Welcome To Dystopian Y.A. Fantasy!

Welcome, welcome! I see you are the latest reader down here. I’m surprised, I
thought the golden age of literature cynics went down after the Hunger Games. Well, let
me show you around. I’m the protagonist! My name is Katfish Enderbean, and this is my
brother Prim Genderbend Enderbean. Yeah, these are pretty common names where
you live too, I bet. How I wish I was named Sally. That sounds so… exotic. This is
Dystopian Y.A. Fantasy… the low budget version. We have a lot of magic, death, and
fancy technology here, that is 100% beneficial, original, and definitely not cringy
content. And I happen to be the main character.
Anyways, we have time to kill, just like the Daimons (who ARE NOT DEMONS,
they just act identical to them) tortured, cursed, and killed my family (except my great
grandfather. He died of pneumonia). My dead (don’t forget the ‘dead’ please, it’s
important to me) mother’s name, Solanum Tuberosum, is very pretty- something in
Latin. Now that I think about it, my neighbor’s called something in Latin too…and my
dead uncle.. And my dead great-aunt… Moving on to my living acquaintances…
actually, I only have one, meet my childhood friend, Amicus Zona Not-Gale. Everyone
keeps saying he’s in love with me. They’re so silly! He hasn’t done anything to show he
has a crush on me. I mean, he kissed me and asked me to run away with him, but AS
FRIENDS DO. I mean, I’m not that likable! My traumatic, dark, mysterious, evil-filled
backstory and bad girl demeanor could only repel. Because I’m not like other girls...I’m
HALF DAIMON. Could you see that coming? I doubt it. The Author made sure to be
VERY creative, or his book won’t sell- OH!
I just remembered! I forgot to tell you- I’m the chosen one. Interpret that as you
wish. But you see, I’m not like the other protagonists who were chosen ones- That
Katniss girl’s title was a BIRD HYBRID! I’m not connected to any animals.... Oh right,
the demon thing.... a-and Todd Hewitt just HAPPENED to be young and good with a
knife! Like, I’M almost an adult. I’m 16! 2 more years! And, I mean, weapons?
Seriously? Like- PRIM G., HANDS OFF MY DAGGER SET OR I’M CALLING AMICUS
AND HE WILL BRING THE ARROWS…. Oh. B-BUT Percy Jackson? I mean, please.
Godly powers that do dangerous things? No realistic human would EVER- wait a
minute.

Daimon powers.

Uh, how about we move on to the next topic?

Everyone’s jealous of me, but when I stare at them with my dark eyes shining like that
one refrigerator in the doctor’s office waiting room, they feel my power and fall silent.
This is how my day goes:

6:30 A.M.: Brush my dark, straight silky hair while poisonous gas bombs fall outside.
7:00 A.M. : Brush my perfect, shiny white teeth while I mull over my traumatic backstory.
7:30 A.M. :Splash water on my face stylishly while I plot my gory revenge.
(Unfortunately, no epic soundtrack was available- just like we’re not free from royalty,
we don’t have royalty-free music.)
8:00 A.M. : Throw daggers with notes of war on them out of the window as a symbol of
rebellion, while I cook souffle using something I found in the high tech trash can in front
of the government building.
8:30 A.M. : Meet Amicus. We flirt nonstop. As good friends do! NO QUESTIONS. (His
nose has too many blackheads anyway, take care of your SKIN, kid!)
9:00 A.M. : Go to Chosen One Council. Best part of the day- the latest horrible
development in my life story is always a fun surprise!

I’ll stop there, because around then on a sunny September morning (They would
have done it 4 months ago, but the aesthetic wasn’t right), I got the important message
about my IQ (My Important Quest- my genius level was predetermined). I am to start
today! I packed a fragile wooden memento of our family, a $100,000 piece of jewelry my
mum told me never to lose the day before she died, and a skincare set. I was going to
pack food and water but I realized it would be better to only pack the necessaries, so I
left the sandwiches and water at home. I have to be a good example for the children
reading this! Survival skills are important, and so is an impossible beauty standard.
As someone who is totally not going to rashly start an open rebellion against a
titanic government who clearly has the upper hand, then miraculously win, I follow the
government rules. I wear a tracker bracelet (for my own safety), I’m not allowed to talk
to anyone who isn’t a government official (it’s good company), and, of course, I’m not
allowed to fall in love with the dashing player bad boy warrior daimon I'm supposed to
be murdering. But why would I do that? It’s not like I’m some kind of Mary Sue with an
enemies-to-lovers storyline predetermined for me, giving teenagers unrealistic
expectations for romance! Ahahaha. Ahaha. Ha…
Anyway, off I go on my trip. Since you’re vip, I’ll tell you the plot twists nobody will
be expecting, like, at ALL. SO, the government is evil, and President Mayor Overlord
Emperor Commander Snowflake is trying to kill me. Apparently he’s going to employ
some random quirky and different psychologically damaging warfare, but I shouldn’t be
too worried. A few heart-to-hearts with a sprinkling of love confessions in the middle of a
major battle should give me strength. If I make sure to mention my dead family and not
needing a man to save me, I can always be sure of my boyfriend coming to the rescue
when I need him. Like, the enemy has bombs, but I have a SUPERNATURAL LOVE
INTEREST. SO I’m obviously going to win!
Even through my flawless good looks and shiny black bad girl leather jacket, It’s
such a shock when the person you vowed to murder is actually trying to murder YOU! I
mean, you would think that the criminal would sit properly in his gold and platinum AI
house, not retaliate like a stupid little terrorist dictator. It’s not like every single trilogy
has the same plot involving a scary government official. This is the first book in a FOUR
book series! Yeah, and turns out Amicus likes me. Too bad for him, I mean, I do love
him, but given the option between gorgeous human and gorgeous daimon, I find
humans too mainstream. Oops, did I just reveal something? Yep, me and the demon
are gonna get together in the second to last chapter. Now you HAVE to buy the sequel.
CHEW ON THAT, CHEAP SHIPPERS!
In all forms, the author has been so careful not to rip off of any one book. He’s an
honest person! Not a rash copycat. No, like the gentleman he is, he rips off all of them.
Such a role model, right? I’m supposed to be a model girl for teenagers. I teach them
all the things you have to have to be valid: Shiny hair, 3 (no more, no less, and every
one 6 feet tall minimum) boyfriends on the string, a skinny body, and knowledge in
every sport that involves fancy pants and gloves with spikes on them. I gave up
swimming because the caps were DISGUSTING, and if I didn’t almost drown, none of
the guys would rescue me! As to knowledge, you have to be a genius sometimes, but
stupid enough to look naive. And don’t get me started on my EPIC skincare routine. And
my eyeliner? Amazing. The cuter I look, the more powers I have, so I recommend that
you, the reader, start looking into how much you resemble me. If you don’t, well…

Buy the sequel? 50% off? Aisle 5 in Duane Reade?

...No?

Well, I must be off on my traumatizing, legendary, 100% NOT predictable and

gory quest. On the way, I’ll find out I’m the Jayingmock, Dagger of Always Letting Go,
Diversion, daughter and heir of Larry Dotter (King of Barnia) and probably the Demon
Warrior Goddess Angel Princess. I’ll teach the readers all the important things you need
in life, like epic style choices, perfect looks, lots of love interests, and a small sprinkling
of independence (unless your boyfriend says they’ll save you, then under no
circumstances.). I’ll act just like a girl should (The Author made sure to include that
valuable lesson for his wife), and do everything just as a truly heroic, no-nonsense,
100% independent and not like other girls protagonist .
Just watch and see- this book will be the best ever!

(In your nearest Duane Reade)