The Suicide

By
Nicolai Erdman
Adapted by Gyllian Raby and Anna MacAlpine
Thanks to Larisa Brodsky.

Erdman’s play was banned in 1932 and was not produced until
the late 1970’s. It exists in numerous versions,
translations and adaptations.

Royalty free with permission, Gyllian Raby

2012. Department of Dramatic Arts
Brock University
[email protected]
 ACT I
Semyon Podsekalnikov, played by Marcus Schwan. A young
unemployed man, recently married, supported by his wife
and mother-in-law.Somewhat hypochondriac.Harlequino.

Masha Lukianovna, played by Kaitlin Race. A young

factory worker, recently married to Semyon and
struggling to get by. Matter of fact, hard working, and
in love. Columbina.

Serafima, played by Cassandra van Wyck. Masha’s mother,

a survivor; a superstitious woman who believes in
miracles. She has no subtlety but indefatigable
physical endurance. The Crone.
Margarita Ivanovna, played by Justine Benteau. An
experienced woman of the world; once beautiful, she
is now sexy.Excellent at the restaurant/sleazy bar
business. Voice like scotch and cigars; knows her
impact. Francheschina.
Alexander Petrovich Kalabushkin,played by Derek Ewart.
Owner of the fair- ground shooting gallery and assorted
business ventures. A cynical, depressive bear of a
businessman who cultivates his handsome moustache.
Brighella.

Yegor Timofeevich, played by Kanthan Annalingam. A

Postman and Party member; committed to discipline; 30
something; sensitive, petty and vengeful.Il Capitano.
Grusha,played by Rachel Romanoski. A ’server’ at
Margarita’s cafe; young and very poor; her family
killed during the war, lucky to be Moscow. Columbina.
Natasha,played by Brie Lidstone. A ’server’ at
Margarita’s cafe; a gypsy orphan that Margarita has
taken in due to her musical skill and general
desperation to earn momey.Clementina.

Sonia,played by Nikki Morrison. A young ’server’ at

Margarita’s cafe who also works in the fairground;
secret upper middle class bourgeois background;
struggles to get by and tries to persuade the other
girls to start a cabaret business with her. Claudia.

Aristarkh Dominikovich Grand-Skubnik,played by Brent

Cairns. Highly educated,40 something; desperately
hoping to retain social privilege while flaunting a
superficial revolutionary dedication. His relatives are
in prison for joining the"White Russian"forces that
fought against the Soviet army. His ragged suit and
(MORE)
 2.

coat still show signs of impeccable tailoring; speaks

with an Oxford accent.
Kleopatra Maximovna, played by Ioanna Al-Khayed. A
striking young woman; leader of the now discredited,
Decadents, Romantics and Symbolists’ movement. She is
the ex-lover of Viktor, who dropped her when
politically expedient; determined to get him back.
Father Yelpidy,played by Evan Bawtinheimer. An Orthodox
priest concerned about the anti-religious bent of the
Revolution. He is sexually repressed, deeply depressed,
and addicted to alcohol.
Viktor Viktorovich, played by Evan Mulrooney.A Byronic
poet of vast pretension who is desperately trying to
survive the stylistic Revolution with as little change
as possible.
Raisa Filipovna, played by Karyn Lorence. A New Woman
who uses feminist rhetoric to hold on to the advantages
gained during the war.More at home bargaining than on
the shop floor.
Stepan, played by Sean Rintoul. An odd jobs man who
makes a little extra carrying coffins and playing
guitar with the gypsy band at Margarita’s restaurant.
Envies the rich.

Oleg, played by James Lowe. An intern at "Eternity"

Funeral parlour. Depressed, cynical. Envies the rich.
Musicians, played by Conor Cooper (tuba) and Anna
MacAlpine (clarinet). Uncertain what the Revolutionary
regime will mean for traveling people. They play for
joy and sadness.
 3.

ACT I
Scene 1
In the darkness a dog barks. Semyon can’t sleep.

SEMYON
Masha. Are you sleeping? Masha?
Masha startles into wakefulness.

MASHA
What? !
SEMYON
Shhhh..it’s just me. Sorry...

MASHA
Semyon...
Masha returns to an exhausted sleep.
SEMYON
Masha, can I ask you-- are you sleeping Masha?
MASHA
What?

SEMYON
Did we eat all the sausage?
(Pause)
That baloney sausage?

MASHA
Did you look?
SEMYON
It’s cold. I thought /you’d remember.

MASHA
You wake me in the middle of the night for baloney
sausage?
SEMYON
I’m hungry.
MASHA
Go to sleep!
She turns from him. He sighs. They try to settle.
After a moment:

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

MASHA
You’ve killed something in me with that sausage,
Semyon. Every day I get up in the freezing dark and
walk to the factory. Twelve hours of mind-numbing,
back-breaking work-- and after I get home and eat and
fall into bed exhausted, what d’you do? Semyon...? Are
you sleeping?
(A snore. A slow fury ignites in Masha.)
Semyon!
SEMYON
(waking with a start)
What? !
MASHA
I said: let me sleep!

SEMYON
(puzzled)
But/ Masha ?--
MASHA
But no, you’ve got to wake me for baloney sausage.

SEMYON
(suddenly alert)
Oh! Is there any left?
MASHA
Yes, yes!-- because you didn’t eat it at supper!
SEMYON
I wasn’t hungry at supper.

MASHA
That’s why you’re hungry now.
SEMYON
I couldn’t eat.

MASHA
Mother and I go out of our way to put food on the table
my darling/ your favourite food...
SEMYON
Exactly, that’s the reason I can’t eat/ exactly--

MASHA
We put more food on your plate than on our own--
SEMYON
You torment me.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

MASHA
What?!
SEMYON
How can I eat with the two of you watching me like I’m
some sort of parasite, starving you mouthful by
mouthful? I’ve no job and no money, as your mother
helpfully reminds me twenty times a day, so I don’t buy
the food --but I still get just as hungry, and you pile
my plate high to torment me.

MASHA
Now is not the time/ for this.
Semyon lights a lamp by the bed.

SEMYON
Every meal is torment! I try not to eat, but then in
the middle of the night when I’m alone in bed with you,
dreaming and drooling about sausage--you crucify me
/with guilt.

MASHA
I crucify you??
SEMYON
In your way/ yes--

MASHA
Oh climb down from the cross!
She is getting out of bed.
One order of baloney coming right up!

SEMYON
--with your psychology ...
MASHA,
Which would you prefer, white bread or brown?

SEMYON
Makes no difference because--
MASHA
Or cake? Baloney on cake?

SEMYON
--I’m not going to eat it.
MASHA
Oh ho, you’re going to eat it my friend.

Masha heads to the kitchen .

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

SEMYON
Can’t you see what you’re doing?
She exits.
SEMYON
Your psychology is killing me. ’Counselor,is Semyon
Podeskalnikov a man or a maggot?’ After careful
consideration, the jury concludes: he’s/ a--
Masha returns with a half-eaten BALONEY sausage
and a crust of bread.
MASHA
Maggot! Dinner is served my lord maggot.
SEMYON
Not hungry.
MASHA
You’ll eat this if /I have to
SEMOYON
Please/
MASHA
--stuff it down your /throat.
SEMYON
Let go woman/ you’re going to--
MASHA
Eat! Eat your face off /you lazy--
SEMYON
Argh!
They struggle over the plate and it goes flying
with a crash.The dog outside barks. In their
respective rooms off, Yegor and Serafima stir.

YEGOR
Keep it quiet down there! /Workers are sleeping!
SERAFIMA
(calling)
Masha--?
They stop as if the Yegor is the House Authority.
SEMYON
(lowering his voice angrily)

(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

SEMYON (cont’d)
You think you can boss me around because you wear the
pants in this house. All right, this hallway. And it’s
killing me.

MASHA
You’re just hungry Semyon.
SEMYON
(a decision)
Look.I’m going to show you.

Semyon sits on the edge of the bed, throwing off

his blankets. He crosses his legs. He hits his
knee with the side of his hand. His right arm
jerks up in a reflex action and drops to hit his
face. Repeat to show it isn’t a freak occurrence.
It never used to happen.
MASHA
Maybe you could get a job at a circus--
SEMYON
I wasn’t going to tell you because--
MASHA
--a traveling circus, preferably...
SEMYON
(forgets to lower his voice)
I’m falling apart Masha!
MASHA
(forgets to lower her voice)
You’re falling apart? You’re falling apart?
SEMYON
I thought you’d care!
MASHA
I can’t go on.
SEMYON
What do you mean?
MASHA
This is no way to live...
SEMYON
You mean you want to be set free. ’Get rid of Semyon’.
Which would you prefer:I cut my throat or hang myself?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

MASHA
Lord God spare me!
SEMYON
If you had three wishes,the first would be:"Semyon
dies!"!

MASHA
May be!- right at this moment--
SEMYON
"I’d do better without Semyon, get rid of him"...
MASHA
It’s hard to disagree.
Semyon blows out the lamp. Pause.

SEMYON
Bitch.
MASHA
Baloney!

As Masha yells, they pound each other with

pillows. Above, Yegor sticks his head out of his
apartment in his disheveled sleeping gown. He
blows a whistle.

YEGOR
Keep it quiet down there! Quiet!
They stop as if the School Principal has spoken.
SEMYON
Good bye Masha. I hope you’ll be very happy.
Pause. Then three girls with a bottle of vodka
burst out of Alexander’s room, next to Yegor’s.
SONIA
(giggling)
Goodnight comrades! If you’re bored, come join us!
YEGOR
Quiet! Quiet!

{NATASHA
You keep it quiet!
{GRUSHA
Party at Sonia’s!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

YEGOR
I work in three hours!
MASHA
I work in two.

GRUSHA
We’re working now my da-a-rling.
YEGOR
Precisely! I’ll report you to the housing committee
Kalabushkin! And I’ll report you Podsekalnikovs for
conjugal activities in the hallway!
The girls clatter down the stairs and leer at
Masha in her bed.

MASHA
This is my bedroom.
The girls exit still mocking Yegor; he slams his
door. Quiet reigns.

MASHA
Semyon? I can’t sleep angry...Are you...? Why did you
say goodbye instead of goodnight?...Semyon?
Masha feels her way through the darkness as
Serafima, Masha’s mother enters.
Listen, whatever I said, I didn’t mean it...where are
you? I’m sorry my darling...
SERAFIMA
(whisper)
Masha?

MASHA
Mother! What are you doing here?
SERAFIMA
You know I never interfere Masha, but the walls are
--well,there are no walls-- What’s the matter?
MASHA
Semyon was hungry.

SERAFIMA
What’d he do /now?
MASHA
Nothing! I can’t find him.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

SERAFIMA
(addresses the dark room)
Well done, comrade hero-- you’ve made your wife cry/
you useless worm--.

MASHA
(tearfully)
I’m not! Mother!
SERAFIMA
--come out and face her!

Silence.
MASHA
Where are you? Senyechka...??Say something...

Silence. Serafima baits Semyon

SERAFIMA
Oh well, he’s dropped dead.
MASHA
Merciful God, he’s gone to kill himself. Mother! Find
the lamp.
Masha feels around in the darkness. Serafima drops
to her knees and gropes about.
Semyon, please. I didn’t mean it. Talk to me for God’s
sake.
There’s a loud crack
SERAFIMA
Ow!

MASHA
What was that?
SERAFIMA
(controlled)
The chair, Masha, my head against the chair.
MASHA
Good! The lamp’s there; quickly, light it!

Serafima lights the lamp. Masha looks around.

MASHA
He’s gone.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

SERAFIMA
Gone where at this time of night?
MASHA
I think he’s gone to kill himself.

SERAFIMA
Lord help us.
MASHA
He said I was killing him, I laughed and now he’s gone
to do it himself!
SERAFIMA
It’s a nightmare.
MASHA
I’ve got to find him. Where’s my skirt?
SERAFIMA
Here are his pants./Allelujah!
MASHA
I don’t need his pants Mother (she realises) Oh /you
mean --
SERAFIMA
Would any self-respecting Russian man leave the house
without pants--?

MASHA
Then he must be--?
SERAFIMA
In the bathroom--

MASHA
Opening a vein!
Masha takes the lamp from Serafima, runs for the
bathroom.
SERAFIMA
Dear God, a suicide in the family.
Masha runs up the stairs which lead up to the next
landing, on which there are doors to the bathroom
and Alexander’s room. The stairs continue up to
Yegor’s attic. Masha tries the bathroom door--
it’s locked.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

MASHA
Semyon, open the door. Open up, come on. Talk to me !

Below, Serafima lights another lamp under an icon.

SERAFIMA
Help us blessed mothers of Uutivan, of Vatapad, of
Kupiatist, of Novo-nikito,speak to my son-in-law...

MASHA
(calling down)
He’s locked the door
SERAFIMA
What’s he say? /(murmurs)Holy Virgin of Vydropus, of
Smolensk..
MASHA
Nothing. He won’t answer. What if he’s dead already?
SERAFIMA
I’ll kill him. /(murmurs) Dear Virgin of Pskov..
MASHA
I’m going to wake Alexander Kalabushkin.
SERAFIMA
You can’t! He buried his mother last week--
MASHA
He runs the "Test Your Strength" booth at the
fairground-- he can break the door down.

SERAFIMA
-- he’s in mourning. /(murmurs) Mother of Sviagorsk,/
of Abalata-Znamenie, Blessed Virgin of Kazan...
MASHA
Then he’ll understand compassion. I can’t do
it myself, I need a man.
Masha goes to Alexander’s door and knocks. The
lazzo of unintended sexual innuendo.

SERAFIMA
-- let Alexander Kalabushkin teach my son in law a
lesson/ let his muscles ripple in his little white
shirt as he seizes the cowering Semyon Semyonovitch ...
SERAFIMA continues murmuring under the scene at
the door:’let him black his eye oh Mother of
Ibirsk, break both his legs Saint Sarah of
Pimenov, make him crawl oh Virgin of Camargue..."

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

MASHA
Alexander Kalabushkin, it’s me, Maria Lukianovna. I
need a man, I need you,help me!
ALEXANDER (OFF)
Take a cold shower Comrade!
MASHA
Please, I’m only a woman, what can I do? I need your
strong arms --right now, right now!

MARGARITA
Alexander and I are sitting here in deep
mourning/Where’s your sense of decency?
ALEXANDER
Grieving! We’re grieving!

Masha knocks harder.

MASHA
I’m desperate for a strong man/--please, please
Alexander Kalabushkin/--

MARGARITA
Desperate!?
Masha knocks harder.

MASHA
--I’m at the end of my rope!I have to break down the
door!
MARGARITA
Break down the door! You ladies man...
Suddenly Masha doesn’t know what to do.
MASHA
Wha--? Not this door- I’m a married woman!I’m--

The door opens to reveal Margarita in a sleazy

kimono, awry, with an unlit cigarette.
MARGARITA
Aren’t we all?

MASHA
I need Comrade Kalabushkin/ quickly, quickly.
ALEXANDER
But Sweetheart,what about your husband?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

MASHA
He’s locked himself in the bathroom, he’s trying to
kill himself.

ALEXANDER
Why didn’t you say--?
He speeds past Margarita to the bathroom door.
Masha follows. The lazzo of mistaking the hidden
listener.
MARGARITA
The bathroom?
SERAFIMA
No pants.
ALEXANDER
(knocking)
Hey pal; are you all right in there?

Pause. Casual:
What ya doin’ ?
MARGARITA
So: knock it down.

ALEXANDER
Shh ...
MASHA
What’s he waiting for?

SERAFIMA
A shot.
Alexander recoils
ALEXANDER
He’s got a gun?
SERAFIMA
We don’t know.

MASHA
Should we call the police?
MARGARITA AND ALEXANDER
No police.

ALEXANDER
Say something sweet to him, and while he’s distracted
I’ll- (He mimes.)

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.

MASHA
Darling it’s me, Masha. I love you!
Alexander prepares himself to break down the door.
He slowly approaches it followed by Masha,
Serafima, and Margarita.

Suddenly, a chain flushes and the door flies open.

Yegor Timofeevich comes flying out in his
sleepwear. He sees them and scowls.

YEGOR
Can’t a constipated comrade take a dump in the night
without the whole building taking notes?
He retrieves his newspaper, stomps up to the attic

MASHA
I’m sorry, comrade!
(to Serafima)
It’s your fault, you said he was in the toilet. He must
have gone outside!

SERAFIMA
Without his pants? Here, comrades, are his very pants.
MARGARITA
Did you check the kitchen?

MASHA
The kitchen!
Masha runs out; Alexander and Margarita follow but
Alexander holds her back.

ALEXANDER
Go home.
MARGARITA
Charming.

ALEXANDER
This is none of your business.
A sound like a gun crack. Serafima screams.
Alexander speaks to Serafima then Margarita.
Wait! Go!
He exits like a bat out of hell towards the sound.
SERAFIMA
Mother of God, he shot himself.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.

MARGARITA
None of my business.
Margarita loiters.
SERAFIMA
I saw a lot of death in the war--
MARGARITA
I was smart, stayed home.

SERAFIMA
--but this is shameful.
MARGARITA
Shame is stupid.

SERAFIMA
Too smart is stupid.
Enter Alexander,pulling the struggling Semyon by
the feet.

SEMYON
Masha! / Let me go Alexander Kalabushkin!?
SERAFIMA
Ha! Dragged like the rat he is!

ALEXANDER
(to Serafima)
Your daughter’s on the kitchen floor.
Serafima and Margarita are horrified.

MARGARITA
What did you do?
SEMYON
She ran into the cupboard door.

Serafima and Margarita exit to the kitchen.Lazzo

of sexual misunderstanding.
SEMYON
Masha’s hurt--!Why are you--? Get your hand out of my
pocket!
Alexander immobilises Semyon.
ALEXANDER
I’m your friend Semyon!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.

SEMYON
But... Masha’s my wife.
Alexander immobilises Semyon again.
ALEXANDER
But I am your Friend.
SEMYOPN
What are you doing? Let go of me!

ALEXANDER
Listen to me!
SEMYON
But Masha--!

Alexander adjusts his hold on Semyon

ALEXANDER
Masha wants you to listen. Pretend I’m her and I’ll
give you a tax free cigar.

SEMYON
Talk fast...
Alexander releases Semyon from his wrestling hold
and gives him a cigar.

ALEXANDER
Think of how you are loved, Semyon,how you are needed!
SEMYON
Well I...Alexander, this is.../ I do! But--

ALEXANDER
No no, I’m asking you, as a friend--
SEMYON
--a neighbour--

ALEXANDER
--as a dear friend, Semyon Semyonovich, to really
listen...
SEMYON
I’ll listen.
ALEXANDER
It’s so hard... (Semyon nods, concerned) I’m going to
say something... meaningful.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.

SEMYON
All right.
Lazzo of the inverted persuasion.
ALEXANDER
Look at this world. This...beautiful world.
Alexander indicates the apartment, the grey dawn.
Life is a wonderful gift, Semyon.

SEMYON
Mm hmm...
ALEXANDER
A miracle, full of wonder.

SEMYON
If you say so.
ALEXANDER
Here you are, at the revolutionary dawn of a brave new
age. Age of industry and the working man. Age of
the electrical machine and business opportunity--
SEMYON
Age of being cut off for unpaid bills.
ALEXANDER
God, I know! It’s like the Dark Ages! Did I tell you I
stood in line every day,for three weeks to get them to
get them to change that bill? It was their mistake, but
naturally, it’s the small businessman who suffers.
Cigar trade: they all want a cut!--and I ask myself:
"is it worth it? Is this all there is?"

SEMYON
I know.
ALEXANDER
Some bureaucrat in a heated office hitting me with this
regulation and that regulation: "your shooting gallery
needs a license"; "you can’t travel without a permit";
"Mr. Kalabushkin, where’s your identity card?". I go
from desk to desk, fill out form after form and, as the
line stretches into eternity, I realize I’m going to
die waiting to live.
SEMYON
I know.
Alexander pulls himself back.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

ALEXANDER
But life is beautiful, comrade. I read it in Pravda,
the state newspaper/ and...
SEMYON
And Pravda will retract it soon.
ALEXANDER
Ha ha.You think too much.
SEMYON
I’m unemployed.
ALEXANDER
Tough.
SEMYON
I know men with two jobs. Why’s there no work for me?
ALEXANDER
You gotta make your own work pal.
SEMYON
Amazing! The same thought hit me when you were dragging
me across the floor: "Make Your Own Work"! And that
exact moment, my fingers touched this booklet propping
up the kitchen table! It’s... like destiny.
ALEXANDER
What is ?
SEMYON
This manual for playing the tuba.

ALEXANDER
The tuba.
SEMYON
Look: you can learn in only twenty lessons.

ALEXANDER
(reading)
’For the first time I, Theodor Hugo Schultz, celebrated
master of music, share my knowledge with the masses.’
SEMYON
Twenty concerts a month at five rubles a shot, plus
tips -
ALEXANDER
That’s a lot of cash.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.

SEMYON
I’ve got the will, I’ve got the time, I’ve got the
manual; all I need is the tuba.
ALEXANDER
So, with this tuba-destiny, life’s worth living?
SEMYON
Yes.
ALEXANDER
Then you do agree that life is worth living?
SEMYON
Yes.
ALEXANDER
Right pal, give me the gun.
SEMYON
What gun?
ALEXANDER
The gun you were putting in your mouth when I came into
the kitchen.
SEMYON
You’re kidding me.

ALEXANDER
You were going to shoot yourself.
SEMYON
Why?

Lazzo of the unthinking betrayal of dangerous

secrets.
ALEXANDER
Oh come on, that mother-in-law for one thing. How d’you
stand it? And living off Masha? Watching her work;
seeing her trapped and old before her time - you must
feel terrible.
SEMYON
How d’you know all this??

ALEXANDER
Masha.
Semyon turns away.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.

ALEXANDER
Now come on, Semyon. Life is beautiful.
SEMYON
Give up.

ALEXANDER
Give me the gun first.
SEMYON
You’re crazy! Where’d I get a gun?

AJEXANDER
Panfidich traded his razor for one at Borzov’s.
SEMYON
Borzov’s round the corner?

AJEXANDER
Yeah. No license of course. But if you’re just using it
the once, why would you care?
Semyon suddenly starts rummaging through his
belongings.
What’re you doing?
Semyon finds a razor and holds it aloft
SEMYON
My father’s razor. Swedish steel.
Semyon threatens Alexander with the razor
ALEXANDER
Semyon, I beg you: think how life is--

SEMYON
Beautiful! You showed me the light Alexander, thank
you! By the way-- here’s my gun.

Semyon tosses the baloney sausage at Alexander,

then exits out of the window.
ALEXANDER
If you wake Borzov at this hour, he’ll murder you!

SEMYON
(off)
Saves me the job!
Pause. Alexander chuckles.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.

ALEXANDER
He ’s a joker.
He takes a bite of the baloney. Serafima and
Margarita enter, with the semi-conscious Masha.

SERAFIMA
Don’t drag her, she’s not a sack.
MARGARITA
She’s a dead-weight.

SERAFIMA
Get her thighs.
MARGARITA
I’ve got her thighs.

ALEXANDER
Ladies. Let me.
Alexander lifts Masha and places her on the bed.
She’s going to have a big lump on her head.

She stirs.
SERAFIMA
She needs air. Unbutton her--

Alexander grins and flexes his fingers.

MARGARITA AND SERAFIMA
I’ll do it.
MASHA
Semyon? Is he dead?
ALEXANDER
Not yet. But I have to tell you, he’s quite determined.
MASHA
Where is he?
ALEXANDER
Gone into the night.

SERAFIMA
With no pants.
ALEXANDER
And a razor.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.

MASHA
It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.
SERAFIMA
(to Alexander))
Call the police.

MARGARITA AND ALEXANDER

No Police!
SERAFIMA
They’d sort him/ out.
MARGARITA
What, sentence him to life?
SERAFIMA
(rolling her eyes)
Smart is stupid...
MASHA
What should I do? What can I do?!

ALEXANDER
Get him a tuba.
MASHA
A what?

ALEXANDER
A tuba.
MARGARITA
It’s a musical instrument, like a trumpet but bigger.

MASHA
He wants a tuba?
ALEXANDER
A tuba is...destiny.A tuba would make him a man.

MARGARITA
How?
ALEXANDER
He’d... play for money.

MASHA
How much do these ’tubas’ cost?
MARGARITA
About five hundred rubles.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.

MASHA
If we had five hundred rubles...! Mother, the world’s
upside down!
ALEXANDER
It’s a big investment.
MARGARITA
I’ve got a tuba.
SERAFIMA
Who are you?
MARGARITA
No names.
ALEXANDER
This is Margarita Ivanovna.
SERAFIMA
Holy saints protect us--
MARGARITA
Thanks. Now my husband finds out.
SERAFIMA
(to Margarita)
--You run that stinking eatery next to the fair. It
used to be a decent place but I’ve heard /what you’ve
done with it--
MARGARITA
Yes, I’ve made it successful.
SERAFIMA
Successful! Ha! Diseased party girls /and gypsies,
adultery and lice--
MASHA
Mother!/ Shh...

SERAFIMA
--and drunken soldiers dancing...
MARGARITA
And instruments for the Soviet trio "Tsigane"--
including a tuba.
MASHA
Margarita Ivanovna - Would you take pity on a desperate
wife and her poor old mother and let us borrow a tuba?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.

MARGARITA
Hm. I do need someone to clean the toilets. Especially
the mens’.
SERAFIMA
You think you can scare ,me? I clean where no one
dares. /Days in the hospital, nights in the abattoir...
MASHA
Oh thank you! She’ll do it! /Thank you!

MARGARITA
The tuba’s yours. Come get it.
Margarita turns to exit.
ALEXANDER
Are we finished ’mourning’, Margarita?
MARGARITA
You are such a very sad man!
(Alexander shrugs expansively)
Men are a burden, always.

Margarita exits with Masha and Alexander.

SERAFIMA
(calling after them)
Wait! What if he comes back before you do? What do I
say?
ALEXANDER
Cheer him up. Tell him some jokes.
Masha, Alexander and Marguerita exit

SERAFIMA
I don’t know any jokes.
Serafima is alone. She hugs Semyon’s pants
fearfully. Semyon re-enters through the window and
she hides in panic. He takes a package out of his
pocket and unwraps it: Serafima sees a gun.He
loads it with bullets then takes up pen and paper.
SEMYON
(writing)
’In the event of my death-’
Serafima finds a hole in the pants and laughs
wiggling her finger through it. Lazzo of the
inappropriate mother-in-law and her awful laugh.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.

SERAFIMA
Semyon look, it’s funny!
SEMYON
I’m looking.

SERAFIMA
Your pants have a hole!
SEMYON
Yes. Can I have some time alone please?

SERAFIMA
I’ve got a joke.
SEMYON
Please?

SERAFIMA
No no, you’ll die laughing, you’ll-- There were these
Fritzes, during the war,foreigners, you know --
SEMYON
What about them?
SERAFIMA
And they ate a Bowser alive. Ha ha, imagine...
SEMYON
They what?
SERAFIMA
A Bowser is a dog, Semyon.
SEMYON
They ate a live dog?
SERAFIMA
People don’t do that.

SEMYON
So?
SERAFIMA
So those Germans gobbled it up! Oh--

Semyon crumples a sheet of paper and starts over.

SEMYON
Sera/fima--

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.

SERAFIMA
--You’ll like this one--

SEMYON
--go away.
SERAFIMA
During war-time we had a prisoner in our village jail:
not a word of Russian; little tiny guy-- and of course,
he was shell-shocked. His head shook all the time like
this.
Serafima demonstrates the head shaking.Semyon
clenches his teeth.

SEMYON
I’m busy!
SERAFIMA
It was so comical! So, one night, we all went to the
jail with bread and meat jelly, saying "are you
hungry?" Well, of course he was starving-- but his
head’s going like this from side to side like he’s
saying "no, not hungry, no".
SEMYON
That’s horrible!

Semyon crumples a sheet of paper and starts over.

SERAFIMA
..."Are you sure?"; "No no no"/ "Shall we leave the
food here?"; "No!"...

Serafima roars with laughter.

SEMYON
For pity’s sake! Will you shut / up?

Semyon starts throwing crumpled paper at her.

Serafima goes up to the bathroom. She stops.
SERAFIMA
Did you hear the one about Alexander the Great and the
Jews?
SEMYON
Get out! OUT!!
Serafima exits.Semyon returns to his
letter.Reads.
’In the event of my death, no one is to blame. Signed,
Semyon Semyonovich Podsekalnikov.’

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.

Semyon puts the gun to his temple and closes his

eyes. He lowers it. He puts the gun in his mouth
and closes his eyes. He lowers it. He puts the gun
to his heart. He rocks with despair. In the
distance we hear a mournful tuba. As he listens
other instruments join in until a fast uplifting
number accelerates. Musicians of the gypsy band
march on stage to deliver the tuba to Semyon.
Act Two
In the Podeskalnikov hallway. Semyon sits on a
stool, holding the tuba,the manual open in front
of him. Masha and Serafima hover anxiously.
SEMYON
’Chapter one. How to play. The tuba is played with
three fingers. Put the first finger on the first valve,
the second finger on the second valve and the third
finger on the third valve.’
He looks up, holding his position.
How’s this?

MASHA
(encouraging)
Good!
SEMYON
’Upon blowing into the mouthpiece, the note "B" is
obtained.’
Semyon blows. He blows again. Nothing.
It’s not working. Why isn’t it working?

Masha crosses her fingers behind her back.

Serafima prays.The lazzo of the pretentious
musician.
SEMYON
Wait, the next chapter is ’How To Blow.’
MASHA
You look like a natural. You hold that tuba so well!
SEMYON
’In order to blow properly, I, Theodor Hugo Schultz,
internationally renowned Concert Tubist, suggest this
simple and economical method. ’Tear off a little piece
of yesterday’s newspaper and place it on the tongue.’
Serafima and Masha look about.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.

MASHA
Newspaper... Newspaper...
SERAFIMA
(wickedly) Yegor Timofeevich left his Pravda in the-

SEMYON
Tear off a piece. Smaller! D’ you want to choke me? Put
it on my tongue.
Masha does so. Semyon mumbles unintelligibly.

MASHA
Sorry?
More unintelligible mumbling. Masha looks blank.
Semyon spits out the paper, irritated.

SEMYON
Read the next instruction, please.
Semyon puts another piece of paper in his mouth.

MASHA
’Tear off a piece of "Pravda" and place it on the
tongue.’
SEMYON
Uhhhhh...

MASHA
’Then spit the paper on the floor. While
spitting, memorise the position of your mouth then
blow just like you spit.’

Semyon prepares himself. He spits. Without moving

his mouth, he puts it over the mouthpiece. He
blows. Nothing.
MASHA
Dear God in Heaven, if you exist, let him make a
sound...
Semyon blows. The tuba emits a loud honk.
SERAFIMA
(to Masha)
See? Solid proof.
SEMYON
Masha, hand in your notice. Your working days are over.

Masha embraces him.

(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 30.

SEMYON (cont’d)
Twenty concerts a month at five rubles each plus tips.
In gross earnings per year, that’s ...

MASHA
That’s one thousand three hundred rubles !
SERAFIMA
But... you will learn to play it?
SEMYON
Are you deaf?
He blows the instrument again...loudly.A strangled
yell from Yegor, above.
MASHA
It’s beautiful! You’re brilliant!
SEMYON
Just think, just think Mashenka, how good it’ll be! Me,
home from my continental tour, loaded down with cash.
You, reclining on our Indian settee in a silken evening
gown. I’ll say, ’, ,have the painters finished
upstairs?’ and you’ll say--

MASHA
’Yes,Senyechka the nursery is ready.’
Semyon and Masha gaze at one another in love. A
family tableau.

SERAFIMA
Oh, the nursery!
SEMYON
And you’ll say, "here’s your eggnog, son in law, in
your own silver goblet"
SERAFIMA
Maybe learn to play it first.
SEMYON
Listen to the music, woman!
He blows another bellowing note. Yegor appears
above.
YEGOR
What the-- You’re not playing that in here!
(Semyon blows.)
Over my dead body!
(Semyon laughs then blows again.)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 31.

YEGOR (cont’d)
I’ll fill in a form about you !
Yegor exits. Semyon blows an almost melody;the
women applaud.

SERAFIMA
Now play a tune.
SEMYON
Peace, Serafima.Focus, please. Art is in progress.
(he reads.)
’Scales. The scale is the umbilical cord of music. Once
you have mastered the scale, you are a musician.’
MASHA
Play the scale, Senyechka.

Semyon reads:
SEMYON
’In order to conquer the scale, I, Theodor Hugo
Schultz, internationally renowned Concert Tubist,
suggest the following method. Go out and buy yourself a
an inexpensive pi-... ’
(He turns the page.)
’ano.’
SERAFIMA AND MASHA
A piano!
SEMYON
That can’t be right.
(Reads)
’Buy yourself an inexpensive pi- ...
(Checks to see if pages are stuck)
ano. See appendix for more information about the
piano’
MASHA
The appendix, there.
SEMYON
(reads)
’Play the scale on your piano and then repeat it on
your tuba.’

MASHA
How are we going to buy a piano?
SERAFIMA
Oh no.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 32.

SEMYON
Theodor Hugo Schultz you are a rat. You’re a swindling
cheat and a bastard. May you and your scales rot in
everlasting hell!

Semyon is raging with grief; he throws the manual.

SERAFIMA
You can’t trust anyone these days.
SEMYON
This tuba was my destiny!
SERAFIMA
It sounded like stomach cramps.
SEMYON
How will we live? This is the end, the end!
Masha is trying to comfort him.
MASHA
We’ll manage.

SERAFIMA
We always manage.
MASHA
We’ve still got my wages.

SERAFIMA
And we’ve never counted on you anyway.
SEMYON
Exactly! Exactly!

Semyon tears up the manual and kicks the stool.

Serafima quickly moves the tuba to safety.
SERAFIMA
Help me with my second job, cleaning toilets.
SEMYON
Line up the toilets, give me a rag! No wait, why don’t
you just piss on me directly!

He picks up a small cup to throw.

MASHA
Don’t break that.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 33.

SEMYON
We’ll buy you another.
MASHA
We can’t.

SEMYON
We’ll manage somehow!
They fight for the cup. Semyon smashes it.

SERAFIMA
You wicked man.
MASHA
It was a wedding gift.

SEMYON
I wish that was my skull.
MASHA
It was the only one left...

SEMYON
You were better off before you married me.
MASHA
We don’t need anything to sit on do we? We’ll manage!

Masha breaks the stool and looks around for

something else.Semyon is really worried.
SEMYON
Don’t...Stop it. Leave me Masha! Get out while you
still can.

SERAFIMA
’Get out’ he says...
Alexander enters, then wishes he hadn’t.

MASHA
You dare tell me to ’get out’? And mother, who cleans
toilets so you can have your tuba, you want her to ’get
out’ too? If you died, Semyon, if you died, we are the
only people in the whole world who would weep by your
grave and...this is no way to live....
Pause. Semyon and Masha stare at each other.
SERAFIMA
Are you leaving him?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 34.

Delicately and awkwardly, Alexander navigates the

space between them.
MASHA
Do you want me to ?

SEMYON
It’s up to you.
MASHA
But you say you’d rather kill yourself than live with
me.
Pause. Semyon is silent.Alexander exits.
MASHA
I give up.

Serafima escorts Masha to the kitchen.

SERAFIMA
There’s work back at the village, digging turnips,
don’t you worry...

SEMYON
Where are you going?
MASHA
I don’t know...

The women exit. Semyon is alone.

SEMYON
Let her go. Set her free. One less flea in the flea
pit.
(He takes out his letter and gun.)
Count to ten and the torment’s over.
He puts the gun to his temple and closes his eyes.
Alexander enters, leading Aristarkh Dominikovich
Grand-Skubik.

SEMYON
One, two, three...
ARISTARKH
I can’t thank you enough
SEMYON
Four, five...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 35.

ALEXANDER
The small fee we talked about -?
SEMYON
Six...

ARISTARKH
Of course.
SEMYON
Seven ...

ARISTARKH
Here you are.
SEMYON
Eight, nine...

ALEXANDER
Go on.
Alexander exits.Pause.

SEMYON
Nine and a half...
ARISTARKH
(calling)
Comrade! Good day.
(Semyon jumps. He hides the gun.)
Pardon me, did I interrupt? If you’re in the middle of
something, please continue.
SEMYON
That’s all right, thank you sir.

ARISTARKH
Oh, don’t call me ’sir’. Here we are, two revolutionary
comrades, thinking men, no difference whatsoever
between us.
(Semyon smiles nervously.)
Except that you are very likely the Semyon
Podsekalnikov who has decided to kill himself.
SEMYON
Yes. No! I mean, I’m not him.
(Aristarkh picks up Semyon’s discarded
note from the table.)
If you’re looking for an unlicensed firearm, sir, I
don’t have such a thing, especially to kill myself.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 36.

ARISTARKH
Curious!
(reads)
’In the event of my death, no one is to blame.’ This
seems to be a suicide note. And of course, you’ve
signed it, haven’t you?
SEMYON
Yes.
ARISTARKH
Comrade, I’m here to help you.
SEMYON
How?
ARISTARKH
For a start, this note will never do.
SEMYON
What’s wrong with it?
ARISTARKH
Think, Semyon, think.What is wrong with this note?
SEMYON
Er-
ARISTARKH
"No one is to blame?!" Of course someone’s to blame! My
dear boy, you are so right to take leave of your life.
It’s not worth living; of course it’s not; it must be
simply horrifying. And someone is to blame. I cannot
name them but, as a dead man, you can do so. Semyon,
tell me fearlessly, who do you blame?
SEMYON
Theodor Hugo Schultz.
ARISTARKH
Schultz. I don’t know him personally-- is he a
Comintern man?
(he shudders)
I think they’re all to blame; We thinkers have been
silenced-- silenced like white slaves in
the proletariat’s harem... Thus, as an intellectual,
you want to die quid pro quo don’t you? Speaking for
the truth?
SEMYON
Yes.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 37.

ARISTARKH
And what is the truth?
Semyon shrugs.
ARISTARKH
Think, think Semyon! The controls, the
financing,the systemic corruption, the rationing, the
grinding unemployment,and your social despair. Are
these things your creation? Are they your destiny? No,
they result from particular political and economical
machinations. And who is necessary to save Mother
Russia from these machinations?
SEMYON
Intellectuals...?

ARISTARKH
Bravo! Bravo Semyon; I see intelligence shining in your
eyes. I know you want to die a meaningful, heroic
death, admired by nation and family...
SEMYON
It does sound good.
ARISTARKH
Then act quickly. Tear up this worthless note and write
another. Accuse them, blame them, speak your heart.

SEMYON
Blame the intellectuals.
ARISTARKH
No! - defend us! Defend! And perhaps end by asking:
why a loyal citizen like
(he gives a small bow)
Aristarkh Dominikovich Grande-Skubnik has not been
employed in the construction of soviet socialism?
SEMYON
You’re unemployed like me?
ARISTARKH
Not quite like you. But Semyon, when you have revised
your note, I will personally ensure that it will be
read across Russia.

SEMYON
Why would Russia read my note?
ARISTARKH
Because of your sacrifice!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 38.

SEMYON
That simple?
ARISTARKH
Your name--a slogan!Your head-- a brass bust. Your
picture on every front page! The elite of our
nation,the Intelligentsia, will gather at your coffin,
comrade.We will drown your hearse in flowers and
elegant horses with white pom poms will bear you to the
cemetery.

SEMYON
White pom poms?
ARISTARKH
I would enjoy such a death myself only, alas, I’m
needed alive.

SEMYON
My life will have meant something.
ARISTARKH
Permit me to embrace you... You are a true
Intellectual,and my equal. I didn’t cry when my mother
died. My poor mother. But now... now...
(Aristarkh weeps. Semyon comforts him.)
I will return in one hour for your note.
Aristarkh exits.

SEMYON
I’ll write the truth and the whole truth and
find enough blame to fill the Volga and cover all the
land! Where’s paper? I need more paper!
(Serafima and Masha enter in coats)
Masha I need -- are you going out?
MASHA
Why would you care?

SEMYON
If you are, could you bring me back some paper?
MASHA
Get it yourself!

They exit. Semyon shouts after them.

SEMYON
It’s not just the Comintern oppressing me, it’s you!
(The door slams. )
She’ll be so sorry when I’m dead; she’ll be jostling
the intelligentsia for a look /at my grave...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 39.

Alexander appears at the window with Kleopatra

Maximovna.
ALEXANDER
Psst...Semyon -

SEMYON
Comrade! Have you got any paper?
ALEXANDER
No. Got someone who wants to meet you.

Alexander heaves and Kleopatra appears. The lazzo

of romantic hypnotism.
KLEOPATRA
Hello...Are you Semyon?

Pause. Semyon is gazing at her. Alexander

struggles to hold her up as she poses.
SEMYON
Oui...

KLEOPATRA
Excuse my clandestine arrival...
ALEXANDER
Kiki, clandestine is extra.

Kleopatra reluctantly pays more. Alexander winks

at Semyon and goes.
KLEOPATRA
I’m Kleopatra Maximovna.Kiki. I know all about you.So
tragic and so brave. I beg you; on my knees I implore
you: do not throw away your beautiful life.
SEMYON
(modest)
Oh...
KLEOPATRA
We are so similar, Comrade Potsen--Pidsuk--
SEMYON
Podsekalnikov, Semyon.
KLEOPATRA
So similar, I’m inspired to ask an intimate favour.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 40.

SEMYON
Please.

KLEOPATRA
You are a man of great soul. Most men look at me and
they just see a face, they see Kleopatra Maximovna;
face, face, face, and when they pursue me they just
want my body, they want to take my body and make love
to it as if my body was just a body alone without a
thinking, feeling soul-- but Semyon, you are not like
that, are you?
SEMYON
No. No, definitely.

KLEOPATRA
My mother was a gypsy.She went mad; I’m not ashamed. I
grew up wild, slender as a birch tree, free as the
wind...All my life, I’ve searched for the man who would
understand my soul and now I think I’ve found him,
found him in you, but it’s too late - you are to die in
this cruel way./ You are to kill yourself.
SEMYON
Yes... But maybe not yet...
Yegor emerges from his room and watches the scene.

KLEOPATRA
Look in my eyes. Take my hands. Love is agony.
SEMYON
Yes...
KLEOPATRA
Can you feel it? Beating here?
SEMYON
Yes.
KLEOPATRA
Even in our time, when love is despised, trampled by
the poets with their formalist nonsense, it beats!
Don’t kiss me- .

SEMYON
Sorry--
KLEOPATRA
--I ask this small favour: kill yourself for the one
woman who understands the love in your soul. Kill
yourself for Kleopatra: for Kiki and for love. Lovers
will sob upon your grave. We will carry your coffin
draped with flowers...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 41.

SEMYON
--and white pom poms?
KLEOPATRA
Yes! Love! Will you promise yourself to me?

SEMYON
I’m sort of committed -
KLEOPATRA
We are both in chains. Write about it. Write how you
feel...
Kleopatra is giving him little kisses on the face
SEMYON
But um--

KLEOPATRA
Say you die for despair that you will never be worthy
of me. Then Viktor Viktorivich will dump her, because
he will see me for what I am, because he is an aesthete
while she is a bitch.

SEMYON
Who?
KLEOPATRA
Raisa Filipovna. She wants his body, only his body,
while I adore his soul... Defend the soul, M’sieur
Pister--Pidstip--
SEMYON
--Podsekalnikov--

KLEOPATRA
--and you’ll never be forgotten.
Masha calls from downstairs.

MASHA
Semyon? Semyon!
SEMYON
I thought she’d gone to work.

KLEOPATRA
What is it?
SEMYON
Oh God-- Quick - It’s my--

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 42.

Semyon wants Kleo to hide but there isn’t time.

Lazzo of hiding the girlfriend from the other
girlfriend.
MASHA
Semyon--? I--
SEMYON
(to Kleopatra as he guides her to
Alexander’s room.)
My Cook.

MASHA
What?
SEMYON
’Cook’ me some soup. And an eggnog.

MASHA
Who do you think you are?
KLEOPATRA
She’s so rude!

SEMYON
Please?
MASHA
I was about to buy a train ticket but Mother said,
"give him another chance" --
SEMYON
She sometimes brings her mother, a vicious hag; quick,
hide in here...

MASHA
Who is that?
KLEOPATRA
Defy her with our love. Kiss me...

Semyon tries to indicate to Masha that he doesn’t

know why Kiki is kissing him. He pushes Kleopatra
into the room and holds the door shut. Masha is
aghast. Through the following Kiki is trying to
get through the door as Semyon holds it shut.

MASHA
I’m going away now Semyon.
SEMYON
Masha...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 43.

MASHA
Would you pass me my coat... Yegor?
YEGOR
Yes, Yes!
(Yegor races to get Masha’s coat. She
walks to the door. He holds the coat out
for her.)
I’m giving your wife her coat, comrade.
MASHA
Goodbye, Yegor.
KLEOPATRA
Semyon...!
SEMYON
No --wait Masha--
YEGOR
Maria Lukianovna, you are so lovely, I always view you
from the Marxist point of view, which is to say as drab
and sexless. But when you gaze at me as you do now
- you are so bright, I shut my eyes to breathe.
Masha kisses Yegor’s cheek.She leaves.He follows.
SEMYON
Masha--Kiki look-- Masha--please Kiki-- Masha wait--
WAIT, Masha, WAIT!
Lazzo of the revolving door when Masha brushes
past Father Yelpidy and Serafima who are
entering.Kleopatra knocks on the door.Semyon gives
Kleopatra a flying shove to the back of
Alexander’s room and slams the door.
MASHA
(off))
I hate you !

SEMYON
No...
Semyon pursues Masha but the lazzo continues as
Yelpidy grabs his arm and swings him around.
Kleopatra escapes and takes a few steps down the
stairs; seeing Yelpidy she runs back to hide.
YELPIDY
Slow down my boy!HARLOT! The devil won’t get you while
I’m here.In paris eat fillets and spirits of platypus.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 44.

SEMYON
Let /go of me. Masha--!
SERAFIMA
Hold him tight Father Yelpidy! (to Semyon) This is your
last chance. Masha--?
(momentarily she wonders where is Masha)
-- demands you listen to the Holy Father.
SEMYON
Will she come back if I do?

SERAFIMA
If you repent.
Semyon waivers then decides to stay.

YELPIDY
You are contemplating a mortal sin!
SERAFIMA
He doesn’t even believe in God.

YELPIDY
Well God believes in you, boy... unless you despair.
SEMYON
(gritting his teeth)
Does Masha need me to do this?

YELPIDY
When you despair, it’s too late. You’re on the slimy,
slippery slope to hell.
SEMYON
Yes.
SERAFIMA
Watch your language.

YELPIDY
Hell. Devoured by flesh eating insects while frying in
tar and always, out of your straining reach, cool lakes
of glacial vodka. Poison frogs infect your glands; ears
ring with demon sounds. Doleo! Scalds and
blisters.Morsus Doleo! Ulcerated bursts...thirsts...
terrible, afflicting pain...
SERAFIMA
Isn’t there any more helpful advice, Father?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 45.

YELPIDY
Not for a godforsaken suicide.
(suddenly inspired.)
Unless-- Will you be writing a note, boy?

Alexander appears at the window.

ALEXANDER
Aha!
SEMYON
Yes.
YELPIDY
Will you be mentioning despair?
SEMYON
Maybe.
YELPIDY
Then tell the people how you despaired in God.
(Yelpidy perambulates, forking Alexander
some cash on his way)
Describe how I, Father Yelpidy, came to save you from
damnation, how you laughed and pushed me away, but no
sooner were you dead, than you realized your mistake.
Serafima starts to guide Yelpidy away.

SERAFIMA
Yes Father, he’ll take some time to think about it...
YELPIDY
You promised tea.

SERAFIMA
And a little something to help it down...?
They exit to the kitchen. Alexander heads up to
his room. Yegor enters.

SEMYON
Stop Alexander, she’s in your room!
Whistling, Alexander goes in.

YEGOR
Who is?
Kleopatra squeals. Yegor smiles with malice.Semyon
dithers about whether to fetch Kleopatra.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 46.

YEGOR
You see? Precisely, I-- tell me about commas.
SEMYON
Commies? Well--

YEGOR
Punctuation.
(stands at attention;reads)
“Pravda. Comrade Editor. Scientists have proved there
are spots on the sun. Just such a spot in sexual
matters is Alexander Kalabushkin. The keeper of the
shooting gallery is a counter-revolutionary who spends
his nights in orgies his anti-Soviet eroticism
flagrantly revealed. Signed, thirty-five thousand
postmen.”

SEMYON
Thirty-five thousand postmen!
YEGOR
It’s my pen name.

Alexander opens his door and steps out with a box

of contraband cigars, laughing with Kiki who
remains offstage.
ALEXANDER
No no, thank you, Comrade!

Yegor challenges him.The lazzo of unknowing self-

incrimination.
YEGOR
In “a counter revolutionary who spends his nights in
orgies his anti-Soviet eroticism fully revealed", where
is the comma?
ALEXANDER
After ’orgies’-- of course my poor Yegor.

SEMYON
Yegor-
YEGOR
(to Semyon)
Comrade, honest workers are slaves to these educated
classes. If you’re going to kill yourself, do it for
the Proletariat.
SEMYON
Alexander-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 47.

ALEXANDER
Hey! You talk to him, you come through me-- got that?
Waving his letter triumphantly, Yegor exits
through the window.

SEMYON
Alexander, the counter revolutionary?
ALEXANDER
Yes?

SEMYON
Is you.
ALEXANDER
Bring him back! You’re fast Semyon run! My life’s on
the line!
Alexander dashes upstairs to hide his contraband;
Semyon pursues Yegor. Father Yelpidy enters from
the kitchen to see Semyon leap through the window.
Viktor and Raisa enter. Lazzo of the embarrassing
social greeting.
YELPIDY
Harlots!
VIKTOR
(to Yelpidy)
Comrade Podsekalnikov.An honour more in the breach than
the observance.
YELPIDY
Wrong sinner!

Yelpidy slugs from his flask. Viktor and Raisa sit

nervously.Aristarkh enters.
VIKTOR
Comrade Podsekalnikov.
ARISTARKH
Wrong today sir; wise tomorrow.
Aristarkh lounges. They eye one another.

VIKTOR
Where is Podsekalnikov?
Voices are heard in Alexander’s room

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 48.

KLEOPATRA
(to Alexander)
Monster...You stink like a hound!
VIKTOR
Ah--Comrade Podsekal--
( Kleopatra emerges)
Kiki.
KLEOPATRA
Viktor.

RAISA
(explodes)
I want my money back! Kalabushkin, did I give you five
rubles for a meeting with that slut?

ARISTARKH
I also paid five rubles!
YELPIDY
And I!

VIKTOR
How is Kiki involved in this?
ALEXANDER
She’s leaving.

RAISA
You promised him to us-- and now she has him?
YELPIDY
He ’s promised to the Church!

VIKTOR
Where is Podsekalnikov?
KLEOPATRA
Viktor--!

RAISA
He believes in the New Soviet Woman Kiki, you’re over!
ARISTARKH
I demand to know what I paid for!

ALEXANDER
You paid for an opportunity comrade, like everyone
else.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 49.

RAISA
It’s a lottery?
ALEXANDER
All clients pay for access to the suicidal man.
I’ll present him with your various notes but,
obviously, I can’t predict which one he’ll choose.
ARISTARKH
I can. He’ll shoot himself on behalf of the
intelligentsia.

KLEOPATRA
He’ll shoot himself for love!
RAISA
Kah! For Women in the Work-place!

VIKTOR
What about Poetry? / What about Art?!
Raisa comforts Viktor.

YELPIDY
His lost soul might save ten thousand!
VIKTOR
Where the hell is Podsekalnikov?

Margarita enters with a depressed Semyon.

MARGARITA
He’s here. I found him at the train station.
SEMYON
I couldn’t catch Yegor Timofeevich. And Masha’s gone .
ALEXANDER
All right,everybody. No more meetings.Go home.
Kleopatra throws her arms around Alexander. Under
Margarita’s gaze he is uncomfortable.
KLEOPATRA
Remember: my note first. Adieu...

She leaves. Semyon sits, head down.

ARISTARKH
Might we know the time of death, Semyon Semyonovich?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 50.

MARGARITA
What?
SEMYON
The time?

ARISTARKH
Would tonight at midnight suit you? To--
VIKTOR
Shuffle off this mortal coil.

MARGARITA
If it’s his last night he should have a party.
RAISA
Good idea!
(to Semyon)
Would you like that?
SEMYON
A party...

MARGARITA
Your new friends will pay for it.Right?
They all look at one another and agree.
RAISA
My Dressmakers’ Soviet will outfit you.They’ll love it!
And Viktor will write your obituary.He’s very good.
VIKTOR
From fall of light to stroke of midnight.

ARISTARKH
Midnight it is then.(he salutes) Comrade.
At a nod from Alexander, Raisa and Viktor follow
Aristarkh out.Semyon is dazed.

SEMYON
I want a reason for living. But I can’t find it alive.
MARGARITA
Shame on you Kalabushkin.
(Alexander goes into his room.)
Listen, maybe there’s no reason to go on but there’s no
reason not to. Something turns up. We manage.
Margarita kisses Semyon. Yegor enters; he’s
astonished.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 51.

YEGOR
How do you do it?

MARGARITA
(to Yegor) Have you no shame? Give him some privacy!
YEGOR
It’s a public hallway!

Yegor runs from Margarita;she calls upstairs.

MARGARITA
Alexander Kalabushkin, you’re a promiscuous goat and a
heartless opportunist. But, since you’re grieving for
your mother, I expect you at my restaurant in ten
minutes.
Margarita exits.
SEMYON
At the stroke of twelve there’s a chasm... Between the
tick and the tock I’ll be gone. ’Counselor, What is on
the tick side?’ ’Everything’. ’And on the tock?’
’Nothing’. Tick-- I am still with myself, my wife, the
sun and the water. This I understand. Then tock...
(He stops.Alexander enters with a pile
of notes.)
What’s this?
ALEXANDER
Causes.You make the choice; I make the profit. I mean,
I know it’s all to get your wife to settle down, right
pal? You’d never...(he mimes)
Semyon evades, shuffles through the papers, reads.
SEMYON
’Dearest Comrade’...’To the hero of our
Revolution’...ha, like I’m someone who makes things
tick...
ALEXANDER
Uh--my mother, comrade.I’ve got some grieving to do...

Alexander follows Margarita off. Semyon thinks.

SEMYON
Tick: A human being is a cage and the poor soul is
bored to death in this cage. Tock: the soul flies
out and cries ’Hosanna!’, it cries, ’Hosanna’ ... And
God says, "what soul are you?". "A beggar and a crazy
fool"."Have you suffered?" "Yes I’ve suffered". "Then
go have a good time!"...and the soul begins to dance,
to dance and dance, and sing...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 52.

Distant music is heard as the scene transforms

around Semyon and, as night falls, he is singing
at Margarita’s restaurant...
 53.

ACT THREE
At Margerita’s restaurant
Night. Guests have assembled including:

Margarita,Grusha, Sonia, Natasha, Alexander,

Aristarkh, Kleopatra watching Victor and Raisa,
and Father Yelpidy. It’s a messy party and
Serafima cleans up after everybody.

Three Musicians play in a gypsy/klesmer style.

Semyon is in his undershirt, about to limbo dance
under a broom held by Grusha and Oleg; Sonia pours
vodka into his open mouth, Natasha holds back-up
glasses on the back of an overturned guitar. Lamp
light with huge shadows. Oleg introduces the
drinking song "Start Wearing Purple".
OLEG
’To us has come our very own Semyon’:
ALL
(singing)
Semyon Semyon drink up Semyon/ Semyon Semyon drink up
now/Your sanity and wits they will all vanish, I
promise/ it’s just a matter of time!
SEMYON
(limbo dancing with a glass on his
forehead, singing)
And you can start wearing purple wearing purple!/Start
wearing purple for me now/ a purple a purple little
lady is perfect / for dirty no-good Russian clown/Ya ya
ya...
GRUSHA
Bravo!
SEMYON
(standing momentarily as all applaud
him) What’s the time Grusha?
GRUSHA
Vodka time!

Refills all round

MARGARITA
Don’t think, drink!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 54.

VIKTOR
(conducting the band)
Chorus!
ALL
Start wearing purple wearing purple...
Semyon seizes the broomstick to balance it on his
nose. The guests cheer wildly.
ARISTARKH
Honour and glory to you dear Semyon!
Kleopatra embraces Semyon to show Viktor
KLEOPATRA
What a man! Such passion!

VIKTOR
Glory and honour to you Comrade Podsekalnikov!
ALEXANDER
(drunk)
You’re the man of the hour / Semyon!
ARISTARKH
Our hero! The government will surely stretch out its
hand--

RAISA
Who needs the government? During the war Soviet women
ran this country--the working women who struggle now
for jobs!

VIKTOR
Friends; Russians; Comrades. We come to bury Semyon and
to praise him!
RAISA
Semyon Semyonivitch, leader in our struggle!

All raise the toast.

SEMYON
Follow the leader!

Music. Raisa and Viktor embrace, then follow

Alexander and Aristarkh wildly chasing Semyon
MARGERITA
Sonia! Open another case!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 55.

SONIA
That’s three cases...
MARGERITA
Mark down twelve rubles.

SERAFIMA
Father, how does all this sinning make my son-in-law
more saintly?
MARGARITA
Number three toilet--needs unblocking.Shoo...
YELPIDY
(to Grusha and Raisa)
Did you hear the one about Pushkin and the bath-house?

RAISA
Pushkin, the poet--?
YELPIDY
Followed a whore to the bath-house/ heh heh heh

GRUSHA
Windy chinks and peepholes--
NATASHA
(as Pushkin) "I can see you Comrade!"

KLEOPATRA
I don’t like smut;/excuse me.
YELPIDY
Yes you do, all the little girls/like it.

GRUSHA
(toasts)
Smutty working girls!
RAISA
Do you vote "yes" to smutty girls comrades?
VIKTOR, SEMYON AND ALL
Yes!
Raisa toasts laughing heartily;Aristarkh sulks;
Kiki is put out. The music ends.Semyon gives the
musicians money.
SEMYON
You must have a hell of a piano to play like that. It’s
an honour having you at my... at my ...here:take this.
(To Serafima as they start another tune)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 56.

SEMYON (cont’d)
Oh, I wish Masha was here.
SERAFIMA
Such a fine party and you don’t let her enjoy it.

SEMYON
(sings to the tune of ’Kalinka’)
Mashenka! Mashenka! Mashenka my dear--
(the mood saddens and continues as
underscore)
...What’s the time?
The lazzo of the serious speech and the vulgar
joke that use the same words.
ARISTARKH
Comrades! This young man is leaving us for a better
place!
SONIA
That’s any place not this place.

ARISTARKH
No, even further away!
Music underscore continues.
VICTOR
That undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveler
returns.
Yelpidy continues his joke

YELPIDY
So Pushkin whips off his pants--
ARISTARKH
His death will have an impact on every Russian.

YELPIDY
--and tells her "behold"--
ARISTARKH
Semyon Semyonovich will be /the...

music underscore continues ever more romantic...

YELPIDY
--the prick of conscience!/Hee hee hee hee!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 57.

ARISTARKH
--Men will rise to your example Semyon./The gates of
the Kremlin/ will be thrown open--
RAISA
And women!
SEMYON
The Kremlin?
ARISTARKH
--and the worker will offer his hand to the
intelligentsia!
KLEOPATRA
for love!/--

VICTOR
-and the worker will offer his hands to the poet of
Russia--
KLEOPATRA
--for love!

RAISA
--and the poets of Russia will vow to fight for--
KLEOPATRA
love--

Raisa silences Kleopatra

RAISA
--equal pay for Soviet women!

MARGARITA
Music!
ARISTARKH
I didn’t weep when my mother died...not a tear
comrades, but now...
Music breaks into a fast number under the toast.
Kleopatra bites Raisa; they square off for a
confrontation. Natasha and Oleg distract
them.Semyon dances.

ALEXANDER
(to Margarita)
What a business!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 58.

NATASHA
Here’s to Semyon Semyonovitch!
VIKTOR
Courtier, soldier,/scholar

{ARISTARKH
--Scholar;
OLEG
Long life!

Everything stops.
ARISTARKH
Well...

ALEXANDER
Speech! Speech!
KLEOPATRA
Speech!

Pause. Semyon stands alone.

SEMYON
What time is it?
ARISTARKH
Ten to midnight.
MARGARITA
But our clock is always fast.
GRUSHA
We have fourteen beats in the bar.
NATASHA AND GRUSHA
Dead beats!
Natasha and Grusha stomp. Yegor enters.

SEMYON
Yegor’s here! ’To us has come our very own Yegor’:
Semyon motions the band to play. The girls stomp
harder.
ALL
Yegor, drink up, drink up Yegor/ Yegor drink up drink
up now/Your sanity and wits they will all vanish, we
promise/ Yegor drink up drink up now!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 59.

YEGOR
Thank you, comrades, I don’t use alcohol myself, but I
was once toasted warmly when I won my People’s Award
/for Speedy Delivery--

SEMYON
--for Speedy Delivery!
(to the girls)
ALEXANDER
Speedy with the ladies eh, Yegor?

(Alexander flings Yegor at Grusha and Natasha and

he ends up on their shoulders amid squeals and
cheers. Serafima is crossing with bucket and mop)
SERAFIMA
Disgusting,wretched,vile!
YEGOR
I deny your slander!
VIKTOR
And where is the People’s Award for Poetry comrades? A
poet understands the Russian character better than
anyone, yet he receives no awards.
ARISTARKH
You should write about intellectuals.

VIKTOR
I write about workers.
YEGOR
Post men?
VIKTOR
Well...
YEGOR
I’m a post man. I want to hear about post men.
GRUSHA
Oo, audience of one.
RAISA
And post women.
ARISTARKH
(to Viktor)
What do you say, comrade?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 60.

VIKTOR
Certainly the postal worker is heroic...resilient... so
often called to endure the unendurable, that his--
her--his/her character must crack.

YEGOR
(dangerously)
We are thirty-five thousand post men. And not one of us
has a crack.
RAISA
That’s not what Pushkin said!
Laughter. Yegor silences everyone.
YEGOR
The character of the Russian postman was conceived in
Marxist theory and born in our great revolution!
VIKTOR
(at attention)
I revere the Revolution and the postmen of our Soviet
Republic!

YEGOR
And are we cracked?
Viktor flouders.Kleopatra defiantly rescues him.

KLEOPATRA
Yes! In the Soul, like all true Russians.
Viktor orates for his life. The band sensitively
accompany him.

VIKTOR
O Postman in your Soviet beaver cap, ride your sleigh
across the steppe, silver bells a-tinkle, gypsies
singing round you, your favourite dog howls at the
moon...

KLEOPATRA
My mother was a gypsy...
VICTOR
O hear! A guitar string breaks!
The postman weeps into his homespun mitts,
He wants to toss his hat into the sky,
to weep, to sing, to curse, and to repent!
To have a good drink, and throw mail to the skies!
Your way, my way, the Russian way...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 61.

KLEOPATRA
(joining Viktor’s oration)
Soul ripped out and tossed to the devil!
VIKTOR
Old Russia? New Russia, racing forward, --
KLEOPATRA
Leaping the cracks--!
Yegor is mollified about the cracks. Raisa is
annoyed by Kleopatra’s partnership with Viktor.
VIKTOR
Inspired by the Postman’s Song!
Semyon leads applause.

RAISA
(reclaiming Viktor)
Semyon Semyonovich, we believe you support both women
and poets.

SEMYON
Even women poets.
Aristarkh is visibly upset that Raisa is
schmoozing Semyon; he starts to complain.

SEMYON
I support all of you. Sonia! Shoot me!
Viktor is smug; Aristarkh remonstrates with
Alexander.Yegor disentangles himself from
Grusha.Sonia serves Semyon a shot.

SONIA
Three litres of slivovitz.
MARGARITA
Mark down five roubles.
(to Semyon)
MARGARITA
You’ll laugh about this in the morning.

Margarita banishes Serafima to the kitchen.

SEMYON
I’m laughing now. Life begins thirty minutes before it
ends!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 62.

ARISTARKH
Ladies and gentlemen and postmen! Our friend, Semyon
Semyonovich is now going to select his Cause /so kindly
indulge--

SEMYON
Wait - I want to ask you something. What happens after?
ARISTARKH
Well,there’s a lavish funeral, obviously, with
celebrity invitations, Party media, all our premier
citizens; then a huge procession: pom poms etcetera,
then graveside orations from myself and whichever
other/ causes you might select to...
MARGARITA
He doesn’t mean what happens for you.

Aristarkh is non-plussed.
SEMYON
Is there Life after death?

KLEOPATRA
I am a spirit vessel.You could send me messages from
/the -
VICTOR
The bourne whence no traveler returns-

KLEOPATRA
- spelling words and moving things from there to
here...

{MARGARITA
Drink...
{SERAFIMA
(crossing to exit again)
Tsk tsk.

SEMYON
Is there Life after death?
ARISTARKH
What says the Church?

YELPIDY
God, I hate this question.
YEGOR
According to Socialism there isn’t--

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 63.

YELPIDY
According to Religion there is--
SEMYON
According to Alexander--?

ALEXANDER
C’mon!It’s supposed to be a party!
MARGARITA
Music! What do I pay you for?

The Musicians play.Semyon drinks. Serafima lurks

with her mop.
SEMYON
Drink to me, comrades!

The music is now like a dirge. Aristarkh hands

Semyon the pistol and Alexander gives him the pile
of notes.
ARISTARKH
Semyon Semyonovich, thinker of thinkers. Alone, with a
pistol in his hand, he sets out on the highway of
history...
VIKTOR
On his lips the lyrics of the Revolution... as he
crunches over the salt of the earth...
KLEOPATRA
Seeking beauty...
YEGOR
For the masses!
ALEXANDER
Choose your Cause...

The Musicians finish.Semyon pushes the lottery

notes away.
SEMYON
I am about to end my life. My God. I can do anything,
anything. It doesn’t matter; I’m going to die anyway! I
could go to the Supreme Soviet, stick out my tongue at
the chairman and say, "you didn’t know there’s a
Podsekalnikov in Soviet Russia, did you--? Well, here I
am comrades--dancing a ballet; eating your perogies!".
I could shout at the top of my lungs that I,
Podsekalnikov, am dying for... dying...

(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 64.

SEMYON (cont’d)
...for the first time in my life I’m not afraid. I’m
happy Comrades, happy as a Tsar! oh hold me down I’m
flying! What shall I do? Call the Kremlin. Call them
to account openly, boldly. I wasn’t much in life but
when I’m dead, hear me roar! I’m a Colossus! A Caesar!
With a determined look in his eye Semyon grabs the
telephone.Serafima returns from the toilets.
SERAFIMA
What are you doing?
SEMYON
(officiously to the operator)
Get me the Kremlin.
(Hush. Terror)
I said "the Kremlin" and they’re putting me through!
Me! The Kremlin! Straight through to the red heart of
Soviet Russia!
SERAFIMA
Lord help us.

ARISTARKH
Stop him, someone.
Viktor and Aristarkh confer as cronies, their
animosity forgotten.

SEMYON
Hello? Get me Mr. Moustachio, the top dog.Is this the
top dog? Good evening. This is Semyon Semyonovich
Podsekalnikov, an individual. I was going to be a
genius but my parents were against it. Listen: I want
you to know, I have read Marx and I don’t like him.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!
shocked intakes of breath in the room
ALEXANDER
Hang up man, hang up
SEMYON
I find Marx boring.
SEMYON
I stand in line for a living, which is to say I’m
unemployed, which is to say this line up makes me mad.
Did I agree to be slapped in the face by my own
Revolution? What did I ever do to be one of your
statistics? DON’T INTERRUPT!

More shocked intakes of breath.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 65.

Yegor loses control momentarily.

YEGOR
Tell them their Socialism stinks! Tell them !
MARGARITA
For pity’s sake, it’s my number.
SEMYON
Listen up all you cowering cowards in the Kremlin !
There are two hundred million of us here in this Soviet
Union, and each million is afraid of someone. I am the
only one afraid of no-one. Meaning: I am a dead man.
Meaning: I matter, I matter, I matter; I’ve become now
what I always could have been:I am the boy genius and I
thumb my nose at you, you sons of bitches!

RAISA
Oh no, no...
Alexander takes the phone and hangs it up. All
exhale.Semyon slumps.Viktor speaks aside to Yegor.

VIKTOR
A word isn’t a sparrow Comrade. You let it out, you
can’t catch it and for that they catch you and don’t
let you out".
ARISTARKH
Time marches on, comrade. Be so good as to select your
Cause.
Victor takes dictation.Semyon, unaware, speaks
simply.

SEMYON
Thank you, all of you, for coming to my party. I
thought I was alone but you’ve shown me that you
care. Asking, ’what d’ you think Semyon?’, ’how d’ you
feel...?

To my surprise, dear comrades, I’m going to die. Me,

Semyon, tonight... heading west as they say, setting
sail... (The clock begins to strike twelve)... My
boat’s called in and I’m answering the call. For all of
us. Life?! I demand satisfaction.

A deathly hush. Viktor has been unable to take

dictation but Semyon signs his name anyway. He
holds his gun with one hand,picks up his bottle
with the other and lifts it in a toast. He bows.
He exits.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 66.

Silence.
Everyone applauds- except Alexander and Margarita
who look at one another with concern, and Serafima
who is puzzled.

SERAFIMA
(to the girls)
Where’s he going?
They have no idea.

NATASHA
Did he really call the Kremlin?
SONIA
He left without paying.

GRUSHA
Creepy.
VIKTOR
’Heading west’-- sailing metaphor:poetry.

ARISTARKH
(pounds his fist into his hand)
’I am an individual’; a plea for intellectuals!
RAISA
And women.
ARIATARKH
Hardly.
YEGOR
He did it! He stuck out his tongue at the Kremlin!
Silence. They are waiting, listening hard.
RAISA
Where is it?
SERAFIMA
Where’s what?
VIKTOR
The gunshot.
Pause. The discomfort grows.
MARGARITA
He’s gone to sleep it off.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 67.

VIKTOR
If t’were done, when tis done, t’were well t’were done
quickly...
ALEXANDER
(to Serafima)
I’ll go look after him.
Alexander goes after Semyon.
We hear a distant gunshot. Reactions range from
shock (Serafima) to concerned (Margarita, the band
and the girls) to relieved (everyone but Yelpidy
who has drunk himself unconscious).
ARISTARKH
Gentlemen - that’s to say, people, and women - I see no
reason why our friend could not be a man of many
parts: poet and lover, Intellectual, womens’ rights
activist, representative of the people,
(Yelpidy staggers upright)
even a church disciple...
(Aristarkh raises his glass)
To Semyon Podeskalnikov...let us unite in his memory.
The band play a dirge. Viktor, Aristarkh,
Raisa,and Kleopatra confer. Serafima stands
slowly. The scene changes about her and the band
as she sings.
 68.

ACT FOUR
Dawn, growing into a sunny morning.

The Podsekalnikov hallway appartment. Serafima is

cuddling Masha, who is not relaxed.
SERAFIMA
The tempest rages, lightning flashes/Wind is howling,
thunder crashes/Sleep my little baby girl...

MASHA
Mother, where is Semyon?
SERAFIMA
Sleep my darling daughter/even when the fire burns you
and you’re drowning in the water...
MASHA
Did you see I put two yolks in Semyon’s egg nog? He
says no-one makes it quite like me.

SERAFIMA
Masha...
MASHA
Mother don’t criticise! I took a vow "till death do us
part".

SERAFIMA
Yes.
MASHA
Semyon’s not a dead weight.

SERAFIMA
No.
MASHA
He’ll find a job.

SERAFIMA
Not where he is.
MASHA
Where is Semyon?
Serafima avoids. Masha sees the note Semyon wrote
earlier. She picks it up and reads.
In the event of my death, no-one is to blame.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 69.

SERAFIMA
They’re looking for his body. They had to wait for
dawn so they could see.
MASHA
Why didn’t you-- No!
The shock hits Masha.
SERAFIMA
I couldn’t find you/Where did you go?/How could I tell
you--?
MASHA
Semyon, Semyon, no!/ Why did he?/ Where is he? Oh God
mother-- why?

SERAFIMA
It’s a terrible thing he’s done./Oh Masha./Oh my poor
little girl...
Serafima holds MASHA. Enter Yelpidy and Aristarkh,
followed a moment later by Kleopatra and Raisa,
who carries swatches of fabric.
YELPIDY
Weep, weep, poor lady. Weep for your children whose
daddy is never coming home.

ARISTARKH
What daddy?
YELPIDY
The children’s daddy.

ARISTARKH
Children? (Serafima indicates "no") No children.
YELPIDY
Weep, young widow/for the children he never had...

ARISTARKH
Thank you, Father, for those comforting words.
KLEOPATRA
Um, these are the household staff.

Raisa starts measuring Masha for clothes.

ARISTARKH
Devoted staff: we regret to inform you that Semyon
Semyonovitch lies dead.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 70.

SERAFIMA
Where did you find him?
RAISA
Bust to hem, 39.

ARISTARKH
On the path of history.
SERAFIMA
Is that far away?

ARISTARKH
Quite far, under a tree. We will mark that tree, for he
died a hero.
Masha emits a terrible cry of grief.

ARISTARKH
Goodness!
RASIA
36, 24, 36

SERAFIMA
(sotto voce)
Is he a mess?
ARISTARKH
I couldn’t look. They of strong arms are bringing him.
Masha emits another terrible cry of grief
MASHA
Senyechka!

ARISTARKH
Is she going to do this for long?
SERAFIMA
Shhh, there Masha...
RAISA
I think brown felt hats...
KLEOPATRA
--sprinkled with tiny blue bells.
MASHA
My life is over... !

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 71.

ARISTARKH
Oh come now.
RAISA
(putting hats on the sobbing Masha)
Try this one. Egalitarian yet elegant.

KLEOPATRA
Not every servant gets a new hat.
MASHA
What good is a hat? When I had Semyon I had no hat.
Viktor enters at the head of a small cortege
VIKTOR
He comes! Our Fallen Comrade.

They stand back respectfully. AlexanderViktor

enter, carrying Semyon’s body. Margarita and Yegor
follow; Yegor carries the gun. Semyon has a wound
on his head. The sight of his blood horrifies
Masha into silence. Yelpidy prays. Aristarkh
weeps.
YELPIDY
Dominoes play us at dominoes.Words without sound./Amend
ARISTARKH
I didn’t cry when my poor mother died...
Alexander and Yegor lay Semyon on the bed.Lazzo of
the hats.
MASHA
Now I have a hat and no Semyon.
ALEXANDER
I’m sorry Masha. I never thought he’d...
Masha attacks Alexander, who is devastated.

MASHA
I don’t want to live. I’ll kill myself.
Yegor and Margarita restrain her.

MARGARITA
No you won’t. You’ll find a man who’ll spoil your
lipstick not your mascara.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 72.

MASHA
I don’t wear lipstick.
YEGOR
Precisely! Maria Lukianovna! I thought your husband was
a lazy slob. But Semyon Semyonovich had thoughts so
radical I could never have dared imagine them, until
today.
(Masha doesn’t know what he means)
Today I became worthy of you, Maria Lukianovna.
I would carry any burden-- regular,or express --

MASHA
What?
YEGOR
--if you would deign to live with me in my room--
ALEXANDER
Bad timing, comrade.
MASHA
Go away! Leave me alone.
YEGOR
--I’d deliver you from solitude.
MASHA
Don’t come near me, you little rat!/Go away!
YEGOR
I will go. (he runs, then stops) Goodbye, Maria
Lukianovna.

MASHA
Get out, all of you, get out/ I hate you! Leave us
alone!
Yegor makes his way upstairs. Yelpidy backs
towards the door.Masha collapses next to the body.

YELPIDY
Excuse me/Important Church business...
MASHA
I want to die, I want to die!
KLEOPATRA
(amazed, to Viktor)
How his domestics loved him...

Alexander, depressed, goes up to his room and

watches from the door.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 73.

VIKTOR
Not much of a selling point, sadly.
SERAFIMA
Wait, Father! How will we bury him? We’ve not a kopeck
to our names.

ARISTARKH
Never fear, my good woman: we have taken it upon
ourselves to pay for a hero’s burial, modelled on
Lenin’s.

YELPIDY
Through the generosity of the Church-
ARISTARKH
And the last of my mother’s antique furniture--

KLEOPATRA
We’ve booked a top quality undertaker.
ARISTARKH
An oak coffin with gilt fittings...

YELPIDY
A sung mass with full choir...
VIKTOR
A rhyming obituary...

RAISA
(presenting Serafime with a package)
And a new suit of clothes for him to wear at the
burial.

SERAFIMA
That takes care of the dead but what about the living?
We have no food.
ARISTARKH
Goodness,we need a reception!
VIKTOR
We must start a fund.
SERAFIMA
A fund?
ARISTARKH
Aha! A ’charitable fund’! I’ll see to it --

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 74.

VIKTOR
We’ll see to it.
MASHA
Get out, go!

ARISTARKH
You prepare the body and we’ll provide the fund. A
bientot!
Viktor, Kleopatra, Raisa and Aristarkh exit.

SERAFIMA
Real gentlemen!
MARGARITA
Yes,they don’t miss a turn.
(to Masha)
Come on. You’ll be all right.
SERAFIMA
(examining Semyon)
Huh, neat little head wound. I always said he had no
brains.Ha! I’ll get my bucket.
Serafima goes to the kitchen. Margarita comforts
Masha.
MARGARITA
A charitable fund. A decadent hat.You’ll survive this.
Alexander beats his head against the wall.
Serafima returns with a bucket and cloth, singing.
MASHA
I want to die.
SERAFIMA
(to Margarita)
Hey, fancy woman: help me dress the guts.

MARGARITA
I prefer men who are alive.
She climbs the stairs to Alexander. We see them
embrace before stepping inside his room.

Masha lies next to Semyon. He cuddles up in the

same way as at the top of the show. She is
bewildered. She sits up and looks round at
Serafima then lies back down.He snores and turns
over.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 75.

MASHA
Bastard.
She makes her hands into a single fist and hits
him in the heart . Semyon starts.

SEMYON
Hosanna! I’m flying, I’m flying...
MASHA
Argh! Wake up!

Masha slaps him round the face.

Semyon spins and staggers to Serafima, sees her.
SEMYON
I’m dead. I’m in hell!
SERAFIMA
It’s a miracle!
SEMYON
Get behind me Satan!
SERAFIMA
It’s me Semyon, your mother-in- law!
SEMYON
Dear Father, I suffered her down on Earth; don’t make
me suffer eternally ...
Masha hits and punches him as she speaks.
MASHA
Wake up, you idiot. You’re not dead; you’re drunk! You
stink of booze you pig!
SEMYON
Am I alive?

MASHA
I thought you were dead!
SEMYON
I’m alive?

She hits him again.

Mashenka, I’m alive!
Masha starts to cry. Semyon holds her. Serafima
wearily picks up the bucket.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 76.

SERAFIMA
Well. You can wash your own sainted self.
She starts back up the stairs.
SEMYON
I’m alive!
We hear sounds from Margarita and Alexander.
SERAFIMA
Appalling, sinful, damned!
Serafima goes into the bathroom.
SEMYON
I was drunk, so drunk, so very drunk. At midnight I
walked over the bridge,looked down into the darkness,
drank more. One thought crashed through me: ’find
Masha; get her back’. Run, run, run. Hit a tree.
Stars... Drink more. One arm hugs the tree the other
holds the gun at my head...but no it’s the bottle
so drink more ’til the stars burst and stream in
trails. Then I feel something metal--Uh--’what’s
this?’- and bang -
Margarita and Alexander finish.
MASHA
You missed.
SEMYON
I guess.
MASHA
Stupid man.
SEMYON
Can’t even kill myself.

MASHA
Stupid, useless /man.
(putting his hand up to his wound)
SEMYON
Masha! I’m wounded.
MASHA
You missed by a mile.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 77.

SEMYON
Aren’t you happy?
MASHA
Better luck next time, eh?

Pause. She blurts:

Am I really so awful to live with?
SEMYON
No, I am. It’s me. Masha, please--

MASHA
Oh Semyon.
OLEG
Heave! Heave! Over to you Stepan, over to you.
(Enter Stepan and Oleg with a coffin)
Does the deceased live here ?
SEMYON
What?

OLEG
The deceased?
STEPAN
Your way Oleg! Look out! Left-left-left--

SEMYON
Who are you?
OLEG
We’re from ’Eternity’.

MASHA
Excuse me?
STEPAN
’Eternity’.

OLEG
The funeral parlour?
SEMYON
Ohh.

STEPAN
Where do you want it?
Pause.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 78.

OLEG
Decide, Comrades-- it’s heavy. We carried it all the
way.
Pause. Semyon, Masha and Serafima are staring at
them in horror.
STEPAN
Look, I know it’s a shock when you first see it, but
take comfort from the fact that it’s the best we make.

OLEG
I’d get this one myself if I could afford it - and if I
was dead, obviously.
STEPAN
Aie, let’s put it here.

Stepan and Oleg put down the coffin, move the

wreaths and open the lid.
MASHA
’Your husband died a symbol’, they said.

SERAFIMA
’We’ll pay for everything’, they said.
MASHA
They’re even making me a hat. A real hat.

OLEG
Now. Where’s the incoming occupant?
SEMYON
I, don’t know what to tell you.
STEPAN
’The incoming occupant’. They make us say that, as if
obscure language makes losing your loved one any
easier. That’s ’Eternity’ for you: full of obscurity. I
say, why can’t we just say it like it is?
OLEG
The corpse. Where’s the lifeless, mouldering corpse of
(he consults a clipboard)
Semyon Semyonovich Podsekalnikov?

SEMYON
(raising his right hand)
Here!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 79.

OLEG
Where?
SERAFIMA
He’s not ready yet. He’s not...dressed.

She shoves Raisa’s package at Semyon. He quickly

puts on the gold epauletted jacket and smiles at
them. Oleg and Stepan find this odd.
STEPAN
We’re supposed to lift him in for you.
SEMYON
No thanks.
STEPAN
It’s part of the service.
MASHA
We’ll manage.
STEPAN
We’re meant to do it.
OLEG
It’s not easy. They don’t, you know... bend.
MASHA
We’ll manage, thank you.
OLEG
Righty then.
(He holds out a clipboard)
Sign for it, will you?
Semyon avoids it and Masha takes it.
And there for all the furbelows.

She signs again.Stepan regards the coffin.

STEPAN
Must have been a Party member or something big.
SEMYON
He was a nothing. Unemployed. One of the two million.
OLEG
Yeah, it’s hard to find a paying job. I’m an intern.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 80.

SEMYON
He dreamed of being an intern.
STEPAN
Well, it’s a top-class coffin,fit for a prince.I mean
a peoples...soviet...or something.
Pause. They stand expectantly. Lazzo of friendly
aliens trying to communicate.
SERAFIMA
Well, thank you... See you later.
OLEG
Soon! (he realizes)Oh-- I didn’t mean--
(He gestures death in the coffin)

SERAFIMA
No, I’ve a few years left!
They laugh. Pause

OLEG
I feel great compassion / for the deceased.
STEPAN
So do I.

SEMYON
Thank you.
Pause

{STEPAN { OLEG
The tip?
SEMYON
Ohhh! Masha--?

Masha searches her pockets and offers a tiny coin.

STEPAN
Thanks.
OLEG
We’ll go feed our families on this.
MASHA
Sorry!Good luck!
Stepan and Oleg leave. Serafima has picked up one
of the wreaths and reads the dedication.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 81.

SERAFIMA
’For my beloved Semyon. A thinker, a hero and an
unforgettable son-in-law.’ Unforgettable is right.
MASHA
It cost seven rubles. They’ve payed for everything!
They look at each other in horror.
SERAFIMA
They’ll be back any minute!

MASHA
You can explain...
Semyon becomes abject. Serafima rushes to the
window.

SERAFIMA
They’re coming up the street./You useless worm!
MASHA
We can explain. I’ll just tell them....

Masha struggles to find the words.

SEMYON
It’s not too late; I’ll kill myself.

MASHA
Better idea - I’ll kill you!
SERAFIMA
No need; they’ll kill him. Holy Virgin, pray for us!

Aristarkh, Yelpidy and Viktor enter. Masha and

Serafima turn to face them. Behind them, Semyon
panics. He jumps into the coffin and lies there,
as if dead.

MASHA
Gentlemen.Comrades.There’s been a terrible mistake. He
isn’t dead. There’s been a ... a drinking error. He’s
still alive.
Pause.

VICTOR
Poor woman...
ARISTARKH
The evidence, madam, is against you.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 82.

MASHA
We thought he was dead -- and-- and so did he,
actually! But as you can see -
Masha turns to see Semyon, corpse-like, in the
coffin.She tries to laugh.
ARISTARKH
She’s hysterical.
MASHA
Semyon! Get up out of there...
VICTOR
Her brain’s affected. Tragic!
YELPIDY
Another case for the asylum.
MASHA
Stop this Semyon. I’m telling you...
VIKTOR / YELPIDY
Stop it /Dear lady take hold...
MASHA
Semyon GET UP! Mother, tell them ! Get up you lump!
ARISTARKH
When my poor mother died...
VIKTOR
The Tragedy of the Deranged Domestic.
Alexander and Margarita appear on the landing.

MASHA
I’ve had it with your baloney. Get up or I’ll murder
you! I’m warning you-- Semyon!

She goes to shake him. Yelpidy and Aristarkh stop

her.
YELPIDY
Restrain her!

ARISTARKH
She’ll damage the corpse...Comrade! Help your
neighbour!
MASHA
Semyon!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 83.

ALEXANDER
(takes hold of Masha)
Face the truth, Masha.
MASHA
Make him get up! He’s making things worse!
YELPIDY
The man is dead, dead...
MASHA
Alexander Kalabushkin, Semyon is alive--
{MARGARITA
Oh no,no, you poor girl...
{ALEXANDER
He’s gone, Masha.
MASHA
--He was talking to me two minutes ago. Get up Semyon,
I hate you, I hate you!

YELPIDY
I suggest that the charitable fund /is no longer
applicable...
SERAFIMA
(taking the money from Yelpidy)
Will aid and support the survivors. Masha, go upstairs
with Margarita.
MASHA
What are you saying?

SERAFIMA
I’m saying he’s dead. Look at me (she winks) he’s dead.
MASHA
He’s not dead.

SERAFIMA
Oh, he’s dead. Dead!/Dead.
ALEXANDER
I carried him home. He was frozen to the touch.

ARISTARKH
We must move things along; we are expected at the
church.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 84.

MASHA
No!I won’t let you!
YELPIDY
Seclusion in a dark place. Restraints! Dominoes sank
tin ships in a dayo.

MARGARITA
Bring her up here.
ALEXANDER
Come on, Masha.
MASHA
Please, Alexander Kalabushkin, believe me-
ALEXANDER
Come on.
MASHA
Don’t touch me. Put me down. Help!
Alexander puts Masha over his shoulder. He carries
her up the stairs.
MASHA
Semyon Semyonovich Podsekalnikov, you coward, you
coward! Face the music for once in your life!

VIKTOR
Her grief is epic. Andromache, Cassandra...
MASHA
WAIT!-- he’s dead, I believe you! But don’t bury him.
I beg you, don’t bury him!

Semyon sits up in a panic. No one is looking at

the coffin; all their eyes are on Masha. She is
the only person who sees him. She breaks free;
Alexander smacks Masha and she falls.Serafima
cries out in alarm.

SERAFIMA
Masha!
MARGARITA
This isn’t whack-a-mole.
ALEXANDER
Sorry.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 85.

MARGARITA
Bring her up here. All men are fools.
Serafima follows Margarita upstairs into
Alexander’s room. Semyon hurriedly lies down.A
breath of relief.

YELPIDY
Doleo! Morsus doleo!
ARISTARKH
It’s really too bad our champion is not from a better
quality family.
VIKTOR
Yes, a People’s Commissar would have fitted the bill
much better. He’s so common and idiotic-looking, like a
rooster.
Viktor messes with Semyon’s collar and hair.
ARISTARKH
Precisely: what can one say was remarkable about
such an ugly fellow? Look at his nose.
VIKTOR
The old woman did a terrible job with his hair.
ARISTARKH
Perhaps we emphasize his masculinity to distract?
VIKTOR
Pad him out you mean? I have spare socks somewhere.
ARISTARKH
That would certainly help/ but--
YELPIDY
Just wrap him in a flag.
Yelpidy and Aristarkh drape a flag over Semyon
while Viktor takes a note. Alexander enters.
VIKTOR
You’re right, it’s not the death that matters, but the
cause of death.

Alexander has been observing from the stairs.

ALEXANDER
The martyr’s in the coffin, comrades; all I need is
your cash in my hand.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 86.

ARISTARKH
After the burial, everything after the burial.
ALEXANDER
We made a deal. The coffin doesn’t leave ’til you’re
paid up. Cash or kind?

Viktor and Aristarkh make eye contact and sigh.

VIKTOR
We do have time.

ARISTARKH
Follow us to my mother’s abode, and we will settle
accounts.
Aristarkh, Alexander,and Viktor leave. Semyon
opens his eyes.
SEMYON
Ugly, common and stupid. Three in one! But mild
compared to Serafima on a Sunday. It’s nothing new.

(Semyon picks up the gun.)

There’s nothing new under the sun. So here’s for
nothing:are you ready this time? ’Yes I’m ready’. On my
count? ’On your count’...
Lights fade as music from the funeral cortege
rises.
One...for a rooster. Two...for a worm. Three...better
luck next time.Four...a coward.Five...a real hat.
Six...I hate you Semyon...Seven...I hate you
Semyon...Eight...I hate you Semyon...

Melancholy music plays as lights fade. The scene

shifts around Semyon as he continues to count.
 87.

ACT FIVE
A graveyard on the outskirts of the
city.
In the darkness,Semyon’s voice: one thousand and
twentythree... I hate you Semyon...one thousand
and twentyfour...
Lights reveal a freshly dug grave,the flag draped
coffin and acamera behind which Alexander is
taking a photograph. Posing in a tableau are
Viktor,Raisa, Kleopatra, Aristarkh, Yelpidy.
Watching in another group are Serafima, Masha,
Margarita, Natasha, Grusha, Sonia, Oleg,Stepan and
band members.

VIKTOR
Everyone, say "Cheer", but don’t cheer.
RAISA
What?

VIKTOR
Say: "Cheer", but don’t cheer.
RAISA AND OTHERS
"Cheer"...

Alexander ignites the camera. All angle for a solo

photo.
ARISTARKH
He was philosopher and friend!

KLEOPATRA
I am his murderess!I confess it...
RAISA
He respected working women!

KLEOPATRA
Semyon Semyonovich wanted me body and soul and when I
said, ’No, my darling! We must serve the Revolution’,
he ended his life. I murdered him, cruel destiny, I!

VIKTOR
Destiny? Ha!
KLEOPATRA
Jealous!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 88.

VIKTOR
His death is a clarion call for the poetry of
cracks--the tradition and the future of Our Mother
Russia..

MASHA
Who are all these people?
KLEOPATRA
He died for me!

MASHA
You’re wrong.She’s wrong.
KLEOPATRA
Oh oh and you are --

MASHA
His wife.
KLEOPATRA
(nods,recognizing her)
Ah, his cook--

MASHA
His wife.
MARGARITA
She’s his wife.

KLEOPATRA
So what? Capitalist! Love knows neither bonds nor
boundaries-- he wanted me, me, me.
MASHA
Semyon, have you no shame?
RAISA
Opportunist! His dying words were "I pass the
flame...the women of Russia will never be defeated-- "!

YELPIDY
Our comrade died to reunite State and Church...
ARISTARKH
The intellectual for our age!

KLEOPATRA
Reactionaries! You’ll never know what it is to die for
love!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 89.

MASHA
No, but you will in a minute!
MARGARITA
Masha, you promised!

Margarita restrains Masha.

YELPIDY
I’m Spartacus Spanky, Amend. Time to close the coffin.

ALEXANDER
Masha?
MASHA
He’s yours. You took him, you dressed him up, now shove
him in the ground and God help you, Semyon.

She turns away. Alexander pauses over the coffin.

ALEXANDER
Forgive me brother.

Semyon embraces Alexander.

SEMYON
No, you forgive me.
Alexander screams. There is pandemonium.
Forgive me, comrades./All of you, forgive me!
{YELPIDY
Avaunt thee, Demon!
{KLEOPATRA
He lives! he lives!.
{ARISTARKH
GET BACK! GET BACK!
GRUSHA
Holy God.
NATASHA
Awkward!

SONIA
Eeeew!
SERAFIMA
Lie down or we’ll have to give the money back.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 90.

VIKTOR
You’re alive?
SEMYON
I’m alive. Sorry, but I’m alive!

MASHA
See? I told you.
ARISTARKH
But you killed yourself.

SEMYON
(shows the gun apologeticaly)
I tried to. I wanted to.
ARISTARKH
Fraud!
MASHA
He only missed by an inch.
MARGARITA
Alexander wept for you.
ALEXANDER
No, I had dust/in my eye...
KLEOPATRA
All my suffering for nothing.
SEMYON AND ALEXANDER
(to Kleopatra and Masha respectively)
Sorry.

VIKTOR
What will I do with my obituary?
SEMYON
Use it yourself,Comrade, when the time comes.

OLEG
We carried you here!
STEPAN
You heavy bastard...

ARISTARKH
I thought you were a hero and I find you are /a-
SEMYON
A worm. I’m a worm! Not food for worms!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 91.

KLEOPATRA
You’re a liar.
VIKTOR
A beast without reason.

RAISA
Judas.
ARISTRARKH
How can you live with yourself?

SEMYON
I just don’t want to die! Not for you, not for them,
not for clever men or Yegor’s masses, not for romance,
not for art and not for God. For heaven’s sake, why
would God want me dead? I lay in my coffin listening to
you, through my God-awful hang-over I saw the face of
death and I realized, comrades, that I am, deep in my
heart, madly, overwhelmingly in love. ’How I hunger’, I
thought, ’How I starve. Two whole days without a proper
meal!’ If I love anything in this world, it’s my
stomach!

MASHA
(wry)
Oh Semyon!
KLEOPATRA
Shoot him!
MASHA
Shoot her!
VIKTOR
Alive, you dig us a grave with your two hands.
ARISTARKH
You expose us to the rage and ridicule of all the land.

RAISA
You put us at risk!
YELPIDY
The burial needs a body! / Dominoes on a misery bus.

VIKTOR
There’s one bullet left.
MASHA
No!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 92.

STEPAN
Use it!
VOICES
Use it! Use it!/ Use it! Sho-ot!

Semyon picks up the gun;

SEMYON
I don’t want to live without you, Masha. But I could.

MASHA
I know. /I love you.
VOICES
Use it! Use it! Use it!

RAISA
Viktor will make you a symbol for eternity.
SEMYON
He could make me an astronaut for all I care, once I’m
in that coffin.

ARISTARKH
Recant Podsekalnikov!
VIKTOR
Shoot yourself!

SEMYON
You don’t mean it comrades;/ You’ll forgive me!
Semyon carefully puts down the gun.

A VOICE
Shoot him!
Voices yell in agreement. Semyon runs and everyone
but Alexander and Margarita pursue. The crowd
corner Semyon. Viktor raises the gun to shoot him,
then locks eyes with Aristarkh.
ARISTARKH
Should the funeral proceed as planned?

VOICES
Yes! Shoot him!
RAISA
Traitor to Women!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 93.

KLEOPATRA
To love!
VOICE
Traitor to the Revolution!

SEMYON
No Comrades -- I demand a final word!
(they agree)
I did NOT run away from the October Revolution.
Maybe I didn’t go out the house the entire month, but
I didn’t run away.
MASHA
It’s true!
SEMYON
When the Revolution asked, my right hand went up! When
it came to war, when it came to jobs, even when it
voted against me, my right hand stayed up. I stuck it
out, comrades, for years I stuck it out...
MASHA
It’s true!
SEMYON
And now I want to ask the Revolution, "what more d’you
want of me?" I never did a thing against our
Revolution.

NATASHA
You criticised the Kremlin.
SEMYON
I was drunk!

ARISTARKH
True, but consider that what might be proper
when expressed in a dead man’s obituary is nonetheless
improper when he shouts it over the telephone to the
Kremlin!
SEMYON
Then I’ll whisper it. What harm is a whisper? Even if
we’re alive and sober, can’t we whisper Comrades? We
want bread, we want jobs, we want a voice...because
when we say ’life is hard’, it gets easier.
OLEG
Life is hard/Comrade.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 94.

GRUSHA
More bread /would help.
NATASHA
More money/ would help.

YELPIDY
Vodka.
ARISTARKH
It is a crime to put Individual Wants before the good
of Society.
SEMYON
Oh, guilty,guilty! But Society, Comrade, what’s that? A
factory for slogans! When our government puts out signs
saying "for everyone, for everyone" I don’t even look
any more. I know it means for everyone but me. Once
upon a time I was a man,comrades, I was a cog in the
machine, but now!-- you’re looking at a spare part.
Hosanna! You can take your scientific construction of
society, your achievements, your world conquests,
Comrades. I’m not asking for much. Just a living wage
and a peaceful life in a hallway with Masha and her
mother, and those two; hell, even Yegor. I’ll live for
them, not die for you.
YELPIDY
You rob the kingdom of heaven for Earthly Delight.

SEMYON
What earthly delight? Life is hard! And about to get
harder because I’m going to pay your money back, every
kopek.

MASHA
We’ll work for you.
SEMYON
I’ll play the tuba for you. I’ll send my mother in law
down the salt mines.
SERAFIMA
You don’t scare me.
SEMYON
I’m not the hero to get your slogan factory going.
Forgive me.
Accepting defeat, Viktor lowers the gun.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 95.

KLEOPATRA
Viktor Viktorovich! You are magnificent in action.
VIKTOR
Kiki, you smell like Paris.

Kleopatra and Viktor embrace, reunited. Masha goes

to Semyon.
RAISA
Oh for...Get me a drink.

SEMYON
Masha--
MASHA
Baloney.

Masha and Semyon embrace.

MARGARITA
(to Alexander)
I’m feeling very sad.

ALEXANDER
The future holds some serious grieving.
(to everyone)
’To us has come our very own Semyon’--alive!

Grusha, Sonia and Natasha break out drinks.The

band find their instruments.Sonia picks up a
message from a musician and gives it to Oleg.
MARGARITA
Speech! Speech!

SEMYON
Human life is strange and curious, Comrades. How did we
get here? And what are we doing?

OLEG
Wasting a perfectly good coffin!
Off stage, a loud gun shot is heard.
STEPAN
Maybe not, comrade.
(A note flutters down from the sky.
Stepan opens it)
This just in from Eternity.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 96.

OLEG
A suicide! A real one this time?
STEPAN
It seems that Yegor-- that little post man?--he just
shot himself.

MASHA
No. /No!
STEPAN
Following your/ example.
SERAFIMA
Holy God, why?
SEMYON
Why?
NATASHA
From us has gone our very own Yegor.
The End.