VO-¥Os DHARMAS GREG ° THE See#3 In A Series cAn important message from MAD’s Director of Business & Development, DAN BROWN Commitment. It’s a word often used. Commitment. See? I've used it twice already. But commitment is not contentment. It’s spelled differently and pronounced differently and means something different because it IS different. This goes without saying, but I said it anyway. Which brings me to MAD. Yes, MAD — the magazine whose time is and was and continues to be —says many things to many people that don't need to be said to any- one. But MAD says them anyway because it goes without saying that they MUST be said. Just like what I said about commitment. The importance of this cannot be overstated because it bas no importance. But just as things that don't need to be said must be said, things that don’t seem important often are. And vice versa. Like marriage. Like MAD. To recap: “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something MAD.” Subscribe to MAD now! Visa on MasterCarp ontr! CALL 1-800-4 MAD MAG MON-FRI 4M 1PM a Tine 4M-6EMSET US td Cade Oder Oo (On USE ONE OF THE ANNOYING POSTPAID CARDS INCONVENIENTLY STUFFED SOMEWHERE IN THIS ISSUE ‘To cet your MAD suascriPTioN RoLtNe! Is rosrearp can 1s aussie wairt ro: MAD PO. Box 52345, Bouter CO 80322-2345LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT Random Samplings of Reader Mail. ead ~— 399 OPPOSITES ATTACKED DEPARTMENT: “Kharma & Dreg” (A MAD TV Satire)...4 jiam Gaines four CROSSING THE CHANNEL SURFERS DEPARTMENT: MAD's TV Expert Qulz.10 ecu) Pee Sie ; oN ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT: > Monroe &.The Man. 12 Paul Levitz Sree ec ane / , j DAUGHTER WORLD DEPARTMENT: 4 ay , MAD Tags Along on a Typical Date Drea a Oey i N With Chelsea Clinton...16 a SPINNING IS THE ONLY THING DEPARTMENT: Crs ‘ eS The MAD World of Yo-Yos Part L..18 en eee ‘The MAD World of Yo-Yos Part I..23 Cee a ce (pteeen Aste LLL DN eee BERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPARTMENT: Amy Mavrikis assistant eit The Lighter Side of...19 De ¢ LIVING OFF THE FAD OF THE LAND DEPARTMENT: is ‘MAD-sterpiece Theater Presents: eee ‘The Home Schlocking Network's "Beanie Baby Hour”..24 Peery rete < May dentist who saya This won't hurt a bie" ia tying Ree through,your teeth!” — MYpped & Neuman Re eee DISC-CLAIMERS DEPARTMENT: ia latina me Even Yet Still More Badly Needed Warning Labels for Rock Albums...26 Thomas Nozkowski producti Ree re Co ALTERED EGOS DEPARTMENT: 4 : a in ‘More MAD Morphs...30 aa? THE IRRATIONAL INQUIRER DEPARTMENT: The Special Prosecutors Official Report on Mister Rogers.33 STICK A FORK IN THEM, THEY'RE DUNCAN DEPARTMENT: hou ‘What to do With Your Yo-Yo When the Fad Dies...38 rears ‘e : FRANK ON A ROLL DEPARTMENT: as o The Late Night Spree of Saul Devere...40 Contributing Artists And Writers ek. ae the usual gang of idi io eae ADAM'S RIBBED DEPARTMENT: ge SS “wnattabore” (A MAD Movie Satire).41 ae a) SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT ‘AMAD Look at Parades...45 GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT: MAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death Betting Odds...48 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT: “Drawn Out Dramas” by Sergio Aragones... Various Places Around The Magi 2.teacher, U hardly ever have the a letter to the editor of my favorite maga: Zine. However, the article “Tipoffs That You Go to a Really Tough School” (MAD #375) was so hilarious, las shaking with laugh: ter so hard my red pen exploded! Allison Auld Philadelphia, PA Ally — We've taken the liberty of grading your letter: Spelling/punctuation: 4; Clarity and content: A; Neatness: Al But before you get 2 little too cocky, young lady, let us remind ‘you that bringing MAD to class is frowned ‘Upon in your school. We have forwarded @ copy of your letter and this response to the ‘Vice Principal of your school — he'll ee you in detention at 2:30 p.m.! —Ed. A VIEW TO A SISKEL ‘With te gut of bac enckcfahe year moves ovr, move tlic Gee “Ii the thin one” Sele fxd tine to drop Into New York to have dinner wath a fen MAD ects (LR) Co-editor Join Rana, Gene, Editx of Licenses Dblcators Ghats Kochman and Co-editor Nick Megin. Ocal encush ist lear whatthe soup s svn 9 cal- lective trumiés down to Ist the book MAD About the Movies (which Gene ae his pane: Rogen te at cre” Ebert wrote the invocuction to — avaliable now at ine bookstores everywhere) or Nick Mest tiny blazer? GOING POSTAL I'm writing to tll you about some thing very sid. The other day when 1 was getting my mail (The October issue and a letter from my mom — no check!) Some stupid person made fun of ‘me getting MAD! Naturally, 1 ripped out her stil heart and burned it in rite al sacrifice and informed her that you're never too old for the amazing literary stimulation of MADE Lindsay Gonzales ~ Whaca, NY Gonzo — We were most disturbed by your letter What do you mean no check in the letter from your mother? What kind of a tightwad Is she? She can't take it with her — you're her own flesh and, blood! The least she could do is send you a tenski to hold you over tll payday! ‘We suggest you show her ths letter with ‘our response and if she still doesn't open up the purse strings, well then maybe it's time to rip out HER stil-beating heart ‘and bum it in ritual sacrifice. However, ‘you may want to check with dad on this ‘frst! Ed. MORE TRASH FROM MAD Tas doing my weekly chores and cleaned out the trash ean in the ups ithroom and out tumbled MAD #374 then dumped the trash from the down: stairs bathroom and out came MAD #373, This seemed an inglorious end to the magazine that has helped make me what [am today. Any ideas on how to recycle future issues? Don Feeney Louisville, KY Donny — We have one Idea, but please please please make sure you remove the staples before proceeding with the old wiperino! Ed. My question is this: Is it morally wrong to take advice from Melvin and Jenkins lover the advice of say, a voice from the clouds? Sean Treanor Washington, D.C ‘Seanster — Morally wrong? No. Smart? Probably not. As for stopping voices from the clouds, we suggest carefull lining the inside of your baseball cap with aluminum fell. We understand this worked wonders for longtime suffering MAD writer Desmond Devlin! —d, A THOUSAND POINTS OF CELLULITE Why does Monroe's dad always g¢ stuck with such fat, hairy chicks all the time? Give the poor guy a classy broad for once, Julia Balkin Amherst, MA Jules — Hey, a man likes what he likes. Monroe's dad happens to like big, hairy chicks. Which is why an upcoming episode will feature our pal ‘Monroe, his dad and one Ms. Linda ‘Tipp! (Warning: this one Is not for the squeamish!) —Ed.MAKE A DUMB WISH FOUNDATION My wish is that I would like you to-do the next issue of MAD in your under Salem Salazar Dallas, TX Sally — This is truty 8 dumb wish. Why in Heaven's name would you want us to do ‘the next issue in our underwear when in fact we'te proud to say that we do each ‘and every issue of MAD buck naked (Super Specials too)! We like the uninhibited, je ne sals quol freedom that only au natural ‘editing can give! Therefore, somy to leave ‘you hanging, but we must respectfully decline sranting your wish. —Ed. PS. While we were unable to grant Salem's dumb wish, MAD's Wake « Drm et ‘Foundation™ enthusiastically welcomes any {and all dumb wishes from our readers, ‘because in the end, granting readers dumb wishes is what MAD is all about. PPS. Note to Senior Editor Joe Raiole: Don't forget it's your turn to bring in the talcum powder this week! ‘THAT VISION THING My eyes aren't as good as they used to be. Could you make your “Drawn Out Dramas* bigger, or send a complimentary MAD magnifying glass with my issues! Joseph Laskarzewski Jacksonville, FL MAD CELEBRITY SNAPS Its another bady slam forthe Leters Page! Renae Olson-Bjoralt of Brendon, MN was ‘brave enough to step ito the squared cle (50 to speak) with wrestler ‘urneatpoltican and now Governor of ‘Mineesota Jesse "The Body” Venta! Wks a tee-year subscription for Renee and four years of overshe- tep-rope incompetence 9nd 630 government for the citizens of innesotal Ah. Minnescta, foemesy the Land of 10,000 Lakes, now knciwn 2: the Lan of $00,000 Nintod Votes! SOMEDAY ALL MAGAZINES WILL LOOK LiKE THiS... ead Spal oibe er Thal ise THEN LAREN PLUS ht! Basic Instinct! Entertainment Tonigt Spy Vs. Spy! Sick Fads! MORE! «until then, there is only one! Buy it now! On sale at newsstands, bookstores and’a precious few lumber yards!Tm Dreg Moneygomery. ma WASR I'm Tm Kharma Flakystein! Im ditzy. rm prepple. m a lawyer. kooky. I'm Jewish! I'm the free- Tm the son of spirited daughter of hippies! rm conservative, upper- crust blue bloods and ir to 2 fortune! | was born with a silver ‘spoon in my mouth! guessing | was born witha hashish Pipe in my mouth We wed after a whirlwind courtship of, like, twenty rminutest We looked into each other's lees and recognized a soul matel ‘Actually. Fe wasn't her EYES that ‘grabbed my ‘attention! But let's not He was early in the spoof? ‘We're Leery and Abba Flakystelnt We're ‘aging hippies! | kept my 60s beliefs, eo] kept my ‘60s values. but seem to have Were total oppositest Brooks Brothers, | Doobie Brothers! He was raised with meat ‘and potatoes. | was 3s raised on sed on the Do you believe this? Our daughter ‘martied a prepple, WASP Republicani im dying! My love beads are melting!should definitely be a couple! ‘Kharma is open. kooky and spon: taneous, but in her Tar, far pants on firet Tim calling the fashion police! Nobody's worn an outfit ike that 930Your folks hate ‘mel They think 'm this diy, blonde bubble head! Wil they Yes! | believe someday my|_f {also believe folks will” = Latvia wil become| accept you! [7] cur S15 state! Thave a lawyers and st Why don't we = with the arrangemer allcall ur dear! Dreg wil get al the better Idea! You'll be quite happy jocks, and since you're draw up anna | 2 sointo eaten you con Keep iment papers! |_ [the blender and ButtMastr| Te Mom, its been reg, the day | ‘two seasons now! celebrate this ‘Why don't you misbegotten marriage ease up and Is the day | get accept your barefoot and crush wine ighter inlaw? with ilegal aliens! \Y Our founding fathers fought for my right to be a sick depraved mant | thought everyone Oh, its not ‘might enjoy Finallyt | [That's strange! 7 when Kharma this album Here | | awhole-| | These don't was borat ‘are Kharma’s ‘some | | look lke photos {] It’s when she baby pieturest | §} activity! | | of an infant! JSS was concelvedt This seems fo be going wel! "Theyre discussing the history of our democracy! Al this friction perky! Must they house every week and fight? | making me less Let's struc Youre right! turally “open up! this siteomt Let’ go to THEIR homes!cS » > Welcome to our homet This is, my pot ting shed! ‘Mmm! What are you H growing Let me put it this way |p tS plant you're ‘more likely to find in High Times than in Deliriousiy Martha Stewart Living! first agree on Welcome to our story country clubt We've | scheduled a unusual ev che “breaking of the pinata Whats so ‘unusual | about it? 1 Every party has ‘Say, this stuff Isnt badt Tastes Tike chicken! ‘What Is it? Tf part of our ‘Endangered Species Buffet"! "Try some Bald Eagle salad and This is a ttle over-the-top, That cicnt] — Tiwant a child! if we had a child It would give us something we never had before! 5 pinata || We cant have a baby! Weve not No! Not us! ‘The moon has to bein positiont Jupiter has to be aligned with Marsout of here | realize now! [age |} mart tte Cranla Fam leaving mel} | | that about ust He claims the ‘60s. we'd offer peace we're all but he and lovel But its the 90s, so insane! can't say it! it's @ whole new ball gamel Ss Dreg is He can't say flakes! Too many nuts! Micon tou show! Tonight’ ton: Inaws Who Come From Different Worl Youre a You #@S36°8 frigid, right hippie lunatic: {| wing shrew | stroll naked aippie fringe {I in the forest, but | don't fascist Nazit pollute the environment! We should never have rushed into Tel Perhaps we should have edAenea ee rae Everyone makes fun of the fact that you De rameta Anderson quit Baywatch because watch too much TV. They tease you because she didn't want to make these any bigger than your couch has a permanent indentation from your butt! They laugh at you because you once missed a week of work with a “channelflipping” injury! They mock you because you named your first-born “Dawson Urket"! Well, now’ your chance to show them! Lets see If they can get a perfect score on... they already were. Are they... EX a OR ..-Live with Regis 2 and Kathie Lee im a tis tragic newsrelated event left viewers gaping in a stunned, sorrowful silence. Was it. avery tiny chron ike to hear this iritating gar gantuan withthe smiling giant head sing songs. 1. «The Oklahoma City bombing Pottticanty incer 2? t OR Poe iincap OR? Rosie ODenne 05 Ba where cid Tim Aten fist experience To! Time? This programs unique gimmicks to cram to gether a bizarre assortment of strangers together unt the encless petty and childish fighting begins. -in the communal OR, shower room, during his three- yearsentence Da srs series requiarty teatures the adorable gyrations of a cute tle imp. Is it. Gu tris tne animated figure who can be seen working alongside Blue dinosaurs. sit. c 7 « wen viewers see nine little iquares, are they looking at. Pee bachaatbeerrs i a .The digital OR _, scrambling altegedly blocking Terao out women’s private parts on > the E! network Pee eeyw ee cop and... ANYWAY, THE GOOD NENS IS THE Paerter. PAT YOU DOWN, GORGEOUS. "NO BY THE TIME SHE WAKES UP, ALL THE OTHER ‘CRACKHEADS HAD EATEN HER BABY ALIVE! AND THATS WHY YOU. ‘SHOULD JUST SAY NO! THATS ENOUGH TIME SOMEONE STARTED) GETTING READY 2 ARTI BILL WRAY WRITER: ANTHONY BARBIERIE We all know what happens when Mom brings home her new “special friend.” All we ever think Is, “Please, God, let him be cool"! Eon. Des oex) FREEZE! “Prius messin win = neo Oe EB] eat” ~ YOu, DURKEE, YOUR NOW'S J PATE. THINK I'M A COP LOVER, OR WORSE, A WARC/ Pe ce A A oe ca a ee") ere as Sa ere i 7 eich see S| ial f f 1 : oe asCOME WITH ‘ME, MONROE. YOU HALL FOR YOU THIS TIME, BUSTER! fey, Kins? REMEMBER TO SAY NOPE TO ‘DOPE!\\ nat ace Y KIND OF WARE OF / WE KNOW HOW im ] 4 WARES BT TH A wr : te 7 wy N7:00 p.m. and First Dinner with President Purchase Eight Movie Tickets — It’s the © Most Expensive Movie You've Ever Paid For or BI a in college 3,000 miles aw- ay from home, surrounded by drunken, horny frat boys look- ing to do things to her you can only rend about in The Sarr poe to get to First Base with the First Daughter? Here's. Report! So, what's it like trying Q with »~s Chelsea: SS (ion Arrive at Chelsea’s Dorm — Submit to Body Cavity Search by Secret Service Agents Don't do2:00 a.m. Work Butt Off Trying to Get the Agents Drunk so You Can Put the Moves on Chelsea Drop Chelsea Off— Use Your Best Line I to Get Some Action Enter Sigma Chi Party After Secret Service Gets Done Sweeping Frat House \ 12:00 a.m. Arrive at Sigma Chi Keg Party 5:00 a.m. Return Home — Receive Subpoena METER: ke MUKULAA WEN eke THE MAD WORLD or Yo-Yos Part I: In The Beginninge JUSTICE Its not fa 7e give us ‘and not tell us where 2 book report as an assignment, we can download it ‘trom the Internet? ing this time out alone we Just made seven hundred buckstRELATIONSHIPS FASHION This dress) (Well, wanted to get Howd your date) (That was my fist and lest night? J [_ last with that git isthe very || something that’s in, eS 5 1 latest but this doesn't look style! ‘very flattering! BEING HIP 2 Yes, mboyl When it That's eo0!, Uncle Christ Trouble fs, don't comes to living high, Why don't you write remember where Ive been there, done that! 2 book about ft? bbeen or what Ive done! aN lio A. [ee “roment = S FOOD Hi, hon! Whats You have Take out, go out, Tim thinking of ) (“But last session you ‘or dinner three ‘or thaw out! dumping my || — tole me that you ;| tonight? boyfriend, “finally got him q De Forman! | [where you want him!”P SLEEP =r are those who don’t have one! The only people who use that expression... have three ts teenage Should know about? childrent TIknow! Now i don't think | want him! No, something better! His breath is 50 bad, after Tmeet with him I'm too nauseous to eat!THE OFFICE David, don’t think we haven't noticed that you're the first fone here every moming and | the last one to leave at night, Little 60 Peep has lost her sheep and doesn't know where to. You've got nothing wrong with ‘you that a few hours of work in the garden won't take care off ‘and that every time we pass your effice you're either pounding away at the computer 'or BUSY on the phone! Little Bo Peep is such @ dummy! init were me, Fd just clone another one!{ , t i fe WE ea THE MAD W@RLD @F Ye- Part II: An Idea Gone Bad Tiel oreo E Se] Tink nothing of | generous gift of yo-yos, = < it, sister. It's the [7 Mi iter Trot feast could be put to good use. 4 - HUMBERT’S GROVE LEPER COLONY ARTIEE ALIAFFEE WRITER: DUCK EDWING 2ERTORY PLAYERS THE REP This Issue’s. THE HOME SCHROGINONE! Welcome to the Home Simple — there MM Like mer | enjoy my vacation home, is Schlocking Network! ‘are people who ‘my Cadila, my fourstar restau COM Suzanne Scandals and enjoy having ants! So cranked outa load of é) Tm here with Ty Shoe beautiful things Sad:-sack toys and slapped cutsey laces, Inventor of Beanie in their tives! names on em! Every few months | Babies! Ty. how do you stop making a few madels and ‘explain the Beanles presto! — Ist in my jacuzal while Incredible appeal? Suckers throw thet money at me! ke Beanie eollectors? ust look at that, viewers! Doesn't the Diana Bear look beautiful? Ans She can look Just as beautiful in YOUR homel That is. provided you have Beat! The eal Diana's ‘gone, and you never knew her anyway. but now you. ‘an feel cose to her in delusional eddy of| celebrity necro worship! ‘The phones are buzzing! ss talk 9 some hhome shoppers! Absolute! | elieve you just cant find 2 better investment! OF course. ‘ALSO Believe that most mortgages {are paid for with vintage R202 china ‘Think about it: Beale Bables sit there uselessy and they do absolutely nothing! Yet ‘re today’s Beanie ‘Bables realyPRESENT sre a, nee Suzanne, ke to remind al cour viewers that ith Beanlemania ‘But count the people who counter ‘felt the OU hear the price?! You Can get a Princess Di ‘Beanie of your very ‘own for only $74:981 toys also counterfeit the fags? Beanies are the originals! Each by ‘one comes with that telltale tag! ie Sores in te wiper rare PYC Kind! | beans the ‘Yep. what you nave | common PE. is definitely ‘kind or the | | the valuable ver Super rare sion! Or sed PeKing? LJ tobe, anyway! Hurry up. home shoppers! Youve only ‘dl be back here in a year (gotten minutes to order — whichis oy ‘after | thnk up some other ‘ve minutes less than the deadline f 4 manufactured sensation! After for the Beanie bubble to burst, leaving . ‘al. fads ke Beanie Babies A] me with your money and you with a vale come and go, but bleeding less ple of uninteresting beanbags! a Suckers dry is forever!Tipper Gore has been warning America for years against exposing young people to examples of gratuitous violence, sexual depravity, bad language and complete amoral decay. And it’s really true! Nobody in America has monitored more bad music than Tipper — and look what its influence has done to the White House! (Note to Tipper: Eazy-E only SUNG about slammin’ and ditchin’ his bitches!) But unlike the Goremeister, We at MAD aren't afraid to ADMIT that we're dumb, hypocritical loads...and thus, we're happy to offer.. EVEN YET STILL MORE BADLY NEEDED CONSUMER SUGGESTION: Hf You Enjoy The Experience of a Humongous Chunk Crashing toSaaS Before Buying This Album, Make Sure to ‘Check Out Our Handy LEAD SINGER GUIDE Track One: Gary Cherone ‘ack Yoo: avis Lee Track NOTICE: If You’re Holding This album and Reading This Label, It’s a ‘Safe Bet You pin’t Shopping at a Music-Censoring wal-mart Store-W-WARNING: If You Purchase This Album, ‘You May End Up Saying “What 2 1-1-1-Talentless L-L-Leech.” v-W. The Record Company Helpfully Subtitled Each of These as “The Album,” Just in Case You're So Dumb, You Might ‘Confuse It With The MovieCeti Gio hls Lead keto Ce BO erg ees Dusueodtioe rac Cee uar en Ls ‘Also Need a Pick Grain Alcohol BEWARE: ‘Only in the Music Biz Could There Be a SEQUEL to a Ship That Salled ONCE! POD TITLE NOTATION: : : Keep in Mind That, In Order to REALLY Have 5 J The ULTIMATE Country Party Experience, Youll > 1 ftmere In MAD #375, we introduced you to -ighlethcopomerphicog term which describes a not-yet-existent technology that will one day allow us to ‘a celebrity's true nature! Well, we here at MAD never pass up a chance to use a. pee + re viel Snhropoerpisingrenemetioton” hand Queen Elizabeth) mM a MAD MO Prince Charles Charlton Hestonf i , Ee a THE MAD WORLD @F ¥ Part III: Simple Tricks Any Yo-Yo Can Do THE MONA LISA FLIP-OUT HOW TO DO IT: As yo-yo is released, the carefully arranged string automatically ‘and effortlessly flips the yo-yo into a perfect reproduction of the beautiful Mona lisa. With practice and determination, even Picasso portraits are achievable. ‘2 somewhat complica Se eee Srey renee Pramas Paphracbatepatal ng Pei eee rn et ed Pentre tom(QUIRER DE | a Bi rm | | | { i peek of THESPECIA ae spreermTons\ TPAC ABORT ROGERSINTRODUCTION THERE IS TROUBLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD As required by United States Code Section PBS-13, Title 28, and brought to you by the letters “E” and “P,” the Office ‘of the Special Prosecutor hereby submits substantial and credible information that Fred “Mister Rogers” Rogers com- mitted acts that may constitute grounds for immediate cancellation This investigation into Mister Rogers began in 1994, during the Special Prosecutor's look into President William. J. Clinton and the Whitewater scandal. While no wrongdoing was discovered in Whitewater, facts from that case led to a study of the White House travel office and fundraising irregularities inquiries were later closed without result, but not Those before this office expand- ed its ission to include the Paula Jones lawsuit and the Lewinsky matter (AKA “Forni-Gate”) A remark by Lewinsky’s dry cleaner indicated th President Clinton had watched part of the Ken Burns documentary on the Civil War before get- ting bored and switching cover to the USA Net- work's Silk Stalkings. A $6 lion dollar investiga- tion into TV Guide subsequently revealed that the Civil War documentary had been shown on PBS television. This “raturally led to a full inquiry into the This complex investigation into Mister Rogers’ misdeeds cost $46 million dol lars to complete, not counting free give- away tote bags. This cost, naturally, ‘must be paid by PBS. Its suggested that entire PBS schedule. It was during this, phase that the wrongdoing of Mister jogers became virtually apparent PBS make up the mor their on-air pled per year to 363, by expanding, from 335 days per year. SECTION ONE: INDIVIDUAL GROUNDS AND CHARGES: ‘There is substantial and credible information that Mister Rogers committed acts that may constitute grounds for cancellation, depending on polls and how the FCC appointments turn out. |. The information obtained reveals that Mister Rogers: * Lied when he claimed that all his viewers were “special.” The evidence will show that even while repeating these statements, Mister Rogers knew perfectly {7} well that human life is cheap and that y most of his viewers were in fact worthless lumps; * Misused his position to teach 30 years’ © {worth of children that it’s okay to watch a grown man take off his clothes; .._)_* Conspired to deprive jazz composers of their rightful royalties by having the invisi- ble piano play random notes that only occa- sionally go near a melody; * Violated Article 1, Section 9 of the U.S. Constitution by recognizing the royal sovereignty of King Friday XIII within United States borders; + Failed to pay taxes on the teeny-tiny imaginary fares collected by the Magic Trolley; * Has never specifically disproved his possible role in the mysterious death of The Joy of Painting host Bob Ross; * Inserted his fist into numerous puppets.SECTION TWO: THE CONTENTS OF THE REFERRAL Regrettably, this report contains some sexually explicit material, but usually not more than once or twice per para graph. Sex, however, is only a small part of this investigation. This case is not about cheap, embarrassing quickies, but rather a systemic betrayal of public trust. Therefore, most sexual details, real or pretend, will be confined toa tiny, sep- arate appendix. Following page 4 of this report, the sex appendix may be found fon pages 5 through 3.5 SECTION THRE: ‘THE NARRATIVE: JULY 22, 1998 Mister Rogers entered his home at 10:30 a.m. (9:30 Central). He greeted his com- panion warmly. The companion, how- ever, was not captured by the surveil- lance camera. After remarking how ‘good it was to be alone again with the unnamed, unseen companion, Mister Rogers began to partially disrobe Before he could undress fully, Mister Rogers’ illicit encounter was interrupt ed by a knock on the door. Mister Rogers feigned surprise, asking. loud, “My! Who can that be?” We his false because there is a body of evidence hundred times there was a knock on the door, it was Mr. McFeely, and indeed it was once Mr. McFeely. Mister Rogers’ attitude of surprise was, in this office's opinion, a clear attempt to mislead the public. characterize his reaction as showing that the last sever again It must not be forgotten that Mr. Mefeely is a postman, the man who delivers the mail to the Neighborhood. These are the very same US. mails that have been used to convey child pornog- raphy, narcotics and the very bombs that the Unabomber used to maim and murder innocent victims. While Mr. MecFeely may not have committed these acts himself, he failed to prevent others from committing them. As a uniformed postal worker, McFeely’s inaction is, in our estimation, a far greater crime. oe Oo u Le Pat A DANGenous GAME Mr. McFeely was led inside the resi- dence. MeFeely had with him a pack- age, perhaps brought in an attempt to buy influence. Mister Rogers smiled and said, “My, what a big, thick package you have there!” With two men alone in a house at the end of a dead-end street, this statement can be interpreted many ways. We pick the bad way The package contained an assortment of colorful building blocks. Mister Rogers and Mr. McFeely spent approxi mately two minutes stacking the blocks as high as they could until eventually No overt sexual incidents occurred during the block stacking. Nonetheless, this incident raises troubling questions. “Raises trou bling questions” is a phrase this office the stack collapsed. will use again and again in this investi- gation. In fact, it took this office four Years to raise troubling questions; no“ ‘way are we going to spend more time bothering to locate troubling answers. SECTION FOUR: MISTER ROGERS’ ACCOMPLICES Mister Rogers has surrounded himself with individuals who witness his illicit vities. This office succeeded in inter- viewing the fish, the trolley and the puppets out of Mister Rogers’ presence, when Mister Rogers was not able to manipulate them and put words in their mouths, However, under repeated interrogations, tained their silence, refusing to provide any information at all. Clearly, they had been intimidated by Mister Rogers. these witnesses main- going to SAC Te ee ety Lady Elaine Ree The following excerpts from the “Puppet-Gate” question-and-answer ses sions indicates the level of silent denial SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: Queen Sarah, could you give more details about the shady land deal that allowed your family to take over The Land of Make-Believe? QUEEN SARAH: (no response) have sexual at woman, SPECIAL \ypus, isn’t it true that according to your narrow definition, oral sex is not consid among platypus- your comically flat bills are ered “sexual contact’ es, because so long DR. BILL PLATYPUS: SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: Trolley, weren't You in fact used to deliver unlawful com- ‘muniqués and “talkin to and from The Land of Make-Be TROLLEY: Ding! Ding! SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: X the Owl isn’t Your name transparent attempt by ints Mister Rogers to unethically curry favor among African-American viewers? X THE OWL: ( SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: your vantage point in the kitchen, you fare in close proximity to Mister Rogers phone. Did you ever see him accept oral ‘sex while making an important call? THE FISH: Glurp blub glork. Fish, from =SECTION FIVE ‘THE NARRATIVE: JULY 25, 1998 No surveillance of Mister Rogers could and they were showing a rerun of This Old be done, because it was Saturday House instead SECTION S0X: EVIDENCE ESTABLISHING ‘THE NATURE OF THE COVER-UP Desrnovep Pasical EVIDENCE This office attempted to subpoena all images and visual content produced by Picture-Picture between the years of 1968 and 1997. Mister Rogers illegally rejected the subpoena, saying that Picture-Picture was magic, and that all of his pictures had long since vanished. But memory is a kind of magic,” added Mister Rogers. “You can get those pic~ tures back any time you like, just by thinking about them.” As the Mister Rogers inquiry has shown, however, the memory is a slippery thing indeed. Copep Messaces Several times, the Mister Rogers Neighborhood program secretly sent hidden signals to the home viewers. When Mister Rogers was informed that extensive evidence of signal-sending was in the possession of this office, he ET Cg stated, “That's just an old traffic signal fon my wall. Signaling is what it does best. Iwonder what you like to do best.” Unfortunately for Mister Rogers, this office is not the one under investigation You're going ASTARD! Oh, And you will be crushed DOWN, you si wait, did Finch SECTION SEVEN: ‘THE NARRATIVE: JULY 29, 1998 At approximately 10:38. a.m. Mister Rogers left his home to visit Chef Mister Rogers’ stated purpose was “to Brockett see how a birthday cake gets made.” This office believes that Mister Rogers was. actually preparing to conduct an illegal fundraising. visit. Mister Rogers denies this, saying, “I don’t talk about fundraising on m) try to talk about things that the children will be interested in. You know, I take showers and go to the bathroom, too, but you don’t see that on my show either.” (FBI sur- veillance photos captured Mister Rogers performing these acts.) When Mister Rogers left his home, the camera suddenly showed aerial footage of cardboard streets and houses to indicate his journey to Chef Brocket’s. It is uncertain how much unseen illegal activity took place during this second interval MUR Ta Py uo eed rat] U 'S Special.35 a Somermve’s CooKinc Mister Rogers arrived at Chef Brockett’s kitchen at 10:39 a.m. Chef Brockett quickly showed Mister Rogers a large quantity of white powder. This office has not tested the powder, because just saying “large quantity of white powder” sounds worse. Chef Brockett and Mister Rogers broke four eggs and mixed them. into the powder. “It's very messy, but Ill the cake will taste mighty good,” remarked Mister Rogers. By suggesting. that Chef Brockett would think the cake tasted good, Mister Rogers was boldly trying to illegally influence and rehearse possible testimony. After the cake was finished, Mister Rogers asked Chef Brockett for the recipe. Chef Brockett replied, “It’s all up here,” indicating his big floppy chef’s hat. In other words, Chef Brockett kept his cooking knowledge in his brain with no notes. Mister Rogers had obviously urged his co- conspirators to “never put anything down on paper.” Chef Brocke called in to this office to ans: tions but unfortunately hours in custody, he called a lawyer, so this office couldn’t do. whatever it wanted to him, after severalis because you've used the entire box SECTION HIG! for your own perverse sexual gratifica- STATEMENTS tion? Isnt = UNDER OATH MISTER ROGERS: You! THE SPER NNN CUTOR'S (On August 12,1998, Mister have quite an imagi- PUNGETIGN Rogers agreed to answer nation. You know questions put to him before a ‘fall the nations This. office has become Grand Jury. The following Is on Earth, [think | convinced of Mister Rogers’ part of his testimony the very best | wrongdoing in some mat- ter. Admittedly, little evi SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: Do you like cigars, Mister pies dence exists to support this Rogers? " SPECIAL conclusion. However, that PROSECUTOR: is ample proof of the MISTER ROGERS: Heavens, no. They're awfully smelly, aren’t they? Are you su gesting I tion? That's disgusting, sir! massive cover-up that has taken place. If Mister Rogers were completely innocent, there would be more evidence against him, because he wouldn't have destroyed it all. Mister Rogers holds a high SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: So you're testifying that you never smoke cigars? MISTER ROGERS: That's right, I never have. No, [think tobacco plants should be allowed to grow and make yh - position as a role model in beautiful gardens. ‘ society. To allow him to SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: a sy Se eee this Then what do you do } othing-G. with cigars, Mister would surely encour- Rogers? age other soft- MISTER ROGERS: ‘ spoken Pittsburgh- Why, nothing at al. , based television hosts to do the same. This coun- We'll let the American AC ee people judge your defi oc nition of “nothing at ; wave. Can you all.” Isr’ it true that if say “Screw due you don’t smoke i process”? I knew cigars, you obviously : | you could ‘must use them for another purpose? MISTER ROGERS: I'm sorry, but I don’t ha have some graham crackers if you'd like SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: No cigars let? Isnt it true that the reason you're “fresh out” of cigars SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: any cigars at all. 1Pereeereec ae eee rs Pitre ae kine pee Nea eee) Ametcon history and you b en's tered wih eis of fed after another The latest craze fs old sulle so many “Toast ei etohanae isthe latest odin to he 97 Non co MAD reer, wee wing fed youre oeoT sues ov several yooscolecing son your reser. What to do wih hem? Wet you std. Self- Retrieving rg Hockey Puck a | eto) Be or ra rele ; Even Bullies Sem Bi)Rane CEN reed Po ara Varese ha oad sara Pcl ea Des’Pree Relentlessly they appear, those infomercials that invade our TV screens. How can we account for ther incredible success? ‘iter all, what sort of person would make use of them? Well, maybe the followi you an ideo, os we present. ‘ns LATE NIGHT SPREE® SAUL DEVERE __ [With extreme apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow) Listen, dear readers, and you shall hear Of the late night spree of Saul Devere: Grand infomercials lit up his screen With products like none he'd ever seen, Embellished by pitchmen with words sincere. "Tras 10:45 when he happened upon ‘That destroyer of mildew and dirt ~ Instagone; Cried he, “Tis a product I surely must try!” And thereupon ordered a twelve-year supply Out of far thatthe offer might soon be withdrawn. A Brown 6 Serve ad proved an instant success, It could speed up one’s microwave cooking, no less; _BURPIN' BOWL GAME SET! CROWDS CHEER BECAUSE | IT MEANS MOVIE MAY BE 1'm the Dean of this college! For the sake of this razor- thin plot twist. you'lhave |_| a trues ‘to take a high school false ‘equivalency test! If test, you don't pass, you can't oF be on the football team. | | muttiple So I pray you do pass! Oh. yeahl She Theyre not | [Wel they was a tough Twish you could] | fans! Those | | should ‘teacher! if veep those vulgar | | are our cheer- | | show brought nome | fans out of the Teaders! We | | mote 2 bad report stadium — the ones | | _n0 longer spirit, card trom her. who cathe team. | | have a budget | | 0° drink she would ames and boo and | |_t0 pay fanst less whip met ‘throw stuff at us! spirits! No high schoo! diploma?’ "You gat six years of hhard work ahead of you, Sobbyt At least that's how Tong | spent in high schoo! to get my diplomat What kind of stupld Togic is this? A bunch of toothless, Inbred backwoods yahoos are shocked that someone DIDNT get 2 high school diploma? Get real! So the Scum Dogs have started to ‘beat the team that that Jerky waterboy used to work for! Im Tot 2 trouble-maker or a sore Toser, but I have bad news for youl Your waterboylwhipping boy! Star tackle Sobby Butener doesnt ‘have a Feal high schoo! diploma! Its kinda both Ive already cireled the right multiple choice Janswers, you just have] ‘to see if you agree the correct answers ‘are TRUE or false! H) You passed your high school equivalency test! heard you only got ‘one question wrong!fecla fash: | back | ‘this movie! Tjust wanted ‘to remind people that ‘everything | satemme | [mane ates | weading Singert| | "bas this | "omaes"ecoing | [place of crapt | inthis moe? [Marva areyou] [ No, sont you iMpecause | | pisyfootsball Fe tockar room ts chew ou Istrted’ || atlyou want paying football LI” What when you [—) changed ‘aise [| your ming, nat ‘mam? T came into the foolsball cout, and one of those big, Illiterate morons put the ‘make on mel Well son it ‘tured out that he was more fun than that donkey nour living room! Good] ‘hing you | didnt | pick | Happy Gilmore | | or amy Madison! | have bad news for you, Sobby! During that last flashback. your mama was rushed To tell you the truth, Tink Wow, the an hhouneers from | ABC and ESPN! ‘That's Increaibiet from Touchstone, which i owned by Disney, which also ‘and ABC Ge —— Well im stil That's not Incred: impressed! | this movie are | | ble, that’s incest! | real sports an This picture is You don't know the ‘guilt trip? That's my mamal play football against her wishes, but she’ planning 3 vacation half of it See that big furry dog | mascot? That’ Sam hf] Donaldson in there! Yeah, but in other ee al a tales | ats cree” fe ae Ta iting | | ast | | 4 on (yl ota nen B Y; movies! || _cruciating level! ‘moves. it pro. tongs the excite ‘ment in this movie it just slows down the pace to an ex: Thave an "| interesting question! How ean you slow down something, that’s not ‘moving? Twon Sorry, Sobby. | fell the big | | in love with someone game, ‘elsel He's another Sticky, | | dumb southern guy who| ‘and played college football | now we and had a mother who can get ‘ald stupid thingst Except he's richt Hello! My name is] Forrest Gump! Mama| Says: “Going to tis mae is tke eating 3 | box of chocolates t's Good at frst, but | Soon youre sick to your stomach”NAD CELEBRITY CAUSE- OF-DEATH ‘HEVulLLe (bts Our team of crack oddsmakers gives you the latest Vegas line on how one of today's biggest newsmakers will suck her last breath! THIS MONTH'S FUTURE INTERN TO THE GRIM REAPER: MONICA, LE WINSKY (CAUSE OF DEATH ODDS Chokes on something 1:1 Falls off upper left box while guesting on Hollywood Squares 8:1 Terminal thong inflammation 25:1 Blood circulation cut off by last resort super girdle 37:1 Caught in a buffet stampede at ~ plussize models audition 42:1 Bad clams at “bygones-be-bygones” dinner with Linda Tripp 5,409,309:1ease HAS UNFORTUNATELY BEEN GROWING IN Ue DEM TUE Tad FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS! (>| roi Back so “A” Meets “B' BASH- INGWHAT EXTREME “SPORT” HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS Ponca SWE AOD OD - r Traditional spots have taken aback seat tothe new daredevil activities BEEN GROWING IN known as extreme sports. Whether it's performing death-defying skateboard tricks or participating in ultimate fighting matches, people CEMA TSTELLSIM are finding new ways to push themselves and laugh in the face of death ITS VIOLENCE? There is one new sport that has unfortunately caught on in record numbers. To find out what this lousy “sport” i, fold page in as shown. [MEN Eye hey car FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “8 PROMOTERS HANDSOMELY BECAUSE IT BRINGS OUT BASIC BLOODLUST IN THE FANS. WHAT WE CAN'T FATH- OM IS WHY SOCIETY PERMITS SUCH A HARMFUL THING