An Introduction to Emotion Coaching

The common notion that “children are our future” puts a lot of pressure on
parents to do their best with their kids, but unfortunately buying a veritable
library of parenting books is often not the best idea. Many books on parenting
seem to take a great deal of “evidence” from popular myths, common
misconceptions, and personal anecdotes. Recognizing the limitations of this
narrow perspective, Dr. John Gottman undertook a variety of scientific studies,
which led him to the conclusion that the key to good parenting lies in
understanding the emotional source of problematic behavior.

There are four identified “types” of parents that reflect stereotypes often
learned as children:

 The Dismissing Parent disengages, ridicules, or curbs all negative

emotions, feels uncertainty and fears feeling out of control, uses
distraction techniques, feels that emotions are toxic or unhealthy, uses
the passage of time as a cure-all replacement for problem-solving.
Effects: Children learn that there is something wrong with them, cannot
regulate their emotions, feel that what they are feeling is not
appropriate, not right, and abnormal.

 The Disapproving Parent is similar to the dismissing parent but more

negative, judgmental and critical, controlling, manipulative,
authoritative, overly concerned with discipline, and strangely
unconcerned with the meaning of a child’s emotional expression.
Effects: Similar to dismissing parenting techniques.

 The Laissez-Faire Parent (is endlessly permissive, offers little to no

guidance about problem-solving or understanding emotions, does not
set any limits on behavior, encourages “riding out” of emotions until
they are out of the way and out of sight).
Effects: Kids can’t concentrate, can’t get along with others, or form
friendships, can’t regulate their emotions in a healthy way.

The fourth and last “type” of parent identified by Dr. Gottman is not a common
stereotype, perhaps because it isn’t negative, or because when we were kids,
playing with Tommy and Phoebe on the playground, they didn’t really
understand what made their parents so “good.” This “good” parent is  The
Emotion Coach. When you look back on memories of your own childhood, you
may recognize that some of the strategies below were used by your parents
when you felt the closest to them, that they could really relate to you, and
when you were truly understood.

The five essential steps of Emotion Coaching :

 Be aware of your child’s emotion

 Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for
intimacy and teaching
 Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
 Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
 Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal
with upsetting situations appropriately

Your child’s mastery of understanding and regulating their emotions will help
them to succeed in life in a myriad of different ways. They will be more self-
confident, perform better in social and academic situations, and even become
physically healthier.

When your child expresses challenging emotions or misbehaves in some

manner, try to figure out the underlying cause of their feelings. Put the steps
of Emotion Coaching to work in your relationship with your child. Try the
following exercises in the next few days, and discover the benefits of these
strategies.

 Show your child respect and understanding in moments when they feel
misunderstood, upset, or frustrated. Talk through their feelings with
them and try to understand their source.
 Be aware of your child’s responses to your method of working through
the moment with them.
 In difficult interactions, make your child feels your empathy, by patiently
validating their feelings and getting to the root of their expression.
 Instead of focusing on your parental agenda in these situations, show
your child that you respect their attempts to solve problems, and guide
them with trust and affection. Work through these experiences
together.

Emotion Coaching Step 1: Empathy

Imagine Mark and his seven-year-old son, Creighton. After hours of standing in
line for a ride at Disneyland, sweating profusely in his khakis on what feels like
the hottest of all possible hot days, they have finally reached the front of the
line. Creighton looks up at Mark, tugging with panic at his sleeve, and with
eyes big as saucers says the last words Mark wants to hear: “Daddy, I’m
scared.”

Imagine another example: Ruth and her five-year-old daughter, Gabby.

Coming home from work late one night, Ruth is tackled by Gabby, who
demands a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. Exhausted, but unable to resist
her adorable youngster, Ruth relents. Five minutes later, forgetting to lose the
game to her daughter, she is startled by a sudden sob. Gabby is crushed.

Lastly, consider the case of Linda and her ten-year-old son, Tommy. Coming
home from a fifth-grade class outing to the zoo, he is unusually quiet.
Assuaged by his mother’s questions, “How did it go? Did you have fun with
your friends? Tell me all about it!” Tommy squirms and awkwardly complains
that he was avoiding the Reptile Room when one of the bullies in his class
called him a baby.

What do all of these examples have in common? They are universal, extremely
familiar, everyday expressions of a child’s desire for their parent’s support.
They are cries for sympathy and understanding. When children show their
parents vulnerabilities, they want their parents to be their allies. As the above
examples show, it can be difficult for parents to respond in these emotionally
charged moments. Common societal misconceptions are at play here, as well
as basic human psychology: parents often fear losing control of themselves or
allowing their children to lose control of their negative emotions, and it is easy
to fall into the trap of using distraction techniques to pacify a child who is
upset. “Here, honey, stop crying, we’ll get ice cream on our way home!” Sound
familiar?

Unfortunately, these techniques are only temporary “solutions” to the

“problem.” Research shows that emotional awareness does not have to be
accompanied by the feeling of wearing your heart on your sleeve. It does not
have to involve ripping your soul out and exposing all of your vulnerabilities to
someone else. Evidence shows that children who cannot look to their parents
for true understanding and support feel more  vulnerable and out of control in
these moments. Children who have non-emotion coaching parents grow up in
a “make believe home.”

Let’s return to our scenarios. In Mark and Creighton’s case, Daddy is stressed
out and hot and irritable and all kinds of frustrated with his son for revealing
his second thoughts about the Disneyland ride. If you haven’t spent a lot of
time around children, think back to that old adage – a kid’s mother gets him
dressed up in layer upon layer of warm clothing, and the moment before he’s
all ready to go play in the snow outside, he miraculously discovers the sudden
and overwhelming desire to use the bathroom. Though the child in the well-
known anecdote has a physical need, Creighton’s emotional need is just as
significant. If his father calls him a baby or ridicules his fear out of annoyance,
the lessons that Creighton will learn are that his emotions are unreasonable,
shouldn’t be shown to anyone, and are fundamentally undesirable and
problematic.  Now imagine his father leaning down and saying, “Yeah, kid, I
used to be afraid of some rides too! This one is really big and scary, huh? Do
you still want to go on it with me or do you want to try a smaller one?”
Creighton’s trust in his dad will be affirmed. He will feel safe in expressing his
fear, and he will gain a greater understanding of his feelings and the
awareness that he can deal with them.

Now take the case of Ruth and Gabby: Ruth is exhausted from work and caves
into her daughter’s desire for a game, which ends in tears when Gabby loses.
As an Emotion Coach, what would Ruth do? She wouldn’t attempt to pacify
Gabby with a cookie or a promise of a trip to the park the next day. She would
sit down next to her daughter and ask her about how she is feeling. She would
try to understand why Gabby is so upset, patiently listening to her daughter’s
responses and helping her work through her emotional state. She might ask,
“What’s wrong, babe? Are you upset because you lost the game? Losing sucks,
I know. I hate losing. Maybe we could practice tomorrow and you could beat
me! That always helps!” Like Creighton, Gabby would feel that her mother is
aware of her emotions, that they are real and important and deserving of
compassion and empathy, that all humans have them. She will be a little
further in gaining an invaluable skill-set, which is understanding herself and
others.

Now that we have gone through these two examples, the method that Linda
should use in approaching her son Tommy’s experience with a bully at the zoo
should seem relatively clear. Already shamed and embarrassed by his
classmate, Tommy worries that his mother will also misunderstand him and
cause him further discomfort. If she uses Emotion Coaching, she can turn the
whole experience around. She needs only to think of the first step, empathy.
When she puts herself in Tommy’s shoes, she may remember what it was like
for her to be bullied as a child, thinking back to a time when she felt attacked
or put down by someone. What she most likely wanted at that moment was
understanding and support – in short, the comfort of being told that she was
not an alien life form, that she was “OK.” By imagining how Tommy must feel,
she will see the dangers of calling him out for not defending himself, and
instead, realize that the best she can offer him is her compassion and
sympathy.
Parenting is hard work. Use Emotion Coaching  and empathy in your
conversations with your child, and see the differences it makes in difficult
moments.

Emotion Coaching Step 2: Seeing Expressions of Emotion as

Opportunities for Teaching and Intimacy

The second step of Emotion Coaching is seeing your child’s expressions of

emotion as opportunities for teaching and intimacy. Negative expressions
of emotion may not be a problem that needs to be handled nor your fault.
This realization that such moments can be used to teach your child may come
as a huge relief.

Working through emotions

These are the times your child needs your support the most. Working through
your child’s emotions with them and showing your care for them will allow
them to grow in a multitude of ways. For example, it will help them to become
better at self-soothing. They will learn to work through problems themselves.

Improving your child’s ability to navigate low-intensity situations, such as the

loss of an ice cream cone, will encourage them to come to you during more
difficult times in their life. Your trust and connection will grow.

An example
Kendra’s six-year-old son, Ben, has always wanted a dog. A dog person herself,
she would love to make his dream a reality. However, living in a small
apartment in the city makes their mutual desire impossible. Taking a walk in
the park one day, she and Ben spot several adorable puppies. He bursts out
crying. Feeling helpless and exhausted, Kendra cannot believe that she has to
deal with “the conversation” all over again. This time, with the help of Emotion
Coaching, she has the tools to lead it in a different, more positive direction.

Bending down to eye level with her son, Kendra asks him what’s wrong.

“All the other kids have dogs,” he mumbles through tears. “If you really loved
me you’d let me have one too!”

“I do love you, more than anything in the world,” Kendra says, stroking Ben’s
hair. “I want a dog too, and I really wish we could have one right now. Maybe
when we move out of this apartment, we can think about getting ourselves a
puppy of our own. Wouldn’t that be great?”
The boy nods.

She continues, “Those kids out there probably live in a place where their
puppies can roam free. You don’t want the puppy we get to be stuck inside,
miserable, with no place to go, do you?”

Her son shakes his head. Ben is still upset, but he is no longer sobbing. His
mother’s words have soothed him temporarily. Their long-term effect will be
much greater.  As he watches the children play with their dog and imagines
having one of his own someday, he sees that his Mom understands him and
feels that his feelings are being taken seriously. This six-year-old learned a
little bit about the values of patience and compromise. In the future, when the
sight of another kid and his dog trigger his envy and sadness, he will
remember his mother’s words, and their effect will last. He will feel more
confident in his ability to soothe himself with the gain of some perspective on
his short-term desires.

Embrace the opportunity

Seeing your child’s expressions of emotion as opportunities for teaching and
intimacy will allow the two of you to build mutual trust while also relieving
anxiety and frustration in difficult times. When you observe your child
struggling with a problem and expressing fear, sadness, or anger, take the
moment as an opportunity for their emotional growth, and for the growth of
your relationship.

Emotion Coaching Step 3: Treating a Child’s Feelings with

Empathetic Listening and Validation

To truly connect with your child when in a psychologically difficult moment, it

is important to read between the lines. Rather than asking a child how they
feel, observe their facial expressions, body language, gestures, and the tone of
their voice. If your toddler is crying, they probably don’t know why. Asking
won’t help. However, age is not the whole story here. Asking your twelve-year-
old son if he feels nervous will likely elicit a negative response. Instead of
asking questions to which you already know the answers, Drs. John and Julie
Gottman suggest a combination of attentiveness, offerings of simple
observations, and validation of your child’s emotions in difficult moments.

Frieda’s daughter, Agatha, ten, ambushes her as soon as she walks in the door
from a long day at the office. All rage and tears, Agatha follows behind her
mother as she walks to the living room, angrily recounting her “awful” piano
lesson a few hours earlier. As Frieda gathers from the tirade, punctuated by
intermittent stomps and declarations of quitting immediately, she discovers
that her daughter’s instructor made some negative comments about Agatha’s
practicing. Or lack thereof. Feeling irritated by her daughter’s constant
complaining about the lessons she had begged for forever, Frieda remembers
the third step of Emotion Coaching and takes a deep breath. “You seem
frustrated with your piano teacher right now,” Frieda says, “Is that true?”
“Yeah! And she made me feel so guilty,” her daughter answers. Seeing her
daughter’s reddened cheeks and teary eyes, her mother sits down beside her
on the bed. She strokes Agatha’s hair and talks to her seriously: “I hate it when
people make me feel that way. It really stinks. What do you think would make
you feel less frustrated with piano?” A few thoughtful moments later, Agatha
excitedly asks to play a duet with Frieda for her next recital. As Frieda agrees,
her daughter grins. Seeing her Mom as an ally gives Agatha the confidence to
work through this temporary impediment, and to continue in pursuit of her
love of creating music. Harmony is restored.

Emotion Coaching Step 4: Helping Your Child to Find Words For

Their Emotions

Research shows that adults can help kids who struggle with moments of
emotional intensity, largely due to children’s natural inexperience in
understanding what on earth they are going through. Children are new to the
experience of emotion, and their lack of comprehension of their feelings may
lead to the misconception that their emotions are unnatural. This is where
Step 4 of our Emotion Coaching system comes in: Helping Your Child To Find
Words For Their Emotions. 

According to Dr. John Gottman, “providing words [to describe the problem]
can help children transform an amorphous, scary, uncomfortable feeling into
something definable, something that has boundaries and is a normal part of
life… [something that] everybody has and everybody can handle.” Remarkably,
research studies show that expressing empathy while giving kids the tools to
label their emotions with words not only helps to heighten their confidence in
dealing with everyday problems, but is also effective in soothing their nervous
system and allowing them to recover faster from stressful events.

Don’s nine-year-old, Garnett, comes home one day in a funk. Dropping his
skateboard with a crash in the middle of the hallway, getting mud all over the
floor, he throws himself into his room and turns up the music. After tiptoeing
around his son throughout dinnertime as per his wife’s advice, Don loses
patience with the boy’s monosyllabic moodiness and accosts him on his way
out the door. “Where are you going, kid?” “To Mickey’s,” Garnett offers sullenly.
“Is anything wrong?” After a few minutes of meandering aimlessly in circles,
Garnett finally relents. “I failed my math test today.” What should Don do with
this admission? His initial disappointment and frustration are replaced with
confidence as he remembers the fourth step of Emotion Coaching . He has a
way to turn the situation around.

Though it is obvious that adults continue to struggle with relation to their

emotions, it would be nonsensical to think that children and adults are on the
same page. Don can say with relative self-awareness that his son’s confession
of failing a math test in school makes him feel frustrated and upset. If he looks
deeper, he may notice that he also feels kind of guilty and irresponsible. He
may notice a twinge of anxiety about his parenting skills. Did he tutor Garnett
enough over the summer when he was struggling with Geometry? Why didn’t
Garnett come to him sooner? Is Garnett afraid to come to him with problems in
general?  Garnett’s silence, on the other hand, communicates a very different
message: the boy has no idea how to deal with the situation, and he may not
understand why.

To help his son, Don’s job as an Emotion Coach is to find out how his son is
feeling. The process is NOT about what Don thinks Garnett OUGHT to be
feeling about the problem he is faced with, but about working together to
determine the true emotions in the situation. Here is how the conversation
might go:

Don: “It sounds like you feel upset about the math test.”
Garnett: “Yeah… I feel like I could have done better. I should have studied
more. Jimmy got an A. He told everyone.”
Don: “I know how that goes. I used to HATE it when I had messed up on
something and other kids shouted out their good grades. It made me so
jealous.”
Garnett: “It’s sooo annoying! It felt really bad… I guess I was jealous.”
Don: “That’s totally normal! We all go through it sooner or later. Is this all
about Jimmy, though?”
Garnett: “No… I feel like I should have studied more.”
Don: “So you feel kinda guilty?”
Garnett: “Yeah…”
Don: “Would it help if we went through some Geometry problems together
this weekend?”
Garnett: “Could we? Thanks… that would be so great.”

Knowing that his Dad has been through the same experience, and that it made
him feel the same way, allows Garnett to realize that his experience is normal.
That he isn’t a creature from outer space. The words Don offers to his son in
describing the emotions Garnett is feeling makes these feelings easier to
handle, and makes the boy see that this episode is just a part of the normal
human experience. That it isn’t the end of the world. It also helps him to trust
his Dad more – to see him as an ally. Together they can practice some math
problems and work through the situation as a team.

The fourth step of Dr. Gottman’s Emotion Coaching system is one in which
you, as a parent, have the opportunity to help your child through difficult
moments in a manner that is both incredibly easy for you, and astoundingly
useful for them. If you practice it often, it can increase not only your child’s
ability to cope with problems, but bring the two of you closer together.

Here you can learn more about Step 5, the last step of Dr. Gottman’s Emotion
Coaching system.

Emotion Coaching Step 5: Helping the Child Problem Solve and

Setting Limits

The last step of the Emotion Coaching  system is to set limits while helping
your child to problem-solve. This should come naturally to any parent, as
humans are drawn into the advice-giving stage of problem-solving
conversations. The Gottman research mirrors the findings of popular child
psychologist and bestselling author Dr. Ginott, whose communication system
involves the following principals:

 Never deny or ignore a child’s feelings.

 Only behavior is treated as unacceptable, not the child.
 Depersonalize negative interactions by mentioning only the problem. Ex: “I see
a messy room.”
 Attach rules to things. Ex: “Little sisters are not for hitting.”
 Dependence breeds hostility. Let children do for themselves what they can.
 Children need to learn to choose, but within the safety of limits. Ex: “Would you
like to wear this blue shirt or this red one?”

Below are five key steps of problem-solving discovered by Dr. Gottman in his
own research on Emotion Coaching, as well as explore their underlying
principles and the effects of their application to your child’s development.

1. Set limits
In the likely event that your journey into the thorny lands of problem-solving is
made especially prickly by your child’s misbehavior, it is important to
understand the key element of setting limits.  Avoid harsh criticism of your
child’s actions and instead focus on the emotions underlying their behavior.
Here, we take Ginott’s advice in making it clear to a child that, although their
behavior might not always be acceptable, their feelings and wishes always are.
While discipline is necessary in raising your little one, Drs. John and Julie
Gottman make a further note in their discussion of disciplinary methods.

While a 1990 survey of college students exposed that 93% were spanked as
children, the consequences of spanking scientifically prove to be troubling.
Past research studies show that “spanking teaches, by example, that
aggression is an appropriate way to get what you want… [and that it] can have
a long term impact as well,” and that spanked children, “as teenagers… are
more likely to hit their parents… as adults more likely to be violent and
tolerate violence in their relationships,” and that “interestingly, studies of
parents who have been trained in other methods of child discipline show that
once they find effective alternatives, they drop the spanking.” Apparently,
more reasonable methods will suffice. As an added bonus, we think your
children might be grateful.

2. Identify Goals
If you dive from Setting Limits into Identifying Goals and find yourself
floundering about in a whirlpool of confusion, chances are that you dove too
fast. Luckily, clambering back up onto the safety of the first step will allow you
to avoid the misfortune of drowning. Make sure that you are hearing your
child, understanding their feelings, empathizing and labeling them, and
generally applying the four steps of Emotion Coaching before embarking on
this one with greater confidence. When your child is ready, you can begin to
identify goals by clarifying and understanding their ideas in solving the
problem at hand.

3. Think of Possible Solutions

Without taking too great of an authoritative role in the problem-solving
process, thereby inundating your child with your own ideas for possible
solutions, make suggestions to your child at a rate which they can process. It is
important to treat a 5 year old differently than a 15 year old when making
problem solving suggestions. As a child grows up and matures, the number of
solutions you can offer to come to problem resolution will increase. Few
children under ten are equipped for abstract thinking, and can only deal with a
few ideas at a time, while older children are able to engage in brainstorming
and have the ability to understand the theoretical implications of similar
experiences they (or you!) have encountered in previous problem-solving
attempts.
4. Evaluate Proposed Solutions Based on
Your Family’s Values
This step is relatively self-explanatory. Asking questions about the
ramifications of possible solutions according to your family’s moral or ethical
system will help to instill your family’s values in your child. If a kid wants to
deal with Johnny’s ill-advised teasing at school by asking all the other kids to
ignore Johnny at recess the next day, you might want to ask the following
questions: “Would that be fair?” “Would it work long-term?” “How would Johnny
feel about that?” “Is there anything else you can think of?”  Hopefully, a less
absurdly ineffective plan can be devised. Luckily, talking through problem-
solving in the context of your family’s values is a classic example of two
birds/one stone: if you try to encourage your child to practice an abstract
ethical system in a theoretical context, you are figuratively throwing a very
heavy stone into an endless void. Young kids have little experience with
hypotheticals and abstract concepts, but inspiring your little ones to see these
values at play in a  situation they are currently dealing with is an incredibly
effective method of teaching your child about ethics and simultaneously
solving the problem at hand!

5. Help Your Child Choose a Solution

The final step is the one with the greatest potential to empower kids dealing
with difficult situations. While enhancing their abilities and confidence in
thinking for themselves, give advice and offer up anecdotes from your own
experience in dealing with similar problems. Talk about what worked, what
didn’t work, and why. Once you have chosen a solution the two of you can
agree upon, you can work together in figuring out a plan for its
implementation. Remember that we all learn from our mistakes! This is not
the last time your kid will face a difficult situation, but if you work through the
relatively minor problems they experience while they are young, they will be
better equipped to deal with more intense predicaments and moral
quandaries later in life.

Practice Emotion Coaching and see the difference this research-based system
can make in your family’s life. If you want to find out more about raising
emotionally intelligent children and teaching them skills they can carry with
them from toddler years into adulthood, see “Raising An Emotionally
Intelligent Child.”

Confronting Kid Conflict with Emotion Coaching

Wouldn’t it be great if you could put down your referee whistle and instead
use tools to regulate conflict between kids? Well, you can!

Conflict exists in every relationship. If you arm yourself with evidence-based

parenting tools, such as Emotion Coaching, to navigate conflict, you will
manage these moments with greater ease and confidence. You will also teach
your children valuable life skills that they can take to the playground and then
to the workplace one day. 

Using Emotion Coaching takes some practice and time at first. However, once
everyone gets used to it, these conversations will become second nature. Also,
you won’t have to intervene as often.

The five steps

There are five simple steps to an Emotion Coaching conversation. By following
them as prescribed by Dr. John Gottman in his book “Raising an Emotionally
Intelligent Child” , you create a more nurturing home environment and strong
relationships based on mutual trust and respect—with your children and
between your children.

The steps are simple. Calming down and applying them is the trick.  Let’s walk
through the basic steps to having an Emotion Coaching conversation. 

Step one: Tune in

The first step is simply tuning into your children’s lower-intensity emotions.
These are the ones you can identify such as when your child scrunches their
eyebrows, balls up their fists, or drops their shoulders. These are the little
cues that let you know something is off before the bigger emotions escalate. 

Step two: Make a choice

It is easy for us as parents to react to our children. Instead, we need to view
these challenging moments as a gift. They allow us to respond, connect, and
teach every time our children act out or become emotional. This perspective is
an intentional choice that you need to make. I try to imagine a big, beautiful
gift before me with a shiny red bow on it.  This conflict can be an opportunity
to create connection and intimacy.
Step three: Listen
This step is the simplest but often the hardest. Let each of your children feel
heard by simply letting them tell their story. Ask, “What’s going on?” to each of
them. They each get a turn speaking their side. Once they have shared, reflect
back and paraphrase what you heard them say while both validating and
empathizing.

Step four: Help them label their emotions

Don’t tell your children how they feel. When we do this, we are stoking the
power-and-control fire and inviting resistance. Nobody likes to be told how
they feel! You can instead ask, “How did it feel when _____?”  

If your kiddos cannot identify an emotion, provide them with a few to choose
from that you feel might be apt. For example, “Are you frustrated, sad, or
disappointed?” Many times, kids aren’t even aware of how they feel; they are
just reacting to it. By helping kids identify and communicate verbally how they
are feeling, we empower them to express themselves in a more positive,
effective, and socially acceptable way.

Step five: Set limits while problem-solving

This is where the meat of the conversation takes place. You want to start by…

 Acknowledging the feeling/need/desire and setting a limit on the behavior or

action. It can sound like, “It’s okay to feel/want ___________, but it’s not okay to
do ____________.”
 Help your child identify their goal or desire. All behavior is purposeful.
Sometimes we need to be a detective and get underneath what we are seeing
on the surface. Here we can simply ask, “What did you want?” or “What did you
need?”
 Once we know what they wanted or needed, we can brainstorm some other
ways to meet it. We can start by asking them, “What is a different way to get
that?” Or we can coach them to come up with ideas by using us as a resource:
“Do you want to know what other kids have done in situations like this?” or “Do
you want to know what I did as a little kid when this happened to me?” We can
even remind them of successful ideas they used in the past in similar
situations: “Remember the last time you really wanted __________? What did
you do/say that time?”
 Once you have a list of at least two or three ideas, evaluate each of them so
your child can best choose their next course of action. Walk them through by
asking, “What would happen if you did __________? How would the other person
feel? How do you think I would react?” This helps your child connect the dots
and identify the possible outcomes or consequences for each of their options.
 It can be helpful to use your family’s rules or values as a guide to assess each
of the ideas. 
 Last, you let your child choose. Ask, “You can try again. So what are you going
to try now?” or “What do you plan to do next time this comes up?” It is best
that your child chooses because they are more likely to follow through if the
idea was a result of their own brainstorming and choice.

Two (or three) steps at a time

Each of these steps is a little gem in and of itself. You don’t have to use the
entire framework to have meaningful and effective conversations. A great way
to start adding Emotion Coaching into your parenting toolbox is by practicing
two or three of the steps that you think will enhance the conflict regulation
conversations you already have with your children. You and your children will
be grateful, and things in your home will begin to feel a bit lighter.

Why Becoming Your Child’s Emotion Coach Begins by Managing

Your Own Emotions First

In the event of an airplane emergency, passengers are advised to secure their own
oxygen masks first, before helping others. The reason they’re asked to do so is that
people unable to breathe (or those who are unconscious) are of little help to others.

The idea of “putting your own oxygen mask first” also applies to many areas of
parenting. It’s difficult to be a good parent when you’re overwhelmed,
frustrated, and have doubts about your parenting choices. It’s also difficult to
be a good parent when you’re struggling with your own emotions.

Emotion regulation studies have received much attention over the years. Poor

emotion regulation skills have been linked to multiple negative outcomes,
including poor physical health. Suppressing emotions has also been linked
to cardiovascular diseases  and asthma. Although the results are still
inconclusive, some studies have also found ties between poor emotional
regulation skills and mental disorders.

We now know that how we talk to kids about emotions  has an impact on their
social, academic, and psychological well being beyond the childhood years. We
also know that before we can teach kids to regulate their emotions, we must
learn to manage our own emotions. For instance, the evidence suggests that
anxiety-prone parents are much more likely to pass on their anxieties to their
kids.
We also know that kids learn more from watching us than they do from
listening to us. When we provide them with the right framework , we give them
the necessary tools to manage their emotions.

According to the Stanford researcher James Gross , the available emotion

regulation strategies are limitless. Gross defines emotion regulation as “the
processes by which we influence which emotions we have, when we have
them, and how we experience and express them.”

Here are a few things to keep in mind to help you deal with your emotions.

1. Actions speak louder than words

Teaching kids how to manage emotions is not about suppressing those
emotions. It’s about teaching your children that emotions exist, but they can
be managed. Your kid watches and learns from you about how she should
react to strong emotions such as anger and anxiety.

2. Give someone else advice

Emotional regulation studies refer to the tendency to focus on potential
solutions as situation modification. It means making an effort to modify the
situation so as to alter its emotional impact. For example, talking to your
partner about something he does that affects you can help convince him to
change, or at least be more conscious of how his actions affect you.

Taking on a third-person perspective to evaluate an emotion-inducing event

can make it easier to deal with that event. When you’re struggling with a
particular situation, imagine that it’s happening to someone else. What would
you advise that person to do?

3. If you can’t fight back, flee

Deciding to skip an event you know you’ll hate is a common emotion
regulation strategy. This is commonly referred to as situation selection, and it
means approaching or avoiding certain situations, places, or people in order
to regulate one’s emotions. For instance, before an important interview, you
might choose to call an optimistic friend rather than to spend time with a
pessimistic one. If dentists have always made you anxious, having someone
else take your kid to a dental appointment may help you regulate your
emotions.
However, as Gross asserts, emotion regulation is not simply about decreasing
negative emotions. Drawing on other studies, he argues, for instance, that a
shy person can decrease anxiety by avoiding social situations, but this can only
offer short-term relief and potentially lead to social isolation.

4. Look at the situation through fresh eyes

Cognitive change refers to modifying how we judge our capacity to manage
emotion-eliciting situations. Some of the common approaches include denial,
isolation, the reappraisal of situations, or attempts to interpret events more
positively.

According to Gross, we often deal with emotions by reappraising them

(changing how we view situations) or suppressing them. While it is still unclear
which strategies work best, Gross’s studies have shown that suppressing
emotions decreases not only negative but also positive emotion-expressive
behavior. Moreover, suppressing emotions has little impact on negative
experiences. In other words, reappraising situations is more likely to lead to
desirable consequences.

5. Focus your attention elsewhere

Diverting your attention away from emotion-eliciting situations can help you
manage strong emotions. Attentional deployment includes strategies such as
distraction, i.e., focusing attention on the non-emotional aspects of a situation,
and concentration, i.e., choosing activities to draw attention away from the
triggers.

Ultimately, helping your kid manage his emotions requires you to learn to
manage yours first.