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MAD Calculated Tales To Drive You MAD 023

MAD Calculated tales to drive you MAD 023

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Ronald David Fisher
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146 views31 pages

MAD Calculated Tales To Drive You MAD 023

MAD Calculated tales to drive you MAD 023

Uploaded by

Ronald David Fisher
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF or read online on Scribd
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A TALES CALCULATED TO DRIVE YOU THINK Sa SC Lk LL ONESTIWORPUNCH Gy nr Sesriem tars. E = S(Gubai 3 STORIES OF PEOPLE SEEKING HEALTH AND STORIES OF PEOPLE SEARCHING FOR PEACE. HAPPINESS THROUGH THE GRIM BUT STIRRING OF MIND THROUGH THE MODERN SCIENCE WORLD OF REAL MEDICINE / OF PSYCHOANALYSIS ! FLOORS FOR TAKA OY VON? WIETSSTANOL IF YOU'D LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO EITHER OR BOTH OF THE ABOVE MAGAZINES...OR TO ANY OTHER OF E.C.'S "NEW DIRECTION” MAGAZINES... FILL OUT THE COUPON BELOW, EN- CLOSE #100 FOR EACH SUBSCRIPTION, AND MAIL TO... ENTERTAINING COMICS PLEASE SEND ME EIGHT ISSUES OF THE *NEW DIRECTION" : ROOM 706 MAGALINE(S) L HAVE CHECKED. I ENCLOSE ONE DOLLAR 5 225 LAFAYETTE STREET (41,00) FOR EACH SUBSCRIPTION. BONLY.C. 12, NY. . NAME : £0 M.D. 1 PSYCHOANALYSIS aces 5D impact O ACES HIGH cry zone : earn EE ene = © VALOR © PANIC STATE : 4 O EXTRA D PIRACY C WEIRD SCIENCE -FANTASY Nene nee eee e ence eee nee nen ene een ene n seen nenennennene Yad, Mar, 1950 2; Roja Sepia Mom, bRtornonal Coole, toe ot 3s, tagarte St. Nowy York JB. N.Y. Willan M. Gaiam ‘a eaona. fo Pot 1 Lathes A earberae ar ta Gooprsnies Tots by Tiasetlon coombanle mp Tsme komma barn. any of the ‘beating ‘wich any of those living Of Goad te baemed” a purey comaltenta very very very very very very important announcement in the back of the book! =.BY SOME MAGIC, SOME- ... AMOUSE WITH PANTS, THAT CONSIDER HOW HE'D HAVE TO NDS CIN THE INTERESTS OF — SKITTER AROUND THE HOUSE INSIDE. THE WALLS AND LIKE THAT.. CONSIDER, IF YOU WILL, THE IDEA OF TAKING AREGULAR HOW MAKING HIM ACT Al DRESS LIKE A MOUSE ! NATURAL-BORN MAN AND... Os AND CONSIDER A MAN WHO ..OR HOW'S ABOUT A MAN ACT- ...OR HOW'S ABOUT A MAN ACT- OR HOW'S ABOUT A MAN iS ACTING LIKE A DUCK WITH [NG LIKE A RABBIT, SNIFFLING ING LIKE A HOUND-D06 SCRAKH- ACTING LIKE A KANGAROO... QUACKING INSTEAD OF TALKING! ‘ROUND THE CABBAGE PATCH! ING FLEAS WITH HIS FOOT! — WITH MAYBE A POUCH OR MAYBE. A'POSSUM WITH THE CHILDREN HANGING ON wcTHEN WHAT ABOUT IF HE LIKE BABY ‘POSSUMS.... OR SUPPOSEN A MAN ACTED LIKE A SKUNK...COM- ACTED LIKE AN ALLIGATOR ‘SWIMMING AROUND A SWAMP, nt PLETE WITH ARMAMENT if COULD GET PRETTY DOPEY.... LIKE A MAN ACTING LIKE AN APE! ee ws WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR STORY... | NEWSPAPER CARTOON DEPT. : THE FOLLOWING TYPE OF STORY IS THE [GND WHERE THEY DON'T MAKE MEN ACT UNE AMMMALS... THEY MAKE THE ANIMALS ACT panies MEN! NOW WHY IN THE HECK IT'S THE THING TO MAKE ANIMALS ACT LIKE MEN... AND IT AIN'T NEVER THE FASHION TOMAKE MEW ACT LE ANIMALS. BEATS US... ANYHOW., Bu STAY HELP! HELP! CANNIBALS] BY JING! HERE COME ut OL GOPO GOSSUM BACK FROM HiS TRIP! (\" CONSORT "5 ea “WHERE. IN THIS IS WHERE THERE'S | MO" THIS FELLA NAMED "CON" WHO LOOKED KINDS TIN-CANS AN? UP IN THE AIR AN? SORT OUT THESE CANS WITH THIS HERE MACHINE IM] ASKED "WHo saw THE CALLED A CON SORT, A__FLYIN? SAUCER?" WHY JUST LOOK AT THIS MESSY OL” PLACE! LOOK AT 1 BEEN THINKING... HOW COME OUR COUSINS 15 LIVIN? IN ‘SPENSIVE PENT-HOUSES WHILE WE LIVIN? IN A FLEA-BITTEN ‘SWAMP?... HOW COME THEY GOT AUTO-MOBILES WHILE PUNS! PUNS! PUNS! Poss TO CONSORT THA'S ALL I HEAR ROUN’ THIS SWAMP 1S PUNS! HOW IN ean cerms THE EVER-LOVIN! WORLD YOU EXPECT TO HIT THE BIG-TIME JUST SETTIN? ROUND MAKING PUNS! (MEANS A CERTAIN TPE oF sworo) WITH OUR BIG ~ city COUSINSS. POLITICS AN’ PARTIES? WHy MAN! WE BEEN FOOLIN? ROUN? WITH POLITICS: AN? POLITICAL PARTIES FOR THE. LONGEST TIME! ANIMALS COMIN’ THROUGH THE SWAMP ALL THE TIME FOOLIN’ ROUN? WITH POLITICS! oat, PLATITUDES! PLATI- TUDES! we seen Pay. IN? "ROUND THE PEA- PATCH... WHEN IT'S HIGH-TIME WE GONE INSIDE! WE GOT TO FOOL WITH REAL f POUTICS LIKE THE DIXON- YATES CONTRAC' LEASTWAYS, WE AIN’ BIG-TIME UKE OUR BI6-CITY COUSINS! so I.UP AN’ ASKED ‘EM HOW WE KIN GIT POPULAR TOO, AN’ THEY TOL? ME “WE GOT LEARN POLITICS AN’ JOIN PARTIES”! FYEAH! HOW “BOUT THEM ON? HAVE BEEN KEEPIN’ s TO GO LOOKIN W My EYEBALLS J. BALONEY |S Rie PEELED! WE GOT, VES? A LOT OF 0O% , MALARKEY. = HE AIN'T NO BALONEY! ~ HE REAL NAME: THAT OL? WILDCAT HANGIN? OUT ‘ROUND] HERE... BY JING... YOU uw ‘burt your RIGHT, OPO! \ Ho ven, bwale? iS [NOW HOL? ON EVERYBODY AFORE YOU GO _A-HOOTIN’ AND A- HOLLERIN’ IT UP, J BEEN GIVIN’ CAREFUL CONSIDERATION TO THIS WHOLE PROBLEM SINCE I BEEN LOOKIN’ COURSE THEY DON'T! THAT'S CAUSE 1’M AUGLY OL? WILDCAT! OH WHY COULDN’TA 08 WHY COULDN’ x EVEN have SOME RESPECTABLE O10" (ENGLISN LETTERING LE YOUS J a 3 wa AN? IT’S ALL VERY CLEAR TO ME THAT THE COCTRINE OF. STATES RIGHT EXPLAINS THIS WHOLE BLAMED THING! AS ANY FOOL CAN SEE, THE STATE LIKE THE INDIVIDUAL RESERVES SOVEREIGNTY, AND ACTING CUTE, YOU SNEAK, ACROSS YOUR SENILE IDEAS... BUNCH OF SOLID- SOUTH DEMOCRATS! SEWILE DEMOCRATS! 7... AN’ OL' CORKY PORCUPINE IS WATERHOLE NEHRU! |AJFAULT! IT's ‘A WONDER BETTER WAY CAN ANYBODY YOU BECOME POPULAR \CAN UNDER- THEN BY GOING TO | STAND Him rE PARTIES AND DOING | WHEN HE AN SUCCESSFUL LIKE YOU IF WE LEARNED Dear Editors: The plans illustrated in MAD #19 for a veeblefetzer are very interesting. But one thing puzzles me. Does the veeblefetzer described really fetz veebles?— Willie Stein—(no address given) Your furshlugginer magazine is the best for do: it-yourself articles. The one on the veebleletzer was top-drawer material. As I was looking through an old Erector Set the other day, I found an old left-handed veebletetzer. The only trouble was that the throttle arm was caked with Mahtosh. Do you think that I could clean it with some good-old Grocket Farsmellnik?— Jules Fisher—Norristown, Pa. ~My mom's fine.—Ed—(no address given) If you take the chronological corresponding nu- mercial value of Potrzebie with A equal to 1, B to 2, C to 3, etc,, Potrzebie adds up to 116. And if you sub: tract 9, which is the number of lettars in Potrzebie, you get 107. This is how many times I've kicked mysell for reading your furshlugginer magazine—MAD Mathe- matics Major of Farshimmelt Tech Referring to the #19 issue, the Puzzle Pages, best send your procireader back to Buster Brown comics because in “What's Wrong With This Picture #19," it is the 126th and 127th that is two-headed.—Vermine P. Sneaker—Vladivostock, Siberia—P. S. Got my latest ieaue ripped to shreads in its "strong manila envelope What ever happened to the strong manila en- velopes” MAD used to come in. They now come in weak manila envelopes.—Vic Schwartz—New York, N.Y My upper plate nearly fell out when I glommed that in issue #19, you had Einstein's equation written osm = ae7 Fitst of all, it is not Einstein's equation, rather it is @ consequence of the Lorentz Translormation. However, Einstein used this value for in the equation E = mc’, which leads me to my second point. The correct equation should read m T—W7eIVR Thirdly, this equation makes absolutely no reference to increase or decrease of size.—Jack Richlin—Purdue VU. Ind In matters not conducive to modern expotential hieroglyphics, one would necessarily, if he be in a circumspective frame of transcendental rationality, find it irrevocable that one, through pertinacity, ought to have the accendancy to imbibe knowledge in order to attain the sapience abrogated by such a status. If this ix punctilious, such an enlity would be abrogated and therefore could not exist. But due to man’s lack of per- ception in these impending phenomena, we can per- ceive that the direct resultant is a fortuitous happening, stemming directly from the determinant. The ineptitude of the Homo-Sapien to contest such a pussiant force, as is the matter of such a hyperphysical power that is directly corelated to clairvoyance and metaphysics.can a be expressed in the formula: E+ ONE MEATBALL —Charles Schramm—Long Island and not the way you printed it jue #19, | gather ce-horse is only allowed Never let yourself come to the point that you feel your “new-trend” comics have had no effects on the American scene. Several of my fellow students here at the University of Kentucky have been requested by their English instructors to write themes on two sub- jects: Horror mags in general and MAD in particular. Don't give up the ghost —Bill Tully—Lexington, Ky. In your attempt to satirize the Super Market, T think you have done the industry an injustice. I do not find the experience of your character, Mr. Sturdley, in SUPERMARKET, (MAD #19) really funny, because it does not reflect the truth. Let me give you a few facts. The Super Market started to serve the American public at the beginning of the depression when pennies meant s0 much to the average family. The Super Market opened up in old barns, in abandoned factories and garages, and gave our hard-pressed American people an opportunity to save in those days anywhere from 20% to 30% on their food. In the intervening years, the Super Market continued to grow. The old barns in which they originally opened up with shabby Sxtures and barn-like atmosphere, soon disappeared. Super Market operators gave Mrs. Consumer beautiful mar- kets, shopping conveniences, a tremendous assortment of foods at the lowest possible price. They catered to her every postible whim and wish and looked out for her wellare by making the market a wonderful place for her to buy, while actually saving on her food dol- lars. Mrs. Consumer liked these markets so much that she kept coming in more frequently and in greater number. Today there are something like 341,000 retail food stores in America. There are only about 18,000 Super Markets in the United States. Representing about 5% of all the retail food stores, these Super Markets, now serve America with over 50% of its foods. And in serving America with its foods, the Super Market is, saving the consuming public at least 10% on her food dollar purchases. Not alone that, but the Super Markets maintain competition to the lowest price level. Each year, Mrs. Consumer saves approximately 2 billion or more dollars on her food bill which she uses to buy other necessities. So you can see the Super Market is rendering @ very definite and distinct service to the American public. The imagination used in your comic strip conveys the impression to your readers that the Super Market should be the last place that one should patronize. And you end up by having your hero go back to Mr. Furd's grocery store where the customer can “squeeze the rolls to see if they're fresh.” What you are asking is that they go back, virtually, to the gaslight era. Ido not mean that the corner grocer has no place in food retailing; but if he has not emulated the Super Market in introducing the new efficiencies and economies that have developed, he is not render- ing a service to the public. We believe you have been unlair to a great industry which has served the public well, and it would be only just to present the Super Market to your readers in the proper light—M. M. Zimmerman, publisher Super Market Merchandising— New York, N.Y. Write us more. We're lonely. No more subscriptions though. For explanation, turn to last page for vital message. Our address, as ever, is: MAD Editors Dept. 23, Room 706 225 Lafayette Street New York 12, N.Y. (GLICHE DEPT.: SAY... YOU KNOW HOW IN MOVIES, TV, ETC., YOU GET TO SEEING THI OVER AGAIN... AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU WISH THEY DID SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR SCENES WE'D.. FORINSTANCE, TAKE PEOPLE KISSING/..DID YOU EVER SEE PEOPLE WHO | WERE KISSINGZ.I MEAN | REAL NECKING KISSING? AFTER REAL NECKING: KISSING, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST BEEN HIT IN | THE MOUTH WITHA | ROTTEN TomaTO! BUT | OO THEY SHOW IT THAT | WAY_IN MOVIES? NEVER! | WHAT THEY DO 1s THEY | | HAVE THIS GORGEOUS | BLONDE, PERFECT IN EVERY | DETAIL, AND... WELL, ON THIS HALF OF THE PAGE. IS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE KISSING SCENE... iE SAME IDEA... THE SAME SCENE... OVER AND A CHANGE? THAT'S THIS FEATURE! FIRST SO THEY RE... ..-AND HERE'S THE KISSING- SCENE THE WAY WE'D & LIKE TO RASH YOUNG SCHVEINHUNT! DON'T YOU KNOW I’M THE BEST SWORDSMAN q IN EUROPE? [THEN HOW'S ABOUT THE FENCING - SCENE!...HERE'S THIS DIRTY-RAT COUNT... OR DUKE....OR WICKED UNCLE MAYBE, IN THE OLD- EN DAYS, WHO WINS THROUGH THE WHOLE PICTURE! BUT IN THE END THE. HERO ESCAPES FROM THE DUN- GEON AND FREES THE PEASANTS WHO STORM THE THE BAD SOLDIERS! MEANWHILE. THE HERO CLIMBS THROUGH THE _ | WINDOW TO RESCUE THE | GIRL, AGORGEOUS BLONDE, WHERE HE COMES FACE | To FACE WiTH THE BAD Guy IN A ROOM WITH PLENTY OF STEPS AND. STUFF TO DUEL AROUND ON! SO HERE GOES THE FENCING - SCENE... CASTLE AND OVERPOWER, sas WHAT A DIRTY FigHTER! NO TRIPPING IS ALLOWED IN FENCING! THAN MINE! a N MINE! ay TOGETHER, TELL. -) ME, WHAT'S: YOUR NAME® Pick UP Your SWORD! WAY WE'D LIKE TO OW ) ~..WHAT A DIRTY Ti < FisHTER! NO Teach \ TRIPPING 1S RASH YOUNG SCHVEINHUNT/ DON'T YOU KNOW TM od THE BEST SWORDSMAN ig mq IN EUROPE? 9g WHAT A NO- GOOPNICK ! SEE HOW HIS ‘SWORD IS_A FOOT LONGER THAN MINE! a THEN HOW'S ABOUT THE ‘SURROUNDED: FORT SCENE! WERE'S THiS FORT, SEET SURROUNDED BY INDIANS, | SEF HORRIBLE, NAUSEATING | INDIANS! INSIPE ARE THE COURAGEOUS SETTLERS AND | A GORGEOUS BLONDE COLONEL'S DAUGHTER... SEE: TIME AND TIME AGAIN, MESSENGERS HAVE TRIED JO GET THROUGH TO THE ARNY GARRISON FOR HELP AND HAVE FAILED! FINALLY, THE HERO, LANCE STERLING | TAKES A CRACK AT IT! WILL HE OO ITZ WILL HE | GET THROUGH WILL HE REACH THE ARMY... ARE YOu MOONE? OF COURSE HE | WILL! ANYHOW... HERE'S THE | WAY THE SURROUNDED- FORT SCENE GOES... BAYONETS: JARE BROKEN AND UNLESS WE UNEIX THE FIXED AND FIX ‘EM. WELL BE IN WE'VE WORN ) YOu KNOW... | |... 7MAT CLOUO OF DUST! JOUR FISTS /IM BEGINNING | |... THOSE THUDERING HOOF- jour! onty | TO THINK |BEATS!.. THAT BODY OF HE'LL NEVER MAKE IT! HELL NEVER MAKE IT! THE INJUNS A |COMING CLOSER AND THERE GOES JOUR LAST BULLET! CLIMB INTO HIS SADDLE AND HELL NEVER MAKE IT! hi Bs BG: i ¥ |HORSEMEN IN THE DIS~ WON'T GET TANCE !.. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS Z| WHATS JOUR, NAME? os THE cavatry! J LANCE STERLING GOT THROUGH ! CLIMB INTO HIS SADDLE AND ¢ HELL NEVER } MAKE IT! THE SURROUN- DED- FORT | SCENE THE =» THAT CLOUD OF DusT! THOSE THUNDERING HOOF- BEATS!.. HAT BODY OF HORSEMEN IN THE DIS- TANCE... YOU KNOW WHAT TWAT MEANT? -- LANCE STERLING ‘GOT THROUGH ! LANCE STERLING! ARE YOU SURE THE PLANE WILL MEET US? UH-OH!T PERCEIVE A GUARD STROLLING IN OUR, DIRECTION!...OR TO PUT IT SIMPLY... CHICKEE ! «s.NEXT, HOW'S ABOUT. THE | ESCAPE-FROM- THE-NAZIS. | SCENE!.. YOU KNOW!, THISOSS. | AGENT PARACHUTES INTO | FRANCE!... CONTACTS FRENCH UNDERGROUND AGENT, A GORGEOUS BRUNETTE / wuTHEY GOT THIS HERE OLD NUCLEAR PHYSICIST THEY VE 6OT TO SMUGGLE OUT 50'S THE NAZIS WON'T LEARN THE SECRET OF THE ATOM BOMB AND WIN WAR BEFORE WE DO! FOLLOW? SO THIS SCENE IS CLIMAX WHERE BRITISH PLANE IS LANDING IN SECRET COW- PASTURE AND 0.55. MAN, NUCLEAR PHYSICIST, AND GORSEOUS BRUNETTE SQUCOSH TO MEET IT. THE ESCAPE-FROM- THE IT HAS ALL BEEN CAREFULLY USE A SPECIAL ‘COMMANDO TACTIC! VICTIM INSTANTLY! NAZIS SCENE! JUH -OH! CHICKEE AGAIN / THIS TIME TWO GUARDS NEAR WHERE PLANE'S GOTTA LAND! HERE GOES ANOTHER, COMMANDO TACTIC! UH-OH / STANDING RIGHT WHERE THE PLANE HAS TO LAND... THREE NAZI GuaRDS ! THROUGH THE WHOLE PICTURE! WE DON'T SEE A SINGLE. NAZI GUARD! NOW JUST BECAUSE THE PICTURE'S ENDING, THEY'RE ALL OVER! lUH-OH/ THERE IN THE SHADOWS | IZ THINK I SEE MORE GuaRDs! Quick, PROFESSOR... GET ON THE PLANE WHILE I DO JA COMMANDO TACTIC! Oops! SURE IS DARK! QUICK, PROFESSOR ! THERE'S JUST THE RIGHT TIMING FOR YOu TO GET INTO THE PLANE AND FOR US TO HOLD OFF THE nazis! THERE HE GOES/... IT'S TAKEN MONTHS TO GET THE PROFESSOR OUT BUT HE'S SAFE NOW AND OUR SIDE WILL WIN THE WAR / AND NOW THAT L THINK BACK TO THE MANY MONTHS YOU WERE BY THE SIDE OF ME AND THE PROFESSOR, I CAN JONLY ASK YOU ONE THING, DARLING... WHAT'S. HIS NAME = ‘Au REVOIR! DON'T CALL ME! TLL UH-OH! I PERCEIVE A GUARD STROLLING IN OUR DIRECTION!... OR TO PUT IT SIMPLY... CHICKEE! LANCE STERLING! ARE \. | YOU SURE THE PLANE WIL MEET US? victim —_) MosT instantiy!//imPoRT- ANT! SCENE THE WAY WE'D LIKE TO | SEE iT! UH-OH/ STANDING RIGHT WHERE THE PLANE HAS TO LAND... THREE NAZI GuarDs ! THROUGH THE WHOLE PICTURE WE DON'T SEE A SINGLE NAZI GUARD! NOW JUST BECAUSE THE PICTURE'S ENDING, THEY'RE ALL OVER! JUH-OH! CHICKEE AGAIN / THIS TIME TWO GUARDS NEAR WHERE PLANE'S GOTTA LAND! HERE GOES ANOTHER COMMANDO TACTIC! p= pane! )aias In \ TANG! ‘A SPECIAL } TIMING! WAY... THE 4 GUARDS DIE FROM LAUGHING! 50 COULD 1 HELP IT IF my WATCH WAS SLOW? OoPs! SuRE IS DARK! QUICK, PROFESSOR! THERE'S JUST THE RIGHT TING FOR YOU TO GET INTO THE PLANE. AND FOR US TO HOLD OFF THE Nazis! ‘AU REVOIR! WAL con'r cate Py Me! TLL CALL YOu! LANCE STERLING, YOUVE way waITz HE J {sturin Foo! \.. SNOOPED A LITTLE 100 KNOWS OUR A |ScHVEINHUNT! FAR! NOW YOU'RE HIDEOUT! IT's | [WANNA PIN A GONNA GET IT! ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THAT LISTEN!... MAYBE YOU | AIN'T SEEN ANY OF WHAT | WE'RE TALKING ABouT! | ... BUT THIS NEXT SCENE, | We GUARANTEE!... HOW'S ABOUT THE SCENE ALWAYS ‘AT THE END OF THE DETECTIVE PICTURE, WHERE IS CAUGHT BY THE BAD GUYS! SO _NOW THEY'RE GETTING READY TO BUMP Him OFF! YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE MAIN CROOK IS... YOU_ DON'T KNOW THE MOTIVES... THEY'RE GETTING READY TO BUMP HIM OFF! NATURALLY... THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS... IN THE ABOUT 1) ...OU WON'T LIVE O TELL THE }O.K,, YOU TWO! MARCH OuT- > POLICE ANYHOW / BEFORE YOU KILL US, TELL ‘ME. JUST ONE THING!... WH! J ee e “| m2 iy Z& | FOR YOU SEE, THESE GEMS WERE IN REALITY THE CROWN JEWELS OF THE | SMALL BALTIC KINGDOM OF GOOM - THAT'S WAY OUR BOSS 1S AFTER, JGOOMBAHVIA! FOR WITH GOOMBNH- /MUCH!,.HE WAS AN INNOCENT POST- J OFFICE CLERK WHO ACCIDENTALLY IN- | SPECTED A PACKAGE CONTAINING A KEY TOA LOCKER IN GRAND CENTRAL STATION! TH LOCKER CONTAINED A YOU WHO THE 16 BOSS 15! mH NOTZ... EVEN THOUGH YOURE TAKING /SHORT- HAND NOTES, YOU WON'T LIVE TO TELL THE POLICE ANYHOW! YES YOU GUESSED IT...THE BI | BOSS 1S GEORG! MALENKOV! BEFORE YOU KILL US, LET ME MAKE ONE LAST IMPORT- ANT FINAL REQUEST OF YOU. ONE LAST REQUEST I WANT TO MAKE... THAT REQUEST WHICH 1S... DON'TS HAVE A {LIVE TO TELL cnicieTe ) THE POLICE ANYHOW! NOW TO TAKE CARE OF THE Hey! You SPIT THAT 0 GANG, BUSTER! WAD OF GUM INTC MY GUN- HAMMER: WELL, DARLING, THE FBZ, HAS ROUNDED UP THE WHOLE GANG AND THE U.N. } 'S SAVED! IT'S BEEN A “f TRYING DAY AND NOW THAT IT'S ALL OVER, || HERE'S THE "| ABOUT- TO BUMP- HIM-, OFF SCENE THE WAY WE'D LIKE OH WAIT arr! Just LET ME GIVE A FEW MORE CHEWS ) REALLY INTO THIS NUT-/ GONNA... jal x 7 fn ic LANCE STERLING, YOU'VE SNOOPED A LITTLE TOO FAR! NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT! TO SEE IT! & THEN HERE'S THAT FEATURE YOU ALL KNOW AND LOYE,,.BUT IF YOU THINK IT'S INTERESTING NOW,,.YOU SHOULDVE SEEN IT IN THE OLD DAYS! YOU OLD-TIMERS KNOW WHAT WE MEAN, REMEMBER WHEN THEY FIRST STARTED PRINTING ITZ, MEMBER, You OLD-TIMERS2, IT WAS REAL QUEER, REAL WEIRD. REAL ECHAHHL,. YOU KNOW..L KE PEOPLE WHO REAP MAD, YOU BUSTED- COWN OLD-TIMERS YOU2,.OF COURSE, WERE TALKING ABOLT GUNG GOHOME, Hindu Ascetic, WALKED IN THE HOT SUN with 50 sharp spear- like pins embedded in his flesh — to make pennance— to punish self — but mainly to help wife who was sewing new veil and needed pin-cushion ! SACRED SOUTH AMERICAN INDIAN SYMBOL, WHEN GAZED UPON, CAUSES DEATH WITHIN THE YEAR! Too bad if You looked, “MEMBER MAN IN THE WoRLD— GALUSHA STURDLEY Of Poontang, 0, is the tallest man in the world. Note size of hand. Figure on left is not en but his father, Zane Sturdley ) ie GALUSHA IS HANO FATHER ZANE IS STANDING UPON / wn 'MEMBER 7 HAHZ... 'MEMBER THE WAY HE'D SHOW A GUY WHO COULD STICK HIS ELBOW IN HIS EART...OR THE bY WHO HANGS BY HIS EYEBALLS?...OR THE GUY WHO COULD STICK HIS ELBOW IN HIS EYEBALLS WHILE HANGING BY HIS EAR? BUT MAINLY HE'O DIG UP THESE UNBELIEVABLE FACTS YOU'D NEVER GELIEVE IN A MILLION YEARS ... FULLY AUTHENTICATED, FULLY DOCUMENTED, AND APPROVED BY PARENTS MAGAZINE... LIKE FORINSTANCE... Rieups — Believe /tor Don't! JosePn STALIN Ki WAS BORN IN THE BRONX! HE WORKED HIS WAY THROUGH COLLEGE SELLING MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS, AND THEN WENT WEST TO BE A COWBOY BEFORE HE CROSSED THE OCEAN AND BECAME DICTATOR OF RUSSIA! ; A comet is headin “a DIRECTLY TOWARDS EARTH, 7 and is due to smash it Tt actually into oblivion in APRIL, 1955! _tises-but 4, In such a (j * way as to \ a create an YS CY ps ee illusion of vg) \ 4 WL) falling. For fa ry ( 4 years, ( joneymooners | J , have believed ee\ that Niagara . Falls is FIRE R . = falling / 15 A LIQUIO! PANNA — 2 ss MEMBER... MEANWHILE, RIPUP IS FOR MANY YEARS, GONE FROM ‘SOMEHOW... SOMEWHERE. , SOMETIME... SOMEHOW... SOMEWHERE, .IT (S OIFFERENT/. BUT SOMEHOW, IT'S NOT THE SAME!. BUT THAT WAS YEARS AGO, AS YOU OLD- TIMERS... YOU BUSTED: DOWN RACKETTY OLD-TIMERS... REMEMBER / THE SCENE!” NEVERTHELESS," BELIEVE IT OR DON'T" CONTINUES... THE EUCHHH IS GONE!.. YOU SEE... EUCHHH HAS BEEN REPLACED BY YECHHH!... LIKE FORINSTANCE... Rievr's—- Believe Jt or Don't / RENFREW ZETS FELL FROM A 50 STORY WINDOW- AND LIVED! Fortunately, there was a fire escape outside the window. HE ALWAYS READS SIDEWAYS! Eddie Ptung reads his Chinese language newspaper up and down instead of ~_left_ to right! SERUTAN spelled backwards is NATURES CALF BORN WITH LETTER ‘O'! A calf owned by Elmer Smurd was born with the Us ‘Q'on its side — if might have beena Se oF it could even e 4 face — then again it could be a | iN f- crooked egg — re ILLUSION sent in by Robert Hall JACKET SEEMS TO TURN INSIDE-OUT, YET STAYS OUTSIDE-IN AND VISA - versa! (And why not? It's a reversible!) Lt hae AR Ae OR Megat Uae Sel a Sa WAS NOT AVERSE TO TAKING OFF HER SHOES TO WALK BAREFOOT, BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO KEEP HER FEET IN THE DIRT Ree Re mae ee hod cee a Ao Ava tag ee eg PRODUCED BY JACK DAVIS MY NAME IS HARRY DRAWERS!...I/M STANDING IN THE ) THEY'RE BURYING THE BAREFOOT NOCOUNTESSA! /f] Y RAIN INA CEMETERY IN ITALY... MY HEART FILLED jj DEAD, YOU KNOW!... THATS THE WAY THIS PICTURE 7 Wf) WITH GRIEF! YES FILLED WITH GRIEF AND DESPAIR STARTS...WITH ONLY THE SOUND OF THE RAIN AND y THE SOUND OF MY NARRATING VOICE FLOATING IN AIR! 4 “\ EY & a Geos So Seem BY GEORGE...1 DRVING A [fr was with coward Kizxs PRO- |, NUTS HERE TRYING TO FIGURE A] Y/) DUCER...AND OSCAR BUFFOON, PUB- ij OUT WHERE YOICE FLOATING IN /] Jf HER DANCE!..WE HEARD SHE COULD fF] [7 uicTy MAN!TWAS A WASHED- UP AIR 1S COMING FROM ! Hf CUT A MEAN RUSSIAN KAZOTSKA! f, DIRECTOR CI LIKED 10 BE CLEAN)! 7 KIRKS, USED TO HAVING HIS WAY, SENT THE WAITER TO ‘SHE HAD SPUNK! PRIDE! INVEPENDENCE! .. BUT MAINLY. ORDER THE 'BAREFOOT’ TO COME FROM HER DRESSING ROOM | | WHY SHE WOULDNIT COME WAS SHE WASN'T AROUND TABLE, WOULDN THAT DRY! SO KIRKS SENT ME TO FETCH HER FROM HOME... AQUANNT SPANISH APT. IN A PICTURESQUE SPANISH SETTING! ] THE QUAINT SHRIEKING OF HER EVER-LOVING PEASANT IT WAS THEN I KNEW AND UNDERSTOOD WHY SHE FAMILY REACHED ME AS THE DOOR OPENED! SHE WALKED BAREFOOT... THAT THIS PEASANT LIFE. WAS A ‘STOOD THERE, AND AS I GAZED UPON HER BEAUTY, I PART OF HER... AND IT WAS HERE THAT HER HEART WAS STRUCK DUMB. YES/_.BY A WHIZZING BAG OF GARBAGE! SHE SPOKE . a 5 YOU MEAN YOU'LL GO WOW...1O KIRKST WHAT IT MEANT THAT HER ARMS WERE ABOUT MY NECK, THAT HER. BODY WAS PRESSED CLOSE TO MINE AND THAT HER HEAD LEANED ON MY SHOULDER WAS HER FEET HURT AND I HADUA CARRY HER PIGGY-BACK! NZ DY) Vj cone uni He 'BaReroor'THROUSH 7} y BiG STAR! Yj, EDWARD KIRKS, BECAME A TH «EDWARD KIRKS GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO HIM! HE. ‘THEY WERE EACH ARGUING THEIR PROFOUNDEST WAS ARGUING WITH MILLIONAIRE SOUTH-AMERICAN PLAY- PHILOSOPHIES... SUBTLE...BUT NEVERTHELESS SIG- BOY, ALBERTO BANANO! HOWEVER, NEITHER OF THEM, NIFICANT..» BELIEVED IN PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.CRLY BRAIN- WASHING! | Jsaton os yy BS: "] — Sp cl z "2 My FATHER CAN BEAT UP YOUR FATHER! casMlY FATHER’S Y ... MY FATHER'S. RICHER THAN YOUR FATHER! Po.aRs! WHATEVER YOU SAY YOUR FATHER HAS, MY FATHER HAS DOUBLE! WEL y FATHER'S A POLICEMAN! SENOR ALBERTO BANANO TURNED ANGRILY ON HIS. HEEL AND LEFT! AND WE...BUFFOON, ‘BAREFOOT’ AND MYSELF... LEFT WITH HIM!... WE WERE NO LONGER AFRAID O} Fy) wu MY FATHER Y Has A BILLION ) HAS A TRILLION MY FATHER MY FATHER HAS Y so MY FATHER R QUINTHLION HAS A DOLLARS! YES,..WE LEFT BECAUSE WE SUDDENLY REALIZED MONEY WASN'T EVERYTHING!... WE SUDDENLY SAW EDWARD KIRKS: FOR WHAT HE WAS/...WE SUDDENLY PERCENED THE I ‘TRUTH OF THE MATTER...A POLICEMAN 4S BETTER! Zag BUT IT PUZZLED ME... WHY THE HOWEVER DESPITE HER RICHES... BUT I COULD SEE SHE WAS REST- | BAREFOOT NOCOUNTESSA NEVER (| |/) SHE REMAINED SIMPLE AT HEART iM) If LESS...UNABLE TO SIT STIL! THINK if [| ALWAYS KEEPING A SILVER DISH OF { DIRT NEAR TO PUT HER FEET IN! KEEPING FEET IN Dik i ACTUALLY SHE WAS EVER SEEKING A PRINCE-CHARMING- THE ‘BAREFOOT! WAS DANCING IN A FIELD AMID A BUNCH WHO WAS ALSO HONEST, SIMPLE, BASIC, DOWN - TO- OF HONEST, SIMPLE, BASIC, DOWN-TO-EARTH LOUSY PEASANT EARTH BUT MAINLY FILTHY-RICH! AND ONE DAY HE 'SKUNK-FARMER GYPSIES! THE COUNT STOPPED THE CAR OBEY- CAME ALONG... COUNT VINCENZO-TORLATO-PIZZARIA! ING A MYSTERIOUS INEXPLIGABLE FORCE, NAMELY HER SHAPE! AND THE MOMENT THEIR EYES MET AND HE COULD ONLY SEE. THE JOU WILL SEE A STRANGER ACROSS THEY KNEW THEY WERE MEANT SIDE OF ONE EYE... YOU KNOW HOW A CROWDED ROOM...THEN FLY TO HER FOR EACH OTHER... EVEN THOUGH IT 15... HOW SOME ENCHANTED ‘SIDE, AND MAKE HER YOUR OWN. .AEY! SHE COULD ONLY SEE ONE EYE! EVENING; YOU WILL SEE A STRANGER. WAIT A MINUTE! WRONG STORY! ‘STRANGE, THE WORKINGS OF FATE, TAKING TWO PEOPLE YES..STRANGE, HOW OF ALL THE MEN IN THIS WORLD, ‘A THOUSAND MILES APART AND BRINGING THEIR PATHS ‘SHE CAME STRAIGHT TO HIM LIKE AN IKON FILING: TOGETHER WITH AN INVISIBLE, YET IRRESISTIBLE FORCE CFe)!... STRAIGHT TO COUNT VINCENZO TORLATO- PIZZE~ LIKE THE ATTRACTION OF A’ MAGNET! RIA YOU SAY. NAAH|/. STRAIGHT TO MELVIN COZNOWSK!! a se oy" HOWEVER, EVENTUALLY SHE CAME BUT, LIKE WITH ALL THE OTHER MEN YES... HE SHOT THE 'BAREFOOT/” TO COUNT VINCENZO- TORLATO - IN HER LIFE, TROUBLE AROSE... PROBABLY IN A FIT OF JEALOUSY! TO COUNT HIS MONEY NAMELY HE KILLED HER! THIS: s-- AH THE BURIAL IS OVER! THERE'S TIME HER TROUBLE LOOKED SERIOUS!|| | THE COUNT NOW,. LISTEN, HARRY DRAWERS... I BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR NARRATION FLOATING IN THE AIR THERE ... 7 : i Nees i Mla fh NY YOU THINK SHE HAD TROUBLE WITH THE MEN IN HER HOHO... SO THAT'S WHY. LIFE BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY?... YOU THINK L SHOT EVERYBODY WAS HOLDING HER BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY? WELL YOU'RE WRONG HANDKERCHIEFS TO THEIR WRONG WRONG! EVERYTHING WAS WONDERFUL! NOSES/... AND I THOUGHT, EVERYTHING WAS FINE... UNTIL SHE TOOK OFF HER. f THEY WERE CRYING / ‘SHOES!... I COULDN'T STAND IT WHENEVER. SHE TOOK OFF HER FURSHLUGINNER SHOES! ...FOR 4 ws. WHY DIONIT ia NOTICE AN INDELICATE AROMA... WHY ELSEZ ‘SINUS TROUBLE! Es

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