THE HEGEMONOCLE

Spring 2019 Volume 20 Issue 2

 The MacalesTer

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 20, Issue 2
Spring 2019
The Conspiracy Theories Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Maeghan Sullivan ’20
*Zoe Berkovitz ‘20

EDITORIAL
Managing Editor
Autumn Campbell ‘21
Head Writers
Ben Townsend ‘20
Jordan Schwed ‘21

DESIGN
Head of Production
Lidija Namike ‘21

EDITORS EMERITUS
Caleb Driker-Ohren ’19
Edward Taketomo ’19
Justin Chen ‘19
Sophie Hannauer ’19
Will Milch ‘19

STAFF
Coat Rack ’99 Jacob Hill ‘19 Baxter Gordon ‘22
Adam Rogowski ‘19 Roland Munsil ‘19 Jared Jageler ‘22
Erik Knisely ‘19 Austin Jesko ‘21 Kirk Lobban ‘22
Ian Gorrell-Brown ‘19 Ethan Shaw ‘21 Niko Bjork ‘22
Isaac Ward ‘19 Kate Sibila ‘21 Rennie DiCarlo ‘22
* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS
Supersoakers full of hamburger meat
Blowing the dust and wiping the cobwebs off of your douchey summer longboard
Sipping a milkshake with your gal at the St. Paul Corner Drug
Deciding to refer to ‘houses’ as ‘flats’ for a few months after/before doing study away
They say that there are two seasons in Minnesota, winter and construction! *Snickers*
Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us: The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four-ish
[email protected] Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. times per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
All content, except what we’ve stolen
@hegemonocle 1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
facebook.com/hegemonocle Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. Hegemonocle, 2019.
A Letter From Between the Editors:

Hey Zoe,
Glad we will be co-EIC’s next year. Really looking forward to it. Want to write our Letter from the Editor together?
Best,
Maeghan

Zoe,
InDesign makes no sense. All I do during production meetings is eat The Mac Weekly’s snacks
I need you,
Maeghan

Dear Zoe,
My position is made up! The managing editor doesn’t do anything! Now I’m in a position of power!?!?!
I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m desperate,
Megs

Dearest Zoe,
I miss you. The hege is filled with almost all white boys now. I can’t write a sex joke to save my life. I think I’m losing
their respect. When Lidija and Autumn aren’t here, I’m consumed with loneliness.
help,
Maeghan

My dear Zoe,
I’m considering working for The Mac Weekly. They have better snacks. Desperate times call for desperate
measures.
Maeghan

Darling Zoe,
Update: I am now a lowly op-ed writer for the Mac Weekly. Pls come back
-maeghan

My beloved Zoe,
NO!!!! I must continue the fight for shitty publications to still be infrequently published. Akin to a phoenix, I will RISE
from the ASHES.
best,
Maeghan

dear maeghan,
abroad, don’t text
-zoe
P.S. hege has always been almost all white boys; this is not news. and neither is the fact that you can’t write a sex
joke. looking forward to ruling working over with you when I get back x

Having power is hard. Here’s to women reigning supreme!

Much love,
Zoe and Maeghan
Co-editors in Chief
 Exlusive Behind the Scenes look into
Macalester’s Infamous Circle Jerk
Magazine
(ST. PAUL) AP — Last Thursday night, Joshua Truwinkle (‘21) handed out a
piece for group reading and workshop at a meeting of Macalester College’s only
palatable satire publication, The Hegemonocle. The staff, arranged in a circle around
tables in an undisclosed Campus Center conference room, each read through a
printed copy of the article. Meager chuckles and soft exhales of air out the nose
echoed through the painfully quiet room. “I think this can be fleshed out a little
more,” offered one dispassionate reader. “You could do better.”

This insufferable incident is endemic of an incredible issue at the incredulous

intramural. Macalester Administration ordered an independent review in an
attempt to snuff out the source of the comedic wet-blankets. President Brian
Rosenberg released a statement saying “Even though this club is technically ‘not
on the books,’ my endowment money will no longer subsidize this sad excuse for a
magazine.”

Dave DeBoone (‘22), one-time-attendee of a Hege meeting, and chair of the

Macalester Jewish Caucus of Comedy Writers, had choice words for the most
recent issue of the magazine: “It’s not haha funny. It’s not even nose exhale funny.
It’s more sad-funny. You know, sympathy laughs.”

Following the release of the external review, club writers were reportedly
shocked at the findings. It cited “too many David Sisk jokes” and “an onslaught
of cringey comments in the middle of meetings bringing down team morale.”
All in all, the study concludes that a full one third of all Hegemonocle writers
were unbefitting of their positions, only joining the magazine because their
grandmothers told them they were funny.

According to a source with intimate knowledge of the situation, Hegemonocle

Executive Producer Sarah Shumichael (‘19) was quoted as saying, “You’d think
that after 10 years we could’ve figured this shit out by now. This garbage right
here is why we need tryouts. This isn’t Lele fucking Pons dead memes amateur
hour. I’m this fucking close from clapping some first year cheeks.”
 New Initiative from Health and Wellness
The Health and Wellness Center has
announced they will be installing a new
program next month. “Here at the Health
and Wellness center, we understand the
struggle many students face with mental
health,” our contact with the center told
us, “that is why instead of hiring another
counselor, we have instead decided to use
Mac Missed Connections.”

While stress from classes, social life,

and pressure to perform have all been
attributed to a general decline in mental
wellbeing, the Health and Wellness center
has ranked “Not being thirsted over online”
as the number 1 stressor in students. The
fear of graduating a virgin, and never
ringing the bell ranked number 2 and 4
respectively. “As such, we felt it was our
duty to get involved in students’ sex life.”

When asked what this service would look like, our contact said “We’re in the very initial stages
of rolling out this new program. For now, we’re just making templates based off of what is on Mac
Missed Connections.”
Some of the templates they’ve discussed include:
Is _____ into guys?
_______ in Cafe Mac (heart eyes emoji)
______ looks like a dream.
I hope _______ is into girls.
Please help. I was taking a comp-sci class and fell asleep while drinking red bull. I
woke up inside of my laptop and now I can’t get out. Please. Anyone.
Thirsty for some of that ______
_______, gender non-conforming individuals?
I want to gargle your _____ while four _____ dress up as my step-_____ and sing.

Despite just being announced, the service already has a waitlist of 3 months. In response, the
Health and Wellness center has also announced the new “dial 69,” a new emergency service that
immediately connects students with a sexy genderless voice who will tell you anything to get into
your pants. “While ‘dial 69’ is by no means meant to replace real help, the temporary ego boost is
designed to get students through hard times.”

The Health and Wellness center has also reportedly been looking at a group-therapy model
for this new system, but have declined to respond when asked how trial runs have gone.
A Field Study part 2 -
The GYM
After my brush with death that concluded my study of the
Weedian, I have decided to get back on the proverbial horse.
The gym to the South has always perplexed me as an ecosystem.

As the sun emerges and reflects upon the snow into the
windows, all is quiet. I mount a treadmill to avoid being
trampled in the case of a stampede. My caution was justified,
the double doors fling open and seemingly-intermittent flocks
of species burst forth, a procession that truly captures the awe
of nature. My heart races. As the dust settles and the floor
reveals wet footprints, a calm reminiscent of that at a desert
watering hole seems to take hold. The groups separate into their
respective species, honoring the unspoken rules of the space.

Each group is cloaked in luxurious and colorful plumage,

perfected by eons of coevolution. They squawk, ruffle their
feathers and begin a most unusual yet exquisite display. The
larger and more aggressive members of the flock quickly utilize
the territory in a repetitious display of strength. With audible
grunts increasing in volume, they rhythmically heave weighted
objects into the air. I am unsure of the exact purpose of this ac-
tion, but well-developed upper body muscles seem to correlate
to its execution. The flocks, ever near, call, whoop, bark, and
chirp around them in affirmation. I have surmised this is called
“hyping”- encouraging their group members hearty display.

The rest of the gym’s population steals glances at this perfor-

mance before resuming their activities. Perhaps out of jealousy
of this impressive display? I believe embarrassment and discom-
fort are more likely causes.

Proving to be territorial, group members shout and nip at the

heels of competing groups. Land here proves to be valuable and
abundant. Like mountain rams, they butt their stubborn heads.
To the gym’s outskirts (but nonetheless blocking migratory
pathways), long legged animals raise their knees in a prideful
display, trotting around in a circle. Their vibrant coats shine
beautifully—a lively procession indeed!!

Engrossed in observation, I have failed to notice my own safety

in peril. The treadmills around me have become quite active and
overpopulated. I feel stares behind me, like vultures, more
solitary animals greedily lie in wait to pounce and claim the
space as I step off. I worry this part of the gym has reached a
carrying capacity.

Perhaps I should resume my studies in a less tumultuous habitat.

That or I shall take up botany.
 BREAKING NOW
Bon Appetit Teams up with Geology Department
for Fossil-Return Amnesty Day
At the end of each semester a table appears inside of the Campus Center with a sign labeled
DISH RETURN. Students pile on scratched-up mugs, pale green plates, and heaps of silverware.
This initiative, started by former Bon Appetit Macalester manager Perry Hicks, began when
Hicks noticed that hundreds of dishes and kitchenware were being taken from Cafe Mac by
students. Any student can corroborate this, and fortunately, the policy of amnesty for dish
deviants has proven effective. Cafe Mac recovers most (not all) of their dishes, students avoid
punishment, and the world goes marching on.
When Geology Department Chair Raymond Rogers noticed the dish-return table outside
of Cafe Mac last year, an idea rocked his head. “Well, it’s no secret that by the end of the year our
model dinosaur skeletons are looking a little skimpy, and we have about half as many fossils in
the lab than at the beginning. I’ve seen students with bones jutting out of their backpacks, but I
never wanted to be the bad guy that called them out. Now... I just want them returned.”
From May 6th-13th for the second year in a row, a table will be set up on the bottom floor of
Ol-Ri with a sign marked “FOSSIL RETURN.” Students are encouraged to come by and drop off
any fossils that they may have “ended up with” by the end of the semester, and they are offered
full amnesty to do so. The Hege was also made aware that this year the fossil-return and dish-
return tables will be visibly separated so as to avoid the coffee-stained trilobites that dampered
last year’s return.
Fossil Free Mac has taken an oppositional stance to the amnesty deal calling the college
“fossil-hungry.” A member of the org said “It’s enough that we already invest $40 million in
fossil fuels but now we’re going to waste dozens of dollars recovering actual fossils? I
don’t think so. Just take a look at all of the many Facebook users who
are supporting our message of a fossil free campus. It’s the will of
the students that these fossils stay out of the hands of greedy
professors.”
The Hege received an inside scoop that Fossil Free
Mac is planning a protest a la Burlington Coat Factory.
Any scab that walks into Olin-Rice with the intention of
returning fossils can expect to be doused in dinosaur blood
thrown by members of the org.
Says Rogers, “Look, these little twerps don’t
know how to love the fossils like I do. I care about them,
sing to them, feed them. In the middle of the night when
they’re lonely are any of these kids visiting them and
cuddling them? Breathing softly on the back of them…?
They’re mine dammit!”
Seniors Predict Mac’s future W
ill’
MacStartups Shuts Down sC
o (f t
leb rne
Ca
Advice from
5 Macalester Seniors Receive ) r
HalfBright Scholarship Graduating Seniors
to Incoming First Years
Philosophy Department unsure if it
exists or not Welcome to the best ____(optimistic number)
years of your life. It’s taken a lot of sweat and
International Studies senior lands ___(bodily fluid) to make it to this pinnacle, but
don’t worry. Macalester students are always glad
sick job abroad at Burger King in to _____(verb), especially if you are from _____
Zambia (UWC Campus) and have ______(political view
left of center) values. At Macalester, you will learn
_______(non-applicable skill). We offer ______
Bri-Ro announces plans to return (number between 0 and 3) opportunities to grow
to his native Crab Nebula following yourself into a ____(adjective meaning average)
2020 departure person. As the ____(adjective meaning lost) class,
we offer these hacks:

Hegemonocle to be renamed the • ______(intense verb) the bell on your first day.
Mac Monthly It’s a power move.
• Submit as many ____(literally any noun) as
possible to Chanter. They are the coolest clique
Mac Track and Field realize they on campus.
can have faster times if they run • Brian Rosenberg’s unused Presidents’ mansion
is only going to be empty for another year.
THROUGH the hurdles - set record Have a goodbye _________(noun).
times • Never eat _____(type of animal food product)
on Mondays. It upsets your stomach.
MacHoverBoard varsity team sets
And remember, pretend to be someone you’re not
record for longest losing streak in in order to make as many friends as possible.
NCAA history
XOXO _______(Caleb) and ________(Will)

1661 Grand Lot announced to be

permanent home for new crane

Marlon James reveals he always

imagined Ron Weasley as a
metaphor for climate change
23
U.N. General Secretaries
0.07
Average blood alcohol
that will graduate from level of therapy dogs on
Carleton campus
 B R I A N ’ S GA ME
A new fundraising opportunity has appeared for Macalester! President Brian Rosenberg has
generously agreed to open his secretive, illegal poker ring to Mac alumni and benefactors.
In solidarity for this kindness, the Student Office of Jobs, Employment and Careers has
offered students new tier 1 positions to help out. Math majors are encouraged to count
cards and learn to deal—Vegas style. Shifts range from 3am - 8am to accommodate
breakfast and Brian Rosenberg’s nocturnal behavior. As an incentive, extra pay is offered to
students who introduce new suckers—I mean players—to join this light-hearted and in no
way legally liable group! Current members of the ring include PBR, other liberal arts school
presidents, and all the old men we could find in the LC and Cafe Mac. The men’s water polo
team has so graciously volunteered to serve drinks prepared by our own Cafe Mac workers.

It is worth noting - the Macalester Board of Health, Safety, and Gambling will not be held
accountable if any faculty or student says too much and is stabbed with a broken wine bottle.

HEGE CRIME REPORT

SECURITY IN SEARCH OF STUDENT WITH FJALLVALRAFEN
FALLJALLRAVEN FALAFEL RAVEN BACKPACK
As of Monday, Macalester Security has interrogated over 80% of the student body in search of a thief,
who was seen dressed in a grey beanie, plaid scarf, and Blundstones. While there has been no luck so far
in identifying a single suspect, security has identified over 600 students that may have been involved in
the crime. Suspecting a larger conspiracy on campus, security has published the following statement:
“If no one steps up, we are going to put ALL suspect students into solitary confinement - Dupre
singles with taped over windows.”
The class of 2022 has responded positively to the threat, saying that they will be more than glad to
move off campus for the next few days to help the cause.
 HEGE MADNESS 2019
Folks, it’s that time of the year again: The HegeCAA Tournment. Our favorite institutions will battle
out to see which is the most superior campus force. It’s impossible to predict a perfect bracket, but
we tried anyway to guess who’s winning this tour-de-force of campus culture.

CAFE MAC REGION OLRI REGION

(1) Founder’s Day vs. (4) The Mac Weekly (1) Winter Ball vs. (4) Durbin the Urban Wind
(Line -11): Folks, our first game is the battle of Turbine (Line -5): Folks, every year Winter
the sub-pars: a sub-par celebration and a sub- Ball fails to live up to its lofty expectations: they
par newspaper. While they both make you want have not made it out of the first round of the
to puke, they have different methods to achieve tournament in 10 years! However, they claim
this goal. Founder’s Day wins by a comfortable this year will be different: it’s at the Veggie
margin. Coop! Meanwhile, Durbin was a surprise entry,
(1) The Weedian vs. (3) Cheryl Doucette considering the fact that it is unable to power
(Line -5): Cheryl controls the news media, while anything on campus. However, don’t count out this
The Weedian controls First Years who haven’t yet plucky start-up! Winter Ball, once again, fails to
realized that smoking weed doesn’t make them live up to expectations. Durbin wins in a shocker.
cool or edgy. Cheryl Doucette and her fake (2) The ghost of Kofi Annan vs. (3) DeWitt
news empire reign supreme once again. Wallace (Line -4.20): Normally a one seed,
Annan’s death was viewed unfavorably in the
OLD MAIN REGION Selection Committee’s eye. However, Kofi has
a building named after him, and the last time I
(1) Max the Cat vs. (4) Bubba the Dog (Line -78): checked DeWitt Wallace doesn’t…. err nevermind.
This one is easy. Max the Cat is a BELOVED figure Kofi lives on in our memory, and moves on in the
at Macalester, a true champion of the working class tournament.
and people banned from the library (looking at you,
Tim O’Brien). Bubba is just some rando dog that they CARNEGIE REGION
bring in when Kevin is on “vacation” (read: rehab).
Max the Cat trounces Bubba the Dog, blocking (1) Brian Rosenberg vs. (4) The Chanter
Bubba 11 times. (Line: -22): Despite his modest income, Rosen-
(2) Lib 3 Study Room vs. (3) Idea Lab (Line -6.9): berg is still a perennial contender for the Gold-
It’s unfair, really. To be robbed of one powerhouse en Condom. Will his knowledge of Dickens be
after just the first round? What was the selection too much for The Chanter? We think so. The
committee thinking?! Anyway, expect a close one Chanter “Submits” to BriRo’s will, losing in
here folks: the pure, raw hormones of the Lib 3 Study the first round (again).
Room is unsettling and powerful, but it is no match (2) The Campus Squirrels vs. (3) Walter
for the true entrepreneurial and capitalist spirit of the Mondale (Line -420): Those squirrels are nasty,
Idea Lab. The Idea Lab wins at the buzzer. I once saw one grab a packet of ranch from
the trash can and swallow it whole. Also, they
TEAMS THAT MISSED THE CUT: DAVID SISK THICC af. Walter Mondale didn’t even gradu-
(RIP), THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH ate from Macalester. It’s a crime that he’s even
PROTESTERS, STUDENT ATHLETES, THE POLAR in the tournament. The Campus Squirrels win
VORTEX, SPRINGFEST 525 to 13.

Go to the next page to fill out the bracket for yourself!

 Cafe Mac Region
(1) Founder’s Day

(4) The Mac Weekly

(2) The Weedian

(3) Cheryl Doucette

(1) Winter Ball

(4) Durbin the Urban

Wind Turbine

(2) The Ghost of Kofi Annan

Champion:

(3) DeWitt Wallace

Old Main Region
OLRI Region
(1) Max the Cat

(4) Bubba the Dog

(2) Lib 3 Study Room

(3) Idea Lab

(1) Brian Rosenberg

(4) The Chanter

(2) The Campus Squirrels

(3) Walter Mondale

Carnegie Region
Candles flicker in the background. You take another sip of your red wine, straight from your winery in Sonoma. The
soothing voice from your audiotape fills the background as you submerge deeper into your bubble bath. “Have a heart
that never grows weary, a temper that never, never tires and a…” Suddenly, you hear a knock on the door–which is made
out of a California Redwood, a gift from your old friend Walter Mondale. At the door, it’s your butler, Charles. You bellow,
“Charles! You KNOW not to disturb ME during MY bubble bath!”.
“I’m sorry sir, but the students… they are protesting again.”
“AGAIN!??!” you shout, as you smash your diamond glass onto the floor, watching it shatter into a million pieces.
“What could they possibly want?” you bellow.
“th-th-they want cheesy eggs at every station” Charles whispers, trembling.
“WHAAAT!? I already gave them free condoms, what more could they possibly want now? Divestment from
Fossil Fuels? The Administration to properly address hate speech and racism on the campus?”
“I don’t know sir, all I know is that the students are marching towards us across the weedian right now,
demanding cheesy eggs.”
You get out of your bath and put on your bathrobe, fashioned out of Tim O’Brien’s old war uniform. You stride back and
forth on your solid gold floor, gifted from Kevin the Dog. You are at a crossroads. Your kingdom is slowly crumbling, but
you’re not quite ready to let go. You let out a deep sigh.
“Charles, it is time. Get my phone.”
“Sir, are you really sure that you want to do this? There has to be another option!”
“No Charles, there isn’t. I need to call him.”
“SIR, NO DON’T DO IT, I NEED YOU” Charles sobs, grabbing your ankle.
“CHARLES! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. I’ll be fine… don’t worry about me”. You pick up your Blackberry.
“Hello, Max? I need a favor”.
“Meow.”
“It’s the students… they are protesting again. Can you come to campus and act all cute and shit?”
“meeeeoooowwww”
“Yes, I can meet those standards”.
“purr.”
“No, I can’t possibly give you that!”
“MEOW.
“Fine, Fine! Have it. You monster, just get here as fast as
you can”.
You slam down your emerald bedazzled phone, an heirloom of
the Dayton family. Charles creeps in.
“Sir…”
“I did it. The campus is saved”.
“Wh-what did it cost?”
“Everything.”
MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT ROSENBERG --->
(Draft: '[Student-announce-] A Message to the Community’)

To the members of the Macalester community,

I write to share the tragic news that I will be concluding my service as President of Macalester College on May 31,
2005 2014 2020. I am making this announcement now in order to allow sufficient time for the Board of Trustees
and the Macalester community to conduct an honestly quite time consuming a careful and thorough search for
someone that gives a rat’s ass about your precious desire to divest fossil fuels [comment: I definitely can’t say this]
my successor.

As I have often said, the opportunity to serve as the President of Macalester has been by far the greatest trial
privilege of my schemes professional life. The longer I have stayed, the more powerful I have become impressed
I have been by the excellence of our faculty, the dedication of the staff with whom I have worked side by side, and
especially the passionate determination of our students and alumni to create a more wealthy just and peaceful
world. Macalester, remember my name, Brian Rosenberg, President of Presidents; Look on my Works, ye Mighty,
and despair. Macalester’s best days lie not in its past or present, but in its future. I will, during the next fourteen
months, give or take, do all in my immense power to ensure that that future is one in which we can be wealthy
proud.

Cheers, With gratitude,

Brian Rosenberg

BRIAN ROSENBERG
President
651-696-6207 | [email protected] [comment: I should wait on this one]
[email protected]
Seniors,
We give up. It’s been how many fuckin’ months and you still haven’t found a job? After all of the
fairs–so many fairs with popcorn and bouncy-houses and cotton candy and snowcones–you still
decided not to pursue a career as a common carnie? I mean at least go be a fuckin’ toll-booth
operator or a camp counselor or deal drugs or something. Jesus. Well, congratulations, cause you
work for us now, and I’m going to tell you right now that the office has been kind of dysfunctional
lately. Mary won’t stop blaring Marilyn Manson from her office, and John keeps bringing in PB &
Tuna sandwiches for lunch.

First Steps:

1. Pack everything you own into a 20 x 20 x 20 box and then drop it in your new Dupre residency.
2. Attend mandatory reeducation led by Handshake in the first floor of Markhim Hall.
3. Get ready to deal with the next batch of incompetent matriculating students.

Job Openings:

• Call Screener—Field calls from alumni upset that their money is going to an institution that only
invests $40 million in fossil fuels.
• Handshake coordinator—Make sure that we are appeasing Handshake either through sacrifices,
sexual favors, or bribes.
• Job Fair Attendant—Operate the Hall of Mirrors. Make sure to dispose of the blazed seniors who
get stuck halfway through.

Benefits of the job include: Residence in Dupre Hall, the Plan E meal plan (unlimited access to the
soft-serve machine, but nothing else), and loan forbearance up to $30.

Apathetically,
CDC Staff

Congratulations newly-employed Seniors! Stop by the Hegemonocle office with your

CDC ID and receive one free Hege business card—no one’s gonna ask for it anyway!
 A Message to Macalester’s Community of POC Students

Are you one of the few–if not only–brown or black student on your floor? Do you constantly feel out
of place, sticking out in floor meetings, parties, or your class on Black Feminism? When you poop in the
communal bathrooms, do you feel self conscious about your neighbor identifying your feet, writhing in
the sweet agony of emptying your bowels after an ill-fated cup of the you-colored Café Mac coffee?
Well, we have the solution for you! Instead of asking the impossible of Macalester’s admissions, Mac’s
Diversity Awareness Team has decided to add privacy dividers in each bathroom, so you and your white
neighbors can blow ass in peace!

Using Macalester’s state-of-the-art technology, entrepreneurial genius, and funds from the Dewitt-
Wallace Foundation, each public bathroom on campus will have the image of lily-white feet printed
on each divider, strategically placed underneath each stall. So, when you’re doing your business in the
bathroom, your presence will be hidden from your white peers, finally giving you the peace of mind and
comfort you deserve.

So next time you let out a steamy big one, remember to thank PBR and the diversity coordinators of
Macalester College for the opportunity to finally feel at home!

The Diversity Coordinators, Macalester College

April 26, 2019

Diversity Coordinators

1600 Grand Ave.

Saint Paul, Minnesota [email protected]
55105-1899
A Brand-New, “Patented”, Hegemonocle
Personality Self-Help Quiz
Answer honestly, and check your results on the next page!
It’s 5pm on a Saturday night, and you have nothing
planned. What do you do?
A) Curl up with a good book and a cup of tea.
B) Head to a party! There’s nothing better than having a horrible time on a weekend night.
C) Begin to plan my daring escape from the island I’ve been exiled to.
D) Pregame for the Kagin.

What is your What’s your major?

greatest fear? A) English.
A) Too much attention. B) Sociology!
B) Being ignored. C) French, obviously.
C) Russian winters. D) Political science.
D) Never making a difference.

When you’re working in a group, what role do you

naturally take?
A) I like to stay in the background, doing my work without getting in anyone’s way.
B) I’m good at figuring out who should be doing what. I like taking charge!
C) I am the greatest military commander in history, you tête de nœud! In groups, I lead
my soldiers to rule continental Europe for nearly a decade!
D) I snap when people say things that I disagree with.

What’s your favorite genre

of music?
A) I prefer classical.
B) Pop!
C) The drums of my soldiers marching across
battlefields, my enemies bleeding dry around me.
D) Alternative rock.

Which piece of clothing in your wardrobe will

you never get rid of?
A) My cardigan. It’s so comfy!
B) The swimsuit I take to every pool party.
C) My tricorn hat.
D) The Consent is Mac shirt, obviously.
 R e s u l t s

If you answered mostly A

You are a ham-fisted caricature of an introvert, you edgelord. In
what shitty fanfiction do you live? You know you have to talk to people
sometimes, right? Get down off your high horse and join the rest of us
in real life, where books are for nerds and magazines are for geeks.

If you answered mostly B

You’re just as bad as the last guy! Something about these quizzes really draws out
the crazies, huh? If you really live the way you say you do, there’s no way your liver
isn’t straining to escape your insides. Play it safe and see your local practitioner for
alcohol poisoning.

If you answered mostly C

You are Napoleon Bonaparte, the only rational person taking this
quiz and the disgraced ex-Emperor of France, leader of one of the most
successful military campaigns in history. You have a tendency to end up
exiled on tiny islands, though, so watch out for that: they’re going to try
that one a second time.

If you answered mostly D

You probably attend Macalester College. Oh, it’s in St. Paul. Yeah, Minnesota, that’s
the one. Yeah, it does get really cold up there. At this point, there’s nothing we can say
to help you. No advice can save you from the life you’re going to lead.
 Virginia Office of
Macalester EMS
College
MCEMS
Sample Patient Care Report for EMT
Division of Educational1600
1041 Technology
Development
Grand Ave
Saint Paul, Park Drive
MN 55105
Glen Allen, VA 23059
651-696-6000
Macalester College Emergency Medical Services
Practical Stations 804-888-9120

Dupre Hall
Call Location____________________________________________________________ April 26, 2019
Date____________________
Alexander [REDACTED] 18 M White
Patient Name _____________________________________________ Age_____ Years/Months Sex ____ Race _____

Time LOC Pulse Respirations BP Perfusion Pupils GCS Score

Barely Rate: Rate: ___ Normal ___ Normal
1:15 am ______ Alert 80 ____ PERL EYE:

Raspy Voice ___ Increased not labored

______ ____ R > L VERBAL:
VERBAL:

8 Yes
___ Increased/Labored OR Yes
____ Palpated ___Decreased
______ Pain ____ L > R MOTOR:

Decreased/Fatigued ____ Not

Yes Unresp
______ Yes
____ DIL TOTAL: N/A

Obtained
____ Not Obtained ____ Not Obtained ____ Absent YesNot
____ ____ CON
Obtained
____ Unable to ____ Unable to ____ Unable to ____ UNREACT
Rate: Rate: ___ Normal ___ Normal
______ Alert ____ PERL EYE:
Assesment Findings:
___ Increased not labored
______ Voice ____ R > L VERBAL:
At 1:00 am MCEMS fielded an anonymous call that informed them of a situation in the ____ Dupre 5 East men's bathroom. Upon arrival to the scene, head EMT
Palpated
___ Increased/Labored OR ___Decreased
[redacted], ______
noticedPain
a muffled whimper coming from a shower stall. In the stall they found a male subject wearing only underwear ____ L > R and showing
MOTOR:superficial signs
of diabetic dermotherapy—red-blotched and scaly skin. The marks covered 95% of the subject’s
Decreased/Fatigued ____ Not
body and when asked what happened the subject repeated over
and over again:
______"Turtleneck!
Unresp Find me a turtleneck! Pleaseeeeee." First Year Eddy Tak informed the responding personnel that "I woke up an
____ DIL hour ago to take a
TOTAL:
leak and when I got to the bathroom that’s when I saw Alexander. Well, it looked a lot like Alexander but different. Like his body had turned inside out. Red
Obtained
and purple everywhere. I asked ____him if someone____
Not Obtained gotNot
a little lovebite.
Obtained He said he didn't know what I was talking
____ Absent ____ Notabout. He told
____me
CONto go away and leave him be."
EMTs decided to hoist the subject from the floor and carry him to his dorm room. At the subject's dorm roomObtained a female student opened the door to receive him.
She told the EMTs "he loves ____ Unable to
it when I mark my____ Unable to
territory." EMTs then departed from the scene____ Unable to
having determined the cause ____ UNREACT
of the unusual appearance to be
superficial suctioning of the skin. On their way out they noticed Tak saying "He's just another hickey-boy now. Pathetic."
Assessment Findings
Treatment Reccomendations

MCEMS recommends skin grafts taken from the 5% of unsuctioned skin, or supplied by a donor. In addition it is suggested that school approve Alexander's
request for funding in order to clother his naked skin. Turtlenecks, hoodies, and neck warmers will all be a necessity

Treatment Performed

Lead Name Assist Name

ALL INFORMATION MUST BE LEGIBLE TO BE COUNTED

Page 1 Virginia Office of Emergency Medical Services

www.vdh.virginia.gov/oems
EMS.TR.65
 LC Bathroom Use

Max the Cat

Scotty’s Eaten Construction Zones Within
Five Miles of Campus

Mac Missed Connections

Pipe Cleaners in the
Idea Lab

Scotty’s Eaten Hours Following a

Kagin
Blood Donors to Children’s

REDACTED
Miracle Network

Scotty’s Eaten Number of Mac Students

Practicing Scientology
Amount of Graphs
Rectal Prolapse

Scotty’s Eaten Blank Pages in the Hege

That Need to be Filled
 Brian’s Crow
It’s near midnight on a Wednesday in April and the gray hallways of Macalester’s Theater and
Dance Building are dark. A distant custodian turns a corner somewhere and I hear his vacuum rum-
ble and then fade. The only other sound comes from a dance studio whose lights flood into the snowy
courtyard behind it. I enter and blaring music accosts me. It’s an instrumental version of A Chorus
Line’s opening song: “I Hope I Get It.” Standing in the middle of the room a svelte man raises his hand
and waves to me, then lifts it in rhythm. Brian Rosenberg bends his body, singing the lyrics and gy-
rating his way across the dance floor. Glitter on his face reflects the overhead pink lights. He strikes a
pose. I applaud.
Earlier this month Brian announced in a campus-wide email that he would be stepping away from
his role as Macalester’s President at the end of the 2019-2020 school year. What he didn’t announce,
and why I’m here now, is the reason that he’s leaving after more than a decade and a half on the job.
Brian wants to be an actor.
Brian tells me that in his house growing up he dreamed of being a thespian, but it was always that,
a dream. “Well I come from a line of Dickens scholars. My Dad studied Dickens at the University of
Chicago, and his Dad at Oberlin College. I grew up in a little Dickens town in Colorado, where the main
employer was the Dickens publishing house. Dad would come home in his reading glasses face all black
from the ink and he’d sit me down and just recite Dickens’ passages from memory. My real first name
is Charles, actually, but I go by my middle name to differentiate from my brothers. My older sister
was the dark horse of the family because she went and studied Mark Twain, and after that, being the
youngest sibling, ya know, the decision was kind of made for me. But I had other dreams.”
He goes on: “It’s always been in the back of my mind that if the Dickens thing didn’t work out, then
maybe I’d give it a shot. And then they gave me the presidency and I figured I’d be out of Mac by 2010
at the latest. An actor peaks in his late 50s so I had this whole building built just to prime me for my
own prime. I had it all set up, it was gonna be real. It is gonna be real. But then I kind of just stuck
around” says Rosenberg whose 16 years at Macalester mark the longest tenure of any president since
the early 1900s.
Long an open-secret, and to the fear and disdain of the custodial staff, Brian spends three or four
nights a week roaming Macalester’s facilities. “I’m usually in Theater and Dance. That’s my home base,
where I feel comfortable and where I can just bug out and fantasize about barely getting by as an actor.
But sometimes I can’t be on stage or in the studio. I’ve got to seperate myself from the work for a while,
so I’ll go over to the LC and just swim laps in the dark. I’ll float in the pool, hold my breath, pretend the
water is a big womb. I’m just a little egg-dwelling Brian in this great big world. The water energizes me,
but humbles me too. I urinate and the warmth relaxes me. And then after I swim I go to Cafe Mac and
just stick my mouth underneath
the chocolate ice cream spigot. I
call it a cold-pour. Getting out of
the theater and around campus
makes it so much easier to enjoy
the time that I do act.”
On this particular night
though, Brian is feeling it.
Drenched in sweat and bobbing
up and down, as soon as “I Hope
I Get It” finishes, Brian curls
his lips in and begins to sing in
an astonishingly high-pitched
voice. “EVERY TIME I LOOK AT
YOU I DON’T UNDERSTANDDD,
WHY YOU LET THE THINGS YOU
DO GET SO OUT OF HANDDD.” I
recognize the tune from “Jesus
Christ: Superstar” but decline
to sing along even after Brian
shimmies over to me and extends
a slippery hand. Sweat
pours off of him and his
white stubble is a par-
ticular shade of hopeful.
His calves are cut, his
leotard taut, and his
muscles like little spires
animating a skyline.
After the song wraps
up he moves seamlessly
into a series of Shake-
spearean soliloquies
and then finally scoots
up to me.
Brian looks dreamily
at the snow outside.
“So here I am after
30 years in academia
and I’ve finally got the
means to go move out
West and begin my life.
Besides, even if I do end
up broke and homeless
in LA, the students will
finally respect me. But that’s not going to happen because me and Danai go way back. I’m planning
on arriving unannounced and crashing with her for a while. I’ve already sold my house on Summit as
well as the chapel just to buy my plane ticket and have money for food. That should be enough money,
right? I haven’t gone shopping for myself in a while, but I always leave IOUs when I take food from Cafe
Mac. $15 for an ice cream or $20 for some curly fries. I’m just a normal guy trying to make it.”
I spend the next two hours watching Brian dance and act and cry and laugh and I can’t help but
laugh with him. Before this interview, Bruce Kissler, class of ‘99, member of the Board of Trustees and
veteran of the community theater circuit, told me that “Bri-Bri’s got what it takes. He’s handsome,
powerful, upper-middle-class, and white. I’ve got no doubt that should he want to pursue acting, no one
will tell him it’s a terrible idea and he’ll probably move out there and be oblivious to it all. Kind of like
Tommy Wiseau in ‘The Room.’”
From just ten minutes with Brian I can tell that Bruce was right. He’s dynamic, confident, and a
hopelessly terrible actor. I mean like really fuckin’ bad. His agent, the recently-departed David Sisk,
calls his style Sandler-esque, but I’ve got the feeling that Brian sees himself as more of a Russel Crowe.
Before I exit the room Brian turns to me, glitter drifting off of his cheeks, and says “This feels right.
This is what happiness feels like.”
 A Selection of Conversations Overheard at
La musée International des Memes (The International
Museum of Memes), Originally Founded in 2056.
“In this piece, XxX_DoggHouseBoii_XxX uses the Android
“Laughing while Crying” emoji instead of the far more typical
iOS variant. To the casual viewer, it may seem like a simple
mistake, but many scholars argue that it is a deliberate choice. By
using the emoji from the cheaper (but more common) Android
operating system, he invites us to consider that the ubiquity of the
iOS emojis reproduced classist ideas that the iPhone was the “nor-
mal” phone brand even though it was far less common. He paints
a picture of a world where Android emojis are the norm, as they
rightfully should be.”
XxX_DoggHouseBoii_XxX

“Here we see one of the first memes, made by a primitive, early

people. It is difficult to discern the meaning, as we know so little
about it, but it seems that the cat, because it is fat, desires the
‘cheezburger’. Why this was funny, we may never know.

“Sorry for the dumb question, but - what exactly is the differ-
ence between post-post-meta-pseudo-post-ironic memes and
post-meta-meta-pseudo-ironic memes?”

Can I has Cheezburger

“This work is from PM_ME_CAT_VAGINAS’s

early period, which was primarily defined by
JPEG compression levels in the unusually high 5-7
range. The next piece we’ll see is from their Black
Period, where they moved towards compressing
their works multiple times, and explored frequent
use of the Photoshop ‘plastic wrap’ filter.”
~

Creepy Condescending Wonka

“If you wanna really get into the literature, it’s important to be familiar with the taxonomic names. This one here is Ma-
leamica Distractus, and this one is Cerebera Galactica.
~
“This is obviously an authentic MyNeckMySack piece. It has
all the characteristics of her other deep-fried works!”
“Are you daft? MyNeckMySack was well known for her
commitment to authenticity. A careful examination of this
piece reveals that though it looks like she used the Instagram
“Rise” filter, it is fact just a simple brown tint. Do you really Hey Mom
think she would be satisfied with a simple brown tint?”
“Normally, no, but we have records indicating that she had
lost her phone at the time, and would not have had access to
Instagram!”
“Oh, please. There were other ways of applying Instagram
filters, and she certainly would have gone to any lengths to
ensure authenticity! Next you’ll tell me she would have been
willing to stoop so low as to create a piece without using
Comic Sans!”
~

MyNeckMySack

“This USB drive contains the only known remaining copy

of the original galaxy brain meme, with no compression or
filters. Bidding starts at $10,000,000.”
~
The Last Copy of the Original Brain Galaxy Meme

“We can actually use these memes to learn about the

cultures that produced them! For example, many memes
from this period refer to an “N-word pass” and to a
“big tiddy goth girl gf ”. We believe the “big tiddy goth
girl gf ” may be some sort of goddess who people hoped
to earn the favor of, and the “N-word pass” may be a
reference to some now-lost epic poem, as these memes
always express a desire to obtain it, much like the myth-
ical golden fleece.”
~ Walter

“This piece, part of her ‘found comments’ series and simply titled “Walter”, is one of her most mysterious works. Function-
ally, it is just a screenshot, but the content invites a flurry of questions – who is Walter Clements? On which video are
they commenting? Is it their real name? And, most importantly: why do they say ‘walter’? Is it a mistake? An intention-
al non-sequitur? Or does it mean something more to them – something that only they could have understood?
To further add to the mystery of this piece, no one has ever been able to find the original comment. It may be a complete
fiction, or it may have simply been lost to the mists of time. I invite you all to consider how your interpretation of the
piece would change if it was found to be fictitious”
Your guide to last minute
love this semester <3
Another semester gone by without a date? Before you turn to
Tinder, Hege has some tips on where to find last minute love
this semester...

Kagins - The trash option. We all know this. Don’t do it.

Founder’s Day - No better time to fall in love than at the

sweat fest that is Cafe Mac *transformed* into Cafe Mac but
with more tablecloths and free soda (isn’t it always free???)

Info desk - You both lost your Principles of Econ textbook at

the same time? Wow, what a coincidence! You’ll either fight to
the death or fall deeply in love. Your choice.
For the record though, textbooks are pretty damn expensive

In line at Cafe Mac - That awkward, lanky,

only-wears-sweatpants kid in line next to you? Might have
a heart of gold. Utilize some conversation starters such as
“What’s your favorite cafe mac dessert?” or “What do you
think of the influence of capitalism in our agricultural markets,
resulting the the mass production of the food we consume
today…?”

During class - Maybe that kid that annoys the living shit out
of you during class actually has a good soul. Maybe if you get
to know him, he’ll learn to acknowledge your opinions. Sprin-
kle some holy water on him “on accident”. If he burns, you’ll
know who you’re dealing with.

At the LC - You’re sweaty, they’re sweaty; love is gross. And

the sauna is warm.

Library study room - Apparently the beanbags in the library

are called love sacks? Have at it.

Music practice room - major mistake, minor reward :-(

18+ night at Gay Nineties - You’re sweaty, they’re sweaty;

love is gross. And filled with drag queens.
 What is your major’s

CONSPIRACY THEORY?
Old Main
ENGLISH: Marlon James has a ghostwriter
CLASSICS: Andy Overman is the one that poisoned Socrates for
corrupting the youth
HISTORY: Just a gateway career to become a state farm agent
WGSS: RACIST

Carnegie Science Hall

POLITICAL SCIENCE: [REDACTED]
SOCIOLOGY: Just the Marxist Studies department for the fence-sitters.
ECONOMICS: The department is repaying World Bank and IMF loans
from the 70s
INTERNATIONAL STUDIES: They only pursued International Studies
because they didn’t get into their first choice UWC
ANTHROPOLOGY: They’re collecting information on humans for The
Mothership

Olin-Rice
NEUROSCIENCE: Not a real major, just something to make pre-med
students feel useful.
BIOLOGY: There is a cadaver lab
CHEMISTRY: The chem professors run a drug ring to raise funds for a new
IR machine
PHYSICS: The stargazing nights are really just so they can communicate with
The Mothership
COMPUTER SCIENCE: 6d 61 64 65 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 6f 6f 6b
MATHEMATICS: Lost the bet against Theater and Dance Majors to get
custody of new building
GEOLOGY: Supports fossil fuel investment
PSYCHOLOGY: all psychology classes are taught in Olri 352
ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES: They pollute the Mississippi and are only
powered by coal stoves and orphan tears.
GEOGRAPHY: G.I.S. stands for “guys in swimsuits ;;;DDDD”
J-Wall and Theatre Building
MUSIC: The department closed 10k to have more concerts in Mairs
ART HISTORY: Secretly boring... except they burned down the old
theatre building
STUDIO ART: Sponsored by Big Crayola
THEATER AND DANCE: Won the bet against Math majors to get custody of

Neill Hall
AMERICAN STUDIES: A way for Mac GOP to prove they’re not racist
MEDIA AND CULTURAL STUDIES: For Philosophy students that want to
get a job (or at least thinks it’ll help them get a job)
CRITICAL THEORY: Secretly pretentious
PORTUGUESE: The professors are really just speaking spanish with a
really bad accent
LINGUISTICS: They only speak Esperanto
FRENCH AND FRANCOPHONE STUDIES: Has lost twice in battle to the
German department
JAPANESE: All of the weebs are a false flag attempt by China to mak
Japan look bad internationally.
LATIN AMERICAN STUDIES: Was formed on the same day as the
Iran-Contra affair.
CHINESE: Secretly runs Cafe Mac East to make sure Americans never
really know Chinese cuisine
RUSSIAN STUDIES: The new baddies
GERMAN STUDIES: The old baddies
 We Do

You and I are in a group marriage now. Yes, you, the person reading this. No, don’t look
around like this is referring to someone else. You know exactly who you are. We are now sister
wives...or husbands...or married peoples. You know that guy from your chemistry class who
talks over the professor, you’re married to him, too. You know that person you grinded on at the
Beyoncé Kagin two years ago? Yeah, you’re married to them. Do you remember last winter, when
that girl coughed on you and didn’t even say sorry?

You’re, like, super married now, and you’ll be sharing a lot more than germs. You know, like
that song? “Imagine you and me, and me and you, and 13 other people too?” We are many who
have come together to lead a life most pleasing to nature.

I know you’ll need time to adjust, but I can answer any inquiries about your new life of multi-
wedded ultra-bliss. Why, you’re asking? Because we noticed you--your stout, strong arms will
work perfectly in plowing our fields and tending to our beasts. How did this happen? As soon as
you took this copy of the Hegemonocle, you agreed to it, till death do us part--all of us. Where?
If I told you in a public magazine, I would tip off the police about our violation of St. Paul’s
unrelated-persons-cohabitation limit. I hear you asking, “But aren’t you (it’s we now) all married
now?” Not in the way the state recognizes, Spouse 26. What do we do? We do everything
together: eating, working, classes, praying, sleeping, all except for sex. It’s an entirely non-
physical marriage. Human copulation is a dirty sin and frowned upon. Look out for
any one of us. We’re ready to initiate you into our holy, many-person union.
We’ll keep in touch, honey.
 Collect-a-Brian
I have lost my mind and I am
making no effort to look for it

Bop em,
cop em,
chop chop flock em about,
on the block trade them with your friends,
minecraft blow my big brain up and try not to pout,
tonight when the big, bad monster hidden under your bed
ima fight til a creeper is in sight reaches out to you and says,
big crock “I want Brian instead”.
on my pot
when my chicken stew is hot
oh oho oh oh oho oh

my wifey my my wife-u
he’s big and he’s strong she brings me much joy
he knows no limits i say uwu, make kitten face
he will slurp down spaghetti she give me a smile
in one gulp he gets it she soft and she strong
his intestines are full only half which i am
but of only one noodle i love her my wifey
and if you want marinara and she love who i am
he says to you, “check moodle”