THE MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE

THE YEARBOOK EDITION

Volume 14, Issue 3
 THE Macalester
HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 14, Issue 3
Spring 2016
The Yearbook Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Jamie Goodin ’17
Austin Parsons ’17

EDITORIAL
Managing Editors
Sarah Coleman ’18
HEGE GRADS Danny Ochoa ’18 STAFF
Spencer Carter ’16 Head Writer Coat Rack ’99
Anthony Granai ’16 Sean McDonald ’18 Myles Ambrose ’17
Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Eli Lilleskov ’17
Bailey Polonsky ’16 Social Media Editor Kate Garrett ’18
Mo Usavage ’16 Marissa Heim ’17 Thali Zikos ’18
Elena Santarella ’19
Radio Editor
Yafiet Bezabih ’18 On Sabbatical
EDITORS EMERITUS Xander Gershberg ’17
Lydia Karlson ’16 Declan Cummings ’17
Tom Wakin ’16 DESIGN
Head of Production
Noah Mondschein ’18

Production Associate
Will Milch ’19

SHOUT OUTS
DuckTales
Blunt Privilege
Classic Pool and Spa for employing Lydia
Surly Brewery for obliterating our senior staff
Revolutionary men who shop in the women’s section
Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us: The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four-ish
[email protected] Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. times per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
@hegemonocle 1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is All content, except what we’ve stolen
facebook.com/hegemonocle Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
Hegemonocle, 2016.
Editorial
Dearest citizens of Macalester College,
It is that time of the year again. No, it is not Turkish oil wrestling season, nor is it time for your annual
checkup (which you missed by over a month, by the way). It is not even time for another controversial and
poorly argued op-ed in the Mac Weekly.
It is the time you have been anticipating for months. The time your dad told you about every night
before bed.
The time when dreams become real.
It is the time when the Hegemonocle joins all of campus in saying goodbye to its archaic seniors and
hello to the bright future ahead.
We, Jamie Goodin and Austin Parsons, are part of that future. As the newly minted Editors-in-Chief
of this esteemed publication, we will lead the Hegemonocle into its most prodigious era yet. Absolutely
colossal. Mondo.
We have dreamed of this moment for 3 years. As bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, 18-year-old, junior-varsity,
first-year Editor-in-Chief-wannabes, we imagined a world in which we could write Hegemonocle editorials
with several consecutive hyphenated words in one sentence. A world in which we could do shit like that and
no one could tell us no, because if they did we would fire them.
That world is now real. Our dreams are now real - and as leaders of this magazine, we will not rest
until your dreams become real as well.
We would not have made it here without Lydia Karlson. Her dedication to the Hegemonocle rivals
anyone’s dedication to anything at any point in history. Lydia, you have taught us well and we will not let you
down.
And who but Tom Wakin could so skillfully alleviate the raucous commotion that is inevitably
conjured at every meeting? Sure, he may have usually been the one to instigate it, but we appreciate it all
the same. Without you Tom, we might still be in CC 204 desperately trying to one-up each others’ jokes.
To our other departing seniors, we say thank you. Without you as members of Hege, the magazine
would have had fewer members.
And to you, Hegemonocle reader, we say welcome. Welcome to the future. We’re glad you’re here with
us.

Sincerely Yours,
Jamie Goodin ’17
Austin Parsons ’17
 DARWIN’S THEORY OF NATURAL
SELECTION CONFIRMED:

SPRINGFEST 2016
Macalester’s annual Springfest brings the Mac Groveland community together for four hours and provides it with a live show to be remembered.
But it’s perhaps best known for the devastating intoxication of its attendees. Students regularly ingest cocktails of substances that no rational human
being would agree to take if they thought about it for more than two seconds. A pair of biology seniors realized the untapped potential for scientific
research sitting in their hands and took to the field to conduct a Darwinian behavioral study. Their results were conclusive: natural selection is very
real.

“Just after arriving at Shaw Field, we found a couple of ‘molly’d up’ students digging pitfalls because the drug made exhuming soil a euphoric
experience,” said Christina Lambert ’16, one of the researchers. “We later found several students trapped in these holes, the loud music drowning
out their cries for assistance. It suggests that these folks were certainly not filling any ecological niches.”

As always, a student had to be transported to the nearest hospital due to a condition known as Advanced Dehydration - a classic case of a lack of
adaptation to the surrounding environment said Tim Park ‘16, another researcher on the team. Park overheard the fascinating phone call from the
student who called 911.

“He started off quite responsibly, checking the terminally inebriated student’s vitals and communicating calmly with the emergency respondent. But
as soon as he was told an ambulance would be coming, he started hounding the operator to replace the vehicle’s wheels with kegs of Miller High Life.
We are still working out what to make of that one, but we felt
that stepping in to help would’ve been bad science,” said Park.

Students were dropping like flies by the time Thundercat took

the stage. According to a draft of the paper written by the
researchers, many were heard slurring “I’m so wavy right now”
just before face planting into the ground. The researchers note
that the resilient students who stayed conscious were likely
able to do so due to significant advantages in their ability to
maximize their rate of useful energy transformation. In other
words, their body could quickly metabolize even the most
heinous mixture of chemicals.

“Their genetic algorithms are impressive,” Lambert said. “Their

propensity to thrive in these kinds of abject circumstances
really speak to the wonders of evolution. If Darwin were here
and somehow not revolted by the behavior of the entire college,
I bet he’d be smiling.”

44
 Brian Rosenberg Spends Entire
Endowment
Terraforming Mars

ST. PAUL, MN--Last October, Macalester College received a gift of an additional three
trillion dollars to its endowment from DeWitt Wallace’s estate. After countless board meetings and
Dickensian misery, President Brian Rosenberg has decided to spend one hundred percent of it on
terraforming Mars.

“This whole ‘No Waste by 2020’ thing is cool, but isn’t everyone is doing that?” Rosenberg
asked in a phone interview from his spacecraft, seemingly uninterested in an answer. “That’s why I
have decided to deliberately modify Mars’s atmosphere, temperature, and topography to make it a
habitable planet for Macalester students.”

In order to show his commitment to the project, Rosenberg has led the charge and actually
launched himself to the Red Planet. And he is adamant that he do it alone.

“If this act of altruism doesn’t get people to stop asking me about my salary or misuse of funds,
I don’t know what will,” Rosenberg said. “I’ve never really understood that line of questioning, but
what I do know is that after three days on Mars, I am confident that I will be able to finish this project
in my lifetime.”

The project poses many logistical difficulties and, as per usual with Macalester events, has
received skepticism from several minor news outlets. But Rosenberg insists that this is the natural
evolution of the college’s place in the world.

“Your business here is still to learn,” Rosenberg said. “It’s just that the ‘here’ will soon be the
fourth planet from the sun.”

5
 AREA MIDDLE SCHOOL JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT TODAY; CALLS IN SICK FROM
STUDENTS

TINYSOTA, MN–After waking up inexplicably horny and in an angsty haze, Westlake Middle
School decided to fake being sick to avoid a long day of dealing with his pain in the ass
students.

Most days of the week, School wakes up, groans for five minutes, yells at his mom to get out
of his room, thinks about masturbating, masturbates, and then finally slides into his black
Quiksilver hoodie. However, today he was just so “done,” he didn’t even have the energy to
groan.

“I’m just over it,” said School while blasting “Wake Me Up Inside” by Evanescence from his P.A.
system. “What do I even need to have kids in me for anyway? Do they all think they’re better
than me or something? I’ve got way more drywall than them; none of them know shit about
drywall.”

On his day off, School says he plans on expressing himself, being himself, just being himself,
and expressing who he is, amongst other forms of self expression. “You can’t make me be
something I’m not, OK?” School exclaimed completely unprompted.

When asked about his drop from a grade B building to a grade C building, School began to pull
tighter on the drawstrings of his black zip up hoodie. “Those grades don’t matter, they don’t
mean anything,” School ejaculated. “Do they think they can just define me with a letter? I’m
so much more than that, I’m a fucking safe environment for student enrichment, inside and
outside of the classroom!”

6
 Giant Can of Natty Ice
BREAKING NEWS: Discovered in Hole.

This photo details the dilapidated landscape of a once great Soviet Union. People would come from all around to gaze into this hole and its
devastating deepness. Upon discovering the giant can, the populous came to worship it as a new deity. Natty Ice became the most imported beverage
in all of Russia. Things were great for many moons. Until the slaughter. Photo by JKOH PHOTO

MURMANSK OBLAST, RUSSIA - This past Wednesday, scientists at the prestigious

Russian branch of the Let’s Look In Some Holes Institute (LLISHI) completed their deepest survey
yet. Granted permission to work with the Kola Superdeep Borehole, an old Soviet Union project,
students were able to explore a really deep hole. Like, the deepest of holes. It’s super deep! What they
discovered really threw them for a loop! At the bottom of the hole they found a giant can of Natty Ice.
Their interests sparked, the students continued to survey the bottom of the hole. By Friday morning
eleven other cans of similar size were uncovered. Gregory Ziglett, the project supervisor, stated that he
believes the cans to be “some kind of ancient twelve-pack.” A few hours and extensive carbon dating
later, Ziglett’s theory was proven to be correct, and it was discovered, that, as he put it, the cans had
been there for a “long-ass time.”
Today, the story has developed even furthered. A giant hand appeared out of the sky and took
all twelve of the Natty Ices. Our reports tell us that a disembodied voice could then be heard echoing
throughout the surrounding areas. Our on the scene report, Derny Ryan, says the voice seemed angry,
saying, “What the hell guys!? I was trying to get those cold, and now you’ve shaken them all up? Not
cool. Not cool. I’m definitely sending most of you to hell. Except for Alexei Popov, dude kills it at beer
pong and I want him for my team.”
There’s only speculation right now on what this phenomenon was, but the Hegemonocle is
staying on the case.
7
 Rejected “Environmentally-Friendly”
Macalester Projects

Off Campus Cookbook

Café Mac foo
d
Ingredients:
Apple Step 1: Apple Step 1: Sneak
Varies in
Ingredients: Step 2: Enjoy
! step 2: Wor
courage to fk up your
1 apple ace the slop
protip: see pa step 3: Enjoy
ge 9 !
n apple
protip: use a
Ramen
Ingredients: Step 1: In a large step 3: Remove water,
cast iron pot over use for bath later
1 pinch expensive a roaring fire, heat
seasonings water until it bubbles step 4: Season well
1 handful finest pasta like the laughter of a for that gourmet
1 cupful water from a happy child effect
mountain stream
step 2: Delicately step 5: Light candles
slide in the pasta, and hire a violin
cook until tender like player for ambience
the heart of a young
maiden step 6: Enjoy!
8
 S N E A K
WAYS TO
F É M A C
INTO CA
Detonate small explosive on Bateman Plaza

Trojan horse

Trojan squirrel

Never leave

Tunnel beneath cc

Parachute from balcony

Pretend to be with facilities, carry a lot of keys with you

Wait until cashier beings marathon of Star Trek: The Next Generation

Seduce cashier

Gather a team of 11 skilled accomplices, over next few weeks create

elaborate plan to rob casino vault, rob casino vault, realize you don’t need
Café Mac, all you want is your wife back

Ask nicely

Climb through the grille

Steal ID of a first year, kill them, get facial reconstruction to look like them, live their
life, you disappear mysteriously, parents never know what happens to you, you can
never reveal your secret until your death bed

Take a job as a food service specialist and dismantle the system from the inside. Feast
on the remains.

9
 MCSG Members Found to be
Embezzling Org Money
Recently, The Hegemonocle went undercover to investigate
the origins of the 20% base cut to all approved student or-
ganization budgets, only to discover that some MCSG mem-
bers have been embezzling thousands of dollars for their own
personal exploits.

Your trusty Hegemonocle Watch-Hogs discovered that

$14,000 of student activity fee funds has been spent on or-
nate, full-length mirrors so that MCSG representatives could
admire their glorious administrative forms. These represen-
tatives have also used funds cut from student organization
budgets to buy personal tape recorders and state of the art
sound systems allowing representatives to hear the auditory
perfection of their own voices going through legislative proce-
dure at all hours.

“You know, confidence is part of being a good leader,” said

first year representative Joey Bard ’19, while stroking his
pectorals and making sensual eye contact with his own reflec-
tion in a gold-framed trumeau mirror. “MCSG thought that
it was in the best interest of the students to foster self-esteem
in their government. Unf, you sexy beast, I move to vote that
you are the most devilishly handsome person on this campus.
The ayes have it!”

The various Checkbook-related budget cuts were also al-

legedly to be used to buy funnels that would allow MCSG
members to indulge in the smells of their own farts. However,
many appeals to these cuts have were successful, much to the
chagrin of various representatives and committee chairs.

Many org leaders around campus have been in an uproar in

light of these budget cuts.

“This is a complete abuse of the system,” said August Blake

’17, leader of Macalester’s Panini Press Awareness Org. “Who
is MCSG to say that we can’t have $6000 dollars for a Bel-
gian chocolate slip-n-slide? They also cut the money for our
Cognac progressive. This is fucking tyranny.”

10
10
Hello students,

I wanted to call your attention to a string of new spam e-mails which have been trashing the
Macalester servers recently. We have sent along a few scam and real e-mails for you to quiz yourself on
to make sure you are up to date on all the latest trends:

REAL:
Hello fellow student i am look 4 house can i sublet w/ u i am cleanish
Increase your tail length and your GPA with this miracle pill!!1!
Hey it’s David Sisk and I need all your passwords
Make up to $500 a week by pretending to be my pet cat (auditions this Monday)

SCAM:
Please turn in your midterm essay, it’s almost May
PACKAGE PICKUP REMINDER
[Dailypiper-l] The Daily Piper for Friday, April 29, 2016
Please Take my Psych Survey so I Can Graduate!

Be sure to stay alert for these dangerous e-mails that you may get, and remember:
ITS staff will ALMOST NEVER ask for your password via email!

David Sisk

WORD BREAKS
ya know, when you break up a big word to make two smaller words. it’s the opposite of how babies are made.

Scarface - scarf ace Catastrophe - cat as trophe

Nowhere - now here Repairman - rep airman

Artscraps - arts craps Notebook - not e-book

Important - import ant Weeknight - wee knight

Appointment - app ointment Budget - bud get

Carpet - car pet Hispanic - his panic

11
 Moah Nondschein
An hour ago
Zhali Tikos

found
on
free &
Mean ScDonald

Mill “MILF” Wilch

April 4 at 2:00pm

for sale
Mill “MILF” Wilch
April 20 at 4:20pm

Mill “MILF” Wilch

Yesterday at 9:00am

Mill “MILF” Wilch

5 minutes ago

12
 Gamie Joodin
Today at 4:20pm

Kydia Larlson
Yesterday at 4:00am

Oanny Dchoa
2 minutes ago

Carah Soleman
1 minute ago

Bvy Iardaglio
Just Now

Pustin Aarsons
Always

13
 J ACK
that

H AM M E R
Lîîk, ²’vå hàmmåråd à lît îf ¼àñk¾ ànd ²’vå ¼àñkåd
à lît îf hàmmår¾. ²’vå båån àrîund thå blîñk, ànd whån ²
wྠdînå ² ¾tuñk à ¼àñkhàmmår ³n thàt blîñk ànd hàmmåråd unt³l thårå wà¾n’t
¼àñk låft ³n ¾³ght. Ðåîðlå hàvå thrîwn îb¾tàñlå¾ ³n mó wàó, ànd ¾urå, ¾îmå îf
thåm ¾lîwåd må dîwn, but whån óîu gåt dîwn tî ³t ànó ¼àñk ñàn bå hàmmåråd
³f óîu ¼u¾t buñklå dîwn ànd råàlló ¼àñk frîm óîur ¾îul. Nîw ¾îmåt³må¾ óîu
màó wànt tî qu³t, óîu màó fåål l³kå óîur hàmmår hྠgînå l³mð ànd thå ¼àñk ³¾
àll ¾hr³vålåd uð, but thàt’¾ whån óîu’vå gîttà ¼àñk thå hàrdå¾t. À lît îf ðåîðlå
à¾k må, “Âut Frànçî³¾, ¾îmåt³må¾ ² ¼u¾t ñàn’t ¾åå thå l³ght àt thå ånd îf thå
tunnål, åvån thîugh ²’vå båån dr³ll³ng ³ntî ³t w³th à ¼àñkhàmmår fîr l³kå, màóbå
4, 5 hîur¾. Dîå¾ ³t råàlló màkå ¾ån¾å tî kååð ¼àñk³ng mó hàmmår ³ntî à hîlå
² ñàn’t åvån ¾åå ³ntî?” Ànd åvåró t³må ² à¾k thåm thå ¾àmå th³ng: “Dî óîu
wànt th³¾?” Íîw hàrd àrå óîu w³ll³ng tî wîrk tî hàmmår thàt ðårfåñt ¼àñk, tî
¼àñk ¾î muñh hàmmår thàt óîu gåt bl³¾tår¾ în óîur ¼àñk¾ ànd blîîd în óîur
hàmmår¾? Yîu màó wànt tî låt ¾îmåînå ål¾å ¼àñk óîur hàmmår ànd tàkå thå
åà¾ó wàó îut, but låt må tåll óîu, ³t’¾ nåvår ྠgîîd. Whån óîu tàkå ñàrå îf
óîur îwn ¼àñk ànd óîur îwn hàmmår, kååð ³t lubr³ñàtåd, kååð ³t ¾turdó, thàt’¾
whån óîu råàlló knîw óîu’vå màdå ³t. Whån óîu hàmmår thàt ¼àñk ¾trà³ght ³ntî
thå ñînñråtå ànd h³t à wàtår mà³n ànd ³t bur¾t¾ àll îvår óîu ànd thå àwå¾truñk
hàlf-nàkåd ñîn¾truñt³în wîrkår¾ wàtñh³ng în, ³t’ll bå thå bå¾t fåål³ng óîu’vå
åvår fålt. Wà³t, fuñk, whàt wྠ² tàlk³ng àbîut? Nî, ¾îrró, ² dîn’t knîw whàt
t³må ³t ³¾. Whî åvån à¾k¾ thàt ànómîrå?

14
9 COMMONLY MISHEARD
SONG LYRICS
1. Hey Jude - The Beatles
-Incorrect Lyrics: “Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better.”
-Correct Lyrics: “Hey Jude, don’t give me the bees. I suffer from hyperglycemia.”

2. Started From the Bottom - Drake

-Incorrect Lyrics: “Started from the bottom now we’re here.”
-Correct Lyrics: “Started from the bottom now my party of four is in the VIP line at Splash
Mountain.”

3. Anaconda - Nicki Minaj

-Incorrect Lyrics: “My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.”
-Correct Lyrics: “Help, my anaconda, thinking they were tapirs, swallowed seventeen light bulbs and
has been hospitalized with mercury poisoning.”

4. Timber - Pitbull (feat. Ke$ha)

-Incorrect Lyrics: “It’s going down, I’m yelling timber. You better move, you better dance.”
-Correct Lyrics: “It’s going down! Do you hear me!? It’s finally going down! My father waited his whole
life for it to go down, and his father before him, and his father before him. At last, it is down and
our family is free from the curse. May my ancestors rest in peace knowing that, praise be, it is
down.”

5. Creep - Radiohead
-Incorrect Lyrics: “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong
here.”
-Correct Lyrics: “I’m tired of ad-creep, I simply will not tolerate it, it’s detrimental to our
contemporary media landscape.”

6. It Wasn’t Me - Shaggy
-Incorrect Lyrics: It wasn’t me.
-Correct Lyrics: It was me. My bad.

7. Come on Eileen - Dexy’s Midnight Runners

-Incorrect Lyrics: “Come on Eileen, oh I swear what he means, at this moment, you mean everything.”
-Correct Lyrics: “Come on Eileen, you’re slowing us down, if we don’t get there by six we’ll never get
a table. This is so fucking typical of you, get your shit together, Eileen.”

8. Mr. Roboto - Styx

-Incorrect Lyrics: “Domo arigato Mr. Roboto.”
-Correct Lyrics: “落語は今から三百年以上前の江戸時代に始まりました。この
時 代にた くさんの人の前でおもしろい話をして、お金をもらう人がいま
した。このおもしろい話 を落語と言い、落語をする人を落語家と言いま
す。落語家は一人でいろいろな声や身ぶ りを使って、おもしろい話をし
ます。今でも落語はとても人気があります。”

9. Nothin’ But a G Thang - Dr. Dre

-Incorrect Lyrics: "Never let me slip 'cause if I slip, then I'm slippin'."
-Correct Lyrics: "Never let me slip 'cause if I slip, then I'm slippin'."
15
 HOW TO WORKOUT
Learning from the Pros

1 Find a time to go to the LC when the sports teams won’t be grunting

in unison as you wheeze and groan over that stitch in your side entire
body.

2 Wear your fancy new workout clothes and those tennis

shoes that were labeled as “totes prime for cross training and
glute stimulation,” whatever that means. Feel overdressed in com-
parison to all the people who are only wearing a tattered t-shirt and
sweats because they’re not here for fashion, they’re here for gainz.
Then feel underdressed in comparison to the people who are wearing
color-coordinated spandex outfits that come in a set and advertise
their sweat wicking capabilities. Great, now you’re gonna be the only
person there who’s sweaty and gainz-less.
3 Freeze. Immediately regret this decision. Consider how easy
it would be to just turn around and tell people you forgot your water
bottle in your other gym bag and then don’t come back. Aw, fuck! You
brought your water bottle with! That’s a no-go. You’re trapped like an
easily-winded rat.

4 Try to walk casually over to the weight racks and appear

like you know what you’re doing. You will probably forget how walk-
ing normally looks. No, you’re swinging your arms too much. Move
your knees, idiot, what is this, marching band? No, too much knees
now. You’ve ruined it. Oh well, you’re at the weight rack.

5 Pick stuff up! Put it back down! Now pick it up again! Put it down
now! Now you should do this until you can’t bear it anymore. Three poorly
executed reps will probably be your limit. Look at your flushed, sweaty
complexion in the mirror and experience first- and second-hand embar-
rassment for yourself.

16
16
 6 Go over to one of those machines. Do you know
how it works? Hell no you don’t. But there are two diagrams of a
beefy lookin’ guy on the side showing you how you’re supposed
to manage this thing without fucking up your entire skeletal
structure beyond repair. Google how you would use this
thing using a vague description of the machine because
you do not know what it is called. Scroll until you find a
picture of the machine in question, or at least you think
that’s it? Find the same two static images of the same guy,
but this time sections of his muscular system are colored red
and they’re labeled. What are those parts? Do you have those? Hell
if you know. Wait, biceps, you know those things. Time to get ripped in the
areas highlighted by the diagram.
7 Begin to use your muscles, then realize that the weight is set much too high for your baby hummingbird-
like physique. Set the weight to the third lowest setting and try again. Oh nope that’s too much still. Set it to the
lowest weight.

8 Get off that machine now, feeling what you think is maybe the beginning of buffness acquisition. Now go
over to the treadmills. You know what the treadmills are from all those hilarious videos you’ve seen of people
trying to run on them at the highest speed and then tripping and flying off. Get on and set it at a steady walking
pace. Walk a little bit and realize that you’ve probably been walking wrong your whole life. Set it at a casual jog.
You’re jogging! Good job. Oh, wait, no, now you’re wheezing. You take your headphones out because you need
to be able to gauge how loud your raspy panting is because you’re concerned people will think you’re having a
medical emergency if you don’t keep it in check.

9 Feel like your respiratory system is on fire. Oh god, your throat mucus is thickening. This is just like the
mile run in middle school all over again. You try to hack up some of your throat mucus but you’re gasping inward
for air at the same time and you start to choke on aforementioned mucus. Get off the treadmill and suddenly
realize through the tears streaming down your face from the intense coughing fit that your knees feel awful.

10 Overhear somebody behind you mention to his buddy that “Cardio kills your pump, bro”. Ah shit! Your
pump! You wonder what a pump is while cursing your naiveté. Decide you’ve had enough gym for the day and go
home.

11 Feel proud. Toss your workout gear in the hamper and take a shower, relishing the endorphins that you
will completely forget about when you wake up the next morning and feel like you have been thoroughly run
over by a bus full of other busses. Think about what kind of exercises you’ll do tomorrow.

12 Take 28 rest days in a row. Repeat from step 1. 17 17

 A comprehensive
analysis of the
similarities and
differences between
people who menstruate
and werewolves

1. Something happens to each group once a month

2. They can get angry and/or hungry during that time

3. Neither was born experiencing their symptoms

4. Both would probably die if shot with a silver bullet

Don’t fall in love with me. I will use

dark magic to turn every outlet in
your house upside down, and it’ll be
confusing at first, but eventually
you’ll get used to it and you won’t
even mind. But then you’ll go to a
party at a home that is not your
own, and they’ll ask you to plug
in the speakers and you will be
confused and initially position
the plug the wrong way. You will
be embarrassed. Don’t fall in love
with me.
1818
 Hot New Subreddits:

r/helpimdyingofheatexhaustinon
Not the liveliest new subreddit, but very popular with the growing community of those currently dying of heat exhaustion.

r/forresttrump
­The­only­subreddit­for­fans­of­Forrest­Gump,­Donald­Trump­crossover­fanfiction.­Forrest­Trump­runs­for­president,­then­wins­
but just keeps running, prompting his confused staffers to appoint VP Lt. Ivanka Dan to the presidency. Forrest also bankrupts
a shrimp company after borrowing 200 million dollars from his parents.

r/isthisdogdeadorjustreallyold
A subreddit designed to answer the age old question: hey, is that old dog sitting next to its equally old owner dead, or just
extremely old? A favorite amongst dog lovers and dog haters alike.

r/flags
­Just­flags.

r/paulblartmallcopchangedmylife
­This­subreddit­provides­a­platform­for­all­those­touched­by­the­performance­of­Kevin­James­in­the­first­Paul Blart Mall Cop film­
to share their experiences and form a community. It’s mostly dick pics though.

r/thatsnotyourfather
People post pictures of themselves along with older men and receive free, completely unfounded paternity tests from lonely
strangers. He’s never their father.

r/wedemboyzbutnotdemboyz
The perfect subreddit for those who are dem boyz, but not dem particular boyz represented in Wiz Khalifas
magnum opus. This community is the solution to a problem that has plagued dem boyz all across America for years.

WHY BAGELS ARE

GREAT
Good source of carbs Becomes deadly blunt instrument when stale
Can be sweet or savory Spongy texture soaks up tears
Acceptable to eat any time of day More exciting than bread, less intense than doughnut
Gives cream cheese a reason to exist Can be enjoyed plain or with an assortment of toppings
You can tear it in two and use half as a pretend phone Your cousin said it was a good representation of what a vagina
Impromptu hockey puck actually looked and felt like
19
 My Speed Dating Notes
1. Make eye contact, just like your mother told you to, albeit not so aggressively.
a. Maintain eye contact even though she looks uncomfortable.
i. Keep maintaining eye contact until you feel weird about it.

2. Look down at your lap for the remaining two minutes.

a. Ignore her when she asks if you are okay, all while wishing you were back at your mom’s place.
b. Keep looking down even when the bell rings.

3. Don’t get up until the man leading the event comes over and tells you that you have to move over to the
next table.
a. Fantasize about fighting this man who came over and had the gall to tell you what to do.
i. Just get up and do what he says.

4. While moving over to the next table trip over your own shoelaces.
a. When rushing to the ground think about how your mom told you this would
happen if you left your shoes untied.
b. Hit the ground. Hard.

5. Try not to cry.

a. Try not to cry.
i. I swear, if you cry-
1. Cry a lot.

6. Before getting up, wipe the tears off your face. That way no one will know that you were crying.

7. Repeat, “I’ve got this,” to yourself under your breath.

8. Finally, make your way over to the next table.

9. Try to ignore the stares.

a. You can do this.
i. You’ve got this.
1. Oh no, everybody’s looking at you.

10. Stare at your lap for the full five minutes this time.
a. But the next table will be different, you’re sure of it.

20
20
11. Stand straight up as soon as the bell rings.

12. Rush over to the next table.

13. Engage in pleasant conversation, like the kind in all those dramas you watch.

14. She will ask you what you do for work. Lie.
a. Tell her one of the following:
i. You are a businessman.
ii. You are an owner of a small business.
iii. You are a superhero.
1. Actually, not this one.
iv. You are an engineer.
b. Under no circumstances can you let her know what you are currently unemployed.
i. Or that you live at your mom’s house.

15. Lie even more when she asks what a day on the job is like.

16. Realize you’re in too deep and just answer everything with a lie.

17. Feel the weight of all of your lies pushing down on you.

18. Feel sick.

19. Sprint to the bathroom.

a. Thankfully you ran track in high school.

20. Throw up in the toilet.

a. You don’t remember eating that much peanut butter.

21. Try not to cry.

a. Try not to cry.
i. I swear, if you cry-
1. Cry a lot.

22. Call your mom on the phone and ask to be picked up.

23. Go home and take a nap.

24. Repeat this next week.

2121
 SPRING 2016

SENIOR Political Science

CAPSTONES Russian Studies
WHERE THE FUCK IS
THE RISE-ENBERG OF
ROSENBERG:
EVERYONE?: Macalester’s shift towards an
Yelling Russian into the Void authoritarian regime

Environmental
Science
GO GREEN: How loudly one
needs to yell at someone to
get them to use fewer paper
towels in public restrooms Geography
NAH, HAGUE IS FOR History
SHUUUUR THIS WAY: THAT’S DEFINITLY MOLD:
THE ART The art of making maps while A multicultural analysis of the
OF drunk origins of what is in my fridge
TITLES

English Literature
THE ART OF TITLES:
An investigation of
self-referentiality
Psychology
SNIFF SNIFF:
Social effects of smelling your
Classics
PORTRAITS OF POWER:
hand in public and then looking From Plato to Palpatine
concerned but intrigued
Math
SORRY TO REMIND YOU:
The Calculus of your student
debt

Computer
Creative Writing
Science TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE:
Neuroscience YOU CAN REPLY ALL TO A modernist novella chronicling
“WHY DON’T YOU CALL MORE THE DAILY PIPER!: the struggle between needing
OFTEN”: Crashing and fixing to urinate and staying in bed
Neurological patterns of being Macalester’s servers
22 guilted by grandma
 Signatures

g a
Give your do
! ;)
kiss from me

G re et i n g
s f ro m M
a rs!

A . G . S .
H.
 HEGEPERLATIVES

LYDIA KARLSON IVY BARDAGLIO TOM WAKIN

Most likely to have Milch on her Most likely to have a name that’s Most likely to show up blazed to
couch every night also a plant all meetings

AUSTIN PARSONS ANTHONY GRANAI JAMIE GOODIN

Most likely to drop out of college Most likely to intimidate you Most likely to start a yarn
to become a clown while wearing jean shorts buisness

NOAH MONDSCHEIN LIAM DOWNS-TEPPER SEAN McDONALD

Most likely to start an org after Most likely to end up on a no-fly Most likely to be a gecko farmer
running out of orgs to join list

SARAH COLEMAN DANNY OCHOA WILL MILCH

Most likely to buy a used Honda Most likely to be in a video with Most likely to fall asleep on
Accord his grandmother and hate it Lydia’s couch every night