The Hegemonocle Spring 2013

Volume 8. Issue 2
The Macalester Hegemonocle
Volume 8, Issue 2
Spring 2013

Michelle Einstein Joe Evers

Simon Garfunkel

Jonathan Gershberg Alex Juffer

Big Idiot (emeritus) Bigger Idiot (emeritus)

Joey Frankl Mackey Borg

Joe Frankl Comma Placer

Lydia Karlson Ross Boehme

$orceress Token Hawaiian Guy

Pat Leppink-Shands Jinath Tasnim

Pre-Pubescent Cardboard Corrugator

Henry Fremont Megan Schwartz

Henry Freemoan MVP

Liam Downs - Tepper Coat Rack

Mail Snwod-Reppet Lord Our Savior

Sarah Knispel Tom Wakin

Masthead Enthusiast Father of Six

Audrey Kohout Andrew Shirley

Waxman CPA

Tyler Krentz Phineas Rueckert

Derpetrator Chuckie Phinster
 Table of Contents A Letter From the Editors
Page 1 The table of contents, duh Dear World,

Page 5 Tarot Cards on the rest of the Magazine As the new editors of the Hegemonocle, we know that this position comes with tremendous power. We plan to
use this power for good. As such, these are the changes we will be making:
Page 9 Pregnancy test: Just pee on the page, if • Water fountains will dispense spray cheese instead of water
it turns blue you’re pregnant • My Uncle Todd will find a girlfriend
• Fewer paper cuts
Page 11 Try not to laugh too hard, it’s FUNNY! • As per tradition, we will be keeping up the puppet regime of the Mac Weekly
• Gay marriage will be legal for straight people
• Springtime all year long
• Our picture (see below) will be on the twenty-dollar bill
Page 15 Some real hard hitting journalism on • All freshman will be allotted one friend at the beginning of the year
the ultimate eco-clamshell Page 15 • Hegemonocle distribution will be celebrated with one day off of classes
• Jeans are required in the weight room
• Justin Beiber will follow the Hegemonocle on Twitter, but we will not follow him
• More emergency preparedness
• That kid in the library will stop crying
Page 17 The definitive list of what you can and
cannot recycle We hope you enjoy our magazine. Good tidings to you and your family.

Page 25 Free eco-clamshell Love,

Joe Evers and Michelle Einstein
Page ∞ The “Doomsday Joke”

Laughter is the best medicine

Page 52 & ¾ Photoalbum: The hottest celebs reading
The Hege.

Page 2013 A strong earnest reflecton on what

we’ve seen and what lies in store for us
in the rest of the calendar year

Hegemons on
Hegebatical

Justine “We can’t go on with-

out you” Decker

Sarah “No, seriously, we need

you back” Haight
This is the one photo we have together on Facebook from our intermural soccer team freshman
Jacob “Coat rack misses you” year. We haven’t spoken since. Now we are editors of the Hege.
Waxman
spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2

Vision-impaired man makes faces at a children’s doll

for over half an hour
r d This Spring:
v e r h e a Rosedale Mall, MN
Hav en’t O
10 Things I A well-intentioned middle-aged man has been contorting his facial features in “goofy ways” for over 35
1. Big K.R.I.T... is he the bassist from that band Dashboard Confessional? minutes now, sources confirm. In what would otherwise be the sweetest of moments, the poor soul has
apparently mistaken a young girl’s baby doll for a small infant. Bystanders fresh from the scene explain
2. When does “This is 40” come out on blu-ray? they hadn’t the heart to break it to the man, who “just kept trying to make the doll laugh. You could tell
3. Call me crazy, but I think Macalester might make some waves in this whole March he found it harder and harder to come up with new faces. He would furrow his brow and step back for a
Madness business before it’s said and done. moment to re-evaluate his routine.”

4. Hey, where’d all those tight jeans from winter go? They looked so comfortable and perfect One young woman explained, “At first, I thought it was a cute joke, you know, like sometimes old people
for those cold, shrunken marbles you call balls. make. After a while, though, I realized the man actually had no idea he was talking to an inanimate object.”
5. Um, yeah I have a summer job. Sure it pays well. I’m organizing my dad’s vinyl At press time, the doll’s owner and her mother anxiously debate whether to approach the pitiable figure, or
collection for 4.50$ an hour. simply leave the doll behind.

6. Just when I was starting to like Plums the summer comes along! Blerggh
7. Party at the Ecohouse, biodegradable red cups only brah brah.
8. You can’t wear pastels after Easter, can you?
9. What’s up with all these St. Thomas guys and their fedoras?
10. I’m proud of you, son. Legend:
10 Things I Seniors
Have Over
heard This First years
Spring:
*BAC = Blood Alcohol Content
1. Cafe Mac gets better every day. There’s just something about eating in the exact
same place three times a day for fifteen straight weeks that I can’t get enough of.
2. I have a wedgie.
3. I’m sooo over homework lol ya know? Just, like, I’m done, not gonna do anymore,
just don’t even give it to me haha. I’m just so over it, ya know?
4. Beet season is just around the corner!
5. There is a party at an athlete’s house and I will proceed to drink twelve beers and
stumble there with my friends to drink more and stand in the basement and pee in the
corner and talk to a few people that I don’t actually like and make out with a girl/boy/ How to be an asshole when playing King’s Cup
house plant before stumbling back home and peeing in my bed. 1. Meticulously point out when anyone doesn’t drink, yet hide your own lack of consumption without
6. The hegemony, oh god, the hegemony. scruples
2. Category: Names of pets you’ve had
7. Ehh suns out, I’ll just stay in and wait til winter. Wouldn’t want to get sun burn. 3. During a waterfall, pretend to drink for thirty seconds
8. Yeah I’ve been hitting the gym baby, its bike season dummy. 4. Everyone’s drinking Hamm’s, but you pour your jungle juice into the cup anyway, you sick fuck
5. Punch someone in the face— nothing to do with the game, just an asshole move.
9. Doorknob! 6. Make the rule that Billy isn’t allowed to use the bathroom. Gee, Billy, you look like you’re just about to
10. Big K.R.I.T... is he the bassist from that band 2 Chainz? burst. How does that feel, Billy?
spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2

Café Mac’s “Pizza Pringles® Pizza” Draws Mixed Reviews

Last Tuesday the Café Mac pizza station cemented their experimental reputation
with their latest dish: Pizza Pringles® pizza. In a move equally loathed and loved, the chefs
at Café Mac simply threw a ton of Pringles on cheese pizzas fresh from the oven. One chef
revealed, “the key is not to add the Pringles until last. If you bake them with the pizza, they
blacken and char— not exactly the kind of Pringles you want on your pizza!”

Student reaction to the pizza varied wildly, as half praised the meal
and half condemned it. One student, James Inamorato ‘15, loved the
“zest with the crunch” the pizza brought to the table, while Natalie
Boyrd ‘13 complained, “I usually eat a whole can of Pringles, but sev-
en pizzas? It was too much.” Despite the mixed reactions, however,
Macalester College saw a 150% increase in meal ticket sales by the
end of lunch period and received six positive reviews on Yelp.

When asked if this recipe was the latest in a recent string of “puerile
concoctions” (recall last week’s Pizza Lunchables pizza), the chefs
replied, “actually, we just ran out of toppings and didn’t have time to
get more, so we borrowed 78 cans of Pringles from Terry Gorman’s
Monday morning stash.” However, even with the resulting controversy among the student
body, our sources reveal this meal will stay on the menu. “We like to stir things up,” the
chefs explained.

Top 10 burning questions left unanswered of all time list Alternatives to fossil fuels
1. Where do all my socks go? 1. coal
More Upcoming Specialty Pizzas: 2. 2chainz: real artist or elaborate troll? 2. old nuclear power generators
3. Was Russell Crowe dead the whole time? 3. holy scripture
o Grilled Cheese pizza – with Bell Peppers & Caramelized Onions (May. 1st) 4. Can I unsubscribe from the Daily Piper? 4. american flags
5. Which Just for Men product does Brian Rosenberg use? 5. disassembled solar cells
o Bacon Burger pizza – with Fruit Roll-Up Strips & Arugula (May. 3rd) 6. Bellybuttons? 6. most recent copy of mac weekly
7. What happened in Applied Calculus? 7. post south-station farts
o Gushers Stuffed-Crust pizza (May. 4th) 8. Is something burning? 8. windmill
9. Does Hamms exist outside the Macalester campus? 9. petrified fuels
o Bertolli’s Tomato Sauce on an Oatnut, Marble Rye, Multi-grain Blend (May. 6th) 10. What happens in Markim Hall? 10. semen in a dupre 4 shower

o Sour Cream and Onion Pringles® pizza (May 9th)

o Chocolate Gold Coins pizza – with Granola & Artichoke hearts (May 10th)

o Peanut Butter & Jelly Uncrustables pizza (May 12th)

*Remove foil before consumption

spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2
I’m telling you, Hey man,
Macalester Hegemonocle Census Stats Spring Survey Do you support the group KWOC (Kick
the Macarena is definitely back. I bet if you put that Frisbee on your
PLEASE TAKE IT ITS ONLY 2 MINUTES AND IM Wells Fargo Off Campus)?
TAKING THIS CLASS PASS FAIL a. yes, because i’m annoying and don’t actu- dick, it’ll look like a tiny worm
ally understand Macalester’s already limited wearing a huge sombrero.
What is your major? relationship with Wells Fargo
a. Formal Sciences (e.g. Math, Computers, Numbers) b. no
b. Natural Sciences (Biology, Animals, Plants)
c. Social Sciences (Poli Sci, Sociology, Psych) Would you?
d. Humanities (Languages, History, Unemployment, Stu-
dent Debt, Depression) The third floor of the library is a great
e. Arts (Music, Coloring, Crafts) place...

How many toes do you have? ...to pee!

a. 0-4 Time to snapchat your
b. 5-8 Great Aunt Eileen!
c. 9-12
d. more than 12

IF ALCOHOL
e. less than 0

Have you seen my salad spinner? Some asshat stole it Hi buddi,

a. yes Run through Doty 5

COULD TALK...
b. no naked, then vomit.
a. yes
If you answered yes to the previous question, did you
fucking take my salad spinner? Honestly, if a tree falls in a forest, cut down
a. yes because of deforestation, do you actually do
b. no anything about it?
a. no Trust me, if you hump that
If you answered yes to the previous question, FUCK YOU b. Yes, apathy is the glove into which the devil speaker, it’ll play “Baby Got
a. What is wrong with you? slips his hand Back.” You’ll be in the lime
b. Who do you think you are? light!
c. I mean SERIOUSLY WHO STEALS A FUCKING SAL- What you know about that?
AD SPINNER a. what you know about that
d. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE SALAD YOU b. what you know about that Hey girl, if you close your eyes and grope that
SICK FUCK c. what you know about that guy’s butt, maybe he’ll think you’re blind.
e. THIS ROMAINE ISN’T GONNA TOSS ITSELF d. i know all about that
DICKWAD
f. I WILL FIND YOU Masturbation?
a. MWF 10:50-11:50 Let’s go shoot some
b. TR 1:20-2:50 racoons.

Please be careful.

This is my salad spinner, which I am missing.

spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2
Stew Ondeck
1445 Elm Street/8-675-3909/America/musicfamilyn’[email protected]
Students earns searching for internship EDUCATION
Internship University of College, America Expected Graduation: May 2015
Major: Humanities Minor: Soft Science GPA 3.46/4.0
Monica Lewinsky Relevant Course Work: Introduction to Writing, Research Forum, Public Speaking

Center for Abroad Studies, Europe Fall 2013

Last weekend, Sophomore Stew Ondeck was awarded the searching for internship internship. The prestigious position is awarded Course Work: History of Europe, European Art History, European Economic History
every spring to a sophomore, junior or senior that has shown their ability to search for internships. “We were looking for a certain
individual,” says the Internship Representative from the organization company “one with a unique combination of skills and experi- Unique Combination of Skills and Experience (Part 1)
ence. It turns out Stew was the perfect candidate.” Humanities Department, University Town, America Summer 2012
Assistant to Department Coordinator
Stew, or Stewy as his pals call him, is a Humanities major with a soft science minor. His devotion to finding an internship that never • Systematically retrieved coffee for various faculty and staff
quite fits his long-term career goals is unprecedented. His roommate even told us, “Stew logs a lot of time on Career Connection. • Acquired fundamental techniques of stapling paper
He even made a Linkdin.com account. I’m glad he has earned a position that reflects his body of work.” • Catalogued and extensively described paper clips

Relevant Records, Hip Neighborhood, Trending City Summer 2011

Friends and family say that Stew’s passion for searching for internships started early in his college career. Some described his Employee
search as “obsessive” or “getting in the way of barbeques.” However, on Saturday his hard work finally paid off. • Sorted thousands of Meatloaf and Peter Gabriel records
• Found Elusive Summer Love
Stew’s intermediate level of Spanish, comfort using Microsoft office, as well as his work as a camp counselor in high school were
all significant parts of making his applica- Day Camps Summers 2008-2011
tion look attractive and competitive. “His Counselor
interpersonal skills are excellent,” Said • Served Lemonade and Saltines in sometimes challenging and chaotic environment
another Human resources representative, • Looked after a group of first graders providing excellent supervision
“We just don’t get many applicant who are • Facilitated popsicle distribution
able to interact with other human beings.
It’s really rare.” A representative also cited Activities
Stew’s three hours of volunteering at a Service Club, Junior President 2011-Present
local middle school as a reason for making Intramural Soccer, Most Improved 2011-Present
him a truly excellent candidate. College Publication, Writer 2011 Present
Community Center, Tutor 2010-2011
“I was happy, but quite frazzled,” says On-
deck about the moment when he was noti- Unique Combination of Experience and SKILLS (Part 2)
fied, “yet I knew when I applied, my unique Computer Skills: Fluent in Computer, Proficient in Facebook, Comfortable with Microsoft Office
combination of skills and experience were Language Skills: Intermediate Spanish, Beginning Hebrew, Reads New York Times
the right fit.” General Skills: Attention to Detail. Ability to feed. Can operate a motor vehicle.
People Skills: Talk and Interact
Stew’s internship begins tomorrow and is unpaid. The internship will improve his communication and writing skills as well as his
ability to work independently. Ultimately, the Internship will help him hone his skills for searching for internships later in life. Hobbies and Interests
Music: Going to Concerts. Listening with friends. Favorite bands include Radiohead, the Beatles and the Killers,
Owner of Mp3 player.
Family: Enjoy spending time with them. Having barbeques with grilled meats and vegetables
Friends: Enjoy just hanging out or in structured activities such as capture the flag and movie night
spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2
MCSG Gets Dat MPIRG $
COME ON DOWN TO

THE LOCH
In a stunning turn of events, almost the entire Macalester student body this past fall chose to opt out of
their $8 directly to MPIRG part of their student activities fee, choosing rather to give that money to the entire
student activities fund. In a show of thanks, MCSG purchased a bouncy castle and bouncy obstacle course.
Both are housed in Markim Hall, the tall, architecture-y building next to Kagin. The bouncy castle and obsta-
cle course were the first additions to the otherwise empty Markim Hall, leading students to now actually have
a reason to go there. Since this new development, student moral has skyrocketed, depression rates have sig-
nificantly decreased, and MPIRG has complained about a lot less things. Students use the bouncy castle and
obstacle course all the time, simultaneously having lots of fun and getting healthy exercise. BEFORE IT’S TOO LAKE.
“I like having a bouncing castle, but what I like more is that when I wanna go to lunch, or check my
SPO, or enjoy a nice relaxing evening in my dorm room or home without some activist knocking on my door,

10%
MPIRG doesnt harass me. It’s a very nice change of pace,” said Junior Delilah Roberts, in a sentiment echoed by R
T GO OD FO
everyone on campus.
RECEIP IT WILL BE LOCHS

20%
On the other hand, there has been an insignificant amount of criticism of these new amazing purchases.
“You should think before you use the new bouncy castle. These bouncy castle companies are backed by Wells OF FUN FOR YOU
Fargo. Have you heard about KWOC? President Brian Rosenberg blah blah blah contract” complained some- OF EAR
NINGS
body.
CHER. AND YOUR FRIENDS! TO LOC DONAT
T LO ED
HE FOO HS OF
With the school year nearing its close, MSCG has proposed a vote for what to spend the MPIRG money
T LOVE.
on next year: OFF AT
• More bouncy castles
• free ice cream every Friday
• Free ice cream every day Drinks:
• 2 Chainz springfest 2014
• Fixing Dupre Goldilochs and the Three Beers (5 pounds) —This fun-sized drink platter is perfect for a few friends
• Another ice rink looking to get loched-in and ready for Kagin, or EnviroThursdaze, or the robot-themed KWOC pro-
• Dennis Rodman as new basketball coach gressive.
• better spring weather
• KWOC.. lolz jk Whole Lochsa Love (10 Frankls) — Served with your choice of hard or soft drugs, for when you
really need to get the Led out.

Lochs in Translation (1,000,000 Yen) — Inspired by Bill Murray, this bland, overpriced whisky cock-
tail will make you feel like you (yes, you!) could co-star with Scarlett Johanssen in an Academy Award
winning film about absolutely nothing.

Scots on the Rocks (1 goat or 2 cows) — A Scot Ball favorite.

Food:
Loch Ness Meunster (3 Blarney Stones) — An appetizer that’s sure to keep you on the edge of your
fishing boat. So good it’s unreal!

Lochburger (14 FlexPoints) — Certified fair trade. Celiac Friendly. Vegan. Served with a side of Mon-
ster Mashed Potatoes or Lochweed Salad.

Nessie Frittata (150,000 Bitcoins) — A spunky, promiscuous unfolded omelet containing chopped
vegetables and meats, inspired by Canadian pop singer Nelly Furtado. “You know what I want and I
got what you need.”
spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2

North and South Dakota Postpone Union

In Support of Same-Sex Marriage The Hegemonocle’s Inspirational
- Dan Brown
Quotes
This week, North and South Dakota shocked the nation with the statement that they
have long wanted to merge into one state, but have been holding back in an act of soli- “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog”
darity for the LGBT community. -Michael Vick

As South Dakota put it, “of course, we are all aware that our two states are basically “I came, I saw, I conquered”- Ron Jeremy
the same. We’ve been planning to come together as one legally recognized entity for
some time now, but feel we cannot go forward with this act of marriage until all Ameri- “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”
cans are able to wed equally under the law.” -Subject line of most recent MPIRG email

The spokesperson went on, explaining, “Truthfully, ever since we each voted to con- “Get thee to a nunnery”- Pope Benedict
stitutionally ban same-sex marriage we’ve had the sinking feeling that we’d in effect
committed a heinous social injustice in our efforts to undermine human equality under “We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal”
the law. After a while, it really got to us.” Another official concurred, noting, “I guess you -Ditto the Pokémon
could say we realized we were being huge dicks.”
“The Beatles are bigger than Jesus”- God
The announcement met with a large degree of backlash from the opposition. Rick San-
torum voiced concerns of a slippery slope, saying, “what next, West Virginia and Vir- “Be the change you wish to see in the world”- Copper Abraham Lincoln
ginia? North and South Carolina? If we let these two take the plunge it’s only a matter
of time until the rest follow and we have no cardinal directions left.” Others expressed “Seize the day” –Ted Bundy
doubt about what sort of upbringing Mount Rushmore would receive under the union.
“One small step for man and one giant step for
North Dakota responded to this criticism with a final point on the repercussions of their mankind”- Stephen Hawking
decision, predicting that both the equal status of same-sex couples in the eyes of the
law and the unification of the two states, while extremely meaningful for those affected, “I think therefore I am”- Air Bud via Seventh
will bring no change whatsoever in the way heterosexuals live their lives nationwide. Inning Fetch

“Let them eat cake”- Triumphant Café Mac

employee

“Ich bin ein Berliner”- Chewbacca

“Luke, I am your father”- Bill Walton

They love each other, but not at the expense of “Float Like a butterfly sting like a bee”- Mothra
social justice, what a couple o’ states.
“Call me, Ishmael”- Carly Rae Jepsen
spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2

Yo Mama Particle Discovered “Girl Can’t Understand Why Number

by Admiral Ackbar
After years in particle physics leading physicists have discovered the yo mama particle. It’s of Friends, Likes Not The Same”
been determined that yo mama so fat, that it gives mass to everything in the universe. We discussed -Andersen Pooper
with the scientists how they were able to get yo mama to move that fast, and the leading theoretical
physicist had this to say: “Man, the only way we could get yo mama to come out of hiding was by say- Macalester Sophomore Jenna Polke has been reportedly seen in the campus center,
ing there was a jelly donut.” Other scientists added in “Oh Damn!”
distraught over the lack of a 1:1 ratio between the number of friends she has on Facebook and
how many likes she recently got on her new profile picture.

“If you don’t like something, then, what, what’s the opposite of that? Like...dislike?” Jenna
said, igniting a new round of crying as she reached that point of revelation on her own. “I wake
up every morning and like everything in my news feed, just as a daily ritual. I also try to create
one fake facebook profile every day, then proceed to log in to that profile and like everything
on my profile,” noting that this morning she crafted “Spellissa Romaine,” a spunky red head
who’s listed interests are being a real person and doing all the things real people do.

“Don’t even tell me people haven’t had time to check their Facebooks, it’s been like
47 minutes!” she stated in defense to repeated questions about whether it was reasonable
for every person to have seen it already. Additionally, to the query into whether she had ever
reached the maximum of likes before-- if there was a precedent for expecting such a thing
--Jenna took the reporters pen and jammed it into his throat, killing him on the spot. “Oh,
fuck,” Jenna cried out after watching his
squirming body come to a stop and the
The team responsible for this earth-shattering discovery. blood fountain reduced to a dribble. “I
We, of course, had the question, how is yo mama able to give mass to everything in the uni- think we’re Facebook friends. Are they
verse, and top physicist Jack Johnson had this to say “Man yo mama so fat she encompasses everything going to delete his Facebook now that he’s
in the universe.” Other scientists added in “Ooooohhhh!” and “Daaaaaaaaaaamn!” dead? Why does this stuff always happen
to ME!?!?”
This was an exciting announcement as this has come right after the announcement of the yo
mama black hole. We asked one of the top scientists in Black Hole theory what he imagined it would Jenna’s recent profile picture is
look like. “Man, yo mama so ugly we can’t even manage to take a photo, cause yo mama so fat light
an amalgamation of all the most likeable
can’t escape her mass.”
features of her last 5 profile pictures,
which is comprised of: a picture of her
What else is there to be said about this scientific marvel? Not much, except that yo mama been
hugging her dog, on a beach, with her
with so many guys, that every person on earth has had her.
closest betches in bikinis, shot by the
Hanz Zharkoff, former NASA and CERN astrophysicist, is considered to be one of the leading same person who took her senior photo,
minds in the field of particle theory. When asked about the yo-mama and its implication for the future all while celebrating her grandma’s 90
of the field the genius theorist offered this, “DAMN YO MAMA SO FAT WHEN SHE WALK BY THE birthday (evidenced by the party hats
TV YOU MISS 3 EPISODES!!!!” adorning everyone’s heads). The caption
below the picture reads, “Me and the A picture from better days
Others in the field believed this to be a totally sick burn, scientifically speaking. ladies up to no good, with my dog, isn’t he
the cutest??!?!?, luv the beach can’t wait 2 go back, I don’t know if the lighting was right, what do
you think? You’re the best G-Ma you’re such an inspiration to everything I do in lyfe!!!! =)”
spring2013 volume8.issue.2 spring2013 volume8.issue2

Michele Bachmann’s Personal Schedule Hege Profiles: The Café Mac Pizza Man
Friday, May 4th 2013
In response to Café Mac’s recent trend of wild and crazy pizza,
5:23 AM: Awake in a cold sweat. Smack Marcus and demand
we sat down with the man behind the madness for a candid
that he apologize for what he did in your dream.
one-on-one interview about what inspires Barry Pieman, the
6:55 AM: Practice speech against immigration in the shower. Café mac pizza creator.
Try not to cry this time.
The Hegemonocle: Barry, thank you for joining us. Lets dive
7:45 AM: Walk down the stairs in your bathrobe. Smack Mar- right in—why all these zany pizzas?
cus for not wolf-whistling at you.
Barry Pieman: What you see as ‘zany,’ I see as merely an ex- Mr. Pieman sees his hands, not his face, as his truest identity.

8:00 AM: Paint teeth white. pression of the soul and universe. For me, pizza is the ultimate
artistic medium and I use it to comment both on my feelings and the world around me. When you see dough,
8:10 AM: Leave the house. Grind the heel of your stiletto the I see a blank canvas waiting to be mastered. We don’t live in a simple cheese and pepperoni world with triangle
New York Times laying in driveway as you walk to your red Hummer. Make sure the maid Isabel slices, the world we live in is dark and mysterious, like zucchini and stale shellfish medley.
burns it after you step on it.
Remind her that “you don’t pay her for nothing”. Hege: What about the slices? We rarely see triangles; at best we get some irregularly hacked at squares, what
gives?
9:15 AM: Yell at Carol for wearing the same skirt as you. Order her to go home and change. Throw
a glass of wine on it so she has no choice. BP: If I had it my way there would be no slices, certainly not regular ones, we would merely tear at the pie like
time slowly tears away at the innocence of youth.
11:00 AM: Try to clarify what you mean by “real Americans” without being racist.
Hege: Uhhh…ok. How about this, let’s say we have a gray dreary overcast day, very dull, might we see some
11:01 AM: Give up on trying to clarify what you mean by “real Americans” without being racist. simple cheese and red sauce then? At least something palatable and maybe a little boring?
11:56 AM: Bump into a man on the sidewalk who you don’t see because you were looking down at
BP: Too easy. I don’t see things that way. As an artist, I see an opportunity to make a pizza that really tells a
the naked pictures that one of your junior staffers sent you. Yell at him. Ask if he knows who you
story even in the driest, simplest of times, maybe something like taco sauce and shrimp, but really chewy fla-
even are. Say to his face that you would support abortions if they were guaranteed to stop people
vorless shrimp. Cheese and red sauce does not say overcast dull Wednesday, IT SAYS DEAD! I make pizza for
like him from being born. Disregard his tears.
the living and free of heart.
12:46 PM: Eat lunch at Chick-Fil-A. Have Carol take the first bite to make sure the sandwich isn’t
poisoned. Hege: Ok, jeez. One last question, do you ever get any pressure from the head chef or Café Mac brass to make
more mainstream pizza?
1:30 - 4:00 PM: Power nap/Angry Birds marathon during Congressional Session.
BP: Sure, but I shrug it off. My craft means more to me than any simple
7:00 PM: Attend Congressional fight club. Punch Harry Reid in the mouth. Bite Orrin Hatch’s ear job. They can tell me to make meat lovers when the PF’s come, but if that’s
off. not what’s in my heart, what I feel in my deepest loins, then I won’t make
it. They can fire me if they want, but I’ll always find my dough and brick
8:23 PM: Have drink with young hot staffer Todd. Tell Todd he is attractive. Tell Todd that you oven. People said Jackson Pollock was just throwing paint at a canvas, and
should go to a Motel together. Threaten his career when he expresses reservations. his art changed the world. Someday I’m gonna change the world.

9:45 PM: Clean yourself up in the Motel bathroom. Go into bedroom. Tell Todd to stop crying. Hege: Thanks for your time, and for anyone still reading, this reporter
Throw him a couple of bucks for a cab ride home. recommends you start eating pizza at The Loch.
Pieman’s latest innovation—a big hit with the kids.
11:49 PM: Take off your shoes. Lie down on the bed. Hold back tears. Slap Marcus awake to make
yourself feel better.
spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2

Kentucky College students protest cookies, occupy Chef ’s kitchen Game-Changing Name-Changing
A new trend has hit the NBA: name-changing. Most recently with the New
College students protesting their school’s decision to con-
Orleans Hornets changing to the Pelicans, many other teams see an advantage in
tinue serving cookies on Friday blocked six entrances to the Chef ’s
kitchen that they’d been occupying since Monday. this strategy. First proven with the Brooklyn Nets, rebranding does wonders for the
fan base and team moral. Here at the Hegemonocle, we have a leaked list of future
Students and other activists have been protesting cookies, team name changes and their marketing strategies.
the nation’s favorite dessert, and its chocolate chip delicacies. The
group, called Cookies off Campus Kentucky, or COCK, cardboard The Los Angeles Great Clippers
signs all over Jolly Hall, home to the college’s top chef.
A surprising and bold move by Great Clips, a Minnesotan company, to buy a
Since Monday morning, baker’s-dozens of students have
Californian team, but in a city known for creativity, this might be a successful
filled the kitchen, refusing to leave. decision after all. Each player will not only sport a new, trendy haircut, but also be
trained in the art of hairdressing.
“We believe that Kentucky must work to serve desserts
that benefit our community,” said junior John Dough, “instead of
The New York Stevie Knicks
one that is forcing obesity and remains responsible for our nation’s
After their outer borough neighbors enlisted the iconic Jay-Z to be the front
health crisis.”
man for their organization, the Knicks sought a famous musician of their own: Ste-
On Wednesday afternoon, the group was surprised by a vie Nicks. Rumours has it, Edge of Seventeen will be played non-stop in Madison
visit from Y.N.RichKids, known for their classic ballad Hot Cheetos Square Garden.
and Takis. The group demonstrated their support for the group by
switching out the lyrics to their top hit to “Cupcakes and No Cook-
ies.” The Denver McNuggets
Ronald McDonald buys the Nuggets. He changes the name to the McNuggets. Look
This protest comes after numerous other COCK-sponsored for them dipping and dunking from Tangy Barbeque to Creamy Ranch.
activities geared toward raising awareness about the issue. In Dece-
meber, COCK let students build ginger bread homes only to crush
them immediately before they were finished. In February, COCK The Sacramento Burger Kings
offered to give students free Oreo cookies without the filling.
This name change might be seen as reactionary. However, a new rivalry will
Over the last few months, students have whisked with chefs,
definitely develop between Sacramento and Denver. Maybe now people will actual-
requesting that the school scrap cookies from its cookbooks and ly watch the Kings.
switch to serving cupcakes.
Orlando Magic: The Gathering
“Cupcakes have not been involved with the obesity crisis
Looking to capitalize on a niche market, Orlando adopts this new identity.
like cookies have,” said Jane Bagel. “A switch to cupcakes is an easy,
The players on the Magic will be featured on cards as spells, which can be used at
common-sense solution.”
any moment in a basketball game. However, this means the organization will have
Nonetheless, school chefs have recently announced that after to keep a well-stocked mana pool.
“truly pondering” COCK’s stiff request, “Kentucky has decided to
continue to serve cookies.” Golden State Ninja Warriors
The final, and possibly most profitable, marketing scheme involves the Ninja
In a two-page briefing to COCK, Candy Applesmith, execu-
Warriors putting on a full scale competition each year during the off-season to field
tive chef, said that, “the causes of obesity are multidimensional.”
a team. The players will be pulled from around the world, be at peak physical and
“At the end of the day,” she said, “we believe that singling out mental strength, capable of enduring almost anything, and all under 5’10”.
cookies . . . is not the right recipe for success at this time.”
spring2013 volume8.issue2 spring2013 volume8.issue2

The Daily Piper Presents: Café Mac Bingo

Monday March 5, 2020 Tear up the rest of the magazine for game pieces.
Present a BINGO to any Hegemonocle member for a free dick joke.

Community: B I N G O B I N G O
Zero-Waste by 2020 Already Fucked Up. Coffee &
-An unidentified student threw away a Doritos bag on the third floor of Olin Rice, single-handedly ruin Guy in a Missy Leaky Bloody Backpack Cup
Sneak!! Cross- Spill Calculator
ing twenty years of sustainability work done by the college. band Elliot cup nose attack search
word

Players Union Urges Study to Determine the Long Term Neurological Effects of Pushball. Football Plate Mac Head-
Line Pirate Boy in Bob
Chanting player in left GOP phones + Lost PF
-Failure to find gainful employment by 84% of pushball players graduating between 07-15 may be over 10 hat suit Dylan
sweats behind Member counter
indicative of severe brain trauma sustained during pushball matches those years.
New Sports
Cutlery Happy
Winter 2016 Finally Ending. Vest Child FREE Lost PF Quesadilla
jukebox FREE bros
mishap Panini Birthday
-Should get up to 52 degrees on Wednesday! song high five

Harold Status: Alive 2 Hege on Boat Someone Football

Reference White
PDA Professor enjoying player in Milk bag
Chains floor shoes to a meme Stripes
Events: the Hege sweats

Hat + Mac
Grilled Hot Dessert Dessert Leaky Missy
Protest-Protest 1:00 PM Bateman Plaza. cheese chef
Glasses
w/ nuts
Nelly Child GOP
w/o nuts cup Elliot
-Sick of Protests? Come to the protest-protest at 1 PM. + Pizza Member

2014 Graduate James Blickerson’s Chicken Tendermelt: Finally Finished.

-Ends a three year capstone ordeal that ended in the destruction of five microwaves, three panini presses, B I N G O B I N G O
and two easy bake ovens.
No Someone Someone
Cutlery blowing Cutlery PF with
Leonard Center renamed Lynyrd Synyrd after donation by Lynyrd Skynyrd. PDA
Mishap
bread nose with
Nelly
mishap
PDA
tray
Vest laughing
panini at Hege
-After admitting heir to Skynyrd fortune Shawnee Van Zant, the Van Zant family donates 10 million Hege
dollars for the addition of a greyhound racetrack for the Leonard Center.
Football
Bob Line Plate left Reference
Celery Vest Child Professor Chanting player in
Dylan over 20 behind to PBR
Café Mac Menu: sweats
Pizza Broccoli – Not to be confused with the slightly less disgusting Mac Mac
Fruit Dessert Missy
“broccoli pizza.” Pizza broccoli is reconstituted broccoli triangles Trip FREE Slip GOP FREE Lost PF Weekly
dessert w/ nuts Elliot
topped with whole wheat cheese pizza slices! Member on floor

Like you are even gonna eat anything else! Leaky Thumbs Vegan Fallen Boat Guy in a
Sneak!! 2Chainz Professor Pirate
Cup up dessert froyo shoes band

Subletter Wanted: Must have own bed, dresser, girlfriend. Fruit Mention Mac
Lonely Leaky Happy Dancing
cart Whale Cat of Mac Cereal GOP
plate cup Birthday first year
reload tumblr Member
spring2013 volume8.issue2

Macalester College Divests from Fossil Fuels, World Still Ends

By Al Gore Internet Joke

On Tuesday afternoon, after three years of gridlock campus negations and numer-
ous Mac Weekly Op-eds Macalester College announced its decision to divest from
fossil fuels. The following evening, the world ended. The “end” resulted of the accu-
mulation of Green House gases prompting
catastrophic changes in global weather
patterns. Yet, Macalester’s choice to divest
can be considered a landmark
victory in the inconsequential fight to
ensure a sustainable non-existent future.

“I’m glad Macalester finally made the right

decision to divest,” said one extinct
third-year, “I think we will start seeing
positive changes around the globe.” The
student’s words rang with biting irony as
the following day thousands of years of hu-
man civilization collapsed amid
cataclysmic volcanism and weather
phenomena.
“No more”
A former student of Macalester, whose student organization instigated
administrators’ decision, would have said on Wednesday, “I am really proud of
what my peers and I have accomplished. The world has a bright future.” Student
celebration of thier victory over small private college administration was short
lived as the next day the infrastructure of society and human culture ceased to exist
and entered the plane of nothingness. Administrators were unable to
implement policies of divestment due to the untimely destruction of the hallmarks
of the miracle of human
inspiration including
Italian Baroque Sculpture, the
Internet, the modern
skyscraper, the Hegemonocle,
and flying machines.
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