ALICE: I don't know.

If only we could pull another duke out of

our hats. (Snaps her fingers) Wait a second! Why can't we pull
another duke out of our hats?
ADAM (Suspicious): I don't like that look in your eye.
ALICE (Scheming): You're a man! You've got his clothes.
ADAM: They won't fit!
ALICE: We'll make 'em fit!
ADAM: I don't want to marry some Lord's daughter!
All’s Faire ALICE: There are lots of things in life we don't want to do, but
by we do 'em anyway! Gettin' up on cold, snowy mornings. Poppin'
boils. Planting potatoes come spring.
Craig Sodaro
ADAM: Throwing my whole life away with a woman I've never
even met doesn't even compare with planting potatoes, Alice.
SCENE 1 TIME: 1346, morning.
ALICE: Yeah, but I'll bet you have some little potatoes running
SETTING: A woods by a stream, somewhere in England, played around the house before too long.
before curtain.
ADAM (Exasperated): Alice, you're not thinking straight!
BEFORE RISE: ALICE and ADAM stand at edge of stage, Eventually, when we return to the castle, this woman's going to
peering into audience. ADAM holds clothes. find out I'm not Duke Snarteford, but his servant. Won't she be a
ADAM: Duke Snarteford, grab that branch! tad upset?
SNARTEFORD (From off): Help! I can't swim! ALICE: She'll be so overwhelmed with her castle and the fact
ALICE: Grab the branch! that she inherits everything that she'll forgive us. Besides, let's
cross that bridge when we come to it.
ADAM: Oh, dear! He missed that one!
ADAM: I won't do this, Alice.
ALICE: This current's too fast for him!
ALICE: Adam, I've known you since you were a little boy. And I
SNARTEFORD (Fading away): Help me! Help me!
know you can be very stubborn.
ALICE: He's heading for the waterfall!
ADAM: That's right!
ADAM: Grab those vines, Duke Snarteford! Grab the vines!
ALICE: But I always knew one way to get you to do what I
ALICE (Wincing): Oh, dear, look at him go! wanted.
ADAM (Pointing): Look! He's near the edge! ADAM: There's nothing you can say or do that will force me into
ALICE (Covering eyes): I can't look! this ridiculous charade.
SNARTEFORD (Distantly, off): Helllllp! AUCE: I'll bet you a shilling this will have you walking up the
ADAM: He's gone! (Shakes head) Poor Duke Snarteford. He aisle! (ALICE pulls huge wooden paddle from under her apron.
never should have waded into the stream for that bath. ADAM screams, runs off left.) You get back here, young man!
You're going to be the duke! (ALICE races off left as the lights
ALICE (Wryly): He was on his way to get married. The man dim.)
needed a bath.
SCENE 2
ADAM: He'd had one a month ago.
TIME: That afternoon.
ALICE: Adam, he smelled like an old cheese! He couldn't meet
his bride in that state. SETTING: Village of Whiffing Downs. There is a small stage up
center. Sign above stage reads, WHIFFING DOWNS FAME.
ADAM: She probably won't smell any better. Booth left sells PASTIES AND PIES. Booth right advertises
ALICE: You hush, now. We've got to think what to do. FORTUNES. Flowers decorate stage, along with ribbons. A few
ADAM: What can a servant and cook do but return to the castle trees and plants may be placed here and there for decoration.
bearing the sad tidings? Several benches are set downstage.
ALICE (Worried): It's not that simple. ADAM: Why isn't it? AT RISE: MAYOR ABELOT and CHRISTINA SEAFORTH
hang ribbons on stage. ISABEL works at Pasties booth.
ALICE: The duke was on his way to marry the daughter of Lord
VILLAGERS walk about here and there.
Uffington. The only daughter. And by all accounts a real prize. If
the duke doesn't show up for the festivities and such, Lord CHRISTINA: This will be the best faire the village of Whiffing
Uffington will see this as an act of war. Downs has ever put on, Mayor Abelot.
ADAM: That's ridiculous! He'll just assume the duke changed his MAYOR: You see that in your crystal ball, Christina?
mind. All's fair in love and war. CHRISTINA: The cards, Mayor. The cards tell me all I need to
ALICE: Changed his mind?! That would be a terrible blow to the know.
Uffington’s, and Lord Uffington will bring down his army on the MAYOR: Well, I hope we get a crowd. The entry fee will help
dukedom, sure as we're standing here. make up for having to dig that new well and bury those ten cows
ADAM (Rubbing his chin): I see the danger. But what can we that up and died last year.
do?
All’s Faire | AuenSmith 1
CHRISTINA: The cards say you will have more than enough to LORD: But not for long. Tonight she'll be a duke's wife and the
pay for everything! (LORD and LADY UFFINGTON enter left.) newlyweds will be on their way to their new life.
LORD: Well, Abelot? Are we ready? LADY: Far, far away! (LORD and LADY high five.) But still ...
MAYOR: Lord Uffington! I didn't expect you 'til later. what if this duke doesn't really love my dear Matild?
LADY: It was my idea to come early, Mayor Abelot. LORD (Shrugging): I keep tolling her, you win some, you lose
some!
MAYOR (Bowing): Lady Uffington.
CHRISTINA: A mother will never see it that way.
LORD: We're a bit worried about all this marriage business.
LADY: I thought you'd understand, Christina. Won't you ... won't
MAYOR: You're not going to call it off now, are you? We expect
you look at your cards and toll me how things are going to turn
hundreds to come to the faire to witness the marriage of your
out?
daughter to Duke Snarteford!
CHRISTINA: In matters of love, that is a very dangerous thing.
LORD: No, no, no! Backing out would mean war!
LADY: But we must do something so we know this duke really
LADY: It's just that ... well, I'm worried.
loves Matild.
CHRISTINA: About what, Lady Uffington?
MAYOR: We could torture him!
LORD: Beatrix has some silly notion in her head that this duke
LORD: That's right! We could put him on the rack until he
fellow is just marrying Matild for her money.
professed undying devotion to Matild. And then if he ever
LADY: Matild is the richest girl in this entire corner of England. wavered, he'd know what was in store for him.
And some day she'll have everything we own. That makes a very
LADY: Yes! That might work!
tempting feast for a gold-digging husband.
CHRISTINA: There's an easier way. Something new ...
CHRISTINA: I see your concern.
something different. something exciting!
LORD: I've told Beatrix that there's nothing to worry about. Duke
LADY (Intrigued): What?
Snarteford will fall under Matild's spell the moment he meets her.
CHRISTINA: I wonder why nobody ever thought of this before!
MATILD (Off left): Mother!
LORD: Tell us!
LADY: In here, Matild, darling. (MATILD, barefoot, charges on
left.) CHRISTINA: The duke comes to Whiffing Downs tonight ... and
he doesn't know Matild, right?
MATILD: Where are my new shoes? LADY: In your wardrobe,
my dear. LORD: We've never even met him, so Matild surely doesn't
know who he is.
MATILD: I looked, but they're not there! Somebody took 'era!
It's probably one of those servants. I want my shoes back right CHRISTINA: Then we give him a chance to meet Matild and
now, or somebody's going to hang! two decoys.
MAYOR: Did you look under your bed? MAYOR (Puzzled): Decoys?
MATILD: Yuck! I made a servant do that and she said she didn't CHRISTINA: Other eligible females in town. And they have a
see any shoes, but I think she was lying! chance in front of the whole village to get to know each other for
say ... five minutes. And then at the end of that time, the duke
LORD: Matild, darling, you know how you misplace things.
picks.
MATILD: I don't misplace things! People hide them! And
LADY: True love will guide his hand!
somebody's going to hang for this!
LORD: Matild can't help but be chosen!
CHRISTINA: The cards will toll us where the shoes are! (She
sits on bench, laying out cards.) CHRISTINA: She's a cinch. Who else in this town is anything
like Matild?
LADY: Of course! What do they say?
MATILD (Screaming from off left): Mother! I can't find my
MATILD: Hurry up! I've got to get dressed so I can meet this
comb!
duke. And he'd better be a hunk because I'm not marrying any
loser! MAYOR: But what if he doesn't pick Matild?
LORD: You'll marry whomever I say you'll marry. CHRISTINA: He will! It's in the cards!
MATILD: I will not! LORD: Christina, it's a wonderful idea!
LORD: You will, toe! It's 1346 and what I say goes! CHRISTINA: It's just what I've been looking for! I can take it on
the road and do summer faires throughout the countryside!
MATILD: What a rotten time to be a gorgeous woman with lots
People will love it. I'll call it--The Mating Game!
of shillings to throw away!
MATILD (Screaming again): Mother!
CHRISTINA: The cards say ... in your closet under the
eiderdown comforter. LADY: I'm coming, darling! Coming! (LADY races off left.)
MATILD: Under it! What would they be doing under the MAYOR: Now to find our other contestants.
comforter? Somebody must have put them there, and whoever LORD: That won't be difficult. Hear ye! Hear ye! All unmarried
did it's going to hang! (Exits left) girls above the age of sixteen please report to the stage! All
MAYOR (Forced): Such a charming girl. unmarried girls above the age of sixteen, please report to the
CHRISTINA: It's a wonder she's still single.
All’s Faire | AuenSmith 2
stage. (ISABEL, MARGE, and WINNIE, an old toothless beggar, MAYOR: Tonight, you'll have a chance to get to know our three
appear.) contestants and then the choice will be yours! (Girls giggle and
MAYOR: Isabel Bacon, of course. You're eighteen? exit left.)
ISABEL: Yes, Mayor Abelot. ADAM (Aside): Alice, if we ever get out of this alive, I'm going
to kill you! (Curtain)
MAYOR: And Marge Hacker?
SCENE 3 TIME: That evening.
MARGE: You know my name, Mayor. Don't wear it out.
SETTING: The same, but a small table sits downstage with two
MAYOR: We're having a little contest we'd like you to
benches on either side.
participate in.
AT RISE: All are scattered here and there about the stage. Extras
WINNIE: What about me?
should be onstage as well. MAYOR is on platform.
LORD: Winnie Beckrump? No, we don't need you!
MAYOR: And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the main event of
WINNIE: I'm older than sixteen. the evening. The Mating Game! (All clap.) Christina?
LORD: You're a hundred if you're a day. WINNIE: And I sure (CHRISTINA steps on stage.)
ain't married! CHRISTINA: We all know that Wolfstano, Duke of Snarteford,
MAYOR (Aside): For which all the men in this shire are has come to Whiffing Downs to wed the prize of our village,
relieved! Matild, daughter of Lord and Lady Uffington. But the question is,
WINNIE: Then I want to be in the contest, too! will their marriage be one based on love? To find out, we have
the real Matild competing against two decoys for the heart of
MAYOR: Winnie, you're hardly eligible. Get lost! Duke Snarteford, who is quite a catch! We will place the duke in
WINNIE: Get lost! You're tellin" a woman of my experience and an imaginary encounter for each contestant and he can then get to
charm to get lost? know the girl. Following the three encounters, Duke Snarteford
LORD: You heard us! will select the woman he wants to marry.
MAYOR: It's either that or I'm giving your spot outside the ADAM: But what ... what if I don't pick Matild?
church to Tom the Thimblebrain from now on. 1ST TOWNSPERSON: Hang 'im!
WINNIE: You wouldn't dare! 2ND TOWNSPERSON: Draw and quarter 'im!
LORD: I'll see to it myself! 3RD TOWNSPERSON: Off with his head!
WINNIE: Well, of all the nerve! A girl just don't have any rights LORD: Oh, my boy, you'll know Matild when you meet her, and
at all! you'll fall like a ton of manure for her.
MAYOR: What do you expect? It's 1346! (WINNIE sticks out ADAM (Skeptically): Manure, eh? ALICE: The duke is ready.
her tongue and wanders off.) CHRISTINA: Then meet our first contestant for a lovely walk on
LORD: Now, ladies, I want to explain what's going to happen-- a spring day by the daffodil-covered River Avon. (MARGE grabs
(ALICE enters, followed by a sheepish ADAM, who now wears ADAM's arm.)
the clothes he had carried in Scene 1.) MARGE: C'mere, cutie!
ALICE: Hear ye! Hear ye! Presenting Wolfstano, Duke of ADAM: I like a woman who speaks her mind.
Snarteford!
MARGE: Glad to hear it, 'cause nobody ever accused me of
LORD: Duke Snarteford! holding back.
MAYOR: We have so looked forward to your coming to ADAM: What ... what do you look for in a husband?
Whiffing Down!
MARGE: A hard worker! I want my tea at five in the morning
ADAM (After being jabbed by ALICE): Very pleased to be here! sharp. And he can't be afraid to scrub my feet to get all the boils
(He bows. His hat falls off. ISABEL picks it up.) clean.
ISABEL: Your grace. ADAM (Recoiling): Very romantic.
ADAM: Not very graceful of me. Thank you! MARGE: Marriage isn't about romance. It's about commitment.
MAYOR: Well, Duke Snarteford, we have a very exciting My husband needs to be committed to making me happy. And
evening planned for you. that means he'll work, and work hard.
ALICE: The Duke is overjoyed at the prospect of meeting his ADAM: But I'm a duke. I don't have to work.
new bride. MARGE: Then you can spend every waking minute with me.
LORD: Whom you are going to choose from three very eligible Won't you just love it? I'll be by your side day and night. (Bats
ladies. (LADY enters left, dragging MATILD on.) her eyelashes at ADAM, who looks sick)
MAYOR: Say hello to the duke, contestant number one. CHRISTINA: Thank you, contestant number one. (MARGE
MARGE: Hiya, duke! won't let go of ADAM.) Contestant one, let go of the duke.
(Warning) Contestant one, if you don't let go, the sheriff will
MAYOR: Contestant number two?
chop your arm off! (Reluctantly, MARGE lets go.) Contestant
ISABEL: Your grace. (She curtsies.) number two? (MATILD is pushed forward by LADY.) You two
LORD: And contestant three? (LADY pushes MATILD.) are now at a poetry reading. The bard will read a few selections
MATILD: Hey, hold on! He's prettier than me!
All’s Faire | AuenSmith 3
based upon the theme of love. (BARD steps to stage. MATILD Or contestant number three? (Ticktocking clock music is heard,
grabs ADAM and pushes him onto bench.) ending with a chime.) Time's up! Duke, you must announce your
MATILD: You know something, Duke? You're a cutie pie. decision. (ADAM still stares at ISABEL.) Duke?
ADAM: Thank you, I think. ALICE (Hitting ADAM): Yo, Duke! Snap out of it!
BARD: How do I love you? Let me give you a clue. Ill love you ADAM: Hm-m-m? What?
'til the grass turns blue. CHRISTINA: Which contestant do you choose?
ADAM: Do you like poetry? ADAM (Looking at his cards): Gin! (He puts cards on table.)
MATILD: Why would I? I don't get it! CHRISTINA: Whom do you choose?
BARD: Do you love me? I think you do. 'Cause when I'm not ADAM (To ISABEL): Can we do this again sometime? Like as
with you, I'm really blue ... And you are, too. soon as this faire is over? Where do you live? I'll sneak in
ADAM: That was a beautiful sentiment. through a window.
BARD: Love's labor is no toil, 'Tis effortless, indeed. Love MATILD: Hey! what's going on?
comes as easily to us as blood, when we bleed. LADY: Christina! You said--
ADAM: Yuck! That leaves a bad taste in your mouth. CHRISTINA (Covering): what's that, Duke? You choose
MATILD: Then how about puckering up and giving me a great, contestant number two!
big kiss! (As MATILD grabs ADAM, he stands up, so she falls MATILD: That's me! I won! I won!
over.) ISABEL: If you'll excuse me, my lord. Your heart has spoken.
ADAM: Well, on to contestant three! ADAM: Yeah ... it's thumping like crazy!
MATILD: Hey, I'm not done yet! MATILD: For me! For me! C'mon, cutie! Give me a big kiss!
ALICE: But the duke is anxious to make his choice, my dear. ADAM: What? Get away from me!
Allow the last contestant her moment and then, perhaps the duke
LORD: Duke Snarteford! How dare you brush off my daughter
will come back to you.
so?
MATILD: He'd better!
ADAM: This is your daughter?
CHRISTINA: Contestant number three, you'll meet over a game
CHRISTINA: Yes, Duke Snarteford ... and you have chosen
of cards. (ADAM and ISABEL sit at table and begin to play
wisely!
cards, perhaps rummy.)
ADAM: No! I want contestant three! She's gracious, intelligent,
ADAM: Did they save the best for last?
and what a looker!
ISABEL: That is for you to decide, your grace.
LORD: If you know what's good for you and your kingdom,
ADAM: You don't need to be so formal. you'll be happy with Matild.
ISABEL: Gin. (ISABEL places cards on the table.) MATILD: You know it!
ADAM: I'm impressed. ALICE (Quickly): The duke is very happy with Matild!
ISABEL: I just got lucky. (ADAM deals.) ADAM: Now, wait just a minute!
ADAM: How is it being the daughter of a Lord? WINNIE: That's what I say! Wait just a minute!
ISABEL: No different from being the daughter of any other man, MAYOR: Winnie,, the contest is over.
I suppose.
WINNIE: I know, I know. And I know something you don't!
ADAM: How so?
LADY: What's that, you old fool?
ISABEL: We must grow, learn, master our duties, and obey. It is
WINNIE: No fool like an old fool, eh, m'lord?
simple.
LORD: Are you calling me a fool, Winnie?
ADAM: What do you want out of life?
WINNIE: You are if you let your precious little daughter marry
ISABEL: Only to love ... and be loved in return.
this man.
BARD: Can I quote you on that?
MAYOR: The Duke of Snarteford?
ISABEL: It's all any of us should want, I suspect. Gin. (She
WINNIE: He's no more the Duke of
places cards on table.)
Snarteford than he is the Lord Mayor of London! This man's a
ADAM: My goodness, you are stealing this game.
fraud! (Gasps all around)
ALICE (Aside): And something else!
1ST TOWNSPERSON: A fraud?
ISABEL: Another round?
2ND TOWNSPERSON (Puzzled): Is that like a liar?
ADAM: As many as you like.
3RD TOWNSPERSON: A real bad liar!
ISABEL: Shall I deal?
CHRISTINA: How do you know this, Winnie?
LADY: She already has! This has gone on long enough!
WINNIE: I once worked in the duke's castle.
CHRISTINA: How true! The duke has certainly gotten to know
ALICE (Suddenly): Oh, my gracious, you did!
the contestants ... and so now it's time for him to make up his
mind. Will it be contestant number one? Contestant number two? WINNIE: I was the upstairs maid for the downstairs maid.
All’s Faire | AuenSmith 4
ALICE: And you were sent away for stealing. ADAM: Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!
WINNIE: So what? I know this ain't the duke! The duke's got a BARD: I like that, too!
birthmark on his right hand that looks like a vulture! Does this MAYOR: All right, then, string 'im up! (DUKE enters right.)
fellow? (TOWNSPEOPLE grab ADAM.)
DUKE: Adam! Adam Garnet? What are you doing getting
ADAM: Well, now-- yourself hanged?
1ST TOWNSPERSON: Pull up his sleeve! (They do so.) ADAM (Stunned): Your dukeship!
2ND TOWNSPERSON: There's nothin' there! DUKE: I've told you not to say that. It's "your grace" or "your
3RD TOWNSPERSON: What happened to the birthmark? lord."
ADAM: Well, now, I know an excellent doctor and I can refer ADAM: Am I happy to see you!
you to him if you like. ALICE (Shocked): You survived going over the falls!
MAYOR: A fraud! DUKE: I'm a bit bruised, but when the going gets tough, the
LADY: A liar! tough get going!
LORD: A cheat! BARD: Can I quote you on that?
CHRISTINA: There's only one thing to do! DUKE: So, where is my bride?
1ST TOWNSPERSON: Hang him! LORD: Are you really the duke?
2ND TOWNSPERSON: Draw and quarter him! DUKE: Don't I look it? Check out this classic profile. (Poses)
3RD TOWNSPERSON: Off with his head! Look at this hairdo! And how about these silk threads? Oh, and
look at this ... a little gift for my gal. (He holds up a beautiful
ADAM: You guys have one-track minds! (Screaming, yelling
necklace.)
ensue as curtain falls)
MATILD: Oh, wow! You're not only a hunk, you're a rich hunk!
SCENE 4
LADY: Now hold on, there! (She grabs DUKE's hand, looks
TIME: A short time later.
closely at it.)
SETTING: The same.
DUKE: What are you doing?
AT RISE: ADAM" stands on stage with a noose around his neck.
LADY (Happily): A vulture! Just like she said!
The noose is tied to a branch or board above him. All others are
on stage. WINNIE: Na na na na na na!
MAYOR: Any last words, fellow? DUKE: So, you're my bride?
ADAM (Sarcastic): Well, Alice? You're so handy thinking things MATILD: Can you promise me the moon?
up! DUKE: The moon, the stars, everything. Just as soon as you get
ALICE (Helplessly): Oh, Adam, I've tried to explain ... that piece of spinach off your front tooth!
LORD: The Duke drowned. MATILD: Then let's go get acquainted!
LADY: And this ... this servant took his place. ISABEL: But what about Adam? You can't leave him hanging
there.
MATILD: Just so there wouldn't be a war.
MAYOR: We have to kill him!
ALICE: That's right. It sounded like a good plan.
ISABEL: Oh, please, Duke, do something to save your servant.
MATILD: Well, I'm not marrying any servant, no matter how
cute he is! DUKE: A peasant girl speaking on your behalf, Adam? How
quaint! All right, there's gold for everyone if you cut the fool
LADY: Really! Matild wants the finer things in life!
down! (All cheer. MAYOR cuts ADAM down. He moves to
MATILD: And I don't care how I get them. ISABEL as CHRISTINA passes out the gold.) And you are all
MAYOR: All right, then, being tried by twelve men good and invited to my wedding!
true-- ALICE: Aren't you rushing into things a bit, Duke Snarteford?
ADAM: There were only five, and three of 'em slept through half DUKE (Suddenly very serious): After my near-death experience
the trial! this morning, I've learned two things. One ... seize the moment!
MAYOR (Ignoring ADAM's comment): Twelve good men and ADAM: And the second thing?
true ... we are now about to carry out the sentence: death by
DUKE: Never take a bath!
hanging.
MATILD: Uh ... we'll talk about that second one.
ADAM: Wait! Wait! I have one last thing to say. I pick
contestant number three! ADAM: Isabel, how can I thank you?
ISABEL: Oh, thank you, Adam! ISABEL: You can whisk me off to your castle.
ADAM: You don't care if I'm a duke, do you? ADAM (Jerking thumb in DUKE's direction): It's his castle.
ISABEL: No! I only want someone to love, and that's you, Adam. ISABEL: But as long as you're there, I won't mind a bit.
It always will be! ADAM: May I ask you one thing, if we are to be man and wife?
ADAM: Then I'II die happy. ISABEL: Anything!
BARD: Can I quote you on that? ADAM: Your name really isn't contestant three, is it?
All’s Faire | AuenSmith 5
ISABEL: It's Isabel. COSTUMES: Medieval period dress for all characters. Long
ADAM: Sweet Isabel. dresses for the female characters, with varying amounts of
adornment, depending on character. Lady and Matild wear the
ISABEL: Isabel Bacon.
most beautiful, with perhaps fur and jewels. Adam as the Duke
ALICE: Well, Adam, all's well that ends well. wears a fine doublet or tunic with a short cape along with a hat.
BARD: What a great title! Duke wears the same, as does Lord. Mayor wears a tunic.
ADAM: Alice, how can you say that? I almost got killed. PROPERTIES: Duke's clothes; large wooden paddle; flowers and
ALICE: I know that, Adam, but look at it this way. You get to ribbons; tarot cards; hat for Adam; playing cards; noose;
bring home the bacon. (Curtain) necklace; bag of gold coins.
SETTING: Scene 1, the bank of a stream, played before the
curtain. Nothing is required. Scenes 2 through 4, the village
square of Whiffing Downs. There is a small platform stage
center. Sign above stage reads, WHIFFING DOWNS FAME.
Booth left advertises PASTIES AND PIES; booth right,
FORTUNES. There are benches down left and right. Trees and
flowers may be placed around as desired to decorate the town
square.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Clock ticking or game show song such as "Jeopardy."

PRODUCTION NOTES

All’s Faire | AuenSmith 6