THE MENTAL TOUGHNESS

HANDBOOK

A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO FACING LIFE'S

CHALLENGES, MANAGING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS, AND
OVERCOMING ADVERSITY WITH COURAGE AND
POISE!
DAMON ZAHARIADES
ARTOFPRODUCTIVITY.COM
 CONTENTS

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Introduction
I. Fundamentals of Mental Toughness
What Is Mental Toughness (And How Does It Differ from Grit)?
10 Benefits of Becoming Mentally Tough
Top 7 Traits of Mentally Tough People
8 Sworn Enemies of Mental Toughness
II. Pivotal Factors in Developing Mental Toughness
Mental Toughness and Emotional Mastery
Mental Toughness and Mental Resilience
Mental Toughness in the Face of Adversity
Mental Toughness and the Importance of Delaying Gratification
Mental Toughness and Your Habits
Talent, Ability, and Confidence: How They Influence Mental Toughness
How Your Attitude Affects Your Mental Toughness
Mental Toughness and Your Inner Critic
The Role of Willpower and Motivation
The Role of Self-Discipline
How to Reject the Desire to Give Up
The Upside of Boredom
How to Learn the RIGHT Lessons from Failure
How Navy SEALs Develop Mental Toughness
III. A Quick-Start Guide to Becoming Mentally Tough
Practical Applications of Mental Toughness
A 10-Step Training Program for Toughening Your Mind
The Mental Toughness Maintenance Guide
Final Thoughts On Developing Mental Toughness
Did You Enjoy Reading The Mental Toughness Handbook?

About the Author

Other Books by Damon Zahariades
 OTHER BOOKS BY DAMON ZAHARIADES

The Mental Toughness Handbook

The Procrastination Cure
To-Do List Formula
The Time Management Solution
80/20 Your Life!
The Time Chunking Method
How to Make Better Decisions

The Art of Living Well series

The Art Of Saying NO
The Art of Letting GO
The Art of Finding FLOW

The 30-Day Productivity Boost series

The 30-Day Productivity Plan - VOLUME I
The 30-Day Productivity Plan - VOLUME II

Self-Help Books for Busy People series

Small Habits Revolution
The Joy Of Imperfection
The P.R.I.M.E.R. Goal Setting Method

Improve Your Focus and Mental Discipline series

Fast Focus
Morning Makeover
Digital Detox

Please visit ArtofProductivity.com for a complete list of titles and summaries. All titles are available for
purchase at Amazon.
 YOUR FREE GIFT

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Productivity! The Top 10 Habits You Must Develop To Get More Things
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It’s short enough to read quickly, but meaty enough to offer actionable
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You can get immediate access to Catapult Your Productivity by clicking
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 In the following pages, we’re going to do a deep dive into mental
toughness. By the time you finish reading this book, you’ll have everything
you need (including a step-by-step action plan), to endure and conquer any
hardship or challenge you encounter.
 NOTABLE QUOTABLES ABOUT MENTAL TOUGHNESS

“Successful people have fear, successful people have doubts, and successful
people have worries. They just don't let these feelings stop them.”

- T. Harv Eker

“If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means
paint, and that voice will be silenced.”

- Vincent van Gogh

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his
goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

- Thomas Jefferson

“The scope of one’s personality is defined by the magnitude of that problem

which is capable of driving a person out of his wits.”

- Sigmund Freud
“Mental toughness is spartanism with qualities of sacrifice, self-denial,
dedication. It is fearlessness, and it is love.”

- Vince Lombardi
 INTRODUCTION

A nyone who has achieved lasting success possesses mental toughness.

Athletes, corporate executives, teachers, parents, students,
entrepreneurs, authors… the field of expertise is irrelevant. The fact
that an individual has excelled over the long run is sufficient evidence that he
or she is mentally tough.
There’s no other way to attain persistent excellence. The road to enduring
success is paved with obstacles.
No one is spared the gauntlet.
Mental toughness is required to overcome hurdles that threaten to derail
us from our goals. This state of mind can literally mean the difference
between success and failure.
The Many Names of Mental Toughness
A lot of terms are used synonymously with mental toughness, and some are
less accurate than others. Following are examples:

grit
persistance
tenacity
perseverance
stoicism
resilience
resoluteness
resolve
mental stamina
mental fortitude
discipline

We’ll distinguish the finer details in Part I: Fundamentals of Mental

Toughness. For now, it’s enough to understand the general principle: mental
toughness is our durability in the face of adversity.
You’ll see this principle illustrated in greater detail as we examine the
many facets of personal durability and resolve in Part II: Pivotal Factors in
Developing Mental Toughness. We’ll cover a lot of material in Part II. This
section of the book moves quickly and includes plenty of exercises to help
you apply what you’ve learned.
Lastly, in Part III: A Quick-Start Guide to Becoming Mentally Tough,
we’ll go through a 10-step program for building your resilience from the
ground up. You’ll also learn how to maintain your newly-developed mental
toughness throughout your life.
What This Book Is (And Is NOT) About
The goal of this book is to help you achieve greater levels of success in
whatever area of your life you’d like to focus on. In short, I’m going to show
you how to build mental resilience and overcome any obstacle, setback, or
misfortune life throws at you.
It’s going to take more than optimistic platitudes and positive self-talk. I
won’t lie to you; it’s going to entail hard work. It’ll take effort, and there’ll be
plenty of frustration along the way. But the rewards for becoming mentally
tough are considerable. You’ll feel more effectual, powerful, and influential.
You’ll feel as if you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
The confidence you’ll build from this gradual change in mindset - and it
is a gradual process - will help you to literally transform your life. Whether
that means excelling as a parent, enjoying greater success as a business
owner, or improving the relationships you enjoy with your friends and loved
ones depends on your focus.
In my opinion, most personal development books are too long. They’re
filled with anecdotes, cheerleading, and research-driven prose that borders on
intellectual grandstanding.
This book is different. It’s light on the above and heavy on actionable
advice, stuff you can start using today. My goal is to cover the requisite
material thoroughly but quickly so you can apply the advice as soon as
possible. Nothing would make me happier than for you to read this short
book and take purposeful, immediate action based on its instruction.
How to Make This Book Work for YOU
You’ll come across numerous exercises throughout the book. Please don’t
ignore them. Take the time to complete them. Most of the exercises are very
simple, and require little time and effort.
I suspect many readers will gloss over them for those reasons alone,
dismissing them because they’re easy and quick. I encourage you to be
different. Do the exercises with confidence that they’ll help you to become
mentally tough. While this book isn’t technically a workbook, it does
prioritize taking action over mere learning.
Why? Because applying the information you learn is necessary if you
hope to use it to change your life.
We know this from experience. I’ve lost count of the number of books
I’ve read and workshops I’ve attended where the guidance was lost on me
due to my failure to put the information to use. Perhaps you can relate to that
mistake.
So again, please do the exercises. You’ll be happy you did by the time
you finish reading this book.
Your Mission, If You Choose to Accept It…
Has success been fleeting in your life? Have you had difficulty achieving and
maintaining greatness in your chosen areas of focus? Has life thrown you
unexpected curve balls that have left you feeling discouraged, angry, and
depressed?
If so, today is the perfect day to start making positive changes.
No matter where you are in your life, no matter what struggles you’re
currently experiencing, you can improve your circumstances. You can
achieve greater levels of success. This fact should fill you with practical
optimism. After all, you have tremendous influence over your mindset.
Control that, and the battle is nearly won.
The Mental Toughness Handbook will prepare you for the fight. It’ll give
you the necessary tools, offer a methodical game plan, and provide the
training you’ll need to become increasingly durable in the face of adversity.
We’ll be going on this journey together. I’ll be your tour guide, and will
ensure you maximize your time and attentional resources. By the time we’re
done, assuming you do the exercises, you’ll notice your mindset has already
begun to change.
You’ll have started to truly become mentally tough.
Does that sound good to you? Then let’s jump in.
PART I
 FUNDAMENTALS OF MENTAL
TOUGHNESS

No one is born with mental toughness. We develop it over time, similar to

building a muscle. That’s wonderful news because it means anyone can do it.
All that is required is commitment.
The reason so many don’t develop mental toughness is because it entails
a lot of work and patience, and comes with a fair bit of frustration. It involves
discomfort. You’re part of a special group because you’re willing to put in
the work and endure the frustration to develop a state of mind that’ll reward
you throughout your life.
But first things first. Before you can develop mental toughness, it’s
important to understand its many facets. That’s what we’ll focus on in this
section. We’ll examine what mental toughness is and how it’ll improve your
life. I’ll also describe the telltale traits of people who have mastered it. You’ll
be able to use this as a checklist for personal comparison as you develop the
skill yourself.
Finally, we’ll highlight several enemies of mental toughness. These are
the obstacles that’ll try to discourage you from persevering when
circumstances fail to go your way. After you finish reading Part I, you’ll be
acutely aware of these obstacles. This advance awareness will help you to
overcome them when you confront them.
 One quick note: you’ve probably glanced at this book’s table of contents.
If so, you’ve noticed there are a lot of chapters. Don’t feel daunted. Most of
the chapters are short because we’ll be focusing on applying the material.
Minimal theory, maximum action.
Onward.
 WHAT IS MENTAL TOUGHNESS (AND HOW
DOES IT DIFFER FROM GRIT)?

I provided a simple definition earlier: mental toughness is durability in the

face of adversity. But there’s a lot going on in that definition, so let’s
unpack it.
First, it involves our reaction to stress. Do we crumble or persist? Do we
give up or stay the course?
Second, it involves our responses to our emotions. What do we do when
we feel frustrated? How do we deal with our anger and disappointment when
life seems unfair to us?
Third, it involves our resilience. When things go wrong in our lives, do
we dust ourselves off and get back on track or complain and blame others for
our predicaments?
Fourth, it involves our grit. When we face roadblocks to achieving our
goals, do we press onward or concede defeat?
Grit and mental toughness are often considered to be the same thing. In
truth, they’re not. Grit is an attribute that defines our inclination to persevere
in adverse circumstances. Mental toughness is a state of mind. It defines our
attitudinal durability in such circumstances. It describes our general outlook.
In that way, it’s closer to stoicism than grit.
Having said that, grit is a crucial ingredient in developing mental
toughness. Grit helps us to regulate our responses to our negative emotions. It
fills us with the confidence we need to focus on achievement rather than our
fear of failure. It’s impossible to be mentally tough and not possess a healthy
amount of grit.
Now that we’ve unpacked the definition of mental toughness, let’s flesh it
out with a few real-life examples.
Real-Life Examples of Mental Toughness
You probably know at least one athlete. If this person cares about his or her
performance, he or she possesses mental toughness. Athletes, from football
players to figure skaters, put their minds and bodies through the wringer.
There’s no way they can endure the punishing discipline required of them
and the disappointment that accompanies performing below their standards
without developing a level of mental durability.
You probably also know at least one entrepreneur. If that person has built
a successful business, you can be sure he or she has experienced times of
extreme stress. Entrepreneurs and business owners face countless obstacles
and setbacks. The only way they can succeed in the long run is to endure and
overcome them.
Consider doctors and nurses. These professionals deal with life-and-death
situations every day, and none of these situations are scripted. Whether in the
emergency room or the operating room, things often go wrong. Unanticipated
complications surface at the worst possible times. The only way doctors and
nurses can perform effectively is by regulating their emotions, accepting their
current circumstances, and acting quickly when things go awry.
Consider first responders, those who are tasked with arriving at the scene
of an emergency and providing specialized help. They include firemen, police
officers, paramedics, and other highly-trained individuals. They work in
extremely stressful environments. They’re expected to perform at a high
level, often when their lives are at risk. There’s no way they can do so
without possessing mental toughness.
If you’re a parent, you undoubtedly have a healthy measure of mental
toughness already, even if it is focused in a single area of your life. Raising
children involves uncertainty and fear. Unforeseen trauma - for example, an
injury or serious illness - must be addressed in the face of panic and negative
emotions. Immediate happiness must often be sacrificed for future rewards.
Raising healthy, confident, capable, self-sufficient children requires
weathering times of stress, fear, and guilt.
Becoming Mentally Strong in Every Area of Your Life
The above are examples of mental toughness exhibited by people you
probably know. In fact, you may be one of these people. But mental
toughness exhibited in one area of our lives often eludes us in other areas.
For example, my ability to endure adverse situations while running my
business doesn’t mean I’d be able to endure the challenges that accompany
raising a child. Likewise, a doctor who’s able to remain calm and effective in
the emergency room may be unable to endure the gnawing stress that
accompanies marital problems.
This book will show you how to become mentally strong in all areas of
your life. Once you become so, you’ll enjoy the peace of mind that comes
with knowing you can handle any situation with poise, grace, and self-
confidence.
 10 BENEFITS OF BECOMING MENTALLY TOUGH

A s we noted earlier, developing mental toughness requires work and

patience, and is accompanied by frustration. The only reason to put
yourself through this experience is the expectation that doing so will
noticeably improve your life. To that end, let’s quickly examine 10 ways that
toughening your mind against adversity will benefit you for years to come.
Benefit #1 - Greater Resistance to Negative Emotions
Emotions are a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they allow us to
experience joy, motivate us to take action, and help us to empathize with
others. However, they can also sabotage us. Negative emotions, such as
anger, shame, fear, and anxiety prompt us to make terrible decisions, hide
mistakes, and feel like giving up when things go awry.
When you become mentally tough, you’ll be better able to regulate your
emotions. You’ll still be in touch with them, but negative feelings will have
less impact on your behavior and responses to adverse conditions.
Benefit #2 - Improved Performance
Peak performance stems from your mindset. This includes how you respond
to setbacks. Whether you’re an athlete, surgeon, chef, or musician, your
ability to perform at a high level depends on how you feel and react when
things go wrong. If you wilt when you encounter setbacks, your performance
will suffer. Worse, you’ll never fully reach your potential.
Mental toughness prepares you for obstacles. Rather than wilting when
you encounter them, you’ll approach them with grace and self-confidence.
You’ll be better able to weather difficult or unplanned circumstances and
overcome challenges.
Benefit #3 - Confidence That Circumstances Will Improve
If you’re not resilient to adversity, it’s easy to become fatalistic when things
go wrong. You may feel like giving up, convinced that life isn’t fair. You
might be inclined to concede defeat, telling yourself that persevering would
be for naught because current conditions are unlikely to get better.
But that’s a false assumption. Circumstances always change. And they
often do so as a result of our actions. Stressful situations can either become
more stressful or relaxing based on our behavioral responses to stress-
inducing stimuli. Uncomfortable situations can either become more
uncomfortable or pleasant based on how we react to our environments.
When you’re mentally resilient to difficult situations, you’re able to
tolerate them, confident that your resolve will be rewarded as circumstances
inevitably improve.
Benefit #4 - Greater Ability to Manage Stress
Stress stems from the expectation of consequences, both real and perceived.
It comes from the knowledge that high stakes are involved in whatever we’re
doing. If we perform poorly, something bad will happen.
For example, salespeople must hit their sales quotas or risk losing their
jobs and income. Firefighters must perform their jobs effectively or others
might lose their lives. Athletes must perform at a high level or risk being
outperformed by their competitors.
Mental strength allows you to endure the pressure. Rather than
succumbing to it, you’re able to thrive under it. Your tenacity helps you to
stay motivated, optimistic, and confident in your abilities in high-stress
situations.
Benefit #5 - Less Susceptibility to Self-Doubt
No one escapes self-doubt entirely. Show me someone who always seems
self-possessed, even to the point of arrogance, and I’ll show you someone
who occasionally (and perhaps even frequently) second-guesses himself or
herself.
Self-doubt affects us all. We wonder whether we’ll be able to compete
effectively. We question whether we’ll achieve our goals. We even entertain
worst-case scenarios, allowing our inner critics to wreak havoc with our
confidence.
Mental toughness doesn’t eliminate self-doubt. Instead, it prevents self-
doubt from sabotaging your performance. It gives you a chance to
acknowledge that even though failure is a possibility, fear of it stems from
insecurity rather than hard evidence. Success is probably more likely than
your inner critic insinuates.
Benefit #6 - Greater Clarity Regarding Your Intentions and Purpose
Dealing with adverse situations is difficult when you’re uncertain of the
reasons you’re doing so. It’s hard to stay motivated to act if you’re unclear
about why you’re putting in the effort.
For example, suppose you’ve spent months looking for a job. Leads are
showing little promise and your savings account is dwindling dangerously
low. It’s easy to become frustrated. It’s tempting to give up. Such is the
power of despair because it focuses on failure, obfuscating your purpose in
the process.
When you’re mentally strong, you’re able to focus on the reasons you’re
trying to accomplish your goal. You’re less susceptible to feelings of
hopelessness because you know why you’re taking action. That knowledge
keeps you motivated to face any challenges that come your way.
Benefit #7 - Fearlessness
Fear of the unknown is one of the most common obstacles to our achieving
our potential. It manifests in different ways, but one of these ways is familiar
to us all: alarm at the prospect of venturing beyond our comfort zones.
Humans place enormous value on comfort and predictability. We might
claim to relish surprises and spontaneity, but in truth, most of us are creatures
of habit. We follow routines. These routines make us feel comfortable and in
control of our environments. To that end, the idea of trying something new
causes us to hesitate. We fear the unknown.
Mental toughness erodes this fear. It gives us the courage to venture
outside our comfort zones and try new things. To that end, it gives us the
opportunity to grow, developing new skills and acquiring new knowledge and
insight.
Benefit #8 - Ability to Accept (And Learn From) Failure
Failure is an inescapable part of life. It’s an ever-present possibility whenever
we try to accomplish something.
Most people will go to great lengths to avoid failure. They perceive it as
an indictment of their character and value. Accordingly, they avoid taking
risks and making mistakes, even though doing so stunts their personal and
professional growth. Failure, to them, is unacceptable.
Mental resilience prepares you to not only accept failure as a potential
outcome of any endeavor, but allows you to learn from your mistakes. Rather
than perceiving failure as a judgement on your character and value, you’ll see
it as a chance to take corrective action for improved performance in the
future. The prospect of failing will no longer hold any power over you.
Benefit #9 - Greater Ability to Delay Gratification
Given a choice, we prefer to experience gratification now rather than later.
It’s human nature. The problem is, this intuitive inclination often imposes
negative consequences.
It motivates us to give up on our goals because they require too much
effort. It chips away at our patience and impulse control as we perceive
forbearance to be a type of needless suffering. It discourages us from working
hard toward accomplishing an objective because we’re tempted by the
pleasures available to us in the moment.
Mental strength amplifies your ability to delay gratification. You’ll no
longer be at the mercy of your impulses. You’ll be able to resist the
temptations that surround you and devote your energy and attention to
endeavors that promise bigger dividends down the road.
Benefit #10 - Willingness to Let Things Go
We tend to hold onto things that have caused us emotional pain. Examples
include mistakes that carried terrible consequences, perceived slights from
others, and regrettable decisions from our distant past. These things can
sometimes begin to define us. They become a part of our identity. When they
become so, they rob us of the inner peace and confidence we would
otherwise experience.
When you develop mental toughness, you’ll become more inclined to let
such things go. Rather than dwelling on past pains and regrets, you’ll see
them as stepping stones to your continual growth. Every mistake become a
lesson from which to acquire insight. Every perceived slight becomes an
opportunity to nurture valued relationships. Every regrettable decision
becomes a chance to reexamine your intentions and ensure they align with
your values.
Ultimately, after these things have served their purpose, you’ll be able to
move on, leaving them where they belong: in the past.

T HIS SECTION WAS A LONG ONE . But it’s important to recognize what you
stand to gain from pursuing mental toughness. Let’s now investigate the
common attributes of mentally-tough people.
 TOP 7 TRAITS OF MENTALLY TOUGH PEOPLE

T hink of the people in your life who epitomize your definition of

success. Maybe it’s a family member who built a huge business in a
competitive market. Maybe it’s a friend who consistently accomplishes
every personal and professional goal he sets for himself. Perhaps it’s a
coworker who’s exceptionally effective at her job.
Like everyone, these individuals face adversity. Things go wrong during
the course of their days. Unanticipated circumstances constantly threaten to
derail them. Failure looms around each corner, and is sometimes
unavoidable.
Yet they manage to persevere, ultimately succeeding in spite of these
obstacles.
Each of these individuals has developed mental toughness. They’ve
learned to be resilient when confronted with adverse situations. They’re able
to face challenges with grit, tenacity, and courage, confident in their abilities
and assured by the fact that hardship and failure are inevitable.
It’s worth placing these people under the microscope to learn what makes
them tick. To that end, here are seven crucial attributes that comprise their
mental toughness.
Trait #1: Ability to Disentangle Themselves from Things They Can’t
Influence
Like all of us, people who are mentally tough are passionate about a variety
of things. For example, some tune into the latest political news, reading
opinions and listening to pundits hoping to gain insight. For others, major
issues like global warming, human trafficking, and food security attract their
attention.
What sets apart mentally tough people is their quick recognition that,
despite their interest, they’re unable to influence most of these issues. This
private concession allows them to disengage after doing what’s possible,
giving them the freedom to focus on things upon which they can have a
significant impact.
Take global warming as an example. Individually, we can vote, we can
sign petitions, and we can minimize our personal carbon footprint. But we
lack the ability to materially influence the issue on a global scale. Spending
countless hours trying to advance the matter without any hope for a justified
and rewarding outcome is a recipe for despair.
Mentally tough people know when to disentangle themselves and move
on.
Trait #2: Flexibility in Handling Unanticipated Events
Life throws curve balls. The moment we’re confident that a situation will
work out exactly as we anticipate, we encounter unforeseen circumstances
that threaten to make a mess out of things.
Most people are surprised, and even paralyzed, by unexpected
developments. This is another area in which mentally strong people stand
apart from the pack. They realize that while making plans is useful,
unpredicted situations can quickly ruin even the most carefully prepared
plans. So they learn to adapt. They train themselves to be mentally flexible so
they’re able to adjust whenever they’re confronted by unexpected
circumstances.
Have you ever watched someone you know to be consistently successful
in their pursuits? Have you ever wondered how they can remain calm when
they encounter one obstacle after another? It’s largely because of their
adaptability, their psychological preparedness for the unexpected.
This is a key attribute among people who are mentally tough.
Trait #3: Strong Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is the recognition of your emotional state, the motives driving
your decisions and actions, and the influence of your personality and
temperament. That’s a loose definition, but it’ll suffice for now.
Mentally strong people are hyper self-aware. They have to be so. Their
confidence to perform effectively and handle any situation that unfolds before
them stems from this awareness. They trust themselves to adapt to changing
circumstances and overcome obstacles not merely because of their strengths,
but also because they acknowledge their weaknesses. This allows them to
control their emotions, absorb stress, and remain resilient when things go
awry.
Most people believe they possess strong self-awareness. But in my
opinion, few actually do. Sure, most of us recognize things that trigger our
emotions. We know certain triggers make us angry, tense, or happy. We’re
also aware that we harbor both good and bad traits. But true self-awareness
extends much deeper. Mentally tough people achieve it by purposefully
investigating their psyches and developing compensatory strategies that help
them deal with adversity.
Trait #4: Willingness to Face Uncertain Circumstances
We talked about how mentally strong people possess the ability to adapt to
unexpected events (Trait #2). They’re also willing to face uncertainty. They
recognize that none of their plans are foolproof. On the contrary, they
intuitively know that all plans are susceptible to failure based on
unanticipated events. As Helmuth von Moltke the Elder, Chief of Staff of the
Prussian army in the 1800s said, “No battle plan survives contact with the
enemy.”
And despite this acknowledgement, they’re inclined to press forward.
They’re ready to act knowing that potential failure looms around every
corner.
This is an unusual attribute. Few of us are born with it. Rather, it’s
developed over time, usually by running a gauntlet of unfavorable situations
that pose a continual threat of emotional, psychological, and even physical
defeat. Show me a mentally tough person and I’ll show you an individual
who has successfully endured a long string of troubles and challenges.
Trait #5: Ability to Bounce Back from Disappointments
Life is full of disappointments. Some are small and have a negligible impact
on our day. Others are weighty and can dominate our mind space for weeks
on end. For example, suppose you’ve toiled at your job for years expecting to
earn a promotion only to be overlooked when the time finally arrived. Or
imagine training for years as an Olympic hopeful only to have your dreams
dashed when you fail to qualify.
These types of disappointments can be so traumatic that they cause us to
avoid taking risks in the future. They can make us apprehensive to the point
that we’re paralyzed, unable to set goals, make plans, and take action. In
short, we’ll go to great lengths to avoid experiencing such disappointments
down the road.
Mentally strong people have a different perspective. Like all of us, they
acknowledge that disappointments, big and small, are inevitable. But they
also recognize that such occurrences can be terrific learning opportunities.
And they investigate accordingly. Disappointing results often reveal tactics
that aren’t working, approaches that are ineffective, and mistakes that can be
avoided henceforth.
This healthy perspective makes it easier for mentally tough individuals to
bounce back when they fail.
Trait #6: Emotional Mastery
All of us experience negative emotions. They arise from disappointment,
unmet expectations, and unforeseen events that complicate our lives.
For example, you may have felt disheartened after receiving a poor
performance review at your job. Perhaps you felt angry at yourself when you
received a terrible grade on an exam after spending several days preparing for
it. Maybe you experienced profound frustration the last time unanticipated
traffic on the freeway made you late for an important appointment.
Many of us live at the mercy of our emotions. That’s a problem when we
experience negative emotions, such as discouragement, anger, and
frustration. These feelings hold us back. They prevent us from making
rational decisions and taking productive action, and thereby hamper our
personal and professional growth.
Mentally strong people have mastered their emotions. Their emotional
intelligence (EQ) is higher than that of most of their peers. That’s not to
suggest they never experience negative emotions. Rather, it indicates they’re
aware of these feelings, are able to regulate themselves in light of them, and
can move forward with purpose.
Trait #7: Practical Optimism
It’s easy to become mired in the negativity that surrounds us. We’re
bombarded by it every day. Whether it’s the latest political scandal or reports
of a pending recession on the horizon, we can forgive ourselves for feeling
gloomy and pessimistic.
Having said that, mental toughness is usually found in those who have a
positive attitude. These individuals are optimistic about the future. To clarify,
they’re not the ebullient type who remain cheerful as their world crumbles.
Rather, they’re cautiously optimistic, seeing opportunities where others see
only disaster and hopelessness. Mentally strong people are upbeat
pragmatists. They protect their minds from negativity, refusing to dwell in it.
Meanwhile, they remain confident in their abilities and sound judgment to
make the best of every situation.
The Good News about Mental Toughness
No one is born mentally strong. It’s something each of us develops. That’s
terrific news because it means that you control it. You can incorporate each
of the seven traits profiled above into your life. Rather than being paralyzed
with fear, frustration, and lack of confidence when things go wrong, you can
develop the mental resilience you need to perform effectively.
Now that we’ve covered the most common attributes of mentally strong
individuals, let’s switch gears. Let’s take a look at some of the biggest
obstacles you’ll encounter on the road to developing mental toughness.
 8 SWORN ENEMIES OF MENTAL TOUGHNESS

L earning to face complications and setbacks while remaining confident

in your ability to persevere is a long road. If developing mental
resiliency were easy, everyone would do it and the idea of giving up
would be strange to us. The fact is, life throws obstacles in our path that can
seem, in the moment, overwhelming. We must train our minds to withstand
the despair and hopelessness that chip away at our confidence and optimism
when things go awry.
There are several adversaries you’ll meet along the way. In fact, you may
already be acquainted with some of them. Each one will try to intimidate you
and pressure you to surrender when situations become difficult to handle.
Below, we’ll take a look at the eight most common threats to your
burgeoning psychological tenacity. By the end of this section, you’ll know
exactly which hazards to look for as you gradually strengthen your resolve. If
you can identify them before they rear their heads, you’ll be better equipped
to overcome them.
Enemy #1: Self-Pity
Feeling sorry for ourselves is exhausting. It takes a lot of energy. It also
sabotages our resolve, making us more likely to resign ourselves to failure
than persevere through difficult situations. We end up dwelling on our
unfavorable circumstances rather than toughening our minds to see our way
through them.
That affects our behavior. Instead of rolling up our sleeves and digging
our heels in, we focus on the fact that everything is going wrong. We wallow
in that negativity, which prevents us from taking the necessary action to
overcome our adverse conditions.
Such is the danger inherent in self-pity. It is the bane of psychological
resilience.
Enemy #2: Self-Doubt
It’s difficult to stay mentally strong in unfavorable situations when you lack
confidence in your abilities and skills. But lack of ability and skill is rarely
the main factor that determines whether you’ll fail or overcome your
circumstances. The deciding factor is usually insecurity. Insecurity breeds
inaction, which is a much larger threat to your success.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling self-doubt. Doing so is natural. It’s
our brain’s way of both protecting us and preparing us for the hard work
ahead. Fortune 500 CEOs, world-class athletes, top film directors, and even
presidents experience it.
The trouble begins when we allow self-doubt to possess such a foothold
in our minds that it paralyzes us. All of our energy becomes focused on our
perceived deficits that our insecurity incapacitates us.
Enemy #3: Your Inner Critic
This enemy is related to Enemy #2 above. But it deserves its own spotlight
because it can have such a crippling effect on our cognitive resolve.
Each of us has an inner critic. It’s the voice in our heads telling us that
we’re not good enough, smart enough, or attractive enough. It’s the nag that
tries to convince us that we don’t deserve the success we seek. It finds fault
in everything we do, and asserts that others will do the same.
Your inner critic may prove to be your most challenging adversary as you
develop mental toughness. It will not only dwell on the negative aspects of
your performance (both perceived and real), but it’ll try to get you to do the
same. And once your mind is focused on negativity, your inner critic will
have successfully distracted you from strengthening your resolve.
Becoming mentally strong requires silencing negative self-talk. In Part
II: Pivotal Factors In Developing Mental Toughness, I’ll share some tips for
showing your inner critic who’s the boss.
Enemy #4: Fear
Fear comes in a lot of flavors. We fear disappointing others. We fear not
meeting their expectations. We fear not meeting our own expectations. We
fear failure. We fear success. We fear the unfamiliar and unknown.
Regardless of its form, fear sabotages our psychological resilience. It
erodes our resolve, releases unhealthy emotions, and causes us to focus on
potentially negative outcomes. We freeze up, overwhelmed by the possibility
of disaster.
Fear distorts reality. It implies that catastrophe and ruination are certain to
follow our performance. If we allow fear to gain a foothold in our minds, we
end up feeling defeated before we’ve even taken action. The truth is, the odds
of catastrophe resulting from whatever we’re doing are so infinitesimal that
they’re unworthy of consideration.
Fear takes every potentially negative outcome and amplifies its impact.
For example, if we’re about to give a presentation, our fear may tell us that
we’ll be ridiculed by our audience and forever branded an incompetent
failure. In reality, we’re likely to leave a favorable impression on our
audience even if a few things fail to go as planned.
Fear is an emotion that opposes the development of mental toughness.
Once the latter develops, fear is rendered powerless.
Enemy #5: Laziness
There’s nothing wrong with feeling lazy. Nor is there anything wrong with
taking the opportunity to relax. We must do so on a regular basis. The
alternative is burnout. And burnout is a much greater threat to your
performance and productivity than bouts of laziness. Having said that,
laziness can breed additional laziness if it’s left unchecked.
For example, suppose your alarm goes off in the morning and rather than
immediately getting out of bed you hit the snooze button. After a few
minutes, you hit it again. And then again. By the time you finally get out of
bed, you’re feeling sluggish. And you’re running late, to boot. Your morning
is off to an idle start, and that sets the tone for your performance later in the
day.
In this case, early laziness opened the door to a general sense of lethargy.
And this feeling of sluggishness will make you less likely to persevere when
things go wrong. Rather than digging in and persisting through adversity,
your mental torpor will encourage you to concede defeat.
Enemy #6: Perfectionism
All of us want to perform without fault. At work, we’d like to give flawless
presentations. At home, we’d like our living spaces to be completely free of
clutter. While participating in sports, we’d like to display impeccable
execution. In school, we’d like to ace every assignment and exam.
In short, we’d prefer to be perfect.
Most of us are willing to admit that we’re not perfect. But for some of us,
the idea of being less than perfect is anathema to our sensibilities. We’re
unable to accept it. So we struggle to be perfect in everything we do, partly to
satisfy our own expectations and partly to avoid disappointing others’
expectations.
The problem is, perfectionism is the scourge of mental toughness.
Nothing breeds inaction and erodes cognitive resilience as completely as the
nagging thought that any performance that’s less than perfect is unacceptable.
This self-harassment breeds self-doubt and gives center stage to your inner
critic.
Enemy #7: Emotionalism
Our emotions can be our best ally or our worst adversary. Sometimes, we
experience joy, hope, love, and inspiration. These positive emotions can
make us feel confidence, content, and optimistic about the future. Other
times, we experience anger, sadness, and jealousy. These negative emotions
can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment, and cause unnecessary
anxiety.
As noted earlier, negative emotions aren’t a problem in and of
themselves. They’re a natural part of our psyches. Experiencing them does
not preclude the development of mental toughness.
The true issue stems from an inability to control these emotions. When
we lose control of them, we can too easily become lost in a pool of
negativity. The more of our attentional resources we surrender to negative
emotions, the less capable we are to remain mentally strong and resolved
during times of challenge and hardship.
In short, we’re less able to cope with life’s difficulties.
Enemy #8: Self-Limiting Beliefs
Each of us possesses a unique set of strengths and weaknesses. Each of us
also possesses a set of beliefs regarding our abilities. These beliefs are often
out of alignment with reality; we presume personal deficits where none exist.
When this happens, our beliefs hamper our ability to take purposeful action
toward our goals. In short, they limit us.
For example, suppose you’re thinking about starting a side business.
Following are a few common self-limiting beliefs:

“I’m too old to start a business.”

“I don’t have experience running a business. Without experience,
I’ll fail.”
“My product idea is stupid. Nobody would buy this product.”

These beliefs compose an inaccurate picture. They highlight things that

are either untrue or baseless speculation. For instance, you’re never too old to
start a side business. And millions of people have successfully done so with
zero experience. Moreover, there’s no way to know if people would buy your
product without first offering it to them.
The problem with self-limiting beliefs is that they sabotage us before we
get started. They convince us that we’re not prepared to achieve what we’re
trying to accomplish. Unless we overcome these uncharitable thoughts about
ourselves, we’ll never persist when we encounter hardship and pressure.
Consequently, we’ll inadvertently inhibit our personal growth and fail to
reach our potential.
The Road Forward
We’ve now covered the background you need to train your brain to endure
difficult circumstances and persevere when you’re tempted to give up. In
Part II: Pivotal Factors in Developing Mental Toughness, we’ll go through
the process together, step by step, toward doing so.
Fair warning: this can be a long, arduous road. It’ll require introspection,
patience, and consistent application of the tactics and strategies you’ll learn in
the following pages. But once you reach the end of this road, you’ll possess
the mental toughness you need to courageously overcome life’s adversities in
all of its myriad forms.

EXERCISE #1

R EVIEW the eight enemies of mental toughness profiled above and consider
which ones are wreaking havoc with your cognitive resilience. You may be
struggling with one of them in particular. Or perhaps you’re struggling with
several. Whichever is the case, write them down on an index card. Then,
place the index card on your desk where it’ll be visible to you.
This short exercise will make you hyper-aware of the challenges you’ll
need to overcome as you build your mental toughness.
Time required: 5 minutes.
PART II
 PIVOTAL FACTORS IN DEVELOPING
MENTAL TOUGHNESS

In this section, we’ll train to become mentally tough. I’ll share practical
strategies you can use to master your emotions, improve your resolve, and
develop the psychological readiness you need to handle any situation you
encounter. The tools you’ll receive in this section will also help increase your
tenacity and grit when circumstances deviate from your expectations.
This isn’t merely about mental stamina. Nor is it just about persistence.
It’s about developing the cognitive mettle to press forward when things fail to
go according to your plans. That requires courage, self-confidence, and
mental fortitude.
Facing setbacks and overcoming challenges, and doing so with
composure and grace under pressure, is a learned skill. That’s terrific news! It
means anyone can do it as long as they’re committed and willing to put in the
time and effort training their mind. To that end, you’ll find an exercise at the
end of each chapter. Each exercise is designed to help you apply what you’ve
learned. They’re simple and easy. And most importantly, they lay a crucial
foundation for becoming mentally tough.
Other books heroically detail the theory and psychology behind mental
toughness. That’s not what we’re going to do. On the contrary, we’re going
to focus on practical application. Mental toughness will only be useful to you
if you’re able to apply it to your daily experience.
Are you ready to master your impulses, control your behaviors, and adjust
your mindset so that you respond to adversity in a positive, productive
manner? Are you willing to restructure how your brain processes and reacts
to difficult situations? If so, let’s get to work!
 MENTAL TOUGHNESS AND EMOTIONAL
MASTERY

O ur emotions play a vital role in how we face challenges and setbacks.

Our ability to function effectively when everything around us is going
awry is closely linked to how we process our emotions. If we’re
unable to control them, our capability to perform under pressure suffers. If
we are able to exert control, handling mistakes and distress becomes much
easier.
This is referred to as our emotional intelligence. It’s our ability to
understand and manage our emotions in a way that allows us to perform
effectively. Rather than stifling our feelings in order to toughen our minds
against adversity, we should aim to do the opposite. We should try to
recognize how we feel whenever we encounter challenges so we can learn to
control our fear, manage our stress, and respond with purpose and
determination.
The Value of Self-Awareness
We must know what we feel deep down to become mentally strong. We need
to be acutely aware of our thoughts, beliefs, and convictions. We must clarify
our values so that our responses to unfavorable circumstances are purposeful.
Becoming mentally strong doesn’t require that we detach ourselves from
our emotions. On the contrary, we should embrace them. That’s the only way
to truly master them. By acknowledging our fear, frustration, and other
negative emotions when things go wrong, we’re able to evaluate them,
determine their veracity, and regulate the ones that are unrealistic.
Increasing our self-awareness is the first step toward achieving emotional
mastery.
The Role of Empathy
Empathy is often misconstrued and oversimplified as “being nice.” But it’s
not merely about being polite or being a good listener. There’s a lot more to
it. Being empathetic means putting yourself into another person’s shoes and
acknowledging their emotions in light of their circumstances. You’re able to
comprehend their thoughts and feelings in that moment.
Although empathy is focused on understanding others, it’s an essential
skill to building our own mental toughness. We gain unique insight into
myriad adverse situations experienced by others. We achieve clarity about
such situations that we can use when we encounter them ourselves. And the
more empathy we feel toward others, the less likely we are to make
uninformed assumptions about their circumstances.
By being empathetic, we can honestly answer the questions:

“What emotions would I feel in a similar situation?”

“How would I respond given those emotions?”
“Is that a reasonable response given my abilities, skills, and
knowledge?”
“What type of person do I want to be when faced with these
circumstances?”

Empathy allows us to connect with others. In the process, we’re able to

learn more about ourselves and candidly examine our own temperament
when confronted with complications and distress.
Why Emotional Control Is Critical
Emotional mastery is often misunderstood as meaning to stifle one’s
emotions. But that belief is incorrect. Emotional mastery entails recognizing
our emotions, understanding why we’re experiencing them, and managing
them in a healthy manner.
As mentioned above, we don’t want to disassociate ourselves from our
feelings. That doesn’t lead to mental toughness. Over the long run,
disconnecting just makes us more susceptible to anxiety and depression.
Managing our emotions - that is, exerting emotional control - gives us an
opportunity to acknowledge them, confront them, scrutinize them, and decide
whether what we’re feeling is levelheaded given our circumstances.
For example, suppose you’ve completed an exam at school and received a
poor grade. You may feel disgusted with yourself, presuming that you’re
dense and incapable of doing better. These negative emotions and overly-
critical assumptions will wreak havoc with your ability to perform well in the
future. Exerting emotional control allows you to explore these emotions and
assumptions honestly and determine if they’re accurate (spoiler: they’re
rarely accurate). It gives you a chance to realign your perceptions about your
abilities with reality.
Mental toughness is directly connected to how we perceive ourselves and
our ability to perform, regardless of our circumstances. Emotions that stem
from distress, disappointment, and anxiety hamper us. They slow us down
and can even cause us to abandon our intentions when things go wrong. This
makes emotion management a requisite skill.
How to Master Your Emotions
Gaining emotional control takes time. Many of us spend our entire lives
being heavily influenced by our emotions, even the ones that are
unreasonable given our abilities. So, it’ll take time to learn to manage them.
Following are a few tactics that worked for me. You may find that they work
for you, as well.

Reflect on your feelings, both positive and negative.

Acknowledge them.
Scrutinize negative emotions the moment they surface. Ask
yourself, “Are these emotions reasonable?” If not, reflect on how
these emotions hold you back.
Meditate for five minutes a day. Observe your emotions without
judgement. Mornings are best, but any time is fine.
Confront your inner critic whenever it “speaks.” Investigate its
claims to determine if they’re accurate.
Recognize circumstances you can influence and circumstances
you can’t influence. Get accustomed to letting go of your
frustration regarding the latter.
Take action, even when you’re uncertain of the outcome. This will
train your mind to be proactive.
Try to sleep well, eat well, and exercise. Our physical health
influences our emotional health.

Be patient with yourself. No one achieves emotional mastery overnight.

The good news is, if you take action every day, you’ll eventually be able to
manage your emotions whenever you experience difficult situations.

EXERCISE #2
M AKE a list of the negative emotions you typically experience the most when
things go wrong. Maybe it’s anger. Perhaps it’s despair. Or maybe you feel
guilty, apathetic, or embarrassed. Whatever the case, write them down.
Now, think carefully about each emotion you’ve identified on your list.
Write a short note next to it that describes how it affects your behavior. For
example, feeling angry might cause you to lash out at others. Feeling
embarrassed may cause you to retreat mentally, which in turn hampers your
ability to take action.
Finally, write a short note next to each negative emotion that describes
how you’ll respond to it in the future. For example, if you feel angry, you
might commit to taking five deep breaths. If you feel embarrassed, you may
pledge to examine the reason and determine whether it’s rational.
Time required: 15 minutes.
 MENTAL TOUGHNESS AND MENTAL
RESILIENCE

A s we noted earlier, the terms “mental toughness” and “resilience” are

often used synonymously. Many people refer to them as if they mean
the same thing. In reality, these two attributes are distinct from one
another. The distinction is subtle, but it’s an important one.
It’s essential that we understand the difference between “mental
toughness” and “resilience” as we labor to restructure our minds and adjust
our instinctive responses to adversity. We’ll place both traits under the
microscope below. We’ll investigate how they differ from one another as
well as how that difference affects our training.
We’ll then widen our scope. We’ll explore how we can use these traits to
adapt to our circumstances. We’ll also discuss how we can change our
perception of failure so we’re not discouraged or paralyzed by it.
Mental Toughness vs. Mental Resilience
Again, the difference is subtle. The two are closely related, and so folks who
unwittingly conflate them can easily be forgiven for doing so. Having said
that, it’s important to recognize why using the terms “mental toughness” and
“resilience” synonymously is wrong. Using them in such a way obfuscates
their difference, and there’s value in understanding that difference.
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from unforeseen complications.
It’s the ability to adapt. For example, suppose you leave your home at a
normal time en route to your workplace. Unfortunately, you run into
expectedly heavy traffic on the freeway. This setback is sure to make you late
for a meeting scheduled that morning.
A resilient person might grit his teeth and curse under his breath, but he’d
ultimately adapt to this circumstance. He might seek a different route to his
workplace, using his phone’s GPS feature. Or he may call his office and
reschedule the meeting. Or he might compose an explanation for his tardiness
that allows him to avoid others’ disapproval.
Mental toughness is a mindset. It not only reflects our ability to bounce
back from unforeseen complications, but also demonstrates a positive outlook
during the experience. It’s not just the ability to handle stressful situations. It
reflects how we handle them.
For example, a mentally tough person caught in unexpectedly heavy
traffic might take the opportunity to listen to an inspiring audiobook. In fact,
she might be pleased with her circumstance because it gives her the
opportunity.
While resilient individuals will grudgingly adapt to unanticipated
setbacks, mentally tough individuals remain open to experiencing such
setbacks. They may wish to avoid them, but they realize setbacks are
inevitable and ultimately perceive them as challenges to overcome rather than
infuriating problems.
It’s important to appreciate this difference in mindset. Mental resilience is
a useful tool for coping with adversity. It gives us the cognitive fortitude to
press onward when we confront difficulties. Mental toughness is what allows
us to perceive difficulties as opportunities. It gives us the confidence and
presence of mind we need to use such opportunities to our advantage.
How Catastrophic Thinking Hampers Our Ability to Adapt
It’s easy to develop the habit of catastrophic thinking. If we fail to prepare
psychologically for the challenges we’re sure to face each day, our minds will
slowly perceive every obstacle to be more consequential than is true. We’ll
begin to see setbacks, regardless of their impact and seriousness, as veritable
crises.
For example, suppose you’re traveling to visit a friend. You catch a flight,
confident that you’ll arrive at your destination at a predetermined time.
During the flight, the captain informs passengers that he must make a detour
due to bad weather. The detour will significantly delay your arrival time at
your destination.
An individual who lacks mental toughness might panic at this unexpected
delay. He may instinctively visualize being unable to contact his friend, who
has committed to picking him up at his destination. He might imagine being
stuck on the tarmac for hours once his flight finally lands. He may evoke
grim images of arriving at his friend’s home hours past his expected arrival
time, which presages an abysmal night’s sleep.
This poor fellow is wallowing in catastrophic thinking.
To become mentally strong, we must guard our minds against this
tendency. We must immediately “push back” when our minds entertain
worst-case scenarios. Otherwise, we risk being seduced by catastrophic
thinking, indulging in unreasonable, imagined outcomes. This frame of mind
is wholly incompatible with our ability to recover from setbacks and adapt
with purposeful, confident action and a positive outlook.
Change How You Perceive Failure
No one looks forward to failure. After all, failure is evidence of our
misconceived expectations or inadequate skills. It’s often evidence of both.
And that makes failure decidedly unpleasant.
Having said that, we can choose how we regard our failures. Most people
are chagrined and shamed by them. They try to hide their failures so others
won’t discover them. They explain their failures in ways designed to prevent
criticism. They might even try to shirk responsibility by pointing their fingers
at other people, redirecting blame away from themselves.
These reactions to failure stem from ego. Because failing to accomplish
something implies that we’re less than we expected, we rush to give an
account for our lack of success. Oftentimes, these accounts are fallacious, a
state of affairs we intuitively rationalize in our haste to camouflage the fact
that we’ve somehow fallen short.
To become mentally tough, we must change how we perceive failure.
Rather than dread it, cover it up, and redirect blame, we should embrace it.
Failure will never feel pleasant. But we can train ourselves to accept it with
the same temperament as we accept success.
Both failure and success are merely outcomes of our decisions and
actions. Rather than perceiving the former as “bad” and the latter as “good,”
we should recognize both as feedback. By doing so, we can more easily
identify how our decisions and actions are linked to our results. This in turn
gives us an opportunity to adjust our expectations and identify deficits in our
skills and decision making so we can produce better results in the future.
Perceiving failure as feedback and responding with purposeful action
gives us more confidence in our abilities. As we become more confident, we
naturally become less apprehensive of unanticipated setbacks. We intuitively
know that we can handle any challenge we encounter, even defeat. This
awareness allows us to advance beyond mere mental resilience to developing
mental toughness and remaining receptive to life’s inevitable difficulties.

EXERCISE #3
L IST FIVE RECENT FAILURES . They can be big or small, consequential or
insignificant in the grand scheme. Include all relevant details.
Next, describe how you responded in each case. Did you wallow in self-
recrimination? Did you berate yourself for an inadequate performance or
misguided decision?
Finally, write down how you could have responded in a positive manner
in each case. For example, suppose you failed to deliver an important report
to your boss on time. A positive response might have been to accept
responsibility for missing the deadline, review your workload, and look for
ways to better manage your time. Do this for each of the five recent failures.
Once you’ve completed this exercise, you’ll notice how a few
fundamental changes in the way you react to failure can increase your
confidence and improve your results down the road. This exercise will reveal
failures to be merely feedback rather than a final verdict on your capacity to
perform.
Time required: 15 minutes.
 MENTAL TOUGHNESS IN THE FACE OF
ADVERSITY

H ardships are a part of life. You’ve undoubtedly experienced times

when everything has gone wrong to the extent that fate seems to bear a
grudge against you. It’s unfair. It’s unpleasant. And it’s almost always
out of the blue. During these difficult times your psychological preparedness,
emotional resilience, impulse control, and grace under pressure are truly put
to the test.
All of us have gone through the gauntlet. All of us can expect to go
through it again. That’s how life works.
The good news is, adversity strengthens us. Our mental resilience is
toughened just as tempering steel with extreme heat toughens its alloys. But
in order to take full advantage of this taxing and frustrating process, we must
greet adversity with confidence, courage, and composure.
This isn’t about willpower. Willpower is a severely limited resource. It
gets used up too quickly to rely upon when times get tough. Instead, this is
about character. Mental toughness requires that we’re consistently honest
with ourselves, clear about our commitments and convictions, and willing to
face difficult situations with a positive mindset.
The Finnish Concept of Sisu
Sisu is a Finnish word. It signifies a particular attitude exemplified by the
Finns during times of difficulty. There’s no direct English equivalent, but sisu
can be roughly described as grim courage in the face of certain failure.
There’s a stirring story about the Finns that perfectly describes this
admirable frame of mind. At the end of 1939, the Soviet army was about to
invade Finland. Negotiations between the Soviet Union and Finland had
failed, and war was imminent.
No one expected the Finns to put up much of a fight. The Soviet army
outnumbered the Finnish army by a ridiculous factor. It boasted three times
the number of soldiers. Moreover, while the Finns had 32 tanks, the Soviet
army controlled several thousand. Making matters worse, while the Finns had
114 aircraft, the Soviet army possessed nearly four thousand.
To say the odds were not in the Finns’ favor is an understatement. In fact,
so lopsided were the odds that Russian leaders, including Nikita Khrushchev,
gloated that a single shot fired would compel the Finns to surrender.
But as history shows, that’s not at all what happened. The Finns dug in.
Armed with outdated weapons and limited resources (ammo, fuel, etc.), they
prepared themselves for a vicious and bloody war with no expectation of
success. Their steadfastness and bravery epitomized the Finnish concept of
sisu. In the face of almost certain failure and death, the Finnish soldiers held
their ground. They refused to surrender.
The “Winter War” progressed differently than the Soviet Union predicted.
During three months of fighting, the Finns suffered 70,000 casualties while
the Soviet army suffered a staggering 400,000. In the end, the Finnish
government was forced to accept terms proposed by the Soviet Union. Their
weapons were threadbare. Their ammo was exhausted. And 70,000 casualties
was an enormous toll on the small country’s army.
But the Finns had demonstrated an astonishing degree of mental
toughness that shocked everyone. Winston Churchill, in a speech broadcast
throughout London in 1940, noted “Only Finland - superb, nay, sublime - in
the jaws of peril - Finland shows what free men can do. The service rendered
by Finland to mankind is magnificent.”
How to Embrace Sisu in the Face of Adversity
While few of us will ever need to demonstrate the level of tenacity, grit, and
courage exhibited by the Finnish soldiers during the Winter War, we can
benefit from their example. We can approach life’s inevitable difficulties
with a similar attitude. We can accept the challenges we encounter, prepare
ourselves to deal with them, and commit to overcoming them. And we can
maintain courage and positivity even when the odds are stacked against us.
Following are a few tactics consistent with the Finnish concept of sisu.
First, refuse to let your circumstances overwhelm you. This is easier said
than done, of course. Some situations - for example, a diagnosis of cancer -
are so dismal and bleak that it’s almost impossible to avoid feeling
overwhelmed in the beginning. But if you can manage to take back control of
your mind when you feel overburdened, you’ll be better able to address the
obstacles standing in your way.
Second, commit to taking action. It’s important to understand your
circumstances before responding to them, of course. That requires reflection
and contemplation. But eventually, you must act. Even though life is
unpredictable and the outcome of your actions and decisions are uncertain,
you must adopt an action mindset. This mindset instills courages, enabling
you to confront challenges without being paralyzed by your limitations.
Third, practice emotional resilience every day. We’re beset with small
setbacks on a daily basis. Individually, none are life-changing. For example,
we might visit a local Starbucks only to discover they’re unable to offer the
drink we crave. Or we might unexpectedly get stuck in a traffic jam on our
way to the airport. Or we might lose our wallet while shopping. Our
reactions, healthy or unhealthy, to these challenges train our minds. If we
practice emotional resilience whenever we experience misfortune, we’ll
reinforce our determination and tenacity.
Fourth, anticipate problems. This not only gives us an opportunity to
prepare for them, but allows us to do so with confidence in our ability to
overcome them. Imagine being a soldier in the Finnish army in 1939. War is
around the corner. The weather is brutal (-40 °C). Your resources are limited.
And you’re absurdly outnumbered. By anticipating these difficulties, along
with their attendant disadvantages, you can take purposeful, confident action
to improve your odds.
Let’s Sum It Up
Adopting a sisu mindset doesn’t mean ignoring your weaknesses. Nor does it
entail showing false bravado when confronting insurmountable odds. Rather,
a sisu mindset calls for recognizing your circumstances, evaluating your
options, and taking determined action toward achieving your desired
outcome. It’s an acceptance that things are not working in your favor, but a
commitment to press forward in spite of that fact.

EXERCISE #4

W RITE down how you normally react to unanticipated problems. Do you

wallow in self-pity (e.g. “why does this always happen to me?”). Does your
inner critic tell you to give up? Do you feel compelled to avoid or ignore the
issues at hand? Do you procrastinate taking action due to uncertainty and fear
of failure? Do you immediately feel frustrated and angry that life is unfair?
Or do you instinctively roll up your sleeves and prepare psychologically
to deal with whatever difficulties you face?
This exercise will reveal your current temperament toward adversity.
Keep in mind, there’s no shame in how you respond today to setbacks and
obstacles. After all, the goal of this action guide is to gradually change your
responses and behaviors when life gets tough. As we’ve discussed, that’s a
long road. The purpose of this exercise is merely to get a fix on your mindset
in the present.
Time required: 10 minutes.
 MENTAL TOUGHNESS AND THE IMPORTANCE
OF DELAYING GRATIFICATION

S tudies show we’re more likely to succeed if we habitually practice self-

control. If we delay gratification by way of habit, we stand a much
better chance of experiencing success.
“Success” is a murky term because it means something different to each
individual. For some, it means earning a large salary. For others, it means
being consistently generous, gracious, and humble. Still others measure their
success by the health of their interpersonal relationships. For the purpose of
this discussion, we’ll define success as the achievement of our goals.
Let’s clarify what it means to delay gratification. It’s the decision to resist
enjoying something we crave in the present for something we crave even
more down the road.
For example, suppose you’re trying to lose five pounds. You walk past a
pizza parlor and are tempted to purchase a slice. You love pizza and can
practically taste it. You now have a decision to make. You can sate your
present craving. Or you can resist the temptation and decide to steer clear of
the pizza in order to meet your goal (losing five pounds).
Notice that it’s a decision. You’re in control. This means exerting self-
restraint is a skill you can learn and hone. As you’ll see below, controlling
your impulses is paramount to developing mental toughness.
How Developing Impulse Control Increases Mental Toughness
Overcoming setbacks and achieving our goals when we face adversity
requires patience. This patience allows us to endure hardships and withstand
the emotional and psychological pressure that accompany misfortune. It
strengthens our resolve. It increases our grit and tenacity. In encourages us to
persist, even when the odds are not in our favor.
When we practice self-restraint, we learn to tolerate discomfort. We train
our minds to put up with present unpleasantness for the purpose of achieving
our greater goals. In doing so, we inculcate our minds with the idea that we
need not satisfy our cravings in the moment. We can resist the impulse to do
so.
This improves are cognitive resilience. When we consistently delay
gratification, we build our tolerance for discomfort. We grow accustomed to
it. This tolerance helps us to persevere rather than surrender to our short-term
desires.
For example, suppose you’re taking online classes while maintaining a
full-time job. After a long, trying day at your workplace, you finally return
home. Unfortunately, you have three assignments that are due the following
day. If you habitually satisfy your present cravings, you may be unable to
resist the temptation to relax on your couch and binge-watch your favorite
show on Netflix. However, if you’ve trained your mind to tolerate discomfort
in the present, you’ll find it easier to resist the temptation and complete the
assignments.
Delaying gratification also improves our ability to ignore distractions.
Think of a recent time when you needed to work on something important. For
example, you might have needed to complete a report for your job. Or
perhaps you needed to complete a long list of household chores. Whatever
the case, there were undoubtedly other activities you would rather have been
doing. The temptation to indulge in them was a distraction. It threatened to
dash your focus. By regularly practicing self-control, you develop the ability
to withstand such temptations and remain resolute in your intentions. This is
a crucial skill to possess when you encounter unexpected obstacles in the
present.
Controlling the impulse to indulge in present pleasure also ingrains within
us an important lesson regarding the relationship between effort and reward.
When we repeatedly indulge in immediate gratification, we train our minds to
associate low effort with high reward. This conditions our expectations. We
become more inclined to surrender to our short-term desires rather than
endure discomfort in order to achieve our longer term goals.
For example, we might habitually choose to eat unhealthy fast food
because it’s easy, convenient, and tasty. Low effort, high reward.
Unfortunately, this habit can severely hamper our intention to lose weight,
improve cardiovascular health, and build muscle mass.
When we repeatedly delay gratification, we form a connection in our
minds between self-restraint, effort, and reward. We begin to intuitively
recognize that we must exert effort, and in the process control our impulses,
to attain what we want. Using our fast food example, we’ll feel compelled to
resist the siren song of pizza, milkshakes, and fat-laden burgers. Instead,
we’ll cook healthier meals at home.
It’s not easy to control our impulses. Most of us have spent a lifetime
catering to them, and suddenly practicing self-restraint can be a frustrating
experience fraught with countless slip ups. But delaying gratification is
important enough to developing mental toughness that it’s worth forming the
habit. Following are five tactics that helped me to minimize the struggle.
5 Quick Tips for Delaying Gratification
Fair warning: a few of these tips may not work for you. They proved
instrumental for me, but everybody’s different. Having said that, I encourage
you to try them and gauge whether they’re helpful to you. If one or two prove
to be useful, I’ll consider that a success for both of us.
Tip #1: Clarify your values.
When you recognize what truly matters to you, it becomes easier to prioritize
things you’d like to accomplish. That simplifies the decision-making process.
It also juxtaposes the importance of your long-term goals with the fleeting
pleasure of your short-term desires.
Tip #2: Understand why you’d like to achieve your goal(s).
It’s important to have a compelling reason prompting you to take action.
Brainstorm that reason for each of your goals.
For example, suppose you wish to lose 10 pounds. Your reason may be to
feel and look healthier. These motives will encourage you to resist the
temptation to eat unhealthy foods in a way that the mere intention to “lose 10
pounds” will not.
Tip #3: Create an action plan.
Using your clarified values and motives, brainstorm a plan that’ll guide you
through the process of delaying immediate gratification.
For example, suppose you have a tendency to spend every dollar you earn
on items for which you have little need (new clothes, new phone, etc.). Create
a plan whereby a specific dollar amount from each check is immediately
placed into your savings account.
Tip #4: Find a productive alternative to a compulsive desire.
Some temptations are more difficult to resist than others. Simple willpower
isn’t enough. In such cases, brainstorm another reward to take its place,
preferably one with productive value.
For example, you might find pizza irresistible. Junk food is addictive
because it triggers the release of dopamine, stimulating the brain’s reward
center. A productive alternative is physical activity. It too releases dopamine
along with endorphins. It may be less fun than eating junk food, but it’s a
healthier option that feels good, and thereby serves as a fine replacement.
Tip #5: Give yourself a reward for resisting temptation.
Your goal isn’t to completely steer clear of pleasurable things. That would be
a dismal way to live. Rather, aspire to develop a habit of delaying
gratification.
The most effective way to develop any good habit is to do so by taking
small steps. Each step you successfully take deserves a small reward. The
reward trains your brain to repeat the rewarded action.
For example, suppose you’re trying to incorporate a daily exercise plan.
Rather than forcing yourself to exercise for 30 minutes on Day #1, exercise
for three minutes. Then, reward yourself with 10 minutes of leisure reading.
Gradually increase the duration of your exercise sessions, and continue
rewarding yourself along the way.

I USED the above tactics to train myself to delay gratification so that I could
pursue my goals without distractions. To that end, they were a significant aid
in strengthening my resolve whenever I confronted setbacks and obstacles.
Try them for yourself. You may find them to be as effective as I found them
to be.

EXERCISE #5

D ESCRIBE (in writing) a recent incident during which you gave in to a

temptation, and in doing so procrastinated or abandoned something you
needed to complete. Then describe how your decision made you feel after
you had satisfied the craving. Did you feel guilty? Did you experience regret?
Did you chastise yourself for surrendering to the temptation?
Next, describe a recent incident during which you resisted a temptation
and persisted to complete an important task. Then describe how that decision
made you feel. Did you feel pleased with your resolve? Did you feel
empowered?
The purpose of this exercise is to highlight how delaying gratification for
the purpose of achieving longer-term goals instinctively feels good to us. It
reinforces the idea that controlling our impulses can yield outcomes upon
which we place greater value.
Time required: 15 minutes.
 MENTAL TOUGHNESS AND YOUR HABITS

O ur habits sustain us during difficult, challenging times. When life

deviates from our plans and we encounter unexpected setbacks, our
habits and routines help us to stay on track. They influence our
behavior, spurring us forward, practically on autopilot, when we’re beset with
difficulties and under pressure. When we adopt good habits, our actions and
decisions become more consistent. We become less susceptible to our
impulses.
The longer our habits have been in place, the more deeply ingrained they
are and the more confidence we can have in them. The challenge is in
forming them and making them stick.
This section will first discuss how your habits, both good and bad, affect
your mental toughness. Then, you’ll learn how to develop good habits that
last. This system is simple and easy. Most importantly, it works. Lastly, we’ll
explore five daily habits that are pivotal to developing and maintaining
mental toughness.
Your Habits Are the Key to Your Mental Toughness
When we think of habits, we typically associate them with action. That is, our
habits are things we do. But the truth is, they represent much more than that.
Our habits signify what is important to us. They reflect our values and
priorities. If we adopt a good diet and regularly exercise, it means our health
is important to us. If we meditate each morning, it means we value starting
the day with a peaceful, stress-free state of mind. On the other hand, suppose
we constantly eat junk food, refuse to exercise, and regularly argue with
people online about politics. These habits also suggest our values and
priorities.
Perseverance is as much a habit as brushing your teeth before going to
bed. It’s a behavioral response we train ourselves to carry out in certain
circumstances. Like any habit, it has cues that trigger us to take action. The
good news is, we can create these cues to help us develop this habit.
This process, developing habits that make our behaviors more consistent,
is a vital part in developing mental toughness. It eliminates our need to rely
on willpower, motivation, and inspiration, all of which are fickle and fleeting.
Instead, we can rely on the routines and systems we design to prompt our
behavioral responses to stress and pressure.
With that in mind, let’s discuss a simple method for adopting habits
that’ll strengthen your psychological and emotional resilience.
A Fast-Track Guide to Developing Any Habit (And Making It Stick!)
Leo Babauta, founder of ZenHabits.net, once said with regard to adopting a
new habit, “make it so easy you can’t say no.” There’s a lot of wisdom in that
simple statement. In fact, it expresses one of the most important principles to
developing a new habit: start small.
For example, suppose you’d like to start exercising on a daily basis. You
might be enthusiastic and tempted to start your new habit with a 45-minute
workout on Day 1. Don’t do that. Instead, take baby steps. Start with a 5-
minute workout.
This first step is likewise important when developing habits that
strengthen your tenacity and resolve. For example, imagine that you feel
overwhelmed at your job. You’re exhausted and finding it difficult to focus.
But you want to develop a habit of perseverance. Rather than rolling up your
sleeves and working for hours nonstop, commit to focusing for a 5-minute
time chunk. Make it so easy you can’t say no.
The next step is to make slow, incremental progress. There’s no need to
grow your new habit by leaps and bounds. This isn’t a race. In fact, striving
to progress quickly is likely to do more harm than good. For many people,
doing so is a recipe for failure.
Take small steps forward. Returning to our previous example, don’t try to
advance from the initial 5-minute time chunk to working in 45-minute time
chunks. Instead, take a small break (perhaps 60 seconds) after the first 5-
minute time chunk. Then do another. And another. After you’ve done that
successfully a few times, break up your work into 10-minute time chunks.
Take 2-minute breaks between them. Once you’ve proven your ability to
focus for 10 minutes at a time, work in 15-minute time chunks separated by
3-minute breaks.
If you follow this process, you’ll eventually build your habit to the point
that you should break it down into reasonable portions. For example, let’s say
you’ve improved your focus so that you’re able to work without distraction
for hours on end. That’s quite a feat! But it doesn’t mean you should work for
hours on end. In this case, it would be more beneficial to work in relatively
short time chunks. For instance, work for 45 minutes, and then take a 10-
minute break. Repeat this process four times, and then take a 30-minute
break. Working in this manner will help you to maintain your momentum.
Additionally, your focus will suffer less erosion because you’re giving your
brain a chance to recharge at regular intervals.
The final step in developing a new habit is to design cues that trigger your
desired response. It’s easy to do. The key is to be consistent.
For example, suppose you’re training yourself to continue working after
taking short breaks. The problem is, you’d rather abandon your work and
watch your favorite show on Netflix. Try this: pick a short, inspiring song.
End each break by listening to it. Immediately after the song finishes playing,
begin a new work session. This will cause your brain to create an association
between the song and your next action (in this case, getting back to work).
The next time you hear the song, you’ll feel compelled to get back to work.
You control these cues. You get to design them. That means you run the
show whenever you decide to adopt a new habit.
This simple habit development system doesn’t preclude slip-ups. In fact,
you almost certainly will slip up now and then. Don’t worry about it. It’s a
natural part of the process. Forgive yourself and move forward.
Now that you have a reliable method for adopting new habits, let’s
explore five that’ll increase your mental toughness.
5 Daily Habits That Will Improve Your Mental Strength
Success in any difficult endeavor requires a number of traits, all of which are
linked to mental toughness. We’ve discussed most of them already. They
include grit, tenacity, resolve, and a positive state of mind. They also include
discipline, persistence, and the willingness to delay gratification.
The following habits align perfectly with these traits. They reinforce
them, and in a few cases are instrumental toward building them in the first
place. Develop these five habits and you’ll find it easier to courageously face
any challenges that come your way.
Habit #1: View your past as training for overcoming future adversity.
We tend to let our past define us. We allow earlier events, along with our
responses to them, to decide who we are. Our values and convictions are
often entwined with what has happened before in our lives.
Sever this connection. Condition your mind to view your past as nothing
more than training for the future. Things happened. You responded. Perhaps
you made mistakes. Now, it’s time to learn from them. Your past is merely
instruction that provides you with insight into how best to respond down the
road.
Habit #2: Evaluate negative emotions immediately when they arise.
As we discussed previously, negative emotions are not, in and of themselves,
unhealthy. On the contrary, research shows they contribute to mental health
and psychological well-being. So it pays to acknowledge them.
Having said that, negative emotions can easily hijack your ability to make
rational decisions and take purposeful action. They can quickly overwhelm
you. So it also pays to assess whether the anger, shame, sadness, panic, and
guilt you experience are overblown.
You don’t want to suppress negative emotions. But it’s important to
develop the habit of investigating them the moment they surface.
Habit #3: Build your self-confidence.
Self-confidence is essential to developing mental toughness. After all, it’s
only possible to press onward during adversity and overcome the fear of
uncertainty when you trust in your abilities.
Business magnate Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can, or
think you can’t, you’re right.” Ford didn’t dismiss the role of talent and skill,
but instead highlighted the equally important role of confidence. He
recognized that our self-assuredness is critical to our success and its absence
can easily result in failure.
Habit #4: Practice gratitude.
It’s tempting to whine and complain when things go wrong. But it’s crucial
that we acknowledge two cardinal truths. First, whining and complaining
about unfavorable conditions does nothing to resolve them. Second, it can too
easily introduce a host of negative emotions that result in further despair and
disappointment.
Maintaining a positive mindset is pivotal to facing adversity with
courage. Each morning, reflect on things that have gone right for you. Each
afternoon, think about everything you have for which to be thankful. Each
evening, before you go to bed, contemplate the small victories you enjoyed
throughout the day. Practice gratitude daily.
Habit #5: Build a tolerance for change.
Mental toughness requires that you be flexible to your circumstances. When
things go wrong, you must be able to adapt in order to act with purpose.
Most of us dread change. We enjoy predictability because it reduces
uncertainty. Fear of uncertainty is one of the chief impediments to taking
purposeful action.
Building this habit entails leaving your comfort zone. It calls for actively
seeking changes that you can incorporate into your life. The upside is that
doing so will desensitize you to changing circumstances, increasing your
tolerance for them. As your tolerance increases, your fear will naturally
erode.

T HE GREAT THING about habit development is that you can advance at your
own pace. Again, it’s best to start with small steps and progress slowly. But
each of us is different with regard to what “small” and “slowly” mean.
Design a plan that aligns with your existing routines and caters to your
available time, attention, and energy.

EXERCISE #6

W RITE down three habits you’d like to develop. Next to each one, write down
three things you can do starting today to develop the habit.
For example, suppose you want to boost your self-confidence. First, you
might commit to saying hello to five strangers each day. Second, you may
decide to immediately evaluate negative self-talk whenever your inner critic
becomes bold. Third, you might commit to saying no to others, focusing
instead on your own projects and responsibilities.
Time required: 15 minutes.
 TALENT, ABILITY, AND CONFIDENCE: HOW
THEY INFLUENCE MENTAL TOUGHNESS

I f the previous section, we briefly mentioned self-confidence as an

essential part of developing mental toughness. But the context was
limited to habit development. Here, we’ll explore self-confidence in
greater detail. It has a large enough influence on mental strength, resolve, and
psychological resilience under pressure that it warrants a fuller investigation.
We’ll start by examining the sources of confidence. Where does it come
from? What causes it to grow? What causes it to erode? The answers may
surprise you.
Then, we’ll discuss why it’s important to periodically evaluate our
confidence levels. It’s sometimes necessary to realign them so they
accurately reflect our abilities and knowledge.
Finally, we’ll cover five building blocks of self-confidence. This isn’t an
exhaustive list by any means. But if you incorporate these five elements into
your day, your confidence will grow by leaps and bounds. This in turn will
help you to respond to uncertain and unfavorable conditions with a strong,
levelheaded belief in your ability to overcome them.
Confidence Springs from Ability
Confidence is an expectation that we can prevail over difficult,
uncomfortable situations. This self-trust stems, in part, from our abilities,
which are comprised of our knowledge base, talents, and areas of proficiency.
We’re confident when we feel prepared for our circumstances.
For example, suppose you’re cooking dinner for a friend. If you’ve spent
years honing your abilities as a chef, you’ll feel calm and composed as you
prepare the meal. If it’s your first time in the kitchen, you might feel a bit of
panic.
Confidence also stems from our ability to adapt. Talent and expertise
aren’t enough. We must be able to pivot when necessary.
Suppose that while preparing a meal for your friend, you discover that
you’re missing an important ingredient. If you’re an experienced chef, you’d
adapt to this unexpected predicament by using a suitable substitute. This
ability to pivot is a source of confidence. It reinforces your belief in yourself
to rectify unforeseen problems and resolve unexpected predicaments.
Realigning Your Confidence Levels with Your Abilities
Sometimes, our confidence levels move out of alignment with our abilities,
knowledge, and readiness to adapt to changing conditions. When this
happens, it’s important that we evaluate ourselves and realign our confidence
levels with reality.
If we’re overconfident, we might be inclined to take excessive risks,
dismiss others’ opinions, and ignore our weaknesses. When we confront
setbacks and challenges with this frame of mind, we risk being unprepared
regardless of our courage.
If we’re under-confident, we may avoid taking risks, allow others’
opinions to control us, and perceive our weaknesses as a harbinger of certain
defeat. With this frame of mind, we’ll be hesitant to respond to setbacks and
challenges altogether.
It’s difficult to be mentally strong when our confidence levels are
unrealistic. Both arrogance and unjustified self-doubt are the enemies of
cognitive resilience and resolve. Arrogance might sustain us in the short term,
but will lead us off course over the long run. Unjustified self-doubt may
prevent us from responding to adversity altogether, fearful of certain defeat.
Given the potential pitfalls of harboring unrealistic confidence levels, it’s
important to perform a periodic self-assessment. Ask yourself:

“Are my confidence levels reasonable given my circumstances?”

“How do I respond to criticism?”
“Am I immediately inclined to back down when challenged?”
“Am I eager or reluctant to share my thoughts with others?”
“When I encounter setbacks, do I instinctively feel fearful and
nervous? Or do I feel self-assured? Why?”

This self-appraisal will help you to quickly identify whether your

confidence levels need to be realigned. It may also reveal areas in your life
that need attention - for example, whether you react to others’ criticism in a
healthy, sensible manner.
5 Core Building Blocks of Self-Confidence
Improving self-confidence warrants its own book. But there are several
elements we can focus on today that’ll boost our confidence levels with
minimal effort. Most of them involve our mindset. If we embrace them and
incorporate them into our day, they’ll have a considerable positive impact on
our self-trust.
#1 - Willingness to leave your comfort zone.
By leaving our comfort zone, we expose ourselves to unfamiliar situations.
Doing so reveals that such situations rarely warrant fear. On the contrary,
they offer opportunities to grow, both personally and professionally. They
give us a chance to surrender our need to control our circumstances and learn
to adapt to new ones.
#2 - Openness to experiencing emotional discomfort.
Self-confidence requires an awareness of our emotions. But it also requires
that we build a tolerance to them. The only way to do so is to expose
ourselves to the discomfort that accompanies negative emotions.
Many of us tend to suppress emotional pain. But we should remain open
to experiencing it as doing so helps us to build resistance to it. This resistance
will allow us to remain attuned to negative emotions without being paralyzed
by them.
#3 - Habit of self-assessment.
There’s considerable value in performing self-evaluations on a regular basis.
Earlier, we talked about doing them for the purpose of realigning our
confidence levels with reality. Here, we’re broadening the scope.
It’s important to sit down periodically and reflect on how you’ve grown.
Consider new skills you’ve learned. Think about peculiar situations in which
you found yourself and how you handled them. Take stock of acquaintances
you’ve recently met, recent conversations you’ve had with strangers, and
tasks you performed that were once unfamiliar to you.
We’re constantly growing in one way or another. This is especially the
case when we leave our comfort zone (see #1 above). The problem is, we
often fail to recognize this growth because it happens so gradually.
#4 - Embrace positivity.
Maintaining a positive attitude entails suppressing negative self-talk. It
involves highlighting our strengths and celebrating our successes while
perceiving our weaknesses and blunders as opportunities to learn and grow.
Sadly, many of us learn to be pessimistic about ourselves thanks to the
setbacks and disappointments we experience throughout our lives. This
attitude not only hampers our confidence, but also prevents us from growing.
The good news is, we can recondition our minds to embrace optimism and
positive thinking. In doing so, we can train ourselves to instinctively
recognize our ability to overcome adversity.
#5 - Abandon your desire for external validation.
Seeking approval from others hurts your self-confidence. It trains your mind
to distrust your motivations and abilities. Instead, your mind learns to refrain
from taking action until it receives permission to do so from someone else.
Over time, you become wary and begin to harbor misgivings about your
ability to perform.
Recognize that you possess unique value. Your knowledge, skills, talents,
and adaptability eliminate the need for external validation. As long as your
confidence levels are aligned with reality, you can be self-assured and self-
assertive when you face uncertainty.

S ELF - CONFIDENCE IS one of the keystones to mental toughness. It’s difficult to

develop the latter without first possessing the former. Fortunately, changing
how you see yourself is relatively simple because it’s based on recognizing
your existing value. Adjusting your self-perception is steeped in actuality
rather than the unkind phantoms that result from your inner critic’s
condemnation.

EXERCISE #7

C REATE a short list of things that regularly hurt your confidence. This might
include negative self-talk, a messy workspace, sloppy physical appearance, or
an absence of personal boundaries. Everyone is different, and therefore your
list will be unique to you.
Next, write down actions you can take to reduce the effect of each item
on your self-confidence. Be specific. For example, if you struggle with
negative self-talk, you might commit to confronting your inner critic
whenever it speaks. If it claims “You’re going to fail,” you might respond
with “You’re wrong and here’s why.”
Finally, address one item a time. Take the actions you listed to lessen the
item’s impact on your confidence levels. Repetition and consistency are your
allies in this exercise.
Time required: 20 minutes.
 HOW YOUR ATTITUDE AFFECTS YOUR MENTAL
TOUGHNESS

O ur attitude heavily influences our behaviors. It sets the tone for how we
approach difficult situations and respond to them. It largely dictates
our psychological resilience when we encounter adversity, and
determines the actions we take to overcome - or surrender to - it.
If we have a positive attitude, we’re likely to evaluate situations with
optimism and confidence. If we have a negative attitude, we’re likely to
evaluate them with cynicism and fear. Our behavioral responses to setbacks,
challenges, and obstacles will spring from these feelings.
This section will do a deep dive into our frame of mind and investigate its
impact on our mental toughness. We’ll begin by exploring how we perceive
ourselves and our circumstances. This piece of the puzzle is more important
than might be obvious at first blush.
Overcoming Your Circumstances vs. Expecting Them to Change
When someone tells us to “stay positive,” we immediately think of the
stereotypical positive thinker who goes through life expecting everything to
turn out fine. This individual seems to be oblivious to their circumstances. He
ignores life’s difficulties, confident they’ll simply disappear of their own
accord. He experiences no emotional distress because he expects life’s
misfortunes to sort themselves out.
In short, the stereotypical positive thinker presumes his circumstances
will change to suit him. If life were a journey, he sees himself as a mere
passenger with little to no influence on the events happening around him.
But this image is mistaken.
Maintaining a positive attitude isn’t about harboring baseless optimism.
It’s not about having faith that things will simply work themselves out. It’s
about recognizing that we can positively influence our circumstances,
prevailing over misfortune and hardship by virtue of our talents, abilities, and
capacity to adapt.
This positive outlook, which importantly stems from self-confidence, is a
requisite partner to our mental toughness. It dictates how we feel when we
encounter complications. It governs how we respond to them. This mindset
spurs us to assert ourselves, taking purposeful action rather than remaining
passive and hoping for the best.
The Importance of Commitment
When we commit to something, we assign value to it. The outcome we seek
becomes, in our estimation, worthy of the time and effort required to pursue
it. Our actions and decisions become focused on making it a reality. Our
commitment not only encourages us to exert effort toward achieving our
desired outcome, but also coaxes us to persist when things fail to go our way.
For example, suppose you start a side business. You commit to making it
a success. This commitment encourages you to spend time on it during the
evenings and weekends. But it does more than that.
If you’ve ever run a business, even a small one from a corner of your
bedroom, you know a myriad of things can go wrong. And sometimes, they
do so suddenly and without warning. Lacking commitment, you might be
tempted to throw your hands in the air and say “I give up!” Instead, your
pledge to make your business a success prompts you to roll up your sleeves
and work to overcome whatever roadblocks you’ve encountered.
Committing to a task, project, or specific outcome gives us the resilience
to stay positive and resolute when we face obstacles. Our commitment helps
us to endure when giving up would be easier. It allows us to persist, working
toward our goals rather than surrendering them for short-term gratification.
The Willingness to Pursue Continuous Growth
As noted above, a positive attitude gives us confidence that we can overcome
adversity. This frame of mind is reinforced whenever we learn new skills (or
improve existing ones), absorb new information, or encounter new situations.
Our competence and proficiency increases, and with it our self-assuredness.
For this reason, it’s vital that we pursue growth in all matters related to
our commitments. In fact, pursuing growth in matters that extend beyond our
commitments is beneficial. Doing so exposes us to unfamiliar situations,
which gives us an opportunity to expand our skill set and knowledge base.
People who are mentally tough have a growth mindset. They believe their
abilities are not set in stone. Rather, they trust they can learn new abilities,
often by persevering when life becomes difficult. These individuals are rarely
inclined to give up. They perceive their shortcomings as areas that warrant
improvement, and setbacks as opportunities to learn from their mistakes.
A growth mindset is integral to cognitive resilience. It’s an essential
component of a positive attitude. The underlying belief that we can
constantly improve ourselves and thereby achieve things that were impossible
for us in the past is essential to becoming mentally strong. It reinforces our
self-confidence, which amplifies our willingness to stay the course when we
encounter adversity.
There’s one last element that directly impacts our attitude, and with it our
capacity for resilience: gratitude.
The Art of Being Grateful
Many people wallow in self-pity. They grumble about how life is unfair and
why their circumstances prevent them from accomplishing their goals. These
folks are preoccupied with their own unhappiness. They indulge in
victimhood rather than acknowledging their talents and abilities. This frame
of mind leads to perpetual frustration and can even open the door to
depression.
Unsurprisingly, people who habitually feel sorry for themselves often
give up when they’re confronted by challenges.
It’s important to recognize that self-pity is a choice. It’s an attitude we
adopt rather than one that overtakes us. Once we adopt this negative attitude,
it can quickly gain a foothold in our minds, prompting us to instinctively
blame our failures on our circumstances.
This frame of mind is contrary to developing mental toughness.
When we express gratitude, we underscore the fact that we possess
resources, both internal and external, that’ll help us to endure failure,
misfortune, and hardships. We give voice to our appreciation for our talents
and abilities. In doing so, we elevate our self-confidence while remaining
open to experiencing further growth.
The next time you begin to feel a twinge of self-pity, do the following:

Question the reality of your emotional state. Is the self-pity

reasonable or are you overlooking your potential?
Resist the urge to complain to others. Complaining merely
reinforces the unhealthy tendency to seek validation.
Reflect on the good things in your life.
Tell a friend or family member that you love and appreciate them.
You’ll make that person’s day and you’ll feel good, too. It’s a
win-win!

These simple activities will quickly dispel self-pity. That’ll relieve the
psychological and emotional pressure caused by your circumstances, and
allow you to take purposeful action to prevail over them.
 EXERCISE #8

W RITE down five things you did today that relied upon your current skill set
and knowledge. Examples might include creating a report at your job, taking
an exam at school, or fixing a broken appliance at home. This will reinforce
the reality that you possess productive resources (know-how, expertise,
adaptability, etc.)
Time required: 5 minutes.

EXERCISE #9

W RITE down five things you learned today. Examples might include learning
a new word or phrase, how to cook a new dish, or how to play a new song on
your guitar. This exercise emphasizes the fact that you’re always growing
and improving in some way.
Time required: 5 minutes.

EXERCISE #10

W RITE down five things for which you’re thankful today. This might include
your job, your relationship with your spouse, or the ability to keep your
refrigerator stocked with food. This exercise trains your mind to express
gratitude, the bane of self-pity.
Time required: 5 minutes.
 MENTAL TOUGHNESS AND YOUR INNER CRITIC

Y our inner critic is a shrewd adversary. It knows that it doesn’t have to

yell to get your attention. It doesn’t have to scream to pummel your
psyche, wear down your self-confidence, and encourage you to adopt a
negative attitude. Your inner critic whispers its dubious, condemning claims.
And that’s enough. These whispers can produce such great fear and anxiety
that we become paralyzed and unable to take action.
Each of us has our own inner critic. It sits comfortably in the background,
waiting for an opportunity to criticize our actions, judge our work, and
denounce our decisions. We must learn to silence this internal voice.
Otherwise, we risk being overwhelmed by its persistent assault. The negative
self-talk it produces throughout each day can take a severe emotional and
psychological toll.
Below, we’ll discuss how to recognize negative self-talk. (It’s not always
obvious.) Once you know the signs, you can take steps to stop your inner
critic from bullying you. We’ll cover several tips you can use today toward
that end.
Common Signs Your Inner Critic Is Restless
Your inner critic is like a small child. It gets bored easily. When it gets bored,
it can become disruptive. Unfortunately, its antics are often difficult to spot.
Your inner critic does its most effective work while staying hidden in the
background.
Having said that, there are a few telltale signs that betray its tricks.
First, your inner critic excels in catastrophic thinking. It’ll make
questionable claims, whispering that “you’re going to fail,” “you’re going to
lose your job,” and “they’re going to hate you.” These claims seem
reasonable at first. We’re inclined to believe them, assuming the voice in our
head is trying to protect us.
Second, your inner critic is adept at making you feel guilty. It’ll justify its
claims that you’re incompetent by pointing out things you’ve done or
decisions you’ve made that led to failure in the past.
Third, your inner critic uses extreme generalizations and ridiculous
absolutes. Following are a few examples:

“You’ll NEVER succeed.”

“EVERYONE will think you’re an idiot.”
“You fail at EVERYTHING.”
“You ALWAYS say the wrong things.”
“NOBODY cares what you think.”

Fourth, it draws a hard line in the sand between success and failure. You
either succeed or you fail. There’s no in-between. Worse, your inner critic
sets the criteria for success unreasonably high. For example, if you receive a
“B” on an exam, you’ve failed. If you prepare a meal that’s slightly less than
perfect, you’ve failed. If you give a presentation at work and don’t receive
enthusiastic accolades from every attendee, you’ve failed.
Fifth, your inner critic predicts the future with an air of finality. And the
future it predicts is usually negative. For example, the girl you intend to ask
out on a date will say no, never, or not even if you were the last man on earth.
The marketing plan you intend to show a client will be summarily rejected.
The side business you’d like to start will fail miserably, and you’ll become a
laughing stock amongst your friends in the process.
Your inner critic is almost certainly your most unpleasant, obnoxious, and
disrespectful acquaintance. It’s time to quash the negative self-talk.
5 Things You Can Do Today to Silence Your Inner Critic
Following are simple things you can do that’ll help stifle the negative internal
dialogue that’s wreaking havoc with your confidence, self-worth, and mental
toughness. All of them are easy and take minimal time and effort. I encourage
you to try them today.
#1 - Scrutinize negative thoughts the moment they surface.
In 2005, the National Science Foundation published an article claiming we
have between 12,000 and 50,000 thoughts a day. It went on to claim that 80%
of these thoughts are negative. Whether or not these claims are true (and
some have expressed skepticism), we do experience a lot of negative
thoughts throughout the day. So many, in fact, that we develop a blind spot to
them, allowing them to simmer under the surface.
Whenever your inner critic “speaks,” examine its claim. Don’t simply
ignore it. And certainly don’t accept what it says at face value. Recognize its
claims as destructive to your emotional mastery, psychological readiness, and
mental toughness.
#2 - Ask for evidence.
If your inner critic condemns you as a failure, predicts catastrophe, or tries to
convince you that you’re ill-equipped for a planned task or project, ask for
evidence. It’ll probably trot out things you did unsuccessfully in the past. But
remember, we’re always growing and improving. Failure in the past doesn’t
limit our success in the future. Given this, such evidence is shaky at best and
outright fallacious at worst.
#3 - Come up with a rational response to every overgeneralization your
inner critic makes.
Recall from above the ridiculous absolutes your inner critic trades in:
ALWAYS, NEVER, NOBODY, EVERYONE, etc. Claims based on these
absolutes are almost always gross exaggerations with little merit. One of the
best ways to dismiss them is to counter them with a reasonable response.
For example, suppose you want to improve at public speaking. If your
inner critic is feeling emboldened, it might claim “you’ll NEVER be able to
speak in public.” The claim is ludicrous. You can counter it with “if I practice
enough, I will definitely improve.” This is an irrefutable expectation. And it
immediately discharges your inner critic’s baseless claim to the contrary.
#4 - Stop spending time with negative people.
Each of us knows at least one person who is chronically negative. They’re
pessimistic, cynical, and habitually demoralized. They complain, criticize,
and can put a negative spin on anything. Being around these folks is
emotionally exhausting. Worse, their negativity can be highly contagious.
Spend enough time with them and you’ll find your own positive mindset
leaking away.
Guard your time. Don’t allow negative people to monopolize it. Instead,
spend more time with those who have a persistently positive outlook. These
folks tend to be confident, upbeat, optimistic, and productive. Being around
them will reinforce your emotional and cognitive strength.
#5 - Advise an imaginary friend.
We tend to be kinder to those we care about than to ourselves. For example,
we might say to ourselves after making a simple mistake “Well, that was
stupid, dummy.” But we wouldn’t say that to a friend or loved one. We’d be
more supportive and encouraging. For instance, we might tell him or her “It’s
just a small mistake. We all make them. Don’t let it get you down.” We
might even try to make them feel better by describing a similar - or even
bigger - blunder we recently made.
The next time your inner critic makes a rude, unjustified claim, imagine
that you’re giving advice to a friend. But give it to yourself instead. Be kind
and sympathetic. You’ll find that being so will make it easier to forgive
yourself and move on with resolve.

I N MICRO DOSES , your inner critic can serve a useful purpose. It can highlight
things you’ve done wrong so you have an opportunity to adjust and improve.
The problem is, your inner critic never restrains itself. It inevitably finds fault
in everything, slowly whittling away your emotional strength and mental
toughness. However, here’s the good news: Once you recognize your inner
critic’s machinations (and they’re easy to recognize once you know its
tricks), you can silence it.

EXERCISE #11

W RITE down 10 examples of negative self-talk you’ve experience during the

past week. They can be small or big, mildly annoying or utterly abusive.
For example, has your inner critic told you any of the following?

“You’ll never lose weight.”

 “Nobody likes you.”
“You look awful in that outfit.”
“Your friend Mark ignored your text. He’s angry with you.”
“You’re not as capable as those people.”
“Your boss is going to fire you.”
“Your coworkers don’t respect you.”
“You’re an idiot.”

Once you’ve written down 10 examples from the past week, write down a
reasonable response to each one. For example, next to “you’ll never lose
weight,” you might write “if I eat less junk food and take a 30-minute walk
each day, I’ll slowly lose weight.”
This exercise reveals your inner critic’s claims to be bogus. Moreover, it
trains your mind to instinctively perceive its claims with suspicion.
Time required: 20 minutes.
 THE ROLE OF WILLPOWER AND MOTIVATION

L et’s start with a couple of definitions. Willpower is the ability to delay

gratification with the intent of working toward your goals. For example,
suppose your goal is to lose 15 lbs. Resisting the urge to eat a donut
would be an expression of willpower. It’s a demonstration of self-control.
Motivation is trickier to define. At its simplest, it’s an impulse to effect
change. Such change might come in the form of achieving a goal (e.g.
changing ourselves by losing 15 lbs.). It can also include improving our
circumstances (e.g. completing our to-do lists to relieve stress), raising
awareness about a particular issue (e.g. the treatment of animals), or
advancing a cause that’s important to us (e.g. climate change). It’s an
amalgamation of engagement, behavior, and according to psychologists,
instinct.
As I said, it’s a little trickier to define than willpower. For the purpose of
this book, we’ll limit the context of motivation to involve that which spurs us
to improve our circumstances.
With that said, how important are willpower and motivation to
developing mental toughness? What are their respective roles? We can only
answer these questions once we understand how willpower and motivation
work.
The Practical Mechanics of Willpower
Have you ever noticed that it’s easier to make difficult decisions in the
morning than in the evening? For example, let’s say you get out of bed in the
morning and you’re faced with the choice of going for a jog or watching TV.
It’s relatively easy to make the hard choice and slip on your running shoes.
Now, suppose you’ve arrived home after a long, stressful day at work. You’re
presented with the same choice: jog or watch TV. It’s more difficult to delay
gratification. If you’re like me in that situation, you’ll choose to watch TV.
That’s how willpower works. It’s like fuel in our tank. It gets used up as
the day progresses. By the end of the day, the tank runs dry and our resolve to
make hard choices melts.
Years ago, the peer-reviewed Proceedings of the National Academy of
Sciences (PNAS) published a study that investigated the influence of external
factors on eight judges’ parole decisions. 1 The authors looked at more than
1,000 such decisions and discovered an interesting trend. The further the day
had progressed when a decision was made, the greater the likelihood that a
request for parole was denied. The judges evidently found it more difficult to
make tough decisions, erring on the side of request denial, as the day moved
forward.
The authors found another interesting tidbit of data. The judges were
more likely to grant parole during the brief period that immediately followed
their lunch break.
One explanation for this phenomenon is decision fatigue, a form of
mental fatigue. The more decisions we make, the less willpower (i.e. fuel in
our tank) we have to make subsequent decisions. The absence of willpower
makes it difficult for us to make hard choices, and we instead choose the
easier option.
Keep these mechanics in mind as we turn our attention to motivation.
The Power (And Fleeting Nature) of Motivation
Have you ever been motivated to the point that you felt absolutely compelled
to do something? Maybe the feeling surfaced after you listened to a rousing
speech. Or perhaps you were presented with a unique opportunity to achieve
your dream. Or maybe your motivation to act was prompted by an ultimatum
(for example, your boss may have told you’ll lose your job if you fail to meet
your daily sales quota).
Motivation can be a powerful impetus for taking purposeful action.
Changing our circumstances usually comes at a price. This price might be
imposed on our comfort, our time, or our resources. When we’re highly
motivated to bring about a particular change, we’re willing to pay a higher
price to do so (e.g. work harder, invest more time, or sacrifice more
resources). Conversely, when we’re not motivated, the price we’re willing to
pay plummets.
And this is the problem with motivation. It’s difficult to harness. And if
we’re unable to harness it, we can’t take advantage of it on a consistent basis.
It’s an unreliable resource.
Having said that, there’s a “trick” you can use to train your mind to act
even if you lack both willpower and motivation. It’s a reliable way to prompt
yourself to take action even when you prefer to choose a more immediately-
gratifying option.
And the best part? This “trick” dovetails perfectly with our development
of mental toughness.
How to Take Action without Willpower and Motivation
Let’s not dance around it.
The key to taking action in the absence of willpower and motivation is to
rely on habits. Create routines and rituals that spur you to take action on
autopilot. Once these routines are in place, you’ll no longer be a powerless
victim to decision fatigue. You’ll no longer need to wait to feel motivated to
pursue a change in your circumstances. Your habits will prompt you. And the
more consistent your habits, the easier it’ll be for you to make choices that
align with your goals.
Let’s return to our example of returning home after a tiring, stressful day
at work. You can either go for a jog or watch TV. If you want to stay
physically fit and you normally go for a jog after work, you’ll find it easier to
do so on a consistent basis. The habit is in place. Your mind is accustomed to
the existing routine, and will prompt you to act in accordance with it even if
sitting on your couch and watching TV is more immediately gratifying.
We discussed the importance of habits earlier (in the section Mental
Toughness and Your Habits). We talked about how they sustain us during
times of adversity. This is the reason they’re a crucial component in our
development of mental toughness.
Here, it was important to juxtapose their reliability in contrast to that of
willpower and motivation. In short, you can always rely on habits.
Motivation is a topic that warrants a deep dive. There’s a lot of science
behind it, and it’s incredibly interesting. But that discussion lies far beyond
the scope of this book.

EXERCISE #12

W HENEVER YOU FEEL the impulse to do something you enjoy, meditate for
five minutes before acting on the impulse. Set a timer. Then close your eyes
and focus on your breathing.
This simple exercise trains your mind to exert self-control. It’s an easy
way to grow accustomed to discomfort and delay gratification without
experiencing significant inconvenience.
Time required: 5 minutes.

EXERCISE #13

W RITE down five things that motivate you to take action. Perhaps it’s reading
a self-improvement book. Maybe it’s listening to a certain type of music. Or
you might feel especially motivated when you spend time with like-minded
people.
Next, write down five things that cause your motivation to evaporate.
This might include eating sugary foods, catering to your perfectionist
tendencies, or spending time with pessimistic people.
This exercise will reveal environmental influences on your motivation.
Once you’re aware of them, you can make sensible adjustments that better
serve your longer term goals.
Time required: 10 minutes.

1 Avnaim-Pesso, Liora, Danziger, Thai, & Levav, Jonathan (2010). Extraneous factors in judicial
decisions. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. 6889-6892.
https://www.pnas.org/content/pnas/108/17/6889.full.pdf
 THE ROLE OF SELF-DISCIPLINE

B ack when I worked in Corporate America, I started a side business. I

ran it from my living room. I’d wake up at 4:00 a.m. each morning and
work on the business until I needed to head into the office. Then, upon
returning home in the evening, I’d work on it again. I’d finally go to bed at
midnight, sleep for four hours, and start the cycle over the following
morning.
I did this for years (coffee was my closest friend).
The thing that made this possible (besides coffee) was self-discipline. It
wasn’t willpower. It wasn’t motivation. It was the act of forcing myself to do
that which did not come naturally to me, day after day after day. It was a
matter of controlling my impulses, forgoing immediate gratification, and
tolerating extreme inconvenience.
It wasn’t healthy. Not by a long shot. While I was able to grow my
business, my health, both emotional and physical, suffered as a result.
But I learned an important lesson about discipline by running this self-
imposed gauntlet. First, I discovered that we can force ourselves to endure
just about anything if we’re sufficiently focused on our goal. This
perseverance can help us prevail over procrastination, indecision, fear, and
laziness.
Second, I learned that self-discipline was a prerequisite to mental
toughness. You can’t develop the latter without first developing the former.
In a way, building self-discipline is training for becoming mentally tough. It’s
a form of boot camp.
I’ll share in this section what worked for me in building discipline. If
you’re already hyper-disciplined, feel free to skip to the next section. But if
you have trouble sticking to your commitments, working toward your goals,
and tolerating inconvenience, you’ll find this section helpful.
Let’s start by examining the difference between self-discipline and
willpower.
Self-Discipline vs. Willpower
Many people think self-discipline and willpower are the same thing. But you
already know them to mean different things. As we noted in the previous
section, willpower is a finite resource that quickly wanes. Like the fuel in our
vehicles, the more we use it, the more quickly it dwindles away.
In my Corporate America days, back when I was building my side
business, friends and family members used to remark “you have a lot of
willpower.” But that wasn’t truly the case. Willpower could never have
sustained me through my years of self-inflicted punishment (sleep
deprivation and delayed gratification).
Certainly, willpower is useful. The temporary burst of energy spurs us to
take purposeful action that’s contrary to our immediate desires. But doing so
over and over in a structured manner? That requires self-discipline.
Willpower will help you to get out of bed at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow morning
when you’d rather stay under the warm covers. Self-discipline will help you
to do so every morning.
Willpower will give you the self-control you need to resist eating junk
food this afternoon. Self-discipline will give you the self-control you need to
abstain from junk food for the foreseeable future.
Willpower is like that friend who’s occasionally there for you but mostly
not. He (or she) cannot be relied upon. Self-discipline is like that friend
who’s always there for you, regardless of the circumstances. Once you
develop that “friendship,” you can rely on it with complete and utter
confidence.
So, let’s talk about how to develop it.
5 “Secrets” to Mastering Self-Discipline
There are no secrets to developing discipline. It requires time and effort, just
like building any habit. And like building any other habit, you can expect
failure and frustration to be a part of the process.
Knowing this ahead of time is helpful. If you stumble - assuming you’re
not a robot, you will stumble on occasion - it’ll lessen the disappointment.
And that’ll make it easier to forgive yourself and get back in the saddle.
The following five “secrets” (I say this with my tongue firmly planted in
my cheek) proved invaluable for me while I was striving to build self-
discipline. I’m willing to bet they’ll prove useful to you, as well.
“Secret” #1: Create a temptation-free environment.
You’ll find it easier to resist temptations when you remove them from your
environment. For example, suppose you have difficulty resisting junk food.
The solution is to get rid of all the junk currently in your home, office,
cubicle, and desk. Access stimulates our impulses. Lack of access helps us to
control them.
“Secret” #2: Take small steps forward.
Again, this is just like building any other habit. Don’t aspire to become
hyper-disciplined overnight. Instead, plan to take small, purposeful,
consistent actions over the course of weeks (and perhaps months). And then,
celebrate the modest victories along the way.
Taking small steps and acknowledging small successes makes forward
progress easier and more rewarding. It also trains your mind to recognize that
you’re in the driver’s seat. You’re in control.
“Secret” #3: Create an action plan.
Don’t leave this to happenstance. Come up with a feasible strategy that
prompts you to take focused action on a consistent basis.
For example, let’s say you want to start journaling each morning. Don’t
assume you’ll do so just because it’s your intention. Plan ahead by putting
“journaling” on your calendar. Block off a 15-minute time chunk each
morning (e.g. from 6:30 a.m to 6:45 a.m.) and consider it to be a can’t-miss
appointment with yourself.
“Secret” #4: Grow accustomed to short-term unpleasantness.
Short-term discomfort is an unavoidable part of developing self-discipline.
It’s important to learn to tolerate malaise, delaying gratification in service to
our goals. The alternative is to immediately cater to our impulses. For
instance, if we crave junk food, we’d simply eat it. If we get sick of our job,
we’d quit. If we get annoyed at a friend, we’d stop being friends with that
individual. That’s the opposite of discipline.
When you feel frustrated, annoyed, or otherwise troubled, embrace these
feelings. Don’t avoid them. Acknowledge them without giving in to them.
The more you do so, the more you’ll strengthen your impulse control.
“Secret” #5: Commit to doing nothing but the task in front of you.
Novelist Raymond Chandler once explained his writing discipline to his
friend Alex Harris. Chandler wrote in a letter, “Either write or nothing…. I
find it works. Two very simple rules, a: you don’t have to write. b: you can’t
do anything else.”
This perspective was a remarkable help for me when I was working in
Corporate America and building a business on the side. Bleary-eyed and
waiting for the coffee to kick in, I would tell myself, “You don’t have to build
this website right now. You choose not to do so. But you have to sit here and
do nothing else.” I invariably got to work.

S ELF - DISCIPLINE COMES IN MANY FORMS . But it ultimately boils down to

resisting our impulses and carrying out our plans regardless of the attendant
inconvenience. We can learn to do this, and in so doing pave the way to
bolster our mental toughness.

EXERCISE #14

W RITE down 15 things that require discipline to resist or discipline to carry

out. These should be things you encounter on a regular basis. Following are a
few examples to get you started:

washing dishes that are sitting in the sink

forgoing watching TV after a long day
making the bed after you get up in the morning
going for an early morning run
abstaining from gossip at the office
meditating in the morning
 ignoring your phone while working

Over the next week, commit to practicing self-discipline by doing the

things you’d rather avoid, and avoiding the things (at least, temporarily)
you’d prefer to do. This exercise will train you to endure short bouts of
discomfort.
Time required: 10 minutes.
 HOW TO REJECT THE DESIRE TO GIVE UP

L et’s do a quick review. We’ve talked about willpower and motivation.

You learned how they work and why they’re unreliable. We also talked
about self-discipline. You learned that it’s an important stepping stone
to mastering mental toughness (along with a few tactics that’ll help you to
develop it).
In this section, we’ll take these concepts to their logical conclusion.
The core aspect of mental toughness is the ability to deal with life’s
setbacks and challenges when we encounter them. It’s about refusing to give
up. It’s about sticking to our plans and managing our emotions when things
go awry.
Mental toughness and our refusal to surrender to defeat and despair is
crucial when we experience extreme adversity and hardships. For example,
it’s helpful when we lose our jobs, go through divorce, or see loved ones pass
away. But it’s just as helpful when we’re forced to weather life’s smaller
predicaments. In fact, it’s these less momentous situations that give us an
opportunity to apply - and benefit from - mental toughness on a daily basis.
For example, suppose you’re trying to stick to a healthy diet. One day,
something triggers your cravings for junk food and you spend the entire
afternoon binge-eating donuts, ice cream, and chocolate. You’ll no doubt feel
disappointed in yourself. Your inner critic will tell you to abandon your diet,
trying to convince you that you lack the resolve to stick to it. If you’re
mentally tough, you’ll refuse to quit. You’ll consider the day a temporary
setback, and resume your diet the following day.
We experience these smaller predicaments every day. We encounter them
at our jobs, in our homes, while we’re running errands, and when we’re
spending time with friends and loved ones. This is where mental toughness
pays massive dividends. In our daily lives, when we inevitably encounter
life’s small, yet distressing, difficulties.
Let’s now take a closer look at why we give up.
5 Most Common Reasons We Give Up
We don’t like to think of ourselves as quitters. But most of us have, at some
point in our lives, abandoned goals due to the obstacles we faced at the time.
We gave up. We weren’t willing to persevere.
The important question is why? Once we uncover the reasons, we can
deal with them in a productive manner. We can adjust our mindset, develop
healthier habits and routines, and thereby short-circuit the processes that
prompt us to surrender when life becomes difficult.
Following are five reasons most people give up when they encounter
setbacks.
#1 - We don’t “own” our commitments.
Have you ever set a goal that was unimportant to you? You probably didn’t
take it seriously.
I’ve done this more times than I can remember. And inevitably, I
abandoned those goals at the first sign of difficulty. That’s what happens
when we don’t feel a true sense of ownership for the things we set out to
accomplish.
This isn’t to suggest you fully commit to every goal you set. On the
contrary, goals should be abandoned when they no longer align with your
longer term aspirations. But if you want to persevere when life gets tough,
you must own the outcome you desire. You must feel accountable for it.
#2 - We train ourselves to surrender to temptation.
In the same way we develop good habits, we also develop bad habits. One of
these bad habits is to give in to our impulses. The more we do it, the stronger
the habit becomes and the quicker we’re willing to give up when faced with
adversity.
For example, if you’ve ever tried to maintain a healthy diet (and who
among us hasn’t?), you’ve experienced the temptation of junk food. Perhaps
you even rationalized giving in to it (e.g. “Just one little bite won’t hurt
me.”). The problem is, the mind has a sneaky way of convincing us to make
such small concessions over and over. As we do so, we train ourselves to
respond to our impulses.
Conversely, if we manage to resist our impulses over and over, we train
our minds to tolerate short-term discomfort. And that reduces our tendency to
give up at the first hint of temptation.
#3 - We’re easily distracted.
Our minds always search for the easier path. That’s rational. Why should we
put in more effort than necessary to achieve our desired outcome? Why
should we endure more stress than necessary toward that end? In short, why
should we put ourselves through distress and discomfort if there’s no need to
do so?
Again, this mindset is entirely rational. So when we encounter obstacles,
our minds immediately look for paths that offer less resistance. The problem
is, there are countless distractions that offer such paths. Examples include
social media, Netflix, our phones, and our various hobbies. We can even be
distracted by easier goals.
When we’re distracted, we’re more likely to abandon tasks and projects
when we encounter difficulties. We look for easier activities that pose less
trouble and fewer complications.
Fortunately, we can train ourselves to ignore distractions. It takes time,
just like developing any good habit.
#4 - We’re unclear about the reward.
Everything we do, we do with purpose. We work toward achieving a
particular outcome because that outcome carries a reward that is important to
us.
For example, we study hard to get good grades in college because
graduating with honors improves our job prospects. We resist the urge to eat
junk food because eating healthy allows us to lose weight and feel more
energetic. We invest our time, effort, and emotions into select relationships
because we want these relationships to be rewarding over our lifetimes.
When we’re clear about the rewards we’ll enjoy for our efforts, we’re
more inclined to endure the hardships we face along the way. When these
rewards are unclear to us, we’re more inclined to give up. We rightfully ask
ourselves “What’s the point of enduring this misery?”
This is the reason we should be clear about the payoff we stand to enjoy
for anything we do. Awareness of this payoff will help us to resist the urge to
give up when complications surface.
#5 - We entertain excessively optimistic expectations.
It’s good to be optimistic. In fact, as we discussed in the section Top 7 Traits
of Mentally Tough People, optimism is critical to developing mental
toughness. But it must be practical and cautious.
When we’re overoptimistic, we fail to anticipate potential obstacles and
challenges. We develop a blind spot for them. Consequently, we’re
unprepared to respond to such impediments in a productive, purposeful
manner. This inevitably leads to discouragement and frustration, which
makes us more likely to give up.
Of course, there’s no way to reliably predict everything that might go
wrong during the course of a particular endeavor. But we can guard our
minds against overoptimism by starting with the expectation that things can -
and often do - go wrong. That alone will help us to resist the impulse to give
up if (or when) things do so.
Ask Yourself These 5 Questions When You Feel like Quitting
Whenever you’re tempted to give up, it’s helpful to ask yourself a series of
probing questions. These questions, which you’ll find below, will clarify
whether the urge to give up stems from an emotional impulse or a reasoned
decision.
As noted above, giving up can be a sensible option, particularly when a
goal is no longer important to us. But if an outcome is important to us, we
should investigate whether the desire to give up makes sense. And that entails
asking several pointed questions to get to the heart of the matter.
#1 - Why do you want to quit?
Does the endeavor require too much effort? Too much time? Does it involve
too much stress? If you know why you want to quit, you can make a reasoned
decision regarding whether doing so is pragmatic.
#2 - Does the reward adequately compensate you for the discomfort?
If you’re putting yourself through the proverbial wringer, the reward must be
worthwhile. If it’s not, why endure the anguish and grief? If the reward is
worthwhile, asking yourself this question provides a helpful reminder.
#3 - What is your purpose?
It’s easy to forget why something is important to us. We get lost in the
process of achieving our desired outcome and start to neglect the reason we
wanted to achieve it in the first place.
Asking yourself this question gives you an opportunity to revisit your
purpose. If it’s still important, you can resolve to press on. Otherwise, you
can reasonably and confidently without regret decide to abandon the
endeavor.
#4 - Are you tempted to give up due to weak resolve or because your
outlook has changed?
When I first learned how to build a website, I was excited to learn everything
I could about the underlying code. But along the way, my outlook changed.
My interest in building a website waned while my interest in having a
website that people enjoyed visiting became a much higher priority.
So I abandoned that original endeavor and hired someone to build my
website. I gave up on my goal of learning the code. But my reason for doing
so was sound.
If you’re tempted to give up, ask yourself this crucial question. If your
vision has changed, giving up may be the right option. However, if the
impulse stems from weak resolve, revealing it as so can spur you to renew
your commitment.
#5 - Will you regret the decision to give up?
Asking this question entails predicting how Future You will feel as a result of
the decisions you make today.
For example, suppose you’re trying to stick to a healthy diet. If you
decide to abandon this endeavor, how will you feel about the decision one
year from today? Will Future You have zero regrets? Or will Future You kick
yourself for making that decision?
If the latter is likely to be the case, this is the time to renew your
commitment rather than surrender to the impulse to give up.

A GAIN , there’s nothing wrong with abandoning a task, project, or goal if it no

longer dovetails with your longer term outlook. But if you’re tempted to give
up due to lack of resolve, it’s important to investigate the impulse and ask
yourself probing questions to determine if you should reject it.

EXERCISE #15

T HINK of someone who overcame tough odds and significant adversity by

virtue of their will, resolve, and tenacity. This individual can be a friend,
family member, acquaintance, or even a celebrity you’ve never met.
For example, I have a friend who built a thriving company despite
personal health issues. Additionally, a close family member struggled for
years with severe financial issues, and overcame them to build a successful,
rewarding life for him and his family.
An example of a celebrity is basketball great Michael Jordan, who was
unceremoniously cut from his high school basketball team. He persevered to
become one of the sport’s most celebrated players.
Reflect on the individual’s efforts, frustrations, and ultimate success.
Don’t compare yourself to this person. Simply contemplate the resilience and
grit he or she displayed in climbing their personal mountain.
Now, describe a personal situation in which you gave up and now regret
your decision. Write down three things you could have done to persevere
with the same attitude as the individual you just contemplated.
Time required: 15 minutes.
 THE UPSIDE OF BOREDOM

M ost of us grew up thinking that boredom was something to avoid. We

were told it stemmed from an absence of curiosity, lack of interests,
and inability to entertain ourselves. We were told “only boring people
get bored.”
Naturally, boredom took on negative connotations. It’s unsurprising that,
in adulthood, boredom leaves us feeling unsettled. Some of us may even
experience a niggling sense of guilt from being in such a state. If we’re
bored, we’re not busy or productive enough, right?
Wrong.
The truth is, there’s nothing bad about boredom. In fact, it can be a gift.
Rather than trying to fill the void, we should enjoy - even celebrate - the
downtime. It’s an opportunity to think about our circumstances, contemplate
the day, and improve our self-awareness. These activities bolster our
psychological readiness, and in doing so increase our mental toughness.
In this section, you’ll learn that boredom is not only inevitable, but also a
necessity. It’s a fundamental part of developing expertise in any skill, a
process that raises our self-confidence. You’ll also receive several tips that’ll
help you to get comfortable with boredom and even learn to embrace it.
Boredom Is a Corequisite of Mastery
Think of a skill you’ve mastered. Consider the time and attention you
devoted to it. Reflect on the experience of practicing your craft. There were
undoubtedly times when you felt bored during the process.
The brain is stimulated by new things. We’re excited by the prospect of
learning new skills and putting them to use. The trouble is, mastering a skill
requires practice and repetition. And when you practice something over and
over, it starts to become boring. You must continue to put in the time to
maintain your proficiency. But the brain essentially goes to sleep, working on
autopilot.
In this way, boredom is a precondition of mastery. No one masters
anything without experiencing boredom in the process.
For example, suppose you’ve mastered playing the guitar. You’ve
devoted thousands of hours to memorizing every chord and scale, playing
them cleanly, and learning music theory to deepen your understanding about
how everything fits together. After years of training, you’re an expert.
You’ve surely experienced times of intense boredom along the way.
That’s how mastery works. If you plan to develop expertise in a skill or
craft, boredom should be an expectation.
Mastery Is a Necessity for Mental Toughness
Why is mastery important to us in the context of developing mental
toughness? Because mastery gives us a sense of control. The more control we
feel we possess, the more confidence we’ll have that we can overcome
obstacles and resolve complications.
When we haven’t mastered something relevant to our circumstances, we
get the impression that we lack control. This impression causes us to feel
unprepared, lacking in the requisite skills to achieve success. In this situation,
we’re more inclined to give up when we face adversity.
For example, suppose you’re preparing a report for your boss. It’s a
complex report, pulling data from multiple spreadsheets. Imagine that you’ve
run into problems. There’s evidently something wrong with the formulas
you’ve created to pull the appropriate data.
If you’re proficient in the use of spreadsheets, you’ll feel comfortable in
your ability to investigate and resolve the issue. You’ll have a sense of
control over your circumstances. Consequently, you’ll be inclined to
persevere until the matter is resolved. You’ll trust yourself to see things
through to success.
But let’s say you rarely work with spreadsheets. You can input data into
cells and create simple formulas, but that’s where your expertise ends. In this
situation, when you discover complex problems with the report you’re
creating for your boss, you won’t feel in control. You’ll likely feel
unqualified to investigate and resolve the underlying issues. You’ll be more
inclined to give up, even if doing so means disappointing your boss.
Herein lies the reason mastery is essential for mental toughness. When
we’re proficient in something that’s relevant to our circumstances, we trust
ourselves. We have confidence in our skills and abilities. This confidence
reinforces our tenacity and resolve. We perceive ourselves as able to endure
the pressure and overcome the obstacles that stand in our path. So we’re more
likely to press onward than surrender to defeat.
As mentioned above, mastery is always accompanied by boredom. The
latter is a natural part of becoming adept at any skill or craft. That being the
case, boredom isn’t something to avoid.
It’s something to embrace.
How to Get Comfortable with Boredom
When you feel bored while performing a task, remind yourself why you’re
performing the task in the first place. What do you hope to accomplish? Why
is that outcome important to you?
Let’s return to our earlier “spreadsheet” example. You’re working with
the spreadsheets because your boss assigned the report to you. You hope to
produce a report that’ll be helpful to him or her. That’s important to you
because it’ll make you look good to your boss. And that positive impression
might lead to higher-profile projects, which in turn might lead to a promotion
and raise down the road.
You’re shifting your attention from the task at hand to your greater goal.
This makes it easier to tolerate the boredom you’re experiencing in the
present. Your attention is focused on your longer-term purpose.
It’s also helpful to acknowledge that you’re bored. Boredom is subtle and
often settles in without our realization. Recognize that you’re bored and
identify the reason (e.g. practicing your craft via repetition is boring). That’ll
make it easier to accept the boredom and move on before it stirs up negative
emotions (stress, frustration, depression, etc.).
Another way to deal with boredom is to turn whatever you’re doing into a
game. This will make whatever task or project you’re working on more
enjoyable. You can even attach small rewards to achieving specific
milestones.
For example, suppose you’re practicing playing scales on the guitar. You
know the scales like the back of your hand, so the practice session is boring.
Turn the practice session into a game with small rewards. For instance, set a
timer for five minutes. Then, try to play the scales up and down without
making a single error in form or clarity. If you succeed, enjoy a piece of your
favorite candy bar.
Or suppose you’re working on the aforementioned spreadsheet report for
your boss. It’s boring work, particularly if you’re adept at using spreadsheets.
So, turn it into a game. Set a timer and try to finish a section of the report in
the next three minutes. Or come up with a novel strategy for pulling data that
you’ve never employed before.
Another effective tactic is to meditate. Meditation trains your mind to be
present. It desensitizes your mind to boredom, encouraging it to find peace
and joy in being in the moment. Rather than looking for distractions to stave
off boredom, your mind will learn to remain focused and relaxed in the
absence of stimulation.

B OREDOM IS a companion to developing mental toughness. It’s part of the

process. And importantly, far from carrying negative connotations, we should
learn to welcome it when it’s associated with the skills we practice and hone.
After all, it suggests that we’re on the cusp of true mastery.

EXERCISE #16

W RITE down the feelings you typically associate with boredom. Some may be
positive and some negative. Following are a few examples:

restlessness
frustration
calmness
satisfaction
irritability
amusement
guilt
optimism
pessimism

Next, reframe the negative emotions.

For example, if you typically feel restless when you’re bored, determine
the reason. Perhaps you were raised to believe that idle time is worthless, and
you should always be doing something. In this case, you can reframe the idle
time as valuable downtime during which you have an opportunity to relax and
recharge.
Time required: 10 minutes.
 HOW TO LEARN THE RIGHT LESSONS FROM
FAILURE

F ailure can be a highly effective teacher. It’s also a harsh and

unsympathetic one. The insight and value we obtain from it ultimately
depend on which lessons we learn.
If we perceive failure to be a scathing judgement on our skills and
abilities, we’ll eventually learn to dread it. We’ll begin to see ourselves as
incompetent and inadequate. So pervasive might this dread become in our
minds that we’ll become unwilling to take risks.
Conversely, if we perceive failure to be nothing more than feedback,
we’ll recognize it as an opportunity to improve our processes. Rather than
feeling incompetent due to our lack of success this time, we’ll be inclined to
incorporate the feedback and try again.
So much depends on how we interpret failure. How we do so will
influence our emotions, thoughts, and ultimately our responses. Our
perception of failure - and by extension, the lessons we learn from it - can
make the difference between giving up and persevering when life becomes
difficult.
Consider the following quote from the aforementioned basketball marvel
Michael Jordan:

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost
300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-
winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over
 again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

Another basketball player might have an entirely different reaction if he

were to post these numbers. He might even entertain the idea of giving up,
convinced that he was a terrible player and unlikely to ever master his craft.
Again, our perception of failure dictates the lessons we learn from it.
Seen through the appropriate lens, failure can have a remarkably positive
effect on our burgeoning mental toughness.
How Failure Improves Your Mental Toughness
You’ve likely heard the phrase “that which doesn’t kill us makes us
stronger.” It typically refers to tragedy and misfortune, but it’s equally
applicable to failure. If we interpret failure as feedback, it toughens us. Each
incident further desensitizes us from the crippling emotions that might
otherwise surface.
Throughout this process, we become steadily more courageous when
we’re faced with uncertainty. The idea of making a wrong decision or
committing a mistake, and consequently experiencing a negative outcome,
holds less and less fear for us. A negative outcome becomes nothing more
than feedback, which presents us with an opportunity to learn and improve.
The more prepared we are to interpret failure as feedback rather than a
pronouncement of inadequacy, the more courageous we’ll become.
Eventually, we’ll adopt a fearless mindset. We’ll notice practical lessons in
every negative outcome, an attitude that’ll embolden us and reinforce our
resilience when we confront setbacks and misfortune.
We discussed the importance of having a growth mindset in the section
How Your Attitude Affects Your Mental Toughness. Our willingness and
readiness to learn from our failures aligns perfectly with this frame of mind.
It’s an admission that we’re imperfect, as well as an acknowledgement that
we’re capable of learning anything we need in order to persevere and
eventually succeed.
This attitude affects every area of our lives. It influences our decisions
and actions at school, in the workplace, at home, and with friends and loved
ones. It shapes our responses to unexpected obstacles and emotional distress.
When we learn the right lessons from failure, we develop greater awareness
of ourselves and our capacity to handle pressure and overcome challenges.
5 Lessons to Learn Whenever You “Fail”
So, what are the correct lessons that we should learn from failure? How can
we ensure that we’re taking maximum advantage of the feedback we’re
presented with? Following are five takeaways that’ll reward you as long as
you’re willing to perceive failure as a stepping stone to improvement and
eventual success.
#1 - Success often comes after multiple failures.
Baseball great Babe Ruth was simultaneously known as the Strike Out King
and the Home Run King. He once said “every strike brings me closer to the
next home run.” He recognized that failure wasn’t the final outcome. It was
merely a milepost on his path to accomplishing something remarkable.
#2 - Each failure provides valuable experience.
Experience has greater value than success. It gives us a healthy perspective
regarding our abilities. It also makes us aware of our limitations, highlighting
deficits that warrant our attention. Experience is necessary for personal
growth.
Every time we fail to achieve our desired outcome, we gain a deeper
understanding of the relationship between our decisions and actions and the
net result. This knowledge informs our future decisions and actions. We gain
awareness and insight and become more effective, all of which make us more
tenacious when our results deviate from our expectations.
#3 - Persistence trumps everything.
Inventor Thomas Edison was intimately acquainted with failure. He
successfully invented the light bulb after thousands of failed attempts. Edison
later said regarding the experience “I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000
ways that won’t work.”
He understood that persistence in the face of failure is critical to final
success. To that end, the refusal to give up is more important than
intelligence, talent, and education. Persistence, one of the clearest expressions
of mental toughness, trumps everything when failure occurs.
#4 - Fear is unnecessary and unproductive.
Fear prevents us from taking action. And failure is the thing many of us
intuitively fear the most. We shudder at the possibility that we’ll do
something that’ll have a negative outcome. We worry that we’ll make fools
of ourselves. This is the reason it’s so difficult to venture outside our comfort
zones.
The upside of regularly failing (and possessing the grit to press forward
afterward) is that we slowly become desensitized to negative outcomes. We
learn that such outcomes are less consequential than we imagine them to be.
In short, we come to realize that our fears are overblown.
Once we grow accustomed to failure, perceiving it as an opportunity to
learn and improve, the associated fear ceases to have a hold on us. We
become more comfortable taking calculated risks to improve our
circumstances.
#5 - YOU decide how to feel about failure.
The biggest impediment to our cognitive resilience when we’re faced with
failure is our emotions. In the section Mental Toughness and Emotional
Mastery, we talked about emotions in the context of self-awareness, empathy,
and self-control. These concepts dovetail with our perception of failure.
We choose how we respond to it. We can choose to embrace the negative
emotions that failure stimulates within us (e.g. distress, fear, shame,
depression, etc.). Or we can choose to reframe failure and assign positive
emotions to it. If we interpret failure as an opportunity to learn, we can
associate emotions such as interest, hope, inspiration, pride, and even
gratitude. These positive emotions help us to embrace optimism about our
ongoing personal growth and effectiveness.

A LL OF US grow up fearing failure. The problem is, many of us fail to shed

this fear in adulthood. It lies deep in our psyche, dictating our decisions and
actions, and preventing us from taking risks, venturing outside our comfort
zones, and persevering when life becomes difficult.
When we reframe failure, changing our perception of it, we give
ourselves an opportunity to take advantage of its attendant insights. This
habit reinforces our tenacity when we encounter obstacles, challenges, and
other setbacks.

EXERCISE #17

D ESCRIBE A SITUATION WHERE YOU FAILED . It doesn’t matter whether the

failure was big or small, consequential or trivial. Write down what happened
and how your decisions or actions (or inaction) led to a negative outcome.
Next, describe the emotions you experienced as a result of that incident.
Did you feel guilty, angry, or discouraged?
Finally, ponder how you might have turned that failure into success.
Here’s a personal example to get you started. I taught myself to play the
guitar when I was in high school. My early attempts were embarrassing. I
couldn’t get it right. I failed over and over.
Back then, I often let my emotions get away from me. I’d routinely
chastise myself for failing to play well, and feel angry, frustrated, and
disappointed all at once. Needless to say, that wasn’t conducive to improving
my craft.
Eventually, I decided to let go of these negative emotions. I
acknowledged them and pressed onward. I committed to getting up at 4:30
a.m. each morning and practicing for hours before heading off to school.
The result? I slowly developed and honed my skill to the point that I was
satisfied with it.
Now, it’s your turn.
Time required: 15 minutes.
 HOW NAVY SEALS DEVELOP MENTAL
TOUGHNESS

P eople who go through the training and selection process to become a

United States Navy SEAL are intimately acquainted with the temptation
to give up. They endure a difficult 26-week training regimen at Basic
Underwater Demolition/SEAL (BUD/S) school. Then, they face a formidable
26-week SEAL Qualification Training course.
The training program is extremely demanding, designed to weed out all
but the toughest individuals. Only one in seven enrollees graduate. But
despite popular belief, the program doesn’t focus on physical superiority. In
fact, former Navy SEAL and SEAL Sniper instructor Brandon Webb, reveals
a surprising fact about SEAL training. In his book Red Circle: My Life in the
Navy SEAL Sniper Corps and How I Trained, he notes that “the course is
designed for the average athletic male to be able to make it through.”
So why do so few enrollees graduate from the program? Webb says in
Red Circle:

What SEAL training really tests is your mental mettle. It is

designed to push you mentally to the brink, over and over again,
until you are hardened and able to take on any task with
confidence, regardless of the odds - or until you break.”

There’s a lot we can learn about mental toughness from Navy SEALS.
This section will examine their psychological resolve and explore the
practical tactics they use to deal with adversity in the field.
Mental Toughness Trumps Physical Toughness
Navy SEALS undoubtedly need to be physically fit to handle the challenges
associated with their jobs. Theirs is a demanding profession. While, as Webb
suggests, the average athletic male can pass the training program’s physical
fitness test, graduates routinely work out to stay in top physical shape.
But the mental training takes priority.
Navy SEALS are often placed in hostile and extreme situations that
trigger a natural fear response. In these situations, there’s a risk they’ll
become overwhelmed with the emotions associated with this fear. They
undergo psychological conditioning designed to desensitize themselves to it.
Many people believe Navy SEALs to be fearless. But this is a
misconception. SEALs experience fear just like all of us. The difference is,
they’ve learned to control it so they’re able to press onward and complete
their missions. This is possible due to a mental training strategy known as
habituation.
Habituation involves repeated exposure to stimulus that triggers an
undesirable response (in this case, fear). Frequent exposure acclimates the
individual to the stimulus, thereby diminishing the unwanted response.
Through this training, Navy SEALs learn to conquer and control their fears
so they can do their jobs.
Notice that SEALs’ mental toughness, and their training that helps to
develop it, doesn’t preclude fear. It helps SEALs to master it so that the fear
doesn’t control them, which would limit their operational effectiveness in
life-threatening situations.
Let’s now take a look at some of the training tactics used by Navy SEALs
to strengthen their mental fortitude and psychological preparedness.
5 Tactics Used by Navy Seals to Deal with Adversity
The training techniques employed by Navy SEALs are immediately
applicable. The focus isn’t on theory. It’s on practical application. Below, I’ll
share five techniques as described by former and current SEALs, and explain
how you can apply them in your daily experience.
#1 - Practice positive self-talk.
Part of the BUD/S training program involves staying underwater with
breathing gear. This is known as “pool comp.” While the trainee is
underwater, his instructor will break his breathing equipment. The trainee
must remain calm and fix the problem. Positive self-talk is essential to
keeping panic at bay and completing this test successfully.
Application: Whenever you feel overwhelmed, whether at your job or at
home, remind yourself that your skills, abilities, and knowledge will help you
to prevail. Tell yourself to remain calm and relaxed. Tell yourself that your
current circumstances are temporary, and will dissipate when you give them
attention.
#2 - Continue training after you master something.
Navy SEALs must master a wide variety of disciplines. The problem is, most
of their time isn’t spent in the field where they can put these skills to use.
SEALs experience a lot of downtime. If they neglect to constantly practice
their skills, they’ll get rusty. So they train over and over, guaranteeing they’ll
be ready to perform when they’re on deployment.
Application: Keep practicing skills that are essential to your long-term
success, even if you feel you’ve mastered them. Try to use them each day to
ensure they stay sharp. For example, writing is obviously a major part of
being an author. But it’s tempting to take significant time off between books.
Many authors, myself included, resist this temptation and write every day to
keep our writing “muscles” in tiptop shape.
#3 - Focus on small wins.
Like most of us, Navy SEALs set goals for themselves. But their goals do
little to help them endure the mental punishment associated with their jobs.
To stay mentally strong and achieve their goals, they practice
“segmentation.” They break down their larger goals into micro goals. For
example, rather than focusing on completing a 20-mile run, they focus on
reaching the tree they see in their path in the distance. Once they reach the
tree, they focus on scaling a hill that’s within sight. And so on until they
complete their run.
Application: Break down intimidating projects into small steps. Ideally,
these steps can be completed within a single day. For example, suppose
you’ve been tasked with giving a presentation at your workplace. Segment
the project. Write down each step, including selecting a topic, writing the
content, preparing slides, and brainstorming questions for your audience. You
can further segment writing the content into creating your introduction, the
body of your presentation, and your conclusion.
#4 - Visualize your desired outcome.
This is something that Navy SEALs and world-class athletes (e.g.
Olympians) have in common. They mentally rehearse their activities and
visualize their success. This technique is effective because, according to
psychologists, the brain doesn’t differentiate between actual experiences and
imagined experiences. Because of this cognitive quirk, visualization prepares
our minds for success and squelches our fears in the process.
Application: If you’re worried about something you need to do, visualize
doing it successfully. For example, suppose you’re concerned about a big
presentation you’re expected to give at your workplace. Close your eyes and
see yourself giving the presentation. Take yourself through each step, each
part of your speech, and each slide. Visualize completing your presentation
and responding confidently to the audience’s questions. See yourself in the
ideal state you hope to experience.
#5 - Anticipate everything that might go wrong.
A large part of a Navy SEAL’s mental conditioning is to control the innate
fear that surfaces in the face of adversity. For most of us, adverse
circumstances are unpleasant and frustrating. For SEALs, such circumstances
can be deadly.
To combat this fear, SEALs rehearse relentlessly, trying to anticipate
every problem that might prevent them from completing their missions.
Before Navy SEAL Team Six descended upon Osama bin Laden’s compound
in May 2011, they created a life-sized model of his compound. They then
spent three weeks training for the operation. During this intense training, they
brainstormed and simulated unexpected complications and rehearsed their
responses to them.
Application: If you’re working on a project and worried that something
might go wrong, ponder the difficulties you might experience. Let’s again
suppose you’re planning to give a presentation. The audiovisual equipment
you’re using to display slides might malfunction. What will you do if that
happens? You might forget a piece of your speech. How will you recover?
Someone in your audience might ask a question for which you lack an
answer. How will you respond to this individual? Try to anticipate every
possible complication, and then rehearse your responses. You’ll feel more
comfortable and confident that you’ll be able to handle any problem that
surfaces.

N AVY SEAL S MUST BE MENTALLY tough in order to overcome their fears and
do their jobs effectively. We can use many aspects of their training to
develop our own mental toughness. The tactics they use to ensure their
operational effectiveness can help us to deal with adversity, uncertainty, and
misfortune in our daily lives.

EXERCISE #18
W RITE down three incidents during which you were paralyzed by fear, lack
of confidence, and negative self-talk, and thereby unable to take purposeful
action. Describe how you would resolve each of these three situations today
using the mental conditioning tactics favored by Navy SEALs.
Time required: 10 minutes.
PART III
 A QUICK-START GUIDE TO BECOMING
MENTALLY TOUGH

We’ve covered a lot of material. Along with the exercises found in each
section of this book, all of it is important if you wish to develop mental
toughness. But admittedly, it’s a lot to digest. And when you’re faced with a
mountain of tips, tactics, and strategies (and exercises!), it can feel
overwhelming.
It’s like visiting your favorite buffet and being spellbound by all of the
delicious food on offer. Where do you start? How do you take full
advantage?
Part III will help you to get started. First, we’ll take a look at several real-
life applications of mental toughness. This will further distance the idea of
mental strength from the theoretical and instead highlight it as applied
psychology. Something that’s experiential, less abstract and more focused on
real-world results.
Second, I’ll take you through a simple 10-step regimen designed to kick-
start your training. This program prioritizes the fundamentals. It’s a primer.
As you progress, you’ll no doubt want to expand the regimen to fit your
circumstances.
Finally, you’ll learn how to maintain your mental toughness once you’ve
started to develop it. Everything we’ve discussed in this book, from
emotional mastery to psychological preparedness, combines to form
something like a muscle. It’s like any muscle. The more you use it the
stronger it grows. The less you use it the faster it atrophies. I’ll share several
strategies that’ll help to ensure your mental toughness “muscles” continue to
develop.
Enough chatter. We’re nearing the finish line. Let’s put everything we’ve
covered thus far to use.
 PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS OF MENTAL
TOUGHNESS

M ental toughness makes sense on a conceptual level. But the

conversation can easily become academic, never reaching the point
where it takes on legitimate, real-life substance and gravity. In this
way, talking about mental toughness is similar to discussing how to be
courageous and confident, more self-aware, more charismatic, and less
introverted. As a self-improvement goal, it remains ethereal - and its value
hypothetical - until we know how to apply it in our daily lives.
This section addresses that gap. Below, we’ll explore how being mentally
strong in difficult situations can pay dividends in various areas of your life.
I’ll use examples to illustrate the many forms mental toughness can take and
describe how you might benefit from its application.
Some of the examples may seem trivial to you. But that’s partly the aim
of this section: to demonstrate the countless small ways mental toughness can
prove beneficial. To that end, what follows is merely a jumping-off point.
You’ll undoubtedly think of many ways to apply tenacity, impulse control,
emotional strength, and psychological readiness that are unique to your
circumstances.
Let’s start with our home lives.
Mental Toughness at Home
When we think of being at home, we imagine feeling comfortable and
relaxed. But of course, difficult situations can surface at home just like
anywhere else. We don’t control everything that happens to us, and thus
we’re often forced to deal with situations that test our patience and resolve.
For example, if you have a young child at home, you’re well-acquainted
with the frustration that can often arise. Or suppose you’re unable to find a
cherished heirloom, and discover (with shock) that a family member
unwittingly discarded it. Or let’s say you’re trying to focus on reading a
book, but construction workers nearby are making so much noise that it’s all
but impossible to focus.
These situations can trigger a host of negative emotions that can lead to
unhealthy and unrewarding escalation. Being mentally tough entails keeping
these emotions in check. It involves enduring the stress and adapting to your
circumstances, as unpleasant as they might be.
Mental Toughness in the Workplace
The workplace can be a hotbed of frustration, distress, and disappointment.
Consider that you interact with a variety of people every day. Not only does
each person possess unique personality quirks, but their moods can shift
according to their individual circumstances. It can be a virtual minefield.
Additionally, you might experience setbacks such as failing to make
deadlines, missing your sales quotas, and being passed up for expected
promotions. And then there are the office politics, where rewards and
punishments, both subtle and overt, are doled out based on who’s currently in
and out of favor.
Keeping your emotions in check is critical to staying sane in this type of
an environment. It’s also important to silence your inner critic (your
coworkers will happily fill that role), keep a positive outlook, and celebrate
your small victories. Remember, mental toughness comes from within you. It
has nothing to do with receiving validation from others.
Mental Toughness as a Freelancer
If you’re a freelancer, you’re no stranger to challenges, setbacks, and other
difficult situations. From working with grumpy clients and pursuing unpaid
invoices to feeling inadequate, incompetent, and untalented when compared
to your competition, freelancing is a tough road. Being successful requires a
tough mind.
An emotionally fragile freelancer will always struggle to feel comfortable
with his business. This person will continually question his abilities while
feeling like an amateur. This self-doubt can be an extremely frustrating
predicament, particularly when clients complain, request an endless string of
revisions, and are late to pay invoices.
The mentally tough freelancer will be better equipped to take these
difficulties in stride. She’ll be able to work productively with irritable clients;
she’ll respond professionally to requests for revisions; and she’ll display
confidence when following up on late invoices.
Mental toughness may be a freelancer’s best friend.
Mental Toughness in School
We rarely think of school as an environment that requires mental toughness.
But in fact, school can be just as much of a breeding ground for distress,
disappointment, anxiety, and despair as the workplace. Moreover, the social
dynamics of a school can turn it into just as much of a snake pit.
What role does mental toughness play in such an environment?
Studying for exams when you’d rather catch up on sleep calls for impulse
control. Dealing with a terrible grade on a project in which you invested
significant time and effort demands emotional control. Completing
assignments on time when life conspires against you makes a positive
mindset an indispensable asset.
In some ways, school can impose more psychological pressure than the
workplace. Mental toughness helps students manage stress, adapt to adverse
situations, and even become less emotionally vulnerable to bullying.
Mental Toughness in Competitive Sports
If you participate in competitive sports, you already know how mental
toughness (or lack thereof) influences your performance. But it’s worth
highlighting a few examples to drive the point home.
During practice sessions, your body and mind can become exhausted to
the point that you want to give up. It’s your grit and resolve that keep you
going, compelling you to press onward when it feels like you have nothing
left in the tank.
While competing, you might experience self-doubt. You’ll question
yourself and your abilities. Are you truly as good as your competition? Are
they better than you? Faster? Bigger? Stronger? As these questions surface,
you’ll begin to feel anxious and unfocused. You might even feel inferior to
your competition.
Mental toughness will help you to concentrate on your performance and
remain calm. Visualizing your success will help to quell your self-doubt. And
having confidence in your abilities, which spring from your hard work, will
extinguish the psychological pressure. A mentally-tough athlete believes in
herself, stays positive, deconstructs negative self-talk, and performs well
despite the obstacles she encounters.
Mental Toughness and Your Goals
Setting personal goals is important because goals give us purpose. They help
us to focus on things we want to accomplish. They give us direction as they
provide us with a destination. This direction helps us make better decisions
and take more purposeful action.
The problem is, the effort required to achieve our goals often runs
contrary to our impulses. For example, suppose your goal is to exercise at the
gym five days a week. There will be times when you’ll be tempted to forgo
your workout and spend that time on your couch watching your favorite show
on Netflix.
Suppose your goal is to lose 20 lbs. You decide to stay away from junk
food. If you’ve ever tried to give up sugar (and who among us hasn’t tried?),
you know firsthand how strong the cravings can be.
Suppose your goal is to meet three new people a day. But let’s say you’re
an introvert and introducing yourself to strangers is a scary proposition.
You’ll occasionally be tempted to abandon your goal and retreat to your
comfort zone.
In each of these scenarios, mental toughness will reinforce your resolve
when the cravings and temptations surface. In fact, a large part of achieving
any goal is psychological in nature; success relies on our ability to resist our
impulses. Mental strength in the form of tenacity, discipline, and emotional
mastery is necessary for us to exert impulse control.

M ENTAL TOUGHNESS IS crucial when dealing with life’s major hardships, such
as divorce, the loss of a job, or the death of a loved one. But it’s also useful to
think of mental toughness in the context of how you can apply it to deal
constructively with life’s smaller complications. These are the situations that
occur throughout the day. While they’re smaller in consequence, they add up
and can exert enormous cumulative pressure on us.
Let’s now go through a simple 10-step mental toughness training
program. It’ll ensure you get started on the right foot, laying the foundation
for ongoing development down the road.
 A 10-STEP TRAINING PROGRAM FOR
TOUGHENING YOUR MIND

I t’s one thing to talk (or read) about developing mental toughness. It’s
another thing to actually do it. This subject matter is so comprehensive
and has such huge ramifications that it’s tough to know where to get
started.
In this section, I’ll give you a simple, quick-start action plan. We’ll go
through 10 steps, each of which focuses on an important principle of mental
toughness. Note that what follows is far from a complete, encyclopedic
initiative on toughening your mind. Rather, it’s designed to give you a
jumpstart in the right direction. The fact is, it’d be impossible for me to create
an all-inclusive program for you as developing mental toughness becomes a
personal journey once you master the basics.
So let’s start developing the skills and knowledge you’ll need to deal
effectively with the challenges, complications, and stressors life inevitably
throws at you.
Step 1: Contemplate how you can apply mental toughness in your life.
The key to starting off right is to stop thinking about mental toughness as an
abstract idea and start thinking about it as something that has real-life value
to you. In the previous section, we explored some of its myriad practical
applications. Here, consider how you’ll apply your newly-toughened mindset
to your personal circumstances.
Our goals and aspirations become easier to achieve once we identify our
purpose for achieving them. So ask yourself why you’d like to develop
mental resilience. How will it improve your life? For example, will it help
you to resist junk food while dieting? Will it give you the discipline to
exercise daily? Will it provide you the emotional strength you’ll need to
handle the impending loss of a dearly-loved family member?
Developing mental toughness is a difficult endeavor. Knowing your
purpose will help you to persevere when you struggle.
Step 2: Segment your goals.
You’re no stranger to setting goals. The fact that you’re reading this book
means self-improvement is important to you, and it’s difficult to improve
yourself without goals.
Having said that, setting goals isn’t enough. Nor is even setting the right
goals. The key is to break down your goals into easily-manageable steps. In
the section How Navy SEALs Develop Mental Toughness, we talked about the
practice of segmentation. Navy SEALs use this technique to endure the
mental stress and pressure that accompany their jobs. They use it to avoid
becoming overwhelmed.
This is the same technique used by distance runners when they participate
in marathons. When they’re exhausted, both physically and mentally, they
don’t focus on the finish line. They focus on the next point within sight. Once
they reach that point, they focus on the next point within sight. They do this
over and over, confident they’ll eventually reach the finish line.
Segment your own goals to resist the temptation to give up when the
going gets tough.
Step 3: Reframe difficult situations as opportunities to improve.
Building mental strength depends on how we think of our circumstances. If
we perceive adversity and misfortune to be hardships that leave us powerless
victims, we’ll be more inclined to lose heart and surrender. Conversely, if we
perceive them to be learning opportunities, we’ll be more likely to consider
their positive aspects. It’s a matter of reframing how we interpret challenging
scenarios.
For example, suppose you’re a freelancer discussing a project with a
potential client. The client ends up balking, rejecting your proposal outright.
In this scenario, if you habitually consider yourself the victim in negative
situations, you may instinctively question your abilities and skills. If this
outcome happens repeatedly, you might even begin to think of yourself as
worthless, and be tempted to close down your business.
But suppose you framed this client’s rejection in a positive light. For
example, you might interpret it as a reinforcement of your pricing structure
(i.e. charging higher fees leads to better clients). You may perceive it as an
affirmation of your principles (i.e. the type of work you’re willing or
unwilling to do). By reframing difficult situations, you get to choose the
insight you infer from them. This shift in mindset can make the difference
between falling into despair when things go wrong and feeling inspired to
persist.
Step 4: Practice controlling negative emotions.
Emotional intelligence is a massive topic that touches on numerous
disciplines and subject areas, such as empathy, self-awareness, and self-
regulation. Such matters lie beyond the scope of this discussion. But we can
still benefit from exploring how to get our emotions under control without
getting lost in the weeds in the process.
As we discussed in the section Mental Toughness and Emotional
Mastery, negative emotions are natural. In fact, they can be highly useful in
focusing our attention and spurring us to improve ourselves. The problem is,
emotions like anxiety, anger, and fear can overwhelm us and paralyze us into
inaction. A little goes a long way, and too much can quickly overload us.
We shouldn’t suppress negative emotions. On the contrary, we should
learn to manage them. The best way to do this is to question whether your
feelings align with logic and reason. When they’re in sync, it’s much easier to
take purposeful action and make good decisions when things go wrong.
For example, suppose your retirement portfolio takes a beating in the
market. It’s down 25%. You’re angry and worried that your investments will
no longer sufficiently fund your retirement. Stop. Take a breath. Now ask
yourself whether these negative emotions align with reason. We know from
history that the market typically rallies soon after it contracts. Protracted
downswings (i.e. bear markets) that last longer than a couple of years are
rare.
Armed with this knowledge, it becomes easier to manage your anger and
worry. Rather than letting them paralyze you, you can make good decisions
and take sensible action (e.g. Reallocating your investments to more
promising sectors). In this example, your anger and worry inform your
decisions. They prompt you to take action rather than incapacitating you.
It’s not always easy to control negative emotions. But the more consistent
you are in using this technique, the easier it becomes.
Step 5: Visualize your performance.
This step is both easy and simple. Here’s how to do it: whenever you’re about
to do something, close your eyes and see yourself doing it perfectly in your
mind. Then, imagine how you’ll respond to various challenges.
Rehearsing your performance in your head does two important things.
First, it trains your mind to expect success. In his book The Young
Champion’s Mind, Jim Afremow notes the following:

… the brain does not always differentiate between real and

vividly imagined experiences because the same systems in the
brain are deployed for both types of experiences.”

When you visualize doing something successfully, your brain thinks it’s
real. Consequently, visualization can literally improve your chances of
success. This is the reason world-class athletes use this technique before they
compete. If it works for them, it’ll work for you.
The second thing mental rehearsal does is prepare you for every possible
contingency. When you visualize how you’ll respond to various challenges,
you train your mind to react faster. Rather than being forced to interpret each
setback in the moment and choose the appropriate response, your responses
will already be in place. You’ll spend less time ruminating about your
situation, and find it easier to “get back in the game” when you confront
obstacles.
Step 6: Manage your inner critic.
Like negative emotions, your inner critic can be your friend or your enemy.
Much depends on how much control you exert over it. (For a broader
discussion of this negative voice in your head, including useful tactics for
taming it, see the section Mental Toughness and Your Inner Critic.)
One of your inner critic’s superpowers is catastrophic thinking. It
assumes the worst will happen in every situation. This outlook is contrary to
logic and reason, and counters our intention to press on when we confront
adversity.
For example, suppose you’re trying to stay away from sugary foods. One
day, you give into temptation and eat a donut. Your inner critic will try to
convince you that this single mistake will have disastrous consequences. It
will tell you that you’ll never be able to stick to a healthy diet, and you’ll
inevitably become morbidly obese and pitifully lazy. You’ll be the laughing
stock of everyone around you. And worst of all, you’ll have proven that
you’re destined for failure.
Your inner critic can be a jerk.
You can learn to control this internal negative monologue by practicing
positive self-talk. This doesn’t mean telling yourself things that are untrue.
Rather, it involves positive thought management. This includes affirming
your strengths, acknowledging your weaknesses, and recognizing your ability
to improve the latter at will. Over time, your inner critic will find itself
without an audience.
Step 7: Get rid of “emotional icebergs.”
Emotional icebergs are personal beliefs regarding how we see ourselves, how
we think others should act around us, and our place in the world. We’re only
partially aware of these icebergs. Like real ones, most of their “mass” sits
under the surface with only their tips visible above it. Consequently, we often
fail to recognize them even as they work against us.
Following are a few examples of emotional icebergs:

“Everything I do should be perfect.”

“Life should be fair.”
“If I fail, it’s because I’m a failure.”
“Showing my feelings is a sign of weakness.”
“My parents should thank me when I do something for them.”
“My coworkers should respect me.”
“I should always avoid conflict.”

Emotional icebergs are insidious. They’re cunning and subtle, slowly

chipping away at our resolve, grit, and impulse control beyond our notice.
Worse, many of them stem from childhood, and are therefore deeply
ingrained in our psyche.
But we can get rid of them. The “secret” is to challenge them, just as you
might challenge your inner critic whenever it makes ridiculous claims. The
next time you notice yourself instinctively responding to a challenging
situation in an unhealthy manner, stop and investigate the reason.
For example, suppose you’ve unintentionally angered someone and have
rushed to smooth things over. Your top priority is to ensure they’re no longer
angry with you. Stop and ask yourself why you’ve acted in this manner. Is it
because you believe everyone should be happy with you at all times (a
common emotional iceberg)? If so, ask yourself whether this personal belief
is true. Might it be unreasonable?
By consistently challenging our emotional icebergs, we can gradually
melt them and thereby make them less formidable.
Step 8: Practice recovering after setbacks and failure.
Have you ever witnessed someone immediately getting back in the saddle
after he or she suffers misfortune? They make it look easy. You might have
found yourself wondering how this person does it.
Chances are, he or she has had a lot of practice. Therein lies a valuable
lesson with regard to developing mental toughness.
None of us are born knowing how to recover after setbacks. It’s not
intuitive. It’s something we learn. We discover from experience that failures
are seldom disastrous or final. When we stumble, we pick ourselves up, dust
ourselves off, and continue onward.
The more we do it, the easier it becomes.
The key to quickly recovering from failure is twofold. First, we need to
immediately confront and dispute our negative thoughts regarding it. Second,
we need to reengage the part of our mind that recognizes our abilities,
creativity, and self-worth.
For example, suppose you’ve given a presentation at your job that goes
poorly. If you’re highly susceptible to negative thoughts, you might wilt
under the self-recrimination. You may decide you’re incompetent,
unprofessional, and pathetically unqualified to instruct or inform others. And
so you may resolve to never again give a presentation.
But let’s say you have an entirely different mindset regarding failure.
When negative thoughts surface, you immediately dispute them because you
know they’re untrue. Then, you remind yourself that you’re highly skilled,
knowledgeable, creative, and resourceful. In this light, you’re able to quickly
rebound from this setback. And once you figure out why your presentation
failed, you’ll feel certain that your next presentation will be a success.
The more practice you get in recovering from setbacks, the less dejected
you’ll feel after experiencing them. You’ll eventually find that dusting
yourself off and getting back in the saddle becomes instinctive.
Step 9: Build habits that encourage discipline and grit.
We know from our discussion in the section The Role of Willpower and
Motivation that both are unreliable resources. We can count on neither when
we need to persevere through discomfort and hardship. A better strategy is to
form habits and routines that reinforce our resolve.
Have you ever lay in bed, awake minutes before your alarm is set to go
off, yet unable to escape the warm covers? Then, your alarm sounds and you
finally get out of bed. The alarm is a trigger that starts your morning routine
of brushing your teeth, taking a shower, getting dressed, and drinking coffee.
This routine is a sequence of habits. It occurs naturally, even though you
found it difficult to do the first unpleasant action (getting out of bed).
As noted in the section Mental Toughness and Your Habits, our habits are
more reliable than willpower and motivation when we need to overcome
obstacles. They keep us on track, helping us to control our impulses. They
help us to delay gratification, focusing our attention on the challenges in front
of us rather than allowing us to give in to temptation.
For example, suppose you aspire to go for a jog each evening after
returning home from work. If you’ve had a long, tiring day, you’ll be tempted
to relax on your couch and watch television. But let’s say you’ve adopted the
habit of donning your running clothes (sneakers, shorts, and t-shirt)
immediately after returning home each evening. This habit is so deeply
ingrained that it now occurs naturally. With this habit in place, you’ll be
better able to resist your couch and TV, and actually go for your evening jog.
Our habits make it easier to persevere when we encounter challenges and
complications. Adopt good habits, and you’ll be less inclined to give up when
you feel uncomfortable or under pressure.
Step 10: Celebrate the small victories.
We tend to focus on final results. For example, in college we define success
in the context of our GPA. When it comes to our careers, we define success
on whether we get the promotions we desire. If we’re trying to lose a certain
amount of weight, we focus on whether we reach our final target weight.
Our focus on the final outcome is admirable, but it often comes at the cost
of ignoring the smaller successes along the way. These successes are an
important component in training our minds to keep going when we
experience setbacks.
For example, suppose you’re dieting and exercising in order to lose 30
lbs. Losing this amount of weight is a formidable endeavor, and it consumes
your attention. If you stumble along the way (e.g. you eat a candy bar or you
neglect to exercise one day), you may feel so disappointed in yourself that
you’re tempted to give up. Your focus is on the “finish line,” and it’s such a
long ways off that it feels impossible to achieve in light of your misstep.
But let’s say you take the time to celebrate the small victories. You
compliment yourself on visiting the gym four days a week. You reward
yourself (e.g. renting a movie you’ve wanted to watch) for eating healthy
over the past three days. You give yourself permission to watch one episode
of your favorite sitcom for successfully resisting the urge to eat junk food
today.
Celebrating the small victories makes us feel good about whatever we’re
trying to achieve. It makes us happy. And this repeated feeling of happiness
can motivate us to stick to our guns when we’re uncomfortable - physically
and emotionally - down the road.

Y OU NOW HAVE AN ACTION PLAN . Ten steps to get you started in toughening
your mind, and in the process building your grit, tenacity, and resolve
whenever you face discomfort and distress.
What’s next? Once you’ve developed mental toughness, the challenge
then becomes maintaining it. If your life is without regular setbacks,
obstacles, and misfortune, your newly-toughened mind can atrophy, like any
muscle. We’ll solve this issue in the next section.
 THE MENTAL TOUGHNESS MAINTENANCE
GUIDE

A large part of developing mental toughness involves cognitive

restructuring. This is a process during which you question all of the
negative, inaccurate thoughts, attitudes, and emotions you harbor. It’s
about changing how you view the world as well as your place in it. Rather
than accepting your automatic reactions to your circumstances and trusting
them as reasonable, you put them under the microscope and scrutinize them.
Cognitive restructuring isn’t a once-and-done process, at least not in the
context of maintaining mental toughness. It’s something you’ll (hopefully)
attend to on a continual basis, regularly monitoring your thoughts and stress
testing them for validity.
Life sometimes grants us periods during which we suffer no major
setbacks or misfortune. Everything goes right for us. The problem is, mental
toughness is like a muscle. It atrophies if we neglect to make use of it.
Fortunately, we can easily prevent this from happening by performing a
simple mental workout regimen. The following eight exercises are designed
to help you stay mentally strong during times when life is free of
psychological and emotional stress.
8 Exercises to Maintain and Reinforce Your Mental Toughness
These exercises may seem inconsequential. All of them are easy, simple, and
require little time. But don’t underestimate their collective impact. If you
perform them each day, they’ll have a considerable influence on how you
process your thoughts and emotions.
#1 - Practice simple meditation.
We’re not talking about sitting with crystals, uttering mantras, or
strengthening your root chakra. Here, we just want to sit for a few minutes
with our eyes closed and focus on our breathing. We want to be present in the
moment.
Simple meditation allows us to disconnect from the world, giving us a
brief respite from all its deadlines, expectations, and other stressors. It gives
us a chance to catch our breath.
Science supports the practice as it relates to brain functioning consistent
with mental toughness. Studies have shown that meditation triggers increased
activity in the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC). 1 This is an area of the brain
that contributes to attention regulation, decision-making, impulse control, and
emotional responses.
You can practice simple meditation anywhere and at any time. All you
need is a bit of privacy and five minutes. If it’s noisy in your surroundings,
don a cheap set of headphones.
#2 - Ask yourself “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Even when life is good and everything is going right, self-doubt can creep in.
You’ll begin to second-guess your decisions and hesitate before acting in fear
that you’ll make mistakes.
Self-doubt is a natural and healthy part of our psychology. It helps us to
make good decisions, encourages us to do our best work, and protects us
from negative outcomes. The problem is, it can also paralyze us. It can
consume our thoughts, promoting fear and indecision, thereby becoming a
liability.
This exercise counters this effect. When you find yourself in doubt,
vacillating rather than taking action, ask yourself “What’s the worst that can
happen if I do XYZ?” The answer will reveal that mistakes are rarely
disastrous. It reminds us that we can take action without fear, confident that
doing so won’t lead to catastrophe. The more often we do this, the less we’ll
hesitate when faced with uncertainty.
#3 - Get comfortable with taking risks.
Taking risks exposes us to the possibility of failure. And that can be an
unsettling feeling. But failure is nothing to fear. While there’s usually a price
to pay, the price is seldom ruinous. Meanwhile, taking risks gives us valuable
experience as well as an opportunity to enjoy a specific reward. We take risks
to produce a desired outcome.
A part of cognitive restructuring involves adjusting how we think about
failure. Rather than perceiving it to be something to avoid at all costs, we
should learn to accept it as an ever-present hazard of taking action. In fact, we
should learn to anticipate it. The upside is that we stand to gain valuable
insight from failure. We learn what works and what doesn’t.
Take small risks throughout the day.
For example, suppose you’re visiting a favorite restaurant. Order a meal
you’ve never tried in the past. If you’re at the gym, try a new machine. If
you’re with a friend, be open in a way that may seem odd to you (e.g. express
your appreciation for his or her friendship). The practice of taking small risks
exposes you to failure without major consequence. Along the way, your mind
will gradually stop fearing failure, and instead treat it as an opportunity to
learn and improve.
#4 - Practice ignoring things that are beyond your control.
The Stoics had this correct. Some things lay beyond our control and therefore
shouldn’t consume our attentional resources. Epictetus, a Greek philosopher
who died in 135 AD, noted the following in his Discourses:

The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate

matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals
not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I
actually control.”

Epictetus was a smart man.

Spending time and attention on things we’re unable to control or
influence is a waste of energy. Ignoring such things only benefits us. It frees
our mind space so we can focus on things that we can actually change.
Try the following:
The next time you read something online - e.g. anything regarding
politics or dismal current events - ask yourself “How much control do I have
over this?” If the answer is “none,” ignore it and move on. You’ll reduce
your stress, conserve energy to allocate toward things you can change, and
probably sleep better in the process. Moreover, you’ll find it easier to control
your emotions, an important component of mental toughness.
#5 - When your willpower wanes, focus on your purpose.
There are undoubtedly tasks on your to-do list that you’d like to postpone or
avoid entirely. When we’re faced with such tasks, it’s sometimes difficult to
summon the mental fortitude to attend to them. They may be unpleasant. Or
they may require us to abandon (even if only temporarily) a more gratifying
activity. During these times, focus on why the task needs to be completed.
For example, suppose you need to finish an important project at your
workplace. You expect doing so will require three hours. You’re not looking
forward to it, and you’d rather spend the time surfing the internet. Remind
yourself why you need to complete the project. Did your boss give you a
concrete deadline? Will you be unable to participate in another project if you
fail to finish this one? Are your coworkers counting on you to finish on time?
This simple mental exercise can spur you to action when you otherwise
lack the willpower. By focusing on your purpose - i.e. on your why - you’ll
spark the motivation you need to act.
Here’s a silly, but illustrative, example from my own life:
When I was in high school, there was a girl in my class who I wanted to
impress. I knew she played rock guitar. Like any young man in that situation,
I decided to become a guitar virtuoso to dazzle her. So I practiced
relentlessly, getting up at 4:30 a.m. each day. There were many mornings
when I wanted to stay in bed. But I’d remind myself of my why. And
immediately after doing so, I’d tear the covers off, grab my guitar, and get to
work.
It’s amazing what you can convince yourself to do when you focus on
your purpose.
#6 - Replace your inner critic with an inner optimist.
Your inner critic is a natural pessimist. Every claim it makes is cynical and
bleak. And when it’s feeling particular unkind, it can be downright
disparaging. Following are some of the dubious claims my inner critic enjoys
tossing my way:

“You’re not smart enough.”

“You’re ugly.”
“You’re fat.”
“No one cares about you.”
“You mess everything up.”

Sound familiar? Again, mean-spirited. And completely unproductive.

We talked at length about how to silence this obnoxious internal voice in
the section Mental Toughness and Your Inner Critic. Here, we’re going to
take things one step further. We’re going to replace this voice with an inner
optimist.
One of the core tactics we discussed with regard to silencing your inner
critic is to always ask for evidence of its uncharitable claims. For example, if
your inner critic says “no one cares about you,” you should rightfully
respond with “prove it.” This alone will put a muzzle on your inner critic.
But let’s go one step further. In this example, remind yourself of all the
people in your life who do indeed care deeply for you. Think of family
members, friends, and even coworkers with whom you’ve worked for years.
They care about you because you’re a good person. You’re trustworthy, fair,
and responsible. Maybe you’re also compassionate, funny, and quick to
forgive. The point is, people care about you because they enjoy being around
you.
This is an example of replacing your inner pessimist with an inner
optimist. Doing so will influence how you view yourself, including your
capacity to have a positive impact on the world around you.
#7 - Regularly venture outside your comfort zone.
We tend to stick to things that are familiar to us. We visit the same
restaurants over and over. We participate in the same activities with our
friends whenever we spend time with them. We even stay in unhealthy
relationships, largely because we know what to expect. Uncertainty is always
uncomfortable, and most of us try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.
The problem is, staying inside our comfort zone insulates us from
experiences that may hold valuable lessons. If we never try new things nor
take calculated risks, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to grow. If we
continually cocoon ourselves from uncertainty, we never give ourselves a
chance to truly develop mental toughness, tempered by life’s unplanned
complications.
Even after we develop mental toughness, it’s easy to fall back into this
bad habit. No one relishes feeling uncomfortable or exposed to uncertainty.
We naturally favor predictability. It poses less risk to us.
That’s a problem when it comes to maintaining your newly-toughened
mindset. As noted above, mental toughness is like a muscle that needs regular
exercise.
I recommend you look for opportunities to do small things that lie outside
your comfort zone. Get used to the discomfort that accompanies uncertainty.
You’ll train your mind that trying unfamiliar things won’t result in disaster.
On the contrary, new experiences can broaden your skill set, improve your
problem-solving ability, and boost your confidence that you can overcome
any obstacles you encounter.
#8 - Test your ability to master new skills.
Venturing outside your comfort zone can (and should) take the form of
learning new skills. By doing so, you train your mind that nothing is beyond
your capacity to learn, and even master with time. This acknowledgement
will reinforce your mental toughness, preventing atrophy when times are
good and absent of stress.
For example, suppose you’ve never prepared a meal. The idea of starting
with raw ingredients and cooking something edible is intimidating to you.
This feeling is directly connected to your lack of familiarity working in the
kitchen.
Now, let’s say you decide to venture outside your comfort zone in this
area. You’re committed to cooking dinner for yourself. You do so, and lo and
behold the meal isn’t bad. In fact, it’s quite good. So, you do it again the
following night. And again the night after that. The more you do it, the better
you get. Eventually, you become skilled in the kitchen.
This process involves desensitization. It gives you a chance to confront
your fears through repeated exposure. Along the way, it allows you to master
something that once seemed daunting to you. The result? Not only will you
have acquired a new skill, but you’ll have also boosted your confidence that
you can learn practically anything. This belief in yourself will reinforce your
resolve whenever you face adversity and unfamiliar circumstances.

M AINTAINING mental toughness is just as important as developing it in the

first place. It’s a frame of mind that will benefit you in every area of your life.
That being so, it’d be a tragedy to let this “muscle” waste away from nonuse,
especially after the hard work you put in to develop it.
These exercises are designed to help keep this muscle strong. As long as
it remains so, you’ll be able to rely on it whenever life presents you with
unanticipated challenges and obstacles.

1 Hölzel B.K.; Ott U.; Hempel H.; Hackl A.; Wolf K.; Stark R.; Vaitl D. (2007). "Differential
engagement of anterior cingulate cortex and adjacent medial frontal cortex in adept meditators and
nonmeditators". Neuroscience Letters.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S030439400700451X
 FINAL THOUGHTS ON DEVELOPING MENTAL
TOUGHNESS

A ll of us encounter setbacks and misfortune. They’re inevitable. What

matters is how we respond to them.
We don’t control most of what happens to us during any given day.
We can plan how we want things to progress, create exhaustive to-do lists,
and even rehearse how we’ll respond to potential issues. But ultimately,
we’re flying blind.
When life throws us a curve ball, a predicament that deviates from our
plans, we’re left with two options: adapt with resolve or react with emotion.
Top performers in every area of life choose the former.
It’s not easy. No one is born with innate resolve. No one is gifted at birth
with emotional mastery and psychological resilience. We learn these things
by experiencing obstacles, pressure, and distress. Just as steel is tempered in
fire, our minds are tempered by adversity. We’re toughened by hardship and
discomfort.
The goal of The Mental Toughness Handbook has been to streamline, and
thereby optimize, this process. Rather than letting life’s unpredictable curve
balls dictate the growth of your mental toughness, you’ve chosen to control
your progress. You’ve opted to steer your own ship.
And that’s something to celebrate.
Many people believe themselves to be mentally tough, but lack the grit
and tenacity that define this state of mind. Many others talk about becoming
mentally tough - and they even buy a book or two on doing so - but never
take the first step. Oftentimes, the books they’ve purchased remain unread on
their shelves (or on their phones and e-readers).
You’re different. You’ve read this book and (hopefully) done the
exercises. You’re committed to your personal growth in this critical area.
And if you continue to apply the strategies and tips you’ve read throughout
this book, you’ll find they pay lifelong dividends.
I have no doubt that soon people in your life will notice a remarkable
change in your mindset. Your friends, loved ones, and coworkers may even
be inspired by your example to develop their own mental toughness.
 DID YOU ENJOY READING THE MENTAL
TOUGHNESS HANDBOOK?

T hank you so much for taking the time to read The Mental Toughness
Handbook. We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? I sincerely hope
you’ve enjoyed the journey. It’s my profound hope that the advice and
exercises in this book help you to overcome any obstacle you encounter
throughout your life.
I have a favor to ask you.
If something in this book resonated with you, would you please take a
moment and leave a review on Amazon? Reviews may not matter to big-
name authors like David Allen, Timothy Ferriss, and Ray Dalio, but they’re a
tremendous help for little guys like myself. They encourage other folks to
read my books. Your words will go a long way toward persuading them.
Second, if you’d like to be notified when I release new books (typically at
a steep discount), please sign up for my mailing list at:

http://artofproductivity.com/free-gift/

You’ll receive immediate access to my 40-page PDF guide Catapult Your

Productivity: The Top 10 Habits You Must Develop To Get More Things
Done. You’ll also receive actionable advice on beating procrastination,
creating morning routines, avoiding burnout, developing razor-sharp focus,
and more!
If you have questions or would like to share a productivity tip that has
made a difference in your life, please feel free to reach out to me at
[email protected]. I’d love to hear about it!

Until next time,

Damon Zahariades
http://artofproductivity.com
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Damon Zahariades is a corporate refugee who endured years of unnecessary meetings, drive-by chats
with coworkers, and a distraction-laden work environment before striking out on his own. Today, in
addition to being the author of a growing catalog of productivity and lifestyle management books, he’s
the showrunner for the productivity blog ArtofProductivity.com.
Damon lives in Southern California with his beautiful, supportive wife and their frisky dog.
 OTHER BOOKS BY DAMON ZAHARIADES

The Mental Toughness Handbook

The Procrastination Cure
To-Do List Formula
The Time Management Solution
80/20 Your Life!
The Time Chunking Method
How to Make Better Decisions

The Art of Living Well series

The Art Of Saying NO
The Art of Letting GO
The Art of Finding FLOW

The 30-Day Productivity Boost series

The 30-Day Productivity Plan - VOLUME I
The 30-Day Productivity Plan - VOLUME II

Self-Help Books for Busy People series

Small Habits Revolution
The Joy Of Imperfection
The P.R.I.M.E.R. Goal Setting Method

Improve Your Focus and Mental Discipline series

Fast Focus
Morning Makeover
Digital Detox

Please visit ArtofProductivity.com for a complete list of titles and summaries. All titles are available for
purchase at Amazon.
Copyright © 2020 by Damon Zahariades

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any
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Art Of Productivity
http://www.artofproductivity.com