Types of Love

Sternberg’s Triangle of Love: Three Components

Sternberg (1988) suggests that there are three main components of love: passion,
intimacy, and commitment. Love relationships vary depending on the presence or
absence of each of these components. Passion refers to the intense, physical
attraction partners feel toward one another. Intimacy involves the ability the share
feelings, personal thoughts and psychological closeness with the other. Commitment
is the conscious decision to stay together. Passion can be found in the early stages
of a relationship, but intimacy takes time to develop because it is based on
knowledge of the partner. Once intimacy has been established, partners may resolve
to stay in the relationship. Although many would agree that all three components are
important to a relationship, many love relationships do not consist of all three. Let’s
look at other possibilities.

Liking: In this relationship, intimacy or knowledge of the other and a sense of

closeness is present. Passion and commitment, however, are not. Partners feel free
to be themselves and disclose personal information. They may feel that the other
person knows them well and can be honest with them and let them know if they think
the person is wrong. These partners are friends. However, being told that your
partner ‘thinks of you as a friend’ can be a devastating blow if you are attracted to
them and seek a romantic involvement.

Infatuation: Perhaps, this is Sternberg’s version of “love at first sight”. Infatuation

consists of an immediate, intense physical attraction to someone. A person who is
infatuated finds it hard to think of anything but the other person. Brief encounters are
played over and over in one’s head; it may be difficult to eat and there may be a
rather constant state of arousal. Infatuation is rather short-lived, however, lasting
perhaps only a matter of months or as long as a year or so. It tends to be based on
chemical attraction and an image of what one thinks the other is all about.

Fatuous Love: However, some people who have a strong physical attraction push
for commitment early in the relationship. Passion and commitment are aspects of
fatuous love. There is no intimacy and the commitment is premature. Partners rarely
talk seriously or share their ideas. They focus on their intense physical attraction and
yet one, or both, is also talking of making a lasting commitment. Sometimes this is
out of a sense of insecurity and a desire to make sure the partner is locked into the
relationship.

Empty Love: This type of love may be found later in a relationship or in a

relationship that was formed to meet needs other than intimacy or passion (money,
childrearing, status). Here the partners are committed to staying in the relationship
(for the children, because of a religious conviction, or because there are no
alternatives perhaps), but do not share ideas or feelings with each other and have no
physical attraction for one another.
Romantic Love: Intimacy and passion are components of romantic love, but there is
no commitment. The partners spend much time with one another and enjoy their
closeness but have not made plans to continue ‘no matter what’. This may be true
because they are not in a position to make such commitments or because they are
looking for passion and closeness and are afraid it will die out if they commit to one
another and start to focus on other kinds of obligations.

Companionate Love: Intimacy and commitment are the hallmarks of companionate

love. Partners love and respect one another and they are committed to staying
together. But their physical attraction may have never been strong or may have just
died out. This may be interpreted as ‘just the way things are’ after so much time
together or there may be a sense of regret and loss. Nevertheless, partners are good
friends committed to one another.

Consummate Love: Intimacy, passion, and commitment are present in consummate

love. This is often the ideal type of love. The couple shares passion; the spark has
not died, and the closeness is there. They feel like best friends as well as lovers and
they are committed to staying together.

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Types of Lovers

Lee (1973) offers a theory of love styles or types of lovers derived from an analysis
of writings about love through the centuries. As you read these, think about how
these styles might become part of the types of love described above.

Pragma is a style of love that emphasizes the practical aspects of

love. The pragmatic lover considers compatibility and the sensibility of their choice of
partners. This lover will be concerned with goals in life, status, family reputation,
attitudes about parenting, career issues and other practical concerns.

Mania is a style of love characterized by volatility, insecurity, and

possessiveness. This lover gets highly upset during arguments or breakups, may
have trouble sleeping when in love, and feels emotions very intensely.

Agape is an altruistic, selfless love. These partners give of themselves without

expecting anything in return. Such a lover places the partner’s happiness above their
own and is self-sacrificing to benefit the partner.

Eros is an erotic style of loving in which the person feels consumed. Physical

chemistry and emotional involvement are important to this type of lover.

Ludus refers to a style of loving that emphasizes the game of seduction and

fun. Such a lover stays away from commitment and often has several love interests
at the same time. This lover does not self-disclose and in fact may prefer to keep the
other guessing. This lover can end a relationship easily.

Storge is a style of love that develops slowly over time. It often begins as a
friendship and becomes sexual much later. These partners are likely to remain
friends even after the breakup.

Frames of Relationships

                         A                                H                            
M
Another useful way to consider relationships is to consider the amount of
dependency in the relationship. Davidson (1991) suggests three models. The  A-
frame relationship is one in which the partners lean on one another and are highly
dependent on the other for survival. If one partner changes, the other is at risk of
‘falling over’. This type of relationship cannot easily accommodate change and the
partners are vulnerable should change occur. A breakup could be devastating.

The H-frame relationship is one in which the partners live parallel lives. They rarely

spend time with one another and tend to have separate lives. What time they do
share is usually spent meeting obligations rather than sharing
intimacies. This independent type of relationship can end without suffering
emotionally.

The M-frame relationship is interdependent. Partners have a strong sense of

connection but also are able to stand alone without suffering devastation. If this
relationship ends, partners will be hurt and saddened, but will still be able to stand
alone. This ability comes from a strong sense of self-love. Partners can love each
other without losing a sense of self. And each individual has self-respect and
confidence that enriches the relationship as well as strengthens the self.

We have been looking at love in the context of many kinds of relationships. In our
next lesson, we will focus more specifically on marital relationships. But before we
do, we examine the dynamics of falling in and out of love.

The Process of Love and Breaking Up

Reiss (1960) provides a theory of love as process. Based on the wheel theory of

love, love relationships begin with the establishment of rapport.

Rapport involves sharing likes, preferences, establishing some common

interests. The next step is to begin to disclose more personal information
through self-revelation. When one person begins to open up, the social expectation
is that the other will follow and also share more personal information so that each
has made some risk and trust is built. Sexual intimacy may also become part of the
relationship. Gradually, partners begin to disclose even more about themselves and
are met with support and acceptance as they build mutual dependency. With time,
partners come to rely on each other for need fulfillment. The wheel must continue in
order for love to last. It becomes important for partners to continue to establish
rapport by discussing the day’s events, communicating about their goals and
desires, and showing signs of trust. Partners must continue to rely on one another to
have certain needs fulfilled. If the wheel turns backward, partners talk less and less,
rely less on one another and are less likely to disclose.

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Process of Disaffection: Breaking Up

When relationships are new, partners tend to give one another the benefit of the
doubt and focus on what they like about one another. Flaws and imperfections do
not go unnoticed; rather, they are described as endearing qualities. So, for example,
the partner who has a very large nose is described as ‘distinguished’ or as having a
‘striking feature.’ This is very exhilarating because features that someone may have
previously felt self-conscious about are now accepted or even appreciated. However,
once partners begin the process of breaking up, these views are abandoned and
questionable qualities are once again flaws and imperfections.

Kersten (1990) provides a look at the dynamics of breaking up. Although this work is
primarily about divorce, the dynamics of dissolving any long-term relationship are
similar. The beginning phase of breaking up involves seeing imperfections in the
relationship but remaining hopeful that things will improve. This improvement will
require the partner’s cooperation because they are primarily at fault. So, as long as
the offending partner makes the necessary changes, and of course the offended
partner will provide the advice, support, and guidance required, the relationship will
continue. (If you are thinking that this is not going to work-you are right. Attempts to
change one’s partner are usually doomed to failure. Would you want your partner to
try to change you?)

Once it becomes clear that efforts to change are futile, the middle phase is
entered. This phase is marked by disappointment. Partners talk less and less, make
little eye contact, and grow further apart. One may still try to make contact, but the
other is clearly disengaged and is considering the benefits and costs of leaving the
relationship.

In the end phase, the decision to leave has been made. The specific details are
being worked out. Turning a relationship around is very difficult at this point. Trust
has diminished, and thoughts have turned elsewhere. This stage is one of
hopelessness.

We will explore marriage, divorce, and cohabitation more fully in our next lesson.
Love Attitude Scale

Introduction

So what is your love style? Your authors discussed several types of love in the text,
including John Lee’s six love types. The Love Attitude Scale, created by Clyde
Hendrick and Susan Hendrick, measures your attitudes about each of the styles.

Directions

For each of the following statements, write the number (1-5) that most nearly
describes your attitude or belief. Some of the items refer to a specific love
relationship, while others refer to general attitudes and beliefs about love. Whenever
possible, answer the questions with your current partner in mind. If you are not
currently dating anyone, answer the questions with your most recent partner in mind.
If you have never been in love, answer in terms of what you think your responses
would most likely be.

For even more insight, make a copy of the questions and have your current partner
complete them also. Answer the questions independently of each other and then
compare your scores.

After looking at your style, type a paragraph in which you answer the following
questions:

 Does these scores surprise you? Why or why not?

  What would you consider the advantages and disadvantages of these styles
to be?

 What styles do you think would be most common in adolescence? Early

adulthood? Adulthood? Why?

        The code for the rating to be used for each statement is as follows:

        SD = STRONGLY disagree; D = Disagree; N = Neutral; A = Agree; SA =

STRONGLY agree

SD   D    N    A    SA

1      2      3     4     5

1. My lover and I were attracted to each other immediately after we first met                   
2. I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her.                    
3. It is hard to say exactly where friendship ends and love begins.
4.  I consider what a person is going to become in life before I commit myself to
him/her.
5. When things aren’t right with my lover and me, my stomach gets upset.
6. I try to always help my lover through difficult times.
7. My lover and I have the right physical “chemistry” between us.
8. I believe that what my lover doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her.
9. Genuine love first requires caring for a while.
10. I try to plan my life carefully before choosing a lover.
11. When my love affairs break up, I get so depressed.
12. I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.
13. Our lovemaking is very intense and satisfying.
14. I have sometimes had to keep two of my lovers from finding out about each other.
15. I expect to always be friends with the one I love.
16. It is best to love someone with a similar background.
17. Sometimes I get so excited about being in love that I can’t sleep.
18. I cannot be happy unless I place my lover’s happiness before my own.
19. I feel that my lover and I were meant for each other.
20. I can get over love affairs pretty easily and quickly.
21. The best kind of love grows out of a long friendship.
22. A main consideration in choosing a lover is how he/she reflects on my family.
23. When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.
24. I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my lover achieve his/hers.
25. My lover and I became emotionally involved rather quickly.
 26. My lover would get upset if he/she knew of some of the things I’ve done with other
people.
27. Our friendship merged gradually into love over time.
28. An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she will be a good
parent.
29. When I am in love, I have trouble concentrating.
30. Whatever I own is my lover’s to use as he/she chooses.
31. My lover and I really understand each other.
32. When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want to back off a little.
33. Love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.
34. One consideration in choosing a partner is how he/she will reflect on my career.
35. I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else.
36. When my lover gets angry with me, I still love Him/her fully and unconditionally.
37. My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty/handsomeness.
38. I enjoy playing the “game of love” with a number is different partners.
39. My most satisfying love relationships have developed from good friendships.
40. Before getting very involved with anyone, I try to figure out how compatible his/her
hereditary background is with mine in case we ever have children.
41. If my lover ignores me for a while, I do stupid things to get his/her attention back.
42. I would endure all things for the sake of my lover.
Source: Hendrick, C and Hendrick, S.  (1986).  “A theory and method of
love.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50, 2, 392-402. Reprinted with
permission of the American Psychological Association. 

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Love Attitude Scale — Scoring Instructions

The higher the score, the stronger you are on this love style 
Scoring: 
Eros: Add up all the numbers you circled for items 1, 7, 13, 19, 25, 31, and 37.         
Eros Score:  _____ 
Ludus: Add up all the numbers you circled for items 2, 8, 14, 20, 26, 32, and 38.  
Ludus Score:  _____ 
Storge: Add up all the numbers you circled for items 3, 9, 15, 21, 27, 33, and 39.  
Storge Score:  _____ 
Pragma: Add up all the numbers you circled for items 4, 10, 16, 22, 28, 34, and 40.  
Pragma Score:  _____ 
Mania: Add up all the numbers you circled for items 5, 11, 17, 23, 29, 35, and 41.  
Mania Score:  _____
Agape: Add up all the numbers you circled for items 6, 12, 18, 24, 30, 36, and 42.  
Agape Score:  _____  
Lecture Transcript

Here we are in early adulthood. This is the period of life when we are in our 20s and
30s.

First, a look at physical development.

If you are in your early 20s, you are enjoying your physiological peak. You may have
more energy, endurance, and reproductive ability than at any other time in your life.
Enjoy! In our 30s, we experience a slow, gradual decline in some abilities. One of the
first noticeable signs of this is a loss of lung reserve capacity. If you exert yourself,
you may notice that it takes longer to reach your normal breathing and heart rate
than before. Most of this decline is due to a lack of exercise rather than aging alone,
however. Busy lives in early adulthood sometimes means less time for working on
physical fitness.

Men may reach their peak of sexual responsiveness in their late teens and early 20s.
They can achieve an erection more easily at this period of life. Women may become
more sexually responsive as they move through early adulthood. This may be
because they become less self-conscious or more confident or comfortable than
before.

About 10 to 15 percent of people who are of reproductive age experience

infertility. Half of the time this may be due to the male having a low sperm count or
not producing enough healthy sperm with enough motility to reach the egg. Half of
the time the reason for infertility is because the female doesn’t ovulate or has pelvic
inflammatory disease or some other blockage in the reproductive tract. About a third
of couples conceive eventually without treatment. Treatment helps couples conceive
about half of the time.

Most fertility treatment is the use of drugs to stimulate ovulation. Five percent of

fertility treatment involves in vitro fertilization where sperm cells fertilize the egg
outside the body and the zygote is transferred to the uterus. In vitro fertilization has
about a 5 to 30 percent success rate. The more closely the procedure can mimic
normal fertilization, the higher the success rate. Gamete intra-fallopian transfer
involves transferring sperm and egg into the fallopian tube where conception
typically occurs. A small percentage of couples use zygote intra-fallopian transfer in
which the fertilized egg is transferred to the fallopian tube to continue its journey to
the uterus.

Even though early adulthood is a peak for physiological condition, it’s also a time
vulnerable to societal risks. Drug abuse peaks between 19 and 22 as people
transition into adulthood. Rates fall after these years. However, the use of intoxicants
is associated with acquaintance rape and contracting sexually transmitted
infections. It also increases the risk of death due to homicide, motor vehicle
accidents, and suicide.

Here are some comparisons of violent deaths by sex and ethnic category taken from
the National Center for Health Statistics. We can see first that risk is higher for males
than for females in all ethnic categories. Homicide rates are particularly high for
black males and suicide rates are particularly high for Native American males.

The brain continues to develop during early adulthood. How does thinking change in
this period?

Have you ever heard a conversation between a 14 year old and someone in their
mid-thirties? If it’s a parent and child, you may have heard the 14 year old
enthusiastically describe a plan of action while the 35 year old was quick to explain
why the plan was unreasonable. This practical, realistic approach is the hallmark of
postformal thinking. Postformal thinking is abstract, realistic, and personal. In early
adulthood, we become less concerned with what our peers think and experience
reveals what is likely to happen. Not just what is possible.

Dialectical thought is another feature of adult thought. While an adolescent may tend

to think in either/or categories, the adult may begin to understand that there are
strengths and weaknesses in both sides of an argument. Being able to take what is
salient from both sides of opposing viewpoints and to synthesize the two into a
personalized view is referred to as dialectical thought. Education promotes this when
it entails exploring various positions on a topic. In our personal life, dialectical
thought may result in greater tolerance of others with the recognition that no one is
perfect.

One concern over higher education is its relationship to the workplace. Derek Bok,
former president of Harvard University, suggests that colleges and the workplace
should be more closely aligned. The workplace needs people who are aware of
global issues, who have effective communicative skills, and who have a sense of
integrity or moral reasoning to offer the workplace. Universities and colleges need to
address these issues. Higher education has also been criticized for graduating
students who do not have critical thinking skills or adequate writing skills.

Now we take a look at the social world of early adulthood.

Havighurst provides a list of developmental tasks in early adulthood. These include

achieving a sense of independence or learning how to be on one’s own, achieving a
sense of identity, emotional stability, beginning a career, engaging in intimate
relationships, learning how to participate in the community, establishing one’s own
residence, and perhaps becoming parents. If you are in this age group and you find
you days quite busy or even exhausting, it’s certainly understandable!

One reason for engaging in such busy demands is because we feel that in the future,
all will pay off. Many of our decisions are designed to show benefits later in
adulthood. Young adults hope to be taken seriously as mature individuals and
therefore may emphasize how old or experienced they are. They may also make
decisions in order to earn the respect of others and to be viewed as adults.

Daniel Levinson offered one of the first studies of adult transitions. In the late 1970s,
he published his work entitled Seasons of a Man’s Life in which he described the
transitions men faced as they launched as young adults and moved through
midlife. The early 20s was a time of adult transition and making plans for the
future. These plans were implemented for the duration of the 20s, but were
reevaluated as they approached their 30s. Some revisions might occur during this
transition and carried out through a settling down period that followed. At midlife,
these men compared what they thought their lives would be like, referred to as the
dream, and how it really was. During the midlife transition, further adjustments such
as career changes or changes in personal relationships could be made as well.

Erikson views early adulthood as a time of focusing on intimate relationships.

Intimacy versus isolation.

Friendships can be one source of intimacy. Teens often have collections of friends of

both sexes. But having opposite sexed friends becomes a bit more problematic once
an intimate relationship has been established. As a result, males and females tend to
have same-sex friendships. It’s been suggested that the friendships that males share
are focused on information sharing, debate, and problem-solving. But females are
more likely to discuss personal problems and relationship issues. Do you think this is
true in all cultures?

Cohabitation refers to partners living together in an intimate relationship without

being married. It’s estimated that there are about 7.5 million cohabiting couples in
the United States. This reflects a 10 fold increase in the last 40 years. Of those, just
under 800,000 are same-sex couples. In general, cohabiting relationships do not last
as long as marriages. Cohabitation is a more permanent relationship in Europe. And
with the decrease in remarriage rates and increase in cohabitation rates, the U. S.
may become more similar to Europe in this regard. Younger partners tend to have
shorter cohabiting relationships. Cohabitation continues to increase in the United
States.

Why do people cohabit? Many cohabiting relationships are considered to be a

temporary arrangement prior to marriage. These premarital cohabiting couples do
intend to marry, but are living together prior to marriage for practical or emotional
reasons.
Dating cohabitation does not last very long. This cohabiting relationship is more like
a long date where partners continue to spend time together as long as it is
enjoyable. The trial marriage pattern is one in which partners try out a marital type of
relationship by moving in together. They’re not really evaluating a particular partner;
rather they are trying out the relationship of marriage. Some couple substitute
cohabitation for marriage and have no intentions of marrying. Cohabitation is their
preference, perhaps because they’ve had failed marriages in the past, are
philosophically opposed to marriage, or do not want to marry for other practical or
financial reasons. These relationships tend to last longer.
Same-sex couples can legally marry in Spain, Canada, Belgium, Argentina, Norway,
Iceland, the Netherlands, South Africa, and Denmark.
They can also legally marry in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New
Hampshire, and the District of Columbia. The issues facing same-sex couples tend
to be similar to those of heterosexual couples: concerns about money, household
chores, leisure time, sex, and children. But they do have to face additional stressors
of stigma from others. Same-sex partners tend to have a more equal distribution of
power within the relationship than in heterosexual couples. And when couples break
up, there is a greater likelihood of still having contact with the ex because of a closer
same-sex community of friends.

Let’s explore mate selection. Although the age at first marriage has been steadily
increasing in the United States, 25 for females and 27 for males, many do still marry
while in early adulthood. One way to look at the mate selection process is to think of
the marriage market as a place where social currency is exchanged. You bring with
you a certain amount of social currency or qualities that make you a good potential
make. And these are weighed against those things that might make you a less than
ideal partner. This is taken into account when looking for a partner. Most of us do not
want a “good deal” when making the exchange. Rather, we look for a fair exchange.
This is because in relationships, the person with the least interest in the relationship
has the most power. So if you want an equal distribution of power, you want both
parties to need the relationship equally. The majority of marriages are homogamous
with respect to social class, race, age, and religion. This similarity of social
characteristics is referred to as homogamy. This selection is guided by social rules of
endogamy (the expectation that you will marry within certain groups such as race
and class), exogamy (the expectation that you will marry outside of other groups
such as your sex), and propinquity or nearness. We tend to marry those who are
near because those are the people we meet and with whom we socialize.

Let’s explore a few theories of love. Sternberg offers a triangular approach to love.
Love has three elements, intimacy or psychological closeness, passion or physical
attraction, and commitment or the conscious decision to stay together. Most of the
problems people have in love relationships are about either intimacy, “We don’t talk.”
passion, “We never hold each other anymore.” or commitment, “I can’t count on my
partner to stay with me.”

We can analyze love relationships as having one or more of these elements. Liking

is intimacy only. Infatuation is a relationship based on passion alone. Empty love is
based solely on commitment. Romantic love includes both intimacy and
passion. Companionate love is based on commitment and intimacy. Fatuous love is
characterized by passion and commitment, but no intimacy. What do we want? The
ideal in the west is consummate love. We want passion, commitment, and intimacy.

John Lee explored types of love or love styles found in literature. You can look at
your own style by taking the questionnaire at the end of this lesson.

Pragma is practical love based on sensible qualities. Agape is a selfless love that

has the other’s best interest at heart. Mania is possessive and insecure.
Eros is erotic love in which a person feels consumed. Ludus is carefree,
nonpossessive, and based on seduction. Storge is based on friendship. What’s your
love style?

Another way to look at relationships is to examine the extent to which partners are
dependent or independent of one another.
In the A frame relationship, partners lean on one another and there is little room for
growth or change.

The H frame relationship finds partners quite independent of one another. Their lives
are parallel and there is little connection between the two. The M frame relationship
is marked by interdependence. Partners have a close couple connection, but also a
sense of self or individuality.

Ira Reiss suggests that love is not stagnant. Rather, it depends on continuous
interaction and renewal to be sustained. As a relationship begins, partners find out
about one another and their common interests as they establish rapport. This is
deepened with mutual sharing of more personal information through self-
revelation. The relationship progresses as partners become more dependent on one
another in day to day life. Eventually, the partners begin to rely on one another to
fulfill their needs. But it doesn’t stop there. For love to continue, partners need to
repeat the cycle and continue to establish rapport, engage in self-revelation, and be
part of one another’s lives. When partners break up, the wheel begins to turn in the
other direction. Partners talk less and gradually become disengaged.

Kirsten looks at the process of disaffection or the psychological experience of

breaking up. Before breaking up, couples may engage in “little fictions” or in
maintaining little lies about one another in order to help the person feel good about
themselves and the relationship. Flaws are seen as endearing. We’re often quite
forgiving and positive about our partners in the beginning. And what could be better
than having someone love your flaws! But when undergoing the process of
disaffection, partners become disenchanted with one another. Or perhaps, only one
partner is becoming disappointed. In the beginning phase, this partner may begin to
pull away psychologically or start to try to change the partner’s flaws. There may still
be optimism about the future of the relationship . . . as long as the partner makes
corrections. But in the middle phase, disappointment builds and there’s less
optimism about the future of the relationship.
In the end, a sense of hopelessness creeps in and the disappointed partner may
begin to plan their departure.

In our next lesson, we will look at middle adulthood and expand upon adult
relationships.