Table of Contents

Praise
ALSO BY SANDRA PERTOT, PHD
Title Page
DISCLAIMER
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Introduction

Chapter 1 - NORMAL? WHAT’S NORMAL?

THE NEW “NORMAL”
THE AMAZING DIVERSITY IN HUMAN SEXUALITY
ANOTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT NORMAL
SEXUAL PROBLEMS VS. SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS
WHEN LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH

Chapter 2 - THE DRIVING FORCE

THE WAY WE ARE
THE FUNDAMENTALS OF DIFFERENT LIBIDO TYPES
AN ALTERNATIVE APPROACH TO THE ASSESSMENT AND
TREATMENT OF SEXUAL PROBLEMS
HOW THE FOLLOWING CHAPTERS ARE ORGANIZED

Chapter 3 - THE SENSUAL LIBIDO

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE SENSUAL LIBIDO TYPE

Chapter 4 - THE EROTIC LIBIDO

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE EROTIC LIBIDO TYPE

Chapter 5 - THE DEPENDENT LIBIDO

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE DEPENDENT LIBIDO TYPE

Chapter 6 - THE REACTIVE LIBIDO

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE REACTIVE LIBIDO TYPE

Chapter 7 - THE ENTITLED LIBIDO

 RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE ENTITLED LIBIDO TYPE

Chapter 8 - THE ADDICTIVE LIBIDO

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE ADDICTIVE LIBIDO TYPE

Chapter 9 - THE STRESSED LIBIDO

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE STRESSED LIBIDO

Chapter 10 - THE DISINTERESTED LIBIDO

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE DISINTERESTED LIBIDO
TYPE

Chapter 11 - THE DETACHED LIBIDO

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE DETACHED LIBIDO TYPE

Chapter 12 - THE COMPULSIVE LIBIDO

Chapter 13 - THE CYCLE OF MISUNDERSTANDING

THE CYCLE OF MISUNDERSTANDING
REVERSING THE CYCLE OF MISUNDERSTANDING

Chapter 14 - THE EXERCISES: UNDERSTANDING YOUR

MISMATCHED LIBIDOS
SECTION I: - Your Preferred Sex Life and Your Dissatisfaction with
Your ...
SECTION II: - Typing Yourself and Your Partner
SECTION III: - Identifying the Areas of Misunderstanding
SECTION IV: - Reasons to Stay, Reasons to Leave
SECTION V: - The Possibilities
WHAT HAPPENS IF THINGS DON’T CHANGE?

Chapter 15 - SHARING YOUR DISCOVERIES: THE TALK

FOR THOSE WHOSE PARTNER HAS NOT PARTICIPATED SO
FAR
THE TALK
THE RULES
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
 LET’S BEGIN: DISCOLSURE
NEXT: DETAILING THE MISMATCH
DISCOVERING YOUR MISINTERPRETATIONS
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

Chapter 16 - BEYOND THE TALK: BUILDING YOUR INTIMATE

RELATIONSHIP
LIBIDO TYPES AND COMPATIBILITY
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHANGE
MAXIMIZE THE POSITIVES, MINIMIZE THE NEGATIVES
YOU AND YOUR PARTNER

Chapter 17 - MAINTAINING A MUTUALLY SATISFYING SEX LIFE

USING THE CYCLE OF MISUNDERSTANDING MAP
HAVING THE TALK AGAIN
INTO THE FUTURE

RECOMMENDED READING
INDEX
Copyright Page
 PRAISE FOR
Dr. Sandra Pertot:
“[In Perfectly Normal] Dr. Pertot tackles the bugaboo of low sexual
desire without blaming women—or men. Tap into her gentle
questions and commonsense solutions. You’ll find encouragement for
a more intimate, nurturing lifestyle rather than endurance exercises to
ramp up your physical performance.”
—Gina Ogden, PHD, MFT,
author of Women Who Love Sex and The Heart
and Soul of Sex: Making the ISIS Connection

[When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match] brings biblio therapy to a new
level. Dr. Pertot provides the reader with a framework of libido types
that makes sense and facilitates an understanding of the dynamics that
are work in relationships that contribute to mismatched desire patterns
and anxiety concerning the initiation of sexual encounters. Most
couples experience periods of desire discrepancy in their relationship.
This book offers the reader insights into the problem, and hints that
can help reestablish priorities and increase intimacy.”
—Howard J. Ruppel, MPH, PHD, DACS,
Clinical Sexologist, and Chancellor & Academic Dean,
Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality
SANDRA PERTOT, PHD, is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist with
over thirty years of experience who specializes in problems of libido,
particularly as they relate to couples. She has worked in a variety of clinical
settings and has her own private practice. She is the author of Perfectly
Normal: Living and Loving with Low Libido and has written for many
publications in the United States and Australia, including Woman’s Day and
Penthouse. Pertot lives in New South Wales, Australia.
 ALSO BY SANDRA PERTOT, PHD
Perfectly Normal: Living and Loving with Low Libido

A Commonsense Guide to Sex

 DISCLAIMER
The information in this book is intended to help readers make informed
decisions about their health and the health of their loved ones. It is not
intended to be a substitute for treatment by or the advice and care of a
professional health care provider. While the author and publisher have
endeavored to ensure that the information presented is accurate and up-to-
date, they are not responsible for adverse effects or consequences sustained
by any persons using this book.
To the new generation, who bring such joy.
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
THERE ARE ALWAYS many people who play a vital role in the writing
and publication of a book.
My agent, Robbie Anna Hare, as always, supported and encouraged me
from the first time I outlined my ideas for this book and guided me through
the early stages of formulating these ideas into a neat and comprehensive
proposal. Next, I am most grateful to Matthew Lore, vice president and
publisher for Marlowe & Company, who saw possibilities in my original
concept and helped me shape it into its present form. My thanks also go to
Peter Jacoby and Renée Sedliar, my editors at Marlowe, who have been a
delight to work with and have been patient and meticulous collaborators.
Joanne Slike has also been a tremendous help.
I have been extremely lucky to have spent more than thirty years in a
profession that has always been intriguing and satisfying. A large part of
my enjoyment of my profession has been the privilege of sharing so many
good peoples’ lives. Without their trust, this book could never have been
written.
And finally, my deepest thanks go to my family and friends, who give me
the meaning for it all.
 INTRODUCTION
WE LOVE EACH other, but . . .

Do you feel hurt, rejected, or frustrated by your partner’s attitudes to sex

or what he or she seems to want, or not want, in sex? Even though you love
each other, do you worry that your partner doesn’t love you or find you
attractive because he or she rarely initiates sex? Do you feel offended by
some things your partner wants to do during sex or refuses to do? If so, you
are not alone; many couples are in the same position.
In an age when there is so much information about sex, it might seem
strange to say that there is still significant sexual ignorance in our society,
but that is the case. This ignorance isn’t about our bodies and the mechanics
of sex and reproduction as it was a few decades ago. Today’s lack of
knowledge arises from expectations of how our bodies should work and
what should be happening in our sex lives. If we don’t perform sexually as
we think we should or our partner doesn’t meet our sexual needs so that we
don’t get the sex life we want, surely something is wrong somewhere. After
all, aren’t there countless books and articles that tell us we can have great
sex if we just follow the right advice? So why isn’t it working for us?
The problem is that, despite all the in-your-face focus on sex in our
society and our tendency to believe that we live in a liberated, “switched
on” sexual culture, there is a glaring contradiction in our attitudes to sex.
On one hand, if you ask any sex therapist whether people are all the same
sexually, you will always get, “Of course not; everyone is different.” Yet if
you look at the way sex is portrayed in our society—from movies, books,
the Internet, and even self-help books written by sex therapists—you get the
message that there is one way to have great sex—he should last a long time,
she should come easily, sex is hot and passionate—and everyone can do this
if they put enough effort into it or love each other enough.
So, despite apparently celebrating sexual variety, the effect of all this is to
blur individual differences and promote sameness.
 Surprisingly, now the most common sexual problem is not low libido,
rapid ejaculation, or difficulty with orgasm: it is that people are not
prepared for the extent of individual differences in human sexuality. When
you enter into a relationship with a partner whose sexual wants and needs
are unlike your own, you do not know how to interpret this discrepancy or
to resolve the mismatch to achieve a mutually satisfying sex life. The
resulting hurt and confusion can lead to doubts about your sexuality and the
depth of your love for each other.
This question of why, despite apparent advances in our knowledge of sex,
there are so many couples struggling to achieve sexual happiness has
challenged me across my more than thirty years as a sex therapist. Back in
the early 1970s, I was one of the first psychologists trained in the new field
of sex therapy, and I’ve been both an observer and a participant in the
process of change in the cultural stereotype of sexuality ever since.
Before sex therapy, if an individual couldn’t function sexually or didn’t
want or enjoy sex, it was assumed that there was trauma in the person’s
background that caused this. Unfortunately, traditional psychotherapy didn’t
have a good success rate in curing sexual problems. The separate discipline
of sex therapy developed as a direct consequence of this failure. It is based
on the assumption that sexual unhappiness is due to sexual ignorance and
inhibition, and this led to a detailed program of sex education, including in-
depth information about the physiology of sexuality and suggestions on
how to improve lovemaking, as the main approach to combat sexual
problems.
There is no doubt that teaching people about the basics of sex and
providing information about sexual techniques led to a dramatic
improvement in the quality of many couples’ sex lives. But, strangely, the
effect of this advance seems to have worn off, as we soon took that
knowledge for granted and looked beyond the basics to see what else might
make sex fun. New ideas about sex—oral sex, partner swapping, vibrators,
bondage, and discipline—were explored and embraced to add spice to many
sexual relationships. The age of “hot sex” had begun. Then a new problem
emerged: not everyone wanted to take advantage of these exciting options,
or even if they wanted to, they didn’t get much out of them.
In a sense then, we have come full circle, as we now question why some
individuals aren’t interested not only in all this sexual variety but even in
having so-called “regular” (meaning conventional) sex. Once more we look
into the individual’s history to try to work out why this person doesn’t fit
our current ideas about normal sex—surely there must be some trauma in
their childhood, we say—and the cycle continues.
This doesn’t mean that it is a waste of time to look into our past histories,
just that we must be very cautious. Identifying causes can be an interesting
process, and this may point to solutions in the present, but often it isn’t
useful. It is true, for example, that coming from an inhibited background
may shape your sexuality, but there are people with that history who don’t
have any sexual problems as adults, which suggests that sometimes it is a
coincidence that a person has a troubled background and has later sexual
difficulties.
In the end what really matters when it comes to dealing with the sexual
problems you and your partner are struggling with is identifying what is
happening now, understanding the current issues, exploring strategies that
might help, and then being honest about what you are prepared to do to
address the distress you are feeling in your sexual relationship. Even people
with secure, happy personal histories can end up in unsatisfying sexual
relationships, because it is how your individual sexuality interacts with your
partner’s that defines what is a problem and what isn’t. What you need to
know, then, is who are you? What are your sexual wants and needs, and
how do they match or mismatch with those of your partner?
This is why I have written this book. In my first book, A Commonsense
Guide to Sex, which was published in 1985, I wrote that common sense tells
us that people are different and they want and need different things from
sex. Sexual expression takes many forms in different people, often even in
the same person at different times in his or her life. I’ve been fascinated
with the issue of difference rather than sameness ever since. This has led me
to develop my theory that the sexual issues that couples struggle to deal
with are usually not evidence of individual pathology or relationship
problems but reflect the fact that just as there are different personality types,
there are different sexual types. I call them libido types.
This book explores how these differences in sexuality can be described
and understood and what strategies you and your partner can use to try to
bridge these differences and promote a harmonious sex life. I have
developed the concept of libido types to offer a new way of thinking about
the sexual problems that cause you and your partner such distress. Think
about how you relate to your friends and family who have different
personality types: Is there only one way of having a good friendship, or a
loving family relationship? The same is true for your sexual relationship.
Libido typing allows you to understand what is important to you in sex and
how that might be the same or different to your partner’s priorities. If you
are prepared to put aside the stereotype of what a good sex life should be
like and to take the time to explore your own sexuality and to be curious
about your partner’s sexuality, you will find that using libido typing allows
you to open up new lines of communication and challenge hurtful
misinterpretations to discover hidden strengths in your relationship. As with
singers who are in harmony, a harmonious sex life is not necessarily one in
which you are both wanting and doing exactly the same things in the same
way, but one that is characterized by blending the strengths that you each
have to create an agreeable and pleasing sex life.
WHAT YOU WILL FIND IN THIS BOOK
THIS BOOK WILL help you change the way you deal with the areas of
incompatibility in your sexual relationship. The early chapters give you
food for thought, the next chapters introduce the specific libido types, and
the later chapters provide valuable exercises to help both you and your
partner recognize your types and learn how to promote a mutually
satisfying sex life. As tempting as it might be to head straight for the
chapter on the libido type that seems to describe you, to get the most out of
the book, I encourage you to start at the beginning and read all the way
through to make sure that you don’t miss information that may be relevant
to your specific situation.
The first chapter, “Normal? What’s Normal?” delves into arguments
about what is sexually normal and what isn’t—that is, when a sexual
problem is a sexual dysfunction. It also celebrates the amazing diversity in
human sexuality. You’ll learn a new way of thinking about sexual problems
and will be introduced to my theory of the ten libido types.
Chapter 2, “The Driving Force,” delves into the intriguing topic of the
human sex drive: why do we feel the desire to cooperate with another
human being to have sex? It explores how sex drive is not just a physical
lustiness but a complex interaction of stimulation via our senses, what we
think about sex at that moment, and how we feel emotionally. My concept
of libido types describes these differences and promotes an equal but
different framework to address the conflict that often arises between two
people whose sexual wants and needs are very different.
 Chapters 3 through 12 introduce each of the ten libido types and offer a
preliminary insight into potential areas of misunderstanding and
misinterpretation in a relationship. Here’s a brief overview:
• Chapter 3 addresses the Sensual libido type, which values emotional
connection above sexual performance. Sex is an important part of
the relationship for Sensual lovers, but it is more important for them
to know that their partner is happy to be physically intimate with
them as an expression of their love and commitment to each other
rather than what is actually done during sex.
• The Erotic libido type (chapter 4) believes that sex should be intense
and passionate, at least some of the time. Mild Erotic lovers can
cope with periods of ordinary sex, provided there are regular
opportunities for adventurous and sizzling sex, while strong Erotic
lovers believe that intense erotic sex is a cornerstone of a good
relationship and get little pleasure out of low-key sex.
• The Dependent libido type (chapter 5) needs sex to cope with daily
life. Typically the Dependent lover has used masturbation in the
teenage years to cope with bad feelings such as stress, boredom, or
anxiety. As an adult this dependence to cope with negative feelings
continues, but the Dependent lover may not recognize this and
interpret the partner’s unwillingness to go along with sex whenever
he needs it as lack of love and caring.
• Individuals with a Reactive libido (chapter 6) get most satisfaction
from pleasing their lover during sex. Either the Reactive lover has
low sexual needs but gains genuine pleasure from keeping her
partner happy or he needs to see his partner aroused in order to
become aroused himself.
• Entitled lovers (chapter 7) assume that it is their right to get what
they want in their sexual relationship. Some Entitled lovers are
influenced by the idealization of sex in our culture and believe that
everyone else is having hot, great sex so they are entitled to it as
well, but others don’t think much about sex other than to expect to
have it when they want it.
• People with an Addictive libido (chapter 8) find it difficult to resist
the lure of sex outside their long-term relationships. The essential
characteristic of the Addictive libido, like any addiction, is that the
behavior has control over them rather than vice versa, and some feel
 distressed by their actions, while others feel what they are doing is
acceptable. An Addictive lover may not be continuously having sex
outside his relationship, but when the opportunity is there he finds
reasons to pursue it.
• A Stressed libido (chapter 9) may be present from the beginning of a
person’s sex life, or it may develop over time from other libido types
where the individual previously experienced regular sexual desire.
Stressed lovers feel under pressure to perform and constantly worry
that they are sexually inadequate in some way. The Stressed lover
increasingly avoids sex for fear of failure, even though he may still
feel sexual desire, which some find easier to satisfy with
masturbation.
• Some people have always had little or no interest in sex, while others
find their sex drive dwindles over the years. The Disinterested libido
type (chapter 10) may develop from a Stressed libido type, where
sex has become so distressing that any sexual interest disappears.
However, many people have a naturally occurring low physical
libido. Sometimes this is associated with little or no pleasure if they
do have sex, but for others, they can become aroused and enjoy sex
once they get into it.
• The Detached libido type (chapter 11) usually feels sexual desire but
is too preoccupied with other life issues to seek out partnered sex,
usually masturbating to relieve sexual frustration because it is the
simple solution. The Detached lover’s withdrawal from partnered
sex may be the result of a sense of overwhelming stress from
financial or work pressure, or it may reflect unresolved issues in the
couple’s relationship.
• While the Erotic lover wants to explore all the wondrous variety of
sexual activities that are now openly discussed in our society, the
Compulsive lover (chapter 12) has one main sexual object or
situation that triggers sexual arousal. In its mild form, the
Compulsive libido type takes advantage of opportunities to use the
specific sexual ritual that causes intense arousal, and in its stronger
form, the Compulsive lover can only arouse using the sexual object
or ritual. Some sexual compulsions can be incorporated into a sexual
relationship, but others, such as the compulsive use of Internet
pornography, exclude a partner.
 In chapter 13, “The Cycle of Misunderstanding,” I outline the process by
which two people with different libido types can find that their sexual
relationship becomes unsatisfying and tense, despite their love and
commitment to each other. Beginning with differences in expectations about
their sexual relationship, a couple with mismatched libidos often differ in
the appropriate initiation of sex, and their critical reaction to each other’s
wants and needs leads to hurt feelings. Communication is flawed by
misinformation about normal sexual function and sexual diversity, leading
to misinterpretation of each other’s sexuality. As a couple become more
defensive, each partner feels pushed to a more extreme position than he or
she really wants, resulting in polarization, which may lead to increasing
isolation and eventual separation.
Chapter 14, “The Exercises: Understanding Your Mismatched Libidos,”
contains crucial exercises and questions for you and your partner to work
through separately. The goal of this chapter is for you both to learn more
about your own sexuality before you discuss the issues together. By the end
of the chapter, you will know more about your libido type and will have
made your own assessment of your partner’s. The point to keep in mind
with these exercises is that a major source of the conflict between you is
misunderstanding each other’s sexuality, so the conclusions you come to
here are meant to provide a beginning for your discussion, not an ending.
Chapter 15, “Sharing Your Discoveries: The Talk,” is a critical chapter
that helps you and your partner discuss your sex life in a constructive and
nonjudgmental way. “The Talk” uses the information from the exercises
you did in the previous chapter as the basis for the discussion as you seek to
clarify what you each believe the problem is, where the gaps in your mutual
understanding lie, what you would like your partner to do to improve your
sexual relationship, and, most importantly, what you are prepared to do to
work toward a rewarding sex life.
Chapter 16, “Beyond the Talk: Building Your Intimate Relationship,”
uses the knowledge you have gained about yourself and your partner to
move into a broader discussion on building your intimate life together.
The final chapter, chapter 17, “Maintaining a Mutually Satisfying Sex
Life,” provides suggestions to help a couple recognize when they might
need to do some maintenance work on their sex life in order to continue
their mutually satisfying sex life in the future.
 By the end of the book, I hope that you have rediscovered the reasons
why you made your commitment to each other in the first place. By valuing
what is right and good between you, by appreciating what you each bring to
the sexual relationship instead of emphasizing what might be missing, you
can have a sustainable and harmonious relationship in the future.

Please note: Throughout this book in the profiles and in example, I will
switch gender from male to female and back. This is for ease of phrasing
and to highlight the fact that every libido type may be either male or female,
although some types are more likely to be one than the other and I’ve used
the gender most likely to be associated with that type or subtype. In
addition, the names and details in case studies have been changed to protect
people’s privacy.
 1
NORMAL? WHAT’S NORMAL?
WE LIVE IN a society that celebrates sex. Most of us would think this is a
good thing: We have access to information about all aspects of human
sexuality; sex is generally portrayed in a joyous, lighthearted way; and
couples are encouraged to enthusiastically explore variety in techniques and
scenarios in order to build a lasting and satisfying sexual relationship. Freed
from the restrictions and inhibitions of past generations, we surely have the
best chance of developing a society where people are able to explore their
sexual potential and achieve sexual contentment.
And yet . . . it hasn’t worked out that way. Sex research tells us that there
are almost as many people who are worried about and dissatisfied with their
sex lives now as there were in the middle of last century, and sex therapists
seem to be getting busier rather than heading toward being redundant.
THE NEW “NORMAL”
ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT seem that Western society has become more
liberated and sophisticated in its sexual attitudes and practices, this is only
half the story. Even if we differ from previous generations in terms of our
willingness to push the boundaries of sexual experimentation, this doesn’t
mean that we are any more objective or tolerant. What we have done is
create a new stereotype—the “new” normal—to replace the old.
It wasn’t that long ago that a healthy, well-adjusted sexual individual was
expected to show restraint: Young people were advised to avoid the “self-
abuse” of masturbation, sex for the unmarried was frowned upon, and
married couples were to not even think about engaging in “aberrant”
behaviors such as oral sex. The sexual act was regarded as the expression of
married love, which should have been satisfying enough without needing
any extra time or activities to spice it up. In this framework it was those
people who didn’t enjoy this limited and controlled sex—either it held no
pleasure so they would rather avoid it, or it gave them a taste of other
possibilities that they wanted to explore—who were likely to be judged as
inadequate or deviant in some way.
Now, of course, we look back on those times with amusement and even
pity. A combination of social forces in the second half of last century led to
a complete turnaround in sexual expectations. The development of effective
contraception, the emergence of the women’s movement, the increasingly
sophisticated forms of mass media that presented to the public an idealized
portrayal of sex, even the establishment of the separate discipline of sex
therapy all have contributed to the creation of the new stereotype that sex
should be an overwhelming, intensely erotic, and passionate event for all
well-adjusted individuals of both sexes. “Normal” today means that a
person should have a regular and persistent physical sex drive, easy arousal,
strong erections and good control over ejaculation for males, powerful
orgasms, and a desire for variety and experimentation.
While the differences between the old and the new stereotypes are
interesting, it is what they have in common that is significant: They both
blur individual differences and allow for arbitrary judgments to be made
about who is “normal” and who might suffer from a sexual dysfunction.
Should every member of society be able to happily conform to the
prevailing definition of normal, and if he or she can’t, does that mean there
is something wrong with the person? Under the old definition, was a
woman who felt sexual desire being aggressive and unfeminine if she
initiated sex? Under the new, is she inhibited if she doesn’t? Is a man who
delays ejaculation for several minutes after penetration being an
inconsiderate lover because he is imposing on his wife, or a good lover
because surely that is what every woman enjoys? How are these issues
decided? It is very difficult to put aside our own cultural indoctrination and
answer such questions objectively. Of course, the trap is that we all believe
we are being objective and that everyone else is being biased.
The problem with societal stereotypes is that they are usually narrow and
often very rigid. Those people whose sexuality happens to conform to the
stereotype that dominates the society in which they live “win” in the
sexuality stakes, but those poor unfortunates who don’t conform “lose.”
People who don’t fit the stereotype can attract all sorts of labels:
inadequate, dysfunctional, abnormal, deviant, inhibited, and so on.
THE AMAZING DIVERSITY IN HUMAN SEXUALITY
LOOK AROUND AT your family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. What
is it about them that makes them who they are? Each person has a unique
set of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that distinguishes them from
everyone else. How similar are they, and how different? Although you
might not like some of them, or you might disapprove of some of the things
they do, and they may not do some things well, how many of them would
you judge as abnormal? Even your friends will have likes and dislikes that
you don’t agree with, or have quirks that irritate you, but you don’t use
these differences to judge them as inadequate.
Sexual abilities, preferences, and expression also have a wide range of
variation, which arise from the interaction of psychological, social, cultural,
and biological factors. The many ways in which people vary include how
often they want sex, why they want it, how they experience that feeling,
what activities they enjoy, sexual orientation, and how important sex is in
their lives. Blurring these individual differences and trying to make
everyone fit into the same sexual mold makes as much sense as saying that
everybody has to be the same personality type and have the same interests
and abilities or otherwise they are not normal.
It was this realization that led me to start seriously thinking about
developing a system of understanding and describing the many different
ways in which people can vary in their sexuality. If there are different
personality types, surely there are different sexuality types as well. I
developed the concept of “libido types” as a shorthand way of referring to
the sexual differences I observed in the clients I talked to over many years.
This term covers the collection of characteristics that make up your sexual
self: how important sex is to you, why you want it, what you get out of it,
what you enjoy, and so on. I use libido as the basis of the classification of
sexual types because it is the basis of all sexual behaviors—what motivates
an individual to engage in any sexual act. However, acknowledging the
importance of different types of sexuality was just the beginning of trying to
understand the complexity of human sexuality and to develop useful ways
of helping two partners with different sexual wants and needs achieve a
mutually satisfying sexual relationship. There were a few issues I had to
address before I could expand on the notion of equal but different libido
types.
ANOTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT NORMAL
TO BE GENUINELY inclusive and tolerant, our society has to recognize
that there are multiple definitions of adequate and normal, and those who
don’t fit the current sexual stereotypes—for example, individuals who are at
the lower end of the sexual functioning range or who have different forms
of sexual expression—nevertheless deserve to be treated with generosity
and respect. But does this mean that there is no such thing as a sexual
dysfunction, that everyone should be regarded as normal no matter how
they perform? Or are there any behaviors that could be considered essential
to sexual functioning, and therefore are a prerequisite for someone to be
regarded as being within the “normal” range?
If you think about all the societies across the world—from small, remote,
primitive cultures to large, high-tech societies; from strict religious cultures
to more secular nations—what do they all have in common with respect to
sexual beliefs and attitudes? What you find is that the shared views of
normal sexuality reduce to some exceptionally basic practices that are, not
surprisingly, related to reproduction: Men should feel desire, achieve an
erection, and ejaculate within the vagina, and women should participate in
sex. All other beliefs about willingness to have sex, frequency of sexual
behavior, triggers for sexual arousal, what activities are pleasurable, and so
on develop from social context.
From this perspective, the sexual dysfunctions for men are absent libido,
erectile dysfunction, and inability to ejaculate within the vagina (coming to
orgasm prior to penetration or not coming to orgasm at all), and for women
total refusal to have sex and inability to have intercourse. These disorders
may be caused by either physical and/or psychological difficulties. Other
sexual characteristics such as below-average libido, rapid ejaculation after
penetration, absent or infrequent orgasm for women, lack of enjoyment of
sexual variety, or any other aspect of sex do not necessarily indicate sexual
pathology of any kind. Beliefs about how often a person should be
interested in sex, who should initiate it, the meaning of sex, the appropriate
forms of sexual expression, and so on are not based on any biological
imperative but shift according to the time and place in which the individual
lives. As such, any decisions about what is normal and what isn’t reflect
personal values rather than universal truths.
From this perspective, it becomes obvious that there must be many, many
ways of being normal. Begin with just one of those variables. For example,
how often you are interested in sex? Do you want sex once every month?
Once a day? More often than that, or less often? Then let’s add in what
activities you enjoy: Are you comfortable with a usual routine, or do you
crave variety and long sessions of passionate sex? Is the main satisfaction
you get from sex the emotional intimacy or the physical release? We don’t
have to continue any further with this exercise to conclude that all the
possible combinations give us an incredible variety in normal sexual
individuality. Yet despite this seemingly infinite array of differences, I
found that patterns emerged showing that some characteristics are more
likely to be linked than others. From this, I developed my theory of libido
types, and I identified ten main types around the particular theme of the
nature of the individual’s sex drive.
Although I am emphasizing an individual’s right to his own sexuality,
this isn’t to say that values aren’t important: A society would descend into
chaos if everyone felt free to behave in any way that took his fancy. There
has to be agreed standards of behavior in any society for the safety and
protection of its members. Individuals have the right to be treated with
respect, to refuse to participate in an activity that is not acceptable, to reject
attempts at sexual intimidation, and to protect themselves from sexual
abuse. However, by far, the majority of the people I have talked with over
the years want to have a mutually respectful relationship but find
themselves in conflict when they continually misunderstand what each
other wants and needs.
SEXUAL PROBLEMS VS. SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS
REASSURING SOMEONE THAT there really isn’t anything wrong with
her certainly isn’t guaranteed to make everything alright in her sex life.
There’s a scene in the film When Harry Met Sally that says it all. Sally
(Meg Ryan) decides to demonstrate to a disbelieving Harry (Billy Crystal)
that women certainly can convincingly fake orgasm. She begins to move
and moan in an ecstatically erotic way to prove her point, reaching an
apparent orgasmic crescendo, completely ignoring the fact that they are in a
crowded restaurant at the time. As a waitress asks another customer what
she wants to order, the reply is “I’ll have what she’s having!” Like that
woman, we read about great sex, see it in the movies, and are promised
magnificent sex by sex experts, so why shouldn’t we expect to be the sexual
person we want to be, and get the sex life we fantasize about?
This dissatisfaction with who we are and what is happening in our sex
lives is creating new challenges for sex therapy. Some therapists have
responded to this pressure from clients to help them get the sex life they
want by claiming to have developed programs that will guarantee to
improve their sexual performance. However, while the amount of control an
individual has over his sexuality is the subject of debate, common sense
suggests that it would be limited and that, as with any other ability, the
extent of any change an individual can achieve would be restricted by the
person’s sexual potential. Can every person who experiences little interest
in sex make herself feel enthusiastic, or those with strong sexual desire feel
disinterest, even if she can choose to behave as if she does? Can you expect
your partner to enjoy the same activities that you do, even if he will go
along with it? But if you aren’t getting the sex life you want, surely there is
something wrong somewhere?
To unravel this tangled web of sexual unhappiness, dysfunction,
expectations, and hope, we need to begin by clarifying some terminology.
At the present time, the terms sexual problem and sexual dysfunction are
often used interchangeably, but it is more useful to restrict sexual
dysfunction to the disruption of the basic sexual behaviors as we have
discussed and to apply sexual problem to cover all cases—including the
presence of a sexual dysfunction—in which an individual or couple is
unhappy, worried, or distressed about some aspect of their sex life. Thus,
many people who consult a sex therapist have a sexual problem even
though they are functioning normally.
This approach provides objective criteria for diagnosing when something
has gone wrong with your sexual performance and then throws everything
else into the melting pot of human sexual diversity. All the individual quirks
and characteristics, the range of sexual attitudes and beliefs, and the
activities that people enjoy or want to try are placed on an equal footing.
The challenge for you and your partner, if you want to form a committed
and lasting relationship, is to work out how to have a sexual relationship
that accommodates these differences instead of straining against them.
Unfortunately, attempts to discuss the issues frequently get sidetracked by
trying to lay blame on each other (or yourself) for your dissatisfaction and
unhappiness. Sometimes the one who is closest to the current norms may
take the high moral ground: “I’m normal, so you must be the problem,”
leaving the other feeling disempowered in the conflict, and the discussion
becomes one-sided.
If you and your partner move into an equal but different framework, you
are more likely to avoid the bitterness and resentment that comes with
believing the other person is denying you the sexual relationship you want.
The concept of equal but different libido types utilizes the old theory of
compatibility/incompatibility rather than right/wrong or normal/abnormal
and allows you to be less judgmental as you explore your options. Not
clouded by fears of inadequacy and failure, your issues come more clearly
into focus: Do your sexual differences complement each other, or are they
too far apart to allow for a mutually satisfying sex life?
 WHEN LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH
THE MAJORITY OF couples who consult me about the distress in their
sexual relationship are good people who are doing the best they can. They
don’t mean to be hurtful to each other, but they don’t know how to bridge
the differences in their sexual needs and wants. They talk, they sometimes
argue, they try various strategies, but they really don’t understand each
other and end up back at square one.
The problem is that they may be talking, but do they understand what
each other is saying? For example, we use the term libido as if it has the
same meaning for everyone, that all individuals experience it in the same
way, want sex for the same reasons, want the same enjoyment from sex, and
get the same satisfaction from a sexual encounter, but this isn’t the case, and
therein lies the source of much of the hurt and confusion.
Take the case of Felicity and Paul. Felicity believed that Paul didn’t find
her attractive because he wasn’t hot for her and wanting sex with her most
days; Paul felt inadequate because he didn’t need sex as often as Felicity.
Similarly, Lucas felt rejected by Linda because she objected to his frequent
sexual touching: what he saw as expressing affection, she interpreted as
being groped. Misunderstandings such as these are typical of the couples
who know they care about each other but can’t get past their own specific
interpretation of the other’s sexuality. This can set off a painful cycle of
distress that worsens over time, until their relationship is threatened.
Libido typing is a tool to help couples in these situations challenge their
own assumptions about the meaning of any sexual action and interpret each
other’s sexual wants and needs without the emotional heat of personalizing
these differences in the way that Felicity and Paul and Lucas and Linda
have. What was interesting about these couples is that they were each quite
different personality types, yet they were able to make allowances for the
way their partner behaved because they knew these behaviors weren’t
directed at them personally. Felicity might sometimes be embarrassed about
Paul’s extroverted ways, and Lucas was occasionally exasperated by
Linda’s tendency to make what he considered rash decisions based on
emotion rather than logic, but they dealt with these differences in a tolerant,
sometimes even bemused, way, and apart from their sexual conflicts, their
relationships thrived.
I believe that it is not only sensible but essential to extend this
understanding, tolerance, and generosity into our sexual relationships. The
acceptance of different libido types makes this process easier: People are
different just because they are, not because there is anything wrong with
them.
 2
THE DRIVING FORCE
WHAT MAKES TWO people cooperate together to use their bodies for
sexual pleasure? This isn’t a question we usually give much thought to, but
if you think about it from an objective point of view, the act of sex is a little
odd. From our perspective, it’s the natural thing to do, but I wonder what
visitors from another planet would make of the whole process?
The short answer to why people want to have sex and what they get from
it is that human beings are genetically programmed to procreate via the
process of sexual intercourse, and therefore motivation to engage in sex is
built in, but in reality, it doesn’t seem that straightforward. Some people
want sex a lot, others rarely; some orgasm easily, and for some it is a
struggle. If sex is just about achieving a pregnancy, what is oral sex about,
or homosexuality? And why are we even bothering with sex if we are using
contraception? Clearly, sex in the human species has developed beyond
merely a biological act that is only motivated by the need to reproduce.
Although sex drive or libido (these terms are often used interchangeably)
is commonly thought to be a physical urge for sex, in fact it is any
motivation that leads to the decision to have sex. While some animals act
on instinct alone, human behavior is also motivated by emotions and
thoughts, and it is these higher-order brain processes that have led to the
stunning complexity of human sexuality. This complexity allows for a
richness in meaning and experience that we assume is denied the rest of the
animal world. But these emotions and thoughts don’t spontaneously appear
in our brains as we mature toward adulthood. Above and beyond any
biological push and incentive of physical pleasure there is a learned
component to human sexuality.
At a broader level, our sexual beliefs and attitudes that underpin our
sexual desire develop in response to the general values of the culture in
which we are raised. For example, those of us who are raised in a society
that values romantic love are likely to reach adulthood associating sexual
desire with the expression of warm feelings of emotional connection, but
for others where marriage is arranged for social, political, or economic
reasons, sex drive may merely reflect marital duty. Societies in which sex is
strictly controlled may not seek sex in response to lighthearted desire but as
a more sober ritual to maintain the relationship and have children.
 Of course, these are generalizations, and some arranged marriages can
develop a depth of feeling that rivals any that occurs in a love match, and
economic motivation for sex is part of our culture too, whether it be a
marriage for material gain or the business of prostitution. But the reasons
for seeking sex are much broader than love versus duty or financial reward.
An individual’s decision to have sex can be based on emotions such as the
need for reassurance or comfort, thoughts such as, “This is a good
opportunity,” or “I want to make my partner happy,” and sensual cues such
as response to touch from a partner or internal sexual arousal. In addition,
just as these factors play a role in motivating humans to engage in sex with
a partner, they can also have a suppressing effect; for example, an emotion
of annoyance, a thought that it is too much hassle, or a physical sensation of
fatigue can lead to lack of physical desire or a decision to avoid sex even if
physical desire has occurred. Do you, for example, find your sex drive goes
up when you are relaxing on vacation, or when you and your partner have
had a pleasant, intimate night out? In contrast, how eager are you to have
sex if you are annoyed with your partner despite feeling physical desire or if
you have had a toothache for a few days?
The following table represents a simple model for the interaction of
thoughts, feelings, and sensual cues that trigger a decision about sexual
activity:
ENHANCING SUPPRESSING

SENSES

Influence of hormones Fatigue

Appreciation of touch Irritated by touch
Erotic pictures Uncomfortable environment

EMOTIONS

Love for partner Annoyed by partner

Need for comfort Preoccupied
Overall feeling of well-being Anger

THOUGHTS

“Hey, we’ve got a few “I can’t be bothered.”

minutes to spare . . .”

“Great, we always have sex on “This isn’t a good time now.”

 Friday night!

“I’m not so keen, but I’m happy

“I don’t think I can turn on.”
to go along with it.”

With these few examples in each sector, it becomes obvious that there are
many combinations of thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that
make up your motivation to have or not have sex. There is no rule as to
which of these processes—thinking, emotions, or sensual cues—will be the
most significant. Each factor may modify the other, or one may dominate
completely; a simple example is the person who believes that sex is wrong
in a certain situation so does not act on physical and emotional pressures to
have sex. For some people it will depend on the circumstances of the time;
for others one modality will always be more powerful than the others.
To make it even more perplexing, sexual desire is not always directed
toward a sex partner at all. A person’s primary sexual need can be for solo
sexual activity using fantasy, erotic material, a specific object such as shoes,
or a ritual such as dressing up, or it can involve others in rituals such as
exhibitionism, bondage and discipline, partner swapping, or group sex, and
these are only a few of the activities that provide sexual satisfaction for
some people.
It makes you wonder how any two people ever get their sexual life to
work!
THE WAY WE ARE
IT SEEMS DIFFICULT to believe that what is one of the most basic
behaviors for human existence could have become so convoluted. In fact,
the majority of people have more in common than separates them sexually,
so most couples work out their differences well enough. But even couples
who are very similar can be tripped up if there is one aspect of their sex life
that has great importance to one or both but different meanings. A good
current example of that is the importance of who initiates sex, how often,
and in what way; this is not the era of sexual subtlety, and some people feel
unattractive or unloved if their partner does not initiate sex at least 50
percent of the time in a hot, “can’t keep my hands off you” way.
While sex therapists understand the general process that shapes an
individual’s sexuality, what we can’t explain at the present time is why a
specific individual ultimately develops his or her unique combination of
motivations to have sex, preferred forms of sexual expression, and the
meaning and satisfaction that he or she derives from sexual activity. It is
commonly assumed that hormones are the major determinant of sex drive,
but the results of hormone studies suggest that while higher testosterone
levels are associated with high libido for some people, for others there is no
association. We also don’t know why, for example, the physical sex drive
can be dampened by everyday stress for some but for others it remains
unaffected by quite significant trauma: Why does a history such as sexual
assault lead to sexual problems with some people but not others? Why do
some people (usually males) develop a sexual fetish to objects such as silk,
shoes, and so on, but not others who may have similar histories? How much
influence does the family environment have on adult sexuality?
We take guesses and we make assumptions, and to listen to pop
psychology experts, there is always some deep and meaningful explanation
for why we are the way we are. However, in my thirty years of clinical
experience, the only rule I have discovered is that there are no “rules” that
explain every case. In fact, looking for deep emotional reasons to explain
behaviors we consider to be a problem can be damaging in itself, because
the “answers” are often wrong, yet believing they are right can lead to
unhelpful preoccupation with an issue.
In general, I believe that change is best achieved by addressing the issues
in the present. You need to know and understand what is happening now in
your relationship, and to identify options to decrease the misunderstanding
and distress between you and your partner.
THE FUNDAMENTALS OF DIFFERENT LIBIDO TYPES
AT ONE STAGE of my career I was involved in the assessment and
treatment of sex offenders. While this was a challenging time for me, I
learned some important lessons. One was that, by contrast to this group, the
great majority of the people who consult me about their sex lives are good
people doing the best they can. If they are causing hurt to their partner, it is
rarely done consciously and maliciously but most commonly arises out of
their beliefs about what a good sexual relationship should be, fears that they
might be at fault for the “failure” of their sex life, and distress as they
wonder why their partner is not meeting their needs in some way.
From this vantage point, therefore, I could listen without judgment as
people described what triggered their sexual arousal, what they enjoyed,
what turned them off. While one person talked of becoming aroused at the
sight of the naked partner, another was only interested if the partner wore
leather, and still another rarely felt any sexual interest at all. Some people
preferred solo sex, which might involve straightforward hand stimulation or
complicated rituals with special objects. Once aroused, some felt an
urgency to have sex, while others were easily distracted and the feeling
passed. Stress will depress some people’s sex drive but increase another’s.
The list of differences seemed endless.
Eventually, as I talked with hundreds of individuals and couples over the
years, patterns began to emerge in the answers to the following list of
questions:
• What triggers sexual interest?
• What does sexual desire feel like?
• How persistent is desire?
• How urgent?
• How frequent?
• How robust?
• What is the object of desire?
• What are the essential prerequisites to become aroused?
I started to group together certain characteristics into categories I called
libido types. These are not scientifically validated concepts, but a shorthand
method of describing people with differences in sexual desire and
expression. I have found them useful in assessing what is happening and
making decisions about treatment strategies for couples who are
experiencing a significant mismatch in sexual wants and needs. I’ve labeled
them loosely as sensual, erotic, dependent, addictive, reactive, entitled,
stressed, disinterested, detached, and compulsive, and in the coming pages
we will meet couples who face the task of working their way through the
complications that having different types of libido can create.
As an introductory exercise for you to identify your own libido type, rank
the following statements from 1 to 10, with 1 being the statement that most
describes you now and 10 being the one that least describes you now:
✀ SENSUAL: Emotional intimacy is more important to me during
sex than sexual performance.
✀ EROTIC: I only feel emotional closeness with someone who is
sexually passionate.
✀ DEPENDENT: I need sex to cope with my life.
✀ ENTITLED: I should get the sex life I want when I am in a
committed relationship.
 ✀ ADDICTIVE: I find it difficult to resist sex with other partners
despite being in a long-term relationship.
✀ REACTIVE: My sexual satisfaction only comes from pleasing my
partner.
✀ STRESSED: Although I feel sexual desire, I avoid sex because I
worry I can’t please my partner.
✀ DISINTERESTED: I don’t think it would bother me if I never had
sex again.
✀ DETACHED: I’m not worried about sex; it’s just easier to relieve
sexual frustration with masturbation.
✀ COMPULSIVE: I find it difficult to arouse and enjoy sex unless I
involve a special object or situation.
This preliminary exercise will give you an indication of your libido type.
If your first choice stands out to you, and none of the others seem relevant
to you at all, you are likely to be a straightforward libido type. Of course, it
isn’t quite as simple as that, because for each libido type, a person may be a
mild, moderate, or strong type—that is, the characteristics of that type
influence the person’s sexual feelings, thoughts, and behavior some of the
time, most of the time, or all of the time. In addition, within a libido type,
there can be subtypes; for example, a Detached lover may be avoiding
partnered sex because of relationship difficulties or stress from life
pressures.
If there are two or perhaps three choices that are difficult to separate, you
are a mixed libido type, which means that you have a blend of
characteristics from more than one type. Given the complexity of human
sexuality, there is much more variety than ten libido types, and it is not my
intention to put any limits on this. The ten libido types describe common
sets of characteristics that you can then draw upon to identify your own
sexuality. At least half of you will find that you don’t neatly fit into a single
type. For example, a common blend is the Sensual/Erotic libido type, which
means that while for this lover emotional connection is more important than
sexual performance, at least sometimes he wants this to be expressed in a
passionate and erotic way. Other common mixed types are
Reactive/Sensual, Entitled/Erotic, Detached/Stressed, and
Addictive/Entitled, but don’t feel limited by these examples. The point of
this exercise is not to end up with a label to pin on yourself (or your
partner) but to find a way of describing your current sexuality as a tool to
address the problems you and your partner are experiencing.
The libido type you have identified is not necessarily how you have been
in the past or will be in the future, because your libido type can change as
your life circumstances change. For example, any of the libido types
associated with a regular desire for sex can become a Stressed, Detached, or
Disinterested libido type under conditions of stress or distress. Conversely,
with encouragement, support, and respect, some types who prefer to avoid
sex can discover an unanticipated sexual interest that moves them into an
active libido type.
AN ALTERNATIVE APPROACH TO THE ASSESSMENT AND
TREATMENT OF SEXUAL PROBLEMS
WHEN I FIRST trained as a sex therapist, and for many years afterward,
sexual dysfunction was defined in terms of specific behavioral deficits: lack
of ejaculatory control, lack of erection, lack of orgasm, inability to allow
penetration, lack of libido, and so on. However, by the mid-1980s I had
changed my assessment framework to address the following questions:
What is the problem? Why is it a problem? Is it the same problem for both
partners? Does it have the same meaning for both partners? What effect is
the problem having? What are the likely consequences to the individual, the
couple, or their relationship likely to be? What treatment strategies might be
appropriate? What are the likely benefits of this treatment? What outcome
is desired by the partners as individuals or as a couple? How likely is the
outcome? Can their needs/wants be met in some other way?
These are the questions that need to be answered before you can identify
possible solutions, and because there are many possible effects,
consequences, and options for what initially might seem to be the same
sexual problem, I call my approach the Possibilities approach. The
Possibilities approach puts less emphasis on labeling what a couple is
actually doing as the problem and shifts the focus to why their current
sexual functioning is a problem in the relationship and what are the
consequences of this sexual problem, in order to come up with all the
options that might reduce the couple’s distress.
Consider the following examples: George, Philip, Alan, Richard, David,
and Russell all described their sexual problem as premature ejaculation and
wanted to know how to last longer. Although all of these men described
their problem in the same way initially, it became clear as the assessment
progressed that what was actually happening in their sex lives, and what
they and their partners thought and felt about this, was quite different. This
meant that the strategies to help each couple achieve greater sexual
satisfaction also varied significantly:
• GEORGE was twenty-three, had been in his first relationship for
two years and had only had intercourse three times because he
ejaculated prior to penetration on all other attempts. George had
always ejaculated quickly, even with masturbation. Given the level
of distress he felt about his continuing inability to last long enough
to penetrate and the fact that in his case any behavioral program was
unlikely to achieve any early benefit, the most effective and reliable
treatment for him was the use of a medication that delays
ejaculation. This enabled him to reliably achieve intercourse, thus
decreasing his anxiety, and the couple was then able to explore other
ways to improve their sexual enjoyment.
• PHILIP was in his midtwenties and had previously had successful
intercourse, but with his current partner he often ejaculated
immediately after penetration. Philip’s current partner loved giving
him prolonged oral stimulation prior to intercourse, which meant
that he was very close to ejaculation by the time they proceeded to
intercourse. On those occasions that the couple wanted him to last
longer, she simply had to avoid giving this intense stimulation to the
penis.
• ALAN, thirty-two, was married for seven years and had always
ejaculated one to two minutes after penetration. His wife Jill was
upset that Alan came after a few thrusts because she was left
unsatisfied, and this couple agreed to work together on a behavioral
program to help him delay ejaculation. At the same time they were
also going to focus on alternatives to intercourse to help Jill achieve
orgasm, so that she didn’t have to depend on Alan being able to last
longer.
• RICHARD, thirty-five, also had a long history of ejaculation within
a couple of minutes of thrusting. His wife Kirsty could only reach
orgasm during foreplay, and she had tried to reassure him that she
was happy with his performance, but he thought she was just being
kind. With counseling he decided to accept how he was and to focus
 on his own pleasure during intercourse so that he enjoyed his
orgasm when it happened.
• DAVID, twenty-eight, was usually able to delay ejaculation for five
minutes or more. His wife Amanda was quite critical of his
performance because she needed prolonged thrusting to come to
orgasm. The discussion in counseling revolved around the fact that
his time to ejaculation was well within the normal range, and while
David could certainly try the various options to help him last longer
as Amanda expected, equally it was her responsibility to make an
effort to come more quickly. This offered a new perspective to the
couple that it is the responsibility of both partners to work through
the barriers to sexual enjoyment on an equal but different basis.
• RUSSELL, thirty-seven, could always consciously control his
ejaculation to last for at least ten minutes, but he felt inadequate
because he believed that a good lover should be able to last for
fifteen or twenty minutes or even longer, and sometimes he was able
to achieve this. His partner Diane said that this was usually not
enjoyable for her and was sometimes even painful because if she did
have orgasm with intercourse it usually only took her a few minutes.
Unfortunately, she had thought that there was something wrong with
her because she felt this way, and so she had not told Russell how
she felt. In this case both partners were happy to accept that their
current sex life was good enough as it was.
We will use the Possibilities approach when we come to the chapters on
understanding the sexual difficulties you are experiencing in your
relationship and on exploring the options to resolve your distress. An
essential feature of this approach is to make a distinction between judgment
and description in the initial explanation of the problem. For example,
Amanda explained their sexual problem in judgmental terms when she
criticized David for being selfish and not trying hard enough to last longer
(even though he was able to delay ejaculation for several minutes) because
she needed prolonged thrusting to come to orgasm. In this way she was
taking the high moral ground, making David the problem and denying any
role she might be playing, where in fact her attitude was part of the problem
because it increased David’s sense of inadequacy and also avoided
examining what she might do to improve the situation. A nonjudgmental
description of their problem is “I would like David to last longer.”
 With this in mind, the following chapters detail the different types of
libido I have identified. As you read about each type, it might seem that
some are “better” or more “normal” than others. Nevertheless, I’d like you
to suspend judgment, because it has been my experience that there are
reasonable and caring people in each type, and while there are individuals
who are selfish and inconsiderate, these characteristics are not tied to a
particular sex drive. Also, remember that my libido types are descriptive
categories and are meant to be used as a tool to identify and understand the
many ways individual differ sexually. It is possible to have a blend of
characteristics of more than one libido type, which points to the richness
and complexity of our sexuality.
HOW THE FOLLOWING CHAPTERS ARE ORGANIZED
YOU ARE ABOUT to meet people with various types of libido. Each
chapter begins with two or three case histories and then gives a brief
general description of the libido type to be discussed. A more detailed
description follows, using a breakdown of the key concepts that define each
libido type. What is the meaning of sex for this type of lover? What beliefs
underpin that libido type’s sexual perspective? What are the emotions,
senses, and thoughts that either enhance or suppress that libido type’s
sexual interest? What does someone with this libido type most want from
the partner? What are the most likely relationship issues if you are that type
of lover, or if your partner has that libido type?
Try not to draw any conclusions about yourself or your partner until you
have read through all the libido types. Although you might come to a
chapter that you feel “Aha! That’s me!” or “That’s my partner,” keep
reading, because you may be a blended libido type and find features of
other types that provide a more complete picture of your, or your partner’s,
sexuality.
 3
THE SENSUAL LIBIDO
•BEN LOVES HIS wife Brenda with that solid, gentle love that is
characteristic of couples whose relationships survive through their
lifetime, and in old age they still hold hands and smile when they
catch each other’s eye. Sex is an important part of their relationship:
For Ben it is the time he feels the closest to Brenda, and he believes
that sex is the most intimate way to express his commitment to her.
He knows that by R-rated movie standards, their sex life isn’t that
exciting, and he wouldn’t mind if Brenda was a bit more
adventurous, but it isn’t what they do that Ben finds fulfilling in sex.
For him, it is the fact that when they are being physically intimate
even in the most ordinary way, Brenda touches his face or body in
an easy, familiar manner that tells him she is glad to be there with
him.

•JULIE WAS NOT greatly interested in sex until she began her
relationship with Craig. In her previous relationships, she always
felt that she somehow didn’t make the grade because she rarely felt
hot for sex and found it difficult to come to orgasm. After two years
with Craig, however, who seemed to enjoy sex with her no matter
whether she turned on strongly or she wanted a quiet, cuddly form
of sex, she realized that what she enjoyed most in sex was the skin
contact and the emotional intimacy. Without that, she couldn’t
arouse and get into sex very easily; with that, it didn’t matter if she
didn’t come to orgasm on those occasions when it was too much
hard work and not worth the effort.

•TANIA HAS ALWAYS enjoyed sex in her previous relationships,

and she considered herself lucky that she was usually able to be
multiorgasmic during intercourse if her partner could last for several
minutes or more. Still, she hadn’t found the relationship she was
looking for with these partners, and she felt she had struck gold
when she met Gary. When they began having sex, she initially
thought that his ejaculation after a few minutes of thrusting was due
to anxiety, but now, a year into the relationship, she acknowledges
that this is Gary’s normal response time. She still usually has orgasm
 during intercourse, but she doesn’t get the opportunity to keep going
on to more orgasms. Yet she recognizes that there are so many other
ways in which Gary is a good lover for her: He is sensitive and
considerate, and their sex life adapts to the demands of their daily
life so that if one or both are too tired for active sex they are content
with snuggling together or a quiet quickie. On those occasions that
she does feel the need for a long series of orgasms, Gary is more
than happy to help achieve this using oral, manual, or vibrator
stimulation.

BEN, JULIE, TANIA, and Gary have the Sensual type of libido. If you
have this type of sexual desire, you experience interest in sex as a pleasant
sensation of physical arousal most commonly associated with warm
emotions toward your partner. Seeing or thinking about your partner can
easily trigger arousal, but this doesn’t mean that you don’t find other people
attractive and maybe have sexual fantasies involving them. You know,
though, that you are not tempted to put these fantasies into real life; at most
you and your partner will sometimes playfully act them out. In the same
way, you might enjoy using erotic material either as an aid in masturbation
or with your partner, but this isn’t likely to be a regular activity.
Your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or even days,
but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows that she is also in
the mood. Because the Sensual libido type is characterized by a give-and-
take attitude, the Sensual lover is quite adaptive, and there aren’t any
definite subtypes. The main way in which Sensual types will vary is in their
level of libido. Some Sensual libido types feel this desire most days, others
once a week or even less, but it can be put off or lost if circumstances don’t
provide an opportunity for mutually enjoyable sex, so it isn’t about needing
sex at any particular frequency or any particular type of sex.
As a Sensual lover, you want to please your partner, and it gives you
considerable pleasure to see that smile of contentment on your lover’s face
in the afterglow of sex. At the same time, you can also indicate what you
want during sex, and you are confident enough to gently let your partner
know if he is doing something you aren’t enjoying.
 The most important ingredient for good sex for the Sensual libido type is
emotional connection, and the greatest satisfaction comes from mutual
pleasure of the physical intimacy that does not depend on any particular
technique or activity. Sensual lovers are realists who know that they won’t
always get their particular sexual wants met, and they don’t dwell on any
disappointment if there is something they would like that their partner either
is uninterested in or unable to do. If the rest of the relationship is good, they
are usually content with the life they have built with their partner.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: As a Sensual lover, sex for you is more about emotional connection and
reinforcement of mutual caring, so the focus is less on what is actually done
and more on whether your partner is willing to be physically intimate and is
emotionally present during sex. This notion of “being present” means that your
partner demonstrates by eye contact, touch, smiles, sighs, or any other subtle or
direct communication that he is content to be emotionally and physically
intimate with you at that time.

BELIEFS: Your personal belief is that sex is the physical expression of emotional
connection that strengthens the relationship, and a good sex life is a
compromise; differences aren’t usually taken personally but adjusted to. You
regard a good sex life as important to a happy relationship, but a less than ideal
sex life is an acceptable trade-off if other aspects of the relationship are
rewarding.

EMOTIONS: The emotions that trigger or enhance your interest in sex center around feelings
of well being, in particular feelings that arise from your relationship: love,
seeking mutually desired intimacy, wanting to give your partner sensual/sexual
pleasure, lightheartedness, joy.
Your sexual interest can be suppressed if you feel unloved or rejected by your
partner but also if you recognize that he is tired and not interested for reasons
unrelated to you. You are likely to notice a drop in sexual desire because of
lifestyle stress, personal fatigue, and general states of lack of well-being such
as anxiety or depression.

SENSES: The sensual cues that enhance your libido are many and varied. The obvious
ones are the sight and touch of your partner, particularly when this is playful
and affectionate and the opportunity for sex is there. Even though you are
committed to the relationship, your sexual interest can also develop in reaction
to erotic visual stimulation from other sources. You and your partner are
usually open about this and even use it as a source of fun and sometimes part of
your own foreplay.
However, fatigue, stress, or feeling distant from your partner can mean that
intimate touch is irritating rather than arousing. Sexual interest can be
suppressed if your partner gives negative cues (visual, such as a grimace;
 tactile, such as tensing at your touch; or auditory, such as a groan of irritation)
that your advances aren’t welcome.

THOUGHTS: Your thoughts that build arousal following the emotional and sensual cues are
mostly about anticipating sexual pleasure with your partner, wondering
whether he is in the mood, noting how good he looks and feels to your touch,
and dwelling on your own internal sensations of building sexual arousal. The
theme of your thoughts can be summarized as a self-satisfied, optimistic “Life
doesn’t get any better than this” line. Sometimes sexual thoughts can develop
simply by recognizing that an opportunity for sex exists and then building on
those thoughts as you explore this possibility with your partner. Sexual interest
can be suppressed by thoughts that your partner is uninterested or unavailable,
or thinking sex is too much hassle if you are tired or preoccupied or are
dwelling on thoughts about a current conflict with him.

WANTS Your ideal sexual relationship is for your partner to regularly express mutual
FROM love and friendship by initiating nonsexual affection and, no matter who
PARTNER: initiates sex, to communicate clearly by words or touch that he is happy to be
intimate.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE SENSUAL LIBIDO TYPE

IF YOU ARE a Sensual libido type, what you value most in your
relationship is the emotional connection between you and your partner, the
sense of being life partners who care for each other and look out for each
other. You describe each other as best friends; you look for time together
and are happy in each other’s company. You want sex to be an extension of
this, with an easy familiarity and comfortable atmosphere, and the most
important aspect of sex is knowing that your partner looks forward to
physical intimacy as much as you do.
Provided you get the message from your partner that she wants to be
physically intimate as an expression of your commitment and love, you
tend to be able to adapt to other libido types such as the Erotic, Reactive, or
Dependent, and even the less interested lover such as the Stressed,
Disinterested, or Compulsive. The absence of this sense of connection with
any libido type will cause you distress, and generally another Sensual libido
type is your most compatible partner.
Nevertheless, although you don’t need hot passion and erotic variety to
feel sexually satisfied, you can sometimes be confused about what is a
“normal” expression of love. You worry that if your partner doesn’t like
specific acts such as deep kissing or she seems irritated by casual fondling
of the breasts or genitals, it means she doesn’t want to be affectionate or
enjoy sexual intimacy with you, as is often the case, for example, with
Disinterested libido types. In this situation, you are coming at the problem
from the wrong end if you focus on who does what and whether your
partner dislikes particular activities. Go back to the core of your
relationship: If you have the sound emotional relationship you want, find
out how your partner expresses this; for example, if it isn’t by casual
fondling or deep kissing, what is the sensual language she uses to tell you
she loves you?
If you are in a relationship with someone who expects a higher sexual
frequency than you are comfortable with, or who puts emphasis on what is
done during sex and is dissatisfied with your sexual performance or your
lack of inventiveness, as may happen if you partner is an Erotic or Entitled
libido type, you are likely to feel that your partner values sex more than
emotional intimacy. Stand back and think about your relationship generally:
If in other ways your partner lets you know she loves you and is committed
to your relationship, then her focus on what is done during sex simply
reflects what gives her sexual pleasure rather than indicating a lack of
emotional connectedness. If you don’t allow yourself to feel threatened by
this, you can feel empowered by meeting your partner’s needs because you
are the one she wants to be sexually intimate with. If what your partner
wants is more than you can give, don’t be defensive but put forward your
sexual wants and needs in a calm, straightforward way; you are prepared to
compromise and your partner needs to be flexible as well.
If your partner wants sex less than you do and rarely gives you a sense of
joy in being physically intimate with you, which may happen in particular
with the Stressed, Detached, or Disinterested libido types, take a step back
for a while. Look for any way, sexual or nonsexual, that your partner
demonstrates his love, and make sure you let him know you notice and
value this. Your partner may feel pressured by what he thinks you are
expecting during sex, so ask him what makes sex okay for him and start
with his basics. Let your partner know that what you value most in sex is
feeling he is present with you, and that a smile, eye contact, or gentle touch
is more important than sexual gymnastics.
Despite being quite an easygoing lover, you are not immune to feeling
hurt or rejected. You are not necessarily upset if your partner rejects any
sexual or affectionate advances, but by how this is done. Rather than
retreating if you feel this way, quietly let your partner know how your feel
and indicate how saying no can be done in a more loving way.
 If your partner is a Sensual libido type, given that Sensual lovers value
comfortable emotional intimacy over particular sexual techniques or
activities, you may doubt the genuineness of your love and commitment
together if your partner is not as enthusiastic about the type of sex you
would like. If you enjoy sexual variety, for example, you are a
Sensual/Erotic or an Erotic lover, your Sensual lover will generally be
happy to go along with this if it is clear that it is doing these things with him
that makes it special. If you have low sexual needs, perhaps a Disinterested
libido type, your Sensual lover is likely to accept a quieter, more sensual,
rather than passionate sex life if you demonstrate by soft touch, gentle
words, relaxed movement, or some other sign that you are pleased to be
sharing this low key physical intimacy. Either placing emphasis on
performance or frequently avoiding affectionate or sensual touch rather than
communicating what is okay for you will send the message to your Sensual
partner that you don’t value emotional intimacy.
 4
THE EROTIC LIBIDO
•PETER DELIGHTS IN sex. He believes sex is the best hobby
anyone can have. He likes to read erotic material or look up Internet
sites with sex themes, but only if they are about sexual acts between
consenting adults. If he is single or his partner isn’t interested in sex
at the time, he will masturbate regularly using fantasies from these
sources. Several of his previous relationships have ended because
the woman either didn’t approve of or simply wasn’t interested in
experimenting with his suggestions for spicing up sex. Peter wants
to push his own sexual boundaries as far as he can. Currently he is
in a relationship with Claire, who has never explored some of the
more unusual sexual scenarios but is prepared to try them. Peter
doesn’t expect his partner to want to have varied, experimental sex
all the time, but he wants it to be a priority on a regular basis,
because for him a hotly erotic sex life is an important part of a long-
term relationship.
•BEFORE SHE HAD children, Michelle and her husband John had
sex several times a week, and when they had the time they would
play different sex games and act out their fantasies. The children
certainly slowed things down for a couple of years, but Michelle
looked forward to the occasional weekend away when she and John
could recapture their sense of freedom and excitement of earlier
times. Sometimes when the children were very young, she would
ask John to have sex in the garage in their car while the children
were asleep, just to give her that sense that sex didn’t have to be the
same routine in the same place every time. Now that the children are
older and more independent, she has more opportunity to have
private time with John to once again experiment with sexual games.
She doesn’t mind getting older but she certainly doesn’t want her
sex life to become boring and predictable just because she is
approaching middle age.

ACCORDING TO CURRENT sexual stereotypes, sex is supposed to be

passionate and erotic, but the reality of people’s lives means that often sex
is low-key, routine, and predictable. Individuals such as Peter and Michelle,
who have an Erotic libido type, find this situation unacceptable.
Although they might fantasize about a sex life that constantly sizzles,
many mild to moderate Erotic libido types are content to accept the ebb and
flow of passion in their sexual relationship, provided they know that there
will be regular opportunities for prolonged and adventurous sexual sessions.
If you have an Erotic libido, you regard as basic sex sexual variety such as
experimenting with different positions, oral sex, acting out fantasies, and
spending an hour or more with sex, and you want your partner to be as
motivated to find time for these sessions as you are. If erotic sex can’t
happen as often as you would like, as an Erotic libido type you need your
partner to be demonstrating in other ways that there is this passionate
undercurrent to your relationship—deep kissing, displays of affection that
include sexual touch, lighthearted references to sex, and so on.
A subtype in the Erotic libido type is the lover who needs frequent hot,
passionate, and experimental sex as cornerstone of the relationship. This
Erotic libido type can be described as a thrill seeker, pushing the boundaries
of the sexual experience. This subtype has always been around, but it is
easier in today’s society for men and women with this libido type to be
more open. If you are a strong Erotic lover of this subtype, sex that doesn’t
have an erotic edge to it is boring, and you are likely to dismiss anything
that doesn’t have a sense of adventure as “vanilla sex.” You are not satisfied
with the same routine and are on the lookout for different activities to try. It
is important to you that your partner is also enthusiastic to experiment:
bondage and discipline, threesomes, watching each other have sex with
someone else, all varieties of sex. You may not enjoy everything you try,
but you want to experience as much as you can, and you get a thrill out of
trying something that challenges you. You feel a strong physical excitement
that you want to share with your partner, and you believe this expresses
your committed love more than tenderness and nonsexual affection.
The desire of moderate to strong Erotic lovers is stimulated by thoughts
of sex and anticipation of planned activities; new ideas are prompted by
erotic material. Erotic desire is not necessarily urgent, but it is persistent
and not easily overridden. Ideally, for you sex should happen at least
several times a week, but like most Erotic lovers, you prefer quality over
quantity. Even if you are a very passionate Erotic libido type, you will have
occasional quieter sex and enjoy it, provided it is only an interim measure
until there is an opportunity for an extended and varied session. You don’t
like what you call “pity sex,” that is, when you believe that your partner is
only having sex or engaging in varied activities out of pity for you. In this
case, you feel hurt or insulted that your partner doesn’t feel a hot,
overwhelming need to have sex but is making a rational choice based on
feeling sorry for you for being so frustrated.
Erotic libido types arouse easily often before they begin partnered sex,
but to get the most out of sex, they need their partner to be as involved and
enjoying the activities as much as they do. As an Erotic lover, you believe
that physical expression of sexual desire is the most important part of a
relationship, and although Erotic libido types vary as to their tolerance for
low-key sex, for many, if the sexual relationship doesn’t come reasonably
close to the ideal, the relationship is unlikely to survive.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: For you, committed love and emotional intimacy is expressed in a passionate
and erotic sex life. This means enjoying frequent sexual touch such as fondling
the breasts, patting the bottom, or stroking the genitals as well as having
regular and prolonged exciting sex. You are likely to interpret your partner’s
failure to initiate any of these activities, or to respond positively when you do,
to mean either that there is something wrong with your relationship or
something wrong with your partner.

BELIEFS: Sex is the most important part of a relationship for an Erotic lover, in that if sex
isn’t right, the relationship can’t be right. Beliefs about masturbation vary:
Some Erotic lovers believe it is a natural part of sexuality and will masturbate
when aroused and when there is no opportunity for sex with a partner, but
others believe that masturbation should be unnecessary if the sexual
relationship is right.

EMOTIONS: The emotions that enhance your Erotic libido initially stem from your
awareness of your sexual feelings arising from frequent thoughts about sex.
Curiosity arising from a train of thought leads to excitement and increasing
arousal, which may not always be connected to feelings for your partner but are
around the activity itself, and you may initiate sex with your partner to act out
these sexual ideas. For some Erotic lovers, your partner’s needs are secondary
to your own because you believe that sex should be about variety and passion
and that therefore your partner should go along with any suggested activity.
However, for many Erotic libido types, one of the most powerful emotional
enhancers is feeling that you have found a soul mate in your partner, someone
who loves you and can express that love in a hot and passionate way. Your
Erotic libido is not easily suppressed, so negative feelings of emotional
disconnection or annoyance with your partner for rejecting sexual advances or
refusing to engage in a planned sexual activity are more likely to lead to an
 increase in masturbation. Similarly, during periods of stress, sex may be a
source of relaxation and release, although long-term stress and anxiety can
ultimately depress your sexual desire.

SENSES: Erotic libido types are tuned in to stimulation through all the senses, but the
stimulation needs to have a clear sexual aspect rather than being subdued and
emotionally focused. You are sensitive to your own internal sexual arousal, and
you explore erotic material as an aid to excitement rather than from a need to
do so. You want active, pronounced sexual touch from your partner, and you
are usually easily aroused if your partner gives any playful and seductive cues.
Gestures of affection from either partner typically lead to the desire for sex.

For you, it is the lack of sensual cues from your partner that is more likely to
have an adverse effect on desire: lack of responsiveness, not participating in the
activities, not initiating different techniques or games, not providing strongly
erotic caresses and sounds.

THOUGHTS: Although you are not compulsive about sexual thoughts—that is, you can
choose to think about sexual ideas or not—sex is such a natural and enjoyable
pastime that you engage in fantasizing as a normal part of the day. You will
often plan sexual activities in anticipation of sex with your partner.

Recognizing that your partner is not interested in sex, whether you accept this
as reasonable or not, can put a dampener on planning for sex and so decrease
arousal. This may have the effect of putting your sexual desire on hold for a
while, or accepting a coventional short sexual session or choosing to
masturbate as an alternative, but this is a short-term solution and your thoughts
soon turn to planning the next sexual opportunity.

WANTS You need to feel hotly desired by your partner in order to feel that the
FROM relationship has depth and commitment. Your ideal would be for your partner
PARTNER: to plan and initiate sexual games and activities, to spontaneously express
affection with erotic touch, and to be prepared to try at least once almost any
activity that you suggest. You also want your partner to respond with
enthusiasm to your sexual advances and to suggestions for sexual games or
fantasies.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE EROTIC LIBIDO TYPE

IF YOU ARE an Erotic libido type, you need passion, excitement, and
variety to feel that your relationship is vibrant and sustainable. While those
of you who are mild to moderate Erotic lovers or mixed Erotic/Sensual
libido types can be more flexible and accepting of some differences in
wants and needs between you and your partner, paradoxically, strong Erotic
lovers can be rigid and judgmental. I say paradoxically because you tend to
believe that you are more sophisticated, knowledgeable, and flexible than
your partner. However, your acceptance of variety only relates to sex with
an edge activities, but only those that give you a thrill; if you read or hear
about something that doesn’t give you a tingle of anticipation, you ignore it.
You tend to be dismissive of quietly sensual and predictable lovemaking
(“vanilla sex”). You can also be quite affronted if your lover wants to
participate in activities you find unacceptable: For example, some male
Erotic lovers want their female partner to participate in a threesome with a
female third party but will become offended by the suggestion that the third
party be male. You have your own limits and boundaries, which you feel
you can justify, yet you are critical of your partner’s preferences if they
don’t match yours.
Erotic libido types can therefore find that their ideal relationship is
elusive. Your belief that an erotic sex life is the necessary foundation for a
committed relationship can lead you to the conclusion that either your
relationship or your partner has a problem if your sex life lacks the exact
challenges you desire. If you are a strong Erotic libido type, the main
stumbling block to relationship happiness is that the statistics are against
you. Research tells us that most people lead ordinary sex lives most of the
time. This is partly due to our busy 24/7 lifestyles, which may leave little
time for frequent long sexual sessions. The majority of couples have sex
once or twice a week, and while some of these would like sex more often if
they had the time, others are content with that frequency. Another issue is
that even an activity that is as heavily promoted as oral sex isn’t universally
popular, with a substantial number of people disliking giving it, receiving it,
or both, and other more unusual activities such as bondage and discipline
are enjoyed by a very small percentage of people. This means that you can
spend a lot of time searching for a hot lover who shares your sexual
fantasies. Nevertheless your ideal sex partner may lack other emotional
qualities you eventually realize that you need, and in the meantime, you
may let go of a relationship that has many other strengths despite some
sexual limitations.
As an Erotic libido type, you question your partner’s commitment to the
relationship if she lacks your adventurous spirit, which may be the case if
you are with any of the other libido types unless she is a mixed type with an
Erotic aspect. This interpretation on your part can disempower your partner
in any attempt to find mutually satisfying solutions to the mismatch. Your
partner, particularly if she is a Sensual or Reactive libido type, may want a
more erotic relationship and be willing to test her own boundaries, but in
order to do this, she needs you to value who she is now, as well as gentle
encouragement to explore new ground. It’s not a matter of changing your
sexuality: You can be a wonderful and satisfying lover and open new
worlds to your partner, but lead sensitively; don’t push or use pressure.
If your partner is an Erotic libido type, it will help if you can appreciate
that your Erotic lover’s need for passion and variety in sex is simply about
what makes him feel alive, and your partner wants you to feel that same
zest for sex. Your Erotic lover may only need the occasional hot session or
game playing, or he may expect sex to always be challenging, never
routine. Your first task is to find out where this boundary is, because that
will help you decide whether you have enough shared passion to have a
future together. Your second task is to be confident about your own
sexuality and to calmly reject any activities that are offensive and
unacceptable to you. However, your willingness to try something at least
once is often what creates the emotional connection for the Erotic libido
type, and this may be difficult for Stressed, Disinterested, or Detached
libido types. For your Erotic lover, it seems absolutely true that sex must be
about erotic passion or there is something wrong with the relationship, and
your hardest task will be to see this as your Erotic lover’s issue and not a
reflection on you. Can you show your partner that other qualities in the
relationship can be just as sustaining? You may, for example, playfully
point out “See, I really do adore you,” when you do many of the other
things you feel demonstrates your love, such as approaching him for a kiss
or putting yourself out to help him out with day-to-day activities. You may
reflect out loud how happy you are in the relationship, or how good you feel
your life together is. Easily saying or demonstrating what is right in your
relationship may help your Erotic lover put your sexual relationship in
perspective.
If you are at the more conservative end of any libido type, you can
misinterpret the Erotic lover as being sex-crazy and view his desire for
experimentation as unhealthy. While you are entitled to your own
preferences and may find your partner’s desires don’t match your own,
despite the fact that Erotic lovers generally want to challenge sexual norms,
their sexual desires are usually well within the range of healthy activities
that are neither abusive nor illegal; indeed, the key element for Erotic lovers
is mutual excitement and pleasure.
 You may also worry that your partner only cares about you because of
what you can offer sexually. Oftentimes the best way through this is to
match your lover’s assertiveness with your own to get your own sexual
needs heard, and for you to look beyond your Erotic lover’s expectations to
see the other ways he demonstrates love and commitment.
 5
THE DEPENDENT LIBIDO
•LAUREN IS A woman who is a ball of energy. She set her career
goals as a young woman and has strived over many years to achieve
them. Now she owns her own business, which employs more than
twenty people and is still growing. Her days are long and busy, and
one cost of her success was her marriage of ten years. She is now in
a relationship with Perry, who is proud of her achievements and is
understanding of the demands on her time. Nevertheless, after five
years, some cracks are appearing in their relationship. Lauren has
always found that the best way to unwind from a stressful day is to
have sex, and when she was single she would masturbate using her
favorite vibrator for a guaranteed strong orgasm. At first Perry was
delighted with her daily desire for sex, but over time he found it
difficult to have sex every night regardless of whether they had
spent any time together that evening. Lauren can’t sleep unless she
has an orgasm, so she becomes upset if Perry isn’t interested or can’t
perform. On those occasions she asks him to sleep in the spare room
so that she can satisfy herself as she used to when she was single.

•ROBERT WAS SHY with females as a teenager and didn’t have

sex until he was in his early twenties. His self-esteem was low, and
he was often lonely. From early adolescence he discovered that
masturbation was one way to feel better. His fantasies were not
about any particular sexual activity; rather, he would think about
women who seemed friendly and kind and imagine they wanted sex
with him. By the time he met Melissa, he was masturbating at least
daily, sometimes more if he was having a bad day. Melissa loves
Robert’s kindness and sensitivity. He is a loving husband and a great
dad to their little baby. However, since the baby arrived, Melissa
hasn’t been interested in sex every day, although she is happy to
have sex once or twice a week. Robert is becoming increasingly
distressed. If Melissa rejects his sexual advances, he worries that she
doesn’t care about him any more, and he will sometimes end up in
tears and beg her to change her mind.
DO YOU NEED sexual release daily, or several times a day? If your partner
won’t have sex when you need it, do you find the sexual tension
intolerable? The Dependent libido type needs sex and finds it difficult to
cope without regular sex or masturbation. If you have a mild form, you
might only need sex a couple of times a week, but if sex is delayed by more
than a day or two, you will notice that you become grumpy and withdrawn,
and increasingly preoccupied with thoughts of sex. You may not always
raise the issue directly with your partner but may make indirect remarks
about not getting enough sex. It’s possible that your partner has recognized
this pattern and it suits her to go along with it, in which case sex will only
become an issue if for some reason your partner can’t maintain sex at the
usual frequency.
In its stronger form, Dependent libido types experience sexual desire as
an agitated feeling, persistent and urgent: They may say they can’t sleep at
night without sex or can’t concentrate on work, and in more extreme cases,
they may have to masturbate just to get through the demands of the day.
Typically, Dependent lovers do not make the connection between their bad
feelings and needing sex; in fact, it’s likely that the Dependent lover
interprets his own bad feelings as the result of his partner rejecting him
sexually (even though sex may happen on a regular basis).
If you think about it now, are you more likely to feel the need for sex
when you are feeling happy and content or stressed and uncertain? Sexual
dependency typically begins in adolescence when the young adult
discovered that masturbation helped him sleep if tired or stressed, or that it
helped with boredom or lifted a depressed mood. Do you recall using
masturbation in this way? In adulthood, sex may be used to cope with
depression or anxiety. Do you look for sex to help lift your mood or to
reassure you that your partner loves you, and having sex is the only thing
that really helps? You may not necessarily need a particular type of sex,
only that your partner will have sex when you need it.
Despite the anxiety associated with sex, in other ways the relationship
with a Dependent lover can be sound and mutually rewarding, but even if it
isn’t, the individual with the Dependent libido is likely to stay in the
relationship because to end it would lead to overwhelming stress.
KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: There are two layers to the meaning of sex for the Dependent libido type. The
first is that regular sexual release is necessary to maintain a sense of calmness
and basic well-being, and without that, other aspects of your relationship or life
in general are put under pressure. If that need is met often enough, you then
feel free to experience sex with your partner as an expression of mutual love
and shared enjoyment. However, if your partner is unwilling to maintain the
sexual relationship at the frequency you require, you interpret this to mean that
you are unloved or unimportant in your partner’s priorities regardless of
anything else she might do to reassure you.

BELIEFS: As a Dependent libido type you believe that if your partner genuinely loves
you, she will be express it with a willingness to have sex on most occasions
that you want it, even if she does not feel any need for sex for herself.

EMOTIONS: If your need for sex is a regular two to three times per week and your partner is
able to maintain that, you may feel free of the underlying agitation or be able to
tolerate this edginess because you know there will be relief soon. In this case
you will be aware of your desire for emotional connection with your partner as
a trigger to initiate sex. If sex doesn’t happen often enough, which is more
likely for Dependent libido types who need sex daily or more often, your
sexual desire is typically triggered by negative feelings such as anxiety,
depression, agitation, low self-esteem, or emotional insecurity.

The Dependent lover’s sexual desire is difficult to suppress; typically the only
way the sexual longing will dissipate is by sexual release. Compared to other
libido types, you will notice that your sexual need is more likely to be
increased by negative emotions and lessened if you can feel a sense of well-
being by other means. Sometimes, for example, regular and frequent
affectionate gestures from his partner give the Dependent lover emotional
reassurance so that the sexual need isn’t as urgent and the Dependent partner
can tolerate some delay.

SENSES: The major sensual cue for Dependent libido types is likely to be their own
internal physical frustration, particularly as it builds to bodily unease and
agitation. Given that this physical need is present most days, you are sensitive
to any sensual cue from your partner; for example, cuddling or seeing your
partner naked will quickly enhance your sexual desire, and sometimes physical
proximity alone is enough for you to see that as an opportunity to try for sex.
While some form of physical discomfort may suppress the Dependent lover’s
desire, generally once there is a strong need for sexual release, the only way to
end it is with orgasm.

THOUGHTS: The Dependent libido type’s thoughts aren’t necessarily about planning specific
sexual activities but more about looking for opportunities for sex in one form
or another. You are likely to dwell on your feelings of distress and think about
sex as the solution to relieve them. If you have detailed sexual fantasies, you
 usually use these as an escape rather than as anticipation of sex with your
partner and may masturbate if the opportunity is available rather than wait for
partnered sex. When you are with your partner, you may become preoccupied
with when you will get the chance to have sex and feel impatient with your
partner if she does not give sex the same priority. Thoughts can suppress your
desire, most likely as some form of distraction, where you become preoccupied
by other issues or activities that are sufficiently important or engaging to
override your sexual urgency.

WANTS You want your partner to respond to sexual advances on almost all occasions,
FROM even if she doesn’t particularly feel interested in sex for herself. You would
PARTNER: prefer your partner to be enthusiastic, but given the choice of having sex just to
please you or no sex at all, you will choose sex. The ideal for you is for your
partner to initiate sex most of the time, as well as to be frequently strongly
affectionate, as this gives you great reassurance and comfort.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE DEPENDENT LIBIDO TYPE

IF YOU ARE a Dependent libido type, your need for regular sex in order to
feel loved and reassured, or to deal with bad feelings, can have a place in
your sexual relationship, provided you acknowledge that this is your issue
and you do not put that responsibility on your partner. You tend to interpret
any unwillingness on your partner’s part to have sex or be as affectionate as
you want as your partner not loving or caring for you or being selfish and
unreasonable, and this can happen if your partner is any of the libido types.
You may see your partner as controlling your sex life because you see the
situation in terms of her power to withhold the relief you seek, and it is
difficult for you to see your partner’s point of view. Some Dependent lovers
persistently try to initiate sex and become distressed even to the point of
tears or anger when the partner refuses. Can you recognize that your partner
has needs and wants too, and if these are not given equal importance, she
will feel burdened by the task of keeping you happy at the expense of her
own satisfaction? You are more likely to get the secure sex life you crave if
you are genuine in exploring what your partner wants in order to feel loved
and reassured, and take notice of other nonsexual ways that your partner
demonstrates love for you.
If you need regular sexual release to cope and without it you feel
agitated, anxious, disorganized, or depressed, your sexual desire is based on
negative feelings, not positive. I would encourage you to work on this issue.
First of all, become aware of your negative triggers, your thoughts,
emotions, and sensual cues, and seek ways of coping with them other than
masturbation or sex. Think about your sexual experiences in the last few
weeks: How often have these been motivated by feeling down, stressed, or
unloved? Take note over the coming weeks as to when you feel the desire to
seek either partnered sex or to masturbate. How often are you motivated by
negative, distressed feelings, or worried thoughts or by a bodily feeling of
agitation or tension?
Then, notice the happy, sexy, “want to be close to my partner” thoughts
and feelings that trigger your sexual desire. Try to make these the reasons
why you seek sex with your partner, and then sex can be more about mutual
pleasure and lighthearted joy with your partner. Perhaps you would find it
easier if you had the support of a counselor, because decreasing your
dependency on sex to cope with bad feelings takes time and persistence.
If your partner is a Dependent libido type, you will recognize the
agitation and distress that follows any refusal by you to have sex, even
though you may have sex regularly. This distress can be accompanied by
pleading and claims that you don’t care at all about your partner. This often
leads to your interpretation that your Dependent lover cares more about sex
than you, but this usually isn’t the case: Your partner’s love for you and his
dependency on sex are usually separate issues that have become entangled.
You may also come to question your own sexuality (an issue that is
particularly prevalent in Stressed and Disinterested libido types and can
even affect the more sexually confident Sensual libido type) because you
don’t seem to be able to satisfy your partner, and this may alternate with
anger that your needs are being ignored. You also feel that your partner is
the one in control of your sex life because you can’t get your point of view
heard.
Many partners of Dependent libido types are emotionally exhausted by
the time the couple come for counseling. Yet there are often many rewards
in other areas of the relationship that make it definitely worthwhile. If this
is the case for you, you need to emphasize to your partner all the reasons
why you value your Dependent lover and your relationship, but you need to
explain your limits in terms of having sex for your partner without
consideration being shown for your sexuality. If your partner challenges
your love, you will need to assertively state, and repeat, that you feel hurt
by that because you feel this discounts all the many ways you demonstrate
that love. In many ways, your situation is more difficult to navigate than
partners of other libido types, and I provide exercises and strategies in
chapters 14, 15, and 16 that will give you some guidance.
 Having a Dependent libido type can reflect an underlying depression or
anxiety, so perhaps if you suggest couples counseling as a means of
resolving the sexual problem, a skilled counselor can assess the situation
without allocating blame.
 6
THE REACTIVE LIBIDO
•DONNA OFTEN WONDERS why she missed out on the hot and
lusty libido that she hears so much about. She can’t recall ever
feeling overcome by a physical desire to have sex, although once
she gets into, it she usually finds pleasure in sex. Her greatest
enjoyment comes from seeing her husband Bruce gain his
satisfaction. Donna sometimes initiates sex simply because she
wants to see his delighted response, and other times she goes along
with his desire for sex. She will follow his mood into quiet and
gentle sex, or she tries different positions or techniques that she
knows he enjoys. If she really doesn’t feel like sex, she knows she
can say no without causing any upset, because overall their sex life
is satisfying for Bruce. Sometimes she becomes aroused and she lets
Bruce know that this is a time she could come to orgasm, and this is
a lovely experience, but she doesn’t need this every time. Despite
not being aware of any regular sex drive of her own, Donna can’t
imagine not having sex in their relationship, because it is a source of
deep contentment for her.

•TIM ENJOYS SEX and reads a lot of sex manuals and magazine
articles on how to be a good lover. As a young man, the main theme
of his sexual fantasies was of having sex with women who liked to
be pleasured by a skilled lover, and he usually reached his own
orgasm with images of orgasmic women clear in his mind. When he
began having partnered sex, he wanted to create that arousal and
satisfaction for the woman he was with. He felt inadequate and
unable to arouse if his partner was getting nothing out of his efforts
to give her a good time. Whenever the topic of sex came up with his
friends, he wasn’t trying to boast when he said that his greatest
pleasure during sex was satisfying his partner. However, he soon
realized that women don’t necessarily like the same thing, so he
always asked his partners what their fantasies were and what they
would like him to do, and he did his best to accommodate them.
Now he has been with Naomi for several years, and he happily
adapts his sexual needs to hers and is sensitive to her moods. If she
indicates that she isn’t interested in sex, he will satisfy himself with
 masturbation; when she responds to his sexual ministrations and
reaches an explosive climax, he feels on top of the world.

THE SEXUAL NEEDS of a Reactive libido type are finely tuned to those
of the partner. A Reactive lover values the emotional relationship more than
the sexual, but unlike Sensual lovers who want equal time in getting their
wants and needs met and can let their partner know what they find
pleasurable, the Reactive lover will ignore her own wants and needs if she
feels it isn’t what the partner will enjoy. Most of the Reactive lovers I have
seen are women with low physical needs themselves but who obtain
satisfaction in pleasing their partner. In this case, you may be content to
respond to your partner’s initiation and plan for sex, or you may like to take
a more active role and anticipate your partner’s sexual wants and needs.
Many Reactive lovers do not regard themselves as very sexual; however,
they do know that there is a lot to miss if sex disappeared from the
relationship.
Other Reactive libido types, male or female, may have a regular sex drive
but choose to ignore their own arousal or to masturbate because they do not
want to impose on their partner. For example, I’ve seen several couples who
differ in the best time of the day to have sex; one peaks in the morning, the
other at night. If you are a Reactive lover in this situation, you make the
effort to have sex when your partner initiates it even though you may be
tired or sluggish to arouse, but you rarely try to initiate sex if your partner
seems tired or uninterested.
A subtype of the Reactive libido type is the male who needs his partner’s
arousal for him to be able to become aroused. In this case, you put a lot of
effort into pleasuring your partner in order for her to turn on and come to
orgasm. You spend time with massage, you set the scene in the room with
candles and aromatic oils, you bathe her gently, you try to think of different
ways of bringing her to that relaxed and sensual state that she needs before
she can become hotly aroused. Then you explore what sexual touch builds
the sexual desire until she comes to a powerful orgasm. This is your
ultimate goal, and while you enjoy her attempts to arouse and please you, if
your efforts with her are not successful, your disappointment overrides your
own sexual satisfaction. There may be women who also need their partner’s
arousal as an essential cue for their own arousal and orgasm, but men
dominate this subtype.
Although it might seem that a Reactive libido reflects lack of self-
confidence or low self-esteem, this is only the case for the minority of
Reactive lovers. Many Reactive libido types are quite comfortable with
their sexuality, but their own sexual arousal and orgasm is either not of
great importance to them or their arousal depends on the partner’s arousal.
Your pleasure comes from giving pleasure, which can work well for your
partner, provided he is happy to take the lead and can confidently let you
know what he wants during sex. It may be, however, that if your partner is a
Sensual, Erotic, or Dependent lover, he wants or needs you to take the
initiative at least occasionally, which you try to do. This isn’t necessarily a
problem unless your partner, particularly an Erotic libido type, wants you to
be hotly aroused as well, in which case if your own libido is low, you
struggle to provide the sexual situation that most pleases your partner. Also,
if your need is for your partner to always arouse and come to orgasm, this
can create difficulties because it can put pressure on your partner to
perform.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: Sex has several different meanings for a Reactive lover, depending on which
subtype she is. For most Reactive lovers of either sex, it can mean expressing
love and commitment and making the relationship run more smoothly because
your partner is sexually content, while for others, pleasing your partner is as
much for your own arousal and sexual enjoyment as it is for hers. For all
Reactive lovers, your partner’s satisfaction can also empower you and increase
feelings of sexual competency.

BELIEFS: If your partner is sexually satisfied, the relationship is more likely to be

emotionally secure.

EMOTIONS: If, as many female Reactive lovers do, you feel that satisfying your partner
sexually is an extended form of affection, your willingness to have sex is
triggered by a desire for intimacy and to reinforce your emotional connection.
If you are a male Reactive libido type who needs your partner to arouse in
order for you to feel satisfied, your desire for sex is triggered by either your
own sexual feelings or not wanting to let your partner down if she indicates she
wants sex.

If you don’t feel desire yourself, your willingness to have sex when your
partner wants it can be suppressed if there is emotional conflict between you or
if your general sense of well being is low and you cannot muster any energy for
 sex. If you experience your own sexual desire, this can be suppressed by
feeling that sexual activity is unwanted by your partner; this isn’t necessarily
felt as a distressing emotion, more that for you the absence of the right
circumstances leads to a lessening of libido.

SENSES: You respond to cues of sexual interest from your partner; these may be subtle,
probably cues that you have learned to recognize over the period of your
relationship, or they may be clear, as for example, when he directly initiates sex
with sexual touch. Your willingness to have sex can range from feeling like a
neutral decision to participate, to a warm sensual feeling, or to your own sexual
arousal. The main sensual cue to suppress your sexual interest is a reversal of
the above process. If you have misread cues from your partner and discover
that sex isn’t on the agenda, you typically don’t persist.

THOUGHTS: If you are a low-libido Reactive lover, you probably don’t think about sex
much at all. Awareness of your partner’s sexual interest often simply leads to
the decision to be willing to have sex and to make sex an enjoyable encounter.
If you experience your own sexual desire and need your partner’s sexual
satisfaction in order to achieve your own, you will give a great deal of thought
to sex in terms of planning and fantasizing, but the thoughts that trigger
engaging in sex relate to recognizing her sexual interest.
If you do consider initiating sex because of your own sexual desire or you want
emotional connection, your partner’s perceived or clear lack of interest in sex is
enough to dampen your own interest and to make the decision not to pursue
sex.

WANTS You want your partner to comfortably express his sexual needs and wants and
FROM to be accepting of your choice to focus on satisfying those desires.
PARTNER:

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE REACTIVE LIBIDO TYPE

IF YOU ARE a Reactive libido type, it might seem at first glance that you
are the ideal partner, in that you are willing and happy to fit in with your
partner’s desires; and certainly many Reactive libido types are in healthy
and stable sexual relationships. Nevertheless, some partners of Reactive
lovers, particularly Sensual, Erotic, and other Reactive libido types, can be
discontented because they feel that the full responsibility for the sexual
relationship falls on them.
If your own libido is low, which is more typical of a female Reactive
lover, your partner may interpret the fact that you rarely initiate sex and you
don’t necessarily become aroused as you not desiring him, and he may
worry he is sexually unattractive or an inadequate lover. Can you find your
own reasons to want sex, not just to please your partner but for pleasure you
receive? Find some way of letting your partner know you want sex with him
and you love what he does for you. Let your partner know what you find
pleasurable—“I love it when you do this to me”—so he can feel the
satisfaction you want for yourself: the joy of giving pleasure. Your
preference to please your partner may be because you don’t enjoy many of
the activities that are assumed to be an integral part of sex—perhaps you
don’t like deep kissing or prolonged penetration—so you figure that at least
one of you should have a good time. You are probably well aware of what
you don’t like, and now I’m asking you to notice what you do find
pleasurable, even if it is nothing like you see in erotic movies. If you love it
when your partner tickles your back or brushes your hair or whatever it is,
let him know that so he has some clues as to how to make lovemaking a
mutually enjoyable experience.
If, as is the case with many male Reactive libido types, you believe that
you are being a good lover if you always turn your partner on and bring her
to orgasm, and in this way you can feel fulfilled, you may find that instead
of your efforts being satisfying, your partner feels pressured by your
expectations and therefore experiences sex as hard and unsatisfying work—
the exact opposite of what you are hoping to achieve. This may be the case
with a number of different libido types: Sensual, Entitled, Stressed,
Disinterested, and even other Reactive lovers. You need to challenge your
belief that always turning on and having an orgasm is what gives your
partner pleasure, and instead ask her what she would really enjoy. Other
libido types don’t necessarily need or want arousal and orgasm with every
encounter, and if you are in a relationship with another Reactive lover, my
guess is you are at cross purposes and are stressing each other rather than
giving each other the pleasure.
If you insist that your partner has sex your way so that you can be
satisfied, then you aren’t really interested in your partner’s pleasure, only
your own, in which case you are either a strong Entitled or Compulsive
libido type (see chapters 7 and 12), rather than a Reactive type.
If your partner is a Reactive libido type, how do you tell someone he or
she is being too nice, too accommodating? You may be confused as to why
you are unhappy with your sex life when your partner makes such an effort
to please you. You may feel guilty, ungrateful, or inadequate. Put those
feelings aside for the moment and try to identify what it is about your sex
life that leads to these feelings. Do you want your partner to take more
initiative rather than always wait for your lead? Do you want your partner
to stop trying so hard because it makes sex too serious? Does your partner
have one view of what you should find pleasurable when in fact this puts
pressure on you to perform?
It will be easier to get your partner to take more initiative if she does
experience sexual desire because it means she has her own sexual feelings,
which can motivate her to seek sex on her own behalf. Encourage your
partner to explore the reasons to want sex that are not just about pleasing
you. You can also work with her need to please you by telling her how great
it feels for you to be able to give her a good time and know that she is
sexually satisfied.
If your partner has no physical desire, nevertheless she may want to have
sex to please you and is happy to make that effort: She may appreciate sex
for emotional intimacy and sensual physical connection. Although she may
not get a great deal of pleasure from sexual variety other than because you
enjoy it, nevertheless she may appreciate simple sexual activities such as
gentle intercourse and sensual touch. If you are prepared to validate your
partner’s sexuality, then by pointing out how much pleasure you get from
her taking the lead sometimes, your partner may be able to make some
shifts in understanding that you need a mutually shared sex life. Help your
partner identify her reasons for wanting sex—the emotional, intellectual,
and sensual cues that she can use to actively initiate sex rather than waiting
for you—and encourage her to confidently tell you what makes sex
pleasurable for her even if it is quite different from the stereotype of great
sex.
If your partner can live without sex and gets very little out of sex other
than pleasing you, the situation is not so clear-cut. You may have to
interpret this as demonstrating love and desire for you, and not as “pity sex”
or “duty sex,” if your Reactive lover is acting on the desire to not let you
down. Unfortunately this may mean that you have to, in a sense, orchestrate
most sexual encounters, but over time your partner may become skilled at
anticipating your needs. Although you might wish for a more proactive
lover, can you appreciate that your Reactive lover is doing the best she can?
If your partner has definite views about what should give you pleasure,
you may have lacked the confidence to assert your true sexual wants and
needs and to be clear about what you don’t enjoy. If, for example, your
partner persists in trying to arouse you in ways that you find annoying or
insists that sex isn’t worthwhile unless you have an orgasm, and this isn’t
how it is for you, explain confidently what is pleasurable for you and
continue to communicate your preferences during every sexual encounter. If
your lover is truly a Reactive libido type, eventually he will adapt to your
suggestions, but if he persists no matter what you say, you may find it
helpful to look at chapter 7, “The Entitled Libido,” or chapter 12, “The
Compulsive Libido.”
 7
THE ENTITLED LIBIDO
•WHEN NICOLE WAS a teenager, she often felt out of step with
the traditional view of female sexuality. She had been aware of her
own sexual needs from an early age, and when she began partnered
sex, she was delighted when she was in a relationship with a man
who enjoyed sex as much as she did and who appreciated her taking
an active role. Her current relationship of five years is causing her
some distress. She and Barry have a two-year-old daughter, and
while this hasn’t impacted her sexuality at all, it seems to have
slowed Barry down. He works longer hours now to make up the
shortfall in their income because Nicole works part-time, and he
says he is too tired for sex during the week. Nicole wants sex more
often than that, and it is usually left to her to initiate sex. If Barry
does initiate it, it is no longer in that “can’t wait to have sex with
you” way, and he isn’t as interested in long, heavy sessions. Nicole
believes that Barry is not making any effort to meet her needs, and
she feels she is missing out on the sex life she is entitled to.

•FOR THE TWENTY years of their marriage, Gloria has accepted

Leo’s nightly expectation of sex. She was content with this, because
Leo was a good husband and provider. Sometimes she aroused and
came to orgasm, sometimes she didn’t. Sometimes she needed to use
a lubrication to make intercourse more comfortable. Overall she was
happy in their marriage until about a year ago, when she was going
through a rough time because of the ill health and subsequent death
of both her parents. She began to say no to Leo, and while he
tolerated that for a while, now he thinks it is time things got back to
normal. He tells Gloria that everyone has to do things they don’t
necessarily feel like doing—hell, he doesn’t want to get up at 5:30
every morning to go to work but he has to, so why should it be any
different for her to have sex when he needs it?

IN CONTRAST TO the Reactive libido type, a person with an Entitled

libido type is more focused on his own sexual satisfaction than his partner’s
wants and needs. While for some Entitled lovers this is based on selfishness
and lack of consideration for their partner, for others this belief in their
entitlement to having their sexual wants and needs met comes from what
they see and hear about sex in our society. Whereas in previous generations,
a person with an Entitled libido type would have based his expectations on
a belief in sex as a marital duty, today his expectations are more likely to be
supported by his belief that he is entitled to the sex life he assumes
everyone else is having. These Entitled lovers may otherwise be caring and
generous in the relationship, but their expectations about sex are fueled by
stories of other couples who have sex several times a week, with partners
who have strong lust for each other, and who regularly have variety such as
oral sex or acting out sexual fantasies. As in Entitled libido type, you may
use erotic material from books, movies, the Internet, or conversations with
friends, who are likely to be bragging about their sexual experiences, as
proof to your partner that what you want sexually is what everyone else is
doing and therefore your partner is being unreasonable in blocking you
from having it.
Entitled libido types may not necessarily need a great deal of variety;
there may be one or two themes that dominate your belief in entitlement: It
may be about how often sex should happen, it may be that you feel entitled
to touch your partner in a sexually direct way at any time and this should be
appreciated, it may be that you don’t want to miss out on a specific activity
such as oral or anal sex, or it may be that you want to experience your
partner initiating sex in the way you see in erotic movies. You believe your
partner is making “excuses” to avoid the sexual activities that you want, and
you see your partner as being in control of your sex life and unreasonably
denying you the sex life you should have.
Conversely, if your partner wants an activity that you are not interested in
or find unacceptable, if you are a strong Entitled lover you can react with
certainty that there is something wrong with them for making that
suggestion. For example, you may want to watch your partner masturbate or
use a vibrator but be horrified if your partner suggests that you masturbate
to relieve sexual frustration when she does not want sex.
The essential feature of Entitled libido type is your belief that your view
of sex is the correct one and therefore you find it difficult to compromise or
negotiate. From this perspective, features of an Entitled libido type can
occur with all other types, as individuals with any libido type may believe
that their sexual relationship should be conducted on their terms, and they
are unable to accept any variation on this. Thus, although a Disinterested
libido type (see chapter 10) would rather live without sex but understands
that her partner is unhappy with this, a Disinterested/Entitled lover believes
that it is perfectly reasonable to expect her partner to stay in a relationship
with little or no sex.
The straightforward Entitled libido type experiences sexual desire as
strongly physical, persistent, and urgent, in that you do not want to delay
having sex when you want it. Because you believe that the sex life you want
is entirely reasonable and as it should be, you can become irritated,
annoyed, or angry if your partner rejects your advances. If you are
concerned about your partner’s sexual pleasure, it is typically in terms of
your need to be aroused by her sexual excitement and response, and your
partner’s satisfaction is secondary. Although you may care deeply about
your partner, you tend to believe that there is something wrong with her if
she does not need sex as often as you want it, does not enjoy your sexual
touch as an expression of affection, and does not participate enthusiastically
in the activities you want and believe are an essential part of a normal sex
life.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: Your belief that sex is an expression of love in a committed relationship is
tempered by your definition of what a good sex life should be. In effect, your
sense of entitlement reverses this; that is, a committed relationship should
mean that you get the particular sex life you want irrespective of your partner’s
needs or circumstances.

BELIEFS: You believe that other people are having a better sex life than you are and that
you should not be made to miss out on the sexual experiences you want just
because your partner does not share your interest.

EMOTIONS: Both good and bad emotions can lead to your sexual desire. A feeling of well-
being can lead to sexual desire, and whil e these emotions may be about feeling
close and loving toward your partner, they are just as likely to focus on your
own sexual needs. If your partner responds with enthusiasm to your sexual
advances, you can feel great affection, which will enhance your desire. Your
sex drive may also build from feelings of stress or boredom, as you find
orgasm a good antidote to these emotional states.
Your partner’s rejection of your advances can cause annoyance and irritation,
which can depress your desire, although this usually delays it rather than
squashes it altogether. Also, if you are preoccupied with a stressful issue, that
 is, worried and trying to find solutions as opposed to just feeling stressed, sex
is not likely to be a consideration.

SENSES: Most of your sensual triggers come from awareness of your own sexual needs.
If you expect sex on a regular basis, you notice that you are ready for sex, or if
you want a particular sexual activity, your fantasies will lead to a buildup of
sexual desire. Because you don’t want to miss out on the sexual experiences
that you believe are your entitlement, your attention is easily diverted to sexual
feelings. This means you tend to be very responsive to any stimulation—visual,
auditory, or tactile—that is at all sexually suggestive, and these are greatly
enhanced if your partner responds and participates with any interest. If your
partner fails to respond to your sexual cues, you are likely to sulk and become
preoccupied with how unfair she is being, which usually leads to a drop in
libido. In general, however, if you don’t experience a drop in desire, you will
reluctantly masturbate.

THOUGHTS: Your thoughts of sex can be triggered by something as mundane as knowing

that it is the night that sex routinely happens—and if you expect sex every
night, for example, this means that preparing for bed would set off the train of
thought around anticipating sex. Opportunity for sex, perhaps a few hours
when the children aren’t around, might also lead to sexual thoughts. For each
Entitled libido type, it will depend on what you expect to be the normal
circumstances when sex should happen. Once you become aware of sexual
desire, the thoughts that enhance libido are about planning activities,
particularly those that you believe you are missing out on.

If your partner rejects your advances or suggestions, you persist to try to

change her mind, sometimes expressing annoyance, sometimes pleading. This
persistence is fueled by your thoughts that your partner is being unfair in
denying you something that you assume everyone is getting. Even if you
recognize that it is reasonable that your partner does not like a certain activity,
for example, anal sex, you generally take the view that she should still be
prepared to do it because it is important to you, something you want to
experience. You may say that if you can’t have this with your long-term
partner, who else will you be able to do it with?
Your thoughts of this kind will still sustain your sexual desire so the desire isn’t
so much suppressed by a particular line of thinking as it diminishes if it
becomes clear that sex isn’t going to happen.

WANTS You would really like your partner to stop denying you the sex life you want,
FROM whatever that may mean for you. You don’t necessarily keep looking for new
PARTNER: and exciting activities, but you are usually satisfied with the range of things
you believe are essential to a normal sex life. Provided your partner sustains
the routine in the long term, the rest of relationship can be smooth and
rewarding.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE ENTITLED LIBIDO TYPE

IF YOU ARE an Entitled libido type, you believe that you are entitled to the
sex life you want and you tend to interpret your partner as being
unreasonable or punishing for not conducting your sexual relationship on
your terms. If you feel you are being denied, you take this to mean that your
partner is controlling your sex life, and this can lead you to feeling
resentful. But even if these interpretations are accurate, how does that help?
Being entitled to something doesn’t mean you will get it. Look around you;
people are entitled to food, shelter, clothing, a good education, a reasonable
wage, good health, and so on, but that doesn’t mean that’s what everyone
automatically gets. You can choose to demand it, and if regular sex is more
important than mutually enjoyable physical and emotional intimacy and it
doesn’t worry you that your partner may give in just to keep the peace, you
may get what you want. I would like you to acknowledge, however, that
chances are that your ideas about a normal sex life do not reflect what is
really happening out there with other couples but is more about your
particular needs.
Trying to impose your sexual wants and needs on your partner regardless
of what she needs may ultimately cause your partner to withdraw from sex,
and so you may not be likely to get what you want in the long term. Your
sense of entitlement can cause difficulties for most other libido types,
because their sexual needs are being ignored. Two Entitled libido types in a
relationship are also likely to struggle to find harmony, as each has the
strong conviction that his or her own specific set of needs should determine
how their sexual relationship is conducted. If you want your sexual
relationship to have the best chance of continuing into the future, your task
is to be as interested in meeting your partner’s sexual needs as you want for
yourself.
If your partner is an Entitled libido type, it is difficult not to interpret this
as your partner not caring about you and your needs. If you can get into his
mind-set, however, your partner probably has a strong conviction that what
he wants is entirely reasonable, like expecting to be fed regularly, so from
his perspective being upset or annoyed that you won’t or can’t provide what
he wants is justified. While some partners of an Entitled libido type find it
easier and acceptable to go along with his expectations of a sexual
relationship because it keeps the peace, if you are not happy with this
option, you need to tackle the issue in a direct and confident way. Some
Entitled lovers are genuinely surprised to have their sexual ideas challenged
because they believe that everyone else is having the type of sex life they
feel entitled to, so a bit of research to show that isn’t how the rest of the
world are living (for example, only a small percent of couples have sex on a
daily basis) may be enough to get your Entitled lover to be more flexible. If
your Entitled lover takes the view that it doesn’t matter what anyone else is
doing, with an “I’m entitled to what I want” attitude, you have to be just as
strong in presenting the sex life you want and feel entitled to. You then have
to emphasize the importance of a win-win solution, because if one feels like
he or she is always giving in to the other, sex will remain a battleground and
eventually both of you will lose.
 8
THE ADDICTIVE LIBIDO
•KATE WAS THE last of her friends to have sex, at the age of
nineteen. Over the following ten years she lost count of the number
of partners she had. At the time she didn’t question what she was
doing. She enjoyed feeling attractive to men, she loved the thrill of
pursuing someone who initially seemed unattainable, and she felt
empowered by the satisfaction she gave and received. She had had a
couple of relationships that ended because she continued to have
other partners, but she wasn’t troubled by this because she believed
that in this day and age what she was doing wasn’t wrong. Now the
situation is different. She met Ed at a party a few months ago, and
they began dating. She is surprised by her feelings for Ed, because
even at this early stage she hopes there might be a future together.
However, she is worried because she still finds herself looking at
other men and wondering what sex would be like with them, and the
old urge to find out sometimes is hard to resist.

•JEREMY IS GENUINELY troubled. His wife Jennifer has finally

found solid evidence of his relationships with other women, and
they have come to counseling in the aftermath of the explosion this
caused between them two weeks ago. Jennifer had suspected for
most of their eight-year marriage that Jeremy had affairs, but he
always denied it and told her there was something wrong with her
for being so suspicious. They had many arguments about his open
flirting, which he always said was harmless and never led anywhere.
Now he admits to having sex with at least five other women—some
of these one-night stands, some affairs that lasted a couple of
months. His defense to Jennifer is that he was weak and couldn’t
help himself. If a woman reacted to his flirting and she wanted to
take it further, the excitement he felt was hard to resist. He has
offered to seek help because he said he wants his marriage to
Jennifer to survive; Jennifer has agreed because despite her feelings
of betrayal and anger, she feels she has to give their relationship a
chance because there are still good reasons to stay together.
 •GRANT AND MIKE are at the crossroads of their relationship.
They have been together for almost a year now, and while Mike is
more than ready to make a commitment, Grant isn’t. Mike knew he
was gay from an early age and had a couple of relationship before
he met Grant. Grant struggled with his sexuality, and it was only
with Mike’s loving support that he developed the confidence to
accept his sexual preference. Grant feels he has missed out on so
much of his sex life that he can’t resist opportunities for new sexual
experiences. He tells Mike he loves him and wants a future with
him, and has made many promises to Mike, but always breaks them.

WHEREAS THE DEPENDENT libido type needs the release of orgasm to

cope, the person with the Addictive libido type craves the excitement of a
new sexual partner to feel worthwhile or satisfied. An Addictive lover may
be in a long-term relationship he values but finds it difficult to resist
pursuing sex with someone else. There are two subtypes: those who prefer
to have casual one-night stands and those who engage in a series of affairs
over a number of years. Typically the Addictive libido type decides to go
for counseling when the long-term partner has found out about at least one
of the other partners, and the relationship is in crisis. The Addictive lover’s
activities may have continued undetected for many years prior to this.
There is quite a range of characteristics for the Addictive libido type. Do
you actively pursue new conquests, or only act if the “right” opportunity
comes along by chance? Even though there may be months or years
between new partners, do you feel unable to resist the temptation once you
meet a new potential partner with the right characteristics? Or are you
constantly on the lookout, so an evening out almost always means that you
see someone who presents a challenge you need to conquer?
You know you have met a new potential partner when being with that
person triggers high arousal and preoccupation with the thought of how to
take the relationship further. If you do nothing to control your desire, this
feeling will persist until sexual relations have occurred. Sometimes you
may be more aroused and determined if the target shows disinterest, but the
reaction that is likely to stop you is if she reacts with disgust or humiliates
you in some way. For some Addictive libido types, the interest in a
particular person may end once sex has occurred; for others, the ongoing
availability of a willing partner is easier or more satisfying than trying again
with someone else.
Some of you may experience guilt and regret and tell yourself you won’t
do it again, while others feel that what you are doing is harmless, enjoyable,
and acceptable, and it has nothing to do with your long-term relationship.
Typically, you describe your sexual desire for your partner in terms
different than that of your other pursuits: Generally, your desire for your
partner is described with less passion and urgency. You may even use this as
the reason why you need to seek other partners, blaming flaws in the
relationship overall or that your partner doesn’t satisfy you sexually in some
way (either in terms of frequency or feeling denied in some activities you
would like). However, many of you see your long-term relationship as
serving a different function in your life compared to the affairs, perhaps
providing stability or a family life with your children, and you want to
maintain a comfortable sexual relationship with this partner. You therefore
hope that your long-term partner doesn’t find out about the extramarital
activities.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: There are two schools of thought here: one is that Addictive libido types pursue
their interests because of low self-esteem, and the other that it is because of
high self-esteem (that is, they really do believe they are great lovers and, in a
sense, the new partner is lucky to be chosen). I think this is a good example of
the complexity of human sexuality because I have seen Addictive lovers from
both categories. Either way, for you, the meaning of your activities appears to
be an affirmation of your sexual attractiveness and abilities.

BELIEFS: Depending on whether you have high or low self-esteem, you believe that
pursuing other partners is enjoyable fun that does not have anything to do with
your long-term relationship, or you believe that what you are doing is wrong
but you feel you can’t help yourself.

EMOTIONS: Addictive libido types with low self-esteem may be vulnerable to the perceived
or genuine advances of others when they are feeling down, while those who
think they are great lovers may pursue others when they are feeling good,
successful, and attractive. Either way, the feeling of being desired by a new
lover is a powerful enhancer that you find difficult to resist.

The emotions that are likely to suppress your libido are variable, because even
the fear of discovery and the threat of the long-term relationship ending are not
enough for some whose need is strong. Nevertheless, for some, your feelings of
 guilt or fear of discovery can be enough to dampen your desire and give you
some control over your choices. The most powerful emotion that suppresses
your desire is a rejection from the potential partner that puts a dent in your self-
esteem, but this is temporary, and sooner or later you pursue another
opportunity.

SENSES: The cues that trigger an Addictive libido type’s interest in a particular person
vary from person to person. You may need the potential partner to take the
initiative by giving out signals of sexual interest, which you then find difficult
to resist, or you may become interested in someone you find attractive and
pursue her even if she shows initial disinterest. What defines attractiveness
may be a particular physical type, or it may have more to do with the person’s
attitude, perhaps playfully seductive or even the reverse, seemingly
uninterested and unattainable. The sensual cues that are likely to cause you to
lose interest in an individual are any indication that this person finds your
attempts to arouse interest as unacceptable, unpleasant, and definitely
unwanted.

THOUGHTS: There are many thoughts that feed your sexual interest in a new person. Some
thoughts center around the desirability of that person; others are the
justifications that you generally make to give you permission to go-ahead.
These would include themes such as “It’s on offer; I’d be a fool to say no,”
“Everyone else does it,” “My partner won’t find out,” or “Where’s the harm?”

Your sexual interest may be suppressed by thoughts that are in reaction to a

rejection by the desired person. (These may range from a realistic acceptance
that you can’t win them all to an interpretation that the rejection reflects on the
other person, not you, as in “She’s frigid,” or “What’s wrong with him?”) You
may also be trying to take control of your actions, so you may use reminders
such as, “This isn’t a good idea,” or “My partner has already had enough and
I’ve got too much to lose,” to walk away from a new opportunity.

WANTS Most Addictive libido types want blissful ignorance from the long-term partner.
FROM Many of you have denied your affairs for years, accusing your partner of
PARTNER: having a problem when he or she voices any suspicions. Despite this, some of
the Addictive lovers I have seen express relief that they no longer have to keep
living a double life.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE ADDICTIVE LIBIDO TYPE

IF YOU ARE an Addictive libido type and your partner is unaware of your
activities, how do you feel about what you are doing? Are you ready to
make some changes? Whatever interpretations you are making of your
long-term partner’s contribution to your behavior, if you value your
relationship and respect your partner, it is time to be honest, but you know
that there is a risk that your partner will walk away. However, I’ve worked
with many couples where one partner has disclosed a history of affairs
rather than waited to be found out, and if there is genuine remorse and a
clear intention to work honestly on the issues related to this behavior, some
couples do remarkably well in the long term. Regardless of the reasons for
your actions, are you ready to take responsibility for what you are doing?
My concern is that to continue pursuing other relationships may ultimately
lead to you losing many parts of your life you really value, so that any
short-term satisfaction you get from your conquests ultimately becomes
meaningless.
If your partner is an Addictive libido type, the first question to answer is,
on what grounds have you come to this conclusion? Believing your partner
is having sex with someone else because there are problems in your own
relationship may be the most basic misinterpretation of all. This is a
complicated situation, because some people have been suspicious of their
partner for years but been told they are being stupid or paranoid, and then
eventually the solid evidence proves they were right, but in other cases, the
doubts are unfounded. If you have found out your partner has had one affair
(which by definition is not an Addictive libido), you may be able to work
through the grief and lack of trust together, but if there have been multiple
affairs, you may benefit from seeing a counselor, who can help you identify
the underlying issues because discussions at home often go around in
circles. The hopeful signs that your relationship can survive and even grow
stronger are when the Addictive lover takes responsibility for his actions,
even if there are associated relationship issues, and your partner perseveres
with the working through process in the months following disclosure
instead of expecting you to let it go and move on. You can facilitate this
process by being clear with your partner why you want the relationship to
continue, but at the same time not allowing him to dismiss your attempts to
talk about what has happened. It is a complex situation to deal with,
because although you need to discuss what has been happening, it isn’t a
healthy situation for you if it remains the focus of your thoughts and
feelings well into the future. If after a few weeks you both seem to have
become entrenched in your positions, you in your anger and he in his
defensiveness, I would encourage you to see a relationship counselor.
 9
THE STRESSED LIBIDO
•MARK TRIES NOT to think about being alone with Anne after
the children have gone to bed. He knows she will want sex, and the
thought fills him with anxiety. He loves and desires Anne as much
as he ever did, but whereas during their early years together he had
known he could satisfy her, now he worries that he will let her
down. He isn’t sure when he began to find sex more of a trial than a
satisfying connection with Anne, but it was probably around the
time he was having trouble at work a few years ago. During that
time he found he came to orgasm a lot quicker than he usually did,
leaving Anne high and dry with frustration, because she preferred to
orgasm during intercourse rather than any other stimulation. She
tried to be understanding but her disappointment was obvious; as
time went on she started asking him what was wrong, why didn’t he
try to last longer? Mark then found he couldn’t always keep his
erection, and now it was easier to avoid sex than to face failing
again. He doesn’t know what to say when Anne wants to talk about
what is wrong with their sex life. Mark still wants sex, and often his
own frustration leads him to masturbate, but when Anne caught him
doing this, she really got upset.

•KATHLEEN AND LORI generally have a good relationship.

Kathleen had supported Lori through the turbulent period of coming
out about her sexuality and the hostility she received from some of
her family. Lori understands Kathleen’s passion for art and doesn’t
mind that she is the main income producer while Kathleen goes to
art school. Somehow, though, this easy relationship doesn’t translate
into the bedroom. Given their busy lifestyle, neither expects sex to
be an everyday occurrence, so in that way they are well matched.
However, given the irregular frequency, Lori wants to make the
most of every opportunity and takes a lot of time trying to arouse
Kathleen and bring her to orgasm. Kathleen finds this hard work as
she has never found it easy to orgasm and often prefers to have sex
that is more like an intimate cuddle, which Lori finds hard to
understand. Essentially it means that sex for Kathleen is less
pleasurable if she has to make the effort to climax every time.
 Kathleen’s interest in sex is declining, and on those occasions that
she does feel desire, she doesn’t let Lori know because she doesn’t
want another argument; she tries to avoid the topic as much as
possible.

•IN HER PREVIOUS relationship, Angela had always enjoyed

sex, but when that relationship ended she was celibate for a couple
of years. She missed sex, and she was an enthusiastic partner when
she and Scott first got together. A few months into their relationship,
Scott told her that he liked to experiment with different sexual
fantasies and wanted to explore these with her. At first she enjoyed
most of the things they tried, but then he asked her for anal sex. He
told her it was a normal activity that lots of couples did and showed
her Web sites about the practice. She found the thought revolting
and told him so, and he said he understood but he wanted to try it at
least once. He doesn’t ask her every time they have sex, but the
requests are becoming more frequent. Is she being a prude? She is
confused, and she finds herself avoiding sex, making excuses, and
preferring to use her vibrator occasionally if she feels the need for
an orgasm.

OF THE MANY couples I see with difficulties arising from mismatched

libidos, the partner less keen for sex is most likely to be a Stressed libido
type. An individual with a Stressed libido type typically has a past history
of wanting sex regularly and initiating and responding confidently, but now,
despite being aware of physical desire or emotional need for sex at least
sometimes, he or she would prefer to avoid it. The essential element of a
Stressed libido type is lack of confidence in the ability to perform sex in the
way that one or both partners expect. There are several ways a libido can
become stressed.
You may have developed your Stressed libido over time, in reaction to
feeling unable to meet your partner’s needs. Your doubts about ability to
perform may have arisen because your partner has indicated that sex isn’t as
satisfying as he or she would like it to be, sometimes by making a direct
comment on your performance or perhaps expressing dissatisfaction in
other ways such as sighing or withdrawing. However, your doubts may
occur not because of your partner’s expectations, but because of your own,
and without indication from your partner, you may have decided you are
failing in some way.
Perhaps your Stressed libido developed when you were going through a
difficult period in life, and the associated fatigue and worry depressed your
enthusiasm for sex and made it difficult to maintain your usual level of
performance. Life events such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a job,
moving to live in another area, financial pressures, long working hours,
even the positive experience of the birth of a much-wanted baby can all put
pressure on the individual or the relationship, and lead to at least one
partner finding that sex has become hard work. Were you having health
problems at the time that you began to feel under pressure about sex? Major
illnesses (such as coronary heart disease) to minor conditions (such as a
prolonged bout of the flu) can all affect sexual desire and performance.
During the time of illness, the lack of well-being can make both the mind
and body sluggish; sex may be the last thing the person feels like doing.
If you persisted in trying to maintain your sex life during that period,
either because you didn’t want to let your partner down or because you
didn’t expect you would have any problem, you probably found it
distressing not to be able to respond and perform in your usual way.
Although many couples acknowledge that sex can change during periods of
stress, many people can’t appreciate a low-key, basic sex life for a
prolonged period. More than a few weeks of downtime causes concern that
something is wrong, and this worry then becomes the major stress that
keeps the Stressed lover’s sex drive under pressure, so that even when the
initial stress has passed the sex drive remains depressed.
A common way that a person becomes a Stressed libido type is when one
or both are not prepared for the natural decline in the lusty feelings that are
typically present in the early stages of a relationship. Women more so than
men can find that they gradually lose the strong and urgent physical desire
for sex that they experienced when the relationship was new. This is quite a
normal process, when the relationship moves from the initial stage of
attraction and infatuation to the more stable companionship stage where the
woman’s sex drive is based on a desire for intimacy, which may then lead to
sexual arousal. If you experienced this loss of lust, you and your partner
may have become concerned about it and found it difficult to accept that
your sex drive had changed from physical desire to a willingness to have
sex once you feel emotionally connected. Stress builds up as you feel under
pressure to find your lusty sex drive again, and the thoughts, feelings, and
emotional cues that are part of your intimacy-based sex drive are typically
ignored or dismissed.
Whatever the initial cause, what pushes an individual into the Stressed
libido type is failure to adapt to the loss of physical desire and/or the
struggle to perform. For a male Stressed lover, his fear is that he will be
unable to obtain or maintain an erection, or if he can be aroused sufficiently
to achieve intercourse, that he will ejaculate quickly, and this performance
anxiety usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The female Stressed
lover often finds that the usual methods of arousal such as deep kissing or
breast or genital stimulation become annoying rather than pleasurable, and
she has to work hard to come to orgasm. A major source of conflict,
regardless of gender, is that you rarely if ever initiate sex.
Because of embarrassment or shame, you lack the confidence to talk to
your partner, which frustrates her even further and creates added stress.
Whenever your partner raises the issue, you become defensive and insist
there is nothing wrong. Because of your refusal to discuss the situation, you
don’t actually know if she is dissatisfied or not. Even if your partner tries to
reassure you that she is happy, you worry that she is only trying to spare
your feelings.
As a Stressed libido type, then, your performance fears make the thought
of sex a source of tension rather than pleasure or relaxation, so that even if
you experience the physical sensation of desire, the emotional and thinking
cues that enhance desire are absent. You fear you risk embarrassment or
humiliation if you have sex, or you feel that sex is just too much hard work
to get right. You may worry that you have a serious sexual dysfunction—
that is, that there is something wrong with you or that you are a clumsy and
inadequate lover.
A Stressed libido leads to denial of any sexual interest and avoidance of
sex with your partner. Despite this, you may masturbate to relieve sexual
frustration, which often confuses your partner, who can’t understand how
you can claim to have no interest in sex yet choose to masturbate.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: There is quite a gap between what you would like sex to mean and what it has
 come to mean. You experience considerable regret when you recall your
previous periods of having a good physical sex drive and reliable sexual
response. You want sex to be an expression of committed love and affection,
but your feelings of failure and inadequacy currently overwhelm this. Instead,
sex has come to mean fear of letting your partner down and of possible
rejection.

BELIEFS: Your belief that a good sex life is an important part of a loving relationship is
causing you heartache. You may recognize the connection between your fears
of failure and your unwillingness to have sex, but nevertheless, you have
become burdened by self-doubt and the belief that there is something very
wrong with you sexually.

EMOTIONS: Sometimes you experience sexual desire toward your partner when you are
feeling loved and loving, and your sexual interest can be enhanced if you can
genuinely feel that she accepts that you are doing the best you can and she
values whatever sexual involvement and response you can produce. This then
enables sex to be an expression of emotional intimacy even if it falls short of
what one or both partners would ideally want in terms of sexual performance.

SENSES: You may become sexually aroused to a range of sensual cues such as erotic
material, because, particularly the male Stressed libido type, you continue to
experience physical sexual frustration. Your partner can also elicit feelings of
desire either by sensual touch or sight, but you typically try to hide these
reactions in case it encourages your partner to pursue sex.

You usually find direct attempts by your partner to initiate sex anxiety-
producing unless on that occasion you feel confident enough that sex will be
okay. Sometimes you are in a more relaxed mood and believe you will not have
any performance problems, and your partner can, literally, seduce you, but this
doesn’t necessarily spill over into confidence at other times.

THOUGHTS: There are two strands to your sexual thoughts. The first train of thinking occurs
when you feel sexually frustrated and want sexual satisfaction but are anxious
about partnered sex. This leads to sexual fantasies and thinking about
opportunities to masturbate in private. You think that masturbation is easier
than having sex with your partner, so it isn’t necessarily your first choice, more
the lesser of two stressful alternatives. Thoughts of discovery may make even
this sexual activity unsatisfactory.
The other train of thinking is when you want or are willing to try sex with your
partner. If you think about sex with her and you are confident enough to
respond to her advances, the thoughts that enhance sexual desire center around
being able to focus on the pleasurable activities and not allowing yourself to be
distracted by thoughts of failure. It also helps if you believe that you can satisfy
your partner even if, for the male Stressed lover, you orgasm too quickly or
can’t maintain your erection, or, for the female Stressed lover, you don’t arouse
and come to orgasm.

You suppress any sexual feelings and deny any interest to your partner if
 thoughts of failure or worry that she will become upset or annoyed intrude on
any positive feelings and thoughts.

WANTS Given your fears, you mainly want your partner not to put any pressure on you
FROM for sex, or a particular type of sex (which may include intercourse if you are
PARTNER: unable to guarantee this). You truthfully say you still want regular sex despite
the avoidance, and typically your love and commitment to the relationship is
solid.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE STRESSED LIBIDO

IF YOU ARE a Stressed libido type, do you know what is making you feel
so stressed about having sex? Is it a specific fear? For example, are you
afraid that you won’t get an erection or you’ll orgasm too quickly? Or that
you will find sexual stimulation irritating or not be able to be aroused and
orgasm? Is it a general fear that you are an inadequate lover? Do you know
if these fears come from your own anxieties, or from something your
partner has said? If your partner is an Erotic or Entitled libido type, it is
likely she has made any dissatisfaction obvious, but other types such as
Sensual or Reactive lovers may not realize they are giving you a negative
message. It is important that you are clear in your mind where the stress is
coming from, because this stress may be distorting your view of what your
partner wants from you.
If you are having problems with ejaculatory control or erection problems,
it makes sense to address them directly. It is time to bite the bullet and find
out what your options are. There are many self-help books that are excellent
resources for these difficulties (see Recommended Reading at the end of the
book), or you can visit your family doctor. It also makes sense to take the
focus of your performance and explore other ways of achieving mutual
sexual satisfaction, because there is no guarantee that your performance can
return to what it was. The challenge for both you and your partner is to
work together to achieve emotional intimacy and sexual satisfaction that
does not depend on how long you last or how strong your erection is. This
will take confidence on your part to stop avoiding the issues and discuss
your stresses assertively (that is, not aggressively or apologetically) with
your partner.
In the same way, if you are a woman who takes a while to be aroused and
does not easily come to orgasm, there are many resources available to help
you find strategies to overcome this (see Recommended Reading at the end
of the book). However, you may already be doing the best you can, so you
may need to confidently talk to your partner about what makes sex
pleasurable for you. Think broadly about the type of touch and activities
you enjoy. There has been a shift in our understanding of female sexuality
in recent years, and we now know that sex is often about the need for
emotional intimacy rather than physical satisfaction. You may be striving
for a form of sex that is difficult to achieve and ignoring what makes sex
meaningful and satisfying for you, particularly if your partner is an Erotic
libido type. Your libido will drop if you continue to feel stressed by what
you or your partner perceive as your failure to perform.
Many Stressed lovers feel overwhelmed because they worry that in some
way they are an inadequate lover. Your partner may have her own fears
about whether you find her attractive, or whether it is her fault you are
avoiding sex, and she may be trying to get reassurance from you without
realizing the pressure she is putting on you. Before you can solve this
problem, you each need to know exactly what your partner is expecting,
and you need to be realistic about what is possible.
If your partner is a Stressed libido type, your own distress about your
partner’s avoidance of sex can make it difficult to deal with your sexual
problems calmly, particularly if you have discovered that your Stressed
lover still masturbates. It’s difficult not to interpret this as your partner not
finding you sexually attractive or caring about you. However, if the rest of
the relationship is good, it is important that you give him the benefit of the
doubt and create an atmosphere where he can talk to you about his general
feelings of inadequacy or specific fears of poor sexual performance.
Some women avoid sex because they feel pressured by the expectation
that they should feel aroused as soon as sex is initiated or that they should
always arouse and come to orgasm; some men avoid sex because they
worry they won’t get an erection or they’ll ejaculate quickly (or not at all).
Both sexes avoid sex if they aren’t interested in activities they believe their
partner expects. These pressures may come from their own beliefs about
sex, or from comments and reactions from their partners if they don’t
perform to standard. What are your expectations of sex? Can you be
supportive as your Stressed lover explains any fears, and can you provide
reassurance that you still want sex with your partner even if there are
difficulties with arousal and performance? Are you prepared to challenge
your views about great sex and look for what your partner can bring to your
sex life even if it isn’t what you ideally desire?
 10
THE DISINTERESTED LIBIDO
•JEFF MET ELLEN a few months after she had a tumultuous
break up of a two-year relationship. After the emotional upheaval
she had been through, Ellen found Jeff’s gentle manner combined
with a quiet self-assurance very appealing. She wasn’t concerned
when Jeff did not make any sexual approaches during the early
weeks of dating, because she thought he was being considerate.
They sometimes had cuddles and deep kissing, and eventually she
decided to take things to the next step. Jeff showed no hesitation in
responding, and although the sex wasn’t adventurous, Ellen found it
very comforting. This set the pattern for their relationship over the
next three years. Jeff was very affectionate but took it no further,
and sex only happened when Ellen made the advance. Sometimes
Jeff would go along with sex; just as often he said he didn’t feel like
it. If he does agree to sex, he has no problem with erection or
ejaculatory control. When Ellen talks to him about their sex life, he
simply says that he doesn’t need sex very often, and he doesn’t get a
great deal out of it when he has it. As an adolescent he had not felt
any need to masturbate. There are no health problems and his
hormone profile is within the normal range. He can’t promise that
his sex drive will lift; he has never promised Ellen anything more
than what had been happening so far. As much as he loves Ellen, he
says he will understand if she can’t accept what he has to offer.

•GINA IS JUST about ready to give up; she has reached the stage
where she wouldn’t care if she never has sex again. She began her
relationship with Troy with such optimism: They were so suited in
many ways, and in the beginning sex was fantastic. She felt just like
she thought she should, just like in the movies, she couldn’t wait to
have sex with him, and she could feel on fire with his touch. But bit
by bit, over the next couple of years, this desire slowly subsided. At
first she tried to tell herself it would be all right, and when she didn’t
get that hot feeling, she still tried to respond as quickly and easily as
she did in the beginning. But now she is over it, tired of the upset,
the doubt, the confusion. Did she love him? Did she find him
 attractive? Why didn’t she want to get into sex anymore? It has all
become just too hard.

•GRACE HAS NEVER understood what the fuss is all about with
sex. She has never felt any sexual desire, and in her relationships so
far she has gone along with it but has not particularly found it very
pleasurable. It’s okay; she certainly doesn’t feel disgust or shame.
She just can’t see why anyone would bother too much. She has a
puzzled reaction when she hears some of her friends talk with such
enthusiasm about sex and its pleasures—surely they are just trying
to put forward a false sexy image! Her partners have been variously
understanding and openly critical. She and Don have been together
for five years, and they have a three-year-old son. She was
motivated to have sex when she wanted to get pregnant, but they
haven’t had sex since she got the test results. Don is a reserved man,
and he has a busy and responsible job. Occasionally he tries to talk
to Grace about having sex more often, but nothing changes. Grace
believes that Don accepts her as she is, and doesn’t see the need to
do anything about their nonexistent sex life.

SOME PEOPLE CAN easily live without sex. While traditionally this has
been thought of as mainly a female state, there is increasing recognition that
there are men who don’t feel the need for sex, either. However, the pathway
to Disinterested libido type is not the same for everyone.
You may have been a Stressed libido type that has progressed to become
a Disinterested libido type, where the fear of sexual failure is so
overwhelming that the libido disappears. For you, sex holds no pleasure, as
the ongoing struggle to perform well and to please your partner have made
sexual encounters a tense feat of endurance. If you are a male Stressed lover
who has slipped into a Disinterested libido type, ejaculation difficulties
(either climaxing too soon or not climaxing at all) or erection problems
have become entrenched and you feel overwhelmed by performance
anxiety, and if you are a female Disinterested lover who has felt pressured
to perform, by this stage you rarely if ever achieve orgasm. These
Disinterested libido types would like sex to slip off the relationship radar.
 In the previous chapter I explained how some women who have
previously experienced regular lusty desire for sex, such as Sensual or
Erotic lovers, can become Stressed libido types when they, and/or their
partner, fail to adapt to a natural change to an intimacy-based libido. If
stress around her altered desire continues, she can become a Disinterested
libido type as she gives up the struggle to return to her previous lusty libido.
Nevertheless, to the great confusion of you and your partner, some of you
are still able to enjoy sex once you get past your initial reluctance.
Unfortunately, the awareness of both of you of your lack of physical interest
and the belief that sex drive must be based on lusty feelings means that
other cues for sex are ignored. Occasional flashes of desire or going along
with sex to please your partner can lead to satisfactory sex, but your lack of
confidence as to when this can happen means you generally try to ignore
your partner’s advances. For others who have moved from Stressed into
Disinterested, sex has become a tedious chore as you and/or your partner
persevere in attempts to get you as hot and lusty as you used to be.
There are, nevertheless, many individuals who have always had a low
libido. Although there is the belief that any male who says he hasn’t
masturbated is lying, there are young males who don’t have any urge to
experiment with masturbation, not through any fear or shame but because
they just don’t have the need. Many females do not experience any feelings
of sexual desire at any stage from puberty onward. The interesting thing is
that some naturally occurring Disinterested libido types have no problems
with sexual performance once they choose to have sex, and these
Disinterested lovers of both sexes may well find sex an enjoyable
experience, but the pleasure they feel still isn’t enough to generate
spontaneous interest to repeat the experience. Others in this group get very
little out of sex and feel it isn’t worth the effort because there are other
things they’d rather be doing.
As a Disinterested lover you rarely if ever masturbate, which is one of
the hallmarks of genuine low libido compared to other libido types that are
more about sex avoidance. Some Disinterested libido types may be able to
consciously choose to initiate sex occasionally, but this is based on the
knowledge that it pleases your partner than from any sexual need of your
own.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: Whether your Disinterested libido has developed as a result of stress or is
naturally occurring, sex does not hold an important place in your view of the
relationship. Whereas your partner may find it difficult to understand how you
can not want sex, you wonder why your partner seems to need it. Sex achieves
meaning for you through what it means to your partner: If your partner is
happy enough about infrequent sex, you may occasionally have sex as an
afterthought to emotional intimacy, but if infrequent sex is an issue for your
partner, sex for you becomes an obligation to maintain the relationship. You
may find your partner’s focus on sex offensive in that you interpret it to mean
that you are only valuable in the relationship if you are providing sex.

BELIEFS: You believe that there are other things in a relationship that are more important
than sex, and that emotional intimacy is expressed more by nonsexual
affection, communication, and shared lives.

EMOTIONS: Because you could live without sex, the emotions that might stir you to choose
to have sex are desire to please your partner and your own need for emotional
reassurance and connection. There may also be the additional emotion of fear
of your partner’s reaction if you say no yet again. For some Disinterested libido
types, however, while you may have little sexual need for yourself, you may
have a bemused tolerance of your partner’s need that creates a genuinely warm
feeling of affection that sometimes leads to arousal once sexual activity has
begun.

The lack of emotion that surrounds sex for some Disinterested lovers can go
either way: It can make it easy for you to choose to have sex, or it can mean
that you don’t recognize your partner’s need and so can easily ignore or reject
any advances.

Feeling pressured can certainly squash any willingness to have sex, and any
negative emotions such as fatigue, preoccupation, anxiety, depression, and so
on puts sex definitely off the agenda.

SENSES: If any cues are going to encourage you to choose to have sex, they will most
likely be soft, sensual, and nonsexual, such as gentle massage, stroking,
cuddling, laying together quietly talking, and so on. Often, indirect cues such
as spending time together, anything that promotes a feeling of connectedness,
are a necessary prerequisite, although these cues are not guaranteed to lead to a
willingness to have sex.

You generally need time to think about whether sex is a reasonable option, so
any direct sexual touch or indication that your partner wants sex, and wants it
now, are likely to be a definite turnoff.

THOUGHTS: The challenge for you is to have any positive thoughts about sex, so we’ll start
with the negative thoughts that are your usual reaction to any sexual advances
—for instance, “Sex? No thanks,” “Oh no, not now,” “I can’t be bothered,” “I
can’t do it,” “I won’t get an erection,” “I’ll come too quickly,” “It’s so
irritating,” and so on.
 If you are a natural Disinterested libido type, thoughts that can enhance your
willingness to have sex are likely to be along the lines of, “Why not? Now is
not a bad time. It would be nice to be close,” or if you can usually arouse once
things get started, “It would be nice to get into sex; an orgasm would be good.”
The Stressed/Disinterested lover has to make much more of a conscious effort,
trying to focus on any good reason to have sex rather than all the reasons not
to. Your ability to talk yourself into sex depends very much on whether your
partner can allow you to enjoy sex in your own way.

WANTS You need your partner to understand how difficult it can be for you to choose to
FROM have sex. Stressed/Disinterested lovers would rather be out digging trenches
PARTNER: than face fears of inadequacy, and the natural Disinterested libido type would
prefer to read a book or watch TV. Therefore, you want your partner to be
gently understanding and supportive of any efforts you make to try to meet
your partner’s wants and needs. Just as you need to focus on the reasons to
have sex rather than to say no, you need your partner to focus on what you can
bring to sex rather than what is missing.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE DISINTERESTED LIBIDO

TYPE
IF YOU ARE a Disinterested libido type, it can be difficult to feel that you
can live without sex, particularly in a world that puts so much emphasis on
sexual fulfillment. Disinterested lovers either apologize for their sexuality
or decide the best form of defense is attack and criticize their partner’s
sexuality. In either of these positions, you are focusing on what is wrong,
and, more than any other libido type, you need to identify reasons to have
sex if you are going to develop a meaningful sexual relationship.
Although we are working within an equal but different framework, the
reality is that in all cultures everywhere, sex is assumed to be an integral
part of a committed relationship, so it isn’t unreasonable that your partner
expects a sex life with you, particularly if your partner is a Sensual, Erotic,
or Entitled libido type. What does vary across the world are the beliefs
about sex that shape what form people expect their sexual relationship to
take. If you lived in a society in which you believed sex was your duty and
you weren’t expected to be passionately involved, perhaps you would have
sex more often and feel content that you were doing what was required of
you. In this culture, your low or absent physical libido and lack of concern
for sexual pleasure puts you at odds with the sexual expectations of most
other libido types. The effort required to live up to these expectations—
assuming that you could make yourself feel what you are supposed to and
enjoy what other people regard as fundamental to good sex—is just too
much for you, so you give up.
 If your relationship is at risk because you are a Disinterested libido type,
you have a decision to make. You can choose to avoid dealing with the
problems caused by the gap between your disinterest and your partner’s
desire for sex, or you can stop feeling guilty or defensive and take the
initiative to find solutions. If you take the first option, chances are your
relationship will continue to be strained, and the Cycle of Misunderstanding
arising from your different libido types is likely to worsen. If you take the
second option, you will do so from the equal but different position you have
learned from this book, and you will work from a positive basis that your
libido type is reasonable and valid, but so is your partner’s.
If you choose to work with your partner to find mutually enjoyable
compromises, let go of any feelings of guilt or defensiveness. You have not
chosen to be a Disinterested libido type, and my guess is that you wish you
did feel like sex and enjoy it as other people seem to. However, developing
a mutually rewarding sexual relationship with your partner can only happen
if you discover your positive reasons to have sex and look for what does
gives you pleasure even if it isn’t what you or your partner believe you
should enjoy.
We tend to think that sex drive should be a hot, “can’t wait to have sex”
feeling, and that this should lead to regular motivation for sex. However,
sex drive is not just physical desire. It is anything that helps you feel that
sex is a good idea. You will need to discover your sensual, emotional, and
thinking cues that help you say yes to sex more easily. Focus on identifying
what stops you from being willing to have sex, and then look for strategies
to challenge and reverse these thoughts, emotions, and sensual experiences.
For example, it will help to develop a way of thinking about having sex so
that you can get past the initial feeling of irritation when you know your
partner wants sex—something like, “I know once I get into it, it will be
fine, so let’s go ahead”—and let him know what type of foreplay helps you
decide that sex is a pleasant idea. Identify what actually is irritating (being
touched in a certain way, being asked to do something you don’t like,
intercourse lasting too long), and then identify what you get out of sex
(sensual touch, emotional closeness, orgasm, making your partner feel
good). Was it easier to list the irritating stimulation rather than the
pleasurable? Disinterested libido types tend to focus on the bad, and
because you feel you have to have sex to please your partner, you lose sight
of what is in sex for you.
 Be prepared to abandon at least some common beliefs about what good
sex is, and have the confidence in yourself that what helps you want sex,
and how you enjoy it, is as valid as your partner’s wants and needs. Most
partners of Disinterested lovers want to find a mutually enjoyable sex life
but have been as lost and confused as you are. Your partner is probably
worried that he is doing something wrong that has turned you off, and this
has been reinforced if you have only been telling him the negatives.
Discovering the positive side of your sensual and sexual self can be very
powerful and rewarding, and you may be surprised to find that you enjoy
being your own sexual person (see Recommended Reading at the end of the
book).
If your partner is a Disinterested libido type, it is difficult to understand
that she could live without sex, and the challenge for you is to help her find
reasons to say yes rather than no to sex. Sometimes this is relatively easy if,
once she gets into it, your Disinterested lover has no performance problems
and usually enjoys it. In this case you have to come to terms with the lack
of physical sex drive and discover other cues that will help your partner
decide that sex is a good idea—such as the desire to be close—to feel
interested in having sex. This is going to be challenging for you if you are
an Erotic libido type, but other types such as a Sensual or Entitled lover
may also struggle with it.
If your partner has become a Disinterested lover because of the
accumulated stress of performance worries, your role is to be as supportive
and understanding as possible so that you can encourage him to address the
problems. He very probably feels inadequate and worried about letting you
down and is probably defensive when you raise the topic if he feels you are
criticizing him. If you want your Disinterested lover to begin to feel
confident about having sex, you will need to let him know that whatever
happens, it is still a good thing to be emotionally and physically intimate.
Explore alternatives that get around the specific problem your partner is
experiencing.
If your partner doesn’t get much physical pleasure out of sex, you will
need to explore together ways of achieving emotional connection through
sensual rather than sexual stimulation. It is important that you do not take
the “I’m normal, you’re the one with the problem” position, as this
disempowers your partner. Your Disinterested partner will then become
defensive and withdraw from any process to work through the mismatched
libidos because her sexuality is being negated. It is possible that she has
told you in the past what helps and what doesn’t, but these ideas have been
dismissed because they aren’t what you have believed are “normal.”
If you know that your relationship is essentially sound, don’t assume that
your partner’s lack of interest in sex reflects a lack of caring for you. You
have both struggled with this issue, but in the past it has seemed as if you
were on opposite sides. By joining forces you have the chance of
discovering a more satisfying and enjoyable sex life.
 11
THE DETACHED LIBIDO
•WILLIAM IS A worried man. He has worked for the same
company for most of his adult life, and now a downturn in sales is
threatening the viability of the business. He has lived under the
threat of losing his job for almost a year. All the workers are putting
in extra hours, but it doesn’t seem that this will be enough. William
considers himself lucky to have the support of his wife Marilyn, but
he knows their marriage is under pressure. Sex has slowly dwindled
to less than half their usual frequency, yet when they have it,
everything is fine, even if a little more subdued than usual. He
doesn’t think about sex because he is usually preoccupied with what
he has to do at work. He becomes aware of his sexual frustration
some mornings in the shower, and it is easy to use masturbation to
relieve this physical tension.

•JESSICA HAS BEEN married to Tom for thirty years. They had
started with nothing and worked hard together to build a secure life
for themselves and their three children. Jessica loves Tom; she feels
he epitomizes the meaning of “a good man”: loyal, hardworking, a
devoted father. Their sex life, however, has always been
disappointing for Jessica. Tom is a predictable lover, and even
though he tried to make changes when Jessica talked to him from
time to time about their sex life, he can’t bring the spark to sex that
Jessica is looking for. Now she can’t be bothered having sex
anymore with Tom, yet she often fantasizes about sex with other
men and had an affair some years ago when she discovered that sex
can be as passionate and satisfying as she has imagined.

THE DETACHED LIBIDO type develops when an individual continues to

experience sexual desire but feels it is a low priority in the relationship at
this time. The significant factors that describe the Detached libido type are
that you do not feel sexually inadequate or stressed about sexual
performance, but for one reason or another, you prefer to avoid sex with
your partner and you satisfy any sexual frustration with masturbation,
which may happen regularly. You see this as a quick, easy, and convenient
way of dealing with sexual tension and getting on with other more pressing
matters. However, sex may continue from time to time with your partner,
either because that is a reasonable way to relieve sexual frustration on that
occasion or to continue some intimate relationship with your partner
because you don’t want to put your relationship at risk.
There are two subtypes of the Detached libido. The first develops in
reaction to a life stress of some kind. A common circumstance that leads to
a Detached libido type is if you have a stressful and demanding lifestyle and
you feel there is no time for partnered sex, there are always more important
things to be done. The workaholic is a good example of this. In this case,
you often return to “normal” levels of sexual interest and ability to respond
to your partner when you are on vacation, when your pressures and
preoccupations are significantly reduced.
The second subtype develops as result of difficulties in your relationship
so that you aren’t interested in sex with your current partner. These
problems may be particular issues that cause friction between you, a more
general drifting apart, or a specific lack of sexual attraction and satisfaction
with your partner. You still feel sexual desire but do not feel you can share
this with this partner, yet you choose to stay in the relationship for reasons
that are meaningful to you even though there is little or no intimacy or
sexual attraction toward your partner.
A Detached libido type can develop if you feel that your partner has
sexual expectations that you can’t or don’t want to meet—for example, if
she expects an activity such as oral sex on most occasions during sex or
wants a particular sexual ritual such as using a fetish (discussed in chapter
12), or you prefer to avoid the prolonged sexual encounters your partner
expects. In this case you may care about your partner and want the
relationship to continue, and you don’t feel stressed about sexual
performance, but you choose to avoid partnered sex because the activities
she wants are unpleasant or boring to you.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: Under good circumstances, for you sex does mean the expression of intimacy
and commitment, but having other competing demands such as work
obligations or being in a troubled relationship diminishes the importance of
sex, and it can come to mean a distracting burden.

BELIEFS: Your beliefs are that sex is definitely a good thing but it just isn’t a high priority
 right now, so it’s best to find a quick and easy solution to any sexual
frustration.

EMOTIONS: If you aren’t preoccupied with other matters, sexual desire can be fueled by
feeling relaxed, companionable, and intimate with your partner, and generally
having the time to appreciate that life is good. If the relationship with your
partner is poor, then spontaneous desire triggered by general feelings of well-
being are resolved by masturbation.

Even if you begin to feel interested in partnered sex, sexual desire fades if your
partner pressures you for sex and to give more than you are prepared to
provide. Other emotions such as fatigue and competing demands can cause
sexual interest to fade.

SENSES: You can become interested in partnered sex even if there are other competing
demands if you and your partner can find an island of time and connection
amidst the general busyness of life. If your relationship is essentially sound,
your partner can sometimes break through your preoccupation by relaxing,
gentle sensual touch as a prelude to any sexually direct stimulation. If the
relationship is in trouble, partnered sex is only likely to happen if a temporary
lull in the tension makes it okay to act on independent sexual desire rather than
sensual cues from each other. If the problem is more lack of sexual chemistry,
sex may happen from time to time to relieve sexual frustration but also in
response to affectionate intimacy, which creates a climate where sex is about
appreciation of your partner’s good qualities even if sex isn’t going to be great.

The sensual cues that diminish your sexual interest on those occasions you
would consider partnered sex are if your partner tries too hard to get action
happening quickly and intensely.

THOUGHTS: You generally don’t allow sexual thoughts to intrude, and when you do, you try
to push the thoughts aside, so it is only when the need for sex becomes difficult
to ignore that you will allow the mind to dwell on images of sex, and to
anticipate sexual satisfaction.

You can easily be distracted from building sexual feelings by intrusive thoughts
of work that needs to be done or other demands that compete for your time and
energy. Thinking about general issues that annoy you or specific sexual
expectations that turn you off diminish sexual desire if you are in a troubled
relationship.

WANTS In general you want your partner to participate in sexual opportunities when
FROM they suit you, and not to pressure you to perform sexual activities that you find
PARTNER: tedious or boring.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES FOR THE DETACHED LIBIDO TYPE

IF YOU ARE a Detached libido type, you need to work out why, despite
feeling sexual desire, you feel detached from sex. If you feel overwhelmed
by work or other demands, you need to be open with your partner about the
pressures you are under. Think back to the time when your libido began to
change. You may have been a Sensual, Erotic, Reactive, or Entitled lover,
but at some point your desire for partnered sex diminished and it became
easier to masturbate. Ask yourself what was happening in your life around
that time? What were you preoccupied with that was leaving you worried
and tired?
You may worry about what your partner thinks, that you are letting her
down, but she may be more understanding than you expect, particularly if
she is a Sensual or Reactive libido type. If your relationship is essentially
sound, you need to clear up any misunderstandings she may have about
whether you love her or find her attractive, and you need to let her know
what might make it easier for you to have sex more often. If, for example,
you are worried about whether you can satisfy her because you lack the
energy for much activity, she might be open to the suggestion of
experimenting with a vibrator, or she may reassure you that she doesn’t
need to climax every time to enjoy sex.
If you lack sexual attraction or feel dissatisfied with your partner but feel
you have tried everything possible to make your sex life work without
success, yet you don’t want end your relationship, you have a difficult
decision to make. Are the reasons to stay enough to help you accept your
less-than-good sex life? If you focus on what is good and worthwhile
between you, can you find meaning and satisfaction with what your partner
has to offer? If you are a Detached/Sensual lover, you may be able to make
this compromise, but if you are a Detached/Erotic libido type, it will be
quite difficult for you.
If there are relationship problems, it makes sense to address these rather
than put the spotlight on your sex life. This isn’t meant to be simplistic
advice, because there may be quite complicated issues involved, but if you
want your relationship to improve, sex is not the place to start.
If your detachment is due to other life pressures, so that you feel sex is
not a priority, your partner needs to understand why you have withdrawn,
and you need to hear how that affects her. It is likely that not only has sex
decreased but other forms of affection and intimacy. This happens either
because of your fatigue and preoccupation with other things or because you
avoid any intimacy in case it leads to your partner wanting sex. This may be
more upsetting to her than the decreased sex. Begin by spending a few
minutes each day chatting to your partner, make sure you don’t leave home
without a good-bye kiss, and say, “Hi, it’s good to be home,” when you
return. Spend more time doing things as a couple, maybe going for a walk
or to the movies. As you build this intimacy, it will become easier to talk
about the more serious problems that are worrying you. With understanding
and support there is the opportunity to strengthen your emotional
relationship, which may lead the way to sexual solutions.
If your partner is a Detached libido type, you may be quite confused
about why he has withdrawn from sex. Start with the basics: If he has a
demanding job, or is combining work and study, or there are pressures that
make sex not a priority, it is likely that he is telling you the truth when he
says he isn’t interested in sex even if you know he masturbates sometimes.
Rather than assume that your partner doesn’t care about you, try to validate
these pressures and not challenge your Detached lover’s avoidance of sex
by calling these “excuses”—they aren’t excuses; they reflect your Detached
lover’s sexual reality. In this case, rather than avoid sex altogether, you need
to explore how to make sex simple and easy for as long as those pressures
last. This is what I describe as relationship sex: low-key sex to maintain the
emotional connection.
Relationship sex is often brief, quiet, and gentle and may involve
alternatives to intercourse because trying to overcome performance
difficulties is too stressful. You may have to take the lead in suggesting this
more subdued form of sex, as your partner may be reluctant to do so if he
worries you will think he is just being lazy. You will have great difficulty
with this approach if you are an Erotic libido type, and an Entitled lover
may also not be happy if this cuts across what you want for yourself, but
most of the other libido types may accept this as a reasonable alternative.
However, if you are arguing a lot about other issues or your partner is
trying to tell you about aspects of the relationship that are causing
unhappiness, it is likely that your partner’s detachment from sex relates to
those issues. Focusing on sex as the problem isn’t likely to get you very far.
If your partner says there is a problem, there is, by definition, a problem,
even if you don’t agree with his take on the situation. Being dismissive,
insisting nothing is wrong, won’t make things better and may hasten the end
of your relationship. Can you be open to exploring those issues that are
important to your partner and to working through any damage that is being
done because of a lack of clear communication and misinterpretations?
 If the issue is that your partner is dissatisfied with your sex life, it can be
painful to hear that he doesn’t want to keep trying to work on the situation.
You may be desperate to improve things because you fear the relationship
will end, but if this problem has been dealt with in depth before and nothing
has changed, you are both in a very, very difficult situation. Although some
people worry whether they are staying with a partner for the “right”
reasons, generally this refers to the belief that couples should stay together
only if they are truly suited and in love. However, the reality of your life
may be that issues such as children, finances, family networks, and so on
are important reasons to stay together. The challenge then is for you and
your partner to build the best relationship you can under the circumstances,
and you may benefit from assistance from a counselor.
 12
THE COMPULSIVE LIBIDO
● ADAM ALWAYS FINDS it difficult to decide when to tell a new
partner of his cross-dressing. He has been in several relationships.
He has been married twice and has four children from the marriages.
Now he is several months into his relationship with Judy. She is also
divorced with two children, but she has been on her own for six
years. He kept his sessions with dressing up in women’s clothing a
secret from his first wife, and that had ended in disaster when she
came home unexpectedly one day and caught him in his complete
outfit, including wig and makeup. In his second marriage he tried to
ignore his needs, and he managed that for about a year, and then he
told her. She was good about it but didn’t want anything to do with
it herself, and the strain became too much for them both in the end,
particularly as he was also juggling the demands of fatherhood with
his two sets of children. He decided to be much more open with
Judy, so he told her during their second outing together—but he
didn’t tell her everything, just that he liked to dress up in women’s
clothing. Judy at first seemed interested and accepting, but already
the problems are starting to show. He wants to be able to dress as a
woman while he is at home, and she has agreed that this is okay
sometimes, and he wants to wear feminine nightwear to bed and
while they are making love. Judy says his cross-dressing is like a
third party in their relationship, and when they make love she isn’t
sure whether it is being with her or wearing the clothes that is more
important for Adam. She wonders if he is with her because she does
go along with what he wants, and she is also feeling that her needs,
the sex life she would like to have, aren’t being given equal
importance.

● ALISON GREW UP reading romance novels, some of which in

today’s world are explicitly erotic. She gets turned on by the sex
scenes of seduction and hot passion and often masturbates while she
is reading. She enjoys other erotic material, some movies with a
high sex content, and some material on the Internet. What she
enjoys is the intensity of feelings, the raw desire that the couple
have for each other, and this is what she seeks from her partner. She
 has had the “I can’t keep my hands off you” sex with one boyfriend,
but that relationship didn’t work out for other reasons. Now she is
with Jude, and it was great for a couple of years, but she is
becoming frustrated. They still have sex, but it doesn’t have the
lusty urgency it used to have, and she feels he doesn’t really desire
her. She has to use her fantasies if she is going to have any chance
of getting aroused, because without that feeling, sex seems like a
routine chore and she can’t turn on.

● MITCHELL HAS PROMISED Pattie many times that he won’t

spend so much time looking at porn on the Internet, but he keeps
going back to it. He feels a mixture of guilt and annoyance when
Pattie brings up the issue. He knows that she has good reason to be
unhappy because sex is so infrequent now, but it would help is she
got off his case for a while! He began using Internet porn with
masturbation when he was a student. At first it was an easy way to
unwind after study and working on papers, and then he found he
was spending more and more time on it. He liked the buzz he got
from the exciting sites he visited, and he got a much better sexual
“hit” than masturbation without it. When he met Pattie, he thought
that he would move on and not want to use the porn anymore, but it
wasn’t long before he found himself wondering whether there were
any new sites or thinking it won’t hurt just this once, and then it
became a regular occurrence. Finally Pattie told him she wasn’t
happy with how often he used the Internet and that she felt excluded
from his intimate life. She felt like she couldn’t compete with the
attraction on the porn and that it was as bad as if he were having an
affair. He tried to tell her she was overreacting, but even when he
told himself he would stop, it didn’t last more than a few weeks.

SOME PEOPLE WANT to be in a relationship, but in order to become

aroused and achieve sexual satisfaction, they need to use specific objects or
rituals that may or may not involve their partner. If you are a Compulsive
libido type, your need is more than just wanting variety or to push the
boundaries in sexual experimentation, like the Erotic type. In fact, in direct
contrast to the Erotic libido type, you have a definite sexual routine that you
don’t like to vary in any major way. Not only do you experience recurring
intense arousal by fantasizing or carrying out sexual activities that
incorporate a specific object or a particular ritual, but this desire is
experienced in a compulsive way that makes it difficult to resist, and you
struggle to arouse unless this activity is part of any sexual encounter. There
are similarities between the Compulsive and Dependent libido types, in that
the sexual behavior is often triggered by stress and sexual release has a
calming effect. The difference between these types is that the Dependent
lover has no specific ritual; rather, it is achieving orgasm one way or the
other, and often as quickly as possible, that is important.
This type of libido has two subtypes. One involves objects such as shoes,
silk, leather, specific items of female clothing, and so on, and is commonly
called a fetish. The object of desire is incorporated into the sexual act, either
during masturbation or partnered sex. The second subtype involves
situations or rituals that may include other people. Common activities
include exhibiting the genitals, observing others in intimate situations such
as having sex, undressing or going to the toilet, and rubbing parts of the
body against unsuspecting individuals in places such as crowded public
transport. Almost anything, however, may come to be an important or
essential aspect of arousal for a Compulsive libido type, such as being
treated like a baby (including using a diaper and wanting the partner to
change it) or needing a specific piece of material wrapped around the penis.
As a group, this compulsive sexual need is known as a paraphilia.
Although many people prefer a particular type of sex or activity or are more
attracted to a partner with particular physical characteristics, this would
only be considered a paraphilia if it is not within the range of usual or
acceptable sexual behavior in society.
There isn’t a good explanation of why a paraphilia develops. In some
cases, early signs appear as young as six years old, while in others it may
not emerge until the early twenties. Most commonly, it begins in
adolescence and is established by the twenties. It can be mild, in that you
don’t always need to engage in the activity to have satisfying sex, and the
need is usually only powerful if you are stressed. It may be moderate, in
that you want to act on your sexual preference in most sexual encounters
but can have sex without it. Or it may be strong, in that you can’t arouse
without using the sexual ritual either in fantasy or real life. It may be partial
in that you keep the ritual private and separate and can have sex with your
partner without requiring the object or ritual to be involved (although you
may fantasize about it in order to arouse during partnered sex). Sometimes
it is opportunistic, in that you may not give a great deal of thought to the
special object or ritual unless the opportunity presents itself; in other cases,
you will go to great lengths to set up the circumstances.
While activities such as bondage and discipline or using erotic material
on the Internet are now becoming more common, the criteria that defines
when these activities can be regarded as a psychological problem is when
you have little control over when and how often you engage in them. (More
on the use of the Internet coming up in the chapter.) In this case, you may
either find it difficult to arouse unless the specific requirements are met, or
you may get a much better feeling from your paraphilia than sex with your
partner. Although you may have been able to keep your paraphilia a secret
for years, for some, particularly if your paraphilia is moderate to strong,
your activity creates a problem either in your personal relationship or in
other areas of life (e.g., getting in trouble with the law, interfering with
ability to carry out work). As much as possible, however, you try not to
think about these consequences. Sometimes you get to the point where you
vow that you won’t do it again, but over time sexual tension (which is
experienced as agitation) builds, and ultimately you either allow or feel
unable to control yourself from performing the ritual again. Acting out the
sexual scenario produces a tremendous high (from descriptions given to me
by various Compulsive libido types, this is much more intense than the
average person feels), followed by a feeling of great calm, but this may be
short-lived if you feel guilty about your behavior. Some Compulsive lovers
are comfortable with what they do and can justify it to themselves or others,
which isn’t a problem if it isn’t interfering with their lives in other
important ways or impinging on the rights of others. Being blocked from
acting on the increasing sexual desire leads to agitation, irritation, and
sometimes disorganization and inability to concentrate on other demands,
but this in turn then leads to a greater calming or tranquilizing effect when
you finally succeed in completing the behavioral sequence.
If you have a mild paraphilia or it is one that is quite separate from your
relationship, your partner may remain unaware of it. You might, for
example, have a private collection of shoes or female underwear that you
use from time to time during masturbation, or your exhibiting may remain
undetected for many years. Relationship problems arise in these
circumstances when the partner does find out, and she feels she does not
really know the man she has been married to all these years.
This type of libido interferes with the Compulsive lover’s capacity for an
intimate relationship when you do not need sex with your partner because
your particular requirements for sexual arousal exclude a partner, or you
need her to play a role in your sexual ritual in order to become aroused. For
example, you may require her to wear specific clothing or carry out certain
acts such as tying you up or allowing herself to be tied up. In the latter case,
she may initially be happy to go along with your sexual scenario but over
time can become hurt or resentful if it seems to her that your main focus
during sex is on the object or ritual. This often feels to your partner that her
needs are not important to you, because you may put pressure on her to
have sex to meet your needs but show reluctance to meet her needs. For the
strong Compulsive lover, your partner’s complaints either that sex is
infrequent or that it only happens on your terms, creates tension and
conflict.
It is worth giving a special mention to the use of erotic material on the
Internet, as conflict about this is becoming an increasing feature with
couples who seek counseling for mismatched libido. People who would not
normally come into contact with such material now have easy access to
pornography of all kinds and to chat rooms dedicated to interests ranging
across a broad spectrum from bondage and discipline to adult baby rituals.
Some people become fascinated by this material and spend hours every day
and night on their computer, creating tension in their relationship. There is
an argument as to whether such frequent use, particularly when it leads to
decreasing sexual frequency with a partner, is an addiction or not. If this is
your situation, the test for this relates to how much conscious control you
have over use of the Internet and the reasons for this use. If you are
avoiding sex with your partner because of fears of inadequacy, this is more
correctly a case of a Stressed libido type; if you are preoccupied with other
life pressures and you are using the erotic material as an easy fix to sexual
frustration, this fits into the Detached libido type. However, if you continue
using the Internet despite promises to either yourself or your partner, and as
a result you don’t have the time or interest in partnered sex, then this
suggests that your need for this activity is becoming compulsive. In this
case, if you get a better sexual high from using the Internet than from sex
with your partner, you may become unable to arouse with your partner not
because of any fears of failure but because the right stimulation isn’t
provided. Your use of Internet pornography can then have a serious impact
of the relationship.

KEY CONCEPTS
MEANING: For you, carrying out the specific behavioral routine is not primarily about the
expression of love or emotional connection (although that may be part of your
desire), but about satisfying your inner needs that have arisen from increasing
physical tension and mental preoccupation. If you are able to maintain a
separate sexual relationship with your partner in which the paraphilia plays
only a minor role, then partnered sex can be about emotional intimacy between
you.

BELIEFS: You may believe that your special sexual requirements are unusual and regard
them as a problem and go to some lengths to hide them. However, it is more
common now to see Compulsive lovers who believe that their needs are an
important part of who they are as an individual and are confident enough to ask
their partner to accommodate them.

EMOTIONS: The emotional states that fuel your sexual desire are often stress and agitation,
but if you are comfortable with your paraphilia, then feelings of well-being can
also bring on a pleasurable anticipation of the next time you will be able to
engage in the ritual.

Negative emotions such as fear of discovery and possible humiliation may put
a hold on your plans, but if the paraphilia is strong, this does not necessarily
mean that the desire is suppressed. If the paraphilia is relatively mild, you can
be distracted by other demands of life, and in this case the need and urgency
may fade until the next opportunity occurs.

SENSES: You may have a collection of erotic material or objects that you use regularly to
stimulate your arousal, but any accidental contact (visual, auditory, or tactile)
with anything connected to the specific paraphilia can trigger excitement.

Depending on how aroused or preoccupied you become from this contact,

withdrawal of the material or lack of opportunity to act may decrease your
sexual desire.

THOUGHTS: Many Compulsive libido types try to control their compulsive behavior either
because they feel it is wrong (even mild Compulsive libido types may feel
guilty about acting on their desires occasionally) or because it takes up too
much of their time and is affecting other areas of their life. Nevertheless, you
experience a typical thought sequence that will eventually lead to once more
performing the ritual. For example, if you have a clothing fetish that involves
spending hours dressing up, you may think, “I’ll just have a look at the clothes;
I won’t do anything.” This then leads to something like, “It won’t hurt if I just
 try it on,” and so bit by bit you allow the thoughts to take you further and
further toward acting on the compulsion.

The thoughts that may control the actions (if not the feelings) are usually
around fear of discovery, particularly if you have promised your partner to stop,
and thinking of this may curb your desire and behavior. Mild to moderate
Compulsive lovers are more able to suppress or delay their desire by conscious
thoughts, whereas the strong Compulsive lover finds it difficult.

WANTS The ideal for you would be to have a partner who completely accepts your
FROM paraphilia and, if it allowed for or required partner participation, she was
PARTNER: prepared to include your special needs in most or all sexual encounters. Failing
this, you would like her to make the effort at least sometimes to participate in
the scenario.

If you are a Compulsive libido type, where do you see your specific
sexual requirements fitting into your relationship? Does your activity
exclude your partner? Can you want and enjoy sex with your partner
without any involvement of your object or situation? Do you want your
partner to participate in any way with your fetishistic needs? If you want to
continue your sexual ritual and it does not include your partner or your
partner finds it unacceptable, what do you expect from your partner?
If you want your partner to participate in your special needs, there are
usually two main points to be resolved: First, how do you reassure her that
when you are having sex, it is about being with her and not about the fetish;
and second that sex is as much about her needs as your own. If you are
unable to arouse without the right conditions, you will usually try to
introduce your object or situation into partnered sex, which leaves your
partner feeling that her needs for her preferred style of sex are ignored. In
this case, your paraphilia will put considerable pressure on your
relationship.
It will obviously be easier to include your paraphilia in your relationship
if your need for your special ritual is mild or moderate, or partial (that is, it
is quite separate to your sexual relationship, something that you only do in
private and does not affect your ability to perform with a partner). You may
then be able to strike an acceptable balance between occasions when sex
involves your preferred activities and when you can focus on your partner’s
preferences. However, if your paraphilia involves activities that are on the
edge or beyond mainstream sexual behaviors, such as wanting your partner
to change soiled diapers, it may be difficult to find a partner who will
participate on even an occasional basis.
 If you are a strong Compulsive libido type and you find it difficult to
arouse without your special requirements, the low-interest libido types, the
Stressed and Disinterested lovers in particular, may be able to accept low
sexual frequency if you prefer nonpartnered sex, but these lovers will
struggle the most if you want your partner to be involved. Sensual, Erotic,
Dependent, and Entitled libido types will expect equal consideration of their
sexual wants and needs. However, these libido types will not accept a
nonexistent sex life if you prefer nonpartnered sex. You have a good chance
of a satisfying sex life with an Erotic lover if you are a mixed
Compulsive/Erotic libido type—that is, your compulsive sexual need is to
act out many different sexual scenes, which you may have learned about
from the Internet. If you are a Compulsive/Entitled libido type—that is, you
believe your partner should accept and accommodate your special needs on
your terms—all libido types may have difficulty depending how unusual or
“extreme” these needs are.
The relationship of those with a mild or partial paraphilia may not be
affected by your particular sexual needs, as your partner may not recognize
your occasional requirements as a problem. For those who are a strong
Compulsive libido type, if you are trying to ignore these issues or avoid
dealing with them, your relationship is likely to be in jeopardy. Your partner
needs to feel she has an intimate relationship with you and not live with you
just as a housemate or as a means to your sexual satisfaction. If your
paraphilia excludes your partner, it isn’t unreasonable that she is feeling
rejected and distressed. If you need your partner to participate in your
compulsion in order for you to arouse with partnered sex, you may not
mean to give her the message that she is only a bit player in your ritual but
that is how she feels.
You may have the view that your partner should be able to deal with your
sexual needs. No matter how unusual your special needs are, there are
likely to be numerous Web sites that offer suggestions, advice, and support
that encourage you to believe that a loving partner will be happy to meet
your needs—what’s wrong with your partner that she can’t handle it?
There’s not necessarily anything wrong with her; she has the right to her
sexual preferences as well, and these may reflect a desire for a more
traditional sex life.
If your sexual ritual has a strong hold on you, you are probably either
reluctant to give it up or you are finding it too difficult to give it up, despite
your best efforts. However, if you want your relationship to continue, you
have to figure out how to balance your sexual needs with those of your
partner and dispel her fears that she is second in line to your special rituals.
If your partner is a Compulsive libido type, while it is certainly difficult
to learn that you are competing for your partner’s sexual attention with
another person, it is a more complex situation if you know your partner
prefers or needs to achieve sexual satisfaction by performing rituals
involving specific objects or situations. It will depend on what special
requirements your Compulsive lover has and whether these can in any way
fit in with your sexual needs that will determine the future of your
relationship. Some fetishes can be easily adapted to partnered sex (using
shoes or items of clothing), some are more of a challenge (your male
partner wants to wear female clothing during sex), others are confronting
(your partner wants to play the role of a baby and wants you to changed
soiled diapers), while some exclude a partner (Internet pornography).
Some Compulsive libido types are comfortable with their sexuality and,
given the shift in sexual attitudes in recent decades, expect their partner to
be accepting and be prepared to play out the fetishistic ritual during sex; for
example, some transvestites point to the open acceptance of cross-dressing
now and believe their partners are sexually inhibited if they can’t cope with
it. It is true that many partners are happy to be involved in the fetish, and if
that is the case with you, your relationship can thrive. In this situation,
usually the main issues to address are to make sure that your sexual needs
are given equal status: You may not want the fetish involved in all sexual
encounters, and when it is, you want your partner to demonstrate that he is
making love to you and you are not merely a player in his sexual scenario.
However, if you cannot accept the fetish, you have a right to feel
uncomfortable, just as your partner has a right to his sexuality. Sometimes
there is no middle ground, and this can be heart-breaking because many
couples I see have an otherwise good relationship. Depending on how
important a mutually satisfying sex life is to you, you may be able to
survive in the relationship because other aspects of your relationship are
worthwhile, but if your sexual needs are totally at odds, the future of your
relationship may be troubled and problematic.
 13
THE CYCLE OF MISUNDERSTANDING
HAVE YOU EVER tried to communicate with someone from another
culture and to develop a relationship, maybe as a workmate, a friend, or a
partner? It’s not only the fact that there is a different spoken language to
break through but also differences in nonverbal communication, belief
systems, and values.
Differences in the meaning of nonverbal behaviors are a good example of
how not knowing the significance of a particular gesture, action, or facial
expression can cause misunderstanding and possibly offense. For example,
in Japan, people use laughter and smiles to conceal anger or grief because it
is inappropriate to display these emotions in public. In Asian countries, it is
disrespectful to make eye contact with a superior, whereas in many Western
cultures avoiding eye contact may be taken to suggest boredom, ignorance,
or dishonesty. And then there are differences in beliefs and values that can
be a source of confusion or distress. Take something as basic as our belief
in democracy and compare that to attitudes around the world, and you can
see how difficult it can be to relate to someone with very different ideas.
Although differences in libido type might seem trivial by comparison, as
you read about the types of libido, you can begin to appreciate how easily
misunderstandings and conflict can arise between partners who, in a sense,
live in different sexual cultures. The problem is that in the early stages of
developing an intimate relationship with someone we are strongly attracted
to, we tend to notice the similarities rather than the differences, and if we do
see some differences we may initially interpret them as interesting, exciting,
or challenging. The heady feelings of initial infatuation can block a rational
assessment of the long-term implications of some areas of incompatibility,
convinced that love will conquer all and in time your lover will change to
meet you at least halfway.
Few people make a commitment to a relationship believing it will end.
While there are some difficult and unreasonable people, most of the couples
I see who are in strife because of mismatched libidos are good people doing
the best they can, and they made the commitment to a long-term
relationship in good faith. So how do things go wrong?
Some years ago, when I was working out strategies to help couples
struggling with problems arising from mismatched libidos, I realized that I
needed to understand how these differences gradually erode the goodwill in
the relationship to the point where some eventually end. I developed a
model of this process, which I call the Cycle of Misunderstanding. This
describes a number of stages that a couple go through, from the beginning
of their relationship before the mismatched libidos have caused any
significant distress, to the sense of isolation that incompatible libidos can
bring, which may ultimately lead to separation. This model makes it
possible to identify what aspects of the process are significant for a
particular couple and give clues as to what may help remedy the situation.
THE CYCLE OF MISUNDERSTANDING
Expectation
Perhaps it was the case a hundred years ago that a couple began a sexual
relationship not knowing what to expect. As recently as the 1970s, when I
began working as a sex therapist, I saw couples where the woman had no
idea what sex was about and was quite shocked to discover on the wedding
night that the penis grew big and hard, and while the man certainly knew
this happened, he didn’t know where he was supposed to insert it.
Now the set of expectations someone brings to a sexual relationship,
even if this is their first-time relationship, is often quite complex and
detailed. With so much sexual information (and misinformation) around, at
the very least most people expect sex to be pleasurable, and easily
pleasurable at that—when do we see couples struggling to arouse and have
a good time in the movies or in erotic material?
There are expectations that most people believe are an integral part of a
normal sexual relationship—women should like having their breasts
stimulated, men should like having their penis touched—and when
someone doesn’t enjoy these things, they and their partners are likely to
assume there is something wrong with them. Then there are other
expectations where the partners have different ideas about what is important
in a sexual relationship, yet each believes the other one is the problem, and
reconciling these differences is a source of conflict. The most common
discrepancy is how often sex should happen: Perhaps one partner believes
that it should be daily, while the other believes weekly is much more
reasonable. There are many other areas of disagreement as well.
•LAUREN, A SUCCESSFUL businesswoman, has been in a
relationship with Perry for about five years. Perry initially came for
counseling because he is finding it difficult to obtain an erection, but
further discussion reveals that Lauren expects sex every night
because that is the only way she can relax and go to sleep. Her belief
is that any man would be thrilled to have a woman who wants sex
frequently, whereas Perry’s expectation is that sex should be
spontaneous and not locked into a routine. Lauren is a Dependent
libido type, and Perry, who is usually a Sensual lover, has become a
Stressed libido type.

•TONY, A MODERATE Erotic libido type, expects that once he is

in a long-term, committed relationship, he will have an ongoing
opportunity to experiment with all the many different types of sex
he has heard about from friends or seen on the Internet. Janet, a
Sensual libido type, thinks that as the relationship progresses, sex
will become more relaxed and experimentation is something that is
done on special occasions, when there is time.

•FAYE, AFTER LEAVING a traditional marriage, thinks that her

relationship with Erica will be characterized by frequent, passionate
sex that reflects their unity as two women who have found love
together. Erica has been in other relationships, and while she adores
Faye, she believes that sex is just another part of life that ebbs and
flows in reaction to other life demands, and that day-to-day
nonsexual affection is more important. Faye is a mixed
Erotic/Dependent libido type, because she needs sex to be prolonged
and intense and she becomes agitated and preoccupied if more than
a day or two passes without this; Erica is a Disinterested/Sensual
libido type, because it wouldn’t bother her if sex didn’t happen, but
if it does, she prefers low-key, quiet sex which is more affectionate
than arousing.

•BRANDON, AN ENTITLED libido type, believes that once a

man marries, sex should be available at least several times week. He
doesn’t give sex a great deal of thought; he just expects that’s how
things should be. Vivienne, a Reactive libido type, wants to please
him but finds that her expectation that sex will be about emotional
connection is not Brandon’s view.
 •PAOLO, A SENSUAL lover, believes that sex is a happy
expression of the love he shares with Carmel. He recognizes that
sometimes the time isn’t right for sex, or that it is sometimes going
to be low-key, but he wants sex to be an important part of their
intimate life. Carmel, a Disinterested libido type, enjoys sex
sometimes but often finds it annoying and can live without it, and
she thought that once they moved in together, sex would be
something that happens only now and again, if she is in the mood.
In all these cases, once the first flush of the relationship passed, the
couples found that the differences in what they expected in a sexual
relationship began to create tension between them. The spiral of conflict
begins when one partner first experiences reluctance to respond to the
other’s sexual advances, either to have sex at all or to participate in a
particular activity. Prior to that, the strong emotions of attraction and desire
that are fueled by the heady cocktail of hormones released during the
infatuation stage make it easier for the less enthusiastic partner to respond
either with genuine enthusiasm or with a willingness to please the other. As
this phase passes, if there is a mismatch in libido types, the partner with the
lower libido and/or less interest in sexual variety will find it difficult to
sustain the level of activity desired by the other.
It makes sense that the mismatch or incompatibility will emerge as the
sexually quieter partner begins to resist the expectations of the more
enthusiastic partner, but this does not mean that it is the reluctant partner
who is the “problem” as the mismatch begins to become obvious. Both
partners have a role to play in any mismatch, and if one partner takes the
position that his or her expectations should prevail, if there is no attempt for
the couple to merge their expectations, or if their expectations are so far
apart that there is no acceptable middle ground, the couple set the
mismatched libido cycle in motion.
Initiation
It is stating the obvious to say that someone has to initiate sex for it to
happen, but the way in which this is done can determine how often sex
happens and whether it is enjoyable for one or both partners. Although there
is the stereotype that sex should be initiated in a passionate way with deep
kissing and fondling of the breasts and or genitals, this doesn’t suit
everyone, and problems arise when there are differences in what each
partner needs or wants in order to become interested in having sex.
•MICHAEL, A MIXED Erotic/Compulsive libido type, not only
expects Sarah, a Sensual/Stressed libido type, to initiate sex on a
regular basis, he wants her to do it in a particular way. It isn’t
enough for Sarah to let him know in subtle ways that she wants sex
or that she rarely says no when he wants it; he needs her to come on
to him in a hot, lusty, “desperately want you” way. Sarah has always
thought of herself as a sexual being, but she rarely feels so
overcome by desire that she can’t wait to get Michael into bed. She
is more likely to want sex when she and Michael are getting on well
and she can relax; otherwise, she knows that arousing and coming to
orgasm is hard work. Michael doesn’t enjoy sex if Sarah isn’t turned
on right from the start, whereas Sarah finds direct sexual touch of
the breasts and genitals highly irritating and it does not help her get
into sex.

•CARLA, A SENSUAL lover, has no trouble initiating sex and she

doesn’t particularly need Dan to be overcome by physical desire
immediately, but she becomes upset when Dan, a Stressed lover,
says no most of the time. Carla tries all sorts of approaches, but
none seem to be a reliable strategy to get sex started. Dan feels
intimidated by Carla’s approaches because he worries about
ejaculating too soon; he prefers to be the one to initiate sex because
he can choose the best time for him.

•JAMES, A DETACHED lover, is a man who loves his job; he

struggled from humble beginnings to get into medical school and to
graduate as a specialist in cancer. Andrew, an Erotic libido type, was
attracted to James not only physically but by his compassion for
others. Andrew loves energetic, playful, and varied sex. He tries to
initiate sex by telling James about his fantasies, from bondage and
discipline to introducing a third party, and uses erotic material or
play acting to try to get James interested. James isn’t necessarily
against these things, but he rarely has the energy for them. He
prefers quick and easy sex, and can’t be bothered when Andrew tries
so hard to get him interested. He finds it easier to masturbate, which
upsets Andrew greatly.
 Continuing to try to initiate sex in ways that don’t work is ultimately a
futile exercise, yet many couples get stuck in these unproductive patterns.
Sometimes the person who is resisting sex will try to explain why she isn’t
responding and what she would prefer, but often the situation is that neither
knows how to break the impasse.
Reaction
The manner in which each partner reacts to their partner’s sexual desires
and preferences is a critical factor in the future direction of their
relationship. If they try to be understanding and supportive of each other,
even if disappointed, it is likely that the couple will eventually find a good
enough balance in their sex life. However, negative reactions to expressions
of difference, particularly over a long period, create a climate of
guardedness that can lead to hostility. In counseling sessions, I have seen a
range of reactions from subtle to blatant, thoughtless to cruel.
Many couples who care about each other but are confused and hurt by the
challenges in their sex life don’t intend to be critical of each other, but even
subtle reactions can convey messages of disapproval and rejection. It is
reasonable to feel disappointment when needs and wants aren’t met, so a
sigh of resignation when your partner says no, or you agree to your
partner’s request but with an unspoken “oh all right but let’s get on with it I
have other things to do” signal are sometimes inevitable and don’t do much
damage if they happen occasionally. If this is the usual way of responding,
however, the atmosphere in the intimate relationship can become strained.
When such responses become habitual, they can become toxic.
Disinterested lover Susan is often willing to have sex with her Sensual
libido type husband Graham because she wants to please him, but she
doesn’t recognize that by lying still and with a distant expression on her
face throughout sex, she is sending him a message that she isn’t really keen
to be there with him. When Stressed libido type Dan rejects Sensual libido
type Carla’s advances, she typically turns away from him without a word
said and goes to sleep with her back to him. She feels that by rejecting sex
he is rejecting her completely, and at the same time isn’t aware that Dan
interprets her actions as a confirmation of his sexual inadequacy.
Other reactions are more direct. Erotic lover Jack’s response to Sensual
libido type Emma’s lack of interest in a new technique or fantasy is to
complain that she is too conservative and she needs to lighten up, even
though she is prepared to go along with his ideas sometimes. Dependent
libido type Robert accuses Sensual libido type Melissa of not caring about
him if she says no to sex, even though they have sex a couple of times a
week. Some reactions aren’t quite so direct, but the message is still plain:
Dependent lover Carlos becomes grumpy and withdrawn not just from
Reactive libido type Amy but the whole family if a few days pass without
sex.
Equally important is the less keen partner’s reaction to approaches or
suggestions from the more enthusiastic and inventive partner. Disinterested
libido type Andrea, who could happily live without sex and who believes
that having sex every month or so is a good compromise on her part,
accuses Greg, a Sensual libido type, of being a sex maniac if he tries to talk
to her about increasing their physical intimacy. Similarly, Stressed lover
Brian reacts to Sensual libido type Katrina’s irregular attempts to initiate
sex by asking her why is sex so important; can’t she just get over it?
Disinterested libido type Alexandra makes no attempt to hide her disgust if
Sensual lover Jason suggests different activities such as oral sex.
Some partners become angry and abusive, but as with any abuse, they
justify it to themselves and their partner by blaming their partner for being
inconsiderate and unreasonable. Entitled/Dependent libido type Steve
berates Stressed/Sensual libido type Erin for hours if she says no to sex, or
if she doesn’t have sex the way he wants. He tells her she is selfish and
frigid and needs help, and he becomes even more angry if she tries to
challenge him.
Withdrawing, sulking, getting agitated, being hostile or critical, or being
angry or abusive are all unhelpful and unproductive ways of resolving
mismatched libidos. These reactions are as much a part of the mismatched
libido problem as anything the partner does or doesn’t do sexually. No
matter how disappointed you might be, how justified you believe your hurt
feelings are, such critical reactions are unlikely to help your partner want to
meet your needs, and to enjoy sharing those sexual activities with you.
If you are the higher-libido partner, it may be that your lower-libido
partner will go along with your sexual approaches in order to avoid hurting
you or having an argument, or she may feel sufficiently guilty or
intimidated to give in to your pressure. Unfortunately, this tends to cause
her to feel resentful and angry during sex, thus making sex less appealing
and enjoyable and increasing resistance to sex in the future. And so the
effects of the mismatched libidos escalate, and the Cycle of
Misunderstanding spins a bit faster, as increasingly the focus shifts from
mutual pleasure to keeping the peace and pleasing the disgruntled partner.
If you are the lower-libido partner and you are dismissive of your higher-
libido partner’s sexual wants and needs, she may accept the ground rules
you have laid down for your sex life because there are other aspects of your
life together that she values. However, if there are feelings of hurt and
resentment underlying your partner’s apparent agreement, she may find it
increasingly difficult to want to be close to you in any way at all,
threatening the stability of the relationship. This feeds into the Cycle of
Misunderstanding as your partner feels resentful that your sex life offers
very little for her.
The sad thing is that many partners don’t intend to seem unreasonable or
demanding but don’t know how to deal with their disappointment and
sadness about their sexual difficulties. The style of communication a couple
use can make or break their relationship. Just as trying to communicate with
someone who speaks a different language can create misunderstandings, a
couple with different libido types are often trying to discuss their
differences, but the message is lost in the translation between the one set of
beliefs about sex and the other.
Communication
Communication in a relationship is important at several levels.
Obviously, a couple who can chat about almost anything, who can solve
disagreements respectfully, and who find it easy to let each other know
what they like about each other are likely to enjoy being in a relationship
together. Good, positive, effective communication in all areas of the
relationship helps to create the atmosphere that will promote sexual interest
in each other.
A great deal is said and written about the importance of sexual
communication. Couples who seek help for mismatched libidos
acknowledge that they can’t talk about their situation without one or both
becoming upset. Even if they try to be supportive and respectful of each
other, it often still ends up in a stalemate. This happens because
incompatible couples are missing some essential elements in their
communication when they try to discuss their differences.
The first essential ingredient for effective communication is knowledge.
Stressed lover Dan’s ability to talk about his worries is flawed from the
beginning because he doesn’t know that delaying ejaculation for a couple of
minutes is quite normal, and therefore he does not have a sexual
dysfunction. Similarly, Disinterested libido type Rachel is behind the eight
ball when she tries to discuss her sexual needs with her Erotic lover Nathan
because she doesn’t know that it is perfectly normal for many women to
have a low physical libido and to sometimes find sex more enjoyable
without the pressure to come to orgasm. If Compulsive/Erotic lover
Michael believes that if Sensual/Stressed lover Sarah doesn’t have hot, lusty
feelings toward him, then she doesn’t really find him attractive and doesn’t
care about him, how does either talk to the other about the distress this
creates?
It is also difficult to communicate calmly and effectively when you are
lacking confidence. If you believe you are an inadequate lover, that you are
letting your partner down by not providing them with the sex life they want,
then attempts at talking this through are undermined by guilt, apology, and
submission. The needs of people who lack belief in their own sexuality, no
matter what libido type, cannot even begin to be met or be open to
compromise if they are not recognized, stated, and validated. Only by
understanding and accepting his or her unique set of likes, dislikes, levels of
interest, preferred sexual activities, and so on can someone be an equal
partner in the communication process. Without this, sex becomes
increasingly unsatisfying and stressful, and the mismatch grows larger.
Obviously, style of communication is very important. Communication
needs to be positive. “I don’t feel like sex, but I’d love a cuddle”; “I may
not get overcome by lust anymore, but I love having sex with you”; “I’d
like to have oral sex with you; if you’re uncomfortable about it, I
understand, and we can take it slowly, but let’s try it”; “This makes sex
better for me; touching me this way isn’t so good.” Negative
communication such as “I’ve told you a hundred times I don’t like that,”
“What’s wrong with you? Everyone likes oral sex.” or “What’s wrong with
you? Why do you have to try things like oral sex?” or “Well, I didn’t have
this problem with other partners” will only create defensiveness and add
another layer of bricks to the wall that is blocking your communication.
The final essential to good communication is being prepared to listen, to
be respectful of the other’s point of view and give them time to express it,
and to work together toward solutions that are good enough for both
partners. Communication based on point-scoring, or being determined to
have your partner give in to your point of view, is a complete waste of time.
There is no point in clear and confident communication about feelings,
needs, worries, and desires if these are going to be ignored or dismissed
without any attempt to understand the differences that are at the heart of
your mismatched libidos.
For one person’s point of view to be right doesn’t mean that the other’s is
wrong. I find that in most cases of mismatched libidos, what each partner is
thinking, feeling, and wanting is understandable and reasonable. Your task
is to keep talking and listening with goodwill and respect so that both points
of view are acknowledged and taken into account. It is possible to work
through the issues associated with differences in libido when you can
discuss your problems with generosity and concern for each other’s well-
being.
Without clear, positive, confident communication, problems fester and
the Cycle of Misunderstanding spins more rapidly.
Misinterpretation
The sad thing about so many cases of mismatched libidos is that the
damage is caused not so much by what is actually happening, but how each
person interprets the other’s behavior. There are many errors in
interpretation that can become toxic to a relationship. I’ve identified five
main themes that underlie these misunderstandings:
1. “You don’t really love me.”
The most common misinterpretation, because it can arise between
any types of libido and from both points of view, is that because
your partner doesn’t think, feel, or behave in a particular way that is
important to you, he therefore doesn’t love you or find you
attractive:
Erotic lover Jack believes that pushing the boundaries of sex
together is the ultimate demonstration of trust in a loving
relationship, so he interprets Sensual libido type Emma’s reluctance
to act out his fantasies as her lack of love and commitment to him,
whereas Emma feels that his love for her is conditional, that no
matter what other qualities she has, he will only love her if she
enthusiastically does the things he wants in their sexual relationship.
Dependent libido type Lauren feels that Stressed/Sensual lover
Perry doesn’t care about her if he is reluctant to have sex when she
needs it, while Perry questions whether he is anything more than a
means of sexual release for her.
2. “You’re an inadequate lover.”
Another common misinterpretation is about the sexual adequacy
of one or both partners. Erotic libido type Aaron quite openly tells
Stressed lover Fiona that there is something wrong with her; she is
sexually uptight, because she doesn’t want to explore all his
fantasies. In particular, she finds the thought of anal sex
unappealing, but Aaron argues that she should at least try it once.
Fiona, once a woman who was confident of her sexuality, is
becoming increasingly uncertain as to whether she is, after all, being
unreasonable and selfish.
Sensual libido type Jill did not intend to be judgmental of
Stressed lover Alan’s two- to three-minute time to ejaculation, but
because she requires a longer period of thrusting to come to orgasm,
she began asking him what was the matter that he couldn’t last
longer. Alan has become increasingly worried about his sexual
performance and lost all confidence in his ability as a lover. His
performance anxiety has eroded his ejaculatory control, confirming
his fears that he is a hopeless lover.
This misinterpretation can also be applied by you about yourself.
Sometimes your worry that you are inadequate because of direct or
indirect feedback from your partner: Fiona, who we discuss above,
began to believe she is inadequate because of Aaron’s persistence in
pressuring her to have anal sex. For some of you, though, your fear
that you are a poor lover because of your own ideas about good sex:
Russell believed he was letting Diane down because he couldn’t
delay ejaculation for longer than ten minutes, even though Diane
actually preferred him to orgasm at about that time.
3. “You must be having sex with someone else.”
Another damaging misinterpretation is that because one partner
doesn’t seem to want sex or to get a lot out of it, then he must be
having sex with someone else. While this is sometimes true, as for
an Addictive libido type, it more likely isn’t the case. This
misinterpretation arises because it seems hard to believe that any
“normal” person could be uninterested in sex, particularly if that
person obviously enjoys sex when it does happen, as sometimes
happens in the case of Disinterested libido types.
 Stressed libido type Larry was devastated when Sensual lover
Marissa first asked him whether he is seeing someone else. He
avoids sex because he struggles to become aroused and obtain a
good erection, but Marissa worries that he isn’t having sex with her
because he doesn’t find her an attractive and competent sexual
partner. How does a couple get out of this situation? What can Larry
do to “prove” he hasn’t been unfaithful? What will it take for
Marissa to believe him? Even the strongest relationship can be
eroded by the toxic force of suspicion. This misinterpretation is one
of the most difficult to resolve.
4. “You are being selfish.”
It doesn’t seem unreasonable to assume that sex should happen
easily in a loving and committed relationship. As a result, when one
partner can’t meet the other’s expectations, sometimes harsh
interpretations are made, particularly about the person less interested
in sex. How do you make sense of your partner’s reluctance to have
sex? Is it something she has no control over, so maybe there is
something wrong with her? Or is she doing it deliberately, maybe
using sex as a weapon, and is being deliberately “withholding” and
“punishing”? These accusations are, in most cases, unfair and
damaging because, in my experience, the less interested partner is
doing the best she can with no conscious or unconscious malicious
intent. Judgments such as these disempower the less interested
partner because her sexuality is dismissed as dysfunctional, and she
is left with no way to explain herself and challenge this opinion.
The most common situation that causes one partner to accuse the
other of being selfish is when there is a difference in how often the
partners want sex, even if they are the same libido type. Although
both Sean and Debra are Sensual libido types, Sean would like sex
three or four times a week, whereas Debra only has the energy for
sex once or twice a week. Despite their otherwise good relationship,
Sean sometimes feels that Debra is selfish for not having sex more
often, and Debra feels he is selfish for wanting it when he can see
she has other demands on her time.
The belief that your partner is selfish relates to who you each
think is in control of your sex life. Erotic libido type Aaron believes
that Stressed lover Fiona is in control of their sex life because she
 won’t experiment with different activities such as anal sex; he
believes she is denying him sexual experiences that others have and
is therefore being selfish. Fiona feels he is selfish for expecting her
to do things she clearly isn’t comfortable with.
5. “You have a sexual problem that has nothing to do with me.”
Partners often find it difficult to acknowledge their role in the
sexual problem that appears to be the stumbling block in achieving
the sex life they want.
Sensual libido type Amanda finds it difficult to recognize that her
open criticism of Stressed lover David’s time to ejaculation of five
minutes or more is a major factor in their sexual difficulties. Apart
from her role in putting David under pressure so that he has less
control than usual, she does not see that she also has a role in
finding solutions, that she can—and should—explore other ways of
coming to orgasm as well as look for strategies that would help her
come more quickly.
Disinterested lover Gina has told Sensual lover Troy many times
that she doesn’t enjoy having her breasts fondled or her genitals
touched when he is first trying to get her interested in sex. She
prefers soft stroking of her face and body before any intense direct
stimulation. Troy changes his approach for a while but then reverts
back to what he enjoys and believes Gina should enjoy, and is then
hurt when she gets irritated and rejects his sexual advances.
Your judgmental attitudes, or dismissing your partner’s needs, or
not taking into account what she says works for her can all be a
trigger for the development and maintenance of the sexual problem
in your relationship.
Once a couple are caught in the quicksand of these hurtful
misinterpretations, they feel they have nowhere to go. If you believe
these interpretations, how can you have trust in each other and want
to be intimate?
Polarization
Have you ever been in a debate or an argument with someone where you
become so frustrated by your inability to get the other person to
acknowledge your point of view that you begin taking a more extreme
position than you actually hold? Sometimes the other person just doesn’t
listen; sometimes she simply doesn’t get what you are saying. Even if both
participants are seriously trying to understand each other and come to a
mutual understanding but can’t seem to find any common ground, the
stalemate can put a barrier between them that is difficult to breach.
Sensual lover Charlie would be happy with sex three or four times a
week, but his wife Cynthia, also a Sensual lover, only wants sex once or
twice a week. Sometimes Charlie feels so frustrated that he will try for sex
every day, believing that if he asks often, he’ll get a yes more often. Cynthia
finds Charlie’s constant approaches distressing because she interprets this as
him not caring about her emotional needs, and this sense of lack of intimacy
means that Cynthia is finding it increasingly difficult to respond to Charlie’s
advances. Her interest in sex is dropping, and she finds it difficult to agree
to sex even on a weekly basis now.
Over the years, the negative cycle that operates between a couple with
mismatched libidos causes a snowballing effect. Your feelings of hurt,
rejection, inadequacy, and anger percolate away, causing you to retreat even
further from your partner. Each of you may get more desperate as you try to
get your needs acknowledged and met, and in doing this, you appear to
confirm your misinterpretations of each other.
Isolation
Sadly, the conflict over sex can take its toll in other areas of the
relationship. As you each retreat into a more extreme position, it can be a
lot harder to be affectionate together, talk easily about daily matters, support
each other, and help each other out. As sex becomes a source of tension and
division rather than of reassurance and connection, perhaps you continue to
try to initiate sex as your way of reaching out, but your partner interprets
this as inappropriate and insensitive, given the poor emotional atmosphere.
The more one of you pushes, the more the other pulls away from any
gesture that might lead to sex: affection becomes strained, cuddling is rare,
sitting next to each other on the sofa to watch TV, and even smiling at each
other can all become guarded in case it leads to sex. Ultimately, arguments
about sex can decrease as the couple subside into resigned despair and
uncomfortable silence.
After several years of this, the couple may have lost even basic caring
communication such as eye contact or asking about one another’s day. We
have two lonely, isolated people sometimes too afraid to even touch in bed
at night. How can any relationship survive under this pressure?
Separation
 It’s hard to say how many couples separate because of mismatched
libidos, but certainly a lot do. At least some of these separations could have
been avoided if only the negative cycle had been recognized and stopped
early enough.
Unfortunately, for some couples who come to therapy, it is already too
late. At least one of the partners has given up and has decided the
relationship must end. In other cases, the gap between their differing needs
and expectations may simply be too great. Then the therapist can only help
them separate with as little pain as possible.
REVERSING THE CYCLE OF MISUNDERSTANDING
FOR THOSE WHO know that despite the distress caused by your
mismatched libidos there is still enough caring and goodwill in your
relationship, it is possible to resolve the differences between you. Perhaps
not perfectly, perhaps not to the point where you have a “great” sex life, but
good enough to give you the caring, contented sex life that reinforces rather
than destroys your relationship. In the following chapters, you will gain an
in-depth understanding of the factors at play in your sexual problems, and
you will develop the tools to help you and your partner reach a mutually
satisfying sex life.
You begin this process in the next chapter, which contains a set of
exercises designed to help you gain an understanding of your own sexual
wants and needs and the differences and similarities with those of your
partner. In order to negotiate toward a mutually satisfying sexual
relationship, you have to identify what you can compromise and what you
can’t, and identify the misunderstandings and misinterpretations that are
having such a destructive impact on your sexual happiness. Once you are
clear about your own position, you can examine the sexual problem in more
detail and then generate the range of possible solutions that you believe will
bring about the changes you would like in your sexual relationship.
It is difficult to solve a sexual problem on your own, so the next chapter
brings you to the crucial part of the process, sharing the knowledge and
understanding that you and your partner have gained and developing
strategies you work on together to resolve the conflict between you. I
provide guidelines to help you talk through these issues, and in the
following chapters, to move past talk to action.
If your partner is unwilling to be part of this process, it is still worthwhile
working through the following chapters on your own, as these exercises
will help you decide what to do next if you believe your relationship can’t
continue in its present form.
 14
THE EXERCISES: UNDERSTANDING YOUR MISMATCHED
LIBIDOS
AS YOU HAVE been reading about the different types of libido and the
Cycle of Misunderstanding, I hope you have learned more about yourself
and become more aware of the areas of difference between you and your
partner that are likely sources of confusion, hurt, or conflict. While you may
be impatient to share some of these discoveries with your partner, I would
like you to take the time to work through the exercises in this chapter before
you proceed. Your discussion will be more fruitful if you have a good, clear
understanding of your own libido type and can discuss your wants and
needs in a calm, nonjudgmental way. You also need to be clear about your
assumptions about your partner’s libido type and the expectations you have
of your sexual relationship.
I don’t expect that it will be an easy task to work your way through the
exercises in this chapter. Some of you may find the process emotionally
challenging as you attempt to clarify all the elements of the sexual problem
in your relationship. It is unlikely that you will be able to complete all the
exercises in one session, and for this reason, I have broken the exercises
into sections, which might help you find natural breaks to stop.
Section I covers the importance of sex to you, what you would like your
sex life to be like, what you could happily accept, and your description of
the mismatch between yourself and your partner. Section II helps you
outline your own libido type and your ideas about your partner’s libido
type. In Section III, you identify how the differences in libido types have
interacted to create the current sexual problem. Section IV draws your
attention to the strengths in your relationship and asks you to consider what
your deal breakers might be—that is, what would lead you to a decision to
end the relationship. Finally, Section V helps you compile all this
information, using the Possibilities approach, to prepare you for the
important step of working with your partner on your sexual problem.
You will each need a notebook to write out your answers to the questions
and to record other thoughts and questions that you would like to include in
your discussion. Use question numbers to make it easy to find the relevant
information when you are sharing your answers with your partner.
 SECTION I:
Your Preferred Sex Life and Your Dissatisfaction with Your Current
Relationship.
EXERCISE 1 BEGINS with the most basic question of all: How important
is sex to you? You and your partner may have been at cross-purposes from
the outset of your relationship if you differ in this core aspect of your
sexuality. Exercise 2 asks you to describe what you hope for in your sex life
with your partner, and also what you would accept as being close enough to
that ideal, your “good enough” sex life, for you to be content. This enables
you to recognize your expectations of your sex life. Exercise 3 helps you
detail your view of the mismatch in objective rather than judgmental terms.

EXERCISE 1
The Importance of Sex
The following is a list of relationship characteristics: rank them
from the most important (number 1) to the least important
(number 13). I’ve left one item open so that you can add a
characteristic you would like to mention; add more if you wish.
Companionship ____

Children ____

Nonsexual affection ____

Financial security ____

Time together as a couple ____

Time together as a family ____

Friendship ____

Shared interests ____

Shared decision making ____

Sex ____

Easy every-day communication ____

Calm, problem-solving communication ____

 Other? (please state) ____

Place a circle on the following scale to indicate the importance of

sex to you in a relationship:

EXERCISE 2
What I Hope for in My Sexual Relationship
This exercise has two parts: The first is to identify your ideal sex
life with your partner—I don’t mean your fantasy sex life, but
the one you imagine would be possible with a partner with a
similar libido type. For each item, check in the first box the
answer that applies to you:

In my sex life:
We have sex: Ideal Good Enough

Daily or more _ _

3-5 times per week _ _

1-2 times per week _ _

1-2 times per month _ _

Less than once a month _ _

My partner is the one to initiate sex:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _
We spend time being affectionate before we touch each other sexually:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

My partner takes the more active role during sex:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

Sex lasts for an hour or more:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

Sex lasts less than half an hour:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _
 Never _ _

Intercourse lasts for:

1-5 minutes _ _

5-10 minutes _ _

10-20 minutes _ _

20-40 minutes _ _

40+ minutes _ _

I arouse and come to orgasm:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

My partner arouses and comes to orgasm:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

We include different activities such as oral sex and different positions:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

 Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

We experiment with variety such as acting out fantasies, bondage and

discipline, a threesome:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

We follow our usual routine:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

We have sex in different places:

Every time _ _

Most times _ _

Half the time _ _

Sometimes _ _

Never _ _

We touch each other sexually during the day:

Every day _ _

Most days _ _
 Some days _ _

Occasionally _ _

Never _ _

Other things I would like in my ideal sex life are

Now go back through the preceding list and identify what you
realistically believe is achievable and you would be happy with,
given all the present circumstances of your life. So, for example,
you might ideally want sex several times a week, but you would
be happy enough if sex happened once a week, or, ideally you
want sex once a month, but you are willing and content to have
sex once a week; you might ideally want your partner to initiate
sex at least half of the time, but you are okay, provided she
makes advances at least sometimes. You are answering the
question, “What would be a good-enough sex life for me, one
that I would be content with even if there are some
disappointments?” Check your answer in the second box. Then
answer the following question:

Other things I would like in my good-enough sex life are ____

EXERCISE 3
Describe the Mismatch
Describe the differences between you and your partner in
objective terms. For example, “I want sex more often/less often
than my partner,” rather than, “My partner is uninterested in
sex,” or “My partner is frigid/inadequate,” and “I want my
partner to initiate sex more often/less often than is happening
now” rather than “My partner won’t initiate sex,” or “My partner
has a problem initiating sex.” Avoid any judgmental words such
as “selfish” or “unreasonable.” You might find the following list
of questions useful as a starting point to clarify your issues; your
answers don’t need to be restricted specifically to your sexual
relationship, but include anything about your relationship that
generally impacts on your sex life:
1. I feel loved when . . .
I feel unloved when . . .
To feel loved by my partner, I would like more of . . . and
I would like less of . . .
2. I express my love by . . .
My partner recognizes these expressions of love . . . but
not these . . .
I would like my partner to acknowledge my expressions
of love by . . .
3. I feel rejected when . . .
I believe my partner feels rejected when I . . .
I would like to work on this together by . . .
4. I need my partner to do more of . . .
I need my partner to do less of . . .
5. What is missing from my sex life is . . .
What I would like less of in my sex life is . . .
6. What distresses me about my sex life . . .
I would like this to be addressed by . . .
7. During sex, I worry that . . .
I would feel less worried if . . .
8. What I most need my partner to understand about me as a
person is . . .
What I most need my partner to understand about my
sexuality is . . .
9. What I most want my partner to change to make our sex
life better for me is . . .
What I want to understand about my partner’s sexuality is
...
10. Other aspects of our mismatched libidos I would like
addressed are . . .
Now redo these questions, answering as you believe your partner
would. This will help you clarify your interpretation of your
partner’s sexuality, which is essential when you come to
discussing the conflict in your relationship. You both need to
know what you each believe about the other in order to either
challenge or agree with it.
 SECTION II:
Typing Yourself and Your Partner
BY NOW YOU will have a view about your libido type, and in Exercise 4,
I want you to expand these conclusions into a detailed description of your
sexuality. I will provide the same framework that I used in my descriptions
of each libido type.

EXERCISE 4
Your Libido Type
GENERAL DESCRIPTION
We will begin with a repeat of the exercise you did in chapter 2,
but this time I want you to rate each libido type according to how
accurately you feel that libido type describes you. Circle the
number that applies to you, with:
1 = Totally
2 = Mainly
3 = Moderately
4 = Somewhat
5 = Not at all
Sensual: Emotional intimacy is more important to me during sex
than sexual performance.
12345

Erotic: I only feel emotional closeness with someone who is

sexually passionate.
12345

Dependent: I need sex to cope with my life.

12345

Entitled: I should get the sex life I want when I am in a

committed relationship.
12345

Addictive: I find it difficult to resist sex with other partners

despite being in a long-term relationship
12345
Reactive: My sexual satisfaction only comes from pleasing my
partner.
12345

Stressed: Although I feel sexual desire, I avoid sex because I

worry I can’t please my partner.
12345

Disinterested: I don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex

again.
12345

Detached: I’m not worried about sex; it’s just easier to relieve
sexual frustration with masturbation.
12345

Compulsive: I find it difficult to arouse and enjoy sex unless I

involve a special object or situation.
12345

A score of 1 or 2 on any description indicates that you have

strong characteristics of that libido type. A score of 3 suggests
you are moderately influenced by that libido type. A score of 4
indicates only mild significance of that libido type for you. A
score of 5 suggests that particular libido type is irrelevant to you.
If you have only one scale that you rate as more than 4 and all
others are 5, you are a straightforward libido type. You are a
mixed libido type if you rate more than one libido description as
higher than 5, and the higher the rating, the more dominant that
type is for you. The highest two scores are the most important in
determining your libido type, but any type that scores above 4 is
having some influence on your sexual wants and needs.
Keep in mind, however, that this libido typing is not a
diagnosis that is black and white, but rather a tool to help you
describe your sexuality in ways that will enable you to
understand the differences in wants and needs between you and
your partner. With that in mind, are there any modifications or
shades of gray you would like to add to your libido type? It is
important that you arrive at a description that you feel fits you,
rather than feel forced into a category that doesn’t feel quite
right.

KEY CONCEPTS
To build a clear picture of your libido type, I want you now to
address each of the key concepts that I used to profile each type.
Profiling your libido type in this way allows you to clarify
aspects of your sexuality that are having a significant influence
on the way you relate to your partner:
MEANING: What does sex mean to you? What is the main satisfaction you
get from sex?

BELIEFS: What are your beliefs about sex that influence what you want
in your sexual relationship?

EMOTIONS: What emotions trigger sexual desire or a willingness to have

sex? What emotions suppress that desire?

SENSES: What sensual stimulation helps you get interested in sex?

What suppresses it?

THOUGHTS: What thoughts are associated with seeking or avoiding sex?

WANTS FROM What do you want from your partner?

PARTNER:

The next part of this exercise is to enable you to become aware

of your assumptions about your partner’s libido type. In many
cases of mismatched libido, one partner believes he or she has a
good understanding of the other’s sexuality, but often this is
incorrect in some important areas. Conflict due to
misinterpretations of each other’s libido type is a common
feature of couples who cannot reconcile their differences in
wants and needs. Write out your partner’s profile as you have
done for yourself, based on your perception of your partner’s
libido type. I want to emphasize at this point that this exercise is
likely to be the most controversial between you and your partner.
What is likely to happen is that, when it comes to sharing your
answers to this exercise, you and your partner will disagree with
at least some of your conclusions about each other. As you write
out your partner’s profile, and you wonder what your partner is
writing about you, I want you to anticipate any disagreements
not as a rejection or an insult, but as an opportunity to gain
interesting insight into your core issues impacting your sexual
happiness. You have reached the point of conflict and distress in
your relationship because you do not understand the differences
between you, and you are misinterpreting each other’s attitudes
and behaviors. If you discover that your perception of your
partner’s sexuality differs dramatically from his or her point of
view, this provides a very useful starting point to begin to resolve
your differences. Although I appreciate the emotional pressure
you are under, if you stand back for a moment, gaining insight
into each other’s sexual issues is fascinating and ultimately, I
hope, very rewarding.
 SECTION III:
Identifying the Areas of Misunderstanding
THE INTERACTION BETWEEN your libido type and your partner’s leads
to pressure points of hurt, rejection, confusion, irritability, and perhaps
anger. The following exercise uses the Cycle of Misunderstanding to clarify
how and why your misunderstandings and misinterpretations of each
other’s sexuality arise.

EXERCISE 5
Your Cycle of Misunderstanding
Describe your situation for each stage of the Cycle of
Misunderstanding:

EXPECTATIONS
What were your expectations when you began your
relationship? One way to identify these are by listing what you
believe your sex life should be like: What should be happening
in your sex life? What should your partner do to be a good lover?
What should you feel and do to be a “normal” sexual partner?
When and how did you become aware that you and your
partnered differed in your expectations? What do you believe
your partner’s shoulds are? What are the differences that have
caused you grief?

INITIATION
Are there issues around the initiation of sex: Is one partner’s
preferred style annoying or inappropriate for the other? Is there
disagreement over who initiates sex and how often?

REACTION
How do you each react to the differences that arise because of
your libido types: understanding and encouraging, or annoyed
and critical?

COMMUNICATION
Can you talk with knowledge and confidence about the
differences in wants and needs?
MISINTERPRETATION
It can be hard to recognize a misinterpretation because what
you believe is likely to feel absolutely true. Refer back to
Exercise 4, where you describe your libido type and outline what
you believe is your partner’s libido type. Compare the meaning
sex has for you and what you think it means to him or her. What
have you believed these differences mean? The common
misinterpretations described in chapter 13 (your partner doesn’t
love you or find you attractive; your partner must be having sex
with someone else; your partner is selfish; you or your partner is
inadequate; your partner has a sexual problem that has nothing to
do with you) may help you get started.
In what way do you feel your partner misinterprets you?

POLARIZATION
Are you moving further apart? Would it surprise you to learn
that your partner isn’t quite as extreme in his or her point of view
as it may seem?

ISOLATION
Have you lost contact in other areas of your relationship, not
just in your sex life?

SEPARATION:
Have either one of you considered separation? How close is
your relationship to ending?

When you have finished working through these stages,

summarize your findings and highlight those areas of interaction
that you identify as causing damage in your relationship.
 SECTION IV:
Reasons to Stay, Reasons to Leave
WHEN COUPLES ARE caught up in any major disagreement in their
relationship, whether it is about sex, money, how the kids are raised, or
whatever, the bad feelings generated by this conflict can overshadow what
is worthwhile between them. Some couples I see appear to be so hostile to
each other when they begin to describe their problems that I wonder if we
will be able to make any progress, but then when I ask them what is right in
their relationship and why they want to work on their problems, they are
easily able to identify many good things between them. Sometimes they are
surprised when they get in touch with these feelings, because it puts their
disagreement in a new perspective.
Sadly, though, the converse situation also occurs, where a couple works
hard to bridge sexual differences because each believes there are reasons to
stay together, but for at least one partner, the sexual problem is causing such
distress that the relationship is seriously under threat. For some, there is a
point that is nonnegotiable: Without resolving that issue, the relationship is
likely to end, no matter what other strengths might be present between
them. As painful as it is, these deal breakers need to be out in the open;
otherwise, the efforts you are making are going to be fruitless.

EXERCISE 6
Strengths Analysis
When a couple is under pressure from mismatched libidos, it can
be easy to be so aware of the problems between you that the
strengths you have as individuals, and the strengths in your
relationship, can be overlooked. If you want to solve your sexual
problems and maintain your relationship, there must be good
reasons motivating you to make this effort. You may be able to
list these positives easily, but if you have lost sight of them, the
following prompts may help you remember them.
This is what I admire about my partner:
These are my strengths:
These are the things we do right in our relationship:
I want this relationship to work out because . . .
Despite our current sexual problems, this is what is good
about our sex life:
 If our relationship ends, I would miss . . .
Are there other strengths that you can acknowledge?

EXERCISE 7
Deal Breakers
Given what you know about yourself, and taking into account all
the worthwhile aspects of your relationship, are there some
things that you recognize will ultimately destroy the sexual
relationship with your partner? Do you believe your relationship
will end if you can’t achieve a mutually satisfying sex life? Your
answer is not meant to put pressure on your partner to give in to
what you want, but to help your partner understand what is
making you so sad or distressed that it is difficult to see a future
together if this issue isn’t addressed. Write these answers down
as if you are speaking to your partner directly. Speak from your
heart and be gentle and kind, because criticism and anger will
detract from what you are trying to say.
Also, ask yourself: What do you worry your partner’s deal
breakers might be?
 SECTION V:
The Possibilities
IN THIS SECTION, you draw on all that you have learned about your
sexual problem so far to summarize the effects of your mismatched libido
types, outline the consequences, and most importantly, identify strategies
for change: the possibilities for development of a mutually satisfying sex
life.

EXERCISE 8
Effects
What are the direct effects of the differences in your libido
types? As before, remember the distinction between judgment
and description. Some examples are “I do not have orgasm,”
“My partner does not have orgasm,” “I worry that my partner
does not find me attractive,” “Prolonged intercourse makes me
sore,” “I do not have the sexual activity I need to arouse,” “I am
bored during sex,” “I worry that my partner is bored during sex,”
“My partner does not initiate sex,” and so on. Identify ten effects
and list them in order from the most to the least serious.

EXERCISE 9
Consequences
What happens as a result of these effects? Using the list you
have just compiled, add consequences that are actually
happening, and also include consequences you fear might
happen: “I do not have orgasm, and as a result I feel insecure”; “I
worry that my partner is bored during sex and will leave me”;
“Prolonged intercourse makes me sore, so I avoid sex as much as
possible”; “My partner does not initiate sex, and as a
consequence I feel unattractive”; and so on.
Now, without referring to any specific sexual issue, describe
the impact on you, your relationship, and on your family life that
you believe arises from the mismatched libidos. For example,
“Because of the conflict in our sexual relationship, we are less
close emotionally”; “We don’t spend as much time together as
we used to”; “Our family life is suffering”; “Our relationship
could end”; and so on.

EXERCISE 10
Possibilities
In this section, you are answering the question, What can we do
to lessen the effects and reverse the consequences? You are
seeking direct possibilities to solve the problem, or looking for
other ways of getting both your needs met even if it isn’t initially
what you had wanted.
Try to be flexible about the solutions, because one possibility
is that you may not get exactly what you would like: What you
want in your sexual relationship may be influenced by the
mythical “great sex” stereotype, or it may not be within your
partner’s or your sexual abilities. Remember in chapter 1 we met
six couples whose initial complaint was first described as the
male coming too quickly? The possible strategies to resolve the
effects and consequences involved tackling the rapid ejaculation
directly with medication or behavioral strategies, discovering
that the effects weren’t what were initially perceived, or finding
other ways of satisfying the need.
In the same way, if you listed, for example, “I do not have
orgasm” in the Effects exercise above, are you relying on one
type of stimulation when you could benefit by learning to
respond to others, or do you need to be more clear with your
partner as to what arouses you by using positive and gentle
statements, or do you need to be more realistic about the
circumstances under which you can reasonably achieve orgasm?
Suppose, for example, in Exercise 9, you wrote “I feel
unattractive” as a consequence of something your partner is or
isn’t doing in your sexual relationship: Do you need to pay
attention to the other ways in which your partner demonstrates he
finds you attractive? Do you need to let your partner know that
this is how you feel and be more clear about what you need? Do
you need to explore your own issues of poor body image?
I want you now to generate possible solutions to each of those
effects you listed in Exercise 8 and explore possibilities for
reversing the consequences you noted in Exercise 9. One way to
generate possibilities is to use the following technique, which I’ll
illustrate with the example, “I don’t have orgasm,” (effect) and “I
feel insecure” (consequence). Then you can apply it to every
effect and consequence item you listed in Exercise 9.
Think about possible solutions that:
• You can put into practice to solve the specific problem and
thereby reverse the consequences—for example, research
treatment programs to improve your orgasmic ability and
communicate more clearly with your partner about the
stimulation that helps you come to orgasm.
• Your partner can do to solve the specific problem and
reverse the consequences—for example, to experiment
with different arousal techniques and to not dismiss your
suggestions about what works for you.
• You can do together to solve the specific problem and
reverse the consequences—for example, spend more time
being affectionate before you attempt to become aroused;
• You can do to minimize the consequences—for example,
although you feel insecure because you don’t have
orgasm, you can be more confident in your sexuality by
exploring the other pleasant emotions and enjoyable
sensations you experience.
• Your partner can do to minimize the consequences—for
example, your partner can let you know what he loves
about having sex with you, and not pressure you to keep
trying to come to orgasm.
• You can do together to minimize the consequences—for
example, spend more time together, communicate more
positively about the strengths in your relationship
(Exercise 6), engage in more nonsexual affection.
A more lighthearted technique to identify even more possible
strategies is to brainstorm the solutions. Usually this is done in a
group context, and later I will ask you to go through this exercise
with your partner, but for the moment try a solo brainstorm. This
 is a creative problem-solving exercise where you generate as
many solutions to the problem as you can. It doesn’t matter how
off-the-wall your idea might be; put it on the list of possibilities.
I want you to break out of your mind-set that there is only one
way to solve your sexual problem. In addition to those already
identified, your solutions may be, for example: “Get a quieter
vibrator,” “Try partner swapping,” “Do an assertiveness-training
course,” “Pretend I’m a movie star and get into the sexy role,”
“Spend one night a week doing something as a couple,” “Take
turns in doing what each of us wants,” “Believe my partner when
he says he is satisfied with our sex life,” “Reassure my partner
that I am happy with the way things are,” “Try at least once some
of the things my partner suggests,” and so on. Try to add at least
one possibility, using this approach, to each item you listed in
Exercise 9.
While this might seem to be a fun, simple exercise, it has a
serious purpose: You and your partner may be stuck because you
are each trying to find a solution that fits with your individual
libido type. If you don’t understand and respect the differences in
meaning, triggers for arousal, enjoyable activities, and all the
other aspects of your libido types, you each are trying to make
the other fit in with your type and there is no movement toward a
shared view of possibilities for a good sex life. By making
yourself think of many possibilities, you may become aware of
options to improve your sexual relationship that you haven’t
previously considered, and that may work for you both.

WHAT HAPPENS IF THINGS DON’T CHANGE?

ONE POSSIBILITY THAT can’t be overlooked is that despite your best
efforts, nothing much changes in your sex life. Perhaps the gap between you
is too wide to bridge; maybe only one of you is prepared to work on the
issues. Either way, however, it might be that after all this work,
disappointment, tension or conflict continues to dominate your sex life.
What do you think will happen when it becomes clear that your sexual
issues seem unresolvable?
Although you might assume that all will be doom and gloom in this case,
in my experience of asking couples this question, there can be some
surprising answers. Some couples have been so focused on the problem, so
intent on trying to find a solution to a specific sexual problem, that they
have lost sight of the fact that overall they are really quite happy together.
These couples are quite shocked when I ask them if they are close to
relationship breakdown! The answers to this question range from a
surprised, “Well, I love my partner, so this certainly won’t break us up” to
“There are other considerations—children, finances, security—that are
more important, so I’d be disappointed and upset, but we would survive” to
“Our relationship won’t survive if nothing changes.”
Your final exercise, then, is to give the question “What happens if things
don’t change?” serious thought, and answer it with complete and heartfelt
honesty. Write out your likely thoughts and feelings if nothing changes,
because your partner will need to know them. If you would be okay about
it, your partner needs to be reassured; if you are considering ending the
relationship, your partner may not realize the situation is that serious, and,
as you saw in the deal breaker exercise, you each need to know what you
stand to lose if you won’t or can’t achieve a mutually satisfying outcome.

AFTER ALL THIS effort, you have finally come to the end of the
exercises. I’m sure it has been a hard journey, and you have been on an
emotional roller coaster. Take some time now to be kind to yourself. Take a
break from focusing on these issues, even if only for a day or so. If you find
yourself thinking about what you have discovered, allow the thoughts to
drift in and out without trying to grab them; your mind will be doing its
own reviewing and sorting, and often it is more effective to allow this
process to happen rather than trying to force it to happen.
Then without looking at your notes, write out a few paragraphs that
summarize the important points about your understanding of your libido
type, your partner’s, and the mismatch in wants and needs. List the changes
you believe need to be made and how these changes might be facilitated.
Next, review all that your notes from the exercises, and link the points in
your summary to the specific exercise that expands on each point, noting
this on your summary sheet. For a few minutes, shut your eyes, sit back,
and relax. Is there anything else you need add to your summary? What is
the most important thing you need your partner to understand about your
libido type? What do you need to understand about his? Jot down any key
words.
Now, are you ready for the next stage, “The Talk”?
 15
SHARING YOUR DISCOVERIES: THE TALK
YOU AND YOUR partner may have tried many, many times to talk
through your sexual problems and find workable solutions, with little
success. Perhaps things change for a while when one partner puts in effort
to meet the needs of the other, but it is difficult to maintain that effort over a
long period if it is about meeting the needs of the receiver but there is not
much satisfaction in it for the giver. To be long lasting, any solutions have
to be mutually satisfying and rewarding, so that the pleasure gained from
the new way of conducting your sexual relationship is motivation enough
for the changes to be self-sustaining. A good sexual relationship takes
sensitivity, caring, and some work, but it shouldn’t be so much hard work
that it becomes aversive and something you prefer to avoid.
Usually the major stumbling block to effective problem solving is that
each of you can only see the problem in terms of your own libido type and
therefore look for solutions that make sense for that libido type. For
example, you may be a Sensual libido type and your partner an Erotic libido
type. Both of you want the sexual relationship to reflect the love and
commitment that binds you as a couple. As a Sensual lover, you feel hurt
that your partner puts so much emphasis on sexual variety; you believe that
if you love each other, it doesn’t matter whether sex is quiet and restrained
or whether you become hotly aroused and have a powerful orgasm. Rather,
what is more important is that you both want to be physically intimate in an
easy, familiar, comfortable way. Your Erotic partner believes that with love
and commitment comes passion and sexual energy, and is bursting to
explore all the many ways you can experience emotional intimacy through
shared erotic experiences. The solutions you look for as a Sensual lover
would be to slow things down and to choose sexual activity that is more
about reassurance through gentle touch, skin contact, and being present
together in periods of physical stillness, whereas your Erotic partner wants
reassurance through a preparedness to do more to make sex prolonged and
passionate. The conflict between you arises because of the differences in
what you each enjoy sexually, but the hurt comes from your belief that if
your partner loved you, he or she would want the same solutions as you.
The work you have done in chapter 14 has enabled you to see these
differences from a new perspective and appreciate that your conflict is
triggered by the different wants and needs associated with your different
libido types rather than the quality of your emotional relationship. Now,
armed with a greater understanding and acceptance of individual
differences, you and your partner are ready to move on to “The Talk.” The
Talk is a way of describing the next stage in my program: sharing with one
another what you have learned about libido types and searching for
solutions to the distress you are experiencing.
FOR THOSE WHOSE PARTNER HAS NOT PARTICIPATED SO
FAR
OBVIOUSLY, IT TAKES two people to have a discussion, and perhaps
your partner has not been prepared to participate in this attempt to resolve
your sexual difficulties. This resistance can occur with any libido type.
Those partners who want more frequent sex or more variety may see
themselves as not having a problem, so it is up to the lower-libido person to
get help, and those who don’t give sex much importance may refuse to
acknowledge that there is a problem at all. Sometimes one partner is burnt
out with the issue and there have been many deep and meaningful
discussions that have gone nowhere and resulted in more hurt, so any future
attempts to engage that partner in The Talk are met with strong opposition.
If your partner has not been willing to read the book or do any of the
exercises, your partner may not be aware that you are planning The Talk.
You can try to engage your partner in The Talk by saying something like, “I
know we have tried before to talk about our sexual problem and we haven’t
achieved anything, but I believe this time it will be different. As you know
I’ve been reading about mismatched libidos, and I’ve learned a lot about
how this causes so much unhappiness because we have misunderstood and
misinterpreted each other. I love you and it’s important to me that we try
again; I believe you love me. I think it is worth it to give this approach a
chance to have a better sex life for us both—a sex life based on us being
equal and one that takes into account our differences in what we want
without saying one is right and the other wrong. Please let’s give it a try.” If
your partner agrees, you will need to take the lead. Your partner may not
abide by the rules, so you will need to be patient and tolerant and keep
bringing The Talk back to the basics of not laying or taking any blame,
reinforcing the equal but different perspective, and focusing on what
changes can be made to improve your situation.
If your partner refuses to engage in any discussion at all, there is no point
in putting on any more pressure, but it is still worthwhile for you to read
through this chapter. It may give you some ideas about how to approach the
issue again at a later time or how to change your own ideas and behavior
that would give your partner encouragement and support to work with you
to address your sexual problems.
THE TALK
THE FIRST STEP toward achieving a harmonious and mutually rewarding
sexual relationship has to be acknowledging that you are individuals not
only as people but also as sexual beings. The Talk, therefore, will begin
with each of you sharing the details of your libido type and your assessment
of your partner’s libido type. This is the basis for discussion of your sexual
differences, your beliefs about your partner’s sexuality, and the
misinterpretations that have arisen about each other’s sexual wants and
needs.
Next, you will share the importance sex has for each of you, so that you
can assess whether you have the same energy and motivation to solve the
sexual problem and so move on quickly to the next stage of The Talk, or
you need to spend some time working out a trade-off: “I’ll work on sex
because it is important to you, if you work on other aspects of the
relationship that are important to me.”
From there you will move on to pinpointing how these differences led to
the present state of conflict, using the stages of the Cycle of
Misunderstanding as a map to help you identify the significant points of
disagreement and misinterpretation.
Then, using the Possibilities approach introduced in chapter 2 and that
you used in Section V of the previous chapter to help each of you identify
possible solutions for your sexual problem, you will work together to find
strategies to help you develop a mutually satisfying sexual relationship that
is underpinned by understanding and support for each other’s libido type.
THE RULES
BEFORE YOU BEGIN The Talk, it is important to establish some
guidelines; otherwise, you are at risk of going around in circles and ending
up in the same stalemate that has dogged your past attempts to discuss and
resolve your sexual problems.
• SHOW RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHER. The obvious rule to
start with is the rule of respect. Without respect for each other, The
Talk will get nowhere. Respect means that your language is
 considerate and restrained, and there is no abuse or attack, even if
the mood becomes tense and on the edge of conflict.
• BE COURTEOUS. The Talk will get further if you are courteous,
you don’t interrupt each other, and you make sure you understand
what your partner has said before you rush in to reply.
• BE GENEROUS. You should encourage each other, allow some
minor points of difference to pass without quibbling, and help your
partner if he gets flustered or tangles words while struggling to
explain a point.
• STAY CALM. Don’t be surprised when your partner says something
that you disagree with. The differences in your libido types mean
that you are each seeing your sexual relationship from the
perspective of your own wants and needs, and it is because you have
been unable to reconcile these that you are experiencing the hurt and
confusion that is so upsetting. Of course, you will each say things
the other doesn’t agree with, and when this happens, take a breath
and see this as an example of the difficulties you are wrestling with.
Don’t be defensive, and remind yourself that your partner is
describing what is true for her. Listening to another point of view
doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it.
• CLARIFY YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT YOUR
PARTNER IS SAYING. Sometimes you are arguing about totally
different issues. It might sound a bit stiff and formal, but ask your
partner, “When you say that, do you mean . . . ?” or “I’m not sure
what you are saying; it sounds to me like . . . Is that it?” Often the
message sent is not the message received, and you may be reacting
to something your partner never intended to imply.
• ACKNOWLEDGE WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE
MISUNDERSTOOD YOUR PARTNER’S POSITION. Be
prepared to apologize if you have been hurtful in any way. One of
the most effective ways of resolving conflict is when you can each
truthfully say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was what you meant”;
“I’m sorry, I can see I was wrong on that issue”; or “I’m sorry, I
didn’t mean to hurt you.” Being able to apologize when it is
appropriate is a sign of strength and confidence.
• BE WILLING TO LISTEN. Really listen to your partner. Ask
about your partner’s point of view. Let your partner know that you
 want to hear what your partner has to say, that you want to know
what her sexuality is about, and that you want to understand where
the differences between you lie. If you are merely biding your time
until your partner finishes talking so that you can jump in with your
take on things, you are talking at each other, not with each other, and
you will get nowhere.
• BE CURIOUS. Ask about your partner’s opinion on what you have
to say: “What do you think about this?” “What do you think would
help here?” “What would you like to do?” “I would like to solve our
problem in this way. What’s your view on this?” If you are asking
because you genuinely want to know the answers and are not merely
using these questions as a form of attack, you will encourage an
open and frank atmosphere that might reveal previously hidden
solutions.
• DESCRIBE, DON’T JUDGE. This is one of the most important
rules when raising a matter of concern. Using words such as “frigid”
or “selfish,” or insisting your partner has a problem, leads to
defensiveness, which blocks confident and constructive
communication.
Before you proceed with The Talk, think about the differences in your
communication style. One of you may be a pursuer: You want to keep
talking until you get the matter resolved. The other might be a withdrawer:
When it gets too overwhelming, you want to stop. The pursuer often
accuses the withdrawer of running away from the problem, while the
withdrawer believes she is not getting enough time to think and therefore
feels unable to express her point of view. Often the pursuer is the one who
is closest to current stereotype of “normal” sexuality and so may feel he has
“rightness” on his side, while the withdrawer is likely to be the partner who
is less interested in sex, may be having some performance problems, or is
less adventurous, and so feels defensive and unable to explain her point of
view. Before you begin The Talk, it is useful to determine whether you are a
pursuer or a withdrawer: Can you recognize your usual approach from these
descriptions? Following you will find tips for both withdrawers and
pursuers on how to make conversation and communication flow.
IF YOU ARE A PURSUER:
• While it is reasonable that you are upset by your partner’s apparent
avoidance of the sexual problem, trying to corner your partner into
 long discussions hasn’t worked so far, and it isn’t likely to work
now.
• Many withdrawers say they try to stop any discussions because they
feel that whatever they say is dismissed anyway, so there is no point
in continuing. Have you shown your partner you are interested in
what he has to say, or have you tried to keep the conversation going
until your partner agrees with you?
• It may help if you set a definite time frame with your partner, at most
two hours, for The Talk, after which you will stop. If your partner
says she has had enough at any stage, there is no point in pursuing
her any further.
IF YOU ARE THE WITHDRAWER:
• When you feel overwhelmed and need to stop The Talk, say so
clearly and confidently.
• Keep in mind that the issues won’t be resolved by avoiding them.
Many pursuers say they keep at their partner because they can never
get their partner to address the problems, and often the withdrawer
dismisses any attempt to discuss the issues by insisting there is
nothing wrong.
• If one partner is unhappy, by definition there is a problem that affects
you both, so you need to be prepared to discuss what is worrying
your partner even though you may not agree with his point of view.
• Tell your partner you need time to think about what has been
discussed, and set a time in the next few days when you will begin
The Talk again. In the meantime, you may find it useful to write out
your thoughts to help you express your point of view.
Irrespective of your communication style and whether you believe your
partner has more control in your sex life than you do, it may surprise you to
realize that your partner is very likely experiencing the same feelings of
rejection, inadequacy, loneliness, insecurity, and powerlessness that you are.
This is often the first revelation that comes out in counseling, and that
understanding can in itself change the way you talk to each other. If your
partner is feeling as distressed as you are, think about how you want to be
treated by your partner and then be that way yourself. You will get much
further if you are kind and gentle, and talk softly and sensitively, because
isn’t that what you are likely to respond to from your partner?
 If you are going into The Talk believing you have the strongest “case,”
ultimately you cannot make your partner make the changes you want. You
can only acknowledge your role in the sexual problems and take
responsibility for what is within your power to change.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
THE THEME OF The Talk is, “For one person to be right, the other person
does not have to be wrong.” In most cases of mismatched libidos, you are
both “right,” just different, and it is important that you both keep this in
mind as you explore each other’s sexuality. Don’t be surprised, then, that
your partner thinks about sex differently, needs different emotional and
sensual cues to become aroused, and can be put off about sex in situations
where you might find it easy to respond. While you may discover there are
many more similarities than you have realized, it is unlikely that you will
each be able to “convert” the other entirely to your libido type. If you
follow the rules of The Talk, however, you may each discover that your
shared love and commitment leads to a curiosity about your partner’s sexual
“culture,” and it can be fun to learn a new way to communicate and to
participate in different “customs.” In this way, you each may find your
libido type shifts to become a blend of your own and your partner’s.
With the ground rules in place, you now set aside the time to have The
Talk. Allow a two-hour period when you are not going to be distracted by
other demands or responsibilities. If you have children, you may have to
wait until they are in bed if you don’t have anyone to babysit, but I would
caution you to avoid late-night discussions; you are more likely to be
irritable and less tolerant when you are tired. I expect that most of you will
not finish The Talk in one session, but try to avoid going longer than the
two hours unless you are both feeling pleased and optimistic about what
you have achieved and are enthusiastic to continue. If your session has been
emotionally charged, you will be drained by the end of the two-hour period,
and setting a definite time limit provides a concrete way to end rather than
the exhausted or overwhelmed partner having to plead to stop.
Because I assume that you will not get everything resolved in one
session, I have broken The Talk into separate parts that suggest a logical
point to have a break if you need one before the end of the two-hour period.
Let your partner know you are tired and need some time to think about what
has just discussed. You then agree on when you will begin The Talk again,
which might be after a short break on the same day, or, if you have had
enough and can’t cope with resuming The Talk that day, identify a time
when you will continue. Try not to leave it longer than a few days before
you get back to The Talk, because you may lose momentum and possibly
forget some of the details that have emerged. For this reason, you may want
to jot things down as you talk, although don’t become preoccupied with this
and give the impression you are not listening.
Of course, many of you may not need to follow the suggested format for
The Talk, particularly if you are following up ideas and strategies with
goodwill and cooperation. This template is mainly useful for couples who
get bogged down with separate agendas. This format can act as an objective
framework to keep you on track.
One final point before you begin: I encourage you to discuss and agree
on a “time out” signal for those occasions where the discussion becomes
too overwhelming or too heated. It may be a simple statement such as “I
need to have a break now” or “Time out.” The important thing is that it is a
signal that is respected and acted on when it is said. You may need to agree
on a forceful “STOP” if one of you is feeling very pressured by the other; in
this instance, after saying “STOP,” it is understood you will leave the room
and go somewhere quietly on your own, and only when you feel calm will
you seek out your partner and decide if and when you will resume the
discussion. If The Talk ends this way after three attempts, it is time to
suggest a third party, ideally a therapist with a strong background in
relationship counseling.
LET’S BEGIN: DISCOLSURE
HAVE THE PROFILE of your own libido type on the top of your notes
from chapter 14. If you prefer, you can give it to your partner to read while
you read your partner’s; this allows you both to see the perspective you are
each coming from and, with what you now know about libido types, give
you an early understanding of why you seem to have been at cross-
purposes. At this time, don’t share the rest of your notes, as this may be too
much to digest and provoke a disordered discussion, since you each want to
focus on different issues. When it comes to starting The Talk, if you are
both reluctant to go first, try a lighthearted approach such as drawing
straws.
This is the disclosure stage of The Talk, when you both take the risk of
revealing your innermost thoughts and feelings about your sexuality. It is
important that you set the tone for the rest of The Talk at this early stage by
being interested in and supportive of what each other has to say.
Allow five or ten minutes for each of you to discuss your respective
libido types. For the first five minutes or so, while one partner is speaking,
the other partner should simply listen and avoid interrupting. Then, as your
partner describes what sex means to him, what your partner’s beliefs about
sex are, what sensual, emotional, and thinking cues enhance or suppress his
sexual interest, and what your partner would like from you, it is okay to
comment and ask questions, but only so that you can clarify your
understanding of what your partner is telling you. Resist the urge to criticize
and argue the point as this will most likely derail The Talk.
The next area for discussion is likely to be contentious. This is where you
tell each other your ideas about your partner’s libido type: This may take
longer, perhaps up to half an hour for both to be covered, as the discussion
goes back and forth. The purpose of this exercise is not to put each other
down or to pressure your partner into feeling guilty about letting you down,
but to let each other know what your thoughts are about your partner. It
might be upsetting to hear some of your partner’s ideas about you, but if
you can remain calm and let your partner know that you need to hear what
she is thinking, you may begin to understand how your partner has been
misreading you and why she has reacted to you sometimes in ways that you
have not been able to understand. If you feel your partner has
misinterpreted your libido type, it is equally likely you have misinterpreted
your partner’s as well.
Sometimes this disclosure stage is enough to produce that “aha!” reaction
that leads to quite rapid change. Both you and your partner finally see the
problem clearly. You finally get the fact that you both want the same thing
—usually to feel loved and secure no matter what your libido type—but
because of your different libido types, it is like you are trying to say that in
a language the other doesn’t understand. If you come to this realization and
you know that you each want the best for each other, it may not be a huge
shift to try to use the other’s language and adapt your sex life to include a
mix of both forms of expression.
For example, mentioned in chapter 13, Disinterested libido type Susan
would not have cared if sex was nonexistent in her marriage with Sensual
libido type Graham, but she loved him and was willing to have sex every
week to please him. She was hurt when he didn’t seem to value her efforts.
Graham, on the other hand, felt having sex was an imposition on Susan, and
he was left feeling empty and sad afterward. It wasn’t until they discussed
their different libido types that the cause of their mutual distress became
obvious. Susan didn’t understand that by lying still with a distant look on
her face she was sending Graham the message she isn’t really interested in
being there. For Graham, who as a Sensual lover needs to feel that his
partner is present during sex, was devastated by Susan’s apparent “get it
over with” attitude, and he couldn’t recognize the wonderful gift that Susan
was bringing. When they discussed their libido types, a light went on in
Susan’s head: He wanted emotional connection, not sexual gymnastics, and
she could easily do that. She was happy to be physically intimate with
Graham, and she just needed to convey that genuine feeling with a soft sigh,
a gentle touch of his face, an idle stroking of his thigh. Graham, for his part,
looked for the cues that Susan gave him about how much she loved him and
learned to speak her language of skin contact, stillness, and quiet,
affectionate murmurings.
However, if the discussion becomes heated, use your agreed “time out”
signal. Don’t resume the discussion that day (or evening). Allow time for
you both to think about what happened and what the sticking points were,
and then write out your calm and descriptive (that is, not judgmental)
reaction and response. When you have the issues clear in your mind,
suggest another time to restart The Talk.
If all goes well with the discussion about your libido types, the first
exercise you did in chapter 14, on the importance of sex, is an indication of
how smooth your path to a mutually satisfying sex life may be. If there is a
huge discrepancy between you in terms of how important sex is in a
relationship, there may be a corresponding gap in your motivation to work
on the sexual issues. Compare your rankings of the different aspects of a
relationship, and each nominate the area you most want to work together to
improve. If you both make the commitment to work on the area that is
important to your partner, you each stand to benefit and your relationship
can be substantially enriched.
NEXT: DETAILING THE MISMATCH
FOR SOME OF you, a general understanding of the differences in libido
type does not give you enough information to know what to do to bridge the
gaps. The information from Exercises 2 and 3 will make the picture clearer.
 Exercise 2 asked you to describe your ideal sex life, and then, what
would be good enough for you to be satisfied and content. This exercise
often highlights a source of misunderstanding and stress in your sexual
relationship. Your partner may believe that you will only settle for your
ideal sex life, and you may have reinforced this by what you have indicated
in your previous talks. Often partners in conflict are reluctant to be clear
about what their bottom line is in terms of what they will accept because
they fear that they will then be bound by that forever after, with no chance
of even occasional shifts toward the ideal. You may also worry that your
partner may regard your acceptable sex life as your ideal, and your partner
will believe that your compromise in the mismatch is to settle for even less.
For example, if you are an Erotic libido type and you tell your partner you
are okay with occasional episodes of adventurous sex, you might worry that
your partner will then become complacent and will not make it a priority to
find opportunities for prolonged and passionate sessions. If you are a
Disinterested libido type, you may get the occasional flicker of desire and
be able to initiate sex once or twice a month but you worry that your partner
will then assume that you should initiate sex more often, when in fact it is
an effort for you to initiate sex at all.
Given the stalemate you are currently experiencing, it is time to actively
look for possible compromises. Certainly it is a useful exercise to talk about
the ideal sex life you each want, because it is another way of talking about
your different libido types. This is a good opportunity to be curious about
your partner, to try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and to imagine
the sex life your partner wants. This can help you appreciate the difficulties
your partner is experiencing in your current situation, and in this way you
can be more empathic with each other—keeping in mind that each vision of
the ideal sex life is equally valid and that it is important that you don’t
criticize what your partner would like.
The solution to your sexual conflict lies, however, in the middle ground
between your ideals. If your partner believes your ideal is the minimum you
will be happy with, your partner might feel that he won’t ever be able to
please you and give up. Letting your partner know what your good-enough
sex life would be gives you both clues to areas of compromise. Compare
the outlines of your good-enough sex lives. If your partner hasn’t done the
exercises, describe the exercise for him and tell him you want to share your
ideas about a good-enough sex life, and then you would like your partner to
share his ideas about what would be acceptable. Spend five to ten minutes
each going through the list in Exercise 2, which covers the acceptable
sexual frequency, how sex is initiated and by whom, who is more active
during sex, how long sex and intercourse lasts, what activities are included,
whether it is important one or both partners come to orgasm, where sex
takes place, and when casual sexual touch, that is, playful touching of the
breasts, buttocks, or genitals in nonsexual situations, is acceptable. Perhaps
you will be relieved to see that you are much closer to a mutually satisfying
sex life than you realize. For example, if you are a Disinterested libido type,
you may be getting the message from your partner of almost any other
libido type that he wants hot passion and variety every time you have sex,
whereas it can come as a surprise to learn that he would be happy with
some indication from you that you are present during sex, and not drifting
off and thinking about other things. Talk about your commonalities, not just
your differences, and you may already see a way forward. Many of you are
realists and can deal with disappointments in your sex life, provided you
know that your partner loves you and is doing the best she can.
Darren, a Sensual libido type, was worried about his sex life with Mary,
also a Sensual lover, but fast becoming a Disinterested libido type. While
they both enjoyed the same type of sex, they differed significantly in how
often they each wanted sex to happen. Darren felt that Mary had pretended
to want and enjoy sex when they got together five years ago, because now
she rarely seemed to want it. Mary thought that Darren was obsessed with
sex, because he seemed to be touching her and approaching her for sex
every day, which was much more than he had wanted in their early days
together. When we talked about what was the acceptable sex life for each of
them, Darren replied first, saying, “Look, I’d be happy with sex once a
week if I knew for sure it was going to happen.” Mary, literally, almost fell
off her chair, and her face was a study in amazement and disbelief: “You
have got to be kidding—you never leave me alone, you approach me for
sex every day!” Darren looked a little sheepish. “Well, I figure that you
seem to be saying no more than you are saying yes, so maybe if I ask a lot,
my ‘hit rate’ will mean that I’ll get sex somewhere near as often as I want
it.” Mary couldn’t decide whether to be angry or amused. “I’d love sex once
a week! It’s just that you hassle me so much, I get irritated and then can’t
feel like sex with you.” Finally this couple collapsed into laughter, and they
didn’t make another appointment.
 If there are no obvious solutions and you can’t easily see any middle
ground, your answers to Exercise 3, “Describe the Mismatch,” will give
you more information. In this exercise you were asked to describe the
mismatch in objective terms and to give suggestions as to what you believe
would help address each issue. Work through your answers together. For
example, in question 1 you are each asked to finish the sentences “I feel
loved when . . .” “I feel unloved when . . .” and “To feel loved by my
partner I would like more of . . . and I would like less of . . .” How similar
are your answers? If they are very different, can you nevertheless
understand why your partner might want more or less of particular
behaviors? If you are both prepared to work on the changes your partner has
suggested, the rewards can be considerable.
As you work your way through each question, maintain your curiosity,
your generosity, and your courtesy. If your partner has given an answer that
you feel upset by, or don’t agree with, remember that this is your partner’s
reality. Being prepared to listen to it, and to consider what your partner is
suggesting doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with his ideas, but that
you are being respectful of your partner’s point of view and you are willing
to try to consider the issue from his perspective.
Are there any surprises in your partner’s information? How did your
partner react to your answers? If you have become tense and feel conflict
brewing, take a break for half an hour and decide whether you can return to
The Talk then or you prefer to put off further discussion until the next day,
or the next reasonable opportunity. Remind yourselves that you both want
the same thing, a loving and committed relationship, and that you are not
out to hurt each other. Think of yourselves as being on the same team trying
to solve a difficult problem, not on opposite sides trying to bring each other
down.
Unfortunately The Talk doesn’t always proceed smoothly or produce the
outcome you want. Some people find it very difficult to put their thoughts
and emotions into words. If both partners find it difficult to express
themselves, The Talk can stall quickly. In this case you both may find it
easier to read each other’s notes and write out comments and questions in
reply. Sometimes one partner is a quick thinker and very good with words
while the other struggles to keep up. In this case, The Talk becomes out of
balance. Again, using the written notes might help. Some people find it
impossible to follow the rules of respect, generosity, tolerance, and so on,
and The Talk becomes loud, judgmental, and perhaps argumentative. One
partner may only be interested in an outcome where his or her desires and
needs are going to be met, without any concern for the partner’s wants and
needs. Sometimes, the differences in libido types make it difficult to find
acceptable solutions, and The Talk quickly begins to feel like a hopeless
exercise. In some cases it becomes clear that the sexual problem isn’t the
main issue; it is a symptom of a deeper relationship problem. If The Talk
becomes stuck at any stage of the process in any of these ways, I would
encourage you to find a third party, preferably an experienced relationship
counselor, to help you address these issues.
DISCOVERING YOUR MISINTERPRETATIONS
SO FAR WE have been dealing with the differences in your libido types in
objective terms, that is, the specific differences in what you want and how
often you want it. While you may be frustrated and upset that you are not
getting the sex life you want, often the most destructive aspect of your
mismatched libido types is what you think the differences mean. Even the
most rational and kind-hearted person forms conclusions and makes
judgments based on his or her own knowledge, experiences, attitudes, and
expectations. In the previous exercises I have asked you to avoid judgment
in describing your sexual problem, and perhaps this has already helped you
to question and change some of your interpretations of your own and your
partner’s sexuality. Some judgments, however, are hard to shift—indeed,
they may be difficult to recognize—and it is important that they are brought
out into the open now if their role in your sexual distress is to be dealt with.
The next stage of The Talk involves you comparing and discussing your
answers to Exercise 5, in which you describe your situation at each stage of
the Cycle of Misunderstanding. Deal with each stage together before
moving on to the next. Take turns in being the first to disclose your answer
for each stage, then discuss the differences and similarities between your
answers, noticing the information you hadn’t been previously aware of. You
are seeking to gain understanding of the process that led two people who
entered the relationship with optimism and goodwill to end up in such a
distressing situation.
What expectations have you each brought into this sexual relationship?
Where did these expectations come from? How much are you influenced by
the media, or your religious views, or your past experiences? When you
discovered that your partner’s expectations are very different to your own,
what have you thought this meant? Have you assumed that there was
something wrong with you, or with your partner? Do you believe your
partner’s expectations are unrealistic or unreasonable, while you find it
difficult to see any problems with your own? The point to keep in mind here
is that everyone must have some expectations about sex, it would be
impossible not to, and it may be that there is such a discrepancy between
what you each want that there is no mutually acceptable middle ground.
However, if you believe you are inadequate or useless because you cannot
seem to meet your partner’s expectations, or you believe that your partner is
selfish and unreasonable because your expectations are not being met or
that you must not love each other because you can’t meet each other’s
expectations, this adds another layer of complexity to your sexual problem.
One of the most common sources of judgment and misinterpretation in
cases of mismatched libidos is around the initiation of sex. How sex is
initiated, by whom and how often, seems to be a frequent cause of dispute
and hurt. If your partner initiates sex more often than you want or always
relies on direct stimulation of the breast or genitals without any affectionate
or sensual preliminaries, you may judge them as a sex maniac,
inconsiderate, or selfish. If your partner rarely initiates sex or does not
initiate it in a direct, passionate way, you may judge your partner as not
caring about you, not finding you attractive, or as inconsiderate or selfish.
What are the judgments you are making about your sexual relationship in
general? In my discussion of the Cycle of Misunderstanding in chapter 13, I
outlined some common misinterpretations that arise in couples with
different libido types: “You don’t really love me or find me attractive,”
“You’re an inadequate lover (or I am),” “You must be having sex with
someone else,” “You are being selfish,” “You have a sexual problem that
has nothing to do with me.” Are these the conclusions you have come to, or
is there something else worrying you? Are you judging yourself harshly, or
your partner, or both?
Spend about half an hour sharing with your partner how these judgments
have influenced the way you have tried to deal with your sexual problems
in the past. If you believe your partner is selfish or unreasonable, for
example, you are likely to have reacted to any perceived failure on your
partner’s part with irritation, annoyance, and even anger. In this way you
sent the message that her wants and needs are not as important as yours. If
you have worried that you are inadequate or failing your partner in some
way, you will have reacted with apology and submission if you perceived
that you had not met her needs, and at the same time you could not let your
partner know what you wanted for yourself. These judgments and reactions
have made it impossible to communicate clearly and effectively about your
sexual problems. Now, in order to develop a sustainable, mutually
satisfying sexual relationship, talk through these fears together even though
it might be difficult to say out loud what has been in your mind. Be open to
your partner’s point of view. If there is genuine and respectful criticism of
past behaviors, accept it with something like, “I didn’t know that was what
you thought and how you felt, I understand now and I’m sorry for hurting
you. What can I do to change this?” If you discover that your interpretation
is invalid and your partner is reassuring you that you are not an inadequate
lover, accept your partner’s perspective now because that is the way to
move forward.
With some couples, revealing their judgments and being able to talk
about them calmly and respectfully has produced great relief. Lucas, who
felt rejected by Linda because she objected to his frequent sexual touching,
was able to feel reassured when Linda calmly explained that when she was
busy or tired, that type of touch was physically irritating and her reaction
certainly did not mean she didn’t love him. In order to have this
conversation, Linda had to challenge her interpretation of Lucas’s behavior
as being sex crazy and only caring about her body, not her. When Linda told
him she appreciated nonsexual gestures of affection when she was
preoccupied with other things, Lucas had no difficulty adapting his style of
affection so that both their needs were met.
Richard also had to challenge his self-criticism: He worried that he was
an inadequate lover because he ejaculated a few minutes after penetration,
but eventually he believed his wife Kirsty that she was very satisfied with
their sex life and she didn’t need him to last any longer. It took a while, but
Kirsty discovered that instead of reacting to Richard’s comments about his
performance, Kirsty began to spontaneously express, either verbally or
nonverbally, her satisfaction and contentment: a deep, long sigh when she
and Richard pulled apart after intercourse, a comment, “That was just what
I needed,” during their after-sex snuggle, or casual cuddles at other times
when she would say, happily and genuinely, “I love our life together, I love
the sex we have, I love you.”
 If there is sufficient evidence in the rest of your relationship that you care
about and want the best for each other, then it is time to abandon your
interpretations of the differences in your sexuality. How did you each
answer Exercise 6, “Strengths Analysis”? Why is it important to you to stay
together? What are the strengths in your relationship? What are you already
doing right in your sex life? It is very important that you spend some time
talking about the strengths in your relationship: Don’t rush through them,
but discuss every answer in Exercise 6 for as long as it takes. Focus on what
is right, not what is missing, and rely on these interpretations to gain a new
perspective on your sexual differences. Perhaps you will miss out on some
aspects of sex that you would really enjoy, or maybe you will choose to
give more in sex than you need for yourself, but this is the case because you
and your partner have different libido types and not because there is
anything wrong with either one of you or with your relationship.
At this stage in The Talk, if despite challenging your judgments, you still
believe that there is something wrong with your partner, if you believe that
he or she is selfish, unreasonable, controlling, or in any way an
unsatisfactory partner for you, it is time to stop The Talk. In my view your
sexual problem is a symptom of a broader relationship problem and I would
encourage you to see a relationship counselor together, because, sadly, it
seems likely that you are heading down the pathway of increasing
polarization, isolation, and perhaps ultimately separation.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
IN SECTION V of chapter 14, I asked you each to summarize your
situation by outlining the effects (Exercise 8) and consequences (Exercise
9) of your mismatched libidos and then to generate possibilities to deal with
these (Exercise 10). Now I want you to do this as a shared exercise, to
arrive at a joint account of the effects of your different libido types, what
the likely or feared consequences might be, and what possibilities you have
come up with to achieve a more mutually satisfying sex life.
In compiling a combined list of effects, you may discover that you are
worrying unnecessarily. For example, you may believe that your partner
isn’t satisfied during sex because she doesn’t have orgasm, whereas she
may tell you that she prefers not to come to climax sometimes, or you may
worry that your partner is bored during sex because he doesn’t make
passionate noises, but he may tell you he is quietly savoring the moment. In
this case your problem may be quickly and easily resolved. I am sometimes
surprised by couples for whom nothing changes in terms of what they are
actually doing, but by clarifying what they are concerned about and
correcting misinterpretations, they settle into a contented sex life almost
overnight.
You may discover effects that you hadn’t considered or recognized. For
example, you may be trying hard to delay ejaculation as long as possible yet
you may not have known that your partner found prolonged intercourse
boring or painful, or perhaps you only now discover how lonely your
partner feels because sex is so infrequent. When you can’t think outside
your own libido type, there are often unexpected effects—you don’t feel
that way or have that problem, so why does your partner? As your partner
describes the effects of the mismatch, it is important that you accept that
this is how it is for him, and avoid trying to argue your partner out of it.
Once you have listed all the effects, move on to the consequences.
Sometimes there are no dire consequences, although there is
disappointment: You may worry that one consequence is that your partner
will end the relationship, only to discover she is shocked that you would
even think that way. You may discover that your partner feels unattractive
to you, or unloved by you, while you explain that you believe you are
inadequate and avoid sex for fear of failure. See the common consequence
in cases like this, for example, that you are both withdrawing or being
argumentative because you feel lonely and confused, and put aside the
specifics of who is doing what for the moment to reconnect with the
emotional strength in your relationship.
Nevertheless, some consequences of mismatched libido types are serious.
In Exercise 7, you described your deal breaker—that is, an effect of the
differences in libido type that you feel you can’t live with. When you tell
your partner about this, be careful to explain it without malice, but you need
to let your partner know that your future together is uncertain. You may be
able to compromise, but only so far, and if your partner can’t bridge the
gap, you find it difficult to be content with the sex life that suits your
partner. Perhaps you both feel this way, and it is inevitable the relationship
will end. A common deal breaker relates to frequency: How does a person
who wants sex several times a week find common ground with a partner
who can only cope with sex once or twice a month? If takes considerable
goodwill and generosity to achieve an acceptable compromise in situations
such as this.
 Maybe you can’t understand why your partner would have a deal breaker,
and find it impossible to accept that the sexual issue could make or break
the relationship. You may feel there are many reasons—children, finances,
shared responsibilities—to stay together, which may mean you have to give
up the conflict over your sex life and find a way of living together without
argument or bitterness. But one way or another, an unresolvable deal
breaker usually takes a toll on the rest of the relationship.
Before you give up, however, go through the Possibilities exercise. Read
each other’s list, and see if you can add more options. Go back to your
answers to Exercise 3, in which you describe the mismatch in objective
terms, and give suggestions as to what you believe would help. Then each
select three possibilities that you believe will move your sex life toward
greater mutual satisfaction and contentment and are realistically doable.
Examples might be “Set aside time to talk every day,” “Make time for sex
once a week,” “Help each other more with our daily tasks,” “Once a month
try something new in sex,” “Take turns to initiate sex,” “Take a quieter and
gentler approach to sex,” “Be prepared to try a role-play of my partner’s
fantasy at least once,” “Learn to appreciate stillness during physical
intimacy,” and so on.
In considering your preferred possibilities, identify what you would like
your partner to do to achieve a more satisfying sex life for you. Keep your
requests in line with your hopes for a good-enough sex life, and start with
what your partner is likely to be able to do—there is no point, for example,
in expecting your partner to initiate sex in a passionate way if you know she
is a Disinterested libido type, or wanting your Stressed lover to “make an
effort” to last longer when that will put more pressure on him, or expecting
your partner to be satisfied with “duty” sex when you know she is an Erotic
libido type. What first step would you like your partner to take in the next
few days that demonstrates your partner is willing to work on your sexual
problems?
Now comes the point where you have to take responsibility for your part
in developing a mutually satisfying sex life: What are you prepared to do in
the next few days and over the coming weeks that goes toward meeting
your partner’s needs, as described? Can you make that first change your
partner has requested? Don’t wait to see what your partner does; you can
only change your own behavior. If you both take responsibility for change,
and your focus is on meeting your partner’s needs rather than concentrating
on yourself, ultimately your sex life should move toward your mutual wants
and needs. It might sound a bit corny, but to solve your sexual problem, you
have to be on the same team, working together to please each other, not as
individuals threatening to withdraw from the game if your partner doesn’t
do things your way.
What typically happens as you follow this process is that instead of
pulling against each other and feeling hurt and let down, as you each put
yourself out to please the other person, you feel not only more loved and
secure but more empowered. As you accept that your partner is a different
libido type to you, and you develop your ability to give your partner more
of what makes your partner feel good, your own confidence as a lover
grows. A good lover is first and foremost a sensitive person who can be
flexible and reasonably adapt to the wants and needs of the partner, and the
realities of life circumstances. I’m not suggesting that it is always a simple
process to achieve the changes you have both agreed upon, and the next
chapter provides strategies to help you build your intimate life together.
 16
BEYOND THE TALK: BUILDING YOUR INTIMATE
RELATIONSHIP
THE TREMENDOUS DIVERSITY in human sexuality allows for a large
number of possible pairings. From my clinical observations, I have limited
the number of libido types to ten, and even that gives fifty-five
combinations, that is, fifty-five couples who each have a different
combination of libido types. This leads to some interesting and perhaps
confusing outcomes: A high libido in one partnership may be the low-libido
partner in another; an adventurous individual in one relationship may be
regarded as dull in another. Given this, the process of change is not the
same for all couples suffering distress caused by their different libido types.
For some of you, the shift to an acceptable compromise will not be that
difficult, because as you work through the exercises and have The Talk
together, you gain new insight into your own and your partner’s libido type
and discover that the differences aren’t as great as you feared. Some of you
will be able to correct some distressing misinterpretations, and that alone is
enough for you to feel content with what you and your partner are already
doing. Others will find that you have misunderstood what your partner
wanted in your sexual relationship, and by sorting it out, you will be able to
make some changes in what you are doing so that you both feel more
appreciated and content.
LIBIDO TYPES AND COMPATIBILITY
SOME LIBIDO TYPE combinations will have an easier time of it, while
others will struggle, and some couples will have such different libido types
that their relationship will face serious challenges to survive. I cannot
predict which relationships will thrive or not, because humans are complex
beings and there are many layers to their interactions. However, I’ll now
give a brief summary, for each libido type, of compatibility with other
libido types. (Keep in mind that each libido type may be male or female.)
The Sensual Libido Type
The Sensual lover can often build a mutually satisfying relationship with
almost any other libido type, because a characteristic of the Sensual lover is
being realistic and not expecting sex to be wonderful all the time. However,
the essential ingredient for good sex for you is emotional connection: If you
are a Sensual libido type, you need to know that your partner wants to be
physically intimate and is emotionally present during sex, even if sex is
low-key and brief. You are most likely to find this with another Sensual
lover, and possibly an Erotic lover if he can demonstrate that while erotic
and adventurous sex is important, he wants that with you. Similarly, your
sexual relationship can be good with a Dependent, Reactive, Entitled,
Addictive, or Compulsive lover, provided you sense that you personally are
an important part of his desire for and enjoyment of sex. However, if you
feel like a secondary player, that is, you feel as if he could be having sex
with anyone because it is the activities that are important, not the emotions,
you are likely to withdraw from sex over time.
You will be challenged by a Stressed, Disinterested, or Detached lover
because you will find it difficult not to interpret his avoidance of sex as a
rejection of you personally. If you can establish that the reasons the partner
is less interested in sex are not related to you, it will be easier to be
understanding of the partner’s wants and needs, and to be supportive as you
try to encourage him to be more confident and find reasons to have sex
more often. You will find it difficult to stay in a relationship with an
Addictive lover who, once the other relationships are revealed, shows no
consideration for your distress, or with a Compulsive lover if his activities
exclude your needs.
The Erotic Libido Type
The Erotic lover will have difficulty developing a mutually satisfying sex
life with any partner who does not share her enthusiasm for erotic passion
and sexual challenges. You are more likely to find this with another Erotic
lover, but it is achievable with some Sensual, Dependent, Reactive, and
Addictive lovers if the activities you want to try are not contrary to their
individual values, and you do not need every session to be a sexual
adventure. A stumbling block will be if you need your partner to feel as
passionate as you do rather than participate to please you.
You are likely to have problems with an Entitled lover if he has no
interest in the various things you want to try: The hallmark of an Entitled
lover is that sex is about his needs, not yours. You may be compatible with
a Compulsive lover whose sexual ritual fits in with your sense of adventure,
but you will probably find his focus on one special object or situation too
restrictive. You will find it difficult to empathize with a Stressed,
Disinterested, or Detached lover, so a relationship with any one of these
lovers will probably be tense and difficult to sustain.
The Dependent Libido Type
 The Dependent libido type needs sexual satisfaction frequently, so you
may find a mutually satisfying sex life with any high-libido lover. Another
Dependent lover, or a Sensual, Erotic, Reactive, or Entitled lover may be a
good match, provided your high need for sex is balanced by meeting the
sexual needs of your partner. An Addictive lover is less likely to want
frequent sex with you if his needs are getting met elsewhere, and the low-
libido types, the Stressed, Disinterested, and Detached, may have become
that type in reaction to your persistent sexual needs, but whatever the
influences that shaped their libidos, these types will not meet your needs.
The Compulsive libido type may be an option as a compatible partner on
the chance that his special needs fit in with your need for frequent sex, but
you may be unable to accept his wants and needs.
The Reactive Libido Type
Depending on how flexible you are in meeting the needs of your partner
in your own quest to feel satisfied by pleasing your partner, you can
develop a mutually satisfying sex life with most other libido types. You may
adapt to the sexual needs of the Sensual, Erotic, Dependent, Entitled, and
Addictive libido types, although you may struggle if you can’t quite be as
emotionally connected or erotically passionate as your partner may desire.
Ironically, you may find it difficult to develop a good sex life with another
Reactive libido type, unless you need your partner to arouse and have a
strong orgasm for you to feel satisfied, and your Reactive partner can
comply with this in order to please you. You will find it difficult to be
content with a low-libido type, such as the Stressed, Disinterested, or
Detached libido types, if you need your partner to become hotly aroused in
order to enjoy sex yourself, but you may reluctantly accept a relationship
with these types if you feel you must go along with the sex life your partner
insists on.
The Entitled Libido Type
This libido type will have difficulty developing a mutually satisfying sex
life with most of the libido types. Your best chance is with a Reactive or
Dependent libido type, but all other types, including other Entitled libido
types, will either expect equal time for their own sexual needs, or not be
prepared to keep up with yours. If your partner believes that it is in his best
interests to keep you happy, and you aren’t concerned whether she enjoys
sex or not, some Disinterested or Detached libido types may maintain a
regular sexual frequency as a form of marital duty or obligation. In a sense,
this is a mutually satisfying sex life, in that there are benefits for both
partners to this arrangement, and if that is good enough for both partners,
the relationship may do well.
The Addictive Libido Type
Trying to work out compatibility for the Addictive libido type is
complicated by the issue of whether your activities are known by your
partner or not, and whether you want to stop them and improve your
relationship with your long-term partner. If your affairs are still a secret,
you could cope with almost any other libido type in your committed
relationship if your intention is to continue to pursue other relationships. If
you are an Addictive lover who separates your family life from your secret
life, a good sex life with your long-term partner is a bonus, while an
unsatisfying one can be part of your justification for your other
relationships.
However, if your affairs are known about or suspected, and you value
your long-term relationship and don’t want it to end, your success will
depend on whether you can show genuine remorse and a commitment to
restoring trust in your relationship. An Erotic lover may be more
understanding of your sexual behavior and also provide adventure and
excitement, if that is what you have been chasing. A Sensual or Reactive
lover is more likely to provide emotional support if you are driven by
feelings of low self-esteem, but only if you demonstrate that you are willing
to work on your issues and not trivialize them. If your partner is a
Disinterested, Stressed, or Detached lover, disclosure of your affairs may,
for some, justify her own lack of interest in sex and widen the gap between
you. If the relationship has other strengths, the crisis provoked by disclosure
can lead to a difficult and challenging period of soul searching and hard
work by both of you, which can, eventually, create a sound and rewarding
relationship.
The Stressed Libido Type
Whether your stress about sex is the result of direct pressure from your
partner or your own fears about sexual inadequacy, you will need an
understanding and supportive partner. An Erotic, Dependent, or Entitled
lover may not have the patience to help you with your lack of confidence or
be understanding if you come quickly, or don’t come at all, or have
problems with erections, or don’t feel any passionate interest in sex. If you
can be open about your worries and not avoid talking about them, a Sensual
or Reactive lover is likely to be understanding and encouraging, and the
low-interest libido types such as another Stressed libido type or a
Disinterested or Detached libido type is likely to feel relieved if you can be
honest about your worries, because this will help her acknowledge her own
fears.
The Disinterested Libido Type
Relationships can be healthy and rewarding without a regular sex life, or
indeed any sex life at all, provided both partners feel the same way, so the
highest compatibility for a Disinterested libido type is another Disinterested
lover. You may also do well with a Compulsive lover whose needs are met
by his sexual ritual, provided his behavior is acceptable to you. There will
be significant tension between you and an Erotic, Dependent, or Entitled
lover, whose needs may have been the trigger for your own loss of interest,
but these libido types would have difficulty acknowledging this and
working with you to find a middle ground. A Sensual lover can be
understanding but will need you to demonstrate your love and commitment
to the relationship by working with him to find a mutually satisfying
solution to your mismatch.
The Detached Libido Type
As with the Disinterested libido type, your avoidance of sex will create
tension with an Erotic, Dependent, or Entitled lover who may not be patient
with a prolonged detachment from sex, even if there are known significant
life pressures that are causing it. A Sensual or Reactive partner is likely to
be understanding and supporting if you can talk about your worries. If your
detachment is due to life stresses that are also impacting on your partner, it
is possible she is feeling the same way and is now a Detached,
Disinterested, or Stressed libido type, so she will be relieved if you bring up
the sexual issues.
For those whose Detached libido has developed because of lack of sexual
attraction to your long-term partner, you recognize that your partner is not
the libido type you can be compatible with, yet you may be unsure of your
own libido type because you have not the chance to explore your sexuality
with this partner. You are probably an Erotic, Sensual, or Erotic/Sensual
libido type, so those sections above are relevant to you.
The Compulsive Libido Type
Because the paraphilias cover such a tremendous range in sexual interests
and behaviors, it will depend very much on what your specific need is as to
which libido type you are compatible with. If your ritual excludes partnered
sex, a Disinterested libido type could be a good match provided your
partner is not disapproving of your activities. If your paraphilia is separate
to your sexual relationship or is mild and you do not need your ritual every
time you have sex, you could be compatible with a number of other types,
such as the Erotic, Sensual, Dependent, or Entitled lovers.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHANGE
FROM THIS DISCUSSION of compatibility, you can see that some
couples will have an easier time resolving their sexual differences, and,
indeed, you may have already worked things out on the basis of what you
have done so far. Some of you may have made some gains but feel stuck at
a certain point, or there still may be significant tension created by major
differences in your libido types. Some couples will find progress heavy
going. Nevertheless, if the love you share and the life you have built
together means that you want to improve your sexual relationship to the
best of your abilities, you can use the detailed understanding you have
gained of your libido type, and your partner’s, to enhance your sexual
connection with your partner.
Creating a mutually satisfying sex life between partners with very
different libido types takes motivation and commitment. When knowledge
and understanding aren’t enough to shift both individuals from an “I want”
focus to a couple’s “we want” perspective, a technique derived from
cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) can help. Cognitive refers to your
thinking processes; behavior refers to your actions, and therapy refers to the
process of change. Put briefly, CBT aims to help you change what you are
thinking and doing in the situation that is causing you concern, to achieve a
reduction in distress.
You have already made some behavioral changes. Having The Talk,
changing your communication style, trying different ways to initiate sex,
exploring different activities during sex, and so on, are all examples of the
B part of CBT.
The key strategy of the C in CBT to explore your options for change is to
identify your “self-talk” about the situation. Self-talk is simply the thoughts
that run through your mind about sex. It reflects the meaning sex has for
you, your beliefs about sex, what motivates you to have sex and what turns
you off, and what gives you pleasure or is unpleasant. CBT isn’t about
telling you that your self-talk in these areas is wrong, but it helps you to
identify if your thinking is unhelpful in reconciling your sexual wants and
needs with those of your partner.
 Once you become aware of your self-talk, the themes to listen for are
preoccupation with your own needs to the exclusion of the needs of your
partner and a tendency to dismiss your partner’s attempts to state their
wants and needs, or constant self-doubt, self-criticism, anxiety, and lack of
confidence in stating your own sexual needs. These themes reflect the
meaning you give to sex, and your beliefs about how your sex life should
be. Given that there are many variations in the way people think about
specific issues, in the text that follows I’ll give generic examples to
demonstrate the principle of hearing your self-talk and consciously
challenging it in order to free yourself from your “stuck” position and be
open to new ways of moving forward:
• If your thinking is along the lines of “It’s all very well to say my
partner is normal, but what about me—it isn’t fair that I have to miss
out on the sex life I want,” then a challenging rebuttal would be
something like “It certainly is disappointing that I’m not going to
get the sex life I would like, but now I understand that my partner
has also been feeling hurt and confused about our sex life, so it’s not
just me missing out and he has had it all his way. I realize now that
we love each other and are both committed to the relationship, so
that’s a great thing to discover. It will be sad if our sex life doesn’t
go in the direction I’d like it to, but overall our life together is good.
Still, I’m not giving up—if I stay positive and encouraging, we may
find more and more common ground.” This format for a more
productive way of thinking about your situation acknowledges the
truth of your situation—you are human and it is reasonable to feel
sad or disappointed—but you are focusing on the positives in your
situation and not dwelling on the negatives. You are also
acknowledging your partner’s position, which helps you move to a
couple’s perspective rather than just your own.
• Self-critical thinking, such as “What if I start sex and I fail, what if I
[can’t get an erection, come too soon, can’t turn on, don’t have an
orgasm], what if it is annoying or I don’t enjoy the things my partner
wants to do,” can be challenged by “Even if I do have some trouble
with performance, sex isn’t just about that. Many people have
difficulties for one reason or another but that doesn’t mean sex can’t
happen and that it won’t be any good. The more I stress about what
might go wrong, the more I undermine what I can do. There are
 always ways around any problem I’m worried I might have, so we
can have fun being inventive. I don’t have to apologize for doing the
best I can.”
• Similarly, while sex may have a particular meaning for you, whether
it be an expression of the emotional connection with your partner or
a physical relief of sexual tension, or in fact sex has little importance
to you at all, constructive self-talk would be something like,
“Although sex has a special meaning for me, I have to keep in mind
that sex does not have the same meaning or importance to everyone.
It doesn’t help the situation to feel upset that my partner doesn’t
think about sex in the same way I do. I’ll keep saying what I need
from sex, and will try to give my partner what she needs.”
Shifts in your thinking that are more inclusive and validating of both
libido types set the scene for identifying actions to bring about changes in
your sex life. But how do you contain your libido if you are the higher-drive
partner or increase your willingness to have sex if you usually can’t be
bothered? How do you appreciate quieter sex if you really enjoy hot and
happening sex, or how can you get pleasure from activities that you
normally find a hassle?
MAXIMIZE THE POSITIVES, MINIMIZE THE NEGATIVES
THERE IS ONE simple reason that I have not defined mutually satisfying
sex life: In keeping with the theme of this book, it will not be the same for
everyone. I can define it in a general way, that a mutually satisfying sex life
is one whereby both partners feel that their individual sexual wants and
needs are recognized and respected by their partner, and enough of their
needs for physical and emotional intimacy are being met so that the couple
feel at ease and content with their sexual relationship. Although partners
with different libido types usually have to make some compromises to reach
this state, a sex life based on compromises that are reached grudgingly or
fail to meet an important need of one or both partners will struggle to
survive in the long term. If there are significant gaps between your sexual
needs and those of your partner, your knowledge of what enhances and
suppresses your own and your partner’s sexual interest can help you find
compromises that are acceptable, so that even if it isn’t something you want
for yourself, you are happy to meet that need for your partner, and sufficient
, that is, “good enough” to meet your significant needs, even if some wants
and needs are missed.
 The easiest way to demonstrate this process is to describe how some
couples you have already met in earlier chapters were able to achieve a
mutually satisfying sex life.
Robert and Melissa—A Dependent and Sensual/Erotic Couple
Robert is a Dependent libido type who from early adolescence has relied
on sexual release to cope with bad feelings such as stress and poor self-
esteem, and has used masturbation to overcome difficulties such as
problems getting to sleep. Over time, the main trigger for sexual activity
became negative feelings associated with lack of well-being rather than
positive or joyous feelings. By the time he formed a relationship with
Melissa, he was masturbating at least daily. Melissa is a Sensual/Erotic
libido type and initially appreciated Robert’s strong sexual desire, and
Robert’s emotional needs were met by daily partnered sex.
However, following the birth of their child, Melissa’s libido dropped to
desiring sex about once or twice a week, and her rejection of Robert’s
sexual advances led to a crisis in their relationship. Robert became
extremely distressed if Melissa said no, particularly if this happened two
days in a row. He would sometimes become angry, but mostly he would
become upset and tearful, and accuse Melissa of not loving him. Melissa
felt Robert only wanted her for sex and that he did not value the rest of their
relationship.
While the couple gained more insight into their conflict by profiling the
differences in their libido types and discussing their wants and needs more
openly, Robert still felt that the solution was for Melissa to have sex
whenever he needed it, while Melissa saw this as a trivialization of stress
she was under as a new mom with an unsettled baby and a denial of her
sexuality.
Both partners interpreted the other’s attitudes and behaviors as indicating
a lack of concern for one another, yet there was ample evidence in their
daily lives that they had a strong love for and commitment to each other.
They followed The Talk with ongoing discussion about the information that
came from the exercises, with Melissa in particular changing her reactions
to Robert’s persistent requests for sex. She gained a deeper appreciation of
Robert’s emotional insecurity, but at the same time she recognized that
despite his apparent lack of concern for her sexual needs, he did love her for
the person she is, and not just as a provider of sex.
 Melissa recognized her negative self-talk not just about Robert’s need for
sex, but her own attitude to sex since the birth of the baby. When Robert
initiated sex, she challenged her initial “Not now” or “I can’t be bothered,”
with “Hold on, maybe sex would be okay now. We have the time, and once
I get into it I know I’ll enjoy myself, and even if I don’t get hot, it will be
nice to be close.” She knew that the cues that help her get into sex included
a sensual massage or reading erotic fiction or taking the time to think about
a sexual fantasy, and she would let Robert know what would help on that
particular occasion. She regularly reminded herself that even if Robert did
sometimes need sex for reassurance, that wasn’t always a bad thing;
everyone has their idiosyncrasies, and it could be a lovely experience for
her to know that was the person he wanted that security with.
Challenging her thinking didn’t always lead to a decision to have sex:
Sometimes she concluded, “No, I really am too tired and sex would be a
hassle right now,” and she would say to Robert, “Sorry, honey, I’m just not
up to it, but I’d love a cuddle,” or “I’m okay to give you a hand job,” or
“I’ll lie with you while you satisfy yourself.” If Robert became persistent or
upset, she would say something like, “I’m sorry you are frustrated and
upset, but you know that my saying no doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’m
not able to have sex with you right now because I’m totally switched off.
I’d love to feel horny, so it’s disappointing for me, too, but at the moment
that’s how it is.”
Over the following months, Robert came to understand that his sexual
desire was typically triggered by negative feelings that regular sex did not
actually solve, but rather covered up temporarily. He had to regularly
challenge his feelings of insecurity if Melissa did not respond to his sexual
advances, with self-talk such as “Just because Melissa isn’t interested in sex
right now doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. I know she shows she loves
me every day in many ways. I’m feeling stressed at the moment, but there
are other ways I can deal with this feeling.” Robert was eventually able to
separate his low self-esteem and anxiety from his sexual desire, and he
developed new ways of dealing with these distressing feelings. He
identified positive reasons to seek sex, such as happy feelings of sexual
desire or a wish to be physically and emotionally intimate with Melissa. He
was able to initiate sex in a more lighthearted way, and he sought to
discover Melissa’s sensual and emotional cues for sex. All of this helped
Melissa switch on to her own good reasons to have sex for herself, not just
to satisfy Robert. One strategy Robert returned to was masturbation during
those periods where partnered sex was not an option, but again the
emphasis was on responding to positive sexual desire rather than as a form
of self-medication for bad feelings.
Both made a conscious effort to maintain regular nonsexual affection,
because for each, their libido types reflected their individual need for
physical intimacy as an important part of their emotional connection.
Affection had been an early casualty of their sexual conflict, which had
greatly increased the cycle of doubt and misunderstanding. They also
recognized that periods of stress in the future were likely to lead to them
each falling back into their unhelpful thinking and patterns of behavior, so
they would need to address any argument about sex as soon as it developed
rather than getting sidetracked by doubts about their love for each other.
Nicole and Barry—From Matching Erotic Types to Entitled/Erotic and Stressed
When they began their relationship, both Nicole and Barry were Erotic
libido types, but stresses associated with having a child, financial pressures,
and long working hours took their toll on Barry’s libido, although they did
not affect Nicole’s. Nicole resents the decrease in sexual frequency and the
fact that on those relatively rare occasions when Barry does initiate sex, he
no longer does it in a “can’t wait to have sex with you” way. She has shifted
into an Entitled/Erotic libido type, because she believes that she is entitled
to have the sex life they used to have, she isn’t the one who has changed,
and Barry should make more of an effort to get back to the way things were.
Barry has become a Stressed libido type from the combined effect of the
life stresses and his feelings of inadequacy that he is letting Nicole down.
While Nicole has a valid point, it’s clear that her strategy for getting her
needs met is not only not working; it is counterproductive. Unfortunately,
she cannot increase Barry’s interest in sex or provoke a return of his
previously lusty style of initiation of sex simply by insisting that is how
things should be. Similarly, Barry is not helping to restore any degree of
sexual harmony by avoiding discussing the situation, denying there is a
problem, or telling Nicole that there is something wrong with her for
needing sex so often.
There are two aspects to Nicole’s unhappiness. The first is that there has
been a loss in the frequency and quality of their sex life, and the second is
that she feels unattractive and undesirable because Barry is not coming on
to her in the way he used to. How can she change what she is thinking and
doing to resolve these issues? The problem is that, given Barry’s loss of
libido in reaction to life stresses, it is unlikely that he will return to his
previous level and style of sexual interest while those stresses continue.
Therefore, Nicole’s best bet to decrease her distress is to challenge her
attitudes to the current situation and to try new ways of behaving to bring
about any possible improvement in their sexual relationship. This means a
shift in her self-talk from themes of “It’s not fair, why should I miss out?
Why doesn’t he try harder? He’s only making excuses,” to “Maybe it isn’t
fair that our sex life has changed, but that’s the way it is at the moment. I
can’t understand why Barry has lost interest in sex, when I haven’t and I’m
under the same stresses, but everyone is different. Arguing with him about
it hasn’t helped, so maybe I need to find another way of talking to him so
that I can understand what is happening for him.”
Barry, for his part, needs to be more clear with Nicole about his point of
view. His self-talk needs to change from “Why can’t she leave me alone. I
don’t know what’s wrong; I don’t know how to make things any better.
What’s the point of trying, because I’m only going to let her down?” to “I
feel terrible that I’m not as interested in sex as I was, but I’m doing the best
I can. I don’t need to apologize for how I feel, but I do need to talk with
Nicole about it so she doesn’t feel so rejected, because it isn’t about her. I
would still like sex, but I can’t last as long and I don’t want to spend so
much time with lovemaking, but it is important to me, too, that our sex life
continues. I need to tell her what helps me get into sex, not just shut her
out.”
Nicole found that changing the way she raised the issue with Barry
produced results. She explained her point of view in this way: “I am finding
it hard to understand why you have switched off from sex so much, but I
love you and I want us to work it out, so I want to understand. I’m worried
that you don’t find me desirable anymore, and I’m upset that I’m so
sexually frustrated sometimes. I know it doesn’t help to get cranky, but it
gets me down that I don’t know how to make things any better. I want you
to know I will listen if only you will talk to me. I can’t make things any
better on my own.”
Barry took up the challenge, although he felt extremely anxious and
embarrassed. He said, “I feel bad that I’m letting you down, but I need you
to believe me when I say it isn’t you. I feel so stressed by our money
worries, and the long hours I’m working, I just don’t have the same sexual
feelings that I used to, and when we do have sex, I don’t have the same
control. I want things to be the way they were, but I am doing the best I can.
I miss having sex but it’s easier not to have it than to let you down.”
With ongoing discussions and a genuine desire to do the best they can for
each other, Nicole and Barry made some changes in their sex life. Nicole
accepted that Barry was doing the best he could, and she began to
appreciate whatever he could bring to their sex life, and to look for ways
around any difficulties. She understood the effort it sometimes took for
Barry to initiate sex at all, and she was able to value the fact that she was so
important and attractive to him that he overcame his own anxiety to
approach her. Barry became more clear in his communication: “Even
though it might seem I’m not as hot for you, I really want to have sex with
you, to be close to you, to feel your body against mine.”
Nicole accepted that she was more likely to initiate sex than Barry, and
they explored his list of cues that enhance and suppress his willingness to
have sex. He learned to hear his initial negative reaction (“Oh no, not
again”), and stop and consider the possibility that sex could be a good idea.
Nicole recognized when it was unlikely that Barry would want sex, for
example, after a long day at work, and if she did want sex, then she would
make a game of taking the lead without any pressure on Barry to get into
the same mood (which sometimes lead to him getting more interested than
either had expected). Barry explained that the main thing that stopped him
responding to Nicole’s approach was his fear that he would come too
quickly, and she would be left frustrated and upset. Nicole could see the
sense in taking the pressure off Barry, and they became more comfortable
with alternatives to intercourse, such as using the vibrator together or oral
sex. They also agreed that he needs to have the right to say no to any
activity, but at the same time if Nicole is aroused, she needs to be able to
achieve sexual satisfaction in some way. Although it wasn’t an ideal
solution for either, because Barry still felt guilty about letting Nicole down,
and she would have preferred mutual sexual stimulation, they accepted that
if he just can’t respond and doesn’t have the energy to satisfy her with
nonintercourse alternatives, she brings herself to orgasm by hand or vibrator
while Barry cuddles her.
Their sex life didn’t return to what it was before, but as they unwound the
negative Cycle of Misunderstanding, it significantly improved. They
learned to see their changed situation as disappointing in some ways, but
several months later when I caught up with them to see how they were
going, they both said that dealing with the problem together had brought
them so much closer that it was worth the pain they had been through—then
Nicole added with a smile, “almost!”
Jeremy and Jennifer—Working through an Addictive Libido Type
When Jennifer finally had solid proof that Jeremy was having an affair,
she felt a mixture of relief and anger. She had been suspicious many times
over the years, but Jeremy told her she was imagining it, that he wasn’t
doing anything, and so to have evidence that she had been right was both
good and bad. When she confronted him, she expected him to become
defensive and furious, and she was taken by surprise when he seemed to
crumple before her eyes. All he could say was “I don’t know what to say; I
just couldn’t help it,” and then eventually, “I’ll do anything. I’ll go to
counseling. Just please give me a chance.” Jennifer’s second surprise was
that she didn’t throw him out but agreed to come to counseling with him.
There is often value in exploring a person’s past in order to explain the
present, and in Jeremy’s case there was a history of family instability that
most likely had a significant impact on the development of his Addictive
libido type. However, the reality facing the couple was what to do about it
now and whether their relationship stood any chance of becoming a healthy
and mutually rewarding one. It took courage for Jeremy to reveal his
thoughts and feelings about his relationship with Jennifer, what the affairs
with other women had meant, and what his own doubts were about trying to
change. Despite her feelings of betrayal, Jennifer nevertheless felt that
Jeremy was a good person and she was prepared to invest her time and
energy in trying to save the relationship. She wasn’t prepared to take
responsibility for the choices Jeremy had made, but she could acknowledge
that she had contributed to their marital disharmony.
I admired the way this couple struggled together—how they weathered
the highs and lows, the progress which was followed by hurt and
disappointment and the hard decision to keep persevering. What we learned
was that in Jeremy’s case, he had separated his relationship with Jennifer
from his activities with other women. He loved Jennifer and his family, but
he always expected that his marriage would end, because he wasn’t really
sure Jennifer loved him. Jennifer acknowledged that she was emotionally
reserved and admitted to being more easily critical than loving toward
Jeremy. By contrast, he felt on a high when women responded to his charm,
he felt that affairs were simpler, and he felt more self confident than in his
marriage.
A breakthrough came in a session when we didn’t seem to be discussing
anything of special significance. Jennifer was talking about Jeremy’s open
flirting and that even now he continued to chat up women in social
situations. Jeremy said he couldn’t see what the problem was, and if he was
doing it in front of her, then surely it was okay; it meant he wasn’t doing
anything underhanded, and it wasn’t going to lead anywhere. He thought
Jennifer was being controlling and trying to spoil his enjoyment of the
occasion. I made the mild comment that “I guess it hurts her feelings.”
Jeremy seemed startled and looked at Jennifer: “Is that true?” “Yes,” she
said, “it always hurts me. I feel you don’t find me as attractive as that
woman, that you don’t want to be seen in public being affectionate with me,
that you don’t care about me at all.” “But that’s not how it is at all,” Jeremy
said, “I didn’t know you cared, I thought, I thought . . .”
Jeremy and Jennifer’s story is very revealing: At the heart of a situation
that most people would likely judge as hopeless, where Jeremy would be
condemned for his betrayals and Jennifer judged as foolish for staying, was
a tragic misunderstanding. The road continued to be rocky for this couple
because trust isn’t easily rebuilt, but the realization of how deeply they felt
for each other, how much each needed the love and approval of the other,
yet neither had recognized their partner’s need of it, gave them a new
beginning. As Jeremy challenged his temptation to flirt with other women,
and he honored his promise to let Jennifer know of any sexual attraction to
other women, and Jennifer consistently made the effort to let Jeremy know
of her positive thoughts and feelings about him, and not just express her
critical thoughts, the relationship grew stronger. As Jeremy’s Addictive
libido type lessened, they ultimately discovered that Jeremy was an
Erotic/Sensual lover, whereas Jennifer was more a Sensual libido type but
open to Erotic exploration. From this perspective, their differences in wants
and needs became more easily bridged.
Grace and Don, a Disinterested and Reactive Relationship
Grace, a Disinterested libido type, could live without sex. She never feels
any desire for sex, and when she has it, it is neither good nor bad, it is just
sex. Don is a quiet man who, as a Reactive libido type, puts Grace’s needs,
or lack of need, before his own. Some years passed without sex, and
although Don tried to raise the issue with her, her dismissive attitude (“Why
do you want sex? Aren’t we happy without it?”) stopped him. Grace had
thought that because Don didn’t complain, he was okay with their lack of
sex. It would be fair to say that Grace didn’t have any cues that enhanced or
suppressed her sex drive; she just didn’t think about it. She was motivated
to have sex when she wanted to become pregnant, but she saw it then as a
means to an end and not something that was meaningful or enjoyable in its
own right.
Yet Don wasn’t happy and decided to seek counseling on his own to get
some advice. Was he unreasonable for wanting sex? If Grace didn’t want it,
was it fair to push the issue? How should he discuss it with her? We went
through his libido type profile and identified that he was a Reactive/Sensual
libido type, and he wanted sex as an expression of their emotional
connection. We made the best guesses we could about Grace and concluded
that she was a strong Disinterested libido type. We decided that his best
option was to have The Talk with Grace, be prepared for her assumption
that “Everything is fine, why is sex important?” and to persevere with
putting forward his point of view despite her attempts to end the discussion.
Grace was surprised when Don persisted in talking about their sex life,
when in the past saying that she couldn’t understand what the problem was
usually put an end to any further discussion. As we had agreed, Don
overcame his own reluctance to pursue the issue and told Grace how he felt
about their nonexistent sex life. He told her he doesn’t expect a movie-style
sex life, but he would like to be physically intimate with her to feel close
and loved, because sometimes he feels lonely. To her credit, Grace listened
and realized he was serious. Grace isn’t someone who is given to a deep
analysis of a situation and has little time for regrets, but she certainly isn’t
mean-spirited. She loves Don deeply, and she realized that she had
misunderstood Don’s long acceptance of the status quo. She thought about
what Don was asking for, and considered what to do. She knew she wasn’t
interested in lots of activity, she doesn’t want sex to go on for a long time,
and she doesn’t care if she has orgasm or not, but that isn’t what Don needs.
He wants her to want to be with him, and she realized this is something she
can do quite easily.
Grace decided that perhaps there is something in sex for her that she had
overlooked. She enjoys affection, so she changed her thinking about sex in
the following way: “Don is such a sweet-heart, he has always done his best
to please me, and having sex is something that would please him and bring
us closer together—it will be pleasurable for me, too, after all, it’s just like a
very intimate cuddle.” Grace is a realist and didn’t promise what she
couldn’t deliver, but she knew that focusing on the skin contact during quiet
sex would give her satisfaction that is meaningful to her. She told Don that
if he approaches her for sex, she will be happy to go along with it maybe a
couple of times a month, although she can’t guarantee she will always say
yes. She still doesn’t do a lot during sex, but she is welcoming and caresses
Don in a way that lets him know that she is there with him. Their sex life is
not something that would ever be the basis for a scene in an erotic novel or
movie, but for this couple, it is enough.
Pattie and Mitchell: Conflict between Compulsive and Sensual Types
Mitchell’s almost daily use of Internet porn and his inability to follow
through on his promises to curtail his use despite frequent promises to
himself and his partner Pattie places him as a Compulsive libido type.
Pattie, a Sensual libido type, is hurt that sex is becoming increasingly
infrequent. Mitchell’s and Pattie’s libido types seem mutually exclusive:
Mitchell gets more satisfaction from his solitary activities, but Pattie needs
sex as an integral part of a loving relationship.
This is an example of a libido type combination that is problematic.
Working within the equal but different framework, both have the right to
their individual sexuality, neither are engaged in illegal or harmful
activities, but their differences are creating distress in their relationship as a
result of the extent of their incompatibility. It is difficult to see a way to
develop a mutually satisfying sex life unless one effectively abandons his or
her current type. Can Mitchell moderate his use of the Internet and develop
a strong enough “hit” from partnered sex so that he is motivated to have sex
with Pattie not just to please her, but for his own satisfaction? Can Pattie
live in a relationship where partnered sex happens rarely, knowing that
Mitchell is having his sexual needs met in another way?
Pattie and Mitchell had to decide how important their relationship was in
order to determine what they were prepared to do to keep it going. What are
their individual deal breakers? Pattie was quite sure she couldn’t live in a
relationship in which she had to “compete” with another sexual attraction,
that is, Internet porn, particularly when she realized Mitchell achieved
greater physical sexual satisfaction with it than with her. Mitchell wanted to
be with Pattie but didn’t see how he could give up the erotic material.
Nevertheless, he acknowledged that he is likely to encounter the same
issues in any future relationship, and he valued his relationship with Pattie
enough to tackle his compulsive use of porn.
The process for Mitchell to take control of his use of erotic material
rather than allowing it to continue to control him involves the same CBT
principles we have been discussing so far, but in a more detailed and
disciplined way. He took the first step by making the decision to change,
but this needs to be something he is motivated to do for himself, not just to
keep Pattie off his case. He needs to be clear about what he is aiming for:
total elimination of porn from his life, or controlled use on his own or with
Pattie. Addiction to pornography is so powerful in cases where the person
has been spending hours with it on most days, that achieving either
controlled use or total abstinence each has its own particular risks of
relapse. My clinical experience has led me to believe that total abstinence is
often the easier option to monitor in the long term: If you are not using,
then any use can trigger alarm bells, but it can be easy to allow yourself to
gradually stretch your limits if you are giving yourself permission for some
level of ongoing use. This means, however, that Mitchell acknowledges he
is choosing to give up that wonderful “hit” he gets from porn, in favor of
other positives he wants from a committed relationship.
To gain control, Mitchell needs to use his libido type profile from chapter
14 to identify his sensual, emotional, and thinking cues that lead to his use
of Internet porn. The sensual cues are often an edgy feeling, an inner
agitation, or a feeling of sexual frustration; the emotional cues are often
boredom, or feeling stressed or anxious. Often the self-talk is something
like, “I’ll just have a look, I won’t stay on too long,” or “I’m not hurting
anyone; it’s no different to watching TV,” or “I’ll do it just once more.” He
then has to develop effective rebuttals to that line of thinking: “No, I’m
fooling myself if I think I’ll get off the Internet quickly. I know once I start
I’ll get hooked, and then I’ll have spent hours on it again. I’ll never get [my
assignment done, enough sleep to cope at work tomorrow, my relationship
on track] if I kid myself that it’s okay to keep going.” Every time he feels
any attraction to seeking out the porn sites, he has to challenge his thoughts
and actions immediately. If he allows himself to literally seduce himself
into checking out the sites, he is reinforcing his old behavior.
At the same time, he has to replace his use of porn with something else:
He’s been doing this for a reason. There are two levels to this stage. One is
to address the negative feelings, both physical and emotional, that usually
trigger him to act on his need for porn; he sought help from a therapist to
deal with these matters. The other is to build his relationship with Pattie and
focus on what is right and rewarding between them not only sexually but in
all areas of their relationship.
Pattie’s role in this is to be supportive and not judgmental, and to
consider her own role in their difficulties. Are there any sexual problems
apart from the porn that they need to be working on together? Are there
relationship issues or life stresses that are part of the problem?
Mitchell did learn to manage his desire for pornography, but it took many
months, with several relapses. He made the commitment to Pattie to be
honest about his activities, and he honored this, although he felt
embarrassed about it. Pattie tried not to be angry when he volunteered this
information, but said, “Okay, what are you going to do about it? What can I
do that will help?” Their efforts are paying off, because they are still
together and they are optimistic about their future together.
YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
WHAT YOU LEARN from Mitchell, Pattie, Jennifer, Leo, and the other
people whose stories you just read is that whether you are the most
interested and adventurous partner or you want sex less often and in a more
subdued way than your partner, you have to know why you are prepared to
work on your sexual relationship and find what’s in it for you to change.
This isn’t being selfish; it is commonsense: It is always easier to put effort
into solving a problem of any kind if the end result is something you really
want. Compare “I love my partner and I want to have a future together,”
with “I’ll do it because I should, or it’s expected, but I’m not happy about
it.” Which one is more likely to lead to satisfying and sustainable change?
You can see from these case histories that the pathway to a mutually
satisfying sex life isn’t always smooth. All of these couples, but particularly
Jeremy and Jennifer, and Pattie and Mitchell, had to work through some
very difficult issues to get to a place where their relationship could survive
and grow. There were times when some of these couples felt like giving up,
that it was all too hard, but their belief in the good qualities in each other
and their relationship kept them going. If your sexual problems are as
complex as the couples you have just read about, you may have reached an
impasse you feel is impossible to breach. If you believe it is worthwhile
persevering, don’t give up. The following guidelines will help you build on
the knowledge and understanding you gained from The Talk:
 • Be realistic about the possibilities in your sex life, given what you
know about the differences in libido types.
• Expect gradual progress, and begin with small, achievable goals for
yourself and your partner: if it was easy to make big changes
quickly, you would have already done it.
• Listen for your unhelpful self talk and learn to silence it with more
useful lines of thinking.
• Talk kindly with your partner when he gets stuck in unhelpful beliefs,
and encourage him to think about the situation in a new way.
• Don’t keep repeating strategies that aren’t working: you might think
that your partner should respond to a particular approach, but if she
isn’t, use your knowledge of what enhances or suppresses her sexual
interest to identify a new approach to try.
• It’s okay to remind your partner about what enhances and suppresses
your sexual interest.
• If you are worrying about an issue, talk to your partner, don’t expect
him or her to read your mind—even if you have to deal with the
same issue several times.
• Always let your partner know about what is working, and not just
what isn’t.
• If something isn’t working, don’t just tell your partner about the
problem, come up with suggested solutions as well.
• Acknowledge your disappointments but don’t dwell on them.
If you keep working as a team, you may find, as Nicole and Barry did,
and indeed many other couples who have gone through this process, that
struggling together to solve such a major issue strengthens your relationship
in ways that more than compensate for a less than perfect sex life.
 17
MAINTAINING A MUTUALLY SATISFYING SEX LIFE
WHEN A COUPLE with different libido types develop a sex life that is an
amalgamation of two different sets of wants and needs, it isn’t surprising
that they might wander off course from time to time. This doesn’t mean that
your relationship isn’t working or you are back to square one, but your sex
life might need some maintenance work from time to time. Logically, it is
better to do this sooner rather than later, because the longer you leave any
growing feelings of rejection or hurt, the more damage they can do.
One suggestion that might keep you on track more easily is a regular
“satisfaction review.” I don’t encourage couples to always live on the edge
and continually check themselves in a worried way, or even to have
frequent deep and meaningful conversations analyzing their sexual
relationship; you have to live life, not observe it. My technique is simple:
On the first day of each month, as you are going about your normal life,
take a few minutes to ask yourself, “How are things going? Are we better,
worse, or about the same as a month ago?” If you feel that generally things
are going well, take a moment or two to bask in that feeling of contentment,
and then get on with your day. At some stage you might mention to your
partner how happy you are.
However, if you conclude that your sex life has started to slip, or you are
getting a bit tense with each other, it is time to act. Raise the matter calmly
and gently with your partner: “I notice we seem to be tense with each other
lately. What do you think?” Now, there is one rule that is important: If one
partner says there is a problem, then this needs to be taken seriously. It’s
okay to be reassuring—“I haven’t noticed that. I’m happy with the way
things are. Can you tell me what you have noticed?”—but you should try to
avoid a dismissive, “Don’t be silly, everything is fine.”
You may only need a few minutes to review the past month and be
reassured that things are going well, or you may identify early signs of
dissatisfaction that could lead to further distress if not dealt with now. You
may be clear about what is bothering you—perhaps there has been a
noticeable decrease in sexual frequency, or your partner is having some
performance problems that weren’t there previously—and in this case you
can go straight to that issue. However, you may have a more vague sense of
things not being quite right, so before you try to talk to your partner, clarify
in your own mind what is causing you concern.
 USING THE CYCLE OF MISUNDERSTANDING MAP
IT IS OFTEN difficult to pinpoint what seems to be going wrong, so using
the stages of the Cycle of Misunderstanding helps you identify where the
source of friction or discontent lies. By dealing early with issues that are
related to the first five stages of the cycle—Expectation, Initiation,
Reaction, Communication, and Misinterpretation—you avoid heading into
the final stages of Polarization, Isolation, and Separation. As before, write
out some notes about the issues that you identify, and then add your views
on what you believe are possible solutions.
EXPECTATION: Is there a gap between what you believe your sex
life should be like now, given all the work you have done together
and the agreements you made, and what is actually happening? Or
are you expecting your sex life to be more than it can be, given what
you know about the differences in libido types?

INITIATION: Have you or your partner reverted to old patterns of

initiation that didn’t work in the past and aren’t working now? Are
some of the new approaches to sex no longer having the desired
effect?

REACTION: If one partner is not doing as the other would like, is

the reaction one of irritation, criticism, or rejection rather than a
caring attempt to discover what might be happening for that partner?

COMMUNICATION: Have you stopped communicating about

what you like, what works for you? Do you believe that you have
already told your partner many times—why do you have to keep
repeating yourself? The reality is that you need to keep letting your
partner know what you want throughout all your years together,
because despite best intentions, we all lose sight of what is
important to other people sometimes. You can choose to be hurt and
annoyed by this, or you can adopt the easy approach of continuing
to quietly let your partner know what you want.
Has your communication style backtracked to focusing on the
negatives without giving at least equal time to the positives? Is it
easier to say what is wrong rather than what is right? When was the
last time you told your partner you were happy with the way things
 were, or pleased and proud of the changes you had each made?
When did you last let your partner know how much you enjoyed
being cuddled or touched by him, or that the sex you just had was
enjoyable and satisfying?

MISINTERPRETATION: Check your interpretations of what is

happening in your sex life, and your relationship generally. What
thoughts are preoccupying you? Are you worried your partner
doesn’t care, or are you concerned that you are letting your partner
down? However trivial your worries might seem, don’t tell yourself
you are being silly, because they aren’t likely to disappear. Clearly
identify your interpretations, and examine the evidence for them,
and then consider what action to take: do you need to raise the issue
with your partner if you feel your concerns have a reasonable basis,
or rethink the situation yourself and put your concerns into
perspective if you discover you have been worrying unnecessarily?
Once you have identified clearly the issues that are troubling you and you
have thought about what you regard as the possible solutions, take a few
days to reflect on your ideas. Put yourself in your partner’s position and try
to see these issues from your partner’s point of view. Does this change your
conclusions at all—for example, are there life pressures that are having a
different effect on your partner than you, either increasing his desire so that
you feel hassled by his approaches or lessening his desire so that you feel
rejected. Are the solutions you would like to put in place likely to be
acceptable to or useful for your partner? When you are confident that you
have a good grasp on what is happening in your sex life that is causing you
such disquiet, and you can express this in objective and not argumentative
terms, you are ready to have The Talk again.
HAVING THE TALK AGAIN
LIFE HAS A way of throwing up unexpected challenges, and your sex life
can be destabilized by life events as diverse as having a baby, getting a new
job, illness of a family member, death of a loved one, legal problems, and
so on. Even the normal process of aging affects people in different ways.
Some libido types will draw strength from maintaining the sexual
relationship, while others will shut down, so you may once again find
yourselves feeling lost and uncertain about your relationship.
 If you deal with any concerns quickly, having The Talk again can be a
reaffirmation of your genuine interest in your partner’s sexuality and your
commitment to achieving a mutually satisfying sex life. Your partner may
not be aware that you are feeling dissatisfied with your sex life again, and
even if he is, he may be reluctant to revisit a topic that is so emotionally
charged. Whether you are still doing a regular “satisfaction review” or you
have stopped this practice, you can open up the discussion with the routine
question, “How do you think things are going?” If your partner replies that
everything is fine, you can tread carefully with a soft reply such as, “Yes,
we did work hard to make our sex life better, didn’t we? But I am a bit
worried that some things have slipped, that we aren’t doing as well as we
were. I’m pleased that you are happy with our sex life now, but I would like
to talk about a few things so we stay on track. Is this a good time now, or
should we arrange another time?”
At that point, your partner will probably want to get some idea of what
the problems are, but don’t bring out your notes and proceed to list all your
worries. Give a short description of the situation from your point of view,
and ask your partner’s views on it. If your partner is dismissive, let him
know that you understand how hard this is, but these are important matters
to you, and you need to discuss them. Whatever the reaction, tell your
partner you don’t want to deal with the issues then and there; you would
like him to think about them and have The Talk at another time. Then
suggest that he reread chapter 15 on The Talk, and any other chapter you
think is relevant. If your partner hasn’t read this book previously or won’t
review it, try jotting down the rules and points you believe are most
important.
The next step is to repeat the process of The Talk at the arranged time.
Remember to use description rather than judgment as you talk about your
worries, to ask your partner what he would like to change and to let your
partner know what you want. As before, you each need to take
responsibility for change rather than wait for the other person to take the
first step. Don’t lose sight of the progress you achieved last time, and your
belief that you can achieve a mutually satisfying sex life again by working
together as a team. If your discussion becomes tense, or your partner
believes that having to have The Talk again means you are back to square
one and your relationship is hopeless, be honest and don’t gloss over what
is worrying you, but at the same time reinforce all the reasons why you love
him and want to have a future together.
Once you have identified what you each need to change in order to re-
establish your mutually satisfying sex life, take your time, don’t pressure
yourselves: You have reestablished your joint goals of a committed, long-
term relationship, so you can be reassured you are still on the same team.
Even when you achieve a stable and satisfying sex life again, your sex life
will in all likelihood continue to fluctuate through the ups and downs of
life. Revisiting The Talk from time to time, while emotionally challenging,
is likely to be less so than the pain of remaining in a relationship in which
you feel estranged from each other, or going through the process of
separation, so it is worth continuing your maintenance of your sex life over
the coming years.
INTO THE FUTURE
THERE IS AN amazing diversity in human sexuality, and I hope you have
come to be as curious and fascinated by it as I am. Differences in sexual
wants and needs can be a challenge to a relationship, but the extent to which
they undermine a loving and committed relationship is up to you. You have
done well to have worked your way through all the exercises set up for you,
and to persevere with the emotionally demanding process of The Talk, and I
hope you have both reached a stage in your relationship of security and
contentment. I believe that the skills you have learned in working your way
through the stresses of mismatched libidos will stand you in good stead in
the future, and if like many couples, you find yourself out of sync with your
partner from time to time, this book will be there as a useful resource to
help you bridge the gap again. What makes up a sound and healthy
relationship is pretty basic: two people who care about and want the best for
each other, who each put themselves out to meet the needs of the other
person. Couples who practice respect, tolerance, and goodwill in their
relationship generally as well as in their sex life are, I believe, most likely
to find that whatever their particular libido type may be, they can develop a
mutually satisfying sexual relationship that sustains them through the years.
 RECOMMENDED READING
Cass, Vivienne. The Elusive Orgasm. Bentley, Australia: Brightfire Press,
2004.
Birch, Robert, and Cynthia Leif Ruberg. Pathways to Pleasure: A Woman’s
Guide to Orgasm. New York: PEC Publishing, 2000.
Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999.
Heiman, Julia and Joseph LoPiccolo. Becoming Orgasmic. New York:
Simon & Schuster, 1992.
Kaschak, Ellyn, and Leonore Tiefer, eds. A New View of Women’s Sexual
Problems. New York: Haworth Press, 2002.
Kleinplatz, Peggy, ed. New Directions in Sex Therapy: Innovations and
Alternatives. Philadelphia: Brunner-Routledge, 2001
Metz, Michael, and Barry McCarthy. Coping with Premature Ejaculation
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2004.
———. Coping with Erectile Dysfunction. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger,
2004.
Pertot, Sandra. Perfectly Normal: Living and Loving with Low Libido.
Emmaus, PA: Rodale, 2005.)
———. Sex Therapy and the Cultural Construction of Sexuality.
Contemporary Sexuality 40, no. 4 (2006): 9-13.
Zilbergeld, Bernie. The New Male Sexuality. New York: Bantam, 1999.
 INDEX
acceptance of differences
actions. See human behavior
addiction to pornography
Addictive libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
affairs. See Addictive libido type
affectionate intimacy
beliefs about sex
Addictive libido
Compulsive libido
Dependent libido
Detached libido
Disinterested libido
Entitled libido
Erotic libido
expectations derived from
Reactive libido
Sensual libido
Stressed libido
bondage and discipline
change
dealing with lack of
identifying strategies for
of libido type
to meaning of sex
with Possibilities approach
stress and
taking responsibility for
characteristics versus dysfunctions
cognitive behavior therapy (CBT)
A Commonsense Guide to Sex (Pertot)
communication
 about fears
about likes and dislikes
challenging your own beliefs
equality in
examples of
listening as aspect of
overview
rules for
satisfaction review
shame as block to
understanding each other via
See also The Talk
Compulsive and Sensual couple
Compulsive/Erotic libido type
Compulsive libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
confidence, value of
consequences of libido differences
couples counseling
Cycle of Misunderstanding
communication
expectation
initiation
isolation
misinterpretations
overview
polarization
reaction
separation
Cycle of Misunderstanding, reversing the
See also exercises; The Talk
deal breaker analysis
Dependent and Sensual/Erotic couple
Dependent and Stressed/Sensual couple
Dependent/Entitled libido type
Dependent/Erotic libido type
Dependent libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
description versus judgment
Detached and Erotic couple
Detached and Sensual couple
Detached libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
Disinterested and Reactive couple
Disinterested and Sensual couple
Disinterested libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
Disinterested/Sensual libido type
disorders, normal versus
diversity
effects and consequences of libido differences
overview
driving force. See sex drive
dysfunctions
effects of libido differences
emotional relationship, strengthening
emotions
Addictive libido
 Compulsive libido
Dependent libido
Detached libido
Disinterested libido
Entitled libido
Erotic libido
as human nature
interaction of sensual cues, thoughts, and
Reactive libido
Sensual libido
Stressed libido
empowerment
Entitled and Reactive couple
Entitled and Sensual couple
Entitled/Dependent libido type
Entitled libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
Erotic and Detached couple
Erotic and Erotic couple
Erotic and Reactive couple
Erotic and Sensual couple
Erotic and Stressed couple
Erotic/Compulsive libido type
Erotic/Dependent libido type
Erotic libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
erotic material
Erotic/Sensual and Dependent couple
Erotic/Sensual libido type
exercises
 dealing with no change
describing mismatches
effects and consequences of libido differences
identifying ideal sex life
identifying misunderstandings
identifying possibilities
identifying relationship potential
importance of sex
overview
typing yourself and your partner
expectations
experimental sex
fantasies
fetish
gender, influence of
hormones, sex drive and
human behavior
identifying causes of
interpreting meaning of
motivation for
initiation
Internet
isolation
judgments
descriptions versus
identifying
key concepts
Addictive libido
Compulsive libido
Dependent libido
Detached libido
Disinterested libido
Entitled libido
Erotic libido
overview
Reactive libido
Sensual libido
 Stressed libido
knowledge, importance of
libido. See sex drive
libido types
changes to
concept development
effective utilization of
identifying your
typing yourself and your partner
See also mixed libido types; specific types
listening, value of
love
lust as necessary
masturbation
Compulsive libido and
as convenient tension reliever
Dependent libido and
Detached libido and
historic view of
lack of interest in
limiting beliefs about
mood alteration with
as sleep aide
Stressed libido and
meaning of sex
Addictive libido
Compulsive libido
Dependent libido
Detached libido
Disinterested libido
Entitled libido
Erotic libido
Reactive libido
Sensual libido
shifts in
Stressed libido
men, sexual dysfunctions of
mismatched libidos
describing
effects and consequences of
erotic material as source of conflict
misinterpretations
partners’ roles in
possibilities for
theme for discussing
misunderstandings. See Cycle of Misunderstanding
mixed libido types
Compulsive/Erotic
Dependent/Erotic
Entitled/Dependent
Erotic/Sensual
overview
Sensual/Disinterested
Sensual/Stressed
mutually satisfying sex life
negative thoughts and feelings
deal breaker analysis
of Disinterested libido type
fear of discovery of paraphilia
from outside stressors
in self-talk
sexual desire based on
nonsexual affection
normal
diversity as
good people doing the best they can as
overview
past and present expectations
problems and characteristics
oral sex
paraphilia
partner swapping
performance anxiety
determining cause of
 effect of
overcoming
of Stressed libido type
personality types. See libido types
pity sex
polarization
positive thoughts and feelings
developing
expressing to your partner
strengths analysis
Stressed libido versus
Possibilities approach to problems
preferred sex life
problems
dysfunction versus
individual differences as
Possibilities approach to
pursuers
reaction
Reactive and Disinterested couple
Reactive and Entitled couple
Reactive and Erotic couple
Reactive libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
relationship characteristics
relationship issues
Addictive libido
Compulsive libido
culmination of
Dependent libido
Detached libido
Disinterested libido
Entitled libido
 Erotic libido
overview
Reactive libido
Sensual libido
Stressed libido
relationship sex
reproduction, sex and
rituals
rules for The Talk
satisfaction review
schedule for The Talk
self-analysis
self disclosure
self-esteem of Addictive libido types
self-talk, freeing yourself from
Sensual and Compulsive couple
Sensual and Detached couple
Sensual and Disinterested couple
Sensual and Entitled couple
Sensual and Erotic couple
Sensual and Sensual couple
Sensual and Stressed couple
sensual cues
Addictive libido
Compulsive libido
Dependent libido
Detached libido
Disinterested libido
Entitled libido
Erotic libido
interaction of thoughts, emotions, and
Reactive libido
Sensual libido
Stressed libido
Sensual/Disinterested libido type
Sensual/Erotic and Dependent couple
Sensual/Erotic libido type
Sensual libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
Sensual/Stressed and Dependent couple
Sensual/Stressed libido type
separation
sex drive
of Entitled libido type
of Erotic libido type
hormones and
negative feelings as basis of
overview
response to pressure
social context and
variance in levels of
sex offenders
sex research
on frequency and passion
results of
variability of issues
sex therapy
sexual dysfunction, defining
sexual expectations, past and present
sexual potential
sexual problem, defining
sexual variety
social context
beliefs about sex in
sex drive and
as source of diversity
standards of behavior
social stereotypes
spiral of conflict
strategies for change
strengths analysis
Stressed and Erotic couple
Stressed and Sensual couple
Stressed libido type
compatibility of
examples of
key concepts
overview
relationship issues
Stressed/Sensual and Dependent couple
Stressed/Sensual libido type
style of communication
The Talk
acceptance of differences
detailing the mismatch
empowerment from
guidelines for building on results
identifying misinterpretations
overview
rules for
schedule for
self disclosure
summary
with uncommunicative partners
utilizing in the future
See also communication; Cycle of Misunderstanding
thoughts, sex-related
Addictive libido
Compulsive libido
Dependent libido
Detached libido
Disinterested libido
Entitled libido
Erotic libido
as human nature
interaction of sensual cues, emotions, and
Reactive libido
 self-talk
Sensual libido
Stressed libido
time out signal
traditional views
typing yourself and your partner
vibrators
wants
Addictive libido
Compulsive libido
Dependent libido
Detached libido
Disinterested libido
Entitled libido
Erotic libido
identifying
Reactive libido
Sensual libido
Stressed libido
When Harry Met Sally (movie)
withdrawers
women, sexual dysfunctions of
workaholics
 Copyright © 2007 by Sandra Pertot, PhD

Published by
Marlowe & Company
An Imprint of Avalon Publishing Group, Incorporated
245 West 17th Street • 11th Floor
New York, NY 10011-5300

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in whole or in

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Pertot, Sandra.
p. cm.
Includes index.
eISBN : 978-0-786-73404-7
1. Sex. 2. Sexual excitement. 3. Pleasure. 4. Communication in sex. 5.
Intimacy (Psychology) I. Title.
HQ31.P48 2007
306.7—dc22
2006033194