I heard you asked.....

And I

I decided, I decided to tell everyone about us but you are not here to tell your side of the story.... I
always wanted to be around you though I knew I wasn't the one. I wished and prayed that one day you
call me and say "I MISS YOU" but you only whisper that when we are making love, yeah I gave you my
body though I knew you wouldn't chose me, I gave you my body though I knew you wouldn't consider
that love, I gave you my body though I knew I wasn't the only one.

It's funny how things went so fast, how we met and the short conversation that we had, spent the
beautiful day around you admiring your look, your smell and that crooked smile that you gave. I knew it
from the start but still insisted to be, You were so honest and clear with me maybe because you elder
than me and really never wanted me to catch feelings for you but huh I did before you start thinking
about it. I know it wasn't real and I also knew it will end the moment I step out of room door but I loved
it, I loved the care, the jokes and the soft kisses. I knew it wasn't my mine but I wanted to live in your
arms forever. How I love your presence around me not forgetting that nice perfume that get stucks in
my body and when I get home everyone will be asking about that smell. It's crazy how I love to smell you
just like a mother that can't get enough of her child, she kisses her child as much as she can but still
won't get enough of that and that's how I feel around you. Like you are my child and I shouldn't stop
kissing you..

I know, I know!!

There's much difference in our age but age is just a number....then I mistakenly remember that you ain't
ready for marriage, you not ready to have a baby but there you are happily having unprotected intimacy
with me and if I get pregnant then that's my fault, why did I come to you when am productive, when my
eggs are ready to crack. I knew if I stand Infront of you and said am pregnant, your answer will probably
be "Congrats who's the father" or "You know am not ready for this so if you want to keep that's on you
and I will have nothing to do with this child though it's mine unless he or she is dead and if you don't
want to keep it then here's some money go do what you supposed to do" You wouldn't even follow up
with me to the hospital or ask how am doing after the abortion..... I know the truth hurts but it's me
hurting myself because after knowing all this things about you, I still come to hide at your shadows, I still
find your arms is the safest place for me. Yeah there's no shared emotions here but this man gave me
comfort in my hardest days.

I heard you said he is playing me ?!

No, this is the very first time that I don't regret what am doing or what I did. I did with all my heart and
desire. I wasn't under any threat or drugs I was sound minded. I walked to his house knowing the extend
of my feelings towards him. I accepted to see other girls with him and I accepted to be quiet when he
received a call from another lady. I wasn't even a side chick but I loved to hold his hand. I heard you said
he is playing me ? No, He is just being kind and gentle on my heart not like the guys that I meet before
him.. wait ! Did I tell you that he never asked about my ex's, did I tell you that even when I joke about
wanting something he provides! Did I tell you about soften is his voice when he gets mad at me. Did I tell
you how I kept him waiting in the streets for me ! Did I tell you about how he waits for me all night till I
come back from the club ! Did I tell you how he advices me about other men and I should act or treat
them ! Did I tell you about the fruits that I stole from his room or the lotion ! Did I tell you about how he
solved 95% of my problems if financially or physically not forgetting emotionally too ! Did I tell you about
how he divides his last money with me........ I heard you said he is playing me.

I heard you asked for his name A.G.W.A

His Name... when I see my phone rings with those 4 perfectly made words, it melts my heart. Calling
that name out feels so lovely. There were days when I would roll into my friend lists on FB and I see your
Name.. I had no hope But when I heard from you the other night it sounded different and your name
said it all. Remember I told you, you were the first tribe mate that I was so close to you and there you
are with your habits of not believing me. I smile when I think about you. It's not about the good in you
but the good that you have seen in me.

I heard you asked why I chose him

I remember he once told me... Girl you have put yourself in a high level and it's hard for you to accept
the truth but you are the type of ladies who will feel ashamed if you are to work as a waiter and many
other jobs. Which won't please your standards or your class.. He said you may forget your family and
your background if a rich man married you, he said be careful with what you are becoming because you
hold your future in your hands and you can destroy it anything with the wealthy life that you are
seeking. He said it will all be fixed one day but now get up go search for job because the job won't come
if you didn't take the actions, he said don't be ashamed of your work no matter what but instead be
happy and serve with all that you can. And the sweetest truth that he said was "MEN ARE NOT THE
SOLUTIONS" Yeah it hurt me a little but I needed to accept it to put myself right not because I want him
to feel like he owns the world with those words that he said but because I know all my focus was on
men and how I would attract more men so that they can spend on me and I reached a state where I felt
like I wasn't me anymore because I gave myself to men that I shouldn't have and if am to count them
with there names hell no.

I heard you asked why I chose him

He said. Girl not every man deserves to have intimacy with you, he said there are some men that don't
even deserve to see the color of your pants and one thing about me that only me knows is that I don't
like taking advices from people but I pretend to. It's the first time that I teared to hear my truth told
directly to me without any less or more, I felt bad but I knew I needed it, I needed it so bad that I didn't
sleep that night because his words kept me awake till sun rise.. No one has ever directed me so clear like
he did and I believe if I stay days around him, I will be someone in the future because his words break
and build at the same. It breaks down the negativity marking a great rise of positivity and actions. Am
not sure what you think about us at the moment but He makes Alot to me. Far away from saying that I
love him and want him to be mine forever deep inside me, I know that's the greatest lie that I have ever
said, why Cause he is a man of everyone and he is social but in a funny way. Believe me when I say it's
hard to find him, believe me when I say that you won't understand who is he exactly! Believe me when I
say it's hard not to fall for him. Believe me

I heard you asked how long will this be....

I love it but I wouldn't pray for it's forever because my heart isn't that strong yet and my mind won't
accept the thought of someone else feeling what am feeling now. I will be selfish, won't allow him to be
that social, won't accept to find a another ladies stuffs in our bedroom. I will be selfish, the fine ladies in
the club won't get him at the driveway because I will be beside him and if I wasn't there then I will be
home waiting for him to come back. I don't want it to end and I don't want it to stop, am confused but
one thing am sure about, once he gets rich, I won't be of his standards or class anymore so my number
will be blocked or he may change his sim cards and change his location too and that I know better than
anything else. Once he is rich , I will be a memory that won't be remembered though by mistake and if
he did remember then he will conclude saying " I don't know what I liked about her by then" I heard you
asked how long will this be...... Not so far from here

I heard you asked what I love about him

His honestly, his eyes and his soft touches that drive me crazy ... I love the fact that I don't own him and
he doesn't own me. I love the understanding between us. I love the body language. He is my world but
just for a little time.. And my body is his but not for long, love how he doesn't take his eyes off me when
am around him. And there's nothing to change about that......

Day 2

Came home today and I was so exhausted and the wishes of if you were here was louder. I needed to
talk, I needed some warm hugs and some everything will be fine. I needed you around me and not me
alone but every part of my body seeks you... Today I had some few guys calling me pretty but I only love
to hear it from you because I feel much prettier. They looked at me but with the eyes of benefits and
how I wished you were there because I wanted to see love... I wanted to find you.

I heard you asked

Day 3

It's only eight days since when we last met but it feels so long. It feels like so many months passed. So I
decided to call you finally but then I asked myself "" Why you calling him"" Why are you missing him"" I
don't know how I got so attached to him like that, I loved him but he gives me no attention, does he
even recognize my presence. A call from him it's so hard to get like what did I love??? Did I love the no
body treatment, Did I love the fact that he sleeps with me??? Did I love his talking or his beautiful
romance when we are together??? Why am I hurting myself by loving him yet I know there's no hope for
me and you. Why

I called it stupidity to love someone who doesn't notice if you are in the room but now am living it and
now I understand why they do. There's peace that I found in him and didn't find in anyone else. He is
special and my soul draws nearer to you daily.. I loved him without excepting to be loved back.. I will be
beside him thou he sees am not Enough for him. Thou as a friend please keep me close to you. Don't let
go of me.

Day 4

I thought I learned !!

I guess am having feelings for him, I mean too much feelings. I remember i last felt like this few years
back when I was with Kamilo but the good only difference he loved me. I wanna spend more time with
him, I wanna hear him call me babe, I wanna go for a date with him , I wanna see him get jealous when
other guys look at me. But that's a dream and I know am hurting myself daily. He that has no problem if I
go out with other man even though we have sexual intimacy he won't mind... He doesn't consider me
and I knew it from the very first day. I was curving him two days back so I called him and he said okay am
waiting for you then I wouldn't make it and was afraid too to tell him that, I know he is mad and that's
why he doesn't pick up my calls but it's his right because I wronged him. I seek his attention and when
he gives me I always mess up. I thought of calling you but no not today.

I heard you asked.....

I know that am lazy and stubborn but he teaches me lessons of life while I lay on his chest. I love how he
rubs his hands on me slowly while talking. Oh maybe I love the "what" then a kiss after it. No the most
favorite part is when you Says "sorry" for going hard on me. I love the smile, the angry face, the abusive
person that he turns to when annoy. I love the goodbye hug and kiss and the take care statement. I love
the sharing spirit that we have. The moment I knew you, it was understanding and growth that I gained
from you. It's the creative mindset that you own and the great skills that you give. If you were to be
awarded for very advice that you shared with others, You were to be the greatest and the richest in this
our land.

I heard you said he is a player

He owns a golden heart, a kind and a pure one. Yes he is working hard to achieve his goals but not on
the account of others. He suffers for very coin that he gets, I mean a person who goes hungry for days
and still puts smile on everyone's face and if he receives a call from others, all he says is " okay I will get
for you something" Sometimes the world judges us accordingly to the stories they hear from others.
They judge you the way they want not because that's you but because they can't be you. They said he
played girls yet he told them from the start am not ready for marriage, he told them I don't want kids
now, he told him I can't promise you with loyalty, he told them.... But still they wanted him just like me
but the difference here there's no love and affection between us. They got pregnant but I can't. They
shared some things in common like going out together or getting to know his friends but I did not. They
are pleased when they are mad yet I don't have a right to be annoy or complain because am stealing or
getting things which are not mine. I don't know why am so desperate for his love yet I know I can't
handle him as a boyfriend or husband. I don't know why am so addicted to his soul. I mean why lowing
my standards. When will I move on.

I heard you asked if I will ever tell him about my feelings

No, I don't want to be looked down at, I have a lot of feelings for him and wish he will be my husband
but I don't want my children to ask me alot of questions. I don't want to have one man in my life while
he has alot. He is cute and everything but how can I ignore him for so long yet he helps me through alot.

Today is Sunday 17th of March

After days of stress and days away from here ...

I heard you asked what happened 😞

Two months passed without my period and I did check up and everytime it was negative and I
remember the other day, first thing in the morning that he told me was " Go do check up,you
may give birth to an eight old man later" and I laughed and replied " There's nothing I did a
check up already" And we completed our day peacefully and with much love. The next day I
came home and I thought of his words and I did the check up but this time it wasn't like always.
I was positive...... I smiled and cried at same time. I smiled because after years of hearing that
am not fruitful has ended and I cried because I knew, he wasn't ready for us. And out of my
fear, I called him and asked for a meet up but he was busy and so it was at night when I told
him that am pregnant and so sadly his words were so hurting that broke me to pieces in just
seconds but then he said okay " what are you planning to do" he said " for me you can't keep
that baby but it's you to decide" and out of selfishness I replied ""I don't want the baby either
""

And he told me if you need anything tell me.....few days passed and again I called him and
asked for hospital pills money and he sent me. I did everything and then went to his place. And
there I found someone else, someone who didn't eat for three days after knowing am pregnant,
someone who doubted if he was the baby's father, someone who was afraid to lose everything
that he worked for paying a pride price for me, someone who was shaking like he was the
pregnant not me. For a second I wanted to tell him """ it's me who is pregnant, it's me who is in
danger of losing life if I do anything stupid""" And there I saw a different man from the one that
I loved, a different man

And after agreeing not to keep the baby, I just wanted to have some little time with my baby
before I make him/her go. My little angel was only 10weeks and four days when I knew about
him/her. But the father was against that and wanted my baby to die before another day of
grows into my womb.

And my baby was 12weeks now when the father angrily insulted me because I was still keeping
the baby and after he said "" You are a big girl let me not shout at you, maybe you have plans
and you know what you are doing "" And I replied with my tearful voice, I wanted to sell my
phone to get the abortion pills because am not finding money this days. And then he was silent
and said "" Don't sell your phone, I will get you money in the evening "" And he came and gave
me the money but still I wouldn't give up on my baby that quick and I waited till I was 12weeks
and five days...

On 14th March That early morning hours at 4:38, the medicine worked and my baby was dead, but they
didn't tell me it was gonna be that way. It was horrible and so scary. My baby came out of me and I
wanted to shout out to my mom but I remembered, I didn't tell her that I was pregnant from the start.
And my little baby boy was laying lifeless in the toilet floor. The little fingers, ohhh his tiny feet and the
big head my baby boy had .. how I wished I didn't abort you my baby Nathan. I called you Nathan yet I
didn't accept what God has given me. And that morning I was so stressed and traumatized from what
happened and I called him but he didn't take my calls. Then later he called and I told him "" am coming
to your place "" and he said "" okay "". I reached there and I slept off in pain and woke up to the sound
of door knocks and it was him. He came inside and said hi and asked me what can I get for you and I said
mango juice. We stayed together and he was looking at me and same as I but no one spoke a word not
until evening and he dressed up and said am going out and he sat near me and asked ""Did you do what
you wanted to do???? And I stood up and brought my phone, I wanted to show him the picture of baby
Nathan but I was afraid and I replied saying "" I got the required medicines"" and he said angrily that's
not the answer to my question, and I said to him YES I DID

and I felt the peace and the release that he felt while I was feeling guilty and trauma was killing me but
he felt nothing from that. The bleeding, the pain and the guilt it was on me alone, only me. I knew that
he didn't care yet deep inside I was in his thoughts sometimes, I can't say daily because I know am not
the only one. To me it was the first pregnancy but to him, I was the number 23 or 26 maybe. Apart from
the six or seven kids that he has with different women out there......
I heard you asked !!