THORNS ALL OVER THE STEM (SHS Trans Series #1)

CHAPTER 1

"I was considered as With high honor..." Nakangiti kong inilahad ang aking report
card kay Mommy. "Since I've got an average of 97 for today's semester."

Nang makuha'y umayos siya ng upo sa kanyang swivel chair. I saw how her brows
furrowed behind with those spectacles she's wearing. Napa-ayos na rin tuloy ako ng
upo sa kanyang harapan dahil sa mataman na pagtitig nito sa aking report card.

At first glance, you'll surely get intimidated with my mother's presence. With an aura
screaming of formality and authority. At ang itim na buhok niya na palaging naka-
french twist bun, samahan pa nang palagi niyang pagsusuot ng kanyang salamin. Tala-
gang mahihinuha mo agad na kagalang-galang subalit estriktang klase ng tao ang ak-
ing ina. Iyong tipong hindi nabibiro at naloloko.

Kaya kaming tatlong mga anak niya ay parang mga estudyante na rin kung umasta sa
kanyang harapan. Imagine, you should always seat straight and be attentive with all
the words you'll say. Ganun kami ka-disiplinado.

Malalim akong bumuntong hininga at inilibot na lamang ang paningin sa loob ng silid.
Minsan lamang akong magtungo rito. At ngayon ko lang din napuna ang mga bagay
na nakasabit at nakadisenyo sa buong silid na ito.

Trophies. Medals. Framed Certificates.

Halos punuin na ng mga iyon ang buong pader ng silid, same as with those cabinets in
the corner.

Nandirito ako ngayon sa opisina ni Mommy sa paaralan. She's the Dean of our school.
The respected Lucillia Hilda Vasquejo—a woman of pride and honor. That's my
mother.

Ang buong silid ay nagsu-sumigaw sa mga achievements na nakamit ni Mommy

gayun na rin ng paaralan. A very prestigious private school na halos hindi mo na
mabibilang ang mga karangalang naabot nito. And of course, it's because the school is
under the supervision of my mother.

When my prof handed our report cards, I immediately headed here in Mommy's of-
fice. Dahil tapos na rin naman ang klase namin at upang maipakita ko iyon sa kanya.

Napabalik ang tingin ko kay Mommy nang tumikhim siya. "With high honors?"
Mommy asked. I proudly nodded at her, smiling. "An average of 97? It's way too
small, Ressia." She said as she took off her eyeglasses.

Ow. The smile plastered in my lips immediately turned into a thin line. 97 is still not
enough. I thought it would be. I felt belittled with what Mommy said. The pride and
happiness I felt earlier suddenly faded away. I thought she would be proud of me. I
thought it would suffice her expectations to me. But for the nth time... hindi na naman
pala.

"Is there a Highest honor?" Mommy asked as she leaned over the table, crossing both
of her arms on top of it.

"Y-yes po," maingat kong saad.

She raised a brow. "At sino naman?"

"U-uhm... Si Paul po."

"The young Manzales..." Mommy mumbled. "What's his average?"

Napayuko ako. Alam ko na kung saan na naman ito patungo. "98... 98.4 to be exact,"
mahina kong saad.

It's not that I'm bitter because someone exceeded over me. Well, partly yes. Pero nan-
lulumo ako sa kadahilanang umasa ako, na sa wakas ay matutuwa na rin sa akin si
Mommy. But I was wrong. Again.

"And you look so proud with your 97 average? You're so proud being the High honor
when there is something much higher than that?!" She scoffed. I remained silent. This
is way too better rather than explaining myself. She heaved a deep sigh, tila nag-
pipigil.

"We'll talk this at home..." she handed my report card, nakayukong tinanggap ko iyon.
"For now, umuwi ka na lang muna dahil may bisita pa akong darating."

Kung kanina ay nakangiti akong pumarito. Ngayon ay malungkot akong tumayo up-
ang lisanan ang opisina ni Mommy.

"S-sorry po—"

"Save it later." She cut me off, purposely dismissing me as soon as possible. Tumango
na lamang ako at tumalikod at naglakad na patungong pintuan. I was about to open the
glass door when Mommy spoke.

"And Ressia... that grades are trash for me, might as well throw it." She said before
turning her attention to the pile of papers placed in her desk.

Nabigla man ay nagawa ko pa ring tumango sa kaniyang sinabi. She's Lucillia, her
words are rules to me.

I turned my back at tuluyan na ngang lumisan sa silid na iyon. I exited that room with
full of disappointments... to myself.

It's really hard to impress someone, huh? Lalo na kung kapamilya mo. Sometimes... I
would think that the world is just too cruel to me. To us... to those people who belong
in the third sex.

Being gay is not hard for me though. But to impress myself to my mother just to prove
to her that I am more than my gender, that's what really hard for me. It's arduous.

Bata pa lang, alam ko na sa sarili ko na salungat sa nararamdaman ko ang katawang

kinasasadlakan ko. I feel like a woman who has been trapped into a man's body. May
factor na rin siguro iyong katotohan na puro mga babae ang kasama ko sa bahay.
My father died when I was five because of Brain tumor. Kaya kaming mag-iina na
lamang ang naiwan sa bahay. Having two older sisters has a significant contribution
of me, being a gay. The norms and the influence, I guess?

I didn't come out. It was like a natural process na nakuha na lamang nina Mommy at
ng dalawa kong kapatid na contradicting sa nararamdaman ko ang sekswalidad na ip-
inagkaloob sa akin ng Maykapal.

And I'm grateful for that dahil hindi ko na naranasan pa ang mga dinaranas ng iba. Na
nagtatago. I can't imagine hiding my true self to my family. It's a complete torture.

Wala naman akong naririnig sa kanila ukol sa aking sekswalidad. It's not like I chose
to be this. God gave me this kind of perception. This kind of feeling. And of course,
this kind of preferences.

My two sisters embraced me for who I am. For what kind of path God decided for me
to navigate with. Tanggap din naman ako ni Mommy. But growing up, parang mas lu-
milinaw sa akin ang katotohanang mas lumalayo iyong loob niya sa akin. Iyong pres-
sure na palaging ibinibigay niya. Iyong mga demands, reprimandations and all.

Wala naman akong problema roon dahil ganoon din naman ang pagtrato niya sa mga
kapatid ko, pero I feel like mine is too much. Too overwhelming. And I know for a
fact that it has something to do with my SOGIE.

I stepped inside the elevator na siyang maghahatid sa akin pababa ng building na ito.
Mommy's office is located in the third floor of one of the buildings here in school.

I was about to press the number one button nang may nag-ambang papasok pa na
dalawang studyanteng lalaki. Tila napahinto sila sa may pasukan nang makita ako.

"Are you going in?" Medyo naiinip kong tanong nang mapansin na hindi pa sila
pumapasok. I tried not to sound rude but I guess I failed because they flinched a bit.
Tila natauhan naman sila at nagmadaling pumasok.

"H-hi Ressia." Nahihiyang bati ng isang lalaking tumabi sa akin. I just nodded. I just
can't smile after what happened in Mommy's office. That was just very... nevermind.
"Uh, first floor?" Tanong ulit ng lalaki, tila nag-aalangan na. I smiled a bit as I gave
him a nod. I just don't want others to think na mataray ako or something. That is not
good for Mommy's image. Ginagalang siya rito ng mga estudyante, so I should be
careful with how would I act because it might reflect to Mommy's reputation.

"Bad mood ata, 'tol. Olats ka!" I don't know if that was even a whisper since narinig
ko pa rin naman iyong pang-aasar na bulong ng isang lalaki sa kabilang gilid, iyong
kasama no'ng nagtanong sa akin. I wanted to correct him and tell to them
na 'hindi'. Pero I guess my mind is still obfuscated with disappointments and a little
bit amount of anger kaya pakiramdam ko, my aura and facial expression will be just
telling the opposite.

I swiftly glanced at them. Hula ko'y kapwa Grade 11 ko sila dahil kilala nila ako. As if
ang laking basis naman no'n, but judging from their heights and uniforms... Indeed,
they are.

Having Mommy as the Dean in our school made me known in this institution. Sama-
han pa nang pagiging consistent honor student ko, ay tila naging kilala ako rito sa
paaralan namin. And I don't like it because others tend to set standards and expecta-
tions to me which pressures me real hard. Nakakapagod.

Ibinaling ko na lamang ang tingin sa aking repleksyon sa metal na dingding ng eleva-

tor.

My eldest sister, Rhian Lezda Vasquejo—an international model, keeps on telling me

how lucky I am when it comes to my physical attributions. I somehow acknowledge
these, because at some point, I am being respected, identified and treated equally by
others, somehow.

God bestowed me this heart-shaped face. Our school let us live with what kind of
hairstyle we want, so I have this jaw-length black hair. It was actually Ate Rhian's
idea na huwag lang daw muna ako ngayon magpa-gupit. And being the observative
person I am, I somehow noticed I have these upturned and almond-shaped hazel
brown eyes. Ma-arko at makakapal na kilay. Mahahabang pilik-mata. Maliit subalit
matangos na ilong. These high cheekbones and pointed chin. I also have these pouty
rosy lips.
I'm petite, not because I'm doing workout or yoga, but because I don't eat that much.
Silly! My skin is white as paper na siyang nakuha ko kay Mommy. Well, lahat naman
kami sa pamilya ay mapuputi, so I guess it's genetics.

I couldn't be grateful enough of what God has given to me, especially with the family
I have and our status in life. But I know there's lacking... I just can't point it out. Or
maybe, I just don't want to.

Napatingin ako sa pintuan nang tumunog ito. Hudyat na nasa tamang palapag na ako.
Umayos ako ng tayo at nauna nang lumabas sa dalawang estudyanteng lalaki.

"Uhm, bye Ressia!" Pahabol na paalam ng kaninang lalaking bumati sa akin. Saglit
akong huminto at nilingon siya. I certainly don't know him so I refrained myself from
saying goodbye. And I think it would sound bland if ever sabihin ko 'yun. It's not a big
deal naman, but to at least return the generosity, nginitian ko na lang siya. Pagkatapos
no'n ay dumiretso na ako palabas ng building.

I stared at what I'm holding. All numbers start with nine. Sa sinabi ni Mommy kanina,
ngayon ko lang din na-realize that these grades are too low for her... And now, for me.
Isinilid ko iyon sa hawak kong brown envelope sa isang kamay at tinahak na ang daan
patungong labasan ng paaralan.

Habang tinatahak ang pasilyo, ay may nakita akong garbage bin sa may palikuan.

"Might as well throw it."

Basura. Iyon ang tingin ni Mommy sa 97 na average ko. At ngayon, iyon na rin ang
pananaw ko.

I stopped right in front of the bin. I was about to slid in my report card nang maalala
ko ang mga hard works na inilaan ko para makamit ito. Now all those hard works
were futile to make myself feel dignified and to satisfy Mommy's expectations to-
wards me.
Malalim akong bumuntong hininga. What a trash, Ressia! But instead of putting it in-
side, napagdesisyunan ko na lamang na iwanan iyon sa ibabaw ng basurahan. Throw-
ing my report card means throwing all the hard works I've exerted just to achieve this!

Maybe today was not the right time to make Mommy proud. Or is there really a right
time? Because as I recall, never in my existence she gave me a proud look. Not even
once.

Funny how I can make other people be proud of me. Pero sa sarili kong ina, hindi ko
magawang maipag-malaki ako. Sometimes I feel like I'm a trying hard one. Pero ano
pa nga ba ang magagawa ko kung hindi ang mag-try hard. Because if I'll stop right
here and now, ano na lang ang sasabihin sa akin ni Mommy? Bakla na nga ako, tapos
talunan pa ako sa studies ko?

This is one of the challenges that has been administered to us who belong in the third
sex. Dapat may mapatunayan ka. You can't live the same like the straight community
does. Because that's what the society labeled and designed us to be. Iyon ang ini-atas
sa amin ng sosyedad na ito!

But maybe I should try harder. Yeah, I must! If I want to go on, I must forget what
Mommy said, and still continue striving until she sees how I keep on trying so hard to
make her proud. To please her.

This is not new to me. I should be use to this. Forget. Move on. Go on. That has been
my cycle in life.

I was walking when suddenly; I heard a voice from my behind. Ako ba ang tinatawag
ng taong iyon? I stopped midway nang tila ako nga ang tinatawag ng taong iyon!

"Hey! Is this yours?" Ulit no'ng boses ng lalaki.

My brows met up as I slightly turned my back to confirm if it's me who's the man's
calling with. Napalinga-linga pa ako sa paligid dahil baka hindi ako ang tinatanong ng
lalaking ito.

"Sa'yo 'to?" The guy forwarded as he raised his right hand, holding an envelope.
Ngayon ay nakumpirma kong ako nga ang kinakausap ng lalaking ito, dahil bukod sa
kaming dalawa lang naman ang nandirito sa hallway, hawak niya rin ang brown enve-
lope na panigurado ako ay sa akin.

Tuluyan na akong humarap sa kaniya at natanaw na wala na nga sa ibabaw ng basura-

han ang iniwan kong envelope kanina lamang. I turned back my gaze to the man
who's a few meters away from me. It was a guy wearing a white long-sleeves rolled
up to his forearm. On his bottom is a black pants paired with a black shoes.

At first glance, I would assume he's one of the Professors here in school. Pero ngayon
ko pa lang naman siya nakita rito sa eskwelahan. And he looked so young to become
one. Early twenties, I guess?

Mabait na nakangiti itong lumapit sa akin. Marahan akong napasinghap nang masi-
layan na ngayon nang mas malapitan ang kanyang mukha. He seems so chivalrous...
Wait, what?

"Is this your report card?" He asked, waving the envelope. I don't know but suddenly,
bitterness immediately crept inside of me again, so I decided to just shrugged my
shoulders, acting like I know nothing.

"It's not mine." Sabi ko, pagkatapos ay tinalikuran siya kaagad. Nakaka-isang hakbang
pa lang ako nang muli siyang magsalita.

"Ressia... Ressia Avi Vasquejo?" Pagpaparinig niyang pagbasa. Muli akong napa-
harap sa kaniya. Naabutan kong kinuha na niya ngayon ang laman ng envelope at
tinitingnan ito. "How are you related to Ma'am Vas—"

"Will you please stop that?" Putol ko sa kanya. I tried to asked that nicely but it
sounded the opposite. He faced me innocently. "'Tsaka ibalik mo na lang iyan kung
saan mo nakuha... pakialamero." I whispered my last word.

I don't know why the bitterness was slowly turning into anger. Maybe it's the fact that
I tried so hard to shrug and forget the happenings earlier, but this guy here is just
bringing me back all those miserable feelings!
Nagtataka na niya akong tiningnan ngayon. "Hey, this is a report card. Papanong
basta-basta mo na lang na itatapon ito? Importante ito sa'yo." Paglalapit pa niya ng en-
velope sa akin.

"And what makes you so sure na ako iyang Ressia Avi Vasquejo na sinasabi mo?" I
raised my brows at him. He just looked at me as if I told him a joke.

"Well, maliban sa tayong dalawa lang naman ang nandirito..." iginala niya ang
kanyang paningin sa paligid. "Ressia Avi Vasquejo rin ang nakapangalan sa I.D. na
suot mo, oh." He said, pointing my chest. Sinundan ko ng tingin ang kanyang tinuturo
at mabilis na tinakpan gamit ang isa kong kamay ang aking I.D.

I sighed, tired of pretending. "Fine. But I think it's still none of your business. Kaya
kung maaari lang, pakibalik na lang sa basurahan iyan."

"But this is important to you, kid."

"It means nothing. 'Tsaka alam mo, napakalaki mong tao, napaka pakialamero mo." I
spat. I didn't mean to insult him, but it was just so true that I can't stop my mouth from
saying such words. And now that I mentioned that. Ngayon ko lang din natanto kung
gaano siya katangkad. Hula ko'y six-footer. Hanggang dibdib niya lang kasi ako.

"I'm not pakialamero," he tried to mimicked. "It just happened that I know how much
this document means to every student." He said in a baritone voice.

His voice was very contradicting on how light his aura is. He seems nice though, at
hindi pa rin nawawala iyong ngiti niya sa kanyang mga labi. But for some reasons, it
irks me. Nakaka-inis siyang tingnan! Maybe it's the fact na irritated pa rin ako sa ak-
ing sarili, o dahil na rin sa pakikialam niya. Maybe the latter... or both? I don't know!

"But that document means nothing to me now." I said sternly. "Thank you for your
concern though."

"What?! For sure your parents will be proud if—"

"Please... don't mention that." I cut him off, offended of what he said.
"Hey, your grades are high. Your Mom will be proud if—"

"Really? Proud?" I asked sarcastically. As if he knows who my mother is. "I hope
so..."

Though I felt a pang of pain with the words I uttered, anger started to heat up inside of
my head dahil na rin sa pag-open up ng lalaking ito sa usaping iyon.

Great! He just hit the right spot. Pero sa halip na makipag-diskusyon pa, pinili ko na
lamang ang talikuran siya. Nagtitimpi. Sick with the same issue.

Still, I told to myself that it's fine. Easy for him to say because he doesn't know the is-
sue.

Nakaka-isang hakbang pa lang ako ay muli akong napabalik dahil sa paghawak ng

lalaking ito sa aking palapulsuhan. "Wait, kid—"

And right there, I felt my blood goes up!

"Let go of me!" Anas ko at sinubukang bawiin ang aking kamay, subalit hindi niya
iyon binitiwan.

Argh! Now I'm ready to burst out all of my hatred! Why can't people understand me?
Is sensitivity not part of their vocabulary? "Ano bang problema mo?!"

"I don't have a problem. Gusto ko lang—" naputol ang sasabihin niya nang may
magsalita sa kanyang likuran.

"Ressia?" Tiningnan ko iyon. It was the two guys na nakasabayan ko kanina sa eleva-
tor!

Gulat man sa biglaang pagsulpot nila ay agad na may lumitaw na ideya sa aking isi-
pan. Well, well...

"Ouch!" I acted. "Please, help me! This guy here is harassing me!"
Rude it is, I couldn't care less!

Gulat na napatingin ang dalawang kapwa ko estudyante sa lalaking hawak-hawak pa

rin ang aking palapulsuhan. My wrist is slightly rose up dahil nga kumakawala ako
kanina sa hawak niya, it really seems like he's harassing me or some sort of. My god!

"W-wait... I'm gonna call a guard!" Saad ng isa sa kanila at mabilis na tumakbo
papuntang Guard house ata. Sumunod din iyong kasama niya, not even saying any-
thing.

Really? Talagang iniwan pa nila akong dalawa para lang manghingi ng tulong? And
they even look scared!

"Teka lang! Hindi ko—"

Hindi na natuloy ang sasabihin ng lalaking ito na nasa harapan ko nang marahas kong
binawi ang aking kamay nang maramdaman kong lumuwag ang kanyang hawak. I
held my wrist, hindi naman gano'n kahigpit ang paghawak niya, but I can see na me-
dyo namula iyong palapulsuhan ko.

"Kid, you should stop them." He sounds calm but his action is saying the opposite.
Palipat-lipat ang kanyang tingin sa akin at sa direksyon ng dalawang estudyanteng tu-
makbo kanina.

"What?" Kunwari'y gulat kong tanong. "You held my wrist and I don't even know
you. It's a form of harassment since I reprimanded you not to do so."

"Harassment?" Naka-awang ang labi na tanong niya. I shrugged.

"Well, sort of... Besides, diba sabi mo kanina wala kang problema?" I drawled sarcas-
tically and smiled at him which made his brows furrowed. "Now you have one."