How Much Sex Should
You Be Having?
Vanessa Marin
“How often should we be having sex?”
It’s one of the most common questions I get
asked. We all seem to be obsessed with
making sure we’re having just the “right”
amount of sex.
First, the bad news: there is no magic
number that will work for every couple. I’ve
worked with couples who thought sex every
day was too little, and couples who thought
sex once a month was too much. We’re just
different.
But here’s the good news: it is possible to
figure out a general level of frequency feels
healthy for your relationship. Here’s how.
Forget About The Honeymoon...
Let’s get this popular myth out of the way
immediately: the sexual frequency you have
at the beginning of your relationship (the
“honeymoon phase”) typically isn’t
sustainable.
Unless sex is incredibly important to you
both, and you’re both steadfastly devoted to
making a lot of effort, don’t set the early
months as your goal.
Looking for a more manageable standard?
Roughly half of your honeymoon stage
frequency is a good place to start. So if you
had sex four times a week in those early
days, aim for twice a week.
…But Do Think About Other Relationship Stages
It can be helpful to look back at your (post-
honeymoon) relationship history, especially
if you’re in a long-term relationship.
On the timeline of your relationship, when
were the two of you the happiest with your
sex life?
Do you remember any specific details about
your sex life at that time? For example,
maybe you used to have regular sex dates
on Friday nights, or you used to spend most
Sunday mornings in bed.
These periods and memories can give you
[pwerful inspiration.
Expand Your Definition Of Sex
Most couples - heterosexual couples in
particular - get caught in the trap of thinking
of sex as just intercourse. People in same-sex
relationships tend to have broader definitions
of what constitutes sex. Can you guess which
group consistently reports greater sexual
satisfaction?
If you think of sex as just intercourse, your
sex life is going to get boring and routine
quickly.
Fortunately, there are so many other options.
Oral sex, manual stimulation, mutual or solo
masturbation, anal play, nipple play, sensual
massage, playing with sex toys, teasing,
fantasizing, roleplaying, sensation play, and
other activities are all sex too.
When there are more options on the table,
sex naturally feels much more enticing and
satisfying.
Focus On Quality Sex
Having sex solely to hit a quota is rarely
pleasurable. Unless keeping up with the
Joneses is a thrilling part of your sexual
roleplaying, I recommend paying attention to
quality over quantity.
In my experience, when couples are having
sex that’s satisfying for both of them, a
comfortable frequency naturally emerges.
Take the time to think about your favorite
sexual memories with your partner. What
does “good sex” mean to you? Does it mean
having orgasms? Feeling emotionally
connected? Working your way through a
book of sex positions?
This is obviously a huge topic, but try to
identify 3-5 qualities that are important to you,
and share them with your partner.
Respect Each Other’s Needs
People always ask me about sexual
compatibility, but the truth is that you’re never
going to find a partner with whom you’re
perfectly sexually compatible.
Even if you both magically knew you needed
sex twice a week to be exquisitely happy, who
is to say that you’re both going to want sex on
Tuesday at 8pm and Friday at 11pm?
Every couple is going to have to navigate
differences in their sexual needs.
In my experience, couples are happiest when
they each feel that their needs are important
to the other.
This is not about fulfilling each other’s every
whim; it’s about hearing what your partner
wants, acknowledging that you respect their
needs, and doing your best to work with
them as a team.
If your partner generally has a lower level
of desire than you do, that might mean
masturbating more frequently. Or it might
mean making the effort to support your
partner in removing the roadblocks to their
desire (for instance, helping them have some
alone time every once in a while, or taking
some responsibilities off their plate).
If your partner has a higher level of desire
than you do, that might mean getting curious
about if you can be open to being intimate
even if you’re not totally in the mood.
This is where that expanded definition of sex
really becomes important. You might not be
open to intercourse, but maybe you are open
to getting your partner off with your hand, or
talking dirty to them while they masturbate.
Make The Effort More Frequently Than You
Feel The Desire
Real talk: most of us don’t prioritize sex as
much as we want to.
We’re busy. We’re tired. We’re overwhelmed.
Sex is easy to put on the back burner.
As big as I am on trying to help my clients
acknowledge and honor themselves just as
they are, I also believe that sex is something
that requires active, ongoing effort.
Sometimes that means trying to get in the
mood even when you’re feeling tired or lazy.
Making an effort helps us show our partners
that we respect them and their needs (as well
as respecting ourselves and our needs!).
It’s also important to keep in mind that most
people don’t feel the desire for sex until
they’ve already started doing something
physical. A lot of my clients even tell me it’s not
until sex is over that they realize, “Oh wow, that
was fun. I always forget how much I like sex.”
My recommendation is to try to engage in
some sort of physical touch about twice as
often as you feel the interest in having sex. If
you wind up getting in the mood, go ahead and
have sex with your partner! If you don’t, it’s still
great to have more touch in your relationship!
Here’s the bottom line: the effort you’re both
willing to make to open yourselves to
physical intimacy is way more important
than the actual number of times you wind up
having sex.
Having sex exactly three times per week,
every week isn’t necessarily going to make
you happy.
What will make you happy is knowing that
your partner respects your needs, and that
you’re working together as a team to create a
sex life that feels active and satisfying to you
both.
