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2 OTHERNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004

Ted Kennedy Stopped At Airport, Edvard Freshman Promises To Stay Sober In

Beaten With Bamboo Clubs Munch's The College, Fails
Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy was Scream The efforts of Brandon Kilauea, a freshman
stopped last Friday while waiting to board a Stolen...Again at Vanderbilt University, to stay sober
flight to Washington, the latest of several Edvard Munch's throughout his college career failed last
times the beleagured and corpulent senator famous painting, Tuesday, roughly three days after his arrival
has found his name on airline watch lists. The Scream, was on campus. University experts agree that his
While waiting for a complete body cavity stolen from its similarly-themed pledge to stay celibate
search by Transportation Security Oslo, Norway, until marriage will meet a similar end "once
Administration officials, Kennedy was beat- home this week the beer goggles kick in."
en by airport security staff wielding bamboo in broad day-
rods. A White House spokesman, when light. This is the Policeman Vows To Avenge Slain
asked about the instrument, replied that second time the Partner
"the President was certainly not seeking painting has been stolen in recent years, Officer Rodney Ames, of the New York
vengeance for past wrongs, and any viola- shedding much of the blame for the recent Police Department, vowed to avenge the
tion of Ted Kennedy was coincidental." heist on museum security director Olaf death of his partner, Officer Dan Cordell,

Olympic Swimmer
Johannson. "Boy was my face red," Olaf con-
fessed. "We probably should have improved 73 last Thursday. Cordell, who had been shot in
a gunfight with members of James "the
Confused With security the first time this happened, but we Viper" Aldridge's crime syndicate in the grit-
Angry Preacher didn't think lightning could strike twice, ya Days since ty urban jungle that is New York last
June 13,
Michael Phelps, know?" 2004.
Wednesday, died at 3:26 A.M. the following
recent Olympic gold You’ve had morning. According to witnesses at Holy
medalist, has reached Ziggy Condom this much Sepulchre Hospital, Ames delivered a pro-
the pinnacle of ath- Sales At All- time to fanity- and tear-laden monologue before
legally
letic achievement, Time Low sleep with
pulling the bedsheet over his deceased part-
but still finds that the The latest attempt the Olson ner's body. He then left to wreak vengeance
average American confuses him with Fred to merchandise a twins. And on Aldridge and his ilk.
Phelps, preacher and proprietor of god- comic strip has failed.
hatesfags.com. "Michael Phelps," said Peter failed, as a promo- Vandy Football Looks Toward
LaRouche, average American, "isn't he that tional tie-in with Rebound Season
priest who's always bitching about gays?" Trojan flopped in Facing a number of relatively weak teams,
When informed of Michael Phelps's the first half of 2004. "Apparently people just Vanderbilt players and coaches are expect-
achievements and the differences between didn't want to use birth-control devices ing a rebound year this fall, shooting for
him and the similarly-named clergyman, emblazoned with the likeness of my sort-of upwards of four wins. "If I can't lead this
LaRouche shrugged and returned to not giv- penis-shaped cartoon character," announced team to a better record than last year, I
ing a shit about swimming. Tom Wilson, cartoonist. "That, however, deserve to be shot," said a confident Jay
will not stop me from using 25,000 of the Cutler at a press conference Saturday.
Rick James Dead; Chappelle Sketch damned things myself, if I have to." Wilson's Coach Bobby Johnson appeared with Cutler,
Lives On ambitious plan, however, fell flat, as he but only quietly mumbled, "You got that
According to could not find a woman willing to have sex right," after the quarterback's statement.
wire reports, with him. Johnson was reportedly seen later that day,
the memory purchasing a gun and ammunition.
of 1980s pop
star Rick
James contin-
ues to be des-
FAMED CHEF DIES
ecrated by
fans of The Dave Chapelle Show constantly
spouting the catchphrase "I'm Rick James,
bitch!" A recent survey of Chapelle's fans Julia Child Cremated With Rosemary, Hint of Lemon
found that over 90% had never heard of Rick
James prior to the sketch, and that, contrary Deceased television chef, shark repellent developer, and former OSS file
to popular belief, the catchphrase was never clerk Julia Child, who passed on at the age of 91, was cremated in a truly
funny. Nonetheless, those who had almost culinary fashion recently. "Rosemary is an member of the mint family
forgotten the sketch now remember, as with aromatic evergreen needles, often used in cooking, the taste of
America's would-be funnymen dredge up which blends perfectly with roasted meats of all types," Child wrote in
humor of which the rest of the country grew her will. "And a hint of lemon will make my funeral simply delightful."
tired months before. Added Child, "You don't have to cook fancy or complicated masterpieces
-- just good food from fresh ingredients."

Julia Child, Former Chef

08.25.2004
MASTHEAD

CONTENTS 3 Separate But Equal...

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In our last issue, we reported upon the history
of Stonehenge. We have recently learned that there DISCLAIMER
are, in fact, two stonehenges that are completely
This entire publication is a work of humor, parody and
unrelated. One is ancient, in England, and has noth- satire. You must be over 18 years old to read this pub-
ing to do with sandwiches, whereas the other is here lication. This publication and the content thereof does
at Vanderbilt, only several years old, and has and not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student
Communications, Inc. One copy of this publication is
always will serve sandwiches. We apologize for the available free to members of the Vanderbilt communi-
confusion. ty; additional copies are available for five dollars each.
If The Slant offends you, please do not read it. Support
our advertisers, if we have any.
Also in our last issue, we reported that the
Hustler recieved 17,984 votes for worst campus Copyright © 2004, The Slant.
All rights reserved
publication. After a recount, we have found that
they received only 17,982 votes. Thus, The Congress shall make no law respecting an
Vanderbilt Review is the worst publication, as voted establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free
exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of
by you, with 17,983 votes. speech, or of the press; or the right of the people
peaceably to assemble, and to petition the
Government for a redress of grievances.
 4 SLANTFEATURES The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004

FROM THE EDITOR

Well, it's the first day

of classes, and that means
another first issue of The
Slant. I'm tempted to
spend my entire column
regaling you all with tales
of the adventure and
intrigue I experienced
over the past few months,
but the fact is most of
COLIN DINSMORE you don't deserve to hear
those stories and I may or may not be exaggerating.
Instead I'll tell you all a bit about what's been
going on recently, especially involving The Slant.
First of all, let me address the freshman class and
tell you all how disappointed I am in you. More
specifically, how disappointed I am in all of your par-
ents. I spent several hours meeting and greeting
them and asking politely if they would like to buy an
ad to send greetings to you for a mere $10. Not only
did I not make a single sale, but I'm pretty sure one
of your parents spit on me.
Now, I'm strong enough to take such treatment
Fucked Image
and move on, but I'm fairly certain that poor Richie Seen in Wichita, Kansas
Green, my associate salesman, was emotionally shat-
tered by the treatment and is in counseling as we
speak. All that being said, however, I would like to
encourage all of you to come and work for The Slant.
It looks great on a resumé, works wonders on the
dating scene, and you get bonus points with the
Greeks during rush! Vanderbilt Summer
Olympics
If I've piqued your curiosity and you do want to
work for us, we take writers, photographers, photo-
shop artists, copy editors, groupies, models, stalkers,
and prostitutes. We haven't had an official Slant
prostitute-in-residence for quite some time now, but
we like to refer those times as "the good ol' days."
This particular issue was put together with noth-
ing but two computers, a scanner, and a digital cam-
era. It wasn't easy, but with all of Sunday and several
bottles of wine at our disposal, we managed to make
it work.
Now, to the rest of the Vanderbilt community I
would like to say that I am going to do my best to
carry on the great Slant tradition of offending the
vast majority of you in one way or another over the
next year. If you happen to feel particularly upset
about anything we print, you can post feedback on
our website (theslant.net). For the particularly ambi-
tious among you, you can even send an e-mail to
myself or one of my staff; the addresses are also
found on the website.
Anyways, enjoy the issue. And just remember, it
takes fewer muscles to read the issue than it does to Carpentooning by Jason Carpentier
throw it away.
August 25, 2004 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTPOLITICS 5

Nashville Prepares For

Natty Light Shortage
Experts Remain Baffled By Regularity And Severity Of Drought

by COLIN DINSMORE
The citizens of Nashville, tional to the temperature, that is, as it sand minors could produce that kind
Tennessee, are busy preparing for the
annual Natural Light shortage which
got colder, less beer was available.
This idea, though, has lost credibility
of a shortage is utterly ridiculous,"
Macalester stated matter-of-factly. Mysterious
Drinking On
has plagued the city since the brand in recent years. Economics professor Nashville mayor Bill Purcell has
of beer was introduced in 1977. The John Macalester explains, "It was considered creating beer kitchens in
cyclical Natty-drought begins in late thought that worsening weather order to ration and distribute what
August and lasts, without fail, until
the middle of May.
affected production and output of the
beer, not to mention how reliably it
little Natural Light can be found and
purchased to his thirsty populace. The Rise!
Concerned was shipped. The Alexi Petrov, Russian immigrant,
beer drinkers past few years, how- likens the situation to the many hard-
have been ever, the weather has ships he faced in Soviet Russia, many Consumption
hoarding their remained summer- years ago. "There were shortages of
beverage of like through bread, heating oil, many things. But
choice into September and the always in winter." Petrov remembers.
private stock- winters have been While the annual shortage shows
piles to see relatively mild, yet no signs of being solved anytime
them through the shortage contin- soon, locals are learning to live with
the winter for ues - August to May. the problem. Vanderbilt economics
several weeks. As of late it's even professors, in fact, are using the
"Normally gotten worse. I have annual shortage as a textbook exam-
Natty is easy no explanation." ple of demand-pull inflation. "As long 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003
to come by, When the as the shortage continues, we might
just drive drought was first as well make use of it," said Explanations
down to the documented in the Vanderbilt economics professor
local Mapco and pick up a twelve- early eighties, it was suggested that Stephen Buckles. "Still, I feel the
pack," Natural Light drinker Buck the increased population of the city, answer is right in front of me,"
Anderson explained. "But from about the returning college students, could Buckles continued. "Oh well, I have
the-tail end of August through the account for the shortage. After fur- to go teach a class." He then left to
Winter and Spring it's damn near ther research, though, this was address his visibly hungover students.
impossible to find." deemed unlikely. The college stu- Perhaps one day these same stu-
Theories as to the forces behind dents accounted for less than 1% of dents will finally solve the mystery
this mysterious shortage abound. the increase in population, but and explain this seemingly unsolvable
Many once believed that the avail- Natural Light consumption increased problem.
ability of Natty was directly propor- 4,183%. "The idea that several thou- 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003
 6 SLANTNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004

Dollar Falls, Stares Angrily International Student Takes

At Sidewalk Crack Honor Code Seriously
by DAVID BARZELAY ference, The Dollar stated that it real- by JOSEPH MATTING ly covers up her lab quizzes so no one
izes that when it falls, its effects are can even think about copying. Once I
The Dollar suffered a nasty spill not isolated and it tends to bring Though many Vanderbilt students was getting our group's lab results
Monday, tripping over a crack in a friendly currencies down with it. One consider Vanderbilt's Honor Code from her paper and she got this crazy
dilapidated sidewalk and staring example is that of The Argentinian merely a defunct formality, interna- look in her eyes. She didn't say any-
angrily at it for several seconds. Peso, which was pulled down along tional student Ming Lee takes the thing but she started shaking angrily
According to eyewitnesses, however, with The Dollar during his latest tum- Honor Code very seriously. and kept staring at me with contempt.
the slightly scraped currency made a ble. Unlike the many American stu- It really freaked me out."
quick rebound, standing, brushing "I am sincerely sorry," explained dents in her classes who seem, she Professors and TA's are equally
itself off, and continuing on its jour- The Dollar. "I know that many other says, to pay little or no regard to the bothered by Ming's adherance to the
ney downhill. currencies are tied to my progress at a Honor Code, Ming considers adher- honor code, complaining that she pre-
This was not the first time, howev- fixed rate, and therefore depend on ence to the Code a matter of personal vents the average grades from rising
er, that the cracked sidewalk has my steadfastness. In the future I will pride. Why? "It's because of my strict and is an "all around brown noser"
claimed a victim. Last year, a The Yen try to walk more steadily, avoiding the upbringing," she says. and "somewhat evil."
fell victim to the uneven pavement, excessive heights which must "I was raised to hold up honor as "Jesus Christ," exclaimed Dr.
although it, unlike inevitably give way one of the highest virtues," Ming Gerald Hall, professor of mathemat-
The Dollar, man- to a long downhill explains. "Every time I think of cheat- ics. "I leave the room every once in a
aged to catch itself slide." ing, I see the face of my grandfather while, hoping to God that maybe the
before hitting the Not all, howev- and he is frowning in disapproval. I average will go up because people will
pavement. er, blamed The will never forget the time I lied to him cheat, but no, Ming Lee stands up and
The Dollar's Dollar for his recent about taking my sister's doll when I berates her fellow students for cheat-
rival, The Euro, has woes, and many was five. He told me ing. What a narc."
proved far more seek to elucidate the story of the drag- Teaching assistant
sturdy against the the conditions that on and the crane and Dan Chan also
effects of its envi- exacerbated the I have never since expressed disgust in
ronment. Upon Dollar's weakness then lied or cheat- Ming's compliance
questioning, The until the time of the ed." with the honor code.
Euro adjusted its fall. "You try mak- One of Ming Lee's Chan, a fellow inter-
monocle and clari- ing it through con- most memorable national student
fied its situation, ditions such as moments was when from China, stresses
stating "I have these without she proudly signed that her adherance
remained very col- falling," demanded her name onto the to the honor code
orful and happy Alan Greenspan. Honor Code at the has less to do with
during my jaunts "The Dow Jones has beginning of her her heritage, and
down the sidewalk been travelling a freshman year. Most more with her status
as The Dollar looks The Dollar, angry. similar route and he of the students were as a "whiny bitch."
on, green with envy trips and stumbles signing fake names, "I'm from China
over my unfettered progress." almost every other day!" complaining about too, but you don't
Local currency traders have The Chairman of the Federal the eat, or simply wondering when the see me all talking about my grandfa-
expressed alarm and concern about Reserve continued to suggest that, whole ceremony would be over, but ther and cranes and dragons and shit,"
The Dollar's recent plunge. "What if rather than pointing fingers, perhaps not Ming. "It was a very solumn said Chan. "If she didn't study all the
The Dollar had fallen and broken the community of nations should event," she remembers. "I took a lot of time, her GPA would be down the toi-
something? What if it were unable to work to repair such disastrous condi- time to sign my name, I wanted to let."
get up?" asked Peng Shan, a Chinese tions. savor the moment. The kids behind Because Ming does not cheat in
investor. "The Dollar has become too Unfortunately, until The Dollar me were making fun of me and com- her classes, she reportedly studies
unstable to count on anymore. All I regains its traditional stability, many plaining I was taking too long, but I between 10 and 15 hours per day. "I
do is worry that this clumsy currency of its friends are considering spending don't mind. When the honor council study so hard," said Ming, "because I
will fall again." more time with other currencies, expels them they won't be laughing." am an honorable student. I do not
Not blind to the problems its col- claiming that they have grown weary Ming's honorable habits sometimes care what the other students say. They
lapse caused, The Dollar promises to of the recent drama associated with annoy the other students in her class- will lead sad, unfulfilling lives." She
try to be more careful in the future. the Dollar. es. Says classmate Derrick Mason, a then proceeded to pass out on top of
During a hastily arranged press con- member of Ming's chem lab group, "I her physics book, frothing at the
just don't understand her. She careful- mouth.
August 25, 2004 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTNEWS 7

Ronnie constantly sat prompting a string of curses from

Freshman Puts Black Sock Over Doorknob So in a pool of his own
grease and rarely wore
Ronnie upon his next bathroom break.
As Ronnie moved down the hall,
Hallmates Will Think He's Having Sex a shirt. Harold attempted to see what was
"Plus, I think he was happening in the aromatic room, but
Nobody Fooled men would produce blistering) to
more exotic habits.
fighting an addiction to Viagra. I don’t
normally notice such things or look
the crafty freshman had locked his
door. Upon his return, Ronnie
Said one hallmate, who wished not down there, but the little major was unlocked the door and shortly after-
by CEAF LEWIS
to be identified, "I've lived across from standing at attention every time I saw ward placed a damp black sock on the
Rumors are flying throughout Dyer Ronnie for a few weeks now, and I've him, if you know what I mean. perpetually-covered doorknob.
Hall concerning the black sock hang- never seen anyone but him go in or Anyway, he was always horribly Upon being interviewed, Ronnie's
ing from freshman Ronnie Williams's out of that single. I have no idea; sweaty. Maybe he drowned in a pool of R.A., Stephen Brass, showed nothing
doorknob. As the fall semester has maybe a sock on a his own fluids. That but concern for his young charge's
begun only recently, speculation has doorknob means would explain the habits. "The weird thing is that he just
grown concerning the bizarrely placed different things to smell." leaves that sock there all the time.
footwear. people from other Upon being How retarded is that? There is no way
According to expert Jim Dreyser, regions. The sign on interviewed, Ronnie he could be having sex every minute of
"Girls don't go out with freshman guys; his door says that proved evasive. every day. Although, that would
it's unheard of. Most freshmen males Ronnie's from Trapped in a bath- explain the smell."
don't even get to see freshman girls Maine. Maybe he's room stall by mem- All possible causes of the Dyer
until the frats have picked the class fishing for lobsters." bers of The Slant's room's stench aside, it is generally
over. The sounds coming from his Added the hallmate, news team, he believed that a solution to the conun-
room seem authentic enough, but he’s "That would explain refused to answer drum of Williams's possible sexual
probably just watching porn." the smell." questions. He then experiences will not be discovered in
The sounds of pornography aside, As the second returned to his the near future, as many Dyer resi-
debate has raged for hours concerning day of the besocked room, the sock still dents believe Williams to possess a
just what, exactly, is happening in the door continued, the discussion began hanging from his door. nearly infinite amount of black socks.
Dyer single. Guesses have ranged from to spill into other freshman dorms. Upon hearing for the first time of Still, they watch and wait, hoping at
everything from overly frequent mas- According to Alvin Kells, a member of Ronnie's potential sexual conquests, last to solve a mystery that has baffled
turbation (although Vanderbilt scien- Williams's VUcept group, "Yeah, I fellow Dyer resident Harry McCree the beleagured Vanderbilt population
tists agree that such a strenuous regi- don't buy this whole having sex thing. removed the sock from the door, for days.

Colorado State Prison Basketball Team Awaits Kobe Verdict

by ROBERT SAUNDERS "That really broke the team's spir- However no charges were filed. "We about his role on the team. In a state-
it," said point guard Vernon Fielder could have used some size and bench ment through his lawyers, Bryant said,
The Kobe Bryant rape trial has (possession with intent to distribute). depth," said Reid. "Where I play next year is still up in
been a constant feature on Sports The team dropped to a dismal 4-11 The team may have to wait awhile the air. I will play wherever I'm treated
Center and throughout the nation's record in the six-team prison league. for Bryant, too. The Lakers guard's right and with the respect I deserve.
sports pages. But nobody is following However, the prospect of adding trial is not scheduled to start until As long as it's not the Clippers, I'm
the story more closely than the mem- Bryant, who faces 25 years to life in August and may take several months, willing to play for anyone, in any
bers the Centennial Correctional prison, promises long-term success for meaning he could miss several months league. I just want to fit in, like with
Facility/Colorado State Penitentiary's the squad, brightening the day of jail- of training camp and the first part of that white girl at the hotel."
basketball team. ers and prisoners alike. the prison's regular season. Even
That is because the maximum "I really hope this will lead to a worse, he might cop a plea or be found
security prison will become Bryant's book deal for me, maybe a movie like not guilty, thereby avoiding prison
home if convicted on the rape charges 'The Longest Yard' or 'Stir Crazy,'" said time altogether.
levied against him by a 19-year-old warden Larry Reid. "Denzel Still, the team is willing to accomo-
hotel employee. Washington is a natural to play me." date him if and when he is transferred
Once a major power, CCF's team "I was born to dish the rock, to custody. "His presence might dis-
fell on hard times when the state whether it's crack or roundball, you rupt our rotation and lead to some
stepped up its death sentences begin- know what I'm saying," said Fielder. jealousies on and off the court," said
ning in 2001, costing the team its cen- "I'm looking forward to having him fill coach and head of the prison's solitary
ter and leading rebounder, James the lane on the break. Nobody lays the confinement divison J. Lloyd Greaves.
"Hate" Williamson (double-homicide). 'oops likes I does." "But we'll work him in as best we can.
Also, former leading scorer Dontrelle The squad nearly had a bonanza on This kind of talent only comes along
"D-dog" Jamison (armed robbery, rape) its hands after University of Colorardo once in a lifetime."
was shivved in 2002. football players were accused of rape. Bryant by contrast has been quiet
 8 SLANTWORLDNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004

Sudan Crisis: West To Offer All Forms Of

Assistance, Short Of Help
US to provide righteous indignation, Europe to offer touching empathy

List Of
Unhelpful Aid
Received So Far
From America:
Thoughts, prayers.

From Canada:
Hockey sticks, tundra.

From Mexico:
Unskilled labor.

by TIM BOYD Speaking in the White House Rose that it's on the TV night after night is From Great Britain:
Garden, President Bush held up really starting to get me down. There's Best wishes.
As the crisis in the Sudan continues to America's end of the bargain. "I hereby only so much coverage of the lives of
escalate, Western governments have commit the United States to offer all the countless number of people in the From Italy:
responded to the media becoming means of assistance, to bear any bur- world who are forced to desperately Fine leather, Ferraris.
aware of a civil war they have long den and pay any price in the name of struggle to survive living in conditions
known was going on by calling on all liberty, freedom and justice" said the I can barely conceive of that I can real- From Germany:
freedom-loving nations around the President "Of course, this depends on ly watch. I prefer my reality TV a little National Socialism.
world to help the citizens of Darfur in it not causing the slightest inconven- less real."
any way they can, as long as it doesn't ience for the American public. But my However, should the media stay inter- From Taiwan:
entail any actual costs or sacrifices. adivsers tell me that it is a good idea to ested and pressure from the situation Boxes of bootleg DVDs.
Following a summit meeting of get the words 'liberty', 'freedom' and become so much that more than rhet-
European Union leaders, British Prime 'justice' into as many speeches as pos- oric is needed, Secretary of State Colin From China:
Minister Tony Blair announced that a sible before November." Powell has promised that any inter- Second-born children.
rescue package for the war-ravaged Across the Western World, there was vention will be short, violent and
Sudanese had been agreed, whereby almost limitless sympathy from the largely ineffective. "To commit ground From Japan:
the US would provide stirring calls for general public. "Oh it's forces to an unstable nation is always Schoolgirls’ panties.
action and European governments awful, just awful," said Sarah going to cost money and American
would guarantee a limitless supply of Thompson of London, England, "To lives if it has to be sustained over a From Mongolia:
heartfelt empathy. see all those people with no homes, no period of time. We can probably put Hordes.
"In a global community such as ours, running water and those children liv- up with flying in a few elite units to
the suffering of one human being ing in constant fear, it's just dreadful. blow up the odd rebel training camp, From Russia:
should be the concern of every human Of course, I'm not sure I can really but anything more than that might One space station, used.
being. It is unthinkable that we should afford to do anything about it all - I require seriously grappling with the
see such horrible suffering and yet mean, I have problems of my own - intricate web of social, economic and From the Vatican
stand idly by and say nothing" said the that second car cost me a packet, let political problems the region is facing, Indulgences.
Prime Minister "accordingly, the time me tell you. But really, you can't help and god knows where that might lead."
has come to speak out whilst standing feeling sorry Asked if he thought that this sort of From Somalia:
idly by. The time has come to commit for them. I'm sure someone else will approach would actually help get rid
Malnourishment.
ourselves to hand-wringing posturing think of a way to help them." of the problem, Powell was optimistic.
and empty rhetoric But alongside the sympathy, there are "Absolutely" he told reporters "I'll bet
From Australia:
to make it clear to those suffering also signs that people may be growing six months from now we won't be
Steve Irwin.
through this terrible crisis that they tired of news footage from the Sudan. hearing anymore about Sudan and its
are not without friends in this world, "Don't get me wrong, I sure wouldn't problems. And if we don't see it on our
From Iraq:
they are simply without any friends want to live there," said New York resi- TV screens, it must have been sorted
Thoughts, prayers.
willing to do much to help them." dent Jonathan Jackson, "But the fact out, right?"
August 25, 2004 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTFEATURES 9

I May Not Be A
When X Is Cubed
Freshman, But An Academic Love Affair
I’m Still Easy
by NATE KARSTENS guiding it toward her empty set and
by HEATHER MILIMAN so please drunk dial me sometime and Syndicated Columnist filling the set with his solutions.
Junior Columnist I’ll demonstrate. Algebra, geometry, trigonometry; all
We really shared some special times The alleyway was dark. But, then became clear to her as the math simpli-
Okay boys, this is getting a little last year; like when you and five of again, so was fied the complex curvature of her body.
ridiculous. Freshman year, when I was your brothers gave me a tour of the every other She understood everything as she
stumbling around frat row in an alco- house--it’s amazing how many bed- alleyway on approached the peak of her ecstasy.
holic haze, you thought I was just the rooms I saw. this murky But he wasn’t done with her yet. He
hottest thing ever, yet this year, you Independent guys just don’t know November pulled two more integrals from his
blithely skip over me for the new crop how to make a special cocktail quite night. pocket and added them to the pleas-
of blondes. I thought we had some- like you do. It was totally cool of you Ordinarily she ure. He used his triple integral to pen-
thing special, but now when I try my guys to let me pass out on your couch wouldn’t have etrate the trench of her monkey’s sad-
signature stumble-into-you-and-acci- all those times; I always wondered traveled such a dle. The density equation was applied
dentally-spill-my-Beast-on-your-shoes what happened to all of my thongs, forbidding to find her one spot – the point of
move, I barely even get groped. I miss though. path to get home to her apartment, inflection. His fuzzy math caressed her
our special times together on some cig- But these days I never get attention. but that damn clown was selling bal- body. Together they explored each
arette-burned frat couch, or in my I've worked off the freshman fifteen, loons again, and so she had to use the other’s surface areas, comparing their
Kissam single (or, you and I even bought a back way. volumes and rates of change as they
know, in the bathroom or pleated Abercrombie At first she didn’t notice the man; commingled with bliss. He applied a
in a Towers elevator). skirt. To the untrained not until he was right in front of her vector field to her region, calculating
So maybe I no longer eye, I could practically be did she sense his presence. He was tall the outward flux of her fluids.
have that barely-legal a freshman! But you still and dark and seemed only to be wear- Despite their enjoyment, she knew
eighteen year-old, don't give me a second ing a long trench coat. His sudden she couldn’t take it much longer; she
straight out of high look. It's like I have a sign appearance startled her, but before she was nearing the end of her behavior
school appeal, but now on my back that says, had time to run he spread open his model. She dreaded her asymptote
I'm much more likely to "Tainted" or something. coat, revealing… even as she approached it, for it would
roll in the sheets with Now, I'm not saying “Math books!” she gasped as she mean the end of her tutoring. But as
you. Remember I lost that we have to be best gazed in wonder. “Oh! I love math she grew steadily closer to the change
more than just my new buds again, but we could books!” Then she looked whistfully of slope she found the endurance to
Gucci purse at your still see each other once into his eyes and whispered the words surpass it. She had never felt this pow-
house on move-in weekend, after all. in a while! Just a few times a year at he longed to hear: “Show me your erful before. But it was not meant to
If that doesn't do it for you, let me least, try picking me up. I mean, it math.” last. Simultaneously they screamed
tell you something else, I no longer should really be in your best interest, The math was good. Very good. The with the intense pleasure of the other’s
think oral sex is icky either. While you considering how easily you'll succeed. power of his intellect filled the alley- trigonometric substitutions. Then sud-
boys were busy spanking your new So if it’s not too much trouble, next way like a can of tear gas, piercing her denly it was over.
pledges' asses, I was perfecting my time you see me wandering along the primal reason and replacing it with the “You’re the best instructor I’ve ever
technique and learning a few new Row in my happy intoxicated state, do essence of sensuality. The z-compo- had,” she said as she stared deep into
tricks from my talented sisters in Delta me a favor and at least throw me a nent of his applied gradient vector rap- his eyes. “Thank you.” And then she
Tau. I think my phone number is still cheesy pickup line... or grab my ass. idly became positive. She swiftly walked away.
written on the wall in your bathroom, grasped the long curve of his integral,

www.theslant.net
For more info about joining, subscriptions, web-only content, staff bios, contact info, feedback, and more.
10 SLANTSAFARI The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004

Join
Lots of fun, resume boosting, social, funny, and if it’s
your first meeting, we’ll make fun of you for free!

Tuesday, 8/24, 6:30pm, Sarratt 116

Tuesday, 8/31, 6:30pm, Sarratt 116
Tuesday, 9/07, 6:30pm, Sarratt 345

Bastard Confession
PUB TRIVIA
"I can't believe
Trinity beat us out
is back again.
for least diverse and
tolerant student Most Thursdays.
Check the Pub for
body! Personally, I
blame it on the
damned Jews."
- E. Gordon Gee
details.
August 25, 2004 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTHUMOR 11

AROUND THE LOOP

SLANTHOROSCOPES
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You'll discover the partner of your dreams, only to realize
How were you that Vladimir Putin is already married.

affected by Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)

Hurricane Your worst fears will be confirmed when the grocery store has
Charley? only vanilla pudding, not chocolate.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)

After drinking a bottle of Piesporter Michelsberg Spaetlese,
you'll realize you don't want to put this issue together.
Terry Mewson, Junior Katie Flanagan, Sophomore
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You'll wake up in bed next to a very dirty hobo and tell
yourself it was a hazing ritual, when in reality, you were just
“My family lost our house. “It made my arms blow all drunk and he smelled sexy like musk.
But I think that had more around like this.”
to do with my father’s
alcoholism and non-pay- Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
ment of the mortgage.”
Think of a yes or no question. Got it? No.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)

You will learn firsthand that the tigers in the zoo do not
want be hugged.
Blacky Willis, Hobo David Barzelay, Wants Collazzi Dead

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)

Neptune being in Pisces suggests you really aren't very
“My entire shanty-town “If only it had hit New smart.
was destroyed. It was the Jersey instead of Florida,
worst thing to happen to perhaps Andrew Collazzi
us since the advent of No would have died. Ah well,
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Loitering laws.” there’s always that meteor Aries was the God of War, but you're just bitchy.
shower next month.
Maybe that’ll get him.”
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Was that coffee you drank today poisoned? You'll just have
to wait until tomorrow to find out!
Molly Evans, Freshman Aaron Marzal, Conspiracy Theorist
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
If people were plants, you'd be the sunflower, because peo-
ple pretend to like you, but deep down, you're just a weed.
“Thankfully, I was wear- “The Bush administration
ing Chanel brand smear- orchestrated that hurricane
less mascara and had used in order to shift media Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Paul Mitchell Super-Hold focus away from recent Check out the name of your sign. Bingo.
hairspray, so I was unaf- failings in Iraq policy! Do
fected by the raging winds you really think it’s a coin-
and rain.” cidence that that hurricane Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
happened at the same time Your favorite pet will die, which is sad. But... it was plot-
new allegations arose?”
ting to kill you, so really, you're fortunate.
 12 ASSPAGE The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004

Top Ten Reasons To

Ask A Summer Fling
Dear Summer Fling, Dear Pondering,
Register To Vote I made a huge mistake on my There there, don't cry my love. Don't you realize that
taxes, and now I'm being what we have had here transcends the confines of a
Show Iraqis that registering to vote is

10
audited! How will I explain monogamous relationship. After all, when you go
your patriotic duty, but it doesn't mean my harem of wives? home you'll be busy with your tribunal and all, and
you have to vote if you've got something E. Gordon Gee I'm sure you'll find a lucky guy/girl - would it really
else better to do. Dear E., be fair to him/her to be holding on to what we had?

9
The memories we've had here Let's not force this; I'll always remember you.
Bonus points in PoliSci. will last forever. Remember when we went skinny S.F.
dipping in the cove and the waters glittered under

8
With advent of electronic voting, don't the moon, highlighting the beauty and innocence of Dear Summer Fling,
miss out on opportunity to give our youth? I promise E., I will never forget you. Keep There are American soldiers storming my mosque!
L33tV0+erXX another vote. in touch! What should I do?
S.F. Muqtada al-Sadr in Morgan

7
Declaring your party affiliation to your Dear Muqtada,
parents takes you one step closer to Dear Summer Fling, OMG! I'm so sorry. It must feel like the whole world
coming out of the closet. I was watching an episode of Jackass, and I got the is toppling down. Don't worry, even though we're not
great idea to staple my balls to my leg. Jesus Christ going out anymore, we can still talk all the time. Best

6
Can influence U.S. policy on... issues and on a crucifix, it hurts like all holy hell! What should I wishes! I had so much fun!
stuff. And in so doing, improve the... you do? S.F.
know... something about the future. Stapled Crotch Guy
Dearest Crotch, Dear Summer Fling,

5 Want to be sure the right candidate is Don't worry, we can always see each other next sum- I need a date for my frat's formal, what should I do?
voted The Swan this time. mer. You were my first; and my best - I promise! The Lonely in Lewis
beauty of what we've had together will never fade in Dear Lonely,

4
my mind, and I shall always recall you fondly when I I can't believe you're already looking for somebody
"I Voted" stickers are this season's
revisit the thrills of my youth. Stay cool! else! I know we're broken up and I shouldn't be jeal-
brushed denim.
S.F. ous, but don't you think it's kinda soon for that?
S.F.

3
It says in the Bible that not voting for Dear Summer Fling,
George W. Bush is a sin, and you don't While rescuing Lithuanian refugee orphan cripples Dear Summer Fling,
want to go to h-e-double-hockey-sticks. from land mines earlier this summer, I fell and one Why did I go out with you? The sex wasn’t even that

2
of those nasty brats stole my Prada handbag. I beat good.
To pick up hot voter chicks and sex them the living hell out of that little shit, then realized I Governor Jim McGreevey in Gillette
up behind the curtains. had caught the wrong urchin, and now I'm facing a Dear Jim,
UN war crimes tribunal. My question is this...is it I have no idea, but you’ll be hearing from my

1
Get juice and cookies! What? That's for too soon to start looking for a date to winter formal? lawyers. Shalom!
donating blood? Well fuck voting, I'm Pondering Pradaless S.F.
going to the Bloodmobile.

Dearest Slant Reader,

You are cordially invited to join the staff of The Slant.
We are friendly, monied, and well-bred, and our meetings are
social events the likes of which this town seldom sees. You’re
sure to meet a future Mr. or Mrs. Slant Reader. So, come join
us for mint juleps and various cookies. Tuesdays, 6:30pm,
Sarratt 116.
Sincerely yours,
Colin Dinsmore,
Editor-in-Chief