Teaching With Love and Logic

Taking Control of the Classroom

Completely Revised 2nd Edition
Teaching With Love and Logic
Taking Control of the Classroom
Completely Revised 2nd Edition

Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.

©2016 by Charles Fay, Ph.D.
All rights reserved. This book is copyrighted and reproduction in any form for any reason is
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other educational use by teachers and other educators. Copyright laws pertain whether materials
are used by for-profit or not-for-profit organizations and whether or not monies are exchanged for
the materials.

United States copyright law will be enforced to its fullest extent against unauthorized copiers of
these materials. Thank you for respecting the copyright laws.

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Love and Logic, Love & Logic, Becoming a Love and Logic Parent, America’s Parenting Experts,
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and Logic, Love and Logic Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!, Early Childhood Parenting
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ISBN# 978-1-942105-23-7

Interior layout & typesetting: Michael C. Snell, Shade of the Cottonwood, L.L.C., Lawrence, KS
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Published and printed in the United States of America

 Foreword
by Jim Fay

“Jim, will you sign my book? I’m sorry it’s so worn out, but I
keep going back to it every time a student throws me something
new. To tell the truth, it has saved my career… and probably the
lives of some of the kids in my classroom.”
Over the years I’ve heard similar statements so many times that
I’ve lost track of the number of times I have joyfully autographed a
Teaching With Love and Logic book.
Often I have been handed a tattered and dog-eared book
with an untold number of tabs sticking out from the pages.
Seeing these treasured books warms my heart beyond belief and
speaks to the love and acceptance this book has earned.
On the other hand, it’s been in circulation for years, causing
Charles and me to consider revising it. Each time we mention this to
teachers, they tell us that the content is still strong and they still love it.
We have, however, begun to realize that our experience and
research on Love and Logic has led us to a far more refined
understanding. This has allowed us to provide far simpler and
more practical strategies: ones that apply to today’s complex and
demanding classrooms.

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As Love and Logic has evolved over the years, we have also
come to realize how helpful stories, examples, and dialogues
are for teachers who are faced with ever-increasing demands
for their time and energy. As a result, we became motivated to
provide a book filled with stories that actually give teachers the
words they can use to both prevent and deal with the nagging
everyday problems in the classroom.
So… we became determined to write the very best book
on managing the evolving demands of classrooms. This book is
dedicated to all of the amazing teachers who skillfully serve youth
arriving in their rooms with untold levels of societal, familial,
emotional, and behavioral baggage. This book is for all of the
wonderful educators who create calm and caring classrooms despite
the overwhelming needs of their students and today’s unrelenting
pressure to guarantee high test scores.
If this book isn’t the most powerful and practical book
you’ve ever read on the subject, I will gladly buy it back… no
questions asked.

Enjoy,

Jim Fay

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 Foreword
by Dr. Charles Fay

I was raised with Love and Logic. That’s right. I often joke,
“That’s why I became a school psychologist… so I could figure
out what happened to me when I was a child.”
A large reason I’m so passionate about this approach is the
impact it had on my relationship with my mother and father,
Shirley and Jim Fay. Instead of endless power struggles, arguing,
and stress, we were blessed to spend most of our time enjoying
each other. Even as an adult, I adore both of them.
As a young man, I became intrigued with the notion that the
grass might be greener on the other side of the fence. I rebelled…
by earning a Ph.D. in behavioral psychology. I wasn’t just trained in
behaviorism, I became a cult member. A strict proponent of operant
conditioning, I came to believe that children have but one basic
need: stickers, tokens, pizza parties, and other tangible rewards.
As an educator, I soon hit a brick wall. Most of the troubled,
streetwise teens I was working with didn’t seem to care much
about the rewards… or even the consequences I could provide.
I was soon humbled enough to ask my father for advice. Like the
father of the prodigal son, he embraced me with loving grace.

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My return to Love and Logic over two decades ago changed

my professional life and my personal one with my three sons.
Occasionally, I fall back on the behavioral principles I learned, as
they are good tools to have available in the toolbox. Nevertheless,
most of the time I find that life can be so much less complicated
and more rewarding when the primary focus is on relationships
and meeting the deeper underlying needs of those around me.
I hope that you, too, find this true.

Teaching can be a joy!

Charles Fay

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Dedication
This book is dedicated to my devoted and always
unconditionally loving mother, Shirley Fay.
You are with the Lord in peace and joy that is beyond
comprehension. Here on earth you are greatly missed.
I love you!

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Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Teaching Can Be a Joy! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Chapter 2: Creating a Love and Logic Classroom . . . . . . . . 19
Chapter 3: Gaining Their Admiration and Respect . . . . . . . 45
Chapter 4: There’s No Love or Logic Without
Sincere Empathy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
Chapter 5: Gaining Control by Sharing It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91
Chapter 6: Responding to Extremely
Disruptive Students . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111
Chapter 7: Managing Your Class… Instead of
It Managing You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
Chapter 8: Guiding Kids to Own and
Solve Their Problems . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157
Chapter 9: Reaching Your Unmotivated Students . . . . . . . 181
Chapter 10: Success With Challenging Parents . . . . . . . . . 205
Appendix: Theoretical Underpinnings and
Evidence Base for Love and Logic . . . . . . . . . . 227

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 CHAPTER ONE

Teaching can be
a Joy!

Nothing’s Working
Debi walked into the teacher workroom and immediately spotted
the younger teacher who’d joined their team in the fall. Lynne
had started the year perkier than a toddler with a new puppy. She
was the staff member… every school has one… who started the
year showing up early for faculty meetings, sharing her dreams
of reaching every student, and staying late each day to revise her
bulletin board. Now she slumped in her chair, depressed, as if her
puppy was lost. Debi inquired, “You look like you’re having a bad
day. What’s up?”
“Nothing’s working,” Lynne lamented. “They don’t respect
me. They don’t seem to care about anything. I don’t know if I
can do this anymore.”
It was clear to Debi that this young teacher was really hurting.
Patting her on the back, she empathized, “That sounds so discouraging.”
“Yeah,” Lynne replied, “I’ve tried everything, but these
kids won’t listen to a thing I say. I can’t get any teaching done
because of their constant interrupting, arguing, complaining,
being out of their seats, and refusing to do their assignments.”

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Perhaps you’ve met a teacher like Lynne. Maybe you are one.
If so, there is hope! Many a career has been saved with simple
Love and Logic strategies.
Lynne continued to vent: “I thought teaching was going to
be fun. I thought I’d be changing lives. I don’t even have time to
teach with all of this craziness. I haven’t had a good day all year…
except when Philip was sick and missed school.”
Have you ever met a child with great leadership skills... like
the kind some folks use to build crime syndicates or terrorist
organizations?
This previously perky young teacher finally admitted, “I just
don’t like him. The others just feed off of his obnoxious behavior.”
The sound of Lynne’s own words terrified her: “I… don’t…
like… him.” Guilt ran through her blood. It was overwhelming.
Debi had experienced disliking students. She’d also learned
that these are the ones we can actually be the most effective
with! She reassured, “Sometimes… some kids are really difficult
to like. It’s natural to feel that way at times. I had a pretty rocky
start myself. I believe in you. Would you like to hear what some
teachers try?”
Lynne still needed to vent. “But I’ve tried everything… like
ignoring... like threatening to send him to the principal. He’s
been to in-school detention more times than I’d like to admit.
Did I tell you that I threatened to call his mom and he just
laughed in my face and told me try it, and that she’d come to
school and kick my &%@#$%!?”
Are there students who really talk like that?
Lynne continued to blurt, “I couldn’t believe he said that…
then I sent him to the principal… that didn’t do any good. He
just thinks it is fun to go see Dr. Salazar. Honestly, I’ve tried to
be positive. When I took my teaching methods class, I learned
about using the colored card system. He got out of his seat,

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ripped his cards off the wall and threw them in the trash. I tried
using rewards… you know those good behavior bucks we give
when we catch ’em being good? He just acts out worse.”
Do you know any students who don’t respond to
traditional behavior management systems?
Do you know kids who aren’t that thrilled by behavior bucks
or pizza parties at the end of the week? Do you ever get tired of
having to act like a vending machine?
Lynne went on, “At the university they said there should
be a consequence for every misbehavior. Honestly I try, but it
just gets insane. When I stop to give a consequence, six other
students start bouncing off the walls. Most of the time I feel like
I’m playing Whack-A-Mole… besides… most don’t even care
about the consequences. They’re not afraid of anything we can
do to them.”
Are you also seeing more students who seem
immune to consequences?
Are some students desensitized by the hard lives they
experience at home? Are others suffering from entitlement, knowing
their parents will always bail them out of the consequences of
their actions?
Lynne finally broke down in tears. “I really do love the kids.
I even love Philip… and I wish I could enjoy them in the classroom.
I don’t love what I’m doing with them and I don’t like the person
I’m becoming. I lose my patience and spend way too much time
yelling and threatening. I wonder if I really have what it takes to
do this job.”
Debi encouraged, “I didn’t realize you were having so much
trouble. Please don’t give up. I can tell you are a hard worker
and that you love the kids. Does it help… at least a little bit…
to know that I struggled, too?”

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With a small glint of hope in her eyes, Lynne replied, “Well…

I guess. What changed? I mean, it seems as if you like teaching…
and the kids behave so well for you. What made the difference?”
“I have a few minutes after school today,” Debi offered. “If
you’re interested, I could share some of the little things that have
turned my toughest classes around. If we put our heads together,
I bet we can make them work for you also.”

There’s Hope!
After school that afternoon, the two teachers met to map out a
plan for turning around Lynne’s unfortunate situation. Close to
tears, she needed help badly.
“I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a hard year,” Debi
empathized, “but I’m sure you can turn this around. I remember
being in the same boat years ago. Fortunately, things started
getting way better the day my principal sent me to a Love and
Logic conference. I sat through that day hearing one simple and
practical technique after another. As the day went on, I realized
these techniques weren’t gimmicks. They were ways that I could
take better care of myself while getting a lot more cooperation
from my students. Now I even use some of the stuff on my husband!”
Lynne laughed.
“Toward the end of the conference,” Debi continued, “I was
ready to use every Love and Logic skill to become a completely
transformed teacher. Fortunately, the presenter cautioned us. I
still remember his words:

‘Be kind to yourself by taking it slow. Experiment with one

technique at a time rather than making wholesale changes
to your approach. And… before implementing each new
experiment, talk with your friends about what might go
wrong. That way you can plug the holes before your students
find them.’

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“I’d never heard anything like it,” Debi relayed. “The other
experts had basically told us to stop doing what we were do-
ing and start doing their program instead. The Love and Logic
presenter encouraged us to keep using the skills we liked and to
gradually integrate these new ones into solving the problems we
were facing.”
“So… it’s like a menu?” Lynne inquired.
“Yeah,” said Debi. “That’s a good way of looking at it. You
pick the ones that seem to fit best. Another idea this presenter
shared was the fact that today’s tough students are not afraid of
adults. We can’t possibly scare them into learning or behaving.
For many, their lives away from school are far scarier than any-
thing we can threaten them with.”
Lynne nodded. “That’s for sure. Many of my kids have no
respect for authority or themselves. And… it’s like they don’t
seem to care what happens to them.”
Debi agreed. “Over the years, our society has taken away most
of the consequences teachers used in the past. However, the Love
and Logic presenter reminded us of something very important:

‘One thing that can never be taken away from great teachers
is their ability to get students to love them so much that they
don’t want to disappoint or hassle them. Relationships form
the foundation of all effective classroom management, disci-
pline, and instruction.’”

Making a Plan
Debi and Lynne spent almost an hour talking about several Love
and Logic techniques. By the end of their conversation, a plan
was emerging for how to handle Philip when he refused to stop
disrupting class. It wasn’t a grand and complicated one designed
to cure all of Lynne’s classroom management woes in a single

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blow. Instead, it was a simple one, targeting her most pressing

need… to show Philip that she could handle his behavior in a
caring, yet powerful way. Things in her classroom would definitely
look brighter if she could achieve this goal!
As the plan was developing, Debi cautioned, “Remember that
plans always fail if our students can find the weaknesses before
we do. If we try something new and it fails, our credibility will
be damaged all the more.”
Lynne agreed. “They will just see us as being weak.”
“That’s right,” Debi nodded. “Before implementing this plan,
let’s share it with a few friends. We’ll see if they can spot any
loopholes the students might use to sabotage it. Then we’ll go
for it only when we’re one hundred percent sure of success.”
Lynne added, “So my students need to see that I can handle
just about anything without breaking a sweat? Then they’ll start
to respect me?”
“You bet!” Debi agreed. “And being calm and empathetic, makes
it tough for them to resist falling in love with you. From Love and
Logic I learned that kids of all ages yearn for role models who are
both strong and caring. When they find them, they subconsciously
identify with them and are more likely to adopt their values.”
“It’s just like…” Lynne paused, thinking deeply, “…it’s just
like how I viewed Grandpa Abe. He was really, really strong and
very loving at the same time. He could handle us without breaking
a sweat, but he was almost always soft-spoken and encouraging.
The older I get, the more I see myself becoming like him.”
•••••
EXPERIMENT ONE :
Build the Relationship
Debi smiled. “You get this! Your Grandpa Abe gave you a wonderful
example of how to connect with students. While we’re solidifying
your plan for handling Philip when he gets out of control, let’s run

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a couple simpler experiments We bring the best

designed to minimize the out of others when we…
likelihood that he will get out • help them feel special.
of control.” • focus mostly on what they do well.
“It would be great if I could • show that we genuinely like and
prevent this,” Lynne agreed. appreciate them.
“That’s right,” continued • have high expectations and hold
Debi. “Love and Logic gives them accountable.
strategies for dealing with • love them for who they are… not
problems when they get big, who we want them to become.
but most of the approach
is about keeping them from growing in the first place. Here’s
something you can do tonight. Consider six things about Philip
that are positive. These six things should be true and have nothing
to do with his school achievement or his behavior.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” answered Lynne. “And I’m
embarrassed to say that I’m not sure I can think of six positive things.”
Debi answered, “I’m talking about his interests and things
he likes to do. For example, what he likes to wear, or a sport
he likes, or hobbies, pets, or friends... things like that. Once
you come up with six, put each in this format: ‘I noticed that
you____________. I noticed that.’ Here are a couple examples:

‘I noticed that you’re interested in football. I noticed that,’ or

‘I noticed that you like to draw. I noticed that.’”

Lynne was a bit confused. “So it’s catching him when he

does something good and praising him?”
“No,” Debi replied. “It’s not about praising him for what you
want him to do. It’s about building a sincere relationship with
him where he sees that you notice what he values. The truth of it
is that all of us feel more connected and willing to please when
we believe others care about what’s in our hearts. We all have a

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big need to be noticed and valued for who we are. That’s why
this can be so powerful.”
Lynne’s eyes lit up. “It’s like kids want relationships way
more than rewards.”
“Yes, yes, yes!” Debi replied. “That’s right. Okay… so after
you’ve created your list of six things you are going to notice,
share them with him privately during a time when he’s not acting
out. Share two ‘I noticed statements’ this week, two the next
week, and two the following week. Whatever you do, don’t end
the statement with ‘that’s great!’ If by chance he wants to talk
with you about what you’ve noticed, listen. If he gets snippy or
sarcastic by saying something like, ‘So… whatever!’ just respond
by saying, ‘Well… I noticed that’ and walk away.”
Students want positive relationships way more
than they want rewards.
“But, Debi,” Lynne began to doubt, “I don’t know what good
this is really going to do. I mean, how can something that simple
actually work with a kid as difficult as Philip?”
Debi smiled. “Well, Lynne, can you spare ten seconds twice a
week to find out? I think before long you’re going to get a big surprise.”
“Is that something I can start tomorrow if I can make that
list tonight?”
Debi nodded. “Sure, Lynne. The sooner you start, the better.
The faster you get Philip on your side, the sooner his followers
will lose their power over you. Didn’t you tell me that the class
runs better on the days when he’s absent?”
The next day, Lynne arrived at school with a tiny bit of hope
and some really large doubts. How could something this simple really
work? Then she thought of her Grandpa Abe... and Mrs. Squire,
her seventh grade science teacher. Both of these people made a
huge impact on her life. Both made a natural habit of helping
others feel special by noticing what they valued in their hearts.

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That day she did some rather strange things that truly confused
her students. She met each at the door with a smile, a handshake,
and a “thanks for coming.” Gone was her stern face, reminders
about their behavior, and comments about their homework. All
was replaced with the hope that maybe… just maybe Debi was
right about that Love and Logic stuff.
As Philip passed by, she whispered, “Hey, Philip.”
“What?” he snarled.
“I’ve been noticing that you like to wear basketball shoes.”
“So? Nothing wrong with that!”
“You’re right, Philip,” she said, while turning away to greet
his classmates, but added, “Well… I just noticed that.”
Philip looked at her as if lobsters were crawling out of her
nostrils. Turning to one of his buddies he quipped, “Teacher’s
gettin’ weird, man!”
•••••
EXPERIMENT TWO :
Set Limits with a Whisper
By the next day, Lynne was ready with another simple Love and Logic
experiment. When Philip started mixing it up with his neighbor, she
saw an opportunity to give it a go. Instead of speaking to him from
across the room, she gradually wandered his way, teaching along the
way. After passing him by, she pulled a surprise U-turn. Coming up
from behind, she bent and whispered in his ear, “Philip, could you
save that for Mr. Harrison’s class?” Without waiting for a reply, she
moved away and immediately resumed the lesson.
She wanted to see what he’d do, but she also remembered
Debi’s caution:

“The longer you stand next to a defiant kid after setting a

limit or asking them to do something for you, the less likely
they will comply.”

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love and logic experiment: Resisting the urge to look

Refusing to Work back or demand compliance
from Philip, she kept on
student: “I’m not doing this assignment,
truckin’. She did, nevertheless,
and you can’t make me.”
overhear him grumble his sig-
teacher (whispering in the student’s ear): nature line, “Teacher’s gettin’
“Would you try it just for me? Thank weird, man.”
you.” (Walk away before the student While he still wasn’t doing
can answer.) his math assignment, he wasn’t
challenging her… or throwing
a fit that made it impossible to
teach… or getting his buddies to gang up on her.
Maybe, she wondered, it’s okay… at least for now… if he just
sits there and draws pictures. It’s a better result than what I’ve been
getting by trying to threaten him into learning. Besides, he might grow
more willing to do his work once we develop a better relationship.
She experienced another revelation… that correcting kids where
others could overhear might be causing some of her problems. A
thought ran through her head: I guess I can relate. I don’t think I’d
behave very well if my husband corrected me in front of my friends.

Handling ’em Without Breaking a Sweat

As you might remember, Debi encouraged Lynne to experiment
with some simple, preventative strategies before implementing
her plan for handling Philip’s major disruptions. This bought
her time to present her plan to three other teachers and to have
them predict what might go wrong with it. By the end of the
week, she’d plugged the potential holes and was ready to meet
with her principal, Dr. Salazar, on Monday morning.
“Dr. Salazar,” Lynne began, “I hope to handle discipline in
my classroom without creating more work for you. I have a plan
and I’m hoping you might have a place where I can send a student
for a little cool-down time. I don’t want you to feel responsible for

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dealing with him. I don’t want him to be a burden for the secretary
by having him in the office, but if there was a place where he could
just get himself settled down, that would be a big help. Once he’s
calmer, he can return to class and I’ll deal with him later.”
With obvious reluctance, Dr. Salazar replied, “I might
support that if I know that you are always doing your best to
help students be successful in your room. I don’t feel good about
allowing teachers to send kids out of the room as a first line of
response to any sort of problem.”
Lynne’s friends had helped her anticipate his concern. “I
agree. That’s why I’m working hard on some Love and Logic
techniques designed to prevent problems. Some of these involve
relationship-building strategies and ways of setting limits with
students so they are more likely to be cooperative.”
Dr. Salazar seemed interested. “Tell me more.”
Lynne continued, “I’ve realized that sending students down
to you for discipline has led them to believe I can’t handle them.
Now I see I need to be the one who works with my students. It’s
like a family. They need to see I’m a caring and powerful enough
‘parent’ to keeps things safe and orderly. Besides, I’m sure you
have more important things to do than being responsible for my
classroom management.”
Dr. Salazar was pleasantly surprised… and a bit stunned.
“Well, it sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ll
support that. In fact, if you have any trouble getting Philip… or
any other student… to the office for some cool-down time, let
the office know. We’ll send someone to assist.”
Students need to see that we are caring and powerful enough
to establish a safe and orderly classroom.
“There is one more thing,” Lynne said. “If I need some additional
ideas for what to do with Philip or the other students, would you
be willing to give me your thoughts?”

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“That would be fun!” Dr. Salazar smiled. “I’ll be happy to

give my two cents’ worth.”

Ready for Action

Just like the day before, Lynne greeted her students at the door.
Everything was the same… except Philip. He wasn’t wearing his
usual frown. As he passed, she whispered, “I noticed that you
like to draw.”
He grunted predictably, “So… teach is gettin’ weird, man.”
In the past, she’d taken this personally. Now she was beginning
to wonder if it had little to do with her and much more to do
with his need to feel strong and impress his friends. Or… perhaps
it had to do with hurts he was having at home. She realized
something else: Love and Logic was starting to change the way
she thought about students and the challenges they carried
into her classroom. While still troubling, Philip’s attitude didn’t
weigh so heavily upon her shoulders.
Lynne began teaching. This was Philip’s cue to initiate a rather
loud discussion with his four buddies about various topics such
as how boring the class was, whose mother was doing what with
whom, and how he was more than capable of kicking so-and-so’s
posterior with his hands and feet tied behind his back.
Lynne continued to teach, but she began to wander toward the
chatty quartet. Pulling a U-turn behind Anthony, she whispered in
his ear, “Mr. St. John, in room 102, has an extra chair just inside
the door to his room. It’s for you. He’s expecting you. Please come
back just as soon as you get yourself back together. Thank you.”
Leaning over to Donovan, she whispered, “And you’ll be going
to room 108. Mrs. Hightower is expecting you. I want you back
soon… just as soon as you can get yourself back together.”
Part of her Love and Logic plan involved implementing the
art and science of divide and conquer. The “art” of working with
a group of students feeding off each other involves asking the

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most compliant members of this group to leave first. Why? Simply

because they are more likely to go! The “science” involves the
fact that the most challenging students lose much of their power
when they no longer have their minions.
Anthony and Donovan, probably surprised, got up and
started for the door. This gave her a chance to lean over and
whisper to Travis, “And do you need to go, too, or can you get
it together here?”
“What I do?” yelled Travis. “I didn’t do nothin’. You’re always
on my case!”
Still whispering, Lynne asked, “Travis, did I ask in a nice way?”
“So?”
“So either you go,” Lynne replied softly, “or we go.”
Travis was clear about his intentions, “Not doing nothin’ and
not goin’ nowhere. You can’t make me!”
Without breaking a sweat, Lynne ripped herself from Travis’s
glare and announced to the entire class, “Class, line up, please.”
Turning to Jayla, she asked, “Would you please slowly lead the
class to the cafeteria?”
Is a tough student more likely to leave when he or she has an
audience… or none? While developing her plan, Lynne quickly
realized it was definitely incomplete if she wasn’t prepared for
“I’m not going! You can’t make me!”
Travis wanted to watch his teacher go down in a ball of flames
in front of the class. Lynne was ready for this. As she dismissed
the class, she calmly turned to him and said, “And you’re staying
here, right? Thank you.”
Quickly turning to Mike, she asked, “Will you go across the hall
and ask Ms. Williams if she could come into the hall where she can
keep an eye on her room and this room at the same time? Thank you.”
Travis was outraged. He was losing control of the situation.
Bursting from his chair, he proclaimed, “You can’t make me stay!
I’m goin’, too!”

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Lynne turned to Jayla and said, “Change of plans. Let’s lead

the class down to the main office.”
When a defiant student decides to join along, a Love and Logic
teacher is more than willing to allow them… and to deliver them
to the office.

The Myth of Immediate Consequences

Lynne had always heard that a consequence must be delivered
immediately after any sort of rule infraction or defiance. As a
result, she once lived in constant fear that a student, like Travis,
would do something outrageous… and she’d be left completely
lost for a logical and timely consequence.
Immediate consequences are essential when training mice,
rats, pigeons, and monkeys. Fortunately, the children in our
classrooms have a much greater capacity for abstract thought
and long-term memory! Far more important than the amount
of time between the infraction and the consequence is ensuring
that when students do create problems we always… always…
do something. As you’ll learn in the following chapter, Love and
Logic teachers are reluctant to describe the exact consequence in
advance. Instead, they simply inform the student:
“Oh… that was a bad decision… I’m going to have to
do something about that.”
Or…
“This is so sad. I’m busy right now… but I will have to
do something about this.”
Sometimes, Love and Logic teachers even keep quiet, allowing
a student to believe they have gotten away with something in the
short term. Then they do something.
I (Charles) vividly remember the seventh grader who
demonstrated the power of “something.” Quite irritated and

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unprepared to implement anything other than highly punitive

and ineffective measures, I turned to the student and said, “I’m
going to have to do something about that. We’ll visit later.”
Much to my surprise, his eyes widened and a look of sincere
trepidation washed over his face. Then he replied, “No… don’t
do something.”
Threats of specific consequences never impacted this kid
whatsoever. A vague promise of doing “something” really got
him concerned. Since that event over twenty years ago, we’ve
seen time and time again that “something” seems to be the most
dreaded consequence known to child-kind.
An even greater benefit is that saying “something” leaves our
options wide open.
From her good friend Debi, Lynne learned she no longer had to
live in a constant state of anxiety. She learned she didn’t always
have to know exactly what to do in each and every situation.
She realized that she no longer would feel forced into threatening
consequences that she wasn’t truly sure she could deliver. She
discovered the following:
When you don’t know what to do…
or you are too angry to think straight…
delay the consequence.
With this gift, Lynne felt a renewed sense of confidence and
calm as she thought about how she might follow up with Travis
regarding his outburst. Now, she thought, I can do this on my
terms… when I’m ready… after I’ve had a chance to talk to some of
the other staff and come up with a good plan!

Philip: Her New Buddy

Dr. Salazar was aware that someone might end up in his office
that day for some cool-down time. He expected it to be Philip.
Much to his surprise, it was Travis.

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Problems with immediate consequences

If you don’t provide an immediate consequence, the child won’t learn.
This myth has led many parents and educators to…
• feel like they are incompetent because they can’t think of consequences
while in the “heat of battle.”
• react before taking time to anticipate potential problems with the
consequences they are providing.
• react before getting essential support from other adults.
• discipline when they are too angry to think.
• work with kids when the kids are too angry to think.
• lose control and do things they wished they hadn’t.
The next time a kid does something inappropriate, experiment with saying:
“Oh, no. This is sad. I’m going to have to do something about this. We’ll talk later.”

As Dr. Salazar encouraged Travis into the office, Travis had

some choice words for his teacher. To everyone’s surprise, Philip
came to her defense: “Trav... man... don’t be talkin’ ‘bout Teach.
She weird but not that bad.”
As the school day ended, Lynne felt as if she’d just won the Super
Bowl. Rushing into Debi’s room she announced, “You were right.”
Debi was confused. “Right about what?”
“About that ‘I noticed’ thing for building relationships,”
Lynne answered.
“Oh,” Debi replied, “the Love and Logic guys call that the
one-sentence intervention… I suppose because it only takes one
sentence twice a week.”
Lynne smiled. “I only used it for one week with Philip, and
now he’s standing up for me! I can’t believe it. Now he doesn’t
think I’m that bad.”
“I’m so happy for you,” Debi replied. “I’ve been surprised many
times by how something so simple can make such a big difference.”
“I think it’s working on me, too. I find myself being a lot less
bothered by Philip… even when he’s calling me weird. Maybe

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this technique isn’t just about getting kids to fall in love with
us… but about helping us see the positive in them.”
“Could be,” Debi agreed.
“And the plan you helped me with worked great. After I took
the class back to the room, they all seemed a lot calmer. It was
like this one event helped them see that I could handle anything
they threw my way.”
“I bet they feel safer, too,” added Debi. “There are few things
more calming to a class than knowing their teacher can maintain
caring control of the classroom.”
Lynne agreed, “Yeah, I never thought about that. I guess I’ve
learned a lot of things I didn’t realize I needed to learn.”
“Oh?” asked Debi. “What are you talking about?”
“For one thing, I’m embarrassed to say that my yelling and
correcting students from across the room was causing more
problems than I could have imagined. I hadn’t realized doing so
was forcing students into a corner. All they could do to save face
was to argue, get defiant, or constantly interrupt my teaching.
Now I’ve discovered that I can prevent most problems without
having to stop teaching. There’s something else. Now I have
some energy left over at the end of the day for myself.”
“That’s the best part,” agreed Debi.
Lynne continued, “I do have another question. Is it okay to
use the one-sentence intervention with all of your students?”
“Only if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t mind fewer
battles with students.”
Lynne nodded. “I’m that kind of person!”

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 CHAPTER TWO

Creating a
Love and Logic
Classroom

Aiden Meets Mr. Harrison

It was not a dark and stormy night, as some chapters start out. It was
a bright and brand new school year, and Aiden had managed to reach
the eighth grade. He was a big kid with a big attitude who had
never felt very capable at school. To make matters more challenging,
his brain was swimming in a soup of new and exciting hormones.
Aiden was jazzed about his first hour class: English. Not really.
Pulling his pants up to his knees, he hoped to sneak his way in
without being noticed. Oh, the horror! There was the teacher,
greeting everyone at the door with smiles, handshakes, and high-
fives, and saying, “Welcome, guys, thanks for coming.”
Aw, man, thought Aiden, this guy is like all annoying. “Thanks
for coming?” What? We gotta be here. What’s he so happy about?
Probably just like Old Mason from last year… lots of stupid rules
and “Sit down, shup up, or go to the office.”
Yanking his hoodie over his head, he made a quick dash for the
rear of the room. “Success!” he muttered as he slumped in a desk.
“Made it past the creep.” Down deep, all he hoped to achieve was to
avoid feeling as bad as he’d felt during the past seven years of school.

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love and logic experiment:

Having a Rough Morning
student: (Enters class with a negative look on his face, throws himself down
into his chair, and rolls his eyes toward the ceiling.)

teacher (whispering with empathy): “Looks like a rough morning. Anyway I can
help? Do you need a little time before you start to work?”

How I Run My Love and Logic Classroom

• I will treat you with respect so you will know how to treat me.
• Feel free to do anything that doesn’t cause a problem for anyone else.
• If you cause a problem, I will ask you to solve it.
• If you can’t solve the problem, or choose not to, I will do something.
• What I do will depend on the special person and the special situation.
• If you feel something is unfair, whisper to me, “I’m not sure that’s fair,”
and we will talk.

Awakened from his protective daydream, he suddenly heard,

“Good morning. My name is Mr. Harrison. I hope you enjoy your
year with me. We probably need to go over how I run my classroom.”
“Yeah… here it comes,” Aiden mused sarcastically. “Probably
another deal like last year. Lots of stupid rules. Then you get it for
makin’ what teachers call ‘poor choices.’ Pathetic. I don’t even need
to look at the board. Just gonna be a long list of rules. Then a bigger
list of consequences so he can threaten us with what’s going to
happen the first time, second time, and… on… and… on… until
we get booted out. Not even listenin’... same old stuff.”
Love and Logic isn’t the “same old stuff.”

I Will Treat You With Respect

Mr. Harrison pointed at a poster titled, “How I Run My Love
and Logic Classroom.” At the very top it read, “I will treat you
with respect so that you will know how to treat me.”

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A Love and Logic classroom is built on mutual respect and

dignity. Since great educators know that students must see…
and experience… this, they provide the model. What will have
the greatest impact on our youth? Is it what we preach? Or is it
what we practice?
The word “mutual” means that great respect and dignity are
afforded to students and their teachers. In other words, teachers
treat students well and set healthy limits over how they, them-
selves, are treated. Like all effective limits, these involve only
what falls completely within the control of the adult. Since we
cannot control the behavior of others, we set limits by describing
what we’re committed to do or allow… our rules for ourselves.
While each Love and Logic teacher will provide slightly different
limits, these limits are always designed to maintain the dignity
of everyone involved.
Mr. Harrison continued, “I find that I do a lot better job
of treating students the way they like to be treated when I have
some rules for myself. Aiden’s eyes involuntarily flitted to the
front of the room where he saw a small chart with the heading,
“Mr. Harrison’s Rules for Himself ”:

• I listen to one person at a time.

• I listen to students who raise their hands and wait
to be called on.
• I argue at 5 p.m. daily and on weekends.
• I provide full credit to papers handed in on time.
• I grade papers that I can read.
• I will always do my best to help you. I will never try
to make you.
• I will spend most of my time helping you see what
you do well… not what you do poorly.

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Students who believe their rights are being violated,

do not respond positively to teachers’ requests.

Aiden was confused. He’s talkin’ rules for himself?

Seeming to read his mind, Mr. Harrison continued, “Yes. These
are the rules I try to live by. I’m not perfect. If I violate any of them,
I’d appreciate it if you would politely point to my list and remind me
in the nicest way you know how.”
love and logic experiment: Noah blurted, “Yeah, but
Gum how are we supposed to argue
student: “We get to chew gum in the with you after school or on the
other classes.” weekend?”
teacher (smiling): “Thanks for letting
Mr. Harrison smiled, and
me know… and what’s the rule in said, “And who do I listen to?”
this room?” Noah’s hand shot up.
“Noah,” Mr. Harrison
asked whimsically, “do you have a question for me?”
“Yeah, but,” he proclaimed, “we can’t come at five or on
the weekends.”
With a warm smile, the wise teacher replied, “I know.”

Do Anything that Doesn’t Cause a Problem

Again, Mr. Harrison pointed to his poster. “In my classroom feel
free to do anything you want as long as it doesn’t cause a problem
for anyone else.”
From years of hard knocks of teaching experience, Mr. Harrison
learned that he needed to be the judge of whether something
caused a problem, rather than relying on a long list of do’s and
do-not’s posted on the wall. Besides, he’d also discovered that
many students can’t resist the challenge of finding creative ways
to break the rules… so that our consequences no longer fit.
Then we find ourselves pulled into endless battles. The more
rules we provide, the more power struggles we experience.

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How to Treat Students

Give messages of unconditional respect by interacting with kids as we would

with well-respected adults. Students should be afforded dignity even in situations
of misbehavior.

Be mindful of the role of nonverbal language. Nonverbal aspects of language

carry the most meaning. An impatient facial expression is often remembered
for a lifetime.

Concentrate on the development of trust. Components of trust when dealing with

kids include having no ulterior motives, being consistent, and acknowledging
mutual experiences — the same thing that applies to our relationships
with adults.

Place emphasis on individual uniqueness rather than on some hierarchy

within the class. Most people respond positively to those who treat them as
respected individuals.

Give credibility to kids’ feelings. Don’t discount their emotions by such phrases
as “You don’t really feel that way, do you?” Of course they do! This is not to say
that we must condone all feelings, but to discount them as invalid is to attack
the kid’s very inner being.

Remember that misbehavior is a mask for pain or insecurity. Most kids misbehave
to hurt back or hide weakness. If we can address these issues rather than only
the overt behavior, we are further ahead in the long run.

Attempt to understand a student’s mind-set and worldview. Be cautious about

seeing kids’ behavior through only your lens. The key to relationship building
is to understand another’s point of view.

Make kids’ learning tasks manageable and put components of success

within their grasp. This may be because of the students’ ability or effort, but,
nevertheless, make success available to them, regardless of the abilities or
efforts of others in the classroom.

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Love and Logic classrooms are also devoted to thinking. Who

should do the lion’s share? Should it be the teachers or the students?
If we spend most of our time trying to micromanage them into
behaving, will they have the thinking and problem-solving skills
to thrive in a complex, often ambiguous world?
Once again, Noah reached for the sky.
“Yes, Noah,” Mr. Harrison said, “go ahead with your question.”
“Yeah… like we can do anything?”
Mr. Harrison nodded, “Sure… as long as I don’t believe it
causes a problem for anyone else.”
“Yeah… but what if it is a problem?” Noah inquired.
“What’ll happen?”

If You Cause a Problem, I’ll Ask You to Solve It

Mr. Harrison replied as he once again pointed to his poster, “As
you can see, class, if you cause a problem I will ask you to solve
it. I’m here to help, so I may be able to give you some ideas for
solving the problem… that is… if you want them.”
When our focus is always on creating consequences for students,
who is doing most of the thinking and most of the work? We are.
There exists a basic rule:
The person who does the most thinking about a problem
will learn the most from the problem.
Love and Logic educators are not opposed to providing
consequences when necessary, but they tend to err on the side of
expecting kids to simply solve the problems they create.

If You Can’t Solve the Problem…

or Choose Not To… I Will Do Something
For the first time in his school career, Aiden was actually reading
ahead. The next point on Mr. Harrison’s poster caught his eye:
“If you can’t solve a problem, or choose not to, I will do something.”

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To his own amazement, he raised his hand. “Yes?” Mr. Harrison

smiled. “I’m sorry I missed you coming in. What’s your name?”
“Bob,” Aiden answered. “You say you’re gonna do something.
So what’s that?”
“It depends,” Mr. Harrison answered. Gesturing toward his
poster, he read, “What I do will depend on the special person
and the special situation.”
Aiden wasn’t taking this lying down. “But you have to tell
us what you’re going to do. Saying you’re gonna do something
doesn’t mean nothing.”

What I Do Will Depend on the Special Person

and the Special Situation
“I know it probably seems strange. I’m just a different kind of
teacher,” answered Mr. Harrison. “It means that I will try to
find the best solution or best consequence based on what I know
about the situation and the problem. This is going to be different
in all cases because everyone is different and every situation is
different. All people are unique and all problems are unique, so
I won’t be telling anyone in advance what’s going to happen if
they can’t or won’t solve a problem they create. You just need to
know that I’m going to do something.”
I can treat everyone with
dignity and respect while not enslaving myself
to treating everyone the same.
Some consequences must be set in stone and made aware to
all students. These district and schoolwide policies involve drugs,
alcohol, weapons, gang-related attire, and other legal/safety
issues. Other issues related to day-to-day life with students are
more effectively handled when teachers have the freedom to
decide which course of action will most effectively meet the
unique needs of the student(s) involved.

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A teacher from the great State of Texas shared the

following excerpt:

“I’d been working extremely hard with a troubled student.

His home life was a shambles, he suffered from neurological
problems due to fetal alcohol effect, and he was severely
depressed. One day he lost it and told me to do something
with myself that typically requires more than one person.
With a traditional approach, I probably would have been
tied to sending the kid to the principal and seeing him get
suspended for three days.
“With Love and Logic, I was able to experiment with
what I believed would help him more. That was for me to
tell him that I still cared for him and to have him spend a
week of his free time helping me with some things around
the classroom. By the time he was done dusting bookshelves,
filing papers, throwing away the dead pens from my desk,
and other silly stuff, we had bonded. He and I were the
greatest of buddies. What this unique kid needed was to do
something positive and to connect with someone.”

One of the most powerful aspects of this approach is that it

encourages educators to address the problems caused by students,
rather than relying on a system… or our administration… to
solve these problems. Students develop respect for teachers who
care enough about them to deal with the problem directly.
Students lack respect for teachers who rely on impersonal systems…
or “a trip to the principal” each time a challenge arises. I (Charles)
overheard a wonderfully effective teacher addressing a student
who’d purposefully damaged her bulletin board:

The student yelled, “Go ahead! Send me to the principal!

I don’t care.”

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With warm assertion, her teacher replied, “Oh. You are

welcome to spend some time down there to calm down.
Then you and I will talk. This is between you and me…
not between you and the principal.”

This same teacher often joked with her students:

“Kids are always begging to be sent to the principal for a

talking to. I don’t do that. I’m not that nice. We’re a family,
and we solve our own problems.”

By the way, she worked with very difficult students… and

they adored her!

If You Feel Something is Unfair, Whisper to Me

Mr. Harrison continued, “There may be times when you feel
something I’ve done is not fair. As it says on this poster, I want
you to let me know. There are several ways students try to do
that. Some yell and say, ‘That’s not fair!’ Some come to me and
whisper, ‘I’m not sure that’s fair.’ Which style do you think I
prefer to listen to?”
Rudy interrupted with a dose of his typical sarcasm, “So I
suppose you’re going to change what you do if we say that? Are
you serious?”
Mr. Harrison acted as if he didn’t hear.
“Why aren’t you answering my question?” Rudy demanded.
A rather tense silence ensued.
“Because, Rudeeeeeee, he listens when you raise your hand
and wait to get called on!” Kendra lectured, kicking the back of
Rudy’s seat.
Rudy raised his hand.
“Yes, Rudy, what’s on your mind?” Mr. Harrison inquired.
“Are you for real?” Rudy questioned.

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“You bet!” Mr. Harrison laughed. “If you don’t think I’m
being fair, you can come to me and let me know by whispering.
I’ll listen to your opinion at a time when it’s convenient for me.
If you can present a good case, I may be willing to change my
mind about what needs to happen. To be clear, I won’t always
change my mind. It will all depend on the unique situation and
how respectfully you present it. This is my guarantee to you. The
legal system often calls this ‘due process,’ meaning that the accused
should always get a chance to tell his or her side of the story.”
He then went to his consequence poster and wrote the
guarantee in his own handwriting. He signed and dated his
statement.
Deal with discipline problems or student complaints
on your own terms, so they don’t control you.
Hey, thought Aiden, he might be serious. Maybe this class won’t be
as bad as I thought. Might be… might not be. Talk’s cheap. We’ll see.

Aiden’s Problem
It wasn’t long before Aiden found himself with a problem. The
problem was named Gabriel… or “G” as most folks called him.
“G” had been talking trash and disrespecting Aiden since he
moved into the neighborhood a year ago. It came to a head in
Mr. Harrison’s class as “G” stepped over the line by glaring Aiden’s
way and flashing him some sign language.” Jumping out of his
chair, Aiden yelled, “You just wrote a check your &$$ can’t
cover!” To be clear, he wasn’t talking about a fraudulent financial
transaction. He was indicating, “You just picked a fight that you
ain’t man enough to win!”
“G” countered by suggesting that Aiden lacked the anatomical
features require to make good on his promise.
Fortunately for everyone, this wasn’t Mr. Harrison’s first rodeo.
Quickly moving their way, he calmly replied, “Gabriel, Mrs.

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Three Styles of Teaching

Helicopters…
• rescue and rotate their lives around their students.
• think and problem solve for their students.
• feel exhausted and often resentful.
• say, “I’ll think through that problem for you.”
• send the unstated message: “You are incapable of thinking for yourself
and being responsible.”
Drill Sergeants…
• bark out orders and tell their students what to choose.
• turn up the volume and threaten.
• feel stressed and frustrated.
• send the unstated message: “You can’t think, so I’ll do it for you.”
Consultants…
• set limits describing what they are going to do or allow.
• enforce these limits with sincere empathy.
• guide students toward making choices and solving problems.
• send the unstated message: “The quality of your life will depend on the
quality of your choices. I believe in you.”

Wilcox has a seat next-door for you. Come back as soon as you
can be here without causing a problem. Aiden, Mr. Ramirez has
a place where you can calm down. Come back as soon as you
are calm.”
Like Vesuvius, Aiden erupted, “You can’t tell me what to do!”
and stomped out of the building.
Mr. Harrison called Aiden’s mother and informed her about
the decision he and the principal had agreed to: Aiden was
welcome back as soon as one of his parents could bring him
to school and attend a meeting. “I want to visit with you and
Aiden before he comes back to class,” Mr. Harrison said. “He
doesn’t have to stay out of school any time at all if you can meet
with me at seven-thirty tomorrow morning,” he added. “And I

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love and logic experiment:

Delaying the Consequence
teacher: “Will you talk quietly as we walk in the hall? Will you do that just for
me? Thanks.”

student (with a very snotty tone): “Thanks is something you say after some-
body does what you ask. I just laugh at people who say that first. You can’t
tell me how to talk.”

teacher (as calmly as possibly under the circumstances): “Oh… no problem…

I’m going to have to do something about this. We’ll talk later.”

student (defiantly): “So.”

teacher (walks away reminding himself ): This is not the time to deal with this.
It’s okay if she thinks she’s gotten away with this in the short term.

don’t want to make this a bigger problem for you than it already
is. We’re hoping we can simply handle this with Aiden at school.”
What will establish the greatest ongoing level of respect between
Aiden and Mr. Harrison? Will it be to expect his mother to solve
this problem? Or will it involve Mr. Harrison showing that he is
willing and able to work this out directly with Aiden? We see a
theme here:
Healthy Human Dynamics 101:
When Person A has a problem with Person B,
they must work it out directly with Person B.
Person C can provide ideas and mediation,
but they must remain out of the middle.

Mom and Aiden were there promptly at 7:30 a.m. Obviously,

Mom was upset. “I suppose he’ll have in-school suspension now.
That’s what all of his other teachers do! Last year he was there
almost every day.”

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After a great deal of listening and showing that he cared, Mr.

Harrison asked, “Would you like to hear how I handle things a
bit differently in my classroom?”
Mom nodded, “Okay. How are you different?”
Mr. Harrison described his approach: “I try to treat each student
as a unique person, and each situation as a unique situation. I
encourage each individual student to solve their problems in
ways that don’t create problems for anyone else. Maybe you’d
like to look at my rules and my guarantee to the kids. I told
them that I treat each situation on a case-by-case basis. I also
took time to teach them how to have an informal due process
meeting. In other words, they get to share their side of the story.
Right here is my written guarantee. If they present a good case I
may be willing to change what I do.”
“So why did you make him leave school yesterday?” Mom asked.
“Is that what he told you?” Mr. Harrison asked with surprise.
Mom nodded, “Yeah, he said he got kicked out of school
because Gabriel was talking trash.”
“Aiden?” Mr. Harrison grinned, turning to the teen. “This
is confusing. Why do you think, even though I’ve given you a
written guarantee to listen to your side of a story, you still chose
to leave school?”
Aiden slid a bit farther into his chair. “I don’t know… ’cuz
teachers never listen.”
Continuing to smile, Mr. Harrison replied, “Well, I’m just
a different kind of teacher. I’m willing to listen as long as I see
that you are working hard to solve this problem in a way that
doesn’t make a problem for anyone else.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” Aiden asked.
“I’m not sure,” Mr. Harrison admitted, “but I think we ought
to help you stay out of hassles with ‘G’ by having you spend the
day in the office. That will give you some time to think about
how to solve the problem.”

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“Is that in-school suspension?” Aiden’s mother asked.

Mr. Harrison answered, “No. It’s just a quiet place for Aiden
to make a plan for staying out of hassles with Gabriel. My goal
is always to help students stay out of trouble… rather than
punishing them.”
Aiden’s mother paused. Then she turned to her son. “Well,
he’s had problems with that kid before, but I don’t know if he
wants to talk about it or not… But, I know one thing for sure…
Aiden… you look at me when I’m talking to you! I think you
need to start listening to this man!” With that, she grabbed her
purse and headed for the door.

Traditional Systems Appear to Work…

for the Students Who Don’t Need Them
During the first few years of his teaching career, Mr. Harrison
and his colleagues relied on the traditional approach to classroom
and school discipline. This involved lots of meetings with other
staff members where they diligently worked toward some key goals:
• Identify a list of typical misbehaviors performed by students
(a.k.a. “infractions”).
• Make clear rules against doing such things.
• Craft consequences for each and every infraction.
• Develop successively more severe consequences for students
who break the same rule more than once.
• Write all of this down and put it in a handbook.
• Laminate copies of the rules and consequences, and then
post them for the world to see.
Mr. Harrison and the other teachers at his school believed that
this approach would ensure consistency. Each staff member would
handle all of the rules and all of the consequences according to
the book… in exactly the same way. Defending their actions to
parents would be easier. Students would be aware of the danger of

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violating rules, know what to expect if they did, and therefore, be

much better behaved.
It was a wonderful dream… while it lasted.
Their system was working really well. That is with compliant
students who didn’t need a behavior management system.
The problem was that the more challenging kids were not
playing along. They were breaking rules anyway and even doing
so incorrectly. That’s right! They seemed to delight in breaking
the rules just off center… in new and creative ways… so the
prescribed consequences no longer seemed to fit. Then they’d act
like lawyers, arguing, “Well, I didn’t do that.”
Even more shocking was that many brought their parents along
as co-council! Mr. Harrison and his peers were also hearing from
them: “Well… he/she didn’t do that!” Their new and wonderful
discipline system seemed to awaken a once silent battalion of
hostile helicopter parents.
Bad ideas die hard. Just because these systems have been proven
ineffective with difficult students… time and time again… it doesn’t
mean we abandon them. It simply means we have more staff
meetings designed to rectify the “slight flaws” in our system.
Mr. Harrison and the team identified more rules and more
severe consequences. They added these to the list, printed a new
workbook, and laminated some new posters. All of this was
based on two faulty assumptions:
1. If students know exactly what kind of consequences they
will face when rules are broken, they won’t break the rules.
2. If students continue to act out, it’s due to one or more of
the following:
a. We don’t have enough rules.
b. Our consequences aren’t severe enough.
c. Administrators or other teachers aren’t enforcing the
consequences consistently.

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d. A
 dministrators are letting parents rescue their kids
from the consequences.

The Truth: More Rules Will Never Solve the Problem

There’s a classic example in one of our books about Brad, a creative
student who brought a dead fish to school and rubbed it in a
girl’s hair. When told that it was against the rules, he argued,
“My dad and I read all the rules in the discipline policy and not
one of them says anything about a dead fish.”
Believe it or not, the school made a new rule to cover that
eventuality. It had to do with fish, but before long he did it
again, this time with a dead salamander. I’m sure you know
what his argument was this time: “A salamander is not a fish,
and the rule says fish.”
Had this school adopted the Love and Logic approach, the
rules would have been limited, but inclusive:
Feel free to do whatever you would like
as long as it doesn’t cause a problem.
Obviously Brad’s action created a problem for the girl. In
a Love and Logic school, Brad would have heard, “Around
here, people who create problems are expected to solve those
problems without making a problem for anyone else, including
their own parents. How do you plan on doing that? I have a
nice quiet place for you to work on a solution, and as soon as
you have an acceptable one, I will consider letting you return
to your classwork.”
There would be no need for another staff meeting spent
attempting to develop new and better rules. The adults in the
school would be doing very little thinking about the problem.
Brad would be doing a lot.
If the principal felt a bit devilish, he might even say some-
thing akin to: “Now, Brad, there’s no need to hurry. We offer

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your grade every year at this school, so it’s not like you’ll miss
out on anything.”

Why Traditional Systems Fail:

How Our Most Challenging Students Think
Mr. Harrison and his more astute colleagues gradually began to
grieve the loss of their beloved golden calf. This came as their
eyes opened to the massive mismatch between their traditional
system and the psychological and social realities of the challenging
students it was intended to help. Clearer and clearer became
the tragic ineffectiveness of trying to manage these students in
traditional ways.

Win-Lose Orientation
Effective educators, and other helping professionals, tend to view
the world as a win-win place. As such, they do not view their list
of consequences as threats. They view it as a nice way of helping
students stay out of trouble.
Our most challenging students see it quite differently. Why?
Some were born that way. Because of normal genetic variation,
they left the womb smoking cigars and wearing little red boxing
gloves. Their basic orientation has been to question authority
and to fight anything that might leave them feeling a lesser sense
of control. When they sense threat, they react with, “You want a
piece of me? Let’s see if you can really make that happen!”

Negative Interpretive Bias and

High Baseline Levels of Arousal
Others act this way because they’ve learned that the only way
to survive is to fight tooth and nail for what they want. Many
have survived emotionally… and often physically… by seeing
everything as threatening and by reacting quickly. Because of
this, their brains are constantly flooded with adrenaline and

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cortisol. This neurochemical soup makes it even more likely that

our efforts to help by listing consequences, will result in battles
rather than the calm classrooms we desire.

Consequences as a Badge of Honor

If these students know exactly what consequence will happen
when they break specific rules, they often do an informal, sub-
conscious cost-benefit analysis. They compare the potential
discomfort associated with the consequence with the badge of
honor they will receive from failing to be intimidated by threats
provided by adults. Unfortunately, they often conclude that testing
the threat and experiencing the consequence is worth it.
Similarly, many schools place these students in a bind by
implementing rigid reward systems where the goal is to catch
students being good so that praise and rewards can be provided.
While these systems look great at first glance, there are some
similar side effects when it comes to troubled students. Public
rewards and praise often leave these students no choice: Once
they receive them, they are forced to act out in order to prove
they are not the “teachers’ pets.”
For decades, educators have confirmed these concerns by
providing example after example of tough students self-destructing
after being praised or receiving a reward. A far more powerful
strategy involves building sincere relationships with these students,
where we carefully avoid embarrassing them while noticing what
is unique and positive about them apart from the school behavior
or academic performance. (See the one-sentence intervention in
chapter 3)

Entitlement Mentality
“You owe me!”
Entitlement is a strange beast, largely because it’s born from
two possible origins. The first source is the one most of us typically

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imagine when we consider the term “entitled child.” We imagine a

student who suffers from “under-expectation and over-indulgence
syndrome.” The child runs the home, is rescued from each poor
decision, and is given all the perks of success without having to
exert a single drop of perspiration. There are plenty of these students...
from all socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds.
The second source looks completely different. Here we have
a student who’s experienced chronic mistreatment in the form
of neglect, abuse, or both. Because of the great hurt they’ve
experienced, they believe that it is now their turn: “The world
owes me because of all that I’ve been through.” For different
reasons, some of these students also exhibit the key hallmarks of
entitlement. The most relevant to our current discussion include:

• Unwilling to take responsibility for their actions.

• Constantly manipulates by lying, deceiving,
or pushing buttons.
• Pits others against each other to gain control of
the environment.

There are few things that give entitled students more unhealthy
power over adults than lists of consequences. They break
the rules in unexpected and creative ways, they relentlessly
manipulate to evade consequences, and they watch with great
satisfaction as parents blame teachers, teachers blame parents,
and educators blame each other. Divide and conquer is their
modus operandi.
Much of the ineffectiveness of traditional disciplinary
systems can be understood according to the “Threat Cycle,”
originally discussed by Dr. Raymond Wlodkowski in his
book, Teaching and Motivation. This cycle is a powerful way
of predicting the behavior of many people when they sense
a threat.

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 TEACHING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC — TAKING CONTROL OF THE CLASSROOM

Dr. Raymond Wlodkowski’s

Threat Cycle

THREAT Loss of Control

Frustration

Internal Conflict
nce ”
o m plia ur way!
s C
u t not yo
icio
Mal o it, bu Passive Aggressive Behavior
h , I’ll d Passive Resistive Behavior
“O Overt Aggression

As they develop a sense of potential loss of control they face

internal conflicts, often leading to passive-aggressive, passive-
resistive, or overtly aggressive behavior.
In the event that they see themselves possibly facing total loss
of control, they regain it through malicious compliance: “Okay,
I’ll do it, but not your way.” For example, a student is ordered to
the office, and she walks so slowly that you have to compare her
to stationary objects to know she is actually moving.

The Silent Tragedy of Traditional Systems:

How Compliant Students Feel
It should also be remembered that threats seem to work well
with the population of kids we don’t need to scare… that is, the
well-behaved students. In reality, they tend to backfire by increasing
the anxiety levels of these well-behaved students. Since we know
that excess anxiety impairs learning and performance, is this really
the way we want these kids to experience life at school?

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 TEACHING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC — TAKING CONTROL OF THE CLASSROOM

No Two Educators Are Alike

Traditional systems were largely developed to create consistency
among staff. The logic goes as follows: “If every rule and consequence
is set in stone, teachers will treat every student and every situation
in the same way.”
Is this reality… or is perception reality?
Mr. Jackson sees Festus running down the hall and thinks,
I wish I could still run like that. He’s happy for Festus and doesn’t
perceive a rule infraction.
Mrs. Henson witnesses the same thing and thinks, That’s a
criminal offense and I’d better put a stop to it. She comes down
hard on the offender.
Mr. Jackson watches Mrs. Henson’s actions and thinks, The
trouble with this school is those uptight people like Mrs. Henson.
She needs to loosen up a little. The kid wasn’t running that fast in
the first place.
Mrs. Henson sees Mr. Jackson’s lack of action and thinks,
No wonder we have discipline problems around this school. Nobody
enforces the rules.
It wasn’t long before there was a morale problem. And you
guessed it: a faculty meeting held to discuss consistency. How
can we get everybody to enforce the rules the same way?
Some common mantras were voiced: “If the other teachers
would just enforce the rules the way they should, I wouldn’t
be having discipline problems.” Another frequent theme
was: “If the other teachers would just loosen up and stay off
of these kids’ backs there wouldn’t be so many problems
around here.”
Isn’t it interesting that we tend to blame each other for the
failure of the system rather than considering that the system may
have some fatal flaws?

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Traditional systems backfire because:

1. challenging students view these as threats.
2. it gives them time to brace themselves for the prescribed
consequences.
3. many are compelled to test the resolve of the adult.
4. they have time to think of ways to violate the rule in a
slightly different way so they can argue about fairness, etc.
5. they often orchestrate arguments between the parents
and the teacher in attempts to defend their positions.
6. staff blame each other for the failure of the system.
7. students often view consequences as a badge of honor.
8. such threats often create perceptions of control loss.
9. loss of control often stimulates manipulative and/or
resistive behaviors.

The Solution: Guiding Principles…

Not a Step-by-Step System
Is it possible to have the best of both worlds where we achieve
consistency in the way we handle management and discipline
challenges and avoid the problems associated with traditional
classroom and school discipline plans?
Yes! It all comes down to combining a core set of principles
with some practical and powerful Love and Logic techniques.
Like a compass, the principles give us the direction in which we
yearn to go with all students. Like our car, the principles provide
the specific tools for getting there.

The Core Principles of the Love and Logic Approach

Love and Logic is based on five nonnegotiable principles.
These serve to keep our attention and actions consistent with the
mission… while providing enough freedom to meet the unique
needs of individual students and situations. As we consider

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how we manage our classrooms and provide student discipline,

our question is not, How can I follow “the system.” Rather, it’s
whether the actions I’m about to take are consistent with the
foundational values of Love and Logic.

PRINCIPLE ONE: MUTUAL DIGNITY AND RESPECT

Am I prepared to provide this management or disciplinary intervention

in a way that demonstrates respect toward my students and maintains
their dignity?
How will I take good care of myself so that I don’t allow my
students to treat me like a doormat?

PRINCIPLE TWO: SINCERE EMPATHY

How will I communicate a strong dose of genuine understanding

and compassion prior to expecting students to solve the problems
they create? Will I be capable of providing consequences preceded
by sincere empathy rather than providing them with anger, lectures,
threats, or sarcasm?

PRINCIPLE THREE: SHARED THINKING

Will I be doing most of the thinking? Or will my student(s)

have to? Am I primarily focused on thinking about consequences
for my students, or am I leaning mostly toward guiding them to
own and solve the problems they create?

PRINCIPLE FOUR: SHARED CONTROL WITHIN LIMITS

Am I making all of the decisions for my students, or am I allowing

them to decide the smaller things that don’t affect the welfare of
others? Am I remembering that we all have strong needs for control?

PRINCIPLE FIVE: IT ALL POINTS TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Am I establishing myself as a caring authority figure? Will this

intervention build or maintain a relationship with the student(s)

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Thinking Words versus Fighting Words

In many classrooms, setting limits means issuing commands. Love and Logic
teachers ask questions and offer choices instead, which places the responsibility
for decision making on the students.

Fighting Words: “If you don’t stop teasing those kids during recess, you’re
getting recess detention.”
Thinking Words: “I allow students to enjoy the playground when I don’t have
to worry about how they treat others while using it.”

*******
Fighting Words: “Keep your hands to yourself. That’s disruptive.”
Thinking Words: “Feel free to sit next to each other as long doing so doesn’t
cause any problems.”

*******
Fighting Words: “You need to get to work.”
Thinking Words: “I like students the same regardless of how high or low
their grade ends up being. Please let me know how I can help.”

where I am viewed as powerful and compassionate at the very

same time? Am I remembering that challenging students need
strong teachers who are friendly… not friendly teachers who
are pushovers?

Love and Logic: A Menu of Practical Techniques

The core principles give us the direction. The practical tools give
us strategies for getting there. As you continue through the
pages of this book, you’ll discover a variety of specific techniques
guaranteed to change your life… not just with your students
but other people in your life. This guarantee is real. If this book
doesn’t change your life, we’ll gladly buy it back.
In chapter one, Lynne discovered that the one-sentence
intervention and short-term recovery breathed life into her
teaching career. She also discovered the tremendous power of

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whispering. In this chapter you saw how Mr. Harrison used

How I Run my Love and Logic Classroom to turn a potentially
disastrous situation into an opportunity to build a relationship
with a tough student and a challenging parent. In your classroom,
we believe you’ll see the power of these positive and life-changing
skills. Enjoy!

The Five Core Principles of Love and Logic

Shared Dignity

Shared
Control Shared
Within Relationship Thinking
Limits

Empathy Before Consequences

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 CHAPTER THREE

Gaining Their
Admiration and Respect

I (Jim) was hoodwinked. Yes, I was tricked by my very own mother.

She tricked me into believing she could make me do everything
that she told me to do.
Mom was a small woman, so before long my brothers and I
were all bigger and stronger than she was. But still, we believed
she could make us do anything she told us to do. How could this
be? Many of my teenage friends didn’t have that same feeling.
They knew that nobody could make them do something they
didn’t want to do, and they acted accordingly, acting defiantly and
arguing with their parents over everything they didn’t want to do.
What’s the first step toward gaining our students’ admiration
and respect? How do we lovingly leave them believing that we
are one of the most powerful people on the planet? Is it by trying
to be their friend? No. Is it by barking orders and issuing threats
with more gusto than the teacher next-door? Nope. It’s by doing
what my mother did on a consistent basis: She proved that her
“yes” always meant “yes” and her “no” always meant “no.”
Her “yes” was always “yes” and her “no” was always “no.”

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My mother was a master at setting limits for my brothers

and me. As such, we never doubted her word. You could take
everything she said to the bank and cash it in for pure gold.
That meant she weakened her credibility by telling us to do
something she couldn’t make happen two hundred percent of
the time. As a result, Mom was the undisputed… and dearly
loved, authority figure in our home.
She maintained her credibility by never… ever…
setting a limit she couldn’t enforce.

How to Start a Fight You’ll

Never Win: Use “Fighting Words”
Somehow our mother had developed some major wisdom. While
lacking much of a formal education, she knew what a lot of
people without graduate degrees don’t understand: When you tell
a stubborn person what they should or should not do, it almost
always starts an unwinnable fight.
Many educators and parents find themselves embroiled in
constant power struggles because they’ve fallen into the habit of
telling kids what to do. While they believe they’re setting limits,
they’re really not. Let’s consider what happens… psychologically…
when you tell a stubborn person what to do or not do:
 tep One: A warning sounds in their subconscious mind:
S
“Control loss! You’re losing control! You can’t let that happen.”
 tep Two: They consider some options for regaining control:
S
• Hearing loss.
• Memory impairment.
• Passive resistance or aggression. (Do what you’re told…
but do it sloppily, or in way that creates a bigger problem
for the person who’s trying to boss you around.)
• Do exactly the opposite of what you’ve been told.

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 tep Three: Enjoy the feelings of great power as you watch

S
the veins on the other person’s forehead bulge.

When this happens to a well-meaning teacher who simply

wants her students to keep their hands to themselves and stop
being disruptive, any of the above “options for regaining con-
trol” create a major inconvenience. Unfortunately, that’s not the
worst part. The most destructive aspect of this scenario has to
do with what happens to this teacher’s credibility, or authority
in their students’ eyes.
When we tell a stubborn student what to do, how long does
it take them to prove that we are completely powerless? How
long does it take after we tell a stubborn kid what to do for
them to prove to themselves and anyone witnessing, that we
have absolutely no strength or authority?
I (Charles) had an experience that drove this point home.
There I was, driving in the car with my son. He was seventeen
at the time and was experiencing a season of snits. For some
reason, he was constantly bent out of shape about one thing or
the other. About 3.5 minutes into the drive, he’s making nasty
comments about other drivers, the weather, and the general
order of the universe.
Have you ever experienced skill slippage?
Irritated and somehow ready to fight a battle I could never
win, I turned to him and lectured, “Watch your mouth!”
At the precise second it came out of my mouth, I knew it
wasn’t the most loving and logical way to handle the problem.
This was confirmed when he defiantly flipped down the sun
visor and looked dramatically into the vanity mirror… “I’m
watching my mouth,” he proclaimed with great sarcasm.
How long did it take for him to prove himself and to me
that I lacked the power to directly control what came out of his
mouth? If this sort of thing were to happen on a rather consistent

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basis, how long would it take before he learned to ignore just

about everything that came out of my mouth? It might have been
far more effective for me to say something like, “Oh, son, I’m
always happy to drive you the places you want to go when I don’t
have to worry about hearing negative comments. And… by the
way… I’m always happy to allow kids to use the family car when
I’m feeling respected.”
The more we try to make someone change,
the more likely we are to lock him or her
into the offending behavior.
Let’s consider a classroom example, where the well-meaning
teacher mentioned above says to a couple of strong-willed eighth
graders: “Keep your hands to yourself.” What are the odds that
this teacher will soon be seen as completely powerless by these
two students and the entire class? After the fighting words,
“Keep your hands to yourself ” enter her students’ ear canals, how
many milliseconds will it take for them to begin touching each
other more intensely? That’s how long it takes for us to lose our
power when we tell stubborn kids (and even adults) what to do.
Would this teacher enjoy a more positive result if he or she
wandered over to these students and said something like, “I allow
students to sit where they like as long as it doesn’t cause a problem.”
Even if the kids don’t immediately comply, she doesn’t look
powerless. In fact, she might allow them to think they’ve gotten
away with being noncompliant. That is, until the next time
class meets when these students discover they now have seats on
opposite sides of the room.

Mom Used Thinking Words, Instead

My (Jim’s) mom rarely told us what to do. Instead, she told us
what she was going to do. As a result, we found ourselves having
to think hard about how we were going to successfully fit into

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the way she ran her own life. love and logic experiment:
We were constantly forced to Bothering Others
consider our own behavior as student: (Student is visiting or bothering
she described hers: “I listen others when she should be working.)
when kids are talking respect-
teacher (whispering with a grin):
fully. I wash clothes that are
“Could you save that for Mr. Thompson’s
placed in the hamper. I take
class? He really likes that stuff.
kids places when they are
Thanks.” (Turn your back and walk
finished with their chores.
away without waiting for an answer.)
I offer dinner until seven p.m.”
My brothers and I share an
early memory of Mother Marie sweetly informing us that she’d
be serving dinner in twenty minutes… and that she’d provide
a place setting for those with clean hands. Just about that time
we were distracted by the sound of a fire truck roaring down the
street. Bursting out of the front door, the three of us raced down
the block to see what was going on. We forgot about dinner.
Returning an hour later, we found the food in the refrigerator.
It was cold. As you can imagine, the cold mashed potatoes and
gravy caused us to think deeply.
It was at that time we all decided that listening to Mom was
a wise thing to do. We were starting to realize that ignoring
her always resulted in a problem for us, not for her. Since she
never told us in advance what the problem was going to be, we
couldn’t conduct a cost/benefit analysis and were forced to do
some major thinking.
At some point in her young life, our mother must have
discovered that the only person she could control was herself. As
such, she spent little or no time trying to control us. Ironically,
this forced us to work hard on controlling ourselves.
When we spend less time trying to control others, we have
more time and energy to provide great role modeling.

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Thinking Words Create “Enforceable Statements”

Mom could enforce her limits because she only told us what she
was going to do. Her enforceable statements established limits
and boundaries for her kids.
Instead of saying, “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice,”
she’d say, “I’ll listen when your voice sounds calm like mine.”
Instead of saying, “I’m not doing this homework for you,”
she’d say, “I’ll help with your homework when I see that you are
doing more work than I am.”
She didn’t order, “Hurry up!” but calmly let us know, “My car
is leaving in thirty minutes.”
She didn’t say, “I’m not buying you that. Put it back on the
shelf,” but instead she said, “Feel free to have that when you can
afford it.”
She didn’t say, “Show a little respect,” but rather, “I’m happy
to do the things you want when I feel respected and your chores
are done.”
She didn’t demand, “Get your chores done,” but simply said,
“I’ll drive you to baseball practice as soon as your chores are done.”
She didn’t nag, “Come on. Get up. Get out of bed. For
crying out loud,” but rather informed us, “Here is your one and
only wake-up call.”

“Thinking Words” in the Classroom

Practically all teachers begin their careers knowing their ability to
set and enforce limits is important. Many of us, however, encounter
students who give us an inaccurate perspective as how to actually
make it happen. Too frequently, we meet just enough compliant
students to convince us that telling kids what to do is effective. To
these docile students, we say, “Pay attention,” and they pay atten-
tion. We say, “Settle down,” and they settle down. We say, “Keep
your hands to yourself,” and… you guessed it… they actually

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comply. These sweet students, with all of their compliant behavior,

do us a great disservice by deluding us into thinking we can actually
control the behavior of others.
When we believe that old techniques would work
if students would just behave, we have a discipline problem
that’s too difficult to solve.
Fortunately, we all eventually meet students who are willing
to give us a more accurate perspective as to how much power
we really have over others. These wonderful, obstinate, strong-
willed young people provide salient learning opportunities that
motivate us to find more effective techniques. Let’s imagine a
student who came out of the womb smoking a cigar, wearing
little red boxing gloves, and talking like James Cagney in those
old gangster movies: “Hey, Doc. Before ya cut dat cord, let’s get
straight with who’s da boss here …ay!”

Which of the following will get us the most favorable result?

UNENFORCEABLE STATEMENT ENFORCEABLE STATEMENT

“Fighting Words” “Thinking Words”

Hand your papers in on time. I assign full credit to papers handed

in on time.
Quit texting. Give me your cell Cell phones are great. I allow them
phone. to remain in the room as long as they
aren’t causing a problem.
Stop visiting with each other. Feel free to visit as long as it’s
done quietly.
Get to work. I’m always willing to help. Please let
me know if you are interested.
You need to get a better attitude. I’ll listen when your voice is calm
like mine.
You are not joining us for the activity Feel free to join us as soon as that’s
until you have that cleaned up. all put away.
Turn to page six. I’m currently on page six.

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 TEACHING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC — TAKING CONTROL OF THE CLASSROOM

Walk! Stop running in the hall. I’m concerned about you. I allow
students to continue when I see that
they can walk.
You keep causing disruptions. You I allow students to remain with the
need to get yourself together. group as long as they aren’t causing
a problem.
You need to behave in the cafeteria. We allow students to use the cafeteria
when they can do so without causing
a problem. Ms. Jones has a nice
quiet place for you to eat lunch until
you’ve come up with a plan.
Take that hat off. That’s not It’s great to see you. I allow students
dress code. to join us when I see they have their
hats off.

The enforceable statements provided above are simply examples.

Wise educators never leap blindly into anything until they’ve
considered how well it fits their unique students and their unique
personalities. The key point is not that you use exactly what’s
written in the pages of this book. No. Far more important
is that you develop a rather small number of limits that you
know… beyond a shadow of a doubt… you can enforce without
breaking a sweat.
To create their own enforceable statements, many educators
find it helpful to use the following generic format:
“I allow___________________________, as long as it
doesn’t cause a problem.”
For example, “I allow students to work in groups on this task
as long as it doesn’t cause a problem.” Or, “I allow students to use
the internet to research this as long as it doesn’t cause a problem.”
Or perhaps, “I allow students to do their work standing, sitting,
kneeling, or in any other physical position as long as it doesn’t
cause a problem.”

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Successful Educators Set Relatively Few Limits

We are huge advocates of setting limits with kids. In fact,
we’re huge advocates of setting limits and boundaries with all
people, regardless of age. With this said, please don’t fall into the
trap of thinking you need a mile-long list. The most successful
educators intensify their focus on a relatively small number of
limits. Then they prove to
their students that they can love and logic experiment:

enforce them without shedding Not Following Rules

a single drop of perspiration. student: (Not following the rules

Less successful people, in contrast, during a game.)

attempt to set and enforce too teacher: “There are two ways to enjoy
many. Spread too thin and the game. One, is by playing it, and
seeming incredibly uptight, the other one, is by watching it.
they quickly lose their authori- Which would you rather do?”
ty and their students’ respect.
student: “Well, I’m not the only one…”

Do Our Students Thank teacher (with empathy): “Oh, man. It

Us for the Limits We Set? looks like you’ll be watching.”

student: “Not fair!”

I (Charles) watched a teacher
teacher: “I bet it looks that way, and
use a powerful enforceable
statement with one of the you may return to the game when I
most difficult students in her don’t have to worry about cheating
school. Leaning into his ear, and arguing.”
she whispered, “I allow stu-
dents to remain with the group when they aren’t making calls on
their cell phone.”
This amazingly tough kid gazed her way and replied, “This
is… amazing! I feel so much better now that I know that you
care enough to set limits. Will you please take my phone so I’m
not tempted to use it during class? And, teacher… would it be
okay if I gave you a hug?”

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The student handed her the phone and hugged her. Tears of
joy streamed down his cheeks.
Then I woke up. It was a pleasant dream while it lasted.
What’s the eyes open and wide-awake reality of setting effective
limits with tough students? They’ll almost always test to see if our
limits are real… and if we care enough and are strong enough to
enforce them.
Kids yearn for the very same limits
they argue with us about the most.
It’s our job to set limits.
It’s a kid’s job to test these limits.
If we love our students enough to set limits, we’d better expect
them to test us by arguing, whining, and trying to manipulate
their way around these limits. This doesn’t mean they are bad
kids, it simply means they need to see if we are strong and caring
enough to hold our ground.

Question: If students are able to wear us down by arguing

over the limits we set, do we really have
effective limits?
Question: Who’s really in control when a student successfully
pulls us into a debate over a limit we have set?
Question: Do we remain a loving authority figure under
such circumstances, or are we seen by students
as weak and unable to lead?

Visiting with her friends in the workroom at West Mountain

Middle School, Sandy complained, “I don’t know what’s wrong
with kids today. Even the smallest request or limit ends up
getting me a load of back talk. I tell them not to talk to me that
way, but it just seems to make things worse.”

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This stimulated a rather lively discussion.

Vickie replied, “Oh, I had the same problem at home with
my teenager, Paul. He argues with everything I say.”
Bree agreed: “Just today I had a student tell me that I couldn’t
make her do an assignment because it wasn’t in her IEP. I couldn’t
believe it. She’s only seven! I tried to explain to her that it was
something she needed in order to understand the next part of the
subject, but she just kept arguing.”
“Yeah, I get that kind of back talk, too,” responded Veronica.
“A boy in one of my classes told me that because he forgot to
take his medication it wasn’t his fault he hit a kid. When I got
home that very same day, my son told me that he wasn’t going
to take out the trash.”

When a Child Starts to Argue, go “Brain Dead”

Too frequently we try to match wits with arguing kids. We attempt
to do so by using our superior wisdom and logic to change their
minds. Have you ever seen this work? Have you ever seen a stubborn
student, after being lectured about the importance of completing
his work, turn to the teacher and say, “I totally disagreed with what
you said until you mentioned the part about me having a really
hard life if I don’t get an education. That makes so much sense.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I better get to work.”
When kids argue with adults, they couldn’t care less about
wisdom and logic. Their goal is to simply get their way… or to at
least see the color of the adult’s face turn an exciting hue of red.
For this reason, wise teachers remember to go “brain dead” as
soon as they sense an argument coming their way. They remind
themselves, “Don’t think too hard about what this kid is saying
or doing. If I do I’ll be tempted to either reason or make a threat
I can’t back up.” These highly skilled people understand that
reasoning with an angry, arguing child is like fighting a fire with
gasoline. Every word used simply heaps more fuel on the inferno.

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Every effort made to correct the student erodes their view of us

as a strong and caring leader.
Teachers who get pulled into reasoning with
arguing students commit leadership suicide.
It’s important for all of us to remember that many children
have been practicing their manipulation skills for years before
they enter our classrooms. Many have already mastered the art of
getting what they want by hooking their parents into unwinnable
arguments. Their parents have fallen into the trap of trying to
reason with them, only finding that every attempt to do so only
stimulates more arguing.
These children are adept at twisting their parents’ words into
“bird walk” after “bird walk” until the frustrated parent eventually
gives in. It is not long before these children believe that getting
one’s way is simply a matter of wearing down adults.
There are few things more damaging than allowing kids to
believe they can use arguing or manipulation to get their way,
to push others’ buttons, or to deflect responsibility for their
poor decisions.
When this happens it has a powerfully negative impact on the
adult’s ability to remain a healthy authority figure. The adult…

• is no longer seen by the child as a compelling role model.

• becomes unable to establish limits, boundaries, or any other
type of positive discipline. (Every attempt they make to
use a new skill is met with massive back talk.)
• begins to set fewer necessary limits in a subconscious
attempt to avoid hassles from the kids. (i.e.: The kids train
the adults to stay out of their way.)
• starts to dislike the child and begins to come across as
bitter or resentful.
• often experiences serious burn-out and depression.

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Obviously this also has a love and logic experiment:

massively negative effect on When Do I Argue?
the child. They… student: (Student is trying to argue.)

teacher (smiles): “When do I argue?”

• begin to act out even
student: “Yeah, but it’s not fair.”
more in a subconscious
attempt to find the teacher (pointing at a sign on the wall):

security found in limits. “I argue at 12:15 and 3:15 daily.

• lose opportunities to What’s best for you?”
learn from their poor student: “Yeah, but that’s at lunch and
decisions. after school.”
• become susceptible to
teacher (still smiling): “I know.”
beliefs of entitlement.
• rarely learn delayed
gratification or other forms of self-control.
• fail to develop a healthy view of authority figures.
• become addicted to the drama of arguing and manipulation.
• often suffer from chronic feelings of hostility toward adults
and themselves.

Based on the above, we shouldn’t be surprised that so many

students enter our classrooms primed to challenge our necessary
position as a caring authority figure. Fortunately, we can turn
this situation around… at least in our classroom… when we
remember two things:
Number One: When a student starts to argue, go “brain dead.”
Number Two: Calmly repeat your Love and Logic “one-liner.”
And begin to move away from the student.

Love and Logic “One-Liners”

We’ve established the importance of going “brain dead” so
we can remain calmer and resist the urge to reason with the

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arguing student. What comes next? Listed below are just a few
favorite Love and Logic “one-liners” used by teachers all over the
world. The key to success is not using all of them. It’s selecting
one, or creating one of your own, and using the same one over
and over again, regardless of what the student says.

• I know.
• I care about you (or respect you) too much to argue.
• Thanks for sharing… and what did I say?
• Could be… and what did I say?
• When do I argue? (during lunch and after school)
• Ohhhh…

LET’S CONSIDER A QUICK EXAMPLE:

Teacher (with sincere empathy): “This is such a bummer. I see

that you were using your tablet to watch videos instead
of doing your work. When do I allow students to use
the web for research?”
Student: “I got on that website on accident. It wasn’t my fault!
Not fair.”
Teacher (with a sincere, compassionate smile and remembering
to go “brain dead”): “What did I say?”
Student: “I’m telling my dad. He’s a lawyer! It’s your fault if I
fail this project!”
Teacher (still calm and empathetic): “And what did I say?”
Student: “You’re not even listening to me! You don’t care.”
Teacher (resisting the urge to lecture or get emotional): “And
what did I say?”
Student: “I won’t do it again… I promise… Give me another
chance…”
Teacher (moving away from the student): “And what did I say?”

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When Kids Try to Argue

Resist the urge to think.

Remember to use very

Repeat a Love and Logic One-liner: few words.
• I know.
• I love you too much to argue.
• What did I say?
• I argue at 4 p.m. daily. Move away from the child.

No sarcasm.

REMEMBER:
The One-Sentence Intervention No lectures.

No anger or frustration.

The One-Sentence Intervention

Identify a challenging child.

I noticed that you ____________.
I noticed that you ____________.
I noticed that you ____________.
List six positive
characteristics or I noticed that you ____________.
interests of the child. I noticed that you ____________.
I noticed that you ____________.

Test this approach by asking the

child: “Will you do ________ just
for me? Thanks.”
Do this in ways that are
not embarrassing or
otherwise uncomfortable.
Share these with the
child at least 2x per week
for 3 weeks.
Immediately walk away
from the student.

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One-Liners: Done with Empathy or with Sarcasm?

Some educators make the grave error of thinking that using
one-liners is a way to get even with students or to somehow put
them in their place. Nothing could be further from the truth. In
fact, one-liners delivered with sarcasm or anger are guaranteed
to make the problem worse.
The kids loved Mr. Elias... one of the toughest teachers at West
Mountain Middle School. He was tough because his limits were
firm and he always expected the best from his students. He was
loved by them, because he knew how to combine this toughness with
great amounts of sincere empathy and kind humor. Overhearing his
colleagues discuss their woes with argumentative kids, he described
something he’d learned at a Love and Logic conference:

“As a young teacher, I used to have a lot of trouble with

students talking back and arguing. Then I had an opportunity
to hear Jim Fay speak. He taught mostly with stories, and
the one that made me think was about a teacher who
made a sign for her classroom. Anytime a student would
argue, she’d smile in a friendly way, point to the sign, and
ask, ‘When do I argue?’ The sign read, ‘I argue with students
at 11:15 a.m. and 3:15 p.m. daily.’ At her school, this
was during student lunch and after school. Any time they
brought this fact to her attention, she’d empathize, ‘I know,
and when do I argue?’”

Mr. Elias continued by describing how he modified it for

his classroom:

“When my students try to argue, I just smile and ask them to

make an appointment. I’ve also let them know that if they
present a respectful disagreement and a good case, I might
make some changes. They rarely take advantage of

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this opportunity, but when they do, I always find it improves

our relationship.”

When it comes to neutralizing student arguing, every effective

teacher has a slightly different approach. What we say in response
to arguments is not nearly as important as establishing the fact
that every time it happens, we respond in a predictably firm, yet
empathetic way. One teacher commented:

“I began to realize that if I used any words… any words at

all… my students would throw them back at me. Then I’d
find myself getting frustrated. One day, when I was at a
complete loss for how to respond, I accidentally replied with
‘Ohh.’ Actually it was an empathetic, drawn-out ‘Ohhhhhhh’
where I simply let all of the air out of my lungs. I couldn’t
believe it. The kid actually paused. I think he was confused.
Then I kept repeating, ‘Ohhhhhh.’ He quickly gave up,
walked back to his desk, and plunked himself into his chair.
Now ‘Ohhhhhh’ is my go-to response when they begin to
argue. I’ve made it so predictable that now they beat me to
it, and often say, ‘Oh… I know… ohhhhh,’ and walk away.
What I love about this one-liner is that it fits anything a kid
might say, it helps me stay calm, and I can’t produce words
when there is no air in my lungs.”

Mutual Dignity
Perhaps we should examine how all of this fits with the Five
Principles of Love and Logic, the first being mutual dignity.
How would you like to be spoken to? Are we maintaining a
student’s dignity when we bark orders, always telling them what
they should do or not do? Do we show great respect when we
try to match wits with students by trying to argue our point?

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Does any of this bring the best out of anyone? In contrast, do

we use the language of dignity and respect when we assertively
describe what we are going to do or allow… and calmly demon-
strate that we care about them too much to argue?
During a presentation by our good friend and colleague,
Dave Funk, one rather confrontational participant shouted,
“Well, Mr. Funk, you keep talking about words of respect. How
are we supposed to know what these words are?”
“Oh,” he answered, “I bet you already know the words of
respect. They are the ones you use with your class while your
principal and school superintendent are sitting in the back of
the room.”
Love and Logic emphasizes dignity provided to students, but
it also places a heavy emphasis on teachers maintaining their
own dignity. When we are able to set and enforce limits without
threats, lectures, or arguments, do we maintain our own dignity
and self-respect?

Shared Thinking and Shared Control Within Limits

Two additional and closely related Love and Logic principles are
shared thinking and shared control within limits. Is it true that
most of us prefer to have an employer who treats us as capable
of thinking for ourselves? Is it true great leaders provide a mission,
a due date, some training, and then trust us to figure out the
best way to achieve it? Providing enforceable statements and
neutralizing student arguing are just two of the many ways the
Love and Logic approach shares healthy amounts of thinking
and control. We’ll provide many additional ideas on this subject
in chapter five.

Empathy
Without sincere empathy, there is no Love and Logic. Since
free will exists among all of humanity, we cannot ensure that

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all educators set limits, avoid unwinnable arguments… or do

anything else… in a way that demonstrates true caring and
compassion. All we can accomplish is to emphasize the importance
of doing so.
If you ever run into someone who complains, “I tried that
Love and Logic, and it doesn’t work,” there’s a good chance they
are trying to apply it with anger, lectures, threats, coldness, or
biting sarcasm.

Relationships
Healthy teacher-student relationships never happen without
healthy limits set and enforced by the adult. Do challenging
students truly bond with doormat-type teachers who try to
be every kid’s best friend? No way. They develop contempt for
these adults, and spend most of their time manipulating and
feeling out of control.
Do difficult students respect teachers who bark plenty of
orders and issue threats that they can never enforce? Of course
they don’t.
As we keep emphasizing, students connect with educators
who are able to establish themselves as being powerful and warm
at the same time.
Limits set with enforceable statements and enforced with
empathy are just part of the formula for establishing this
power-warmth (or strong-loving) balance. We briefly introduced
another approach in chapter one. You may recall that a
young teacher, Lynne, was having quite a time with her rather
rambunctious and defiant student, Philip. Her mentor
suggested she work on their relationship by systematically
noticing unique and special things about him. Let’s look at
the steps for applying this technique over a three-week experi-
mental period:

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The One-Sentence Intervention

Step One: Identify six unique and positive things the
student values.
These should be things valued by the student… not positive
aspects of their behavior or attitude that you are hoping to reinforce.
As we clarified in chapter one, the one-sentence intervention is
not the “catch-them-when-they-are-good” technique. Instead, it
represents a genuine attempt by the adult to value the student
for who they are… the wonderful parts and the warts as well.

We come to respect, admire, and model after

those who value us unconditionally.
This doesn’t mean valuing all behavior unconditionally.
This means valuing each student regardless of
how negative their behavior might be.

Many teachers describe how difficult it can be to identify six

unique and positive things that their hard-to-love students value.
One helpful strategy involves having all of our students com-
plete an interest inventory at the beginning of the year. This can
give us some clues as to what they’re into and what they value.
Perhaps many of us simply make this harder than it has to
be, thinking we need to notice big and important things. Often-
times noticing the smallest, even rather mundane things seems
to have an even bigger impact. For example, the student…
• likes to draw.
• likes to wear boots.
• doesn’t let anyone push him around.
• has a scrape or other “wound.”
• likes a certain type of shoe.
• has shoes (for the little ones).
• plays a certain sport.

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• is loyal to friends.
• rides a bike to school.
• drives to school.
• likes a certain type of music.
• plays an instrument.
• likes to wear shoes without socks.
• likes animals.
• has a pet. (This is a big one!)

Step Two: Write each of these six unique things in the for-
mat, “I noticed that_________. I noticed that.”
Don’t end the statement with “and that’s great.” Simply end
it with “I noticed.” Challenging students frequently react nega-
tively to praise. It’s as if they think, I’m not that great. What’s this
person want from me? What’s their agenda? I better show them that
buttering me up is not going to work!

Step Three: Share with the student two of these statements

per week for three weeks.
Do this when they are calm, and do this when it will not
embarrass them around their peers. Seeing them in the hall,
whisper, “I noticed that__________. I noticed that.” Walking by
their desk, whisper, “I noticed that__________. I noticed that.”
If the student wants to talk about what you’ve shared, spend
a few moments conversing. If they look uncomfortable or say
something snide like, “So… you are so weird,” just move away.
You might even reply, “Yes. I noticed that, too.”
During this time we are planting seeds. As good farmers, we know
seeds don’t sprout immediately. It takes some time and nurturing.

Step Four: After three weeks, test your progress.

When the student is doing something you want them to
stop… or is not doing something you’d like them to start, walk

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over and whisper, “Will you _________________, just for

me? Thanks.” As the word “thanks” is coming out of your
mouth, begin moving away from the student at a moderate
rate of speed.
If they grumble, complain, or claim they aren’t going to
comply, just keep moving. Go back to teaching or whatever you
were doing before you approached them.
By moving away, and by ignoring their grumbling, we send a
powerful message: “I believe in you, and I know you will do this
for me without a fight.” In contrast, when we make the mistake
of standing near them or hoping that the evil eye will do the
trick, we send a far less positive expectation: “I just know you aren’t
going to comply. That’s why I’ll need to keep an eye on you and
make you do what I want.”
Kids either live up to… or down to… our expectations. Besides,
it’s always significantly less likely that we’ll get pulled into an
unwinnable power struggle when we are no longer there.
Kids either live up to… or down to… our expectations.
A teacher in one of my (Charles’s) conferences kept complaining,
“This won’t work with my kids. This won’t work with my kids.”
Finally I asked her, “Tell me more. What are your kids like?”
She replied, “I teach high school special ed. I’ve got a
self-contained classroom of some of the most difficult streetwise
students you’ll ever meet.”
“I bet that’s tough,” I agreed. “How about if I make you a bet?”
She smiled, and replied, “I’m not typically the gambling
type, but you are on!”
“Okay, here’s the deal,” I continued. “Use this on your toughest
student. If they aren’t willing to do something for you after
sharing your ‘I noticed’ statements twice a week for three weeks,
I’ll send you one hundred dollars’ worth of products from our
Love and Logic catalog.”

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A month later I received a call. On the line was this very

same teacher. She complained, “I’m so disappointed with that
one-sentence intervention technique.”
At a loss for words, I simply asked, “Didn’t work?”
“Well, you see,” she continued, “I used it with two of my
students. I kept noticing little things about them just the way you
explained. Three weeks went by, and I saw my opportunity to test
it and get my two hundred bucks’ worth of stuff. The two of them
were sitting at a table together goofing around instead of working. I
wandered over and whispered to both of them, ‘Guys, will you get
to work, just for me? Thanks.’ Then I walked away. Behind my back
I heard them mocking, ‘Will you get to work just for me? Thanks.’”
I felt bad for her, and stated, “I’m so sorry this didn’t work
for you.”
She answered, “No, I was elated. As I heard their nasty come-
back, I thought to myself, ‘That’s two kids… that’s two hundred
bucks of stuff from Love and Logic!’ What was so irritating is that
when I had a chance to peek their way, they were fast at work.”
I was confused. “Huh?”
She laughed. “I just called to tell you that it actually worked.
I still can’t believe it.”
When teachers combine powerful limits, enforcement of
these limits with empathy, and the one-sentence intervention,
they dramatically stack the odds in favor of success with students.
They also go a long way toward helping students whose emotional
needs are not met at home.
Whenever we build a relationship with a student, we change
their life. We don’t always see the results, but scores of research
tells us that it takes just one positive relationship to save a child.
Whenever we build a relationship, it also ups the odds that
we’ll end up truly liking the student. All of this goes both ways.
We noticed something: Life is better when we truly like kids…
particularly when we work with them on a daily basis!

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There’s no
Love or Logic
Without Sincere
Empathy
Kurt had his priorities. School was rarely one of them. More
important was keeping up on his texts, tweets, posts, voice messages…
and of course… his video gaming acumen.
This year, Kurt was in a brand new grade with a brand new type
of teacher, Mrs. Jacobson. His first English project, an essay
showcasing the fine art of hyperbole, arrived on her desk later than
a June bug in October. Kurt braced himself for the inevitable:
Lectures about the importance of promptness and threats about
the type of poor grade he’d receive if he didn’t start completing
assignments in a timelier manner. Man, he thought, teachers and
parents must be born with an extra part of the brain… the “lecture lobe.”
Did we mention that Mrs. Jacobson was different? Patting
Kurt on the back, she replied with loving sadness, “Oh… Kurt…
I can’t imagine how upsetting it must have been to discover that
this assignment was overdue.”
Kurt, too confused to respond, grunted, “Uh…”
With sincere concern, Mrs. Jacobson continued, “The good
news… Kurt… is that there will be some other assignments this
year that you may be able to get credit for.”

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“You mean I’m getting a zero on that one?” Kurt inquired.

With empathy, she nodded, “Yes. Like I said, I can’t imagine
how disappointing this must be for you. Please let me know
how I can help.”
With awe and great sincerity, did Kurt smile and say, “Oh…
Mrs. Jacobson… I am so thankful for this character-building ex-
perience. I just know that I am going to be a better man because
of this. I bet this was hard for you, too. Can I give you a hug”?

The Reality
Wouldn’t it be great if students actually reacted like that? Wouldn’t
it be amazing if there was some strategy for helping them see
consequences as wonderful gifts intended to help them avoid a
lifetime of pain and disappointment? Is this reality, or is it fantasy?
We’ve never seen a student respond like Kurt in the example
above. Nevertheless, we have known numerous educators who’ve
learned how to provide discipline without losing the admiration
and respect of their students. Dr. Foster W. Cline and I (Jim)
discovered the secret early in the evolution of Love and Logic.
The 1970s were an interesting time in America. Some kids
were wearing bell-bottom pants. Even more were discovering
that their parents and teachers couldn’t tell them what to do. Up
until this time, threats, lectures, and intimidation seemed to work
with almost all youth. Yes, there was a time in America when
adults could scare most kids into acting better. It still wasn’t the
best way to work with youth, but it looked like it worked.
As a child, my father (Jim’s) employed a common approach
termed “discipline with decibels.” He’d yell, “Sit down, shut
up, and listen!” My brothers and I would sit down, shut up,
and listen. As the 1970s arrived, many kids changed their tune:
“You can’t talk to us that way! We’re calling social services” or in
response to teachers, “You talk to me that way, and my dad is
gonna come down here and _____________________.”

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Against this societal backdrop, my friend Foster (Dr. Cline)

and I began to develop the Love and Logic approach. Studying
a wide array of research and theory in education and psychology,
we became obsessed with the importance of two things:
Kids need limits.
In fact, kids crave… or yearn for… the very same limits
they seem to protest the most.
Kids need to make plenty of affordable mistakes.
Children learn to make great decisions about big and
important things by making plenty of mistakes over
relatively small things and experiencing the relatively
small natural or logical consequences.

Somehow, we thought, we have to provide the boundaries

and structure students need while at the very same time helping
them learn to make respectful and responsible decisions. The name
“Love and Logic” was born:
Love
It takes a great amount of Love to set and enforce limits
with kids. It also takes a large measure of Love to step
back and allow them to make small mistakes.
Logic
The Logic is not something we provide from the outside
with eloquent lectures or persuasive discourse. Instead, a
valuable type of Logic develops within a child’s heart and
mind when they experience the consequences of their
good and their poor decisions.

Foster and I were pretty proud of ourselves, and our heads

became even bigger when parents and educators began to tout
the effectiveness of what we were teaching in our classes:

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Learning from Mistakes

Children learn from their mistakes when:

• they experience the consequences of their mistakes, and

• adults in their environment provide empathy.

Bad choices have natural consequences. If David fails to wear a coat, he

gets cold. If Jan misses the school bus, she has to pay her mom for the trip to
school.
Adults are tempted to scold and reprimand but may be surprised to learn
that children actually learn best from consequences when adults empathize
with them.

• “It’s never fun to be cold, David.”

• “I can’t imagine how frustrating it was to see the bus pulling away
without you.”

When adults reprimand, children often transform sorrow over their choice
into anger with the adult — and the lesson is lost.
When adults express sincere sorrow, children have a significant learning
opportunity. David may think, Tomorrow I’ll wear my coat. Jan may decide,
I’ll get up fifteen minutes earlier tomorrow.

Empathy + The Consequence = Learning

“Thanks so much, Jim and Foster. Things are better in

my classroom and home! The kids are way more respectful
and responsible.”

Pride comes before the fall. Like a balloon in a cacti garden,

our growing egos suddenly shriveled to a more appropriate size:

“Thanks for nothing, Jim and Foster. You ruined my

classroom and my home! Now the kids are more resentful
and rebellious.”

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We were dismayed. We kept pondering, How is it that about

half of the people are so successful with these concepts… and about
half are not?

Shoplifting
About that time two local fourteen-year-old girls, Beth and
Sarah, walked into the local drug store, hoping to acquire a
“five-finger-discount” on cosmetics: Being busted for shoplifting
was the result.
At that time, Evergreen, Colorado was a small and tightknit
community. As such, both sets of parents had taken the parenting
course Foster and I taught. Getting together to commiserate and
plan, both sets decided to address the problem in the same way.
Their thinking was, If they both have the same consequences, they
won’t be able to play us against each other.
As their plan ran its course, Beth proclaimed to everyone
in the community who’d listen, “My parents are so pathetic. I
can’t believe what they did! I wouldn’t have all of these problems
if they weren’t so uptight and clueless. I can’t wait to get out of
their #$%@$# house.”

People excuse all sorts of inappropriate behavior

by blaming those around them.

Sarah’s response was very different. “Mr. Fay,” she said with
downcast eyes, “I can’t believe I did that. That was so stupid.”
I (Jim) responded, “So I hear that your parents and Beth’s
are making you guys do even more community service than the
judge ordered. I bet that makes you really mad.”
Her response was shocking: “Yeah… well… I guess not really.
They just want me to have a good life… and… like they love me
and don’t want me to go to prison someday.”

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Empathy expressed by the adult drives the pain

of the consequence deep into the heart where it can grow
into character and wisdom.

Off I went to tell Dr. Cline, my buddy and renowned psychia-

trist. “Foster,” I said, “you know so-and-so who got arrested at the
drug store for stealing makeup?”
“Which so-and-so?” he inquired.
“Sarah,” I replied. “You won’t believe this. She just told me…
more or less… that what she did was stupid and that her parents
did what they did because they love her.”
“What?” Foster answered. “That’s a far cry from what Beth is
spouting around town!”
“Yes,” I agreed, “both of their parents seemed to use what we
teach… but why the big difference in how their kids reacted?
I’ve known both of them since they were little girls. Both of the
kids have about the same personality. I mean... I could understand
it if one was born a lot more strong-willed than the other… but…
well that just doesn’t seem to be the case.”
Foster studied the floor, scratched his head, and replied with
a wry grin, “You know, Jim, I don’t think they taught us that in
psychiatry school.”
My mouth hung open.
Foster continued, “Think about it, Jim. If we could figure
this out and share it with the world, what a gift it would be.
What if we could teach people how to discipline kids without
losing their love and respect? That would be amazing!”
This discussion launched the two of us on a passionate
journey of discovery. Answers didn’t come from books, research
journal articles, university courses, seminars, or reexamination
of the educational and psychological theories. They came from
observations and interviews with highly effective educators and
topnotch parents. It was all Foster’s idea. “Hey, Jim,” he suggested,

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“let’s study the folks who have success and compare what they do
with those who don’t.”
It all started with comparing the way Beth and Sarah’s parents
handled the shoplifting saga. Both girls were expected to do
extra community service. Both were required to complete extra
chores at home to repay their parents for the time and energy
drained as a result of their parents having to accompany them to
court. Both were restricted for three months from visiting any
stores without direct parental supervision.
Let’s view how Beth’s parents delivered the consequences:

“Beth, you know better than to do something like that! That

makes us so mad. You look at us when we’re talking to you!
You know good and well what stealing does to your reputa-
tion, and we’re not going to have any more of that nonsense.
You’re doing extra community service, and you’re definitely
going to pay us back for all of the time and energy we’ve had
to put into this. Don’t you roll your eyes! And… you can forget
about going into any store without us being there. I hope
this teaches you a lesson!”

Beth’s reaction was predictable. “Oh, fine! Just fine! You guys
don’t understand anything. I hate you! You can #%&#%#,” and
with that she ran to her room slamming the door.
Let’s consider how Sarah’s parents delivered the very same
consequences:

“Oh… Sarah. This is really sad. We can’t even guess how awful
you must feel about this. We imagine you must be feeling
really scared.”
Sarah stared at the floor.
Her parents continued, “What sorts of things can you
do to go above and beyond what the judge has ordered? We

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mean… how can you show everyone how really sorry

you are?”
Sarah replied, “I don’t know.”
“We bet it’s really hard to think of things… especially
when you are feeling as bad as you are. There’s some good
news. We aren’t going to restrict you from shopping without
us forever. Do you think six months would be about right?”
Sarah reacted, “That’s way too long.”
“Maybe you’re right,” they replied. “Would it be better
if we made it only three months?”
“I guess so,” a relieved Sarah answered. “Thanks.”

Sincere Empathy Allows Their Problem to Remain Theirs

As people often say, “It’s all in the delivery.” Both parents loved
their girls, and both were deeply devoted to helping them learn
from their poor decision to shoplift. Both provided the same
consequences. Only one set delivered this discipline in a way
that allowed the problem to remain the child’s problem.
Beth’s parents immediately put her in fight or flight by raising
their voices and lecturing. Neurologically speaking, the parts
of her brain responsible for self-control, learning, and problem
solving shut down. All she could think about was protecting
herself by casting blame upon her parents.
With a sincere dose of empathy, prior to describing the conse-
quences, Sarah’s parents allowed the parts of her brain devoted to
self-control, learning, and cause and effect to function at high
levels. Because she was able to see that her parents cared for her
and were understanding of her plight, she was forced to own her
problem. Her parents were the “good guys”… which required
her to see her bad decision as the “bad guy.”
The effective teacher administers consequences with empathy
and understanding instead of anger, lectures, or sarcasm.

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I (Charles) watched the power of empathy being used on one

of the founders of Love and Logic, my father, Jim. It all began
when we decided to take an adult-only vacation together as a
family. As a grownup, have you ever traveled with your parents?
Fortunately, we’ve enjoyed a great relationship throughout the
years, so the trip was a joy.
As we left their house, my mother turned to my father and
asked politely, “Jim, do you really need to bring your laptop?”
With furrowed brow, he replied, “Well, I’m just going to do
a little work.”
She knew well enough to leave it alone. Much to her credit,
she didn’t say another word.
A week went by, and we had a wonderful time. Driving
home from the airport, my father’s eyes widened in horror, as he
asked, “Shirley, did you grab my laptop?”
“No, honey, I never had it,” she replied sweetly.
“You didn’t?” he grumbled with obvious annoyance. “Why
didn’t you grab it?”
I was so proud of her response! With sincere loving kindness…
without a hint of sarcasm… she empathized, “Oh, no… Jim…
I can’t imagine how upsetting that must be.”
In response to her loving reply, I saw a man of over seventy years
become nine, when he said, “Well… you don’t have to rub it in!”
Some questions for you:
• Did my mother “rub it in,” or was it her sincere empathy that
allowed my dad to experience the full brunt of his poor decision?
• Has anyone ever made you really mad… in the short
term… by being really kind and caring?
• Is it true that empathy forces us to face our poor decision
rather than finding it easy to blame the person providing it?
• Do any of us truly like to own the problems we create?
• Can we learn from our problems if we never own them?

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While upset in the short term, my father soon realized that there
was a good reason he’d married my mother back in 1956. “I’m sorry,
Shirley,” he admitted a couple miles later, “I guess I really blew it.”
She remained a class act! “That’s okay, Jim. I’m sure that
happens to a lot of people.”

Anger or Sarcasm Makes Their Problem Ours

In a strange way, it’s almost easier for us when people are nasty.
We find it easier to blame them for our misdeeds. If my mom
had replied with sarcasm, “Well, Jim, why’d you have to bring
that laptop in the first place?” would he have been off the hook…
and she on it?
Do you want your students to blame you for their poor decisions?
Or is it far better for everyone involved that they carry this weight?

Examples, Examples, Examples

Love and Logic is famous for offering practical techniques…
and plenty of examples, which help us learn. Examples help us
see how we might apply tools in our unique life situation.

SUSPENDED FOR FIGHTING

Marcus has been waiting in the outer office for his appointment
with Mr. Bukowski, one of the
How to Destroy the Teaching assistant principals at his high
Value of A Logical Consequence
school. He’s about to receive
• Say, “This will teach you a lesson.” a three-day suspension for
• Display anger or disgust. instigating a fistfight in the
• Explain the value of the consequence. cafeteria.
• Moralize or threaten. Is Mr. B. a Love and Logic
• Talk too much. guy? Let’s find out.
• Feel sorry and “give in.” “Okay, Marcus,” says Mr.
• Contrive a consequence for the Bukowski, “you know the rule
purpose of “getting even.”
about fighting here on campus.

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You’ve read the student conduct policy. You’ve signed it. Your
dad signed it as well. You know we don’t put up with that kind
of blatant disregard for the rules, and you knew before you
did it that it would earn you a three-day suspension, but you
did it anyway. I don’t want to see you on campus for the next
three days.”
Marcus retorts, “But you don’t understand. It’s not my fault.
That kid’s always in my face and my dad says I don’t have to put
up with it. Besides, you guys never do anything to him. How
come it’s always me, huh? This sucks!”
“I don’t want to hear it. You know the rules. You’re excused.”
There’s no sincere empathy here. Where there’s no empathy
there is no Love and Logic.
The odds are high that we can accurately predict what Marcus
does next. What happens to the door as he leaves? What happens
to the kids who are unlucky enough to be in his way as he exits
the school? What happens to the lockers as he goes down the hall?
What happens with spray paint outside of the school that night?
Whom does Marcus see as the problem? Is it his bad decision or
Mr. Bukowski’s?
Compare this scenario with a different assistant principal,
Mr. Katz, dealing with the same scenario:
“Wow… Marcus… this is so unfortunate. That kid must
have really gotten under your skin. Man… I can only wonder
if you found yourself in a jam, thinking, ‘If I fight him it’s a
three-day suspension, and if I don’t, he’s going to keep it up and
nobody around here will respect me.’ So… what are we looking
at here? Just because I care about you, do you think I can stand
in the way of the consequences?”
“Well, I guess not,” Marcus replied. “I guess I’m suspended…
but it’s not fair.”
“I bet you’re worried that Jeff is off the hook,” said Mr. Katz.
“Well…”

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“Not to worry, Marcus,” the principal empathized, “he’s on

the hook for three days as well. We’ll look forward to seeing
both of you on Monday. Let me know if you need some help
thinking of other ways to keep him off your back.”
Mr. Katz understands the power of sincere empathy. As a result,
is Marcus more likely to be angry… or more likely to be confused?
One principal’s actions brought out the worst in a student.
Another’s brought out the best. What was the secret to the second
one’s success? He preceded the consequence with sincere under-
standing and empathy, instead of anger, lectures, threats, or sarcasm.
Provide a strong and sincere dose of empathy
before delivering the consequences.
That’s Love and Logic!

LATE ASSIGNMENT

Teacher A:
“Wow, a late assignment. This has to be really disappointing
after all your hard work. Even though I can’t give you credit
toward your grade, I’d be glad to read it and let you know how
you did. Is there anything I can do to help you avoid this kind
of problem in the future?”
Teacher B:
“I can’t accept this assignment. You’ve missed the deadline. If
you want to get credit for these assignments you are going to
have to turn them in on time.”
Which teacher really used Love and Logic?

ENTERING THE CLASSROOM WITH AN ATTITUDE

Teacher A:
“You need to settle down. I don’t want you in here with
that attitude.”

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Teacher B: love and logic experiment:

“Oh, no. It looks like you’re Do We Have To Do This?
having a rough day. Is there student: “Do we have to do this
any way I can help?” assignment?”
Which teacher is seen teacher: “Only if you want credit
as the enemy? Which for it.”
is more likely to be seen as
an ally?

DRUGS IN YOUR LOCKER

Principal A says:
“The school resource officer found drugs in your locker. That’s
against district rules and that’s against the law. You are suspended
for the rest of the year, and I’m sure you’ll need to go to court
and explain it to the judge.”
Principal B says:
“Ohhhh… this is unfortunate. Drugs were found in your locker.
No matter how much we care for you, we can’t stand between
these facts and what the district policy says. The sad news is that
this brings with it a full year suspension… and you may have to
visit with a judge.”
A mistake can be a great teacher,
provided the student is allowed to experience
the consequences of the mistake.

CELL PHONE DISTRACTION

Teacher A frowns, then says:

“You need to put that cell phone away now. That’s distracting.”
Teacher B says with a smile:
“It must be great to be so popular. I can understand wanting to
text right now. Can you put that away so it doesn’t remain a

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distraction, or would it be better for you to give it to me until

the end of class? You decide.”

HASSLING EACH OTHER ON THE PLAYGROUND

Playground Monitor A whispers:

“It looks like you guys are really having a hard time. That happens
to a lot of people. I don’t want to see you get into trouble. There’s
a seat over there on the bench. We’ll try it again tomorrow.”
Playground Monitor B quips with sarcasm:
“Well… I guess it’s just too hard for you guys to get along.
Go sit on the bench and we’ll see if you can make better
choices tomorrow.”

love and logic experiment:

Playground Problems
student: (Other kids have been complaining that he causes problems on the
playground. Teacher does not know what to believe, but tends to believe
the complainers.)

teacher: “Jason, we are going to conduct a diagnostic experiment. That’s

where we diagnose the problem. I’m going to keep you off the playground
for five days. If the problem stops, what do you think I’ll think? If the problem
continues even without you being on the playground, what do you think
I’ll think?”
student: “But it’s not fair.”

teacher: “It’s not punishment. It’s an experiment.”

student: “But it’s not fair.”

teacher (with sincere empathy): “I bet it feels that way. Hang in there.”

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LATE TO SCHOOL

With genuine concern, Teacher A says:

“I was worried about you. I’m so glad you made it. Please let me
know if there is anything I can do to help.”
Lecturing, Teacher B says:
“Why can’t you get here on time?”

UNAUTHORIZED URL

Teacher A says:
“Videogaming.com is not on the list of URLs you can use in
class. You knew that already. You’re not using the computer until
I know that I can trust you, and you’re going to have to use
books to complete this assignment instead!”
Teacher B says:
“Ohhhh… bummer… that website, videogaming.com, is not on
the list of URLs for use in class. Even sadder is I’m not feeling
that I can trust you to use the computer right now. There are
some ways you can get this assignment accomplished by the end
of the period without going online. Please let me know if you
would like to hear about them.”
Learning from consequences is a struggle
that can cause pain. Surviving this struggle
is a great self-concept builder.

Empathy Doesn’t Always Come Naturally

If we were new to Love and Logic and reading this chapter we’d
probably be thinking, Yeah, right! This looks good on paper, but
how do you make it work with real kids in the real world?
We might even be like the parent in South Carolina who blurted
out during one of our trainings: “Ain’t natural! Ain’t natural to be so
nice to a young’un when they just done something that makes you so

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mad. I’ll tell you what I say. ‘I brought you into this world and I
can take you right out. When Momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody
gonna be happy!’”
While rather coarse in her delivery, her response rings with
truth. It’s not natural for most people to remain empathetic
when a student has just acted out. Many of us tend to default to
an angry, frustrated, threatening, sarcastic response. We do so
for three primary reasons.
First, many of us were raised by good parents and educated
by good teachers who typically responded to misbehavior with
anger, lectures, or threats. As such, we witnessed this behavior
thousands and thousands of times by the time we became adults.
As a result, it became deeply embedded in our subconscious
minds and serves as our “go-to” when kids make poor decisions
or misbehave. In the marrow of our bones, we find ourselves
believing that we must get angry, lecture, or issue threats so kids
will understand the seriousness of their misdeeds.
The second reason has to do with “mirror neurons.” Brain
research has documented the existence of specific neurons that
help us understand and actually experience… “mirror”… the
emotions of those around us. We’ve all experienced these neurons
in action. How do we feel when we’re around someone who’s
sad… or angry… or negative… or anxious… or even positive?
The answer is obvious. We find the emotions of others rubbing
off on us.
Ironically, these wonderful neurons that help us empathize with
the feelings of others also make it more difficult for us to empathize
with angry, negative, or sarcastic students. Their negativity often
infects us. Daily, we must ask ourselves two questions:
Who’s rubbing off on whom?
Are the emotions of my students infecting me, or is my
calmness, enthusiasm, and empathy inspiring them?

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The third reason empathy can be so difficult is that student

misbehavior can be really annoying. It’s that simple. Sometimes
students do really irritating things. It doesn’t mean that we don’t
love our students. We can love people and at the same time find
their behavior extremely taxing.
Sometimes it’s helpful to give yourself permission to say…
only to yourself… “I’m really having a challenging time liking
this kid.”
It’s okay to be human. Ironically, when we accept our own
feelings, it often enhances our ability to realize something essential:
The students we find the most difficult to like are those who
need our empathy the most.
Time and time again, we’ve heard teachers admit:

“I realized that I wasn’t the only one having difficulty liking

this student. This led me toward feeling genuine sadness
for him. In turn, I began to see him as a hurting person
rather than one intentionally bent on making my professional
life miserable.”

Making Empathy More Natural

We’ve had people come to us in tears, saying:

“I’m so relieved to know I don’t have to get angry when my

kids do something wrong. I was raised to believe that you
have to get stern and angry when kids misbehave. I grew up
seeing my teachers do this, too.”
“Wow! What a difference it makes using empathy, instead.”
“My problem is that… too frequently… anger or sarcasm
comes out of my mouth instead. I just can’t seem to do the
empathy consistently.”

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Often hearing this feedback, Dr. Cline and I (Jim) changed

our teacher training courses in the 1980s. We emphasized the
importance of empathy and the fact that our empathy must
come before we deliver consequences... not after. The educators
in our classes were also learning to use “brief empathetic state-
ments,” and they were encouraged to use just one that fit their
personality or culture. These included:

• How sad…
• Oh, man…
• This is so sad…
• Oh… this must be upsetting…
• What a bummer…

This was helping. The educators we trained were experiencing

more success demonstrating sincere empathy, but we were still
hearing some lament, “My empathetic statement sort of feels
phony sometimes,” or “I still can’t remember what to say when
the heat is on.” A few were even complaining, “It sounds good
in theory. It just doesn’t work in real life.”
In the face of this apparent setback, we were still witnessing
the great success enjoyed by thousands and thousands of Love and
Logic educators and parents. We wondered, “What’s missing in our
understanding of empathy? What can we do to help people more
consistently provide it in sincere ways?” We decided to continue our
observations of the most highly successful people.
I (Jim) observed a wise parent in West Virginia listening to
her kids as they came home from school. “Mom,” one of them
yelled, “that stupid bus driver gave us assigned seats and now we
can’t sit with our friends!”

“Ohhhhhhh,” she empathized in a truly sincere way.

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“Yeah, and we didn’t get to go out to recess because we forgot

to do our homework!”
“Ohhhhhhh. Give me a hug.”

I was quick to ask, “Do you just make that sound, ‘Ohhhhhh’
every time? Is that how you demonstrate empathy every time
your kids have a problem?”
“Sure do,” she replied. “I suppose I use it with my husband, too.”
Now I had a chance to do some real, professional in-depth research.
“Why?” I inquired.
“Well,” she said, “if I had to think even for a split second
about what to say, I’d already be into my angry mood. So, Jim, I
just keep that on the tip of my tongue so I don’t say stuff I’d be
sorry for later.”
Then she added, “My daddy taught me that if I make a sound
like that it changes how I feel right away. When I use that sound,
I start to see how my kids are feeling… rather than being so mad.”
Still, not being as smart as her daddy, I asked, “Well, isn’t it
redundant to say the same thing every time?”
“Well,” she reflected, “my daddy used to say that people are
starved for having others understand how they feel, and they don’t
care how it sounds when they try to do it. They’re just relieved.”

Using an Empathetic Sound

This wise country lady helped us solve the mystery about why
it was so difficult for some of our class participants to adopt
the empathy-then-consequence formula. From that day on we
began to experiment with offering the option of providing an
empathetic sound rather than statement. Of course, we suggest
choosing one that feels comfortable, calms you down, and
comes across as sincere. For many, success with empathy comes
when they keep this sound on the tip of the tongue. This way,
it comes out of their mouths before anything else.

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Using Delayed Consequences

“Dr. Fay,” she called out during the conference, “what do you do
when a student has just done something awful… something that
leaves you feeling psycho?”
I asked her to clarify. “So… can you give me an example?”
“She called me ‘fatso,’” she answered. “It wouldn’t have made
me so mad if I hadn’t felt so self-conscious about my weight
since junior high. I just wanted to strangle her… I mean… of
course I didn’t… but the thought was more than fleeting.”
I appreciated her honesty.
Is it true that some students search for our deepest insecurities and
hit these wounds with poison darts? How do we provide empathy
when a student has just placed themselves on our last nerve?
I replied, “So… the good news is that you didn’t strangle the
kid. What’d you do instead?”
She answered, “All I could think to say was, ‘I handle things
when I’m calm. We’ll talk about this later.’”
Are there times when it’s simply impossible, and even unwise,
to provide an immediate dose of empathy? Are there times when
the smartest thing we can do is delay the consequences?
“That sounds good. How did she react?” I inquired.
“She acted like she didn’t care,” she answered, “but I could see she
was irritated that I wasn’t trying to deal with the problem right then.”
When we delay consequences, does it give us time to calm down
and reflect on the appropriate course of action? Does it allow us
to consider how we might provide sincere empathy as we firmly
hold the student accountable for the problem they created?
By the way, what happened with this student? After the confer-
ence, this teacher described her intervention:

“I decided to go to her later that week and say, ‘I can’t even

imagine how bad you must feel about yourself to say some-
thing like that. I’m really feeling for you.’ She tried to act all

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tough, but I could see that I hit a nerve. Now she is doing
a lot of ‘community service’ at the school and even at home.
Anytime there’s a job to be done, she’s our go-to. I’m not sure
it will change her, but I think it’s been more effective than
clutching her around the throat and squeezing. As a teacher,
that never looks good on your résumé.”

Empathy Helps Us Stay Sane

In a broader sense, how does using empathy help us navigate
our challenging world with less stress? It allows us to experience,
truly feel, the fact that we must allow others to shoulder their
problems. We begin to realize that it is not our job… and
not even within our ability… to make others have happy and
responsible lives.
Our role is to take good care of ourselves in caring, unselfish
ways while allowing others to learn from the consequences of
their poor decisions.
Isn’t it freeing to see that you can remain the “good guy”
while allowing others’ poor decisions to remain the “bad guy”?

Remember…
When you don’t know what to do…
or you’re too angry to think straight,
delay the consequence. “I’m going
to have to do something about this.”

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Gaining Control
by Sharing It

The presentation was over, and here she came. “Jim, that was a good
presentation, but now I’ve got to go home and apologize to my
husband. I’ve been calling him a wimp. I’ve told him a dozen times to
have a little backbone when it comes to our kids, but he never listens.”
“Wow. Tell me about that,” I responded.
“Well, I just always assumed they behaved better for him than
they do for me because he’s a man. Now I know it has nothing to
do with that.”

Creating a “Savings Account” of Control

“He hardly ever lays down the law to them. He’s constantly giving
them choices. But now that I heard your presentation I realize
what he’s been doing. He’s a master of what you just taught the
group. You called it the savings account approach to control.”
“That’s right,” I answered her. “It’s all about making little deposits
in the form of small choices so that we can make withdrawals when
we really need to tell kids what to do.”
She nodded, and said, “Yes… and now that I think about it, I
see him doing it all the time. He’s constantly making little deposits,

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giving them tiny choices about things he doesn’t care about. Then
when he has to boss them around he makes a withdrawal from
that account. I saw him doing this last night with the kids during
their bedtime.”
She continued with a description of her husband’s wonderful
mastery of Love and Logic:
“Hey, guys. It’s bedroom time.” Then he asked, “Do you want
to walk to the bedroom on your own or have piggyback
rides tonight?”
“Piggyback rides!” they replied.
“Great! Here we go.”
Once they were in their room, he gave another choice. “Do
you want a story or no story?”
“Story, Daddy, story!”
After the story, the deposits continued: “Do you want the
light on or light off? Music on or music off? Covers on or
covers off? Will you be sleeping with your heads at the top
of the bed or the bottom? You decide. Kisses or no kisses?”
Preparing to leave the room, he said, “I love you guys… see
you in the morning.”

Taking Withdrawals from the Account

Like all wonderful young children, they began to whine, “But, Daddy,
we don’t want you to go. We want to be with you and Mommy.”
Because of the small deposits he’d repeatedly made, his account
was well funded. Now he was poised to take a withdrawal. “Wait
a minute, guys. Who has been making all the decisions here
tonight? You have. Now it’s my turn. Thanks for understanding.
I love you. Goodnight.”

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As “goodnight” rolled off his Dealing with Power Struggles

tongue, he exited their room. Power is a major issue between children
and adults. While still very young,
Make deposits with
some kids realize they don’t have
tiny choices. Save the big
much control over anything. A toddler
decisions for yourself.
unconsciously thinks, I’m the smallest.
The woman continued, They tell me what to do, and I don’t
“Jim, until you taught us about get to make decisions. I need to find
creating a savings account of a way to get some control. Then,
control, I had no idea what winning the power struggle becomes
he was doing. Now I realize all important — more than making
he never gives them choices good decisions.
about issues that affect us. He’s When we offer kids a choice instead
letting them make decisions of making a demand, no power
about things that only affect struggle ever begins. When we make
them, and each choice they a demand, we own the wise choice,
make is one more deposit into leaving the child with only one way to
his control account.” win the power struggle — by making
We either give kids control a foolish choice. Given a range of
on our terms, or they take it choices, a child has endless opportu-
on their terms. nities to choose wisely.
In this situation, Dad gave
away the control he didn’t
need. There was no need for him to control how his kids
went to their room, whether they had the light on or off,
whether or not they listened to music, or whether they slept
on top or under their blankets. These issues only affected
the kids.
Notice that he didn’t even try to control whether or not they
went to sleep. This is something he had no control over in the
first place. If that’s true, why not give it away as well. The only
control Dad needed was for the kids to go to bed, and that was
the only demand he made.

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The more control we give away, the easier it is to

take control when it becomes necessary.

Compare this dad’s method with a similar bedtime situation

in which the father tries to take one hundred percent of the
control. The children are left feeling that they have practically
none: “Okay, kids. It’s time to go to bed. Let’s do it now.”

When people feel a loss of control they will do

whatever it takes to get it back.

ARGUING

“But, Dad, it’s too early. We’re not tired. Why do we have to go
to bed when we’re not tired? Our friends don’t have to go to bed
this early! You’re treating us like babies!”

PASSIVE RESISTANCE

They make it look as if they are being cooperative, but they drag
their feet. All activity goes into slow motion.

PASSIVE AGGRESSION

They suddenly remember that the teacher told them to have

their parents test them on their spelling words. They have
personal issues that need to be discussed before they can go to
sleep. After their door is shut, they need water, the bathroom,
attention to nagging pains, etc. They may even wet their beds.
They complain about room temperature, strange noises, sibling
behaviors, etc. On a subconscious level, all of this is done to
make the parents “pay” for demanding control.

OUTRIGHT DEFIANCE

They refuse to stay in their bedroom, making constant trips to

their parents’ bed. The fighting required to get them back into

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their rooms is horrendous. When they become older children

and teens, they may even sneak out at night.

Much of this resistant, even aggressive behavior is done on an

automatic and subconscious level, and it serves to communicate:
“Okay, Dad. You can try to make us do it, but you can’t make us
do it your way! Now who’s in control?”
Control is like love.
The more control we give away, the more we get back.
The more control we try to take, the more we lose.

The Classroom: Sharing Control Within Limits

I (Jim) had visited her classroom several times and now my
question to Mrs. Porter was, “Why do these kids work harder
for you than they do for the other teachers?”
“I’m not sure,” she replied, “but I think it’s because I give
them a lot more choices. I’ll show you what I mean.”
She began her lesson by passing out a sheet of math problems.
Right away the kids groaned. “Twenty problems? That’s too many.
Why do we have to do so many?”
“Oh,” she answered, “you only have to do half of them today. And
since you’re only going to do half, why don’t you decide whether you
want to do the odd numbered ones or the even numbered ones?”
I watched those kids so busy trying to decide between the odd
and even ones that they seemed to have forgotten they didn’t want
to do any in the first place.
As Mrs. Porter passed by me she whispered, “I always give
them twice as many as I want them to do. It gives them a chance
to satisfy their control needs.”
Her students had no more than finished that assignment
when she passed out another sheet with twenty problems. “Oh,

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no,” they complained. “We already did one set of problems.

This is too much.”
“Not to worry,” she responded, “you don’t have to do all of
these either. I think only doing nine problems would be enough
to show me that you’ve learned this. And as long as you are only
doing nine… and you’ve already worked so hard… just pick out
the nine easiest ones.”
Now the kids were busy arguing with each other about
whether multiplying by four was easier than multiplying by
seven. They had already forgotten that they didn’t want to do
any of them.
“Isn’t that great?” she whispered to me. “It probably takes
more thinking for them to figure out which ones are easiest
than it does to do all of the problems. You see,” she said, “I’m
not looking for blind obedience. What I need from these kids is
cooperation. Before I learned how to share control in this way I
used to burn up a lot of my time and energy trying to get control.
The more I fought for control, the more the kids resisted. I used
to go home each night exhausted and disappointed.”
She added, “I also have an easy way to find out which concepts
the kids need help with. Periodically I give them the choice to leave
out two of the problems that are the most difficult. They’re satisfying
their subconscious control needs, and I don’t need to spend a lot of
time on a formal evaluation to get the same information. It saves
time and I can react to their instructional needs a lot faster.”
Mrs. Porter’s strategic use of small choices intrigued me.
So much so that I decided to talk with several of her students,
selecting those notorious for disliking school. “Hey, guys,” I
asked, “tell me about Mrs. Porter. You seem to like her. Why
is that?”
“She’s pretty cool,” they agreed. “She doesn’t yell at us and she’s
not bossy like some of the other teachers. And she lets us decide a
lot of things. It’s like she knows how hard it is to be a kid.”

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Jerome interjected, “She even lets us pick one homework

assignment every week that we can refuse to do. We get to have
an ‘A’ on that one.”
Maya interrupted, “Yeah… I’ve never had a teacher that did that!
I try to figure out which one is going to be the most challenging.
Sometimes I don’t guess right, but that’s cool. I think she might know
I’m doing that ’cause she usually comes and asks me if I need help.”
When I asked Mrs. Porter about letting them refuse to do one
homework assignment each week, she laughed and said, “Oh,
yeah. It’s true. What they don’t know is that I give one more
assignment each week than I used to. It’s like the retail stores that
raise their prices and then advertise big discounts. I just figured if
adults fall for that trick, kids would fall for it as well.”
Teachers gain the cooperation they need when they
give away the control they don’t need.
As a young parent, I (Charles) experienced something that
made me cringe. There we were sitting on a park bench watch-
ing our three-year-olds play. Marc was ours, and… we’ll call her
Jessie… belonged to some dear friends. We loved spending time
with them…. not their child… but them.
Jessie ran the home. As such, she also attempted to run the park,
the grocery store, the library, various restaurants, and any other places
she visited. As we sat, watching her fine-tune her fascist techniques
with other unsuspecting children, her father turned to me and asked,
“Have you seen the movie Titanic with Leonardo DiCaprio?”
I replied, “Yeah. I saw it. It was pretty good.”
Jessie’s mother piped up, “Do you think it would be appro-
priate for a three-year-old?”
I thought she was joking, as I replied, “Well… let’s see… there’s
extreme terror, some violence, lots of death… even a rather graphic
suicide… I guess it would pass.” (Please know I was being sarcastic.)
Dad was disappointed. “Oh… I guess we’ll stay home.”

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I agreed, “I wouldn’t recommend taking Jessie, but why don’t

you guys leave her with us sometime and have a date night?”
As these words came out of my mouth, I said to myself, What
were you thinking? They might actually take us up on the offer!
More or less in unison, Mom and Dad answered, “Oh… we
couldn’t do that. We asked her if it would be okay for us to do that,
but she said ‘no.’”
Ouch! It was at that precise moment that my opinion was
solidified: The concept of allowing children to make choices
may be the most dramatically misunderstood concept in all of
education and psychology.

Guidelines for Sharing Control Within Limits

Love and Logic is not a democracy. Our students… or our kids
at home… don’t get to vote on everything we do. Love and Logic
is more like a benevolent monarchy. We as parents and educators
have the ultimate say. Because kids need the safety of having
caring authority figures, we don’t hesitate to view ourselves as wise
and kind kings or queens.
Because we want children to enjoy plenty of opportunities
to make decisions and experience the positive and negative
consequences, we “gift” them many small opportunities to do
so. Because we know we gain control by sharing it, we “gift” bits
and pieces of it so that we gain more cooperation.
The key is remembering that the Love and Logic approach does
not advocate giving choices. It advocates giving choices within limits.
That’s why we provide the following guidelines for providing them:
For each choice, offer two options,
each of which will make you happy.
Jessie’s parents offered one option that would make them happy:
“You may stay with a sitter while Mommy and Daddy have a date,”
and another that wouldn’t: “We will stay home with you instead.”

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When we make this mistake, we shouldn’t be surprised when

the child chooses the option we don’t like.
Many teachers have found it easier to come up with effective
choices when they have some examples. The following list was
created by a group of educators attending one of our conferences.
These are merely examples. Use some if they fit, or create some
of your own. Most importantly, remember that each option you
provide should leave you happy.
Feel free to…
-put your desks in a circle or in rows.
-whisper or talk quietly.
-choose your own partner or have the teacher choose your partner.
-edit your assignment or have a partner do it.
-have lights on or off.
-have music on or off.
-type this assignment or write it neatly.
-write in print or cursive.
-use black ink or blue.
-turn in your homework at the beginning of class or at the end.
-use crayons or colored pencils.
-choose topic one, two, or three for your written assignment.
-read your book on the floor or in your seat.
-do your assignment standing or seated.
-play a group game or an individual game.
-do the assignment by acting it out, reading, or writing it.
-pick one homework assignment to refuse to do and still get credit for it.
-choose the order in which to do the lesson.
-choose a topic to study from several listed on the board.
-pass your papers forward or backward.
-have homework Monday through Wednesday or Wednesday through Friday.
-take the test on Friday or Monday.
-get your current events assignment from a newspaper, magazine, or the internet.
-go to the computer lab with the Monday group or the Friday group.
-turn your work in on time for full credit, or later for a lower grade.

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PROVIDE CHOICES WITHIN LIMITS PRIMARILY AS A PREVENTATIVE MEASURE

Most adults find it difficult to provide effective choices in the

face of a disruption. During these times, our brains tend to go
into fight or flight. As such, the only choices that come to mind
are threats: “Settle down or go to the principal’s office!”
Thinking of choices usually requires a calm mind. For
a teacher, that is usually when he is experiencing a high
level of cooperation. This is the time to make deposits into
the account.
I (Jim) met a teacher who provided a unique choice. On his
desk were two wire baskets. The label on one said, “Papers to
be graded this week.” The label on the other read, “Papers to be
graded during the summer.”
Upon seeing these baskets, his twelfth graders asked, “But if
we put papers in that other basket, how are we supposed to get
our grades in time to graduate?”
Having learned a great deal from teens, he smiled, shrugged
his shoulders, and mumbled, “I dunno.” Then he added, “I kind
of hope that the summer one will fill up.”
“What?! That’s nuts,” a perplexed student blurted.
“You see,” the teacher added, “I always miss students so much
when they graduate. If that basket fills up, then I get to have a
whole extra year with them.”
Even his students found a little humor in this one. One
even laughed, and said, “We think you’re okay, but not
that okay!”
PROVIDE CHOICES BEFORE RESISTANCE NOT AFTER

Consider the following scenario involving Zack, a consistently

defiant student. As you do, ask yourself, “Is this teacher really
using Love and Logic?”
“Zack,” said Mr. Jamison from across the room, “I’d like
you to partner up with Jerome on this project.”

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As usual, Zack blurted, “No way, man! I’m not working with
that dork. He messes up everything. Besides that, it’s a stupid
assignment in the first place.”
With his authority being challenged in front of the class, Mr.
Jamison decided to provide a choice. “Zack, would you rather
work with Jenny or Phil?”
“No way, man. If I can’t work with Tad, I’m not doing it at
all, and you can dock my grade for all I care.”
This situation has gone from bad to worse. Why?
First, Mr. Jamison gave Zack the stage by issuing a directive
from across the room.
Secondly, is it possible that Zack’s “control loss detector”
triggered major defiance as soon as he was told what to do?
Thirdly, is there any chance that offering a choice after Zack
became defiant emboldened his defiance? Might this be perceived
by such a student as a sign of weakness?
When we provide choices after a student has
become resistant, we reward their resistance.
Consider how another teacher might handle this scenario.
Knowing that Zack looks for opportunities to “grandstand”
in front of his classmates by arguing, Mrs. Lieberman casually
leans over and whispers in Zack’s ear, “Zack, would you rather
work on this project with Sydney or Jimbo?”
“I’ll do it with Tad.”
Still whispering, she asks, “What were the choices, Zack?”
“I still want to do it with Tad.”
“Zack,” she responds calmly, “do I usually let you choose
when I can?”
“I guess.”
Preparing to move away quickly, she answers, “Well, this
time I can’t, so how about humoring me? I’ll remember that you
like to work with Tad. Thanks, pal.”

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Does Mrs. Lieberman’s approach reduce the odds of chaos

erupting? By providing a choice before the student became resistant,
has she maintained her role as a powerful and caring authority
figure? If he doesn’t comply, can she delay the consequence and
deal with the issue when it’s convenient for her?

NEVER GIVE A CHILD A CHOICE THAT AFFECTS

THE WELFARE OF ANOTHER PERSON

Jessie’s parents, the couple who allowed their three-year-old

to determine whether or not they went on a date without her,
were the poster children for permissiveness. That’s because they
allowed their daughter to make major decisions that affected
the welfare of others. One definition of permissiveness is
allowing children to make decisions that affect the lives of
others. No parent with an iota of common sense would allow
their kids to make decisions about how the family money is
spent. That decision affects others. In contrast, wise parents
are quick to provide choices about how their children spend
their own money. If the child makes a good choice, they learn.
If they make a poor choice, they learn… without creating
hardship for anyone else.
Err on the side of smaller choices rather than larger ones.
Because control is such a deep-seated emotional need, each
choice, large or small, serves as a deposit into the account. A
choice about juice or milk with breakfast is just as valued to
the subconscious mind’s drive for control as a choice of greater
magnitude. A tiny choice about completing one worksheet first
versus another is valued to the subconscious mind as a much
larger one.
It’s not the size of the choices we provide,
it’s the frequency with which we provide tiny ones.

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Guidelines for Giving Choices

For each choice, give only Provide most of your

two options… each of choices when things are
which you like. going well.

Guidelines for Giving

Choices

If the child doesn’t choose Choices should be genuine…

within a few seconds, never coming across
choose for them. as threats.

Because of this, we should never feel obligated to offer bigger

choices potentially creating large problems down the road for
ourselves or others.
Dave Funk describes how a mom, attempting to provide too
broad of a choice, actually backed herself into a corner with her son.

Whenever I think of choices, I remember an incident that

happened at a local restaurant. After an especially difficult day,
I was comforting myself with some coffee and a piece of banana
cream pie when I noticed two women and a little boy enter.
They were seated in a booth across the room from me, and
I heard the mother say to the boy, “Pick out something to
eat.” I paid little attention beyond that point, other than to
note they looked like a happy threesome.
Soon, the waitress came over, and I overheard her ask the
boy what he wanted. As soon as the question was asked, he
said, “Sketty.” As soon as he said that, his mother said, “You

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are not getting spaghetti. You are getting a hot dog.” What I
saw next was a lesson in what happens when we provide too
large of a choice… and then try to narrow the options.
The mother had first given the boy too broad of a choice
for his age, suggesting that he “pick out something to eat.”
The boy complied. Then, the mother narrowed the limits to
zero choices. Whether she was aware of this or not, she was
saying, “Let the battle begin.”
The first thing I noticed was the boy controlling the direc-
tion of the adult conversation. Before the battle, the two
women had been engaged in pleasant talk. Now they were
both looking at the kid. The second thing I saw was the kid
controlling the color of his mother’s face. It was interesting to
see that change even through her heavy makeup.
I think the kid started to get high on this control, because
he continued on the offensive and found that he was able
to control the volume of his mother’s voice and the number
of words she produced: “Danny, quit that. Danny, eat your
food. Danny, you just wait until we get home. You are going
to get it, and I mean it!”
Then came the coup de grâce. I knew Danny had won when
there was clear evidence that he had finally controlled his mother’s
very intellect. She said, “Danny, if you don’t eat, I’m going to call
the manager!”

I thought, Oh, yeah, lady. What are you going to say to the
manager? My little boy is not eating, do something? The
mother lost a battle that never had to occur in the first place.

To be given control and then have it taken away produces

predictable results, whether with a kid at a restaurant, students
in a school, or citizens of a country. Once we have it and lose
it… we will fight to get it back.

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IF THE STUDENT DOESN’T CHOOSE QUICKLY, CHOOSE FOR THEM

Standing in line for an unusual amount of time at a McDonald’s
restaurant, our friend Dr. Foster Cline assumed his new foster
kids would have had plenty of time to decide what they would
order. He was a younger parent and a younger psychiatrist. He
was wrong.
They were racked with indecision. “Uh… I want a Happy
Mmm… no, no… a big fries… but… no.”
“I don’t want hamburger… what are you gonna get?”
“I don’t know… do they gots hotdogs? Where does it say
hotdogs… I don’t know…”
“Do they have root beer?”
Everyone in line behind them was fuming. So was Foster,
our typically kind and patient buddy.
Finally another customer… one unencumbered by excess
tact… yelled, “Good Lord. Order something for cryin’ out loud.
This is ridiculous!”
With that, Dr. Cline finally took charge. “I’m sorry,” he said
to everyone. Then he turned to the counter person, and said,
“Cancel those orders. They’ll have three salads and three waters.”
These kids were madder than cats in a bathtub. They ate their
meals with obvious attitudes and complained all the way home.
Knowing that any explanations, lectures, or attempts to console
would simply feed the fire, Foster didn’t say a word.
The following week they once again stopped at the same
McDonald’s for an after-church meal. When it was their turn
to order, the counter person had a different problem. “Hey,
guys. Slow down. Why are you talking so fast? Let’s take it one
at a time.”
The oldest of the three apologized, “Sorry, man. We got this
new foster dad, and if we don’t order fast, he gets us nasty stuff.”
Dr. Cline learned an important lesson about providing
choices: We do it on our terms not our kids’ terms.

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We give choices on our terms… not on the kids’ terms.

Mr. Gustafson, a much loved teacher in our area, made it
a yearly habit to train his students to make quick choices. He
explained his strategy:

“On the first or second day of school I’d always offer a choice
that was likely to create some debate among the group. It
often involved working on something individually or as a
group or deciding which of two projects the students believed
we should start with first.
“They always ended up debating and hemming and hawing.
After about five or ten seconds, I say, ‘This is so sad. I offer
choices like this when people can choose quickly.’ Then I’d
make the choice for them. Staying consistent with this guide-
line made the rest of the year go much more smoothly.”

AVOID GIVING “CHOICES” THAT ARE ACTUALLY THREATS

People who think they understand Love and Logic… but

really don’t… often fall into the habit of providing choices
such as these:

• “Settle down or go to the principal’s office.”

• “You can either stop doing that or lose points.”
• “You can make a choice to get to work or get a zero.”

Those better versed in the Love and Logic approach under-

stand that threats disguised as choices are still threats.

A Success Story
Chuck had never liked school, generally approaching his scholastic
responsibilities with the enthusiasm of a toddler served a plate of
stewed spinach. Nevertheless, there wasn’t a mean bone in his body.

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He just preferred drawing, painting, playing his guitar, and any-

thing else requiring an artistic bent.
Yep. Chuck appeared to be an easygoing dude, rarely getting
riled about anything. While his room, his hair, his desk at school,
and his academic transcript looked like a town after a tornado,
he remained unconcerned.
Chuck’s mother was wound tighter than a Timex watch. That
was her basic personality. Since she was an accomplished educator
with two graduate degrees, it drove her absolutely bonkers that he
wasn’t more organized and motivated to achieve. As such, she spent
massive amounts of time and energy attempting to help him adopt
a more orderly and concerned attitude. Unlike her son, she ran hot.
The more Chuck appeared to chill, the more heat his mother
radiated, attempting to micromanage his life. Her idea of giving
choices was, “Do it now or suffer the consequences.” Much to her
vexation, he accepted these consequences with his “no worries” attitude.

The Four Steps to Responsibility

1. Give a student the chance to act responsibly. Let a student decide, for
example, whether or not to bring his homework assignment in on time.
2. Hope and pray the student makes a mistake. This provides opportunities
for the student to have a “real world” learning experience. If the student
does not bring the homework assignment in on time, you can empathize,
“I’m sorry you didn’t get it here on time.” But you don’t offer any other
alternatives. Allow the student to suffer the consequences.
3. Stand back and allow consequences, accompanied by liberal doses of em-
pathy, to do the teaching. Students need to learn that their mistakes hurt
them. Empathy or sorrow reduces the chance that the student will spend
time thinking about anything but his/her own life and decisions instead of
focusing on anger or other emotional reactions of the adult.
4. Give the same task again. This sends the unstated message that you be-
lieve he or she is wise enough to learn from the mistake that was made.

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As middle school arrived, Mom had no inkling of the turmoil

bubbling just beneath her son’s laidback exterior. Doubling down
on his school issues, she created a well-organized system by which
she could monitor what he was assigned in each class. This also
allowed her to watch that he completed these assignments and
turned them in on time. All seemed right with the world. For a
solid month going on two, she policed his work and ensured that
it returned to school with him in his backpack. She even bought
him nice folders and affixed labels corresponding to each of his
class subjects.
Her phone rang. It was Ms. Rosemond, Chuck’s English
teacher. “Can you come down here for a meeting this week? I’m
concerned that Chuck might not pass my class.”
Three people sat around an uncomfortably small table: Mom,
Ms. Rosemond, and Chuck.
“What’s going on here?” Mom demanded in an accusatory
tone. “I’ve made sure he completed all of his papers, and I know
he’s been bringing them back to school. I check every morning
to see if they are in their folders!”
At a loss for words, Ms. Rosemond replied, “I’m so sorry.
I’m… not sure.” Turning to Chuck she inquired, “Chuck? I
haven’t seen any of those papers. Do you have any thoughts as
to how all of this can be?”
A long silence ensued. Then, facing his mother, Chuck answered,
“Mom, you can make me do those papers, but you can’t make me
hand them in.”
Apparently, Chuck was not as easygoing as he appeared.
Stuffed deep in his locker were weeks’ worth of completed
assignments. Stuffed deep in his heart had been years of frustration
over feeling bossed around.
Chuck’s loving mother immersed herself in the Love and
Logic approach. As she did, she learned about the science of
control and how she could begin to repair her relationship with

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her son by providing massive doses of small choices within limits.

She also learned that by trying to control her son’s life, she wasn’t
allowing him to make the mistakes required to realize that choices
matter… that the quality of his life would be directly impacted by
the quality of his choices.
As the two of these wonderful people learned about choices,
they also developed an appreciation for the fact that neither
could really control the other. What a relief it was for Mom to
accept the fact that her super fantastic son thrived on a bit of
chaos. It was also refreshing for him to see that his mother was
not the enemy… she was just someone who felt out of control
if things didn’t line up.
Years have passed, and Chuck is now a successful business
owner. We’re guessing he’s probably learned the hard way that a
bit of organization and concern is a good thing. What’s the best
part? He and his mother have a great relationship… one made
possible by her realization that everyone… down deep… has a
strong need for control.

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 CHAPTER SIX

Responding to Extremely
Disruptive Students

Mr. Kenneth
Mr. Kenneth embraced his school’s new positive climate initiative
with great enthusiasm. Knowing he was going to have a challenging
class, he’d made a list of all of the positive, preventative interventions
he could use. He was excited about the possibilities.
On a sheet of paper he wrote:
• Greet them at the door every day.
• Teach routines and procedures so they know what to expect.
• Get students with unique learning needs some additional help.
• Match instructional level with the needs of the student.
• Create a classroom community by ensuring that students engage
in cooperative learning and collaborative problem solving.
• Apply “How I Run my Love and Logic Classroom.”
• Share some control. Provide plenty of small choices over
issues that don’t matter much to me.
• Seating chart… identify which students need to be
placed where.
• Manage student behavior mostly with small interventions

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such as moving toward them, whispering questions, etc.

Do this to maintain the flow of instruction so there isn’t
much downtime while I’m teaching.
• Model empathy and respect so they will see… first hand…
the expectations for how they treat each other.
• It all comes down to relationships!

Mr. Kenneth’s list of positive, preventative strategies was

long, but he figured most of it was simple stuff that paid off big
time by saving tons of time and energy dealing with chronic
behavior problems.

Connor
Connor arrived at school with his own long list of interventions,
indelibly etched on his subconscious mind:

• Don’t let ’em get too close.

• Don’t let ’em love you.
• Don’t even let ’em try to like you.
• Stir things up between other kids.
• Never keep your hands to yourself.
• Keep adults off balance.
• They can’t hurt you if they’re busy putting out fires all around.
• Remain in control at all costs.
• Don’t let your guard down.
• Sit at the desk that squeaks and constantly make negative
comments.
• Refuse to do your work.
• Keep them fighting battles they can’t win.
• Don’t let ’em win.

There are many reasons why some students seem bent on

creating chaos in our classrooms. Some, like Connor, have been

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hurt. Trying to protect themselves, they compulsively attempt to

control every situation by acting out. Others have real neurological
or developmental disabilities that contribute to severe anxiety,
impulsivity, hyperactivity, anger, or learning problems. Still others
come from homes or neighborhoods where basic social, emotional,
or behavioral skills are not taught or reinforced.
Is it important to remember that there is great hope for all of
these students?

Connor and Mr. Kenneth Meet

Instinctively, Connor avoided Mr. Kenneth’s attempt to connect
with him at the door. Eyes darting to and fro, he appraised the
environment and located a seat providing strategic advantage and
some loose hardware for maximum squeaking and creaking. From
this location, he could diagnose the dynamics of the group, begin
to orchestrate minor conflict among his peers, and determine which
behaviors would most effectively bring his teacher to his knees.
For Connor, the first week to ten days was a learning process.
During such time, it was simply part of the plan to let adults have
their wonderful honeymoon period.
Mr. Kenneth was a tough nut to crack, mostly because he
seemed so bent on remaining positive. Determined to meet the
challenge, Connor began a pervasive campaign of chaos beginning
with multiple meanderings to the pencil sharpener. There were
few strategies more effective than wandering like a lost puppy with
broken pencil in hand. There were shins to be kicked, books to be
knocked, and trash to be talked.
love and logic experiment:
One could always respond to
This Is Boring!
any form of correction with an
student: “This is boring!”
innocent sounding, “How am
I supposed to get to work if my teacher (smiling): “If you think this
pencil is broke?” is boring now, just wait until 2 p.m.”

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By the second week of school, Connor was beginning to hit

his stride. He’d pulled a number of followers into his fold, and was
successfully creating a situation where Mr. Kenneth was spending
more time dealing with problems than delivering instruction.
Have you ever left school at the end of the day feeling incred-
ibly discouraged? Have you ever found yourself moaning, “I just
spent the entire day… and all of my energy… trying to get just
one or two kids to behave? And the students who were ready to
learn got nothing from me!”
Is it true that educators are seeing ever-increasing numbers of
students with overwhelmingly deep social and emotional needs?
Is it also true that we can conscientiously apply a wide range of
positive and preventative strategies and still find ourselves unable
to teach due to such students’ disruptive behavior?
Educators are seeing ever-increasing numbers of students
with overwhelmingly deep social and emotional needs.
By the third week of school, Mr. Kenneth was having difficulty
staying positive about his positive plan. Nevertheless, he was
committed to remaining a class act. Teaching his way over to
Connor, he briefly paused and whispered in the student’s ear,
“Connor, will you save that behavior for Mrs. Will’s class next
period? She really likes that stuff.”
Knowing tough kids, Mr. Kenneth knew that a little humor
could go a long way. Unfortunately, Connor was tougher than
the average grizzly bear. “That is so stupid!” he yelled. “That’s
not even funny!”
The room became so quiet it was deafening.
Completely lost for a response, Mr. Kenneth replied, “Well…
thanks for letting me know,” and moved away from Connor and
said, “Okay, class… on page nineteen, what did we just learn?”
Are there times when our only positive option in the moment
doesn’t feel like a very good one?

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What Are Our Options?

What’s a teacher do when nothing seems to be working and a
student (or students) remains so disruptive that he or she cannot
teach and the other students cannot learn?
Feeling a bit like a failure, Mr. Kenneth confided in the
principal, Dr. Lopez: “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve
worked hard on building a relationship with him… and all of
the things that usually work with difficult students. I even made
this list of positive techniques so I’d remain committed to doing
them. I mean… it’s just that nothing seems to be working, and I
can’t even teach the other students.”
Dr. Lopez replied, “So you’re doing everything on this list,
and it still isn’t working?”
“Yes,” Mr. Kenneth nodded. “I’ve even added a few more that
aren’t written on there. Like I said, these things usually work really
well, but not with this student. It’s like he’s immune to them.”
“That is discouraging,” Dr. Lopez agreed. “I know how hard
you work for these kids, and I know you really care. I guess one
option is to just try harder to reach him and not try so hard to
teach the kids who are ready to learn. What are your thoughts
on that?”
Eyes wide, Mr. Kenneth replied, “Uh… well… I can’t just
let the rest of the class suffer… I mean, I’ll do anything I can to
help Connor, but I can’t lose the rest of the class in the process.”
Dr. Lopez smiled, and then said, “That’s one of the things
that makes you such a fine teacher. You care so much about all
of the kids and you’ll bend over backwards trying to reach the
ones who most people simply give up on.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that,” Mr. Kenneth chuckled.
“What I’m getting at,” Dr. Lopez continued, “is that we have
to continue to do what we can to help Connor while setting it up
so that his behavior can’t interfere with the rights of his classmates
to feel safe and to learn.”

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A Tough… But Very Important… Decision to Make

In challenging situations such as these, our options are limited, but
the ones we choose to pursue will dramatically affect the welfare of
everyone involved… including ourselves. We can choose to:
A. do nothing and allow the disruptive student to hold our
classroom hostage.
B. spend all of our time and energy trying to cure the disruptive
student while ignoring the needs and rights of the rest of
the class.
C. work so hard trying to teach and to provide therapy for the
disruptive student that we become burnt out and cynical.
D. continue to help the disruptive student while also setting a
healthy limit: “I allow students to remain with the group
as long as they can do so without creating a problem.”

Short-Term Recovery: Maintaining the Learning Environment

Love and Logic teachers protect the flock. They maintain a calm and
productive learning environment by ensuring that no student is
allowed to interfere with the learning of others by remaining
chronically disruptive. They understand that allowing a student to
dominate the classroom is not good for that student… and definitely
isn’t good for anyone else. Therefore, they understand the following:

Sometimes a disruptive student simply needs to be

someplace else… temporarily.
Why?
So the rest of the class has an opportunity to learn and the
disrupting student has an opportunity to become calm.

Dr. Lopez handed Mr. Kenneth a booklet she’d received at a

recent Love and Logic conference. “I just learned something that
might help with this situation. Dr. Fay, at Love and Logic, calls it

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short-term recovery. He makes The Only Goal of

the point that sometimes the only Short-Term Recovery
option is to have the student Preserve the learning environment
go somewhere else. That is, so so that you can teach and the other
that we can teach and the other students can learn.
students can learn.”
“In-school suspension?” Mr. Kenneth asked.
“Oh, no,” said Dr. Lopez, “it’s not about punishing the student
or even trying to help them. It’s just about maintaining a healthy
learning environment so the rest of the class can learn.” Pointing
at page eight in the booklet she continued, “Check this out.
This gives an overview.”
Mr. Kenneth scanned the page.
Preserving the Classroom Learning Environment
When a student’s behavior is making it impossible
to teach, it might be necessary to ask them to spend
some time in another “recovery” location.

another seat or area in your classroom.

a seat in another teacher’s room.

These locations
might include:
a quiet place outside of the counselor’s office.

some other supervised and safe spot.

Send the student by whispering, “There’s a

Immediately walk
seat for you in _______. I want you back just
away from the student
as soon as you can be here without causing
and resume teaching.
any problems. I hope that’s soon. Thanks.”

When the student returns to Keep experimenting with

class, don’t embarrass them by new and creative ways of
making a “big deal” out of it. helping the students be more
successful in your classroom.

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“Wow, that’s quite a flow chart,” Mr. Kenneth replied.

“Yes,” Dr. Lopez laughed. “Dr. Fay admitted that. But I do
think it gives us some baseline ideas for how we might deal with
the current situation. What do you think?”
Taking another look at the page, Mr. Kenneth answered, “I
think the basic idea makes sense, but there seems to be a lot of
potential loose ends. Like… what if he refuses to leave? Or…
what if he likes to go and just acts out to leave class?”
Dr. Lopez answered, “That’s right. At the conference, Dr.
Fay gave us a number of potential answers to those loose ends.
He also encouraged us to consider all the details before putting
this plan into action. He calls it ‘plugging the holes before you
launch the boat.’ This current situation with Connor seems like
a great opportunity to experiment with this. If you’re interested,
we can do some brainstorming.”
Mr. Kenneth nodded, “Oh yes! The wonderful thing about Connor
is that he’s made me highly motivated to learn something new.”

Making a Plan
Success in implementing short-term recovery involves first
asking a variety of questions pertaining to how it applies in your
unique classroom and school. When the questions are asked,
potential solutions will follow.

When Should They Be Sent?

In the vast majority of cases, short-term recovery should not be
the first resort. A student is asked to go only after it’s clear that
other preventative techniques are not working. With this said,
it’s also essential that common sense be applied. Does it make
sense for a teacher to spend significant portions of time attempting
every preventative measure under the sun while failing to spend
much of any time teaching? Does it make any practical sense
for a student to believe they can’t be asked to leave unless their

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teacher has completed a long Short-Term Recovery

list of positive interventions? is not intended to…
Clearly the answer to these • be used as a first resort.
questions is “no.” • be done in a humiliating or
Educators who understand punitive fashion.
the Love and Logic approach • be used as a consequence
strive to strike a healthy balance designed to set students straight.
between meeting the needs • cure students’ emotional or
of each student and the needs behavioral problems.
of the overall group. Therefore, • make students do their papers
they do their best to help or other academic work.
misbehaving students remain
in class while at the same time remembering that their primary
responsibility is to teach the entire group. They strive to live each
day knowing they’ve done their best to help troubled students
while protecting the rights of those who arrived in class that day
ready to learn.

Should They be Sent for Refusing to Complete their Work?

No. We’ll repeat it. If a student is not completing their work but
isn’t making it difficult for others to do so, they should remain
with the class. Short-term recovery was never intended to be used
as a strategy for motivating underachieving or apathetic students.
In chapter nine, we’ll address this complex issue.
If a student is not completing their work and is creating
problems for others, that’s a different story. The student may
need to spend some time in recovery because of their disruptive
behavior… not because of their lack of motivation or failure to
complete assignments.

How Should Students Be Sent?

As we learned in chapter one, correcting students from across the
room is one of the surest ways to end up fighting endless power

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struggles. When we violate a student’s dignity by embarrassing

them in front of their peers, we shouldn’t be surprised when they
counter with a less-than-respectful behavior. Wise teachers gradually
teach their way toward misbehaving students, taking great care to
approach with a whisper and a question: “Are you going to be able
to settle down, or will you need to leave for a while? You decide.”
The split second “you decide” leaves their mouth, these
teachers move away from the misbehaving student and resume
teaching. An unstated, yet powerfully clear message is the result:

“I care so deeply about you that I don’t want to cause you any
embarrassment or humiliation. I also care about you enough
to set some limits. And… by the way… I can handle these
sorts of things without breaking a sweat.”

When the situation is handled with this type of finesse, students

often choose to remain with the group by improving their behavior.
This is always the desired result. However, when they don’t, it’s up to
the teacher to once again teach and move… teach and move… their
way back within whisper range, to say: “Oh… Mrs. Tomlinson has a
seat for you across the hall. That’s room 202. Come back as soon as
you can be here without causing a problem. I hope that’s soon. Thanks.”
Observers of Love and Logic teachers quickly see a pattern.
They see these teachers teaching while moving… teaching while
moving… teaching while moving. They see them teaching and
moving even up to the split second they briefly stop and whisper
something to a student. As soon as the whispering is over, they
immediately move away from the student and resume teaching…
as if nothing ever happened.

Where Can They Go?

The Love and Logic approach was inspired by the real needs and
practical limitations faced by classroom educators. Some schools

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have well-developed short-term recovery plans where specific

locations are set aside for students who need some “time away”
from the group. In many other schools, however, teachers find
themselves having to be a lot more creative and resourceful.
Over the years, educators have shared a wide variety of highly
creative options:

“I found that with my first graders, a beach umbrella works

really great. I have it set up in the back of the classroom. We
even painted a beach scene on the wall. Oftentimes I can
simply ask a student to ‘spend some time at the beach.’”
“Our school had no plan for recovery, but three of us in our
hall started helping each other… pretty much informally. If
I had a student who needed some recovery time, I could send
them next-door or across the hall to an empty seat in one of
those teachers’ classrooms. If they needed to send a student
my way, that was fine, too.”
“Our school counselor and our assistant principal helped us
out. They made some spots available where students could sit
and just cool their heels. The adults would just go on with
their paperwork or phone calls as the students just sat there.”
“Within our preschool, sometimes a little one would do recovery
by having to follow the director around the school as she
made her rounds. The director made it really dull for them
as they walked from spot to spot. As soon as they seemed a
bit calmer, she’d drop the child back at their classroom.”

The key requirements for an effective short-term recovery spot

are few but important. First, and most obviously, the location
should be supervised. This doesn’t mean the student receives
intensive one-on-one attention. It simply means there is an
adult nearby who’s aware of where the student is and what they

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are doing. We don’t recommend using the hall as a recovery spot.

I (Charles) learned this the hard way. I discovered, much to my
chagrin, that one of our students always managed to need some
hall time at the exact same moment his buddies did from nearby
classrooms. Why? We discovered them playing catch in the hall.
The three of them even brought their baseball gloves to school!
Secondly, and also rather obvious, is that the location should
not be exciting for the student. On occasion, some students find
too many friends in the classroom where they’ve been sent. One
teacher commented, “We had to stop sending one of ours across
the hall because her sister was in that class along with many of
her followers. Allowing her to have recovery in a room with a
class one grade level above solved this problem.”
The main office, where the hustle and bustle of daily activity is
taking place, is not typically a choice location for recovery. We’ve
seen many students turn this location into either a battlefield or
an opportunity to build exciting new relationships. If the main
office in your school is rather dull and uneventful… and you are
blessed with a wonderful Love and Logic style secretary… you
might give it a shot. If not, find another spot.

What Should They Do There?

Short-term recovery is not designed to be a punishment or a
consequence. It’s not intended to be an opportunity for students
to receive counseling or to solve problems. It’s not meant to
motivate students into completing their schoolwork.
Short-term recovery has only two goals:
#1. Maintain a calm learning environment so the rest of
the class can learn.
#2. Provide the disruptive student with an opportunity to
get calmed down.

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Too frequently, well-meaning educators shoot themselves

in the foot. They do so by turning recovery into a counseling,
problem-solving, or disciplinary session. When this happens,
the disruptive student is now receiving even more adult attention
as a result of misbehaving. Have you noticed how rewarding
this becomes for many challenging kids? Have you also noticed
how many of these challenging students relish the thought
of sparring with adults under such circumstances? Have you
also discovered how poorly discussions proceed when one or
more of the people involved are experiencing emotional fight
or flight?
Are there many students who’d rather engage in one-on-one
discussion than do their work? Do these kids learn to get incredibly
skilled at avoidance when they know this option is available?
One student put it well: “Talking about your problems sure
beats doing math.”
When they go to recovery, students are given the time and
space to recover. Adults provide minimum attention and save
discussions for calmer times. To be clear, this doesn’t mean that
students don’t receive counseling or other forms of effective help.
What it means is that wise adults provide this attention and
assistance at a later time.

One teacher commented, “We made the mistake of expecting

all students to complete a problem-solving form before they
could return to class from recovery. It wasn’t long before we
were discovering that this created more problems than it
solved. Students were missing a lot more class than necessary,
and we were spending crazy amounts of time trying to keep
track of forms and trying to make the kids complete them.
Things got way better when we decided to make recovery and
problem solving separate experiences.”

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How Long Should They Stay?

Short-term recovery is not in-school suspension or detention. Most
of the time, students remain just long enough to get themselves
back together mentally, emotionally, or behaviorally. That’s why we
call it short-term recovery. Highly effective Love and Logic teachers
make this clear as they are asking the student to leave:

“I want you back here as soon as possible. Come back as soon as

you can be here without causing a problem. I hope that’s soon.”

Of course there are times when a student may return when

they are not truly ready to be there without causing a problem.
When this occurs, there are a few options, depending upon the
specifics of the situation. The teacher may ask the student to
return to recovery and come back when they are completely sure
they are ready. The student may be assigned to recovery for the
remainder of the class period or even the school day. In rare cases,
the student may even be required to complete a plan before they
are allowed to return to class. This last option, as we discussed
above, should not be used with every instance of recovery and
should not involve the student receiving significant amounts of
involvement from adults. It should simply require some thinking
and work on the part of the student with perhaps a few brief
suggestions provided by a rather disinterested adult bystander:

“It’s a bummer that you can’t go back to class without

giving your teacher a plan. Well… I guess one idea is to sit
someplace where there’s not so much temptation to talk.”

Again, when a student is in recovery, even when it has to be

extended, there is great care and wisdom given toward using few
words and expecting the student to own and solve the problem.
In-depth problem solving, counseling, or therapeutic interven-

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tion can take place at another Consequences for Going

time… when it doesn’t allow to Short-Term Recovery?
kids to actively avoid partici- Teachers often ask, “Should I provide an
pation in class. additional consequence when a student
requires a trip to short-term recovery?
But… What If They Won’t Go? No.
Mr. Kenneth and Dr. Lopez Educators have enough to worry
spent nearly an hour after about without having to come up with
school, beginning to develop additional consequences.
a short-term recovery plan Most of the time better progress
they could use with Connor. is achieved when we ask the student,
Mr. Kenneth was beginning “What do you think you could do to help
to have some ideas about how yourself need fewer trips to recovery?
it might look, but he still had I’d really like to help. We miss you when
one major question: “What do you aren’t here.”
I do if he says something like, Chapter eight provides a process
‘You can’t make me leave,’ or for guiding students toward owning
if he just crosses his arms and and solving problems such as these.
refuses to go?”
Dr. Lopez smiled. “Based on what you’ve told me about
this student, it seems like the chances are high that something
like that will happen. At the conference, Dr. Fay suggested we
ought to hope and pray that a student gets really nasty and
refuses to leave.”
Now Mr. Kenneth was confused. “What? For what conceivable
reason would we want to do that?”
Dr. Lopez continued, “Dr. Fay gave us a plan for handling
this situation without breaking a sweat. When a teacher can
do this, it really gains them respect and admiration from their
students. I need to leave in about ten minutes. Would you like
to hear what he suggested?”
Mr. Kenneth’s astonished expression turned to a grin as he
replied, “I can do that!”

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“It’s Time”
The next morning, Mr. Kenneth awoke before his alarm. Driving
to school, he rehearsed his plan. “Step one,” he thought, “is to let
the teachers in my hallway know what might happen. Then I’ll
tell Dr. Lopez that the plan is a go. Then I’ll visit with the three
students. Let’s see… Hunter… Chloe… and… Jasmine. Yeah,
those three will do fine.”
Like every other day of the year, Mr. Kenneth stood at the
doorway of his classroom, greeting each and every student as
they entered. Connor slid by in his typical way doing everything
he could to avoid connecting. Plunking down at his desk, he
immediately turned to his neighbor, and said, “Man… do you
have any mirrors in your house?”
“What do you mean? What’s your problem?” the other
student replied.
“If you did,” Connor answered with a shove, “you’d know
how stupid you look.”
Laugher filled the area, most of it from students who knew that
if they weren’t laughing, they’d become the target of Connor’s abuse.
Mr. Kenneth whispered into Connor’s ear, “I allow students
to remain with the group as long as they can do so without
causing any problems. Thanks.” Remembering his discussion
with Dr. Lopez, he immediately moved away and started the
day: “Okay, guys, it’s great to see you! I bet you couldn’t wait to
get back here and learn some more algebra.”
Connor wasn’t thrilled by algebra, and he definitely was not
impressed with Mr. Kenneth’s “I allow students to remain with
the group…” comment. Now he was sliding one of the legs
of his desk ever so deliberately back and forth across the floor.
Screech… scratch… screech… scratch… screech… scratch.
The grin on Connor’s face as he performed this water torture
temporarily left Mr. Kenneth fantasizing about illegal behavior
management strategies.

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Mr. Kenneth quickly adjusted his own attitude and began

the lesson: “So… can anybody tell me what snowboarding and
algebraic equations have in common?”
Moving gradually in Connor’s direction, he scanned the
room for hands. “Yes… Trystan.”
Trystan answered, “They have to have good balance.”
“You got it!” Mr. Kenneth replied. “Equations need to be
balanced. Both sides of the equation need to be equal.”
Another hand shot up. Mr. Kenneth responded, “Yes, Hector.”
“Is that why they call them equations? Is it because the sides
have to equate?”
Mr. Kenneth was nearing his destination: Connor’s desk.
“Yes, Hector. That’s a really good observation.”
With empathy, Mr. Kenneth leaned toward Connor’s ear, and
whispered, “Oh, man… this is unfortunate. Mr. King has a seat
for you next-door. It’s room 109. Come back as soon as you can
be here without causing a problem. I hope that’s soon. Thanks.”
You guessed it. As soon as the word “Thanks” rolled off his
tongue, Mr. Kenneth moved away and resumed the lesson: “So
we see the problem on page nine, Y divided by nineteen equals
one hundred seventy-three. What’s the first step in…?”
“I’m not going! You can’t tell me what to do!” Connor was emphatic.
Mr. Kenneth provided an academy award-winning perfor-
mance. Acting calm as a cucumber, he moved toward his three
helpers: Hunter, Chloe, and Jasmine. “It’s time,” he said. “You
know what to do.”
“It’s time” meant that Hunter was to head quickly next-door
and then to the office, with the purpose of letting that teacher and
the administrative staff know that Mr. Kenneth had a “situation.”
“It’s time” meant that Chloe and Jasmine would be in charge
of leading the entire class to the emergency safe spot outside. Per
his plan with Dr. Lopez, an adult would meet them in the hall
to supervise the exodus.

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“Okay, class… line up.” Mr. Kenneth continued, “Just follow

Chloe and Jasmine.”

They Don’t Have to be an Actor When There’s no Audience

Sometimes the only option is to have a student removed while his or
her peers are still present. Nevertheless, the process typically unfolds
in a much calmer and safer manner when there’s no audience to
witness the event. Can you imagine being backed into a corner in
front of your peers? Can you imagine feeling that the only way you
can preserve your reputation is to come out scratching and clawing?
At the Love and Logic conference she attended, Dr. Lopez
learned the importance of removing the audience in these ex-
treme situations. She also learned that the students are far more
likely to leave peacefully with someone other than the teacher
they are working their hardest to defy. The teacher’s role in this
situation is to supervise the student until someone else arrives to
remove them. Their role is not to reason with the student or to
even say a word. Their role is also to stay out of the way if the
student refuses to remain in the room.

love and logic experiment:

Proactive Recovery
teacher: “I’ve noticed that you seem to have a hard time getting calmed down
right after changing activities and returning to my class. Do you think this is
a challenging time for you?”

student: “Uh… I guess. Everybody’s crowding and bumping into me in the hall.”

teacher: “If you feel that you need some time to calm down before coming in,
feel free to go to Ms. Jacob’s room before coming here. You won’t be in trouble…
just join us as soon as you can. I miss you when you’re not here.”

note: Ironically, teachers who’ve used this with a student almost universally
remark that the student doesn’t choose to put themselves in recovery… yet is
calmer and better behaved.

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Connor temporarily slid down in his chair. Watching the

class leave, a lightbulb formed over his head. “Hey,” he yelled,
“I’m going with them!”
Mr. Kenneth was prepared. Catching up with the class, he
proclaimed, “Change of plan. Let’s all head to the office.”
Like many pizza restaurants, florists, and the U.S. Postal System,
effective teachers are more than willing to deliver. By the time
Connor realized what had happened, he was just seconds from
Dr. Lopez’s office. Stepping into the hall, she whispered to Connor,
“It seems like you’re really having a hard day. I have a spot where
nobody will bother you.”

When Students Feed Off Each Other

Teachers often find themselves in the frustrating situation in which
more than one student is misbehaving. The teacher in this situation
finds him/herself unable to deal effectively with one child because
others are interrupting or supporting the misbehaving youngster.
Experiment with the following process for solving the problem:
Make a list of the students involved and prioritize the list.
Put the most compliant of the students at the top of the list and
the least compliant at the bottom.
Divide and conquer. Arrange with fellow teachers to provide a
seat in the rear of their classrooms so you can send the students,
one at a time, to these separate areas. You will need one room for
each student. These students will not be expected to participate
with the other class. Each goes with the understanding that
he/she may return to class when that will not result in any
form of disruption.
Meet with the principal to describe your solution and ask for
support. “I am doing this because I cannot allow these children
to disrupt the class. I don’t want to make a problem for you, so

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if any one of these children acts out in the temporary classroom,

I’d like him/her to come to you for a ‘cool-down’ period. Please
don’t feel a need to do anything other than allow the student to
cool down and then return to my class when ready.”
When the disruption starts, you have two options. If you are
able to move the group leader to another location, do so first.
Then say to the other students involved, “Do you guys think you
can get yourselves back together, or do I need to find another
place for you?”
If you question the ease with which you can remove the leader,
approach the most compliant student on your list and say, “That
is not acceptable. Mr. Sawyer has a place in his room for you until
you can get yourself back together. You may return when you
know you can be here without causing a problem. Thank you.”
As soon as this student leaves the room, go to the next most
compliant student on the list and say, “Mrs. Babcock is expecting
you in her room. You may return as soon as you can be here without
causing a problem. Thank you.”
Continue this process until you get to the last student (least
compliant) and say, “Now, do you think you can behave here, or
would you rather go to a different room until you can? Thank you.”
Of course, it’s often helpful to send another student to make
sure the individuals have gone to their assigned rooms.
Implement the One-Sentence Intervention. Review the steps for
this intervention beginning on page 64. Start noticing positive and
personal attributes, placing most of your emphasis on the students
playing the largest role in the problem. Mention them in private.
For example, “Jeremy, I noticed you are really interested in baseball
cards.” Do this a couple of times per week for three weeks.
Experiment with the following when this student starts to mis-
behave: “Jeremy, will you stop doing that, just for me? Thank you.”
Students who’ve bonded with their teacher are far more cooperative.

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Start having “heart to heart” talks with these students after

school. Meet with them one at a time. The idea here is not to
solve the problem all at once, but to plant some seeds in the
student’s mind:

Teacher: “Jeremy, I noticed that you’ve been having a hard time

behaving when you’re around your friends. Are you
aware that this makes it difficult for me to teach?”
Jeremy: “I guess.”
Teacher: “There are several reasons why this happens with some
kids. Sometimes it’s because they hate the teacher,
sometimes they’re afraid the work is too hard, sometimes
it’s because the kids are part of organized crime, some-
times it’s because things aren’t going well at home, and
sometimes it’s because the kids need friends so badly
that they’re willing to act out in class to be part of the
group. Does anything sound familiar to you?”
Jeremy: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Thanks for giving it some thought. I’ll see you.”

Continue the “heart to heart” talks until a better relationship

is developed.
If the student continues to act out, the following conversation
may be helpful:

Teacher: “Say, Jeremy, I didn’t see a great improvement in your

behavior today. Do you hate me?”
Jeremy: “No.”
Teacher: “Guess what it looks like to me.”
Jeremy: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “I’m thinking that either I have done something
terrible that you don’t want to tell me about, or you
need your friends so badly, you have to continue to

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act up just to look good to them. I’m wondering

if you’d be happier sitting in a different spot. What
are your thoughts?”

These steps often solve the problem. If they don’t, consider

reassigning one or more of these students. There are times when
the best solution is to break up the group. It never serves the
best interests of the child, the class, or the teacher for a group to
stay together when it has become dysfunctional. This is a time
when the teacher needs to set aside personal feelings of “not
wanting to give up” on the child or problem.
Although this solution involves the use of recovery and other
skills, it’s always essential to remember that the single most powerful
factor remains the quality of the relationship between the teacher
and the student.

Recovery: A Bandage not a Cure

Occasionally, we’ll hear, “Short-term recovery isn’t working.”
After inquiring, “Tell us more,” we usually hear some variation
on one or both of the following:

“The student keeps acting out. He isn’t learning anything

from recovery.”
“She likes going to recovery. She seems to get sent there on
purpose so she can avoid doing her work.”

As noted above, short-term recovery was never developed

to do anything other than allow educators to maintain a calm
learning environment when one or more disruptive students are
not responding to preventative interventions. While there are
certainly times when students do learn important lessons from
experiencing recovery, it was never developed for this purpose.
Short-term recovery is a bandage… not a cure.

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What does common sense love and logic experiment:

dictate when we’ve cut one of The Secret Signal
our fingers and it begins to If a student needs frequent trips to
bleed? Most of us would agree, recovery, experiment with creating a
“Put a bandage on it.” secret signal that only you and the
Let’s consider one possible student recognize.
outcome of this first aid: The This signal avoids embarrassing
finger begins to heal and all is the student while prompting them to
well with the world. Was the either calm down at their seat or go
healing mostly attributable to to a recovery setting.
the bandage, or was it most
likely due to the fact that the
cut was minor and there was no underlying infection?
Sometimes even the most skilled educators need a quick solution
for protecting their class from chronic disruptions. Since some
of the students they use recovery with aren’t troubled by deep
wounds or underlying social, emotional, or neurological illness,
they begin to need time away from the class less and less. Is this
because the bandage (i.e. recovery) cured them, or is it because
these students aren’t deeply wounded or ill in the first place?
Let’s consider a second possible outcome of bandaging our
wounded finger: After a few days, it begins to swell, throbs like
crazy, and oozes puss. Yuck! Was this state of affairs caused by
the bandage, or was it the result of a deeper wound with serious
infection? Should we see a doctor?
Sometimes students continue to act out, or even get worse,
after a highly loving, effective teacher uses short-term recovery.
Does this mean the bandage (i.e. recovery) caused the problem,
or is it because of deep wounds or serious illness? Does this child
need more help than even the most skilled teacher can provide?
The effectiveness of short-term recovery is determined by one
brief question: “Does it allow me to continue teaching the students
who are ready to learn?” If this is the case, recovery is working.

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Obviously, great educators never give up on kids. While they

may need to use short-term recovery with a student quite frequently,
they also collaborate with their team, other professionals, and the
child’s parents to identify hypotheses regarding why the student is
hurting so badly that they cannot be successful in the classroom.
You aren’t the doctor, but you can be a wonderful part of the
treatment team. Always remember there is hope for these students.
Always remind yourself that they need to have a relationship with
you as a calm and loving authority figure. This is only possible
when they see you’re strong enough to protect the flock in loving
ways. This will only happen when they see that their trips to
recovery don’t change the fact that they are truly loved and valued.
This means when the student returns from recovery, we smile instead
of frown, and don’t attempt to complicate matters by setting them
straight with extra consequences.

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 CHAPTER SEVEN

Managing Your Class…

Instead of
It Managing You

Mark’s Special Teacher

Mark was like Bigfoot. Few had actually gotten a good look at him
but many believed. The reason he was so rarely spotted was the
rapidity with which he moved about the school and classroom…
somewhat like an F-4 tornado spinning and kicking up dust in
its path. Suggesting that Mark had the hyperactivity, impulsivity,
and inattention of a child with true ADHD was like saying the
sinking of the Titanic was kind of a downer.
As a school psychologist, I was assigned to observe him as he
transitioned to a new classroom dedicated to meeting the needs of
such students. Ms. Matsuoka, or “Ms. M.” as her students referred
to her, was a master at working with the most hyperkinetic, least
self-controlled students. Because of her hard work and dedication
with such children, she was rewarded by the school district with a
classroom full of them.
There I sat with my behavior observation instrument and
sharpened number two pencil. The first thing I noticed was not
Mark, but how Ms. M. moved about the classroom as she rarely
missed a beat with her lesson. As Mark began to vibrate, she

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moved gracefully his way continuing to teach. Still delivering

instruction, her hand rested gently on his shoulder. His vibration
stopped. As soon as it did, she moved to another wiggling student,
pausing briefly and whispering to him, “Shaun, I’d like to hear
how your baseball game went on Saturday. Will you tell me about
it after class?” Shaun stopped wiggling.
I’m embarrassed to say that my observation of Mark was quite
poor. Ms. M.’s finesse was just too distracting. Moving from
Shaun, she ventured… always continuing to teach… toward two
students who were beginning to argue. Whispering with a smile,
she quickly asked, “Brenda, will you please go tell the janitor
about the heat? It feels warm in here. Come back quickly. Ramie,
I forgot to return the library books stacked on my desk. Will
you take them down and drop them in the return? Thanks.”
Both students jumped to their tasks, and Ms. M. continued her
lesson on adverbs.
Mark and Shaun were once again starting to vibrate. Ms. M.,
always on the move, headed their way. Leaning over, she quietly
said, “Guys, I’m really interested in how many positions you can
do your work in today. Feel free to do it standing up, sitting
down, one knee on the seat, or any other way that doesn’t
cause a problem for anyone else.” This bought her a few more
seconds of calm.
As I watched, I realized that Ms. M. wasn’t making much
of a big deal out of anything… other than constantly buying
herself a few more moments of teaching time.
Now she was on to Marcelle, who was sniffing his desk instead
of working. I bet you guessed it! She did so as she continued
to instruct. With a gentle pat on the back, she whispered, “Oh,
Marcelle, I just love having you in my class. Is there something I
can help you with? Come with me as we talk.” There was Marcelle,
following Ms. M. as she continued about the room, teaching
and buying herself more time to do it.

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“Ms. M., I don’t like this love and logic experiment:

writing stuff. It’s too hard,” I Can’t Do It!
he complained. student: “I can’t do it! It’s too hard.”
She empathized while
teacher: “Aren’t you glad I don’t
moving back toward his desk.
believe that?”
“It can be really challenging.
When I have a chance, you
can walk with me again, and I’ll give you some ideas about how
to get it done.”
As she moved away, Marcelle’s face told the entire story:
He had that happy and somewhat dazed look that only happens
when a student likes their teacher too much to create a stink.
Yes, Ms. M. was a master.

What Do Love and Logic Teachers Look Like?

If you’re looking for big-time excitement and riveting drama, don’t
watch a Love and Logic teacher. It’s simply not that exciting…
unless of course, you love seeing teachers who know the art and
science of maintaining order without spending much time on
heavy-duty discipline.
Many skilled Love and Logic teachers have been accused…
by their less-skilled peers… of being handed a classroom full
of “easy” students. Why? Because it often looks to the unsophis-
ticated eye like they aren’t doing much. It’s like the kids are
just behaving. Upon closer inspection, the wiser observer sees
that such educators have stacked the deck in favor of success
by consistently performing a number of rather small, yet
powerfully preventative interventions.

Successful classroom managers focus on prevention.

Less successful ones focus on detention.

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Laying the Foundation

If the foundation is weak, the house will fall. Sadly, some teachers
and schools are feeling so rushed to dive into the curriculum and
get students prepared for success on tests that they are skipping
the vital bedrock required for creating calm, high-achieving
school and classroom cultures. The word culture can be defined
as a group’s collectively agreed upon way of doing things. When
we have a culture, we do things in certain ways because we’ve
come to the conclusion that these ways are the best ways. We also
have a culture because we’ve practiced these ways so frequently
they’ve become automatic.
For example, good drivers have a culture of getting to and fro
in their automobiles. Since stopping at red lights and proceeding
at green ones leads to a smoother, safer, and more predictable
experience for everyone, stepping on the brake for red and on
the accelerator for green has become automatic. Again, this
“culture” requires that we have some agreed upon ways and have
practiced them toward the point of automaticity.
A classroom or school without a culture is like a busy city
filled with drivers holding different ideas about red lights versus
green ones… stop signs versus yield signs, turn lanes versus
through lanes, etc.

Build Positive Relationships

The foundation of all successful work with students involves
creating a classroom culture based on positive relationships.
This, without any doubt, is the Love and Logic way. We hope
that throughout this book you see how all aspects of Love and
Logic are designed to build… or at least maintain… positive
teacher-student relationships.
The first place to start when struggling with a difficult student
or class is to implement the one-sentence intervention discussed
in chapter three. Teachers are frequently amazed at how such a

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simple technique can have such a tremendous impact. A school

principal recently commented:

“Josh had been kicked out of three or four schools by the time
he ended up in our alternative school. Honestly, we were
all a bit concerned and were bracing ourselves for the worst.
During his first week with us, he practically burned through
my entire team of eighth grade teachers. We decided that all
of us would begin to reply with massive amounts of empathy
and find at least one unique and special thing we could
notice about him every day. That was six people noticing special
things about him every day! After a week, he went home
and told his mom that we were all crazy but it was the only
school he’d ever liked. I think this worked because he had
probably never before had teachers who noticed anything
other than his disruptiveness.”

Avoid Blow-ups and Battles of Learning and Work Completion

Many classroom disruptions begin when conscientious educators
attempt to make students do their work. Chapter nine is entirely
dedicated to addressing the subject of reaching unmotivated students.
Too frequently, conscientious educators resort to lectures or
threats when a student refuses to complete their work. Sadly, this
often results in power struggles and disruptions that interfere
with the flow of instruction and the maintenance of a calm, pro-
ductive classroom culture.
love and logic experiment:
Educators always enjoy greater
Lost Homework
success when they briefly
student: “I don’t have my homework.
whisper to the student,
“How can I help?” instead I lost it.”

of “You need to get to work” teacher: “That’s really sad, but the

or “If you don’t get to work, good news is that I’ll be happy to
then_________________.” accept it tomorrow for reduced credit.”

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Whispering “How can I help?” usually does not immediately

light a powerful motivational fire within the student. Nevertheless,
it does allow us to avoid battles that can end up sabotaging our
ability to manage the classroom. In chapter nine, you’ll see that
helping students get motivated to learn and complete work has
nothing to do with nagging, threatening, or providing consequences.
It has everything to do with meeting underlying emotional needs
that free the brain’s inborn drive to learn and achieve.

How We Do Things Here

Early in her career, Ms. M. also discovered that many of her students
were coming from homes where they were not learning the basic
behavioral skills essential for school success. Some had never learned
how to sit quietly in a chair, stand in line, wait, stop, or go. They
were a bit like U.S. drivers suddenly plunked in the middle of
London… where chaps drive on the other side of the road. Many
had never learned how to enter a group without yelling, “What’s
up?” Quite a few believed it was standard operating procedure,
and well within acceptable societal standards to announce their
need for a trip to the restroom by yelling, “I really got to take
a __________!” Still more believed that settling disputes with
fists rather than words was the best way. They weren’t bad kids.
They were kids who hadn’t yet learned the “culture” of school.
We used to emphasize the importance of teaching preschool,
kindergarten, and elementary students how to behave at school.
We used to suggest that educators of younger students spend
most of the first days… even month of school… working on
these behavioral and social skills before focusing on the academic
curriculum. Nowadays things are different. Now we urge educators
of all grade levels, including middle school, high school, and
even college, to never ever assume that their students have the
basic kindergarten skills required for success.
We realize this is not a novel concept confined to the Love

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and Logic approach. In fact, practically every good classroom

management book ever written has included some discussion of
teaching behavioral routines and procedures. The great work on
this subject by Harry Wong comes to mind. This is old-school
stuff. With that admitted, we can’t bring ourselves to skip at
least a brief discussion of the subject. Why? Simply because it’s
more relevant than ever and educators are feeling more pressure
to skip it so they can get further ahead in the academic curricula:
Bad idea. In reality, we position our students to be further ahead
academically when we spend less time on academics and more
time early in the year on behavior.
Over the years, Ms. M. developed a beginning of the year
planning strategy designed to help her remember what she called
“School Success Skills.” Just before school started every year,
she completed her worksheet. It reminded her to ask herself
three questions:
1. If I had perfectly behaved students, what would it look
like as they were doing the following?
• Entering and beginning class.
• Ending and leaving class.
• Transitioning to other activities.
• Walking in the hall.
• Solving problems related to forgotten, lost, or “stolen”
books, supplies, possessions, etc.
• Dealing with teasing or bullying.
• Asking to use the restroom.
• Sharpening pencils.
• Etc.
2. How can I teach these behaviors using direct instruction,
modeling, and plenty of practice?
3. How can I set and enforce limits that communicate the
importance of these behaviors?

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Ms. M. was dedicated to creating a culture of calmness in

her classroom but was sensitive to the fact that it was not her
role to expect her students to abandon how they operated once
they left school grounds. “How do we do things here?” was the
question she consistently asked her students. Other questions
she asked: “How do we ask to use the restroom here? How do
we solve problems with each other here? How do we get ready to
leave the classroom here? What tone and volume of voice do we
use here? How do we act when we are entering a room here?”

The First Minute or Two Will Make it or Break it

Great teachers like Ms. M. know their starting routine for each
and every day is like the wonderful signs we see when we enter
a new state. “Welcome to Kansas” or “Welcome to Maine” or
“You are entering Florida, the Sunshine State.” These indicate
that we are moving into a different place… where there might
be some different ways of doing things.
The State of Kansas trained me very quickly to abide by their
different highway “culture.”
Interstate 70 through Eastern Colorado is about as stimulating
as standing in line at your local motor vehicle department.
Fortunately, the speed limit is 75 miles per hour, so one has the
ongoing sense that “this too shall pass.” Numb from the tedium
of the drive, I failed to notice the sign indicating that we’d entered
Kansas. I also failed to note the reduction in speed limit from
75 to 70 MPH.
The state trooper was quite friendly as he handed me my
ticket. There were no lectures, threats, or anything else that
might damage my self-esteem. This made things even worse. At
least if he’d been nasty, I could have somehow blamed him for
the problem. Bummer. And… the matter wasn’t made any easier
by the innocent, yet annoying chatter coming out of the backseat
from our four-year-old: “What’s happening? What is going on?

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Mommy? Is Daddy gonna get put in jail? This is so sad, Daddy.

Daddy, didn’t you see the sign? Daddy… it’s okay. You have
some money… Daddy… Daddy.”
It was amazing how quickly this modified my behavior. I set
the cruise control at sixty-nine. A courteous and friendly guy…
concerned about my safety… completely changed my behavior
by enforcing one simple limit.
If this wonderful state trooper had not enforced the law, would
I have believed that Kansas was a different place from Colorado?
Have you ever known a teacher who failed to prove to his or her
students that their classroom was a different place than the hall,
the playground, the neighborhood, etc.? Have you known an
educator who consistently allowed their students to enter the
room out of control… and therefore trained his or her students
that out-of-control behavior was the culture of their room?

When a behavior is repeatedly performed in a certain context,

that context serves to cue that behavior.
When students are allowed to enter a classroom
acting out of control, the threshold of that classroom begins
to cue out-of-control behavior.

Highly effective teachers provide a welcome sign for the

classroom each and every day. This sign not only provides a
warm greeting but also gives their students a clear indication
that they are moving into a different place with a different
culture. Let’s see how Ms. M. handled this brief, yet supremely
important part of the day.

Greeting with the Elements of Human Bonding

A teacher is not a Love and Logic teacher if he or she does not
stand outside of their classroom door, greeting students at the
beginning of each and every class. Love and Logic educators

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also know the importance of providing eye contact, smiles, and

handshakes/high-fives. When we provide these fundamental
elements of human bonding, do we save ourselves a lot of headaches
later on? Did Ms. M. understand her students were less likely to
create problems if they felt emotionally connected to her?

Humor
Ms. M. also understood that caring humor and fun are essential
emotional needs. Because of this she’d often joke with her students
as she greeted them:

“Oh, it’s so good to see you! I was wondering if I should be

boring today or not boring. What do you think?”

“It’s great to see you. I noticed that your legs go all the way to
the ground today.”

“We missed you. I was wondering if you could give me a hard

time today so that I can work on my skills. What do you
think?” (She’d learned that students have a much harder
time hassling her when they’re asked to do so.)

A Simple Limit or Two

Ms. M. was famous among students for having a set-in-stone
limit about entering her room: “I allow students to come into
my classroom as soon as they are calm.” She had this limit for
two reasons:

• She understood that her students needed to see she was

dedicated to providing a calm and orderly experience.
• She knew if she allowed a wildly acting student to cross
the threshold, the context of her room would signal
wild behavior.

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Observing her greeting routine, I (Charles) was fortunate to

see her enforce this limit with Mark. Coming down the hall like
a puppy on pep pills, he encountered her at the door. “Hello,
Mark!” she greeted him with friendly enthusiasm and a bit of
volume. Quickly shifting gears, she leaned toward his ear and
quietly asked, “Oh… Mark… when do I allow students to enter
my room?”
Mark smiled. “When we are calm?” he questioned, quickly
transforming from a wiggling wonder to a comparatively calm
young man.
Producing a high-five, Ms. M. replied in an enthusiastic whisper,
“You got it… and it looks like you’re ready. Come on in.”
Ms. M., like that wonderful Kansas State Trooper, demonstrated
two things as students entered her “state.” The first being, “I’m glad
you’re here.” The second being, “I care about your safety.”

Productivity
Ms. M. also believed that the threshold of her classroom… like
the signs we often see on streets and highways… should indicate
“Work Zone Ahead.”
As students entered, they always encountered a brief review
assignment that could only be completed during the first five
minutes of class. Too many teachers wait for everyone to get
into the room before work begins. Wiser ones understand that
downtime at the beginning of class is the kiss of death.
Ms. M.’s beginning of class assignment was always rather
simple and easy for all students to complete. It was also worth
real points toward her students’ grades and couldn’t be made up
if missed due to lateness or failure to stay on task.

Predictability
We once met a teacher who indicated that most of what she
learned in order to become a successful classroom manager she

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A Remedy for Tardy Students

• Build a positive relationship so the student would rather be with you
than elsewhere.
• The first five minutes of class time should be devoted to a review that’s
worth real points.
• Greet each student as they enter, providing the elements of human bonding.
• When a student is tardy, replace reprimands, threats, consequences, and
punishment with a caring, concerned smile and the following statement:
“I am glad you are here. I was getting worried about you.”
• This is the way this should be handled even when the student is extremely late.
• Remember that the student is never allowed to make up the daily review
assignment regardless of the value of the excuse.
Kids who continue to have problems with being late are indicating that something
is going wrong in their lives and they need help solving the problem.

What doesn’t work?

• Lectures, threats, and warnings.
• Detention, suspension, or incarceration.
• Consequences or rewards.
• Taking kids and parents to court.

A school is not a prison.

learned at her local McDonald’s restaurant. “I noticed it was

always the same. The hamburger was always the same thinness,
it always had the same little onions on it, the ‘secret sauce’ still
tasted the same, the employees always asked the same questions
and dressed the same way.”
What’s the hallmark of all successful businesses? Predictabil-
ity. People experience a predictable and good product delivered
in the same way each and every time they come.
Predictability = Safety = Love

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Is it true that our world is spinning faster and less predictably

than ever before? As a result, are people… our students… drawn
ever more toward anything that gives them a sense of order and
safety? Ms. M. understood that doing the same thing at the
beginning of each and every class was not only a gift of love to her
students but also a gift to herself of fewer classroom hassles.

Little Things Make a Big Difference

Creating a calm and cooperative classroom culture sets the stage
for successful classroom management. Once this foundation
is formed, success involves doing a handful of very simple and
small things consistently… rather than attempting to move
mountains by constantly providing rewards or consequences.

KEEP YOUR HEAD ON A SWIVEL

As I watched Mark’s teacher, Ms. Matsuoka, I was reminded of a

neighbor of mine (Charles) who’d served in the Marines. Just about
every weekend, he’d meander over to our yard and start up a
conversation. “Situational awareness” was his thing. Such awareness
had kept him alive in the jungles of Vietnam, so he figured it was
worth keeping for a lifetime… and applying to every aspect of his
life. George had situational awareness about the dandelions and
moles in my yard and how they were sure to find their way into
his. He had situational awareness about the strange cars visiting
our row of mailboxes. He even had situational awareness about
one of my roof shingles that seemed to be losing its seal. He was
a great neighbor… as most potential problems got nipped in the
bud before they grew wings. His signature farewell was, “Well…
good talking to you. Keep your head on a swivel.”
Some might have called him paranoid. I called him smart.
Jacob Kounin, as a result of his pioneering research in the 1970s,
noticed something similar in highly effective classroom managers.
Like Ms. M., they had uncanny situational awareness. They kept

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their head on a swivel, constantly scanning the environment for

dandelions, moles, or loose shingles. Kounin and his colleagues
called it “with-it-ness.” As a result of this skill, master managers
are able to identify misbehavior and address it before it grows.
Less masterful classroom managers seem unaware of what’s truly
going on and fail to address problems until after they’ve become
significant and widespread.

NIP IT IN THE BUD

I’ve tried ignoring the weeds in my garden, but it’s never caused
them to retreat. Pretending they don’t exist has never stopped
their photosynthesis. They still create chlorophyll and grow.
Most of us have heard the adage: “Ignore it and it will go away.”
While it’s true that overreacting to small problems will often
make them worse, the same goes for completely ignoring them.
Ms. M.… and all of the great educators we’ve known… had
an uncanny ability to sense when problems were developing and
to address them before they grew. When I asked her about this,
she said more or less the very same thing I’d heard from scores
of other successful educators:

love and logic experiment:

The Problem Chair
teacher (with a calm whisper): “I have another chair for you right here. That
chair you’ve been using has always been a problem.”

student: “Geeze! I’m not doing anything wrong.”

teacher (with a friendly grin): “I know. It’s that chair. It’s not your fault. This
chair over by me is way better. Thanks.”

student: “This is so dumb. Why should I have to move?”

teacher (walking away): “I agree. I think the custodian should take that chair
out to the dumpster. It was a problem for a few students last year, too.”

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“I don’t wait until I’m sure there’s a problem. If I even get a

sense… even a small inkling… that a student is getting restless
or something is starting to happen… I find a way to get
myself over to that part of the room. Because I always teach
while walking, there’s no harm done if I’m wrong… which
often seems to be the case.”

What’s most likely true? Is it “A” or “B”?

A. Was she often wrong about disruptions beginning
to develop?
B. Was she often correct, but the incipient disruptions
were nipped in the bud because of her keen awareness
and proximity?

The only downside of preventing misbehavior is that we never

really know how much we’ve prevented.

USE QUICK AND EASY PREVENTATIVE INTERVENTIONS

True Love and Logic teachers challenge themselves each and every
day: “I wonder how long I can go without having to provide a
consequence for misbehavior?”
They don’t grasp this challenge because they’re permissive. No
way! They do so because they understand that highly effective
teachers prevent misbehavior while less effective ones constantly
react to it. They also do so because they understand the following:
• When I have to stop to provide a consequence, I am no
longer teaching.
• When I’m no longer teaching, other students get restless
and begin to act out.
• Besides, I don’t really have any consequences that will
scare my toughest students into behaving.

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In our observations of thousands of highly skilled classroom

managers, we’ve discovered they mostly rely on a variety of subtle
actions, all designed to redirect behavior while maintaining the
flow of instruction. We call these Quick and Easy Classroom
Interventions. Listed below are some examples:

•S  mile at the student and wink, sending a nonverbal message, “Please stop.”
•M  ove slowly toward the student, continuing to teach as you do.
• I f the student responds well to touch, briefly and gently rest your hand on
their shoulder as you teach.
•U  se humor by whispering in their ear, “Will you save that for your teacher
next hour? She likes that stuff.”
•C  onfuse the student by whispering something like, “Tell me about your
dog after class,” and immediately resume the lesson.
•S  lip a note to the student reading, “Just because I like you, should I allow
you to keep doing that?”
•A  sk the student to return some library books, talk to the custodian about
the heat, take an envelope to the office, etc.
• Whisper to the student, “I’m concerned that you may get in trouble. Please
walk with me as I teach.” The student can simply follow you for a while as
you work.
•A  sk the student to help you by emptying the pencil sharpener, erasing the
board, organizing books, etc.
•A  sk the student a question about the lesson that will help them feel good
about themselves.
•W  hisper with a smile, “Will you stop that… just for me?” Then quickly
return to the lesson after doing so.
•Q  uietly ask the student, “How can I help?”
•A  sk the student, “Is this the right time and place for that behavior? Will you
save that for recess (or after school)?”
•A  sk the student to move to another location, emphasizing that this is
intended to help them avoid getting into trouble.
• Whisper with empathy, “Oh… man… it looks like you’re having a hard day.
If you want to talk about it, let’s set a time.”

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Keep on Trucking
Does it ever seem as if there are just two types of parents in every
store? While this question may seem to have nothing to do with
classroom behavior management, we think you’ll begin to see
its relevance.
Let’s first consider Parent “A” who’s just walked into the Family
Interaction Research Lab (Walmart) with their four-year-old.

Little Louie (whining like a loose fan belt): “What do I get if

I’m good?”
Mother: “If you’re really good I’ll get you an ice cream cone.”
Louie (throwing himself on the floor): “I don’t want ice cream!
I want a toy. It’s been so long since I got anything new!”
Mother (kneeling on one knee, attempting to make some eye
contact): “You already have so many toys. I’ll get you
a Coke. You can have a Coke if you are really good.”
Louie (still writhing on the floor): “A toy! I want a toy!”
Mother (now on both knees)

Who is leading whom? Who’s training whom?

Let’s now consider Parent “B” who is two aisles away and
moving near the speed of light toward the dairy section.

Little Les (working hard to keep up with his dear mother):

“What do I get if I’m good?”
Mother (rounding the end cap toward the milk): “A happy life.”
Les (throwing himself on the floor): “But I want a…”
Mother (giving Les’s protest zero airtime and roaring toward
the produce aisle): “Try to keep up, and try not to
get lost. It’s always a better day when I get out of the
store with the same number of kids I brought in.”

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Preventing and Minimizing Classroom Disruptions

When you think a student

(or students) may be on the Move toward them.
verge of acting up…

But keep teaching as you do.

If they don’t, experiment

with something like:
Resting your hand gently on
If they behave,
their shoulder.
move away from them.
Or…
Asking, “Will you save that
for Mrs. Reyes’s class next
period?”
Or…
Sending them on a quick
errand.

Remember to immediately
resume teaching as you briefly Save consequences for the
apply these very small and “big stuff.”
very quick “interventions.”

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Who’s setting the tone? Who’s leading whom?

Who’s in charge here?
As noted above, one of the primary behaviors of educators who
struggle with classroom management is that they stop too frequently
and for too long. Sometimes they stop to provide a reward. Sometimes
they stop to have a far too lengthy discussion with a student about his
or her behavior. Sometimes they stop to place a student’s name on
the board… or to take away points… or to perform some other duty
required by the “classroom management” approach they are using.
Under these circumstances, who is leading whom? Who is
training whom? Who’s really in charge?
If students can get us to stop teaching,
they will always get us to stop teaching.
In contrast, highly successful classroom managers apply quick
and easy preventative interventions. As they go about each
lesson, they continually remind themselves, “Keep on trucking.”
Throughout the pages of this book you’ve already seen the theme:

Teachers continue the lesson as they calmly approach the

student. They whisper something to the student, immediately
resume teaching and move toward another area of the classroom.
In most cases they stop for no longer than ten to fifteen seconds.

SAVE THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE BIG STUFF

A central tenet of many classroom management systems is the idea

that every instance of misbehavior should receive an immediate
consequence. The educators who suffer most are those who conscien-
tiously attempt to meet this unrealistic and overwhelming demand.
One teacher described how she gradually came to realize that
trying to provide consequences for everything was creating more
chaos than good:

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“I was taught in my behavior management classes that I

had to provide a logical consequence every time a student
misbehaved. As a young teacher I was ready and willing
to meet this challenge. I’d carefully created a poster-sized
chart with each student’s name on it. Each day they started
with a certain number of points. They could earn more
points by doing positive things, and they could lose points
for acting out or refusing to do their work. They could
even use their points at the end of the week to earn special
privileges or treats. I even laminated the chart. B.F. Skinner
would have been proud.

“It soon became evident that there wasn’t enough time in the
day to both teach and to implement my behavior management
system. Besides, it seemed as if many of my most challenging
students constantly argued with me about their points or didn’t
care about the consequences or rewards they received. Something
had to give!
“Instead of entirely giving up on the idea of providing conse-
quences for every infraction, I set aside my point system and tried a
more informal strategy. Each time a student acted up, I went to them
and discussed what they might do to repay me for their poor choice.
I even encouraged them to solve the problem rather than having me
do something about their behavior. I thought I was using Love and
Logic. As a result, I even badmouthed the approach to some of my
peers, complaining that I still wasn’t getting any teaching done.
“My true transformation began when I attended a 9 Essential
Skills for the Love and Logic Classroom training provided by our
counselor. I still remember Jim Fay’s words:

‘Save the consequences for the big stuff.

Use Quick and Easy Classroom Interventions
for the little stuff.’

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“Now I feel a lot freer to teach without having to make every

problem a capital offense. The strange thing is, now that I’m not
so worried about providing consequences for everything, my
students are actually better behaved!”

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 CHAPTER EIGHT

Guiding Kids
to Own and Solve
Their Problems

It was the first day of our annual summer conference. I (Jim)

stood at the door greeting the attendees. She shook my hand
and said, “Hi, Jim, I’m Sally Ogden. I’ve been teaching for a
while, and you know the sad thing? I graduated from college
with a degree in education and no skills on how to manage
the classroom!”
I was surprised by her candor. “The great thing about this
conference,” I replied, “is that everybody leaves at the end with
lots of new classroom management experiments. When you start
to hear them, you might even begin looking forward to the new
school year… so you can try them out.”
She grimaced, “Oh, I hope so. The stress has been horrible.
I’m feeling like toast… so burned out. The crazy thing… the
hardest thing… is that I was named Colorado Teacher of the
Year, and I’m embarrassed that I have so few skills on dealing
with discipline problems with my students.”
I was at a loss for words.
Sally continued, “The truth is, Jim, I’ve heard great things
about you. I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but I’m relying

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on this conference to keep me from becoming so burned out

that I have to change careers!”
I probably stammered something intelligent like, “Well…
uh… no pressure… uh.”
“I am hoping you can give me some new attitudes and techniques
so I can teach for many more years, and have fun doing it.” She
shared, “I want to feel excited about it again… to keep the spirit.”
I saw Sally several times during the conference and she
seemed to be enjoying the presentations. She was a great student,
asking quite a few in-depth questions and frequently putting me on
the spot with, “But what do you do when a kid says ___________?”

A Grimace Turned to a Smile

I saw Sally a year later. The slight grimace she wore the summer
before was replaced by a relaxed, confident smile. “Jim, I’ve got
to tell you! Teaching is fun again. I’ve had a blast this year!”
“Wow, Sally! What brought that on?”
“Jim, I did what you told me to do. I picked my favorite
technique from last year’s conference and I ran an experiment…
and this is going to make you laugh.”
“So which technique was it?” I inquired. “And what’s so funny?”
“Oh, I chose that one called Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their
Problems. I teach middle school. There’s always a huge amount of
drama, and the kids are always looking to me to solve all of their woes.
I’d try to help, but no matter what suggestions I gave them, they’d
roll their eyes and say, ‘like that
love and logic experiment:
won’t work’ or ‘that’s lame.’ No
Eye Rolling
matter how hard I worked, I
student: Rolls their eyes at something
always felt like a failure.”
the teacher says. “Have you landed your
teacher (smiles, pauses, and speaks helicopter?” I asked jokingly.
dramatically): “Can you see your “No… it crashed,” she
brains when you do that?” laughed. “I had to find a

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different form of transportation. love and logic experiment:

Hovering over the kids and I’m Gifted!
trying to rescue them from all student: “I shouldn’t have to memorize
of their problems was the all this stuff. It’s irrelevant, because
source of my burn-out. Anyway, I’m gifted.”
Jim, I had this eighth grade
teacher (with a grin): “Nice try…”
French class. Every Thursday
we had an exercise that the
kids called ‘Room Objects Day.’ Each would pick a partner and
go around the room speaking in French, pointing out various
objects, and asking each other to name them.”
“So they’d take turns asking and answering in French?”
I asked.
She nodded, “You got it. This rather socially challenged little
guy named Winston always headed my way, whining that he
didn’t have a partner. In the past I’d try to rescue by finding him
one. Then he’d whine even more about the person I found. The
saga was as predictable as night and day, and it always burned
up a huge amount of my time and energy. It became a weekly
exercise in futility.”
“This sounds so familiar,” I interrupted. “It seems like every
time we rescue someone from a problem they are capable of
solving, they’re never happy with the quality of our rescue. Then
we’re the bad guy. It’s like, the more we try to be the hero, the
more we end up being the villain.”
“I think that’s right, Jim. That’s why I was always feeling worn
out. Anyway, I decided to experiment with Guiding Kids to Own
and Solve Their Problems. The next time he pursued me com-
plaining he didn’t have a partner, I surprised him by empathizing,
‘That’s such a bummer. Wow, that’s hard.’ Then I asked, ‘Winston,
what do you think you’re going to do?’”
The rest of their conversation…

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Winston (shrugging his shoulders and studying his shoes):

“I dunno.”
Sally: “Would you like to hear what some other kids have
tried in situations like this?”
Winston: “Guess so.”
Sally: “Well… some kids just sit down and don’t do anything.
How would that work for you?”

Sally told me, “At that moment, I got the surprise of my life. My
teaching world turned upside down. A major paradigm shift hit me.
He answered, ‘But, Mrs. Ogden, how am I supposed to learn
anything?’ That was the moment I realized something: All along I’d
held the belief that kids really didn’t want to learn, and that it was
my job to make them do so. Winston just proved me wrong. What a
paradigm shift! This hit me so hard that I must have just stared at him.”

Winston (bringing Sally back to earth): “But what else? But

what else? What am I supposed to do?”
Sally: “Oh, I don’t know. I guess some kids might find a
twosome and make it into a threesome. How do you
think that might work?”
Winston “We wouldn’t get as many chances, so we wouldn’t
learn as much. What else?”
Sally: “Gee, I don’t know. I guess some kids would do it
themselves. They would ask the question and then
answer the question.”
Winston “That’s all you have?”
Sally (with empathy): “I guess so. I’ve run out of ideas.”
Winston (walking away and muttering to himself ): ‘That’s
stupid… won’t work.”

Sally confessed, “Jim, that was my first experiment with

Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their Problems, and I didn’t like

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how it left me feeling. I felt like I was letting Winston down

right at a time when he needed me. I’d always believed it was a
teacher’s job to solve problems for kids, even though I’d heard
you say that teaching kids to solve problems involves a higher
level of love. The only thing that kept me from telling Winston
how to solve his problem right on the spot was a statement you
made during last summer’s conference. You said, ‘When we
solve a problem a child is capable of solving, we meet our needs.
When we guide them to own and solve these problems, we
meet theirs.’”
I nodded, “That’s right. When we solve problems for others
it feels good. There’s nothing wrong with that… except when we
become more concerned with feeling good than helping kids see
that they are capable.”
Sally went on to say that five minutes later, Winston was
going around the room, pointing at room objects asking himself,
“Qu’est que c’est?” and answering himself, “C’est une lumière…
C’est un bureau…” 
She continued, “I couldn’t believe it! If I’d told him to do
something like that, he’d never have done it. Somehow suggesting,
‘Some students decide to’ made all the difference in the world.”
“Nobody likes to be told what to do,” I agreed. “It’s always
more effective to use, ‘Some students decide to’ or ‘Some people
decide to.’”
“I haven’t told you the best part, Jim!”
Sally described what happened the following week during
their room objects activity:

Winston (approaching Mrs. Ogden with a forlorn, “lost puppy”

look): “Guess what, Mrs. Ogden?”
Sally (doing her best to be empathetic): “Oh, I bet you don’t
have a partner. That’s a real bummer. What do you
think you are going to do?”

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Winston: “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know
what I’m not going to do… not doing twice as
much work like last time!”

Doesn’t that sound like a typical eighth grade kid who hates
the fact that he had to do more work than any of the others?
Needless to say, Sally was hooked on Love and Logic.
Let’s take a closer look at the process used by Mrs. Ogden
with Winston.

Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their Problems

Step One: Provide a sincere dose of empathy.
As we know, empathy opens the heart and the mind to learning.

Step Two: Ask, “What do you think you are going to do?”
Asking this question gently, yet firmly, places the problem on their
shoulders to solve. It also sends a powerful unstated message of
confidence: “I believe in you! I know you have what it takes to
overcome this challenge.”
Very rarely… if ever… do kids respond to this question by
describing some wise strategy for solving their problem. More often,
they react by shrugging their shoulders and mumbling, “I don’t
know.” Some students even reply, “I’m telling you. That’s what I’m
doing to solve this.” Obviously, this is a telltale sign that the student
in question has spent most of their life around adults who rescue.

Step Three: Ask, “Would you like to hear what some

students have tried?”
As Sally Ogden discovered with Winston, students are far more
likely to listen when we describe what “some other students” have
tried, rather than telling them what they could or should do.
“Would you like to hear what some students have tried?” is a
sincere question. If the student says “no” we respect their desire.

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Of course, we leave the door open by replying, “If you change

your mind, please let me know.”
If the student replies in the affirmative, move to step four.

Step Four: Provide two or three options, after each one,

asking, “How will that work for you?”
“Easier said than done!” commented one rather blunt educator.
“When a kid says ‘yes,’ I usually can’t think of a single thing to suggest.”
When this happens, it’s perfectly fine… in fact, great… if we
admit it to the student: “I’m going to have to give some more
thought to this. What if I think about it and you think about it,
and we visit tomorrow?” Obviously, this buys us time to think
and to visit with others for ideas. There’s another benefit: By the
time tomorrow rolls around, we often discover that the child has
either already solved the problem or decided it wasn’t a problem
to begin with.”
Some educators decide to develop a readymade list of possible
options for solving the problems students bring to them most frequently.
Common problems students bring my way:
-“You didn’t explain it.” (The student lacks information
because they were either physically or mentally absent
when you provided it.)
-“I don’t have a pencil.” (Or book, laptop, tablet, paper, etc.)
-“He called me a ________________.”
-“You need to give me another chance. I need to pass this
class!” (Upset about their grade.)
-“Nobody likes me.”
- The student has caused a problem for others and now
needs to solve it.

After creating a list like the one above, some teachers decide
to brainstorm with their friends two or three possible options

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they can give students each time these “high frequency” issues
come up. Before this chapter ends, we’ll give you a few quick ones.
It’s also important to remember it’s not our job to provide
brilliant options. Our role is not to solve the problem, it’s to
help the student see a process for solving the problem. We want
kids to realize that problems are most effectively solved through
a process of brainstorming, evaluating the potential merits of
possible remedies, and experimentation. We don’t want them
to believe that solving problems is reliant on one being brilliant
enough to conjure up quick and magical fixes. Those who believe
in the former are likely to persevere. Those who adhere to the
latter quickly give up when difficulties arise.
Love and Logic is all about helping young people develop
a healthy understanding of cause and effect. I (Charles) want
kids to have enough of this precious commodity between their
ears, that when they are teens or adults, they don’t need warning
labels on their coffee to know something tragic might happen
if they drive around town holding a scalding beverage between
their legs. Is it just me, or does it also seem to you that fewer and
fewer people have the basic notion that 1 + 2 might equal 3?
One of the ways we help students develop this mental,
cause-and-effect math is by asking, “How will that work for
you?” after providing each option:
Some students decide to_______________. How will that
work for you?
Others decide to______________________. How will
that work for you?
Wise Love and Logic parents and educators are so deeply
devoted to the concept of helping children develop cause and
effect that they usually provide a rather lousy option first. This
provides practice for the prefrontal, “What might happen if I
____________?” cortex, and it also leaves the student feeling
smart. There’s an added benefit of starting with a less-than-stellar

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idea: Kids tend to reject the first thing we offer, so when they do,
we haven’t wasted a really good one.

Step Five: End with, “I wish you success with this.

Please let me know how it works out.”
We used to teach people to end this process with, “Good luck.
Let me know how this works out.” We no longer do so for two
important reasons: First, very few people are able to say this
without sounding sarcastic or flippant. Secondly, we’ve become
concerned about young people believing that “luck” is the key
to success. Successful people know it’s not about the roll of the
dice but about hard work and perseverance.
As we prepare to send the student off to own and solve their
problem, many of us struggle with the temptation to tell them
which solution to try. Don’t make this mistake. When we say, “I
really think the third idea is the best” or “Try the third one we
talked about” we steal from the student. If all goes well, we steal
their chance to feel great about making the choice. If things go
poorly, we steal their opportunity to take personal responsibility
for the choice and to learn from it.
There are certainly times when we cringe a bit as the student
goes off prepared to use an option we believe is sure to fail.
There’s no doubt that sometimes we simply have to step in and
say, “No.” When serious
issues come up, we have an love and logic experiment:
obligation to protect our No Friends
students from themselves student: “I don’t have any friends.”
and others. Nevertheless,
teacher: “That’s really sad. What do you
we absolutely must allow
think you’re going to do?”
them to learn from their poor
student: “I don’t know.”
decisions… so they have the
commonsense problem- teacher: “Would you like to hear what

solving skills essential for some other kids have tried?”

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leading safe and healthy lives. The Love and Logic mantra is
always the same: Hope and pray they make plenty of mistakes
when the stakes are relatively low, so they won’t have to make
them when the stakes are life and death.
Guiding Kids to Solve Their Own Problems
Step 1. Empathy.
“How sad. I bet that makes you unhappy.”
Step 2. Hand the problem back to the student.
“What do you think you’re going to do?”
Step 3. Offer choices.
“Would you like to hear what other kids have tried?”
Step 4. Have the student state the consequences.
“And how will that work?”
Step 5. Give permission for the student to either solve the problem or not
solve the problem.
“I wish you success with this. Please let me know how it works out.”

Identify Some Readymade Options

As we admitted earlier, it’s not always easy to think of options
we can provide to students after we’ve asked, “Would you like to
hear what some students decide to try?” That’s why we suggest
identifying the most common problems students present, as well
as some readymade options you can provide each and every time
these issues arise. Listed below are some examples:
“You didn’t explain it.” (The student lacks information because
they were either physically or mentally absent when you provided it.)
Some students decide to…
• say to themselves, “Well… this project isn’t that important
so I’ll just ignore it.”
• stay after school so that they can visit with me when I
have some time to talk.

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• t alk with another student and see if they can explain it

to them.
“I don’t have a pencil.” (Or book, laptop, tablet, paper, etc.)
Some students decide to…
• try to complete the assignment in their head and then get
it down on paper as soon as they have a chance.
• see if they can find someone who will lend them one.
• ask a friend if they will share.
“He called me a ________________.”
Some students decide to…
• let this ruin their day.
• smile at the other student and confuse them by saying, “Thanks,
I appreciate your honest feedback.” Then walk away quickly.
• remember that kids usually say things like that because
they are feeling really low about themselves.
“You need to give me another chance. I need to pass this
class!” (Upset about their grade.)
Some students decide to…
• do some research on summer school options.
• sit closer to the teacher so they aren’t so distracted by
their friends.
• get some tutoring.
“Nobody likes me.”
Some students decide to…
• tell some other kids that they need to be their friend.
• once in a while notice nice and special things about some
of the other kids in class. For example, “I noticed that
you like to draw horses.” Then they listen and make the
other person feel special.
• find another kid who doesn’t have a friend and make
friends with him or her.

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 e student has caused a problem for others and now

Th
needs to solve it.
Some students decide to…
• let their teacher solve the problem and experience the
consequences. Personally, I’m not thinking I would go
for that one. Around here it’s usually a lot more pleasant
for students when they solve problems than when they
let their teachers solve them.
• write a plan for what they are going to do differently and
discuss it with their teacher when it’s convenient for her.
That would probably be before school, after school, or
during lunch or recess.
• do some helpful things to put energy back into their
teacher. If you are interested, I can share some ideas.
“What an Energy Drain.”
As you surely remember, students in a Love and Logic classroom
may do anything they like… as long as it doesn’t cause a problem
for anyone else in the universe. Thirteen-year-old Ezra had decided
to test just how far he could go before his wonderful teacher, Mr.
Sakda, informed him that his actions were qualified as problematic.
Some educators prefer to create rigid systems where students
have few choices, experience little freedom, are spoon-fed solutions
to every issue, and constantly experience the enticement of tangible
rewards. Love and Logic educators rise to a higher calling. They
yearn to help students develop the self-control and problem-solving
skills learned only when students have opportunities to err. The
payoff can be massively gratifying!
Mr. Sakda (with wonderful empathy): “Oh… man… Ezra…
you really caused a problem yesterday when you
kept getting out of your seat and were messing
with other kids.”
Ezra: “I just had to sharpen my pencil.”

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Mr. Sakda: “I didn’t want to embarrass you in front of the

class, so I decided to visit with you today when
I could do it quietly. That really drained my energy.
What are you going to do to replace it?”

When you can’t think of a consequence, have an energy drain.

Have you ever found yourself at a total and complete loss for a
natural or logical consequence? The next time this happens, experiment
with having an energy drain. The Energy Drain is an actual certified
and time-tested Love and Logic technique. Just remember: When you
can’t think of a consequence, have an energy drain. Here are the steps:
Step One: Inform the student that their behavior has
drained your energy.
This sounds like, “Oh… no… When you_________________,
it really drained my energy.”
The nice thing about misbehavior is that it does drain our
energy. This being the case, we are not speaking falsely when we
say, “Oh… when you keep tapping on your desk when I try to
teach, it really drains my energy.”
Step Two: Ask, “How are you going to put that energy
back into me (or the class/school)?”
If you’re thinking, “Hey, this sounds a bit like restitution!” you nailed
it. While there are times when we have to impose consequences,
we prefer to guide students toward solving the problems they
create. When we provide consequences, we have to do most of
the thinking. When students are required to find ways to replace
sapped energy, they have to do the thinking.
Step Three: Apply “Guiding Students to Own and Solve
Their Problems.”
Many educators find it extremely helpful to create a list of convenient
“energy replacement options” for their classroom. When a student

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needs ideas, they can pick one, two, or more, depending on the
severity of their draining behavior. Below is an excerpt from one
developed by a wonderful middle school science teacher, Mrs.
Carol Gwynn. The key is not to use her list, but to create one
that fits your grade level and your unique classroom.

Mrs. Gwynn’s Energy Replacement List

Scour, wash, and dry sinks and faucets.
Pick up litter from the floor.
Damp-dust windowsills and whiteboard tray.
Wash and dry the white laminated sheets at the front of the room.
Clean whiteboard.
Scrub, wash, and dry rectangular lab trays.
Count, sort, and clean specified lab equipment.
Damp-dust lab tray counter and splashboard.
Damp-dust room counters and bookshelves.
Damp-dust top of grow cabinet.
Remove plants from grow cabinet, clean inner walls, and replace plants.
Remove triple-beam balances, wash and dry each pan, placing it on its
own balance, all posits on zero.
Organize compound microscopes: low power, body tube down, cord
securely wrapped.
Organize stereoscope microscopes: low power, body tube down, cord
securely wrapped.
Repair/replace dust covers on all microscopes.
Fill paper towel dispensers.
Empty pencil sharpener and damp dust sharpener area.
Wash windows.
Plaster holes in walls.
Check under all tables, remove gum, and repeat with chairs.
Square-up table (see circle on floor) and align chairs.
Water plants in, and on top of, cabinet.
Clean and polish the outside glass of aquaria and terraria.
Organize “Lost-and-Lonely” area.
Return books to appropriate classrooms.
Alphabetize student papers by last name.
Last school day of the week: remove last week’s “Bonus Question & Answer,”
move this week’s question down and add this week’s answer. Select a new
bonus question for next week.

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Let’s return to Ezra and Mr. Sakda.

Mr. Sakda: “That really drained my energy. What are you going
to do to replace it?”
Ezra: “Huh? What are you talking about?”
Mr. Sakda: “Would you like to hear what some other students
have done to replace energy in my class?”
Ezra: “What?”
Mr. Sakda: “Some students decide to ignore all of this and let
their teacher do something about it. How would
that work?”
Ezra: “Well, I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Mr. Sakda: “Personally, I don’t think I’d let the teacher do
something. Usually when I have to solve problems
for kids, it goes a lot worse for them than when
they do it for themselves. But… I guess you have
to decide about such things.”
Ezra: “What am I supposed to do?”
Mr. Sakda (turning to leave): “Oh… look at the time. I need
to run. We can visit tomorrow.”

Is This Practical for a Busy Teacher?

Some educators wonder, “How do I provide all of this guidance
when I hardly have a minute to spare during the day?”
The answer to this question is twofold: First, this process should
require very little time on the part of the teacher. Remember, it’s not
our job to provide an endless list of solutions or to spend extended
time processing each and every option provided. Our objective is to
hand the problem back, to offer two or three possible ideas, and to
move on with life.
Secondly, this process is often the most effective when we don’t
try to do it in one sitting with the student. Let’s see how Mr. Sakda
applies this process on his time and terms rather than Ezra’s.

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Ezra: “Yeah, but you said you had some ideas.”

Mr. Sakda: “I do. We’ll visit tomorrow.”
The next day:
Mr. Sakda: “Do you have any ideas about how you are going
to replace my energy?”
Ezra: “You said you had some ideas.”
Mr. Sakda: “I do. Here’s a list of some things you might do. I
need to get started with class; we can visit later
today or tomorrow.”

The example of Mr. Sakda and Ezra is a true story shared by

an educator who fell in love with the idea of getting his students
thinking harder about their problems than he was. Apparently
Ezra chose to help Mr. Sakda grade papers during lunch. What
this involved was Ezra bringing his lunch to Mr. Sakda’s room,
eating with Mr. Sakda, and handing him ungraded papers one
at a time. Over three consecutive days, the two ate together and
worked together. During this time, Mr. Sakda didn’t lecture and
didn’t act perturbed in any way. Quite the contrary, he frequent-
ly commented about how thankful he was to have the help. On
the second day, this wise teacher asked, “Do you have a dog? I
have one. He is so naughty. He ate one of my shoes.” Ezra had a
dog, too. Unlike his teacher’s, his was well-behaved.
Mr. Sakda commented:

“In a weird way, I felt a bit guilty about handling it this way.
It was almost like I felt bad about not lecturing or being
stern or trying to make the whole thing into a capital offense.
I felt more unsure when this kid seemed to enjoy helping.
“The following week, another student was creating a bit
of a disruption. On the way out of class, Ezra whispered to
me, ‘Hey… Mr. Sakda, is that kid draining your energy? I

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could come by and help you get some back if you want me to.’
“I almost cried right there. I shouldn’t have been surprised.
I’d seen it before. Most kids really do want to connect with us
and to repair the problems they create.”

All Ages Can Benefit

Sally Ogden, amazed by her success with Guiding Kids to Own
and Solve Their Problems, became a vocal advocate of using the
approach with young teens. She was often heard saying, “This was
made for middle school students.” Then she was transferred to the
high school. Since her new students were older, are you guessing
she found no use for this process, or did she discover that it came in
handy multiple times daily? Like almost all Love and Logic strategies,
this one applies from early childhood to geriatric settings.
One of her favorite stories is about Sara who came to her in
a frantic way saying, “Look at this report card! I can’t take this
home! My parents are going to freak! I’ll be grounded forever!
They’ll take away my learner’s permit! What am I supposed to do?”
Here was another situation where a student’s problem could
soon become the teacher’s problem. Sally’s job was to gently hand
this problem back to Sara. She reminded herself, “The purpose of
this technique is to teach kids to think about options and to help
them learn that they can, in fact, solve problems for themselves.”
Starting with empathy, Sally said, “Wow. That’s got to be
terrifying. What do you think you are going to do?”
“How should I know? I’ve never even gotten grades like this
before. My parents are going to kill me!”
“Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?”
“I guess so. I just can’t show my parents this report card.”
Sally continued, “I can’t think of anything right off the top
of my head. I’ll think real hard about it, and if you come back
right after school, maybe I can have a list of options.”

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Sara came into Sally’s room after school with high expectations
written all over her face. “Mrs. Ogden. I hope you have some
ideas, ’cause my parents are going to freak.”
Sally started with the worst possible option. “Well, Sara,
some kids just lie to their parents telling them the school has a
new policy and doesn’t give report cards anymore. How do you
think that would work?”
“Oh, that’ll never fly with my parents. They’re too smart for
that. Besides, they’d just call the principal to check and then I’d
really be in trouble.”
Before we continue with this example, let’s consider how we
might respond to a student who says, “Oh… lying about it…
that sounds like a good idea.” Wise educators understand that
telling students what they should or shouldn’t do increases
the odds of rebellion. So does lecturing students about the
consequences of various choices. Aware of this, effective teachers
describe their concerns about what might happen if they, them-
selves, made the poor choice. By taking this approach, we can
plant seeds about cause and effect without entering a control
battle nobody can win.

Teacher: “Oh… I’d worry that if I lied to my parents, they’d

find out and I’d be in even bigger trouble. And, I
guess that I’d worry about feeling really guilty about
being so deceptive.”
Student: “I wouldn’t worry about that.”
Teacher: “And do you think I’d have to tell your parents the
truth if they asked me about your grade?”

Establishing the fact that we don’t condone lying or doing

anything else that’s hurtful, let’s get back to Mrs. Ogden’s example.
“Well, let’s see,” Sally continued. “I’ve known some kids who
had their friends change the grades on the report card. Then if

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your parents asked if you changed the grade, you could honestly
tell them that you didn’t change them. How do you think that
might work?”
“No way!” Sara complained. “My dad’s just like a detective.
He’ll sniff that out in a hurry… then he’ll really be on my case.
Don’t you have any other ideas? These are lame!”
“Well,” Sally replied, “I’m running out of ideas, but I guess some
students would just go home, tell the truth, and admit to getting lazy.
They’d say that they really learned their lesson and promise to bring
the grade up before the end of the grading period. They’d probably
lay it on pretty thick about how sorry they were and beg for their
parents to understand. How do you think that might work?”
It was clear Sara was not thrilled by the option. “Mrs. Ogden,
you could call them for me and tell them to go easy on me and
that they shouldn’t take my learner’s permit.”
With a caring smile, Sally answered, “Yes, Sara, I could
do that, but tell me something. Who believes you are strong
enough to handle this on your own?”
Sara studied the floor. “I guess you do.”
“That’s right, Sara, I wish you the best. Let me know how it
works out.”
Bright and early the next morning Sara burst into Mrs. Ogden’s
room. She was beaming.
“Guess what, Mrs. Ogden? You should have seen me last
night! I was so good! I blew my parents away! They couldn’t
even handle me!”
“How’s that, Sara?”
“I took that report card home and threw it down on the table.
Then I yelled, ‘Look at that lousy report card! Boy, did I learn
my lesson. I’m really going to have to knuckle down!’”
Sally was speechless.
Sara continued, “I know my dad doesn’t like to be told what
to do, so I put my finger right in his face and told him that he’d

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better do something about this! He was so blown away he didn’t

do anything. I’m so good!”
And with that, Sara raced out of the room with her friends.
You may know Sally Ogden. She went on to teach many
more years and became one of America’s most entertaining
public speakers. She is the author of many books and materials,
two of our favorites being: No Thanks, I Just Had a Banana! and
Words will NEVER Hurt Me.
We like to think of Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their
Problems as a no-lose technique. If a youngster picks a bad
option, real world learning takes place. If he selects a good one,
he enjoys a wonderful opportunity to feel great about himself.
Consider the following example provided to us by a second
grade teacher, Mrs. Hicks:

Brayden: “Mrs. Hicks! Landon and those guys won’t let me

play soccer during recess. It’s not fair!”
Mrs. Hicks: “Brayden. That’s really sad. What do you think
you are going to do about that?”
Brayden: “I dunno.”
Mrs. Hicks: “Would you like to hear what some other kids
have tried?”
Brayden (pouting): “No. Just go tell those kids to let me play.”
Mrs. Hicks: “Well, I could do that, but I’m afraid it might
make things worse for you.”
Brayden: “Why? You could just tell them to let me play.”
Mrs. Hicks: “They might start calling you ‘teacher’s pet,’ and I
bet you might know how bad that can get.”
Brayden: “Okay, so what have other kids tried?”
Mrs. Hicks: “Some kids just decide to feel bad and don’t do
anything about it. How would that work out?”
Brayden (eyes wide with shock): “But that’s no good!”
Mrs. Hicks: “Well, I guess some kids would find something

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else to play. How would that work out?”

Brayden: “But I want to play soccer!”
Mrs. Hicks: “I only have one more idea. Some kids decide to
make friends with Landon. They share their candy
with him and do stuff like that. How do you
think that would work?”
Brayden: “I dunno.”
Mrs. Hicks: “Brayden, those are the ideas I have. Maybe you
can think up some other ones that are better. I
wish you success with this. Please let me know
how it works out for you.”

A Lifetime Gift
Is it Mrs. Hicks’s job to keep offering new ideas until Brayden
finds one he likes? Of course not. It’s her job to get him thinking
and realizing he can solve the problems he faces. A solution
from another person is a one-time event. Learning to think and
solve problems is a gift that lasts a lifetime.
A solution from another person is a one-time event.
Learning to think and solve problems is a gift
that lasts a lifetime.
Let’s suppose Brayden chooses a bad option. Will this be a
great opportunity for him to learn when the “price tag” of learning
such lessons is still small? Is it true that the road to wisdom is
paved with mistakes?
What if he makes a great choice? Will this result in great
satisfaction and feelings of confidence? Once again, it’s a no-lose
proposition.
Apparently Brayden ignored all of Mrs. Hicks’s advice and
decided to form a “virtual” soccer training camp, where he and
some of his more creative… albeit a bit odd… buddies ran
around practicing moves without a ball. Mrs. Hicks admitted,

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“I never could have come up with such a bad option that he would
have liked so much.” It just shows that the best solution to every
person’s problem usually resides within the skin of that person.

The Earlier the Better

When my (Charles’s) wife, Monica, and I realized we were having
a later-in-life impromptu blessing child, we decided we’d begin
as early as possible with Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their
Problems. By the time our son Cody was four, he’d been on the
receiving end of it so many times he’d become an expert.
Then it happened. Monica was struggling with her computer.
It wasn’t behaving.
Cody arrived on the scene. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”
Venting a bit, she explained, “This thing is all locked up. The
mouse won’t even work. I’ve been hassling with this for an hour.”
Without missing a beat, he replied, “That is so sad, Mom-
my. What are you gonna do? Would you like to hear what other
mommies do with their computers?”
More than a bit amused, she replied, “Sure!”
Grinning from ear to ear and giggling, he advised, “Some
mommies run over it with their bike. How would that work
out, Mommy?”
Mom was too stunned to produce sound.
Cody’s face turned more serious. “But other mommies shut
off their computers and go out in the yard and play with me
and let the computer fix itself. How would that work?”
A proud mother shut off the computer, went out to play
with Cody, and what do you know? That universal computer fix
actually worked. When she booted it up, it worked!
Today’s kids are going to live in a world that is even more
complex than the one we know today. There will be more tough
decisions to make and more problems to solve. There’s no way
we can change that world to fit our kids. Our job is to help

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them learn to face the world they will enter. That’s why… more
than ever before… they need plenty of practice owning and
solving their problems.

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 CHAPTER NINE

Reaching Your
Unmotivated Students

Trips
Ashton had spent the previous nine years of school developing
a finely honed, highly sophisticated network of avoidance skills.
Most of these coping skills involved taking trips: trips to the
pencil sharpener… trips to the school nurse to address vague,
yet reoccurring physiological afflictions… trips to the principal’s
office for predictable lectures about how rough his life would
be if he didn’t get an education… trips to the teacher’s desk to
discuss perceived maltreatment by peers… trips to other galaxies
where school didn’t exist… trips… trips… trips.
Perhaps you know a student like Ashton. Each year for
about four decades we’ve asked educators, “What’s the biggest
challenge you face with students?” They’ve consistently replied,
“Capable kids who won’t do their work.”
There’s good news. There’s hope. While there’s no silver bullet,
quick-fix solution to chronic underachievement, there are strategies
that can keep us out of endless power struggles while helping students
view learning as rewarding. Wise educators understand the process of
improvement for these students is often very slow. With some, it may

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take months or even years for them to shed their psychological

armor and take the risks required to achieve at their highest potential.
I (Charles) was one of those students. Because of undiagnosed
learning problems and illnesses, I found myself as a young student
struggling and growing more and more reluctant to try. I thank all
of the wonderful teachers who looked past my obstinate… often
obnoxious… behavior to see the scared and discouraged kid within.
Without them… and my wonderfully patient parents… I would
have never experienced the joy of learning and achievement.

This Should Have Worked

Mrs. Karen Freeman and the team at Yates Academy Middle School
were as skilled and caring as they come. Dedicated to ensuring that
all students learned and achieved at high levels, they were confident
they’d be successful in their efforts to help Ashton become more
excited about achievement.
Their first step involved conducting a thorough assessment of
Ashton’s academic strengths and weaknesses. Dr. Lambert, their

love and logic experiment:

Why Do We Have To Do This?
student: “I don’t know why we have to learn this. I’m never going to need this
when I get out of here.”

teacher (sincerely): “What do you dream of being when you are an adult?”

student: “Well… not somebody who has to do math all day.”

teacher: “I hope that I can help you discover what you love to do… so that some
day you can make it into a good career.”

student: “Uh… well… football.”

teacher: “That would be great. Will you work on that math... just for me… even
though you really dislike it? Thanks! (Teacher walks away and attends to
another student.)

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well-trained school psychologist, administered an assortment of

psychometrically reliable and valid aptitude and achievement
measures. Before they were scored, she knew the results: Because
Ashton was apathetic and passive resistant during the assessment
process, she had no idea how capable or skilled he really was.
This was a good idea. It should have worked.
Undeterred by this minor setback, the Yates team developed a
behavior system where Ashton could earn rewards for completing
his work. This system also involved a home-school report system
so Ashton’s parents could participate by providing rewards at home.
Because this system was based on solid research in behavioral
psychology, and because it had worked with other students in the
past, the team wasn’t surprised when Ashton began to complete
some assignments. What astonished them was how briefly the
system worked. It wasn’t long before Ashton had even become
apathetic about earning rewards. This was a reasonable idea.
This was a good idea. It should have worked.
Mrs. Freeman and her team were not about to let a couple
of bumps in the road get in the way of helping this wonderful
kid. As such, they hypothesized, “Perhaps he is reluctant to try
because of academic skill gaps and lack of confidence.” This had
often been the case with other students, so Ashton was provided
one-on-one tutoring with a highly skilled academic intervention
specialist. As the old adage goes, “You can lead a horse to water,
but you can’t make them drink.” Ashton wasn’t thirsty.
This also was a good idea. It should have worked.
Mr. Hamlin, the history teacher and football coach has
remained quiet until this point. “I think he needs a kick in the
butt,” he suggested.
The rest of the team appeared rather shocked, even though
most of them were thinking the same thing. Ever the class act,
Mrs. Freeman asked, “In what sense are you talking? Would that
be a literal kick or a figurative one?”

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Hamlin chuckled. “Oh… a figurative one, of course. There

needs to be some consequences for not doing his work. I agree
that rewards and tutoring were the best place to start, but I think
this kid needs some accountability.”
“Well,” replied Dr. Lambert, “I guess nothing else has worked.”
The rest of the team reluctantly agreed, and they developed
a system for using in-school suspension and restricting Ashton
from participating in extracurricular activities such as football.
Mrs. Freeman even set up a plan with Ashton’s parents, so they
could be part of the accountability team. The entire team even
agreed that such consequences would only be effective if delivered
with sincere empathy. Because this approach had helped some
students in the past, there were high hopes it would assist
Ashton. Can you imagine their frustration when it didn’t? Ashton,
remaining exceptionally apathetic, mumbled, “I don’t care if you
consequence me. Football isn’t much fun anyway.”
This had never really worked well with students like this in
the past… but they were desperate.
Have you ever tried everything that makes sense with an
apathetic student, just to find that nothing worked… or worked
for very long? Students suffering from chronic, deep-seated
motivational problems need a more chronic, deep-seated approach.
They need one that gets below the surface to the foundation of
their apathy. They need educators who are willing to apply slow
and lasting solutions rather than quick fixes focused only on
behavior, test scores, and grades.

The Roots of Chronic Academic Underachievement

A few summers ago, my (Charles’s) apple tree stopped growing
apples. The leaves started falling off, and some of the bark started
to peel. One of the extremely helpful people at my local hardware
store suggested that I water it more. Colorado is a dry place, so
I figured, “That makes sense.”

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The next spring, fewer leaves appeared and more bark began
to peel. “It’s got to be insects,” I reasoned, quickly applying a
liberal coat of insecticide. As the summer arrived, no apples did
either. This should have worked. It made sense.
Another spring and summer arrived. There were zero leaves,
zero apples, and plenty of dead and peeling bark. Rather desperate,
I reasoned, “Maybe if I prune it down it will resurrect itself. I’ve
seen trees do that in the past.” I cut away. While an extreme
measure, it did make some sense.
This spring my poor apple tree began to tilt. When gravity
finally pulled it to the ground, I discovered the culprit. I bet
you guessed it. Something had attacked the roots. Studying the
phenomenon, albeit a bit too late, I discovered the true cause of
death: A soil born fungi with the fun name phytophthora root rot.
From this postmortem analysis, I was reminded of a fundamental
law of human behavior:
We won’t see the fruit if we don’t get to the roots.
Understanding the roots of academic apathy requires that we
first understand the basics of intrinsic achievement motivation.
One of my (Charles’s) sons provided a powerful object lesson.
As a toddler, less than two years old, Marc was extremely motivated
to explore every nook and cranny of our home and to touch every-
thing he could find… particularly those things being the most fragile
or the most likely to cause serious injury or death. As young parents,
we conscientiously applied Love and Logic. We also installed child-
proof latches on the cabinets containing hazardous materials.
All was right with the world. That is until the day he discovered
he could unlock those cabinets by pulling them open until they
stopped… then fishing around in the opening with a piece of track
from his wooden train set.
The joy on his face was intense… like the one kids get
when handed an ice cream cone. The look on my face was

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probably a lot different… like a child’s whose cone had just

plopped on the sidewalk.
What’s this example tell us about intrinsic achievement
motivation? We’re all born with the following:
An intense drive to learn, explore, and
master our environment.
Countless studies have confirmed our inborn, neurologically
based need to achieve. Any time spent with a very young child
confirms this fact. Little ones love to explore, love to manipulate
the environment, and absolutely adore asking, “Why, why, why, why?”
The look on Marc’s face illustrated another thing we are
born with:
A strong neurochemical system for rewarding achievement.
What does it feel like to encounter obstacles, struggle, and
eventually overcome them? Is there any greater feeling than the
one we experience as a result of hard-earned mastery? On a
neurochemical level, the brain responds to such experience with
natural feel-good substances, not unlike those found in highly
addictive drugs.
Working in tandem, the drive to learn and the built-in reward
system provide the potential for high levels of achievement and
a passion for lifelong learning. If this is the case, however, why
are we as educators witnessing an epidemic of young people who
seem almost compulsively motivated to avoid academic growth?
Why are there so many Ashtons who fail to respond to strategies
that should have worked?

The Root Causes of Underachievement

Five o’clock AM is not typically when I (Charles) find myself
contemplating life’s great mysteries. One January morning was
different. It was unique because I found myself rushing out of

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the house to catch my way-too-early flight out of Denver Inter-

national Airport. From my work as a teen waiter at a prestigious
pancake house and late-night detox center, I learned the economy
of carrying everything in one trip. There I was, trudging across
my very dark and very cold driveway: suitcase in one hand…
briefcase and coffee in the other… papers under my left arm…
bagel tucked around my right pinkie finger.
I found it. Somehow I discovered the one small section of
black ice remaining on the pavement. Who needs skis when
they can achieve the same result with a much less expensive pair
of dress shoes?
From experience, I’ve learned that falling doesn’t hurt, but
landing does. Heading toward the blacktop, I glimpsed some-
thing wonderful: the door handle of the car. Flailing about in
utter desperation, I managed to grab it and keep myself upright.
My cases were lying in the snow, my dog was eating my bagel,
and I was wearing coffee. Nonetheless, I was upright.
At this point, you may be wondering, “What does Charles
slipping on ice in his driveway have to do with my underachieving
students?”
Question: Is the brain exceptionally good at multitasking
when physical or emotional survival is at stake?
Answer: No. When physical or emotional survival is threat-
ened, the brain prioritizes. Portions of the cortex
devoted to high-order learning and creativity are
suppressed. Those devoted to survival are stimulated.
Most of us know this as “fight or flight.”

When basic needs are unmet, the brain

filters out all information that is not directly relevant
to meeting those needs.

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Question: What happens to the brain’s drive to learn, and

its built-in reward system, when more basic needs
are unmet?
Answer: These two systems take a backseat to the brain’s
drive for basic survival.

Question: What was the only thing I could think about and
see as I was slipping on the ice?
Answer: Because it represented my only means of survival,
the door handle of my car took precedence over
everything else… even my coffee!

Do you have any students who are chronically “slipping on the

ice?” Are these students unmotivated, or are they highly motivated
by needs other than learning and academic achievement?

What Basic Needs Are Not Being Met In This Student’s Life?
☐ Physical health and safety
☐ Unconditional love or acceptance
☐ Emotional safety
☐ Limits or boundaries
☐ Predictability
☐ Healthy control
☐ A sense of competence
☐ A sense of being needed by a group
☐ Hope

Rachel lives in a car with her younger sisters, her older brother,
and her mentally ill mother. She never knows where they will
park for the night, whether they’ll have anything to eat, how cold
she’ll be, or how angry or pleasant her mother will act. Which of
the following basic needs are not being met in Rachel’s life?

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• Physical health and safety

• Mental health and safety
• Unconditional love
• Structure, predictability, and limits
• A healthy sense of control
• Being a valued and needed member of a group
• Awareness that personal effort can lead to achievement

Carlton looks like all of his needs are met. He drives a new
sports car to high school, lives in a nice home, and never has to
worry about having enough to eat. His parents grew up in difficult
economic and familial circumstances. They’d worked their fingers
to the bone building an extremely successful business. Now their
goal is to ensure Carlton never faces the disappointments or struggles
that they did. As such, Carlton has never experienced a real limit or
had to earn anything. He lives like a guest at a five-star resort.
Carlton is blessed that he doesn’t face the severe deprivation
suffered by Rachel. Nonetheless, he lacks much of what he truly
needs to feel loved, emotionally safe, and capable of meeting life’s
challenges. Without limits, without chores, without accountability,
and without purpose, many youth wallow in apathy.
James’s parents have taken every Love and Logic parenting
course they could. While far from perfect, they conscientiously
do their best to provide good and loving, commonsense parenting.
James, nevertheless, had started school on a rough note, quickly
seeing that most of the other kids learned faster than he did.
When he applies himself, he can learn at high levels, but he
spends way too much time avoiding work. Are any of the basic
needs not consistently met for James?
Many underachieving students are like James. They come
from basically healthy life circumstances and have good teachers.
Nevertheless, their learning problems leave them without a
healthy sense of competency.

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Some Solutions
The possible scenarios are endless. Underachieving students enter
our classrooms from every conceivable walk of life. Some come
from poverty. Others come from wealth. Some have parents
with mental health issues, addictions, or other serious problems.
Others don’t. Some are neglected. Others are overindulged.
Some have identifiable learning disabilities. Others find learning
as easy as pie. What’s the bottom line? Somewhere in their lives
are unmet physical or emotional needs that take precedence over
the drive to learn and the resulting joy of doing so.
When the roots of a tree lack sufficient water, nutrients, and
safety, the branches will rarely yield fruit. The tree may survive,
but that’s about all.
As educators, we cannot raise children for their parents. We
can’t police communities to make them safe. We can’t force
overprotective parents to ground their helicopters and expect
more from their children. We can’t cure serious mental health
problems or addictions. We don’t have the resources to eliminate
the serious economic woes facing so many families.
We can provide school and classroom environments where
our students… at least during the time they are with us… get
what they need. We can also provide some guidance and practical
skills to the many parents who are highly motivated to help their
children. The game plan below represents a limited number of
high payoff strategies that enable us to stay sane while getting at
the root issues.

PROVIDE EYE CONTACT, SMILES, AND FRIENDLY TOUCH

Are students more likely to take the risks required for learning when
they feel emotionally connected with their teachers? Experiment
with greeting students each and every day with the three elements
of human bonding: brief eye contact, a smile, and a handshake,
high-five, or some other form of friendly, nonthreatening touch.

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Many school people have become fearful of connecting

with students in this way. A healthy fear of being sued or being
viewed as perverts has led many to shy away from bonding with
students in this pure and appropriate way. While this fear may
be wise, we must also remember the following:

• We are talking about handshakes or high-fives. Nothing else.

• These are offered but never forced upon the student.
• These are natural and public displays of enthusiasm and
acceptance. Nothing is hidden or done privately.

Decades of research on human bonding has demonstrated that

infants can actually die if they fail to receive healthy touch… even
if every other need is met. While our students’ physical lives may
not depend on it, their emotional and educational lives do.

Apply the One-Sentence Intervention

At least twice a week, apply the one-sentence intervention as
discussed in chapter three. That is, notice something unique
about the student and share it with them. Whisper and use the
format, “I noticed that you_______________. I noticed that.”
Sometimes this technique is confused with “catching them
when they are good.”
Providing rewards contingent on good performance remains
the hallmark of many school and classroom behavior management
programs. In fact, many schools require their teachers to provide
“good behavior bucks” or other kudos when they see students do
anything positive.
While this approach may be effective with some students
in some situations, it often backfires with students having
more significant, deep-seated problems, including academic
apathy. When we praise or reward these students, they experience
cognitive dissonance:

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The teacher is really happy about what I did. But wait! If

she’s happy then I’m not in control. I can’t let her think she’s
calling the shots. Besides… she’s crazy thinking that I’m so
great. If she just knew what a horrible kid I was… then
she’d know better. I’ll show her.

love and logic experiment: Students who feel poorly

I Believe In You about themselves and their
teacher: “I believe in you so much
relationships with others,
that I feel the need to nag.”
experience massive anxiety
when their performance is
student: (rolling eyes)
judged as good. The only way
teacher: “Would it be okay if I they can relieve this anxiety is
occasionally nagged by whispering, by acting out in accordance
‘How can I help’?” with their preexisting negative
self and world views.
Interestingly, high-achieving students also experience dissonance
due to praise and rewards:

The teacher thinks I am so great. Oh… I better not risk falling

off of this pedestal. I better take the safe route and not try
anything too difficult. Being seen as smart and wonderful is way
more important than learning new and challenging things.

The one-sentence intervention is all about noticing what the

student values… not what we value. It’s about demonstrating that we
care for them as they are, rather than as we hope they will be. Have
you noticed that people tend to find it safer to change when they’re
around others who love them and not just what they produce?

Call a Truce Over Learning

Have you ever known a student who had such strong, unresolved
control needs that he was willing to fail an entire grade level of

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school just to prove to the adults in his life that he was the one
in control? Have you ever met a student whose need for control
is so great that she completed her assignments yet absolutely
refused to hand them in? Have you ever known someone with
such strong control needs that they believed you were trying to
control them even when you weren’t?
For learning to begin, the control battle must end. While reading
the teacher-student dialogue below, consider how you might use
your own words and your own style to convey this to a student.
Remember that this is not about giving up on the student. It’s
about ending the battle so he or she will allow us to help.

Teacher (with sincerity): “I need to apologize to you, Damien.”

Damien: “Why are you always on my case?”
Teacher: “I think it’s because I want you to do well and have
forgotten who has to decide what type of life you
end up living.”
Damien: “This is weird.”
Teacher (smiling): “Yeah. Who’s the only one who can decide
what type of life you have?”
Damien: “Me.”
Teacher (still with sincerity): “Isn’t that great? You get to decide.
You call the shots. You get to decide what type of
life you end up having.”
Damien: “I’ll be fine.”
Teacher: “I hope so. You get to decide whether you learn the
things that will give you more options in life… or
don’t learn them.”
Damien: “So.”
Teacher (with a caring smile): “I believe in you. I know that
you can do well. I know you can give yourself more
options in life. But… who needs to decide about that?”
Damien: “Me.”

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Teacher: “That’s right. I’m going to stop fighting with you

about your grades and stop trying to punish you
into getting better ones.”
Damien: “It’s about time.”
Teacher (still smiling): “I know. Would it be okay if I replaced
all of that with just asking you if you need some
help? Would it be okay if I came by your desk from
time to time and asked, ‘How can I help’?”
Damien: “I guess… as long as you stay off my back.”
Teacher: “That sounds like a deal!”
Damien: “And you’ll give me As?”
Teacher: “I love your sense of humor, Damien. I assign students
the grade they’ve earned… no higher or lower. The
good news is that I like students the same regardless
of how well or poorly they do in my class.”

Stop Using Consequences or

Punishment as an Achievement Motivator
When the horse dies, it’s time to get off. Too frequently, people try
to ride the broken-down mare called “consequences” or “punishment”
in an attempt to motivate these students. If this actually worked, we’d
be for it. Sadly, it creates more harm than good, including a classroom
dynamic where students punish their teacher for punishing them.
Have you ever seen a tough student “get even” with a teacher by
causing constant low-level disruptions? Have you ever seen one
“consequence” their teacher by luring her into unwinnable arguments
or even shouting matches? We wonder how many office referrals start
in the following way:
The student isn’t working but isn’t bothering others.
 e teacher approaches the student and says something like,
Th
“You need to get to work.”

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The student doesn’t comply. love and logic experiment:

Soaking It Up
 e teacher issues a threat:
Th
“If you don’t get to work…” student: (Is sitting in class refusing
to work.)
 e student reacts with
Th
teacher (whispers): “I can see that
something like, “You can’t
you’re learning in a different way today.”
tell me what to do.”
student: “I ain’t learning nothin’.”
 e teacher reacts, “Don’t
Th
teacher (smiling and continuing to
talk to me like that!”
whisper): “I’m such a great teacher

that students can even learn when they
The student throws a fit
aren’t doing any work. The sad thing is
and ends up in the office
that they have nothing to hand in for a
for discipline.
grade. Just let me know how I can help.”
Does this need to happen?
No. Wise educators remember the solution to underachievement
has far more to do with building relationships and meeting other
underlying needs than using consequences or punishment. That’s
why they don’t waste their time or energy trying to motivate these
students with:

• Suspension from recess.

• In-school suspension or detention.
• Removal of other privileges.
• Expecting parents to provide consequences at home.
• Threats, lectures, or nasty looks.

When we aren’t working so hard to keep track of implementing

consequences… and dealing with the resulting ire from students
and their parents… do we have a lot more time and energy left
over for effective strategies?
Let’s be clear: We are not suggesting students ever be immune
from the logical and natural consequences of their actions.

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When they act in ways that compromise the learning and safety
of others, they must be held accountable. What we don’t suggest
is providing extra consequences or punishment when they are
causing problems for themselves by failing to learn or complete
assignments.

Use Sincere Empathy to Pass the Test

When we stop trying to control and coerce unmotivated students,
it’s quite likely their performance will become worse in the short
term. How else can they test their new freedom? How else might
they test your sincerity? How else will they learn to choose success
over failure?
Some educators and parents balk at the thought of allowing
kids to make mistakes. We believe the sooner they make them,
the better. When is it best for a student to be given the freedom
to see that their learning and their life is their own responsibility.
Is it better if this happens after they leave home, or is it ideally
best for this to happen in elementary school or even earlier? As
we often say, “The price tag of mistakes goes up daily. It’s far
better for our children to learn when the consequences are small
than when they are potentially life and death.”
When we call a truce over learning, we end the control battle
and simultaneously transition ownership of learning onto the
student. Because this is a new responsibility, we can expect
students to mess up. As we discussed in chapter four, our use of
sincere empathy can dramatically increase the odds of success:

“Oh, Damien. I can’t imagine how bad you must

feel. I had to assign a zero because I never received
your paper. Please let me know how I can help.
I believe in you.”

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Place Primary Emphasis on Successes and on Gifts

With reluctant or unmotivated students, what shapes learning
most effectively? Is it focusing on success experiences or dwelling
on failures? Is it concentrating on natural strengths or obsessing
over weaknesses?
Teachers who understand the Love and Logic approach
remember that the world’s most successful people focus mostly
on building upon their successes and honing their intuitive gifts.
When it comes to their weaknesses and failures, these individuals
learn from experience, but they spend no time beating their heads
against the wall. A true Love and Logic teacher might share the
following with his or her entire class:

“What’s my biggest job as your teacher? Do you think it’s to

catch you when you do something wrong so you can correct
it? Or do you think it’s to catch you when you do something
well and help you see how to do that even more often?
“I’m the second type of teacher. I believe my biggest job is
to help you discover what you do well so you can figure out
how to turn that into a career someday.
“That’s why I walk around and point at things you’ve done.
When I smile and don’t say a thing, it means you did it right.
Your job is to describe why you think you were successful.
“Of course, sometimes I’ll have to make you aware of
something you did poorly or got wrong. Then I’ll try to give
you some helpful suggestions.”

Are people more willing to risk in their area of weakness if

we’ve first built them up in their areas of strength? With our
most resistant, apathetic students, educators are generally wise
to notice at least ten success experiences for every one failure.
We also encourage educators to ask parents to focus on their
child’s successes and gifts. What might happen to the parent-child

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relationship, as well as the child’s attitude toward learning, if a

parent began the following plan?

“Son, I learned from your teacher that my biggest job right

now is to help you identify what you do well. Each day I’d
like you to pick just the parts of your schoolwork that you
feel the best about… those parts that you got right. I think
your teacher is correct. People can learn a lot by thinking
about how they did things right.
“What about the things you do poorly? Well… we’re going
to trust most of that stuff will get worked out by focusing on
what you are doing well.”

It’s important to note that this approach is not designed to

be a way of providing praise or any type of tangible rewards.
The adult simply describes what the child did correctly and asks,
“How do you think you did that?” They refrain from unnatural,
phony attempts to praise the child into succeeding more often.
Here are some examples:

• “You completed number nine correctly. How did you do that?”

• “That sentence has a complete thought and a period at the
end. How did you know to do that?”
• “You answered that Robert E. Lee was on the side of the
Confederacy. How did you discover that?”
• “I can read the letter ‘E’ very clearly. How did you learn to
do that?”

In essence, focusing on successes and strengths allows us to

dramatically increase the odds of compliance when we say to
a student, “I know this tends to be challenging for you. What
are you good at? That’s right! Even though this is harder for you,
will you do this part of it just for me?”

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Use Inquisitive “Conversations”

At the heart of most pervasive and chronic underachievement is
anxiety... even downright fear. If each underachieving student
carried a sign describing their experience on a daily basis, some
would read, “I’m afraid of feeling stupid because I don’t how to
do this stuff.” Others would say, “I’m afraid I won’t do it perfectly.”
Many would say, “I’m so far behind that even trying to catch
up is hopeless.” Still others would indicate, “I’m afraid my peers
will reject me if I succeed.”
There are many effective strategies and assessment devices for
determining student learning styles, aptitudes, and levels of
achievement. Obviously these can play a major role in under-
standing how to best help students focus on their strengths
while remediating skill deficits.
The assessment of academic anxiety or fear can be a bit trickier,
and is often best achieved by having a series of brief inquisitive
“conversations” with the student. The word “conversation” is
used loosely here. Don’t be dismayed if a student sits like a
bump on a log, doing their best to act uninvolved or bored.
The effectiveness of the “conversation” doesn’t depend on their
active participation. It depends on our sensitivity to their body
language and demonstrating that we care and want to help. As
you read, notice how the teacher makes it safe by talking about
“some students.”

Teacher: “Thanks for visiting with me. I’d really like to help,
and I was wondering if I could share some things
I’ve noticed with other students in the past.”
Noah (sliding down in his chair): “I guess… fine.”
Teacher (with a caring, inquisitive tone): “I’ve noticed some students
a void doing their work because they don’t under-
stand how to do it and are embarrassed about that.”

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At this point the teacher allows silence, resisting the urge to

ask, “Is that you?”
Noah: “Not me.”
Teacher (with a caring smile): “I’ve just seen that with some
other students. Other kids avoid doing their work
because they don’t like to do anything that they can’t
do perfectly.”
The teacher allows more silence.
Teacher (with sincere empathy): “Some students avoid doing
their work because they are feeling so bad about
other things going on in their life that they just can’t
bring themselves to try anything at school.”
Again, the teacher allows a bit of awkward, yet powerful silence.
Noah: “I just think school is pathetic.”
Teacher (with calmness and sincerity): “I’m glad you feel you
can be honest with me, Noah. If you can think of
any way I can help, please let me know.”
Noah (acting extremely unimpressed): “Yeah.”
Teacher: “Oh, by the way, who believes in you?”
Noah (rolling his eyes): “You do.”

A series of brief “conversations” such as this can go a long way

toward building relationships and developing an intuitive sense
of why the student is refusing to work. When this happens we
can begin to experiment with possible solutions.

Teacher: “Noah, I might be totally wrong about this. Can I

share it anyway?”
Noah: “Yeah… I guess.”
Teacher: “It seems like you start to bother other kids or put
your head down on your desk when we do something

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which requires you to write. I wonder if writing

might be challenging for you.”
Noah: “It’s just stupid.”
Teacher (focusing on Noah’s feelings): “I can see that you really
don’t like it.”
Noah: “No… I hate it!”
Teacher: “And what are you really good at?”
Noah: “Skateboarding.”
Teacher: “I’d love to hear more about that. It would really help
me with my son. He always wants me to talk with
him about it, but I don’t know anything about it.
Do you think we could trade?”
Noah: “Huh?”
Teacher: “Well, maybe you could teach me about skateboarding
so that I don’t feel silly with my son and I could
teach you a bit about writing so school feels better
for you.”
Noah (doing his best not to smile):“Well, I guess. But I’m
really busy.”

Remember the Ninety-Five Percent Rule

For reluctant students to become motivated to learn and achieve,
they must experience success at least ninety-five percent of the
time they apply a reasonable level of sustained effort. When
this doesn’t occur, the brain’s built-in reinforcement system never
has a chance to provide the wonderful feelings of achievement
many of us take for granted. Can you imagine going through
life on a day-to-day basis never experiencing the satisfaction of
seeing yourself perform a job well done? There’s one word for
this feeling: Hopelessness.
Given the extreme time and energy demands placed on today’s
educators, we almost feel ashamed suggesting they attempt to
tailor instruction to the needs of individual students. We are

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also aware many of the mandated curricula are paced in such a

way that doing so can be challenging. With this acknowledged,
we also know that nobody continues to try when they never
experience success.

Help them Develop the Perspiration Perspective

Some people live by what we call the “Las Vegas Plan.” The idea
here is that success and its perks largely depend on chance… on
factors beyond their control. These folks wait around for a lucky
break. Since they believe success is determined by the roll of the
dice or by the hand someone else deals them, they consider hard
work and perseverance irrelevant.
Other individuals live by the “Perspiration Plan.” While they
have a healthy sense that many things are beyond their immediate
control, they do their best to make success happen through
sweat. These highly motivated people believe success doesn’t
depend on the skills of their teachers, the niceness of their
employers, the lucky breaks they receive… or even how smart
they are. Instead, success is mostly determined by how hard they
work, how much they persevere, and how many times they pick
themselves up after blowing it.
Just a bit earlier in this chapter, we discussed the importance
of focusing on successes and asking students, “How did you do
that?” This focus gains its supreme power when we also offer
three possible options for answering that question:
• “I worked hard.”
• “I kept trying.”
• “I’ve been practicing.”
Each of these potential answers is the same. They all come
down to perspiration being the cause of the student’s success.
Our goal is not to say one of these to the student, but to get
them to utter the words.

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Reaching Apathetic Students

Chronic underachievement is caused by

unmet physical and/or emotional needs.

The brain “filters out” all information not

directly relevant to meeting unmet needs.

When this happens, students Successful educators get at the

look like they don’t care. roots of the problem.

They focus When a They avoid power They focus on

heavily on student isn’t struggles by the student’s
building working, focussing on strengths,
relationships they whisper, guiding the so that the
and meeting “How can I student to solve student might
other basic help?” the problem… be willing to
needs. rather than making try things that
the problem are difficult.
their own.

What we say is our reality. What students say will become theirs.
Consider the following example:
Teacher: “Allie, you found the right answer to that word problem.
How did you do that?”
Allie: “I don’t know.”
Teacher (pointing at the bulletin board): “Which one? Did you
work hard, keep trying, or have you been practicing?”
Allie: “Uh… I guess… I don’t know.”
Teacher (smiling): “If you did know which one would it be?”
Allie: “Uh… I guess… Uh… I kept trying?”
Teacher: “I bet that feels good.”

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STUDY THE BOOK FROM BAD GRADES TO A GREAT LIFE!

In this book, I (Charles) describe a variety of additional strategies

for building intrinsic motivation. It’s mostly a book for parents
about why character is the foundation for success in school and
life. It’ll give you more ideas for the classroom and plenty of
suggestions for parents who are seeking your help.

The bottom line

In a nutshell, success with unmotivated students comes down to
a process:

Build positive relationships…

• so students will take the risks required to learn…
• so they will have opportunities to struggle…
• so they can experience the good feelings of achievement…
• so they can see that hard work and perseverance lead to
great feelings of accomplishment.

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Success with
Challenging Parents

While no one at Switzer Elementary was brave enough to admit it,

most had tried to hide from Mrs. Hoshtel. There were rumors
that Mr. Burrell, a sixth grade teacher, had ducked under his desk
when he heard her coming. Perhaps it was no coincidence that
Ms. Simons, the secretary, needed to use the office restroom…
for nearly two hours… every time Mrs. Hoshtel’s green SUV
appeared in the student drop-off/pick-up lane (a.k.a. “helicopter
landing pad”).
Mrs. Hoshtel did not appear to be an old-fashioned helicopter
parent. She presented like the latest jet-powered attack model,
equipped with heat-seeking missiles and twin 50-caliber armor-
piercing machine guns. She didn’t simply rescue her little Liam…
she annihilated anyone perceived as being potentially threatening
to his fragile self-esteem.
It was Friday 4:47p.m., and Debi looked up just in time to
witness Lynne bursting into her classroom. It was clear from the
young teacher’s face that all was not well with her world.
“I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!” Lynne perseverated. “I just
got hit by a train.”

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Debi was alarmed. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“Yeah… I guess… I mean… well… I can’t believe what just
happened with Liam’s mom. I tried to explain to her what was
going on, but she mowed me over. The conference was a disaster.
She’s so angry, blaming me for everything. I couldn’t get anywhere
with her. Every time I tried to explain the reasons for his bad
grades and problems with other students, she interrupted me
mid-sentence with some accusation. It was crazy.”
“I know you really care about your kids, so I bet that hurts.”
“Yeah…” Lynne replied, “and now she’s even claiming I lose his
assignments… that he’s turning them in but I lose them... and I
make him too nervous to do his work in class. That’s why she thinks
he’s doing so poorly. It’s crazy. I couldn’t convince her otherwise.”
“That sounds horrible.”
“It was. She even told me that I have no business teaching
and she’s going to get me fired.”

The Death of a Dream

Was Mrs. Hoshtel acting crazy because she was demented, ill,
and mean spirited, or was she behaving this way because she
was grieving the death of someone precious… the son of her
dreams? While some parents act crazy because they are crazy,
most who act crazy are
love and logic experiment: sane and reasonable people,
When a Parent Asks, experiencing great pain as a
“Are You a Parent?” result of their child’s problems.
Teachers who are not parents often feel No parent anticipates having
intimidated when a parent asks in an a child who struggles with
accusatory tone, “Do you have kids?” learning… or has serious
Experiment with smiling and behavior problems… or has
responding, “No… but I was a chal- difficulty relating to their
lenging kid. It’s a wonder that my peers… or has a mental or
parents survived all of those years.” physical disability.

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As I (Jim) and Dr. Foster Cline were initially developing the Love
and Logic approach, we witnessed the opening of a nearby school for
young children with severe special needs. The administrator of
the program soon admitted that over eighty percent of their time
was being spent dealing with upset parents demanding additional
special accommodations for their children. Every effort was made
to satisfy these demands. But regardless of these efforts, there
was no decrease in the number of upset parents or demands for
additional accommodations.
A wise psychologist consulted with their team of teachers,
and helped them discover the heart of the issue: Their school
was the first place where these generally good and loving parents
were forced to face the true severity of their children’s difficulties.
While the staff had always done their best to be professional and
compassionate, they were being seen as the bearers of bad news.
Dreams were being shattered. Parents were grieving.
The psychologist asked the staff to imagine the types of
dreams parents usually have for their children. They answered…
Our dream for our children is that they…

• do well in school.
• are responsible.
• are healthy and happy.
• have friends.
• enjoy good self-esteem.
• do not have the problems we had as kids.
• are loving and cooperative.
• do well in sports.
• someday get good jobs.
• someday have their own kids and become good parents.

After this exercise, the teachers became more aware of the

grief these parents were experiencing. They began to view these

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people in a different light. Rather than seeing them as pains,

they began to see their pain.
Instead of seeing them as pains,
try to see their pain.

Back to Mrs. Hoshtel

“Lynne, are you interested in hearing something that really changed
how I work with parents?” Debi asked.
“I’ll take anything. I can’t handle another conference like that!”
Debi described a Love and Logic conference and how I (Jim)
had taught about what happened at the special needs preschool.
“But she was just so mean!” Lynne interrupted. “It’s going to
be difficult to shake the feeling of being bulldozed like that.”
“It’s not easy. You’re right. We’re human… but this does give
us an amazing chance to help kids by building relationships with
their parents.”
“I guess that makes sense… but she kept denying that Liam
plays any role in the problem. She got madder every time I tried
to help her see it. Did I also tell you that she wants me to give
him a blue algae tablet when he starts getting restless? I guess
she heard it cures ADD.”

Stages of Parental Grief and Loss

Most people act a bit crazy and irrational when grieving. This is
part of the normal and healthy process of eventually arriving at a
sense of acceptance over the loss. We as educators are well served
to recognize the stages as we visit with parents.

DENIAL

“Not my child!”
“We never have these problems at home.”
“What are the other kids in class doing? Did they start it?”

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The pain of accepting the truth is often too unbearable to

face... at least initially. Denial is a healthy coping mechanism…
as long as it doesn’t become the final destination. It allows us to
face the pain of loss in a gradual and tolerable way, rather than
being overwhelmed with emotions.

ANGER

“You don’t care!”

“You never do anything to help my child!”
“You’re racist!”
“You’re hearing from our lawyer!”
Anger indicates the parent is making progress… that their
denial is wearing off. We as educators can choose to take this anger
personally or opt to remember it’s simply part of the process.

BARGAINING

“If she just had another teacher, she’d be doing fine.”

“If you just guide his hand over the paper when you want
him to complete something, he can do it. Just keep your hand
on his, and he will get unstuck. Have you tried that?”
“If he just had a full time aide...”
“If you can send me hourly emails…”
This is the “if-then” stage: “If you just did ______________,
then all of our problems would quickly go away. “
The “solutions” demanded by the parent almost always require
great effort on the part of everyone except the child. These “solutions”
also represent knee-jerk reactions that will never get to the root
of the problem.
When teachers gracefully say “no” to implementing the parent’s
ideas… or when they inevitably fail to bring about a miraculous
transformation in the child… the parent often revisits the anger
stage. They project blame upon the teacher, rather than accepting
the truth.

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When a Parent has a Bad… But Not Horrible Idea

There are times when parents suggest “accommodations” that aren’t
horrible but are sure to be ineffective.
We all learn from making mistakes, experiencing the consequences,
and feeling empathy from others around us. Parents are no different.
Sometimes it’s wise to suggest a time-limited “experimental period”
where we agree to do exactly what the parent wants us to do… so that
they can see firsthand that it isn’t effective.
The key is to document your good faith efforts to implement the
accommodation and demonstrated compassion when things don’t go
as hoped.

This doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve done anything wrong,

and it doesn’t mean the parent is completely nuts or incorrigible.
It simply indicates the grief process is moving along in a normal
and predictable fashion.

DEPRESSION

“We’ve tried everything… and nothing works.”

“We just don’t know what to do.”
While we feel for any parent who is this discouraged,
we also know they are nearing acceptance and openness to
our ideas.

ACCEPTANCE

“We love him so much… and we know he’s not always so

easy to love.”
“You deserve a medal for how hard you’ve worked with her.”
Acceptance is never arrived at without the pain that comes from
visiting and revisiting denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.
Parents typically arrive here faster when we avoid becoming defensive
and listen with empathy.

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How We View People Makes A Difference

Debi and Lynne met for coffee on Sunday morning. “I guess if
I’m going to be a teacher in this day and age,” Lynne sighed,
“I better get good at dealing with difficult people.”
Debi smiled. “Yeah, for some reason it always seems as if
adults are harder to work with than the kids.”
Lynne nodded. “I think you’re right. I mean, we even have
some staff that… well… and my boyfriend... well, let’s not
go there.”
“I hear ya,” Debi grinned, “but something you said left me
concerned. It was about resigning yourself to having to work
with difficult people. It seems like you’re really burdened.”
“Well… I’m not happy about it.”
Debi countered with an important question: “Will you be
less stressed and more effective if you view people like Liam’s
mom as hurting rather than as difficult?”
Lynne paused to think. “Do you really think it makes that
much difference?”
“It did for me. When I stay in the habit of seeing through
to the hurt inside, I don’t take what they do so personally. I also
find it a lot easier to stay empathetic and calm.”

When we view people as hurting

rather than difficult, we are far more likely
to remain empathetic and calm.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t choose to be that mom. It must be really

difficult to be in her shoes every day.”
Debi provided an experiment: “If you’re interested, spend
some time this evening imagining how challenging it must be
for her. Then see if this helps you feel a bit less stressed about
the situation. I know it’s a hard experiment, but I think it might

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help. When I have some time, I can also share a process you
might want to try with Mrs. Hoshtel. It might even turn her
into your biggest supporter.”
Lynne laughed. “Is that really coffee you’re drinking? Now
you’re delusional.”

A Win-Win Process
I (Jim) discovered early in marriage that I was tempted to use
my mouth more than my ears. When I fell into this temptation,
things never went well. When my wonderful wife, Shirley, was
upset, it always made things worse when I tried to make sense. It
took me far too many years to learn that she needed my empathy…
not my expertise.
When people are upset, they need our empathy,
not our expertise.
Early in my teaching career, I also discovered I had the same
unfortunate tendency when I found myself face to face with an
upset parent. Almost automatically, I’d find myself exerting massive
amounts of energy solving problems rather than listening. This
worked with a few parents. Mostly it blew up in my face.
When I first became a school principal, I discovered something
that made me feel a bit better for a very brief period of time. I
noticed most of the teachers I was tasked with leading had the
same problem. It wasn’t just the guys. It was the women, too. I
felt better about myself for a moment. I wasn’t alone.
Then I had a horrible thought: My life with the parents at my
new school was going to get worse and worse if we all didn’t learn
some new skills!
It was about this time that I became privy to the parent
problems over at the special needs preschool. From this, I realized
most of the “difficult” parents we were facing were dealing with
grief and loss. The stages were so recognizable in their behavior

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Never Make an Angry Parent Wait

• Wait for them outside of the front door of the school.
• Never have them cool their heels waiting for you in the office.
• Never have them sent down to your room by the secretary.
• Always be the first adult they see when they pull up to the school.
• Greet them with eye contact, a smile, and a handshake.
• Make them feel special.

that they could have been used as examples in a textbook for

grief counselors. I began to see that we first needed to show how
much we cared before we demonstrated how much we knew.

STEP ONE: LEAD WITH EMPATHY AND COLLECT INFORMATION.

Where there’s no sincere empathy, there’s no Love and Logic.

Empathy soaks up emotions. It changes brain functioning, moving
the lion’s share of neurological activity from the limbic system
(devoted to emotions and fight or flight) to the prefrontal cortex
(devoted to attention, self-control, and complex reasoning). We
possess the power to change another person’s “mind”… that is as
long as we replace “trying to reason” with “trying to understand.”
Empathy soaks up emotions.
Highly effective educators identify one to three authentic
empathetic responses for use with upset parents. Examples include:

• “I can’t imagine how upsetting this must be.”

• “I bet it’s incredibly frustrating to hear
that_______________.”
• “I’m hearing that you are very angry about this.”

Leading with empathy opens the door for parents to feel free
to express their emotions. That’s why wise educators aren’t shocked
when they hear some things that sting. They aren’t surprised when

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they hear illogical comments. They aren’t shocked when they hear
stuff that sounds crazy.
The key to success is to get the parent talking as much as possible.
The more they talk and express their emotional point of view, the more
likely they’ll eventually calm to accept a more rational point of view.

The more the parent talks and expresses

their emotions, the quicker they will become calm enough
to consider solutions.

A helpful strategy involves readying ourselves with four phrases

for use in response to just about anything a parent might say:
• “Tell me more.”
• “Help me understand.”
• “What would you like to see here?”
• “How long have you felt this way?”
Over the past three decades, we’ve known many educators
who’ve taped these phrases to their desks. Some schools have them
posted in the staff workroom. We often joke, if you’re fortunate to
have a large percentage of challenging parents at your school, you
may want to have these tattooed along the inside of four fingers.
Let’s imagine how these might be applied:
A parent accuses, “You never explain anything. How is he
supposed to learn anything if you don’t teach?”
Which of the following should you use?
a. “Tell me more.”
b. “Help me understand.”
c. “What would you like to see here?”
d. “How long have you felt this way?”
e. Any of the above.

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The correct answer is “e.” Just pick the first one that comes
to mind.
Another example:
“He’s really sensitive. He needs more praise. You need to tell
him how great he is… give him some strokes… at least once
every twenty minutes. That’s what our therapist said.”
Okay… after careful consideration, which response could be
used? Again, it’s “e”: Any of the above.
It doesn’t matter which one you use.
Most of us tend to freeze up when a parent says something
confrontational or completely counter to common sense. When
this happens, falling back on any one of these four phrases
allows us to keep the ball rolling in a healthy direction. Just use
the first one that comes to mind. Then remember…
• don’t interrupt.
• don’t try to defend yourself.
• don’t try to reason with the parent.
It’s also helpful to ask plenty of thoughtful questions:
• “How did this come to your attention?”
• “How did your child explain this to you?”
• “What was your initial reaction?”
• “Have there been other problems like this in the past?”
• “What kind of things have you tried so far?”
• “What is the best way that you see me helping with this?”
• “If you could have it your way, what would it look like?”

STEP TWO: SLOW THINGS DOWN.

As the parent is venting, it’s often helpful to ask, “I want to

make sure I am hearing you correctly. May I take some notes?”

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Write exactly what the parent is saying… exactly. Don’t paraphrase

or summarize. Write it down verbatim.
Obviously this is difficult to do… and it takes time. That’s
precisely why it’s so effective. Since we write so much slower
than an angry person can speak, we slow the process and calm
emotions by occasionally saying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.
This is important. Will you repeat that so that I can get all of
this down?”

STEP THREE: PROVE THAT YOU’VE LISTENED.

From time to time ask, “I want to make sure I’m getting this
correct. Is it okay if I read it back to you?”
The parent needs to hear their exact words.
Start with, “Let’s see if I’ve got this.” End with, “Is there
anything I’ve missed?”

“Let’s see if I’ve got this right. You said, ‘I’m not fair, I give
other kids preferential treatment, I have no business teaching,
and you are surprised I have a license, that I…’ Is there
anything I’ve missed?”

Doing this (without any sarcastic voice inflection or defensive

body language) allows us to prove we’ve listened. It also helps
the parent reflect on how they are truly sounding. We’ve heard
many parents reply, “Well… I didn’t really mean that. What I
really meant was…”
Typically, the parent’s second version is less emotional and
more rational than their first. Regardless, this allows us to always
look back on the interaction and say to ourselves, “I was a class act.”
No skill or technique will work with every person all of the
time. This approach increases the odds for success but doesn’t
guarantee that the parent will see our point of view. Some people
apply this and other techniques in an attempt to control others.

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Wiser people do so primarily because they want to control themselves.

They realize they can’t ensure that all goes well, but their focus
is to consistently treat others in dignified and respectful ways…
regardless of how others react. Which person will suffer more
frustration? Which will struggle with chronic feelings of failure?
In its deepest and most accurate sense, Love and Logic has
nothing to do with changing or controlling other people. It’s
all about living life in a way where we can consistently say to
ourselves, “I was a class act.”
Love and Logic is about handling situations so well
that we can consistently look in the mirror and say,
“I was a class act.”
Frequently, Love and Logic techniques allow us to reflect on
situations with, “I was a class act, and things turned out well.”
Other times… because we are working with complex situations
and unpredictable human beings… we end up reflecting, “I was
a class act… and things still went miserably… but I was a class act!”

STEP FOUR: CHECK FOR ENTRY INTO THE THINKING STATE.

The previous steps in the process provide an opportunity for parents

to be heard and to feel respected. As such, they are designed
to gently move parents from the “emotional state” (the limbic
system) to the “thinking state” (the prefrontal cortex).
But how do we know this neurological shift has taken place?
Ask, “Would you like my thoughts?”
If the parent has begun to move into the thinking state, he
or she will say something like, “Yes,” or “I guess so.” If so, it’s
time for step five.
If you sense even a slightest iota of resistance, ask, “It
seems as if there may be something else you’d like to share. Is
that the case?”
If necessary, return to step one.

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STEP FIVE: BEGIN PROBLEM SOLVING.

Parents who sense the teacher or the school is willing to view their
child’s problems as unique, tend to be much more supportive
and cooperative. Open this step by suggesting that there are
usually many solutions to a given problem, depending on the
child. It’s possible that looking at different solutions will trigger
more emotions on the parent’s part. If that’s the case, go back to
step one and do a good job of listening to bring the parent back
into the problem-solving discussion.
One of the most challenging parts of working with upset or
resistant people is resisting the urge to move too quickly toward
this final step. As my teachers and I (Jim) began to embrace
and refine this process, we discovered something: Most of the
time the real problem was not what we thought it was when the
conversation started. The most common reason problem solving
fails is the problem was never accurately identified. When we
rush and fail to listen effectively, massive amounts of time,
energy, and other resources are wasted attempting to solve the
wrong problem.

The most common reason problem solving fails

is that the actual problem was never
accurately identified.

We also discovered the real problem usually had far more

to do with the parent’s fear, insecurity, grief, or pain than the
specifics of what we were doing with their child.
After taking time to reflect on her coffee conversation with
her mentor, Debi, Lynne began to soften a bit toward Mrs. Hoshtel,
Liam’s mom. She probably is hurting a lot, she admitted to herself.
Equipped with the process discussed above, she even called
Mrs. Hoshtel to schedule a face-to-face meeting. As she prepared,
she reminded herself of a key truth related to all relationships:

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Success is not determined by how others react.

Success is determined by how maturely I do.
While it’s true that we cannot make other people behave, this
win-win process does have an amazing track record of taming
parents who appear to be hostile helicopters or demanding drill
sergeants. A high school teacher commented:
“I can’t believe how many parents come in as tigers, growling
and going for blood, and end up crying on my shoulder. Many
have said, ‘This is the first time anybody at any of his schools
actually listened.’ There’s nothing more gratifying than seeing
the relief on a parent’s face when they begin to believe that you
really care.”

Preventing Problems Before They Happen

We chose to write this chapter backwards: We started with responding
to parents after they’re already upset. Since none of us have time to
provide extensive grief counseling or psychotherapy while also trying
to perform all of our other job duties, it makes practical sense that
most of our efforts ought to go toward fire prevention.

Calming Upset Parents

Step One: Lead with empathy and collect information.
Listen and show that you care.
Step Two: Slow things down.
Take notes and write exactly what the parent is saying… verbatim.
Step Three: Prove that you’ve listened.
Ask, “I want to make sure that I’m getting this correct. Is it okay
if I read it back to you?”
Step Four: Check for entry into the thinking state.
Ask, “Would you like my thoughts?”
Step Five: Begin problem solving.
Don’t be surprised if you need to revisit the previous steps.

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BUILD RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE PROBLEMS DEVELOP

It’s always best to begin connecting before problems arise. If you

serve a relatively small number of students, you may have the
luxury of doing the following with each and every parent:

• Call during the first week of school and describe something

unique you’ve noticed about their child. In other words, use
the one-sentence intervention with the parent: “I noticed
that Liam really enjoys drawing. I noticed that.”
• Continue to make these voice-to-voice or face-to-face contacts
as frequently as possible. Do this most often with the
parents of your more challenging students. Also share some
positive things you’ve noticed about their child’s behavior.
“Yesterday Liam held the door open for other students as
they were coming back from recess.” Specific and detailed
descriptions like this are always more credible than vague
ones like, “Liam is polite” or “Liam is courteous.”
• While there is nothing inherently wrong with making
these contacts via email or notes home with the student,
remember that voice-to-voice… and particularly face-to-face
contacts… are always far more powerful.
• Use the one-sentence intervention with all of your students.
The more they love you, the more likely they’ll share their
love for you with their parents.

How does a teacher accomplish this when they serve a large

number of students?
They prioritize.
During the first week of school… or better yet before…
note the students who seem most likely to display behavioral or
achievement-related problems. Trusting your gut-level intuition,
rank these students in terms of the level of difficulty they will

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likely present. This list is strictly confidential, meant for your

eyes only. Once you’ve identified your highest need students,
target them and their parents with heavy doses of sincere
relationship building.

AVOID NOTIFYING PARENTS ABOUT PROBLEMS VIA TEXTS OR EMAILS

Texts and emails are the kiss of death when it comes to describing
a child’s problem to their parent. They are wonderful for
scheduling appointments, or perhaps sharing positives from
time to time, but they’re often misinterpreted when used to
communicate “issues.” Effective problem solving over deeply
emotional issues always requires face-to-face interaction. It’s
impossible to move a parent from the emotional state to the
thinking state without connecting in this more personal and
compassionate way. They need to truly see… truly experience…
how much you care.

COMMUNICATE HOW YOU OPERATE BEFORE YOUR STUDENTS DO

Too frequently, students go home and provide less-than-accurate

descriptions of how we run our classrooms. Unlike years ago,
these days many parents believe their children rather than doing
some fact checking. Once beliefs get planted, they tend to grow
regardless of the facts. This is why we strongly encourage teachers
to start the year by equipping all of their parents with a letter
that reads something like the following:
Dear Mrs. Hoshtel,
I’m so thankful to have Liam in my class this year. Before too
much time goes by, I want you to know a bit about how I
run my classroom. First of all, students are valued for their
unique gifts, and I do my best to run my classroom according
to the Love and Logic approach. When you visit, you will see
this poster on the wall:

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HOW I RUN MY LOVE AND LOGIC CLASSROOM

• I will treat you with respect so that you will know how to treat me.
• Feel free to do anything that doesn’t cause a problem for anyone else
(in the known universe).
• If you cause a problem, I will ask you to solve it.
• If you can’t solve the problem or choose not to, I will do something.
• What I do will depend on the special person and the special situation.
• If you feel something is unfair, whisper to me, “I’m not sure that’s fair,”
and we will talk.

I’m always willing to visit with a student about something

they view as unfair. Depending on the merits of their case, I
may or may not change my course of action.
Students learn and grow only when they experience some
manageable struggles. Instead of trying to ensure that your child
never experiences disappointments, frustrations, or other difficulties,
I will do my best to help them learn to cope with these challenges
by solving problems. When kids overcome the struggles they face,
they develop confidence and healthy self-esteem.
Please know that I take no joy in seeing students struggle
with challenges. I simply know they need them in order to
learn how to become happy, strong, and confident. You have
my guarantee that I will treat your child with empathy and
with great dignity.

Sincerely,

______________________

DON’T EXPECT PARENTS TO SOLVE SCHOOL PROBLEMS AT HOME

Too frequently, educators provide overwhelmed… and often

less-than-skilled… parents with homework they cannot complete.
This “homework” often sounds like:

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• “He had a horrible day, and we really need you to follow

up with consequences at home.”
• “You need to make sure he’s completing his homework.”
• “We need you to talk with him about the importance of
being more cooperative at school.”
• “He’s had a bad attitude, and it’s important you address this.”

If you want enemies, this is the best way to make it happen.

Consider the following alternative:

Teacher: “Ms. Wilkins, I’m so thankful you’ve taken the time

to visit with me face to face about Josiah. Do you
feel like I’ve listened to you?”
Parent: “Yes. I appreciate it. I’m just so frustrated with him.”
Teacher: “Parenting is so challenging. I can see how much you
love him. Would you like some thoughts?”
Parent: “Sure, but I just don’t know what is going to help.”
Teacher: “I don’t want this to be more of a problem for you,
so I have some ideas about what we can do here at
school to help.”
(The teacher describes what he/she will do to help Josiah at
school and listens as parent responds.)
Teacher: “By the way… when you have a hard day at work
does it help if you get consequences for it once you
get home?”
Parent: “Well… of course not! That would be crazy.”
Teacher: “I agree. That’s why we believe that what happens at
school is usually best handled at school. Then parents
and their kids can spend more time loving and
enjoying each other, rather than stressing over what
happened someplace else.”
Parent: “But what do I do at home?”

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Teacher: “If you want some ideas for making your life easier
with Josiah at home, we have some Love and Logic
resources that can really help. Just let me know if
you want to borrow any from our resource library.
The nice side effect is that they often help kids to be
more successful at school.”

What’s another sad result of expecting parents to handle problems

that take place at school? Students begin to believe their teachers
aren’t strong enough… or don’t care enough about them… to truly
handle their misbehavior.

ENCOURAGE PARENTS TO RECEIVE OUR FREE INSIDER’S CLUB TIPS

As a school principal, I (Jim) quickly discovered that parents were

usually more cooperative with our mission when they truly
understood what it was. I also found many were appreciative
when I offered some strategies for reducing their parenting stress
at home. As a result, I began to author a weekly parenting tip in
our school newsletter (Principally Speaking).
Parents who read these tips were less likely to march into my
office, demanding to know why we were running a concentration
camp. They began to see that we were committed to empathy and
helping kids learn to feel good about themselves by overcoming
struggles. Of course, there was a small number who truly hated
my tips… and they were vocal. This worked out well, too, as we
weren’t caught off guard when they had their fits.
I wrote the original Principally Speaking tips in the early
1980s. We’ve written thousands of new and unique ones on a
variety of topics since that time. Approximately ten years ago,
we began to offer them via weekly emails to anyone who signs
up for our Insider’s Club. They are free, and they’re a wonderful
way to gain more cooperation at your school.

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PROVIDE LOVE AND LOGIC PARENTING CLASSES

The more successful parents are with their children, the smoother
and more effective your school will be. Our parent-training
curriculum offers a step-by-step approach to providing parent
training that anyone can facilitate. Parents like it because it’s
simple, practical, and full of entertaining videos. They can giggle
and learn at the same time.
A longtime Love and Logic
teacher, Mrs. Garcia, provided love and logic experiment:
an example of how this program “How Long Have You Been
impacted one of their more Teaching?”
challenging parents: Newer teachers often feel intimidated
when a parent asks sarcastically,
“Our principal just doesn’t “How long have you been teaching?”
believe in suspending kids, Experiment with smiling confidently
but Ty pushed him to the and saying, “I’ve been teaching for ____
limit. This kid was small and I use an approach that’s based
even for a second grader. on research and over one hundred
That’s why we were amazed years of combined experience. It’s
he’d managed to jump hard called Love and Logic. It’s all about
enough on one of the urinals dignity and respect.”
in the boys’ bathroom to
knock it off the wall. It may have been a bit loose to start
with, but he must have worked extremely hard to break it
off. Of course, water went everywhere, and Ty went home.
“Vandalism of this nature is a legal issue, so the authorities
were called. We all braced ourselves for how Dad was going
to react in the meeting.
“Our first surprise was that Dad brought Ty to the meeting.
As the officer described the potential charges, and our principal
outlined the cost of repairs, Dad didn’t say a word. That
was surprising, too. I figured he was giving deep thought to
how he was going to blame us for the problem. I was wrong.

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Instead, he turned to Ty and said, ‘It looks like you have a

really sad problem on your hands. How are you going to pay
for all of this?’
“Ty was outraged, and replied, ‘Well… it wasn’t my
fault… uh… it just fell off… uh, I don’t know… and this
is all stupid!’
“Dad replied, ‘We’re leaving, Ty. You’ve got a lot of work
to do… and I love you too much to argue.’
“Apparently Ty spent most of that year doing a variety of
less-than-pleasant jobs to reimburse his father for the cost of
the damage.”

What’s the moral of this story? Never lose hope!

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 APPENDIX

Theoretical
Underpinnings and
Evidence Base for
Love and Logic
For more than five decades, severe disruptive behavior among
youth has evolved from a relatively minor concern to a significant
daily reality experienced by many (American Educator, 1996;
Browne, 2013; Elam, Rose & Gallup, 1996; Lewis, Sugai, &
Colvin, 1998; Walker, Colvin & Ramsey, 1995; Walker, Ramsey
& Gresham, 2004). The National Institute of Mental Health
(2002) and others (see Costello et al. 2001; Egger and Angold,
2006; U.S. Public Health Service, 2000), estimate that as many
as 20% of American youth experience emotional and/or behavior
problems. It’s also estimated that approximately one in ten U.S.
youth display some degree of more severe conduct problems
(McMahon & Estes, 1997).
Considering these statistics, it’s clear that many educators
and parents are struggling with high levels of stress and lack of
certainty regarding how to support children in the development
of emotional and behavioral health (Graf et al, 2014; Shapiro,
et al, 2008). Supporting these concerns is the growing frequency
and intensity of emotional and behavioral problems observed by
classroom educators (Bromfield, 2006; Cotton, 1990; Daniels,

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2009; Fideler & Haselkorn, 1999; Fields, 2000; Garret, 2014;

Lundeen, 2002).
In 1974, Foster Cline, M.D., a child psychiatrist treating
severely disturbed children, and Jim Fay, a classroom educator
and successful administrator sought to integrate diverse theoretical
perspectives with the goal of developing a set of practical and
effective strategies for helping parents support the emotional
and behavioral health of their children. Their research-based
approach was first formalized in the books Parenting with Love
and Logic (Cline & Fay, 1990), Parenting Teens with Love and
Logic (Cline & Fay, 1992), and Teaching with Love and Logic
(Fay & Funk, 1995). Since that time, national and international
demand for information on their approach has resulted in
over fifty publications outlining its application to community
parent-training initiatives and the improvement of academic
achievement, parent-teacher relationships, classroom management,
schoolwide culture, and marriage relationships. Currently,
over 12,000 trainers offer this approach in the U.S, England,
Mexico, Canada, Argentina, Brazil, Norway, Israel, Australia,
and other countries.

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Literature Review
The Love and Logic approach is based on the following process,
integrating a wide array of established theory and research:

Educators and parents

perceive the intervention
as useful and practical.

Educators and parents

learn to:

Nuture positive and supportive relationships with their

children.

Teach social and emotional competencies through

modeling and instruction.

Prevent social and emotional problems rather than

reacting with punishment.

Children develop emotional

and behavioral health/resiliency.

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EDUCATORS AND PARENTS PERCEIVE

THE INTERVENTION AS USEFUL AND PRACTICAL.

Unfortunately, evidence-based approaches to parenting and classroom

management are not always received with enthusiasm by those
they are intended to help: parents and teachers. A common
complaint is that these approaches take too much time and are
impractical given the daily realities of homes and classrooms
(Carnine, 1997; Kern & Manz, 2004).
The construct of social validity, according to Wolf (1978), defines
the perceived value consumers place on a product. Interventions
enjoying high social validity are not only perceived as being effective
in experimentally controlled settings, but are also viewed as needed
and applicable within the serious time limitations experienced
by today’s parents and educators (Albin et al., 1996; Graf et al,
2014; Kazdin et al, 1997; Schwartz & Baer, 1991; Spoth &
Redmond, 1995; Witt & Elliott, 1985).
The international popularity of the Love and Logic approach
suggests its social validity. Further, Clarke (2004), evaluating pre-
and post-rating of parents trained in the approach observed that
91.4% of the 637 parents sampled reported imported improvements
in their parental experience as a result of using the techniques
learned in the course, and 76.5% reported improvements in
their children’s behavior. Anecdotes collected after the training
also supported its perceived value:

I don’t fly off the handle when dealing with him (son). I feel
better instead of yelling all of the time. (p.1)

I sent my paperwork home to my mother, who is keeping my

children while I am in prison. She is now using Love and
Logic. She enjoys the techniques with the children. She also
stated that it helps a whole lot. (p.1)

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Offering Love and Logic training to 22 high school teachers,

Johnson (2014) observed the following:

There was a statistically significant change between pre- and

post-study responses (p=.0004) regarding teachers’ perception
of Love and Logic’s importance to the school, starting with 75%
unsure of its importance but ending with 65% indicating
that it was important or very important. Similarly, 85% of the
participants were undecided about their feelings concerning
Love and Logic prior to the study, but 90% felt positive or
very positive about it after the study (p<.0001.). (pp. 67-70)

Fay (2012) in a study of 2,409 parents representing a wide range

of socio-economic and ethnic groups observed an 18% reduction
in self-reported parenting stress (p<.001) and a 21% reduction in
perceived child behavioral problems (p<.001) from pre-Love and
Logic training to post. Statistically significant improvements (all
p<.001) were also observed for the ratings listed below:

Mean Ratings
Pre Love and Logic Post Love and Logic

I find myself staying calm when 2.89 3.62

I have to discipline.

I find myself feeling really stressed out. 3.09 2.41

My child argues and talks back. 3.44 2.63

My child throws tantrums or “fits.” 2.95 2.30

My child completes chores without 2.38 2.85

reminders or pay.

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Participants also provided qualitative responses to, “Identify

the most valuable thing you learned in this class.” Select responses
are included below:

• Remembering to whisper when I feel like yelling.

• Parenting is fun… not simply something to be endured.
• It’s so much easier to not get into power struggles and
arguments now that I know the way to do it. I feel a lot
more calm about discipline.
• This class has helped me calm down and not get so frustrated!
• How to control myself, not my child. I react differently
now and so does he. More positive interaction over conflict.
• Empathy, empathy, empathy! Because anger is my old
pattern and because empathy helps me calmly think about
appropriate actions/consequences.
• I loved it. I plan to bring my mother to a session. (p. 9)

EDUCATORS AND PARENTS LEARN TO NURTURE

POSITIVE AND SUPPORTIVE PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS.

Positive adult-child relationships are the single most powerful

environmental factor affecting the lifelong adjustment of children
(Foshee & Bauman, 1994; Regalado and Halfon, 2002; Seeley,
Stice, & Rohde, 2009; Sheeber, Hops, Alpert, Davis, & Andrews,
1997; Stice, Ragan, & Randall, 2004). In their recent study of
692 children in grades 3, 6, and 9, Hazel, et al (2014) observed
that those experiencing positive and supportive parent-child
relationships were far less likely to succumb to stress-related
mental illness and behavior problems when confronted with
common developmental stressors.
The adult-child relationship has also been observed as a powerful
factor reducing the likelihood of academic failure (Clark, Dogan
& Akbar, 2003; Heaven & Newbury, 2004; Robertson & Reynolds,

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2010), drug use and other forms of delinquency (Huebner &

Betts, 2002; Laundra, Kiger & Bahr, 2002), sexual risk-taking
(Huebner & Howell, 2003; Ream & Savin-Williams, 2005;
Karofsky, Zeng & Kosorok, 2000) and even internet and video
game addiction (Kwon, Chung & Lee, 2009; Lee, Honk &
Park, 2005).
Evidence strongly suggests that healthy relationships are most
effectively fostered when educators and parents employ a dynamic
balance between providing affection and necessary limits (Dishion
1990; Eisenberg and Murphy, 1995; Grusec & Goodnow, 1994;
Maccoby & Martin, 1983; Richaud, Mesurado & Lemos, 2013).
These findings support Baumrind’s (1991; 1996) observation
that effective parents employ an authoritative style rather than
an authoritarian or permissive one. Cline and Fay (1990), two
founding members of the Love and Logic process, encourage
parents to adopt a “consultant” style of parenting, closely resembling
Baumrind’s authoritative style:

Love and Logic parents (and teachers) avoid the helicopter

and drill sergeant mentalities by using a consultant style
of parenting as early as possible in the child’s life. They ask
their children questions and offer choices. Instead of telling
their children what to do, they put the burden of decision
making on their kids’ shoulders. They establish options within
limits. Thus, by the time the children become teens, they are
used to making good decisions. (p. 27)

We as parents (and educators) must show our empathy…

our sincere loving concern… when the consequences hit.
That’s what drives the lesson home with our children
without making them feel as though we’re not “on their
side.” (p.103)

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EDUCATORS AND PARENTS LEARN TO

TEACH SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL COMPETENCIES.

Children are not born with the social and emotional skills required
for success in life. When young people are explicitly shown these
skills, are given opportunities to practice, and receive supportive
feedback, dramatic improvements are often demonstrated in a
variety of areas, including social skills (Gresham, Bao, & Cook,
2006) and anger management (Barnoski, 2004; Glick, & Gibbs,
2011; Mitchell, 2009).
More specifically, children must be given opportunities to
observe and practice problem-solving skills. These opportunities
require that (1) caring adults teach these competencies through
modeling, instruction, and coaching; and (2) children are allowed
to solve the problems they create (Foster, Prinz, & O’Leary, 1983;
Kerr & Bowen, 1988) and children enjoy opportunities to develop
self-efficacy (Bandura, 1977).
Spivak and Sure (1974) in their pioneering research on social
problem solving, have noted that modeling and direct instruction
are key strategies for teaching problem-solving skills. Similar
propositions have been made by Bandura, 1976; Bandura &
Jeffery, 1973; Cormier & Cormier ,1991. Therefore, the Love
and Logic approach gives parents specific guidelines for using
modeling, direct instruction, and feedback to teach the following
problem-solving process:

1. Identify and define the problem.

2. Brainstorm solutions.
3. Evaluate each solution.
4. Implement the solution chosen.

Research supporting this problem-solving model is supported

by D’Zurilla (1986), as well as Cormier and Cormier (1991).

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EDUCATORS AND PARENTS LEARN TO

PREVENT SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.

Highly effective approaches focus primarily on prevention, while

less effective ones focus on punishment (Clunies-Ross et al,
2008; Lewis, Sugai & Colvin, 1998; Mayer & Sulzer-Azaroff,
1991). Interventions targeting the development of positive,
supportive, and structured home environments provide powerful
and cost-effective opportunities to prevent many of the social,
emotional, behavioral, and academic problems facing our youth
(Englund, Luckner, Whaley, & Egeland, 2004; Fan & Chen,
2001; Ganzach, 2000; Patterson, Reid, & Dishion, 1992;
Pomerantz, Ng, & Wang, 2006; Walker, Colvin, & Ramsey.
1995; Walker, 1998.)
Schroeder and Kelley (2009) note:
An accumulating body of literature has shown that positive
school discipline and parenting characterized by warmth,
sensitivity, expressiveness, and adequate limit setting is
associated with children’s inhibition and ability to maintain
attention (Eisenberg et al. 2005), self-control (Le Cuyer-
Maus and Houck 2002), and behavior problems (Bradley
and Corwyn 2005). (p.228)

Schroeder and Kelly’s (2009) data corroborates these findings,

showing significant and positive relationships between parental
warmth, limits, and structure and the development of metacognitive
skills essential for self-control. Clearly, many emotional and
behavioral problems can be successfully managed, or prevented
altogether, when parents (and educators) provide supportive
relationships, caring climates, clear boundaries, supervision,
appropriate consequences for violating boundaries, high yet develop-
mentally appropriate expectations, and other resiliency factors (Barber
& Olson, 1997; Benson et al, 1994; Benson, 2006; Larson, et al, 2004).

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Cerdorian (2006), in her study of 374 parents, observed that

those completing Love and Logic parenting classes reported dra-
matic and statistically significant reductions in parenting stress
and behavior problems from pre-test to post.

Overall, stress related to the parenting role significantly

decreased for parents in both treatment groups. While overall,
the stress level of the comparison group increased over the
time of the study, the parents who attended classes were less
stressed in their parenting role by the completion of classes.
Among treatment group parents of children one month to
eleven years, 44.9%, and treatment group parents of youth
11 to 18, 43.5%, had clinically significant stress levels prior
to the intervention of parenting classes. This decreased to
23.9% and 27.8% respectively, after the set of classes was
completed. The study also supported a statistically significant
decrease in perceived problem behavior for parents of children
one month to eleven years. (pp. 105-106)

EDUCATORS AND PARENTS LEARN HOW TO ESTABLISH

AND REINFORCE APPROPRIATELY HIGH EXPECTATIONS.

High expectations are essential to the prevention of emotional,

behavioral, and academic problems in both home and school
environments. While Rosenthal and Jacobson’s (1968) classic
Pygmalion study has been questioned on methodological
grounds, the overall body of research conducted since that time
clearly shows that the cultures of highly successful schools and
homes are epitomized by high expectations (Bond & Saunders,
1999; Eccles, Wigfield, & Schiefele, 1998; Englund, Luckner,
Whaley, & Egeland, 2004; Fan & Chen, 2001; Flouril, &
Hawkes, 2008; Ganzach, 2000; Goyette & Xie, 1999; Good,
& Nichols, 2001; Juang & Silbereisen, 2002; Mistry, 2007;

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Sandefur, Meier, & Campbell, 2006; Zhang, Haddad, Torres,

& Chuansheng, 2011). Notably, Doren, Gau, and Lindstrom
(2012) followed a nationally representative sample of over eleven
thousand 13- to 17-year-old special education students and their
parents. Those whose parents communicated high expectations
were at least twice as likely to graduate from high school, obtain
a job, and engage in post-secondary education.

EDUCATORS AND PARENTS “SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE.”

The challenges facing children are complex and multidimensional,

affected by a variety of interacting systems. As such, intervention
programs are far more likely to achieve effective and sustainable
outcomes when they take a social-ecological perspective
(Bronfenbrenner, 1979; Bronfenbrenner & Morris, 2006;
Minuchin, 1985; Salzinger, Feldman, Stockhammer, & Hood,
2001) where protective factors are promoted in both the family
and the school systems.
Crowe (2013), in a longitudinal study of 1,364 children in
ten U.S. communities, observed that home-school cooperation
in children’s education, particularly when this cooperation begins
early in the child’s school career, contributes to significantly
improved school success. The Love and Logic approach places
heavy emphasis on the development of cooperative and consistent
home and school environments where parents and educators are
“speaking the same language” and working toward the same goal
of fostering emotional and behavioral health among children
and teens.
Training elementary school teachers, Weir (1997) observed
high levels of teacher “buy-in” and use of the program in this
school. After implementing this program: (a) 87% of teachers
reported having more effective tools for managing student
behavior; (b) 84% reported improved relationships with their
students; (c) 68% reported decreased time spent managing

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behavior disruptions; (d) 71% reported increased time spent

teaching curriculum; and (e) 82% reported having more control
over discipline. Weir also observed a 48% decrease in the number
of main office referrals for discipline during the first year this
school applied the Love and Logic program.
Ridgeview Global Academy is a charter elementary school in
Central Florida with over 600 students, grades K–5. During the
2001-2002 school year, staff were trained in the Love and Logic
approach (Frier, 2003). After making this one change, dramatic
improvement was observed: Referrals to the office for misbehavior
decreased from 380 during the 2000–2001 school year to 116
during the 2002-2003 school year. A large reduction in referrals
related to misbehavior on the school buses was also noted: 509
(2000-2001 school year) reduced to 142 (2002-2003 school year).
Spencer (2008), in a pilot study of thirty-three schools
in Georgia, provided Love and Logic teacher training across
elementary, middle, and high school levels:

75% of those trained agreed that Love and Logic “Positively
impacts my school’s learning environment.”
71% agreed that the program “Positively impacts student
achievement in my school.”
75% agreed that “Instructional time is maximized throughout
my school.”

Using single-subject methodology, Mckenna (1997) examined

the effects of a Love and Logic on a nine-year-old student’s academic
motivation, personal hygiene, classroom behavior, general
demeanor, and self-concept. Teacher ratings and anecdotal
observations revealed improved personal hygiene, an elevated
frequency of positive peer and adult interactions and increased
rates of homework completion. Pre- and post-test scores on the

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Pierrs-Harris Self-Concept scale revealed a statistically significant

16-point improvement over the course of intervention.
Fay (2007) examined the results of training nearly 1,000
elementary and middle school teachers in the Love and Logic
approach. Pre-test to post-ratings revealed statistically significant
(all p<.001) for the ratings listed below:

Mean Ratings
Pre Love and Logic Post Love and Logic

The most behaviorally

challenging students:

argue with me. 3.18 2.74

interrupt me. 3.78 3.00

cooperate with me. 2.92 3.37

refuse to do their work. 3.04 2.59

solve their own problems 2.80 3.43

with guidance.

As an educator, I find myself:

being really stressed out 2.85 2.42

and exhausted.

feeling confident that I can 3.62 4.09

handle discipline problems.

enjoying good relationships 3.59 3.99

with challenging students.

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Recently, Johnson (2014) trained twenty-two high school

teachers in the Love and Logic approach. Each was asked to
provide ratings pre-training and post. Results of quantitative
analyses revealed the following:

t p

I have a successful process to help 6.64 <.0001

disruptive students recover so they
can get back on task.

I enjoy students, even behaviorally 4.23 .0003

challenging ones.

I am skilled with preventative 5.74 <.0001

interventions for a variety of student
misbehaviors.

I feel stressed because of problems -2.30 .0314

with students.

I am successful with students who 6.14 <.0001

get argumentative.

Qualitative data also provided some promising results:

Many indicated that the technique worked in their classroom

and beyond by stating they had “learned a better way to speak
to students and others,” that it deescalated defensiveness and
rebellion in students and others, and it “had a positive impact
on classes of students at school and at church.” Many pointed
out that it had a positive effect on their most challenging

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students, those they generally struggled to reach. For example,

one participant commented, “I learned that I can’t force
anyone to do anything, so I have to reword my statements so
I can actually enforce them.” (p. 83)

Theoretical Roots of the Love and Logic Approach

The Love and Logic Theory is the result of over four decades of
clinical practice and research integrating five theoretical perspectives:

Behavioral Theory

Shared dignity and respect

Social
Resiliency
Shared thinking and problem solving Learning
Theories
Theory
Shared control within limits

Sincere empathy

Positive adult-child relationships

Relationship and Cognitive and

Human Need Theories Attribution Theories

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BEHAVIORAL THEORIES.

Antecedent and other contextual stimuli develop the ability to

cue emotional and behavioral processes through the dynamic
interplay between classical and operant conditioning (Pavlov,
1927; Skinner, 1953, 1974; Thorndike, 1911), and Watson &
Rayner, 1920). As such, Fay and Cline argue that effective home
and school interventions must address the role played by adults
in these conditioning processes. Some primary objectives of the
Love and Logic approach are as follows:

• Parents and teachers are paired with positive emotions and

outcomes, so they automatically elicit these responses in
the children they care for.
• Academic learning and responsible behavior are also paired
with positive emotions and outcomes, so books and good
behavior automatically elicit these emotions.
• Youth learn through wise application of reinforcement
principles that good behavior is far more rewarding than
bad.
• Once desired behaviors are established, maintenance and
generalization is enhanced through the use of variable
reinforcement schedules (Ferster & Skinner, 1957) and
social reinforcement (Hall, Lund, & Jackson, 1968).

While behavioral theories and associated practices provide

powerful strategies for establishing and maintaining desired
behaviors, Fay and Cline were concerned with their inability to
adequately address the roles played by vicarious learning and
underlying cognitive and emotional processes. Therefore, they
sought to address these potential shortcomings by integrating
additional theory and research.

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SOCIAL LEARNING THEORY.

In their classic study, Bandura, Ross, and Ross (1961) observed

that children watching vignettes of an actor hitting a “Bobo”
doll were more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior themselves.
In later investigations, Bandura also documented that modeling
results in far more than simple mimicry; children learn complex
rules governing cause and effect by simply observing those
around them (Bandura & Jeffery, 1973; Bandura, 1977). Based
on these observations, Fay and Cline propose the following:

• What we do is at least as important as what we say.

• Therefore, parents and educators with a high skill level in
Love and Logic place a heavy emphasis on controlling their
own behavior so they can remain effective models.
• Effective parents and educators also engage in healthy
self-care, including the appropriate setting and enforcement
of boundaries, so they can remain positive models.

COGNITIVE AND ATTRIBUTION THEORIES.

Social Learning Theory provides a bridge from traditional behavioral

theory to approaches recognizing the role played by cognitive processes.
Of great interest is the construct of vicarious reinforcement, where
the likelihood of an observed behavior being copied is a function
of whether it was observed being rewarded (Bandura, 1965;
Bandura, Ross, & Ross, 1963; Bandura, et al, 1967). Clearly,
this type of learning requires complex cognitive processes.
Rescorla (1988) also provides compelling evidence regarding
the role played by cognition in basic conditioning processes,
arguing that the “information value” of stimuli may be more
important than the precise temporal connection between them.
Stated simply, stimuli that consistently predict certain events are
more likely to leave us believing that they are important. When

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parents and educators consistently enforce the limits they set,

these stated limits gain high information value.
These provocative finding have particular relevance when
considering the subject of child maltreatment. A common
argument made by proponents of strict behaviorism is that
consequences must be provided immediately after an infraction.
Fay and Cline contend that a significant portion of abuse in
homes (and schools) results from parents trying to provide
discipline in the “heat of the moment.” Rescorla’s work suggests
otherwise. As a result, the Love and Logic approach emphasizes:

• When you are too angry to think straight, delay the

consequence.
• Effective parents and educators are most concerned with
providing appropriate consequences that teach pro-social
behavior, than administering quick ones that may or
may not achieve this goal.
• The “information value” of a parent or teacher’s words
is more important than how quickly they provide
consequences. Too many adults make rash threats and
find that they are unable to follow through on the
discipline they promise. Under these circumstances, the
attempts to provide immediate consequences actually
undermine their disciplinary goals.
• When children observe adults controlling their own
behavior by delaying action until they are calm, they have
an opportunity to learn these same self-regulation skills.

Festinger’s (1957) Theory of Cognitive Dissonance has

significantly shaped the Love and Logic theory of change,
particularly as it applies to modifying children’s attitudes toward
academic achievement and positive behavior. According to
Festinger, an uncomfortable state of “cognitive dissonance”

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develops when individuals perform behaviors inconsistent with

their beliefs. To relieve this discomfort, a person has two basic
options: (1) stop performing the behavior; or (2) change one’s
beliefs to align with the behavior. Practical implications of this
theory present themselves when attribution processes are considered.
Attitude change resulting from cognitive dissonance is less likely
to occur when individuals are able to attribute the inconsistent
behavior to external pressures or temptations. Conversely, beliefs
are more likely to align with new behavior when such external
sources of justification are absent.
A study by Aronson and Carlsmith (1963) demonstrated
these processes at work in an early childhood classroom. Both
groups of children were told not to play with a newly introduced
toy. One group was warned of significant consequences if they broke
the rule. A second group was warned of only mild consequences
for breaking this rule. Not surprisingly, the children warned of
more significant consequences rated the toy as being far more
appealing than those warned of only mild ones. From a theoretical
standpoint, dissonance was reduced in the significant consequence
group because the children were able to reason, “If I played with
the toy knowing that I would be in big trouble, that toy must
really be something special! How could I help myself?”
As a result of these and other findings, the Love and Logic
theory of change places heavy emphasis on the following:

• Effective parents and educators avoid providing threats and

lectures, because doing so provides children with an opportunity
to attribute rule breaking and rule following to external
variables, rather than new and more positive attitudes.
• Effective parents and educators also rely as little as possible
on promising children tangible rewards for desired behavior.
While appropriate in certain circumstances, doing so
provides an opportunity for young people to attribute

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their good behavior to the promised reward rather than a

changed mind.
• Behavior and attitude change is primarily achieved by allowing
children to learn from modeling, direct instruction,
positive feedback on performance, and opportunities to
solve the problems they create.

Attributions also have a powerful impact on academic

achievement motivation. According to Weiner (1979), high
achievers are more likely to attribute their performance to
controllable factors, such as their level of effort or perseverance.
Low achievers, in contrast, tend to attribute performance to
uncontrollable factors, such as luck, the actions of others, or
intelligence. A strong body of research has consistently supported
these propositions (Diener, C. & Dweck, C.,1978; Dweck & Leggett,
1988; Elliott & Dweck, 1988; Diener & Dweck, 1980, 2000, 2012).
Interestingly, Mueller and Dweck (1998) observed a consistent
effect across six studies: Children praised for ability were less
likely to persevere when confronted with difficult tasks, displayed
less enjoyment of such tasks and actually performed more poorly
than those who’ve received feedback emphasizing effort.
Based on this body of research, the Love and Logic theory of
change posits the following:

• The focus must be placed on helping children see the contri-

bution of personal effort and perseverance to achievement.
• Effective parents and educators replace feedback like,
“That’s great! You are so smart” with “How did you achieve
that? Did you work really hard or keep trying?”
• Adults model healthy attributions by thinking out loud
around young people, allowing them to overhear statements
such as, “This was really challenging for me, but I’m glad
that I kept trying.”

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RELATIONSHIP AND HUMAN NEED THEORIES.

The Love and Logic theory of change was strongly shaped by the
clinical experiences of Fay and Cline suggesting that treatment
gains and maintenance of such gains suffered when underlying
physical and emotional needs were not considered. Converging
with this clinical experience is the work of Maslow (1943), Glasser
(1969), and Rogers (1957, 1961), suggesting that optimal
outcomes are only possible when such needs are met within
the context of supportive, accepting relationships. Supporting
this early theory is the strong body of research addressed above
documenting the supreme importance of positive parent-child
and teacher-student relationships. Therefore, the Love and Logic
theory of change proposes the following:

• Positive relationships are inherently therapeutic.

• Parents and educators must understand that the effectiveness
of all interventions hinges on the quality of the adult-child
relationship and the child’s social connection with the
classroom and family team.
• Children must feel physically and emotionally safe. Otherwise,
these needs will take precedence over pro-social behavior
and academic motivation.
• Parents and educators must allow children to experience
freedom within appropriate developmental limits.
• Effective educators and parents help build self-efficacy
by guiding children toward genuine, effort-based success
experiences.
• Effective educators and parents have fun while teaching
and parenting, and they help children see that learning and
behaving can be enjoyable.

Resiliency Theories. Benson, Galbraith, and Espeland (1995)

in their study of 270,000 students grades six through twelve,

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observed a number of “developmental assets” which help children

avoid academic failure, emotional problems, criminal behavior,
substance abuse, and other negative outcomes. Similar findings
have been obtained by others (see Garmezy, 1994; Luthar & Zigler,
1991; Masten & Coatsworth, 1998; Werner & Smith, 1992).
Resiliency factors directly addressed by the Love and Logic theory
of change are as follows:

• Highly supportive and loving families and schools.

• Parents who establish open communication with their children.
• Positive parent-teacher relationships and parent involvement.
• Positive school climate.
• Appropriate standards for behavior at home and school
(i.e., limits).
• Positive school and parental discipline.
• Positive relationships between children and adults other
than parents.
• Learning to use empathy with others.
• Decision-making skills.
• Self-esteem.

Current Research Initiative

At this time, ongoing research is being conducted, continuing
to examine the effectiveness of the Love and Logic parent and
educator training programs using quasi-experimental methods.
If you are interested in participating, please contact Dr. Charles
Fay at [email protected].

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 Index

academic problems, 182, 186, 232, apathy, 119, 184, 189, 191
235, 248 dealing with, 203 (fig.)
prevention of, 236 appointments, 60, 221
acceptance, 188, 191, 210 arguing, 1, 21, 22, 54, 60, 94, 96,
accommodation, 207, 210 239, 240
accountability, 7, 184, 189, 196 avoiding, 59 (fig.), 62, 226
achievement, 7, 182, 183 brain dead and, 55-57
academic, 36, 188, 228, 244, 246 neutralizing, 61
effort and, 189, 246 reasoning and, 56
feelings of, 201, 204 arousal, baseline levels of, 35-36
motivation for, 201 attitude, 64, 246
neurological basis for, 186 dealing with, 19, 80-81, 223
problems with, 220 attribution theory, 241, 243-246
rewarding, 186 authority, 5, 47, 233
ADD, 208 challenging, 35, 101
addiction, 190, 233 authority figures, 46, 56, 98
ADHD, 135 calm/loving, 54, 57, 102, 134
anger, 15, 59, 63, 87, 113, 209, 210
avoiding, 41, 76, 80 back talk, 54-55, 61
managing, 234 bargaining, 209-211
using, 78-83, 84, 85 Baumrind, D.: authoritative style
anxiety, 15, 113, 192, 199 and, 233

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 TEACHING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC — TAKING CONTROL OF THE CLASSROOM

behavior, 3, 64, 84, 137, 184, chronic, 112

212-213 dealing with, 10-12, 28, 40, 120,
academic performance and, 7, 36 157, 239
aggressive, 38, 95, 243 intensity of, 227
attitude change and, 246 prevention of, 236
classroom, 238 recovery and, 119
considering, 49, 221 reduction in, 231
controlling, 5, 111-112, 243 talking about, 131
criminal, 248 blame, 73, 142, 206, 225
desired, 51, 141, 242 assigning, 76, 78, 79
disruptive, 114, 144, 227 blow-ups, avoiding, 139-140
excuses for, 73 bonding, elements of, 143-144, 146,
improving, 6, 121, 131, 230, 245 190-191
law of, 185 bothering others, 49, 194, 200
locking, 48 boundaries, 188
manipulative, 40 establishing, 50, 56, 71
modifying, 143, 150 violation of, 235
negative, 64 brain
obnoxious, 2, 182 learning and, 188
observing, 135, 243 prioritizing by, 187
old techniques and, 51 brain dead
out-of-control, 143 arguing and, 55-57
overt, 23 going, 57-58
positive, 244 brainstorming, 118, 163, 234
pro-social, 247 bullying, dealing with, 141
processes, 141, 242
resistive, 40 calming down, 27, 29, 128, 130, 219
responsible, 242 experiments with, 133
standards for, 248 calmness, 58, 61, 84, 88, 144, 147,
valuing, 64 200, 211, 214
win-win process and, 219 culture of, 142
behavior management, 3, 33, 151, caring, 1, 11, 58, 63, 77, 89
237-238 caring too much to argue, 62
classroom, 191 “catch-them-when-they-are-good”
consequences and, 154 technique, 64, 191, 197
strategies for, 126 cause and effect, 76, 164, 243
behavior problems, 39, 51, 206, cell phones, distractions from,
220, 232, 235 81-82
anticipating, 148-149 challenges, 10, 13, 35, 101, 201, 222

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 TEACHING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC — TAKING CONTROL OF THE CLASSROOM

challenging students, 26, 33, 240 Cline, Foster W., 70, 71, 72, 74,
handling, 43, 64 244, 247
psychological/social realities choices and, 105
of, 35 Love and Logic approach and,
strong teachers and, 42 207, 233, 242
as threats, 40 shoplifting and, 73
traits of, 239 strategies by, 228
change, theory of, 245-246, 247 teacher training courses and, 86
character building, 70, 74 cognitive dissonance, 191-192,
choices 244, 245
as bad guy, 89 cognitive theories, 241, 242, 243-246
consequences and, 72 communication, 95, 248
good, 99, 100, 177, 233 with parents, 221
guidelines for, 103 (fig.) community service, 73, 75, 89
making, 29, 82, 93, 98, 102, 105, compassion, 41, 63, 210
106, 165 competency, 188, 189
offering, 42, 91, 92, 93, 95, 96, emotional, 229, 234
99, 100-102, 103-104, 103 social, 229, 234
(fig.), 105, 106, 109, 111, 166 compliance, 10, 38, 195, 198
options for, 98-99 conditioning processes, 242, 243
poor, 14, 20, 56, 57, 71, 72, 76, 77, confidence, message of, 162, 192
78, 79, 89, 102, 154, 165, 174 consequences, 20, 79, 80, 134, 146,
quality of, 29, 109 184, 196, 223, 233
small, 91, 102, 109, 111 allowing, 107, 210
success story with, 106-109 avoiding, 3, 5, 34, 37
threats and, 100, 106 as badge of honor, 36
chores, 49, 50, 189 choices and, 72
classical conditioning, 242 delayed, 15, 30, 88-89, 102, 244
classroom management, 5-6, delivering, 3, 14, 15, 32, 33, 41,
147, 228 75, 76, 86, 125, 140, 147, 149,
behavioral routines and, 141 153, 154, 155, 169, 184, 195
evidence-based approaches to, 230 empathy and, 72, 87
experiments in, 157 energy drains and, 169
relationships and, 5 finding, 24, 25, 73, 78
struggling with, 140, 153 as gifts, 70
successful, 137 at home, 223
classwork, 145 immediate, 14-15, 16, 244
refusing, 10, 119, 139-140, 199, infractions and, 14, 32, 33, 153
200, 239 learning from, 78, 83, 89

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list of, 20 conversations

logical, 14, 71, 169, 195, 244 controlling, 104
mistakes and, 72 effectiveness of, 199
negative, 98 inquisitive, 199-201
pain of, 74 cool-down time, 10, 15-16
positive, 98 cooperation, 4, 11, 94, 111, 130,
prescribed, 40 134, 147, 218, 223, 239
problems and, 24 gaining, 97, 98, 224
punishment and, 194-196 home-school, 237
recovery and, 125 creativity, 121, 187
rewards and, 154 credibility, 6, 46, 47
rules and, 32, 33, 36, 39, 245 culture
saving, 153-155 classroom, 138, 139, 147
significant, 15, 33, 245 highway, 142
special persons and, 25-27 school, 138, 140
special situations and, 25-27 schoolwide, 228
stating, 166 curriculum, 140, 141, 202
suffering, 7
thinking about, 41 decision making, 98, 102, 193, 233
value of, 78 allowing for, 165
viewing, 40 responsibility for, 42
consistency, 32, 45 tough, 116
achieving, 40 defiance, 14, 45, 94-95, 101
traditional systems and, 39 denial, 208-209, 210
control, 54, 153, 139, 192, 196, depression, 56, 210
217, 232 detention, 124, 137, 146, 195
battles, 193 difficult parents, 43
drive for, 94, 102 dealing with, 14, 211, 214, 215-
giving, 93, 94, 95, 97, 104, 109 216, 219
health, 188 grief/loss and, 212
losing, 13, 16, 38, 40, 46, 47, dignity, 225, 241
94, 101 empathy and, 222
maintaining, 17, 49, 92-95 maintaining, 21, 41, 62
need for, 95, 109, 192-193, 216 misbehavior and, 23
regaining, 47 mutual, 21, 41, 61-62
savings account of, 91-92 treating others with, 25, 217
sharing, 41, 62, 95-98, 98-106, violation of, 120
111, 241 disabilities
withdrawing, 92-93 developmental, 113

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 TEACHING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC — TAKING CONTROL OF THE CLASSROOM

learning, 190 preventing, 235, 236

discipline, 40, 41, 195 recovery and, 119
handling, 10, 76 emotional state, thinking state and, 217
heavy-duty, 137 emotions, 84, 242
love and, 74 empathy and, 213-214
parental, 248 expressing, 213-214
policy, 16 empathy, 20, 79, 82, 139, 233
positive, 56 consequences and, 72, 87
recovery and, 123 difficulties with, 83-85
respect and, 74 dignity and, 222
school, 32, 248 emotions and, 213-214
disruptions, 10, 129, 139, 172, 194 expressing, 72, 74, 76, 84, 86, 87,
behavior, 238 88, 112, 127, 162, 210, 211,
dealing with, 115, 116, 130, 227 213-214, 219, 224
preventing/minimizing, 133, 149, limits and, 67
152 (fig.) natural, 85-87
disruptive students problem solving and, 76-78
audiences for, 126-129 sanity and, 89
helping, 240 sincere, 41, 58, 77, 184, 196,
removing, 115, 116, 120-122, 200, 241
126-129, 130 thinking and, 232
teaching and, 117 understanding of, 86
divide and conquer, 12-13, 129 using, 58, 60-63, 70, 80, 85, 87,
do we have to do this?, 81 107, 150, 160, 161, 166, 168,
doing something, 25, 89 173, 196, 210, 212, 232, 248
delayed consequences and, 30 energy drains, 168-171
power of, 14-15, 16 fixing, 169, 171-173
dreams, death of, 206-208 replacement options for, 169-170, 171
drugs, 25, 81, 233 enforceable statements, 62
due process, 28, 31 sample of, 51-52
dysfunctional groups, breaking up, 132 setting limits with, 63
thinking words and, 50
education entitlement, 3, 36-38, 57
choices and, 98 expectations, 7
formal, 46 high, 236-237
post-secondary, 237 positive, 66
research in, 71 experimentation, 82, 164, 210,
theory in, 71, 74 211-212
emotional problems, 133, 191, 227, 248 eye contact, 190-191, 213

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face-to-face contacts, 220, 221 fighting words

facial expressions, importance thinking words versus, 42,
of, 23 51-52
fairness, 27-28, 40, 222 using, 46-48, 51-52
Fay, Charles, 178, 182, 184, 185, Five Principles of Love and Logic, 61
186, 187, 243, 247, 248 Freeman, Karen, 182, 183, 184
control and, 97 friends, lack of, 165, 167
empathy and, 77 From Bad Grades to a Great Life
enforceable statements and, 53 (Cline and Fay), 204
expectations and, 66 frustration, 59, 108, 129, 222
lecturing and, 47 Funk, Dave, 62, 103-104
limits and, 145
motivation and, 204 gifts, emphasizing, 197-198
problem solving and, 164 grief, 213, 219
recovery and, 122 process of, 208-210
situational awareness and, 147 Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their
Fay, Jim, 45, 60, 72, 74-75, 77-78, Problems (Ogden), 158, 159,
157, 212, 218 160-161, 162, 173, 176, 178
burn-out and, 159 gum chewing, rule about, 22
choices and, 100 Gwynn, Carol: energy replacement
consequences and, 88, 154 list of, 170
control and, 91, 95
empathy and, 87 handshakes, 190, 213
learning environment and, hard work, 165
117-118 accomplishment and, 204
Love and Logic approach and, health
207, 233, 239, 242 behavioral, 227, 229, 237
parental cooperation and, 224 emotional, 227, 229, 237
recovery and, 116-117, 125 mental, 189, 190
shoplifting and, 73 physical, 188, 189
strategies by, 228 “heart to heart” talks, after school,
teacher training courses and, 86 131-132
thinking words and, 48-49 help, offering, 21, 51, 139, 140,
yelling and, 70 146, 163
feedback, 167, 234, 246 homework, 97
Festinger, L.: Theory of Cognitive completing, 238
Dissonance of, 244 help with, 50
fighting, 55 problems with, 80, 139, 222-223
suspension for, 78-80 hope, 4, 188

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How I Run my Love and Logic language, 62

Classroom, 43 body, 216
“How I Run my Love and Logic nonverbal, 23
Classroom” (poster), speaking same, 237-241
20, 111 Las Vegas Plan, 202
human dynamics, healthy, 30-32 leadership, 151, 153
human need theories, 241 skills/children with, 2
relationships and, 247-248 suicide, 56
humor, using, 60, 144, 150, 194 learning, 195, 242
hyperactivity, 113, 135 battles of, 5, 10, 139-140, 182
brain and, 76, 188
I noticed statements, using, 7, 8, 9, compromising, 196
59, 64, 65, 66, 67, 130 cooperative, 111
impulsivity, 113, 135 empathy/consequences and, 72
information higher-order, 187
collecting, 213, 219 joy of, 182
lack of, 166 lifelong, 186
value, 243, 244 motivation for, 201
infractions, 32 opportunities/providing, 51
consequences and, 14, 32 price tag of, 177
insecurity, 23, 88 problems with, 113, 182
Insiders’ Club tips, 224 real-world, 176
interruptions, 1, 129, 215, 239 relationships and, 198
interventions, 88-89, 112, 229, 236 thinking and, 198
academic, 183 truce over, 192-194
disciplinary, 41 learning environment,
one-sentence, 16, 17, 36, 42, 59 maintaining, 116-118, 117
(fig.), 64, 67, 130,138-139, (fig.), 122
191-192, 220 lectures, 47, 59, 63, 69, 70, 71, 83,
positive, 119, 235 105, 146, 172, 174, 195
preventative, 111, 132, 137, avoiding, 41, 76, 80
149-150, 153, 240 predictable, 181
social validity and, 230 using, 84, 245
therapeutic, 124-125 limits, 60, 188, 189
as useful/practical, 230 effective, 21, 54
intimidation, 70, 225 empathy and, 67
enforcing, 29, 50, 62, 63, 67
Kounin, Jacob: research by, 147-148 information value and, 244
need for, 57, 71

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setting, 9-10, 11, 21, 29, 42, 46, skills of, 14, 120, 143-144
50, 52, 53-54, 56, 62, 63, 71, success and, 197
98-106, 144-145, 233 training for, 238
listening, 21, 27, 32, 70, 210, 212, Love and Logic theory, roots of,
214, 223 241-256
problems with, 1-2 lying, 37, 174
proving, 216-217, 219
literature review, 229-241 manipulation, 54, 56, 57, 63
love memory impairment, using, 46
discipline and, 74 mental illness, 232
giving, 95 messages
limits and, 71 of confidence, 162, 192
predictability and, 146-147 nonverbal, 150
unconditional, 188, 189 sending, 66, 120
Love and Logic approach, 43 (fig.), micromanaging, 24, 107
108, 119, 229, 234, misbehavior, 57, 85, 132, 133, 143,
238, 240 144, 240
core principles of, 40-42 adult attention and, 123
democracy and, 98 consequences and, 3, 149, 153
developing, 70, 71, 207 dealing with, 84, 120, 224
examples of, 78 dignity and, 23
foundational values of, 51 energy drains and, 169
inspiration for, 120-121 helping with, 119
mantra for, 166 identifying, 148
popularity of, 230 list of typical, 32
talking about, 5-6 by multiple students, 129
training in, 231 pain/insecurity and, 23
understanding, 106, 197 referrals for, 238
using, 11, 12-14, 26, 40, 42-43, mistakes
62, 92, 100, 154, 158-162, affordable, 71, 196
185, 217, 224, 230, 237, 244 consequences and, 72
Love and Logic classrooms, 21, 168 learning from, 72, 81, 107, 210
running, 20, 222 making, 71, 165, 166
thinking and, 24 motivation, 118, 140, 184, 186,
Love and Logic parenting classes, 195, 202, 204
225, 236 academic, 238, 247
Love and Logic teachers, 24, 124, 168 building, 204
described, 137 lack of, 119
limits and, 21

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 TEACHING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC — TAKING CONTROL OF THE CLASSROOM

nagging, 50, 140 pain

National Institute of Mental misbehavior and, 23
Health, 227 problems and, 206
needs, 57, 71, 241, 247-248 seeing, 208
basic, 187, 188 parenting
emotional, 102, 114, 140, 190, 203 effective, 232, 247
meeting, 25, 188, 189, 203 evidence-based approaches
physical, 190, 203 to, 230
social, 114 improving experience of, 230
special, 207, 237 Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
unmet, 187, 192-193 (Cline and Fay), 228
negative self, 192 Parenting with Love and Logic
neurological problems, 26, 133 (Cline and Fay), 228
neurons, 84 parents, 46
9 Essential Skills for Love and Logic bad ideas from, 210
Classroom, 154 communication with, 221
ninety-five percent rule, remembering, consultant, 233
201-202 difficult, 14, 43, 211, 212, 214,
No Thanks, I Just Had a Banana! 215-216, 219
(Ogden), 176 drill sergeant, 219, 233
nurturing, 65, 232-233 effective, 245, 246
grieving, 206, 207
observations, 135-136 helicopter, 33, 205, 219, 233
Ogden, Sally, 173, 174, 175, 176 intervention and, 230
one-liners, using, 57-58, 59 (fig.), Love and Logic, 236, 248
60-61 overprotective, 190
one-on-one attention, offering, school problems and,
121-122 222-224
one-sentence interventions, using, teachers and, 237-241
16, 17, 36, 42, 59 (fig.), passive aggression, 38, 46, 94
64, 67, 130, 138-139, performance, 7, 36, 196, 246
191-192, 220 perseverance, 165, 202, 204, 246
operant conditioning, 242 perspective
options, 98-99 perspiration, 202-204
energy replacement, 169-170, 171 social-ecological, 237
offering, 163-164, 166, 167, 171 Pierrs-Harris Self-Concept
orders, giving, 29, 45, 63 scale, 239
outcomes, 237, 242 plans, 12-14, 17
making, 5-6, 13, 32, 52, 118

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 TEACHING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC — TAKING CONTROL OF THE CLASSROOM

playground, problems on, 82 talking about, 131

positive strategies, using, 114, 115 thinking about, 31
power, 11, 51 problems
losing, 8, 13, 47 anticipating, 16
power struggles, 22, 46, 66, 93, causing, 20, 22, 24, 26, 29, 34,
181, 232 48, 52, 126, 127, 130
power-warmth balance, establishing, 63 choosing not to solve, 24-25
predictability, 145-147, 188, 189 common, 163-164, 166, 167
love and, 146-147 consequences and, 24
prefrontal cortex, 213 creating, 25, 41, 116, 119
prevention, 7 emotional, 229
focus on, 137, 235 handling, 7, 11, 30, 114, 162,
strategies for, 10, 114 220-221
Principally Speaking (newsletter), 224 identifying/defining, 234
principals learning from, 77
referrals to, 2-3, 26, 27 minor, 155
support from, 129-130 ownership of, 76-78, 78-83, 125,
problem chair, described, 148 166, 173, 178-179, 226
problem solving, 20, 24-25, 26, pain from, 206
27, 29, 34, 41, 142, 168, preventing, 11, 17, 219-226
169-170, 171 roots of, 203
brain and, 76 severity of, 207
collaborative, 111 social, 229, 235
effective, 221 thinking about, 24, 28-30, 34,
empathy and, 76-78 172, 177, 218
energy for, 212 process, slowing down, 215-216, 219
failed, 218 psychology, 46, 71, 74, 98
gift of, 177-178 behavioral, 183
guiding, 146, 161, 163, 164, 239 psychotherapy, 219
in-depth, 124 punishment, 82, 117, 229
model for, 234 consequences and, 194-196
practicing, 178-179 focus on, 235
process for, 129, 164, 218, 219, 234 recovery and, 119, 122, 123
recovery and, 122, 123
rules and, 34-35 questions
school, 222-224 answering, 27
shared, 241 asking, 214, 215-216
social, 234 Quick and Easy Classroom Interventions,
strategies for, 11, 30, 31, 132, 162 150, 154

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reality, 70-73, 203 repairing, 108-109

reasoning, 213 teacher-student, 63, 138, 193-
arguing and, 56 194, 247
recovery, 240 reminders, 9, 22
activities in, 122-123 report cards, 173, 174, 175
as bandage, 132-134 requests, back talk and, 54-55
behavior problems and, 119 research, 71, 147-148, 229, 236,
consequences and, 125 242, 248
iscipline and, 123 in-depth, 87
effectiveness of, 133-134 resiliency, 229, 241, 247-248
emotional problems and, 119 resistance, 95, 102, 217
extended, 124 passive, 38, 46, 94
goals of, 122-123 respect, 6, 48, 70, 225, 241
implementing, 118 discipline and, 74
location for, 122, 133 gaining, 26, 45
problem solving and, 122, 123 lack of, 1, 28
punishment, 119, 122, 123 language of, 62
short-term, 116-118, 118-119, 121, modeling, 112
122-123, 124-125, 132-134 mutual, 21, 41
trips to, 125, 126, 128, 132, showing, 50, 58
133, 134 treating others with, 20-22, 25,
underachievement and, 119 217, 222
relationships, 8, 77, 112, 134, 218 unconditional, 23
adult-child, 241, 247 responsibility, 106, 119, 196
building, 6-9, 10, 11, 16, 23, taking, 89, 107, 165
26, 36, 41, 43, 61, 64, 67, rewards, 8, 146, 147, 186
109, 113, 115, 122, 136, 138, consequences and, 154
146, 192, 195, 200-201, 204, side effects of, 36
208, 220-221 tangible, 198
classroom management and, 5 Ridgeview Global Academy, 238
healthy, 41, 63, 233, 239 rights, violation of, 22
human need theories and, risks, 204, 233
247-248 role models, 6, 49, 56
learning and, 298 “Room Objects Day,” 159, 161
marriage, 228 roots
parent-child, 232-233, 247 theoretical, 241-248
parent-teacher, 228, 248 understanding, 184-186
positive, 8, 67, 132, 138-139, rule breaking, 14, 22, 33, 39, 53
146, 229, 232, 241, 247, 248 consequences and, 36

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rules problem-solving, 5, 24, 165-

consequences and, 32, 33, 39 166, 168, 234
disregarding, 79 social, 113, 140, 234
griping about, 19, 20 Skinner, B. F., 154
limiting, 34 smiles, 190-191, 213
living by, 21, 22 social connection, 247
problem solving and, 34-35 social learning theory, 241, 243
setting, 21, 22, 32 solutions, 171, 190, 234
experimenting with, 200-201
safety, 25, 98, 147, 189, 190 special needs, 207, 237
compromising, 196 special persons, 42, 52, 222
physical/emotional, 188, 247 special situations and, 25
sarcasm, 27, 59, 225 special situations, 222
avoiding, 41, 76, 77, 80, 165, 216 special persons and, 25
using, 47, 60-61, 63, 78-83, 85, 97 strategies, 2
School Success Skills, 141 effective, 195, 199
secret signal, creating, 133 high payoff, 190
self-care, healthy, 243 strengths, 47
self-concept, 83, 238 academic, 182
self-consciousness, 88 developmental, 248
self-control, 57, 76, 135, 168, 213, 235 focus on, 198
self-efficacy, developing, 234 natural, 197
self-esteem, 142, 205, 207, 222, 248 stress, 232
self-respect, maintaining, 62 parenting, 236
shoplifting, lessons from, 73-76 reducing, 224, 236
short-term recovery, using, 42 teacher, 239
sincerity, 70, 193, 200 struggles, 189, 204, 222
situational awareness, 147-148, 149 power, 22, 46, 66, 93,
skills, 4, 14, 120, 143-144, 157 181, 232
avoidance, 181 student conduct policy, 79
behavior, 113, 140 students
coping, 181, 209 apathetic, 139, 198
decision-making, 248 correcting, 119-120
deficits in, 47, 199 easy, 137
kindergarten, 140 high-achieving, 192
leadership, 2 protecting, 165
manipulation, 56 treatment of, 23
metacognitive, 235 well-behaved, 38
positive/life-changing, 43 subconscious mind, 46, 102, 112

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success, 67, 106-109, 196, Love and Logic, 14, 21, 24,
216, 219 120, 124, 137, 143-144, 168,
behavioral skills for, 140 197, 238
components of, 23 parents and, 237-241
emphasizing, 197-198 special, 135-137
experiencing, 202 strong, 42
focus on, 197, 198, 202 teaching, 154
foundation for, 204 effective, 247
leadership, 2 experience, 22
perks of, 37 interruptions to, 17, 114, 153
rejection and, 199 maintaining flow of, 150
wishing, 165, 166 resuming, 120, 130, 136
support, 16, 129-130, 218 styles of, 29
survival Teaching and Motivation
drive for, 188 (Wlodkowski), 37
physical/emotional, 187 Teaching with Love and Logic (Fay
suspensions, 78-80, 146, 225 and Funk), 228
full-year, 81 thanks, using, 66
in-school, 30, 32, 124, 184, 195 thanks for sharing, 58
three-day, 79 theory, behavioral, 241, 242
Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, 244
taking care of self, 4, 41, 89 thinking, 24, 28-30, 34, 96, 124
tardiness, remedy for, 146 deep, 49, 225
tasks empathy and, 232
assigning, 136 errors in, 60
difficult, 137 gift of, 177-178
manageable, 23 learning and, 198
teachers shared, 41, 62, 241
behavior of, 153 thinking state, 217, 219
buy-in by, 237 thinking words, 50-51
consultant, 29 fighting words versus, 42, 51-52
differences between, 39-40 ample of, 51-52
doormat-type, 63 using, 48-49
drill sergeant, 29 thoughts
effective, 26, 35, 53, 174, 213, abstract, 14
245, 246 asking for, 11-12, 223
helicopter, 29 threats, 3, 15, 40, 63, 69, 70, 140,
intervention and, 230 146, 195
intimidation of, 225 avoiding, 41, 80

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choices and, 100, 106 Wong, Harry, 141

cycle, 38 (fig.) Words will NEVER Hurt Me
issuing, 45, 63, 78, 84, 245 (Ogden), 176
learning and, 10
touches, friendly, 190-191 Yates Academy Middle School,
traditional systems, 32-34 182, 183
consistency and, 39 yelling, 3, 17, 70, 76
failure of, 35, 37, 38, 40
trust, 23, 83
truth, 175-176
accepting, 209
tutoring, 183, 184

“under-expectation and over-indulgence

syndrome,” 37
underachievement, 190, 195
chronic, 181, 184-186, 199, 203
recovery and, 119
root causes of, 186-189
understanding, 41, 76, 80
unenforceable statements, sample
of, 51-52
uniqueness, 23
treating situations with, 31, 40-41

valuing, 64, 189

voice-to-voice contacts, 220

warnings, 146
weaknesses, obsessing over, 197
Weir, 238
buy-in and, 237
whispering, 150, 222, 232
effectiveness of, 20, 27-28
setting limits and, 9-10
win-win process, 212, 219
wisdom, growth of, 74
Wlodkowski, Raymond, 37
threat cycle of, 38 (fig.)

278