e he ge mon ocl e t u r n

t h s
t e n
Vol. 20 Founded in 2008-2009 issue 1
 The Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 20, Issue 1
Spring 2019
The Tenth Anniversary Edition

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Edward Taketomo ’19
Sophie Hannauer ’19

EDITORIAL
Managing Editor
Maeghan Sullivan ’20

Head Writer
Caleb Driker-Ohren ’19

Radio Editors
*Zoe Berkovitz '20
Lidija Namike '21

DESIGN
Head of Production
Will Milch ’19
Neck of Production
Lidija Namike ‘21

STAFF
Coat Rack ’99 Ben Townsend ‘20 Rennie DiCarlo ‘22
Justin Chen ‘19 Autumn Campbell ‘21 Baxter Gordon ‘22
Ian Gorrell-Brown ‘19 Austin Jesko ‘21 Jared Jageler ‘22
Erik Knisely ‘19 Jordan Schwed ‘21 Sophia Vischer ‘22
Roland Munsil ‘19 Ethan Shaw ‘21 Niko Bjork ‘22
Isaac Ward ‘19 Kate Sibila ‘21
* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS
Boots that look like they’re for snow but aren’t
President Brian Rosenberg for his financial sacrifices
Those weird cylinder brush snow shovelers
Health & Wellness reducing waitlists from two months to just one
Filthy, dirty slush water in the street

Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us: The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four-ish
[email protected] Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. times per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
All content, except what we’ve stolen
@hegemonocle 1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
facebook.com/hegemonocle Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. Hegemonocle, 2019.
Happy Birthday to us!

That’s right Macalester, we’re celebrating 10 years of solid mediocrity. You

thought our jokes were juvenile before -- well you’re in for a pre-pubescent treat.
An extra special, tenth anniversary, more outstanding content than ever, just for
you issue of The Hegemonocle!

In honor of our 10th birthday, we’ve curated the best humor our staff could come
up with, and put it all in this extra long issue. Gone are the 9-year old poop jokes
of yore: soon, you will experience the early middle school angst of bad graphic tees
from Hot Topic, selling gum in homeroom, and going to the mall just to walk around.

We have improved over the last ten years! Our very first issue contained, and
we’re not kidding here, three different spellings of Hegemonocle. And we don’t
actually know which one they meant to be the actual one, so we’ve been winging it
ever since. If spelling your own name correctly isn’t a sign of maturity, we don’t
know what is.

What will the next ten years of The Hegemonocle bring? Who knows. Maybe the
whole magazine will be written by AI. Maybe we’ll have to shut down as print jour-
nalism becomes even less profitable. Maybe we’ll take over The Mac Weekly once
and for all. Or maybe Jeff Bezos will buy us out. As a wise man once said, the only
constant in life is change.

Yet this moment of celebration is also bittersweet. We regret to inform you that
this will be our last issue as co-editors in chief before we turn over the magazine
to fresh meat. This issue is our baby, our Y2K, our swan song, our farewell opus.
We know you’ll enjoy it. And we know whoever comes next will probably be at least
mediocre. But they probably won’t create anything as good as this.

And with that, we’ll sign off. With double digits comes double the responsibility.
And we promise that we will only shirk that responsibility some of the time.

Cheers to The Hege!

Sophie Hannauer and Edward Taketomo

Co-Editors in Chief
isidewith.com: Macalester Edition
With the announcement that President Brian Rosenberg will not run for
re-election as President of Macalester in 2020, a wide range of candi-
dates have tossed their names in the ring for the presidency. The Hege is
here to help you make sense of all the diverse candidates running:

Max the Cat

• Wants to increase the size of the library
• Former lobbyist for Big Pharma
• Has little to no respect for authority
• Lives in North Carolina
• Pisses wherever the fuck he wants

That Cow That Got Stuck In the Library

• Wants to implement Meatless Mondays at
Cafe Mac
• Police records indicate a history of arson
while living in Chicago
• Inability to go down stairs presents a
unique logistical challenge
• Four stomachs

Mac the Scot

• Will protect and expand the rights of mascots
at Macalester College
• Has fascist tendencies
• His ability to only make muffled noises makes
his public speaking abilities questionable

Walter Mondale
• Took a big fat L in the 1984 election
• Macalester is in Minnesota, the only state Mon-
dale won in 1984
• Did we mention that he lost the 1984 election
to Ronald Reagan 13-525 electoral votes?
 Dupre is Cancelled.
The Hegemonocle is proud to be the only
news source reporting on Macalester’s new plan
to renovate Dupre. For years, students have been
pressuring Macalester to fix their crumbling dorms
and be more sustainable, so the college decided to
kill two birds with one very ugly building.
RHD Pat Herboub sat down with The
Hegemonocle to discuss the new plans. “Right now,
we’re planning on making every dorm room the
size of a music locker so that we can fit all 1,000
of next year’s freshman class into one building.
This gives students ample room for a Twin XS bed,
a bottle of the cheapest vodka you can buy, and a
single pen. We’re still looking at options, but rest
assured that singles will be no larger than 5 cubic
feet, and doubles no larger than 5.2 cubic feet. Is
this technically a violation of human rights? No
comment.” Other “additions” to the new Dupre will include replacing all showers with
a single bathtub, and the elimination of all laundry rooms. Students are suggested to
either bring their laundry home, wash their clothes in the snow, or sneak into GDD like
everyone else.
When The Hegemonocle ambushed him as he was taking out the trash, Brian
Rosenberg stated the following. “Look, if we want to reach #zerowaste by 2020, and be
#carbonneutral by 2025, we’re gonna have to make some sacrifices. Since you guys can’t
separate your fucking compost from your trash, we have to consider other options. By
turning Dupre into even more of a living hell, Macalester will cut 100 tons of carbon
emissions, and save around $900 per year. Thanks to these savings, we’re proud to
announce that every Turck
dorm room will receive a
second sink.”
Macalester currently
has no plans for Freshman
housing while Dupre is
being demolished from
January 24th through May
16th. FEMA has been alerted
to the situation, and is
planning on arriving in late
April.
 NEWS AROUND CAMPUS
This past week Macalester students were able to see their first bigots out in
the wild. Rumor has it that the protesters weren’t from anywhere fancy like Westboro
Baptist Church, but instead were some small-potatoes bigots who wanted to do
something on their day off. And, in a classic President’s Day tradition, they decided
to dust off their homophobic signs and grace our campus with their presence. “Like, I
obviously hated what they did, but, like, I am not that productive on my days off...I’m
a little jealous,” said a Macalester junior who obviously wanted to stay anonymous for
this interview. “Of course, I’m disgusted with their anti-LGBT behavior, but, like, I kind
of respect their gumption.” They also wanted us to tell you that they are very gay and
have gay friends, so please don’t go after them.
“Of course, while we were all disgusted with their behavior and beliefs, it was
kind of nice to not have to go too far to protest hate. I got to do some chants on my
way to lunch, it was really convenient,” says another anonymous sophomore. “Like,
I never have time to go to any rallies or protest most of the year, but today I really
feel like I made a difference, you know… Who knew protesting could be so fun!” In
response to the positive reaction from students, admissions is considering inviting
some alt-right white supremacists to campus during orientation, so first-years can
get some social justice and self-importance training without having to leave the Mac
Bubble.

Alumni suggests Alfred Craig ‘69 has a list of demands for the college
after recent rebranding:
reverting back to - Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner exclusively in the Alexander
Old Times G. Hill ballroom*
- Bring back the Macalester orange
- More cows
- Fewer flags
- The war, the perilous war
- More rotary phones so he can call home
- Ambrosia salad
- More bomb shelters
- More keys
- Bring back “abstinence”
- Sexy bag filled with bibles
- Butter Churning required class
- Undo Dupre renovations from 1990s
- Make Dupre the only dorm on campus
- Bring J. Huntley Dupre back to life
- Marry J. Huntley Dupre
- Live in Dupre Hall with J. Huntley Dupre in Hall Office
- Worse weed

*This statement was retracted after exposure to “Harry Potter

Beyonce Kagin”
 THE INCOMING CLASS OF 2023
The incoming class of 2023 is predicted to be one big sports team. As per the request
of high ranking administrators, the Macalester admissions office has been working to
reject or kindly defer anyone who isn’t currently playing a high school sport and willing
to play that sport for Macalester.

“I just think it’s great that we’re going to have a whole class where no one is a weak-
ling–strong semi-tall people. I can see it now. Just imagine–blue backpacks everywhere,
each one with the name of a sport sewn onto the backside. Just close your eyes and
imagine the non-stop wet puff sound that you hear when someone squeezes one of
those reusable gatorade bottles, it’s just so great.” President Brian Rosenberg informed
reporters with a big toothy smile. “We don’t need any more weak people than we
already have,” President Rosenberg said with a sharp frown. “Frail and meek, unwilling
to buy my Macalester apparel and wear it every day of their lives,” President Rosenberg
said, grinding his teeth in an almost involuntary fashion, with glaring hot, stern eyes that
looked straight through the interviewer. “If I see one more nose piercing, or a damned
“Fjall Crow”–”Bird”–whatever those goddamned Danish backpacks are called, I’m go-
ing to– I’m going to–!” “–Mr. Rosenberg! Your nose! It’s bleeding!” Our interviewer was
forced to interrupt. President Rosenberg dabbed his fingers at his nostrils, looked at the
apparent blood and then at the interviewer.

“Not that it’s bad to be like, you know, physically weak or like, even a “nerd” or any-
thing, it’s just kind of like, I don’t know–it’s hard for me to take someone seriously if
they’re not playing a sport.” Rosenberg chuckled, wiping his nose with a handkerchief.
Upon talking more about the incoming class, we noticed President Rosenberg was shuf-
fling and fidgeting in his chair. Upon inquiry, he had this to say: “I can’t hold it back any
longer, there are huge announcements to be made, huge. I don’t know if this is the right
place to do this, but I’ll be the uncle of the murderer from Poe’s “The Tell-Tale-Heart”
before I keep silent at this point.” He said giggling. “I am proud to announce that we
will be bulldozing Old Main to make way for the newest Econ building. That’s not all,
we will be constructing a brand new winterized skyway that leads directly to the Leon-
ard Center from each facility–I’m not finished, from now on, us jocks will eat first at
Cafe Mac. There will be one enormous round table that will take up all of Cafe Mac East
for us jocks to eat at, everyone else must eat at puny, little square tables.” President
Rosenberg smiled. “Many, many more updates are to come,” he assured reporters.
 President Trump Reaches 100 days
Frolfing Since Taking Office
When President Trump returns to the White House on Monday from a weekend at his Mar-
a-Lago Resort in Palm Beach, Florida, he will have spent a total of 100 days frolfing since taking
office. To put that in perspective, it took Barack Obama until his seventh year as president to
spend just 50 days away from the White House participating in disc-based competitions. George
W. Bush spent his whole first term learning how to throw a backhand and Ronald Reagan spent
only 12 days frolfing while in office, and only 40 total on vacation. The estimated expenditure
of taxpayer money on President Trump’s outings include over $300,000 in transportation costs,
$75,000 on MAGA
discs, $10,000 on
disc wax, $6,000
Tubby Chris has the WORST scoober--Terrible that he
on rolling papers, represented the great people of New Jersey. He even
and $5,200 on makes Poopy Newt Gingrich look like a decent frolf-
tiny eraserless er. Would put a wall around the two of them if we had
scorekeeping enough material to stretch that far!
pencils. Ex-Governor
Chris Christie (R-New
Jersey) called Trump
a “hard working
man who happens
to enjoy America’s
favorite pastime”
after a recent day
the two of them
spent frolfing and
slacklining along the The president on hole 7 of his favorite Frolf I have a very big disc.Probably bigger than even Shaq
Jersey Shore. course O’neil’s if I am being honest. I like to wax it sometimes
and dress it up as a little Russian schoolboy. His name is
All of this comes Pavel and he loves Rocky Road Ice Cream!
on the heels of a frolf-ladened visit by the Saudi
Crown Prince to Washington. In fact, the number
of days Trump will have spent on vacation
frolfing only account for a percentage of the
total days he has frolfed while in office. He has
spent at least a few dozen days with other world
and domestic leaders “getting work done on
the course.” Shinzo Abe, through a translator,
called Trump’s forehand “an absolute bitch to
deal with. The man can fling ‘em like he’s a virile
buck.”
Trump has been reluctant to discuss his time Enough with vicious Dem-attacks labeling
hardoworking STEM professionals as Christian
out of office but did at one point hint at bringing
Scientists! You wouldn’t call someone a Jewish
disc golf to Yemen and other “yucky places” as Doctor or a Mormon Pedophile. LOL Tubby Chris
a way to “heal the obesity crisis, or whatever it is just broke the hammock he was sitting in!
they’re dealing with over there.” A small group
of well-wishers are expected to welcome the
president back on Monday.
 MIL
K
2019
Price of a gallon of milk: $3.05 Price of a gallon of milk: $3.40

Price of a gallon of gas: $2.56 Price of a gallon of gas: $2.31

Top Song: Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas Top Song: God’s Plan by Drake

Price of a pack of cigarettes: $5.32 Price of a pack of cigarettes: $8.10

Twin Cities Population: 3.3 Million Twin Cities Population: 3.6 million

Richest person in the world (Monetary): Bill Gates Richest person in the world (Monetary): Jeff Bezos
(pre-divorce)

President of the United States: Barack Obama President of the United States: Donald J. Trump

President of Macalester College: Brian Rosenberg President of Macalester College: Brian Rosenberg

Most disappointing Mac Alumni: Walter Mondale Most disappointing Mac Alumni: Walter Mondale (still)

The general public’s consensus opinion on Kanye West: The general public’s consensus opinion on Kanye West:
He’s a good rapper, but wow he really screwed up the oh no OH NO
Taylor Swift VMAs thing, this is the low point of his career

Taylor Swift’s Boyfriend, 2009: Taylor Lautner Taylor Swift’s Boyfriend, 2019: “I’m sorry, the old Taylor
can’t come to the phone right now” “Why?” “Oh,
‘cause she’s dead!”

Economic crisis: yes Economic crisis: probably

Number of forks available at Cafe Mac during dinner: Number of forks available at Cafe Mac during dinner:
Zero Zero

Amount of Hegemonocles: 1 Amount of Hegemonocles: still 1

 Which ‘Lil Pump’ Lyric Best
Describes Your Personality?
Aries: Gucci gang Aquarius: Yeah, yeah, ooh, brr,
Taurus: Gucci gang yeah, ooh, wow, yeah, yeah, ooh,
ooh
Gemini: Gucci gang
Pisces: Gucci gang
Cancer: (yuh)
Leo: Gucci gang
Virgo: Gucci gang
Libra: Gucci gang
Scorpio: Gucci gang
Sagittarius: Gucci gang
Capricorn: Gucci gang

Bezos’ Reach Settlement in Divorce Proceedings

Following last month’s announcement that Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos (nee Tuttle) would be divorcing after 25
years of marriage, much speculation circled around a supposed prenuptial contract with upwards of 130 billion
dollars at stake. Would MacKenzie suddenly become the world’s wealthiest woman? Would Jeff lose his title as
world’s wealthiest man? Well, on Saturday we found out through a spokesperson that the couple had agreed
on a settlement. Each parent will retain joint custody of their four children and MacKenzie will be awarded a
free Amazon Prime Membership as well as an extended free trial of Amazon TV. “I couldn’t be happier,” said
Tuttle. “Actually, catch me in 48 hours or less when my vibrator arrives.”
 WHAT IS THIS, YOU ASK?

Introducing the Haryarmulke™, by Haryarmulke LTD

On the first day, God created the Earth. In 1821, Christian Friedrich
Ludwig Buschmann created the harmonica. However it took until
the year of our lord 2019 to realize the untapped market of the
Haryarmulke™. What is the Haryarmulke™, you ask? Do you know
what a harmonica is? Do you know what a yarmulke is? Well, we taped
them together. Now you can… play harmonica on a yarmulke. Think
of all the… time you will save? Things you can do? I haven’t really
thought out the full use-cases for the Haryarmulke™ but we expect the
Haryarmulke™ to make up 70% of the yarmulke market by 2025. We
have already partnered with 100 instagram influencers and we have
reached hundreds of potential customers. Billy Joel, famous for that
song with the piano and harmonica, has decided to be our celebrity
brand ambassador on a 3 year contract of $10 million. Order your
Haryarmulke™ today at [email protected].
 Facilities
Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities
services employee or public safety
officer for the following reason:
Work Status: Work order was completed

orders Notes: Oh you dirty, dirty boy. Did you really think I wouldn’t find
those magazines of yours while I was fixing your curtains? Maybe

put on
you wanted to be found out, maybe it turns you on to know that I
know your secret. Is that how you get off you naughty boy?

my Dupre Signed: ;)
Date: 69/69/69

Triple Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services

employee or public safety
Your room/office was recently officer for the following reason:
entered by a facilities
services employee or public
safety Status: Work order incomplete; will return
officer for the following
reason: Notes: Upon entering the room the Public Safety Officer determined she
was not properly equipped to slay the fell beast lurking under the bed, its
dread talons too long and sharp, its horrible spittle far too venomous for
Status: Other mere human flesh to withstand. Will return with appropriate weapons.

Notes: I entered the room to find

you in the midst of a furious Signed: Amelia
masturbation session. I tried to Date: 02/08/1011
come back 4 times but every time I
entered there you were, jackin’ it.
Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities
Signed: Richard services employee or public safety
officer for the following reason:
Date: If all you’re ever doing is
whacking it does it really matter Status: Other
what the date was?
Notes: The smell, oh god the smell. It hit me like a tsunami
when I came in. It was like a cross bet ween a fine French
goat cheese and the smell of someone dying. As I stepped
inside your door I accidentally tripped over a bottle of what I
assume was formaldehyde. Now everything I own smells like
formaldehyde. I don’t know what kind of depraved shit you’re
doing in there but I’m not cleaning it up.

Signed: *vomiting noises*

Date: Some time before the haunting smell of your room left me
incapable of feeling happiness.
Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities
Your room/office was recently
services employee or public safety
entered by a facilities services
officer for the following reason:
employee or public safety
officer for the following
Status: Work Order Completed
reason:
Notes: While fixing your heating I took the liberty of also fixing Status: Other
your wall by taking down that shit you probably think of as art.
I mean, les demoiselles d’avignon? Really? If you’re going to go for Notes: We can’t fix the soda fountain
a cubist aesthetic you could at least hang some Ferdinand Léger that you CLEARLY stole from Cafe
or Juan Gris, show people you actually fucking know something Mac, shame on you.
about art instead of being a faux sophisticated jackass. Grow up.
Signed:Sean
Date: 10/11/18
Signed: trou du cul prétentieux
Date: Oh, I bet you think time is real too.
Your room/office was
recently entered by
Your room/office was recently entered by a a facilities services
facilities services employee or public safety employee or public
officer for the following reason: safety
officer for the following
Status: other reason:
Status: Just getting Started
Notes: “room swarming with crabs” determined
not to be a euphemism, matter deferred to animal
Notes: Sorry a pipe burst
control.
and you and your belongings
Signed: Gerald were sprayed with gallons of
scalding water. It’s your fault
Date: 09/9/18
for decidingto live in Dupre
anyway, what did you think
Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services was going to happen? This
employee or public safety place is a certifiable shit-hole.
officer for the following reason:
Signed: Bill
Date: 3/1/19
Status: Work Order Completed
Notes: When I entered the lounge I saw before me a scene of merriment.
Children of all shapes and sizes frolicked joyfully under the gaze of LED
lights and non religious festive decorations that adorned the room. I
chuckled as I wrenched open the door, savoring the work ahead of me.
“Your festivities offends my master, the mighty and powerful hall
manager” I boomed as I began to tear all symbols of happiness from the
public space. The children wept, begging me not to proceed, but their pleas
fell upon deaf ears. One even tried to fight me, but was easily destroyed.
Signed: Kyle the decimator
Date: The coldest, darkest night of winter.
 First Year Writes a Poem
Late last night by the dying light of Dupre 573’s desk lamp, under the tendrils of his wilting bam-
boo, Damon Hurst ‘22 sat. He looked longingly out at the median, at the cosmopolitan first years
with their marijuana cigars and watered down vodka, and then back at his bed above him, his desk
in front of him, his Dark Side of the Moon tapestry wilting on the wall like the plant he had tried so
hard to nurse back to health. He exhaled, overwhelmed with his own depth. Tired of the loneliness.
Tired of the yearning. He scrolled through the Mac Daily, past the smiling soulless econ majors
visiting the Federal Reserve and the Wilderness First Aid workshop only charlatans would attend.
Damon felt that familiar rumbling in his loins and checked to see whether his roommates were
asleep. They were not. Damon masturbated anyway, to a picture of himself from the eighth grade,
but found no relief. And so, by the dying light in his prison of a room, in his prison of a life, with the
soulful angsty teen rage hormonal new age creative pain and isolated social gain game to motivate
him, Damon channeled his rage into creative passion. In a dizzying fit he pulled out his moleskine
journal and wrote a poem. With words like meander, pensive, homunculus, gelid, verdant, capri-
cious, weep, mongoose, bower, and limpid, Damon crafted his scene. He cried a single tear. Damon
wrote a poem and cried a single tear. And then, Damon masturbated atop the printed page and
submitted it to Chanter.

Chanter Responds

Dear Damon,

Thank you for your sticky submission to Macalester’s longest running student-run literary magazine.
We are Macalester’s longest running student-run magazine. This is Chanter. We are Chanter.

As each year passes and the blossoms turn to dust and sow themselves again, our popularity swells
like the banks of a fertile river. Our power on this campus rivals the Babylonian Kings. Our presence
seeps deep into the Weyerhauser Catacombs and manifests in our puppet ruler ‘President’ Brian
Rosenberg. We rule with swift justice, not compassion, nor tolerance for STEM majors. And as we
are the keepers of this realm, it is our duty to refine and present the greatest artistic creations this
campus has to offer. This year we shattered our previous record for number of submissions. We re-
ceived almost eight whole submissions. So you will understand when we inform you that the mastur-
batory drivel you call poetry did not make the cut. Best of luck in all that you do. We will be watching.

- Chanter Staff
 a poem.

My capricious thoughts meander like—a gelid

river,
turgid with tasks and poems to
write. And the verdant forest
of my heart weeps for the lovers
I have lost and the friends
whom I alienated with my great intelligence.

Jesus knows no pain like I know.

I am the mongoose. But the mongoose dies in winter, Dies in winter

at the banks of the river, dipping its paws to collect
all of the humdrum conundrums stuck in its head. In a reverie I return
to my glory and comfort under the bower of thorns and pines. People
will love me,
one day—I know it. And then,
you will See. how great I am.

There came once a homunculus, in a feverdream. He told me

You are the prophet. Do not bend your knee to the brainwashed masses.

You are the prophet, he said. And it has been cold and pensive
In my heart ever since.
 YE OLDE CHUCKLEBUCKET
(from the archives)
Hot
HotTrends
Trendson onCampus
Campus
This
ThisMonthMonth
Eating dinner between hours of 5 pm and 7:30 pm
In a recent campus wide survey, a surprising 98 percent of students interviewed said that, on days that they
eat dinner, they tend to consume their evening meal between the hours of 5 pm and 7:30 pm. The
psychology department is conducting a study to determine what particular traits are shared in common between
college students that could be causing this behavioral trend – early results are attributing the trend to
prolonged exposure to cell phone radiation.
Wearing shoes to class
If you look around in any of your classes, you’ll notice that most of your classmates will be wearing shoes.
It is unclear why so many people have been wearing shoes when the college doesn’t have a mandatory
policy to wear shoes to class, but there seems to be a correlation between wearing shoes and a desire to have
warm feet. Last Thursday Kyle Stapleton forgot to put on shoes as he left his dorm room to go to class and
noticed that the walk from Dupre to Olin Rice was a particularly painful experience. During class he was
seen massaging his feet on his desk, prompting stares from his classmates. All of his classmates were wearing
shoes.
Saying “I found it interesting” in casual conversations
After hearing the phrase ceaselessly in the classroom, students taking mainly discussion based classes have
been heard using the phrase all around campus. Last week Matt Johnson, an anthropology major, was heard
saying to Lauren Kim, “I found it interesting to see you in Café Mac yesterday, I haven’t seen you in ages!
I’d find it interesting to see you at the soccer game tonight.” Kim, a history major, replied that it would
indeed be interesting to go to the game later, and that she found it interesting to see that Johnson’s fly was
undone.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer at parties
It turns out that the majority of students on campus go to parties because they really enjoy the taste of beer,
not because they have any desire to get drunk. Recent partygoers have confessed that all they really want at
parties are in depth conversations, with a mild level of grooving to softly played music on the side, with a
smooth non-alcoholic brew nestled in their hand. Partygoers preferring mixed drinks over beer have noticed
that they get pretty much the same taste by forgoing the vodka from their mixed drinks. “No, you’ve got it
all wrong, nobody likes those non-alcoholic things, they only ever want the hard stuff,” frequent partygoer
Jade Fuller said sarcastically. “No, I’m not being sarcastic, people come to parties just to get wasted out of
their minds,” she added, also sarcastically.

Doing homework on Saturdays

Students have realized that trying to cram all their work in on Sundays has become far too stressful, prompting
some students to start thinking outside the box and commence their work a “ridiculous” two full days
before their next classes. The idea has been described both as “ludicrous” and “crazy,” but since students who
have been trying it are seeing their amount of work completed on weekends almost double, the trend is slowly
catching on. This has also led the way for another new trend: students who would have normally spent all day
Saturday unconscious are choosing to spend some of the day awake.
 PUBLISHED FALL 2009
Bunnies
Despite freezing temperatures and in utter disregard to any common sense they may have, if indeed any, bunnies
have still been seen scampering around campus. It appears that year after year the campus bunnies are
making riskier and riskier winter time decisions, such as staying out in the cold too long, jumping into traffc
on roads at nighttime, excessive cases of the munchies and breaking into dorm rooms and stealing stashes of
weed. The latter has been given as a possible reason for the other strange behavioral habits. Students have
been wondering why the bunnies are behaving like this rather than just doing “whatever the hell bunnies usually
do during the winter.”
Winter clothing
Thick coats and warm gloves have suddenly become the hottest fashion items on campus, a trend that has
been attributed by some to the gradual decline in temperatures and general “wintry” weather we have been
having lately. There has been particularly intense competition over scarves, some students returning to their
rooms periodically throughout the day just to change their scarf to stay on top of the latest fashion trends. Stu-
dents who have not chosen to follow the winter clothing trend have noted side effects such as shivers, runny
noses, frostbite and general overall discomfort.
Celibacy
The act of not having sex has continued to be a strong trend on campus, gaining an all-time record number of
followers. The trends of talking about sex and lying about having sex have risen, but the actual act of having
sex has been an almost absent from dorm life. The trend has caused relief to roommates who would otherwise
spend most weekends perpetually sexiled, and has led followers to get a lot more of their work done, often on
Saturdays.
Ignoring people on campus
Rather than giving their usual awkward “hey” or wave of the hand when walking past friends and acquaintances,
most Macalester students are either turning their head the other way or flat out ignoring everyone they
walk past. At first, it was commonly ex-classmates, Café Mac student workers and orientation group members
being ignored, but the trend has spread to current classmates, neighbors and even best friends. At least
that what I’ve been noticing lately; maybe it’s just me, it could be because I’ve been following the next trend
pretty heavily…
Showering maybe once a week
As the weather’s gotten colder, people are becoming less willing to expose all of their skin at one time, often
refraining from doing so for days on end. Those same people shudder when imagining standing on the cold
tiles of the bathroom floor as they wait for the water coming from the shower head to get warm, and dread the
feeling of having to turn off the water and have cold winter drafts permeate their dripping wet, naked bodies.
There is also a trend among these people to skip morning classes because of the necessity to leave the comfort
of their warm, snuggly blankets to do so.
Reading the Hegemonocle
This is Macalester’s latest and by far its hottest trend. A number of students have been seen with copies of the
Hegemonocle, including you. If you look around you will see a combination of people rolling out of their seats
with laughter, mild chuckling, subtle grinning and people saying “I really just don’t get it!”

...HOW TIMES CHANGE

 Taggable Memes for Medievalist Teens
Which of the four humors are you?

B lood
Characteristics: courageous, hopeful, playful, carefree
- Somehow plays a varsity sport, has an off-campus internship, and writes honors
thesis all at the same time
- Does homework at the Tap
- Buys alcohol for first years
- Eats Scotty’s twice a day

Y ellow bile
Characteristics: ambitious, leader-like, restless, easily angered
- Keeps a sleeping bag in the Econometrics lab
- Takes up an entire group study room to themselves
- Reads the Mac Daily to find mentions of themself
- Actually puts effort into their Handshake profile
- Wishes there was a faster way to print things than Library Quick Print

B lack bile
Characteristics: despondent, quiet, analytical, serious
- Always submits to Chanter anonymously
- Favorite floor of the library is the basement
- Knocks on your door at 10:01 to remind you that quiet hours have started
- Believes the Idea Lab is a monument to capitalism and the false idol of entrepreneurship
- Why did they throw away so many books to make room for the Idea Lab?
- Arts and crafts are only a feeble attempt to find meaning in a meaningless existence

P hlegm
Characteristics: calm, thoughtful, patient, peaceful
- Regular patron of the coffee cart in J-Wall
- Works out in the LC at 8 am
- Always tells people they should study on the 4th floor of Old Main
- Knows the fastest place to print on campus is the DRC
 THE HEGE-IES
Now that The Hegemonocle is entering the twilight of it’s golden
years, its time to look back and admire the work that made The
Hegemonocle the best publication Macalester has ever seen.

Best Joke Topics:

• Kofi Annan (no, it’s not too
soon anymore)
• Brian Rosenberg being rich
• Rip 10k (only seniors will
get this)
• The Bell
• David Sisk (don’t give him
your password)
• Jim Hoppe (only seniors
will get this also)
• Cafe Mac (food, decor,
silverware, everything)
• The famous alums(?) who
never stay
• Mac Weekly
• Marlon James
• Old men outside Dunn
Bros
• Cheryl Doucette
• Du- (prison, paradise, etc.)
• Kagins
• Horoscopes. Always
horoscopes
To the person I hate for no reason,

You and I seldom interact. Maybe we’ve said a few words in the
presence of a mutual friend. You have given me no reason to com-
plain about your character. Yet, I absolutely cannot stand you.
First, your face is just so dumb. It’s not overly good-looking or
particularly unattractive, but it is just so punchable, just asking
to be socked right in the nose. I, and by the transitive property, ev-
erybody around you, know that you’re a fake bitch. You are super
friendly to people but it’s a commonly recognized truth that there’s
an arrogant prick lying just beneath the surface.

I hope you keep your pants on during office hours. The professor’s
joke was not nearly that funny. Everyone hates it when you “ask a
question” by just saying you already know the goddamn answer.
You’re like a bad parody of every person on this campus: You’re go-
ing to start volunteering next semester. You’ve recently gotten into
listening to Brockhampton. You are from California but love to
travel. You enjoy your “secret study spot” on the fourth floor of Old
Main. You think it’s worth it to wait in line for half an hour for a
sandwich at the Atrium. Welcome to the fucking club pal.

You see this dirty look I’m throwing your way? You know what the
fuck you di- No! Don’t smile at me! God damn it, what a fucking
douchebag. Grinning like we are old chums who served three tours
in ‘Nam together. You know jack shit about me. This is just like the
time I was wallowing in self-pity alone at Cafe Mac and you were
with your friends and all I did while eating was watch your table
and listen to your dumb jokes. Oh wow, you’ve always just wanted
to help people? A neuroscience major, so heroic! We’ve all taken Bio
101 as well, Ben Carson.
No, you can piss off, stop asking me if this is about my
deep-seated insecurities.
 Hege Profiles: Adults Eating in Cafe Mac
Buried beneath the bustle of confused first
years and mug-smugglers, something strange
is happening in Cafe Mac. A white-haired couple
appearing to be in their early seventies sit at a
table, a bowl of soupy white ice cream between
them. The woman pokes at the ice cream with
a chopstick while the man curls up in a ball and
whispers to her “I’m a hard-boiled egg. The little
goblin told me.” I watch as the woman looks
around and reaches into a purple purse. She pulls
out a little baggy of stems and spores. “Take some
more of the mushrooms honey,” she tells her
husband. “I only speak egg” he says.

On the North side I worry that some psilocybin may have gotten into my system. I’m seeing
double! Jabari brings out extra cups to place next to the soda fountain while another Jabari stocks
radishes at the salad bar. Could it be? The salad-bar Jabari wears a black chef’s hat and has only
one eyebrow. I move in closer to get a look at the name tag which reads: JABORIG. So the rumors
are true, Jabari does have an evil twin brother who also works at Cafe Mac. When I go to confront
the real Jabari about his hat-wearing brother, he tells me that I must be crazy, and when I turn
around, Jaborig is gone.

In front of where Jaborig was just stocking vegetables are a couple of hearty-looking and stout
middle-aged blonde parents. The man’s shirt reads GO BADGERS! while the woman’s has DRINK
WISCONSINIBLY printed over an outline of the Cheese State. A timid teenager stands next to them
with a Macalester PF folder tucked under her arm. The three of them each hold a glass of chocolate
milk. “Would you look at all of those flags, honey” the man says looking up, “there must be millions
of them.”

I turn towards the Grill line where a portly bearded man asks for curly fries underneath a fedora
and sunglasses. I’ve seen him somewhere before but I can’t quite place my finger on the place. He
looks around nervously before walking towards the stage. I follow behind from a distance. Once on
the stage the man sits down at a table with a large woman wearing a trench coat. The woman sorts
through printed submissions to the Mac Daily. But something isn’t right about her. Her hands look
more like...golden retriever paws. The man then pulls out a newspaper and only the top of his head
sticks up from behind it. Just below the brim of the fedora I notice tin foil poking out. Aha! Sisk
Incognito, that sly bastard.
 It’s 2029...
This is your future
existential horror based

Aquarius: You receive word that

on astrology sign
an old friend of yours, who you be-

Aries: You are heading

lieved to have died 10 years ago, is
still alive and hiding in the central
plains of Mongolia. You immediately

Pisces: Polar
buy a plane ticket to Mongolia. On
to work. You stop and grab
the flight, you ponder. “Why didn’t
a coffee. You arrive at work
he tell me? What is he hiding from?”
and get settled in. The siren
After ten arduous days on horseback, Vortexes are now goes off. It’s that time again.
you come to a lone yurt. You walk a bi-weekly occur- You head to the conference
inside. It’s him. You can’t believe it. It’s rence. Macalester room. You bow down to the
Kofi. He looks at you, and turns away. no longer cancels TV as president Air Bud
He mutters,“ No, I do not want to do- classes for polar speaks.

Taurus:
nate $5 to Macalester’s annual fund”. vortexes.

The world is in a geopolitical conflict over water Gemini: You are still a student
scarcity. You live in Los Angeles. You’re fucked. Oh yeah, at Macalester. You have not been
your house is on fire. (It’s been on fire for the last 7 years so able to register for Nietzsche and
you’re pretty used it by now). Corkscrew: Roller Coasters and
the Philosopher’s Dilemma, the
one class you need to graduate
for your Philosophy and Physics

Cancer: Carleton College has

double major.

been decimated by the great Malt-

O-Meal fire of 2025. However, U.S.
News and Report still ranks Car-
leton higher than Macalester.
Leo: Jeff Bezos owns everything. He owns Virgo: Again, the world is in a geopolitical
Starbucks. He owns the city of Washington conflict over water scarcity. You live in Dulu-
D.C. He owns your house. He even owns th and Lake Superior is one the last sources
your cat. Your fucking cat. Well, at least he of freshwater in the world. You’re also fucked.

Libra: You exit your newly built house and

can’t buy your soul from you, right? Right?

walk into your two car garage. You put the

keys into your Nissan Altima. You just got
off the phone with your sorority sister. You
are planning the reunion. You back out of
your garage and head down the cul de sac
and on to the main road. You turn on the
radio. Your favorite country song is on. You
pick up your four boys, Kaeden, Jaeden,
Braeden and Hunter from lacrosse practice.
They ask if you could stop at Chick-fil-A
for dinner. Your name is Brittany, you live
the exurbs of Atlanta and your husband is
cheating on you with Stuart Little.

Scorpio: The United States has prospered Sagittarius: You are a famous mov-
in the last eight years under President Kama- ie star. You are cast in the role of Brian
la Harris. Gerrymandering is illegal, there Rosenberg in Macalester: The Movie. To get
is single-payer healthcare and the economy into character, you read Hard Times. You
is prosperous. The future looks bright for narrowly lose best picture to Shrek 9, writ-

Capricorn: After graduation, you

progressive politics in the United States, with ten and directed by Danai Gurira.
the Democratic nominee for president beat-
ing the Republican nominee 438-100 (haha
you fucking wish).
disappear into thin air: you now live
in an igloo in Nunavut. You haven’t
seen another human in 10 years.
The only entertainment you have is
a poem from the Fall 2016 Chanter.
Yet, you hear voices in the wind.
They whisper “ This is your last
chance to give back to Macalester!”
Love Letter to my special someone at Cafe Mac

He had me from the moment he reminded me to “say please” while ladling curry at South. Never
in my life had I felt such a powerful attraction to someone; he had everything I could have
wanted: immediate charm, wit, and charisma, graciousness, and, of course, animal magnetism.
Ever since then I have sought out his presence. I was worried I would never get to be near him
again. I worried that I wasn’t good enough, that of course he had enough suitors, why would I
catch his eye? I had almost lost hope, but then, at last, I found him.
The line wove around Cafe Mac almost as long as his line of prospective paramours. I
quickly jumped in, nervously wringing my hands - would he remember me, did he remember our
connection? Once we made eye contact, I knew that he had remembered me. I asked for a
hotdog with a bun, and he smirked at me, mischeviously. He put the hotdog on top of the bun, but,
of course, I had wanted it inside the bun. I was at a loss for words. When he asked what else
I would like, it took all of my effort to point to the broccoli. All-knowingly, he must of sensed
my indecision, and stated, “You don’t want that.” But, valuing my free will, he still placed the plate
onto my quaking, sweaty palms. What humor! What wisdom! How could I ever think that
I deserved to even be near a man such as him? At the grill, I watched in rapturous awe as he
refused to let me buy my friend onion rings. He asked me what I had to say for myself, but once
again, I was at a loss for words; I had let him down. In my despair, I became entranced with the
gold chain glistening ever so slightly under the lights of Cafe Mac. My, how it sparkled, nestled
lovingly in his wiry, heaving chest hair, signalling to me not only was he a man of passion and
impeccable taste, but of steadfast moral integrity. Never had I been so taken with a person, never
had I been so starstruck by the raw power and emotion that he emitted with each utterance. His
power over me was stronger than ever before, and I was glad. I may have lost the war of the
onion rings, but I had gained the love of my life.
Oh, my unrequited love, my soulmate, my passionate little honey badger...if you’re reading this, you
scolded me once for not using the tongs in the dessert display, but little did you know you were the
dessert I’d been craving all along.
 Let’s Get Our Fuck On

rns within
by , it’s co ld ou ts ide but a fire still bu
Ba u live in
forbidden love, yo
my loins. Ours is a ithin
an d I in D up re ye t desire still rages w
Kirk be done
ail tells me it can’t
me. Karine Moe’s em
n yo u te xt m e “u up?” I could take on
but whe occur in
e w ho le w or ld . Th ey say frostbite can
th ed
in ut es bu t w e bo th know I don’t ne
under 5 m get
lo ng to ge t w he re I need to go. “Let’s
that prepare
ke a shot of Jack to
jacked” I say as I ta
th e si de w al k w on ’t be the only thing
myself, dressed in
at ’s sl ic k to ni gh t. As I cross campus ing
th
bu t a pa ir of sn ow boots and the G-str
nothing y skin
r on m y m on th ly trips to the gym, m
I wea remains
t my thirst for you
becomes numb bu ur
in is he d. A s I hu rl open the door to yo
undim mate
om I le t ou t a be stial roar, your room ged
ro
ho rr or at m y pa lid, waxy, frost rava
stares in ite
. Yo u ap pe ar in th e door to your en su
body s
m e to yo u, I sc oo p you into my arm
single, I co
and I say: s to
br av e an y ex tr em e weather condition
“I would
fuck you”
 Take a ride on
the Magic
School
Bus...

All of these things have actually happened on the Magic School Bus

CAPRICORN - Get jizzed on by a salmon

GEMINI - Indirect tongue kiss from a bee

LEO - Get shoved off a rock by an owl limpet

ARIES - Turn orange before accepting an award, then accidentally

eat your whole class

TAURUS - Race a man named Mr. Sinew whose shirt rips every time
he moves

PISCES - Get laid in an egg while dressed as a chicken

SAGITTARIUS - Turn into a beanstalk so your class can climb you

CANCER - Turn giant and bare-knuckle-box a T Rex

VIRGO - Willingly freeze your whole-ass head in space to prove a

point

SCORPIO - Turn into a butterfly to scare your bitch cousin

AQUARIUS - Get stuck in said cousin’s nose and clean snot off a
bus

LIBRA - Put mint, cinnamon, and banana, and an old sock in a

hamster tube
 Something’s in the
water...
It scuttles against Mississippi’s current, scouring the river for stones. The authorities arrived last
week and a tent city of onlookers followed. You can see its slippery back like a white cetacean
hump in the water, scraping the river in search of its family. It sighs when it finds their three tan
bodies burrowed into the silt and sand. Three bodies with eight legs each, beady eyes, and
pincers clamped tight onto the word of the Diviner, L. Ron Hubbard. Each crayfish has a copy of
the book and it has one in its hands as well. Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health.
It is the talk of town, this strange child found in the river, muttering the word of God and Tom
Cruise, and preying on bugs and minnows at night. The authorities are at a loss and the Church
denies any responsibility. A rogue clergyman waded neck-high into the water last night, wanting
to near himself to the messiah, drowning himself in God’s sight until a rescue-team tugged him
from the muck. The other heretics sing hymns on the shore. It stays in the water with its family,
reading and auditing, praying and dwelling. At night the feral child hunts and drifts with his family
from boulder to boulder. They meet with their congregation of crustaceans and do the sea-
dance of the Church. They are humble, this minion of Scientologist crayfish. They are god-fearing
crustaceans. And so a week goes by and so go the onlookers and the news helicopters. And the
end of the month sees the authorities pack up their investigation. Even the zealots returned home
to their jobs, their spouses, their revelations. The children still come, in the dead of the night on a
dare from their friends. They come to see it sliding through the water, its glossy black hair pinned
against the small of its back. What traumas has it confessed to, resolved, and bequeathed to the
Church, and what choice did it have to live this life? They watch it slither away through the green
ropes of seaweed, its hand bent in a permanent claw, seizing the book. Always seizing the book.
A Field Study of the Weedian:
September 9th: Hesitantly and as clumsily as newborn calves, I observe a few first years meandering
around the weedian, curious of its mystery and purpose. They catch a whiff of a skunk-like aroma, and
depart. I wonder what will the introduction of these strange creatures entail.

September 16th: Like intrepid explorers, they return, eager to flex their new-found knowledge.A member
triumphantly reveals a blunt, undoubtedly of sub-par cannabis. Mayhaps the group has an Alpha. I
watch carefully as puffs of smoke emerge from behind the trees.

September 30th: Our persistent trail-blazers carefully plan their return. Alas!!! Upon the sloped mud
and grass, sophomores dole out dubious looks. Their feet defensively scrape the ground, their hot breath
radiates in the cold fall air as they snarl at the unfamiliar.

October 11th: The two groups, although wary of one another, are joined by a common paranoia caused
by the occasional jogger or pedestrian catching a whiff of, their activities. The tension between them has
subsided, and they seem to tolerate and accept each other s presence.

October 18th: As time passes, the groups slowly overlap and form a symbiotic dependency, as observed
through the sharing of lighters and other paraphernalia. Today, a chair has appeared upon the
weedian. I feel it is mark of permanence and the establishment of a den.

October 23rd: The collective grows bolder, they no longer fear the light of morning or the eyes of other
organisms. As the air grows cold, I suspect they revel in this warmth and camaraderie. A question
remains - will they succumb to the biting cold and hibernate. The subjects are unable to discern the
voluminous puffs of smoke from the chilled condensation of their breathe. They paw curiously at the air.
,
November 2nd: The weedian s usual incidences continue, yet the oncoming winter has culled the herd.
Those that remain grow increasingly aggressive as resources wane. Three shoes have appeared. I know
not from where they come, only that they have. The herd ignores their ominous presence. A string of
lights drapes about the pine trees. There is no logic in this place. Many a night I have lain awake,
unable to sleep as their calls and sounds reverberate to Wallace and beyond. The smell of weed now
haunts me.

November 17th: Today, a member of the pack returned to the Weedian with impressive bounty - three
chocolate chip cookies, cheese curds, and meat of the chicken tender. They feast. I had never expected a
meal to appear so ravenous yet so...lethargic.
,
November 20th: The pod s structure is seeming to collapse. From what, I do not know. My hypothesis is
the cold has weakened their morale. A cloud of fog descends over the weedian, thicker than ever.

November 27th: I return from

, hiatus. The pressure of their study has gotten to be too big a burden. I
cannot escape the Weedian s chaos. The creatures have piled food, sticks, LED lights, and bongs in the
center of the median. They have frenzied in my absence.I fear what is to come.

November 28th: All hell has broken loose. Irritability has turned to rage, to fury, many of my fellow
scientists fear their ruthlessness and anarchy, the throwing of shoes, the laughing, the smells, they can
no longer be contained. A fire has erupted. The beauty of this place is gone. I fear this is my last entry.
Nature is a cruel yet beautiful mistress. Life has once again, and will always find a way.

Fig 1.1: blunt””

 Hege Games Corner
2 1
Across:
3. You’d be lucky to get one of these at Cafe Mac dinner
6. After eating Scotty’s you will be sitting on one of these
3

8. Remember the ITS staff will NEVER ask you for this via
email
10. You’re on campus and you gotta study for your econ test
5

but you wanna make love to your partner too. Where on cam-
6

7
pus do you go?
8
Down:
1. Submit to ________
2. The Student’s Choice for best economic system
9

4. If they have a water bottle from this brand, you KNOW

10 11

they’re an athlete
5. Famous alumni who didn’t actually graduate from here,
but we will take what we can get
7. Did a guy just mansplain to you in class? Guess what? He
majors in _____________
9. You are doing one of these right now
11. You get emails from her daily, but nobody knows how to
spell her name

Your Housing Agent (who are we

kidding, it’s your friend, Jeff) has
some fantastic suggestions for
your housing together next year:

Option 1: A cozy duplex that has no insulation and singular toilet in the mid-
dle of the floor in the basement. No sinks, but lots of… spirit? ............................................................... Rent: $430/month PP

Option 2: the House that Jeff Found On Craigslist. Amenities include rude
landlord and mysterious unlabeled box of cornstarch (?) found in cupboard.
Thanks Jeff??? You’re a real asset???? To this team??? .......................................................................... Rent: $300 plus utilities

Option 3: The beautiful house you saw on Mac Free & For Sale. Too bad it’s up
for literally 30 seconds before someone takes it from you… what a cruel, cruel
world it is. Why did Jeff have to get our hopes up just to destroy them again?........................ Rent: Your hopes and dreams

Option 4: Living in the Olin Rice Hub.

A convenient option for any STEM major ..................................... Rent: your soul. Jeff studies German, so it’s a no-go for him

Option 5: The Breadsmith garbage bin. Everyday you will be showered with
day-old bread in a glorious, unceasing onslaught ............................................................................. Rent: Free. Board included.

Option 6: Snow Fort you Made on Campus ...................................................................... Rent: Free, unless you value your toes

Option 7: Jeff rejecting you as a housemate ................................................................................................ Rent: sad. so very sad.

Option 8: St. Thomas dorm room ........................................................................................................................ Rent: your dignaty

Friday March 8, 2019

David Sisk: A career

David Sisk Do you feel the cold wind that now blows across campus,
carrying with it the shrill cackles of phishing scammers and ITS
employees who want to ask for your password? Pull your cloak
closer and hurry home, little one, for your data is no longer safe in this cold, cruel world. Do you not see the lost souls,
whose emails have already been hacked by fake honor societies? Have you not gazed upon them as they drift through the
impenetrable fog that now suffocates the college? Have you not heard them cry out, pleading to the empty air for a simpler
time when there was some redoutable bulwark to shield them from those beasts in the flesh of man whose only sustenance
are students’ email passwords? Alas, that time is gone for David Sisk, head of Macalester ITS, most venerable protector of
our passwords, and world’s most slippery man 2004-2019 has left Macalester College. Since 2004 Sisk has been a glistening
beacon of hope in a world full of mild inconvenience and feeling sad that you get more mail from phishing scams than
your parents. Although many fear our fair college will never recover from the darkness into which we have plunged in
Sisk’s absence, we may at least cling to the message of hope he left us in his final words: Remeber, ITS staff will NEVER
ask for your password via email! The Hege will gather on Sunday, March 10 at 10:00am at Neill 314 to try and steal all of
Macalester’s vulnerable data before people realize what’s going on.
 Collect them all!
Find all 10 covers of the Hege to
decode our secret message

th e e hegemonocle turns
GOLDEN th
H EGEMONOCLES
TICKET 10th reunion special ten
You’ve Won the Founded in 2008-2009

HEGEMONOCLE
Vol. 20 issue 1

THE
AMERICA’S CHOICE
HEGEMONOCLE
You’ve Won
GOLDEN
TICKET

nocle turn
s The Hegemonocle turns 10 THE HEGEMONOCLE:

issue 1

Only
annoying
twice
a semester
“Let us eat cake!”

The Hegemonocle
“Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine”

Macalester Document Services

St. Paul