Trust In Relationships

We learn to trust early in infancy; trusting we will be fed, diapers changed;

that we will be kept comfortable and comforted. We learn to trust from our
parents, our families and our teachers. We grow up and form relationships, in
part all based on the level of trust we have learned from these fine folks.
Eventually most of us marry. We join with a partner, a husband or wife and build
a partnership on trust. Or do we?

Are we “building trust” or building walls with those most important to us?

Statistics will tell us walls are being built, and wars have been waged. Our
society has a 67%+ divorce rate. It is more common or “normal” to divorce than
to stay married! As a society we are not building trust in our most important of
relationships…And Why not? because most folks just haven’t learned how.

In his newest book: “The Science of Trust-Emotional Attunement for

Couplesi” John Gottman Ph.D. reveals the “how” of trusting as well as the many
subtle forms of betrayal that go on in relationship…

From his book: “A committed romantic relationship is a contract of mutual

trust, mutual respect, mutual protection, and mutual nurturance.” (The Science
of Trust: p 350)

Dr. Gottman has spent the last 30 years researching ‘couples’. He has
developed a theory of marital discord and happiness and with great accuracy can
predict divorce or a happy marriage! Quite simply this remarkable research has
led to the development of simple tools that work. There is a science of trust and
there are specific components that are inherent in trust, trusting and being
trustworthy.

In the article that follows I will share the components of trust and how to
build trust. I will also share from Gottman’s “The Science of Trust” the 12 specific
ways (other than sexual infidelity) that betrayal shows up in relationships.

You have the opportunity to build love and intimacy instead of walls and
wars. You, how you are and what you do matters! And, as you may already
know, loving always works better.

Trust is the deliberate and delicate balance between hope, belief and
reliance.ii We are always trusting ourselves and others: sometimes poorly,
sometimes adequately and sometimes magnificently! It is the hinge to love,

1|Page
caring and intimacy. Trust cannot be nurtured in a relationship beset with
betrayal.

Trust like love, is a verb. When we trust we ‘rely’ on something or

someone we are trusting. When we can be relied upon we are being trustworthy.
The action of relying upon is inherent in ‘trusting’; we are or we are not ‘trusting’
at some level.

Here are the 4 Components of Trustiii.

1. There must be a beneficial and a harmful result possible. When we
‘risk’ trusting we are hoping for a potentially beneficial outcome over the
possibility of a harmful result. If you tell a friend a secret, the hope is that
you can trust your friend to keep the secret rather than to reveal it. If you
form a business partnership or marry there is the possibility of beneficial or
harmful results.

2. The result of risking and trusting depends upon the future. Whether
it is a friend keeping a secret, a partner keeping an agreement or fidelity in
marriage, the outcomes are in the future.

3. The harm must be potentially more harmful than the benefit is

beneficial. Why does this matter? It has to do with the emotional payoff
involved! When we bet on a horse or play the lottery the belief that we will
win is much lower. If we bet $5.00, we are only out $5.00, there is very
little risk.

When we are involved in a business venture or are in a marriage

there are multiple levels and contexts where trust or walls are built. In
business and marriage our livelihood and well-being are “at stake” and “on
the line”. We have large emotional, physical, financial and other
investments in the outcome. When we share a secret with a friend we are
risking more if the secret is revealed than if it is not, and the ‘trust’ is more
limited to this specific context.

4. We honestly expect the benefit to occur. At a horserace or lottery we

would like to win, we might hope to win, yet for most of us that is where it
stops. We don’t actually “believe” we will win! When we trust, we have
hope with the belief that we can rely on the person or thing to produce the
result we want. If it is a business venture then the amount of ‘trust’ we
have may have to do with our business abilities accepting a certain
amount of risk involved.

2|Page
 Specifically for Married Folks
In a marriage the issue of trust is multi-faceted. Some agreements are made
consciously while many agreements are made covertly and left unspoken until
broken. We learn in our marriages to rely partners in some areas, and not in
others: housecleaning, finances, children, future planning, emotional support,
sexual satisfaction, and more. Clear agreements are made openly, verbally
stated and discussed; they can be agreed upon. Most often each spouse has
unspoken beliefs and expectations of how things ‘should be’. They “think” these
things are agreed upon as “common sense”. These agreements are only
revealed when these unspoken agreements are broken, and one partner feels
betrayed.

Gottman’ s research shows how these ‘agreements’ that go on in marriage

will indicate trust levels by measuring interactional patterns. The research also
shows great accuracy in predicting potential success in coaching or therapy as
well as whether a couple will stay together or divorce. It’s NOT just the ‘big’
betrayals that matter: infidelity, lying, emotional or physical abuse. The results of
study after study show that the biggest indicator of a lasting marriage is: The
perception of trust in the relationship.

There are many ways that we can actively build trust and love in relationship.
Gottman recommends a 5:1 ratio (nice to neutral and “non-nice” interaction to
insure of a healthy relationship. I have written elsewhere with ways to do so.
(See article: Love is a Verb)

I’ll end the article today with Gottman’s list of 12 ways that partners betray
each other in relationship. It is my hope that if you recognize these types of
betrayal in your relationship, you can do something to change it… and live
happily ever after.

Yes, sleeping around is a big way to ruin a committed relationship but there
are others that are as devastating. Gottman has identified 12 more, here they
are.

3|Page
 Twelve Ways (Other than Sexual Infidelity) to Betray Your Partneriv:

1. Violations of commitment. Your commitment is conditional, and some

part of you is still waiting for someone better to come along. You may
check out other people, flirt, or in other ways suggest you are still
available. Illness, arguments, money issues, distance (travel,
work)…when the going gets tough you consider going.
2. Betrayals of emotional exclusivity. Flirtations or secret emotional
attachments.
3. Secrets, lies, deceptions. These include lies of omission, deceptions,
and violations of confidence, broken promises, and inconsistencies.
4. Coalitions against your partner. You form coalitions that hurt or exclude
your partner, talk negatively behind their back, etc.
5. Disinterest. You are disinterested in or rejecting of your partner’s
thoughts, feelings or inner life.
6. Unfairness or lack of care. Resources, time and responsibilities are not
shared equally, and partners do not offer emotional support or
understanding. They are not “there” for one another.
7. Betrayal of affection. Coldness, unresponsiveness.
8. Lack of sexual interest. Ignoring your partner’s need for sexual intimacy,
physical closeness and touch.
9. Abuse. Social isolation, sexual degradation, humiliation, belittling, threats,
property damage, physical abuse.
10. Disrespect. Partners do not cherish each other, express pride, and
complement each other. Instead, thy ridicule, denigrate, mock, use
sarcasm, contempt.
11. Not meeting each other’s needs. (Copied verbatim from p 352): A
relationship is about legitimating dependency upon each other. Partners
violate the principle that they should try to meet each other’s essential
needs cooperatively and honestly. This involves agreeing to emotional
presence, openness, emotional availability, and responsiveness to the
partner. They do not agree, or act as if they do not agree, that the
relationship will entail sacrifice at times, putting one’s partner’s needs or
the family’s needs ahead of one’s own.
12. Breaking sacred promises and vows.

Brutal? Yes sometimes.

Is it happening in your relationship? In the relationship of close friend?

4|Page
 If you recognize some of these various ways spouses/partners betray
each other, then ouch and good! Recognition is the first step toward change.

Acknowledge that something is wrong, talk with your beloved then

change! Unless of course you’re building those walls before the final battle;
intimacy feels so much better!

It’s not easy, not at all. If you are like so many other couples and just need
a bit of guidance please contact me. I offer free sample sessions. Here is a
testimonial from a fine woman who DID contact me for a free session last year
(2010)

“I want to tell you that you were invaluable to me during a very tough time last year. We
only spoke on the phone as an intro, but I will be forever grateful for your words to me
that day Jim. You helped set me on a very good path. Thank you! Cindy”

Call 847-748-8006 or write [email protected] today, I can help you get

started; your marriage is worth your time and energy.

“A committed romantic relationship is a contract of mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual protection,
and mutual nurturance.” (The Science of Trust: p 350)

Enjoy building Trust. Here are other sources for you to help you identify less than healthy
patterns in your life. I have written elsewhere about the subtle signs of emotional abuse, lethal
patterns that can ruin relationship and how we learn them (Normal? Socialization, Domestication
and Consensus Hypnosis & Co-Dependency-Our Social Disease) Blessings.

i
The Science of Trust, John Gottman, Ph.D
ii
Quoted Directly from Lazaris audio download: “Synergy of Trust” www.lazaris.com
iii
ibid
iv
The Science of Trust, John Gottman, Ph.D

5|Page