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<i>Thanksgiving in new york</i>
<i>is a wonderful time.</i>

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<i>It's a time for giving</i>
<i>of yourself,</i>

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<i>For thinking</i>
<i>of your fellow man...</i>

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<i>A time when the unforgiving city</i>

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<i>Becomes a little kinder.</i>

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Well, I just ralphed.

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How much did you guys
drink last night?

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Not how much... What?

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The thankstini.

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A fun

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And delicious
new novelty drink I invented.

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Cranberry juice, potato vodka,
and a bouillon cube.
14
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Tastes just like
a turkey dinner.

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Mmm, it's like
thanksgiving in my mouth!

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You want a good holiday drink,

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Try his kwanzaapolitan.

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( <i>Car honking outside</i>)

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The shuttle's here!

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He hasn't been back home
to minnesota since christmas.

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He's a little excited.

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Lily, we're holding up
the shuttle.

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Do you have everything

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You need... toothbrush, pajamas,
underpants?

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Underpants!

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So, lil...

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Marshall's family.

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A whole weekend
with the future in-laws.

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You excited?

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Yeah, no, it'll be fun.

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Lily, you just said,
"yeah, no."

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Did I?

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No. I-I love marshall's family.

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Oh.
But yeah, no, it'll be great.

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You just did it again.

36
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Yeah, no, shut up.

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So you're not going home
for thanksgiving?

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No, I have to work
on Friday. You?

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I'm canadian, remember?

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We celebrate thanksgiving
in October.

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Oh, right, I forgot.

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You guys are weird.

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You pronounce the word
"out," "oat."

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You guys are the world's leader
in handgun violence,

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Your healthcare system
is bankrupt,

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And your country
is deeply divided

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On almost every important issue.

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Your cops are called
"mounties."

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So probably hanging out
with barney, then?

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No. Barney's got his own
thanksgiving tradition.

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Thanksgiving in a strip club.

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Who's in?

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The lusty leopard has

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A surprisingly good
thanksgiving buffet.

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Plus they do this thing:

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Heather dresses up as a pilgrim,

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And misty dresses up
as an indian,

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And they share a meal together.

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Oh, barney.

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I'm sorry...

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Native american.

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I think I'm gonna
go to a homeless
shelter, serve food.

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That's awesome!

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Yeah, I though I'd
just spend the day
giving back, you know?

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Doing some good.

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Canceling out barney.
67
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Exactly.

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Where are all my underpants!

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Did you check your suitcase?

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Let's go!

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Ted <i>and go they went...</i>

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<i>All the way</i>
<i>to st. Cloud, minnesota,</i>

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<i>Marshall's hometown.</i>

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<i>And as lily stepped into</i>

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<i>Her fiancé's boyhood home,</i>
<i>she received a big welcome.</i>

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Hello, we're home!

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Hello... Hey...

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<i>A very big welcome.</i>

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<i>You see, at six-foot-four,</i>

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<i>Marshall was the runt</i>
<i>of the eriksen clan.</i>
81
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Wow,
I forgot how tall you guys are.

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Where's my almost
daughter-in-law?

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Lily:
Here I am!

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Oh...

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Oh, you got yourself
a great little bride here, son.

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All right, now.

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No fartin' around!

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Put your skates
and your pads on, boys!

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Game on in five minutes!

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Yeah, all right.

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Oh, you're gonna play hockey?

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With a basketball?

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Well, it's sort of
a combination of the two.
94
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We call it bask-ice-ball.

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We invented it.

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It's the most dangerous
and awesome sport in the world.

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Bask-ice-ball?

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Not ice-ketball?

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Ice-ketball?

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That just sounds weird.

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It's bask-ice-ball,
okay?

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And I'm the best.

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You wish.

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Well, maybe that's just 'cause
you haven't seen me play.

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Oh...

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I don't know, honey.

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It's not really
a sport for a girl.
108
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Well, that's funny, because your
brother throws like a girl.

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All:
Oh...

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Marcus!

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This is going to be great.

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I know. I'm so psyched
we did this.

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Look at all these people,

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Giving up their thanksgiving

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These have got to
be the best people
in new york.

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♪ ...To grandmother's house...
'scuse me, guys.

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Coming through.

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Barney?

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Well, hi guys.

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What are you doing here?
121
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Oh, just the lord's work.

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But you're satan.

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Guys, okay, look.

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I don't advertise it,
but I volunteer here.

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I think it's important

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To help the less fortunate.

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I'm the angelina jolie
of incredibly hot guys.

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This is a joke, right?

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You don't actually
volunteer here.

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Barney, we need you out front.

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There's a logjam
on the stuffing line.

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Can you show them
how it's done?
!
I'm on it.

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Wait, so this is real?
Barney does this?
134
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Every Sunday, all year long.

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He's our best volunteer.

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That's 'cause I was trained
by the best, kendall.

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Anyway, we're psyched
to be here, kendall.

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What do you need us to do?

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Uh, go home.

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We're full.

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What?
We're volunteers.

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We're unpaid help.

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Can you ever really have
enough unpaid help?

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On the biggest volunteer day
of the year?

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Yeah, you can.

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Come on, we just want
to help out.
147
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Kendall, they're cool.

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Fine, but I'm not promising
anything.

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Wait here.

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We'll let you know
if we need you,

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Okay, well, I'd better
get back out there.

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There's a lot of food
to give out.

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And a lot of smiles.

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Oh, I almost forgot.

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I know it's early, but...

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You are
a future mrs. Eriksen.

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Thank you!

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Well, it'll go great
with my, uh...

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I just love it.

160
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Okay, lily, we're
putting you on salad duty.

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Oh, I make this great
frisee and endive salad

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With a coriander-
lime vinaigrette.

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But this is an american holiday.

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Lily,

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Now that you're going
to be a mrs. Eriksen,

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I'm going to let you in
on a secret recipe:

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The eriksen family
seven-layer salad.

168
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Seven-layer salad?

169
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"Six cups of mayonnaise"?

170
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That can't be right.

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Oh, no, dear.
16 cups.

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Mayo's in that cabinet.

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Oh, my god.

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There is some serious
bask-ice-ball

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Going on out there.

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Dad totally nailed marcus
in the face with a snowball,

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Which is a foul,

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'cause you only get one snowball
per possession,

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So I nailed him
in the shin
with my skate

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And I totally dunked it!

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Yeah, you were sittin' pretty

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Till I whacked you
with that mallet.

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Hey, gorgeous.

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You having fun?

185
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Yeah, but...
But I kind of miss you.

186
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Could you stay in here
for a little bit?

187
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem.

188
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It's halftime.

189
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Oh, halftime's over!

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Get your butts
out here! Come on.

191
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And I hope you like
the taste of skate, dorko!

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Go.

193
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Thanks, baby.

194
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Aw, isn't this great?

195
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Can't you see why everyone
from my high school

196
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Stays in this town?

197
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Hey, marvin, you're
the dorko, dorko.

198
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Man, it's amazing out there.

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I've done so much good today,
200
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I've got like a soul boner.

201
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Man, he way the faces
of the less fortunate light up

202
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When you give them
a hot, nutritious meal.

203
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Is there a better feeling
on earth?

204
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Yesterday you said
the best feeling on earth

205
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Was getting your toes sucked.

206
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Then you requested
a high-five... with your foot.

207
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Hey, barn, what do you say
you let us sub in for you,

208
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,622
Scoop stuffing for a little bit?

209
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:40,425
You want to scoop stuffing
your first day out?

210
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Hello? Nfl?

211
00:07:41,395 --> 00:07:42,627
Can I be quarterback
this Sunday?

212
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,795
Dude.

213
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Okay, I finished

214
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The gummi bear layer
of the... Salad.

215
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What's next?

216
00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:56,141
Potato chips. Of course.

217
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,409
So, lily...

218
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When are you gonna start
thinking about having a baby?

219
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,279
Baby?

220
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:04,483
Uh, you know, I hadn't
really thought about it.

221
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At all.

222
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,319
Ted:
<i>Actually, aunt lily was lying.</i>

223
00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:09,321
<i>It was all she'd been</i>
<i>thinking about.</i>

224
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,156
<i>You see, remember</i>
<i>when she said...</i>

225
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,291
Well, I just ralphed...
226
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:16,127
Ted:
<i>At that point,</i>
<i>she was five days late.</i>

227
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,363
<i>This was day six.</i>

228
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:21,500
Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young
to have a baby, right?

229
00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,702
Oh, are you kidding?

230
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,470
I was younger than you
when I had marcus.

231
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,539
Beautiful
15-pound boy.

232
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Not much bigger
than this turkey right here.

233
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Oh, boy.

234
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Ted:
Now, if lily was already uneasy

235
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<i>About joining</i>
<i>the eriksen family,</i>

236
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<i>Imagine how she felt</i>
<i>about possibly having</i>

237
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<i>A 15-pound eriksen</i>
<i>growing inside of her.</i>
238
00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:54,699
That's a big baby, judy.

239
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The doctor thought he was twins.

240
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,436
( <i>Weak laugh</i>):
Twins!

241
00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:01,373
Twins!

242
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,410
This is crazy!

243
00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:07,178
When did it get so hard
to do charity work?

244
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,314
I do charity work all the time.

245
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,149
Remember when I said
I'd find you a girlfriend?

246
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Delightful.

247
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:14,185
How's that little project
coming along anyway?

248
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,654
I'm working on it.

249
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:18,023
I'm gonna introduce you to that
girl you've been staring at.

250
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,558
What? That's crazy,
I haven't been staring

251
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,360
At any girl...
Have you met ted?

252
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,829
Hi. I'm the
aforementioned ted.

253
00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:27,165
And this is...
Um, gone.

254
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,567
I'm amanda.
Hi.

255
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:30,201
So, uh, what do you
do here, ted?

256
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,871
Well, I've been...
Um, nothing.

257
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,606
I do nothing.

258
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:36,074
Well, if you want
to do something,

259
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,242
You and your girlfriend

260
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,343
Can help sort through
these donations.

261
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,178
Oh, um, I'm not his girlfriend.

262
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:42,681
I used to be, but, um,

263
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,417
I just wasn't
enough woman
for ted emotionally

264
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:47,552
Or sexually.

265
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,020
( <i>Whispering</i>):
Oh, my god.

266
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,356
So, amanda...

267
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:53,458
What do you need us to do?

268
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,926
Okay, this is important.

269
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,128
Go through all these boxes
of food donations,

270
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,730
Take out the really good stuff,

271
00:09:58,732 --> 00:09:59,864
And put it into this box.

272
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:00,899
Got it.

273
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,200
Consider it sorted.

274
00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:04,603
Hey, we're in business.

275
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:07,639
Hey, barney's not gonna get
all the glory today.

276
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:12,544
Let's start with this one.

277
00:10:12,546 --> 00:10:14,145
Yeah.

278
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,447
Amen.

279
00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:16,615
All:
Amen.

280
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:19,551
Look who came to say good night.

281
00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:21,319
It's little martin.

282
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,154
Three months old.

283
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:23,989
Months?

284
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,323
Three months.

285
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,225
He's been drinking his milk.

286
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,060
( <i>All agree</i> )

287
00:10:31,497 --> 00:10:33,932
And she's already
pregnant again?

288
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:37,002
Well, that's 'cause those
eriksen boys' boys can swim.

289
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:39,704
They've got two tails
and a drill bit for a head.

290
00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,574
Dad, you're embarrassing me!

291
00:10:42,576 --> 00:10:45,243
Oh, don't worry about it, son.
She's cool.

292
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,344
She's going to be an eriksen.

293
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:49,080
Yeah. Well, well, not literally,

294
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,149
'cause, you know,
I'm keeping my name.

295
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:55,020
But... The apron.

296
00:10:57,189 --> 00:10:58,823
Well, we haven't
actually decided

297
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,125
Anything yet, so we're...

298
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:01,793
Lily:
No, I've decided

299
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:04,195
And I'm keeping my own name.

300
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,531
But eriksen is
a great last name.

301
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,401
People know the eriksens.

302
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:13,371
Well, sure, in st. Cloud,

303
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:16,274
But our kids aren't going to
be growing up in st. Cloud.

304
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,942
Right, baby?

305
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,446
Well, why not st. Cloud?

306
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:24,049
I mean, I loved
growing up in st. Cloud.

307
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,484
St. Cloud is a great place
to have a childhood.

308
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,620
Well, so is new york.

309
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:30,855
( <i>All laughing</i>)

310
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,057
What? It <i>is.</i>

311
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,125
And we grew up just fine.

312
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:37,362
And we grew to the proper
size and then we stopped.

313
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:45,170
Hey, amanda, what's
this box for?

314
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,337
Oh, that's for me.

315
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,639
You can put it in my car.

316
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:50,975
In your car, um, and
then you'll take it...?

317
00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:54,212
Home. Yeah, we get so much extra
food, no one can eat it all.
318
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:58,550
Ooh, truffle oil. Score!

319
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,552
People donated this food

320
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,253
Thinking it was going
to feed the hungry.

321
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:05,390
I know. And I'm starving.

322
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,495
But, marshall,
you love new york.

323
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:13,198
Yes, I do, but you always said

324
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,533
That when we have kids, you
wanted to move out of manhattan.

325
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,602
Yeah, to brooklyn.

326
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:20,338
Why are we even
talking about this?

327
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,440
This is like way down the road.

328
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,375
<i>But lily knew</i>
<i>"way down the road"</i>

329
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,778
<i>Might not be</i>
<i>so far down the road.</i>

330
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,415
I need to go to the restroom.
331
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,183
Lily, the bathroom's
the other way.

332
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,518
<i>So she literally</i>
<i>headed down the road.</i>

333
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:34,619
( <i>door slams</i>)

334
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,121
Lily?!

335
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,455
( <i>Car starting</i>)

336
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,590
Lily!

337
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,731
So, wait, not only have you not
done any good for anyone today,

338
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:49,768
You're actually helping someone
steal from the homeless?

339
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,871
You know, ted, it's called
thanksgiving, not <i>thankstaking</i>

340
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:53,873
Damn.

341
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:57,242
Barney, you needed me to sign
your time sheet, right?

342
00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,611
Barney:
Oh, yeah,
right. Thanks.

343
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:00,645
Barney.
344
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:01,813
Yeah, what's up?

345
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,481
You have a time sheet?

346
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:04,783
No one else has a time sheet.

347
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:05,950
Yeah. So?

348
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,152
All right, let me see that.

349
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,120
That's my private,
personal business!

350
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:12,457
Court-mandated
community service?

351
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,325
Oh my god, you're on probation?

352
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,560
What did you do?

353
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:18,963
That's my private,
personal business.

354
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:21,633
( <i>Siren wailing</i> )

355
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:28,306
I was unfairly punished
because the wall

356
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,074
Belonged to the judge's church.

357
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:32,177
You peed on a church?

358
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:35,180
I peed in an alley,
which happened to have a church,

359
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,348
Which I did not see
because I was drunk.

360
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:41,019
Oh, you <i>are</i> evil.

361
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:43,855
Ah, all's right
with the world again.

362
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:46,024
Okay, fine, so a judge
is making me do this.

363
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,293
But I'm still doing it.

364
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:51,296
And kicking ass at it, btw.

365
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:54,499
When's the last time either of
you did something good, huh?

366
00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:00,839
Kendall. Ah, kendall.

367
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:04,843
Amanda is stealing portobello
mushrooms from homeless people.

368
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,512
Amanda.

369
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:10,348
I called dibs on the
portobello mushrooms.

370
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,617
Those are for the hungry.

371
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:13,785
I know.

372
00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:15,119
And I'm starving.

373
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:22,694
Those are good mushrooms.

374
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,195
Mushrooms. Mushrooms.

375
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,630
Portobello mushrooms
for everyone.

376
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:27,632
Take them and run!

377
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,634
They're very expensive.

378
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,073
Happy thanksgiving.

379
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,709
"Happy thanksgiving." huh.

380
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:38,743
As in "check out the chick

381
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,178
"buying the knockup test,
everybody.

382
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,013
Wonder what must be going
through her head?"

383
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,648
Yeah, well, since you asked,

384
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:47,385
A family of mayonnaise-guzzling
giants is trying to suck me

385
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,822
Into their suburban nightmare,
and there's a solid chance

386
00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:53,758
That I have an eriksen
the size of a 15-pound turkey

387
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,060
Growing inside of me!

388
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,630
Oh, you know the eriksens?

389
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,599
You're marshall's fiancée.

390
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,835
Fantastic.

391
00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:04,669
So nice to meet you.

392
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,938
You are taller than described.

393
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:10,742
Look, I'm sorry
I just yelled at you.

394
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,077
You mind if I use your bathroom?

395
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,045
Don't have one.

396
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:15,880
What do you do
when you have to...?

397
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:18,082
I hold it.
398
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:21,352
( <i>Slurping</i>)

399
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:26,524
You can't fire a volunteer.

400
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:27,725
Apparently you can.

401
00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:31,462
And his two non-
mushroom-throwing friends.

402
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:34,299
I can't believe I told
kendall you guys were cool.

403
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:37,201
I have 40 hours left
on my community service

404
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:38,603
And now I've gotta spend it

405
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,339
Spearing trash
on a freakin' median strip.

406
00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:46,311
Volunteer of the <i>year!</i>

407
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,813
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay?

408
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,415
Look, if there's
anything I can do

409
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,750
To make it up to you just
tell me. I'll-I'll do it.

410
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:53,952
Ted, I'm glad you asked.

411
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:56,955
( <i>Up-tempo</i> ):
♪ domo arigato, mr. Roboto

412
00:15:56,957 --> 00:16:00,558
♪ domo... Domo

413
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,594
♪ domo arigato, mr. Roboto

414
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:04,495
Surprisingly good.

415
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:06,130
Right? I told you so.

416
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:07,799
Public urination.

417
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,568
Who gets arrested
for public urination?

418
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,503
Lily's been arrested.

419
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:13,805
Oh, dear. What for?

420
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:17,308
Public urination.

421
00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:27,585
Thanks, pete.

422
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,121
No problemo, marsh.

423
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:32,123
You all right?

424
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:36,327
No. I embarrassed myself
in front of your family,

425
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,329
And now I'm celebrating
thanksgiving

426
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,932
In probably the most
depressing place ever.

427
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:43,968
♪ Domo arigato, mr. Roboto

428
00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:47,105
Well, I'm glad that you're safe.

429
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,539
Hey, weird question.

430
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,708
Why did you drive three miles
down route 23

431
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,977
And take a pee behind
a convenience store?

432
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:55,947
Okay, I'll tell you,
but before I do, promise me

433
00:16:55,949 --> 00:16:58,683
That we are not gonna move to
st. Cloud, minnesota. Promise.

434
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,185
I'm not suggesting that we move
here tomorrow, I'm just...

435
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:02,320
Promise.

436
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:03,821
Why do you want me
to promise you that?

437
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,390
Because I don't fit in here.
438
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,824
I'm not eight feet tall,

439
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,826
And I don't think
you could call it a salad

440
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,895
If it has funyuns in it.

441
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,163
I'm <i>funyuns.</i>

442
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:16,000
And mayonnaise and gummi bears
and bask-ice-ball,

443
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:16,901
And I love st. Cloud.

444
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:19,003
And, yes, there is a part of me

445
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,505
That would like
to move here someday,

446
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:22,040
And why are we
having this discussion

447
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:24,308
In a jail cell on thanksgiving?

448
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:27,311
Okay, personal effects.

449
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:28,479
One wallet.

450
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:29,380
One cell phone.

451
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,917
One... Pregnancy test.
452
00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:42,393
Pete arrested me
before I could look at it.

453
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,170
Whoa.

454
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,404
Yeah.

455
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:57,675
Lily, we can't let our kids
play bask-ice-ball.

456
00:17:57,677 --> 00:18:01,279
Bask-ice-ball is
really dangerous.

457
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,414
Yeah, what are the rules
to that game anyway?

458
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:04,515
There are no rules.

459
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,952
We just whale on each other.

460
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:14,492
Look, I don't want to be
exactly like my family.

461
00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:18,062
And don't take this
the wrong way,

462
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:21,966
But I don't want to be
exactly like your family either.

463
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:25,436
We'll be our own family.

464
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:29,941
And we'll find our own way
to freak out the people

465
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,142
Our kids bring home.

466
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,948
Great, now I'm crying.

467
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:40,318
We may have some really
big decisions to make

468
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,053
In about ten seconds.

469
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:43,955
But right now,

470
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,623
I don't care where
our kids grow up,

471
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,159
As long as they have
you for a father.

472
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,265
Gosh, I hope you're the father.

473
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:57,735
Just a little joke to
lighten up the mood.

474
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:03,174
What does it say?

475
00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:05,943
I'm afraid to look.

476
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,478
Pete:
It's negative!

477
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,947
Oh, thank god.
478
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:11,315
Oh, thank god.

479
00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:14,318
And, hey!

480
00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:18,723
Ted. Are you listening?

481
00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:21,092
You're a good guy.

482
00:19:21,094 --> 00:19:23,027
Want to know why I
have to work tomorrow?

483
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,195
My firm's designing

484
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,797
An executive lounge
for a tobacco company.

485
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:29,934
In the fight against cancer,
I'm on the side of cancer.

486
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:30,936
Barney: Okay,
ted, I found

487
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,537
A way for you to help someone.

488
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:33,437
To do some good.

489
00:19:33,439 --> 00:19:34,172
This is waiter.

490
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:36,040
Walter is homeless.

491
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,442
And waiter would
like a lap dance.

492
00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:39,877
Are you joking?

493
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:44,182
I never joke about the sublime
art of burlesque entertainment.

494
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:46,617
No, barney, that's insane.

495
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:49,187
Sir, would you like me to buy
you a ticket to the buffet?

496
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,022
No, I'm stuffed.

497
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:53,491
Just a lap dance will be fine.

498
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:56,027
Ted, waiter's been to
three shelter dinners.

499
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:57,528
You know where he hasn't been?

500
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:00,531
To heaven with samantha.

501
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,401
Look, it's the one chance
you've had all day

502
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:04,902
To help someone in need.

503
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,637
Now, buy this man a lap dance.

504
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:11,642
You said you wanted to see the
look of joy in someone's eyes.
505
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:15,112
You know, I don't think
I'm going to watch.

506
00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:18,216
Here you go, waiter.

507
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:19,717
Happy thanksgiving.

508
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,486
Thank you so much.

509
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:24,722
No, really. Thank you.

510
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:30,094
Happy thanksgiving, guys.

511
00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:34,565
Thanksgiving in November.

512
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:35,967
Weird.

513
00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:41,706
( <i>Slow-tempo</i> ): ♪ I treat it
like a high school dance ♪

514
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:44,875
Ted:
So, that was thanksgiving 2005.

515
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,911
<i>To be honest,</i>
<i>it didn't go great.</i>

516
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,879
<i>But life has</i>
<i>plenty of good parts,</i>

517
00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:51,015
<i>It's the rough parts</i>
<i>that make you thankful</i>

518
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,917
<i>You have people</i>
<i>to share it with.</i>

519
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:55,753
♪ ...Stare at my shoes

520
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,422
♪ you belong to me

521
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,925
♪ I belong to you

522
00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:11,035
♪ I could tell
an antique lie... ♪

523
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:11,869
Hey.

524
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:14,138
I saw what you did for that guy.

525
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:15,306
It was really sweet.

526
00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:16,107
Oh...

527
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:17,942
Do you want a dance?

528
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:19,977
Uh, no, thanks.

529
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:21,479
Do you want some yams?

530
00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:23,581
No, thanks.

531
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:24,482
I'm amber.

532
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,916
I'm ted.

533
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:28,986
Actually... I'm tracy.

534
00:21:28,988 --> 00:21:31,922
Still ted.

535
00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:35,626
<i>And that, kids, is the true</i>
<i>story of how I met your mother.</i>

536
00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:36,628
What?!
What?!

537
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:38,129
I'm kidding.