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The Hegemonocle
Volume 21 Fall 2019 Issue 2
 THE MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine
Volume 20, Issue 2
Fall 2019
Hege Gets Sued ™ Edition

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Maeghan Sullivan ’20
Zoe Berkovitz ’20

EDITORIAL
Managing Editor
Autumn Campbell ’21

Head Writer
Ben Townsend ’20

Radio Editors
Zoe Berkovitz '20
Lidija Namike '21

DESIGN
Head of Production
Lidija Namike ’21
Neck of Production
Kirk Lobban ‘21

STAFF
*Austin Jesko ‘21 Jared Jageler ‘22
*Ethan Shaw ‘21 Sophia Vischer ‘22
Kate Sibila ‘21 Niko Bjork ‘22
Finn Odum ‘21 Aberdeen Morrow ‘22
Rennie DiCarlo ‘22 Julian Applebaum ‘23
Baxter Gordon ‘22 Coat Rack ‘99
* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS
To the company P***** for sue-ing us
To David Wheaton for saving us from the Sue-ing
To the Hege staff of 2015 for getting us into this mess
To the private snapchat that helped us raise $750 to pay our debts
To Kris Lindhahl’s Arms for staying up that long, that’s stamina
To Taoyateduta for a surpisingly easy victory
Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11

Contact us: The Macalester Most characters appearing The Hegemonocle is published four-ish
[email protected] Hegemonocle in this work are fictitious. times per academic year.
Macalester College Any resemblance to real
All content, except what we’ve stolen
@hegemonocle 1600 Grand Avenue persons, living or dead, is from elsewhere, is © The Macalester
2 facebook.com/hegemonocle Saint Paul, MN 55105 purely satirical. Hegemonocle, 2019.
 Dear readers,

We hate to do this, but we’re asking for your help. We got sued for copyright infringe-
ment, and we spent all our allowance money on legal fees, and now we only have $3.22 to spend
at Claire’s, which is enough for some ‘Smackers but definitely not enough for a new headband.
Instead of asking for additional allocations from Macalester, we’ve decided not to accept any
money from big donors, because The Hegemonocle ought to be supported by people like you. By
students, for students, in and on students–that’s just the way we like to do things here in cc206 at
9 pm on Thursdays.

If you’ve spent too much of daddy’s money on drugs and beer to contribute financially
to our cause right now, don’t worry: you can still help. Feel free to check out our GoFundMe,
change your Instagram profile picture to a public domain image of a hedgehog, use the hashtag
#FREEHEGE on Twitter or The Slap, or donate a meal swipe to a Hege editor (no, but really).
Together, we can get back on our feet, pay for our hot attorney, and ensure that more quality
content gets from our big, big brains to your soft, sweet little eyes.

Much love,
Zoe Berkovitz
Maeghan Sullivan
Editors-in-Chief

This Holiday Season

We are asking for some donations in order for us to pay for our (inevitable) next sue-ing.

You may make donations in the name of: We accept donations in the form of:
Cash
The Macalester Hegemonocle Check
No permanent address, taking shelter in cc206 Money order
Flex-point direct transfer
Macalester college
A God-Forsaken Parking Spot on Summit
St. Paul, MN Renaming a building after someone not racist
55015 Mini Bunt-lets
Mac Money
Zelle

MY COMMITMENT IS $:_________ Dollars/Pennies Per: (circle one) menstual cycle/hour/fortnight/fortnite

Name: _______________________________________
Address:_____________________________Apt #:____
City:________________________________State:____
Social Secuirity Number:________________________
 A Kagin Romance
I walk on to the granite floor
Beyonce’s voice carries through the door
I’m here with all my bros
I gotta stay on my toes
To find the perfect girl

I scan across the room, our eyes lock

Adios, fap sock
She draws me close with hand motions
See ya later, Hand Lotion

I make my way through the crowd

I’ve never had sex before

We dance to the rhythm of single ladies

“Your ass is nicer than a Mercedes.” We arrive, Turck 237
She whispers in my ear, “my place or yours?” I’m ready to experience heaven
I have no fear, I’ll give you a tour It starts to rise, my cock
My roommate is like Mutumbo*,
executes a block

He’s sitting in a speedo, singing satanic chants

Guess what’s on his head? His pants.
She mouths “what the fuck” then runs away
I guess it just wasn’t my day…

“I didn’t know” he stutters

“It’s OK” I mutter
“What do you want to do for the rest
of the day”
“I’ll get our fap sock” I say.

*Dikembe Mutombo is a famous basketball

player known for blocking shots
Café Mac
Bingo
Grab a friend, go munch in Caféteria Mácálestér,
and see which one of you can get CURRY
(BINGO) first! A fun, all-ages-appropriate game
for when you wait in line for a warm vegetable!
 M ale
New Specialty Housing Option Available to White,
Male Political Science Majors Fall 2020
Last week, Macalester Residential Life announced a new specialty housing option for those who feel that the
current living options oppress their identities: Pi Sigma Alpha Male, an exclusive space for white, male Political
Science majors.

Inspired by the likes of Georgetown and American University, this new house will be a space for white men to
talk to their heart’s content, free of socially imposed time constraints or classmates sending them the same
“shut-the-fuck-up” eye rolls they’ve been getting since they first quoted RadioLab in seventh grade.

As space is limited, the application process will be intensive, involving class observations by a selection com-
mittee made up of current Political Science seniors. Applicants will be judged based on the following rubric,
from which they must score at least 40 talking points.

Pathetically Has potential (5) A perfect match (10) Automatic Entry

inadequate (0) (50)

Speaks when called on; Speaks at least nine times

Listens quietly corrects the in an hour-long class period Completely unaware that
professor to the people and communicates he fits every single one of
around him throughout absolutely nothing new the requirements outlined.
class

Re-phrases what the girl Repeats to the class at least

Listens next to him said four things the girl next to
them said

Explains the
Does the reading Skims the reading in class, political situation in a coun-
quoting as he scrolls try to a girl who is from that
country

Listens Raises his hand before the Gives the professor

professor asks a question constructive criticism

Supports Bernie and Supports Amy and Pete “The country is so divided”
Elizabeth Warren

Residential Life has also announced that instead of an RA, the house will host a work-study position of
“audience.” This position quickly filled as the only responsibilities include consistent nodding, talking just enough so
that the resident feels they are sufficiently talking over someone, and printing off residents’ resumes as door decs.

We interviewed current applicant Jarrett Jaeglen, who offered comments on this game-changing living
option. Jaeglen began our interview by making it very clear that he does, indeed, get CNN daily newsletters in
his inbox every morning and when his parents let him drive their BMW to high school he did, indeed, listen to
NPR. He expressed that he is especially excited for this opportunity to have a setting where he can flex these
important aspects of his personality, unhindered by pesky professors who “need to continue the discussion in a
productive manner” and women who “have never felt heard and should finally fucking have a space to speak.”
 The Official Breakdown of Your First
Semester @ Macalester
All three of Macalester’s statistics majors have mathematically broken down how our first-years
allocated their time during their first semester. Over the course of these 80 days they have each
spent approximately…
~ 35 hours waiting for the wifi to reconnect only to realize the wifi is connected and Macalester
just doesn’t value internet access

~ 5 hours of unsuccessfully trying to break up with their high school partner

~ Every chemistry class debating whether or not they actually want to be a doctor

~ 0 hours at the gym (except for that one girl who figured out how to read on the treadmill… freak)

~ All of October thinking “it’s really not that cold”

~ Everyday since November 2nd trying to convince themselves that “it’s really not that cold”
because they’ve already committed to living in this frozen hellscape for the next 3.5 years

~ 3 unnecessary hours walking outside because they didn’t know Olin-Rice and Neill the
Humanities building were connected

~ 15 minutes holding their vom while the R.A. does bathroom checks

~ 1.5 hours doing laundry (yeah, that’s only ONE load in 80 days you nasty animals)

~ 8 hours trying to decide if they have time to jerk-off while their roommate is in the shower

~ Only 2 hours actually jerking off because their roommate takes really fast showers (except for you
Tom - you nasty animal)

~ 12 days in a NyQuil-induced haze because even

though we’re the 25th best liberal arts school in
America, not a single student has figured out how sad about sad
to wash their goddamn hands you nasty animals being horny
horny
~ Their first full week crying because they thought cold as fuck

they were too dumb to go to school here

~ Every day after the first week crying because they

realized that the pain of academia is meaningless in
the face of the climate crisis.
 Better Neil(l)s
Here at The Hegemonocle, we stand with our fourth cousins twice removed at The Mac Weekly.
We, too, believe that The Humanities Building should be renamed. In order to make this transition
easy for the campus, here are our suggestions for new Neills to name the building after:
Neil Armstrong
Neil Young
• Not to be confused with Louis
• Like original Neill, first years Armstrong
have no clue who this is • DEFINITELY landed on the moon
• Has a heart of gold • Absolutely not a paid actor involved
• OlRi, Old Main, and Carnegie with Stanley Kubrick’s fake moon
will be renamed Crosby, Stills scheme
and Nash
Sam Neill

• The guy from Jurassic Park

The Mac Weekly Special Edition • Was in Event Horizon but we
on Renaming Neill don’t talk about that
• When you walk into the build-
• Mentioned in the New York Times ing, the Jurassic Park theme
• Has been written about in every TMW issue could play and that would be
afterward, and probably future issues too fucking DOPE
• Mostly white student org that got more recog-
nition than an indigenous movement trying
to do the same thing, so pretty on brand for
Macalester’s morals
 


Neil Patrick Harris �    

 
• Gay, to appeal to the masses 
• ... �   
• . . .did we mention he wasn’t    
straight? �  � 

Neil Gaiman

• Approves of fanfiction
• Approves of God being a woman
• I can’t make fun of this man. I cannot. He’s actually amazing. Gaiman has such a gift
for writing and is just wonderful as a human and wow? He trolled the right wing
christian group who were mad they cast a woman as God in Good Omens! And don’t
get me started on—
 Should You Crash that Party
on SnapMaps? A Flowchart
How many people are there?

2 3-10 11+

What are they Does it look like

Who are they? they have alcohol?
wearing?

Your Your President All Nothing Nothing

best sexy, sexy Brian Black special ;) No Yes
special
friend, professor, Rosenberg
And and their and Max
your sexy, sexy the Cat Wait... but like, in a kinky way? This is the
partner wife local AA
meeting.
Maybe... No This is most
You do realize it’s most likely
This is most likely a
they’re having a night of sweet,
This is most likely a small nudist cult
passionate love-making, right?
likely a small apartment hellbent on
funeral, building, conquering
where they’re none of the world,
Right... lamenting the and will kill
these people
death of a likely know anyone from
This is loved one each other the outside
an orgy. and aren’t who dares
having fun. investigate
them

No. God no. These kinds

Yes, absolutely crash that party! of events are built upon
a foundation of trust, and
you, reader, by breaking
that trust? You destroy the
very building blocks of our
society. Shame on you
reader. Shame.
 F a t t e s t Squirrel on Campus
Condemns “Zero Waste By 2020” Initiative
With Macalester crawling towards its sustainability goals, squirrels all over campus are
speaking out against changes in the community’s waste habits. One activist, a Very Fat Squirrel, has
drawn attention for publicly condemning the Sustainability Office’s “Zero Waste By 2020” initiative.

“They don’t understand the impact this has on us,” says the Very Fat Squirrel. “Our
lifestyle depends on the community throwing away irresponsible amounts of perfectly good
food and food-soiled plastic. The selfish, dangerous choices of ‘composting’ and ‘recycling’
are contributing to the disenfranchisement of the Body Mass Index of squirrels everywhere.”

The local squirrels claim that Macalester’s sustainability goals are adversely affecting the squirrel
population by limiting dietary options, cutting off foraging accessibility, and lowering the overall
morale of all Macalester-Groveland rodents. This lack of accessibility and the accompanying nutrient
deficiencies has unfortunately resulted in several rodent attacks within a three-block radius of Macalester.

“We belong here just as much as anyone else,” says the Very Fat Squirrel. The Very Fat Squirrel also
shared plans to petition the Macalester College Student Government, and even the Board Of Trustees, if
necessary. The Very Fat Squirrel stated, “[the rodents of St.Paul] will not hesitate to invest everything we
have into fossil fuels if it means that we can continue to gorge ourselves on college trash.” This dispute
signifies a crumbling relationship between Macalester College and the local fauna. We warn all Macalester
students, staff, and St.Paul residents to be aware of potential bloodshed–rodent and human–in the future.

Fuck y’all

Rejected Macalester Hot Takes:

- Old Main is the Boomer of the academic buildings

- The Media and Cultural Studies department is a cover-up for the department
chair’s elaborate LSD smuggling scheme. Why do you think they have so
much La Croix? It’s full of hallucinogens.
- You’re not cooler than me just because you’re pre-med.
- Having an all white class on African American literature is bad...esp. when the
professor is white too.
- Having class.... isn’t that classist?
- Macalester should be more academically cut-throat.
- The squirrels aren’t the most interesting thing about our campus.
- Giving yourself horrible bangs is not equivalent to therapy.
- Café Mac is...bad…thank you.
- Brian Rosenberg is kind of.... hot..
 Bon App Workers Strike for none of us believe in our jobs
Whoever’s Stealing Mac Old Menu and Some Goddamn anymore, there’s no money
Fund Posters, Please Stop Peace and Quiet in print media.
Features, p.5 Sporks, p.7 Fuck, p.8

THE MACAQUE WEEKLY

formallyknownasneill.com please read our special isssue it came out on Nov. 1, 2019

English Department Embezzlement Scandal Revealed

Last week, 92-year-old English department coordinator Ernest
By JOHM STAMOZ
Editor...?
Steinback was escorted out of Old Main in rusted shackles. Macalester
security officials had to restrain him after a vicious fight, during which
the coordinator shanked two guards with a splintered fountain pen. One
bled out in the English lounge, his last words being, “Oh, I’m not going
to die, am I?” A mystified student pointed out that these were also
Charlotte Brontë’s last words. The dying guard stopped bleeding out
long enough to say, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Steinback, according to security staff, has been embezzling tens
of dollars from the department Treat Nights for 4 years. That, according
to the student workers, would explain why the last two months they've
served nothing but stale bread from the Breadsmith dumpster. When the
Maq Wekly asked Steinback how he’d gotten away with it for so long,
Steinback reportedly said, “I’m old as shit!”
Steinback kept his financial records inside a copy of a hollowed
out book written by that OTHER Macalester author.
English students were shocked and appalled at the suggestion that there were other authors
besides John Fitzgerald. “Y-you mean th-there’s more?” One nervous freshman first year stuttered. “I-I
thought that...but there can’t be…” Our reporter quickly called Mac EMS when the first year began to
shake uncontrollably. The EMS student worker, upon arriving, said, “God, another one?”
Mak Weakly’s investigators discovered he was using the finances to fund his own literary
career. Publishing under the name Jacob Joyce, Steinback has amassed an erotic literature empire.
His most popular works include Boff the Prof, Hot Coordinator Summer, and The Young Virgin and
the Aggressively Handsome and Wildly Experienced Older Man. This last piece is the one he’s most
proud of. And, according to Steinback, it is “Not a crazy fantasy” and “100% Based on true events”.
After discovering his erotica, the Maac Weeee!kly sat down with the head of the English
department, Virginia Eliot. “He’s a brilliant writer,” Eliot said. Her desk was covered with paperback
copies of Steinback’s work. “I can’t believe we’ve been sitting on this gold mine for years.”
According to Eliot, next year the English department will be offering an FYC called History of
Romance: Mr. Rochester to Mr. Grey, a craft course named Fiction: Writing Sensual Literature, and
Empowered Women Written by Male Authors, which will be cross-listed with WGSS. All will be taught
by Steinback, who is now benefiting from a cushy raise and an office lined with modern adaptations of
Gone With the Wind.

Next week: Rabid Maque Weeklee writers burn down Weyerhaeuser, threaten to burn down their own
office unless they receive $200 in flex points and BriRo’s social security number.
 Waay Baak At Mac:
An oral history of “ENGL 353 (Cross listed as ART 267):
Garfield’s Glory Days (1980-1995): A critical analysis of
Jim Davis’ transcendent cartoon”

On a brisk Sunday in late March 2007, Macalester English professor Tom Delmones opened up the
Sunday copy of the Star Tribune. What he saw next was appalling.

When I was a first year, I had heard rumors about a course that had threatened the very fabric of
Macalester’s existence, so I did some sleuthing around to see if I could uncover more. No one knew
anything about the class. It seems that the Macalester Administration spent countless hours burying the
fact that this class ever existed. I talked to Kyle Dewman, a current physics professor at Macalester. It
was rumored that he was a close friend of Professor Delmones. “Oh Tom?” Professor Dewman said. “I
haven’t talked to him in years. I can get you in touch with him though.” Professor Dewman gives me a
dusty book. “Send the book to this address. Don’t include anything else. He’ll get in touch with you if
he wants to.”

The curiosity was killing me. I blew as hard as I could on the book, to reveal that underneath the
layers of dust, was a copy of Garfield: Bigger Than Life. Of all the books in the world, why this one? I
remembered Professor Dewman’s advice, and sent the book, no questions asked.

That was two years ago. I expected that either the package got lost, or that Tom Delmones didn’t want
to talk to me. However, about a month ago, I got a letter in the mail.

MEET ME AT THE OLIVE GARDEN IN ROSEVILLE.

3:30 AM MONDAY TUESDAY.
— TOM DELMONES

Everything I had ever been told lead me to the conclusion that this was a bad idea. Meet a stranger at an
Olive Garden early Tuesday morning? However, against my better knowledge, I went.

Professor Delmones was easy to point out. He was nicely dressed, but it was his tie with a picture of
Garfield on it that gave him away. I walk over to him. Before I can say a word, he speaks. “Let me tell
you everything.”
He clears his throat. “When I was a wee lad, I eagerly waited for Sunday paper, for the sole purpose of
indulging myself in the sweet, sweet vice that is Garfield. As I got older, that love never waned. Maybe
it was how deeply I related to characters. The sadistic Garfield, the mindless Odie, and the hopeless
John. They helped me get through my parents’ divorce. When my girlfriend dumped me at the senior
prom, Garfield, Jon and Odie were there for me. As I entered college at Harvard, my schedule became
too busy to focus on Garfield anymore.
As I said before, the love never left.
Garfield is the reason I became an English
professor. Whenever I got discouraged
while writing my PhD thesis at Oxford, I
would look up at my minted copy of the
Garfield comic from October 11th, 1986,
Delmones’ minted copy of the Garfield
signed by Jim Davis himself, and I found comic from October 11th, 1986.
inspiration. You can imagine my shock
when I opened the newspaper in March 2007. Usually I just read the front page and the opinion section,
but on this Sunday, I thought to myself, ‘Oh what the hell! I’ll indulge myself in a Garfield comic. Why
Not?’”

He takes a deep sigh. I start to see tears well up in his eyes. I tell him he can stop, but he continues.
“No, have to go on.” he says. “My jaw dropped to the floor. The Garfield comic was so horrible, an
unexplainable rage filled my body. It must be an outlier, I thought. I spent the next 3 days sifting
through Garfield comics. What I found was shocking. They were all bad! I went back ten years and I
couldn’t find a damn good comic! What happened? What happened to brilliance of Garfield? Have my
students at Macalester never seen a good Garfield comic? How do I reach them? Then it dawned on me.
‘I’ll teach a class! I will expose my students and Macalester to the golden age of Garfield!’ The next
day, I filed papers for the new class to be taught immediately, in the fall of 2007. It was titled Garfield’s
Glory Days (1980-1995): A critical analysis of Jim Davis’ Transcendent Cartoon. However, it never
stood a chance. The Macalester Vice Dean of Faculty John Stamos, yes that John Stamos, struck it
down within moments of it reaching his desk. He claimed that the course wouldn’t add anything to the
campus curriculum, and that no student would take the class.”

However, Professor Delmones doesn’t believe that narrative.

“Vice Dean Stamos is a known Garfield hater and Dilbert advocate”

Professor Delmones seethes. “Research his academic profile. He wasn’t a
Dilbert scholar at Brown for no reason! His ruling on my class was laced
John Stamos
gradu

Dilbert Scholar
with ulterior motives!” At this point, Professor Delmones stands up. “I
can’t do this anymore. Please, just let others know the truth.”

Well folks, that's it for this week of Waay Baak at Mac. The tragic story of
a professor and his failed class. Next week, We’ll take an in-depth look at
Stamos’ Brown Dilbert
Scholar Diploma Brian Rosenberg’s 2008 presidential campaign.
 Catch up on Classes!
Check out some of the new course offerings across the departments for this
spring semester:

ART-594 Finger Painting

NCSI - 180 Plain, Rind: A Savior (Praise Thee)

ENG - 353 Garfield’s Glory Days (1980-1995): A Critical Analysis of Jim Davis’s Transcendent
Crosslisted with ART-267 Cartoon

Seminar in Existential Climate Dread

ENV-397

JPN-194 Times, They are a’ changin: Japanese Love-Suicide Operas of the 18th Century

WGSS-270 Maybe not that bad after all: Dead White Men in the European Anthropocene

CHIN-305 Political Freedom in Hong Kong

ECON-121 Stonks

GEOL-280 Queer Women Geologists of the 1890’s

MUS-194 BhadBhabie, DaBaby, Baby Shark: Contemporary Hip-Hop Freedom Anthems

RELI-401 Checkmate, Atheists: Deconstructing Arguments using Cold Hard Facts and Logic
Satisfies requirement for Critical Theory Concentration

The New Cats Movie: Political Ramifications of Furry Representation in Cinema

MCST-250
Five seats held for FURR

ECON-263 Daddy’s Money: Finding One and Getting It

ACTC SPORT-101
Saint Thomas
Apology to the People’s Republic of China
Hegemonocle Editor-in-Chief Milly Dontsue has issued the following state-
ment regarding the Hegemonocle and China:
‘‘I recognize our initial statement left people angered, confused or unclear on who we are or what the
Hegemonocle stands for. Let me be more clear.

One of our staff-writers made a joke containing the language ‘‘Political Freedom in Hong Kong’’ in
reference to a course offering by the Macalester Chinese Department.

Over the last three decades, the Hegemonocle has developed a great affinity for the people of China.
We have seen how humorous articles can be an important form of people-to-people exchange that
deepens ties between the United States and China.

Values of equality, respect and freedom of expression have long defined the Hege -- and will continue
to do so. At the same time, we recognize that our two countries have different political systems and
beliefs.

In fact, one of the enduring strengths of the Hege is our diversity -- of views, backgrounds, ethnicities,
genders and religions. Twenty-five percent of Hegemonocle writers were born outside of Minnesota
and our colleagues have seen photos of countries around the world, including in Beijing, Hong Kong,
Shanghai and Taipei.

With that diversity comes the belief that whatever our differences, we respect and value each other;
and, what we have in common, including a belief in the power of jokes to make a difference.

It is inevitable that people around the world -- including from America and China -- will have
different viewpoints over different issues. It is not the role of the Hegemonocle to adjudicate those
differences.

Macalester runs deep in the hearts and minds of our two peoples. At a time when divides between
nations grow deeper and wider, we believe humor can be a unifying force that focuses on what we
have in common as human beings rather than our differences.

We deeply apologize for the offense our joke may have caused and look forward to continuing the
prosperous relationship between the Hegemonocle and the People’s Republic of China.’’
 Hey Macalester Students!
Do YOU Need to Make Cash FAST?
Are you tired of paying for the increasing tuition prices to help fund
Macalester’s expensive habit of giving financial aid to rich kids?
Do you feel like a lazy good for nothing with only three part-time jobs
and an 18 credit course load?
Do you have an hourly wage that’s less than a meal at Cafe Mac?

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR BETTER OPTIONS???

Why not fully engage with the free market and make quick cash
selling your organs on the black market!
No pesky government regulation to stop you from reaching your
full potential!
You can fully benefit from the sweet magic of supply and
demand; people always need bone marrow!
Become your own boss and decide your own work hours! You’re
not only allowed but ENCOURAGED to take naps on the job!
Meet engaging coworkers and grateful clients who want what
YOU have to offer them!

All employees given a 50% off discount on dialysis machines

after first kidney donation!

Call now, while limited positions remain. Applicants with O- and

AB blood types are preferred, but not a requirement.

If God wanted you to keep both of your corneas, He wouldn’t

have created eye patches!

$100 sign-on bonus for those willing to forgo anesthesia

 Macalester Starter Pack
earrings so heavy you’ll need the nose ring
crisis bangs botox by the time you graduate you got in the

Carhartt beanie:
you’re not
working class

your “accidental”
self-exploration mustache

longsleeve under why did you think

shortsleeve to prove this was worth the
you like music 45 cents you spent

cords
your proudest absolutely crippling
goodwill bins seasonal depression
I bet you didn’t even
two majors do Macward Bound
three minors and Blundstones
a concentration

wireframe
airpods the turtleneck that saved glasses
your life when you woke up
ready to meet with your professor sweatshirt from a university
but there was a kagin last night you didn’t get into but cropped
and you look in the mirror and your to prove you’re dEFinitely over it
more blundstones neck has been absolutely fucking mauled
oh god did I really hook up with them
without a doubt. every time you
remind your grandmother you
didn’t get into Brown you feel
comPLETEly at ease with where
you are and the life that the Brown
admissions board chose for you
and it’s totally nOT awkward.
you’re fINE.

the only way not to talk to

i bet you use an iphone
camera you fuck your way back from class yeah, you read the christ a-fucking-live i swear to
news AND go to gOd if I see another fucking
farmers markets pair of blundstones
Breaking: The Hegemonocle Gets Sued
That’s right. It happened. I know what you’re thinking; what
asinine sex joke finally got us taken out? Well joke’s on you,
we’re getting sued due to a copyright issue!

Since SOMEBODY decided 4 years ago to use a copyrighted

image from [REDACTED], we have decided to respond in
the most mature and sensible way we know how: never pub-
lishing a new article ever again.

That’s right, fuckers. Never again. From now on it’s only old
pieces from the archive. Do you remember the Daily Piper
being renamed the Mac Daily? We sure as hell don’t! But
because of you ingrates, be prepared to read nothing but
Artist’s Renditioning of the
jokes about that until the end of time. offending image.

It’s just we worked so hard on that issue, and this is the

thanks we get? Do people even ACTUALLY read the Hege
or do they just thumb through looking for reasons to sue
us?

I mean it’s not even like we poured our HEART and SOUL
into every single issue. It’s not like we spent years just
trying to spread joy. BUT APPARENTLY all you heartless
bastards see the Hege only as a limitless source of lawsuits
and money.

You know what? We don’t even care. We never even liked

writing new pieces. It’s hard and people are mean about
How y’all look at us, apparently them. So THANK YOU SOooooooo much [REDACTED] for
letting us just give up!
So goodbye forever, everyone. You’ll never hear a novel thought from us again.

So please enjoy these gems from the archive!

 Special thank you to Hege writers of years past.
Especially those whose work we have “legally reprinted” in this issue:
Fall 2010: Volume 3, Issue 1
Spring 2013: Volume 8, Issue 2
Fall 2013: Volume 9, Issue 2 The Red Issue
Spring 2014: Volume 10, Issue 1 Cosmo Mini Issue
Spring 2014: Volume 10, Issue 3 The Male Model Issue
Fall 2015: Volume 13, Issue 2 The Poster Issue

Volume 8, Issue 2
Spring 2013

Volume 10, Issue 3

Spring 2014
fall.2010 Hegemonocle volume3.issue1

Multicultural, international, intelligent = fucking annoying

The Hegemonocle found the notecards of the first draft of his speech welcoming the
class of 2014. We decided to reprint them for you here.
[Brian Rosenberg]

As the current President of Macalester College,

r al
one of the nation’s premier liberal arts institutions,
lt u
icu
I am proud to announce that the Class of 2014 is

lt
set to be the most international, multicultural, in-
telligent, and of course really fucking annoying, in
the school’s entire history. While not to insult past mu
students academic ability, background and overall

douchbaggery, the freshman class is truly an ex-

int ceptional bunch. The Class of 2014’s average com-
ern posite SAT was a whole 100 points higher than the
ati Class of 2013 and they won’t stop talking about it
on for a fucking millisecond. At freshman convoca-
al tion alone there were 145 backwards, flat brimmed
Red Sox hats along with 201 pairs of yellow skinny

jeans. This year’s class also boasts assholes from

97 different countries and all 50 states who all
can’t wait to monopolize class discussions, use
the word “hegemony” in friendly conversation,
ig ent
and of course, drink all the upperclassmen’s alco-
n t ell
hol. Many of them studied oversees while in high
school, learning techniques from assholes abroad i
about how to condescend classmates in their own
countries. Some of them have overcome hardship
to hold up the line in Cafe Mac. Others have come

annoyi from years of excellence to throw up everywhere

ng! in a stranger’s house on a weekend. Yet while
these shitmongers were dispersed throughout the
country being annoying little fuckers, they have

congregated here at Macalester College to take full advantage of the

academic experience and of each other while intoxicated. Over the
next four years I expect the very best from this class, whether it be
talking loudly in the library to being condescending as fuck about
your lack of familiarity with Foucalt, class of 2014 will surely be by
far the most outstanding.
 le s t e r p ic k -u p li n e s :
Maca
How much does a polar bear weigh?
Enough to break the ice given the current state of our polar caps.

I heard you haven’t been studying for Ochem. You must want the “D.”

I lost my phone number.

Can I send you a hand written letter?

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven

after realizing that there is no objective truth?

Please pick that up.

Do you realize the environmental impact of plastic?

Are you tired? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day
after that comment about America being a place of Kafkaesque tedium.

Do you have a library card?

Because I forgot mine and want to check out this Charles Baxter book.

If I could rearrange the alphabet

I would not put U and I, but U and ME together.

Is it hot in here?
Or is it just my subjective experience?

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this cold, meaningless world?

Are you from Tennessee?

Because I am trying to meet someone from each of the 50 states.

Are you in the right headspace to hear a pick-up line right now?

Is your name Foucault?

Because I don’t know you that well, but I talk about you all the time.

Can I come by during your office hours today?

I smoke cigarettes
Volume 9, Issue 2
Fall 2013
Volume 13, Issue 2: The Poster Issue
Fall 2015
spring 2013 volume8.issue.2
Yo Mama Particle Discovered
by Admiral Ackbar
After years in particle physics leading physicists have discovered the yo mama particle.
It’s been determined that yo mama so fat, that it gives mass to everythi ng in the
universe.

We discussed with the scientists how they were able to get yo mama to move that fast,
and the leading theoretical physicist had this to say: “Man, the only way we could get yo
mama to come out of hiding was by saying there was a jelly donut.” Other scientists added
in “Oh Damn!”
Yo mama

e scientist responsible for this Yo Yo Ma has fought off allegations that he was the
earth-shattering discovery. Particle for years

We, of course, had the question, how is yo mama able to give mass to everything in the
universe, and top physicist Jack Johnson had this to say “Man yo mama so fat she encompasses
everything in the universe.” Other scientists added in “Ooooohhhh!” and “Daaaaaaaaaaamn!”

is was an exciting announcement as this has come right after the announcement of the yo
mama black hole. We asked one of the top scientists in Black Hole theory what he imagined it
would look like. “Man, yo mama so ugly we can’t even manage to take a photo, cause yo mama
so fat light can’t escape her mass.”

What else is there to be said about this scientiic marvel? Not much, except that yo mama
been with so many guys, that every person on earth has had her.

Hanz Zharkoff, former NASA and CERN astrophysicist, is considered to be one of the leading
minds in the eld of particle theory. When asked about the yo-mama and its implication for the
future of the eld the genius theorist offered this, “DAMN YO MAMA SO FAT WHEN SHE
WALK BY THE TV YOU MISS 3 EPISODES!!!!”

Others in the eld believed this to be a totally sick burn, scientiically speaking.
Volume 13, Issue 2: The Poster Issue
Fall 2015
Volume 13, Issue 2: The Poster Issue
Fall 2015
Volume 10, Issue 1
Spring 2014
ATTN: ​The Mac Weekly
1600 Grand Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55105

Dear ​Mac Weekly​,

This law firm represents Macalester Hegemonocle LLC. If you are

represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney
immediately and have your attorney notify us of such representation. It has
​ s semesterly edition titled
recently come to our attention that ​The Mac Weekly ’
The Mock Weekly is an unlawful copying of Macalester Hegemonocle LLC’s
publication ​The Hegemoncle​, and ​infringes upon our client’s exclusive
copyrights of humor within the 55104 U.S.A. area code. Accordingly, you are
hereby directed to:

CEASE AND DESIST ALL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT.

The Macalester Hegemonocle is a highly respected publication, read by the

likes of Kofi Annan, Max the Cat, Michelle Obama, David Sisk, João Goulart, and
the girl reading this. ​The Macalester Hegemonocle consistently produces “top
tier, high level shit” that it values deeply and fights constantly to protect.
The Macalester Hegemonocle takes any unlicensed use of their work very
seriously, and has ensured that significant precautions have been taken to
secure their legal rights.

If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within the
specified time period, Macalester Hegemoncle LLC is entitled to use your
failure to comply as evidence of “willful infringement” and seek monetary
damages and equitable relief for your copyright infringement. In the event you
fail to meet this demand, please be advised that Macalester Hegemoncle LLC has
asked us to communicate to you that it will contemplate pursuing all available
legal remedies, including seeking monetary damages, injunctive relief, and an
order that you pay court costs and attorney’s fees in the form of “flex
points”. Our client also wants to communicate to you that if ​The Mock Weekly
didn’t: “fucking suck total ass”, that they would have not sued. Your liability
and exposure under such legal action could be considerable. Please sign and
return the attached ​Agreement ​ within ten (10) days to:

Daddy BriRo’s Law Emporium

6969 Yomammashouse St.
Poopybuttville, Buttasota 42069

If you or your attorney have any questions, please contact me directly.

Sincerely,
Brian Rosenberg
P.S. Macalester Hegemonocle LLC wanted to leave a message. It
is written below:
Hahahahahahahahahahaha sucks to suck losers but also This is
not a fucking joke, you jackals. ​Our daddy is a lawyer, and
he’ll cause BIG trouble if you fuck with us again.​ <3, The
Hege