CLOSER:

Devotions for Couples

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 ABOUT LIVING ON THE EDGE

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It was established in 1995 as a radio ministry of pastor and author Chip Ingram. It has
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movement of Christians living out their faith in ways that transform families, churches, and
communities for the common good and the glory of God.

Living on the Edge creates Bible-based teachings and tools that challenge and equip
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TABLE OF CONTENTS

The Power of Forgiveness

A Non-Negotiable Date Night

The Happiness Effect

Servant Love or Selfish Love?

The Purity Code

The Jesus Creed

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 THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS

If you have anything against anyone, forgive him that your Father in heaven may
also forgive you your trespasses. (Mark 11:25)

All marriage authorities say the same thing: a healthy marriage is one in which forgiveness
is practiced. To develop a closer relationship it is vital to give forgiveness and receive
forgiveness with grace. Our good friend Bart sent us a story about how two lives were
changed—and brought closer—through forgiveness.

One fourteen-year-old boy in the inner city of Philadelphia shot and killed an innocent
teenager to prove himself to his gang. At the trial, the victim’s mother sat impassively
silent until the very end, when the youth was convicted of the killing. After the verdict was
announced, she stood up slowly and stared directly at him and emphatically stated, “I’m going
to kill you.” Then the youth was taken away to serve several years in the juvenile facility.

After the first half year, the mother of the slain child went to visit his killer. This murderer
had been living on the streets before the killing; she was the only visitor (in jail) he’d had.
For a time they talked, and when she left she gave him money for cigarettes. Then she
started to step by step visit him more regularly, bringing him food and small gifts. Near the
end of his three-year sentence, she asked him what he would be doing when he got out. He
was confused and very uncertain, so she offered to help set him up with a job at a friend’s
company. She then inquired about where he would live, and since he had no family to return
to, she offered him temporary use of the spare room in her home. For eight months he lived
there, ate her food, and worked at the job. Then one evening she called him into the living
room to talk. She sat down opposite him and waited. Then she started, “Do you remember in
the courtroom when I said I was going to kill you?” “I sure do,” he replied. “I’ll never forget that

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moment.” “Well, I did it,” she went on. “I did not want the boy who could kill my son for no
reason to remain alive on this earth. I wanted him to die. That’s why I started to visit you and
bring you things. That’s why I got you the job and let you live here in my house. That’s how I
set about helping to change you. And that old boy, he’s gone. So now I want to ask you, since
my son is gone, and that killer is gone, if you’ll stay her. I’ve got the room and I’d like to adopt
you if you would let me.” And she became the mother he never had.

The great writer and thinker Philip Yancey says, “Forgiveness halts the cycle of blame
and pain, breaking the pain of ungrace.” He goes on to say that “forgiveness loosens the
stranglehold of guilt in the guilty party, even if a just punishment is still required. Forgiveness
creates a remarkable linkage, placing the forgiver on the same side of the party who did
the wrong.”

It’s interesting in a marriage, but forgiveness is powerful for both the person offering
forgiveness and receiving it.

Faith Conversations

• Is the story of the mother of the slain boy and his killer realistic?
Why or why not?

• When have you experienced forgiveness from me that was especially

• Is there anything each of us needs to ask forgiveness for?

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 A NON-NEGOTIABLE DATE NIGHT

Outdo one another in showing honor. (Romans 12:10)

When the butterflies of early romance flutter away, they are often replaced by the familiar,
predictable feelings of long-term attachment. This can be a good thing, but sometimes
romance needs to be rekindled. Weekend getaways are wonderful—when you can get away—
but then day-to-day living quickly eclipses those rare romantic times. Friends who keep
the spark in their marriages seem to have one thing in common: they have regular, “non-
negotiable” date nights. Even date nights can become routine, but when a couple proactively
injects novelty and energy into their relationship, those exciting butterflies return, recreating
the chemical surges of early courtship.

Do you have a regularly scheduled date with your spouse every week or every other week?
If you don’t, you may be missing an emotional connection that will keep the fires burning
in your relationship. Couples who don’t put energy and focus into their dating relationship
settle for second best in their marriage bond. It becomes more of a business relationship. I
know that I (Jim) have to often ask myself: “Am I giving Cathy only my emotional scraps?” I
need—and want—to reserve some of my best energy and focus for our weekly date. For us,
this means we try to focus more on each other rather than the latest household bill or our
children’s schooling.

We read of a study where researchers instructed married couples to spend ninety minutes
a week on a date with each other. The couples tended to enjoy their marriage more than
couples who did not date. The researchers then divided the dating couples into two groups.
They challenged one group to do “exciting” activities that appealed to both the husband and
wife, like attending a concert or play, and physical activities like hiking or skiing. These are

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the dates that typically take some time to plan. The other group was asked to do pleasant,
more common activities like dining out or going to a movie. Although both groups enjoyed
the dates, the couples that shared exciting, more unique activities tended to maintain more
romantic intensity.

So, make a regular date with your spouse a nonnegotiable appointment. Then, plan the date
before you are heading out of the driveway! At our marriage seminars we invite couples to
think outside of the box about possible dates. Enjoying a stronger emotional connection will
benefit your relationship, and the romance isn’t all that bad either!

Faith Conversations

• Are you satisfied with our dating relationship?

• What can we do to enhance the romance in our marriage?

• What have been some of your favorite dates with me over the years?

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 THE HAPPINESS EFFECT

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)

Did you know that happiness is contagious? According to a twenty-year study, a person’s
sense of joy and outlook on life can often be determined by how cheerful their friends and
especially their spouse are. Actually, this isn’t too surprising. The Bible says a great deal
about our attitudes, including this insight: “A cheerful look brings joy to the heart and good
news gives health to the bones” (Proverbs 15:30). This means laughter just may be the best
medicine for a warm, intimate, loving marriage. Studies also show that laughter and joy boost
your immunity, improve your mood, ease aches, and relieve stress. Humor actually relieves
negative thoughts associated with physical and emotional health problems.

Our good friend Ned Brines quoted his father used to say, “Choose your spouse wisely. This
decision will determine 90-percent of your happiness and 100-percent of your unhappiness!”
We aren’t sure this is universally true, but it definitely makes sense.

There was a season in our life when we realized we had pretty much stopped having fun
together. Raising our children, paying the bills, juggling an overcrowded schedule, and other
responsibilities had crowded out joy. One small reminder not to take life so seriously was to
put a magnet on our refrigerator. It simply read, “Are We Having Fun Yet?”

If you are a negative Nancy or a grumpy Greg, guess what? At times your spouse and your
kids will run from you. We are drained by negativity and what the Bible calls a “constant
dripping,” but we are naturally drawn toward laughter, joy, and fun.

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Here are two lessons to work on with this “happiness effect.” First, lasting joy is not a matter
of what’s happening around you but inside you. True happiness is tied to internal qualities and
character strengths, not external events. This means we have to work on our character and the
issues of our heart before we work on the external. Second, you can choose to be a person of
joy, and it will have a very positive on your spouse. There is an old country song that basically
says, “Don’t chew me out all day, whine and gripe about me from morning till supper and then
expect me to love you at night.” Sure it’s a bit harsh, but the point is clear.

Happiness in marriage is a choice, and we have found that if you take care of the special
moments, the years will take care of themselves. Here are three building blocks to happiness:

1. Take time to bring pleasure, joy, and good times to you and your spouse. Are you
proactive in bringing cheerful energy to your relationship?

2. Engage your life in service and worship. Do you take time to regularly worship God
and bring happiness to others through service?

3. Live a purpose driven life. People whose lives are packed with meaning are almost
always happier. Would you say you have a meaningful and purposeful life?

Faith Conversations

• On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), how do you rate yourself on the
“Happiness Scale”? __________

• How would you finish this sentence? “I am most happy and cheerful
when__________________.”

• What could I do or be to make you happier with our marriage?

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 SERVANT LOVE OR SELFISH LOVE?

Outdo one another in showing honor. (Romans 12:10)

Helen and Lee have one of the finest marriages we know. They are in their late sixties and
there is still a sparkle in their eyes as they look at each other. They constantly hold hands and
you can tell that their love has grown over the years and not diminished like so many people.

One day at a marriage conference we asked them, “How do you keep your marriage
relationship so strong and refreshing?” Helen looked at Lee and Lee smiled. He took her hand
and spoke to her, not to us, “Do you remember what I told you the day of our marriage?”
She smiled back and said, “Of course,” almost bashfully. He said, “I’m going to out-love
you everyday of our marriage.” Helen looked at Lee. “And what did I say to you?” She then
answered, “No, I’m going to out-love you every day.” Only then did they focus on us and say,
“It’s not very fancy words, but we have really tried to live by those promises to each other.”

Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It’s about mutual submission and being a servant lover
even when we don’t feel like it. In the healthiest of marriages there are seasons when it is
more like an 80/20 deal, but that just comes with the territory. Showing honor to each other
is about being proactive and intentional with your commitment to serve your spouse. Nobody
said it would be easy but with effort, it can be done. Your marriage as well as your very life will
be worth it. Outdo one another in showing love and “out love” your spouse daily.

Neither one of us would at first think that we are selfish lovers. Both of us tend to be people
pleasers and we will try to walk the extra mile even when it isn’t that healthy. Yet, we have
found this concept challenging because we have often placed too many expectations on each
other. Your spouse can’t read your mind. The most effective way to share your needs is to

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spell out those needs to your spouse. During a tough time at work, our friend, Tom, asked Kim
to not bring up the job problems too late at night. It was getting his mind spinning and he was
having trouble sleeping. Kim needed to bring up the work related issues for her own sanity of
mind, but she honored Tom’s request by applying self-discipline to the situation and asking
when would be a good time in the next 12 hours to have a talk about the work problems. He
was much more ready to tackle her questions over morning coffee. That’s a simple illustration
of being a servant lover rather than a selfish lover.

Put all you can into your relationship. You will see results and even if you don’t right away, you
will know you are doing what is right. Relationships that try to “outdo each other in showing
honor” are the ones that are most long lasting and fulfilling.

Faith Conversations

• Are any situations right now making it difficult to show me honor?

• The Bible says in Ephesians 5, “Husbands love your wives and wives respect
your husband.” This Scripture speaks specifically to a wife’s need for love
and a husband’s need for respect.

• Husband: How can you love your wife more effectively?

• Wife: What are specific ways you can respect your husband?

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 THE PURITY CODE

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23)

The road to a safe, intimate marriage relationship always takes the path of purity and fidelity.
Sadly, when emotional and sexual infidelity, including pornography, enter a relationship, it
breaks apart relationships almost every time.

The call for sexual purity before marriage is nothing new. But we invite young people—and
married couples—to make a lifelong commitment to something we call The Purity Code.
In honor of God, my family, and my (future) spouse, I commit my life to sexual purity.

This involves:
• Renewing our minds for the good (Romans 12:2)
• Honoring God with our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:20)
• Turning our eyes from worthless things (Psalm 119:37)
• Guarding our heart above all else (Proverbs 4:23)

As we said, as much as young people need to live by the Code, so do married couples. To live
a life of sexual purity and to build healthy boundaries around your relationship will enhance
your marriage as much as any other decision. Healthy marriages make sexual integrity a
priority. Proactive couples set up wholesome boundaries to guard their hearts from toxic
relationships that could damage their marriage. David Carder, in his excellent book Close Calls,
says he has counseled thousands of people who have experienced adultery. Almost all them
thought they were immune from having an affair. Because boundaries were not established
these people experienced a growing mutual attraction that could have stayed an innocent

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friendship or shared interest. But again, because of lack of healthy boundaries the relationship
moved to entanglement and infatuation as well as an unhealthy clinging to the new partner.

Today, make a commitment to live by the Purity Code. Do whatever it takes to “live above
reproach” and to “live your life in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ.” The course of
your life will be determined not by how much money you have or the type of house you
live in, but rather by the way you have guarded your heart. Enter the right road with purity
and integrity. The writer of one of the Proverbs said it so well, “The man of integrity walks
securely.” His spouse will walk securely too.

Faith Conversations

• How would you finish this sentence? “I commit my purity and integrity to
you in these specific ways ________.”

• Has there ever been a time when you were concerned about my fidelity?

• How would you finish this sentence? “Of the four steps in the Purity Code,
the one I want to commit to working on the most is _________.”

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 THE JESUS CREED

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your
God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. And the second is like it:
Love your neighbor as yourself. All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.”
(Matthew 22:30)

Some people have called these words from the mouth of Jesus the “super Cliff Notes” of the
Bible. This Jesus Creed is a summary of how to live the Christian life. We are to first love God,
and secondly, love others as you love yourself. Love for God focuses on our spiritual life. Love
for others focuses on our relational life and love for self focuses on our physical and emotional
well being. As a couple you can do your “life checkups” when you look at this one verse and
ask yourselves three questions:

1. Love God (Spiritual Life): Is my heart for God growing or shrinking?

2. Love Others (Relational Life): Am I in a right relationship with my spouse? Others?

3. Love Yourself (Physical/Emotional): Am I physically and emotionally healthy? If not,

We have found that if we are brutally honest, these simple questions will tell us a lot about
how we are doing as individuals and as a couple. Many times through our marriage we have
had to make u-turns and detours to make the necessary changes to move toward health
and healing. People usually don’t change unless they are willing to practice the spiritual gift
of self-discipline. Paul’s advice to his disciple Timothy is sound counsel, “Discipline your life
for the purpose of Godliness.” (1 Timothy 4:7) Yes, it takes raw courage and discipline to

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sometimes make the right decisions about our primary relationships which would be God,
others and even ourselves. With discipline in these areas, more of life seems to make sense
and fall into place.

With the thought of discipline in mind, let’s look at these three areas of the Jesus Creed.

• Spiritual: We find life lines up better when we worship regularly at church, involve
ourselves with a daily time with God as individuals, pray together as a couple, and
serve God often.

• Relational: When our relational priorities are in place putting God first, our marriage
second, children next, vocation and then our other responsibilities, we seem to then
have the right focus. But unfortunately, we too often have a “child-focused” marriage
or put our work in front of everything else. Then we wonder why life and relationships
aren’t working right.

• Physical/Emotional: Because of the mess so many marriages and individuals are in,
people are now beginning to realize that “self-care” is a good thing. The discipline
of keeping your body in shape by what you eat and how you exercise will enhance
every other aspect of your life because it is all tied to each other. Finding time to rest,
refresh, and restore your physical and emotional life is actually a mandate from the
Bible. Unfortunately, too many people are living at too fast of a past and they aren’t
taking care of their own physical and emotional health.

The Jesus Creed speaks to putting our priorities in the right place. No one said it would be
easy but Jesus did show us the way.

Faith Conversations

• Of the three issues in the Jesus Creed—Spiritual, Relational, and Emotional/

• How would you finish this sentence? “The idea of self-discipline comes easy/
difficult for me because _______________.”

• What can we do as a couple to help each other with each of the three areas
in the Jesus Creed?

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A YEAR OF DEVOTIONS
to Draw Couples Closer Together

By Jim & Cathy Burns

Available Now:
HomeWord.com/Closer

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888.333.6003 | LivingontheEdge.org