GIN LANE

A new play
by
Sherman Yellen

Draft of 2024
[email protected]
 CHARACTERS

ELIZABETH (BETH) HAMILTON GRAUER, an attractive woman in her early forties, heiress,
and administrator of a family foundation.

DAVID GRAUER, her husband. A real estate developer.

MARGARET (MUFFIE) PEABODY, Beth’s longtime friend. Trust fund baby for life.

CHARLES EINHORN, Beth’s former college professor, public television personality.

JERRY GABLE, a so-called business "friend" of Beth’s husband.

The play takes place during the Labor Day weekend of 2016 in Southampton on the flagstone
terrace of the Long Island mansion of Beth Grauer on Gin Lane, and in the same place the
following April.
AT RISE – the flagstone terrace of the Hamilton Mansion on Gin Lane in Southampton, on a late
summer morning. The terrace is furnished with antique wicker chairs, chaise, floral chintz
cushions, and large potted plants, agreeable, and flooded with light, offering a distant view of a
marsh pond, a wood shingled windmill, a beach and the ocean beyond. There is a canvas
awning overhanging part of the terrace with a TV set on a table.

DAVID GRAUER, a well tanned, handsome man in his middle forties lies on the wicker chaise,
shirtless, in tennis shorts, resting his back against a heating pad, drinking directly from a soda
can, watching television. David has the build and bearing of an athlete at rest. He studies the
television screen intently, holding the case of the DVD in his hands. +On the screen we. see a
montage of a fire breathing sea monster, dissolving into antique maps with allegorical symbols,
Elizabethan galleons and bearded explorers. Over these images we hear a male voice, narrating
in an impeccable Oxbridge accent.

EINHORN

The desire to penetrate the region of the unknown, to probe the unconscious - that is what excited
the Elizabethan imagination. They lived on the edge of an ever- expanding physical and mental
world. In this world everything was possible. Of course, they believed in the ghost in Hamlet –

The picture on the screen shifts to that of the narrator, atop the battlements of Elsinore.

- and so did its creator. How exciting such a world was to the imagination; invisible - intangible,
yet capable of being sensed, felt on the nerves and the roots of the brain, for the Elizabethans
were possessed by the desire to know, to attain power through knowledge. The world of
Gertrude's sexuality and the world of the murdered ghost were not separate entities but --

MARGARET 'MUFFIE' PEABODY, an attractive woman of forty in a loose cotton ethnic skirt,
art jewelry and frizzed reddish hair, embraces the reclining David.

MUFFIE
David. Don't bother to get up.

(David lets out a cry of pain as she embraces him)

What's wrong?

DAVID

My back. I threw it out two days ago.

MUFFIE
Tennis or tension? The way you play it's all the same, isn't it?

She picks up bottle of pills, studies them in disgust

DAVID
Put down those pills!

MUFFY
(shocked)
Valium? They gave you valium? It only masks the symptoms, so you can actually get worse!

(she places the valium in her handbag and comes up with

Two of these Motrin will put our Humpty Dumpty back together again.

DAVID
(reaching for her open handbag as she exchanges pills)

Give me those pills back

. MUFFIE
(thrusting pill in his open mouth)

Take one now. How’d it happen?

DAVID

I threw it out playing tennis at the benefit party.

MUFFIE
(accusing)

What ben-e-fit party?

DAVID
The one you weren’t invited to. The one Beth gave for Jimmy Carter and the Habitat for
Humanity.

MUFFIE
(excited)

Who was there?

DAVID
Everyone. Except for Mona Mason.

MUFFIE
I thought that she and Beth were thick as thieves.

DAVID

They were until Mona let it slip that she voted for Trump. The rest were all MFH.

MUFFIE

What?

DAVID

Mourners for Hillary.

MUFFIE
Who else was here?

DAVID
Charles Einhorn.

MUFFIE
Einhorn, here?

DAVID

The main attraction.

MUFFIE

Marvelous. At Bennington I majored in Einhorn. Ask Beth! I knew he was sexy and smart
and dangerous years before the rest of the world found him on television.

(she goes over to screen and plants a kiss on Einhorn’s frozen

Loved that man hated that series. Big deal. The Elizabethans believed in ghosts and liked to
fuck. Who doesn't? Still, just the thought of seeing him makes me want to live again. You can't
imagine what this month has been like for me.

DAVID
Oh, but I can, so don't bother to tell me.

MUFFIE

Sweetie, I didn't barge in to bore you with my troubles. I'm here to see Beth and bore her.

DAVID
Muffie, didn't you see the sign? No vacancy.
 MUFFIE

Bullshit! You've got at least seven bedrooms.

DAVID
Filled with two children, Einhorn, and Lisette, the au pair. I'll have Lisette call the inn.

MUFFIE
The inn is booked. Don't you think I tried there first?

DAVID
Maybe there's been a cancellation.

MUFFIE
You don't imagine I'd come here uninvited on a Labor Day weekend unless I was in a bad way?

DAVID
You're always in a bad way!

MUFFIE
(desperately)
Sanford Kaminski left me.

DAVID
Who?

MUFFE

That Polish poet I've been living with for the past six months. You met him at my Christmas
party. I always invite you to my parties.

DAVID
Sure. Fifty, with the droopy eyelid and the limp?

MUFFIE

No! Twenty-eight with the spike haircut and the Guggenheim. Of course, he didn't have the
Guggenheim when he moved in with me. I called in all my markers to get him that grant. Once
he got it -- surprise, surprise, he splits! Poets are such pigs. Only stock brokers have souls
nowadays. You do, David, you do!

DAVID

I'm, not a stock-broker. I'm a real estate developer. Forgive those dirty words – Since Trump I
call myself an architectural entrepreneur.

MUFFIE
You know what I mean. You’ve suffered.

DAVID
I don't! Right now, I'm just a bad back with an overwhelming impulse to strangle you for coming
here without warning.

MUFFIE
There's more to you than a bad back. I have always admired your sensitivity. Beth knows how to
pick her husbands.

DAVID

She's only had two.

MUFFIE
Well I knew the first and there's no contest between you. He was better looking, his face had
such wonderful angles and his body was sheer poetry, and in that little black speedo he used to
wear at the beach you could see he was hung like a horse, but he was nowhere near as sweet and
as smart as you.

DAVID
Muffie, we will not have you here for the weekend. The girls are back from camp today and ---

MUFFIE
David, I can't take any more rejection.

DAVID
Then don't put yourself in its way.

MUFFIE
I'm trying to save my life.

DAVID

And you figure you'll accomplish that by spoiling ours?

MUFFIE
Why don't we let Beth decide that?

DAVID

Because we both know that Beth is too fucking kind for her own good.

MUFFIE
She's my best friend. Who else can I turn to?

DAVID
You're not her friend. You're her karmic burden. Look, if you've got a problem, why don't you
just take it up with your group?
 MUFFIE

I quit. Couldn't bear having those smug losers telling me that I brought all my misery down upon
myself by being so selfish and demanding.

DAVID
(sarcastically)
Of course that's not true, is it?

MUFFIE

No. It isn’t. I ask less of a man than any woman I know. He doesn't even have to be potent with
me. He just has to be with me when he's with me.

DAVID
Fine. But I don't want to know all that.

(The phone rings, David picks it up)

No, Jerry, I can't speak with you now. I have a guest here. I'll call you later. Of course, I will.
Just hang in there.

MUFFIE
Well that's nice. You called me a guest. We're making progress. Now who's Jerry?

DAVID
A business associate.

MUFFIE
Cute?

DAVID
No. Not cute.

MUFFIE
Of course Jerry could be Geraldine? Don't tell me anything about her. I'd be obliged to tell Beth.
After all, my first loyalty goes to her.

DAVID

Look, we can't have you here unless you confine your craziness to your own life.

MUFFIE
You don't have much compassion for me, do you? Why?

DAVID
Why? You're disgustingly rich. You're not bad looking. You have some talent for painting.
And you can always buy a first-class ticket out of any place you're stuck in. Why the fuck you
should be in such agony all the time defies me!
 MUFFIE
What snobbery! Don't belittle my despair. I can't work. I don't sleep. I've been wandering about
the city like a bag lady ever since Kaminski split.

David is about to put on the t.v. again, but Muffie takes the remote from his hand, places it inside
the v of her tee shirt, making him a captive audience

MUFFIE

In my daze I wandered over to the Rosenswieg and saw that I hadn't sold a painting from my
current show. Not one. Usually, my lawyer buys a little one, a cheap one, but even Murray didn't
do it this time. And next door, at the Frumpkin, Muriel Whelan had red dots under every fucking
canvas, like a lovely case of measles. She started painting years after me. I was choking with
jealousy and rage. So I went to Bloomies. I never go there anymore. It's too painful. All those
wonderful West African peddlers outside selling fake Movado watches, Prada knockoffs, and
splintery African masks. My heart goes out to them. I can't buy their hideous goods – it would
be too patronizing to buy what I didn’t like but who can turn away from those frightened white
eyes in those beautiful black faces. You understand?

DAVID

No. I don't.

MUFFIE
This city is in deep shit and so am I! Have you walked down the street and tried to avoid looking
into the eyes of the maniacs wandering everywhere, and suddenly you catch a glimpse of the
maddest face you've ever seen and you realize that it's your own reflected in a shop window?
Have you ever---

DAVID
(interrupting)
Muffie, I know what you're doing. You think I'll change my mind if you wear us down
but you're mistaken.

MUFFIE
(ignoring him)
Like you, David, I have courage. I knew I was having a breakdown so I was determined to fight
it with whatever weapons at hand. So, I risked everything and entered the store. First, I had to
pass through that armed guard of morticians spraying perfume on the rotting corpse of the Upper
East Side. By the time I reached Estee Lauder, I'd had my makeup redone four times. My face
was so caked with pancake and blush I could have made a decent living setting up a booth and
selling from my cheeks. And all those awful spectators gaping at you as you're being made over
and over and over. And then I ran into your mother. Want to hear about that?

DAVID
No.
 MUFFIE
Forty-minute gap in my narrative as your mother and I chatted about you.

DAVID
Muffie, go home!

She lets out a moan of despair.

MUFFI

You have no real sense of what I'm going through. It's like my life was a scrabble game and I
picked all vowels. Not a god damned consonant in sight. Nothing to make a sensible word with.
I turn in my tiles, lose my turn, or I'm just condemned to an eternity of a-e-i-o-u--

(She combines all the vowels in a heart wrenching cry)

Where's Beth? I've got to see Beth. Beth will want to know about Kaminski.

DAVID
I think you overestimate its news value.

MUFFIE
Are you going to tell me where she is or must I institute a search?

DAVID
She's unpacking the girl’s stuff. They just got home from camp and I don’t want them --

MUFFIE
I'll be good. I just need support from my friends.

DAVID

Well I'm not your friend and I can't give it to you.

MUFFIE
Why?

DAVID
Why? Don't you know you're a demanding, selfish, uncaring woman, locked in her own self
created misery. You say whatever comes into your head, not because you're honest, but because
you’re too lazy to censor your thoughts.

MUFFIE
But you do like my paintings? I’ve brought my slides just in case you wanted to buy one.

David begins to laugh.

DAVID
Beth warned me never to cross swords with a hundred-million-dollar trust fund. Okay, Muffie, I
give in.

MUFFIE

And well you should. I’ve always been a friend to you. Why when Beth told me she was
marrying an ex-con – a convicted embezzler I didn’t say “Be careful, darling.” I said “Go for it.
He seems to be such a fine man – so much in love with you, and nothing like a year or two in the
slammer to---

DAVID

It was Danbury, and I only served six months. But it taught me how to protect myself from the
crazies. And Muffie, you may not know it but you have already outstayed your welcome. You
can go quietly, unharmed if you leave before Beth comes down. I won't kill you! But go now
before I change my mind.

BETH Hamilton Grauer enters. She is a beautiful woman in her early forties. She carries a
child's denim laundry bag. She sees Muffie, who begins to weep, and embraces her.

MUFFIE
Thank God, you're here!

BETH

Muffie. Calm down now.

DAVID
Pay no mind to her Beth. She’s only dislodging a fur ball.

MUFFIE
Oh, Beth --- if you only knew what I've been through--.

BETH
(reeling it off)
Kaminski? The group? The art show? Bloomies? And now David?

MUFFIE
How like you to know without my having to say --- you're positively psychic.

BETH

No. I just picked up your phone messages. Put your things in the attic guest room. Einhorn's in
your usual room.

MUFFIE
(giggling)

Well, with any luck, we can share it. I always loved your cast-off clothes and your cast-off
lovers more than my own.

DAVID
Beth, do you know what you're doing?

BETH
Yes. We can hardly send her away David.

MUFFIE
Where's Einhorn?

BETH
He's taking a walk on the beach.

MUFFIE
Do you think he'll remember me from Bennington?

BETH
Possibly.

MUFFIE

There were so many girls throwing themselves at him, how could he notice me?

BETH
(wickedly)
But you were the only one who sat in the front row of his Shakespeare course in a long sheer
cotton skirt without panties. You used to stand up and stretch so the light shone through it.

MUFFIE
(proudly)
I did, I did! But swear you'll never tell Pandora.

BETH
Why would I ever tell your child? It's our secret. Go freshen up and then later, we can join him
for a swim. Go easy on Einhorn. You know his wife died less than a month ago.

MUFFIE
I'm prepared to wait the proper period of mourning before I eat him alive. That should be at least
twenty minutes. So how was Jimmy Carter?

BETH
So nice. So boring. And a little rank. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich that’s been sitting out
in the sun too long. But his cause is so good.

MUFFIE
I almost forgot. I bought a ton of goodies from Zabars for the weekend. It's rotting in the car.
You want to send the kraut to fetch it?

BETH
Lisette is not a servant. And she’s Swedish. If you don’t mind bring it into the kitchen yourself.

MUFFIE
You know, it's really an affectation to have a house this size and no live in servants. Well, we all
have our little pretensions, don't we? Even so, yours are always so rigorous and correct. See you
as soon as I freshen up for Einhorn. And try to find out who the mysterious Jerry is?

She exits into the house. Beth laughs, looking after her. Beth picks up the laundry bag and
carries it towards David.

BETH

I know. But what choice did I have? She's in real trouble.

DAVID
Don't you ever get fed up with her?

BETH
All the time. Believe me she wasn't that different at seven in Miss Hewitt's classes. Why, in the
third grade she ---

DAVID
(He holds up his hand to silence her)

No. No. No. No. It's bad enough having her here for the rest of the weekend. Let's not talk about
her now.

BETH
David, you're an angel. I know what an irritant she can be.

(jesting)

But since you're already in pain she can't do much more harm, can she? I'll do my best to keep
her out of your way.

DAVID
(eagerly)
So what happened at camp? How'd they do?

BETH
Not so fast. Who's Jerry?

DAVID.

Business client.
 (a beat)

We've got this situation that you should --

She puts her arms around him, embraces him.

BETH
No situations till after lunch. Having Muffie surprise us is enough of a situation for me now.

DAVID
Ouch!

BETH

Sorry, still bad?

DAVID
I'll be okay!

BETH
Don't be a martyr.

DAVID
Okay. Let's book a flight to Lourdes. If the Blessed Virgin can't heal my back, maybe she can
cure my backhand. How was the last day of camp? The girls were so busy they didn’t tell me
anything.

BETH
It was a triumph! I’ll show you.

Beth reaches into the cloth camp duffle bag and takes out some papers protected by a crushed
cardboard folder, tied with red wool. She finally fishes out a bright, beribboned medal.

BETH

Anna won this ribbon for swimming.

DAVID
What prize did she take? First? Second? Third?

BETH
Finishing. Just finishing.

DAVID
Well that's great. She could hardly float when she started this summer. How'd Melanie do?

BETH
Best attendance award. Never wiggled out of an activity she hated. And she hated them all.
 DAVID
(defensively)
So they're not such great athletes. They're very creative.

BETH
Very. Look at these

Beth opens the cardboard folder and hands him a half dozen drawings and poster paint
creations. He studies them smiling, admiring.

DAVID
Now aren't these the greatest? You gotta have them framed.

BETH
(firmly)
No, David. They’ll get pinned to the refrigerator door with a magnet.

DAVID
(protesting)

But they'll think we don't admire them.

BETH
No chance of that with you for a father. Melanie’s cheek is still red from where you kissed her
hello.

She places her arms around him and looks at the pictures over his shoulder. David studies one,
perplexed.

DAVID

Hey, you got the wrong pictures. These are by someone named "Moosie."

BETH
That was Melanie's nickname at camp.

DAVID
(protesting)
She doesn't look like a moose.

BETH
Anna is called Mousie and she doesn't look like a mouse. The girls at camp give each other these
animal names. Don't ask me why?

DAVID
These things stick like crazy glue if you're not careful.
 BETH
By the time they marry they'll be Melanie and Anna Grauer again.

(suddenly serious)

You know I'd love them both to marry in this house. Daddy wanted it used for happy occasions.

DAVID
Honey, they didn't know your father.

BETH
They know him through this house. He wanted it filled with joy. And it has been. Thank you.

DAVID
So, when is Einhorn leaving for New York?

BETH
We invited him for the three-day weekend. I can’t ask him ---

DAVID

Why not? The fundraiser is over. And we could use a little privacy.

BETH
(protesting)
Privacy? With Muffie here?

DAVID
You like having him around, don’t you?

BETH
David, the man's sixty if he's a day. You couldn't think that --

DAVID
I sure could. Do you have any idea of how much I love you?

BETH

Yes. And it pleases me immensely.

She kisses him.

BETH
You’re really upset that I invited Einhorn for Labor Day?

DAVID
No. He's a great guest.

(jesting)
Talks kinda funny, but he makes up for it by playing lousy tennis.

BETH
Why was it necessary for you to throw out your back destroying him on the court?

DAVID
Kept the man humble, that way his audience will always love him. Nothing worse than an
intellectual who's a great athlete or thinks he is.

BETH
You're not really jealous?

DAVID

Jealous? Me? Just because my wife had a torrid affair with the guy when she was in college?

BETH

Twenty years ago.

DAVID
And decides to call him up out of the blue years later and invite him for the Labor Day weekend?
Is that a cause for jealousy? Murder? Maybe, but jealousy, never.

BETH
It wasn't out of the blue.

DAVID
You mean you been planning it for awhile?

BETH

Yes. I want him for the Hamilton Foundation board.

DAVID
Look, Beth. I have a perfect right to be jealous. Your judgment in men is terrible. Shit, you
married me, didn't you? Against everyone's good advice.

BETH
I happen to love you.

DAVID
What does that signify? For years I've been so easy to love, I've even loved myself.

BETH
That proves you've got excellent judgment.

(a beat)
What do you think of our roof?

DAVID
I don’t. Does it need repairs?

BETH
No. We had it re-shingled five years ago. Do you recall that roly-poly social worker who came
to the Obama fundraiser?

DAVID
No

BETH

Small, late fifties, with short grey hair, a sweat stained sundress, and flabby freckled teacher's
arms? Well, she looked askance at the roof and noted that it lacked solar paneling. Then she
glanced at Daddy’s old Bentley in the garage and warned me about the size of my carbon
footprint! Made me feel like a selfish giant stumbling about, sucking up the air from generations
to come. But I can’t put those ugly solar panels on our roof. The thought of it makes me crazy.

DAVID
You're a saint. All saints are a little crazy.

BETH
Yes. St. Cecilia of the cellulite. God I hate growing old.

(She looks at him, aware of his own distress)

Darling, I'm sorry. Are you alright when you're lying down, or does it hurt all the time?

DAVID
All the time. But it's not my back.

BETH

Still those San Diego Condos?

DAVID
It's tearing me apart. I really screwed up.

BETH
(placing her arms around his shoulders)
Not to worry. Daddy had a half dozen business reversals in his lifetime and he always came out
on top. I’ve got to throw some of their camp clothes in the machine before lunch. If cleanliness
is next to godliness our daughters are atheists.

DAVID
Beth, I do want to have some time alone with you today. Just sneak away and meet me upstairs
before lunch. We’ve got something to discuss --

BETH
(teasing, sly)

Talk? What about your back? Okay but first I promised I’d brush Melanie’s hair. It’s a tangle
of seaweed. Later.

She exits into the house. David picks up his cell phone. Hits button.

DAVID
Jerry, David. No, not okay. I haven't had a chance to speak with her about it. I thought I'd have
some time today --- but the girls just got back from summer camp and we have guests. I'll get to
as soon as I can. Look Jerry, don't threaten me. I said I'll take care of it, and I will! Goddamn
you, don't take that tone with me. I honor my commitments. I always have. No, you cannot
come here. Stay in your motel and I'll try to meet with you later. I can't now. I've got this back
problem. It may be a day of two before --Jerry I...

He snaps the phone shut, angrily, suddenly begins to weep. Pulls himself together as he sees
Einhorn approach. He’s a handsome man in his late fifties, wearing a wet swim suit, and
toweling his thick hair. He holds a pair of sneakers in his hand.

EINHORN

Now that was refreshing. I haven’t had a swim in the ocean in years.

DAVID
Meet any sea monsters?

EINHORN
The only monsters I spotted this weekend were land creatures. But not a fire breather in the lot.
How are you doing? Beth told me you hurt your back.

DAVID
Yes. But I’m getting better. I should be fine when we finally have this house to ourselves by
tomorrow.

EINHORN
David, we don’t really know each other, do we? Just a hello and a handshake and now I’m
soon to leave.

DAVID
Oh but I know you, Professor. From your series. Very impressive.

EINHORN
Beth never mentioned me?
 DAVID
Not until she decided to invite you here. Of course, she told me all about you years ago – her big
college romance. She called you a “rite of passage.” Something every college girl has to
experience – or was it endure?

EINHORN
And I was hoping to be a ghost from the past.

DAVID
This house has its ghosts, but you’re not one of them. Excuse me.

Muffie enters. As she speaks David makes his exit from the terrace into the house.

MUFFIE
Professor Einhorn, how wonderful to see you again.

She extends her hand, he puts down his sneaker to shake hers, but she doesn’t take his hand,
picks up his sneaker and holds it close to her breast.

EINHORN
Again? Do we know each other?

MUFFIE
You don't remember me, do you?

EINHORN
Sorry, should I? You are?

MUFFIE
Guess!

EINHORN
The affiliate dinner for PBS?

MUFFIE
No, I'm not in television.

EINHORN
Well that's refreshing. Everyone is nowadays. What do you do when you're not playing guessing
games?

MUFFIE

Depends on who you ask. I call myself a professional artist. But ask David Grauer, and he'll
tell you I'm a full-time volunteer, working in the interests of hell.
 (Einhorn laugh)

Big, big hint. Bennington College, class of 98?

He shakes his head.

MUFFIE
Elizabethan Drama 211.

(proudly)

You gave me an A minus on my paper on Hamlet's father's ghost. "Original, insightful, but
disgracefully disorganized.

He shrugs, still failing to recognize her.

MUFFIE
Bigger hint. I was Beth's best friend.

EINHORN
Beth had so many best friends. Look, I do hate guessing games.

MUFFIE
Okay, one last little hint.

She turns downstage facing him, lifts her skirts, then drops them.

EINHORN
(recalling her at once)
Margaret Ann Peabody, Muffie, of course. Are you staying here with the Grauers?

MUFFIE
Yes, through the weekend.

EINHORN
How could I have missed you before?

MUFFIE
Easy, I wasn't invited for the party. I'm just here for the cleanup.

EINHORN
So, you've remained friends with Beth all these years.

MUFFIE
Yes, though there was a period during her first marriage when I wasn't too welcome. Did you
know Leon Morrison?

EINHORN
No.
 MUFFIE
Actor slash documentary film maker. He'd spent tons of Beth's personal money making this film
of people entering and leaving the Lexington IRT subway at 77th Street. Just the feet of course.

EINHORN
A short subject?

MUFFIE
Two fucking hours of climbing and descending feet. I was invited to the screening. Afterwards at
the Q and A everyone was gushing about the important statement Leon had made about class,
race, and city life. Leon’s only concern was that the title "Working Feet," didn't tell the whole
story. So he asked for some suggestions from the audience for a new title. Always ready to help a
fellow artist, I offered "The Emperor's New Sneakers."

EINHORN
(laughing)
I like that.

MUFFIE
He didn't. So Beth kept me at a safe distance till after their divorce. But David's different. Truth
is, I think he really likes me. I know I adore him.

EINHORN
Do you?

MUFFIE
Why not?

EINHORN
He doesn't strike me as adorable.

MUFFIE
That's cause you're still in love with Beth, aren't you?

EINHORN
I think I'll go inside and shower now. May I have my sneaker?

MUFFIE
(still clinging to sneaker)

Can’t I have this to keep? I would have it cast in bronze and treasure it always.

Beth enters, looks at Muffie holding the sneaker, takes it from Muffie's hand, returns it to
Einhorn, and turns to Muffie.

BETH
Muffie, behave yourself. Elsewhere.

MUFFIE
I'll be back as soon as I've changed into something less comfortable. See you later, Professor.

She leaves. Einhorn, bewildered, amused, looks at Beth.

EINHORN
Is she always like that?

BETH
I would have warned you about Muffie, but she just showed up uninvited. I hope she didn't --

EINHORN
She didn't.

BETH
Good. Well? Did you think it over?

EINHORN
Yes. I did. Carefully. I’d love to help you out. But…sorry. I'm overextended as it is. There’s
just too much ---

BETH
--- on your plate? I hate people with too much on their plates. All that bragging about a dish of
busy-ness. Charles, I need your help, so please finish dinner and clean your plate.

EINHORN

Beth, I wouldn't have the time to read all those grant proposals let alone the writing samples. I
couldn't in good conscience take on more work now.

BETH
What about doing it in bad conscience? I'll get you a reader. All you'd have to do is look over the
applications of the finalists.

EINHORN
Sorry. Really sorry.

BETH
So am I. Art and Literature are the only lifeline we have since that porcine chiseler became
President. He should be out rooting for truffles, not sitting in the oval office. Do you know that
my father knew JFK and was offered a post in the cabinet, but he refused. He didn’t want to take
on any task that might keep him too busy and away from home when mother died.

EINHORN
I didn't tell you but the BBC asked me to prepare a new series on the Victorians and I'll need to
devote myself to it full time for the next six months in London.

BETH
Well then, good luck with it. I envy you six months in England. I haven't been back to Europe
in years.

EINHORN
What kept you?

BETH
I had the children late – ten years after David and I married. Once they came along, I preferred
spending summers here, and winters in the city. With them. We planned a trip to Paris as a
family five years ago but one of the girls came down sick. And when we finally had the time
David was in the middle of some new business venture.

EINHORN
Come to England with me next week.

BETH

Oh, but I'd love to.

EINHORN
Then do it.

BETH
Can't possibly. David's in no shape to travel. And the girls start school again in two weeks.

EINHORN
I'm not asking your family. I'm asking you. We could send for the girls as soon as we found a
place that suits us. There are great schools in London and ---

BETH

You're being outrageous.

EINHORN
I don't think so. You’re bored. Discontented. Why else all these good works?

BETH

Charlie, I asked you here as bait, to help raise money for a worthy cause, and to see if I could get
you to sign on for the foundation's board. That was all I had in mind.

EINHORN
Was it Beth?
He kisses her, she doesn't break away and when she does, she laughs.

BETH
Funny, you were much more discreet when your wife was alive. And we were protecting her
feelings.

EINHORN
Sorry, I gave in to my impulse.

BETH
Didn't you always? But don’t apologize, I liked it.

EINHORN
I'm glad.

BETH
Reminds me of the "Dipper Mouth Blues."

EINHORN
What?

BETH
The way you work that mouth of yours. Louis Armstrong without the trumpet and the
handkerchief. No wonder I was so crazy about you.

EINHORN

You're still angry with me, aren't you?

BETH
Why would I be angry with you? You did what you thought right.

EINHORN

It wasn't right, it was just easy.

BETH
Sometimes easy is right.

EINHORN
How do you dispose of a childless, middle-aged woman who was fighting cancer, and go off
with the beautiful nineteen-year-old heiress to a great shipping fortune? I couldn't deal with what
the world would think of me, or worse, what I would think of me. Minna knew about us. Our
affair changed everything.

BETH
Come now, I wasn't the first, Charlie.
 EINHORN
No.

BETH
Or the last?

EINHORN
No.

BETH
So we all went on with our lives.

EINHORN
Some of us better than others.

BETH
You're not really complaining, are you? How many college professors become cultural icons.
Your program, your books, your ---

EINHORN
That was Minna. She arranged all of it. Poor Minna. Even when the money starting pouring in
from the books and the lecture tours she couldn't spend it.

BETH
Believe me there are thousands of people out there who will gladly assist you in spending it. I
speak from long experience. My first husband had this habit of mentioning European
philosophers, especially Ludwig Wittgenstein every time he wanted to hit me up for more money
for his films.

EINHORN

You're joking, surely?

BETH
No. He flaunted his cultural references like a beggar exposing his sores to tourists for alms.
When I refused to support his film habit any longer with my personal income, he asked me to
give him a grant from the foundation. Of course I couldn't do that.

EINHORN

Why not? What's another bad film in a world of bad films?

BETH
My father set up the Hamilton Foundation as a family trust. That meant we were to provide
funds to the worthiest causes and the most gifted artists we could find. And my husband wasn't
one of them.

EINHORN
Is that what you told him?

BETH
No. I wanted to kill him, not wound him. I held my tongue and got a divorce. And vowed never
to get involved with another artist.

EINHORN
So that explains David.

BETH
No it doesn't.

EINHORN
What does?

BETH
He's a remarkably good man. And I happen to love him very much.

EINHORN
You’ve nothing in common. Oh, that can be exciting for awhile but the years takes the shine off
that. Other than sharing a love for your daughters I don’t see—

BETH
We’ve plenty in common. I met David a few months after he was released from prison. We
were both volunteers who went to Alaska to help with the cleanup after the Exxon Valdez spill.
We met at the coast guard station where they were teaching us to save the dying oil-soaked birds.
He was a genius at it. Took to it right away. I saw more rescued birds fly off his hands than
anyone else who was there. I said to him, I want those hands to touch me – and maybe I can fly
too.

EINHORN
You didn’t.

BETH
Of course not. But I thought it. And it never takes me long to transform a thought into an action.
As you may recall.

EINHORN
Pretty story. But today? He's just another businessman with a bad back and a frenzy to win. The
oil-soaked birds are gone and what are you left with?

BETH
Two young daughters. And a great deal of love.
 EINHORN
Romantic love?

BETH
Call it that if you like. I suppose it is what we have for each other.

EINHORN
You think that's a state of nature? It's just a modern convention. The Greeks and Romans never
spoke of love as we do. Nobody honored love till the eleventh century when some French
troubadours invented it to dignify court adultery. A word to cover men and women fucking to the
sound of lutes and sighs. It's a cultural phenomenon, born in time, and it will die in time.

BETH
It seems to have a greater chance for survival than you think, Charlie.

EINHORN
Do you really believe that your romantic love can survive Gangsta Rap? No, Beth, the end time
is almost upon us. It's nearly over for love as we know it.

BETH
Then why do you bother with it, Charlie?

EINHORN
I'm not offering you that. Just good company. Talk. Sex. Laughs.

BETH
My God, Charlie, you can't stop the shop talk, can you? Teach and seduce? It's like a facial tic.

EINHORN

That hurt.

BETH
Sorry, I'm not your student any longer. Or your lover.

EINHORN
You haven’t changed in all these years.

BETH
Then I must have been a sight at twenty.

EINHORN
You’re fishing, and it’s unworthy of you. I never stopped caring for you. Hardly a day went by
when I haven't thought of you, with regret.

BETH
Pining away? Sighing, to the sound of lutes? Sounds like a plea for romantic love.

EINHORN
It is. I lied. Anything to get you to listen to me. Don't close your mind to my offer. We could be
so happy in England. Don't put me off too long. Christ, I'm fifty-five.

BETH
Fifty-nine, probably sixty.

EINHORN
You're a slave to the truth, Beth. That's a dangerous bondage. I suppose your answer is no as in
n-o-w?

BETH
N as in never, Charlie.

EINHORN
Poor David. Unlucky bastard.

BETH
Wrong! Rich David. Fortunate David.

EINHORN
Beth, I’ve seen it happen so often. Indeed, it happens to me time and again. You put a man on a
pedestal and soon enough he’s on the shelf. I should leave for the city soon.

BETH

And start the search for my London replacement?

EINHORN
I find it hard to travel alone, these days. And good companions are getting harder to find.

Muffie reenters, wearing her sheer cotton skirt.

EINHORN

Beth, I promised to take your daughters to the nature preserve in Easthampton. I suppose we
should go while it’s still light. I’m going to take some pictures.

MUFFIE
Watch out for the goddamned swans. Once they waddle out of water they are as nasty as Ann
Coulter with those long necks and angry beaks. One of them chased me and tried to bite my ass
the last time I visited the preserve. Not that a little nibble on the posterior can’t be exciting from
the right person. I was Leda to that swan.
 BETH
You're making him blush like a boy.

EINHORN
Thank you, I'll settle for anything that will remind me of my youth. I suppose I should be
leaving when I get back.

MUFFIE

I thought you were staying the weekend.

EINHORN
A change of plan.

MUFFIE
I hope I didn’t drive you away, Professor. Amazing, he’s going and I haven’t even bored him
with my tale of Kaminski and the Guggenheim. I’ll catch up with you later, Professor.

He exits, a bit confused.

BETH
If you’re going to stay, make yourself useful. Help me set the table for lunch.

(Beth holds out a basket of silverware and napkins forcing

My God, don’t you even know how to set a table? Here, napkin, spoon, fork, knife ---

MUFFIE
I’m an artist. I take pride in having no domestic virtues.

During the course of the conversation Beth takes a fresh pile of garden flowers, cuts their ends,
and arranges them in a bouquet as they speak, enjoying this act immensely.

Still looks good, that Einhorn. Such beautiful hands. I didn't count one liver spot on them.
Probably has them burned off. You know David dislikes him intensely.

BETH
Did David say something to you?

MUFFIE
He doesn't have to. Just mention Einhorn’s name and he grimaces.

BETH
He's in physical pain. His back is out again.

MUFFIE
It’s not his back, it’s his psyche. I have a radar for spotting troubled people like David. When I
see a fellow despondent – that’s what I call us – not your garden variety depressives. I can spot a
potential overdose in the eyes. We never miss each other.

BETH
Muffie if something was really wrong, he'd tell me. We don't hide how we feel from each other.

MUFFIE
You think because a man tells you his feelings that he's telling you the truth. Feelings lie. Most
of them are merely exhibitionism. That’s what David told me.

BETH
In David's case it's honesty.

MUFFIE
Honesty has nothing to do with feelings! When you two came back from Alaska and decided to
marry it was clear that David had wonderful feelings --- but honesty? Please!

BETH
It's been twenty years ---.

MUFFIE
Did I tell you that I ran into his mother while I was wandering through Bloomies during my
futile search for oblivion?

BETH
No.

MUFFIE

“Mrs. Grauer, you’re looking wonderful,” says I. “Please don’t kiss me, you look like you’re
coming down with something,” says she. What she means is, “Who knows where that mouth of
yours has been down on lately.”

(Beth laughs)

Then she invites me to eat yogurt with her at the Forty Carrots downstairs. When she finds out I
was planning a surprise visit to you, it opened up the floodgates about the disgrace that killed his
Daddy.

BETH
The man was over eighty and diabetic. He might have died from an extra slice of birthday cake
even if nothing had happened. The fork goes there! My God –Muffie – learn the simple stuff
and perhaps the more complex matters will fall into line. Spoon there.

MUFFIE
She said she only sees the girls in the city. She won’t visit you here.
 BETH
Yes, David made a bad mistake. My God, he was keeping a whole village in Africa alive and
he’d run out of money. People were starving. So he sold some company shares that didn’t
belong to him. If she can't find it in herself to forgive David, after twenty years, I'm glad she
won’t visit here.

MUFFIE
Trust me, I took his part. I said to her, Mrs. Grauer, it was such a long time ago. He's a different
man today. And she gives me that Madam Defarge at the tumbrel look, saying, “It was like
yesterday to me,” And God strike me down, she picks up her spoon and starts working on the
yogurt I hadn’t finished.

BETH
(laughing)
You're awful. That's why I love you so much.

MUFFIE

I know. But why can't other people feel that way. Kaminski told me he hated me.

BETH
Well David really likes you.

MUFFIE
Bullshit. Just because I tell him he does doesn't make it so.

BETH

It's just that a little of you goes a very long way. You've never learned to behave.

MUFFIE
If I had a house like this I could behave. So easy to act decently when you're arranging a bouquet
of garden flowers and looking at your own great sky, your own private beach, you own old
historic windmill. Just another reason to envy you. This house. This beautiful house.

BETH

With all your money you could have bought a dozen houses just like this.

MUFFIE
Beth, people like us aren't supposed to buy houses like this. We inherit them or camp out on
friends who have.

BETH
Well this wasn't so beautiful when I inherited it. You remember that the roof was falling down,
and the gardens were a jungle and the pond was a swamp. Daddy was so old and ill his last years
he just didn't have time to keep the house up. But I always loved it so. Summers were the only
real time I ever had with Daddy, and summers meant this house on Gin Lane. All his decency,
his generosity permeates this house. I feel he's still alive when I'm here.

MUFFIE
Lucky he isn't. I doubt if he'd be so pleased with you for marrying a Jew with a prison record and
polluting the blood of the Mayflower Hamiltons.

BETH
Nonsense. He didn't care about those things. Daddy wasn't a bigot.

MUFFIE
Even the liberals were bigots in those days Beth. Not like today when it wears a red cap and is
so damned vulgar. Whatever happened to the refined bigots of our youth?

BETH
Marrying David was the wisest move I ever made. You know, people have it all wrong. They
think that our marriage rehabilitated David. Truth is, it rehabilitated me. After Leon, I couldn't
trust anyone. It was David who taught me how to trust again.

MUFFIE
Christ, he must be wonderful in bed.

BETH
That's incidental

MUFFIE

As good as Einhorn was?

BETH
You don't compare apples and oranges.

MUFFIE
So who is the apple and who is the orange?

BETH
Muffie, you didn't come here to quiz me on my past sex life. What's really wrong?

MUFFIE
Oh, Beth, I'm so scared. It's not just Kaminski going, I think I'm in the worst trouble of my life.
And I can't see a way out of it.

BETH
You're not ill?

MUFFIE
Worse. I'm broke. I've spent all my income for the year. I've even spent Pandora's school tuition.
 BETH
No, you couldn't?

MUFFIE
Couldn't I? I'm being hounded by creditors and I can't even pay my dentist. I have a number
ten lower rear left pocket in the back of my gums. Do you know what that means?

BETH
Is that bad?

MUFFIE

I'll be toothless in six months if I don't have some gum surgery soon and --

BETH
You want to borrow some money from me? You with your millions?

MUFFIE
But it's all tied up and I can't dip into principal.

BETH
Nonsense.

MUFFIE
That's the only truth that was drilled into me since childhood. My mother told me that
Cinderella's poverty came about because she dipped into her principle. You know I get a huge
check next month. So it's only for a few weeks.

BETH
How much?

MUFFIE
Twenty thousand?

BETH
That's a helluva lot for gum surgery.

MUFFIE
How much can you spare?

BETH
Five thousand. Even that will be stretching it. David says this slump has hit us like everyone
else.

MUFFIE
All right, I'll try to get by on the five thousand.
 BETH
I'll have to tell David.

MUFFIE
Why? I don't want to borrow his money, only yours.

BETH
Muffie, it's all the same now. What's David's is mine. What's mine is David's.

MUFFIE
(concerned)
You didn't put that in writing?

BETH
No.

MUFFIE
Thank God! Would you rather take it out in a small painting? It would be so much easier on
my pride? And then if I fail to pay you back you could be a patron rather than a patsy.

BETH
(threatening)
You'll pay me back within the month or I'll tell Pandora about your skirts at Bennington. Or
worse, all your adventures during our Junior year in Paris. My God, you were so reckless. How
I admonished you and admired you for it.

MUFFIE
Keep your mind off the past darling.

BETH
Easy to say. I've got a confession to make. I miss school. Or is it just that I miss being young?
Time has stopped moving slowly in measured steps. Now, when it’s not flying, it’s so full of
shocks. When I saw how big the girls had grown – and how full of secrets they were – I felt
cheated of these past two months. Not that I didn’t love being alone with David – when the girls
are around, he’s always so involved with their every mood – they’re a foreign language to me
these days – but he reads them fluently.

JERRY
Mrs. Grauer?

Beth looks up at him curious, not recognizing him. He’s good looking but buttoned up in a suit
and tie and very well shined shoes. He speaks very carefully, as if he learned English as a
second language, although he is clearly American.

BETH
Yes?
 JERRY
Jerry Gable.

BETH
I'm sorry. Do I know you?

JERRY

I'm a business associate of Dave's. I'm here for a meeting.

BETH
He's thrown out his back so I don't think he's able to see you now.

JERRY
Sorry.

BETH
You had better call and set up another appointment when he's up to a--.

JERRY

He's up to a meeting.

BETH

Mr. Gable. I told you that David was not ---

JERRY
Mrs. Grauer. I don't have time for this. Don't have it. Can't spare it. Too much. Too long.
Weeks ago, all of this should have been settled. He can't. So I’ve got to. You understand, don't
you?

BETH
Not a word.

MUFFIE
I think I do. You're looking for your group? Perhaps they're meeting down on the beach for the
speech therapy barbeque? They’re grilling fresh verbs and nouns out there. Don’t let them get
cold.

JERRY
Call Dave. He understands me.

BETH
Mr. Gable, I'll tell my husband that you're here. But I can't promise that he can see you.

JERRY
Had enough with promises. Need a meeting. If he won't. Tell him I will without him.

BETH
Mr. Gable. I'm not concerned with your needs. I told you my husband wasn't feeling well and I'm
busy with my guests so---

JERRY
(ominously)
Mrs. Grauer, he'll only get worse if I don't see him today.

MUFFIE
Beth, I'll find David and tell him Mr. Garble is here.

JERRY
Gable.

MUFFIE
As in Clark? The actor.

JERRY
Yes, but I prefer Gable – as in the triangular top on a building where the roof slopes meet.

He makes a pyramid with his hands.

MUFFIE

Wonderful! The roof has arrived. And it's the mysterious Jerry. I liked you better when you
were a beautiful woman and not part of a building.

BETH
If David is willing to see you, Mr. Gable you can meet with him in the library. But only if he's up
to it.

MUFFIE
You gonna be alright, Beth?

BETH
Yes. I'm fine.

Muffie exits, leaving Beth and Jerry alone. He smiles at her, looks around, nodding
appreciatively.

JERRY
Stanford White? Right?

BETH
So they say. Every large house on Gin Lane is attributed to him.

JERRY
Love those columns. And the corbels. Could be Carrere & Hastings, from the look of those
eyebrow windows? But that pediment is pure Stanford White.

BETH

You are an expert on architecture Mr. Gable?

JERRY
I know a little bit about a lotta stuff. You do, when you got a lotta time to kill.

BETH
Are you a professional time killer, or an amateur, Mr. Gable?

He looks at her, laughs, doesn't know what to make of her.

JERRY
You know, I don't like barging in like this. But he gave me no choice. What are they doing?
Using a fork lift to get him out of bed.

He moves towards the bar. Beth goes up to the terrace.

BETH

May I get you something to drink, while you wait, Mr. Gable.

JERRY

Thanks, but no, I'm A.A.

BETH
A soft drink then? Some iced tea? Lemonade?

JERRY
Wouldn't mind a classic coke, if you got one. If you don't, a Pepsi, but I need my shot of
caffeine, and I hate the taste of those sugar substitutes. Saccharine will kill you.

She goes to bar, picks up can, opens it, adds it to glass of ice. As she does this, he takes out
cigarette.

BETH
I'd rather you didn't smoke.

JERRY
Sorry. But I figured since we're outside.

BETH
Of my house. I just hate the smell of them. My father was a four pack a day smoker. He couldn't
stop, even after he lost one lung.

JERRY
Tell me. I know, I know. I’ve been trying to quit. Booze I could lick, but this --- it's hard, Mrs.
Grauer. When you got a lotta stress. My business? All stress these days.

BETH
What business is that, Mr. Gable.

JERRY
Finance.

BETH

Is that how you came to know my husband? Through his business interests

JERRY

No, we met in Danbury. The correctional facility? The prison? We were on the same softball
team for about two months. He was a damned good shortstop. That man was fast.

(looking around, admiring)

This is nice. I mean, I expected nice, but this, this is...nice.

BETH
Thank you.

JERRY
Shouldn't be too hard to unload it for a good price, even in a bad market.

BETH
It's not for sale.

JERRY
Certainly not. No way I would sell if it were mine. You know, there's just so much property
with a view of the ocean, and it's all gone. Hang in there! If you can.

David enters, supported by Muffie. He takes small, rigid steps, trying hard not to hurt himself
further.

BETH
David! You shouldn't be up.

DAVID
I'm okay, Beth.

BETH
Well, if you gentlemen want to have a business meeting, we'll leave you to ---
 DAVID
Thanks.

JERRY
(commanding)
Stay!

DAVID
Who the hell do you think you are to give orders to my wife?

JERRY
(to Beth)

It wasn't an order, Mrs. Grauer. It was more like a ---

MUFFIE
An angry prayer? Une cri de couer?

DAVID
(sharply)

Muffie, would you leave us alone now!

MUFFIE
Now that's an order. A quiet order, but an order neverthe--

BETH
Muffie, shut up! David, what's going on here?

DAVID
I tried to tell you before. Jerry and I have a financial problem we hope to iron out. And we don't
need you ---

JERRY
We do. We need.

BETH
Look, Mr. Gable, if my husband says he doesn't want my presence at your meeting I ---

JERRY
He never said a word about me to you, did he?

BETH
He doesn't often discuss his business associates with me.

JERRY
Figures.

BETH
David, are you going to explain this man? We have guests and I promised Lisette to help her
with lunch before ---

JERRY
I don't need lunch, thanks anyway

BETH

Mr. Gable, you may be many things, but you are not a guest in my house. Now what is this
about?

JERRY

(gesturing towards Muffie who hangs back)

I think this should be just family? Okay?

BETH
Muffie is like a sister to me. A demented one - but a sister.

JERRY
(to David)

You want to start?

DAVID
Jerry did the deficit financing on the San Diego Dune Estates. There were problems going to a
regular bank. You know, if you really listened to the geological reports, they would have made
all of California a Yaqui Indian reservation. The opportunities were immense. We couldn't pass
it up.

BETH
We? I didn't know you had a partner in this.

DAVID
I don't. I mean, I couldn't pass it up. I knew there was a fortune to be made developing that
property. Views that are worth a four million a unit. And there were fifty units to be built. Then,
as you know, just a week before the opening, there was that quake.

BETH
But the insurance covered your losses.

DAVID
(softly)

Beth, I couldn't get it insured.

BETH
So why didn't you pull out of the deal?
 DAVID
It was the bargain of a lifetime. The estate wanted cash quick and they were willing to settle for
half its real value. If I didn't grab it, someone else would have and ---

BETH
If it couldn't be insured, I don't understand what value it would have?

DAVID
People take risks all the time. There's no way you can make money without taking risks. I knew
we could make a two hundred percent profit on that site. Beth. Do you think your father built his
shipping fortune without taking big risks? Hell, if his boats sank at sea ---

BETH
They were insured. By Lloyds of London. And they didn't! Even during the war.

DAVID
Beth, you should have seen that building site. The Pacific Ocean, the beach, the cliffs, when the
fog burned off by noon you could see all the way to ---

BETH
I read the prospectus. In fact, I corrected the grammar in it.

DAVID
We had most of the financing in place. My investors knew what they were risking. I told them
we couldn't get this site underwritten and they still wanted in. We just needed some finishing
money.

BETH
And Mr. Gable provided that?

JERRY
Right. Mrs. Grauer, as it stands now, I can lose maybe forty million dollars.

BETH
That’s a great deal of money. I'm sorry about that, Mr. Gable, but you knew the risks when you
decided to provide the money my husband needed. You've made a bad investment. You'll have to
live with it.

JERRY
No, Ma'am. I can't.

BETH

Well, that's a problem you'll have to work out for yourself.

JERRY
It's not just my problem, Ma'am. It's our problem.

BETH
How’s that?

JERRY
I wasn't an investor. I was a mortgage financier. The lender. And I wouldn't approve the loan
without security. Not even to the best amateur shortstop I ever saw at Danbury. So I got
security.

DAVID
Jerry, you're making a real mistake. This should have been left for me to deal with.

JERRY
Left to you I'd still be sitting in that overpriced motel in Westhampton waiting for a call that
wasn't going to come. Mrs. Grauer. You knew what I meant by security. I mean, you musta when
you signed the papers putting up this house as security...for the loan.

BETH
(confused)
I didn't sign any papers giving this house as security.

JERRY
No? Maybe your forgot but I got ---

BETH
I said I never gave this house as security. The deed is in my name. I own it outright. I would
never risk this house. This house has been in my family for generations. It will go to my
children after me and ---

JERRY
(taking out a paper from briefcase)

This look like your signature?

BETH
(she studies it)

Yes, but I never saw these papers, let alone signed them.

DAVID

Beth, I think we should talk about this alone. I'd like to explain.

BETH
Do.
David looks towards Muffie.

MUFFIE
I'll go if you'd like.

BETH
No, I want to be sure I know what I hear when I'm hearing it.

DAVID
You know you've always said that you wanted me to handle your investments. Hell, I made real
profits for you. I got rid of all the stagnant mutual Funds and I ---

BETH
David, I know what you did for me. What did you do to me?

DAVID
I wanted to see you and the girls safe for life. Hell, you know what's happened to your father's
estate. A whole goddamned fortune dwindled down to peanuts because he refused to sell the
ships when they were still worth something. Here was a chance for you to make a tremendous
profit. It was my gift to you. Security, so you could run the foundation and.---

BETH
You forged my name on the loan?

DAVID
No.

BETH
Someone did. I wasn't at the First National Trust in the city on August 20th of last year. I was
here at the house on Gin Lane. Christ, it's even been notarized. What did you do? Go down to the
bank in drag and ---

DAVID
Carrie went to the bank with me. She signed it. Hell, she signs all our checks and ---

BETH
You had your secretary forge my name on this document? Did you explain to her what she was
doing?

DAVID
I told her you were too busy, and we needed a woman for the notary.

BETH
What did you use for identification?

DAVID
You left your driver's license in the city.
 BETH

Left it, Christ no! It was missing for a week. I thought I lost it until it turned up again in my desk.
I swore I'd looked there but ---

DAVID
I took it.

BETH
But she doesn't even look like me. Damn it, she's at least ten years older than I am.

DAVID
Beth, the notary didn't bother to look closely. Try to understand. I needed the money
immediately. I know how you are about this house. So I figured why trouble you? There didn't
seem to be any chance you could lose. It was such a sure thing.

MUFFIE
Well, there goes your house and my gums!

BETH
Shut up, Muffie. Not another word from you.

(to Jerry)

What happens if he doesn't pay up?

JERRY
He's an honorable man. You're an honorable woman. Of course he'll pay up.

BETH
But if he can't? You kill him?

JERRY
(offended)
Mrs. Grauer, what do you take me for? I was an embezzler like your husband. I wouldn't kill
anyone. I venerate life. Yours, his, mine, even hers.

(gesturing towards Muffie)

Violence is not my style. I'll just sue for my money, or this house, and if I don't get it, then I see
he gets put back in prison for fraud. Ten years maybe. Could be twenty. You got your grand
larceny, your forgery, your second offense. And since he sent the check to me through the
U.S.postal – tack on your mail fraud.

BETH
And you would do that to him?

JERRY
Not if you sign over the deed to the house. Then the matter is absolutely settled. It may not be
worth ten million in this market, but you can't find property like this anywhere. Understand, I
am not a loan shark. I charged him the going rate on my money. But I’m no fool. I expect my
clients to honor their obligations. As I honor mine.

BETH

Why can’t you give him more time? Why this rush?

JERRY

You really believe that more time will help him? He’s had “more time.” This was to be settled
weeks ago.

MUFFIE

(raising her hand to speak like a schoolgirl)

Teacher, if you’re as rich as you say you are – and I trust that you are – I can see that from the
expensive shirt, the Charvet tie, the thousand dollars handmade Italian shoes - why you’re a
walking sign of brand new wealth. So why don’t you write it off on your taxes – a bad loan – a
deal gone North.

JERRY

I think you mean South. Miss – I wouldn’t be this rich if I didn’t sweat the details. Funny
about details, some people see God in them, others find the devil lurking there – but I find
comfort in them. Details don’t let you down. People do.

(gesturing towards the roofline)

What would this house be if not for the details? Just another pile of wooden shingles. Look at
that pediment there. The deep-set wooden window frames. And where they gonna grow another
ocean view like that with that pond and those birds? Believe me, once this is settled, you don't
hear from me again.

Beth runs towards Jerry, beating her fists against his chest. Jerry is shocked, but David reaches
out to restrain her.

BETH
Bastard!

Before David can grasp her wrists, she slaps him and then Jerry to Jerry's astonishment. David,
thrown off balance, doubles over in pain, as his back gives out again. Muffie rushes to support
him and he leans on her as he attempts to recover himself.

BETH
Criminals! Scum! Filth!
 JERRY
(astonished)

Ma'am, you got it wrong. I'm a legitimate businessman. A mortgage financier. A venture
capitalist.

BETH
(consumed by rage)
Dirt! You're dirt. You’re a fucking piece of shit. A loan shark.

JERRY
Now I take offense at that, M’am. Master Card, Visa, Bank of America – your college loan
sharks, now there are your excremental. I never lured a college kid or some poor guy into debt
with low interest and then charged thirty percent if he falls behind. I have my standards.

BETH
(to David)
It seems Mr. Gable has “standards.” You might have learned something from your association
with him.

DAVID
Honey, we’ll figure this out and you ---

BETH
Just what is there to figure out? You committed a crime. You’ve shamed me and the girls in
ways you can’t understand. You’ve survived so much shame it’s a habit for you – but for me –
it’s -- do you realize what they will have to live with among their friends – what --

She begins to weep, softly, turning her head away.

MUFFIE
“Daddy’s in jail and Mommie’s in tears. She lost her house and he got ten years.”

BETH

Muffie, go back to your room and ask Lisette to tape your mouth and bind your hands and feet.

MUFFIE
No way! You need protection. What if Jerry is actually hired by Big Al to ---

JERRY
(outraged)
Lady, I never in my life raised a hand to a woman ---

BETH

Before! If Muffle stays you will certainly spoil your perfect record. Muffie, go!
 MUFFIE
Can't I just listen at the terrace door?

BETH
(furious)
This isn't a game. It's my life! Go bother Einhorn.

Muffie leaves. David turns to Jerry in a rage.

DAVID
Jerry, why don't you get the hell out of here too? Nothing more you can do till she gets in touch
with her attorney. You couldn't wait. God damn you; you couldn't wait!

Jerry starts to go. Beth rises, stops him.

BETH
No. Please stay. I’m sorry I went at you. Not your fault.

JERRY
No harm done.

BETH
We can settle this without lawyers.

DAVID
I know what I've done is inexcusable--

BETH
That's why you expect me to excuse it.

DAVID

Just need a little time. Jerry will let me have a few more days to raise the cash, won't you Jerry?

JERRY
A few more days? (shrugging)

Alright, if she needs a few days-- a few being less than five, more than two? Right? Three is my
few, my bottom line few, okay? Three you got! But where the hell are you gonna find backers in
this bear market when you couldn’t find em with the bulls raging?

BETH
(to David)
Where?

DAVID
Where? What?
 BETH
Just what Jerry said? Where will you find the money in three days? If you had the collateral to
go to the banks, you would never have used my house, right? So you have nothing to offer
anyone as security except your good name and we know what that's worth. Or am I wrong? I
know so little of our business.

DAVID
Don't I know that! For years I tried to get you to look over your holdings but you refused. "You
take care of it, David...whatever you think is right, David.'' I wanted to be your partner, but you
wanted to be the Princess Elizabeth devoted to good works and taking bows from your royal
subjects. Face it, Beth. Your father was a tough old bird who tried to buy himself immortality
with his foundation. He put most of his fortune in that! And you can't touch a cent of it.

BETH

He left me enough to ---

DAVID
He left you garbage. Rusting freighters and stocks that sank like Liberian tankers. That steel
drum refinishing factory in Jersey where the cleanup of the poisoned ground costs you more than
the assets. I've been supporting you for years now. Do you really think I tried to swindle you?
Christ, if the condos had sold you would have made millions!

BETH
I would never have used this house as collateral. You knew that. You weren't protecting me
when you did that. You were robbing me.

DAVID
If you can’t forgive me, think about Carrie. She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong. She
only thought she was helping us out.

BETH
You should have thought of that before you made the poor woman your accomplice.

DAVID
She’s a single mother with a disabled son to support. You can’t ---

BETH

Oh, but I can, David. I can. I am not responsible for your secretary’s stupidly in going along
with your scheme. You must have known that the poor woman was in love with you --- and you
took advantage of that to turn her into a criminal – like you.

DAVID
What do you really want, Beth? To hold on to this house? Or punish me?

BETH
Both. The house will be passed on to my children. Sorry, Jerry, I've decided not to honor his
debt.

JERRY
You sure you wanna do that? You know what it does to him? And to you? Breaks you apart. And
you're a lovely couple. I hate to see a lovely couple come apart over money. Kids need their
parents more than a summer house. You know it's never really about money. It goes deeper --
money is just an excuse for ---

BETH
(laughing)
Good lord, you're not a loan shark, you're a visiting marriage counselor who rides the Hampton
Therapy Circuit on the jitney.

JERRY
Okay, so it breaks me too. Real bad.

(wistfully)

You hate being deceived; I can see that. How do you think I feel. He assured me that he would
make his payments in a timely fashion. Now is timely. I gotta get whole again. I came here to
complete me

BETH

I'm sorry about your loss. You were shamefully deceived.

(firmly)

But no court in the world is going to give you title to this house with a forged document. Put him
in prison if you want, but that won't make you whole again, will it?

JERRY

Mrs. Grauer, I trusted David. Did I call you at the time to make sure that the signature was
yours? No. I believed him because he was a friend. Friends don’t cheat each other – not my
friends. I invested more than money in him. I invested my faith and my judgment in this man,
and he took me for a fool.

(raising his voice)

I am nobody’s fool.

BETH
(firmly)
Well take a good look at nobody.
She points to David

Calm yourself. You'll gain nothing that way. We can settle this now.

JERRY
How?

BETH
Tomorrow, I'll have my lawyer draw up papers in which my husband agrees to pay off his debt
to you over thirty years. Since I don't expect you to trust him, I am prepared to co-sign the note.

JERRY
What's your interest rate?

BETH.
(drily)
Best customer rate. No interest. Just the principal to be repaid.

JERRY
Christ, I wouldn't lend money to my mother without ---

BETH

You're mother doesn't owe you millions of dollars. My husband does. I offer you a chance to
recover your losses; granted - a very slow recovery. Or your lawyers can break his legs. But I
assure you, his bones aren't worth this house.

JERRY
You’re bluffing. I know how you people are about scandal.

BETH
My people can shake off scandal like a water dog in a summer rain. If scandal bothered me, do
you think I would have married my husband – the ex-con?

Jerry studies her, unsure of her seriousness.

That's my best offer. Don't hope for better terms. This is the only way you can get whole again.

JERRY
Bullshit! You wouldn't let him go to prison again?

BETH
(fiercely)
Test me!

Jerry studies her, turns to David sympathetically

(wearily)

Give her lawyer my city number.

(to Beth)

Porch stairs need painting. Scrape em down to the wood and use marine paint next time.
Something with an oil base. Don't put it off too long. Rot sets in. Someone gets hurt. You get
sued.

(bitterly)

Not that you'd lose. Definitely Stanford White.

He shakes his head sadly, resigned to his loss, exits upstage. David watches in silence until Jerry
is out of earshot, then lets out a triumphant whoop and holler.

DAVID
You were incredible.

BETH
Was I?

DAVID
You faked him out. Nobody fakes a guy like Jerry but you --

BETH
I wasn't faking. If he didn't accept my terms, I wouldn't have budged.

DAVID
You’re not serious.

BETH
Never more so. Not even if it meant you went to prison again. This house is not mine to lose. It's
a trust I hold for the girls. And I won't steal it from my children. Is this what our future is going
to be? One pathetic scam after another? My daughters exposed to the Jerry’s of the world?

DAVID
No. It'll change. It’ll all change.

BETH
People don't. You won’t.

DAVID
But you did! You should have seen yourself. You faced down Jerry like a mother tigress
defending her cubs.
 BETH
I didn't change. The present cracked. The past spilled out. And out stepped Daddy, ready to do
whatever was necessary to protect his property.

(wearily)

You know, I can never trust you again. And without trust ---

DAVID
Fuck trust. I can get trust from strangers. Love me, Beth. Just love me.

BETH

You have some goddamned nerve to ask for love? After you’ve dishonored my life – dishonored
our children – dishonored this house.

DAVID
(with mounting anger)
Dishonored, huh? What a word – full of old money and old bullshit - it has all the sting of Miss
Hewitt’s Classes– the Junior Year abroad, the Habitat for Humanity, the arts foundation, the
peeling Obama sticker on the back of the Prius. And Daddy’s old Bentley rotting in the
driveway. Beth, I have loved you for so long --- trusted you for so long – and now I’m not worth
the price of an old house?

(furious)

Twenty years together. Two children? And you value this house more than me?

BETH
If you put it that way. Yes. This house did not betray my trust. This house was built to last.
Unlike our marriage.

DAVID
(bitterly)
I knew you were expensive when I met you, Beth. But I never figured you’d cost me this much.
Not this much. Why is it so hard for you to think of a life without this house?

BETH
You know why! My father died in this house when I was away in college. It’s all I have of ---

DAVID
Dear departed daddy? I don't buy that now. Honey, you cling to this house because it’s the seat
of your power - the place where you rule your pretty little kingdom. All the rich and famous
come to our benefit parties because of this house –hoping that some of its old-world class will
rub off on them. It keeps you Queen of the Good Causes. Saint Elizabeth of Gin Lane .

BETH
I have never seen myself that way. It’s you who ---
 DAVID
Poor, old, overworked house. Always helping you to stay on top of all life's infinite messiness;
the family fortress to protect you against age and misfortune. It can even protect you from this
age of Trump, I can’t do that Beth. All I can do is love you. So of course I’ll lose any contest
with this pile of shingles.

BETH

Wonderful! Well done. Shifting the blame from your treachery to ----

DAVID
Yours.

BETH
(she studies him)

How far back did this scam go? What did you do? Fly to Alaska after the great oil spill because
you heard that the Hamilton Shipping heiress was there, full of guilt because her family fortune
was based on ships carrying oil? An easy mark.

DAVID
You don’t believe that, so why say it?

BETH
True, it wasn’t our tanker that did the damage, but we were part of that polluting world. So this
silly little twit thought she could do some good by volunteering to rescue the wildlife. It gets
clearer and clearer.

DAVID
No. Crazier and crazier.

BETH
Did you arrange to meet me knowing that I would be so vulnerable to your game?

DAVID
Goddamn it, I had no game. I went there because I wanted to do some good. I do one wrong
thing and you’ve got to scour the past in search of ---

BETH
Some past! All the girls have to do is google your name, and the first thing they’ll dredge from
that swamp is Convicted Swindler.

DAVID
So now I’m the family swamp? At least you could call me an endangered wetlands.
 BETH
You can joke? When I feel so soiled, yes, dishonored by what you’ve done. I’ve betrayed my
own children by letting you father them.

DAVID
Honey, you’ve always had a weakness for con men. To be honest - and I am - I’m the best of
the whole damned lot.

BETH

None of them would have --

DAVID
Only because they couldn’t. I gave as much as I got. Maybe more. And you? Twenty years
together and you were ready to send me back to prison? Do you think I wouldn’t have moved
heaven and earth before I let something like that happen to you?

BETH
Something like what doesn’t happen to me! I don’t forge signatures? I don’t gamble with other
people’s property. And lives. I don’t go to prison.

DAVID
Why’d you marry me, Beth?

BETH
Because I was a damned fool who wouldn’t heed the warnings. Everyone told me I was making
an awful mistake. Including your own mother. But oh no. With me it would be different. He’d
never do that to me. He’s a changed man. He loves me, and his kindness to those birds ---.

DAVID
Fuck the birds. You married me because you were intrigued by my past. Not in spite of it.
Maybe because of it. And it would be an adventure. Why, you thought yourself so damned pure
you could wash my sins away – and your own.

BETH
If that’s true I overestimated my power. And underestimated your perfidy.

DAVID

Perfidy? Shit – one weekend with Einhorn and you’re beginning to sound like an Elizabethan.

BETH
What was the original plan? Get me to trust you so that I put all my family’s business in your
hands?

DAVID
I never asked to take over the Hamilton lines.
 BETH
You didn’t have to. I was set up to ask you to do it.

DAVID

Bullshit! I was doing better than okay on my own. But you insisted that I take charge of your
estate. I recall you saying, “Who can I trust if not my husband?” Was that trust, Beth, or a test?

BETH
It was love, or something that passed for it. Twenty years in the making. Twenty minutes in the
breaking.

DAVID

If we work at this, we can overcome it.

BETH

Work at it? I don’t work at marriage. David. I work at the foundation.

DAVID
Okay, you’re angry now. You got a right to be. But when you calm down, you’ll see that we
have built something together that can’t be destroyed because of one---

BETH
One? How do I know it was just this once? What if you’ve been stealing from me for years?
Do we have any money left? I’ll find out later so we might as well deal with it now.

DAVID
You’ve still got our city co-op. It’s not worth what it was but it’s could fetch a fair price even in
this bad market. And your stock portfolio is okay. Half of what it was last year – like everyone
else - but enough. When the market started to tank I put us in some safe bonds. With your
salary from the foundation and the rentals I get from the commercial property --- we’ll get by.

BETH
What about the girl’s college fund?

DAVID
You don’t have anything to worry about there.

BETH
Oh, but I do. I’m married to a man who stole from his father, stole from his wife, so what is to
keep him from stealing from his children the next time he’s desperate? How are we going to
make good on our promise to Jerry without selling the coop?

DAVID
We can’t.
 BETH
Then what?

DAVID
We could sell it and live here full time.

BETH
We? What do you mean by we?

DAVID
We always said we would live here fulltime someday. Maybe this is someday.

BETH

I don’t want to look at you day after day and see a goddamned thief where once I saw ---

DAVID
Thank me, Beth. Thank me.

BETH
What?

DAVID
I just gave you a pretty good excuse to break up our marriage, right? And you’re seizing it.
What happened, it got old, and you don’t like anything getting old? You may joke about it Beth,
but you hate it. You might take a closer look inside and ---

BETH
Don’t give me that goddamned tripe! Isn’t it enough you brought Jerry into our lives without
now introducing me to Dr. Phil?

DAVID
I’m not asking for understanding, Beth. Shit, I don’t even understand what I’ve done. I’m
asking for forgiveness.

BETH
Don’t!

DAVID
If I can forgive you for what you did this afternoon, putting this house above me, I imagine you
can ----

BETH
Never. I will never forgive. Never forget.

DAVID
Okay. Don’t forgive. Don’t forget. Love me, Beth. Just love me.
 BETH
You’re begging. Don’t you have any pride?

DAVID
None.

Muffie enters carrying her bag

MUFFIE

Einhorn’s come back early. Melanie was carsick so they turned around before they reached the
bird sanctuary. That girl’s an Olympic hurler. She’s okay now. A wet towel on her forehead
and a cold coke put her back together.

DAVID
I should see if she needs anything. She probably didn’t eat all day.

BETH
Don’t go to her now. She can read you like a book, and I don’t want her to see the page we’re
on.

MUFFIE
It’s not possible. You’re still with him. And he’s alive?

BETH
Muffie, I think you should go. Home. Leave us.

MUFFIE
Of course I’ll go. But I feel you’re about to make a big mistake.

BETH

Not to worry. I haven’t forgiven him.

MUFFIE
That’s not the mistake. Beth, you don’t know what’s out there. I’d give up a hundred houses
like this to be loved as David loves you.

BETH
(sarcastic)
Sure you would.

MUFFIE
Okay, one split level in the burbs. But it sounded so good saying that. He does love you and
there are the girls to consider. Think what it will do to them. You lost a father while in college
and your grieved for months – don’t --
 BETH
My father died. Quite a different –

MUFFIE
Divorce is a lot like death. When my folks split I figured it was like I murdered their marriage.

BETH
Of course it wasn’t your fault. What were you? Five? Six?

MUFFIE

Ah, but it was. Daddy couldn’t stand the sight of me since he said I looked just like mother.
And mother couldn’t stand the sight of me because she said I looked just like Daddy. It was the
only custody battle in which both parents fought to give full custodial rights to the other. So
don’t rush into anything.

BETH
My poor Muffie. I’ve no intention of doing anything hasty. Precipitous moves are not in my
nature these days. Einhorn asked me to leave David and go to England with him today.

DAVID
That son of a bitch.

BETH
I thought he was ridiculous. And a little insulting. As if I was longing for him all these years.
Maybe he saw something in our marriage that I couldn’t – or wouldn’t.

DAVID
I wish he’d just disappear. The pompous shit.

BETH
(to David)
I wish you’d disappear.

DAVID
Sorry, I won’t leave you. But I can’t stop you from going.

BETH
I don’t know how to leave. God, but I want to, but I don’t know how.

MUFFIE
It doesn’t take much talent Beth. I’m an amateur at arrivals but a pro on departures. There’s
always the sneaking off when you’re out doing something necessary like having a colonoscopy
or shopping for shoes.

BETH
(exasperated)
Muffie!
 MUFFIE
Not your way? There’s “This isn’t working, we’ve tried, but we can’t build our happiness on
their misery. Too” Brief Encounter?’ Then there’s real life - the nasty one – the bitter quarrels,
the greedy lawyers, the desperate attempt to protect your money or your children, whichever
means the most to you – and then the endless legal documents to sign – I had that with my first
husband. You don’t want that, ever. Darling, even when everything seems so bad that it
couldn’t get worse – it gets worse. And then – amazingly everything in your wretched life can
change in a few hours.

BETH
Muffie, I don’t want to discuss David and me any longer.

MUFFIE
Oh, I’m not talking about you and David. It’s me and Einhorn.

BETH
What?

MUFFIE
He's offered me a lift back to the city. Well, not exactly offered, but he’s taking me back. Beth,
do you think I should take it? It could lead to more heartbreak for me.

BETH
Muffie, it's only a ride to the city.

MUFFIE
Well, it's not fair to you. You had first dibs on Einhorn.

BETH
I have no further interest in Einhorn.

MUFFIE
Good. But that does nothing to ease my conscience. I hate women who abandon their friends in
a time of need just because an attractive man makes them an irresistible offer.

BETH
What offer?

MUFFIE
Einhorn wants me to go to England with him.

BETH

He asked you too?

MUFFIE
Not yet. But he will. When he mentioned his next big project, I told him I was an expert on the
Victorians.
 BETH
But you're not. He's sure to find out.

MUFFIE
(defensively)
I may not know Little Nell from Little Dorrit but I'm positively Victorian. I'm the only woman
you know who’s still a hysteric, try naming another. See, you can't! I weep, I faint, I swoon, I
will do anything for love. I even pine away for it...now who else does that? Nobody! That
territory's been abandoned to me, dependant, romantic, fearless Margaret Peabody, Victorian.
The lunatic wife you keep in the tower. No gesture too foolish, no act too absurd that I won't do
in the name of love. Why, if he likes, I'll paint water color sunsets in a Laura Ashley skirt. So
who's not Victorian? Besides, he's already offered to lend me the money for my gums.

She kisses Beth, and plants another kiss on David's cheek.

BETH
Good luck. You’ll need it with Einhorn.

MUFFIE
(complimented)
Glad you know that. There are far worse out there than David should you leave him. It’s the
ones who betray you in small ways, the little daily deaths you have to be wary of. The ones who
always remember to put up the toilet seat when they pee, and never forget your birthday – but
who forget how to love you. David is the devil you know. And he’s such a wonderful devil.
Goodbye darlings. Say what you will, there's nothing like a day at the beach!

BETH
I’ll see you to Einhorn’s car. I should say goodbye to him.

DAVID
Beth, what are you going to do?

BETH
(She picks up the remote)
I promise you, David, you’ll know as soon as I know.

DAVID
Don’t say anything to the girls. Please. Not them.

BETH

What do you take me for? I want them to keep loving you even if I can’t. Now take a deep
breath, calm down, and listen to Einhorn’s Elizabethans. Imagine how these strange people
managed to get through their lives without ever trusting anyone, not friends, not lovers, not even
God, and still we got Shakespeare and the golden age as a result. Fascinating, no?
The TV lecture begins. They all stand there staring at the screen.

EINHORN
(narrating)
The desire to penetrate the region of the unknown, to probe the unconscious - that is what excited
the Elizabethan imagination. They lived on the edge of an ever expanding physical and mental
world. In this world everything was possible. Of course they believed in the ghost in Hamlet –

The picture on the screen shifts to that of the narrator, a long shot of the host atop the
battlements of Elsinore Castle.

EINHORN
- and so did its creator. How exciting such a world was to the imagination invisible - intangible,
yet capable of being sensed, felt on the nerves and the roots of the brain, for the Elizabethans
were possessed by the desire to know, to attain power through knowledge. The world of
Gertrude's sexuality and the world of the murdered ghost were not separate entities but --

Beth walks off with Muffie taking her arm as they exit together, leaving David stunned. David
rises, stares out at the sea.

CURTAIN