Lysistrata http://dramaonlinelibrary.com/plays/lysistrata-iid-126094/do-...

Lysistrata
by Aristophanes, translated by Kenneth McLeish (from: Aristophanes Plays: 1)

Open space. Centre back, the Propylaia, the imposing gateway to the Acropolis. To one side,
Pan's Grotto.

Dawn. Lysistrata is waiting.

Lysistrata
This is ridiculous! If they'd been asked to come
To some festival – for Bacchos or Aphrodite, say –
We wouldn't be able to move for castanets.
But as it is: deserted. Not a woman in sight.
Except…who's that, next door? Kalonike?

Enter Kalonike.

Kalonike
Good heavens, Lysistrata,
What's the matter? What are you scowling at?
Your eyebrows look as though they're taking off.

Lysistrata
Kalonike, it's women. They're getting me down.
I'm furious. Our husbands are quite right: 10
We are only good for one thing.

Kalonike
But we are good at that.

Lysistrata
I sent out invitations. Every woman in Greece.
SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT. COME AT ONCE
And where are they? Tucked up in bed, asleep.

Kalonike
They'll be here. You know how hard it is
For women to get out in the morning.
Wake up the slaves, see to His Nibs,
Bath the baby, feed it, burp it –

Lysistrata
Burping babies! There's more to life than that! 20

Kalonike
Lysistrata, dear, what is it?
Why have you called us? Is it important?
196
Lysistrata
Something's come up.

Kalonike
Ah. Big?

Lysistrata
Far-reaching.

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Kalonike
And they're still not here?

Lysistrata
It's sensitive.
I've been turning it over, night after night,
For weeks.

Kalonike
No wonder it's sensitive.

Lysistrata
Tell me, Kalonike:
If all we women in Greece got together,
D'you think we could save the country? 30

Kalonike
You're joking.

Lysistrata
Of course I'm not joking. This is war.
How's it to end? Is Sparta to be smashed?

Kalonike
Sounds good to me.

Lysistrata
Is Thebes to be thrashed?

Kalonike
Oh yes – if they spare those lovely Theban eels.

Lysistrata
Is Athens to be – there isn't a word that fits.
But if every woman in Greece turned up here today,
From Sparta, from Thebes, from here, from everywhere, 40 197
Don't you think we could end the war forever?

Kalonike
How can women end the war? Silk dresses,
Flowers in the hair, fancy slippers,
That dreamy new scent – that's all we know.

Lysistrata
That's all we need. Flower-garlands,
Fancy slippers, dresses in see-through silk…

Kalonike
I don't understand.

Lysistrata
When I've finished,
No man will ever raise a spear again. 50

Kalonike
I could wear that daffodil silk…

Lysistrata
Or swing a sword.

Kalonike
That gorgeous negligée…

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Lysistrata
Or wield a shield.

Kalonike
I must buy some shoes.

Lysistrata
That's what I want them here for.

Kalonike
If they'd known, they'd have flown.

Lysistrata
I'm not surprised the Athenians are late.
They always are. But our friends from Salamis –
198
Kalonike
Fishermen's wives. You're right. That's odd.
They're usually up so early. To catch the tide. 60

Lysistrata
I really expected the Acharnians…

Kalonike
I did see Theagenes' wife just now.
'Tally ho. We're hoisting sail. We're on our way.'

Lysistrata
Aha. Here's someone now.

Kalonike
Oh yes.

Lysistrata
Someone else…someone else…

Kalonike
Puah! Where on Earth are they from?

Lysistrata
The Swamps.

Kalonike
I think they brought them with them.

Enter Women, including Myrrhine.

Myrrhine
Are we too late, Lysistrata? We came
As fast as we could. You do look cross.

Lysistrata
You're late, Myrrhine. I said it was important. 70

Myrrhine
Yes, well, you see, I was groping in the dark
For ages. I couldn't find my belt.
Anyway, what is it? We're here now.

Lysistrata
We'll wait till everyone arrives.
They're coming all the way from Sparta…Thebes…
199

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Myrrhine
Yes, so they are. Look: Lampito.

Enter more Women, led by Lampito.

Lysistrata
Lampito, darling, how are things in Sparta?
My goodness, you do look pretty…um…fit. 80
You look as if you could break a bull.

Lampito
I did, this morning. !
It's my exercise plan. You crouch, like this,
You make a controlled spring, and kick your own bum.

Lysistrata
Good for the figure. Ladies, look.

Lampito
No touching, please.

Lysistrata
And who's this young beauty here?

Lampito
The delegate from Thebes.

Lysistrata
She certainly is delicate. What a fine, flat plain.

Lampito
Freshly plucked and mown.

Lysistrata
And who's this here?

Lampito
The lassie from Corinth. 90

Lysistrata
I should have known by the canal.

Lampito
Well now, who was it who called us here?
200
Lysistrata
It was me.

Lampito
What for?

Myrrhine
Ooh, yes, Lysistrata, tell us everything.

Lysistrata
In a minute. You tell me something first.

Myrrhine
Anything at all. Just ask.

Lysistrata
Just think of your husbands for a moment…
The fathers of your children. Up at the front, 100
Every one of them. Don't you miss them?

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Kalonike
Mine's been away in Thrace for months.
Five months! Keeping an eye on that general…
Whatsisname.

Myrrhine
Mine's been in Pylos for…ooh, ages.

Lampito
Mine falls out, comes home, re-equips, and runs.

Lysistrata
You see what I mean. No husbands, no lovers
To blow on the embers.

Myrrhine
No embers.

Kalonike
If Miletos hadn't defected, there might still have been
Eight inches of leather between us and… 110
201
Lysistrata
Tell me, ladies, if I found a way to end the war,
Would you do anything to help?

Myrrhine
Oh yes. I'd even pawn this dress,
If it would pay for a toast to Peace.

Kalonike
Me too. For Peace, they could fillet me
Like a turbot, and sell the biggest half.

Lampito
If Peace was at the top, I'd climb Taÿgetos.
Mountain-range. Where weaklings are exposed.

Lysistrata
All right, ladies. It's time to tell my plan.
If we really want our men to end this war, 120
All we have to do is give up…

Myrrhine
What?

Lysistrata
I can't. It's too much to ask.

Myrrhine
Of course you can. Give up what? Our lives?

Lysistrata
No. Sex. What's the matter?
Where are you going? Don't turn away.
You're frowning. You're pale. You're crying.
Will you or won't you? It's now or never.

Myrrhine
Lysistrata, I can't. Let the war drag on.

Kalonike
Out of the question, dear. Let the war drag on. 130

Lysistrata

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What? My own little turbot? A moment ago

You were going to be filleted and sold.
202
Kalonike
I don't mind fillets. I'd walk through fire.
But not…not that. Anything else.
Not that, dear. No.

Lysistrata
What about you?

Theban
What she said. Fire.

Lysistrata
Frailty, thy name is woman. As someone said.
We just won't kick against the pricks.
Lampito, darling Lampito, it's up to you. 140
If Sparta agrees, if only Sparta's with me,
We may still do it.

Lampito
It's a hard thing to ask.
We don't go to bed to sleep, in Sparta.
Kick against the pricks, you say? Ah well,
If it's the only way. Let Peace come first.

Lysistrata
Oh, you darling! The only real woman here.

Kalonike
But even if we did give up…give up…
And Heaven forbid we should…how would it work?

Lysistrata
Simple. We sit there…
Wearing nothing but a dab of perfume…
Or perhaps one of those nighties from Amorgos… 150
We pluck and trim our entrances,
Like good little spiders…the flies come strolling in…
Caught! They're begging for it, hard –
And what do we do? We just don't want to know.
They'll be falling over themselves to give us peace.
203
Lampito
Like Menelaus, whenever Helen bared a breast.
Sheathed his sword to the hilt, every single time.

Kalonike
But what if they believe us? Turn round, march out?

Lysistrata
Then it's back to carrots, as the proverb says.

Myrrhine
I never could stand proverbs. Or carrots.
What if they…drag us into the bedroom… 160
Try to force us…

Lysistrata
Hang on to the doorpost.

Myrrhine
What if they…smack our bottoms?

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Lysistrata
Turn the other cheek.
Smile sweetly. There are a thousand ways.
Don't give them the pleasure. They'll soon give up.

Myrrhine
If you really think we should…

Lampito
You can rely on our Spartan chappies.
One, two, three. We'll bring 'em to heel.
But your Athenians. Flabby lot. Who'll see to them? 170

Lysistrata
We'll stiffen them, don't worry.

Lampito
But why should they want peace? They've ships,
And ropes, and war-funds here in the Acropolis.

Lysistrata
That's all in hand. We're taking it over.
The Acropolis. Today. Complete with treasury.
There's a party of..ahem…older ladies on duty now.
While we strip for action here, they go up there. 204
They pretend they want to sacrifice – and bam!

Lampito
Bam, eh? I like the sound of that. What next? 180

Lysistrata
We swear an oath. A solemn, binding oath.

Lampito
Ready when you are. You name, we'll swear.

Lysistrata Orderly!
Enter Orderly.

Stop gaping, woman. Put that shield down, here.

The other way up. Now fetch a leg of lamb.

Kalonike
A leg of lamb? What sort of oath is this?

Lysistrata
A peace-oath. On a piece of meat.
Why a lamb? Like a lamb to the slaughter…
You remember.

Kalonike
It's peace, dear.
We can't use slaughtered lambs, or shields. 190

Lysistrata
What else would you suggest?

Myrrhine
A white horse would be nice.
I always feel I could do anything at all,
On a white horse.

Lysistrata
Have you got one handy?

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Myrrhine
Ooh. No.
205
Kalonike
I know. We take a big, black bowl,
And a long-necked wineskin. We sacrifice…
We drink that lovely blood, and swear that oath.

Lampito
That's the oath for me!

Lysistrata
Orderly! Lose lamb. Bring bowl. Big, black.
And a skin of wine.

The Orderly does as ordered.

Myrrhine
Isn't he lovely? 200
I don't think I could refuse him anything.

Lysistrata
Put it down. Now, everyone take hold.
Persuasion, hear our prayers;
Help feminine affairs,
Our grand design,
As we pour the wine.

Kalonike
What a gorgeous colour. Look how it spurts!

Lampito
Gods, what a lovely smell!

Myrrhine
Me first. Let me swear first.

Kalonike
Please! There is a queue.

Lysistrata
Stand in a circle and touch the bowl.
Say the words after me. Ready? 210
I swear I'll never let in my direction –

Lampito
I swear I'll never let in my direction –
206
Lysistrata
A gentleman in full erection –

Kalonike
A gentleman in full erection.
My legs have gone all wobbly.

Lysistrata
I'll sit at home in sheerest silk –

Myrrhine
I'll sit at home in sheerest silk –

Lysistrata
Sweet-scented, skin as white as milk –

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Lampito
Sweet-scented, skin as white as milk – 220

Lysistrata
And if he tries to have me, I'll say no –

Kalonike
And if he tries to have me, I'll say no –

Lysistrata
I'll kick and scream, I'll struggle so –

Myrrhine
I'll kick and scream, I'll struggle so –

Lysistrata
No legs arched high to touch the ceiling –

Lampito
No legs arched high to touch the ceiling – 230

Lysistrata
No doggy-crouch, for extra feeling –

Kalonike
No doggy-crouch, for extra feeling –

Lysistrata
And if I yield, and break this vow –
207
Myrrhine
And if I yield, and break this vow –

Lysistrata
No wine for me, but water now –

Lampito
No wine for me, but water now.

Lysistrata
You all agree to this?

Myrrhine
Yes, yes.

Lysistrata
Good. I'll consecrate the offering.

Kalonike
Leave some for the rest of us.
Remember: all for one and one for –

Shouting, off.

Lampito
Castor and Pollux, what was that?

Lysistrata
It's all right: I told you. 240
The old women have captured the Acropolis.
Lampito, darling, off you go: start things up
In Sparta. Leave them here as hostages.
We'll go inside, bolt ourselves in, get organised.

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Kalonike
But what if the men attack straight away?

Lysistrata
Let them. They won't get past me. 250
Threats, shouts, fire, no way. Except on our terms.
If they want a piece, they must offer: peace.

Kalonike
'Can't argue with a woman'. They keep saying that.
So now they'll find it's true.
208
Exeunt, Lampito at the side, the others through the centre doorway, which they close behind
them.

Music. Enter Chorus Of Old Men (Chorus A).

They are carrying branches; one has a firepot.

310
300
Chorus A Come on, old fellow, hurry up.
Of course your shoulder's sore.
Of course it is, it's bound to be:
Look what you're carrying.

How could this happen, men?

Could anything be worse?
The wives we loved and cherished – 260
A pain, a plague, a curse.
Our own Acropolis,
The symbol of our state –
They've locked themselves inside it,
They've barred the sacred gate.

Don't just stand there. Pile the branches.

Green and sappy. Round the doorway.
Make a bonfire. Now they're for it.
Smoke 'em out. They'll soon come running.
Coughing, crying. They'll surrender. 270

D'you remember the last time we'd someone holed up here

In the Acropolis? That Spartan, Kleomenes?
Gods, what a siege that was!
We made that Spartan growl.
How proud he was! How boastful!
And how we made him howl!
He shouted, 'I surrender';
We stood here, rank by rank.
He slunk out, starving, whining;
He flapped his rags. He stank. 280

Now it's women. Barred and bolted.

Playing soldiers. What a business!
Who'd have thought it? Who'll endure it?
We won at Marathon, beat Persia – 209
They won't face us. They'll surrender.

Up here.
Don't flag, don't flinch.
We're near.
Another inch.
My shoulders are falling apart.
I wish I'd a donkey and cart. 290
A little higher.
Who's got the fire?
Look at it glow.
Are you ready? Blow.
Fff, fff, ee, oo,

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It's smoking, groo!

It bites.
It's got fangs, got wings.
It fights.
It nips and stings.
It's choking me. This isn't funny.
My eyes are all red-rimmed and runny.
Athene, please!
We're on our knees.
Don't let it stay.
Blow it away.
Fff, fff, ee, oo,
It's still here. Groo!

That's well alight. Put the branches down.

What next? Light the torches?
Hammer on the door? A battering ram?
But what if they refuse to open up?
Do we set fire to the whole damn thing
And force 'em out that way? Dunno, dunno.
At least we've put that firewood down.
Give our shoulders a break, if you see what I mean.

(to the audience)

210
Any of you gentlemen like to lend a hand?
Any generals in the house?

Never mind. Light the torches. Me first.

Stick 'em in the firepot, burn up bright.
Lady Victory, help us punish that female pride.
We'll put up a trophy as soon as we get inside.

They begin lighting their torches at the firepot.

Enter Chorus Of Old Women (Chorus B), carrying water.

Chorus B Smoke! Someone's playing with fire.

This way, ladies. Hurry. Here. 320

Don't stand there! You'll stifle.

A lungful, an eyeful.
Those silly old jokers
Are trying to smoke us.
Bring water and put them out now.

Here's a potful, a mugful,

A bowlful, a jugful.
I managed to get some. 330
Those grandads, we'll wet some,
We'll soak them and put them out now.

Such moaning and mumbling,

Such groaning and grumbling!
No bath-house, no pyre would
Need half as much firewood.
Bring water and put it out now.

Athene will hear us. 340

She's bound to stand near us.
The weather-god's daughter
Knows all about water.
She'll soak them and put them out now.
Dance; stand-off.
350 211

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Stop that!
Don't do that.
You can't do that in a holy place.

Chorus A
It's hardly holy now.
It's swarming with females.

Chorus B
You're shaking. You're trembling. Why?
Because you're outnumbered? Because
We've thousands more, inside?

Chorus A
This boasting is silly. Who's got
An olive branch? The symbol of peace?
Wallop 'em with it. Let's have some peace.

Chorus B
Put your pots in a circle, ladies.
Roll up your sleeves.
We're being attacked.

Chorus A
A left and a right to the jaw. 360
Like that boxer Boupalos.
That'll shut their yap.

Chorus B
Don't you touch my yap,
If you want to keep your balls.

Chorus A
Two lovely black eyes.

Chorus B
You're joking.

Chorus A
A cauliflower ear.

Chorus B
You're senile.
212
Chorus A
You're for it.

Chorus B
You're past it.

Chorus A
You've had it.

Chorus B
Just try me.

Chorus A
Euripides!

Chorus B
Pardon?

Chorus A
That sex is damned, by Heaven cursed:
The female sex, of every sex the worst.

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Chorus B
Right. Where's that water-jug? 370

Chorus A
Cursed of the gods, you dare bring water here?

Chorus B
Well, you brought fire. Go scorch yourself.

Chorus A
I'll burn you like a bonfire.

Chorus B
I'll soak you like seaweed.

Chorus A
Like seaweed?

Chorus B
Like seaweed.

Chorus A
A touch of torch?
213
Chorus B
A bowl of bath?

Chorus A
You and whose army?

Chorus B
Make my day.

Chorus A
Make my day.

Chorus B
My day. 380

Chorus A
Burn her hair off.

Chorus B
Ladies…

Shower of water.

Chorus A
Yarg!

Chorus B
What's the matter? Too cold for you?

Chorus A
What are you doing?

Chorus B
Watering your shoot, to see how it grows.

Chorus A
It's withering. I'm shivering.

Chorus B
What a shame your fire's gone out.

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You could have warmed yourself on that.

Enter Commissioner and Constables.

Commissioner
Has it blazed up again? The female sex:
Its impertinence, its orgies, its castanets.
Howling and yowling, like pussies on a roof! 214
D'you remember yesterday? In full Assembly! 390
That fool Demostratos was making a motion,
Something about sailing for Sicily,
And all the while his wife kept prancing round
Shouting 'Weep! Weep for Adonis!'
'We'll send zealots from Zakynthos to cut 'em off',
He said. And she said (I think she'd had a few),
'Cut 'em. Cut 'em for Adonis!' He said…she said…
He said…she said…it went on all morning.
I don't know which of them was worse.

Chorus A
I'll tell you what's worse, sir. Them.
They've splashed us and soaked us and splattered us. 400
We're dripping. You'd think we'd pissed ourselves.

Commissioner
Poseidon, lord of water! That's no joke.
The whole thing's no joke. It's your own damn fault.
It's men in general who're to blame for this.
We're far too nice to them. We pamper them,
We spoil them. And it soon gets out of hand.
You go to the jeweller, the goldsmith. You say,
'Remember that necklace you made for my lady wife?
She was dancing last night and the pin fell out. 410
I've got to sail to Salamis tomorrow:
Run up to the house, there's a good fellow,
And put in a pin for her.' Or else –
You know that cobbler? Short little man,
Like a little boy, except for the – yes, that one.
'My wife's sandal is rubbing her little toe.
Slip up today, and ease the strain for her.'
That's how it starts – and look at the result. 420
Here am I, Commissioner for Shipping,
Come here to the City Treasury for cash
To buy oars for our gallant lads at sea –
And what do I find? Gates shut, doors barred,
And a bunch of women, squatting. It just won't do. 215
Constable, that crowbar. We'll put a stop to this.
Don't stand there gaping.
Stick your tool under there, and lift.
Oh here, let me.

Lysistrata comes out.

Lysistrata
It's open: look. No trouble. 430
It isn't tools you need, it's common sense.

Commissioner
Common sense? A commissioner of state?
Constable! Arrest that woman.

Lysistrata
Don't touch me! That is,
If you ever want to eat again.

Commissioner
Pay no attention. What are you afraid of?

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Grab her round the middle.

Chorus B
Touch her, by god, and shit yourself. 440

Commissioner
He has already. Someone else. You, man.
Grab that one: the one making all the noise.

Chorus B
Lay one finger on her, and lose it.

Commissioner
I said batter, not scatter.
Block the exit.

Chorus B
I'll block theirs first.

Commissioner
Good grief, they've gone.
Come back. They're women: 450
Don't let them get on top. Come back.
216
Lysistrata
I'm warning you.
There are four more companies inside.
BIG ladies, armed to the TEETH and WILD.

Commissioner
Don't just stand there. Grab!

Lysistrata Women of Athens, help!

WheatgermandpoppyseedwholemealandPITTAgirls,
GarlicandonionandbeetrootandCARROTgirls,
Grab, bite, gouge, pinch, tear, rip, scratch.
Women appear from all sides. Melée.

Don't be bashful! Don't be shy! 460

The Constables run for it.

That's it, now. Leave them. Heel, girls, heel!

Commissioner
Them: four. Us: nil. Not a good result, for us.

Lysistrata
Well, what did you expect? What did you take us for?
Did you imagine women had no spirit, no bottle?

Commissioner
No bottle? I'd rather not answer that.

Chorus A
Quite right, sir. Don't waste your breath
On them. They're maniacs, wild beasts.
Just look at the bath they've given us –
Fully dressed, soapless – they're hopeless. 470

Chorus B
I warned you: make my day, I said.
And did you listen? With that thick ear?
All I want is to sit quietly at home…like this.
I want to be tidy and calm…like this.

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But someone always comes along and pulls my chain.

217
Chorus A
They're fiends in human shape.
But we can't just stand and gape.
We have to try.
We must ask why 480
Such outrage, such disgrace
In Athene's holy place.
It won't be easy. Not a pleasant task.
But it has to be done. Go on, sir: ask.

Commissioner
Very well. It's simple, ladies. First,
Why in Zeus' name have you barred these gates?

Lysistrata
To keep you out of the Treasury. No cash, no war.

Commissioner
What's war to do with cash?

Lysistrata
You're joking!
Public upset, hubble bubble, turmoil and trouble –
Meat and drink to every politician ever born.
(Remember Peisandros?) Why, did you say? Because
When the state's in a mess, they get the job 490
Of sorting things out – and then they're in clover,
A snout in every trough. Well, things have changed.
We've got the trough. We've got the cash.
You can hubble and bubble all you like, it's ours.

Commissioner
And what will you do with it?

Lysistrata
Look after it.

Commissioner
Look after money? Women?

Lysistrata
What's wrong with that?
We manage the housekeeping, don't we?
218
Commissioner
That's different.

Lysistrata
How?

Commissioner
Because this money's set aside for making war.

Lysistrata
We've abolished war.

Commissioner
That's that, then. We're done for.

Lysistrata
Of course you aren't. We'll protect you.

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Commissioner
You?

Lysistrata
Us.

Commissioner
Huh.

Lysistrata
You'll see.

Commissioner
It's ridiculous.

Lysistrata
It's common sense.

Commissioner
It's out of the question. 500

Lysistrata
You'll still be saved.

Commissioner
And if I won't?

Lysistrata
You will.
219
Commissioner
What business have women with war and peace?

Lysistrata
I'll explain.

Commissioner
I can hardly wait.

Lysistrata
Do stop clenching your fists. Do listen.

Commissioner
That does it!

Chorus B
Back!

Commissioner Who said that? Oh, you. Well, shut it.

(to Lysistrata)

Speak.

Lysistrata
All through this war, so far,
We've sat there quietly and let you get on with it.
Whether we agreed or not. Day after day after day,
Whatever you chose to do, we were loyal wives,
We didn't say a word. You went out in the morning,
Sat with your men-friends in Assembly, 510
Making Big Decisions (not Good, just Big) –
And when you came home and we smiled and said,
'Well darling, any news of peace today?',

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And you snarled and said, 'What's that to you?

That's man-talk!', we left it alone, as good wives should.

Chorus B
I didn't.

Commissioner
God dammit, then leave it now!
220
Lysistrata
Day after day after day. Whatever stupid news
Came back from the Assembly. I did once ask,
'Is that entirely sensible?' – and he said,
'Back to your weaving, unless you want a –!
Leave war to those who understand it: men.' 520

Commissioner
Sound fellow.

Lysistrata
Sound? What a way to run a country!
Can't you hear them in the street? 'It's bad.
We're running out of manpower.' Dear, oh dear.
The solution's obvious: woman power.
And there's no time to waste. That's why we're here.
It's your turn to listen, and ours to talk.
Peace just may be women's business after all.

Commissioner
I'm not having this.

Lysistrata
Of course you are.

Commissioner
Why should anyone listen to someone in a dress? 530

Lysistrata
Is that what it is? That's easy.
Here, put this on. And this veil.
Take this shopping basket.
Now, roll up your sleeves,
Sit there, take this wool and these needles,
Get on with your knitting and don't interrupt.
Peace and war are feminine affairs.

Chorus B
Put down your water-jugs. It's our turn now.
It's time to take a stand and show them how. 540
Come leap, come sing, come dance.
Now, ladies! Seize your chance. 221
Don't yield, don't flinch,
Don't give an inch.
Be bold, be brash, be brave,
Athene's city save.
Bright victory dawns; her streamers streak the skies.
Up, daughters of the revolution! Rise! 550

Lysistrata
Aphrodite, goddess of desire,
Eros, honey of the soul,
Breathe into our breasts and thighs
The dew of love, till our men strain ever upwards,
Till they call us Easers, Peace-makers,
Throughout all Greece.

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Commissioner
Peace-makers? How?

Lysistrata
By banning armour, for a start.
The market's no place to be flashing your hardware.

Kalonike
Amen to that.

Lysistrata
All that clanking among the pots and pans –
Like some kind of strange religious sect.

Commissioner
Like brave men and true, you mean.

Lysistrata
Brave men and true? Standing in line,
With shield and spear, to buy sardines? 560

Myrrhine
Like that dishy Captain I saw the other day…
Jingling his harness, tossing his hair,
While the soup-lady ladled his helmet.
222
Kalonike
Or that Thracian – d'you remember? –
Flaunting his snickersnack,
Down at the fruit-stall, spearing six figs.

Commissioner
And what about the international situation?
How will you deal with that?

Lysistrata
Simplicity itself.

Commissioner
Oh, do explain.

Lysistrata
When a bundle of wool is a tangle,
We take it and tease it like this,
And like this, and like this, till it's sorted.
And that's just what we'll do with the war.
Send ambassadors all over Greece,
Disentangle and sort out the issues.

Commissioner
Wool? Tangle? You're out of your minds. 570
War's a serious business.

Lysistrata
I hadn't finished.

Commissioner
So sorry. Do go on.

Lysistrata 580
Even when it's untangled, it has to be washed.
In the same way, we'll see to the city.
We'll lay it out on the carding-frame,
Comb out the riff-raff, pick off the yes-men.
Then whoever's left over goes into the basket:

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Citizens, visitors, strangers, tidy and neat.

What about the colonies, the allies? Stray threads,
To be wound into one enormous ball of wool.
223
Commissioner
Colonies? Balls of wool?
I told you: women just can't get to grips with war.

Lysistrata
Can't get to grips? Two agonies are ours:
We bear you sons, we wave goodbye when they march to die.

Commissioner
Don't mention dying. 590

Lysistrata
We're young, in the prime of life.
And what does war bring us? Single beds.
Bad enough for wives – but what about
Young girls, unmarried, doomed to die old maids?

Commissioner
Don't men grow old?

Lysistrata
Of course they do. But it isn't quite the same.
His Nibs comes home. He's toothless, grey –
But he'll still find a 'lassie' to marry him.
A woman's bloom is short, and when it fades,
No magician on Earth can conjure her a husband.

Commissioner
But if a man can still get it up –

Lysistrata
You haven't heard a word I've said.
Ladies, he's dead. He's been dead for years –
To common sense. It's funeral time. 600
Here's rosemary…

She sprinkles him.

Kalonike (following suit)

And rue.
224
Myrrhine (following suit)
Pansies. They're for thoughts.

Chorus B
Weep, weep for Adonis,
Too young, too young to die,
To young in earth to lie.

Commissioner
STOP IT! Ill-treating an officer of state!
I'm off. I'll go like this. I'll show my colleagues.
A dreadful warning. You've not heard the last of this. 610

Lysistrata
And neither have you. We were only halfway through.
We've wept for you and washed you.
If you come back tomorrow, we'll dance on your grave.

Exeunt.
630
Fight, men of Athens, fight. 620

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Chorus A There's evil in the air,

It's everywhere,
A smell of tyranny,
A smell of money, Spartan money,
Corrupting our women, our wives,
To rise against us, rise,
Take what should be ours by right.

Women! What do they know? 'Stop it!'

'Beat those nasty swords to ploughshares!'
'Talk to Sparta – do it nicely!'
Talk to lions and wolves, more likely.
Better yet, do what the song says:
'Face the foeman, fight for freedom,
Save the city, trounce the tyrant,
March, march, march, the men are marching…'
HUP, two, HUP, two – Who's that laughing? 225
You? I'll give you such a thrashing.

They dance and launt the Chorus Of Old Women.

Chorus B
You, you old fool? You?
This way, ladies, this way.
It's time to speak,
Give sensible advice.
Who are we to advise the state? 640
At seven we danced in procession,
At eleven we led the cheers,
At twenty we danced, we danced.
And now you say we shouldn't meddle?
'Let your betters do the talking.'
What a brilliant job they're doing!
'War and peace – big issues, men's stuff.' 650
Human stuff! This race is human.
'Men pay tax. You don't contribute.'
All we give the state is children,
Son after son for slaughter. You spend!
Athens' hard-won wealth you squander!
Watch your mouth, or feel my slipper.

They dance and taunt the Chorus Of Old Men.

Chorus A
Such impudence! Such insolence!
Who do you think you are?
It's now or never, gentlemen – 660
Come up and help. Strip off those cloaks,
Roll up your sleeves, make fists.
You are real men out there?
Comrades-in-arms?
Old soldiers?
Remember the good old days,
The good old fights.
Jump up here and help us now. 670
Stop these women! Wives and daughters! 226
Give an inch, they'll take advantage.
Launch a warship, sail against us,
Jolly Roger, splice the mainbrace,
Saddle horses, at the gallop,
Tally ho, they do love riding –
Amazons, she-devils, vampires.
Monsters out of children's stories,
Not to mention grown-ups' nightmares.
Grab them, men! The stocks are waiting. 680

Dance.

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Chorus B Just look at them! Such roars and threats!

Who do they think they are?
We'll show them, ladies. Up and help.
Strip off those cloaks, roll up your sleeves,
Sharp eyes, sharp nails, sharp teeth.
They really want a fight.
They're vinegar,
They're pepper. 690
Remember the fairy tale:
How that sweet little girl
Made hash of that Big Bad Wolf.

Huff and puff. Make scary faces.

Sparta's with us. Thebes is with us.
You've got no one. No one likes you.
Passing silly laws in council!
Yesterday I planned a party: 700
Eels from Thebes were on the menu –
Then the whole affair was cancelled.
'Enemy eels!' you said. 'No visa!'
Brains and common sense won't stop you –
Time for fists, and feet, and elbows.

Dance. Then enter Lysistrata.

227
Chorus B
She comes. Our leader, counsellor, she comes.
She's frowning. Leader, why? Why knit those brows?

Lysistrata
I'm quite distraught. I don't know what to do.

Chorus B
My god! My god! 710

Lysistrata
It's true! It's true!

Chorus B
What is it? Tell your friends. Vouchsafe.

Lysistrata
Vouchsafe? I shudder. Nay, I blench.

Chorus B
Enough Euripides. What's going on?

Lysistrata
It's simple. We'll never hold out.
We're dying – for a fuck.

Chorus B
O Zeus!

Lysistrata What's Zeus to do with it? It's men they want.

They won't stay put. They're slipping out: this way
That way – I caught one in Pan's Grotto, tunnelling. 720
There were two on the battlements just now.
One was abseiling. The other was gathering sparrows:
Something about holding their legs and floating down
To pay an urgent call. We all know where.
If I hadn't grabbed her hair, she'd be there now.
They've a hundred excuses, but one destination: bed.
Here's someone now.
The Defector creeps out.

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Ahem!
228
Defector
I must get home.
I bought some lovely wool the other day,
And the bugs are at it.

Lysistrata
What bugs?

Defector
Bed-bugs. 730
I want to stretch it on the bed, and scratch.
I won't be long.

Lysistrata
No stretching. No scratching. Stay.

Defector
But what about my wool?

Lysistrata
Forget your wool.

Kalonike comes out.

Kalonike
My dough! My dough! I need to knead my dough!

Lysistrata
Your dough doesn't need kneading, and neither do you.

Kalonike
But it'll rise, dear, rise till it explodes.
I'll give it a little knead, and come right back.

Lysistrata
No kneading, no coming. If I let you go, 740
They'll all start baking.

Enter Myrrhine.

Myrrhine
I've got to go. Quick!
I can't…not here. Not in a sacred place.
229
Lysistrata
Not what?

Myrrhine
Give birth. The pains have started. Look.

Lysistrata
You weren't even pregnant yesterday.

Myrrhine
I am today.
Oh, please, Lysistrata, I must get home.
The midwife's waiting. There it goes again!

Lysistrata
What nonsense! Just a minute. What is that bulge?

Myrrhine

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A darling baby boy.

Lysistrata
What d'you mean? It's hard.
It's hollow. It's Athene's golden helmet. 750
You said you were pregnant.

Myrrhine
I am, I am.

Lysistrata
So why the helmet?

Myrrhine
In case the baby comes too soon. Before I get home.
A cradle. That's what it is. A holy cradle.

Lysistrata
What's happened to your lump?

Myrrhine
Ooh! Gone. A false alarm.
How strange! I've been dreaming of snakes
For weeks.

Kalonike
At least you can sleep up here. I can't.
Owls hooting all the time. Athene's owls. 760 230
It's scary.

Lysistrata
Owls? Snakes? Don't you understand?
It's men you're thinking of. And that is good.
If you want them, they must be dying for you.
Sleepless nights. Just a few more days.
I know it's hard, but just a few more days.
The oracle said –

Defector
What oracle?

Lysistrata
LO! WHEN THE SWALLOWS COME SWOOPING, SWOOPING,
LO! WHEN THEY FLOCK FROM THE HOOPOE, HOOPOE, 770
THEN WILL THE UPSY BE DOWNSY, THE DOWNSY UPSY –

Kalonike
We go on top…?

Lysistrata
LO! IF THE SWALLOWS START FLAPPING AND FLOCKING,
LO! IF THEY SPEED FROM THEIR NEST ON THE BATTLEMENTS,
KEEKERY, COCKERY, MUD THEN THEIR NAME WILL BE.

Myrrhine
Wow! What an oracle!

Kalonike
Merciful Heaven!

Lysistrata
We must do what it says. Don't you see?
We must go inside, do exactly what it says. 780
231
She ushers them in.

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Chorus A
I've a tale to tell, from Greek mythology:
Sheds a blinding light on male psychology.
I've known it for years.
Are you ready, dears?
It's about Melanion (not the marrying kind),
And his would-be in-laws (the harrying kind).
They pester; off he streaks,
Changes his habits;
Holes up in the peaks;
Hunts rabbits; 790
Never seen again.
That's how women take some men.
He got away. Refused to take the strain –
And if we'd any sense, we'd do the same.

Old Man
Hey, kiss me quick.

Old Woman
That's silly.

Old Man
You prefer a kick?

Old Woman
Your willy! 800

Old Man
Too shaggy?
Too baggy?
It knows what to do.
It'll soon see to you.

Dance.

Chorus B
I've a tale to tell, from ancient history –
Well, not so much a tale, more of a mystery.
What, solve it? No one can:
It's typical man.
It's about Timon of Athens (a tragic case), 232
And his loathing of (half) the human race. 810
Always frowning, always scowling,
Muttering and groaning,
Rumbling and growling
And moaning.
Men always made him curse,
He could think of nothing worse –
You'd have thought all the male sex had rabies.
Only males, mind. He still liked the ladies. 820

Old Woman
A stamp on the toes?

Old Man
I'm going.

Old Woman
A boot up the nose?

Old Man
You're showing.

Old Woman
So what, Dad?

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It's not bad.

It's properly behaved.
It's not like yours: it's shaved.

Dance. As it ends, Lysistrata comes out. !

Lysistrata
Women! Women! Quick!

Enter Kalonike, Myrrhine and Women.

Kalonike
What is it? Why are you shouting, dear? 830

Lysistrata
Look, a man! Look at the state he's in.
All geared up for the rites of Aphrodite.
Great goddess, lady of Paphos, of Kythera,
Help us! Make sure he isn't up to it.
233
Kalonike
Where is he, this man?

Lysistrata
Down there, by Chloe's temple.

Kalonike
So he is. Who d'you think he is?

Lysistrata
Don't any of you recognise him?

Myrrhine
Ooh yes, I do.
It's my husband. Kinesias.

Lysistrata
Your husband. Good. You know what to do.
Let him get as far as the entrance, but NO FURTHER.
Get him twisting and wriggling and foaming,
Flirt with him, kiss him, offer him everything, 840
But NO ENTRY.

Myrrhine
If you say so.

Lysistrata
Don't worry. I'll be here. I'll help you.
Between us we'll work him up to bursting point.
The rest of you, quickly, out of sight.

The Women go in, except for Lysistrata.

Enter Kinesias, with a Slave holding his Baby.

Kinesias
Drooping and shaking,
Quivering and quaking,
An itch without a scratch,
A hole without a patch,
I'm done for, stretched and aching –
234
Lysistrata
Who goes there? These parts are private.
What are you, coming here in that condition?

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Kinesias
You can see what I am.

Lysistrata
A man?

Kinesias
Look, dammit!

Lysistrata
Withdraw at once!

Kinesias
Who are you to tell me to withdraw?

Lysistrata
I watch the gate.

Kinesias
Never mind the gate. Call Myrrhine. 850

Lysistrata
Why should I?

Kinesias
Because I'm her husband. Kinesias.
Mine's a sad tale…

Lysistrata
Oh, we know all about your tail.
Myrrhine's told us all about your tail.
You're never out of her mouth.
Give her an apple or an egg to hold, and she's off:
'So smooth and round…I'd like to give it to
Kinesias…'

Kinesias
Oh gods.

Lysistrata
I promise you. No one else dare mention
Her husband round here, or Myrrhine says, 235
'Broken reed! Blunt pencil, compared to mine.' 860

Kinesias
Oh, call her, call her.

Lysistrata
You still haven't said: why should I?

Kinesias
Oh god. How long d'you expect me to keep this up?
I'll squeeze you something later. Call her. Please.

Lysistrata
Excuse me a moment.

She goes in.

Kinesias Hurry.

(to the Baby)

She's no idea what it's like, since Mummy left.

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Life's not life any more. Going in, going out,

I ache, I thirst, I pine. Not to mention this.

Myrrhine (off)
Tell him I love him, dear sweet man, 870
But he keeps putting something between us.
It's no use asking, darling. I won't come down.

Kinesias
Myrrhine, sweetheart, why, oh why, oh why?
Don't torture me. Come down.

Myrrhine appears. !

Myrrhine
Shan't.

Kinesias
But it's me, sweetheart. Won't you come, for me?

Myrrhine
I can't think what you want me for.
236
Kinesias
It sticks out a mile.

Myrrhine
I'm going.

Kinesias No. Listen to Diddums.

(to the Baby)

Call Mummy. Call her, dammit.

Baby
Mammeea, mammeea, mammeea.

Kinesias
There you are. Poor little devil. Six days now, 880
Not one nappy-change, not a suck of milk…

Myrrhine
Poor little boy. Has Daddy been neglecting oo?

Kinesias
Please come. Please come for Diddums.

Myrrhine
Oh, motherhood! I'll have to come.
There's no alternative.

She makes a proper entrance.

Kinesias
Oh, look at her, look at her.
Mummy's cwoss with Daddikins. Such fwowns.
I can't stand it. I can't stand it.

Myrrhine (to the Baby)

Poor darling. There, there.
Has Daddy been nasty to oo again?
Come to Mummy. There, there, there. 890

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Kinesias
What are you playing at? Going off
With that pack of silly women, and leaving me…
Leaving me… What's got into you?
237
Myrrhine
Don't touch me.

Kinesias
But everything's gone to seed since you left home.

Myrrhine
Don't care.

Kinesias
That knitting, that lovely knitting you were doing.
Gone! In the night! A flock of roosters ate it.

Myrrhine
Don't care.

Kinesias
Don't you remember? The plans we made?
Just you and I? Our own little Olympic Games?

Myrrhine
There'll be no Olympic Games, till you get 900
That treaty signed.

Kinesias
Treaty? Oh, treaty. Anything!

Myrrhine
Sign that, and I'll come right home.
Till then, excuse me.

Kinesias
Don't go. I'll sign.
Couldn't you…? Can't we…? Just a little…?

Myrrhine
Sorry. Though I must say I'm tempted.

Kinesias
You are? You must? Oh darling, now.

Myrrhine
You filthy beast! In front of Diddums?

Kinesias Oh my god, Diddums.

(to the Slave) 238

Here, man, here. Get him out of here.

Exit Slave with Baby.

He's gone, darling, gone. Now, come to bed.

Myrrhine
Bed? Where? 910

Kinesias
Where? Um… Pan's Grotto!

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Myrrhine
It's dusty, darling. Where can I wash?

Kinesias
In the fountain. Do come on.

Myrrhine
But what about my oath? I swore an oath.

Kinesias
Blame me. I broke it. Hurry up.

Myrrhine
I'll just fetch a bed.

Kinesias
What? On the ground, the ground.

Myrrhine
No, darling. You may be a pig,
But I won't let you wallow on the ground.

She goes in.

Kinesias
She loves me. She loves me. You can always tell.

Myrrhine returns with a folding bed.

Myrrhine
You set it up. I'll get undressed.
No, silly me. I forgot the mattress.
239
Kinesias
Forget the mattress.

Myrrhine
I can't have you having me on sacking. 920

Kinesias
Give me a kiss before you go.

Myrrhine
Mmmmmmmmmmm.

She goes in.

Kinesias
Hoo-hoo-hoo. For god's sake hurry.

Myrrhine returns with a mattress.

Myrrhine
There. You lie down. I'll get undressed.
Oh no. No pillow, now.

Kinesias
I don't want a pillow.

Myrrhine
But I do.

She goes.

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Kinesias
What do I look like? Herakles. Complete with club.

Myrrhine comes back with a pillow.

Myrrhine
Get your head up.

Kinesias
It is up.

Myrrhine
Everything's ready, then.

Kinesias
Come on then, sweetheart. 930
240
Myrrhine
Just coming. I don't want to crease this dress.
All that about the treaty just now…
You weren't just having me on?

Kinesias
Having you? Oh, on. Of course not.

Myrrhine
Brr! No blanket.

Kinesias
I don't want a blanket, I want you.

Myrrhine
Won't be a moment.

She goes in.

Kinesias
Man dies on Acropolis, in broad daylight,
Smothered in bedclothes!

Myrrhine comes back with a blanket.

Myrrhine
Upsadaisy.

Kinesias
Don't keep saying that.

Myrrhine
Would you like me to rub you with scented oil?

Kinesias
No!

Myrrhine
Of course I will. Don't be so grumpy.

She fetches a flask of oil.

Kinesias
Pour it on, then. 940

Myrrhine
No, no: you. Hold out your hand.
241

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Kinesias
Apollo, how I hate perfumed oil.
And especially perfumed oil that smells like this.

Myrrhine
What d'you mean? Did I bring the wrong one?

Kinesias
No. No! It's lovely. Wait.

Myrrhine
No trouble.

She goes in.

Kinesias
God damn the man who invented perfumed oil.

Myrrhine comes back with another flask. It is phallus-shaped.

Myrrhine
This is much nicer. Look.

Kinesias
Blunt pencil, compared to mine.
Do stop rushing about, and come and lie down.

Myrrhine
In a moment. In a moment.
I've still to take this off.
Darling, you will do what you said? 950
Bring it up…peace…in the Assembly?

Kinesias I'll think about it.

Myrrhine goes.

Now what is it? What's the matter?

She's gone. She came, and fetched, and went.
The most beautiful girl in the world.
Leaving me like this. Leaving you like this.
What shall I do with you now?
I know what you need. I know, I know.
What's the name of that…establishment…down the road? 242

Chorus A
Weep and moan,
Grieve and groan. 960
You're the unluckiest man alive.
How will you survive?
A-ee, a-ee.
What can we say?
Just think what you're missing:
No petting, no kissing,
No getting your end away.

Kinesias
Alack! I'm on the rack.

Chorus A
And she's to blame
They're all the same.

Kinesias
Adorable. 970

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Chorus A
Deplorable.

Kinesias
Oh what's the use?
Please, Zeus,
Pluck her, suck her
High, in the sky,
Then drop her down again,
Kinesias begs –
Take careful aim –
Between these legs.

Dance. Exit Kinesias. Enter Spartan Messenger.

243
Messenger
Excuse me. People of Athens? Councillors? ! 980
Anyone in? There's something I want to raise.

Enter Doorkeeper.

Doorkeeper
There certainly is. What are you, man or teapot?

Messenger
A messenger, lassie, with a message.
From the Commonwealth of Sparta. About a peace.

Doorkeeper
Peace? With a spear like that?

Messenger
Spear? What spear?

Doorkeeper
Oh, I'm sorry. It's the way you hold your cloak.
Is it very sore?

Messenger
What are you talking about?

Doorkeeper
Don't tell me you're just glad to see me.

Messenger
Don't be so cheeky. 990

Doorkeeper
What is it, then?

Messenger
Rod of office. Rod of iron.

Doorkeeper
I've heard about your Spartan rods of iron.

Enter Commissioner.

Commissioner
What is it you want? You can tell me.
Speak up. How are things in Sparta?
244
Messenger
How are things? They aren't.
And our allies are getting damned uptight.

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Take things into their own hands,

If we don't look out.

Commissioner
Explain yourself.

Messenger
In one word: Lampito. Going A.W.O.L. at lights-out.
Then all the other women followed suit. 1000
Barriers up, drawbridges closed. Frustrating.

Commissioner
So what are you doing? You men?

Messenger
What d'you think? Going round, bent double:
You'd think we were carrying candles in a gale.
They stand there, laugh, won't shake their blossoms
Till we make some kind of universal peace.

Commissioner
It's a conspiracy. They're all in this.
Every woman in Greece. Now I understand.
Look, we're in their hands. No time to lose.
Go back to Sparta, tell them to send a mission. 1010
I'll see to this end. If you have any trouble,
Do what I do when the Assembly asks awkward questions:
Lift up your tunic and show them your evidence.

Messenger
Anything. If it brings relief.

Exeunt.

Chorus A
Women! Hot as fire – no, hotter;
Fierce as tigers – no, far fiercer –
245
Chorus B
Daft old fool. You chose to fight us.
Knew all that and chose to fight us.

Chorus A
Course I did. I hate all women.

Chorus B
If you say so. Look, you're shaking.
Standing there all soaked and shaking. 1020
Daft old fool! Here, let me help you.

Chorus A
No one fights and keeps his cloak on,
Growls and roars and keeps his cloak on.

Chorus B
Course they don't. That's better. There, now.
What's the matter? Do stand still, man.
Something in your eye? An insect?

Chorus A
Damn mosquito, buzzing, biting,
Swimming round beside my eyeball.
Don't just stand there. Ow! Be careful!

Chorus B
Manners! Goodness, what a monster! 1030

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No mosquito, more a hornet.

Chorus A
Thanks. It nearly gouged my eye out.
Eyes are running. Can't stop crying.

Chorus B
Let me wipe it. Kiss it better –

Chorus A
Not in front of all these people.

Chorus B
Do as Mummy says. Don't argue.

Chorus A
Women! Always have to get your own way.
Twist us round your little finger. 246
Can't live with 'em, can't ignore 'em.
Let's stop fighting. Come to Daddy. 1040
Hand in hand. That's right. Let's dance now.

Dance. From now on, Chorus A and Chorus B are united.

Chorus Smile, ladies and gentlemen.

Those happy days are here again.
Malice and insults? No, no, no:
This Chorus turns its back on woe.
What d'you mean, 'Big deal'?
I'll tell you how I feel.
Who needs a loan? Yes? You, sir? 1050
I'll tell you what to do, sir.
Once peace is signed
I think you'll find
You needn't pay back – don't ask me how –
One penny of the cash I lend you now.

Now, dear friends, before you go,

There's a party after the show.
Rowdy and hearty? Rude and loud?
Of course not. An upmarket crowd. 1060
Good food? Not half –
A fatted calf.
Who wants to come? Yes? You?
I'll tell you exactly what to do.
Take a bath, dress smart –
You've got to look the part –
Then hurry back as if you owned the place, 1070
And find the door slammed in your face.
Dance.

Here come the ambassadors from Sparta.

What are those things between their legs?
I took my pussy to the vet in one of those.
Enter the Spartan Ambassador, attended. 247

Good sirs of Sparta, welcome. How now? What cheer?

Ambassador
What d'you mean, what cheer? This cheer.

Chorus
I see the problem. Getting bigger all the time.
Too much of a strain. Something's got to give.

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Ambassador
Spare the diagnosis. Make the peace. 1080

Chorus
Here's our delegation. Something's up here as well.
It's an epidemic. Does everyone walk like that?

Enter an Athenian Citizen.

Citizen
Someone fetch Lysistrata, at once.
We can't go on like this.

Chorus
It is an epidemic. Do you shake before breakfast?

Citizen
It's drastic. If something doesn't happen soon, 1090
I wouldn't like to be Kleisthenes, that's all.

Chorus
Put your cloak straight, for Heaven's sake.
Remember what happened to all those Herms? !
Every one got the chop.

Citizen
Don't remind me.

Ambassador
What is all this? What chop?
Ah, that chop. Cloaks, chaps, NOW.

Enter Commissioner.
248
Commissioner
Your Excellency. Gentlemen. Hard times.

Ambassador
I wish people wouldn't keep saying that.

Commissioner
Well, gentlemen, down to business. 1100
What brings you here?

Ambassador
We want to talk peace.

Commissioner
Well, so do we.
I think we ought to call Lysistrata.
She'll sort it out.

Ambassador
For god's sake call her, then.

Chorus
No need. She must have heard. She's here.

Enter Lysistrata.

Commissioner
Lysistrata, good man. Er…

Chorus 1110
It's time, now. Time to be

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Hard…
Soft…
Enterprising…
Thoughtful…
Persuasive…
Accessible…
All things to all men.
All men are here: the whole of Greece.
They're in your hands. It's up to you. Speak now!

Lysistrata It won't be hard, if they're ready to shake hands

Instead of going for one another's throats. 249
We'll soon find out. Bring Reconciliation.
As she continues, Reconciliation is fetched in.

Bring the Spartans over here. Handle them gently,

Like ladies, not rudely, roughly,
The way our husbands do.
That's right, take their hands.
Those are their hands?
Now, fetch the Athenians. 1120
Over here. That's right.
They want their 'hands' held too.
Now, gentlemen.
Stand straight and listen.
I may be a woman, but I'm not a fool.
My father, my elders – I've listened to them all,
And I know what I think. It's this.
You ought to be ashamed. All of you.
We're all Greeks here. One family. 1130
Thermopylai, Delphi, the Olympic Games –
I could go on. One heritage, the same for all.
And still, with the enemy all but at the gates,
Greek turns on Greek. You're like mice, squabbling
While the cat sits waiting. Point Number One.

Commissioner
Have you seen that girlie?

Lysistrata
Sparta first. D'you remember that slave revolt,
Just after the earthquake, not so long ago?
The Messenian business? The trouble you were in?
What was his name, that ambassador
You sent up here for help? Perikleides.
Bright red cloak, white face, begging for soldiers. 1140
And out we marched, Kimon, four thousand men,
Saved Sparta's bacon and marched right back again.
We did that for you, and what do you do for us?
You invade us, plunder us: make war on family.
250
Commissioner
Lysistrata, you tell 'em.

Ambassador
What a behind. Er…what a good point.

Lysistrata
Athens next. You're just as bad.
Have you forgotten Hippias,
When he tried to sweep away democracy
With a gang of thugs from Thessaly?
D'you remember how Sparta rode to the rescue, 1150
A rattle of shields, a storm of spears,
All over in a morning, rule of law preserved?
That's what Sparta did. Think about it.

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If it hadn't been for Sparta,

What would you be now?
Not free men, not democrats, but slaves.

The men are still gaping at Reconciliation.

Ambassador
She has got a point.

Commissioner
You should see from here.

Lysistrata
We're family. We're friends. We owe each other.
Why are we fighting? What's your opinion, sir? 1160

Ambassador
What a fantastic pair of – ah, conditions.
Conditions, before we agree.

Lysistrata
What conditions?

Ambassador
Pylos. These narrows, here. !
Strategic importance. We have to have them.

Commissioner
No chance.
251
Lysistrata
Oh, let them have them.

Commissioner
And what do we get?

Lysistrata
Name it.

Commissioner
This area. From the peaks up here
To the scrubland here… 1170

Ambassador
You're joking.

Lysistrata
Don't fight for a bit of scrub.

Commissioner
My plans include stripping, ploughing…

Ambassador
I've a fertilisation scheme in mind.

Lysistrata
Why not make peace…and share?
If that's agreed, shake hands here now
And then put it to the allies.

Commissioner
Don't worry about the allies. Whatever we put up,
They'll ram it home like the gallant lads they are.

Ambassador 1180

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So will ours. No flabbiness down there.

Commissioner
Karystos' all set. !

Lysistrata
Right. Go inside and sacrifice.
We'll go back home, get the party ready.
When you've sworn your oaths,
When you've promised to be good, 252
We'll be waiting to welcome you with open arms.

Commissioner
Come on, this way.

Ambassador
No, after you.

Commissioner
Get on with it!

Exeunt all but Chorus.

Chorus Bedspreads and blankets and sheets crispy-white;

Necklaces, bracelets and rings shiny-bright; 1190
All of them free,
Waiting for you.
Just form a queue –
And whatever you see,
Jar of fresh water,
Dress for your daughter –
Stroke it and pat it,
Grab it and nab it – 1200
Just be sure that I don't catch you at it.

Pastries and tartlets and slices of cake;

Breadrolls and bloomers and baps from the bake;
Just what you need
For your kiddies, your wife;
Bring a fork; bring a knife,
If you fancy a feed.
Look at the menu,
Order, and then you 1210
Can feast like a hog,
Lunching and munching –
There's just one thing: Beware of the Dog.

Dance. When it ends, the Commissioner and his retinue come out of the central doorway,
drunk and with torches.
253
Commissioner This way. Mind the door. Whoops!
Why are you lying there in heaps?
Want me to singe your bums for you?

(to the audience)

I shouldn't be doing this. You shouldn't be watching.

It's vulgar. What d'you mean, you're enjoying it?
Oh well, whatever the public wants. 1220

Athenian Citizen
Wharreverapublicwants.

Commissioner
Move, I said. Layabouts. Stir yourselves.
Our guests are on their way. Home from dinner.

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We don't want them stumbling over riff-raff.

Citizen
Proper gents. Thass what they are. Gents.
Did you see them drinking? Hollow legs.
Mind you, we din do so bad ourselves.

Commissioner
Of course we dint. Take it from me:
If you don drink, stay out of politics. 1230
Thass what politicians need: big drinks.
I mean, you know what we're like when we're sober:
Yap yap, nag nag, row row. And afterwards –
Your head's like a wrung-out sponge;
You seem to remember something…what?
Total disaster. But when you've had a few, like now:
Everyone smiling, everyone clapping an cheering,
Sing us the old songs, give us another.
Shh! They're coming. Our friends. Our guests.
Get out of the way. We don't want riff-raff. 1240

Citizen
Gerrout of the way. They wanna dance.

Enter Ambassador and Spartans.

254
Ambassador
Where's the piper? Squeeze that bag, man.
I feel like dancing, like singing.
For all our friends in Athens. And at home.

Citizen
Yeah, baggy, give's a blow.
I wanna watchim dance.

Music. Dance. !

Spartan(s) Sing, Memory.

Bring the old days alive again,
The good old days.
Sing of valour, of victory, 1250
How Athens sent a cloud,
A storm of ships
To sink the Persians;
How Sparta sent hunters,
Boar-hunters,
To trap the beast in blood.
Persians, countless,
Numberless as sand,
Sweating, running. 1260

Come, Artemis.
Lady, huntress, come to us, come,
Smile on us, smile.
All arguments over, we smile,
Shake hands, make peace.
Huntress, come,
Your dogs, your spears,
Smile on us,
End wrangles that eat the soul,
Gnawing, tearing.
Sweet lady, come to us,
Dance with us,
Sweet lady, smile. !1270
255
Lysistrata
All's well that ends well. Spartans, dance.

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People of Athens, seize your chance.

Now wife with husband, man with wife,
Step lively in the dance of life.
Pray blessings. May they never cease.
Quiet lives, good sense, unending peace.

Athenian(s)
Graces, dance.
Artemis, dance. 1280
Apollo, lead the dance.
Dionysos, your Maenads, dance.
Zeus, lord of lightning,
Dance.
Hera, queen of Heaven,
Dance.
Gods above,
Dance for us,
Dance for our happiness,
Dance for our joy, 1290
Ee-a-ee,
Happiness,
Ee-a-ee,
Yoo-o-ee, yoo-o-ee, yoo-a-ee, yoo-a-ee.

Lysistrata
Now your turn. A Spartan song.

Spartan(s) From high hills echoing,

Sing, Muse of Sparta, sing.
Sing Apollo, Athene sing, 1300
Sing Castor, Pollux sing.
By the waters of Sparta sing.
E-ee-a,
Girls of Sparta, sing,
Dancing, foals,
A whirl,
A stampede, 1310
Manes flying, 256
Dance by the riverside,
For Dionysos, Dionysos,
Dance.
Daughter of Leda, dance!

Whirl, leap, spin, twirl.

Hair streaming, cymbals, pounding feet,
Dance for the goddess, dance for peace. 1320

Exeunt omnes.
Translation copyright © by Kenneth McLeish, 1993

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