Hegemonocle is

AS SEEN ON TV

Spring 2024
Vol 28 i. 2
 The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine
Volume 28, Issue 2
Spring 2024

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Head Of Production

Dan Bially Levy ‘24 Rene’e Gonzales ‘24
Daniela Martinez Partida ‘25

Head Writer Chin Of Production

Paul McGinn ‘26 Georgia Richter ‘26

STAFF
Lillie Grouws ‘24 Arthur Motoyama ‘24 Hans Haenicke ‘25*

Talia Ostacher ‘25 Audrey Lester ‘26 Anna Fratto ‘27

Merce Lutzker ‘27 Karina Vivar-Cortez ‘27 Ian Machalek ‘27

Coat Rack ‘99

* Study abroad

SHOUT OUTS
Niko Bjork, for living in our hearts and thinking that we died

The mascot design team, for making a cow look like Debbie Ryan (radio rebel)

The janitor who sent us a really sweet email <3

Kim, the hege’s private chauffeur

Daniela’s mom, who 21 years ago today birthed a child through her abdomen

Daniela’s dad, who watched! Yay Daniela’s Dad!

Jonathan Cardenas, for surviving a whole semester as our advisor

Macalester’s board, who raised tuition by $4,000. We love it! Yay! The hege loves not knowing how we’re gonna put
food on the table. Potatoes for a year it is. The hegemonocle has been lobbying the board to take this measure since
the last tuition increase. We say double it! Unlike the ungrateful slothful students who want to freeride through
their secondary education, we have no issues submitting to the board. The board’s a good man. You fill our cup, we
fill yours. $80,000 tuition by 2028 baby!!!

Founders : Mikey Freedman ‘ 11 and Danny Rocklin ‘ 11

characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely satirical.
Follow us on instagram and twitter: @hegemonocle
email: [email protected]
 Words of Desire
A Reader x Capstone
I was sitting in a dark room, only lit by my curbside-find lamp. In front of me
was a closed laptop. My hands hovered over it, gripping the sticker layered
machine, fighting the urge to just get up and run. Why? Why do I need to sit
here? Sitting, crying, begging whatever god that’ll listen to free me, as my hand
forcibly opens the laptop, flashing me in a blinding light. There….sitting wide
open and waiting for my quivering fingers;
My Capstone.
A blank page with an oversized title, begging Capstone Hell
for me to whisper sweet nothings, as I held :(
myself back from the sweet release. A release of
ecstasy as I finally get to submit this monster, in
a future farther than my body ached for.

“Fuck me!” I hissed, slamming the laptop shut, a frustrated groan escaping
my closed, plump lips. In one swift motion, I started to rise from my shitty
chair, when I heard a deep, scratchy, voice:
“Leaving so soon? We only just started.”
I whip around, my eyes frantically searching for a figure to match such a sound.
“What the fuck….” came a whisper, only for myself, as I was faced with nothing but
piles of empty coffee cups and energy drinks. I lifted an unopened can from the
ground, “I’m too tired for this shit,” and cracked open a room-temp drink .
“But are you? Sure looks like you need to finish me.”
This time….this time my eyes caught a glimpse of where the voice was coming
from. Flashes of light coming from the opening and closing of my laptop. I was
frozen, my eyes fixed on the freakish form of technology. A shiver of fear
caused the hair on my arms to raise, and my core to tremble. Anger? Fear? I
had no time to decide my conflicted feelings as the machine spoke,

“You need to return to me. Now,” said the laptop, a firm edge to the tone. “I won’t
allow disobedience in my presence.”
 It was a compelling force. I quickly felt myself stumbling to my desk, shaky hands
pulling the chair far enough for me to comfortably sit. “I…,” an audible gulp could
be heard. I felt the Times New Roman colored eyes watching every action I did. My
breathing, my blinking, my gulps. “I don’t need to listen to you. I am probably
having a heart attack and this is why I am…I am thinking this.” A stammered
response, it made no sense, but too late now.
“According to the JSTOR search engine, that is false.” A series of beeps,
flickering lights as the laptop flickered through the various tabs of research and
avoidance I had open. Now, sitting on my desk, was a sleek body. Silver chrome,
defined muscles, tattooed with my paper title in sneaky places, and a head that is
just a laptop; wide open. Digital eyes, drilling into my soul. “Now get over here,
and get to work.”
A sharp demand. I felt a tug around my throat, a
series of argumentative adjectives and passive words
forming a leash, tugging me close, as my humanized
laptop carefully lowered their head for me, forcing me
to look deep into those cold, calculating eyes.
“What color?” They asked, demanding the truth, as
my trembling fingers reached for the keys. I scrambled my hazy brain, trying to
remember what the hell that could mean. The three color system; Red: Hard stop and
that I want to end our scene. Yellow: Hesitance, not truly liking what is going on, but
willing to switch it to something else. Green: Nothing wrong with the scene, wanting
to continue on.
I typed: Green
A trembling breath left my open lips. I began to write. A tight pull, dragging me
closer and closer. The words swirling in front of me on the screen. Whispers of
more dripping from my lips. Promises and praises when I hit another page. Tugs
and firm anger when my eyes wandered away for too long. Only them. Only the
screen. That’s all I need when I feel the tug. Sharper. Firmer. Yes….Green

TIME SKIP
 I slumped back, panting, my hands trembling. I felt weak, my eyes hazy, but they fell
on to my open laptop. No longer was the sculpted figure that tugged me around sitting
watching. Instead, on the stark white screen, a finished capstone and the text;

Good Job, Y/N….Too bad

you won’t need a capstone
again. ;)

The End

Written, for the last time, and Drawn by

Rene’e Gonzales
 Hegemonocle
About the Staff
RenE’e
King of the sunk cost fallacy
Fanfic god
Had to sacrifice his soul for a finished capstone
Least Mexican :(
Left for Japan last semester and we talked about them every
meeting. We'll miss them!!!

Hello...(:

Dan-ger Bially Levy

Still hasn’t fucked the bell [last chance :( ]
Easy Target for Unwarranted photos
Only man to be featured on both People’s “Sexiest Men Alive”
and Time’s “Top Ten Questions Science Can’t Answer”
Compliments Redacted by Georgia

Daniela
Post feet pics on twitter dot com as a “joke”
Now of legal drinking age
Takes multiple capstone courses then complains about them
Up at the Ass fat of dawn
 Paul
Rolls r’s when sneezing
Keeps us all on track ��
Firmly rejects any stalker photos
Has had at least three people tell him he looks like Gale from BG3

Anna
Doesn’t know about dom/sub
Never read fanfic (this is a green red flag)
Summoner of men
Hege-Recruiter

Lillie
semen sommelier
Best couch for drunk people
Finally finished her capstone slayed the house down
Hard to take stalker photos of
Like the sweetest person ever (Audrey feels like being nice)

Talia
Totally not Latin American
{Latina baddie}
Anarchist saboteur
Getting their BA in Yapping

Ian
Discord Mod hand movements
they’re growing… GROWING!
Theater kid :o
Long and lean and kinda lanky
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