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223 views53 pagesMAD Magazine No 381 May 1999
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0% found this document useful (0 votes)
223 views53 pagesMAD Magazine No 381 May 1999
Uploaded by
Luigui EspinosaCopyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF or read online on Scribd
/ 53
TOMB RAIDER ® SCI-Fil « THE NBA
al
BS ZA
Bn casted OTN tte In A
RIES
cAn important message from MAD’s
Director of Business & Development,
DAN BROWN
Consider a lobster. Or a man in a lobster suit. Or a lobster in a man’s
suit (not shown). Either way, its obvious to
even the most casual of lobster
obser
rs that lobsters don't give
a damn. That's where Icome in
And that’ where MAD comes
in, Yes, MAD — the magaz:
whose time is and was and con-
tinu:
s to be —gives a damn about
what you consider, whether you consider
it or not. This includes not just crustaceans but other sea
creatures (also not shown) and even creatures that aren't
sea creatures.(Sorry, no room to show them, either,
The important thing to remember is that it impor~
tant to remember important things, even things
that don't seem important, like MAD, which is
very important — at least when compare.
itha
lobster. Except perhaps at a lobster dinner, which,
like subscribing to MAD, is a good idea for you, but not a lobster.
Thats why I don the lobster suit and risk the scalding hot kettle and
the drawn butter sauce. Because Igive a damn about what's
important, even though lobsters don't
Order the veal entree.
Subscribe to MAD now!
Visa om MasrerCarp onty! CALL
1-800-4 MAD MAG
HON-FRE 8AM 1PM Fai ie ¥AM- 6 PULSE US fl Cn le
OR USE ONE OF THE ANNOYING POSTPAID CARDS INCONVENIENTLY STUFFED SOMEWHERE IN THIS ISSUE
ro Get Your MAD sunscriPTi0N ROLLING!
I posreatn cano 1s sisstNe WRITE T
MAD P.O. Box 52345, Boutpex CO $0: AE
LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:
rv Reyes 9 Random Samplings of Reader Mail...2.
ed EST y STAR CROFT LOVERS DEPARTMENT:
* - ‘The Diary of a Tomb Raider Fanatic...4
William Gaines
HOOP SCHEMES DEPARTMENT:
= How the NBA Plans to Win Back the
Love of Their Former Fans...8
= ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT.
Comet ‘Monroe &...as Vegas Part L..10
executive vice president & publi
‘ WHO GIVES A FLYING FACT DEPARTMENT:
etc een) Pop Up Pomo Videos...14
: ‘SOY STORY DEPARTMENT:
Ce Tofu Times...17
one
cre : HIDE N" CRITIQUE DEPARTMENT
' wi Instant TV Reviews..22
eco ;
ey y THE PLANE TRUTH DEPARTMENT
ees Brutally Honest Flight Attendant Announcements..28
Annie Gaines managing editor TS js | ae JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT:
Dorothy Couch splicensed w fs, Spy Vs. Spy..26
There's no business like show business, although
ea ia terme Wf compassion, thegfie comes closed” —.Ufred &. Neaan
SO ne
Coe ee APPRAISE THE THING DEPARTMENT:
Leonard Brenner graphics consultant ‘Scenes from the “Antiques Freakshow” (A MAD TV Satire)...29
we THE CLODS MUST BE CRAZY DEPARTMENT:
Marla Weisenborn pro The Paranoid Psychotic’s Guide to Foiling Paparazzi...32
~~ cama UNREAL ESTATE DEPARTMENT:
ae ‘ 2 Introducing Gravel Vista Gardens.-34
: GENERATION HEX DEPARTMENT:
me “Sub-Brainy The Teenage Wretch” (Another MAD TY Satire)..25
Dr ; YOUVE GOT MALE DEPARTMENT:
renee ‘ AMAD Guide to Mr. Right and Ms. Wrong...39
‘SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT.
ntributing Artists And Writers [AMAD Look at Hotels...42
aero rtdries
PLAN IT HOLLYWOOD DEPARTMENT:
‘MAD's Science Fiction Primer..65
GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT.
MAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death Betting Odds...48
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT:
“Drawn Out Dramas” by Sergio Aragones...
Various Places Around the magazine (jG; A
4
e, Ss
Cry es3™
“THE MAD 20”
Thank you very much for“A Newspaper
Ad We'd Like to Sec” in “The MAD 20"
(#377). As religious people who are
king «0 combat intolerance of sexual
religious minorities, we greatly
“appreciated the care and thought tha
obviously went into the production of that
‘one page. Actions like yours ultimately
‘make all the difference. Again, thank you.
Barbara and Christoph
I
arclom
h Working Group Coordinators
phia, PA
Babs and Chris — Thank you for your
letter! Our prayers have been answered.
‘We had no idea what the hell point the
writer was trying to make on that page.
The confusion was like a thick fog that
ermeated the MAD offices. We pray You
will write again soon! —Ed.
fs
lad
ATTENTION SUBSCRIBERS!
HOLY MOSES!
annem
map #392
ON SALE MAY 181
ence to the “ts me wth Beary” Ector, MAD
‘Magazine, 1700 Broadway, New York, NY 10019
HANSON FANS WRITE —
MAD Magazine, you suck big time,
specially that horrid person who
wrote that morbid “The Incredible
Hanson Story, From Start to Finish.
7) Hanson have worked for
years, and finally they
ms fulfilled to perform
devoted fans. They're very
talented musicians, but somehow you
can’t see that, Hanson deserve their
success and are having their dreams
come true, but you don’t respect them,
you made that mean story! You can't
judge what their future will be like —
but one thing I know, their future will
not be like that! You probably think
that’s some funny joke, but it's not, it
hhurt me real bad when I save that. So 1
wrote to tell you to stop putting mean
Hanson stories in your magazine!
Think about the people who love
Hanson (including me), you're
hurting our feelings. We love Hanson
and if you knew how Hanson really
‘were, you wouldn't have wrote that
horrid story!
Tacoma, WA
ear too chicken to put your name on
your own letter — Thanks for your
letter. It made us feel very, very sad —
for about an MMMBop! Then we got
happy again — smugly content in the
knowledge that we're right and you're
wrong. Nanny nanny poo poo! —Ed.
se A MORON MAIL SPECIAL
recently purchased an issue of your
magazine (#377) for my daughter's 1th
birthday. She is a huge Hanson fan and
was very offended by your so-called spoof
the Incredible Hanson Story,
to Finish") as was I | found it
disgusting, vulgar and insulting, not only
to the band but also to their fans. With so
violence and sex, these three brothers are
ttaveling around the world entertaining
millions of fans doing something they
Tove to do. They are very talented and have
worked very hard to make
competitive business
ld be congratulated,
a name for
themselves in a
and Ife
not ridiculed.
Tn two years, they have been to more
countries, met more people, and learned
more about the different cultures of the
world than most people, myself includ
wer dream of. Even if they don’
superstars or their careers should
‘end tomorrow, they can look back and
take pride in what they have accomplished
at such a young age, and be assured chat
their fans will continue to enjey their
‘music for years to come
If this is the depths you have to sink to
sell your magazines, I have bought my
first, and I guarantee, my last MAD.
Sheila MacDonald
New Brunswick, Canada
(ld MacDonald — Thank you for your
letter, which we happily reprinted in its
entirety. It is rare that we receive such an
articulate and complimentary missive. Any
time an article is called “disgusting, vulgar
and insulting” we know we've eamed our
pay. Thanks for writing! —Ed.
eee
SEND ALFRED Ema,
VIA aMenica ontintr iste THE MAD
eYWwoRD: ‘WEB
MAD MACAPINE eeptonenmaceto3.2
ae
Rename)
ee eed
Dees ag
ui
Pekan Berard
There's a nightmare world of unreality, where virtual humans fight to over-
‘come a programmed hell. i's called “playing video games”! (The stuff that
happens as part of the games isn’t any prettier.) This is your brain... this is,
your brain on PlayStation... any questions? You're probably saying, “Ho ho!
This spiral into abject insanity could never happen to me!” Before you scoff,
shoot oie tl eae Say eared ae D | K R Y
here,
bo change ites Stang ag
OO cles m the satire ;
ara
Lara
Ld vd
Wi
APE
i WH
th 1 tad aw aff, Phough. | just locked em Square
in the eye ‘and said, "Oh year? WF you ask me
YOURE ns useless as one of the Shas st |
oe the Ganesna, Keys door, after Lara's \
Faken away yoo seammtar and placed 1 i
ere af the tnpty wands of tre statue on THe
wedge.” Ha. HA! Nan, the dopey lok Pha cane
caress hs face when | said Trak was pretless
Who's the big loser Now?
February |) ITH ©
Samary 16, (96 apo
Bad news, The doctor says twe- '
bheds of my muscles have atrophied 4
by 40% uw tne past treee weeks we supposed to 9p
ob ay exercise ard vitanen diets Lucky | cominciel
Suc dacter to oye we a home IV, That way, | <2
Took maseld up bo a, Feecrg Hoe whit | Pay
Jamary 22, (98
CUPS
Wer, | was Analy wealthy enough to e back te
school today. Caroline came loki "for we. AS Seon Em Now that I've been avadng my RL geiftiend
| as | saw her, | knew that Pre mage between us Se. Carcine and wave ro job to 3 te Ive Fualy
woas gone. Hou endd | stay attracted fo 4 blah Sp been abe to devote wore tame to Tomb Raider 3
tenth grader, compared ‘te a theilng adventurer <—® It's been wondertull
anthcepeogst We my Lara? Carcint i S bland by ad I'm ajadl fer the Kal Totals between rounds.
cconparison, So crap. | bee She wouddn't even Knew «1p gve a person about Four stootds te tsk =|
| what te de with a crenade oes > and reflect on the larger lessons ‘of Tomb Raider. |
yall 10 Sk pple ull lok back and ste Lard Craft
yd\ Sanary 24,04 SB learner naar, |
Bi | get sired front my jb at tre suptartee, — Te Foon courting bo enuntry the gant, Sn 5 Maly
r ih That dot boss was sereamang at me, St FB sayng that people of a ‘cultuees, be they \
fy ease Thocked three asses by stackwg 136 So Ee, Nate Amencan, European, htarche a) |
setl||| boxes ++ barrels bedere the store opened. He was BE native, ae al te same Te same hopes, the |
| I apposed te be my trove, fe the tea m Nits = same creams. nd if | didn’ have to blow them
nue Brat foot hdn't want te wear te acd SE a auay with deect Mad shots, | Phunk we
‘cad ail have been Arends. 2 wage
10 TT equal pe
epee ies Usa a
“pal tenple>
February 26, 1999
Iie ce Pict nas a shrateay ode te Tony
Raider 3. contane Helden anne be aton,
tery level walkthrough, Sgt cheat code,
| ob sutaty just ling at “She racer Butt how
fit ust tains the cacy
bara puts her Ife on the ind
My consence is strong. 'p
ey 27, 1999
Vwon't Jock | won't look
February 2, 1994
| elda’t bok today. Ne, no,
Mareh |, 1994
2¢Bo
March $, 1999
What a dodo I've been | was 5 Frcused op
Setting to the end af the game | gree! the
Journey ibseik Fortunately, | mebit don't
