FORGIVENESS: THE GIFT WE GIVE OURSELVES
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on
which it is poured.
—Mark Twain
Holding on to anger and resentment can be a very painful, and potentially harmful, process.
As Stephen Hayes, one of the founders of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy said,
“Unforgiveness is like being on a giant hook. Next to you on the hook is the person who has
hurt you. The hook is extremely painful. Wherever you go, so does the hook and so does the
offender. The only way you can get off the hook is if you allow the offender off first. The cost
of not allowing the offender off the hook is, perhaps, a lifetime of unhappiness.”
Just as hostility is noted to have many negative effects, forgiveness is shown to bring many
benefits to the forgiver.[1] Some of beneficial effects include the following:[2-16]
• Improved mental health
• Improved well-being
• Reduced negative emotions
• Improved satisfaction with life
• Fewer physical ailments
• Reduced fatigue
• Better sleep quality
• Reduced vulnerability to chronic pain
• Less stress and distress
• Lower levels of disordered eating behavior.
• Lower levels of self-harm or suicidal ideation.
• Better heart health
• Lower rates of self-reported pai
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Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves
What Is Forgiveness?
“Forgiveness can be defined as a freely made choice to give up revenge, resentment, or harsh
judgments toward a person who caused a hurt, and to strive to respond with generosity,
compassion, and kindness toward that person.”[17]
When we think of forgiveness, what comes to mind most often is about forgiving an
offender. However, there are other forms of forgiveness as well:
• We may struggle to forgive ourselves.
• We may find ourselves needing to ask someone else for forgiveness.
• We may need to accept a request for forgiveness.
• We may find ourselves needing to find forgiveness related to existential concerns.
An example of this would be the need to forgive the world for the suffering that is
present in it, or to forgive God for not preventing a death.
In forgiveness work, a person must come to recognize that suffering is not directed at us
alone; rather, it is part of human experience.
Forgiveness is a challenging area for most people, and confusion often exists about what it
entails. The following are important points to keep in mind about forgiveness:
• Forgiveness does not require us to reconcile with the offender and have continued
contact. There are times when it is in our best interest to stay away from the
offender.
• Forgiveness is a process that can take time; it is not just a decision we make quickly.
To forgive generally requires some emotional and mental energy on our part. (Refer
to “The Stages of Forgiveness” below.)
• To forgive means that we have to fully accept what actually happened, how we were
hurt, how our lives were affected by the offense, and even how we have changed as a
result.
• When we do not forgive, we continue to give the offense and the offender power
over us. To forgive is to become free to move forward.
• We need never forget what happened. In spite of our continued memory of the
event, we nevertheless forgive and live life in the present.
• Forgiveness does not relieve offenders of their responsibility. If it is necessary to
pursue justice, we can still take the action that is needed, such as pressing legal
charges, filing complaints, or otherwise appropriately addressing concerns.
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Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves
DECIDING TO FREE OURSELVES FROM PAIN: CHOOSING FORGIVENESS
No one can make this decision for us. We must be ready to reclaim the parts of our life that
were affected. We may need assistance to do this, depending on such factors as who
perpetrated the offense (oneself, a family member, a stranger, etc.) and the amount of
suffering or loss involved. We might benefit from using a journal to write down our
thoughts or to work through the process. (Refer to the “Therapeutic Journaling” tool.)
Depending on the situation, it might also be helpful to talk with a trusted friend, clergy
member, or therapist. Mobilize whatever resources will support you in this before
continuing. If you find that you are becoming distressed, stop the activity and consider
obtaining professional assistance.
THE STAGES OF FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness researchers Enright and Fitzgibbons provided four stages of forgiveness:[18]
• Uncovering. This stage is about gathering information about how the offense has
hurt us, changed us, or cost us. Often this includes reflection on how it has
preoccupied us mentally or emotionally.
• Decision. Once we understand how not forgiving has cost us and what forgiveness
is, we can decide to commit to the process.
• Work. This stage is challenging. We work to gain a deeper understanding of the
offender, our self, and the relationship, as applicable. During this stage, we begin to
experience more empathy and compassion for our self and for the perpetrator.
• Deepening. Finding meaning in the suffering might include becoming more
connected to others or recognizing that suffering is universal.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you
—Lewis B. Smedes
WHEN YOU ARE COMFORTABLE EXPLORING A GRIEVANCE, CONSIDER
THE FOLLOWING
• Are there events or situations in which you feel that you have been wronged and
which continue to bother you?
• How did the event(s) change you? Did it change how you view your world, yourself,
and others?
• What emotions are still present? Anger? Guilt? Shame? Hurt? Others?
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Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves
• What has holding on to this cost you in terms of time, relationships, energy,
happiness, etc.? Has it affected your health? Your sleep?
• How often does the event come to mind? How often do you dwell on it?
• What benefits might come to you if you were able to emotionally forgive the offense
and/or the offender?
• Do you feel ready to do the work of forgiveness in order to free yourself from the
past? Can you decide that forgiveness is for you and not the offender? If yes,
continue with the following questions:
o What is left to express to the offender or about what happened to you? Write
it down, express it through creative means such as drawing, or talk it out.
You can also write a letter to the offender, outlining what is unexpressed.
There is no need to send it out unless that is important to you.
o Have you needed forgiveness yourself from another person at some time?
What was that experience like, and how did you feel? Recognize that
everyone has been both the forgiven and the forgiver at some point.
o Is some of what you experienced through the offense impersonal (not really
about you) but rather related to the suffering that is experienced by others
on this planet?
o If you put yourself in the other person’s place, it can create empathy. You
may ask, what led them to do what they did? This empathy, however, does not
mean that their behavior is condoned.
• What can you learn from this experience? How can this connect you more with
others? How can more of your energy go into what you value? (Refer to the
“Values” tool.)
• Appreciate that the process may take time or require additional resources. Refer to
the Forgiveness Resources section at the end of this content.
Forgiveness is an absolute necessity for continued human existence...
—Bishop Desmond Tutu
RESOURCES
BOOKS
• Beazley, H. No Regrets: A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the
Past Behind. New Jersey: Wiley; 2004.
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Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves
• Casarjian R. Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart. New York: Bantam;
1992.
• Enright, RD. Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and
Restoring Hope. Washington, DC: APA Life Tools; 2001.
• Enright RD. The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a
Legacy of Love. Washington, DC: APA Life Tools; 2012.
• Enright RD. 8 Keys to Forgiveness. New York: W. W. Norton; 2015
• Jampolsky GG. Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All. Oregon: Beyond Words; 1999.
• Luskin, F. Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness. New
York: Harper Collins; 2002.
• Smedes LB. Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve. San Francisco:
Harper and Row; 1984.
• Smedes LB. The Art of Forgiving: When you Need to Forgive and Don’t Know How.
New York: Ballantine Books; 1997.
• Tutu, DM & Tutu, MA. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Forgiving
Ourselves and the World. New York: HarperOne, 2015.
• Worthington E. Five Steps to Forgiveness: The Art and Science of Forgiving. New York:
Crown Publishers; 2003.
MOVIES
• The Power of Forgiveness. Journey Films; 2008.
• Journey Toward Forgiveness. A documentary originally for ABC TV.
• Forgiveness: A Time to Love and a Time to Hate; 2011. A documentary for PBS and
available on PBS.org
• Forgiveness: The Secret of Peace; 2018. A documentary on IMDbPro.
• Lessons in Forgiveness: Part One;2020. A documentary by Positive Revolutions Films,
(free on YouTube)
WEBSITES
• Forgiveness Worksheets and Handouts (with worksheets, handouts, etc.):
http://www.psychologytools.com/technique-forgiveness.html
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Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves
• International Forgiveness Institute from Dr. Robert Enright and associates:
http://internationalforgiveness.com/
• Project Forgive: http://projectforgive.org/
• “Therapeutic Journaling”:
https://www.va.gov/WHOLEHEALTHLIBRARY/tools/therapeutic-journaling.asp
• “Values”: https://www.va.gov/WHOLEHEALTHLIBRARY/tools/values.asp
• Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance from Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance:
http://forgivenessalliance.org/
FORGIVENESS MEDITATIONS
• Kornfield J. The Beginners Guide to Forgiveness: How to Free Your Heart and Awaken
Compassion. Sounds True (recording with forgiveness meditations); 2002.
• Brach, Tara. Free guided meditation on forgiveness on her website.
• Bertin, M. Mindful.org. Free 10 minute meditation on forgiveness; 2019.
AUTHORS
“Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves” was written by Janice Singles, PsyD and
Shilagh Mirgain, PhD (2014, updated 2023).
This Whole Health tool was made possible through a collaborative effort between the
University of Wisconsin Integrative Health Program, VA Office of Patient Centered Care and
Cultural Transformation, and Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation.
REFERENCES
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structural equation analysis. J Relig Health. 2012;51(2):468-478.
2. Thompson LY, Snyder C, Hoffman L, et al. Dispositional forgiveness of self, others,
and situations. J Pers. 2005;73(2):313-360.
3. Webb JR, Brewer K. Forgiveness and college student drinking in Southern
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4. Lawler KA, Younger JW, Piferi RL, Jobe RL, Edmondson KA, Jones WH. The unique
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5. Waltman MA, Russell DC, Coyle CT, Enright RD, Holter AC, M. Swoboda C. The effects
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Forgiveness: The Gift We Give Ourselves
6. Rippentrop AE, Altmaier EM, Chen JJ, Found EM, Keffala VJ. The relationship
between religion/spirituality and physical health, mental health, and pain in a
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dynamic parallel process study. Ann Behav Med. 2016;50(5):727-735.
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