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Max Williams

Mrs. Wold

ERWC Period 5

13 January 2022

Scholarship Essay

Prompt:

You are on your own now and you must calculate how you will survive on your

own with no help.

Current Grade From This Assignment:

In this essay, I believed I scored an 85% which I was pretty happy with but I still

feel like I could improve upon myself.

Hello, my name is Max Williams. I’m soongoing to graduate from Great Oak High

School in the next few hours. My parents said they are going to kick me out of the

house as soon as I get home, but luckily, I have enough money to get through my first

month of rent from my previous employer at Home Depot. As for choosing a place to

live, I'm going to share a house with one of my friends and split the rent. The monthly

rent for the apartments nearby is $2050 per month for a decent house in Temecula, but I

think I'll stick to splitting the rent with a friend or two. About two miles down the road,

there is a Home Depot I have been working at for the past few months. I drive my Ford

Ranger to get to work and school every day. I get paid $14.10 an hour at Home Depot, I

currently work from 1 PM to 10 PM. Currently, I’m in the process of moving into my new

house with some of my friends from High School Matthew and Zach. I'm sad that I have
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to live on my own but ready to see where this adventure takes me. My main goal is to

work for the IBEW which is an electrician union with offices located all over SoCal. I

would plan to work in Riverside with about a 45-minute commute depending on the job

site. This program is free to do but requires you to pass a few tests and go through the

5-year apprenticeship program where you will go to school a few days a week and work

in the field as well. I drive 30 miles to get to work every day. The rent costs about 1000

dollars per month, this includes utilities as well. I plan on getting some financial aid to

help with food if I need it since I come from a low-income family. I love to ride my bike

and lucky in Temecula, the skate park is not very far away, I would like to try and do as

much as I can to stay fit and healthy. This is my budget far, currently, I have 2,000

dollars I saved up from my job during my senior year. As for my budget, I usually allow

myself to go out to eat once every week which costs me about 15$, but sometimes I get

drinks or snacks while I’m at work which runs me up around 5$. Depending on the day I

might get Del Taco since they’re cheap on Tuesdays. Overall I’m spending 20$ on going

out to eat and about 50$ on groceries such as paper plates, forks, spoons, and

beverages. Gas is also going to run me about $3000 a year. I can’t forget about

entertainment and for that, I factored in 1000$ a year. The total cost for First-year =

12,000+3000+1200+1000 = 17,200 dollars. My car is paid off so I don't have to pay for it

every year as I purchased it. I do pay for car insurance which is 1500 dollars. Then

another 1,000 for extra things I might buy around the house for example maybe a fan,

or cooking utensils, etc….The final total cost of living is 18,700 dollars which are perfect

because I make about 30,000 dollars a year, which will allow me to save up some

money to maybe eventually buy a house or for a rainy day when my car breaks down,
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or maybe there is some major medical issue goes on like I broke my arm and I need to

pay the insurance deductible.

Revised Essay

Hello, my name is Max Williams. I’m soon going to graduate from Great Oak

High School in the next few hours. My parents said they are going to kick me out of the

house as soon as I get home, but thank goodness I have enough money to get through

my first month of rent from my previous employer at Home Depot. As for choosing a

place to live, I'm going to share a house with one of my friends and split the rent. The

monthly rent for the apartments nearby is approximately $2050 per month for a decent

house in Temecula, but I think I'll stick to splitting the rent with a friend or two. About two

miles down the road, there is a Home Depot I have been working overtime for the past

few months. I drive my Ford Ranger to get to work and school every day. I get paid

$14.10 an hour at Home Depot, I currently work from 1 PM to 10 PM. Currently, I’m in

the process of moving into my new house with some of my friends from High School

Matthew and Zach. I'm pretty bummed that I have to live on my own but ready to see

where this adventure takes me. My main goal is to work for the IBEW which is an

electrician union with office locations all over SoCal. I would plan to work in Riverside

with about a 45-minute commute depending on the job site. This program is free to do

but will require you to pass a few tests and go through the 5-year apprenticeship

program where you will go to school a few days a week and work in the field as well.

Although, I drive 30 miles to get to work every day. The rent costs about 1000 dollars

per month, this includes utilities as well. I plan on getting some financial aid to help with
 Williams 4

housing if I need it since I would qualify. I love to ride my bike and luckily in Temecula,

the skate park is not very far away, I would like to try and do as much as I can to stay fit

and healthy. This is my budget far, currently, I have 2,000 dollars I saved up from my job

during my senior year. As for my budget, I usually allow myself to go out to eat once

every week which costs me about 15$, but alternatively I get drinks or snacks while I’m

at work which runs me up around 5$. Depending on the day I might go a little extra and

get Del Taco since they’re cheap on Tuesdays. Overall I’m spending 20$ on going out to

eat and about 50$ on groceries such as paper plates, forks, spoons, and beverages.

Gas is also going to run me about $3000 a year. I can’t forget about entertainment and

for that, I factored in 1000$ a year. The total cost for First-year =

12,000+3000+1200+1000 = 17,200 dollars. My car is paid off so I don't have to pay for it

as I paid in full for it. I do pay for car insurance which is 1500 dollars. Then another

1,000 for extra things I might buy around the house for example maybe a fan, or

cooking utensils, etc….The final total cost of living is 18,700 dollars which are perfect

because I make about 30,000 dollars a year, which will allow me to save up some

money to maybe eventually buy a house or for a rainy day when my car breaks down,

or maybe there is some major medical issue goes on like I broke my arm and I need to

pay the insurance deductible.

Reflection

In my paragraph revision I specifically targeted my word choice and focused on

not repeating words as often. I feel like my biggest weak point is the repetition of words

and also using the same words over and over again. I feel like if I were to fix this issue
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my essay would provide a better sense of knowledge to the reader while also expanding

my word choice to help me enhance my writing abilities. While doing this it helps me

cause it creates a habit where in all of my future riding I tend to use different words.

As far as improvements go as a writer I feel like I’ve expanded my word

vocabulary a great amount since freshman year since I’ve been riding a lot more over

the past year or so. I’ve improved quite a bit compared to junior year, not just my word

choice but overall grammar and ideas. I feel like I would be a more creative writer now

that I’ve learned to use my imagination a little more. I struggled a lot with creating a

good idea or making a story up. Now I feel like I can make a story just right in my head

and this is mostly due to me riding more and more often.