Rumors
K (he) & C (she) have arrived for an anniversary party to find that their friend has
apparently shot himself. K tends to “Charley” in the bathroom while C waits frantically
in the living room for the Doctor to call back.
C
Oh my God
K
Did he call yet
C
Wouldn’t I have yelled up?
K
Call him again
C
I called him twice. They’re looking for him. How is he?
K
I’m not sure. He’s bleeding like crazy.
C
Oh my God
K
It’s all over the room. I don’t know why people decorate in white. If he doesn’t call in 2
minutes, call the hospital.
C
I’m going to have a cigarette, Ken
K
After 18 months, the hell you are. Hold onto yourself, will you
C
I can’t believe this is happening. PHONE Oh God. Ken the phone is ringing. Hello? Dr.
Dudley, I’m so glad it’s you. Your service said you were at the theater.
K
ENTERS Is that the doctor?
C
I never would have bothered you, but this is an emergency.
K
Is that the doctor?
C
I’m Chris Gorman. My husband Ken and I are good friends of Charlie Brocks
K
IS THAT THE DOCTOR???!
C
ITS THE DOCTOR! ITS THE DOCTOR!
K
Why didn’t you say so?
C
Dr. Dudley, I’m afraid there’s been an accident. I would have called my own doctor, but
my husband is a lawyer, and under the circumstances, he thought it better to have
Charlie’s own physician. Well, we just arrived here at Charlie’s house about ten minutes
ago, and as we were getting out of our car, we suddenly heard this enormous…
K
Don’t say anything
C
What?
K
Don’t tell him what happened
C Don’t tell him?
K
Just do what I say
C
What about Charley?
K
He’s all right. It’s just a powder burn. Don’t tell him about the gunshot.
C
But they got the doctor out of the theater.
K
Tell him he tripped down the stairs and banged his head. He’s all right
C
But what about the blood?
K
The bullet went through his earlobe. It’s nothing. I don’t want him to know
C
But I already said we were getting out of the car and we suddenly heard an enormous -
what? What did we hear?
K
We heard…
C
Just a minute doctor.
K
We heard, we heard, we heard… an enormous thud
C
Thud?
K
When he tripped down the stairs.
C
Good. Good. That’s good. Dr. Dudley? I’m sorry. I was talking to my husband. Well, we
heard this enormous thud! It seemed Charley tripped going up the stairs.
K
Down. Down the stairs.
C
Down the stairs. But he’s all right.
K
He’s sitting up in bed. Hell call him in the morning.
C
He’s sitting up in bed. He’ll call him in the morning.
K
You
C
You! He’ll call you in the morning.
K
You’re very sorry you disturbed him
C
I’m very sorry I disturbed you
K
But he’s really fine
C
But he’s really fine
K
Thank you. Goodbye
C
Where are you going?
K
HIM! HIM! Thank him and say goodbye.
C
Oh. Thank you and goodbye, doctor. What? Just a minute… Any dizziness?
K
No. No dizziness
C
No. No dizziness, what? Can he move him limbs?
K
Yes. He can move everything. Get off the phone.
C
They got him out of Phantom of the Opera. Yes, he can move everything…What? Any
slurring of the speech?
K
NO! NO SLURRING OF THE SPEECH!
C
Don’t yell at me. He’ll hear it. No, no slurring of the speech
K
I’ve got to get back to Charley. EXIT
C
Any what? Any ringing of the ears?
K
I don’t believe this. No. Tell him no.
C
Yes. A little ringing in the ears.
K
I told you to say no
C
It sounds more believable to have ringing
K
Jesus
C
Who? His Wife? Yes, Myra’s here.
K
ENTERS She’s not here. Don’t tell him she’s here. He’ll want to speak to her
C
Dr. Dudley? My mistake. She’s not here. I thought she was but she wasn’t
K
She just stepped out. She’ll be back in a minute. EXIT
C
She just stepped back. She’ll be out in a minute. Yes, I’ll tell her to call. Okay, thank
you Dr. Diddley…Dudley. Enjoy the show. Ken and I saw it, we loved it. Especially the
second act. Who’s playing the Phantom tonight?
K
ENTER Are you going to review the whole goddam show? EXIT
C
Oh, Charlie’s calling me. Just a minute, Charley. He sounds a lot better. I have to go. Yes
doctor I will. Don’t you ever do that to me again. He must suspect something. I didn’t
get his name right once.
K
If anyone calls again, down answer it
C
Then why did you tell me to answer that one?
K
Because I thought the bullet went through his head, not his earlobe. Fix me a double
vodka, I let Charley standing in the shower. EXIT
C
If he drowns, you’re making the call. I don’t know why we’re the first ones here. Never
came late once in our lives. Someone else could have dealt with all this. DOORBELL Oh
shit. Shit, shit, shit.
K
Who’s that? Who is that?
C
Am I near the door? Do you see people in here? You think I’m on roller-skates?
K
Let me think a minute
C
Take your time because I don’t answer doors. I speak only to Dr. Dudley.
K
All right. It’s got to be Lenny or Earnie, one of the others. We’ve got to open the door.
C
You’ve got arms, reach down.
K
I’ve got to dry Charley off and bandage his ear. Don’t tell them what happened. I need a
few minutes to figure this out. Can you stall them?
C
His best friends are coming to his 10th anniversary, his wife isn’t here, he shoots himself
in the earlobe and I’m supposed to make small talk when they come in?
K
Attempted suicide is a criminal offense, not to mention a pretty ugly scandal. Charlie’s
Deputy Mayor of New York. He’s my client and my best friend, I’ve got to protect him,
don’t I? Just play the hostess for a few more minutes until I figure out how to handle this.
C
Play the hostess? There’s no food out there’s no ice in the bucket. Where’s the help?
Where’s the cheese dip? Where’s Myra? What am I supposed to do until you get back,
play charades? I’m lucky I can still speak English.
K
You’re a lawyer yourself, can’t you figure out something to say?
C
Contracts. I draw up legal publishing contracts. If someone walks in the door and wants
to make a deal, I can handle that.
K
Take it easy. Calm down. I’ll be right back.
C
Put some slippers on Charley and tell him to answer it.
K
Would you relax? Drink my vodka
Why is vodka better than two puffs of a cigarette?
K
Because they know you quit and if they see smoke in here, they’ll know something is
wrong.
C
You mean falling at their feet is going to look better?
