why do they insist that “JOL ‘word, and must be alphabetiz poor owner gets around to act NO. 30 APRIL 2023 ATER CMO ay 'SUZY HUTCHINSON ART DIRECTOR Dee ween cca Te ee eT Se rec tind ee aS Ea ean) eee eae De a ee Other Y2K Problems Guaranteed to Make Your Pe ey Pe a ee ea eo Pee SE ee ee ee eer Peete CU ee ane Ce on om Coen oy ce ee oe ea SR een COO eee Car nS ae ‘ales from the Encrypt Keeper: Breaking the Fourth Firewall ee Ce eee eet COO eet ro Eee Pee Ee re Cee DNA ecm east Re ae) 2 Sa ome ee Ce LOR etary ee ee ee) Pee nnn eeQM Ye td hat she most miraculous thing about computer thee real miracle is that not one of the millions of facts they have stored aw: | eo ww yw wy | Ne ...why do they assume you want ...why do they spread the word that you're re- -..Why can't they report your correct wages to the LR.S., _...why can't they find someone to write to receive 800 identical copies sponsible for all of the 1983 and 1984 parking especially when it a known fact that the LR.S. will al- a computer instruction manual who knows of the same mail order catalogue? tickets issued to a car that you sold in 1981? ways believe a computer and assume the taxpayer is lying? how to put together a simple sentence? oma GI . ll Sat | A a) ZZ ..-why does the increasing amount of in- ..-how come they're always telling ...Why do they invariably select the phone numbers _... how do they figure that your bank balanc formation they spew out to TV weathermen you that you're making an error, but of the elderly, the unmarried and the childless to could have dropped from $1,854 to $18.54 dur- only make the forecasts more inaccurate? ‘they can never tell you what it is? receive their annoying calls about diaper service? ing a month you didn’t make any withdrawals? SSG HAAG le ATTN EC is 4 . BEE COMPLAINT/COMPUTER ERROR ‘DIVISION Sal JL Z G = See. oS, wT .,.What is their logic in letting 14,000 mur- .+. Why do they blithely pass along a ridiculous «+. Why do they insist that “JOHNSMITH?” isall one «+. Why do companies that install them im- ders go unsolved while they devote full time meter reading that makes your monthly electric word, and must be alphabetized under “J” until its mediately have to hire lots of extra em- to nailing you on some old traffic warrant? bill higher than the one for Yankee Stadium? Poor owner gets around to acquiring a first name? ployees just to correct computer errors? 2 OmGNALL PURUSHEDIN MAD 4258, T1085Com Robots are slowly taking over the jobs that humans used to do—from building cars to hosting Entertainment Tonight (unless we're wrong about Vanessa Lachey). And it's only a matter of time before these freakin’ androids are working in our homes too! And then what happens? Uh...Actually, we're not sure. Man, we could really use a robot to finish this stupid intro for us! While we go back to the lab, why don't you read. NOM) CALDDWELL_'s you've DEFINITELY BOUGHT THE See ei a ee Crea ee eee es its only high-tech, labor-saving tee Maat as Cee ae ee ee a £ g i & a i 5 ee ae Cee Se eee ett oe es Peoria RELLLOOO! Coie es Ereerter nr‘Talk about dumb! Doomsayers around the globe foaming at the mouth Sr anes a ema cd ei eR ede aN Sakon meee nce ee auc PU eer /erything from water to toilet paper. Predictions. Eee ea CoC Sea reeaed falling out of eras Severe coffin shortage Peery fll the cult wackos w! ‘Mother US GUARANTEED 4 TOMAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE WRITER MIKE SNIDER ARTIST MONTE WOLVERTONTHIN WANT To OmePU : wee | always find that the Holy Spirit guides me to the answers of every problem, so hold on while | get my Bible! | So you say it is plugged in? Well, 'm stumped! es yes eS D Hey, wait a minute, I know that screen name! Aren't you the jerk who keeps kicking my ass on Xbox live? 0) 1) Se a Sf eo This is off the subject, but did you know that the letters in your name can be Z Bb = arranged to spell "Snail Vomit"? Za an es “ It seems to me that your problem goes deeper ibe than simply the internet connection. Tell me about your relationship with your father. Fl TGR at Well, did you ever consider that the screen is supposed to freeze up for ten minutes? ASS Sees SS _Metearn English goodly. Su S| Talk you do about problem! ec PeuY oe | Mor P> NR oor wc star, tcrmosaxityoune satisfied with your current mortgage? -— (SSS SET TT Let me consult with my supervi “Results hazy, try again later"! | r STZ mo Okay, I've located the problem, and I'll tell you how to fix it... over a romantic candlelight dinner! Ia TS Zz I'm sorry, it’s just the word “byte” always make me laugh! ey Ig FosSe CCS Tce SMALL BUT SHUT M Na a eS Pe yA CS re The Magnetic Game Board Fabric Softener wa Ce CC MB ITT PaIndiana Jones? Unforgettable! ET? A masterpiece! I've always introduced audiences to exciting new },) characters in captivating stories. Until now. This time, I've grabbed a few hundred ideas and put them on the screen as random peekaboo Easter eggs for 3 nanoseconds apiece. | used to create classics, but this uninvolving hodgepodge of IP Bingo is my. I] A] Welcome to a realty unlike anything you've experienced Herein 2045, we distract ourselves from a depressed economy by staring at screens made by abusive corporations and retreating into fantasies that mean more to us than our ‘anything youve experienced, ~~ ish Sone ed Man, I love cameo spotting! | just saw Hornbuckle, a non-playable ‘Mortal Kombat character! And NO FREAKIN’ WAY, it's See-Thru,a Jf robotic thief who appeared injust one episode of Thundercats! Andnext to him...uh...who the heck es called the Hiatus. I's worth a trillion dallars My real names Weled JY ‘and was created by two men, James Hideaway |] Whatsis, but what |} and Begdan Borrowed, They showed us we can {90 somewhere without going anywhere. People fin the Hiatus forall the things they ean do, but Stay forall he things they can bel And whoever of my imagination. He wrote this craptaculat script proved you can | also makes it posible ‘describe everything while saying nothing! ‘to talk to gis \ Prt! Hust by |] inoculated! myself Hello, 'm James Hideaway, and py Before | died, Icreated anf Oh look, a reclusive oddball Let's agree ifyou're watching ths, mead. | Easter egg. The fist person J geniussets up anillaefined [J his guy'sme *) And if you keep watching this, k Jin thistiim ofno y you'll soon wish you were dead! a imagination! Heft this message to announce a ‘engr osnssempte J, rk oced hecanfigueoutniioge dyno and survive the dangerous rata blatant J ‘Ratenges! Tene moet 5 (4 1) My name's itch, and | Here are my other two s|_myriend Farclealisthe [online friends, Mosquito Ultimate video game. fl and Shmoe. Or maybe it's \ character! He's got thesis the other way around ‘great backstoriesin ‘he novel version of thisthat\'m not ff Iron Giant, 'm the ‘going to read. love interest! i. Re ar pesca)Now this isthe real me, Welrd Whatsis. My aunt Whatsername and! are mired inppoverty, but every day | put on my wireless VA gogales, laser recognition Scanner, and tactile exo-sensory gloves, and log in to my virtual reality Hiatus know I just met you, yet L.ctove you. Sort of ike how I love Jessica Rabbit. Tknow she’s not real, yet I get so excited thinking ‘about her enormous. Ew! Are you kidding me thing, but to lust after a artifical character construct. 1-877-Kars-4-Kids! «* ARS, Kars-4-Kids, J donate your car to: daAAAAYYYYY... That is beyond repulsive! Objectitying women is one James Hideaway’ life isthe fonly way to solve the puzzles rnomatter how insignificant B) Arty: Mess is one of the greatest game players in the Hiatus, but hang ‘nto your joystick forthe twist. she's a GIRLI As an emotionally stunted ‘white male gamer stereotype, | didn’t know if | should ask her out or doxx her. Unfortunately, my understanding of romantic relationships comes from watching Princess Peach get kidnapped by Bowser This looks brutal, but remember, it's nothing but pixels and virtual Veand 0's! I's not as if eal people are dying. I's sort of lke the way a certain US, administration used to think about Puerto Rico. Every single player lost, and ‘most of them are dead! But atleast there's ‘one siver lining! Iwas going YL tosay. | getso excited thinking about her enormous love for Roger” Buried in allthe minutia of rm just trying to "Yes, already Know this! Why are ff impress you. You've you mansplaning basic strategy to ff become one of my me? We've established that 'm one | top three video Of the most talented Goners. Don't ff game sex fantasies, You think would have given the | right between Contest the same amount of [J Lara Croft and thought and planning? Donkey Kong! olution to the Contest! The isto memorize every detail spent four months studying Popeye Tijuana Bibles! rm tng to save water by pecing in the shower, ual thoes extra showers seem wasteful”Congratulations on becoming ‘he first player to beat the first challenge by driving backwards from the starting Tine and into Central Park! There are 3 billion people in the Hiatus, How could we know the identity of one player before he did anything? Do you even know the names of your kids’ friends? "Aiden key, a leap not taken.” I know the Solution & somewhs Hideaway's databank of nerdy memories. If could only figure out the eryptic information embedded ‘deep within his words, Thada date with abeautful dgitl. We saw a movie, Her ‘eyes were DANCING. Her left, [did get to third base ‘with my Teddy RUxpin. — Fe er Biss Too bad about that family of plenickerst Nevertheless this s the first time any of us have ever seen points appear on the scoreboard ‘She rounds wonderfull Like someone a guy would betray his bestfriend for. Say, why did you put so Rats Il never spot the clues! "The most mysterious part of this memory isthe way "young" Hideaway look: f= much emphasis on the fl two weeks younger than words dancing and shining, ‘asif they're Important? 7 7 'ld” Hideaway! Somebody turn up the CGllUcar’ believe it Y) My Aunt Alice just got killed by f) ‘aye Vivi, but rnocoins spilled Out of her! You're good, Farccal. Come work for Aye ViVi. Youll get 4 million a year, and one of these big swivel chalrst Or full, benefits including dental and barely in the movie at all. This is the Remind me, {may be the soulless villain of this what exactyisit J story, but even I'm not evil enough to Wielcome to the rebellion, which people. U ry gardener Pil changed his mind? sell the idea that remembering stuff i= something to take pride in, Hate to break fight against the Hiatus by playing itall the time, tum...just like everyone eb isthe real mo. You mean that skin blotch?Thesecond key sin Hideaway} [They'll need about Ewwwl it's Vf" Actually, favorite movie: The Shining! || 46,000 lemons to But they never should have || get the stains out put two litle girls in charge J of thisunsettingly ff this year’s blood drive! }{ designed carpet! think it's While they were tapped in Wt yeah, we're going old an‘80smovie loop, we captured fl 3 eee and caged Arty-Mess. Now the last | Shoe! Tats what ik thallenge is playing the obsolete P—= ‘Adventure console game! We'll {Old school? You mean force Arty-Mess and theres of our [J] you ike the Atari 2600 sheers to play unt they win, or de! ‘gaming system? . won re i — mm Fellow Gonerst'm the man who inspired FY Rise up in rea fe, to defend a fake game! ‘And after we win, you by driving backwards, then wowed [] Only you can stop the corporations from we will do the hard /| you'by being in the general vicinity of the || taking over, by posing as Freddy Krueger work of rebuilding "woman who solved everything elze! The || (0 19 our communities with Hiatus isthe place where we waste away ‘dean water and better ‘our valueless lives, which can only mean housing, starting ‘one thing. We must save the Hiat with Flint, MichTtonlycameout Jf How “The Catacyst of Tron Giant is supposed )( That's not battlescene! Blink [J thing's for ff three months ff canwe [J Khartoumwildsvupt tobe peacefull But here || allthey've landyouimissthe popff sure: beforethisssue (break P) the orb of Osivex, he's amurder machine, || “ruined ‘culture references! { Nobody will] was released and J through || and ree the Amulet laser-blasting everyonel || Check ‘that. | ofAnorak from the [JP] Talk about betraying || out the the character for an || Mister Rogers Here's the final One Is Where's Waldo? [J reference |J we, asa society, bout with 900° [this movie ff have already’ | force field |} shackles ofTamidul. Waldos and not |] 30years ff forgotten [around [if sosaysthe Screenplay ‘emotionally false ‘asmuch storyline! thecastle? pl of Horseshit *SQUEE!” moment!_} {_avatar. LEEEEEROWWY. JENRINNNNNE! ‘And at long last, Jf You've found the Easter ; ‘Allow me. This film has we've reached this [egg and won the final Excellent! You've realized that | exceeded its CGI budget movie's creative nadie. |] key! Now all that remains regretted making my best friend, There's simply no money, The last Easter egg | isto sign this contract, Begdan Borrowed, sign a contract left for virtual ink to isliterally an EGG! }{ and the Hiatus is yours! that dissolved our partnership, fill hat virtual pen - and that by signing this contract you would forfeit the Contes. congrats If Tanks Mr.Borrowed, Actualy, J What a lame message!"Try ‘havea feeling that Tuesdoys {Gulp This canara HL iny best friends and own it ff asing outside" ony someone fnd Thursdays might just [tte itt just vei ogether ana we've decided to ff hac given vs tikot buyers that Become my favorite daysof | hope she al shut it down on Tuesdays and advice two hours ago! And the week. Why don't you | doesn’t laugh a ‘Thursdays. The moral of the story |] why should anyone listen to a unlock some mysteries inside | at my slow: tints is, you should play video games |] 175 million dollar CGI blockbuster my VR suit, Lover Boy? refresh ratel nomorethan 420hours aweek! J tat say, "Reality ts better? 7ee Simple, easy to wear nose plug Fishing worms sold in soft plastic filters smoke for people who can’t tubes. Queasy people can then place avoid being in smoke-filled rooms, them on hooks without touching them.| THE NO SNAG, NON-SAG TEA THE BATHROOM “BLASTER” MASKER A spring-operated cassette player for attach- ment to bathroom doors in small apartments. Drowns out sounds that may embarrass company. ‘Tea bags with their own little plastic baggies, 0 no one has to slop dripping tannic acid over everything when the bag is removed from the cup. THE HIP NO - DRIP SIPPER A belt that, at the push of a button, rel rong deodorants that mask ‘foul smells when stuck in a hot crowded place. e 5 Electric wall outlets with built-in spring coiled extension cords that can be used as both ordinary outlets and also as extension cords when needed. THE INSET OUTLET EXTENDER DS THE NO-PANIG PAPER PURVEYOR A large toilet paper dispenser that stocks a whole year’s supply. The last roll is connected to a loud voice alarm that warns people | not to sit down and start if the dispenser has not been refilled.Cee Computers do a lot of useful things, but they're so Ge Mis, Mi... Meivs predictable—punch some keys, get a printout. Big s deal! But what if you used a computer and fie shot out! Wouldn't that be exciting? Well, no—unless it ‘happened to your friends computer! And it can—along with some other little gags—when you order from. MAD’s catalogue of 3 Practical FOR THE COP Mr. Sparky Spike Protector ‘This litle baby really does work like a spike Surge protector, but to keep your friends guessing, it also occasionally shoots a powerful spark three feet across the room! Watch out little kitties! #S0BZZZZT ........... - $39.95 #S6SZZZZI (Special 6 ft. spark model) ......... $89.95 Dizzy Daisy Wheel ‘>? No matter what your unsuspecting vic- ‘stim prints, it comes out garbage because the new Dizzy Daisy Wheel spins freely GY. and just prints letters at random! You'll S