The MACALESTER
HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 25, Issue 2
Fall 2022
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Head Of Production
Zoe Roos Scheuerman ‘24 Rene’e Gonzales ‘24
Dan Bially Levy ‘24
STAFF
Anina Peersen ‘23 Emma Malcolm ‘23 Morgan Niven ‘24
Ross Kogel ‘24 Corgan Archuleta ‘24 Taylor Sibthorp ‘24
Rory Donaghy ‘24 Talia Ostacher ‘25 Daniela Martinez ‘25
Hans Haenicke ‘25 Audrey Lester ‘26 Georgia Richter ‘26
Eva Sturm ‘26 Paul McGinn ‘26 Coat Rack ‘99
SHOUT OUTS
Philosophy Department for kicking us out of CC 206
Philosophy Department for giving us their leftover snacks
The mock weekly for coming to us for satire advice
Whoever made the funny ceramic guy (so beautiful…)
Germany for stealing zoe from us next semester
the Snow for making people not from the midwest happy
Harold who is also georgia’s boss (as well as morgan’s)
Japanese Language Department for teaching rene’e the word “Milk”
Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11
characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely satirical.
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle
email: [email protected]
TALKING TO PROFESSORS:
TIPS FROM THE HEGE*
GREE
ICLE, YOU A
Y R EA D IN G THIS ART C LE IS N O T
*B H EGEMONO
TH A T T H E PH YS IC A L
MENTAL OR
LIABLE FOR USED BY THESE TIPS
DISTRESS CA
Penetrate your
professor’s inner
circle by
approaching Make a good first
their elementary impression - stick out
school-aged your hand and
children first. announce, "I would like
to make a bond with
you."
Professors
often don’t
give their
real names to
students they
don’t trust.
Keep Intimacy coordinators
repeating, are available if you’re
"Ok, what’s having difficulty bonding
your real with your professor.
name?"
Frustrated with your professor’s power
plays? Just wait until they have to serve you
at midnight breakfast. That’s right, scoop
those fucking cheesy eggs.
Are YOU Smarter
than 99.99% of
the World?
Perserverance Calendar
Jewelry Restaurant
Protester Amatuer
Supercede Bizarre
Seperate Apparantly
Questionnaire Collegue
Accomodation Millennium
Arguement Sacrafice
Occurred Vacuum See how
Disappear Embarass you did
on the
back!
Perserverance Calendar Calender
Jewelry jEWELLRY Restaurant Resturant
Protester pROTESTOR Amatuer
Supercede Bizarre Bizzare
Seperate Apparantly
Questionnaire qUESTIONAIRE Collegue
Accomodation Millennium Millenium
Arguement Sacrafice
Occurred oCCURED Vacuum Vaccum
Disappear DissapeAR Embarass
Did you Know: Spelling is indicative of overall
intelligence. Studies show that Scoring well on this
test demonstrates above average critical thinking
skills, deductive reasoning, and leadership potential
(citation needed). Great minds of our generation like
ELon Musk are part of the elite .01% to correctly
identify more than half the misspelled words.
Sponsored By Twitter
5 TIPS FOR
SUCCESSFUL
COLLEGE
LIVING
TURN EVERY MAKE TIME FOR
MOMENT INTO SELF-CARE
A LEARNING The Hamre Center has a sect of
EXPERIENCE really fringe “holistic health
experts” if that’s your thing.
See that toilet pipe that
just exploded sewer water
all over your bedroom
floor? It’s an integral. Find
the derivative of it. Now. ROLL WITH THE
PUNCHES
DEESCALATE If you’re having
trouble getting the
CONFLICTS other members to do
Roommate issues? Why their job in a group
get your RA involved project, show them
when you can have a by just taking the L
good old-fashioned and turning in a
duel? blank project.
WHEN EVERYTHING GOES
TO SHIT, JUST REMEMBER:
It's not your dream, it's your dad's dream.
Rare Aesthetics:
CommunismCore
Len
in
xT
rot
sk
y
Macalester Professor Tramp Stamps
By: Audrey Lester
“Feminist”
Dr. Lewe got this tramp stamp to profess his allyship to women worldwide, but it’s really only
served to get him in trouble. While on his lecture circuit about the effects of climate change, a
question he was frequently asked was its specific effects on women. Every time, he’d answer with
“[w]ell, I think we all know my views on women…*pulls pants down and bends over in front of an
entire fucking lecture hall.*” It never once landed. However, it was never disastrous enough for
Lewe to be escorted out of the room; he would simply have to suffer a pregnant silence while
standing in front of hundreds of audience members who would just slowly trickle out of the
auditorium. Lewe has also decided to try his luck when taking pictures with various “strong,
independent, powerful” women (rich women with memoirs). Hillary Clinton, Oprah, Queen
Elizabeth’s corpse, and that one mom on TLC that had sextuplets were all repulsed when Lewe
turned around and bent down during their meet-and-greets. (It is also worth mentioning that it is
not clear why Lewe is so loyal to the turn around and bend down maneuver; it would be so easy to
simply lift his shirt to show his stamp.) However, Wendy Williams was reportedly ecstatic to see
this tattoo, although Lewe later found out that she thought “feminist” meant someone who
rejected modern medicine.
“Safe space”
Although it is always good to make sure that your sexual partners feel safe, the arrow
pointing down to Dr. Korke’s anus makes this tramp stamp just really, really weird.
“ ””
In a classic instance of white people getting tattoos in languages that they don’t know,
this tattoo actually didn’t start as a tramp stamp; it was on Dr. Kissinger’s left breast. She
told everyone in a 90-mile radius of her that it meant “eternal life,” but in reality, it just
means fucking “milk.” Those literate in Japanese suggested that she get it tattooed on
the other breast, to not show bias to one breast when both breasts are equally capable
of milk production. Kissinger got her third “ ” when she realized that the
tattoo was actually quite the aphrodisiac (people who could read Japanese and had
breastfeeding kinks adored Kissinger’s duo of “milk” tattoos on her milkers), so she of
course decided to get “ ” tattooed in the sexiest spot on the body: right
smack dab in the tramp stamp spot.
"8.21.97"
Many people wonder if this was Dr. Vorge’s wedding day, the birthday of her child, or
perhaps the day that a close loved one passed on (all of which are still very, very weird
things to get a tramp stamp for). In reality, it’s simply to remember the day that she got
the tramp stamp.
"38M"
Dr. Kore, an avid Omegle user, had difficulty with the transition from chat-based to
camera-based Omegle. For the normal people that can, unlike Dr. Kore, have social
interaction outside of a creepy site almost exclusively populated by predators, it is
commonplace in Omegle chats to declare your age and gender (F for women and M for
men), so pathetic 38-year-old men like Dr. Kore type 38M roughly 300 times a day. When
Dr. Kore’s therapist recommended that he switch to Omegle’s video chats for a more
humanoid form of interaction, Kore wondered how people would know that he was a 38-
year-old man. (Kore very much had the face of a 38-year-old man.) So, as any rational
actor would do, Kore tramped “38M” onto his lower back, and would sit with his back
facing the camera for hours on end. It was very practical; very few people wanted to
chat with a 38-year-old, so they knew to skip Dr. Kore the minute his gleaming tramp
stamp showed up on the screen. Dr. Kore did get quite a few people asking if he was a
plumber, to which he replied that he is a professor at the esteemed college known as
Macalester. At first, Dr. Kore considered it an excellent investment, but he’s 42 now, so it
really only worked for like seven months.
“Property of Mac the Scot”
Whenever any of Dr. Aberman’s partners ask “whose pussy is this?” Aberman simply
tells the dumbass “Well, per my tramp stamp…”
“Mama’s Boy”
In the late 1980s, Dr. Smiterson greatly mistook a “Daddy’s Girl” tramp stamp that he
saw as an ode to the owner’s father, and immediately permanently inked his version into
his skin. One might think that the increase in people referring to their sexual partners as
“mommy” in recent years might make Smiterson’s ink slightly less repulsive, however,
Smiterson shows no interest in making it sexual and his mother remains the only woman
to have ever seen this tattoo. I suppose the bright side is that Mrs. Smiterson reportedly
liked it, since in every Mother’s Day photo, while she and her other children smiled, Dr.
Smiterson would turn around and bend over so that his beloved tramp stamp could be
immortalized by the camera. Unfortunately, the attendees of Mrs. Smiterson’s funeral a
few years ago were reportedly less receptive to Dr. Smiterson’s act of homage. After Dr.
Smiterson’s brother showed his touching tattoo for his mother (his mother’s signature
tattooed on his wrist) to the funeral guests, Dr. Smiterson followed by standing in front
of his mother’s casket and pulling his pants down to declare himself a mama’s boy one
last time. He was not invited to the interment ceremony.
“Tramp”
Dr. Aines calls it as they see it.
17-0
