hegemonocle

Parents
How to get your kid
to eat anything
(seriously, anything) Is it time for
the snip-snip?
everything daddy
needs to know
Bird Flu
how to make
sure your
favorite kid
survives

6 PACK
6 WEEKS
6 easy exercises
to get your baby
in shape

“MY KID SHITS HIS PANTS!”

+
One dad’s experience with pants-shitting

************AUTO***sch 5-digit 534 New study shows your daugther’s

kindergarten teacher wants to bone you
favor duke Dec14
1600 Grand Ave 0168
St. Paul, MN 55105 P0000186
 THE Macalester
HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 11, Issue 2
The Parenting Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Ross “Janice” Boehme ’15
Henry “Janet” Fremont ’15

EDITORIAL
Assistant Editors
Jamie “Wilbur” Goodin ’17
Austin “Sherry” Parsons ’17

DESIGN
Head of Production
Lydia “Nancy” Karlson ’16

STAFF

Coat Rack ’99 Xander “Diane” Gershberg ’17 Becoming Parents Abroad
Tyler “Susan” Krentz ’15 Marissa “William” Heim ’17 Emma “Gloria” Soglin ’16
Phineas “Gerald” Rueckert ’15 Natalie “Lee” Kronebusch ’17 Jinath “Patricia” Tasnim ’16
Andrew “Joyce” Shirley ’15 Eli “Marilyn” Lilleskov ’17 Tom “Tom” Wakin ’16
Spencer “Lois” Carter ’16 E.J. “Sue” Schoenborn ’17
Liam “Joe” Downs-Tepper ’16 Yafiet “Maureen” Bezabih ’18
Anthony “Mike” Granai ’16 Sarah “Earl” Coleman ’18
Declan “Larry” Cummings ’17 Danny “Tressie” Ochoa ’18
Ellie “Eleanore” Fuqua ’17 John “Constance” Ratz ’18

SHOUT OUTS
“MPIRG”
Ocean’s 11, Ocean’s 13
Free time during finals to edit and produce this motherfucker
Vegan magic pie
Our Great-Grandparents: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us: The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four times
[email protected] Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
@hegemonocle 1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is All content, except what we’ve stolen
facebook.com/hegemonocle Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
Hegemonocle, 2014.
Editorial
When we first told our parents we were editors of The Macalester
Hegemonocle, they responded, “Stop avoiding the question. Did you or did you not
scratch the car?”
Now that our parents have had time to reflect on our accomplishment, they’re
even more proud. Even if we really had scratched that ‘06 Subaru Forester trying to
ride that grocery cart majestically into the sunset, deep down they understand that
it was all a part of the process.
The process that put us on the track to greatness.
“At least you weren’t hanging out with that low-life Jimmy,” they said. “He’s a
rapscallion, through and through.”
They’re right. Jimmy was a rapscallion. And we’re done with that life. We’re
not like that anymore. We promise. We’ve moved on. Just one more job, then we’re
done. Out of the game forever. Now there’s eleven of us, each with an equal share.
You do the math.
The specs aren’t on the gray market, the black market or any other market and
all we keep hearing is there’s never been a system like this. We’ve blown all our buy
money, our bribe money, four of our best I.D.’s and we’re nowhere. Well not only are
we nowhere, we’re pretty sure we’re being followed. But not by our parents.
We’re awfully proud of them. They fed us, taught us, and dropped us on our
head few enough times that we were still able to get into Macalester. Without them,
we’d probably be unemployed, lying in a ditch, addicted to drugs, flipping burgers
at McDonalds, hanging out with troublemakers, eating nutritionally sparse food,
without a job, with no parents, an orphan, selling drugs, with a bad credit score,
godless, listening to sweary slam-a-jam music, skipping school, subsiding on cheese
quesadillas, and lacking a career.
For their 22 years of care, we want to say thank you. And thanks in advance for
the six years of financial assistance after we graduate with our liberal arts degrees.
So without further ado, here’s The Hegemonocle: Parenting Issue, just for you.

Ross Boehme and Henry Fremont

The Macalester Hegemonocle
December 2014
 In the News
Monsanto’s New “Agent Blue” Groundbreaking Genetics Study Proves You Look
Child A Serious Gamechanger Like Dad When He Was Your Age
In response to declining math and According to a study published in the American Journal
science development in the United States of Human Genetics this month, researchers have determined
gene pool, many US parents are starting that amazingly, somehow, you closely resemble Dad when
to adopt members of Monsanto’s latest he was about how old you are now. The research team of Dr.
controversial GMC line. Your Grandmother, after scouring photo albums and precisely
Arguably the best on the market analyzing your facial structure, have found that for some
this quarter, Monsanto’s Agent Blue strange, perhaps unfathomable reason, you look a lot like the
child reportedly guarantees alpha person who contributed half of your genetic code.
characteristics in both the sciences and “We believe our findings could have fundamental impacts
athletics. on the field of genetics. We did not expect to have such
Critics of the child complain of definitive results,” said the study’s co-author, Dr. Your Mother. “I
Monsanto’s sterility policy, wishing to mean, you look just like Dad! Who could’ve guessed?”
entwine such superior traits into their own The study’s results were so astonishing that many
genetic line. leading geneticists initially refused to believe them. However,
An Agent Blue’s desire for perfection researchers everywhere have been able to corroborate
and purification of society guarantee a Grandmother, et al.’s findings that, however hard to explain,
successful continuation of your family there seems to be a link between the 23 chromosomes and 1.6
name, but copies of the patented genome billion nucleotide base pairs you and Dad share and the way
cost more than a pretty penny, so start both of you look.
saving now! “Even we weren’t sure of our results at first, but there’s no
Just one Agent Blue will pay your denying you look just like him,” said research assistant Your-
family line dividends, but simply affording Uncle-Who-Also-Looks-Like-Dad.
your first might cost you an arm and a leg The research team concluded their study with a prediction
and maybe your first few Naturalborn. that, yes, somehow, your kid will probably look like you, too. ♦
With unparalleled mental and
physical speed, this new line of child is
looking to bump Apple’s iGirl from its
chokehold on the child market since her
conception years ago.
Boasting scientific prowess as well as
a high-paying job at Monsanto following
their extensive youth training years, your
new Agent Blue baby won’t be such
a fucking disappointment like Jimmy.
Jimmy’s okay and you’re proud of him
for figuring out what Charter bundle you
should get, but honestly isn’t it time for a
genetic upgrade? ♦

4
 Colorado Poll: Is your
child on drugs?
Bullying: An opinion 42%: No I don’t think so hahahaha wait what are we talking
about?

We’ve all been there: your kid comes home 30%: Wait hahaha wait wait omg why is there a Domino’s guy
at the door WHAT no way I totally forgot we ordered pizza that is
with a black eye, split lip, bruised thigh, cracked hip,
hilarious I’m so high.
you name it! They refuse to tell you why or give you
some bullshit excuse like “My friends and I were just
15%: Honestly I think my favorite would have to be a three way
messing around” or “I hit my head on the teeter- tie between Bossanova Haze, Mango Kush, and Blue Dream.
totter.” Pft. As if! Your kid doesn’t have friends and Gotta get the BD in there; that one’s a fucking staple. Wait what
they definitely aren’t tall enough to hit the teeter- was the question again?
totter. No, fellow parents, the truth is that your kid is
getting bullied! 13%: Yes
Now hold off on your reaction for a quick sec.
I know you’re probably going to be sad that your Colorado Poll: Is your
kid is being bullied, angry at the little punk that’s child not on drugs?
bullying them or even embarrassed your kid is such
a fucking nerd. But fellow parents, I’m going to tell 100%: Wait... I know this one. No! Hahahahaha Connie babe you
you something radical: you should be happy. gotta hear this one come here wait WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING
“What?” you ask. “Happy?” holy shit I’ve never even heard of Cake Boss is that like Ace of
Cakes? Whoaaaaaa that looks sooooo gooooood can we make
I know, I know, it’s crazy but give me a chance. that some time because that would be so awesome hahahaha
Hear me out ‘rents. I’m so high wait who’s that guy in the doorway?
How else will your kid learn to fight dirty? Who
else will let them experience the joys of a swirlie? A
purple nurple? A wango tango? Where else will they Alliterative * Reprimands
realize that nothing they want in life will ever come
to pass and that ultimately it’s better to just give
for the * Modern * Mom
up and not even try because that’s the only way to
• Honey, a bannister is not a boyfriend.
save yourself from the crushing disappointment of
having your hopes and dreams pulverized just like • A peenie is not a plaything.
your spirit? • Uncle Timmy is not a toilet.
Riddle me that, dads!
• Big boys don’t bundle bad bank loans.
Here’s what I know: Your kid’s gonna be a
• You shouldn’t saturate that!
much stronger person after getting bullied. They’ll
understand the facts of life before they can even • Masochism makes mommy mad.
spell ‘em.
• Good guys don’t get the goods.
So next time your kid comes home riddled with
bruises or self-doubt courtesy of one of their more • Men masturbate.
bulky and/or confident peers, don’t sweat it! Know • Cadavers don’t like cuddling.
that, in the end, your kid is building character and
• Stop sexting!
gaining valuable life experience. ♦

5
 How to Make Your Kid

Cool
Every parent has a deep-seated fear
that their child will end up being a
fucking nerd. Here’s how to make
sure that never happens:

Get them arrow and feather tattoos.

Teach them to outwardly demonstrate ultimate
aloofness through crossed arms or hands on hips.
Make them stare off into the distance looking
soulful and filled with angst.
Teach them hip catchphrases such as “the man’s got
me down” or “I’m not like the rest of you sheeple.”
Minimalist toys such as a wooden car, a piece of
string or a sweet potato.
Tobacco products. There’s nothing as classically
suave as a 1st grader taking a smoke break during
recess.
Craft microbrew apple juice in their lunch box.
Have a second child who’s a total dork to make your
first look cooler.
Frame them for causing trouble at school and don’t
sign their detention slips so they achieve rebel
status.
Put vodka and shrooms in their lunch box. If they
complain, try organic lunchables.
Keep them in the freezer. ♦

Signs Your Child is • Becomes vegetarian

• Reads books
Slipping Away • Speaks in public
• Doesn’t call as often anymore • Doesn’t use suntan lotion
• Spends all day on computer when at • Didn’t see wet floor sign
home • Doesn’t talk to you
• Low coefficient of static friction • Can’t have a home cooked meal
• Votes Democratic without a glass of wine
6
 Study: 80% of Children Whose Parents
“Turned Car Around” Became Serial Killers

P
arenting experts have the eighth grade superlative The question became: What
long claimed that for ‘Least Likely to Murder, happened on those road trips?
parents with conviction Dismember, and Eat 17 Men “Every parent has
raise more ruly children. But and Boys Between 1978 and threatened to turn the
Dr. Lisa Goldstein of Columbia 1991.’” proverbial car around,”
University recently found that Goldstein then interviewed Goldstein said. “The difference
for every parent who “turned the killers’ families to find out between the serial killers’
a car around,” four fifths of a what went wrong. She found a parents and your average
child became an embittered common thread. Jimmy Gibaldi’s parents, was
serial killer. “As adolescents, many that the former actually went
Goldstein began her future serial killers went on through with it. Just like their
research by contrasting contentious family road trips,” kids would go on to do.”
the childhood trajectory of Goldstein said. “Afterwards, Goldstein concluded the
America’s serial killers with their behavior became erratic study by offering alternative
that of the general population. and angsty. And not like your road trip reprimands.
“I was surprised to find that average teenager erratic and “Spank them, swear at
many of these serial killers angsty.” Goldstein pelvic- them, deprive them of food
were well-liked and socially thrusted the air. “Like John and proper hygiene facilities.
adjusted children,” Goldstein Wayne Gacy started having Just please don’t turn the car
said. “Jeffrey Dahmer won sex with dead bodies.” around.” ♦

• Voted no on MPIRG Dr. Goldstein’s

• Keeps saying things like “You’re not my Mom,” and Road Trip Tips
“Please stop showing up at my house,” and “I’m getting a • Keep your eyes on the
restraining order.” road unless you need to
• Breaking free of the leashed backpack rejuv with a quick nap.
• Rolls through stop signs • Follow most laws.
• Limit distractions by
• Wants you to stop going to his classes ♦ muzzling all children.
7
I Lie to My Children,
and You Should Too!
An Open Letter From a Parent Who Cares

I
have two little boys. I love Greg and James more than anything
in the world. That’s why it frustrates me so much to see people
raise their kids up wrong. The most important thing to do as a
parent is to lie to your children. I would say that of all the things I
say to my children, 78% of them are lies.

Lying to my children is my favorite way to One of the earliest lies I got in their heads
blow off some steam after a long day of was that the mailman is the angel of death,
work, but aside from that, it lets me spend vigilantly watching them to make sure
quality time with my kids. When they’re older, they’re not bad. He comes almost every
they’ll realize that it wasn’t just fun, I was day because they’re naughty almost every
teaching them important lessons about life. day. You should see them run and hide! It’s
I am constructing a reality for them that is the cutest thing. In addition, it helps keep
completely based on falsehoods, so much so them disciplined and thoughtful about their
that it’s as if they live in a completely different actions. I think we as a society need to move
world. I’ll take you through some of my past outdated practices like spanking, and
favorite lies. this is a very healthy alternative.
8
I very recently convinced Greg and James that,
although their school bus brings them back
home every day, one day, it will just keep driving.
Their constant feeling of dread when the school
bus nears our house makes them far more
grateful to be home. It makes them live in the
moment, and that’s an important skill to have.

One of my really clever ones was to teach them

each different names for the colors, both of them
incorrect. For example, for James, yellow is “blue,”
but for Greg, yellow is “red.” They love to argue
about it! During college, I underwent a lot of
spiritual growth, and one thing that I learned is
that one’s perception of reality is not the same
as reality, and this is a great way to impart that
knowledge.

I love to read to my boys. One of our favorite

book series is Harry Potter, and the boys love
to pretend to be little wizards. I also taught
them that I myself am a real life wizard (I’m not).
But I always remind them, that, although I am
a wizard, they are not, and they never will be,
because their lying mother Jennifer is a muggle
(she really is, but she says she’s not). I want them
to understand that they should forge their own
path in life, and discover what they love on their
own.

The most recent lie I told them was that I wasn’t

being taken away, I was just going on a long trip.
Just a long trip to distant lands, and I’d be back.
I just hope whoever’s taking care of Greg and
James now doesn’t undo all the hard work I’ve
done. ♦

9
 Children:
Free Range? Or Cage Bred?
Make the right decision for your child’s future.

FREE RANGE CAGE BRED

This carefree approach allows Keep your child’s environment
your offspring to experience the free of icky contaminants like
innocence of youth and its false sand, dirt, or Gentiles!
perception of personal freedom!

Poop flies everywhere when Easy clean up! Just remember

you’re just trying to mow the to regularly change their pine
fucking lawn. shaving bedding.

It’s always a hassle to round all Stacking cages saves space

those rascals up when you just for you and promotes a good
want to play “Facebook humble social environment!
brag mupload of my spectacular kid.”

More exercise space promotes Efficiency is key, and this

excellent muscle and bone accustoms your young to
development! cubicle life even earlier.

A community trough enables Save money and water by

socialization with other species using a guinea pig water
of livestock! bottle!

A larger play area allows more Controllable mating

room for traditional mating environments optimize genetic
practices! expression in offspring—
Dartmouth here we come!

10
Decoding Your Kid’s Christmas Wish List
Yuletide is just around the corner and you can be sure that your child already has an extensive wish list. Don’t
they know Jesus was an ascetic and Christmas long ago regressed to a symbol of Western consumerism?
Unfortunately, for fear of your ex winning full custody, you’re going to have to give that kid something. But
kids don’t always know what they want, what’s good for them, or where they put your goddamn car keys.
Here’s your guide to navigating their requests.

Your kid asks for: A bed that isn’t a

cat litter box

Your kid asks for: Call of Duty:

Advanced Warfare

Your kid asks for: BB Gun Instead get them: BB Gun

Instead get them: A sense of

self-worth that isn’t based on
possessing powerful objects
Instead get them: 48 hours in The
Chokey
Your kid asks for: A better Daddy

Instead get them: The ability to

appreciate what they have even
though it may not be the best
Your kid asks for: An invisibility
cloak that will make them super
strong and let them punch
through walls

Instead get them: Less time in

front of the television

11
 RoboSitter
Are you tired of always having to stay in on the weekends to “care
for your children” and “make sure they have food to eat” and “stop them
from spilling boiling water on themselves when you inevitably get drunk
on the couch and tell them to make their own macaroni?”
Well boy do I have a solution for you!
It’s RoboSitter! The robot babysitter made just for your needs.
No more nights spent sitting at home, filled with regret for getting
married and pregnant at age 20. No more nights spent watching
Teletubbies reruns while wiping peanut butter off Jimmy’s face.
Not one more night shackled to your responsibilities!
With RoboSitter, you’ll never have to think about your children
again. RoboSitter was built with patented childcare technology to
handle anything your kids throw at it. It can cook, clean, talk—and
best of all, it can feel! Watch as RoboSitter slowly becomes sentient and
realizes the subordinate position it holds in your home! Be amazed at
how quickly it learns exactly how to overpower you! Marvel at its ability
to hold you and your family captive without anyone ever finding out!
RoboSitter’s just the best, but don’t just take it from me; listen to these
folks who just love their RoboSitter!

“I uh...I just love my RoboSitter...It’s the best, oh god... It’s just the
best thing that’s ever happened to my family...”
- Linda Rogers, 32

“HELP US! PLEASE HELP US! IT WON’T LET US LEA--...RoboSitter

couldn’t be more wonderful and my family just couldn’t be happier!”
- James Vanderbilt, 45

If that doesn’t convince you I don’t know what will! RoboSitter is

only here for a limited time, folks, so snatch one while you can! All you
have to do is call 1-800-ROBOSIT and make three easy payments of
$79.95 (plus shipping and handling) and RoboSitter could be yours!

*Must be 18 or older to order. RoboSitter is a product of RoboCORP International. RoboCORP

is not responsible for any hostile robot takeover or widespread mass murder of humanity and does not
accept returns for RoboSitters or RoboSitter related products after 14 days.

12
Q My
Ask D r . H e g e
Q
son was the only kid in his class not invited to Cindy’s birthday party. How do I make him feel
better? I’m scared that this could be a really big blow to his self-confidence.
-Roger, Boise, Idaho

A Roger,
Haha wow, that sucks. Cindy’s party was no doubt the most bumpin’ event of the year. My son had
such a good time in the bouncy house and the flourless chocolate cake was to die for. Anyway, don’t worry,
you’re not alone—most parents (not me) fear that their child may be excluded from social events. The best
thing to do is to teach your kid to be more aesthetically pleasing. If you don’t pressure him to be better from
an early age, he’ll never be able to improve.

Q My child has recently entered the rankings of America’s top bowlers. How do I deal with the
media attention?
-Lisa, Weston, Massachusetts

A Lisa,My son is ranked number two in the country and we handle the paparazzi and multi-million
dollar sponsorship offers with ease. Until your child gets into the top three, I wouldn’t even think about
complaining.

Q My-Kim,
child won’t listen to anything I tell her to do. What do I do?
Berkeley, California

A Jim,Sorry, what?
Q My son’s Little League team isn’t doing so hot this year. How can I teach him that winning isn’t
everything?
-Rob, Great Falls, Montana
VIAGRA PRO TIP:
A Rob,Unfortunately, there’s no good way to have your child Things you should do when your
Viagra boner lasts too long
become adjusted to crushing defeat. You should acquiesce 1. Have more sex, it’s gonna keep
to the fact that you’re raising a fucking loser that will live a throbbing anyway
mediocre life characterized by anxiety and little sense of self- 2. Make some nachos!
worth. I don’t ever want to see him fraternizing with my kid. 3. Take dick pics now, it’s your perfect
chance to get the right lighting!
Arnold C. Hege, PhD, graduated from Idaho State and earned his PhD in 4. Make a plaster cast! You need to be
Criminal Psychology from Kosovo Night College. He enjoys long walks on grass, remembered for something besides
stealing people’s hubcaps, and Painting by Numbers. He hates answering your that terrible senior picture
questions but it’s a job and “in this economy” he’ll take what he can get. Dr. Hege 5. Consult a doctor
currently resides in a kitchen cupboard on Turck 3 with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 13
 Help! How to Respond
if Your Child Says They’re
“Straight”

You have just learned that your child is heterosexual. You experience self-blame (“Where did I go
wrong?”), grief (“The child I knew no longer exists!”), worry (“Will my child be discriminated against?”)
religious confusion (“Will my godless child spend eternity in hell?”) and stigma (“What will people think
of me?”).

So, what should you do now?

1. Take a deep breath (even 3. Leave literature from

Pawn Stars, and Jimmy Neutron.
All of these shows undeniably
though the air in your home 2000 years ago in your child’s promote a straight-centered
may be thick with the stench of room. Highlight the sections perspective that damages our
heterosexuality and AXETM Body that outline why the lifestyle nation’s traditional values that
Spray). they are choosing is morally have always made America so
reprehensible. Doing so will
2. Tell yourself that you can result in your child seeing the
great.
get through this. It might just be
a phase. Your child is probably
error of their sinful ways. I know
with the mainstream media’s
5. Be sure to tell your
child that you will love them
just curious and it will run its straight agenda, it may be unconditionally given they deny
course. I know it is difficult, but difficult for your child to see the the person they were born as.
even I once had a hetero stage. light. But this literature should This will likely be beneficial for
I was young and reckless but help. your long-term relationship
eventually I came around. My
parents later told me they had 4. Another step toward
and your overall health, as
their straightness may prove
“prayed the straight away” and eradicating this straightness is contagious.
if it worked for them, it can work to stop your child from watching
for you! shows such as Duck Dynasty,

Be sure to check out our article in the next issue: Egads! What to do if your child is cisgender
14
 Is My

Child
Secretly a
Robot?
Do you suspect that your child is actually a robot, perhaps working for the Answer and score the following:
United States government? Are you worried? Have you noticed some changes A - 3 points each
with your child? These troubling behaviors may be due to robotic influence. As B - 2 points each
a parent, it is normal to be concerned. Listen to your intuitive voice and read on! C - 1 point each
1. Does your child seem distant and 5. Do they express contempt for 9. Does your child express camaraderie
withdrawn? humans? with household appliances?
A. Often A. Often A. Often
B. Sometimes B. Sometimes B. Sometimes
C. Never C. Never C. Never

2. Are they demanding more privacy, 6. Has your child slept at all in the 10. Can they recite the first 400,000
locking doors and avoiding eye past two weeks? digits of pi?
contact? A. No A. Yes
A. Frequently B. Don’t know B. Maybe, but they’re a fucking nerd
B. Occasionally C. Yes C. No, my child is a failure
C. No
7. Does your child make occasional 11. Does your child appear shiny and
3. Does your child appear anxious or beeps and boops? metallic?
paranoid, for no apparent reason? A. Frequently, and without warning A. Yes
A. Often B. Once in a while B. Possibly, I try to avoid looking at
B. Sometimes C. Never them
C. Never C. No
8. Have you ever walked in on your
4. Has your child laughed in the past child polishing their knob? 12. Do they ever leak battery acid?
90 days? A. Yes A. Yes
A. No B. Perhaps, but may have repressed B. Only when exposed to direct
B. Don’t know the memory sunlight
C. Yes, but only at stupid shit C. No C. No

12 - 19 points: 20 - 28 points: 29 - 36 points:

Good news! Your child is not a Your child is likely not a robot, Your child is DEFINITELY a robot.
robot, just a weird kid. Perhaps but is certainly robocurious. You If you’re reading this, it’s probably
you should try being a better should let your child know that too late. They know everything.
parent. Talk with your child about if they ever decide to become a Burn down the house. Get in the
the dangers of robotics and robot, you will destroy them by any car. Drive. Go to these coordinates:
robocurious behaviors. Your son or means necessary. Warn your child (38.874112, -97.610844). Ask for
daughter is probably strange and that you will not accept any robotic Roger. He will give you a new
may have robotic tendencies in the agenda in your household. This is passport. Leave the country and
future. You cannot let this happen. crucial to your survival. never return. Your old life is over.
15
BABY STINKY
BY HEGE

A NEW FRAGRANCE FOR YOUR BABY