WHY I CONVERTED TO THE ORTHODOX FAITH

Preface
I met Fr. Pataci in 1964 in Rome for the first time. We studied together for two years in the Institute of Eastern
Studies. During that same period, an event was taking place, which was very significant for the Roman Catholic
Church, an event that stirred up its otherwise calm waters: The second Vatican Council was ending. The
presence of hundreds of Bishops from all over the world admittedly gave Rome an imposing image and
displayed evidently the worldwide splendor and might of the Roman Catholic Church. It was clear to whoever
had been following up that event that despite the prophesies of the past, the first Rome had not declined. On the
contrary, Rome was opening new paths now, for her future dynamical presence in the world.

However, to a deep observer, that external glory and magnificence of the Council could not hide the internal rifts and the
mutually conflicting currents within the bosom of the Roman Catholic hierarchy and the Roman Catholic Church in
general. The main demand of the Council —the so-called aggiornamento— had already caused a great turmoil in all the
strata, and great changes in all the structures of the Papal Church. At the same time, this situation caused great concern and
uncertainly within the souls of many of its faithful. Via these changes which were accompanied by the spirit of the modern
secularization, century-old structures of Papacy were now at the mercy of a landslide.

But on the other hand, out of this confusion something positive emerged: There appeared a current of return to the sources
—the so-called «nostalgy towards Orthodoxy». The development of this current within the bosom of the Church of Rome
was greatly contributed upon by the Liturgical Movement in the West and by the publishing of many Patristic works. A
special role was played by the great interest towards Byzantine painting and namely by the discovery of the Orthodox icon
and its theological content. The presence and the work of some brilliant Orthodox theologians in the West during that era
played also an important role in the incitement of the interest towards Orthodoxy.

Fr. Pataci was one of those who proceeded from this current of the return to the sources of the Christian faith and to the
indivisible tradition of the Church of the first eleven centuries. Being a refugee from Hungary to the West after the tragic
incidents of 1956, and an only-born son, Fr. Pataci was a member of a Catholic family of the bourgeoisie of Budapest. The
indifference of his parents towards faith and the path that he himself had chosen were his torture cross that he carried in
this life. As a young Catholic having a zeal for the search of the truth, he first approached Jesuits. Their resistance against
the Communist regime impressed him as a young man. He joined their order. He owes them his education and cultured
erudition. But he could not withstand to the end the Jesuitic system of life and thought. H was not satisfied just with the
knowledge only, or with the principles of the intelligence-mindedness and the ethicism of Jesuits. He was after the deepest
spiritual experience and life which he could not find in the Roman Church. When he had already become an Orthodox, I
asked him once: «What is the difference, in your opinion, between the Roman and the Orthodox Church?'» He said: «In the
Roman Church 1 met many good people. But I have never found a really spiritual person».

Fr. Gabriel Pataci was a man of a «deep» heart. His thirst was a thirst for the unification of mind and heart. He intensely
felt —both in himself and in the world around him— the schismatic disunity between mind and heart, knowledge and faith,
action and existence. Although the greatest part of his conscious life he spent with Jesuits, they, on their part, have never
been able to incorporate him fully into their system, though they employed all their refined, century-old and tried methods.
Jesuits themselves admit that he remained «inadaptabie». He would internally resist against their idealized and intel-
ligence-minded picture about God and the mystery of Revelation. The intelligence-minded ethicism and the mimetism of
Christ's life that lies in their spiritual exercises used to literally torture him. He was looking for the spiritual fullness, and
not finding it hurt him a lot. This pain —constantly marking his face as well-escorted him until the end of his earthly life.

A milestone in his life was his first contact with the Orthodox worship even before leaving Hungary, as well as his
acquaintance with the Russian Literature and consequently with the theology of the Orthodox Diaspora. His then Jesuit
guides, not understanding the existential cry of his soul, thought that —according to their own understanding of worship—
it was sufficient for him to substitute the Byzantine type of worship for the Latin type, so that his wishes would be
satisfied. Perhaps himself too, as a priest this time, was initially satisfied with the transition from the Latin to the Byzantine
type of rites. But very soon he realized the adulteration of the Orthodox worship within Uniatism and the simultaneous
adulteration of the very spiritual life as well. The external adaptation to the worship rituals did not mean a real approach to
the substance and content of the worship. A worship segregated from true faith not only ceases being alive and an
«intelligibie worships but it also runs the risk of being converted into mockery of God or into a pseudo-worship of man.

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Therefore, the forgery and thearticity of the Uniatic worship posed a serious problem for him and led him to the search of
the very root of the worship and its truth.

Of course it was not easy for him to liberate himself from all those things that he had learned and lived with for so many
years. However, his studies in Rome, in the Institute of Eastern Studies, together with Orthodox students, and the major
fermentations that took place within the Roman Church at the time, helped him slowly understand that the equilibrium he
was after, lay in the union of faith and worship, that is, in the integrated and alive tradition of the Church of the first
centuries.

Fr. Pataci had already by that time realized that the Orthodox Church maintained this integrated tradition and internal
interpenetration of faith, morality and all the aspects of life. However, for a while he thought that he should stay where he
were, in order to bear witness in the bosom of the Roman Church, about the Orthodox tradition. But after his visit to Mt.
Athos in 1971 and his contact with spiritual fathers and theologians in Mt. Athos and elsewhere in Greece, it was clear to
him that he could no more compromise with his consciousness, nor could he play with his salvation. So he decided to
accept Orthodoxy.

He applied and asked for his admission to the indivisible Church of our Fathers via the Russian Archbishopric of Paris. His
request was accepted. During the last years of his life he studied thoroughly the Byzantine theologian Joseph Bryennios.
He taught Byzantine Theology at the Institute of St. Sergius, living modestly and officiating at the small nunnery of Bussy-
en-Otte at the outskirts of Paris, where following a very painful illness he passed away and rested in Lord Jesus after his
toils and pains.

This book that you are holding now in your hands, dear reader, is a humble confession of a suffering and truly Christ-
loving soul. Fr. Pataci held and carried on his feeble shoulders the cross of his era, and also the cross of the divided
Christendom. Somewhere behind his simple and plain words there drops blood and lies the deep anguish of a crucified
soul. Before his departure from this fake life, Lord Jesus gave him the strength to publish his work and bring it to the light
of Truth. For this reason this book constitutes a very important testimony not only about its late writer, but also about the
invincible power of our faith.

Metropolitan Amphilochios of Mavrobounion

Prologue
"Using word, we are doing fine; using action, how are we doing?" paraphrasing the words of Saint Gregorios
Palamas (Holy Hesychasts "Quietists" 1/3, 13).

It is the intention of this humble book to relate not an abstract theory but rather a true experience. A true story is
hidden behind the pseudonyms. The majority of the people in the West, who have followed a similar path to the
one described here, can identify with this experience, which is typical of the experiences undergone by many and
is not just an isolated case.

For the heterodox reader who is seeking the truth, this account reveals the crisis in contemporary Roman
Catholicism, but also reveals the possibility of this crisis being solved with the conversion to a church of Christ,
which is the Orthodox Church. But the Orthodoxy can also gain from this account, which is why this translation
was required. Orthodoxy must not have any illusions at the Ecumenical level. It must confront Catholicism in the
same manner that our heroes in this book confronted them. The Roman Catholic faithful may have good
intentions, but they are subject to the domination of Rome, who are still continuing their expansionist policies
and their deceptive methods against Orthodoxy. Ecumenical dialogue is nothing more than a facade for
contemporary Catholicism.

The Uniate doctrine is just one of the weapons used by Rome to conquer the Orthodox people. The difference is
that this celebrated mixture of Catholic doctrine and Orthodox form or ritual is a double-edged knife - that is, it
can affect the attacker as much as the defender. In Orthodoxy, the Uniate doctrine is directed at persons who
show ingratitude towards the Orthodox Church.

2
But the Uniate doctrine acts differently on Roman Catholics - it tends to deter Catholics who want to convert to
Orthodoxy by offering them external rituals from the Eastern Church. But some people are not deceived, and
they finally reach Orthodoxy after overcoming the Uniate doctrine. The Uniate doctrine is a door for someone to
leave the church, but it can also be used to enter the church, and the account of this book is an example of the
latter. As an added note, let us not forget that our hero in this book paid an expensive price to enter - he had a
very long waiting period. But this lengthy period gave him the opportunity to learn and to see and to live all the
experiences he is about to describe to us. The author

CHAPTER 1. A joyful Saturday!

A Saturday in 1954, George Pap left the Higher Teaching School of Budapest, where he was studying Russian
literature, and started for home - home being the family house in Bouda on the other side of the Danube. Instead
of catching the tram, he decided to stroll by the river and visit the large Orthodox church in Petefi Square, which
was situated on the banks of the river. He had been informed that anyone could visit the church after sun-set.

Feeling cheerful, George finally reached the church and entered it. It was a large building with a very high
reredos of at least ten metres. After two hundred years of celebrating the divine service here, a peculiar smell of
incense and oil filled the church, impregnating everything inside. This service had been held in Greek but was
now performed in Hungarian. Even though the hagiographies did not all conform to Orthodox styles, the
mysterious and alluring atmosphere of the church attracted the young Catholic student in a manner he could not
explain.

George walked closer to the icons and examined each one carefully. They all had some sort of ancient
fascination and awakened in him a feeling of eternity, which was not true with other western works of art.
Noticing the latest copy of the "Ecclesiastic Chronicles" on the candle-stand, he leafed through it and decided to
buy a copy later, but asked himself if it was right for a faithful Catholic to read such printed matter. This was the
Cold-War era, which also included the relationships between the churches. But George was fated to visit this
church as often as possible.

After a long and difficult search through Budapest, George finally discovered a small Russian Orthodox chapel.
It was a wonderful discovery as he could now follow the services in the same language as that spoken by the
atheist Soviets who occupied his country. This was another facet of Russia, little known to the Hungarians but
very real! A friend of George's, who happened to be a respected monk, tried to influence him by assuring him
that Patriarch Alexios, whose commemoration was chanted at the end of each Russian service, was "Stalin's
bodyguard, " but to no avail. The devout and simple behaviour of the Russian congregation impressed him
greatly, while the simple chorus singing of psalms sounded like angelic hymns. Every time he visited the chapel,
he exchanged words with the priest, who seemed to be a very spiritual person and who had to work very hard
every day to support his family. The clergyman's family showed great care and attention for the hall which was
used for worship by the congregation, and these surroundings offered a warm feeling of hospitality.

By now, George had discovered a Slavic prayer-book from which he copied the divine service. Even though he
knew only a few Russian words, he re-read the service continuously until he memorized it. On another occasion,
he borrowed a Serbian catechism book and soon learnt a few melodic chants of the service in the old Byzantine
style. But George's love was the simple Russian chants which were music to his ears: "Holy God, Holy Mighty,
Holy Immortal, have mercy upon us".

During his vacation, George visited a small village and stayed with the sexton of the Catholic parish. This monk
had several issues of a German ecclesiastical magazine, which included some news concerning the Orthodox
world. These were avidly read by the young student. On another occasion, while browsing in the large soviet
library in the capital, he discovered a book on the old city of Pskov filled with photographs of churches -
something very rare for that era.

3
In his enthusiasm, he found himself performing his penance in the Orthodox fashion and not in the Latin
genuflection way, and he did this even when he was in a Catholic church but was unnoticed.

Returning to this Saturday evening, George left the large Orthodox church filled with happiness as he crossed the
old bridges spanning the Danube. Feeling a strong force inside him, he felt it was strong enough to break down
all national and cultural barriers and wanted to broadcast his love to a world starved for God, because he knew
from first-hand experience what hunger for God really was!

CHAPTER 2. The teddy-bear that became bald!

A young monk once said that we have a "plugged volcano" inside us and that we have to return to our childhood
years to relieve this volcano.

When George Pap was very young, a certain episode occurred which, years later, his mother would relate with a
certain touch of good-natured irony. While looking through a book, George noticed a picture of a fox in the act
of grabbing a chicken covered with blood. Our young reader, in trying to find an interpretation that was well-
meaning, asked his mother:

"Mama, the fox isn't really trying to eat the chicken! He's only kissing it, isn't that so?"

This naivety of George, peculiar as it may sound, seemed to hide something genuine in him - his genuine love
for life! The realism and the materialistic convictions of his parents were not for him. When a young friend of
George's died, his mother told him that when he would meet his friend's mother he should kiss her and say:

"I feel very sorry for the unfortunate boy". The word "unfortunate" was always used by the faithless in
connection with the death of someone, which was of little comfort for the end of a life. But this was our fate,
according to George's parents.

Except for a few chosen friends, the only other childhood companions George had were his furry teddy-bears.
Using these as an extension of himself and as a means of retiring into himself, he attempted his first eventful
steps into the real world around him.

When he was seven years old, his teddy-bears caused him great sorrow. While on vacation with his parents at
Lake Balanton, a suitcase, with his "companions" inside, was forgotten on the train, after travelling down to the
beautiful lake. This was a tragedy of great proportions for the young lad. To try and console him, his parents
made a number of teddy-bears, identical to the ones lost, even down to the clothes they wore. Then, they were
supposedly found and forwarded by post to where the family was staying.

But as soon as George saw the teddy-bears, he realized that they were not his real companions and burst into
tears. He then ran away and hid. This crisis was even greater than when he had lost them, as he considered them
"people companions" and not "toy companions", and a person was irreplaceable. The mother that lost a child was
not easily consoled by her other children. An impersonal continuation of life after death torments us more and is
not in the least consolable. Unfortunately, this applies to the Hindus and the pantheists. They say that time heals,
but this is not always true. There are many mothers that still wait for their sons to return after a war, even after
many years have passed.

George Pap seemed to forget his little teddy-bears with time, and began playing the game of life; that of
growing-up. Something then happened which brought the whole problem out into the open with all its intensity.
Ten years later, when George was seventeen, he was searching through his cupboard for something when he
found Muki. Muki had been his favourite teddy-bear, with her pointed little nose and her sly slanting eyes. But
her ears had become unstuck and her fur had fallen in patches.

Feeling the wear and tear of his Muki with his hands, the young teenager felt a sense of shock. His whole world,
as he knew it, was crumbling inside him. He wandered around his room crying his heart out. His parents tried to
4
console him but to no avail, as he had a very sensitive nature. Many people felt that being sensitive was a sign of
weakness - in reality, this sensitivity showed signs of extreme awareness for certain realities which would
otherwise have gone unnoticed. By utilizing this sensitivity, artists and writers add some spice to our otherwise
dull existence.

The believers are the ones that never stray from reality. By examining the facts carefully, we realize that the
faithless follow the policy of the ostrich and avoid the realities of life. George's parents tried to hide the facts of
death from him, when his grandmother (on his father's side) died. George was six years old then and searched in
vain for his grandmother, and only when he learnt to read and noticed her name on a tombstone, he discovered
that she had died.

The loss of a friend, when he was twelve, brought further sorrow. But this time he discovered a source of
consolation inside him. He had just read the religious novel "Quo Vadis" by Henryk Sienkiewicz. His soul
discovered peace the same way that calm follows the storm. It was Spring and the trees in the parks began to bud
and to show off their new life. This period coincided with the school-children preparing themselves spiritually
for confession and for the Easter celebration which followed. Since then, this special day of Resurrection became
the "festival of all festivals" for George and it became his favourite.

The war reached Budapest in 1945 and an artillery shell killed a cousin of George's, who happened to be an only
child. Young George tried to console his aunt using words which were inspired by his religion. But these words
did not carry much conviction as they were not yet deeply rooted inside him; the real conversion was to come
later. His aunt looked at him sadly and said:

"Can you, my son, actually believe in all this?"

On the second anniversary of her son's death, his aunt committed suicide. What a sad ending, which was caused
mainly by not being a believer. Being faithless was almost hereditary in the "bourgeoisie" or middle-class of that
era, and George's parent's belonged to that class. 

George was beginning however, to open his spiritual eyes more and more. After finishing high school, and being
now a practicing Catholic, George faced another death. A fellow student had just died and their Latin teacher,
who was a very good and conscientious teacher, encouraged the class to write to the bereaved family, offering
the usual condolences. But the students used simple words filled with love. As George accompanied the coffin to
it's final resting-place, he felt no sorrow. A dreamlike happiness filled his soul. At that moment, he wanted to
hug and kiss the parents of his dead friend, and to transmit to them the resurrecting feeling of faith that was
pulsating through his body - the feeling of faith that since then would remain rooted in his heart. But how had
this spiritual change in him come about?

CHAPTER 3. The Virgin Mary!

It seemed that even when George Pap was still an embryo in his mother's womb, fate decreed that he would join
the priesthood, since he was born on Fete-Dieu in 1932. (Fete-Dieu or Corpus Christi is the Feast of the Blessed
Sacrament or body of Christ, held on the Thursday after Trinity Sunday.) But no signs of devoutness was present
in his parents' home. Even George's godmother, who according to the laws of the church had the duty to
encourage and to strengthen the beliefs of the little boy, stated to him one day that she did not believe that God
existed and that if He did exist sometime, He would surely be dead by now.

George must have been six years old when he felt for the first time, for a brief moment, the calling of the
priesthood. He administered the liturgy in his home by using an egg-cup as the communion cup and a small tea-
strainer as the censer. He catechized his godfather and his godmother. One day he even dressed his godmother as
a nun by placing a white towel around her head and covering her with a black veil. Lastly, his grandmother, on
his mother's side, sewed red buttons on a black cloth and George had himself a vestment (the red buttons
indicated a dignitary of the Catholic Church).

5
After the war, George and many of his countrymen did not look upon the Soviet occupation forces as allies, nor
did they have much respect for the various Hungarian governments that followed, as they were all communist.
As a reaction against the government, George searched for other ideologies and this was observed in the type of
clothes that he dressed his teddy-bears in. He dressed them as soldiers, then as fascists, followed by aristocrats
and finally as Catholic bishops. During this period, George was attracted by the preachings of Cardinal Mingenti,
who spoke up against the government. Some considered the Cardinal daring, while others thought him
dangerous. George tried to attend all his meetings but not without some danger.

Once, his parents locked him in his room to prevent him attending one of the Cardinal's meetings. Being in his
teens now, George could not accept the political propaganda spoken by various teachers and professors and
showed his disapproval whichever way he could. Their political speeches, which so aroused the masses, caused
him much amusement.

Even though his interests were still focused mainly on social, cultural and political events and less on religious
matters, his conversion was approaching.

The winter of 1947-1948 was a tense one, as the relationships between the major powers became very strained
and there was talk of a third world war. Various friends of George's mother used to get together in the only
heated room in their house and drink tea and discuss the situation. They used to broil squash on the stove, this
being the only food they could afford in the capital. George used to sit with them, listening to the exchange of
ideas and of the future prospects. The thought of war scared him very much.

One day, one of the friends, who happened to be a catechism teacher at a primary school, related the promises
for peace and world change given by the Virgin Mary to the small group of shepherds in Fatima. (It was said that
the Virgin Mary appeared in Fatima, a small village in Portugal, during the First World War.) It was at that
moment that this message from the heavens hit George like a bomb. A strange event occurred later - George
became very reserved when people related various appearances by the Virgin Mary. But he soon realized that
God spoke in the language of each person, that we are all under the care and protection of providence, that there
was an Immaculate Person who was above all living creatures and who protected him and filled him with joy and
happiness. George asked for more information concerning the Virgin Mary's appearance in Fatima. When the
book arrived the next day and he read it, he became a different person. Seeing that the solution to all the
problems facing this suffering world of ours was based on the Christian faith, George decided to dedicate his life
for the spreading of this faith.

This was the moment of Grace which cannot be explained by psychology, and this was the moment that marked
the direction his life would take. George had made his decision, which meant that he would join the Brotherhood
of the Virgin Mary at his school. But it was not easy for his solitary temperament to adapt to the joining and
mixing with the masses. Also, the priest in charge of the Brotherhood openly treated him in with disdain, and it
was only years later that George found out that his parents had asked the priest in charge ''not to convert their
son.''

But George was to become the most active member of the Brotherhood. He researched the history of the
Brotherhood, which began in the 17th Century. He read books filled with Baroque spiritualities and also an
artificial religious exercise. He became editor of the Brotherhood's "wall newspaper" and felt very proud when
an extract of one of his articles was published in one of the daily newspapers. But his teachers still worried about
the possible repercussions. George still felt protected by the Virgin Mary, to whom the Brotherhood was devoted
to. He was seriously contemplating his calling when he was sorely tested by a temptation of the flesh, but at the
same moment an old Latin hymn reverberated inside his room:

'Rejoice, the true Virgin, pure and immaculate".

 Without paying too much attention to the words of the hymn, it was the melodious tones that made him feel the
enviable chastity of the Virgin Mary. Hence, his temptation was lost, was beaten and was overcome,  "just as
smoke disappears, just as wax melts away in the presence of fire".
6
 CHAPTER 4. The battle on the family front!
One evening, a childhood friend of George Pap celebrated her birthday by having a party in her large apartment
in Budapest. The boys and girls at the party drank soft-drinks, ate the delicious home-made pastries and sweets
and danced to records.

Almost everyone was dancing the waltz, while young George sat next to a young girl and discussed his beloved
history.

"I am starting to research the Brotherhood of the Virgin Mary".

The young girl, being in the flattering mood which only women can be in, replied:

' O, what a wonderful idea! I would like to become a nun one day. I am studying at the Ursulines, but I'm afraid
that the future will not favour my plans".

"But what are you saying", replied young George. "The life of a nun has her inner strength to overcome all
obstacles and to carry on in life. The nuns will undoubtedly organize themselves soon".

They continued their discussion, George trying very hard to reinforce the presumed monastic inclinations of the
young girl. At the end of the evening, in keeping with the festivities, they danced together. As everyone was
leaving, the hostess whispered slyly in George's ear that the young girl was very attractive. George went red with
embarrassment and finally realized that he was facing another temptation. Returning home with his father, he
sulkily told him that this was the last time he would go to this kind of party.

In fact, when George was sixteen, he decided that he would become an unmarried Catholic priest. The thought of
not having offspring was worrying, but he decided that chastity and celibacy was not unbearable. Earlier, when
his father had spoken to him about the facts of life in a very blunt manner, George had decided that here existed
a sacred part of life, which was the power given to man by God. Since then, he would not break his vow of
chastity.

His plans were finally settled in his last year of high school, when he began to frequent the monastery of the
Order of the Jesuits, situated in a picturesque setting by the side of a hill. George chose this Order as being the
most aggressive of all the Catholic Οrders in Hungary, and there were so many causes to be aggressive about in
Hungary. The order also offered a solid education for its inmates. George was very happy to find a priest in the
Order who had specialized in history; another discovery was a very polite clergyman who concerned himself
with the young and their problems.

George was considering joining the order very soon. Most of the candidates were from the intellectual youth of
the country, all practicing Catholics.

The only drawback was Father Louis Pomenski, George's mentor. The problems he caused were due to the fact
that, as an old curator in the boy-scouts, he believed that the will and the body of a priest were always being
tested and therefore, he wanted George to attend the daily liturgy. Catholics usually measure the devoutness of
someone by the frequency of their attendance at Holy Communion. But George studied late at night and needed
to rest in the mornings, and since he could not satisfy the wishes of Father Pomenski, the mentor started having
doubts about George's calling for the priesthood. Father Pomenski gave the impression of being a hypocrite, by
following the rules of the Order to the letter and never looking at someone when he was talking to them.

George would greet him in Latin: "Laudetur Jesus Christus" ("Glorified be Jesus Christ").

Father Pomenski would grimace piously and reply, "In sae-cu-lum, amen" ("forever, amen"), while putting on
his shoes and rubbing his hands together. Basically, the father was looking for a way to be rid of George since
they were not suited for each other and he also felt that he was just wasting his time with the youngster.
7
As George Pap neared the end of the school year, his mother mobilized all their relatives and even a priest
friend, to try and persuade George not to become a priest, but it was all to no avail as George would not budge.
But the real difficulty appeared in the Spring of 1950 and came from an unexpected direction, appearing before
George had finished high school and after he had been accepted into the Order of the Jesuits. His mother showed
him an article in the newspaper, which was an attack by Revay on the religious orders in general and on the
Order of the Jesuits in particular. Revay, who was then the most important theoretician in the Communist party,
and one of the top men in the leadership, openly attacked the religious orders, saying "these reactionary
organizations of our clergymen are totally useless, "and called the Order of the Jesuits "the advance guard of the
dark powers".

The results of this attack were expected and occurred that night. The police rounded up all the priests from the
monasteries and placed them in certain areas where they could be kept under observation. Just before George
became a novice in the order, he found out that the road that he had chosen was filled with obstacles.

The summer arrived and George spent his vacation with some family friends in a small village in northern
Hungary. He sunbathed next to the pool, but his thoughts were elsewhere.

He was seriously thinking of leaving his country, since it would not allow him to follow his destiny. He knew
very well that all the roads near the borders were mined, but wondered if Lake Ferte near the Austrian border
was guarded.

Feeling desperate after his inability to leave Hungary, George decided to bombard the heavens with his prayers,
hoping for a miracle. Every hour he repeated the following prayer (the contents of which were in bad taste)
called The People's Devotion for the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Wherever he was -at home, walking, by the pool - he
repeated his prayer, causing his mother to blow her top.

Just before the final high school examinations, the Ministry of Education sent questionnaires to all the students,
asking which college or university they would like to attend. To avoid creating problems before the
examinations, George lied and wrote that he would like to attend the School of History and Literature at the
University. When he returned from his vacation, he found a note from the Ministry stating that he had been
accepted at the Lenin Institute, to study Russian Literature.

I’m not going! I’ll be going to the religious seminary! End of discussion!" George's reply was brief and to the
point.

His mother's answer was also brief but more violent - she threw all his religious books, which he had just
unpacked, onto the floor. They fought bitterly over the next several weeks. One time, his father came very close
to striking him. His mother relented somewhat, but still insisted that George learn a trade, so that he would be
able to earn a living if the priests were banned completely. She finally gave way, but asked George not to go
immediately to the religious seminary, but to spend a year at home instead, just doing whatever he pleased.
Afterwards, he could attend the seminary. That was her only wish and George agreed.

He spent a year at home with his parents, but signed up at the Theological Academy, so as not to waste the year.
The Academy had not been closed by the government as its graduates were clergymen for the town parishes and
not priests. He attended the theology courses every day. George may have lost several battles with his mother,
but he had won the war; his mother realized this and consequently suffered.

To placate his mother, who had always wanted him to study Russian literature, George enrolled at night-school
to learn Russian, even though he felt that as a priest he would have no use for it. This move was to play an
important role in his future.

It was strange that his interest in Eastern Orthodoxy was kindled by his mother's refusal to accept his calling.
George's plans at this stage, were that eventually he would be a missionary for the Catholic Church in Russia.

8
The following year, he entered the central seminary in Budapest, which was a subsidiary institute of the
Theological Academy.

For several months now, George's mother refused to come and visit him, and when she finally did visit him she
deliberately wore black. On another occasion, when she saw him walking in the street, she avoided him so as not
to meet him. The truth was, sometimes George did present a humorous sight; he shaved his head completely
when he entered the Academy, just like the students at the seminary. An old religious teacher of George
commented that George reminded him of the Dalai Lama.

CHAPTER 5. The battle on the religious front!

THE MOMENT HAD ARRIVED FOR GEORGE TO FIGHT ON TWO FRONTS! At a quarter to five in the
morning, the bell rang in the students' quarters at the seminary. Half-awake, they gathered in the corridors for
their fifteen minute daily exercise: "lean to the left, lean to the right, touch your toes, hands high in the air..."
followed by a quick wash. George used to fall heavily into his bed afterwards, as he was still half-asleep.

This was followed by a silent prayer, the morning liturgy and finally the various subjects - thirty hours of
schooling a week. Exams were given often, which required many hours of studying.

Wanting to rest awhile after the meal, George often wondered why their quarters were unheated and so cold. The
only heated room was the library, so George used to go there, lean his head on the desk and fall asleep, while the
other students studied.

The evenings were taken up by conjugating Jewish verbs, as the Jesuits placed great emphasis on foreign
languages. The large hall reverberated with: "Katal, katala, katalta."

One evening, a classmate came to George and told him confidentially that he had been invited to have breakfast
with Father Alphonso, who was in charge of all the religious students. Father Alphonso was a saintly person and
a great music teacher and reminded people of Franz Liszt with his large mane of hair. Every morning, Father
Alphonso would invite one of his students to share his breakfast, which consisted of real coffee and a rich
selection of food, as he knew that the meals given to the students were not near enough for their age. An old joke
in the seminary exemplified this: A teacher once asked a religious student if the baptism ceremony could be
performed with soup instead of water. With the student's soup, yes, replied the student. "But not with the soup of
our superiors". The feudal era still existed in Hungary.

This was why the good-natured Father Alphonso Wagner sacrificed his breakfast every morning. But this and
other kind acts (giving a coat to a student) was setting a "bad example", according to the other teachers, and their
envy soon caused the father to lose his position.

Amongst the students was a well-organized group consisting of the fanatical members of the Jesuit Order. It was
very difficult for George, who was a new member of the Order, to enter this group, composed of older members
of the Order. George was an only child and found it difficult to adapt to sharing his life with others, but he
needed these friends.

"The true members of our Order are not intellectuals; they are people with a pastoral conscience", stated Joseph
Kovach. Blond, likeable and polite, Joseph was not considered to have been an intellectual when he was at high
school, and so he unloaded his inferiority complex onto poor George. The more George tried to cultivate the
friendship of Joseph and the others in the group, the more inadequate he began to feel.

Feeling guilty, he wondered if he had adequately helped his classmates. Therefore, to rectify his mistakes and to
win back his companions in the group, he tried to befriend the classmates who were not in Kovach's group. But
instead of gaining respect by imitating Joseph, George found himself being ridiculed in the school. It took awhile
before he realized that every person had his own standards of value, and that imitating someone caused only
ridicule and scorn.
9
All the young members of the Order had highly-developed personalities, while most of them specialized in one
thing or another. Philosophy was a favourite speciality, which was natural in a seminary. One religious student
considered himself an expert in liturgical matters and tried to impose on the school to accept the strict Roman
version of the liturgy, causing clashes with school authorities. Joseph Kovach, the self-acclaimed proletarian,
presented himself as the interested party for the pastoral care of the workers, and spent many hours childishly
mimicking the boy-scouts by wearing a red tie, just as the Communist youth did.

George began to organize himself. In the mornings, he often used to wait in the temple for the tall and dignified
priest to arrive and then help him perform the liturgy. They would enter the Sanctum, where the assistant would
set out an attractive enamel cross and the Missal.

"Blessed be the Kingdom of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit..." chanted the priest, following
the Byzantine form. This was where George found his calling.

"No, the liturgical uniformity does not constitute an ideal for the Church", stated George once to a new member
of the order. "Read about this subject in the encyclicals of Pope Leo in the 13th Century. There you'll clearly see
that liturgical polymorphism is the adornment of Catholicism."

This is an example of how George studied the various documents of his Church, especially those relating to the
Eastern Church and to the patrology of Bertold Altaner, who was trying to prove the preeminence of the Roman
Church with the help of the Fathers. This patrology, which proved to be more objective than the papal
documents, mythicized the well-known and endearing arguments of the Romans regarding the primacy. These
arguments had been drawn from Ignatius of Antioch and from Irenaeus of Lyon. According to Altaner, Saint
Ignatius had not described the Church in Rome as the church leader in the connection of love but just as the
church leader to love or in other words, virtue. In addition, the article by Saint Irenaeus (the origin of which is
questionable), in which he exhorted the other churches to align themselves with the teachings of Rome, was not
infallible nor inviolable, but was a personal view that was warranted by the facts that during that period the
Roman Church was Orthodox.

Despite all his attempts to confirm the teachings of Catholicism, George began to get the feeling that the first
Church was decentralized, polyarchial and synodical.

This impression was reinforced by certain religious students who, instead of kneeling, worshipped Orthodox
style in church. These students were called Greeks - that is, religious students who followed the Byzantine form
or discipline (similar to the Uniates). George liked them, but the Catholic clergy harassed them as they were
allowed to marry before their ordination. This was confirmed several years later when one of the fathers of the
order swore to George, in the name of God, that the unmarried priests were jealous of the Greeks because they
were allowed to marry.

Once, an important Jesuit teacher stated that the Church tolerated married clergymen with the aim of uniting all
the Orthodox schismatics. The "Greeks were amongst the people that were present when this statement was
given.

However, even the Greeks themselves did not really know what they represented. Eastern Theology was one of
the courses taught at the Theological Academy by priests of Byzantine philosophy. But the word "Eastern" was
vague, as was indicated by the fact that a Jewish student, from the old ghetto, attended the course and was
organizing a Hungarian Buddhists sect - a truly eastern sect! But what does the apparent lama of Budapest have
in common with the theology of the Orthodox Fathers?

"And unto the Jews I became as a Jew...To them that are without law, as without law...To the weak became I as
weak...I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some" (I. Corinthians 9, 20-22).

With these words, a leader of the Jesuit Order reminded the religious students of the methods of Paul. These
methods had been adopted by the order, at least externally, in their missionary actions throughout the centuries.
10
George Pap accepted this alleged method so seriously, he began to feel more Greek than the Greeks, which again
caused the displeasure of the seminary leaders. He placed a small print of an Orthodox icon on his desk, which
was of great importance to him. He based his whole life on this print, as he now realized that after a fleeting
curiosity for the external data of Eastern Christianity which gave him some relaxation and some indifference, he
now wanted to concentrate on the depth and on the spirit of Orthodoxy.

CHAPTER 6. Disillusionment!
It was obvious that George was lacking experience. That summer, he caused a dispute when he picked an
argument with a group led by an irregular priest, causing the superiors of the Jesuit Order to be very displeased
with his ineptness.

The real difficulties began in the autumn, when the government removed all the priests of the various orders
from the seminaries, forcing them to live as laymen. George naively believed that this was a good thing, as from
this moment he would belong to the secret Order of the Jesuits.

He worked in two successive jobs. Scattered around the city were rooms offered by the Jesuit Order, where it's
young members could live, two to a room. George was unlucky to be living with a family where the mother had
been catechized by a schismatic priest, causing all their anticlerical feelings to be focused on George. One day,
he tore up one of their towels in anger, which in turn caused another quarrel.

"You're not even capable of cleaning our room. Here, this is how you should clean it", voiced his roommate in
the tone of an executioner. He was two years older than George and was well-liked by the landlord as he was a
social person.

The priests of the order also looked after the spiritual education of the religious students. So George found
himself again under the guidance of Father Pomenski, who was the spiritual father for the novice priests.

"At our monastery it was usual to perform the Holy Eucharist after meals.  Here you are all far away from the
Church, so at least kneel in front of your table and chant the blessing of the Eucharist." Father Pomenski used to
say these words to his students every now and then.

When the young secret monks were not working in the factories, they were occupied with reading, saying
prayers and other spiritual exercises. On other occasions, they would meet in nearby parks, where they would
receive instructions or else just gather themselves spiritually.

On major holidays, the students would wear their cassocks under their long coats and go to the various city
parishes as clergymen. They practiced the various duties of the deacons and the sundeacons. Being already
enthusiastic about the Byzantine philosophy and form, George found himself liking the liturgy very much. He
was also getting to like Latin. His favourites were the services of the Holy Week, the four notes of the Byzantine
music and preparing for the liturgy at Christmas. His heart filled with joy as he chanted the Apostolos in
Byzantine tones during the Christmas service at a suburban church:

"For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, Teaching us that, denying ungodliness
and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; Looking for that blessed
hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ" (Titus 2, 11-13).

Whenever George had a spare moment at work, he would go into the corridor of the factory and silently count
his prayers on his rosary, which he had hidden in his pocket, as he recited them. When another employee saw the
peaceful expression on George's face, he realized that George had been praying.

Once again the officials of the order were unhappy with George, as they considered that his attitude was a sign of
not being able to adapt. They believed that the external appearance of the faithful should not show what their

11
soul was feeling. But these ignorant priests ignored the fact that Orthodox theology was based on the assertion
that the experience is reflected both in the face and in the body of the faithful.

To avoid any problems at work, the students were advised by church officials to eat meat on the days of fasting.
Consequently, on Ash Wednesday in 1953 (the first day of Lent), George sat down and really enjoyed his meat
dish. An elderly worker sitting nearby saw this and offered George his meat portion. So on this very important
day of fasting for the Catholics, George wolfed down two portions of meat, causing the church officials to
rethink again. They then became more strict with the students and would not allow them too much leeway in the
future.

Soon after this incident, George did not touch his meat portion on a Friday and this was observed by a fellow
employee.

"Look! Anachronism in our times! In 1953 a young Hungarian is not eating meat on a Friday!' Comrade Rosa
Svitcher's voice reverberated throughout the dining-room. Being the factory cook, and incidently a Jewess, she
ran to the management and reported this scandal.

When George first started working at the factory, he worked very hard, but soon slowed down to protect his
health. But he didn't want to remain idle, as idleness made him feel as if he was in hell. Above everything, hell
meant that the spark of life was missing from a person. The increasing production rate at the factory also gave
George the feeling that he was in hell, as he had to listen to the neverending swearing by both employers and
employees.

"If only the faithful would take these poor wretched workers as an example and remember God as often as they
swore, he murmured to himself.

Yet behind the scenes, a bitter disappointment was waiting for our young idealist - he was forced to leave the
Jesuit Order. He had sacrificed his family and his career for the order; he was prepared to offer his soul to be
able to live the life of a monk. All this was neutralized by his "ineptitude." He was shattered. This was the
hardest blow he had ever received, and also the most unexpected. But to be honest, he was not suited for the
monastery.

When he later described this episode to his Orthodox friends, they found it amusing, hearing about the
superficial and deceitful attitudes of the Jesuit monks and about the virtue of their ineptness.

CHAPTER 7. The wounds heal!

In a small hut outside Budapest, Father Michael Dennis, the historian of the Order of the Jesuits, was sitting behind a stack
of books as he spoke to George Pap.

"The church officials said that they would reinstate you if you wrote a good historical essay. Come, eat this slice of bread
with honey.... My goodness, how clumsy you are!" George had placed a large spoonful of honey on a small slice of bread
and he was scooping up the honey as it trickled over the sides of the bread.

They worked together for two years, followed by years of friendship. Father Dennis set George to research the historical
role of the Jesuits in the unification of the Rumanian Orthodox with the Catholic Church in the Hungary and Transylvania
of many years ago.

The librarians were pretty wary of this strange worker who worked in a car-manufacturing company and was interested in
theology. One librarian from the National Library in Budapest told George that he would probably not be allowed to take
out books on theology and that he should concentrate on subjects concerning cars.

The central library of the Order was hidden in a large attic, with books scattered everywhere, and this was where George
found many books that would help him in his research.

12
Returning home by tram, the father would speak in Latin so that people would not realize that they were priests. This of
course, caused the opposite. People realized who they were, as who else but priests would speak Latin? Being naive and
retiring, the good-natured father was just someone who was not in favour with officials of the Order.

As George examined the historical Jesuit documents that were relevant to Orthodoxy, he often came across the observation
that the Orthodox were "stubbornly devoted" to their functions, their fastings, their traditions. But why such perseverance?

He had come across certain Orthodox traditions and understood that they mesmerized the people who would not want these
traditions to be sacrificed.

On the other hand, when leafing through various Orthodox documents, he did not get the same feeling of being with Christ,
as he did from the Patrology of Bertold Altaner. Wasn't Orthodoxy just an extension of the first Church? One day, while
browsing through the National Archives, our young student accidentally came across a series of unpublished documents
based on the deep dislike that the Orthodox felt for the Roman Church. One important document shed light on a subject
which had caused Catholic and Orthodox historians to have differing opinions - the subject was whether the Rumanians,
who in 1737 lived around the town known today as Oratea, had joined the Catholics or not. This document referred to the
previous year (1736) and was penned by the Latin bishop of the town. He proved conclusively how right the Orthodox
were, by not accepting unification with the Catholics.

"Not a single Rumanian wants to have anything to do with the Pope of Rome", confessed the bishop in a letter to a monk in
the Jesuit Order, "But they wanted to escape the heavy financial contributions they were forced to make to their schismatic
Orthodox bishop, so they are prepared to be financially dependent on us. Their true conversion will surely come about with
time." And this was the beginning of the formation of the Uniate Church in that region. The method used by the Roman
Catholic Church for the conversion of the! Orthodoxy was truly ridiculous! George found it very difficult to interpret all
this information.

There was a meeting of all the student group leaders at the Higher Teaching Academy in Budapest and our friend George
Pap was present. But how did he manage to be present at such a formal and secret meeting?

To escape his two or three-year military service, George enrolled at the Higher Teaching School for Russian Literature no
less, which was of special interest to him. Since his high school grades were high and his relationship with the seminary
had been forgotten, he was promoted to be the "leader" of a group of sixteen students.

"Every six months you are required to write a report concerning the personal and political conduct of each student in your
group, their studies, their participation in group work; and their possible religious prejudices", stated church officials.

George trembled with fear after hearing this. How could he, an ex-religious student, spy on his fellow students?
Nevertheless, he sat down and drafted these reports, the data of which were spontaneously composed by himself. He
always tried to present his students favourably and always found the opportunity to show them his reports,  and a warm
friendly feeling soon developed between them. Even though he made no mention of the students' relationship with the
Church, his reports were held in high esteem by church officials.

Each group was lead by a trio, which was comprised of the leader, the person in charge of the young and the cell
representative of the Communist party. George was pleasantly surprised when he discovered that two members of the trio,
the youth leader and himself, had both been preparing for the monastic life in two different Orders. Another student in the
group, Steven Spaiber, was a member of the Jesuit Order. These secret monks were the best students in the group. Even
their Russian Literature teacher, Vera Andreyievna Schenko, who came from an important Stalinist family in the Soviet
Union and was presently married to the Hungarian Minister of Industries, considered them "hard-working students". Since
she had suffered so much throughout her life, she was an absolute terror, causing scenes with the students every day and it
was only with Christian tolerance that the students could endure her.

"Are there any leaders amongst you?" she asked her class, before starting the lesson.

George raised his hand without speaking. "I don't like leaders!" she said, throwing a sponge at him. The students soon had
to memorize the most significant poems in Russian literature, and recite a new poem every day in class. Since George
loved poetry, he soon found himself learning the language. Vera Andreyievna would speak to them only in Russian:

13
"The Apostles! The Apostles of Jesus Christ, according to mythology, are Peter, John, Nicholas the miracle-worker and
Sergio of Radonez", she would say in a pitched tone.

Since she had been an atheist since her teens, she didn't know much about religion, but once, in a moment of truth, she
confessed to her students that she could not answer their questions as to whether there was a God or not. But, she
continued, there was a possibility that He existed.

The prospective priests faced a difficult situation on the night of St. Nicholas, when they had to dance with the girls. How
could they excuse themselves if they refused to dance? Could they mention that they were secretly training to be priests?

On this particular night George unintentionally insulted a young poor girl when he gave her a gift which humiliated her.

He felt guilty  afterwards.   It's right that we ask  God for forgiveness for all our "voluntary and involuntary" sins.

After two years George received his diploma from the Teaching School. During this period he also secretly practiced his
catechism and was accepted back into the Jesuit Order, living again the life of a secret novice.   Basically, George rejoined
the Jesuits in order to regain his prestige. And later, when he felt it necessary for him to leave the Order, criticisms which
had been directed at him were found to be justified.

Soon after, George Pap was called up into the army for three months. During this period, many leaders of the Jesuit Order
were arrested by the Communist police, and Father Pomensky was one of them. This was followed by another interesting
event.

Steven Spaiber, a model student for all the new students of the Order and a favourite of Father Pomensky's, fell ill and, had
to go into hospital. There, he fell in love with a nurse and left the Order - in other words, as soon as he left this centre of
Roman Catholic ideology, he immediately lost his faith. This indicated that he had been attracted more by church
organization and less by Christianity. This secret romanticism was in fact a characteristic of many members of the Order, if
not all. We wonder if they were flattered by the "wonderful description" given in his book by a previous member of the
Jesuits. The author, Dimitri Kis, who was now a mason, had completely lost his faith, but this did not stop him from asking
the Pope for his apostolic blessing when the book was published in the West!

CHAPTER 8. A teacher of Russian!

"Lord, have mercy...,  Christ, have mercy...,   Lord, have mercy..."

Young George Pap was on the train heading for the village of Nagykata, about fifty kilometres from Budapest, as he
chanted the long prayer. The train had just started and George had hidden himself in the one place where no one could see
him praying with a prayer-book in his hands, and this place was the toilet - not very suitable for a place to pray in.

"O God hear us... and accommodate our descendants for our sinning and have mercy upon us".

But even here he could not find some peace and quiet to finish his prayer, as someone was banging on the door. George
Quickly finished his prayer and walked out, followed by the scowling looks of his fellow traveller. Since he would be
spending quite some time in the train, he had to take precautions to be certain that no one would observe the contents of his
prayer-book as he read all his prayers.

But an observant young man noticed George and commented: I see that you're reading the Bible. I am a Baptist pastor.
Which religion do you belong to"?

"Catholic", was the reply.

"Fancy that! The Catholics have begun to read the Bible!"

As soon as George arrived in Nagytaka, he went to the school where he was teaching Russian. Arriving there, he cheerfully
greeted his colleagues and gave them the stuff they had asked him to get from the capital. For doing these little favours
George had become popular with the other teachers. He was thankful that he was not still guided by Father Pomenski,  who
had told him to keep his distance from the other teachers...and to be formal in his dealings with the school.
14
Among the teachers at the school was also a nun, whom George recognized immediately. Catholic nuns always stood out
from other women, even when dressed in ordinary clothes. Their education stamps something on them, something not in
the least feminine, something that is reflected in the way they dress.

Every week-day George used to return to Budapest in the afternoon or in the evening. Having no free time, he used to look
forward to the week-ends. It was only then that he could meet his new mentor, father John Tarka, who was forced to live in
a hovel. Living a hermit's life, the father kept only a few books which he used in officiating the Liturgy. Most of the secret
monks had been banned from their churches. Still, he wore his vestments whenever he celebrated mass, which made him
the odd-man out amongst the other priests, as most of them wore plain clothes when performing the liturgy. But these
priests, who were the forerunners of the 2nd Vatican Synod, usually left the priesthood.

When George started leaching Russian in Nagykata, he asked Father Tarka:

"Our order has a rule saying that we are not allowed to touch the face of a person. Can I slap my girl students, aged ten to
twelve years old?"

The reply was negative. The girls, who had been used to harsh methods of teaching, soon realized that their Russian
teacher would not touch them. As a result, unruly behaviour soon erupted in his class. Finally, George was forced to
explain to Father Tarka that slapping was a method used by all his colleagues, and his mentor allowed him to give the odd
slap or two.

The mischievous girls were so upset by their teacher's new attitude they wrote a letter of protest to the radio station.

Georges colleagues showed their indignation by gathering round George and supporting him. At the end of the school year,
none of the teachers accepted gifts from this class.

The people of the village considered George to be an atheist because he taught Russian. Therefore, he decided to do the
opposite of what they expected from him, and on Holy Thursday in 1956, George administered the Holy Communion in
the village church and with the whole village present. He usually performed this service in Budapest.

After returning to the capital on the afternoon of the 23rd of October, George Pap went to the Franciscan church to attend
the evening service. But instead of entering, something unexpectedly happened that caused him to pause outside. The
students were marching in the city and were shouting: Down with Rakosi! Imre Nagy for the government!"

These slogans against the until recently powerful Stalinist leader unsettled George. He was hearing people saying and
shouting words which they wouldn't have even dared to think about a little while ago. The heavy chains of repression,
which had tied him down for years, were now breaking. He just could not go into church now.

Civil war soon broke out. The Hungarian people, who were famed as individualists, proved otherwise and nearly all
banded together. A large open safe was placed in one of the public squares with the aim of collecting money for all the
people who suffered in the hands of the present regime. No one dared to touch this money; nor were shop-windows looted.
George found it difficult to understand how the people showed so much kind-heartedness to each other. Nor could he
understand how he, who before was only interested in church matters, was now so poignantly moved by political matters.

Later, after searching deep inside the Orthodox perspective, he realized that freedom is the form of God in man. That is
why, in moments of spontaneity, the soul brings out the true hidden beauty, which is also the religious qualities of man.
The demonstrator in the streets was a fine example of this, and was something for the theologians to emulate.

"Father, can I escape to Austria and carry on there my monastic training?" asked George, when soviet troops again invaded
Hungary.

'George, caution is required, " replied the Jesuit official. "I would not risk it if I were you. But if you decide to attempt it, at
least get yourself a passport from the military or civilian authorities, to be able to enter the border zone".

Young George was placed in a quandary. The church official who was advising him had already been to jail for helping
young priests to escape. Since obeying the law is the correct thing to do, the official could not disclose his true feelings,
which were to help all the young to escape! There was already a rumour circulating that the leaders of the Jesuit Order
wanted to send all aspiring priests abroad, to be educated in the proper subjects. If George did not now follow his secret
15
desire, the Order might again consider him as "unsuitable". Frankly, most of the young priests had already left the country,
so George had to get to Austria.

"Father, to avoid being bothered by the police, the Order has not officially told me if I am a novice priest or not. I have
observed all the necessary obligations of the novice". The official pondered awhile, then replied: "Well, it must be
considered that, let me see... from the 13th of November last year (1955) you are a novice priest". So we now find young
George Pap at the station, saying goodbye to his parents. After many adventures, he finally arrived in Austria on December
18th, 1956. But his flight from Hungary weighed heavily on his soul for many years.  His parents felt bitter that their son
was not with them to celebrate Christmas, which, to them was a family occasion. Meanwhile, George was enjoying
religious freedom with no restrictions whatsoever.

CHAPTER 9. The school of devoutness!

The Hungarian fugitives celebrated Christmas in Vienna at one of the houses of the order. George Pap was truly choked up
with emotion as he listened to the religious hymns about the Holy Infant, unknown to him until then, it never occurred to
him that, later in life he would visit many countries and learn how the faithful in each of these countries celebrated the
Birth of Christ.

With time, George got to know the monks of this branch of the order. Amongst them, Father Paul Kibichek was the expert
in a type of literature which George had never heard of. The father had penned several books on religious humour, which
did not go down too well with certain "reservist brothers". These brothers, who were not priests, were members of the
Order who basically did all the manual work in the house. They maintained a form of local or fundamental type of
devoutness, which did not mix with Father Kibichek's cynical sense of humour. Frankly, whoever tried to study
systematically and methodically in the Jesuit Order nearly always ended up changing for the worse. A certain caustic
proverb was in circulation during that period:

"If you're a novice, you lose your piety; a student of philosophy, you lose your logic; and with theology, say good-bye to
your faith..."

After the festivities, the young Hungarian monks scattered all over Austria. The monks, George amongst them, who had
not yet taken their first vows, went to the House of the Novices in Wolfsberg, in the province of Karten. The first view
from their new home was one of hills covered in fog, but when it cleared that Sunday, they were spellbound by the sight of
the Alps reaching up to a height of two thousand meters.

Frankly, a person would have to have the soul of a hermit to enjoy the life of a novice at that stage, and George was one of
them. The young Hungarians all seemed to have a well-developed zest for life, which was in complete contrast to their
Austrian counterparts. Being a year older than the Austrian novices, the Hungarians abhorred the childish behaviour of the
old novices who, in the 1920's, used to walk in the street wearing blinkers so as to discipline their eyesight. The novices'
House always resembled a glass prism which reflected the black patches of the soul. The spiritual and mental shortcomings
seemed to be magnified. One novice who seemed to be affected by this pious atmosphere was poor Matthew Retley, who
ended up being a masochist.

"Out of all the jobs to be done here at the House, my favourite is cleaning the toilets", he declared happily.

Once, in the dining-room, while everyone was serving themselves from a large platter filled with potatoes, Matthew peered
through his glasses looking for a rotten potato. When he finally found one, he gleefully picked it up and placed it on his
plate, where he could contemplate it as much as he wanted.

The other extreme was an ambitious novice named John Kies. Later to become an acknowledged author (even though he
was mediocre), he liked to take part in everything and to do everything and also liked to berate his fellow-novices. His
speeches were full of rhetoric concerning devoutness. One time, during the music lesson, George Pap poked fun at one and
all. His fellow-students loved it, while John Kies gave a sanctimonious speech. This was followed by "brotherly correction,
" in which the novices criticised each other. John Kies was certain that George would speak angrily at him, after his recent
self-righteous speech. As soon as George entered the classroom, he saw John smilingly waiting for him, ready for an
argument. John Kies uttered the opening stereotype phrase for the beginning of the "brotherly correction:".

"Hail spiritual fathers!"

16
But George refused to take the bait by taking on the useless rote of the warrior. Moreover, his opponent knew very well
that he had insulted George.

"I don't know anything", he merely replied.

John Kies was stunned! He couldn't believe his ears! From that day on, he got along very well with George. George's fame
grew, as he rid himself of any and all false reverences and had acquired a zest for life and a sense of humour. Certain
rumours were spread that he was considered unsuitable for the order, but these were soon forgotten.

That summer George found himself jumping with joy, when a brother of the order, a Greek-disciplined priest, arrived from
Rome to stay at the House of the Novices. George was wearing a white Alb, as he had the privilege of ministering the
Byzantine liturgy in Slavic, which he had learnt at the Russian chapel in Budapest. The young priest, who was also a
teacher at the Institute for the Unification of Churches in the Eternal City, wondered how young George was so learned.
George greeted him with great enthusiasm as he walked into the House:

"You're the first Greek-disciplined priest I've met in the Order!"

"It's not so dangerous", the priest replied in an apologetic tone.

On the whole, the people that surrounded George could not understand his passion for the Eastern Church. One day, he
found an old Hungarian train-ticket in his coat pocket, covered with Russian words. His colleagues shook their heads in
wonder. He had escaped from the Russians but spent all his time thinking about whatever was Russian.

CHAPTER 10. The heights of scholastic philosophy!

In the autumn of 1957, young George Pap went to Grenwald, near Munich, where all the new members of the order were
attending courses in scholastic philosophy. The level of the course was very high as the lecturers of the course were famous
throughout the world. They also stayed at the "Large House", together with the one hundred and fifty students and the
reservist brothers. The college was situated in a picturesque forest. The students spent their time walking through the forest
or visiting the various libraries in Munich or riding their bicycles to the "Country House, " situated next to a beautiful lake.
Here, they would often pass the time satirizing everything and everyone (which included the officials who were in charge
of the "Country House"). Their holidays were spent around the Alps.

But there was a problem that caused confusion amongst the students, and this was the fact that each lecturer had his own
method of teaching, which often contradicted each other. They often tried to "prove" everything. It was a well known fact
that according to Tommaso d'Acquino (12th Century Italian theologian, philosopher and a saint in the Catholic Church),
there were five different proofs to indicate that God existed. One lecturer had even written a five-page reasoning of one of
these almost mathematical "proofs." If proof of the existence of God was so clear cut, then why are there so many atheists
in the world? There is a poem in Hungarian literature that describes how the ghosts of the people who had committed
suicide lured desperate young people towards the waters of the Danube and, using their destructive example of suicide,
swept them into a bottomless pit. George's thoughts were continuously filled with the never-ending number of unbelievers
he knew from Hungary, and he felt himself being emotionally disturbed by the weaknesses of scholastic philosophy. These
feelings shook his faith and a touch of atheism crept into his soul. When he was in Hungary, it had become almost second
nature for him to doubt and to question a society filled with atheists.

Even now, living in a society with so many believers, he still found himself doubting everything. He used to hear people
say that the existence of "possible beings" - in other words, beings who may or may not exist - presupposes the existence of
a different Being, an all-supreme God, exactly as the example of a string of train carriages, which presupposes an engine to
lead them and to pull them. But, he pondered, couldn't people believe that each "carriage" had it's own engine - in other
words, the All-Supreme was the sum of all the possible beings and not just one separate God? Many students of scholastic
philosophy found themselves facing this question.

It was natural that George Pap was not the only person who discovered disparities in the Catholic teachings. One of his
closest friends and an honours student, Nick Kirty, was forced to desert his religious calling after having these doubts. Nick
had written to a schoolfriend in Belgium, who was on his deathbed: "If there is something after death, send me a sign to
believe it". After his death, several of his books were found by George to be in the possession of friends in Germany.
George used to leaf through them hoping to find something of interest. One phrase remained in his mind: "You, monster!"
Isn't this then... an ironic miracle?
17
Another example was one of their teachers, who took off his cassock when he stopped believing, the reason being the
weaknesses found in the arguments put forth by the scholars of this philosophy. This teacher, an expert in Modern Physics,
grew up schooled in the teachings of scholastic philosophy; therefore, most of the arguments he used to prove the Christian
faith were borrowed from science. Consequently, most of these arguments broke down. The Orthodox theologians
displayed their happiness whenever contemporary physics disproved the old classical theory on the creation of matter
(creation of the world). On the other hand, the poor teacher, who had based all his reasonings on the scholastic "objectivity
of the external world", while believing that the existence or creation of God could be proved by using syllogisms of the
creation of the world, lost his faith. The theory of relativity and also the fact that this behaviour of matter was dependent of
the judgement of the researcher caused great scandal amongst the scholars of scholastic philosophy. On the other hand, the
characteristics of Orthodox Theology which authenticated various extreme thoughts and facts, could include all these facts
and present them in a manner mainly mysterious and Christian.

With all this upheaval, George found himself having a vague feeling of uncertainty. He lived and based his religion mainly
on emotions and not on logic. At the school, there was a teacher who happened to be a Greek-reformist priest. Many of the
philosophy students used to frequent the small chapel he created nearby, filled with Byzantine icons. The choir which
chanted the various Slavic hymns were heavenly, often giving concerts outside the college. There was also a small library
near the Byzantine chapel, filled with religious books, books on Russian society and culture, and on dialectical
materialism.

George tried to instigate a broad interest for Orthodoxy by organizing a series of courses on the Eastern Church, but
without much success. The thoughts of the Jesuits were different from the Orthodox teachings; therefore, the members who
attended these courses, and who later were to specialize in "Eastern" studies, were to become George's enemies.

On the whole, the students had only a superficial idea of Orthodox matters. One day, a student who used to frequent the
Byzantine chapel, told George emphatically:

"I like the Byzantine liturgy, but I prefer the Latin service, which emphasizes the element of sacrifice in the service, which
is very important for Christians".

George found himself thinking again. It was true that the Byzantine liturgy seemed to contain numerous prayers for the
"seasonable weather, for the abundance of the fruits of the earth, for those who travel by water, for the afflicted, for
captives", etc., and not enough on the death of the Saviour and on the Resurrection of Christ. He quickly found the
solution. The most important part of the Eucharist, the account which contained a condensed version of the teachings of the
salvation and had become, with the passing of time, a complete series of "mystical prayers", was ignored by the chapel
priest. Out of the few but necessary liturgical reforms in Eastern Orthodoxy would be the high-pitched chanting of these
prayers. George was later to discover that this account was loudly and joyously chanted by the priests in the various
Orthodox parishes.

"It seems to me that the Catholic Church has become too monolithic, and probably needs to be decentralized, and also to
re-evaluate the roles of the Eastern Patriarchs", George used to say to his fellow students. One day, his friend Nick Kirty
mentioned an interesting item:

"I read that in the Middle East a group of Eastern Christians had joined with Rome to form the Maronites, and that they
agree with the idea of decentralization that you are teaching us", he said to George.

Towards the end of the prelacy of Pope Pius XII (1876-1958), a Papal decree was passed which was not acceptable to the
Maronites. George felt himself being justified by the reactions of the Maronites. It was during this period that George
found himself with a split personality. He regarded himself a Greek-disciplined cleric of the Eastern Church, having a large
majestic beard and a priest's cap, ready to fight for the rights of his local church. Wearing his Jesuit cassock made him feel
guilty so he went to the college dean to discuss the system of the Catholic Church. The dean, being a conformant member
of the Order, turned down George's arguments outright.

Being a passionate lover of the Orthodox Church and an expert in Russian, it seemed natural that George Pap was destined
to continue his studies in related subjects. Who else in that school was more suited, more educated, more inclined to
become a Greek-disciplined priest?

18
A person would have to go to Rome to attend these courses, but the Hungarian church officials voiced their objections
concerning George, as did their respective counterparts in Austria. They rightly felt that this path could lead George to
schizophrenia. One day, when it was too late to do anything, George yielded, saying that as their attitude was illogical.

But logic and truth were two completely different matters. George felt it was unfair that other, less-qualified students went
on to study Eastern Courses, while he had been rejected. He then wrote a letter to a high-ranking official in Rome, setting
out his dream. When an affirmative reply arrived, it seemed that all his dreams would come true.

CHAPTER 11. The East in Rome!

Once George Pap finished his studies in philosophy, he firstly went to Saint Sigismund in the South Tyrol. This is where
the students of Spassky College, who were studying to become Catholic priests in various Orthodox countries, spent their
summer holidays. George enjoyed walking around the scenic paths of the Alps and listening to the Byzantine services. The
college staff did not concern themselves with too many questions concerning Orthodox matters. But there was an elderly
Polish priest at the college, Father Vronislav Saskievich, who was a member of the Jesuit Order and a Russian linguist. The
father was very hostile towards the Orthodoxy and his fame had even reached George in Grenwald. He even criticized
certain Catholic colleagues who liked the Orthodox people, calling them "pacifists". Contrary to the other Jesuit members,
George was not mesmerised by the radiant and magnetic feeling emitted by the father. It was said that he became a Greek
reformist against his will, as it was forced upon him by his superiors. The father himself did not seem to like the Byzantine
form of services.

The elderly Father Saskievich and young George Pap did not get along at all. Down in the innermost part of his soul,
George felt very close to these pacifists (some went on to become Orthodox priests), even though they were not members
of his order.

Our young theologian discovered that he could probably make more friends outside the order rather than inside it. At  St.
Sigismundo therefore, he found himself feeling that the pacifists were his brothers.

A certain parish priest friend of George's once commented, with a smile in his voice:

"My, we used to believe up until now that the Jesuits were willingly educated to such a degree, they could hold up their
pants without a belt, using only their will and faith! But you being here... that is, you..

Let no one imagine that the "pants" on our favourite young priest kept on falling down due to his lack of will or faith.
Simply, whenever the Jesuits asked him to read out aloud a pious passage, George thought it was so funny he would burst
out laughing.

It was still summer when he arrived in Rome. He gazed at the various sights with admiration as he wandered around the
city, and soon left for the town of L'Aquila. This was where the college of St. Joseph was situated, where George would be
learning Italian. The college was situated in a drab, dry area of central Italy, the surroundings giving him a feeling of
sombreness. This sense of melancholy was further fuelled by the spiritual and intellectual emptiness hidden in most of his
fellow Italian students. Every time they returned from their holidays, this emptiness caused George more and more
suffering, but these were the people that commanded and dominated all matters having to do with Rome.

The theological lectures at the college began in October. Every morning, before leaving for the university which was
situated elsewhere, the students would firstly meditate either in their rooms or by pacing the corridors outside; they would
then attend the morning service. It seemed as if they wanted to meet the Holy Spirit every day:

"The wind bloweth where it wishes, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it
goeth: so is every one that is born of the spirit" (John 3, 8).

George used to wake up in the morning feeling the way he did previously in Grenwald - an unbeliever. He wandered
around the college as if he was just exercising his body. For hours on end, he tried to make himself believe that he was a
Christian and a monk. The "test of meditation, " which he had to do twice a day, seemed more like the "conscience test."
Nostalgia filled his heart, reminding him of the carefree period when he felt free and popular, and a deep spiritual joy
surged inside him, filling his soul and replenishing his faith, and always feeling the presence of God! It was only after
many years that George was able to overcome this heavy atmosphere of temptation. He had finished his studies and was

19
visiting France. He spent one morning walking around an old castle, which housed a huge library. George meditated while
he walked through a beautiful park situated near a small scenic lake. When a fellow student saw George reading "The
Pilgrim" (the adventurers of an anonymous Russian worshipper), he remarked:

"What worldly religiousness you have!"

Inside this book, George came across a village in which every being searched for and ached for the freedom of being the
children of God. This searching was through prayers!

This was when George realized that the absence of God, which made him suffer terribly, was due to this searching, and
which was also a guarantee representing the presence of God deep inside his soul. If he had not been molded to love God,
then he would not be suffering in his absence. It was also at this point that he finally realized that he must reach into the
core of his personality and to search deep in his heart to find the presence of Jesus Christ; he needed this presence so much!

But, returning back to the university in Rome, George found himself being unsatisfied, both intellectually and spiritually.
He heard   the   lecturers   giving  many   dry,   sterile   explanations concerning, for example, the original sin which,
according to the Tridentine Synod, was the personal sin of every person. Theology, after the synod, was orientated towards
the interpretation that the whole human race was responsible for the sins of Adam. But, according to the teachings of the
Fathers, which George was to read later, it was obvious that the only inheritance we received from Adam was the
transmitting of spiritual and physical death.

There were, of course, many knowledgeable lecturers at the university in Rome. One of them was a certain Canadian
priest, absent-minded and with a stutter, and was therefore mocked by the students.

"As the years passed", he bragged to his colleagues, "I am so much closer to perfecting my theological system, but my
students do not pay much attention to me".

The ideal theology student in Rome was the mediocre one, the one who accepted his lecturers ideas without any
misgivings, the one who did not ask questions whenever there were gaps in the lecturers teachings. A fellow student of
George failed the final examinations, even though he seemed perfectly suited to becoming a priest; another Italian student
seemed to pass with honours each time, even though he had just leamt to cope with the summaries of the courses. Since
there were many students of theology from many colleges from all over the world, it was impossible for the lecturers to
realize the potential of each student. Therefore, the results were dependent on the examinations and not on the
circumstances. After failing in his final examination, George should have been sad, but he learnt that a fellow student from
Brazil, who had almost no theological knowledge (he once wrote about "Saint Gregory of Nice" instead of "Saint Gregory
of Nyssa"), passed his exams with honours, as he had a cool head.

At the college of St. Joseph there was a small group of Jesuit students who followed the Byzantine form and rituals, which
George soon joined. However, most of their Italian fellow students ostracized them. The monks, who were of the Latin
form and rituals, respected the Greek disciplined students for only two reasons: their beards and, curiously enough, the fact
that they were allowed to marry before being ordained; in other words, "a beard and a woman!" Nevertheless, several
Sicilian students used to attend the Divine Service being performed by their "Eastern" colleagues in the beautiful small
chapel. This caused the college dean more unhappiness, as he looked upon the East with a suspicious eye. Suddenly one
day, the student president, bearing wine, joined the "Easterners group saying

"Come on, boys! Let us all drink together as good friends"

Even before the students could overcome their surprise over this unexpected event, they discovered the price they were to
pay: Early the following morning, they were taken to the Eastern chapel, where the Sicilian students were then returned
back to the Latin service.

"Roman methods", murmured the Easterners, who felt they had been cheated. The Easterners had a reading-room with a
library, and George soon found himself in charge of the library. His predecessors were interested only in the subscription
of the Soviet "Literature Newspaper" and the humanistic magazine "Crocodile", but George soon added Hans-Georg
Beck's manual on the Byzantine Theology, the beautifully illustrated book on Mount Athos by Father Chrysostom Dam,
followed by other books on Orthodox theology and spiritualism. The cost of some of these books was covered by George
himself, who used to pay with money received as gifts from relatives. Officially, he was supposed to get permission from
Father Joseph Machivelick before ordering any books (the father was in charge of the Easterner's group).
20
Therefore, one day, George asked the father if he could order a certain book that he had seen and had liked very much -
this book was "The Surreptitious Theology of the Eastern Church" by Vladimir Lossky. The request was denied, but
George decided to go ahead and buy the book and then tell the father he had bought it.

"It's happened! But the only people allowed-to read the book are the ones who want to refute the works of Lossky", replied
the father distainfully.

This attitude towards Orthodoxy by the officials of Rome did not satisfy George's expectations in the least.

George's small group of Eastern monks had friendly and ecclesiastical contacts with the students at Spassky's College, but
the problem of Eastern Orthodoxy also existed here. The majority of the college officials, who were also members of the
Jesuit Order, and the students were Catholic Slavs and Germans. Their interest was focused mainly on Russian ideologies
and politics and not on the vibrant faith of Eastern Orthodoxy. A few years before George's arrival in Rome, Father
Alexander Grigoriev, of Russian descent, complained about this narrow-minded thinking, using cynical language as he
described the recruitment policy of the college:

"Whoever did not reach Rome with Hitler, will reach Rome with Kraimer (the college dean). But the Lord be praised! The
Virgin Mary and Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin have protected us 'till now!"

In reality, the only "eastern" quality these "Easterners" had was in their attire. Their outlook was mainly one of rational and
Catholic or Protestant pedantry. It was said that once, Father Augustus Kraimer (college dean and famous author) had just
finished administering the Divine Liturgy of St John Chrysostom with a new priest, when he spoke to him in a voice filled
with anguish:

"As I was reading the words of the Sacrament of the Precious Gifts (the only words which Catholics will accept as the
introduction to the Supper), I observed that your mouth was not moving. I therefore conclude that your administering of the
liturgy was not valid".

The moment when you observed me, I had already finished the words of the Sacrament." replied the clever young priest.

"My God! So you administered the Sacrament before me? Well then, there was no bread or wine left for me to offer them
Communion. Therefore, my own service is not valid!"

Other than these rationalists, who acknowledged that the Eastern form was a clever way in which the Catholics could
entice the Orthodox, there was another group in the college with different sympathies and inclinations. They were called
"Cuk ou Nas", which in Russian means "The same with us". This phrase was first uttered by the vicar of a large church of
Byzantine form and which was dependant on Spassky's College:

"With us, in Russia, it's done like this, " he often used to say. So the students used this phrase as his nickname, as he had
never been to Russia. He had always lived in the West and was a Catholic.

Geza Kenieres was another example of this group. A fellow Hungarian, he left the German-Hungarian College after a
three-month vacation, and came to Spassky's College, earning him the nickname "Gleb". He used to walk around with his
long hair and flowing beard, and dressed the part of a typical Orthodox monk, with his wide-sleeved cassock, his rosary
and believe it or not, his boots. It was easy to imagine the "batushkas" or Russian priests wearing their boots in Siberia. But
wearing these same boots in the hot streets of Rome was another matter. His long hair earned him the nickname "Messiah".

"We Russian Orthodox priests..." he used to preach in front of the congregation, even though he was not Orthodox, nor
Russian, nor a priest. The need to flaunt, hidden under the nostalgia for eastern folkloric rituals, had taken over his soul.
But in this way, it is easy to ridicule and to pervert the Orthodox traditional rituals. Since then, whenever George Pap came
across these Greek-styled Catholics, he would murmur to himself:

"The longer the beard the lesser the amount of Orthodox faith present".

When Gregory Pevchoff, the only true Russian student at the college, finally met poor "Gleb", he decided to shave off his
beard.

21
 CHAPTER 12. Ordination!
Gregory Pevchoff was a young Russian youth who became a Catholic in Germany, and discovered his Orthodox roots
when he travelled to Rome to visit the Spassky church. He was a thin, blond lad, very bright and soft-spoken, and got on
well with other young people. Being also an excellent reader and a chanter, he had the basic merits for the Byzantine form.
His weaknesses were a somewhat unstable character and a harmful sentimentation for Orthodoxy matters; nevertheless, his
knowledge of these matters were unequalled by the other students.

"All of us Easterners", he used to say, "need a person in charge filled with understanding and love." Every time he used to
take communion in church, he would shed many tears, without of course, having the extensive experience of tear-shedding
of Saint Simeon, the New Theologos.

From the first moment, George Pap was attracted to Gregory Pevchoff, drawn by certain characteristics in his personality.
But George felt somewhat guilty as he wondered if such a close relationship suited an introverted person like himself?
Jesuit officials condemned these "special" relationships as they could disturb the delicate balance holding together the
brotherhood of the monks, and could lead to perverted or even sexual relationships. George could see the danger. He really
had to dig deep inside himself to see and understand everything and finally, with the guidance of God, he decided to carry
on with Pevchoff.

When the XVIIth Olympiad was held in Rome in the autumn of I960, Gregory and George had already become two
inseparable and happy friends. They chanted together at Spassky's College, enjoying every moment. One evening, when
they all went out to enjoy the fireworks display, it was Gregory who had the idea of renting a horse-drawn carriage so that
the students could ride back to college dressed in their cassocks.

"I'll bid you farewell as I'm leaving for Paris to continue my studies. The conditions there, both climatic and spiritual, seem
better than the ones here in Rome, " Gregory announced one day to his fellow students. They were all surprised with this
announcement, and George asked Gregory to take a walk with him through the city.

During their walk, our young monk confessed to Gregory how disturbed he had become since learning that his friend was
leaving. He also said that the college needed him as he was the only Russian student who had direct and friendly
associations with the Orthodox world.

The young Russian became so emotionally choked-up by the affection shown by George that he decided to stay in Rome.

Since then, the two young men became even closer. This friendship helped George to overcome certain taboos. Certain
everyday mundane activities, such as reading a magazine quietly on the shores of Lake Leman in Switzerland or eating a
meal at a restaurant, were out of bounds to the monks, but George had to learn them. George explained the ecclesiastical
differences between Catholics and Orthodox to Gregory, while Gregory, drawing from his own experiences, described to
George the vitality and optimistic faith shown by the Eastern Orthodoxy. This faith was a revelation for young George,
who saw that his dreams could come true through the Orthodox Church.

The two friends discussed the contradictory and realistic book "The Eastern Form of the Catholics" by Nikolayief, and also
the latest dissertations of a Russian Catholic priest against the "Latins" who were disguised as Orthodox. His main theme
was that the ideology of the Jesuits was incompatible with the traditions of the Eastern Orthodoxy. This article helped to
reinforce George's doubts- Later, George was to write a similar article, in which he lampooned the tendencies of the
"Latins" who wanted to become "Eastern" priests. This article was published by Gregory in the small mimeographed
college magazine, causing a great uproar with the college officials. They rushed to confiscate all copies of the magazine, as
everyone seemed to recognize himself in the humorous passages of George's article.

George felt that unintentionally, he had placed certain well-meaning people in a difficult position, so therefore, he visited
each and every student at Spassky College, offering explanations. After this, his relationship with the other students
improved without him having to compromise in any way.

Gregory did not say anything to George or to the other students, but he found himself suffering more and more in Rome.
The following year, being a third-year theology student, he left for Paris and the Catholic Institute.

22
One night, in a small study at St. Joseph's College, George Pap and Fritz Stimmer, who was two years older, sat discussing
the reason why Fritz was averse to seeing the small hanging oil-lamp in front of the icon of the Madonna.

"These wretched objects of our adoration hide a work of art such as the icon of the Madonna", he declared.

"I protest, "replied George, "you're in a collision-course with tradition, and all because of your rationalism. I am in charge
of the library. I will report you to our superior, Father Machivelick".

"I criticize your religious sentimentalism and your theatricalism during the service! And as for Father Machivelick, you can
be sure that he will never take your side. Once, he even wanted to remove you from the library,” replied Stimmer.

This was a revelation for George. It was true that he did react somewhat emotionally to the rationalism of his fellow
students, and it seems that he realized it a little too late. And as for the respect Father Machivelick had for him, Stimmer
was right. Therefore, George found himself tolerating Fritz Stimmer, by allowing him to perform the offertory every
morning without the traditional vestments, even though he was a priest and should be using the usual sacerdotal vestments.
George realized that Stimmer had an ally in the father and that they could easily destroy his career. Father Machivelick had
no time for people like George Pap.

Nevertheless, most of the time, the life of the monks was usually more tranquil. One Easter vacation, a group of students,
who were followers of the Byzantine form, went to Capri, George amongst them. In the morning, they used to perform
their service on a ledge above the Blue Caves. The fishermen in their boats gathered around the Caves like moths around a
bright light, to listen to the harmonic psalmodies. The naive and unsophisticated Italians enjoyed the Eastern-styled prayers
very much.

In the autumn of 1961, George finally received official permission to "pass from the Latin to the Byzantine form", written
on a piece of bad-quality paper. In the Order of the Jesuits, this transfer took place requiring permission only from the
officials. Nevertheless, the Canon Law of Roman Catholicism made provision for the priest who wanted to change form.
The priest would f irst have to apply to his superior in writing -this application to be countersigned by the bishop of the
other religious form - and have his superior give his written permission for the transfer to take place. George tried to
explain to Father Machivelick that this procedure was preferable, as it showed the free actions of the applicant who is
leaving the local church and the paramount right of the other bishop accepting him as a new obedient member. Here, there
exists differing viewpoints between the Greek-disciplined and the Latin-disciplined officials. But the good father, being a
believer of the omnipotence of his Latin superiors, was not prepared to help George through this canonial procedure.

Sometime later, our young monk began to learn the various duties of the priest. He went to a Russian priest to help him,
who used to be an Orthodox priest. This priest, a man of prayer but somewhat slow when performing his services,
transmitted a form of true Orthodox spiritualism to anyone who wanted to follow his moral standards.

George preferred the services to be shortened somewhat, so as not to be tiring and boring for the congregation; this
included the private services which were performed everyday by the Greek-disciplined priests, as they were offered
'financial gifts".

By the time Christmas arrived, George had became a deacon. The bishop that ordained him, and who previously used to be
Orthodox, was pleasantly surprised by the familiarity and ease the new deacon showed with the services; it seemed as if he
had been ordained years ago. George showed great enthusiasm in his new duties. Two-three Russian giris, who often came
to the church at Spassky College told George:

"It's a pity you weren't ordained a priest. With the other deacons we hear only the melody and the words, but with you we
understand and feel every word".

The majority of the Russians did not come to Spassky Church as they could not understand the services which were given
in Slavic, so the church officials placed great emphasis on the melodious sounds of the psalms and prayers.

The Saturday of Holy Week in 1962 was a special occasion for Father George. After the evening prayer and the prophetic
utterances for the Easter Mass, after the hymns of the Jews for their deliverance from Egypt and after the Epistle and the
"God is resurrected to judge the world", the clergymen wear their white vestments (which is a symbol of the Resurrection)
and the bishop continues the service with the Divine Liturgy of St.Basil. After entering the Sanctuary with the Precious
Gifts, two deacons - one of whom was Gregory Pevchoff, who had especially come to Rome for this occasion - guided
23
Father George Pap to the sanctuary .He circled the alter three times, while the priests chanted the Martyrs Hymn. The
bishop then placed his hand on the head of the young deacon, transmitting to him the dignity of the Roman Catholic Greek-
disciplined priesthood. He then placed the sacerdotal vestments on him, while the congregation shouted in Greek: "άξιος,
άξιος..." ("worthy, worthy").

Father George Pap felt his heart filling with the calling of the peace-maker. Two days after his ordainment, he was
performing the service inside the Catacombs, where he commemorated not only the Catholic hierarchy but also the
Orthodox patriarchy, one by one. The Roman Catholic Church did not allow this.

The following day, he performed the service with two other priests, a Rumanian and a Slav, to show his friendly
inclinations towards the two countries bordering his country; his fellow countrymen often thought these two countries were
their enemies.

Once, Father George also performed the service at the Latin chapel at St. Joseph's College. Before starting the service he
spoke to the congregation:

"Please do not pay attention to the external details of the service, which gives an exotic flavour to it. Try and pray together
with the priest. Keep the object of the service in your mind. Contrary to the norm, I'll deliver a few of the prayers in
Italian".

At the end of the service, a Roman Catholic priest confessed to Father George that this was the first time he had really
prayed during an Eastern service.

The young priest did not hesitate to defend Orthodoxy in front of his superiors. One day, the dean of St. Joseph's College
gave the students an article to read, in which the Russian bishops were ridiculed because they had stated that they had faith
in the Communist regime. George protested fervently:

"In my homeland, in Hungary, the Roman Catholic bishops are issuing the same statements as their Russian colleagues.
Why aren’t they also being ridiculed in similar articles?"

"With all due respect, I chose this article only because it was interesting", was the dean's reply. He could not find a better
excuse.

"Then it would probably have been better if you had chosen a thriller as reading material for us", was the bold reply from
the young priest, whom the dean had thought was the quietest at the college.

Father George felt it was time to clear up a certain problem with the superior in charge of the Greek-disciplined students.

"We are preparing ourselves to serve the people who belong to the Eastern traditions. Therefore, 1 feel it is advisable for us
to study theology based on the Greek Fathers and not on the scholastic school of thought", he told Father Machivelick.

"I have no sympathy with these strange views of yours", was the father's dry reply.

After a year or so, the fathers of the 2nd Vatican Synod voted, in the formation of the Ecumenical Council, for a passage
which gave the "Easterners" the right to study theology based on the Greek Fathers. When George returned from France,
he found an inspiring plan by Father Machivelick in the reading-room of the Institute for the Unification of Christians: the
establishment of a university for Eastern Patrological Studies in Rome. In truth, this was just pre-election campaign
promises, as the father was running for the office of the Dean of the Institute for the Unification of Christians.

CHAPTER 13. An intermezzo in France!

At this point, one could ask oneself: 'Since Father George Pap had discovered how much he was drawn to Orthodoxy, why
did he still remain in the Roman Catholic Church and not just join the Orthodox Church?"

The answer is easy for those that know the Catholics. The Roman Catholic Church usually imposes itself on people in a
very human and logical manner. The Church itself resembles a large global all-embracing country. This logic, which is
accepted by the Catholic masses, states that the Church is a type of "company", which in turn needs one and only one
24
person in charge, i.e., the Pope. "We need a superior chief", one Russian Catholic priest was fond of saying. It was difficult
to escape from this form of predisposition, which has been drummed into the Catholics since childhood, and also to find a
democratic Orthodox reply to this false excuse.

There is also another reason. The Roman Catholic Church has the "iron-curtain" syndrome - it is like a country surrounded
by barbed-wire and minefields. Psychological pressures such as contempt, scorn, etc. are exerted on those people that want
to leave the Catholic Church for another church, often causing injuries which have the same effect as an exploding mine.
Words like "miserable", "defector", "apostate" are used to describe these people, and also affects the people that surround
them.

All relatives and friends and even acquaintances are considered suspect by church officials, since they know the "guilty"
person. The power and the strength of Catholicism are in its cohesion.

Before the 2nd Vatican Synod in the early 1960s, who was brave enough to try and break through the "iron-curtain?" To be
willing to risk such an explosion, a person had to have an unshakable faith, enjoy living dangerously or even be suffering
from psychological disorders and not really understand the consequences. Father George knew several of the priests who
did leave the Catholic Church and become Orthodox, and they seemed to have one or more of the aforementioned
characteristics. These were not examples to be remembered.

This was why he felt that he had to approach the Orthodox faith slowly and discreetly. In 1960 he published his first
historical article, in which he supported the Uniates cause against Orthodoxy, but with reservations. His next article, which
appeared two years later, had the Greek-disciplined Hungarian Christians as its theme. It was here that Father George's
leanings towards the Uniates and the Orthodox faith were more obvious. Amongst other things, he praised the Uniates
return to the functional rites of Orthodoxy, which was a specific movement from the Latin discipline and rites to the
Orthodox discipline and rites by certain Uniate Churches in the West. This article was favourably accepted by the
Hungarian Uniates, with whom Father George was renewing his ties, and also by the Hungarian Orthodoxy, who devoted a
full page in their "Ecclesiastical Chronicles" on Father George.

Father George Pap corresponded often with his Uniate friends in Hungary, who were at that stage very enthusiastic with
the initial discussions at the 2nd Vatican Synod on the rapprochement with the Orthodox. As soon as he received his
Theology Degree, he decided to write another article, based on the ideological orientation of the Uniates, which of course,
was also an extension of the ideological orientation of the himself, since his superiors intended that Father George would
work together with the Hungarian Uniates.

In this article, he supported the view that the Uniates revive all the traditional Orthodox rites, such as theological, spiritual,
functional, liturgical, canonical, etc., but to still retain ties with Rome. What a dangerous delusion indeed! In this manner, a
"second Orthodox world" would be formed, and the pressures of reality would certainly cause it to become an adversary of
the real Orthodox world. Father George Pap did not realize then that this proposal was really the idea of the wily leader of
the Uniates. This proposal would certainly not bring together the two churches. The delusion that a person could be a true
Orthodox and be with Rome at the same time caused Father George to be guilty of this serious offence. In the ensuing
confusion, he asked another young Orthodox priest to perform his services.

When the young Jesuit students completed their theological studies, they had to spend a year in spiritual meditation. Father
George Pap had heard many things about "Orthodox Paris" from his friend Gregory Pevchoff, so he asked his superiors if
he could spend his year of mediation in Paris. So in the autumn of 1963, he arrived at the Jesuit monastery in Auxerre,
which was especially suited for spiritual meditations. There were priests there from all over the world, even from as far of
as Australia. The father superior seemed to be a clever but hard person.

I offer you my heart, but not my time", he declared to one of his subordinates.

At the monastery there was a large group of priests called "the shrewd ones". They were hard, active and extroverted. Since
Father George's character was different from theirs, they ignored him completely, and this applied and to other priests who
were not of their mold. Having the reputation of not being ascetically-inclined, the mornings that they spent in meditation
were also spent mocking Father George, as he spent hours pacing up and down the corridor, engrossed in the planning of
his new article. Another German-Jewish priest, who had become a Christian at an advanced age, liked and respected Father
George, as they had both discovered their faith by themselves and not like the majority of "the shrewd ones, "who had
grown up in the various colleges of the Jesuit Order".

25
"I had a feeling about your spiritual inclinations", he later confessed to Father George.

Ramon Soares, a Greek-disciplined priest from Portugal, was another of Father George's companions at the monastary.
Being more organized and methodical than George, Ramon transformed a small room into an Eastern chapel. He hung
paper copies of icons on the walls and used a high table as an altar. He used to speak nonstop about the Easterners:

"The easterners are like this, the Easterners do this, you are not doing it as the Easterners would do it...".

"You are more of an Easterner than Ramon, so you don't have to keep using the word' Easterner' as he does", confided a
mutual friend to Father George.

One day in January of 1964, our two young clergymen, George Pap and Ramon Soares, went from Auxerre to Autun by
train - Autun being where the bishop resided. They were going there to celebrate a week of Christian unity. While
travelling, they discussed the extraordinary events they had just witnessed on television at the monastery. All the priests
had gathered in front of the TV set to watch the pilgrimage of Pope Paul the VI to Jerusalem. A resounding "Aaaah" filled
the room when the Roman Catholic clergy saw the majestic figure of the Patriarch of Constantinople Athenagoras on the
screen. Even though he was a controversial figure inside his own church, he still impressed the Catholics with his charm
and glamour, while exuding the power and mysticism of Orthodoxy.

At the train-station, the two young clergymen bought some French magazines (Paris Match, Jour de France), which were
filled with photographs of the meeting between the two church leaders. Father George was planning to send some
magazines back to Hungary, so his fellow-countrymen could see what was going on, religion-wise, in the outside world.

When they arrived in Autun, Fathers Ramon and George agreed to perform the Byzantine service the following day. Father
Ramon Soares taught some of the local religious students to chant part of the service in French, while Father George Pap
used an abridged version of the benedictions, but he did read out aloud, in French, some of the holy prayers. The
congregation, who was just getting used to hearing the liturgy in their language (after the reforms issued after the 2nd
Vatican Synod), really appreciated the majestic rites of the Byzantine liturgy. Soon after, Father George performed the
services at the large church in Auxerre, and here again, the congregation showed it's appreciation of the Byzantine style.
The only person who was unhappy was Father Ramon Soares, who did not like the service being performed in French. One
day, after going alone to Mouluis to perform the service at the church there, Father Ramon returned triumphantly.

"I performed the complete service in Greek, down to the last letter", he crowed to Father George.

At the monastery in Auxerre, the days passed by, filled with prayers, studying and pastoral ministrations. Often, Father
George took confession in the monastery. This was when he discovered the dimensions of Grace, which hides the
sacraments of penance. Father George found himself hearing confessions about routine, mundane everyday problems, but
he also witnessed true religious transformations, which was happening quite often during that period of time. Since then,
the young father made it a habit to pray before starting confession.

One day, Gregory Pevchoff came to visit Father George. Gregory had just been ordained, but it was obvious that he was
having problems with his faith and his beliefs. The days and nights were spent going from restaurant to restaurant. Later,
Father George reciprocated by visiting Gregory in Paris. They met at the station, then went immediately to a small
Orthodox church.

At the festival of the Three Hierarchs, the two friends followed the eulogy at the Institute of Orthodox Theology at Saint
Serge (the festival of the Three Hierarchs is celebrated here at the Institute using the old calendar, with all the Orthodox
bishops in Paris taking part). Gregory introduced his friend to the secretariat of the Institute. When he saw our young
priest, with his beard and his collar, he whispered something to Gregory, who nodded his head. Later, while eating at a
restaurant, Father George asked what the secretariat wanted to know?

"He wanted to know if you were from the 'same place'" (the Spassky College in Rome).

Father George was furious. The Spassky College was certainly the black sheep for the Russians, but should he - who was
so against this college and everything it stood for - be considered part of it? But there was not much he could do after this.

"You look great when you get mad", was Gregory's statement.

26
 CHAPTER 14. A shattering decision!
In the autumn of 1964, Father George Pap was recalled back to Rome by his superiors, to carry on his studies in Eastern
Ecclesiastical History and to receive his doctoral degree from the Institute for the Unification of Christians. During this
period, the 2nd Vatican Synod had entered it's third phase. Father George lived the events of the Synod day by day, and he
felt as if his life was at stake. When he heard them talking about rapprochement between the Catholic and the Orthodox
Churches, he wished with all his heart that the unification of the two churches, each with it's own idiosyncrasies, would be
speeded up. And when that day would finally arrive, he would feel part of the Orthodox faith. Therefore, his personality
crisis would also be over.

But certain events were tο occur that would change his whole outlook in life. A few weeks after returning back to the
Institute, he received a letter from his friend Gregory Pevchoff, dated November 8th. Opening the letter, he began reading:
"My dear friend George, I have finally decided to become Orthodox...".

George's eyes widened in disbelief as he continued to read the letter in which Gregory expressed his wishes to live the life
of a secular clergyman, and to marry. This letter was just the kindling stone for all the changes that were about to take
place in the soul of our young monk. The start of a real chain-reaction.

As the 2nd Vatican  Synod was reaching it's conclusion, Father George received a phone call from the editor of the
newspaper "Unification", who was going to publish his article on the Uniates. The editor was calling from Rome, where he
was attending the Synod.
"Well, my dear father, do you now believe that the Uniate Melchites, the so-called forerunners of unification, have now
lost their respect? At the Synod, they voted for a format which has been turned down outright by the Orthodoxy. The
Uniates can no longer represent the Orthodoxy. Re-examine your article and re-write it with this in mind".

In fact, George now felt that the Melchites had failed in their role as mediators for unification between the churches.
Before voting commenced on the various topics which had been discussed by the Synod (which included Ecclesiology and
Ecumenism), the Pope intervened and attenuated the topics by adding and subtracting clauses. Therefore, the notorious
"college of bishops" of the 2nd Synod could not strike a balance between the over-accentuation of primacy and infallibility,
which had been established by the 1st Vatican Synod. Pope Paul VI eulogized the role of the Pope inside the church. He
continued to retain absolute power inside the Catholic Church, and this authoritarian intervention by Pope Paul VI in the
2nd Synod proved conclusively that the Pope was, and is, the main obstacle towards unification with the Orthodox Church.

But what are these assertions of Rome based on? Some one recommended that George should read a book called "The
Structure of the Church" by Hans King. The author quoted various authoritative Roman Catholic theologians and
sociologists, who confessed that it was possible for a Pope to become either heretical or schismatic, and therefore not be as
effective as he should be in his role as the leader of the Catholic Church. In these circumstances, who will examine the
legalities and the wisdom and the accuracy of the papal teachings? Indubitably, the people who should perform these
checks and balances belong to the church itself, and are the subjects of the Pope himself. Therefore, how much uncertainty
prevailed in the Latin teachings of Papal authority?

Father George Pap had started researching the various attempts for Eastern and Western church unification in the 14th and
15th Century quite a while back, and soon had a clear conception of the Orthodox teachings on primacy. Nicholas
Cavasilas, Simeon of Thessaloniki and Joseph of Vryennios all recognized that the first bishop of the church was especially
charismatic and talented, but they all underlined the fact that exercising these extraordinary talents presupposed certain
conditions. The primary condition of primacy was, according to these Orthodox theologians, respect for the complete
system of the Church, or the mutual dependence by the first bishop on the other bishops. With this condition, Father
George could now comprehend the correct teachings of the church. This radical re-examination of his views, which he had
had since almost the day he was bom, and the intellectual transformation that was going on, was paralleled by the
transformation his heart was undergoing. His best friend had written that he was becoming an Orthodox priest - a friend,
who had been his co-functionary around the same altar up until a few days ago, had left him. An intangible wall had arisen
between them. It was at this moment in time that Father George Pap personally felt the rift in Christianity -not from his
friend's conversion, but from his own. A part of him left for the Orthodox world.

He started going to the Russian Orthodox Church in Rome and it felt like home. Father Gregory Pevchoff was not the only
Catholic priest who had become Orthodox; Father George Pap was right behind him -mind, soul, heart and body.

27
High above the roofs of Rome, a young monk paced the roof of the Institute for the Unification of Christians. Several hours
each day, Father George paced and thought and planned for the future. He wanted to change to Orthodoxy, but how would
he go about it? Would it be enough if he just left Rome?

He felt his emotions taking over his mind. Was he really mature enough to change his faith and his church? Had he a clear
and assertive conviction for what he was about to do? He felt that he should wait awhile before taking this decisive step.

Another consideration was that he still felt very attached to the Hungarian Uniates. He often sent them books, liturgical
patens, slides on various Orthodox subjects, copies of icons, etc., hoping to kindle their interest in Orthodox matters. Some
time later, he translated an abridged version of the book by Virgil Georgiou, "From the Twenty-Fifth Hour to Eternity",
and sent them three hundred copies. This book, which described in detail the life of an Orthodox Rumanian priest who was
married, caused a great impression with the Uniate clergy, who were often persecuted for being married.

This small edition had been approved by the superiors of the order. Therefore, the Uniate bishop, who was of Latin
discipline allowed the book to be used as reading material by his students. In reality, this bishop was waiting for the
opportunity to stop the positive movement towards Orthodoxy. His reasoning was that if the leader of this movement,
Father George Pap, became an Orthodox, he could then ban the rapprochement with the schismatics, since he had always
considered this rapprochement sinister and dangerous. Therefore, Father George's personal work for Orthodoxy was
preventing him from becoming Orthodox.

Since Father George lived close to the "factors" that determined the policies of Rome concerning the unification between
the churches (he attended lessons at the Institute for the Unification of Christians, and also lived with his superiors), he
really understood how unfair the Pope was towards the Orthodox people.

"Today we have a new method", explained Father Gabriel Savici, a lecturer at the Institute. Looking around the room, he
continued, "Is your Orthodox colleague here? No! Fine, I can then interpret it honestly. Today, we are following the
ecumenical method and we are against conversions. So, if one day, your Orthodox colleague came to me and told me that
he had been converted by the wisdom and the righteousness of Catholicism, I would still refuse to advise him to return to
Constantinople and to rise up through the ranks of the hierarchy. And when he reaches the highest level then, in my
opinion, he should become a Roman Catholic with his flock!"

This shows how certain people from Rome were using ecumenism as a Papal "method" for the transformation of the
Orthodoxy.

Other than the hard papists, there was another group at the Institute called the "progressives", led by Father Martino Lopez
of the Canon Law Department. Father Lopez, or as his rivals called him, "Caudillo" (Spanish for leader; it was also
Francisco Franco's title), was the son of a fascist general and who even looked like a dictator. As the fashion changed
regularly, so did Father Lopez - he was now fanatically left-wing! One day, while walking through the streets of Rome,
wearing civilian clothes, Father Lopez bumped into Father George, who was still wearing his cassock even though he had
left the order. Father Lopez then proceeded to give George a lecture on the reactionary custom of certain clergy in still
wearing their cassocks, in a tone which reminded George of the Spanish Inquisition. "Caudillo" was even interested in the
theology concerning the "death of God".

"The atheists are the people who revolt against a mistaken conception of God. But we also reject this conception.
Therefore, we are all atheists", he preached one day. George felt disgusted with a person like Father Lopez.

"I understand very well how Catholics can lose their faith and become atheists, but I can't understand how Catholics can
become Orthodox. It is a completely irrational step", commented a young priest, who was planning to become a lecturer at
the Institute for the Unification of Christians.

These then were just some of the attitudes held by officials who were officially working in the ecumenical movement. But,
luckily for Father George, there was a small minority of priests in Rome who were more reasonable and more broad-
minded. One advantage of the Institute was the large and well-stocked library/reading-room, where a person could work all
day.

CHAPTER 15. A compromise without compromising!

28
While in his second year at the Institute for the Unification of Christians, Father George Pap received a visit from a high-
ranking Hungarian clergyman. He showed great understanding for Father George's ideas. Our young monk then decided to
compromise which, in reality, proved to be the opposite, as later it was to change his life completely. He decided, for the
good of the Catholic Church, not to move from his position with his own accord and to remain in the Roman Catholic
Church and in the Jesuit Order. But, parallel to this, he would speak out honestly and straightforwardly, in public and in
private, and to defend his Orthodox convictions. Of course, these convictions opposed the official views from Rome.
Therefore, when his superiors would decide to punish him at a later stage, either to suppress him or to remove him from the
order, it would be an act of God and not his fault that he would have to leave the order.

With complete honesty, Father George also wrote a letter to Father Jacob Dubois, who headed the Greek-disciplined group
in the order: "I am presently living in an environment which is not to my liking. I want to ' speak the truth with
love'(Ephesians 4, 15) as often as I can, and to reach a dialogue with love, if the true dialogue is unattainable. It is
incomprehensible I can be both Jesuit and "Eastern" at the same time. I must confess that I feel more "Eastern" (or
Orthodox, as I just can't describe my feelings) than being a member of the Jesuit Order. But since the Catholic Church is
now evolving,

I feel that I should endure this apparent paradox. I am not a true ecumenist, using the current meaning of the word, I can't
represent the Orthodox Church because I do not have a true canonical relationship with them; nor can I represent the
Catholics, as I disagree with them in almost everything. I want to work amongst the Uniates, to help them to become
Orthodox through stable and peaceful means."'

What was Father Dubois' reaction to this honest outpour by Father George? His answer was plain and simple - absolute
silence! He did not reply to Father George's letter, but from that moment on, he showed nothing but hostile feelings
towards the young priest.

This decision of Father George's, to air his views honestly, caused him to give two public speeches. In his first speech, he
re-examined his soon to be published article on the Uniates. His second speech was given in front of members of the
Hungarian Catholic Universities Movement.

The convention of this movement took place in the autumn of 1966 in Luxemburg. It was a good excuse for taking trips to
scenic areas and to forming new friendships. The main topic of the convention was the 2nd Vatican Synod. The other main
speaker, other than Father George, was a Protestant pastor.

Father George's speech was on the Orthodox view of the 2nd Vatican Synod. He underlined that the Christianity of the
Franks in the 3rd and 4th Centuries could not assimilate the teachings of the Greek Fathers of the Orthodox Church. For
this reason, it was vital to define, initially, the meaning of the term "traditional". The "genuine" Roman Catholics conjured
up traditions from the period of Pius XII, but did not realize that these traditions were illegal modernizations of the true
traditions of the Church Fathers. In contrast, the so-called "progressives" were inclined to abolish certain eternal values of
Christianity, such as fasting. But, both the progressive and the genuine Roman Catholics believed that these values had
their origins in the temporary will of their ecclesiastical leaders. In continuation, Father George spoke about the
participation of the uncreated Grace, which is the cornerstone of the sacraments of Orthodox theology. In the Christian
West, only a few of the rationalist faithful comprehend. He went on to analyse the respective passages for the realistic
mysticism of Orthodoxy, and carried on with a report on the Eastern theology of the Holy Spirit, which basically
characterizes Eastern ecclesiology. One of the Papal edicts which surpass "love" is not legally binding, as "love" is the
First Commandment. And if the West is worried about anarchy in the church, the Catholics must realise that the Orthodox
are just as worried about the signs of oppression that Rome has shown in various disputes in the past.

"These are terrible things you told us about the Pope!" objected a young person. "The promise that Christ gave to Saint
Peter: And upon this rock I will build my church (Matthew 16, 18), is clear proof of the Roman Catholic position".

"I agree with you that the problem is a serious one", replied the speaker, "but I disagree with the interpretation of the
passage you quoted. It must be interpreted in accordance with the context, and the interpretations of the Holy Fathers
should be used as they were more reliable chronologically wise. Did you know that even in the Western Church, Saint
Cyprian in the 3rd Century taught that the bishop in Rome was not the only successor to Peter; every bishop in the Church,
who was faithful to the gospel of Peter, was a successor."

It was difficult to determine how much tradition the Catholics actually ignored. Father George was now beginning to
comprehend the words of the Russian theologian Chomiakoff, who believed that "the Pope was the first Protestant because

29
he was the first person to interpret the Bible without consulting tradition" ("the Bible only" a stereotype phrase used by the
Protestants, who rejected tradition).

The lecture was followed by a discussion. Father George was enthralled that even the most distinguished members of the
audience showed their appreciation of his lecture by clapping enthusiastically. Only two theology lecturers kept silent. One
of them, a lecturer of dogmatics at Budapest, later spoke to a friend of Father George's:

"I did not realize that there were Orthodox priests in your Order."

"I just learnt it today", was the reply.

Father George met many students at the Institute, each one having his own talent. One student was a Hungarian Uniate
priest, with whom Father George was planning to collaborate with in the publishing of the dialogue of the Orthodox
Metropolitan Chrysostom with the Melchite Archbishop Elia Zogby, concerning the return of the Uniates to the Orthodox
Mother Church. Unfortunately, the Hungarian publisher refused to print this article. The Uniate priest studied every article
he could find, concerning Orthodox theology, and he would send back home all the copies of icons he could find. Once,
hoping to amuse his countrymen, he sent them bottle tops with the Pope's emblem stamped on them - traders in
ecclesiastical items sold everything and anything - which shocked quite a few naive people.

Another student at the Institute was a Corsican priest, who was a collector of Byzantine icons. When an Orthodox nun saw
one of his icons, a genuine 15th Century Byzantine icon of the Madonna, she remarked that the Orthodox religion was
indeed a "gem". This Corsican student was writing his thesis on Greco-Italian iconography. He become so engrossed in his
work, he almost lived in the Middle Ages. He used to get together with Father George every day, to discuss the faces and
the illustrations that he came across in his work, which livened up their discussions. They used to visit secondhand shops
together, admiring the wonderful icons they would come across. Other times, they would stop off for a sandwich and a
capuccino at a cafe.

During his first year at the Institute, Father George met a young dark-haired student, having a penetrating but kind look in
his eyes, and who seemed to give off an aura of spirituality and extraordinary intellectual power.

"What language do you speak? Italian, French, German, Russian?"

"For now, I speak better Russian. I've just arrived here. My name is Branco Savich and I'm a Serb".

Their friendship soon grew as a result of their cause. Father George felt his heart bounding with joy as he now had a true
Orthodox friend, a person he could trust and could confide in, to talk to about his problems, his agonies and the nostalgia
that drove him towards the Orthodox faith. Due to the fact that Branco liked George very much, he was very severe with
George. He had no time for cordialities or placidness.

"I just don't understand you! Why are you torturing yourself for the sake of church unity? So what if the Melchites lost
their cause in the recent ecumenical dialogue? How else could you expect them to act, since they are not Orthodox? Be a
realist and look to save your own soul!"

One day, they went off to Subiaco, where Saint Benedict of Nursia lived a monastic life(founder of the Benedictine Order,
which was the first order to be established in the West). Branco climbed the wall of the monastery, which was situated near
a precipice, and sat on top, admiring the wild beauty of the area. "Tell me, why do you sit and vegetate inside the Institute
for the Unification of Christians, when you could be living in this beautiful place and you could really pray to God?" he
asked Father George.

Branco Savich kept in touch with a compatriot, Father Cyril Dragomitrovich, a priest-monk, who was in Athens
completing his thesis for his doctorate. Even though he disliked the Roman Catholics, Father Cyril came to Rome one day
on a pilgrimage for the remnants of the undividable church. His charm, mixed with a touch of dogmatic sterness, impressed
everyone he came into contact with. One day, Branco introduced him to a Uniate nun:

"Father Cyril, let me introduce you to a Russo-ltalian nun".

"I don't understand, are you Russian or Italian?" asked Father Cyril.

30
"My body is Italian but my soul is Russian", replied the nun in an affected and unnatural tone.

Father Cyril could not stand this type of deceit, so he persisted with his questions:

"I don't care about your nationaity -it's your religion that I'm interested in".

This was a difficult question for a Uniate to answer; nevertheless, the nun replied:

"I belong...to the ecumenical religion". A statement without meaning.

This reply raised the father's ire even further:

"With all due respect, this form of religion does not exist". This reply left the nun open-mouthed and speechless.

Later, Father Cyril performed the liturgy in the room known as the "Greek chapel", in the beautiful Priscilles catacomb. In
here, one of the wall-paintings depicted the first Eucharistic (Thanksgiving) Supper. When Father George and another
Catholic priest tried to approach the minister, he motioned to the Catholic priest not to approach him and to move away.
The Orthodox Church expressly forbids the co-worshipping with heretics.

After the service, the Catholic priest approached Father Cyril in a teasing frame of mind:

"You know, we others... we heretics that is...".

The priest-monk interrupted the Catholic priest by hugging him, smiling and tilled with love for his fellow-priest. This was
an example of "true love".

After a two-year stay in Rome, Father Branco Savich joined Father Cyril Dragomitrovich in Athens, to begin his thesis for
his doctorate. After several years, he became a priest-monk and took the name Serapion. During this period, he kept in
touch with Father George, giving him advice and comfort. His letters on mystical theology included the following
passages:

"As the days go by, I'm feeling the wonderful majestic power of the Orthodox Church in my soul more and more.I hope
that one day, with the grace of God, I will become a freedman-meaning His freedom. The Orthodox Church has suffered
Babylonian-type bondage throughout the centuries and has lost everything, but has been able to preserve it's soul, it's heart
- which means that the church still has everything. The church has never lost the feeling of eternity because it never
allowed time to enter the bosom of the church without glorifying it. The church's time was, and is, dedicated exclusively to
the gallantry of God. And this is exactly where the latent power of Orthodoxy is situated, and which attracts the sad and
undercharged human hearts. What has brought joy to my soul? Well, it's the feeling of eternity inside the chronicles of
time; it's the distinction, which is a major characteristic of the Orthodox Church, that the church does not impose itself on
man, but respects every inch of freedom that he possesses and allows him to decide whether he wants to rejoin the
synodical community or to lose himself in the tragic emptiness of individualism. This is our only hope for the future.

There where it seems there is no hope, that's when the true creation and the life of the faithful begin. When all the earthly
powers crumble, that's when the church is born.

You write to me saying that you choose this road or that road because you like the spiritual beauty. It would probably be
better if you said that you decided to choose this road or that road because the roots of your existence felt hungry and
thirsty without being satisfied.

Faith is discovered everyday, otherwise it dies everyday. The daily routine death frightens me. The venerable Father
Paisios, a monk from Mount Athos, recently stated that people live and die without realizing the true potential they had
inside them.

One time, a priest friend of mine wrote to me, asking if food would change my outlook, in life. Then, I had smiled, but now
I'm not smiling. It concerns a deep sense of realism or, if you want, a sense of Orthodox materialism; but this materialism
frees nature itself, it frees man and allows him to meet existentially with his Lord and Saviour at the borders of the Created
and the uncreated. Fasting is the freeing of the essence from historical and naturalistic determinism. Without this deep
sense of realism, a person cannot understand the sacraments of freedom and faith. Without fasting, one or more stones are
31
transformed into bread, as was asked by the devil. (The devil said: "If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones
be made into bread." "Matthew 4,3".) So man is transformed into rock and man's history into a number of rock.

I am tired of this so-called "ecumenical Christ", who almost resembles the Triple God of India, while he's losing more and
more of his existence each day, and seems to be slowly dematerializing.

Father George Pap had almost completed his studies at the Institute for the Unification of Christians when he sent a re\ ι ed
edition of his article on the Uniates to the magazine "Unification". He asked the editor of the magazine to print the article
anonymously, as the article would have had to have been censored by his superiors at the order if it was printed under his
name. Father George had almost finished proofreading the article when the editor, prompted by a colleague, asked for
certain changes to be made, and also asked Father George to sign the article. Officials from the Greek-disciplined group
refused to support him, so he went to a jovial American official and asked him if the article could be given to two specific
clergymen for censoring. These two clergymen were the only two in the order that would approve his ideas and therefore
sanction the article. The American agreed, and the article was published after being "censored".

The article clearly stated that the Greek-disciplined churches were opponents of the Orthodox Church, but whose
ecclesiastical characteristics of certain recent Roman texts have been recognized. At certain times, the existence of the
Uniates supported the Catholics in their illusions that they are the "world's church". The article also rejected ecumenism
and accordingly, the dogmatic values of the various Synodical decisions - amongst them was the 1st Vatican Synod
decision concerning the Pope. In continuation, the article went on to state that political pressures had forced the majority of
the various "unifications" to take place. Examples of these unifications were the first Rumanians to join with Rome and
who wanted to retain their religion; the Carpatho-Rutherians, who wanted to retain their old faith; and even the Bulgarian
Uniates continue to call themselves Orthodox. The conclusion was obvious - the unifications were formed under a
misapprehension, and for this reason the Uniates must return to Eastern Orthodoxy. By doing this, the major obstacle to
unification would tie removed.

When the article was published in the autumn of 1966, it created an uproar at the Institute. Coincidently, it was during this
period that an official from the Institute was attending a meeting for the re-establishment of the Uniate Church in
Czechoslovakia. The church had been closed during the Stalin era and was reopening after "The Spring of Prague" had
fought for religious freedom. (Alexander Dubcek allowed all religions to be re-established.)

"Are you really the person that wrote this article? And you're still a Catholic?' This was a question that many church
officials asked Father George.

In the meantime, a monk, who happened to be the brother of the editor of the magazine "Unification", travelled throughout
Rumania, to see first hand the problems the Uniates were facing. Returning to Hungary, he wrote to Father George:

"Have faith, the Rumanian bishops and theologians were all very impressed with your article!"

"My dear sir, I did not write this article to deceive the Orthodox and to present them with an official' Catholic position, for
which I have been condemned. I wrote this article with the aim of changing the mentality of the Catholics, but
unfortunately I failed".

The new dean at the Institute, Father Machivelick, commented ironically:

"I read your article. Your comments and views are already known by almost everyone. Basically, you have opened doors
that were already open".

But he did also mention to Father George that a room would not be available at the Institute the following year. For the
small period of time that the scholarship covered his thesis, hospitality would be extended to him on the condition that he
contacted the official in charge of the boarding-house in advance. Father Machivelick also gave orders that all letters
addressed to Father George should be sent back.

CHAPTER 16. An about-face!

Father George Pap returned back to the Institute for the Unification of Christians the following year (1968), with his two
suit cases and a hand-written copy of his thesis in French. The theme of his thesis was "The Unification Attempts in the

32
14th and 15th Centuries." All that remained for him to do was to type the thesis and to present it to the Institute committee.
He had earlier contacted. Father Joseph Miller, the house-keeper of the Institute, concerning accommodation. The father
had replied saying that the Institute would offer him accommodation for the period of time required to present his thesis.
But when Father George met Father Joseph to arrange a room, the good father had other ideas:

"I promised you a room for your presentation? Never! But come and let us drink a liqueur together".

Father George blamed himself for his naivety in not bringing Father Joseph's acceptance letter with him. He was also
certain that the dean, Father Machivelick, was behind the housemaster's refusal. Listening to Father Joseph inviting him for
a drink, he thought:

"Roman methods...false and sanctimonious".

The truth was as follows: In Rome, where the Order of the Jesuits had hundreds of houses and rooms for it's members.
Father George Pap was homeless. He then had the idea of checking in at a place he detested, Spassky College, which was
situated opposite the Institute, and had Catholic Russian clergymen. Father Ramon Soares, an old friend had been placed in
charge of college day-to-day affairs by Dean Jacob Dubois. So when Father George met Father Ramon, he was greeted
with open arms. Father Ramon hoped that one day Father George would be the librarian at the college, so while he gave
our young father some work to do in the library, he also offered him a special assignment: to act as an interpreter for one of
the two Russian Orthodox priests who were completing their studies in Rome.

It was natural that under these circumstances Father George did not have much time to type his thesis. Father Jacob Dubois
had already restricted the time required for the thesis:

"It is not important that your thesis has scientific value; it is important that you get your piece of paper, your degree!"
These were not words of encouragement for someone who lived for his work. Father George had a year to complete his
thesis, and his problems increased as time passed. He needed a Greek typewriter, which he borrowed from Father Ramon.
But since Father Ramon also needed it, the typewriter was moved back and forth. A typewriter with Latin characters was
also required, having the same character type and size as the Greek typewriter. The dean had a thirty-year old machine, but
after sending it in twice for repairs, Father George looked for another machine. He eventually found a typewriter, old but
somewhat usable.

So with all these inconveniences, with his work at. the library, and his interpreting work, not much time was left to actually
work on his thesis. As time went by, Father George found himself becoming more and more irritable. And it was becoming
more and more apparent that Father Dubois was looking for an excuse to get rid of Father George:

"You were not present at our public speech evening!" he observed.

"I was present, but not in the Italian group where you searched for me. I was with the English group", was Father George's
reply. The dean had not realized that Father George knew English as well as several other languages.

"Last night you sat talking with your friend Soares nearly all night, thus keeping your neighbour awake", Father Dobois
tried again.

"I'm sorry but the poor person must be suffering from delusions. Last night I did not visit my friend at all - you may even
ask him, he will tell you the same."

"Fine, you're innocent this time, but I accuse you of something else: A few days ago, when I walked into your friend's
room and you were also present, why didn't you stand up and greet me?"

Father Dobois' attitude reminds us of the wolf in Aesop's fable of the wolf and the sheep.

After Christmas, Father George felt another surge of spiritual agitation inside him. For over two years he had been
corresponding with Mark Legran, a young member of the Jesuit Order, who was interested in the rapprochement of the
Orthodox only for his own personal spiritual needs. He asked George, in his first letter to George when he was twenty-one,
whether he should also adopt the Byzantine rituals. George replied, in all sincerity, that this step could lead to
schizophrenia. This was the first of many letters that they exchanged over the years. When Mark was serving in the
military. George sent him a cutting from a Parisian newspaper, of an article on the syntax of the young at Teize. The article
33
stated that the speakers seemed as if they were speaking gibberish, while the only speaker who seemed to be able to
communicate with the young was an Orthodox bishop.

Another time, Mark and Father George were discussing, through their letters, the state or quality of being improper. Mark
observed that the Orthodox countries had this inclination towards impropriety, but which does not deeply affect the church,
as it did the West. The "injuries" in the Western Church dates back to the Middle Ages, from when it broke away from the
Eastern Church.

It was truly disturbing to realize that all this had been written by a young Jesuit, so Father George showed the letter to a
friend at the Institute.

"Let me tell you, this boy will not remain with the Jesuits", was the comment.

In fact, as soon as the Christmas festivities finished, Father George learnt that the young man, who was neither "left-wing"
nor "right-wing", but was just searching for a balanced spirituality, left the order. His feelings for Orthodoxy and for Father
George were so intense that not one other person in the order came even close to these feelings, and he could have become
George's own "comrade in arms" in the order.

That day was one of the worst for Father George; he felt as if he had lost something very dear to him. It was fortunate that
the dean sent him to Belluno in Northern Italy, to perform the liturgy and also to preach. The invigorating cold air and the
fresh white snow relaxed Father George so much, he felt that Mark had not been lost completely.

When Father George returned to Rome, a letter from Mark Legran was waiting for him. In it, Mark related at length his
complete spiritual journey. His decision to become a member of the Jesuits Order was not voluntary - his parents and other
people near him had persuaded him to join. Therefore, he was always searching for his lost freedom. But the more liberated
he became, the more he lost his religious foundation. Even when he was writing this letter, he still could not say for certain
if he believed or not. But, he still felt that the Orthodox faith was the only form of Christianity that could reconcile
personal freedom and true religiousness.

Father George had read Mark's letter many times when the dean asked to see him. Father Dubois seemed nervous and his
appearance showed that he had something to hide. He sprouted out all the priest's misconducts: he was always last to
appear at mealtime (his room was the furtherest away), he used to sit late at night conversing with his friends (his only
consolation), he used to perform his services too slowly, and many more petty faults, which all finally lead to a final
demand: Father George was to follow the example of the other Jesuits who, in order to earn some money, used to perform
Latin services at a Roman Catholic monastery during their vacation.

Father George was seething with anger over the dean's petty reprimands, but he really blew-up when the demand was
presented to him. To add the "Filioque" (the affirmation that the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Son as well as from the
Father), which he felt was heretical, to the "πιστεύω..." ("I believe..."); to leave out the invocation of the Holy Spirit during
the consecration of the Holy Gifts on the altar and to which was given sanctification value; all of these would be
unacceptable by Orthodox theologians and by Father George himself. The only true link with Orthodoxy was the common
Byzantine form. If Father George began to apply the double-standard form practiced by his collegues, the so-called
spiritual bigamy, the extreme Latinization (which even the most Latinized Uniate in his home country would not dare
attempt), he would not be the same. He would lose his identity, his inner spirit. And this is exactly what Father Dubois
hoped to accomplish; to tear apart the personality of his subordinate.

Father George Pap spent several days thinking what he should do, and finally,- he reached his decision. There was no
longer any ties with the Jesuit Order; they had all been severed. The departure of Mark Legran was the final straw. He was
not willing to compromise any more, as Father Dubois would like him to. He therefore asked to break away and join a
Greek-disciplined diocese. He went to Munich to discuss his situation with a high-ranking Hungarian clergyman, an old
friend and an honest person. The clergyman tried to persuade Father George to remain in the order, without success.

Father George then travelled to Calabria to meet his future Greek-disciplined bishop, who spoke to him in great detail
concerning the replacement of all the Latin customs in the provinces with Byzantine customs. But Father George noticed
something strange - there was not a single Byzantine icon hanging in the large cathedral!

The day finally arrived when Father George had to present his thesis. The committee was comprised of the dean, Father
Machivelick and four other professors. Father George opened with a brief introduction, then the committee started asking
34
him questions concerning his thesis. The first professor seemed fair and logical, but the second professor, Father Pidacuda,
immediately attacked Father George, saying that the tone of his thesis indicated that he had declared war against the Latin
priests and customs.

"You complained about the Latinization of Crete in the 14th Century. Do you happen to know to which diocese Crete
belonged to in the first church?" asked Father Pidacuda.

"The rights and the historical claims do not shed much light on our queries", replied Father George. "We Hungarians, for
instance, have been arguing with the Rumanians for centuries, as to who first settled in Transylvania. What is important is
reality, not history; which nationality is now residing in the region is what counts."

A cousin of Father George's was in the audience, enthralled with what he was hearing. He ran out of the hall to call his
wife.

"Come and listen to the boy. We knew him as a quiet and reserved person, but he is now battling like a lion!"

The discussion on the thesis continued.

"Do you still contend that Maxim Chrysovergis was a Catholic   extremist?   I   don't   consider  his   views  extreme",
continued Father Pidacuda, without giving Father George an opportunity to answer.

"Excuse me for interrupting, but I cannot allow your comments to go unanswered. If you turn to page 54, note 2, you will
observe that Chrysovergis considered the Greek formula heretical, and this formula was later recognized by the Catholics
at the Synod held at Firenze. According to this formula, the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father through the Son.' Do you
accept this?"

Becoming confused like the student who had not done his homework, Father Pidacuda rambled on and on, without
answering any questions, and not allowing Father George to reply. Finally, the dean interrupted him to allow and the other
members of the committee to take part. But Father George felt that he had to interrupt:

"Since the accusations of Father Pidacuda, concerning the so-called fighting-tone' of my thesis, covers a wide spectrum, I
would like to give a general reply concerning my thesis. Please examine these four typewritten pages. These are the
observations of your illustrious predecessor, who as you all know is a wise and world-renowned expert on the Firenze
Synod, concerning my thesis. All the changes I made in my paper were based on these remarks. There is no mention in
these remarks concerning my 'fighting-tone.' And since my mentor is not here now, I would prefer it if we get on with the
job in hand and not waste time discussing how every critic sees the tone of my thesis. This is all I wanted to say".

When the presentation of his thesis was completed, all the members of the committee, except Father Pidacuda,
congratulated Father George. One member went on to make the following sly comment:

"There is a saying, concerning the professor that left the Institute and his successor, which states that it is better to have a
live jackass rather than a dead lion!"

With the presentation of his thesis over, Father George Pap travelled through Europe - Germany, Belgium, Holland,
France, Austria - looking for a job.

In Munich, he met an old Hungarian Jesuit friend, who was involved with young people. In front of other friends, the Jesuit
confessed that he had doubts about life after death, and had shared these doubts with his small congregation. Father George
had doubts about his friend so the next day he began to criticize the Roman Catholic Church and the Jesuits. His "faithless"
friend immediately began to defend the church and the Jesuit Order, while criticizing Father George. Coincidently, Father
George was reading about the fated person in Dostoyevsky's "Great Inquisition", who battled the ecclesiastical class
because he did not believe in the God of freedom. Father George praised God with all his heart because, while he was
thinking of leaving the order, this little Inquisitor" appeared in his path to show him clearly the ties of the Papal institution,
and consequently showed him God's road, the road to freedom.

While passing through Belgium, Father George took this opportunity and contacted Mark Legran. He felt very close to
Mark since that last letter. Mark seemed rejuvenated, happy, breezy, and was planning to get married. It was a joy to see
someone taking the path shown by God. Their friendship helped them to understand each other. Compared to his young
35
friend, Father George now felt alone and lacking in something. He had never thought about marriage until now. He was
sixteen when he had decided to become a celibate Catholic priest. Since entering the Jesuit Order, he had had no
psychological problems due to celibacy, but he was now planning to leave the order without knowing what he was going to
do next. He had chosen celibacy without knowing anything about life or about the love he was rejecting. Was his choice a
conscious and freely elected one or was it due to the result of alienation? Many Catholic priests were now leaving their
orders to get married. The members of his order did not look upon monkhood with enthusiasm. Only the love of God
which embraces the monks could replace the love from a marriage. But Father George was not a true monk - he was just a
celibate and lonely person thrown out into the streets of Europe to earn a living, and with little chances of success.

Arriving in Paris, Father George wanted to contact a famous Orthodox theologian, so he phoned him at home. His wife
answered.

"Hello, Madame! You don't know me, but I'm a priest and I would like to meet your husband'.

"Yes, father. Why don't you come over this afternoon at five?"

"Father!" George Pap did not feel that this was just a formal expression from the lips of this Orthodox woman. She said it
as if she really meant it. George knew that the Orthodox priests were truly the fathers of their parishes. They accepted
confessions from their parishioners the same way they accepted it from their own children.

Father George began to feel a new dimension for his priesthood. The Orthodox parishes were like large families. He had in
his possession a small metallic icon of the Virgin Mary, surrounded by the saints. The role of the mother was emphasized
here, shown by the affectionate manner in which she was holding the baby Jesus. This picture bears no resemblance to the
pale, girlish Catholic nuns who are usually depicted on the rocks at Lourdes.

Two different job opportunities were offered to Father George: to teach young children catechism in Vienna, with the
possibility of becoming a lecturer at the university, or to be the vicar at a convent in Comano in the Italian-speaking part of
Switzerland. He did not feel that living in a large city while having doubts about his feelings for the priesthood and
teaching Latin sermons which he did not believe in, would suit his character. He preferred his future to be in a monastery,
as his calling and nature had always been for a monastic life.

When he moved to Comano, Father George confided to a friend, who happened to be an Orthodox head priest, that he had
left the Jesuit Order, became a vicar in a Uniate parish, stayed in a Greek- disciplined monastery in Switzerland, and all out
of nostalgia for the Orthodox faith. The head priest replied that this was not the answer to George's dilemma. Father
George even wrote to his Serb friend, Father Serapion Savich, asking for advice.

"My dear Father George, there is no intermediate condition, just as there is no third gender in nature. The neuter form can
only be found in a technical world, such as grammar. The neuter gender is associated with what Gregory Palamas calls
"unrequited love". It is like purgatory, where one neither dies nor is resurrected. "Unrequited love" is a terrible definition,
but so true for historical movements who have their death sentence already embedded in the roots of their origin. Neither
history nor faith could never accept this intermediate condition. This applies especially to the Christian faith, which is far
too radical to accept this type of condition. There is no compromise between truth and heresy, and this is the fundamental
law of the Gospel", was the theologian's reply. And his letter continued:

"I believe that the substance is truly the "unrequited love". This reminds me of the condition of a sick man, which seems to
be and your condition, who is suffering without knowing the cause and is trying to persuade himself that his condition is
normal, even as his behaviour indicates his spiritual abnormalities and imbalances. I believe that a solution, both gradual
and collective, for these contemporary problems cannot be found. As for you, my dear friend, leaving the Jesuits and
becoming a vicar at a Uniate cathedral is not the solution - I know your convictions and your doubts.   To live and to
acknowledge "unrequited love" while at the same time wanting to taste "love" (Orthodox) is impossible.

One and only one solution exists: do a biblical "salto mortale" (leap of death) with the conviction and faith that the Lord
will help you take the necessary steps. I believe that one day you will also reach the same conclusions, as you will be
guided by your pure soul, which loathes lies and hypocrisies, and by the pain you feel, which is caused by the absence of
genuineness. On the other hand, you can't find purity where it does not exist; therefore, your pain will grow and grow, and
deliverance from this pain will become more difficult as time goes by.

36
And why all this? Why should you walk away from something that belongs to you? Why shouldn’t you go and find your
true spiritual shelter and the reward for your whole existence?  Please forgive me, Father George, for using harsh words,
but I can't hide the truth. ETERNITY IS NOT A GAME!"

This letter was the last drop in a completely filled glass.

"Deliverance will become more difficult as time goes by" -this is what Father George was frightened of. He finally
decided, without telling anyone (including Father Serapion), to embrace the Orthodox faith after three years. He needed
this time to prepare himself spiritually, and also not to break his promise given to his Uniate bishop.

CHAPTER 17. Researching the Fathers

Since the day of Pentecost in 1969, Father George Pap was in Comano in the Swiss canton of Tessino. He had finally
broken away from the Jesuits and was now a vicar at the convent of Saint Scholastic. It was difficult for him to adapt to the
quiet countrylife after years of stress and problems in the large cities of Europe, but he soon settled in. He felt isolated, as
the nuns of the convent showed absolutely no signs of their internal spiritual problems - it was as if they wore masks.

There was no spiritual contact between Father George and the nuns. Once a week, he used to travel to Lugano, the nearest
city, for a change of scenery. To relieve his boredom in the evenings, he used to read detective novels.

Was the life that he was now leading, far from the organization and restrictions of the Jesuit Order, just a way of satisfying
himself by trying out different temptations? Every week he used to roam around the streets and shops of Lugano, buying
whatever he had not been allowed to buy previously -things like decorations for his room and alcohol. But why was he
acting like this? He reflected for a while, until he finally realized that this behavior did not suit the indigent character of the
monk. He basically bought these items for his friends, so he could entertain them while they sat on comfortable armchairs
around his desk. Decorations and hospitality are earthly goods, which are able to serve a heavenly virtue, such as love. In
this way, the physical tangibles lead towards the spiritual tangibles, as is illustrated by the following example: One day,
Father George bought a very old Russian icon of the Madonna. He probably bought the icon more for the sake of his
spiritual consolation rather than to decorate his office.

At the beginning, Father George found it difficult to perform so many services each day, which was basically his mission
at the convent (he was performing only a few services each day when he was still with the Jesuits), but he soon got used to
it. The number of services each day and the number of holidays each year draws us into the secret life of the eternal God.
Therefore, these services soon became a part of Father George's personality, and through them he felt his joy going hand in
hand with his prayers.

The convent of Saint Scholastic was the site of a number of ecumenical meetings, white many different devout pilgrims
spent their holidays there, especially in the summer. One time, Father George met a Belgian, who had been a civilian
delegate at the 2nd Vatican Synod. He listened very carefully to Father George's views as he respected very much the
Orthodox thoughts that the father was trying to introduce him to. But he also realized that Father George was not a true
martyr in the cause of Orthodoxy.

Other pilgrims who came to the convent were a Serbian Orthodox priest-monk and a married clergyman, who had a
passionate interest in the peculiar theological doctrine of the late Father Serge Bulgacoff", the study of enlightenment".
They were followed by an Orthodox theologian who was not happy with his church, two other Rumanian Orthodox
theologians, and a young Rumanian theology student. This student seemed to have fascinating ideas and got on well with
Father George. "It's true that these emotional inclinations towards impropriety exists and with us Orthodox. However, the
crisis in the West is not just a plain and simple temptation from without; it is also the internal disintegration of
Catholicism", he said, talking to Father George. It was a pity that this bright young lad, who could have contributed so
much Rumanian theological insight, was killed in the large earthquake that hit Bucharest.

Another group of visitors arrived at the monastery in cars. Father George travelled with them, showing them the beautiful
natural scenery of the Alps and Northern Italy, which were almost at the doorstep of the convent. The Tessino region was
one of the most beautiful areas Feather George had ever seen. The sprouting greenery of the North intermingled with that
of the Mediterranean, with fir trees growing next to palm trees in the convent's garden. Most of the old houses in the region
were two-storied, with arches decorating the ground floor and balconies with colonnades on the first floor of each house,
where the housewives used to dry out their corn.

37
Lugano was situated in a small inlet of the lake, between two large hills. The lake was surrounded by hills and forests and
small picturesque fishing-towns, with paved streets built in the Middle Ages. Some old Romanesque churches could also
be found, having a similar architectural style with that of the Orthodox churches. Some of the wall-murals found inside
were well preserved. One of Father George's favourites was Torello, an old Romaic church, situated next to an old
monastery, both having been built around the 12th to 13th Century. It lay high on a hill overlooking Lugano, surrounded by
an endless valley and having a clear-blue spring running out of the ground. The cottage itself, having been deserted for
many years but still had a magnificent stairway in a reasonably good condition, reminded Father George of Mount Athos.
Some of the wall-murals were reasonably well preserved. An underground tunnel connected the monastery to the lake. The
forest that surrounded the buildings was Nature's way of offering seclusion to the monks.

When the nuns of Saint Scholastic first built the con vent, Torello was being sold. The possibility of them establishing
themselves in Torello was considered, which would have pleased the monks of Athos immensely, but was rejected for
materialistic reasons: extensive repairs were required, electricity and telephone lines had to be installed and the monastery
was too far from civilization - this indicates how the monks and the nuns conceptions have changed over the period of
time.

The three years that Father George remained in Comano benefitted htm, as he used the free time he had, which was
considerable, to study all the topics he had not learnt in Rome. He researched the various Orthodox writers, such as
Lossky, Blum, Meyendorf and others, who had been enriched by the data of ecclesiastical life which was supplied by the
experiences of the church fathers. This was the main reason why their books were filled with real life. This helped to
replace the emptiness Father George had felt by the absence, in the Catholic world, of the renaissance by the church
fathers. It was exactly these theological experiences that he wanted to learn and to study, and then to live them. But he also
had the urge and the ambition to look further into these sources. At the university in Rome, the lecturers never asked for
arguments or reasonings directly from the works of the church fathers. At the Institute for the Unionization of Christians,
the spiritual achievements of these church fathers, which were taught by an Orthodox lecturer at the Institute in all its glory
and respect for the "saints of saints", were taken very lightly by the Catholics, almost to the point of absurdity.

Hence, Father George began to study the church fathers at the pre-eminent school of theology. The library at the convent
had several volumes of the church fathers series "Sources Chretiennes", while the library at the old hieratical school in
Lugano had both the Greek and the Latin editions of Migne's Patrology. It is difficult to enumerate what he learnt from
each church father - for instance, from the teachings of Irenaeus of Lyon, he learnt about the Holy Eucharist being a
psychosomatic medication against attrition; and from Cyprian of Carthage, he learnt about harmonious or congruous
ecclesiology. He learnt about sin and deliverance from Saint Athanasius of Alexandria; the traditions and meanings of the
sacraments from Saint Basil of Caesarea; the correct Triadology and theology of the various feast-days from Saint Gregory
of Nazianzo; the transformation of the body with leather tunics from Saint Gregory of Nyssa; the free association between
man and the grace of God from Saint John of Kasos; the church fathers’ "agreement" from Saint Vincent of Lerins; the
fundamental beauty of human nature from Saint Maximilian the Confessor; the respect for the icons from Saint Theodore
the Studite; the affirmation that the Holy Spirit proceeds only from the Father from Patriarch Photius; the survival of
theology and other related subjects from Saint Simeon the New Theologos; the distinction of the inaccessible substance of
God by His undeveloped actions, which permeates and sanctifies the crowd from Saint Gregory Palamas; the eternal life,
which must start from this world, from Saint Nicholas Cavasilas.

The following fathers’ contributions should not be omitted: the works of the apostolic fathers; the two Cyrils from
Jerusalem and Alexandria; Saint John Chrysostom; John Damascene; the Fathers of the Wilderness; Isaac from Syros; and
John of the Sinai. The works of the church fathers deserve the highest esteem, as they're always relevant and it feels as if
they apply to us personally to such an extent, our contemporaries could not believe it.

Whatever Father George learnt at the Catholic Institutes was now left to sink into oblivion! The teachings of the Orthodox
Fathers, which were discovered only after he personally probed deeply into their works, slowly formed a dynamic
wholeness inside him. His index of the works of the church fathers filled 163 type-written pages, which he would use in all
his future publications. He even tried to give some lessons to the nuns of Saint Scholastic, without success. On many
occasions, Father George found himself having to explain to them that the liturgy is the sole sacrifice and the endless
sacrifice of Jesus Christ, who offered himself "for all and for everyone" and not just for the sake of one person or another.
In spite of this, the Mother Superior wrote to Patriarch Athenagoras, assuring him that the service performed that day was
"in honour of his Holiness". Unfortunately, a person usually preaches "and having ears, hear ye not" (Mark 8, 18). But we
cannot judge those poor people who cannot understand, because their willingness is equalled by their intelligence.

CHAPTER 18. Friendships

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Two women often used to visit the convent at Comano out of religious interest - they were Caroline Bauer from
Switzerland and Elizabeth Jenner from Germany. Caroline was a warm, open-hearted woman and related to a book-
publisher, which meant she was rich. She was also a benefactor of the convent, offering a considerable amount of money.
She used to visit the convent regularly as she had wanted to become a nun, but her family had stopped her. She lived in an
Orthodox parish in Zurich. She had once decided to join the Orthodox faith, but the parish priest persuaded her to change
her mind, promising her that he would give her holy communion if she remained Catholic.

As Caroline grew old, she wanted to withdraw to the convent. The Mother Superior refused, saying that the presence of the
elderly lady could cause problems in the convent.

The refusal was the beginning of the end for the convent, commented a friend of Caroline's. A Catholic priest had
previously exploited Caroline's ethical and religious character to help him establish another monastery. She tried to enter
and this monastery, but without success. Always being in two minds about everything, she could not choose between the
solitary life and the social life, between Orthodoxy and Catholicism. The will to reach a decision was lacking. She died
confused and poor.

Elizabeth Jenner had a completely different character. Coming from a noted family of politicians, she was more intelligent
and had a more decisive character than Caroline. In her youth, she had broken away from the Catholic Church, basically
reacting against the strict religious fanaticism and ritualism of her family and surroundings. The era of resistance against
the national socialists by the German Catholics was approaching. But as she was fond of saying:

"My best friends are the children of my friends". She always liked reactionary people.

After the war, being melancholy from her loneliness, through no fault of her own, being sick and being kept very busy in
the running of a magazine, Elizabeth turned to the Eastern Orthodox faith and it's wonderful world. She then said
decisively to herself:

"From now on, sadness will not be a part of my life". Even though she now spent her time informing the people on matters
concerning Eastern Orthodoxy, she herself felt disgusted by how this faith had been turned into a "mouldy science of
theology" by some people. Her form of theology was alive and animated, and incarnated in her prayers. She loved the
ancient churches, but she especially loved Nature, which to her was of divine creation. The regions of Tessino and
Northern Italy enchanted her, which was why she was attracted by a small island in the beautiful Lake Orta a few months
before she died. There was a small Romaic church on the island, which Elizabeth had last seen in her youth, which she
decided to repair without worrying about the cost. Following God and Nature, friendships was also very important to
Elizabeth, helping to fulfill her soul, and she refused to hide this fact.

"Oh, if you only knew how difficult it is for a priest to speak openly about the fascination of Orthodoxy", said Father
George, speaking confidentially to Elizabeth Jenner.

"But you don't have to hide your yearning to embrace the Orthodox faith with me", she replied with a conspiratorial smile.

This was then the start of their friendship. Sometimes, Elizabeth used to give Father George expensive gifts. They used to
spend hours together discussing their common problem - their conversion to Orthodoxy.

"Airtight doors and little green and red lights outside the confession booths of the Catholic Churches in my town are things
that I can't abide. I can't stand this religion anymore", she complained.

"Well then, become an Orthodox in the parish that you frequent. I will also be taking up the Orthodox faith very soon", was
Father George's reply.

"You are right, father. But how will I confront the Catholic nuns at the retreat where I'm staying? Nevertheless, a person
must be consistent with his convictions' till the end, so I will carry on".

Elizabeth showed that she had a strong character and deep religious convictions when she converted to Orthodoxy in 1971.
Her Catholic friends, instead of ostracizing her, became closer, which shows the power of grace.

During this period of time, many young people approached Father George for advice, and most of them befriended him.
One such person was a young high school student, who was Orthodox but had not been to any services, as there were no
39
Orthodox priests in Tessino. This region had only Uniate priests. This young student, together with another student, were
carrying out a research survey for a school project, on the different religions. Armed with a tape recorder, they visited a
Catholic priest and a Uniate priest, the latter being Father George, who would be able to give them details on the Orthodox
religion.

"Synodical formation? Well...maybe yes, maybe no. But the priest's celibacy must remain intact", stammered the former,
who was a naive and unsophisticated parish priest.

"In the East, the priests who came from the Apostolic Church were allowed to marry before being ordained, " said Father
George, speaking with ease. "Married clergymen, both Orthodox and Catholic, could really help the church and the people,
drawing from their family experiences. In this way, they become the true "fathers" to their congregations. Celibacy, in
itself, is neither the ideal nor practical. As for the 2nd Vatican Synod, this most important reform was not passed, as the
Pope, making use of his "paramount and complete power", again said no. Therefore, the Catholic Church is still living in
the age of absolute monarchy."

These answers by Father George were greeted with enthusiasm and applause by the school teacher and the students.

On another occasion, a young American, who was visiting the convent, became enthusiastic over the liturgy. Even though
he was Anglican, he was attracted by the Orthodox traditions and rituals, and he asked Father George if he could become a
Uniate.

"The regulations, after the 2nd Vatican Synod, decreed that if any Westerners converted to Catholicism, they would be
incorporated into the western-styled discipline", replied Father George.

Out of the question! Some day, I will become Orthodox".

"If you want to become Orthodox, why do you want to waste time by going through the Uniate Church?" asked Father
George, who seemed to be the right person to make the young American change his mind and not become a Uniate. But
why was he willing to compromise by becoming a Uniate? The answer lay in his family. He was being pressured by his
family to become a Uniate, and when he finally found the courage and strength to become an Orthodox in 1972 , he was
disowned.

The two of them became good friends, spending their time together visiting all the old churches. Even after the American
left, they kept in touch with each other for years.

This was now Father George's final year at the convent in Comano. The five nuns at the convent were having problems
with each other, the two eventually leaving. This was followed by the arrival of a mysterious Orthodox nun, who managed
to alienate the other nuns from Father George. The reason? Well, it could have been jealousy, as she took advantage of his
admiration for Orthodoxy and kept him occupied all day by asking him questions.

Some time later, the inmates of the convent all went to an ecumenical meeting. There, a Protestant woman, somewhat
flustered, described how she had "consummated" the Holy Eucharist to a dying woman.

"The subject in question is not whether we find your deed punishable or not, it is whether the sacrament that was
consummated was valid". In this manner, the Catholic priest evaded the question.

After this meeting, Father George expressed his objections to the nuns, concerning the priest's reply. This was indeed a
daring move by Father George, as the Mother Superior was a fervent feminist.

"You are just a theologian who deals in theoretical aspects and who ignores the practical aspects of life itself", shouted a
nun at him. This was followed by absolute silence. No one dared to refute this opinion. Since then, Father George seriously
thought about leaving the convent. But to go where? Foreigners could not earn a living in Tessino.

But the moment for his conversion to Orthodoxy was approaching. That summer, Elizabeth Jenner entered hospital for an
operation. Father George had no idea that she was then seriously ill. She sent him a letter which filled him with joy:

40
"I have placed the icon that you brought me from Greece above my head. My greatest moment in life, and which brought
me the greatest happiness of my life, was when 1 offered my soul to Christ. I am very happy that I am Orthodox, and I am
feeling at peace with myself"

This confessing of her faith to Father George filled him with joy, and he was able to say: "Lord, now lettest thou thy
servant depart in peace, according to thy word" (Luke 2, 29). After a week, Elizabeth died, leaving this world for another
more joyous one.

Father George spent hours thinking about the last few lines in Elizabeth's letter. Faith, as is the original sin, is contagious.
At Elizabeth's funeral, the funeral service emitted a son of peaceful familiarity and not the mourning state of desolation.

What we usually mourn when we lose someone is the friendship that we lose, a friendship that is both egotistical and
emotional. But something different, something very Christian seemed to unite everyone at the funeral service. Elizabeth
Jenner envisaged a spiritual and ultralogical world over and above what was fated to be. Her life and sole concern was the
glorification of the Church, which will live forever, as will her soul live forever in the hearts of her friends. The inscription
which was written, at her request, on the simple bare cross showed the true character of Elizabeth Jenner:

Ί came forth from the Father, and am come into the world: again, I leave the world, and go to the Father" (John 16, 28).

CHAPTER 19. Two journeys

One day in the spring of 1971, a taxi stopped outside a house in a suburb of Athens. Two men got out, one wearing a black
suit and a priest's collar, the other a young Orthodox priest-monk with the physical appearance of a patriarch. The latter
paid the taxi-fare, ignoring the objections of the former, who was Father George.

"We are now in Greece, and the people in the East are hospitable", commented his host, Father Serapion Savich.

Father Serapion took his role as tour-guide seriously. Father George found it difficult to keep up with him, as he felt that
his guide could easily show him four different monasteries in four different areas of the Attica region in one day. Even
though he complained about being tired, Father George realized that without Father Serapion, he would never have
discovered the small Byzantine and post-Byzantine churches hidden in little backstreets, each one having it's own history
depicted in the walt-murals. They also visited a new monastery with four churches dating back to the 17th Century. This
monastery was now the home of a brotherhood inspired by Serbian priest-monks - Father Serapion belonged to a close-
knitted group of pure Orthodox priest-monks.

But the time finally arrived when they disagreed. Father George was telling Father Serapion how a Serbian Orthodox
family used to attend the services at the monastery, and often used to receive holy communion.

"How could you do it?" asked Father Serapion. "Don’t you know that if you offer them Catholic holy communion, you
transform them into Roman Catholics?"

"I know it was illogical but what else could I do? Could I send them away as heretics, even though I knew they were not?
Also, there are no Orthodox priests in Tessino. At least, by being with me, they could find something similar to their own
rituals. I agree, it was inexcusable for me to offer them holy communion, but if I had not done it, the church would have
lost them".

They both agreed that Father George should not have given Catholic holy communion to the Orthodox family. This was
when Father George ascertained the characteristic intolerance of the Orthodox monks, who would rather envisage a new
reality than compromise with the status quo. He also realized that his conversion would also solve the problem with the
Serbian family who unknowingly became Uniates. He himself would bring them back to the Orthodox flock.

Father George was also introduced to a group of young theologians in Athens. They all prayed together in an apartment
filled with the fragrant smell of incense, then sat talking and analyzing and criticizing with whomever was available (eg.a
bishop).

"Well, now you can see how we Orthodox live?" commented Father Serapion with a smile.

41
On another occassion, they climbed a steep hill to meet Father Simon, who lived in the monastery at the top of the hill. The
famous venerable father told them that most of humanity had strayed but, thanks to "...the salt of the earth" (Matthew 5, 13)
or the righteous few, the human race will survive.

"Did you hear this? Father Simon is more of an optimist than you are", observed Father Serapion.

"It's easy for him to be optimistic as he hasn't lived nine years in Rome, as I have", replied Father George, as everyone
around them burst out laughing.

Finally, they went to the inauguration ceremony of the Inter-Orthodox Centre in Penteli, where two patriarchs held the
limelight. The archimandrite, who delivered the eulogy, used prophetic utterances:

"The Middle Ages was dominated by Catholicism, the recent years by Protestantism, and now the Orthodox are in a
position to inspire human history"

Later, Father George went on a pilgrimage to Saint Nectarios on the island of Aegina and to the Church of the Virgin Mary
on the island of Tinos. He was invited to say a few words to the students at the religious school in Tinos. This gave him the
opportunity to speak about his experiences in Hungary, and for the need of the church to remain neutral in political
upheavals

"Amen", replied the school principal, even though he was connected with the ecclesiastical group that supported the
dictator George Papadopoulos. While on the island, Father George discovered a small monastery which simply fascinated
him. Built amongst the palm trees on the banks of a stream, the small 18th Century church had two cells and a small secret
school nearby - all dating back to the Ottoman Empire.

Father George then toured Northern Greece, visiting the Meteora, comprising a series of monastic buildings in which lived
a dynamic group of young monks; various towns and cities with Byzantine churches; and finally, Thessaloniki. From there,
he went to Mount Athos, where he visited the various monasteries, meeting several modest monks, both modernists and
zealots, who would never have believed that the priest visiting them would one day be an Orthodox priest. At the convent
of Stavronikita, with it's many treasures and it's wonderful Nave adorned by Theophanes the Cretan, and where a group of
young monks had settled, Father George met the Father Superior. Speaking French, they spent hours discussing man's
problems. Looking at Father George with sympathy in his eyes, he commented that Father George did not look like the
"Italians".

"Yes", he answered, after being asked a specific question by Father George. "The Patriarch Athenagoras is Orthodox, but is
making some unacceptable things in the ecumenical relationships. This is why we have stopped commemorating him, and
this is why Mount Athos is reacting. Of course, his attitude is dictated somewhat by sentimentalism, and sentimentalism is
always superficial and elusive".

When Father George returned from Greece in the summer of 1971, he realized the truth behind these words. The nuns at
the convent at Comano liked him, but only superficially. They used to write poems about the icons he loved or about the
cats he used to feed! But there was now a barrier between them after his return from Greece, and he found the atmosphere
at the convent becoming unbearable. The nuns were not surprised when, one day, they saw him carrying a large trunk; he
was slowly packing his belongings.

Father George's parents loved to travel. When he was ordained in 1962, his mother managed, strangely enough, to get
permission from the Hungarian Authorities to travel to Rome.

Father George showed her sights of Rome. They seemed to get on very well with each other. When he was in Paris, both
his parents came to visit him, and problems soon developed between the three of them. His parents seemed driven by
something as they wanted to visit and see everything. In fact, they were capable of visiting three large cities in one day!
This urge to see everything is probably explained by the words of Saint Paul: they were people "even as others, who have
no hope" (I.Thessalonians 4, 13). Father George preferred a quiet and peaceful vacation, admiring churches and nature
alike. His mother, on the other hand, caused macabre scenes of affection or jealousy.

"I have really spoilt your mother, and this is why she's acting like this", confessed his father. It is difficult for three people
to live together, and this is why the mystery of the Holy Trinity is indeed a mystery.

42
When he had left the Order of the Jesuits, Father George had really felt what it meant to be free, and this feeling was
strengthened by the letters from Mark Legran. He then realized that his compliance had encouraged his mother's aggressive
reactions, and to placate her when they argued, he would pay her compliments and buy her gifts, such as roses. In this way,
peace would reign for awhile, but he considered these gestures acts of submission. But now that he had left the order, he
would not allow this state of affairs to continue.

Unfortunately, his father fell seriously ill in 1969, which meant he could not now force his mother to accept his freedom, as
this would now be an act of duress and not an act of liberation. But he did remind her that when he was in his teens, her
negative reactions had caused a backlash from him, which resulted in him joining the Jesuit Order. In 1971, he obtained an
Italian passport, and was preparing to return back to Hungary. But how could he combine freedom with kindness? He was
planning to stay in a hotel and not at his paternal home, as his family ties were becoming unbearable. But he sensed that
some changes were about to happen and he was proved right.

In September, his mother fell ill after a pulmonary embolism. Father George immediately send a telegram to a Uniate priest
friend of his, asking for details concerning his mother's illness. He felt a sense of optimism while he waited for an answer.
One evening, returning from a day-trip, he felt a premonition of bad news, which was noticed by his companions. When he
arrived home, he found a telegram saying that his mother’s condition had deteriorated. He immediately left for Rome,
picked up his visa for Hungary, and arrived in Budapest after two days.

The hospital in which his mother was undergoing treatment seemed to give off an air of atheism. This was enhanced by the
look of contempt a lady doctor gave Father George when she saw him hanging a crucifix near his mother's bed. There were
patients lying everywhere, while the nurses ran around, smoked, listened to music on their little transistor radios, and
generally not working too seriously. Talk about death with music! He was eventually allowed to see his mother only after
her illnesses started affecting her psychologically - she had suffered a stroke due to complications caused by cancer, which
no one had realized she had. Nevertheless, she still recognized her son.

"Can you pray?" he immediately asked her. She moved her head, while saying in a breathless voice: "I don't want to".

This reply, added to the atrocious environment, upset Father George very much, causing him to go and visit a vicar friend
at the Uniate Church.

The following day his mother felt more restless and wanted to sit up, so they sedated her. She went into a coma that
afternoon, basically being at her deathbed. The doctors did not give her more than twenty-four hours.

Father George sat with his father on a bench in the corridor outside his mother's room. He would not allow his father, who
was still seriously ill, to see his mother in the state that she was in. Suddenly, something inside him forced him to go inside
the room. Her mouth was open, and then it slowly closed. She had passed away.

At that moment, it was as if God had sent him. He placed his stole on his mother's head and read her the prayer of
forgiveness (absolution). He gazed at her lovingly. The woman who had given him life was now without life, and her
head... was in her son's arms, who was praying for the saviour of her soul.

Father George then remembered a letter that his mother had written to him, after reading Georgiou’s book. "From the
Twenty-Fifth Hour to Eternity", which he had translated.

"I made a comparison. The child that was jealous of his father because he was the 'father' of the whole village - as a priest -
well, this child is now me. I am jealous because you are not exclusively mine. And this is because I admire you. Some day
you will mediate for me in the final step towards God".

After her death, Father George brought his father back with him to Comano. They stayed there for about three months. His
father grieved throughout this period. Father George finally decided to leave the monastery. The nuns, for whom he had
untiringly performed the services and interpreted the theologies of the Church Fathers seemed apathetic as they waved their
handkerchiefs at him. There were no tears and no sorrow at his departure. It was a.s if he was just leaving for a few hours,
and not for good.

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 CHAPTER 20. A new beginning
In the summer of 1972, Father George began to collect all the relevant information required for his accession to the
Orthodox Church. His thoughts went directly to Cyril Dragomitrovich the priest-monk he had met in Rome, so he wrote to
him. Father Cyril was a fiery Orthodox priest, honest and direct, and completely dedicated to his church. He believed that it
was worth "saving" Father George, so he immediately began the initial steps to satisfying Father George's wishes in joining
the Orthodox Church. He arranged a meeting between an Orthodox bishop and Father George, he insured that the
conditions for the theological preparations were available, and he found a monastery in Serbia where Father George could
quietly wait for the big moment to arrive.

Soon after, Father George went to meet the bishop, as he knew that Father Cyril would accept no objections. Before
leaving Comano, he wrote a long letter to his friends, writing: "The faith which gives meaning to a Christian life can only
be found travelling on the path of honesty and authenticity. In truth, we must always be honest with ourselves. Deep down
in our soul, we feel that we have been created in the image of God, and from deep inside us rises the love and the obsession
that leads us to Him. For many years now, and without my realizing it, a strong force has pulled me towards the True faith,
which is Orthodoxy, and which is both human and holy, the Orthodox Church will answer any and all our requests, such
as: in our quest for life - because it seriously believes in the resurrection, which is empirically tested in this here life; in
freedom - because it recognizes the personality and the synodical plurality; and in love - because it does not emasculate the
soul. Reflecting back emotionally, I realize that divine providence guided me throughout the avenues of my life to lead me
to these discoveries. Orthodoxy opened up my eyes, to be able to interpret the gambols of the heart and the apprehensions
of the brain. Thus, I have reached an animated and alive theology, which is very rare for our times. An intellectual lady
once wrote to me, just before she died: "I am very happy that 1 am Orthodox, and I feel an endless peace". This endless
peace is what I also want to find. And I'm praying for the whole world".

With these thoughts, Father George informed all his friends of his entering the Orthodox Church. Towards the end of
August, he arrived at the monastery which Father Cyril had recommended, with one suitcase in his possession. He was
inside the chapel, where they were celebrating the Assumption of the Virgin Mary, when he was given a registered letter. It
was the reply from the Uniate bishop, under whose jurisdiction Father George served the past several years. The contents
were somewhat unpleasant and contradictory. The bishop stated that the Uniate bishops now acted autonomously, up to a
point, towards the Vatican. But at the same time, he asked if Father George had notified the Eastern Brotherhood, the
official Vatican Department which was responsible for such matters. This letter dampened Father George's disposition. He
left the chapel and strolled through the village. When he returned, he saw the others trying to kill a snake at the entrance of
the chapel. Evil had been conquered. Father George walked into the chapel, happy as a lark.

On September 2nd, 1972, at the age of forty, Father George Pap appeared in front of the Orthodox bishop and read, with
trembling hands, his petition to enter the Orthodox faith. He was accepted.

That same day, an Orthodox lady whispered to him:

"You'll see that the Orthodox are no better than the Catholics".

It could be true. It could be happening because the Orthodoxy had the talent of truthfulness but did not gain from it
(Matthew 25, 14-30). The Orthodox will probably be punished more than the Catholics on the day of Judgement. They will
probably be judged for their nationalism and for their barren ritualism and so on. They will probably be punished because
they disregarded the Grace which lived inside Orthodoxy, while the Catholics and the others will probably be saved
because they could not find Grace.

Certain people thought then that Father George was just "temporarily passing through" Orthodoxy, and that he had not
really converted. He had to fight many battles to prove otherwise, in the two years it took him to become a frocked priest-
monk. Many more words could be written in describing the years he spent in preparing for Orthodoxy. But the words of
Father Cyril Dragomitrovich eloquently express this discovery of living faith inside the despair and sorrow of this world,
with Orthodoxy acting as the humble witness to all this. When this man of God was asked by Father George to help him
convert to Orthodoxy, he replied:

"The cross of Orthodoxy is not light, but it will lead you to happiness and salvation".

44