2BR02B

By Kurt Vonnegut
Directions: Read the short story and answer the questions that follow. Refer to the text to check your answers.
Everything was perfectly swell. The orderly looked in at the mural and the muralist. "Looks
There were no prisons, no slums, no insane asylums, no so real," he said, "I can practically imagine I'm standing in
cripples, no poverty, no wars. the middle of it."

All diseases were conquered. So was old age. "What makes you think you're not in it?" said the painter. He
gave a satiric smile. "It's called 'The Happy Garden of Life,'
Death, barring accidents, was an adventure for volunteers. you know."
The population of the United States was stabilized at forty- "That's good of Dr. Hitz," said the orderly.
million souls.
He was referring to one of the male figures in white, whose
One bright morning in the Chicago Lying-in1 Hospital, a head was a portrait of Dr. Benjamin Hitz, the hospital's Chief
man named Edward K. Wehling, Jr., waited for his wife to Obstetrician5. Hitz was a blindingly handsome man.
give birth. He was the only man waiting. Not many people
were born a day any more. "Lot of faces still to fill in," said the orderly. He meant that
the faces of many of the figures in the mural were still blank.
Wehling was fifty-six, a mere stripling2 in a population All blanks were to be filled with portraits of important
whose average age was one hundred and twenty-nine. people on either the hospital staff or from the Chicago Office
X-rays had revealed that his wife was going to have triplets. of the Federal Bureau of Termination.
The children would be his first. "Must be nice to be able to make pictures that look like
Young Wehling was hunched in his chair, his head in his something," said the orderly.
hand. He was so rumpled, so still and colorless as to be The painter's face curdled with scorn. "You think I'm proud
virtually invisible. His camouflage was perfect, since the of this daub?" he said. "You think this is my idea of what life
waiting room had a disorderly and demoralized air, too. really looks like?"
Chairs and ashtrays had been moved away from the walls.
The floor was paved with spattered dropcloths. "What's your idea of what life looks like?" said the orderly.

The room was being redecorated. It was being redecorated as The painter gestured at a foul dropcloth. "There's a good
a memorial to a man who had volunteered to die. picture of it," he said. "Frame that, and you'll have a picture a
damn sight more honest than this one."
A sardonic3 old man, about two hundred years old, sat on a
stepladder, painting a mural he did not like. Back in the days "You're a gloomy old duck, aren't you?" said the orderly.
when people aged visibly, his age would have been guessed "Is that a crime?" said the painter.
at thirty-five or so. Aging had touched him that much before The orderly shrugged. "If you don't like it here, Grandpa—"
the cure for aging was found. he said, and he finished the thought with the trick telephone
The mural he was working on depicted a very neat garden. number that people who didn't want to live any more were
Men and women in white, doctors and nurses, turned the supposed to call. The zero in the telephone number he
soil, planted seedlings, sprayed bugs, spread fertilizer. pronounced "naught."
Men and women in purple uniforms pulled up weeds, cut The number was: "2 B R 0 2 B."
down plants that were old and sickly, raked leaves, carried It was the telephone number of an institution whose fanciful
refuse to trash-burners. sobriquets6 included: "Automat," "Birdland," "Cannery,"
Never, never, never—not even in medieval Holland nor old "Catbox," "De-louser," "Easy-go," "Good-by, Mother,"
Japan—had a garden been more formal, been better tended. "Happy Hooligan," "Kiss-me-quick," "Lucky Pierre,"
Every plant had all the loam4, light, water, air and "Sheepdip," "Waring Blendor," "Weep-no-more" and "Why
nourishment it could use. Worry?"
A hospital orderly came down the corridor, singing under his "To be or not to be" was the telephone number of the
breath a popular song: municipal gas chambers of the Federal Bureau of
    If you don't like my kisses, honey, Termination.
   Here's what I will do: The painter thumbed his nose at the orderly. "When I decide
    I'll go see a girl in purple,    it's time to go," he said, "it won't be at the Sheepdip."
Kiss this sad world toodle-oo.
    If you don't want my lovin',      "A do-it-yourselfer, eh?" said the orderly. "Messy business,
Why should I take up all this space?  Grandpa. Why don't you have a little consideration for the
    I'll get off this old planet,      people who have to clean up after you?"
Let some sweet baby have my place.
3. sardonic: scornfully mocking or cynical
Vocabulary 4. loam: a type of soil with organic matter, which makes it fertile
1. lying-in: the stage of childbirth where the mother gets bed rest 5. obstetrician: physician who specializes in childbirth
2. stripling: an adolescent, passing from boyhood to manhood 6. sobriquet: nickname
The orderly laughed and moved on. doesn't admire him?" she said again. "He was responsible for
Wehling, the waiting father, mumbled something without setting up the very first gas chamber in Chicago."
raising his head. And then he fell silent again. "Nothing would please me more," said the painter, "than
A coarse, formidable woman strode into the waiting room on to put you next to him for all time. Sawing off a limb—
spike heels. Her shoes, stockings, trench coat, bag and that strikes you as appropriate?"
overseas cap were all purple, the purple the painter called "That is kind of like what I do," she said. She was
"the color of grapes on Judgment Day." demure8 about what she did. What she did was make
The medallion on her purple musette bag was the seal of the people comfortable while she killed them.
Service Division of the Federal Bureau of Termination, an
And, while Leora Duncan was posing for her portrait, into
eagle perched on a turnstile.
the waitingroom bounded Dr. Hitz himself. He was seven
The woman had a lot of facial hair—an unmistakable feet tall, and he boomed with importance,
mustache, in fact. A curious thing about gas-chamber accomplishments, and the joy of living.
hostesses was that, no matter how lovely and feminine they
were when recruited, they all sprouted mustaches within five "Well, Miss Duncan! Miss Duncan!" he said, and he made
years or so. a joke. "What are you doing here?" he said. "This isn't
where the people leave. This is where they come in!"
"Is this where I'm supposed to come?" she said to the painter.
"A lot would depend on what your business was," he said. "We're going to be in the same picture together," she said
"You aren't about to have a baby, are you?" shyly.
"They told me I was supposed to pose for some picture," she "Good!" said Dr. Hitz heartily. "And, say, isn't that some
said. "My name's Leora Duncan." She waited. picture?"
"And you dunk people," he said. "I sure am honored to be in it with you," she said.
"What?" she said. "Let me tell you," he said, "I'm honored to be in it with
"Skip it," he said. you. Without women like you, this wonderful world we've
got wouldn't be possible."
"That sure is a beautiful picture," she said. "Looks just like
heaven or something." He saluted her and moved toward the door that led to the
"Or something," said the painter. He took a list of names delivery rooms. "Guess what was just born," he said.
from his smock pocket. "Duncan, Duncan, Duncan," he said, "I can't," she said.
scanning the list. "Yes—here you are. You're entitled to be
immortalized. See any faceless body here you'd like me to "Triplets!" he said.
stick your head on? We've got a few choice ones left." "Triplets!" she said. She was exclaiming over the legal
She studied the mural bleakly. "Gee," she said, "they're all implications of triplets.
the same to me. I don't know anything about art."
The law said that no newborn child could survive unless
"A body's a body, eh?" he said, "All righty. As a master of the parents of the child could find someone who would
fine art, I recommend this body here." He indicated a volunteer to die. Triplets, if they were all to live, called
faceless figure of a woman who was carrying dried stalks to for three volunteers.
a trash-burner.
"Do the parents have three volunteers?" said Leora
"Well," said Leora Duncan, "that's more the disposal people,
Duncan.
isn't it? I mean, I'm in service. I don't do any disposing."
The painter clapped his hands in mock delight. "You say you "Last I heard," said Dr. Hitz, "they had one, and were
don't know anything about art, and then you prove in the trying to scrape another two up."
next breath that you know more about it than I do! Of course "I don't think they made it," she said. "Nobody made three
the sheave-carrier is wrong for a hostess! A snipper, a pruner appointments with us. Nothing but singles going through
—that's more your line." He pointed to a figure in purple today, unless somebody called in after I left. What's the
who was sawing a dead branch from an apple tree. "How name?"
about her?" he said. "You like her at all?"
"Wehling," said the waiting father, sitting up, red-eyed
"Gosh—" she said, and she blushed and became humble
and frowzy9. "Edward K. Wehling, Jr., is the name of the
—"that—that puts me right next to Dr. Hitz."
happy father-to-be."
"That upsets you?" he said.
He raised his right hand, looked at a spot on the wall,
"Good gravy, no!" she said. "It's—it's just such an honor." gave a hoarsely wretched chuckle. "Present," he said.
"Ah, You admire him, eh?" he said.
Vocabulary
"Who doesn't admire him?" she said, worshiping the portrait 7. omnipotent: having unlimited power, force or authority
of Hitz. It was the portrait of a tanned, white-haired, 8. demure: modest, reserved, or serious
omnipotent7 Zeus, two hundred and forty years old. "Who 9. frowzy: having a dingy, neglected, and scruffy appearance
"Oh, Mr. Wehling," said Dr. Hitz, "I didn't see you." "This child of yours—whichever one you decide to keep, Mr.
Wehling," said Dr. Hitz. "He or she is going to live on a
"The invisible man," said Wehling.
happy, roomy, clean, rich planet, thanks to population
"They just phoned me that your triplets have been born," said control. In a garden like that mural there." He shook his
Dr. Hitz. "They're all fine, and so is the mother. I'm on my head. "Two centuries ago, when I was a young man, it was a
way in to see them now." hell that nobody thought could last another twenty years.
Now centuries of peace and plenty stretch before us as far as
"Hooray," said Wehling emptily. the imagination cares to travel."
"You don't sound very happy," said Dr. Hitz. He smiled luminously.
"What man in my shoes wouldn't be happy?" said Wehling. The smile faded as he saw that Wehling had just drawn a
He gestured with his hands to symbolize care-free simplicity. revolver.
"All I have to do is pick out which one of the triplets is going
to live, then deliver my maternal grandfather to the Happy Wehling shot Dr. Hitz dead. "There's room for one—a great
Hooligan, and come back here with a receipt." big one," he said.
Dr. Hitz became rather severe with Wehling, towered over And then he shot Leora Duncan. "It's only death," he said to
him. "You don't believe in population control, Mr. Wehling?" her as she fell. "There! Room for two."
he said.
And then he shot himself, making room for all three of his
"I think it's perfectly keen," said Wehling tautly. children.
"Would you like to go back to the good old days, when the Nobody came running. Nobody, seemingly, heard the shots.
population of the Earth was twenty billion—about to become
The painter sat on the top of his stepladder, looking down
forty billion, then eighty billion, then one hundred and sixty
reflectively on the sorry scene.
billion? Do you know what a drupelet is, Mr. Wehling?" said
Hitz. The painter pondered the mournful puzzle of life demanding
to be born and, once born, demanding to be fruitful ... to
"Nope," said Wehling sulkily.
multiply and to live as long as possible—to do all that on a
"A drupelet, Mr. Wehling, is one of the little knobs, one of very small planet that would have to last forever.
the little pulpy grains of a blackberry," said Dr. Hitz.
All the answers that the painter could think of were grim.
"Without population control, human beings would now be
Even grimmer, surely, than a Catbox, a Happy Hooligan, an
packed on this surface of this old planet like drupelets on a
Easy Go. He thought of war. He thought of plague. He
blackberry! Think of it!"
thought of starvation.
Wehling continued to stare at the same spot on the wall.
He knew that he would never paint again. He let his
"In the year 2000," said Dr. Hitz, "before scientists stepped paintbrush fall to the drop-cloths below. And then he decided
in and laid down the law, there wasn't even enough drinking he had had about enough of life in the Happy Garden of Life,
water to go around, and nothing to eat but sea-weed—and too, and he came slowly down from the ladder.
still people insisted on their right to reproduce like
He took Wehling's pistol, really intending to shoot himself.
jackrabbits. And their right, if possible, to live forever."
But he didn't have the nerve.
"I want those kids," said Wehling quietly. "I want all three of
them." And then he saw the telephone booth in the corner of the
room. He went to it, dialed the well-remembered number: "2
"Of course you do," said Dr. Hitz. "That's only human."
B R 0 2 B."
"I don't want my grandfather to die, either," said Wehling.
"Federal Bureau of Termination," said the very warm voice
"Nobody's really happy about taking a close relative to the of a hostess.
Catbox," said Dr. Hitz gently, sympathetically.
"How soon could I get an appointment?" he asked, speaking
"I wish people wouldn't call it that," said Leora Duncan. very carefully.
"What?" said Dr. Hitz. "We could probably fit you in late this afternoon, sir," she
said. "It might even be earlier, if we get a cancellation."
"I wish people wouldn't call it 'the Catbox,' and things like
that," she said. "It gives people the wrong impression." "All right," said the painter, "fit me in, if you please." And he
gave her his name, spelling it out.
"You're absolutely right," said Dr. Hitz. "Forgive me." He
corrected himself, gave the municipal gas chambers their "Thank you, sir," said the hostess. "Your city thanks you;
official title, a title no one ever used in conversation. "I your country thanks you; your planet thanks you. But the
should have said, 'Ethical Suicide Studios,'" he said. deepest thanks of all is from future generations."
"That sounds so much better," said Leora Duncan. Vocabulary
13. tautly: tightly, tensely
14. luminously: rightly, glowingly
 Name: ____________________________________
2 B R 0 2 B | Reading Quiz
1. Which character trait applies to Edward Wehling?
a. He is young. b. He is playful.
c. He is cheerful. d. He is bright and colorful.

2. Which is NOT one of the ways that the world in the story has changed?
a. People have stopped aging. b. There is no war or disease.
c. Everybody is happy all of the time. d. The American population is capped at 40 million.

3. What does '2 B R 0 2 B' mean in the story?

a. It is the title of a hit song. b. It is the phone number to the gas chambers.
c. It is the secret password to leave the hospital. d. It is the combination to a character's bicycle lock.

4. Which characterization does NOT apply to the painter?

a. He is optimistic. b. He is witty.
c. He is sarcastic. d. He is jaded.

5. Which of the following statements about Leora Duncan is FALSE?

a. She has a crush on Dr. Hitz. b. She works at the gas chambers.
c. She has a mustache. d. She is afraid to speak up.

6. Which best explains what the author includes the following sentence from the fourth paragraph?
"What man in my shoes wouldn't be happy?"
a. Confused b. Enthused c. Sarcastic d. Jealous e. Naive

7. Which best explains what the author includes the following sentence from the fourth paragraph?
"The painter pondered the mournful puzzle of life"
a. Simile b. Metaphor c. Hyperbole d. Understatement

8. Why does Dr. Hitz believe in population control?

a. So everyone can have as many kids as they want b. So there are fewer annoying babies in public
c. So he has job security d. So there are enough resources for everyone

9. Which event happens LAST?

a. Mr. Wehling and Dr. Hitz get into an argument. b. Leora Duncan reveals her admiration for Dr. Hitz.
c. The painter makes a phone call. d. The orderly sings a popular song under his breath.

10. Which statement is best supported by themes from this text?

a. War turns allies into friends. b. War encourages the creation of new technology.
c. War makes some people very wealthy. d. War is good for controlling the population.

Extended Response
Directions: On a separate sheet of paper, respond to the following question. Support your response with two
quotations from the text. Be sure to explain what your evidence shows.

Why does Mr. Wehling target Leora Duncan and Dr. Hitz rather than the painter and the orderly? Use
evidence from the text to support your response and explain your argument completely.