The Sex Drive

Screenplay
by
Sean Anders
&
John Morris

(FIRST DRAFT)
(first revision)

7.23.2007

Based on "All The Way"

By

Andy Behrens

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 INT. MASSIVE RAVE - NIGHT

Techno music thumps as we snake through a crowded party. All

we see are people and lights. Everyone is either dancing,
talking or making out. Arrive behind a petit brunette with a
body that has precipitated many a boner. MS. TASTY turns
revealing a sweet, stunning twenty-year-old smile.

MS. TASTY
Ian! Hey, sweetie! (Strikes a
sexy pose) So? What do you think?

Reverse to show who she’s posing for, but IAN is silhouetted,

backlit by disco lights. He speaks with smug confidence.

IAN
Not bad. I’ve seen better, but you
make it work.

She’s not put off by the back-handed compliment. On the

contrary, it seems to make her try harder.

MS. TASTY
Jerk. So when do I get to check
out your big, sexy bod? L-O-L!

Her face rotates unnaturally ninety degrees on it’s side and

winks ;) Pull back hard to reveal thousands, maybe millions
of people at this party. The heads become pixels on Ms.
Tasty’s MySpace page on a computer in:

INT. IAN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The real Ian lies in bed with his laptop, wearing a Darth
Vader t-shirt, Chicago Cubs pajama bottoms and reading
glasses. He’s eighteen but could pass for sixteen. He's a
sweet kid with the kind of thoughtful, approachable face you
might seek when in need of directions.

Close on her words on the screen: “JERK. SO WHEN DO I GET TO

CHECK OUT YOUR BIG, SEXY BOD? L-O-L!”

Ian lets out a nervous giggle. He types his reply, “IT’S NOT
REALLY THAT SEXY.” He stops and deletes that.

IAN
(whispering to himself)
God. Don’t be a dork. Act cool.
Be a dick. Just be a dick.

He retypes, “DAMN, UR SO PUSHY. I’LL UPLOAD MY PIC IN A SEC.”

MAIN TITLES OVER:

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 2.

Ian opens a picture of himself in PhotoShop. He borrows some

facial hair from a photo of Brad Pitt and places it on his
own face. He opens a folder called “Family Pics,” then a
subfolder titled, “REX.” He opens a picture of a cocky tough
guy leaning against a shiny orange 1969 GTO Judge. Ian
places his own head on the tough guy’s body.

As he does this work, we get a look at the room, which is

divided by a line of electrical tape running down the wall
marked, "DYLAN'S SIDE - IAN KEEP OUT!!!" Ian's side is neat
and sparsely decorated with a few band posters and some Lord
of the Rings merch. The other side of the room is cluttered
and decorated with extreme sports and bikini girl posters.
Several motocross and snowboarding trophies are proudly
displayed. Ian’s brother DYLAN (14) sleeps in a twin bed.
His Tiger Beat face even looks confident while asleep. A
clock reads 12:21 a.m.

END TITLES

Ian clicks “Upload Pic” and we return to the:

INT. MYSPACE CYBER RAVE

Now some of Ms. Tasty’s MySpace bio stats float in the air
next to her: "MsTasty, 5' 5" / Age:20 / Home: Knoxville, TN /
Here For: Friends / Occupation: College Student / Interests:
Cars, Bikes, Music, Horses, Football and Mad Partying!!!" Ian
materializes next to her, now with the cool facial hair and
leaning against the car. Before Tasty even turns to see him,
LANCE materializes out of thin air, landing between them.
Lance is eighteen, good looking, built and dressed cool.

LANCE
Ian? Dude. What’s with this
picture!? Holy shit, that’s funny!

Next to Lance, FELICIA materializes. Also eighteen, she’s a *

petit, pretty girl with her own unique, artsy look and a *
definite edge on her attitude. *

FELICIA
Oh my god, Ian. That’s hilarious!

IAN
Yeah. Funny, right? Just a joke.
Can’t talk right now though.

Ian is antsy, trying to see past them to Tasty. Tasty

remains oblivious to this entire exchange.

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 3.

FELICIA *
Wait! Emergency. My evil bitch *
cousin is staying with us this *
weekend, doing a bunch of wedding *
prep crap. *

LANCE
Your hot cousin?

FELICIA
She’s the Antichrist, Lance.

IAN
She’s still hot.

FELICIA
Well, I NEED to get out.

IAN
We can hang at my house. The whole
family is taking Dylan to his moto-
cross nationals this weekend.

FELICIA
Sweet! You rock.

IAN
Thanks. Now I gotta go.

LANCE
Dude, you working tom--

Ian waves a hand at Lance and Felicia. They each disappear

with a click. Finally Ian can see Ms. Tasty again.

IAN
So, Tasty. Feast your eyes, sugar
biscuit.

INTERCUT - IAN’S BEDROOM / MYSPACE CYBER RAVE

Back in reality, Ian slaps his own head.

IAN
Sugar biscuit? You idiot.

Back in cyberspace, Tasty looks over at Ian and his car.

MS. TASTY
Nice. O.M.G. Your car is sick!

IAN
Sixty-nine GTO Judge.

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 4.

MS. TASTY
(dirty smile)
Mmmm. I love sixty-nines.

Back in his bedroom, Ian is stunned. He stands and nervously

paces, muttering to himself. He takes off his glasses.

IAN
Whoa. Sixty-nines; she likes those.
Okay, don’t puss out. Be a dick

Back in cyberspace, Ian continues to act cool.

IAN (CONT’D)
Whatever. I gotta blow. Coach’s
got us running two-a-days. Peace.

Ian disappears - to Tasty’s great disappointment.

INT. IAN’S BEDROOM

Ian stares at her picture and her last line, “I LUV 69’s.”
He checks that Dylan is sleeping. He grabs a roll of toilet
paper from under his bed. He reaches into his pajama pants.

DYLAN (O.S.)
Are you spankin’ it over there!

Ian stops.

IAN
No! I was just scratching my leg.
It’s itchy...this blanket.

INT. IAN’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - MORNING

Ian wanders groggily out of his room. He opens the bathroom

door but stops cold with the door open only three inches.
His eyes go like saucers - he’s now wide awake.

Ian’s POV through the door: A gorgeous, naked woman is bent

over and towelling off her hair. Ian watches with nervous
curiosity. She turns toward him but the towel covers her
face. As she rubs the towel on her head, her boobs jiggle.
Ian is in a trance until...

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Ian!?

Ian turns to see that his parents are standing at the end of
the hall and looking his way.

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 5.

IAN’S FATHER
Were you just peeping on your
sister?

The girl screams and the bathroom door slams shut.

IAN
No! I was just gonna use the...

His father raises an eyebrow as if to say, “Well, what about

that?” A wider shot of Ian reveals that he has pitched an
unmistakable tent in his pajama pants.

IAN’S FATHER
Alright! Family meeting!

INT. IAN’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ian’s Father, STEPMOTHER and brother Dylan sit at the table.

Also at the table is REX, Ian's older brother from the photo.
He's a twenty-four-year-old big lug whose thinning hair is
highlighted and spiky. Next to him is JESSICA, the hot girl
from the shower. She’s about twenty and wearing a pink baby-
doll T printed with sorority symbols. She talks on her cell
as Ian arrives at the table.

JESSICA
(into her phone)
No, I gotta go. My new stepbrother
was spying on me in the shower and
playing with himself or something.
...Yeah, I’ll call you after.

Ian timidly sits. His father sends a stern look his way.

IAN’S FATHER
Listen, mister--

IAN’S STEPMOTHER
(interrupting sweetly)
Ian. You and your brothers have
made me feel so welcome in your
family. And now that Jessica is
home from Princeton, I hope you’ll
be able to see her as your sister.

IAN
No. I do. I just--

REX
You don’t look at your sister and
pop a stiffy, Ian. That is NOT
normal.

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 6.

IAN’S STEPMOTHER
Rex, please. Let’s just all do our
best to respect one another’s
privacy. Okay, honey?

IAN’S FATHER
Now apologize to Jessica.

IAN
Um....I’m sorry.

IAN’S FATHER
For what?

IAN
I’m sorry for...seeing you naked.

IAN’S FATHER
And?

IAN
Um...and getting a...um...

IAN’S FATHER
That’s it. You’re grounded, bub.

IAN
What!?

REX
I gotta go. If you fags want a
ride, you better hustle up.

We track out the window and across the street to:

INT. FELICIA’S HOUSE

A modest but nice suburban home. Felicia is coming down the

stairs. She wears a black t-shirt that reads, “I’m begging
you to shut up.” She stops when she hears voices. She peers
around the corner into the dining room. Her MOTHER sits at
the kitchen table with AUNT CAROL. Standing on the other
side of the table is TIFFANY, a blonde Brittany Spears type
about Felicia’s age. Tiffany is arranging some Barbie & Ken
dolls in a make-believe wedding ceremony.

TIFFANY
I don’t know. Maybe just six
bridesmaids?

Tiffany removes a black-haired Barbie from the line-up. From

her perch, Felicia enthusiastically nods her agreement.

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 7.

AUNT CAROL
Sweetie, marriage is about family.
Felicia’s your cousin.

TIFFANY
I know. But she never smiles.
She’ll ruin all the pictures.

FELICIA
(whispering to herself)
She’s right, I will. Listen to her.
She’s making some solid points.

FELICIA’S MOTHER
Don’t worry, dear. I’ll speak to
Felicia.

Felicia tip-toes down the steps and sneaks out the front
door. She nearly makes it out when her mother spots her.

FELICIA’S MOTHER (CONT’D)

Hon? Come say hi to your cousin
and your Aunt Carol.

Felicia hangs her head, sighs and goes back inside. We pull
away and cross the street again to the home next to Ian’s.

INT. LANCE’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

We find Lance at the breakfast table working on a bowl of

Count Chocula. LANCE’S FATHER enters, talking on his cell
phone. He’s dressed a little too cool for his age.

LANCE’S FATHER
Judy! What do you want from me?
The boy’s eighteen now. These
aren’t my problems anymore. Hello?

He looks at the phone. Obviously she hung up. He grabs a

bowl, sits down and pours himself some cereal.

LANCE’S FATHER (CONT’D)

Your mom’s still batshit crazy.

Lance shakes his head, eating and reading Maxim.

LANCE’S FATHER (CONT’D)

Oh, what, she never trash talks me?

LANCE
Actually, she doesn’t. Ever.

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 8.

LANCE’S FATHER
Well, in any case, take my advice,
chief, never get married. Just an
endless parade of nonsense. And
for god’s sake always wear a
rubber. Jesus H.

Lance walks out, taking the comment personally.

LANCE’S FATHER (CONT’D)

Oh, come on, pal, I didn’t mean it
that way!

EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD - MORNING

Cue: “Let’s Get it Up” by AC/DC.

THE JUDGE (the shiny orange 69 Pontiac GTO from Ian’s photo)
now rumbles aggressively through the Chicago suburbs.

INT. THE JUDGE

Rex drives and sings loudly. Dylan rides shotgun. Ian sits
in back; he’s now dressed in a purple polo and visor,
embroidered with a “Señor Donut” logo. Rex turns the radio
down.

REX
Ian - question. And I want a
straight answer. You queer?

IAN
What?

REX
God damn it! I knew it!

IAN
I didn't say anything!

REX
Exactly. When someone asks if
you're a pole-smoker, you deny it
right off. No pause! No fartin'
around! Jesus, Ian!

IAN
Rex, I'm not gay.

DYLAN
You're eighteen and you ain't even
had one girlfriend.

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 9.

REX
That’s how people wind up getting
gay, ya know.

IAN
I don’t think that’s really how it
happens. But anyway, I’m not gay.

DYLAN
Well, Dad thinks you’re are.

IAN
What!?

REX
You're breaking the old man's
heart.

IAN
Look, there’s this girl I've been
kinda getting to know on MySpace.

REX
MySpace? Oh, for fuck’s sake!
Don't you watch Dateline? She's
probably a guy, Ian! Some fat old
dude who wants to pound you up the
tailpipe!

EXT. MALL PARKING LOT

The Judge stops and Ian climbs out.

REX
Have fun at work. Try not to come
home any gayer than you are now.

INT. MALL FOOD COURT - SEÑOR DONUT

RON is prepping the donut shop for another day. He's a *

middle-aged man in a tight button-up manager’s shirt that *
shows off his gut. Ian enters the store. *

RON
(sarcastic)
Ian! So good of you to bless me
with your presence. Gee, I hope
I’m not putting you out.

IAN
Sorry, Ron. My brother drove
and... It's only eight oh-three.

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 10.

RON
Oh-three. Oh-three, huh? Yeah.
That's not gonna cut the cheese
around here, captain. At Señor
Donut we plan to be ten minutes
early. That way if we miss it by
an oh three, we’re still early by
an oh-six. Comprendé?

IAN
Right. Sorry.

Ian puts on an apron and begins prepping the counter. Cue

“Got You Where I Want You” by the Flys as several lovely
female mall employees arrive and walk by in slow motion. Ian
sneaks longing looks at each of them. Several quick close up
shots of hair, smiles, exposed thongs and the impressions of
bras and hard nipples through tight shirts.

Finally a cute, detached girl about Ian's age shows up

wearing the same Señor Donut uniform and looking tired. Ian
gives her a friendly smile. She doesn’t return the favor.

IAN (CONT’D)
Hey, Becca.

BECCA
Hey. Hey, Ron. Sorry I’m late.

RON
No worries, girlfriend.

Ian gives Ron a “what the fuck?” look.

RON (CONT’D)
(lascivious)
Looks like you had a long, nasty
night. Ron and Ian want the four-
one-uno.

BECCA
Whatever. You guys are gross.

IAN
I’m not gross. I didn’t say
anything.

Becca rolls her eyes and goes into the back.

INT. SEÑOR DONUT - BACK ROOM

Becca is taking a huge foam Señor Donut mascot costume out of

a box. Ian comes in to get a bag of powdered sugar.

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 11.

BECCA
(holding up the suit)
Ian?

IAN
No way, Becca. I did coupon rounds
yesterday.

BECCA
(hugging him)
Oh, Ian. Come on. You’d so be my
hero. I’d love you so, so much.

INT. MALL FOOD COURT - DAY

A giant foam donut walks through the food court, handing out
coupons. Señor Donut wears a small sombrero, black tights
and a purple cape. Ian’s right arm sticks out of the suit.
The left arm is fake as Ian’s real left arm is kept inside
the suit to operate the mouth. (Like the Big Bird suit.) He
tries to hand out coupons but he’s a soft, timid sell.

IAN
Hi. Would you like a coupon for
six free-- No? Okay, cool. Sorry.

Ian turns to find Ron in his way, arms folded.

RON
Hmmm. You don’t sound like Señor
Donut. You sound more like Mr.-I-
don’t-take-pride-in-my-job-because-
I’m-a-spoiled-suburban-kid-who’s-
had-everything-handed-to-me-Donut.

IAN
Ron, come on. I suck at doing the
voice. Please?

Ron gives Ian a stern look and then points to a woman coming
their way. Ian turns to her and in a lame Mexican accent...

IAN (CONT’D)
Hola. Theees eeez a coupon for
seeex free donuts. Es Mui Bueno!

The woman stares back uncomfortably and then looks to her

left. Ian turns to see what she’s looking at. A Mexican
family is standing nearby and glaring at Ian.

IAN (CONT’D)
(normal voice)
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any...

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 12.

The family walks away, offended. Ian sighs.

INT. MALL DRESS SHOP

Felicia steps out of a fitting room, wearing a poofy yellow

dress with a huge bow. She looks miserable. Tiffany
circles, nodding her approval.

TIFFANY
Oh, my, god. That is sooo cute on
you. You could be hot if you quit
dressing like so... agro. Now that
you’re eighteen you should totally
be thinking about getting those
boobs done too. You know?

Tiff gestures to her own fake boobs, then turns away to flip
through a rack of dresses. Felicia mimes plunging a knife
into Tiff’s back over and over. Tiff turns to look at
Felicia, who stops killing her and smiles back innocently.

TIFFANY (CONT’D)
You know?

FELICIA
Yeah. Boobs. Good. Made a note.

Felicia notices Señor Donut out in the mall, going up the

escalator. He’s surrounded by a group of white ten-year-old
gang-banger-wannabes. They push Ian and he falls sideways,
rolling down to the bottom and out entrance. The kids follow
him down.

INT. MALL

Felicia jogs from the shop, holding her dress off the ground.
As she arrives, the kids are stomping Ian like a narc.

FELICIA
Aright, piss off, mallrats.

They stop. Their leader steps to Felicia with a precocious

swagger. He’s a foot shorter than she.

MALLRAT
Yo, banana-ass-lookin’ bitch.
Y’all ain’t gonna roll up on our
shit and start bustin’ out to-dos.

His friends laugh until Felicia grabs him by the ear and
twists until he grimaces in pain.

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 13.

FELICIA
Listen, Trevor or Logan or Cody or
whatever the fuck your name is,
look at this dress. Do I look like
I’m in the mood for your bullshit?

MALLRAT
Owie. Owie.

FELICIA
Yeah, that’s right, owie.

She releases him.

FELICIA (CONT’D)
And take the god damn price tag off
your hat.

She rips the price sticker off the bill of his baseball cap.

MALLRAT
Damn, shorty!

He stands down and tries to maintain his strut as he leads

his gang away.

FELICIA
You alright, Ian?

IAN
Yeah. Wow. You look pretty.

FELICIA
Oh, god! Shut up.

Just then, Lance appears next to them.

LANCE
Damn. Tough day for donut boy.

FELICIA
Not a word about the dress. I
swear to fucking god.

Ian flounders on the floor, unable to stand.

IAN
A little help?

Felicia and Lance help him up.

IAN (CONT’D)
This job sucks so hard.

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 14.

FELICIA
Ian, why don’t you just quit?

IAN
I can’t just quit, Felicia. I only
got two weeks left to save for
college. Tuition’s gone up to--

Lance interrupts, pointing to the donut mouth that Ian is

flapping as he speaks.

LANCE
Ian, why you gotta do that - work
the mouth when you talk to us?

FELICIA
(sarcastic)
You can’t fool us, Ian. We know
you’re not really a big Mexican
donut.

IAN
(not working the mouth)
Sorry. Habit. Here, give me a
hand with this.

Ian struggles to get his head out of the back of the suit.
He sits on a bench. Lance helps. Ian takes a deep breath.

LANCE
So, how’s it going with that chick
at work?

IAN
Becca. Not that great.

FELICIA
Good. She’s totally wrong for you,
anyway.

IAN
That’s what you say about everyone.

Tiffany waves Felicia back into the store.

FELICIA
I gotta go. Satan calls.

LANCE
Looks like Satan got new titties.

FELICIA *
So, we’re still on for tomorrow? *

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 15.

IAN *
Got the place to myself, I promise. *

FELICIA *
Awesome. You always come through *
for me. *
(leaning in) *
Hey, it won’t be weird for you if I *
stay over Saturday? *

IAN *
Why would it be weird? *

SLAM CUT TO: *

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BONFIRE PARTY - NIGHT

TITLE: “FIVE MONTHS AGO”

Ian stands alone by the fire. Felicia stumbles over and hugs
him. She’s a bit drunk.

FELICIA
Ian. Hey, dude. Guess what.

IAN
What?

FELICIA
I have a secret. Girl secret. Can
you deal?

IAN
Sure. What do you got?

Felicia is flustered, giggly and uncharacteristically girly.

FELICIA
I...Duh. This is so lame.

IAN
Look at you acting like such a
girl. You’re creeping me out.

FELICIA
I know. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Here it is. I have a crush on
someone. A boy. A guy.

IAN
Really. Wow. Who?

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 16.

FELICIA
Oh, I bet you know who. You know
me better than anyone. So guess.

A look of great understanding comes over Ian’s face.

IAN
I think I know.

He nervously leans in for a kiss. Felicia sobers, pulling

away. Her face is awash with confusion and pity. Ian has
made a terrible mistake. He lamely tries to back-pedal.

IAN (CONT’D)
Kidding. Got you.

FELICIA
Ian. You’re my best friend. I
just don’t think we--

IAN
I know. Totally kidding. I mean,
“whatever” right? Yeah...

He’s not fooling anyone.

IAN (CONT’D)
So, who is it? Who’s the lucky...

FELICIA
Oh, nobody. I was kidding too.

IAN
Oh. That’s funny. I guess.

Pull back, as they stand together in an awkward silence as

several kids party around them.

SLAM CUT BACK TO PRESENT: INT. MALL *

FELICIA *
Okay, see you guys tomorrow. *

Felicia trots back to the dress shop. Ian pushes his head *
back into the suit. He and Lance walk through the mall *
together. Ian occasionally hands off a coupon to someone. *

LANCE *
So, this Becca chick - you been *
doing like I told you? Being a *
dick? *

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 17.

IAN
Yeah, kinda. Kind of a dick.

LANCE
She made you wear the costume
again, didn’t she? (off Ian’s lack
of reply) See? Your nice guy
thing works for shit. If you’da
told her to fuck off, she’d be two
knuckles deep, day-dreaming about
your bone right now.

A woman with two little kids, glares at them.

IAN
Lance, I’m actually at work. Can
we not do this here?

LANCE
I’m just sayin’, if you ever want
to get laid, you’re going to have
to quit worrying about what chicks
think of you. Look at Andy and
Randy over there. Those guys could
give a fuck.

Two awkward, dim-faced, badly dressed teenage boys stand

outside an arcade. Oblivious to their own lack of appeal,
every girl that passes gets hit on.

IAN
Andy and Randy? Those guys are
total nards.

LANCE
For real. But pay attention.

A pretty, fresh-faced girl is carrying a box marked, “Holy

Cross Children’s Fund.” She approaches ANDY & RANDY.

CHRISTIAN GIRL
Hi. Would you like to help the
underprivileged children?

They converge on her like velociraptors. They both speak in

the same, rapid-fire monotone.

ANDY
Not really.

RANDY
You wanna party?

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 18.

CHRISTIAN GIRL
Um. No. I’m kinda working.

ANDY
When are you done?

RANDY
What are you doing after?

CHRISTIAN GIRL
Um, I have a church thing tonight.

ANDY
Kick ass. We’ll come.

RANDY
Yeah, where is it?

ANDY
There gonna be more hot chicks like
you there?

Lance and Ian look on.

IAN
So, what? They never get anywhere.

LANCE
That’s because they don’t know how
to close. But their ability to
open is god damned heroic.
Absolutely no fear of rejection.

Andy and Randy keep up the pressure, following her away.

RANDY
Do you wear thong underpants?

ANDY
You want us to take our shirts off?

INT. SEÑOR DONUT - BACK ROOM - EVENING

Ian, still dressed in the donut suit, hassles with his

locker. He breaks off his key. Ron appears in the doorway.

RON
Oh, Ian. What am I going to do
with you, laddie? You can wear it
home, but take good care of it.
That costume costs more than you
make in a year.

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 19.

EXT. MALL - EVENING

Rex pulls up to the curb in the Judge. Ian runs up to the

car, still in the donut suit and working the mouth.

IAN
Rex. It’s me!

REX
What the fuck is that shit?

IAN
I broke off the key in my locker.

REX
Well I ain’t gonna be seen driving
around with Señor Numbnut. Stow
that shit in the trunk.

Ian pops the trunk and bashfully strips off the costume,
leaving him just in his t-shirt and tighty-whities. Several
passing shoppers glance over. Ian stuffs the costume in the
trunk and dashes for the passenger door. Rex slowly pulls
ahead, Ian runs along side. Rex laughs way too hard.

REX (CONT'D)
Come on! Get in, fairy!

Ian reaches for the door but Rex stays just far enough ahead.
Ian runs faster and opens the door. Before he can jump in,
Rex slams on the brakes. Ian bounces off the inside of the
door and falls flat on his back in the street.

REX (CONT’D)
Ha!!! You suck, Ian!

Ian lies there groaning.

REX (CONT’D)
Don't be such a puss! Seriously,
quit dickin' around and get in.

EXT. IAN’S HOUSE - EVENING

The Judge pulls into the driveway. Ian gets out. A car
pulls in behind him. IT’S BECCA! She climbs out. Ian coyly
pulls his shirt down over his grunds. This is awkward.

IAN
Becca. Hey. I didn’t know you
were coming over. I didn’t even
know you knew where I lived.

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 20.

BECCA
Yeah. I do, so...

She looks down at his lack of pants.

IAN
Oh. Funny story. I broke my key--

BECCA
Is Dylan here?

IAN
What? Dylan. My brother Dylan?

BECCA
Yeah. Is he here?

IAN
My fourteen-year-old brother Dylan?

Becca scowls at Ian. Dylan opens the front door and waves to
Becca. She sends him a big smile and starts off toward him.

IAN (CONT’D)
You know he’s fourteen, right?

DYLAN
Nice underpants, Ian! He’s
probably cooking up a big wicked
bacon strip in there.

Becca and Rex laugh.

INT. IAN’S BEDROOM - LATER

Ian is putting on a pair of sweatpants. Dylan and Becca come

in, making out.

DYLAN
Ian. Get out of my room!

IAN
It’s my room too. You guys can go
downstairs.

DYLAN
No way. The couch down there reeks
like grandma farts. DAD! Ian’s
spying on us!

IAN’S FATHER (O.S.)

Ian! Quit being a perv and give
your brother some privacy!

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 21.

INT. IAN’S HOUSE - BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER

The basement is unfinished. The old mismatched furniture

clashes with the shag carpet. Rex’s weight bench and
punching bag are set up in one corner. Ian sits down at a
desk, dons his glasses and fires up an old, yellowed
computer. A sign taped to the monitor reads, “Dad’s Computer
- No Surfing the World Wide Internets!” A Windows 98 logo
comes up. Ian sighs as the dial-up tones sputter and beep.

INTERCUT - MYSPACE CYBER RAVE / IAN’S BASEMENT

Again we move through the crowd until we arrive on Ms. Tasty.

MS. TASTY
Ian, baby!

IAN
What up, Tasty?

MS. TASTY
I’ve been in bed all day, thinking
about you.

Cut to Ian in the real world. He’s wide-eyed and freaked.

IAN
Really?

Back to cool, flirty cyber-Ian.

IAN (CONT’D)
Really.

MS. TASTY
I have an idea. You should jump in
that tight ride of yours and drive
it down to Knoxville this weekend
so we can hook up in person.

IAN
Yeah, whatever. I don’t know.
Knoxville’s a long way.

MS. TASTY
I think I can make it worth the
drive.

Back in reality, Ian’s jaw drops. He types the word, “HOW?”

He takes a deep breath before clicking “Send.” Push in on
Ian’s expectant face as the reply comes in: “MsTasty: U DRIVE
ALL THE WAY HERE 4 ME AND I’ll GO ALL THE WAY WITH U.” Ian
stares back at the screen, wide-eyed.

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 22.

IAN
All the way. She wants to go all
the way. With me. (HUGE GRIN) She
wants to go all the way with me!

Cut to a vinyl record dropping on dad’s old turntable. After

a moment of crackling, cue “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod
Stewart. Ian dances in wild celebration, performing moves
that are as sexually suggestive as they are awkward. He
sings along. He starts punching Rex’s punching bag, then he
starts humping it as part of the dance. He freezes when he
hears the need scrape off the record.

Ian’s dad stands at the turntable. Ian lamely tries to morph

the dance into acting casual. He’s out of breath.

IAN (CONT’D)
Hey, I was just...exercising.

IAN’S FATHER
What’d I tell you about monkeying
with my 45s?

Dad takes the record and moves on. Ian drops his head. A
moment later, Dylan enters.

DYLAN
Dude. Becca just left.

IAN
So?

DYLAN
You wanna smell my finger?

Ian glares back, annoyed. After a beat:

IAN
Yeah, okay.

Ian takes a whiff, then winces.

IAN (CONT’D)
Ugh. Are you sure you got the
right hole?

Dylan looks slightly alarmed and confused. He sniffs it.

INT. DRUG STORE - DAY

Close on the condom section - several shelves filled with all

manner of rubbers. Ian nonchalantly breezes by, reading the
boxes as he passes.

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 23.

Further down the aisle, he puts a few items in his basket.

He breezes by again, tries to stop, too uncomfortable, keeps
moving. A moment later he returns. A cart is parked between
Ian and the condoms. A soccer mom drifts down the aisle,
away from the cart, leaving her cute-as-a-button two-year-old
girl perched in the cart seat.

LITTLE GIRL
Hi.

Ian gives her a strained smile as he reaches over her for a

box. He inadvertently triggers an electronic display. A ten-
inch condom-man dances, waves it’s arms and hollers:

RUBBER-MAN
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU CHOSE RAMSES
FOR MAXIMUM STIMULATION!

Ian snaps his hand away, knocking several boxes of condoms

into the cart. The child’s mother turns to give Ian a
suspicious glance. Ian musters a smile back. Mom starts
back his way. Ian grabs one box and bolts.

When the mom returns, her baby girl presents her with a box
of Magnums.

LITTLE GIRL’S MOM

Yeah, I wish.

INT. DRUG STORE - CASHIER LINE

Ian now has a pile of junk in his basket. He gets into the
line of a frumpy, middle-aged cashier. Suddenly, another
lane is opened by a beautiful, bubbly woman.

HOT CASHIER
I can help the next person.

IAN
Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just--

HOT CASHIER
Oh, come on now. Let’s get you
taken care of.

She comes out and takes Ian’s basket, leading him to her
aisle. She starts ringing up his items.

HOT CASHIER (CONT’D)

You don’t remember me, do you Ian?
Terry? I used to babysit you.

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 24.

IAN
Oh. Sure. Terry. Wow.

HOT CASHIER
You’ve gotten so big. I used to
change your poopy diapers.

IAN
Oh, yeah. I don’t really do that
anymore. I just use the ah...

Ian nervously eyes the condoms. Horror movie suspense music

builds as she excavates them, item by item. Finally she
reaches for the box, but just then:

CASHIER BOY (O.S.)

Terry. Phone call.

HOT CASHIER
Oh. Well, it was nice to see you,
Ian. Say, “Hi” to your mom for me.

Ian breathes a sigh of relief as she steps away.

IAN
Definitely.

Another employee takes over, a big good-looking skater guy

about Ian’s age.

CASHIER BOY
Dude. Weren’t you in my gym class?
What is it - Egan?

IAN
Ian. Yeah. Hey, Jordan.

Jordan isn’t excited to see Ian. He picks up the box of

condoms. He cracks up laughing.

CASHIER BOY
Oh, right! Whatever, scrote! You
can’t get your fist pregnant!

He raises the box high and calls out to another boy, working
thirty feet away.

CASHIER BOY (CONT’D)

Russ, man! Check it out, yo! Look
who’s buying jimmies!

Russ cracks up. Ian looks around. Terry, the little girl,
her mom, and three old ladies all stare back at him.

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 25.

CASHIER BOY (CONT’D)

You want these gift wrapped?

Ian snatches the box back. Russ taps him on the shoulder and
snaps a picture with his camera phone. Freeze on the awful
picture of Ian, looking surprised and holding up the condoms.

EXT. DRUG STORE

The doors slide open, the laughters escape along with Ian.
He steps out to find Andy & Randy sitting on the curb out
front. A girl passes them on her way into the store.

ANDY
Hey, baby, you wanna party?

RANDY
You wanna make out with us?

She ignores them, which doesn’t bother them a bit. Something

compels Ian to stop, but he’s not sure what to say.

RANDY (CONT’D)
Why don’t you take a picture, Ian?

ANDY
Yeah, and post it on total-fuckin’-
awesomeness-dot-com.

IAN
Can I ask you guys a question?

RANDY
You just did.

IAN
Okay. Can I ask you another
question?

ANDY
You just did! Ha!

They giggle and high-five. Ian turns to go.

RANDY
No. Dude, what?

IAN
Okay. Where do you guys get the
confidence to, you know, like hit
on every girl you see?

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 26.

ANDY
‘Cause we’re the shit.

RANDY
You oughts to know that, bitch.

ANDY
So, where’s Felate-cha?

RANDY
Felate-cha. You bangin’ her?

IAN
We’re just friends.

ANDY
I thought you took her to prom.

IAN
Yeah, but it was a ‘just-friends’
kind of thing.

RANDY
I don’t get it.

ANDY
You should bang her. We would.

RANDY
Dude, we would bang her so hard.

ANDY
Tell her we’ll bang her.

Ian walks away.

RANDY
Yeah, hard.

EXT. IAN’S HOUSE - DAY

Rex, Dylan and Dad are loading luggage and dirtbikes into a
trailer, towed by a huge SUV, parked in the street. Ian
rides his bike into the garage, carrying his bag from the
drug store. Ian’s stepmother comes out with a cooler.

IAN’S STEPMOTHER
Ian, sweetie. Are you sure you
don’t want to come along and cheer
on your little brother?

Ian looks over. Dylan gives him the finger.

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 27.

IAN
Yeah. Sounds fun but I gotta work.

IAN’S STEPMOTHER
Okay, sweetie. There’s a taco
casserole in the freezer and I put
forty dollars in the cow for fun
money. Be safe, okay?

She kisses him on the cheek. Ian smiles. Ian’s dad calls
over from the truck.

IAN’S DAD
Where’s Jessica? We’re burning
daylight, people!

INT. IAN’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ian puts the box of condoms on the desk, sits down and stares
at them. He lifts some Google maps from the printer - the
route from Bartlett, IL to Knoxville, TN. Also, a list
titled, “Things to Bring On Trip to Have Sex:”

1) Maps and directions

2) Condoms
3) New black shirt - cool
4) Phone
5) Phone charger
6) iPod
7) iPod charger
8) Money
9) This list

Ian cracks open the box of condoms, removes one from its
pouch and starts to unroll it. It rolls out longer and
longer until it’s about a foot long. Ian stares at it,
distressed. After a beat, he looks up. Jessica stands in
the hall, holding a duffel bag. She’s looking in, disturbed.
She walks on.

Ian throws the rubber in the waste basket. He considers the

box for a second. He throws the whole box away, along with
the maps and the list. He gets up and exits his room.

INT. IAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

Lance walks in as Ian is coming downstairs. Lance has his

phone to his ear but isn’t speaking into it.

LANCE
Dude! What is going on with you?
You bought rubbers!?

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 28.

IAN
How’d you know that?

LANCE
It’s on Russ Miller’s blog.

QUICK INSERT: A screenshot of a blog called Miller’s High

Life - decorated with pot leaves. Top story says, “Ian
Lafferty Wastes Money on Jimmies!” The story features the
phone photo of Ian, holding the box of condoms.

IAN
Jesus! That was like (checks his
watch) eleven minutes ago.

LANCE
So, what the F!?

INT. IAN’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Close on the photo of Ms. Tasty. Lance’s gaping mouth is

reflected on the screen next to her picture.

LANCE
Duuuuude. This chick? For reals?

IAN
She wants me to meet her tonight at
the Shakey’s in Knoxville.

LANCE
So, why isn’t your ass on it’s way
to Tennessee right now?

IAN
I thought about it. That’s why I
bought the... those. (re: rubbers)
But, I can’t. I’m grounded.

LANCE
Grounded? What are you, nine?

IAN
(re: phone) What are you, on hold?

LANCE
No. Robbie Dibbitz called me
accidentally. I can hear him
talking to somebody. I wanna hear
if he shit-talks me.

Ian gives an incredulous look that has no effect on Lance.

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 29.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Oh my God, Ian. Do you remember
what I said when you blew your
chance to rack up some clutch
experience with a very shit-faced
Lindsay McKay?

IAN
I had to give Felicia a ride home
that night. She was sick, remember?

Ian starts flossing nervously.

LANCE
And what did I say?

IAN
That I was a pussy?

LANCE
A raging pussy. And I said, “What
do you want, a written invitation?”
Guess what dipshit - this IS a
written invitation! So kick it in
the ass, G!

Lance removes the condoms and maps from the trash.

IAN
Lance. She doesn’t want me, okay?
She wants him...

Ian clicks a button and brings up the doctored photo of

himself.

LANCE
Ohhhh. That’s what that picture
was all about.

Lance lets out a short burst of laughter before catching

himself. Ian walks out.

INT. IAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN

Ian comes downstairs into the kitchen. Lance follows.

LANCE
Ian! It’s not that bad. You look
like that picture...more or less.

IAN
Lance. Let it go.

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 30.

LANCE
Dude, I’ve been trying to get you
laid every summer since my dad
moved here. Now, sack-up, bro.

IAN
Seriously, just forget it. Ms.
Tasty’s probably a guy anyway.

LANCE
Maybe. But what if she’s not?

Ian cracks a smile.

IAN
She’s pretty, eh?

LANCE
Pretty? Yeah. Pretty fuckin’ hot.

Lance hears something in the phone he doesn’t like.

LANCE (CONT’D)
That motherfucker. (yelling into
his phone) I heard that Robbie, you
backstabbin’ prick!

Lance hangs up. After a beat, he’s right back on task.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Dude, come on! You already opened.
I can help you close. We just need
one thing...

INT. IAN’S HOUSE - GARAGE

Ian and Lance stare at the Judge. It sparkles and shines.

LANCE
You roll up in this fucker and
she’ll drop an egg right in the
Shakey’s parking lot.

IAN
Rex’ll never let me take the Judge.

LANCE
You don’t know if you don’t ask.

Outside, Ian’s dad fires up the SUV. Rex jogs into the
garage.

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 31.

REX
Yo. Fuckstick. Heed these words:
That car moves so much as a dick-
hair, a fly so much as farts on it
and you die a brutal death, fag.

Rex punches Ian in the arm. Ian rubs his arm as Rex stomps
off, laughing. Ian gestures toward him as if to tell Lance,
“I told you so.” Rex points the clicker over his shoulder,
closing the garage door with Ian and Lance still inside.

LANCE
What a dick. You should take his
car just on principle.

IAN
I don’t even have a key, Lance.

Lance turns and begins probing the underside of the car along
the edges. Just ahead of the rear wheel, he hits paydirt - a
small, black, magnetic box, printed with a Hide-a-Key logo.
He slides the box open, producing the car key.

IAN (CONT’D)
Lance, no. Didn’t you hear him?

LANCE
Ian. Look at me. Yes. Rex might
find out. And he might kick the
holy shit out of you. But this is
your last chance. You don’t step
up now, you’re a college virgin.

Ian stares back gravely, thinking it over.

LANCE (CONT’D)
She’s nine short hours away. We
head down tonight, you pound that
va-jay, and we’re back tomorrow,
Rex’ll never even know it was gone.
You lose your virginity tonight,
Ian. To-night.

CLANK!! Ian and Lance startle as the garage door opener

kicks in. The door begins to rise, exposing Rex’s boots and
slowly more of him. They fumble with the key box as the door
inches higher. Ian dives to put it back.

LANCE (CONT’D)
No! It was back here!

Lance points to where he found it. Ian reaches out, dropping

the key box. Lance turns to get it, accidentally kicking it
under the car. The door is up to Rex’s chest!

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 32.

Ian lunges under the car but it’s just out of his reach. He
painfully stretches out, his finger tips tickle the key box.
Finally he gets it and tosses it back to Lance who puts it in
place. Ian scrambles out from under the Judge.

Rex’s POV as the door clears his eyes. Ian is on his knees
as though he might blow Lance. He peeks around Lance at Rex.

REX
For god’s sake. You two rump
rangers couldn’t wait five minutes.

Rex shakes his head as he steps in. He retrieves the key box
from under the car. He points a warning finger at Ian and
Lance as he walks backwards to the SUV. They drive off.

LANCE
Shit!

Cue “Let’s Get It Up” - balls-out-loud as Ian gives Lance a

dubious smiles. Ian holds up the key.

EXT. IAN’S HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY

The Judge thunders to life and pulls out over the camera like
the Star Destroyer at the top of Star Wars. The car stops as
Felicia is now standing in the way. She’s holding a bag of
groceries and videos. She crosses to Ian’s open window.

FELICIA
Ian? Are you on crack? Rex is
going to castrate you.

IAN
True that.

FELICIA
You two better not be bitchin’ out
on me. You promised.

IAN
We’re not.

FELICIA
Okay. So, where we going?

Lance tries to wave Ian off from telling Felicia.

IAN
Um...Knoxville, Tennessee.

Felicia considers the destination for a moment.

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 33.

FELICIA
(unfazed)
Yeah, okay. Lemmie get my stuff.

She hands Ian the bag of goodies and then bolts to her house.

LANCE
Dude. You do not want Felicia
along. I know you guys are friends
but she’s always cock-blocking you.

IAN
No she isn’t. She doesn’t even
have...one.

LANCE
Fine, twat-blocking you then. You
know what I mean.

IAN
Yeah. But, her cousin-- I kinda
promised. She’ll be mad.

LANCE
She’ll get over it. Be a man.

Felicia throws her bag in and jumps in the back. *

LANCE (CONT’D) *
I thought you had a wedding this *
weekend. You sure you can go? *

FELICIA *
The wedding’s not ‘til next month. *
So, what’s in Tennessee? *

IAN
(stammering)
Um...Cancer.

FELICIA
Cancer?

IAN
Yeah. My grandma's got some cancer.

FELICIA
Nana Lafferty?

IAN
No, my other grandma. I’m going to
visit her. It’s probably gonna
suck. You know, old people stuff.
You don’t have to go.

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 34.

FELICIA
Oh my god, Grammy K? Of course
I’ll go. Is she...

Felicia’s eyes well up with tears. Ian realizes he well

overshot the lie.

IAN
Oh! No! It’s not like fatal.
It’s just, um...foot cancer.

LANCE
Foot cancer.

FELICIA
What’s she doing in Tennessee?

IAN
Oh, there’s this really kick ass
cancer center there. It’s like
famous. If you ever get any cancer
(trailing off) you should totally
check it out...

Ian realizes he blew it and he’s stuck with her. He shrugs

to Lance, who just shakes his head.

INT. THE JUDGE - LATER

They fly along the highway. Felicia sits in back, leaning

against the window. Her iPod earbuds are in. Lance takes
the Google maps out of his pocket and flips through them.

LANCE
What are we on - 294? So, you want
I-80 east. Then 65 south all the
way through Indiana.

Felicia emits an unintended guttural hum along with her

music. She sounds like a retarded zombie. Ian and Lance
laugh. She pulls an earbud out.

FELICIA
What? What’s so funny?

IAN
Nothing. There was just a guy
going by going all like...

She puts the earbud back in. A moment later, she’s humming
again. Ian checks his watch. He speaks quietly to Lance.

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 35.

IAN (CONT’D)
I’m meeting her at eight thirty.
If we only stop for gas, we should
be able to make that.

LANCE
Nice. So? How’s it feel?

IAN
What?

LANCE
I don’t know - Breaking some rules?
Talkin’ some shit? Driving the
Judge to get some poon?

IAN
(smiles)
Feels pretty good.

Cue: “Steady At The Wheel” by Shooter Jennings.

They pass a “Welcome to Indiana” sign. The country flies by.

Ian effortlessly blows by a camper. Several drivers take
notice of the classic muscle car, some even wave or give a
thumbs up. A hot girl in a convertible smiles. They pass
through Indianapolis. Ian leans back, feeling like a badass.

FADE MUSIC

Felicia points to a passing billboard for a new romantic

comedy called, “What Part of No?” It features a knockout
blonde with her arms folded and her back to a fat, nerdy guy
who looks as though he’s got a plan to seduce her.

FELICIA
Are you guys gonna go see that?

LANCE
Pass. That’s just another movie
where the girl’s hot and the guy’s
a dork but he’s persistent. So he
comes on with a bunch of cute, zany
shit that, in the real world, would
get you arrested.

IAN
Right. But he wears her down until
she falls in love with him over a
game of putt-putt or something.

LANCE
Pure bullshit. Nobody’s ever
gotten laid off mini-golf.

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 36.

FELICIA
Yeah, and the girl, who’s supposed
to be so great, always has some
boyfriend who’s a total rod.

IAN
That’s the only realistic part.

FELICIA
Shut up. It is not.

IAN *
Oh, really? Your last three *
boyfriends - All major, supreme *
dicks. *

Felicia smiles, she can’t deny it. *

LANCE *
It’s not her fault. People like a *
challenge. Everybody wants what *
they can’t get. *

This point makes Ian and Felicia uncomfortable. *

FELICIA *
Yeah, well, those guys didn’t start *
off as dicks. They turned into *
dicks. That’s what all you guys *
are - instant shithead kits - just *
add love. *

The Judge moves through rural Indiana. Ian tries to pass a *

pimped out Honda with black windows but the car speeds up. *

LANCE
Dude wants to race. (Out the
window.) Let’s go, pussy!

IAN
Lance! Don’t start shit. You
don’t know who’s in there.

LANCE
Bring ‘em on!

IAN
Cut it out, man.

LANCE
You’ve never been in a fight, have
you Ian?

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 37.

IAN
So? Fighting’s stupid.

LANCE
True. But everybody should get in
at least one fight. It’s good for
you. That includes you, Leesh.

FELICIA
Oh yeah? What if you get the shit
kicked out of you?

LANCE
That’s even better for you.

The driver gives Ian the finger out his sunroof.

FELICIA
(sarcastic)
Uh, oh. I’m pretty sure that’s a
direct challenge to your manhood.

LANCE
Yeah! Come on, bury this jag-off!

IAN
I’m not racing in my brother’s car.

The Honda swerves toward them. Ian swerves out of the way.

IAN (CONT’D)
Jesus! What the fuck!?

Honda boy heaves a huge Hardee’s cup out the sunroof. It

lands on Ian’s side and blankets pink milk-shake across the
Judge’s entire windshield. Ian, Lance and Felicia scream as
they are driving blind. Ian turns on the wipers but they
only slosh the shake around. Lance sticks his head out the
window, they are about to hit a parked camper.

LANCE
WINNEBAGO! AHHHHGGG!!

Ian slams on the brakes, sending Felicia flying over the seat
and onto the floor at Lance’s feet. The Judge swerves, barely
missing the camper. The cars behind them weave chaotically.

The Judge finally stops in the grassy median. Everyone

catches their breath. Felicia rises up from the floor of the
front seat. Lance reaches out and dips his finger into the
liquid on the windshield. He tastes it.

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 38.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Strawberry. You’re telling me we
couldn’t have wasted some dildo who
drinks strawberry fuckin’ shakes?

EXT. TRUCKSTOP - DAY

Lance is washing the windshield. Ian gives Felicia some

cash. He’s bouncing on his heels, desperate to pee.

IAN
I really gotta take a whiz. Can
you put some gas in?

FELICIA
No problemo. Go take that whiz.

INT. TRUCKSTOP

Felicia walks in. A pretty, blonde hick cashier in her early

twenties stands behind the counter, crying. Her raccoon eyes
suggest this has been going on a while. Her name tag says,
“BRANDY.”

FELICIA
Um... You okay?

BRANDY
Do I look like I’m okay? Fuck.

She continues crying for a long awkward moment.

FELICIA
You know what might make you feel
better? Putting forty on pump two.

Brandy snatches Felicia’s money and slams it into the drawer.

Felicia rolls her eyes and steps out as Lance is coming in.

EXT. TRUCKSTOP

Felicia returns to the gas pump. She realizes that the

Judge’s gas tank is on the other side. She gets in the car.

INT. TRUCKSTOP RESTROOM

Ian stands before a urinal.

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 39.

IAN
(whispering to himself)
Come on, come on, come on. Before
anyone comes in.

The door kicks open and a huge TRUCKER walks in. Out of ten
urinals, he picks the one right next to Ian.

TRUCKER
Woo! My back teeth are snorkeling!

The trucker immediately starts peeing. After a beat, he

notices Ian isn’t. He looks over.

TRUCKER (CONT’D)
You got the shy bladder?

IAN
Yeah.

TRUCKER
I used to have it something fierce.
They call it Paruresis. You see
your mind is conditioned to react
to certain situations by building a
wall of fear all around you. The
only way to crumble those bricks of
anxiety is to give yourself
permission to be vulnerable.
(still peeing) Know what I’m
saying?

EXT. TRUCKSTOP

Felicia does a U-turn but before she can get back, a shit-box
mini-van pulls up to Felicia’s pump. A nasty red-haired
REDNECK WOMAN in a transparent visor climbs out, followed by
several creepy children. She starts pumping Felicia’s gas
into her van as she lights a cigarette. (She’s also wearing a
nicotine patch.) Felicia gets out and steps up to her.

FELICIA
Excuse me, ma’am? That was my pump.

REDNECK WOMAN
Hey! Tough shit. Move your meat,
lose your seat. (to her kid) Don’t
you eat that, Logan! You’ll ruin
your appetite!

Her creepy seven-year-old is scraping a discarded, melted

Rolo off the ground. He does eat it.

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 40.

FELICIA
Listen, Reba, if you value either
one of those teeth you got left,
shut off the pump.

Felicia is smaller than the woman but her face is all fire.
The woman considers her for a long beat.

INT. TRUCKSTOP RESTROOM

The trucker is still peeing. Ian still isn’t.

TRUCKER
...so I said to my daddy, “That’s
it. I ain’t gonna be bossed around
no more. Not by you, not by my
wife and sure as hell not by my
bladder.” You know what he said?

Ian walks out. The trucker looks slighted. Still peeing.

EXT. TRUCKSTOP

Ian comes outside. Felicia is finishing up pumping the gas.

She smiles like nothing happened.

Lance comes out of the truckstop with his arm around Brandy,
the counter girl, who’s still crying. Ian and Felicia
exchange annoyed expressions.

LANCE
It’s okay, Brandy. Yeah, you let
it out, baby. He’s a bastard.

You’d swear Lance’s heart was breaking too until he covertly

smiles and raises a triumphant thumbs-up to Ian. Lance opens
the door of the Judge and escorts her into the back seat.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Don’t worry, Lancey’s gonna get you
home and into a nice hot bath.

Lance closes her door and walks around to climb in the other
side, but Ian stops him halfway and whisper-yells.

IAN
Lance, what are you doing?

LANCE
Dude, I’m just trying to show
another human being some
compassion...and my dick.

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 41.

IAN
No! We’re already off the schedule!

LANCE
The whole trip can’t just be about
you, Ian.

INT. THE JUDGE - DAY

The Judge drives past endless rows of corn. Ian and Felicia
are pissed. In the back, Lance is making out with Brandy.

BRANDY
It’s just at the end of this
cornfield.

IAN
This cornfield? The one that’s
been going by for the last twenty
minutes? Alrighty.

No reply as Lance and Brandy fall down, out of sight.

EXT. EST. BRANDY’S MOBILE HOME - DAY

The run-down trailer sits on a patchy yard in a small trailer

park. Several toys and car parts litter the ground.

INT. BRANDY’S MOBILE HOME - LIVING ROOM

The place is nasty. Dark wood panelling, ratty carpet,

framed pictures of the Virgin Mary and Brittany Spears. An
old obese woman and an older skinny man sit fully reclined in
two ratty recliners. They’re watching “Wheel of Fortune” and
drinking some off-brand soda. The old man intermittently and
violently scratches his balls. Ian and Felicia sit together
uncomfortably on a small, low chest. Lance and Brandy’s
dirty giggles can be heard through the wall. Felicia
whispers in Ian’s ear.

FELICIA
It stinks in here.

Ian gestures toward a cat that is pissing on the carpet, next

to a cat box that has not been cleaned out in a long time.

FAT LADY
You kids want to help yourself to a
can of purple?

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 42.

FELICIA
(standing)
That sounds good. I could go for a
purple. Ian? Purple?

INT. BRANDY’S BEDROOM

Brandy’s tiny room is not much of an improvement over the

living room. Lance and Brandy are rolling around on her faux-
brass bed. She pulls out some handcuffs.

LANCE
You’re a dirty girl, aren’t you?

BRANDY
Just wait.

INT. BRANDY’S MOBILE HOME - KITCHEN

Felicia sits down at the kitchen table, looking surly. The

kitchen is cluttered and filthy. Ian opens the fridge and
removes a can of the generic soda.

IAN
Wow. It actually says, “Purple
Soda.” Where do you buy Purple
soda?

He cracks it open and takes a tentative sip. Yuck. He

offers it to Felicia, who waves it off. Ian stands and looks
over the items that are stuck to the fridge. A report card
is marked with three D’s, an F and a C-. Next to the C- is a
happy face and the words, “Nice Werk!”

IAN (CONT’D)
I think she’s got a kid.

Felicia points to a picture of Brandy with three kids - each

varies in ethnicity.

FELICIA
Uh, yeah. I think she’s got a few.

INT. BRANDY’S BEDROOM

Two pairs of handcuffs now lock Lance’s hands to the metal

bars of the headboard. He’s loving it.

BRANDY
You ever had a Cincinnati Spitball?

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 43.

LANCE
Sure. Plenty of times. What else
is on the menu?

BRANDY
Okay, how ‘bout a Peppermint Fatty?

LANCE
Mmmm. That sounds good. I’ll have
that.

She tosses some Altoids in her mouth and goes down.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Oooooh. That is curiously strong.

INT. BRANDY’S MOBILE HOME - KITCHEN

Felicia and Ian hear the groan. Felicia seethes.

IAN
You like him don’t you?

FELICIA
What? Who?

IAN
Lance. You’ve got a thing for him
don’t you?

Felicia sits up straight like a shot. She couldn’t look more

guilty but she makes a weak attempt to cover.

FELICIA
Oh my God, Ian. Gross. You guys
are like brothers to me. Whatever.

Ian just stares back for an awkward moment. Suddenly he’s

distracted by a monster truck pulling up outside.

IAN
Uh, oh. I think this might be the
guy she was bawling about.

A moment later, RICK enters through the kitchen screen door.

He’s a huge burly guy around thirty. He wears a ball cap
that reads, “Fun-Time Midways.” He carries a single rose
wrapped in pink cellophane. He stops short when he sees Ian
and Felicia.

RICK
Oh, shit. Howdy.

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 44.

Ian and Felicia just stare back, blankly.

IAN FELICIA
Howdy. Howdy.

RICK (CONT’D)
Where the fuck’s Brandy at?

INT. BRANDY’S BEDROOM

Lance is still cuffed to the bed. Brandy stands over him.

BRANDY
You ever had a Rolling Brown Out?

LANCE
Oooh, no. Let’s have some of that.
(then) Wait. Brown? Hold on.
Nothing brown.

Lance starts to squirm violently.

INT. BRANDY’S MOBILE HOME

Lance screams in horror from the other room.

LANCE (O.S.)
OH, GOD, NOOOOOO!!!

Everyone looks over except the old couple who remain

oblivious to this entire scene. Rick heads for the bedroom
door. Felicia fearlessly jumps into his path.

RICK
I don’t know who the hell you are
but you best get your skinny ass
out of the way!

FELICIA
Or what!? You gonna hit a girl?

RICK
No. (beat.) But, I’ll pummel his
ass real good. (re: Ian)

Without hesitation, Ian yanks Felicia out of Rick’s path.

IAN
There you go. Our bad.

Rick pulls on Bandy’s door. It’s locked. He backs up and

kicks it open.

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 45.

He steps in and is immediately knocked back on his ass by

Lance bursting out, butt-naked and carrying the headboard
that he is still cuffed to.

Lance runs out the front door but the headboard bridges
across the door-frame, trapping him on the porch but also
blocking Rick. Rick punches at him through the bars but
can’t reach. Rick grabs the headboard and pulls it back in,
Lance with it. Lance turns the headboard sideways, smacking
Rick. Lance runs out, raising the headboard over his head.
He runs naked past several mobile homes.

INT. MOBILE HOME #2

A little boy watches Lance sprint by. He points out the

window and calls to his mother.

LITTLE BOY
Weiner!

LITTLE BOY’S MOTHER

Oh, hush up. You just had lunch.

EXT. CORNFIELD

Lance takes cover in the bordering cornfield. He drops to

one knee and painfully works his left hand out of its cuff.
The right one is too tight. Suddenly he hears rumbling. He
stands to see. It’s Rick’s monster truck coming right for
him. Lance hits the deck. The truck rolls over him, leaving
him untouched but running over one side of the headboard.
When Lance stands, the headboard comes apart and he’s able to
slip the remaining cuff off of the bar it had clung to.

With one set of cuffs dangling from his right wrist, Lance
runs down the rows. Extreme close up on a blade of corn
stalk, as it slashes Lance’s arm like a paper cut. Then
another cuts his face.

LANCE
Ahhhgg! Shit that hurts!

The truck corners into the frame behind Lance. Lance runs
toward us like Indiana Jones running from that huge ball.
Just as the truck is about to hit him, he dives out of the
way. Rick slams on the brakes, spitting dirt everywhere as
he does a reverse donut to turn around.

Lance now cuts and dodges through different rows but he’s
running out of steam. He stops to catch his breath.

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 46.

After a beat, he looks up to find Rick, out of his truck and

stomping toward him with a baseball bat. Lance lamely
backpedals, covering his junk with his hands.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Hey, man. Come on. She’s not
worth it. You get back with her,
and she’s just gonna shit all over
you. Trust me.

Rick raises the bat. Just then the Judge pulls up next to
Lance. Ian pulls him into the passenger seat. The car
showers dirt all over Rick as it peels away.

INT. THE JUDGE

The car races blindly through the field. Hundreds of corn

stalks thump over the hood as they plow through. Lance,
still naked, rides shotgun. Felicia is in the back seat.

IAN
Where the hell’s the road!?

FELICIA
It feels like left.

EXT. CORNFIELD

Cut to an aerial shot of the Judge, leaving a trail of

trampled corn. The road is just a few rows to its left.

LANCE (V.O.)
No! Go right! For sure!

The car turns right, plunging them further into the field.
The shot pulls back to reveal that the Judge and Rick’s truck
are now on a collision course!

INT. THE JUDGE

Lance is putting a t-shirt on. He spots something coming

their way.

LANCE
Ian?

IAN
I told you we didn’t have time for
this! But all you care about is
your dick!
(MORE)

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 47.

IAN (CONT'D)
You leave us out there with her
crazy mom and her ball scratcher
dad and their weird soda--

LANCE
Ian! Whip a shitty!

The truck appears in front of them. Ian cranks the wheel.

EXT. CORNFIELD

Back to the aerial view as the Judge and the truck circle.
Ian breaks right but the truck soon falls into his path.

INT. THE JUDGE

Felicia is watching out the back.

FELICIA
You’re not gonna lose him, Ian.
He’s following our corn wake.

LANCE
Corn wake?

FELICIA
Whatever!

Ian slams on the brakes.

LANCE
What are you doing!? Go!

EXT. CORNFIELD

Ian backs up and turns left down a perpendicular path that

they had previously trampled. Rick catches up but ends up
lost in a dead end of corn.

Ian turns hard right. The Judge bursts out of the corn, up
the side of the ditch and jumps, landing back on the road.
Lance and Felicia cheer.

LANCE
Duuuuuude! That’s how you do that!

FELICIA
Awesome driving, Ian! You’re
amazing!

She kisses Ian’s head, then smacks Lance upside his.

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 48.

FELICIA (CONT’D)
You suck, Lance!

LANCE
I’m sorry! But Ian, seriously,
thanks for coming for, brother.

Lance puts a hand on Ian’s shoulder.

IAN
Would you just put some pants on?

FELICIA
Anyone know where we are?

IAN
No idea. Where’s the Google Maps?

LANCE
They’re in my pants. Back there.

IAN
Great!

They crest the hill - nothing but farmland and country lanes.
A hippy HITCHHIKER (40ish) stands along the road up ahead.

LANCE
Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he
can get us back to the highway.

FELICIA
Ian! Do NOT pick up a hitchhiker.

IAN
Don’t worry.

Suddenly, the car sputters and dies. They roll to a stop

right next to the hitchhiker. He runs to Lance’s window.

HITCHHIKER
Whoa! Thanks! I ain’t seen a car
in hours. (looks down at Lance)
Oh, goin’ commando? Right on.

IAN
Yeah. Listen, we didn’t actually--

LANCE
You know where we can pick up I-65?

HITCHHIKER
Nope.

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 49.

Another clunk and steam rolls out from under the hood. Ian
gets out, slamming his door.

EXT. ROADSIDE - MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - MOMENTS LATER

The Hitchhiker sits in the back seat. Felicia leans against

the car, trying her phone. Lance (now in pants) and Ian
stand over the open hood, staring blankly at the engine. Two
cows stand just across a fence, watching.

LANCE
What do you think?

IAN
What do I think? I think we know
dick about cars. (re: cows) We
might as well ask them. (to cows)
What do you think fellas?

Felicia walks up, holding up her phone.

FELICIA
Nothing. No bars whatsoever.

She looks at the engine.

FELICIA (CONT’D)
It probably just needs water. Is
there any in the trunk?

Ian shakes his head.

FELICIA (CONT’D)
My brother’s car overheated once
and he peed in the radiator.

Ian and Lance shrug to one another. Ian reaches to remove

the radiator cap.

LANCE
It says not to open it hot. Maybe
we should let it cool down a while.

IAN
Yeah well, thanks to you, we don’t
have time for that.

Ian turns the radiator cap. THOOOP! It explodes out of it’s

coupling, ricocheting off the underside of the hood and then
dinging off Ian’s head. He goes down hard.

IAN (CONT’D)
Aaaahhhhgg! GOD DAMN IT!

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 50.

Ian rolls around holding his forehead.

LANCE
There’s a lesson learned.

Lance unzips his pants. Felicia turns away.

LANCE (CONT’D)
You can watch. I don’t care.

FELICIA
Gee. No thanks.

Lance pees into the radiator. He finishes with way too many
extra ‘shakes.’

LANCE
Ian. You’re up.

Ian struggles to his feet, a red spot is now on his forehead.

He stands before the radiator. Lance stands next to him.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Well? Grip it and rip it.

IAN
Okay. Go away.

LANCE
Why?

IAN
I can’t pee with you standing
there.

LANCE
Seriously?

Lance shakes his head and steps away to join Felicia around
the side of the car. Ian closes his eyes, takes deep breaths
and tries to relax.

IAN
(whispering to himself)
Come on, come on, come on. Okay,
good. Here it comes.

LANCE (O.S.)
Yo stagefright, how we doin’?

Ian looses his start.

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 51.

IAN
Damn it, Lance! Just give me a
minute.

Cut to Lance and Felicia. After a beat, we hear a subtle

stream of peeing just beginning when:

LANCE
There it is!

The pee sound stops again.

IAN (O.S.)
Shit! Would you please shut up and
let me do this!?

After a moment, the pee restarts. Lance puts a finger to his

lips, indicating to Felicia to keep quiet. When Ian wraps
up, Lance looks into the back seat, where the hitchhiker has
hunkered down.

LANCE
Dude. We need you to piss in the
radiator.

HITCHHIKER
Why?

LANCE
We just do.

HITCHHIKER
I’m real sorry. I just took a leak
a few minutes ago. You want me to
shit in it?

Lance just slams the door. He rounds to the front of the

car. Felicia’s looking into the radiator.

FELICIA
I don’t think that’s enough.

LANCE
Our new friend’s got nothing left
in the tank.

Lance and Ian eyeball Felicia.

FELICIA
What? No way. I don’t have the
aim you guys have.

LANCE
Every drop helps.

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 52.

She shakes her head, considering it. Suddenly the hitchhiker

jumps out of the back seat and calls out to them.

HITCHHIKER
Hey! Look what I had in my bag!

He’s holding a half-full bottle of water.

FELICIA
Oh, thank god.

He starts chugging the water.

IAN FELICIA
No! Wait! What are you doing!?

He polishes off the water with a refreshed, “ahhhh.”

HITCHHIKER
Now just give me twenty minutes and
I’ll be all set.

Felicia sighs and crosses to the front of the car.

FELICIA
Any of you pervs peek and I swear
it’ll be your last conscious act.

Ian, Lance and the hitchhiker lean against the side of the
car. Ian excitedly waves to an approaching car. The small,
white car slows down. A family of very proper church folks
smile as they pull along side.

CHURCH DAD
You kids need some help?

From the family’s POV, as they roll to a stop, they see

Felicia standing on the bumper, pants down and squatting over
the radiator. Their faces drop. They take off.

Felicia slams the hood.

FELICIA
Just try it.

Ian climbs in, takes a deep breath and turns the key. It
starts. The temperature gauge creeps up but levels off just
shy of the red. They all breathe a sigh of relief. Lance
and Felicia climb in. The hitchhiker reaches for the door
but Ian reaches back and locks it.

HITCHHIKER
What the hell, man?

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 53.

IAN
Look, I’m sorry. We can’t give you
a ride.

HITCHHIKER
What? You can’t just leave me out
here in the middle of nowhere.

IAN
You already were out here in the
middle of nowhere. Really. I wish
I could, but it’s my brother’s car
and I can’t take any chances.

He leans into Ian’s open window and gives Ian a crazy look.

HITCHHIKER
I’m only gonna say this one time.
Unlock that fuckin’ door or, god as
my witness, I’ll chop you up into
little tiny pieces.

FELICIA
Go, Ian. Just go!

Ian throws the car in gear and lays on the gas. The car
lurches forward about two feet before stopping hard and
stalling out. Ian and Felicia bounce off the dash. The
hitchhiker steps back to Ian’s window. Ian turns the key.
Nothing. After a beat, the hitchhiker cracks up.

HITCHHIKER
Ha! That’s funny! Serves you
little peckers right!

He walks away, laughing. Ian breathes a sigh of relief but a

second later the hitchhiker bursts back into Ian’s face.

HITCHHIKER (CONT’D)
Oh! And here’s that piss you
ordered!

He pisses all over the side of the car. Ian frantically

rolls up the window.

He gives them double fingers as he walks away, down the road.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - LATER

TITLE: AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER

Ian, Felicia and Lance are leaning against the car, sweating
in the heat.

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 54.

FELICIA *
God, it’s hot out here. *

IAN *
How can nobody go down a road for *
an hour and a half? Why did they *
even make this road? I can’t *
believe I let you talk me into *
taking the Judge. Ohhh, what the *
hell was I thinking? *

LANCE *
Dude, just relax. *

IAN *
Oh, right. Relax. My brother’s *
car has hitchhiker piss all over *
the door and our piss in the *
radiator and strawberry shake in *
the vent! What am I supposed to *
tell Rex, that I accidental drove *
it through a cornfield!? You know *
Rex is insane, right? *

Ian starts walking away.

FELICIA
Where you going?

IAN
I’m going for help. I’m not
standing around here all day
waiting for the hitchhiker piss to
eat away the paint.

LANCE
Wait up, I’ll go with you.

IAN
No, just stay with the car.

LANCE
Why don’t you go with him?

Felicia watches Ian go, deciding if she should join him.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - TWO MILES AHEAD - LATER

Ian and Felicia walk silently down the road. Ian keeps
checking his phone - no bars. Felicia smiles at him. He
turns to her. The word HOT is imprinted mirror image in his
forehead from the radiator cap. Felicia cracks up.

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 55.

FELICIA
Oh my god, your head. I’m sorry.
Does it hurt?

IAN
Yes. Fuckin’ Lance.

FELICIA
Yeah. Lance. (beat) Still, that
was some pretty badass driving back
there, Luke Duke.

IAN
Really? Thanks.

She smiles at him; then she notices something down the road.

FELICIA
Dude. What’s that?

IAN
Whoa.

They squint with curiosity and move toward whatever it is.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - A FEW MILES BACK

A buggy drawn by two horses clops up next to the Judge.

EZEKIEL, an Amish man in his late-twenties, steps out of the
buggy. Ezekiel doesn’t speak with any noticeable accent.

EZEKIEL
Need some help?

LANCE
Yeah, but... I mean, all due
respect there, champ.

EZEKIEL
Oh, right. I’m Amish. So I
probably wouldn’t know anything
about your 69 GTO Judge 427 Big
Block with Ram Air 6 packs and 4/10
posi. Well, good luck with your
new-fangled horseless carriage
there, English.

The buggy starts to pull away.

LANCE
No. Dude, wait!

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 56.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MILES AHEAD - LATER

Felicia and Ian smile in awe as they arrive at a massive tree

alongside the road. It is covered with shoes of every shape,
size and color, each dangling by its laces. It’s an oddly
breathtaking sight in the setting sun.

IAN
Wow. Cool.

FELICIA
It’s beautiful. Take my picture.

Ian snaps a picture of her with his phone, then starts

walking again. Felicia remains behind. Ian turns. She
takes off her shoes and starts tieing them together.

IAN
No. Bad idea. You don’t know how
far we have to walk. Seriously,
you’re going to regret this...

She flings her shoes into the tree.

IAN (CONT’D)
I can’t believe you just did that.

FELICIA
Now you.

IAN
No way.

FELICIA
Oh come on, Ian. You never do
anything crazy.

IAN
Hey, I’m driving halfway across the
country just to-- um.

FELICIA
To visit your grandma? Yeah,
you’re a madman. Trust me. Do it.
It’s feel great and you’ll always
remember this moment.

IAN
I’d rather remember having really
good arch support.

She smiles at him, still encouraging him to do it.

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 57.

IAN (CONT’D)
No. You know what’s gonna happen?
You’re gonna cut your foot open on
a broken bottle or something and
then I’ll have to rush you to the
emergency room where you’ll get
seventeen stitches and a staph
infection. Then you’re dead. But
it was worth it because your shoes
are in a tree.

FELICIA
I’ll be fine. I like being
barefoot.

She stubbornly walks on.

INT. BUGGY - LATER

Ian and Ezekiel ride in the buggy, which is towing the Judge.

LANCE
So, he met her on the internet and--

EZEKIEL
The internet?

LANCE
Oh. You see, the internet is a
bunch of computers that are--

EZEKIEL
Computers?

LANCE
Right. Computers are like big
calculators with pictures--

EZEKIEL
Hey, I’m kidding. I know what the
internet is. You ever heard of
Rumspringa?

LANCE
Is it anything like a rolling brown
out?

EZEKIEL
No. It means, “run wild.” It’s an
Amish tradition where, when we turn
sixteen, we can go live like you
heathens for a while.
(MORE)

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 58.

EZEKIEL (CONT'D)
Cars, movies, video games, booze,
Scrabble, you name it.

LANCE
You guys can’t even play Scrabble?

EZEKIEL
Nope. Apparently, triple word
scores lead to pride. Anyway, you
go nuts and party for a few months
or years, until your folks start
hassling you and then it’s back to
the stone ages.

LANCE
So if you’re on Rumspringa, why the
buggy?

EZEKIEL
I’m not. I was. For five years -
a village record. But not anymore.
I shouldn’t even be talking to you.

LANCE
Whoa. So what do you miss most?

EZEKIEL
Hmm. Lots of things. I miss
Sarcasm. It’s mostly lost on my
people. Gambling. Went to Vegas
once... (after a long beat) Oh.
Buttfucking. Got some real nice
memories there.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - FURTHER DOWN

Ian and Felicia are walking away from the tree. A truck is
coming! Ian steps into the road and waves his arms. The
truck slows down and stops a hundred feet past them. They
run for it.

IAN
Hey! Thanks! We were just--

The hitchhiker leans out the passenger window and gives them
double fingers.

HITCHHIKER
Have a nice walk, shitbirds!

The truck peels out, pelting Ian and Felicia with gravel.

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 59.

IAN
Shiiiiiiit!

As the dust settles, Ian and Felicia hear horses hooves

behind them. They turn to see Ezekiel and Lance clopping
toward them, towing the judge. As they near, we hear Ezekiel
continuing his list of what he misses.

EZEKIEL
...Shrooms. Used to do tons of
shrooms. Whisky dick. Haven’t had
that in a while. Loansharking...

LANCE
Ian, Felicia! This is my boy
Ezekiel.

EZEKIEL
What up, English?

Ian and Felicia just look dumbfounded.

INT. MYSPACE CYBER RAVE

Ian appears before Tasty but this time he’s fuzzy and
crackling - his signal is not so strong.

MS. TASTY
Hey! Where are you? I’m so
excited to see you.

IAN
Yeah. I don’t think I’m gonna make
it tonight. I’m making a little
pit stop to party with some friends
I made along the way.

MS. TASTY
Ian, you said tonight. I could
have gone to Virginia beach with my
friends. I stayed behind for you.

IAN
Come on, don’t hassle it. I’ll be
there tomorrow. Let’s say six -
the same Shakey’s? Trust me - I’m
worth the wait. Now, I gotta go,
I’m losing my signal.

MS. TASTY
Okay. Tomorrow then. Don’t be
late!

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 60.

IAN
Peace.

Ian crackles and fades out.

INT. AMISH BARN - EVENING

Ian puts his phone back in his pocket and walks over to
Lance, Felicia, Ezekiel and the Judge. A bunch of Amish kids
are working on a few lesser muscle cars. Some dress like
secular kids; some wear traditional Amish clothes. They are
all excited to see the Judge. JEREMIAH, a young Rumspringa
kid, pulls the oil dipstick out and shows it to Ian.

JEREMIAH
You see that creamy stuff? You
blew your head-gasket. Not good.

IAN
Shit.

EZEKIEL
We can fix that.

IAN
Really? Oh, man. Thanks!

EZEKIEL
No worries. These guys are stoked
just to get a look at a sixty-nine
Judge. Gonna take a couple hours.

JEREMIAH
There’s a party coming together
next door. You guys are welcome to
hang out over there while we work
on this.

EXT. RUMSPRINGA PARTY - EVENING

Ian, Lance and Felicia walk up to the barn.

IAN
Something tells me this party is
gonna suck.

LANCE
I don’t know. Ezekiel made it
sound like this Rumspringa thing is
pretty sick.

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 61.

FELICIA
Right. I’m sure it’s gonna be a
one rad quilting bee.

They round the corner to see a beer truck unloading several

kegs. Lance points to a parked tour bus. The door opens and
the members of Foo Fighters pile out. Dave Grohl nods to
them on his way by.

FELICIA (CONT’D)
No F-ing way.

INT. RUMSPRINGA PARTY - NIGHT

Foo Fighters are rocking the shit out of “All My Life.”

Hundreds of Amish, aged sixteen to nineteen (dressed in
degrees from all Amish to all English) are dancing, moshing,
drinking, smoking, taking rips off bongs, etc. A wet T-shirt
contest is happening in one corner. It’s like Entourage in
the boondocks.

DAVE GROHL
(scream singing)
DONE, DONE AND ON TO THE NEXT ONE!
DONE, DONE AND ON TO THE NEXT ONE!

Lance, Ian and Felicia are moshing and having a blast.

IAN
This is insane!

The band slows down and plays the acoustic version of

“Everlong.” Lance looks around, taking it all in. Suddenly,
he’s thunderstruck by the sight of the hottest girl ever born
Amish. She and her friends enter the barn in slow motion.
She’s dressed English but she has the kind of natural, make-
up-free beauty that would make most women want to punch her
in the head. Lance is smitten. Felicia takes discontented
notice of this. Ian takes his own discontented notice of
Felicia’s reaction.

Lance crosses to her. Ian and Felicia watch as Lance

fearlessly launches his opening line. The girl smiles, says
one thing to him and then turns back to the band. Lance
timidly makes his way back to Ian and Felicia.

IAN (CONT’D)
Did you even get her name?

LANCE
Not unless her name is “go fuck
yourself.” I think I’m in love.

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 62.

IAN
I’m gonna go check on the car.

Ian walks out.

LANCE
Hey, Felicia. Dance?

FELICIA
Forget it. I’m not gonna be your
consolation prize.

LANCE
Come on. Don’t be hatin’.

Lance pulls her arm. She can’t hide her smile.

INT. AMISH BARN - NIGHT

Ian enters. The Judge is now in pieces all over the floor of
the barn. Ezekiel, Jeremiah and three other guys sift
through the parts. Ian starts to freak out.

IAN
Holy shit! Holy shit, you guys!
What the hell!? Why are the seats
out!? Oh, I’m dead. I’m a dead
man. My brother’s going to lop my
nuts off! Jesus Christ!

EZEKIEL
Dude, settle down. We can fix it.

JEREMIAH
And we’d appreciate it if you
didn’t take the Lord’s name in
vain.

IAN
Are you shitting me!?

INT. RUMSPRINGA PARTY - NIGHT

Ian stomps in, looking for his friends. He spots them slow
dancing together. This bothers him more than he would have
guessed. He looks away but can’t help but torture himself by
watching them dance. Lance says something that makes Felicia
laugh. She lays her head on his chest and smiles.

DAVE GROHL
If everything could ever feel this
real forever...

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 63.

Finally Ian turns and walks out.

Felicia has now settled into the dance. She smiles

blissfully. The Amish girl looks over.

LANCE
Check it out. It’s working.

LANCE (CONT’D)
(re: Amish girl)
Look at her. She is IN. You’re
the best wingman ever. Watch this.

The song kicks in heavier. Felicia hides her humiliation as

she takes a step back. Lance walks away. He passes the
Amish girl, she stops him and he kicks-in his game. Felicia
walks out.

EXT. RUMSPRINGA PARTY - NIGHT

Ian sits on a hay bail, depressed, alone and nursing his

beer. Felicia sits down next to him, looking equally sad.

FELICIA
Is the car ready? Can we go?

IAN
I’m going to be ritually murdered.
And I deserve it. You know what?
Here’s a little tip to take with
you. If you ever have car trouble -
don’t go to the Amish. You want a
barn raised, or Foo Fighters to
play a show out in the middle of
fucking nowhere, apparently the
Amish are your hook-up. But car
repair - not so much.

Ian turns to her. She looks possibly more upset than he.

IAN (CONT’D)
What? What’s wrong with you?

FELICIA
Nothing. I’m fine.

IAN
Lance, right? He’s in there with
that Amish girl and you’re...

FELICIA
Wrong. But thanks for playing.

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 64.

Ian’s not in the mood to do his usual sweet boy routine.

IAN
Leesh, why don’t you just drop the
hard ass thing for once. It’s
okay. You’re into Lance.

FELICIA
Right. He’s a shallow, pretty-boy,
player. I am so not into that.

She looks at Ian, he can see right through her. Her

expression turns sad and vulnerable. She hangs her head.

FELICIA (CONT’D)
You must think I’m such an idiot.

IAN *
You’re not an idiot. People like *
Lance. I like Lance. *

Ian offers a cautious hug that is at first awkward, but *

Felicia’s guard comes down and she cries on his shoulder. *

FELICIA *
Promise me, you’ll never be like *
Lance. I mean, I know he likes to *
give you advice but you’re the only *
truly good person I know. Don’t *
let him contaminate you, okay? *

Ian looks a bit ashamed.

IAN
Dude, what’s wrong with us?
There’s a kick ass Amish hash bash
going on twenty feet away. Come
on. Let’s go have some fun.

FELICIA
No. You go ahead.

Ian speaks in the quiet sing-song way that one might use to
cheer up a child with offers of ice cream.

IAN
I bet they have crack in there.
Would you like some Amish crack?
Would that make you feel better?
I’m sure the donkey show is coming
up. I bet if you’re good, they’ll
let you have sex with it. Doesn’t
that sound nice? Donkey love?

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 65.

Finally she laughs.

INT. RUMSPRINGA PARTY - LATER

Ian and Felicia are dancing and laughing and getting wasted.
Montage through the night as they down more and more drinks
and get crazy with the Amish. At one point Ian even stage
dives and gets body-passed over the crowd. Meanwhile, Lance
and MARY, the Amish beauty, dance and hang out together.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. JUDGE - DAY

POV - from the back seat:

Ian is driving alone, looking surly as he sails past the

other cars on the highway. Ian lifts a messy burger to his
face. Ketchup, mustard and mayo drip on to the seats. He
takes a huge gulp off his soda and tosses the half-full cup
into the back seat.

Ian picks his nose and rubs it on the ceiling of the car. He
holds up a gay porn mag, letting the centerfold unfurl. He
looks at the sexy naked man, unaware that railroad gates are
lowering ahead. Ian turns and looks straight into the
camera, laughing maniacally. The train starts crossing. At
the split second that we’re about to hit the train...

Rex (in bed) sits up hard, waking from this NIGHTMARE in a...

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT *

Rex huffs and puffs and orients himself. He leaps out of *

bed, digs the key box out of his jeans and opens it. EMPTY! *

REX *
IAN! GOD DAMN IT! *

EXT. AMISH BARN - MORNING

The open field is filled with cars and campers. Kids sleep
everywhere - in the vehicles, in the barn and right on the
ground. Ian wakes to find that he’s lying in the bed of a
pick-up truck. Lance is sprawled out in the cab. Ian sits
up and rubs his pounding head. Felicia is limping toward
him, still barefoot, a pained expression on her face.

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 66.

IAN
Ugh. My head hurts. But my feet
feel spectacular. So, cozy. Like
they’re wrapped in baby bunnies.

FELICIA
Mine too.

She stubbornly corrects her walk and expression but her feet
are a mess - cut, blistered and filthy.

IAN
Leesh, you were dancing barefoot
for like four hours last night.
Look at your feet.

FELICIA
I’m fine, pussyfoot.

IAN
Fine, you’re tough but your big toe
looks like Yoda’s nuts. He’s got
five, you know.

Lance sits up in the cab, groggy and rubbing his messy hair.
He leans through the open back window.

LANCE
Hey. So, what’s the plan?

IAN
I might as well call Rex so he can
get on with killing me.

FELICIA
What about visiting your grandma?

LANCE
Yeah, Ian. You’ve been putting off
‘visiting grandma’ for way too long.
It’s time you ‘visit grandma.’

IAN
I do wanna...you know - ‘visit
grandma’ but Rex is gonna kill me.

LANCE
He’s going to kill you either way.
We’re halfway there. I can’t
stress enough how much you’ll enjoy
‘visiting grandma.’ Trust me. I
‘visit my grandma’ all the time and
it’s pretty fucking awesome.

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 67.

Felicia is a little confused by Ian and Lance’s code talk.

IAN
Lance, what am I supposed to do?
Our transportation is all over the
floor of that barn.

VROOOOOM!!! They all turn to see the Judge pulling out of

the barn. It’s more powerful and tuned than ever. The Amish
grease monkeys look spent but triumphant. Ezekiel jumps out
of the Judge.

IAN (CONT’D)
Dude. You fixed it?

EZEKIEL
We hit a few snags but she’s
bangin’ like a champ now. You
should know though, we couldn’t get
our hands on the right carburetor
so Jeremiah whittled one for you.

IAN
Really? That’s amazing.

EZEKIEL
I’m just fucking with you, dude.

Lance spots Mary walking with two girlfriends. They are all
in traditional Amish dresses and bonnets. Mary even looks
hot in this. Lance runs over to her.

LANCE
Hey! Mary! Wait up.

She breaks ranks with her friends and steps to Lance with a
gorgeous smile.

LANCE (CONT’D)
You look beautiful.

MARY
Yeah right. Please. These are
unflattering by design.

LANCE
Still, you make it hot somehow.
Seriously. You wearing that,
churning some butter. Are you
kidding me? (singing) Sexy.

She laughs.

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 68.

LANCE (CONT’D)
So, listen, I had the best time
with you last night.

MARY
Yeah, me too.

LANCE
You’re going to call me, right?

MARY
Um...No.

LANCE
No?

MARY
Lance. Rumspringa’s over for me.

Lance looks devastated.

Meanwhile, a short distance away, Ian speaks to Ezekiel.

IAN
So you guys were up all night? I
don’t know what to say. I don’t
really have a lot of money.

EZEKIEL
Ahh, we’re good. The opportunity
to help a neighbor - that’s a gift.

IAN
Wow. Thank you.

EZEKIEL
Of course, if you felt like you had
to reciprocate in some way, there’s
plenty of chores that need doing.

IAN
Ooohh. We’re kind of behind
schedule, but can we hit you on our
way back through?

EZEKIEL
(guilt-tripping)
Sure, sure. You probably should
get going. I mean, hey, you’ve got
a smooth-running vehicle now...you
know - because we fixed it.

IAN
But we’re good?

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 69.

EZEKIEL
Sure, we’re good. Technically.

IAN
I mean it. We’ll come back. I
promise.

EZEKIEL
Looking forward to it.

IAN
No, seriously. We will.

EZEKIEL
Of course. Should I hold my breath?

Ian stands there. Not sure how to take the sarcasm.

INT. THE JUDGE - DAY

Ian drives down the highway. Felicia rides shotgun. Lance

sits in back, looking depressed.

LANCE
I’ve never met anyone like her.
This sucks full ass.

FELICIA
I wouldn’t worry about it. In
fifteen minutes, you probably won’t
even remember her name.

LANCE
Don’t say that. Do NOT say that.
This girl is really special.

FELICIA
Lance. Listen to yourself. People
want what they can’t get. Remember
your little theory? Forbidden
fruit - that’s all she is.

LANCE
No. This is different. Mary and I
made some kind of cosmic, spiritual
connection. It’s real and it’s
beautiful and it’s awesome as fuck.

Ian’s phone starts vibrating.

IAN
Cool. I got a signal.

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 70.

He squints at the screen. It reads, “22 NEW MESSAGES.”

IAN (CONT’D)
Oh, shit.

Ian calls his voice-mail. We hear what he’s listening to:

REX (V.O.)
IAN!! IF YOU TOOK MY FUCKING CAR
YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD!! WHERE THE
HELL ARE YOU!? (nice) Call me.

Ian erases the message. BEEP!

REX (V.O.) (CONT’D)

PICK UP THE PHONE, FUCKHEAD! I’M
GONNA POP YOUR FUCKIN’ BALLS!!

Ian erases this message too. BEEP!

REX (V.O.) (CONT’D)

GOD DAMN IT, IAN! YOU--

BEEP!

REX (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Okay. If you call me back, I won’t
kill you. NO! FUCK THAT! YOU’RE
A FUCKIN’ CORPSE! WHERE THE FUCK
ARE YOU!? SHIT!!!

BEEP!

RON (V.O.)
Ian, Ron. I need my Señor Donut
costume back, pronto. So, get it--

BEEP!

REX (V.O.)
YOU FAGGOT ASS MOTHERF--

BEEP!

REX (CONT’D)
AAAAGGH!! SHIT!!!

Ian hangs up. He looks catatonic.

FELICIA
What? What is it?

IAN
Rex. He knows I took his car.

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 71.

FELICIA
So? You’re going to visit your
Grandma. He’ll understand that.

IAN
I don’t think so.

Ian’s phone rings.

LANCE
Don’t answer it.

They sit and listen to it ring.

IAN
Oh, shit. I’m so dead.

LANCE
Not yet. Stay strong, buddy. You
know what you need? A Corn dog!

He points to a small carnival set up in grocery store parking *

lot off the interstate. *

IAN
We don’t have time for corn dogs.

LANCE
We got tons of time. You’re not
meeting her for six hours. Your
grandma, I mean. Come on. Corn
dogs! Cooooorn Doooogs!

EXT. CARNIVAL - PICNIC TABLES - DAY

Ian and Lance sit at a picnic table. Lance has his head in
his hands. A group of hot girls go by.

IAN
Can you believe the girls around
here?

Lance doesn’t even react.

IAN (CONT’D)
Lance. You gotta pull it together.
I need your help to get this thing
done. You’re no good to me if
you’re acting like...me.

LANCE
Oh, man. I am acting like you,
aren’t I? Balls.
(MORE)

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 72.

LANCE (CONT'D)
(then) But where am I ever gonna
find another girl as cool as Mary?

Ian motions toward Felicia, who’s getting the food.

IAN
What about Felicia?

LANCE
What about her?

IAN
Dude. She’s into you.

LANCE
Yeah, I know.

IAN
You know? So? What is she - not
good enough?

LANCE
Felicia’s awesome. But you like
her.

IAN
What? No. We’re just friends.

LANCE
Dude. (oh, please)

IAN
Seriously. We grew up together. I
don’t...like, like her.

LANCE
Again - dude.

IAN
Well, she’s not into me anyway.

LANCE
Doesn’t matter. I still wouldn’t
do that to you. (then) But you do
know she’s not into you, right?

IAN
Yeah. Well, I mean, except we have
this pledge that if we’re both not
married when we’re thirty...it’s
actually kind of cute, we just--

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 73.

LANCE
No. It’s not cute. It’s bullshit.
It’s never gonna happen, so don’t
fuck yourself up waiting for her.

IAN
I know. But sometimes she--

LANCE
Ian, I’m only saying this as your
friend. Never. Okay? You’re her
friend. That’s like quicksand.
There’s no digging your way out of
friend-sand. She already knows all
your bullshit. I bet you’ve even
cried in front of her before,
haven’t you?

Ian looks down. Guilty as charged.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Oh, fuck me. Well, there you go.
You know what every chick I’ve ever
boned had in common? I wasn’t
friends with any of them.

IAN
(shaking it off)
Yeah. Well, what do I care, right?
I got Ms. Tasty to look forward to.

LANCE
Fuckin’ A. Let’s keep the focus on
your balls in her mouth.

Felicia returns with the food. She sits down next to Ian.
There’s an uncomfortable silence.

FELICIA
What?

EXT. CARNIVAL - MIDWAY - LATER

Ian, Lance and Felicia walk though the midway. Felicia

points to a carnival game. It’s a short rope ladder at a
slight incline. Everyone who tries to scale it, flips the
ladder over, landing in a pile of hay.

IAN
You think I can do it?

FELICIA
No way. That game is so rigged.

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 74.

Ian gives the barker a five and scales the ladder *

effortlessly. The buzzer goes off, attracting a crowd. The *
carny begrudgingly hands Ian a massive lollypop. Lance and *
Felicia cheer and clap. *

FELICIA (CONT’D) *
Wow! That’s amazing! *

IAN *
We had one of these at Boy Scout *
camp. I kinda mastered it. *

Ian hands the lollypop to Felicia. She smiles and glows *

until a gorgeous teen girl steps up to Ian. MANDY wears a *
skin tight shirt and a short red skirt. *

MANDY *
Hey. What’s your secret? *

She smiles as she hands her money to the carny and mounts the *
ladder. Felicia looks slightly jealous as all of Ian’s *
attention shifts to Mandy. *

IAN *
Just hold all your weight on your *
left hand and your right foot. *

She holds her shaky position, her skirt is so short that, as *

she bends, her thong is exposed. Ian gulps. *

IAN (CONT’D) *
Now shift both at the same time. *

She takes a step, wobbles, flips over and lands on her back. *
She smiles at Ian, who helps her up. Felicia is annoyed. *

MANDY *
Oh, well. I’m Mandy. *

IAN *
Ian. (big smile) *

MANDY *
You’ve got great balance, Ian. *

Lance steps in, acting as wingman. *

LANCE *
Well, what do you expect from an *
Olympic snowboarder? *

MANDY *
No way. *

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 75.

LANCE *
Way. *

Lance covertly yanks the lollypop out of Felicia’s hand and *

taps it against Ian’s arm, encouraging him to give it to *
Mandy. Ian does. She smiles as she accepts it. *

MANDY *
Thanks. Wow. I’m sorry, I gotta *
go. My dance troop is performing *
at the AIM tent in a few minutes. *
You should come watch. *

FELICIA *
Well, actually we were just... *

LANCE *
Definitely. He’ll be front row *
center. *

Mandy gives one more cute smile before she bops away. *

INT. SHOW TENT - LATER *

A stage is set up at one end; hundreds of people sit in *

folding chairs facing it. Ian, Felicia and Lance take seats *
(in that order) in the front row. Felicia checks her watch. *

FELICIA *
Do we really have time for this, *
Ian? *

Lance elbows her and they speak sotto, away from Ian. *

LANCE *
Stop doing that. *

FELICIA *
Doing what? *

LANCE *
Twat blocking Ian. *

FELICIA *
I am not tw...doing that. *

Loud techno music kicks in and the side flaps of the tent *
drop, making it very dark inside. *

On stage an elaborate light show illuminates a line of young, *

beautiful girls who perform a sexy hip-hop dance routine. A *
huge video screen behind them shows crazy graphics of fun *
activities and extreme sports over an “AIM” logo. *

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 76.

The dancers are joined by TAD, a cool Ryan Seacrest type with *
a microphone. He busts out some dance moves of his own as *
the routine’s finale. *

TAD *
What up, yo!? I am called Tad *
Jawarski! *

The crowd goes nuts. *

TAD (CONT’D) *
Yo! Where my first victim at? *

The crowd laughs. *

TAD (CONT’D) *
Come on, let’s get a volunteer up *
in here! *

Mandy waves to Ian. He waves back. Tad sees his hand go up. *

TAD (CONT’D) *
Yeah, boy! Get on up here, dog! *

The spotlight hits Ian. Mandy jumps for joy that Ian *
volunteered. Ian tries to wave them off but Mandy and the *
dancers come down and pull him to the stage. The crowd *
cheers. Lance and Felicia cheer the loudest. *

Ian now stands center stage with Tad. Ian smiles like an *
idiot, unaware when the video screen behind him changes to a *
logo that reads, “AIM - ABSTINENCE IN MOTION!” Lance and *
Felicia’s jaws drop. They look at one another and crack up. *
On stage, Ian is oblivious. The dancers dance all around him *
and he’s digging it, even half-dancing along with them. The *
music finally stops and Tad puts an arm around Ian. *

TAD (CONT’D) *
What’s your name, gangsta? *

IAN *
Um, Ian. Ian Lafferty. *

TAD *
Tell me something, Ian. Are you *
ready to get your pledge on!? *

The music kicks in and Tad dances. Ian is confused. Lance *

and Felicia can barely watch. *

IAN *
Um... I don’t know. What are we-- *

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 77.

TAD *
You don’t know!? He don’t know, *
y’all! *

The crowd boos playfully. *

TAD (CONT’D) *
Ian, I’d like you to meet my *
friend, Steve. *

The screen changes to a black and white clinical photo of a *

man’s deformed, pocked genitalia. We see it for just a *
second as Tad turns Ian around, then his head blocks it. Ian *
gasps, along with the audience. This is NOT what he *
expected. *

TAD (CONT’D) *
How ‘bout that, dog? *

IAN *
(baffled) *
Uh... I, I don’t... Uh... *

TAD *
Now meet some more of my homies. *

Close on Ian’s mortified face. The light changes on his *

face, indicating each new horror. Each image elicits a gasp *
from the crowd. Tad turns Ian back around, stunned. *

TAD (CONT’D) *
How old are you, bro? *

IAN *
Eighteen. *

TAD *
And you’re a virgin? *

IAN *
What? Um... *

TAD *
You don’t wanna turn out like my *
boys from the pictures do you? *

IAN *
No. *

TAD *
Then let’s hear you pledge! *

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 78.

The girls start dancing around him. Ian’s head is spinning. *

BAM! With a blast of light and sound - silence. A single *
spotlight hits them. *

IAN *
(sotto to Tad) *
Pledge what? *

Tad leans in and speaks off the mic. *

TAD *
I got a long day ahead of me. *
Don’t jerk me around, kid. *

He puts the mic back in Ian’s face. *

TAD (CONT’D) *
Do - you - pledge? *

IAN *
Um... Okay. I guess I pledge. *

Lance throws up his hands in disgust. The crowd goes wild. *

TAD *
I’m proud of you! Keep a wrinkle *
in it, dog! *

The dancers lead Ian out the back of the stage. *

EXT. SHOW TENT *

Ian exits through a flap at the back of the tent, looking *

shell-shocked. Lance and Felicia sprint around the outside *
of the tent, laughing. *

LANCE *
I can’t believe you just took an *
abstinence pledge! *

IAN *
I did not! *

FELICIA *
You did too! Right in front of God *
and everybody! You pledged! *

IAN *
I didn’t even know what he was *
talking about! That doesn’t count, *
does it? *

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 79.

LANCE *
That was hilarious! *

Mandy comes around the corner. She trots up and hugs Ian. *

MANDY *
Ian! You did it! Oh my gosh, I am *
so proud of you. *

Ian squirms out of her grasp. *

IAN *
Jesus! Get away from me! Is this *
what you do here? Go out and flirt *
with geeks like me so you can lure *
them into your little abstinence *
club? *

MANDY *
Ian. It’s not like that. *

IAN *
Just go away. *

Lance steps up and puts a supportive hand on Ian’s shoulder. *

Mandy steps away, then stops and turns to glare at Ian. *

MANDY *
I would have blown you, you know. *

FELICIA *
Wow. *

LANCE *
Ouch. *

MANDY *
And you can keep your stupid *
flipping lollypop! *

Mandy fires the huge lollypop at Ian but it misses him, *

cracking Felicia in the teeth, knocking her backward to the *
ground. Felicia touches her hand to her mouth and sees that *
it’s bleeding. She scrambles to her feet. *

FELICIA *
Oh, you are DEAD, psycho-virgin! *

Felicia goes after Mandy but Lance and Ian hold her back. *
Mandy runs away. *

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 80.

INT. THE JUDGE - DAY *

Lance drives. Ian sits with Felicia in the back seat. He *

holds a cloth to her mouth with one hand and works his phone *
with the other, looking for a dental listing. *

IAN *
There’s a dentist at the next exit. *

LANCE *
You sure you want to get dental *
work done in Kentucky? *

FELICIA *
My toof id broke! Just get us *
there. *

Ian checks his watch. *

FELICIA (CONT’D) *
I’m thorry I’m making you late for *
your grandma. *

IAN *
No. God. This is all my fault. *

FELICIA *
Id’s really thweet how you’re so *
worried about her. You’re a good *
guy, Ian. *

Ian and Lance exchange shamed glances in the rear-view. *

IAN *
Yeah, well...try not bleed on the *
seat. Rex is gonna kill me enough. *

EXT. IAN’S STREET - DAY *

Ian’s neighborhood is peaceful and deserted. The chirps of *

song birds are gradually drowned out by A HIGH PITCHED BUZZ. *
Rex speeds down the street on a dirtbike. As he nears his *
house, he locks up the brakes. Before the bike stops, he *
coolly steps off, letting it ghost ride for a few yards *
before it lays down, spinning and sparking to a stop. *

Rex runs up to the garage and pulls it up manually. Before *

it clears his eyes, he takes a deep, hopeful breath. He *
opens it the rest of the way. No Judge. *

REX *
MOTHERFUCKIN’ BITCH-ASS COCKSUCKER! *

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 81.

Rex pitches a tantrum for the ages. He violently shakes the *

garage door, tearing it off it’s rails. It lowers enough for *
him to start kicking it. He breaks it. He reaches inside *
and pulls out Ian’s bike and starts slamming it against the *
driveway. Once out of steam, he stomps down the driveway and *
across the street. *

As he crosses, he holds up a “halt” hand. Offscreen we hear *

a car go into a shrieking skid. Rex is unfazed as he marches *
up Felicia’s driveway. The car rolls by behind him. *

Rex arrives on Felicia’s porch. He rings the bell and

seethes and swears under his breath while he waits.
Felicia’s mother opens the door. His face instantly
transitions to sweet and neighborly. She smiles back.

FELICIA’S MOTHER
Why, hello Rex. How are things?

REX
Good, good. Listen, Mrs. Alpine,
is Felicia here by any chance?

FELICIA’S MOTHER
Oh no, hon, she and Ian and that
Lance went on a little road trip.

REX
Really. A road trip. Super. Any
idea where they might be heading?

FELICIA’S MOTHER
You know, I wanna say she said
something about Knoxville but I
can’t be sure. Is that helpful?

REX
You bet it is. Thanks much, Mrs. A.

FELICIA’S MOTHER
Oh, not at all. My pleasure. You
have a good day, now.

The second the door closes, Rex returns to fury. He turns

and stomps back toward his house. In the wide shot we see a
neighbor watering his yard next door.

NEIGHBOR
Hey, Knievel! What’s say you get
your bike out of the freakin’ road!

Rex doesn’t break stride; he just turns hard left,

redirecting right at the neighbor. (Think Terminator 2) The
man starts to backpedal and then run as Rex closes in.

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 82.

EXT. DENTAL OFFICE PARKING LOT - DAY

The Judge pulls into the lot. Ian opens his door, he gets
out and pulls the seat up for Felicia. She steps out and
starts limping toward the office. Ian picks her up.

FELICIA
Whad are you doing? Pud me down!
My feet are fine.

IAN
Shut up. You’re so stubborn.

He carries her across the parking lot in slow motion. She

relents and settles in. An old woman who is exiting smiles
and holds the door for them. Ian carries Felicia in.

INT. DENTAL OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY

This is a po-dunk dental office in rural Kentucky. Several

paintings of clowns adorn the walls. A magazine rack
features People, Us, Oprah and Guns & Ammo. Felicia sits in
a chair, holding her mouth with one hand and toweling off her
feet with the other. Ian stands at reception, rattling off a
text message while he waits:

“Tasty. Running a little behind. Need a couple more hours.

Better make it 8pm. C-U-Soon. - IAN.”

A half-awake receptionist with very bad teeth, returns to

hand Ian some forms. She speaks in a thick southern accent.

RECEPTIONIST
Do y’all know your writin’ and your
ABC’s and such?

IAN
Um. Yeah.

RECEPTIONIST
Good. Just fill out this, this,
this, this, and these. Dr. Jasper
will be with y’all present-like.

Ian returns to Felicia with the clipboard. He sits next to

her and hands her the forms.

FELICIA
Okay. Fine. You were righd. My
feet are killing me. I shouldn’t
have tossed my shoes.

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 83.

IAN
No, come on. I love that you did
that. That’s premium Felicia.

She smiles, then tries to fill in her name on a form but her
hand shakes. Ian sets his phone down on the coffee table and
takes the clipboard. He starts to fill the forms for her.

IAN (CONT’D)
You want me to put your dad’s
address down too?

FELICIA
Yeah. It’s four twenty one--

IAN
I know. Four twenty one, Twin
Oaks, Rockford, six one one oh
(thinks for a beat) seven.

Felicia smiles.

IAN (CONT’D)
And you’re allergic to amoxicillin
but nothing else, right?

She nods. Push in on Felicia’s face as she realizes that

this is the one person who truly knows everything about her.
Ian is oblivious to the moment she is having.

IAN (CONT’D)
I think the only things you would
check in the list is Migraine
Headaches (she nods) and the
Herpes, of course.

She laughs and slugs him playfully in the arm.

DR. JASPER (O.S.)

Felicia Alpine?

Felicia gathers up some of her things and places them in her

purse as she stands to greet the dentist. She’s is relieved
to see that Dr. Jasper doesn’t look like a hayseed. He looks
like a kind, ethical doctor in his mid forties.

DR. JASPER (CONT’D)

Now, what are we doing today?

Felicia removes her hand from her face and opens up. Doctor
Jasper pushes her lower teeth down with the side of his index
finger, revealing that his knuckles and hands are
ridiculously hairy! Felicia winces as the dentist probes his
wolfman fingers around in her mouth.

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 84.

DR. JASPER (CONT’D)

Hmmm. Some hot and cold
sensitivity? Uh, huh?

Felicia closes her mouth and tries to spit out a hair. The
doctor turns to Ian.

DR. JASPER (CONT’D)

What’d you do to her?

IAN
What?

DR. JASPER
You slap her around? She gets out
of line and you crack her one? You
think that makes you a big man?

IAN
No. I didn’t, I--

DR. JASPER
Ha! Gotcha! Ha, Ha. You should
have seen your face. “No! I
didn’t I, I, I!” Oh, funny.

He cracks up. Ian and Felicia try to laugh along.

DR. JASPER (CONT’D)

He didn’t though, did he?

INT. DENTAL OFFICE OPERATORY

Felicia sits in the dental chair. Ian sits in a chair

nearby. Dr. Jasper is just finishing giving her a shot.

DR. JASPER
I’ll just give you a few minutes to
numb up. Be right back.

He exits. Ian smiles. She smiles back with her half tooth.
The novocaine causes her to slur more and more throughout the
scene.

FELICIA
Ian. You know last spring at
Darren Hume’s bonfire?

IAN
Hmmm. Um...Was I there?

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 85.

FELICIA
Ian, please. You know the only
reason... is because I don’t ever
want to ruin our friendship.

IAN
Totally. Friendship is... awesome.
Yeah. Friendship. Good call.

FELICIA
I don’t know what I’d do if I ever
lost you, Ian.

She squeezes his hand.

IAN
You won’t.

FELICIA
(half-joking)
I don’t know. Maybe I should have
just kissed you back that night.

They regard one another for a long awkward beat. Ian tries
to decide if she’s serious. He laughs nervously. A string
of drool drops from her numb lip.

IAN
Oh. Um. You got a little...loogie.

FELICIA
Oh God!

She grabs her bib and wipes her face. The doctor returns.

IAN
You know what? I’ll just be out
there. Yeah. Good. Okay.

EXT. DENTAL OFFICE PARKING LOT - LATER

The office is in a small strip mall next to a gas station

convenience store. Ian comes out of the convenience store
with a bag of stuff. He crosses to the Judge.

The passenger door is open. Lance sits in the passenger seat

with his feet on the ground and his head in his hands. Ian
arrives with a smile and a spring in his step.

LANCE
What’s with you?

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 86.

IAN
I’m thinking maybe we head back.

LANCE
Why?

IAN
Well, Felicia and I were just
talking in there and, I don’t know,
We kinda had a moment.

LANCE
A moment? Oh shit, Ian. I knew
she was gonna do this. She sees
you with that chick and now she’s
tightening your leash. She’s just
afraid to lose the undivided
attention of the one guy who always
listens to her problems.

IAN
No. We were really connecting in
there and she...

LANCE
Ian, you see the punks she dates.
I’m sorry but she doesn’t want a
guy like you. She wants to take
some dark, brooding asshole and
turn him into a guy like you.

IAN
What if you’re wrong?

LANCE
I’m not wrong. I’m right. And I’m
not going to let her fuck this up
for you. We’re going to Knoxville
and you’re gonna get your nut.

IAN
Whatever, Lance. I’m gonna text
Tasty and tell her I’m not coming.

Ian reaches into his pockets. No phone. Just then, Felicia

emerges from the office. She stops to check her fixed tooth
in her reflection in the window. She then marches out to the
Judge. She tosses Ian his phone.

IAN (CONT’D)
Oh, good. You had it. Here, I got
you something.

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 87.

He hands Felicia the bag. She takes it but doesn’t bother to

look inside.

FELICIA
A message came in. Your grandma’s
pretty excited to see you. Wet
even. She’s thinking about your
hands on her body. Sounds ‘Tasty.’

Felicia tosses the bag onto the floor of the front seat and
then climbs into the back and sits, looking petulant. Ian
wilts. Lance pats Ian on the back before climbing in.

LANCE
Good deal. Let’s go to Knoxville.

EXT. HIGHWAY ON-RAMP - EVENING

The Judge is pulling onto HWY 75-North.

FELICIA (V.O.)
Ian. You’re going the wrong way.

IAN (V.O.)
We’re going home.

INT. THE JUDGE

FELICIA
What? No, no, no. Don’t turn
around because of me. I’m dying to
see Ms. Tasty. This is gonna be
hilarious. She’s probably a guy.

IAN
So you snooped around in my phone.
That’s a total violation.

LANCE
He’s violated.

FELICIA
Hey, you’re the one telling lies
about grandmas and CANCER.

LANCE
That was a bit much.

IAN
Okay, I’m sorry. I was embarrassed
and I knew you’d make fun of me.

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 88.

FELICIA
Of course. How could I not? You
told her you play football at
NORTHWESTERN!? I mean, Jesus Ian.

LANCE
You told her that? That’s bold.

FELICIA
And those text messages are soooo
dickish. I can’t believe she even
invited you when you come off like
such an a-hole.

LANCE
Hold on - she invited him out
because he came off like such an a-
hole. Dude got that part right.

FELICIA
I can’t believe you guys.

IAN
Look, I said we’re going home.

LANCE
Oh, man. I knew you’d find a way
to bitch out on this.

FELICIA
Yeah, Ian. You obviously stole
Rex’s car and drove halfway across
the country. This must be what you
want. So go do it, chicken shit.

LANCE
Fuckin’ A, chicken shit.

IAN
Fine! You don’t think I’ll do it!?
I’ll fuckin’ do it! I’ll turn this
car around and go pork that girl
right now! Is that what you want?

FELICIA
Yeah, Ian. That’s what I want.

Suddenly he cranks the wheel. They drive full speed into the
grassy median. They slide sideways onto the other side of
the highway and head back south.

LANCE
Sweet! Now step on it. We can
still make it.

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 89.

Although she pushed for it, Felicia is not as happy. She

lies down in the back seat, looking terribly sad.

Cue: “Teenagers (Scare The Living Shit Out Of Me)” by My

Chemical Romance.

The Judge moves down the highway as the sun lowers in the
sky. Ian passes several cars. He looks over at the car to
his left - the pimped out Honda (that had tossed the
milkshake earlier) is back and edging by him. Ian’s had
enough. He glares back and jumps on the gas. Felicia sits
up.

FELICIA
What are you doing? Don’t race
him. That’s ridiculous.

IAN
(trying to be tough)
It’s gonna be ridiculous how much I
win because I’m driving faster than
he is.

The cars race neck and neck. Ian’s speedometer creeps up.
Ian must fall back to pass a slower car in the right lane.
He tries to pass the Honda but it weaves back and forth, not
letting him in. He finally gets an opening and tucks in.
They are again neck and neck. Ian starts to pull away.

IAN (CONT’D)
Yeah, that’s right, fucker.

The Honda slows down, letting Ian blast away.

LANCE
He’s tagging out! Wooo!

Ian and Lance five one another.

FELICIA
IAN! Look out!

A fox is walking across the highway! Ian slams on the breaks

but the car smacks it. All triumph falls from Ian’s face,
replaced by desperate regret.

IAN
Oh, no! Oh, no!

EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - EVENING

The Judge screeches to a halt. Ian leaps out and runs back,
looking around frantically. Felicia gets out and follows.

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 90.

Cars and trucks occasionally woosh by. Ian finds the animal
on the shoulder. He drops to his knees, his eyes tearing up.

IAN
God damn it. What were you doing?
Oh, shit man. Shit.

Felicia sits down nearby, watching Ian’s emotional response.

He’s genuinely a wreck over what he has done. Push in on
Felicia as her heart goes out to him. She tears up.

LANCE
Take it easy, bro. It wasn’t your
fault. The thing ran right out--

IAN
Just shut up, okay!? Of course
it’s my fault!

LANCE
Okay. But, dude, Ms. Tasty - we
gotta keep moving.

IAN
He’s not dead, Lance! I’m not just
gonna leave him out here suffering
all by himself.

LANCE
Okay. You’re right.

Lance goes back to the car and returns with a tire-iron. He

walks up next to Ian and raises it over his head. Ian turns
to Lance, deadly serious. He pushes Lance away.

IAN
Don’t fuckin’ touch him!

LANCE
Jesus Christ, man! I was just
gonna put him out of his misery so
we can go already.

Felicia is appalled by Lance’s inability to be affected by

this.

IAN
Fuck you! You don’t give a shit
about him!

Ian grabs the tire iron, returns to the animal and kneels *
before it, raising the tool over his head. His hand shakes. *

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 91.

IAN (CONT’D) *
I’m sorry. *

Ian hits it hard, stands, and walks away with his face in his *
hand. After a beat: *

FELICIA *
Um...Ian? *

Ian turns, exasperated to see the fox is still alive. He *

returns and swings two more times. Again, he walks away in *
agony. Felicia clears her throat - still alive. *

IAN *
Jesus! *

Ian drags himself back and swings again. *

LANCE *
Boy, he’s really hanging in there. *

Ian loses it, beating it severely. As he does, he’s bathed *

in red and blue flashing light. *

IAN *
God damn it! I’m trying to help *
you out, here! Why won’t you just *
die, for fucks sake!? *

He raises the tire iron once more but stops as he notices a *

cop standing in front of him. *

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT *

Ian and Lance are being led down the hall by the cop. *

IAN *
I swear I didn’t know it was an *
endangered species. *

LANCE *
The vet said there’s a good chance *
it might pull through. *

COP #1 *
You better hope so. *

INT. JAIL CELL

The holding cell is modern and industrial with bright

fluorescent lights and a single steel toilet.

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 92.

The benches are occupied by six other captives who await bail
or arraignment. Ian is scared shitless and it shows.

LANCE
(sotto to Ian)
Dude. Man up. They think you’re
shittin’ your pants, they’ll fuck
with you.

Ian does a terrible impersonation of a tough guy. After a

beat, a man rolls up on Lance, posturing like he means harm.

PRISONER #1
Yo, man--

LANCE
Whoa! Sit your ass the fuck back
down or you and me - we’re gonna
have a fuckin’ problem!

The guy backs off.

PRISONER #1
Shit, man. Chill. Damn.

He sits. Ian can’t believe what he just saw. Lance gives

him a look, “See what I mean?” A moment later, a man on
Ian’s side is tapping on his own watch. He notices Ian is
wearing a watch. He stands to approach Ian.

PRISONER #2
Excuse me. What--

IAN
Yo! Back that shit up, bitch!

WHAP!!! The guy lays Ian out.

PRISONER #2
All I wanted was the goddamn time.

IAN (O.S.)
(from the floor)
Ten after six.

PRISONER #2
Thanks.

IAN (O.S.)
Don’t mention it.

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 93.

INT. POLICE STATION

Two bored desk cops play with one of our hero’s phones.

COP #1
Well, I’ll be damned. You can
watch yourself a picture show on
this here telephone unit.

COP #2
Ya probably ought not mess with it.

COP #1
Ooohh - Sharky’s Machine.

COP #2
Well, shit. Fire it up.

He does. The intro music kicks in. After a moment, the

phone rings. They’re not sure what to do.

INT. JAIL CELL

Ian checks his watch.

IAN
Well, It’s over. No Ms. Tasty,
Felicia hates me, got a nice beat
down coming from Rex. Good trip.

Ian sighs hard as he steps over to the toilet. His

expression is distant and haggard but also slightly more
mature. He starts to pee. Lance looks over, surprised.

LANCE
Dude.

IAN
What?

LANCE
You’re peeing in front of a bunch
of people.

Ian looks around, appreciating the moment.

IAN
Hey, I am. I’m just standing here
takin’ a whiz. Like it’s nothing.

LANCE
And that guy’s looking straight at
your dick.

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 94.

PRISONER #1
Atta boy.

Ian wraps up and rejoins Lance.

LANCE
Look at you. You’re a new man.

IAN
No I’m not.

LANCE
Dude. You stole a car, you got *
arrested, got in a fight, sort of. *
Hey, you killed an endangered *
species with your bare hands. *
That’s gotta count for something. *

The prisoner next to them gives Ian a look of approval.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Now you’re pissin’ like a big dog.
There’s only one thing left...

IAN
Well, that’s out. I was supposed
to meet her three hours ago.

LANCE
Look, when we get out of here, just
tell her you got pinched and you’ve
been in the hard yard. She’ll
think that’s badass.

INT. WOMEN’S JAIL CELL

Felicia sits among four other prisoners of varied ages and

degrees of nasty. They sit on the benches, arranged around
Felicia, like The View. Felicia is sad.

FEMALE PRISONER #1
Shit! This Ian boy sound to me
like he got no balls at all.

FEMALE PRISONER #2
Why? ‘Cause he got to fussin’ some
over a sufferin’ critter? I think
that’s real sweet.

FEMALE PRISONER #3
Well, I say this Lance sounds like
a real hunk of man cake.
(MORE)

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 95.

FEMALE PRISONER #3 (CONT'D)

Only way to keep his kind around is
to get his babies in you, pronto.

FEMALE PRISONER #2
But he got no respect for bitches.

Felicia is uncharacteristically comfortable sharing. She

plays along gamely with their vocabulary.

FELICIA
Shathayd’s right. No respect for
bitches. None whatsoever.

FEMALE PRISONER #1
Girl. Oprah says you just got to
tell the universe what you want.

FEMALE PRISONER #3
Yep. You gotta manifest that shit.
Ain’t you read The Promise?

FELICIA
No.

FEMALE PRISONER #3
You gotta read The Promise. That’s
how I got my shit straight.

Felicia starts to cry.

FEMALE PRISONER #3 (CONT’D)

Oh, baby. Come here.

#3 holds out her arms to Felicia but Felicia waves her off.
#3 is a bit offended. A wider shot reveals that #3 is seated
on the steel toilet, pants around her ankles.

INT. JAIL CELL

A cop opens the cell door.

COP #1
Ian Lafferty, Lance Nesbitt? Your
bail’s been posted.

IAN
Shit.

LANCE
What?

IAN
Rex.

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 96.

Ian and Lance stand and reluctantly exit.

INT. POLICE STATION

Felicia is being led out of the women’s cell down the hall.
They meet in the middle. Felicia and Ian have calmed down
and they exchange humbled smiles. They all turn to see MARY
signing forms at the desk. She’s still dressed Amish. Lance
lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

LANCE
No way! Mary!

He runs to her. They hug. Ian and Felicia join them at the
counter. An officer slides over three envelopes.

COP #2
Personal effects. Sign here.

They sign. Ian takes his phone. He turns it on. In the

background we hear:

LANCE (O.S.)
How’d you know we were here?

MARY (O.S.)
I called your phone and someone
here answered it.

COP #1 (O.S.)
Wasn’t me.

Ian’s phone displays, “New Text Message From: Ms. Tasty.” He

clicks it. It brings up a message, “Stood out here 4 an hour
and a half. UR an ASSHOLE!” Ian deflates. He steps outside,
clicking on-line with his phone.

INT. MYSPACE CYBER RAVE

Ms. Tasty stands talking to some other guy with a cool car.
Ian appears. She turns to glare at him.

IAN
Hey.

MS. TASTY
Get lost and leave me alone.

She waves a hand, he disappears. She turns. He reappears in

front of her.

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 97.

IAN
Tasty, just hear me out.

A suspicious stance but doesn’t wave him off.

IAN (CONT’D)
I got arrested. I’ve been on lock-
down for the last four hours.

MS. TASTY
For what?

IAN
Um...Street racing?

MS. TASTY
Really?

IAN
Yeah. No helmet. Open intoxicants
- dangerous. But I’m out now.

MS. TASTY
I bet you haven’t even left
Chicago. You know, I’ve never done
this before but I think you’re just
playin’ me.

IAN
I swear, I’m just about an hour
away. You want me to turn around?

She considers this for a moment.

MS. TASTY
No. Eleven o’clock at the Shakey’s.
But, no more excuses. If you’re
one minute late, I’m gone.

She disappears.

EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Ian leans against the Judge, wrapping up his texting session.

Lance, Felicia and Mary are walking toward him.

LANCE
So? What’s the plan?

IAN
We’re going to Knoxville.

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 98.

LANCE
Yes!

Ian gets in the car. Lance excitedly ushers Mary to the car.
None of them see Felicia’s look disappointment.

INT. THE JUDGE - HIGHWAY - NIGHT

Ian and Felicia sit in the front, silent and far apart.
Lance and Mary are in back, snuggling like the love struck
teens they are. They pass a sign that reads, “Knoxville 17
mi.” Ian checks his watch.

Felicia quietly reaches down for the bag that Ian had given
her. She checks that he’s not looking. She peeks inside.
It’s a pair of flip-flops with little daisies on them. Her
feet are still bare. She gets glassy-eyed. Ian looks over.
Felicia looks away. She is clearly moved by the gift.

EXT. EST. HARLAN’S FANTASY INN - NIGHT

An old single level motel has been converted into “fantasy”

rooms. The sign reads, “22 Romantic Fantasy Theme Rooms to
Choose From!” It’s right across the street from the
Shakey’s. The Judge is parked in front of a room.

INT. HARLAN’S FANTASY INN - THE “BLAZE” ROOM

The walls are painted with flames. The room is decorated

with firefighter memorabilia including hoses, axes, helmets
and a life-size cardboard cut-out of a sexy shirtless
fireman. There’s a thick brass pole in one corner. The bed
looks like a wide fire engine. The clock on the wall reads,
ten minutes to eleven.

Ian is brushing his teeth and getting ready to go. Felicia

sits on the bed, watching TV. She’s wearing the flip-flops
Ian bought for her. Ian takes one more look in the mirror.
He’s unsure of himself.

FELICIA
You look good.

IAN
Thanks.

He puts on his jacket and steps to the door.

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 99.

FELICIA
Ian... Don’t do this, okay? Don’t
turn into Lance. You’re a nice
guy.

IAN
That’s why I’m still a virgin.

FELICIA
So what if you’re a virgin? It’s
just sex, Ian.

IAN
It’s not about the sex. I’m weird.
I’m the only virgin I know. I
gotta get this done so everyone can
stop freaking out about it. I know
you don’t approve but I’m sorry,
I’m not going home a virgin.

He turns to exit.

FELICIA
Okay. Then do it with me.

He turns back, baffled.

IAN
What?

Felicia downplays; this is not a sexy offer.

FELICIA
Do it with me, not some total
stranger. I mean, we’re friends,
you know you won’t get some nasty
disease. Crabs or whatever.

IAN
Wow. I’d rather stay a virgin than
lose it on pity-sex.

FELICIA
I’m not talking about pity-sex.

IAN
Then what are you talking about?

FELICIA
I don’t know. Sex. It doesn’t
have to mean anything. It doesn’t
have to jeopardize our friendship.

Ian sighs hard. He can’t take hearing that word again.

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 100.

IAN
You know what, Felicia? Fuck the
friendship. I’m sorry, but I can’t
be the guy you talk to about your
boyfriends anymore. I can’t be the
guy you cry to when they hurt you.
And I won’t be your back-up plan.
Maybe I’m just selfish but it’s not
enough. Now, I’m gonna go have
meaningless sex with some random
chick I met on the internet, unless
you got something to say to me.

Felicia gets up and heads out the door. She stops and tries
to find the right words. After a beat, she gives up and
walks out, slamming the door behind her.

IAN (CONT’D)
That’s what I thought.

Ian plops down on the bed, considering what he’s done. He

looks at the clock. Three minutes to eleven. He takes a
deep breath, stands and walks to the door. He takes another
beat to decide.

He opens the door, revealing REX! He’s removing a motorcycle

helmet. A dirtbike is on its side, still spinning in the
parking lot. Rex pushes Ian back into the room. Ian falls
backwards onto the bed. Rex flings his helmet at Ian.

IAN (CONT’D)
Rex. What are you doing here?

REX
You ever heard of Lo-Jack, cheese-
dick!? (re: room) What the fuck?

Rex rushes Ian, grabbing him by the neck, lifting him to his
feet, spinning him around and administering a brutal wedgie.

IAN
Rex, wait! The girl - the one I
told you about. She’s right across
the street! She wants to do it
with me and everything!

Rex throws Ian into the dresser, shattering a lamp.

REX
Like I give shit. Get your stuff,
dick-cheese. We’re going home!

Rex picks up Ian’s suitcase and throws it at him.

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 101.

IAN
Okay. Fine. It probably wouldn’t
have stopped all these feelings
I’ve been having anyway.

Rex stops, curious.

REX
What are you talking about?

IAN
You know - feelings,
curiosities...about men.

Ian motions to the Firefighter cut-out.

REX
What!? Ah shit, Ian!

IAN
Just lately, you know? I think you
were right, Rex. I think I might
be getting gay.

Rex picks Ian up by the shirt.

IAN (CONT’D)
I don’t have any luck with girls.
Maybe it’s a sign.

REX
Uh, uh! No way is my brother
taking it in the chili ring!

Rex boils like he might explode.

REX (CONT’D)
Alright. You take the car and go
bang a female woman like the good
lord intended. You got one hour.

He releases Ian and pushes him toward the door.

REX (CONT’D)
But, Ian...not up the butt!

Ian runs out.

INT. THE JUDGE

Ian jumps in the car. He checks his watch - 10:59. He

starts it up and races across the street. He slowly pulls
into the lot, looking all around for Tasty. No sign of her.

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 102.

He does spot a CREEPY old fat guy, standing in the parking

lot, watching him drive in. The guy waves to Ian.

CREEPY
That’s a sweet GTO.

IAN
So, you’re Ms. Tasty?

CREEPY
You give me a ride in that and you
can call me whatever you like.

Ian bangs his head against the steering wheel.

MS. TASTY (O.S.)

Ian! Oh my gosh! Hey!

Ian turns to see the real Ms. Tasty stepping out of vintage
Dodge Charger. She’s even hotter than her picture and she
speaks in a sweet southern accent that we didn’t hear in
cyberspace. She trots over to the car.

MS. TASTY (CONT’D)

I was sure you were standing me up.

She jumps into the passenger side. Ian is terrified.

MS. TASTY (CONT’D)

But, here you are. Look at you.

IAN
Yeah. Look at me.

MS. TASTY
You look kinda different than your
picture.

IAN
Yeah. I, um, lost some weight
‘cause I had the runs-- The flu.
And I went to get my haircut and--

MS. TASTY
Well, you’re mighty cute.

IAN
Oh. Good. What do you wanna do?

MS. TASTY
Hmmm. I LOVE your car. Why don’t
you take me for a ride.

Ian pulls out of the lot. Tasty cuddles up to him.

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 103.

IAN
So, Ms. Tasty. What’s your real
name?

MS. TASTY
I’ll tell you after.

She kisses his neck. Ian smiles through his fear. They
drive on. She rubs his chest and nuzzles his ear. Behind
them a head slowly peeks up from the back seat - Felicia!
She sees Ms. Tasty kiss Ian’s cheek. She ditches back down.

INT. HARLAN’S FANTASY INN - THE “JUNGLE” ROOM

Lance and Mary’s room is thick with fake jungle foliage.

Jungle noises play. The headboard of the bed is an exotic
fish aquarium. Lance and Mary lie on the bed. She cradles
him like a child.

LANCE
I’ve just never felt this way about
anyone before. I think I’m falling--

She kisses him.

MARY
Lance, I can’t. It doesn’t work
that way. If I don’t go back, I’ll
be shunned. I’d never see my
family again.

LANCE
This Amish thing is a real
motherfucker.

MARY
Tell me about it.

EXT. CITY PARK - NIGHT

Ian and Tasty lie on the grass, next to the Judge. They look
up at the stars, using the foam Donut costume as a pillow.

IAN
I don’t get it. Why would a girl
like you be meeting people on the
internet? I mean, you could have
any guy you wanted.

MS. TASTY
I’ve had some mighty bad luck when
it comes to guys.
(MORE)

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 104.

MS. TASTY (CONT'D)

Dated a lot of greaseballs. I
decided I wanted to communicate
with someone, before... Well,
before this.

She kisses him. Ian’s eyes remain wide open as they kiss.
Pan over to the Judge. The windows are rolled down and
Felicia is peeking out from the back seat.

MS. TASTY (CONT’D)

(whispers)
Ian, why don’t you take your
clothes off.

IAN
Really?

She sits up and removes her shirt, revealing her terrifyingly

perfect breasts.

In the car, Felicia glances down at her own flatter chest.

Ian sits up, facing Tasty. He maintains hard, deliberate eye-

contact. She giggles.

MS. TASTY
Ian, you can look if you like.

Ian looks down. After a beat, he takes his out glasses and
puts them on. Now he can’t look away. She gently pushes him
backward, climbs over him on all fours and tugs at his pants.
His phone falls out. He picks it up and the screen lights up
with the photo of Felicia by the shoe tree. Ian looks at it,
swallows hard and stuffs the phone back in his pocket.

IAN
Wait. Listen, I, um...I have to
confess something.

She stops and looks at him.

IAN (CONT’D)
I don’t play football.

This makes Felicia smile and Tasty laugh.

MS. TASTY
Okay. I appreciate your honesty.

She continues tugging at his pants.

IAN
No, seriously. I don’t even really
watch football.
(MORE)

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 105.

IAN (CONT'D)
I got all that stuff from Friday
Night Lights. I’m not even in
college yet.

MS. TASTY
Ian. What do you think?
Everything on my profile is the
god’s honest truth? Now, come on,
take your clothes off.

She tries to take his shirt off. Again, he stops her.

IAN
Wait. There’s something else.
Okay, there’s this girl and we--

MS. TASTY
Ian. I have a boyfriend. This can
be our little secret.

IAN
Well, no. The thing is. I think I
might be in love with her...

Tasty sits back down in the grass and releases an annoyed

sigh. Felicia is now tearing up through a giddy smile.

IAN (CONT’D)
...and I know it’s stupid, right?
She probably won’t ever even--

MS. TASTY
Ian. Just shut up and take your
god damned clothes off. Jesus.

IAN
I’m sorry.

DEEP MAN VOICE (O.S.)

You heard the lady - strip.

Ian turns to see BOBBY JO, a huge, burly biker type, standing
over him with a gun pointed at Ian’s head.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY PARK - MOMENTS LATER

Bobby Jo climbs behind the wheel of the Judge. Tasty carries

Ian’s clothes into the passenger side. She slams the door
and calls back to Ian, who now stands naked, balls-in-hands.

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 106.

MS. TASTY
You were right, Ian. Sixty Nine
Judge - You were worth the wait.

IAN
Please, no! It’s not even my car!

MS. TASTY
Good luck with your ladyfriend!

They peel away, Ian sees Felicia’s terrified face pop up from
the back seat.

IAN
Felicia! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

INT. THE JUDGE - MOMENTS LATER

Bobby Jo drives as Ms. Tasty grinds on him in the front seat.

MS. TASTY
Bobby Jo Calhoun, you were so
awesome back there! God damn sixty
nine Judge. I love you so much,
baby. Now listen, I got me another
car coming in any minute so drop me
back to the Shakey’s and get this
Goat over to Luis. Remember he’s
on fifth and Crescent. Don’t mess
it up this time!

Meanwhile, Felicia is lying in the back seat, furiously

texting on her phone.

INT. HARLAN’S FANTASY INN - THE “JUNGLE” ROOM

Lance’s phone sits on the night stand, blinking a text

message that goes unseen as Lance and Mary are having sex.
She’s getting crazy on top. Lance is in heaven.

LANCE
I’m banging an Amish chick. I
mean, what are the odds?

EXT. SHAKEY’S PARKING LOT - NIGHT

The Judge pulls into the lot. Tasty jumps out just in time
to greet a car that’s pulling in - THE PIMPED OUT HONDA. She
trots over to it.

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 107.

MS. TASTY
Hey, boys! You finally made it!

The window lowers revealing ANDY & RANDY!

ANDY
You Ms. Tasty?

RANDY
Damn, you’re hot as fuck.

ANDY
We got beers and rubbers.

RANDY
And some lotion for your tits.

INT. THE JUDGE

Bobby Jo is about to pull away when he hears a beeping sound.

He looks around, then rifles through Ian’s clothes. He pulls
out Ian’s phone. A text message is flashing: “Ian! I’m in
the back seat! Help!” Bobby Jo looks over the seat to see
Felicia lying on the floor. She gives him a sheepish wave.

BOBBY JO
What the hell?

EXT. SHAKEY’S PARKING LOT - HONDA

Tasty is talking to Andy & Randy, who are now far more timid.

ANDY
So, wait. You do wanna party?

RANDY
With us?

MS. TASTY
Oh, yeah. I want us all to get
naked and party.

Andy & Randy exchange innocent, worried looks. This is not

the reply they are used to. Andy looks away and zips up his
hoodie as far as it will go. Randy also diverts his eyes as
he subtly reaches up to lock the door. Ms. Tasty looks down
at the locked door button, confused.

CRASH!!! In the background, the Judge is rocked as it is T-

boned on the passenger side by a huge, jacked-up pick-up.
Tasty spins around, “What the hell?” Andy and Randy raise
the windows behind her.

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 108.

INT. HARLAN’S FANTASY INN - THE “BLAZE” ROOM

Rex heard the noise. He looks out the window.

REX
Holy fuckballs!

EXT. SHAKEY’S PARKING LOT

A big hillbilly climbs out of the truck - it’s Rick!

(Brandy’s boyfriend from the cornfield.)

RICK
Get your ass out of the car you
motherfuckin’...motherfucker!

Bobby Jo climbs out of the Judge. Rick takes a step back.

RICK (CONT’D)
Whoa. Who the fuck are you, man!?

Bobby Jo crosses to assess the damage. He speaks in a low,

laid back and almost polite southern drawl.

BOBBY JO
God damn it.

RICK
Oh, shit. My bad. I thought you
were someone else. Well, I
wouldn’t worry about it. A little
Bondo will take care that.

Bobby Jo gives Rick’s truck the once over.

BOBBY JO
Well, you done fouled up my ride,
so I guess I’ll be taking yours.

RICK
Fuck that shit.

Bobby Jo raises his gun to Rick’s face. Rick tosses the keys.

RICK (CONT’D)
It’s three on the tree and the
clutch sticks.

Rex runs into the scene. Bobby Jo points the gun at him but
Rex doesn’t even notice. He rushes to the Judge and strokes
it like an injured child.

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 109.

BOBBY JO
Take a step back, boy.

Rex turns. No fear. He steps to Bobby Jo.

REX
Bite my dick, asswipe.

CRACK! Bobby Jo pistol whips Rex, who goes down hard.

REX (CONT’D)
Aahhgg! Jesus Christ! What’d you
do that for, man!?

Lance then rounds the corner, stops cold and goes wide-eyed
at the crazy scene.

RICK
That’s the sum-bitch I was looking
for!

LANCE
(shitting bricks)
Rick. Rickster. How’d you find
us?

Rick takes out the Google maps and whips them at Lance. Rex,
still on the ground, calls out to Lance.

REX
Lance!? What’s going on here,
faggot!?

LANCE
I have absolutely no idea.

Ms. Tasty looks on, trying to decide whether she should

engage in the situation. Something gets her attention -
Felicia is sneaking out of the back seat. Tasty has had
enough of this mess.

MS. TASTY
Bobby Jo! Who the hell is that!?

BOBBY JO
Oh, yeah. That’s Felicia. Turns
out she was hiding out in the back.

MS. TASTY
Well shit, boy! Then she heard
everything! Hello!

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 110.

BOBBY JO
Damn it. You’re right. Come here
darlin’.

Felicia tries to bolt but Bobby Jo grabs her by the hair and
pulls her back kicking and screaming toward the truck.

IAN (O.S.)
Take your hands off her!

Bobby Jo looks around. Nobody. He turns just in time to see

Señor Donut diving through the air. Bobby Jo raises his
hands. Ian crashes into him. The gun falls, bounces off the
pavement and discharges, taking out Andy & Randy’s
windshield. They bail out. Everyone hits the deck.

Bobby Jo looks up to see that the gun is now at Ian’s feet.

Ian is struggling to bend down for it. Bobby Jo goes after
it but Ian beats him to it and levels the gun at Bobby Jo.

IAN (CONT’D)
(working the mouth)
Everybody get back! Get back, man!

Bobby Jo stands and backs up.

IAN (CONT’D)
(working the mouth)
Okay! Good! Everybody just be
cool! Tasty! Get over there!

LANCE
Ian, you’re working the mouth.

IAN
(working the mouth)
I don’t care! Felicia, are you
okay!?

Felicia nods. A phone rings. Everyone looks around. Bobby

Jo’s shirt pocket is glowing.

IAN (CONT’D)
My phone! Answer it! Now!

RICK
You best do what he says. That
donut ain’t fuckin’ around.

BOBBY JO
(answering)
Hello? Um yes, sir... I believe
he’s right here...
(MORE)

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 111.

BOBBY JO (CONT'D)
Um, I believe he’s wearing it
now... Yes, sir, a cruller pert
near four foot ‘round.

IAN
Is that Ron?

BOBBY JO
Yes, sir and he sounds mighty
ticked. Why don’t I just put y’all
on speaker.

Bobby Jo holds up the phone.

RON (V.O.)
Ian? Listen chief, I need my
costume back, toot-sweet.

IAN
Ron, I’ll be in on Tuesday.

RON
Not gonna cut it, Ian. Bring it
back first thing in the morning or
you’re fired.

IAN
(working the mouth again)
I’m fired? I’m the best employee
you got! I stay late all the time,
I cover for you when you have your
D & D tournaments, I’m the only one
who knows how to fix the register
spool! Fuck you! I dare you to
fire me!

Rex and Lance exchange a glance - they’re impressed.

RON
Okay. Don’t get all testy. I was
just horsing around. Just bring
‘er in when you can, amigo.

IAN
Hang it up! (Bobby Jo does) Okay!
Here’s what’s gonna happen! Rex!
You’re gonna get the Judge outta
here! Rick! You can punch Lance
but just once.

LANCE
What the fuck, dude?

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 112.

IAN
You nailed his girlfriend!

LANCE
Not exactly. But okay. Fair
enough. Not in the nuts, okay?

WHAP! Rick punches Lance in the head. Lance goes back but
not down. He holds himself up with his hands on his knees.

LANCE (CONT’D)
Holy god. Good punch.

IAN
Now get in your truck and get out
of here!

RICK
He’s got my keys.

IAN
Give him his fuckin’ keys!

Bobby Jo walks toward Ian.

BOBBY JO
You ain’t gonna kill nobody.

REX
Smoke that cocksucker, Ian!

IAN
Stop! I’m serious!

BOBBY JO
I bet you don’t even know how shoot
that thing.

Ian fires the gun in the air. Bobby Jo stops.

BOBBY JO (CONT’D)
Okay. But anybody can shoot a gun
in the air.

Bobby Jo keeps coming.

IAN
I’ll shoot you in the leg!

BOBBY JO
I don’t think so.

BANG! Ian shoots him in the leg. Bobby Jo writhes in pain.

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 113.

BOBBY JO (CONT’D)
(wincing)
Okay! Okay! But anybody can shoot
someone in the leg.

Bobby Jo limps toward Ian.

IAN
Jesus, man! What do I gotta do?

Suddenly, a squad car slides sideways into the parking lot.

Mary is in the back seat. Another squad car pulls in behind
it. Ms. Tasty makes a break for it. She passes Andy &
Randy. Andy trips her and she eats shit. A tall, thin cop
grabs her and handcuffs her.

A fat, dim cop leaps out of the first car, pumps his rifle
and aims it over his hood at Ian.

FAT COP
Drop the weapon, donut man!

Ian drops the gun. Everyone flinches but it doesn’t go off

again.

FAT COP (CONT’D)

Okay! Hands on your head!

Ian puts his right hand on Señor Donut’s head.

FAT COP (CONT’D)

Both hands, asshole!

IAN
I can’t move the other arm!

FAT COP
Who said that!?

IAN
(working the mouth)
I can’t move the other arm!

His partner covers everyone else as the fat cop cautiously

crosses toward Ian. When he reaches him, he whips out a stun
gun and zaps Ian but he’s protected by the foam donut.

IAN (CONT’D)
(working the mouth)
Okay! I’m not resisting!

The cop zaps him again, then sprays pepper spray into the
plastic eyes on top. It splashes back at the cop, who covers
his eyes and falls backward.

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 114.

FAT COP
The big Mexican won’t go down!
Take your shot!

BLAM! The other cop fires at Ian, blowing off his fake arm.
Felicia runs to stand in front of him.

FELICIA
Jesus Christ! He’s not the bad guy
here! She’s the car thief!

The cop looks at Ms. Tasty.

THIN COP
Say Dan. Ain’t she the perp from
the FBI bulletin? The one who’s
stealing cars with her computer.

The fat cop squints up at her.

FAT COP
Shit the tub.

EXT. SHAKEY’S PARKING LOT - LATER

A few more squad cars are there. Ms. Tasty and Bobby Jo are
being read their rights while a medic bandages up Bobby Jo’s
leg. Felicia gives an eyewitness report to a cop.

FELICIA
...and there’s some guy named Luis
who was waiting for them at Fifth
and Crescent...

Andy and Randy are being interviewed by a hot blonde news

reporter.

REPORTER
I understand you gentlemen got a
good look at the perpetrators.

ANDY
We got more than a good look.

RANDY
Yeah. We were banging that chick
in our car.

ANDY
Totally banging her. Hard.

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 115.

REPORTER
Alright! Jesus Christ! Shut it
down guys. We got any witnesses
who aren’t retarded!?

CAMERMAN
We’re live, Judy.

RANDY
(to cameraman)
You bangin’ her?

ANDY
We’d totally bang her.

Ian sits on the hood of a squad car, still in the donut suit.
Felicia steps up, unzips Ian and helps him get his head out. *

FELICIA
Thanks for coming for me.

IAN
What were you doing in the back
seat?

FELICIA
I don’t know.

IAN
You don’t know. Jesus. Why can’t
you just say it?

FELICIA
You first.

IAN
Fine. You love me.

FELICIA
Okay. Well, you love me too then.

He kisses her. Then a longer one. Rex walks by.

REX
Thank god.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. AMISH BARN - DAY

Ian, Rex, Lance and Felicia are milking cows. Rex is grossed
out. They are all filthy and sweaty. They look like they’ve
been at it a while.

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 116.

VROOOM!! They look over to see the Judge being rolled out of
the barn. The side damage is as good as new and now there
are flames on the side. Rex stands, very pleased.

They all run to the car. Ezekiel climbs out and pulls off
some extra masking tape around the moulding.

REX
(to Ian)
Okay. I guess you get to live.

EXT. AMISH BARN - LATER

Ian and Felicia are in the Judge. Rex kick starts his
dirtbike.

REX
Straight home, pussy! And keep
your god damn phone on!

Rex takes off.

Lance and Mary are kissing near the barn. Ian honks the
horn. Lance runs over.

IAN
Dude, we gotta go.

LANCE
You two go ahead. I’m gonna hang
here and kick it Amish style.

IAN
What are you talking about?

LANCE
Hard work, fresh air, missionary
position - sounds good.

FELICIA
Lance. Give me a break.

Ian sees in Lance’s eyes that he’s serious. Ian gets out and
gives Lance a hug.

LANCE
Now, you two go ‘visit grandma.’

Lance walks back to Mary. Ian and Felicia drive off into the
summer evening.

DISSOLVE TO:

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 117.

Close on Ian and Felicia, face to face, nothing but blue sky
behind them. She kisses him.

FELICIA
Are you sure you’re ready to do
this?

IAN
Yeah.

A wide shot reveals that we are along a:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - SUNSET

Ian tosses his shoes into the shoe tree. Felicia cheers.
They stand and look for a moment more, then walk to the car
barefooted. Felicia is fine but Ian is tip-towing and
wincing as his tender feet feel every pebble.

EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DUSK

The Judge rolls down the road. Felicia snuggles up to Ian in

the front seat. They look deeply contented.

IAN (V.O.)
A few weeks later, I was Felicia’s
date to Tiffany’s wedding. This
time it wasn’t a just-friends
thing.

Cutaway to Ian and Felicia dancing together at the wedding.

He kisses her.

IAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Tiffany was right, Felicia did ruin
all the pictures.

Cutaway to a photo of the wedding party. Zoom in on Felicia.

She is smiling but her hand is subtly giving the finger.

IAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

That night, Felicia and I finally
‘visited grandma.’

Cutaway to Ian’s basement. Felicia’s yellow dress is on the

floor. They lie together, winded and sweaty, on the old
couch. After a beat, she pulls Ian back on top of her.

IAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

...Twice.

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 118.

Track past them and up the stairs. Rex stands at the top.
He lights a pack of firecrackers, tosses them down the stairs
and laughs his ass off as they pop off.

IAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Rex did make my life hell for a
while. But two years later he
finally came out to the family.

Cutaway to thanksgiving dinner. Rex stands and makes a

tearful announcement. His mother cries; his father upends
the turkey and storms out.

IAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

My parents got used to the idea.
And Rex is a actually a pretty
great guy these days. Now he only
uses the word ‘faggot’ during sex.

Cutaway to Christmas dinner. Now Rex happily sits next to a

handsome man. Mom and Dad smile and hand them a gift. Rex
and his boyfriend delight as they unwrap a juicer.

IAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Let’s see. What else. Oh, my dad
made Dylan take my old job.

Cutaway to Dylan, working the counter at Senor Donut. Ron is

smelling his finger with great interest.

IAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Andy & Randy finally got a
girlfriend.

Cutaway to Andy and Randy with their arms around a slightly

heavy young girl. They are gushing with pride.

IAN (V.O.) (CONT’D)

...and as for Lance’s new simpler
life among the Amish...

We return to where we left off, as Ian and Felicia drive away

in the Judge. Ian’s phone rings. He answers.

IAN (CONT’D)
(into the phone)
Hello?... What do you mean it’s
not working out? You’ve been Amish
for forty five minutes!

The Judge turns around and drives back the other way.

FADE OUT.

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 119.

THE END

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