[1]

fall.2011 volume 5.issue 1

A Comprehensive List of Names for Your Penis
With additional commentary by Mickey Avalon
“The Iceberg”
-Pros: The ability to say, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg, baby.”
-Cons: Icebergs are cold and uncomfortably pointy.

“Tiny”
-Pros: Ironic false advertising.
-Cons: Can add more disappointment to an already under-
whelming experience.

“(The) Great White”

-Pros: Sounds like a huge badass shark. Sharks are the kings of
the sea.
-Cons: What kind of person wants a shark inside them?
Wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to ethnocentric.

“Tiger”
-Pros: It sounds primal and aggressive. Great when used in
conjunction with a ribbed condom that creates the illusion that
your penis has stripes.
-Cons: Your partner may be a big fan of Frosted Flakes (Though
this could be dope). Tony the Tiger is generally pretty creepy.

“The American Dream”

-Pros: Works on a lot of levels (culturally, socially, politically). The chances
that you will get some on the 4th of July are very high.
-Cons: What kind of message are you sending if you think that the American
dream comes in the form of a great penis?

“The Ark” (Especially if your name is Noah)

-Pros: Brings about flood imagery. You can use the pick up line, “You know in
the Bible everyone who didn’t end up on Noah’s ark regretted it later.”
-Cons: Bible references are often very “unchill.”

“The Mona Lisa”

-Pros: Simple, elegant, and everyone is constantly trying to get a glimpse of it.
-Cons: The Da Vinci Code is one of the worst books in the history of literature. Fuck Dan Brown.

“The Big Easy”

-Pros: The “big” part.
-Cons: The “easy” part.

“The Shrine”
- Pros: You can claim that your penis is venerated by followers from across
the globe.
-Cons: It sounds like a name someone might give their vagina.

[2]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1

First-year sexy training a rousing success

Shaggy

Ka-splooge! A spinning, greasy circular shape flies across the room and whacks you across the face. Your “friend”
(douchebag neighbor) grins, points at you, says to his “friends” (people who tolerate him) “the look on his face when that
condom hit him in the eye!” “Priceless.”

Your “entire” floor (ok, some people) sits in a three-quarters circle around two sexy trainers sporting skimpy dresses and
quite visible black lace bras, and a model of a phallus that they’ve named Hernando or some shit. (You think at least they
could have thought of something more creative to name such a penis—like Scrawn Jeremy or Oscar Meyer Weiner or
Grover Clevecock or something.)

No one is excited for the event. People always won-

der if sitting in a Dupre lounge could be any shittier
of an experience. They now know… It can.

The sexy trainers proceed to ask you questions

about Mac students and their sexual tendencies.
What percentage of the Mac student body uses con-
doms regularly? Nobody guesses for a while. The
silence is painful. “10 percent,” you shout out. No
one laughs. But since you’re the only person that
guessed, they shower you with Hershey’s Kisses.
“Let me reward you for attempting to be funny! At
least you broke the silence.”

The “model” (dildo with slight wear and tear) is passed around. You wonder why there is not a diversity of penis mod-
els—this is Mac, after all. You’re told not to look as people put condoms on the fake penis. But how can you not? It’s too
funny. Out of the corner of your eye, you see the girl across the hall from you who never speaks open the packet with her
teeth. You do a double take—what perfect condom-putting-on form. Now you know who you will be “dancing with” (dry
humping) with at Kagin next weekend.

By the time it gets to you, there is so much lube on the damn thing and your hands that you can’t get the condom packet
open. You wipe the greasiness off on your pants, and open the packet. You are now as red as your “Consent is Mac” t-
shirt, and people have noticed that you’re taking an especially long time to put on the condom. How embarrassing. Kagin
girl laughs silently.

You’ve almost had an aneurism by the time they’ve explained to you (with visuals) how to use the “dental dam” (a glori-
fied sheet of plastic) and the …rubber glove?... and explained—in quite graphic terms—various STDs. No wait—STIs:
Sexually Transmitted Infections. (Why this is a necessary change is unbeknownst to all.)

That’s when your RA starts asking extremely awkward sex related questions: Can you get Chlamydia from bestiality?
How long does a rash need to last on your genitals before you should go to the Health and Wellness Center?

Excuse me? Enough. You leave the room, eyes itchy, head spinning.

The next morning, there is a note on your door. “Please report to 4th floor Sexy Training, as you did not finish ours.” Sin-
cerely, your RA. In the corner of the note you can make out the faint outline of a paw print.

[3]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1
Campus Security Incident Blotter
Sunday Student caught trying to
8:00AM-Campus Security bring out an extra piece of 11:31PM-Shit, that’s a lot
personnel alarm clock goes fruit. Tasered that MoFo. of alcohol. How the fuck
off with buzzer. Snooze did those guys get a keg?
button pressed twice, 3:05PM-Kicked that hairy
pillow rotated slightly. freshman again, just to be 11:37PM-What teh mprijofj
safe. dihslfk you wanna rkhlsf.
9:00AM-Responded to noise Cheessssssse.
complaint outside Turck Thursday
dormitory. First year stu- 11:45AM-Responded to Saturday
dent told to go the fuck report of suspicious 12:00PM-The light, the
back to sleep. person in library.Told light. Owwww, it burns.
international student that
1:40PM-Car parked in the US it is considered 1:30PM-Man observed puking
illegally on Macalester rude to stare at others. on Alumni house front door.
Street. Car towed to pawn Observer told to respect-
shop on University Ave. 12:00PM-Pagan ritual and fully fuck off.
animal sacrifice reported
Monday in Wallace dorm. Fuck, 4:00PM-President
8:27AM-Long line in Café that’s the other side of Brian Rosenberg is
Mac. Line cut. campus. reported trapped under
a giant marble statue of
8:34AM-Omelet. 12:02PM-Parties involved President Brian Rosenberg
can probably resolve their inside the new Janet
4:00PM-Armed robbery own problems. Wallace arts building.
reported in Kagin Commons.
Gunfire clearly audible. 5:00PM-Responded to 4:01PM-Laughter.
Campus Security walkie- disturbance on football
talkie turned off. field. Large crowd 4:15PM-New Facebook photo
gathering to watch rival album created.
Tuesday gangs fight over a leather
9:00AM-New Xbox arrives ball, likely filled with 4:30 PM Dug out President
via FedEx. cocaine. Fight broken up Brian Rosenberg from
with taser and crowd underneath giant statue of
Wednesday dispersed. President Brian Rosenberg.
10:00AM-Holyshit,I think I Told him he should have
just saw a bear.Oh shit Friday made a statue of Kofi
9:00PM-Responded to noise Annan instead.
10:03AM-Holy shit, holy complaint in library.
shit, holy shit. There’s Couple copulating in the
a bear on Shaw field. basement making too much
noise. Asked if I could
10:05AM-Nope, not a bear. join in. Male said no, but
Just a passed out, really Female seemed into it.
hairy freshman.
11:30PM-Broke up
10:06AM-Kicked hairy underage on-campus party.
freshman just to be safe. Iced four straight bros
and confiscated a large
12:20PM-Responded to volume of Smirnoff and Bud
disturbance in Café Mac. Light Lime.
Fall.2011 Volume5.Issue1

Dirk Nowitzki Drops Rap Album

[Jalen Rose]

From former Phoenix Suns player

Cedric Ceballos’s album “Nuff Ced” to Troy Hud-
son’s album “Undrafted” (released on his vaunted
record label–Nutty Boyz Entertainment) some
truly horrible rap albums have been released
by NBA players over the years, however
this is all set to change this November when
Dirk Nowitzki is set to release his debut album
“Ich bin ein Würzburger” roughly translated as (I
am the best basketball player ever) The album is
expected to be ground-breaking. It is projected to
be one of the best albums of 2011, the best ever
released by a European NBA player (Estonian
Martin Müürsepp’s album Get CrUUnk is a distant
second) The album is also projected to be The album is has an extremely wide range
the second best album ever released by an of themes. It starts out on a light note with the
NBA MVP (Shaquille O’Neal’s rap album song “One Legged Fade Away Jumper feat.
“Shaq Diesel” is widely accepted as the Flamboyant” pays homage to Dirk’s patented
gold standard for NBA MVP’s rap albums). basketball move. The album eventually touches
on the darker side of Dirk’s upbringing. One song
talks about the awkward experience of being
6’8’’ in 7th grade. Another song touches on the
Sample Verse:
brutal Eastside Westside beef that engulfed

Germany from 1945-1989. Although the album is
my name is dirk and this is my
almost free of personal attacks, the song “LBJ feat.
rap song.
Brian ‘The Janitor’ Cardinal” calls out Lebron James
I’m a two sport athlete: bball and ping
for his perceived lack of effort during the finals.
pong
I get a pass and the I put it in the hoop
Although the album has not been
I like to wear the shoes that have the
released people have not been shy about
swoop
speaking their minds about it. Charles Barkley
I like to win
(notably afro-centric in his rap taste) said
Maybe next year we’ll win again
“Its going to be turrible!” Although it is not
So I can have a fun time
known whether he was talking about Dirk’s rap
We me and all my friend
album or Hardees new low fat Thickburger. R&B
diva Rihanna is much more excited about Dirk’s
entrance into the hip hop world.”I am excited to
have a new person to collaborate with. Plus, even
if the album isn’t great it will still be better than
having to listen to that dumb bitch Katy Perry
sing about aliens and some other stupid shit.”

[Lemon]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1

Fast and Furious 6 to Focus

on Urban Horse Racing
By: Roger Ebert

Recently reported by E! Hollywood news and confirmed by producer/director Jayson Mel-

bourne, the 6th and final movie in the lucrative The Fast &The Furious franchise will focus on the
highly dangerous and increasingly high-profile underworld of urban horse racing.

The project, tentatively titled “Fast & Furious 6: Horse Power,” will bring back F&F staple
Vin Deisel as enigmatic bad boy Dominic Toretto, who, in the sixth installment, finds his license
suspended for drunk driving and must turn to high stakes urban horse racing to generate the
money for his subscription to Guns & Ammo magazine and to nurse an addiction to V-8 juice, his
personal favorite.

The movie will pair Deisel with ac-

tor Toby Maguire, famous for his roles as
spider man and, perhaps not coincidentally,
the jockey in the famous horse racing movie
Seabiscuit. Maguire will serve as the one-
time-dork-Toretto-cheated-off-in-science-
class-in-high-school turned urban-horse-
racing-expert that gains Toretto’s respect
after beating him in a horse race through
Time Square. Furthermore, Maguire will
purportedly show Deisel how to dangle a
carrot attached to a pole and string in front
of a horse’s face to generate maximum
speed. All this leading to a refreshing per-
spective on male camaraderie and the ho-
mosocial relationship that remains unpar-
alleled in other, stale Hollywood attempts
to portray male friendships.

[6]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1
In another unexpected twist, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, winner of Academy Award of best
actor for his role in the movie Capote, will be brought in as the villain, Toretto’s mailman who, out
of pure spite and resentment towards Toretto’s chiseled good looks, keeps burning Toretto’s re-
newal subscription forms for the aforementioned Guns & Ammo, much to the chagrin and puzzle-
ment of Toretto.

Lastly, Megan Fox was recently hired to play the role of leading romantic interest of Toret-
to, and her lines purportedly range from, “But what if you DON’T make it out alive” to “Don’t
scare me like that” accompanied with a playful slap to Toretto’s shoulder followed by an intense
session of unrestrained and steamy intercourse right there on the kitchen table, cause that’s the
way Dom Toretto fucking roles. Early reports indicate that in 70% of her scenes Fox is shirt-
less and relies on only well-placed strands of hair to hide her nipples. Several blogs have already
proclaimed Fox frontrunner for the Academy Award for either best female supporting actor or
for Maxim’s “hottest chick that somehow is still getting roles in movies outside of Transformers”
award.

Paul Walker has been relegated to soundboard. Extremely handsome, sinfully smooth
soundboard operator.

Although Paramount Pictures declined to comment on this article, director Melbourne

promises that that some of the highlights include, “Deisel leaping from his horses back onto the
horseback of police officer’s horse and snapping the police officer’s neck all in one move, Deisel
buying a bomb ass black stallion from Ludacris and getting mad vaginal action directly due to his
new shiny horse, and some sort of pseudo-erotica involving Deisel, Fox, A horse, and a distinct
high pitched whiny, though it’s unclear where the whiny originates.”

Summer 2012 just got a whole lot more promising.

[Labor Day]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1

Odd Future Comes to Mac

By Jim Hoppe

Earlier this week heralded the arrival of Macalester’s most recent celebrity transfer, the rap col-
lective entitled Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All. Although the group was questioned by many for
having neither academic qualifications nor any record of service to society, the admissions staff re-
plied “Have you even heard any of their mixtapes? Shit’s dope as hell.” Upon receiving his acceptance
letter at home in Los Angeles, front man Tyler the Creator is reported to have said only “Swag.”
While moving into a single in Dupre Hall—the only room available—on Monday, members
of the rap collective joined freshmen outside the dormitory to shoot craps and break beer bottle and
later stole the hubcaps from the their own tour bus. Their first lunch in Café Mac was marked by the
t-bagging of Harold and stern refusal to put away their backpacks. As the week went on, members of
the group spent time in between classes heavily participating in campus culture. Activities included
busting mad kickflips outside the Campus Center, tagging the sides of venerable Old Main, and spit-
ting flows with the African Music Ensemble. A Kagin dance
on Saturday night erupted in a mosh pit to the group’s
music—resulting in only about half the physical injuries
and emotional scarring of a typical “Office Hoes and CEOs”
Kagin event.
After the first week, the gang was asked about college life.
Several stated their interest in study abroad programs to Sa-
moa, explaining it by shouting “Free Earl” repeatedly. Tyler
the Creator had this to say about his plans for the rest of the
semester: “I look forward to pursuing an active involvement
in MPIRG and other channels for civic engagement.” He also
expressed excitement about declaring a major in Women’s,
Gender and Sexuality Studies.

Top Ten Things on Campus That Frighten First-Years

10. Walking from Dupre to Doty at 10:30 pm
9. Being caught taking an apple from Café Mac
8. RA’s knowing you’re drunk
7. Someone stealing your towel while you shower
6. People that didn’t sign the consent contract
5. Cops at Belfry/Dayton & Fry
4. People personally asking you to sign their damn club email list
3. Hearing your RA have sex
2. Inevitable cold weather
1. That dude with the stache and the sleeve tattoos

[8]
Fall.2011 Volume5.Issue1

Key:
1. Group of jocks waiting for a grind 6.Someone shit on the coats 13.Dance battle
piece (bro, you can’t just dance with 7. PF deciding what college to go to, 14. No one caring still
dudes.. what will people think..) Kagin is deciding factor 15.Sober kids…
2. The result of someone taking body- 8. Freshman girls making out for at 16.Hipsters complaining about the
shots off their RA tention mainstream light show: “honestly,
3.A gaggle of girls just tryna have a 9. No one caring neon lights? We did that shit two years
#gurlznightout ago”
10. Winner of power hour
4. Speaker humping 17.Pants
11.Sperm
5.Someone losing their virginity 18. Someone caught in the curtain
12. LARP battle
19.Terry Gorman dropping it low
fall.2011 volume5.issue1
Palin Abandons Presidential Race to Chase Other Black Guys
[Lisa Leslie]
After much
speculation over
whether or not
she would pursue
the republican
nomination Sar-
ah Palin recently
announced that
she would not
enter the presi-
dential race.
When asked
what she would
be doing in lieu
of a campaign
she responded
quite emphati-
cally, “I will
spend my time
doing what god
put me on this
earth to do…
finding, wooing
and having de- Bahama Mama??” “Also, with all the demands
praved nameless sex with as many NBA play- on my time, how will I be able to get with the
ers as possible. “ Palin’s true passion in life legendarily difficult to fuck Zydrunas
was revealed a few weeks ago when a story Ilgauskas?!”
broke saying that Palin had a one night stand
with former NBA player and then University Palin’s decision not to run has elicited
of Michigan basketball player Glen Rice. Al- mixed responses. Tea Party activist Rush
though Palin has declined to confirm or deny Drillbit offered this: “I am very disappointed
they claim, glenn Rice when asked about the that she is not running, especially for such a
incident responded with a sly “Yeah, I tapped loathsome reason… She should stop gallivant-
that.” ing with NBA players and learn to unwittingly
suck corporate dick like the rest of us.”
After being questioned further about
her reasons for not pursuing the GOP nomi- [Insert NBA lockout joke here.]
nation Sarah said, “I really just don’t see
how arguing with Rick Perry, Mitt Romney Bill Clinton doesn’t quite understand
and Michelle Bachmann for the right to lose her apprehension. He offers this: “I don’t
to Obama in 2012 will help me when I am try- know what she’s so worried about…I banged
ing to win the temporary affection of Sam like half of the WBNA during my second
Cassel.” Palin continues, “Campaigning doesn’t term alone.”
even pay, how am I supposed to afford to
buy Zach Randolph his drink of choice: the
[Dock]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1

Equivalence Point
(where shit gets crazy)

[11]
 Fall2011 Volume5.Issue1
Macalester College
Moves to Cuba
Perez Hilton
Last week after a meeting of heated discussion, the Macalester administration decided to move the college to a
new location in Cuba. The decision comes after a brutal winter that students described as “lasting longer than my
walk to Olin Rice in the snow but now quite as long as my three hour Geocinema class that followed”.

Brian “Pabst Blue Ribbon” Rosenberg stated, “Personally I was really tired of students bitching and complain-
ing about how cold it was. It seems that every time I saw two students who were slightly acquainted and were
attempting to make small talk, all they would do was complain about how cold it was”. Rosenberg himself had
his own gripes with the weather. He told reporters the weather prevented him from “getting his tan on” while
“pounding brews on the Kagin lawn” and playing bocce all to the soundtrack of the most recent Dave Matthews
Band Album (althought witnesses claim he is just listening to “Crash Into Me” on repeat).

Macalester’s new Caribbean location will be a major shift from the twin cities, but, according to the administra-
tion, will be surprisingly good fit. One Macalester board member stated, “Ya, I don’t know if you heard, but
Cuba is a foreign country. Now we are internationalist without even trying. In fact, we’re trying to get more kids
from Minnesota, spice things up a little down here.” Along with internationalism, there will be abundant oppor-
tunities to explore civic engagement, but absolutely no sustainability. Another board member added, “I am really
excited to become the fighting commies. It just seems like a much more relevant mascot compared to the fighting
Scotts.”

Macalester students should expect warmer weather in this new location, but also a variety of other changes to the
college. Students should anticipate losing many basic political freedoms, experience human rights violations, and
be monitored heavily by the government. Terry Gorman will be creating a secret police force known as the “Gaz-
pacho” that will crack down on student protest as well as complaining. In addition Cafe Mac will only be serving
Cuban Sandwiches. Terry told reporters, “If I here a little froshduster whining about how it is I will just tell him,
‘bitch do you know where you are?’ He’ll know what to do from there.”

[12]
Fall2011 Volume5.Issue1

Some things will stay the same. Dupre Hall will be flown to Cuba via helicopter. This is because “we
wanted to preserve the freshman experience and it’s hurricane proof ” said one administrator. Work
studies will also be still implemented, but students might find themselves working as bookies for chicken
fighting operations or being Fidel Castro’s personal pub trimmer. Also, Cuba does not have any squirrels,
but rather troves of hustlers that will roam campus selling students reggae albums at absolutely remarkable
prices.

The move has been controversial raising numerous questions. What will happen to Old Main? Is this the
Bay of Pigs all over again? Whatever does happen it can be concluded that Macalester has gone “interna-
tionalist as all heck.”

Macalester College, founded in 1874, is a national liberal arts college with a full-time enrollment of 1,985
students. Macalester is nationally recognized for its long-standing commitment to academic excellence,
internationalism, multiculturalism and civic engagement. In 2011 Macalester College moved to Cuba
and all hell broke loss.

[Finneaeaes]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1

Freshman Needs To Leave Her Dorm

(Benjamin Franklin)
In a shocking report the Daily Piper announced last week that Agnes Thurmrod
hasn’t left her room since school began a month ago. When recently questioned on how
she manages it, and why she gave the reply “Oh, you know. Facebook takes up a lot of
time when you are a serious user like I am. These plebeians don’t know what they are
doing.”
“Yes , I guess it’s like kinda creepy.” Her roommate Janet Fullbits commented,
“Like I wake up and she’s there, I get back from class she’s there. What’s worse is she
won’t even leave when me and Arnaldo have our ‘alone time’. She just sits there and
watches…never blinking…just staring.”
Agnes doesn’t see a reason for all the panic. “Yea I would leave if I wanted to, but I
really don’t need to. I made a lot of friends through Farmville. I got a lot of neighbors on
there, lots of people to help me harvest my corn and milk my cow if I’m tied down play-
ing Bejeweled. Also, people on this floor just understand my dark deep troubles like the
guys on my LiveJournal. I started using Skype too ever since I got that second computer
to connect with myself.”
According to reports, Agnes has thrown over fifty parties in her room so that Bon
Appetit would cater them, although she was the only person on the guest lists and decid-
ed not to even give herself a plus one. She has not been seen around campus much, even
walking between classes, but the rumors of a gremlin in the air ducts have started to
surface among the janitors at the school. Though Agnes hasn’t made much of an impres-
sion of herself there is a general consensus about her from her floormates.
“Who? I think you have the wrong floor, I’ve never heard of her.”

[14]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1

FRESHMAN GETS FULL NIGHT OF SLEEP

[trevor reznik]
Sources report that last Wednesday night, Dylan “The Next Tony Yayo” Snarkleton, first-year extraordinaire,
finished all of his homework for the next day, and decided to finally get his nine hours for the first time since his
arrival to 1600 Grand Ave. “I hadn’t gone to bed before 1 AM since before I got here! It was terrible, but now that
I’m rested I don’t feel sick any more!” comments Diligent. He apparently had tucked himself in and bid a good night
and a sleep tight to his jealous roommate by 11:15 PM, ready to awake at 8:45 sharp so he had ample time to get to
his 9:40 first-year course. “I can’t wait until I’m a senior and I can sleep all the time since they have like no classes
ever,” says
Snarkleton.
When we asked other first-years to weigh
in on the Snarkleton situation, we received mixed re-
sponses. “What?! That fucker—I was up until TWO
THIRTY doing my international studies essay, and I had
to get up at FOUR for my Bio-Chem-Psych Lab!” re-
sponded one first-year. “Only 9 hours? Dude I got ten the
other night without even trying. Mac’s so easy,” reacted
another.
Snarkleton, the sultan of sleep himself, was nice
enough to provide some tips on how to get on a good
routine. “Manage your time well. And eat healthy—don’t
forget about your Vitamin C! We don’t want a nasty cold
on our hands,” advises Diligent. “Be proactive with your
schoolwork – if you’re having to decide between studying
alone in your room and studying in the lounge with other people, you’re already in the wrong mindset. Don’t talk to
other people unless your work is done and there’s still time before lights out. Get your priorities straight – don’t be
afraid to go out with friends (on weekends), but if you have a lot of work to do, hit the books and go to bed early—I
find some of my best work is done pre-Saturday brunch after going to bed at 8:30 Friday.”
Diligent, however, had more to add: “It’s not all fun and games once you get on an optimal sleep cycle. Now
that I’m getting all the Z’s I need, it actually sucks because I no longer can complain about not getting enough sleep!
It’s torture. I’ll be sitting in Café Mac, ready to enjoy a wholesome meal, and then all my friends talk about is how
they didn’t get to sleep until 1:45. I feel like my need for sleep is causing me to not be able to complain with the rest
of my class. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
Here are some final tidbits from Diligent:

“Starting to feel like a little space cadet? Been sitting for just far too long?
Need a break but want to keep your mind stimulated?

• Keep yourself fueled and eat an apple!

• Straighten your roommate’s messy desk. He’ll appreciate it and your work
area will be more organized.
• Brush your teeth; gotta keep it fresh.
• Do a few Kegels. Loosen up those hips!”

Lastly, Snarkleton commented on his new, sleep-maximizing state of mind:

“Books, highlighters, a comfy bed, and some soft, smooth Barry White to set
the mood. That’s really all you need.”
[1]
fall.2011 volume 5.issue 1

Homework Helper
Dear, sweet atoms of the great Macalester molecule - allow me to introduce myself. To those
of you who know me already, no applause is necessary. For those who do not, my name is
Doctor Professor. Given the genius that I am, my time should be worth roughly two percent
of the US national debt for every minute I’m alive. However, since I do not earn anything
even approaching one millionth of that figure, I find it necessary to supplement my income by
answering your questions about things that you were too dense to figure out when your teacher
taught them to you in class. While it pains me to waste my time on such trifling matters, there is
nothing trifling about the salary that the Hegemonocle pays its writers. So now that you know
where I’m coming from, I encourage you to send me your questions, but God help you they had
better be good.

Doctor,
For my biology honors thesis, I’m trying to cross breed a hamster with a particularly deadly
variety of killer bees (in vitro, naturally). However none of the resulting ‘beesters’ have been
able to fly more than two meters before becoming exhausted and dying. Could you make any
recommendations for gene therapies I may try in order to create the army of killer beesters that I
want and deserve?
-Bees Knees

Beanie,
About the atrocities that you claim to have committed so unabash-
edly against nature, I can say just one thing: well done! Too often have
scientific pursuits been quashed by cries of “immoral” this, “ungodly”
that and “depraved lunatic” the other. I commend you on your back-
bone and your unwillingness to bend under the crushing pressure
of society. As for your query, I can’t think of anything off the top of
my head. Feel free to peruse my paper in January’s issue of Nature
magazine about the stingray-Steve Harvey hybrid I created last June.
Or stop by my office to get inspiration from one of my prized pet
pinecone-fish.
-Dr. Professor

Dear Professor,
In my American studies class, we have been talking about issues such
as race, gender, slavery…it’s all very depressing. I was just wondering if you could recommend a class to
me that would talk about current events like Lady Gaga and Ke$ha. That’s the America I want to study!
-Pop goes the culture

Pop…
…goes my patience. I, the great Dr. Professor – intellectual giant of my time, comparable to
Einstein and Newton in their own eras – do not work in the registrar’s office as you seem to
believe I do. I work in the realm of science! Just as I learned not to seek my scientific supplies
at the grocery store after they told me they don’t stock liquid nitrogen, so too should you learn
to take your queries to a more appropriate domain. That said, the Wikipedia pages on both of
the “events [sic]” you’ve listed lead me to the conclusion that a developmental psychology class
may be the most likely class to study them.
-Dr. Professor
fall.2011 volume 5.issue 1

Senator,
Why do we need another coal-burning power plant in Wayne County? We already make more
than enough electricity with the four we already have. We didn’t elect you to destroy all of our
state’s natural beauty. Save the trees, the animals, and your own integrity by cancelling the new
power plant before it is too late.
-Seeds of Compassion

Seedy,
Your concern is duly noted, but I firmly believe that you meant to send this letter to Senator
Doctor Professor (no relation) – the senator from Wyoming. I am the great doctor and professor,
whose name just happens to also be Doctor Professor. Yes, I did legally have my name changed
to this. And no, I’ve never regretted it.
-Dr. Doctor Professor

Kind Doctor,
I am having great difficulty mastering one of the pieces that we are playing in the Macalester
orchestra this year. I’m a mediocre violin player at best, but this piece calls for a professional.
Since you seem to know so much about so many things, could you meet up with me sometime
and help me work on some of the more complicated passages?
-Treble trouble

Tribble,
I’m a very busy man, but if you stop by this Thursday evening I can teach you what I know
about String Theory. I’m sure it will help.
-Dr. Professor

Benjamin Button
Fall.2011 volume5.issue1

Construction of New Art Building Delayed

“Until Hell Freezes Over”

Sad news for Macalester’s art community: construction on the new Janet Wallace Fine Arts
Center has been put on hiatus due to “budget difficulties.” Macalester College apparently overesti-
mated its financial resources for the 2012 fiscal year by a rather large margin and will have to cut the
renovation project out of its budget entirely. President Brian Rosenberg had this to say on the subject:
“Yeah we really dropped the ball on that one. But it was either that art thing or my new hot tub with
the massaging jets, so I chose the one that makes me feel all tingly.”

According to Macalester’s Budget Department, the budget was short of its quota by about
$75,000. Embezzlement has not been ruled out and the St. Paul Police Department issued a state-
ment yesterday saying, “It’s too early in the investigation to name names, but we did receive reports of
Former MCSG President Owen Truesdell crossing the Canadian border with a burlap sack over his
shoulder and a large grin on his face. He was also reportedly muttering to himself something along the
lines of ‘hehehe there was no surplus, bitches!’”

Until the investigation comes to an end, however, it looks as though Macalester College may
be left with an unfinished construction site in the middle of its campus. Several attempts by the school
to raise money have been met with limited success, including an all-vegan bake sale hosted by Bon Ap-
pétit. “We had a shit ton of croissants left over from last semester we tried to sell, but we just couldn’t
move them,” said one Café Mac employee.

Left with no other options, the college has

turned construction of the site into a new work-
study job. Effective next semester, door monitors,
shoe shiners, Leonard Center card-swipers, and
all other students who provide the most minimal
of labor in their work-study will continue winter
construction. So what will happen to the site in
the meantime? Well, as part of its community out-
reach programs, Macalester has decided to open
up access to the building as a playground and
gathering space for the neighborhood kids, which
makes it Macalester’s first literal “social con-
struct”. True to its purpose, the site has already
hosted many a game of sharks and minnows be-
tween the kids and the local homeless population.
President Brian Rosenberg had this to say on
the subject: “It feels great to have fostered such
a close-knit community. I’m really proud of what
we’ve accomplished here.”

Current state of the Janet Wallace Fine Arts Center.

fall.2011 volume5.issue1

How Macalester Students Spent Their Summer Vacation

graph compiled by the experts at jumpstart!college

[ :P ]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1

A BRIEF MEMORANDUM REGARDING MY NEWEST SINGLE

“HI HATERS”
-BY TOBIAS B HANESWORTH
Hi Haters! (I see you (you think I don’t, but, Weezy- you short, but I see you.
of course I do (It’s not that I actually see you, but Grandma- call me back bitch
more of I C U(Like I can see right through you (yes, The Eight Billion people who aren’t on my myspace
I mean you MaRiJuAnA~iNhAlEr57, stop leav- page
ing such unconstructive comments on my youtube Book of Faces—for reducing my myspace fans by
page!!!!!!!!))))) Anyways, I digress. 34% (I tried to make an account but couldn’t figure
it out)
Now, y’all know I just dropped my newest The Egyptian Public (Why you mad tho?)
single on my Myspace page, (www.myspace/Chit- People with tinted shade
tyChittyGangBang/NewMusicYallProductions/ United Arab Emirates—(I bet you thought I couldn’t
TobyBWorth-it). Toby B Worth-it is my rap name, see you (cause you small (but I can (cause you ha-
but if you couldn’t tell then just fucking give up. tin’ (and you mad tho))))
New Music Y’all is the label and Chitty Chitty Gang NAACP—for not giving me insert whatever award
Bang is just a little something I threw in for the you want here cause I should have swept that shit.
ladies, ya dig? Hahahahahahah. Mississippi
Clocks
Any-mother-fucking-ways, Gary Busy (why you mad tho?)
the single is Hi Haters! Cause
I’m saying hi to the haters, ya For those who forgot, here is my Mys-
dig? It’s not really like a whats- pace page. (www.myspace/IndianaJonesT-
up-grammy-something-smells- empleofPoon /NewMusicYallProductions/
good-what’s-in-the--stove hi but TobyBWorth-it). That Indiana Jones and
more of a I SEE YOU DON’T The Temple of Poon is just there for the
THINK I DON’T hi. The prob- ladies, ya dig? Hahahahaha. Anywho, I
lem is that haters be sprouting up dropped like three albums I recorded right
everywhere and the more love here in my living room/kitchen/record-
and respect you get the more hat- ing studio and I sent them to all the record
ers come right back at you. For labels but my hand writing is real sloppy
example, I get like 17 plays on so they probably didn’t get them. So I sent
my Myspace page last week and them again but my mailman is always
all of a sudden some dude named buggin and hating and stealing my rhymes
SlutDevilTits drops a comment like, “this is just you so he probably snatched those up. Then I sent them
talking over the beat to ‘Gold Diggers’”. First of all, again but I forgot the return address so its whatever.
I’ve never heard of that song, so get on my fucking I don’t need a label. I’m gonna do a drake and blow
level. Secondly, so what if it is, that’s called recy- up before I get one.
cling? Third, that’s just what my flow sounds like,
me talking. Whatever. Fourthly, get on my fucking “Don’t give up. Don’t ever never give up.
level. Sometimes you wake up, look in the mirror,
and think, Ok world, its time to get off my
Geez all these haters get me tired and shit. Let’s back and onto my nuts.”
do roll call. -Me
HI HATERS:
Kanye-I see you
Drake-I see you [$]
fall.2011 volume5.issue1
PAUSE:

Things I just did in the last fifteen minutes:

Drank like 5 four lokos.
Made love to your girl
Vomited up like 5 four lokos.
Tivoed One Tree Hill
Google Imaged “Left butt cheeks” and did what you might be thinking I did….put the best one as my
wallpaper.
Dropped another single (remix to Hi Haters!)
Made love your girl
Walked the dog (Yeah, even I walk dogs)
Read some Dickens
Made love to your girl

Let’s talk about Youtube. First of all, obligatory fuck you to Vevo, cause when they pick up my mu-
sic videos they gonna censor that shit and everybody and their mammas know that that can’t happen.

Let’s talk about Sarah Jessica Parker, or more specifically, Carrie Bradshaw, her character in Sex and
the City. Wouldn’t it be cool if Carrie was real and her column in the New York Star was real and I could
just like bump into her on the sidewalk and be like holy shit its Carrie Bradshaw who writes for the
New York Star I love your column I’m an avid reader do you watch Sex and the City (only this would
be an accident and by referencing the TV show that existed in another universe I would accidently open
a space time continuum and Carrie and Sarah would switch but then I couldn’t watch Sex in the City
anymore so never mind I don’t want this anymore.)

Let’s talk about Haters. They’re always so mad. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Sorry this Carrie Bradshaw/
Sarah Jessica Parker thing got me all messed up. I’m out.

[456]
fall 2011
volume 5. issue 1
NUDITY: An Exposé
[anthony weiner]
The Macalester community has been shocked ers… They were all naked at some point in
recently by what can only be described as an their lives,” said Dr. Jean Genie, Professor Emeritus
outbreak of nature all across campus. The number of of Public Anatomy at the U. “If you’ve ever
Mac students who just can’t seem to keep found yourself disrobed, even one time in the pri-
their pants on has more than tripled since last fall vacy of your own home, you should seek
semester. This reporter has risked life, limb professional help immediately. Otherwise you may
and lingerie to get you the skinny on this sudden as well turn yourself in to the proper
surge of skin. authorities for the crimes that you will no doubt
“I’m not going to dress this up at all – it’s an commit in the near future.”
ugly thing,” warned Director of In According to some students the problem on
Vestments, Ms. Bea Fabulous. “It’s the freshman, campus is getting more severe. “I was totally
mainly. They’re experiencing a whole new gonna’ bang this bangin’ babe,” claimed Chad
level of freedom in their lives that they have chosen Hunter ‘13, a self-proclaimed bro. “Suddenly she
to express in their clothing choices. Or lack took off all her clothes right in front of me, then
thereof.” made me take off mine! I was so shocked, I
I asked one sophomore, Phileas Fidge-Fudge couldn’t fight back. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.”
’14, about his views on the recent streak of Most shocking of all, however, are the in-
streaking. “It’s an absolute atrocity,” claimed Fidge- creasing reports of accidental self-nudity. “I was
Fudge. “I mean, I saw, like, twelve naked in the shower, minding my own business and just
dudes in the locker room at the Leonard Center. It’s a scrubbing myself, when I looked down and
stark reminder that we can’t turn our backs saw that I wasn’t wearing anything at all” detailed
on nudity for a moment, lest it sneak up behind us in one student who preferred to remain
the showers.” nameless. “I was so shocked! But the real kicker –
Fidge-Fudge’s story of locker room lewdness when I thought back to previous showers, I
has been confirmed independently on had the distinct feeling that they may all have been
several counts, with some witnesses claiming to have conducted au naturel as well.” She
seen upwards of seventeen naked men in added, “does that mean I’m a bad person?”
the gym’s locker room. However not all incidents Despite the seemingly endless barrage of bare
have occurred on such a large scale. Many bodies, Ms. Fabulous is hopeful that we
isolated reports of student nudity – referred to by will soon see a decrease in the current profusion of
some as ‘studity’ – have been revealed in porn. “Everyone has to watch their own back.”
various corners of campus. Just remember: nudity is always following you, lurk-
“So I was just taking a leak in a bathroom in ing no further away than just under your
Olin-Rice, right? And this guy comes up clothes.”
beside me and unzips his fly!” gushed Rob Rubbles
’12. “I was taken completely off-guard. I
may have to go back to exclusively using the toilets
in the stalls, if only for the sake of a little
decency from my fellow peers.”
Some skeptics claim that all of this is a natural
part of students exploring themselves and
their environment while they build their adult per-
sonalities in college. However, the raw facts
tell a very different tale. A recent study conducted
by the University of Minnesota shows
unequivocally that all manner of crooks and crimi-
nals have had one thing in common – nudity.
“All rapists, murderers, arsonists and adulter-
Fall.2011 volume5.issue1
Penis Size: An Exhausting Study
How big your penis is

How big your penis is

How big your penis is

SCARY!
11 Bowls per
day

Frequency of unprotected How much oatmeal you eat

fencing (Olympic or
otherwise) How much I want to see
your penis
How big your penis is

How big your penis is

How big your penis is

“Moderately
Huge”

Your chances of dating How big you say your How much you talk about
Megan Fox penis is your dick

Pauly D
How big your penis is

How big your penis is

How big your penis is

How much Charles The number of letters in Usage of hair gel

Dickens you read your last name
*Research compiled by Stanford University
over the fall break weekend of 1984
fall.2011 volume5.issue1

Macalester Challenges Hetero-normative Role, Men

Use Ellipticals [clay steinman]
Upon the opening of the Leonard Center One observer of the recent phenomenon
in 2008, the vision of the building focused on comment, “it is unclear whether Macalester men
transforming the extraordinarily lanky, emaci- are so weak that they can’t handle the treadmill
ated, boney, toothpick-limbed, waif like male or if they truly believe that they look athletic as a
student body into prodigious weightlifting, whey hunchback. Whether deliberate or not, these men
drinking, muscle shirt wearing machines. This are calling into question ossified gym gender
campaign championed by Kim Chandler’s desire roles.”
to establish a true “scot nation” has undoubt-
edly failed (just ask Princeton Review, any PF, When the Hegemonicle attempted to
or current student). After the demise of the initial get statements from some of the revolutionaries
mission and ubiquitous uncertainty about the themselves, each replied along the lines of “dude,
future of the 175,000 square foot athletic com- can’t you see I’m working out here?!” This was
plex, a developing transformation within the LC surprising for our reports to hear since from the
has captured the attention of nation. What many looks of it, there was little cardio, sweating, el-
are calling nothing short of a gender revolution, evated hear rate or physical activity taking place.
the increased number of men using the elliptical
machines has been cited as the newest form of Macalester club “Mac Reclaims Mascu-
challenging gender heteronormativity. linity,” otherwise known as MR. M, has attempt-
ed to take credit for this recent development.
While elliptical machines are made Contrary to MR. M’s statements, no elliptical
specifically for college women hoping to not uses have indicated any type of affiliation, or
raise their heart rate, avoid gaining any muscle, knowledge of existence of said organization.
while simultaneously burning “like I don’t know,
maybe like a thousand calories” (Emma, Saint
Thomas, freshman), the increased use by the
male population has made us all question, “are
these machines sexist.” A nation wide survey
found that throughout America the distribution of
elliptical users is as follows:

Anorexic Women: ages 18 - 34 56%

Pregnant Women (limited in allowed physical 32%
activity)
Macalester College Male Student Body 3.9999%
Entire Male Population .001%

Go to
Page 1