“Lavender

and Cavaiola have produced a workbook that guides the

reader in self-exploration and suggests ways to maintain positive self-
esteem when in relationships with difficult people. The authors present
easy-to-understand definitions, descriptions, and activities focused on
essentials that help the reader.”
—Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC, NCC, FAGPA, professor
and eminent scholar at Old Dominion University in
Norfolk, VA “This practical and perceptive workbook
does more than just educate readers—it will help them
transform their relationships.”

—Randi Kreger, coauthor of Stop Walking on Eggshells and

The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
We dedicate this book to our wives, a couple of wonderful Irish gals: To Carolann, for all your
love, support, and encouragement.

To Maureen. You are the joy in my life! Thank you for all the ways you love me.

We also dedicate this book to all those who struggle daily in one-way relationships. It’s never
too late to make changes. May you find peace, serenity, and wholeness in all of your
relationships.
 Acknowledgments
We would like to acknowledge all of our mentors at New Harbinger who have
made this workbook possible. We are especially grateful to Jess O’Brien for his
patience and support throughout this project and to Jess Beebe for her editorial
expertise. You both helped us to communicate clearly and concisely. And a
special thanks to Brady Kahn; your suggestions were spot-on. We appreciate all
the work you put into this project. We also want to thank the entire New
Harbinger staff. You’ve been wonderful to work with.
Also, to those psychologists and researchers who continue to shed light on
the evolving topic of personality disorders, we hope and pray that your work will
continue to bring healing to those who suffer in loneliness due to lack of
knowledge.
We would like to thank our families for their support, especially our lovely
wives and golf buddies and our kids, Stephen, Maura, Matthew, Alison, Jay, and
Christopher. We are also grateful to our grandchildren for providing comic relief
and playtime breaks (when we probably should have been writing or revising).
Thank you Tobin, Sophia, and Baby Liam. And Isabelle, Riley, Max, Gavin, and
Justin—you guys rock!
 Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION

PART 1: UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM AND NARCISSISTIC

PERSONALITY DISORDER

1. THE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY

2. ARE YOU DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST?
3. NARCISSISM IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND IN THE
WORKPLACE
4. HOW THE NARCISSIST AFFECTS YOU

PART 2: PRACTICAL STRATEGIES

5. UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU CAN AND CANNOT CHANGE

6. SETTING LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES
7. ESTABLISHING BETTER COMMUNICATION
8. STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING NARCISSISTS IN FRIENDSHIP,
LOVE, AND FAMILY LIFE
9. STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING NARCISSISTS IN THE
WORKPLACE
RESOURCES
REFERENCES
 Introduction
From the time each of us is a toddler, we are taught that other people’s feelings
matter, sometimes more than our own. Admonitions such as “You need to
share,” “You hurt your best friend’s feelings,” or, more recently, “It’s not all
about you” are heard by children around the world. It seems that the very act of
child rearing is about instructing a child not to be so self-centered and to
consider the feelings and needs of those around him. And let’s face it: In this life
we need others. A lot. Learning to be considerate of others is a prerequisite for a
happy and fulfilling life because, after all, we are social creatures designed to
live and work with, as well as love, those around us. At the very least, we share a
planet together and need to consider the needs of others if we are to survive.
Yet in spite of millions and millions of parents and teachers instructing their
children that other people matter—and matter a lot—there are those among us
who are incredibly self-centered. They go by different names: Self-absorbed.
Pompous. Egocentric. Grandiose. Narcissistic. Expansive and pretentious.
Thoughtless and insensitive. Inconsiderate and snobbish. These are only some of
the words used to describe people who only care about themselves. These are the
people for whom the system just didn’t seem to work: selfish little toddlers who,
now grown up, never learned that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Worse yet, they really do believe they are special and better than everyone
else. Most likely, they will try to set you straight and educate you as to who they
really are: they are special, different from everyone else. Indeed, because of this
specialness, which makes them better than anyone else, they deserve special
treatment. If you are a waitress, they will make sure that you wait only on them
to the detriment of all your other customers. If you are their coworker, the no-
smoking rule does not apply to them, they will insist, while lighting up and
blowing smoke in your face. Such rules were made for others, the mindless
sheep who do as they’re told. And don’t make the mistake of trying to change or
correct them—how dare you—by insisting that they be more considerate. They
will only try to convince you that the average person is incapable of
understanding their brilliance and sheer genius.
Truly, these are an exquisitely self-absorbed and conceited group of people.
Psychologists describe them as narcissistic, a term that comes from the ancient
Greek story of Narcissus, a god so self-centered that he actually fell in love with
his own reflection. Narcissism is abnormal and dysfunctional, and it may not
surprise you to know that someone who exhibits narcissistic traits may have a
real and serious psychological disorder known as narcissistic personality
disorder (NPD).
The general public has become more familiar with personality disorders like
NPD as the number of people with such problems has skyrocketed. Indeed,
many experts believe that NPD is reaching pandemic proportions in this country.
Why? Perhaps it is the 50 percent divorce rate that leaves children desperately
seeking attention and admiration to compensate for feelings of rejection and
neglect. Or it is parents all too willing to indulge their kids, assuaging their own
guilt by buying them anything they want to atone for their sins of being too busy
to spend time with them or to compensate for the divorce. Or perhaps it is the
fact that families in the United States are smaller than those around the world
and therefore children can demand more. Maybe it is the fact that television
promotes an “idols” wannabe mentality—“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all those
people were cheering for me?”—followed by a chaser of nonstop advertising
promising instant-celebrity status if you only purchase these colognes, jeans, or
sneakers.
 Defining Personality Disorders
Personality disorders are different from other types of psychological disorders.
Here, people are not hallucinating, delusional, having panic attacks, or babbling
incoherently. They usually do not look or feel mentally ill at all. In fact, they
may be the embodiment of what you might call normal: the most popular girl in
the class, the teacher everyone adores, or that politician who was going to turn
around this economy. But they’re not normal.
Personality disorders are a unique group of psychological disorders wherein
those afflicted are missing an important part of their personality, such as a
conscience or the ability to empathize with others. The rest of their personality
appears to be intact, so people with personality disorders may look and act
incredibly normal—so normal that it sometimes takes friends and coworkers,
even spouses, years to recognize something is wrong. Complicating the
diagnosis is the sobering reality that people with personality disorders don’t
know there is anything wrong with them; they usually blame their problems on
others. Although we have seen hundreds of patients in our combined careers and
probably hundreds with personality disorders, neither one of us can recall even
one person who ever made an appointment to treat his personality disorder.
Clients with personality disorders may realize that they have problems in their
marriage, with alcoholism, or with another disorder (which may be
superimposed on a personality disorder), but not one of our clients has ever
recognized his underlying personality disorder. That makes it all the more
difficult to deal with.
There are somewhere around eleven to fifteen different types of personality
disorders; the number changes according to which expert you are talking to.
While each of these disorders is unique, a primary symptom that they all share is
the inability to have good interpersonal relationships.
If, among difficult people, those with personality disorders stand out from
the crowd, then those people with narcissistic personality disorder stand out even
more.
 A Growing Trend
As psychologists, we have seen and treated people with strong narcissistic traits,
people with full-blown NPD, and people with other personality disorders, for
years, but it wasn’t always that way. Whereas earlier in our careers we tended to
treat clients with anxiety disorders and various types of depression, more
recently we began seeing more and more clients who were having significant
problems in their relationships.
Not that relationship issues are anything new. We learned all about
relationship issues in graduate school and were subsequently trained in various
types of relationship counseling. But what we began seeing in our practices was
worlds apart from Mr. and Mrs. Jones learning to adjust to their differences as a
married couple or Mr. Smith not getting along with his boss. It seemed that in a
growing number of cases, our patients were either narcissistic themselves or they
were somehow involved with narcissists: people who were highly toxic and who
were causing significant and deep disturbances in the lives of those around them.
We do not use this word “toxic” lightly. These are not simply people who are
annoying or a nuisance or just plain-vanilla a pain in the neck. We are referring
to people with significant disturbances in the very structure of their
personalities,particularly in their ability to relate to others. Indeed, their
disturbances in this area may be so powerful that they can actually precipitate
problems in the personalities of others.Some therapists refer to such people as
“crazy makers” because of their special ability to drive others to the brink of
insanity.
Our interest in what we observed led us to conduct a research study and
eventually to write a book about toxic coworkers. We surveyed over a thousand
people who were working in various occupations and industries, including men
and women of different ages who had been on the job for a long time, as well as
those who’d been working in their jobs only briefly. And guess what? We found
out that it wasn’t just our patients who were having problems with others. About
80 percent of the people we surveyed identified as the major source of stress in
their job an individual with whom they were having significant and unsettling
“issues.” For many, it was the number one source of stress in their lives.
These toxic relationships were enormously disturbing. It seemed that each
person’s tale of woe was worse than the previous one. And the stories we heard!
“Oh, you guys are interested in toxic coworkers? Well, I worked with this guy
who drove me absolutely crazy. He was always talking about how great he was.
If you did something, he would always be the one who did it better. I would stay
up all night talking about him and talking about him and talking about him. It
drove my wife crazy. ‘You just gotta let it go,’ she would say. He really got
under my skin. I actually had nightmares about him. He practically destroyed
me.”
These “crazy makers” seemed to consume most of the time, energy, and
resources of those surveyed. They were all some people could talk about, even
after the research was over. In one instance, we were scheduled to appear on a
syndicated radio talk show to talk about different types of toxic coworkers. The
producer told us before we went on that the show’s host had enjoyed our book in
large part because she had been involved with a toxic person and that our book
had helped her enormously. The producer further admonished us not to bring up
this topic on the show, for it might be embarrassing for the host. Naturally we
agreed. But then the host went on to talk for the entire hour about how the
narcissist in question had practically ruined her life! We listened as she vented
her anger. And that was the entire show. We never even got to speak.
Obviously, we were not the only psychologists who were treating people
with relationship issues. As all of this was going on in our professional lives, the
whole field of psychology was evolving from the study of what goes on inside of
people—issues such as anxiety or depression—to what goes on between people.
Researchers and theoreticians alike were becoming more and more convinced
that it is quite possible, for example, for a person to function in a normal manner
in all other areas of her life but to have severe deficits in her ability to relate to
others. It is surprisingly possible, that is, for someone to be the CEO of a major
corporation, making millions of dollars a year, to be the coach of the local
football team, and to give thousands of dollars to charity, and to also have a
disorder that causes him to function like a three-year-old in his relationships. Not
only is it possible, but you see these people all around you. You watch these
people regularly on the nightly news. Sometimes they steal millions of dollars
from investors. Sometimes they are movie stars who get arrested for beating up
their spouses. Sometimes it’s the Hollywood couple on their seventeenth
divorce. But it is worse yet when you realize that the problem is with your own
spouse, child, coworker, or friend.
So somewhere around 1998, we decided to write a book that would address a
variety of personality disorders in the workplace. Entitled Toxic Coworkers
(Cavaiola and Lavender 2000), the book instantly struck a chord with readers.
We later conducted seminars across the country for businesses and organizations
that had become more interested in identifying and managing this difficult set of
people. And without exception, the personality disorder about which they wished
to know more than any other was narcissistic personality disorder. People around
the world experienced a collective “aha!” experience as they recognized that the
secretary who had just taken her nineteenth personal day off, as well as the top
salesman who everyone was tired of paying homage to, actually had a bona fide
psychological disorder and would most likely never change.
But we realized that narcissistic people are not limited to the workplace.
They can be found most anywhere: They may be your mother or sister, father or
brother, spouse or child. They may be your coworker, friend, teammate, or
teacher. Therefore, we decided to write this book for anyone who is involved
with a self-centered narcissistic person, whether that person is your coworker,
friend, lover, or family member.
 How This Book Can Help You
You might ask, why didn’t we choose to write a book that would help people
who have narcissistic personality disorder? The short answer is that it wouldn’t
sell. One of the key symptoms of this disorder is that people are unaware that
they have it. Actually, if you were to tell someone that she had narcissistic
personality disorder, she would most likely answer, “Well, I am special. I am
uniquely gifted and talented. I am far too complex for the average psychologist
to understand. That doesn’t make it a disorder, does it?” In fact, while we have
never had anyone ask us to be treated for narcissism, our practices are filled with
people whom the self-centered have wounded in some way.
So, is this book for you?
It is our firm belief that having regular contact with a self-absorbed, self-
centered, narcissistic person, who cares little about you and who uses you for his
own self-inflation, is one of the hardest things you can experience in life. It can
sap you of your energy, keep you up at night, break up your family, destroy a
friendship, or make for a dysfunctional workplace. Unbeknownst to many people
who are involved in difficult relationships is the fact that they are tangling with
someone who has strong narcissistic traits or even narcissistic personality
disorder. Note: Throughout this book we use the word “narcissism” or
“narcissist” to describe people who exhibit strong narcissistic traits, even if they
are not diagnosable with NPD. This book is designed to help you if you are
involved with someone who meets this description.
If you purchased this book, it is most likely that you are involved in a one-
way relationship. Perhaps you are tired of playing second fiddle to your spouse,
with his constant demands for you to put his needs first, support his wild and
grandiose pipe dreams, and make him look good in front of others. Perhaps you
work for a narcissist and you have become sick and tired of her lack of
responsiveness to your requests and her insistence that you do things outside the
scope of your job description. Perhaps it is your coworker who continuously
steals your ideas, basking in the glory that should have been yours, and then has
the nerve to tell you that you need to work harder.Perhaps you have a narcissistic
friend who must be in the limelight constantly, who never gives you credit for
anything that goes well in your life, and who constantly brags about all of his
accomplishments, especially when holding court in the company of others.
Perhaps you’re involved with a sibling who sucks your family’s resources dry as
she demands constant and exclusive attention to whatever cause of the day she
happens to be championing. Maybe it’s a parent who was so self-absorbed that
you never received the nurturing that you needed as you were growing up.
If any of these situations sounds familiar, you are in the right place.
 How to Use This Book
We wanted to make a workbook that would not only inform our readers but also
transform their relationships. So we designed this book with that purpose always
in the forefront. This format is carefully designed to take you step-by-step
through the labyrinth of dysfunctional narcissistic relationship patterns until they
are finally changed.
We have structured this book in the following manner: In part 1, we talk
about the various signs and symptoms of narcissism. Here we discuss a spectrum
of self-centeredness ranging from moderate self-absorption all the way to full-
blown narcissistic personality disorder. While no two narcissists are the same,
they do share common characteristics, and we describe each symptom, one by
one. Perhaps more importantly, we talk about how these symptoms can affect
you and can actually get you to feel, think, and behave differently than you do
around others. Knowing the symptoms of NPD helps you to recognize them and
to manage more effectively when you are with the narcissist. It will also validate
many of the feelings you have had about your narcissistic relationship, things
you might have felt weren’t quite right but were not really sure of. As you
examine the vast array of highly disturbing feelings these self-absorbed
individuals can bring out in you, you will understand better why this relationship
has been so difficult for you.Part 1 also covers different narcissistic subtypes,
for, yes, narcissistic people come in many forms and some of them initially don’t
seem narcissistic it all. We want to make you aware of all these types, so they
don’t fly under your radar.
Part 2 gives you practical strategies for managing the unique narcissist in
your life and making your situation a lot healthier. Let’s face it: The narcissist is
a formidable adversary indeed, and if you are involved with one, you have struck
the mother lode of dysfunction. Better to be prepared! You need to be equipped
with special skills to deal with the narcissist. Part 2 gives you plenty of practice
in applying what you learn from this book, and the exercises should more than
adequately prepare you to effectively manage the narcissist’s unrelenting
selfishness.
Be aware that some of these exercises can become challenging. Going
beyond just preparing you to cope, they help you to master and transform your
situation. Be ready to grow and stretch yourself beyond what you are used to.
After mastering these concepts, you will be able to free yourself from the bonds
of narcissistic relationships throughout your life, and although an occasional
narcissist might get the better of you, you’ll be way ahead of the average Joe
who is enmeshed in a quagmire of dysfunction with yet another self-absorbed
individual.
Study and work hard. We wish you all the best in transforming your
relationships!
 PART 1

UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM AND

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER
Chapter 1
 The Narcissistic Personality
Living or working with someone who is narcissistic can be very frustrating and
at times very distressing. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you may
often find yourself asking, “When will it ever be about me?” You may
eventually come to realize that you will never be a priority in the life of your
self-absorbed other. This is a hard realization to come to, but what keeps people
locked into their narcissistic other is the hope that someday the person will snap
out of it or come around to truly being able to love others. Isn’t that what we all
want: to feel connection with others, to love and be loved? For narcissists,
somehow this need for connection and love gets obscured.
This chapter will look at the entire range of narcissistic personality issues,
from mild narcissistic personality traits to the full-blown personality disorder. It
will help you determine whether the person in your life is, in fact, a narcissist.
 From Self-Loathing to Healthy Self-Love to Narcissism
In discussing narcissism, it is helpful to think of a person’s feelings about
himself as being on a continuum (see the illustration on the next page). At one
end of the continuum is self-loathing, or self-hatred. We all know people like
this. They are extremely self-critical, and if you give them a compliment, they
will come up with a way to downplay it. This personality trait is much the
opposite of narcissism. In the middle of the continuum is healthy self-love. This
can best be described as occurring when people value themselves, they take care
of themselves, and they can stick up for themselves. A person who embraces
healthy self-love is able to love others because she is confident in herself and
therefore can express love without fear of being hurt or rejected. People who
epitomize healthy self-love are likely to engage in altruistic behaviors. Such was
the case with Dr. Jonas Salk, the pathologist who discovered the polio vaccine.
Although Dr. Salk could have sold the vaccine to a pharmaceutical company for
millions, he made his discovery available to everyone so that he could better
prevent human suffering. This is truly exemplary of someone who manifests
healthy self-love, also known as a self-actualized person (Maslow 1970).
Narcissism falls at the other end of the continuum and is characterized by
people who are so self-absorbed and caught up in their own agenda that they
can’t really see other people or their needs. As with the mythical Narcissus, they
are caught up in their own reflection and image. Therefore, they are incapable of
loving others and can only love themselves.

The Self-Love Continuum

 Defining Narcissism
Let’s start with a practical definition of narcissism. Narcissists are people who
feel that they are special or unique and therefore deserve to be treated as special
by others. They often have grandiose and arrogant attitudes in their interactions
with others and expect others to see their unique talents and abilities. Narcissists
are generally unhappy unless they are receiving accolades and tributes from
those around them. They tend to lack empathy and have a limited capacity to
love. Narcissists often have fantasies of unlimited power, brilliance, or wealth.
They tend to exploit others to their own ends and be distrustful of others.
In looking at this definition, you can see why it is very difficult to live with,
be in a relationship with, or work with someone who has narcissistic personality
disorder or has deeply ingrained narcissistic traits. Here are two examples of
people who exhibit narcissist traits.

Alex, the Stockbroker

Alex is twenty-eight years old and is a stockbroker with a major investment

firm in the city. He received his MBA from a prestigious business school,
graduating at the top of his class, and he does not miss an opportunity to let
anyone and everyone know about it. He drives an expensive sports car,
belongs to the most exclusive country club, and eats at the best restaurants.
Alex feels that he deserves only the best because he is incredibly talented
and special. Although Alex is considered a top producer at his job, he is not
well liked, nor does he show much loyalty to the corporation he works for.
Alex’s boss resents that he is never on time for work and that Alex thinks
nothing of making demeaning remarks about his management style. Alex
went behind his boss’s back to see if he could get a promotion. Alex’s
coworkers also see him as being Machiavellian and a cutthroat, someone
who would “throw his own mother under the bus” in order to get ahead.
When it comes to work, Alex basically feels that the rules don’t apply to
him. He is abusive to the administrative assistants and has been known to
make sexually offensive remarks. Some of the women who work in his
department have considered filing a complaint against Alex. His
administrative assistant says the only time Alex is nice to her is when he
needs something done fast or he needs her to cover for one of his careless
mistakes. Alex’s attitude toward women is also reflected in his dating
 mistakes. Alex’s attitude toward women is also reflected in his dating
habits. He generally does not date a woman for more than a couple of
months because he doesn’t want to “get tied down.”
Now let’s look at someone else who manifests many narcissistic traits. See if
you can pick up on some essential differences between Alex and Debbie as you
read about her.

Debbie, the Self-Absorbed Parent

Debbie’s ex-husband once remarked that a cat is a better mother to her

kittens than Debbie is to her kids. He was amazed at how she never wanted
to attend their daughter’s soccer games on Saturday mornings because she
didn’t want to miss an appointment to have her nails done. When Bob
divorced Debbie, it was because she refused to do anything together with
the family. Debbie preferred to go out with her single friends and would
never miss a fashion show at the club. It seemed that the only time Debbie
would pay attention to her daughter and son was when she was required to
because all the other mothers would be there (such as school plays or other
events). Debbie once sent her son to school when he was running a fever
because she didn’t want to miss her exercise class. When the school nurse
called Debbie to have her pick up her son, Debbie launched into a tirade
and threatened to sue the nurse for “malpractice.” Debbie is accustomed to
getting her own way and will often use threats or intimidation to do so.
Both Alex and Debbie have extreme narcissistic traits. Notice how their self-
centeredness permeates just about every aspect of their lives, whether it be
romantic relationships, friendships, jobs, or family life. It is not unusual for
narcissists to go through a string of relationships, friendships, or marriages
because no one is ever good enough for them.
 Narcissistic Personality Disorder
So, what does it mean to say that a person has narcissistic personality disorder?
Generally, this disorder refers to a pervasive maladaptive pattern characterized
by grandiose attitudes and behavior, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack
of empathy. People with narcissistic personality disorder generally tend to think
of themselves as being special and unique. They are quite skilled at exaggerating
their own accomplishments or self-aggrandizing, and they often come across to
others as being boastful and pretentious. People with this disorder are also quite
envious of others and will begrudge others their successes, accomplishments, or
possessions. Given their lack of empathy, people with NPD often become
impatient with others, especially when it comes to dealing with their problems or
frailties. It may also be difficult for someone with NPD to recognize others’
needs and to be genuinely concerned with their welfare.
To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, people must exhibit at
least five of the following symptoms (American Psychiatric Association 2000):

1. having a grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerating achievements)

2. having a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power,

brilliance, and so on

3. believing that they are special or unique and therefore can only be
understood by other special or unique or high-status people

4. having an excessive need for admiration

5. having a sense of entitlement

6. exploiting others for personal gain or benefit

7. lacking the ability to empathize with others

8. envying others and believing that others are envious of them

9. being very arrogant and haughty

Now let’s go back and look at Alex and Debbie and see how they compare to
the diagnostic criteria. Alex clearly displays five symptoms of narcissistic
personality disorder. For example, his grandiose sense of self-importance is
evident in how he flaunts his MBA from a prestigious business school. His self-
perception that he is special or unique and therefore can only be understood by
those of similar stature is evident in Alex’s view that he deserves the best
because he is uniquely talented. His sense of entitlement shows up in many
areas: going behind his boss’s back for a raise, coming in late for work, and
making demeaning remarks to women coworkers. All illustrate Alex’s
perception that the usual rules don’t apply to him. His exploitation of others is
also evident in how he treats his boss, his coworkers, the administrative staff,
and the women he dates. Alex is clearly the type of person who steps on others
to get ahead or to get his own needs met. It is not uncommon that people like this
will also lack empathy for others because they lack the ability to see things from
someone else’s perspective. Finally, Alex’s arrogance and haughty behavior are
evident in how he interacts with others and flaunts his achievements and
accomplishments. Alex meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
Debbie has many narcissistic qualities, but even though her narcissistic traits
are in some ways more severe than Alex’s, it’s more difficult to diagnose her
definitively with narcissistic personality disorder. For example, while Alex tends
to exploit everyone with whom he comes in contact, Debbie seems to confine
her exploitation of others to her immediate family. Similarly, whereas Alex is
adept at flaunting his grandiose sense of self-importance (which relates to his
display of arrogance or haughty behavior), Debbie is personally self-absorbed
but not so intent on impressing others with her achievements. Debbie does
display a sense of entitlement; just ask any of the teachers at her children’s
school or the school nurse whom she threatened to sue. So while Debbie has
many narcissistic traits, she does not appear to neatly fit the criteria for
narcissistic personality disorder, and to properly diagnose her, a professional
would need to see if her beliefs and attitudes reflect the extreme self-
centeredness that is so typical of those with NPD. (Warning:In describing the
symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, our goal is not to turn you into a
diagnostician or mental health professional but rather to acquaint you with some
of the symptoms and problems that are common to those with NPD and to help
you determine if these traits, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors are similar to what
you may be encountering.)
Throughout this workbook, you will find examples of both men and women
with narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic traits. It should be noted,
however, that 50 to 75 percent of all people diagnosed with NPD are male and
that NPD occurs in anywhere from 2 to 16 percent of the adult American
population (American Psychiatric Association 2000).
 Personality Disorder vs. Personality Traits
It is quite possible for a person to exhibit some narcissistic traits but not
necessarily manifest the full-blown personality disorder. One of the key
distinctions here is that people with NPD often display narcissistic traits or
characteristics that are both pervasive and maladaptive.
So, is the person in your life a narcissist? You can begin to answer this
question by taking an inventory of his or her narcissistic traits.

Exercise: You May Be Dealing with a Narcissist If…

Place a checkmark next to any of the following narcissistic traits that would
apply to the person you know.

It’s always about him or her, never about you.

His or her needs or desires always come before yours.

He or she is good at making you feel inferior.

You often feel exploited or used by him or her.

He or she demands your admiration and constant attention.

He or she is often grandiose and acts in an arrogant, haughty manner.

He or she lacks empathy and has trouble expressing loving feelings.

He or she is good at charming people or selling people on his or her

ideas.

He or she often wants to be in a position of power or to have control over

others.

He or she feels that the rules don’t apply in his or her case.

He or she is preoccupied with fantasies of wealth and fame.

 He or she is seen as a blowhard by friends or relatives.

Chances are if you checked three or more of the above traits, you may be
dealing with someone with narcissistic personality traits or narcissistic
personality disorder.
It is easy to get sucked in by a narcissist’s wit, charm, or charisma. He will
often have quite a knack for winning people over or selling them on his ideas. It
is no wonder, then, that narcissists are attracted to positions of power or to
relationships in which they have the upper hand, yet they also want to be around
others whom they perceive as complementing their own attractiveness.
Remember, however, that in any relationship, narcissists are only out for
themselves or what they think they can get out of the relationship, not what they
can give to the relationship.
 Subtypes or Variations of Narcissistic Personality
Disorder
Not all narcissists are the same. Psychologist Theodore Millon (1996) described
the following subtypes of people with NPD: the unprincipled narcissist, the
amorous narcissist, the compensatory narcissist, and the elitist narcissist. As you
read about these subtypes, see if any seem similar to the person you have
concerns about. Note that both men and women can fall into any of these
categories, and the narcissist in your life may exhibit traits of more than one
subtype.

The Unprincipled Narcissist

What characterizes unprincipled narcissists is that they seem to be devoid of
a conscience, or sense of right and wrong. They are often unconcerned with the
welfare of others and are amoral, unscrupulous, and deceptive in their dealings
with others. They exude an arrogant sense of self-worth and grandiosity. They
are driven by a need to outwit others, which proves that they are smarter than
those they prey on. It’s not unusual to find this type of narcissist in jails, prisons,
and drug rehabilitation centers, although many unprincipled narcissists go
through life without running afoul of the law.

The Amorous Narcissist

Amorous narcissists have an erotic or seductive orientation. They construct
and measure their self-worth around sexual conquests. They often run through a
string of pathological relationships, casting aside the person they have just
seduced only to look for their next conquest. Amorous narcissists are often
known for being heartbreakers, as well as committing some rather outrageous
acts, such as conning their sexual partners out of huge sums of money,
pathological lying, and other types of fraudulent behavior. The amorous
narcissist is truly the Don Juan character who compensates for deeper feelings of
inadequacy by seducing others and taking them for all they’re worth. Each
sexual conquest reinforces the amorous narcissist’ssense of self-worth and
overinflated self-image.
The Compensatory Narcissist
The compensatory narcissist is driven by a need to compensate for past hurts
or childhood emotional wounds by creating an illusion of superiority.
Compensatory narcissists live in a fantasy world of their own creation in which
they “pursue the leading role in a false and imaginary theater” (Millon 1996,
411) rather than living their own lives. They are driven to enhance their self-
esteem through what are often imagined achievements. In order to achieve this
goal of prestige, compensatory narcissists need an audience of others who will
buy into their deception. In fact, compensatory narcissists are often hypervigilant
or highly sensitive to how others react to or perceive them, often watching or
carefully listening for any signs of criticism or disdain.

The Elitist Narcissist

In some ways similar to compensatory narcissists, elitist narcissists are often
obsessed with their own inflated self-image. They often create a false sense of
self that bears little resemblance to their actual self, yet they manage to convince
themselves (and often those around them) of their unique talents and abilities.
They feel empowered and entitled to special treatment because of whatever
status or pseudo-achievements they may have attained. Elitist narcissists often
turn relationships into competitions or contests, whether they are work
relationships, friendships, or even love relationships. Here the goal is winning,
no matter what the means or cost, in order to prove to others (and themselves)
their incomparable superiority. Elitist narcissists are often social climbers and
they think nothing of stepping on or over anyone in their quest for fame and
status. They are very adept at marketing themselves and will not shrink from any
opportunity to do so. Because elitist narcissists hold themselves in such high
regard, they see little need to listen to others or follow directions.

Other Narcissistic Subtypes

In our work with clients, students, and various corporations, we see quite a
bit of entitlement and narcissistic behavior, and we’ve developed our own list of
more contemporary subtypes that seem to fit with the times. As you read about
our subtypes, which follow, do any seem similar to the narcissist in your life?
The trust fund baby: Somewhat similar to Theodore Millon’s elitist narcissist
(1996), trust fund babies are narcissists who grew up with the proverbial silver
spoon in their mouth and have no hesitancy about letting others know of their
pedigree, their financial worth, what exclusive prep school they went to, and so
on. What’s often very interesting about these narcissists is that they grew up
feeling special and therefore entitled. As a result, they often have little capacity
for empathy and little time or interest in anyone whom they perceive to be of
lower social status. When it comes to the personal troubles of others, as Marie
Antoinette put it, “Let them eat cake!” Naturally, not everyone born to wealth
and privilege becomes a narcissist; there are those who do incredibly
philanthropic work and aspire to professions in which they do good works on
behalf of others.
The profession-bound narcissist: There are narcissists whose entire identity is
tied up in who they are as professionals. Whether they are doctors, lawyers,
judges, financial experts, musicians, actors, or academics, their egos are so
enormous that they need a tractor-trailer to haul them around. These are the
people who like to flaunt their power and in doing so are often abusive to anyone
who crosses their path or gets in their way. You’ll see these folks driving around
in the latest sports car with vanity license plates, as if announcing to the world
what they do for a living. Think of it this way: when someone is truly at the top
of his field, does he really need to flaunt it?
The child prodigy narcissist: Some people believe they are unique and special
because they grew up with a lot of adults constantly reminding them that they
were. From the star athlete to the gifted musician to the most gifted student, they
received more than their share of the glory and accolades while growing up.
Unfortunately, this early fame seems to go to their heads, as they too begin to
feel that they are larger than life. We hear many stories of child stars and
prodigies who end up having miserable adult lives that are marred by drug or
alcohol addiction and emotional turmoil. Just being average or being a face in
the crowd is not okay for these narcissists, who need to be recognized and the
center of attention wherever they go. It’s no wonder that former child prodigies
often cannot stand the fact that they no longer have special status. We often see
them in the university setting: having come through gifted and talented programs
throughout grammar school and high school, these former child prodigies often
conclude that their talents will carry them through college-level courses without
needing to put in the work to obtain an A. They often feel they should be given
an A because they’re entitled to it.
The closet narcissist: Probably the most difficult to discern, closet narcissists
often appear on the surface to be just like everyone else. It’s not until you get to
know them or you scratch beneath the surface that you begin to see their true
selves. When this happens, you begin to see their arrogance, haughtiness, and
expectation to be treated as special, or their need to exert power over others.
What makes these narcissists difficult to identify is that they often seek out
professions or positions in which you ordinarily wouldn’t expect to find
narcissists, such as in human services, in teaching, or even among the clergy.
What becomes obvious after a period of time, however, is that they are not about
helping others but about self-aggrandizement. They are not about helping those
whom they are supposed to serve but about building their own egos up (at
others’ expense).
The know-it-all narcissist: This subtype resembles the profession-bound
narcissist, but you may find this type of narcissist in almost any walk of life.
Often these know-it-alls lack a complete education, but they go through life
browbeating others into coming around to their way of thinking. They usually
have very definite opinions about nearly everything, and they feel they have
been put on this earth to offer up their little pearls of wisdom on whatever
unsuspecting victim happens to give them an ear. Know-it-alls can be expected
to be right about everything—remember the cardinal rule “Don’t confuse them
with the facts,” because their minds are made up and they will be unrelenting
until they have changed your mind as well. Sometimes it’s best just to let them
rant and rave and to go on your merry way. If you are a captive audience,
however, hopefully your patience will hold up.
The addicted narcissist: One of the unfortunate by-products of addiction
(whether it be to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, or shopping) is that addicts
become incapable of loving others. One sure sign of addiction is that an addict
will consistently put a drug of choice over loved ones. It goes with the territory,
which is why addicts will think nothing of stealing from their families, lying, or
conning them. This type of behavior can be seen as a form of narcissism, albeit
drug-induced but a narcissistic process nevertheless. Fortunately, one of the
miraculous changes that occurs when someone truly embraces recovery (and
begins to work a structured, consistent recovery program) is that you begin to
see a transformation from a narcissistic or egocentric way of life to one in which
the now recovering person can love others and participate fully in loving
relationships. Unfortunately, we have also seen instances where people claim to
be recovering but remain as self-centered as they were when they were actively
addicted. Usually this lack of change or growth can be traced back to something
lacking in the way they’ve worked their recovery program.
 Exercise: Narcissist Subtypes

Does the narcissist in your life match one of these subtypes? Is he or she a
combination of types? In the space below, please write about how the person in
your life matches any of the subtypes we’ve described.
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
If the person in your life doesn’t fit any of these descriptions, remember that
these subtypes are merely guidelines; narcissism is not defined by them.
 Narcissists at Work, Love, and Play
You may find that the narcissist in your life is your boss, coworker, or
subordinate; your spouse or partner; or your friend. This is not to imply that
there are narcissists lurking under every bush or around every corner just waiting
to pounce, but it is not unusual to find narcissists in many different types of
relationships.

The Narcissist at Work

Narcissists are often attracted to positions of power and prestige. Therefore,
it’s not unusual to find narcissists in professions such as law or medicine, or as
CEOs of companies, stockbrokers, military officers, professors, or even clergy
members. Given these positions, however, it is also not uncommon for
narcissists to abuse that power, which is why you’re likely to find narcissists
being overrepresented among workplace bullies and those accused of sexual
harassment or creating a hostile work environment. When working for a
narcissistic boss or administrator, you’re likely to encounter the following:

They exploit those who work for them.

They may steal your work and claim it as their own.

Their lack of empathy will be reflected in their lack of concern for any
personal problems or difficulties you may experience.

Narcissists are not good mentors or teachers; they will expect you to read
their mind or know what they want without directly communicating it.

They will think nothing of making demeaning or derogatory comments

or telling an offensive joke.

They will expect you to put in endless hours of work or to sacrifice

family time when they don’t.

They will not miss any opportunity to promote themselves, and they will
expect you to promote them as well.

They are disloyal and will sell out even their most trusted employee in a
 flash.

If you’ve had the misfortune of working for a narcissistic boss or

administrator, then most of these behaviors will seem all too familiar to you.
Administrators and bosses are not the only narcissists, however. You may be
working with a narcissistic employee, for example, someone who is basically
incapable of loyalty because he is only loyal to himself. Some managers and
administrators we’ve counseled say that having a narcissistic subordinate is like
having a poisonous snake running loose in your house, never knowing where it’s
lurking or when it’s going to strike.
Finally, the narcissist in your life may be a coworker or colleague. The
advantage here is that power is probably not an issue in your relationship. But it
is never easy having a narcissist in the workplace, no matter who she may be.
This workbook will help you reduce your stress level whether the narcissist in
your work life is a boss, employee, or coworker.

The Narcissist in Love

Being involved in a love relationship with a narcissist can be frustrating.
Some contend that it is difficult, if not impossible, to be involved in a true love
relationship with a narcissist because the narcissist is only in love with herself.
Although you may sometimes hope for an equal partnership, it never seems to
happen. Because narcissists don’t wear signs saying “Beware: I am only capable
of loving myself,” it’s very common for people to find themselves in love with
someone whose narcissistic personality traits don’t surface until well into the
relationship.
Early on, it may be difficult to tell. Narcissists are often quite charming and
very skilled at what is called impression management. Some are keenly aware of
how to read people and respond accordingly. Over time, however, narcissists
begin to show their true colors. A client once remarked that she first became
aware of her fiancé’s narcissistic streak when he refused to accompany her to the
funeral of her favorite aunt because he had made plans to play golf with a
business associate. Another client said he only became fully aware of his wife’s
narcissistic tendencies when she refused to pick him up from the hospital after
minor surgery because she had an appointment with her masseuse. These may
seem like minor examples of self-centeredness, but for each of these clients, they
represented a moment of insight into their partner’s narcissism, especially since
these incidents resembled so many prior instances of similar behavior.
 It’s common for people to be blind to their partner’s narcissism, given the
narcissist’s ability to create a favorable first impression. Partners of narcissists
will often comment on the narcissist’s many admirable qualities, such as his
confidence or her sense of humor or how good he is as a financial provider.
However, in the overall scope of the relationship, partners of narcissists often
feel that something is lacking, and although it may be hard at first to discern
exactly what that something is, it usually becomes apparent over time. Partners
often find themselves initially being irritated or angry in social situations when
the narcissistic spouse or partner always steers the conversation toward one of
his accomplishments or conquests; they discover that the narcissistic partner
needs to be the center of attention, no matter what the occasion.

The Narcissist as a Friend

As with love relationships, extreme self-centeredness is a problem in
friendships with narcissists. You may find that you are always there for your
narcissistic friend, but somehow she is never really there for you. Or you may
find yourself always doing what he wants and on his time schedule, but
somehow you never get around to doing things that you want to do or at your
convenience. Being the best friend of a narcissist is not an easy task; however, in
a friendship you have a better chance of limiting your contact. In a love
relationship or in a work setting, you may be a captive audience to the
narcissist’s exquisite game, which is often designed to exploit you and to
aggrandize the narcissist. Later in this workbook, we will help you look more
closely at relationships with narcissists in your social and love life and will offer
some strategies for how best to manage your relationships in these spheres.
 How Do Narcissists Get That Way?
With all the talk about the influences of genetics and neurotransmitters on
behavior, you may wonder if there is some genetic link to narcissistic personality
disorder or some chemical imbalance that causes it. Unfortunately, although it’s
tempting to draw such a conclusion, it’s more likely that narcissists are not born
that way but develop narcissistic traits. Indeed, there are many theories for how
narcissism develops, but going into all of them is beyond the scope of this
workbook. The two theories presented here are among the most popular and
compelling. One of these theories is that people develop narcissistic traits in
response to how they were parented. The other theory is that these traits evolve
out of deep-seated feelings of inferiority.

Parenting Style
Most adolescents are indeed self-centered and narcissistic. It seems to go
with the territory of being a teenager. Teens have a unique talent for seeing life
through only their own eyes of teenage angst. This is one of the reasons why
teenagers can be so cruel and bullying to their peers or parents. However, most
people who survive adolescence are able to shed their egocentric views and
begin to develop a sense of empathy for others, especially as they begin to
develop the capacity to look at things from different perspectives.
If you have a teenage child who is very self-centered, you may very well ask
whether this means she will grow up to become a narcissist. The answer is
probably not. One reason that teenagers are never diagnosed with personality
disorders is that their personalities are still developing. As a parent, you can
encourage your egocentric teenager to put herself in the other person’s shoes or
to look at things from other perspectives. This may help her develop empathy.
Some teenagers are naturally more empathic, and seeing things from another’s
point of view comes to them more easily. For others, empathy takes some time
to develop, especially if they’ve been accustomed to having things go their way
or they’ve received a lot of attention or accolades.
It seems that those who go on to become full-fledged narcissists, however,
may have experienced a parenting style that was either overindulgent and
pampering or neglectful and rejecting. Freud (1914) was one of the early
theorists to describe this type of parenting style. Some narcissistic personalities
were parented in such a way as to convey that they were the center of the
universe. This is true of “stage mothers” and “coach fathers” who teach their
kids that the world should and does revolve around them. This may also occur in
child-centered families in which the marital bond is rather weak or nonexistent;
it is easier for these couples to focus their lives around their child.
In the opposite scenario, where parents are neglectful, rejecting, or
sometimes fickle or erratic, children learn that they cannot depend on their
parents for nurturance or love. These children essentially give up trusting that
their parents will love them and basically turn to the only person they feel they
can trust: themselves. This shift toward self-love is seen as an attempt at self-
preservation.

Compensating for Feelings of Inferiority

Another theory that helps to explain why some people become narcissists
and others don’t is found in the theory of compensation (Reich 1960). This
theory is that narcissism is rooted in feelings of inferiority; to overcome these
feelings, the narcissist adopts a pattern of behavior in which he overcompensates
by overachieving. Akhtar and Thomson (1982) explain that although people with
NPD appear grandiose, seductive, and exploitative, they are actually doubt-
ridden, chronically bored, envious of others’ achievements, and unable to love.
Their overcompensation is often played out in such arenas as occupational
endeavors, financial success, or having the most attractive mate. We’ve all seen
people who overcompensate by purchasing the fanciest cars, the largest or fastest
boats, or the most luxurious penthouse condo. It is as if they were saying, “Look
at me; see how successful I am.” The old joke “the bigger the car, the smaller the
penis” may not be that far from the truth. It may indeed be a feeling of
smallness, or inferiority, that causes some narcissists to behave the way they do.
It may seem contradictory that those who harbor feelings of inferiority would
want to draw attention to themselves, but the theory is that in doing so, they are
trying to gain the admiration of other people. Narcissists may perceive
themselves as lovable based upon their ability to get others to love them, and
they therefore feel compelled todraw attention to themselves so that others will
see just how lovable and admirable they are. Think about the Michael Scott
character on the popular TV series The Office. Michael is the epitome of the
narcissistic boss, constantly trying to draw attention to himself no matter how
inappropriate it may be. He is always seeking the attention and admiration of his
staff. Not surprisingly, some episodes of this series describe Michael as having
been a rejected loner as a child, an extremely awkward and geekish adolescent.
He is an excellent example of an overcompensating, overachieving narcissistic
adult. He is unable to show any empathy toward others, which often results in
his making inappropriate, boorish comments.
 How the Narcissist Affects You
Throughout this workbook, you’ll be asked to look at how you react to the
narcissist in your life as a way of focusing on areas that you’d like to change.
Here is an exercise to get started.

Exercise: How Does the Narcissist Affect Your

Feelings?

It is common when dealing with a narcissist in either your personal or work life
to be frustrated, angry, and disappointed. Respond to the following statements on
a scale of 1 to 4, where 1 means you strongly disagree, 2 means you disagree, 3
means you agree, and 4 means you strongly agree.
___________ 1. You often feel like you’re second fiddle tohis or her desires
or wants.
___________ 2. You feel angry that he or she is not more caring or loving.
___________ 3. You often expect him or her to act differently and feel
disappointed when this doesn’t happen.
___________ 4. You often feel left out of his or her life or plans.
___________ 5. You feel exploited or used by him or her.
___________ 6. You often feel that you would be better off on your own.
___________ 7. You admire his or her self-confidence.
___________ 8. You’re often struck by his or her ability to charm people or
win them over.
___________ 9. He or she puts you down or criticizes you a lot, which
makes you feel hurt or angry.
___________ 10. He or she thinks nothing of making decisions without you,
which makes you feel invisible and left out.
___________ 11. He or she always wants your undivided attention and
admiration, and you find yourself feeling drained or exhausted by the constant
demands.
___________ 12. He or she often invalidates or ignores your feelings.
 ___________ 13. His or her need to be the center of attention often
embarrasses you.
Now add up the score. If you scored between 45 and 52, you probably have a
lot of intense feelings toward the narcissist in your life. If you scored between 30
and 44, you’re probably coping with the narcissist but have times when you may
feel intense anger, hurt, or disappointment. If you scored lower than 30, you
probably don’t allow the narcissist to impact your reactions very often.
Chapter 2 will expand on some of the topics presented in this chapter and
will provide you with some strategies for both identifying NPD and narcissistic
traits and managing your life with your narcissistic coworker, lover, family
member, or friend.
Chapter 2
 Are You Dealing with a Narcissist?
You may be asking the question “Is the person in my life really a narcissist?”
This chapter will help you answer that question more definitively by taking a
closer look at the other person’s behaviors and their effect on you.
This chapter will give you a fresh understanding of your history with this
person, enabling you to interpret problematic interactions in a new way. You
should find this not only enlightening but also useful as you begin to construct
better coping strategies.
Being able to accurately define your difficulties with the other person is the
beginning of a real solution. In the past, it may have seemed that you were going
from one confusing and entangled interaction to another, leaving you hurt and
bewildered. Now you will be able to recognize the other person’s strategies so
clearly that they will stand out like flashing neon signs pointing the way toward
a much more effective response from you.
 The Narcissist Changes the Way You Think, Feel, and
Act
Narcissists will make you think differently, feel differently, and act differently
than you do with anyone else.Narcissists affect you in a much deeper and more
pervasive way than do other simply “difficult” people. There are people whom
you simply may not like for one reason or another, but, for the most part, when
you deal with them, you are very much yourself. When you are with someone
who has narcissistic traits, however, it’s almost like you develop another
personality, one that you do not like very much. Whereas previously you might
have been outgoing and sociable, around the narcissist you feel withdrawn and
shy. Usually when you are around others, you feel that your opinions are
intelligent and well thought out, but when you’re involved in an interaction with
a narcissist, you feel that what you have to say is stupid and insignificant. If you
are usually well-spoken, you will stutter. If you are good at your job, you will be
a bungler around the narcissist. You are simply not yourself and most likely are
upset with yourself because you cannot be yourself when you are around this
person.
Some psychologists refer to this process as projective identification. A
simple way to describe this rather complex behavioral interaction is that the
narcissist somehow makes you assume a role that will meet her needs.For
example, if a narcissist needs to argue or have a debate with someone, you will
find yourself suddenly wanting to argue and debate. This will hold true even if
you are usually not the type of person who likes to argue. If a narcissist needs to
seduce others, you might find yourself sexually attracted to him, even if you are
really not looking for a sexual partner. We know that sounds strange, but it’s
true. It almost feels like a magic spell has been cast on you that utterly
transforms you.
Another way to tell you are involved with a narcissist is that the other person
seems to occupy all your thoughts all of the time. This can be incredibly odd.
You just can’t help it. You find yourself fixated on the other person. A different
way of putting this is that the narcissist lives in your brain rent free. You find
yourself wanting to think about other things, but you can’t. Not only will you
continually think about the narcissist, but you will find this person entering into
your conversations in the strangest of ways. You will be talking about the new
car you are considering buying one minute, and the next minute you’ll be talking
about your narcissistic brother who never does his share around the holidays. Go
figure. You’ll probably even find yourself dreaming about the narcissist. An
accounting professor who had a narcissistic mother would visit his mother, who
lived alone, and then return to his wife and home, only to complain all night long
about his mother’s arrogance and grandiosity. This went on until finally one
night his wife gave him an ultimatum: to never talk about his mother again or to
confront the end of his marriage.
The following exercises will take a closer look at how the narcissistic person
in your life affects your feelings, actions, and thoughts.

Exercise: How Do You React to the Narcissistic

Person in Your Life?

Place a checkmark next to any of the following ways that you react or change
around the narcissistic person in your life.

differently from how you feel with other people

used

stupid for being involved with him or her

inferior

humiliated

like your only worth is as a cheerleader or fan

frustrated that you can never get a word in edgewise

insignificant, just an annoyance to him or her

inadequate

needy because it seems like you need this person more than he or she
needs you

like you’re a big sucker

 fearful for your safety

manipulated

unimportant because your feelings just don’t matter

afraid of abandonment

cheated because everything seems to be about his or her needs

ignored or invisible because your opinions seem unimportant to him or

her

apprehensive of quick retaliation if you do anything to upset him or her

frustrated because you’re forced to listen to him or her bragging

unhappy that the relationship is less important to him or her than to you

insignificant as you’re always in his or her shadow

insecure because you don’t ever know whether he or she is going to

reject or love you

victimized, taken advantage of

nervous, like you are walking on eggshells or afraid you will do

something wrong

overburdened as he or she never pulls his or her own weight

dominated as he or she talks at you, not with you

angry to the point of wanting to hurt this person in some way

List some other ways that your behavior or emotions change around this
person: _____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
 Besides affecting how you feel, a narcissist can also have an impact on how
you behave. The next exercise helps you examine how this person changes your
behavior.

Exercise: How Does Your Behavior Change Around

the Narcissist?

Place a checkmark next to the following ways that you act or have acted in
response to this person that seem different from the way you would usually act.
With this person, you do the following:

avoid confrontations

avoid important discussions that may result in you being personally

attacked or put down

subjugate your own needs

pull more than your own weight

chase the person to bring him or her back into the relationship

continually reassure the other person about how great he or she is

use alcohol or drugs to cope with this relationship

have disturbing dreams about the other person

lose sleep over this person

are reduced to tears on more than one occasion

spend a lot of time thinking about this relationship

comply with the other person’s unreasonable requests even when you are
highly inconvenienced or sick

take medications to cope with this relationship

 seek professional help

sacrifice time in other relationships or activities

miss work because this person needs you to do something for him or her

change your schedule in order to accommodate him or her

feel pressured to do unpleasant things you thought you would never do

always seem to be defending yourself when you’re around him or her

List some other things you have done in response to this person:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Besides having a unique effect on how you behave and feel, a narcissist will
have a strong impact on your thoughts. These thoughts can reveal much about
your relationship.

Exercise: How Does Your Thinking Change in

Response to the Narcissist?

Place a checkmark next to any of the following thoughts that that you have had
in response to the narcissistic person:

He or she is humiliating you on purpose.

You are just not that important.

You are stuck in this relationship.

You are very stupid for staying in this relationship.

You should be loyal and faithful and not leave this relationship.
This person never plays by the rules.

If you don’t keep your guard up all the time, he or she will exploit you
for sure.

This relationship is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

You are so stupid for letting this person get to you.

You just can’t compete with him or her.

You can never change the situation.

If you let him or her, this person would entirely dominate you.

The reason that this relationship doesn’t go your way is because of your
own defects.

Somehow you did something to deserve this.

As long as the other person is around, you will never get what you want.

The situation will never end; it will always be the same.

At times, this person wishes to demean you.

This person will use you, no matter what you do.

You can never please his or her.

If only you could change somehow and become more like this person
wants you to be, things would be much better.

You are attracted to this relationship like a moth to a flame.

Being around this person somehow makes you more important.

You will never get through to this person; you can never get your point
across.

This person is so talented or gifted that you have to support him or her in
 these endeavors.

This person couldn’t care less about your feelings.

List some other thoughts you have had in response to this person:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Look over your responses to these three exercises carefully. Did you check
off many of the items? So what do you think? Remember, narcissists change the
way you think, feel, and behave. Do you believe that your thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors with this person are very different from those you have with other
significant people in your life? Do you find that you are really not yourself when
interacting with this person? If so, you are most likely dealing with a narcissist.
 The Narcissist Takes Advantage of You
In addition to making you feel, behave, and think in certain ways that are
different from how you are with others, the narcissist will most likely have done
things to you that others have not. Narcissists can be very exploitative, crossing
over commonly accepted boundaries to take advantage of those around them.
Here’s an example: A neighborhood group of men in their twenties used to
get together sometimes to play poker, and they also played flag football with
other neighborhood groups. The man who started the football team was a less-
than-gifted athlete and card player and also a narcissist. He designated himself
captain of the team and would always put himself in the skill positions, while
benching those with real talent. During the group’s card games, he would
exaggerate his achievements during long discourses on the last game. When
playing cards, he almost never had enough money to play and “borrowed”
money from others, never paying them back. During one card game, a neighbor
was talking about his new car, which he had just purchased that week. The
narcissist began to insist that his neighbor lend him the car so he could drive to
Florida—a thousand miles away—for a weeklong vacation because the
narcissist’s car was older and not as comfortable. When the neighbor refused, an
argument ensued with the narcissist holding fast to the idea that there really was
no reason for his neighbor not to lend the car. As tempers flared, others took the
neighbor’s side, and one person finally—and rightfully—accused the narcissist
of never paying back the money he owed. The narcissist stormed out of the
room. Afterward, the narcissist quit the card game and the football team, never
to return again. In fact, he never spoke to any of the other men again, and when
he eventually moved to a new neighborhood, he told his new neighbors that the
people in the old neighborhood were just a bunch of whiners and cheaters.
The narcissist’s voracious sense of entitlement makes it easy for him to
exploit those around him; after all, he is such an exceptional person, he deserves
what he takes. They should have given it to him in the first place.

Exercise: Is the Person in Your Life Exploitative?

Each of the following statements describes how a narcissist may be exploitative.

Fill in the blanks using a scale of 1 to 5:
 ___________1. He or she takes or borrows money without paying it back.
___________2. This person takes credit for something that he or she did not
do.
___________3. He or she requests special sexual favors.
___________4. He or she takes things without asking first.
___________5. This person destroys or ruins things of yours that he or she
never offers to fix or replace.
___________6. He or she physically abuses you or others.
___________7. He or she makes sexual advances toward someone you had a
romantic interest in.
___________8. This person spreads rumors about you or misrepresents you
in some way so that he or she will look good.
___________9. This person insists that you participate in one of his or her
self-serving agendas.
___________10. He or she insists that you do something unpleasant or
highly inconvenient.
___________11. He or she insults, belittles, or injures those you are close to,
usually without apology.
___________12. He or she breaks rules that apply to everyone else.
___________13. This person asks one of your acquaintances to do
something unpleasant or inconvenient in spite of the fact that he or she barely
knows that person.
___________14. This person lies to you for his or her own personal gain.
___________15. He or she makes you look foolish or stupid in the company
of others (such as making you the butt of a joke or telling an embarrassing story
about you).
Now add up the score. A score of over 55 suggests that the person in your
life is exploitative.
Now list some specific instances in which this person has tried to exploit you
or taken advantage of you. Examples might be “Even though we have broken up,
he wants me to come over when he is sick to clean his wounds and get his
medications.” Or “My narcissist father is constantly hitting on my girlfriends,
insisting they massage his shoulders because they are sore. He hugs them way
too long and too close. He’s twenty-five years older than them!”
Your examples:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Time for some self-reflection. Does the fact that the person in your life
exploits you and others because he or she feels entitled to do so make you see
things a little differently? What has changed? How will having this knowledge
enable you to act differently when this person takes advantage of you? Don’t
worry if you can’t think of anything right now. This topic will be thoroughly
covered in later chapters.
 The Narcissist Engages in Splitting Behaviors
Psychologists use the term splitting to refer to the process of seeing the world in
black-and-white terms with no gradations of gray. Splitting is a tendency to
overvalue people, events, ideas, products, activities, and just about anything else
you could name, only to quickly devalue these things after finding any type of
flaw in them. People who do this see others in their lives as either wonderful or
awful, helpful or useless, sexy or repulsive, winners or losers. There is no middle
ground for them. If the narcissist in your life has this tendency, you are either a
genius or a moron, someone she can either idolize or walk all over.
It is important to note here that the consistent use of splitting as a defense
mechanism is usually the sign of a serious disorder. For example, it is frequently
seen with borderline personality disorder, which is a disorder not unrelated to
narcissism. While the discussion of this disorder is beyond the scope of this
book, suffice it to say that people with borderline personality disorder are best
known for being involved in astoundingly disturbed and tempestuous
relationships, which are in large part fueled by the process of splitting. The
concept of splitting is applicable to all types of narcissistic relationship
problems, and understanding how it works with narcissism is critical to
disarming a narcissist and disengaging from his toxic agendas.
One of the keys to understanding narcissism in the person you know is to
recognize that the narcissist engages in splitting not only with others but also
with himself. This will help you to get a handle on the other person’s seemingly
contradictory moods and behaviors, which may appear to change on a dime. For
example, one narcissistic salesman felt that to be competent, he would need to
sell a million dollars’ worth of product in a three-month period. If he succeeded
in this, he would be at the top of the world. He would date the most attractive
women in town and compete in his favorite sport, which was racing motorboats.
He would work out at the gym, honing his body to Olympian proportions while
dressing only in the finest clothing. If he sold even a hundred dollars less than
his million-dollar goal, however, he would go into a period of self-loathing,
where he would just lie around all day, ignoring his hobbies and his social life
and feeling he was an ugly, despicable failure. It was only during this time that
he would seek out a therapist to help restore his self-esteem.
It may be some small consolation to know that what the narcissist does to
others he also does to himself. But, you may wonder, where does splitting
originate? Many psychologists believe that splitting is an early form of
information processing. Very young children understand the world only in terms
of black and white; fine variations and subtle gradations are far too complex for
their young minds to grasp, and seeing them requires further brain development.
It is important to recognize here that all of us have tendencies to split under
certain conditions. For example, we tend to highly overvalue food when we are
hungry; food that would usually disgust us may suddenly look awfully good.
When we are in a rush to get to our jobs and the highways are bumper-to-
bumper, everybody looks like an idiot, and it’s really hard to find any use for
other people whatsoever.
Splitting is one of the many psychological defense mechanisms people use
when they feel threatened in some way. But narcissistic people can seem to be
somewhat stuck in this information-processing mode. With the narcissist,
splitting can be extreme. Perhaps this is because narcissists are constantly living
in a veiled but nonstop state of desperation, with all of their alarm systems
locked to red-alert status, warning them that their self-esteem is in critical
jeopardy.

Exercise: Is the Person in Your Life a Splitter?

Each of the following statements describes how a narcissist may engage in

splitting behavior. Fill in the blanks using a scale of 1 to 5:

___________1. He or she seems to either love you or hate you; there is no

middle ground.
___________2. He or she seems to have a long trail of people in the past that
are now despised.
___________3. In the beginning of your relationship, this person said
wonderful things to you. Now it’s only biting criticisms.
___________4. This person seems to get angry with you quickly and for no
apparent reason.
___________5. Your relationship seems to have really high highs and really
low lows.
 ___________6. This person can turn his or her emotions on or off in a
heartbeat.
___________7. There seems to be no middle ground with this person;
everything is over the top.
___________8. If you cross this person, he or she will write you off almost
immediately.
___________9. He or she is quickly attracted to new people, places, and
things, only to become discouraged with them just as quickly.
___________10. This person says hateful things to you when he or she is
unhappy with you.
___________11. He or she is on a high after accomplishing something but is
absolutely miserable when not doing as well.
___________12. He or she seems to change moods quite frequently; you
never know what you’re going to get.
___________13. God forbid that you make this person look bad; he or she
will absolutely loathe you.
___________14. When this person likes somebody, he or she tends to put
that person way up on a pedestal.
___________15. He or she appears to be incredibly jealous or envious of
other people’s possessions or successes.
Now add up the score. A score of 53 or above suggests that you might be
dealing with someone who is splitting.
Now list some examples of how the narcissistic person in your life has
exhibited splitting behaviors. Examples might be “When he first dated me, he
would write poetry about how beautiful I was, but now he is always critical of
the way I look, telling me I look like a fat pig.” Or “When I was first hired, the
boss said she would put me in charge of the entire East Coast dealership, telling
me I was the most incredibly gifted manager she had ever met. Now, she blames
every failure in our department on me and tells me I am lucky just to have a
job!”
Your examples:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
 _____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Stop to reflect for a moment. Does this information make you look at the
narcissist a little differently? Many people who are involved with narcissists feel
a sense of relief when they realize that they are not responsible for the other
person’s view of them as a fallen angel. It’s not your fault that the other person
once saw you as wonderful but then became severely disappointed in you. How
do you feel? Will having this knowledge help you react differently when the
narcissist in your life engages in splitting?
 The Narcissistic Wound
Surprisingly, in spite of their bluster and arrogant personas, narcissists can be
enormously sensitive to criticisms and personal failures. That grandiose and
pompous exterior usually hides a frightened and ashamed little child who is
petrified that his personal inadequacies will be exposed. This revelation can be
shocking to almost anyone involved with a narcissist: “Are you kidding me?
That self-infatuated, egotistical, and overconfident jerk of a boyfriend of mine
who hits on anything with a skirt? Ashamed as a little child?” Yet it is all too
true. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.
So, how did that ashamed little child grow up to be this self-centered,
egotistical maniac? Karen Horney (1991) gives a very clear and simple
explanation of this progression. As a young child, the narcissist has, like all of
us, her own unique personality filled with her own matchless feelings, needs,
and perceptions. This is what Horney calls the real self; it is the narcissist’s true
identity. Problems arise, however, when a key person in the child’s life—almost
always a parent—does not validate (or even like or approve of) all or part of the
child’s personality and therefore is rejecting. Disapproval may take the form of
malicious criticisms, withdrawals of love, shaming, and all other types of cruel
and insensitive rejection. The child’s real self then becomes her despised self;
she simply hates herself for being, at first, a failure in her parent’s eyes and, then
later, in her own. She now devalues and hates anything real or genuine within
herself: she comes to define herself as weak, stupid, lacking in talent, cowardly,
blameworthy, and, in general, disgraceful.
One way to look at the despised self is that it is a gaping, bleeding wound
that the narcissist is continually trying to shield at all costs. It is an incredibly
painful and shameful wound indeed, and to have it exposed through the
revealing of her shortcomings would be a torturous and devastating humiliation
that is only second to a slow and painful death. This narcissistic wound is
exceedingly deep and its never-ending defense is the very thing that drives the
narcissist, like a shark that must continue to swim just to breathe. A narcissistic
high-school drama coach who was hypersensitive about his weight once reported
this revealing dream: he was stripped naked by a crowd, beaten until he bled all
over, tied to a pole, and paraded through the streets as thousands of people lined
up to jeer and humiliate him. That is a portrait of the despised self.
The narcissist’s solution to this intolerable state of affairs is to create yet
another identity, one that Horney calls the idealized self and which is an attempt
to mask and compensate for the despised self. In other words, the idealized self
is the narcissist’s glorious solution to his despised self: Where he was once
weak, he is now a hero—no, a superhero—undefeatable in all that he does.
Where she was once unattractive, she is now charming, seductive, and
irresistible, the next supermodel replete with adoring fans and paparazzi. And
where he was once without talent, he is now the world’s foremost authority on,
well, you name it. Talk about overcompensation. Now take all these things and
inflate them to even larger proportions—that’s the idealized self.
Yet in the deepest parts of their psyches, narcissists are keenly aware from
their circumstances that the idealized self is a big lie: They find out that the
waitress that they were trying to impress by leaving large tips was really
giggling at their bloated pomposity behind their backs; the novel they believed to
be the next best seller is still not finished; and they were unable to achieve an
erection the last three times they attempted to consummate their latest seduction.
They were turned down for the second time for a promotion, their last friend on
earth won’t return their calls, and they still can’t seem to lose that excess thirty
pounds. Each one of these humiliations is like a jolting body punch of reality—
more salt poured into the existing wounds of childhood. They have been
exposed! Now they hate themselves even more. But rather than acknowledge
their shortcomings as just being human foibles, narcissists will compensate with
an even grander and more superior version of themselves. But this tactic will
also soon fail, as it is even more unobtainable than the one before. The idealized
self-image is an impossibly unattainable fantasy, which can only lead the
narcissist into a series of humiliating defeats. The process repeats itself over and
over: trying to be a superman, only to fail and suffer humiliation, then hating
themselves and compensating again by fashioning an even greater superman—a
never-ending vicious cycle. A sad aside is that what is left out in this whole
process is an acceptance of their true self. Narcissists don’t know who they
really are.
Perhaps even more surprising is that narcissists will bring on personal
attacks. Their pomposity invites—no, begs for—criticism and assault on their
character by others; people just ache to be the ones to give narcissists their
comeuppance.
When dealing with the narcissist, it is useful to remember that beneath that
veneer of cocky self-confidence lies a narcissistic wound. It doesn’t take much
to access this wound. Thus, your narcissist can be easily hurt and humiliated by
slights, rejections, and even minor criticisms.
 Exercise: Does the Person in Your Life Have a
Narcissistic Wound?

Each of the following statements describes how a narcissist may be wounded.

Fill in the blanks using a scale of 1 to 5:

___________ 1. He or she seems to be overly sensitive.

___________ 2. This person gets angry when you disagree with him or her.
___________ 3. He or she can never be wrong.
___________ 4. He or she gets angry or sulks even when you try to give
constructive criticism.
___________ 5. He or she seems to need constant reassurance.
___________ 6. He or she always seems to be fishing for compliments.
___________ 7. This person will rant and rage if someone has disagreed
with or criticized him or her.
___________ 8. Sometimes he or she looks like a wounded little child.
___________ 9. Criticism seems to stun him or her.
___________ 10. This person will cut another person out of his or her life
the moment that person disagrees or finds fault with him or her.
___________ 11. He or she never forgets a slight.
___________ 12. He or she counterattacks swiftly.
___________ 13. This person is constantly saying how wonderful he or she
is, as if needing this self-reinforcement.
___________ 14. This person becomes guarded or defensive when talking
about his or her shortcomings.
___________ 15. You feel that you have to choose your words very
carefully or you will offend him or her in some way.
Now add up the score. A score of 52 or above suggests that this person has a
narcissistic wound.
Now list some examples of how the person in your life has exhibited a
narcissistic wound: _____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Take another moment for reflection.Knowing that this person suffers from a
narcissistic wound can go a long way in your managing situations with him.
First, you will not blame yourself when he overacts—it’s not your fault that he
goes into rages. You will understand why it is so difficult for him to admit that
he is wrong, for doing so only reinforces the idea that he is defective. You will
understand his need to denigrate others. You also will grow to recognize that you
will get further with the narcissist by addressing the hurt beneath the anger. For
example, suppose your narcissistic wife is in a tirade because you spent too
much time speaking with an attractive salesclerk. Instead of saying something
like “You always accuse me of doing things that I haven’t done,” you can say
something like “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I really didn’t mean for it to look like I
was flirting. That wouldn’t be fair to you.” You will find that this type of
statement will go a long way in helping you manage your relationship.
After reading this chapter, your perceptions and interpretations of events
have probably changed. Interactions that have baffled you in the past should now
be making more sense. What is the most significant thing that you will take
away from this chapter? How will you react differently to the person in your life
when she exhibits the traits discussed here?
Congratulations! At this point you should have a pretty good handle on
whether or not the person about whom you are concerned is narcissistic. The fog
should be beginning to clear. The next chapter will look at how the concepts
introduced here can be applied to all kinds of personal and work relationships.
Chapter 3
 Narcissism in Personal Relationships
and in the Workplace
Narcissistic people can be found in all walks of life. You can find them in your
neighborhood, your school, your business, and, yes, even your own family. You
may find them on the front page of the newspaper or on your TV screen, but it’s
when the narcissist gets up close and personal that the sparks really begin to fly.
Having a narcissistic spouse, boss, friend, or relative can be exhausting. And
each type of relationship brings its own special challenges. This chapter will
cover three different types of narcissistic relationships: romantic, when you are
involved with a narcissist; parental, when you have at least one narcissistic
parent; and workplace, when you have a narcissistic coworker or boss. We wish
to note here that although it is important for you to focus on the type of
relationship that is affecting you the most, you should read about the others as
well. Most of the factual information, advice, and exercises offered here can be
applied across a spectrum of relationship types.
 Narcissists in Romantic Relationships
We would like to start this section off by being utterly and painfully blunt, so
here goes: No one is more at risk when dealing with a narcissist than someone
who’s involved in a long-term romantic relationship with a narcissist. Within an
intimate relationship, the narcissist has a bounty of opportunities across scores of
personal interactions to do harm to a sincere, committed, and oh so vulnerable
lover. Even by the most basic of definitions, intimacy requires that you clear
away a part of yourself to make room for another. Think about it. To be able to
vibrate with the feelings of our loved ones is a personality prerequisite for
anyone involved in a devoted relationship. The total consumption of the
narcissist with his own needs makes him the odds-on favorite to continuously
disregard the needs of his partner. Indeed, many narcissists actually enjoy
withholding the very thing their partner needs the most; this is a type of one-
upmanship designed to keep those around them humbled.
It is easy to be beguiled by a narcissist. He naturally projects an alluring
guise of charisma, prestige, charm, and self-confidence. She reminds you of a
movie star. He is the triumphant conqueror, a natural-born leader. She appears
unflappable, handling all situations with unmitigated cool. There seems to be
excitement wherever the narcissist goes, and you want to bask in the warmth of
his radiance. When you are in her crosshairs, her expressions of quixotic
passions can be infinitely infectious.
In the beginning, the narcissist will astound you by fulfilling all of your
romantic fantasies in a whirlwind of romance. The lovemaking is intense and
passionate; she will do everything she can to satisfy and impress you. He’ll take
you to must-see concerts and the trendiest restaurants, to the most expensive and
notable nightspots and Broadway plays. (“The Little Mermaid was my favorite
story as a little girl! How sweet.”) He’ll honor your birthday with an extravagant
celebration and lavish gifts. Heck, he’ll celebrate your mother’s birthday with
lavish gifts. (“Isn’t he just wonderful? Now there’s the man you should marry!”)
He will write you love letters infused with declarations of his eternal devotion to
you, rivaling the poetry of the masters: you are his soul mate. He will create
compilations of your favorite music. He will captivate you for evenings on end
with his witty and clever jokes and his riveting stories of action-packed
escapades, starring mostly, ahem…him.
The narcissist may have been attracted to you because she believed that you
enhanced her image in some way, or she saw you as someone who was as
wonderful as she was, her “heterosexual twin,” so to speak (Akhtar 2009,
187).Perhaps he saw you as exceptionally beautiful, a partner who could fulfill
his innermost passions, giving him the love he never really had. Maybe she
believed that you were one of the few who could appreciate her inimitably
superior gifts and visions of a perfect love. Or to him, you were a sex goddess,
someone who would fulfill his wildest sexual fantasies. Upon first meeting you,
he idealized you and put you up on the highest pedestal, a splendid prize to be
seduced and won over and someone who would fill the emptiness inside,
compensating for all of his shortcomings. His imagination exploded with vibrant
fantasies, such as the two of you walking into a crowded room with you on his
arm and everyone noticing what an incredible man this is who could win over
this woman.
Even as early as the courtship phase, however, you may have noticed that
your partner tended to dominate the conversation a little too often, brag a lot, and
become very animated when talking about himself, and that he always had to get
the better of someone. Start talking about yourself, and he started to look in the
other direction, a process referred to as “glazing over” (Campbell 2005, 68).
For the narcissist, it is all about using you for his own needs while sucking
you dry. The narcissist is a vampire on an endless journey to drain the energy out
of others. He is always hunting for someone to meet his needs, to fill the
emptiness inside, to affirm him as someone who is extraordinary and
incomparable and to pump up his deflated self-esteem. The narcissist needs
someone to applaud her accomplishments, to honor her cleverness; you are a
special type of confidant and one of the few in the world who is capable of
understanding and appreciating her uniqueness. She needs you to join her in
appreciating all the finer things in life, to appreciate her expert tastes in music,
art, fashion, style, and so on. Or he needs you to tell him that he’s the best lover
in the world and that no one could satisfy you the way that he does. Or perhaps
the narcissist just needs a whipping boy, someone to blame and to take out his
frustrations on—someone to take the fall for the emptiness he feels.
When the narcissist finds out that you cannot be his fantasy—no human
being on earth could—he will go back on the hunt, which he really never gave
up. Narcissists are notorious for secretly keeping all their options open; they are
always looking for a better deal, a better relationship. Commitment is anathema.
Better to leave all options open.

Exercise: How Did the Narcissist Use You to Gratify

 Certain Needs?

For the narcissistic romantic partner, it’s always about fulfilling his or her own
needs and little about meeting yours.Check off the needs a narcissistic romantic
partner has sought to gratify through you.

Your partner knew he or she could control you.

Your partner believed your physical appearance would make him or her
look even better.

Your partner needed an audience.

You were simply another one of his or her conquests.

You made your partner feel sexually desirable.

Your partner thought you would fulfill his or her sexual fantasies

Your partner needed someone to criticize and berate.

Your partner believed you could share in his or her superior tastes.

Your partner saw you as an exceptional provider.

Your partner saw you as a trophy husband or wife.

Your partner liked to show you off.

Your partner needed a “special friend” (narcissists have few—if any—

true friends).

Your partner just used you for sex.

Your partner needed you to provide excitement in his or her life (or to
join him or her in pursuing drama and excitement).

If your partner has tried to use you in other ways, please write them in the
space provided:
_____________________
 _____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Exploitation is one of the key symptoms of narcissism; being used and taken
advantage of is one of the hazards of being involved with a narcissist. If your
partner is narcissistic, he will almost always take advantage of you in some way.
If you rebuff these efforts, he will begin to see you as a less viable partner, a
process psychologists call devaluation.

The Process of Devaluation

Soon after the courtship is over, narcissists typically begin to become
disillusioned with their romantic partners. As the relationship progresses and the
narcissist learns more factualinformation about you, he will discover that you are
really only human and not the goddess he initially saw you as. This can be
devastating for the narcissist; you, in all your humanness, will never be able to
be her equal, will never be able to relate to and appreciate his extraordinary type
of genius. The narcissist begins, then, to find fault with you, at first asking you
to “lose a few pounds,” “cut your hair,” “dress more like your girlfriend,” “stop
interrupting me when I speak,” or all of the above. But as time goes on, the
attacks become more long-winded and vitriolic: you are “nothing but a clingy
little child,” “fat, ugly and stupid,” “an embarrassment and are holding me back
from my destiny of fame and fortune,” or “the worst mistake I ever made in my
life.” Or “You disgust me. You’ll hear from my attorneys.” Yup, devaluation can
be a little rough on your self-esteem.
At this point, the narcissist has flipped the switch and turned off his feelings
for you. He may have already found another person to pursue. Narcissists love
the act of seduction, and many will not commit to a relationship, for they are in
love with falling in love—it’s a daily fix—but are incapable of doing the real
work of maintaining a true intimate bond.

Exercise: How Did the Narcissist Devalue You?

Check off the problems below that you have had with a narcissistic romantic
partner after the courtship was over.

Your partner became critical of your physical appearance.

Your partner saw your friends as inferior or low class.

Your partner began to complain about your family members.

Your partner judged your tastes and preferences as second-rate.

Your partner perceived the differences between the two of you as a

problem.

Your partner saw you as an intellectual inferior.

Your partner wanted you to do more for the relationship than he or she
did.

Your partner wanted you to do all of the changing.

Your partner began to find fault with your lovemaking.

Your partner began to make decisions for you.

Your partner told you what type of opinions to have.

Your partner expected you to show deference.

Your partner was critical of the way you dressed.

Your partner did not like the way you behaved in public.

Your partner made unilateral decisions that affected both of you in big
ways, such as where to live or what type of car you should buy.

Your partner began comparing you to former lovers.

Your partner began looking at other attractive women or men.

 Your partner seemed to put other people down a lot as well.

Your partner wouldn’t take responsibility for things he or she said,

claiming something was a joke or denying it entirely.

Your partner developed other relationships that you did not trust as
innocent, for example, “an old friend” contacted on the Internet.

Your partner began to blame others too.

You began to feel intimidated by your partner.

Your partner began to accuse you of things you didn’t do.

Your partner tried to change you into something you weren’t.

You felt you could not live up to your partner’s expectations.

The stings of devaluation can be hurtful, but remember that they are lies used
by the narcissist to maintain his own self-esteem. And remember, it is also a lie
when the narcissist sees you as perfect. It is seductive and intoxicating indeed
when the narcissist puts you up on a pedestal by overvaluing you. But, like any
drug, the hangover of devaluation soon follows. The obvious lesson here might
be not to drink in the overvaluation in the first place.

Female Narcissists in Romantic Relationships

While most narcissists are men, approximately 30 percent are women. And
while the underlying motivations and dynamics of female narcissists are the
same as for men, there are some characteristics specific to female narcissism
worth discussing here.
More often than not, a female narcissist will be physically appealing and
even strikingly beautiful. Throughout her childhood, people most likely told her
how lovely she looked, and right from the start, she felt she was special and
therefore deserving of special treatment. She might have had a “stage mother,”
who promoted the idea that she was someone out of the ordinary and destined
for celebrity and fame. During her school years, she was typically the queen bee,
the beauty with whom all the other girls longed to be friends. But she was also
that mean girl who enlisted sympathizers to torment and denigrate her rivals and
others whom she deemed to be beneath her; a female bully who used words
rather than fists to beat up those she found irritating. In high school, she only
dated the most handsome and admired boys—the football stars and class
presidents—only to become easily bored or disappointed with them: “How dare
he not fall all over me when we were with his new friends?” She would then
move on quickly toward her next conquest, fending off her rivals in new fits of
envy and rage, taking every opportunity to demean them and destroy their
reputations.
In college, she sought out only the most popular students and prestigious
activities, often jumping from one to the next in her desperate search for enough
attention, compliments, pledges of devotion, adulation, and self-worship. She
would swear to her latest beau that the army of male suitors around her was
made up of just friends, while insulting him for his petty jealousies and small-
mindedness.
With an eye toward marriage, she looks for a rising star—perhaps a
narcissist in his own right—who will not only enthrone her in the fervor of his
devotion but who will lay at her feet the riches of the world. Narcissistic wives
fantasize about impressing friends with the beauty of their homes and
possessions: “This gown? Oh, so nice of you to notice. It’s a Michael Kors
original. God bless that man. I so love his use of textures. We met him in
Bangkok—is that correct, Richard, or was it Paris? Paris has gotten soooo
boring.”
As a mother, she has far-fetched expectations of her children. Most likely
recognizing that she hasn’t yet achieved stardom in her own right, she sees her
possibilities through her offspring, who soon find that it is next to impossible to
please her. Ironically, while narcissistic mothers see their children as an
extension of themselves, they often see their daughters as rivals and can become
jealous over the attention their father gives them. Similar to their male
counterparts, narcissistic women can be notoriously moody. They can get very
angry and go into rages if they feel they are losing control. They will become
verbally and even physically abusive to their partner, and they know just how to
cut the other person to the quick.
Finally, as a female narcissist begins to age and lose her youthful beauty, she
will become even more frantic in her self-absorption, searching for ways to
restore her youth: a different gym, more yoga and Pilates, perhaps a new
personal trainer, cosmetic surgery, and maybe a younger lover. She redoubles
her efforts to control those around her, dictating her children’s wedding plans,
for example, or joining a new social club so she can be the president. Old
admirers desert her, exacerbating her loneliness. She can become a chronic
complainer, destroying her few remaining relationships.
 Narcissists As Parents
Narcissistic parenting can be exceptionally devastating, given the vulnerability
and helplessness of small children and the incredible amount of control parents
have over them. Children need to feel free to develop their own identities and to
flourish in their own special way, a task next to impossible when in the shadows
of a self-absorbed parent. The children of narcissistic parents must endure an
entire spectrum of narcissistic symptomatology at a time when their neural
pathways are most impressionable, and as a result, the impact of their parent’s
behavior will forever affect their behavioral, emotional, and thought
patterns.While we believe that anyone involved with a narcissist can benefit
from professional help, adult children of narcissistic parents should most
seriously consider it, particularly for help with intimate relationships, where
toxic narcissistic parenting can have the greatest impact.
The child of a narcissistic parent is often an extension of his parent’s wild
fantasies of success; the parent expects her child to be exceptionally talented and
gifted and to always achieve excellence. As no child can ever really live up to
these fantastic expectations, the children of narcissists tend to suffer from
chronic feelings of low self-esteem and never being quite good enough. The
narcissistic parent will often ridicule and demean the child for his failures,
putting him on a roller-coaster ride of idealization and devaluation—the process
of splitting. The narcissistic parent will often try to keep the child in a one-down
position by reminding the child of her shortcomings: “No man is going to want
you if you don’t start losing weight. When I was your age, I already had seven
boyfriends.” A disappointed narcissistic parent will withhold affection and other
nurturance, constantly offer criticisms and put-downs, and, especially when the
child is older, withhold material resources: this parent will cut a child off in a
heartbeat once the child lets her down. When children confront their parents with
these behaviors, they’re most likely to hear that they are misperceiving the facts
or being overly sensitive. Rarely do the children of narcissists receive adequate
credit for the things they have achieved, while, ironically, their parents will often
brag about how wonderful these children are to their friends and associates.
In addition to personal attacks, the children of narcissists must suffer the
fallout from the inevitable clashes between narcissistic parents and other family
members, conflicts that often include emotional and physical abuse.
 Narcissists in the Workplace
If you are working with a narcissistic coworker or boss, the level of the severity
of the problem will vary depending on how much contact you must have with
that person and how much power and authority he has over you. The rest of this
chapter will discuss some difficult traits that you may find in a narcissist at
work.

The Narcissist Has Star Quality

The narcissistic in the workplace initially impresses others as very
charismatic, authoritative, confident, and entertaining. People are naturally
drawn toward him and the excitement he creates. Coworkers will often talk
about how wonderful or talented he is, even to the point of envy. If he has an
audience, he will launch into long-winded and theatrical monologues so laced
with (faked) noble passion that the listener will think she is listening to Patrick
Henry’s “Give me liberty or give me death” speech. Often, this shooting star
quickly fades, not having the skills or strength of character necessary to really
succeed. Always remember, narcissists live to be admired. The narcissist, seeing
himself as such a wonderful person to work with, might even acknowledge your
admiration and throw you a bone every once in a while. Don’t mistake this for
real friendship.

Exercise: Has a Narcissist in Your Workplace Shown

Star Quality?

List some of the ways a narcissist in your workplace has demonstrated star
quality. Were you attracted to the narcissist because of his or her charisma?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
The Narcissist Is Domineering
A narcissistic coworker will most likely be the one taking over meetings and
advancing her own agendas. Get in her way and she’ll try to run over you. She
will interrupt you, dismiss you, ignore you, and demean you—anything to avoid
having to listen to your concerns. She is a master at one-upmanship and will do
almost anything to get a leg up on the competition, including spreading lies and
rumors, forming malevolent alliances (which can often include befriending an
enemy’s enemies), violating rules that get in her way, taking credit for things she
did not do, and grabbing equipment and resources—such as the best office space
—to enhance her status. If you decide to take this narcissist on, you will have
your hands full. Be prepared for an “I don’t get mad, I get even” attitude. The
effects of these behaviors are magnified when this person is your boss who, by
definition, has more control over your life.

Exercise: Has a Narcissist in Your Workplace Been

Domineering?

List some of the ways the narcissist in your workplace has been domineering.
How do you feel about that now?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________

The Narcissist Lacks Empathy

Usually professing just the opposite (“I feel your pain”), a narcissistic
coworker or boss will be insensitive to your needs. His starting assumption is
that his needs are more important than yours. He will have no desire to fill in for
you when you need him to or give you needed sick time or a vacation-time
preference. He will not appreciate the fact that you are overworked and
underpaid. Your agenda will always be second to his. When the child of a
faculty member was involved in a serious accident and the faculty member had
to cancel her classes in order to rush to the hospital, her narcissistic department
head scolded her, telling her she needed to make a choice between her children
and the university. Want to be respected and treated fairly? Forget about it!

Exercise: Has a Narcissist in Your Workplace Lacked

Empathy?

List some of the ways the narcissist in your workplace has shown a lack of
empathy. How do you feel about that now?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________

The Narcissist Seeks High-Status People, Activities, or Positions The

narcissist loves to bask in the spotlight of admiration. Some narcissists may
indeed be natural leaders if their narcissism is not too bad. But many
narcissists are drawn to high-status positions solely because of the glory it
brings them. Narcissists are drawn to leadership roles, such as labor leader,
department or committee head, or coach of a recreational sports team.
When one narcissistic woman was asked why she applied for the job of shop
steward, she replied, “So I can be the queen and tell people what to do.”
You will see the narcissist sucking up to the real leaders of the organization;
he will make no secret about how he took the big boss out on a golf outing
and, with a wink, “let him win.” Oh, by the way, did he mention that he’s
vacationing with one of the board members?

Exercise: Has a Narcissist in Your Workplace Sought

High Status?
List some of the ways the narcissist in your workplace has been drawn to people,
things, or activities that connoted high status or prestige. How did you or your
coworkers respond?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________

The Narcissist Is a Teacher, Not a Mentor

Self-centered people like to see themselves as being giving and
magnanimous. The narcissist in your workplace may share information with you,
especially if it makes her feel superior to you in some way. She will often
instruct you on how to do things like get around the folks in accounting or work
the company’s new netbooks or tell you where the best eateries are. But once she
has impressed you, her job is over. If you go back for further help or
explanation, she will most likely think that you are a complete idiot for not
having gotten it the first time around.

Exercise: What Has a Narcissist in Your Workplace

Tried to Teach You?

List what the narcissist in your workplace has tried to teach you. Did you feel he
or she was really trying to help you or was just trying to impress you? If you
knew then what you now know, how might have you behaved?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
The Narcissist Demands Special Treatment
The narcissist has an insatiable appetite for special treatment and believes he
is entitled to it. He will demand the best office, the first available and most
desirable vacation times, and the first of the brand-new laptops being issued. He
should be the first to receive any extra monies, supplies, or perks. He will
demand everything that he believes he deserves while stubbornly refusing to
acknowledge the rights and feelings of others. And he’s not afraid to cross legal
or ethical boundaries because, after all, “Aren’t you just one of those bean
counters in accounting?”

Exercise: Has a Narcissist in Your Workplace

Demanded Special Treatment?

List some of the ways the narcissist in your workplace has asked for or received
special treatment. How did you or your coworkers react to this?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________

The Narcissist Has Love-Hate Relationships

If a narcissistic coworker or boss sees you as a person who might be
beneficial to her in some way, she will idealize you and see you as absolutely
wonderful and perfect. (Careful now, you just might believe this. Narcissists
have a wonderful way of tapping into your own sense of self-importance.) She
will covet your friendship. But when you do not live up to that image of
perfection that she has of you, you will become a complete zero in her mind.
This is an example of splitting. Was it because you “betrayed” her by
disagreeing with her at a union meeting? You viper, you!Was it because you
were talking to one of her enemies?Traitor!Why has she been avoiding you
lately? You might never know, for it could have been anything—like just being a
human being.

Exercise: Have the Feelings of a Workplace Narcissist

Changed Dramatically Toward You?

List some instances in which the narcissist’s feelings toward you have vacillated
between love and hate: _____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________

The Narcissist Exploits Others

The narcissist believes he has an inalienable right to whatsoever he desires,
and it is this colossal sense of entitlement—after all, he is so wonderful, gifted,
and special—that allows him to bend or break the rules that are commonly
shared in a corporate setting. When you couple this sense of entitlement with the
narcissist’s ability to captivate and charm, you have a perfect storm wherein the
narcissist will ruthlessly take advantage of others. Rules do not seem to apply to
him; rather, they are for the common folk. He does not respect the personal
rights of others but sees them as obstacles. Narcissists have been known to cheat
on their time sheets, pad their expenses, take credit for the work of others,
sexually exploit coworkers, steal, wantonly disregard the duties and obligations
that are part of their job description, and, in general, have the unalterable
conviction that they deserve much more than they have been getting.
When a narcissistic manager took advantage of his incredibly young and
impressionable secretary by having a series of sexual escapades with her, his
own administrator asked him how he could be so callous. His reply was “Believe
me, she got the better of the deal.” That kind of sums it all up, doesn’t it?

Exercise: Have You Been Exploited by a Narcissist in

Your Workplace?
 Your Workplace?

List how you have been exploited by a narcissistic coworker or boss. What were
your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors during those times?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________

The Narcissist Trolls for Validation

The narcissistic coworker typically walks around with a huge hole inside that
she is always trying to fill: every day she searches in desperation for a fix of
supplies to boost her self-esteem. For example, being relatively devoid of
anything very original of her own to contribute, she is always looking to steal
ideas from her colleagues. Perhaps it is someone else’s idea to improve
management-employee relationships or a new idea for the design of an employee
manual. It could be insider information, by which she can scoop the other
gossips in the organization, or a well-turned phrase she can pass off as her own.
It could be a new advertising campaign or ways to improve distribution—
anything to make her look special.
The narcissist will need emotional validation as well. He needs to be told he
is sexy, brilliant, superior to others, and an irreplaceable employee. You’ll hear
him say, “Hey, how much did you love how I put Frank in his place today?” Or
“Bet this place never saw numbers like mine before, huh?” Or “What’s a guy to
do when he’s so irresistible to women?” He’s always on the prowl.

Exercise: What Validation Does the Narcissist in Your

Workplace Seek?

List some instances in which a narcissistic coworker or boss has sought

validation from you. What was your reaction?
_____________________
 _____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
The preceding exercises were designed to show you how narcissistic
tendencies can make someone a handful to deal with at work. Were you able to
identify certain of these tendencies in your narcissistic coworker or boss? Now
that you recognize these qualities, do you feel differently toward this person or
toward yourself?
At this point, we hope that you have been able to identify the narcissistic
tendencies that are in your relationship, whether the narcissist you know is
someone close to you or someone you work with. The next chapter looks
specifically at how the narcissist in your life affects you; it also gives specific
strategies for managing these incredibly self-centered people.
Chapter 4
 How the Narcissist Affects You
The goal of this chapter is to help you examine how you react to the narcissist in
your life. You need to understand your own reactions before you can figure out
how to respond differently. First, here are a couple of stories about people who
are dealing with a narcissist in their lives. As you read their stories, try to
imagine how these people might be feeling. What emotions arise? Do these
responses remind you of your own?

Cindy’s Story

Cindy has been working for Veronica for the past two years at a retail
clothing manufacturer. At first, Cindy was impressed by Veronica’s ability
to handle herself in a variety of situations with both clients and employees,
but she soon began to see her in a different light. This first occurred when
Cindy came up with an idea for how to cut down on employee absenteeism,
suggesting that she and her coworkers submit requests for their preferred
days off prior to the work schedule coming out. Apparently, this plan was
highly successful for both the employees and the company. A few months
afterward, however, Cindy learned from one of the district managers that
Veronica had not only taken credit for Cindy’s suggestion but also received
a pretty substantial bonus. Cindy was outraged. She made hints to
Veronica, hoping that Veronica would admit to having stolen Cindy’s idea,
but Veronica never did. Cindy became totally exasperated and one day
confronted Veronica about what she had heard. Veronica replied that she
never recalled having such a conversation with Cindy about the work
schedule and that it was her own idea. Again, Cindy was outraged. As if to
add insult to injury, the following week Cindy found out from the district
manager that she was being demoted and transferred to another store that
was a forty-mile commute from her home.

Jean’s Story

Jean and her sister Marilyn were quite close growing up, probably because
they were only two years apart. When Marilyn, the younger of the two, went
 they were only two years apart. When Marilyn, the younger of the two, went
off to college, Jean resented that Marilyn was given the opportunity to go
away to school whereas she’d had to work and go to the local community
college. Marilyn always acted very haughty and arrogant and felt she was
better than Jean and her mother, yet Marilyn had always been her mother’s
favorite. When Jean and Marilyn’s father had died when they were still in
high school, their mother had come to rely on Jean even more for help with
household chores as well as paying the bills and keeping the finances in
order. Once Marilyn had graduated from college, she got a high-paying job
in a Manhattan bank and would only visit her mother and Jean on
occasion. When her mother was diagnosed with cancer, it was Jean who
took her to the oncologist and to her radiation treatments and made sure
she received the best care possible. Marilyn was so busy with her job that
she only came to visit her mother once after she was diagnosed. Was it any
surprise that Marilyn was left just about everything in her mother’s will,
including the house, the car, and her mother’s jewelry, while Jean was
given a few pieces of furniture? Naturally, Marilyn felt that she was entitled
to everything and promptly sold the house and other valuables to purchase
a condo in Aspen.
These two situations illustrate how difficult it can be to keep your emotional
bearings when dealing with a narcissist. We are personally aware of situations
where people have quit their jobs, cut off all contact with family members, or
even bought voodoo dolls as a means of breaking off contact with a narcissist
who has made their lives miserable. And what often makes matters worse is that
the narcissist will either have no idea of how offensive his behavior has been or
will feel entitled to act the way he does because he thinks he is special.
 How People Respond Emotionally to Narcissists
Although there are many variations, there are three main ways that most people
tend to respond emotionally to narcissists. Most reactions can be grouped into
the following categories:

Here are some stories illustrating these responses in action: Marci’s Story
Marci and David have been married for three years. Marci is a third-grade
teacher and really loves her work and the children she teaches. David is an
up-and-coming assistant district attorney. David constantly puts Marci
down, picking on her about the way she dresses and about the high school
and college friends she keeps in touch with. David never misses a chance to
remind Marci that he makes more money than she does and that his job is
more important than hers. Marci resents David’s put-downs, but she has
learned not to pay much attention to him when he is being critical. What
has really infuriated Marci, however, is David’s flirtatiousness with his
female colleagues. One of her friends told her that she’d seen David out to
dinner with one of these women when he was supposedly “working late.”
One evening, Marci decided to follow David when he was leaving the office
and found him with one of these “colleagues,” kissing in front of a
neighborhood restaurant. Marci took a golf club from the trunk of her car
and smashed out the windshield of David’s new car.

Jim’s Story

Jim has worked for Sandra for the past four years. Sandra is the rising star
of their corporation because of her sales numbers, which broke all
corporate records. No one was surprised when she was promoted to vice-
corporate records. No one was surprised when she was promoted to vice-
president of the sales department…no one except for Jim. A friend of his,
who had worked for Sandra at her former employer, told Jim that Sandra
had stolen away several clients and had racked up high sales numbers by
cashing in on the clients she stole. Since being promoted, Sandra has been
totally out of control. She treats Jim as if he were a piece of dirt, constantly
criticizing him for every little thing he does. She accused him of padding his
expense accounts and not keeping up with sales calls. Jim felt disparaged
and maligned. At one point, when Jim went to speak with Sandra’s boss, he
was told that everyone thinks she is doing a wonderful job “whipping the
sales force into shape” and that he should “either get on board or look for
work elsewhere.” Jim felt even more humiliated and dejected and regretted
having spoken out.

Christine’s Story

Christine has been dating Jon for a couple of years. She remembers how
impressed she was with him in the beginning of their relationship and how
he would buy her expensive gifts and take her to fancy restaurants. After the
first few months of their relationship, though, Christine noticed that Jon
would become very short-tempered with her over little things. If she asked
him if something were bothering him, Jon would just yell at her more.
These temper outbursts continued to escalate to the point were Jon would
threaten to hurt Christine. In response, Christine found herself watching
everything she did or said but eventually felt there was “no pleasing Jon,”
for no matter how attentive or affectionate she was, there was no way to
keep him from going into these fits of rage.

Suzanne’s Story

Suzanne is twenty-eight years old, single, and quite successful in her

career, yet whenever she gets around her mother, she feels like she is seven
years old again. Suzanne remembers from her childhood that her mother
was incredibly self-centered, both in how she treated her father and in how
she treated her younger sister and herself. Suzanne can recall thinking that
“everything always revolves around Mom.” Suzanne dreaded the
Christmas holidays, when her mother would come down with her
traditional holiday migraines so that she could avoid doing anything
 traditional holiday migraines so that she could avoid doing anything
around the house to prepare for Christmas. Suzanne’s father would do all
the cooking, cleaning, and wrapping of presents. The same was true when
they would go on summer vacation. Suzanne’s mother was always
preoccupied with her girlfriends at the club. Later, as an adult, Suzanne
learned that her mother was having an affair, which really didn’t surprise
her. After her father died, Suzanne found herself being her mother’s
confidante and caretaker, a role she was reluctant to take on. At times she
becomes infuriated at her mother, but she always feels guilty afterward for
what she has said and returns to her caretaker role. The few times that
Suzanne has become involved in serious dating relationships, her mother
has found ways to sabotage them, by feigning illnesses when Suzanne has
made plans to go out or wanted to go away for a romantic weekend.
Suzanne has resigned herself to the fact that she will never have a life of
her own as long as her mother is still alive.
In these stories, you can see how Marci, Jim, Christine, and Suzanne try to
manage the narcissists in their lives. Marci is brought to the point of anger,
frustration, and eventually rage by David’s egocentric, philandering behavior,
while Jim exemplifies those who are made to feel dejected and humiliated.
Christine demonstrates what psychologists refer to as “learned helplessness”
(Walker 2000), as she has come to the point of apathy about her relationship
with Jon, knowing that there’s nothing she can do or say to make it better.
It is also possible for you to respond differently depending on your nature,
how you’re feeling at the time, or what behavior you’re responding to. For
example, the type of philandering that Marci was enraged by might instead
provoke a sense of apathy or detachment in someone else. Similarly, the type of
put-downs to which Jim was subjected might provoke frustration or anger in
someone else. Suzanne demonstrates how a person may go from one feeling to
the next, from anger and frustration to guilt and even apathy, as she attempts to
deal with an overbearing, narcissistic parent. What is common in all four
scenarios is that narcissists have a unique talent for getting a rise out of those
who come into contact with them.
Living with or being involved in a relationship with a narcissist over time
can change how you think and react in different types of situations. This next
exercise can help you see the extent to which this is happening in your life.

Exercise: How Do You Change in Response to the

Narcissist in Your Life?
 Narcissist in Your Life?

For each of the following statements, check off whether the situation described
rarely, sometimes, often, or always happens to you.

1. You find yourself taking a backseat to the narcissist’s wishes or desires,

thereby forgoing your own.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

2. When something goes wrong, the narcissist blames you for whatever the
problem may be, and as a resul1t, you are apprehensive and on guard
about making mistakes.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

3. You find yourself hiding your own feelings or thoughts because the
narcissist usually discounts your opinions or how you feel.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

4. You find that the narcissist uses your creativity, energy, or ideas for his
or her own gain or will have you do things that he or she dislikes doing.
 As a resul1t, you find yourself being emotionally withholding or
distancing in the relationship.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

5. You find yourself needing to bolster the narcissist’s ego or offer

reassurance. You will express admiration even when you don’t want to.
This makes you feel resentful.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

6. You avoid asking things of the narcissist because you’re afraid that
you’ll be told you’re being selfish or demanding.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

7. You forgo making plans to do things for yourself because you feel you’re
at the narcissist’s beck and call.

rarely happens

sometimes happens
 often happens

always happens

8. You find yourself needing to defend the narcissist to others when they
criticize him or her.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

9. You find yourself avoiding social engagements with the narcissist

because you’re afraid you may be embarrassed by what the narcissist
may say or do.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

10. You avoid social events with the narcissist because of how the narcissist
treats you when you’re around other people, and you don’t want to feel
humiliated.

rarely happens

sometimes happens

often happens

always happens

Now take at look at your responses to the questions. If you’ve responded

“often happens” or “always happens” to more than six of these questions, then
you probably are being stressed by your relationship with a narcissist. It’s likely
you find yourself questioning whether the relationship will ever be an equal
partnership or whether your needs will ever be met.
The next exercise will help you start a journal of your responses and
reactions to various situations that may arise daily with the narcissist in your life.

Exercise: Keeping Track of Your Responses

Start by looking at the past week. Think of situations in which the narcissist in
your life may have done things that set you off. Indicate what the situation was
and then whether your emotional response was one of the following:
angry/resentful, denigrated/intimidated, or apathetic/detached. If you didn’t have
any contact with that person on a particular day, simply state “no contact.”

Now, over the coming week, keep another daily journal of situations in
which the narcissist sets you off. Again document what happened with the
narcissist and how you responded.
 Now look at your lists for both weeks. Is there anything you notice about the
types of situations you find yourself reacting to? Is there anything you notice
about how you usually find yourself reacting? For example, do you find yourself
usually feeling angry and resentful, or denigrated and intimidated, or apathetic
and detached? List what you’ve noticed about your reactions:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
If you could change anything about the way you react or respond to the
narcissist, what would it be? Often therapists ask their clients to try something
different or to try a little experiment in order to see if it changes the pattern of
their interactions with the narcissist. Remember: Don’t expect the narcissist to
change.

Exercise: Reconsidering Your Response

Take any of the situations that you responded to and consider how you might
have responded differently to that situation. Remember, in some instances
changing how you respond may mean not responding at all. Linda Martinez-
Lewi (2008) talks about the art of practicing restraint, which means that at times
you may decide not to respond to narcissistic behavior, such as tirades or put-
downs. Describe below how you may want to respond differently to the
narcissist: _____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
 Moving Beyond Codependence
You’re probably familiar with the concept of codependency. It was originally
applied to those who live and cope with someone who has an active addiction
(for example, to alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or shopping). Simply put, the
addict focuses his life around his drug of choice or addictive behavior while the
codependent focuses his life around the addicted person. Most experts agree that
codependency is a learned behavior that originates from having grown up in a
dysfunctional family in which family life focuses on the person with the
addiction (Beattie 1987, 1989). Although many professionals consider
codependency to be a disease, in much the same way as addiction can be viewed
as a disease, other professionals consider codependency to be an attempt to cope
with a situation that has become maladaptive, dysfunctional, or intolerable.
Similarly, living with a narcissist can create maladaptive, dysfunctional, and
intolerable situations—and codependent behaviors.

What Does It Mean to Be Codependent?

Codependent reactions to a narcissistic spouse, partner, family member, or
even boss or coworker are quite common. Very similar to living with or working
with an addict or alcoholic, living or working with a narcissist often leaves
people caught in the web of caring for a person whose life may be spinning out
of control (while to the outside world the narcissist may appear to really have it
all together).
So what does it mean to be codependent? Codependents will typically do the
following:

put others’ needs before their own

have trouble defining their feelings, wants, and needs

feel guilty if not taking care of someone else

find it difficult to accept compliments or gifts

be in relationships in which they are treated abusively

do anything to keep the relationship going

 look to others for reassurance even if they know they are right

have difficulty completing projects because time is usurped by others

think they are not worthwhile or lovable

do more than their fair share in relationships

try to please others at their own expense

be attracted to needy people

have difficulty making decisions without a lot of reassurance

feel tired or exhausted most of the time because of taking care of others

The following exercise will help you determine if codependency is an issue

in your relationship.

Exercise: Could You Be Codependent?

Simply respond to each statement by checking off “mostly true” or “mostly

false” to describe your relationship with the narcissist in your life, or with other
people.
 If you answered “mostly true” to five or more of these statements, then
chances are you may be codependent. Again, we cannot stress too strongly the
idea that codependent reactions are common when dealing with people who
manifest a great deal of unmanageability or dysfunction in their lives.
Have you taken on a codependent coping style to deal with living or working
with someone with narcissistic traits? List any examples you can think of:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
 Putting Things into Perspective
Before moving on, there are a couple of things you need to take into account.
First, narcissists don’t wear signs announcing to the world that they are
narcissistic. So it’s not unusual to get taken in by a narcissist if you meet her
socially or on the job. It’s easy to be flattered by the attention the narcissist
shows you. In other words, don’t be hard on yourself for being in the clutches of
a narcissist. Typically narcissists are quite skilled at reading people and creating
a good first impression. This is one of the reasons why in work settings they rise
to positions of power so quickly. This is also why in intimate relationships the
interaction usually starts off very well. You may feel great about the attention or
expressions of affection you’re receiving, but most often these interactions turn
sour within a sometimes-brief period. So again, don’t blame yourself for getting
sucked into a relationship with a narcissist. You’re in good company.
One of the common elements to most relationships with narcissists is that
they often start off being very exciting and satisfying, but over time, as the
narcissist becomes more demanding, the balance of the relationship shifts.
Sometimes this shift may be dramatic; at other times it may be subtle.

Exercise: How Has Your Relationship Changed?

Answer the following questions to see how your relationship with the narcissist
has changed over time.
What was your relationship like in the beginning, when you first met?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
What was your relationship like at six months?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
What was your relationship like at one year?
_____________________
 _____________________
_____________________
How has your relationship changed since then?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
At what point did you feel your relationship had changed dramatically?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
By now you should have a good understanding of narcissism and narcissistic
personality traits. You’ve learned about the different subtypes of narcissists and
about some of the contemporary theories for what causes narcissism. You have
identified the narcissistic traits in your partner, friend, family member, or
coworker and also examined how you may have responded to this narcissistic
behavior. In part 2, you will learn some strategies for change.
 PART 2

PRACTICAL STRATEGIES
Chapter 5
 Understanding What You Can and
Cannot Change
The rest of this book focuses on helping you develop new strategies for
managing the narcissist in your life. You are probably eager to get started, since
the strategies that you’ve used before have not worked very well. But before you
go any further, it’s important to have realistic expectations of what you can and
cannot change.
 Things You Cannot Change
First off, what you are least likely to change is the narcissist himself. You
shouldn’t expect the narcissist in your life to change for your sake, and for a
number of reasons, narcissists are typically unlikely to change on their own.

Narcissists Do Not Understand They Are Narcissists

One of the reasons that narcissists are unlikely to change is that they don’t
understand they are narcissists. They lack self-insight. They don’t see
themselves the way others see them, and they don’t understand how disturbing
their behaviors are to others.
It’s widely accepted that teenagers will often behave narcissistically and that
the teen years may be a trying time for parents. Luckily, most teenagers outgrow
their narcissistic behavior as they begin to develop a deeper sense of empathy for
others. Those who don’t, however, will become adults who have the same sense
of self-entitlement and lack of empathy. A narcissist may feel he is being
empathic by stepping over the homeless person on the sidewalk and not stepping
on him. Similarly, if you ask a narcissist to change a behavior that bothers you,
he will lack the empathy to respond constructively.
Note that someone with full-blown NPD is going to be more difficult and
resistant to change than someone who displays only intermittent episodes of
egocentric behavior. Luckily, the strategies in this workbook can be applied to
anyone who displays narcissistic traits.
Lack of self-insight is a trait that people with personality disorders have in
common, and it’s a problem that all narcissists share, to a greater or lesser
extent. This lack of insight only serves to fuel the narcissistic behavior. There
may be moments where a narcissist comes face-to-face with his behavior, but
these moments are fleeting. Such a moment of truth was well-portrayed in a
Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza attends a child’s birthday party given
by the woman he is dating. At one point, the stove in the apartment catches on
fire, and George pushes all the children, the other adults, and even the child’s
grandmother out of the way so that he can save his own skin (a truly narcissistic
behavior). When questioned by the firemen as to what took place and why he
was the first one out of the apartment, George launches into a lengthy
rationalization about how it was his responsibility to “lead the way” for the
others to escape. At this point, the clown who was providing the entertainment
for the children’s party turns to George and says, “Man, how do you live with
yourself?” and George responds, “It’s not easy.” Moments of such insight are
usually rare in the life of a narcissist. Instead, the narcissist is usually well
defended, and self-insight is missing.

Narcissists Are Unlikely to Change

Another characteristic common to all personality disorders that makes
change difficult for the narcissist is that these personality traits are often of a
long-standing nature and are therefore neither transient nor easily changed.
Imagine changing from being right-handed to left-handed. Imagine if you were a
political conservative all your adult life and then tried to change to become a
liberal (or vice versa). So too, for the narcissist, it’s almost incomprehensible to
envision change. Neither would she see the necessity for change. For example,
in the aftermath of a relationship breakup or even a marital separation, a
narcissist would probably enter counseling only if court ordered or forced into
itand, even then, would likely present herself as the victim or injured party, as if
to say, “How could he or she have done this to me?” The narcissist is unlikely to
enter counseling to examine how her behavior may have contributed to the
relationship’s demise.

Why Therapy or Counseling May Not Help

Did you ever hear the old joke “How many therapists does it take to change a
lightbulb?” Answer: “One, but the lightbulb must really want to change.”
Psychotherapy and counseling are effective for people who truly want to
change. Truth be told, therapy is less effective or ineffective with people who
want no part of change, and this is as true for narcissists as it is for anyone
entering counseling. In instances where people are court mandated into
psychotherapy or counseling, it seems the best we can do as counselors is to
whet their appetite for change or try to tip the balance for those who may be
ambivalent about change. Some people truly have to hit bottom before they will
even begin to consider the notion that it’s they who need to change, not those
around them. This difficulty is commonly seen with alcoholics and drug addicts,
who often must hit bottom before they can begin to see that it is their drinking or
use of drugs that’s creating the problems in their lives and relationships.
It’s commonly believed that counseling alone will remedy any self-absorbed
and egocentric behavior. Parents often feel that if they can just get their
belligerent teenager to go for counseling, she will be able to talk out her anger.
Similarly, many spouses of narcissists believe that if they can just get their mate
to go to counseling, it will turn him into a compassionate, empathic human
being. Here’s the glitch: the narcissist must be a willing participant in the
process of therapy or counseling in order for it to work.
A partner’s willingness to enter counseling can be a positive step, but if that
partner is not genuinely interested in change, he won’t change. For example, it is
an accepted practice not to treat couples when battering is present in the
relationship. The reason is that the batterer will often use things the partner
reveals in counseling as a further excuse to batter. We also don’t mean to imply
that all narcissists are evil, cruel, and calculating. The point is that therapeutic
change begins with motivation and a willingness to confront uncomfortable
things about oneself. Unfortunately, narcissism often works against the narcissist
when it comes to truly benefiting from therapy, as is illustrated in the following
case.

Charles’s Story

Charles sought out counseling at the advice of his secretary because of

problems he was having in his five-year relationship with Susan. Charles’s
secretary had become tired of hearing about all his problems, the constant
breakups and reconciliations. Charles was basically a user, and this was
evident in how he treated his staff and how he treated Susan. It seemed that
his relationship with Susan would go along fine as long as Susan did
precisely what Charles wanted. At one point, Charles broke up with Susan
because she wanted to spend time with her brother over the holidays and
refused to stay home with Charles, who only wanted to watch football.
Another time Charles broke up with Susan because she took too long to get
ready when they were going out for dinner. None of these issues ever got
resolved because Charles always felt that he was right and Susan was
wrong or being unreasonable. For the first few months of couples
counseling, Charles worked tirelessly trying to convince the therapist to
agree with him that Susan was being unreasonable. Charles was unable to
see his role in these arguments or to consider Susan’s point of view. It took
a lot of skill and a great deal of patience on the therapist’s part to help
Charles view these issues from Susan’s perspective rather than just his
own. However, Charles would only do this begrudgingly as a means of
getting Susan to come back to him.
 getting Susan to come back to him.
In many instances, those living or working with narcissists will take the
approach that if they are patient enough or loving enough or smart enough, they
will be able to change the narcissist or that they will eventually win the
narcissist’s love or approval. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
It’s also understandable how you can get caught up in what we call “the
Ebenezer Scrooge myth.” In the story of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol, Ebenezer
Scrooge goes through an incredible transformation from being nasty and miserly
to affable and generous over the course of one night after being visited by the
spirits of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. What is so appealing about this
story is that Scrooge is able to make a miraculous change after seeing himself
from a different perspective. Many believe that therapy works in this way, that if
the therapist is skilled enough and smart enough, a miraculous change will
occur. In some instances, miraculous changes in therapy are possible; this is
most evident with alcoholics and addicts who go through an amazing
transformation when they truly embrace recovery. By and large, however, such
changes, whether they be with narcissists or addicts, are unfortunately few and
far between and are rarely as dramatic as what Dickens portrayed. Instead, the
work of therapy is often a lengthy and arduous process.

Exercise: Looking at Your Expectations

Check off any of the following statements that may apply to you:

You sometimes think that you can change the narcissist.

You have tried to change the narcissist’s behavior or attitudes.

You believe that you can change the narcissist’s behavior or attitudes.

You believe that if you love the narcissist enough, he or she will change.

You believe that if you accept the narcissist, he or she will change.

You believe that the narcissist is capable of change and eventually will
change.

You believe that the narcissist will grow out of how he or she is.
 You believe that if you do exactly what the narcissist wants, you can win
his or her love or approval.

Take a look at the statements that you checked off. What does this list tell
you about yourself and how you’ve been approaching your narcissist? Again,
many people believe that if only they can figure out the right thing to say or do,
the narcissist in their lives will change. We began to call this “the pork chop
theory” after we heard the following story.

Jim’s Story

Jim was a twenty-eight-year-old who was referred to the local mental

health counseling center by the courts. Jim was unemployed and had been
living in the basement of his mother’s home since he’d dropped out of his
classes at the local community college. Jim had never held a steady job. He
worked intermittently during the summer helping a friend of his who owned
a landscaping business. Other than that, Jim would browbeat his mother
when he needed money for cigarettes or to go out to a bar. In one incident,
when his mother refused to give him money, Jim began smashing things
around the house, and a neighbor called the police. One afternoon, Jim’s
mother called the counseling center and left a message for Jim’s counselor
that he had threatened to hit her if she didn’t give him money to go out with
his friends. She explained that she couldn’t understand Jim’s outburst given
that she had just cooked his favorite pork chop dinner.
Jim’s mother was operating under the belief that if she did nice things for
Jim (like cooking him his favorite dinner), he would reciprocate by being nice to
her and not demanding more money or threatening her. The problem with this
reasoning is that Jim was incapable of reciprocity. It’s tempting to believe that
by being nice to narcissists or by placating them, they will be kind or
compassionate in return. However, many narcissists, and especially those with
NPD, are often incapable of reciprocity. In a similar vein, it would be
unreasonable to expect a narcissist to take care of you physically or emotionally
when you’re hurting or to view your needs as being worthy of the her attention.
Hopefully, you’ve reached the conclusion that it’s impossible to change
other people and that you can only change yourself. However, it’s normal to
want to change others, especially the narcissist in your life.
 Exercise: How Have You Attempted to Change the
Narcissist in Your Life?

Below are three columns. In the first column, make a list of all those things
you’ve wished your narcissist would change about himself or herself. In the
second column, write down the things you did to try to change or to motivate
your narcissist to change (such as nagging, threatening, rewarding, punishing, or
giving ultimatums). Then in the third column, write down the outcome.

It is not unusual for people who aren’t narcissistic to feel responsible for
changing the narcissist in their life, and they will go to great lengths to try to
bring about positive changes. It’s normal to think that with a lot of effort, care,
or love, you will be able to bring about the changes you’ve wanted or dreamed
about.
Indeed, there may be times when your narcissist does seem responsive, when
he does pay attention to your needs, or when she does make you feel special.
These rewards may inspire you to continue trying to change the narcissist.
Again, we’re not saying that all narcissists are evil, horrible people who set out
every day to make your life miserable. Many have admirable qualities. The final
exercise in this section will let you look at what you admire about the narcissist.

Exercise: What Do You Admire About the Narcissist?

Think about some of the things you may admire about the narcissist. List some
of those traits, characteristics, or behaviors. Also think of recent situations in
which he or she may have done something you appreciated.
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Look over your list. It is precisely these admirable traits and positive
situations that often make it more difficult for you to realistically assess your
relationship and the likelihood that the narcissist in your life is capable of
change.
 Things You Can Change
The key to improving your relationship with the narcissist is to look at what you
can change about your own reactions. You can do the following: shed your
denial about the narcissist and how he affects you; stop thinking that the
narcissist’s behavior is about you; detach with love; and take better care of
yourself.

Shed Your Denial

It’s common for people who are dealing with narcissists to be taken in by
their charisma, their charm, their seemingly high self-confidence and high self-
esteem, and their ability to work the crowd. In other words, it’s easy to be in
denial as to what you’re dealing with. We knew of a narcissistic physician who
acted one way with his patients, another way with his office staff, a totally
different way with colleagues, and yet a totally different way with his family.
Most of his patients loved him and would sing his praises, although there were a
few patients who saw beneath his veneer of caring and empathy and saw him
more as a windbag who only wanted to talk about himself, his exotic scuba
diving trips, and golf vacations. The patients who loved him also felt that this
physician was there for them when they had a problem or an emergency. His
office staff basically hated him. He treated them abusively and yelled at them for
minor mistakes (which were often his own). Although some of his colleagues
saw him as a highly competent physician, most of his colleagues disliked his
constant one-upmanship; they disliked that he always had to be right or get the
last word in a debate or argument. Many colleagues would refuse to refer
patients to him for this very reason, yet some of the nursing staff felt he could
walk on water and praised him for his caring bedside manner. His wife and kids
saw him as an absentee husband and father who took a “do as I say, not as I do”
approach to most situations.
So you can see how easy it is to be in denial about the narcissist, depending
on what type of contact you have with this person or how involved you are with
his life. It’s important to recognize the narcissist for who he is. Once you do this,
you will be in a better position to evaluate what you need and what you are not
getting in the relationship.

Understand That Narcissism Is Not About You

 Again, many people get caught in the trap of thinking that they are to blame
for the narcissist’s behavior or inability to love others. They may subscribe to the
belief that if they loved her more, or if they did exactly what he wanted, the
narcissist would eventually come around and be able to love or be there for
them. The point is worth repeating: You didn’t cause it.
You can’t change it.
You can’t control it.
Once you grasp this, you will have made a major change in your approach to the
narcissistic behavior.
Remember, though, that narcissists are quite adept at pushing blame for their
behavior onto others. Given their hidden low self-esteem, they have difficulty
accepting responsibility when things go wrong or don’t go precisely as they
planned. You have to be vigilant about not blaming yourself when the narcissist
tries to blame you.

Detach with Love

Detaching with love is a concept that originated in Al-Anon: that you could
detach from an alcoholic’s behavior and attitudes while not shutting the person
out completely or shutting off your love for him. Detachment is naturally much
more difficult to carry out in daily life than it sounds. First you must be able and
willing to identify narcissistic behavior in the other person (such as when she is
acting arrogant, haughty, or entitled, or is demanding special treatment or
attention). Second, you must be able to accept that these behaviors and attitudes
are part of narcissism. Third, you must be willing to accept the fact that this is
part of the narcissist’s nature. This would be similar to the spouse of an alcoholic
who instead of trying to figure out why the alcoholic just went on a three-day
binge would accept that this is what alcoholics do: they drink.
Since detachment is easier said than done, it may be useful to provide you
with a few examples of what detachment from a narcissist might sound like.
Here are some sample dialogues, starting with what a narcissist might say to you
and followed by how you might respond in a more detached way.
Narcissist: Can’t you do anything right? I’m always stuck doing everything
around here!
You: I guess you’re right, I’m not perfect.
Narcissist: (Talks while standing in line at a restaurant.) I can’t believe we’re
not being seated right away. Didn’t you make the reservations?
You: Yes, I made them for 7:00 p.m. Maybe you should make the reservations
next time instead of me.
Narcissist: I can’t believe we’re lost again. It’s your fault!
You: I don’t feel I’m to blame. Let’s stop someplace so you can ask for
directions from someone.
Narcissist: You always take too long to get ready when we go out. I’ve had it.
You: Maybe you should go on ahead of me since you’re ready, and I’ll meet you
there.
Narcissist: You should give me the $100 so I can go out with my friends. You
owe it to me.
You: Sorry. I don’t have the money to loan to you right now.

Exercise: Practicing Detachment

Now take some examples from your own life. What are some things the
narcissist might say to you, and how you might respond in a more detached
way?
Narcissist: ___________
Your response: ___________
_____________________
Narcissist: ___________
Your response: ___________
_____________________
In staying detached, you’re neither accepting the blame that the narcissist
may be trying to heap on you nor reacting defensively. The detached person, in
effect, is saying, “Since you believe you’re always right and I’m always wrong,
there’s really no point in arguing with you, is there?” Detaching with love
doesn’t mean you have to become robotic and unfeeling or uncaring; it simply
means that you’re no longer reacting to narcissistic behavior or attitudes.
Take Better Care of Yourself
Most people who are in the clutches of a narcissist often find themselves
waiting for some payoff that never seems to be forthcoming. Narcissists are
more often so absorbed with themselves and their own agendas that they never
seem to get around to making good on commitments. Whether it be the
narcissistic boss who promises his employee a raise or the narcissistic parent
who promises to show up at her child’s school play or the narcissistic friend who
doesn’t show up for a lunch date, the theme is similar: the narcissist fails to
deliver.
You can’t make the narcissist come through for you, but what you can do is
take better care of yourself. An employee working for a narcissistic boss learns
to take care of herself or to get her needs met elsewhere. Kids who grow up with
a narcissistic parent learn to find other adults they can count on. Having a friend
who is a narcissist is often like not having a friend at all. Taking better care of
yourself can begin with a lowering of your expectations of this person.
You can begin to take better care of yourself by looking at other ways to get
your needs met. Who are the people you can count on? Are there ways you can
treat yourself better rather than continue to expect something that your narcissist
may not be able or willing to give?

Exercise: Treating Yourself Better

Make a list of people in your life who you feel you can count on:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Now make a list of things you can do to treat yourself better or ways to get
your needs met without having to rely on the narcissist in your life:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
 Great job! You’ve just begun to emancipate yourself from narcissistic
behavior.
 Lowered Expectations or Reasonable Expectations?
You’ve probably heard the colloquial definition of insanity: when you do the
same thing but expect a different result. It may be nuts to expect a narcissist to
change when the result is always disappointment, but this is all too often what
people close to a narcissist continue to do. It’s easy to get caught up in the
expectation that the narcissist can be different or that he will change. As
discussed earlier, this is partially due to the fact that at times a narcissist will
seem to muster some degree of empathy or warmth or what appear to be loving
feelings, but usually these moments either are short-lived or represent feigned
behaviors.
As you embark on the challenge of changing yourself and your approach to
the narcissist in your life, here are some recommendations for keeping things in
perspective:

1. Don’t expect the narcissist to change.

2. Don’t expect genuine warmth or love from the narcissist.

3. Don’t expect praise or appreciation from the narcissist.

4. Don’t expect the narcissist to support you (especially in times of need) or

to support your progress.

5. Expect that the narcissist will try to take advantage of you or exploit you.

6. Expect your narcissist to go to any lengths to build herself up, even if it

means belittling you, criticizing you, or putting you down.

7. Expect the narcissist to assume you will treat him as special or unique.

As you contemplate these recommendations, consider whether you will be

able to apply each in your daily life. The exercise that follows will help you
examine what you can or cannot change.

Exercise: Assessing Your Expectations

The following seven questions will help you to better understand your
expectations regarding the previous seven recommendations.

What would it mean to let go of the idea that the narcissist might be
willing or able to change?

_____________________
_____________________
What would it be like for you to accept the notion that the narcissist may
not be capable of genuine warmth or love? (Remember, narcissists are
often unable to love others.)

_____________________
_____________________
What would it be like for you to continue to go without praise or
appreciation from the narcissist? (Remember, no matter how much you
do, or how well you do it, the narcissist will take you for granted.)

_____________________
_____________________
What would it be like for you to accept the idea that your narcissist will
ignore your needs (especially during times when you are hurting) and
won’t support your progress or growth? (Remember, for narcissists it
only matters if it’s about their goals.)

_____________________
_____________________
What would it be like for you to refuse to be taken advantage of or
exploited by the narcissist? (Remember, narcissists see nothing wrong
with taking advantage of others. They feel entitled to do so.)

_____________________
_____________________
What would it be like to refuse to be belittled, criticized, or put down by
the narcissist? (Remember, narcissists often struggle with their own
feelings of inferiority, so disparaging you may be an attempt by the
narcissist to build up himself or herself.)

_____________________
_____________________
What would it be like to treat yourself as special or unique? (Remember,
narcissists often expect a great deal from others, and when what they
expect is not forthcoming, they can get very angry and resentful.)

_____________________
_____________________
This exercise can tell you a lot about the changes you may or may not
be able and willing to make. Do you need to lower your expectations or
develop a set of more appropriate expectations based upon what you can
and cannot change? Think about it.
Change happens gradually. It may be hard to see the positive results
of your efforts right away. Sometimes it can help to visualize how
change may look in the future. Doing so can help you see how things will
be different and how differently you will feel in response to the changes
that you are making.

Exercise: Visualizing Change by Letting Go

Read through the following visualization and then close your eyes and
imagine yourself in the picture described. You may want to read aloud
slowly while recording yourself and then play back the recording with
your eyes closed.

>Imagine you’re walking along the beach on a beautiful day.

It’s sunny, there’s a nice breeze, and the sun feels good on your
face. The ocean air is refreshing and you stop to listen to the
waves that gently lap up onto the shore. Now begin to think
about all those things that your narcissist does that bother you.
Allow yourself to feel any painful feelings that arise. Now
imagine that you are releasing these painful or annoying
behaviors, realizing that you were not the one who caused
these problems or behaviors and that you cannot change these
behaviors or traits. Instead what you’ve decided to do is to let
them go. Imagine you’ve written down all these annoying or
painful things and you’re now putting them in a bottle and
letting the bottle drift out to sea. You’re letting go and now can
 begin to feel peaceful again.

It’s important to realize that you can face painful feelings about your
relationship and that you can cast these feelings adrift when you need to.
This exercise may be used more than once to help you let go of any
painful or angry feelings you may experience.

Visualizing Change Using the Miracle Question

The late Insoo Kim Berg, a pioneer in the school of therapy known as
solution-focused therapy, would often ask her clients what she referred to
as “the miracle question” (Miller and Berg 1995). She would ask her
clients to imagine that if a miracle were to occur so that overnight they
would be somehow changed in such a way that all their problems would
be resolved, how would they know that the miracle had occurred? How
would they be different? The following story shows how you can use this
concept.

Bill’s Story

Bill and Carol had been living together for four years. Bill had
reached a point where he felt he could no longer tolerate Carol’s
self-centeredness and insensitivity. He would find himself feeling
angry and frustrated, and he dreaded coming home from work each
night because Carol would usually meet him at the door with a list
of complaints about things he’d done or failed to do. Bill felt that
Carol’s demands were unreasonable and that everything always
had to be her way. Bill decided to seek counseling so that he could
change how he was reacting to Carol’s complaints and demands.
The counselor asked Bill to close his eyes and imagine that a
miracle would take place when he went to bed the following night.
He was to imagine that when he woke up in the morning, he would
no longer find himself feeling angry and frustrated with Carol, no
matter what she said. The therapist then asked Bill, “How would
you know that this miracle had occurred? How would you feel
different? What would you do differently?” Bill thought about the
question and at first hesitated. He then said, “If a miracle really
occurred, I’d wake up feeling calm and relaxed, knowing that I no
 occurred, I’d wake up feeling calm and relaxed, knowing that I no
longer was focused on what Carol’s demands, complaints, or
criticism were. Let her complain all she wants.”
The miracle question allowed Bill to begin to see what the solution to
the problem would look like; in other words, how things would be
different if the problem no longer existed. From what Bill described, if a
miracle were to take place, he would feel calm and relaxed because he
would have detached from Carol’s unreasonable demands.
There are two really important aspects to the miracle question. First,
it allows you to begin to look at the solution to the problem and explore
how things could be different for you in the future. Second, it encourages
you to examine how you could change in the future. In the example
above, it is Bill who changes his response to Carol, and not Carol who
miraculously changes.
You can’t truly expect to change overnight, but visualizing how such
solutions would appear can help you take the next steps to improving
your life.
 A Ray of Hope: Corrective Life Experiences
We don’t want to paint the hopeless picture that all narcissists are
incapable of change and will go through life always using people,
exploiting others, and leaving a trail of broken hearts, destroyed careers,
and dysfunctional family relationships. At the same time, we don’t want
to create confusion, since we’ve stressed that it’s often impossible for
narcissists to change. However, noted psychiatrist Elsa Ronningstam
(2005) emphasizes the importance of “corrective life experiences,” which
can sometimes transform narcissists into compassionate human beings.
These life experiences include corrective achievements, corrective
interpersonal relationships, and corrective disillusionment.
Corrective achievements are real accomplishments that seem to
provide narcissists with the type of self-validation that they lacked as
children or adolescents. This might include receiving a promotion,
attaining an academic degree, or achieving an award or some other
recognition. Once some narcissists attain such goals, they are able to let
go of the need for constant praise or recognition and no longer need to be
the center of the universe.
Corrective relationships may also bring about this transformation.
These relationships are usually committed, long-term relationships in
which the narcissist’s sense of specialness or entitlement is replaced with
a willingness to accept a partner for who she is rather than for what she
can do for the narcissist. These relationships are characterized by mutual
respect and caring. The potential for empathic communication in these
relationships often allows the narcissist to begin to explore emotions
from his partner’s perspective.
Corrective disillusionment occurs when the narcissist is presented
with some hard life lessons that take him down a peg or two. This can
include the loss of a love relationship, the loss of a job or career, or a
financial loss. In these instances, the narcissist realizes that he has no one
to blame but himself. Although you cannot conjure up corrective life
experiences, you can provide corrective communications and can model
a corrective interpersonal relationship for your narcissist. We will talk
about this in greater depth in chapter 7, on communication.
Chapter 6
 Setting Limits and Boundaries
One of the problems that most people encounter when dealing with narcissists is
that they can often be so unreasonable and unjust. From the narcissist’s
perspective, the world should revolve exclusively around him. This chapter
presents some ideas on how you can begin to set limits on the narcissist’s
behavior and establish better personal boundaries.
At times it may feel like the narcissist has taken over your every waking
moment or envelops your every thought and emotion. Remember, a true
narcissist is extremely good at portraying himself as being the center of the
universe; he is really good at making you feel that your purpose in life is to serve
him. Why? Because he truly believes that he is so incredibly unique, talented,
and special and that you are not. What’s often amazing is how once his power is
taken away, or he is exposed or disarmed, he no longer seems to have the same
hold over others. This is often true of schoolyard bullies. As long as their peers
quake in fear as the bully approaches, he will have incredible power over his
classmates, but as soon as someone stands up to him, the tide changes rather
quickly. Remember the scene from the movie A Christmas Story where Ralphie
finally stands up to the school bully and bloodies his nose? We’re not suggesting
that you wrestle your narcissist to the ground and start pummeling him (however
tempting this may be). Instead, what we will have you explore are ways in which
you can stand up to the narcissist, so you are no longer bullied into doing things
that you really don’t want to do or that you may feel obligated to do.
 Valuing Yourself and Increasing Your Self-Worth
One of the starting points for setting limits and boundaries is being able to accept
that you have rights too. It’s easy to feel that you don’t count or don’t matter if
you’ve been dealing with a narcissist for any appreciable length of time. After a
while, you may get brainwashed into thinking that the narcissist is the only one
who matters and that you are just along for the ride. Jan Black and Greg Enns
(1997) make the point that boundary setting is not so much a matter of mastering
special techniques or catchy phrases to use as it is a matter of putting into
practice a feeling of how you should be treated.
Chapter 5 concentrated largely on what you cannot change about the
narcissist in your life. What you can change in your life begins with your self-
worth. Valuing yourself and creating a greater sense of your own worth won’t
happen magically but rather will come from practice and concerted effort.
Remember, it’s okay to put yourself first.

How to Boost Your Self-Worth

Jan Black and Greg Enns (1997) list several ways to value yourself more.
The following list is an adaptation of some of their suggestions:

Make choices that are about you, choices that will affirm your self-worth,
such as doing more activities that are self-affirming.

Acknowledge your fears and what causes you anxiety, but try to
challenge these fears. Don’t let them get the best of you. For example, if
you’re anxious about flying, try to challenge your fear by flying to a
place you will enjoy or have never been to before.

Acknowledge your preferences, whether they be eating certain foods or

doing certain leisure activities, such as going to the movies, pursuing
artistic hobbies, or reading books, and plan time to enjoy what you like.

Decorate your home, apartment, condo, or office in ways that you find
pleasing. Use photos or pictures that are your own and that help to assert
that this is your space.

When you’re having a difficult time making decisions, pretend you’re

 offering advice to a friend of yours. What would you suggest to your
friend?

Visualize your goals. Where would you like to be a month from now,
three months from now, six months, or a year? Visualize how you will be
and how you will be different.

As you review this list, could you imagine yourself following through with
some of these actions? Which do you feel would be easier for you to
accomplish? Which would be more difficult for you? If some actions seem like
they would be more difficult, it would be helpful to examine what you feel may
hold you back.

Exercise: Taking Time for Yourself

Check off which of the following activities you will commit to start doing
regularly. Indicate whether you will do them on a daily, weekly, or monthly
basis by adding the letter D, W, or M (for daily, weekly, or monthly) in the blank
next to the activities that you choose:

Take time before going to work to read the newspaper or a magazine.

Take some time before work to exercise or go for a walk.

Take some time in the morning to have coffee, tea, or even a full
breakfast.

Take some time in the morning to do some daily meditation.

Pick up a book or magazine that is of interest to you and read it.

Take some time to call a friend of yours.

Plan to spend time with a friend of yours.

Go to a movie, concert, or play that you want to attend.

Watch a TV program that you find enjoyable or entertaining.

 Take time to do something physically active that you enjoy.

Take time to listen to music that you enjoy.

Schedule regular doctor and dentist appointments or any other

appointments that help to improve your health and well-being.

Eat at a restaurant where you want to go. If you have to go alone, bring a
book to read.

You can add to this list with other ideas, such as signing up for a class on a
subject that especially interests you or taking time on the way home from work
or school for a special activity that you enjoy. Making a commitment to take
more time for yourself will improve your self-worth.
 Empowering Yourself by Setting Boundaries
Albert Bernstein (2001) provides some useful suggestions for setting boundaries
with what he refers to as “narcissistic vampires.” For example, Bernstein
suggests that you ignore the narcissist’s tantrums rather than react or respond to
them. He also suggests that you pick both your words and your battles carefully
but that it’s better not to cave in to what the narcissist is demanding or let the
narcissist walk all over you. Asserting yourself and asking that your needs be
met will give you a better chance of being heard; at the very least, the narcissist
may respect your willingness to stick up for yourself. Chapter 7 will talk more
about getting the narcissist to hear you and how to get your point across.
You may want to take a minute to think of the types of situations where the
narcissist in your life does things that really bother or annoy you. Does she make
demeaning comments about you (about your appearance or something you like)?
Does he always say things that are designed to draw attention to himself or does
he boast about real or imagined achievements? Does she make jokes at your
expense? Does he spend an inordinate amount of time on his own appearance? Is
she insensitive to your needs? Is he totally oblivious to what you think or feel? If
the narcissist is in your workplace, does this person take credit for your work?
Does she exploit you for her own gain or well-being? Does he make
unreasonable demands of your time or efforts?
In order to set limits on these behaviors, it’s important that you begin to
think of ways you can react that are different from how you may usually react. It
just makes sense that “If you want to feel something you’ve never felt before,
you must be willing to do something you’ve never done before.” If what you’ve
been doing isn’t working, you will have to consider trying a different approach.

Learn to Say No
The first thing you’ll need to do is add the word “no” to your vocabulary. If
you have tried to set limits with the narcissist and were unsuccessful before, you
will need to be patient. You can set limits if you are firm enough. Here are some
examples of how to respond:
Narcissist: Could you take care of my pit bull for the weekend? I’m planning on
going camping with my friends.
You: No!
Narcissist: I’m really short on cash. Could you loan me $200?
You: No!
Narcissist: I’d like you to come in to work over the weekend to get some reports
done.
You: No, I can’t. I’ve already made plans and will be away this weekend.
Narcissist: Could you take my mother to the doctor? I have another
appointment.
You: No. I have an appointment that day as well.

Stick to Your Guns

One of the problems that you may encounter with the narcissist is that she
won’t take no for an answer. If you say no, most narcissists will only ratchet up
their demands. So what do you do when this happens? Answer: Stick to your
guns.
To expand on the previous examples, here’s how you might respond:
Narcissist: Could you take care of my pit bull for the weekend? I’m planning on
going camping with my friends.
You: No!
Narcissist: But if you don’t watch Sparky, I’ll have to cancel my plans. That’s
pretty selfish of you.
You: Sorry, I’m busy this weekend, and I can’t do it.
Narcissist: I’m really short on cash. Could you loan me $200?
You: No!
Narcissist: But I have to pick up my prescription. Don’t tell me you don’t have a
measly $200 to spare? I’ll pay you back when I get my paycheck.
You: No! I’m not loaning you any money.
Narcissist: I’d like you to come in to work over the weekend and get some
reports done.
You: No, I can’t. I’ve already made plans and will be away this weekend.
Narcissist: This work really needs to get done. I guess I won’t be able to
recommend you for a bonus.
You: I’m not coming in this weekend.
Narcissist: Could you take my mother to the doctor? I have another
appointment.
You: No, I have an appointment that day as well.
Narcissist: But I can’t take her. You’ll need to change your appointment.
You: No, I’m busy that day.
It’s important to remember that in sticking to your guns, you are simply
restating what you’ve told the narcissist. There’s no need to come up with an
elaborate excuse. No means no! You really don’t have to explain yourself,
though sometimes it may be helpful to reinforce that you’re unwilling or unable
to do what’s being asked of you. If you’re having a hard time saying no, imagine
if the situation were reversed: if the narcissist was refusing to do something that
you’ve asked of him, would he provide you with an explanation? Think about it.
It’s important not to give in to threats or intimidation (such as the threat of
being denied a raise or recommendation). If you give an inch, the narcissist will
take a yard. As Sandy Hotchkiss (2002) points out, the operative word when
setting boundaries is control,meaning that you stay in control. Remember,
narcissists are usually accustomed to being in control and getting others to do
their bidding, so at first it may seem somewhat unusual for you to take control
and set the boundaries.
Another way to set limits on narcissistic behavior is to identify those
behaviors that you are no longer willing to tolerate. You can write a statement or
declaration that you are no longer willing to tolerate these behaviors any longer.
This personal declaration of independence is your statement of boundaries; it’s
not meant to be shared with anyone. Even more important than writing down
what you will no longer tolerate is following through with it. Remember, actions
speak louder than words.

Exercise: Your Declaration of Independence

Please fill in the blanks to create your own declaration of independence:
I, ___________ , being of sound mind and body do hereby swear that I will
no longer tolerate or put up with the following behaviors:
_____________________
_____________________
And in instances when I encounter these behaviors, I will respond by
___________
_____________________
_____________________
 Difficulties with Boundary Setting
People who have difficulty accepting that they deserve better treatment often
come from homes where they were treated poorly or abusively. If you have
difficulty setting boundaries, the following exercise may help you find the
origins of this difficulty.

Exercise: Where Did Your Difficulty with Boundary

Setting Originate?

Answer each of the following questions on a scale of 1 to 3, where 1 means this

never happened, 2 means this sometimes happened, and 3 means this happened a
lot.
___________ 1. Did you feel that either of your parents invalidated your
thoughts or feelings?
___________ 2. Were your parents verbally abusive to you (yelled or
screamed at you or were critical of you)?
___________ 3. Were your parents physically abusive toward you (hit,
punched, or kicked you)?
___________ 4. Were your parents neglectful of your needs? Did you not
receive much love or nurturing while growing up?
___________ 5. Did your parents neglect your regular medical and dental
checkups?
___________ 6. Were you ever physically or sexually abused by anyone
when you were a child or adolescent?
___________ 7. Were you rejected by one or both of your parents?
___________ 8. Were you ridiculed, belittled, or made fun of as a child or
adolescent?
___________ 9. Were you ever threatened with being sent away from your
family (for example, your parents threatened to send you off to live with a
relative or to a boarding school)?
___________ 10. Did you ever witness physical or sexual abuse of a family
member while growing up?
 Now add up your score. If you scored 10, then you probably grew up in a
nonabusive environment in which your needs were addressed. If your score was
between 20 and 30, then you probably grew up a home that was abusive or
neglectful or at least invalidating. It is usually people who score in the latter
range that have difficulty in setting boundaries with narcissists, for they have
difficulty valuing and loving themselves.
There appear to be a couple of reasons why people who come from
dysfunctional or abusive homes become attracted to narcissists and vice versa. If
you grew up in a damaging home environment, healthy self-love is something
that was probably never modeled or displayed. Therefore, when confronted with
a narcissist who appears to exude self-confidence and self-entitlement, you may
see that person as having all that you were not given as a child and feel you are
lacking. This was described brilliantly in Getting the Love You Want, by Harville
Hendrix (1988), who proposed that people generally tend to look to their
partners to make up those missing pieces of their damaged selves that they
experienced during childhood. This is especially true in love relationships, but it
may occur in other types of relationships, such as work relationships or
friendships, where the same dynamics are at play.
Hendrix asserts that it is no accident that we become attracted to the people
we do. So it is perhaps no coincidence that certain types of people might find
themselves in the clutches of a narcissist. Conversely, narcissists are often quite
skilled at picking people whom they can dominate. Remember, however, that
most narcissists also feel wounded and have learned to overcompensate by
taking on the opposite persona. If you have difficulty setting boundaries, for
whatever reason, remember that it is your right to set them, especially in
stopping patterns of being treated abusively.
Chapter 7
 Establishing Better Communication
Chances are you often walk away from an encounter with the narcissist, saying
to yourself, “I feel like I may as well be talking to the wall.” As a result of this
type of frustration, you, like many others who interact with a narcissist on a daily
basis, may tend to ignore the narcissist, become annoyed or outraged but say
nothing, or find yourself exploding.
Narcissists are in love with the sound of their own voices, so they’re usually
not interested in hearing your views or having a meaningful dialogue. They
would rather talk at you than with you. But before you get out the sledgehammer
and start beating your narcissist over the head to get her attention, you may want
to try applying the basic communication skills covered in this chapter. Although
you’re probably already familiar with these skills, it may be helpful to review
some general guidelines and then examine how to apply them to narcissists.
Remember as you read this chapter that the most important thing is to try
something different from what you’ve been doing. You may need to do several
different experiments before you can determine what works and what doesn’t.
 Communication Skills 101
Most people find it difficult to communicate angry or frustrated feelings, which
is why they tend to bottle up feelings or explode. What’s unfortunate is that
neither option provides much relief or produces the results you’re after. The
alternative that seems to work best is to use an assertive response. You may also
find it helpful to use humor or sarcasm, to be the grown-up in the situation, or to
keep it real by modeling or reinforcing appropriate behavior or responses.

Be Assertive
When you are unhappy with another person’s behavior, it’s usually a good
idea to express how you feel in response to that behavior. Starting a statement
with how you feel about the behavior allows you to say what’s on your mind
without sounding judgmental. This way, the other person will be less likely to
react defensively to what you say and be more likely to hear you. The following
is a standard formula for being assertive:

1. Identify what it is you are feeling in the situation.

2. State that feeling with a simple “I felt ___________ when you did
___________ .”

3. Don’t try to explain or justify your feelings. Feelings are neither right nor
wrong; they are simply a statement of your internal experience.

4. Stick to your guns after making an assertive statement. Again, you don’t
have to justify how you feel.

5. Examine how you feel afterward. If you’ve been successful in making a

good assertive statement, you won’t be fuming (as you might be if you’d
bottled up your feelings), nor will you feel guilty about simply stating
how you feel.

Exercise: Practicing Being Assertive

The next time you’re faced with a situation in which you’re lying in bed at night
tossing and turning because of some situation where you find yourself saying, “I
should have said ___________ ,” think of an assertive statement you could have
used to hit the mark without bottling up your feelings or blowing up at the other
person.

Sue’s Story

James and Sue have been married for the past twelve years. Sue often
complains to her friends that James has become more demanding over the
years and must always have things his way. As an example, Sue made plans
months ago to visit her brother and sister-in-law at their home in Phoenix.
James was agreeable to the plans and said he would make sure the date
was on his calendar. Sue went ahead and purchased plane tickets and
booked their hotel reservations. Three days before they were supposed to
fly out to Phoenix, however, James announced to Sue that he didn’t “really
feel like going” and “besides I’m really busy at work right now.” Sue was
infuriated but said nothing. She cancelled their plans and didn’t speak to
James for a week.

Vivian’s Story

Vivian works in the corporate offices of a women’s clothing retail chain.

For the past two years, she has been reporting to Beth, who came to the
company after having worked as a buyer for a large department store. At
first Vivian liked Beth and felt she could learn from her. As time went on,
however, Vivian became more frustrated with Beth because of her temper
tantrums and abusiveness. At first Vivian would let the demeaning remarks
go but then would find herself feeling resentful and would have trouble
falling asleep as she went over and over in her mind things she should have
said. One day after having a very difficult week, Beth lashed out at Vivian
about an expense report she had submitted, saying “it was written by a
third-grader.” Vivian couldn’t take it anymore and told Beth that if she
didn’t like it, she could shove it.
In these stories, Sue bottles up her feelings, going along as if nothing
happened while seething inside, while Vivian bottles up her resentments until
she reaches a point where she blows up at Beth. Clearly, neither bottling up your
feelings nor blowing up brings about any relief. It’s likely that Sue walks around
for weeks with major resentments, while Vivian finds herself feeling guilty
about things she’s said in the heat of anger and may even fear retaliation.
Being assertive is an alternative worth trying. But there’s a caveat. Basic
assertiveness may not work as well with narcissists as it does in other situations.
Often when you confront a narcissist directly, he will become either defensive or
angry and may even lash out at you, almost as if you had blown up or exploded
at him. The reason is that narcissists will often take clear and direct assertive
statements as an assault on their character or their sense of uniqueness or
grandness. It’s like the narcissist is saying, “How dare you attack the king?” So
here’s where you need to modify your assertive statements so that you don’t
walk into a buzz saw.
It’s quite likely that you’ve already experienced what most do when dealing
with narcissists: if you don’t say no or set a boundary, he or she will walk all
over you. In the following situations, however, the assertiveness formula has
been modified to get the narcissist to see things from your perspective, as well as
to convey that you are unwilling to give into the narcissist’s definition of the
situation or issue at hand. In doing so, you’re hoping to shape more considerate
or empathic responses in the narcissist or, at very least, to get her to hear you.
Each of the following three situations gives a general assertive response,
followed by an assertive response designed especially for use with a narcissist.
Note in these examples how you may have to forget about expressing your
feelings about the narcissist’s behavior. Try to think of these situations as if you
were dealing with an angry child or teenager who’s throwing a tantrum. You
don’t want to escalate the argument, but neither do you want to give in to the
other person’s demands, so you need to communicate in a way that the narcissist
will hear you.

SITUATION ONE
Narcissist: “I can’t believe you forgot to pick up my jacket at the dry
cleaners. Now what am I supposed to wear to work? You idiot!”
Assertive response: “I really resent your calling me names. Perhaps you
should pick up your own dry cleaning from now on.”
Assertive response to narcissist: “I’m sorry I forgot to pick up your dry
cleaning. I was really overwhelmed with things I had to do today, and it slipped
my mind. Let’s see if we can find you something else to wear today. Let’s also
try to work out a better schedule for who picks up the dry cleaning and when.”

SITUATION TWO
Narcissist: “I need you to stay late and finish up the Jones file.”
Assertive response: “I feel taken for granted when you ask me to stay like
this at the last minute. I already have plans for this evening, and it’s not
convenient for me to stay late.”
Assertive response to narcissist: “I see the dilemma you’re in about getting
the Jones file complete. Unfortunately, I’m already committed this evening, and
I can’t get out of it. Perhaps I can come in early tomorrow and work on it?”

SITUATION 3
Narcissist: “I don’t care if you’re busy right now. Go get me a cup of
coffee.”
Assertive response: “I dislike being given tasks that are not part of my job
description.”
Assertive response to narcissist: “I know how busy you are right now, but I
have a lot of work to do as well, which I know is important to you. Which would
you rather I do?”
The following exercise gives you an opportunity to practice responding
assertively.

Exercise: Responding Assertively to the Narcissist

Consider which type of response (the more general assertive response or the
assertive response to the narcissist) is more comfortable for you and appropriate
in your situation. Then imagine how you would respond to each of the following
statements:
Narcissist:“I’m not going to the movies with you tonight. I’d rather read the
paper and watch TV.”
Your response: ___________
_____________________
_____________________
Narcissist: “I’m tired of cleaning up your messes. Can’t you do anything
right?”
Your response: ___________
_____________________
_____________________
Narcissist: “I’m doing all the work around here. I can’t believe I have to
work with complete morons like you.”
Your response: ___________
_____________________
_____________________

Use Humor and Sarcasm

Different situations sometimes call for different responses. In some
instances, assertive statements are more appropriate, but in other situations, you
may find yourself being creative, using humor or sarcasm as a means to refrain
from taking the narcissist’s bait. Here are a couple of examples.

Diane’s Story

Joanne always likes to brag about all the men she’s dated and how so many
men are “naturally attracted” to her. Her friend Diane usually says
nothing as Joanne goes on and on about her own sensuality. Usually when
Joanne does this, she’ll think nothing of making criticisms about Diane’s
weight or clothes.
Instead of responding to Joanne’s remarks with silence, Diane could use
humor or sarcasm to make a self-empowering statement. For example, if Joanne
said, “I can’t believe how Dave wouldn’t take his eyes off me. I think he’s really
attracted to me,” Diane could simply respond with “You know, Joanne, I really
didn’t notice. I guess what Dave does is not that important to me.”
Here’s another response: “You know, Joanne, you may be right. He did tell
me he likes women with big butts.”
Alternatively, Diane could say, “It must be wonderful to have so many men
attracted to you. How do you stand all the attention?” Each of the above retorts
is self-empowering for Diane.
 A Coworker’s Story

Ted constantly boasts about how much money he makes, and whenever he’s
awarded a bonus, he can’t resist telling everyone how big a bonus he
received. His coworkers and friends are pretty fed up with his boasting.
When Ted purchased a thirty-two-foot speedboat with twin high-
performance engines, he couldn’t hold himself back from showing pictures
of it to anyone he could corner.
Ted’s coworker might respond to Ted’s bragging by saying, “You know that
old expression, Ted, ‘The larger the boat, the smaller the penis.’”
Another response might be “That is a nice boat, Ted. I just hope that the
price of gas doesn’t go up to over $4 a gallon again. I know this one guy who
says that it costs him about $500 just to motor down the river and back.”
Yet another response might be “That’s really a great boat, Ted. You must
have worked really hard, and it’s good to know you’re appreciated for what you
do.” Each of these responses is self-empowering.

Be the Grown-Up
There are many different ways to respond to narcissistic behaviors. The key
is to be an adult, and you can always make that choice, according to the theory
of transactional analysis (Harris 1967).
Transactional analysis posits that we all possess three ego states: the parent,
the child, and the adult. When someone else makes critical remarks about you,
she may be acting in the parental role (similar to when Joanne criticizes Diane’s
weight or choice of wardrobe). You have the choice of responding in the parent,
the child, or the adult role. Responding as the parent, Diane would probably hurl
a critical remark back at Joanne. Responding in the child role, she might throw a
tantrum by yelling and screaming at Joanne or by sulking or crying. In the adult
role, however, Diane takes Joanne’s remarks in stride as she could by saying, “It
must be wonderful to have so many men attracted to you.”
The optimal level of communication, according to transactional analysis, is
adult-to-adult communication. Unfortunately, when you are communicating with
a narcissist, this optimal level of communication rarely happens. More often than
not, the narcissist will come at you as either the harsh, critical parent or the
petulant, demanding child. So your goal is to stay in the adult role, regardless of
how you are approached.
Keep It Real
One way you can communicate effectively with narcissists is to model and
reinforceappropriate behavior and responses. You can do this without bottling up
or blowing up and actually respond to the narcissist as if he were just like
everyone else. This can be done without inciting a defensive reaction or an
attack. At the same time, you can keep your boundaries.
You can think of the following responses as sound bites to use in various
situations with your narcissist. Remember, you’re attempting to shape or model
more positive, empathic behavior and trying to speak to the heart of what the
narcissist really wants from you: your approval or admiration. These sound bites
may be especially useful when the narcissist has been thoughtful, considerate,
generous, or empathic. These are the types of behaviors you want to reinforce or
acknowledge in some way.

Sound bite:“I really appreciate it when you take my feelings into

consideration.”

Sound bite:“You really can be very caring and considerate.”

Sound bite:“You have the ability to relate well to a variety of people.”

Sound bite:“I really like it when you compliment me or acknowledge my

work.”

Sound bite:“It’s really nice that you can be so generous.”

Exercise: Using Sound Bites

Can you think of situations where you could have used one of these sound bites?
List them below.
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
 Dealing with Tirades and Temper Tantrums
Some narcissists control others through temper tantrums. It’s not uncommon to
find this type of behavior when the narcissist feels cornered or fears that some
mistake or inadequacy will be uncovered. In those situations, you can expect that
the narcissist will launch into a tirade as a means of deflecting blame.
There are many possible ways to deal with narcissistic rage and tantrums.
You will need to pick the strategy that best matches the type of narcissistic
explosiveness you’re dealing with. If you are dealing with someone who tends to
escalate as he vents, techniques suggested by Albert J. Bernstein (2003) may be
helpful:

Try to understand the mind-set of the angry person.

Speak softly; don’t threaten or challenge the angry person.

Determine what your goals are.

Avoid trying to reason with the explosive person by using rational

arguments or explanations.

Ask for time to try to come up with a win-win solution.

Create distance.

The strategies described above are best used with narcissists who throw
tantrums or go into tirades rather easily. With a narcissist who is less prone to
tantrums, you will be able to use some of the other assertiveness strategies
discussed earlier in the chapter. Also, there’s an old expression “You don’t have
to attend every fight you’re invited to.” So there are some situations, especially
with volatile narcissists, where it may be better to simply walk away from the
fight. It’s better to pick your battles or to at least wait to respond until the
narcissist will be more likely to hear you.

Keeping Yourself Safe

Some narcissists control others through physical abuse or threats of physical
intimidation. If you find yourself in a situation where you are subject to physical
abuse, violence, or threats of physical abuse, then it would be best to seek
counseling immediately from an agency that deals with domestic or intimate
partner violence.
Domestic violence encompasses not only spouse abuse but also abuse of elder
parents, a teenage or adult child’s abuse of a parent, a parent’s abuse of a
teenage or adult child, and physical violence among siblings. It can occur in any
intimate relationship, including dating relationships and gay, lesbian, bisexual,
or transsexual relationships.
While not all narcissists are physically abusive, most batterers and violent
abusers tend to be narcissists. In our years of clinical experience in working with
batterers, we have yet to come across a batterer who was not narcissistic. Most
batterers come up with elaborate justifications for their abusiveness as a means
of avoiding taking responsibility for their behavior. What most of these
rationalizations and justifications have in common is that the batterer is
essentially saying, “I am right and you are wrong” or “You pushed my buttons
and made me hit you.” This is an incredibly narcissistic perspective. Very rarely
do you find batterers who express regret or remorse, and if they do, it’s often to
avoid abandonment or avoid criminal prosecution.
If you find yourself in a relationship that has the potential for violence, you will
need to keep yourself safe and strategize about what you would do in an
emergency. We cannot emphasize too strongly that the best course of action is to
seek counseling. You should also take the following steps:

Contact the domestic violence counseling centers and shelters that are
available in your community and obtain telephone numbers for twenty-
four-hour hotlines. The counselors at these centers often know which
police officers in the community have had special training to deal with
domestic violence. Obtain the phone numbers of your local police
department and these trained police officers.

Begin to put together an emergency kit (in the event you need to leave
quickly). This kit would include credit cards, bank statements, your
Social Security number, checkbooks, cash, ATM cards, mortgage or rent
receipts, your medical insurance card, your address book, an extra set of
car keys, and a list of emergency numbers. Keep this kit in a place where
you could grab it quickly (in a closet near the door or even outside the
home in a secure place that only you are aware of).
Identify exits or escape routes from various places within your home.

Open a savings account in your name only and have records of this
account sent to a friend’s home or to a post office box. Make regular
deposits.

Keep a journal of any instances of abusive behavior. Document any

violent threats or instances of intimidation. Keep records of your
counseling sessions or any medical treatment you receive.

Give a friend, trusted family member, or neighbor a signal or code word

that you will use if you are in trouble and need assistance and another
code word to ask them to notify the police that you need immediate
assistance. If there are children in the home, make sure they know how to
dial 911 and can provide their name and address.
 Communicating with Exploitative Narcissists
One of the hallmarks of narcissists is their ability to exploit others. This comes
from their overwhelming sense of entitlement. From the narcissist’s perspective,
you were put on this earth to serve his needs. Therefore, you may often find
yourself in situations where he will expect or demand that you do his bidding. In
love relationships, family relationships, and friendships, the narcissist will think
nothing of taking your car, your clothes, your money, or even your most prized
possessions, without a thought for what those things might mean to you. In the
workplace, narcissists exploit their coworkers, bosses, and subordinates just
about every chance they get.
Each of the following dialogues gives a response that sets limits on the
narcissist’s exploitative behavior. The goal is to communicate that you’re not
allowing this type of behavior: Narcissistic I’m taking the car. I have an
important appointment that I need to get to. family member:
You: No you’re not, I have plans this afternoon. I am willing to give you a ride
to your appointment or give you bus fare. What’s your choice?
Narcissistic Could you punch the clock for me? I have to leave early today,
and I don’t coworker: want the boss to know.
You: I’m not comfortable doing that. Besides, if I get caught, I’ll get fired.
Narcissistic I’m taking $500 out of the checking account so I can buy a new
fly fishing rod. spouse/partner:
You: No you’re not. We need that money to pay off the credit card this month.
Why don’t you take the money out of your savings?

Exercise: Setting Limits on Exploitative Behavior

Imagine how you might deal with the following boundary violations. In each
case, give a response that sets limits on the exploitative behavior: Your
narcissistic family member asks to borrow $400 to repair his car.
Your response: ___________
_____________________
 _____________________
Your narcissistic boss takes your work and presents it as if it were her own.
Your response: ___________
_____________________
_____________________
Your narcissistic spouse or partner is out raking leaves in your sweatshirt
because she doesn’t want to get her own sweatshirt dirty.
Your response: ___________
_____________________
_____________________
Your narcissistic friend says he hopes you don’t mind that he has given your
name as a cosigner on a loan he’s applying for.
Your response: ___________
_____________________
_____________________
Setting limits on exploitative behavior is not easy, but consider the
alternative. Once you’ve opened the door to exploitation, the narcissist will
expect he can continue to exploit you without consequence.
 Understanding Your Reactions to the Narcissist
Wendy Behary (2008) talks about three common reactions that people have to
narcissistic behavior: the “fight, flight, and freeze” reactions. These reactions
correspond to the responses to narcissists—angry/resentful, apathetic/detached,
and denigrated/intimidated—that were presented in chapter 4. Those who feel
angry or resentful are more likely to respond to the narcissist by fighting. Those
who have become apathetic or detached are more likely to respond to the
narcissist by flight. Those who are denigrated or intimidated are more likely to
respond to the narcissist by freezing.
When you are choosing an alternative way of communicating with a
narcissist, the best strategy is to decide what your response usually is (angry,
apathetic, or denigrated) and then consider how to react differently.
 Selecting a Communication Style
The following scenario with a narcissist could provoke an angry, apathetic, or
denigrated response. As you read this story, think about how you would respond
if you were in this situation.

Ellen’s Story

Ellen has worked for Dennis for the past two years as his administrative
assistant. When she first started working for Dennis, she knew he was
demanding; however, as time went on, she found that he was more and
more abusive toward her. What made this situation worse was that Dennis
would often berate Ellen in front of other coworkers in their group. Last
Friday, just as everyone was getting ready to leave work, Dennis screamed
at Ellen for not having the monthly report completed. In fact, the report
wasn’t due until the following Tuesday, and Ellen had planned to complete
the report on Monday when she returned to work.
If you were Ellen, how would you respond? Consider the following
alternatives to an angry/resentful, apathetic/detached, or denigrated/intimidated
response.

Alternative to an Angry/Resentful Response

If Ellen were prone to becoming angry with Dennis, giving right back to him
what he would dish out to her, than it might be helpful for her to try a different
strategy. Ellen would first need to collect herself and be mindful of her goal in
communicating with Dennis. She would then need to resolve that in talking with
Dennis, she would not lose her sense of composure. After doing this, she might
be able to have the following dialogue:
Ellen: Dennis, I’d like to talk with you about the monthly report. Do you have a
minute to talk privately?
Dennis:Okay, but make it quick, I’m going skiing this weekend.
Ellen: Sure. First of all, I really don’t appreciate being yelled at in front of my
coworkers. I feel embarrassed and frustrated. The other thing is that I
 know the report isn’t due until Tuesday, so my plan was to come in
early on Monday and have it completed in plenty of time for you to
review it. Have I been late with monthly reports before?
Dennis: No, but there’s a first time for everything, Plus you were dragging
around all day when you should have been working on the report.
Ellen: If you felt that way, you should have mentioned something earlier, and I
would have worked on the report today. I’ve always gotten the reports
done on time and will get this report in on time, and I’d appreciate it if
you didn’t talk to me the way you did.
In this scenario, Ellen is careful to keep calm, to stay in the adult role, and
not to explode as she may have done in the past. By asking to speak with Dennis
alone, she is modeling how she would like to be treated: “If you have something
to say, say it to me privately, not in front of the others.” She is also clear and
direct in her communication.

Alternative to an Apathetic/Detached Response

If Ellen tended to react to Dennis’s abusive comments by feeling apathetic or
detached (avoiding the confrontation), we would recommend that she find some
way to stand up to him and to stand up to his tirades. By sticking up for herself,
Ellen is communicating that she will not tolerate abusive behavior:
Ellen: Dennis, I’d like to talk with you alone for a few minutes.
Dennis: Okay, but make it quick. I’m going skiing this weekend.
Ellen: Okay, I usually don’t say anything in situations like this, but I wanted to
let youknow how angry I felt over you screaming at me in front of the
others about the monthly report. I’ve never been late with these
reports, and I feel that we’ve worked well as a team on these.
Dennis: Okay, is that all you wanted to talk with me about?
Ellen: Yes, that’s it. Have a good weekend.
Here, Ellen is doing something she’s not accustomed to doing: telling Dennis
how she feels about his abusive comments. In the past, Ellen would have bottled
up her feelings and spent the rest of the day in efforts to flee thoughts and
feelings about the confrontation? She then would have had a miserable weekend
as she obsessed over what she should have said if given the opportunity. So
instead, she musters her courage, and her remarks are quick and to the point.

Alternative to a Denigrated/Intimidated Response

There may be times when you become overwhelmed by the narcissist as a
result of her larger-than-life persona. If you find yourself feeling frozen or
unable to respond, it can be helpful to have a fallback position. Here would be
Ellen’s alternative reaction if she felt this way:
Ellen: Dennis, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by your accusation about the
report. I am working on the report and will have it to you by the
deadline; however, I’d like to take some time to think about what just
happened, and I’d like to talk about it some more on Monday.
Dennis: What’s there to talk about? Just get the report in.
Ellen: I will get the report in, but I need to process what happened today, and I’d
like to take some time to think it over.
Dennis: Okay. I still don’t see what the big deal is.
Here, what Ellen is doing is buying some time to figure out what she is
feeling and what she wants to say rather than shut down and go into freeze
mode.
Again, you can choose how to communicate with the narcissist in your life.
We hope that after reading this chapter you will be better equipped to deal with
situations where your narcissist may be trying to exploit you or trying to
steamroll you into his way of thinking or doing things. It’s common when put in
these situations to feel like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, but with
practice and persistence, you will be able to communicate more effectively and,
in doing so, will be able to set more effective boundaries.
Chapter 8
 Strategies for Managing Narcissists in
Friendship, Love, and Family Life
By now you have most likely determined that you are in a one-way relationship
with a very self-centered person. You have in all probability learned a good deal
about your relationship. Most likely, you are considering making some changes.
Are you willing to do things differently in your relationship with your loved
one? This chapter will help you explore whether you are ready to make some
important changes and will then give you some new strategies for managing the
narcissist in your life.
 Deciding If You Are Ready
Change almost always involves overcoming some of your own anxieties and
taking risks involving your own personal growth. You will need to overcome
your anxieties about change before you can begin to do things differently. You
may ask yourself, “Are changes possible?” and “Should I make them?”
Now is the time to make some important choices. You will need to answer
some tough questions.

Can You Forgive and Move Forward?

Forgiveness is the starting point.Most likely, your one-way relationship has
hurt you in many ways, and you have needed to forgive your partner, friend, or
relative in the past, but you will need to do it again. You cannot harbor
resentment and maintain a good relationship; sooner or later, you will have to
forgive the narcissist, and the sooner the better. Luckily, we are billionaires in
forgiveness; we have an endless supply. Remember, you do not have to feel
forgiving to forgive; it is an act of will, a decision you make, not a feeling. Also,
forgiving does not mean foolishly assuming that the narcissist will do no more
hurtful things in the future; he probably will and you should be on the alert so as
not to be taken advantage of. It may be helpful to remember that forgiveness is
also for you; by letting go, you can begin to heal too.

Exercise: Can You Forgive and Move Forward?

_____________________
_____________________

Are You Willing to Work on Just Yourself?

Another prerequisite for change is that you need to accept that you can only
change yourself. Can you resist the temptation of trying to change the narcissist?
It’s easy to fall back into old patterns, especially when success is not immediate.
And you may find yourself asking this: “Why do I have to change when she has
the problem? Shouldn’t it be fifty-fifty?” Quite frankly, we have never known a
relationship to be fifty-fifty. And besides, making changes is empowering,
because you are in control. Waiting around for others to change just makes you
feel weak and angry. You may think it’s unfair that you will have to do all the
work now, since you’re the only one who has worked for this relationship all
along—after all, it’s one-way! But most likely, you have worked in the wrong
areas, especially if you have been trying to change the narcissist.

Exercise: Are You Willing to Work on Just Yourself?

_____________________
_____________________

Is Your Loved One Capable of Loving You the Way You Need to Be Loved?
To put it bluntly, would you bet on a horse that has never won a race? If the
narcissist in your life has never had a successful reciprocal relationship, you are
making this bet. Oh sure, the narcissist will claim to love you, but there are many
types of love. A two-year-old loves his mother truly, but that is not the type of
love you look for in a romantic partner or a friend. The narcissist’s level of love
is immature, but it is all that he knows. Can he grow in his level of maturity in
loving? That is a tough one to call. Past success is a good predictor: Have you
seen any maturation since you have known him? If so, there is hope.

Exercise: Can Your Loved One Love You the Way

You Need to Be Loved?

_____________________
_____________________

Can You Settle for Half a Loaf?

They say that half a loaf is better than none. If you are to have a continuing
and mutually beneficial relationship with the narcissist, you will probably have
to put some of your expectations aside. For example, you might have to give up
the idea that she will always be emotionally supportive of you or that she will
take an interest in some of the things you love the most. You might have to take
some of the things that you thought you’d do together and do them separately.
The narcissist might never spend Christmas at your brother’s or back you up in
your arguments with your friends. But there may be other aspects of the
relationship that will make it worth your effort.

Exercise: Can You Settle for Half a Loaf?

_____________________
_____________________

Are You Ready to Get the Help You Need?

You should seriously consider getting professional help in your one-way
relationship. We recommend finding an expert who has a history of working
with narcissistic clients.
Narcissists can be quite challenging for therapists, especially those who are
not trained to work with them, so it’s important to put some effort into finding
someone with the right experience. A good resource might be a local university
with a graduate program in clinical psychology, or you can try the Institute for
Advanced Studies in Personality and Psychopathology in Port Jervis, New York,
or the Personality Disorders Institute at Cornell University. Both institutes train
clinicians to treat narcissistic people and may be able to recommend an expert in
your area. (See resources for more information.) When contacting a professional,
you will want to make an appointment for yourself; if the narcissist agrees to
come, so much the better.
True friends and trusted family members can also be a good source of
emotional support and encouragement, and you’ll need them if you decide to
make changes. There is also a good deal of reading material on narcissism,
including information on the Internet. You will want to read all you can and
become an expert. At the very least, you will know more about the topic than the
narcissist in your life.

Exercise: Are You Ready to Get the Help You Need?

 _____________________
_____________________

Have You Counted the Costs of Making Changes?

Making changes requires an investment of your time and energy. You should
keep in mind that there is a sacrifice here. You will put in a good deal of effort
before you see any results. In the beginning, you might have to endure some real
trials, perhaps even a crisis. There is also the risk that your relationship will
never get better, and you will have to confront this possibility if you decide to
make changes.

Exercise: What Are the Costs of Making Changes?

_____________________
_____________________

Is There Enough to Build On?

Before you decide to make changes, you will want to explore if there’s
enough in your relationship to build on. This means asking yourself questions
like the following: Have you seen areas of improvement in the past? Does your
one-way relationship have some elements of reciprocity? Have you successfully
negotiated anything in the past? Is your narcissist open to change? Has the
narcissist responded to any of your needs in a consistent manner? Have you seen
signs of commitment to the relationship? If not in your own relationship, has the
narcissist demonstrated any of the above with others? Answering such questions
in the affirmative means you have something to build on.

Exercise: Is There Enough to Build On?

_____________________
_____________________
Are You Too Afraid to Make Changes?
Unfortunately, many people fear changing what they do in a relationship.
Perhaps they believe it is better to do the same old, same old, even if doing so is
painful, because changing anything would risk losing the relationship. Here are
some other common fears people have about changing their behavior in an
unrewarding, one-way relationship:

fear of criticism or ridicule

fear of failure in a relationship

fear of real intimacy or commitment

fear of grieving the loss of a relationship

fear of being alone

fear of abandonment

fear of confrontation

fear of not having anything else to do with your life

Exercise: What Are You Afraid Of?

_____________________
_____________________
After asking yourself these important questions, you will know if you are
ready to make changes in your relationship. If you are, then it’s time to take the
next critical steps.
 Choosing What to Change
Change can be understood as a three-step process in which you determine what
changes you wish to make, you implement these changes, and you reap the
rewards of your efforts. We will examine two different ways that you can change
your relationship by changing what you do: the first is to maximize the positives
and minimize the negatives with the narcissist; the second is to increase the
amount of time you spend with the narcissist doing things that you both enjoy.
We will also look at a third option on the cutting edge of therapy: using an
intervention with the narcissist.There are no guarantees here, but with all of
these methods, if you stick to your guns, you may be able to transform your
relationship into more of a two-way reciprocal relationship with all of its
attendant rewards.

Maximize the Positives

One of the most confusing aspects of a one-way relationship is that there can
be some really good things in the relationship in spite of the negatives. This is
one reason that many people find one-way relationships with friends or lovers
worth working on. Or perhaps your relationship is with an ex, with whom you
are required to coparent, or a family member. In these instances, leaving the
relationship is not always possible. One way to change the relationship for the
better is to minimize the negatives and maximize the positives, or detach from
the fake and connect to what is real.
Detaching from the fake involves creating physical or psychological distance
from the most troubling things about the narcissist. An instance of physical
distancing could be telling your best friend that you do not want to go out to
dinner with her this evening because she will be drinking too much.
Psychological distancing, on the other hand, could be refusing to discuss your
romantic relationship with a narcissistic parent who is critical of your romantic
involvements. An important key in creating psychological distance is to
recognize that there is a good chance that you yourself may be an issue: that you
have something to prove, for example, that draws you into dysfunctional
interactions. In the case just mentioned, you might have a need to prove to your
parents that you are a competent person whose romantic choices are good.
Giving up your desire to resolve your own personal issues through the narcissist
goes a long way toward the creation of psychological space. It is a tactic that
many people overlook.
But simply detaching from the fake, in and of itself, is not enough. Often the
narcissist in your life will misinterpret this as a total rejection of the relationship.
So just as it is important to detach, it is essential that you connect with the
narcissist in an area of the relationship that you value: something that is real. So,
to use the previous examples, detaching from the fake and connecting to what is
real would go something like this: you would tell your friend that when she gets
home from dinner, you would love to watch a movie with her, or you would say
to your parents that you do not wish to discuss your personal relationships with
them but you would like to stop by this weekend to help them with their spring
cleaning.
What things should you connect to? Almost anything positive is good, but
you should also try to connect to what is real (something you truly value) in the
narcissist. It can be an exhilarating, liberating, and even therapeutic experience
for a narcissist when he recognizes that—with all of his shortcomings and
blemishes—his loved ones accept him for who he really is. He might even learn
to seek out this acceptance instead of your admiration for his inflated self, of
which he has spent a lifetime in pursuit.
Interestingly enough, the ancient Greeks in their myth of Narcissus were
wise enough to include in their mythology that the spell cast on Narcissus to fall
in love with himself could only be broken when he found out who he truly was!
The same holds true for the narcissist in your life. Remember, his need to inflate
himself only comes from his own belief that he is pathetic.Reaffirming what is
real in the narcissist is an excellent way of affirming his worth, as you connect to
what is real in him in a way that will not inflate his ego or tear him down.
The following exercise will help you figure out how to do this.

Exercise: Detaching from the Fake and Connecting to

What Is Real

Create a list of things that the narcissist does from which you wish to detach.
Start by checking off all of the following that apply in your situation:

verbal attacks

moodiness
 monopolizing the conversation

negative statements about you and others

efforts to control you

blaming you for his or her mistakes

threats of retribution

temper tantrums

bragging

using you

entitlement behaviors

showing off

use of alcohol or drugs

Now list some other things from which you would like to detach:
_____________________
_____________________
Next, list some things in the narcissist with which you wish to connect. Begin by
checking off any of the following traits that you appreciate about the narcissist:

enthusiasm

desire for adventure

hobbies

excitement over a sports team

love of cooking

wanting to show you how to play golf or another sport or favorite game
 desire to travel

love of videotaping the family

fondness for old black-and-white movies

Now list some other traits that are worth reinforcing in the narcissist:
_____________________
_____________________
After doing this exercise, you should be ready to change how you relate to
the narcissist. The next step is to implement this change.

IMPLEMENTING DETACHMENT AND CONNECTION

How do you communicate your desire to detach from the fake and connect to
what is real? Here’s an example: Imagine you are coming home from work, and
you wish to connect with your self-centered other by watching your favorite
standup comedian on television that evening while enjoying some baked Alaska;
both are activities you have previously enjoyed together. But when you come
home, you find that your self-centered other just wishes to complain about how
some family member of yours was too stupid to appreciate one of the narcissist’s
self-aggrandizing rants at the last family reunion. Your dialogue would go
something like this: Narcissist: How does that idiot brother of yours manage to
keep his job? What a loser!
You: (Detach from the fake and connect to what is real.) Yeah. Hey, why don’t I
start the baked Alaska for tonight? Are you as excited as I am?
Imagine, a two-hour special. I might not stop laughing until Thursday.
Narcissist: What? Are you defending him again? Are you as stupid as he is? I
didn’t think anyone could be.
You: (Detach from the fake and connect to what is real.) Seriously, it starts in
about fifteen minutes. I have to start now if we’re going to watch it on
time. I got your favorite vanilla ice cream. Come on, you big Eskimo
you, before I eat it all myself.
Narcissist: (Mumbles somewhat.) Just stupid…can’t understand anything…
moron. Do you know what channel it’s on?
You: Now you’re talking. I’m so glad that you turned me on to him. I love it that
 we have the same sense of humor. Five minutes to showtime!
Remember, you don’t have to be nasty to be persistent. Notice in this
imaginary dialogue that the connection was done lovingly and enthusiastically.
Your goal is to refuse to fight.
This next exercise will prepare you to implement detachment and connection
in your own one-way relationship. You’ll find this to be a good way to defuse
some of your relationship hot spots.

Exercise: Communicating Your Desire to Connect with

What Is Real

Pick three situations with the narcissist in your life where you want to
communicate your desire to connect with what is real, and then imagine what
you would say in each situation.

1. Your narcissist is doing something you want to detach from. The

narcissist does this by saying or doing the following:
_____________________
_____________________
You respond by detaching from the fake and connecting to what is
real in the following manner:
_____________________
_____________________

2. Your narcissist is doing something you want to detach from. He does this
by saying or doing the following:
_____________________
_____________________
You respond by detaching from the fake and connecting to what is
real in the following manner:
_____________________
_____________________
 3. Your narcissist is doing something you want to detach from. He does this
by saying or doing the following:
_____________________
_____________________
You respond by detaching from the fake and connecting to what is real in
the following manner:
_____________________
_____________________

Again, when you connect to what is real, you should be persistent and stick
to your guns. Don’t give up. Don’t be lured into yet another hurtful interaction.
Connection is an offer that a lot of people find impossible to refuse.

Find the Right Balance

As you choose what to change in your relationship, you may also want to
look at how you tend to spend your time. Any type of relationship, be it
friendship, romantic, or familial, can be seen as a balance between time that is
totally for yourself and time that you spend together. An example of a “me
activity” is spending time with your favorite niece apart from your loved one
while he plays softball. Later on, you might join your partner in landscaping the
yard, a “we activity.” The balance of me activities to we activities is different in
every relationship and is decided by the people involved; there is no right or
wrong way. We all need to be by ourselves and do me activities because we are
unique individuals who are different from the people we love. But we also need
to do we activities when we are in a relationship. Problems arise in relationships
when the two parties have different ideas of what is an ideal balance for them:
some might like a relationship where they do 40 percent of their activities
together and 60 percent apart, while others might like the reverse. People can
falsely assume that their mix is the correct one. This is particularly true in
romantic relationships.
It is our belief that conflicts arising over how much time you spend together
and apart account for the greatest amount of fighting in one-way relationships
and that a great deal of conflict can be resolved by renegotiating the issue. Here
are some common related misconceptions known to cause conflict:

“We have too many differences to have a relationship.”This incredibly

 common but false assumption is based on the misconception that the two
of you are the same. In actuality, there are hundreds of differences
between you, ranging from which room temperature you feel comfortable
with and how many hours of sleep you need to what your favorite foods
and television shows are. You have different genes, had different
upbringings, and may be of different genders. Irreconcilable differences
can end relationships, yet every relationship begins with them.

“She does not seem interested in anything I want to do.” She doesn’t
have to be interested. There are thousands of things to do in this world.
Find or create some things that you can do together.

“If we are a couple, we should do everything together.”No way! You

have a need to grow individually and separately as well as to be together.
Remember, you are different.

“We just don’t have enough in common.”Then find something new. You
may want to take a trip to the local bookstore and browse among the
hundreds of books available on hobby, recreational, and travel ideas, for
example. Websites abound for just about every interest known to
mankind. You can use them to find some things you might like to do
together.

Do you suffer from any of these misconceptions? The following exercise

will help you correct some of the issues that may be causing problems in your
one-way relationship. First you will identify your genuine differences. Next, you
will list similarities and other things you may be able to build on.

Exercise: Me Time, We Time

Check off the areas in which you and the narcissist are different. Consider doing
these things separately while connecting in other areas. This exercise is
especially useful with romantic partners, but it can be applied to other
relationships as well.

You like different television programs.

You have different friends.

 One of you does not get along with certain family members.

You like different sports.

You have different recreational desires.

You like to eat at different times.

You are of different faiths.

Your political views are different.

You like to go to bed at different times.

You do chores differently.

You have different interests.

What other things do you do differently?

_____________________
_____________________
Think of some things that you do together that you have both agreed should
be shared activities. Check off any of the following that apply:

cooking meals

taking vacations

eating out

setting up child care

spending time together during the holidays

What other things do you do together that fit into this category?
_____________________
_____________________
Finally, list some new things in which you feel you could connect and that
would be relatively problem free.
 taking up a sport together, such as golf or skiing

doing a hobby together, such as brewing beer or making home movies

learning a new skill by taking classes in adult education

doing some charitable work together for a worthy cause

planning a trip

starting a business

Now add some of your own ideas:

_____________________
_____________________
It should be obvious by now that narcissists are all about the “me time.” One
good strategy for avoiding fighting over their self-centeredness is to offer them
their time to do things they want to do while making an invitation to do more
things together. Here are some examples: “When you’re done on the Internet, I
thought that we could go out for some ice cream, okay?” Or “After you are done
writing your speech today, would you like to go visit Amanda?”

Exercise: Making Me-Time, We-Time Statements

Acknowledge or promise the time the narcissist wants, and then ask for some
time together. Use the following phrases to practice getting started.

1. “After you’ve had a chance to ___________ , how would you like to

___________ ?”

2. “When you’ve finished ___________ , how about we ___________ ?”

3. “I see that you’re busy with ___________ . When you’re finished with
that, can we ___________ ?”

With more practice, it will become easier to acknowledge the narcissist’s me

time while asking for more we time.And you may just get the results you’re
looking for.

Do an Intervention with the Narcissist

It is a real challenge to make changes in a one-way relationship. Sometimes
the best efforts fail. Perhaps there is one more option.
One of the newer, cutting-edge approaches being advocated by experts is the
intervention. Doing an intervention can be a difficult yet valuable strategy in
dealing with highly resistant narcissistic people. Interventions can take a good
deal of time, preparation, and resources, and note that with intervention, you risk
terminating the relationship. An intervention is a technique that was originally
developed to break through the denial and resistance in a substance abuser who
refuses to acknowledge her problem. Several key people in the substance
abuser’s life—family members, friends, and the like—confront her with her
problem, the pain she has caused them, and their concern for her well-being.
They are usually aided by a professional trained in interventions. In some
instances, a bed in a rehab center has previously been reserved and the patient’s
bags are already packed.
More recently, interventions have been used to break through the denial of
people with eating disorders. The fact that it is a technique specifically designed
to prevail over denial makes it a good choice for narcissists because denial is one
of their key symptoms.
We’re aware that it may seem contradictory for us to propose intervention as
an option with the narcissist, since we’ve emphasized throughout this book that
the only person you can change is yourself. It’s true that you can’t make
someone else change. The goal of an intervention, however, would be to break
through the narcissist’s denial, to help him see himself the way others see him. If
it works, there is a strong possibility that the intervention would make the
narcissist want to change himself.
Here are the steps in implementing an intervention:

1. Enlist the aid of a professional. Interventions can be very stormy and

emotional experiences. While it is possible to have an intervention
without a professional, your chances are better with the help of an
experienced practitioner. One place to look is the Institute for Advanced
Studies in Personality and Psychopathology (see resources).

2. Enlist your participants. These should be people who have some

 influence over the narcissist or people whom the narcissist has hurt in
some way. Stick to about four or five people if you can.

3. Plan your intervention. The key participants should meet at least one time
to plan the meeting without the narcissist’s knowledge. In this meeting,
you need to set goals, like getting the narcissist to commit to
psychotherapy. Develop talking points; everyone should have only one or
two key things to say. Try to stick to those points without hitting the
narcissist with everything under the sun. Remember to communicate
compassion throughout the session and resist the temptation to withhold
it for revenge. Plan strategies for what to do if and when the narcissist
resists. Be prepared to apply a consequence if the narcissist insists on
carrying on the same old, same old. Ending the relationship, litigating, or
not participating in certain activities with the narcissist are some
possibilities. Leverage is your ace in the hole.

4. During the intervention, stay calm, for things can get rough. Remember,
this is a loving gesture done out of concern. Make it clear that ignoring
the problem would have only hurt the narcissist. You may be surprised
that this show of support actually touches the narcissist. Avoid labels and
general sweeping statements. Use I-messages. Stay upbeat and helpful.

Although interventions with substance abusers are generally effective,

statistics on interventions with narcissists are not yet available.
 Implementing Change and Reaping the Rewards
Implementing changes will probably be difficult because you are trying to
change the relationship in a new way that will not be familiar. Also, the
narcissist will doubtless do everything in her power to make the relationship go
back to the way it was. Most people tend to give up at this point, believing it is
not worth the effort and that the old way was not as bad. They’re wrong!
If you want to make changes in your relationship, you will need to be
persistent. Changes come slowly in one-way relationships, and even small
changes are good ones, especially in the beginning. Don’t be disheartened if
things in your relationship initially take a turn for the worse, for they almost
always do, even in successful cases. Normal growth in relationships is usually
two steps forward and one step back. Stick with it.
And don’t overlook the professional help option, especially if you are
considering ending the relationship. Every person and every relationship is
different, and a professional will be able to utilize your unique strengths and
abilities to find other solutions. A professional will also be able to help you
move on should the relationship come to an end. And that is always an option as
well.
Chapter 9
 Strategies for Managing Narcissists in
the Workplace
Narcissists at work present special challenges, but the difficulties depend most
upon how much power, influence, and daily face-to-face contact exist. Thus, a
narcissistic boss with whom you have constant contact will be a much greater
challenge to you than a narcissistic coworker whom you rarely see. Because a
good deal of your financial and emotional welfare depends upon your
employment, destructive narcissistic relationships can be a little more critical
than, for example, social relationships with the very self-centered. As a result,
effective interactions can become even more important. The exercises in this
chapter were designed with the workplace in mind.
 Some Key Strategies
The following strategies are designed not only to protect you from the
narcissist’s toxins but also to make you a valued employee who is less likely to
be dismissed from your job due to fallout from the narcissist.

If Possible, Avoid the Offender

Perhaps the most obvious way to deal with one-way relationships at work is
to simply avoid them.If there is a narcissist in the lunchroom, eat somewhere
else. If she is in payroll, avoid payroll. This may not be easy because people are
drawn to narcissists, and there is usually a lot of action whenever they are
around. Narcissists like to be seen as movers and shakers, and being around
them often fills a need within us to be a part of it all. It makes us feel energized
and important. Plus, narcissists always have some way of drawing you in.
Remember though, narcissists are like Las Vegas: a lot of flashing bright lights
with tons of excitement, but you usually walk away the loser. Better to stay away
if you can.

Develop Talking Points and Stick to Them

Take a lesson from politicians. When you are in a position where you have to
interact with a narcissistic coworker, rehearse the discussion as much as you can
beforehand. Have a strategy. Know exactly what you want to achieve and stick
to that. Don’t let the narcissist suck you in to his own agendas or distract you
with flattery. Politely acknowledge his agendas and get right back to your
talking points. And keep the list of talking points short, two or three at most.

Stay in Your Lane

Another simple yet often overlooked strategy is to simply do your job. We
believe that this is always the best work strategy. Being known to your employer
as a good and conscientious employee will protect you from the slings and
arrows aimed at you by narcissistic coworkers. Don’t get involved in the office
gossip about or with narcissistic people. If the narcissist invites you to do
something outside the office, such as playing golf, politely decline. If the
narcissist asks you to do special favors, simply say you are too busy doing your
work. If she starts denigrating another of your coworkers, excuse yourself and go
back to your job. It may take a while, but eventually the narcissist will get the
picture and troll for attention elsewhere. And don’t forget that when you stay in
your lane, do your work, and resist the bait (“Wow, you’d make a great addition
to my political action committee!”), you are supporting your organization’s
goals, which makes you an invaluable employee who is worth protecting. Even
from narcissists.

Don’t Get Taken in by the Flattery

Remember the process of splitting? After the narcissist adores you, he hates
you. The narcissist will flatter the heck out of you in the beginning, projecting
his fantasies of perfection onto you. If you have something that is valuable to
him, he will think that you are wonderful. If you accept the flattery, you will
have opened the door to a relationship. When the narcissist inevitably finds out
that you are only human, he will become disappointed and then will totally
devalue you, and you will be persona non grata. So don’t be deceived by the
flattery in the first place.

Look for Possible End Runs

If a narcissistic coworker is someone whom you have to work with or go
through on a regular basis, sometimes you may choose to go around and not
through her. For example, suppose you are doing a report with a narcissistic
coworker who is grandstanding and wasting time by trying to expand her portion
of the report. Rather than telling her to speed it up and risk a vitriolic and self-
serving attack about how you cannot appreciate all the wonderful things she is
putting into the report, go to the narcissist’s boss and ask the boss to ask your
coworker to speed things up.
It helps to be a strong networker and to cultivate relationships with others
who may have more influence over the narcissist than you do. You may be able
to find common ground in your organization with key individuals. Although
someone might be three layers of management above you, that person is your
equal if the two of you attend the same church, collect and have an affection for
old vinyl records, or belong to the local Rotary Club. Maybe you have a mutual
friend. It would be very difficult, indeed, for your narcissistic boss to abuse his
boss’s outside-of-work associate, that being you!
Also, don’t forget the strategy of going over someone’s head. While we do
not feel that this is a good strategy to use all the time, it is certainly handy when
used strategically.

Never Get into a Pissing Contest

Believe us, you will not get credit for winning a pissing match with a
coworker. And in the process, you will look like as big a blowhard as the
narcissist. Plus, when you get angry, you are making it personal, which lets the
narcissist into your life. You really only need to state your point once or twice.
Thereafter, your effort is fruitless. And never lose your temper; always stay
calm. Let your narcissistic coworker know that you are off-limits and someone
with whom it does not pay to argue. (Careful now: If your pride will not let you
back off, you might need to examine some of your own narcissism!)

Document When Necessary

Narcissists are notorious for making big promises without necessarily feeling
a need to follow through, especially if it becomes inconvenient later on. (“I just
want to let you know how much we appreciate you around here. See that new
office going in on the first floor? That’ll be yours by the summertime, and that’s
a promise!”) If you receive a promise from a narcissistic administrator, you will
want to send an e-mail thanking the narcissist for the promise and save a copy
for yourself. Consider copying others who might be key in the decision.
Also, document what the narcissist falsely claims she cannot do. For
example, if your narcissistic administrator says, “Sorry, it’s really not my job to
review your expense account,” send her an e-mail telling her that you appreciate
the information, but you believe it to be incorrect. Keep a diary including dates,
times, and places and exactly what the narcissist has said. Narcissists are
notorious for misrepresenting events to make themselves look better. Be sure to
keep other important documents, such as audits and time sheets. If you are
forced to meet with a narcissist, consider bringing a witness.

Network, Network, Network

Networking always makes good sense, even when you are not dealing with a
narcissistic coworker. And if you do have a narcissistic coworker, that person
will think twice before taking you on if he knows you have friends and
connections. Here are some good ways to go about building up your social
network.

Become enthusiastic about other people’s agendas. Pick agendas that you
believe in and those of people whom you would like to know better.

Identify and make connections with rising stars and become a promoter
of the star’s talents. Consider training or mentoring someone new to the
office. Experienced people often overlook newcomers. And, hey, this
person might be your boss someday.

Toot your own horn. Sometimes it is easy to get lost in the gigantic
shadows that narcissists cast. While it may seem self-serving, it is a good
public relations strategy to let the public know about the good things that
you do. You can do this informally through the grapevine or through
other, more conventional information channels. Some volunteer positions
are more visible than others, and you should consider taking those that
are.

Be mindful of existing social networks. In just about every organization,

there is a tacit social organization not portrayed on the organizational
diagram. Even though they are far apart within the organization, the guy
on the loading dock might be the vice president’s brother-in-law and best
friend, for example. It’s important not to step on anyone’s toes, and it’s
important to develop friendships across the various levels of your
organization. You can do this by joining one of the extracurricular
activities that many organizations offer their employees or simply by
having a cup of coffee with someone you’d like to get to know.

Join professional organizations. Don’t overlook these. Try to attend the

regular meetings and go to workshops as well. Stay fresh and informed.
It will make you a valuable source of information and also help keep
your batteries charged.

Use the Internet. Networking websites for professionals such as LinkedIn

make it easier to connect with people who have similar positions to yours
as well as people who can be helpful to your career. You can also use the
Internet to get more information about narcissistic and other toxic
coworkers. We maintain a site at http://thetoxiccoworker
.wordpress.com. Check it out!
Get a Mentor
Wisdom is a precious commodity. Find somebody within or outside of your
organization who not only can help you with your career but also knows how to
manage people like your narcissistic coworker. And now, with the advent of
Skype, you can be mentored by anyone in the world. Pay your mentor if you
have to. It’s worth it.

Bloom in Your Own Garden

Be known throughout your organization as the expert in your area. Be the
go-to guy or gal. Being a highly valued employee is one of the best ways to
protect yourself from self-centered, self-serving others. Here are a few ways to
do that:

Make public presentations. Others in the organization might benefit from

your knowledge and experiences. Corporations are always planning
meetings or workshops. Volunteer for one and shine!

Make yourself an expert in a particular area: the one who knows

PowerPoint or Excel, the one who has good relationships with suppliers
and customers, the one who can fix broken computers or get a copy
machine to work.

Publish articles in your trade. This helps you get known outside your
own organization.

Making yourself indispensable to your organization and your coworkers is a

great defense against the narcissist in your workplace.

Exercise Damage Control

If you are working with a narcissist, sooner or later you will need to do some
damage control to repair the harm he has done to you or your reputation. Perhaps
you will have to correct the false rumors that he has spread about you or the
incorrect information he has given someone. If you supervise a narcissistic
employee, you will have to develop a system of monitoring her on a regular
basis, ensuring that she does not exploit others or inappropriately cross
boundaries. Don’t let these things fester; jump on them right away.
Utilize Corporate and Legal Services to Protect You
Many corporations have policies, and there are federal and state laws as well,
designed to protect people from coworkers or bosses who inflict harm on others.
Many corporations offer mediation services to help resolve workplace
difficulties. You can contact your department of human resources to find out if
these services exist in your organization.
Many states have anti-bullying laws. Workplace bullying can be defined as
continual aggressive or unreasonable behavior that is humiliating to a coworker
or subordinate. Workplace bullying can be physical or psychological. Also,
remember that if you report the behavior of a narcissist in your workplace, many
states now have laws in place to protect you from retaliation, such as New
Jersey’s Conscientious Employee Protection Act (CEPA), also referred to as the
“whistleblower statute.”
Retaliation can take many forms, such as being harassed, demoted, or
“overlooked” for a promotion, or even being fired. The U.S. Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission exists to protect people from racial and sexual
discriminatory behaviors, which are often exhibited by narcissists. If you are
confused over what avenue to take, contact an attorney who specializes in
workplace law. The attorney can help guide you through the legal morass and
get you the help you need.
If a narcissist is having a negative effect on you, chances are you are not
alone. When narcissists are in charge, organizations do not run well. There tends
to be high staff turnover, along with low morale and low productivity. Working
for or with a narcissist results in a lot of stress within organizations as evidenced
by increased stress-related physical and emotional disorders. This in turn leads to
increased use of sick leave and absenteeism. Disciplinary actions become more
frequent, as do requests for transfers. Interpersonal conflict increases among
employees. Dealing with narcissistic supervisors effectively is not only good for
you but is good for others as well.

Choose Your Battles

Dealing with a narcissistic boss or administrator effectively can be a huge
challenge, and it’s always important to pick your battles. Elsewhere we’ve
emphasized the importance of setting boundaries and saying no and have given
you examples of how to do this with a narcissistic boss (see chapter 6).
However, there are instances when narcissists won’t take no for an answer and
will lash out or act out in some way. If you have a narcissistic bully for a boss,
you may want to consider looking around for other work. If that’s not an option
for now, however, then your goal is to survive in what unfortunately is a highly
dysfunctional work situation. In that case, you’ll do better if you can figure out
what your boss or supervisor really wants from you (for example, does he want
to control you, does she want your undying loyalty, or does he want you to
admire him?) and then use this information to your advantage. Although this
may sound disingenuous, if you need the job and you need to survive in this
workplace, it can be a useful approach.
 Dealing with the Hot Spots
After reading this book and completing the exercises, it will be difficult for you
to go back to old patterns of reacting to the narcissist. Having a deeper
understanding of narcissism will change the way that you actually perceive,
experience, and react to the self-centered coworker or boss in your life.
In the following exercise, you will take a hot spot—one of the worst
experiences that you have had—with your narcissistic coworker or boss and
describe how you interpreted the experience, how you felt, and how you
behaved. You will then have a chance to describe how you would react
differently if the same thing were to happen today, based on what you’ve learned
about narcissism.
Here’s an example of a hot spot:“My narcissistic secretary asked me to pick
up her dry cleaning on my way home from work. She often promises me ‘a
special treat’ if I do, hinting at a sexual relationship. I don’t mind so much, but
she never gives me money, and I have to use my own money and accept her
offer to pay me back the next day. But she never pays me until weeks later and
never reimburses me correctly. She now owes me over thirty dollars. Needless to
say, I never get my ‘special treat.’ ”
If this were you talking, your past interpretations or personal beliefs about
the hot spot might be “Everybody adores her. She is the office hottie, and we all
want to be her favorite. I was hoping that she would like me. I thought it would
make me feel special and the office staff would look up to me. I was hoping that
she would really find me attractive.”
You might say that you felt the following: “I felt used and stupid, like a
hormonal teenager in heat. I feel like the office fool. I feel unattractive and
awkward, like I am the ultimate loser.”
Here’s how you might describe your behavior: “I told her continuously that it
was okay if she didn’t have all the money, in spite of the fact that I knew I could
use the money I’d loaned her. I lied when she asked me if I still adored her and I
said yes. I laughed at her dumb jokes and acted like I was really interested in her
long-winded story about how the guys at the laundry fell all over themselves
when she told them about her sexy dresses at home. I acted in a way that was
totally not me, a fake, a phony.”
Given what you know about narcissism now, you might have a very different
reaction: “If the same thing happened today, I would tell her to go elsewhere for
a loan.”

Exercise: Your Hot Spot

Now describe one of your own hot spots and how you thought, felt, and behaved
at the time. Then describe how you would reinterpret the same situation if it
were to happen today, given what you now know about narcissism. How would
you respond to the narcissist?
Your hot spot:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Your interpretations or your personal beliefs about the hot spot were:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
How did you feel? List your emotions:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
How did you behave? Write down how you responded:
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Now that you know about narcissism, how would you interpret the same
situation differently? How would you react differently if the same thing were to
happen now?
_____________________
 _____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Writing about your hot spots can be instructive. If you have other hot spots
that you want to reinterpret, you can write about what happened in the past and
consider how you might react differently now and in the future if something
similar were to occur. This will prepare you for reacting differently to the
narcissist in your workplace. It will also be rewarding to recognize how much
you’ve learned and how far you’ve already come.
 Above and Beyond: Differentiation of Self
This part of this chapter goes above and beyond simple problem solving into the
much more complex and challenging task of not just changing what you do but
transforming who you are and how you approach life in general: a challenging
and continuing process of self-improvement which can take years. While it is
beyond the scope of this chapter to give full instruction in this area, we want to
introduce you to the concepts here as a real and effective solution to workplace
issues. We think you will find the ideas that follow very useful in dealing with
your narcissistic coworker.

A Colleague’s Story

One day, as we were walking across campus, we were observing staff

taking care of the beautiful campus surroundings when we came across a
colleague who went into a tirade about how the college wasted too much
money on campus care and maintenance. This was an obvious
overreaction, and it seemed to upset this colleague for the rest of the day.
Observing this overreaction, a coworker observed under his breath, “Dude,
get a life.”
Actually, our coworker wasn’t very far from wrong. Our mutual colleague
needs to be able to separate himself from some of the day-to-day activities of his
job and not let everything that goes on at the campus bleed into him and totally
disrupt his sense of calm. That is, he needs to differentiate what truly matters to
him from the smaller things that go on in his job and only respond to the ones
that could really affect him.
In the same way that it is possible to become enmeshed or codependent with
another person, it is also possible to become enmeshed or codependent with your
workplace and fellow workers. People who are overly dependent upon their
workplace will naturally be more affected by job stressors than people who are
not, and this includes being stressed out by a narcissistic coworker. We are not
saying here that you should be unconcerned about the issues that affect you at
work; rather, we are saying that you should not let them consume you. If your
whole life centers around your job, narcissistic coworkers will wear you out in a
hurry. If, on the other hand, other things are important to you, such as working
with a charity that brings food to needy and hungry children, for example, you
will probably not spend as much time rehashing old memories of the times your
self-centered coworker used you or got the best of you.
By now, you should understand the importance of maintaining boundaries.
One of the simplest and most basic of all boundaries is the ability to recognize
which things hold the most value in your life and which don’t. Psychologists
often refer to this ability to discern what’s important from what’s not as
differentiation of self. When you become overly enmeshed in your workplace,
you lack this differentiation of self. This is referred to as fusion. People who are
fused with their workplace, like the man who complained about campus
maintenance, are much more disturbed by what happens on their job than people
who are not fused.
One of the more recent trends in resolving interpersonal issues at work has
been to examine how our early relationships with family members may affect
our relationships on the job. In other words, you may find that in the workplace
you repeat patterns of behavior that you learned while growing up.
Our first attempts at self-differentiation originate when we are growing up
and are trying to separate our own intellectual and emotional functioning from
that of our family. When we are very young, naturally everything that goes on in
the family affects us, and we cannot help but be affected by our parents’
behavior. It is natural to be fused when we are children. As we get older, we
begin to develop our own identities and differentiate ourselves from our family,
having more separate lives of our own. We should no longer be fused with our
family.
When people grow up and become employed, those who are high in self-
differentiation are able to maintain their sense of well-being, even when things
around them are falling apart. They feel insulated and do not become entangled
in the emotional upsets or problems of others. They know who they are and
embrace their own personal values strongly, and it is difficult to knock them off
course. On the other hand, people who are low in self-differentiation are like
cars without shock absorbers and feel every bump in the road; everything seems
to upset them. They let everything in, like houses with no walls. (So the next
time your boss tells you that everyone there “is just one big happy family,”
consider what she is actually saying! )
We have created a scale to measure your degree of fusion to your workplace.
Don’t imagine that anyone is perfect in this area; they aren’t. But as a general
rule, lower scores on this scale are best. They would indicate that a person is
high in self-differentiation and low in fusion.
 Exercise: Workplace Differentiation Inventory

The following list of statements takes an inventory of your feelings and thoughts
about your work and your relationships with supervisors and coworkers
(including people you supervise). Please read each statement carefully and then,
on a scale of 1 to 6, where 1 signifies that this statement is not at all true of you
and 6 signifies that it is very true of you, circle the number that best describes
how well the statement describes you. There are no right or wrong answers.
 Now add up your score. How did you do? We believe that people who score
50 and below are far less fused with issues that occur in their workplace,
including those involving narcissistic coworkers. If you are in this group,
congratulations! You are much less prone to be affected by a narcissistic
coworker. If you scored between 51 and 75 points, a good deal of your happiness
in life comes from outside your workplace, but there may be times when you
overreact to workplace issues. You most likely need to make some minor
adjustments in your life, and a little self-differentiation might help. If you scored
over 75 but under 100 points, perhaps you are too involved with your work and
need to begin to discover more things that you value, both in your workplace
and, if possible, in other areas of your life. And if you scored over 100 points, it
is most likely that you are disturbed about a number of problems in your
workplace besides a narcissistic coworker. Developing your own personal values
and goals both within and outside of the workplace is going to be essential for
you in overcoming workplace stresses. You might need to make this a high
priority in your life.
 Developing Your Own Career Values and Goals
Focusing on your own values and goals is always a good idea. When you are
proactive about your own career, you will find it easier to insulate yourself from
the narcissist’s tactics. You will have more self-differentiation. Putting your
energy into what you most value about your work will help you to be not so
easily derailed by the narcissist’s insensitive incursions. Here are some examples
of how that might work:

It will be easier to avoid being sucked into the narcissist’s request that
you participate in his new moneymaking pyramid scheme because you
are taking extra classes, for example, to make you a more marketable
employee.

You will turn down the narcissist’s invitations more easily because you
are focused on your upcoming bid for a promotion that will look
wonderful on your resume.

You will soar above the narcissist’s venomous rants about the
“inefficiency of the supply room,” knowing that others are looking up to
you as a leader with character, something you always wanted to achieve.

Being clearheaded and passionate about what you want to achieve in your
career puts daily difficulties into perspective. It helps you outgrow the traps of
the narcissist in much the same way you outgrew schoolyard teasing or bullying.
In fact, there’s probably not much difference between these situations. Try to
rise above the fray by aiming for the higher things in life.
So, what do you want out of life in terms of your career? What goals do you
want to set for yourself? Remember also that it’s important to specify when you
want to achieve your goals, or else they are just dreams and fantasies.

Exercise: Identifying Your Career Values and Goals

This is a three-part exercise. First, identify your long-term
goals. These might include any of the following: in five
years, you want to be making $200,000 a year; by this
time next year, you want to be branch supervisor; you
 time next year, you want to be branch supervisor; you
want to have a $20,000 down payment to put on a house
in six months; you want to train someone to take over
your position by the summer so you can accept a transfer
opportunity to Boulder; you want to be number one in
sales this quarter; you want to have enough money to
retire in six years; you want to be able to take a month off
next year to take your family to China; you want to go
back for a master’s degree so you can become a
manager. Use your imagination to come up with your own
long-term goals and be specific about when you want to
achieve them.

What are your long-term goals?

_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
What are your short-term goals? Write down what you would need to do in
the next few months to put yourself on the right track for achieving your long-
term goals. Specify dates for achieving these short-term goals.
Date: ___________ Short-term goal: ___________
Date: ___________ Short-term goal: ___________
Date: ___________ Short-term goal: ___________
What are your daily goals? What would you need to do today and this week
to help forward your short-term goals?
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Again, defining and developing your own career values and goals is a great
way to overcome stresses on the job, especially those created by a narcissistic
coworker.
 Certainly, there is no shortage of self-serving individuals in the workplace
today. Knowing how to manage them and ward off their attacks is a fundamental
job skill. This chapter has given you many good tools to help you in this
endeavor. Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight, and most likely your
narcissistic coworker will not change. But if you are persistent in your
application of these tools, you will be able to survive and perhaps even thrive in
your workplace.
A final note: If you are in a truly toxic environment, you might find it in your
own best interest to leave and find work elsewhere. After all, no one should have
to sacrifice her health and well-being just to stay employed at a particular place.
Remember, even in tough economic times, those who work the hardest at finding
gainful and meaningful employment are still usually the ones who get the best
positions. If you find yourself in a highly toxic workplace, perhaps you should
consider putting your energies elsewhere. This option is always open to you.
 Resources
Recommended Reading
Bowen, M. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Lanham, MD: Jason Aronson, 1992.

Brown, N. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2001.

———. Loving the Self-Absorbed. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2003.

Carter, S., and J. Sokol. Help, I’m in Love with a Narcissist. New York: M. Evans and Co., 2005.

Doherty, N., and M. Guyler. The Essential Guide to Workplace Mediation and Conflict Resolution.
Philadelphia: Kogan Page, 2008.

Forward, S., with D. Frazier. Emotional Blackmail. New York: Harper Paperbacks, 1998.

Glass, L. Toxic People: Ten Ways of Dealing with People Who Make Your Life Miserable. New York: St.
Martin’s Press, 1995.

Glowinski, K. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. N.p.: BookSurge Publishing. 2008.

Ilardo, J. Risk-Taking for Personal Growth. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1992.

Mooney, N. I Can’t Believe She Did That! Why Women Betray Other Women at Work. New York: St.
Martin’s Press, 1970.

Payson, E. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. Royal Oak, MI: Julian Day Publications, 2002.

Ronningstam, E. Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications. Washington,

DC: American Psychiatric Press, 1998.

Rothstein, A. The Narcissistic Pursuit of Perfection. 2nd rev. ed. Madison, CT: International Universities
Press,1999.

Simon, G. K. In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. New York: A. J
Christopher and Co., 1996.

Stenack, R. Stop Controlling Me! What to Do When Someone You Love Has Too Much Power Over You.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2001.

Vaknin, S., and L. Rangelovska. Malignant Self-Love and Narcissism Revisited. Prague, CZ: Narcissus
Publications, 2007.

Viscusi, S. Bulletproof Your Job. New York: HarperCollins, 2008.

Zayn, C., and K. Dibble. Narcissist Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On. Fall Hills, NJ: New
Horizon Press, 2007.
 Other Resources
Institute for Advance Studies in Personality and Psychopathology.
www.millon.net. The institute is run by Theodore Millon, a noted expert in
narcissism and personality disorders; it trains clinicians who treat narcissistic
people and is a good starting place to ask for a recommendation for a therapist
who can set up a personal intervention.
Personality Disorders Institute, Weill Medical College, Cornell University.
www.borderlinedisorders.com. The home of Otto Kernberg, one of the leaders in
personality disorder research, this institute trains psychotherapists to treat
“difficult patients,” including narcissists, and offers help to those afflicted with
personality disorders.
 References
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Beattie, M. 1987. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.
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———. 1989. Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time. New York: HarperCollins.

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Bernstein, A. J. 2001. Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry. New York:
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———. 2003. How to Deal with Emotionally Explosive People. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Black, J., and G. Enns. 1997. Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Own Life. Oakland, CA:
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Campbell, W. K. 2005. When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself. Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks
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Cavaiola, A., and N. Lavender. 2000. Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job.
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 NEIL J. LAVENDER, PH.D., HAS WORKED AS A PRACTICING PSYCHOLOGIST
SPECIALIZING IN RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS SINCE 1989. HE IS PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY
AT OCEAN COUNTY COLLEGE IN THE JERSEY SHORE AREA. ALONG WITH ALAN
CAVAIOLA, HE COAUTHORED TOXIC COWORKERS, WHICH PRESENTLY HAS BEEN
TRANSLATED INTO FIVE LANGUAGES. TOGETHER, THEY HAVE BEEN FEATURED ON THE
RADIO, ON TELEVISION, AND IN PRINT MEDIA ADDRESSING THE TOPIC OF PERSONALITY
DISORDERS IN PERSONAL AND WORKPLACE RELATIONSHIPS.

ALAN CAVAIOLA, PH.D., IS PROFESSOR IN THE DEPARTMENT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL

COUNSELING AT MONMOUTH UNIVERSITY WHERE HE IS A MEMBER OF THE GRADUATE
FACULTY. HE IS A LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST, A LICENSED CLINICAL ALCOHOL AND DRUG
COUNSELOR, AND A LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR. IN ADDITION TO HIS TEACHING,
CAVAIOLA HAS BEEN A PRACTICING PSYCHOLOGIST SINCE 1988. HE IS COAUTHOR OF
TOXIC COWORKERS, ASSESSMENT AND TREATMENT OF DWI OFFENDERS, AND A PRACTICAL
GUIDE TO CRISIS INTERVENTION.