Parenting Tips
AGES 2 - 8
Discipline When Children Don’t Listen
What is the concern?
Children sometimes do not do what we ask of them. Younger children are often just testing
limits, and a parent saying STOP can be like a dare—they will try again. Children who are a
little older learn that being defiant sometimes gets them what they want.
Parents sometimes accidentally reward children by giving them more attention for not doing
what they are told than for doing what they were told to do. This attention may be talking,
nagging, or arguing. Sometimes parents are not consistent in dealing with a child’s defiance.
They may threaten, ignore, or punish. Due to frustration or a lack of time, parents may give
in to their child. This can teach children that they do not always have to do what they are
told. Finally, directions and instructions are not always clear to children.
How can I help my child cooperate with directions and prevent problems? Tips to Remember:
Parents can help their children learn limits that they need for their own safety as well as NN Prevent problems
getting along with other people. by paying attention
to good behaviors.
Positive attention
• Give clear directions.
at the right time
» Get close, get her attention, make eye contact, and say her name.
helps later.
» Use a calm, firm voice.
» Tell your child exactly what to do and be specific. NN Be clear and simple in
» Allow your child some time to cooperate. Usually if a child will follow directions, your directions.
she will start to move within 10 seconds of your command. NN Praise your child for
doing things when
• Have plenty of age appropriate toys and activities available for your child to keep him she is told.
occupied. Make sure to give positive attention when your child is playing well.
NN Use consistent
• Create a special playtime for you and your child. Break the cycle of nagging and arguing consequences if your
by catching your child “being good” during special, one-on-one time. child refuses to do
what she is told.
© 2009 The Nemours Foundation. Nemours is a registered trademark of the Nemours Foundation. EBH.11
• Praise your child for doing things when she is told to do them. Praise is one of the easiest NN If these suggestions
ways to reinforce desirable behavior. do not work,
please talk with
• Reward positive behavior every time it happens. Involve your child by having him help
your pediatrician
choose rewards and by decorating sticker charts or penny jars.
for more ideas.
• Ignore annoying but harmless behaviors that occur often. To ignore, do not look at or
talk to him. You should act as if he is not there. You might have to leave the room. It also
helps sometimes if you pick something up (like a magazine) and start looking at it. Be
sure to give your child attention as soon as the negative behavior stops.
• Offer quiet time prior to the point of needing to discipline. Say things like, “I see you
are becoming upset and that is okay but throwing things is not okay. Maybe you can use
some quiet time.”
By Erin Carroll, MS
Doug Tynan, PhD
Lynn Chaiken, MSW
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NEMOURS HEALTH AND PREVENTION SERVICES Emotional and Behavioral Health
Nemours Health & Prevention Services
What should I do if my child doesn’t do what she is told?
• Repeat your direction ONCE and start with an IF / THEN statement that includes a
consequence. “IF you do not clean up the toys, THEN you will have a time out.” Follow
through on your statement. In this way your child learns that you mean what you say.
• Apply sensible consequences.
» Loss of Privilege – After misbehavior, remove the activity or object that is logically
tied to that misbehavior. For example, if toys are left out in the family room and your
child is expected to clean up after playing, he will not be allowed to play with the
toys for a specified period of time. Sensible consequences work best when they are
brief (5 to 30 minutes).
» Positive Practice – Have your child practice the correct way of behaving when
misbehavior occurs. This type of punishment educates as well as disciplines.
It teaches the child the correct behavior and punishes the misbehavior. For instance,
if your child runs down the aisle at the store, he must walk slowly down the aisle
three times.
» Time Out – Remove your child from enjoyable activities when she needs to calm
down, does something dangerous, or breaks a known rule. For example, if your
child is aggressive or clearly breaks an established rule, she should go to time out
immediately with a brief explanation. “You hit your sister, so you have to go to time
out.” Just like ignoring, it is important that you do not look at or talk to your child
while they are in time out. Time out should be brief, 5 minutes or less. When time
out is over, repeat the direction. If she refuses again, then put her back in time out.
Repeat this until she does what she is told.
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NEMOURS HEALTH AND PREVENTION SERVICES Emotional and Behavioral Health
