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Niesha Morales

Motivation and Emotions

Dr. Nick

12/2/21

My Experience With Attachment Styles

Before coming into this class I had only heard of attachment styles a few times: the first

in my senior year of high school while taking a psychology class and the second on TikTok. In

all honesty, I don’t remember very much about attachment styles from my class. Most of my

knowledge came from the TikTok videos and even that was very vague. But even with this small

amount of information, I was still interested in what would be discussed in class and what I could

come to learn. What I did learn about attachment styles ended up giving me insight into my

relationships, whether romantic, with family, or with friends.

Looking back to the beginning of our class discussing attachment styles, there was a lot I

did not know, but some very interesting parts as well. Firstly there are four attachment styles:

secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Next, a person can change their attachment styles.

For example, they can go from having a secure attachment to having an anxious one, and vice

versa.

When discussing attachment styles, the first to come to mind is secure attachment. More

than likely this is because a secure attachment is a goal. It is one where both people in the

relationship are getting what they need while also giving their partner what they need

emotionally. This is important because, as discussed in Introduction to Attachment: “one of the

most primary human needs is to have a secure emotional connection” (Johnson, 2003). Without
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this strong and secure emotional attachment, feelings of anxiety and insecurity in the relationship

can occur.

The next is an anxious attachment. This is usually characterized by the fear of being

alone, usually overanalyzing the relationship, and being highly dependent on one’s partner, as

well as others. This response typically stems from the same place that the other four do, the

relationship one had with their parent as they were growing up, particularly as a baby. You will

usually see people develop an anxious attachment style if their parent(s) was known for giving

inconsistent responses. These varying responses can make the child very sensitive to others’

responses as well, often feeling the need for reassurance.

Third, we have an avoidant attachment style, which can often be identified by the clear

sign of a person having trouble showing their feelings and being close with their partner. This

person often wants to be independent and shy away from intimacy. In Attached we see that Greg

doesn’t push away his partner because of anything wrong with her or their relationship. Instead,

it is because he realized that the two were getting closer, which he sees as a threat of becoming

dependent. People with this attachment style often have trouble understanding the difference

between independence and dependence on emotional/physical needs.

The fourth and last attachment style is disorganized. This is also a rather uncommon one.

Usually, 95 percent of people will have one or a combination of the first three, and as Attached

stated: “the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into a fourth, less common disorganized

category”(Levine, 2012). This style usually is a product of trauma, people being unsure of how

to be in and handle a relationship, and is a mix of avoidant and anxious. Taking a look at the

origin of this style, we see that it happens when: “the source of safety becomes a source of

fear”(Disorganized attachment style, 2021).

After learning this information I started to think about which style best fits me. After

considering how I can be in my relationships, both with my partner as well as family, I believe

that I am somewhere between avoidant and secure. Growing up I had to grow up fast, for many

reasons, and help my mom with our family. Because of this I became very independent and did

my best not to lose that independence. But this led to me often not sharing all that I was feeling,

believing that it could make me seem weak. I also didn’t like how clingy my partners could be.

Originally I didn’t realize this was a problem until my relationship with my current

partner got more serious. After a while, we had to sit down and he described how my distance

made him feel anxious and we decided that we needed to talk about what we needed and what

should be worked on to make our relationship more secure. This helped me to realize what I

needed to do to feel secure and also communicate what I needed from him. Now I would say I

identify more with a secure attachment style, but there are times when I do feel avoidant.

Another relationship that I took a look at was the one I have with my mom. We haven’t

always been on the best terms but after the passing of my grandmother, my mom’s mother, it did

stabilize more. In the past, I was disorganized when it came to my mom. She was someone that I

wanted to be close with and be able to talk to but I never felt that I was able to. I believed that,

for whatever reason, I would get into trouble. It also didn’t help that I had a more secure

attachment to my grandmother, who helped to raise me. My grandma was someone who make

me feel comfortable and safe. Seeing this made things harder on my mom, who wanted the same

relationship but at the time we weren’t able to have it.

After my grandma’s passing our relationship became a mixture of secure and anxious.

My mom had always relied on my grandma to help her, since my brother has a disability she

needed support. But since afterward, with me being 17 going on 18 and the oldest I stepped into
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the role of support. My mom’s attachment became more anxious and she ended up working

harder to understand me and the way that I think and see things. Because of this I felt more

secure and was able to show her how I was feeling, without feeling like I looked weak in her

eyes. While my mom’s attachment is still anxious, I believe she is slowly transitioning into a

more secure attachment with me and it has helped our relationship.

In conclusion, I learned a lot from this class but especially this section. While I had little

to no prior knowledge of attachment, I have now begun to understand and recognize them. Even

in my friendships, particularly with my closest friends, I have started to notice how our

attachments can be with each other. I think this knowledge can not only help the relationship that

I currently have, but also any in the future. It may even help me when I decide to have kids of

my own so that I can ensure that they have a secure attachment.

Works Cited

Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E. (2006). Attachment processes in couple and family

therapy. Guilford Press.

Levine, A. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you

find - and keep - love. Tarcherperigee.

Disorganized attachment style: Everything you need to know. Attachment Project. (2021,

October 22). Retrieved December 10, 2021, from

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/disorganized-attachment/.