Trust is the foundation for intimate, secure and successful relationships.
It must be earned and maintained with consistent actions. But building trust and feeling like your partner is trustworthy are not always easy for those who have had their trust betr ayed. Once your trust has been violated, its difficult to make it viable in your relationship again. Find out the steps you can take to put trust back in your relationship. And take the quiz to find out if jealousy is ruining your love life Trust has to be a living, breathing entity in order for a relationship to survive. This applies to romantic relationships, family relationships and friendships. So when your trust is violated, how do you overcome that and restore trust in a relationship? If you have the desire to try rebuilding trust in a relationship again or just learn to trust again in general, we have some steps to get you there. Children learn how to build trust in a relationship with their parents or caretakers early in their development. If parents are consistent in responding to their childs needs, then that child will learn to trust them and their environment. As a child gets older, trust takes on a different form because children can process why they trust and why they dont. Its especially important for children to grow up in a trusting environment so that they learn how important trust is. This knowledge carries over in their attitude toward the world and all of their future relationships. Trust may seem like an obscure concept, difficult to define. Sometimes you cant tell if you truly trust someone, especially when you have no past experience to base it on. Trust isnt an emotion. Its a learned behavior that we gain from past experiences. It is hope and dependability, and putting confidence in someone. Trust is also a risk. But you cant be successful when theres a lack of trust in a relationship that results from an action where the wrongdoer takes no repentance or responsibility to fix the mistake. Unfortunately, weve all been victims of betrayal. Whether weve been stolen from, lied to, misled, or cheated on, there are different levels of losing trust, some more devastating than others. Regaining trust can seem as likely as winning the lottery. You may want to have faith in your partner again, but when it comes down to it, you simply dont know how to start regaining trust in a relationship. Sometimes people simply cant trust anymore theyve been too badly hurt and they cant bear to be that vulnerable again. Its understandable, but if youre willing to build trust in a relationship again, we have some tips: Learn to really trust yourself If you dont trust yourself, meaning your ability to have good judgment and to make good choices, how can you trust someone else?
Just keep in mind that once your trust has been violated, your defenses start working overtime to protect yourself. Pay closer attention to your instincts and keep working on building trust in yourself. Grieve When a loved one dies, the natural grieving process tends to come in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages can also occur when you lose trust in someone. Dont fight any of these stages. Youll usually get through all of them with time. Forgiveness can also be added as the sixth stage in regards to trust. If you can find it in your heart to forgive, then youll be able to release anger and hurt. Stop labeling yourself the victim If youve been betrayed, you are the victim of your circumstance. But theres a difference between being a victim and living with a victim mentality. At some point in all of our lives, well have our trust tested or violated. Some people choose to wallow in the sting of betrayal while others make an effort to overcome it. If you choose to become a wallower, you will stifle your ability to truly heal because youll end up angry and blaming everyone else for something you actually have more control over than you think. You didnt lose everything When were severely betrayed, such as being cheated on in a relationship, we tend to feel like we have lost everything that means anything to us. Once trust is lost, what is left? Instead of looking at the situation from this hopeless angle, look at everything you still have and be thankful for all of the good in your life. Seeing the positive side of things doesnt mean youre ignoring what happened. Instead, its a healthy way to work through the experience to allow room for positive growth and forgiveness. Keep your expectations high Avoid situations that share the same pattern of circumstance where your trust was violated. On the flip side, its also important to recognize that just because youve been violated before doesnt mean it will automatically happen again. You have to stop the harmful belief that any new relationship will end up the same way. If you fall into this way of thinking, not only will you sell yourself short, but you may also throw away a great possibility because youre too scared of being hurt again. Also, remember that when you give someone the best, you deserve the best in return. Dont settle for anything less. Losing trust in someone can have a devastating effect on your relationship, as well as your sense of self-worth, but building trust in a relationship again is possible. It takes a willingness to work on both yourself and your betrayer, but trust can be won back. And when trust in a relationship is regained, it is truly healing. Trust us on this one.
One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly. What does trusting someone signify? Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Here are some factors to consider about trust. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure. Trust needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance and love. Theres no magic machine, you dont put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust trust grows over time. People are complex, broken beings therefore, previous hurts, fears or losses can impede their determination to trust and/or be truthful in a relationship. But, people have the capacity and the ability to change and to grow in trust and truthfulness. You can rebuild trust in broken relationships when you make a choice to do so with the supernatural help of God.
Adjust your expectations People are human, frail, and sinful. Therefore, you need a realistic type of trust when you choose to trust someone. Trusting grows in relationships over time because as you spend time together with someone you build knowledge, understanding and authenticity. You gain insight into another persons character, needs, motivations and fears. Unconditional love develops trust because as you express this kind of love towards someone generally he or she will sense your acceptance and feel comfortable to be vulnerable and honest about their feelings. Unconditional love actually builds self-esteem in others and alleviates their fears of rejection. People learn that they can be authentic with you about their feelings, opinions, and failures. The result is a growing trust in the other person. Not because that person is perfect but because that person is growing in honesty. Unconditional love is patient and kind It is not self-seeking. It does not keep a record of wrongs. When love is not patient or enduring; when love is unforgiving and always disappointed or looking for something to go wrong, it generates fear and looks for imperfections in the other person. Fear-based love is conditional creating an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability. You can have a limited trust in people as you grow to know them and they see you really care about them but the fact is that people will let us down. That is reality. Obviously, when someone has broken their vows and been unfaithful, has lied or been dishonest in the relationship, they need to change. You can make some requests for change and take the risk of starting over again. Get counseling and pastoral guidance. You can find a counselor or go to the nearest mental health center. If you are suicidal please contact 911 (in the USA & Canada) or go to a hospital emergency room.
If that person is not sincere about changing and continues to lie or betray you, then, you need to consider whether to end the relationship. Take a look at yourself as well You will never be perfect and therefore, you will probably disappoint your loved one as well. You can promise to never say something hurtful or never tell a lie or never exaggerate or always keep your promises or (you name it) but since you are human you will also make mistakes and disappoint that person. The only thing you or your loved one can promise is to grow, to seek God and ask Him for strength to change. Then you and your loved one will become more trustworthy in your relationships, though you will never be perfect. Every human relationship will suffer hurt. Thus, we all need to become better forgivers and confessors. That ability to reconcile and spirit of humbleness will prove the depth of your love and commitment. The components of love, forgiveness and commitment are as necessary to trust in a relationship as is honesty. Forgiveness gives you the chance to start over and trust another fallible human being again. Love helps to nourish trust. Commitment and honesty provide accountability to one another. The ability to forgive is rooted in being forgiven ourselves. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. As people we all make mistakes, not one of us can live up to the standard God set on our own. But God promises that if we accept what Jesus did for us, we can be forgiven. The slate can be wiped clean no matter what has happened in the past. God promises us strength for today and bright hope for the future. Whatever happened in your yesterdays God can take care of all of your tomorrows. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Heres a suggested prayer: Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be. If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised. If you invited Jesus Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, youll experience life to the fullest.
