THE Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 13, Issue 1
Fall 2015
The Old School Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Lydia Karlson ’16
Tom Wakin ’16

EDITORIAL
Associate Editor
Austin Parsons ’17
Head Writer
Jamie Goodin ’17

DESIGN
Head of Production
Ivy Bardaglio ’16

STAFF

Coat Rack ’99 Natalie Kronebusch ’17 Thali Zikos ’18

Spencer Carter ’16 Eli Lilleskov ’17 Liz Goldstein ’19
Anthony Granai ’16 Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Kasia Klajewski ’19
Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Sarah Coleman ’18 Valerie Stenerson ’19
Mo Usavage ’16 Kate Garrett ’18 On Sabbatical
Declan Cummings ’17 Sean McDonald ’18 Myles Ambrose ’17
Ellie Fuqua ’17 Noah Mondschein ’18 Marissa Heim ’17
Xander Gershberg ’17 Danny Ochoa ’18

SHOUT OUTS

Sarah and Noah’s band, Sinister Resentment

Canada’s sexy new PM
That embarrassing thing Marissa did in Copenhagen
Sober representation
Food service for a sustainable future®
Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us: The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four times
[email protected] Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
@hegemonocle 1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is All content, except what we’ve stolen
facebook.com/hegemonocle Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
Hegemonocle, 2015.
Editorial
You know that feeling when you walked into kindergarten for the first time? Like you were about
to fill your little kindergarten underpants with poo? Well that’s how we felt when we first joined the
Hegemonocle. Nervous but excited, and with an uncomfortable pressure on our bowels. But after that first
issue, that first quarter, our confidence buoyed, like a great weight had been pushed out of us. No longer
did we have to squeeze our brains for comedic content. Do you ever feel like a tube of toothpaste? We don’t.
Comedy flows out of us in steady, hot bursts.

We felt that same nervous tingling at the beginning of this year. We were unsure of the journey we
were about to embark on. Senior year will be arduous, a constant struggle between tensing and relaxing. We
do not yet know how it will turn out. Will it be a solid year? Or will it drip through our fingers?

But!

We knew something big was coming. It gave us this feeling, like something was pressing up on our
insides, just waiting to come out. We had to nurture it, massage it, poke it. Without the tireless work of our
staff, it may have never seen the light of day. But it did, and now you’re holding it, warm and squishy in your
hands. Can you feel it? Can you feel the heat? Let us tell you, it is a wonderful feeling.

We are a quarter of the year done. Our self-conscious rumblings from the semester’s start have
turned into hearty grunts, determined to make a splash. We hope this issue of the Hegemonocle will lighten
your load and help you clench the rest of the year with confidence.

From our anus to yours, we are proud to present The Hegemonocle: The Old School Issue.

- Lydia Karlson and Tom Wakin

The Macalester Hegemonocle
October 2015
 In the News at Mac
(Real Journalism)

Student Makes Eye Contact With Health and Wellness Employee While Shoveling
Condoms Into Pockets. Both Parties Are Uncomfortable.

Prototype for Carnegie Stairs Found in Medieval French Torture Chamber.

‘Crying Person Kagin’ Approved by MCSG. Reason TBD.

Student Drinks 20oz Dunn Bros Coffee. Does Homework, Roommate's Homework, Flips Over
Honda Civic, Travels Forward in Time.

PBR Horrified When Informed That Dupre Being Used to House Students.

First-Year at Org Fair Feels Overwhelmed and Runs Off Foaming at the Mouth. Still
Missing, Still Foaming, Still Receiving Emails From 27 Clubs.

Administration Admits They've Known This Whole Time That Bagpipes Are Really
Fucking Annoying.

Entire Campus to Be Moved After Student Expresses Wish That It Be Closer to Shish.

Neill Hall to Be Destroyed After Administration Decides Giant Gaping Pit Would Be
More Appealing.

Marlon James Believed to Have Written a Book.

‘FaintSmell of Waffles Kagin’ Approved by MCSG. Do You Smell Waffles? Maybe You Do,
Maybe You Don't. You'll Never Be Sure.

PBR Creates New Work Study Job Where Students Count His Money.

Top Scientists Flown in From Vienna Confirm The Cheese Shop is Expensive.

Kevin Has No Idea What You're Saying to Him. He's a Dog.

Non-Football Player Drinks Cafe' Mac Chocolate Milk, Wakes Up in a Ditch Wearing
Football Uniform. Cannot Remember What Happened.

Students Wake Up to All ‘Waste Free by 2020’ Signs Changed to 2025, After Macalester
Granted Extension Because “They Were Sick.”

4
Ethan Danced
After a lifetime of feeling generally inhibited and overly aware of his body odor at social functions, Ethan Tepper,
Class of 2019, danced. “Um hi my name’s Ethan I was just at a Kagin and my Cool Friend Troy handed me a water
bottle of not water! And you can just say that night my hips DID NOT lie! ft. Wyclef Jean” he told our writers in his 37 second
interview. Several moments later, we saw him enthusiastically send an email to BriRo saying, “I love college! -Ethan!”

However, we were skeptical of this alleged dancing incident. When we interrogated Cool Friend Troy about this
incident his response was, “Who’s Ethan?” This only further piqued our interest.

What really happened the night of April 20th? And Troy’s question was still ringing in our heads. Who is Ethan? We drove
to his hometown, Bethesda, Maryland, to find out more. He gave us a fake address. Turns out, he’s from Oshkosh,
Wisconsin. His name is Sage Thompson. He is a father of four and a manager of a local Walgreens. Fuck. We were
catfished again.

Student declares minor; posts about it on Facebook

Thrilled by the sure-to-be life-changing decision of declaring a Religious Studies minor, sophomore Samantha
Warren took to Facebook to share her new academic path with the world. According to her status posted last
night, the agonizing decision process “took months” of inner turmoil and several meetings with her advisor.
Warren’s jubilance was matched by the 70 other Religious Studies minors, one even referring to her minor
choice as “an unparalleled way to round out her Economics major” and another noting that she’s a “perfect fit
for the department.”

We asked Warren for comments about what

she’s most excited for, but she said she was
unable due to her “newly engorged schedule”
consisting primarily of trying to cope with
her new-found feelings of transcendence,
gushing over ancient and forgotten texts,
and awaiting the rapture.

We also reached out to department chair Jim

Lane about Warren’s momentous decision,
but all he could muster was a perplexed
“Whom?”

5
 Mac student feels presence in room,
finds furby
Macalester first year Hannah Personson was working in her Dupre triple Thursday night when
she became aware of another presence in the room. Concerned about what that might mean
for her work ethic and sex life, she immediately began a search. Opening her closet, she found
a small, purple-furred blob staring furiously at her, vibrating slightly and wiggling its ears.

“I guess I was kind of surprised, yeah,” she stated. “At first I thought it would be a confused
upperclassman searching for food. Plus, since we live in a computer lounge and our walls are
literally windows, feeling like people are nearby isn’t too unusual. So yeah, a Furby was a bit
of a shock.”

She says that she and her roommates have tried to throw the Furby out multiple times since
Thursday, but it keeps returning to her closet. Sarah Otherpersonson ’19, another resident of
the room, thinks that may be for the best, and has expressed concerns about the environmental
impact of possible demonic possessions being put in regular trash receptacles, as well as the
animal rights implications of the Furby being literally treated like trash.

Recently, the Furby has taken up mimicking the voices of the room’s residents, as well as their
long-dead ancestors, making studying increasingly difficult. “We tried taking the batteries
out,” Otherpersonson reported, “but it turns out there weren’t any in it to begin with!”

Out of options, the roommates reached out to the administration. However, because the Furby
technically has autonomy, it falls under the rules for dorm pets and must be kept in a cage.
Since literally no one wanted to risk caging it, the administration confiscated the Furby this
past weekend.

“I don’t know, it’s kinda cute,” BriRo said, staring into its dead little eyes. “It reminds me of
grad school.”

Edit: Since the writing of this story, an official school report has been released stating that the
Furby will be added to the new therapy pet session, and will be introduced to the school this
upcoming weekend. Welcome to the family, Keviathon!

66
 First Year Guilt-Ridden For Dishonest

Bell Ringing

Macalester first year Terry Briggs recently decided to

come forward about his dishonest ringing of the bell
this past weekend. Instead of following the sacred
tradition known to all Macalester students, Briggs rang Bell Ringing Key
the bell once instead of twice, leaving all of campus
with the false impression that he had been laid before.
Lose your virginity -
“I feel so bad”, Briggs said in an interview with the
Hegemonocle. “I wanted everyone to think that my ring twice
high school girlfriend and I had a passionate sex life
instead of her just giving me a half-assed handy twice
a month ... dammit Ashley ... anyway, I also didn’t want Have sex on campus for the
my partner knowing I was inexperienced.” first time but not a virgin -
The Hegemonocle has spoken with Briggs’ new v-card ring once
owner, known only as “Somewhat Deep Throat” for the
purposes of anonymity. In an exclusive interview, S.D.T
stated that she “wasn’t surprised in the slightest that Have sex under the bell -
he was lying” and that Briggs “fucked the same way a
horse skateboards.” ring five times
Briggs publicly apologized via social media and in front
of the Campus Center this week. Informing the public
Have sex with bell - however
that he has learned his lesson, he will rectify his error many muffled rings you
by ringing the bell twice if he ever gets the chance to
copulate again. deem necessary

7
 BREAKING NEWS:
SHARK WEEK WRITERS CLAIM IT
ISN’T GOING TO BE COMPLETE
BULLSHIT THIS YEAR!
ATLANTA, GA – Last night, a 1GB flash drive was left at the doorstep of the CNN headquarters in Atlanta. Atop it
was a note written in crude hand, bearing the words “WE’LL SEA WHERE THIS GOES”. Since here at CNN we’ll take
any story, you heard that right any story, we took the flash drive and viewed its contents. What we found was
too shocking to relay to you, our viewers, in a regurgitated tongue. So we give to you the script of the audio file
found on that flash drive:

147 UNKNOWN VOICE: *wet noises* It's recording, say it again so I have it on
148 record you piece of shit.
149 MICHAEL SORENSEN (EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF SHARK WEEK): No more bullshit I
150 promise! Just let me go man, how did you get into my home anyway?
151 UNKNOWN VOICE: *Sound of a fin hitting a face* Shuuutttttt uppppp, just
152 get to work on the new Shark Week. It starts in a few months; you’ve got
153 a boatload of work to do.
154 MICHAEL SORENSEN: Wait up! Uhhhhhhhh Megalodon is still fair game right?
155 UNKNOWN VOICE: What the hell did you just say?
156 MICHAEL SORENSEN: You know man … Megalodon. The super shark that roams
157 our oceans, 70 feet long, feeds on cruise ships. Megalodon, man.
158 UNKNOWN VOICE: *sound of gills taking in water* Don’t give me that line;
159 no more of this make believe fuckery!
160 MICHAEL SORENSEN: You don't know that, 95% of our oceans are unexplored.
161 Who knows what's down there? Could be Megalodon or maybe even the ultra-
162 rare Tyrannosaurus Shark.
163 UNKNOWN VOICE: The fuck is that?
164 MICHAEL SORENSEN: Oh, you haven’t heard? It’s great, picture a shark, 200
165 feet long with two heads and two little T-Rex arms. Oh and it can fly.
166 Our intern Jerry came up with it, the ratings will be INSA—”

The remainder of the recording is just a series of muffled

screams and splashing sounds.
new Shark Week
Stay tuned for the
When we confronted Sorensen on the incident we er 30th 2015 at
premiering on Octob
noticed odd bite marks all over his body. He refused the season finale
to reveal any additional details however, save that the 8:00 p.m., right after
: A True Story.
main program in this year’s Shark Week will be about a of Voodoo Mermaids
mysterious, hyper-intelligent, speaking shark that walks
on two fins and has a mean left hook.
8
 This week in
This past Tuesday, Flangin McRibs ’16 presented his new startup project
to a crowd of drooling mouths and semi-erect pantaloons. The seasoned
veteran of moist undergarments sparked the presentation with a slideshow
of pictures taken from the latest meeting arranged by his app. The
impression made upon the audience was immediately clear: some were
disgusted, others intrigued, many more were seen fighting off an untimely
arousal. The premise of McRibs’ app? To provide a platform for Macalester
students to arrange a gathering at an off-campus house and then strip
naked and indulge in pasta-based meals.

Combining the austere simplicity of pasta and the pulchritudinous artistry

of the human body, it’s no surprise NÜDEL was an instant hit.

Within hours of the presentation, countless NÜDEL meetups, or “Erect

Togethers” as the kids call them, were taking place. Scott Tinyshorts ’19
even claims to have nüdled over at the Rosenberg residence. “BriBri served

NÜDEL
us imported Roman Linguini atop solid gold plates, coupled with an aged
chardonnay ... so yeah it was dope. It was a humbling experience being
around so many naked administrators; let me tell you, Jim Hoppe has got
a MONSTER appetite.”

Scott’s Testimonial is only one of many that have been made in support of Mac entrepreneurship. Be
sure to tune in next week where we hand the spotlight over to MacFaps!

* If your interest has been piqued please scan

this QR code for more information! *

Why Can’t I
All leaves are
created equal
Fetishizing
diversity

Appreciate Fall
Leaves? Silencing of
Evergreens

Phallic nature
We should live in a
of trees
colorblind society

Fall is an invention of
the Patriarchy
9
 Holden
Caulfield
Mike
Tyson
Who said it?
“I’m just happy I’m not a phony.” “Every time there is revolution, it comes from
somebody reading a book about revolution.”
“What really knocks me out is a book”.
“My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too
“I feel like sometimes I was not meant for this sensitive of a person.”
society.”
“I ain’t the same person I was when I bit that ear off.”
“I’ve lived in places these guys haven’t defecated in.”
“I am the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life.
“I’ll go back and take what the people owe me.” It’s awful.”

“I’m just like you; I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life “I’m quite illiterate, but I read a lot.”
too.”
“People never believe you.”
“I’m just going through a phase right now.”

Answers: MT, HC, MT, MT, MT, MT, HC, MT, MT, MT, HC, HC, HC

10
How to make friends
Step 2: Once you have found a good, healthy
human being, think of words to say at them.
Examples of some words that are inoffensive to
Step 1: Identify a fellow human being. You
most human sound pallets are: “French,” ”Quilt,”
might want to stick to your general height range
“Reagan,” “Bark,” “Fluff,” “Whom,” “Crust,” “Bulb”
for your first “friend,” but you can branch out to
or, if you’re feeling adventurous, “Virile,” “Ripe,”
shorter or perhaps even taller people if you feel
“Sagging,” or even “Whoopsie.” Have fun with it!
comfortable enough.
Let your personal flair come out! But under no
circumstances should the word “Abortion” be
brought up.

Step 4: Eye contact is encouraged, but within

reason — don’t let things get out of hand. Eye
contact is like buttermilk; too much will make
you come off as overly sweet, but too little and
Step 3: Remember to drink lots of water.
you will appear to lack real substance. No one
will take you seriously. When engaging in eye
contact, make sure to blink in a way that seems
purposeful but non-threatening.

Step 6: After you’ve spent 3 days making

eye contact at your selected “friend,” they
Step 5: Remember those words you
will approach you with some sort of greeting.
thought of all the way back up at step number
Perhaps something along the lines of “Why the
2? Start rehearsing them in the mirror so you
fuck do you keep looking at me?” Now, don’t
can automatically regurgitate them at random
panic; this is a perfectly normal thing for one
if you’re ever in a sticky situation. Like when
human being to say to another, especially under
you’re caught sneaking kittens to the lonely
these circumstances. Take a deep breath, and
Rottweiler at the pound.
hold it for about as long as it takes for a mature
albatross to nose dive from 5,000 to 2,000 feet.

Now we are friend. Goodbye.

Expert Tip: For advanced friendships try stringing together your special words in
what are commonly known as “sentences.”

11
 A doctor and her patient are seated in a hospital room.

Actual Audio Transcript From an Doctor Cassandra: So how have you been, Mark?

Mark: Good doc, good, the chemo hasn’t been making me feel as bad lately.

Doctor Cassandra: Glad to hear it! How’re the kids doing? Little Francis still in marching band?
How’s June’s judo go—

Mark: Cut the crap, Cassandra, what did the MRI tell you?

Doctor Cassandra: Do you want the good news or better news first?
Actual Hospital Room
Mark: Oh, uh, good news I guess?

Doctor Cassandra: The tumors have been responding to the treatment! You’re very lucky we
caught it when we did. Any later, and well, you’d probably be dead already! This type of lung
cancer is almost always a death sentence. If you’d waited just a week more, well, just thank the
good Lord (points upwards) that you didn’t!

Mark: So I’m not dying?

Doctor Cassandra: Well, that’s still up in the air right now.

Mark: Oh. What’s the better news then?

Doctor Cassandra: My small coffin business, we’re having a—

Mark: Your what!?

Doctor Cassandra: (Annoyed) As I was saying my small, local coffin business is having a sale this
week. Up to 50% off various coffins!

Mark: Is this, is this your way of telling me that I’m not alright?

Doctor Cassandra: What!? No, why would you think that? I’m just trying to let you know about
the amazing deals we have going on at Cass’ Caskets and Coffins this week!

Mark: Do I need to be looking into purchasing a coffin?

Doctor Cassandra: I don’t know, Mark, do you?

Mark: (standing up) Just give it to me straight doc, am I dying!?

Doctor Cassandra: Is the general public dying to get their hands on these coffins and caskets
hand-made from 100% local materials? (Mark looks confused) Of course they are Mark, of course
they are. Especially when we have a wide selection of different woods, varying from classics
such as mahogany and walnut, to more exotic varieties such as purple heart!

Mark: (sits back down) So am I dying?

Doctor Cassandra: I can neither confirm nor deny that. I can, however, confirm that the current
sale is a once in a lifetime (winks) event, that you will not want to miss.

Mark: Is this a joke to you!?

Doctor Cassandra: I can assure you, Mark, that the only joke is the full cost of a coffin. If it
weren’t for the sale, why, they could run as high as your chemo does!

Mark: Why are you doing this to me? How bad am I?

1212
Doctor Cassandra: How bad are you!? How bad am I!? I must be crazy to sell these coffins at these low, low prices.

Mark: Just stop it.

Doctor Cassandra: We even have child-sized coffins, Mark. Last time you brought June here she was coughing an awful lot,
perhaps you’d be interested in—

Mark: You nutbag.

Doctor Cassandra: The type of lung cancer you have can be linked to a specific gene, Mark. You should have her checked out.
Francis too. I think I probably have something in his size.

Mark: I’m going to report this, how can you be so unprofessional? Mark gets up and starts to leave until Cassandra grabs his arm

Doctor Cassandra: Two weeks, Mark.

Mark: What? Two weeks? Do I only have two weeks left?

Doctor Cassandra: Yes, you only have two weeks left (pauses) before the sale ends! You’d better buy soon!

Mark: Go to hell.

Doctor Cassandra: But also to live. (pause) You’re going to die.

FIN

13
 All the boys
are singin’!
You can’t
even get mad,
they’re so
happy. And
nobody’s been feeling better
than you are there, guy!
You’re a regular happy boy!
So nice. There’s probably a
pleasant breeze or something.
Wow! Great!

In hops the old good cowboy-man, he says

“Howdy!” Straight from the old wild west,
this one. What a guy! Honky-tonk on the
good old ivories. Old good saloon time.
“This town is big enough for the two of
us. Heck, I reckon it could even hold three
or four more!” What a good guy this cowboy-boy-man. I love him.

There could maybe be a big nice space guy. “Hey I’m from the big old Up, I’m here
for a one-on-one basketball. Air Jordan!” Wow what a great guy! Big old green face
floppin’ around. Big old space-ray. Nice space gun, space guy! And one! Dunk! Love
that space baller.

And here comes in the nice young ones. Hoppin’ around eatin’ candy! Yummm!
They’re always excited to see the big adults, just to say “Howdy!” I love these little
guys. As if they were my little bing-bongs ma-self!

Uh-oh, here’s a big old mean man! He’s being loud and he wants things! He thinks that
fun is no good at all! Wow, sad! Oh, well, now he is dead. Congratulations on the nice
time!

Was it nice for you?

14
1776 Trending Now:
Leeches: Are they the next mercury?
Paul Revere: Read his live tweets from his ride #theycomin
Candles: Are they giving you the vapors?
Rhode Island: What is it?
Witches: Are you, or somebody you know a witch? Click this
quiz here!
Liberty Bell: Why’d it ring three times? What’s it mean!?
Submarines: What they are, and why you shouldn’t let your
wives near them.
Declaration of Independence: What is it and who declared it?
Secret lives of the founding fathers revealed!
Ben Franklin: 16 sex tips from the master inventor of the boudoir
Scrapple: Ingredients revealed, thousands horrif ied!
Tapeworms: Are they for you? First month free. Unsatisf ied?
You can keep them anyways!
Hoop and Stick: Product recalled due to insuff icient lead content
King George: Which one is your favorite? Answer this survey
for a chance to win a free wagon wheel!

15
15
 Adult Male Hippopotamus
VS.
Jason’s dad
An Adult Male Hippopotamus: Jason’s Dad:
- Has a graviportal skeletal structure - Is most likely the father of Jason
- Can reach a weight of up to 3300 lbs - Received $1500 dollars in tax rebates
- Can run on land at 30 km/hr last year
- Has a bite force of 8000 newtons - Can’t run because he has a “knee
- Would fuck Jason’s dad up thing”
- Inhabits both savannah and forest - Drives a pre-owned 2011 Nissan®
areas Altima
- Can close nostrils when submerged - Has a Rite-Aid© rewards card
underwater - Is a fucking dweeb
- Consumes roughly 150 lbs of grass - Owns an 8GB iPod® nano
per day - Yelled at you that one time about that
- Excrement creates allochthonous thing that wasn’t even a big deal! Fuck!
deposits along river beds - Still uses MapQuest™
- Doesn’t have a lawn - Mows the lawn in his underwear and
- Got a 2380 on his SAT doesn’t think it’s weird
- Is a hippopotamus - Fuck Jason’s dad!
- Reproduces underwater - Is not a hippopotamus
- Knows Burn Notice blows ass - Watches Burn Notice
- Accidentally trampled a village that - Keeps asking Jason to watch
one time Showtime’s Masters of Sex with him

C at s:
n i el’s
s o f Da -Abraham Lin-Cat -Meow-Ard Hughes
e
Nam -Tabby Maguire -Hilary Kitten

-Cat Williams -Please Help Me I Have So

Many Cats
-Cat Stevens (no relation)
-Mittens Romney
-Cat-Rick Swayze
-Friend (please?)
-Fuzz Lightyear
-I Am Empty
-Fuzz Lightyear 2 (you never
know) -Some-Fleas Ansari
16
16 -Dog (wait, no, fuck! dammit.)
 Dear Fornicators,
Stop ringing the bell. Do you know what the bell was originally built fo'? what’s that? Oh, you don’t? Well
then I’ll tell you. We originally built that bell to signal each time the parent or grandparent of a student
here at Jesus College died. When it rang, everyone would take 10 seconds to solemnly masturbate in honour
of the deceased. Then you fucking fascist liberal hippie chode munchers turned it into one of your sick de-
flowering rituals. You’re all fucking sick and I bet your parents wouldn’t even want you to masturbate at
their funerals.
Sincerely,
President Brian Rosenberg

P.S.
Stop referring to me as “PBR” it’s not as funny as you think it is.

P.P.S.
Nah just kidding I actually like it, it makes me feel young, like a moth.

P.P.P.S.
Actually though, stop.

Wife been nagging you a lot lately? Husband not listening? Has someone ever pissed
in your cheerios? If so, you should come on down to Awesome
Anthony’s Assassin Association! Located between FroYo and GameStop on
Hill Avenue, we are the one and only AUTHORIZED Assassin Association within a
147 mile radius! You might be thinking, Tony, I thought that building was a Bed, Bath,
and Beyond, and well, you’d be right! Just approach the counter, place a dead rabbit
on it and whisper the words, “‫טוידיא ינא‬.‫לודג טוידיא‬, ‫שפיט‬, ‫שפיט‬.” A bag will then be
placed over your head and you will be knocked out. When you come to, you will be
in a dark, poorly lit room. A man will appear. Do not make eye contact with him. Ignore his
threats and promises. No matter what he says to you, or what you hear. He will place
a contract in front of you and hand you a garasuki knife. Next, with your blood, write
the name of whom you want killed on the contract. THAT’S IT! Boom, you're
done! No fuss, no muss! In 2-3 business weeks, one of our highly-trained assassins
will be on the case. You can even request a specific type of assassin! We’ve got human,
nonhuman, and some who have even made deals with the devil! We at Awesome
Anthony’s Assassin Association pride ourselves on our customer service and
accessibility! Need someone dead? quadruple A is the wAAAAy to go!

17
 Internal Dialogue
of a Centaur

My life is torture. My existence is agony. I cannot separate myself from this… presence… Hey,
Mylife
My lifeisistorture.
torture.MyMyexistence
existenceisisagony.
agony.I Icannot
cannotseparate
separatemyself
myselffrom
fromthis
this… presence…
… presence Hey,we
… Hey, we
we should eat some hay! It pesters me endlessly, never ceasing. It’s been forever
should
shouldeat eatsome
some hay! It pesters me endlessly, never ceasing. It’s It’s been foreversince
been forever sincewe’ve
we’veeaten
eaten
since we’ve eaten any hay. Between the incessant pleas for food and the Let’s
any
any hay.
hay. Between the incessant pleas for food and the Let’s trot! trot!WeWehaven’t
haven’t trotted
trotted for aa while
while
trot! We haven’t trotted for a while requests to gallop through fields Oooh,
fields!
requests
requests Fields
totogallop are—
gallopthrough
through fields
fields Oooh,
Oooh,
I haven’t hadfields!
fields! Fields
Fields
a moment are—
are—
of Why
I haven’t
peace. hadcan’t
I haven’t a moment
had weofeat
a moment peace.Hay
Why
of peace.

just
Whywe
can’t once?
can’t
eatwe The
Hayeat
just fact
hay justThe
once? that
once?
factThe it’s
that hard
fact
it’s that
hardit’sfor youyou
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youdigest
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to to
it digestit only
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only makes makes
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constantly split?
constantly To be
struggling JESUSJESUS
constantly
struggling CHRIST
CHRIST
struggling JESUS
WHATWHAT
WAS CHRIST
WAS THAT?
THAT? WHAT
against anan
against WAS
entity THAT?
within
entity against
yourself?
within To
yourself?
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desire
desire within but
something
something yourself?
toto
but Toyour
have
have desire
your something
legs carry
legs you
carry but
you to have
away?
away? I haveyour
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I have legs carry you
persuade
persuade mymy away?
legs I have
toto
legs go to I
where
go where
Ipersuade
want. False
want. myalarm,
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bag. bag.alarm,
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are impossible;
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are impossible; a large
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for elevators. have to eatI an exorbitant
have to eat anamount of food
exorbitant to sustain
amount of foodthis
to body.
sustainHorseshoes
this body.
have to eat an exorbitant amount of food to sustain this body. Horseshoes are absurdly expensive.
are absurdly expensive.
Horseshoes Women
are absurdly shy away
expensive. Womenfromshy
myaway
entirefrom
lower
mybody Well,
entire lowermost
bodyof Well, mostbody.
our lower of
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our
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cruel body.
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cruel god cursedWhatmyhave I doneWhat
existence? to deserve
have Ithis?
doneGod is not benevolent.
to deserve this? God isGod
not
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EAT SOME EATFUCKING
capricious. EAT SOME FUCKING HAY!
is capricious.
benevolent. God is capricious. SOME FUCKING
HAY! HAY!

18
On deciding whether to shit or sleep, with the time I have between classes

When faced with the option to shit or sleep,

Only 20 minutes I have to reap,
And the price of either is grossly steep,
I’ll show you my fears.

If I nap, in class I will be awake,

Alert enough to feel my colon ache,
The lesson will slip by, my mind a blank,
I will be in tears. Hege Poetry
If I shit, I will lose this dreadful weight,
But leaden lids and yawns will be my fate,
Corner
The droaning lecturer I’ll come to hate,
Seconds will be years.

Here the cruel irony of life is shown,

Nothing left to do but weep and moan,
With both choices, the consequence is shown,
I wait for death.

Nature walk: Fuck off. I see my chance

A written slam poem The iron bars dissolve before me
by Kevin the Dog They howl like the brothers But then one of the damn fools
I never knew Scratches my ear
The sun shines high Tearing at me My handler waves a beggin strip
A spotlight on the stage Like teeth into a sneaker Before me
Of my suffering The hands Enticing me
A beacon for lost souls Grabbing from all sides Indoctrinating my being
Like piss to the fire hydrant Endless
Of existence Endless torment My name is Kevin.
Heavy petting Today, I may be domesticated
[paws] I cannot resist But I will
Because I am a dog NEVER
Silence BE
Silence fills the air We depart BROKEN
Like the moment I think of running ahead
Before the kibble Leaving behind the red bandanna [Howling and raucous barking
Hits the aluminum bowl The monogrammed sweater commence]
The absurdity of the chew toys
They are coming I will fly free
GOD THEY ARE COMING Like Airbud
Among the cars and the trucks
They are here. And the asses of my brethren
And the smells
“OH MY GOD IT’S KEVINNNNN” Answering the call of the Wild
19
 A Story

It was late afternoon. The locker-room smelled of sweat and dirt. To an outsider, it might have been unpleasant.
But to those inside, it was familiar, a signal that things were exactly as they should be. Football season had just
begun.

Larson was pulling off his shoulder pads, pushing them into the locker. He sat down on the bench and took off his
first cleat. As he was untying the second, he paused.

“Hey, Schmidt, can I ask you something?”

“Sure bro, what’s up?” Schmidt responded, taking his own shoulder pads.

“Well, I was just thinking ... and I don’t wanna get all philosophical, or whatever ... but ...”

“Spit it out, man.”

“Well, do you believe in life after high school football?”

Schmidt looked puzzled. “What, you mean like College Ball?”

Larson shrugged. “I don’t know man. I don’t know if I really believe in College Ball. I’ve never seen College Ball. And
believe me, I’ve looked up in the sky, but I don’t see any Big Players up there on the Big Teams. What if, like, after

20
the Big Game ends, it all ends?”

Schmidt laughed. “Dude, c’mon, that’s dumb. There will always be touchdowns. First downs. Punts. How could
anything ever happen without that?”

“What if, like, once the Big Game ends, you just get buried in the dirt, and that’s it? Your body rots there in the
endzone, your shoulder pads fuse with your skin after decades of decomposition, until eventually you’re just
nothing?”

“Yo, Larson, don’t be such a fucking Debbie Downer. Be a Debbie First Downer. After the Big Game, we’re gonna go
be Big Players for one of the Big Teams up in the sky. State. Or The University. Or Tech. Maybe even Tech University
State. But it doesn’t make any sense to say that we won’t be on a Team anymore, man.”

“Well, I don’t know if I want to be on a Team anymore. My hands, they’re weary. My legs, they hurt. I just want to
rest, Schmidt. I am tired, bro. I am old, bro.”

Schmidt looked at Larson’s face. Indeed, he could see wrinkles on Larson’s face he had never noticed before.

“How many seasons has it been, Schmidt? How many games? How many throws, how many catches, how many
passers have been roughed, jerseys held, punts and punt fakes and kickoffs and, oh fuck it! I’m sick of it, broseph,
I’m sick of it all!”

Schmidt suddenly looked doubtful. “It’s been a long time. I lost track after the 20th season,” he admitted. “But
Coach said that he went and played College Ball on one of the Big Teams and then he came back because he
wanted to help us get there! Coach would never lie to us! C’mon, broboat, don’t be crazy!”

Larson shook his head. “What about when he told us that we would for sure, definitely beat East Lake High? Did
we win then? No. He said we were the better team. Well guess what? We weren’t! Don’t you get it, brozen yogurt?
It’s all a sham!”

At this point, Schmidt began sinking to the floor in despair. “It can’t be true! There’s gotta be life after high school
football! There’s just gotta!”

Larson’s face softened a little. He went over and cradled Schmidt’s head. “It’ll be okay broheim. The Big Game will
be great. We’ll win. We’ve been practicing for so long. You’ll make a great play. You’re my little Brobi-Wan. You’re my
brotisserie chicken.”

Schmidt looked up at Larson, with a single tear rolling down his wrinkled, weathered cheek. Larson pulled himself
up off the ground and wiped his face. “You’re right, the Big Game will be good, Broseidon. It will be good. No
matter what happens.”

Just then, Coach walked in. “Hey boys, how are we feeling after today?”

“Better than ever coach!” said Larson.

“Yeah, I’m psyched. Can’t wait to play our first game this season!” said Schmidt.

“Good to hear, boys, good to hear!” responded Coach enthusiastically. “That’s the kind of attitude that will get you
to College Ball! You boys will both be playing for one of the Big Teams one day!”

They both smiled a little, their crows feet deepening, their faces leathery, like worn old footballs.

21
 Your Guide to Blissful Vomiting
Ok so you’ve had a little bit too much to drink, and now you’re here, leaning over
the toilet. If you’re leaning over the sink, please find the nearest toilet and stop
being an asshole. Now, you’ve probably embarrassed yourself hardcore tonight
and your rep is undoubtedly tarnished beyond repair, but fear not, for there is a
solution! With my help, you will vomit, and all your problems will be flushed
down the toilet with all that wild rice you don’t ever remember eating.

Let’s do this.
Step One: Accept that you are going to vomit. For a moment it will be bad, but
after you will emerge a beautiful, still kind of drunk butterfly.

Step Two: Get in vomiting position. Put on your vomiting socks. If you don’t
have vomiting socks, that’s good because you shouldn’t. They don’t exist.

Step Three: Get ready. Just in general, you never know.

Step Four: Now here’s where things get tricky. The goblins will come for
you; they will be many, they will be lustful, and they will smell eerily like Aunt
Judice. Grab the adamantium blade at your side and slay them just like you
practiced.
4a.) Show no mercy.
4b.) But show a lot of skin, they hate that.

Step Five: Now that there aren’t goblins in your bathroom anymore, just
throw up. Really just do it; it’s not that hard. It is kinda gross though, sorry.

Congratulations on your successful vomiting

We at the Hegemonocle are all very proud of you. Now go drink some water,
walk it off, and turn yourself in to the police because you just slaughtered a bunch
of goblins you weak-stomached ne’er-do-well.

22
22
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Breaking a Few Eggs
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