Republic of the Philippines

ILOCOS SUR POLYTECHNIC STATE COLLEGE

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY

My name is Judy Mae U. Riconose and I was born on the 07th of October, 2002
in Tagudin, Ilocos Sur. My parents were Victor and Miriam Riconose. My father is
already deceased so basically; my mother is now a single mom. My father died when I
was in my 6th grade and that is because of sudden heart attacked. My mother was in
another country that time because she is an OFW.

My early childhood is kinda fun but traumatic at the same time. My dad worked
as a tricycle driver and that's the only source of income we had. My mom decided to
work abroad when I was in my 3rd grade so I had to transfer in Tagudin since we were
at Vigan that time. My mother's sister in Tagudin was the one who took care of me while
my two brothers and my father were at Vigan. When I was in my 4th and 5th grade my
mom said that I needed to go back at Vigan because my dad was not doing well that
time. During those times I witnessed how he cheated on my mom, but decided not to tell
anyone or even my mom because I don't her to be depressed and she might do
something that is not appropriate. Not until she went back here in the Philippines, I told
her about what I've witnessed. I've heard how they fought and scream to each other. It's
not easy witnessing how they argue and hurting each other through words. I witnessed
how mom cried at late night. My dad asked for forgiveness and beg for a fourth chance
and mom accepted him again. I experienced sexual abused with my uncle, he's my
dad's sibling, when I was in my 4th grade. My dad proves himself to us that he is a
changed person already but sadly he passed away when I was in 2nd Grading of my
6th Grade. I needed to transfer and continue my study at Tagudin again because my
mom needed to go back at abroad because my two brothers is in college that time.

My teenage years are the most challenging and crucial part of my life. In my
whole Junior High journey, I studied at Doña Juana Chioco National High School that
was in Lupao, Nueva Ecija. In my 7th Grade I spend most of time in my study,
maintaining my rank in the class. I pressured myself too much because I always think
that I'm not doing enough. My auntie blamed me for my father's death and that's the
moment when I used to blame myself in every dark moment in my life even though I
know that it's not my fault. I'm not mentally stable and no one knows how I used to hurt
myself three times a month, no one noticed it in my whole Junior High. No one dare
asked how my life is, not even my brothers. My mom and my brothers will just call if it's
about money or their personal needs, there's no other than that. It's kinda hard for me
because at the age of 12 I needed to deal with my own problems, I have no one to tell
because the last time I shared my problems with our neighbors in Nueva Ecija, which is
our cousin, my auntie scolds me for that and from that I'm scared to share my problems
to anyone because I feel like I'm burden to them or someone will scold me for that and I
felt guilty for sharing it. I hurt myself 20-25 times a year, it's my coping mechanism. It's
not something I'm proud of but it's my own way to reduce the pain because I have no
one to tell.

Senior High days really challenged my mental health. My mom stayed for good
and we are on the same roof with my brothers. It felt awkward to be on the same roof
with them since I was separated with them 4 years. It's hard dealing with them seriously.
My mom and my brothers used to argue all the time, and whenever I wanted to open my
problems they refused to listened and that's when I build my wall with the people around
me. I transferred here at Ilocos Sur Polytechnic State College-Tagudin Campus. It was
fun at my first time, I've shown my kindness to everyone, and slowly shown my
personality and be comfortable with them but turns out they were backstabbing me.
With those moments I tried to cover the real me and isolated myself to other people. I
only have one, two or three people that I can 'friend' and they were the one that I can
rely on. They open their problems to me, how they were suffering at home and I tried to
go to their house to check them, especially at this pandemic. There were times when
my mom's hurting me, physically and emotionally then my friend is crying because of
her parents. Instead of dealing with my problems, I tried to comfort them and make
them feel safe with me even though I don't feel safe in my own. I wanted to open with
them, I'm sure they also want to listen, but I'm afraid or more like I felt guilty because I
feel like if they will found out what my problems or what I'm dealing, they will not be
going to open their problems to me anymore and I don't want them to feel guilty for
telling their problems to me. I don't want to be add a burden to them so I deal it with my
own. I still have suicidal thoughts during my 11th and 12th Grade it's always my coping
mechanism. There were times when I'm emotionally numb and the only thing to feel
something is to hurt myself physically. I want to feel the pain; I want to cry to but even
my tear doesn’t want to come out. There were times when I stare at the fast cars
passing by and I start to think that 'What if I'll color/paint this road with my own blood?'
and I slowly walk towards the road but mom called me. That was when I realized that I
nearly give up my life and let the demon eat me.

The world is cruel but please don't let them eat the whole 'you'. Don't give up and
make the most memorable moments in your life. If everyone doubts you, you have
yourself who trusts you. It's you versus the world, and you should prove that you can
and you will make it until the end. Don't let the demon win. If the world is cruel to you, be
kind to everyone because they were also challenged by the demon, don't add to their
burden anymore, instead love them and show that you care. Be gentle to yourself and
don't let anyone make you feel less worth it. You're enough, and you deserve more.