Hegemonocle

Spring 2022 (Issue 2)

T h E

H e
e G
burns its bridges
 The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 25, Issue 2
Spring 2022

Seniors >:) Suckers who have to run this

Jared Jageler ‘22 magazine next year
Sophia Vischer ‘22 Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24
Niko Bjork ‘ 22 Rene’e Gonzales ‘24
Dan Bially Levy ‘24

STAFF
Gustav Kuhnen ‘22 Anina Peersen ‘23 Corgan Archuleta ‘24

Lucas Martin ‘24 Taylor Sibthorp ‘24 Rory Donaghy ‘24

Emydius Montes ‘24 Morgan Niven ‘24 Jayden Sinclair ‘24

Daniela Martinez ‘25 Hans Haenicke ‘25 Talia Ostacher ‘25

Ava Gordon ‘22* Coat Rack ‘99 Rennie DiCarlo ‘23*

SHOUT OUTS
Sophia’s dad, for getting promoted to President of St. Thomas!
Brenda Piatz, for raising my blood pressure with every Honors email
Jared Jageler, notorious catholic
Anina, our first** and only member from the class of 2023!
Oat milk, for its vice grip on the collective consciousness of the senior class
Chicago, for giving Niko covid :(
Stickermule, for having to deal w/ our organization
President Rivera’s desk, for hosting our annual orgy
*for old time’s sake <3
**under a technicality

Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11

characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely satirical.
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle
email: [email protected]
 Letter from the
Editors/Seniors
Dearest Readers, It’s been our
Brian Rosenberg’s retirement
U.S. Bank security guards sending a photo of my
pleasure to provide you with the highest, classiest
forms of humor over the past four years. As the Class school ID to Macalester for trying to sneak alcohol
of 2022 reaches the end of our time at Macalester, we’d into Winter Ball.
like to shake things up by reminding you about the Patient zero of COVID going to a Fairmount party
most memorable moments and cringeworthy The big tent
cancellations of our four glorious years at
Macalester… But really - it’s been an absolute honor to make sorta-
funny, sorta-quarterly magazines for you all. Finally
The busting of a dorm party on Turck 4 during
being back on campus to hand out copies was the best
Orientation. Class of ‘22 is still dealing with the
way to round out our final year at Mac… and being
ramifications of this one. ignored by our peers when doing this really just
When classes were canceled for the Polar Vortex enhanced the whole experience. So thanks for that.
and the dorms became the Stanford Prison But whether we have weeks, days, or just a couple
Experiment and smelled like sweaty bodies precious hours left as students of Macalester College,
Legal alcohol at Macalester events for 21+ people don't forget,... it's never too late to burn your bridges.
being canceled right as the class of ‘22 turned 21. Good luck and godspeed to our successors, Zoe,
The canceling of Neill Hall Rene’e, & Dan... and to our fellow seniors, we'll see you
Founder’s Day being canceled and turned into in Uptown (and in hell).
Founding Day because we forgot to cancel the rest
Niko, Jared, & Sophia
of the Founders when we canceled Neill.
Conservatives tricking Mac students on camera
into saying they want to cancel Thanksgiving.
Nice one guys.
President Rivera being canceled on Twitter the
second she became president
The Trads’ singing Valentines being canceled by a
single professor.
Administration stripping campus traditions of
every shred of joy is seniors still had left. Bang up
job guys.
 A recent sur
vey found th
students rec at 93.7% of
ognized the
Minnick," bu name "Ann
t could not id
pieces of info entify any
rmation abou
enigmatic M t this
acalester fig
ICK? identify the ure. Can you
INN real Ann Min
nick?
N M
A N

Or was it
Sounds like a
Amy...
fake job, must
keep looking...

Director
der? Program of Academic
Your Orientation Lea s and Ad
vising?

Known "Anns" in the U.S.

Your first year

roommate?
 Ann Minnick:
Myth or Fact?

Maybe A
nn
is short fo
r
Amanda.
.. o n l y l i f e g uard
The t h e LC?
k i n g a t
wor

Someone in Career
Exploration?

The Hege's Long-lo

st
Faculty Advisor?

Flip to page 40
Sister?
Mac the Scot's
for the correct
answer!
THE COCH
................................
Craft cocktails from the culinary hellscape
that is Bon Appetit

Following a historic vote, Macalester College will become America's first ever “Wet
Campus” and everyone agrees that this is a terrible idea. Godspeed.

Sex on the Great Lawn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $16.00

Equal parts cranberry juice, rain, dirty rice water from the Loch, mixed in an
empty bucket of sanitizer, and topped off with a sexual misdemeanor.
Dirty Mask . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $2.00
Three day old creamy wild rice soup from Cafe Mac served in a mask you
found on the bathroom floor of the LC.
Fairmount . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $15.17
Warm natty lite and chlamydia, served in a VERY sweaty glass

Academic Probation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.75

Equal parts Guinness and molly, must be drunk from cupped hands
like a thirsty dog.
Bad Times ........................................................ $0.05
If you’re here for a good time we’d like to change that. This one is just a
nalgene full of straight up Everclear.
The Two-State Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $2.00
Salvia, tequila, and a kiss on the forehead.

German House ................................................... $1.90

Sixteen Jaegerbombs served on a dirty toilet seat

Iron Lady . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$0.00

Just kidding, Margret Thatcher isn't real.

Dirty Suzy ........................................................ $10.30

Drink NyQuil till you can’t see straight. Drink vodka till you can’t walk
straight. Then drive.

The Dupre Resident . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $15.49

An IV bag filled halfway with Smirnoff and the rest with equal parts cough
syrup from the 1800s and asbestos.
Your Mom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $80.08
She knows ;)

For Whom the Sex Bell Tolls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $∞

White wine served in a sippy cup, topped with edible glitter and inedible
whipped cream (for the sex factor).
Top 5, Top 10 Lists
1. Earth Written by Hege Staff
2. Foosball
3. Ootball
4. Basket
5. Orbeez
6. Egg
7. Australia
Top 10 Balls 8. the SUN
9. Stars? Probably? Top 10 Top 10 List
10. Testicles cuz obviously
1. Top 10 worst majors
2. Top 10 splendid gumbo recipes that will blow
your tits clean off
3. Top 10 condoms i found in the jwall art
stairwell
4. Top 10 pants
5. Top 10 Hege Members
6. Top 10 animals I accidentally ran over in my
2011 Subaru forester

Top 10 Cheap Beers

7. Top 10 Netflix shows with full-frontal nudity
that I watched with my mom
8. Top 10 bottles to conceal THC topicals from
1. Hamm's your roommates with
2. Michelob Ultra Light 9. Top 10 fonts you use in the same sentence
3. Busch Apple Ale 10. Top 10 5-hour-long baths i took this month
4. Your mom
5. Miller Highlife
6. Busch Light Apple Ale
7. Blue Ribbon, its good i promise
8. Piss
9. Anything but Naderdays
10. Anything from Park
Top 10 Online Quizzes that made me
question my sexuality
1. Are you gay?
2. Which Anime character are you?
3. What kind of bread are you?
4. What your favorite drinks say about you (if you drink
White Claw I'm going to find you)!
5. AP Stats exam
Top 10 Times my Dad forgot to pick me up 6. Which Hege Member are you?
7. The 7 holy sacraments
from School 8. We can tell you your sexuality based on what
nugget you choose
1. I don't have a dad... 9. Which soup are you?
10. How many fingers am I holding up?
 HR Highlander
Reviews*

Sony Extra Bass Speaker

$246.98

"Still cheaper than my SINGLE SPANISH TEXTBOOK"

- Rebeka F.

3.25" x 3.75" Tree Ornament

$44.99

"A real match for all my other plain,

polygonal glass ornaments!"
- Eric W.

*Products appearing in this work are real. Seriously, we didn't make these up.
Hi Friend!

I’m Jacob, co-founder here at College Truckers. I’m reaching out to see if we can help with your move-out at the end
of this semester.

We provide climate-controlled storage and shipping services to Macalester students. Here’s how it works:

1. Reserve your move-out spot on our website (by providing us with your SSN and mother's maiden name)
2. We provide free boxes and tape to you, while supplies last
3. We pick up everything from your on or off-campus housing at the time of your choosing.
4. We will dump your belongings in the Mississippi river
5. When you return to campus, we might deliver everything to your new housing

It’s that simple! If you have any questions, please shoot us an email at [email protected] or give us a call at
646-553-4441.

XOXO, Jacob
 by anina peersen

aries
march 21 - april 19
really and truly and honestly, everyone loves
hearing about your skin care routine.
cancer
making the hours you work on your june 21 - july 22
mediocre skin your main personality point
definitely covers up the insecurity. don’t i see a lot of tears in your future. like more
worry though, you don’t need to change a than usual which is concerning. you should
thing. you’re gonna sue god and win. consider investing in a water bottle to take
with you to all of your classes and never
drink out of. all the cool kids do it. anyways,
you should also definitely avoid all women.
taurus
april 20 - may 20
you feel your boring old white man
leo
professor is being a dick, and you know july 23 - august 22
what? you’re right. that bitch has never
had a starbucks pink drink with no berries,
it’s time to let your freak flag fly! be open
heavy cream, and sweet cream cold foam
about your enema fetish, your people will
and it shows. assert your dominance by
stick with you. open up about how you think
showing up late with an iced drink every
crunchy peanut butter is better than
day, sitting on your laptop, typing loudly
smooth peanut butter, the real you
and angry staring at him the whole time.
deserves to be seen! tell people you get an
do all of the work because you are afraid of
erection every time you smell gasoline,
conflict and care more about your grade
there is someone out there exactly like you.
than sticking up for anything ever. that will
honesty and openness to the point of losing
show him. protecting your peace is your
any and all respect you had will be a guiding
top priority during this period.
principle for the next few weeks.

gemini virgo
august 23 -
may 21 - june 20
september 22
you live in a rich fantasy world and are ready
to take the next step: stay there forever. you AOC is a virgo (unconfirmed).
can definitely find enough acid to achieve think about that.
your goals. godspeed.
MACALESTER: WRITTEN BY HEGE STAFF,

Wind

The Bears
The Beans

The Chicago Bears

"The" "Bean"
The Cubs

The Chicawgo
Beaws (said by
Mark Whalberg)
1 jock,
2 cock, Beers
Whitesox, Illinois
Blackhawks.

The childhood home of

every Mac student from
Chicago

The Chicago Beans Indiana University–

(The Cubs) Purdue University
Indianapolis (IUPUI)
 He ge mo no cle is pro udonto ann ou nce ou r
fir st ado pti Fai r!
e ani ma ls aw ait ing a
Co me me et the uni qu e stu den t ho me
"lo vin g" col leg
- Re ne' e Go nza les

Find our
mission Here!

Cotton Candy
Spot
He’s just a regular dog Though CC and her 7
except that he’s missing his doms are not technically
lower jaw. But we promise up for adoption, they
he’s totally fine. Don’t even would still love to go
home with one lucky
worry about it.
xx
x-x x
Scot!
) x x- x x x
e; Cannibal
M
Call
He is a creepy
wooden puppet. He
won’t kill you in
your sleep :)

Giggles

Giggles loves to give

tickles with its
many hands.
Master Cock

Like Master Chief, from

Halo. We know Video
Games.
Max the Cat
Puffer
We totally didn't take
This is what happens Max from the library
when you snort too for this...
much kitty litter.
T
his previous Friday, a sheltered freshman boy from the East
Coast (of course) named Devin, a 5’3 scrawny esports choir
kid, tragically passed out after inhaling one puff of a Mango
Puff Bar at the Weedian. This has resulted in Public Safety
and the ambulance appearing after various neighbors called
about a girl screaming about her “fucking mango puff bar.”
“He took the last puff of my mango puff bar, just to die or something”
says fellow Southern Californian freshman, Mikayleigheigh, “now I
have to ask my plug to sell again.”
After the incident last Friday, Macalester President, Suzanne Rivera
reminded students in a school wide email to “chill the fuck out. Y’all
are doing too much over a mango puff bar. Devin is currently
hyperventilating in his dorm after his mother screamed at him for
losing her trust and breaking their, ‘honest Christian values.’
Poor kid is probably shitting himself while I’m sending this out. Next
time just don’t give out your puff bar when it’s almost dead.”
Devin’s roommate, Mike, told interviewers that “Devin hasn’t
showered since Friday. He’s too scared of vapor. He reeks.”
As of now, Devin asked his RA to tell his floor to stop dropping off puff
bars at his door. His RA told him to “stop screaming each time he opens
his door.”
 Graduation Speech
In anticipation of
unbearably cheesy and
unrealistically hopeful
graduation speeches, I
decided to write my own and
publish it cuz no one can stop Welcome friends, family, faculty, loose acquaintances, ex-lovers, & mortal enemies…
me and at this point, I've
got nothing to lose. This one While it was a clear oversight on the administration’s part, I am so honored to have
goes out to the Class of been given the opportunity to speak in front of all of you today. Before I officially
2022 and to everyone who begin, I want to offer my most sincere congratulations to my fellow graduates who
fucking hated it here. have worked so hard to be here today (except you Geoffrey, fuck you). I also want to
show my deepest thanks to our professors who never hesitated to ignore every single
Sophia Vischer email that we ever sent them.

The Urban Dictionary defines College as, “the loneliest place that I ever been to” and then they just send you to the page
for Consumer Fraud… go figure.
Who can believe that it was only 4 years ago when we all received our acceptance letters from Macalester College? I’m
sure none of us could have ever imagined the irreparable damage to our bodies, minds, and souls that would inevitably
follow. But now, as I look out at all of your shining faces, I can confirm two things: I genuinely only know about seven of
you and all of this meant nothing -- after four years we’re not any smarter, we're just sadder, more jaded, in far more debt,
and also probably have gonorrhea.
Fortunately for us, the challenges that we have faced at Macalester have also provided us with the skills necessary to
succeed in the real world, skills like…
Reckless but somehow still effective time management Getting mono
Using public transportation without ever paying Giving mono
Self-care Concealing absurd volumes of alcohol
Self-sabotage How to burn all of your bridges
Hiding your wealth that being said, I just watched geoffrey down an incredulous
How to set the table for a ladies’ luncheon amount of everclear and there are at least 8 people who I
Basic first aid know for a fact have flasks on their person right now —
Instagram infographic proficiency myself included
With skills like this, no goal is out of reach for the Class of 2022 as we begin the next chapter of our lives. In fact, many of
our peers already have pretty concrete post-grad plans. Whether they’ve been accepted to graduate or medical school, have
been offered a job, or are starting a new internship, I just need everyone to recognize how fucking insane that is. Please take
a minute to ask the person next to you what their post-graduation plans are and if they answer with anything other than “no
idea” or bursting into tears, I want you to punch them in their face. [hold for punching]
Before I give my closing remarks, I think it’s important that we take this time to actively lower everyone’s expectations of
what our futures hold. First and foremost, we are not Macalester’s best nor brightest. We are the ones who were too
stubborn to transfer, refused to leave out of pure spite, or didn’t know that switching schools was even an option.
Conversely, we ARE the future but that is a fact that should be making everyone very, very scared. Finally, not everyone
can be destined for greatness. In fact, most of us are destined for insufferable and absolutely inescapable mediocrity. So, as
some guy somewhere has probably said, don’t cry because it’s over, cry because it’s only downhill from here.
In closing, as we go our separate ways, here are a couple things to always keep in mind…

1. Don’t be a dick 7. You can’t go wrong with arson

2. Remember to vote 8. Fame is fame
3. Do drugs but just be careful about it 9. Change your underwear
4. Cry on company time 10. Sometimes it’s okay to just be good enough
5. Always practice safe sex 11. You are loved
6. Don’t take yourself too seriously 12. There’s always OnlyFans

And please, if you believe in a higher power, pray that it gets better from here because if college really was “the best
years of our lives,” we are absolutely fucking screwed.

Goodnight, goodluck, and godspeed fellow graduates – go kick some ass and burn some bridges
 B
A O u T S t A ff
H
T E
D F urry
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Of ling a ng y
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Crri c u tt ceili
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zale s
G o n Dan Bially Levy
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a t ches
W
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Fugly li
ttle
biyotch
<3
Sophia Vischer
n ' t like es
s i
Doe en tend
k Her "Friend” is a
chic Clown torturer???
top on d
r
lap ers laine
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k p
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H

Left
Handed
Daniela Martinez Anina Peersen
Reactions last Issue's *obviously
Fake* Giveaway

Better
luck
Nice Tr next
y -
Can't Sc
the Heg
am time >:)
e!