Narcissism

10 books in 1
This book includes:

- Narcissistic Abuse
- Gaslighting
- Dealing with a Narcissist
- The Covert Narcissist
- Dating a Narcissist
- Should I Stay or Should I go
-Divorcing a Narcissist
- Narcissistic Mothers
- Narcissistic Fathers
- How to Handle a Narcissist, Sociopath or
Psychopath
 © Copyright 2021 - All rights reserved.
The follow eBook is reproduced below with the goal of providing
information that is as accurate and reliable as possible. Regardless,
purchasing this eBook can be seen as consent to the fact that both the
publisher and the author of this book are in no way experts on the topics
discussed within and that any recommendations or suggestions that are
made herein are for entertainment purposes only. Professionals should be
consulted as needed prior to undertaking any of the action endorsed herein.
This declaration is deemed fair and valid by both the American Bar
Association and the Committee of Publishers Association and is legally
binding throughout the United States.
Furthermore, the transmission, duplication or reproduction of any of the
following work including specific information will be considered an illegal
act irrespective of if it is done electronically or in print. This extends to
creating a secondary or tertiary copy of the work or a recorded copy and is
only allowed with express written consent from the Publisher. All additional
right reserved.
The information in the following pages is broadly considered to be a
truthful and accurate account of facts and as such any inattention, use or
misuse of the information in question by the reader will render any resulting
actions solely under their purview. There are no scenarios in which the
publisher or the original author of this work can be in any fashion deemed
liable for any hardship or damages that may befall them after undertaking
information described herein.
Additionally, the information in the following pages is intended only for
informational purposes and should thus be thought of as universal. As
befitting its nature, it is presented without assurance regarding its prolonged
validity or interim quality. Trademarks that are mentioned are done without
written consent and can in no way be considered an endorsement from the
trademark holder.
 Table of contents
Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Abuse
Introduction
Chapter 1: Understanding the Narcissist
Chapter 2: The Toxic Attraction between an Empath and a
Narcissist
Chapter 3: The Gaslighting Narcissist
Chapter 4: No Random Targets: He Chose You
Chapter 5: The Narcissist as a Social Creature
Chapter 6: Narcissism in the Relationship
Chapter 7: Effects of Narcissistic Abuse over Time
Chapter 8: Advice for Dealing with a Narcissist and the Aftermath
of Abuse
Chapter 9: Recovery
Conclusion
Gaslighting

Gaslighting The Narcissist's favorite tool of Manipulation

Introduction
Chapter 1 - Gaslighting: The Narcissist's Favorite Tool for
Manipulation
Chapter 2 – What Is Gaslighting? | How to Avoid Mental
Manipulation
Chapter 3 – Cognitive Dissonance | How Manipulation Affects You
Chapter 4 – How Gaslighting Narcissists Operate to Make their
Victim Think that they are Crazy
Chapter 5 – The Effects of Gaslighting
Chapter 6 – Top Ten Signs You are Being Manipulated with
Gaslighting
Chapter 7 – 80 Things Narcissists Say During Gaslighting.
Chapter 8 - Crush Gaslighting | Six Empowering Ways to Disarm
a Narcissist and Take Control
Chapter 9 – Gaslighting Repellent | How to Shut Down a Narcissist
Chapter 10 – Gaslighting Through Technology |
How Narcissists Employ Smart Devices
Chapter 11 – How to deal with the Effects of Gaslighting
Chapter 12 – Can Narcissists Trick Intelligent People?
Conclusion
Dealing with a Narcissist

Dealing with a Narcissist

Introduction to Narcissism
Chapter 1: Understanding the Mind of a Narcissist
Chapter 2: Identify the Type of Narcissist You Are Dealing With
Chapter 3: Create Boundaries with the Narcissist and Stick to the
Boundaries
Chapter 4: Empathic Validation
Chapter 5: Avoid Sharing TMI (Too Much Information)
Chapter 6: Don't Assume the Narcissist Cares About You
Chapter 7: Don’t Engage the Narcissist in Psychological Games
Chapter 8: Don’t Second-Guess Your Decisions When Dealing
With a Narcissist
Chapter 9: Try Not to Take the Narcissist’s Actions Personally
Chapter 10: Verify Any and All Claims That the Narcissist Makes
Chapter 11: Don’t Compete With the Narcissist
Chapter 12: Get Away From the Narcissist
Chapter 13: Ignore the Narcissist
Chapter 14: 10 Things a Narcissist Will Always Do In a
Relationship
Conclusion
Covert Narcissist

Covert Narcissist
Introduction
Chapter 1: Who are covert narcissists?
Chapter 2: Who can be a covert narcissist?
Chapter 3: Who is their supply?
Chapter 4: How to recognize a covert narcissist?
Chapter 5: The manipulation
Chapter 6: The isolation
Chapter 7: Stages of a relationship with a covert narcissist
Chapter 8: Hoovering
Chapter 9: Attempts to leave
Chapter 10: What triggers narcissistic behavior?
Chapter 11: The aftermath
Chapter 12: The road to healing
Chapter 13: When does healing begin?
Chapter 14: How to deal with a narcissist?
Conclusion
Dating a narcissist
DATING A NARCISSIST
Introduction
The Three Cycles of Narcissistic Abuse
Chapter 1: Love Bombing - Why Do Narcissists Seem So Perfect?
Chapter 2: Devaluation – Honeymoon’s Over!
Chapter 3: Discarding – Run Away and Never Look Back
Narcissistic Manipulation In Dating
Chapter 4: The Overt Narcissist and The Covert Narcissist
Chapter 5: The Narcissist’s Harem
Chapter 6: They will HOOVER you!
Chapter 7: The Gaslighting Trick
Chapter 8: Future Faking
Chapter 9: Flying Monkeys
Chapter 10: Do You Want to Know Why You are Dating a
Narcissist?
Chapter 11: An Important Question - Am I Dating a Narcissist?
Chapter 12: The Signs that You are Dating a Narcissist
Chapter 13: Narcissistic Date Vs. Healthy Date
Chapter 14: Six Sneaky Things Narcissists Do to Get You Back
Chapter 15: LIES
Chapter 16: Dating Tips
Chapter 17: Healing After Dating a Narcissist
Chapter 18: Healthy Love - Dating After a Narcissist
Chapter 19: First Date – How to Spot a Narcissist
Conclusion
Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Introduction
Chapter 1: Identify and state the problem
Assessing the Situation Objectively
Identifying a Narcissist
It Wasn’t Your Fault
Are Narcissists Capable of Falling in Love?
The single biggest thing that keeps women stuck in indecision
and how to overcome It - Acceptance
So Where Did They Go Wrong?
Chapter 2: Present the solution
Your Starting Point
How to identify what’s not working in the relationship that is
actually working for you.
Take everything slowly
How to interrupt the same recurring painful patterns and why
nothing ever seems to get resolved.
Don’t Engage the Narcissist in Psychological Games
Detach with Love
How to Deal with Narcissistic Rage at The Narcissists Life
Getting Back in the Driver’s Seat
Chapter 3: Assert credibility
Was It Really an Abusive Relationship?
 Don’t Second-Guess Your Decisions When Dealing with a
Narcissist
Is There a Future for a Relationship Touched by Narcissism?
Can the Narcissist Change?
Chapter 4: Show them the benefits
Acknowledgment
Understanding
Staying Calm
Try Not to Take the Narcissist’s Actions Personally
What you should do if “he needs to change” but seems to be fine
with mediocrity.
How to communicate with a narcissist
The Narcissist’s Awareness
How to have compassion for a narcissist
What to expect from a narcissist?
How to end a fight with a narcissist
How to love a narcissist
Avoid exposing them
Admire and listen to them
Don’t reject them
Avoid showing weaknesses or needs, and give them an “out”
when they attack
How to stop someone being a narcissist
Chapter 5: Give them proof
Verify Any and All Claims That the Narcissist Makes
It Is Okay to Say No
Chapter 6: Make a promise
The most important thing you need to do now so you don’t
remain stuck in indecision.
Ignore the Narcissist
Why up to 74% of marriages are failing right now and what to do
about it for your own life so you’re not just another statistic.
Why it’s CRITICAL you choose wisely with whom you discuss
your struggling marriage and why the wrong choice can end a
marriage worth saving.
Chapter 7: Create a sense of urgency
If you can’t stay, then Get away from them
Understand What Is Required if you decide to stay in the
relationship
Specific tips to give your marriage any hope of feeling good
again that you can implement in your marriage starting today.
How to protect yourself and your children from a narcissist
The real cause of the shift from wedded bliss to loneliness
What to do when you have love for him...but aren’t in love with
him
The ONE single thing you need to focus on at all times to find
the clarity and confidence you Want - Self-Esteem
How to know if hope actually exists for your struggling marriage
or if it is beyond recovery.
You have to choose between “happiness” and staying together,
right? Wrong! How to pave the path to happiness inside your
marriage if that’s what you want.
 The very first thing you should do if and when you realize the
marriage is over.
Conclusion
Divorcing and Healing from a Narcissist

Divorcing and Healing from a Narcissist

Introduction
Chapter 1: UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM
Understanding and Defining Narcissism
“The Codependent - Narcissist Dance”: The Perfect
Dysfunctional Relationship
“Narcissists and Normals”: Why You Are the Perfect Match for
a Narcissist
Dating a Narcissist
Signs You Have Narcissist Victim Syndrome
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome: What is it?
Chapter 2: MARRIAGE AND THE NARCISSIST
5 Things to Look For in the Narcissist’s View of Marriage
8 Reason Why a Narcissist Gets Married
Narcissistic Cruelty, Whilst Being Kind To Everyone Else!
“The Hatred Illusion”
Types of Narcissists
Chapter 3: DIVORCING A NARCISSIST
“It may be difficult at first but divorcing a narcissist is worth it.”
Divorcing a Narcissist: Stop Reacting!
How to Manage Conflict
How to Deal with a Narcissist in Court
Mourning, Grieving and Letting Go
Chapter 4: BREAKING FREE
Overcoming Loneliness (After Narcissistic Abuse)
Boundaries: Your New Power Word
Dating After Leaving the Narcissist
No Contact and Healing
Recovery, Integration and Moving Forward
Conclusion
Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissistic Mothers
Introduction
Chapter 1: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Chapter 2: Types of Narcissism
Chapter 3: How to Recognize A Narcissistic Mother
Chapter 4: Behaviors of a Narcissistic Mother
Chapter 5: The Signs That You Have a Narcissistic Mother
Chapter 6: Treatment for Children of Narcissistic Mothers
Chapter 7: Things Narcissistic Mothers Say for Mental
Manipulation and Control
Chapter 8: Protection Tips
Chapter 9: Separating From a Narcissistic Mother
Chapter 10: How to HEAL from ABUSE!
Conclusion
Narcissistic Fathers

Narcissistic Fathers
Introduction
Chapter 1: Who are narcissistic fathers?
Chapter 2: Signs of a narcissistic father
Chapter 3: The dark core of personality in narcissistic fathers
Chapter 4: Narcissistic fathers and their inability to love
Chapter 5: Weapons of a narcissist: How a narcissistic father
controls
Chapter 6: Narcissistic fathers and unhealthy family dynamics
Chapter 7: The scapegoat vs. the golden child
Chapter 8: The wounds of the scapegoated child
Chapter 9: Narcissistic fathers, their sons, and daughters
Chapter 10: The effects of paternal narcissism on children
Chapter 11: Breaking free from a narcissistic father
Chapter 12: Steps to healing and rewriting your story
Conclusion
How to Handle a Narcissist, Sociopath or
Psyachopath

Introduction
Chapter 1: Understanding the Psychology of Narcissism
Chapter 2: How to spot the differences between Narcissist,
Psychopath, and Sociopath
Chapter 3: Why Empaths Attract Toxic People and HOW TO FIX
IT
Chapter 4: Warning Signs you are dealing with a Toxic Person.
Chapter 5: The Abusive Cycle: Idealize, Devalue and Discard
Chapter 6: Narcissist Manipulation techniques
Chapter 7: How to Stop from being Manipulated
Chapter 8: Should I expose the narcissist?
Chapter 9: Practical Exercises to heal after Narcissistic Abuse
Chapter 10: How to rebuild Yourself after Narcissistic Abuse
Chapter 11: Q&A about Narcissism
Bonus Chapter The most important Think you need to know
Conclusion
 Narcissistic Abuse
Recovering from a toxic relationship and becoming
the Narcissist's nightmare. Healing from emotional
abuse and averting the narcissistic personality
disorder to get your power back!

Dr. Theresa J. Covert

 Introduction

C ongratulations on purchasing Narcissistic Abuse and thank you for

doing so.
The following chapters will discuss several topics related to identifying a
narcissist, the signs of narcissistic abuse, the short and long-term effects of
narcissistic abuse, as well as some tips for dealing with a narcissist and
healing after abuse. There is really no way to describe how it feels to have
dealt with a true narcissist; only those who have been affected and
understand the depths of the abuse of a narcissistic will truly understand
what it feels like. It is my hope that, through reading this book, that those
who believe they’ve suffered at the hands of a narcissist or suspect the
presence of a narcissistic abuser in their lives will be able to educate
themselves so that they can identify and evade the chaos that awaits them.
In chapter 1, we will discuss the basics of narcissism and how the
psychological community categorizes different manifestations of a
narcissistic personality. We will then cover several different strategies and
character traits which are trademark signs of a narcissistic abuser, including
gaslighting and choosing targets. We will discuss what it is like to be in a
romantic relationship with a narcissistic abuser and the effects of such
abuse over time. Finally, we will look at some ways a person can protect
themselves from potential narcissistic abuse as well as identify when they
might be suffering from abuse and how to get help. The path to recovery
from narcissistic abuse can be long and circuitous. The emotional and
psychological effects often last for the rest of the person’s life, but we must
also remember that the human mind has an incredible capacity for healing
and rebuilding.
There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for
choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much
useful information as possible, please enjoy!
 Chapter 1: Understanding the Narcissist

I n order to discuss narcissistic abuse, we must first learn about the basic
characteristics of a narcissist and how they manifest in their relationships
with other people.
Many people will be surprised to learn that there are actually several
different subtypes and manifestations of narcissism. For example, a
narcissistic personality can be cerebral or somatic. The cerebral narcissist is
the individual who believes they are intellectually much more capable and
smarter than everyone else. They look down on others and assume as part
of their nature that everything they have to offer intellectually is going to be
much better than the others’ contributions, whether it’s an idea or plan of
action at work or how best to do a job at home or in school.
The cerebral narcissist is all about impressing others with their mental
prowess and may often exaggerate or even make up stories from their lives
in order to inflate this reaction from other people. The underlining
component to the narcissist’s behavior, after all, is self-worship. They
worship themselves, but they are also very needy when it comes to
receiving praise from others as well. They will put others down if it makes
them look better in everyone else’s eyes without hesitation.
Then you have the somatic narcissist, who is basically just madly in love
with their aesthetic qualities. They are generally very meticulous about their
appearances and will do anything to maintain their looks. They are in love
with their own reflections and see no faults when they look in the mirror.
Think of the guy at the gym who seems to live there, constantly looking at
his reflection and showing off for everyone around him. Whenever he sees
someone else who looks good, he may go out of his way to demonstrate his
superiority in some way. Now, this isn’t enough to go on to concretely label
someone a narcissist, but it would definitely be familiar territory in terms of
how a somatic narcissist might spend his time.
When we talk about narcissism, I will most often refer to the narcissist as a
“he.” That’s because it turns out, there are many more male narcissists than
there are female. Psychologists have lots of theories and beliefs about why
this is, and we can dig into that a bit deeper later, but know that in general, a
narcissist is much more likely to be a man than a woman.
Okay, so we have these two overarching categories of narcissism. Now, let’s
talk a bit about the four different subtypes of narcissist personalities. These
subtypes may be discussed using slightly different terminology in different
mediums, but they are broadly uniform when we talk about the different
types.
The first subtype is called overt narcissism. Overt narcissism describes a
person who is narcissistic and openly displays this personality type. The
overt narcissist is who most people think of first when anyone mentions the
term narcissism. He is quite loud and boisterous about his personal
accomplishments. She will use weapons like shaming and making fun of
others in order to make herself look better than everyone else, especially
when she feels like her status is being threatened. The overt narcissist does
not hesitate to openly take action against others or to bolster their own egos
without any regard to how it affects others. This is because one of the basic
tenets of narcissism is a general lack of empathy for others. In their minds,
there is no one more important than themselves, therefore, whatever they
need to do to help themselves is perfectly fine, even if it means stomping all
over others. This is often one of the first ways people recognize a narcissist;
there is a blatant disregard for others that crosses over into inappropriate
and hurtful territory, and they don’t even try to hide it because there is zero
feelings of shame or empathy. The overt narcissist will feed off of other
people’s positive reaction to their behavior, making them feel even more
entitled to treat others how they want. They are the classic bully and may
attract others as a kind of entourage simply because of the confidence and
power they exude.
The second subtype of the narcissistic personality is called covert
narcissism. This is an interesting one and probably quite controversial,
depending on whom we’re talking about. The covert narcissist is someone
who hides their intentions and motivations behind a curtain of goodwill and
humanitarianism. They contribute to charities, volunteer, help friends in
need, but they do so with as much spotlight on them as they can conjure.
They want to be seen being “good people” because this feeds their self-
image of basically being a saint who can do no wrong. They relish the
praise they receive from others, people telling them they are so nice and
kind and generous when all they really care about is making themselves
look good.
The third subtype and one of the most damaging to victims is the seductive
narcissist. This applies to both romantic relationships and nonromantic
relationships and refers to the emotional manipulation that takes place in
order to tie a person to the narcissist individual through a toxic emotional
addiction that is first cultivated through a showering of affection over time,
and then suddenly withdrawn. The seductive narcissist is skilled at making
his victim feel like they are the most important person in the world to him.
He may give gifts and spend lots of money on dates and talk openly about
his emotions, feign vulnerability and sincerity, then, once the victim feels
attached, will suddenly withdraw, pulling his victim along behind him. This
is an especially cruel situation because the victim is being used completely
for the sole purpose of the narcissist’s pleasure and self-worship. He may
not have feelings at all for his victim, but simply enjoys having someone
tethered to him under false pretenses. It is a sickening and deeply hurtful
experience for the victim once they figure out what is going on if they ever
do.
The final subtype is also one of the more damaging types and is the
vindictive narcissist. Similar to the overt narcissist, the vindictive narcissist
will be quite open with their narcissistic personality traits, but in addition,
the vindictive narcissist is set on destroying and tearing down others. This is
how they feed their need to rise above everyone else. Their victims could be
family members, romantic partners, coworkers, or anyone else they come to
view as “in their way” somehow. Their methods for tearing down and
destroying other people include all types of emotional and psychological
manipulation; whatever works best. They may plant insidious rumors about
others in an effort to get people to hate one another or talk about people
behind their backs in order to manipulate others’ opinions of them. They are
the playground bullies who love seeing those they deem weak cry and beg
and get emotional. This makes them feel superior and justified in what they
do.
In the next chapter, we will discuss how the narcissist interacts and affects
those of us in the world we call “empaths.” This is perhaps one of the most
hurtful and toxic interactions that can happen in the world of narcissism
because you are dealing with one individual who cares deeply and feels
deeply in connection with others and one individual who is completely void
of those feelings. When the narcissist gets his claws into an empath, the
results can be devastating.
 Chapter 2: The Toxic Attraction between an
Empath and a Narcissist

A n empath is someone who feels not only their own emotions deeply,
but the emotions of others. They are the people at work or at school
that react instantly and intensely to both good and bad news shared by their
friends and family. Some empaths use their empathic feelings to help others
in their professional lives as therapists or in another medical field. Others,
perhaps, feel a bit as though they are weighed down by their empathic
feelings as they try to manage their own lives while shouldering others’
emotions around them. We’ve all met someone who falls into the empathic
category. It is one of the most wonderful experiences a person can have
when he/she crosses paths with an empath and is able to form a friendship.
This is because you always have someone you can talk to who is really
going to understand and feel what you are going through, even if they
haven’t experienced the exact same circumstances. They understand and
feel when you are sad, when you are happy, and everything in between.
They are great fun to celebrate with because happiness is infectious and
easily radiates into the empath.
There is a danger, though, especially when an empath is also prone to
trusting her emotions more than her intellect or gut feelings. Empaths can
be too trusting, especially if they are sucked in by someone who seems like
they need support. This is where the toxic attraction between an empath and
a narcissist can have dire consequences.
Let’s demonstrate by painting a scenario. A young adult female is a
demonstrable empath and is surrounded by a large group of friends as well
as loving family members. She has never been purposefully hurt or
manipulated because people love to be around her and value her as a friend.
She’s helped many of her friends through tough times in their lives through
being there and providing a shoulder to cry on. She feels her friends’ pain
and is willing to go through it alongside them to help them through. When
she sees someone in need, she feels very strongly for them and tries to help
in any way she can. She is the girl you see going out of her way on the
sidewalk to throw some change into the homeless man’s bucket or help an
elderly woman across the street or an elderly man with is groceries as he
struggles to get them into his car. It is very difficult for her to simply ignore
or do nothing when she feels someone else’s pain or discomfort. Similarly,
she is very sensitive to other people’s feelings and expressions of anger and
frustration. She avoids confrontation at all costs because the feelings are
overwhelming for her. She often breaks down after a heated argument as
she absorbs the feelings of anger given off by the other person.
Now, a narcissist happens to cross paths with this very kind, empathic
person. It might be in a restaurant or at a bar when she is around her friends.
He listens to bits and pieces of her conversations with others around her and
picks up on the fact that she cares very deeply for the people around her,
sharing in their pain and trying to help in any way she can. Perhaps, she
sees her consoling a friend in a coffee shop while she almost seems more
upset than the friend who actually went through the breakup, or some other
situation. The narcissist ticks off items in a checklist which details his
perfect victim. We can almost imagine him mentally checking off the boxes
with a pen in his mind: naïve, gullible, kind, empathic, and trusting.
In this situation, different types of narcissists may adopt different strategies
for making initial contact, and we will talk more about the process of how a
narcissist chooses his targets in a later chapter, but for now, let’s assume a
narcissist decides to lure in this empath by subtly approaching and
expressing some kind of sadness. He may hold his head in his hands, breath
heavily, let out an exasperated sigh, any number of things to try and get this
woman’s attention. He may strike up a conversation and gradually work in
that he is going through a tough time, gently suggesting that he wants to
talk about his problems with her.
At this point, the narcissist is going to look for signals from the young
woman. Is she comfortable around him? Does she feel intimidated? Scared?
Is she still unsure and needs some more encouragement? Perhaps he picks
up on some signals that she might be attracted to him. This is like getting a
golden ticket for the narcissist and serves as his green light to work his way
in further.
The narcissist, in this situation, is not going to be intimidated by her having
friends around, either. One of the narcissist’s overabundant character traits
is overwhelming confidence in himself and his attraction. He’s going to be
able to tell when he’s successfully intrigued this woman because it is all he
cares about and looks for in other people. He is constantly trying out new
strategies and gauging other people’s reactions to his talk and behavior. At
this point, even if her friends try to tug her away and bring the interaction to
an end, the narcissist is going to sit tight and wait for the woman to come to
him. He’s already done his job.
Perhaps the woman, let’s call her Claire, comes back a few minutes later to
ask if he is ok or if he needs to talk more. The skilled narcissist might speak
reassuringly to her while looking at her with eyes that suggest he appreciate
having her around. He may make a subtle gesture, like touching her hand or
arm, in order to gauge her new comfort level with him. He knows how to
pretend like he needs support but does not want to interfere with Claire’s
fun night, which she will find endearing. The night will either end with
Claire abandoning her friends in favor of helping out this attractive man
who is clearly in pain and in need of support, or she will give him her
number so that they may talk later. Either way, the narcissist can consider
the play a win.
What is so dangerous in this situation is that the narcissist truly will feel
absolutely no remorse for the emotional roller coaster he is about to put
Claire through. He is going to revel in her attention and his ability to
manipulate her emotions and actions toward whatever end he desires. He’s
going to know when he’s managed to form an attachment that she feels is a
real connection and when to pull back so that she craves being with him. He
will work his way into her mind and perhaps even cause her to question her
reality.
In the next chapter, we will discuss gaslighting—what it is and how it may
be used by the narcissist. It is another effective tool which many narcissists
learn to master because it offers so much in terms of being able to control
another person’s thought patterns and behaviors. You may have heard the
term in relation to another form of mental manipulation called
brainwashing. These terms refer to very real and very hurtful forms of
manipulation that can lead to long-term confusion and emotional distress.
We’ll look at an example using the narcissist and our empath, Claire.
 Chapter 3: The Gaslighting Narcissist

O ne of the things which make narcissism both fascinating and terrifying

is that it can be difficult to work out exactly what makes them tick and
what their specific motivations and objectives are. We know broadly that
one of the main motivations for a narcissist in his life is to garner
recognition and praise from others, but what about on a small scale, with an
individual victim? Sometimes, it seems almost as though the narcissist is
destroying a person’s emotional health just for fun or to see how far he can
go. It is a sick and depressing thing to think about. But what else could be
motivating a person to treat another human being this way?
Perhaps, we can get a little bit closer by looking at some more of the
fundamental characteristics of a narcissistic personality. We’ve already
discussed the general lack of empathy, which pretty much applies across the
board in terms of the different narcissist subtypes. But there is another
important aspect of the narcissist which is the one thing he tries to hide
more than anything, and that is insecurity.
It is important to note that people are not born narcissists, the personality is
formed as a result of many different factors involving nature and nurture
which are too complex and various to nail down on a general scale.
However, when we look at a narcissist’s history, it is sometimes possible to
hypothesize as to what facets of his upbringing/childhood/adolescence may
have contributed to his eventual turning into a narcissist. One of the reasons
it feels so imperative to figure out why a narcissist is this way is the
apparent meaninglessness and lack of reason involved in using emotionally
manipulative tactics like gaslighting on another human being.
What exactly is gaslighting and how does it affect a victim over time?
Essentially, gaslighting is a manipulative process that, over time, causes the
victim to question various aspects of his/her reality. To get a clearer picture
of what I mean, let’s look at some of the warning signs that someone is
gaslighting you.
The biggest and most obvious telltale sign is when the person tells obvious,
blatant lies. They may be able to look you straight in the face and tell a lie
that you may or may not be absolutely sure is false. There is a calculated
reason for the narcissist’s confidence in himself and this tactic, and it has
probably worked for him before. He is going to continue to lie to you until
you start to question whether or not you actually know what’s going on.
People who are confident enough to lie like this, like narcissists, are going
to be very effective in their delivery. It will be very difficult to counter their
claims because they seem so sure about themselves and what they are
claiming to be true.
Another warning sign occurs when the narcissists start to deny that they
even said something when you know that they did. It’s been said that if at
any point in your relationship you feel the need to actually record a
conversation, you should get your guard up because this is a pretty good
sign that you’re being gaslighted. The gaslighting narcissist will also use
things and people that are precious to you and turn them into emotional
weapons against you. They may back up their claims about you and your
flaws with reasonable-sounding arguments, perhaps presenting them in a
matter-of-fact way, as everyone knows about this except you. When they’ve
managed to convince you that there is something wrong with you, just like
they say, then they will continue to wear you down over time using other
flaws or convincing you to isolate yourself from other family and/or
friends, even your children.
It can be incredibly frustrating for the victim in a gaslighting situation
because the perpetrator’s words are often not going to line up with the
person’s actions. He will say things to you perhaps even lift you up and give
you encouragement. But then his behavior may contradict what he has said
to you, making you feel like his words are meaningless, or perhaps that you
are doing something to cause him not to follow through with what he says.
Let’s look at the example with Claire. Perhaps, after a few conversations,
the narcissist, let’s call him Mark, sees that Claire is growing more attracted
to him. He has carefully constructed his story and conversation so as to
portray exactly who he wants her to see, even though it isn’t genuine. Let’s
say their relationship grows and he is able to convince her that there are
some things about herself that she should work on. Maybe he brings up
something about her personality that he overheard one of her friends’
making a comment on. Mark begins to plant seeds of insecurity, doubt, and
confusion based around the things that he knows she values. He may
promise her the world, then seem to fall away completely until she comes
begging for him to return to her. He then uses this opportunity of
vulnerability to tell her that he would be a lot happier with her if she just
fixed this or that thing, maybe it’s her appearance or her job, or something
else. Gaslighting comes into play when he begins to feed her lies and
confuse her about the things that he has said which contradict his behavior.
Any time she tries to call him out, he responds very confidently and
convincingly, letting her know that she is incorrect. The key here is that he
is going to make small steps toward this end over time. It is a slow burn,
and Claire is going to suddenly find herself buried deep in her confusion
before she even realizes what is going on. Things that she used to be so sure
of will fall away and meld into the reality Mark wants to design for her.
The trap is insidious and can go on for years or even decades. The skilled
narcissist knows that the more they can confuse you, the more control they
can exert over you. They work to make you emotionally vulnerable so that
you feel you need him to guide you through. Mark may take steps to turn
even Claire’s closest friends against her, and then blame them for all the
emotional turmoil she is going through. At this point, Clair has developed
an emotional dependency and feels like she is nothing without Mark.
The final straw, and the mark of success in the narcissist’s mind would be to
actually convince you that you are crazy, that you have no idea what you’re
talking about when you try to call him out on his lies or behavior. Once they
can shut this down and make you totally question what’s really going on
around you, then they have complete control over you. They may feel like
keeping up the charade and pulling you around further, or they may get
bored and decide to move on to a completely new challenge, seeing as
they’ve conquered you.
If and when Claire finally comes to the realization of what’s been done to
her, she may start to wonder, why her? What did she do to deserve this? For
any victim of narcissistic abuse, this is a question that he/she will likely
struggle with. After all, depending on how far the abuse has gone, the
victim is going to have very low self-esteem and confidence, having been
beaten down emotionally to feel worthless and stupid. So what is the
answer to the burning question, why me?
 Chapter 4: No Random Targets:
He Chose You

M ake no mistake; the fact that a person is targeted has nothing to do

with chance. In other words, the narcissist is not just going up to
people randomly or based on one or two outward characteristics. The
narcissist is a calculated thinker with a detailed plan in his head that is as
natural to him as breathing. When a person is targeted by a narcissist, it is
because this person fulfills many requirements which complete the picture
of the perfect victim, similar to the checklist Mark was ticking off in his
head as he observed Claire at the bar.
There are several characteristics and strengths which narcissists tend to
target when they decide to break down another human being. Many people
think that narcissists go after people who seem hurt or broken in some way.
Well, this is both true and false. It’s true that many narcissist abuse victims
have some kind of pre-existing insecurity or source of pain in their lives,
but this is not necessarily the main reason a narcissist would target them.
You may think that because someone is weak, the narcissist is eager to
make easy prey of them. But the truth is, most narcissists want to enjoy a
challenge. Picking up an injured animal just to poke and prod an already
broken-down creature would not be much fun or much of a challenge.
Instead, narcissists actually target those people who possess some aspect of
personality or life circumstance that the narcissist doesn’t believe they
deserve or should have. It doesn’t even have to be jealousy; a narcissist
simply doesn’t like seeing other people besides themselves find success or
power. For this reason, the target of a narcissist may possess skills and
character traits that define quite successful, strong people. The key is that
their targets also ideally have a large amount of demonstrable empathy and
compassion. In fact, the stronger and more intelligent the victim, the more
satisfaction the narcissist is going to get from breaking them down.
So, let’s complete the picture of an ideal narcissist victim. Of course, this
isn’t going to be a perfect example to fit every narcissist; there are going to
be variances. But we know from research that the narcissist tends to target
victims with certain sets of strengths and character traits.
Let’s use Claire again as our example. We already know that Claire is an
empath. She feels others’ emotions as well as her own very strongly, and
she feels that it is her duty to go out of her way to help others whenever she
can. Let’s say that she is also known to be someone with a lot of integrity.
Someone with high integrity is likely to be true to their word, hardworking,
and honest with others. When they promise that they can make a deadline at
work and it turns out to be a little tighter than they’d anticipated, they are
going to work extra hard to make sure they follow through, even though
they have to skip a meal or skip date night whatever they may have had
planned before. This is an attractive trait for the narcissist because if he can
successfully get his hooks in this victim, he knows he’s going to be able to
use feelings of obligation to coerce her into doing things she may not
necessarily have done under different circumstances. Perhaps, he will be
able to trick Claire into promising something based on an emotional need,
then have to cancel other important plans that she’s overlooked because she
was preoccupied with the narcissist’s incessant attention-seeking behaviors.
Claire, as an ideal victim, is also going to betray some source of emotional
trauma or weakness which will make itself evident as the narcissist crawls
his way into her mind. We can take a few pointers from the experiences of
people who have fallen victim to cults.
One of the most effective strategies recruiters have used to get people too
sucked into a radical new way of thinking in line with a cult is to find what
it is that person is secretly desperate to find satisfaction for. Many people
who are very lonely will latch on to a person and what they are saying
simply in reaction to their showing the victim a measure of kindness and
attention. There are many people out there who are so filled with pain and
who feel isolated. When someone gives them an opportunity to find support
for their pain, it is very easy for the person to also accept many other tenets
and belief systems alongside that comfort.
Perhaps, a person who is down on their luck in the financial department
comes upon a recruiter, whom he doesn’t yet know is a recruiter, and this
person starts a conversation. The recruiter commiserates with this
individual, saying she also has some money issues. Then she goes on to say
how she found relief through this group of people who work together and
live together, relieving themselves of financial burdens connected with
housing, transportation, etc. The recruiter makes it sound like heaven on
earth, and soon, the man is brought in to the group and introduced to others.
The source of the pain of the victim is always going to be addressed before
introducing any kind of belief systems because it is imperative to hook the
victim through emotional need before you can introduce new thought
patterns.
The narcissist is going to employ a similar tactic in many instances,
especially if they manage to get the victim to open up early in the
interaction. There is nothing more thrilling to the narcissist than getting an
otherwise strong, independent, and confident individual to open up about
their vulnerabilities. The narcissist will use this information against the
victim, playing up those things which tear the victim down emotionally,
then building up a feeling of reliance and dependence on the narcissist to
relieve these negative feelings.
If, after a few conversations with Claire, Mark has uncovered the fact that
she’s had a troubling childhood because of an abusive father, then Mark has
a new set of shiny ammunition which is always available to tap in to
whenever he needs to bring her down a notch or circumvent the defense
mechanisms she has in place to deal with those old feelings. Mark will
continue to gather and download information as he constantly observes
Claire’s behavior and mannerisms throughout their interactions.

What’s fascinating also is that the narcissist is going to be able to do his

dirty work whether or not the victim is alone or with others. That’s because
he knows how to covertly exercise his strategies while in private so that
they resonate even when they are with others whom the victim feels
comfortable around. The narcissist may pull away from the victim in order
to asses how long it will take for her to come back to him of her own free
will, perhaps choosing to be with him instead of over with her group of
friends. This effect will grow gradually over time as he continues to
cultivate a sense of dependency on his victims. Eventually, the victim will
be so attached and confused that her other relationships may fall by the
wayside.

So, we have an idea of the narcissist’s modus operandi when it comes to

one-on-one initial interactions, but how does the narcissist operate in
general? What are some of the common mannerisms and behaviors that
manifest in public or with family? In the next chapter, we will take a look at
some of the ways narcissists behave and interact in various social settings.
 Chapter 5: The Narcissist as a Social Creature

A s we’ve established thus far, the narcissist is basically concerned solely

with himself and his effect on others. It all seems like a game from the
outside as onlookers analyzing the various behaviors and tactics narcissists
employ. But for the narcissist, the reality is that she desperately needs the
attention to cloak a likely very deep foundation of insecurity. This
insecurity may stem from one of a thousand different experiences, but the
root of the narcissist’s drive tends to be a very deep need for constant
admiration and validation, even though they don’t value others in terms of
intellectual capability. One can imagine the narcissist in the middle of a
group at a party sharing knowledge on a given topic. Someone from the
group compliments his thought process and the narcissist looks pleased for
only a moment before scoffing audibly; he probably doesn’t even know
what I’m talking about, etc.
So what are some of the common social behaviors displayed by a
narcissist? Let’s look at several.
The narcissist is often knowledgeable, at least enough to impress himself
and those in his immediate social circles. He may be loud and boisterous in
an effort to show off his intellect, gaining favor from those around him
because he seems like an affable, fun-loving guy. He will know how to
work for a crowd and let them feel involved in the conversation only to
captivate them with some pearl of wisdom or a carefully thought-through
joke. The narcissist will want to maintain the façade of always being
surrounded by friends who love being around him. His company may
change often as he moves from one group to the next, entering and exiting
conversations as he sees fit, always on the prowl for a potential victim who
may be able to help him climb in some way. Underneath this façade is the
fact that the narcissist is going to have very few if any, true friends. Aside
from victims, the narcissist does not see friendship as necessary because he
doesn’t need anything from anyone. No one can offer him anything more
than what he can offer himself over the long term. He refuses to interact
with people who are mostly not as intelligent, and if he finds someone as
intelligent, then he’s going to do everything he can to destroy them or tear
them down in some way. This is how he operates naturally. For whatever
reason, he moves throughout the world on the constant lookout for ways to
bolster himself above others while simultaneously tearing everything else
around him down. Anyone who may initially try to cultivate a friendship
will probably catch on to his superficiality quite quickly. The narcissist will
only be able to fake intimacy for so long and to a certain extent because he
truly does not feel anything for any other people.
In the work setting, the narcissist is going to know exactly who he needs to
please and gain favor with in order to climb the corporate ladder. A skilled
narcissist will know how to employ things like personality mirroring in
order to make himself as amenable as possible to the boss or important
coworker or supervisor. The narcissist is really going to know how to
present himself in order to get themselves close to the people who are going
to help them. But there are some triggers which are going instantly
encourage a defensive or aggressive response, and these would be things to
watch out for if you suspect someone to be a narcissist.
Oftentimes, a narcissist’s stories or sharing of knowledge is going to be
exaggerated or even made up in an effort to make himself look good. If the
accuracy of this knowledge is challenged in any way, it’s going to trigger a
response of superiority and disdain, as if to say, what do you know about
anything? Don’t tell me I’m wrong, you have no idea what you’re talking
about, etc. Even if you confront the narcissist with point blank proof that
their story is incorrect, they will defend themselves and insist that everyone
else is lying or an idiot, etc. There is no end to the denial that a narcissist
may employ to keep from ever admitting fault to any extent in nearly any
situation. They never feel as though they owe anyone an explanation for
their behavior. They will convey that they either believe you don’t deserve
to understand or you are too dumb to understand, etc. It is utterly pointless
to try and argue a differing point of view with a narcissist because he is not
going to respect you or care enough to try seeing things differently from his
own point of view.
Within the family, there are all kinds of additional nuances and character
traits which may stem from various earlier experiences in the narcissist’s
childhood. Let’s look at an example.
Let’s say that Mark was an only child and that he was pretty isolated
throughout his childhood. His parents lavished him with gifts and gave him
what he wanted in terms of money, but they never really spent much time
appreciating who he was as a person or addressing him emotionally.
Everything was about physical performance in sports or academic
performance in school. He would get to go on expensive trips with groups
from school and he would bring home trophies and the family would praise
him and hang up his achievements all over the home, etc. But say he was
struggling with a bully at school or felt sad about something someone said
or felt insecure about some physical feature. His parents may have been
dismissive and unwilling to address his emotional issues and let him wallow
in his emotional pain without any support whatsoever. This could
culminate, over time, in a sense that emotions don’t matter, and since no
one cared about how he felt, he has no desire to care about anyone else’s
feelings either. He may carry a sense of resentment toward his parents for
the rest of his life, but because of the many praises he received for his
academic and physical accomplishments, he also harbors a deep pride and
sense of superiority over others. This is a great recipe for a future narcissist.
Oftentimes, the traits of a narcissist are overlooked by family members out
of fear or simple denial. We know that it is quite common for parents to
overlook the faults of their children, especially if they are a bit egotistical or
even narcissistic themselves. If they are never at fault themselves, there is
no way they could ever have a faulty child, after all. No, their children are
quite perfect!
Overindulging a child in this way is also a good indicator of a future adult
who is going to be overly arrogant and dismissive of others. The point at
which arrogance crosses over into narcissism varies by person but always
stems from foundational experiences, often consistent experiences over a
long period of time, like overindulgent or under-indulgent parents. Only
children are often subjected to feelings of loneliness, and if they are spoiled
by the parents, they may gain a sense of entitlement that carries on into
adulthood, coupled with a broken sense of empathy due to that prolonged
isolation. Unfortunately, research has shown that in nearly 100% of
narcissist cases, the narcissist will never be able to change and somehow
learn how to “undo” the damage which led to their narcissism in the first
place.
 Chapter 6: Narcissism in the Relationship

N ow that we have a basic understanding of the characteristics of the

narcissist and how he/she interacts socially on a broad scale, let’s take
a close look at how a relationship unfolds between a narcissist and an
unsuspecting victim.
We will go back to our example involving Mark and Claire.
At the beginning of a romantic relationship with a narcissist, part of the
scheme is that Mark is going to make Claire feel like she has found a
regular Prince Charming. He will be everything for her and shower her with
love and affection. He will give her everything she needs emotionally, and
everything will seem perfect…for a while. Remember what they say: If it
seems too good to be true, it usually is.
This beginning “honeymoon” phase is essentially the hook that is designed
to get Claire really craving his constant affection. He will give everything to
her that she wants sexually and be everything she needs in every other
respect. Mark will be like a drug, and soon she will become addicted, even
before realizing it. Even the most upstanding, strong, morally conscious,
and intelligent people are still human beings with desires. Skilled narcissists
are going to get under your skin and learn your deepest desires in order to
get their claws into you. Once this happens, you are at their mercy unless
you pick up on the signs and run as fast as you can in the other direction!
But, unfortunately, Claire does not see any of the signs of narcissism
because she has never met a narcissist who was trying to manipulate her.
She never surrounded herself with people who were anything other than
kind and compassionate, just like her. She loves that Mark has shown his
vulnerable side, and he lets her feel like she is helping him through his pain,
giving her a sense that she is giving as well as she is receiving. But over
time, this will slowly fade away and reveal itself to not be the case any
longer.
After a couple of months, perhaps, things will start to shift, as they always
do. The timing will vary based on how the narcissist’s plans are proceeding.
But soon, the once overindulgent boyfriend is going to turn into something
different, but at this point, Claire is madly in love with Mark, and what’s
worse, she trusts him. He starts to employ those emotional and
psychological games which work to gradually tear down her self-esteem
and confidence. He will introduce flaws and problems with her friends and
family and incite arguments between Claire and the people in her life she
loves and values. This will serve to slowly isolate her from those people she
once trusted as she leans more and more on Mark, trusting in what he tells
her because he otherwise gives her what she needs…until he doesn’t.
The emotional games will gradually tear Claire down until she is just a
shadow of her former self. The narcissist may have already employed
gaslighting techniques or just now begin to introduce them as she focuses
on the things that she now perceives are flaws in her character, her body, or
her personality. Every now and then, she will get a glimpse of the Mark she
knew when they’d first met, and this will keep her going for another period
of time. But it will gradually start to dawn on her that things are not what
they seem.
One of the first things victims in his situation might pick up on is the fact
that the narcissist will be careless about consistency and repetitiveness
because they do not care what others think or feel as a result. Mark will not
necessarily value how his behavior in public reflects on Claire and may
openly brag and show off and even flirt with other women right in front of
her. When she goes to confront him about this behavior, he will easily deny
it and tell her she is making things up—another symptom of gaslighting. It
depends on the victim how far this will go. Some people are strung along
for years and years. Eventually, the narcissist will simply disappear and
then reappear sporadically, telling his victim that he is unsure about things
and that he feels insecure about their relationship, perhaps pointing out
things that the victim has done wrong in the relationship that makes him
doubt her commitment, etc. The narcissist will use anything and everything
at this point to inflict pain and make the victim feel like they need to make
up for something they’ve done.
Eventually, the game is going to end, one way or another. Mark will have
gotten bored with Claire and decided to move on. But oftentimes, the
narcissist will not let go for a very long time, even if they are leaving for
long periods of time in between their reappearances. Depending on how
strong their chains have become connected to their victims, the victims will
simply wait and hope and pray until the next time they see their narcissist
partners. The emotional pain and control have run so deep that they do not
feel they can live any other way.
When we think of women in physically abusive relationships, many people
find it too easy to simply pass judgment on the women, suggesting that she
just needs to leave, she just needs to leave… The fact is until you’ve
experienced the kind of emotional abuse and manipulation exercised by an
abusive partner, it is impossible to understand just how much a person can
twist another human being’s reality. Abuse victims often cite how they
simply slipped into a state of denial or were so convinced that they were the
problem in the relationship that they simply tolerated the abuse and blamed
themselves for it happening. It is a sad but true reality. Don’t ever pass
judgment on an abuse victim until you really know what you’re talking
about. And even then, we must all realize that each one of us is very unique
and that we all have different constitutions, strengths, and weaknesses. How
many times have you heard it from someone that, they never thought they’d
be dumb enough to fall for that, etc.
It’s important to not internalize a feeling of being “dumb” if you’ve fallen
victim to narcissistic abuse. The fact is that these people do nothing with
their lives except getting better and better at manipulating and hurting
others. They are professionals, and they are experts. You are not an idiot for
being human and having feelings. You have simply run into someone who
knows exactly how to take advantage of your common human decency and
kindness.
After the cycle of abuse ends and you’ve finally gotten free of the narcissist
relationship, I hope that you can appreciate that you are lucky to have
broken free at all. Many victims are strung along for the rest of their lives
only to die in misery and in isolation without ever having received what
they really needed and wanted from a romantic partner. What a victim goes
through emotionally over the course of a narcissist abuse experience is
harrowing and the effects are long-lasting. In the next chapter, we will talk
about the emotional upheaval of ending a relationship with a narcissist and
the effects of this experience in the long term.
Chapter 7: Effects of Narcissistic Abuse over Time

T he effects of experience with narcissistic abuse can be devastating and

long-lasting. Comorbid conditions like depression and anxiety are
common after going through a period of emotional manipulation and may
leave the victim with trust issues and anxieties that last the rest of their
lives.
The signs of depression can vary from person to person, but the emotional
turmoil caused by narcissistic abuse can trigger depression in people who
have never experienced depression before in their lives. As a result of
techniques like gaslighting, a person may begin to internalize a completely
false reality about themselves, believing themselves to be flawed
fundamentally, undeserving of love, and selfish. The narcissist understands
that the more he can make a victim feel like they are doing something
wrong, the more he can convince them to do things to correct the error or
make up for what they’ve done. This is especially thrilling because the
narcissist realizes that the victim has not actually done anything wrong; he’s
just that good at manipulation. It is really a matter of getting a notch on the
belt for someone like the narcissist, and the effects on the victim do not
garner any guilt or shame from him.
Depression manifests in a prolonged emotional state of hopelessness or
helplessness. Many sufferers hear voices in their heads that constantly tell
them they are worthless or stupid or that they are not enough. This voice
may manifest as the narcissist’s voice himself in a victim of narcissistic
abuse. The voice may be persistent for days on end, especially at night
when relaxation becomes impossible.
Anxiety is another possible aftereffect of narcissist abuse and especially
common in instances where there is a history of physical abuse as well. The
anxiety will often stem from the creation of doubt and destruction of self-
esteem that goes along with narcissistic abuse. A once confident person
may let down their guard just long enough for the narcissist to poke their
head in and plant an idea about how that failed relationship was their fault,
or they are really too fat to be wearing that, or that supervisor at work
probably doesn’t think you’re good enough, etc. Whatever a narcissist can
sink their teeth into, they will do it.
Towards the end of the abuse cycle, the victim may finally start to see the
light and attempt to get as far away from the perpetrator as possible. This
may or may not be successful, depending on what else the narcissist has
going on at the time. He may have already found someone else to
concentrate on, so you may find some peace and quiet, at least until they get
bored and come find you again. Other times, the narcissist may completely
disappear from your life without a trace and you may never hear from him
again. This may initially feel tragic, as you’ve still got to deal with the
emotional attachment that was cultivated. But soon, you will start to realize
that you are a survivor of an abuser and you are lucky to be free.
One technique many abuse victims utilize after an experience like this is
therapy, either in a group setting or a one-on-one setting. It can be very
helpful to talk to others who have been through a similar situation and it is
important to be able to ground yourself in the truth that you were not stupid
or immoral or bad or not enough; you were manipulated, just like the others
in your group. Talking to these individuals may go a long way in finding
yourself again after a long and dreadful experience of narcissistic abuse.
There are several typical emotions and cycles of thought that victims of
narcissistic abuse experience immediately following the end of the
relationship. The victim is usually quite tired and worn out, and this may
last weeks or even months. Emotional exertion takes a toll just like muscle
exertion. It will take time to recover and heal from this stress. You may feel
disgusted with yourself for having fallen victim to something like this. As
I’ve stressed before, it is very important that you try to talk to someone or
wrap your mind around the reality that you are not at fault. You are not
stupid. Someone who is an expert at emotional manipulation with zero
sense of remorse has taken complete advantage of you and your pain.
It is common for the victim to go through feelings of guilt and shame. Let
these feelings run their course, but again, it is important to put yourself in
an environment which supports the truth that you have survived an ordeal,
not committed a horrendous crime.
Panic attacks and anxiety may go hand-in-hand for a while after the abuse.
Some people get out without experiencing symptoms like this, but others
will need to address the issue through talk therapy and/or drug therapy.
You will feel a big blow to your self-esteem, and this may take some time to
build back up again. Try to surround yourself with people who love you and
who care for you. You will likely go through all kinds of emotional fallout,
and it is good to let it out when you need to. You may feel like crying or
screaming or releasing your emotions in some other way. Perhaps, you may
find it helpful to join a gym and go punch a punching bag for an hour.
Whatever you need to do, try to express and release that emotion rather than
bottling it up inside of you. This will only make the eventual release much
worse and may even cause toxicity and additional emotional and
psychological turmoil.
It will be natural to have a desire to think things through and figure him out.
But it is important that you not exert too much effort on this, because the
actions of a narcissist are contradictory, unreasonable, and sporadic.
Narcissists do whatever they need to do to make themselves feel good at the
time. If the next day they need to make a 180 and do something different,
they aren’t going to care whether or not it makes sense to you; they’ll just
do it. Don’t try to figure them out. They’re not worth it. And what’s much
more important; do not put yourself through the ordeal of thinking you can
be an amazing enough influence that you can change them and make them
not narcissistic anymore. I promise you, this is a waste of time. And likely
they are going to use this as just another opportunity to manipulate you in
some way. Believe me, cut your losses and move on. Don’t ever look back.
You may feel tempted from time to time to try and hunt this person down
again. Maybe you want to tell them what they really did to you or try and
explain to them what they’ve done wrong in an effort to gain some kind of
affection or hint of the things they once showed you at the beginning of the
relationship. It is so important that you realize that it was all an act—a
complete façade. You must let these things go and move forward. And don’t
convince yourself that all men are awful and not worth the trouble.
Relationships are always going to present unique difficulties, but I promise
you that it is possible to find a partner who is respectful, loving, and who
shares interests with you. Don’t give up.
In the next chapter, we will discuss some tips for dealing with a narcissist in
your life. Perhaps, this individual is a member of your family or someone
who is simply not going away any time soon. There are ways you can
compromise and deal with their existence in your life.
 Chapter 8: Advice for Dealing with a Narcissist
and the Aftermath of Abuse

B efore we address some advice for dealing with a narcissist and the
aftermath of abuse, it is important that we outline some of the key
indicators that you are indeed suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome.
The first and foremost signal to yourself that you are suffering from dealing
with a narcissist in a toxic relationship is the persistent feeling that you are
alone. If you come home each day and see your boyfriend, eat meals with
your boyfriend, sit in front of a TV with your boyfriend, then go to bed next
to a boyfriend, but still feel like you’ve spent the whole day alone, it’s
because you might be dealing with a narcissist who is only presenting to
you a mirage of the relationship you thought you were living. There is an
absence of feeling underneath the actions that leave you feeling lost,
confused, and very lonely. If you feel this constantly and are unsure of
where the feeling came from, this may be a sign of narcissistic abuse
syndrome.
If you are constantly struggling with the feeling that you are just not good
enough for anyone, especially your boyfriend/partner, then you may be
suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome. Narcissists are very good at
tearing down their victims’ self-esteem and convincing them through both
subtle and not-so-subtle strategies that they are messing things up,
constantly making mistakes, etc. They may make fun of you and laugh at
you or mock you and make you feel small. This abuse leads you to believe
that you are worthless and that you would never be good enough for
anything you want to accomplish in life.
You may feel suffocated by the relationship itself as your narcissist partner
attempts to hijack your personal life and everything that existed before
he/she entered your life. It is a trademark strategy of exercising control to
isolate the victim from those he/she once trusted and loved. It is the
narcissist’s goal to make him/herself the only person you lean on for
anything kind of support.
Another sign of narcissistic abuse syndrome is the realization that you’ve
become a different person in terms of belief systems, morals, principles, or
other characteristics which were once at the core of who you are. If your
partner has managed to change these essential things about you and they
don’t seem right, it is a sign that you’ve got some toxic forces at work doing
everything they can to make you into a different person that serves the
purposes of only the narcissist.
Narcissists often utilize outright name-calling in an effort to belittle and
gradually break down a victim’s sense of self-worth. This practice may not
be overt in the beginning, but instead, be framed as a kind of joke and
kidding by the narcissist. He may say while giggling, “You’re just
overreacting because you’re too sensitive.” Comments like these may seem
innocent at first, but over time with persistent use, these things can be
internalized by the victim until the accusations became a reality for them.
They may start to believe these things which at first they didn’t feel were
affecting them in any damaging way.
Finally, the cycle of something called “hurt and rescue” can take such a toll
on a victim as to lead to life-long emotional anxieties and struggles. With
this technique, the narcissist introduces stress through an event or an
argument or an accusation and then gives the victim the silent treatment for
a certain amount of time. They may use a tactic other than the silent
treatment, but whatever they choose to do, the object is to relieve that stress
or silence it for an amount of time. The silent treatment, when used in this
way, triggers a fear of abandonment that is innate in pretty much every
human being out there. This makes it an inescapable strategy to induce
pain, as long as the victim feels attachment and emotion for the perpetrator.
The rescue stage entails the perpetrator coming back and relieving that fear
of abandonment, but now, the victim has learned to be afraid whenever the
cycle starts again, anticipating that period of staged abandonment, or
silence.
Over time, this technique becomes a powerful strategy for control and
manipulating behaviors because the feelings associated with abandonment
can be so strong and hurtful. Each one of us is hardwired to crave attention,
love, and affection, so when someone offers this then abruptly takes it away,
we learn to do whatever we need to do to avoid having that attachment
leave us again, even if it means apologizing for something we didn’t even
do, much to the narcissist’s delight.
When you feel sure you are dealing with a narcissist in a romantic
relationship, you need to seek support in getting out and away as soon as
possible. Educate yourself on the tactics used by narcissists to keep that
feeling of attachment in you and do everything you can to resist it and break
free. Remind yourself again and again that it’s all been an act and nothing
you were feeling attached to is real.
If you are dealing with a narcissist who is not a romantic partner but still an
unavoidable part of your life, your best defense is going to be constant
awareness and alertness to any schemes and manipulation the narcissist
may be trying to employ on you. It would be unwise to start an all-out war
on the narcissist since his whole being is centered on crushing others and he
will surely be able to invest more time and emotional energy into hurting
you than you will in hurting him. Besides, you’re not that kind of person!
Even though you may feel anger, letting your guard down and losing
control is exactly what the narcissist wants you to do, so do not give him
the satisfaction.
As always, strength in numbers is a good rule of thumb to follow. If you are
feeling vulnerable or susceptible to a narcissist in your purview, recruit
others to support you and help form a barrier. Let the narcissist know that
you are too smart to fall for his schemes and that you are not going to give
an inch. Create a thick skin around yourself and prepare for some
demeaning insults designed to rile you up. You don’t have to give in to
these. Form your support group and move on with your life. When the
narcissist sees that you’ve all but become immune to his charms, he will
look elsewhere and leave you alone. Be on the lookout for others whom he
may be targeting and be sure to let them know what’s going on if you think
they are also in danger. This will probably trigger a defensive response, but
the key is to maintain your composure and remind yourself of your reality
and your standing. Don’t buy into the narcissist portraying himself as more
than what he is. Inside, he is just an insecure little boy trying to validate
himself through other people’s praises. He does not have power over you or
those you love. You are stronger than this person because you know the
strength and power of genuine love and affection.
In our final chapter, we will discuss some advice and tips for those who
have gone through the abuse from a narcissist and are on the journey
towards recovery. We will also discuss how you can arm yourself against
future narcissist abuse. As always, I encourage you to educate yourself as
much as possible about the narcissist and his various schemes. Knowledge,
after all, is power.
 Chapter 9: Recovery

I believe strongly in the power of self-healing, and I believe that any

degree of emotional pain can be addressed through self-care and healing
practices over time. It may be a long road and will certainly not be easy, but
with proper support and belief in yourself, it is possible to move past the
experience of narcissistic abuse to a large degree. You may not be able to
erase the effects entirely, but it is possible to move and live a healthy,
productive, and emotionally stable life after even the most damaging of
emotional experiences. This is because the human brain has an incredible
capacity to rewire itself and relearn how to live and love through healthy
habits and new thought cycles that will take the place of the old, destructive
thought cycles.
First of all, grab an old journal or buy yourself a nice new one. Many
survivors of abuse can attest to the power of simply writing out and
processing your feelings through words. There may be many aspects of
your experience with narcissistic abuse that you have yet to really address
or wrap your mind around. Remember, the key here is not to focus on
figuring out or working out the mental manipulations of your abuser. The
focus here should be on working through the feelings you experienced and
then work to disentangle those negative feelings from the thought cycles
feeding them. For example, you may have heard your abuser constantly
accusing you of being too fat or too skinny. Write about how this made you
feel, then reinforce the fact that there is nothing wrong with your body and
that this was just one of many tools your abuser used to break you down.
Letting these feelings bring you pain over and over is simply a type of
surrender to your abuser. Replace these negative thoughts with positive,
affirming thoughts about your beautiful body and what it has done for you.
Expressions of gratitude can also go a long way to dispel feelings of
worthlessness and emptiness. Again, it won’t dispel all of your negative
feelings right away. Forming positive habits of thoughts takes time, but it is
well worth it. Don’t let the incessant negativity from your past relationship
dominate your future thoughts.
Another way to help you process and move through negative emotion to
release this energy is through physical exercise or contemplative movement
therapy, like yoga. There are many yoga practices designed specifically to
help you move your thoughts through negative emotions into a more
positive space. Cultivating a healthy body leads naturally to encouraging a
healthy mind and thought habits.
Don’t be afraid to lean on support sources. It is going to be very important,
especially in the first few weeks or months following a traumatic emotional
experience, to be able to lean on others for support. Perhaps, your
experience with narcissist abuse has left you alienated from friends and/or
family. Now is the time to reconnect with those loved ones. Don’t be afraid.
They are probably going to be so excited to have you back they won’t even
press you for details. Simply accept their support and love and lean on it
when you need to. When you are ready, ask if you can discuss some of the
details of your abuse as a way to process and move through them.
Educating yourself about narcissists and their tactics is going to be very
important as you want to arm yourself against future abusers. If you feel
you were too quick to trust in your last relationship, you may need to
practice setting up barriers and waiting for people to prove to you that they
are trustworthy. This may be difficult for those people who are naturally
generous and giving of themselves emotionally. This can be a wonderful
and amazing trait, but it is important to realize that not everyone you meet
is going to have good intentions. Hopefully, you never have to meet another
narcissist again. But if one should cross your path, it won’t hurt to have
educated yourself about how exactly to spot one and move away from that
influence.
One of the most important things you can do on your path to recovery to
ensure your success is to forgive yourself and let go of those feelings of
guilt and shame. It won’t be easy to simply dismiss these feelings,
especially if you’ve spent months or years listening to someone tell you
you’re not good enough or not smart or flawed in some way. This is going
to take time to move away from, but it is important to make a daily habit of
verbally or internally reaffirming that you are a survivor of narcissistic
abuse and that you were strong enough to pull away.
Meditation can be a very helpful tool throughout this process. Begin by
sitting comfortably in a space that is quiet and free of distraction. Practice
breathing slowly and taking deep breaths each time you breathe in. Focus
on your body in space and feel each part of your body as you breathe. There
are several guided meditations available online for you to peruse if you so
desire, or you may choose to come up with your own little mantra.
Whatever you decide to do, try to make some time each and every day to
focus in on your affirmation. Repeat the words to yourself slowly, over and
over. Tell yourself that you love yourself, that you forgive yourself, that you
are enough, that you are loved, that you are strong. Simply saying these
words to yourself will begin to break the toxic habit and thought cycles that
once plagued your mind and triggered anxiety. Eventually, you will come to
a place where those negative feelings are no longer connected to the
obsessive thoughts that intruded on your mind. As you practice replacing
these bad thoughts with positive ones, it will become habitual and begin to
feel more natural. Meditation can be kind of strange for first-time
practitioners, but I encourage you to give it a try if you are struggling to
move past those negative obsessive thought cycles.
Finally, do what you can to cultivate a regular sleep schedule where you get
at least 8 hours of sleep. Setting aside some time at night before bedtime for
meditation may be a great way to help your brain settle down and prepare
for rest. Try to go to bed at the same time every night and do something
calming right before. Try not to eat and snack on junk food late at night as
this will keep you up longer and may disrupt your sleep.
Know that you are strong enough to move past this horrific ordeal and that
you are not alone in your experience. Re-learn to love and take care of
yourself and reaffirm each day that you are worth the effort of recovery.
Steel yourself should your abuser ever re-enter your life for any reason.
Enforce strict boundaries and enforce a rule of no contact whatsoever. Do
not answer phone calls, texts, anything. He is not worth it, and there is
nothing positive that he can offer you. You have risen above that influence.

Conclusion
T hank you for making it through to the end of Narcissistic Abuse.
Let’s hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the
tools you need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.
The next step is to share what you have learned with anyone else in your
life or your family’s and friends’ lives who you think may benefit from the
information on narcissistic abuse offered in this book. As I’ve said many
times throughout this text, the most important weapon you have against
narcissistic abusers is knowledge and learning how to spot them before they
have a chance to harm you. If you or someone you love has experienced
narcissistic abuse firsthand, I hope that the information and advice in this
book have offered some degree of comfort and help as you move forward
past this awful experience. People suffer each and every day at the hands of
narcissistic abusers, and it is more important now than ever before that we
all help spread the knowledge and tools available to defend ourselves from
potential abusers. It is possible to escape, even if you’ve already fallen
victim. Don’t underestimate the power of the human mind to overcome
even the most hurtful of emotional experiences. As you wake up each
morning and take steps toward recovery each day, I hope you remember the
encouragement and the tips offered in this book. Also, don’t be afraid to get
creative and realize new ways that are personally helpful that you may be
able to share with others who may share in your unique experience. There
are many different ways survivors can choose from on their paths to
recovery. The key is to believe in yourself and trust in your instincts and gut
feelings fueling you forward and past any and all symptoms of narcissistic
abuse.
 Gaslighting
The Narcissist's favorite tool of
Manipulation
How to Avoid the Gaslight Effect and Recover from
Emotional and Narcissistic Abuse

Dr. Theresa J. Covert

 Introduction
S arah was a hardworking mother of two boys who decided two
months ago that she would quit her day job to start what she
cared about; writing her novels.
Recently, her husband, James, has been acting up and complaining
that she has not been giving him and their two boys much attention.
She was on her way out to the grocery store earlier today when she
noted that her car keys were not on the counter where she always
leaves them and decided to ask James about them.
James told Sarah she had put the keys in their bedroom the
previous day.
Sarah questioned herself and wondered how on earth she had taken
the car keys into the bedroom...”
Has anyone ever told you something that made you doubt your senses?
Well, there are chances that you have been a victim of GASLIGHTING.
Gaslighting, as a term in today’s world, isn't what it used to be in the past.
Imagine that you were taken back in time to the year 1900, if you picked up
a book titled “Gaslighting,” you might be doing so to gain knowledge about
gas lights which were popular building features powered by gas at that time.
However, “Gaslighting” now refers to a manipulative psychological tactic
employed to make someone doubt their sanity. A manipulator tries to get
someone to question their reality and perceptions.
Gaslighting occurs in personal relationships, professional relationships, and
in some other cases, gaslighting is used by public figures to alter the
perceptions of targeted members of the population.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse as it can make you start to
doubt your ability to perceive reality correctly. It can make you think you
didn't see what you thought you saw or hear what you thought you heard;
you start to wonder if you can trust the information you are getting from
your five senses. Moreover, this, in turn, will make you begin to think that
there must be something wrong with you, and you begin to doubt your
sanity.
It doesn't matter whether it is happening in a personal relationship (parent to
child, between romantic partners) or a professional relationship at work or
even between members of the same community. Gaslighting creates an
abusive situation which can cause serious health problems if the victim
continues to be in such a position for a long time.
This book does not exclude from its aims the promotion of general
awareness of gaslighting as a manipulative tool that can destroy the
physical and mental health of individuals. However, it’s first aim is that of
providing information on how you can understand what gaslighting is
precisely and how you can recognize it in your relationships.
No matter whether it occurs in a personal relationship or a working
relationship, between a public figure and the members of the public or
somewhere else, it’s essential to be aware of the signs that you or someone
you know might be a victim of gaslighting, as this awareness is the first step
to getting out of the negative situation.
The first step to take towards being free from gaslighting is to recognize
exactly what gaslighting is as it is often so hard to recognize the signs of
gaslighting because the techniques used in gaslighting affect the mind so
much that after a long period the victim doesn’t even trust their own
thoughts.
This book discusses in detail how to distinguish gaslighting behavior from
typical behavior by shedding light on the different kinds of gaslighting
techniques. And it also aims at providing information about what to do if
you find yourself a victim of such a negative situation.
Narcissists are self-centered and arrogant people who lack empathy for
others. They live in their own world and believe they are unique and
special. Hence, they always seek attention and praise from others.
These groups of people only seek to serve their own needs and won't mind
using people as a means for their ends. They don’t even think about how
their behavior affects others, and this is why they find it so easy to use
gaslighting techniques in their relationships.
A narcissist will frequently use gaslighting, as a narcissist’s goal is to
disorient the victim to gain total control over them. A narcissist achieves
this by gradually sowing seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind, and in the
end, the narcissist controls the victim to do their bidding.
Apart from promoting awareness about gaslighting, this book is written
with a more concise aim of exposing the extent to which narcissists as
people use gaslighting as a means of manipulation. It is one thing to
recognize what gaslighting is, and it is another to know how narcissists
operate with it. It is also entirely a different thing to uncover the effects and
how to guard yourself against the effects or better still avoid the effects in
the first place.
The chapters to come reveal how narcissists seek to control and abuse
victims physically and mentally; it exposes the words they say and the
actions they take to abuse victims. Also in the chapters to come the harmful
effects of gaslighting, empowering strategies for how to disarm narcissists
and deal with gaslighting will be discussed to a broader extent.
 Chapter 1 - Gaslighting:
The Narcissist's Favorite Tool for Manipulation

W hat is this thing called gaslighting? How did it come to be the favorite
tool of manipulation for a narcissist?
These questions and many more other questions might have come to your
mind as you turned to this page, and to understand what gaslighting is, and
how it became a favorite tool in a narcissist’s tool bag, it is necessary to
consider how gaslighting came to be a term.
The term “gaslighting” as a form of emotional abuse came into popular
consciousness in a 1938 thriller play written by the British playwright
Patrick Hamilton, “Gas Light.” The play premiered in London and was
adapted later into a movie in 1944. The film was about a husband who tried
to convince his wife that she was mentally unstable; his ultimate end was to
send her away to a mental asylum so that he could steal her inheritance.
In the movie, the abusive husband, Gregory Anton (depicted by Charles
Boyer) manipulates Paula (depicted by Ingrid Bergman) into making her
think that she has gone mad. He makes her believe that she is a
kleptomaniac without realizing she is, and that she is hearing noises that
aren’t being heard by any other person.
Paula sees the gas lights around the house dimming at times and
brightening at other times for no reason. Unbeknownst to her it was
Gregory who was switching the lights on and off to create the impression
that she did not see the lights as they were. He was manipulating her belief
in her reality.
At a point in the movie, Paula begins to question her reality and thinks she
is going crazy through her perception of the gas lights. Gregory’s action
with the gas lights was one way of how he manipulated her perception of
reality.
The movie is a historical reference to the term “Gaslighting” and not all
real-life situations are due to a manipulator trying to steal a victim’s
inheritance.
Real-life gaslighting situations, however, have something in common with
what was portrayed in the movie. In “Gaslighting” situations, the goal is to
isolate and brainwash the victim to control the victim’s version of reality.
Gaslighting happens in several ways in real-life situations; it happens in
personal relationships like marriage and friendships; an example is a father
always disapproving of his son’s decisions to the extent that the son
questions decisions he suspects his father would not agree with. The father
may want to control every decision made by his son consciously or
unconsciously, but he might be gaslighting the son into doubting his own
choices.
Another example of gaslighting in personal relationships is that of a spouse
who continually humiliates their partner and demands attention from them
while putting them down if they refuse to consider them.
Gaslighting also occurs in professional work relationships; a manipulative
boss can try to change an employee’s perceptions and say things to hurt the
employee. A worker can try to bring a subordinate or a coworker down with
harmful and destructive words.
Gaslighting happens in television commercial advertisements: a product is
advertised, and it leaves you with the feeling that something is wrong with
your memory or you are going crazy, and the only way out is for you to buy
the product and use it. Public figures, who have a cult-like following, might
use their leadership status to mislead the public.
So, what does the term gaslighting mean? "Gaslighting" can be thought of
as a verb; we can use it to describe an abusive behavior or action. To be
specific, it refers to the behaviors and actions by which a manipulator uses
information in such a way as to make a victim question their sanity.
Psychologists define “gaslighting” as a specific type of manipulation where
the manipulator tries to get someone else (or a group of people in some
cases) to question their reality, memory or perceptions.
Gaslighting is an attempt at convincing a person of something being true by
forcefully asserting it or making up flimsy evidence, blatantly denying that
one has said something one has said.
It is manipulating another’s physical environment to make the person doubt
their perceptions or memories about their physical situation. It is
intentionally isolating another person from external sources of valid
information.
You might come to ask at this point how gaslighting became a favorite tool
for narcissists; gaslighting can be intentional sometimes, making someone
doubt their memories or perception of reality, to defer to the abuser’s
account of what reality is. It can be used intentionally to gain authority over
a victim’s life. Narcissists are known as control freaks, and gaslighting is of
no surprise a tool they use in controlling the lives of others.
A narcissist is anyone who suffers from Narcissism Personality Disorder
(NPD). The cause of this disorder is not known, but psychologists link NPD
to the environment, genetics and neurobiology.
It is essential to understand the behavior of individuals who suffer from
NPD because we don’t know what a narcissist looks like, the behavior of
these individuals is what points them out as narcissists.
A narcissist can be said to be someone who exhibits more than one of the
following behavior pattern:
Constant Need for Attention and Validation
Someone who shows a continuous need for attention might be a narcissist,
it might be by physically being all over you or constantly saying words to
demand your attention. Narcissists can’t self-validate, and so they
continuously look for other people to approve of them and no matter what
others say to validate them, they never feel it is enough, and will always
want more. No matter how much you say “I love you” or “I admire you” to
a narcissist, they never feel it is enough. They continually attempt to evoke
recognition and endorsement from others to support their delicate self-
image, but regardless of the amount they are given, they always need more.
Demand for Control all the Time
Narcissists will demand that you say and do precisely what they have in
mind so that they can achieve their ideal goals. A narcissist sees you
internally as a character in their own script, not a genuine individual with
your own thoughts and sentiments.
When you don't behave as a narcissist expects you to behave, they become
very disturbed because they don’t know what to expect from you next as
you are now operating outside of their scripts.
The need for control stems out of the narcissist’s ideals. Narcissists don’t
want to believe life is imperfect and they want to control and mold life into
what they envision, so they always want to be in control of everything.
Entitlement
The narcissist sees themselves at the top of the world with everyone
beneath their feet. In their heads, they are entitled to the best, and they have
to be the best, the richest, the greatest and so on.
By being entitled, they don’t see the world for what it is; they see the world
in binary, either good or bad, and they are either superior or inferior beings.
They feel everything must be done their way and they must own and control
everyone.

Perfectionism
Is there anyone in your life who believes everything should be perfect and
is dissatisfied continuously when life doesn’t play out the way they
envisioned it?
The narcissist has an extremely high need for everything to be perfect. They
believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen
exactly as they expected. This is an excruciatingly impossible demand,
which results in the narcissist feeling dissatisfied and miserable much of the
time.
Refusing Responsibility
At the point when things don't go as planned, the narcissist blames all faults
on others. It must always be another person's deficiency and not theirs. To
keep up the façade of flawlessness, narcissists consistently need to accuse
some other person or a thing.
Absence of empathy
Narcissists have next to no capacity of empathizing with others. They are
too self-absorbed to comprehend what other individuals are feeling. They
are also rarely apologetic, remorseful, or guilty.
Narcissists likewise come up short on a comprehension about the idea of
emotions. They don't see how their feelings happen. They think their
emotions are brought about by a person or thing outside of themselves.
They don't understand that their emotions are brought about by their very
own natural chemistry and thought patterns. This absence of sympathy
makes genuine relationships with narcissists very difficult. They simply
don't see what any other individuals are feeling.
Invulnerability
Narcissists are quick to jump from one relationship to the next because they
desperately want someone to identify with them and feel their pains but are
not willing to respond to the feelings of the other person.
The reason for this is that it takes a little vulnerability to keep relationships.
Relationships are all about caring and sharing, because of the narcissist’s
inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy, and constant need for
self-security, narcissists can’t genuinely love or connect on an emotional
level with other people. They cannot see the world from anyone else’s
perspective.
Inability to work as part of a team.
Being insightful and cooperating with other people requires a genuine
comprehension of other's feelings. A narcissist can’t genuinely understand
other peoples’ feelings and won't give anything up for the benefit of others.
Narcissists are also compulsive liars who will go to great lengths to gain
power and control over others. The willingness to do anything just to
control the actions of others makes gaslighting easy for them to use, and
since gaslighting is lying with a goal, the goal of the narcissist is to gain
control over the action of another.
Narcissists will use shame and confusion to isolate victims. The narcissist’s
goal is often to make the target entirely dependent on them alone, and in a
bid to control the victim they will incite fear with words and actions that
will make the victim withdraw from loved ones. This withdrawal from
loved ones makes it easy for narcissists to abuse victims even more as there
is no third-party present to rescue the victims.
Narcissists have a compulsive need to be perfect people at all times, so
gaslighting comes in handy in making other peoples’ perception of an event
a wrong one and to show and convince others that they are right at all time.
In going to great lengths and doing anything to get their object of desire,
narcissists often step on others. Moreover, when they are confronted for
their misdoings, they resolve to tactics to minimize or erase what they have
done and won’t hesitate to abuse people to get to this end, making people
think that how they feel about having their toes stepped on is totally
unimportant.
This is another form of abuse in itself as narcissists may use gaslighting to
fabricate conversations and events that never happened.
Healthy people display noble acts of selflessness from time to time, but
since the world revolves around narcissists, they are always about their
feelings and needs, so they employ tactics to dismiss the feelings and needs
of others.
Narcissists also love to evade responsibility, and they renege on agreements
or promises they have previously made.
Master manipulators like narcissists can play on people’s emotions; they
play the victim to evoke sympathy, love, and support for themselves from
others. They won’t hesitate to use gaslighting to present themselves as
persons in pain to sap the feelings of others.
Gaslighting over time effectively disconnects the victim from themselves,
their feelings, and their ability to decide and know what they want for
themselves.
As gaslighting progress, the victim of abuse will often second-guess their
thoughts. Doubting their thoughts may put them on the defensive and
prevent them from criticizing the narcissist’s behavior. This self-doubt can
give the narcissist more opportunity to manipulate the victim.
Eventually, gaslighting strips the victim of self-identity, the very core of the
victim and leaves them feeling dependent on the narcissist, so the narcissist
takes control of their lives and provides approval for them about what
reality is.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s happening in a marriage, or at work or
somewhere else, it is vital to be aware of the signs that you (or someone
you know) might be a victim. This awareness is the first step to getting out
of this abusive situation.
Gaslighting can cause long-term negative effects on the victim’s
psychological health, and it takes specialized help to restore the victim’s
balanced sense of self. Gaslighting only works when the victims are not
aware of what is happening, but once they catch what is happening, they
can take proactive steps to produce lasting changes.
To effect long-lasting changes, however, doesn’t come easy. In a childhood
memoir titled An Abbreviated Life, Ariel Leve tells of how she grew up
on the Upper West Side of New York City with a narcissistic mother who
lived a very privileged life. Ariel tells of how her mother partied with Andy
Warhol and some other prominent personalities of that era, picked physical
fights with her boyfriends and yelled at her and always called her “an
ungrateful child.” She wrote of the horrible abuses she went through as a
child and how her childhood was filled with loneliness, chaos, and fear. In
interviews about her childhood memoir, Ariel always comments about how
hard it was for her to get over memories of the abuse and how her mother
consistently denied that it took place, a fact she would always talk about in
interviews about her memoirs as “an erasure of the abuse which was even
worse than the abuse itself”.
It is essential to realize that anyone and any relationship can be a victim of
gaslighting, though it is easier to notice gaslighting in romantic
relationships because the end goal is often to gain control.
In the end, narcissists often get what they want, and in relating with people
at work or in the community, it might be hard to detect gaslighting because
for the most part in these situations the goal might not only be to control, it
might be other things, money as an example.
The adverse effects of gaslighting can linger on in the victim’s mind for a
long time, but it is possible to recognize gaslighting at an early stage and
avoid the consequences of this form of abuse, which is the subject of the
next chapter.
 Chapter 2 – What Is Gaslighting? | How to Avoid
Mental Manipulation
T he preceding chapter presented gaslighting as a form of manipulation
that seeks to sow the seeds of doubt into a targeted individual’s mind,
and as a form of manipulation that makes the victim question their memory,
perception, and sanity.
By misdirecting victims, saying contradictory words and lying, gaslighting
is done in subtle ways so that the victims don’t realize what is being done to
them, as they are persistently denied of what is real.
Gaslighting is an attempt to destabilize a victim to gain total control over
them, and we have already established it as a favorite tool for manipulators
like narcissists who are control freaks.
Narcissists use gaslighting as a psychological manipulation technique for
their benefit, by deliberately trying to alter other people’s perception of
reality, creating an imbalance of power and exploiting victims to serve their
purposes.
Some signs and symptoms reveal that you (or someone you know) are
manipulated with gaslighting. I would like you to take a minute to ask
yourself if any of these scenarios are right for you or someone you know.
You find yourself withholding valuable information from your
friends, and family, so they don’t have a clue of what’s going on
with you or you make excuses for what’s going on with you.
You feel something is not right with you as you are always being
criticized by your partner/boss/friend/co-worker or parent.
You have been wondering of late if you are good enough as a
girlfriend/wife/employee /son/daughter/parent/because your
boyfriend/girlfriend/boss/father/mother/husband/co-worker
continually puts you down.
You feel like someone is sucking the joy out of your life.
You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You feel crazy and confused.
You are always told by a spouse/boss/parent/co-worker that you are
too sensitive, and something is wrong with you.
You are misremembering things of late.
 You are continually saying sorry for things as you don’t trust what
you think again.
There might be a chance you (or someone you know) are caught in a
gaslighting situation if any of these things seem to be happening to you. If
you find more than three of these scenarios valid for you, then it is time for
you to take a step back and assess your situation. It is time to evaluate all
your relationships, both personal and professional.
Mental manipulation can have damaging effects on victims. You must have
noticed a particular person you relate with seemed to get whatever they
want, whenever they want it. Have you looked at this person with
admiration, and yet, with a bit of disgust because you feel they didn’t get
the things they got in the right way?
All things considered, if you felt like they were exploiting you or other
people, you are most likely right because narcissists are master
manipulators who seek to control people at work, life, and relationships.
It is hard to spot the ways that someone might be using others for their own
advantage, but there are ways to recognize it and even stop it before it
happens. Mental manipulation allows abusers to take from others for their
own benefit as it works in a way to make victims lose control of their minds
and become vulnerable to the will of the abuser.
If you recognize a pattern of certain kinds of anomaly in your relationships,
and you are starting to see ways in which you are being manipulated into
doubting what your reality is, then it's about time you take proactive steps
to avoid further mental manipulation and emotional abuse because
ultimately you might step down into a state of utter depression if you decide
not to do anything about your situation.
So how do you avoid the mental manipulation and emotional abuse caused
by gaslighting?
1. You have to develop an unwavering belief in your intuition.
It can be really challenging for someone who has been under the control of
a narcissist to start listening to their intuition; this is because the narcissist
has been telling them not to believe their intuition for some time.
Sitting in silence for a set portion of time in a day practicing meditation can
help to silence the mind and still the body so that the truth of the situation
can be sought out. By taking deep breaths, you'd come to see how a
narcissist has been gaslighting you and as time passes your intuition will
come alive much more, and you will start trusting it.
When you listen to yourself and your feelings, and you feel self-doubt or
confusion lurking around inside you, question why exactly you feel that
way. Pay attention to the actions and words of the people you relate with
daily. Then you will be able to notice the inconsistencies in their words and
actions. It is necessary to develop an unwavering belief in your intuition as
trusting your gut will help you to understand and be aware of what is going
on around you.

2. You have to know your fundamental human rights

As long as you are not causing harm to others, you have the right to stand
up for yourself. Some of our fundamental human rights as humans are the
rights to:
Express our feelings and opinions;
Be treated with respect;
Set our goals and determine our priorities; and
Create our own healthy and happy lives, among others.
Of course, society is full of people who do not respect these fundamental
human rights. Psychological manipulators such as narcissists, in particular,
want to deprive people of their rights so they can control and take
advantage of them but when you know your rights, you will have every
right to declare that it is you, who’s in charge of your life and not anyone
else.
Be assertive for yourself. Start by choosing to stop responding to words and
actions the way you did before, speak up, and don’t be afraid to say no to
things or people that seek to manipulate you.

3. You have to let go of self-blame

The narcissist’s agenda is to look for ways to make you think you are crazy
so that they can have their way and when you realize that you are caught up
in a gaslighting situation, it is understandable that you may feel non-worthy,
or even blame yourself for not satisfying the narcissist.
Understand that you are not a problem. If you have realized you are being
manipulated, that is no fault of yours in any way. Be aware that you did
nothing wrong to cause it and that it is the other person that has their
problems. However, don’t let this lead to self-pity and self-blame.
In situations like these, it’s important to remember that you are not the
problem; you’re being manipulated to feel that you are insane so that you
surrender your power and rights. Self-blame can lead to more problems and
give the narcissist an edge in the situation to abuse you more.

4. You can keep your distance

You have to understand that when you're in a situation with someone who is
gaslighting you, you're never going to be able to convince them of your
view of things. It is best that you escape with your brain intact and be
willing to move on with your own life. Allow yourself to escape this
situation with your sanity intact. A narcissistic person won't change, so it is
best to keep your distance if you can.
Emotional abuse that occurs in personal relationships can be much harder to
avoid. Think about your relationship with the other person. Maybe you
want to speak with friends about how you feel, or perhaps you want to
confront the person. Consider all the options and do what is okay for you.
You can take back the control of your senses by confronting them if you do
not believe you are in harm’s way. You should know that explaining how
you feel and what is bothering you is not doing anything wrong. Request
that the other person changes their behavior and how they talk to you. Don’t
let them continue with the same actions. Take your power back and do what
you need to do.
Also, know that people who manipulate others don’t change easily. So, in
doing what is okay for you do not try to change anyone who you suspect
might be a narcissist or anyone you know to be a manipulator. Know that
their behavior is hard-wired to their brains and trying to change them on
your own might well be a waste of your time and efforts. Leave such
relationships if you can.
 Chapter 3 – Cognitive Dissonance | How
Manipulation Affects You
B efore we take a more in-depth look into how narcissists operate to
make you think you are crazy, it is essential to introduce the concept of
cognitive dissonance as this will further shed light on how narcissists work
to make their victims feel mad. A brief digression into this concept will aid
our understanding of how manipulation works.
Cognitive dissonance is a term used to describe the feelings of discomfort.
This discomfort occurs when a person holds contradictory ideas or beliefs
in their minds at the same time.
In psychology, cognitive dissonance is a theory centered on how people try
to reach a state of inner consistency; cognitive dissonance is the
psychological stress experienced by a person who holds two contradictory
beliefs or ideas in mind. A psychologist named Leon Festinger first
proposed the theory.
He proposed that people have an inner need to ensure that what their beliefs
are and what their behaviors are, are consistent. When there is an
inconsistency, state of internal disharmony arises, and this state is
something people strive to avoid.
In relationships, cognitive dissonance is one of the results of emotional
abuse used by narcissists; they cause cognitive dissonance to create in the
victim a sense of confusion. Mental manipulation by narcissists comes
subtly, and cognitive dissonance is one of the side effects of being
emotionally abused in a relationship with a narcissist.
Let’s take a little time here to continue with the story of Sarah, the
hardworking mother of two boys who was accused by her husband that she
is giving too much attention to what she is passionate about – writing her
novels.
The story continues with James telling Sarah when she came back from the
grocery store that he couldn’t believe she was wasting her time writing
novels and that she was selfish and only cares about herself. Sarah’s
feelings were hurt, and she begins to think for a while that maybe she is too
insensitive and shouldn’t be pursuing her passion after all.
Unbeknownst to her, her husband, a narcissist, has been gaslighting her. She
begins to doubt her guts, and she starts growing confused; at this point she
had begun to hold the belief that she was insensitive.
When the time came for dinner, Sarah raised the fact that she loved writing
her novels, and she has in no way stopped giving attention to James and the
boys. James said no one has ever said she was not giving them attention and
that she is “crazy” for thinking that.
So, like Sarah, have you been struggling inside your mind and dealing with
conflicting thoughts? You wanted to take a course of action, but someone
said something that pulled you towards a new direction? That is the essence
of cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is not what a narcissist does, it is the result of the
narcissist’s emotional abuse, and it all happens in the victim’s mind.
Cognitive dissonance is one of the side effects of being in a relationship
with a narcissist. It comes in forms of brain fogs, and it feels like a carousel
is spinning around inside your head. It is a state of emotional dizziness, as
your thoughts and actions are not in harmony. The narcissist uses
gaslighting to drive a victim into a state of cognitive dissonance.
It is essential to note at this point that cognitive dissonances do not only
occur in abusive relationships, but also happens in real-life situations as we
make decisions in day-to-day life.
In typical real-life situations, people reduce the magnitude of their cognitive
dissonance by changing their behavior or their mental perception of a thing;
people also reduce the extent of their cognitive dissonance by justifying
their actions and adding more viewpoints, or they deny any information that
contrasts with information they already hold.
However, in personal and work relationships, it can often be challenging to
reduce the magnitude of cognitive dissonance or overcome it. This is
because it’s hard to believe that your boss/husband/co-worker/spouse or
parent might be trying to abuse you, or you have invested so much in a
relationship that it becomes so hard for you to accept the fact that
gaslighting is happening.
In manipulative situations, the victim might not realize that the cognitive
dissonance they feel is as a result of gaslighting by the narcissist, because
they are too emotionally or financially invested in the abusive relationship.
By now we know a narcissist will use all sorts of gaslighting tactics to put
the victim into a state of dependency, and to survive the ordeal, the victim
will unconsciously employ different mechanisms. One of these coping
mechanisms is cognitive dissonance.
Perhaps you have identified with some things discussed in this chapter, and
you have remembered times when you have experienced cognitive
dissonance. The good thing is that cognitive dissonance that results from
narcissistic gaslighting can be erased. However, it is pertinent to note at this
junction that there are both healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with
cognitive dissonance.
The unhealthy ways to remove cognitive dissonance will make the victim
fall into further abuse by the narcissist, and the cycle of mental
manipulation will continue. These unhealthy ways are:
Evasion: which is where the victim is fully aware of what is happening but
doesn’t want to acknowledge it and creates a sense of denial about what is
happening by evading what is right and refusing to change thoughts and
beliefs which will eventually remove the dissonance.

Refusing change: is when you refuse to let go of your current thoughts

and beliefs. Cognitive dissonance will disappear after a while of adhering to
your current thinking patterns.

Seeking the validation of negative influences: trying to remove

cognitive dissonance by seeking validation from toxic people will only
reinforce the cognitive dissonance in the long run.
The healthy ways to deal with cognitive dissonance are:
Writing in a Journal Frequently:
Cognitive dissonance often is a symptom of an underlying issue. When you
experience the symptoms, it is time to analyze your thoughts and question
them.
Writing down the thoughts in your head on paper can make you more self-
aware, and you can see the conflicts in your thoughts as you go back to
your entries.
Writing in a diary or some other type of private, contemplative writing can
be a valuable tool for investigating and settling those conflicting thoughts
and delivering a feeling of mental clarity and ease.

Speaking to trusted people:

Let people who care about you know of your troubles if you realize a
narcissist is psychologically manipulating you. Trusted friends and family
are good people who have your best interests at heart, and you can count on
them for positive support.
You might also consult your spiritual adviser when you think someone is
manipulating you. Positive support counts and when you speak to the
people you trust, you get a lot off your mind and gain new perspectives on
your issues of concern.

Talking to a therapist:
If you can't find someone close to confide in it is best you speak to a
licensed therapist.
Therapy is well known as a tool for overcoming addictions, anxiety, and
depression. It helps you manage your emotions and see things from a
different perspective.
Talking to a therapist will help you get a feeling of how you appear to other
individuals, and you get feedback on your emotions along with
understanding how your feelings affect you from day to day.
Eliminating cognitive dissonance is not always an easy undertaking, but it’s
worth it. It takes consistent attention to working on yourself and creating
more self-awareness.
Using healthy ways to deal with cognitive dissonance will make you be at
peace with yourself, and you will rediscover your power to act according to
the beliefs you hold.
It takes a lot of work to deal with the cognitive dissonance that results from
emotional abuse, but it goes a long way to help you overcome mental
manipulation and live a peaceful and healthy life.
Chapter 4 – How Gaslighting Narcissists Operate
to Make their Victim Think that they are Crazy
W e have already established that gaslighting does not only occur in
personal relationships but also in professional-work relationships and
relationships with members of the community. Also, we have seen how
gaslighting is a favorite tool for a narcissist and how to avoid mental
manipulation by a narcissist.
It cannot be stressed enough that gaslighting can damage a victim’s mental
and emotional health, and it works well for the narcissist because they can
manipulate in the subtlest ways. When narcissists are confronted for their
acts of manipulation, they can prove that it is the victim who is the crazy
one. This might be believable because most times, victims will not even
have the proof that they are being manipulated.
Narcissists use gaslighting to gain control over their victims, and when the
victims cannot prove that the narcissist said or acted in a way, they often go
back to the narcissist for what reality is, or they hold the narcissist's version
of events as real.
So, what are the cues narcissists pick up to drive their victims crazy? How
does a narcissist operate to make their victims crazy? To understand how
narcissists use gaslighting to make victims think they are crazy, it is
necessary to look into a few things narcissists do and say before we paint a
bigger picture of how they operate.
The narcissist will twist words to create images in the mind of the victim. In
a bid to make the victim question what their reality is all about, the
narcissist will say things about the victim’s life, friends, family,
possessions, among other topics.
Saying things about a victim’s primary relationships is one of the ways a
narcissist will seek to manipulate the victim. This is the very first maneuver
a narcissist will use to make victims think that they are crazy.
Not only will narcissists say words that will make their victims doubt their
mother, father, siblings, or best friends, narcissists will go further to make
victims question the intentions of the people that care so much about them.
This happens because the narcissist wants to isolate their victims so that
they can gain total control over their lives. They also perceive people who
love the victims as obstacles to their plans.
Why would a narcissist seek to do this evil thing? Well, narcissists are
aware that the victim’s loved ones will always support them and will bring
them back to a state of sanity so not only will narcissists question the
intentions of the victim’s loved ones, narcissists will drop subtle accusations
about a victim’s loved ones so as to create a breach of trust.
Another way a narcissist will make the victim think they are crazy is by
projecting their negative actions at the victim. A narcissist is never at fault
with anything, and hence they will project their actions onto their victims
when they are confronted for any wrongdoing. Even when a narcissist
makes a mistake, instead of admitting it was their mistake, they will turn it
over on the victim. The victim is always responsible.
Many times, when narcissists are caught doing exactly what they said they
would not do by the victims, they magically turn the tables and all of a
sudden, the victims are held responsible for their wrongdoing.
Narcissists do not only project their wrong actions on others, but they
project lies too, and when they are confronted for lying, they can turn it
around to make it seem that it was the victim who was lying or it was the
victim who made them lie.
Let’s take a break here to consider an example portrayed by the story of a
well-raised child who left home for college and made all the wrong choices
in college, dropped out and then returns home to put all the blame on his
parents. This is an example of a narcissistic child who is refusing to take
responsibility for his actions. Instead, he is blaming the parents who have
done their all to raise a good child.
Apart from saying the wrong words about their victim's relationships and
putting the blame of their misdeeds on the victims, another way through
which narcissists seek to make their victim think they are crazy is through
mismatching words and deeds. They say a thing and go on to do another
thing.
It is easy for a gaslighting narcissist to say one thing and do another. This is
because a narcissist is a great salesperson who can get a victim to invest in
them emotionally. A narcissist is the kind of person who will tell a victim
continually “I love you” but will never go out of their way to be there or
show that they genuinely love the victim.
Narcissists will make promises and never back them up, and when the
victims are too emotionally invested in them, they will think that maybe one
day the narcissist will follow through on their promise. This waiting on
their commitment can put the victim into a psychological mess as their
sense of identity and self-esteem are attached to a lie.
However, it is essential to note that there are times when narcissists
intentionally show acts of kindness, and this is another way in which they
seek to manipulate the victim to think they are crazy. They keep victims
confused when they in the midst of all their gaslighting acts by doing
something that seems to be selfless to the victim.
These random acts of kindness are just hooks to draw the victim deeper and
deeper into confusion, and they do this when they realize the victim is about
to pull away from the deception. After they have used gaslighting on their
victims for a while, they do something outstanding and declare that they are
well-meaning.
At this point, it is worthy to note that there are times when victims present
cues that make it easy for the narcissist to continue to manipulate and
control their reality. So, what are the signals narcissists pick up on to
manipulate their victims to think they are crazy?
1. The victim displays an emotional or relational vulnerability
Psychological vulnerabilities like past hurts, needs, or emotions can expose
a victim to gaslighting from a narcissist. As a result of talking to the
narcissists on a personal level, they might give out too much information
that can make the narcissist step over them. While trying to make the victim
sound crazy, a narcissist might say something like “How did you come to a
conclusion like that?” The narcissist will do this intentionally so that the
victim starts to second-guess themselves.
2. The victim reveals a personal issue of concern
Similar to displaying an emotional vulnerability, revealing wishes, desires
and a bit of the inner person by a victim can predispose them to a
gaslighting narcissist who could see this information as an opportunity to
give wrong advice or interpretations to confuse the victim.
3. The victim makes an error or a miscalculation
This happens in professional relationships in most cases, making mistakes
is a normal part of life, but narcissists can exploit the fact that others make a
mistake to manipulate them.
It comes as no surprise when you learn that narcissists are hyper-vigilant
and too often, they possess good memories to keep track of another person’s
life. So, when a narcissist knows you made a little mistake, they can come
around to say words that will bring you down.
4. The victim tries to create harmony
This is when a victim approaches a narcissist with the mind of creating a
win-win situation for both the narcissist and the victim. Unknown to most
victims, narcissists will only seek to win for themselves and might use such
cases to an unfair advantage. It can also happen in a situation where the
victim realizes their mistake and tries to seek the forgiveness of a narcissist.
5. The victim is trying to be helpful
The gaslighting narcissists will still find faults with a kind person. They do
not have empathy and will always look for an angle to pounce on their
victim.
Narcissists will look for any of these cues to disorientate their victim and
make them think they are crazy. To put all these together, we can bring the
ways narcissists operate together in an umbrella of terms:
Baiting
Baiting means luring the victim with a false sense of security. By
pretending to be good listeners which they never are, narcissist learns about
the victim’s flaws and insecurities and will use this knowledge later on to
provoke the victim.
Provoking the victim is just a bait, and if the victim truly gets angry, the
narcissist will talk about how they did not mean to make the victim angry.
In this way, they will manipulate the victim to think they did not intend to
hurt them.
Love Bombing
Love bombing often occurs in the early phases of a relationship.
Gaslighting narcissists will often operate in this way. Love bombing implies
that the narcissists overwhelm the victim with attention, flattery,
compliments, or romance.
It looks good to be showered with attention on the surface, but what the
victim does not know is that the gestures are made to manipulate them
further.
Love bombs are the activities aimed at gaining your affection and trust.
When a narcissist knows they have your faith, they are in charge and will
start to control you to get what they need.
Narcissists as mentioned earlier in this book, will struggle to maintain
mutually beneficial relationships, because at the end of the day, they only
want the relationship to benefit themselves, and after some time, you will
be left in obscurity to recuperate your enthusiastic injuries.
So here lies another problem. It tends to be extremely hard to see love
bombing when it is happening; but here are signs that indicate love
bombing.
1. Everything is happening way too fast
A narcissist will fall in love with you or display signs of affection to you
more quickly than you have ever experienced before. They will make you
have a feeling that you're flawless. They may even reveal to you that you're
the love of their lives they have been waiting for. Not too long after they
meet you, they are showering you with gifts.
That doesn’t mean you can't trust a new relationship, but that you ought to
be careful of any relationship that seems to appear unexpectedly out of
nowhere. When it comes to falling in love with someone, the narcissist
makes the magic seem real, but the reality is much different.
Know for a fact that true love grows slowly and recognize when things are
moving too fast.
2. You are always being asked about the things that don’t seem to
be working in your life.
When you notice someone who just entered your life is always curious to
know the things you have difficulties with or the things that don’t seem to
be working in your life, then be careful of such a person. A narcissist will
continuously ask you such questions because they want to provide solutions
for you so that you think they are the savior that has finally come to rescue
you.
What you might not observe is that they are curious so that you think of
how awesome they are, and also, they are storing more information about
you to be used against you later on in the relationship.
3. They disrespect other people.
This is a great way to know a person is a narcissist. Narcissists will treat
other people like crap, especially people they perceive are of lower status
than themselves. When you are with a narcissist, and someone else comes
If you observe this in a relationship and you notice it is a pattern that
repeats itself, then you need to get away as quickly as possible.

4. Nothing feels steady in the relationship

Later on, in your new relationship, you might start to experience a never-
ending cycle of emotions. One moment you feel great, then the next
moment you start feeling like a terrible human being. Healthy relationships
don’t go this way, most parts of healthy relationships are stable.
That’s what a narcissist does, and they are quite skilled at it: when they
compliment you, you feel like the best person in the world and then later
they will put you down, abuse you and make you feel like the worst person
in the world.
Covert threats
“Do this or I will do that.”
Covert threats happen when a victim challenges a notion or demand of a
narcissist, the narcissist has a false sense of superiority and will see
themselves as superiors who should not be challenged, so when the victim
does not live up to their expectation or challenges them in any way, they
feel threatened and attempt to instill fear.
In the event that somebody's response to you having a contrasting opinion
from their own is to threaten you into submission, regardless of whether it
is a subtle threat or an unmistakable confirmation of what they intend to do,
this is a warning sign that the person has a false sense of superiority.
Rather than solve disagreements maturely, narcissists will redirect to an
attempt to instill fear in you about what will happen if you do not choose to
comply with them.
When someone threatens you in any way, pay attention and let them know
you mean business by standing up for yourself, record their threats, and
report them when possible.

Name-calling
Name-calling is another resort for gaslighting narcissists. It is an easy way
with which they put victims down, so a gaslighting narcissist won't hesitate
to call the behavior of the victim “stupid” or “dumb” just to insult the
victim’s intelligence and degrade them.
Name-calling is one of the last techniques gaslighting narcissists resort to
when they can’t think of a better way to invalidate your opinion. It is the
easiest way to put you down as a victim. Name-calling is also used to
degrade your intelligence and appearance.
Rather than addressing a current issue, a narcissist will target you as a
person because they feel threatened as only they are right. When a narcissist
calls you all sorts of negative things, it is best for you not to internalize
them and realize that they are seeking to undermine you because of their
grandiose sense of self-importance.
Shaming
“You should be ashamed of yourself…”
This is one of the favorite sayings of a gaslighting narcissist. When a
narcissist feels challenged in any way, they use shaming to hit at their
victim’s self-esteem. They can do this because they know about abuse or an
injustice a victim has suffered in the past. They enjoy opening past wounds
to retraumatize victims to make them feel unworthy.
Shaming is essentially an attempt at making you feel lesser than yourself by
the narcissist.
In the event that you suspect you are relating with a narcissist, abstain from
revealing any of your vulnerabilities or past injuries. Don’t show anything
from your past to people who have not convinced you of their good
characters.

Condescending Jokes
Gaslighting narcissists enjoy making malicious jokes at the expense of the
victim, so they get away with saying abusive things in the form of jokes and
will often accuse the victim of having no sense of humor when they are
confronted.
Narcissists will use these kinds of jokes in gaslighting the victim, and in the
end, the victim knows they have been abused by the narcissists but will still
think it was just a joke after all.
Narcissists will also use sarcasm to tear the victim down, and if the victim
reacts, they will label them as “sensitive.” This will drive the victim into
always double-checking their thoughts before they express them in words
and they will begin to silence themselves.

Control
Gaslighting narcissists are control freaks who want to control anything they
can in the victim's life. They want to manage every facet of the victim’s life;
their finances, their friends, their time, their hobbies, and so on.
They want control because the more power they have over the victim, the
more the victim will rely on them.
Triangulation
“Even (name) thinks you are crazy.”
Triangulation is bringing in the opinion or perspective of a third party into a
relationship. In romantic relationships, triangulation can also stand for
bringing in another person to form a love triangle so that the victim can feel
insecure. Narcissists use other people’s opinion to approve of their own
perspectives.
Narcissists often triangulate their partners in romantic relationships with
strangers, colleagues, friends, and relatives to evoke jealousy. This is a
diversionary strategy intended to pull the victim away from the abusive
situation and paint a false image of themselves as a desirable person.
Also to create a confusing effect in the mind of the victim, narcissists make
up other people’s false opinions and project it onto their victims, so if a
narcissist has been telling a victim “you are crazy” for a while, the
narcissist might come at a later date say “Even your co-worker, (name) says
you are crazy.”
Nitpicking
Nitpicking means continually finding faults in others and criticizing little
things others do.
Narcissists are often perfectionists who want everything in life to turn out
perfectly and so they are quick to find fault in people and things.
Are you a millionaire? The narcissist will then start to pick on you and ask
you why you aren’t a multi-millionaire yet.
A narcissist will always raise the bar higher and higher; a narcissist seeks to
instill in you a sense of never being good enough, even when they don’t
raise their expectations for you, they might shift their expectations for you
completely. They do all these to create a feeling of unworthiness in you.
At work, a narcissist will criticize you and say their motive is to help you
improve and be the best, but they just w
ant to nitpick and make you the scapegoat when things don’t turn out well.
Even in the case of meeting their set targets, the narcissist will still find
reasons to be dissatisfied with you.
When you argue with a narcissist, and you have presented all the evidence
that could validate you, a narcissist will still demand more proof and bring
in matters not relevant to the matter of contention. They do this by pointing
out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and then change the
whole context of the argument.
Gaslighting narcissists will use these techniques to make their victims think
that they are crazy. They do this in subtle ways you can’t easily recognize,
so it is hard to see what they are really up to.
Gradually, the effects of gaslighting starts to set in in the victim, and the
victim experiences cognitive dissonance, and after continuous gaslighting,
the victim starts to question their sanity and think they are actually going
crazy.
Let’s look at the effects of gaslighting.
 Chapter 5 – The Effects of Gaslighting
G aslighting is a crazy-making effect that can lead to exploitation, which
is sometimes hard to see. The intention of the person using gaslighting
is to, in a subtle and organized way, crumble the self-confidence of the
victim so that they are not able to act independently. In the end, the victim
becomes a robot who only obeys the order of the manipulator.
The emotional damage caused by gaslighting can be enormous on the
victim. When a person is exposed to gaslighting for too long, they lose their
sense of self-identity, and they start to distrust their judgment and second-
guess themselves.
Gaslighting may lead a victim to develop emotional and mental concerns.
The self-doubting and confusion can add to anxiety, and this anxiety can
lead to depression, post-traumatic stress, and codependency.
The effects of gaslighting can be detrimental on the victim; these effects
don’t come all at once; they come in three stages: disbelief, defense, and
depression. Before we go into these stages, let's take a look at the harmful
effects gaslighting has on victims;

1. Confusion
Gaslighting works when the victim is unaware of it, and the constant use of
gaslighting tactics by the narcissist makes the victim gradually bend to their
will. Over time, doubts creep into the mind of the victims, and with more
gaslighting going on, the victim is confused by what is going on. Though
they know something is going wrong, they can’t pinpoint exactly what it is.
It is a never-ending cycle for the victims as long as they are in close relation
with the narcissist. Confusion results from the narcissist's exploitation of
the victim's vulnerabilities. Narcissists keep their victims always second-
guessing what they throw at them as they are always alternating between
acts of cruelty and acts of kindness.
The narcissists break down victims piece by piece so that they become
more and more unstable, and eventually, victims come to rely on them for
comfort and guidance as confusion takes its toll on victims mentally and
physically.
Confusion in the victims eventually leads to isolation, as the victims are too
confused as to how the whole situation came to be in the first place.
 2. Loss of confidence.
When a person falls victim of a gaslighting narcissist, their confidence
starts to erode, and as they may find themselves second-guessing things, the
victim develops a heightened sense of self-doubt. Every decision will now
be backed with an internal question, “What if I…?”
The victims start to live in fear of doing the wrong things as they are now
sensitive to the constant projection, blame, lies, and humiliation of the
narcissist. As a result of looking up to the narcissist for approval before
taking actions, they ask themselves “Am I too sensitive….?’ And because
they act with fear, they often end up making mistakes in their activities.
As time progresses, the victim will start showing the signs of low
confidence; they would find it hard to offer a simple thank you when they
are complimented. This happens because of the unconscious emotional
damage caused by gaslighting: a victim will reject a positive view of
themselves because they have unconsciously accepted the fact that they are
unworthy from the narcissist.
A victim will find it hard to hold eye contact with others because they are
afraid others will see right through them and notice their flaws. The
narcissists have successfully projected a part of themselves onto the victim.
Loss of confidence also makes victims always apologize as they are never
doing anything right in the eyes of the narcissist and to prevent further
name-calling and humiliation, they apologize even for the words they say.
3. Indecision
A typical result of gaslighting is questioning everything, as the victim
doesn’t know what’s real and what’s imagined. This, in turn, means the
victim finds it challenging to make the most straightforward choices
because they now find it impossible to know what is “right” from what is
“wrong”.
Victims of gaslighting not only have trouble making big decisions, but
simple choices such as brushing their teeth are now also hard to make, as
they have been caught up in the narcissist’s web of illusion, and they are
bonded to the narcissist.
This kind of bond to the narcissist is formed out of the fear that the victim
will lose their sense of self. One part of the victim will try to align itself to
the needs and choices of the narcissist, while another will try to align itself
with the victim’s preferences.
Moreover, the narcissist projects their fear of taking responsibility, and the
need for perfection onto the victim, so the fear of taking responsibility
makes it hard to make decisions.
Gradually, victims begin to lose their power to make decisions until they are
unable to decide anything for themselves. Now they have to rely on the
narcissist for guidance and ask the narcissist for permission to do things.
4. Distrust
As a result of the shame victims of gaslighting feel, they try to cover up the
fact that mental manipulation is going on in their lives and when their
family and best friends start to notice the changes in them, they deny the
subject and cover-up, or they may avoid the issue.
Gaslighting victims start to withhold information from people who mean
well because they live in fear of what will happen if they were ever found
out by the narcissist. They begin to withdraw from society, and they start to
distrust other people.
The victims of gaslighting not only have trouble trusting family and friends
but they also increasingly feel they can’t trust themselves either.
Distrust causes victims not only an inability to form new friendships and
relationships but also to withdraw themselves into isolation from friends
and family.
This particular effect of gaslighting continues to take place even after the
victim has successfully eliminated the narcissist from their lives as when
they make new friends, they find it difficult to trust and will always be
hypervigilant about relationships.

5. Melancholy
Gaslighting practiced on the victim over time will take away the happiness
and joy of the victims. Narcissists leave their victims afraid, confused,
lonely, and unhappy through mental manipulation and emotional abuse.
The victims have the feeling that they used to be a different person; one
who was confident and carefree. What the victims don’t realize is that
anyone who lives under the constant oppression of the gaslighting narcissist
can have character change.
This vile act compounds over time to cause a significant personality change
in the victims: victims who used to be calm, fun-loving and the best of
themselves are now depressed as a result of the mental abuse.
Gaslighting causes depression in victims after a while, as the constant
letting down, blame-shifting, dissonance, and mental manipulation takes its
toll on them.
The effects of gaslighting don’t come all at once in victims; these effects
occur in stages and victims will go through three steps when they suffer in
the hands of a gaslighting narcissist: disbelief, defense, and depression.
When depression sets it, the victim discards their own reality, and the
narcissist wins.

Stage One: Disbelief.

Disbelief is the first reaction of the victim towards gaslighting behavior.
They can't figure out what is happening and why the narcissist suddenly
changes attitude towards them. Of course, the narcissists want this because,
along the way, they know the victim will submit to their wishes, and they
will control the victim’s reality.
At first, the narcissist presented a different version of themselves to the
victim. In the eyes of the victim, a narcissist is a person full of love, and
they will find it hard to believe that a person that has once shown love to
them is now something else.
This first stage is a state of total unawareness on the part of the victim. The
victim is not aware of the gaslighting that is employed by the narcissist. All
that they see is that the narcissist who once supported them and shown love
to them is now very critical of them and any attempt to discuss the reason
for the change of attitude is blocked or diverted into something not relevant
to the reason why their attitude changed or in worse cases the attempt to
discuss is met with silence.
At this stage, love-bombing stops and nitpicking starts: the victims are
shocked about the narcissist’s radical change of behavior. One minute, the
narcissist was the perfect person, and now the narcissist is a shadow of their
former selves.
The victim will still try to make sense of everything at this stage and might
attribute the sudden change of behavior to another event in the life of the
narcissist.
After a while, the narcissist might seem to be healthy and okay again in the
eyes of the victim, but this is just temporary as the narcissists will come
back powerfully with more force and their bad behavior will now become a
never-ending cycle.
This is also the stage where the narcissist starts to create confusion in the
victim's mind with their actions and words. Later on at this stage, the victim
begins to become dependent on the narcissist for a sense of reality.
Stage two: Defense.
At this stage, the victim still has a grip on the part of their self to fight and
defend themselves against the gaslighting manipulation. The narcissist at
this point is gaslighting with covert threats, triangulation, and name-calling.
The narcissist is trying hard to make the victim think they are insane at this
point, but a part of the victim is working hard to believe this while another
part has accepted the fact that the victim is crazy.
This is the stage where the tactics of gaslighting are beginning to work, but
the victim still has control over a little part of their mind. At this stage,
gaslighting has worn out a part of the victim's mind; the victim begins to
mentally weaken and starts to give in.
In any case, the narcissist's gaslighting is starting to do what it is expected
to do, that is, to startle the victim, by creating self-doubt and guilt in them.
This emotional harm causes the victim, after some time, to lose their sense
of the real world, and their sense of self. They become lost and incapable of
trusting in their own memory. The victim may start to feel shame and after a
while, the victim will feel they are in great danger.
Psychologists believe that nature has built-in coping mechanisms from birth
for when we feel we are about to be destroyed.
One of these coping mechanisms is explained as “Stockholm Syndrome”
where the victim adapts to the traumatic situation by unconsciously
reverting to childhood patterns of behavior, and bonds with their abuser as
they did with their mother in their childhood when they feel threatened.
Another coping mechanism is “Cognitive Dissonance” where the victim
seeks to rationalize the narcissist’s behavior.
To defend themselves, victims do two things to cope with the gaslighting:
They rationalize the behavior of the abusive narcissist, and as such, they fall
into a state of cognitive dissonance. This is a state of discomfort that occurs
when a person holds contradictory ideas or beliefs in their minds at the
same time. (See Chapter Two)
They revert to childhood behaviors as a defense against the narcissist’s
gaslighting. By going into this regressive mode, they begin to bond with the
narcissist as they did with their mothers when they were babies. This is
done unconsciously out of fear of the narcissist.
Stage three: Depression.
At this stage, gaslighting has taken its full effect, and the victim has now
become a shadow of their former selves. They begin to think they can't
make decisions anymore, they can't deal with reality any longer, and they
withdraw into depression.
By this stage, the victim can barely recognize themselves, and they are
rapidly turning into a shadow of their previous selves, living inside a war
region where they are controlled physically and battered emotionally. The
victim starts to avoid people, places, or thoughts and develop a lack of
interest in activities that give them happiness and joy. They also begin to
relive past experiences.
At this point, they begin to have difficulty concentrating on their tasks, and
they feel hopeless.
They start to feel that they can't do anything right anymore, they don't think
that they can trust their own mind and they escape into depression.
Many victims also go on to experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
(PTSD). The symptoms of PTSD fall into three classes:
1. Reliving the past: (Flashbacks, bad dreams, and nervousness)
2. Avoidance: (Avoiding people, places, and a general lack of interest)
3. Arousals: (Hyper-vigilance, insomnia, frequent outbursts of anger)
Gaslighting can have disastrous impacts on a victim's mental wellbeing.
The process of gaslighting is frequently slow, wearing down the victim’s
confidence and self-esteem gradually to a point where they may come to
accept that they deserve the maltreatment or a point where the victim starts
to question all that they hear, feel, and remember.
Gaslighting can likewise influence the victim’s social life. The narcissist
may control them into cutting ties with loved ones.
The survivors of gaslighting may struggle to trust others as they are always
on the alert for further manipulation. They refuse to be vulnerable in future
relationships. This refusal might cause problems again in future
relationships.
Apart from refusing to show vulnerabilities, the survivors of gaslighting
may also seek validation desperately in future relationships. They might put
up with bad behaviors, and this may put them at risk of further narcissistic
abuse.
The effects of gaslighting even continue after the victim has escaped the
abusive relationship, as the impact of gaslighting might persist. The victim
may still doubt their perceptions and have trouble making simple decisions.
Victims are also less likely to voice what they truly feel, knowing that they
are likely to be invalidated by others.
 Chapter 6 – Top Ten Signs You are Being
Manipulated with Gaslighting
I f you have ever had a friend, family or co-worker who was a narcissist,
chances are you have been a victim of gaslighting, or maybe some effects
on gaslighting mentioned earlier on resonate with you, or you know
someone in your life who is always nitpicking and making covert threats.
Whatever the case might be, you can associate someone with how
gaslighting operates, and you need to validate if what you are feeling is true
or not.
We looked into the common tactics used by gaslighting narcissists in
chapter four, and we saw the effects gaslighting has on a victim in the last
chapter. These effects don’t happen all at once, but they take place over
time in a gradual process.
One disturbing aspect of gaslighting is that everybody at risk, as truth be
told, gaslighting is a strategy regularly used by cult leaders and tyrants. So,
gaslighting is not only a prominent feature in personal relationships: we can
experience gaslighting in everyday life without even realizing it.
Lamentably, gaslighting as a tactic for abuse can be used by the individuals
who mean much to you, meaning it might be challenging to realize this fact
because of the deliberate slow way in which it is being used as a tool for
manipulation.
It's difficult to perceive this kind of abuse because, in addition to lying and
bad behavior, the manipulator may be unbelievably charming.
So right now, you might be second-guessing trusted people in your life, and
you might think all these signs are wrong. You might not know that you are
in an abusive relationship.
It is now over to you as my reader to take a few minutes of your time to re-
evaluate your life and see if any of these top ten signs hold true for you (or
for anyone that you know). These signs are the most common signs of
being manipulated with gaslighting by a victim; examine your relationships
and see where any of these signs hold true:

1. Your vulnerabilities are used against you.

Have you ever shared your fears or vulnerabilities with anyone, and the
person comes back later to poke at your weaknesses?
Narcissists are charming people who will listen to every word you say not
because they are great listeners, but because they believe they can use your
words against you come later, so they keep what you say about yourself in a
mental file so that they can use it later.
Have you ever told someone a feature about yourself or a particular
weakness of yours that you feel a bit insecure about? Features like your
weight or your height, and discovered that the person pokes at that specific
feature or weakness later? That is a sign of gaslighting, and chances are the
person is a narcissist.
In addition to using your vulnerabilities against you, individuals who use
gaslighting on you will use your loved ones or the activities you like to do
against you. On the off chance that you cherish a particular activity, they
will discover issues with it.
If you have kids you hold dear and cherish, the narcissist may lead you to
believe you ought to never have had them. This abusive strategy makes the
victim question themselves as well as the people they love and the activities
they cherish.
So, if there is anyone you can think of right now that is always making
reference to your weaknesses when you talk or when you argue, take a step
back and see how often they do it and also, the situations where they talk
about your vulnerabilities.

2. You question your mind.

Narcissists are known for their truth-bending abilities, and when they make
promises and break them later on, they seek to evade responsibility for the
broken promise.
Apart from promises, narcissists can also twist facts to fit their manipulative
purposes, and when confronted for an evil deed, they can turn everything
around and put it on the person that faces them.
In your relationships, examine the various scenarios where someone has let
you down with a promise or does something to gain your attention and later
on says they didn’t make a promise, or they didn’t perform that specific
action. Is this trend repeating itself often? Does it happen day to day?
When you start to question your own perceptions after an interaction with a
person you should watch out: a person says “A,” and hearing this correctly,
you later on mention “A” in a conversation with them, and the next thing is
“I never said A, are you sure you are okay?”
Coupled with evading responsibility and lying, a narcissist will usually add
a phrase that makes you question your mind or think you are going crazy.
When you ask a person about a promise or a past action or the words they
said to you a while ago, and they turn it back on you, swearing not to
understand you or saying you are too forgetful, you can begin to question
yourself. Watch out, the narcissist is gaslighting you.

3. You are labeled as “paranoid”, “too sensitive” or

“hormonal.”
A narcissist will shirk responsibility for their actions, and they will try to
make you feel you are the wrong person in the relationship rather than their
words and actions.
Is anyone in your life right now labeling you as “paranoid” or “too
sensitive” or “hormonal,” when you confront them for wrongdoing or when
you try to correct them about a thing they have done wrong? Take a step
back and examine your encounters with the person. You have never felt like
you were excessively touchy in this past, but now in your relationship with
someone, you are always being informed that you are sensitive and it’s a
big issue, and you begin to think about whether it is valid, which it's most
certainly not.
Notice how someone says these words when you confront them about
things they ought to do, or when you react to their wrongdoings.
The narcissist’s actions will hurt you, yet you believe you can't utter a word
since you would be called “too sensitive”, “paranoid’ or “hormonal.”

4. You doubt your own beliefs and perception

This is perhaps the biggest red flag. You saw something, and you were clear
in your mind you saw that thing, but while you were talking to that person
in your life, you were made to believe that you didn’t see what you thought
you saw. There is a big chance you are falling victim to gaslighting by a
narcissist.
Maybe in your relationship, your spouse says words like, “You don’t know
what a healthy relationship looks like.” So, you regularly question your
very own judgment and feel that your partner is more intelligent than you
are.
Not only do you now doubt yourself, you additionally experience difficulty
settling on your own choices because you think your choices are not healthy
or wrong. You accept that whatever decision is made for you by your
partner regardless of whether it is what you think is right for you or wrong.
5. You are always trying to keep the peace
Concealed threats, and aggression in language can be employed by a
narcissist to cause fear and mental discomfort in victims.
Examine the recent course of events in your life. Do you find yourself
always trying to keep the peace in a particular work or personal
relationship? Or someone silently threatens you, and you are always trying
to make peace. If you find yourself trying to keep peace in your
relationships by doing what you don’t want to do just because of fear of the
other person, chances are you are with a gaslighting narcissist.

6. You stop trying to be heard

Relationships are for sharing and caring, and when you observe someone is
ignoring you when you talk about your problems or feelings rather than
listening and empathizing with you but will always want to talk to you
about their own issues.
Altogether, you have stopped trying to communicate and express how you
truly feel to someone you are in a relationship with. It may be your spouse,
boyfriend or girlfriend or even your co-worker or boss.
Step back and observe your relationships. Have you been trying to stop
communicating your feelings to this other person? Then, you might be
dealing with a narcissist.

7. You start thinking maybe you are the crazy one

Narcissists are famous for their selective memories, and they will deny that
they ever said anything to hurt you when they are confronted with their
words, finding a way to turn it back on you and make you think you heard
them wrong.
When you find yourself thinking maybe you really are the crazy one in your
relationships that's another red flag right there.
Are you involved with anyone who regularly makes you feel you are the
crazy one, yet it is the other person always calling names, getting angry, and
stepping on toes? The person might be a narcissist.
The narcissist will know when you are already questioning your sanity. The
narcissist also knows that you would turn to them to seek clarity, along the
line, when they call you insane, as you trust their judgment.
Furthermore, the narcissist may also tell other people that you are insane so
that in any event you approach these people for help, they won’t believe
you, as the narcissist had already said you would seek help and you
shouldn’t be taken seriously.

8. You always believe you owe someone an apology.

Is there anyone in your life right now you are always saying sorry to, even
when you never did anything wrong?
You should understand that a gaslighting narcissist is a master manipulator
who will continuously guilt trip you by playing the victim who is giving
everything up for you.
One of the most common indications of being a casualty of gaslighting is
winding up as often as possible saying "I'm sorry", when there is nothing to
be sorry about.
If your default reaction to anything is to apologize, this is a warning that
you don't have a sense of speaking your own mind.

9. You are depressed and anxious.

A gaslighting narcissist will create an environment that will eventually
drain the victim of emotions over time. A narcissist wears down a victim to
a point where the victim feels hopeless, and the roller coaster of emotions
the narcissist makes the victim go through makes the victim feel disoriented
and anxious. Thanks to all the references about their memories, he or she
may become incredibly depressed and anxious.
Is there anyone in your life whose thought takes away the joy you feel in an
instant?
A narcissist will continuously use gaslighting on a victim. A lie here, a rude
remark there, crazy-calling and then it goes down for the victim from there.
Indeed, even the most mindful individuals can be gradually sucked into
mental manipulation because of the insidious manner of gaslighting.
People who are victims of gaslighting often feel like they can't speak freely
in the presence of the narcissist without being criticized.
They feel tense and restless as they anticipate the narcissist to count their
words as nothing or criticize them. Then again, they feel increasingly sure
and free when they are far from the narcissist.
Being in this kind of relationship will eventually deplete the victim of
vitality since they will invest so much energy considering what they ought
to do or say next that won't be scrutinized.
Do you feel unhappy due to your relationship with a person in your life?
While it is normal to have misunderstandings and miscommunications,
when you observe it is becoming a regular thing with someone in your life,
and it is making you sad, check yourself for depression. If you truly feel
anxious about this person, then you might be a victim of gaslighting.
The problem, of course, is the gaslighting narcissist in your life.

10. You think you are actually manipulated with

gaslighting
Funny how you have gone through these signs to discover one of them
holds true for one of the relationships in your life right now.
When you actually think you are being manipulated by someone mental, a
part of your mind that is still rational and healthy will actually send
thoughts about a particular person in your life that is playing with your
mind.
Our intuition works to help us as humans, and when you have a deep gut
feeling about someone, then it is time to take a step back and see how you
might have been a victim of gaslighting.
If there is any part of you having suspicions right now, then be sure that one
of these signs or more is visible in your relationship with the “suspected”
narcissist.
The gaslighting narcissist is less likely to put a stop to it right now, so take
some time to confirm your suspicions.
The fact that you are suspicious means the rational part of your brain is still
functioning and can pick up on cues of manipulation from your
environment.
Did any of these signs seem to be familiar with you?
It is pertinent to note that there are other signs of manipulation apart from
these ten signs. However, these top ten signs happen to be the most
common signs of being manipulated by gaslighting narcissists. More
examples will be presented in the next chapter.
In the next chapter, we will be examining the common phrases narcissists
say when they are gaslighting victims, and you will get to see the ugly
reasons why they say what they say and do what they do. These phrases are
also signs that show you how gaslighting narcissists wear their victims
down with words.
 Chapter 7 – 80 Things Narcissists Say During
Gaslighting.
A t first, it may be hard to detect if a narcissist is trying to have their way
with you because they might be hiding the fact that they are
gaslighting you with their words.
The first step to taking back control of your emotions is to be aware of the
words narcissists say during gaslighting.
There are ways to detect gaslighting in words, and in this chapter, we will
see the words a narcissist uses to make you think you are crazy. If the signs
of gaslighting in the previous chapter are not enough to pin down the
narcissistic abuse, then maybe the phrases narcissists use will shed more
light on the picture.
This collection of manipulative phrases are pointers to gaslighting, and if
you observe that anyone uses more than ten of these phrases when they
address you, then you can be certain that you are a victim of gaslighting.
The underlying reasons for the use of these phrases are also presented,
which will aid your understanding of the roots of these words and make you
see why narcissists carefully select them when they are trying to manipulate
a victim into submission to their own will.
The 80 things narcissists say during gaslighting (in no particular order of
importance) are;

1. “You are always making up this stuff in your head.”

2. “You should get tested for paranoia.”
3. "You are crazy, you are a freak, you are mad."
4. "Everyone in this town thinks you are bipolar."
5. "I never said that you are crazy."
6. "I never did that, you're crazy."
7. "You are delusional."
8. "You just listen to yourself; you're losing it."
 9. "Everyone agrees with me — You are the crazy one."
The statements on the previous page are attempts to make you think you
didn’t see the things you thought you saw or heard the things you thought
you heard. They are meant to make you start doubting your senses.
Since the narcissist's goal is to make you dismiss your perceptions, after
some time has passed, you may begin to address yourself and trust a portion
of the narcissist's allegations about you.
You may even start to dismiss your own characteristics and qualities and
make statements like, "I think I’m losing it." That is the goal of the
narcissist, as once you believe you are crazy or delusional, you start to rely
on the narcissist for your sanity.
You can see the tactical ways gaslighting narcissists operate with these
words to make you think you are crazy. Can you see shaming and
triangulation in these words?
Moving on:
10. "You're so childish or immature. You need to learn to
communicate better."
11. "Why are you getting upset over something little, get over it,
I'm late, I was supposed to be here at 12.00pm, but I’m here
now (2:30 p.m.) "
12. "I never do things wrong. You do"
13. "You treat me like a piece of shit, and you said you are not on
drugs."
14. "You started it."
15. "Why are you so defensive?”
16. "If you didn't piss me off, I wouldn't have to say mean things
to you."
17. "I'm not saying you need to be different, I'm not trying to
change anybody. You are."
18. "It's always something with you."
19. "You have always got a problem." Or “you are a big
problem.”
20. "I don't answer your texts because you bother me with your
stupidity."
21. “No wonder your son isn’t good at math; you are also good
for nothing.”
22. "You are always looking for something to grip at all the
time."
These phrases are used to make you think you are responsible for the
narcissist’s actions when narcissists make mistakes, as they look for a
scapegoat instead of taking responsibility. You should note how everything
always seems to be your fault when it is clear that you are never capable of
making someone do what they have decided not to do in the first place.
Habitually, a narcissist is always in attack mode, and they seldom, if at any
time, own up to their very own imperfections or inadequacies. On the off
chance that they are criticized or held responsible for something, they rush
to accuse others while excusing their behavior.
Even when reality appears perfectly clear to you, a narcissist still won't
concede that they are not right.
23. "I'm much smarter than you, dumbass!"
24. "I'm from a bloodline of smart men. I'm smarter than average
people like you."
25. "Someone told me that they had the best time ever because I
was there."
26. "I'm the best thing that has ever happened to you."
27. "I have a friend; he is the CEO of (a company) who owns
whatever. I have lots of friends. You are the loser who stays
home all the time with no friends.”
28. "I was rich beyond belief back in California, and I knew all
the movie stars you know because I grew up with them, and I
never had to worry about being broke all the time."
29. "My job is more important. You just have projects. It's just
busywork. That’s no job."
30. "I know exactly what you are thinking."
31. "You're a piece of shit.
32. Don't worry about it. Shut up you are such a fool. You worry
about everything. I've done this before." (If you try to let them
know that they are going to get in some kind of trouble)
33. "It's my way or the highway, bitch."
34. "Somebody has to earn a living." "I am working my ass off,
but nobody around here seems to care.”
Because narcissists put themselves on a pedestal and can’t dole out praise to
you when you do something splendid, they will always be in a silent
competition with you: they are smarter, they have more friends, they are the
hard-working ones. They feel threatened when you shine for your own
efforts and will always find a way to undermine you and make you feel
smaller compared to them.
Consider the things you have done that deserve praise. Are they always
things that benefit a particular person in your life? Were you lavished with
praise by that person in your life?
Provided that this is true, this is simply one more variety of oppressive
gaslighting since you don't get applauded for the things that you truly
deserve to be praised for.
35. "You are too stupid, no one will ever like you."
36. "You're too fat."
37. "You're too sensitive."
38. "Nobody likes you.”
39. "You never listen."
40. “You’re just over-sensitive.” “Stop being so sensitive.”
41. "No one will ever love you the way I do.” "You will never find
anyone as good as I am."
These phrases are said to hurt your feelings, and once the narcissist feels a
part of you gets sensitive or reacts to these phrases, they continue to hurt
you until your self-esteem falls. What the narcissists fail to realize is the
fact that no single being is perfect, but they are too self-absorbed to realize
this, and in their own eyes, they are the perfect ones.
Did you observe “name-calling” as discussed in Chapter Four in these
words?
42. "If you tell them about what I said, I will make your life
miserable and hurt you.”
43. "Go ahead, tell your friends and family about me. Just know
if you do, I will make your life a living hell."
44. "Everyone thinks I'm a pretty nice guy, it’s a shame you
don't."
45. "No wonder (name) and (name) has a problem with you.”
“You are too selfish.”
46. "I don't give a crap about our kids."
47. “Knock yourself out. Make a fool of yourself."
48. "You'll never find anyone to put up with you like I do."
49. "You will never live in a house as nice as this one. You will end
up living on the streets."
Gaslighting narcissists use threats in covert ways as when they know a few
of your fears they turn them against you and use them as a tool to
manipulate you into doing their bidding.
At times, they use people against you, as the narcissists know who will
defend them no matter what they do and the people who won't protect them,
and some other times they try to make you feel that people don't like you.
Know for sure that when narcissists try to play you against people, they do
it so that you feel there is no one to trust. They isolate you by making you
question the people you can trust; they are separating you because it gives
them the authority over you that they want.
Some other phrases gaslighting narcissists use are:
50. "What do you get out of being moody all the time?"
51. "I used to think you were a great person.”
52. "I'm not arguing with you, I'm just discussing."
53. "I don't have time for your games."
54. "Just try, you'll lose, loser!"
55. "You like being a victim. That is why I stay away from you."
56. "You just sit around and play on the computer all day."
57. "I'm going to stay away from you, you put me down."
58. "If I want to feel crazy, I will come to you. You suck!"
59. "No one will ever love you the way I do." "Why do you have
to get all hurt over stuff?"
60. "I know how to do, I know why you do, I know how you do.”
"I know the answers, and you have to listen to me."
61. "You just want to bring up things from the past."
62. "You should know this is not a good time to talk."
63. “You can never do anything without me!" then after a while,
"I never said that you're crazy."
64. "You have no friends."
65. "I'm not trying to control, you're thinking about your ex, and
you're taking it out on me."
66. "I am the only one who really loves you."
67. "Watch what I do next … “
68. " You can’t take a joke. Can you?"
69. "I am going to pay you back on Friday." (And of course, they
never do).
70. "You had better take that look off your face, or I will do it for
you."
71. "Stop telling people stuff about me.
72. "You'll never find another man as good as me."
73. "Women were born to serve men."
74. "You are here to serve me; men are here to serve women."
75. "I can say anything I want to you because I own you.” “I
criticize you because I love you.”
76. "Don't nag me." "Why are you upset? I was just kidding."
77. "Anger, what anger? So I'm not allowed to get angry?”
78. “I'll kill them and you."
79. "Get over it." "Grow up."
80. “Don’t you think you’re over-reacting?”
A person outside the scenarios where these phrases are used would never
know they are used by a gaslighting narcissist to achieve certain ends, as it
takes a deeper reflection on what is happening around where these words
are used to catch a glimpse of the subtle act of gaslighting.
These eighty phrases are a collection of common gaslighting phrases. The
reason why you should pay attention to them is to create real awareness, so
you realize the issues in your personal relationships.
Rather than blame yourself that the relationship turned out to be this bad,
you can set a goal to improve your circumstances. Be thoughtful and know
that you truly deserve better. Deciding to move forward will give you the
inner strength to improve your situation.
If you observe that someone you relate with regularly uses these phrases
when they talk to you, then its time you seize control of your sanity back.
You can learn how to disarm the narcissist and win back the control for
your mind.
 Chapter 8 - Crush Gaslighting |
Six Empowering Ways to Disarm
a Narcissist and Take Control

T he preceding chapter showed some phrases narcissists use in

gaslighting. You are genuinely convinced that something is wrong
somewhere in one of your relationships, as some of the signs presented in
this book so far point to the fact that you are a victim of gaslighting, and
now you want to take control of your thoughts back.
While a significant number of people can experience the world around them
and figure out how to manage the good and bad times that are parts of life,
narcissists are prone to keeping their environment very well controlled.
Whatever they can’t control, they blame people around them for.

The need for control is what makes narcissists challenging to work and
relate with. Regardless of the fact that you have a decent argument or a
solution to a problem, the narcissist will still use their collection of
ammunition to bring others down and make them take the blame.
Your interaction with the gaslighting narcissist might have caused you
considerable amounts of stress and pressure. The narcissist’s need for power
and control will always make them develop creative ways of getting what
they want. In the end, you will even end up taking all the blame for every
bad thing that has happened.
The awareness of the fact that you have been a victim of gaslighting goes a
long way in restoring you to a healthy state. It is no easy feat because at this
point, you might have been crippled emotionally, and it will take some
efforts to disarm a narcissist and seize control for the sake of your sanity.
However, it is possible to overcome emotional abuse and mental
manipulation by learning the empowering ways with which you can disarm
a narcissist. To take the control from the narcissist, you have to take the
focus off the pain you feel and realize that this pain is a typical sign of
emotional abuse. You need to focus on how to disarm the narcissist so that
you can take back full control for your thoughts.
These are the six ways you can empower yourself to disarm the narcissist:

1. Disengage from the situation.

The first way to disarm a narcissist is to take your energy back. You allow
yourself to be emotionally drained when you get yourself caught up in the
drama with a narcissist.
You have realized that you are being manipulated with gaslighting, so don’t
allow any more drama with the narcissist: stop arguing with them, don’t try
to explain yourself, don’t get caught in their web of lies, detach yourself.
Gaslighting narcissists love to argue and fight with words, as they know
how to make you react with their words, and they know when they push
you to the point where you will try to protect yourself verbally. Keeping
your calm will throw the narcissist off balance, and nothing will infuriate
them more than you trying to keep your composure.
Keeping your cool will leave the narcissist no choice but to walk away or
change their behavior.
When you withdraw your attention, they stop in their tracks to examine
their tactics and might even come back stronger, but as long as you don’t
give in, you frustrate their efforts, and they will start keeping their distance.
However, doing this works fine for the gaslighting narcissist who is in most
cases often less toxic than psychopaths and sociopaths who might take on
the fact that you are refusing to give in to drama to the level of physical
abuse.
Don’t fall for the temptation of coming down to their level.

2. Control your emotions.

Similar to disengaging from the situations where you feel the narcissist is
saying gaslighting phrases to mess with your head, controlling your
emotions when they use hurtful words is another way to disarm the
narcissist.
Keep your cool. Displaying an emotion will only make the narcissist come
back stronger in the bad behavior, as they will get encouragement from the
fact that you are now angry and continue to behave in the same way with
you.
Along with disengaging the narcissist, control your own emotions so as not
to react when they say words that might make you angry.
The narcissist's power wanes when you control yourself.
3. Stop saying, “I am sorry.”
Due to the fear of being criticized or being hurt with abusive words, you
must have been repeating this statement unconsciously in your relationship
with the narcissist.
Not saying sorry is another way to disarm the narcissist. You must have
found yourself apologizing for how the narcissist feels and how you feel;
you have been apologizing for the things you do and the things you didn’t
do, and you have been apologizing for everything including the things that
went wrong through no fault of yours.
Stop apologizing. By always apologizing, you are feeding that part of a
narcissist where they see themselves as perfect, and you are only making
them stronger.
You are not in any way responsible for the narcissist’s emotions, so stop
taking responsibility for how they feel. Stop, as you will always be the one
reinforcing their negative behaviors.

4. Put your needs first.

This is about asserting yourself. Too often you have been putting the needs
of the narcissist over your own needs. You should realize that taking care of
yourself means doing the things you love to do and loving yourself doesn’t
imply that you are selfish.
You have also unconsciously been willing your power away to the narcissist
by taking care of their needs first. This comes out of the teachings of being
selfless we all had as kids: you were taught that being selfless was good.
When these patterns continue into adulthood and you push yourself to the
limits, you might start to let go of your own needs to take care of others.
If you take care of yourself first there is a lesser chance of you being taken
advantage of by the narcissist. Know your needs and seek to fulfill them
first.
The mind-destroying effects of gaslighting can make you think you deserve
the bad things that happened to you. You can blame yourself for being such
a bad person.
You don’t need to attempt to do all things at once. Instead, start with little
goals that can improve your situation now that you are aware of your case.
Be thoughtful of yourself and realize that you merit love regardless of how
you might feel.

5. Set Clear Boundaries.

Putting in place the proper boundaries to protect means you take more of a
confrontational approach, as you let the narcissist know what you are
willing to take and what you are not.
Setting boundaries doesn’t always seem easy to learn, but it can be learned
as a skill with constant practice.

To start setting clear boundaries for yourself:

1. You need to know the things you are not comfortable with in
relationships. Anything that makes you feel discomfort, anger, or
resentment with an individual may be because your limits have been
crossed by that individual. A list of things you are not comfortable with will
change over time, and you need to re-assess yourself regularly.
2. After knowing the things that make you uncomfortable, it is right for you
to follow through on them, as being assertive is the way you let others
become aware that they are crossing your boundaries. Be direct in your
approach, and when the other person keeps violating your clearly stated
boundary then you can tell them they are disrespecting you and ignore them
from that point on.
An excellent way to set a boundary with the narcissist is to put it in writing
and keep a copy pasted where the narcissist will always see it. Also, put
into writing the consequences of what will happen when the narcissist
violates your boundaries.
You are setting clear boundaries to protect yourself from further abuse.
6. Re-Build Your Sense of Identity.
Emotional abuse by a narcissist can make you lose your sense of self and
your self-worth. Rebuilding means you have to let go of the old self that
was manipulated and abused and start to invest in a brand new you.
Wake up every morning and visualize your future self for a set-aside
number of minutes. Hold on to this future self as you proceed with your
daily activities and believe you can truly be that better version of yourself.
It means to quit holding the narcissist responsible for your worth, whoever
they might be, so you become reliant on yourself for your own happiness.
You will make it your mission to self-actualize your development past the
recent abuse and pick up the pieces of yourself that you were forced to give
away by looking up to the narcissist to grant you love, approval, and
security.
These six ways are to empower you to take back full control of your life.
Some of these ways help in personal and work relationships while others
are ways to disarm the narcissists in personal relationships.
In most cases, almost everyone has either worked for a narcissistic boss or
been exposed to one in some working situations, and not only bosses alone
can be narcissists at work co-workers, and subordinates can be too.
Most times, it's an unforgettable encounter to associate with narcissists at
work as they are people who are so outrageously self-absorbed, conceited
and self-obsessed that they are quick to take praise for the efforts of others
and also quick to lay the blame on others when things go wrong.
Narcissistic co-workers and subordinates at work will only work hard when
they know someone else is watching.
A narcissistic boss, on the other hand, invests a great measure of their
energy contemplating accomplishing significant impact, and achievement.
Therefore, they have a propensity to lie and overstate reality to feel
vainglorious. A narcissistic boss will never think they're the problem. A
narcissistic boss will always have a scapegoat to blame when something
goes wrong.
Since your job is essential, it is best you know how to handle narcissists at
work if you can’t attempt to change your job. By understanding the best
way to react to things at work, you will be able to protect yourself from
abuse. Here are the ways you can empower yourself at work to shield
yourself from narcissistic conduct:
7. Know that narcissists can never change.
To adapt to a working environment where there are narcissistic co-workers
or bosses, you need to accept the fact that narcissists don’t change easily.
The chances are high that they're never going to change, and they're never
going to be anything but difficult to work with. This awareness will go a
long way in protecting you when you hear gaslighting phrases.
Everybody can change in the event that they need to. However, one of the
severe issues with narcissists is that since they never accept they have an
issue, they have no inspiration to change.
Be that as it may, narcissists represent a fascinating problem. One of the
signs of narcissism is a failure to be self-aware, and this unawareness of
themselves leads to their belief in the fact that nothing is wrong with them
and they are never the problem in any relationship.
Narcissists are also amazingly self-absorbed and will, in general,
overestimate their achievements. They have a hard time taking criticism and
assume no liability for their own emotions or actions, and often times resort
to anger when they don’t get what they want.

8. Manage your thoughts and actions with emotional intelligence

Narcissists at work will always like to get under your skin. They get a
mental high when they shame you, embarrass you, disgrace you or call you
out and when you react without thinking first, they feel they have power
over you. The most terrible thing you can do with a narcissist is to get in a
war of words with them. Instead, figure out how to react in a way that keeps
you responsible for choices and decisions.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage one’s emotions very well.
Emotional intelligence is about self-awareness, self-control, empathy, and
working as a team with others. These are parts of emotional intelligence
that you must learn how to practice from day to day at work, to effectively
manage your own reactions until you can get away from the reach of the
narcissist.
Self-awareness is all about knowing your triggers and your emotions, along
with your strengths and weaknesses. Self-control means you can manage
your own emotions and strive to achieve balance in what you do. Empathy
doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with your co-workers, subordinates, or
bosses, but it means you see their thoughts and emotions for what it is and
understand and appreciate them.
Working as a team means you find common ground with those around you
(it is often hard to find common ground with the narcissist).
On the off chance that you feel caught in a web of a fight with a narcissist,
step away, and control yourself, and remember that the narcissist's behavior
and words are a reflection of who they are
9. Set Clear Boundaries at Work too
Set clear limits. Set a firm limit wherever you need one and stick to it.
Setting boundaries is totally healthy as it helps you put restrictions on how
others can behave to you. It is being assertive and standing up for yourself
when you need to.
Set boundaries for what you will accept and what you won't starting from
your first day at the job.
Keep in mind, limits aren't intended to control others, they are just
guidelines for others to know and to realize what is and isn't worthy when it
comes to you.
10. Double-check everything.
Double-check everything. A narcissist will consistently depict themselves
as an unfortunate casualty who is guiltless in all aspects, and at any point
when reality upsets them (which is regularly) they're brisk to trade reality
for lies and misleading statements.
Whether you have a narcissistic boss or co-worker or subordinate at work,
be prepared to do a ton of fact checking.
11. Stay Focused on What is Important
Remain concentrated on what's significant. You have to hold on to what
your purpose at being in a particular job is for when things get messy with
your boss or co-workers.
Working with a narcissist boss implies a steady pull to play by their rules
and principles as everything revolves around them, with no responsibility or
accountability when things turn out badly. It's difficult to not feel angry,
frustrated and disappointed when you work around these personalities and
when things are not going as expected. That is the point at which you need
to make a step back and reconnect with your motivation for being at work.
12. Refuse to Encourage Bad Behavior
A narcissistic boss will always have a steady need to be respected by others.
Know a narcissist’s awful conduct comes from their insecurities, and that
the more bad behavior they show, the more insecure they are. So, refuse to
feed their egos by promoting their bad behaviors because if you do, they
will only get worse.
The same holds for your co-workers and subordinates. Try not to engage
the individuals who don't merit it. Do not encourage bad behaviors.
Simply carry out your responsibilities with respect and integrity. When you
do, you'll be seen as one of the normal ones at work.
It might be easy to think that you can just drop the narcissist and move on
with your life, but sometimes it is far easier said than done. You need to
know how to disarm a narcissist to make living and working with them
tolerable.
It is essential you know that you can't change a narcissist. The best you can
do is to protect yourself from abuse and take control of your own life.
 Chapter 9 – Gaslighting Repellent | How to Shut
Down a Narcissist
N arcissists don't process or experience feelings how healthy individuals
do, and this is reflected in their damaging conduct. All things
considered, you can't react to a narcissist in the way you may react to other
individuals and anticipate a comparable result. The narcissist sees their
conduct as ordinary. They control, exploit, and carry around a
misrepresented sense of self-importance that makes them genuinely believe
that they are generally morally justified. Every other person is the issue.
Due to this and many of their numerous character issues and psychological
maladjustments, the narcissist leaves casualties of destroying maltreatment
in their wake.
To shut down a narcissist, you have to see how they experience, process,
and respond to emotions, and everybody in their environment. A narcissist
will poke at your vulnerabilities as they try to manipulate you, and therefore
it is necessary to know and own your weaknesses before you can shut down
a narcissist.
When a narcissist says something critical about a vulnerability of yours, it
puts you into a mode of defense, you feel threatened, and you can’t think
through the solution to the problem at hand.
Entering defense mode, psychologists say comes from the need to protect
ourselves when we face a threatening situation, as the rational part of the
brain is totally shut in this mode, and only our survival matters.
In our relations with others, it is not often necessary to enter defense mode,
but the narcissist is always self-absorbed as they seek to fulfill only their
own needs always. Narcissists are always on defense mode and will attempt
to put the people around them in this mode, which results in two people
who are too occupied with protecting themselves instead of logically
tackling a problem.
Now let's take a look at the common types of vulnerability themes. Here
you will identify the ones the narcissist has been exploiting to make you
think you are crazy:
Abandonment. This is a familiar feeling that the people in your life will
not be there for you. You feel you can't count on your parents, your siblings,
or people close to you for emotional support. It is a feeling of fear that the
important people in your life will leave you.
Abandonment can be a form of anxiety, and the loss of people is a
characteristic of life, whether it is the end of a relationship or passing on of
a loved one.
Be that as it may, individuals with abandonment issues live in dread of
losing people. They may likewise unintentionally do things that push
individuals to leave so they're never surprised when people leave them.
A fear of abandonment isn’t a recognized condition in mental health, per se.
Instead, it’s considered a type of fear and is treated as such. Some indicators
of this kind of vulnerability are:
You feel your parents won't be there when you need them.
You feel your siblings or close friends won't be there for you.
You continuously need assurance from friends and loved ones, and
you urge them to make statements like “I will always be there for
you.”

Shame. This is a psychological feeling of inadequateness, that you are not

good enough or inferior to others, that others won't love who you are and
will always reject you.
Shame has to do with the negative feelings we have about ourselves, which
are triggered whenever we are disappointed or when we get tested by a
challenging situation.
Shame is one of the most dominant feelings that we feel as humans. It can
make us cut off social connections, fuel our addictions, and sink us into a
pit of depression. It might even lead to suicide in some cases.
For many individuals, shame is a feeling they feel to a shifting degree
consistently.
How do you recognize this kind of vulnerability?
You are feeling insecure around others, you think you are too
tall, too short, not intelligent enough, etc.
Whenever you figure you've accomplished something
incorrectly or you don't know something, you feel slightly
awkward in social situations.
You can’t take constructive feedback and criticism, and you
are always reacting.
 You fear others will hurt you if you get too close to them.

Pessimism. Is a general view that everything is wrong with you and with
the world. When your outlook to the world we live in is negative,
individuals who incline toward pessimism may likewise feel defenseless
and accept that any moves made are probably not going to generate a
positive result. Pessimism makes individuals believe themselves to be
passive beings on the planet and to a great extent, will attribute any chance
of accomplishment to factors that can't be controlled.
You think life is always full of pain and disappointment.
When the phone rings, you assume the caller will be a bill
collector.
You fail to recognize the positive aspects of life.
You fear to make mistakes because of the catastrophic events
that’d happen after your mistakes.

Self-Sacrifice is the belief that the needs of others should come at the
expense of your own needs.
You think that it is better to sacrifice your own needs, or desires
for someone else.
You like to prevent others from feeling pain to avoid the guilt of
being selfish.
If you have any of these vulnerabilities, it might be difficult for you to see
things with a rational mind and from a logical point of view when you are
in conflict with a narcissist. By taking into account your own
vulnerabilities, you give the narcissist less power to control your emotions.
The narcissist's conduct is not the slightest bit your fault. Nobody has the
right to be controlled, utilized, and abused. Despite this fact, the narcissist
will regularly make you really believe that you are at fault, and you do
deserve to be abused.
All things considered, it's vital to note that a relationship is a two-way road,
like the biological example of a parasite and a host. The parasite can't work
without its host. You will need to do some self-reflection to make sense of
what you're getting from your relationship with the narcissist.
Sometimes, your physical home or family may be at stake. In different
cases, the narcissist's attention on you may be, to some degree, soothing –
regardless of how destructive this attention gets. Perhaps you like specific
characteristics or have tender memories with the narcissist, or maybe in
spite of everything you believe they can truly change.
You have to access whatever emotional vulnerabilities you carry, assess
them before pushing ahead so you can close down a narcissist for good.
Therefore, when a narcissist comes and pushes a button on any of your
vulnerabilities, give yourself space to catch your breath and interrupt you
going into defense mode, since you are now aware of your weaknesses.
You can gain control of your emotions with empowering thoughts or
sayings like:
“I will take a moment to calm myself down so I can respond to this (event)
rationally.”
“I deserve to be listened to and respected, even if I feel bad this very
minute, this (event) is not through any fault of mine.”
If you have a personal relationship with the narcissist, phrases like these
will help you:
“I suggest that we postpone this conversation until you have had a chance to
calm down.”
“It is clear that you are used to taking charge and having things go your
way, but it’s not okay for you to dismiss my opinions and feelings.”
When you adjust your mindset instead of being defensive, you can respond
assertively. In professional situations, you can say these phrases to help
calm the situation:
“I’m ready to work this out with you, but I am not willing to be insulted by
you.”
“I would like to maintain a respectful working relationship with you, but
I’m concerned with….”
“You are entitled to your opinion.”
“We see things differently.”
“I can see you that you feel very strongly about this.”
“Let’s talk when you are feeling calmer and ready to stop yelling.”
However, it is by a wide margin the best answer to repelling a narcissist is
the one that we should all acknowledge more frequently.
Narcissists don’t have empathy for others, and put little effort into making
people around them hopeless and miserable. In half a month to a couple of
months, they can make everyone around them hopeless. Furthermore,
narcissism is difficult to change. Thus, if at all possible, simply keep
yourself away from the narcissist.
Don’t for one moment think you are smarter than the narcissist. Just keep
distance if you can.
 Chapter 10 – Gaslighting Through Technology |
How Narcissists Employ Smart Devices
N ew advances in technology have aided the production of new smart
devices like connected thermostats, electronic keypad locks, audio
players and security cameras, just to name a few, that can be operated
remotely using smartphones. Technological companies make these smart
products, and these products were designed to be operated remotely to help
people remotely supervise their homes and control their devices when they
are at work or on vacation.
There has been a rise in the number of people who call helplines for help
after discovering that various smart devices around their homes are
behaving in unusual ways. Smart devices were designed to make lives more
comfortable and give humans more peace of mind, but they can be turned
against humans when their control is placed in the hands of abusive
individuals.
Placing the control of these smart home products in the hands of abusive
individuals can be detrimental for many reasons, and one of these reasons is
that the control of these products can give the abuser the power to turn
technology against others.
Also, the idea of owning a smart home with interconnected smart devices is
now being accepted by the millions over the world, and sooner or later,
more products will be interconnected, which means that there will be an
abundance of technology soon in our society that could be potentially used
for abuse.
Smart home devices can be used by a gaslighting narcissist to make the
victim question their sanity, because of the ease of control of these devices
in most cases, as they were designed to be controlled remotely.
Of course, narcissists who engage in gaslighting are often brilliant people
who are going to find a way of using these new technologies to manipulate
people mentally and gain control over them.
A gaslighting narcissist can manipulate with smart electronic devices, and
since they can be operated remotely, a narcissist can lock their victims out
of the house, control house temperature, turn off lights, close windows and
doors and use home security cameras to spy on victims.
These are just a few ways in which a narcissist might use technology to aid
their mental manipulation and abuse. The gaslighting narcissist might turn
the television on and off or mess with the thermostat and of course when
they are confronted about what is happening, they can say the usual phrases
they use in gaslighting:
“Why would I do that?”
“I didn’t do that. Are you sure you are okay?”
It is good to examine the words and actions of people you are in
relationships with, particularly when you think you're going crazy because
your smart home lock no longer opens for you or the temperature in the
house comes down to a freezing point or rises to sweltering heat, the
television starts playing annoying content, or music randomly starts to play
at high volumes at odd hours. Someone around you might be trying to use
smart devices to make you think you are crazy.
On mobile smartphones, apps designed for monitoring children’s phones
can be installed on a partner’s phone for spying on them without their
consent, and in the same vein, keystroke tracking on a computer, or remote
monitoring of the computer, can also be used to by a narcissist to play tricks
with the victim.
As people who constantly seek attention and validation from others, the
narcissist can use cellphones as a tool to keep people focused on them.
Narcissists want to converse with you when they wish to and paying little
heed to how sensible it is to call you at some points of your day, they will
go ahead and call you. More than once, until you answer, if necessary.
In the case of calling your cellphone to no avail, they start sending you
texts. When a narcissist starts to message you, they may already be angry at
the fact that you weren't there when they needed to converse with you.
At the same time, a gaslighting narcissist will use technology such as a cell
phone to manipulate. For example, a narcissist will intentionally avoid your
calls or your texts to make you start wondering what they are up to. Also,
they might answer you in one word when they pick up your call, just to put
you off balance and instill doubts or fear in you.
In official scenarios, software packages like photoshop can be used in
gaslighting. The narcissist will stop at nothing to undermine you at work
and may photoshop to falsify bank exchange papers, official documents and
so forth, and then you come into the office and start wondering how on
earth you have acquired such papers. Even credit card charges can be
falsified, and you will begin to wonder where you have made a particular
purchase unknowingly.
Gadgets like webcams can also be used by a narcissist, as narcissists are
control freaks and a webcam makes it easy for them to spy into victims’
lives. Webcams can be employed to follow the routines and activities of
every minute by the narcissist, which, in turn, will give them an unlimited
supply of videos which they can play again and again to get pieces of
information to use in controlling you.
Strategies for dealing with gaslighting through technology:
1. Choose a secure password for your phone, and other password enabled
devices and change them in the event of a break-up or fight in a
relationship. A narcissistic ex-spouse or lover can use this to collect
information for manipulative purposes.
2. Contact your phone provider to help check your device for any spyware
or tracking devices to check if there are no issues with your device and
if your phone provider can’t do something like this, it is advisable to
get a new phone entirely and start afresh.
Remember that narcissists are very often intelligent people. Their goal is to
cause victims to feel uncomfortable, and to make them feel out of control
with their lives. In the years to come, technology will even make things
easier for the narcissist, so if you ever find yourself in a position that makes
you feel uncomfortable, do all you can to ensure you are safe.
 Chapter 11 – How to deal with the Effects of
Gaslighting
T he most insidious thing about gaslighting is that it denies the victim of
reality, telling them they didn’t see what they just saw with their own
eyes, or they didn’t hear what they thought they heard by telling them their
perceptions of what is right is wrong.
Countless people over the globe have fallen victims to this unique form of
abuse at one point or the other in their lives and having survived the ordeal,
they choose to share their experience with others, and by doing so, they
disclose how they managed to cope with the awful situation.
Ariel Leve is a renowned survivor of narcissistic childhood abuse, and in
her childhood memoir, she tells of how she grew up with a narcissistic
mother and the horrible abuses she went through. She is just one of the
countless people who have survived narcissistic abuse and manipulation.
In interviews and talks, she shares four strategies she used to deal with the
abuse with others and we will further those strategies by adding plans from
other survivors to throw light upon how to deal with gaslighting and help
the victims cope with the situation.

1. Remaining Defiant.
Remaining defiant means holding on to your story of the abuse. It means
trusting your own version of events and not allowing them to be altered on
demand. A narcissist will try to bully you into accepting their own version
of reality but trust your version of the real world.
Being defiant also means you realize what makes a difference to you, and
you don't allow it to be adjusted or meddled with by anybody. It is tuning in
to your own internal voice that knows better than anything said by another
person.
You don't have to argue or contend with the narcissist —you just need to
stand by your choices with absolute confidence.
Remaining defiant also makes you resilient in the face of abuse.

2. Accepting the fact that there will never be accountability

on the part of a narcissist
There is no way the narcissist will ever take responsibility for their actions,
as they don’t know how to acknowledge their misdeeds as they are not
people who can apply logic and reason to a situation.
You on your own part should keep a good record of events as they happen,
for a narcissist will never acknowledge the fact that they are using
gaslighting tactics to manipulate you.
If you speculate you are a victim of gaslighting, recording everything that
has been said and done to you by the abuser is an excellent method to know
who is truly right and what is truly right.
Writing things down, particularly exchanges that occur between you and the
narcissist provides a solid defense for you when you are being manipulated
to think against what is right.
Written proof of any faulty exchange is solid protection against anybody
attempting to pull the wool over your eyes and will enable you to
comprehend reality when you're being questioned.

3. Letting go of the wish for things to be different

Your hope for the narcissist to change can never prevail. Wishing for things
to be changed is hoping that after a while, the narcissist will come to use
reason and logic in dealing with you.
Also, after cycles of failed promises, a narcissist will still come around to
promise that the bad things they do will never happen again. If you truly
wish for things to be different, you’d see how the narcissist is manipulating
you with the promises.
A gaslighting narcissist will always move the ground you stand on, and you
have to stop wishing they would change their nature or events will turn out
differently later. You have got to accept the situation and assess the ways
you can seek to empower yourself.

4. Developing a healthy detachment

Detaching from the gaslighting situation doesn’t mean total detachment
from real life, it just recognizes the difference in the world of the narcissist
and the real world.
A healthy detachment means you don’t need the narcissist to validate what
reality is for you, and it involves developing healthy coping mechanisms,
and writing is one of the ways to do this.
Sure, some certain circumstances will make you remain in close association
with a narcissist, but really, the best choice for you might be to abandon the
relationship altogether. You can't change a narcissist, and if there is a
chance that the gaslighting narcissist doesn’t alter their injurious conduct,
then leaving the relationship for your psychological and emotional
wellbeing is your best choice.
Try not to let the narcissist persuade you that things will be extraordinary if
you stay or that you are just overreacting to issues. Once again asking you
to stay might be another pointer to gaslighting as a person who truly wants
to change will recognize their wrongdoings and apologize for their bad
behavior and will be willing to put efforts into making the relationship
work.

5. Confiding in a Trusted Support System

You can always count on a trusted friend, a loved one or a professional if
you suspect a narcissist is gaslighting you. By opening up to someone, you
get to check and validate your reality.
Not only is opening up to a trusted person an added form of documentation,
opening up to trusted people can help you understand what is happening to
you better and also help you gain the courage to walk away.
Build up your own emotionally supportive network.
You need other individuals throughout life who can affirm your reality and
self-worth. Gaslighting narcissists often try to isolate their victims to remain
in charge.
Gaslighting narcissists might even go further into manipulating you to think
they are the only people who care about you and understand you perfectly.
Don’t believe their lies. Spend time with loved ones. Check out your
thoughts, feelings, and perceptions by talking to them.
Get professional help in the event that you need it. Victims of gaslighting
frequently lose trust in their own thoughts and emotions and end up
apprehensively double-checking themselves all the time.
Sometimes, you may sink into depression, and you will definitely need the
help of a licensed professional to help you recover from the insidious
effects of gaslighting.
 6. Dismissing Self-blame
It is imperative to know that narcissists have psychological issues they are
not willing to address and thus can project their wounds onto other people
and become harmful and harsh to them. It is pertinent to note that how they
treat you is an impression of how they feel about themselves.
The dismal truth is that your abuser may never acknowledge or concede
what they were doing. For the most part since they don't believe they're
doing anything incorrectly.
All you can do is recall that there's nothing you could have done any other
way. Rational thinking doesn't work with a gaslighter.
You should not bear the responsibility. Comprehend that their wrong ways
aren't your shortcoming.
While the reason for gaslighting is to wear you out, it's essential to remain
as defiant and careful as you can. When you truly understand what
gaslighting is, you also get to know your options, and you're nearer to the
enlightening reality of your circumstance so you can choose what's best for
you.
The essence of these strategies is for you to realize that the narcissist
eventually needs control of your life, and this is the reason why they seek to
keep you away from making your life as autonomous and independent as
could be expected under the circumstances.
Put the time into your own interests and friends. Be as dedicated to your
own life as you are with your relationship.
 Chapter 12 – Can Narcissists Trick Intelligent
People?
G aslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used by the
narcissist to make victims count on them for perceptions of the world.
Narcissists are often intelligent people who use gaslighting to try to take
control of their victim’s thoughts and emotions.
Gaslighting is done in the subtlest of ways and so the signs are easy to miss.
The way gaslighting is carried out is the reason why smart people can easily
fall victim to this favorite weapon of the narcissist.
So why does gaslighting work so well on intelligent people?
Well, gaslighting works on the most intelligent people for several reasons:
1. Intelligent people often possess the tendency to project
their own morality, empathy, and conscience onto others.
Most intelligent people have the tendency to project their qualities of
empathy and good conscience onto others. They believe other people will
act with the highest moral standards too.

They are emphatic people who feel other peoples’ feelings strongly. They
walk into the room and immediately spread good energy, and so their
genuine feelings for others often lead them to the error of believing that
everyone has true feelings for others too.
Intelligent people will assume the best about everyone, and this belief will
mean they do not easily see that they are being manipulated.
2. Narcissists naturally gravitate to those who have the
qualities they admire.
Too often, intelligent people attract narcissists not only because of their
intelligence but also because of other qualities they may possess.
A wealthy, beautiful, emphatic and intelligent woman might, for example,
be a “goal” for the narcissist since the narcissist is always about what they
want: a successful and intelligent woman might look like an extra source of
income to the narcissist.
The more successful an intelligent person is, the more they would look like
objects to be captured by a narcissist, and it is natural for the narcissist to
seek control of successful people so that they can have what they have.
 3. Past trauma conditions intelligent people into associating
love with abuse
This is also not only true for smart people, and also it doesn’t apply to most
smart people, but in some cases, victims of childhood traumas can carry
their wounds into adulthood.
When the wounds of past hurts are not healed, the intelligent adult often
tolerates abusive behavior and confuse it with love.
4. Human vulnerabilities have nothing to do with the
rational mind.
Narcissists sense the voids in other peoples’ lives and will come into the life
of intelligent people like they came to fill the void.
They do this with love bombing and showering intelligent people with great
attention. A vulnerable person will read no ulterior motive behind the
attention they receive, particularly if the narcissist comes into their lives at
the point where they are not feeling hopeful, maybe because of the loss of a
dear one or some other kind of misfortune.
The problem with vulnerabilities is that even intelligent people might have
a feeling of being manipulated, but these rational feelings are ignored
because the narcissist is filling a particular need or longing.
Through degrading cycles of abuse, intelligent people may not realize that
they are being tricked because their vulnerabilities may outweigh their
intelligence.
5. Gaslighting narcissists have a lifetime’s worth of training
Indeed, even the most intelligent of people can fall victim when they meet a
narcissist. Narcissists are in general enchanting individuals who can trick
even judges, law enforcement authorities and specialists.
Narcissists have always been the manipulators they are since childhood, and
over time, they might have come to refine their manipulative tactics, so
when they encounter intelligent people, they find it easy to capture them.
It is crucial to note that nobody is genuinely, ever totally invulnerable to
being an object of abuse for a narcissist. The narcissist will get their way
with intelligent people with:
1. Twisted Truths.
This is one of the most common ways that narcissists manipulate smart
people. They either gloss over the truth, or they blatantly deny the truth. In
a bid to get their needs met, it is shocking that they will go to any extent.
A narcissist will make a statement or a promise and deny it even in the
same breath. They can pretend that the truth isn’t what it is and
conveniently put it on the smart people that it was an overreaction on their
part, or a bad memory or a need for unnecessary drama.

2. Guilt-tripping.
Another thing narcissists love to do when they are gaslighting and
manipulating intelligent people is to lay guilt on them. Guilt is a go-to tactic
many narcissists uses without anyone realizing it. Guilt is very subtle, and
a lot of times, even people outside the gaslighting situation won't see it.
The narcissist might perform a subtle action or say a phrase or hold their
body in a certain way to keep the victim in check-in social situations. This
keeps the victim in a constant state of anxiety and fear. The narcissist will
deny if anything concerning the awkward behavior comes up in later
conversation.
Narcissists are really good at making their victims believe they didn’t
experience what they did, or they made up something in their heads.
3. Kill the Messenger
Here is another thing narcissists do to gaslight and manipulate intelligent
people: they ask smart people to “kill the messenger”.
What does the phrase mean?
Narcissists, as controlling individuals, have a tendency to use other people
as messengers or the mediators for some of the aspects of the victim’s life.
Without concern for anyone involved, these abusive set of humans will use
various people to send victims hurtful messages or to blame victims for
their issues.
Many times, people will walk up to the victims and state that they are
concerned about the victim's problems and will express themselves in a way
everyone passing by will hear them. Most times, this leads to people
coming around the victim and trying to offer support in genuine ways.
Unknown to the intelligent victim, these concerned individuals are just
playing their parts in a script written by the narcissist.
So, what the narcissist is doing mostly is to employ “messenger” people
who mean well and have no negative intention for the victim and tell them a
lie that the victim is having a big problem. Of course, they are doing such
things to deflect responsibility and further isolate and control their victims.
 4. Passive aggressiveness
Narcissists are infamous for loving the passive-aggressive manipulation
tactic. They have a knack for hitting victims where it hurts, and they will
find and exploit the weak spots of intelligent people, so it's easier to make
them feel guilty. This, of course, is where the narcissistic injury part comes
in: the narcissist will then pretend to be the victim.
At the point of playing the victim, intelligent people feel sorry for them, and
even if they don’t feel sorry and go with the narcissist's charade, the
narcissist will cry and whine and moan and act pathetic just to get what they
want.
They will even go so far as to accuse intelligent people of being abusers,
insensitive, mean and hateful. They project themselves onto the victim.
People are just extensions and objects to narcissists, even the people who
are the closest to them. They literally do not care. They're users who don’t
mind using their friends and other family members to get what they want
and to hurt others.
5. Fear and intimidation
The other tactic narcissists use on intelligent people is fear and intimidation.
They might just resort to anger and threats in their words in order to
manipulate and intimidate the victim. It is a well-known fact that narcissists
are good at using anger and fear to coerce the people in their lives. They use
threats and angry outbursts to make victims feel uncomfortable and upset
6. Head stepping
Another behavior a narcissist will use to manipulate you is what is called
head stepping. A narcissist is very likely to belittle victims to try to bring
them down to their own level. They are insecure people who feel threatened
by intelligence and will use head stepping to make their victim bad in other
people’s eyes. The main goal of head stepping is to make the victim feel
inferior and easier to control. They criticize you and tear down victims to
make them feel inferior because by doing that it makes them feel superior.
 Conclusion
T hank you for coming this far.
I want you to know that you (or someone you know) can make it to the
other side to independence and freedom.
Gaslighting is the favorite tool of a narcissist, and a narcissist will seek to
keep you under control by gradually eroding every bit of your sanity.
Doubting your own senses is in no way healthy for you, and you have to be
aware of how narcissists operate to avoid the mess of dealing with them in
your future relationships.
Many people have fallen victims to narcissistic abuse in general and
gaslighting to be more specific and have made it to the other side.
I wrote this book to help you find your own real voice against this special
form of abuse (gaslighting), and I am cheering you on because I know what
you have been through and what you are going through.
In this book, essential issues like identifying gaslighting behaviors and
learning how to deal with the narcissist who seeks control were discussed in
full detail. Cognitive dissonance and other effects of gaslighting acts were
also discussed with concrete examples.
The effects of gaslighting might linger for a very long time in the psyche of
victims, and as the saying goes, “prevention is better than cure”. I have
written this book so that you are fully aware of gaslighting as a
manipulative tool and I hope you don’t fall victim to this manipulative
behavior.
Do not read this book alone and put it aside. Touch the lives of others with
what you have learned, get copies for people you know are going through
the ordeal and don’t forget to provide all the support you can when you can.
In the event that you have been a victim at one time or you are just
recovering from abuse, or you have just gained awareness that you are
being manipulated with gaslighting in one of your relationships, I have
discussed various ways of handling the situation in the book and I hope you
learn a thing or two.
We live in the 21st century, a century which is famed for the advancements
technology has brought, and we have seen how narcissists use smart
devices in gaslighting and how they are increasingly picking up new tools
to cause harm to people.
No one is immune to the tricks of narcissists, and even intelligent people
can fall prey to gaslighting.
Also, we were able to take a journey away from the home and personal
relationships to work and the community at large, as narcissists are a part of
society and knowing how to deal with them wherever you encounter them
is a skill you should seek to cultivate.
Earlier on in the introduction, I promised you an informative and
enlightening book about gaslighting. I hope that the chapters of this book
addressed every issue of concern of yours about gaslighting.
Millions and millions of people around the world are finding their real
voice against gaslighting and are now enlightening more people about the
damaging effects of gaslighting. It is no understatement when I repeat that
countless people have fallen victim to this form of abuse at one point or the
other in their lives.
The good news is there are countless survivors who have fought their way
through depression and other devastating effects of gaslighting and are now
living healthy lives. I believe that with the proper management techniques,
any victim can get over the emotional abuse and mental manipulation to go
on and lead a productive and fulfilling life.
My thoughts are with you, and you can find strength in the fact that you can
make it through the trying times. Use that strength to carry yourself through
until you find your true self again.
You will make it eventually, I promise you. Know that you are not alone in
dealing with gaslighting and emotional abuse.
The next step is to get all the help you can, find a support group, and start
making plans for your own self.
So please, remember that Inner Strength + Emotional
Support + Plan = Independence and Freedom.
You can do this.
I wish you the best of luck as you move forward to a happy chapter of your
life.
Finally, if you have enjoyed this book, then I’d like to ask you for one little
favor, would you be kind enough to leave a review for this book on
Amazon?
Thank you, and good luck!
 Dealing with
a Narcissist
Disarming and becoming the narcissist's nightmare. Understanding
Narcissism & Narcissistic personality disorder. Healing after hidden
psychological and emotional abuse

By Dr. Theresa J. Covert

 Introduction to Narcissism
C ongratulations on purchasing Dealing with a Narcissist and thank
you for doing so.
The following chapters will discuss various tips and tricks that can help you
deal with narcissistic people in your personal life and your career, but
before we go into that, let’s briefly introduce the concept of narcissism.
The term "narcissist' can be used to describe a fairly wide range of people.
Narcissism could be manifested in a mild form in a leader who is charming
and charismatic, but also a bit egotistical. On the other end of the spectrum,
it could be manifested in a person with a "narcissistic personality disorder."
Such a person would be grandiose to the extent that he/she gets violently
angry if you don't give him/her attention or admiration.
The fact is that narcissism exists on a spectrum and even the nicest people
tend to have mild narcissistic tendencies. For this book, we will be
discussing how to deal with the sort of people in whom narcissism is
manifested as a major personality trait.
We mistakenly attach the "narcissist" label on people who have high self-
esteem, or people who talk with great pride about their careers or their
personal lives. Such people aren't necessarily narcissists in the clinical sense
of the word.
Narcissistic people are those who feel that they are special (more than
anyone else around them), that they deserve a lot of appreciation just for
giving us the time of day, but most significantly, they have a diminished
sense of empathy towards others. Narcissists also have lots of other
negative attributes that branch out from these main ones, and those
attributes make them incapable of fulfilling other people's needs in
relationships.
Narcissists aren't oblivious of the fact that they are self-centered. They are
consciously aware of their selfishness, but they truly believe that the
selfishness is warranted because after all, they think they are special.
Narcissists expect people to give them special treatment, so they actively
manipulate and control people to ensure that they satisfy that need. Therein
lays the problem for most people. If you have narcissists in your life, you
can rest assured that they will try to get you to give them special treatment,
because they just can't help it.
If you want to avoid ending up under the thumb of a narcissist, then reading
this book is a great first step for you.
There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for
choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much
useful information as possible; please enjoy!
 Chapter 1: Understanding
the Mind of a Narcissist

T here is a common misconception that narcissists are people who love

themselves a lot. In actual sense, they are people who love the way
other people perceive them, and some of them actually dislike or even
loathe themselves. The terms ‘narcissism' and ‘narcissist' come from the
name ‘Narcissus.' Narcissus is a character in Greek Mythology. He was a
handsome hunter who was cursed by the gods to live without human love,
and in the end, he could only fall in love with a reflection of himself. Like
the original Narcissus, people with narcissistic personality traits don’t fall in
love with other people, but they instead fall in love with versions of
themselves that you mirror back to them.
Narcissists are known for self-flattery. They often brag about everything,
and they are insistent on making themselves seem superior to everyone else
around them. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they love who they are, or
that they are striving for perfection in order to better themselves. More
often than not, the vocal self-assuredness and the arrogance is usually a
cover for a deep self-hatred that they aren’t willing to open up about.
Some narcissists aren't even willing to admit their self-loathing to
themselves, so they live under the delusion that they are better than
everyone else and that they are immune to the shortcomings that everyone
else suffers from, or that they are above almost everything. To most of
them, arrogance is, in fact, a way to cope with their own shortcomings.
Narcissists tend to treat others with a lot of disdain, but that disdain is
meant to conceal jealousy. If someone else is the center of attention, you
can be sure that the narcissist will try to one-up him/her, and if that is not
possible, the narcissist will try to criticize the person or diminish the
accomplishment in one way or the other.
Narcissists often look outwards in their criticism of others, but they are very
afraid to look inward to examine their own talents and attributes. Deep
within, narcissists know that the truth about their own condition is quite
devastating. They will make claims about how good they are at something,
or how better they are than other people, but they will do everything
necessary to prevent you from examining their claims too closely.
From an emotional standpoint, narcissists are dead inside. There is an
emotional emptiness in them, and they are often looking to fill that
emptiness with external validation. If you are around a narcissist or you are
in a relationship with one, all they are going to do is seek constant
validation from you. When they lie to make they seem smarter or more
accomplished, it’s in service of seeking respect and validation from you. If
they keep trying to manipulate you emotionally, it’s because they want to
control the way you perceive them for the purposes of validation. If they
react angrily or violently in certain situations, it’s because they feel like
they are not getting the validation they were hoping to get from you at that
point in time.
The irony is that although narcissists are always looking for validation, they
can never give it to other people. You know that human relationships are
based on reciprocity, so if you give validation to someone, they are more
likely to give it back to you. Narcissists want you to validate them, but they
will never validate you (unless they are trying to manipulate you).
Narcissists are incapable of appreciating love, so if you express love (or any
other positive emotion) towards them, they will either alienate you or they
will trample all over that love.
To fully understand the narcissistic mind, let's look at the diagnostic criteria
that are used by mental health professionals and psychologists to identify
them. Here are the nine main characteristics of narcissists:
1. They feel a high level of self-importance, and they often exaggerate
their capabilities and their accomplishments.
2. They dream of having unlimited control, power, attractiveness,
intelligence, and success.
3. They think they are special and one-of-a-kind and they want to be
associated with high-class people or entities.
4. They are always looking to be excessively admired.
5. They are always looking for special treatment, and they always
expect you to comply with their wishes or demands.
6. They won't hesitate to take advantage of your for their own personal
gains.
7. They don't empathize with others. It’s always about them, so they
won't go out of their way to accommodate your needs.
8. They are always jealous of others, and they wrongly believe that
others are jealous of them.
9. They are very arrogant, in both their words and their actions.
Now, we all may have one or more of these traits in us, but narcissists are
those who tend to have most of these traits and to exhibit them constantly.
 Chapter 2: Identify the Type
of Narcissist You Are Dealing With

N arcissism manifests itself in many different ways, so there are many

types of narcissists. You can categorize narcissists according to the
way they act in relationships, or according to the traits that they manifest
more often. In this chapter, we will look at the five main types of
narcissists. If you spend a lot of time with a narcissistic person, you may
find that they show signs that fall under more than one of the categories we
will discuss in this chapter, but when you want to figure out which category
a particular narcissist falls under, always go with the one that covers his/her
most dominant traits. Here are the five main types of narcissists that you are
likely to deal with at some point in your life:

The Know-It-Alls

These are narcissists who believe that they are always the "smartest guy in
the room," and they are very concerned with making sure that everyone
knows it. They will give their opinion even when no one asked for it. They
will insist on being the center of the conversation, even if the topic under
discussion is clearly not in their area of expertise. They will often give you
advice that seems helpful in their minds but is of no actual value to you.
These narcissists also make for terrible listeners because, when it's your
turn to speak during the conversation, instead of paying attention to what
you are saying, they are always thinking about what to say next. They are
always ready and willing to offer you long lectures, just to let you know
how much they know, and they have a difficult time letting anyone else
speak.

The Grandiose Narcissists

These are the kind of narcissists that always wants to appear more
important and more influential than anyone else. They never shut up about
their accomplishments, and they are always trying to convince people that
they are more successful than they actually are. They are always looking to
gain the envy and the admiration of others.
These narcissists always believe that they are destined for greater things
than anyone else around, and they may act in a selfish way because they
believe their special status entitles them to preferential treatment. In fact,
they think that if they receive preferential treatment, it is in service of some
kind of social good. They believe that they belong at the top of the pyramid
of some sort of social hierarchy, whether it’s at work, or at home.
One interesting thing about grandiose narcissists is that sometimes, their
grandiosity can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some of them are more driven,
and also a bit charismatic as a result of their grandiosity. In the end, that
causes them to succeed. Sometimes, people may start to revere them, and
they may put them in positions of power.

The Seducers

These are narcissists who tend to manipulate people for their own benefit.
Unlike other narcissists, these ones may actually make you feel good about
yourself, but that feeling never actually lasts — it ends as soon as they get
what they want.
Seducers will start off by expressing admiration for you, but it’s always just
something that they think you want to hear, and the point is to get you to
offer them the same admiration so that they can take advantage of you.
Once the seducers have gotten what they want from you, they reveal their
true colors, and they pull the rug from under your feet. Such a person may
keep offering you compliments, but the moment you comply with their
request, they start giving you the cold shoulder.
If you are dealing with a person who keeps flattering you, try to see if
he/she does the same with everyone else. If the niceness is only directed
towards you, the reason could be that they are targeting you for
manipulation.

The Bullies

These narcissists work under the assumption that one builds himself or
herself up by tearing down or humiliating others. The purpose of bullying is
to assert one's superiority, and this kind of narcissist is really brutal in the
way he/she does this. We are not talking here about the school-yard bully –
the narcissistic bully is a lot more sophisticated than that (although his/her
methods may be somewhat similar to the ones of the school-yard bully).
This kind of narcissist treats others with contempt, in the hope that they will
feel like losers, allowing him/her to feel like a winner in the process. This is
the kind of person that will disparage you at every turn, and he will
undermine and pour cold water on all your efforts at self-improvement.
Their criticism is never constructive — it is meant to mock you and tell you
that you are not capable or worthy of improvement. When this type of
narcissist wants something from you, he/she doesn't ask for it, he/she
demands it; as though it’s something you owe him/her.

The Vindictive Narcissist

This is the kind of narcissist that is out to destroy you. This narcissist is
destructive by nature, and to him/her, everything and everyone that
challenges their superiority have to be brought down.
These narcissists tend to target people for reasons that the average person
would consider mundane. They hold grudges that are completely one-sided.
These are the kinds of people who think of you as their ultimate nemesis
just because you stepped on their toes by accident a few months ago.
The vindictive narcissist can't let anything go, no matter whom silly it may
seem to you. If it’s someone in your social circle, he/she could trash-talk
you to your friends or family (in your absence) just to make you look bad.
If it's a colleague, they may make up stuff about you in an attempt to get
you fired. If it's a former spouse, he/she can try to turn your kids against
you. They may pose as victims to make you look like some sort of predator,
or to make you look "crazy."
 Chapter 3: Create Boundaries with the Narcissist
and Stick to the Boundaries

Y ou have to know where to draw the line with the narcissistic person.
You have to decide beforehand what sort of behavior you are willing to
put up with, but you also need to have strict rules for yourself about the
things that you aren't willing to tolerate. Don't just go in with vague mental
boundaries. In fact, wherever you can, you should create clear, well-defined
boundaries, write them down, and do everything in your power to enforce
them. Unless you have clear boundaries, a narcissist will walk all over you,
and you will be stuck making excuses for his/her behavior.
One area where we have difficulty setting boundaries with narcissists is in
the amount of time and attention that we give to them. In our minds, we
always feel the need to stick around and keep interacting with anyone who
tries to talk to us. It’s like they have this strange ability to hold us hostage.
That means that you have to make a conscious effort to resist the urge to be
complacent when a narcissist hogs your time. If for instance a narcissist
keeps talking on the phone when you have important things to do, just say
you have to go and hang up before he has the opportunity to talk you out of
it. As we've mentioned, they demand a lot of attention, and unless you set
limits, they won't stop.
When you set a boundary with a narcissist, you can rest assured that they
are going to test that boundary, and they are going to push it as far as you
will let them. So, you have to go in with the conviction that your boundaries
are not up for discussion. For example, the narcissist who keeps hogging up
your time will try out all kinds of tricks to keep you talking to them, to see
if you are flexible on the boundary that you have set.
For the narcissist, it’s all about control, so he/she will do everything
imaginable to regain control over you once you’ve set the boundary. He
may try to convince you that you are unfair to him by denying him
attention. He may try to argue with you, intimidate you, guilt you, or even
confuse you. If you show any kind of flexibility, he will keep pushing at it
until he knocks down your boundary. It may seem rude on your part, but if
the narcissist insists on talking to you on the phone when you have made it
clear that you don’t have the time, just say bye and hang up.
When you set your boundary, don't explain yourself more than once. Let's
take the example of a narcissist that keeps insulting you during an
interaction. In this case, you will set a boundary by telling him that if he
keeps being disrespectful, you are going to walk away. Of course, he is
going to test you by insulting you again. Once he does this, put your money
where your mouth is and walk away.
If you explain yourself a second time, that is a concession, and it will have a
domino effect, and the end result will be detrimental to your stance. A
narcissist will violate your boundaries intentionally, and he will always
have a ready excuse to explain why that violation was warranted. If you tell
him not to call you late at night, he will call, and he will pretend that he
totally forget about your warning. So, when the phone rings despite your
warning, ignore it. If someone pretends not to remember something you
explicitly asked them not to do, they are manipulating you.
You have to remember that you don't have to explain yourself or to justify
your actions to anyone. They are not the boss of you, and they don't get to
interrogate you on matters that are personal to you. If you feel like saying
"No" to someone over anything, it's entirely up to you to decide if you want
to explain it to them (unless it's your boss at work, and even then, there are
limitations to that). You have to understand that any information you offer
to a narcissist will be used against you in that interaction (or in future
interactions).
Narcissists always believe that they are more important than you, so to
them, your boundaries are always up for review. So, you have to remember
that setting and enforcing boundaries with narcissists isn't a one-time event.
If it’s someone that is in your life, you have to stay vigilant and to enforce
your boundaries consistently. For example, if you ask a narcissist to stop
hogging your time, he may stop temporarily, but a few days later, he will
start testing the waters to see if you have loosened your stance. When you
set your boundaries, be mentally prepared to deal with the fact that the
narcissist will keep trying to abolish them for as long as you keep
associating with him/her.
 Chapter 4: Empathic Validation

W hen dealing with a narcissist, you have to be very careful about how
you criticize his/her behavior or actions. Narcissists don't deal well
with criticism. Although they are great at dishing it out, they are extremely
thin-skinned when they are the ones being criticized, and they may lash out
in ways that could harm you a lot more. So, to be able to criticize a
narcissist effectively, you should learn to use emphatic validation.
Emphatic validation is a technique used to deliver criticism by concealing it
in the midst of compliments. Most people are receptive of critical notions
about them if the criticism is sandwiched between 2 compliments.
We have mentioned that narcissists live for validation, so if you want to
criticize one, you have to make sure that the criticism is disguised as
validation. It's not that we don't want you to value brutal honesty here; it's
just that we are trying to get you to be more tactful in your approach. Brutal
honesty will only serve to aggravate the narcissist, and it will put you in
his/her crosshairs, so it will be to your own detriment. Avoid brutal honesty,
but try to be as sincere as possible.
So, as you approach a narcissist in an attempt to critique him/her, think long
and hard about the structure of the conversation that is about to ensue. Have
some sort of outline in your head before you start to speak. Preparation is
the key, and you have to be able to anticipate and respond appropriately to
some of the reactions that he/she may have. Walk through the conversation
in your head try as much as possible to use positive language. You have to
express yourself calmly and firmly because narcissists only respond to
strength and not to weakness.
Come up with positive compliments with which to start your conversations.
You can play into the narcissist's believes about himself or herself. If it’s
someone close to you, it’s likely that you already know what it is that he/she
wants to hear, so it wouldn't be too difficult to come up with compliments
that they will respond to.
Your compliments can include a wide range of observations that you have
made about the person lately, but you should try to give compliments that
are closely related to the criticism that you want to dish out, because you
don't want the criticisms to seem out of context (if the criticism comes out
of left-field, the narcissist will know that your intention was always to be
critical, and he/she will definitely hold it against you).
After you are done with your opening compliment, you want to use
transitional words before you toss in your constructive criticism. Here, you
want to make sure that your criticism sounds like a "by the way" without
making it sound too insignificant.
Next, it’s time to deliver the criticism. There is an art to doing this. You
want the narcissist to feel like their way of doing things is almost perfect,
but it would be completely perfect if they added this one minor correction.
Since narcissists aspire to be perfect, they are likely to respond to your
constructive criticism because they believe it would make them seem even
more perfect in your eyes than they already are.
One technique you can use here is to make it seem as though the idea was
his/hers all along. Since the narcissist wants to seem smarter than you, you
can suggest several solutions to a problem (of those solutions, only one
should be truly viable) and then leave it to him/her to make the decision as
to which solution to implement for that particular situation. Narcissists love
to take credit for other people's ideas, so you can structure the constructive
criticism in a way that makes it easy for them to take credit for the idea of
the change for which you are advocating.
You have to finish off by adding a few compliments so that you don't leave
the narcissist with feelings of inadequacy. You can also try to paint a picture
of how "awesome" things will be for the narcissist if he/she decided to
incorporate your criticisms into his/her life.
There are a few things to remember as you use emphatic validation with a
narcissist. First, you have to make sure that you pass your message across.
It's a tight rope to walk, but it is doable. Secondly, you have to be careful
about when and where you deliver your constructive criticism. It's okay to
deal with some topics in the presence of other people, but there are topics
that you must strictly bring up in private (the higher the potential for
embarrassment, they more important it is for you to do it in private).
 Chapter 5: Avoid Sharing TMI
(Too Much Information)

Y ou probably already make a conscious effort to avoid revealing too

much information when interacting with people at work, or even
friends you don’t fully trust. With narcissistic people, you have to filter
your personal information even more than you are used to. Narcissists have
the uncanny ability to use any kind of information against you, so don’t
trust them with any personal details.
You have to remember that the narcissist is going to actively seek out
information about you under the guise of social discourse, but with bad
intentions. They are going to pretend to be interested in you as a way to
manipulate you and to elicit personal information from you. They'll do
everything they can to put you at ease so that you let your guard down and
spill all your secrets.
If you find that the narcissist is prying into your personal life, you have to
shut it down. If they keep asking personal questions, make it clear that you
have no intention of sharing that kind of information with them or with
anyone else (tell them that it's not just them you don’t want to talk to about
your personal life and that you are just a private person). You have to make
sure that it appears that you are private on general principle and that you are
not just keeping information from the narcissist because you don't trust
him/her.
Where private information is concerned, if you have identified someone as
a narcissist, you have to tell all the friends and the family member that you
confide in to keep your secrets from him or her. If a narcissist is out to get
you and he/she finds that you are unwilling to provide personal information,
he/she could decide to manipulate the people that are close to you in order
to get it from them, so make sure that you swear your friends to secrecy
where he/she is concerned.
Keeping your personal information from a narcissist is easier said than
done. The fact is that these days, it's very easy to gain access to someone's
personal information because we willingly share more than we need to
online, and a narcissist who is interested in you can discern a lot about you
from your social media accounts and the people in your social circles. So,
you should be extremely careful about the kind of information that you
divulge on social media platforms or even to the people around you. Even if
there is no narcissist in your life right now, you never know when one might
show up, and you want to avoid making it easy for someone to ruin your
life.
To a narcissist, information is a weapon. Narcissists have perfected the art
of turning even seemingly mundane facts into serious venom. They can
make up lies or exaggerate your shortcomings, and even simple facts about
your life can make them seem more credible when they are spinning their
lies to mutual friends and acquaintances.
Let's say a narcissist knows which street or which building you live in. If
he/she is malicious and out to get you, he/she could make up anything about
you, and then drop in that simple fact. For example, a malicious colleague
could say he saw you buying drugs on a corner of the street you live in.
Because other people in your office know you live there, his made-up story
will come across as significantly more credible than it would if he hadn't
tossed in that information about you.
The point is that your threshold for what you consider as personal
information should be a lot lower when you are dealing with narcissists
than when you are dealing with other people. In fact, avoid sharing even the
most obvious information with them if you can. If they are strangers, don’t
give them your phone number or tell them where you live out of politeness.
If they are already in your life, try as much as possible to limit the new
information that you give them.
If a narcissist finds out some personal information about you, there are
things you can do to make that information less potent in case he/she
decides to use it against you. If you discover that someone is a narcissist
after you have already told them some details about yourself, try to think
back and remember what it is they know about you, and then, in the spirit of
transparency, make that information known to more people so that it has no
potency if the narcissist decides to use it against you. At least this way, you
can control how the information comes out.
 Chapter 6: Don't Assume
the Narcissist Cares About You

Y ou can be forgiven for thinking that the narcissist cares about you
because most humans have this innate desire to care about each other,
and our default setting is to assume that others are also capable of caring
about us. When you start out with the narcissist, he will give you the
impression that he cares, but that is all an illusion because he wants
something out of it. When the narcissist finally reveals his true colors, and
you realize that he doesn't care, it can be a disconcerting experience, and
you can even remain in denial about it for a very long time. That is because
we are wired to look for the good in others, and when there is none to find,
we keep digging deep. Don't waste your time that way — once you figure
out that someone is a narcissist, it’s time for the assumption that he cares to
go out of the window.
If the narcissist is someone very close to you, he can start exhibiting cruel
behavior that could be a major threat to you from a physical, emotional or
even financial point of view. While you are still searching for the good in
the person, he/she will keep taking advantage of you, and he/she will give
you emotional wounds that could last a lifetime. In some cases, he/she
could become physically violent. If you are a couple, he/she could also start
spending all your money on things that benefit him/her without telling you,
and then coming up with absurdly selfish explanations for this behavior.
Remember that the narcissist is quite devious, and he/she can take
advantage of the fact that you think there is some good in him/her by
feigning it once in a while to keep you on the hook. For example, if you are
married to a narcissist who spends the cash in your joint accounts on things
that benefit only him/her and put you in a financial quagmire, if he/she
figures out that you are growing weary and you are about to leave, he/she
may decide to spend some of that money on a "gift" for you, just to get you
thinking again that maybe he/she isn't that bad.
An emotionally abusive narcissist may decide to buy you flowers once in a
while just to get you thinking that maybe all is not lost in that relationship.
You have to remember that these are just tricks that are meant to manipulate
you so that you can stick around and suffer more abuse. In the narcissist's
mind, he/she probably thinks that the occasional decent act negates all the
horrible things that he/she does to you. Don’t be fooled by the occasional
kind acts.
You might ask, if a narcissist doesn't care, then why does he/she give me so
much attention? This is a very confusing thing, and it has led many people
to excuse the behavior of the narcissists in their lives for a long time. The
truth is that for narcissists, attention is about control, having power over
you, and manipulating you. Tricking you into thinking they care about you
is like a sport to them, and they have a lot of fun with it. It's a sick game
that they play with you to gain your trust. Once you trust them, they are
going to manipulate you and bring out your insecurities so that you are
somewhat dependent on them for emotional stability.
The sooner you accept the fact that the narcissist doesn't care, the sooner
you will be able to get out from under his/her control, and the sooner you
will be able to start healing and rebuilding your self-esteem. The longer you
are stuck thinking the narcissist cares, the harder it will be for you to free
yourself from his/her influence. There are people who have tolerated
narcissists for so long, to the point that they have become numb to their
own suffering and they have accepted the abuse as part of their existence.
Don't let the narcissist break you, and don't lose perspective — you know a
caring person when you see one, so don't make excuses for the narcissist.
 Chapter 7: Don ’ t Engage
the Narcissist in Psychological Games

Narcissists are very good at initiating dramatic psychological games, often

at your expense. They can stir up conflict between you and other people,
and once you are at each other’s throats, they’ll pretend they had absolutely
nothing to do with the situation at hand. So, if you sense that a narcissist is
playing some sort of mind game with the intention of getting you to react in
an aggressive way, you should take a step back.
Narcissists play games and start drama because they enjoy the chaos that
ensues as a result of their machinations. When a narcissist starts a conflict
between two people, he/she feels a sense of superiority over them — it feels
like he/she is the puppet-master and you and others are tiny puppets ready
to rip each other apart while he/she plays god over your lives. So, before
you fall into the trap that the narcissist sets for you, and find yourself
tangled in a drama whose origin you can't even remember, let's look at some
of the common games that a narcissist may try to get you involved in.
One common game that narcissists play is the "emotional ping pong" game.
This is where a person avoids taking responsibility for their actions by
throwing that responsibility back to you. If the narcissist has done
something reprehensible, instead of reflecting on his/her own actions and
admitting wrongdoing, he/she will throw the ball back at you somehow.
He/she could try to blame you, shame you, project fault onto you, or even
outright deny doing something wrong, making you seem crazy for even
pointing it out. If you care about him/her, you might find yourself believe
the lie and even making excuses on his/her behalf.
Narcissists always love to play different variations of the ‘game’ where they
make you seem crazy in front of other people. A narcissist could do
something that indicates to you that they have malicious intent, but when
you confront them, they can accuse you of having an overactive
imagination, feigning innocence, or they can turn it around by accusing you
of malice.
They could even get everyone around you to turn against you by making
outrageous public accusations. Once you fall into that trap, you will start
spinning out of control trying to prove to others that you are right, but that
will only serve to prove the narcissist right. You have to learn to avoid
reacting dramatically to the actions of a narcissist, and you have to be able
to tell when you are being set up (with a narcissist, always assume that
he/she is setting you up for something).
The most infuriating game that narcissists play is "gaslighting." This is
where the narcissist flatly denies remembering something that you know
perfectly well happened, and they insist that their memory is perfect and
that you are the one who is mistaken. This is a very dangerous game, and it
is surprisingly common in abusive relationships. If you stay for long with
someone who "gaslights" you, in the end, you will start doubting your own
perception of reality, and you will lose trust in your own recollection of
events, your own reasoning, and intuition, and you will become a sitting
duck for the abusive narcissist.
You have to remember to let the narcissist's games roll off your back
because if you internalize everything that the narcissist tries to do to you if
you fall into every trap he sets for you, if you give in and react in a dramatic
way, in the end, you will lose.
If you play the narcissist's game for a long time, ultimately, you will suffer
what pop-psychologists refer to as "death by a thousand cuts." This is where
the narcissist will harm you in small ways over and over again until, in the
end, he/she is able to destroy you completely. If you play the narcissist's
games, he will destroy every part of you, by disparaging your
accomplishments, destroying your ego and your confidence, casting doubt
on your values and your belief system, and dampening your soul. If you let
a narcissist have his/her way, he/she will turn everything that you are doing
into a failure. If you are in a relationship, he/she will assign you the blame
for everything that goes wrong, and take credit for everything that goes
right.
Don’t engage in the narcissist’s drama. Don’t play games. As a decent
person, you will be inhibited by your rationality and your sense of decency.
The narcissist won't play by any rules, so you can be absolutely certain that
you will lose. The best way to win with a narcissist is to avoid playing
his/her games altogether.
 Chapter 8: Don ’ t Second-Guess Your Decisions
When Dealing With a Narcissist

You don't need to justify yourself to the narcissist. When you interact with a
narcissist, he/she will insist that you explain certain actions and choices that
you have taken. You have to remember that your decisions are in your own
best interests, and you don't owe the narcissist any explanation. Once you
bother to explain yourself to the narcissist, it opens the door for him/her to
then plant the seed of doubt on the decision that you have made with the
intention of making you second guess yourself so that they can regain
control over you. By all means, don't explain yourself. Let them know that
you have already made a decision and that you are not seeking their input
on the matter. It may seem rude, but it’s necessary.
You can be certain that the narcissists will keep pushing for you to explain
things to them. As we have mentioned in the last chapter, the only way to
win a narcissist's game is to avoid playing it altogether. The narcissist will
go out of his/her way to make you think that they are just trying to help, or
that they are just making friendly conversation, but once you take the bait
and offer an explanation for an action you have taken or a decision you
have made, the narcissist will come up with a hundred different questions
and observations, all of which are tailor-made to diminish your conviction.
He/she will tell you it's not in your best interest to do what you are doing,
you are not smart enough or strong enough to do it, or you need their help
to see your plan through.
The narcissist knows that when you start doubting your perceptions and
your convictions, you will have to rely on his/her guidance a lot more and
that will give him/her control over you. When you get to the point where
you don't trust your own judgment, then you will accept the narcissist's
judgment, and he/she will be able to tell you what to do, and how to think
and act at all times.
We have mentioned gas lighting in the previous chapter, but here, we will
point out some of the signs that can indicate to you that you are being
gaslighted, so that you are in a better position to stop doubting yourself and
to avoid further manipulation.
First, the narcissist will start by telling a blatant lie. Since this is a person
that you have known for a while and you trust to some level, the lie will
throw you off balance, and you will start doubting things that are obvious.
Next, the narcissist will deny things that they said, even if you can prove
that they did. The more vehement their denial, the more you question your
own reality!
The narcissist succeeds in gas lighting you because he/she wears you down
over time. It's easy to think that you are too smart to get gaslighted, but the
fact is that it doesn't happen instantaneously, it happens gradually, and one
day you will wake up and find that you are so far gone. The way it works is
that the narcissist will tell a small lie, stick with it and make you question
your reality a little bit, but then you will decide that it’s too small a lie to
matter, so you will let it slide. The lies will then escalate both in magnitude
and in frequency, and since you let the first one slide, you will have an easy
time doing the same with the subsequent lies, until you get to the point
where it's a norm. So, you shouldn't second guess yourself or let an obvious
lie slide for even a second. Don't let the narcissist desensitize you to his/her
lies.
Narcissists have perfected the art of turning things around to make it sound
like you were the selfish one when it's clear that they are taking advantage
of you. While you are still confused trying to decipher what it is that they
are doing, they will make great strides towards altering your whole reality.
They will also send confusing signals by occasionally acknowledging some
of your claims so that you begin to think that perhaps you were mistaken
about the rest of the claims. For example, if you accuse the narcissist of 3
different things, he/she could cap to one and then deny the other 2, and this
makes you think that he/she might be credible to some extent.
While gas lighting and other forms of manipulation can be infuriating and
confusing, they are surprisingly easy to fall for, so you have to be vigilant.
Your best bet is to stick to your guns and hold on to your reality. Don’t let
anyone talk you out of decisions that you have made, and by all means,
don’t ever substitute your perception for someone else’s.
 Chapter 9: Try Not to Take the Narcissist ’ s
Actions Personally

T o the narcissist, it’s never actually about you. To him or her, you are a
pawn in a mind game that they are playing, and if you weren’t there,
they would be doing the exact same thing to someone else. Of course, this
doesn’t make their abuse less painful, but at least, it clarifies things for you.
It means that your suffering isn’t a result of any wrongdoing on your part.
When your relationship or your association with a narcissist finally goes
south (as it is bound to do) you are going to start wondering how this person
that you have known and trusted could have morphed into an entirely
different and mean a person who you don't recognize at all. You will start
thinking that maybe you did something to deserve their anger and their
animosity. In your mind, you will feel that there has to be a rational
explanation for what has happened. There is, of course, a psychological
explanation for the things that are happening — but you can rest assured
that you didn't play a part in making those things happen. They were just
meant to happen, and they were never truly within your control.
The narcissist isn't hurting you or targeting you for a personal reason. You
have nothing to do with it. The narcissist acts the way he/she does because
that is the nature of the beast. It may seem callous, but it's true. The
narcissist targeted you because you just happened to cross his/her path, or
you just happened to be in their life.
If you have a narcissistic parent, you will realize that he/she treats both you
and your siblings with the same level of narcissism (it may vary at different
times, but everyone gets their share of abuse over the years). If you are in a
relationship with a narcissist, you can be certain that he/she treated his/her
former lovers the same way. In other words, the narcissist is an equal
opportunity torturer.
This information doesn’t make the suffering that you endured under the
narcissist any less painful, but it has several important implications for you.
First, it means that there is nothing wrong with you and that there is nothing
that you did to deserve what the narcissist has done to you. Many people
take the abuse of narcissists because they get accustomed to the suffering,
and they start internalizing the idea that they might have done something to
set off the abuse (most narcissists will try to blame you for lots of things, so
if you let them, they can easily convince you that you have done something
to deserve the suffering).
The second implication here is that there is absolutely nothing that you
could have done to control the actions of the narcissists because those are
his/her natural tendencies. Many people stay in abusive relationships with
narcissists because they harbor the false belief that they can change them.
Now that you know the narcissist's actions aren't personal, you understand
that there is no way you can control those actions, so it's futile to believe
that you can change a narcissist. That should clear your conscience and
make it easy for you to end the relationship or the association with the
narcissist (if you can).
The third implication is that the failure of your relationship with a narcissist
isn't a commentary on your ability to give or receive love (the relationship
was doomed to fail from the very beginning). So, as you leave, and as you
move on, you shouldn't carry the baggage from that relationship onto the
next one. The only thing you should bring along with you is your newfound
ability to spot a narcissist from a mile away.
Don't delude yourself into thinking that the narcissist actually cares about
you because what's happening is completely and utterly impersonal. We
have mentioned that some narcissists are seducers, and they can make you
feel like you are the center of the universe when they are looking to
manipulate you. When this happens, it can be very tempting to ignore your
instincts and everything you have learned so far about narcissists, but you
have to stay strong and retain your rationality.
 Chapter 10: Verify Any and All Claims That the
Narcissist Makes

N arcissists are natural experts at lying. That is because they have learned
to rationalize their lying, and they no longer feel any guilt the way
ordinary people do when they mislead others. The next time the narcissist
makes an outrageous claim, especially if it’s about a mutual friend, take
time to investigate the claim. Trust your own judgment about the person
that the narcissist is making accusations against.
The most hardened narcissists could even pass polygraph tests while telling
blatant lies because they are so adept at lying, that there is no cognitive
dissonance that could cause a spike in their vitals. Some psychologists have
come up with the hypothesis that narcissists lie about 80 to 90 percent of
the time, and they even lie about petty and inconsequential things.
Narcissists will only tell the truth when it benefits them.
To be safe, you have to treat every story you hear from the narcissist with a
lot of skepticism. You have to start with the assumption that everything is a
lie until you prove otherwise. As you do your realities check, here are some
things that you need to pay attention to in order to figure out what the actual
facts are and what the narcissist is lying about:
If the narcissist casts him/herself as some kind of hero in the story, you can
rest assured that you are being lied to. We have already discussed how the
narcissist has an overinflated ego, so as he/she creates a fictional story to
manipulate you, he/she won't be able to resist the urge to be the hero in the
story. If a narcissist tells you that a friend of yours was talking ill about you,
he/she will claim to have been your only advocate in that conversation.
In an attempt to seem heroic and superior, the narcissist will also come up
with stories about meeting (or being friends) with famous people, going to
exotic places, or being an instrumental part of some groundbreaking
accomplishment that you may be vaguely familiar with. These stories are
often unprompted or out of topic, but the narcissist will bend over backward
to make them seem relevant to the conversation that you are having.
As they try to manipulate you, one thing many narcissists tend to do is try
to make themselves your best friend, so if the narcissist accuses a friend
you have known for years of things that are clearly out of character, you
should know that not only is he/she lying to you, it’s likely that he/she is
also telling similar lies about you to your friend in order to drive a wedge
between the two of you.
In many cases, narcissists will also spin stories to cast themselves as victims
even though they are the actual perpetrators. When a narcissist gets in
trouble with a third party, he/she will come to you telling stories about
being wronged, being treated unfairly, and how he/she went out of the way
to be the bigger person. Even if you were there and you witnessed the
whole thing, you will find the narcissist trying to convince you that things
didn't go down as you thought and that you were the one who didn't pay
enough attention.
If you catch a narcissist doing something wrong, he/she may also try to get
out of the situation by spinning a story about how he/she was messed up as
a child or in a past relationship and that his/her bad behavior is a
consequence of past traumatic events. The narcissist may try to get you to
empathize with him/her by saying how he/she has been working on this one
weakness and how you shouldn't give up on him/her. This kind of lie often
works in a relationship in which you already feel invested. That kind of
“confession” can make anyone seem endearing.
If a narcissist tells you that he is coming from a dark place, he is sorry, and
he is on a journey to change his life, you should be greatly alarmed. If you
let the narcissist off the hook because of a story like that, he is going to use
the same story over and over again, and the more times you let it go, the
harder it would be for you to take a different stance in the future.
When narcissists spin a story, they are going to inject a few half-truths into
that story to make it seem more credible to you. You should be keen to note
if the narcissist adds "facts" into the story, including places you are familiar
with, days you vaguely recall, or people you used to know. The intention is
to make you more inclined to believe him/her. You should pay attention to
the unnecessary details that the narcissist throws into the story, and the
detail he/she brings to your attention with a bit of emphasis, then if you can,
fact-check those details. More often than not, they are all lies.
 Chapter 11: Don ’ t Compete With the Narcissist

Y ou don’t want to put yourself on the spot when you are dealing with a
narcissist, so the worst possible thing that you can do is try to compete
with him/her on trivial things that don’t actually matter to you. Narcissists
take trivial competitions seriously, and if you try to one-up them in any
way, you will end up losing.
There is one simple reason why you are going to lose. The narcissist is
ready and willing to cross lines that you as a reasonable person will never
dream of crossing. You don't operate under the same rules of decency, so if
you try to one-up a narcissist, your own conscience will keep you from
winning.
Another important thing to note is that even if you one-up a narcissist and
you win by all objective standards, the narcissist will just declare himself
the winner anyway and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Victory against a narcissist will never be as sweet as you hoped because he
will never acknowledge it or give you any respect as a result of your
victory. He will just tell people the opposite thing happened, and you will
then seem petty if you try to insist that you were victorious.
When dealing with a narcissist, your first instinct should be self-
preservation and trying to one-up the narcissist won't help you with that. If
you try to compete with a narcissist, you are only going to make yourself
more of a target, and that could lead to your destruction. We are not
suggesting that you be submissive and let the narcissist walk all over you,
we are saying that you should be above it, and you should avoid getting
down and dirty with the narcissist. Narcissists want to feel like they are
winning over you, but if you don't try to one-up them, you are essentially
telling them that you don't care about their silly games, and this may make
them go out and try to find someone else over whom to assert their
dominance.
If you avoid one-upping a narcissist, he could stop bothering you because
it's just not fun for him. For example, if a narcissistic colleague starts telling
you how smart and knowledgeable he is, you can just say “good for you”
and carry on with your work. Because he wants to feel in control, the fact
that you seem calm and unfettered will tell him that he may be out of his
depth here, and he could proceed to find someone else to bug in order to
feel superior. However, if you respond to his assertions by telling him
where you went to school and how much experience you have, he will take
that as a challenge, and he will never seize trying to prove he is smarter
than you.
Once you try to one-up a narcissist, you are in a game that is going to last
for the remainder of your relationship or your association with the
narcissist. The only way that game is going to end is if you admit defeat, so
the best thing for you is to never get into it in the first place.
When we one-up people in normal social situations, it’s because we want
them to think highly of us, but the thing with narcissists is that no matter
how accomplished we are, they are never going to think highly of us or to
give us the respect we deserve. So, if you really think about it, there is no
upside to one-upping a narcissist. Only misery can come out of the decision
to do such a thing.
It's possible to one-up a narcissist unintentionally, without ever realizing it,
and when this happens, the consequences can be disastrous. There are
things that you can do avoid inadvertently one-upping a narcissist. For
example, when you are talking to other people about things that you have
accomplished recently, you can avoid using the word "I" and instead use the
word "we" so that the narcissist doesn't feel slighted. If the narcissist is a
colleague with whom you have worked on a project, when you report to
your boss in his presence, don't say "I solved the issue," instead, say "we
solved the issue." The narcissist likes to hog credit, but he would rather
share it with you than not get it at all.
 Chapter 12: Get Away From
the Narcissist

Y ou have to get away from the narcissist because staying is not good for
you in the long-run. However, there are situations where the narcissist
in question is a vital part of your life, and it’s utterly impractical for you to
leave him/her completely. For instance, he/she could be a spouse with
whom you have kids, a family member, or a colleague in your department.
In such cases, you can try to put as much distance between the two of you
as possible while at the same time trying to limit the harm that befalls your
kids, your other family members or your career respectively.
If your lives aren't already intertwined, you can break up with them, leave
them, and avoid contacting them altogether. Remember that they didn't
really care about you, so don't worry too much about how they are going to
feel after you break up.
Don't bother explaining too much detail about why you are leaving.
Remember that if you take the time to justify yourself, they are going to try
to talk you out of it. Break up in a public place and leave, never to return.
Don't agree to be friends with them or to hang out in the future, no matter
how insistent they are.
Some psychologists even suggest that you should break up with narcissists
over the phone because there is no way of telling how in-person meetings
are going to go. When you avoid contact with the narcissist, tell him that he
is not welcome into your home, and block his number from your phone. If
you leave the tiniest window open, he is going to find a way to crawl back
into your life. Don't do any lingering goodbye. Just say your piece and
leave.
There are always going to be some mutual friends who are going to vouch
for the narcissist and tell you that you made a mistake leaving him. These
friends may mean well, but they certainly don’t fully understand how much
you have been suffering under the thumb of the narcissist. With them, you
have to make it clear that the narcissist is persona non grata, and the cost of
bringing him up during your conversations is that they will lose your
friendship. Tell them that you don't want any updates on the narcissist's life,
and if they still talk to him, they shouldn't tell him anything about you
either.
When you leave a narcissist, that very same day, write down exactly why
you left him. In your journal, put down the rationale for your decision, and
all the reasons why being with him was a bad thing for you. The purpose of
this is that when the narcissist comes crawling back into your life and tries
to manipulate you, you can refer back to your journal and remember why
it's vital that you stay away from him. We have talked about gas lighting
and how a manipulative narcissist can get you to question your own sanity,
so having contemporaneous records of your thoughts and feelings can help
you stay grounded on the truth.
If you successfully get away from a narcissist, hopefully, he/she will move
on quickly, find someone else torment, and leave you alone. Because the
narcissist never really cared about you in the first place, he won't be too
hung up on your relationship, so don't question your decision when you see
that he/she has moved on too quickly and you start to worry that you may
end up alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who sucks the
life out of you.
 Chapter 13: Ignore the Narcissist

T he narcissist lives to trigger emotional reactions in people because, in

their minds, that gives them some sense of power. If a narcissist causes
you to lose control over your emotions, it gives him a lot of satisfaction.
When a narcissist attacks you verbally, ignoring him can drive him crazy.
You have to understand that narcissists crave attention, so ignoring them
hurts them more than anything else. They want to be acknowledged and
validated; that is why they start with the conflict in the first place. When a
narcissist targets you and destroys your life, your natural instinct will be to
get back at him/her by reacting angrily and emotionally, but if you do that,
you are only playing into his/her hand.
It may not seem so at first, but over time, you will realize that ignoring the
narcissist is actually much more satisfying than engaging with him/her
because then, even to third-party observers, the narcissist will just seem like
a petty person who likes to pick fights with people, and you will seem like
the mature adult who is able to rise above it all.
The narcissist wants to control you and to assert dominance over you, but
you have to remember that people can't take power from you. You actually
have to give it to them. A narcissist can only have dominance over you if
you relinquish control to him/her. As we have mentioned, you are
guaranteed to lose if you play the narcissist's game, and that is when he/she
is actually capable of dominating you. By ignoring the narcissist, you
blatantly refuse to play his/her game, and then he/she has no means with
which to get close enough to have any form of control over your life.
In as much as ignoring the narcissist hurts him/her; remember that you are
doing it for yourself and for your own peace of mind. When you choose to
ignore a narcissist, don't be preoccupied with the effect that the lack of
attention has on him/her. Focus on doing something worthwhile for
yourself. If after ignoring the narcissist, you are still obsessed with how
he/she is reacting to it, then you are still under his/her control, and you are
relinquishing your power to him/her.
When you ignore an ex who is a narcissist, don't turn around and start
stalking him on social media to see if he is miserable. Now that you have
regained control, you should focus on detoxifying from the narcissist's
influence and training yourself to be more vigilant in the future.
If the narcissist is someone who is in your life permanently, ignoring
him/her is going to be a regular thing, so you have to train yourself so as to
get better at it. Ignoring a narcissist is more than just avoiding responding to
their taunts. It's about learning to stop caring about their opinions and their
criticisms. The first step is to restrain yourself from responding to them
even if their comments hurt you, but after that, you have to work on
yourself to get to the point where what they say rolls off you like water.
Remember that although you have no control over what the narcissist says,
you have control over how much importance you associate with the things
he/she says or does. Once you figure out that a person is a narcissist, you
should make a conscious effort to stop attaching any actual meaning or
value to their words and actions. Just regard them as malicious, and assume
all their actions towards you are ill-conceived. That way, you are less likely
to get hurt by them.
When you ignore a narcissist, you have to keep your safety in mind. Some
narcissists tend to turn aggressive or violent when you deny them attention,
so you have to be careful not to be anywhere with them without witnesses
present. Ignoring a narcissist makes him/her feel that you have slipped
away from his/her control, and in a desperate effort to regain that control,
you never know how they are going to lash out. You have to be a lot more
cautious and a lot smarter going forward because the narcissist is going to
bring his/her “A” game in order to regain control over you. Keep ignoring
them, and no matter how hard they come at you, don't relent, not even
slightly.
 Chapter 14: 10 Things
a Narcissist Will Always Do In
a Relationship

Y ou can be able to tell if the person you are in a relationship with is a

narcissist based on the kind of behavior he/she exhibits throughout the
duration of your relationship. Ideally, you want to be able to figure out if
your boyfriend, girlfriend, or even an acquaintance has narcissistic
tendencies as soon as possible so that you can sever ties with him/her before
you are too invested in that relationship. Here are ten things that a narcissist
will always do in a relationship.

He Will Try to Charm You

As we've mentioned throughout the book, narcissists can be quite

charismatic and charming when they want something from you. If you are
in a relationship with one, he will go out of his way to make you feel
special in the beginning so that you trust him enough to let your guard
down. As long as you are serving the purpose he wants you to serve; the
narcissist will give you a lot of attention and make you feel like you are the
center of his world. If someone puts you on a pedestal during the early
stages of your relationship, you should pay more attention to the way they
act, just to see if they are faking it.

He Will Make You Feel Worthless

After you have been hanging out with a narcissist for a while, you will
notice that when you have any sort of disagreement or argument, his first
instinct is to dismiss you in a way that makes you feel worthless. He will
criticize you in the sort of contemptuous tone that will make you feel
dehumanized. When you disagree with ordinary people, you always get the
feeling that your opinion matters to them, but with a narcissist, that is not
the case. All the things about you that the narcissist claimed to like when he
was charming you will somehow turn into negative attributes, and the
narcissist will portray himself as a "saint" for putting up with those
attributes.

He Will Hog Your Conversations

Narcissists are in love with the way people perceive them, so they will take
every chance to talk about themselves. Whenever you try to have a
conversation, the topic is always going to change, and it will suddenly be
about them. It's never a 2-way conversation with a narcissist unless he is
trying to manipulate you into thinking he cares about you. You will get to a
point where you really struggle to get him to hear your views or to get him
to acknowledge your feelings. When you start telling a story about
something that happened to you at work, you will never get to the end of it
because he is going to start his own story before you are done with yours. If
you make comments on certain topics of conversation, your comments will
be ignored, dismissed, or even corrected unnecessarily.

He Will Violate Your Boundaries

From very early in the relationship, the narcissist will start showing
disregard for your personal boundaries. You will notice that he violates your
personal space, and he has no qualms about asking you to do him favors
that he has by no means earned. He will borrow your personal items or even
money and fail to return it, and when you ask, he is going to say that he
didn't know it was such a big deal to you — the point is to make you seem
petty for insisting on boundaries that most decent people would consider
reasonable.

He Will Break the Rules

The narcissist will break the rules that you set for your relationship, and
other social rules, without any compunction. The problem is that
sometimes, we are initially attracted to rule breakers because they seem to
be "bad boys" or "rebels," but those traits are in fact tale-tell signs of
narcissism. A person who breaks social norms is definitely going to break
relationship rules because relationships are essentially social contracts. If
someone is trying to charm you, but in your first few interactions, you
observe that he cuts lines, tips poorly, disregards traffic rules, etc., you can
be certain that you are dealing with a narcissist.

He Will Try to Change You

When you are in a relationship with someone, they are definitely going to
change you in a few minor ways (often unintentionally). However, when
you are dealing with a narcissist, he is going to make a deliberate and
perceptible effort to change you, and more often than not, it won't be for the
better. He will try to break you, and he will try to make you more
subservient to him.
You will find yourself making concession after concession, until, in the end;
any objective observer can tell you that you are under his thumb. He will
cause you to lose your sense of identity so that you end up being a mere
extension of him. When you get out of that relationship, you will find it
difficult to figure out who you are as an individual because he would have
spent the entire duration of the relationship defining and redefining you.

He Will Exhibit a Sense of Entitlement

The narcissist will demonstrate a sense of entitlement for the most part of
your relationship. At first, he may seem generous and considerate just to
draw you in, but after that, you will see his entitlement rear its ugly head.
He will be expecting preferential treatment all the time, and he will expect
you to make him a priority in your life (even ahead of your own career or
your family). There will be a clear disconnect between what he offers and
what he expects, and he is going to want to be the center of your universe.

He Will Try to Isolate You

Any narcissist who wants to control you and make you subservient to him
understands that you have a support system of friends and family who won't
stand by and let him harm you. So, one of the things he will do once he has
faked affection and earned some of your trust is he is going to try and
isolate you. He will insist that every time you hang out, you shouldn't bring
anyone along. He will make up lies to drive a wedge between you and your
friends. He will play into the conflicts that exist between you and your
family members to make you lean on them a lot less. If you let him get rid
of your support system, he will have free reign, and you won't stand a
chance against his manipulation.

He Will Express a Lot of Negative Emotions

Narcissists trade on negative emotions because they want to be the center of

attention. When you are in a relationship with one, he is going to be upset
when you don't do what he wants, when you are slightly critical of him, or
when you don't give him the attention he is looking for. He is going to use
anger, insincere sadness, and other negative emotions to make you insecure,
to get your attention, or to gain a sense of control over you. If someone you
are dating throws a tantrum over minor disagreements or when you aren't
able to give him attention, it means that he has a fragile ego, which is a
clear sign that he could be a narcissist.

He Will Play the Blame Game

This is perhaps the most common indicator that you are in a relationship
with a narcissist. He will never admit to any wrongdoing, and he will
always find a way of turning everything into your fault. When anything
doesn’t go according to plan, he will always point out your part in it, even if
he too could have done something to change the outcome of the event. He
will never take responsibility for anything, and when he takes action to
solve a mutual problem that you have, he will always make it clear that you
owe him.
 Conclusion
T hank you for making it through to the end of Dealing with a
Narcissist, let’s hope it was informative and able to provide you with
all of the tools you need to retake control of your life from the narcissist
that has been ruining it.
The next step is to start implementing the lessons that you have learned here
in a smart and strategic way so that you can loosen the narcissist’s
stranglehold on your life without making yourself more of a target.
In this book, you have discovered how the mind of a narcissist works, and
what makes him/her tick. When you start dealing with the narcissist in your
life, you have to take these lessons to heart. You have also learned how you
can identify different types of narcissists, so make sure that you figure out
what kind of narcissist you are dealing with, so you can come up with the
best strategy for dealing with him/her.
You have also learned how to create boundaries and stick to them when
dealing with narcissists, and how to use emphatic validation when you want
to criticize a narcissist. Make sure that you don't overlook this advice
because it could make your life a bit easier.
You should also remember the "don'ts" that we have discussed in detail
within the book. Make sure that you don't share too much information with
the narcissist; you don't assume that the narcissist cares about you, you
don't play the narcissist's games, you don't second guess yourself when
dealing with a narcissist, and you don't assume that the narcissist's actions
are personal.
There is a big difference between reading about how to deal with a person
or a problem, and actually doing it in real life. When you are dealing with
an actual narcissist in real life, you are going to feel scared and under
pressure, and it's easy to forget the right approach when it comes to
handling the situation. When you confront the narcissist, take a deep breath,
and remember that you stand your best chance of getting your way when
you are calm and collected.
 Covert Narcissist
Recognizing the Most Dangerous Subtle Form of
Narcissism and Recovering from Emotionally
Abusive Relationships

Dr. Theresa J.Covert

 Introduction

I f someone had told me that the man I intended to marry and spend the
rest of my life with is going to turn out to be my worst nightmare, I
would never believe them. Even when it all ended it took me a long time to
admit to myself that what I experienced was not love. It was everything, but
love. Back then, I truly thought I am so blessed to have met him. Not a
shadow of doubt in my mind. I was this big idealist in love. He was
everything I ever wanted in a man and my family and friends loved him as
much as I did. And who wouldn’t? He was a great conversationalist, had a
stable job, was humble, eager to help and unafraid to shower me with
affection I always craved for. Term covert narcissist wasn't even in my
vocabulary, but that, of course, changed as I desperately searched for
answers. I found the answers. It took me a good while, but I found them.
This eureka moment, the realization that who I was dealing with was a
covert narcissist, did not come fast, but it came and it made me cry. I finally
had evidence, an explanation that what I felt was valid. I wasn’t out of my
mind. And I felt the same every time I found a new answer. Then I
discovered not only there was an explanation behind my pain and
confusion, but that there were other people who batted the same demon, in
shockingly similar ways. I talked to therapists, I read books, I’ve met many
people, of both sexes, from various backgrounds and from various age
groups who could point out identical patterns and reactions in their covert
partners, parents, siblings, bosses or coworkers as I could in my fiance. I
was unfortunate to have lost most of my important connections during the
time period of the relationship, and my whole healing journey was a push
and pull between desperation to move forward and inability to do so.
It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that losing friends and
severing ties with family members was unavoidable as I didn’t have the
energy to maintain healthy relationships as I gave it all away to the one that
was dysfunctional. Dealing with a narcissist did cost me mental health, self-
esteem, relationships, and career and most unfortunately of all, it made me
lose trust in myself.
What I find to be the most horrific thing about narcissistic personality
disorder, particularly abuse imposed by a covert narcissist, is that it is
invisible and thus can last for years. It is never out in the open, direct and in
your face. It takes a lot of direct exposure to it to just get a hint of what type
of person you are dealing with.
Covert narcissism is A pathological behavior that is far more damaging than
any other disorder, only for the fact that it is almost impossible to recognize.
Many survivors who shared their stories with me spend decades with a
covert narcissist. That’s how long it can take to uncover them. Someone
who has no experience with these kinds of people and no background
knowledge will most certainly fail to recognize their malignancy.
Explaining why you feel and act the way you do after being abused by
someone like that is like telling people you 've seen a ghost. The person you
are describing, in the eye of the outsider does not fit your description. You
just seem paranoid. You are a paranoid person who imagines things. And
that’s the saddest thing about it. And it is also the reason why covert
narcissism is more malignant than most personality disorders. You barely
made through it, you are left with no energy to move forward and you are
battling an invisible enemy no one believes you are battling against. The
invisible narcissist leaves no visible marks of abuse on their victim, but the
feeling you get from it is that you feel rotten and dead inside. That is the
closest that I can describe it. That’s how I felt for two years constantly and
at least three more years I had similar random flashbacks. Inner peace and
mental clarity are priceless, but that is exactly what you get robbed of when
you love a covert.
Nowadays, I can use the knowledge I gained through dealing with such a
toxic, abusive and self-serving individual. Over time and through healing,
this experience has helped me spot manipulation just after one conversation
with a person and thus helped me build healthier relationships for myself. I
am no longer afraid to cut people of my life, which was a big step for an
empty like me.
I made a promise I will never allow to be mistreated, used and devalued the
way I was and with the effort, I managed to keep that promise till today. It
has taught me to stop trying to put my needs second to please everyone and
most importantly, to trust myself, something I didn't know how to do from
childhood onwards.
At times I wish I could just turn back, unmeet him and erase everything
from my memory. Other times I am grateful for the turmoil he had put me
through because I would never be as near where I’m at in life if it wasn’t for
that abusive relationship I had. All my relationships acted that one was only
better, never worse. I can proudly say I love my life and love myself. I am
happily married, love my job and my friends. I grew a lot as a person as a
result of the trauma I’ve experienced. Just to remember how I used to think
I will never find love if I let go of my covert gives me chills. I wish I could
share this energy I am feeling with everyone who is struggling with moving
forward and tell them not only everything is going to be fine, but it is going
to be much more than that. It is going to be peaceful.
This book is my aim to do so, to share what I have learned from many
survivors and mental health professionals I met on my long healing journey.
It is meant to help you understand that there is an explanation behind toxic
energy you lived in and to help you understand it was never your fault. I
hope it helps you on your healing journey and gives you some
encouragement to move forward.
You will learn about more about narcissist’s manipulation techniques, their
patterns, why they behave they do, how you can heal yourself and much
more. I hope this book validates your how you feel as much as the books I
read and stories I’ve heard validated my experience. I will be happy if it
helps you make even a small step forward because once a covert narcissist
befogs your mind, every step forward can be crucial.
 Chapter 1:
Who are covert narcissists?
H ave you ever encountered a person who started of as being your
colleague, friend or partner who would listen to you, help you and
cheer for you, only to realize, months, even years later that they never really
cared for your wellbeing the whole time? Someone who you believed was
on your team but turned out to be the person who, as the time went by made
you feel guilty, drained or as if you are not good, or attractive enough? If
not, then you are the lucky one. If yes, you are a strong person who has
dealt with, or suspects are dealing with something psychiatrists call a covert
narcissist.
Covert narcissism is a Cluster B personality disorder that describes a person
who exhibits a series of recognizable narcissistic traits, with some of the
most distinctive ones being the lack of empathy for others and quiet
superiority. Although it has roots in childhood, the first signs are showing
as the disorder develops in late teens and early twenties, after which it
continues to progress. To really understand what this means, it’s important
to dive into what a narcissistic behavior really is at its core first, as all
subcategories of narcissism, including covert narcissism, revolve around the
same personality traits.
Some might say a narcissist is a person who loves themselves a bit too
much. And while this is true, when it comes to this personality disorder,
things are not that simple. In popular culture, narcissism is usually
associated with a group of personality traits, such as extreme self-
centeredness, grandiose sense of self, one's achievements and looks. But, in
psychiatric practice, this phenomenon goes a lot deeper than an inflated
sense of self-importance. The main reason why it is so hard to spot a
narcissist and define one lies in the fact that that there is not only one
parametre by which a narcissist can be defined but a few distinctive
parameters. So, what is narcissistic personality disorder all about?
Psychiatrists look for these traits:
● If someone in your environment seems to pay attention only to how
they feel, discarding everyone else’s opinions, feelings and
thoughts, you might be dealing with a narcissist. A narcissist has a
 lack of empathy for others and takes into consideration only their
needs and wants.
● A person who is willing to achieve their goals at all costs, even if
that means manipulating others or disrespecting their boundaries to
get what they want can possibly be a narcissist. Their primary focus
is on themselves, and themselves only.
● Someone with a narcissistic personality disorder often indulges in
daydreaming about having all the power and, being high above
everyone else, instead of being equal with others. This is frequently
followed by the firm belief that they deserve nothing but the best
and nothing below perfect suits them, b.3 social status, career,
romantic partner or a group of friends.
● Because they are ‘’above everyone else’’, narcissists tend to think
that they are entitled to be treated as such. They see themselves as
special, and deem others as average, not good enough or below their
league. Naturally, such an individual is often described as arrogant
which is evident in the way how they treat others. Everyone who
doesn’t like them is, in their eyes, envious and hateful, as they are
not as nearly beautiful, talented or successful as the narcissist is.
● A narcissist desires approval and wants to be admired no matter
how big their achievements are. Matter effect, they want to be
recognized as superior even when that superiority has no firm
foundation in reality. If someone in your circle expects to be
recognized as the most talented, the most beautiful or the most
successful person no matter whether that is objectively true or not,
you might be dealing with a narcissist.
Not all of the above are equally present in a narcissist's behavior and
persona, as there are different levels and types we can speak of. While in
some more severe cases all of these are very noticeable, in most cases it
takes some time and expertise to diagnose one as a narcissist. When it
comes to types, there are few classifications out there, with the most narrow
being the one given by James F. Masterson, which differentiates narcissists
in two categories: the exhibitionist and closet subtypes. The exhibitionist
subtype is the so-called ‘’extraverted’’, overt narcissist, the one that we
think of when someone mentions the word narcissist - the person who
seems to tick all the above-mentioned boxes of personality traits, as they
openly display them. Frequently, with overt narcissists, what you see is
what you get. With covert types, this is far from the truth.
Hiding behind the mask of sensitive, empathetic types that care for others
and their wellbeing, closet narcissists also believe they are important and
special just like overts do, but unlike their extraverted brothers, don’t show
it openly. Because overts usually have open displays of their own
grandiosity, it takes less time to see their narcissistic traits and therefore
leaves them behind. With coverts, this game looks a bit different. In many
cases, they appear to be quite the opposite of what a movie version of a
narcissist looks like, which is why it may take years for them to be
recognized as such. All that there is in our classic, overt narcissist, exists in
the second type as well. The difference is in the expression of pathological
traits.
What they have in common, and what is related to their lack of empathy, is
how they view other people. Not only do they believe they are superior and
better than everyone else, but they see people as sources or supplies for
their narcissistic needs. Because their self revolves around the belief that
they are superior, powerful and worth admiring, they, as such, need an
audience to cheer for them, like a star needs their fans to thrive in the world
of celebrities. A narcissist, no matter the type, thinks as a predator and you
are their prey.
Both overt and covert narcissists are damaging to people they associate
with. Both exhibit narcissistic traits and both have a lack of empathy and all
other traits common for this disorder. However, here is the catch - covert
types are the narcissists in disguise. And that is where their power for
destruction lies. Matter effect, these types are those that have the most
devastating effect on other’s well being, solely for the fact that they are not
easy to spot. Most of the time, it is quite the opposite.
Socially acceptable, people who others usually respect and believe are the
ones that can offer support and guidance is just the role they are playing.
And better believe it, they rehearsed it many, many times. It is a skill they
have mastered because they know the best way to get what they want from
others is by making others feel safe around them. Once you meet them, you
will rarely get red flags you’d get with the other type as they know very
well how negatively people can react to the open displays of arrogance or
superiority.
These individuals, deep down believe they are special and better than
everyone they have ever met, but somehow, the world overlooks their
uniqueness and above-average qualities. But you won’t see them blurting
about it. Not in the beginning stages of your relationship with them. They
actually care what you think of them. But not because they want to impress
you and truly care for you, but because they need you to approve them. And
trust me, they will go the distance to get this approval. They need to feel
validated and the best way to do that is by making you feel like you are
important, talented, listened to, cared for and understood - which is exactly
what they need from you.
Still not sure how this game works? It might comfort you to know that even
many psychiatrists get carried away by their charm in the initial stages of
psychotherapy - that is if they ever get to therapy.
By making you feel safe, important, praised and appreciated, they buy
themselves a seat in your group of friends or associates. What they give you
in the first months or years of knowing them is exactly what they want from
you and what they will demand you to give them later on. Their attention
and appreciation of you in the first stage is their way of ensuring a
narcissistic supply. But, because of their ways of ensuring such a supply,
after the love bombing stage, their supplies, people who are their targets
The real danger of encountering them lies in the fact that they act like
someone you’d love to have in your life. They are kind, dedicated, cheer for
you and know how to make you feel special, so who wouldn’t want them in
their life? This is their mastery of charm, that will, however, be present
throughout all stages of a relationship with them. In the beginning, they will
use it to win you over and by the end, they will use this charm to turn
yourself against someone you should love and trust the most - yourself.
This is when this allure joins with another trait of theirs used to control their
supply, and that is passive-aggressiveness which becomes the main tool for
gaslighting, a process we are yet to decode in the text that follows.
What is common for victims of narcissistic abuse, especially for those who
have suffered the abuse from a covert narcissist, is low self-esteem, guilt,
shame, poor self-image, despair, depression, anxiety, self-doubt, insomnia,
trust issues, isolation, and even paranoia. In the majority of cases, the
narcissist was someone very close to the victim, such as a parent, a sibling
or their best friend, which is why having one in your life can be so
devastating. These are the people who were supposed to always have your
back. Unfortunately, sometimes that is not the truth.
If everything you have read so far sounds too familiar to you, I hope it
brings you relief to know that what you have experienced or are
experiencing is not something you are imagining. You are not going crazy.
You have been gaslighted as every victim of narcissistic abuse is. It might
comfort you to know that you were chosen by them as you are a worthy
supply, not because you are worthless, crazy, oversensitive, unattractive or
anything else they made you believe you are once the bliss of the initial
stage of relationship with them fizzled out. What you need to know is that
narcissists pick their victims only if the victim has something to offer, be it
your optimism, intelligence, empathy, status, money or your good looks that
they used to show you around. Or all of the above.
Many who are or have been in a relationship with such a damaging
individual lived or live in the state of denial because covert narcissists are
manipulators of the first class, and will twist the mind even of the most
intelligent person. So don’t beat yourself up. You are not alone in this and
we will bust the covert together, understand who they are, but most
importantly focus on you and how you can heal from such toxic energy
only a closer narcissist can bring into your life.
In the book, I will use the terms victim, target and a survivor to describe
someone who has been or is dealing with a narcissist. A victim and a target,
because that is how the narcissist sees their supplies and survivor because
that is what people who had experienced narcissistic abuse truly are. Brave
people who unfortunately had to cross paths with these toxic individuals
and fight for keeping their light shining even in the darkest times.
Take a breather and let’s decode them so you can understand what kind of
individual you were dealing with. Here we go.
 Chapter 2:
Who can be a covert narcissist?
U nfortunately, a narcissist can be anyone. They play roles in various
walks of life and can be not only our lovers and spouses, colleagues,
friends, neighbors, or even family. The impact of a narcissist increases the
more personable encounters with them. The more we form a bond with
them, the more effective will they have on our lives. In all scenarios, we
don’t get to choose to be close with a covert narcissist - we are either raised
by them, seduced by them or have to work with or for them. Every setting is
different, but a narcissist will always remain dangerous, toxic and
manipulative, no matter the formality or level or closeness in your
relationship. The tighter the bond the greater the damage a narcissist can do,
which is why it is particularly hard to grasp that someone as close as a
mother, a father, a sibling or a spouse, is actually our greatest enemy.
In the family circle, for example, just like in all other settings, covert
narcissists are inhibited in their behavior, so it is likely that anyone who is
not part of the family will ever notice the narcissistic patterns. These
parents are usually very socially acceptable, likable, display themselves and
are perceived as perfect parents and members of society. However, behind
closed doors, they expect perfection from their kids, they want them to cater
to their needs and fit into the idea of an ideal child, shaming individuality
and authenticity. It is not uncommon for a narcissistic parent to project their
unfulfilled ambitions, expectations, and desires of social success onto their
children, putting a lot of pressure on the kids to achieve success, usually at
a child’s happiness and expense.
For narcissists, kids are just tools, narcissistic suppliers who are obligated to
reflect their parents’ false grandiosity. Here are some sentences these
parents say to their children: I do all of this for you and this is how you
pay me back? You are never going to be successful. No one will
ever like you if you behave that way. You are worthless. I can’t
believe you are my child. Why can’t you be more like me? You can
never do anything right. Why can’t you be more like your brother?
You always fail me. You don’t look very feminine in those clothes.
The message they send always the same: If you don’t do what I say and
want you to do, you are a bad child, undeserving of love and worthless.
These parents are never focused on a child’s happiness, but on their needs
and how others perceive them and ultimately never have their child’s best
interest at heart. However, they will make it seem like their child’s
happiness is the most important thing in the world. They impose their will,
control and manipulate children’s lives in a way that suits them. If a child
fails to fulfill covert parent’s expectations, they get shamed, punished or
compared to other, ‘’better’’ children.
It is not uncommon for them to have trouble letting their children grow up,
especially if the child supplied them with constant admiration throughout
childhood. A narcissistic parent will sabotage all their attempts to become
independent and lead a life on their own and make decisions under paroles
like You are not ready for such a huge change. How could you
survive on your own? You don’t even know how to iron a shirt. You
don’t have to work, I will pay for your hobbies. These kids grow up to
be unsure of themselves, feel infantile and incapable of making wise
choices or any choices at all. In such parenthood, there is no space for
following one’s passion, but there is immense pressure to fulfill
unreasonable expectations. As a result, children don’t feel heard, become
conflict-avoidant, anxious, rebellious or suppress their needs, which sadly
breeds more narcissistic abuse in the future. What many grow up to realize
is that it was their parents, people who are supposed to be the ultimate
caregivers, people everyone depends on in childhood and don’t get to
choose, turn out to be the most toxic people in their lives.
In the workplace, the narcissist will dim your light, kill your motivation,
discriminate against you, undervalue your work or take credit for your ideas
or achievements. The narcissistic neighbor will lie, accuse you, spread
horrible rumors, disrespect your privacy and property, turn everyone on
your street against you or complicate your life with legal matters. A
narcissistic friend will put you down, ignore your needs, lie, shame on your
emotions and maliciously undermine your happiness or success. The effect
is always the same - you will feel undervalued, bad about yourself, feel
unheard, unappreciated, ashamed, left out or guilty simply for having
feelings, thoughts and needs or being yourself.
 Chapter 3:
Who is their supply?
W hy me? Why did they choose me? I can’t believe I was so
naive! These are some of the thoughts that keep survivors of
narcissistic abuse awake at night. If you are one, know that there was a
good reason or more good reasons a covert picked you to be their partner.
And no, you were not naive.
Narcissists can’t feel empathy, don't trust others and don’t believe in
equality, so naturally, who would be the perfect match for them? You
guessed it right - someone who knows how to love, is empathetic, kind,
trusts others and treats them as equals. A narcissist will never allow
themselves to have a partner that is not worthy in the eyes of the public, as
they care deeply about what others think of them, depend on praise and
admiration. That being said, someone who they target is usually very
intelligent, self-confident, attractive, charismatic, ambitious or financially
well-off. Or has all of these traits. Because they can’t care for others
themselves, they instinctively target someone who has a lot of love and is
not afraid to give it.
Reliable, loyal and dedicated. These are traits everyone would love in a
partner and values worth admiring, and a narcissist knows how to spot the
real deal the moment they see you. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse
later regret being so open and trustworthy and close themselves off to others
and to love, losing trust in people, which is very hard to regain. These are
just some of the consequences of close relationships with such damaged
individuals. Although a bittersweet truth, the very fact that they chose you
to be their target speaks of your huge personal potential and value. Behind
the mask of a charming individual is an empty shell, a vacant person who
needs to feed on others to fill that void. Because they are so self-focused,
they need someone who is agreeable and easy to get along, and because
they are manipulative they need someone who is open, direct and honest in
their demeanor and communication so they always know where they're at
with you.
Learning that you were just someone’s narcissistic supply is very
devastating, especially because it is the survivors that gave their all and
invested so much of themselves in the relationship. It is very common to get
into an endless loop of self-blame or even self-hate once the nightmare is
finally over. Many survivors struggle with self-confidence, need some time
to regain a sense of personal integrity and independence and have a
negative self-image, doubting their intelligence, abilities, strength or
attractiveness. This is normal, as a relationship with a narcissist twists the
reality and reverses the roles for a while. After a period of abuse, it is the
survivors that feel empty, drained and hopeless, with nothing left to give.
Notice the roles reversing? This is because an empty person like a narcissist
needs something that will cherish them and this can’t be anything, but only
a top-quality supply of warmth and love. As predators, they feed off all the
positive in others, how thanks to the other and naturally, because they don't
give back in return, leave their survivors feeling empty, which is exactly
who a narcissist is - a vacant person. However, unlike converts, who will
never be able to love and trust, their victims can heal successfully from the
abuse and get back on their feet, usually stronger than ever.
What narcissists and their targets have in common is that they are both
idealists, who dream of perfect love and perfect life, but they do so from
completely different stances. While coverts believe they are superior and
deserve only the best treatment, their victims dream of ideal love because
they believe in love and humanity.
If you feel alone in your experience, know that there are others who just
like you, had the misfortune of a narcissist crossing your path. Stories of
survivors are different, but their personalities are always exceptional. Some
report they had a bad family history, were neglected and felt unloved as
children or had some childhood trauma. Some have narcissistic parents and
others come from families that made them feel secure and simply had no
experience with these kinds of malicious individuals. Whatever your
background, know that it could happen to anyone and being chosen by a
narcissist is not a sign of your weakness or naive personality. On the
contrary, they would never pick someone they know will break easily as
they feed off of strength. People with a well-rounded personality and
praiseworthy traits naturally attract people, and unfortunately, narcissists are
some of them.
 Chapter 4:
How to recognize a covert narcissist?
U nderstanding and uncovering a covert narcissist is never easy. Partially
for the fact that the way you felt in the beginning stages of a
relationship does not match how you feel in the final stages, and partially
because not all of them exhibit narcissistic behavior the same degree.
However, all of them harbor certain traits that are specific to this personality
disorder specifically and most of the time these are recognizable only once
the devaluation stage kicks in.
Unfortunately, narcissists around us are people we are deeply involved
with, which is why our judgment is clouded by emotions and loyalty to
them. Frequently, survivors of narcissistic abuse were raised by covert
narcissists only to end up in a relationship or marriage with another covert
or befriending narcissists. No matter who the narcissist is in one’s life, they
always have mentioned narcissistic traits in common. The only thing that is
different is the setting or area of life where the narcissistic abuse takes
place. The best way to uncover one is by examining how they make you
feel. Here is what converts have in common.
Projection
Behind the mask of a confident, charming person they display to the world
is deeply unsatisfied, and in their minds, misunderstood persona. While
some coverts are somewhat consciously aware of this feeling of inadequacy,
guilt, and shame, in most cases this plays out in their subconscious minds.
Because they reject or deny these feelings, the only way they can make
themselves feel better about who they are is by making you take on these
issues. It is a very common occurrence among narcissistic abuse survivors
to harbor self-hate during and after the relationship with such a damaging
individual, that, once the healing process takes place and the covert is out of
their lives, starts transforming into clarity - it was never them, it was the
individual they were dealing with. By projecting insecurities, identity
issues, fears, shame, guilt or anger onto you, coverts make themselves feel
better - more superior, in control and better than you.
How it works: Let’s say you are a naturally lively person who likes to
socialize and go on adventures. You love investing time and money into
new experiences and enjoy having a good laugh. As you are getting to
know them, a covert will tell you how fun you are and accompany you to
parties. However, once they got you hooked, they will stop laughing at your
jokes, refuse to go on adventures and cancel plans at the last minute. A
covert will do so with a blank expression on their face or rolling eyes as if
your suggestions were boring. Every healthy person will feel inadequate
and shameful. Are you indeed boring? Maybe you have lost the spark? This
is exactly how they want to make you feel. What lies behind that is how
they feel about themselves. Covert is not as fun as you are, but they would
like to be, therefore the only way to make them feel better about themselves
is by reversing roles. If you feel like you are the boring one, that means they
are more fun than you. Here is how they use projection for their benefit.
What a covert says: You always imagine problems, it’s like you
don’t want our relationship to work out.
The reality: You are noticing something isn’t right in the relationship and
are trying your best to communicate your doubts to your partner in order to
make the relationship work and resolve issues. They are the ones who don’t
want to work on the relationship but are paranoid about the idea of you
leaving them. As a result, you will feel guilty and paranoid for bringing up
issues.
What a covert says: I am afraid you are going to leave me. Are
you lying to me?
The reality: They want to make sure you are a secure narcissistic supply
while they are probably the ones lying to you. By justifying themselves,
they are reversing roles and transferring all suspicions from them onto you.
What a covert says: You only care about how you feel.
The reality: They don’t care about how you feel at all and will make you
think of yourself as selfish for wanting your needs and wants, which need to
be discussed in a healthy relationship, to be met. This way, the focus goes
back to them.

Chameleon personality
They know how to talk the talk and seem to be great conversationalists and
quite charming when you first meet them. However, their charm comes with
a special catch. Coverts are people who have no clear identity. Therefore,
every interaction they make with others, be it professional or personal, is a
different version of themselves; an adaptation to current circumstances and
people they currently interact with. They are very skilled at observing what
is it that other people value, what are their likes and dislikes, and according
to the information they gather by observing, they simply blend in. It
shouldn’t surprise you to find out that they were never into indie movies,
sports or music as you are like you thought they were in the initial stages of
the relationship. Taking on other people's interests and persona allows them
to take the relationship to the next level, create a bond with others and
secure narcissistic supply.
Someone who is unfortunate enough to spend years with them can start
noticing how this process works. Wherever they are among new people or
simply different settings, they act different and have no consistency in
interests as these seem to shift rapidly, which is not to confuse with a
healthy curiosity. They don’t have a strong sense of self or personal
integrity a mentally healthy person has. Many of them are smart people who
will do proper research on their future ‘’victims’’, especially if they sense
someone will be a really good, solid narcissistic supply. Remember, a
narcissist doesn't care about your needs, wants and interests unless they can
find a way to use your likes in their own benefit.
Infantile impulses
Somewhere along the lines in this text, there was a word or two about the
way they react when they don’t get what the want. The infamous silent rage
and passive-aggressiveness they harbor is a coverts way to project their
negative emotions onto you. Because the outer world doesn’t acknowledge
how superior and special they are, they constantly feel undervalued and
angry at everyone who doesn’t give them the time of day. You, probably the
only or one of carefully selected people who have the misfortune of seeing
this part of them, will get the worst end of the stick. By giving the silent
treatment every time you do something wrong, or even when someone else
does them wrong, will get you hovering between trying to figure out how to
cheer them up, trying to please them and figuring out what is wrong. This
game can go for days and leave the other side feeling very distressed.
Robbed of the ability to empathize and unable to rationalize their actions,
narcissists react with high emotional immaturity in, for them, triggering
situations. Chris recalls how distressing one of his attempts to leave a covert
girlfriend was.
She would cry hysterically, almost like a child who wants their toy
back. There was a mixture of fear and anger in her eyes that I have
never seen before, it reminded me of the Twin Peaks episode where
Bob finally gets uncovered in the jail cell. It was a scary thing to
watch. She walked around in circles than grabbed my arm and with
a tight grip, I could almost feel her nails piercing my skin. I
couldn’t believe I was looking at the same girl who showed zero
interest in the relationship for this whole time, standing in front of
me, weeping like an infant, throwing things around. I felt sorry for
her and stayed in the relationship, only to learn months later that
that was a terrible mistake. She repeated a similar performance
two more times, after which I finally terminated the relationship for
good.
Although not a general rule, some narcissists do get physically violent,
while the majority usually use insults to hurt the other. Because of the
inability to cope with stressful situations, which is due to their lack of
maturity and ability to relate to others and effectively learn from painful
experiences, they firmly hang on to passive-aggressive behaviors.
Taking instead of sharing
Relationships are a two-way street, but in a relationship with a covert
narcissist, that is never the case. Yes, it takes two to tango, just in this case,
one person needs to fully adapt to the other, regardless of how they feel and
what they think about the dance they are performing. The relationship with
them is based on imbalance, they take and never share, and if they do share
be assured they are doing it just so they can use it against you later. They
take your time, energy, money or body as they please and you better not
complain about it. Sex lacks intimacy, doesn’t make you feel loved or
bonded and your bank account is theirs as well. If you don't give them what
they want, many will sulk like little children, have rage tantrums or give
you the silent treatment. In their mind, you are just a property, an object
they hold on too tightly which helps them satisfy their needs and this
ultimately makes their victims feel extremely devalued, affecting their
mental health drastically. Because they know how much drama saying
‘’no’’ to the narcissist brings, they give in to what the covert desires and
wants in hope that will keep the peace and save the relationship.
The most unfortunate thing is that they do this behind closed doors when
it's you and them only, so even if you try to confide in someone about what
you are going through, chances are not many will believe you. After all,
they are the caring and charming ones who care about your wellbeing,
right?
The polarity
When Jenna confronted her husband and the father of her children
for not responding to her calls when he goes on a business trip, he
told her that he thinks it is healthy for the relationship not to stay in
contact all the time. He claimed it should be the time they take for
themselves and that she should lead a more active life and get a
hobby, instead of checking up on him all the time when he is
traveling. However, once she actually started practicing yoga and
going out with friends when he was away, he started blaming her
for acting responsibly and not calling him to check if he arrived
safely and say how kids are doing, claiming she must have found
another man.
Don't be surprised if you get blamed on what they advised you to do. It
might have suited them once they said it, but later, once it doesn’t they may
make you feel guilty for doing it. Polarity is not only about not keeping
promises or sticking to what they said. Coverts are good with words and
know how to get under your skin, saying just the right words to get things
to work in their favor. They frequently don’t follow through, whatever it is
they said or promised and they will twist the truth so it suits them. By
giving logical, seemingly full of understanding explanation of why they are
behaving the way they are or apologizing they intend to calm you and get
away with unacceptable behavior. Of course, this makes you try to
rationalize things, especially if the topic was something that bothered you
about them or the relationship and ultimately brush it under the carpet. They
readily make promises or make you feel heard, only to do quite the opposite
- because it suits them. As a result, you feel confused, not knowing what to
trust or how to approach the same problem. With them, many times things
don’t add up and they use this approach just to hush the situation they are in
if they feel exposed or attacked. Ultimately, their actions and words are
contradicting because many times they say appropriate or loving things just
to take you off their to-do list. They say they will make the effort, but they
never do.
 Self-absorbed personality
The self-centered personality becomes obvious months after the survivor of
narcissistic abuse starts healing from the damaging relationship with a
narcissist. Unlike with overts, who usually openly show how self-obsessed
they are, this group will show glimpses of their egocentrism through
disguised actions. Those who had a narcissist in their life describe how
confused they were when the person who seemed to care about their
wellbeing, the self-sacrificing person who they trusted, turned out to be
nothing else but self-absorbed, egocentric. And this is something they could
only realize once the narcissist got a one-way ticket for leaving their life for
good.
Loving ourselves first, so we can love others is a good thing, a healthy thing
to do. However, the mind of a covert functions a bit differently. The only
person a narcissist cares about is themselves and themselves only - and this
is where their capacity to love ends. The only needs that have to be met are
theirs and their perception of things is always better than yours. Combined
with well-developed manipulation tactics and the ability to project their
own issues and fears onto their victims, they achieve their ultimate goal,
which is to bring the focus back on the only person that matters -
themselves.
They don’t care how you feel but will make you feel guilty for feeling
anything at all unless the feeling revolves around your admiration of them.
And you better believe it, they have no real, genuine desire to know you.
However, being master manipulators, which is something we will talk about
later, they know how to put on a show, and they are able to do so as to look
they see it fit or necessary. Many of the survivors hold onto the good times
with them, blaming themselves for the failure of a relationship.
Maybe I should have been more caring. If I have only put more
energy and effort into the relationship. Maybe I was selfish for
asking for more intimacy in the relationship. Maybe I asked for too
much. These are just some of the questions victims of narcissistic abuse
keep ruminating after a breakup. But the truth is, only a healthy person,
who knows how to genuinely care and empathize with others can ask
themselves these questions. A covert will make you feel like you are never
enough and yet you will even have sleepless nights thinking what could
have you done more to make it work. You could have done nothing. If you
are asking yourself these questions know that you probably already gave
too much. Even if you died for them that they wouldn’t find it to be enough.
You orbiting around me 24/7 is not good enough, try harder. This is
their mentality.
They have no desire to know you. They don’t care about your day at work.
They don’t care about your problems and they will show you this but
engaging very little in things that matter to you - or not at all, making you
feel weak or guilty for even bringing up things that matter to you. In a
healthy relationship, you would never feel this way.

Manipulation and lying

Covert narcissists are masters at playing with your mind, to the point you
question your own actions, thoughts, memory and even sanity. They know
mind games very well and are not afraid to use them. This is extremely
devastating for one's mental health and even seemingly small things can be
used as a base for getting their needs met by tricking or lying to the other.
They need to be the ones who have total control over the relationship and
ultimately, over their supplies.
These are the - means justify the ends - kinds of games and because there
are so many ways they can manipulate you this book has a whole chapter
dedicated to this subject. A narcissist has no boundaries and will take what
they want from you, be it your time, money, your space, belongings,
empathy - and even sanity. They are master manipulators who know
exactly how to turn the people who are their supplies against themselves
while looking innocent themselves. They take advantage of and use people
for their own gain. They know how to turn every situation in their own
benefit and even go as far as making their target look crazy and paranoid in
the eyes of the public while displaying themselves as victims. Their actions
leave you with a lack of clarity and install doubt in you because you having
clarity is a potential threat to their stability because their stability is based
on you giving them what they want. People are just tools that help achieve
the goal and using others for their own gain is a consistent pattern of their
behavior.
Conditioning
Because connection with a covert is mudded by narcissists' behavioral
patterns, with them, the relationship feels like a contract, where nothing is
given freely, be it love, affection or time. In this sense, everything a covert
does for you is always done strategically, so they can benefit from it later
and gain control over the relationship. As a result, the whole relationship
feels restricting. Coverts use fake compassion, altruism, and empathy to get
under your skin. One of the strategies coverts rely on is offering help and
guidance at any time of the day, especially when you don’t ask for it, be it
help with things that make you feel extremely stressed or simple daily tasks.
They will pay you drinks, help you with work or even take on whole tasks
for you. Some will offer to land your money, pay your bills or talk to your
boss on your behalf. These kinds of behaviors are exactly what
distinguishes converts from overt narcissists - unlike overts, they act as the
very opposite of self-absorbed.
By doing things for you, they accomplish two things. One, they get you to
trust them and make you believe they genuinely care for your wellbeing and
two, they install guilt in you and weaken your sense of healthy
independence, which they can use to manipulate you. They did so many
things for you, so naturally, you feel the need to repay them somehow for
all the care and kindness they have shown to you. As a result, the
relationship loses the natural flow of giving and take. To have a balanced
relationship, a healthy person will respond to these altruistic behaviors with
the same level of altruism, but because the covert has done so much, the
other person feels pressured to balance the scales.
This creates a loop of guilt and creates a relationship that is based on
conditioning, and not on unconditional love that it seemed to be in the
beginning. By doing this, a covert ensures you will do anything they ask
from you, once you catch their delicious altruistic bait. Although they do
get verbal when conditioning their victims, many times they won’t even
have to say the words like I can’t believe you are so selfish, I did so
much for you and this is what I get back. You don’t care about me
at all, I can never rely on you. I was always there for you anytime
you needed help. I gave you all my love and time and you can’t help
me with one little thing. Their victims will naturally feel pressured to
give the covert whatever it is that they need.
The wise critique
Unlike the covert narcissist, who would openly put you down and discard
your efforts, with coverts, things get a bit more complicated and a lot more
undercover. Their aim is to lower your self-confidence by taking the role of
a wise teacher who only wishes the best for you. They are the one who
knows everything and you are an infant who is unable to deal with the
world around you. When they are around you simply won't feel supported
or protected and you won’t be able to pinpoint exactly why. In case
someone else critiques you, they will not come in your defense. Under the
parole that they want to help you learn important life lessons and give
constructive criticism is a strategy to make you feel undervalued,
incompetent or immature, while themselves appear wise and mature, no
matter the actual age difference.
No matter how good you are at something and no matter how hard you are
trying, in their eyes, you can always do better. They will criticize you with
special gusto if they notice you are trying really hard and exhausting
yourself under the parole that they want to push you forward. This is a
frequent trait of covert parents, who will act disappointed and withhold
affection to their kids if they fail to satisfy the impossible criteria of
perfection. Once you do succeed or get an amazing idea, they will make
sure to let you know what their contribution to your success was, or even
steal your idea. Taking credit for what someone else did is also not
unexplored territory for them.
Drama
Narcissists drain your energy. Because they operate as parasites, your peace
of mind is their food and they need to make something dramatic happen to
feel important and alive. Some will flirt with others in front of you, spend
the money saved together, spread false stories about you or turn your loved
ones against you by describing you as difficult, drama oriented or mad. Life
with them is not peaceful and many narcissistic abuse survivors recall that
such relationships are like walking on egg-shells, as there were tiny details
that would disturb the covert. There was no healthy communication, and
many describe arguments with them as drama for the sake of drama. Some
would come to your friends for advice about how to ‘’ deal with you’’,
telling them you are cheating, inconsiderate or selfish and they will do so
with the same innocent face they had when they met you. Combined with
their passive-aggressiveness, they would sometimes even make you leash
out on them wanting an explanation for the silent treatment they gave you,
only so they can accuse you of being the one that rages and likes to fight.
The distance they are willing to go to feed off your energy and disturb your
life is frightening.
Sabotage
The irony, or rather a painful truth, is that victims of narcissistic abuse
ruminate a lot about what they did wrong in the relationship, where it was
them who were full in and trying to make the relationship work. They
sabotage everything you care for, your relationship with them included.
Once the initial stages of a relationship end and the devaluation start taking
its toll, it is never the covert who tries to talk about problems, gives
thoughtful gifts, focuses on possible solutions, compromises, plans for a
date, fun time or anything else that is important to keep the relationship
going. Matter effect, they are no interested in healthy relations at all which
is why they won’t try to fix it, work on it or make it better. Once their
victims catch the bait, a narcissist will leave it all up to them and won’t
move a finger. Because a close relationship is supposed to make you feel
happy, so naturally, they won’t put in the effort.
They don’t want a stable, healthy drama-free relationship. A covert
narcissist is not interested in your happiness, as they see any positive
emotions you go through, anything that makes you feel stable and joyful as
a potential threat that will empower you and take you, their narcissistic
supply, away from them. This is why they will sabotage everything you
care about a need to heel nourish as an individual, be it your career, a
hobby, friends or sex, which they will withhold from you. They do this by
using projection and some of the manipulation techniques will dive in later.
Some coverts will go as far as turning the little people who support you
against you. Others will look for flaws in what you do and lavish you with
pessimism.
They are jealous of everybody's success, and you are not an exception.
Although they will never display that openly, they will do little things to
undermine your happiness, either by withholding support, by giving you
backhanded compliments or constructive criticism.
Either way, they will make sure you are never better than they are because
the only person that deserves to be praised is themselves. They won’t
celebrate your success not be there to cheer for you on important days. You
being successful awakens deepest insecurities in them and because they see
the world as their opponent they compare themselves to, they won’t enjoy
being under the rays of your bright shining light.
 Detachment
Amanda recalls: Looking back, there was something about him that
made me feel alienated and understood at the same time. His words
were comforting, but there was something missing in his
expression. Now that I think of it, I never felt he genuinely cared
about what I had to say. That’s what was missing, the genuine
connection.
Cold, detached, uninterested, and emotionally distant. These are just some
words used by people who had a covert in their lives. A relationship with
them is clouded with a lack of freedom to express oneself. The spontaneity
of a relationship and its natural flow are rarely present.
This is because a cover needs to feel in control and to stay in control they
need to detach. They create emotional distance, yet use their charm to talk
the right talk. The relationship lacks intimacy, be it mental or physical or
both. Even when they confide and open up, the conversation feels more like
a philosophical discussion, than a genuine connection.
 Chapter 5:
The manipulation
M ind games cover narcissists play consist of many tactics they use to
shift the reality to their own benefit. Control over the relationship and
over the other person they have an intimate relationship is of crucial
importance for their survival. This is why they have well developed
underhanded, concealed manipulation techniques that are difficult to
recognize. These behavioral patterns include playing with someone's mind,
conspiring against the other, devaluing, blaming the other and many others,
all of which are used to confuse, distract and attain control. The danger of
these games is that they have serious consequences on the person they are
practiced on, in some cases even leading to suicide. A covert narcissist is a
very malicious and toxic individual, and here are all the manipulation
games they play on their victims.

You must be going out of your mind, that never happened.

Jenifer always kept her clothes tidy and in one place. She never had trouble
with losing or misplacing her stuff until she moved in with her sister. She
began noticing her clothes were missing and asked her sister about it, but
she would always give Jennifer a negative answer. I don’t know, you must
have lost it/misplaced it. After a while, she started noticing her sister's
perfume or the smell of cigarettes on her clothes. At this point, once asked
about it, Jenifer's sister would say things like: Don’t blame me for your
lack of organization. Who knows where you were. Try remembering
things a bit better and stop blaming others for your lack of memory.
Sometimes she would be angered or irritated with such questions, raising
her voice. She would even go as far and say things like: You are
imagining things again. Oh, don’t you remember, you borrowed me
that jacket for my night out on Friday. Jennifer couldn’t recall such
agreements. After a while, she began questioning her own judgment and
sanity. Maybe I did forget. Maybe she is right. What is wrong with
me.
In reality, nothing was wrong with her. She was not crazy. Jenifer indeed
never borrowed her clothes and her sister did take it once she needed it.
What she was experiencing is known in psychology as gaslighting. It is a
process when one manipulates their target by denying, shifting blame or
negating the truth, which as a result causes their victims to question sanity
or memory. This is very damaging to one's mental health, as the victim
starts doubting their own reality, what they saw or heard.
In the workplace, gaslighting can manifest in many different variations,
from covert narcissist taking credit for your achievements and ideas did
while convincing you you had nothing to do with it, to concealing important
information and turning this against you. They won’t tell you about the
changes in schedule, cancelation of projects, new rules or strategies, only to
have you break the rules or put the effort in a project that is canceled or
paused. Once you make a mistake, they will kindly tell you about the rules
or changes, with: I told you about it or how can’t you remember, we
discussed it two times already and similar convincing acts. The goal is
always the same, and that is to sabotage you, make you question your own
memory, competence, abilities, and sanity. In the process, they will look
like a professional, caring hero archetype, and you will look like a mess in
front of the collective.
They will be the dedicated ones, the ideal team player, who wishes only the
best for you and the company, no matter if they are your teammate or a
boss. Meanwhile, you will be stressed, exhausted, start losing self-
confidence and thinking you are going mad. The most unfortunate thing is,
very few people, if anyone, will believe you even if you start suspecting
something is off about the narcissist, and not you. After all, they will do
anything to make others like them and will use this charm even on your
beloved ones if they have a chance, only for everyone to play on their side,
which only enhances the effects of gaslighting.
Contradicting words and actions.
Remember that we talked about how unstable narcissist's persona is because
they become who they are with? The lack of identity allows them not only
to adapt to the target and present the desirable traits, but it also helps them
attain control. How? By being as equally fluid with actions and words.
They don’t have a sense of morality and therefore their values and opinions
change based on their current needs and circumstances. As a result, their
partners often get very confused when the very thing the covert said they
loved about them is what they suddenly hate. They change depending on
how strong and independent you are or are not, as well as depending on the
stage of a relationship you are in.
If they say they will take you to a theatre and you agree on it weeks before
the show, few hours before the show they will lay on the couch, pretending
like there was no promise made. If they say they won’t call you names, they
certainly won’t stop doing it. Maybe they will even add some new ones to
the list. If they said they love your body, they will make fun of your belly
when you are intimate. If they said they love your cooking, they will
criticize and reject the meals you make.
The point of this tactic is to achieve two goals, hence the duality. The first
one is to buy you with the first action and the second is to make you feel
confused, distort your perception and play with your memory. The first
action, affirmative action, is there to make the other person give in and trust
that the narcissist loves them because people naturally care the most about
the opinions of people they are close with. The second, of course, is taken
to gain control. A narcissist's words don’t match their actions, but their
victims usually never realize their behavioral pattern because a covert is
good with words and knows exactly what to say at the right time. They
don’t care about staying true to their promises, but only about being
exposed, being confronted or losing narcissistic supply At the very last
stage of a relationship, when first few, usually unsuccessful attempts to
break up with the narcissist occur, it is frequent for a narcissist to play this
game. They promise they will be a better more caring partner, that they will
improve intimacy or be more open, stop mistreating, cheating or lying.
Once the dust settles in and narcissistic supply is ensured, all the words
become erased.
The game of hot and cold.
Here is a short story: Nicole and her boyfriend didn't go on a date for
some time. One night, Mark, her boyfriend, took her out to her
favorite expensive restaurant, they would laugh, flirt and kiss all
night long. She felt invigorated and loved. The feeling lasted for
two days. On the third day, he was cold and distant as he was for
two weeks before the date. This pattern went on and on in their
relationship for months.
The relationship is based on giving crumbs of affection and attention at
coverts' free will. Since the narcissist has ensured they have gained the
other person’s trust by lavishing them with constant affection, admiration,
and love, they can securely switch to playing this game. It is based on a past
memory of good times with a narcissist a victim has and careful dosing of
affection. By doing the bare minimum they keep their targets hooked. The
target is left confused, yearning for love and affection, which gives the
manipulator full control over the relationship as it is they who have the
power to give or withhold love and affection. The other person feels
unloved, unworthy of love or thinks that there must be something wrong
with them because the narcissist has stopped loving them. With this
method, a covert devalues, sending a message to the other person that they
are not loveable.
Many times, victims feel drawn to try harder to make the relationship work
believing their partner, the narcissist is losing interest. Once they feel all
hope is lost and contemplate about giving up trying or leaving the
relationship, the narcissist kicks in with displays of love and affection, only
to lure the other person back. When the other is lured back in, they can
safely go to being emotionally detached until the next red alert their supply
gives them. In psychology, this is called intermittent reinforcement, and it is
a process where the free flow of love and affection is restricted and replaced
by careful dosing of love in order to attain control over the other and the
relationship.
The game of targeting weakness.
We all have something we don’t like about ourselves. In a healthy
relationship, our partner, parent or friend will accept us for who we are and
cherish our imperfections. In a relationship with a narcissist, that is never
the case. Targeting their victim’s weaknesses and insecurities is used to
trigger self-doubt and lower self-esteem. They can trigger you either by
actions or words, but the results are still the same, all in order to make you
feel infantile like you are not-good-enough or lovable. Sometimes they will
be very upfront, telling you to lose weight or stop embracing yourself. What
may seem like a constructive criticism coming from the person you love, is
actually a malicious attempt to make you more conscious of your
dissatisfaction with your body or your social anxiety. They don’t do that
because they want to help you become a better person, but because they
need to feel better themselves. While these comments are usually very
direct, but they have mastered the skill of putting you down without being
too obvious. Sometimes, however, they target weakness more subtly.
You know a lot about engineering for a person with your
background.
That makeup is amazing, you are completely transformed.
That outfit really makes you look skinnier, you should wear it more
often.
I am sorry for interrupting you at work, I thought your job isn’t so
consuming.
You look like a real man next to that car.
Congratulations on your speech, you appeared very self-confident today.
These comments are meant to put down, degrade and are disrespectful and
insulting to the person they are directed at. What makes them so demeaning
is the fact that they are wrapped in the sheets of honesty. Compared to
upfront insults that are easier to be recognized as hateful, these so-called
left-handed compliments make the target really think the ‘’truth’’ behind
‘’compliments’’ reflects how others see them. A person who is made
believe there is something wrong with them, particularly if that is
reaffirmed by someone they have trust in, like a narcissistic parent or a
long-term partner, is easier to manipulate.
Apologize to me because I hurt you.
Max wanted to start a family business and open a hostel in the
other part of the house he was living with his mother. To use the
space, he needed her legal approval as the owner of the house. She
never gave him the permission he needed but kept nagging about
how incompetent he is. When he got a position in France, she
blamed him for leaving his ill mother alone and thinking only about
himself. When he confronted her about the behavior this is what he
got: If you really wanted a career as much as you claim, you would
get it regardless of what anyone else thinks and you would find a
way to do so.
Because nothing is the relationship is ever their fault, so naturally, they
need to twist the reality in order to make it work for their own benefit. They
do so shifting the blame on you, even if they are the ones who cause your
heartache. A covert does something hurtful or inconsiderate and they get
called upon the unaccepted behavior. To defend themselves, they will take
the focus off themselves by blaming you. The process includes both
negating the truth while refusing to take responsibility for their actions and
deflecting, changing the course of blame and transferring it to the other
person. Here are a few sentences people who dealt with coverts has to
share:
I wanted to talk to you about it, but you are so oversensitive, I
didn’t want to hurt you.
I flirted with that girl because you made me feel unwanted.
I didn’t put you down. Why do you always want to make me look
like a bad guy when I care for you the most?
Any intelligent person who reflects on their own actions will start
questioning whether the narcissist truly has the point. The initial confusion
after deflecting leaves narcissist enough space to shift the focus on the other
person. Be it putting their targets in the defensive mode (I am not
oversensitive), making them question their behavior and actions ( How
did I make you feel unwanted, why did you feel that way? ) or simply
making the target look like a bad guy who needs to apologize ( I am sorry,
I know you care for me, I guess I was just triggered ), their targets
feel mixture of confusion, anger, conflict, guilt, shame and a variety of
other negative emotions.

Everything is your fault.

Similar to previous, but far more upfront and nonetheless equally hurtful is
the everything is your fault game. One thing they love doing is shifting
the blame to the other person, and because people they have close
relationships with are usually empaths when blamed on, they will feel
guilty. Anyone who has a narcissistic parent or spouse knows how it is to
feel guilty for something they didn’t do or couldn’t change. I couldn’t live
my life because you were born. It is your fault I am not successful.
It’s your fault I slapped you yesterday. It’s your fault we don’t sleep
together anymore. The list goes on. This way they turn their partners or
children into scapegoats. It is an escape mechanism they are not aware of
by which they express dissatisfaction with themselves by blaming you for
their own bad behavior. You triggered them. You caused it. It is not them
who are mistreating you, it is you who is causing that behavior, otherwise,
they would never act that way. The interesting thing is, that this blame game
can be practiced only on self-aware people who are naturally focused on
bettering themselves and their relationship, as someone who is not self-
reflective won’t bite into it, which is exactly why narcissists pick intelligent
ones and empaths. Frequently, they use blame as a counter-attack, or simply
to leash out on someone because deep down they believe the world is unjust
to them and doesn’t acknowledge their brilliance.
They have a victim mentality combined with an extreme superiority
complex and since their targets are always caring, loving people, it is easy
to slip into narcissists’ guilt-tripping game. Their targets genuinely want to
make the relationship work and make their partner, parent or boss happy.
Unfortunately, with a narcissist, whatever may be said or done, it is never
enough. Nothing can satisfy their egos and there is no amount of
admiration, love or appreciation that will make them respect their targets.
Because of this mentality, they crave approval and if they don’t get it, they
will make you feel sorry you didn’t obey their irrational, grandiose
demands. In a family where one parent is a covert narcissist and there are
children, it is not uncommon for one child to become the golden child and
other the scapegoat. The scapegoat is the child who gets blamed for
wrongdoings and mistakes made by others and it is usually the child that,
unlike the golden child who successfully fulfills narcissist’s desires, doesn’t
want to obey to demands or become the perfect child the narcissist expects
them to be. As a result, they get shamed for being authentic, for not being
as good as their sibling and get frequently unjustly punished and abused as
a result.
Covert narcissists are skilled at distorting reality and will know exactly how
to use your actions or inactions against you. Again, like other manipulation
techniques, this is a way of making you feel small, and because you are
small and powerless (read: guilty) that means they are better than you. More
so, you are presented as an obstacle to happiness and not acknowledged for
all the efforts you put in.
I know what you need to be happy, so I am not going to
give it to you.
Probably the most undercover manipulation technique psychiatrists allude
to when discussing the narcissistic personality disorder is withholding. To
be able to withhold something, they first need to be in the role of a
provider. While one provides, the other is in a constant state of lack and
depends on their provider’s willingness to give them what they need.
Because a healthy relationship is not a trading deal, they need to make up
the goods they will bargain or withhold from the other. Although some
narcissists provide financially, others use different resources such as praise,
affection, intimacy or support, which is cruel and extremely depriving. In
loving relationships, these things should be equally provided to both parties
without conditioning, but with a narcissist that is never the case.
A narcissist won’t cheer for you, support you or do anything else a loving
partner should do. They will do the opposite and even punish you solely for
the sake of ruining your happiness. Since their expression of dissatisfaction
includes a spectrum of passive-aggressive behaviors fueled by silent rage,
they will punish you for being successful, self-assured or enthusiastic
simply by not joining you in your happiness. Did you get promoted? They
won’t give you a pat on the shoulder but will be moody or brag about their
bad day only to kill the joy. Did you make an amazing acquaintance? They
will make sure to go the extra mile to detach from you that day.
Withholding revolves about silent punishment for something you have
never done and they make their partners feel like love is too much to ask
for. Passive-aggressiveness causes the other person to feel like a burden to a
narcissist, like what they are hoping for is too much. This is possible thanks
to a so-called silent treatment which is a tool that helps in shifting the focus
back onto the narcissist.
They are very aware of what their counterpart needs to feel fulfilled in a
relationship, but because the happiness of the other, in their eyes takes the
control away from them, they resort to holding back and denying the other
whatever it is they crave the most. All the survivors of narcissistic abuse
remember living with a constant yearning for closeness and intimacy. One
of the big issues therapists highlights all narcissists have in common is their
inability to feel close to people and experience intimacy. This is why some
ex-partners describe sex with them as robotic and soulless. They felt like
intimacy was just a task a narcissist wanted to tick as quickly as possible,
without giving them any warmth or caring about pleasing them.
Sex is a natural component of a relationship, something that helps us bond
with the other on the deepest level, but with such an individual, and just like
all other areas of relationship, it lacks in closeness and feels unpleasant or
restrictive at the least. It naturally derives pleasure and contentment, which
is why they withhold it. Many narcissists use withholding intimacy as a way
of making their counterparts unwanted and unattractive, which drastically
changes their self-image for worse. It’s painful because it feels like you are
not deserving of pleasure. They take you and your body in the sense that
you are there to please them, and they never please you. Just like the
emotion of love and honest devotion you have for them, narcissists use
intimacy to manipulate you and take away your personal power and
enjoyment. Many women who dealt with a covert I talked to told me they
could never relax during sex with them. They felt constricted, it’s like their
body knew something was off way before their rational mind did. When
you feel safe and loved for who you are, you have no trouble enjoying
yourself in the arms of your partner. A narcissist will, just like with
everything else, make you feel it’s your fault you two are not intimate
frequently and will do so without saying. And just like with any other area
of your relationship, sex too will revolve around them. They will take you
when they want you but perhaps will reject you when you crave them. After
all, all they need to do is not making you feel loved in their arms, while you
are in their arms.
It is always the ‘’little things’’ that make you feel unwanted. The lack of
foreplay. No eye contact during sex. No kissing. No cuddling. As the effects
of love bombing start to fade, sex with your perfect partner, who is so
compatible with you, will feel different. They know you depend on them for
sexual pleasure, and because of their complete, cruel detachment during
intimate moments and your feeling like something is wrong with you and
your body, you probably never sought pleasure outside the relationship.
And if you have sexual fantasy and you tell them about it, rest assured you
the moment they ‘’fulfill’’ it will be the moment it won’t be your fantasy
anymore because of how uninterested or bothered about it they appear.
They will never say it, but you will feel it is off.
It is not uncommon for survivors of narcissistic abuse to be embarrassed
about their physique, even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with
them. Matter effect, many men and women who were with someone with
NPD are attractive people, as a narcissist will never allow themselves to be
with someone who doesn’t boost their status that way. First sexual
encounters with the next partner, who is not a narcissist feel so relieving
and empowering, it almost makes you cry of joy. The very fact that the
sexual dysfunction you believed you had for so long and your inability to
orgasm is wiped away once you begin healing is one of the happiest, most
freeing acknowledgments you’ll ever have. That’s how depriving a
relationship with someone who has a twisted narcissistic mind can be.
Some other techniques recognized in people with this personality disorder
include reduction mechanisms, overly dramatic displays and using other
people to manipulate. The reduction technique is based on invalidating and
downplaying the emotions, perceptions, and thoughts the other person is
experiencing, followed by blaming them for being overly dramatic or
oversensitive. This results in the other person closing in and isolating
themselves, feeling unheard and misunderstood. Because the narcissist
doesn’t intend to deal with anyone else's feelings and needs but their own,
they will find the quickest way to stay in control of a situation, which is by
invalidating the importance and intensity of their partner's feelings.
Contrary to this, when it’s their emotions in play, they blow things out of
proportion and show glimpses of narcissistic rage, of which we will discuss
in the next chapter. Since their partner is viewed as their property, it is
important to minimize the influence of other people on their target.
Although not all narcissists do this, those who do have a hazardous effect
on interpersonal relationships of anyone related to their target and the
target. They act as a medium between a few or more people, creating a hate
triangle, where the narcissist plays a shoulder to cry on both sides and then
uses the information or creates false information to make a feud between
two people. This way they not only create a false image of their target but
also create a solid ground to isolate them, all in order to be the biggest
influence in this person’s life.
All techniques are based on their desperate need to have power in any given
moment because showing love and kindness is perceived as weakness and
makes them feel subordinate. They feed on and indulge in fantasies of
ultimate power, domination, seductiveness or authority and this is why they
see other people as their opponents, rather than partners. The relationship is
hence a power game, not a medium for interpersonal growth.
 Chapter 6:
The isolation
I t felt like I had no life outside the relationship. I had very few
friends at the time. That relationship was my whole life. I felt like
no one understands me. I felt like I didn’t matter. This is how life with
a narcissist feels like. All survivors I had a chance to talk to say that a
relationship with a narcissist made them suffer loneliness and isolation.
While not a manipulation technique, them isolating you from friends and
loved ones is a form of control. The process of isolation is complex and
includes a few elements, which are your glorified perception of a narcissist,
triangulation and all the mentioned manipulation techniques combined
together.
Being involved with a narcissist means the whole focus of the relationship
is on them and this leaves no to little space for other people in your life.
Gaslighting and drama you are pulled in demand a lot of personal energy,
and leave none for other areas of life. On top of that, the partner you are
investing so much of yourself is giving nothing in return, feeding you
crumbs of affection when they find it suitable. A person with NPD will first
make you believe you have found your soulmate, and because they are so
helpful and loving, no other person will be able to compete with the amount
of affection you are receiving from them.
In the romantic relationship or work setting, in the beginning, there is a
natural inclination to spend time with the newfound ideal partner or do
some extra work for the best boss you’ve ever had, however, the first red
flags show as early as this infatuation.
The narcissist asks to spend more and more time with the victim or does
more not asked for favors which innocently puts them in the spotlight. They
become someone you love to spend time with and often chose not to say no
to. As time goes by, these favors and showers of love will slowly become
debts to repay, and which leads to you circling around them, trying to make
them happy and invest in the relationship.
You are pulled to invest more and more the point you start losing other
people and your own identity out of sight. At the point where their
manipulation develops and advances, you are already too invested and too
emotionally and mentally worn out to deal with other people.
Someone with NPD will make you feel constricted to express yourself and
will do so with passive-aggressive tantrums and blame game. Survivors
explain that talking about their issues felt like they are being a burden on
the narcissist, so they would just rather keep everything in. The blame
game, underhanded comments and emotional detachment will make you
want to be stoic and strong, as to not be perceived as overly sensitive or
overdramatic, which is why they want you to think you are.
Isolation, however, reaches larger scales and affect a victim’s relationships
with others. Due to psychological triangulation, a process where the
narcissist includes a third party in their relationship with the victim, the
victim loses connections or reputation in society.
The narcissist aims to weaken their supplies support network, as this gives
them more power to influence their target’s life and manipulate them once
other people are out of the equation. They do so by acting concerned for
your behavior, health or wellbeing.
I’m concerned about her mental health and I don’t think she will
listen to me, so please if you can talk to her about it. I feel so hurt
because she blames me for flirting, but she is my whole world I
would never look at other women. I am afraid he is hiding
something from me, he is acting distant towards me. He yelled at
me yesterday, I am so scared to talk to him now. I am just
concerned about those friends she hangs out with, they seem to be
a bad influence. He is just so negative lately, I can barely talk to
him. She won’t be able to come to your party, she is too tired from
work these days and needs some rest. She is only focused on her
work, she barely has time for our children.
While these sentences may seem like expressions of real calls for help,
genuine care and pure emotion to an outsider, they are always twisted truths
or pure lies that serve the covert to create a bad image of you, so you lose
your support system.
Unfortunately, this may work even on your closest people, such as friends
and family, as these people, just like you, know how to love and trust.
Because they love you, they will believe the narcissist must have a proper
reason to be concerned and they will come to you with the image of you the
narcissist has projected onto them. A narcissist will usually back their lies
with real, rare events the person who they are trying to triangulate with
could witness themselves. Events are, of course, taken out of context to
serve the narcissist in creating an anti-you scenario. This makes the story
even more convincing.
As a result, their victims face rejection, feel isolated, misunderstood,
confused and excluded. Many don’t have a clue that the narcissist has
included the third person to create these twisted truths, just because the
narcissist seems so genuine. This is how they create their enablers, their
flying monkeys.
These are people who enable narcissists to proceed with their malicious acts
and continue with devaluing and abuse. While not having malicious
intentions themselves, flying monkeys chose the side of a narcissist, many
times not knowing they are doing so.
Instead, they truly believe they are being helpful. In the process, the
narcissist will seem completely innocent, like they had nothing to do with
how other people see you. You may be very surprised by how people start
acting towards you and this can drain you and make you feel even more
alone.
 Chapter 7:
Stages of a relationship with a covert narcissist
A relationship with a narcissist doesn't have the natural flow and is
characterized by stages that are absent in healthy relationships. The
natural balance of giving and take is disrupted and relationships with such
individuals start with infatuation and idealization, only to end in
devaluation, rejection and complete discard of narcissist’s partner. In
psychological and therapeutic practice there are three main stages of a
relationship with a narcissist and these are idealization phase, devaluation,
and discarding.
Idealization
During the idealization stage, the narcissist earns their target’s trust by
showering them with affection, appreciation, praise, and adoration. They lift
the other person up, cheer for them, offer unlimited support a shoulder to
cry on, act as a friend in need and a perfect lover who just knows how to
make things right. This is called love bombing and during this phase, it is
narcissist’s aim to recreate the ideal relationship, earn the trust and loyalty
of their targets.
Covert narcissists have a fluid identity, that allows them to transform like a
chameleon and adapt to any person they are with, in order to gain their
respect and trust. They are perceptive, analytical and will investigate the
target carefully, in order to create the perfect scenario that ultimately gives
them the green light to the next phase of a relationship we will decide soon
in the text. It is in a narcissist's interest to be liked, and so they create the
persona that is likable as the only thing they care for is admiration. This
first stage is about them taking on their target’s identity in order to get the
admiration they believe they deserve. The behavior almost resembles a
teenager who desperately wants to fit in with a group of popular people, just
to be popular and liked themselves. Emotional detachment and infantility
allow them to reflect the person they are with, quickly attaching their needs
and wants to the other person - they are giving because they know it will be
appreciated and make them likable. Needing acceptance and admiration
from you, a narcissist will do anything to get it and will go about it so
smoothly you will hardly notice they are mirroring who you are. In other
words, they will do it covertly.
The love bombing is based on acts and words of adoration that are
excessive and ‘’too good to be true’’. The survivors of narcissistic abuse
often say that the relationship with covert was like heaven in the beginning.
It was perfect. It felt like a fairy tale. Our relationship was ideal. I
thought I finally found someone who gets me. They made me feel
special. They seemed like the person I have been waiting for all my
life. I thought I have finally found my soulmate. We were the best
couple. We had so much in common. Back then I felt so lucky I
found them. They know how to target your weaknesses and use them to
manipulate you, at this stage by earning your trust by building you up in
those areas you feel insecure about. When love bombing, they will realize
you and the relationship, make you feel very special and worthy of love,
only to make you feel completely opposite at the next two stages of the
relationship.
It is a very common thing for survivors of narcissistic abuse to say that they
were very impressed by their covert had the same interests, lifestyle, and
hobbies as they did. A narcissist does detailed research on their targets and
will spend time learning about and absorbing the interests, tastes, likes, and
dislikes of their person. While there is a natural incarnation people have to
be open to learning about interests people they like have, in the light of a
narcissistic personality disorder this is not a result of curiosity, but a lack of
identity and the desire to be so desperately liked and worshiped. Many
lovebomb others by taking care of their needs, giving them gifts,
compliments, praise, taking them places or being overly helpful even when
there is no actual help needed. This behavior has a certain level of
pushiness, but because it seems really genuine, the person who is being
love-bombed perceives the narcissist as the nice person who just wants to
love and care for them. Many of their former partners say they actually felt
unexplainably uncomfortable for receiving so much attention and in need to
return the affection or favors, but couldn’t recognize it as a red flag back
then.
Ultimately, in the love-bombing stage of a relationship, the narcissist treats
the other person as they were the same. Although it is never a conscious
process in their mind, the person they are targeting is seen as an extension
of themselves. In the beginning, this person is the extension of their praise-
needy, self-important, ‘’ideal’’ side of the personality, a boost to their ego
that shows how valuable they are. The other person is a ‘’replica’’ of
themselves and they are a replica of that person, their interests, thoughts,
and feelings. This process is called mirroring or projecting the aspects of
self to the other person. However, it is a two-way street, and so at this first
stage, the target of a narcissist will feel very special, beautiful, respected for
their talents, important or praiseworthy - which is exactly what a narcissist
thinks about themselves.
Everything they do they need to be returned and in double or triple doses. If
they do a lot of helpful things for you in the beginning stages of a
relationship, rest assured they will require you to do little or big favors for
them and make you feel guilty when you are not able to put a pause on your
life and deliver what they need when they need it. The idealization phase is
a base a narcissist builds for themselves to create a safe zone where they
can be admired while gradually revealing their true selves as the
relationship progresses. The paradox of this disorder is that the narcissist
knows that the way to connect with other people is to be open, empathetic
and interested in the other person and so they use it to create an
environment where they can be who they are - the unempathetic, closed-off
person who doesn’t care about the other. The final goal is to make the target
comfortable enough so they can gradually refocus the relationship towards
themselves.
This stage, just like the other two, is as present in work and family
environment as much as it in love relationships and friendships. For
instance, covert narcissists are often praised and respected members of
society, many of which are very involved with charity work or are in
important positions. They care about their status and what others think of
them, so naturally, many will opt for careers that allow them to be in the
spotlight in one way or another. Covert colleagues and bosses will be the
first ones to hop in to help you with tasks, help you get things done and
even take on your part of the job on themselves. This, however, lasts only
during the first stage, when you get to know them. They appear agreeable,
kind, generous, charismatic and everyone seems to love them. Remember,
no matter what place they take in your life, there are always three stages of
a relationship with the present. Don't be surprised that once the appreciation
bombing phase is over you get criticized, unappreciated for things you were
once praised for, or if they take the credit for your ideas or give it to
someone else. They want your full trust and will give you praise and help
whenever you need and don’t need it, only to twist the reality and diminish
your ambition, work drive, and health later on.
Devaluation
It is at this stage where little things they adored about you suddenly become
flaws and something you are ashamed of. Once the relationship is
established and the covert has created a safe haven by gaining your loyalty
and trust, they gradually start expressing their dissatisfaction with the
relationship and you. Because they have first carefully analyzed your
weaknesses and built you up, they will start using your fears and
insecurities against you. Although never or rarely openly, they slowly
diminish their target’s self-confidence by planting the seeds of self-doubt,
fear and even self-hate in them. This happens periodically, it is hard to
pinpoint and even harder to understand, because it is done so subtly and
entwined with sporadic acts of love and kindness, especially at the
beginning of this stage.
The trouble here is that a covert narcissist devalues their partners subtly and
appears completely innocent in the process. Most often than not, this
devaluation manifests in little things they don’t do for you rather the things
they say directly and openly, especially at the beginning of this stage.
Because it is a covert narcissist we are talking about, this phase can revolve
simply around them not acknowledging your needs, wants and desires,
showing less and less interest in your life and you as a person. They will not
shout, be cruel in obvious ways, yell or say mean things. Instead, they will
damage your self-esteem in little, subtle ways, later turning to more serious
manipulation techniques mentioned in the previous chapter. Devaluation
can go from little things like not replying to text messages, not calling when
agreed upon or prioritizing other people or things to give silent treatments,
criticizing, nitpicking or blaming the other. The reason for devolution is to
make them feel better about themselves because that is the level of
emotional maturity the narcissist operates on.
In the workplace this can manifest as falling from the number one worker to
the average one, comparing or praising other employees who put in even
less effort than you do. At the beginning of his career at the company,
Richard was his boss's favorite employee, always prized for his
ambition, problem-solving skills, and efficiency. It was his dream
job, so he tried his best to put all his enthusiasm in it. However, as
time went on, he could hear his boss complaining about the little
mistakes he made in the prospects, the tidiness of his office or his
time-management. These were nothing new, but unlike before where
such tiny mistakes, weren’t recognized as major, which they are not,
were now seen as Richard’s lack of professionality and capability
to meet required criteria. He did extra hours and took on more
responsibilities than he should prove his dedication, only for his
boss to blame it on him for not finishing even more.
A narcissist will not invite you to their birthday party to which everyone is
invited under the excuse they want to celebrate with you in private. They
won’t go for drinks with you, but they will do so with everyone else. They
will claim they miss you, but never call you to come over or make the effort
to come and see you. They’ll invite you as their special person on an
exciting event, only to act like you are not even present. These and similar
behaviors don’t cherish you as a person or honor your place in the
narcissist's life. A covert narcissist will devalue you by not respecting your
time and refusing to communicate, understand and accommodate your
needs. By not making the other person feel like a priority when it is
necessary to do so, they lower their value, sending the other person a hidden
message - you are not important to me enough. As red flags pile up, the
narcissist uses, now strategic and sporadic acts of affection from the first
stage to mask the game of hot and cold, gaslighting, periodically giving
underhanded comments and putting the blame on the other.
This process happens slowly over time, and as a relationship progresses the
love-bombing acts become more and rarer and get replaced with ignoring,
aloofness, detachment, gaslighting, blame games and other manipulative
and toxic behaviors. The first reactions are to go with the flow and simply
repress the feeling of inadequacy that starts piling up. However, because the
other person is left loathing in self-doubt, as time goes by, they start over-
analyzing, believing there must be a very good reason for such cold
behavior. Confused, victims of the narcissist tend to spend months or even
years in denial, which only prolongs this phase and causes their mental
health to slowly deteriorate. They are made believe it must be their fault
that the narcissist is not prioritizing them, so they turn to self-blame, as the
narcissist is such a nice, genuine, caring person, so the problem must not be
with them. Because love bombing was consistent, it is hard for the targeted
person to figure out what is going on in the relationship early on. Maybe I
am not showing them how much they mean to me. Did I do
something wrong? Am I being too needy? Am I oversensitive?
Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe I am not as beautiful as I
was. Maybe I should spice the relationship up a little bit.
As these and similar thoughts begin to pile up as a result of detachment that
happened during this phase, the other person slowly starts being absorbed
into how they can fix the relationship with such a perfect partner, their ideal
soulmate. At this point, the victim of a narcissist starts doubting their own
self- worth, abilities, and talents. The covert, on the other hand, seldom
appreciates positive changes and acts of love in their partner's behavior,
making them feel even more unappreciated and valued. The more the
narcissist pulls away and serves the love bombing, the more their victim
becomes desperate to save the relationship and loses themselves in the
process. Their victim as a result slowly takes on full responsibility for the
relationship, the household, kids or work, with narcissists putting in less
and less effort. Therefore, all the bad things that happen in the relationship
are for the victim to be blamed. Emotional manipulation allows the covert
to get more narcissistic supply without even looking like the bad guy, which
is the saddest truth about these incredibly toxic relationships. It is very
painful for the victims of a narcissist to accept and understand how they got
from being treated as perfect to being treated like they don’t matter. They
may try to fix mistakes that they didn’t make, try to make the narcissist
happy, make them fall back in love with them or appreciate them as they
once did. However, the more effort they put in, the more space the covert
has to devalue as they will feed on this effort and demand more of it while
putting their targets down as a result.
The effects of devaluation can sadly linger long after the relationship with a
narcissist is over. Because the trust built in the first stage seems to be
established on a very solid foundation and you are made to believe that they
are indeed the best person for you, who loves you so much, it takes a long
time to realize what is going on in the relationship. After all, they are
attentive, caring individual and they will give you a dose of this love from
time to time, only to ensure their narcissistic supply. If and when they act
attentive and loving, there are only two reasons for such behavior at this
stage. One, because you have given them a serious hit of narcissistic supply,
their favorite drug and two because they want to get something from you.
Period. People who love you, if you are happy to have them at this point in
a relationship, will notice something is off, your natural radiance is fading
and you are not happy. You feel bad, you are moody, anxious and depressed
but you can’t explain why. Narcissists are dangerous people and at this
stage, it all starts to take a toll on their victims.
Discarding
The final, and the most emotionally and mentally draining phase, the
discard phase, is when the narcissist tries to take the last bits of your energy,
fails to do so and as a result, throws you away as if you were an object that
is no longer of use. This phase manifests as a sudden, and very hurtful,
heartbreaking and disrespectful breakup or a series of bad breakups. Thanks
to the objectification, which allows them to see you as a disposable item
rather than a human being that feels and thinks, they reject you as they
please, like the whole relationship was nothing. While a mentally wrecking
process for their victim, for the narcissist the breakup is easy and causes
them no pain at all.
One of the reasons they can walk away with no remorse, besides the
objectification and the lack of empathy, is that meanwhile while preparing
themselves for leaving you, they have probably found one or more spare
narcissistic supplies. That is why it is not a surprise that it is extremely
common for the narcissist to hop into the new relationship just a few weeks
after a breakup or divorce. In case you were there a family member or a
friend, they will find another victim in their surroundings, acting like you
never existed in their lives, no matter the family or friendship bonds, which
can be extremely painful and hard to heal from.

A narcissist is a very perceptive individual and notices when their victims

start rebelling against their manipulative techniques. As a result, they resort
to next levels of manipulation and take things to the extreme, even
threatening to leave the relationship or in extreme cases, to commit suicide,
take the children, harm the victim or destroy their belongings. Meanwhile,
because they are alert of the fact that their narcissistic supply is running out,
they go out and put in an effort to find a new, better narcissistic supply. The
discard phase happens for two main reasons. The first reason is the slow but
steady awakening of the victim and them putting firm boundaries, and the
second reason is that the victim has nothing left to give to the narcissist or
the relationship. It could be that the victim isn’t as good looking as they
used to be, their bank account is dry or they simply feel dead inside due to
all the havoc the narcissist has caused in time. In other words, they are
completely drained, can no longer orbit around the narcissist, and has no
energy left to provide them with a solid narcissistic supply. A narcissist is
like a parasite, a virus that damages the immune system of their host, which
shows both in their victims' mental and physical health. Because they have
drained their victims to the last drop of energy and robbed them of
positivity and radiance, victims feel like empty shells and can even get
physically sick. Narcissists are users and abusers, so they rob you of your
goods, and it shows in all areas of your life, from physical appearance to
lowered social status. Both of these reasons are equally common and can be
combined.
Once their victim starts realizing their behavioral patterns and begins to
gain some insight about the relationship as it really is, the narcissist will
discard them for a much easier, far less aware supply. Because the old
supply sees through them, has figured out their tricks and they don’t work
on them anymore, the narcissist needs a backup plan, as the supply leaving
them is something they will never allow to happen. The new supply
requires no effort, has no firm personal boundaries and doesn’t make it
difficult for the covert to get what they want, which is an unlimited amount
of admiration and appreciation. When their old victim starts asking them to
take responsibility for their actions or fights back, they get alerted, which
causes the fight or flight response in them. Their response to being called
out on manipulative behavior is usually an amplified blame game when
they try to make themselves look like a victim or a narcissistic rage.
 Chapter 8:
Hoovering
U nfortunately, the devaluation is not a one time process. Frequently, it
happens on and off in the form of multiple breakups and attempts to
make it work. The trick with them is that after the breakup happens, it is
never truly over, even if it was on their terms. The relationship with such an
individual needs to be on their terms, from the beginning till the end, which
is why they have to be the ones to leave. They can’t and never will take
responsibility for their actions. A narcissist will reattempt to get supply for
you many times in the future, even if they are in a new relationship. This is
called hoovering, last hope for the narcissist to get what they want from
their ex-victims. Hoovering is narcissist’s attempt to desperately lure you
back in with new attempts of love bombing, explanations, a shower of love
and new promises of hope, telling you they have changed and it will better
this time. It is a manipulation technique that is the last straw of hope both
for the victim and the narcissist, but for completely different reasons.
Because the victim is left completely devastated and ruined after the
breakup, not knowing what has happened or how to cope with it, they stay
in the state of denial for months, even years later. Denial is a powerful tool
that allows them to soothe the pain but sadly gives the narcissist a chance to
get more narcissistic supply. After the breakup many victims loathe in self-
blame, think about what have they done and what could they have done
differently. At this point, it is not hard to stick to the old pattern a narcissist
has created in them, which is to feel responsible for all the things that went
wrong. After all, it takes a long time and some bad experience with
hoovering attempts for the victim to realize they have been pulled into just
another toxic game. The bait for the narcissist here is the desperation they
sense in their ex-victims. As long the victim has a love for them and wants
them back, they can come and go as they please, causing even more damage
to a person who is already hurting.
The narcissist doesn’t know how to love and they will never come back
because they miss the other person, but because they need them. They need
a supply because it makes them feel safe and they will not back down under
any circumstances until the victim decides to cut all the possible contact
with them and sets unbreakable boundaries. This is, unfortunately, a very
hard thing to do, especially in the beginning, as the victim is completely
robbed of self-worth, feels very rejected, unattractive and worthless, feeling
deep down like they don’t deserve any better. The effects of love bombing
last even till the last stages of a relationship with them, as the victims see
the narcissist as a perfect, irreplaceable partner, a one-true love for a long
time until the healing starts taking place step by step.
Comparing the victim with a disposable object in the dumpster is probably
the best analogy for the vacuuming process, shared by one of the survivors
of narcissistic abuse. A narcissist will get back to the dumpster only once
they have nothing left to eat, meaning they have run low on narcissistic
supply from the new victim. If you are suspecting you are dealing with a
narcissist in your life, as they attempt to get back in touch saying how much
they love you or can’t live without you, rest assured they are never doing so
because they truly realize what they have done. They do so because they are
running short on the supply and need their dose quickly. Every attempt to
get back together with them will be temporary and last only until their
victim starts seeing through the hoovering pattern. They never change, they
just reinvent their old role from the love-bombing phase, but it never ever
stays on their face for too long. Here is how a hovering scenario can look
like:
What a covert says: We can break up if that is what you decided,
but I am afraid someone is going to hurt you because you are so
sensitive.
The reality: You are unhappy and would like to break free because you
feel unloved and uncared for. They are the ones who will break down once
you, their narcissistic supply, leaves them. They are the ones who are
hurting you.
However, once the hoovering stops, be prepared to go through the roughest
storm you’ve experienced, which is the breakup or the divorce. Breakups
initiated by them feel like the last sword stabbed in your back, where you
already had nine of them and were barely alive. They leave suddenly and
many move on to other supplies just as sudden, which makes the whole
process even more painful. Part of the discard, no matter if you are in the
process of divorce or separated, are you barely breathing and being unable
to get up in the morning and them enjoying the best time of their life - this
is what they want you and everyone else to believe. They are with someone
else, ‘’finally finding happiness after a horrible marriage with you’’.You are
the horrible, inconsiderate, selfish, crazy ex they just needed to save
themselves from, and the sad thing is, many will believe their lies, even
you. Maybe you are not attractive, maybe you were inconsiderate,
insensitive, needy or anything else they made you believe.
Breaking up with you is the ultimate you are worthless message. Most
often than not, the final breakup happens out of the blue and is such that
you are left without an explanation. Once you do reach out to them to get an
explanation, all you will get are insults, blaming, shaming and extreme
criticism. Victims find it hard to find closure a long time after a breakup or
divorce happens. A narcissist will ghost their spouse and not give them any
clarity, which is extremely mentally wrecking. It may feel as if you are so
worthless you don’t even deserve an explanation. At this point, you will
feel like you really do feel as if you are undeserving of love.
And while their new target is enchanted by the love bombing, you are going
through completely the opposite of that - and the narcissist is getting supply
from both of you at the same time. Your pain supplies them as much as the
adoration the new target showers them with, especially if you get them
notified how lost you feel without them. You compare yourself with the
new victim, blame yourself or simply, as many other survivors I talked to,
feel numb. The breakup they impose on you leaves you in a complete state
of shock and confusion that is hard to get out of. The hoovering can start
again the moment you become so vulnerable and lost without them,
regardless of whether they are still with the new supply or not. Once you
show them how horrible you feel without them, they will come back and
give you glimpses of hope, feeding off of your energy once again. Showing
them any sign of love for them, missing them r wanting to talk to them is an
invitation for a narcissist to come and get some more supply. Sadly, with
them, it’s always the neverending story and once it does end their toxicity
remains in your energy for a long time.
 Chapter 9:
Attempts to leave

H oovering can happen even if you are the one that said no to them. For a
narcissist, this can completely throw them off balance and they will
not give up on their supply easily on their supply, especially if they haven't
found a replacement and the breakup left them off guard. If you are to
initiate the breakup, be prepared for extreme reaction, raging, begging,
hysteria or being verbally assaulted.
As their victims are perceived as objects, the narcissist feels they own them
as a property that belongs to them, and therefore no one can steal that from
them. It is shocking to see how infantile, yet demonic their reactions can be,
especially if you tell them it’s over in their face. It is then when their true
shades show better than ever.
The mix of anger and despair on narcissists face in these situations really
shows their inner world, which is dark, clouded with abandonment issues,
emotional instability, and immaturity. Because of the infantility shown in
these moments, many victims feel sorry for the narcissist and get pulled
back, misinterpreting this behavior as a form of apology and regret.
The narcissist may indeed act and say things that a person who is regretful
of their actions would, but behind their tears and begging always lies
emptiness and a weak person who is panicking, terrified to lose their source
of supply.
Once the breakup becomes a real deal, you finally see through the
hoovering and you get very determined to leave them behind for good,
things really start to boil. Breaking ties with someone who has NPD and
doing so on your own terms means all the narcissistic traits will be
magnified and all the manipulation techniques will get nastier.
Stalking, threats, insults, begging, blackmailing, conditioning, unexpected
visits are all combined with attempts to use their charisma to turn the whole
world and everyone who loves you.
They won’t fret to manipulate your own kids and friends against you by
portraying you as the heartless, insane and selfish. Losing control is out of
the question, and they will use all the resources they have to puppet you, be
it financial stability and home they provided for you, people you care about
or your social status.
A narcissist wants you to feel weak and will go to great lengths to win at
the breakup game, one way or another. A couple of survivors have admitted
that their narcissist has even threatened to kill themselves if they leave,
which is just a glimpse of what they are capable of, but they will never do
it. Such a serious statement is just a way to scare you and bring you back,
just a cruel game they play.
Ironically, the best-case scenario, if you are lucky enough, they will just
move on to another solid supply and leave you to heal from pain. Them
replacing you with another victim and living a perfect life, just like you two
lived at the beginning of a relationship is just their way to punish you for
leaving them.
Divorce with them is a horrible territory to walk on, especially if you were
the one who filed for it. The charisma they seduce you with and the role of
caring, altruistic, honorable member of society everyone loves will be
exactly what the judges and everyone in the courtroom and outside of it will
see. In more extreme cases, for survivors who needed to battle for custody
over children, the process of divorce was a nightmare, especially if the
narcissist was a mother and kids were young.
A twisted mind with NPD will go above and beyond to win custody, but not
because they care for kids and their wellbeing, but because they want to win
and make you desperate. It takes a lot of strength and support to win against
them at the courtroom, be it the custody, a divorce or property ownership,
and the whole process can cost you mental health, money and much, much
more. It takes the involvement of a psychiatric specialist, a good attorney,
patience and support from friends and family to win against them.
Because they live in a constant state of fear and have such fragile egos they
will do everything to protect their false sense of grandiosity, and don't care
about how big the cost is people around them have to pay. You leaving them
means they are not good enough, and portrays them as horrible partners to
the outer world, which is something they will never allow, hence all the lies,
stories about you and the deceit. So, what best way to make you look bad
than projecting all their fear, issues and rage onto you?
They will do anything to sabotage your happiness even long after the
relationship ends, as your happiness is your victory, so it's not surprising to
hear all kinds of horrific, untrue stories about you years after the end of a
relationship.
Breaking up with them and walking away takes a lot of courage and
personal strength, and although a bittersweet truth, survivors of narcissistic
abuse, once they build themselves up, become one of the toughest people
there are - if you survived a relationship with such a toxic individual, you
can survive anything.
Its trauma and damage of self felt on a deep soul level, but once you start to
heal, it can be a road to extreme personal empowerment, as impossible as it
sounds. But it’s true. The very fact that you gathered strength to say no to
them speaks of how tough you are, so don’t ever put yourself down for
putting up with them. You didn’t know. No one does until they experience it
on their own skin.
 Chapter 10:
What triggers narcissistic behavior?
A ll three mentioned phases are part of the narcissist's behavioral patterns
and coping mechanisms. Something many survivors are curious about,
especially once they realized they indeed had a narcissist in their life, is
what causes the switch from love bombing to hating and discarding?
Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have certain triggers and
motives that drive them to behave the way they behave. Their self-talk is
not based on reality, but on delusions of grandiosity, ultimate power and
superiority. In other words, they don’t see themselves as flawed, but
misunderstood and unappreciated for their specialness. However, because
they are human just like everyone else, they do have flaws, unhealed
wounds and a lot of toxic patterns, but unlike healthy individuals who look
within and try to heal, a narcissist looks outside themselves for relief.
Because they believe they are perfect, that means everything that goes
wrong in their life must be on others to blame. The whole relationship,
during all three stages, is based on two main motives. The first one is to
find someone who will make them feel special and go beyond and above to
prove that to them, and second, to find an escape from personal unhealed
trauma, fear, pain or anxiety.
Unlike individuals with no NPD, narcissists don't want to heal and don’t see
that the problem is in them. They are not willing to face their fears, which is
why all their relationships will always include lovebomb, devaluing and
discarding. Every ex becomes the crazy next and every new partner
becomes perfect until they become the new crazy ex. It is very rare for a
narcissist to ever seek professional help, and if they do it is always because
of something else than an NPD, such as anxiety or depression. They get into
relationships so they can feel worshiped, not to exchange love, which is
why they usually lovebomb people who have a big heart, a lot of empathy
and know how to love.
A narcissist has a pattern of falling for emotionally open and available
people, expecting them to fulfill unrealistic fantasies of perfect love and
expectations of how they should be treated. Their subconscious works like
this: I am important and special, so if you love me, you will prove it
to me by obeying me. If not, I will be triggered and have to put you
in your rightful place. If you put your needs first, I will make sure
you regret it and treat you with passive-aggressiveness. If I made
you happy, that means I put you in the first place, which means I
am weak and a loser. If I am in pain, you are responsible for
soothing it and you have to take it away. I need you to move
mountains to prove to me how significant I am to you, no matter
how you feel. And I will never give it back to you the same way
because only I am special.
Narcissistic personality disorder has its roots in childhood and so do their
triggers. All kids are naturally egocentric, but as they grow older they
develop empathy for others. For narcissists, that is not the case. The roots of
narcissistic behavior lie if fears of being taken advantage of, losing control
and being overpowered. The uncontrollable fear being perceived as weak,
being manipulated and used, is therefore transferred onto other people.
Therefore, showing empathy, care, love, kindness, and emotion means that
the other person is more important and in the spotlight, which is something
they will never allow. These are their ultimate triggers, which is why
relationships with them are always a power game, where they need to be the
powerful one at all costs. Caring for others in their minds means being
powerless, so no relationship with others can ever be based on love, fairness
or equality, which is essential for a healthy relationship. They are always
aiming to feel superior, perceiving the relationship as ‘’you versus them’’,
instead of ‘’we’’ or ‘’us’’. Everything that a healthy relationship should
consist of triggers them.
Since they are vulnerability avoidant and have deeply rooted fears of being
used, they are triggered by the smallest things you do and say. Anything
that calls for compassion, intimacy or empathy is deeply triggering, be it
talking through problems or making you feel good in bed. A narcissist
hasn’t outgrown the initial egocentrism as other children did, which is why
they have powerful ego defenses. Just like a child who demands constant
attention and needs to be praised to feel good about themselves, a narcissist
reacts from ego and lives in a constant state of neediness. The outer world is
perceived as an enemy, including and especially people who are close to
them, so they live in constant anxiety, ready to defend egos at all costs.
Narcissists are sad, fearful people, driven by fears and pain. Among many
adult covert narcissists are many that were neglected as children, some were
privileged, and some raised in emotionally cold families that perceived
emotions as weakness or by controlling and overly ambitious parents who
demanded perfection from them at all costs. To protect themselves, children
who grow up to be narcissists, develop a false and grandiose sense of self,
false self-confidence, arrogance and extreme self-centeredness. They live in
a constant state of fear, like a naked nerve, ready to punish those who fail to
worship them.
Probably the most defeating thing about trying to invest in the relationship
with someone who has an NPD is the fact that it is very little you can do to
change them. Narcissists do not have the consciousness needed to
recognize, accept and change their behavior - they truly believe it is all your
fault and have no capability to reflect on their actions without self-
censoring. Due to a lack of acceptance of their own flaws and refusal to
take responsibility for their behavior, unfortunately, many of them never
seek help or wish to improve. Instead, it is their victims who end up seeking
help from professionals. A narcissist has a victim mentality and therefore
everything that makes them feel weak and vulnerable is perceived as a
threat to their ego. Just like with all other personality types and disorders,
no narcissist is the same, so there is a wide spectrum of narcissistic
behaviors, all of which combined with different levels of consciousness.
Some covert narcissists are more naive, truly living the role of
misunderstood, undervalued people, while others are more malicious, more
conscious and much more damaging to people around them.
What triggers them is an injury to their false self-image and ego, and this
can be anything: saying how you feel, expressing your thoughts, demanding
equality, expecting affections, failing to cater to their needs, asking them to
take responsibility for their actions, asking for more intimacy, setting
healthy boundaries and breaking up with them, expressing ideas that don’t
match with theirs, not putting them on the first place at all times, being
independent, failing to put aside your problems in order to focus on them
and make them feel loved...The list goes on. These are all reasons for them
to evaluate or discard you, whereas in a healthy relationship this would
never be an issue. Because their self-confidence is based on the false self,
the older they get, the more manipulative they become in order to protect
their fantasies of superiority. Their behavior is always agenda-based and
immensely remorseful and no human will ever be able to fulfill their
fantasies of ultimate grandiosity, no matter how giving and caring they are.
 Chapter 11:
The aftermath
T he aftermath of dealing with a narcissist can be truly felt only once you
go no contact and have them no longer in your life. The effects of
narcissistic abuse are long-lasting and go way beyond the direct contact
with the narcissist and even once they are no longer present in your life, the
toxic cloud above your head still remains. Gaslighting, drama, lying,
isolation, and a series of other manipulation techniques we talked about
leave you mentally numb to the point that even dealing with everyday tasks
feels like a burden. The consequences of having such individuals in your
life are many, as you are affected on all levels of your conscious and
unconscious being. In other words, you feel broken and damaged in the
mental, physical, emotional and spiritual planes. In addition, in cases of
many survivors, the narcissist also affected their material reality, which
resulted in a loss of status, friends, money or property.
Survivors of narcissistic suffer a wide range of mental health issues as a
result of long-term manipulation and devaluing, all of which have roots at
the beginning stages of a relationship with a narcissist. Anxiety and
paranoia are some of the most common reactions to being mentally and
emotionally abused and are all part of a PTSD, post-traumatic stress
disorder. Because of the constant distress and chaos survivors have been
part of, they experience flashbacks, intense headaches, have trouble
sleeping or intense nightmares. The life with a narcissist leaves our brain in
a state of shock and extreme confusion, and traumatizes the mind, causing
troubles with concentration and agitation. Survivors have trouble
communicating and may experience social anxiety and agoraphobia, the
fear of open space and crowded places. The feeling of isolation stemming
from the days of a relationship persists and people who dealt with a
narcissist feel too vulnerable to expose themselves to the outer world,
which is often followed by a state of paranoia and beliefs that people are
evil and want to cause us harm. It is like a constant state of fight or flight.
Since gaslighting is one of the most dangerous, if not the most dangerous
form of playing with one’s mind, many experiences mild to severe
derealization, where one feels like they and the outer world are somehow
separated. Because of the state of shock, the mind activates these two
coping mechanisms, which are a normal response to prolonged stress but
can be troublesome if not treated. If you feel like you are an actor in your
own life, a ghost of your former self who is not able to feel or be present in
reality, it is likely that your mind is just trying to protect you until you heal
by shutting the reality off. It is possible that to feel this way even during the
relationship, starting as early as the devaluation phase, in which case the
depersonalization and derealization just deepen once they are gone, until
you start to heal.
Another very common side-effect of being involved with a narcissist is
depression. Survivors feel blue, have no motivation to take care of
themselves and life gets to the point where even taking a shower seems like
a huge task. Depression can be mild, but unfortunately, can also be fatal,
causing thoughts of ending one’s life or even suicide. The life and has been
drained and the survivor is left in a fog, with no self-esteem, no drive and
no hope for a better future. All energy was given to the narcissist and the
relationship that they just can’t find the strength to continue with their life,
especially if love for the narcissist is still there. You are made to believe
there is nothing about you to love. Your dreams and ambitions have been
extinguished and you believe you are not lovable unless you are perfect or
can fulfill someone's demands. You don't feel good enough, let alone
capable of moving on, so who wouldn’t feel depressed? Narcissists are like
predators who feed off of other people’s energy - they take your light and
give you their darkness. And they will show absolutely no remorse for what
you are going through, but that is okay because you will heal and they will
always be stuck their pathological ways.
The effects of narcissistic abuse are such that avoidance feels like an
escape. The constant feeling of not knowing what to expect from the
narcissist is combined with low self-esteem and a feeling of utter
worthlessness. Because of that, survivors feel incompetent and view
themselves how a narcissist described them. They see themselves through
narcissist’s glasses and believe they will be rejected, denied and discarded
everywhere they go, and all of this together causes them a lot of anxiety.
Since the abuse has damaged the core of self, survivors feel like they don’t
have an identity, as a relationship with a narcissist is a codependent one,
and thanks to constant projection, there is no clear line between who is who.
When it all ends, many don’t know who they are, feel like nothing has
meaning anymore and feel powerless. Anyone who has dealt with a covert
knows very well hot is feels like not to be allowed to be authentic, to thrive,
how it is to feel alone while being in a relationship, to feel guilty for
standing up for yourself and putting healthy boundaries. Such a person
knows what it is like to be trapped in guilt for things that are not your fault
all the time, to be afraid to express oneself and doubt every decision you
make.
Don’t feel ashamed if you feel this way. You are not weak, you are
completely opposite. Know that you are not alone, even if it feels like it.
There are others who, just like you, suffer from the effects of loving a
narcissist and they too feel alone. Some survivors find escape in substance
abuse, some battle with sexual dysfunction and some develop a physical
illness or eating disorder due to constant stress and feeling not good enough
or beautiful enough. If any of this resonates, just don’t feel down about
yourself. Don’t blame yourself as it is not your fault. These are all very
human and very normal reactions to being exposed to months and years of
narcissistic abuse. And most importantly, don’t compare yourself to others
who are able to live their life to the fullest shortly after a breakup, as a
relationship you had was far from normal or healthy.
All of this happens because you suddenly start to realize with whom you
have dealt with, and as time goes by, things start making more sense. You
start noticing your part in the game, but most importantly, you start seeing
the narcissist for who they truly are. However, in the beginning, truth is
hard to comprehend and your mind might as well try to protect you from a
flood of emotions until you're ready to face it. Unlike the narcissist, you are
a healthy individual who was infected with someone else's virus and you
can get back on track and you can restore your life. Even if breathing feels
like a burden now, one day you will look at your relationship with them and
be proud of yourself, because you will win this and you will endure, no
matter how impossible it feels at the moment.
 Chapter 12:
The road to healing
N ow that you know who you have been dealing with, take a deep
breather. What you have been through is something not many had to go
through. A relationship with a narcissist is a trauma that leaves a mark on
your body, soul, and mind, so, therefore, it may take a while to get a good
grip on reality and become empowered, enlightened and hopeful again. But
I want you to know it is possible. And I want you to know it was never your
fault.
You were never crazy. You were never oversensitive or naive. You dealt
with a master manipulator, a mentally ill person, a devil in human form and
you feel broken for a reason.
All survivors do, and there is no shame in that. You have experienced abuse
that doesn’t leave marks on the body for everyone to see and understand.
The sad reality survivors face during their healing journey is that no one
believes them they were abused. Psychological abuse can be just as
damaging as physical, but because it is invisible and leaves no bruises,
survivors feel alone in their healing journey, which makes it even more
painful. The abuser is not someone who had violent outbursts or problems
with the law - they are someone who plays the role of a respectful and kind
member of society.
You will slowly start to realize that you have to transform from victim to
survivor and that people you trust are just a support system, if you have any
in your life left. You will come to a painful realization that this road is
going to be tough and lonesome as it usually is for survivors of narcissistic
abuse. You will go through different stages of healing. After each stage you
will feel better, but many times, you will swing back and forth between the
stages.
There will be moments when you think you are finally getting better, only
to feel paranoid or sad the next day. Don’t be discouraged and hard on
yourself once you do feel these waves. Healing is not a linear process and
sometimes it will feel like you are moving one step forward and two back.
That is what all survivors go through. What you need to do in the process is
to trust yourself, which can be very hard as you are so used to doubt your
thoughts, instincts and feelings. No one was in your skin and only you
know what you have been through. Be prepared for people asking you why
are you stuck on your ex. Be prepared not to find understanding. Be
prepared to be labeled overdramatic, oversensitive and be prepared to be
judged - people see what the narcissist wants them to see and it is not your
job to change their mind. They will find it out themselves. So, it is time to
do something you felt judged for and guilty about for so long - focus on
yourself, your emotions and your own wellbeing.
The interesting but not so unexpected fact I have gathered thanks to
interactions with mental health professionals, is that it is always the victim
who seeks therapy, as they are aware and capable of introspection. While
the narcissist, from medical perspective, needs self-assessment and
guidance from a psychiatrist, they never, if rarely get treated for narcissism.
The malignant grandiosity is rarely, if ever spoken about, mainly because
individuals with NPD, covert narcissists, believe it is the outer world to
blame for all their misfortunes. They don’t believe nothing is wrong with
them, and therefore their mental issues get projected onto their targets, who
are the ones who seek help, which speaks of great recovery potential itself.
 Chapter 13:
When does healing begin?
T he healing process begins when you finally decide to cut all contact
with the narcissist because you have seen who they truly are. You feel
bad and you want the manipulation, gaslighting and hovering to stop. All
the signs you were ignoring and pushing under the carpet are now coming
to light. Although upon cutting contact you won’t label them as a
narcissist, you will know enough to completely pull back. Cutting all
contact with the narcissist is not like any other breakup, because a narcissist
is not just any other person and not many exes, friends or parents have a
personality disorder. In short - healing starts when you completely abandon
a narcissist. Leaving them behind and moving on happens gradually and
never overnight. The first and the hardest thing to do is to accept painful
reality - accepting the narcissist never truly loved you and was only with
you because they found it convenient to feed on your energy. Once you
accept the relationship was not healthy is where the healing process kicks
in. There are three main stages you will go through are grieving, learning
and rebuilding yourself.
Grieving
Would you believe if I told you that there is life after a narcissist? A much
better life, where you wake up feeling hopeful about the future, feeling
loved and appreciated? Probably not. And that is ok. After you have been
abused, you can’t even visualize happiness. Once it all ends, you will feel
like a shadow of your former self. Like you had a chance at life and love
and you wasted it, and now you can’t get back the time or find the strength
to go on with your life. When they leave your life, you won't know who you
are because of all the gaslighting you have experienced. The grieving
process includes a variety of emotions and is the most painful phase where
you digest raw emotions. When grieving, you will go through the states of
shock and denial, rage and anger and depression. At this first stage, you are
too drained and confused to deal with reality and so a feeling of
helplessness, deep heartache and denial are natural responses to what
you’ve been through. These states of mind are all entwined, come in a
different order for every survivor, and you will find yourself shifting back
and forth between denying what has happened and getting consumed by
anger. Grieving a relationship with a healthy individual is hard. Grieving a
relationship with a narcissist is ten times harder.
The first thing you will experience is denial and shock. Your body is trying
to cope with trauma an ending of a relationship with a narcissist brings.
Many survivors feel the need to withdraw from the world and can barely
gather strength to leave the house. They feel immobile. Just like breaking
from addiction, the first days of the withdrawal are always the worst. The
pain and devastation seem unbearable. At this stage, it is important not to
pressure yourself to be stronger than you are. Feel free to embrace all your
negative emotions and dwell on them as much as you need. It may be
tempting to go back to your old conditioning a narcissist has thought you
and put yourself down, feel bad about yourself or call yourself a weak. You
were taught that your emotions were not valid, that you weren't allowed to
cry or feel vulnerable for months and years, so it is healthy to put your
emotions and needs first after a long, long time. Know that being able to
feel is a sign of strength and acknowledging how you feel without
censoring yourself is the first step to healing.
Grieving stage is where we get angry at ourselves for allowing to be
mistreated for so long and we develop even greater anger and animosity
towards our former abuser. Survivors feel deep hatred for the narcissist to
the point it is all-consuming. And while it is a negative emotion, anger
needs to be released. Being enraged and feeling hatred is a normal, and
healthy reaction to what we have been through. Anger is an energy, and
after feeling low and completely stuck, it is when anger kicks in that
survivor truly start to be more proactive on their healing journey. Many
survivors I talked to explained that this anger made them change their life
out of rebellion against narcissist. You may feel like extreme injustice was
done to you. You get angry at yourself for allowing them to damage you.
Many survivors feel angry at not only narcissists, but all other people for
causing them pain in the past as all suppressed anger comes to surface..
This is because your mind is slowly accepting the reality as it is while still
struggling with denial from time to time. You slowly start to see them as
evil and manipulative personas, but because the truth is so painful, you will
express it through anger. You may not see anger as such in the beginning,
but anger is your pain and hurt transformed and expressed outward, after a
very long time. It is important not to internalize the anger or deny it. While
it is overwhelming, anger is the first step in setting you free. Take the time
to feel it and understand why you feel so enraged, and once you get your
anger, release it. Don’t hold it in and don’t let it consume you. Holding on
to anger for too long is as toxic as staying in a relationship with malignant
individual and gives the narcissist the power over our lives even once they
are no longer part of it.
Over time, anger will dissolve and emotions will settle. You realize how
powerless you are because you can’t change anything. When survivors face
the painful truth of being abused, there arises an inner need to mourn.
Mourn who you were. Mourn your faith in love. Mourn your capacity to
trust. You feel like all faith in humanity is gone. You see all people through
different lenses and you suddenly start spotting manipulation everywhere.
You were manipulated and discarded and so you see the bad in people
everywhere. You think everyone you deal with has ulterior motives. You
see yourself as naive and beat yourself up for allowing the narcissist to
break you the way they did. You are afraid you will never be able to trust
again. Ultimately, you don’t feel safe. Depression is a normal part of the
grieving process in every breakup, but even more so when that breakup was
with a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse is toxic to one’s soul and distorts the
core of personality, so survivors feel like their innocence and trust is
irreversibly broken.
If you are dealing with depression during your healing process, seek help
and be kind to yourself. Reach out to someone you truly trust and don’t be
ashamed to go to therapy if you feel the need to do so. Just like someone
who’s survived a car accident, you too need to mend your wounds. After
being where you have mentally and emotionally, you will need to allow
yourself to lean on someone as you were demanded to be strong for so long,
for someone who never appreciated it and never will. Try to surround
yourself with everything that matters to you, even if it’s only your pet. You
have gone so far and endured so much. It is ok to feel the way you feel and
it is ok to feel helpless.
The inability to move, hatred, anger and depressive episodes will be
prominent until the end of the grieving stage. You will likely shift from
feeling rebellious and suddenly empowered, to feeling devastated quickly.
This is emotional cleansing, the process where your emotional body tries to
rebalance itself by adapting to a new reality. By feeling all those emotions
you are actually cleansing your mind from toxicity you lived in. Everything
you feel on an internal level at this point is a result of subconscious
realization - the realization that who you loved or still do not what you
thought them to be.
As paradoxical as it seems, normal life without a narcissist may feel
abnormal at times, especially if you dealt with them for years. The
emotional self was conditioned to react based on certain patterns that are
unnatural to mentally healthy individuals, so once the covert is gone, your
whole system needs to rewire and this will happen slowly as time goes by.
It will happen by slowly going through all the emotions and feeling what
you need to feel. There will be days you miss them and the days when you
can’t stop thinking about how much you love them. As a relationship with
someone who has an NPD is a constant rollercoaster, and the whole
relationship is built on false ideal and illusion, it is natural to ponder over
the relationship. It is not easy to erase all the positive memories you had
with the narcissist as these will pop into your consciousness every now and
then. You may hold onto the good times you had with them, cherish good
memories and find yourself missing them deeply.

If that is so, be kind to yourself. You, unlike the narcissist, are able to love.
If you find yourself looking back on happy times with them, know that such
thoughts are normal, as getting over someone you cared truly about, even
when you know they are bad for you, is not an easy thing to do. Feel
everything you need to feel. Don’t react, don't call them, just feel. Take the
time you need to mourn the loss of someone you loved and mourn the
illusions that kept you imprisoned for so long. Don’t push yourself into
anything. The next stage, where you start gaining more clarity and better
grasp of your emotions, will come naturally once you are ready, whenever
that may be for you.
Learning
At this stage, answers slowly start coming to consciousness - what you
have been dealing with is a narcissist. Claire, who was married to a
narcissist for seventeen years emailed me this:
When I first found the term narcissist, the first reaction was a
negation. He wasn’t the type to ever call himself successful or
handsome. He was never boastful about his achievements. But,
what I found strange is that some of the traits did fit them. I always
felt like he lacks empathy and he did make me feel guilty and bad
about myself. I really did feel like I was nothing next to him. I just
didn’t click well with the stereotypical description of a narcissist at
first. It was until I came across the term covert narcissism when I
truly found the answer I needed. I remember I kept reading article
after article, forum after forum with my eyes wide open. I was
shocked. This is what I was dealing with. Stories of other survivors
resembled of mine so much to the point I remember whispering to
myself - yes, yes, this is it! Suddenly I didn’t feel alone. There are
some other people who dealt with the same stuff as I did.
Everything made so much sense.
Many survivors first start off thinking the relationship is just toxic. If you
dealt with a narcissist, you probably knew all along there was something off
in the relationship, but couldn't pinpoint exactly what that is. There is an
unexplainable feeling that something isn’t right and it is this feeling that
awakens the investigative spirit in survivors. Answers are soothing,
especially because a relationship with a narcissist is such that there are not
many said, understood, speak about and discussed. When you finally don't
have someone over your shoulder to call you oversensitive, dramatic or
crazy for demanding answers, you can finally start searching for them on
your own. More often than not, those who were victims of a covert
narcissist do find out about the term narcissism. It is when we truly reflect
on the relationship, without having being gaslighted and clouded by
emotions, when the learning phase starts.
The phase of learning is closely entwined with grieving the relationship. It
is in this stage that survivors truly start seeking answers, both from within
and from the exterior world, by learning, studying psychology or
spirituality. This is not to say the grieving wasn’t part of the learning
process. On the contrary. The grieving process is learning on a
subconscious level, cleansing, and preparation for learning about who is it
that you dealt with in order to understand why you feel the way you do. The
second stage is when learning becomes more focused and more of a
conscious process. Powered by anger, remorse, and depression, you may be
overwhelmed by the need to understand why. While the previous stage was
colored by remembrance of the narcissist, the learning stage is when
rumination and analyzing intensifies. You feel the need to understand every
motive behind their behaviors, but now, because there is no more
gaslighting to cloud your judgment, you can see the relationship and the
narcissist more clearly. Finding answers may seem like a chain of
epiphanies, sudden realizations that are both shocking and eye-opening.
Trying to find the answers is always combined with feelings returning
sporadically and in different intensity, which is why this is the stage of both
clarity and confusion. Many survivors reported they had sleepless nights of
overthinking and found it very hard to focus on anything else than what
they have experienced. Understanding why did the covert narcissist behave
the way they did becomes a focus, a healthy focus that will bring more light
to previously clouded judgment. This need to understand steams from
gaslighting and manipulation survivors have been exposed to. Because all
the emotions have come to the surface and survivors have not experienced
shaming, blaming and more gaslighting, there is more space for analysis in
order to decode narcissistic behavior. With time, you will see narcissistic
pattern of behavior more clearly and will be able to distinguish between
who you are and who they are. You were in love with an illusion and when
you are ready, you will finally accept the truth as it is.
Increased consciousness can result in labeling everyone around us as toxic,
narcissistic, manipulative and controlling. This is a natural generalization
that we form as a result of learning. Through educating ourselves, we digest
new knowledge, and find it easier to spot it in people's behavior. While a
result of increased knowledge and paranoia steaming from paste traumatic
experiences with the narcissist, such generalization is a preparation for truly
seeing and rapidly recognizing manipulative behavior in the future. All of a
sudden you will start to see things clearly. Those aha moments will shake
you up from numbness of the previous stage.
By the end of this phase, you will no longer feel trapped in whirlpool of
cognitive dissonance, and will be able to discern what are your thoughts,
patterns and what are those projected onto you. There will be less duality
and more clarity in your life. You will trust yourself more. Reflecting on
happy moments with the narcissist will severe. As mental fog disappears,
you will be able to slowly gain more control over your life, and the image
of perfect love you thought you had will slowly start to fade. As you learn
more about how to deal with the pain, how to heal from depression or how
to control anger, you will start empowering yourself, discovering who the
narcissist is at their core, and most importantly, who you are. As you gain
clarity, either through introspection and self-searching, or through therapy,
you will reconnect with yourself and form a foundation to rebuild yourself
once again, forming much stronger personal boundaries that you ever had.
If during the learning stage, you feel guarded and closed off to other people
know that this is a natural and necessary defensive response. Follow your
natural compass and listen to what your inner self is trying to guide you to
do.
You will regain strength through embracing negative emotions, through
self-observation, support, and self-care, experiencing the first waves of
stabilisation, safety, enlightenment within. Self-education, self-help and
therapy will give you great insights into false beliefs you had, your defense
mechanisms and you will defeat fears that the narcissist has projected onto
you. After being mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally abused,
you will slowly come to realize you have faced and survived one of the
greatest, most damaging energies there are. Narcissistic abuse is one of the
most damaging experiences, but it is also where you learn how powerful
you are. After suffering for so long, being afraid, feeling mad or unworthy
you will come to see that you have actually faced the worst life has to offer
and this will make you fierce and fearless. It takes a lot of personal power
and a strong character to defeat the darkness imposed by a narcissist, and
the very fact that you are here, reading this content speaks of how
determined to rise and heal you are. And trust me when I say, you will.
Rebuilding yourself
Grieving phase ends with acceptance. Eventually, you get tired of feeling
the way you feel. Great injustice had been done to you and it is normal to be
angry at yourself and life. Once you accept that you were dealing with an
unhealthy individual, who isn’t what you thought they are things truly begin
to shift. It is hard to accept that love you though was strong was all just an
illusion. It is hard to accept that someone who raised you is someone who
never truly wished you well. These are hard truths and they are hard to
digest. But once you realize what really happened behind the curtains you’ll
be relieved that it was never about you. It is a bumpy road and it takes a lot
of courage and patience with oneself to get to the point when you can fully
acknowledge what has transpired. You come to terms with your past and
accept that no amount of anger, remorse or hatred will change it.
Acceptance feels like a huge burden was lifted from your shoulders. It is
when you finally take personal responsibility for the part you played
without judging yourself for allowing to take part in it. Know that every
reaction back then was the best reaction you could have. You did the best
you could in given circumstances. You didn’t know you love a covert
narcissist until they broke you and you didn’t have the experience you have
now back then to do any different. And while the first two stages are
pawing the road to moving on, it is this third stage when you start feeling
like yourself again and can finally feel like you have truly moved on.
Moving on is empowering because it minimizes the narcissist and their
importance.
As unrealistic as it seems, especially if you are at the beginning phases of
healing from narcissistic abuse, there will be a moment in your healing
journey when the focus shifts from the narcissist and the pain to you. They
took so much mental and emotional space in your being that now that they
are gone, you can finally fill it with something that helps you feel good
about yourself, grow and expand as a person. A narcissist has an impact on
us long after the relationship ends. Once we chose to forgive ourselves and
forgive our abusers is when we truly find peace within and take away the
power narcissist had over us and over our lives. A narcissist is not someone
who can ever change, who can ever grow, love or trust themselves. Many
survivors find it difficult to forgive and that is ok. Something as torturous as
emotional or physical abuse is not an easy thing to forgive. However, in the
end, the only thing that needs to remain with us are lessons we learned.
Once this experience is behind you and you no longer feel the heaviness in
your heart, you will suddenly feel light. You will feel peaceful. You will
have all the answers you need. You don’t see yourself as a victim, but rather
a survivor. You pity the narcissist and you pity them for being unable to
ever have a meaningful relationship. This is when you let go. Letting go and
moving on means finally defeating the abuser and defeating the darkness
that was imposed on you. By moving on, you devalue and defeat the
narcissist, minimize their importance and regain control over your own life
again. Pain, doubt, and remorse no longer have power over you and neither
does the abuser you dealt with.
Maybe you won’t look at people the same way. Maybe you will become
much more cautious and much more realistic, but maybe that is all good for
you. Dealing with a narcissist is one of the toughest life lessons one can be
put through, but it is also a lesson that builds you up to be more resilient to
any form of manipulation in the future. It makes you tougher and more
aware of what people are capable of. However, it is by finding the courage
to love and trust again that we finally defeat the one who made us believe
all people are vile, cruel and manipulative. What you need to know is that
you are not the same and that this is a good thing. Don’t be fearful of new
connections. Once you pass the first two stages of your healing journey and
get to the third you will see things from a much different perspective. Use
your knowledge about narcissism to build yourself and strengthen yourself.
By this stage, when a manipulator or a narcissist crosses your path, you will
know. But what you will also learn, by putting yourself first and blocking
off toxic people from your life, is that there are people who just like you,
are capable of building loving, meaningful relationships.
By being courageous and loving anew is when you prove the narcissist has
not damaged you. Your ability to care and love for people is what makes the
difference between you and them. It is by trusting anew, rather than
building walls around your heart, that you will finally be able to make new,
healthy relationships. Relationships you deserve with people who deserve
you. Once you take back personal power and rebuild yourself through
adversity and hardship the narcissist has put you through, you will become
stronger than you ever were before. Being treated the way you were is a
painful lesson that teaches you how to stand up for yourself, how to love
yourself and how to never compromise your feelings only to make someone
else love you or feel better. Narcissistic abuse teaches us authenticity and
how important we and our needs are, in the most brutal, torturous way, so if
you have survived it, you should be proud of yourself. You have been
through hell and you made your way through it. It is proof of your personal
strength and character. A relationship with a narcissist is a power play, and
by choosing to heal is when we finally win.
 Chapter 14:
How to deal with a narcissist?
T here are no greater teachers than personal experience, knowledge, and
awareness. Cutting all contact with the narcissist is the best possible
scenario that speeds up the healing process. However, most of the time
relationships with them are not so simple and there are other people or
factors involved, such as children, colleagues, shared property, workplace
or family members. Moreso, because narcissists can be out, parents of our
children, siblings or bosses, besides minimizing contact with them, we are
forced to have encounters with them, sometimes on a daily basis.
The following are the last pages of the book. I hope its content has given
you fruitful thoughts and made you feel less alone in your healing journey.
In the very end, I have prepared a few useful tips that can ease your life and
prevent more hardship and pain a narcissist can cause. In case you are still
dealing with one in your private life or in the workplace, and are looking for
the best way to manage your relationship, especially when cutting all
contact is out of the equation, here is what you can do to keep yourself as
sane as possible.
Awareness
When you are aware of their narcissistic behavior and have figured out their
patterns, what you can do is use this awareness to your advantage. Once
you can see through the narcissist and accept who they are, you can predict
their reactions and therefore use the knowledge to manipulate the situation
in your favor. This does not mean becoming a narcissist yourself. What it
simply means is protecting yourself from the abuser by knowing how they
abuse. You know the narcissist is up for narcissistic supply and you know
that they never change. What can change is your approach. Study your
narcissist, observe them and spot the behavioral scheme they have.
Knowing how they work and understanding that they are a self-serving
person with cluster B disorder, incapable of empathy won’t directly change
how they treat you much. But what will change is how you perceive them
and react to them. This will minimize mental and emotional damage they
can do to you. Nothing they do is ever about you or anyone else, it is
always about them. Knowing and accepting this and that you can change or
enlighten them will save you from the future hurts and giving in to their
games.
Passivity and disengagement
Covert narcissists are never mindful of your needs, so trying to explain your
point of view, communicate your feelings or seek understanding from them
is only going to give them more material to manipulate you. Don’t try to
seek justice or communicate with them as with them, there is no space for
compromise, tolerance or a peaceful resolution unless it suits them at the
moment. The best way to actively handle blame games and gaslighting is
one, to be aware of them and two, to play along. For instance, when they
blame you for being selfish, just tell them You are right, I am so selfish.
I agree with everything the narcissist says. If they are trying to convince
you that you have done something you know you haven’t you can play
along with Oh yes, you are right, I remember I did that. This way you
turn their weapon, gaslighting and manipulation against them, as they are
perfectly aware, just like you are that you never did what they accused you
for. A narcissist is not a healthy individual and this unauthentic act can
protect you from being controlled by them. In the process, always be
mindful of your actions and know who you are dealing with in order to
protect your personal integrity.
Another thing you can do when you notice their behavior makes you feel
heavyhearted or hurt is to simply disengage and detach yourself from the
situation by being aware of who is it you are dealing with. Part of the
disengagement technique includes self-discipline. When something feels off
don't try to find out why just distance yourself from the situation. A
narcissist communicates from an ego-centered place and asking for
explanations will only bring you more confusion and headache. Trust
yourself enough that the very feeling that something is not right is enough
for you to leave the situation. Do so by acting out peacefully and kindly,
without explaining yourself, not to give the narcissist space to pull you back
into the drama.
Privacy protection
Dealing with sync individual demands a lot of mindfulness and awareness.
What gives narcissists the power to control their targets is knowing their
targets, being able to predict their behaviors and being aware of what makes
them thick. That is why protecting yourself from narcissistic abuse in the
future means keeping your life as private as possible. Don’t let them know
how you feel, what you fear or what you hope for. Distance yourself as
much as you can and don’t get them involved in your life. This will create a
necessary barrier as they won't be able to manipulate your feelings when
they don’t know what matters to you. Keep the narcissist informed only on
very basic things, such as moving locations when still sharing custody over
children or keeping it strictly professional in the workplace.
Self-empowerment
In the end, there is nothing that defeats the narcissist more and protects you
from them than having firm personal boundaries. This is something you
will find easier to do by the end of the third stage of healing, so be patient
with yourself. These skills are built slowly and require some practice. While
not an easy road, once we are aware of it, narcissistic abuse teaches us to
protect ourselves and prioritize our needs. Developing skills to cope with
narcissism in others also includes practicing self-awareness, knowing and
accepting your own vulnerability without feeling flawed or week. Being
vulnerable means being human. This allows you to accept yourself and
leaves no space for someone to devalue you. Don't be afraid to say no when
things don’t feel right. There is no need to explain yourself, especially when
dealing with a covert narcissist. Assert your boundaries calmly and don’t
absolutely feel bad for doing so. Saying no isn’t selfish, but it is healthy.
The narcissist will probably try to pull you into their drama, so be aware of
guilt-tripping and stay strong in your integrity. You are not responsible for
someone else's happiness. You are not expected to give your time and
resources selflessly. Trust yourself enough to walk away from things that
don’t feel good. It is ok and healthy to put yourself first. It is ok not to
respond when you don’t feel like it. Love is never restricting or conditional.
Love is not abuse. Love feels good.
Being open to love, being giving and helpful are great virtues and should be
cherished. These are virtues that will help you create balanced, healthy
relationships in the future, with a healthy individual who is able to
reciprocate your love equally. Narcissists don’t know how to appreciate it
and they give themselves permission to take it for granted and misuse it and
that is not your fault. Not everyone is worthy of your love and not anyone
should ever cost you your peace of mind.
You are loveable. You are strong, otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. And you
are much more than you were told you are. One day, you will make it
through. Life will be much more different and a narcissist won’t cause you
pain anymore. Once you get there, just remember to give yourself credit for
it. Through adversity, we grow.
 Conclusion
E veryone who dealt with a covert narcissist knows the pain, toxicity and
the hardships such an individual brings. As a result of being exposed to
narcissistic abuse for a prolonged period of time, victims, future survivors
face many challenges and are faced with a great task, as that is to leave it all
behind and try to heal from what has transpired as a result of that
relationship. Healing from abuse is never easy as it leaves deep marks on
one’s personality and diminishes their wellbeing. Covert narcissism is a set
of destructive behavioral patterns that harm everyone involved with a
person who harbors these behaviors. Unfortunately, because it is a
personality disorder that us very much conceived, there are no proven ways
to foresee you are dealing with one, unless you’ve experienced being
abused by a narcissist in your past.
Hard to diagnose, covert narcissists, because they are so well-liked and
accepted in society, represent a real threat to everyone they are involved
with, as their destructive patterns, manipulation techniques and controlling
behavior can be extremely damaging to one’s mental, physical and
emotional body. Being part of Cluster B spectrum, covert narcissism
represents a real danger to one’s sense of self, their self-worth and mental
health in general. It is threatening and it is disturbing, which is why a
healing process for those who suffered from narcissistic abuse is a lengthy
process that is never light and easy.
Covert narcissists violate, deceive, abuse and exploit those they form bonds
with and they do so meticulously hidden behind the mask of loving,
empathetic individuals who serve society. Their sense of extreme
grandiosity and lack of empathy make a combination that allows them to
heartlessly hurt, lie and discard those who are unfortunate enough to love
them and they do so without guilt or remorse. Projection, gaslighting,
balming and withdrawing affection leave their victims drained, empty and
lifeless, where they can barely gather strength for performing basic daily
activities. Because it is not so frequently spoken about, diagnosed or treated
and because it is so conceited, survivors of narcissistic abuse are frequently
left to deal with the effects of a relationship with such malicious, toxic
individuals on their own. It is encouraging to hear that there is a rising
number of past victims, now survivors, who are willing to bring more light
onto the subject of narcissism, share their experiences and testimonies,
which proves that there are more victims out there than it is believed. It is
awareness and acceptance, both individually and globally, were a real battle
against the abuse and abuser begins, so narcissism and covert narcissism, in
particular, should never be spoken about lightly.
This personality disorder is harmful towards others, but with healing,
therapy and learning about it, its effects can decrease over time, paving a
path to a brighter, better future, away from the narcissist. The book I wrote
is one of the tools that were meant to help those who had or still have a
covert narcissist in their lives and along with other techniques and
resources, it will hopefully bring more light to narcissistic personality
disorder, its effects and healing. Together, we can make covert narcissism
more visible, and we can win against it. No one who is trying to heal is
alone on their journey as there are many others who feel the same and have
been on a similar journey. The path of healing is not easy but is it possible
and it is worthwhile. Most importantly - you can and will heal. Your covert
may have won a few battles, but they will never win the war as they don’t
have the emotional and mental capacity to do so. But you do.
In unity and with knowledge, we can defeat the invisible enemy and
rise above it all.
 DATING
A NARCISSIST

The brutal truth you don't want to

hear

How to spot a narcissist on the very first date and set boundaries to
become psychopath free
Dr. Theresa J. Covert
 Introduction

N icole met Jones at a friend’s party in October.

They had not talked for an hour when Jones asked her out on a
weekend date.
She said yes to dinner with Jones at a fancy restaurant. She said
yes to another date with him; she couldn't resist this man.
Jones was charming. He would leave flowers at the office for
Nicole. He texted her almost every minute of the day, and the
never-ending gifts were a thing too. He showered Nicole with lots
of attention.
Nicole felt unique to him.
In Nicole’s eyes, Jones was the perfect partner. Nicole couldn’t say
no to Jones when he asked her to move in with him. She thought
maybe she had finally found THE ONE.
However, things do not seem perfect of late; everything seems fine
with Jones at work.
He was happy at the law firm where he worked, but Nicole found
that they have been arguing much of late.
Also, Jones seems to be nitpicking at her. He used to love her
hairstyle and the way she laughs; now he says she doesn’t look real
in her braids anymore, and she makes horrible sounds when she
laughs.
Jones is never wrong even in the face of real facts now, and she is
now labeled as being dramatic.
She is the angry one now, she is the selfish one, and she is also the
crazy one.
Nicole got tired of Jones’ acts and wanted to move out, and so she
tolds Jones about her plans, and suddenly Jones went on his knees
to apologize to her.
Jones has been acting all sweet and affectionate again.
Dating can be expressed in light of two definitions. One, dating can be
regarded as going on dates and getting out to actively meet people and
spending time with them. Second, which is the focus of this book, dating is
seeing someone specific regularly with an intention in mind, and with a
purpose.
Dating can also be said to be a situation where two persons are attracted to
each other.
Two people who like each other spend time together to see if they can stand
each other for a long while.
If two people can stand to be around each other, they develop a relationship.
Dating is an attempt to determine compatibility; two people meet together
and get around to know the things they like about each other and the things
they don’t.
When two persons spend time together to find a committed relationship
with each other, they can be said to be dating each other. Dating is not
seeing a person with other intentions such as business or a casual get to
know.
Dating comes down to seeing a person with the possibility of having a
future long term relationship with them.
In the search for a potential mate, there is a chance that you might land for
yourself a narcissist. There is also a chance you might find someone healthy
for yourself, but you must recognize a narcissist from the start before you
fall hard in love with them.
Are you currently seeing someone with the hopes of establishing a serious
relationship with them? It is also essential that you assess the person you
are going out with now that things are just beginning to get serious.
There are narcissists everywhere: they are at the office, they are in the
family, they are at schools.
Name anywhere people are, there is a chance that a narcissist is present.
With the increasing presence of the internet today in our lives, narcissists
can be found on social media websites and dating websites.
Dating mobile applications and social media have made it easy for people
to connect faster than ever before. However, they bring downsides such as
making it easy for narcissists to find victims at ease; these tools also make it
easy for narcissists to manipulate people.
Narcissists find it easy to manipulate through social media platforms not
only because of the ease of use of these platforms but also because it is not
difficult to portray who you are not on social media.
Narcissists can sit in their couch and effortlessly keep on swiping on
profiles to find potential targets.
Apart from the possibility of an excellent future long-term relationship,
there are also lots of benefits to dating a healthy person. Dating a healthy
person can bring emotional benefits as well as physical health benefits.
Seeing someone has been shown by several studies to give a boost to
happiness levels, and apart from promoting happiness, dating someone
healthy has also been proven to reduce stress.
People in committed relationships have lower levels of the stress hormone,
cortisol.
When a person is happy and has low stress hormone levels, they feel on top
of the world, because being in a healthy relationship provides feelings of
trust, support, and love in a person. Dating also helps to develop an
individual’s personality because people can learn how to handle situations
and their relationships with other people.
Dating an unhealthy person comes with major downsides; the toxic partner
may start to nitpick and always criticize the other partner. Dating an
unhealthy person is like having a one-sided partnership; just a single person
makes all big and small relationship decisions.
Apart from a decision making imbalance, an unhealthy partner will always
place their needs above the needs of the relationship.
Narcissists can be charming and charismatic, which explains why people
are often drawn to them. They are extremely likable people at first sight and
are lovely people before they reveal their true colors.
They exhibit a pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by enlarged
feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration from others,
and a general lack of understanding of the opinions of other people.
This book aims at providing information in an enlightening and entertaining
way about how narcissists manipulate in the dating scene, and the not-too-
talked-about downsides of being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist.
It also brings into light the traits in people that makes them attractive to
narcissists, the phases of dating with a narcissist and how narcissists seek to
manipulate their partners.
Apart from that, it also discusses in details how narcissists operate in
romantic relationships; love bombing, gaslighting, devaluing, discarding,
and a host of other sneaky tactics. This book includes the ways of healing
after narcissistic abuse and how not to fall victim to another relationship
with a narcissist. It also focuses on the overt and the covert narcissists and
how they operate in intimate relationships.
I wrote this to enlighten you about what a relationship with a narcissist
looks like, and also to let you know that you can get through a bad
relationship in case you have found yourself dating a narcissist.
Both men and women have fallen prey to narcissistic abuse, especially in
intimate relationships, and this book views dating a narcissist from the two
gender perspectives.
I hope to add to your previous knowledge about narcissists and narcissistic
relationships, and also help you to recover and find your feet again if you
happen to have been a victim of abuse.
Thanks for purchasing this. I hope that you find it enlightening and
empowering as you come along with me.
The Three Cycles of Narcissistic Abuse
 Chapter 1: Love Bombing - Why Do Narcissists
Seem So Perfect?
I t would be good to start the discussion about narcissistic abuse in dating
with the stages narcissists go through with their victims. Narcissistic
abuse is not always emotional; sometimes, it is physical or a combination of
both.
Narcissists are manipulative and dangerous people who have a cycle they
take their targets through, and they will perform some specific actions and
say certain words to draw their victims in. These same facts are real for
dating too, and love bombing is the very first phase of dating a narcissist.
Love bombing, also referred to as idealization, is the feeling of being
swept away by a man or a woman. When you meet a new person who is
totally into you, and the person showers you with the attention, and the
validation you have always wanted, you naturally begin to think you have
found the right person for you, especially when you are out trying to find
love.
For the narcissist, this is the stage of the relationship when they put their
deceptive mask on and pretend to be who they are not. It is the point where
they present the best version of a healthy person as they can. They are
caring, loving, and everything right a person might be. It is normal to
shower a new love interest with attention and to be over the moon about
them, but, when the attention feels excessive and obsessive, there could be a
chance that your new-found partner might be using a tool of psychological
manipulation called love bombing.
Love bombing is a tool a narcissist uses for manipulating by overwhelming
the person with lots of love and affection. Love bombing occurs in cycles
which are repeated over and over again by the narcissist.
Going back to the story of Nicole and Jones in the introduction of this book,
we can see an excellent example of love bombing: Jones used love bombing
to ensure that Nicole falls in love with him.
At the beginning of their relationship, Jones was all sweet and charming,
constantly texting Nicole and sending her gifts frequently. While a
narcissist might be a woman or a man, in most cases, women fall victim to
love bombing because a majority of women are looking for the storybook
fairytale kind of love. Narcissists will play according to this weakness right
from the first minute of meeting their victims. The same goes for men who
fall victim to narcissistic women, while they might not hold fairytales in
their minds, the constant attention and the charming demeanor of the
narcissistic woman might hook them in.
Now, let's move forward to the signs of love bombing in a relationship. The
“love bombing” actions of a narcissist are not going to be the same in every
situation, but there are a few signs common to all cases. It might be
confusing to distinguish between what is a romantic gesture and love
bombing in some cases. But an excellent way to spot the difference is
waiting to see what happens next.
While if it is a romantic gesture, a healthy partner's words and actions are
always consistent, whereas a love bombing narcissist will place their
partner on a pedestal at first and knock them off later. The few telltale signs
of a love bombing narcissist include but are not limited to: extravagant
gifts, constant complimentary texting, mirroring behaviors, a strong push
for intimacy, and obsessive flattery.
Flattery comes into the mix as soon as a narcissist meets someone new, and
this flattery is not a one time kind of flattery, it keeps on coming and
coming after the narcissist finds a new target. Obsessive flattery by the
narcissist comes in the form of giving excessive, insincere praise.
Narcissists use flattery to get their victims addicted to the pleasure that
comes from approval. Unknown to the victims, obsessive flattery is a love
bombing tactic which the narcissist uses to learn more about the victim's
insecurities and vulnerabilities.
With the advent of social media and instant messaging, narcissists in the
early stages of dating their victims send long sappy messages. They are
always checking up on the victim, sending love messages, good morning
messages, good evening messages, good night messages, etc.
Bombarding the victim with long messages is a love-bombing technique
aimed at making the victim feel special and associating the feeling of being
exclusive with the narcissist.
Mirroring behavior is another way narcissists love bomb their victims;
every action of the victim is reflected by the narcissist, apart from imitating
the practices of the victim, narcissists will pretend to have similar interests
with the victim. If the victim loves to play basketball, the narcissist loves to
play basketball too. If the victim loves to swim, the narcissist loves to swim
also.
In the love-bombing phase, narcissists say they have fallen in love with
their victims; they say they are loyal and push for sex and intimacy early on
in the relationship. The ultimate goal of the narcissist using love bombing
is to make the victim dependent on them very early in the relationship.
Extravagant gifts that come in the line of the victims' interests are also
purchased and presented as surprises, no wonder the narcissist seems so
perfect at the early phase of a relationship
All the charades of the narcissist are insincere: the "love-bombing" is to get
the victim hooked and addicted so that they can proceed to the main reason
why they caught the victim, which is to abuse the victim emotionally, to
manipulate them mentally, and to use them for their own ends. Love
bombing as an endeavour to utilize affection, attention, and warmth to
influence someone else; it is a tool of mental manipulation and control; it
works on the victim because of a universal need to feel good. We all need to
feel good about who we are. This need can't be fulfilled by ourselves, and
that is why we seek it in loving relationships with others.
Narcissists are experts at recognizing this need in people, and they are
skilled at exploiting it. They detect people with low self-esteem and move
to use them. It is possible to identify love bombing right from the start of
your relationship with a narcissist and take precautionary measures from the
onset because what comes after this stage is something you don’t want to
experience.
How Do You Protect Yourself from Love-Bombing?
While it is possible at the present moment, you may have someone who is
displaying signs of affection towards you, and you can't tell if you are being
love-bombed or not. It can often be challenging to differentiate between a
person who is naturally kind and affectionate toward you and someone
loving with an intent to manipulate.
So how do you know how to protect yourself?
First, it's important to remember that building new relationships into
healthy relationships takes time and narcissists in most cases will want to
rush the process, so they can get to taking advantage of the victim and
achieving their evil intentions.
Also, unlike healthy relationships, in which displays of affection and
kindness continue indefinitely, and actions match words, love bombing
often involves a sudden change in the type of attention, inconsistent words
and actions and an exclusive show of kindness to the person a narcissist
desires while being unkind to others.
A right way of protecting yourself from love bombing is to step back from
your new relationship and see it in a different light. Think of your best
friend, and the things that you have in common and the things you don’t.
Now bring to mind how long it took to build that friendship. Whenever you
meet someone and in the space of a few weeks they act like your best friend
or seem to know all about you like your best friend, you should beware.
Furthermore, to protect yourself from falling into the trap of love bombing
narcissists, beware of anyone who is continually seeking to stroke your ego
and push the new relationship to levels you're not ready for. In the early
phase of any relationship, don't be scared to slow things down if you feel
things are moving too fast at a pace you don’t feel comfortable with. Setting
boundaries and limiting your contact will keep you from falling for a
narcissist, and it will also help you to see your new relationship from a
realistic perspective.
Love is naturally healthy and doesn’t come in heavy doses of false
attention. To avoid being manipulated into an unhealthy relationship at any
point, it is crucial for you to keep learning about the ways people seek to
manipulate you with your own emotions.
 Chapter 2: Devaluation – Honeymoon ’ s Over!
D evaluation is the second cycle of narcissistic abuse in dating; it is the
next thing after the narcissist gets bored of love bombing. See, during
the love-bombing stage, the victim is treated like "a shiny new object"
because the narcissist is obsessed with them.
The victim thinks of love and feels it is being reciprocated while it isn't. The
thoughtful acts, unique gifts, "now and forever" promises are to keep the
victim at ease and unprepared for what is coming next.
The victim is at ease thinking “finally, I have found the love of my life”
as love bombing can last for weeks, months, or even more than a year. The
victim feels supported, admired, and loved.
There is no time frame for devaluing; you can't for sure say that after ten
days, the narcissists take the relationship to this phase. The time frame is
different for every narcissist, and it depends on how long they can hold their
stuff together and make you believe that you're in an actual loving, fulfilling
relationship.
So now you have been completely love bombed or idealized by the
narcissist, and you're now completely head-over-heels in love with them,
and you believe that they are head-over-heels in love with you too. It is time
for them to move on to the next phase.
To a narcissist, a hundred days isn’t much time to make the victim think
everything is going fine. You will get about a hundred days of love
bombing and thinking that everything is so great and so perfect, and also
continue thinking that nothing is ever going to change.
Then you get a rude surprise one day.
The relationship hits a painful stage, not physically in most cases, but
emotionally because most times, the narcissist doesn’t inflict physical pain
on the victim but seeks to start wounding, you, the victim, emotionally.
A victim passing through this stage of the cycle might not even know they
are being devalued at this point, and that is a sad thing.
Devaluation starts with a drastic shift in the way the narcissist treats the
victim, a person who would call and text every day is no longer doing the
same. If you had the flu or a cold during the love-bombing phase, this same
person would be there for you as a nurse. They might even grab
prescriptions for you and take outstanding care of you on the way to
recovery.
Devaluation happens pretty cut-and-dry when they start not valuing the way
that you feel, what you say, and your actions. The narcissist guilt trips you
for doing something that is of value to you or something you were supposed
to do as an emphatic human being. A good example is staying late at work
to meet an important deadline or attending to a sick grandparent. In cases
like this, the narcissist will guilt trip you because of their own constant need
for attention.
The lack of responsibility and empathy and constant projection of blame
onto others is a characteristic of the narcissist unknown to the victim at the
love-bombing phase, and the qualities unknown to the victim come into
light gradually at the devaluation phase when the victim has placed their
emotional wellbeing in the hands of the narcissist.
Devaluation starts when the narcissist is sure that they have control of the
emotional wellbeing of the victim in their hands, and the victim is all
hooked in the relationship.
It is effortless for narcissists to find faults in others, even for no good
reason. For example, if you wash a car for a narcissist, instead of being
grateful for the act, the narcissist will find a fault about the way you washed
it or how you didn’t clean up a tiny spec of dust on the windscreen. There is
no way they are going to appreciate the effort you put into getting their car
cleaned.
In romantic relationships at this stage, the partner of the narcissist is trying
their best to make them happy and keep them pleased with the relationship,
but no matter what they do, it is never enough in the eyes of the narcissist.
What makes this stage confusing to the victim is that maybe at times, the
narcissist is happy and an absolute delight to be with.
Unknown to the victim in the relationship, the narcissist is only happy when
they are trying to get a particular thing they want, and the delightful
appearance is to get what they want.
The Devaluing Actions of the Narcissist
Verbal
Verbal devaluing is the words the narcissists say to you as their victim to
confuse, strip you of self-identity, make you doubt your sanity and in the
end leave you dependent on them for your sense of self-identity.
There are many ways in which the narcissist can use words to devalue you.
These are: verbal insults, gaslighting, demanding information or
withholding information, threats, projecting blame, and accusations.
Verbal devaluation arises as a result of "weaknesses" in the victim, and the
narcissists exploit these weaknesses in entirely different ways.
A good example of verbal devaluation in an intimate relationship is:
“You’ve got the body of a goddess.” (Idealization)
“I think you would look much younger if you work out.” (Devaluation)

Physical
Devaluation also comes in actions like being unavailable for you in times of
need and distress, or having sex with you despite having STDs and not
saying a word about it.
The physical kind of devaluation shows itself readily in many actions of the
narcissist. They start to distance themselves away from you and make
excuses only to come back abruptly to tell you they are sorry and repeat the
cycle over again. When they are confronted, they justify their actions and
sweep them under the rug.
Trauma Bonding
Devaluation also happens through trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is a
phenomenon that explains the feelings of love captives have for their
captors.
The narcissists can achieve devaluation through trauma bonding because,
during the love-bombing phase, they have successfully noted the
insecurities of the victim, and know precisely what to say or do to make the
victim feel better.
For a victim with self-image issues, the narcissist knows how to provide
temporary relief to make the victim more and more dependent. It might
even be a childhood wound which the victim is unconscious of that the
narcissist keys into.

Why Do Narcissists Seek to Devalue You?

Often, narcissists are delusional and are disconnected from themselves, as
outer focused beings, they are toxic, and they don't even connect to
themselves in a self-loving and self-supportive way.
So when they are feeling anxious, they will not admit this to anyone else,
and since the narcissist can’t connect to anyone else on a stable emotional
level, they resort to verbal abuse.
Their grandiose sense of delusion also makes them believe that they are the
better ones in the relationship. They are always looking for ways to feed
their ego, and since they can't lovingly talk to themselves, they look
outward for an ego stroke.
Their messed up psyche needs their partners to meet their unrealistic
expectations, and also it needs their partner to submit to them alone, and
once they discover that they can't get whatever it is they crave, they lash out
and feel angry. They punish people for the inner rage they feel for relief.
If anything goes wrong in the narcissist’s life, it is not their fault in any way,
and when they commit atrocities too, it is not their fault: they are
unconscious to what the truth of the matter is, and that is why they seek
external sources to lash out on and take responsibility for their misdeeds.
Is it Something You Have Said or Done?
At times, during this stage of the relationship, you start to wonder if you are
the problem or not. That is precisely how the narcissist wants you to feel.
They gaslight you into thinking you are the issue.
If you are spending time with a partner who is a liar and has no empathy,
you will be violated, and you start to behave like an emotionally wounded
person.
You may also be confused by what is happening and think you are the one
to blame for the actions of the narcissist.
Being devalued by a narcissist doesn’t come in anger bursts and constant
criticism alone. It can also present itself as having no concern for you, your
activities, or your needs. It may come with objectifying you and treating
you like a cheap object. It may also be lying and saying things behind your
back that would hurt you.
Devaluation as a stage in the narcissistic abuse cycle features constant
accusations and criticisms, gaslighting, lying and cheating, and verbal
abuse. If you are in this stage, it is advisable to react calmly or walk away
from the relationship so that you don’t get stuck in a narcissistic web of
manipulation.
It is necessary to state at this point that devaluation doesn’t only happen
between a narcissist and their victim in a romantic relationship, it also
occurs in other relationships of the narcissists because they, the narcissist
,always make people dependent on them and create a situation of co-
dependency.
A codependent person relies on an external source for a sense of identity,
validation, and approval. Co-dependency makes it easy for the narcissist to
manipulate their victims as they prey on this weakness. The victim is
dependent on the narcissist for self-love, self-worth, and self-approval.
You are not responsible for the feelings of the narcissist, and you can
always find a good relationship with a loving adult who is honest, decent
and kind and who isn’t still seeking to blame people for how they feel but
has accepted the responsibility of how they think like responsible adults.
Finally, devaluing will lead to the narcissist’s full discard, which is the next
phase that will be expanded upon in the coming chapter.
 Chapter 3: Discarding – Run Away and Never
Look Back
H aving talked about love bombing and devaluing, the next cycle and the
final cycle is the discarding stage, and discarding might come
temporarily or permanently. Momentarily, they withdraw totally from the
victim for only a short while, and definitively, they never speak to the
victim again.
Narcissists want attention always, and they will take it, whether it is good or
bad. They prefer good, but they will take bad if they can't get the right kind.
A narcissist is a person who loves drama and while they are craving any
attention from you, they are also ready to dump you and move on to
someone else, especially when they have somebody else they can slink right
onto.
A temporary discard will have the narcissists coming back to say “sorry”
and a permanent discard is when they quit talking to you altogether. It
depends on the kind of person you are dealing with.
Depending on the kind of narcissist you are dealing with, they might want
to discard you publicly or privately. Without any closure, they walk away,
and you are getting no single answer for the millions of questions that are
going to run through your mind at that point.
In the previous chapter, it was mentioned that there is no specific time
frame for the stages a relationship goes through with a narcissist, but this
stage shouldn’t come as a surprise since the narcissist doesn’t come to this
phase directly. They love bomb the victim, then move on to devalue them
and finally discard them.
It is quite natural for the narcissist to walk away at this point of the
relationship, one, because they have found a new narcissistic supply source,
and two because they always have little or no emotional investment in a
relationship.
Devaluing actions are signs that something is going to happen sooner or
later in the relationship, and the lying, cheating, plan canceling, lack of
physical intimacy, gaslighting and other symptoms will eventually snowball
to one significant point where the relationship ends abruptly.
However, for the narcissist, they can’t wait to get to the discarding phase
and move on to the next thing; the narcissist is tired of the games, and they
want something new.
Perhaps, you are no longer fulfilling a particular function to the narcissist;
then it’s time for them to cast you aside and abandon you, with no sad
parting, no healthy communication.
Discarding you is the last part of the cycle. However, it doesn’t mean the
death of your relationship with the narcissist as you might be abandoned
only temporarily. The reason why a narcissist will seek to drop you only
temporarily is that they know how insecure you are and how leaving you
might open up a past psychological wound.
Temporarily discarding you will give the narcissist a feeling of great
satisfaction knowing they have hurt you emotionally, and they feel
important knowing they have such an effect on you. They think they are
significant and hold it in their heads that the world revolves around them.
They get a temporary “high” and when they know you are trying to reach
them, or you are stalking them after they have discarded you, the "high"
feeling hits them again. They will feel happy at hearing about how to hurt
you are or how much you miss them.
The signs the narcissist is planning to discard you
The narcissist discards you when they see you are no longer useful to them,
they have love-bombed you, and you gave in so that they can devalue you
and since they have gotten the “thrill” they sought out to find in the first
place, your time is up. Also, the narcissist must have secured another source
of narcissistic supply before they make a conscious choice to discard you.
The attention you have given them is no longer good enough for them and
its time to move on to a higher quality narcissistic supply.

1. They are searching for someone new

The narcissist has begun the hunt for other prey, and you might be aware of
this because your gut is telling you they are currently looking for another to
replace you.
You observe them on the phone making long calls to a “friend” or “business
partner” or “work colleague” and long hours on their social media account
and they are now secretive about their emails, phone messages, and social
media accounts.
You will also notice a sudden change in their routines and frequent
unexplainable unavailability. They might disappear for days without
explanation or any contact or tell you long stories and countless lies
explaining their behavior.
They might even gaslight you to make you think you are the cause of their
change in behavior. You all of a sudden find things where you didn't put
them; you might find objects around and you can't explain how they got
there.
Evidently, they are trying to gaslight you to think you are the cause of their
behavior.
Another pointer at this point are new manners: at this point, they are trying
to love to bomb their latest victim, and as such, they are changing their
appearance, they are wearing new clothes, they are looking suitable for their
potential victim.
You might even notice “triangulation” where you are frequently being
compared to someone else; you are being compared to someone you don't
know.

2. The “mask” drops completely

You have never seen them behave in this way before.
Prior this time, they have been operating under the mask of a healthy
person, and now, they have decided to put off the cover because they don’t
intend to keep you any longer.
They no longer have to keep up with the charade, and there is no need to
put on the mask again. You now get to see them for who they are.
Now their full features are amplified and they don’t need to keep up with
who they once were because it is time to let you go. They don’t have any
more reasons to reply to your texts as soon as possible, and there is no need
to disclose anything important to you again at this point.
At this stage, they don't care about how you feel, and you would observe
their inconsistencies and see through their lies. The mask has dropped for
you, and they are only putting it on around the new victim.
These signs point to the fact that whatever it is you had with the narcissist
wasn’t real even though you might desperately want it to be real. You might
feel or be sick, and this is due to the cognitive dissonance you feel at this
point.
The narcissists discard you just because they have found other sources of
narcissistic supply and they might come back in the future to use you as a
tool to punish whoever their current partner is.
Know that the three cycles of narcissistic manipulation go hand in hand,
and you might be recruited again for the narcissist's agenda. For the sake of
your sanity and your well being, rereadthe information about these stages
and see if they don’t apply to you or someone you know.
Having established the cycles of narcissistic abuse, it is time to move on to
the types of narcissists and the tactics they use to seduce their victims and
the ones they use in manipulating and abusing their partners in
relationships.
In the next section, we will examine some of the different tactics narcissists
employ in their manipulation game and how effective these tactics are for
them. The tactics discussed in the subsequent section are the most common
tactics used by narcissists, and that is the reason why they are featured.
Narcissistic Manipulation In Dating
 Chapter 4: The Overt Narcissist and The Covert
Narcissist
T here exists a particular distinction between the type of narcissists in
psychology: overt narcissists, and covert narcissists. This classification
is based on the personalities of the two kinds of narcissists and the behavior
they exhibit dominantly. The significant difference between the two types
of narcissists will be expanded on in this chapter.
The two different kinds of narcissist operate differently in intimate
relationships, and they also explore the tactics that will be discussed later on
in different ways, but one thing is common to the two kinds of the
narcissist, and that is that they seek to manipulate others, including their
partners, to do their bidding.
The Overt Narcissist.
“Blimey! Is that the time? I haven’t even gotten to the part where
‘I’ had to save the day. She messed it all up. It was left to ‘me’ to
save the day. If ‘I’ had not been there, they would not have
survived without ‘me.’”
Ever been in a social gathering of friends or colleagues and there is that one
person who keeps on talking about himself/herself only to find their words
a perambulation of self-eulogy?
Overt narcissists are narcissists with an extroverted nature.
An overt narcissist is someone who openly, without any reservation, cares
about himself and nothing else. This is the type of person who tends to be
loud, arrogant, self-absorbed, insensitive, and puts him/herself under the
spotlight. This person feeds off the attention of others. As fish is to water,
so is an overt narcissist to being in the spotlight looking for compliments.
How do they behave?
This is perhaps the most accessible type of narcissist to identify. Individuals
who fall into this category are outward with this personality trait. There is
no ambiguity when it comes to them except when they are manipulative.
Overt narcissists walk into a room and immediately look for ways to
become the center of attention. They cannot stand other people being in the
spotlight. They, in some way or capability, have to show themselves as
though performing in front of an audience. They tend to look down on their
peers while they surround themselves with those, who by being in their
vicinity, elevate their status and prestige.
Overt narcissists are the ones you find being heartless towards others. They
strive for success and happiness even at the expense of others.
Their unique traits include but are not restricted to:
1. Arrogance.
2. Attention demanding.
3. Mocking and degrading others.
4. Viewing people as stepping stones.
5. Being prone to outbursts when not satisfied.
6. Manipulative
7. Defensive and combative
8. Looking for opportunities to outshine and outclass others publicly.
How do they choose to manipulate victims?
In the case of an overt narcissist, he/she tends to suppress others in a bid to
feel empowered. Two reasons why they would “hang” out with you are that
you have something they want, and by getting it, it boosts their ego and that
you have nothing to offer but your presence reminds them of how better off
they are.
How the overt narcissist operates in an intimate relationship;
How they treat their boyfriends/girlfriends
This is a tricky subject for a lot of people because many are in denial that
they are in mentally, physically, or emotionally abusive relationships. It
starts with their choice. Overt narcissists tend to either be in a relationship
where the partner is physically alluring or emotionally weak.
For those who go into a relationship with physically alluring partners, they
do so for the attention. A narcissistic man/woman who goes into a
relationship with a physically alluring partner feeds off of the attention their
partner gets, which invariably makes them look good. Questions like, “how
did you get him/her to fall in love with you?”, “What’s your secret?” Have a
way of fueling the egos of narcissists. They primarily tend to go for such
people (physically appealing) specifically for such moments. It is like being
in high school all over again. The hottest girl ending up with the hottest
guy, the only difference being, one of them is only in the relationship for the
attention it brings and not necessarily for the commitment.
On the other hand, overt narcissists in relationships with emotionally weak
individuals enjoy the power of being in charge. It feeds their ego to
astronomical heights. Emotionally fragile individuals tend to be dependent
on their partners, and by doing so, they invariably cause their narcissistic
partners to feel like gods in their relationship. They are in constant supply
of their needed attention in such a relationship.
Remember, a narcissistic individual is all about himself and craves
attention, which is why an overt narcissist does this without any conscience.
Examples of how overt narcissists treat their partners.
1. Overt narcissists tend to be self-appointed know it alls.
The opinions, thoughts or contribution of their girlfriend or boyfriend tends
to be corrected, marginalized or sometimes invalidated and this can be
embarrassing especially when it is done in public gatherings such as parties,
meetings, and the likes.
You might once have noticed that the conversation might have started with
you but all of a sudden, thirty minutes into the conversation and it is no
longer about you but about himself/herself. He/she might be the type to
listen to you and nod along with what you are saying only to interrupt you
later and revert the conversation to himself/herself or back to what they
were speaking on earlier.
2. Controlling.
They can be controlling, not giving you enough space to fully express
yourself, which is as a result of insecurity and no longer being the center of
your attention. Therefore, they fuel their ego to feel relevant. They also
present themselves as saviors as it puts them in a position of superiority.
3. Manipulative.
Such a person is not concerned about your emotions, unless they somehow
serve his/her cause. He/she might coerce or repeatedly insist on having their
way by warming up to you to get their way. Doing this further nourishes
their ego. They can play the victim, be upset, or bring up old hurts caused
by you to guilt-trip and hurt you in return.
 4. Difficult
Overt narcissists can deliberately be difficult, and this is because watching
their boyfriend or girlfriend get flustered gives them a sense of importance.
They do this simply because they can, and it gets them the needed reaction.
They can choose to disagree with you purely because it is ‘fun.’ Your
reaction makes them matter as opposed to nothing. A response, to them, is
the needed validation that they still matter.
The Covert Narcissist
A covert narcissist is someone who has almost the same characteristics as
the covert narcissist, but goes about it in an entirely different way but
achieves the same result.
Covert narcissists are naturally introverts in nature as opposed to overt
narcissists. They tend to be more subtle in their relations with others, but
the result is always the same.
How do they behave?
It is easier to spot overt narcissism than covert narcissism as the latter is not
straightforward. Often it isn’t until the victim has fallen into the trap that
they realize, albeit late, that they have had their emotions played with.
Consider a hamburger. You can order a large, small or medium-sized burger
but the fact is it is still a hamburger. That is the same principle here. Covert
narcissism can be considered the small burger.
They tend to be more reclusive, but it is not necessarily true. Covert
narcissists take their time to study their surroundings and people to find and
exploit individuals who they deem as prey. They can portray themselves as
timid, but it is a ploy to garner attention. They are not particular about the
attention of the masses but are content with the few they have. They are
manipulative, and emotions are their means of getting what they want. They
have a higher thirst for attention than overt narcissists as they are slightly
weaker emotionally.
Their unique features.
1. Toys with emotions and attentions and utilizes them as a tool.
2. Self-pity is an arsenal.
3. He/she paints himself/herself as a victim.
4. Exaggerates on stories that will garner pity and concern.
 5. He/she sees himself/herself as a victim of abuse, trauma, or
depression.
6. He/she blames others.
7. He/she creates commotion to gain attention.
8. Sees life as unfair and thinks he/she is being treated poorly by
others.
How does the covert narcissist choose to manipulate victims?
Covert narcissists do not go to the extremes overt narcissists do to gather
attention; they are not seen at the forefront of the limelight but rather at the
back. They play the victim, or a disturbed or hurt individual, and this works
as people tend to sympathize and develop an urge to help.
They intentionally place themselves in a compromising situation just to be
rescued or helped. They tend to be emotionally weak and exploit other
emotionally vulnerable individuals.
How the covert narcissist operates in an intimate relationship;
how they treat their boyfriends/girlfriends
In relationships, covert narcissists could be said to be more formidable than
overt narcissists when considering the emotional rollercoaster they put their
victims through. A covert narcissist never seems to run out of excuses in a
relationship.
They can be clingy and quick to be jealous. Narcissists love the attention
that they get from being the ‘only’ one. Irrespective of the sacrifices made
by their partners, a covert narcissist rarely gets satisfied. Every new day
becomes another opportunity to demand attention.
They tend to become dependent on their partners, and this is not as a result
of a COVERT narcissist being incapable of taking care of himself/herself,
but such dependency gives them the level of intimacy and attention they
need and want.
They lack empathy towards their partner’s needs and are solely focused on
theirs. An example of this could be going out for dinner. He/she might want
to dine at an expensive restaurant, but you might not have the money for it.
Rather than understand your present limitations, he/she would probably
fake tears, become moody, act out, or ruin the rest of your evening.
Another good example is you could have had a bad day and be stressed out
at work and try to communicate that to your partner only to have them
complain about you not having time for them or not sacrificing as much as
he/she does in the relationship. Covert narcissists tend to whip out the ‘guilt
trip' card any time.
In such relationships, their partners tend to find that they are becoming
increasingly fatigued emotionally, mentally, and physically as covert
narcissists can be draining to their partners.
They are not willing to be called out on their wrongs and would instead
blame it on their partners or blame it on a past incidence. It is never them to
be blamed. In extreme cases, they would flip it around and give reasons
why they are the victim of what you claim they did, which was ultimately
as a result of your earlier actions leading to the present moment. (Do you
follow?)
Creating confusion in relationships is another tactic of a covert narcissist.
What this accomplishes is a confused partner who starts to doubt
themselves, making them further subjectable to manipulation. Doing this
gives them leverage and gives them power over their partners.
They have a way of making it seem like you are the one with the problem.
They can disregard you in crucial moments such as canceling a date last
minute, ignoring your calls, being online and chatting with others but not
replying to your messages, or giving a definite answer. Remember, covert
narcissists prey on the emotionally weak and as such their partners are no
different thereby lacking the necessary willpower to walk away from an
abusive relationship causing them to invariably become dependent on their
partners despite being treated this way. Their partners do not seem to have
enough courage to walk away, making them susceptible to further
manipulation.
It takes a great deal of effort to receive compliments from a covert
narcissist. Compliments elevate you, and that is something they cannot
afford. They need to be in control always. Whatever they do, all that matters
is how they feel and the attention they get. That is why they cannot afford to
be seen publicly in a negative light. Hence, they treat their partners better in
public than they do when no one is around as it gives the needed attention
they want so badly.
Although it can be said that at the end of the day a narcissist is a self-
absorbed individual who craves attention, the two categories, overt
narcissist and covert narcissist, consist of different individuals who achieve
the same result through various methods.
Where a covert narcissist could be seen as someone who is subtle in his
behavior, an overt narcissist is the complete opposite. Overt narcissists can
be loud and direct about their approach, often being blunt and
straightforward whereas a covert would be more diplomatic, dropping
subtle hints that elude to those they interact with. They still produce the
same result though.
 Chapter 5: The Narcissist ’ s Harem
W hat exactly is a narcissist’s harem, and how does it count as a
manipulation tactic when a narcissist finds a new victim? This might
be a few of many questions that come to mind at the sight of this chapter’s
title. To grasp the concept of a narcissist’s harem, let’s continue with an
untold part of Nicole and Jones’ story.
When Nicole and Jones started dating for a couple of weeks, Jones
had explained to her that he has a lot of female friends, but she
never saw it as a threat to their relationship until she discovered
later on that over seventy-five per cent of his friends on Facebook
and two-thirds of his phone contacts were women.
She began to have the feeling of been investigated by those ladies
as they would not stop sending her friend requests on Facebook,
looking to penetrate her affairs to unravel her dirt.
At first, she thought the feeling of been investigated was because of
competition between her and other ladies. Jones was a charming
man and the dream of every lady.
What Nicole didn’t know is that she was the new prey the lion was
sharing his attention with because she was the fresh catch and was
still sparkly, and every other lady was relegated to the end of the
line.
The Narcissist Harem are the people a narcissist goes back to when they
need care. These can include friends and family members, but
fundamentally they are people they used to date, their former boyfriends or
girlfriends, people that gave them attention previously, people who at a time
did not give them the privileges they wanted or new people they seek to
pull into their web.
When a narcissist is with a member of their Narcissist Harem, they exhibit
an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for excessive attention and
admiration, a lack of empathy, and often a lot of conflict.
Examples of Narcissist Harem Roles
Shiny objects move narcissists as they are fickle creatures and they often
replace the objects as swiftly as they have obtained them, they are used to
manufacturing love triangles to make their partners jealous and compete for
their attention and approval.
In the eyes of the narcissist, every harem is replaceable and interchangeable
depending on what they can offer to the narcissist.
Contrary to popular belief, the role of a Narcissist Harem can be changed at
any time, and this is as a result of what the narcissist perceives. There are
five examples of Narcissist Harem roles:
1. The Love-Bombed Target
This is when a potential Narcissist Harem member just becomes the
girlfriend or boyfriend of the Narcissist, and he/she has been treated like a
king or queen, and the Narcissist presents the new potential member of the
Narcissist Harem as the best.
The new target is considered infallible by the narcissist, so the narcissist
gives all attention to the victim at the detriment of others and showers
excessive praise, special favor, and flattery on the victim.
This care makes the new object of affection become the subject of jealousy
from the other victims who once occupied the position of the Harem, but
within a short time, the victim is also relegated.
2. The Ride-or Die-Enablers
The most devoted of the Narcissist Harem is the ‘ride-or-die’ enablers for
the narcissist. They must shield the narcissist from accountability and
defend the excessive entitled attitude of the narcissist towards things they
desire.
They can do anything immoral to save the head of the narcissist and shut
down any complaints from anyone who dares to question the behavior of
the narcissist. They also act as shields and bullies, and taunt any target
threatening to come at the narcissist. They are devoted followers of the
narcissist who can perpetrate various schemes, whether immoral or unjust
because of the narcissist. Examples of such are parents, siblings, colleagues
at work, friends, or anyone who has become a devout follower of the
narcissist.
3. The Right-Hand-Man or Woman
This is an individual who assists the narcissist in breaking laws and order,
and who has aligned to the values of the narcissist. A victim of the
narcissist will not fill into this role at all. This person is irreplaceable to the
narcissist as they are self-centered, not empathic, and exploitative in their
view. Hence they are always with the narcissist for a long time. They are
usually the best friend, confidant, and partner of the narcissist but just like
others they can be replaced once the narcissist gets a better and new option.
4. The Empathic-Caretakers
The individual usually fills this role with the most compassionate and
empathic yet blinded perso. This is a person often bonded by trauma to the
narcissist and Harem. This set of people feel the narcissist is the right
individual who cares for them and wants the best for them.
The narcissist often does not need good people, but they surround
themselves with people who care so much as this empathic person is only
used to draw other people into the net of the narcissist. These caregivers
often portray the right image for the narcissist as a generous person, and
this gives a ‘social proof’ that the narcissist has the support of people who
are morally different from them.
5. The Scapegoat
This individual is the punching bag of the narcissist and every other
member of the Narcissist Harem. They are often treated with disdain and
blamed for whatever bad things happen to the narcissist. They are often
ignored by the narcissist whenever other members of the Harem are praised.
How do you know someone who is in a Narcissist Harem and
how Narcissist Operate them
Imagine the feeling of been humiliated, mercilessly manipulated, and
ridiculed. Your personality has been eroded and diminished as you see
yourself as a misfit. Perhaps you have gone through the cycle of abuse
several times within a short time. Maybe you have been harassed, lied to,
and bullied to stick to your abuser. This is precisely what it means to be in a
Narcissist Harem as the narcissist engages in verbal and emotional abuse
towards their victims. If you see yourself experiencing any of the signs
below, it is an indication that you are in a Narcissist Harem.
1. Experiencing dissociation just to survive
This is the feeling of emotional and physical detachment from society, and
experiencing disruptions in your memory, perceptions, and sense of self.
Separation is, of course, the essence of trauma, and it does result in
emotional deadening in the face of terrible situations. The victim finds ways
to block the impact of the pains experienced emotionally, so he/she does not
deal with the total danger of the circumstance.
2. Walking on Eggshells
The Harem begins to avoid places, people, or activities that can provide
relief. The trauma caused by narcissism might result in the victim not
picking up phone calls from family members and not attending social
functions. This, however, does not help the victim as the narcissist still
abuses the victim anytime the narcissist chooses to use the victim as a
punching bag.
3. Putting aside your needs and sacrificing everything only to please the
abuser
Since the life of the Narcissist Harem revolves around the narcissist, the
goals, hobbies, and friendships of the victim have all been sacrificed just to
make the abuser happy in the relationship. The victim, however, has to do
more to please the narcissist who actually never gets satisfied.
4. Battling with health issues and somatic symptoms that represent your
psychological turmoil
The stress caused by abuse from a narcissist may send the cortisol levels of
the victim into overdrive and result in the suppression of the immune
system, leaving the victim vulnerable to illnesses and diseases. Sleeping
also becomes difficult as the mind flashbacks to the painful experiences
caused by the abuse.
5. Developing no trust
Everyone appears to be a threat, and there is so much anxiety about what
others can do, especially after having been battered by someone the victim
trusted. There is, therefore, a hard time trusting anyone, including yourself.
6. Having suicidal thoughts or self-harming tendencies
Depression and anxiety usually result in a sense of hopelessness as the
circumstance becomes unbearable as if there is no way out. Thoughts of
harming yourself by taking poison or jumping from a cliff do frequent the
mind of the victim.
7. Comparing yourself to others, and blaming yourself for the abuse
Due to the multiple people in the triangle of the narcissist, the victim begins
to compete for the attention of the abuser for care and approval. The victim
starts to ask “why me” and blame him or herself for the abuse instead of the
abuser.
8. Self-sabotage and self-destruction
The victim meditates on the abuse and hears the voice of the abuser in his
mind, thereby increasing negative self-talk and possibility of self-sabotage,
and this often results in suicide.
9. Fear of doing what you love doing and achieving success
The sense of worthlessness pushes the victim to never believing in himself;
this conditions the mind of the victim to failure and hopelessness.
To bring an end to this chapter, it should be stated again that a Narcissist
Harem is a group of people the narcissist goes back to when they need care,
and these people are not limited to just family and friends, but also previous
partners, and whoever gave them attention in the past.
 Chapter 6: They will HOOVER you!

WHAT IS HOOVERING?
Imagine an ex who abused you sexually, talked you down and beat you
several times, reaching out to you after a breakup and trying to be your
friend again. This is someone who never valued you while you dated and he
wants to renew the friendship just because he needs what he is not getting
from you.
Or,
Imagine an ex who abused you verbally, and played with your emotions,
reaching out to you long after the break up trying to be your friend again.
This is a woman who never valued you while the whole relationship lasted.
Hoovering is an attitudinal pattern connected with narcissistic personality
disorder (NPD).
Narcissists make contact with one or any of their former lovers after a
period of separation when they discover they have moved on with their life.
Hoovering happens when the narcissist seeks to suck their victim back into
the relationship after the Narcissist, and their partner has not communicated
in a long time, and the insincerity of the narcissist characterizes it.
Hoovering is an emotional abuse technique used by the narcissists to get the
victim back into their sphere by using several manipulative personality
types with the victim. It often happens when the narcissist is running low on
supply, and they need to suck their victims back into the relationship with
them. Hoovering is basically like treating a partner like dirt.
A narcissist perception of their victim is that they are prey, servicing their
pleasure anytime they are hungry. A narcissist will always want to be in
charge so whenever they have lost control of their victim, they come back
to prove they are superior to the victim by using various tactics of
narcissistic abuse.
The narcissist believes whatever belongs to them can never be taken away
from them, so they ensure to suck back the victim into a relationship. The
narcissist derives pleasure from harming the victims as a lion kills his prey,
ensuring victims are never happy, and they are hopeless about life.
This kind of abuse consists of intentional acts of hurting to the extent that it
results in symptoms similar to PTSD or Stockholm syndrome and a
disorder. The narcissist has an addiction to making their victims miserable
always, and the narcissist does relieve themselves with alcohol, cigarettes,
and other hard drugs.
A male narcissist is an exploiter, and he intentionally hoovers to test a
vaccine, mercilessly opening the wounds of his victim to enable him to suck
the supply.
The victim is needed when there is a significant need like sex, money, or
attention, and the narcissist only returns when he is short of what the victim
is capable of supplying. After the narcissist gets supply from his victim, he
throws a party. His words of love are not sincere as he only says it for love-
bombing, a technique employed as part of a bigger plan to neutralize and
bait the victim and gain their trust. Whenever the narcissist love-bombs he
sweeps his victim off their feet with a motive to exploit the victim. This
love-bomb is so that he can get his next fix.
A narcissist abuses his victims mercilessly with no remorse, and he seeks to
inflict wounds and violate the rights of his victims. He proves to be superior
with how he bullies his victims, recaptures them, manipulates and subverts
the mind and will of his ex. He does this by tearing down every sense of
worth, value and self of his victim and instills in his victim anxiety, terror,
doubt and confusion. All these contribute to the victim dissociating from
people, talking to his or herself and getting depressed.
A narcissist believes in entitlement forever, and he wants to suck out supply
from his victim forever, so he is always on the lookout to maintain a double
standard in terms of entitlement. The narcissist is domineering, so he feels
entitled to get and keep all the fun and ecstasies of the relationship. They do
this by erecting themselves as small gods to their victims and tear down
every sense of self of their victim.
Hoovering occurs when a narcissist returns to ensure his past partner is
trapped on an emotional roller coaster, deceived by falsehoods and
deceptions. He is ruthless and callous towards his victim’s pains and
renders his victim powerless. His desire always is to be hated, and he is
glad when his victim begins to act violently towards him and also hates
him. He is excited how his partner feels after feeling bad for hating him as
he knows this makes her feel miserable.
The same is true for the female narcissist, too; she hoovers her victim
because she believes the world revolves around her, and she can get
whatever she wants whenever she wants it.
HOW A NARCISSIST ATTEMPTS TO HOOVER THEIR
VICTIMS IN DATING
To avoid being sucked in by the hoovering tricks of a narcissist, it is
expedient to know how they operate in relationships; they can go to any
length to get you back in their circle and suck you like a vacuum sucks up
dirt in your carpet. Falling into their tricks makes them satisfied as it is all
about them and not about you and they only came back to see their level of
influence on you and the moment they discover they are still in control,
they get back to abusing you.
You need to be careful not to fall into the schemes of narcissists, and the
following are the attempts narcissists engage in when hoovering their
victims in relationships.
1. Act like there was no breakup
Narcissists will always act like there was no break up by trying to be careful
if it has been a long time since they have communicated with you. They
know you have moved on with life, but after some months, they send you a
romantic text telling you of the date you first had with them. The first night
you had sex with them and shortly after reading the text message, you hear
a knock on the door, and it is a dispatch rider with a parcel containing rose
flowers from the narcissist. What a blossoming sentiment, you suddenly
pick up your phone to retrieve their number to call them asking for lunch
and thank them for the text message and the rose flowers. You are already
sucked back.
2. I love you, I adore you, and I can never do without you
Everyone desires to be shown love and to be cared for, and no one wants to
resist love as it invokes feelings of happiness and value. It communicates
the feeling of being understood and someone wanting to spend time with
you. Narcissists understand desire as a need for every human being, and
they use the “love” and “adore” as a tool to get you back into their trap.
Their kind of love is a love on a mission to suck supply out of their victims
and get what they need urgently and then move on.
3. The important and Romantic Hoover
A narcissist is aware of the sweet moment you had together, so he leverages
on your memories of what happened when you were with him and feeds
your emotions on these events.
He sends a message of reminiscence and reminds you of every romantic
moment and also tells you how you have always appeared in their dreams in
their arms.
4. The “Accidental” communication
This happens in two ways: the narcissists sends a text or calls and asks if
the victim called or he planned to send the text to someone else. Any of
these tricks is an avenue to lure the victim back into his domain and start a
conversation. If the victim responds to the text or returns the call, it is an
opportunity for the narcissist to suck supply from the victim and within a
short time, you are servicing his needs consistently and going through the
cycle of abuse.
5. There is trouble
It can be emotional hearing someone you love is going through turbulent
times, as ruthless as the person might be since you have always shared
something in common and you want to be with them. The narcissist takes
advantage of this moment to lure the victim over by, for example, telling the
victim there is nobody to care for his needs as everyone has deserted him
for one reason or the other. The victim gets emotional and probably moves
into the house of the narcissist to care and comfort them in every possible
way even if it is against their norms. The truth is the crisis was either
exaggerated or never existed.
6. Getting someone to test the waters
The narcissist is smart but acts like a coward by sending someone whom
you cherish and respect to contact you as they don’t want their ego bruised
by a face-to-face rejection. The narcissist gets feedback from the person he
sends to you and takes advantage of this to make you cave in.
7. Apologizing repeatedly
The narcissist assures the victim they will never be foolish again and
repeatedly apologizes for every mistake, but the change is just for a moment
as he cannot change. The apology is not a genuine one as they only want to
appeal to your emotions and suck you till you are empty and worthless.
Narcissists are players and can talk to suck you in and keep you in their
fold. It is expedient you know they only care about what they will get from
you and not about you.
 Chapter 7: The Gaslighting Trick
G aslighting is a kind of abuse where a partner attempts to get his/her
partner to believe he/she is “crazy” as a way of dominating him/her.
The word “gaslighting” originated from a 1938 play, “Gaslight”, in which a
husband begins to gradually make his wife crazy by making the gaslight in
the house dim at random times and denying anything ever happened. His
wife begins to doubt her own experiences, and shortly, she doesn’t know
what to believe again.
Gaslighting is an abusive tactic that takes the form of either environmental
verbal or emotional exploitation. Anytime gaslighting is used on anyone,
they feel frustrated because they are made to feel their senses are not
functioning properly.
Gaslighting often occurs when a narcissist consistently lies to, confuses and
misleads their lover about occurrences that have taken place. They usually
tell their partner that they didn’t hear well or cause a lot of confusion by
overreacting. It’s a way of gaining control and power over a partner by the
use of lies and deceptions which are very convincing but blatant. The
narcissist is so bold and confident that the victim is confused and starts to
feel destabilized, confused, and dependent on the narcissist. This feeling of
insecurity and incompetence makes the victim desire to always be around
the narcissist all the time. Gaslighting is a method adopted by the narcissist
to hide the abuse and lie with a goal, and it takes place in friendships, work,
family, government, amongst cult leaders, and advertising commercials.
There are several scenarios of gaslighting. If you still doubt whether you
have become a victim of gaslighting, the following examples will convince
you on the subject matter.
Relationships: Bridget has been dating Samuel for five years, and she has
always wanted to go into the movie industry, but Samuel has always been
angry at her.
He says acting in Hollywood would not allow her to spend time with him.
She feels her dream of being an actress was creating a rift between her and
her boyfriend. She decided to drop the idea because of her boyfriend, but
despite all her efforts of saving her relationship, her boyfriend still calls her
“crazy” just because she forgot to switch off the bulb in the bathroom.
Family: Frank grew up to know his father to be abusive as often his father
tells him he is a nonentity, a complete loser, bastard, and he can never
amount to anything. Frank is always unhappy and is surprised when his
friends in school talk about their father’s love, how they shower gifts on
them. One day after school, he confronted his dad, who was drinking
alcohol, about why he usually talks him down. His father tells him to stop
sleeping and face the reality of life.
Work: Jeff has been a diligent and hardworking employee. He has a new
female manager, Brenda, who he liked and he was able to complete every
task given to him by her every day. After a while, his manager begins to
send him demeaning errands, and though Jeff continues to help his boss
with these errands, his boss continues to demand more.
She begins to question the capability of Jeff, telling him to focus on his
primary duty at work. Brenda appraised Jeff and scored him low. Jeff
approached her and asked why she scored him low in the appraisal; she says
he was quite sluggish and could not work unless he was supervised. Jeff
resolved to accept to do all the chores she sends him no matter how much
work it caused and belittling it was.
HOW NARCISSISTS USE GASLIGHTING ON THE PEOPLE
THEY DATE
If you ever feel a narcissist gaslights you, then you currently have negative
emotions, and you feel anxious and depressed every time as you blame
yourself for every event that takes place. Gaslighting often occurs alongside
other kinds of abuse, for example financial, domestic violence or sexual
abuse.
Gaslighting can be so insidious, that you don’t even realize it is happening
in your relationship, and while you might be confused about what to trust,
know it is as a result of the seeds of doubt already sown in your mind.
The techniques narcissists use to gaslight the people they date may include
the following:
1. Changing the topic of the conversation
When a narcissist discovers you have a point to make in any
communication, and he does not want you to know you have a valid point,
he quickly changes the topic suddenly. He does this by diverting the course
of the conversation by asking another question or making a proclamation
usually aimed at your thoughts. For instance, you are in the car with your
toxic partner and two other people are also in the car with you and you guys
are driving to a particular place. When you feel he is missing the direction
to the area and you tell him politely “You seem to be missing the route to
our destination” you will get “No, you are wrong, do you even know how to
drive?” or “Did your dad ever have the opportunity to drive a car at all?”.
The response makes you feel terrible.
2. Discrediting you
Narcissists will discredit their victims by choosing never to believe what
they say and making them feel whatever they say is irrational. For example,
you tell your partner about how you were celebrated at work for an
excellent job you did and how you have been recommended for an increase
in salary and promotion. And then the response you get from him is “I
believe you are getting the promotion and raise because your boss has
feelings for you and he considers showering you with an increase in salary
and promotion is an excellent way to win you over as I do not see anything
exceptional about you.”
3. Wearing a mask of confidence forcefulness/fake compassion
A narcissist makes you feel you are never right and that you can never
achieve anything as a person, so you begin to doubt your abilities and
instead believe the stories of your past which the narcissist is fully aware of.
You will think the narcissist is actually compassionate about you and wants
the best for you by always letting you know you are never right and that
every decision you have ever taken has always ended up to be disastrous.
4. Twisting the facts
After making a statement in which you are sure what you said is the truth
and is correct, the narcissist twists and reframes what you said and confuses
you, so you doubt whether your statement was true or false. This is actually
done to favor them and demean you as you begin to have the feeling of
incompetence even in things you are an expert at doing as they intend to
make you feel unstable and irrational. For example, you made a statement
about the United States as the highest debtor globally, and he says it can
never be true because the dollar is still robust and the economy of the
United States is still booming.
Of course, they know the truth, but they have the motive to confuse you and
take you off balance.
5. Minimizing
Your personality is trivialized, and the gaslighter gains more control and
authority over you as you become powerless. For example, “You need not
pick offense because I said does your dad have a car, I was only joking” or
“you take things too seriously”.
Can I make it out of this “gaslighting” thing?
Do you feel you are gaslighted? It is not the end of the world, as it does not
change the fact that you are depressed or emotionally imbalanced. It's right
for you to know that you are not the first person and you would not be the
last person that would be gaslighted as several people out there are yet to
realise that they are gaslighted by a narcissist.
Ensure you listen to your intuition and if you feel there is something wrong
with your relationship and you are being gaslighted, never try to sort
everything out on your own. Instead seek help from a professional who
will be willing to help you out.
 Chapter 8: Future Faking
R eferring to a narcissist as a liar is not as important as analyzing the type
of lies he tells: Future Faking. This implies that a narcissist talks about
a collective future to get what they want immediately. They employ Future
Faking as a tool to manage the emotions and expectations of victims.
Let us look at another story here, Ken and Lucy’s story:
Ken was a charming guy; he met Lucy at the train station on a
Monday morning on his way to work.
They exchanged contacts and, they dated for some couple of
months; after that, Ken introduced Lucy to his family members.
Since Lucy had a bigger apartment compared to Ken’s apartment,
he decided to move into her flat. She pays all the bills in the house,
feeds him, buys him clothes and satisfies him sexually almost every
time.
Things stopped being a fairy tale as he stopped coming home and
started seeing another girl, whom he later moved in with.
In future faking, the victim is promised money tomorrow so there can be
money available and telling you there is no money tomorrow when you
come requesting for cash.
Future Faking involves overestimating oneself by hyping the future to get
what you desire in the present from a partner. It consists of telling your
partner what they want to hear to get their attention; there is the tendency
for us to act that way as individuals to enjoy the flattery of the reactions of
the people we tell lies to.
Often times, the narcissist forgets that they need to deliver on their promises
of things happening in the future as they are only particular about the
present situation, namely what they can obtain from the victim.
They easily avoid accountability of their promises, evading responsibility
and liability is what they do best, and you can never hold them to fulfill
their pledges as all you will find is denial, guesses or another charm nasty in
which you have retreated on on the basis of additional future faking.
Narcissists test the waters with their offensive charm, and once their victim
responds positively to their appeal and condones their attitude with having
few boundaries, they see an opportunity for confirmation that the victim is
expectant of something real.
Some people never fall victim of the antics of the narcissist whenever they
use the future faking to suck supply from them. But a narcisst who has
allowed their victim to meet their family members, friends, workers, talks
about his emotions, talks about the future and how their wedding will be,
how their holiday will be spent and how many babies they will have will be
a dangerous person.
People with integrity will never lie to a person just to win them over and
suck supply out of them as they are truthful and value integrity.
The narcissist usually breaks every promise periodically, and they follow it
up with another sign. The continuous promises broken of course insinuate a
promised future, and anytime they are broken, it hurts the victim. The
narcissist is in the habit of coming with the kind of future you have in mind,
and this is worse than lying to anyone. When the future does not appear
favorable, and it is effortless to ignore the lack of honesty and blame
oneself.

Examples of Future Faking

1. I am aware we’ve not been together long, but we should get married.
2. Obviously, I will go and see somebody for some assistance; I want to
do the appropriate thing for us.
3. I will compensate you.
4. I will, on no account, hurt you.
5. I will, on no account, hurt you another time.
6. I will buy tickets for that event for the two of us, no problem at all.
7. I can’t wait to take you on vacation to somewhere extraordinary.
8. I will get it across to you next week.
9. I promise I will give you a call you tomorrow.
10. I won’t tell anyone about what happened.
11. We both have a great future together.
12. I see us aging together and having great kids.
13. I cannot wait for us to start our family.
14. If we go into business together, it makes sense.
15. I will ensure I help you when you have a new job.
16. We need to make plans to travel around the world in our private jet
alone.
17. Let us buy our house, move in and live together.
18. I will always be available anytime you need me.
19. Let’s start making wedding plans.
20. I will buy you a brand new car for your birthday gift.

HOW NARCISSISTS USE FUTURE FAKING IN THEIR

RELATIONSHIPS
Here are some of the ways that a narcissist will use future-faking to keep
the victims in their fold for consistent sucking of supply:
1. Future-faking throughout the love-bombing stage
A narcissist makes his lover feel he wants the same things that she does in
life. This is referred to as soulmate effect. Example: “Oh my God, you are a
Chelsea fan too! Look, they’re playing Barcelona next week at Camp Nou.
I’ll get two tickets for us, we have a date already!” or “The very first time I
saw you at the train station, I just knew we were meant for each other
because we bonded so easily.”
2. Future-faking as a hoovering method
After the narcissist has got what he wants and has had enough, he stops
contacting you. He is aware he can always lure you back with ease anytime
with little things he knows excites you. Future-faking is his back-up plan in
his bag of hoovering antics. Example “Feel my heartbeat. Can’t you see
how much I love and admire you? I want to live with you, grow old
together, and die together.”
3. Future-faking to end a fight
During the middle of a disagreement, the narcissist feels he has lost control;
he will immediately throw out some future-fakery to make you give up
control. Example: “It’s okay, look, let’s just stop this nonsense and get
married and have kids?”
4. Future-faking as part of the conversation.
Narcissists enjoy being heard during every conversation and consequently
will lie about the future just to ensure the conversation keep going.
Example: “Hey, I’ve thought that with your expertise, you can help me start
my business. What is your take? Do you see us doing it together?”
Dealing with Future Fakers
You see two people in love, and there is future fakery between them, and so
you ask yourself, are they having fun? The truth is it prevents the victim
from ever trusting anyone again and makes them feel conned and
humiliated.
Being future faked means some people become very pessimistic about
relationships and dating. It has helped them become stronger emotionally,
intellectually, and given them physical and mental boundaries about who
they were and what they wanted. It made them knowledgeable and
enlightened, and they were not swept away by a narcissist.
If you’re serious about dating a guy for marriage, you must differentiate
future faking from sincere intentions. The best way to do this is to avoid
future pretending yourself: running for your dear life and disregarding your
boundaries, sincere intentions, and desires for instantaneous pleasure. Yes,
it might mean fewer guys will be coming to you, but by changing what
you’re interested in, you’re also becoming accessible to people of like
minds who desire genuine love and relationships.
 Chapter 9: Flying Monkeys
D espite the hurt and frustration the victims of narcissists have to deal
with just because they are in love with the narcissist, several of the
victims see themselves as stranded and lonely because they have turned
everyone away. There are some other folks whose job is to add more insult
to the injury, and they are messengers for the narcissists.
These guys are called the “flying monkeys” and their job is to take side
with the narcissist and ensure that the victim is damaged totally. They are
the wicked associates of the narcissist, and they ensure that the victim of the
narcissist is tormented even after breaking communication with the abuser.
The kindness and sympathy of the flying monkeys is what makes them easy
for the narcissist to control. They cry a lot and make the victim feel that
everything that ever happened was caused by the victim and they have a
mission just to win you over because they are aware you don’t know their
tactics. If they ever convince you and you agree to their gimmicks after
thinking you had escaped the tyranny of the narcissist, then it might not be
over yet as the flying monkeys will bring destruction into your life and
make you miserable.
Flying monkeys are referred to as enablers of the narcissists, and they could
be friends, family members, religious leaders, and counselors. It is
disheartening knowing that your friend, pastor, or family member is a flying
monkey. But this is not a new thing as human beings cannot be trusted, and
are only mere mortals.
Narcissists take advantage of the relationship you have with these flying
monkeys to manipulate and cast these people against you. Often times the
flying monkeys are just doing what they do, and they don’t realize it as they
actually just believe in fulfilling the dream of the narcissist and making sure
they are happy. They act on behalf of the abuser as a third party, for an
abusive purpose usually.
You need to be on the alert as reasonable, logical, and sensible friends can
be turned into sycophants easily, ready to do whatever the narcissist wants
them to do. The reasons why a person might decide to be a flying monkey
could be numerous, as they may be made to take a one-sided perspective.
Members of their family could be on a mission to help a troublesome
relative. The mutually dependent would want to keep enjoying the influence
of the narcissist for their own hostile instincts and others may have been
influenced by the personality of the narcissist to define the circumstance
along the narcissist's personal lines.
John and Mary dated for three years and John often beat Mary in
the relationship and cheated on her serially. The worst case of his
cheating was when he was caught in bed with Mary’s best friend.
The last time he beat her, she was rushed to the hospital, and she
was admitted for a week.
She knows the relationship is toxic, but she cannot leave John as
she says he is her first love and the only guy that understands her.
She told John she was going to quit the relationship if he does not
change his attitude towards her and stop his serial cheating. They
both opt to see a counselor and John’s uncle. After narrating
everything to the counselor, he said no relationship is perfect and
that Mary should try to be patient with John because he was going
to change as he was only exhibiting the traits of a young adult.
Mary was confused after talking with the counselor, but she was
more devastated when John’s uncle affirmed that any man who
sleeps with just one woman isn’t strong. He said it can lead to
malfunctioning of his hormones if he doesn’t taste other ladies out
there. He went further to say that abusing Mary is also a sign that
John would be able to defend his home well if any issue of security
ever happens.
The counselor and John’s uncle are examples of flying monkeys.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A FLYING MONKEY
It is terrible how people can be manipulated for several years and abused by
the narcissist using the flying monkeys. The following are ways to go out of
the domain of the flying monkey and be free.
1. Embrace integrity.
Be committed to the truth every day, so they do not have anything to use
against you to blackmail you. Ensure that you are calm always and do not
freak out even when there is any disagreement between you and the
narcissist, most notably in public places as the narcissist loves to provoke
you in the presence of a vast crowd, workplace, or family function when
you are with someone who respects you. They will usually try to make you
feel like the crazy and challenging person as they will try to use it against
you.
2. Opt-out of the relationship.
Ensure there is no more communication between you and the narcissist,
block them on every social media channel, on your phone and if they call
you, hang up the phone on them and never allow them to say any word to
you as they plan to appeal to your emotions and suck supply from you.
Also, ensure that you don’t communicate with their flying monkeys as the
flying monkeys will be used to seduce you back into their fold.
3. Never try to convince them of the truth.
You will never be liberated by believing the narcissist. A naïve victim may
try to convince the narcissist to change their attitude because they really do
have affection for them and do not want to lose them. The narcissist is
never interested in being the right person and does not like the truth, so
telling them the truth is a waste of time.
There are times when the flying monkey is a sister, colleague, or roommate,
and you can not entirely break off from them. The best method is to avoid
sharing relevant information with them as any information shared with
them will be shared with the narcissist.
4. And finally, when feasible, go away.
If your next-door neighbor is a flying monkey, and you stay in a small
neighborhood, move away from there. For example, if it’s in your
immediate environment like where you work, you can manage it for some
time. You can find out how to create better boundaries, how to put and
insist on limits, how to respond instead of reacting, but that’s a quick way
out. The best option will be to look for a new job, so you don’t keep getting
drained of energy seeing sycophants every morning who only want the
worst to happen to you.’
HOW CAN YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE BEING USED AS A
FLYING MONKEY?
1. You become so emotional about the narcissist, even when others says the
narcissist did something wrong, you are never patient to hear them and
verify if what they said is true or false.
2. You decide to carry the burdens and challenges of the narcissist; you
invest your time, money, and resources just for the narcissist to be
comfortable and satisfied.
HOW DO YOU AVOID BEING USED AS A FLYING MONKEY?
It’s crazy when you discover that a narcissist uses you just to achieve his
own personal interest and he has a plan to destroy you someday and
abandon you. The narcissist usually takes advantage of people and will
never be sorry for their actions. Should you discover that you have been
used as a flying monkey and you want to stop being used, you need to
consider the following:
1. Never take sides until the truth about any issue has been revealed in any
circumstance that involves a narcissist.
2. Critically think about whatever an abuser tells you and never jump to
any conclusion. Observe their attitudes and compare them with what they
told you.
3. Ask yourself if the story spun by the narcissist about the victim realistic
or is the narcissist just trying to paint the victim as terrible and crazy?
4. Be frank in what you do, mind your business, and don't give room for
being used as a tool for a narcissist; remember an idle hand is the devil's
workshop. A narcissist will always seek an inactive person to use for his
next escapade.
 Dating
The Narcissist
 Chapter 10: Do You Want to Know Why You are
Dating a Narcissist?
T here exist so many perspectives on why people are so attracted to this
kind of person. There are different views from different schools of
thoughts that guys who had mommy issues tend to demand a lot of attention
from women, and that also applies to ladies who had daddy issues directly
or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly, and we are all looking for some
kind of balance in our lives. What do I mean by this?
For example, you know someone who is always being abused in a
relationship or worse, and you keep advising as a friend that individual to
break up the relationship, but they keep refusing. It sometimes isn’t really
their fault.
There are some psychological issues attached to that act of abuse on the part
of the victims. Try to look back into their past, and check the kind of people
they have been in a relationship with.
In this chapter, we will aim to understand some of the reasons why we often
find ourselves in relationships with egocentric, selfish, and self-loving
partners—the narcissist.
Before we get into the real deal, we have to establish some facts, and you
might have come across some of these facts. Sit back and relax!
Let's establish who a narcissist is again
Let's just lay out the facts. A narcissist is someone who has extreme love for
himself. He tends to act superior, bossy, successful, and proud.
Narcissists like to be in control of everything around them. They have this
idea that the world they live in is imperfect. So they want to make it perfect
by bossing everybody around.
They seek power to be in total control, so if they are in some way deprived
of that power, they might get aggressive or abusive.
Also, as a narcissist likes to be in control, they never want to be responsible
for the outcome. They like people to do what they have in their mind but
aren't interested in or are never accountable for the consequences. In
simpler words, they are selfish. I am sure you work with one narcissist in
your company such that he never agrees with anyone's idea because to him,
his opinion is the best. They also tend to have no boundaries at all. They
believe that they own everything, and that everything should be done their
way.
They get really annoyed or angry anytime someone says no to them. Some
people feel they are acting all confident, but that’s not it. They will find a
means to get that thing they want via cajoling, bargaining, persistence, and
demanding to the extent of stealing or taking it by force.
Now that we have successfully established who a narcissist is, we can dive
right into the reasons why you are dating a narcissist. However, there are
other qualities of a narcissist that might not be mentioned. We would do
well to check the internet for more. The main emphasis of this chapter is to
lay out the reasons why you are currently in a relationship with a narcissist.
There are a lot of explanations for the reasons why you are currently dating
someone. It could be because that particular person was always there for
you when no one else was. It could be because the person took care of you
when you had nothing going. Maybe the person helped you figure life out
or helped you with your challenges. There are many other reasons but the
reasons why you are currently dating or always dating a narcissist includes
the following:
Sexual Attraction
“Not everything that glitters is gold.” Sometimes, something terrible
for you might just look all good on the outside. When you find yourself
intensely sexually attracted to a man or woman, it might take a while before
you realize you are with them because of the intense sexual attraction.
That strong sexual attraction for the narcissist has blinded you from seeing
the truth.
Seduction
Another thing is that a narcissist is a very skilled type of con-artist. They
can manipulate to hook you in. They may be quite a charmer and very
seductive.
Some can be great listeners and ethical company that you’d enjoy. They
may seduce with their sweet talks, abject attention, and flattery. They are
usually self-accomplished, wealthy, powerful, and talented.
All this is enough to impress you and distract you from who they really are.
Familiarity
When a person is abused when very young, in most cases, before they enter
the teenage years, there are two ways in which the event affects the
individual psychologically.
Either the individual accepts it as something healthy or rejects that action as
wrong.
For instance, a young girl who was raped by her uncle when she was just
seven years old
She either takes it as a regular thing and starts sleeping with men while
growing up or hates men and sees sex as bad generally. This logic also
applies here.
Probably you’ve had a narcissistic parent, and you feel that getting treated
that way is a regular thing and there is nothing wrong with it.
This might be a cogent reason why you are in a relationship with a
narcissist.
You might have grown to feel that your feelings don't matter, and this
makes you really blind when you are poorly treated. Don’t blame yourself
for that.
Vulnerability
The last and most important reason is vulnerability.
There is an example of a little girl who was always bullied when she was in
high school.
Even though she was very bright, she wasn't critical to people, both her
teachers and peers. She felt tossed around and eventually after trying to
stand up for her self one day she got so severely beaten that she almost
ended up losing her legs.
So she made a promise to herself that she would excel at her studies, and
one day become a boss. She ended up becoming a jerk of a boss.
This is kind of like what we’re talking about here.
What was your childhood like? How horrible was it?
A relationship with a narcissist always follows three stages: Idealization,
Devaluation, and The Discard Stage.
IDEALIZATION STAGE
A narcissist firstly searches for the target and makes them feel so important.
The victims are usually beautiful, intelligent, maybe luxurious or classy.
They typically have something great as a means to boost the narcissist’s ego
and status. They give all the attention they seek, such that the victim has the
idea of them as perfect. The victim starts to feel like they are soulmates. I
call this stage the fake stage. It usually takes a couple of months. Long
enough to get the victim hooked on love and affection. Little do they know
what is coming next.
DEVALUATION STAGE
In this stage, the narcissist just switches. They withdraw all the attention
they have been giving you and become really silent. No calls or texts for
weeks. They only gradually disappear and act all busy. They tend to be
aggressive when you question their behavior. They could even blame you
for it. They started becoming annoyed with you. You begin to wonder what
you did. What happened was that he doesn’t need you again.
DISCARD STAGE
Most narcissistic individuals end up leaving their partners wondering what
they did wrong. They just hop up and leave their partner in an emotional
mess. The victims begin to ask themselves several questions like: What did
I do wrong? Was I the cause of the breakup?
 Chapter 11: An Important Question - Am I Dating
a Narcissist?
T his is one of the most critical questions in a relationship. Along with
questions like, “Am I dating the right person?” and “Am I
comfortable in my relationship?” and many other issues.
It is imperative to stay happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally,
in any relationship. There are stories of different people coming from a bad
relationship with psychological breakdown. Yes, it is true. This is why the
question “Am I dating a Narcissist?” is essential and paramount because
being in a relationship with a narcissist is a terrible choice.
It might be your worst choice in life. This is another scenario for you. You
know when someone is appropriately dressed, walking tall on the street and
happy with himself. People keep staring at him, and he thinks they probably
think of him as handsome. Suddenly, a beautiful young lady walks up to
him and tells him he has dog poop on the back of his shirt. Suddenly, his
countenance will change, realizing why those people had been staring at
him like that. This is like what this chapter is going to do.
It is going to enlighten you, shedding more light on who you are dating.
Sometimes, you might not see something until it’s too late. The association
is one of the most delicate topics, and it’d be unfortunate to joke about it
because it could affect all other aspects of your life.
Here, we are going to list out the common signs on how to identify a
narcissist. It is high time, and we avoided those who're out to disrupt our
peace. After several years of reading and studying several psychology
materials on personality disorder, psychologists have gained a lot of insight
into who a narcissistic individual is and how to identify them. There are
some aspects of their behavior that is complicated and hard to understand.
In a lazy man's tone, it is just weird. Do you want to know a little definition
for narcissists? They are silent killers or slow poison. They gradually
kill you little by little without you realizing the damage they’ve done to
you.
Some people might be thinking a narcissistic individual is psychologically
disturbed. No, not really! You won’t see them on the streets, homeless, in
rags, or begging. They are always well-to-do and self-accomplished. It’s
hard to tell if they are a narcissist or not. These few commons signs would
help you know if you are currently in a relationship with a narcissist or not.
If after reading through this chapter you notice you are in a relationship
with one, please pack your bags and run for your life. Don’t try to change
them because it may be complicated. Note that some individuals may have
one of these signs listed below, but it doesn’t mean they are narcissists.
Please read carefully and digest properly.

ELEVEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A

NARCISSIST
In chapter one, we talked a little about the common signs to look out for in
your partner. Here we are going to be shedding more light on that aspect. It
is left for you to make the decision and take the necessary steps if you are a
victim. If you are not, try as much as possible to avoid them. Run, if
possible.
1 VERY CHARMING AND PERSUASIVE AT FIRST
You meet this very handsome and rich guy. He treats you very specially,
says very loving things to you and makes you feel good about yourself.
That’s how a narcissist gets their prey. He’s quite the catch in the beginning.
You almost could say in the first two to three months that he’s your
soulmate or heaven-sent angel. Suddenly all that stops, and you feel distant
and unloved. According to great psychologists, narcissists are very skilled
in love bombing their victims for some time. They are what we call, “too
good to be true” kind of people. They seem like better lovers than those
who actually love you when it comes to gifting, calling, texting,
infatuations, and sweet-talking. In my two-years relationship with a
narcissist, at first, he was so charming and sweet. My parents knew him
quite well to the extent my dad took him as his son. They go out on
weekends at times to fish. All this happened only at the beginning of the
relationship.
2 SELF-CENTEREDNESS
After the first lovey-dovey stage they feel you are hooked on love. They
start to showcase their true self. This is one of the primary attributes, and
you then you see self-centeredness. They act selfish. They think of only
themselves. They don't say, "oh! I went by the grocery store, and I got you
this or that.” No, they only care about themselves and not you. On the
outside, while anyone that matter is watching, they are very attentive and
supportive, but when it is just you, they switch. So when you complain to
your friends, they'll think you're crazy to the extent that you think you're
insane too.
3 PERFECTIONIST
A narcissist never goes for people who are not accomplished in one way.
They don't choose mediocrely; they actually study their victims before
going after them. You've to be something before they can approach you:
beautiful, a sport or music star, a successful businesswoman, and the list
continues. It is always something that would boost their ego or social status.
So, while in a relationship with a narcissist, the focus is not on the growth
of the relationship. The focus of a narcissist is on their outward image.
What people think of them as a power/perfect couple. This is because they
like to protect their public image.
4 BOSSY
When you first started dating, they loved every damn thing about you. Your
love for rap music, funny reality TV shows, country music, partying, and
other things. I mean everything. It seemed like he was the perfect guy for
you. Suddenly, they begin to boss you around. They suddenly want you to
start living the way they want. They believe if you are not doing things the
way they want, you’re wrong. You begin to wonder whether you were the
one who caused their change or if they have some other lady on the side.
5 THE NEVER-WRONG ATTITUDE
It is somewhat impossible to argue with a narcissist. After a while of
arguing, you may get confused. This is because they are under the
impression that they are never wrong. They are always right. That opinion
of theirs is the best and only option for you. So arguing with them on a
matter is impossible.
6 LACK OF EMPATHY
Now, this part is the saddest. It is quite different from when you see a sad
movie, and you don’t cry. It is way different from that. A narcissist isn’t
capable of empathizing with others or you as his partner. He simply doesn’t
care. All the cares they showered on you at the beginning of the relationship
were fake and timely. Don’t try to change them because they cannot change.
Just opt out!
7 - LASHING OUT
When they notice you might leave them, they begin to become sweet again.
Of course, they don’t want you to leave them. When they get the feeling
that you are beginning to do without them, they may get angry and lash out
at you. They start to blame you for pulling away from them emotionally,
bringing on one excuse or the other. They may lie if necessary.

8 THEY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF

After the first stage of love bombing their partner, a narcissist switches their
behavior and starts to make you feel like a wrong person. All the things he
was okay with before, he suddenly hates, and now, you are the bad person.
Maybe he used to be cool with you buying Chinese when you are too tired
to cook. Suddenly, he hates fast food and accuses you of starving him
always.
9 COMPLIMENTS
They love compliments from others. It feeds their ego. When you
continuously compliment them as a sweet partner, they love it.
10 NO TRUE FRIENDS
Narcissists never have real friends. They have colleagues all around,
business partners and acquaintances. They actually choose their cliques
based on their needs. They don’t actually keep real friends. So, when you
go out with your friends, they tend to get angry and feel left out. They start
to criticize you for the kinds of friends you’re hanging out with.
11 YOU FEEL LIKE A THING
At a point in the relationship with a narcissist, you suddenly get a feeling
you are being used. He just gets what he wants: sex, food, and so on. You
are neglecting your own needs. He doesn’t even compliment you again, like
how beautiful you’re, how successful you are becoming, and so on.
I sincerely hope you are not dating a narcissist because it’s a toxic
relationship. With all these signs written above, you can see that dating a
narcissist is not a good thing in any way. They don’t actually think they are
doing anything wrong so it may be impossible to save them. It’s best to look
out for yourself and find a way out. Well, stay sharp and follow this section
of the book carefully as I would also be providing you insights on how you
can do that.
 Chapter 12: The Signs that You are Dating a
Narcissist
S ince the beginning of this part of the book, how to recognize a narcissist
has been emphasized, so that with all this information, you can avoid
falling victim. Another reason is to help you realize if you are already
caught up in their nest. In shorter words, a victim.
In the previous chapters, we talked about who a narcissist is. From there,
you caught a glimpse of or had an idea of who they are. We then went
ahead to elaborate a little on the few common signs that will help you
recognize a narcissist.
In this chapter, we want to talk exclusively on the symptoms you see when
or if you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
Firstly, a narcissist undoubtedly needs you to supply their needs. They don't
want to love you for who you are. They only wish to use you for their
selfish reasons.
They need you to do some things for them. The funniest thing is that you
can never understand this unless you are an expert on dealing with a
narcissist or have knowledge of their existence.
If you are ignorant about them, you'll keep blaming yourself for what isn't
your fault. Throughout the time of dating a narcissist, you will have no idea
what they are doing to you.
You might have a good job and be independent until the narcissist comes
along. At first, you might perceive them as ambitious, caring, charming,
always there for you at the right time and attractive, to say the least. You’d
never know that you are falling into a bottomless hole.
As the days roll by, your love for them will only grow stronger, and for the
first few weeks, you would feel great until "the war" begins.
This chapter’s primary emphasis is on two things. The first thing is to help
those who have no experience dating and are about to enter a relationship to
recognize that some relationships are bad for them.
You need to look at these signs and check the person you want to date. This
will save you a lot of stress, both physically and emotionally.
The second thing is to help people who are currently in a relationship to
recognize whether their partner is a narcissist or not.
Take a look at another scenario, a little girl, let's say six-years-old, always
receives letters from her dad every year on her birthday.
Anytime she asks of her dad from her mom, her mom would tell her, he was
working in another state and that he was swamped. She actually believed
what her mom said. She didn't know her mom didn't know her dad. She was
just trying to protect her from the truth. When she got to see this, she didn't
fall for that lie again. That's what ignorance does to you: it keeps you
locked up in a cage, but when you know the truth, you are free.
Before the signs are explained, you must be clear of the fact that a narcissist
has no idea they are doing anything. They feel just okay, like how you think
about yourself.
So, they don't think anything is wrong with them, and they certainly won’t
consider seeing a psychiatrist.
Let’s dive in!
A narcissist thinks the world revolves around them. It is all about what they
want, or need, not a collective want or need.
For example, a narcissistic man may wish his partner to stay at home as his
housewife, even though he knows she is a successful businesswoman. He
just wants to have his way, also though it may be irrational at times.
The woman may try to please him by staying at home and forsaking her
years of labor and hard work, not knowing that he was acting based on his
selfish reasons. He thinks his opinions should be the only option in the
relationship. He may tell the woman she should not associate with friends
of hers again, even childhood friends.
When the woman refuses, he may pull some stunts to the extent of asking
her to choose between him and her friends and ignorantly, the woman might
dismiss her friends.
The most dangerous thing about a narcissistic man is that they are what
ladies are dying to get. They are charismatic, fun to be around, rich,
handsome, naturally fit, maybe famous and so on.
They are better than those who genuinely love you and want you for good.
This is the worst! They are even better at wooing because they have better
resources than the other guy who genuinely loves you.
The essence of what’s here is that if you were to choose between a
narcissist and a guy who truly loves you, you'd select the narcissist. They
are the "too-good-to-be-true" kind of boyfriends.
You know when you are about to kill a chicken, you feed it well with good
food and water. This is kind of like how a narcissistic relationship looks.
Note that all these kind gestures and over-loving behaviors are to deceive
you. That's not really who they are. At first, they want the things you want
out of life; you seem to have the same likes and beliefs. You are delighted
that finally, you found your perfect match. After a few months or a year into
the relationship, they switch into a total jerk such that you begin to wonder.
They turn into an absolute monster. They start to treat you like trash,
disrespect you, embarrass you, be mean to you and are also very harsh. It's
not your fault, it's just their nature.
A narcissist isn't accountable for anything. They are cunning and
manipulative. For instance, maybe you brought something to their attention.
They disprove that idea outright and tell you what to do until you agree
with them, and when the negative consequences of their opinions show up,
they deny it and find a way to blame you for it.
That's just crazy, right? How could this be possible? But it's genuine. If you
can relate to what has been said so far, say enough is enough. You need to
be free of this emotional disturbance you call a relationship.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you always feel like you
need to check your behavior every blessed day. They find a way to reduce
your self-esteem such that you depend on them for anything. Remember,
you no longer hang out with your best friends. They did that! They turned
your back to them. So, you have no one to turn to for advice. You only have
the narcissist.
That's who a narcissist is. They isolate you from anybody who can
influence you positively. They make you feel dependent in a way that you
think you are lucky to have them in your life.
Another example for the women: maybe you tell him that you don't
appreciate the way he flirts with other women. He would say to you that
you are the reason why he does that. That you never have time for him, as
you are always hanging out with your work colleagues. He could also tell
you that you are never satisfied with anything he does. That you are the
reason why your previous relationships ended up in a mess.
You tend to destroy everything with your silly emotions. In one way, he
reduces your esteem; he makes you feel guilty. I don't think any woman
deserves to go through all this at all. Another way you know a narcissist is
that they treat you like they detest you, but at the same time they treat you
like they need you a lot. Funny, right?
They disrespect you, embarrasses you, treat you harshly, but at the same
time, they don't want you to leave. That's a narcissist! It is not because they
love you.
They don't love you or want to treat you right, but they don't want any other
person to treat you right either.
You might even plead for them to change, as you cry or feel sad, you are
continually feeding their narcissistic supply, so they wouldn't want you to
leave.
As soon as you decide to leave them, they can do anything to get you back.
They may use guilt, fear, your parents, they may buy you beautiful things or
show glitches of what it was initially at the beginning of the relationship.
They'll try their very best to be persuasive just to get you back.
The only way they will leave you is when they find another person just like
you that can replace you. When they find someone else to replace you, they
discard you.
Every man and woman needs to know these signs we have been talking
about. When they see, they start to see things differently. They know what
to avoid and what to take in.
If you are already a victim, don’t panic, this book is adequately packaged
for you. Stay calm as we carefully walk you down a path to healing from a
narcissist.
 Chapter 13: Narcissistic Date Vs. Healthy Date
W e all know how dating goes. Two people meet somehow, it could be
on social media, at a bar or on a dating site. They go on several dates,
have fun, have sex or not, and eventually, some chose to commit to serious
relationships while others just go their separate ways. Dating is not really a
biggie. What’s dangerous about dating is that most times, you meet a
complete stranger who you don’t know the background of and start to fall in
love. As scary as that may sound, on a brighter side, a lot of people have
met their soulmates via the same process. That kind of puts our minds at
rest.
We've been talking a lot about narcissists since the beginning of this book,
and in this chapter, we are going to differentiate between a regular healthy
date and a narcissistic date. Trust me, there is always a difference. If you
aren't familiar with narcissists, you may not be able to spot the differences.
With this chapter, you will be able to know the difference between them.
A date is meant for two people to get to know each other accurately. It
either ends well or not. There is always a conversation between the two
parties where they get to talk about several issues.
You will probably never have been on any date where there was no
conversation. That’s probably weird. If you ever go on a date with someone
that doesn’t want to talk at all, you should run. Maybe they are a serial
killer or something! On a more serious note, there is always a conversation
where you get to decide whether he’s charming or she’s sweet or something
terrible.
During a date with a narcissist, you’ll notice that all attention is focused on
him/her. Instead of a conversation, you have a monologue in which only
one person talks. Dates can be terrible at times, but this is the worst kind.
A healthy date will involve a lovely conversation between the two parties.
The funny thing about this is that most people will fall for a narcissist
because of the beautiful things they say about themselves. They might start
by talking about their previous relationships, how crazy they were, then to
how successful they are presently, and so on.
During a date with a narcissist, whenever you raise any topic, they will find
a way to make the topic about themselves. They are always on about
themselves without having any regard for the other person. Most people
will overlook this because the narcissist seems funny and charismatic.
A reasonable healthy date involves both parties talking about their past. It
may be weird, sad, or funny, which makes it interesting. There is some kind
of sharing in a healthy date.
However, a narcissistic date involves the narcissist, instead of sharing,
lectures the other party about their own life alone, totally neglecting the
other person. At the end of every date, no matter how charming a person
might seem, try as much as possible to think over the date.
On a regular date, the two parties try to impress each other. They try to be
on their best behavior just to make sure everything was perfect
Narcissists are egocentric individuals. They may complain about the waiter
not carrying out their job adequately, give them a reduced tip, or try to
make a scene, drawing all the attention to themselves. They never seem to
agree with anyone, and they believe that they should be the only option.
Some ladies may find this sexy; that's why they fall victim to narcissists.
This may not be the best way to differentiate a narcissistic date from a
healthy date. Some men may act like this, but they may not be narcissists.
They are just impatient individuals who have no time for nonsense.
A healthy date might entail one or other person making a reservation for
two at a good restaurant where they sit and enjoy themselves. On the other
hand, there is a narcissistic date. The date may start with the narcissist
quarreling with the manager of the restaurant on their seating arrangement.
Don’t forget that narcissists are usually self-accomplished and successful
individuals. So money may not be their problem. They may demand you sit
in another location because they don’t like where they are seated.
During a date with a narcissistic individual, they might start to complain a
lot about their present condition, career and job, and life in general.
You know when on a date, you might get a call or need to reply to a
message from a colleague or someone important to you. If you are on a
healthy date, a partner may not mind as long as you give an excuse.
A narcissist won't allow that one because they want all the attention to be
focused on them. They are probably talking about themselves, and don't
want your attention to be distracted. So any slight distraction may get them
annoyed.
Let’s just assume that the dates we’ve been talking about went beyond only
mere dates and led to something serious like a relationship.
Dating a narcissist can be really demanding. In a good and healthy
relationship, both parties have their roles to play. It is more or less like a
joint agreement between two people. They both have a say in the
relationship. They do things together, go on outings together, do romantic
stuff and all other sorts of things.
A narcissistic relationship, on the other hand, is quite different from that. In
a narcissistic relationship, only one person’s opinion matters. A narcissist is
usually very manipulative, so it is almost impossible to win an argument
with them. They bend your decision to what they want.
Maybe you are thinking of buying new clothing material for a program, for
example. Let’s say the color of the material is red. They can tell you to buy
blue because blue goes with the car they are taking to the occasion.
In such a scenario, they actually know that red is one of your favorite
colors, but they will find a way to manipulate you into choosing blue.
A normal healthy relationship usually entails the two lovers always
expressing their emotions through calls, texts, romantic getaways, and
several outings with friends. A narcissistic relationship is entirely different
from that.
It starts with a powerful connection between the so-called lovers, and
suddenly, there is a withdrawal by the narcissist.
They no longer call or text. They act like they were swamped at work; that’s
why they didn’t call or text you. After a while, you begin to feel alone most
of the time such that you will be the one calling and texting them. At this
point, you feel very dependent on them.
When you finally gather the courage to talk to them about what you
noticed, they blame you for it, and you begin to feel sad and ask for their
forgiveness.
You see how difficult it is for someone to date a narcissist. You end up
being messed up emotionally. They don’t want to know your friends talk
less about going out with them. However, you must know their colleagues
at work or whoever they hang with.
Before dating anyone make sure you double-check all these things we’ve
been talking about. It is paramount to be able to spot a toxic relationship
before it even starts. That’s one of the reasons why this book exists: to make
sure people don’t suffer from these narcissistic individuals again.
Note that healthy relationships are built on trust and equal respect for one
another, not the other way round. In a healthy relationship, there are times
where you show empathy as a sign of love. There are times where you
make compromises and so on. A narcissistic relationship is void of all
these. It’s mainly about one person, the narcissist. Everyone deserves to be
respected.
If you ever find yourself in any relationship where you don't feel
comfortable it is advisable to exit ASAP. This brings us to our next chapter,
where we will discuss the things a narcissist will say to get you back when
you eventually decide to leave them.
I hope you are learning.
 Chapter 14: Six Sneaky Things Narcissists Do to
Get You Back
W e have learned a lot about how to recognize a narcissist; the signs you
will notice while on a date with a narcissist; how they will first make
you feel good in the first few months and then start to maltreat you
afterwards.
We have also learned that narcissists are con artists and are fraudulent in
behavior. What do I mean by this? What I mean is that they act like a
person they are not at the beginning of the relationship and switch up at
some point in the relationship.
In this chapter, we are going to learn something different. Many people
have been in relationships with a narcissist without an idea that they are
actually being abused.
Like it was stated earlier, that narcissists are like con artists, they are
cunning and very persuasive when they need something.
No matter how the victims try to leave the relationship, they always find
ways to suck them back. A narcissist will mistreat you, neglect you and do
all sorts of horrible things, but the moment you decide to leave they
suddenly become remorseful and apologetic.
This is one of the most dangerous parts of a narcissistic relationship. You
may think they have repented and will change for the better, but they will
not.
Learning to recognize them is not enough to avoid them. You have to know
their tricks as well. When you are familiar with all the methods of a con
artist, he can no longer blackmail you with anything.
After a series of bad treatment and abuse in a narcissistic relationship, the
victim decides to leave. This is when the narcissists will start to behave well
and sweet again. Don’t fall for it! It is just a scheme to make you stay in the
relationship. It is called “hoovering” like the vacuum cleaner.
They are not trying to get you back into the relationship because they want
to treat you right. They are only doing that because he wants to keep
treating you like trash.
It is a method narcissists use to keep their victims from leaving them. It is
just like when someone is deep into a cult, and they are unable to leave.
So let’s quickly dive into the seven sneaky things a narcissist will probably
do or say to keep you locked up in their cage.

1. Counseling
The first most common excuse they use is counseling. As we all know that
advice is well-known for solving relationship problems.
Every person now has a counselor who they talk to every now and then
when they encounter problems.
Try talking to someone about your relationship issue; the first thing they
would advise you to do is to go for counseling with your partner. They
might probably refer you to a counselor who has helped them at some point
or another.
When a narcissist sees that you are about to leave, they may come and say,
“Hey babe, I thought a lot about what you said last night. I am
willing to change for good because I love you and I want this to
work. I've decided to go to counseling."
When the victim hears this statement, they become happy.
2. Cheating
Whenever you catch a narcissist cheating on you, they will try to find a way
to keep you by accepting their fault and ridiculing themselves.
They may say, “Baby, I am a fool for cheating on you.”
They may later bring up some cock and bull story that will win your heart
back.
They may say something like, "I met him/her when we weren't
together, and now they don't want to leave me alone.”
They will say just about anything to make sure they get you back. Don't fall
for this! Although it's tough to leave when you're in love with a narcissist,
unfortunately.

3. Friends
When they have tried every possible thing to get you back, they may try to
be friends with you.
“Since you don't want to accept me back, can we be friends?”
They don't want to treat you right. At the same time, they don't want
anybody to make you happy either.
Narcissists generally and gradually suck the life out of you. If you have
been in a relationship with a narcissist, and they are trying to get you back
with this line avoid it and move on! You don't need them. What is crazy
about narcissists is that they are capable of hiding their real personality for a
reasonably long time. Spotting them quickly may be very hard.
So after a while of being your friend, they become charming and sweet
again to the extent that they buy you gifts and try to seduce you all over
again.
They are good actors; they can fake their emotions anytime any day, just to
deceive you.

4. “The Only One”

In most cases, women fall victims of this trick. When you eventually pack
your bags to leave his house, that's when he pulls out this trick.
Narcissists can lie with a straight face and no facial expression. Remember,
narcissistic individuals are not capable of showing empathy or love. They
only love themselves.
They only show compassion sometimes at the beginning of the relationship
and when you try to leave.
After a narcissist sees that you are in love, he starts to abuse you in all kinds
of ways.
He neglects your emotions, disrespects you, embarrasses you, and ignores
your opinion on anything. But when you decide to leave, they can say stuff
like, “you know you are the only one for me.”

5. “I’ll Make it up to you.”

You have tried everything to make the relationship work, but they kept
abusing your rights in the relationship, and now you are really upset.
You eventually decide to break up with them, and that’s when you hear
something like,
"Hey Babe, you know I love you, I promise to make it up to you."
You must be wondering how this kind of words can keep the victim in the
relationship.
People are generally empathetic, loving, and adorable beings. Once they're
in love with someone, it is not easy for them to give up on them. As long as
the abusers are persuasive and apologetic, they will accept you back.
A narcissist is highly skilled when it comes to this, just to deceive the
victim.

6. “Something Touched Me”

That moment the victim is trying to leave the narcissist, they suddenly
repent and starts to apologize and say things like,
"I think I had an encounter. Something touched me, and I realize all
I have been to you…"
As a result of the love they have, the victim will forgive them not knowing
what is coming next.
What the narcissist is trying to do is play on the victim’s emotions and
deceive them with apologies.
Deep down, the narcissist doesn't care about you.
Never think that crying or making sad faces will make a narcissist change.
They are just out to hurt vulnerable people who will fall under their spell.
Now that you have learned about the six common sneaky tricks a narcissist
can use to get you back you can now easily catch them anytime there's
need. There is more to come.
 Chapter 15: LIES

W henever Nicole thinks back to her childhood days, she smiles.

It wasn't easy to grow up the way she did. Her family wasn't
close. No family dinner or outings, just a bunch of people trying to
live each day, one at a time.
She had to go to school at the tail end of the hood. No one
influenced her because she was pretty much on her own during
elementary school. She only had her bicycle and arithmetic to think
of.
High school, of course, entails a lot of peer pressure. She couldn't
fit into any clique, not the cool kids, not the dancers, not the sports
team or the cheerleaders. She was just weird.
Unlike every other teenager, lying wasn't her thing. She didn't have
reason to lie. She didn't have to rest for going to a party because
she was never invited to one, or maybe to dances or movies
because no one asked her out.
When she finds out someone had lied to her, she felt hurt, betrayed,
and deceived, and may not be able to trust the person again.
Is lying a good or bad thing?
Well, what about the old tale about a young man?
There is a famous tale of a young man who once ran into the village and
shouted that a lion was coming and that everybody should run.
The villagers, on hearing this awful message, left their houses and started to
run into the bush only to discover it was a prank or a lie per se.
On another day, that young man came again with the same story about the
lion. Unfortunately, this time, it was true. They didn't believe him, so the
lion came and destroyed the village leaving a lot of people dead.
But that is enough of stories. They were just to lay out some facts.
It is no longer a new thing to state that narcissists are skilled liars and with
their other awful characteristics or qualities, they play their common sneaky
tricks to get you back when you decide to leave and lots more.
Narcissists are sneaky bastards with a confident look. So lying is part of
their lives.
They lie for so many reasons; at the same time, they can rest for no reason.
Since they intend to hurt you, lying is not a problem for them. If you are in
a relationship with a narcissist, you may never know if they were lying or
not. You believe them because you love them.
Sometimes, a narcissist may tell you that they are lying, to see you get hurt
or cry, and they blame you for it. They are not good people in any way.
They want to prey on your weakness and vulnerability. I've said it and will
always say, narcissists don't deserve any love from you.
However, deep down beyond all the confidence, fame, and egocentrism,
they are low-esteemed individuals. All that outward impression is just a
cover-up, but you would never know because they are highly skilled
manipulators.
Narcissists lie for a lot of reasons. They lie to keep victims hooked in the
relationship.
We’ve seen some of their lies in our previous chapter. They can lie just to
deceive you from seeing what’s going on and many other reasons like that.
Although, some may say, men lie and generally cheat whenever they are in
a relationship. Does that mean all men are narcissists? No!
Absolutely not. Firstly, not all men lie or cheat on their spouses or
girlfriends.
That's a wrong mentality to carry about. The same way there are faithful
women out there, there are also faithful men as well. You probably just fall
for the lying and cheating men because you don’t know the game.
For instance, some ladies have a soft spot for hot guys with the muscles,
abs, and all. They don't really pay attention to other important details one
should know. So they fall victim quickly.
WHY DO NARCISSISTS LIE?
Narcissists lie for a lot of reasons. They lie to get you emotionally attached
to them.
You know when you started dating, they were sweet, charming, loving, and
romantic. They send your favorite flower to your office every morning.
They appreciated you so much by telling you good things about yourself.
Sorry to tell you that, those were all lies. They were just buttering you up
with a sweet flavor that will later melt really badly.
They lie to get some kind of emotional feedback from you. Either to get you
to trust them, make you feel dependent on them, or to make you feel sad
and frustrated. Nothing good comes out of it. They also lie to ensure they
are still in control of your life. Narcissists live in a different world of their
own.
They don't believe in the saying that goes like, “together we can build”
or “united we stand.” They always want to stand on their own.
Sometimes, they lie to get the upper hand just as a means of gaining
control. At the beginning of this book, we said narcissists are never
accountable for anything. When it comes to claiming responsibility for
anything, they avoid it. Narcissists, after a long time of lying, develop such
a lying habit that they can’t do without it. They become so good at it such
that it is almost impossible to detect. As said earlier, they are manipulators.
They try to manipulate every situation in their favor.
Lying is one of the ways they use to ensure that. Sometimes, it's all a game
to them. They want to see how you will react. They like to see how it will
all play out when they fabricate a story. Trust me; when they lie, they have
the resources to back up that lie. They have everything all planned out just
to manipulate you. The most painful thing in all this is that many victims
are too blind to see this in them. That's why they fall victim.

COMMON LIES THEY TELL

1. She/he seduced me
When you catch a narcissist cheating, they never admit their faults. Instead,
they blame whoever they were cheating with.
"She seduced me,"
“He made me do it.”
“How do you expect me to react when I was seduced?”
“It wasn't my fault.”
They never like to be responsible for anything whatsoever.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight?
This lie is pervasive when they just started dating you.
They come at you with lines like this to lure you into a toxic relationship
with zero benefits. They don’t mean any of that.
Another line could be, “we have so much in common.”
3. I can never lie to you
When they utter this statement, it means everything they said earlier is a
total lie from the bottom of hell. In fact, they just deceived you blatantly.
4. I’m just checking on you
They say this very often to keep you in check to ensure they are still in
control of the relationship. They are just checking in to see if you actually
miss them or want them. They love that attention.
5. I hate cheating
When any man or woman says these three words in a relationship, start to
suspect something.
Well, if you trust your man or woman, you have no problem.
Narcissists are far different from ordinary people. They will cheat on you
and expect you not to cheat too. This is so hurtful. They are out there
getting the grove from different people, they deprive you of that affection
and make sure you don’t do what they are doing.
6. I’m now a changed man
When you suddenly decide to leave him, they come up with statements like
this. It's a lie. He's not changed at all. He just doesn't want you to leave him.
He can also utter statements like, “I hate myself for what I did.”
Being involved in a relationship with a narcissistic individual is a crazy ride
that can land you in a series of therapy sessions. The only way to solve this
is opting out. They don't deserve your compromise, love, or your affection.
They just meddle with it and spit it in your face. Regardless of what they do
to keep you hooked, IT’S NOT LOVE!.
It is merely an everyday supply of vitality that you provide for them
whether you need it or not.
 Chapter 16: Dating Tips

I n a new relationship, it is possible for your partner to show some signs of

narcissism but not to the extreme. When the flags are becoming very
strong, that is when there is a problem. However, we must understand that
some people display signs of narcissism who are happily married today. So,
it’s not entirely a bad idea to date someone who shows little signs of
narcissism.
Most especially when you both are so deep into the relationship, there are
certain tricks we can use to deal with them, but only if the connection is not
toxic or abusive.
If the relationship is toxic and abusive, then the only solution is to save
yourself.
We’ve been talking about how to recognize narcissists, the signs and
symptoms they showcase from the beginning right to the point when they
start showing their true identity.
Presently, how to recognize a narcissistic relationship is understood
correctly.
If you can’t recall correctly, you can refer back to the previous chapters.
One thing we left out is that some people might not like to leave their
partners even if they show some signs that point towards the fact that they
might be narcissists.
This is very understandable! This is not because they don’t like themselves,
but because of something more profound.
In this chapter, we are going to be discussing some dating or relationship
tips. Before we dive into the dating tips, I would like to discuss the concept
of “healthy narcissism.”
Healthy narcissists are also full of self-love, but they are not emotionally
detached like unhealthy narcissists. They have that egocentric behavior, but
they do not totally cut themselves off emotionally from their spouse or
partner.
This is to say, although they have their selfish desire, you are still relevant
to them. Let us see the common differences between healthy narcissism and
unhealthy narcissism briefly.
HEALTHY NARCISSISM VS UNHEALTHY NARCISSISM
Healthy narcissists are full of self-confidence in a rational sense. They do
not go beyond the average level of self-esteem. Let us see an excellent
example in the corporate scene, in a company’s board meeting where all the
board members gather to make some decisions on some projects.
The company’s director needs to appoint someone who would head the
projects. The healthy narcissist can get up and talk for himself, saying, 'I
believe I can head this project with all confidence.' An unhealthy
narcissist, on the other hand, may get up saying, 'I think we can all agree
that I'm the best man to head this project.’
Can you spot the difference between these two individuals? The first
individual has an egocentric attitude to a rational point while the other
individual believes he’s the only one in the company qualified to head the
project. This implies he does not care about the other candidates qualified
for that position. He portrays an unrealistic and irrational sense of
superiority.
Healthy narcissists love power. They enjoy being in charge or control of
something. The other thing they love is likeability and they will do all they
can to pursue that power. They can do unsavoury things to be in control: lie,
manipulate, and so on.
But healthy narcissists also show genuine concern for other people.
Therefore, if you are in a relationship with one, you are safe.
They never devalue other people or exploit their vulnerability.
Unhealthy narcissists only show concern when they are trying to lure you
into a relationship with them.
They do not really care about anything except themselves. When they see
you are sincerely in love, they turn into complete jerks. They disrespect you
and exploit your vulnerability without any remorse.
When you know a healthy narcissist, that is who they are. They do not
change behavior or attitude, unlike unhealthy narcissists.
Unhealthy narcissists constantly change when they get bored. They do not
have any particular pattern of living their lives. One minute they are acting
all sweet and charming, while at another time they act as if they hate you.
Now that we know that there are healthy narcissists and unhealthy
narcissists, we can easily differentiate between them.
RELATIONSHIP TIPS WHENEVER YOU FIND YOURSELF
IN A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP
The first thing to do when you feel you are in this condition is to look back
on how you got into the relationship.
Then, you can judge yourself on whether the relationship has damaged your
life or not. Maybe you were a successful person before you got into a
relationship with them, but now you are some kind of lowly person who
depends on them.
You need to get out now!
After doing this and you feel the relationship is not salvageable, here are a
few pieces of relationship advice that can help you manage.
Narcissistic Supply
There is something called 'narcissistic supply', which narcissists have.
Narcissistic supply has been mentioned earlier on.
Narcissists regularly feed on compliments and praise of others.
If you are the kind of partner who regularly feeds their egocentric attitude,
then you need to reduce it to a healthy level. It is more like giving a kid a
lot of chocolate. As you consistently give it to them, their thirst for that
thing will increase. You can also liken it to drug addiction. Yeah! That is a
great example. Retract your steps a little and stop contributing to his
narcissism. Look for a way to change that attitude of praising them for
whatever they do.
High Level of Denial
Most narcissists are always in denial about their attitude. They are never
accountable for any of their actions. They do not believe that whatever they
did is their fault. They always blame others for their wrongdoings.
Don’t be too emotional or get hurt, that’s their nature, and they will not
realize what they are doing until you point it out to them. Whenever you
notice this act, bring it to their attention. Note that they will definitely not
agree with you on anything. Therefore, you have to find a means to change
that attitude.
Emotional Check
Put your emotions in check and avoid pouring it out on them. That is
precisely what they want, so they can reduce your esteem and devalue you.
Be calm with them whenever you want to point their attention to something
they did to hurt you. For instance, maybe they are always spending too
much time away and less time with you. Know how to tell them without
giving them room to devalue you.
Seek Professional Help
This should have been the first tip because it is essential.
A professional and experienced therapist will give you ideas on how to
handle his behavior better. The same way therapists solve marital problems
in healthy relationships, he/she can check out your condition and give you
certain tricks.
You will agree with me that some individuals, although not all narcissists,
are out to hurt people. So examine them thoroughly and check for their
willingness to change.
 Chapter 17: Healing After Dating a Narcissist
T he stages a relationship with a narcissist goes through have been
discussed in the first part of this book. The narcissist identifies their
victim and goes after them. They then try to sugarcoat the relationship with
great charm and a sweet attitude for the first few months or weeks of the
relationship.
After they have discovered that you are so in love with them, their behavior
starts to change gradually. All the things you liked together suddenly
become disliked by them. They start acting like a complete jerk, drawing
away from you emotionally. Then you begin to feel sad and frustrated, and
that makes their behavior even crazier such that they disrespect and devalue
your image.
After this stage, we have the “discarding stage" where the narcissist
leaves you for no reason. Then you begin to wonder what went wrong.
Maybe you were even trying to fix what you thought was the problem, or
you think you are the problem. Well, congratulations to you! You just
survived a toxic relationship, and what’s next after the survival of such an
unhealthy relationship is healing.
We can liken this type of situation to soldiers who went to fight in a war.
They face a lot, and most of them usually suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder (PTSD).
You actually went to battle in your relationship with a narcissist. Most
times, when people come out of a narcissistic relationship, they are always
so hurt and broken to the extent of vowing never to love again.
Firstly, tell yourself that it wasn’t your fault in any way.
Refrain from blaming yourself.
After you have done that correctly, we can move on to the five steps that
can help in healing after dating a narcissist.
This narcissistic relationship could go on for years. No matter the number
of years, once the narcissist gets bored, they will just leave without saying
goodbye. So mean, right?
The five core steps to healing after abuse are:
Support Groups
After coming out of this crazy toxic relationship, you shouldn’t stay alone.
You are prone to depression, anxiety, and PTSD at this point as you might
find yourself crying and thinking whatever happened was all your fault.
You need to stay around people who will support you during this period.
You can find a support group nearby that you will attend every week. Don’t
forget you are not the only one that has passed through traumatic
experiences.
Getting together with a group of people with similar cases will help you
heal better.
Two heads are better than one. And a burden shared is a burden reduced.
In support groups, you can share your problems with different people with
similar traumatic experiences such as rape victims, orphans, alcoholics,
drug addicts, and so on. Apart from finding a support group, you can also
visit a therapist, life coach, or counselor.
You need a therapist with experience handling similar cases to yours. This
is very paramount because if the therapist has never dealt with a victim of a
narcissistic relationship, he may cause more harm than good. To be on the
safe side, get a therapist that has the necessary experience and expertise to
guide you through this healing period.
Self Love
Self-love has been known to help victims of different kinds of abuse
recover and rediscover their best selves.
Involve yourself in several activities that will help you move on.
Take yourself out, eat healthily, have fun with your friends, indulge yourself
with anything good for your mind, body, and spirit.
Involve yourself in sporting activities like lawn tennis, squash, or bicycling.
Some other people may recommend yoga sessions or relaxation centers
such as the spa, and so on.
You can also get books like this that will help speed up the healing process.
Another thing is to get yourself busy with something.
If you are alone, you may think back and feel depressed. But when you are
always busy with one thing or the other, you don’t leave room for
unnecessary thinking.
If you don’t have anything to do, you can sleep. Proper sleep can help
alleviate symptoms of depression to some extent.
Complete Detachment from the Past Relationship
When you still have items that will connect you with your past relationship,
your healing may take time.
Forget about the past. You’re free now!
Delete any kind of attachment with your ex, such as pictures or chats, and
most especially pictures. Photos are taken to preserve memories. When you
see pictures of when you were together with an ex, it will definitely make
you feel sad, used, and betrayed.
This is not helping your healing in any way. Delete every picture or text that
will refer you to the past.
Also, get rid of their number from your phone. Unfollow them on
Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and other social media platforms.
Just avoid anything that will trigger memories, and this will help speed up
the healing process.
Patience is a Virtue
You need to know that this healing process will take a while. It doesn't just
happen overnight. It is just like when someone is injured, and medication is
required.
The wound does not heal immediately. It takes time before it does.
Similarly with emotional wounds, you need to be patient. Gradually with all
these things listed, you will heal and soon be back on your feet.
Although it may take time before everything goes back to normal, in the
end, everything will be back to normal.
Do something productive
While in a relationship with a narcissist, you didn’t really have time to do
your thing. You were busy making your partner’s needs your needs. Now
that you are free from this nightmare, it is time to go back to that plan of
yours.
Maybe you wanted to start a business, but you were unable to. It is time to
work on it and do something productive. This will help speed up the
process of healing.
Healing may take a few months or even a year, and leading a healthy and
productive life after the abuse aids recovery. Many people have recovered
from narcissistic abuse, and many others are still recovering from it.
Trust me, by doing all these five steps you’ll soon be back in good shape.
Know that you are not alone in this and you can power through this and get
to the best days of your life.
 Chapter 18: Healthy Love - Dating After a
Narcissist
A fter surviving a nasty relationship with a narcissist, you begin to
wonder whether you can ever love anyone in the way you loved your
ex.
For the ladies, I am going to say, there are several good men out there that
will treat you right in every possible way and the same goes for the men
too. There are lots of single and healthy women out there in the world who
are ready for love.
You just have to be patient and avoid falling into the hands of a narcissist.
At this point, I believe that you have learned so much from this book about
who a narcissist is, and how to spot a narcissist on a first date and how to
know if you are dealing with a narcissist right from the onset of a
relationship. It shouldn’t be hard for you to spot a narcissist. However, there
are some covert narcissists, and you may not even know until you are deep
into a relationship with them. So, do yourself a little favor by refreshing
your mind about how to spot a covert narcissist as discussed earlier in the
book.
This chapter will enlighten you on how to handle dating situations and find
a non-toxic relationship, especially when you are fresh out of an abusive
relationship. Let’s dive in!
After surviving a narcissistic relationship, you have hopefully gone through
some therapeutic sessions and you have also attended several support
groups.
You even started a business, and now you are finally healed. All the pain
and guilt is now in the past, and you’re ready to move on with your life.
The chances are that you may want to get back out there in the dating game.
It will be bad for anyone to advise you not to date again, because of one
negative experience. But, to be sincere, there are so many good people out
in the world waiting patiently for you to walk into their lives today.
All you have to do is put up some defenses that would ward off narcissists
from you.
It is no new fact that after surviving an abusive relationship with a
narcissist, you might be full of fears.
What if I met a narcissist again and I don't know?
What if he was really deceptive and I fall into his trap again?
You keep asking yourself so many “what if?” questions.
You are going to learn the tricks that can help you recognize toxic people
early. When I say toxic people, I’m specifically talking about the narcissists
and anyone who can hurt you.
The excellent first advice is to never rush into any relationship again. Pay
more attention to the attitude of love interests and pay less to their looks but
be discrete about it.
I mean, don’t make it too visible. Narcissists may, on their first date with
you, like to know more about you but say little about themselves. Make
sure you ask your dates lots of questions, and when they try to dodge your
questions, ensure they answer them.
When narcissists know all about you, they try to check out your weak
points. Try not to disclose too much information too soon, just to be on the
safer side.
Another essential key to recognizing anyone that is out to hurt is respect.
What is meant by that? Anyone who doesn’t respect you for who you are
should not be in your life for any reason.
If you notice any little sign of disrespect, you need to bid them goodbye
immediately. This time, you can’t be waiting around for someone to hurt
you again.
Another thing is that after healing, you need to set some standards for
yourself. You need to have some kind of high esteem for yourself.
Know what you don’t deserve or can’t take and stand by your words. When
you don’t know your self-worth, that’s when someone can treat you badly.
By knowing your self-worth and establishing your standards, just anyone
won’t approach you. Knowing may not be convincing enough: you need
some boldness and confidence to express yourself, either through your
response or via your actions.
Let’s assume you are a lady who has healed completely and you have
decided to open up your heart again.
You met this guy who collected your digits, and you two started texting.
You notice that all his talks were always leading to sex or mentioning sex.
You need to get your head together. He doesn’t want to know you. He just
wants sex. Forget the fact that you haven’t had sex in a while. You need to
protect yourself from men like this. Each time he says words like, “What
are you doing at the moment?” or “would you like to come by the house
this evening?” Be aware and careful! Don’t allow anyone to play on your
emotions anymore. Just say you’re busy with something.
Maybe you met someone at a coffee shop, and you guys have started calling
yourself and texting frequently. All of a sudden, he just disappears for a
while. No calls, no text! Again, after a week, he resurfaces and texts you,
“Hey beautiful, I missed you!" You need to run from that kind of person.
There is a big possibility that the person is a narcissist. He doesn't mean
what he said. He doesn't miss you.
It doesn't matter if he was a sweet guy before he ghosted you. When you
reply to that kind of person, what you are telling them is that you have no
self-worth or respect for yourself. They are going to continue treating you
like that if you stay with them. Don’t wait for him to start hurting you
before you opt-out. Delete his digits and say your goodbye.
You are healed now, right? You are fresh and ready to mingle. You met this
guy on tinder, and you gave him your number. One day he just calls you at
night, asking you to come over to spend time with him. That’s not
appropriate. You are not sure about him yet. Just make up some excuse, that
you are tired and you need to get up very early the next day. Wait for a little
to see what he would say. If after giving that excuse, he still persists, then
you know he doesn’t care about you. He just wants to have his way with
you. The question is, why didn’t he ask you during the day time or make
plans for earlier? Never answer to a late-night booty call, it just shows you
have little esteem for yourself.
Again, you just met this great guy some days ago. Throughout the time you
guys were chatting, he never mentioned that he was traveling or relocating
to another city. He just called you that he was leaving the next day and that
you should come over. He’s not right for you! He’s likely going to leave
you after having his way with you. Don’t fall for that! When this kind of
thing happens, tell him that you are very busy with something and you
won’t be able to come to see him. Also, don't forget to wish him a safe trip
if he calls you back after that day, then fine. If he doesn't, you just dodged a
bullet. Most times, they never call back. They probably found someone else
the trick worked on.
You may also meet some kind of guys who just want to see you without any
planning. We’ve said earlier that you need to set some standards for
yourself. That doesn’t show he has any respect for you. What if you were
busy and you couldn’t make it? He doesn’t care. Avoid this kind of person.
Whenever you meet yourself in this kind of situation, say you are busy.
Maybe, you could tell him you are free on the next Saturday. If he doesn’t
make an effort to plan a great time for you, he doesn’t really care.
You have been talking to this guy you met at a business summit, and each
time he tries to make plans with you, there is no certainty. He may say,
“maybe we should go out this Thursday or Friday.” Your reply should be
that he should choose one because you are not sure you’ll be available if he
doesn’t. Act like you have your own plans. He’ll probably take it more
seriously if he was actually into you. If he wasn’t that into you, you might
not hear from him again. He has to show some signs of commitment before
you can accept his offer. This will show you are the kind of woman that
can’t be treated poorly.
If you are so important to him, he will value your time. Maybe, you made
plans for dinner, and he’s running late. If he doesn’t call you to tell you he’s
running late, hop up and leave. On the second thought, if he calls you, tell
him you have plans after dinner, and you may not be able to stay. Maybe
you could fix another time! If he still came late, he doesn’t feel you are
good enough. Ditch him and move on. Don’t let anyone waste your time. If
he doesn’t value your time, he doesn’t value you at all. Don’t start making
unnecessary compromises when you’ve not even started dating. Remember
that’s how you got into that nasty relationship you had with your ex. You
know better now!
From the beginning, right from little dates and conversations, you need to
be careful and notice every red flag that may lead to a nasty relationship.
Set your boundaries, don’t get too carried away with the outward looks,
charming behavior, fame, charisma, and so on. Don't be overcommitted to
someone; be ready to walk away at any time. Don't drop your future plans
for anyone or change the direction of your life. Be as independent as
possible. All these things may seem very rigid, but these are the precautions
you must take to avoid falling into the wrong hands.
The same goes for men too, even if someone makes you feel important, still
be patient enough to see it through. Don’t be too quick to drop your
defenses. Express your boundaries with subtlety and confidence without
being angry. Most importantly, when you show people that you know you're
worth, they will respect you. If they don’t, you will know they are no good
for you.
 Chapter 19: First Date – How to Spot a Narcissist
HOW CAN YOU RECOGNIZE THE NARCISSIST FROM THE
FIRST DATE?
No one deserves to be hurt or heartbroken, whether male or female. Being
in a relationship with a narcissist, an egocentric, self-centered, and all-
controlling person can be a horrible decision. Many women who have fallen
victim of this kind of relationship always end up in bad shape after a crazy
breakup.
If you are ignorant of who a narcissist is and how to spot them quickly, you
will most likely fall under their trap. This chapter will enlighten you on how
to recognize a narcissist right from the first date. I won't feed you with lies;
identifying a narcissistic individual may be complicated. It takes a lot of
focus and concentration to spot the difference. This is because they are
highly skilled manipulators.
How does the Narcissist Appears on the First Date?
The first misconception I would like to correct is that some men may have a
few qualities of a narcissist, but that doesn’t mean they are. Having one or
two conditions may not be harmful. Here, we want to help you dodge a
bullet from the first date.
Narcissists are very confident people. Once they spot their prey, they make
a move and can do anything in their power to get that person. They are
really persuasive people. On your first date with a narcissist, he will appear
very charming and 'too good' for you. Don't get me wrong, an average guy
that really likes you can look this way too. There's something out of the
ordinary when it comes to a narcissist. He could get a Lamborghini just to
impress you. Just about anything to hook you. If you notice any 'too good to
be true' kind of signs on your first date, that's a red flag.
Narcissists like to be in control of anything around them. They believe they
are the best at everything. Let’s say he planned dinner for two at a
restaurant and you thought it was just something casual. A narcissist will
dress to intimidate you in every way possible. He wants to show you that he
is better than you. When you notice any of these red flags, you need to be
more attentive to ascertain if he’s a narcissist with other signs that you’ll
learn in this chapter.
What They Say
Another easy way to spot a narcissist on a first date is in what they say.
From the way a person talks on the first date, you can deduce whether he’s
a narcissist or not. You just have to pay close attention. Narcissists are
attention lovers; they’ll do anything to keep the attention focused on them.
They want everyone to know how successful they are. If on your first date,
your date can’t seem to stop talking about himself, that’s a massive red flag.
A narcissist will always try to direct all the attention to himself. They try to
make each topic of discussion about them. If you notice this kind of attitude
on your first date, there’s no need for a second date.
Narcissists are good lovers on the first date. They are trying to win your
heart, so they can come at you with different love quotes just to make you
feel necessary. They can say, “do you believe in love at first sight?”
Don’t fall that easily! Wait for some other good signs before you jump into
the wagon. Often times, toxic relationships are delightful in the beginning,
especially on the first date. It could appear to be your best date since you’ve
been dating. They could also say something like, “we have so much in
common.” Narcissists are cunning and manipulative. They ask a lot of
questions on their first date with you just to know a lot about you. They
want to know all about you but say little about themselves. Be careful! Do
not reveal everything to them.
Lastly, narcissists always have a history of crazy exes. They may say, “my
ex dumped me and left me heartbroken” or “my last few relationships have
been awful.” That’s a durable quality of a narcissist. They never take the
blame for anything, and they try their best to blame others. Narcissists are
far from accountable or responsible for anything. When you notice that he
keeps talking about what they did to him in his last relationships without
having any fault whatsoever, that's a red flag.
The Signs Your Date Is a Narcissist
Here are a few reliable signs that your date is a narcissist:
The conversation
When on a date with someone, the primary purpose is to get to know each
other, right? You bring up topics to be discussed by both parties. This is
quite different from a narcissist. When on a date with a narcissist, the
conversation becomes a monologue instead of a dialogue. He does all the
talking, leaving little or no room for the other party to talk. They brag about
themselves, their business, how they landed their first million, and so on.
Distraction
We said earlier that narcissists love attention, right? Each time you get
distracted by something, they get really annoyed with you. They never want
focus shifted away from them. They want to be the center of discussion;
they want to be in control. Stay alert!
Special Treatment
Narcissists are so full of themselves. They have this belief that they should
be treated specially. They plan your first date without acknowledging your
opinion at all. On the first date, they may demand to change their sitting
arrangements or quarrel with the waiter for something not worth it.
Impatient
Narcissists are very anxious individuals. They’ve no patience whatsoever.
On your first date with a narcissist, he will most likely cause a scene with
the manager of the restaurant he picked himself.
Critiques
One last thing you should look out for on your date is that narcissists are
nasty critics. They are not satisfied with anything. They believe no one is
better than them and what they are doing is the best.
How can you avoid the rest of the date?
After you’ve concluded that your date is a narcissist, you are halfway safe.
What’s remaining is how to avoid the remaining part of the date. Firstly,
avoid feeding his ego by complimenting him on what he did or how he
looks. Ask him a lot of questions and ensure he answers them. Make him
feel intimidated and less in control. You can brag too, appear influential and
highly esteemed. Try to disagree with whatever he says to you. Maybe he
tells you very sweet and charming things; say something to counteract it.
For instance, if he says something like, 'the first time I set my eyes on
you…' try to say something mean that will make him feel you don't care.
Deep down, narcissists are sad and low esteemed. If you make him think
lesser than he feels or if he has no control at all over you, then you are free.
A lot has been said about narcissists, the red flags on a first date, how they
appear, what they say, and how to avoid the rest of the date. It’s better to
avoid getting into a relationship with a monster at all from the first date.
One thing you must be aware of is that it may not be easy spotting the signs
discussed above in this chapter.
One needs to pay rapt attention to locate these few signs adequately. Some
narcissists don't know they are narcissists and if you tell them, they will not
agree with you. Rule out every notion to save them because you may end up
getting heartbroken. Protect yourself first.

Conclusion
T hank you for coming this far. Narcissistic abuse does not only take
place in personal and work relationships but also in contact with
members of a community and even with public figures.
No matter whether it occurs on a personal or public level, it is vital to be
aware of the signs of abuse as awareness of the negative situation is the first
step to get out of it.
Narcissists are proud and self-centered individuals who lack empathy for
others. They live in a world of their own making, and they believe that they
are unique and special. Hence they always seek to serve their individual
needs and won't mind using people as a means to further themselves
Many people have fallen victim to narcissistic abuse in general, and some
have dated a narcissist or had an unhealthy relationship with one.
It is not a bad thing to seek love; in fact, one of the basic needs of humans is
the need for a sense of belonging and acceptance by other people. There is
nothing wrong in seeking love, but in the process of trying to find love,
many have fallen victim to unhealthy relationships with abusive people.
Essential issues like identifying the behaviors of narcissists in dating, and
learning how to deal with the narcissist who seeks control were discussed in
full details. The stages of a typical relationship with a narcissist, Love-
Bombing, Devaluing and Discarding, were discussed fully with real-life
examples.
Why people fall victim to the wiles of the narcissist was not left out as the
qualities that make people easy prey for the narcissists were extensively
detailed. Psychological effects might linger for a very long time in the
psyche of victims, even after they have quit the relationship with the
narcissist and as such reading a material like this serves as a precaution not
to fall victim to the narcissist’s manipulative behavior.
Narcissists don’t even think about how their behavior affects others, and
this is why they find it so easy to use emotionally abusive and manipulative
techniques in their relationships.
The previous chapters have revealed how narcissists operate in romantic
relationships; it exposes the words they say and the actions they take to
abuse victims.
Also, empowering strategies as to how to disarm narcissists and how to deal
with narcissism in dating have been discussed.
Earlier on in the introduction, I promised you an informative and
enlightening piece about dating a narcissist. I hope that the chapters of this
book addressed every issue of concern of yours about dating a narcissist.
What I believe is that with the proper management techniques, any victim
can get over the emotional abuse and mental manipulation of dating or
being involved with a narcissist to go on and lead a productive and fulfilling
life.
It is usual for victims of abuse to cry after their ordeal and think whatever
went wrong with the relationship was their fault, which is what the
narcissist wanted; a traumatic experience for the victim, and this book, I
hope, has touched on everything needed for healing after dating a narcissist.
Do not read this alone and put it aside. Touch the lives of others with what
you have learned, get copies for people you know are going through the
ordeal and don’t forget to provide all the support you can when you can.
Thank you, and good luck!
 Should I Stay
or Should I Go?
Deciding whether to Stay or Go and Healing from an
Emotionally Destructive Relationship with
a Narcissist

Dr. Theresa J. Covert

 Introduction

N arcissism is, by its nature, a tough nut to crack. It’s not easy to say why
narcissists act the way they do, and there is no singular reason. Within
these pages, you will be given a peek inside their extreme inner world,
allowing you to better understand their thought processes and motivations.
After spending so much time dealing with the lies of the narcissist, it is time
for you to start being honest with yourself. Don’t allow yourself to keep up
with the lie that the narcissist is going to get better, that things weren’t
really that bad, or anything else. At the same time, you need to be willing to
forgive yourself for the things that happened in the past. If you get yourself
in this situation you have to choose between these two options either stay or
quit the relationship.
Narcissism is a neurotic condition where the individual encounters
incredible challenges inside his relationships, as an immediate aftereffect of
hardship endured as a child. The narcissistic practices are the narcissist's
self-addictive endeavors to shield himself from any further agonizing
narcissistic affront, as experienced as a child, through his unfriendly world,
broken school, and family framework. This is his internal directing
framework, in a manner of speaking. Since the narcissist does not have the
inner structures important to battle their frightening feeling of fracture,
tension and declining self-regard, they swing to these outside practices in
their endeavor to self-calm. Furthermore, the narcissistic conduct turns into
an interminable spiral that continues circling back on itself in each
circumstance, bringing about an unending stream of narcissistic casualty
misuse.
The following chapters will discuss various tips and tricks that can help you
deal with a narcissist in a relationship/marriage.
Narcissists expect people to give them special treatment, so they actively
manipulate and control people to ensure that they satisfy that need. Therein
lays the problem for most people. If you have narcissists in your life, you
can rest assured that they will try to get you to give them special treatment,
because they just can't help it.
Knowing more about what might feed a narcissistic personality gives you a
greater insight into how to deal with those around you who may have it.
Once you can identify the traits, behaviors, and emotions, you have a better
handle on essentially what makes the person tick.
It is inevitable that you will run into a narcissist at least once in your life.
Just remember that you do not have to just deal with them. There are ways
to healthily cope with their behavior so that your self-esteem and life do not
take a major negative hit.
This book is going to talk about this very subject and highlight the fact that
whilst you might feel like you meet narcissists every single day of your life,
a genuine narcissist is actually quite rare. What you’re probably
encountering is a person who has a generally inflated sense of self-
importance, but one trait alone doesn’t diagnose someone with a narcissistic
tendency!
The thing is, most people have a slight narcissistic tendency at some point
in their lives. Sometimes we can be overconfident, sometimes we can put
others down needlessly, and sometimes we can seek out validation for no
reason. None of this means that we are a narcissist, unless there are several
traits together, and it happens on a very regular basis.
You see, a true narcissist is actually a person who needs help, but the
problem is that most of them will never admit they need it, and so therefore
never really receive it. It’s a sad fact, but one which is all too common.
Dealing with a narcissist, especially if you find yourself growing close to
one, can be a very difficult situation to be in. You probably won’t realize
that they are actually narcissistic until you do grow close, because these
types of people are masters of disguise. They will appear charming, aloof,
and extremely attentive until they have you hooked. From then on, the traits
appear, and emotional manipulation takes hold.
A narcissist is someone who suffers from a genuine personality disorder.
Despite that, it doesn’t make being around one any easier.
This book is going to give you all the information you need on narcissism,
and it’s also going to help you understand how to deal with one in your life.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it may be time to think of
yourself and actually get out, if you find that you can’t help them, or they
don’t want to accept help.
It’s sad but true that many narcissists are actually very lonely individuals,
lacking in self-confidence and not really understanding why people react to
them the way they do.
So, whether you have a narcissist in your life, you think you yourself might
have narcissistic tendencies, or you’re simply interested in learning more,
this book will give you all the information you need.
You do not have to be caught in the narcissist’s web of lies and distortions
any longer: This book will be your roadmap to mental clarity. You will
receive a comprehensive guide on how to cope with a narcissist and how to
heal from narcissistic abuse.
If you have picked up this book, it is likely you suspect that you may be
actively manipulated by a narcissist at this moment, and you wish to learn
more. Please remember, you do not have to accept the abuse of a narcissist,
and remember to trust your own instincts and perceptions when around a
suspected narcissist. They will do anything in their power to discredit you
to yourself in order to continue to manipulate you with zero qualms about
it. With the help of this book, you will learn how to disentangle yourself
from the narcissist’s grasp and begin a journey toward healing yourself
from the narcissistic abuse endured.
In these pages, we can find quizzes to assess our own, or someone else’s,
levels of narcissism. As we go along, we must remind ourselves that, yes,
there are healthy forms of narcissism. But for those who have dealt with or
have severe forms of narcissism, know this: if you are the victim, you can
recover as so many of us have who have gone through what you are going
through and come out on top. If you are a narcissist, I thank you for coming
along on this journey with us.
At the end of the day, we are all human beings and we can all change for
the betterment of ourselves and for those who love us.
 Chapter 1:
Identify and state the problem

Assessing the Situation Objectively

Y ou may be fully aware that you are a source of narcissistic supply, or a

target for manipulation or abusive behavior. Perhaps it is clear that you
must either break off or continue the relationship. But for those who are still
in the questioning phase, unsure about what is happening and the extent to
which they need to act, there are several exercises you can do to help you
see more clearly.

Abuse checklist
Extreme narcissistic people may be abusive if they are unhealthy enough, as
they may be unable to be empathetic to others. If you’re unsure as to
whether you’re involved in an abusive interaction, take a look at the
following checklist. Many victims of abuse live in a state of denial
regarding the true nature of the situation, making excuses for their loved
ones, and excusing their abusive behavior. Abuse can be an insidious
process that can leave the victim feeling confused and upset for an extended
period after it has finished. It can have crippling effects on the victim’s
sense of self-worth and confidence and should not be ignored or allowed to
continue after it has been identified.
Each type of abuse has various indicators split out in the lists below. If
you’re unsure about whether you are experiencing abuse, identify which
indicators apply to your relationship with the person in question. Multiple
indicators mean that it is more likely that what you are experiencing
classifies as abuse.

Assessing a Narcissist’s Triggers

Assessing a narcissist and what makes them tick can be extremely useful in
determining how to best handle them. Depending on your goals, whether
these be to survive, thrive, or peacefully coexist, learning their triggers can
make the difference between peace and fury.
If you decide not to walk away, it might be an idea to consider purposely
becoming less threatening. Avoiding triggering their insecurities, areas of
competition, and knowing how to make them feel appreciated can help you
to avoid storms and navigate through the waves.
Being true to yourself, is always preferable to pretending to be something
that you are not. However, you may be able to find a compromise, that does
not threaten the narcissist, whilst still being true to yourself in important
ways. Whatever works for you. For example, self-deprecating humor is
consistently applied by the British to make others feel comfortable and to
appear non-threatening. Being able to laugh at yourself can put many
people at ease. This does not compromise any values of “being true to
oneself” as being able to make fun of your flaws is a modest and positive
quality.
If you choose to go further, you can avoid talking about (or even downplay)
the talents, characteristics and experiences you possess that you think the
narcissist will find threatening, and emphasizing your interests and hobbies
that they find non-threatening. If you must interact with them, this may be
preferable rather than risk invoking their fury and attempts to control or
undermine you. It is not a perfect solution, but it is your choice to decide
how you need to behave to get what you would like from the situation.
Remember that you are attempting to avoid conflict rather than to create it.
Below you will find a guided exercise to assess the narcissist, to help you
handle them in the future.

What does the narcissist believe their talents to be?

____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
Is the narcissist competitive in any of these talents?
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
Have you identified any triggers for insecurity within the narcissist?
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________
What does the narcissist consider to be “non-threatening” in others? I.e.
What talents, subjects, etc. do not cross-over into their “realms of
importance” in which they need control? Are you heavily involved in any
non-threatening areas? These may become safe subjects to have non-
threatening conversations about.
____________________________________
____________________________________
____________________________________

Identifying a Narcissist
Narcissists, being master manipulators who love to wear personas to get
what they want, can be incredibly difficult to identify at a glance. It takes
plenty of interaction to begin to see the behavioral patterns that identify the
sneakiest of narcissists. Understanding the narcissist’s most common
behavioral habits is the first step in being able to identify whether someone
in your life is a narcissist. These are behavioral red flags that should catch
your attention and prompt you to re-evaluate past interactions with the
suspected narcissist. After understanding the most common behaviors,
learning the most frequently used manipulation tactics will further your
ability to identify narcissists in real life. Lastly, with your understanding of
what techniques the narcissist likes to employ, understanding the traits a
narcissist seeks in a target will help you understand where you stand in
relation to the narcissist. Identifying the narcissist is the first step to
mitigating the potential damage that can be done, and ending any
narcissistic abuse you may have endured.

The Narcissist’s Habits

Narcissists typically have specific behavioral habits they have developed
over time that are strongly influenced by the traits that are used to diagnose
NPD. They pick up certain quirks and tendencies based on their personality
disorder that may first seem like insecurities or abrasiveness, but are
actually much more sinister when combined. Some of these can be
mistaken for normal behaviors, though a trained eye will be able to notice
the difference between sarcasm and malignant sarcasm, or playing the
devil’s advocate genuinely trying to further a discussion and playing the
devil’s advocate specifically to inflict emotional harm. By understanding
and recognizing these habits, and how they play into NPD, you can begin to
take the steps necessary to protect yourself in the future.

The Narcissist’s Weapons

As masters of manipulation, it should be no surprise that most have an
arsenal of techniques at their disposal. After a lifetime of honing their skills
and learning what the most effective is, most narcissists settle on many of
the same techniques on their own. This section will detail nine of the most
common tactics narcissists use as weapons to get what they desire so you
will be prepared to recognize when you are being manipulated. By knowing
when you are being manipulated, you are more prepared to take a step back
and avoid falling for the narcissist’s tricks.

It Wasn’t Your Fault

You aren’t reading these words because you have done something wrong.
You didn’t pick this book up because you’re stupid or naive. What has
happened to you was not your fault.
The aftermath of an abusive relationship is almost as difficult to bear as the
relationship itself, albeit in a very different way. After suffering for months
or years at the hands of someone who only pretended to have your best
interests at heart, someone you loved and wanted to share your life with,
something made you realize all was not well.
For many of us, it takes a moment of objectivity, unexpectedly gifted. A
moment of clarity in which we can suddenly see what should have been so
obvious – and perhaps was horribly obvious to the people around us, who
could do little but watch as we suffered. It would have been obvious had it
not been hidden under layers of slow acceptance.
In that moment, everything changes. It may have been that your partner
went a step too far and broke past your ability to tolerate, it may have been
an outside influence showing you what life should be like without this
torture, or something else entirely. It’s different for all of us.
But whatever causes that moment of clarity, the effect is largely the same.
You become aware, hazily at first and then with a sudden jolt, that this
relationship is not as normal as you had thought. The way you have been –
and are being – treated is not right or fair. This is not the love you thought it
was.
For some of us, the backlash is instant and we are out that door in a flash,
seeking to place as much distance between ourselves and our abuser as we
can. For others, it takes longer to awaken.
Love sets us apart from any other species on this planet. It is the most
unpredictable, unknowable and unbreakable force that human beings
possess. Smashing through the barrier your own emotions have created isn’t
easy – and dealing with what’s on the other side is just as hard.
Because this wasn’t your fault. You did not ask for this to happen to you,
nor did you deserve it. Loving another fully and unconditionally is not a sin,
nor does it make you blind or idiotic. Whatever blame you have assigned to
yourself, whatever painful emotions brought you to these pages, it’s time to
begin the process of letting go. Your partner does not control your future,
not any more. You do.

Are Narcissists Capable of Falling in Love?

Now this is a big part of the equation really. If you want to have a
relationship with a narcissist you should know if that narcissist is truly
capable of loving you. Well, the first question is if a narcissist is capable of
falling in love—that’s a good place to start.
And the answer to that question is yes.
Believe it or not, there are narcissists who are capable of falling in love.
Narcissists are human too, so yes they are capable of falling in love. The
next question that you need to answer is critical because it is one thing to be
capable of falling in love and another thing to be able to reciprocate love.
So, are narcissists capable of reciprocating your love?
The answer to that question is rather complicated. You can say that it is a
yes and also a no. There are a lot of factors coming into play and that
complicates everything.
For one thing, a narcissist may show affection but on a different level, and
also on a different degree. Remember that their personality can suck out the
stability that you have in your system.
Their ego boosting behavior will come into play and there will be times
when those behaviors will interfere with the narcissist’s ability to fully
express his or her love. They are very insecure creatures whether they
would like to admit it or not.
Those insecurities of theirs, combined with your emotional entanglements
and insecurities, will not always make a lot of well-mixed chemistry. In
fact, you should brace yourself for a lot of conflict. Expect a love-hate
relationship that is full of turmoil. In fact, narcissists may not even be aware
that they are already covering up for their insecurities.
In public, narcissists know how to turn on their charm and attract people.
But in the privacy of their home, they are a totally different person. They
might know how to say the right words and do the right things, such as
telling you caring words, feeding you with compliments, buying expensive
gifts, and showing their sincerity.
It is a common misconception that narcissists only know how to love
themselves. Their behavior towards other people might make it appear this
way, but deep down, they actually hate themselves. Their perfectionism,
self-absorbed behavior, and arrogance are often used as a cover for how
they loathe themselves. But instead of making themselves suffer because of
this, they often project all their anger towards other people. They are
emotionally numb inside.

The single biggest thing that keeps women stuck in indecision and how
to overcome It - Acceptance
You no doubt have heard the old adage a hundred times before: before you
can solve a problem, you need to accept you have one. In the aftermath of
an abusive relationship, this applies to you, too.
For most of the time you were involved with your abuser, you felt that the
relationship was normal. Everything was fine, for the most part.
Since you can’t run away from that narcissist in your life—maybe it’s your
spouse, your best friend, your parents, or maybe a sibling—your next
logical course of action is to accept the fact that you do have to deal with it.
You can limit your interactions. That is all well and good. However, you
should also plan for those small moments when you have to interact with
them. You should also create contingency plans in case they also interact
with your children or your husband or wife.
If it is your spouse that is a narcissist, you should have contingency plans
and ways to explain to your kids why you have to separate.
You have to come to terms with the difficult fact that the narcissists won’t
be able to reciprocate the good things that you have done for them. You will
be misunderstood at times and people around you might misunderstand you
as well -- and sometimes that is more painful.
Awareness and acceptance is the hard and tough road that everyone in a
relationship with a narcissist must tread on. It’s a tough one simply because
it is hard to believe that your relationship was a lie.
Do some introspection. Ask yourself—is the behavior of your narcissistic
husband the same or in any way similar to that of your parents? Do you feel
like you are attracted to people who have that strange sense of entitlement?
Are you easily compelled to follow the lead of such a person? Note that it is
very easy for sensitive people to feel compelled by narcissists. However,
note how it eventually feels inside with that person.
You don’t feel good about yourself, right? If you end up not feeling great
about yourself, feeling like you’re praising him more than uplifting
yourself, then there must be something wrong.
If your spouse is a narcissist and the relationship is choking the life out of
you, then get out of that relationship fast.
Remember that narcissists will never think that they are wrong. They will
always put the blame on you. They will always think that you are the
problem. In the end, you’ll just feel like a doormat.
Acceptance is the more difficult path, but it is your first step to freedom.
Acceptance also means that you start believing that you deserve more than
what your narcissist is giving to you right now. It is the first step to truly
loving yourself.
Whether you justified your ex’s bad behavior one day at a time and slowly
slipped deeper into the mire, or it was so subtle that you barely even noticed
it happening, the larger part of your mind accepted the relationship and all
the damage it was doing to you.
Before you can begin to repair that damage, you first need to take the time
to understand and accept that this was not a normal relationship. It did not
follow the normal rules. Your feelings about how “well” you did in pleasing
your partner do not count as normal.
In a normal relationship, you see, there is always give and take. You do
your best to make your partner happy and they do the same thing for you.
When mistakes are made, they are generally honest mistakes; when
behavior is bad, it can be accepted as bad and altered or apologized for. You
and your lover are on even footing, respecting, liking and loving one
another equally.
That’s not the case in an abusive relationship. Part of the game your abuser
played was to strip your sense of identity for you and quash your self
esteem, with the end goal of making you dependent on them, and only
them, and obedient to their view of who and what you should be. All the
while they were going about this, you were working under the assumption
that you were on the even footing you would be in any other relationship –
right up until the end, until your awakening, that’s the way you continued to
feel.
It’s precisely because you thought you were working from an even footing
that the damage can be so deep. When your abuser threw accusations at
you, told you that problems were all your fault and made you feel
worthless, you took it on board exactly as you would had the two of you
been on that even footing. One of the effects of being in a narcissistic
relationship is that you lose your sense of identity.

So Where Did They Go Wrong?

This is a fair question, because it answers the deep driving need that you
have inside of you right now to know whether or not there’s any redemption
for people like this. Where did they go wrong and is there any way to fix
this? Sure, there are lots of ways to fix this and we all know exactly when
things went wrong. They went wrong with your childhood and this is the
sort of earth shattering thing that we all went through.
Narcissists are told from day one that they are the center of the world and
that they can do no wrong and that message is never stopped. In fact, when
parents wear out their welcome in the narcissist’s life, they seek that
validation elsewhere. The only way to know that you’re on top of the world
and that you’re the best is if someone tells you that you are. That’s the ugly
truth that they come to learn, willingly or no. They will claim that they’ve
‘earned it’ which they might have, but not to the degree that they believe.
Narcissists all go through this and believe that the world owes them the
favors that the rest of the world has already come to learn.
 Chapter 2:
Present the solution

Your Starting Point

F iguring out how emotional abuse has affected you is not just important
on your road to recovery. It will help you spot the hurdles you’ll need to
overcome as you bring yourself back to emotional health, but it will also do
something else: help you avoid a repeat of this torment in the future.
The “symptoms” of emotional abuse begin to appear long before we make
that tough decision to escape the situation. They are born during the abuse
itself and grow into a pattern, one that would almost certainly repeat itself if
you had the misfortune to encounter another abuser.
Let us not forget that there may already be another abuser in your life – a
parent, a friend, a colleague or boss, almost anyone can exhibit abusive
behavior. That doesn’t mean you need to be that person’s victim, even if
you have been in the past.
You will also have heard the old cliché about people who always end up
going for the “wrong type” in their romantic lives. When it comes to abuse,
that’s absolutely possible; for instance, consider the symptom of loss of self.
Thanks to your abuser, you lost the ability to make decisions about yourself
and your future – it would seem only natural, if you are not fully healed
from the experience, for you to seek a new partner who can make up for
that lack, plummeting you straight back into the pattern of abuse.

How to identify what’s not working in the relationship that is actually

working for you.
When you have been in a relationship with a narcissist into the third phase,
the longer you have been together, the more lost you can become.
For people who have become victims of a narcissistic personality, they feel
the effects in many similar ways, yet it is always a personal experience.
Some victims will only get psychologically abused, whereas some
experience the entire gambit to include physical violence.
Most survivors would agree that they feel quite lost or even brainwashed.
They also report that they felt as if the narcissist was a sort of energy
vampire that would suck the life and hope out of a victim slowly but surely.
When victims are under the narcissist’s spell, they start to have this mental
filter that is a constant dialogue in their heads. They are constantly
questioning what they think, say, or do and if it will be something that the
narcissist will approve or not, or if it is something that will upset them. It
creates an environment where they are second-guessing themselves to a
point where it becomes a crippling effect overall.
Once the victim has gotten to the point of where the narcissist has
brainwashed them up to the point where they do not even know who they
are anymore, they will start to glance in the mirror and not recognize who is
looking back either. It is hard to believe unless you have already gotten to
this point.
This leads to a dissociation with their environment. They will start to
experience continuous breaks in their sense of self, consciousness,
perceptions, and memory. If this state is allowed to continue, the victim will
start having numb emotions. This state is made worse if the narcissist is
using drugs as a control tool, which further incapacitates their victim into
waking up to the actual reality of what is occurring.
All the worries and actions of the victims revolve around the narcissist.
Everything else that used to matter to them, including themselves, gets put
on the back burner. The narcissist and their happiness and needs become the
number one priority.
Trauma bonding is what occurs over a period of time, and this bond makes
it rather difficult for the victim to leave the situation they so desperately
hate. It is so incredibly easy for an outsider to simply tell them to leave, but
it is not that easy. One reason for this is they have had all their hopes
stripped away from them and that they do not see any options of escape.
Another reason is that most victims have gotten into a state where they
cannot trust themselves or anyone else, so they continue to feel helpless,
trapped in the situation.
The victim may start having somatic symptoms which were not present
before the relationship with the narcissist. These can present themselves in
a plethora of ways including weight loss, stomach, autoimmune or
reproductive system issues. This is due to the high-stress levels that are
present, which makes your immune system weak, bringing on illnesses
much more rapidly.
When a victim gets to the hopeless and crippling point, they are twice more
likely to commit suicide on several occasions. This is the sad reality for
many victims of narcissism as they see no other way out.
You might not realize at the beginning of the relationship that the fights that
you have every once in a while, slowly start to build up. Over time, you
start to realize that every fight ends with you being the one in the wrong.
This happens no matter what started the conversation, be it for simple
respect or an apology that the narcissist must say. As the fight persists, you,
the victim, are the one who ends up apologizing to the narcissist, as they
skillfully turn the conversation around to their favor. Even when the
narcissist has treated you in despicable ways, they are always the victim.
And with this scenario played over the next months and years, you start to
believe in all the subtle manipulative comments, put-downs, and downright
lies. This is not even a conscious effort as your brain and reasoning of
thought have been slowly picked away.
In the end, you believe that no one could be in your company and enjoy
themselves because you are completely worthless and a failure as a human
being.
When the narcissist has used the manipulation technique of isolation on
you, they have essentially used the same tactic as they commonly do in war
times. They set up blockades to hinder free trade or people moving freely.
The blockades that the narcissist utilizes are emotional and mental blocks to
barricade you against the rest of the world. This is to gain complete control
of every aspect of your life, including your thoughts and actions. To further
support the idea of isolation, the narcissist may start the physical abuse
which further tears down the victim.
Once the isolation has been implemented successfully, the victim falls
further under the rule of the narcissist and is taught to believe that there is
no escape. This is their life, and they better behave the way the narcissist
pleases at the time, or it will get worse. The narcissist, at this point, is
teaching the victim learned helplessness to place puppet strings on the
victim for the narcissist’s pleasure.
In this state of mind, the victim gives up trying to resist because it no longer
has any effect. The victim goes into survival mode. The reality of the
victim’s days usually caused them to get into drugs or alcohol to escape
their current state of affairs as they slip deeper into a depressed state.
The longer you stay in this state of mind, the more your self-identity slips
away. You become totally reliant on the narcissist and feel like you are
unable to complete even the simplest of tasks that used to come so easily to
you. This is a dangerous place to be because many victims consider suicide
as an only option for escape.
You also may have suffered from a loss of self-identity. If the relationship
with the narcissist was for a short period of time, there will be more of your
identity left after the fact. However, the victims who were with the
narcissist for years may lose their self-identity all together.
Because of the controlling nature of most narcissists, you may have been
forced to miss out on opportunities to better yourself. This could have been
through a job offer, furthering your education, or even traveling. This is
another negative aspect which bonds you to the narcissist further because
they are monopolizing your time to fully place it on them.
You may also be suffering from anxiety or depression due to the narcissist
constantly cutting you down. This could be from them putting down your
actions or appearances. The continued barrage of cut downs will lead to you
believing these falsehoods. It also further has you rely on the narcissist
because they make you believe that no one else would want you because
you are simply not good enough.
You also feel very restless when you are alone. You constantly use any free
time that you have to try to please the narcissist further. This could be trying
to earn more money, buying them gifts, or even cleaning the house. You
never spend any time doing anything that you enjoy because the narcissist
has created an environment that focuses solely on their contentment.
However, over time, you realize there is never any way to fully please a
narcissist.

Take everything slowly

Making new changes in your life can be overwhelming. This is a new stage
in your life – a new found freedom as it were. Sometimes you will find it
hard to communicate with other people. For the first time in your life you
are deciding something for yourself.
No one’s there to tell you what to do and no one is telling you what you can
or can’t do. Take everything one step at a time. All of this is part of the
huge healing process that you will have to go through.
If you were prevented from making new friends then start slowly. Find
acquaintances in your neighborhood first. Try something that you haven’t
done before—but do one thing at a time. Try to find things that interest you.
Don’t rush. If you rush things you might find yourself using toxic coping
tools and that will not get you moving forward in life.

How to interrupt the same recurring painful patterns and why nothing
ever seems to get resolved.
At some point, enough is enough. There are times when you just have to
block and cut the narcissist out of your life. This is especially true of
abusive relationships. If you need to get a court order to keep the narcissist
out of your hair, then do it.
Note that sometimes keeping away from the narcissist’s presence will feel
uncomfortable. Some people have gotten so used to the feeling of being
dominated that they feel that there is something missing without it.
It will take a while before that feeling goes away. Sometimes it’s scary. But
if you follow the tips and steps mentioned above, you will move on with
your life. It’s never easy, but the rewards will be worth it.
You can be forgiven for thinking that the narcissist cares about you because
most humans have this innate desire to care about each other, and our
default setting is to assume that others are also capable of caring about us.
When you start out with the narcissist, he will give you the impression that
he cares, but that is all an illusion because he wants something out of it.
When the narcissist finally reveals his true colors, and you realize that he
doesn’t care, it can be a disconcerting experience, and you can even remain
in denial about it for a very long time. That is because we are wired to look
for the good in others, and when there is none to find, we keep digging
deep. Don’t waste your time that way once you figure out that someone is a
narcissist. It’s time for the assumption that he cares to go out of the window.
Remember that the narcissist is quite devious, and he/she can take
advantage of the fact that you think there is some good in him/her by
feigning it once in a while to keep you on the hook. For example, if you are
married to a narcissist who spends the cash in your joint accounts on things
that benefit only him/her and put you in a financial quagmire, if he/she
figures out that you are growing weary and you are about to leave, he/she
may decide to spend some of that money on a “gift” for you, just to get you
thinking that maybe he/she isn’t that bad.
An emotionally abusive narcissist may decide to buy you flowers once in
awhile just to get you thinking that maybe all is not lost in that relationship.
You have to remember that these are just tricks that are meant to manipulate
you so that you can stick around and suffer more abuse. In the narcissist’s
mind, he/she probably thinks that the occasional decent act negates all the
horrible things that he/she does to you. Don’t be fooled by the occasional
kind acts.
You might ask, if a narcissist doesn’t care, then why does he/she give me so
much attention? This is a very confusing thing, and it has led many people
to excuse the behavior of the narcissists in their lives for a long time. The
truth is that for narcissists, attention is about control, having power over
you, and manipulating you. Tricking you into thinking they care about you
is like a sport to them, and they have a lot of fun with it. It’s a sick game
that they play with you to gain your trust. Once you trust them, they are
going to manipulate you and bring out your insecurities so that you are
somewhat dependent on them for emotional stability.
The sooner you accept the fact that the narcissist doesn’t care, the sooner
you will be able to get out from under his/her control, and the sooner you
will be able to start healing and rebuilding your self-esteem. The longer you
are stuck thinking the narcissist cares, the harder it will be for you to free
yourself from his/her influence. There are people who have tolerated
narcissists for so long, to the point that they have become numb to their
own suffering and they have accepted the abuse as part of their existence.
Don’t let the narcissist break you, and don’t lose perspective — you know a
caring person when you see one, so don’t make excuses for the narcissist.

Don’t Engage the Narcissist in Psychological Games

Narcissists are very good at initiating dramatic psychological games, often
at your expense. They can stir up conflict between you and other people,
and once you are at each other’s throats, they’ll pretend they had absolutely
nothing to do with the situation at hand. So, if you sense that a narcissist is
playing some sort of mind game with the intention of getting you to react in
an aggressive way, you should take a step back.
Narcissists play games and start drama because they enjoy the chaos that
ensues as a result of their machinations. When a narcissist starts a conflict
between two people, he/she feels a sense of superiority over them — it feels
like he/she is the puppet-master and you and others are tiny puppets ready
to rip each other apart while he/she plays god over your lives. So, before
you fall into the trap that the narcissist sets for you, and find yourself
tangled in a drama whose origin you can’t even remember, let’s look at
some of the common games that a narcissist may try to get you involved in.
One common game that narcissists play is the “emotional ping pong” game.
This is where a person avoids taking responsibility for their actions by
throwing that responsibility back to you. If the narcissist has done
something reprehensible, instead of reflecting on his/her own actions and
admitting wrongdoing, he/she will throw the ball back at you somehow.
He/she could try to blame you, shame you, project fault onto you, or even
outright deny doing something wrong, making you seem crazy for even
pointing it out. If you care about him/her, you might find yourself believing
the lie and even making excuses on his/her behalf.
Narcissists always love to play different variations of the ‘game’ where they
make you seem crazy in front of other people. A narcissist could do
something that indicates to you that they have malicious intent, but when
you confront them, they can accuse you of having an overactive
imagination, feigning innocence, or they can turn it around by accusing you
of malice.
They could even get everyone around you to turn against you by making
outrageous public accusations. Once you fall into that trap, you will start
spinning out of control trying to prove to others that you are right, but that
will only serve to prove the narcissist right. You have to learn to avoid
reacting dramatically to the actions of a narcissist, and you have to be able
to tell when you are being set up (with a narcissist, always assume that
he/she is setting you up for something).
Don’t engage in the narcissist’s drama. Don’t play games. As a decent
person, you will be inhibited by your rationality and your sense of decency.
The narcissist won’t play by any rules, so you can be absolutely certain that
you will lose. The best way to win with a narcissist is to avoid playing
his/her games altogether.
Detach with Love
Detaching with love is a term that has been used by experts to mean that
you are cutting off a person in a relationship minus, the resentment. You are
letting go, but not because you hate that person. Yes, you can let go of a
narcissist without hating them.
And detaching with love gives you a chance for closure—at least on your
side of the bargain. The narcissist may not be willing to let go or even
forgive. But you’re doing it anyway, not because you no longer want to
care, but because it is no longer your business.
The first step to detaching with love is to accept and realize that there is
nothing at this point that you can do to help your narcissist. There is no
longer any way you can fix mom.
It is time to accept the fact that you can’t help your narcissist no matter how
hard you try. And now it is time to let go. There is no need for you to step
in, it is time for the narcissist to take responsibility for his or her actions.
That way, they are learning to do something for themselves and you are
now on your way to recovery and healing. It’s the perfect win/win for both
of you.

How to Deal with Narcissistic Rage at

The Narcissists Life
Do not respond to the rage. It will only make things escalate from
there. You will never win the argument no matter what facts you
have on your side. It doesn’t matter.
Do not believe that whatever you tell this person that it will change
their mind. It won’t happen.
Do not use logic or reason when pleading your case. It will only
make it last longer. Your opinion does not matter.
Learn to be calm. Easier said than done, obviously, but so necessary.
This is for your own good. Use centering techniques such as
meditation and mindfulness to help calm your mind down. The
more you get used to it, the better you will be able to handle the rage
when it comes.
 Do not overreact to the rage. He or she wants just that. They are
itching for a fight and want to engage. It keeps you firmly in control
of the narrative as well. This is important for after the rage passes.
They won’t admit fault but will not have something to throw back in
your face later.
Agree with them for the moment. Call it placating, call it whatever,
it doesn’t matter. You are doing what you need to do to get through
the fight in one piece. Also, use tact when you back off. Do not
make it seem like you are simply indulging them. The discussion of
issues can come up later when the dust has settled. Practice doing
something the narcissist is incapable of, empathy. Place yourself in
their shoes. It could prove to be a valuable weapon in your arsenal.
Create distance. If you need to leave the room, go. If you need to
spend the night at a friend’s, do it. Time apart is important and it
will give the rage a chance to pass without further damage being
inflicted.
Speak in an even tone. Keep things under control and do not
threaten him or her or challenge their supposed authority,at least for
the time being.
Time to think. Ask if it is ok to think about what has been said so
that an acceptable solution can be found.
Remember, it isn’t about you. The narcissist has certain perceptions
that are skewed and can’t help it. It is not about what you did or did
not do. Keeping that perspective will help you accomplish the other
things on this list in a much easier way.

Getting Back in the Driver’s Seat

Once you realize who you are dealing with, there are some measures to take
to ensure your overall mental and physical health. You must learn to
practice being more assertive which will make you more confident in your
dealings with the narcissist in your life.
Because NPD personalities are rather difficult to keep a healthy relationship
with, it may be wise to keep some distance from them when possible.
Sometimes this is not wholly possible. In this case, be sure to set your
boundaries when you are in their presence. Recognize when control and
manipulation tactics are being used and be detached by not reacting.
To keep the narcissist from retaliating in such a grand scale, practice less
confrontational methods to communicate. Be sure to do this in a one on one
scenario or with a friend present. Large crowds will backfire on you as the
narcissist will feel more threatened.
If you realize that they are never going to change and let go of any
expectation of this happening, this will be a better mindset in the long run.
They will only change if they choose to after getting to the point of hitting
rock bottom.
Make solid personal goals and plan them to the finest detail with proposed
dates. When you have something to focus on, you will notice when you are
driven off course much more easily. This will reduce the amount of
successful manipulation that can continue to take place.
Be sure to keep a paper trail for the events that need remembering, be it for
your own personal growth or the authorities. Unless you have laws that
allow you to record conversations, refrain from doing so.
Try to remain detached and let anything that the manipulator does just roll
off your back. It may get rather difficult to accomplish this as the narcissist
may become quite brutal in their attacks. Keep the right perspective.
Everything that they do is potential evidence to use in your favor later.
Keep the knowledge that you are dealing with a narcissist close to your
chest, and this will be more beneficial as you will know the tell-tale signs of
control and manipulation techniques. You will be more aware of how not to
get wrapped into the narcissist’s trap.
If you feel like you are being manipulated into a decision, allow yourself to
be able to sleep on the idea. If it is honest, it will still be available for that
short period of time. This will also allow you to be able to think thoroughly
about the situation before you commit yourself, and minimize the chance of
being manipulated into something you really do not want to do.
Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all. If you feel like a narcissist
is being insincere or being manipulative, it would be best to walk away
from the situation without getting emotional. Remember that the narcissist
is looking for an emotional reaction from you. If you are not willing to play
their game, they will eventually not want to play either as they will find
another person for an outlet.
It is best to refrain from calling out the narcissist for their lies and who they
truly are. The backlash from this action would be narcissistic injury of
which the narcissist will lash out in anger or in ways that are detrimental
mentally, physically or psychologically to the person. With the common
lack of morals or emotions, narcissists can certainly be some of the most
vindictive group of people you will come across.
If you are not able to get away from the narcissist in your life, you may end
up needing to just kiss up to them and flatter them. This is what they are
looking for in the long run, and as long as you are aware of who you are
dealing with, you should be able to keep a healthy distance from getting
roped into the narcissist trap. You do not have to go overboard with this
task.
It would be best to give a healthy dose of attention to these people and
make yourself busy otherwise. You must realize that anything that the
narcissist does is not personal as they treat all of the victims that they catch
in the same exact way. Even when it comes to loyalty, they are unable to
not cheat on their primary partner.
 Chapter 3:
Assert credibility

Was It Really an Abusive Relationship?

O ne of the common hurdles we face in the final days of an abusive

relationship and the immediate aftermath is acceptance. Was this really
the abusive situation it suddenly seems, or am I overreacting? Could this
possibly have happened to me? Could this person I loved so deeply and for
so long really be the monster it now seems they are?
Even after you walk away, this feeling often persists. Did I just make a
mistake? Am I being unfair? Should I give them another chance? It comes
from the deepest parts of your heart, fuelled by the love that first cemented
your attachment to your abuser.
That, you see, is why an emotionally abusive relationship can be so
disastrous. Love is a positive emotion, a bond that ties parent to child,
sibling to sibling, friend to friend and, of course, lover to lover. It’s a
beautiful, wonderful part of the human experience, which makes it all the
crueler for your abuser to have used it against you.
Every abusive relationship is different, but there is still an overall range of
symptoms. In your moment of realization, you saw at least one of them,
maybe more. To take on the mantle of survivor – a crown you have very
much owned – you will need to accept what happened to you. Take a look
through this list and see how many of them apply to your situation. Even
one or two can be enough to pin the definition of abuse onto your
relationship.
Your partner was adept at manipulating you into doing things
their way. They knew the right words to say, the right strings to
pull and the right emotions to tap to make you do what they
wanted you to do.
On the flipside, your partner was seldom interested in your
needs or desires and usually squashed them at the very moment
you made them known – unless there was something in it for
themselves. This can sometimes be a difficult one to spot
because abusers can be adept at giving you just enough hope
and happiness to keep you blind to what’s really going on.
Your partner was involved in every life decision you made,
hovering in the corner of your eye, influencing your choices to
make sure you stayed on the path they preferred. This was true
from the littlest of decisions to the biggest – you felt as though
they were inside your mind along with you, altering your
destiny, though at the time it likely felt more akin to “help”
than manipulation.
You were seldom the one choosing the direction of your
relationship. Your partner chose vacation destinations, weekend
activities, even how the chores were divided between you.
Their manipulation made this feel perfectly normal.
You were expected to be and act a certain way to meet the
expectations of your partner. Meeting those standards was
exhausting and most of the time you felt you were falling short,
which pushed you to try even harder to please them.
The relationship was unpredictable, like walking on eggshells.
You were emotionally exhausted a lot of the time from trying to
predict what your partner wanted, and then fulfill it before they
became angry, accusing or “disappointed” with you. You
wanted to make them happy and you wanted to build a loving
and lasting relationship, so this constant chaos spurred you to
work tirelessly to make that happen.
You have changed in countless small ways from the person you
were before. From the way you dress to the way you act in
social settings, your partner slowly molded you into the person
they wanted.
Your partner made you doubt your own memory, your own
conclusions about things, even your sanity itself. They did this
 through lies, misdirection, contradiction, denials and more,
leaving you dizzy and disoriented. It’s known as “gaslighting”,
and the world is only recently waking up to how often it
happens.
Your partner damaged your self esteem and confidence,
needling at you constantly. They criticized you, made you feel
small, told you off like a child when you acted in a way they
didn’t approve of and made you feel that everything was your
fault – and never theirs.
You have been separated from most of the friends and family
you cherish. Slowly, over time, you stopped spending as much
time with them because your partner was working to isolate
you – some, they may have even convinced you to cut out of
your life entirely.
Your partner often used emotional blackmail to get their own
way, using your guilt or fear or even your love for them to get
their own way.
Your partner insisted on sexual contact you didn’t really want,
telling you that you would sleep with them if you really loved
them, complaining you weren’t fulfilling their needs.
A lot of these behaviors are pretty normal, taken on their own. Even in the
healthiest of relationships, there is sometimes turmoil, there are arguments
and criticisms. Most of us, at least sometimes, want to get our own way.
It’s because we can excuse these acts individually that we often dismiss the
bigger picture. We tell ourselves that we’re imagining it, that it’s our own
fault or that it’s just a bad phase. Sometimes, we don’t tell ourselves
anything at all – we simply accept.

Don’t Second-Guess Your Decisions When Dealing with a Narcissist

You don't need to justify yourself to the narcissist. When you interact with a
narcissist, he/she will insist that you explain certain actions and choices that
you have taken. You have to remember that your decisions are in your own
best interests, and you don't owe the narcissist any explanation. Once you
bother to explain yourself to the narcissist, it opens the door for him/her to
then plant the seed of doubt on the decision that you have made with the
intention of making you second guess yourself so that they can regain
control over you. By all means, don't explain yourself. Let them know that
you have already made a decision and that you are not seeking their input
on the matter. It may seem rude, but it’s necessary.
You can be certain that the narcissists will keep pushing for you to explain
things to them. As we have mentioned in the last chapter, the only way to
win a narcissist's game is to avoid playing it altogether. The narcissist will
go out of his/her way to make you think that they are just trying to help, or
that they are just making friendly conversation, but once you take the bait
and offer an explanation for an action you have taken or a decision you
have made, the narcissist will come up with a hundred different questions
and observations, all of which are tailor-made to diminish your conviction.
He/she will tell you it's not in your best interest to do what you are doing,
you are not smart enough or strong enough to do it, or you need their help
to see your plan through.
The narcissist knows that when you start doubting your perceptions and
your convictions, you will have to rely on his/her guidance a lot more and
that will give him/her control over you. When you get to the point where
you don't trust your own judgment, then you will accept the narcissist's
judgment, and he/she will be able to tell you what to do, and how to think
and act at all times.
First, the narcissist will start by telling a blatant lie. Since this is a person
that you have known for a while and you trust to some level, the lie will
throw you off balance, and you will start doubting things that are obvious.
Next, the narcissist will deny things that they said, even if you can prove
that they did. The more vehement their denial, the more you question your
own reality!
The narcissist succeeds in gaslighting you because he/she wears you down
over time. It's easy to think that you are too smart to get gaslighted, but the
fact is that it doesn't happen instantaneously, it happens gradually, and one
day you will wake up and find that you are so far gone. The way it works is
that the narcissist will tell a small lie, stick with it and make you question
your reality a little bit, but then you will decide that it’s too small a lie to
matter, so you will let it slide. The lies will then escalate both in magnitude
and in frequency, and since you let the first one slide, you will have an easy
time doing the same with the subsequent lies, until you get to the point
where it's a norm. So, you shouldn't second guess yourself or let an obvious
lie slide for even a second. Don't let the narcissist desensitize you to his/her
lies.
Narcissists have perfected the art of turning things around to make it sound
like you were the selfish one when it's clear that they are taking advantage
of you. While you are still confused trying to decipher what it is that they
are doing, they will make great strides towards altering your whole reality.
They will also send confusing signals by occasionally acknowledging some
of your claims so that you begin to think that perhaps you were mistaken
about the rest of the claims.

Is There a Future for a Relationship Touched by Narcissism?

What one person is happy to put up with, another person would run away
from. What you need to do, however, is ask yourself whether you’re truly
happy and whether you see a future for the two of you. Never stick with a
narcissistic person if they are making you feel unhappy, belittled, or
questioning your own self-esteem or sanity.
Many men and women stay in narcissistic relationships because they aren’t
sure whether or not they’re imagining it, or whether it’s really happening.
Whenever their partner shows their bad side, they quickly show their good
side not long afterwards; by doing that, they’re keeping the person right
where they want them - not leaving.
In terms of whether there is a future or not, perhaps we should instead be
questioning whether there is a healthy future or not. There is a difference
between a general future and a healthy one. A relationship where one
partner is constantly belittling and dragging down another isn’t healthy,
whether they’re doing it because of a personality disorder or not.
There aren’t that many narcissists who remain in relationships for that long.
The reason is that in the end, the other partner really sees the light and finds
the strength to leave. This doesn’t always happen, and there are instances
where a future could be in the cards, provided the narcissistic partner is able
to realize what they are doing and get help. It does happen, but it doesn’t
happen often.
Whilst we might be painting a bleak picture, it really is a case of looking at
your individual circumstances and deciding what is right for you. There is
no right or wrong answer here.

Can the Narcissist Change?

For most of us with healthy empathetic capacities, shame works as an
uncomfortable but necessary motivator. It’s important to note that shame
isn’t the same as embarrassment or humiliation, which is when shame is
thrust upon you through the opinions and reactions of others; shame, by
contrast, usually comes from within, as a sense that any humiliation or
embarrassment experienced is justified and deserved. When we do
something that is morally reprehensible, we feel guilt and shame in our
physical bodies; these emotions can cause stomach upset, headaches,
shortness of breath, even vision or speech problems in extreme cases. These
sensations are unpleasant because they have to be in order to inspire us to
change, grow, and make wiser, healthier choices in the future.
Of course, an excess of shame can become hard-wired into the brain
through long-term exposure to narcissistic regimes. Narcissists are a
different story, though. They are masters at escaping their own shame,
constantly pawning it off on their victims. Therefore, they rarely experience
the discomfort of shame, and they are unlikely to ever feel inspired to
change or seek out help.
Without ever having to face or process their guilt, they most often feel light
and airy, empowered, and carefree, so long as they never feel their
superiority is being threatened. Therapy will likely seem like a waste of
money and time to them; they are happy with their lifestyles and believe
that people who bother to struggle with processing their own negative
emotions are mostly chumps.
The only time it is reasonable to expect a narcissist to change is if you note
a true effort on their part to engage in self-reflection. If their way of life
isn’t working out for them, they may be personally inspired to question
their behavior patterns, regardless of external impetus to do so. This is a
rare scenario, but it certainly isn’t beyond the realm of possibility. There are
some, though, who would argue that this thought process implies a severe
infestation of fleas, rather than an actual personality disorder.
Ultimately, in order for a narcissist to heal and change, they'll have to grow
comfortable with accepting responsibility for their own actions. Since they
are well practiced at avoiding such responsibility and are generally only
motivated to do things which benefit them, they would have to be inspired
to change as a way to improve their lives and feel better. The difficult
practice of self-reflection may need to be framed as a means to a glorious
end in order for a narcissist to even consider engaging meaningfully.
Most narcissists that seek therapy are often brought to the realization that
they need help by someone close to them, such as a parent or spouse or
close friend. There needs to be a genuine actualization within them that has
shed light on the consequences of their narcissism to those around them and
indeed on themselves. They need a push, a shove, and a kick in order to
seek help - their stubbornness or lack of acknowledging their narcissism can
often get in the way of this and impair their ability, or rather their newly-
acquired need for help. Narcissists need to feel a sense of fear, something
that will affect them negatively if they do not seek help, such as their loved
one leaving them or, if you're their employer, fired from their job.
A narcissist can get help through therapeutic approaches, such as schema
therapy (the process whereby the narcissist revisits past events where an
alternative response could have been made and positively affected that
respective situation and allows the narcissist to go back and rewrite that part
of their life through revealing their true, vulnerable self), or by seeking help
through a therapist. A therapist offers a base for the narcissist to talk openly
and the therapist, in turn, should be invulnerable to the charismatic ways of
the narcissist.
Therapy in itself does not imply that the narcissist is alone in these sessions;
his or her partner could also be seeking help in ways to deal with the
narcissistic partner while actively looking for ways in which to better and
strengthen their relationship.
With this said, though some narcissists are willing to change, most are not.
Why? Because, upon the layer of "nostalgia", lies a deep, deep deniability
to doing anything wrong or to behaving in an off-emotional manner towards
people. They are incapable of admitting to this. Though, in certain
situations, they are able to see that change is needed when they have done
something that, even to them, has crossed a line. They realize that their
behavior has become mentally unavoidable and they make the decision to
take steps forward through therapy.
 Chapter 4:
Show them the benefits

Acknowledgment

W hen we are dealing with a narcissist whose opinion seems to be the

only one that “should be taken into account,” we can simply
acknowledge the narcissist, thank them for their opinion, and then to make
sure that we have made certain that they seem sure that we appreciate their
opinion. We can thank them and do whatever we want with that
information. By acknowledging the narcissist’s opinion, we have navigated
a safer route around the definite feeling of scorn that would have otherwise
been directed towards us by the narcissist. By doing this we have been the
“adult” in the situation and have seemingly heightened the narcissist’s self-
esteem by making them think that we will use their advice and suggestions,
even though to a degree we will not be taking it into consideration.
Avoiding the conflict which comes from challenging the narcissist’s opinion
allows us to show an interest in what the narcissist has said.

Understanding
While acknowledging a narcissist implies that we listen and do not take
their comments into consideration; understanding the narcissist means we
are actually listening to them and taking into account what they have said.
Understanding is a little bit more complex. Though this tactic can usually
save us from the wrath of the narcissist, understanding their opinion takes a
little more nous. We need to make sure that we let them know that we value
them, and then listen to what they have said, keenly listening until, from
underneath all that self-absorbed theory, we can piece together our own
picture of what they have said. This can be entirely frustrating, but it is
something that we should do sometimes. Behind their mask is someone
who has gotten to the top quickly, despite stepping on everyone to get there.
Often, when we dissect what they have said and omitted the spotlight fever
connotations, we can actually get a clear picture of what they are talking
about, thus meaning that the advice they have given can actually be applied
to a certain situation in which we are going through. For instance, when
someone with NPD explains their success in such detail, as they usually do,
we hear bits and pieces of information which makes us think, “Hang on a
minute. That is actually quite sound advice.” Yes, the underlying argument
is how they are so successful or how they did some amazing thing over the
weekend, but somewhere in that mix is something useful. Understanding
the narcissist is a heat-deflector and grudge-deflator.

Staying Calm
If you are not a person who can easily deal with a narcissist, then staying
calm is by far the most difficult practice for you when they start going on
about this and that. It irks you, creates this massive bubble of steaming
water that wants to spill over. We all have been there, don’t worry. It is that
feeling when what they have said is so mean or just dumbfounding that we
ball up our fists, sigh, smile, and nod our heads; that frustration that is about
to explode; the emotion of complete and utter anger that fills us and
consumes us. But we can deal with that emotion. It takes time to perfect it,
but staying calm, especially when the narcissist you are around is persistent
in his or her presentation of themselves, can be a life-changing tool in being
at peace with the situation or interaction. Sure, it is extremely difficult, but
accepting that situation or interaction with the narcissist and then finding a
small piece of calm within you can certainly go a long way. For instance, a
narcissist starts explaining all that you did wrong, whether this narcissist is
someone at work or your loved one, and you become awash with anger, but
know how the narcissist will react. Do you shout and go off and get
nowhere with the narcissist or do you try your best to stay calm, listen, and
then just move on? Everybody snaps eventually and that is our human
nature, our survival instincts kicking in. It is a normal reaction. It is the
pressure building up and our tempers becoming unhinged. But, we do need
to be aware that by arguing with or retorting back at a narcissist only affects
you and not them.

Try Not to Take the Narcissist’s Actions Personally

To the narcissist, it’s never actually about you. To him or her, you are a
pawn in a mind game that they are playing, and if you weren’t there, they
would be doing the exact same thing to someone else. Of course, this
doesn’t make their abuse less painful, but at least it clarifies things for you.
It means that your suffering isn’t a result of any wrongdoing on your part.
When your relationship or your association with a narcissist finally goes
south (as it is bound to do), you are going to start wondering how this
person that you have known and trusted could have morphed into an
entirely different and means a person who you don't recognize at all. You
will start thinking that maybe you did something to deserve their anger and
their animosity. In your mind, you will feel that there has to be a rational
explanation for what has happened. There is, of course, a psychological
explanation for the things that are happening — but you can rest assured
that you didn't play a part in making those things happen. They were just
meant to happen, and they were never truly within your control.
The narcissist isn't hurting you or targeting you for a personal reason. You
have nothing to do with it. The narcissist acts the way he/she does because
that is the nature of the beast. It may seem callous, but it's true. The
narcissist targeted you because you just happened to cross his/her path, or
you just happened to be in their life.
If you have a narcissistic parent, you will realize that he/she treats both you
and your siblings with the same level of narcissism (it may vary at different
times, but everyone gets their share of abuse over the years). If you are in a
relationship with a narcissist, you can be certain that he/she treated his/her
former lovers the same way. In other words, the narcissist is an equal
opportunity torturer.
This information doesn’t make the suffering that you endured under the
narcissist any less painful, but it has several important implications for you.
First, it means that there is nothing wrong with you and that there is nothing
that you did to deserve what the narcissist has done to you. Many people
take the abuse of narcissists because they get accustomed to the suffering,
and they start internalizing the idea that they might have done something to
set off the abuse. Most narcissists will try to blame you for lots of things, so
if you let them, they can easily convince you that you have done something
to deserve the suffering.
The second implication here is that there is absolutely nothing that you
could have done to control the actions of the narcissists because those are
his/her natural tendencies. Many people stay in abusive relationships with
narcissists because they harbor the false belief that they can change them.
Now that you know the narcissist's actions aren't personal, you understand
that there is no way you can control those actions, so it's futile to believe
that you can change a narcissist. That should clear your conscience and
make it easy for you to end the relationship or the association with the
narcissist (if you can).
The third implication is that the failure of your relationship with a narcissist
isn't a commentary on your ability to give or receive love (the relationship
was doomed to fail from the very beginning). So, as you leave, and as you
move on, you shouldn't carry the baggage from that relationship onto the
next one. The only thing you should bring along with you is your newfound
ability to spot a narcissist from a mile away.
Don't delude yourself into thinking that the narcissist actually cares about
you because what's happening is completely and utterly impersonal. We
have mentioned that some narcissists are seducers, and they can make you
feel like you are the center of the universe when they are looking to
manipulate you. When this happens, it can be very tempting to ignore your
instincts and everything you have learned so far about narcissists, but you
have to stay strong and retain your rationality.

What you should do if “he needs to change” but seems to be fine with
mediocrity.
A narcissist needs to want to change. There needs to be that moment in
which they realize that they have done wrong. However, the decision to
change needs to be true to the narcissist's personality: centered solely on
them. The decision to change needs to be one that is such that it makes the
narcissist feel almost compelled to seek help because of that compulsive
inhibition that we call "drive". The people who are deeply involved in the
life of the narcissist need to know that they cannot simply guilt the
narcissist into changing; that does not work and it becomes more and more
frustrating for the person involved when what they are pleading goes
straight over the narcissistic person's head. You will feel hurt by this.
However, as mentioned, the decision is solely the narcissist's decision.
Expecting a narcissist to change will not benefit anybody. The realization
that change is needed needs to be selfish and backed by that motivation and
ambition to change for the better - they need to want to change for
themselves by themselves. This can often create an atmosphere of enraged
betrayal within the narcissist that you want them to change; remember, they
are the ones who always want you to change. Their defensive mechanisms
whir and spin out of control and you have lost the battle with them before it
has even begun.
A narcissist is a lone wolf and they view change as unnecessary, or maybe
even a little bit stupid, due to the image they have portrayed of themselves
in their heads. And this can be said to be a pattern that is continuously
played out through habitual idealization. These are just patterns in behavior
that become their identity which the narcissist identifies themselves with;
and with this, because they are a part of these patterns, they automatically
shift erratic and harsh traits and incorporate them, until this behavior is a
deep part of their personality.
Trying to change a narcissist does not work, as we know, without them
seeing the need to change. Trying to plead with them to change is only
going to exert more energy from you and leave you more confused and
more upset. A narcissist simply does not know that they are acting in a
negative manner or exhibiting negative behavior, and telling them that they
are will only fall upon deaf ears. They do not see the desire to change
because they feel their uniqueness and special, god-like existence is reason
enough not to change. And they won't.
This can often leave you frustrated, but we need to remember that a
narcissist was just born that way or raised in a way that made them that
way. If there is no reason that stimulates the motivation and desire to
change, they will continue as they are.

Behavioral Changes & Consequences

A narcissist can only change when they understand the consequences of
their reactions and responses and know that they have crossed the line. A
narcissist needs to open up in order to feel the consequences of their
reactions. With that said, it needs to be felt emotionally for the effect of
those consequences to be realized. Bluntly, the narcissist doesn't really
understand why you feel that they need to change and subsequently do not
listen to your qualms about them. They believe they are flawless and
faultless and because of the distress, confusion and false praise they may
have gone through or gotten during childhood, has created this protective
shield which enshrouds them and encases them in a type false emotional
identity. This is a consequence of upbringing. This is fact. But what we can
also look at is the level at which a narcissist feels pain. Often, despite being
sensitive underneath, they are immune emotionally to feelings, concerns,
complaints, accusations, and finger-pointing.
The negative behavior that was externalized by physical infliction on
someone else could have been the wake-up call that they needed in order to
realize and then open themselves up to the realm of possible change.
The narcissist needs to be steadfast in his or her dedication to take the step
forward to change and embrace that change. They need to believe they need
to change. The feeling to change their negative or abusive behavior can be
fleeting so it must be acted on. Narcissism is a medical disorder and it is
easy for us to forget that the people it affects have been that way for many,
many years and will inevitably struggle in their cause. However, with the
correct help, suitable to them, change can take place. Baby steps. It is
important for us - as those involved with the narcissist - that every step in
the right direction is a small win in which they should be praised with such
subtlety. Even though narcissists are over-confident individuals, when they
are actively making an effort to change, we should embrace this and be with
them to show them that we appreciate their hard and exhausting work.
A narcissist who is trying to change should be willing to look at their
characteristics – be it their emotional responses, reactions, things they say,
or how they act. This is where decision-making comes in and it is such an
important part in finding that change they want to go through and
experience. However, when conducting interviews with a few narcissists
who did change for the better, they mentioned the anxiety that they felt, and
the pressure of trying to change who they are.
For people with narcissism, there are many decisions to make; problems to
be solved, which possible outcome is best for them, and how it affects them.
This type of decision-making can cause high levels of stress and
unnecessary pressure based on making whatever decision that you have to
make. This - it can be said - causes anxiety or anxious behavior and can be
quite harmful to the person. Sometimes making decisions has the ability to
tire an individual to the point of exhaustion, such is the power of thought
and the gripping stress over them. It is difficult and it is hard, and some
anxiety that comes from decision-making can either be rational - clear
short-term to long-term solution - or irrational - hastily-made short-term
solution that can have adverse effects on the long-term perspectives,
relationships, and well-being of the individual suffering from narcissism.

Regaining Self-Control
Self-control is a key factor in maintaining a clear state of mind, and a
narcissistic person needs to be able to utilize it when they are trying to
change their behavior.
Having self-control if you are a narcissist is as paramount as any success
that you can have. Often, their inhibitions can have negative aspects to
them, and if they are in a state of emotional turmoil and thinking
irrationally, they can lose all self-control, change back, and succumb to
these negative inhibitions that they may have harbored deep within them.
Regaining self-control is often difficult to do but it is not impossible to do.
We all go through times where we lose it a bit and need to somehow cool
down, cool off, realign our minds and become our old selves again. The
best way to do this is to find something that can calm you down; this could
be a hobby, a hike, anything that relates and touches you in a way that it can
allow you to immerse yourself into that form of relaxation and switch off.
Regaining self-control needs serious tact, a quick change of direction, and
the ability to stop in times of aggressively-charged or emotionally-charged
behavior towards something or someone. Stopping, as an ideology in
narcissism, may be insanely difficult to do; when they are enraged by
something or someone they feel this animated pull of gravity, centering
themselves - anchoring - to this one situation and become so infallibly
blinded that they become, furthermore, a part of their narcissism and cannot
see anything clearly. Narcissists see in singular paradigms, but those that
are changing themselves emotionally can start seeing other emotion, other
peoples’ emotion.
By regaining self-control, a narcissist can effectively stop when things pull
them so far down that there doesn't seem like there is any way back up. By
stopping, they allow themselves choices; choices to stabilize, realign,
refocus, see and realize how they affect people. This in part can bring them
up to the surface of clarified thinking; the way in which they will be able to
see the world and people in both the singular format and from the peripheral
point-of-view.
How to communicate with a narcissist
The hardest task of being in a relationship with a narcissist is possibly
communicating with them and telling them what you need or want. Their
illness stops them from compromising and fuels them to always find ways
to win. If you are going to break up or divorce a narcissist, expect it to be
even more difficult than usual.
Narcissists live on the reactions of their victims. They enjoy watching their
victims stress out on whatever they say or do. This makes it a must for
victims to be educated about dealing with narcissists, so they can empower
themselves and heal over time. You might eventually see how pitiful these
narcissists are behind their scathing words and angst.
If you are in the process of breaking free from the claws of a narcissist, the
safest thing for you to do is not to engage them. It is useless arguing with
them when all the arguments thrown back and forth will conclude in favor
of him or her.
For those who need to co-exist as parents, zero engagement may not be
possible. However, it helps if you limit your communication and showcase
of emotions when dealing with the narcissist. Don’t tire yourself out by
trying to reason with an unreasonable, narcissistic person.

The Narcissist’s Awareness

Narcissists are notoriously stubborn and difficult to get through to. Their
lack of empathy and grandiose behaviors can make it hard for them to really
understand the wider impact of their behaviors beyond just getting what
they want when they want it. Sometimes, through raising the narcissist’s
awareness of what she is doing and how it is causing problems, you can
begin to improve their behaviors. Rarely, they will be willing to improve
themselves, especially if they are relatively low in narcissistic traits, or they
are borderline narcissistic but do not have a diagnosis. Those who are more
narcissistic by nature will likely be much more disagreeable about the
process and less willing to even entertain the idea that they are not perfect
exactly the way they are. Remember, narcissists typically lack normal self-
awareness and see the world through a distorted lens. It will take plenty of
patience to raise the narcissist’s awareness, and if you feel like it is too
much for you, there is no shame in saying you cannot handle it.
Willing Interactions
For those few narcissists who are willing to improve themselves or
recognize their shortcomings, discussions of problematic behavior can be
quite useful. Just as you would take a child aside to discuss why it is not
okay to behave a certain way, you can also tactfully discuss why something
the narcissist is doing is more hurtful. Remember, narcissists have fragile
egos, so tact is of the utmost importance.
For example, if the narcissist has a tendency to seek perfection and you
suspect a schema of unrelenting standards, you may look for ways that you
notice the narcissist succeeding and comment on them. When you notice
the narcissist begin to nitpick at himself or other people, pointing out flaws,
it could be acceptable to gently remind the narcissist that small flaws will
not be a problem. Point out that perfection, while a fantastic concept, is
rarely ever a goal that is productive, and comment on how you have noticed
how harsh he is on himself and others. Identify that no one is really
comfortable with the insistence of flawless and that his expectations make it
difficult to work. By identifying the problem you and your coworkers may
have, you have provided some awareness to the narcissist, so he recognizes
that part of his behavior is problematic. By providing him with praise, you
may challenge one of his schema’s rules. This sort of conversation repeated
over time can be beneficial to the narcissist, and may even ultimately
challenge the schema enough for him to relent, even if only a little.
By pointing out his unwarranted harshness toward himself, you begin to
plant the seed of the idea that perfection is not necessary. He may have
developed these unrelenting standards due to a childhood of strict
adherence to perfection, and could have been punished unfairly when they
were not met. It is important to remember to treat the narcissist with the
same grace you would use for a child still learning how to interact with the
world. Do not feel discouraged or irritated if you have to continue to gently
guide the narcissist toward the idea that less than perfect can still be
successful.
It can also be useful to discuss with the narcissist that his actions can make
him come across as harsh, or make people prefer to avoid him. This hangs
another carrot in front of the narcissist: Attention. Narcissists crave positive
attention and admiration, so the idea that being a little less unrelenting may
bring more of that attention could be a fantastic motivator.
Unknowing Interactions
More often than not, the narcissist is not open to consciously correcting
their behavior. True to their diagnosis, they are unwilling or unable to
acknowledge that they may have any sort of a problem. If you were to
approach them and say that something they are doing is a problem, they
would likely explode at you, unleashing their narcissistic rage at you
because you have just become a challenge to their distorted worldview. It is
easier to chase you away than to accept that their view is flawed. With these
people, much more tact is necessary.
Much like how you noticed the narcissist’s unrelenting standards in the
previous section, you should also look for the unwilling narcissist’s
schemas. Perhaps they have a tendency to distrust others, and because of
that distrust, they are quick to accuse others around them as the problem,
and constantly sabotaging relationships because they would rather be alone
than vulnerable to others. This makes them especially difficult to work
with, and you often find yourself unhappy when work requires you to
interact with them.
Rather than accepting the narcissist’s haughty attitude, you can use their
distrustful nature to your advantage; always follow through with what you
offer to do, even if it is met with ungratefulness. If you offer to bring them a
coffee, follow through with it, even if they accuse you of doing it to get
them to do more of the work. They are distrustful of you because you have
not given them a reason to trust you. If you offer to go over their paperwork
to check for errors before submitting a group project for work, do it and
make sure to sandwich any criticism between praises of things that are
working well in the project. This not only lessens the blow to their ego, but
makes them feel less like you are intentionally trying to hurt them when you
have more compliments than criticisms.
No matter what, you need to avoid affirming their rule of avoiding trusting
people. Even when it is difficult, it is imperative that you try your hardest to
follow through with everything you say you will do. Even if you have been
making good progress, a single slip up could send all of that progress down
the drain.
Over time, through plenty of diligence and working with the narcissist’s
traits instead of being offended and affirming the maladaptive schemas, you
will begin to tear the schemas down. Eventually, they may recognize that
you are not out to get them and are genuinely trying to help. When the
narcissist is unwilling to admit fault, it is important to let the narcissist
arrive at that conclusion without you saying it, making it their decision
rather than them feeling as if they are bowing down to someone else.

Care and Practice

Ultimately, when trying to raise a narcissist’s awareness of his disordered
behavior, you must learn their schemas to the best of your ability and take
special care to control the triggers that make the narcissist feel a need to act
upon their schemas. Their schemas are poor attempts at coping with stress
and discomfort, and remembering that can help you remember to have the
compassion and understanding that the narcissist is not necessarily trying to
hurt you, but is acting true to his nature. Understanding the narcissist’s core
self and recognizing it as their attempt to control the world to protect
himself can help you remember that it is important to avoid known triggers
if it is practical or reasonable. Think of this as knowing not to poke the
sleeping bear, no matter how tempting it may be.
While you should never goad the narcissist into known behaviors by using
their known triggers, you should also never force yourself to walk on
eggshells around them. If the only reasonable answer to a situation is
something that may trigger the narcissist, then that is understandable. Do
your best to control the triggers, but do not dedicate your life to constantly
placating the narcissist, as this will only feed into their sense of entitlement.
While taking care to avoid triggers when possible, you should also practice
techniques that help establish a healthy relationship and create positive
interactions between yourself and the narcissist. As discussed earlier,
remember that working with the narcissist’s schemas can help you begin to
develop a more meaningful relationship built upon trust that you will not
hurt them the way they have been hurt in the past. They may begin to
recognize that you are there as support rather than as another adversary
wanting to tear them down, and you may find their behavior becoming
healthier and more productive as they have less and less reason to use their
maladaptive schemas to cope with stress.

How to have compassion for a narcissist

It may not be easy to feel compassion for a person who has bullied you,
abused you, and treated you like dirt, but narcissists still need compassion.
Granted, they may use it against you if you are not careful, but your loved
ones who happen to be narcissists will need all the support that they can get
as they try to live with their disorder.
Narcissists may have an idea that what they are doing isn’t right, but their
lack of empathy won’t let them do anything about it. They might not even
fully understand the impacts of their negative behaviors. They would not
know how to spot the problem, let alone, solve it, because they know that
they do not exist to cater to the world, but it is the other way around.
Compassion for their dilemma, by understanding the origin of their real
negative behavior, can help you get through life with them.
While you are struggling with feeling compassion for a narcissistic person,
don’t forget about showing compassion for yourself. You are the one
suffering the most right now. You might feel frustrated about not being able
to do enough and about all the mistakes that you committed in the past. Feel
that compassion for yourself by acknowledging the fact that you lived in a
world where the narcissist was the center of everything.
Even narcissists need compassion because not all of them are monsters or
behaving like one. You may try to heal your emotional pain by detaching
yourself emotionally from the narcissist in your life. However, this does not
mean that you can ignore that person. How are you any different from
narcissists if you continue to ignore them? Remember all the good things
that the person did for you to make it easier to feel compassion towards
them.

What to expect from a narcissist?

Dealing with a narcissistic spouse or partner means that every day could be
a challenge. However, it helps if you know what to expect from them, so
you won’t end up disappointed.
A narcissistic spouse does not have any respect for you and your marriage.
They might even encourage talks against you, gossip about you, and fool
you into believing that he or she is in love with you.
Promises are actually made to be broken, all the time. Narcissists make
them, but will likely not honor them. When you confront them about it, they
will vehemently deny it. They might even feel indignant by saying how
dare you for thinking that they did something wrong by forgetting their
promise. They might even blame you and your “high standards” for the fact
that they failed to realize their promise.
Narcissistic spouses will only do something if they know they can get
something out of it. They won’t mow the lawn, wash the dishes, or run
errands for you if they know that these things will not be appreciated or
rewarded. They always want to be credited for everything that they do. If it
goes unnoticed, prepare to listen to their ranting about it.
Humility is definitely out of reach. As mentioned before, their first priority
will always be themselves. They are not even ashamed of being selfish and
feeling entitled.
They do not recognize boundaries. Narcissists are used to crossing personal
boundaries if it means getting to their goal. It could be to hurt you or
another person and they won’t apologize for it.
Narcissists are not capable of loving and caring. They do have feelings, but
these are all based on certain conditions. Usually, they will show the
motions of loving you if they know that you can boost their ego by
supporting their grandiose view of themselves. If you disagree with them,
then don’t expect them to show their fake love and warmth.

How to end a fight with a narcissist

Fighting with a narcissist is more than just engaging a regular opponent.
Narcissists are fueled by their fear and paranoia, especially when they tend
to assume that other people think and behave the same way that they do.
They would think that other people also ridicule and judge them, abandon
them, and cheat on them, because these are the things that they actually do.
The worst thing about this is that all these fears are based solely on their
imagination. Their disorder makes them behave this way. In many cases,
this behavior is not based on the behavior of their past or current partners.
They are convinced that other people would treat them the way they treat
others.
The truth is no one wants to follow in their footsteps because of how rotten
their behavior and personality is. They might even be losing friends and
family in the process as narcissism eats them up over time.
Still, it is hard to fight with them or to even try to talk sense into them
because they have already led themselves to believe in something beyond
reality. If you have unintentionally started a fight with them, it might be
better for you to disengage now. Leave them alone to reflect on some things
in their life. This might help them realize that they are the cause of their
own failure in life.

How to love a narcissist

Do you think you will ever be ready to deal with a narcissist, let alone love
one? You can’t do anything much about having narcissistic parents or
siblings, and you may not have that much control to resist your love for a
future spouse or partner.
Narcissists are actually easy to love. They are charming, successful,
beautiful, and charismatic. They know how to use compliments to draw
people in, show their apparent interest in you, and set the trap with their
exciting and intellectual conversations. But beware, once you’re in their
trap, you have to deal with their selfishness, criticisms, demands, and
offhand remarks. Your relationship will be all about them and their needs
and it is up to you to cater to those needs.
At the start of a relationship, you might be basking under the confident aura
of a narcissist. But it won’t be long before you have to contend with their
unpredictable moods, attacks, imaginary slights, and indignation. It is at this
point in the relationship when you might start having doubts about your
love for that person. If the narcissist is getting worse, you might even
decide to get out of that relationship right away.
Eventually, you will lose yourself and your confidence in the middle of the
relationship. The narcissist will ruin that for you by constantly pointing out
your shortcomings and not forgetting about it at the dinner table either.
Many narcissists are perfectionists, possibly due to the thought that they can
do no wrong themselves. That’s why they don’t know how to appreciate
your efforts or acknowledge them. If you confront them about it, you might
have to deal with their rage and hurt. They are highly sensitive people,
especially when you are giving them criticisms.
Narcissists do not see you as an individual with a life of your own. Instead,
you are simply someone who exists to cater to their whims. They might not
even pay attention to your condition as long as they are set out to get what
they need from you. They expect to be entitled to constant love, care,
praise, and service. They also expect for you to know how to please them.
Another thing that you ought to remember about them is that they don’t
react well to a “no.” They are used to getting a “yes.” They would even
react negatively when you try to set boundaries. Narcissists have also
mastered the art of manipulating people, in a way that you will feel
absolutely guilty for denying them of their request. They can make you feel
useless and not worth their attention if you start going against them. Prepare
to accept all the blame and punishments and the lack of love, care, and
attention once you start to say no to them.
Compassion is the key towards learning how to love a narcissist. Just think
about how they didn’t choose their disorder and the way they behave. As
you learn to see beyond their negative behavior, you will see their
vulnerability deep inside.

Avoid exposing them

Exposing the narcissist and getting the “truth” out for all to see can be
appealing and feels like the right thing to do. You may think this is the best
solution for them, you and anyone else involved - that they will suddenly
see clearly and take responsibility for changing their behavior. Forget about
being right for a moment and bringing the truth to light.
Pointing out that the narcissist is not as wonderful as think they are can
result in a huge backlash, that you then must be around, and may not be
able to escape. They are not ever going to agree with you, as they are tied to
their elevated identity. Rather than changing their minds, they will be more
likely to simply despise you for your opinions.
Narcissists can also be extremely vindictive. If you burst their bubble, they
will regroup, and may well come back to make you pay. They may “rally
the troops” and loyal fans that they have and turn others against you
through whatever means they see as necessary. If the narcissist is in a
position of power over you, this can be an especially dangerous place to be.

Admire and listen to them

Being amenable is probably the most passive technique that you can take.
As long as you are not already on the narcissist’s “naughty list,” it can be
really effective at pulling you through difficult times until you reach calmer
waters or are able to end the relationship. Clinical psychologist Al
Bernstein suggests that remaining quiet and allowing the narcissist to come
up with reasons to congratulate themselves is easy, effortless and requires
nothing more than listening and looking interested.
Admiring them, their achievements, and qualities as much as they do can be
a fast route into their “good books.” So long as you avoid getting too close,
this position in their good books can allow you to maintain a happier status
quo with the narcissist still in your life.

Don’t reject them

Rejecting a narcissist, whether in reality or in their perception, is likely to
make them feel incredibly hurt or angry - as it causes a deep narcissistic
injury. A jilted lover may feel a great deal of pain when the source of their
affection no longer wants them. So too a narcissist feels deeply aggrieved
when a source of narcissistic supply - or anyone else for that matter -
decides that they are not “good enough.”
Being too busy or not having a good enough reason to deny their request for
your company or collaboration can easily be taken to heart, and result in an
unexpectedly intense response. It’s best to give them a legitimate reason
that is beyond your control than to show that you’re choosing to reject
them. Being too busy to meet or see them is best if your reason is
irrefutable, like having to work late to meet a specific deadline, attend an
important wedding, or you are booked onto a vacation or trip elsewhere.

Avoid showing weaknesses or needs, and give them an “out” when they
attack
If you show a narcissist what it is that makes you vulnerable, or what it is
that you really want, they may at some point use it against you when they
want to manipulate you. Narcissists will frequently learn what it is that you
want most from them and set about denying it so that you are in a constant
state of “need.” If a narcissistic mother does this, she may control her
children through their neediness for her love. The same goes for a romantic
partner. They’ll ration your supply of what you enjoy most from them to
keep you controllable and pliable.
If they know your greatest concerns or fears they may leverage these to
manipulate you. They may even use you as a distraction from their own
inner turmoil when they are experiencing crashing self-esteem, by needling
you on your points of weakness, to make themselves feel strong again.
You can give them the opportunity to stop playing manipulative games by
offering them an “out” such as: “You’re being uncharacteristically
pessimistic today. You’re usually such an optimist. Is there anything
wrong?” In doing so, you call them to return to their “higher state of glory”
without continuing their attack. Subconsciously they may even be aware
that you successfully navigated their manipulation and decide to give you a
wider berth in the future, or that they need to keep you on their side.
If the attack is particularly vicious or nasty, avoiding emotions but
maintaining a cool, calm and empathetic approach can work well to bring
them back around. Whether you believe it or not, providing them with an
excuse that effectively excuses their behavior will be much appreciated - as
it helps them to avoid a crushing sense of shame and subsequent denial
loops, and simply feel that they are understood and forgiven. You may even
be surprised to find that this approach results in a voluntary concession and
what may seem like the beginnings or a more responsible approach, but this
is not something that should be anticipated or expected.

How to stop someone being a narcissist

Essentially, if someone is being unhealthily narcissistic, it is up to them to
notice and correct their behavior, rather than anyone else to point it out to
them and risk the backlash from a narcissistic injury. Healthy narcissism
may work well, but it is important that it does not develop into a
dependence on approval and attention to an extreme degree in the long-run.
Happily, we believe that narcissists are able to change the ways in which
they see the world, but that this rarely happens. This is because, in the case
of narcissists, many will live perpetually unaware or in denial of their
skewed lens, and will never attempt to improve it.
To overcome narcissism, a first step is to recognize the role of addiction to
narcissistic supply and stop attempting to secure it. Accepting that being
ordinary is okay is essential, and that no matter what successes or failures
life brings,a person can never become more than just a personequal to
everyone else. The urge to stand out from the crowd needs to be quashed.
If it’s impossible to stop supplying the ego, then aligning this need with a
positive cause can at least make a difference in the world. Like any
addiction, fighting it can be extremely difficult, and overcoming it whilst
still being intoxicated is highly unlikely to happen. Rather than fighting to
remain in control of narcissism, the narcissist must take responsibility for
starving it and going “cold turkey,” as with any alcoholic or drug addict.
 Chapter 5:
Give them proof

Verify Any and All Claims That the Narcissist Makes

N arcissists are natural experts at lying. That is because they have learned
to rationalize their lying, and they no longer feel any guilt the way
ordinary people do when they mislead others. The next time the narcissist
makes an outrageous claim, especially if it’s about a mutual friend, take
time to investigate the claim. Trust your own judgment about the person
that the narcissist is making accusations against.
The most hardened narcissists could even pass polygraph tests while telling
blatant lies because they are so adept at lying, that there is no cognitive
dissonance that could cause a spike in their vitals. Some psychologists have
come up with the hypothesis that narcissists lie about 80 to 90 percent of
the time, and they even lie about petty and inconsequential things.
Narcissists will only tell the truth when it benefits them.
To be safe, you have to treat every story you hear from the narcissist with a
lot of skepticism. You have to start with the assumption that everything is a
lie until you prove otherwise. As you do your reality check, here are some
things that you need to pay attention to in order to figure out what the actual
facts are and what the narcissist is lying about:
If the narcissist casts him/herself as some kind of hero in the story, you can
rest assured that you are being lied to. We have already discussed how the
narcissist has an overinflated ego, so as he/she creates a fictional story to
manipulate you, he/she won't be able to resist the urge to be the hero in the
story. If a narcissist tells you that a friend of yours was talking ill about you,
he/she will claim to have been your only advocate in that conversation.
In an attempt to seem heroic and superior, the narcissist will also come up
with stories about meeting (or being friends) with famous people, going to
exotic places, or being an instrumental part of some groundbreaking
accomplishment that you may be vaguely familiar with. These stories are
often unprompted or out of topic, but the narcissist will bend over
backwards to make them seem relevant to the conversation that you are
having.
As they try to manipulate you, one thing many narcissists tend to do is try
to make themselves your best friend.So if the narcissist accuses a friend you
have known for years of things that are clearly out of character, you should
know that not only is he/she lying to you, it’s likely that he/she is also
telling similar lies about you to your friend in order to drive a wedge
between the two of you.
In many cases, narcissists will also spin stories to cast themselves as
victims, even though they are the actual perpetrators. When a narcissist gets
in trouble with a third party, he/she will come to you telling stories about
being wronged, being treated unfairly, and how he/she went out of the way
to be the bigger person. Even if you were there and you witnessed the
whole thing, you will find the narcissist trying to convince you that things
didn't go down as you thought and that you were the one who didn't pay
enough attention.
If you catch a narcissist doing something wrong, he/she may also try to get
out of the situation by spinning a story about how he/she was messed up as
a child or in a past relationship and that his/her bad behavior is a
consequence of past traumatic events. The narcissist may try to get you to
empathize with him/her by saying how he/she has been working on this one
weakness and how you shouldn't give up on him/her. This kind of lie often
works in a relationship in which you already feel invested. That kind of
“confession” can make anyone seem endearing.
If a narcissist tells you that he is coming from a dark place, he is sorry, and
he is on a journey to change his life, you should be greatly alarmed. If you
let the narcissist off the hook because of a story like that, he is going to use
the same story over and over again, and the more times you let it go, the
harder it would be for you to take a different stance in the future.
When narcissists spin a story, they are going to inject a few half-truths into
that story to make it seem more credible to you. You should be keen to note
if the narcissist adds "facts" into the story, including places you are familiar
with, days you vaguely recall, or people you used to know. The intention is
to make you more inclined to believe him/her. You should pay attention to
the unnecessary details that the narcissist throws into the story, and the
detail he/she brings to your attention with a bit of emphasis. Then, if you
can, fact-check those details. More often than not, they are all lies.

It Is Okay to Say No
It is easy for us to fall back into our old ways and to even allow the
narcissist back into our lives. This is especially difficult not to do because
of the attachment and love we feel towards them. But when they initiate a
conversation, we must remember our boundaries. We must remember how
hard we are working in order to heal. We can listen to their sob story but we
must not allow them back in. Remember why you are trying to heal.
Experiencing what you did again will be detrimental to your mental health.
We must remove our own emotions from the new way of thinking in which
we are currently trying our best to see through to the end.
We have to understand that a narcissist operates in the singular with such
fanaticism that they do not care about what we are feeling. The only reason
they want you back in their life is because they know you are vulnerable
and they want to exploit this. This is a common factor with narcissistic
mothers and their daughters.
However, in terms of the much broader narcissist spectrum, we must learn
to say "no". Saying no is quite possibly the most important tool in the
human vocabulary. No means no and should remain so. Do not take the
advances of the narcissist with that attachment. Detachment from that
relationship is why you are healing and to do otherwise would jeopardize
all that you have accomplished so far in your healing process.
It is hard to say no, but once we learn to say no, we can successfully build
on our new emotional foundations to find that growth that comes from
healing. It is important to be who you want to be and to continue your
journey of self-discovery in order to heal.
 Chapter 6:
Make a promise

The most important thing you need to do now so you don’t remain
stuck in indecision.

Y ou have to get away from the narcissist because staying is not good for
you in the long-run. However, there are situations where the narcissist
in question is a vital part of your life, and it’s utterly impractical for you to
leave him/her completely. For instance, he/she could be a spouse with
whom you have kids, a family member, or a colleague in your department.
In such cases, you can try to put as much distance between the two of you
as possible, while at the same time trying to limit the harm that befalls your
kids, your other family members or your career respectively.
If your lives aren't already intertwined, you can break up with them, leave
them, and avoid contacting them altogether. Remember that they didn't
really care about you, so don't worry too much about how they are going to
feel after you break up.
Don't bother explaining in too much detail why you are leaving. Remember
that if you take the time to justify yourself, they are going to try to talk you
out of it. Break up in a public place and leave, never to return. Don't agree
to be friends with them or to hang out in the future, no matter how insistent
they are.
Some psychologists even suggest that you should break up with narcissists
over the phone because there is no way of telling how in-person meetings
are going to go. When you avoid contact with the narcissist, tell him that he
is not welcome into your home, and block his number from your phone. If
you leave the tiniest window open, he is going to find a way to crawl back
into your life. Don't do any lingering goodbye. Just say your peace and
leave.
There are always going to be some mutual friends who are going to vouch
for the narcissist and tell you that you made a mistake leaving him. These
friends may mean well, but they certainly don’t fully understand how much
you have been suffering under the thumb of the narcissist. With them, you
have to make it clear that the narcissist is persona non grata, and the cost of
bringing him up during your conversations is that they will lose your
friendship. Tell them that you don't want any updates on the narcissist's life,
and if they still talk to him, they shouldn't tell him anything about you
either.
When you leave a narcissist, that very same day, write down exactly why
you left him. In your journal, put down the rationale for your decision, and
all the reasons why being with him was a bad thing for you. The purpose of
this is that when the narcissist comes crawling back into your life and tries
to manipulate you, you can refer back to your journal and remember why
it's vital that you stay away from him. We have talked about gas lighting
and how a manipulative narcissist can get you to question your own sanity,
so having contemporaneous records of your thoughts and feelings can help
you stay grounded in the truth.
If you successfully get away from a narcissist, hopefully, he/she will move
on quickly, find someone else to torment, and leave you alone. Because the
narcissist never really cared about you in the first place, he won't be too
hung up on your relationship, so don't question your decision when you see
that he/she has moved on too quickly and you start to worry that you may
end up alone. Being alone is better than being with someone who sucks the
life out of you.

Ignore the Narcissist

The narcissist lives to trigger emotional reactions in people because, in their
minds, that gives them some sense of power. If a narcissist causes you to
lose control over your emotions, it gives him a lot of satisfaction. When a
narcissist attacks you verbally, ignoring him can drive him crazy.
You have to understand that narcissists crave attention, so ignoring them
hurts them more than anything else. They want to be acknowledged and
validated; that is why they start with the conflict in the first place. When a
narcissist targets you and destroys your life, your natural instinct will be to
get back at him/her by reacting angrily and emotionally, but if you do that,
you are only playing into his/her hand.
It may not seem so at first, but over time, you will realize that ignoring the
narcissist is actually much more satisfying than engaging with him/her
because then, even to third-party observers, the narcissist will just seem like
a petty person who likes to pick fights with people, and you will seem like
the mature adult who is able to rise above it all.
The narcissist wants to control you and to assert dominance over you, but
you have to remember that people can't take power from you. You actually
have to give it to them. A narcissist can only have dominance over you if
you relinquish control to him/her. As we have mentioned, you are
guaranteed to lose if you play the narcissist's game, and that is when he/she
is actually capable of dominating you. By ignoring the narcissist, you
blatantly refuse to play his/her game, and then he/she has no means with
which to get close enough to have any form of control over your life.
In as much as ignoring the narcissist hurts him/her, remember that you are
doing it for yourself and for your own peace of mind. When you choose to
ignore a narcissist, don't be preoccupied with the effect that the lack of
attention has on him/her. Focus on doing something worthwhile for
yourself. If after ignoring the narcissist, you are still obsessed with how
he/she is reacting to it, then you are still under his/her control, and you are
relinquishing your power to him/her. When you ignore an ex who is a
narcissist, don't turn around and start stalking him on social media to see if
he is miserable. Now that you have regained control, you should focus on
detoxifying from the narcissist's influence and training yourself to be more
vigilant in the future. If the narcissist is someone who is in your life
permanently, ignoring him/her is going to be a regular thing, so you have to
train yourself so as to get better at it. Ignoring a narcissist is more than just
avoiding responding to their taunts. It's about learning to stop caring about
their opinions and their criticisms. The first step is to restrain yourself from
responding to them even if their comments hurt you, but after that, you have
to work on yourself to get to the point where what they say rolls off you like
water.
When you ignore a narcissist, you have to keep your safety in mind. Some
narcissists tend to turn aggressive or violent when you deny them attention,
so you have to be careful not to be anywhere with them without witnesses
present. Ignoring a narcissist makes him/her feel that you have slipped
away from his/her control, and in a desperate effort to regain that control,
you never know how they are going to lash out. You have to be a lot more
cautious and a lot smarter going forward because the narcissist is going to
bring his/her “A” game in order to regain control over you. Keep ignoring
them, and no matter how hard they come at you, don't relent, not even
slightly.

Why up to 74% of marriages are failing right now and what to do

about it for your own life so you’re not just another statistic.
Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if everyone was honest and had some
written message on their person making clear their intentions and
motivations… Unfortunately, this is not the case. Yet, in terms of marriage
and partnership, the games and deceptions of a narcissist do not make for
the best partner. In fact, there is no partnership present at all; perhaps only
in fleeting moments. Partnership implies unity, harmony, and a mutual
respect, trust and connection. All a narcissist has to offer is mind games,
suffering, confusion and oppression. It can be highly oppressive living and
being with a narcissist as they don’t like to see you happy, thriving or
succeeding in your own personal goals, dreams and aspirations.
Narcissists are extremely controlling. They see their partner as a target or
supply for their deep-seated manipulations and need to control. Fortunately,
you can spot this tendency early on, creating better boundaries and inner
strength. It can be more difficult once you are already enticed and wrapped
around their little finger, but if you can remain strong and centered from the
start then there shouldn’t be a problem with recognizing this sign that you
are with a narcissist.
This control reflects into many areas. It may be the clothes you wear, your
beliefs, your daily habits and actions, your likes and dislikes, and your
holistic identity and sense of self. Whichever the expression, you are simply
not allowed to be you or be free to make your own life choices.
You will know you are with a narcissist when their deeply buried
insecurities start to come to light. They will always be masked as arrogance,
a false sense of superiority, self-centeredness, an inflated ego, and other less
desirable personality traits. Real displays of vulnerability, raw emotion, and
low feelings or moods which are natural and a part of our humanity will
never be shown. Wounds, traumas, doubts, fears, and general self-discovery
or self-development are all covered by a need to appear the best, all
together, omniscient and forcefully superior. There is no sense of room and
space for healing and in the narcissist’s eye they are already perfect. They
want you to believe they are perfect too, and anything which threatens their
sense of self-created status is met with abuse, manipulation or projection-
like tactics.
In marriage, the narcissist receives your love and support which further
empowers them and keeps their narcissistic ways in a sense of acceptance.
If there is no support, then there is no acceptance. Something cannot exist
without the energy, awareness and thumbs up from people. It is we human
beings who create and shape reality as we know it. This is one of the key
reasons why a narcissist gets married, because they know that their illusions
will only survive and thrive through the support of another. Again, you
become like their rock or gem. This support may be unconscious or based
on you being fooled and stuck in their games, however it is still a green
light.
However, to the narcissist marriage is a means of escape. They can escape
from their past, their wounds, their narcissism and their often ‘evil’ and
sadistic intentions; through the presence and cover of a life partner. They
are incapable of having a healthy, intimate and cooperative or supportive
relationship and the lack of empathy and compassion is too prevalent to
overlook. Even if you are strong beyond belief, you will still be the sufferer
in the marriage due to the narcissist’s ability to break your heart over and
over.

Why it’s CRITICAL you choose wisely with whom you discuss your
struggling marriage and why the wrong choice can end a marriage
worth saving.
Go to your support system and people you trust. Ask their opinion about the
person you think might be a narcissist. In many cases, when you are getting
close to someone, it can be difficult to see their flaws. However, your close
friends and family are on the outside looking in and can pick up on issues
faster and easier than you can. Just remember that if their opinions are
negative, do not get defensive. They care about you and want to ensure that
you are surrounded by good people. The importance of peer, family and
friendship support cannot be disregarded when divorcing a narcissist. Your
ability to manage conflict is largely tied in with the amount of support you
receive. It can be both a coping mechanism and essential aspect to your
recovery and conflict resolution. Narcissists thrive off the social support
and cooperation of others.
As in all great endeavors, a support network is crucial. These are people
you can fall back on for advice, support, or even just a quiet ear to listen in
tough times. As NPD becomes more recognized and more people find
themselves surrounded by narcissists, support groups have become more
common. A quick web search of “narcissistic abuse survivor support” will
yield a wealth of resources, both in person and online.
Being able to speak to other people who truly understand your struggles,
your journey, and what you have gone through is incredibly validating. You
feel understood and legitimized and you find other people who have been in
your shoes who may be further down the route to healing than you are.
These are people who will not try to pick apart your experiences or try to
sidestep the issues you are dealing with. They understand what it means to
be vulnerable to a narcissist and having them on your side will provide
clearer insight for you.
Seeing people who are further in their healing journey than you also has the
added benefit of showing you that there is hope and there is a life after the
narcissist has been removed from your life. You begin to see what life can
be, and that can be one of the most valuable assets to you when you find
yourself feeling vulnerable or weak. Remembering that the person from
your support group said it does get harder before it gets easier can give you
the little push you need in order to continue moving forward. The
motivation and encouragement from people who were in your shoes not too
long ago can be invaluable when you feel like you cannot keep climbing an
endless mountain. These people show you that the mountain does, in fact,
have a summit, even if you cannot see it yet, and the only way you will ever
reach the summit is if you keep moving forward.
Through the internet, you may also find support groups specific to the
narcissistic relationship you found yourself in. With a few specific web
searches, you can locate an online community for narcissistic romantic
partners, friends, parents, siblings, relatives, co-parents or any other type of
narcissist you may have in your life. Despite the fact that you may have a
rare type of narcissist in your life, the internet connects us all, and you will
be able to find others who have similar experiences to you, who can give
advice tailored to your specific situation instead of general advice to
handling narcissists.
 Chapter 7:
Create a sense of urgency

If you can’t stay, then Get away from them

S ometimes, despite your best efforts, a relationship becomes toxic and

unbearable. No matter how hard you try or what you do, the narcissist
continuously hurts you emotionally, and you are feeling less and less like
yourself. In these cases, it is time to draw a line in the sand and walk away.
Walking away is not the easy way out, despite what those around you might
say; it will require immense self-discipline and willpower to walk away
from someone you may deeply love, and it is okay to do so when you are
being hurt.
Abuse is always a reason to end a relationship, even if it is caused by a
mental illness or disorder. While you may have sworn in sickness and in
health in wedding vows, that did not include a risk to your own health. You
must take care of yourself before you are able to help anyone else, and if
you feel as if you are being abused or mistreated, leaving is totally
acceptable. Think of this as the ultimate boundary: You do not expect to on
the receiving end of intentional harm, physical or emotional, from the other
person. When that person intentionally harms you, that line has been
irrevocably crossed, and the thought of the other person doing that again
will always loom in the background, coloring your relationship. You do not
have to live like that. You are entitled to live a life free of pain, and with the
respect every person deserves.
Even when a relationship does not involve physically harming you,
sometimes the emotional toll it takes is too much. You find yourself
constantly drained and like you can no longer enjoy the things that used to
bring you pleasure. People may be telling you that you seem depressed, but
in reality, you are drained by a relationship. Perhaps your parent is always
downplaying every achievement you have, to the point that you believe that
you are worthless and incapable of success. Maybe your best friend is
constantly one-upping you, so you feel like you are wrong to feel proud of
whatever accomplishments you achieve because she is always better. It
could be a coworker who belittles and berates you every time you make a
mistake, no matter how small.
Regardless of what the nature of the relationship is, taking a step back and
cutting the narcissist off is almost always an option. When an entire cut-off
is not possible due to sharing minor children, or because you live in such
close proximity to the other person, you can take a huge step back and keep
the relationship and interactions with the person as minimal as possible to
avoid further exposure to their toxicity. It may not be easy, but just as you
would not willingly spend time around a rattlesnake just because you have
plenty of antivenom readily available, you should not spend time around
toxic people. Their toxicity will eat away at you as time goes by, rendering
you a husk of your former self.
After cutting off or limiting contact with the narcissist, you will begin to
feel more like your old self, and you may realize just how much of a toll
that relationship had taken. In hindsight, you may suddenly see all of the
red flags and wonder how you managed to get yourself ensnared in such a
big mess in the first place. Remember, narcissists are typically masters at
manipulating people around them, feeling it is necessary to their survival
and mental health to do so. You are not the first, and you will not be the last
person to get ensnared in a toxic narcissist’s web of lies, and you should not
beat yourself up over it after deciding to break free.
Typically, extreme narcissists lack normal levels of empathy, don’t pull
their own weight, and tend to make the people close to them miserable
within the space of a few weeks or months. They are unlikely to have a
great deal of insight into their damaging behaviors and are unlikely to have
an epiphany compelling them to change.
Although it may be a very difficult consideration, none of us must remain in
contact with anybody if the other party is causing us serious emotional
damage. But taking the drastic step of cutting them off permanently could
well be something that will live with us for many years to come and should
not be taken lightly.
Less drastic steps include taking a break or managing the situation. Breaks
can help to gain clarity, but it depends upon the relationship at hand, and
whether you deem it to be worth saving. It’s important to choose the people
you spend time with wisely, because humans tend to adopt the
characteristics of those around them.
A person leaving a narcissistic relationship will probably go back a few
times before finally breaking contact. A narcissist is unlikely to just ‘let it
go’. As we’ve mentioned previously in this book, many narcissists want to
have the best of the best, and they collect things as possessions. In some
ways, their partner is an extension of that. When their partner chooses to
leave them, they see this as a failure and a huge rejection. They will react
either with anger, or they will attempt to charm them back, reverting to the
‘old’ version which initially attracted the person to them in the first place.
In many cases, this can be enough to get their partner to return to them
because they still have deep feelings underneath it all.
Many partners who leave this type of relationship require a large amount of
support afterwards, and some even require emotional counseling.
Depending upon the type of treatment they have been subjected to (far
worse in the event of being close to a toxic or malignant narcissist), the
empath may find it extremely difficult to have trusting and healthy
relationships in the future, without some kind of therapy or support.
As you can see, narcissistic relationships aren’t just damaging for the
narcissist (because many end up missing out on genuine loving unions as a
result of their inability to have healthy relationships), but also for the
partner too. Leaving it difficult, and in some cases, it can be a process
which takes months, if not years.
It’s often the case that they know their partner is narcissistic towards the
end. This is usually the catalyst for making them think they should leave.
However, when gas lighting begins, the difficulty really turns itself up a
notch or two.
Though narcissistic abuse doesn’t usually involve violence or physical harm
to the victim, that’s not a guarantee – especially when your abuser finds out
you intend to leave. There may also be few limits to what your abuser is
capable of doing to make you stay, from taking away your means of doing
so to convincing you that you’ve made a mistake.
Even if you are already free, there are certain steps you may not have taken
that it would be a good idea to still do, if you feel that your abuser has not
yet accepted the split.
1. Make sure you have all of your important personal documents stored
in a safe place away from your abuser. Take copies of all of them and
ask a trusted friend or family member to keep hold of them for you.
 2. Change the passwords on all of your online accounts, especially
email, bank accounts and social media.
3. Arrange a place to stay with someone you trust or with a hotel that
you can easily get to. Make sure to confirm with the hotel owner or
your friend that they must not let your abuser know where you are.
4. In the days before you leave, try to refrain from telling too many
people your plans – or even that you are going to leave. Especially for
people who know both of you, you could be placing them in a
difficult position and there is no guarantee they won’t feel obliged to
share what they know with your abuser.
Once you have left, avoid all contact with your abuser. If you feel
compelled to offer an explanation, do so in a letter beforehand. Your abuser
is likely to demand that you “owe” them an explanation or a second chance.
You are vulnerable at this moment – it can take every ounce of a person’s
emotional capability to be as brave as you were when you closed that door
behind you. Even had your abuser not taken advantage of your good nature
already, at this moment you must put yourself first and take care of your
needs. Listening to their manipulation is nowhere on that list of needs.
Resist the temptation to engage your abuser again from this new place of
strength. Yes, you are now better equipped to deal with them. Yes, you are
now able to see the traps before you step in them. But no, they will not ever
change and they cannot ever be a positive part of your life, in any capacity.
And there will be no closure, because a narcissist is not able to see their
behavior for what it is – they lack empathy and the emotional depth to do
so.
Let go of your abuser forever; shed all contact if possible or keep it limited
if not. Keep your emotions in check if you have no choice but to see them –
remember they will be using any weapons at their disposal to bring you
back in line and all of these weapons play with your emotions. Take a step
back from yourself and look at the situation as though you were gazing on
one of your diary entries. If it helps, remember that there is nothing so
frustrating to a narcissist as not being able to elicit a reaction from you.
Understand What Is Required if you decide
to stay in the relationship
If you decide to establish and/or maintain a relationship with a narcissist
you should know that there will be a lot required of you. A huge amount of
your time will be needed and your presence will be demanded.
Yes, narcissists can express their love for you but they will also require you
to reciprocate that love or to at least express it profoundly in return. You
see, you will have to assure narcissists in order to appease their anxieties.
There will be times when it will be like you need to give unconditional
love. Well, sometimes that is exactly what a narcissist will want from you.
Some narcissists fear abandonment and they will do everything—and I do
mean everything—to keep you with them. Well, that is if they have grown
to love you. But remember that there will be many days when it will be like
they are pushing you away.
They will be angry at you, they will put you down, and even insult you.
Sometimes it will feel like the narcissist is pushing you away. But then
again you’ll be dragged back into loving arms.
Remember that they will be driven by this seemingly illogical need for
approval. Because of that they will do things that will seem to sabotage
your relationship. It’s a cycle really—a crazy cycle of love and hate.
Nevertheless, there is no harm in trying to love a narcissist even if the one
you’re trying to love has severe symptoms of NPD. There will be people
who will not understand why you’re putting up with all the bad treatment.
Some would even say that your narcissist doesn’t deserve you. And that is
part of the package—there will be pressure within the relationship and there
will be pressure from without.
Just remember that the bottom line here is that you chose to be in this
relationship, not them. It’s a gamble and you can’t play it without being
fully into it.
When you find yourself unable or unwilling to cut off a narcissist, there are
other ways to protect yourself from the narcissist’s manipulation and
harmful behaviors. One of those ways is setting healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are necessary to protect yourself when interacting with
other people. They represent the line that others know not to cross when
dealing with you and create a divide between yourself and others.
Boundaries are healthy for everyone, including married couples or parents
and children. It is important to note that you can have a relationship where
you tell each other everything but still have boundaries; the boundaries are
behaviors you refuse to tolerate, not walls that you set up to push other
people away. A healthy boundary may be expecting to be treated with a
certain level of respect or insisting that you will not tolerate name-calling or
other demeaning behavior. Most people would agree that not being called
names is an acceptable boundary and will not cross it.

Maintaining Yourself
When dealing with a narcissist, you find yourself having to make plenty of
concessions to avoid meltdowns or outrages. With narcissists, you often feel
as if you have to make a choice between pleasing yourself or the narcissist,
and it’s frequently easier to forego what you want than it is to deal with the
backlash from the narcissist. It is important to make sure you maintain your
own sense of self during the process of dealing with a narcissist, and you
need to be able to understand what the appropriate steps are to maintaining
yourself. You need to know when flexibility is useful or if setting
boundaries will be a better course of action. You also need to understand
when enough is enough so you can take a step back from the situation and
disengage from the narcissist for your own physical and emotional safety.
Learning these skills will give you a much better grasp of how to interact
with a narcissist while minimizing damage for everyone involved.

Bending, Not Breaking

Just as the tree bends to the wind to keep from breaking, sometimes being
flexible with your own expectations is the best choice when it comes to
dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists are stubborn by nature; they want
everything to go their way and struggle to cope when things do not play out
as they expect. The average person is much better at coping with small
missteps in their plans without being tripped up, and sometimes, the easiest
way to maintain yourself and your sanity is to remain flexible. If the
concession is something you truly do not care about, it is likely not worth
the battle of remaining firm. Pick your battles and let the narcissist have her
way if you are indifferent.
Your own self-awareness and self-restraint will be two of your greatest
defenses against falling victim to narcissistic behaviors. Unlike the
narcissist, you can recognize when you are wrong without sending your
world shattering around you, and you can also restrain yourself when
something does go wrong. You have developed proper coping mechanisms
and have learned to handle stress in healthy, productive ways that do not
worsen your problems. Remembering to utilize your self-awareness will
keep you aware that you are angry or frustrated with the narcissist. This
recognition allows you to be aware that you may be more prone to lashing
out at the narcissist at that moment, which also allows you to utilize your
self-restraint. You can remind yourself to stop, take a deep breath, and count
to four before reacting to keep from impulsively lashing out.
Remember, by remaining flexible when applicable, you keep yourself from
breaking. Your flexibility keeps you strong and able to withstand the
difficult behaviors that come from the narcissist. Your patience will keep
you firm as you encounter the same issues over and over, and your self-
awareness will help you acknowledge your feelings so you can cope with
them in a healthy, productive way.

Specific tips to give your marriage any hope of feeling good again that
you can implement in your marriage starting today.
Narcissists are notorious for inflicting pain to everyone around them. While
it may not always be intentional, the results are undeniable. People end up
hurt and broken when in the narcissist’s inner circle. It is difficult to manage
dealing with a narcissist and coming out of the interactions relatively
unscathed, but with the right skill set, you will be able to minimize the
injuries inflicted by the narcissist’s scathing personality. Remember, not all
of these methods will work for every narcissist. Through trial and error, you
will be able to discover the best way to handle the particular narcissist in
your life. The end results will be worth the immense amount of effort it will
take to remove the narcissist’s target from your back, as you will find your
life much more peaceful once you begin to implement these methods of
coping with a narcissist.

Take a Time-out
When tensions run high, and you find yourself creeping closer and closer to
your breaking point, it is entirely acceptable to take a time out from your
relationship with a narcissist. During this period, you completely ignore all
contact from the narcissist and put distance between you and him. The goal
here is to give yourself the space you need in order to begin healing from
the narcissist’s toxicity. By giving yourself time to cool off, you keep
yourself from exploding or making the situation exponentially worse by
saying something you do not mean in your anger. The time out can have a
specific time limit, such as asking for a week of space or can be indefinite
with you waiting until you no longer feel like screaming every time you see
the narcissist. The important thing here is to set the time limit to what you
need, rather than catering to anyone else or compromising on the length.

Cut off the narcissist

Similar to taking a time-out, cutting off the narcissist involves taking a step
back from the situation altogether. However, unlike a time-out, cutting off is
typically a permanent severance of the relationship. The only way to truly
avoid any more harm, whether emotionally or physically, is to refuse to
engage or associate with the narcissist completely. By never being near the
narcissist or never acknowledging the narcissist, the narcissist never has the
opportunity to hurt you.
Refusing to engage with the narcissist also comes with a secondary benefit:
you have cut off the narcissist’s strongest motivator. By refusing to be a
source of the narcissistic supply he craves, the narcissist eventually loses
interest in you and instead will move onto someone else who will provide
him with his fix.

Disengage Emotionally
Recognize that NPD is a personality disorder; the narcissist literally has a
disordered way of thinking, and therefore, the narcissist’s perceptions about
the world around him should not be used as a measure of the truth.
Remember that the narcissist seeks to manipulate others to get what he
wants and cannot see the world in a realistic manner. He will say things and
believe things that are untrue just so it fits his own paradigms of the world
around him. Just because his way of seeing the world is skewed and
disordered does not mean you have to accept it.
By disengaging emotionally, you hear what he says and briefly
acknowledge it, but do not take it seriously. Just as you would not care
much when an angry child calls you a doo-doo head, you should not care
much when the narcissist screams that you are a horribly selfish person that
would be better off dead because at least then, more than one person would
benefit from your life insurance or estate. While it can be hard to ignore
what the narcissist says, especially if the narcissist is someone you have
held in high regard in the past, such as a spouse or a parent, you must
remember that it is not true. By refusing to become upset at the narcissist’s
accusations, you protect your self-esteem, and when you refuse to fall
victim to the narcissist’s tactics, the narcissist slowly loses interest in you as
well.

Manage Expectations and Focus on Positives

When dealing with narcissists, it becomes exponentially easier when you
recognize the limits of the narcissist’s personality. Especially when you
actively want to maintain a relationship with a narcissist, whether personal,
romantic or professional. By understanding who the narcissist is and not
expecting him to be someone he is not, you can eliminate a lot of
heartbreak. Do not expect the narcissist ever to be a valid form of support
for you, as he will never have the empathy necessary for that. The narcissist
will not be a source of comfort for you, and if you can accept that and set
up outside support systems, you can create a mindset that lets you enjoy the
aspects of the narcissist you may enjoy. This does not mean you should
simply accept their abusive tendencies; you should absolutely continue to
correct any time the narcissist boundary stomps.
When interacting with the narcissist, it can be useful to remind yourself
about the parts you enjoy. Perhaps the narcissist is a perfectionist by nature,
so you know you can rely on him to create the perfect cake for a party. Not
only does that feed the narcissist’s ego in a healthy way, but it also reminds
you of the good in the narcissist. Very few people are truly evil, and the
good traits the narcissist possesses are important to embrace when
maintaining a relationship. Maybe the narcissist is really good at a video
game you enjoy, so you have fun playing with him, or perhaps the narcissist
is a natural, albeit harsh, leader and you find that you can learn a lot in a
professional setting. With your expectations managed and placing emphasis
on the narcissist’s redeeming features, you may find it easier to tolerate
some of the more annoying, but harmless, narcissistic tendencies.
Studying them
You need to study the narcissist, not from the perspective of a loved one,
but from that of an outsider. If you cannot do this, then none of the other
tips discussed in this section will work. When you objectively start studying
the narcissist, you will better be able to learn how to detach yourself
mentally and emotionally. If you can analyze the behavior of a narcissist in
a dispassionate manner, then it will give you the clarity you need to restore
your emotional balance.

Call out
Most narcissists tend to be quite proud of their narcissism and think of it as
a positive personality trait. You must call out the narcissist for their
narcissistic ways. This will only work if the narcissist also values and
cherishes the relationship you share. If that’s the case, then use a measured
and non-sarcastic tone to tell the narcissist that their narcissism is showing.

Feed their ego

A narcissist needs a lot of attention, affection, praise, and adoration to
thrive. So, by complimenting him and feeding his fragile ego, you can
easily handle living with a narcissist. You must be prepared to keep feeding
his ego, if not, be prepared to deal with his tantrums. This is something you
will need to get used to if leaving the narcissist is not an option for you. A
couple of simple compliments can go a long way while trying to deal with a
narcissist. This is not manipulation. Instead, it is about understanding his
personality disorder and using it to help smooth things out.

Manage your expectations

Narcissists lack empathy. They certainly expect sympathy from others, but
will seldom reciprocate. This absence of empathy makes it difficult for a
narcissist to develop close and intimate bonds with others. You need to
learn to accept and make peace with this. So, stop seeking empathy or
compassion from the narcissist and instead try to manage your expectations.

Find Yourself
To find yourself again, you need to step back and view yourself from afar.
This means evaluating your current state in detail and then looking at that
evaluation from an objective distance.
The best way to do this is to remove your thoughts and emotions from your
own mind and put them somewhere else, where you can examine them
more clearly. A great way to do this is to begin a daily journal, pouring all
your emotions and the thoughts you’ve had onto paper. Make sure to
concentrate on how you feel, not just on the events that made you feel that
way.
Other alternatives include painting or drawing or writing your feelings in
the form of poetry. Choose a medium that you feel suits you and will allow
you to take what’s happening on your head and put it on paper instead. It
can take practice, especially if you’re not used to giving voice to your
emotions, but it’s very important that you put every last piece of you onto
that paper.
Take time every day for this activity. Close yourself into a private space
where you won’t be interrupted and where nobody else can see what you
are creating. This is just for you – keep the results somewhere secure, so
you don’t have to worry that anyone else will ever see them.
Creating a mirror of yourself in this way not only allows you to pour out all
the damaging emotions in a safe way, it also allows you to see them outside
yourself. It allows you to see the true you, and the progress you are making,
and the progress you still need to make.

Rebalance Your Life

A more formal version of this rediscovery of who you are and what you
want is to reintroduce balance into your life. This is about what you need as
well as what you want and involves rebuilding a balance that may have
been toppled by your abuser’s actions.
Your abuser may have removed your connection to friends, they may have
insisted you live and work in places that weren’t really your choice, they
may have chosen your hobbies for you by demanding you do the things
they wanted to do. One or more areas of your life may currently be lacking
equilibrium, and it’s time to bring that back.
The areas you will need to look at include:
Your career (or future career if you are still in school)
 Your relationships
Your living situation
Your hobbies and interests
Your beliefs
First, you will need to look at each of these areas in turn and ask yourself
how the abuse affected them. Did, for example, your abuser mock your
spiritual beliefs and make you feel guilty for wanting to attend services?
Did they choose the apartment you rented because it was more convenient
to them or suited their tastes and make you feel obliged to agree?
Once you have determined what changed in these areas of your life thanks
to the abuse, you can think about what you want instead – and then make
those changes happen. As you do, think about the boundaries you want to
set.
Tell yourself what you will and won’t accept from outside influence in the
future. For instance, you might say you will never again allow someone to
stop you from attending your horse riding classes because they are
important to your happiness and your sense of self. Perhaps you will pledge
to yourself that you will always attend Thanksgiving with your family and
that there would need to be genuine negotiation before you broke that
pledge.

How to protect yourself and your children from a narcissist

There are several ways to shield yourself and your kids from the narcissist
in your life. The most important thing is for you to implement each one and
stop that self-absorbed person.
You can convince yourself that you are actually safe in a narcissist’s hands.
However, their good person facade wouldn’t last long, so you better brace
yourself using a few strategies.
Set boundaries. Know when you are at your limit in dealing with all
the sarcastic remarks or hurtful things from a narcissist. At least you
would know when to react after simply smiling and nodding to
everything that a narcissist is saying or doing. By letting that person
know your boundaries, he or she might at least be aware of it and
possibly try to control their behavior.
 Determine the behaviors that are too much for you and tell them
about these behaviors. While you’re busy setting boundaries, you
should not forget to tell the narcissist about excessive behaviors that
you can no longer tolerate. List them and express why you don’t
like each one.
Enjoy your down time more. Incorporate more rest into your daily
schedule, especially a chance to get away from the narcissist for a
breather. No matter how much you love that person, you might
naturally feel suffocated too. Stay away from the negative vibes that
a narcissist is emitting at home. Even the kids should be shielded
from that person to avoid ruining their lives.
Find a strong support group for yourself. While you might not be
able to resist the need to whine and complain about your rotten, bad
luck for being with a narcissist, support sessions should be spent
more on renewing your energy and getting a fresh perspective on
things. Take these times as your time to recharge and face the
narcissist as a confident and self-assured individual after being
ruined by their constant bullying and put-downs.
Prepare a reserve. Aside from determining your boundaries, you
should know when to strengthen them after years of being together
with a narcissist. Take the time to repair the cracks in the foundation
of your self-confidence.
Stay strong and steady. Remain steadfast in your decision, whether
to continue handling the narcissist, or staying away from the
narcissistic relationship. Being neutral will also help.
Be keen on spotting deceptions. Avoid being fooled into believing
that you will still thrive with a narcissistic person. Tell your children
about it too. Instead, try to look for real love, a love with no
conditions and no self-centered behavior.

The real cause of the shift from wedded bliss to loneliness

Although being with a narcissist is a truly horrific and often traumatic
experience, breaking free can lead to initial loneliness. You are so used to
being with that person, being involved in their stories, games, and sense of
companionship even if it is a twisted and mentally-emotionally abusive
companionship; that finally leaving and being free can leave you feeling
empty. This is natural - we are all chalices waiting to be filled. We need
connections, stories, relationships and various realities to keep us feeling
alive and fulfilled. So when you break free from the narcissist you are
essentially an empty vessel.
What new stories are you going to create?
This is of course, in itself, a beautiful process and fundamentally part of
your journey. To be alone is to be all one, content, free and soulfully happy
in your own independence. Once we remove attachments and stories which
are no longer good for us, we provide ourselves the space and time for new
stories, new realities and frequencies of being. I once heard the saying that
life is like music. Life can be equated with music. We do live in a universe
after all! So, loneliness can be overcome by filling yourself with new stories
- ones in harmony with your best interests and best possible expression of
you.
Connected to this is a self-recovery, healing and boundary plan. Boundaries
are very important, but so is your personal re-discovery of self and self-
healing.
Below are the key and highly effective ways to overcome loneliness:
Immerse yourself in a passion project. New hobbies, favorite
pastimes or creating a vision board to align with your dreams and
aspirations can all be marvelous gateways back to your true self.
Following your greatest joy allows you to overcome loneliness and
heal from the sufferings caused by your narcissistic partner. Passion
and fire are the spark of life, they re-energize and revitalize your
inner core further enabling you to stop feeling isolated or cut off
from the world. This is an unfortunate consequence of being the
victim of narcissistic abuse or mind manipulations - you may feel
disconnected to others on a profound level. Re-finding yourself
through a passion project is essential for your wellbeing.
Recovering from a narcissist and re-finding yourself tie in closely to
knowing yourself, or knowing thyself. Not only can taking steps to
rediscover and know thyself help you overcome loneliness, it will
 also help increase your self-esteem, self-worth and personal
confidence.
Meditating can reconnect you to your true self, inner harmony, and
a sense of peace and wellbeing. It also expands your mind and
allows you to be an observer of any chaotic, destructive or afflictive
thoughts, beliefs or emotions. During the many months or years of
narcissistic abuse you will have been through some terrible
manipulative treatment. You may have been gaslighted, made to feel
small, weak or inferior, or generally insulted on repeat. Your
feelings, opinions, and perspectives may have been overlooked and
where your beautiful qualities and strengths should have been
supported, encouraged and cherished; you instead received neglect
and abuse. All in all, your partner knocked your confidence and
self-esteem in many unseen ways.
Balanced with all the other key ways to overcome loneliness and heal for
the long term is the engagement of new social groups and organizations.
This can include peer support, groups for victims of narcissistic abuse, or
simply any organization or venture which allows you to feel good. Being
happy and connecting with others is the best way to let go and move
forward with your life, despite the initial loneliness you may feel. You can
feel lonely or isolated in a group too as the truth is - loneliness is just a
mindset. Some people feel lonely even when surrounded by family and
peers, just as many feel most at peace and blissful when alone. True
happiness and contentment comes from your ability to connect and feel at
ease with the world. Taking the first steps by putting yourself out there will
re-spark your passion for life and connection, and your connection with
yourself.

What to do when you have love for him...but aren’t in love with him
People with narcissistic personality disorder always think of themselves and
their needs first. Even if they might be able to carry a relationship with
other people, that relationship tends to be more about them. Usually, the
other person would feel ignored and devalued, damaging their self-esteem
in the process. When that other person is you and you decide to break up
with that self-centered person in your life, it can be dangerous, so you have
to do it right.
The following steps have helped people break free from their narcissistic
relationship:
Go to therapy to assess the problem and your psychological
condition. There are cases when the insurance might not cover it, or
you cannot afford it, so an alternative would be to look for a support
team. You can find it in domestic abuse shelters and women’s
advocate groups because you really are in an abusive relationship,
even if it might not be a physical one. Learn everything about the
right things to say and to do and determine the signs that you used to
ignore about that other person being a narcissist.
Use the feedback from your support group session to help you
grieve as you deal with all the hurtful things that the narcissist is
doing to you.
If you are still together with the narcissist in your life and they know
that you are trying to leave them, they might stop you from doing it.
They might do it by embarrassing you, telling other people that you
are “not good in the head,” mess with your schedule, or anything
else that will stop you from getting the support that you need. The
more interruptions the narcissist does, the more you should try to
seek help.
Stop communicating with the narcissist. Some people often find
themselves drawn into a relationship with the narcissist, as they are
experts at making you feel good, at first. But that pleasant feeling
isn’t meant to last. They are good at laying down the trap. That is
why you have to cut all contacts with that narcissist in your life.
Some situations may even require moving to another place when the
narcissist starts becoming violent. If you don’t want to move, you
can ask for help from your support group or the local law
enforcement officials. You can even file for a restraining order to
ensure your safety.
Take self-defense classes. Enroll in a martial arts course or learn
how to use a licensed weapon. Invest in a good guard dog for
additional protection at home. Make it extra difficult for the
narcissist to contact you, especially if you are also protecting
children. The longer you can do this, the more confident you will be
in your ability to shield yourself from the wrath of the abusive
narcissist. Your confidence will further emphasize the fact that you
are no longer the victim that you used to be.
Write in a diary. Fill it with your thoughts every single day. Include
the behaviors that the narcissist displays every day, especially those
that triggered your doubts about their condition. Update your journal
daily. This diary will help you in two significant ways – to
strengthen your resolve to break free from that narcissistic
relationship when you feel weak and to help you heal over time.
Reading the words that you wrote yourself will help you realize how
harmful your relationship has become with that person.
Clean up your life of anything related to the narcissist. Get rid of all
the things that will remind you of that person. Doing this is also
about completely removing the influence that the person has in your
life. Sell them, give them to charity, or throw them away.
Establish new relationships, even if they are not necessarily
romantic ones. Meeting new friends could be the best thing that
could happen to you after breaking up with a narcissist. You can
achieve that by getting involved in different organizations, such as a
yoga class, book club, or pottery class. You don’t even need to
spend money. It’s enough to get out of your home and find yourself
some new friends. It helps you get back to your normal life without
the narcissist in it.
Allow yourself some time to grieve. It might be a good idea to enjoy
your freedom from narcissism first before getting yourself involved
in another relationship. The quicker you find yourself a rebound
relationship, the riskier it might be to get attracted to another
narcissist. You can grieve over a relationship that was based on an
image that you saw wrongly of that person whom you used to love.
Mourn your loss and the fact that you fell in love with an illusion. It
is only natural that you will feel sad knowing that the person never
loved you because he or she is incapable of loving anyone else other
than themselves. This realization is enough reason to grieve. Use the
 time to get back to your normal self. Learn to love yourself more
before you start loving another person again.

The ONE single thing you need to focus on at all times to find the
clarity and confidence you Want - Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is all about being able to support yourself. It is about being able
to take control of your mind, body, behavior and yourself in general. It is
about your perception of yourself, the way you see yourself. It is about the
influence you have on the environment around you. Do you think you have
a positive effect on the world? Simply put, is the feedback you receive for
your actions positive or negative? Do you feel like you don’t have any
effect whatsoever on the world around you? Do you feel that nothing seems
to be going your way even when you are trying?
Well, self-destruction and sabotaging oneself are the opposite of self-
esteem. You might notice that you indulge in doing things and thinking
thoughts that sabotage your happiness, any success you attain, and the
opportunities available to you. Self-destruction is when you don’t talk well
to yourself when you do things that are bad because of some self-hatred you
are harboring within.
Developing your self-esteem can work wonders for you, especially while
recovering from narcissistic abuse. Positive self-esteem makes you become
more confident while facing life. It will not only make you happier, but it
will also help you live better. The benefits of self-esteem are not restricted
to just this. Your level of self-esteem is directly proportional to your level of
confidence. Self-confidence is essential for self-respect and this, in turn, is
proportional to the respect others give you. As people start to recognize
you, the equation that you share with them improves, and all of this is
bound to make you happier. On the other hand, low self-esteem often leads
to depression, anxiety, low self-confidence, and dissatisfaction with
yourself and everyone else around you. Low self-esteem will often make
you question yourself, lessen your self-confidence, and prevent you from
achieving anything you ever wanted. Most people do not like being with
those who have low self-esteem because they also tend to dampen spirits of
others as well.
In the same way that the emotions of others tend to affect you, your
emotions also affect those around you. If all you project is negativity, it can
be difficult to attract anything positive into your life. So, happy feelings
give rise to more positive feelings whereas negativity merely attracts more
negativity. People with positive self-esteem can see themselves in a positive
light. They can love and respect themselves, and this helps them build
positive relationships with others. Positive self-esteem gives confidence and
the ability to work to achieve the goals you set for yourself. By working on
developing your self-esteem, you can improve the quality of your life in
general.
The best way for an emotional manipulator to gain complete control over
the victim is by lowering the victim’s self-esteem. Once the victims start to
feel like they are not worthy of anything good, they become putty in the
hands of the manipulator. Those with low self-esteem tend to become
lonely and avoid any personal relationship and interaction with others. It
can even discourage one from believing in his dreams.
It is quite difficult to evaluate those who are near us, but this must be done.
You should acknowledge those who bring nothing but negativity into your
life and those who make a positive contribution to your life. Yes, it is a
difficult task, but you must do it to avoid all individuals who have a
negative impact on your life. These people can be your friends, coworkers,
or even family members. If you are interested in developing your self-
esteem, you should work hard to surround yourself with those who do bring
some positivity to your life. Positive energy will affect you, and you will
feel better. Stop thinking that your life is happy or sad. Your life is all about
making choices that make you happy or sad.
Do you feel that only a few people have positive self-esteem? If you think
so, then you are wrong! Like any other personality trait, self-esteem can be
developed. If you feel left behind or if you feel like your self-esteem was
hurt, then you can work on improving it. However, before you can
concentrate on improving your self-esteem, you must be aware of the
reasons that reduce your self-esteem.
Are you a good judge of yourself? Are you capable of taking negative
criticism from those around you and are you capable of accepting your
mistakes? Can you work on improving yourself based on the criticism you
receive, or do you get defensive or depressed? Do you understand that a
portion of the comments you receive from someone isn't representative of
the general opinion that others have of you?
Can you accept your uniqueness? You might wish to be taller, slimmer,
more outgoing, and less impulsive. However, whenever you ask yourself
“who am I?”, do you have an answer to it that takes into consideration your
uniqueness? Even after a tiring day, can you maintain good body posture, or
do you slouch? Would you consider yourself to be optimistic or
pessimistic? Do you like wearing clothes that you want or are your choices
influenced by what others think of you? Do you do things for your
satisfaction or because someone else has asked you to do a particular job?
Take some time out, and answer the questions mentioned above honestly.
Everyone would have faced some instance or another in their life that
reduced their self-esteem. It is quite natural. However, it is essential to build
it back and not let your self-esteem plummet further. Like any other
personality trait, even self-esteem can be improved.

How to know if hope actually exists for your struggling marriage or if it

is beyond recovery.

Calm your mind

You can call your intuition an intimate knowledge or innate understanding
of something. It refers to that tiny voice in your head that is always trying to
communicate with you. The problem, though, is that it can be quite difficult
to hear it until your mind is calm and the loud mental chatter comes to a
halt. Most people tend to have an overactive mind and tend to associate too
much with their thoughts. Your thoughts don’t control or define you.
Instead, you must be able to control your thoughts. You need to remember
that you are much more than you think. Once you've learned to reduce or
eliminate mental chatter, you can easily access your intuition.
Find a quiet place, close the door, turn the phone off or put it on silent, and
physically distance yourself from all devices. Then take a few deep and
relaxing breaths. Concentrate on inhaling and exhaling. Whenever thoughts
float in your head, imagine them as clouds floating in the sky. Then you can
redirect your attention and concentrate on your breathing. Call it meditation
if you like, but it's an excellent technique to calm the mind. When your
mind is calm, you can think better and listen to your intuition again. Not
just that, it also helps you think more rationally.
Listen to your intuition
Pay attention to what your instincts tell you, especially when you meet
someone for the first time. Your body is good at understanding the vibes
you get from others. It might not be a full-fledged science, but it does help
you get a read on things and the people around you. Pay attention to what
you feel as soon as you meet someone; focus on the instant reaction you
feel before you have even had the time to think. This will help you to
understand whether you are comfortable with someone or not.

Pay attention to your body signals

Your body tends to provide you with information about your health, the
decisions you make, and others around you. Learn to start paying attention
to these signals that your body keeps giving. It means that you must rest
when tired, cry when you are sad, eat when you are hungry, and take a
break when you are stressed out. It also means that you should start taking
note of those around you who help to boost your energy levels and those
who extinguish them. You can use this information while deciding whether
someone is a good influence on you or not. This will help you limit your
contact with people who feel toxic.

You have to choose between “happiness” and staying together, right?

Wrong! How to pave the path to happiness inside your marriage if
that’s what you want.
Dealing with a narcissist is something that truly takes practice. They are
different than those without narcissism, and since this is not an issue that
you deal with frequently with multiple people, there is a learning curve. The
most important thing is to never discount yourself for them. This is what
they want, but there are ways to recognize this and ensure that you are
creating and maintaining the right boundaries.

Take a step back and analyze the situation.

Determine how bad the situation is. Try to understand the narcissist’s
background and the degree of his narcissism. Note or recall what drives him
to narcissistic rage. Recall how he tries to punish you. Be aware of the
tactics that he uses. Do all these objectively. Being carried away by
emotions, shouting or crying will only feed the narcissist. The narcissist has
already painstakingly set up a strong image or reputation and you might not
come across as credible when you tell others, so you have to do your
homework.

Accept that the narcissist will not change.

Hoping that you will be able to knock some sense into the narcissist or that
you could explain things to enlighten him will not work. As far as the
narcissist is concerned, he has done no wrong.

Seek help.
Find people – friends, counselors, religious leaders, or parents - anyone you
can confide in and who can give advice and emotional support. They can
also give feedback from a neutral viewpoint.

Relaxation
Relaxation is an important part of everyone’s lives, including the narcissist.
But for those who are dating or married to a narcissist, friends with one, or
the narcissist happens to be your mother or father, finding time to get away
from the hounding madness that usually ensues when in their company is a
valuable asset in managing your emotional and mental strength. Constantly
listening can switch you off, make you feel unmotivated, and hurt you. It
can drive you mad and can drive you away in tears. But finding somewhere
where you can essentially switch off and switch back on again is
paramount, like hiking, running, or beach walks. Clarity is the best natural
and mental healer. It allows for storage space to be freed up and offers you
the platform to think. Reading a book, listening to music, cooking - there
are so many forms of relaxation that can really refresh someone. Renew
yourself away from the narcissistic atmosphere and remove yourself from
the narcissistic environment in which you live or work. Even if this is for
ten minutes, finding that balance again is important when dealing with a
narcissist.

Be realistic.
Know the narcissist’s limitations and work within those limits. It will only
be emotionally draining and a waste of time to expect more from the
narcissist than he is capable. Do not expect him to learn to care because he
can’t. Remember that your value as a person does not depend on the
narcissist.
Don’t punish yourself for getting into a relationship with him. Instead,
focus on rebuilding your self-esteem, meeting your own needs and pursuing
your interests.

Speak to them in a way that will make them aware of how they will
benefit.
Instead of voicing you needs, pleading, crying or yelling; learn to rephrase
your statements by emphasizing what the narcissist will gain from it. You
have learned to appeal to their selfishness. This is a good way to survive in
situations when you cannot leave.

Do Not Give in to Their Fantasy

A narcissist builds a fantasy life, and when dealing with them, it is
important to not fall for the fantasy. They can be charming so it can be hard
to resist them. It does not take long to essentially get lost in their web. At
first, you might feel important, special and important to them, but this never
lasts. Keep the following in mind concerning not falling for the fantasy:
They will not fulfill your needs. In fact, what you need and want will not
even be recognized, so it is important to keep this in mind. A narcissist
views your value as what you can do for them and what you can do to
satiate their ego.
Pay close attention to how they treat other people. You will be able to see
that they are not afraid to manipulate, lie, disrespect and hurt other people.
Eventually, this behavior and treatment will trickle down to you.
Make sure that you do not forget about your dreams. When you are close to
a narcissist, it is easy to get swept up in their delusions and fantasy. It is
important that you do not lose yourself in this or else you may find it hard
to regain control over who you are.

Set Your Boundaries and Stick to Them

If you have had a relationship with a narcissist for a while, you surely can
see their pattern of not respecting your boundaries. To change this, make a
plan. This plan should be based on what you hope to achieve by making it.
Then, consider how you will enforce the plan and what the consequences
will be should the narcissist violate your boundaries. The most important
thing about your plan is that you stand firm and that you do not give in to
the needs of the narcissist. Make sure to let them know when your
boundaries have been crossed.
Be prepared for relationship changes. A narcissist is not a big fan of people
not admiring them and giving into their every whim. They want to call all
of the shots, and they want you to prop them up. Once you start creating
boundaries, how they treat you is likely to change because they will not be
happy about you standing up for yourself. They may try to punish you,
demean you, or they might go in the opposite direction and use fake charm
to try and manipulate you into going back to give them what they want.
You need to set boundaries. If you want the process of healing to begin, you
must establish a protective wall around yourself. If you can put physical
distance between yourself and the narcissist, that’s great! Memories related
to the narcissist and the relationship will certainly trigger pain and other
unpleasant emotions that in turn will slow down your progress. So, cut off
all ties with the narcissist. You can block that individual on social media,
your phone, and even an email list. It is time to get rid of all the things that
remind you of the narcissist. It is time to remove all traces of connection
with the narcissist.
If you cannot physically distance yourself from the narcissists, then you can
use a simple technique known as the grey rock. The idea is quite simple:
While interacting with narcissists, you must disengage yourself mentally as
well as emotionally. Even though you might be boiling with rage within,
don’t let the narcissists see that they can affect you. Once you are alone and
in a safe space, you can let your emotions out. You can cry, shout, scream,
and do anything that gives you relief.
Another simple way in which you can start establishing boundaries is by
saying no. By learning and practicing saying no, you can work on
developing your self-respect as well as self-confidence. Your boundary is
like a firewall that keeps all malware out while protecting what’s within.
You must become selective about all those you let in; after all, your mind is
a sacred space.
Avoid Taking Things Personally
This will be one of the hardest things that you do, but it is important. A
narcissist is not purposely trying to hurt you. This is just who they are, and
they are unable to see the faults in their behavior. Remember that their
actions, behaviors, and emotions are not about you. This is all about them.
A narcissist will try and create a version of you that is easiest for them to
control. It is important that you work on your self-esteem and know your
worth so that their view of you does not become how you see yourself. Let
them keep their own negativity and do not allow it to change how you feel
about yourself.

Find a Good Support System

A narcissist is never going to be a good support person for you. However,
you do need support when you are dealing with someone like this in your
life. If they are close to you and have been in your life for a while, the first
step is learning what a healthy relationship is. It is about mutual respect and
give and take. With a narcissist, you only give, and they only take.
Focus your time on those that give you love, respect, and honesty. This will
help you to see who you truly are so that you do not have to get approval
from the narcissist in your life.
Start to break away from the person. A narcissist wants all the attention on
them, so they often try to isolate those they want to keep to themselves.
This makes it easier for them to gain control over you. Spend time meeting
new people or reconnecting with friends you might have lost touch with.
Seek out meaningful opportunities and activities. Consider going for that
promotion you have wanted, volunteer or try a new hobby. When you have
a fulfilling life, this acts as a natural support system for you.

Make Sure to Stay Positive

Narcissists feed on watching other people feel bad, so even if they do cause
you to experience negative emotions, do not let them see this. When you are
around them, make sure that you are in a positive mindset. No matter how
hard they try to bring you down, keep a smile on your face and do not react
to them.

Know That They Need Help

Narcissism is a mental health issue that someone cannot just will away.
They will need help if they ever expect to get their behavior under control.
If you approach them and recommend they reach out to a professional, they
are unlikely to just agree and go. They may even become angry or
defensive due to you even suggesting it. If you care about the person and
want them to at least consider help, approach the subject gently and know
that this is something that you will likely have to discuss several times
before they will even consider it.

Freeing Yourself from Negative Emotions

Anger, jealousy, envy and other negative emotions can permeate your life
and cause significant problems. It is important to recognize their existence
and then work to be free of them. Freeing yourself from such emotions is a
process, and it takes time. Even after you free yourself, you will need to
commit to long-term work and maintenance.
Negative emotions are powerful and can quickly become habits if you do
not get them under control. For example, if you commonly respond to
criticism with anger, over time, this repetition will cause you to become
angry any time you are criticized. This can start to impact your
relationships, your career and other elements of your life.
Stop Making Excuses
When you make excuses for negative emotions, either for yourself or
others, you are telling yourself that they are something out of your control.
This is not true because you have the choice concerning how you react to a
situation. If you continue to make excuses, you will never take
responsibility for your behavior. Over time, this can start to push people out
of your life because they will not want to be around someone who cannot
admit their faults or when they are wrong.

Take Responsibility
Once you dedicate yourself to no longer making excuses, you can start to
take some responsibility for how you act in various situations. This starts by
taking the power away from your negative emotions. As you continue to
take responsibility, you will find that they lose their hold over you. The
right reactions and choices will naturally start to become easier to make.

Let It Go
Life would be much simpler if everything could be controlled, but this is
not possible. When you find something that you have no control over,
recognize it and let it go. For example, not every person will like you, and
there are times when a loved one may get mad at you for something that is
not your fault. Do not press the issue. Let it go, and everything will
eventually work itself out in the end.
There are simpler things that you can start doing on a regular basis to start
pushing out negative emotions and helping to enhance your overall well-
being. You do not have to do every single one on a daily basis but consider
them and incorporate them into your day when it is appropriate.

Get your Life Back on Track

It can be tricky to stop dwelling on the past and to stop thinking about all
the pain the narcissistic abuse caused. You need to stop pondering the past
and instead focus on the bright future ahead. Experiencing pain is the
natural response to abuse, and it might have also damaged your sense of
self. So, you are dealing with a lot. Getting your life back on track after a
narcissistic injury or after ending a relationship with a narcissist is not an
easy task. There exists a cognitive discord between two ideas that causes a
lot of confusion when the relationship ends. One part of your brain might
still be thinking about the narcissist as your soulmate while the other part
views him as your ex. This discord causes confusion, and often those who
were victims of narcissistic abuse or were in a toxic relationship with a
narcissist are usually in disbelief. It’s disbelief that someone they trusted
violated his trust and abused his love.

Eliminate all toxicity

In the past, you might have done everything you possibly could to please
and appease the narcissist you were with. This can take a serious toll on
your mental health. You might have subjected yourself to a lot of toxicity
by trying to “understand” the narcissist and by trying to walk in his shoes.
Narcissists are not only aware of the control they have over their victims,
but they also exploit this empathic trait.
Now, it is time to get all this toxicity out of your system so you can start
thinking clearly once again. The best idea is to start externalizing it. You
can start maintaining a journal to write about what you have been through,
talk to those friends you trust, consult a therapist, or even join a support
group. Joining a support group is a good idea because it will help connect
you with others who have experienced all that you did. Externalizing the
toxicity you were subjected to will help get rid of any confusion you have
and help you see things clearly once again. You can start thinking rationally
and logically after getting rid of all the dark goo that once resided in your
mind. Apart from this, you can also use physical activity as a means of
externalizing the toxicity.

Focus
There will certainly be times when you feel like your past is drawing you
in. The combination of cognitive discord and the trauma bond you shared
with the narcissist are the reason for this. If you feel like this, it means that
you are yet to understand and process some emotions. It is quintessential
you keep working to overcome the abuse you were a victim of. Instead of
letting your past rob you of your present, allocate some time for yourself
where you can analyze your past.
Until then, you need to keep practicing mindfulness. Whatever has
happened must stay in the past. It must not ruin your present or your future.
Stay in the present and concentrate on creating an amazing future for
yourself. Ensure that you have a sense of purpose in life and are looking
forward to bringing about a positive change in your life. Instead of dwelling
on the past, it is time to move forward and keep going without looking
back.

Be patient
You must be patient with yourself. You cannot hurry up and rush through
the process of recovery. There will be times when you feel like you are
staring at a bottomless pit of despair; you might get frustrated or might even
feel quite depressed. Well, this merely means you need to concentrate on
healing yourself.
The very first thing you should do if and when you realize the marriage
is over.
You will also undergo a period of distress, akin to mourning when you
leave. Seek help and support to get through this stage. Do not be hard on
yourself for having allowed yourself to be deceived by the narcissist. Your
experience will make you stronger, wiser and, in time, ready for a healthy
relationship. In the meantime, focus on your own interests and rebuilding
your self-esteem.
Isn’t this a statement you tell yourself every day!? It plays in your mind like
a mantra, the self-affirmation reminding you that going in the right direction
will be worth it in the end. It should be so easy - why stay with someone
who has no empathy, care or kindness towards you and who wants to see
you suffer? Yet it is not a easy as it seems, hence why you need to repeat
statements such as this.
Divorce is a serious thing. The process inevitably means that you have
decided to part ways, restart your life and take back your individual
resources, belongings and physical necessities. This in itself is a major red
flag in a codependent-narcissist relationship! Your partner’s entire identity
is merged in the reality that he or she can feed off you, use you as their
hidden and subtle yet powerful support system, and bounce off your
kindness, empathy and positive attributes. So, once you starting responding
this destroys their world. They can no longer keep up the facade once you
make the decision that their actions are not acceptable. This can only
happen when you begin to respond.
True response begins when you start to slow down and become an observer
of both your own thoughts and feelings and your partner’s. This is best
achieved through meditation and mindfulness. The significance of these
two self-help methods cannot be overlooked. They are both extremely
powerful in helping you to live your best life, be free from narcissistic
abuse or targeting, and to start responding.
The hardest battle you will fight is not one for your recovery. It’s the fight
for your right to leave the narcissist. Creating physical, mental and
emotional distance between you and the narcissist are crucial aspects of the
recovery process. They will never make it easy, and getting away from them
may be a very traumatizing experience - especially when you don’t know
what you’re dealing with. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out and we
have to face the narcissist in their injured and enraged state if we wish to be
free.
In essence, mindfulness can help you see the light and recognize that your
mind is a powerful tool. You are not responsible for your partner’s thoughts,
behaviors, actions or inactions, but you do have control over your own.
This is one thing that many people don’t tell you when taking the steps to
divorce a narcissist. You need mantras or affirmation-like statements to
keep you on course, remind you that this really is in your best interest, and
that it will be worth it in the end. The psychological, mental and emotional
abuse and trauma you have suffered are real, and regardless of how many
times you have been gas-lighted, or made to appear crazy, in the wrong or
losing the plot, you know the truth in the core of your cells. Being with a
narcissist is completely detrimental to your health.
If you feel yourself becoming stressed, anxious, nervous or heated inside,
these are sure signs that you are on the verge of a reaction. Unlike in
partnerships where narcissism is not present or a key theme, and where
most people are allowed a few moments of blowing off steam or showing
weakness; in this relationship you are not provided the patience,
compassion or support necessary. This means that even when or if your
partner does happen to be in a serene, kind or non-narcissistic space you
may unfortunately spark them with your own reactive behaviors. It is
extremely rare for a true narcissist to see you becoming upset or worked up
on your own accord and not use it as a chance for drama, or further
manipulation.
You get the idea. The moment you leave the narcissist, but have to keep in
touch with them for whatever reason, your life will be under inspection.
The narcissist will be quick to assume details about your private life and
paint a dirty picture. If you fall for this trick, they’ll have you hooked and
you'll continue to be their narcissistic supply. Your attempts to correct their
wrong assumptions will make them feel superior and will only lead to more
negative comments.
Narcissistic abuse hasn’t just made us feel bad about ourselves. It’s actually
changed the way we think. Yes, those negative and hurtful thoughts will sit
with you and pop up into your mind when you’re feeling down. Aside from
the internalized voice of the narcissist constantly putting us down,
narcissistic abuse has changed how we view others and how we process
what they have to say. It's easy to end up being affected by our abusers
without even realizing that it was them who introduced and reinforced
certain thought processes in our minds. Managing conflict is the same if not
similar to learning how to respond. When dealing with someone with
deeply buried narcissism, you need to know how to respond appropriately
and in a way that doesn’t cause further harm to yourself. Once again, you
are not responsible for the narcissist’s energy. You may have spent years
being the most patient, loyal, loving and understanding or empathetic
partner, yet these qualities are all lost on them. Managing conflict during or
after the divorce proceedings should not be viewed as any different.
Please do not make the mistake of thinking that now you are finally free, or
soon to be free, that your partner will suddenly ‘see sense’ or have a
heartfelt awakening. They will not. A narcissist will always view you as
their scapegoat and wall or mirror to project their stuff onto, so now you are
taking the correct steps and working towards your own wellbeing and
happiness; they do not want to let go or give you up so easy.
The following steps may seem simple or effortlessly implemented, yet they
are not! Narcissists will do everything in their power to maintain their
illusion of power, and try to keep you entrapped in their games until it really
is all over. So, in order to combat this and manage conflict successfully, do
stay committed and completely aligned to the following. They are all
necessary for your happiness, peace of mind and success.

Kindness, Tolerance & Self-Respect

Above anything else you need to have self-respect. This links with kindness
and tolerance, which are both necessary to manage and deal with conflict
harmoniously. The self-respect part is the trinity due to the fact that you
won’t receive much kindness or respect from your partner, unfortunately.
However, you should seek to remain kind and tolerant during the process.
There is great truth in the validity of the power or law of attraction. We
attract, magnetize and harmonize to us what we give out, so any energy or
intentions we project we will receive. If you are sending out harmful,
hurtful or separation based vibrations - you shall receive more from your
partner. In other words, you cannot fight chaos and narcissism with more
destruction or ill wishes! Showing kindness and respect, even if in neutral
and indifferent civil ways, will allow you to remain sane, clear headed and
calm; also enabling you to stay as clear as possible from your partner’s
detrimental motivations.

Being Your Own Best Friend, Lover and Soulmate

To succeed, you need to be your own best friend, lover and soulmate. You
need to practice self-love and show up for yourself (because your
narcissistic partner isn’t going to). Managing conflict is not just about what
you can do for the other person or situation as a whole, but it is about what
you can do for yourself. Being your best self for you allows you to be your
best self for others. Even if your partner is incapable of rationality or
niceness, this commitment to being the best version of you still has a
positive effect. Subtle energy and intentions are real, and showing up for
yourself in a way which states that you are self-loving, self-respecting and
not going to tolerate anything less than harmonious and ethical cooperation,
means that the situation will flow better than if you didn’t commit to these
things. Your vibe projects outwards, also influencing physical reality and
the experiences you attract. How divorce or separation proceedings go can
all be changed and shaped by your mindset.
 Conclusion
Thank you for making it through to the end of this book. You might have
dealt with one in the past or are dealing with one now. If you don’t want the
narcissist to control your life and dictate every action of yours, then you
need to learn to deal with him. There are various steps you can take to sever
all ties with a narcissist and regain control of your life. It is time you take
action, put your foot down and get your life back on track.
With the help of the information provided in this book, you will be able to
identify a narcissist quickly. Once you can identify him, it becomes easier
to deal with him and take corrective action. You can prevent yourself from
becoming a narcissist’s pawn. Now, all that you must do is take action
immediately and deal with the narcissist in your life.
If cutting contact from a narcissist is not possible, other techniques may be
employed to make life easier, and avoid infuriating or upsetting them.
Avoiding being in their inner circle, whilst remaining warm and approving
allows a safe distance to be maintained - making attack or upset far less
likely. Causing unnecessary injury to their ego through exposing them as
abusive or less than they think themselves to be, rejecting them or
outshining them is likely to backfire and cause a great deal of commotion.
If peace is the main objective, understanding and avoiding these triggers is
preferable.
Get all the support you can get either through a private therapist or a
support group. Be easy on yourself as well and stand strong to your
emotions and your needs. As you move forward take what you have learned
from this book and do what is best for you in your life.
Lastly, as you navigate this painful process, do not feel discouraged if you
slip up. You are not perfect, and that is okay! Recognizing that fact is one of
the key features that separates you from a narcissist. It is okay to recognize
and acknowledge our weaknesses and faults. Understanding them only
makes us more capable as people. Only the narcissist will expect perfection,
and that is due to his own distorted thinking. Do not expect perfection from
yourself. It is okay to fail sometimes. When you mess up or slip up, the best
thing you can do is pick yourself up, remind yourself that you are doing
okay, and keep moving forward. You are more than capable of healing from
the narcissist’s abuse with a little perseverance and guidance.
 Divorcing and Healing from a
Narcissist

EMOTIONAL AND NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY.

CO-PARENTING IN AN EMOTIONALLY DESTRUCTIVE
MARRIAGE AND SPLITTING UP WITH A TOXIC EX

DR. THERESA J. COVERT

 Introduction
A narcissist is a selfish, self- centered, and egotistical person. Whereas
characters such as empaths are selfless, always considering the well-
being of others and striving towards kindness, service and generosity;
narcissists are primarily selfish. Furthermore, they simply do not care and
have deeply destructive levels of non- compassion. In other words, a
narcissist lacks empathy and compassion in their entirety.
Narcissism is defined by overlooking over people’s feelings, enjoying or
getting a ‘kick’ off the suffering of others and a twisted and unhealthy form
of excessive self- love. Self- love is beautiful, it is a positive thing. Yet to a
narcissist, their idea of self- love is expressed in a very detrimental and self-
deceptive way. This also reflects outwards into their personal, work,
romantic, sexual and family relationships.
In this book, Divorcing a Narcissist, we will go through the many
varying elements to being in a relationship or partnership with a narcissist
and breaking free from their chains. We explore codependency, the stages
of being in a narcissistic marriage; how to manage conflict, understand a
narcissist's games and overcome any practical obstacles to health and
happiness, and finally how to break free, put up healthy and strong
boundaries and live your best life.
Healing is an inevitable part of life. Fortunately for you and with the help of
the wisdom and techniques for recovery within these chapters, you will be
your confident, happy, whole and best self in no time.
 Chapter 1: UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM

Understanding and Defining

Narcissism

N arcissism is not a positive thing to have to deal with, especially with

someone you love and once cherished. Assuming that you are not a
narcissist yourself and truly can’t comprehend the uncaring,
uncompassionate, pain causing and egocentric ways of your narcissistic
partner, there is inevitably some healing to be had.
Narcissism is often referred to as Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) although it is important to know they are not mutually exclusive.
Narcissism is the general characteristics displayed- some of which we have
already covered- whereas NPD is the term given to those who have
developed the flaws and distortions and embodied them as a personality. It
is considered a disease or illness to many. However, like with any disease or
illness it is not permanent, and this is something that should be recognized
even if lightly. Many people who are married to true narcissists spend years
attempting to help their partner, rise them up and support them with
patience, kindness and compassion. Any disease is something being at dis-
ease with itself, narcissism is essentially a lack of harmony and unity of the
self within. Your narcissistic lover, therefore, has a fundamental ‘split’ or
distortion in their own energy systems.
To truly understand and define narcissism or NPD it is necessary to look at
“the empath personality.” The empath personality can be seen as a
narcissist’s personality polar opposite. Essentially the narcissistic and
empathetic nature are two extreme opposites. Why is this important to
know you may be wondering? Well, a narcissist is attracted to empaths or
people with a highly empathetic nature in words almost indescribable.
Empaths are like a drug to the extreme narcissist, there is a magnetic
chemistry which pulls an empath into the narcissist’s orbit. The same is true
for empaths. When a highly empathetic person is not healed, balanced and
whole within- with terrible boundaries- they allow narcissistic characters
into their personal space.
Understanding “The Empath Personality” to Define Narcissism
Referring back to empaths being polar opposites to narcissists, narcissists
become drawn and magnetized to the caring, giving and selfless nature of
an empath. Narcissists love to take when empaths love to give.
Furthermore, empaths are known for their massive hearts, unconditional
sense of compassion and natural tendencies to take on roles such as the
‘caregiver’, ‘counsellor’ or ‘healer.’ There is a strong sense of selflessness
present within the empathetic personality, they will happily give freely of
their time, energy, resources, love, affection, or even money. There is a
sense of beautiful and naive trust present in empaths or those with
highly empathetic natures.
Empathetic Qualities
When discovering the qualities of the empath personality, which you are
bound to embodying when finding yourself in a partnership with a
narcissist; it is a good reminder to remember your intentions for personal
healing and recovery. Just because a narcissist has some unfavorable and
highly hurtful beliefs, behaviors and ways, it doesn’t mean you have to
lower yourself in the name of ‘equality'. This is the key to understanding
your relationship with a narcissist and the key to getting through a divorce.
“The Empath Nature”/ Empathetic Qualities:-
● Understanding.
● Compassion.
● An ability to connect with others on a deep level.
● The ability to ‘read minds,’ feel feelings and know exactly what it is
like to be in another’s shoes.
● Caring and a sense of nurturing.
● A deep love and respect for nature, others and animals.
● Sensitive and considerate to others’ needs.
● Usually found in some caring, creative, healing or service- oriented
field. Many empaths or highly empathetic people work in charity,
care or support work, counselling, spirituality fields or mediumship,
humanitarian projects, animal welfare, or as a nurse, physician,
 healer, therapist; or any other service profession relating to helping
others.
● Advanced and higher frequency emotional functioning.
● Aware and conscientious.
● Conscious of their surroundings, environments and personal
relationships.
● Creative, artistic or uniquely gifted. They use their artistic and
imaginative gifts and abilities to shine light in some way, acting as a
channel for higher thought forms, idealistic and compassionate
concepts, or ‘genius’ perspectives that will benefit others.
Being aware of this can aid in your understanding of narcissism and all its
many implications as a narcissist gets drawn to these beautiful and positive
qualities and seeks to destroy them, further causing pain, suffering and
chaos on their path.
Now, if we look to the characteristics of a narcissist you will see just
how polar opposite and dualistic empaths and narcissists are.
● Selfish.
● Self- centered.
● Egotistical.
● Vain.
● Insensitive.
● Lacking any if not all empathy and compassion.
● All about ‘number 1.’
● An unhealthy sense of entitlement.
● Deceptive.
● Manipulative.
● ‘Feeds’ off the pain and suffering of those they claim to love.
 ● Unnurturing.
● Unresponsive to others’ feelings.
● Extreme and exaggerated feelings of self- importance.
● Unhealthy self- esteem and self- wealth.
● Self- delusions and inner traumas masking as confidence and
‘empowerment.’
In short, a narcissist causes pain and suffering to those they love and the
unfortunate truth is they don’t care. It’s all about ‘number 1’ and narcissists
are some of the most selfish and addictive personalities you will ever meet.
Karmic entanglement is also often present. Karmic entanglement, or
karmic exchange, refers to entering into unhealthy or destructive exchanges,
ones where the narcissist gives out harmful or hurtful energy and thus
becomes a part of a cycle. This cycles becomes recurrent and repetitive
until they can learn to transcend their karma, look at the lessons inherent,
and evolve from them.
For a narcissist, this can be very difficult as it involves considerable levels
of compassion, self- forgiveness and empathy; which is virtually impossible
for someone with NPD. For you this means that you unconsciously and
often unwillingly enter into these karmic entrapments. Notice the use of the
word ‘entrapment.’Karmic exchanges are usually exchanges, a mutual
agreement by two individuals to learn from one another, evolve and grow
together and individually. Yet, with a narcissist karma is an entrapment,
quite simply because what you expected to receive and experience is the
literal opposite of what you get. A ‘normal,’ caring, kind and warm- hearted
person has no clue as to the true nature of a narcissist and therefore couldn’t
possibly comprehend that the relationship would turn out the way it does.
Remember, narcissism is often called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
So, because you don’t consciously choose to become involved in such a
destructive, uncaring and hurtful relationship, at least not at face value, your
connection can be seen as an entrapment. Karma in its independent
expression is not necessarily negative, it can be a beautiful exchange of
energy; full of self- discovery, growth, personal development and self-
evolution. It is only the narcissist’s ways which make your entanglement an
entrapment.
This is one of the main topics we will explore in later chapters. Feelings of
shame, issues of self- worth and self- esteem, and a general ‘underlying
depression’ can all be a result of being with a narcissist for a long period of
time. However, the key to your recovery and healing is to recognize that
you are not your partner. We are all individuals and your beliefs,
perspectives, attitudes and actions are not representative of your narcissistic
partner. Once you understand this full and integrate the teaching, you can
finally be free. Personal freedom is highly attainable.
 “The Codependent - Narcissist Dance”: The Perfect Dysfunctional
Relationship
Unless you are completely autonomous, self- sovereign and independent
you are most likely codependent in some way. This is because we are all
co- dependent, to an extent. We all have innate capabilities and capacity for
community, co- operation and co- existence, and with these come a natural
level of codependency. In normal (aka- non- narcissistic relationships) this
isn’t a massive problem and can actually lead to some beautiful connections
and healthy attachments. However, this innate tendency towards
codependency can be a major problem when dealing with a narcissistic
friend, lover or partner.
‘The Codependent- Narcissist Dance’ is therefore referring to the natural
and innate tendencies any and all human beings have towards their
partners when in a relationship. This does not mean that you are
codependent or have personal problems with codependency, it is only
referring to the energy exchanges and interaction between yourself and your
narcissistic ‘other’ (partner, husband, wife, or lover).
Unlike in normal relationships and marriages which are loving, affectionate,
kind and warm- hearted, mutually respecting and supportive, and also with
deep and sufficient levels of intimacy and inspiration (lifting your partner
up when they need it); a connection with a narcissist is nothing like this.
They are inherently selfish with a primary disregard of your feelings.
‘Compassion,’ ‘empathy’ and ‘sensitivity to your needs’ do not play an
integral part to their reality.
The best way to understand what occurs in the ‘dance,’ on a deeper level,
between a loving and normal- oriented relationship and one with a
narcissist, is to look at the differences between the intentions, motivations
and energetic exchanges present. The table below covers quite a lot of
significant points to further develop our discovery.
 ‘Normal’ Relationship Relationship with
a Narcissist

Affection, raw or vulnerable Manipulation, emotional deception,

emotion, deep and sincere feelings, gaslighting, white or severe lies,
authenticity and honesty. arrogance, pride and egocentricity
(on the narcissist’s behalf).

An emotional desire to be close The emotional desires of exerting

intimately, romantically and their will and making you feel small
sexually. or down. Wanting you to be
powerless, jealous, confused,
intimidated, vulnerable, fearful,
angry or frustrated.

Mutual feelings of trust and respect. Little to no real respect (there may
be an illusion sense of respect
present when in social settings).

Thinking and feeling in terms of a ‘Me,’ ‘mine’ and ‘I’ often replace
partnership; values such as ‘we’ and ‘us.’ There is little to no
cooperation, communication, consideration of actually being in a
empathy, consideration, harmony partnership.
and ‘we’ are present.

A sense of inspiration- both A genuine lack of care for their

partner’s inspire one another to be partner’s (your) self- development,
the best versions of themselves; or happiness, success or personal goals
at least support one another. and dreams coming true. It is all
about them.

Specific Focus: Elements of this Dysfunctional Relationship

In a dysfunctional relationship you and your partner ‘bounce’ off each
other. Daily interactions, real energy exchanges; these are defined by an
unwanted and unwilling entered sense of codependency which comes with
the codependent- narcissist dance. It can be an extremely unconscious act
entering into a relationship with a narcissist. At first they appear charming,
friendly, ‘nice’ and kind- hearted; there is a real charm to them. However,
over time this charm become diluted and their real colors begin to show.
Once you are in a relationship with a narcissist it can be very difficult to
recognize that there is a strong element of codependency involved. This is
because they have literally magnetized you in- you are entwined on a
deeper level than meets the eye. This is why we refer to the interactions
present as a dance. You and your partner are energetically entangled.
This would be OK and even amazing if they weren’t narcissistic, but the sad
truth is that the agreement you have unconsciously entered into is full of
pain, confusion, suffering and endless self- doubt. Regardless of how
strong, centered and self- empowered you are, a narcissist can always make
one feel unworthy in some way, or question yourself to the points of low
self- esteem and near complete destruction of self- confidence.
There are many different angles when exploring your relationship so the
best way to do this thoroughly is to break it down into stages.
When talking about work
When you are talking about work there is a strong element of dismissal. A
narcissist neither supports you fully nor do they truly care. Your successes,
achievements, victories and soulful passions are of little importance to
them. What would be provided in a normal partner’s happiness through
hearing of your happiness, there is instead a cold indifference. If you are
dealing with an extreme narcissist then we could even go so far to say that
they get annoyed, irritated or upset by your successes. There is virtually no
support or joy for you. It is in these situations when a narcissist’s true
selfish ways shine through. Furthermore, they don’t care about hiding their
true feelings or even pretending. It is almost like they want you to know
that they have little to no positive feelings towards you, and they are happy
for their ego to be seen in all of its (false) glory.
The key to remember at this stage is that narcissists thrive off people
knowing who they are and still choosing to bend to their will, or play their
games. What may be deeply disturbing, embarrassing or intolerable to a
normal person is perfectly acceptable and encouraged to a narcissist. Many
behaviors and actions which makes us feel awkward or extremely
compassionate actually feed the narcissist’s personality. Quite simply, they
get sparked from others’ reactions.
Yet because their personality and the identity they have created are so
strong, they get away with it. People still remain in their orbit (for the most
part), family still love them and friends and romantic partner’s still cling on
to the initial charm and brilliance they once knew and loved. Narcissists can
be very, very clever! Relating to work, this means that when you are in a
balanced, grounded and mature space it is harder to accept or even
contemplate that you have chosen a partner who is so not on your
wavelength.
“How could I possibly let someone so indifferent and selfish into
my personal space?”
“I thought we were on the same wave, where did I go wrong?”
“I truly believed s/he was mature, wise, brilliant and beautiful.
What on earth is going on?”
These are just some of the questions you may find yourself asking. Forward
thinking, luckily you can recognize these signs and learn to shape your own
path. There will always come a time when you realize just how selfish and
cold your partner, and supposed lover, can be. When this moment comes (or
when the final moment comes and you are finally ready to leave the cycle)
the epiphany that your career, heartfelt goals and dreams, and personal
aspirations are far more important than any tolerance of disrespect, abuse
and neglect. You are worthy of having a partner who supports and listens
to you, cherishing your work and passion in all you do in the process.

When with friends or family

Being around family with a narcissistic partner can be very tricky and also
painful. Why? The answer is very simple. When you are at home or alone
you are the target or their abuse. You are either a direct victim or if you
choose a path of attempting to rise above victim, you are certainly the
sufferer in the relationship. You have to go through endless attempts of
lifting your partner up, helping them see the light and putting the energy
into showing them a better way. You find yourself exhibiting vast levels of
compassion, patience, kindness and empathy, which all take a lot of energy
from you. Simply put- it can be very disheartening being with a true
narcissist.
Yet, when you are around friends and family nothing is wrong! They are the
life and soul of the gathering, and furthermore they are still charming and
lovable. This is the persona a narcissist wants to display, they want to
appear in a beautiful, shiny and positive light. Because of the strength of
both their character and illusion, it can be virtually impossible if not self-
harming to try and break this illusion. Any words, opinions, actions and
attitudes displayed in front of others which even verge on showing the
narcissist in their true light can cause a seemingly never- ending cycle; a
cycle which even the strongest person cannot deal with. Your partner may
turn on you, or they may twist things so severely that the only thing you can
do is to ‘’shut up,’ stop talking or appease them. They will suppress you and
silently bully you into conforming.
It is not necessarily abusive like you see in abusive relationships. The
interaction in a codependent- narcissistic relationship is more subtle, the
type of ‘abuse’ being referred to here is their deep and extreme
manipulation, deception and emotional trauma caused through their ways.
Regardless of your definition of abuse, however, it is still completely
disheartening and draining. So, when you are around family your narcissist
wife or husband is the perfect partner. They can do no wrong for they are
witty, smart, likeable, intelligent, helpful and kind. This kindness and
warmth often displayed is of course only a mask and only every shown
when around family; they need people to believe them. If everyone was a
target of their narcissistic abuse, there wouldn’t be anyone to cover for them
in times of social need. As we explore in the next section narcissists thrive
off social support. It is their key to success.
There will always be someone in your family who you are closest to.
Although it may initially be hard to take in and further deeply disturbing
and heartbreaking, your partner chooses this person to sweeten. Life is a
game to a narcissist and therefore your relationship is also a game. If you
can confide in your sister, aunt or father, your narcissist partner will pay
extra attention to your sister, aunt or father. Charm, humor, effort, warmth
and attention will all be applied to make sure that your ally is their ally.
Again, narcissists need someone to help keep their delusions strong, so if
the person or people you choose to confide in no longer believe you or see
the situation for what it truly is; then your energy and support diminishes.
There is a strong aspect of ‘energy vampire’ in play here, yet the difference
is that narcissists get away with it due to their added charm and strong
personal vibration.
The best thing you can do in a situation like this is to sit down with the
person you feel you wish to confide in. You need to make sure that they
know you are being serious and are in need of a real heart to heart.
Anything less than complete depth, honesty, vulnerability and self-
acceptance of the situation will not do. If there is any form of ‘light-
hearted’ bitching, slander or negative speak this will simply feed the
narcissist’s game. This is the only vibe they know. So, to truly make your
situation known and gain the support you need, make sure you are first
serious with yourself before opening up to someone. Taking the right steps
towards healing and inevitable break up (if you choose this path) come into
this.

When in social settings

Social settings feed the illusions and intended stories of a narcissist. There
is an element of ‘lone wolf gone wrong’ with narcissists, or a lone wolf
immersed in darkness and the shadow self! Narcissists need to be liked, yet
they are still highly independent in a social group. They make sure to
always maintain their own self- worth and autonomy even when they
appear to have many friends or admirers around them. This is the trick, they
appear to have many friends. In truth a narcissist doesn’t really have any
friends as they are selfish and manipulative, also being all about what they
can take and how they can deceive. Thus, to an outside perspective they are
sociable, charming, extroverted and friendly with a good heart and a healthy
mind; although internally there is another story. The hidden intentions and
motivations of a narcissist are to use and manipulate people to ultimately
benefit their own self in some way, and it is important to have at least a
couple of people on ‘their side’ who they have a strong hold over.
When the time comes everyone is expendable to the narcissist. Even you.
This is the hurtful part and the reason why it can take so long to recover
from a narcissistic relationship or marriage. You have been their rock, their
gem, their support system and their subtle yet guiding light. Presuming you
are not a narcissist yourself, you have spent months to years being patient,
kind, compassionate and caring, also doing your best to have a healthy,
loving and harmonious relationship. You have had to put up with appeasing
your partner when with friends and family, or being suppressed to keep
their personality manipulations in tact. Simply put, you have already
suffered a lot.
So when it comes to those few groundbreaking moments in social scenarios
where you really and truly need a partner, a soul mate and a best friend; this
can be your key moment. Once or twice is an in the moment action, a
couple more times is a habit or repeated behavior, but permanently and
perpetually is a cycle. You do not want to get entwined in the cyclic
treatment from a narcissist!

When alone
When you alone together this is where the true signs of a dysfunctional
relationship come out into the limelight. It is virtually impossible if not
impossible for a narcissist to hide their true colors when alone with you,
one- to- one. You are trapped in an endless cycle of giving and taking, yet
this giving and taking is not balanced nor is it just.
Let’s look at the characteristics of the giving- taking cycles present in this
relationship.
● You recognize something is not right and start to see the
‘narcissistic shadow.’ Because you want the relationship to work,
and because you truly love them, you begin a route of compassion,
patience, active assistance- trying to help and steer things in better
directions; empathy, mindful and intended communication,
insightfulness and enhanced energy. Your enhanced energy means
that you always go that extra mile to try and reason with your
partner and make them see sense. You may also sporadically do
moments of the opposite- attempting to ‘match their vibe’ and
resort to brief frustration, anger, impatience, intolerance or upset. In
a normal relationship these tactics may work as you realize
everyone is capable of compassion, further admitting when they are
wrong and returning to the light. Yet in this relationship all of your
efforts and intentions go to waste. There is no reasoning with your
partner.
● You constantly feel like you have to dim your light for your partner.
You simply are not allowed to shine, be successful, achieve
anything above and beyond your relationship, or actively show and
 experience personal joy and satisfaction in any way. Each time you
do you are met with narcissism. Your partner’s ego suppresses you
and all of your magnificence. This has considerable negative effects
on your morale, self- esteem, confidence and a sense of
empowerment. Your work, personal or family relationships may
suffer as a result.
● If you are already committed to some self- love, self- care or healing
practice the only times you feel truly content and free to be yourself
is when you have distanced yourself and are doing your own thing.
Going for a walk in nature, immersing yourself in some project or
hobby outside of your home, and taking sufficient time to be with
friends or family helps greatly; however the underlying problem
still remains. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can drain you,
and even when you have done everything in your power to rise
above or take the space necessary to re- charge, your partner does
not wish to learn or change. If you are on a journey of self- love and
healing then your partner’s behavior and overall energy will feel
very alien and distorted to you. You will most likely attempt to nip
it in the bud as soon as you see the situation for what it is.
Otherwise, depending on your choice (instantly leaving or choosing
to stay) you will suffer internal chaos and resistance through being
pulled in different directions.
● The attention is always on them. Their selfish, egotistical, self-
righteous, self- absorbed, mean and hurtful, non- empathetic and
uncompassionate ways are in full effect when you are alone. This is
because you are their main target, the main person they feel they
can be themselves around. It doesn’t matter how terrible, selfish and
unkind they are as you still love them regardless. There is a huge
element of ‘game playing’ present, you are seen as easily
manipulatable or even gullible and naive. Unfortunately, your
narcissistic partner plays off this reality and self- created story. If
you allow this game to perpetuate, it can be very hard to break free
from as you will have given away your power.
● Finally, the ultimate ‘giving- receiving’ cycle is in full force and
manifests in a number of different ways. Absolutely anything you
 do, say or believe is met with a complete resistance. You say white
so they say black. You shine light, so they express shadow.
Compromise, balance, harmony, cooperation and fairness in your
relationship are virtually non present and furthermore you are
manipulated to feel that you are always wrong, or stupid.
Holistically speaking, your partner treats you in a very ‘low vibed’
and uncaring way.
In the bedroom
Sexually, romantically, and intimately- being with a narcissist is not
something one would willingly enter before creating a deep bond. The
‘codependent- narcissist dance’ is amplified in the bedroom, and at times it
is like you are their personal plaything. Take your awareness back to when
you first met. They were charming, wise, funny, likeable, lovable, attentive
to your needs, sexy and highly attractive. This is the persona they
exhibit to get their needs met.
Exhibit is not even the accurate term to use; force, push, attempt so hard to
portray, trick, manipulate, and execute with utmost intensity would all be
more accurate. In short, you are magnetized to their manipulations still
holding onto the memories of how things used to be. To further exacerbate
this is the fact that you know your partner is (or was) capable of love, real
devotion and intimate connection. The thought of them using you, not
caring or treating you like their toy for their selfish ends is not something
which one would want to even consider, let alone accept as how things are.
It is not even just about sex or physical satisfaction. The games of a
narcissist in the bedroom are more psychological, mental and emotional.
They know that desire, bond, love, intimacy and emotional, mental and
psychological merging are natural and healthy, so they play on this. They
receive great pleasure from your silent suffering.
This is the ultimate codependent- narcissist dance and once you are
entwined in their hidden motivations it can be difficult to free yourself. You
may become addicted to the feeling if you are naturally submissively
inclined, or you could still be holding onto the hope and belief that this is
just a phase; that your partner’s true self will shine once more.
Heartbreakingly, it won’t. This is the true nature of a narcissist.
When you are empowered, or aligned to your own path- purpose-
passions
Like with work topics, when you are self- empowered and in a generally
‘brilliant and beautiful’ space you are like catnip to a cat. Without going
into too much detail, your passion, sense of purpose, inner fire and zest or
spark for life is too much for the narcissistic personality. It is like dangling a
treat in front of a dog, or having a bottle of cold, crystal clear water in front
of someone who has been on a five hour hike in the heat. You are
essentially a flame waiting to be put out.
This may seem like an excessive amount of analogies, but hopefully they
show the extent of the dynamic when you are in your prime! The only thing
which is in your control is your response. Will you allow your narcissistic
partner to pull you out of your flow and into a dysfunctional and harmful
reality? Or will you stand your ground, release this unhealthy codependency
and stay fully committed to your truth and self? Boundaries are the key
here, as is self- love and self- respect.
When you are down or sensitive
Codependency’s ultimate manifestation is when you are down or sensitive.
It is natural to have moments of weakness, low morale or extreme
sensitivity; we all go through cycles and stages. With a kind, caring, and
non- narcissistic partner these moments allow your other half to shine, step
into their compassion and be a beautiful partner. The elements of support,
companionship and being someone’s rock are allowed to come forth in all
of their beauty.
More generally speaking if you usually suffer from low moods or
sensitivity you are the ideal person to be with for a narcissist. A narcissist
needs someone to attach to and they equally like to be clung on to. This
ultimately expands their power, as your codependence to their narcissism
perpetuates and further increases their narcissism. Remember that a
narcissist feels genuine joy, peace and pleasure from their ways- they are
not seen as an illness or something negative to them.
 “Narcissists and Normals”:
Why You Are the Perfect Match for a Narcissist
Here are five major reasons why you are the perfect match for a narcissist.
1. Magnetism
There is always some magnetic quality which draws you together, whether
that be their charm, shared interests or simply your empathy. There is truth
in the saying ‘opposites attract’ and a narcissist is, fundamentally, the polar
opposite of non- narcissists (due to their complete lack of empathy, sincere
emotion and inner moral compass).

2. Feeding their Personality

You feed them. You feed their ego, you feed their narcissism and you feed
their motivations for wanting to inflict pain, suffering or sadness on another.
Of course, you aren’t responsible for their behaviors or feelings- it is your
natural self that feeds their narcissistic personality. Any positive or lovely
quality you possess is fuel to their out of control- burning and destructive
fire.
3. The Need to Thrive off Others
(to keep their illusions in play)
Illusion is a word strongly associated with narcissism and something in
which you unconsciously play to. Delusion is also accurate. A delusion is
essentially an idiosyncratic belief, recurring thought or impression which
contradicts reality- rooted in some sort of mental imbalance or faulty
perception. A narcissist needs this not only to thrive but to survive. Their
whole reality is dependent on it and furthermore they need others to keep
their delusions intact. They achieve this through the fear, intimidation and
hurt they cause to others, and the subsequent codependent- narcissist dance
their targets become entangled in.
Ultimately your purity of thought, faith and hope or trust that there is
beauty, goodness and truth inside of them perpetuates their ‘thriving,’ and
thus makes your true nature the perfect match to their manipulations and
hidden motivations.
 4. Deception and Manipulation
Narcissists are so deceptive and manipulative that they bounce off your
honesty and authenticity. They also grow stronger and more powerful in
their convictions and illusions because of them. Your characteristics are like
sparks to their deceptive and manipulative qualities, making you the perfect
match because you have already been enticed by their charm. Remember,
the initial narcissist charm and their extreme narcissistic personality traits
are part of the same package; they are both two elements to the narcissistic
persona and character they have created. In this respect, once you are
enticed and under some belief or impression that they are genuine and
warm- hearted- nice people, capable of love, intimacy, friendship and
companionship; it is very easy from this point to keep you trapped in their
game.
5. Empathy and Compassion
It has been said before but it needs to be said again. Any person capable of
real and deep levels of empathy and compassion are perfect for the
narcissist. Unfortunately, this means you and every single person on planet
earth who isn’t overcome with narcissistic personality disorder or traits
have the potential to be entwined in a narcissistically abusive relationship.
The words 'magnetism’ and ‘fuelling their fire’ have been shared quite a
few times now, but this is because these are the two most accurate
expressions to portray and truly understand what is occurring . It can be
hard to believe humane, decent and rawly vulnerable and sincere qualities
like empathy and compassion are catalysts for pain infliction, joy and
happiness from causing suffering to others, and emotional manipulation and
intimidation; but it is a reality that, once accepted, can lead to great healing,
release and recovery.
 Dating a Narcissist
Dating a narcissist is interesting. Assuming that you are already married to
one and are seeking divorce, or have already separated or begun the
procedures, you will already be aware of quite a few of the aspects involved
in the dating stages. If not, however, or simply if you are reading this to
seek clarity and look back at your past for self- discovery, healing and
release; there are certain signs and red flags to look out for in the dating
cycles. It is also very useful to explore why narcissists are so appealing and
what they themselves get attracted to.

‘The Signs’
The major sign which is the root and stem to all other signs, red flags and
things to watch out for is known as the “social factor,” or more specifically-
“the social illusion.” This is, in essence, the charm and social grace or
wisdom narcissists show when in social settings. Family gatherings, peer
settings, group work, social scenarios with colleagues or peers, and
friendship groups or social situations are all prime moments where you can
truly see a narcissist as a narcissist, if you are able to play the role of
observer. In society nowadays we are predominantly extrovert. It is not
normal for someone to be intrinsically and wholly connected to a social
group and be sat in solitude, introspection, observation or with a pen and
paper, or pencils and drawing pad in hand. These are the type of displays
and behaviors which define an extrovert’s opposite: introversion. Introverts
or those predominantly introspective inclined are highly observant. They do
not need to talk much and can be an active member of any group, friendship
circle or social setting through their silence and subconscious. Introverts are
said to be very much rooted in the abstract.
How does this relate to narcissism and noticing the signs that you may be
dealing with a narcissist? Well, for starters you can learn from them and
seek to embody their traits. It is very easy to be caught up and seduced into
the narcissist’s charm, especially when there is always constant noise,
interaction and sensory stimuli to keep you under their spell. Yet detaching
or withdrawing slightly and taking on the role of the silent yet highly aware
observer, just like an introvert or introspective person does, will allow you
to pick up on all the clues; and then some! We have both an intuitive and an
analytical and logical- rational mind. Many artists, writers, painters, poets,
creatives and philosophers or deep thinkers are very much connected to
their right brain. The right brain or right hemisphere is related to spatial
awareness, creativity, intuition, imagination and holistic thinking and
perception. For this reason, it shines through when you become less
extroverted and ‘go within,’ paying attention to subtle senses, hidden
impressions and motivations and levels of higher thinking.
And this is exactly what a narcissist fails to see! The thing you need to
know about narcissism is that those who have it deeply ingrained as part of
their personality are so entwined in their own stories and self- delusions that
it is virtually impossible to notice anything but their own world. Narcissists
create a reality where they are the center stage, and no one could possibly
find them out or expose them because they are so arrogantly and ignorantly
confident (even though this ‘confidence’ is false and not rooted in a real
sense of self- empowerment). Thus, in a social setting- if anyone were to be
a silent observer, happy and content in their own introspective or highly
observant and “of the radar” inner world; a narcissist would be ignorant to
it. It can almost be seen as their blind spot.
So, to truly see the signs when dating a narcissist, take some moments to
step back and play the introspective, quiet and anti- social one of the group.
You may even appear as shy, reserved or down- but this is OK. This allows
you the space to shine in your own silent way and get to the core of your
potential partner’s personality. All of the red flags below and knowledge
insights in the rest of this book will help you know exactly what to be
mindful of. Perhaps even take a journal, notepad and pencil or some artistic
and creative outlet with you. No one will judge or even notice as, the truth
is, everyone has an artistic side. Be the observer and watch your dating
partner’s body language, impressions, responses, behaviors and facial
expressions intently (yet subtly). You will start to unravel the truth in no
time.

Why they are So Appealing

Narcissists have a charismatic charm to them. This charm may only
diminish and be replaced with the characteristics of a narcissist's true
personality once you have become entangled in the relationship, or are
already married. There are some ‘blind spots’ which add to why they are so
appealing. These blind spots are sexual attraction, an innate desire for
codependency, seduction, idealization, familiarity and the need for
companionship.
1. Sexual attraction: It is easy to ignore red flags and overlook your
dating partner’s narcissistic characteristics when there is such a
strong sexual attraction. The main reason why narcissists are so
attractive is because of their charm. They are incredibly charming,
and this makes them even more appealing. Because of the innate
human desire for companionship too, the sexual appeal is amplified.
The underlying key point with sexual attraction is that,
unfortunately, we as a species carry a lot of deep and buried trauma.
There is an ancestral quality to this trauma which is often referred to
as ‘ancestral wounds.’ Essentially, we carry thousands of years
worth of trauma that is shared and part of the collective conscious
energy field. It is part of our psyches and stored in our cells. Reality
as we know it can be seen as a sort of dream, however it is a shared
dream and there are many characteristics and lessons all humans go
through. Karmic and ancestral wounds, trauma and unresolved
wounds all stem deep, and it is usually not until adulthood- or if
someone begins a profound journey of personal healing- that these
deep wounds start to come to the surface. In terms of sexual
attraction to a narcissist, this implies that there is a strong element
of being attracted to the pain, suffering and trauma a narcissist
brings. It is of course unconscious, but unconscious wounds and
pains can often attract unconscious experiences until they are
healed. In this sense, the future manipulations and narcissistic abuse
we suffer when with a narcissist are due to some deeply buried
wound which has its roots in the collective psyche and ‘wound of
the soul.’ There is a natural part of self which is bound for suffering,
due to being human. Like the seed which only knows darkness until
it finally evolves and sprouts above the earth, we all have lessons,
trials and tribulations which are essential aspects to our unique
journey. The intense sexual attraction one feels for a true narcissist
can be seen equating to this.

2. Desire for codependency: If you have low self- esteem, lack

confidence or are simply steered towards codependency narcissists
 can be extremely attractive. They appeal to you because they appear
‘on it,’ as if they have everything together. They also give the
impression that they are strong, centered and sincere- qualities
which are highly appealing to a sensitive and submissive nature.
You can truly believe the narcissist will provide for your needs,
further being the rock and gem you desire. In general,
codependency is a natural part of life however its degree depends on
your own insecurities and sense of independence. Many
codependents people please and sacrifice themselves in some way
for others. Due to a narcissist’s hidden nature (which you only
discover much further down the line or once you are already
married), this makes them attractive and magnetic. You literally
magnetize them into your orbit and vice versa based on both of your
individual- yet highly different- attitudes and beliefs towards
intimacy and connection. At first it appears like you are on the exact
same wave, however down the line you realize that your desire for
codependency or simply a shared and mutual relationship is in
polarity to the narcissist’s intentions.

3. Seduction: Narcissists are skilled seductors and seductresses. They

have mastered the art of manipulation and furthermore are
comfortably integrated into that role. Seduction is not just sexual, it
is also mental, emotional and psychological. They can be incredible
listeners and provide a false sense of security, allowing you to
believe they have your best interests at heart through their patience
and communicative abilities. Narcissists also have alluring qualities
and use flattery, self- disclosure and vulnerability to entice you into
a seductive attraction. Because you are none the wise, this false
pretense is incredibly stimulating and can form the basis of your
relationship; until you learn their true personality. But this may
already be once you are married, unfortunately. If not and you are
lucky enough to still be in the dating stage, or know someone who
is and don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did, being
aware of this can be the key to your immediate and long lasting
happiness!
4. Idealization: Narcissists can be very accomplished, successful,
powerful, multi- talented and socially attained, and they can also
 have lots of achievements which portray them in a favorable light.
There can be a strong sense of idealism, further meaning the
narcissist is presented as the ultimate or exemplary human being.
Regardless of whether you lack personal confidence and self-
esteem, are prone to codependency, place high importance on social
status, or view success and achievement as a form of power; the
‘worldly wins’ of an egotistical narcissistic are something many
idealize. Power, boldness, courage and strength are all the ‘light
self’ of the narcissist who has made a name for themselves, or
achieved some form of greatness in the physical world. This is of
course a mask, however until you learn their true deep- set
narcissism the persona they have created can be extremely attractive
and appealing. It is best to memorize the red flags as if they are the
Quran, Bhagavad Gita or Bible.

5. Familiarity: Unfortunately we carry many wounds with us into

adulthood. This means that there can be deep familiarity with
narcissists we are attracted to. Many people have narcissistic
parents or grandparents so their ways and attitudes become a normal
part of life. Even if we don’t agree with them, we still accept and
tolerate them; thus allowing them into our reality. This has an
unconscious yet powerful effect on our inner currents. Chemistry is
often signified by some deep and indescribable bond. Your
chemistry with a narcissist can be so appealing that the hidden
aspects of consciousness contributing to your attraction maintain
hidden for a very long time. During the dating stage, there will
always be some sense of comfort, like you have known them from
another life or have an unexplainable bond. Unlucky- as this
‘soulmate illusion’ is in fact a karmic bond where you inevitably get
hurt, suffer at the expense of their manipulations and non-
compassion, and learn the personal lessons the hard way. Still, it is
an undeniable bond and one which does involve a deep connection
and sense of familiarity. With the right wisdom, knowledge and
guidance you can always come out stronger and wiser.
6. Need for companionship: The need for companionship is a basic
human desire which drives us all. It is not even human, but
animalistic; a drive and necessity present within all species and
 living organisms. We are born inherently social, creatures which
naturally gravitate towards paths of family, community and society.
Intimacy and togetherness feel like something that can be provided
due to the false charm in the dating and getting to know stages. Like
with the ‘hidden wounds’ and subsequent magnetism expressed in
sexual attraction, your lack of awareness as to their true colors can
be majorly appealing if you have any karmic or self- evolutionary
lesson which need to come to light. Remember, life is a journey and
inevitably involves hardship, pain and suffering. There will always
be chances for growth and testing cycles to grow stronger from,
integrating the new found wisdom and maturity to be a better you.
Your initial attraction for a narcissist and all they have to bring is
one of these.

What they Get Attracted To

Anything pure and natural! Any and all beautiful and attractive qualities are
on the narcissist's magnetic radar. Let’s look at these at face value.
● Intelligence.
● Intellect.
● Being empathetic and compassionate.
● Having humanitarian interests.
● Showing heart.
● Openness.
● Emotional maturity.
● Friendliness and a love for life.
● Positive mental attitude.
● Spirit- an open and happy spirit.
● Success and achievements.
● Hierarchy or societal place on the ‘social ladder.’
● Resources- materialistic blessings or achievements.
 ● Unique talents, gifts and abilities.
● A genuine care for others, animals and the world.
● Shyness and insecurities.
● Someone easily shapeable.
● Inner beauty.
● External beauty and someone they can ‘show off.’
Because there are so many elements to the narcissist’s personality they can
always find some unique trait, gift or aspect of you to cling on to and use as
a tool for their narcissistic motivations further down the line. They can
easily get attracted to shyness, insecurities and someone ‘weaker’ or less
mature and aged who may be easily molded or manipulated; just as easy as
they could choose someone more secure and established within themselves,
either with some real physical achievements and successes or some unique
strength, positive quality and social status or perceived hierarchy.
Furthermore, humanitarian interests, being genuinely concerned about the
well- being and welfare of others, empathy, compassion, morality, kindness,
genuinity, sincerity, warm- heartedness and inner beauty are all qualities
which a narcissist looks out for. Being aware of the red flags are things to
be mindful of and can help greatly if you suspect that you may be attracted
to a narcissist.

Red Flags

Self- centeredness
Possibly the most profound red flag is a narcissist’s self- centeredness.
During the dating stage this will show in many different ways, through
body language, passing moments of eye contact, and their general
demeanour, words and beliefs. It is virtually impossible to hide their self-
centeredness and this is a major red flag of their narcissistic nature.

Arrogance
Moments of real and extreme arrogance will always shine through when
first getting to know your narcissist. They may attempt to mask it with
clever words, a self- righteous and ‘holy’ attitude, and a charm and wit
which they believe excuses them, however the truth remains that their inner
and deep-set arrogance is a key warning sign for their true personality to
come.
Bragging and need for Admiration
Bragging will be common when you are dating, even when they pull out all
the moves to be perceived as charming, attractive and intelligent. Their
inner need for admiration and attention is not like the normal person’s basic
human desire or survival need for connection and attention. Instead of
focusing on themselves and their gifts, talents and abilities they will focus
on others in a way to help them shine. Comparison is used as a tool in their
methods and there is a strong sense of putting themselves on a pedestal. The
need for adoration is strong.

Entitlement
One red flag which may not be so obvious but is still a clear sign is your
dating partner’s sense of entitlement. Regardless of what they are speaking
about, whether it be family situations, friendships or something in your
immediate environment, there will always be a clear sense of self-
entitlement. The key clue here is that they show little to no appreciation and
speak with an ‘arrogant confidence’ when referring to anything they
perceive to own, or be worthy of.
Self- Righteousness
Like with entitlement- self- righteousness is another clear sign that you are
dating a narcissist. Other associated signals to be conscious of: smugness,
lack of empathy, superiority, hypocrisy, smugness, lack of morality,
belittlement of others.

Belittling and ‘Negative Speak’

Finally, talking bad of others is a key red flag that you are about to enter a
codependent- narcissistic relationship. Whereas most people lift others up,
see the light in others for inspiration and a sense of oneness, community
and unity, or generally just have helpful, kind and productive things to say;
the narcissist will engage in frequent negative speak and even belittling or
slandering. They may just slip it into the conversation in a manipulative
way with some clear hidden false intention or motivation, or their
personality may be more apparent and they more upfront. Either way, the
innate need to speak bad of others and put others down is a red flag to be
mindful of.
 Signs You Have Narcissist Victim Syndrome
There is a difference between being a victim and playing victim. You are a
victim because you have to suffer the abuse and narcissistic ways of your
narcissist partner. However, playing victim ultimately takes away your
personal power. Shifting responsibility is not beneficial for anyone and by
choosing to cling on to this reality, you inevitably adopt a type of syndrome
associated with your feelings and experiences of victimhood.
Before going into the signs and manifestations of Narcissist Victim
Syndrome (NVS) first let’s explore what it means to be a victim of
narcissistic abuse. Please note this will only be present and occur further
down the line into your relationship, perhaps even years later or once you
are already settled into married life.
Victims of Narcissistic Abuse:-
● Suffer directly at the hands and will of narcissistic partners. They
recognize what is occurring from a grounded and self- aware level,
viewing the narcissist exactly as they are. Self- awareness here is
key.
● Suffer indirectly at the hands and will of narcissists. Victims see the
narcissist’s behaviour and intentions for what they are and realize
that they are a target and supply for their partner’s personality.
There is no sense of choosing to adopt a victim role, they
unfortunately naturally become a victim from the narcissist’s
actions.
● Attempt to take back their personal power and sovereignty. Instead
of ‘playing’ into the hands and intentions of the narcissist true
victims of abuse will always try to retain their own independence
and personal integrity.
● Try to heal or help their partner in some way. Whereas those with
NVS may lower their vibration to that of their partner’s, people who
are genuinely victims to narcissistic abuse will attempt to raise
their partner’s vibration.
 ● Have a lot of patience, understanding, compassion and wisdom.
They may use their perception, insight and own inner strength and
personal integrity to transcend the patterns of narcissistic abuse.
● Make a conscious decision to not suffer, even if this fails and they
suffer directly or indirectly as a result of the narcissist’s abuse. They
understand they have a choice and try to remain strong, regardless
of the circumstances presented to them.
● Walk on eggshells or sacrifice their own mental and emotional
health to appease, or please their abuser. They suffer actual
psychological turmoil and put aside their own needs, wants and
desires for their narcissistic partner.
● Attempt to protect their partner in some way or even allow
themselves to be gaslighted. There is always an underlying current
of wanting them and the relationship to change for the better.
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome and Why it is Unhealthy for Your
Well- Being
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, however, is consciously (or subconsciously)
“lowering your vibe” to match the energy of the narcissist. Being a victim
of narcissistic abuse can be a very serious and traumatic experience. The
energy, projections and harmful intentions of the narcissist linger in your
conscious mind and energy body for quite some time. What is the energy
body? The energy body is the part of self responsible for the whole person-
all of you. It is your emotions, memories, beliefs, thoughts, impressions,
persona, psyche, character and personality. It is also your soul essence, the
core of your being. Victims of narcissistic abuse suffer severely at the hands
of narcissists. Yet, NVS is slightly different.
The key difference is choice. You have great power to take back your life
and not play to the narcissist’s games! Fortunately there are many ways to
heal from NVS and transcend the recurring patterns of behavior. Let’s look
at some of these at face value.
● Therapy
● Self- healing
● Meditation
 ● Boundary strengthening
● Sound therapy
● Neuro- linguistic programming
● Counselling
● Nature therapy
● Spending more time with friends and family
● Immersing yourself in a passion or hobby

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome (NAS) is different to NVS, however.

Whereas NVS is taking on the role of victim and therefore giving away
your power, NAS is recognizing the role of the abuser (the narcissist) and
giving yourself the self- love and acceptance needed to heal.

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome: What is it?

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is the deep array of psychological abuse one
suffers from a narcissist. It is not as random or sporadic as narcissistic
displays in passing or from a friend of a friend or acquaintance; but it is
usually suffered when in a relationship with someone, or if you have
formed a deep bond over a longer period of time. There is an element of
karmic interplay involved in NAS, as the sufferer always unconsciously
enters into some energetic and karmic entanglement.
If you are divorcing or taking the steps to divorce then you most likely have
NAS or suffer from some of its symptoms. The symptoms are many and
there are many sociopathic and psychopathic tendencies displayed by the
narcissist. NAS is arguably one of the most extreme forms of narcissistic
abuse, or narcissism in its optimum. It is essentially a condition triggered by
being in a “warzone” with a narcissist who continuously seeks to take
control and command over you. Your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, will,
mind and whole being are no longer your own. You are instead ‘owned’ by
the narcissist and entrapped in their games.
It is an often indescribable attack on the spirit, psyche, soul and personal
identity. Being a sufferer of NAS can leave you feeling abused and with
some form of PTSD. Your psyche is under constant assault and name
calling, belittling, mind games and gaslighting are present and extreme.
Gaslighting
To start, if you suffer from Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome you will almost
certainly be gaslighted. The narcissist will attempt to erase you from their
existence in a way which makes you question your own sanity, intentions,
abilities and self- worth. Your self- esteem will plummet and you may
suffer with severe depression or anxiety. Gaslighting is making you
question your reality. You could be the most selfless, sincere, genuine, kind,
giving, patient, compassionate and empathetic of beings, yet with NAS you
will doubt all of these qualities.
There is also a question of being believed. It can be very hard to stand
strong in your own truth and clarity as the narcissist will attempt to distort
truths and “tell stories” to some of your closest friends and family.
Emotional Abuse
The emotional abuse suffered at the hands of a narcissist is on par with the
psychological and mental abuse when dealing with a psychopath or
sociopath. They use language in specific ways with intentions of capturing
and imprisoning your mind and will. Emotional manipulation and all it’s
connotations is most extreme in NAS. In fact, if someone was asked to
picture the most severe forms of emotional manipulation, the characteristic
of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome would be the optimal.
Deep and Severe Manipulation
Connected to emotional abuse is the deep and severe levels of manipulation
present. Referring back to the use of language previously mentioned;
mental, emotional and psychological manipulation will be apparent,
frequent and often. The victim and sufferer will not know where to turn or
how to escape from such extreme exertions of manipulation. Friends,
family and mutual acquaintances will even be turned and swayed. One key
thing to know is that narcissists are incredible story- tellers. They will use
your thoughts, desires, possessions, self- esteem, willpower and own
strength reserves for their own gain.
Betrayal
Narcissists are experts at betrayal. There is no limit to the amount of pain,
suffering and deception a narcissist can exhibit. Furthermore they simply
don’t care. They lack empathy to the point of sadism and are happy to
intentionally inflict deep trauma and betrayal on those who love and care
for them. Linked to this is the aspect of bullying. You may not only be lied
about and betrayed in this sense, but also bullied, threatened and made to
feel severely weak or inferior through words and speech. This is a complete
betrayal of your trust, of your heart and your sincerity, and can further leave
you feeling completely isolated, victimized and traumatized.
Psychopathic and Sociopathic Behaviors
Extreme narcissists such as those who cause NAS often display sociopathic
and psychopathic tendencies. A prime example is the following: a narcissist
would run you over and tell you off for being in their way. They will
endlessly complain about you being in their way and make you feel bad for
being run over! A sociopath would run you over, stop to smile or smirk at
the pain and destruction they have caused, and then scold you for being in
their way; all whilst being silently smug and happy at the chaos. Finally, a
psychopath will do everything in their power to run you over, going out of
their way intentionally to make sure that the utmost chao was caused. They
will not only blame you for being in their way, but they would laugh; even
backtracking to make sure they haven’t missed a toe or fingertip.
This may seem like an extreme analogy, yet it portrays the type of energy
and hidden motivations present in narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.
Although narcissists may seem like the less extreme one out of the three,
the main point is that they still show signs and actions- behaviors of socio-
and psychopaths. Quite simply, Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is as severe as
they come.
Zero Empathy
It has already been mentioned but it still can’t be stressed enough.
Narcissists have zero empathy, meaning that they also feel no remorse for
their evil deeds. They are egocentric, never apologize, don’t know how to
apologize; are expert story- tellers, present themselves as having high
morals, are untruthful and manipulative, have superficial charm and an
imposed sense of (false/ fake) social grace or philosophy, and feign like,
love or care to get what they want. They can make themselves appear as the
hero with superior morality when in reality they are evil, heartless and cold
inside. An extreme narcissist truly has no shame or problem with ruining
someone else’s life.
Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Finally, one of the major results of being on the receiving end of
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is the development of PTSD and related
symptoms. It may be easy to want to shrug off the severity of NAS, see the
victims or sufferers as dramatic or attention- seeking, or generally
downplay the situation for what it is; however, those who suffer with real
cases of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome go through real psychological,
mental and emotional abuse.
Some of the consequences of NAS in relation to PTSD can include:-
● Nightmares, flashbacks or recurring memories.
● Physical- emotional reactions and responses.
● Trauma, both on the surface and deeply buried.
● Avoidance of other people and a detrimental desire for excessive
solitude.
● Intrusive thoughts, emotions, memories and manipulations.
● Negative and anxiety- ridden mindset.
● Negative and destructive/ harmful self- image and image about the
world.
● Isolation and extreme detachment from friends, family and peers.
● Insomnia, anxiety and stress disorders.
● Fear to be oneself. Irrational and delusional fears.
● Extremely low self- worth, self- esteem and confidence.
Of course, these are some of the more extreme cases of being a sufferer of
NAS, however they are still able to show up. Usually these symptoms and
PTSD related tendencies present themselves over a longer period of time,
once the chance to heal and begin a path to recovery has passed (or is in
later stages).
 Chapter 2: MARRIAGE AND
THE NARCISSIST

5 Things to Look For in the

Narcissist’s View of Marriage

W ouldn’t it be a wonderful world if everyone was honest and had some

written message on their person making clear of their intentions and
motivations… Unfortunately this is not the case. Narcissists do not interact
with others with a pin badge stating, “I enjoy psychotic games and
manipulating others. If you want a crazy. chaotic and profound
self- exploration journey which involves suffering but deep and life-
changing lessons; apply within!” If we knew this was their game all
along we could at least make the choice ourselves, detaching from the
emotions and desires for intimacy and accepting that this person may be
best for a fling, brief love affair or way to heal and express our sexuality!
Yet in terms of marriage and partnership, the games and deceptions of a
narcissist do not make for the best partner. In fact, there is no partnership
present at all; perhaps only in fleeting moments. Partnership implies unity,
harmony, and a mutual respect, trust and connection. All a narcissist has to
offer is mind games, suffering, confusion and oppression. It can be highly
oppressive living and being with a narcissist as they don’t like to see you
happy, thriving or succeeding in your own personal goals, dreams and
aspirations. (We explored this earlier.)
Before going into the 8 reasons why a narcissist gets married, let’s first
discover 5 things to watch out for.
Number 1: The Need to Control
Narcissists are extremely controlling. They see their partner as a target or
supply for their deep- seated manipulations and need to control. Fortunately
you can spot this tendency early on, creating better boundaries and inner
strength. It can be more difficult once you are already enticed and wrapped
around their little finger, but if you can remain strong and centered from the
start then there shouldn’t be a problem with recognizing this sign that you
are with a narcissist.
This control reflects into many areas. It may be the clothes you wear, your
beliefs, your daily habits and actions, your likes and dislikes, and your
holistic identity and sense of self. Whichever the expression, you are simply
not allowed to be you or be free to make your own life choices.
Number 2: Emotion- Phobia!
Quite simply, narcissists are terrified of emotions. This is not in reference to
manipulation or using negative and harmful emotional intents to cause pain
or chaos, but it is talking about real and sincere emotions and connection.
Unlike in normal relationships where love, care and affection are prevalent,
narcissists are incapable of true intimacy and subsequently see marriage as
a way to exert their dominance and emotional superiority. Of course, the
narcissist is not in any way, shape or form emotionally superior- however
they see themselves as better than you in some way. This is because of the
distorted view that emotions and vulnerability are weak and inferior.
Earlier on you will recognize the need to use emotions to control,
manipulate, dominate and suppress and will further realize that these
personality traits are a precourse to married life.
Number 3: A Fragmented Family History?
There will always be some aspect of childhood trauma, repressions and
family stories with your narcissistic partner. Most people see childhood or
family related wounds as a way to self- develop, heal and transcend wounds
and pains brought from childhood. Yet a narcissist is so afraid of
vulnerability and looking to the core of themselves that the patterns and
wounds brought from childhood will show their ugly face in your
relationship. Your partner will use projection as a means to hide from their
own issues, also masking their inner securities and wounds with negative
and hurtful displays, words and behaviors.
In terms of what they look for, your partner essentially uses you as their
scapegoat, perpetuating the cycles they are yet to heal.
Number 4: Projection: You As their Mirror
You are essentially their mirror. Like with projecting their family traumas
and childhood wounds, the narcissists perceives you as their mirror or
shield to their own ignorance. Many things which require patience,
understanding and compassion; a desire to help and heal one another, are
instead met with projection. Imagine throwing a ball at a wall. Regardless
of how many times the ball hits the wall, it will always bounce back. The
ball is symbolic of the narcissist’s intentions, motivation and inner turmoil
and the wall is you. You are simply their shield and structure to bounce off,
and keep their games in play. Regardless of the negative trait, situation,
story or (destructive) intention, the narcissist will always see you as
someone to stand by their side or in front of them to take their ‘stuff'.
Number 5: Insecurities Masked As Arrogance (and other less
than favorable qualities)
You will know you are with a narcissist when their deeply buried
insecurities start to come to light. They will always be masked as arrogance,
a false sense of superiority, self- centeredness, an inflated ego, and other
less desirable personality traits. Real displays of vulnerability, raw emotion,
and low feeling or moods which are natural and a part of our humanity will
never be shown. Wounds, traumas, doubts, fears, and general self-
discovery or self- development are all covered by a need to appear the best,
all together, omniscient and forcefully superior. There is no sense of room
and space for healing and in the narcissist’s eye they are already perfect.
They want you to believe they are perfect too, and anything which threatens
their sense of self- created status is met with abuse, manipulation or
projection- like tactics.
In the narcissist’s eye, you are less smart, less accomplished, less capable
and less deserving, in all areas of life.

8 Reason Why a Narcissist Gets Married

This brings us onto why a narcissist gets married. This section may be
heard to understand and comprehend, as; let’s face it, narcissism is a pretty
severe and distorted personality to embody. But the truth will set you free
and hopefully further prevent a future marriage or relationship with a
narcissist.
A Scapegoat
Unfortunately, you are their scapegoat. Like in the signs and things to watch
out for, a narcissist sees you as their mirror to project all their stuff on. You
will be blamed for all of their own wrongdoings, judged and persecuted for
the narcissist’s mistake, faults, and negative traits. This is how narcissists
fundamentally view marriage; they see their partner as a tool for shifting
blame and passing responsibility. The sad truth is that they need this. They
need to have someone in their life, hence why they choose to get married.
Once they have found someone who is enticed by their charm and
immersed in their illusions, they have hit the jackpot. The fact that anyone
who does not have Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or has capabilities
for compassion, kindness, care, intimacy, patience, and a general sense of
‘niceness’ signifies that they will make the perfect scapegoat.
To Perpetuate their Own Insecurities/ Traumas/ Emotional
Wounds
It may seem like something out of a psychological thriller or drama movie,
but one of the reasons why a narcissist gets married is to perpetuate their
own insecurities, traumas and wounds. Remember that narcissists have
some deep vulnerabilities which they are too afraid to admit. Narcissists can
live their whole lives in states of inner depression, chaos and turmoil, and
with further repressions and unresolved wounds and pains; without ever
healing or transcending from them. Their narcissism is simply a cover and a
shield to hide them from their own wounds. Like with anything in life, we
are social and family- oriented creatures. (Yes, even narcissists!) This
means that they need someone to bounce off, be with as a support system
and mirror. Of course, the narcissist will never change or even wish to heal
or transcend their narcissistic ways, but they need someone all the same.
You will be their rock and gem, just unfortunately in a way which drains
you, depletes you, and leaves you feeling psychologically and mentally
abused.
To Keep their Illusions Intact
Like with the previous point narcissists get married to keep their illusions
intact. They need you to stay fooled and enticed in their games and
manipulations. The saying there is “support or power in numbers” applies
here. In marriage, the narcissist receives your love and support which
further empowers them and keeps their narcissistic ways in a sense of
acceptance. If there is no support, then there is no acceptance. Something
cannot exist without the energy, awareness and thumbs up from people. It is
we human beings who create and shape reality as we know it. This is one of
the key reasons why a narcissist gets married, because they know that their
illusions will only survive and thrive through the support of another. Again,
you become like their rock or gem. This support may be unconscious or
based on you being fooled and stuck in their games, however it is still a
green light.
For Peers and Colleagues
What better way to keep one’s social illusions of charm and eloquence in
play then to have a level- headed, normal and sincere partner on their arm?
Having a husband or wife is the cherry on top of the cake to a narcissist,
and also the foundation which keeps their personality and self- created
identity at play. To peers and colleagues the narcissist appears normal and
even kind, wise and beautiful (in an inner beauty sense) when they have a
sane partner by their side. Their partner provides a justification, grounding
and acceptance. The narcissist also knows that any moments of their
narcissistic personality which may come to light will always be supported,
backed up and justified through their partner’s compassion and love. It is
like you (the husband or wife) perpetuates and makes their innate
narcissism OK and acceptable; they know that you will always have their
back and make their shadow look like shine. This is because this is what a
real partnership and marriage looks like, you are supposed to support your
partner and be there for them in times of need. Yet, it is not reciprocated and
leaves you clinging onto the idea and false reality that your partner is
charming and is capable of a real social grace, kindness and companionship.
When you are alone again, you will once again be the target of their games
and abuse.
For their Sense of Success: Self Identity and Appearance
Furthermore they need a partner for their success, self- identity and
appearance. Their professional and personal life are fuelled by your love
and sanity. Companionship and intimacy are a natural and fundamental part
of life and the narcissist knows this- even if they can’t display real intimacy
and companionship themselves. They hide behind you and your favorable
beautiful qualities, always making them appear in a positive light. In fact,
their self- identity and public or professional/ personal persona depends on
this. If you were to withdraw your support, who would they be? They could
be exposed in their real character, or their hidden intentions and motivations
could be brought to the surface. Marriage to a sane, sincere and non-
narcissistic partner is the perfect shield.

‘The Charm Illusion’

Most people would not choose a partner or life long companion if they
knew they would be psychologically and emotionally abusive, manipulative
and holistically speaking lacking in such empathy. So this is the precise
reason why a narcissist needs a marriage partner. Who would want to be
married to a narcissist and enter into such a formal and long- standing
agreement? The answer is no one- no one would willingly or consciously
choose this. It all therefore comes down to the charm illusion, the illusion
from the start of your connection that your partner really is charming,
decent and sincere. If their husband or wife sees them as beautiful, kind and
worthy of a loving and supportive marriage, why wouldn’t others see them
as worthy in other aspects of life? A narcissist depends on the support and
love of friends, peers and colleagues, so having yours is the first and main
step. You are like the anchor, cement and seed all in one. Without you, the
narcissist is nothing. “The charm illusion” is essentially the delusions and
harmful stories your partner can keep through your own acceptance and
compassionate, yet self- detrimental, support.

To Be in Control
Like with the things to watch out for, a narcissist needs to be in control. In
other words, they need someone to control. It may be a hard truth to
accept but you are ultimately their plaything. Without someone to control,
command or order the narcissist’s illusions begin to break down. Without
their illusions their world falls apart, so they need this false sense of
superiority and dominance. Regardless of whether it is something small or
something big, any sense of being in control is fuel to their fire. The traits
and tendencies of the narcissist personality are all enhanced and expanded
through having someone to bounce off and control. If you are not
cooperative and present in their games and (often sadistic) intentions then
how would they maintain their illusion of control, or ‘having it all
together?’ The truth is that the narcissist is not all together, in any way,
shape or form. It is their marriage partner’s compliance which allows it.

To Never have to Heal

One of the main and arguably most significant reasons as to why a
narcissist gets married is because they never have to heal when they have
someone to bounce off and project all their own ‘stuff’ onto. You are their
scapegoat, mirror, shield, rock, gem, projection wall, and foundation all in
one! Any and all unresolved traumas, represent wounds, past pains, sadistic
and narcissistic traits and characteristics, and personal issues all become
accepted and integrated once a narcissist enters marriage. Most people do
the work before entering into a partnership as they realize that they should
be the best version of themselves before committing to someone. Many and
most people don’t want to project their unresolved things in a
companionship, and for this reason alone the idea of never having to heal or
better themselves for both their partner and their own self is unspeakable.
Healing and self- development are a natural part of life.
However, to the narcissist marriage is a means of escape. They can escape
from their past, their wounds, their narcissism and their often ‘evil’ and
sadistic intentions; through the presence and cover of a life partner. They
are incapable of having a healthy, intimate and cooperative or supportive
relationship and the lack of empathy and compassion is too prevalent to
overlook. Even if you are strong beyond belief, you will still be the sufferer
in the marriage due to the narcissist’s ability to break your heart over and
over. Their own denial, repression and inability to heal becomes your
unhealedness.

Narcissistic Cruelty, Whilst Being Kind To Everyone Else!

The best way to approach this topic is to look at the Greek mythological
story of Narcissus. Narcissus was son of the river God Cephissus and
nymph Liriope. Many women fell in love with Narcissus, yet he only
showed disdain, indifference and neglect. He enjoyed being admired and
sought after but could never reciprocate others’ affections or positively
expressed affections and emotions, further causing much pain to many. His
narcissism eventually led to his demise.
This story from Greek mythology ultimately sums up why narcissists are so
cruel. They need to appear kind to others to keep their illusions in play, as
we have discussed and explored throughout, however they also need
someone to project and target. The cruelty you suffer is, unfortunately, the
result of the love and adoration you feel; all brought on and developed from
their initial charm. It is a very sad and often harsh reality to accept, yet the
more you accept it and perhaps integrate the lessons from the story of
Narcissus, the better you are able to heal and move on from the pain. Like
Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of
others; so, in other words, the love you have for them sustains them. In
reality and deep down, narcissists do not like or love themselves at all!
They may actually dislike themselves immensely. This is due to their
inflated egos, self- flattery, arrogance and self- denial, which are all known
by the subconscious and unconscious mind even if not integrated into the
persona or core personality.
In truth, narcissists have a unique self- loathing which is very hard to
admit and impossible to heal from. The cruelty and mental, emotional and
psychological abuse you suffer are all a projection of their own insecurities
and self- loathing. Although it may appear like quite the opposite through
their powerful self- confidence and self- assurity, narcissists are deeply
fearful to take a true look at themselves. Emotionally they are dead inside,
lifeless and incapable of intimacy or companionship. Mentally, they are yet
to heal from their own wounds and inner demons. Your narcissist partner is
hungry for validation, admiration and approval because they secretly cannot
provide this for them self, regardless of how strong their delusions and false
images may present themselves.
The ultimate result of this projected cruelty and inner pain is a real
unappreciation and neglect of your love, care and support; and an alienation
of you and everything you stand for. The more patience, compassion and
special attention you give, the more you are likely to be on the receiving
end of their abusive and sadistic projections. Love is met with hate,
compassion is met with uncaring, and all of your attempts for
companionship, intimacy and partnership are responded to like Narcissus
with his many admirers. Other people, however, receive kindness; or at
least a fake and ‘put on’ sense of kindness, because they are so insecure and
vulnerable inside that they need the support and validation of others. If they
were truly alone in the world with no outside support or “friendship,” they
would have to actually stop and look at their own reflection- and
subsequent inner demons. So, you become their main target and primary
victim.

“The Hatred Illusion”

The big question and the root of many psychological topics of discussion.
How can someone appear to hate you so strongly whilst being incapable of
letting you go? Being a target of narcissistic ‘hatred’ is a confusing
experience, mainly because they don’t actually hate you yet project all of
their own insecurities and vulnerabilities. The hatred may appear as real
hatred however it is not. You are simply their wall to shield their own pain.
For this reason it is very hard, if not impossible and unseen, for the
narcissist to be the one to let their partner go. If they have found someone
they can use as a mirror to project back all their own issues, unless you end
it you are almost certainly in it for the long haul.
It can be soul- shattering to give your all to a narcissist and be continuously
reminded that they will never change, despite your faith and clinging onto
the memories of how they were when you first met. Each time you feel like
you’ve finally made progress- and after expending all your energy and
more- they slap you down with speech, energy and actions which leave you
utterly confused, hurt and betrayed. It is as if they truly hate you to the core
of your soul, and on a level they do. Soul is the innermost essence of self. It
is the part of someone which transcends this physical and three dimensional
reality, the deepest and sincerest level of being possible to describe with the
human mind. On a soul level, you are the greatest teacher for the narcissist,
here to show them what compassion, companionship and unconditional
love is. The narcissist is also your greatest teacher.
This is the fundamental reason why your partner’s actions, words and ways
may seem as pure venom and hatred, because in a sense; they are. They
despise all you on a real and deep level because you are everything they
cannot be. Unlike in personalities and people who have varying elements of
light and dark, shine and shadow, a narcissist is truly incapable of change or
seeing the light. They attack all your beautiful qualities and grow
increasingly more narcissistic and hateful at your sincere displays of
empathy, patience, kindness and compassion. They long to be loving inside,
as love is the foundation of all sentient beings. Yet, they are so entwined
with their own insecurities, self- hatred and unhealed wounds that it almost
impossible to transcend their ways in their lifetime. The issues here run
deep.
Of course, why can’t they see a counsellor, receive therapy or begin a
journey of self- healing and development; you may be wondering? I think
you already know the answer to this. Narcissists aren’t normal, there is
nothing normal about them. This is not saying that we non- narcissists are
better than them or all shine, and no shadow. It is, however, referring to the
fact that narcissists are incapable of seeing their shadow and learning from
it, or seeking to overcome it and heal their own repetitive cycles and
behaviors. Where normal people would recognize the imperfection of life
and need to better oneself, a narcissist is unable to do so. They believe they
are perfect, whole and healed even when their true self knows deep down
that they are not. Their narcissistic ways have already become their persona,
a self- created character which is virtually impossible to escape from.
Narcissists are their own worst enemy.
So in terms of being in a relationship with a narcissist this signifies that you
are already doomed from the start. Unlike in true relationships and
companionships where both partners are open to learning, growing and
evolving together, your ‘narcissistic other’ uses you as a mirror, wall or
shield to their arrogance, imposed dominance, manipulations and hidden
insecurities. You ultimately become their life support.
It is also significant to look at the different types of narcissist in relation to
the apparent hatred you receive.

Types of Narcissists

Introvert or Closet
Introvert or ‘closet’ narcissists are the type of narcissists who appear
moody, down or depressed as the result of their innate narcissism. They
may not be in the spotlight or like to be center stage, yet they still embody
the narcissistic traits which make them selfish, egocentric and domineering.
These types of narcissists use their hidden personality traits to entice you
into feeling sorry for them or wanting to ‘lower your vibe.’ Their
depression, low moods and generally down and unsatisfied outlook on life
are due to their personality traits, and these are used to manipulate you and
keep you in a state of suffering.
Introvert or closet narcissists are still extremely manipulative and selfish,
however it may not be so in your face as other types. Still, they use their
masked depression (which is purely a result of their own doing and
character deficits) to control you and cause pain, always leaving you feeling
guilty or sorry for them. Their innate selfishness, arrogance and lack of
compassion or empathy, or care for anyone other than themselves, keeps
you in a detrimental cycle where they are always smiling on the inside
whereas you are in a state of constant suffering. Although they may appear
down or depressed, these narcissists in fact get their kicks of your suffering
and despair. They, unfortunately, feel genuine joy and satisfaction at your
unhappiness.
Malignant
Malignant narcissists are one of the worst types of narcissists you will ever
come across. They are soul destroyers, wandering through life finding their
next victims and new stream of lives to ruin. They are malicious, cruel,
highly manipulative and hostile, with a real spiteful and poisonous nature.
They can destroy through their words, actions or hidden motivations and
usually have some sort of hidden and ‘behind the scenes’ plot. These types
of narcissists are the types that would take you to court and attempt to take
you for everything you have, even when they have already stolen off you or
ruined your life in some way. They make up lies and rumors and spread
hateful, hurtful or destructive stories about you. Their intentions may be
many, but the goal is always to receive personal gain at complete dismissal,
and often belittlement or ridicule, to your life and self. Your nature and
beautiful qualities can be so severely distorted that even your closest friends
and family could start to question your intentions and actions.
Malignant narcissists are the most hateful and venomous types of people
you could ever come across. There is nothing ‘normal’ or sane about them
and if you ever have the misfortune to be a victim or target of one, you will
start to evaluate whether you have in fact been dealing with a real
psychopath or sociopath. Furthermore, these narcissists can actually be very
dangerous, taking their evil intentions so far as to cause real harm. They
are, very simply, cruel.
Extreme
Extreme narcissists are the narcissistic characters you will most likely be
dealing with. Unless you are dealing with a closet or malignant narcissist all
narcissists are extreme, as narcissism is an extreme type of personality.
Selfishness, a real lack of empathy, egocentricity, the need for adoration and
to be loved, and a deep seated arrogance, ignorance and self- centeredness
are all optimally embodied in the normal narcissist. They can be seen as
extreme because their behaviors and attitudes are pretty destructive and
questionable. When in a work or social situation, you can really observe
just how narcissistic they are. The need to be in the spotlight, at the expense
of others, and outshine everyone in a rather ‘wow’ (negative wow) way is
apparent. So is their response if they are ever questioned in a public or
social situation.
In personal or love/ romantic relationships, extreme narcissists portray the
traits expressed throughout previous chapters. Narcissistic personality
disorder can be viewed as an extreme personality disorder as a narcissist is
completely disconnected from everything decent, moral and humane. Real
emotions, situations and daily interactions are virtually non existent and are
often replaced with mean, spiteful or bullyish behaviors and scenarios.
Manipulation, emotional blackmail and mind games are present, and any
attempt to bring love, intimacy or kindness to your relationship is met with
further narcissistic responses. In short, extreme narcissists can be a
nightmare.
 Chapter 3: DIVORCING A NARCISSIST

“It may be difficult at first but

divorcing a narcissist is worth it.”

I sn’t this a statement you tell yourself every day!? It plays in your mind
like a mantra, the self- affirmation reminding you that going in the right
direction will be worth it in the end. It should be so easy- why stay with
someone who has no empathy, care or kindness towards you and who wants
to see you suffer? Yet it is not a easy as it seems, hence why you need to
repeat statements such as this.
This is one thing that many people don’t tell you when taking the steps to
divorce a narcissist. You need mantras or affirmation- like statements to
keep you on course, remind you that this really is in your best interests, and
that it will be worth it in the end. The psychological, mental and emotional
abuse and trauma you have suffered are real, and regardless of how many
times you have been gaslighted, or made to appear crazy, in the wrong or
losing the plot, you know the truth in the core of your cells. Being with a
narcissist is completely detrimental to your health.
Luckily there are many steps which can be taken. A covert narcissist is
exactly this- covert; still in the shadows of their own manipulations,
delusions and shady- hurtful character. They are not (yet) in the open or
publicly acknowledged, and is this because you have not yet made the
decision to allow them to be seen in their true light? Taking a stand and
choosing, with your own free will, inner strength and shear conviction,
that you will no longer allow yourself to be abused, victimized or
manipulated allows your partner to be seen, and for you to subsequently
finally take the steps necessary to be free from their abuse.
Of course, all of this is something you know- so see these words as a
reflection of your own psyche and conscious mind telling you exactly how
it is. The fact that you are reading this and have chosen, consciously, to
align with your true self and leave your narcissistic partner for good implies
that you are already well on course. This is confirmation, and you are
heading in the right direction! You are strong beyond measure.
 Divorcing a Narcissist:
Stop Reacting!

Reaction. Reaction is not the same as response. When you respond to

someone or something, you provide a space, wisdom and awareness to
connect on a mature and responsible level. Responding allows for
authenticity, calmness or thought and clarity in communication. Yet,
reacting is something completely different.
The key to your narcissistic partner’s success is in your reaction. They need
people to become emotionally entwined and engaged with their stories. If
there is no reaction then there is no exchange- no one is appeasing or
empowering them. Power is a great word to be aware of here. Reaction
provides a narcissist’s empowerment, or more accurately faulty sense of
empowerment. Causing pain, hurt and manipulation to others is not
empowerment. Regardless, reacting provides the sustenance that a narcissist
needs, so the best way to heal and begin your own journey of empowerment
is to stop reacting and start responding.

Things to Be Mindful of: How you may be Reacting!

1. Your partner attempts to provoke a reaction and you allow it.
Instead of taking a moment to slow down, be calm inside and
recognize the intentions of causing destruction, chaos and harm;
you play to their manipulations. Thus, a vicious and highly
repetitive cycle can begin and continue for hours or even days on
end. The key is to detach and not get caught up in their games. It
can be easier said than done, however the tips and techniques for
effective response below can really help with this.
2. ‘Snide remarks.’ Expanding from example 1, at this stage your
partner should know you very well and therefore know your
triggers. Snide remarks or specific comments are a very effective
way to get a reaction from you and subsequently enable them to
continue in their ways.
3. ‘Awareness goes where energy flows!’ If you don’t give your
attention, time or energy to something, how can it perpetuate? The
answer is that it can’t. The intentions and motivations of your
partner require energy and attention, otherwise they are formless.
4. Watch out for the signs. Assuming you have been with your partner
for awhile you will know the signs to when they are going to begin
their games. If they are bored or displaying signs of frustration,
stimulation or boredom this is a sure warning that you will soon
become their target for their stimulation. A narcissist needs that
‘spark’ to feed their egocentricity, self- centeredness and feelings of
self- worth. Without it, their illusions start to crumble down and
they have no choice but to look within, seek help and ways to
change; which are of course very rare for a narcissist.
5. If you feel yourself becoming stressed, anxious, nervous or heated
inside, these are sure signs that you are on the verge of a reaction.
Unlike in partnerships where narcissism is not present or a key
theme, and where most people are allowed a few moments of
blowing off steam or showing weakness; in this relationship you are
not provided the patience, compassion or support necessary. This
means that even when or if your partner does happen to be in a
serene, kind or non- narcissistic space you may unfortunately spark
them with your own reactive behaviors. It is extremely rare for a
true narcissist to see you becoming upset or worked up on your own
accord and not use it as a chance for drama, or further manipulation.
A Deeper Look into Divorce and Reaction
Divorce is a serious thing. The process inevitably means that you have
decided to part ways, restart your life and take back your individual
resources, belongings and physical necessities. This in itself is a major red
flag in a codependent- narcissist relationship! Your partner’s entire identity
is merged in the reality that he or she can feed off you, use you as their
hidden and subtle yet powerful support system, and bounce off your
kindness, empathy and positive attributes. So, once you starting responding
this destroys their world. They can no longer keep up the facade once you
make the decision that their actions are not acceptable. This can only
happen when you begin to respond.

How to Start Responding

True response begins when you start to slow down and become an observer
of both your own thoughts and feelings and your partner’s. This is best
achieved through meditation and mindfulness. The significance of these
two self- help methods cannot be overlooked. They are both extremely
powerful in helping you to live your best life, be free from narcissistic
abuse or targetting, and to start responding.
Meditation
Why is engaging in meditation one of the best ways to learn how to respond
and thus change the way you perceive and feel about the situation?
Because, meditation allows you to detach from overactive thoughts and
feelings, further becoming the observer. When you observe you are not
caught up in the emotions or drama associated with your partner’s
intentions. You can calm your mind, control your feelings and responses,
and feel more peaceful within. Clarity of mind and thought can also result
and you generally become more insightful, patient, wise and loving with
meditation.
In the final chapter there is some guidance on how to do this if you are new
to meditation.
Mindfulness
Linked to meditation is the power of mindfulness. Mindfulness is exactly
what the word implies, it allows you to become more mindful or
conscious. Being conscious simply means embodying a higher awareness
and level of integrity. You won’t want to react when you start to integrate
the lessons and vibration of mindfulness as you will not want to lower
yourself to such levels. There is an innate dosage of eloquence, self-
respect, grace and personal integrity associated and developed with
mindfulness, and your viewpoints and perspectives will change for the
better. Any action or behavior of your partner can be met with greater
conscious reaction and response. Further, you will start to feel good about
the situation, regardless of how testing it is, and will see the positive.
In essence, mindfulness can help you see the light and recognize that your
mind is a powerful tool. You are not responsible for your partner’s thoughts,
behaviors or in/actions, but you do have control over your own.
How to start responding is further continued in the next section.

How to Manage Conflict

Managing conflict is the same if not similar to learning how to respond.
When dealing with someone with deeply buried narcissism, you need to
know how to respond appropriately and in a way that doesn’t cause further
harm to yourself. Once again, you are not responsible for the narcissist’s
energy. You may have spent years being the most patient, loyal, loving and
understanding or empathetic partner, yet these qualities are all lost on them.
Managing conflict during or after the divorce proceedings should not be
viewed as any different.
Please do not make the mistake of thinking that now you are finally free, or
soon to be free, that your partner will suddenly ‘see sense’ or have a
heartfelt awakening. They will not. A narcissist will always view you as
their scapegoat and wall or mirror to project their stuff onto, so now you are
taking the correct steps and working towards your own wellbeing and
happiness; they do not want to let go or give you up so easy.
The following steps may seem simple or effortlessly implemented, yet they
are not! Narcissists will do everything in their power to maintain their
illusion of power, and try to keep you entrapped in their games until it really
is all over. So, in order to combat this and manage conflict successfully, do
stay committed and completely aligned to the following. They are all
necessary for your happiness, peace of mind and success.

1. Patience
The key to your success when going through a divorce or separation is to
focus on your own self and personal qualities. The narcissist has spent
months, years or even decades (hopefully not!) unwilling to change, so they
are not going to start now. This signifies that the only way to get through
this and see your own intentions and goals materialized is to stay centered
and focused on yourself. Having patience is the first step.
2. Staying Centered: Personal
Boundaries!
Maintaining and potentially developing your boundaries is the second major
element to this. Boundaries are essential as they keep you self- aligned,
centered and connected to your truth. Without boundaries you may fall
prey to your partner’s malicious intentions or attempts of sabotage. Nothing
and no one can take away your power, and this is something to keep in
mind when separating from a narcissist. Actually, don’t just keep it in mind;
know it within. You hold great personal power and with strong boundaries
your mental projections can act as a shield to all of your partner’s bs.
3. Kindness, Tolerance & Self- Respect
Above anything else you need to have self- respect. This links with
kindness and tolerance, which are both necessary to manage and deal with
conflict harmoniously. The self- respect part is the trinity due to the fact that
you won’t receive much kindness or respect from your partner,
unfortunately. However, you should seek to remain kind and tolerant during
the process. There is great truth in the validity of the power or law of
attraction. We attract, magnetize and harmonize to us what we give out, so
any energy or intentions we project we will receive. If you are sending out
harmful, hurtful or separation based vibrations- you shall receive more from
your partner. In other words, you cannot fight chaos and narcissism with
more destruction or ill wishes! Showing kindness and respect, even if in
neutral and indifferent civil ways, will allow you to remain sane, clear
headed and calm; also enabling you to stay as clear as possible from your
partner’s detrimental motivations.
4. Being Your Own Best Friend, Lover and Soulmate
To succeed, you need to be your own best friend, lover and soulmate. You
need to practice self- love and show up for yourself (because your
narcissistic partner isn’t going to). Managing conflict is not just about what
you can do for the other person or situation as a whole, but it is about what
you can do for yourself. Being your best self for you allows you to be your
best self for others. Even if your partner is incapable of rationality or
niceness, this commitment to being the best version of you still has a
positive effect. Subtle energy and intentions are real and showing up for
yourself in a way which states that you are self- loving, self- respecting and
not going to tolerate anything less than harmonious and ethical cooperation,
means that the situation will flow better than if you didn’t commit to these
things. Your vibe projects outwards also influencing physical reality and the
experiences you attract. How divorce or separation proceedings go can all
be changed and shaped by your mindset.
5. Gaining Support
The importance of peer, family and friendship support cannot be
disregarded when divorcing a narcissist. Your ability to manage conflict is
largely tied in with the amount of support you receive. It can be both a
coping mechanism and essential aspect to your recovery and conflict
resolution. Narcissists thrive off the social support and cooperation of
others

How to Deal with a Narcissist in Court

This only applies if you are dealing with an extreme or malignant narcissist
who truly wants to gaslight you and destroy your world. As you may have
learned by now, there are people like this in existence. Some narcissists
really do have zero empathy and enjoy inflicting severe chaos and intended
suffering on others. If you find yourself needing to take your ex to court,
therefore, it is wise to become knowledgeable on how to do so.
First let’s briefly explore the reasons why you would need to beat or expose
a narcissist in the court system.
● Financial manipulation, theft or monetary losses as the result of
their narcissism.
● Family and domestic disputes with children involved.
● Question of resources, assets, shared business or joint ventures.
● In extreme cases, physical abuse as a devolution of their mental,
emotional and psychological abuse inflicted.
 ● Any consequence of their ‘evil’ and cruel nature. Remember,
malignant narcissists can be truly heartless.

How to deal with a narcissist in court

❏ What you should know: They’ve found your wound. They have
infected your wound with negativity! Your wounds are what feeds
them, so find healing and put boundaries up. Focus on yourself and
not them. This enables you to stay connected to your story and not
dragged into theirs.
❏ Deflect! Deflect their ‘evil’ (unbelievably sadistic and harmful)
intentions. Don’t allow them to get into your personal boundaries.
Be wise and take preventative measures for your protection.
Engaging in some meditative or mindful activity leading up to court
can really help with this.
❏ Don’t expect them to play fair. Assume the worst case scenarios-
put yourself in their shoes and see all perspectives. How would the
worst person in the world word things and try and play it? What
angles do they have on you? Take a step back and see the big
picture, including all the negative, shadow and dark parts. You may
be kind, decent and a lovely human being but the narcissist will
pick the tiniest negative and amplify it for their own gain (and your
destruction). Be in the know and wise.
❏ Recognize their arrogance and misplaced confidence. Remember,
the narcissist is feeding and playing off some distorted truths and
out of place perspectives. Their reality is made from these
distortions and elements which can potentially destroy you and your
world. Recognizing that a lot of what they say, perceive and attempt
stems from some delusion, illusion or false belief can help you
overcome the effects effectively and efficiently.

❏ Do not try to expose them as a narcissist! This is vital and

crucial to your success. Trying to expose them or label them just
looks like ‘finger- pointing.’ Instead, be humble and actively
practice humility, staying centered in your own reality and truth.
Trying to expose them in a negative light is essentially attracting
negativity to yourself (where awareness goes, energy flows.)
❏ People will be susceptible to kindness and seeing the positive.
Respect is given to those who respect others and choose to act with
kindness, not engaging in negative talk. Being sophisticated,
courteous and completely truthful in your words and dealings
ultimately makes you appear as the best version of yourself, and
naturally exposes the narcissist.
❏ Adopt the principle: “respond, don’t react.” Allow him or her to lie
and remain calm yourself. Maintaining calm even when the
narcissist is blatantly lying or speaking badly about you, trying to
represent you in a false light, is the best and most powerful way to
get your message across. The words and actions of a narcissist are
never on the same page- allow it play out. Allow them to speak
untrue. Focus on the facts and actions, as real actions speak louder
than any mistruths or manipulations. In other words, do not resist or
react to your partner’s story and intended mistruths, as the facts will
come to light.
❏ Put the abuse, neglect and manipulations in the spotlight, not the
fact that he or she is a narcissist. Again, facts are very important and
as much as an emotionally loving and compassionate- insightful
society and court system would be ideal, the emotional layers and
undertone are overlooked. Do not explain narcissism in any way!
The style of manipulating truth from the narcissist can be so
effective that it is more significant than truth itself.
❏ There is great power in silence. Silence provides space for truth
and hidden things to come to light. Regardless of what is being said
against you, the most effective thing you could do for yourself is to
simply be silent. All of your partner’s darkness, shadow, lies and
buried anger will come powerfully to the forefront. Quite simply,
the narcissist cannot stay silent in the midst of truth. They get
worked up into anger and self- rage as a result of their lies and
manipulations being exposed. The calmer you are the more they
will fall apart. This cannot be stressed enough.
 Mourning, Grieving and Letting Go
It may sound cliche or a given, but allowing yourself to mourn and grieve
properly is essential for your healing. It can be appealing to take the easy
route, telling yourself that you don’t need to heal and that you are well and
fine; however being with a narcissist is a very testing and harmful
experience. It is natural to want to repress, deny or take the quick route, but
this never works in the long run. Wounds are real and denying them can be
detrimental to your growth. Also, remember the amount of mental,
emotional and psychological pain your ex has caused! Just each one of
these can have profound effects on your health, psyche and overall well-
being.
So, to keep this section short and sweet, just a healthy reminder to allow
yourself to mourn and grieve in order to truly let go. The tips and
techniques, guidance and wisdom will help you to do this.
 Chapter 4: BREAKING FREE

Overcoming Loneliness
(After Narcissistic Abuse)

A lthough being with a narcissist is a truly horrific and often traumatic

experience, breaking free can lead to initial loneliness. You are so used
to being with that person, being involved in their stories, games, and sense
of companionship even if it is a twisted and mentally- emotionally abusive
companionship; that finally leaving and being free can leave you feeling
empty. This is natural- we are all chalices waiting to be filled. We need
connections, stories, relationships and various realities to keep us feeling
alive and fulfilled. So when you break free from the narcissist you are
essentially an empty vessel. What new stories are you going to create?
This is of course in itself a beautiful process and fundamentally part of your
journey. To be alone is to be all one, content, free and soulfully happy in
your on independence. Once we remove attachments and stories which are
no longer good for us, we provide ourselves the space and time for new
stories; new realities and frequencies of being. I once heard the saying that
life is like music. Life can be equated with music. We do live in a universe
after all! So, loneliness can be overcome by filling yourself with new
stories- ones in harmony with your best interests and best possible
expression of you.
Connected to this is a self- recovery, healing and boundary plan. Boundaries
are very important, but so is your personal re- discovery of self and self-
healing. Below are 5 key and highly effective ways to overcome loneliness.
1. Passion Projects
Immerse yourself in a passion project. New hobbies, favorite pastimes or
creating a vision board to align with your dreams and aspirations can all be
marvellous gateways back to your true self. Following your greatest joy
allows you to overcome loneliness and heal from the sufferings caused by
your narcissistic partner. Passion and fire are the spark of life, they re-
energize and revitalize your inner core further enabling you to stop feeling
isolated or cut off from the world. This is an unfortunate consequence of
being the victim of narcissistic abuse or mind manipulations- you may feel
disconnected to others on a profound level. Refinding yourself through a
passion project is essential for your well- being.
2. Re- Finding Yourself
(“Know thyself!”)
Have you ever heard of the saying know thyself? This is knowing yourself
on every level; your intentions, goals, dreams, hidden motivations and your
personality in its entirety. We usually become lost and allow in the illusions
and judgements of others when we do not know ourselves. ‘The self’ is the
holistic part of being, the persona, characteristics and beliefs which make us
unique. It is our thoughts, feelings, subtle impressions, emotions, past
experience and deeper inner workings, also having a soulful aspect or
significance. Recovering from a narcissist and refinding yourself tie in
closely to knowing yourself, or knowing thyself. Not only can taking steps
to rediscover and know thyself help you overcome loneliness, it will also
help increase your self- esteem, self- worth and personal confidence.
3. Meditation
As briefly delved into earlier meditation is one of the most profound ways
to heal from a narcissist. Feeling lonely is due to the feelings of separation
or disconnectedness, and these all stem from your mind and emotions.
Meditating reconnects you to your true self, inner harmony, and a sense of
peace and well- being. It also expands your mind and allows you to be an
observer of any chaotic, destructive or afflictive thoughts, beliefs or
emotions. During the many months or years of narcissistic abuse you will
have been through some terrible manipulative treatment. You may have
been gaslighted, made to feel small, weak or inferior, or generally insulted
on repeat. Your feelings, opinions, and perspectives may have been
overlooked and where your beautiful qualities and strengths should have
been supported, encouraged and cherished; you instead received neglect
and abuse. All in all, your partner knocked your confidence and self-
esteem in many unseen ways.
These all have profound negative effects on your inner belief systems,
psyche and unconscious workings. Thoughts and emotions, which shape
and define you as a person, are strongly influenced by experience and
memories; so any abuse you may have suffered can become deeply
ingrained. Meditation fills you with a “conscious emptiness,” an empty
space for new levels of thought, feeling and awareness. You may be able to
access your higher self and higher mind, feel better and more positive about
your life, and see all negative happenings as an opportunity for growth and
new wisdom. In short, feeling lonely is replaced with feeling empowered.
4. Self- Therapy
The importance and power of self- therapy really cannot be undermined or
overlooked. Self- therapy- any type of therapy that can be performed at
home or in our own time- is great for mind, body, emotions and spirit. It is
not just your thoughts and emotions which suffer during narcissistic abuse
but also your soul, the core and hidden part of yourself. This is the part that
allows us to feel love, empathy, a deeper connection to others and life’s
beauty; connect with music and access transcendental states, and develop
advanced cognitive, intuitive and emotional frequency functioning.
Self- therapy incorporates a wide range of choices and channels so
fortunately there is bound to be at least one route which works for you.
Meditation, sound therapy, nature therapy, music, art, creative expression,
spiritual literature, yoga, tai chi, massage, energy work and mindfulness are
all forms of self- therapy. In fact, many people can change their whole
mindset through the self- love and care which comes with engaging in
therapy. Choosing to give yourself a healing massage, listening to soothing
and peaceful music, and going for a mindful walk in nature or reading some
soulful poetry can all be effective self -therapies in their own rights.
5. New Social Groups and Organizations
Balanced with all the other key ways to overcome loneliness and heal for
the long term is the engagement of new social groups and organizations.
This can include peer support, groups for victims of narcissistic abuse, or
simply any organization or venture which allows you to feel good. Being
happy and connecting with others is the best way to let go and move
forward with your life, despite the initial loneliness you may feel. You can
feel lonely or isolated in a group too as the truth is- loneliness is just a
mindset. Some people feel lonely even when surrounded by family and
peers, just as many feel most at peace and blissful when alone. True
happiness and contentment comes from your ability to connect and feel at
ease with the world. Taking the first steps by putting yourself out there will
re-spark your passion for life and connection, and your connection with
yourself.
 Boundaries: Your New Power Word
Boundaries are your new power word! Breaking free and liberating yourself
cannot occur until you put healthy boundaries in place. Not only do they
need to be healthy but they need to be strong, so there is no chance of
magnetizing or attracting another narcissistic relationship into your orbit.
Let’s look at all the ways to create, develop and maintain a boundary plan.

1. Positive Self- Talk and Power Words

Positive self- talk may not initially appear as a form of boundary creating,
however it is. Self- talk is the conversations we have with ourselves. When
we engage in positive self- talk we open new neural pathways and actively
influence the neurons in our brains. These neurons are responsible for the
way we think, feel and respond to people, situations and experiences. They
are also responsible for our communication, both internal with ourselves
and external through our interactions with others. Just through positive and
mindful self- talk, a natural boundary is created due to the ripple effect
thoughts have on inner and external reality. In short, an invisible energy
field is created through the power of the mind, thoughts and subtle
intentions exhibited. This invisible energy field is your boundaries.
Connected to this is the effect of power words, specific words used with
self- talk to enhance and amplify the power of your boundaries. Words can
in fact be used- spoken or thought like a mantra or affirmation for
optimum effect. Neuroscientists have discovered the incredible influence
thoughts have on our physical being, emotions and over- all well- being or
vibratory state (inner frequency), and this is backed up by a number of other
schools of thought. Neuro- linguistic programming, cognitive behavioral
therapy, and many alternative therapies and healing modalities all recognize
and support the truth that our thoughts are powerful shapers and creators of
our world. It is not only inner currents which are affected but worldly
reality as we know it. So, harnessing the power of your mind in your
boundary goals will allow your personal boundaries to expand and grow
stronger, assisting you for the better.
2. Self- Affirmations
Connected to this are self- affirmations, or affirmations. Self- affirmations
are essentially affirmations which can be spoken or thought during
meditation or any contemplative activity for great effect. They are best
performed as a sort of ritual or daily integrated habit. Taking time to
dedicate some minutes to affirmations daily will enable your aura, your
electromagnetic energy field to be strengthened and expanded and your
mind strengthened. As the body is a complex and interconnected system,
this has a profound effect on your emotions and thus increases your sense of
boundaries on many levels. Mental boundaries, emotional boundaries,
physical boundaries and spiritual boundaries are real, and once you begin to
truly develop your own boundaries you will realize how ‘one and the same’
these all are. Once you strengthen one of your boundary muscles you can
protect yourself from harmful or destructive energy. This includes the
intentions and attempted projections of your narcissistic ex!
To engage in self- affirmations in an effective way, make time for a daily
morning and/ or evening routine. This routine creates a structure in your life
and an almost ‘ceremonial’ aspect. This is precisely what affirmations are, a
sort of ceremony like meditation. Setting your intentions and committing to
self- affirmations as a daily routine inevitably sharpens and strengthens
your mind, further opening you up to new ways of perceiving. Included in
this is protecting yourself and the connection this morning or evening
routine has to self- healing and your aura.
3. Self- Healing/ Aura Strengthening
Kirlian photography has shown how there is an electromagnetic energy
field surrounding each one us known as an aura to some. Spiritual beings,
healers and energy workers have been aware of this energy field or aura for
quite some time, however it is only in recent years where the science to
support it has made itself known. All living entities have an electromagnetic
energy field, from plants to animals and homo sapiens. This energy field is
responsible for all thoughts, feelings, subtle impressions, beliefs,
interactions, emotions, past memories and experiences, and one’s general
energy and vibration. We give off vibrations in every moment, and this is
where the modern age term “vibes” has originated from. In terms of kirlian
photography, one’s aura can be seen to show just how real subtle energy and
influences are. Science recognizes this ‘invisible circle’ responsible for our
sense of boundaries as an electromagnetic energy field, whereas spiritual
people and communities call it an aura. The term used is a technicality and
regardless of your personal beliefs, what matters is the powerful and
positive effects strengthening your aura has on your ability to protect
yourself from the harm of narcissists. (Both the one currently leaving your
life and all future ones.)
How do you strengthen your aura, you may be wondering? Self- healing is
the key and fortunately there are many ways to do this. Meditation,
engaging in therapy- either self- therapy or through seeking the help of
others, and any sort of spiritual or healing activities and practices can all
help you develop strong boundaries through aura- strengthening. There is so
much guidance available nowadays through both Youtube and the internet
and in presence, through teachers, workshops and practitioners experienced
and qualified in their fields. Doing your own research at which route, if any,
may be best for you may just be the secret missing ingredient to your
perfected boundary plan. Many people are awakening to the spirit which
flows through all living things and to our own spiritual power, and
recognizing that the scientific electromagnetic energy field is in fact a
powerful and very real aura! A boundary plan would not be complete
without this aspect.
4. Physical Movement and Exercise: Strength
Strength is a key factor in your ability to be centered and aligned within.
This alignment is to your own truth, self- respect and personal
empowerment, which all come with strong and healthy boundaries. Physical
movement and exercise strengthen you physically and with a strong body
comes a strong character. The mind, body and spirit are designed to work in
harmony, so improving your physical fitness and stamina has a positive
effect on your character, willpower and mental- emotional boundaries.
When you feel strong and centered through physical exercise you also feel
more assertive, positive and deserving- deserving all life has to offer. This
means you will not accept the ill- treatment or manipulations of a
narcissistic ex you have fought so hard to separate from. Physical vitality,
fitness and health inevitably makes you stronger, and this means you can
put up better boundaries.
5. Emotional Muscles
Strengthening and developing your emotional muscles must be part of your
boundary plan. Your emotional resilience, intelligence and connection are
your keys to success. Empathy, intuition and an advanced to mature
emotional connection to both yourself and others (the world around) allows
you to stay centered within and aligned to your truth, own reality and
choice to stay clear from narcissistic abuse, and the games of your ex.
Emotions can be seen as a muscle, even if figuratively as they control and
shape all of physical reality as we know it. We are essentially emotional
creatures and those who are in tune with their inner empath (advanced
empathy) or higher frequency functioning emotions can, literally, influence
others and reality in a powerful and positive way.
Let’s briefly look at the qualities associated with and necessary for a
boundary plan with regard to developing and strengthening your emotional
muscles.
Emotional Resilience
Emotional resilience allows you to adapt and respond to stressful or chaotic
situations with ease and poise or grace. Your emotional health is strong and
you know yourself well enough to not react. Life’s difficulties and
challenges can be overcome easily if not effortlessly based on the way you
can recover, adapt and change with the tides.
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of and in control of your
emotions. You can easily express yourself and possess a certain wisdom and
empathy to you which reflects in your interactions and communications.
Interpersonal relationships can be handled judiciously, fairly and maturely
and you often shine light on others and situations. Emotional intelligence is
a key trait to possess when dealing with a narcissist, specifically during the
break- up and letting go period.
Empathy
Empathy allows you to possess all of the other key characteristics as to be
empathetic is to literally feel what it is like to be another, or be in another’s
shoes. This allows you to deal with difficulties or strenuous interactions
(with your narcissistic ex) in a way that is compassionate, self- respecting
and wise. Possessing empathy and seeking ways to develop it allows you to
increase your own boundaries, making them stronger through your ability to
connect with a higher frequency (compassion, patience, empathetic- related
qualities, etc).
Intuition
Intuition is your guiding light and your inner compass. It is also known as
your gut or gut feeling, and can tell you which path to take or not to take in
moments of need. It is also responsible for your instincts, instinctual
awareness, your emotional wisdom, and your ability to know and follow
your truth. Intuition connects you to a higher wisdom and awareness and to
your seat of personal power- those strongly connected to their intuition
know what to say and when, how to act and respond in each moment, and
generally everything that will keep them on course. What better way to
enhance and expand your boundaries than to develop, and connect to, your
intuition?
Emotional Independence
Emotional independence is a sure way to develop and maintain boundaries.
Acquiring this sets you apart from the entanglement you once suffered at
the hands of your narcissist other (partner). When you are emotionally
independent you have greater if not a certain chance of being free from
mind games, manipulations, narcissistic entrapments and the general dark
motivations and intentions of your ex.
6. Connecting to Your Spiritual Source
Finally, connecting to your spiritual source should be part of any boundary
plan. The extent of this will differ for everyone individually, as everyone
will have their own limits and be on their own journey. Spiritual source can
mean many things to many different people; to some it can be as intense as
spending days to weeks on a mountain meditating to a state of deep spiritual
enlightenment. To others it may be recognizing spirit which runs through all
of life and every living thing. The fundamental point is that connecting to
spirituality or your own ‘inner spirit’, in any way, can have a profound
effect on your personal strength. Boundaries come from strength and
opening yourself up spiritually can make you mentally, emotionally or
physically stronger too.
Some examples of connecting to your spiritual source for boundary
improvement may include reading spiritual literature or poetry, meditating,
engaging in transcendental meditation, going on a spiritual retreat,
partaking in an ashram, learning about esoteric or ancient wisdom- or
astrology, and connecting to your own inner nature and spirit through
contemplative and introspective activities.
 Dating After Leaving
the Narcissist
So how can you re- enter the dating scene after you have let go and healed
from a narcissistic relationship? The best way to do this is to first identify
the characteristics of narcissism and look to their opposite. Everything you
don’t want, seek to embody and integrate their polar opposite.
For example, narcissists are focused on physical beauty and appearance.
Why not work on your inner beauty? We attract what we align with.
Whatever you choose to focus on you inevitably draw into your orbit. It all
starts with making the conscious decision and creating your world within.
This way, external reality will shift and change to match it. The same is true
for the tendency for narcissists to care primarily on materialistic success
and physical identity, even when its not representative of their true
personality or who they are inside. So in this respect, begin to re- align with
true success and personal achievements in harmony with heartfelt or life-
long- soulful dreams and aspirations.
Let’s look at these in greater detail.
Attracting a New Partner Based on What You Don’t Want:
The Opposite(s) of Narcissism
Inner Beauty
Narcissists are self- centered, egocentric and self- admiring. They’re the
type of people who stand in a mirror and only see their physical beauty,
overlooking all of their horrible traits. You have just come out of a
relationship where your beautiful qualities were dismissed and even
insulted entirely. Like Narcissus from the Greek mythological story, your ex
may have been mistreating you psychologically and emotionally for a very
long time. This plays on your conscious mind and your subconscious. So
redefining your standards and what you choose to see as important in life
can help you better attract a partner in harmony with your own values,
beliefs and wishes. Inner beauty is a state of mind, heart, emotional
maturity, and soul; it is who we are on the inside which ultimately reflects
outwards into all of our interactions, relationships and bonds. See the inner
beauty in both yourself and others and you will attract a mate on the same
wavelength.
Real Success
Real success is birthed from service. How is someone bettering another’s
life? This is the question you should be asking and keeping in mind when
dating again. Being mindful of the red flags, and perhaps re- learning them,
helps with your ability to observe and steer clear of arrogance,
egocentricity, self- righteousness and many of the other negative traits of a
narcissistic personality. Like with soulful or heartfelt ambitions, dreams and
aspirations described below, true success is born from pure and helpful
intentions and a feeling of connection to others and the world at large. (As
opposed who narcissists who are deeply disconnected to everything real,
pure and selfless.)
Soulful or Heartfelt Ambitions, Dreams & Aspirations
Aligning with your own ambitions, dreams and aspirations in an authentic
and real way will help you attract a partner on your wave. Narcissists are
insincere, materialistic and egocentric with a false sense of superiority and
success. They trick and manipulate people into thinking they are the bees
knees, and further thrive off others adoration or love for them. Real
ambition, dreams and aspirations help others in some way and almost
always have some rooting in soulful, mindful or heartfelt service and
intents. Perhaps you have lost touch with your own dreams and long term
goals, or need to readjust and adapt to a more encompassing or focused
vision? Re- committing to your personal goals and dreams can be a great
catalyst into the dating world and finally finding your soul companion or
the partner of your dreams.
Sincerity
Linked to the last point is sincerity. You want a partner who is sincere and
authentic as these are two qualities your previous narcissistic partner was
not. Manipulations, deception, mind games and facades of all sorts should
not be welcome, so working towards sincerity in both yourself and a
potential mate should be on the agenda. Sometimes we attract what we are,
amplifying our own traits through others. Other times we attract our
opposites into our lives to show us what we don’t want. Either way,
developing your own sincerity and being clear in your personal boundaries,
wants and needs will allow you to date the right people, steering clear from
narcissistic characters.
Kindness
Kindness is another personality and character trait you should look for. You
may have initially been attracted to your previous partner’s charm, bad boy
or girl persona, or cold and “sexy” traits (as part of the narcissist seduction
charm), however now you know what this can lead to you could better
benefit from seeking kindness. Taking, selfishness and a lack of empathy
and compassion define a narcissist, so turn towards their opposites. You will
be glad you did! Kind is the new sexy.

Giving and Generosity

Like with sincerity and kindness, giving and generosity are qualities which
should be at the top of your list. You can find these in those who work in
the healing, care or animal or charity welfare professions. You may choose
to hang out in related organizations or join a hobby or pursuit which allows
you to connect with those in these fields. In addition to projects and
professions which help others, giving and generous partners can be found in
places which focus on spiritual or personal development. Why don’t you
join a yoga or meditation class? You could also volunteer at a local charity
or organization seeking to make the lives of others, or the planet as a whole,
better. There are so many expressions of a genuinely giving and generous
nature. All you have to do is put yourself out there and align with them.
A Sense of Selflessness
If you don’t want a future partner who is selfish aim for selflessness. This
does not have to be extreme selflessness, but a healthy and sincere
selflessness. Being selfish is focusing solely and predominantly on the self,
on your self; which brings egocentricity and a lack of care, empathy and
awareness for others. Selflessness is virtually the opposite, a concern and
sensitivity for the needs and wishes of others above your own (something
narcissists lack). Cultivating your own selfless nature and taking steps to
attract a more selfless partner is one profound and powerful way to make
sure you draw the right person to you. Again, seek places, organizations and
institutions which help others connect to their own selfless nature. Perhaps
your life partner is your own power couple?
Self- Awareness
Self- awareness is the most effective thing to develop and integrate to
overcome the ignorance and arrogance of narcissism. With awareness
comes greater insight, perception and intuitive wisdom; we learn how
things should be and the best ways to interact and communicate based on
past experience and how things shouldn’t be. You don’t want a partner who
lacks all empathy, sensitivity and awareness for others, so readjust to a
reality and subsequent partnership rooted in higher awareness. Higher
awareness implies compassion, intimacy, morality and philosophy;
conversation and connection firmly based in a kind, perceptive and
dignified reality. Aim for self- awareness and attune your conscious mind
accordingly. This will help you better attract a partner more in alignment
with your own values.
Emotional Availability
Emotional availability and empathy are things you should now seek in a
partner. You have already learned what you don’t want and what doesn’t
work, and you can’t get any further from emotional availability and
empathy than a narcissist! Now is the time to redefine and commit
completely to what you need in an intimate companionship. Just because
you had bad luck the first time does not mean all dating partner’s will be so
narcissistic. You are wiser, more intuitive and aware, and stronger than ever
before. Emotional connection is yours for the taking, giving and receiving.
First make yourself emotionally available and then magnetize this into your
orbit. Do not let in the fears or self- created doubts of what has been playing
in your mind. You have already reached the light and are no longer in that
tunnel!
Empathy and Compassion
Remember that the law of attraction is real. So whatever characteristics and
personal attributes you seek to integrate, align with and embody- greater the
chance you will find these in a partner. The universe is always conspiring in
your favor, not against it. Now you have healed and freed yourself from a
narcissist, you are better able to reconnect with those on your level.
Developing your own empathy and compassion will greatly aid in this.
 No Contact and Healing
At this stage the answer to this may be obvious. Narcissists as you are
aware thrive off the acceptance and compliance of those who can be enticed
into their mind games and manipulations. Any form of contact is a form of
compliance in the narcissist’s eye, as you literally feed them. They need
others to keep their illusions and self- imposed identity in tact. Without you,
the narcissist cannot keep fooling others (unless they start again and move,
or find a completely new group of people to manipulate). In this sense,
remaining in contact in the hope that they will have changed, you can still
be friends, or simply that they now respect you for choosing self- love and
leaving something which was not healthy for you, are all an illusion. Your
partner does not respect you and is still a narcissist.
Separation in every physical sense including no contact or communication,
unless it is a necessity regarding important physical matters (children,
finances and shared assets), is essential for your healing and release.
Any form of communication which keeps you in a bond is literally this- a
bond; a karmic tie where you will always inevitably the victim, abused and
sufferer. The only way you can break all ties therefore is to truly stay clear
and go your own way. Any form of ‘giving an inch’ means that they will
seek to take a mile, and just because you may have separated physically the
narcissist’s stories will still be in play. In their minds, they will always have
one over on you or be in a position of control. A slight or single gesture of
kindness, compassion, patience or tolerance on your behalf will be,
unfortunately, seen as weakness and your ex will seek to use this against
you. Even a tiny or nearly completely eradicated mental, emotional,
psychological or physical manipulation which once had you trapped may
resurface. Once again, you could find yourself under the narcissist’s charm.
The best and possibly the only way to make sure this doesn’t happen is to
distance yourself, or at least make sure they are distanced from you. The
duality and apparent opposing truth as to what has previously been shared is
that the narcissist doesn’t want you once you have actually cut ties and
made it clear you can no longer be manipulated. Of course, they will always
want you on a level, but they also are intelligent and aware to the fact that
they can’t get their fix if you are no longer appeasing them. As much as it
may make them extremely annoyed, angry or frustrated (extremely being
the key word here) even those with severe narcissistic personality disorder,
who thrive on the compliance and unconscious support of others, know
when to admit defeat. Your self- respect and decision to fully stop playing
their games, appeasing and self- sacrificing way too much of yourself
results in the “forced acceptance” that you are not someone to be abused.
This means they need to find someone else, or work on themselves which
may never happen.

Recovery, Integration and Moving Forward

Hopefully the chapters and information in this book has provided you with
a complete and integrated understanding of your narcissist and how to move
on, let go and heal. Re- finding yourself is a huge part of this as is engaging
in self- therapy, healing and developing your personal boundaries. Two
other things which need to be emphasized are self- love and self- care. It
is very well exploring the complexity of the narcissist personality and
motivations in depth, yet if you do not know how to move forward and
recover through practical and realistically implementable self- love and
self- care measures, it is not a very integrated approach to divorcing a
narcissist.
To end this book we are going to briefly explore a “Self- Love and Self-
Care” plan you can integrate into your daily routine, or at least take
inspiration from to create your own.

“Self- Love and Self- Care Recovery Plan” for Healing & Moving
Forward

1. Have a Morning Routine

Having a morning routine is crucial to your recovery and moving on. It
keeps you motivated, dedicated to your own self- love and healing, and
fully committed to your future. Habits are instinctual, we engage in daily
habits all the time. Yet, once we become conscious of our habits we can
evolve and develop them into routines which can best serve us.
A morning routine can include the following:
● Saying thank you to your bed. Gratitude is one of the most
powerful forces and sets you up for your day. When you say thank
you with sincerity, you are actively attracting more of the things
 you are grateful for. You are also increasing your over- all vibration.
Upon waking, show gratitude towards the bed which has provided
you comfort, peace and security. This will amplify your ability to
utilize the law of attraction.

● Drinking lemon water or herbal tea. Lemon water helps clear

your body of toxins and herbal teas can kick start your immune
system. “Your health is in your wealth,” and how true this
statement is! Your thoughts, emotions, physical health and spiritual
or holistic well- being are all intrinsically connected, so starting
your day with something healthy, revitalizing, energizing and
detoxifying- cleansing has a positive impact on your mind,
emotions and sense of self- esteem and self- confidence.
Confidence is connected to how you feel on a physical level,
therefore incorporating something like lemon water or a detoxifying
green tea into your morning routine will allow you to shine within.
This reflects outwards!
● Morning meditation. Meditating upon waking or not long after
can do great things for your self- confidence, self- esteem and
ability to stay connected to your truth, further living your best life.
Meditating increase energy vitality, sharpens your mind, enhances
intuition, increases powers of observation and awareness, allows for
higher thinking, and opens your mind to new ways of thinking,
being and perceiving. It also helps enhance qualities such as
empathy, compassion, kindness, sincerity and seeing the truth or
wisdom in situations. It can help you be calmer and feel both happy
and content inside, also stimulating advanced levels of imagination
and creative thought. Merging a morning meditation into your daily
routine may also open you up to new passion projects or paths for
growth, connection and meeting new people.

● Inspiring documentary or podcast. Listening to an inspiring (or

motivational) podcast or watching a documentary for just 10
minutes during your morning awakening period will do profound
things to your self- worth, and stimulate you into action. This
activity can help remind you of your own greatness and may spark
creative, artistic or intellectual interests and talents. It will also
 remind you of how wonderful life is and why you are lucky to be
alive!

● Spiritual or inspirational literature, reading or poetry. The

same is true for reading. Poetry, spiritual literature or poetry, or any
book which engages you and stimulates your emotions and mental
thought processes in a helpful way should all be merged into your
routine; or whichever one or two resonate. Anything spiritual,
inspirational or motivational connects you to your own source of
personal power and empowers you. You may receive memories or
have flashback of joyful past experiences. You may be reminded of
a past version of yourself, things you said or did or how you once
inspired others. Reading not long after waking can spark you in
unique ways.
● Exercise or do a martial art. Gentle exercise in the morning is
known to improve all areas of life. It can move trapped energy,
release stored emotions, provide physical vitality and wellness, and
improve your mood and outlook on life. Engaging in a light martial
art such as Chi Kung (Qi Gong) or Tai Chi is also highly beneficial.
These two martial arts are very gentle and help to improve your
internal energy systems. They also stimulate your inner spirit and
core strength simultaneously whilst empowering you to master your
mind, emotions and health.
2. Follow all the guidance in these chapters!
Finally and to conclude this book, follow all the guidance, wisdom and self-
help examples in these chapters. You can try self- massage, self- healing,
nature or music therapy, mindfulness and various self- development routes.
 Conclusion
Divorcing a Narcissist by Dr. Theresa J. Covert is a carefully and
compassionately constructed account of the narcissistic personality, often
referred to as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and how to release
yourself from it’s bonds. Narcissism can be a severe character deficit
resulting in such an innate and apparent lack of empathy, kindness, care and
love that it can almost be seen as borderline sadism. Depending on which
type of narcissist you are dealing with, your psyche may have undergone a
long and testing period of suffering, abuse and confusion, leaving you
questioning your own abilities, self- worth and greatness. And this is what a
narcissist fails to see- inner beauty; the qualities which make one real and
authentic and lead to intimacy, vulnerability, and sincere and genuine
human connection. Hopefully the chapters in this book will provide a long
term recovery strategy with lasting effect. There is no quick fix, you must
be willing to do the work and begin the journey to healing and wholeness.
However, once you have you can be sure that your ‘narcissistic other’ will
be your other half no more, and you can once again start afresh setting the
reset button.
 Narcissistic Mothers
The truth about the problem with being the
Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother and how to fix it.
A guide for healing and recovering after narcissistic
abuse

Dr. Theresa J. Covert

Introduction
P ride, arrogance, ego, and admiration; these are all feelings that are okay
with some restraint. However, a narcissist is excessively proud and
thinks that they are entitled to get anything that they want.
So, what is narcissism?
Narcissism has its origins in Greek mythology where there was a young
man named Narcissus. He was a Greek hunter from Boeotia and the son of
the river god and a nymph. He was a remarkably handsome person.
One day, Nemesis lured him to the edge of a lake where he fell in love with
the water pool reflection of himself. Narcissus was so engrossed with
admiring his reflection that he ended up drowning in the lake.
In this day and age, narcissism is a theory used in psychoanalysis; the
psychoanalysis theory has its beginnings in the 1914 essay on narcissism by
Sigmund Freud.
Also, the American Psychiatrist Association classifies narcissism as a
mental disorder characterized by patterns of need for the admiration of
others and a lack of empathy for others, a grandiose sense of self-
importance and a sense of entitlement.
Narcissism is a personality trait disorder. Most psychologists and
psychoanalysis experts agree that narcissism is a cultural and social
problem that is on the increase in our world today.
However, most specialists in the field of psychology agree there is healthy
narcissism; these specialists see healthy narcissism as a show of healthy
self-love, and most experts also agree that the line between healthy self-
love and narcissistic propensities is an extremely thin one and that healthy
self-esteem can rapidly grow into narcissism without an individual's
knowledge.
An obsession over one’s physical appearance, traits, and achievements at
unnatural levels can lead to a distraction from daily life and activities.
Narcissism Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of the three dark
personalities together with Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy. These three
dark personalities are referred to as the “dark triad.” People with these three
disorders exhibit malevolent qualities.
It will help at this point not confuse narcissism with egocentrism.
Narcissists are all about their egos, just like the egocentrics, but there is a
difference between a narcissist and an egocentric person. A narcissist only
gets their fix of admiration or whatever supply it is that they need for the
moment from someone else.
Dealing with narcissism is very difficult; this is because the people
suffering from it do not see it as a problem. The people who suffer from
narcissism believe that they are perfectly fine and healthy.
Any event or person that forces people living with Narcissistic Personality
Disorder to double-check themselves will not produce change. They will
still try to cover the facts about them as attacks and live on with their
disorder.
 Chapter 1: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

M ost experts in the field of psychiatry believe that Narcissistic

Personality Disorder (NPD) cannot be cured. This means that people
diagnosed with it will have the symptoms of the disorder all their lives and
will have to continually work hard to deal with the behavioral difficulties
caused by the disorder.
Although people diagnosed with NPD might experience relief of symptoms
and might learn valuable coping strategies, they will still have some signs
of the disorder for the rest of their lives. Also, most psychiatrists don’t
believe that medication works well to control any personality disorder,
especially NPD.
Narcissism is a kind of belief a person has about themselves, that they are
unique and more important than others around them. With this belief, they
often act in particular ways and will do things to boost their image in the
eyes of others.
The belief in their superiority over others is so deeply ingrained in
narcissists that they experience many difficulties when dealing with other
people as they will often treat everyone else as less important.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), therefore, is the term that connotes
a type of mental disorder wherein the individual affected has an
exaggerated sense of self-importance.
Individuals affected with NPD have a deep need for reverence from others,
though they lack empathy for others. Individuals affected with NPD do not
present themselves for psychological treatment because they do not see that
there is an issue with their conduct, even though they are aware that people
around them constantly find them very difficult to deal with.
The criteria officially used for diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder
are described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Version Five (DSM-
V). The DSM-V is the book mental health experts use to diagnose mental
illnesses.
It is pertinent to note that some people might display signs of narcissistic
tendencies but do not have full-blown NPD.
A few criteria for diagnosing NPD as described in the DSM-V are:
A. Antagonism, characterized by Grandiosity, and
B. Attention seeking.
The criteria described in the DSM-V can be explained through the actions
of the particular individual suffering from NPD. An individual who is
affected by NPD will only think of themselves. Their actions will reveal
that they think only about themselves and seek to put down individuals
around them.
For instance, an individual suffering from NPD may misrepresent their
contribution to a work project while deprecating the commitment of a co-
worker to the project. The individual might even steal the ideas of others
and take credit for the ideas and actions of others. An individual suffering
from NPD must be at the center of the universe at all times.
To be diagnosed with full-blown NPD means that a person must exhibit this
attention-seeking behavior both over time and in many different
circumstances. They must have exhibited it as a young adult, and they must
have grown older without much change in their behavior. They exhibit
attention-seeking with their family, at work, and in the community. This
personality trait seems stable, no matter who they are with and what they
are doing.
A person suffering from NPD cannot have their behaviors explained based
upon how old they are. For example, many teenagers act like they are the
center of the universe and may exaggerate their actions, but this can be
explained as a normal stage in their psychological growth, which they will
eventually outgrow. However, a person with NPD will never abandon their
teenage behaviors. So for an adult, some acts are not considered normal.
This is one of the reasons why personality disorders such as NPD are not
diagnosed until a person is an adult.
Someone with NPD will seek attention and have a false sense of self no
matter what their state of sobriety is. For instance, a person who behaves
like a narcissist while drunk, but is a loving and healthy person while sober,
would not be diagnosed with NPD because their behaviors are as a result of
the alcohol in their system. Someone with NPD will act like a narcissist no
matter what their state is.
Taken as a whole, when someone has NPD, they believe that they are the
center of the universe and everything revolves around them and as such,
they bear no regard for the feelings of people around them, along with the
fact that they will not be empathetic with other people.
People suffering from NPD will do whatever they can to be the center of
attention and show others how significant they are to the world. They will
continue to show these traits throughout their whole lives. Usually, these
traits start to show in their lives during adolescence, and they will carry
these traits into adulthood.
It is estimated that up to 6.2% of the general population suffer narcissistic
personality disorder and that men are more than twice as likely to be
diagnosed as women.
How Narcissistic Personality Disorder Develops
As with any other mental illness or personality disorder, there are different
explanations for NPD. The causes of NPD could show up independently or
exist along with one another in someone’s life; this will then encourage the
development of NPD.
The first puzzle piece in the development of NPD is genetics. If a family
member had NPD, it is quite likely that children and some other relatives
might also develop the disorder. This is because of psychobiology; the idea
that the brain and human behaviors are connected. If the brain is genetically
wired in one way because of the genes a person has inherited from parents
and grandparents, then a person is likely to inherit the genes that caused for
the wiring to occur in such a way to create NPD. People who have a genetic
predisposition are more likely to suffer from NPD than those without it.
The other trigger for NPD is parenting issues. If a person lives with a parent
or in a family situation where they are overly pampered, treated
continuously as unique, or given everything they ever ask for without any
idea that there are limits, they are more likely to develop NPD. Children
need boundaries and discipline, and without them, they will grow up with
an unrealistic view of both themselves and how the world works. They
incorporate the belief that they are special and perfect into their worldview.
On the other hand, people who grew up with parents who were especially
harsh and never valued anything the child did can also develop NPD. The
child develops a defense mechanism to offset the negative and constant
criticism that they receive. Think of it like a pendulum swinging the other
way. If the parent is overly harsh to the child, the child will start to
overcompensate by believing that they are entitled to everything, that they
are special, and that they deserve the world, just to combat the negativity
that surrounds them every single day. This is generally thought to happen
because the child may be overcompensating to try to prove their worth to
their parent. They want to earn the parent’s love and approval.
No matter which type of parent the person with NPD had, the parental
behaviors began while the child was young, generally before the age of
three.
A third factor that may be relevant to the development of NPD is society’s
ideas of who and what is important. For example, the idea that the most
powerful, rich, and successful are more important than “ordinary people”
has become an ingrained belief thanks to mass media’s preoccupation with
these types of people. In watching reality TV, people who are self-centered,
selfish, and rude to others are idealized, whereas people who are caring and
compassionate are often marginalized or completely ignored. Second,
people receive more approval from outside influence when they are smarter,
more prosperous, or have a higher status. This could cause people to work
for this higher status so they can receive the same type of recognition. Last,
there is a weakening of the community in our society. Children are not often
brought up to believe they are part of something bigger than themselves,
which leads to kids having more difficulty identifying with others. A
grandiose self-image replaces their ability to empathize.
Usually, however, there is a mixture of both genetic factors and
environmental factors, both personal and societal, at work with the
development of any personality disorder. If a parent or other close family
member has the personality disorder, the child will likely grow up both with
a genetic link to get it and in an unstable home environment where the traits
are more likely to develop. Because many of the traits have been shown to
exist since childhood, it is easy to see why the disorder becomes so
challenging to treat.
However, that doesn’t mean there are not treatments or options for a person
suffering from NPD or their families. The next chapter will give some clues
into the current treatments available through modern medicine and
psychiatry to handle Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
You will, undoubtedly, have heard of the term ‘Ego’. It is naturally assumed
that everyone has one; although some people’s egos are much larger than
others. Ego is an idea of your self-worth; in many people, this is a fragile
item; easily affected by others and their opinions and views.
Your ego will be built upon your own beliefs and experiences throughout
life; if you have always met with success, you are likely to have a bigger
ego and be more confident. Likewise, those who often meet with failure
will tend to have a diminished ego and be less confident in their abilities.
Everything you undertake in life will help to build or diminish this ego; it is
a moving, almost living thing, and this is an essential, healthy part of life.
Egoism is an extension of this principle; it believes that all actions and
goals should relate to yourself; everything that you do should benefit you
and help you to reach your own goals. Moving a stage past this and you
become someone with NPD; when the achievement of your goals and the
benefit of your actions focuses entirely on you. This should be regardless of
the effect on those around you. Egoism is often disguised as kindness and
generosity; giving someone else a gift without a reward can seem selfless;
in fact, it is often a tool used by someone with NPD to manipulate and gain
the support of others; the gift can later be mentioned to ensure a favor is
provided when needed. A true egotist will not consider the thoughts of
others; their interests lie only in what is good for them.
An ego which centers on your own needs above all others is essential for
the creation of NPD. What is perhaps the most interesting thing about this is
that it is agreed that someone is born without any ego. At the moment you
are born, you do not have any preconceived ideas about the world, yourself,
or even any knowledge. All these things are built upon from the moment
you are born. Your first instincts will be to reach out and explore the world
around you; in a baby, this is done through the senses; sight, touch, smell;
hearing, and taste. At this point your ego is simply a reflection of what
others think and do; if they praise you and smile at you then you will feel
good about yourself, if they do not, you will feel bad about yourself. From
this simple beginning, your ego will grow and will be fed by the images and
experiences around you. From this standpoint, an egotist or someone likely
to have a narcissistic personality is a product of society. Of course, this is a
very simplistic approach as there are many other factors which will
influence the development of NPD; the exact cause is not known but could
be linked to your genes.
The definition of egoism is that the self-belief created by your ego is
essential to ensuring you make the correct moral decisions and, therefore,
behave by accepted moral standards.
Of course, these standards also extend to assist in understanding the
development of NPD; egoism accepts that anyone should put themselves
first and this self-belief should motivate all conscious actions; this means
that self-interest is an acceptable conclusion to any action, which is exactly
what someone with NPD does!
Selfishness is also a trait of someone with NPD; their desires are placed
above all others. They see themselves as more important and worthy of
success than anyone else, and this becomes a justification for being selfish.
Almost everyone has been selfish at some point or the other in their life; it
could be hanging onto a vital person because they need them rather than it
being the best thing for the person or the relationship. Alternatively, it could
be something more straightforward, like taking the last chocolate!
However, the traits of selfishness are sometimes essential in parts of life.
Business leaders, in particular, need to put the interests of their company
first to succeed. This can even be seen to be essential for preserving the jobs
and welfare of their employees. However, putting the company’s needs first
will also ensure that their own needs are being given priority. The very
traits which are essential for business success can start someone on the
course to a narcissistic personality even if they do not develop NPD.
The economic acceptance of selfishness as an essential trait if the business
shows the complications which arise when trying to establish the
parameters and definition of someone suffering from NPD; in many walks
of life their behavior will be akin with an extremely successful person. By
this logic, selfishness is a desirable and even essential trait for those who
wish to succeed.
To be genuinely selfish you need to be devoid of empathy or consideration
for other people’s feelings; this is, perhaps, the critical point at which
someone will change from being considered socially ‘normal’ and having a
personality disorder. Anyone who has NPD will be unable to establish
empathy with those around them; this inevitably leads to the ability and
desire to manipulate those around you as you lose the ability to respect their
feelings or needs. This type of behavior is associated with those suffering
from NPD as well as psychopaths.
It must be understood that, as with all personality traits, it is essential to
have an awareness of self and to look out for your interests. Being selfish is
necessary at times to ensure you stick to your principles, values, or simply
to complete a job close to your heart. The crucial difference is
understanding the effect this may have on others and choosing to do it
anyway, despite the emotional and physical consequences. If you are never
selfish, you will never stand up for anything you believe in and will be
likely to spend your life following the herd, possibly never achieving your
full potential.
It has been suggested that selfishness in adults can be created through a
difficult childhood. Any child who has little or no praise or even
acknowledgment of their existence is likely to retreat into their world. Some
of these children will become recluses and socially inept for life; others will
build their fantasy worlds to retreat into and escape the harshness of their
life. These fantasy worlds will often revolve around having the control,
power, and admiration that they are not receiving as a child. These worlds
can be carried into adulthood, and a narcissistic personality will develop as
the desire to be appreciated will eclipse all other feelings. Again, this
development will be in conjunction with other influences and your genes.
Selfishness is a trait of someone with NPD; however, you can be selfish
without having NPD. Aside from the healthy form of selfishness which has
already been discussed; most people find themselves being selfish because
of the demands and stresses of their own lives; it is not a fundamental desire
to hurt others but rather a reaction to your environment. Selfish people tend
to come across as selfish, while people with NPD are charming and will
appear to fit in well, while being very accommodating. This is because they
are manipulating and controlling people around them to obtain their own
selfish needs. The difference in personality is both easy to spot and an
essential part of the difference between someone who has NPD and
someone who does not. After all, someone who truly has NPD will be very
concerned with looking good to others; this will ensure they get the help
they need to achieve their goals. They will appear trustworthy and unselfish
when, in fact, they are the exact opposite; the problem is their charm and
charisma will hide their true personality and motivation from you.
 Chapter 2: Types of Narcissism

W hile we talk about narcissism in general terms, there is more than one
type. In the real world, when you meet a narcissist face to face, there
may be signs that match the way a narcissist behaves because most of the
time, they are a mix of the various types. As with typical combinations,
there is always the dominant type mixed with another.
To help you to determine which one is what, here’s a brief rundown of each
different type and their specific characteristics or personality traits:
Cerebral
A cerebral narcissist believes that they are better than anyone and that their
intelligence far exceeds that of anyone else. They flaunt their intelligence
and self-assumed superiority to be admired and envied by the rest. They
know everything about, well, everything. They make it a point to have an
opinion or suggestion for everything that you might throw at them. They
will be happy to tell you stories that show off their sheer brilliance, whether
the stories are real or just made up. They are pleased to point out everyone
else’s failings and will look down on and sneer at anyone who is of lower
intelligence. Such people are so obsessed with their grey matter that they
will go out of their way to take alarmingly good care of it, sometimes to the
extent that it reflects badly on their health and physical prowess. Narcissism
is very often associated with sexual stimulation. Cerebral narcissists rarely
engage in sexual stimulation with others, as they prefer personal stimulation
over the real deal. Therefore, it would not come as much of a surprise when
I say that they prefer the anonymity and lack of intimacy that comes with
pornography.
For this reason, they may choose porn over real close relationships. Besides
maintaining a relationship with such people is a Herculean task in itself as
they will always insist on being the intellectually superior one in the
relationship and assume the right to control the other person’s thoughts,
emotions, and actions. Even then, these relationships will be extremely
short-lived as they are continually looking for more superior people to
associate with. Cerebral narcissists should not be confused with somatic
narcissists.

Somatic
Somatic narcissists are more closely in touch with the Greek legend of
Narcissus. They are all consumed by how beautiful they believe they are.
You will often find somatic narcissists at a gym or somewhere else where
they are working on their appearance. For them, it is all about their body
and physique. They can be seen continuously flexing their muscles and
bragging about their success in sporting events. They expect their body to
be the source of their narcissistic supply and so they dress up immaculately
and keep themselves well-groomed. Their narcissistic supply comes from
how others react to how they look or from their sexual conquests – indeed,
most somatic narcissists will have a long list of partners. They never cease
to boast about their conquests in bed. Even though they may have bedded
many partners, most of the sex is bound to be cold and emotionless.
Eventually, the word partner begins to lose meaning, and they may be more
aptly described as the victim. Cheating in marital life is something that you
shouldn’t put past a somatic narcissist. He is happiest when his narcissistic
supply comes from multiple sources. They are quite dangerous as they
know how to manipulate people both emotionally and through sexual
intercourse. This tends to scar their spouse for life if they decide to be in a
long-term relationship with them.
Overt
This form of narcissism manifests in grandiosity. They are preoccupied
about having outstanding success in many areas, like brilliance,
attractiveness, sense of power, ideal love, etc. Since they have an immense
sense of grandiosity, they believe that they can only be fully appreciated by
other people on their level of grandiosity. The overt narcissist always has to
be in control of any situation. They are never wrong, and they will never be
shy about making it clear that everything is about them and that everything
has to be done the way they want it done. Their egos are super-sized, and
they are not backward in showing it to you either. The overt narcissist can
cut you up, physically or verbally and will not show a single second of
remorse or guilt. Such people are interpersonally very exploitative and will
not think twice before using someone to achieve their own needs. Although
very arrogant on the inside, they are experts at masking their egotism within
a false humility. They envy other people to a great extent and get jealous of
their achievements, possessions, and relationships. They seriously lack
empathy, and this makes them unfit to work in a group. They are usually
loners.
They may be seen as being overconfident, and they are extrovert in their
behavior – in fact, it would be easier to describe their personality as loud,
noticeable, larger than life, and somewhat oppressive.

Covert
The covert narcissist exhibits all the normal traits you would expect to find
in a narcissist but with one difference: they want someone to take care of
them. They are best described as the shy form of narcissism. He has grand
fantasies similar to other types of narcissists, but he lacks the drive to pull it
off successfully. He is too timid to get what he wants and lacks self-
confidence. He usually feels worthless at not being able to pull off exactly
what he wanted. He faces large feelings of shame about the same thing. He
rarely takes credit for his achievements. He openly admires successful
people and secretly envies them. He is unlikely to accumulate appropriate
friends and prefers to surround himself with inferior persons. Such people
are hyper-vigilant to rejection and humiliation. They could be described as
parasites, living off other people. They will typically exhibit some signs of
an illness that needs taking care of, and that is why they can never be what
you want. They don’t want to take responsibility for anything and will look
for a partner who is strong, successful, and intelligent, one that can run their
lives while they don’t need to contribute anything. Covert narcissists will
sometimes pair up with the overt narcissist.

Unprincipled
The unprincipled narcissist does not have a conscience and cannot seem to
tell the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong. They care very
little about laws, values, and conventions and stay just within the
boundaries of the law. They exploit others without the slightest bit of
remorse because they consider other people as inferior to them anyway.
This unprincipled lifestyle makes them more than willing to risk harm, and
they are remarkably fearless in the face of danger. Their malicious and
diabolic tendencies are easily visible, and get them into trouble with the
authorities. They achieve gratification by dominating and humiliating
others. These people never form an allegiance with anyone and so move
from person to person with remarkable ease. They are alien to emotional
attachments and do not feel the slightest remorse on ending an auspicious
relationship. The people they leave crumpled in their wake are very
adversely affected, as the narcissist is usually very charming. These
narcissists are exceptionally dangerous because, for them, truth is only
relative. They are masters of manipulation and deceit. They are very adept
at scheming beneath a polite and civil veneer. Their plans are usually very
cunning and worthy of admiration even though the means is hardly
justified. They show no concern for other people’s welfare, have no morals,
scruples, and are highly deceptive when they deal with others. They will
give off an air of arrogance and are driven by a need to get the better of
everyone, to prove that they are smarter than everyone. This kind of
narcissist may be found in prisons or drug rehabilitation centers, although
there are an awful lot of unprincipled narcissists who never come up against
the law. When in the vicinity of an unprincipled narcissist always be sure to
keep your guard up. They smell insecurities a mile away and can easily turn
you into a scapegoat for their next exploit.

Amorous
Amorous narcissists tend to be erotic or seductive in nature, and they
measure their entire self-worth around their sometimes many sexual
conquests. Their relationships are often pathological and, as soon as they
seduce someone, they are likely to throw them to one side while they look
for their next conquest. They are never looking for an emotional connection
but rather seek to inflate their already bloated ego by sexually dominating
other people who they consider as trophies. The victim has more or less no
idea that they are being used and sometimes they sincerely fall in love with
the narcissists. However, the narcissist genuinely lacks any empathy and
will throw them away like paper towels. This makes them outrageous
heartbreakers. Not only are they often known as heartbreakers, but they will
also do some outrageous things, like pathological lying, conning their
sexual partner out of money and other fraudulent acts. They use their sexual
prowess to con unsuspecting people. The amorous narcissist is
compensating for deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy. In most cases, they
get away with it too because people hesitate to complain about them.
Compensatory
Compensatory narcissists are continually looking for a way to compensate
for things that happened in the past, perhaps in their childhood, and they do
this by creating an illusion that they are superior. They tend to live in a
fantasy world where they play the leading role in a theater that doesn’t exist
rather than living a real life. They imagine achievements in a bid to enhance
their self-esteem. They need an audience filled with people who will
believe their deceptions, and they are extremely sensitive to how other
people perceive them, looking for signs that they are being criticized. They
try to compensate for everything that they feel they were deprived off. Their
agenda is similar to the other narcissists except that they are more focused
rather than being guilty of random acts of narcissism.

Elite
The elite narcissist is, in many ways, very similar to the compensatory
narcissist in that they are obsessed with their self-image. The sense of self
they create rarely resembles the real person, but they manage to convince
themselves and others that they have unique abilities and talents. They will,
more often than not, turn a relationship into a contest or a competition
where the only goal is to win, to prove to others that they are truly superior.
This will happen with any relationship, be it family, work, or love. The elite
narcissist is a social climber and will be happy to step on anyone who gets
in his or her way. In a way, he is the most dangerous of all the types as he
hides in plain sight so effectively that even the ones closest to him perceive
him as a good and honest person. An elite narcissist is usually a highly
successful businessman or businesswoman who has a very reputable
profile. They consider material wealth and assets as a primary objective
over real emotion. They are masters of deception and often use their talents
to walk over other people. Being as cunning as they get, they usually have a
legitimate and reputed business that they use as a front for all of their shady
dealings. They are incredibly protective of their personal space. If they get
the slightest hint that you are a threat to everything that they have built up,
they will eliminate you without a second thought. They are ruthless and
without remorse or empathy. They are concerned only with their well being
and the achievement of their goals. They will go to any length to achieve
what they want.
Below are some of the narcissistic sub-types. These sub-types can be
encountered by various people daily. Some can be annoying but tolerated,
while some can cause emotional harm.

Conversational
Ever recall an instance where you are talking to a certain person, ranting, or
just randomly telling one of your everyday life stories to him? What’s
unforgettable is how the conversation always manages to end up with him
as the subject and the victor? Annoying, right? Not only is it sickening to
hear stories with always the same triumphant result, but it is also annoying
that they always make you forget what you are about to say due to their
constant interruption.
This kind of conversation can happen between normal people as well, but it
is almost always the case with people suffering from narcissism. There is an
even more aggressive conversational narcissist where they rudely cut you
off while you were saying something, so that they can insist their own story
whose lead character is always them.
If, by reading this part of the book, you are reminded of that one person
who never fails to do this every time you are having a conversation, try to
observe. Check out his other mannerisms, habits, or the way he behaves
with other people. Chances are, you have a narcissist who is sneakily
turning all his friends into his supply sources.

Group Narcissism
Whenever the topic is narcissism, we are always presented with the idea
that it is all about a person who cares for nothing else but himself. This is
true, but it does not necessarily rule out the possibility of narcissism that
can occur in a group.
In group narcissism, the narcissist individual is always a part of the group.
Usually, the group is made up of narcissist people who mirror themselves
and they don’t encounter any problem with having to co-exist with each
other. They tend to become the narcissist supply source of each other, and
you will know that it is working out as the group acts as a narcissistic entity.
You see, narcissists tend to gather or join each other in groups because it
brings them comfort. This is because they are all pretty much similar, and
share the same behaviors or habits. There’s no questioning about why he
behaves this way, and she behaves that way because they all know that they
are trying to protect something deep inside them.
Now, this group becomes a protector of the hidden real selves of each
member. While this looks nice and beneficial for the narcissist, this does not
mean that they are already safe from the danger of self-destruction. It’s
always there, just below the surface.

Aggressive or Malignant Narcissism

This type of narcissism is your lesser type (like classic, cerebral, somatic,
elite, and others) kicked up a notch because it becomes violent and
psychopathic. Take Adolf Hitler or Ted Bundy. They can be categorized as
aggressive types of narcissists.
Not all narcissists prefer to harm their supply source or victims physically.
Most of the time, they just torture or abuse you mentally. However, when a
narcissist becomes a bit too physical and performs the murder, the rape, or
some other crimes with cold blood, that person can already be categorized
as a malignant or aggressive narcissist.

Destructive Narcissism
So we have labels for, pretty much, every type of narcissist out there.
Honestly, some psychiatrists do not exactly agree with these labels because
identifying a narcissist is more than just knowing all the types and matching
the behaviors or signs dominant to that type.
What is more, some narcissists are too clever that they can compensate for
some of the behaviors to cover them up. That way, fewer tracks means less
disruption to the facade that took them years and so many lies to build and
complete.
Some people cannot also be classified as narcissists but they match some of
a narcissist’s description. Now, why am I saying all these? This is because
of this type, the destructive narcissist, is one of those who do not technically
fit the definition of a narcissist, but they also inflict pain on themselves and
also shows general narcissist patterns.
Out of all the types, the destructive narcissist is the one that seems to be a
bit irregular. They have some of the traits that can easily identify them
within the various types of the narcissist, and all the while lacks some
narcissistic traits that will solidify their being categorized as a narcissist.
Destructive narcissists usually have the most intense characteristics that a
narcissist can have. These characteristics will ruin and destroy people
around the narcissist, and because of this, you can easily associate them
with a pathological narcissist. However, the mentioned characteristics are
fewer.
Sexual Narcissism
While this may raise your eyebrows as we have come to know that
narcissists aren’t exactly crazy about having sex with someone else, let us
take a quick look at who these sexual narcissists are. Sex, when blended
with grandiosity, becomes sexual narcissism. A sexual narcissist boasts
pleasurable sexual skills, has a sexual entitlement, and he also lacks sexual
empathy.
The meaning? You get to have intercourse with a sexual narcissist, but as
always, it is for his pleasure and not yours. You may feel a satisfaction, and
this is no wonder because of the sexual skills of the narcissist. However, if
the narcissist feels that he is already satisfied and you aren’t yet, even if you
are right in the middle of it and he wants to stop, he will stop.
He will only do it with you when he feels like it. So if a sexual narcissist
doesn’t feel like doing it, even if two weeks have passed already, you will
not get any sex.
Another thing that you have to know about sexual narcissists is that they
have a big tendency to be an unfaithful partner. Big surprise! Since they feel
like they have all the sexual skills, they also feel that they can do it with
anyone as long as they are in the mood for it.

Acquired Situational Narcissism (ASN)

This narcissism sub-type is a lot different from the rest of the types, even
the main ones, as ASN is acquired later on in life as an adult. All other
narcissism types are acquired in the childhood phase of a person’s life.
ASN can’t just happen to anyone. One needs to have the narcissistic
tendency as a child for ASN to be successfully triggered. This type of
narcissism is triggered when an adult with a narcissistic tendency suddenly
comes across wealth, celebrity-status, or fame. Through this, the previous
tendency suddenly blooms into a full-blown narcissistic personality
disorder complete with signs, symptoms, behaviors, and more harmful
probabilities like the usual type of narcissism. The only difference is the age
when the sufferer acquired it.
What feeds their narcissistic cravings are their fans, supporters, people
around them, their fake friends, assistants, social media, and the traditional
type of media.
 Chapter 3: How to Recognize
A Narcissistic Mother

T here is a narcissistic personality inventory (NPI) tool based on forced

choice questions meant for measuring narcissism in populations of
people and a diagnostic tool called the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory
(MCMI) used more for individual cases that can be and often are used by
medical professionals to diagnose NPD (narcissist personality disorder).
These tools can be helpful, but they cannot be used by themselves. They
must be used in conjunction with observations of patient behavior. In order
to be diagnosed and get treatment for NPD, a patient’s condition should
meet the criteria for a diagnosis of NPD as defined in the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

NPD Behavioral Characteristics

The manifestations of narcissist personality disorder are an extreme (some
even call it erotic) self-interest that often involves an emphasis on physical
appearance. If one is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder
(NPD), it will generally result as a consequence of a psychiatrist or other
qualified health professional observing the patient behaving as if he or she
is without the capacity to love anyone but themselves. Most of the time,
they are unable to provide their significant other, friends, and other family
members with the love, friendship, and caring they all need for a healthy
two-way relationship.
Also, the patient exhibits a behavior totally lacking in empathy,
disregarding other people’s feelings, and ignoring what others in their life
care about. They have never “felt anyone else’s pain” or even tried to
empathize with someone going through a difficult time. In fact, there is only
one perspective in the world that exists to the narcissist: their own.
With NPD the narcissist will often have an unrealistic and “out of touch
with reality” overconfidence and vanity. They will view their appearance
and capabilities as far better than they actually are yet they are unable to
deal with even the slightest of criticism. They will hunger for and even
demand praise and admiration from those in their life.
Other People Live to Meet the Needs of The Narcissist
Relating to an early paper by Martin Buber referred to earlier in this book,
Buber recognized that narcissists view other people as objects to be used for
achieving their ends rather than treating people as equal human beings.
They will use others to achieve their own ends without the slightest thought
of what it may cost the other person.
A Lack of Appropriate Boundaries
This “people are objects to be used” attitude can create a bizarre situation
whereby the narcissist cannot distinguish between himself or herself and
others. So the narcissist views others as an extension of themselves and
think that others exist only to meet their needs. If it turns out that the other
people in their life do not exist for this purpose, then the narcissist doesn’t
even recognize their existence.
That’s right! Other people don’t even exist in the mind of the narcissist if
they are not living to meet every need of the narcissist. This is called the
lack of the ability to recognize boundaries. In other words, other people are
extensions of themselves and are expected to behave the way the narcissist
expects them to and live up to every one of their expectations. There is no
boundary between the narcissist and others. For those that the narcissists
view as true extensions of themselves, they heap on unwarranted flattery
and admiration to maintain the affirmation of their unrealistic and inflated
self-worth.
Oblivious
Another behavior of the narcissist is a lack of awareness and insight. They
have no idea they have a mental illness and are totally unaware of the
impact their behavior has on others. This can make it very difficult to treat
narcissists. This also makes it nearly impossible for them to have normal
relationships with other people. All of their interaction with the other
people in their lives is focused on themselves, making the continuation of
any kind of favorable two-way relation that they start extremely difficult for
the other person.
Lack of Appropriate Emotion
The narcissist cannot feel appropriate relational emotions because their life
is not about others…it’s only about them. So not only do they not have
normal love emotions, but they also either repress totally or never really
feel emotions like regret when they should. After hurting someone else
emotionally, even committing acts of violence, when they should feel
shame and remorse they do not. They live a life never apologizing, asking
for forgiveness or for that matter, even feeling bad about hurting other
people emotionally or physically.
Conversely, when someone does something for them that is extraordinary,
and a person would normally feel the emotion of gratitude and thank them
appropriately, the narcissist will not express gratitude. This is because
everyone in the narcissist’s life is expected to do wonderful things for the
narcissist and it’s not “normal” when they don’t. In fact, as we will explore
next, the emotion that is most likely felt when there is a lack of pandering
and admiring the narcissist is injury and rage.
Observing Narcissistic Behavior
Because of the ridiculous self-image the narcissist holds so dearly they will
exhibit certain characteristics inherent with the disorder. First of all, they
will have a body language that can be called high and mighty, arrogant,
conceited, or snooty. They will also be unbelievably overconfident, lie
about things they have accomplished that they have not accomplished and
pretend to be more important than they obviously are.
All of The Bragging Rights Belong to the Narcissist
They are braggarts to the extreme. Their bragging can be subtle and crafty
so as not to be obvious and blatant about it, attempting to avoid getting
caught in exaggerations. They can become very good at the “skill” of
bragging. The bragging will be determined and unrelenting. If they do have
provable achievements, they will always exaggerate the importance of the
achievements they can prove. They will always act as if they are an expert
at many things even if they do not know the slightest thing about the
subject.
The Narcissist Is A Magical Thinker
At times the narcissist will display what you might call magical thinking
about just how wonderful they are, what they know, and what they can
accomplish. They even will sometimes think that just because they believe
something to be correct and true that it is in reality, correct and true, even if
there is strong evidence to the contrary. If it is obvious that the narcissist
cannot “measure up” to someone else, they will often be envious and show
disdain for and disapproval of the person to diminish them as much as
possible.
The Entitled Narcissist
According to the narcissist, he or she is entitled to get everything they want
and are entitled to have every event in life go their way. They are entitled to
the most favorable treatment wherever they go, and everyone needs to
comply with their wishes, their way of doing things and their way of
thinking. They are always the special person in the relationship and not
going along will classify the non-complier as a difficult or dumb and
awkward person in the narcissist’s special world.
The Manipulating Narcissist
Often times, other people will be forced into a subservient position by way
of being an employee, spouse, or child. Alternatively, sometimes the other
person will just be timid and afraid to challenge the will and authority of the
narcissist. The narcissist will start each new relationship assuming the other
person is in a subservient position even when they are not. This puts the
narcissist in a position of easily exploiting all who are unfortunate enough
to find themselves in this position.
Narcissists of Many Colors
These behaviors and attitudes are what define the mental condition of the
narcissist. The condition can assume varying degrees of severity. Some
narcissists have such dysfunctional family and social relationships they end
up alone, broken and unable to function in society. Others can master
manipulation strategies and techniques so well that they become very
successful in business or end up at the top of their very demanding
professions finally accumulating an “entourage” of subordinates that take
care of their every need, pander to their ego, swallow their pride and usually
take their very substantial paychecks to the bank. However, narcissists
usually fail at one thing in life. They fail at lasting relationships where love
defines behavior because they only love themselves. They have a lifelong
love affair with themselves and are “forever gazing into the pool at their
own reflection”.
 Chapter 4: Behaviors of a Narcissistic Mother

T he child with Narcissistic Personality Disorder enters into adulthood

with this disorder, which makes forming relationships difficult and
impedes satisfaction. They are constantly subjected to internal conflict and
always depend psychologically on others. The child is not an object of love
that is raised consciously and selflessly; far from it. The child of the
narcissistic mother is a mirror by which to gaze at and admire or deplore
her.
Narcissistic mothers tend to fall into two basic classifications: smothering
mothers and negligent mothers, both of which are discussed in detail below.

Smothering Mothering
The smothering mother, also known as the engulfing mother, cannot
determine the boundaries between mother and daughter. The daughter is an
appendage of the mother’s self in her mind. What is a natural inclination
from birth through the toddler stage becomes a problem later when the child
is seeking autonomy. It happens surreptitiously, perhaps unconsciously on
the part of both actors—mom and daughter. However, the mother does not
want to let go; she maneuvers to impede maturity. The proper boundaries
are not established, and normal bonding is thus interfered with.
This type of mothering intrudes in the friendships and communications of
the growing girl. The girl’s private space may be invaded without notice.
There are prying questions. The narcissistic engulfing mother also tends to
project her own preferences on the daughter, claiming that she really likes
this or that type of food or fashion or whatever, rather than the one that the
daughter says she likes.
Another negative mothering behavior on the part of the narcissistic-
smothered woman is meddling in the daughter’s relationships. Typically,
she puts down a close friend or husband or schemes to make them unhappy
with a view to disrupting a good relationship. She does this out of envy and
resentment.
From this behavior mentioned above, the daughter feels pressure not to
assert herself and her own tastes and choices. She may not readily stand up
to the mother because of the perceived associated risks of anger on the part
of the mother or unfair criticisms and other demonstrations of rejection.
Should the daughter demand to distance themselves, the mother will persist
nonetheless. It could lead to actual stalking and other forms of harassment.
The engulfing type often idealizes her girl in the extreme. Sometimes the
daughter is always the reason for the mom’s problems and shortcomings. In
other cases, she is just plain cold and negligent, absorbed as she is in her
own self-admiration and selfishness. Her tactics vary, corresponding to each
of these three styles.
To the engulfing mom, there is only the mother. There is no daughter, from
her perspective, so the mother assigns herself the right to control and
intrude. She may engage in asserting her right as a mother while treating the
grown daughter as a little child. She may seek to disturb the balance
between relationships by coming between a third person and the daughter
(i.e., triangulation).
Others may be fooled. Since the narcissist can be charming and alluring,
even charismatic but certainly talkative in the interest of monopolizing the
attention in any social circumstances, they may show admiration for the
mother-daughter rapport they observe. It can appear to be an ideal
relationship, one that is very close rather than pathologically domineering.
From Clinginess to Absence
Next, we proceed to the other end of the spectrum, the mother who ignores
the daughter. This kind of mother is so self-absorbed that she has little time
or thought for her daughter. Naturally, the impact is quite painful and
confusing.
The mother may be physically present most of the time but does not engage
with the daughter. She remains withdrawn from the relationship with the
daughter and preoccupied with herself and her own activities or ideas.
Approaches may only achieve annoyance from this mother. She does not
want to listen. She is negligent about the normal duties of parenting: from
personal grooming and hygiene, counseling about life, to household
organization.
Attempts to raise issues or inquire as to why the mother is so distant get few
responses. The reply is more likely to be the cold shoulder or some pretext
to move away and refrain from conversation. The reader can well imagine
the lack of affection in these circumstances. Any hugging may only be
mechanical and tentative on the part of the mother who likes to ignore the
child. There are no questions about how the school is going or how the girl
is feeling, etc. There are never any compliments. No encouragements. Any
conversation likely is conducted with an arrogant or condescending tone.
As the child grows up and carries on her life, there are no phone calls or
invitations. Any recognition of a birthday or some other special occasion
such as a graduation is addressed nominally, superficially. If any gifts
appear, they are according to the mother’s own tastes and pushed forward as
if the daughter may not be intelligent enough to see its value and suitability,
even if the gift is not at all relevant or likable to the younger woman.
Unlike the clingy relationship of the smothering mother, the engulfing, it is
easy to remove oneself from the company or attention of the ignoring mom.
Regardless, the pain of the emotional and material neglect cuts deep. The
daughter can feel unworthy in general as a result. She may not trust other
people enough to build close relationships after the experience with this
mother. She may feel she never belongs or is unlovable.
Precious Doll or Cause of All Trouble?
It is also important to be aware of the dual danger of the mothers who either
imagine a Golden Girl who can do no wrong or the Problem Child who
spoils everything. Should a narcissistic mother have two children, she may
assign each one of these opposing roles in the family.
Projecting her internal idealization of herself, she exaggerates the attributes
and accomplishments of the child she sees as golden. She sits on a
privileged and beautiful pedestal above others. This one can never do
anything wrong, in her eyes. Any bad behavior or weakness is dismissed
while any success or positive feature, no matter how small, is elevated. The
narcissistic parent of this one will shower this family member with rewards
and support, such as money for clothes, lessons, trips, etc.
Conversely, the scapegoat child is branded the black sheep. All problems of
the family, especially those of the mother, are supposedly because of her.
This one is placed low on the totem pole, in a dark corner to be spat upon
and cursed. Any achievement or positive attribute is squelched or ignored.
She is unattractive or even ugly, socially inept, academically stunted,
physically repulsive, and so on and so on. She is not worth investing any
support in at all.
Should there really be two children forced into taking up opposing
functions like this, they no doubt fight and compete. The golden girl has a
license to criticize the scapegoat, but the scapegoat child can never win a
battle or argument in this household. It is the scapegoat who likely will be
punished should friction between them get out of control.
The narcissist certainly does not want to accept that the child labeled the
scapegoat is right about anything; nor does she wish to find fault about
anything to do with the child given the golden role. Doing either would lead
to the narcissist to discover her own weaknesses and mistakes. She does not
want to recognize the achievements of the scapegoat child; in fact, that
child may be rewarded for failure (e.g., receiving hugs or gifts as signs of
love only when something goes wrong).
Indeed, she may be conceived of having something wrong with her, being
sick in some way. On the other hand, no recognition of any fault or problem
with the golden girl will be made. Her achievements are inflated and over-
compensated. She is a healthy one doing well, always. Therefore, the one
that is seen as the problem child probably will develop some medical issue
such as an eating disorder or depression. The neuroses of the opposite
figure are different—perhaps blossoming into a narcissist herself but
certainly having anxiety about living up to perfection. There could be other
bad habits such as deceit and manipulation so as to help the narcissist
mother keep up the façade.
Perhaps, the scapegoat child is the one with the greatest advantage, in the
end, however. That’s because neglect can drive her to become independent
while the smothered child may never be free of the mother’s domination,
idealization, and control. The latter will have less baggage than the former.
Fathers Who Enable the Narcissistic Mother
What about the narcissistic mother’s partner who is the father figure for the
daughter? How does he respond? What’s his parenting style in the face of
his narcissistic spouse?
Unfortunately, in most instances, chances are, he is an enabler. If not the
enabler, he probably shares the disorder or has taken off. Should he wish to
stick around, how? He would have to support the narcissism.
The father in this type of scenario may be dysfunctional if he too is
narcissistic. If he is not, however narcissistic, it is likely that he worships
his wife, no matter what, otherwise, the father who is physically present
plays along with the defensive narcissistic mom. Out of fear, he adopts the
position of the sidekick to echo and assist. He becomes passive and lets the
narcissism play out, despite the harm to the daughter, himself, and the
woman.
He may become the guy who does the dirty work of attacking the daughter
so that the mother can always appear correct, the enforcer deployed to
either keep the daughter subjugated to the mother or prevent rebellion. He
may rationalize the mother’s wrong words and actions. If his partner gets
angry, he follows suit or defends her with even greater rage. He may accuse
the daughter of being a problem, endeavoring to make her feel ashamed or
guilty, should she protest her treatment and desire her freedom and respect.
In most instances, the relationship between the narcissistic mother and the
father is one of co-dependency, not love. The father may be anxious about
maintaining the structure imposed by the mother and fear change or
instability, so he entrenches himself in the accepting attitude and sets
himself up as the prop onto which his leading star can lean.
Bloodsucking
The narcissistic woman, with her inflated sense of self and hypersensitivity
to problems and criticism, may thrive on drama. The ignoring narcissist
tends to make a big deal of the events in their lives and the effects on their
emotional state while paying no heed to or suppressing the daughter’s ups
and downs. This parent is not interested in the disappointments, joys and
exciting episodes of her own daughter’s life; rather she makes the most of
her own.
Everything is supposed to revolve around her. She may even dramatize the
experience of others—neighbors, other family members, co-workers or
business associates—so as to counter-pose them to her child’s experience
and try to make her child’s life seem smaller. The smothering mother may
tell the daughter she is just being a baby when the daughter mentions some
trouble or goes through a defeat or disappointment. She may use the
daughter’s experience to underline the necessity of the daughter remaining
under the wing of the engulfing mother, turning it into a justification for not
spreading her wings to venture outside of the relationship.
Narcissistic mothers are like a vampire because they prey on the suffering
of other people around them. She might display pleasure at passing on bad
news for her child. She may exaggerate the misfortunes of others and their
consequences and attach causes such as a person (here the child’s)
inabilities, unluckiness or deficiencies. Think of it—a miscarriage, a break-
up, a rejection from a study program—the mother blames the daughter for
these saddening and unfortunate events. This parent would most certainly
deny any responsibility were there any that lead to disappointment.
Even at a funeral, the narcissist wants to make herself the focus of attention.
She interprets what is happening as being related to her. For example, she
may imagine that she was specially invited to attend because of her
importance, not out of a duty to pay respect and express condolences. She
may go on about how drastically the death hit her, not the tragedy it may
mean for the deceased person and their loved ones.
Accusations that this woman is thriving on the tragedies of others would be
stymied. They would hit a brick wall. Well, denial is a hallmark of many
disorders, no?
 Chapter 5: The Signs That You Have a
Narcissistic Mother

I t is sometimes hard to know when we are dealing with a narcissist or not.

They are going to be found amongst us, but figuring out the difference
between someone who is maybe just a bit of a jerk, someone with a good
sense of confidence, and someone who is a narcissist can be difficult. There
are a number of symptoms and behaviors that you need to look for in order
to determine if you are dealing with someone who is a narcissist or not.
Some of the signs that you can watch out for include:

A sense of entitlement and superiority

When the narcissist looks at the world, they see that it is in black and white.
Everything is either good or bad, right or wrong, and there is no in-between.
With the narcissist, there is a hierarchy in the world, and the narcissist likes
to put themselves right at the top. This is really the only place where the
narcissist is going to feel like they are safe. The narcissists, at least in their
own minds, have to be the best, the most competent, and the most right.
Everything needs to be done their way, and they are the ones who have to
be in control.
What is interesting here is that often, the narcissist is able to get the superior
feeling that they want by being the worst out of the situation. They can be
the most injured, the most upset, and the most ill for some time. This is
done because it allows the narcissist to feel like they are entitled to receive
concern from others, and it even allows them to hurt or demand apologies
from others so that they can make things even.

A huge need for validation and attention

Narcissists are going to always need a lot of attention. They need it on a
constant basis. These are the people who will follow their victim around the
house, asking the other person to find things for them (even though they are
perfectly capable of doing it on their own), and saying anything that is
going to grab your attention. Even then, this doesn’t seem to be enough for
the narcissist.
When we look at the need for validation by the narcissist, it is like a funnel.
You can pour in a lot of supportive and positive words; it seems like they
just flow right through the narcissist and don’t stick. You can spend all day
telling the narcissist that you approve of them, admire them, and love them,
and it is never going to be enough for them. Moreover, this is because most
narcissists believe that deep down, no one can really love them. Despite
their bragging and grand behavior, the narcissist is going to be insecure, and
they have a big fear of not being able to measure up to others.

They need to be in control

Since narcissists are always going to be disappointed in the way that life
unfolds around them, they are going to do what they can to try and control
it, to see if they are able to mold it in some way to their liking
In the mind of the narcissist, there is going to be a story line about what
each character in a specific interaction should be doing and saying. Of
course, the real world doesn’t follow this story line. and when that happens,
the narcissist is going to feel upset about it. They will get mad and try to
control the situation to their own liking.

They like to blame and deflect

Even though the narcissist is going to insist that they are the ones who are
in control, they are never going to be responsible for any negative results. If
the results of their control are good, they will jump right in and expect all of
the praise and adoration that they think they deserve. However, if things
don’t fall into place or things don’t go according to the plan that they had,
then the narcissist will refuse to take the blame. There is always someone
else to blame for the situation, and the narcissist will take advantage of
this.
Sometimes the blame is going to be a bit more generalized. They may say
things like all students, all bosses, all police and so on. Alternatively, the
narcissist may pick one person to blame for the situation. However, you
may find that the narcissist is more likely to blame whoever is the most
emotionally close to them, the one who is the most loving, loyal, and
attached to them. In order to make sure that they always look perfect, the
narcissist will always be able to find someone else to blame for things that
go wrong.

Lack of boundaries
When it comes to knowing a narcissist, you may notice that they are not
able to accurately see where they end and where another person begins.
They think in a similar way to how a two-year-old would act, that
everything belongs to them, that everyone else must feel and think the same
way as they do, and that everyone, no matter who, wants the same things
that they do.
What comes next is a lot of insult and shock when the narcissist finds out
that someone is going to tell them no. If the narcissist wants to get
something from another person, they are going to go through great lengths
in order to figure out how to get it. They will use a lot of different
techniques, including pouting, rejecting, demanding, cajoling, and
persistence.

Lack of empathy
Narcissists are going to have very little ability when it comes to
empathizing with others. They are going to be very self-involved and
selfish, and they are going to run into trouble when it comes to an
understanding of the way that others are going to feel. They think that
everyone else is the same as them, and they don’t really take the time to
think about how others are going to feel. It is unlikely that you are going to
find one who is truly guilty, remorseful, or apologetic in any way.
However, on the other end of things, the narcissist is going to be really
attuned to any rejection, anger, and threat that they perceive from others. At
the same time, they are going to be pretty much blind to the feelings of
others around them. They can misread even the smallest of facial
expressions, and they are going to be biased to thinking that all facial
expressions are going to be negative. Moreover, unless you decide to act out
these emotions in a theatrical manner, it is impossible for the narcissist to
perceive what you are feeling.
Another issue that can come up is if your expressions and your words are
not congruent, then the narcissist will respond erroneously. This is why it is
common a narcissist is more likely to misinterpret sarcasm as an actual
agreement or joking as a personal attack. Their lack of ability to read body
language is one of the reasons that a narcissist is going to have trouble
being empathetic to your feelings. They aren’t going to see them, they
aren’t going to interpret the emotions right, and they pretty much assume
that everyone else thinks the same way that they do.
Another thing to consider is that narcissists are going to lack an
understanding of the nature of feelings. They don’t really understand how
or why feelings occur. They assume that feelings are going to happen
outside of them, rather than something that is internal. They think that you
are the one who causes their feelings, especially when it comes to the
negative ones. They assume that because you aren’t following along with
their plan, or because they are feeling vulnerable around you, that you are
the one to blame.

Emotional reasoning
It is likely that at some point, you have made the mistake of trying to use
logic and reason with a narcissist in the hopes of trying to get them to
understand the effect they are having on you. You think that if you talk
about this, they will understand the way that this behavior is hurting you
and that they will change. However, these kinds of explanations are not
going to make much sense at all to the narcissist, because they are really
only aware of their own feelings and thoughts. They may say that they
understand up and down, but they really don’t.
Because of this, narcissists are going to make decisions about how they feel
about something. For example, if they like the way that they feel when they
drive it, they will go out and have a red sports car. It doesn’t matter if it is
going to work in their budget or for their family.
Splitting
The personality of a narcissist is going to be split into both bad and good
parts, and they are going to split up the things in their relationships as well.
Any of the negative behaviors or thoughts that come up are going to be
blamed on either the victim or other people. The narcissist is going to deny
that they said any negative words, or did anything negative in terms of
actions, while still accusing and disapproving of their partner. When they
look back at things, they are going to remember them as either completely
good or really horrible. There isn’t a way for them to mix together these
two things.
For example, have you ever gone on a vacation with someone who said that
the whole thing was ruined because there was one bad day in terms of
weather, or the reservation for the hotel vacation didn’t meet their
expectations? A narcissist isn’t able to see, feel, or remember both the
negative and the positive that came in the situation. They are able to just
deal with one perspective at a time, and that perspective is going to be their
own.

Anxiety
Another thing that you are going to notice with a lot of narcissists is that
they are going to feel a lot of anxiety about what is going on in their lives.
Some narcissists are going to show their anxiety by talking all the time
about the doom that they think is about to happen, while there are others
who are more likely to hide and then repress their anxiety.
For the most part, you will notice that a narcissist is going to project their
anxiety onto the ones they love. They are willing to accuse the ones they
love of being mentally ill, being unsupportive, of being negative, of being
selfish, and of not responding to the needs of the narcissist. The reason that
they do this is because it transfers some of the anxiety to the loved one, in
the hopes that they, the narcissist, will not feel the pain at all. As the victim
starts to feel worse and worse, the narcissist is able to make themselves feel
better. In fact, this is a good way for the narcissist to start to feel stronger
and like they are the superior one in the situation.
Shame
It is uncommon for a narcissist to feel a lot of guilt, simply because they
think that they are the ones who are always right. Moreover, they don’t have
any idea that their behaviors are really having a negative effect on others.
However, a narcissist is indeed going to feel a lot of shame. Shame, in this
case, is going to be the belief that there is something either personally
wrong or bad about who you are. Moreover, the narcissist is not going to
like this at all.
Buried in a deep part of the narcissist, which they are going to repress quite
a bit, are a bunch of insecurities, rejected traits, and fears. Moreover, the
narcissist is going to keep these hidden so that others are not able to see
them, even the narcissist. It is common for the narcissist to reject these
feelings and thoughts because they are really ashamed of even feeling them
at all.

Trouble communicating at work or inability to work as part of a team

Thoughtful and cooperative behaviors are going to require each person to
understand the thoughts and feelings of another person. How is the other
person going to feel when you act or say a certain thing? Will this action be
one that is going to make you both happy? Is this action, or are these words
going to make a change in your relationship?
These are questions that a normal person is going to ask when it comes to
working with a team. But these are questions that a narcissist is going to
have no motivation or capacity to think about. You should never expect that
the narcissist is going to understand your feelings, they are not going to
give up anything, and they will not give in just for the benefit of someone
else. It will be useless to try.
Because of this, it is hard to work with a narcissist. They do not understand
how others feel, and they have no want to learn how to do this either. So
they are less likely to get along. They won’t give in, they won’t admit when
they are wrong, but they will certainly take all of the credit when things
start going well. They are really hard to work with and can make the whole
team feel frustrated.
As you can see, a lot of the traits that come with being a narcissist are going
to make it difficult for them to get along in society and do well. They are
not able to understand the way that normal people are going to think, and
they are much more interested in making sure that they are the ones who are
in charge, and that they are the ones that get what they need. This can make
it a challenge for them to get along well with others.
Then there could be an issue with parents who are too neglectful. This is
going to cause the child to overcompensate, hiding all of the negative things
that their parents didn’t like about them when they were younger, and just
trying to show off an image that is perfect to the world. Whether the neglect
was intentional or not didn’t matter, the individual may have learned how to
just showcase their positive attributes as a way to make themselves look
better and gain approval from the outside world.
Another cause that could bring out narcissism in an individual is if their
parent, one or both, were narcissists. They would have learned this kind of
behavior from their parent as they are growing up, and it is likely that they
are going to exhibit the same kinds of personality traits as well.
Many people also worry about the connected world that we have right now.
They worry that because the world is spending so much time on social
media and online, rather than getting out there and making real connections
with those around them, that narcissism is going to become a bigger
problem in the future. People spend so much time alone without the help or
interaction of others, and they spend so much time trying to show their best
side online that it is no wonder that many of them are going to struggle
when it comes to having narcissistic personality disorder.
Right now, many of the studies that have been done on this condition have
not found a ton of therapies and treatments to help with this condition.
Many times the narcissist doesn’t see a problem, so they don’t want to work
on making that problem any better. Right now, the most common treatments
to work with will be therapy, either group therapy or individual therapy.
If you have been around someone who has NPD and who is a narcissist,
you will notice that they are going to have very little care for others. They
are going to want to spend their time worrying about their own goals and
needs, rather than the goals and needs of others. They have no empathy for
others, and they assume that everyone else must feel and think in the same
manner that they do.
These people feed on constant praise. Whether they are at work, at school,
or in a relationship, they demand that the other person feeds into their need
for love and attention all of the time. Also, they often need to be the best,
the strongest, and the one who is the most right at all times.
When it comes to a relationship, this can be really harmful to the other
partner. In order to keep the partner in place and to stay in that relationship,
and to ensure that they are able to get a constant amount of love and
attention, the narcissist is going to work to put their partner down. They will
be the one in control, and the other person will feel like they have to depend
and rely on the narcissist at all times.
When it comes to working, the narcissist is able to take control as well.
They do well at being a boss because they do have a lot of the great
characteristics that come with being the leader. However, they are also
going to miss out on some of the ones that are needed as well. Narcissists
like to be in control, but they will often take credit for all of the good things
that happen in the business or with a project, even if they have nothing to
do with it.
It is not uncommon for a narcissist to be the reason that a company starts to
have some problems as well. The narcissist is not able to take any blame for
anything that happens in the company. And they can never admit when they
were the ones who were wrong. Because of this, they are going to keep
going with poor decisions, and blaming other people, rather than taking care
of the situation when it comes up.
Dealing with a narcissist can be hard. They refuse to admit when they are
the ones who are wrong, and their main goal is to make themselves look
good, and feed themselves a lot of attention and focus from others. And
since they don’t really understand the needs and wants of others, there
comes an even bigger challenge to talk with them, to work with them, and
many times being in a relationship, being related to them, and working with
them can feel like a major headache to a lot of people.
Why do some people become a narcissist?
There are a lot of theories out there when it comes to why someone may be
considered a narcissist. Many times those who are narcissistic turned out
that way because they had parents who are narcissistic. In some cases, the
child was neglected because the parents were busy, they got sick, or they
were so focused on themselves (if they were a narcissist) that they were not
able to pay attention to their child at all. But then there are times when the
parents may have been too overindulgent and not able to let the child fail, or
ever notice when something bad happened with that child. They only
focused on the good.
Either way, the child was either told that they were all bad and they hid
some of those bad traits about themselves, or they were all good, and they
just won’t admit that there are some negative traits that they should be
aware of. This can lead to the narcissist hiding the bad, and only focusing
on the good, exaggerating it to a point where they think that they are the
best person around.
When you meet with someone who is a narcissist, you will notice that their
levels of self-esteem are going to be inflated. They are going to be very
fragile because of this, usually because the flip side of this self-aggrandized
feeling leaves them with low self-esteem. So, because their self-esteem is so
low, no matter how much others are going to praise them and try to bring
them up, this person is going to react badly to any kind of criticism.
Being condescending is going to be another common dynamic that is found
in a narcissistic relationship. Often this is a behavior that is going to be
traced back to the need, a very desperate need, that narcissists have to be
liked, adored, and above others.
Are there different types of narcissism to watch out for?
While it is common for all narcissists to show certain types of behaviors,
you will realize quickly that not all of them are going to be the same. There
are actually two broad types of narcissism that are recognized in our world
today, including the vulnerable narcissism and the grandiose narcissism.
These are going to be two different types of the same problem, and they are
going to stem from different early childhood experiences and are going to
lead to some different behaviors in a relationship.
Let’s take a look at how each one is going to work. When you interact with
a grandiose narcissist, you will notice that they show off a lot of dominance,
aggression, and grandiosity. They are going to be less sensitive to what
others say and usually a lot more confident in the process as well. You may
find that these individuals are elitists, and they have no problem when it is
time to tell everyone how great they are.
These narcissists want to be treated in this superior manner because they
were treated that way as a child. And now that they are progressing through
life, they still expect to get this kind of treatment from others. When we
look at how this kind of behavior is going to influence a relationship, the
grandiose narcissist is more likely to be unfaithful, and even to leave the
other partner quickly if they feel that they are no longer getting that special
treatment that they have come to know and expect.
Then there are the vulnerable narcissists. These individuals are going to be
a bit more sensitive when we talk about emotions. They are going to have a
kind of fragile grandiosity, where their narcissism is going to serve as a type
of façade protecting some of their deeper feelings of incompetence and
inadequacy.
You may find that these narcissists are going to go back and forth between
feeling inferior and superior. They are going to feel like they are the victim
most of the time, and they will be anxious any time that they think they are
not getting the special treatment that they want.
When it comes to this kind of narcissism, it is going to show up early in
childhood, and it is a good way for the individual to deal with any of the
neglect and the abuse that they had to deal with on a regular basis. When
they are in a relationship, the narcissist is going to worry quite a bit about
how their partners will perceive them. In addition, this kind of narcissist is
going to be paranoid, jealous, and possessive about their partners and will
not want those partners to leave their sight because of these issues.
 Chapter 6: Treatment for Children
of Narcissistic Mothers

T here are links between narcissistic parenting and the symptoms of self-
blame and low self-esteem experienced and demonstrated by the
children who have suffered narcissistic parenting. In 2004, Guile, Mbekou,
and Lageix published the results of a clinical study of narcissistic youths
and youths who had narcissistic parents. They were particularly interested
in the responses of such parents and youths to therapy.
The study group consisted of 36 children from ages nine to 13. They were
all in therapeutic programs with parental counseling and psychodynamic
psychotherapy. They were assessed for narcissism and their attitude and use
of psychology and social services.
The study revealed that children and parents assessed with narcissism were
resistant to psychosocial services that offered treatment and support. They
were less likely to take advantage of such treatment and support precisely
because of narcissistic assumptions, biases, and emotionality. Child victims
of narcissistic parenting tend to blame themselves and feel inferior, while
the narcissistic child devalues other people, denies their issues, wants to
avoid feeling vulnerable, and lacks motivation.
The Relevance of Self-Help
When it comes to moving past the issues created by a narcissistic mother,
professional help is almost always recommended. Nevertheless, the
individual could begin some mental processes to check their own
problematic thoughts, emotions, and actions that arise from the effects of
incorrect parenting. The main thing is to recognize that the parent has a
mental health problem. Then she can identify some symptoms that the
parent exhibits and narrow down the possible disorders.
It may well be that the parent suffers from more than one and also signals
parallel conditions such as hypersexuality, anxiety issues, or substance
abuse. Committed to researching what might be the ailments, the child of
the narcissistic parent will come across narcissism and recognize it. Once
she does, she can identify some of the symptoms of narcissism, which
nurtures an understanding of the disorder.
There is no point in denial. Though a defense mechanism itself, denial
blocks the path to the processes of understanding and committing to change
the responses and the relationship. Neither is clinging to hope that the
parent will love and take responsibility. This false hope is self-defeating.
This admission and acceptance may make it easier for the affected daughter
to feel compassion for themselves and to gain comprehension of her own
feelings, behaviors, and ideas. She can start to relate them to negative
parenting. She can overcome anger at the parent for the lack of love when
she sees that the parent has a serious problem, which is the parent’s issue
and not theirs — seeing the associations can empower the person and
motivate them to seek assistance and make some changes. An important
thing to understand is the lack of empathy. Also, it should be understood
that this state of a person comes from a weak sense of self, lack of self-love
and over-sensitivity or defensiveness on the part of the parent. The child of
the narcissist may allow herself to detach from and reset the faulty
relationship with the parent.
It is likely that the daughter of such a parent will be depressed. It will be
important to recognize this and get treatment for depression. The person
should come to understand that it is a normal response to abuse and lack of
parental emotional nurturing. It is possible for the individual to understand,
get over it, and move on in life. There is no point in attempting to fix it, and
the past cannot be undone. As already stated above, the narcissist does not
like to be challenged.
If there is a second parent present, concentrate energies and efforts in that
direction. The child can be an enabler, assisting the second parent in
asserting themselves, rejecting narcissistic behavior, and helping the parent
to let go. The child can challenge the co-narcissist or narcissism enabler to
become aware of their role and the effects it has had on the offspring. She
can also stand up to and resist that parent’s defense and justification for the
narcissist. By winning him over to her side, a united front against the
harmful parent can be established.
Furthermore, it is helpful for the child of a narcissist to know and appreciate
the family roles and dynamics and her own place on the web. She can find
out whether she falls into a category of golden girl or scapegoat. It can help
foster understanding of the alienation from other family members and their
own clinginess or dejection. It can make someone see how they may be
serving narcissism or being manipulated and controlled by narcissism.
In addition, the person will have to draw boundaries. Aware of any
behaviors that amount to fueling narcissism or being subjugated by it, the
individual can begin to give up compliance and subservience. She can set
up her own rules. Most importantly, she can learn to admit and act on her
wants and feelings. She can adjust their identity and emotions. By this
point, the process of renegotiating the relationship and separating oneself
from narcissistic processes get hard. It takes quite a bit of time.
Understand your vulnerability and why narcissists may target someone.
Identify other narcissists and stay away from them. Remove the stingers
and needles they have assaulted you with. Do not let them contaminate and
infect you. There is no need to blame oneself for what the parent is
responsible for. Let go of blame and feel compassion for yourself and
circumstances. Do not punish yourself anymore. Do not keep dragging
yourself down. Get on with your own responsibility of living your own life
and living with respect and dignity.
At the same time, it is important to acknowledge one’s own feelings about
the narcissistic parent. Do not judge. It is okay to feel compassion for the
parent diagnosed with NPD. It is okay to reserve some love for that person.
There could be ways of supporting the person if they admit to a problem
and seek help. The child can be a catalyst for making treatment happen and
keeping it up.
Explore the family history and understand the processes that have occurred
and the roles and dynamics of the family led by a narcissist. Then, it is
healthy to let oneself feel the pain from the bad experiences and the lack of
nurturing. After that, gain some appreciation for signs of personal growth
and life accomplishments despite the poor parenting and lack of familial
support. The person should feel good about real assets and achievements.
Follow up that process by getting back out into the world on a quest to find
new relationships or make relationships more functional wherever possible
(probably not the relationship with the narcissist parent, but perhaps with
siblings, the other parent and other relatives, friends, business and work
associates). Overall, the efforts aimed at healing should be to arrive at a
firmer and more confident sense of the self.
Next is the business of setting the boundary. The woman should let the
mother know when she is intruding and violating her rights and duties as
the mother of an adult. She should assert herself and stand up to the
problem behavior that interferes and violates respect for her, no matter the
antics and retaliations exhibited by that mother.
The main purpose is not to change the relationship with the mother (or
narcissistic father); it is actually to change the relationship with the anxiety
associated with the mother-daughter dynamic and the bad feelings it
generates.

Therapy
Speaking of professional therapeutic options, the adult must first accept
there is a problem, then look back at childhood and accept the reality of it.
This takes abandoning fantasies about childhood. The person must be ready
and equipped to be responsible for making a change. They have to account
for the problem behavior and causal factors.
The five-stage therapeutic process of recovery includes the following. First
is recalling and discussing experiences as a child. The childhood events are
reconstrued in a more realistic way and the fantasies identified and rejected.
Next, the person will feel sad about losing the fantasy because a way of
thinking and behaving has been built around it. Also, the reality will no
doubt be disappointing and sad. The foreseen benefit, however, is that the
person no longer relies on hope based on the fantasies.
In the third phase, the narcissistic family and its symptoms and outcomes
are appreciated and recognized. Considering herself in the present, the
therapist and the client work together to sort out the positive thoughts,
feelings, and behaviors from the negative ones, deciding which to keep and
which to let go. The final stage necessary to pass through for recovery is
making the commitment to change. The aim is to become more socially
functional for success in areas of life, such as relationships, career,
household organization, and inner happiness.
To clarify the process of initiating and carrying through with the change, it
is necessary to articulate certain problematic behaviors that inhibit healthy
functioning, starting with assertiveness. Because of the immersion in the
life of a narcissistic family, the child growing up there may not know what
they think and feel. There may be long buried sentiments. It will then be
appropriate to learn communication skills especially to express feelings by
means of certain techniques. The client thereby becomes more aware of
what they think and feel and better skilled at conveying what they think and
want. Functioning improves because the person can learn to say aloud what
they prefer or expect or feel instead of walking away or getting angry.
Another area that needs work is by establishing boundaries. The offspring
of narcissistic parenting may be reluctant to draw boundaries (between
themselves and others, between their own likes and wants and those of
others) because they do not wish to disappoint. Setting boundaries enables
the person to take more control. Also, she learns to accept criticism and
make it through disapproval.

Tips for defining boundaries include:

1. You are able to express your needs to others, although you cannot
always get what you need from others.
2. How you feel is a reality. It is just what you feel and does not need to
be rationalized.
3. Asserting your thoughts and feelings does not have to be destructive
or hurtful. You can learn to articulate them effectively in an appropriate
way.
Different experts offer different interpretations and recommendations for
therapy and action to overcome the pain and correct poorly functioning
thoughts and behaviors stemming from the experience of surviving a
narcissistic parent. Most available treatments are for adults.
The chief issue with respect to therapy is self-worth and self-respect. This
devaluation of the self may even be a result of rejecting narcissistic
behavior and an effort to avoid behaving like a narcissistic person. They
counter the fear of developing narcissism by under-valuing themselves.
To improve self-esteem, the offspring of the narcissistic parent will have to
retrace the history of their childhood. The parents probably will not offer
any help. In fact, they could be a hindrance to the process by reconstructing
the past to suit them. Part of the reason is their own condition of coldness
and self-centeredness. That is precisely why intervention by a professional
therapist is vital.
The client will probably need to shed any belief that the narcissistic parent
has empathy and is interested in correcting things. She will not likely accept
the revised version of the past and the truth of the relationship with her.
Compassion for oneself and distance from the parenting is bound to aid the
person to recover. It is possible that big results can happen through
professional therapy for the person who has suffered under the shadow of a
narcissistic parent.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that focuses on
analyzing why a person feels the way they do based on the unique ways
they view specific scenarios. As a variety of mental health issues are based
on distorted ways of looking at the world, CBT is effective because it shows
patients the error of their thoughts.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy functions around a handful of core beliefs,
starting with the fact that thoughts lead directly to actions and can also
influence behaviors. This is usually represented on a diagram in a cycle. It
illustrates that if we can change one component of the cycle, then we can
change all three. It also shows how these things are all interconnected rather
than independent of each other.
The second concept is especially important as it relates to anxiety (even
though CBT can treat many forms of mental illness). Anxiety's non-stop
obsession with what can be makes us feel like we've lost control over our
lives and everything around us. However, that isn't the problem. The
problem is that it tries to make us take control of everything to protect
ourselves. CBT teaches us to accept what's beyond our control and to
recognize and hold on to what is. This is largely done through introspection.
CBT works on the assumption that thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are all
constantly interacting and influencing each other. Thus, the way a person
thinks or interprets a given situation will ultimately determine how they feel
about it and thus, how they will react to it.
For example, consider a pair of individuals who both recently failed to do
as well as they would like on a difficult and important test. The first person
thinks that if they were smarter, they would have done better on the test,
which must mean that they are stupid. They feel anxious about the idea of
future tests and depressed about their prospects for the class overall. As a
result, they develop a negative opinion of themselves while at the same time
not taking any positive actions when it comes to improving how they
prepare for future tests as they now believe that their lack of basic
intelligence is the root of the problem.
The other person, on the contrary, decides that the only reason they did
poorly on the test was that they didn’t study enough as they thought they
already knew the material. While this will lead to feelings of
disappointment in the short-term, it will also make it possible for them to
feel better about the next test they have. What’s more, it also leads to more
productive behavior in the future as they can more readily ensure that the
same thing doesn’t happen next time by studying more thoroughly in the
future.
What really distinguishes Cognitive Behavioural Therapy apart from the
other kinds of therapies is the fact that it is structured around completing
two separate, distinct tasks, which are Cognitive Restructuring and
Behavioral Activation.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy also places most of its focus on the present
by bringing out the way the patient feels in the moment rather than the
underlying reasons the patient might feel a specific way.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is also known for its focus on specific
problems the patient might be facing rather than the more general picture of
all issues or the patient’s overall mental state.
In either group or individual sessions of the CBT, problem thinking and
behavior will be identified first, then prioritized and then finally addressed
in order of necessity.
CBT is primarily education-based, which means that the therapist is going
to use structured learning experiences as a way for patients to learn to
monitor the negative thoughts and images that come into their minds. The
goal, then, is to recognize how these contradictory ideas affect the physical
condition and behavior and to understand how these things affect mood.
It is also important to note that CBT patients are generally expected to take
an active role in their therapy experience as well. This means they are going
to be regularly given homework assignments after each therapy session,
some of which will even be graded. These assignments will be reviewed at
the beginning of each session. During sessions, a wide variety of different
strategies are going to be used, including things like behavioral
experiments, guided discovery, imagery, role-playing, Socratic questioning,
and more. Despite this, CBT sessions are typically limited in nature, rarely
lasting more than four months.
While each of the exercises discussed in the following chapters is going to
be more effective for treating some issues than others, this doesn’t
necessarily mean you are going to find something to deal with your specific
issues here.
To determine if Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a good fit for you, there
are some questions you can ask yourself:
Do you prefer focusing on your current problems as opposed to those from
the past?
Do you believe that talking about your current troubles is more useful than
discussing childhood experiences?
Do you consider yourself to be primarily focused on achieving your goals
in as short of a period as possible?
Do you prefer therapy sessions where the therapist is active instead of just a
passive recipient?
Do you prefer structured therapy sessions over those that are open-ended?
Do you feel willing to put in effort on your own to support your therapy?
If you answered yes to a majority of these questions, then CBT is likely
going to be effective when it comes to helping you reach your goals. While
there are some exercises you will be able to successfully complete by
yourself; you will find that you are far more successful with the help of a
professional as opposed to going it alone. Additionally, if you are dealing
with any issues that may be life-threatening, it is recommended that you
seek professional help as soon as possible to ensure you don’t become a
danger to yourself and others.
Neurological Relief
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDRT)
Brain scans can show patients the condition of the hippocampus (short-term
memory bank at the rear of the brain). The hippocampus can be stimulated
to regrow, and EMDR is a great place to start. Eye Movement
Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDRT) is one proven
effective brain therapy. At least one research study indicates that the
hippocampus of PTSD patients can grow back as much as six percent by the
implementation of EMDR. This technique works on soothing the excessive
stimulation of the amygdala, the center of basic emotions such as fear.
EMDRT results tend to be visible fairly quickly with over 30 controlled
studies in the past decade finding that victims of a single trauma were able
to see measurable improvements after 270 minutes of treatment spread out
across three sessions. This efficacy is improved to 100 percent among
single-trauma cases and 70 percent in multi-trauma scenarios when
treatment is instead spread out over six sessions.
EMDRT works using a highly structured process that looks at not just the
present but the past and future ramifications of stressful and negative
memories as well. These steps are detailed below and should only be
performed by those trained explicitly in EMDRT as it can do more harm
than good when performed incorrectly.
EMDRT steps
1. Planning (Treatment and History): This step is relatively standard and
includes an evaluation and a detailed history of the issue in question. Unlike
some CBT variants, EMDRT is very interested in the client’s past,
specifically, distressing memories which are then tagged as targets of
reprocessing. EMDRT is typically focused primarily on the most significant
and most difficult experiences the client has been through as changing those
will then cause the most noticeable change overall.
2. Learn to relax: An essential aspect of EMDRT is staying calm
between sessions before learning to direct your eye movements yourself.
Because of this, therapists suggest and help practice various relaxation
techniques, including guided imagery before getting into actual EMDRT
techniques. Another particularly useful relaxation technique that can aid in
EMDRT is mindfulness meditation.
3. VOC Scale: The VOC scale, otherwise known as the Validity of
Cognition scale is what is used to calibrate a person who is going to be
using EMDRT for the first time. Initially, the patient will be asked to think
of a specific image that you can relate negatively to, before then doing the
same thing with a positive image instead. The patient will then be asked to
consider how completely they believe in the positive image, followed by
the negative image. They will then be asked to list any feelings that the
images might generate as well as their overall level of intensity. They will
finally be asked to link those sensations with various parts of the body, if
relevant.
4. Reprocessing: The reprocessing step of EMDRT focuses on retraining
the brain to experience positive emotions as opposed to the negative ones
that are currently associated with specific memories. As a part of this
exercise, the client will focus on trouble spots for about a minute at a time.
While doing so, they will also be asked to focus on something that will
cause them to look either left or right, as opposed to in the way that is
currently associated with the negative memory in question.
The nature of the added stimulus isn’t important; what is important is that it
remains in play long enough for the eye movement to be moved away from
the trouble spot. During each session, the patient’s eyes will be moved
further and further from the trouble spot, improving their reaction to it in
the process.
5. Improve beliefs: Once reprocessing has occurred a few times, the
next step will be for the patient to retain the new patterns by relating back to
the positive thoughts they generated earlier. This part of the process will
also include another round of the stimulus from the previous step to ensure
that future negative memories create the same mitigated response. During
this step, the patient must focus on each part of the new emotion, including
how it makes them feel both mentally and physically. After they have a firm
grasp on the emotion, they will then be instructed to think about it in
conjunction with the stimuli in question with enough conviction that the
two become interconnected in your mind.
Being mindful is a process of existing entirely at the moment using the
information your senses are providing you as an anchor to prevent you from
interacting with the thoughts that are racing through your head. The goal is
to notice thoughts without interacting with them, and it can make avoiding
negative thoughts before they lead to panic and anxiety easier than you may
have ever thought possible. It can be practiced anywhere at any time, all
you have to do is focus on breathing deeply and the physical sensations that
doing so creates throughout your body.
The Treatment of Children suffering from NPD
A psychiatrist should talk to the child to examine how they see themselves.
How much self-love and self-importance does she express? How is school
going? Are there friends? A variety of assessment tools could be
implemented. The doctor might decide to make use of forms such as
questionnaires, and there may be tests according to scales.
When the therapist is introduced, the attitude displayed, and manner of
interacting in response to the intervention is also looked at. There should be
a full physical examination to determine whether other causes are at play.
Ruling out physical causes, psychoanalytic inquiry seeks to find out
whether other disorders are presented. There could be depression, high
anxiety or a coinciding second personality disorder.
Once it is determined the child has NPD, the extent of the disorder is
measured. Is it mild, moderate, or severe? Is it based on moods only?
Finally, a plan for caring for the mental health of the child is sketched out.
Therapy may address recovery or, based on a diagnosis that the condition
and its situation are highly complex; the goal may be the management of
the disorder.
One kind or a range of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) may be applied.
This identifies problematic thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Most schools
of cognitive behavior therapy aim to stop these problems and eradicate or
alter them, though the mindfulness and acceptance strain of therapies may
aim at making the person aware of the negative inner processes and trying
to have the client reset their values. The latter approach wants the client to
under-value the negative personal experiences, assuming that they will
remain in the background, by placing more value on healthy goals. The
relationship to the negative experience is changed to redirect the person’s
life and help them function better.

Treating the Narcissistic Parent’s Inner Child

The narcissist has, in all likelihood, built up a fortress to protect internal
pain. The narcissist has her history with hurt and baggage, after all. She
creates defense mechanisms to keep from feeling vulnerable or needy. The
fear and vulnerability is the inner child.
There are a variety of emotions triggered by sensitivity the narcissist has
trouble feeling as they are viewed as threats that could open up the inner
pain. They are an aversion to ridicule, insecurity or lack of control, sensing
deficiency, lack of emotional nourishment, and abandonment. The narcissist
wants to prevent a release of their innermost true feelings and would prefer
to keep up the charade. A therapist would perceive the denial or lack of
insight about the person’s real feelings and experiences; the emotionality
would appear stymied or splintered. A big motivation is the covering up of
shame for what lies beneath. The person could respond to therapy and learn
self-compassion, understanding that it is okay to feel vulnerable. She could
be encouraged to let the innermost feelings surface if there are
accompanying tactics of self-soothing and a guiding, empathetic therapist.
This process can be successful if the therapist starts out by coaxing the
inner child to reveal itself and developing a bond with that inner child. The
therapist makes the therapeutic environment safe for the client. The
therapist could operate as a role model, suggesting alternative emotional
responses. A combination of psycho-education and role modeling can
manage to get the client to accept and take on adjusted parenting behaviors
and attitudes. This is done through a process of having the client re-parent
herself and her wounded insides. Even if the client does not confess to any
painful experiences, they could be led through the process anyway.
From there, a recovery plan could be constructed wherein the basic, best
parenting behaviors are identified in contrast with the non-functioning or
harmful parenting behaviors. Stine characterizes this process as being akin
to a treatment for addiction that needs to be mitigated and put aside. The
adult learns to abstain from negative behaviors, including behaviors that are
passive-aggressive responses, manipulating, blaming, entitling,
womanizing, yelling, exiting dramatically, and substance abuse.
The client learns awareness of the need for self-protection and the strategies
she uses to protect the inner child. Clients still get to protect themselves.
They learn healthier ways of maintaining the self and shielding themselves
from hurt and exposure. They learn healthier ways of responding to and
interacting with others. In short, they correct themselves by learning how to
care for themselves.
The therapist also has to take care of herself, because of the narcissist’s
tendencies to be abrasive, dependent and needy. Engagement with this type
of client can be especially frustrating and draining. The therapist has to
demand respect and maintain respect for the client but may need to take
breaks and manage her own health during the program of therapy.
 Chapter 7: Things Narcissistic Mothers Say for
Mental Manipulation and Control

T o keep you under control, your mother has used different techniques
that I’ll describe later. Your mother may not have used all of them, and
she may have used different techniques at the same time. Toxic mothers are
quite predictable and have very similar action patterns. However, they are
unique people, and not all use the same torture weapons. You’ll recognize
them as you read through them.
Reading the abuse techniques will bring you back to your childhood, to
painful moments. Please keep your notebook with you. Each technique you
read will take your memory to specific moments, stories that you may have
buried.
Bringing them to memory again will hurt you. However, please write them
down. Believe me, that the exercise of recognizing your pain, its origin, and
taking it out will help you. Doing this is going to get you emotional, and
will even bring out your emotional defensive behaviors like anger and great
sadness. I recommend you that if you live with someone, partner, children,
friends, share with them your healing process. You don’t want them to
worry about seeing you suffer.
But don’t worry. I won’t allow you to stay in pain. You’ll see later that
focusing on the pain leaves you chained to it. But to reach the part where
you can start to change and heal. First you need to recognize what it’s that
you have. You need to be aware of every symptom you have.
Let’s start seeing the abuse techniques that your mother has used to keep
you under her control. Let your tears sprout; you need to clean yourself
from pain.
Infantilizes
Infantilizing consists of underestimating physical and mental abilities,
which favors a loss of independence and autonomy. This form of abuse
translates into isolation and a diminution of the physical, cognitive,
functional, and emotional faculties.
Examples of infantilization can be the following:
• Give money constantly to the daughter, reinforcing the message that
the daughter can’t fend for herself. Logically, the daughter will never know
how to survive and seek a life of her own if the mother doesn’t let her.
• Approve or disapprove of your friendships; she decides who is good
or bad for you.
• Telling you what you should wear.
• Saying you're too young to get married, to leave home, etc. (even if
you're 40!)
• Write down how your mother infantilized you when you were
younger and how she does it now. Take your time, read the point again if
necessary. Go for a walk and let your memories come up.
Invalidation
Invalidating is rejecting, ignoring, ridiculing, mocking, judging or
diminishing someone's feelings. The toxic mother controls how we feel and
for how long we feel it. Does it sound familiar?
A child who is repeatedly invalidated, becomes a confused child and a toxic
mother constantly invalidates you.
When you’re invalidated as a child, and repeatedly told you are worthless,
when you’re older this is what you believe, and it’s very difficult to reverse
this feeling recorded in our being.
The invalidated, despised, humiliated, insulted child loses confidence in her
feelings. She loses the use of her emotional brain—and the emotional brain
is one of the necessary tools for survival.
Examples of invalidation that the toxic mother uses:
• Stop crying, or I'll hit you.
• I've done so much for you.
• You're not worth anything.
• Nobody is going to love you.
• Change your mood!
• Go screaming/crying somewhere else!
• What a bad character you have, nobody will want to be with you.
• You are already making a drama out of it.
• You don’t fight enough.
• You are not responsible enough.
• Your room is a disaster.
• You look like a freak (although that day you are wearing your best
clothes).
• You are very clumsy.
• I suppose you might be always wrong.
• You never listen.
• Get out.
• Shut up.
• Take it easy.
• It's already happened, it's not that bad.
• Don’t bother me.
• You're overreacting.
• You cry for nonsense.
• You could have done better.
• You only give me problems.
• It’s your fault
• Your examples. Write in your notebook examples of invalidation that
your mother has used with you.

Gas lighting, emotional suffocation

This is one of the most destructive emotional abuse strategies. It's used by
our toxic mothers to make us think we're sick in the head.
The toxic mother presents you with false information so that you doubt
yourself, and even your sanity. Your mother convinces you that your way of
seeing life is not true. So, if you've ever thought you are crazy, no, you're
not. It was your mother who made you believe it.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that consists of presenting
false information to make the victim doubt her memory, perception, or her
sanity.
The abusive mother may make you wonder:
Has it really happened?
What has my mother really done?
What has my mother said?
Did I hear her properly?
 Have I not understood something?
Wasn’t I listening when she told me?
Why do I always get confused?

Doesn’t respect your personal boundaries

Personal boundaries are rules or limits that a person creates to identify what
are the reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave
around them and how they’ll respond when someone steps on those limits.
They are rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or
won’t do or allow.
They’re constructed from a mixture of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past
experiences, and social learning.
Personal boundaries define you as an individual, delineating your likes and
dislikes, and establishing the distances that you allow others to approach
you. They include physical, mental, psychological, and spiritual limits,
which include beliefs, emotions, intuitions, and self-esteem.
Personal boundaries are healthy and necessary in a person's life.
As the daughter of a toxic mother, you’ve been raised to have no limits.
Nothing you own is yours, not even your body, certainly not your thoughts
and beliefs. You aren’t an individual person, separated from your mother;
you are an extension of her. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change when you're
older, and it goes on even if you're 60 years old.
Your mother doesn’t respect your physical, emotional, or psychological
boundaries. She reads your letters, emails, or asks you exceedingly personal
questions. You feel you have no privacy; she rummages in your closets,
mail. She sets your time without asking you if it suits you.
One of the problems you have as a daughter of a toxic mother is that you’ve
never been allowed to establish your own boundaries. Your mother has
done it for you.
The problem of growing this way is that when you reach adulthood, you
don’t change: you don’t know how to establish and enforce boundaries. So
anyone can come and set them up for you: a boss, a couple, even your own
children.
Let's see below the different types of boundaries that your mother breaks.

Physical Boundaries
The toxic mother violates your physical space. She thinks she has rights
over you, that's why she goes in while you're in the bathroom without
asking, or she gets into a private conversation without anyone inviting her.
If you move, she’ll have the right to enter your home when and however
she wants.
Mental Boundaries
Your mother invades your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. Toxic mothers
can’t tolerate disagreement. So every time you've tried to express your own
thoughts, she has reprimanded you, or worse, she’s acted with anger and left
you isolated, or ignored.
As a result, you’ve learned to live without expressing your own reality. Or
if you’ve been the rebel, the scapegoat who has always continued to give
her opinions despite knowing that you were going to be reprimanded, then
you’ve always been labeled as the bad one, the cause of all the dysfunction
and family problems.
The mental boundaries that your mother has imposed on you are the reason
why you need constant approval from those you think are stronger than you.
You doubt your thoughts and opinions. You need third parties to validate
them.
Emotional Boundaries
The toxic mother limits your ability to have and control your own feelings.
She is only motivated by her wishes, and the people around her are there
with the sole purpose of satisfying them.
The narcissistic mother tries to minimize the child's feelings if they are in
direct conflict with her own needs. The child will be told that “she really
doesn’t feel that” or that she will “get over it” or “stop being a baby”. She’ll
say or do anything that makes the child stop being so “dependent” because
that requires that she puts her children before her own needs.
This has caused you to have grown up feeling that you’re insignificant
(your mother has ignored your feelings), and very hurt knowing that your
mother has never cared about your true self. Moreover, worst of all, you’ve
believed that your mother's feelings come before your own.
Have you written down all the boundaries your mother has broken with
you? Write all the examples that come to your head. Make a list.
Remember, she’s broken not only the physical limits but also your
emotional and mental boundaries. To how many things couldn’t you say
no?
Do you recognize the consequences of all these lacks of boundaries in your
daily behaviors? Having not had intimacy, not having been able to express
yourself as you would have liked to because you had to do things her own
way, how did it make you feel? Write everything down, so that later you
can work on it.
Practices triangulation
Triangulation is a sadistic manipulation method used by a narcissistic
person to manipulate two people while creating a triangle with her in the
middle.
The triangulation in a dysfunctional family, with a toxic mother, basically
consists of the mother competing the brothers and sisters against each other.
This feeds envy, anger, and contempt, all highly corrosive emotions, to
confront the siblings. Divide and conquer is something this emotional
vampire understands.
The toxic mother is responsible for creating jealousy among siblings,
through the unfair treatment of one of them (the scapegoat, the hated
son/daughter or black sheep of the family) and of arbitrarily rewarding the
other, (the golden child, the favorite and loved one). The toxic mother also
triangulates through unfair comparisons created with the intention of
disuniting the siblings.
Undermines your achievements
The toxic mother won’t admit your achievements, except if she can attribute
them to herself. Your mother will never let you be the one who appears as
the one who does something right. She will attribute your success to her.
If the Sunday roast has gone well, it isn’t on your own merits, but because
you’ve used her recipe. If you get good grades, she’ll tell everyone because
it makes her look like a good mother. If she can’t take credit for your
achievements, she’ll ignore them or despise them.
If you’re going to be the center of an event, she won’t be there, she’ll be
late, or she’ll act as if it wasn’t something so important. Alternatively, she’ll
make comments like “your brother’s graduation was better.” Or she’ll try to
make you feel bad before your big moment starts.
Uses a permissive father
A narcissistic mother can’t act alone. She needs a permissive father. One
who ends up being submissive to her or loves her to bits.
Within a distorted family with a toxic mother, there is always a permissive
father. That father who actively or passively allows the mother to perpetuate
her emotional terrorist acts.
So, as the daughter of a toxic mother, you feel like an orphan. Not only
have you lacked an affectionate mother, but your father is also like he
hadn’t been present.
Practices projection
Projection is a dysfunctional tool that the toxic mother uses to put up with
her shortcomings and limitations. She projects in you what she is, or what
she’s jealous of in you. When a toxic mother accuses you of lying, of being
unstable, selfish, a bad person...she’s accusing you of what she is, she’s
projecting herself onto you.
To understand it better we’ll see what the projection is:
It is a defense mechanism by which the person attributes to other people
their defects, thoughts, and even their shortcomings. It’s a blame-shifting.
Your mother denies her own qualities and attributes them to you.
Projection can be divided into:
Neurotic projection is about perceiving others in ways that we
unconsciously consider criticizable in ourselves. It is when people attribute
feelings, attitudes, or motives, they find unacceptable in themselves, to
someone else.
It ignores her problem and attributes it to you. It gets rid of that internal
load and leaves it outside.

Deflection
Deflection is the art of psychologically and emotionally distracting a person
from changing the subject, and focusing the conversation elsewhere. Your
mother is the queen of deflection, she practices it so well, that when you’re
having a conversation with her, you probably end up scratching your head
because you don’t know what she’s talking about.
It’s a conversational control method. Clear, simple, and very effective.
Mothers with narcissistic personality disorder are artists of deflection. It’s
one of their favorite tactics to confuse your mind and make you doubt.
Intimidation. She generates fear.
Intimidation is an act that tries to generate fear in another person so that
they do whatever you want. Normally the person who resorts to these
tactics doesn’t usually use aggression and violence, at least not in an
obvious way because their main objective is to manipulate their victim
without damaging their image.
It’s easy to notice what the abusive person wants because her speech is
plagued by indirect threats, which are implicit in her words. She makes it
clear to her victim what the consequences of her actions would be and that
the responsibility is solely hers. For example, your mum can say: “it’s up to
you, but I’ve already told you that you won’t do it well”, “if you don’t do
this, I won’t buy you new pants.”
Blaming to make you feel guilty
Blaming a person is a form of psychological abuse. Some psychologists
define it as emotional manipulation.
People who blame know how to make you feel bad. They use guilt to
manipulate you to do what they want.
Guilt can be transmitted with words, tone of voice, or even a look. The
blamer likes to play dirty. To get away with what she wants, your mother
takes advantage of your desire to please her and be a good person.
If your mother is trying to make you feel guilty, part of her behavior may be
motivated by her own feelings of guilt that she’s not recognized or resolved.
Munchhausen. Syndrome by Proxy.
This actually isn’t an abuse technique, but a disorder that your toxic mother
can have. However, I’ve included it in this section because it’s a disorder
that consists of making children sick, which is a form of abuse.
Munchausen Syndrome by proxy is a disorder in which a person, usually
the caregiver or mother of the child, deliberately causes injury, illness, or
disorder to another person, usually the child. It’s a psychiatric disorder
registered in the DSM-V as Factitious, or artificial, disorder.
It’s a form of child abuse in which one of the parents causes in the child real
or apparent symptoms of a disease.
There are cases in which mothers with a narcissistic personality disorder
make their children sick to keep them under their power and thus obtain
their narcissistic supply. Sicking their children gratifies their psychological
needs for care and dependence.
The Silence Treatment
It is a set of behaviors that aim to ignore the other person. It’s a form of
covert psychological abuse. An attempt to control and vex others. It
constitutes a harmful and toxic behavior that can cause diverse and serious
effects in the other person.
Rejection
The toxic mother usually shows a rejection behavior towards the “bad
daughter” or scapegoat. She lets you know in a variety of ways, you aren’t
wanted.
Leaving aside a child's value or belittling their needs is one of the ways of
how emotional rejection can happen. Other examples of rejection may
include telling a child to leave, insulting him or telling him that he’s
worthless. The mother will always blame the family problems on the child
that becomes the scapegoat of the family.
Other examples of rejection from a mother to her children are:
Constant criticism.
Abuse.
Telling the child that he/she is ugly, or messing with his/her physical
appearance.
Shout or curse directed at the child.
Frequent disparagement and use of labels like “stupid” or “idiot.”
Constant degrading jokes.
Verbal humiliation
Constant teasing about the body type of the child.
Rejecting hugs and affectionate gestures.
Excluding the child from family activities.
Expressing regret about the child’s sex or even that he/she was not
born.
Expelling the child from the family.
Your own examples. What forms of rejection have you experienced?
In which ways has your mother made you feel like you were not
part of the family? Write on your notebook everything that comes to
your mind.
Exploitation and physical violence
Exploitation can be considered manipulation, as it is the act of using a
minor for personal advantage. A narcissistic mother takes advantage of her
children in different ways.
Giving a child responsibilities that are much greater than those of a child’s
age is exploitation. Using a child for profit is abusive and is also another act
of exploitation.
Although most mothers with narcissistic personality disorder are quite well
disguised, and their “tortures” aren’t visible for people outside the family,
there are some that use more easily detectable methods.
Some of the habitual acts of exploitation for a narcissistic mother are:
A child who becomes a “caretaker” of his mother.
Making the child feel she is expected to take care of the other younger
siblings.
Blaming a child for the bad behavior of the other siblings.
Giving unreasonable responsibilities to a child.
Encouraging participation in pornography.
Allowing her children to be sexually abused by partners or family members.

Perspecticide, brainwashing
One of the most dangerous manipulation techniques is to change the
victim's way of perceiving herself.
The word “perspecticide” has been used to refer to the brainwashing to
which prisoners of war were subjected, and its use is spreading in
psychology to refer to the brainwashing of a person abusing his/her victim.
The objective of the perspecticide is to achieve a total loss of identity in the
victim. The toxic mother doesn’t want you to think for yourself; she’ll try to
erase your identity.
Perspecticide always implies an abusive relationship, control and
manipulation, so that over time, the narcissistic person changes her victim’s
way of thinking.
Your narcissistic mother ends up defining your world. She defines what
love is for you, how you handle your relationships and even how you
should think or dress.
Some examples are:
Deciding how the victims should invest their time.
Obsessive control over everyday detail.
Change of self-concept. The narcissistic person makes sure to “steal” the
victim's self-concept, placing her own in its place. This way, the perception
of the victim changes, who begins to see herself with the eyes of the other
person.
The person with narcissistic personality disorder decides on her victim, how
she has to dress, what kind of work she takes, and how she has to behave.

Cognitive empathy
I know that you’ve always heard that narcissists don’t have empathy.
However, empathy can be good or bad.
According to the dictionary, empathy is defined as: ‘the ability to
understand and share the feelings of another.’
The definition doesn’t mention anything about experiencing compassion,
remorse, or humanity.
There are different types of empathy:
● Emotional empathy occurs when you feel the same pain of those around
you even if you are not experiencing pain. (You cry when your friend's dog
has died)
● Compassionate empathy: you understand a person's difficulties, but, as
you aren’t experiencing them, you can act and help to improve the situation.
● Cognitive empathy: you perceive and understand the emotions of another.
Cognitive empathy implies having a piece of more complete and accurate
knowledge about the contents of another person's mind, including how the
person feels. Cognitive empathy is more of a skill and you can train and
develop it. It’s a well-developed ability in skilled marketers and many
lawyers who use it to get what they want. Moreover, of course, it's a skill
that the narcissist excels at.

Compartmentalization
According to Wikipedia compartmentalization is “An unconscious
psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance or
mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person who has values,
cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. in conflict with each other.
Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to coexist, inhibiting
direct or explicit recognition and interaction between separate
compartmentalized ego states.”
In summary and applied to the narcissistic mother, she changes her entire
focus to a situation in question and suppresses the feelings that usually
accompany it (a popular example of compartmentalization is that of soldiers
on the battlefield who put aside any guilt associated with killing people
when they are in combat.)
Hoovering, she tries to suck you back
When your mother feels your distance from her, and she loses control over
you, she tries to suck you back into the cage. She doesn’t do it because she
is repentant, or because she loves you, but because she needs to control you
to inflate her ego.
Your mother will use your emotional weaknesses to bring you back. (She
blackmails you emotionally by making you feel bad so you come back). As
you will see later when you begin to see the aftermath that the abuse has left
you, you try to get apart from her, but at that moment she gives you
something good to attract you back. Manipulating you emotionally, she
creates a traumatic bond with you that keeps you close to her.
Victimization
When all the manipulation tactics we’ve seen fail, your mother resorts to
victimhood. She passes all the responsibility to you and resorts to emotional
blackmail, pretending to be the victim of the situation. She victimizes to the
point that you end up feeling bad for your behavior, when in fact you
haven’t done anything wrong.
Being “the victim” your mother, the abuser, generates a feeling of guilt in
you that keeps you trapped in her net.
The empathy that characterizes you makes you fall into her trap and, by
becoming the “bad guy” of the movie, you’re more inclined to give in to her
demands—this way she manipulates you without you being aware of it.
Revenge or harassment
If your toxic mother can’t change you or make you return with her, then
she’ll change how others see you. Revenge. It looks like it, and it is.
The abuser can’t bear to be abandoned, and that's when she loses her mind
and tries to torment you.
She’ll try to attack you socially, morally, and physically. Any way to hurt
you is valid. Her ego is so hurt that she only seeks revenge.
When you separate from your mother because you see everything she’s
done to you, you expect her to react and somehow show some tenderness,
some maternal instinct. Nothing could be further away from the truth. Like
any other person with a narcissistic personality disorder, when you leave
her, she’ll try to hurt you as much as she can.
 Chapter 8: Protection Tips

M any people think that schizophrenia, stress, anxiety, and depression

are the only kinds of mental health problems, but the list is a lot
longer. Eating disorders, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder
are all mental health problems.
Personality disorders are just a subcategory of mental health problems.
People who have these disorders have unhealthy thinking and thought
patterns. They will have behavioral problems, too. These thinking patterns
are very rigid, and it takes much therapy to change and challenge these
patterns with time. Many people who have this disorder will have problems
perceiving and relating to situations and people.
Causes of NPD
Nobody really knows what causes NPD. It isn’t easy to ask what causes
mental health problems like depression. Some people are more susceptible
than others. With NPD, some have it while others don’t. Some will have a
little; others will have an extreme case. It is a mystery, but studies suggest
that the following problems might be some risk factors that can cause NPD
later in life:
• Unrealistic expectations.
• Hereditary problems like oversensitivity and genes.
• Trauma early in life.
• Negative experiences in childhood like poor parenting or abuse.
• Experienced a lot of criticism.
• Psychological problems.
Narcissists are made. They aren’t born that way. While genes do play a part,
it is thought that experiences have more influence on developing NPD. It
won’t happen overnight but can happen at any age. It mostly happens
during childhood because of poor parenting like over praising, over-
pampering, being insensitive or from negative experiences.
Diagnostic Criteria
Diagnosis of narcissism is hard, and since most people who have this
problem don’t look for help, most doctors don’t have a lot of experience in
diagnosing the condition. Most doctors will refer the person to a mental
health professional. In order for them to be diagnosed properly with NPD,
they will have to meet five or more of the following:
• Being arrogant regularly.
• Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
• Believing others are jealous of them.
• Needing excessive admiration and compliments.
• Being jealous of others.
• Extreme sense of entitlement.
• Lack of empathy.
• Exploits and takes advantage of others.
Thoughts and Actions of Narcissists
Trying to get into a narcissist’s mind is hard to do. Everyone acts and thinks
differently, and each person is unique in the way they react and approach
situations. A narcissist has a set behavioral pattern, and this makes them
stand out. While there might be some anomalies in place since everybody is
different, there are two examples:
• Using Covert or Overt Methods
For a narcissist to manipulate a situation or person so their needs are met,
they might use methods that are described as either overt or covert. Overt is
very obvious, where covert methods are very secretive and slide under the
radar. Covert methods are very destructive to others, and this is why people
who are in a relationship with a narcissist have problems leaving. They
begin to questions whether it is them or me. A classic method is gaslighting.
A normal narcissist will always use overt methods. A vulnerable narcissist
is going to use covert methods. A malignant or toxic narcissist is going to
use a mixture of both.
• Cerebral or Somatic Approach
This is talking about the way a narcissist appreciates themselves and things.
A narcissist who uses somatic methods will be totally taken with how they
look, their general appearance, and their body. They are extremely vain.
The cerebral method is using their brain, and seeming to be very intelligent.
This narcissist will take great lengths to convince others that their opinion is
needed and the only one that matters.
It is important to identify the type of narcissist that you are dealing with.
While it could be hard to pinpoint exactly, you should be able to identify the
dangerous type. A malignant or toxic narcissist won’t have any problem
hurting other people and won’t show any remorse. This narcissist damages
everybody around them. Anybody who is lucky enough to get out of a
relationship with this type of narcissist is going to need a lot of emotional
support or therapy after.
You may be reading this and wondering how anybody can’t see there are
things wrong with how they are thinking and acting. This is exactly how
NPD works. You have to remember that narcissism is a personality
disorder, and this creates a warped way of thinking. Narcissists will
completely 100 percent think that you are wrong, and you should see their
uniqueness. You shouldn’t argue with them since they are always right.
They will never look at themselves and think that they might be wrong.
They might think that they would have handled the situation differently and
better. True narcissists don’t see a problem with how they act or think.
When dealing with a malignant or toxic narcissist, these people don’t see a
problem with hurting others for their own gain.
Why A Narcissist Won’t Get Treated
Many narcissists won’t realize that there is a problem. If somebody tells
them they should seek help since they are showing narcissistic behaviors,
they will laugh or turn it around on you.
This isn’t true for everybody. If a person has a mild form of narcissism,
there could be an “aha” moment where they might think: “hey, I wonder if
this applies to me?” when they are reading about narcissism or if somebody
points out they are showing narcissistic behaviors. This is extremely rare
and it is unlikely that a vulnerable or classic narcissist will ever seek help.
Will they get help? With some, they will but only after they have self-
destructed or hurt someone close to them very badly. If a moment pushes
them to a point, it might be that medical help might be accepted. In spite of
all that, it is still unlikely, and it is a very sad fact.
Will Treatment Help?
There are various treatments for narcissism, but many centers around
challenging thought patterns and behavioral changes. In extreme cases, it
might be recommended that they are hospitalized, especially for extreme
narcissists who have become very self-destructive.
The biggest problem is that treatment centers focus around solving the
incident instead of solving the condition.
Can treatment help? It could, if they seek help, but it will take a lot of
commitment and effort on the narcissist’s part. Treatment isn’t easy, and
this goes for any type of problem that requires challenging thoughts and
mindsets along with cognitive behavioral therapy. This treatment method
won’t be successful overnight and is going to require a long time along with
maintenance treatment after that.
Personality Disorders Like Narcissism
Many mental health problems and personality disorders are linked together
in some way. A person that suffers from depression could also have anxiety.
A person who has stress could also suffer from anxiety. A person who has
been diagnosed with bipolar disorder might have narcissistic behaviors. A
person who has been diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder
might have NPD, too.
In spite of all of that, there are three personality disorder that link closely to
NPD:
• Histrionic personality disorder
• Antisocial personality disorder
• Borderline personality disorder
A healthcare professional can assess if a certain type of disorder is there,
but talking someone into seeking help is hard, especially if they have
narcissism.
Dealing with the Abuser
Now that you have decided to cut ties with your narcissist, you might be
wondering if it is fine to remain friends with this person? In specific cases,
it could be impossible to totally shut the door on your abuser even if you
want to. Immediate family, friends, and coworkers that you have to see
constantly will have a presence in your life.
Can you still be nice to them? The answer is no and yes. First, nobody
expects you to “clean things up” with your abuser. If you feel that
remaining civil would work best, them it could work out. While we are on
the topic of being civil, is it possible to be civil to a narcissist. It is
questionable if they can understand or adapt to that.
Resuming a relationship after a fight with a narcissist will take repentance
and an apology from the offender, and, remember that a narcissist won’t
ever take the blame for anything, even if you know they did it. Without
apologizing, the narcissist won’t even think about being civil.
What does this mean for you? Simply that trying to have a “civil”
relationship may be one-sided. Unfortunately, your abuser might take this
opportunity to embarrass you if you try to initiate contact.
You could try to reach out and talk about the upcoming family reunion, but
they might totally ignore or dismiss you once you begin talking. This is
something they might do if there are other people around that see they are
treating you with hatred.
Seeing as the narcissist has a pristine image with the other people who are
around you, the people that see you being treated negatively will take the
narcissist’s side, that is if you did something wrong.
In many cases, the best thing to do after ending a relationship of any kind
with a narcissist is to avoid them completely. Ignoring and treating them
like a non-entity could be more beneficial for your emotional and mental
healing. This will keep you from being drawn back into their trap. It also
makes sure your abuse won’t be able to exploit you.
Is it going to be easy? No. Most narcissistic abuse victims say the urge to
reach out and talk or to ask forgiveness could pop up at any moment while
you are healing from the abuse. This might even happen years after you
have left the relationship.
Even though it may be hard, it isn’t impossible. Try the following strategies
to help you heal and strengthen your resolve to keep your distance from the
abuser:
• Get Rid of All Communication
Block. Unfriend. Unfollow. This may sound harsh, but in this digital age, it
is the worst thing you could do to somebody who is on social media. You
also have to cut all ties that you have, or they could try to reach you in other
ways to try and rekindle the relationship.
What if I really have to speak with them? Don’t allow this thought to drive
you to open ways of communication. What is important right now is you.
You have to keep your focus on recovering. Make sure not to leave any
windows or doors open and don’t allow any opportunities to let your
internal mechanism push you into a conversation.
• Don’t Update Your Life on Social Media
Nowadays, it’s easy to find information on anybody’s current activities and
preoccupations. They don’t call it the internet superhighway for no reason.
The bad news is this could make it easier to keep checking on your abuser
by getting tidbits of information on their life.
The biggest problem with stalking them online is it could spark flames. One
flame is longing: the more you look at their updates and photos, the more
you want to be back in their lives. The other flame is sadness: you see their
life is going on without you, and the fact they aren’t seemingly affected by
your absence could injure your self-worth.
You need to remember that narcissists are masters of disguise. They are
great at pretending. Your absence might have caused them some distress;
they will make sure not to show you this. They are expecting you to look at
their life. They have made sure to have images ready to hit you with.
• Think about the Truth
Even if you know you are right, you have a tendency to give other people
the benefit of the doubt. This is just how reasonable people are. Even if you
are dealing with an abuser, victims need to look at other angles. They might
be hurting as well. They might have low self-esteem. They might be
troubled.
Nobody other than you deserves your kindness and compassion. Narcissists
aren’t troubled people. They don’t want to be fixed. They aren’t acting out
of trauma. This is the problem with narcissism. They don’t “deserve” the
compassion that most of us give to others.
Narcissists think they are better than others because they were brought up to
believe they are. They fight to control everybody in their lives since they
feel like they are entitled to power. They often think: “I am better than you,
therefore you should listen to me so you can somehow achieve the same
greatness.” It is a completely toxic mentality.
Don’t try to make sense of why they are acting the way they do. Try to
think about the truth behind the actions. Yes, it is going to hurt at the
beginning to see the behavior for what it really is, but make your mind see
the truth, and it will be easier to keep your distance when they lose their
luster and take on their true form in your mind.
• Stay Preoccupied
There isn’t any strategy that is more effective that just keeping your abuser
out of your mind. Your focus needs to be on you so do things that show
yourself that you love yourself. When you constantly think about the
painful abuse, it can be very negative if done to excess.
Take yourself out on a date, find a new hobby, and buy yourself something
new. It will be better if you can find something you enjoy without needing
anyone else’s company. The more you can show yourself love, the faster
you will find your self-worth. When that is in place, it will be easier to see
the abuser for what they really are. This lets you detach yourself from your
abuser further.
 Chapter 9: Separating From
a Narcissistic Mother

T rying to handle an extreme and unhealthy narcissist mother isn’t easy,

whether you decide to stay in their lives or walk away.
If you make the decision to walk away and cut ties, the way you handle this
move is important to consider. If your narcissist mother isn’t abusive, being
considerate and empathetic will make sure you can leave feeling good about
your decision. Just keep in mind that narcissist mothers can’t empathize at
times, and this is because of heightened sensitivity. If you can let them
down easy without exposing or confronting them, this might be the best
thing to keep their self-esteem from suffering a massive blow. If abuse is
present in the relationship, you have to cut the relationship quickly or in a
safe way that is expedient for you.
If your Narcissist Mother Returns
Just like any person who has been involved in a relationship, your narcissist
mother will probably try to contact you. They could be suspicious, angry, or
hurt about why you aren’t in their lives anymore depending on them and the
relationship. This is understandable.
If you decided to quit talking to your parent since their actions were
damaging to your well-being, their parental love isn’t going to just
disappear. Some people claim that narcissists don’t love, but this really isn’t
the case. They just can’t show or express their love in front of other people.
Some narcissists mothers find they have loving feelings emerge when they
aren’t around their narcissistic supply.
They could contact you in a human manner that is caring, to gloat, or in an
attempt to get you back or get something from you. Every situation, just
like every individu,al, will be different. If at all possible, to respond to these
attempted contacts, please remember to have empathy, but deliver it in a
way that doesn’t invite doubt, questions, or hope. Stand by what you know
is best and be firm instead of being open to the things they might offer you.
If you left a relationship you had with an emotionally abusive narcissist,
you might find they will get in touch with you in the future. It is advisable
that you refuse contact instead of trying to reason or discuss things with
them. No good will ever come from these interactions, just more harm. If
they continue to contact you, and get angry, abusive, or emotional, not
reacting might force them to get control of themselves and move on.
If you have taken some distance from a family member who isn’t abusive
but has unhealthy narcissistic tendencies, you might take an opportunity to
have a conversation. This doesn’t mean you will be opening yourself up for
danger but means you are trying to be present in their lives as long as they
can behave themselves. If they still can’t behave, you might have to figure
out if you want to increase distance or continue the relationship.
No Contact
Having no contact doesn’t mean it is temporary. It means leaving for good
and not looking back, ever. Many people don’t like the term no contact
since it can easily be misconstrued as just temporarily not having
communication. The bad news is narcissists are like tumors that are
cancerous. They have to be removed entirely and swiftly from our lives. If
this tumor isn’t removed quickly, it could spread or grow into different
organs. There are times when we have to cut all ties forever. This no contact
phase is like rehab for the victims of narcissistic abuse. You have to have
complete isolation to cleanse yourself of the narcissistic energy.
Saying goodbye is having the ability to completely let go of this toxic
individual without having second thoughts or guilt. You don’t have to
follow them on social media, be their friend, or check in on them. Severing
all ties is the only way you can move forward after being in a relationship
with a narcissist mother. Having a relationship with narcissists mothers is
an addiction that has been confused with love. When you are in rehab, you
have to make sure you have complete isolation from all drugs to get back
control of your live. It is essential to have a support system with family and
friends.
If you have had a relationship with a narcissist mother and burned bridges
with friends and family, finding an online or offline abuse recovery support
group will work wonders. If your insurance covers behavioral health, you
need to make an appointment with a psychologist as quickly as you can
after the relationship has ended. Therapy will help you with self-esteem and
find the reasons why you let them abuse you. Addressing these issues is the
only way to resolve them completely. Look at it as an investment in you
psychological portfolio.
 Chapter 10: How to HEAL from ABUSE!

H ealing from Experience with a Narcissist

You know what narcissism is and you know how to deal with it. The
next step is making sure that you have what is needed to truly heal from the
experience. This is a process, and no one expects you to just forget the issue
never happened. Working on yourself and putting yourself first is what will
allow you to get over the negative consequences of your experience
Personal Self-Esteem

When someone has low self-esteem, they are more vulnerable to narcissists
and other people and situations that are largely negative. In fact, narcissists
look for those with low self-esteem because they know that it will make it
easier to get them into their web. When you have good self-esteem, you
have a healthy level of self-respect and confidence in your abilities and
worth. When self-esteem is low, someone is more likely to tolerate abusive
situations, not live up to their potential and become depressed.
When you have high self-esteem, you:
• Feel accepted and valued by others.
• Respect and accept yourself even when you are making mistakes.
• Recognize your positive qualities.
• Think positively concerning yourself.
• Feel worthy of being given respect and fairness by others.
• Believe in yourself and do not allow setbacks or failure stop you from
pursuing your goals.
• Take pride in what you do.
Low self-esteem is characterized by:
• Putting more focus on your failures instead of your accomplishments.
• Feeling inferior or insecure.
• Feeling that others will automatically not accept you.
• Thinking negatively about yourself.
• Being very hard on yourself when it is not warranted.
• Feeling like you do not deserve good things because you think you are
defective in some way.
• Doubting your ability to be successful.
Self-esteem is a part of everything that you do in life. It affects your
performance at school, work and in your relationships. Low self-esteem can
also stop you from living a full life since it is characterized by fear of trying
new things or testing your limits.
Where Self-Esteem Comes From
Self-esteem ultimately comes from within. However, there are a number of
factors that can influence it. The people around you play a role in how you
see yourself. This is especially true when it comes to those close to you and
those you respect. For example, if a parent is constantly critical of a child,
this can damage the child’s self-esteem. On the other hand, when a parent is
very supportive, it helps someone to see their own value which leads to
healthy self-esteem.
Every person has that inner voice that essentially tells them what to think of
themselves. For some, this inner voice can be highly negative and critical.
When this happens, it is easy to believe the voice and feel as though you are
inferior. It is common to have negative feelings, but when you allow them
to dominate, you eventually start believing them. It is important to listen to
negative inner feelings, but then put them into perspective. For example,
you did poorly on a test, so naturally, this is upsetting. If your inner voice
tells you that you are a failure and you listen to it and do not question it,
you will start to believe this, resulting in lower self-esteem.
Comparing yourself to other people is another influencer on your self-
esteem. It is fine to evaluate those around you, but do not allow this to
overshadow your strengths. Taking inventory of your weaknesses and
strengths and focusing on what you are good at can help prevent the
strengths of those around you from negatively impacting how you view
yourself.
Other factors that can alter your self-esteem include:
• How people react to you.
• Illness, injury, and disability.
• Status and role in society.
• Your personal life experiences.
• Age.
• Media messages.
The media is a major influencer. For example, you see all of these
seemingly perfect people in magazines and on television. It is natural for
people to compare themselves and believe that what they are seeing is what
they need to be. This can be especially damaging to younger children and
those who already have low self-esteem. It is important to remember that
every person is unique and there is no right way to look.
Improving Your Self-Esteem
The good news is that if you have low self-esteem, this does not have to
remain so. There are ways to boost it and alleviate the negative thoughts
and feelings from dominating your view of yourself. To get started, work on
developing life skills that contribute to how you see yourself and the world
around you. These include:
• Do not be afraid to identify and experience your feelings. When you
push feelings down and try to ignore them, they will eventually come to the
surface.
• Do not be afraid to detach yourself from negative situations and
people.
• Be receptive to those around you and empathize with people.
• Think optionally and not in black and white. This allows you to solve
problems better and learn new things.
• Be assertive when it is needed. Do not allow others to dictate the
direction of your life.
Focus on the good things in your life and what you are good at. Low self-
esteem can make it seem like you are not good enough at anything.
However, when you reflect on the good, it makes it easier to remember that
it does exist on days when you are feeling down.
Make a learning opportunity out of every mistake. Every person fails and
makes mistakes. This is part of life. However, do not dwell on these and the
negative consequences that might come with them. Spend an hour being
upset because it is important to experience your emotions. However, after
an hour, go into action mode and consider why the mistake or failure
occurred. You will always be able to find at least one lesson. This lesson
reduces the risk of mistakes and failure in the future.
Know that perfection is simply not possible. What is important is that you
are putting in the effort and working to learn and get better. No person is
born automatically being great at everything. Life is all about learning and
working on developing the skills needed to achieve your goals.
Remember that every person has their own strengths. Imagine a world
where every person is just good at everything. There would be no healthy
competition, no learning, and no balance. Know your strengths and respect
the strengths of others.
Know what you cannot change. For example, if you are short, you are short.
You cannot change this. Once you accept what cannot be changed, you can
start putting your focus on the areas of your life that can be improved.
Do not be afraid to try. You never know what you are good at until you test
your limits. Have you always wanted to play soccer, but were afraid you
were not good enough? Get a game going with friends or join a local team.
You may be great, or you may not. Either way, you tried it, and every new
thing you try expands your horizons.
Give yourself credit when you deserve it. When you do something great, be
proud of yourself. It is easy to put more focus on flaws because this is just
what humans do. However, when you switch your focus to the good stuff,
your self-esteem will get a boost.
How to Heal from Narcissism in Your Life
Dealing with a narcissist in your life can be damaging, and it allows for a
flood of negativity in your life. Once the narcissist is gone, the issues you
faced do not just disappear with them. You have to take the time to heal,
and this can take some time. Give yourself time and be patient with
yourself. There are stages that you go through during the healing process.
Learning more about these allow you to ensure that you are doing
everything needed to truly heal.
During the first stage, denial is common. You do not want to believe that
the narcissist in your life is a toxic person. You may make excuses for their
behavior and not want to admit that they are not healthy for you. Start
writing down your thoughts concerning their treatment of you. Every few
days, look back at what you wrote. This allows you to identify the pattern.
The second stage involves getting to know more about narcissism. This
allows you to see what they do, and it allows you to realize that they are not
capable of empathy and healthy relationships. This is a hard lesson to learn,
but it is imperative for you to heal.
The third stage starts the separation process. Write a letter telling the
narcissist in your life that you are walking away. Be detailed about why you
are walking away. Now, you will not send the letter. This is for you to find
some closure as you end the relationship.
For stage four, you cut the person from your life. Once you say “goodbye”
you have to remain strong. Cut off all contact and do not give into them no
matter what. It is common for a narcissist to try and manipulate you back
into their life. You should consider a clean break. This means that you just
cut off contact and never go back. Since this requires taking your attention
away from them, expect them to try and contact you. They can be very
persistent. Just make sure that you never respond.
Stage five involves taking a deep look at why you started a relationship
with them in the first place. What was it about the narcissist that made you
want them in your life? This can help you to prevent a future experience
with a narcissist. It also lets you reflect and determine if your reasons for a
relationship with them are things you need to work on. For example, was
your self-esteem low when you started spending time with them? If so,
improving your self-esteem can prevent a future narcissist experience.
The sixth stage is all about you. You want to evaluate your weaknesses and
your self-worth. Find places that need improvement and dedicate yourself
to working on them. After having a narcissist in your life, it is common to
be in a negative place. Take small steps to essentially recover from your
experience. Every person gets through their steps in their own time. Do not
rush and do not get discouraged if you are going through the motions
slowly. Every day is another day without narcissism in your life.
The seventh and final stage is accepting that the situation happened and
committing yourself to learning from it. Use the pain and negativity that the
narcissist caused in your life to be stronger and to drive you to put the focus
on self-care. You do not need anyone in your life that contributes anything
negative. Remember this. You are valuable and worthy. You also want to
truly forgive yourself.
How to Handle Future Narcissism in Your Life
This ultimately comes down to knowing your worth and putting up your
boundaries with any narcissist you might meet in the future. With improved
self-esteem and knowing how to approach those who are narcissistic, you
can better avoid falling into their web and having your life filled with their
negativity.
First and foremost, make a pact with yourself that you will never allow
another narcissist to take control of you. You are valuable, and your worth
is determined by you and not them. They can quickly worm their way into
your life because they are charming. It is easy not to believe a narcissist is a
narcissist at first. They can be initially nice, or at least seem that way based
on their actions and their desire to control and manipulate you.
Consider your past experience with a narcissist. Do you remember how the
relationship began? Look for similar patterns with any new person in your
life whom you think might be a narcissist. Remembering history is one of
the best ways to prevent issues from your past from repeating themselves. It
can be hard to spot the signs at first, so be diligent and do not discount your
feelings if you think another narcissist has entered your life.
Go to your support system and people you trust. Ask their opinion about the
person you think might be a narcissist. In many cases, when you are getting
close to someone, it can be difficult to see their flaws. However, your close
friends and family are on the outside looking it and can pick up on issues
faster and easier than you can. Just remember that if their opinions are
negative, do not get defensive. They care about you and want to ensure that
you are surrounded by good people.
Practice regular self-care. When you are taking care of yourself and putting
yourself first, you are less vulnerable to the charms and manipulations of a
narcissist. There are numerous ways to practice self-care. You can choose
one or several methods depending on your needs and what you want. The
following are common self-care methods to consider:
• Make your schedule simpler so that you can put more focus on the
activities that make you happy and alleviate your stress.
• Take a warm bath, and use this time to read a book, listen to your
favorite songs, or just kick back. Make sure the atmosphere is relaxing and
that this is time just for you. Turn off your phone and eliminate any
distractions.
• Get some physical activity since this will help to boost your physical,
mental, and emotional health. It is a good way to blow off some steam. Any
type of physical activity that you enjoy will provide you with benefits.
• Create a list of what you are grateful for. A narcissist can take away
your joy, so sometimes you need to remind yourself of the things in your
life that are great.
• Find a mentor that can aid you in getting to know yourself and guide
you through difficult times. This can be a religious leader, a therapist, or
any person in this realm.
• Take a day to unplug from everything. Turn off all electronics and go
back to a simpler time. Take a walk or a nap, enjoy favorite foods, play
games with friends, or anything else that does not require electronics.
• Try something new. Have you been wanting to start painting or write
a book? Is there a type of cuisine you have not tried before? As long as it is
something new to you, do it. This gets you out of your comfort zone and
expands your horizons.
• Go dancing. Just like physical activity, dancing can alleviate stress,
and it contributes to greater well-being. Hit a club with friends or crank up
some tunes in your living room and dance it out.
• Get out in nature. Nature indeed has a way to make you feel calmer
and more relaxed. It is also quiet and allows you to engage in self-
reflection. A quick walk or hike is a great place to start.
• Learn how to meditate. Even just five minutes of meditation per day
can help to keep you grounded and it makes it easier to deal with stressors.
• Start a journal to keep track of your thoughts and feelings.
• Eliminate the clutter in your living space. When your home is more
organized and clean, this helps to make you calmer. Clutter naturally
induces feelings of stress.
• Make sure to get adequate sleep. Get yourself on a regular sleeping
schedule and stick to it. If you want to take a nap during the day, keep it to
an hour or less so that it does not interfere with your ability to sleep at
night.
 Conclusion

N arcissism is affecting more and more people in the world today. If

narcissism was a rare occurance in the past, incidences are on a steady
and dangerous rise right now. What makes this rise faster than it should is
social media.
It has increased your chances of meeting with a narcissist significantly. Be
ready to handle any challenge they might throw at you. If you must live
with a narcissist, it is imperative that you take appropriate steps to secure
your safety. Be prepared for all of his outbursts of rage.
Narcissists can be extremely charming and are master manipulators. So be
ready and vigilant for any scam they might try to pull over you. It is easy to
lapse into a narcissistic personality nowadays. Taking a few selfies or
making a few self-appraising comments on social media need not
necessarily turn you into a modern-day Narcissus. However, it would be
best for your interests if you kept such interactions to a bare minimum.
No one is going to assess your worth by going through your Facebook or
Twitter profile. Keep your emotions intact. Do not drift off into a stage
where you don’t care about anyone but yourself. Indulging in luxuries may
be a necessary addition to certain lifestyles. Make sure that you always
value people and relationships above all things material.
 Narcissistic Fathers
____________
The Problem with being the Son or Daughter
of a Narcissistic Parent, and how to fix it. A
Guide for Healing and Recovering After
Hidden Abuse

Dr. Theresa J. Covert

 Introduction

G rowing up, did your father ever make you feel unheard and rejected,
like your emotions, thoughts and wants never mattered? If yes, there is
a high likelihood you were raised by a narcissist, and I can empathize with
you on that one. I had a childhood where I was not allowed to do things that
made me happy. Being myself, expressing myself, following my passions
and voicing my opinions equaled punishment. My father was a narcissist
too and it is the narcissistic abuse that I experienced that got me into
psychology in the first place.
We can’t choose our parents, nor our surroundings when we are born. A
child who is raised by someone who has an NPD is, from a very young age,
deprived of very basic things necessary for establishing one’s identity,
having healthy boundaries and self-esteem. These basic things are as simple
as genuine love and care for a child’s needs, approval of their identity and
support, and that is exactly what a narcissist can’t provide. Instead of
preparing their children for adulthood, narcissistic fathers sabotage any
attempt of authenticity. There are very few things that can damage the core
of one’s self as being raised by a person who classifies as such. Exposure to
constant gaslighting, and living with guilt and shame from a very young
age, leaves deep scars on a child’s psyche and follows them into adulthood
until they gain enough consciousness and awareness to heal and reinvent
themselves. Many of us who grew up in a toxic environment found it
difficult to be authentic and even worse, we thought we were the ones to
blame for not being good enough, successful enough or a good enough
child. Such children frequently become highly anxious and afraid of the
world around them from a very young age, afraid of everyone’s judgment,
of confrontation, voicing their opinions or saying no to unreasonable
demands. Some seek love and validation in wrong places as adults and
many feel less-than, even when they are extremely talented, smart or
likable.
Fortunately, the great majority of children, now adults, who grew up in
love-deprived homes and were raised by a narcissistic father, find ways to
heal and reinvent themselves to become authentic individuals throughout
life. What was repressed for such a long time, eventually finds expression
through self-work and therapy. Such a childhood poses a barrier to personal
development and many feel remorseful once they figure out their parent is a
narcissist. And that is ok. It is one of the first steps to healing and it is
acceptable to be remorseful. After all, this book is all about that, accepting
who you are, embracing all your feelings and thoughts, even the bad ones,
and then learning to gradually, at your own pace, let them go.
Even nowadays, there is a stigma around breaking free from family chains.
The ugly truth is, not all parents are good parents and you don’t have to be
grateful to your parents if they mistreated or abused you, physically or
psychologically. This content is meant to help you break free from guilt and
shame carried from a relationship with a narcissistic father. Hopefully, it
will provide you with some guidance, shed light on who you were dealing
with at their core and learn more about their effect on you. It is meant to
help show you how to accept your family history as part of your journey,
not your final destination, nor perceive it as chains you can never break free
from.
If you are a child of such a dysfunctional father, you probably know what
it’s like to feel never good enough, even if you are more successful than
most of your peers. You probably know what it’s like to feel invisible,
rejected and anxious from a very young age and you might be far too
familiar with how hard it is to even try to voice your thoughts and emotions.
Maybe you are a late bloomer like my sister, who was so afraid of
becoming true to yourself and independent, only because being
codependent is the only thing you’ve known. And maybe you rebelled
against your father’s concepts early on and became a black sheep in the
family, like me. Whatever your story is, childhood colored by someone's
narcissism leaves scars on self-esteem and deep-rooted fears and patterns
that make us sabotage ourselves later in life. We are afraid to say no to
things that don’t serve us and yes to a great job offer because we think we
don’t deserve it. Both my sister and I spent a childhood, teenagehood and
early adulthood feeling guilty for everything and anything, feeling
unsuccessful, not talented or beautiful enough, like who we truly were
wasn’t acceptable. Being raised by a narcissistic father took a toll on both of
us, but in a different way.Although we were raised in the same family, we
received entirely different treatment. Feeling like a disappointment is not
easy, especially if it follows you your whole life. It was a tough road on
which we learned to trust ourselves to make decisions, voice our truths and
feel good about who we are. Narcissists discard the very essence of their
children. They don’t teach them to speak up and be self-sufficient, but to
stay quiet and obedient.
Know this - you are not alone. You’d be surprised how many people I have
met, who, just like you and me, didn’t feel good enough because that is
what they were made to believe their whole lives. Although not an easy
path, because change doesn’t happen overnight, a path of recovery from
long-term narcissistic abuse, such as parental narcissistic abuse, gets easier
with every step you take. I ask you to be gentle with yourself and allow for
a change in you to occur as you get ready for each next step. It gets better.
Much better. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is something that will
make you see how strong, loveable and capable you are and always have
been.
 Chapter 1:
Who are narcissistic fathers?

P aternal narcissism relates to fathers who display behaviors typical of

narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic fathers have grandiose
delusions related to self, one’s importance, abilities and talents, and they
impose superiority, are malicious, manipulative and controlling. In dealing
with others, they lack empathy, are extremely self-centered, possessive and
arrogant, and when it comes to their children these behaviors become even
more highlighted. In the core of a narcissist’s mindset is a very fragile ego,
which revolves around unrealistic fantasies of grandiosity and self-
importance. They use family bonds to fulfill their narcissistic desires.
Having such a parent creates an emotionally unhealthy environment for a
child and leaves long-lasting consequences on their mental health. When
such a dysfunctional individual is a parent, the very person a child depends
on becomes the greatest source of instability, anxiety, depression and low
self-esteem for the child.
Outside their family life and father-child bonds, they are often highly
charismatic, charming people and frequently are very successful, well-
accepted members of society. A narcissistic father is someone who needs to
feel important and in control of everything around them, including the life
of their children. They are the people whose rage is hard to deal with, who
guilt-trip their children and punish them by withdrawing love, money or
other resources children depend on. A parent with an NPD is the type of
person who would take away whatever it is their child cares about, be it
their favorite toy, forbidding them going out or refusing to support their
aspirations. While all parents are protective of their children, in this case,
what lies behind such behavior is pure self-interest and a need to protect
their narcissistic supply, even if that means doing something that is not for
the greater good of the child. More so, the narcissist feels completely
entitled to being the center of the family dynamic, demands obedience,
respect and won’t accept any form of rebellion against their demands and
wishes.
While many narcissistic fathers are the overly-authoritative type,
narcissistic behavior is not always displayed as openly threatening,
especially with the less domineering, covert narcissist. Individuals who
display behaviors typical for NPD gaslight, play mind games, act resentful
or passive-aggressive, use other’s empathy, loyalty and emotions to
manipulate them and gain narcissistic supply. They use other weaknesses to
make themselves feel important, grandiose and respected and sadly not
even their own children are spared. On the contrary, narcissistic fathers
perceive their children as their “property’’, an extension of themselves or a
project, making their children feel like they “owe’’ them their time and
obedience even later in adulthood. Such children are expected to live the
life their fathers expect them to live and live someone else’s dreams (read:
their father’s).
Highly unsympathetic and insensitive to the child's needs, these fathers
withdraw affection, don't respect the child's independence, and are unable to
form truly loving bonds with their kids. These children aren’t allowed to be
their independent selves, or have their own lives, and so fighting for
independence and personal authenticity is a constant battle, which it never
is in healthy father-child relationships. Their aspirations, goals and dreams
never matter and there is no room for being a unique individual. The
identity of a child is built to suit their narcissistic parent and match their
father’s expectations. A narcissist will do anything and go to great lengths
to try to mold them to fit their ideal image of a perfect child who admires
them - “you must be what I want you to be, or…’’. They will do so under
the parole “I know what is best for you’’, but the reality is, a narcissist only
knows what is best for themselves and that is to keep their narcissistic
supply close to them at any cost.
Paternal narcissism also often includes marginalization of the child,
dismissing their personal uniqueness and even a competition with the child
- competition for recognition, admiration and adoration. Fathers like these
need to take the center stage at all costs. Usually, they will live the success
through the child and their accomplishments, so they may be the first one to
brag about their child's latest accomplishments and make great celebration
parties, only for them to be seen and admired by others as a good,
accomplished father. Conversely, they will be the ones to criticize and put
the child down if anything a child does threatens to crumble their false
sense of grandiosity.
In their mind, being a father gives them power over their children, and they
think in terms of entitlement to power: you depend on me so I can
decide what you can or can’t do with your life. They need to give
approval, permission or consent of everything the child does, from the
beginning, because a child’s independence threatens this exact false sense
of control and power. Furthermore, they need to be in control and puppet
their child to be a good representation of how good of a father they are, as it
serves their ego and raises their status.
I hope this book will help you break that toxic chain. Us who suffered
narcissistic abuse in childhood are those who need to re-educate and re-
parent ourselves. And that is a journey we should be proud of with every
step we take.
 Chapter 2:
Signs of a narcissistic father

A narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a sense of

entitlement, a false belief that one is grandiose, a need for admiration,
adoration and a lack of empathy. There are two main types of narcissistic
fathers, and both exert these characteristics. They are overt narcissists and
covert narcissists, where the first may exhibit more personal dominance,
arrogance and extreme resistance to criticism, the second type is more
shame driven and less extraverted in their approach to others. Nevertheless,
both are toxic and malignant to be raised by, and their behaviors and
patterns can easily obstruct the child's growth, causing them mental health
problems in adulthood, creating identity crisis, codependency and self-
confidence issues. When distinguishing a narcissistic father, there are a few
key ways in which one can determine the presence of narcissism. The most
important ones to take notice of are a father’s attitude towards the daughter,
the dynamic of their relationship and their parenting style towards a single
child. Narcissists see all their children differently, so it is important to
compare the father’s relationship with all children separately, as it is not
uncommon for them to have a golden, favorite child and prefer one over the
other. If you are suspecting your father exhibits traits of a narcissist, here
are a few major signs to look for to help in discernment:
A narcissistic father is either overly involved or completely
detached. Their involvement in their offspring’s life varies from complete
possessiveness to absolute indifference, depending on how a child is
behaving and their own narcissistic disposition. They are overly involved in
all aspects of their lives, from school or university life to socializing,
hobbies and dating. Narcissists are self-centered people, and they take their
children’s success and failure as if it was their own, which will additionally
dictate their involvement or noninvolvement. If they are proud of their
child, they will make sure the child and themselves are seen, if not, they
will completely ignore and disengage themselves from their child's life as if
the child is not deserving of love just for being who they are.
They see their children as extensions of themselves. That being
said, their children are not seen as individuals, but parts of themselves,
which causes the father’s and child’s identities to merge. Because of that,
everything a child does is taken very personally, be it for good or for bad.
Every success is seen as a personal success., It boosts their self-confidence
and is an affirmation of their own value. Conversely, every perceived
failure and mistake a child makes is subconsciously seen as their own fault.
In such situations, a narcissist can even rigorously punish the child for
embarrassing and disappointing them. The affection between them is
present and the nature of such a relationship is a codependent parental
relationship. Instead of attending to the child's actual needs and paying
attention to their individuality, such fathers live through their children. They
pay attention to similarities between themselves and the child and diminish
or even punish what makes the child unique and authentic. The father lives
through the child, and so they focus on their potential, rather than the real
capabilities and desires of a child.
The father idealizes the child. Idealization takes many forms and is
based on the father’s unrealistic perception of the child, where he
exaggerates and tries to boost certain aspects of a child's personality while
taking no notice of other aspects. He always has an image of a perfect child
in mind, a child who is successful in all areas he’d like her to be successful
in and will go out of his way to boost, praise and amplify skills and
personality traits he finds to match this idealized image. It is not uncommon
for such a father to ignore the child's natural talents and gifts if they do not
match his projected ideal. They will push their children into hobbies and
activities they personally prefer, not those the child is the most interested in.
Every behavior that is compatible with idealized images will be loudly
praised, while everything that deviates from that will be ignored, punished,
sabotaged or dismissed.
The narcissistic father is overly controlling. Because they are
driven by the idealized image of their child, the parental relationship is
colored with an extreme amount of control. The father needs to be involved
in every decision-making process and needs to have a firm grip on every
aspect of their child’s life. This includes schooling, career choice, time,
hobbies and leisure activities, choosing friends, socializing and dating,
personal appearance, money or anything else they can have control over. An
excessive amount of control is there to ensure two things: One, to establish
a solid narcissistic supply and create a child’s dependency on them, and
two, to prevent a child’s independence and detachment from them.
The father ignores the child’s emotional needs. Due to a lack of
empathy and the inability to connect with others in a healthy way, children
of narcissistic fathers are frequently deprived of true affection, which leaves
marks on their emotional self later in life. They are not allowed to say or
express how they feel and the free flow of love and affection is interrupted
by the constant cycle of pricing and shaming. As a result, such children
learn that love is never given freely, but must be earned, which is what the
emotional bond between the child and the narcissistic father is built on.
Love is always conditional and kids are not loved for who they are, but for
who their father wants them to be. Such fathers usually shift the focus to
building their child's skills, manners or preparing them for success,
completely ignoring their emotional wellbeing. This is why, even though a
father may be a present figure in the family, when he is a narcissist a child
may feel rejected, neglected and ignored due to his inability to tend to their
emotional needs or give nurturing care, just as if he wasn’t there at all.
The father displays superficial charm. Narcissists are very
charismatic people and like to be admired. They know the right things to
say or do to be liked and well received by people. For someone who is not
in close relationship with them, a narcissist will appear very pleasant,
sociable and respectable. To the outside world, they seem like great dads,
who sacrifice a lot and always fight for their family, which can cause
confusion in their children - Is my father really as manipulative as I
believe? Maybe he is really trying to help me. Maybe the problem
really is me. Am I not allowing my father to guide and protect me?
A child of a narcissist will often hear how great of a father they have, and
that they should be thankful for having someone so attentive to raise them.
Narcissistic fathers are easily triggered and enraged. Narcissists
do not tolerate criticism or failures. Because they don’t have a well-
developed emotional intelligence, they display almost infantile reactions to
behaviors and situations they don’t approve of. Internally, when they feel
ashamed, undervalued, rejected and afraid, they will project these negative
emotions onto other family members, including a child. These reactions, or
projections, can vary from passive-aggressive treatments, insults to outright
rage. Because of their mental disposition and idealized picture of how
things should be, they do not accept deviations from expected perfection.
Human faults and mistakes are seen as disasters and something a child
should be ashamed of, not something they can learn from or something that
could contribute to their personal growth. There is a lack of compromise,
flexibility, and adaptability to other people’s needs, including their own
children, as a narcissist truly, deeply believes everyone else should adapt to
them.
The father makes a child feel guilty and ashamed. A child grows
up feeling as if there are parts of themselves that need to be hidden, parts of
their personality that are not acceptable and should be kept in control,
including a child’s emotional nature, aspirations, interests, and talents.
These are usually not naturally deviant behaviors by any means, but simply
behaviors that deviate from their father’s idealized image. For a child, there
is usually an unexplainable element of restriction and extreme awareness of
one's behavior from a young age, followed by a sense of not having enough
freedom to explore, be spontaneous or creative as a child. Furthermore,
there is a sense of fear that being authentic will incur the father’s judgment
and rejection. Growing up, a child is deemed guilty by their father for not
trying harder, not doing better in school, not looking or behaving better, or
not behaving as good as their brother, sister, relatives or neighbors.
A narcissistic father played the blame game. They have an
inclination to blame everyone else in the family when they experience
personal failure or have issues, be it the other parent or the child. Lack of
admiration, recognition for their talents and capabilities, lack of success or
bad health are always because of someone else. Your mother never gave
me enough love. If it wasn’t for your mother, I would be the main
engineer right now. If it wasn’t for your university debt, we would
have bought a new house. If it wasn’t for your brother’s disinterest
for a family business, we could have grown the business. If it wasn’t
for your bad behavior, I wouldn’t have heart problems now. A
narcissist believes the whole world is against them and everyone tries to
sabotage them, so family members are usually at fault when their self-
perceived talents and value don’t get the recognition they think they
deserve. Due to grandiosity complex, they don’t take responsibility or
accountability for their failures or behaviors, but simply pass them to a
scapegoat - a person who is blamed for the narcissist’s mistakes.
Paternal narcissism is very complex, but these fathers all display these
behaviors to a different degree. Not all narcissistic fathers will be the same
in their relations with children, but all of them will have some of the listed
elements combined together. Hopefully, these signs were helpful and could
give you some clarity about what you’ve lived through and who the person
is that raised you. First recognizing and accepting that your father may not
be the protector you thought them to be is the first step to understanding
some of your own patterns, behaviors and most importantly, it is the first
step to building yourself up and healing from such a relationship.
 Chapter 3:
The dark core of personality in narcissistic fathers

S ome of the questions I commonly hear from survivors of parental

narcissistic abuse are: Why did my father treat me the way they
did? Couldn’t they be a better parent? Maybe I am asking too
much. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I am a failure. Maybe I am
spoiled. Didn’t they love me? What did I do to deserve that? I must
have been a really bad child. I am disappointed after all. These and
similar questions naturally awaken resentment, anger, the deep sense of
injustice and, not uncommonly, self-blame and even self-hate. After all, no
one deserves to be put down and marginalized, especially not by the people
they couldn’t choose, such as their parents. Asking these questions and
feeling every human emotion is ok and it is normal. This is what you need
to know - whatever you experienced as a child was not your fault.
Along with Machiavellianism, sadism, egoism and spitefulness, the
psychology of a human mind can include another dark trait that relates to
lack of empathy and consideration for others - narcissism. Belonging to this
spectrum of dark elements of one’s personality and a very complex
personality disorder on its own, narcissism at its core is extremely toxic for
a narcissist’s environment. This is to say that narcissists aren’t mentally and
emotionally healthy individuals and can’t provide the same nurturing as
healthy fathers would.
A narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a certain level of
emotional infancy. Because they haven’t learned to accept and reciprocate
affection in a healthy way and because of their lack of empathy for others,
they have instead learned to rely on other aspects of personality to survive
in society - their intellectual capabilities, physical strength, power, and
charisma. They do feel very powerful emotions, but these emotions are
usually fear and anger on the negative spectrum, and feelings of worthiness
and self-importance on the positive spectrum. Both emotions on the positive
and the negative spectrum drive them to do things that would result in
someone validating their worth. Their sense of personal happiness, after all,
depends on that. More so, narcissistic fathers, as narcissists in general, are
fiercely driven by their own fear, and the fear they awaken in others.
Furthermore, there are two main types of narcissism, and these are
grandiose or overt narcissism, and vulnerable or covert narcissism. Fathers
who belong on the grandiose narcissism spectrum are likely to show
behaviors such as dominance, extreme self-confidence, insensitivity, lack of
consideration for others, insensitivity to their needs and authoritarianism.
They openly demand to be the center of attention, desire admiration, love to
brag and are frequently in the spotlight where he loves to be. Those who
belong on the covert spectrum, however, are inhibited in their displays of
grandiosity. They too believe they need to be admired and have a false
sense of grandiosity and an inflated ego, but these fathers, compared to
overt narcissists, will be more passive-aggressive, appear more vulnerable
and sensitive to criticism. The base of the personality, however, in both
cases remains the same. Both types lack empathy and both believe they are
special, have an inflated sense of self-importance and dream of being
adored, and having ultimate power and control. No matter if your father is a
covert or an overt narcissist, you are likely to experience rejection, feelings
of unworthiness, feeling unlovable or less-than. The psychology behind
narcissistic behavior is such that these people have a sense of entitlement
and crave external admiration, which in combination with a lack of care and
empathy for others, can be disastrous for their children.
Are feelings of being deemed as unworthy of love and admiration,
untalented, unsuccessful, not good enough, and the fear of possible failure
something you are experiencing as an adult or something you recall from
childhood? All of these are fears are very common for survivors of parental
narcissistic abuse. The irony here is that all these fears, however, are exactly
the fears a narcissistic father has at his core. These exact fears drive them to
manipulate, lie, gaslight and put their children or partners down, only to feel
powerful. The narcissistic personality is a mix of extremes, a mix of fear, of
not being seen for one’s great value, and an obsession over that illusionary
value.
Narcissists have tunnel vision and a distorted perception of reality, which
revolves around their false superiority and very fragile ego - a bomb that
can explode any second you do something that defies to ruin their illusory
world. The emotional self of the narcissist isn’t built on equal give and take,
as they believe they should be the ones to have it all, which is why the
relationship between them and the child revolves on conditioning and
conditional love. Emotional satisfaction from a father-child relationship, as
well as in other relationships in their lives, is established by interpersonal
dominance and exertion of some form of power, through arrogance,
authoritarianism, manipulation, gaslighting, blaming or lying.
Furthermore, narcissists project aspects of themselves onto their children,
which because of a child's innocent and gullible nature, easily finds a way
to their behavioral patterns. I spent my teenage years and early adulthood
feeling the extreme need to succeed and impress everyone because I wanted
to prove to everyone that I am worthy. I thought I needed to be perfect in
order to find a good relationship and be respected, but the only thing that
brought me is misery, anxiety and depression. In my mid-twenties, when
everyone was still discovering themselves, I felt like a failure and
disappointment. I really wanted to make my father proud of me. I wanted to
prove him wrong and make him see and appreciate my talents and who I am
as a person. Narcissistic fathers set criteria for your happiness and because
we are talking about childhood, these criteria get very deep-rooted in your
psyche as if it was your own. This creates a deep inner conflict and a
struggle, to the point, it is even hard to discern who you are and what you
really want out of life, without the father speaking through you.
 Chapter 4:
Narcissistic fathers and their inability to love

P art of the mental disposition of a narcissist is the inability to reciprocate

healthy emotions without an agenda attached. A narcissistic father’s
love is a selfish love. Because they can’t truly feel such an emotion, the
love given to the child is always conditional: I will love you only if you
do as I say and behave the way I expect you to behave, no matter
how you feel. Nothing is free and every action has consequences, and so
when a narcissist gives, you better believe it is because they want
something in return - a validation of their grandiosity. A narcissist only
shows attention and shows displays of love when it suits them, to ensure the
child will give them back twice the amount of that displayed love. Like in
any other type of relationship with a narcissist, there are three main stages
they put you through, and these are love bombing, devaluation, and discard.
Because of the unique natureof parent-child relationships, in this case,
while growing up a child strongly experiences the first two phases, which
are closely entwined and don’t happen in a particular order. The discard
usually happens when a child completely rebels against their fathers’
wishes and demands and becomes an outcast that deserves nothing else but
to be completely rejected and deemed as unworthy of their father’s love.
There is a constant swing between being the perfect, golden child and a
disgrace and disappointment for the family.
Because a narcissistic father doesn’t see their child as an individual, but
rather an extension of themselves and a source of narcissistic supply, they
give their love based on how well the child fits into that image. If a child is
the artistic type and would like to pursue a career in the arts, and their
father’s dream is for them to become a lawyer, the child will feel guilty for
pursuing their own dream. Even though they may be a very talented artist
with a lot of creative potential, they won’t have the support they need.
Matter of fact, they may even be punished for going after the goals and
aspirations that make them happy because the only person whose happiness
matters is their father’s. In a healthy father-child relationship, love is given
freely and is a catalyst for personal growth and prosperity in the family.
However, in a malignant relationship, the love a child has for the father is
used as a tool, a weapon for manipulation and control.
Every time the child does something that feeds the ego of a narcissist and
approves of their power, such as listening to their advice, obeying their
rules and doing what they find is acceptable, they will get love bombed.
Love bombing involves extreme praise, displays of affection and rewards.
These are not just any rewards, but those things the father knows the child
highly cares about and craves for, be it time spent together, financial
support or something as simple as the freedom to do their hobby and stay
out later than usual. During this stage, a narcissist will say things that make
you feel special, valuable, seen, heard and appreciated, something every
child needs from their parents. In these moments you feel very worthy of
love and get much-needed confidence as they assure you that you are so
perfect you could conquer the world.
Love bombing serves to ensure the narcissistic supply and it is so effective
because what lies behind it is a calculation based on careful observation and
studying of their child. They know what the child needs to feel happy and
fulfilled, what their dreams and hopes are, and so the narcissist will use it to
derive the desired behaviors that make themselves feel good - I have the
power to make you feel worthy or unworthy of love. While a healthy
parent will do anything in their power to protect their child, help them build
strengths and deal with weaknesses, a narcissistic father preys on their
child's weak spots and vulnerabilities and uses them against the child. They
know how you react to love so they know how to serve it to you, and they
know exactly what they will get in return. By giving the child the power to
make decisions for themselves, the narcissist feels unimportant, which
causes them to rage, and projects such feelings of personal inadequacy on
the one who made them feel so powerless - their own child. As a result, it is
the child who feels unappreciated and powerless. Although his words may
sound genuine, at the core of his being, he doesn’t care about the child’s
wellbeing, happiness or who they are and want to become. Behind the mask
of a father who only wants the best for their child is a selfish, smart
manipulator who needs everything to revolve around them and doesn’t care
about family and family matters, unless they feel threatened. Love is never
free-flowing, and the child feels obligated to return the love, idealization
and praise. The child will repay them by obliging the narcissist and giving
their undivided time and attention, whenever the narcissist demands that.
Discard happens when you, as their child, fail to do what they want and
then you are seen as a disgrace and a disappointment. You deviated from
the plan of how they want you to be, you don’t play the role in society they
want you to play and this means you are unworthy of love and support.
They will punish you for doing anything willingly and without their
consent, by withholding things that matter to you, such as hugs, time,
devotion or money. You will be ignored simply for having your own
opinion or saying no to something that isn’t in your best interest. Cold
treatment, passive-aggressiveness, criticism and back-handed comments are
something I grew up with. This would make me crave the praise and
affirmation I had during love bombing moments and amplify the feeling of
unworthiness even more. I would feel extremely pressured to answer my
father’s calls, do him favors and try harder to be a better daughter, only to
end up feeling guilty for not making the man who raised me, my father,
proud of me. I used to think I deserve love only when I put others first, as I
was so used to letting myself down and trying to please someone, who
never had my best interest at heart. I would later learn that pleasing them
kept me small and brought me nothing more than anxiety, shame, and guilt I
did not deserve.
 Chapter 5:
Weapons of a narcissist:
How a narcissistic father controls

I hope previous chapters gave you a clearer insight into what a narcissistic
personality is and helped you define paternal narcissism. If your father is
a narcissist and his behaviors match plenty of those that were previously
described, you may start wondering how come you did not recognize them
as a narcissist for so long. Many children, who are now adults, whose
fathers are narcissists, that I’ve met deny and second-guess themselves even
after there are plenty of signs pointing out the existence of narcissism in
their fathers. They wonder if they are simply overreacting, as after all there
were so many positive memories with their father they could recall. This is
because they, just like me and you, were raised to second-guess themselves.
Second-guessing and mistrusting one's own judgment are part of being a
child of a narcissist. Narcissistic fathers are masters of manipulation and
disguise. They are masters at creating positive memories, as these allow
them to control your behavior. There are a few common ways in which they
manipulate and control. Some are more prevalent in grandiose narcissism,
and some in vulnerable narcissism, but all narcissists use all of these
techniques to an extent, some more than others. All of these techniques are
damaging to a child's self-development, self-esteem, identity, emotional,
mental and even physical health. They are so damaging because parents are
the first role models in everyone's childhood, narcissists or not. The first
conditioning and the first contact with society for a little child is through
them, which is why children naturally see their parents as the ultimate
protectors, the good people, the people who teach them how to love. When
a parent is a narcissist, the very dynamic of a family becomes unhealthy and
the child grows up in a toxic environment, not knowing or understanding
why they are treated the way they are. The very first contact with society is
through them, so a child who was raised by a narcissist won’t be able to
label parental behavior as toxic or abusive until they grow up to understand
the devastating effects their father left on their very core of personality.
Narcissistic fathers frequently marginalize and criticize their children. This
makes them feel more secure and in power, but it also makes the child more
vulnerable to them and more insecure. To feel special, the child in return
wants to feel like they matter, and they seek their father’s validation by
doing exactly what the father wants them to do. Because the father is a
respected figure a child trusts, like we all do, especially when we are young,
the first thing that comes to a child's mind when they are criticized is that
they are somehow bad, that there is something wrong with them, or that
they are doing childhood wrong.
My father used to compare my sister and I to other children we knew in
means of gaining control. What hurt the most wasn’t direct comparison, but
a combination of praising other children, while withdrawing praise and
affection from us, his own children. Look at Angela, she is so gorgeous,
like a real model! Adriana is such a great student. You are lucky to
have such a daughter! That dress doesn’t suit you. We better give it
to Anna, she is much more developed than you are. We felt like all
other children are better students than us, all girls are prettier and more
valuable than us, which is a very unhealthy mindset for a child to grow up
with. We were at an imaginary competition with other children, and we felt
like we were constantly losing. And while praising all other children in
front of us, our success and talents were rarely to never highlighted in front
of other people. This way, by using a comparison as his weapon, a narcissist
keeps his children small, and ensures one thing he wants the most - the
narcissistic supply. Because you are a “bad’’ child, you want to prove to
yourself that you are as good as Adrianna, Anna or Angela, that you are
worthy of praise and love, and you wanting to try harder to be a better
daughter makes him feel like his opinion matters. You grow up feeling like
you are not good enough, so your narcissistic father feels important and in
control. Instead of teaching us how to love ourselves and see other children
as our equals, all we saw is that they are great and we are not - other
children are superior to us. After all, he imagined a much grander future for
you, and you are not fulfilling it!
Acting flashy, overexaggerating and bragging about their child's endeavors
is the flipside of the coin and another way a narcissistic father gains control.
When a child starts to fulfill desires and ambitions of their father, excessive
criticism quickly transforms into excessive praise and acknowledgment.
Because a narcissistic father desires to be admired by others and in the
center of attention, they use their child’s success to put themselves in the
spotlight and show the world how great of a job they did raising their child.
However, they use this not only to get admiration, but to control the child
and create memories a child can hold on to any time they start doubting
their father's intentions, decisions or judgment. These moments create
powerful positive memories, memories when a child feels important, seen,
heard and acknowledged. This is how he gains his child’s trust and ensures
a solid narcissistic supply. These are the memories that keep you, as their
child, hooked to them at your expense and keep you going back to their
false safe shelter when you feel unsure of yourself. And they will do
anything to make you feel insecure and vulnerable.
A narcissist uses these positive emotions and memories to make the child
want to please and fulfill their father’s narcissistic ideals and desires even
more, which creates an endless spiral of feeling unworthy and wanting to
prove one’s worthiness to a narcissist. When I graduated, my father made a
huge event to celebrate my graduation. When I got to a prestigious high
school, something that he always wanted the two of us to do, he took us all
on an exotic family trip. When my sister got her first and only modeling
job, he gave her the permission to get a driver’s license, something he
would otherwise never do. These memories are rare, but they served our
father for many years. Every time we confronted him about something,
we’d feel guilty for doing so, even if we had a solid point and a complete
right to voice our opinions. Memories like these were a vacuum that sucked
us back in every time we tried to break the chain and become our own
individuals and make our own decisions. We felt guilty for being
disrespectful, when in reality, there was nothing disrespectful about
choosing one’s own path.
They control their children by being the ultimate provider, and this is a
problem that usually erupts when a child tries to go off on their own, build
an independent life, move and become an adult. This can be money,
material wealth and support, but it can also be security or anything else they
can provide, from something as big as a home to transportation. A
narcissistic father feels threatened by these attempts and will sabotage them
to ensure the child stays with them and validates their importance as a
provider for as long as possible. You won’t be able to survive without
my financial help; I am afraid it will be hard on you; being an
adult is a lot of responsibility, or You don’t even know how to cook
and pay bills are common comments a narcissist uses when trying to
discourage attempts to leave the family nest, as if being an adult is not
something that can be learned. They lure their children back in by letting
them fail. The narcissist has taught his children that failure is equivalent to
the end of the world, and not a chance to grow and learn; which is why
many young adults go back to their families and their narcissistic fathers,
discouraged from not being able to adapt to the new way of living, even
though growing up is a complex process and we all fail until we learn.
Because they don’t have a healthy sense of self and are lacking in self-
esteem, as narcissists purposely didn’t help them prepare for the world of
adults, and because many don’t have a clear sense of identity, leaving the
family home takes many attempts. They would withdraw all financial
support if you decide to go and live on your own, but they will gladly
finance you if you come back home. That is how the narcissist lures you
back in and brings back control over their narcissistic supply - you. You
depending on them makes them feel big and important. Remember, a
narcissist does not want you to grow up, as that means you will no longer
need them and will have nothing to owe them.
The interesting thing is, as much as they create these positive memories,
they make them only when they feel like you are meeting their
expectations. They will celebrate your achievements, flashily bragging
about them only when they are part of their own vision, the vision of a
perfect child. Even if I was never interested in medicine and am terrified of
hospitals, on his demand, I did enroll to a prestigious medical school. Once
I graduated, he threw a party equivalent to an engagement party. It was a
huge deal to him. However, once he found out I enrolled in the University
of Social Sciences to become a psychologist, he limited financial support,
claiming I must take responsibility for my own choices. He never bragged
about my success and was a great student. This kind of behavior, when the
narcissist reinforces acts and decisions that fit into his criteria, and punishes
and withdraws support when the child makes independent decisions, is
called destructive conditioning. Narcissistic fathers make you feel guilty for
pursuing your goals and dreams if these don’t fit into their picture of how
you are supposed to be. This includes them not paying attention to or not
giving acknowledgments to your talents, and not praising your skills, even
if you are exceptional.
You may be a fairly good artist who grew up thinking their art is average.
Your father may discourage your attempts to join art clubs or competitions,
deeming them a waste of time. You may show them your drawings and they
would look at them with a blank expression as if they just looked at a tv
show they aren’t interested in. If they say your drawings are great, that
“great’’ is not nearly as big as the one you’d get if you joined the volleyball
team, something they thought you should do. Narcissistic fathers do this to
shape your behavior and gain control over your life and how you spend
your time. You drawing some foolish portraits won't make you a better
volleyball player, so why waste your time on that? These may be small
things, but for a child, their talents being ignored by someone who knows
better, their father, is a real discouragement, to the point a child may even
feel fearful of doing things they enjoy. Children are afraid of being judged,
being seen as unsuccessful by their father. They want to avoid being yelled
at, avoid criticism and they don’t want to experience feeling unworthy, so
they fall into the net of conditioning. Ultimately, a narcissistic father does
not want you to do what makes you happy, but what makes them happy.
 Chapter 6:
Narcissistic fathers and unhealthy family
dynamics

S ince a narcissist sees themselves in light of grandiosity and the rest of

the world needs to match the ideal image they have created in their
head, family as the core base for raising a child becomes an unhealthy
environment for a child to grow up in. The normal flow of affection and
decision making is disrupted and the dynamic of the family becomes
imbalanced - the father takes the center stage, the mother, a child, and their
siblings second, third and fourth place. Narcissistic fathers see their family
members as threats to their grandiosity, tools for making their value
recognizable and making their ideals become a reality.
The narcissist needs to be the one everything in the family revolves around,
from making tiny decisions to organizing and choosing a lifestyle of the
entire family and each individual separately. They create a stage for them to
be the main role by enabling their family members and creating a
codependent environment. Where would you be without me, If it
wasn’t for me you would be no one, If I didn’t work so hard you’d
be living on the streets now and You should be thankful for all I do
for you ...are some of the common phrases they use to make family
members feel small and undervalued. The narcissistic father has a deep-
rooted belief that everyone in the family should be thankful for having them
in their lives, and everything that is done is done on their terms or not at all.
There is a restriction of freedom and a need not to disturb the waters, rather
than openly talk and share feelings, thoughts, and aspirations. The family
itself, just like an individual relationship a narcissist has with each family
member, is a roller coaster where children and the mother constantly
experience highs and lows, frequently afraid of being themselves or doing
something wrong - something that doesn’t match the father's expectations.
Instead of collaboration, compromise, tolerance, and acceptance of one
another, family members often feel as if they are in competition with one
another, which is especially prominent in families when there are two or
more children. In families when there is only one child, it is not uncommon
to see a child and a mother being opposed to each other, all as a result of a
narcissist trying to compare, blame and create a distance between them.
Using previously described manipulation techniques, the narcissistic father
sets the stage where family members are in competition to prove their worth
to the narcissist, to prove they deserve love and to prove their value as
human beings, as if they are not valuable without their father’s affirmation.
Love and support feel like limited sources and children frequently feel left
out if their sibling gets more attention and affection from the narcissist. This
can create envy, competitiveness, jealousy, hatred, feelings of rejection,
unworthiness and abandonment in a child who is being ignored by a
narcissist, and a sense of specialness, worthiness, success, recognition, and
approval in a child who receives narcissistic love. This is until the tables
turn when an adored child does something that is out of the balance with
what the narcissistic father expects from them. Then, their roles reverse,
which further amplifies competition between siblings and shifts the focus
from the narcissist’s maliciousness to family members themselves. The
dislike, jealousy, and anger is not directed towards the father but towards
the other sibling, who stole the spotlight from them, so they need to work
hard to win back the father’s love. Narcissists classify their children as good
or bad compared to how well they fit into their image of a perfect child. It is
very common for one child to become the perfect, favorite “golden’’ child,
and the other a scapegoat, a bad child, and a constant disappointment for the
family.
The treatment a child gets from the narcissist and the place it earns in a
narcissist's life depends on various things: how the child fits into the
father’s ideal, how good of a narcissistic supply it provides and how
successful it is in pleasing the father compared to other children and the
mother. The family has a hierarchy, where the narcissistic father always
needs to be on top, and all other members rank depending on how well they
fit into what the narcissist finds acceptable and how much of an ego boost
they give him. There is no sense of unity as the core of the family is based
on competition, manipulation, and fear.
The mother of a child, another important figure that should enjoy equality
when it comes to raising a child, is frequently portrayed by the father as an
enemy. She is the one to be blamed for your failures, she is the one
responsible for all the bad things happening in the family, she is the
sabotager and the bad guy. It is all your mother's fault. She raised
you to be lazy. Her words and promises are usually made irrelevant, even
if what she’s doing is truly better for the child. This is the constant
scapegoat and an example of how a child should not be, as the narcissist is
always in competition for attention and the child's mother is his greatest
competitor. Many times, these women suffered narcissistic abuse
themselves, they are devalued and as a result they find it difficult to trust
themselves and make independent decisions. Their lives, like their
children’s lives are micromanaged by the main star in the family, who
always knows best - the narcissistic father. The mother is frequently hushed
and taught to follow her husband's authority. She is expected to be, and
frequently is, submissive, having very little power over what a narcissist
does and decisions he makes for the family.
Narcissists establish their manipulation and control through relatives,
grandparents, neighbors and family friends as well, by making them their
advocates. A flying monkey is every individual, part of the family or not,
that contributes, consciously or not, to narcissistic manipulation of a father
by supporting their actions and ways of raising children. These people act
on behalf of the narcissist by reinforcing their statements and behaviors.
They are the ones to say things such as - You are lucky to have such a
father; You should be thankful for how tolerant your father is of
your behavior; Your father did everything for you and this is how
you repay him; He is doing this for your best interest; Your father
knows what is right for you. Many times, people who play the role of the
flying monkey truly believe the father is doing what’s best for their child
and there are cases when they don’t have malicious intentions and are, just
like family members themselves, manipulated by the narcissist and seduced
by their charm.
This is how paternal narcissism takes a toll on children on a much larger
scale. Narcissistic fathers don’t only affect their children directly, but they
affect the whole environment in which the child grows up.
 Chapter 7:
The scapegoat vs. the golden child

I mentioned in the previous chapter how competitive the nature of family

dynamics get when your father is a narcissist. If you are their child, you
could be one of two things. You are either adored, praised and worshiped or
you are blamed for everything, criticized and ignored. In other words, you
are the golden child or the scapegoat. These two epithets are what shaped
your mentality long before you could wrap your head around how negative
of an impact your father has on your mental health. Being one or the other
is nothing you can choose or change. These roles are given to you and your
siblings without your consent or contribution.
Narcissistic fathers don’t see their children as individuals whose
authenticity he needs to cherish, but he sees them as either acceptable and a
boost to their ego or the complete opposite, the disturber of their imaginary
authority. Being who you essentially are, your nature as a child, and your
characteristics, are what poses you to take on one of these two roles, in the
narcissist’s eyes. Narcissistic fathers carefully analyze and examine their
children at a very young age. A child’s temperament, intellect, character,
behavior, curiosity or lack of it, calmness or liveliness are all contributing
factors to the roles they will have growing up. It is nothing you chose to be.
It is who your father chose you to be. Being a child of a narcissist, I always
felt like an outcast in the family. While our father’s narcissism affected us
differently, both me and my sister needed to re-parent ourselves as adults as
we both struggled with low self-esteem, self-doubt, serious fears of
abandonment and depression. I was the rebel, and she was the calm one.
She was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. And because you don’t
get to choose those roles, you easily become your father's puppet and play
that role without knowing how or why you got it. Not only do you play the
given role, but you also know very well what role other family members
play and so you play along. So, if your sibling was the golden child, you
will grow up thinking they are special and every other family member will
treat them as such. And if you are a scapegoat like I was, every family
member and many people who are close to your family members will see
you as the peace disturber. It follows you everywhere and affects all areas
of your life, not only what you live through being part of such a
dysfunctional family. Both the scapegoat and the golden child are imaginary
identities, not something the child actually is.
The terms scapegoat and golden child are prominent in psychological
practice and are often used to label individuals who are dealing with people
who are targets of various psychopathic, sociopathic, malignant and
narcissistic personalities. The scapegoat is a person who is constantly
blamed or criticized for wrongdoings of others. They are obligated to take
on responsibilities both for their doings, and the doings of others, taking on
burdens they don’t have to carry. The scapegoat is the black sheep of the
family. A child who gets to play this role is usually labeled as the bad child,
the one who behaves badly, who is not as good as their sister or brother, the
one who always makes mistakes. You are chosen to be the scapegoat not
because you are bad or less loveable, but because you are seen as a threat, a
wild child, the one who needs to be tamed, a threat to your father’s sense of
control and unfortunately, this is what you don’t understand when you are a
child. If you were the scapegoat, everything bad that happens in the family
is your fault, no matter if it’s something you actually did or not, and no
matter your actual contribution to the unfortunate situation you are blamed
for.
Since I was the scapegoat of my family, I was the one who is responsible
for everything and everyone. I was expected to excel at things, be
responsible, be mature before I needed to be, do things for family members
and take care of them, but never appreciated for the things I did. If my sister
did something that disturbed the calm waters, I was the one expected to
correct that. Matter of fact, I was not only expected to make things right,
but I was blamed for giving bad examples, making her do something
against her will, and not affecting her decisions. If she got into trouble it
was because of me. If a fight would happen, it was because of me. If
someone got yelled at and screamed at, it was me. I was the child who
would get all the rage from her parents simply because they had a bad day
at work, the one to be blamed because the house is not clean, as if I was the
only one who needs to take care of the home when the mother is away.
Responsibilities were never shared, and while my sister was only expected
to have good grades, I needed to do the same, along with taking care of the
home, doing chores, taking care of our animals, and going shopping. If I
asked for the chores to be shared, I was blamed for sabotaging her, as she
had better things to do and work on her talents. That was never enough, and
it was never appreciated or praised.
Golden children, on the other hand, live to tell different stories about their
childhood. The golden child or the perfect child, although raised in the
same family is the one who gets the opposite treatment. They are praised
for everything they do, they are idealized, and put on a pedestal. They are
the narcissistic father’s favorite child. They are the ones showered with
affection, attention, love and gifts. The golden child is the one who does
everything right, who is talented, gifted and worthy of praise. In other
words, they are the polar opposites of the scapegoat. However, just like the
role of a scapegoat, the role of a golden child is as equally imposed and
something the child did not choose to be. The narcissist chose them.
Contrary to the scapegoat who is opinionated, who is considered to be the
opposer, the golden child is usually the one who follows the rules and
doesn't make much fuss about what their narcissistic father expects them to
do. Furthermore, they are reinforced to follow the narcissist and give them
unlimited narcissistic supply, because the narcissist praises them, supports
them and idealizes what they do. As a result, such children grow up feeling
they deserve special treatment wherever they go, they think they are
somehow special, unique and better than others.
Siblings who grew up with narcissistic fathers frequently have completely
different perceptions of each other, their father and their childhood. While
one would say they felt invisible and sad, unappreciated, the other would
say they had the perfect childhood, that they were loved and cared for. This
is how great of a difference a narcissistic father can make and how
drastically different experiences their children have based on narcissistic
favoritism. Unfortunately, this difference in treatment not only affects how
children see themselves, but it also affects their relationship, which
becomes highly competitive and toxic from a very young age. Siblings
don’t see each other as support but as a threat and rivals. They are opposed
to each other and in a constant fight for their father's approval. All children
are unfortunately part of the endless race for approval and love from their
father. Many times, a child who is the scapegoat has many talents, but isn't
appreciated for them because it doesn’t go well with their role of being the
one who makes mistakes all the time. Conversely, the golden child may not
be as talented, by they can be praised and worshiped for the talents they do
have or things they are average at only because they are the golden child.
The roles children play are based on how obedient they are or not. While
the scapegoat usually has stronger will and is willing to speak up, in the
narcissist’s mind that needs to be suppressed so the scapegoat is more
obedient and willing to cater to their father’s wishes. Children are in
constant opposition, may grow up trying to sabotage each other, put each
other down and frequently grow apart, having a very disconnected and
distant relationship. The relationship of the scapegoat and the golden child
is not based on mutual trust, respect and sibling love, but on animosity,
hatred, jealousy, and distrust. By putting children against each other, a
narcissistic father ensures narcissistic supply from all of his children. The
scapegoats feed his ego by trying to prove themselves worthy and trying
harder to be responsible and mature, and the golden child feeds their ego by
being like them, following rules, adoring the narcissist, never questioning
their authority and ultimately, wanting to be like the narcissist. Siblings
fighting among each other for their father’s approval make him feel special
and important, which is extremely destructive for the whole family.
This war for approval, the war between the golden child who wants to be
even more adored, and the one who fights hard for crumbs of attention,
continues even in adulthood. Unfortunately, both roles have their pitfalls
and neither the scapegoat nor the golden child leave that war unbruised. The
identities that were given to them are false and it is a matter of time, usually
in early adulthood, when these false identities start creating troubles in both
the scapegoat’s and golden child's life. And although opposed their whole
lives, none of them actually gets to the top. The narcissistic treatment leaves
marks on one’s personality and requires a lot of reality-checks, self-
awareness and re-parenting, which many children can’t cope with. For the
golden child, adulthood becomes a dangerous territory they are afraid to
enter, and so many of them mature much later than their peers, staying close
to their narcissistic father and the false sense of security he has created.
Although not a general rule, it is not uncommon for these children to
develop narcissistic traits themselves, as they spend so much time trying to
be like the father. They are usually less mature, their emotions are infantile
and their reactions to not getting what they want are similar to their fathers
reactions. In this war, the golden child may even try to sabotage the
scapegoat, lie about them, put them down, make them take on the blame for
something they did and get away with things easily, something their sibling
never gets to do just for the fact that they are the family's scapegoat. It is not
uncommon for scapegoats and golden children to live completely different
lives, behave completely different and have completely different
perceptions of their own family and its members, even though they were
raised under the same roof, all due to separation made by their father. A
child of a narcissist is either constantly praised or criticized and not good
enough, and when these two polar opposites are split between two or more
children, his children get triggered into disliking their own brother or sister.
If you have a narcissistic father and this sounds familiar, the sad, painful
truth is, it is not anyone's fault. Neither of you chose to be one or the other.
You are both victims of an enlarged, hungry for attention ego that got the
chance to be attached to the role of a father. The narcissist is to be blamed
for the animosity created between you and your siblings, but growing up, it
will never seem like it is their fault, because such a father is so busy
creating the scenarios where you and your siblings need to fight for his
attention and validation. Narcissistic fathers are extremely good at it.
Because they are taught that they are special, golden children are less likely
to take on the path of healing, although they need it as much as the
scapegoat does. This is because they like to believe what they were told
they are their whole life, while the scapegoat is left drowning in self-doubt
from day one and as they grow up, they are more likely to want to
strengthen and learn to value themselves. Unfortunately, as much as being
adored by their narcissistic father makes their life seemingly easier, it can
be a great obstacle later in life, when they face the reality, and that is that
the outer world does not recognize their talents as much their father did and
it is usually in adulthood when golden children of a narcissist find it very
difficult to deal with reality, having to be treated as ordinary. Do know that
roles can be reversed as the father finds it suitable. The golden child does
get criticized and love is withdrawn from them when and if they try to
rebel. The scapegoat gets their bits and pieces of admiration when they
follow their fathers ideal, but these moments are usually short-lived. The
reversal of roles serves to reinforce the narcissistic supply. If you are a
single child, it is possible that you took on both of these roles, depending on
your behavior.
What is important to know is that neither of them is initially good or bad,
less or more loveable. They are just as equally victims of narcissism,
although it may take a different toll on them. No matter which role you
played, one of the next chapters will be dedicated to healing that is
available to all children who suffered the effects of paternal narcissism, as
all of them need to rediscover themselves, find their identity and learn what
it means to truly love themselves, without the need to be externally
validated.
 Chapter 8:
The wounds of the scapegoated child

B eing a scapegoat in my family and the ultimate black sheep, I know

first-hand how it feels to be rejected by your own family. A sense of
belonging, safety, and unconditional love are something I didn’t receive.
Growing up, I remember feeling like life is unjust most of the time. No
matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, your efforts are somehow
never good enough. If you do something great, win a contest or get a good
grade, you might get a short bravo from your father, but shortly after,
everyone in the family forgets about your great achievement and you get
back to being the scapegoat, who never does anything right. There you are,
giving your maximum effort to be seen and loved, only to get crumbs of
affection. This is the pattern that I unconsciously accepted later on, which
furthermore sealed my destiny and prevented me from gaining the success I
now know I deserve. just like everyone else. It always confused me how
people outside our family would perceive my father as the amazing dad and
my family the ideal family, when I was living in that home, feeling sad,
invisible and anxious every day of my life. I thought, well it must be that I
am imagining things, it must be that I am really bad. I was the one who
overreacts, who is overly sensitive and who imagines things. Little did I
know.
If you are the scapegoat, you are constantly hushed, your sense of fashion is
unacceptable, you are antisocial, the weird one, the bad student, the clumsy,
the stupid, you name it. You are the one who carries the blame on your
shoulder for the things you did not do and things you shouldn’t be
responsible for. You are responsible for your brother or sister, for family
pets and their wellbeing, for hygiene at home, for your father's health.
Whatever crisis your family went through, you were probably in the middle
of the battlefield, the one to be blamed. You are never good enough, the one
who deeply believes that you need to be perfect or you will never be loved.
The one that needs to stay silent and tone down the voice if something feels
unfair, the one who has no right to voice your opinion. And growing up,
you probably wanted to fight for your equality, even as a child, by voicing
how you feel, only to be put down and criticized for it.
Scapegoats feel unloved, unseen, unappreciated and unheard very early on
in their childhood. They grow up thinking they are somehow not important,
and not understanding why. Deprived of attention and loving from their
father, invisible to the entire family, and conditioned to believe that they are
somehow inherently bad or not good enough, these children grow up to
have very low self-esteem, distorted images of oneself and lack of belief in
one's talents and abilities. Children of narcissistic fathers are never loved
for who they are, but for how well they cater to him, and in case the of the
scapegoated child, their father’s conditional love reaches extremes and
creates a negative self-image, destroys and diminishes the child’s self-
respect and self-love. Matter of fact, scapegoats find it very difficult to love
themselves later in life, no matter how much they have achieved or how
hard they have worked. Just like the golden child who thinks everyone
should cater to them, the scapegoat feels like no matter how much they
improve themselves, they are always one step behind everyone else. They
don’t recognize their talents and skills, as they were discouraged to pursue
their passions or their talents were never given attention. This twisted
perception of themselves is linked to poor self-image, lack of assertiveness,
anxiety, fear of being judged and rejected, which is how they were raised to
be. Many of us scapegoats suffered from depression, as we were made to
believe that we are simply not loveable for who we are. This translates into
all interpersonal relationships we have later in life. The inability to set and
voice one's boundaries and the learned role of the scapegoat, unfortunately,
bring more people who treat us just like our father did. Many of the
relationships scapegoats have are a projection of their relationships with the
father, and so, unfortunately, it is not uncommon for them to end up in
toxic, abusive relationships, with emotionally unavailable people who see
them as their narcissistic father does - as scapegoats. This way, the effects
of paternal narcissism take a much larger scale and learned behavior
transpired in all other areas of a scapegoat’s life until they become ready to
re-parent themselves.
Because you have your own inner guidance that something is wrong or
right, every time you felt like voicing it and standing up for yourself as a
child you would be punished and made very guilty. The scapegoat is the
child who feels the rage of their father while watching him treat other
siblings with kindness and love. They are the ones who are ashamed of
themselves, disappointed in themselves and those children who feel lonely
in their own homes. If your sibling did something wrong, you were
probably the one to be blamed for it. A narcissistic father uses guilt traps,
gaslighting, offensive comments, and blame games to make you stay silent
and stop threatening their sense of grandiosity. This is the child who
receives the silent treatment the most of all family members. If you needed
something from your father, you probably had to work for it twice as hard
to prove yourself to them. The scapegoat, because they have more trouble
following rules, are the ones who need to fulfill more terms and conditions
than other children. Narcissistic fathers constantly compare the scapegoat to
other children, and in that comparison, put their own child on the lowest
levels of comparison charts. Why can’t you be more like your sister or
brother is a common comparison and can be very hurtful, as the child is
made to feel like they are less than, the less important child and the less
valuable one.
The dynamic of the relationship between the narcissistic father and the
scapegoat is rooted in the narcissist's shadow side, his deepest fears and
insecurities. He not only sees this child as a threat to his imaginary
authority and sense of grandiosity, but he also sees and projects his own
fears onto the child. The scapegoated child is the embodiment of his fears
and as such, it needs to be punished, criticized and rejected. The scapegoate
child may be very talented and have a great potential for success, much
greater than the golden child, but in the narcissists’ mind, this potential
needs to be tamed and kept under control, as no one else gets to be the star
but himself. This is why the child who is like him and worships him, is the
perfect child who gets to be worshiped, as that child is more likely to be his
follower and never take on the lead role. Children of narcissistic fathers are
either a projection of his wishes and dreams, in which the child worships
him and fulfills his ambitions, or his fears, where the child stands up for
itself, confronts him or gets to have the center stage. The scapegoat feels
unloved and will do anything to gain their father’s appreciation and love,
especially at a young age, and so they will put more effort into being more
worthy of their father’s affection. This feeds the father’s ego and acts and
becomes counterproductive for the child, because the narcissist feels
important when their child fights so hard to win their affection, and so they
will withdraw their praise even more, making the scapegoat feel even more
unworthy.
One of the hardest things for a child to understand is why are they so
marginalized and why they don’t receive love from their father. It is hard to
find reasoning why, despite all the effort to be better, work harder and be
responsible, even when some responsibilities are not your burden to bear,
you feel unloved and abandoned by your father. What you need to know is
that you were chosen to be the scapegoat for a reason, but that reason is not
what you thought. You were chosen because as a child you had an
independent spirit, which posed a threat to your narcissistic father. The
scapegoat is not the child who is bad, less talented or unlovable, but a child
who has strong willpower, a child who questions and resists authority and a
child who, from a very young age, has a strong inner compass for what is
right and wrong. Children who are chosen for this role also have a higher
inclination to be highly empathetic, and therefore easier to manipulate
through blaming and guilt, as they are more likely to internalize blame.
These children are less willing to obey, especially if they find something is
unjust, and these traits defy the narcissist and his manipulation attempts.
Because of these traits, the scapegoat won’t cater to their father and enable
them with the constant narcissistic supply by giving constant admiration, so
they will be dismissed, discarded, criticized and put down for opposing the
narcissist.
A narcissistic father programs all his children to cater to him one way or the
other. The narcissistic father wants you to be below them. They don’t want
you to grow up to be a strong, independent individual who speaks their
truth. Narcissists are predatory people and every relationship they have,
including relationships with their children, is a constant battle for power
where they have to be the winner. Your virtues are turned against you,
solely for the purpose of your father having to prove to himself how
grandiose and important he is. The programing of the scapegoated child is
such that their justice-seeking, caring and empathetic nature is not
nourished, but used against them. They grow up catering to other people's
needs and in this way, the father’s programming finds a way to intoxicate
all the future relationships. They are programmed to take care of other
people and believe it is their responsibility to enable other people, take care
of their emotional wellbeing and take all the responsibility for the success
of the relationship onto themselves. If a scapegoat fails to do so, and tries to
put themselves, their needs and wants before others, they will feel an
immense amount of guilt and shame. They will live their lives trying to
please other people only to escape feeling these negative emotions because
they are taught that caring for oneself is selfish. Until we start healing, we
end up in toxic, one-sided and abusive relationships with selfish
individuals, narcissists, psychopaths, emotionally unavailable and
manipulative people, because of this false belief that we are to blame if
something goes wrong. We need to prove to someone that we are lovable by
taking care of their needs and fixing relationships. We become a magnet for
people who treat us like our father did because we don’t know that love and
genuine relationships feel good and replenish our spirit. We don’t know
what true love is because, in our subconscious mind, we need to earn it, and
to earn it we need to put everyone else before us. Relationships end up
draining us and only rarely nourishing us back.
Most of these children are forced to grow up faster because of all the
responsibility and guilt that has been placed upon them. They believe being
spontaneous or failing at something is a disaster that only proves how
unworthy they are because that is how they were raised. When they grow
up, scapegoats take criticism to heart and take rejection much more
personally, for which they are sometimes deemed by their peers as being
too sensitive. Paternal narcissism is an invisible threat to a child’s integrity
and identity, which shows in adulthood, and because it is so hard to pinpoint
what exactly is wrong in one’s upbringing, scapegoats rarely find
understanding and compassion from people around them.
If you are a scapegoat, because you so deeply believe that to be loved you
need to be perfect, more successful or better looking , you may find it hard
to enjoy life the way others do. You are taught to believe that only
perfection is worthy of admiration and that you can’t be loved just for being
who you are. Scapegoats grow up learning to accept the blame and guilt
that was never theirs to begin with, but they also frequently become
overachievers, where they are constantly hunting for the next big thing that
will help them prove to their fathers that they were wrong, which they don’t
know is impossible to achieve. And while they are constant overachievers,
no matter how successful they become, scapegoats always feel like
something is missing, like that success is somehow not enough, finding it
hard to praise themselves for all the hard work they have done. Many of us
develop perfectionism that is mostly directed inwards. Many take on more
than they can carry, take responsibilities for other people, solving their
problems and being scapegoats for everyone, which is one of the ways
narcissistic fathers deem their scapegoated children to failure. These
children don’t put themselves first and they believe acknowledging their
needs and wants is selfish, feeling guilty and ashamed in moments when
they do try to take care of themselves because that is what their father
taught them. In adulthood, when the scapegoat manages to live
independently, until the healing process takes place and they learn to
reestablish themselves, many associate themselves with friends or partners
who, just like their father, demand to take the center stage, dominate and
take emotional or other resources from the scapegoat. What you've learned
by being the scapegoated child is hard to shake off. The combination of
pressure to succeed and prove one’s worth, while feeling unlovable,
rejecting one’s needs and taking on too many responsibilities ultimately
leads not only to low self-esteem, but to depression and anxiety. The toll
paternal narcissism takes on a child is huge, and goes way beyond what you
experience in the family. Depression, suicidal thoughts, loss of faith in the
world around you and yourself, loss of trust and hope and failed attempts to
rebuild oneself are just some of these devastating effects. Scapegoated
children find it difficult to heal, because they see setbacks in the healing
process as failures, as they are hard on themselves due to the difficult
upbringing they had.
Ultimately, as a scapegoat, you feel like you don’t matter. Like you are not
important. You are invisible and feel like a failure, despite all the success
you have achieved. As you grow old, you learn that being raised by a
narcissistic father and being a scapegoat for many other people in your life,
that the only person you can rely on is yourself. But you also learn that the
only person you have is you, which is one of the first steps to healing. One
day, you wake up and feel like you don’t want to let yourself down, and that
you don’t want to let a narcissist shape your life anymore. And one day you
decide to give yourself the love you always deserved, without waiting on
your father to tell you how great you are, and how after all, you are a child
worthy of love and admiration. You stop wanting to make your family
proud, but instead shift your focus on being gentle with yourself and being
proud of how far you’ve come. Because you have, and you deserve to be
happy.
 Chapter 9:
Narcissistic fathers, their sons, and daughters

T here is an unwritten rule in society that having a father, no matter how

emotionally and mentally healthy or capable of raising a child he is, is
better than having no father figure at all. Fathers are harshly judged only in
cases of complete abandonment and physical violence, and so narcissistic
abuse is usually off the radar. Narcissistic fathers do not differentiate their
children only based on how threatened they are by a child's qualities or how
well the child fits into their idealized image. Besides setting up their
children for scapegoat or golden child programming, they treat their boys
and girls differently. Because a narcissist wants to be recognized in society,
they want their child to succeed and right the wrongs, proving the world
how truly amazing they are, by living through their children. Since
narcissistic fathers can’t build love-based relationships, this inability creates
a dysfunctional dynamic in how they relate to children of both sexes.
Because their children are an extension of themselves, the narcissist sees
and treats them as belongings rather than children with their own needs,
thoughts, and emotions. Although children of both sex can be scapegoated
or seen as perfect children and both suffer from the same psychological and
emotional consequences, the narcissistic father relates differently to their
sons and daughters, and the following text will give insight as to how.
Narcissistic father-daughter relationships
We have mentioned the malicious nature of their personality and their
predatory approach, where they use a child’s weakness against them. In
society, fathers are seen as protectors, providers, mature, wise and stable,
and this is something the narcissist knows how to use to their advantage.
Their girls are not only seen as property but because of the societal image
of what the role of a father is, they are, in their father’s eyes, easier to
manipulate under the parole: I just want to keep you safe from the
harsh, cruel world that can only harm you. The world is a dangerous
place, so these girls need to stay protected and safe from harm where, in
reality, the real danger is the manipulator who raises them. The narcissist is
a master of disguise, and frequently, everyone who is not a family member
will see them as caring fathers who try their best to make a stable
foundation for their daughters - they are their rock and greatest support. As
a result, their daughters are overprotected, grow up to be fearful and
anxious about asserting themselves, frequently feeling unworthy of love,
success or happiness.
Such a father doesn’t want their daughters to grow up or become
independent as that means losing narcissistic supply. They will do anything
to keep you small and make you believe you can’t take care of yourself, so
naturally, every attempt to be your own person and grow up will be
discouraged and sabotaged. Nothing matters more than staying in control
and nothing matters less than how you feel and what path you’d like to
follow. One survivor I talked to had a father who would constantly criticize
her for spending money and not becoming independent like all her peers.
And yet, every time she attempted to break free and become independent,
her father would say she is not capable enough, mature enough and that she
won’t be able to do it on her own without family financial support. This
mind game not only diminishes all efforts of authenticity, but it also ensures
a stable narcissistic supply - You depend on me, so I will make sure
you feel bad about it, and yet I will sabotage every effort you make
in trying to be self-reliant. A narcissist, just like in all other areas of life,
has an idealized image of how they want to be treated, and in a family
environment this means they want to be the ones everyone worships, listens
to and respects.
They want a perfect family they think they deserve, where their daughters
fit the image of daughters from Hollywood movies, who are sweet, humble,
nicely dressed, don’t rebel against norms or their father’s expectations. If
your father wanted you to be a feminine, nice behaving lady, and you
happened to be the artistic type with your own fashion sense, they probably
would make sure you feel horrible about the way you look. Narcissistic
fathers keep their daughters small, by putting them down, discouraging
them and dismissing anything that deviates from their own perception of
how a daughter should be. Anything that represents an expression of
individuality, be it physical looks, personal beliefs, opinions, interests,
ambitions, emotions or goals, is seen as unwanted, unacceptable and
disrespectful. Choices are not allowed. Any form of normal, healthy desire
to express oneself causes the narcissistic father to act passive-aggressive, to
rage, ignore, dismiss or punish you.
Dating and socializing is another area of scrutiny, as every person who
threatens to take away their narcissistic supply is perceived as a threat and
needs to be eliminated. Such fathers either criticize any relationships their
daughters have or act uninterested in their social life until the daughter does
something that defies the narcissist’s code of behavior, which is when the
punishment takes the form of forbidding or sabotaging their daughters right
to socialize or date. Choosing a group of friends, dating, let alone moving
out and living with your partner, are out of the question. Additionally,
narcissistic fathers may raise their daughters to distrust men in general.
Every man, except their father, is a threat, wants to use them, abuse them
and take something away, and while daughters of narcissistic fathers may
grow up thinking that men are not to be trusted, they are raised by a real
abuser. Frequently, she may even end up with narcissistic, toxic and abusive
men which makes her father's prophecy come true. What these women fail
to realize, until later in life during their healing journey, is that these are
patterns their father taught them and so they seek the same kind abusers
their father was, not knowing the real root of toxic relationships they
engage themselves in.
Many daughters grow up thinking their fathers wanted to protect them and
keep them safe, where in reality, what they discover as they grow up is that
the only thing their fathers wanted is to feel important, in control and
validated themselves. They wanted a pat on the shoulder from others for
how good of a job they did raising their girls, and they wanted to be
perceived as the authority they believed they are. These daughters are more
often than not prone to harsh self-criticism, self-sabotaging and self-
blaming behaviors later in life. One daughter of a narcissistic father I had a
chance to meet struggled with anorexia and depression, as her father pushed
her to be a model from the age of thirteen. She wasn’t allowed to play
volleyball as that wasn’t very feminine and won’t flatter her body, which is
one of many examples that speaks to how toxic and destructive being raised
by someone who has NPD really is. That is something we will dive more
into in the chapter that follows.
Narcissistic father-son relationship
While their little girls are manipulated under the narcissist’s parole I am
your protector, I will keep you safe from harm, their boys are raised in
a different manner. Projection, in the case of father-son relationships,
becomes even more visible, as the son is not only the person who can make
his father look great, but he is also the object onto which the narcissistic
father rejects his masculinity and every masculine trait he sees in himself.
His desire to dominate, win, gain power, success, and recognition get a
more aggressive expression in relation to his son.
Because, in his mind, a narcissistic father’s genius and talent are not
recognized, he wants his son to prove to the outer world that he, his blood,
is the powerful genius he believes himself to be. In other words, he projects
his grandiosity and lives through his son, wanting his own child to be a
living example of his narcissistic grandiose ideals. He does this by
teaching him how to be a real man, glorifying overly assertive and
pushy behavior, ruthless dominance, rage, anger and other unacceptable
ways of acting and relating to others. He encourages his son to push the
limits, regardless of how the child feels about it, even inappropriately
aggressive and confrontational behavior beyond the child's natural comfort
zone and regardless of their temperament. This is a projection, as
supporting such behavior reflects the way he himself protects his imaginary
authority - through placing his authority upon others and gaining control
over them. However, promoting and advocating for behavior does not rely
on encouragement, real support and healthy buildingof the child's self-
esteem through collaboration, but on negative emotions and reactions such
as fear, anger, rage, guilt, anxiety, stress or blame. He teaches his daughters
that he, their narcissistic father, is the ultimate provider and the safe harbor
they can trust. He does the same with his sons, but in a slightly different
way. He teaches his daughter to fear the exterior world, and their son to hate
and feel threatened by the outer world, which is exactly the mixture of
emotions he, himself, feels. He portrays other people as a vile competition,
an endless tournament where there can be only one winner, which is his
son.
Being emotionally distant and unable to empathize, he tries to program his
son to discard his own emotions and be ashamed of them, regardless of the
child's true affectionate nature. Emotions need to be ignored, suppressed
and stand in contrast to masculine roles the narcissist wants their son to take
on. Even though the father may have a seemingly emotional bond with his
son, this bond usually revolves around negative feelings and represents, just
like with other family members, a roller coaster of shame, guilt, and anger
versus adoration, glorification, and idealization. A child’s true emotions,
unless they are a reflection of how the father feels, are dismissed, ignored
and if confessed, usually criticized, made fun of or made irrelevant.
Ultimately, he wants his son to claim the dominance and recognition in the
world he did not succeed in getting – he lives through his son, at his own
child’s expense. Just like with his daughter, his son’s natural talents,
temperament, affectionate nature, thoughts and character are not taken into
account, and can frequently be harshly criticized. Behind the mask of a
father who wants the best for his son - the best career, status recognition,
the idea of ideal love - lies a selfish man, who wants to see part of him be
revived and get a second chance to earn the alpha male recognition through
his son. In relation to women, he may teach his son to disrespect, distrust,
take what he needs from them, seduce and use them by telling tales of bad
examples and experiences he has had or covertly, by putting his wife down
or blaming her for all the upheaval the family has experienced. In his own
mind, he is usually the great seducer and charmer and that is what he wants
his son to become, as he is his living legacy and an object he lives through
and a chance to redeem himself. When the son fails to fulfill his
expectations, however, his narcissistic father gets enraged, dismisses,
punishes and ignores the child as he himself is living through his son’s
failure or rejection. You are weak. You will never become a man. You
are a failure. No one will ever respect you. You are a
disappointment. You let them win. You let them humiliate you. You
are a coward. You let them take the prize. Instead of offering his child
support during challenging times, which he is unable to do, he amplifies the
failure as he feels it himself. It is never about his son, but it is about him, as
deep down, he has experienced rejection, humiliation or failure and this
seriously threatens his enlarged ego and doesn't sit well with his agenda. As
a result, the son feels an immense amount of shame, embarrassment, and
guilt, and will, as a result, try hard not to disappoint his father again, and by
doing so he is giving the father the ultimate narcissistic supply.
 Chapter 10:
The effects of paternal narcissism on children

U nfortunately, the devastating effect of paternal narcissism doesn't stop

in family, but it expands into adulthood, whether or not there is direct
contact with the father. Narcissistic fathers leave a big mark on their
children, and so each aspect of their lives mirrors and repeats this unhealthy
father-child relationship and learned patterns to an extent. Children who
have such a parent can sense the effects of toxic paternal relationships in
their friendships, love life, career and life choices. Such upbringing leaves
an imprint on one's psyche in a few ways I will talk about below.
Before you start reading, just know this - Your childhood wasn’t your
choice and the life you are living now is a reflection of the many years of
limitation, negative conditioning and mistreatment you have received. If the
content below becomes triggering, remember that it is ok to feel the way
you feel and to feel triggered. Know that I have felt the same way and that
there are other fellow survivors who understand you on a deep level. You
may feel like an injustice has been done to you, you may feel life is unfair
because you didn't get to choose a better life for yourself when you were
younger. You may feel anger or sadness. Whatever you feel, you allow
yourself to embrace the feeling. These are natural responses so be gentle
with yourself. That is part of your journey and there is nothing shameful or
weak about you if you have experienced or are experiencing any of the
following effects of being raised by a narcissistic father. Take a deep breath,
here we go.
 Engaging in unhealthy relationships
Do you feel like your friends and partners are using you?
Do you feel emotionally drained by most people you closely relate
to?
Do they make you feel guilty or bad about yourself?
Do you feel like your partners and friends don’t care much about
you?
Do you feel unloved and unappreciated by them?

If you have found yourself surrounded by friends or partners who used you,
were selfish, deceitful or manipulative and you are a child of a narcissistic
father, it might comfort you to know that your choice of partners or friends
wasn’t your fault. Your choice of people is part of your programming and a
continuation of the role your father gave you. Here is how.
Children of narcissistic fathers attach their ability to give and receive love
to their ability to provide for others, many times not getting the same in
return from their partners. Narcissistic fathers make their children feel like
whatever they do isn’t enough, and so once they reach adulthood, they will
stretch themselves too thin in order to maintain toxic, one-sided
relationships and friendships. They will crave love the same way they
craved it from their father, where nothing was ever enough and they were
taken advantage of or unappreciated.
They surround themselves with energy vampires who will always make
them feel like what they are giving is not enough They are prone to be
gaslighted, frequently in a position where they are taken advantage of, used,
abused, manipulated or lied to, because that is the shadow they have been
living under their whole life. One feels drawn, repelled and obligated to
engage in activities and relationships that don’t favor them at the same time
and many close interactions reflect the father-child relationship, on more or
less conscious levels. Relationships feel like a prison that is hard to escape,
yet the prison one continuously puts themselves in is due to the inability to
receive love as they were never taught how to. At the end of each
relationship, one feels unheard, mistreated, used and abandoned, just like
they felt in the family.
Through shame and guilt, two major tools used for programming a child's
behavioral responses, the narcissist also creates the predisposition for failed
or abusive relationships their children have. These children, including
myself, before the healing occurs can find it extremely hard to say no to
people. This inability to say no to other people's demands is extremely
draining and can create the perfect base for anxiety, frustration, and
depression. Because we were taught that living for ourselves and
acknowledging our needs is selfish and bad, and because love is conditional
and needs to be earned, we would often go out of our way to please other
people and put their needs before our own. Furthermore, it may even be
difficult to identify, understand and accept our needs, as it is not uncommon
to immerse ourselves into other people and merge identities with them, just
as we did with our father. This subconscious mechanism drives us to
believe that doing things for others, doing favors, salvaging relationships
and fighting for them, will bring us love and recognition because we don’t
know any better. Our worth depends on how well we manage to satisfy
other people's demands and respond to their needs, and we may even seek
out people who are very dramatic, attention-seeking and demanding as a
result of that subconscious need. This way, narcissistic fathers extend their
toxicity which continues to take a toll on our mental health. In other words,
it is guilt, rather than love that drives most of our relationships until we
recognize that we are repeating lessons our father taught us.
Children of narcissistic parents have a belief that if they worked harder at
bettering themselves, if they had been a better partner or a friend, and
accommodated other people’s needs more, they would get a different
outcome other than failed relationships. They genuinely think other
people’s problems are their responsibilities and all upheavals their fault and
their burden to carry, while feeling unloved, uncared for and unappreciated
by the same people they put before themselves.
While they take on responsibility for every failure in their personal life,
they also take the blame that comes with it, and take downfalls as proof that
they didn't give their best. They think they always could have done more,
while ironically giving their last atoms of strength to cater to other people's
needs. Because they were not valued and they spent their whole childhood
enabling and providing narcissistic supply, they don’t feel valuable unless
they are in the role of a caretaker, frequently seeking romantic partners that
are unavailable, need help, salvation or to be fixed. More so, they have the
compulsion to fix and take responsibility for other people's actions, as they
truly believe it is their fault if the relationship goes wrong.
The place in other people's lives is not given freely, but needs to be earned
by investing and trying hard to make it work, even if the other party isn’t
giving back the same effort, or is even abusing this caretaker quality. One’s
value is directly linked to their ability to fix and change someone or win
their love by trying hard and going above and beyond for them. In reality,
people they engage with are hardly ever changing and the child of a
narcissist will see rejection and failure as their own fault and the proof that
they, after all, are not loveable.

Mental health problems

Are you struggling with depression?
Do you feel anxious and paralyzed with fear without knowing why?
Do you find it hard to participate in your own life?
Does your mood change unexpectedly and without warning?
Do you feel distant from yourself or feeling emotionally numb?

The hardest to deal with and the most dangerous effects paternal narcissism
leaves on children is depression, eating disorders, anxiety, panic attacks,
and different phobias. While depression and other mental health problems
can happen to anyone, being raised by a narcissistic father can create a
much more solid foundation for mental health issues to occur. Children of
narcissistic fathers frequently battle with mental health issues and may
display avoidant behaviors and phobias connected to the way they relate to
people and their immediate environment. Constant uncertainty, emotional
detachment and gaslighting, followed by a clouded identity, create space for
the mind of the child to turn to defense mechanisms and behavior patterns.
Because the emotional self was restricted and emotions weren’t heard or
allowed to be expressed, a child of a narcissistic father may develop
different affective disorders. We are taught that emotions mean weakness,
they are unjustified and unacceptable and so we spend a lot of mental
energy trying to be strong when we are not, which ultimately leads to
trouble with intimacy, opening up and eventually breaking down. We reject,
disrespect and diminish our emotions just as our father did. These
suppressed emotions pile up and the desire to be loved and heard becomes a
deep craving and a desire that seems impossible to achieve. Many of us are
deeply sensitive individuals, deeply empathetic and emotional, which was
not only turned against us, but continues to be a struggle if we keep
rejecting that part of us, which many of us do until we start healing.
Through completely invalidating the child, a narcissistic father creates an
ideal plot for developing depression, which is directly connected to an
overbearing sense of unworthiness, lack of self-love and lack of love
received. This is a sad but natural response to continually not being seen
and heard and living under constant pressure to be better in order to earn
love. Depression arises as a result of narcissistic parenting as a whole. Since
a child's feelings and needs were unacknowledged by primary caretakers
and providers, and they weren’t given the tools to recognize their own
needs, as adults these children can feel emotionally fatigued, numb and
dissociated from one’s own emotions until the issue is addressed. They may
find themselves unmotivated, drained, unable to cope with the world around
them and in need of isolation.
Many children also suffer from anxiety as early as in kindergarten, which
continues to follow them through the teenage years and later in adulthood.
They were raised to be confused, repressed and were controlled from an
early age which creates an inner conflict in a child as it is unable to express
itself without inhibition and live in alignment with its true self because they
are judged at home for it. When we are not cherished for who we are, we
feel abandoned and unworthy, like somehow we don’t matter, which is
exactly how a narcissistic father makes their child feel.
Children of narcissistic fathers, regardless of sex, may develop sadistic or
masochistic behavioral patterns, unconsciously seek pain and involve
themselves in situations that don’t benefit them, which further, in their mind
proves their unworthiness. They may struggle with substance abuse and
eating disorders and others may develop antisocial behaviors. There are
cases, especially with the scenarios of golden children, where a child may
become a narcissist themselves or exhibit some narcissistic traits. Being
constantly put on a pedestal and given special treatment makes them believe
that they are truly special and so they may seek the same validation they
had from their father upon reaching adulthood. They may adopt narcissistic
traits of their father and find themselves scapegoats, recreating scenarios
from their childhood.

Self-doubt
Do you second-guess yourself?
 Do you dwell on the past and judge yourself harshly for not doing
better?
Do you constantly feel stuck in life, finding it hard to make a
decision?

Constant gaslighting leaves marks and living in a constant state of

numbness, being unable to go with the flow of life, second-guessing one's
intuition and perception are just some of these marks. People who were
raised by a narcissist commonly struggle with self-doubt, which reflects not
only in their relationship with the father and family members, but transpires
in other areas of life as well. The inability to trust oneself and one’s own
judgment makes it difficult for those people to make even the simplest
decisions. Big life decisions such as choosing a college major, moving
places or getting married are areas where one feels unsafe, simply because
there is a lack of self-assurance and a fear of making the wrong decision.
The narcissistic father usually was the one trying to impose his will onto the
child and in adulthood, this creates a blockage to perceiving what feels
right, what is good or bad for one’s well-being. Even when a decision is
made, there is a tendency to dwell on it and second-guess the choice made,
especially if prior to choosing a certain direction one pops into an obstacle
or a temporary setback. These setbacks are human, but someone who was
raised by a narcissistic father may see them as fatal and an ultimate proof
that the decision they have made is wrong.
There is a constant inner battle that takes away a lot of mental and
emotional energy. You may feel constantly stuck, not knowing which way
to go and not trusting yourself enough to make the decisions for yourself.
There was always someone who knew better for you, so it is hard to believe
that you are perfectly capable of making choices for yourself. If your father
is a narcissist you may find yourself constantly swinging back and forth
between decisions, not knowing what you truly want. As bizarre it may
sound to others who came from healthier family environments, for someone
like you and me, knowing exactly what we want can be immensely difficult.
Children of narcissistic fathers frequently feel stuck between a rock and a
hard place, while not knowing exactly what the rock and the hard place are.
There is an extreme amount of mental pressure to make the right choice and
so we may be trapped in paralysis for a very long time. The “I wish I had
done that or didn’t do this” thought creates a vicious circle of regret and
feeds the self-doubt, expanding it even more.

The inability to love oneself

Do you think you are complicated or hard to love?
Do you expect perfection from yourself?
Have you ever thought something is wrong with you?

While self-love comes naturally to those who grew up in healthy families,

when a family has a narcissist and he happens to take the main role as the
head of the household, a child feels from a very young age that they are
somehow strange and different from other kids, especially when they have a
role of the scapegoat. Since the love they received was always conditional,
they don’t understand how self-love feels, believing it must be earned by
accomplishing one's goals and dreams, just like the love they receive from
other people is. The image of themselves their father has created lives in
their subconscious, and so children of narcissists fail to see, recognize and
love their talents and their own worth. I have encountered so many of them
who are beyond successful and have a life many would envy them for, and
yet they don’t love themselves, they don’t love their lives and don’t
celebrate their success. This is because they don’t know how to. They
believe that to be truly happy means to be perfect - to believe one is worthy,
one needs to achieve incredible success and prove themselves to be
extraordinary. Being human is not enough. Ironically enough, this never
good enough complex creates blockages for pursuing goals that one truly
cares about, while they may find themselves making other achievements
relatively easy. This goes back to their father’s conditioning, where one side
of a child's personality was praised and the other dismissed. As a result, the
dismissed part of the self can’t be fully expressed and not only that - it is
followed by a disbelief in one's abilities to achieve what makes their heart
sing. Some are so sadly scared of failing and disappointing themselves and
their family that they don’t even try to pursue certain goals, which keeps
them stuck for a long time.
Lack of self-love creates another loop of negative patterns, which is the
loop of self-sabotage and self-blame in adulthood. I have been told
countless times by my closest friends that they wish they could make me
see myself the way they see me. Children of narcissistic fathers don't
believe they are anyone special, and may even think everyone else is way
better than them, someone who is even doing much less than they are,
simply because they weren’t recognized in their family as such when they
were children. They not only find it hard to trust in their abilities and
talents, but they find it hard to believe their own judgment. Learning how to
follow the inner guide we all have is difficult, but it is even more difficult if
you were raised by a narcissistic parent. Narcissistic fathers are harshly and
unjustly critical and need to be in control of their children's lives. This
leaves very little space for freedom of expression and thought and a lot of
space for self-doubt and even self-hate. If you always see yourself in a
negative light, feeling stuck in life while unable to move, this is because
your parents failed to give you a valid prize and acknowledge your
achievements. Many of us who had toxic upbringing fail to battle the
nagging feeling of unworthiness, but that does not prove that we are
actually, truly unworthy.

Unclear identity
Do you find it hard to identify and understand yourself and your
needs?
Does your life feel directionless?
Do you find it hard to define who you are?
Do you feel like your identity is constantly in a crisis?
Do you feel like you don’t fit in or belong anywhere?

Unclear identity is notable both in social interactions and set of personal

beliefs. What comes naturally to other children may be postponed for those
who were raised by a narcissistic father. You may feel as if you are
endlessly floating in life. The real you was suppressed so it is natural that it
is difficult to fit in and find out who you are. Your goals may frequently
change. If you had goals, you may find that they don’t satisfy you, which
leaves a sense of emptiness. A lack of meaning and direction in life is
frequent for those who were raised by narcissistic fathers, as their identity
and the inner child never got a chance to be accepted and nourished. Things
you did for a long period of time may not be as fulfilling and you may feel
clueless as to who you are and what you want. While others stroll through
life following its natural flow, children of narcissistic fathers spend a lot of
mental energy trying to figure out what they want and who they are. They
feel lost, struggle with a sense of belonging anywhere and may feel deeply
dissatisfied about their lives, even if on the outside everything seems to be
smooth sailing for them. It is not uncommon for them to feel rejected by
social groups, to feel uncomfortable in their own skin and among groups.
Troubles socializing, associating with others and social anxiety are some of
the ways a lack of clear identity blocks one from living a fulfilling authentic
life. If they were compared to other children from a young age, as adults
they may continue this unhealthy habit, thinking everyone else is better than
them, associating with people with troublesome backgrounds or friends
who are approved by their father. Some avoid social interactions altogether
due to a sense of personal imperfection and inadequacy. Others may
develop social chameleon traits trying to adapt, again, due to lack of clear
identity, as one does not know who they are so they may find it difficult to
associate with others in an authentic manner.
You were told who you are and you were given a role, so once you are old
enough to make your own choices you don’t know how to free yourself
from the projected ideals and given identity you took on for so long. This is
a subconscious process, as we are made to believe that somehow who we
truly are is something to be ashamed of and something that needs to stay in
control, as no one is going to love us if we display these traits that are
authentic to ourselves.
We all have the inner compass that guides us, but in this case, that compass
was metaphorically taken away from us, so we could be easier to
manipulate into fulfilling a destiny that is not ours to fulfill. Anger,
frustration and the nagging feeling like you are running out of time are all
connected to harsh conditioning and limitations you as a child received. It is
very difficult for children of narcissists to understand exactly what they
want, as the expectations and the pressure that was inflicted on them is in
direct opposition with what the child truly desires and wants from day one.
Their peers may look at them as clueless or confused, which furthermore
deepens the wound their father created. Scapegoats are not the only ones
who struggle with an identity crisis. Golden children too have an unclear
self-image, wondering why people are not always recognizing their talents,
as they were raised to believe they are special. These individuals are finding
it immensely hard to be in sync with their true identities as they weren't
given a chance to separate themselves from the parenting they received.
What they do may seem like success and the life they live may seem
fulfilling, but because they unconsciously embrace the role they were given
as children, many end up feeling lost and depressed because of this inner
conflict that perpetually pulls them in two different directions.
 Negative self-talk
Do you feel like a failure?
Do you frequently give in to inner criticism?
Do you dwell on past mistakes and failures, while failing to give
yourself credit for the success you achieved?
Do you feel like whatever you do is never good enough?

I know how it feels, I have been there. Being constantly blamed for
everything that happens in your family and for things that are beyond your
control results in constant-self-blame in adulthood. I can’t do this. I am
not talented enough. Everyone hates me. I can never find
happiness. I don’t have what it takes to land that job. I am not
attractive enough to find love. I am too sensitive. It is my fault that
didn’t work out. If I only tried harder. You name it. Children are
selfless and they are like sponges, whatever they are surrounded by they
absorb. When that something is negative and blocks their growth, it soon
becomes the unconscious pattern of negative self-talk we are frequently
unaware of. What we are told is wrong with us becomes what we personally
think needs to be fixed. We believe we are not good enough the way we are
and that somehow we don’t deserve all the good things in life. We believe
that people who are happy must be special or somehow better than us
because our parents, the father and his flying monkeys failed to be our
guide and help us navigate our personal development in a healthy manner.
Constantly suppressed feeling of unworthiness creates a loop of negative
thoughts, as one believes they are not good enough, successful or attractive
enough, seeing themselves in a negative light even when that is far from
truth.
Developing a negative self-talk is a very natural response to paternal
narcissism. Every conviction we had about ourselves as children
internalizes and finds ways to sabotage our happiness in the future. Our
father speaks through us even once we break ties with him. These false
beliefs we have about who we are, how good and lovable we are, are deep-
rooted and we may or may not be aware of them. Because we believed as
children that we are somehow not enough the way we are, we tend to
develop harsh inner critics and perfectionism, which together threaten to do
even more damage to our mental health. We strive to be perfect and achieve
grandiose goals, we overwork and take a lot of burdens to carry along the
way while not giving ourselves credit for all the hard work we have done
and even criticizing ourselves for not doing better. Negative-self talk is
based on false beliefs and we are usually not aware of why we feel the way
we do. And that is ok.

Social withdrawal and feelings of inadequacy

Do you feel alone in this world?
Are you deeply afraid of rejection and take criticism to heart?
Do you feel like you are not good enough to be accepted by others?
Do you feel frequent need to isolate yourself from others?

Feeling inadequate is common for us who were ignored and mistreated as

children. The treatment we received from our father and our family in
general leaves us feeling like outcasts. Being rejected, dismissed and
discarded by those who were supposed to love us selflessly creates a belief
system that is hard to shake in teenage years and in adulthood. What was
once criticism and a blame game at home becomes a fear of being
abandoned, rejected and judged by others when we are older. The trick to
this pattern of thoughts is that we truly believe we are less than good and
that something is inherently wrong with us. We try to be perfect and do our
best, and so we become highly sensitive to criticism and take rejection far
harder than other people do. Being rejected your whole life is something not
many understand as there is a premise that family, just because you have
one, is a safe and a healthy place where you can feel the most like yourself.
People forget that sometimes it is our fathers who teach us to be submissive
and obedient instead of building our self-confidence. If they fail to secure
the base for our emotional and mental growth, later in life we may
frequently experience feelings of embarrassment, shame, rejection or
humiliation. The world can feel just as harsh and unloving as our father
was, may leave us just as confused as he did, simply because we were
manipulated and controlled from a very young age.
Many who struggled with narcissistic mistreatment in childhood frequently
have a desire to hide away from the world and withdraw into a shell where
no one can hurt or betray us. This shell is a protective mechanism we
subconsciously created for self-preservation when we were children, and in
adulthood, even when we still don’t need it, we are scared to leave it
behind. It is our safe zone, and because we believed that no one cares for
us, we felt unlovable, invisible, inadequate or rejected by our own father we
think, in the back of our mind, that the other world is as harsh and critical as
he or our family was. Feeling like you don’t belong anywhere and a fear
that people will reject us is fairly common and a normal response to the
parenting style you have received. This happens because of the merged
identities and projections narcissistic fathers placed upon us, which cause
difficulty in being truly open, sociable and authentic with people around us.
Even when we are with people we feel isolated, distant and frequently
anxious, which can lead to loneliness, feeling misunderstood and feeling
rejected by peers, which is just another way in which our father’s
narcissism affects us without their direct involvement. Our fathers taught us
that being ourselves and expressing our true thoughts, needs and desires is
somehow bad or wrong and needs to be under control, and so as we grow
up that gets transformed into a fear of rejection and a false belief that we
can’t be loved and accepted as we truly are. As a result, we struggle with
anxiety and without knowing it keep on doing what our father did - we keep
his tradition by unconsciously rejecting ourselves. Even those who are
surrounded by a lot of people and have many friends and acquaintances,
feelings of inner loneliness are still there. We either take on certain
identities we believe are acceptable and try to mold ourselves to be
someone we feel is acceptable and adequate, or we decide to retreat from
the world, feeling deeply rejected. In both cases, we are not being authentic,
and as long that feeling stays with us, the fear of abandonment, judgment,
and rejection will stay as well.
Rejection and being judged by others is taken as another proof of self-
unworthiness, and it is hard to cope with, as all living beings need love and
nurturing to blossom. When you are stripped of that early on and it happens
to continue later, you feel like moving forward in life is a very hard task.
Being isolated and relating to more toxic individuals, as mentioned above,
can make the healing process even more difficult, as those who have a very
little support system, find it hard to extract all their strength to move
forward. Although highly unpleasant and painful, it might comfort you to
know that you are not alone in your loneliness because that's how we all
have felt at some point or even throughout our whole lives. Again, it is yet
another part of your conditioning and not a picture of who you are.
Remember that all our relationships with other individuals or groups are
just a reflection of our relationships with our fathers and not a reflection of
our worth and true selves. We are all likable and we all belong somewhere,
it’s just that finding a sense of belonging first to oneself through embracing
our authenticity, and then embracing people can require detours from our
original path and belief system.

Helplessness
Do you feel like you have very little control over your life?
Do you feel tired of trying to be strong and make things better?
Does life feel like a constant battle?
Do you feel like life is against you?

When your father is a narcissist, you are constantly pulled in two directions
- one that is natural, true and authentic to you, and a second one which is
influenced by his toxic parenting. Because he is the person you are
supposed to lean on and rely on for help, just as any child, you may find
that you believe his word. As you get older, develop opinions, attitudes and
gain more and more independence, you feel more and more pressure
without knowing why. The pressure to do something with your life.
Pressure to succeed. Pressure to move, make changes and choices for
yourself. And yet you feel stuck. You have a life before you and you are
immobile and paralyzed. Children of narcissistic fathers often tend to feel
as if they are somehow restricted to live their life to the fullest as whatever
they do will never bring them favorable results. This is because of the
restriction imposed on them and this helplessness is a learned helplessness,
which means that it is not the reality, but a sort of mental imprisonment a
child has learned to live with. Because the narcissistic father needs
validation and a narcissistic supply from the child, they will restrict the
child from expressing themselves and sabotage all attempts the child makes
to change how they are treated. In a narcissist's eyes, a child's free will is a
threat and them changing to accommodate their own child means that they
no longer have the control, but it's given to the child and that is something
they can’t allow.
If they give in to a child's displays of affection for too long, they believe
they are somehow giving their authority away. If they punish the child for
too long, they are afraid to lose the narcissistic supply, so they may do
something to hoover the child back. No matter if the child tries to be more
considerate, patient, kind, less fussy with their father or not, the result will
always be the same - the narcissistic father will always discard them. They
discard because that is how they operate and there is no amount of love that
can change that. Unfortunately, when we are young we don’t know how
narcissists operate. All we know is that whatever we do never seems to
bring us the desired result or love we crave and so this discard gets
internalized and becomes the feeling of helplessness and hyper-awareness
of one’s behavior to the point it creates deep anxiety.
We get tired of fighting for approval, better life or love and we get drained.
Ultimately, when all this is combined with the fact that whatever the child
does seems to never be good enough for their father, it creates a lot of angst
and confusion for the child, even causing depression. As a result, they
become the adult who feels broken, stuck and unable to make a change in
their life. If this seems familiar to you, know that you are not alone in your
feeling that whatever they do, no matter how hard you work at something, it
is never going to change where you are. Matter of fact, it is a very common
theme for us, children of narcissistic fathers. Because we have been
controlled and hushed our entire lives, feeling like we have no control over
our destiny becomes natural. You may even feel like life happens to you,
not for you, and that is completely normal considering the impact your
narcissist had in your life. It is and it will always be a narcissist’s intention
to keep you boxed in so you can obey their wishes and fulfill their ideals.
You need to understand, even though you may read otherwise, that feeling
of helplessness wasn’t a choice you could make. It isn’t a choice even now
at this moment you are reading this. It is simply a pattern, that, just like
other patterns, with patience, time and kindness to yourself can be broken
and turned into something beautiful.
Being gaslighted, diminished, humiliated, abused or abandoned creates
scars that burn even after we have done some healing. We do not choose
our parents and how we are raised, so being critical of yourself for not
taking charge of your own life is only going to do more damage. We have
been our worst enemies and unconscious flying monkeys of our own father,
contributing to our own misfortune. That is something no one deserves, and
it is something that is not your fault. The next two chapters are meant to
help you break free from your narcissistic father’s conditioning, break free
from their influence and show you the path to healing you will take at your
own pace because you are beyond loveable.
 Chapter 11:
Breaking free from a narcissistic father

T he first sign of healing from childhood wounds created by your father is

acceptance. Accepting that you cannot change your childhood or your
father, that what you have experienced was never your fault and it isn’t
something that defines you, but most importantly, accepting that your father
is a narcissist.
For a very long time I felt immensely guilty for even thinking my father
was wrong. I internalized every interaction we had and took on all the
blame for our relationship going downhill. I remember thinking I am really
selfish and overdramatic for even thinking something is his fault and,
maybe if I was a better daughter and could be more flexible, he’d appreciate
me more and we’d have less clashes. But here is the thing, that is exactly
the pattern we talked about previously. Shifting the blame, where you are
the one taking all the guilt and all the responsibility for a relationship gone
bad. Then I started gaining more clarity by studying psychology and then
educating myself more about narcissism, reading tons of books just like you
are reading this one. From that point onwards, things started shifting for me.
I find it very interesting that many of us who have dealt with some form of
abuse or neglect, particularly if we were raised by narcissists, are interested
in psychology. I believe we all have that inner compass that wants to find
out the truth because something just feels off and we want to understand
why. Self-education is the first step to breaking free from the mental prison
your father has put you in. The process may not be easy, but as time goes on
you go through all five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining,
depression and finally complete acceptance which brings peace and relief.
Even though we may recognize we were raised by an individual who didn’t
have our best interest at heart, embracing the truth can be difficult,
especially when we are young and still glorifying the father we thought we
had, and so denial is a natural response to suspicions that your father is
toxic and may not be able to give you the love and support you needed.
When people grow up and realize they were raised by a narcissist, once
they get into what narcissism is at its core, the first reaction is shock and the
this can’t be the truth mentality. In the beginning we make excuses and
reminisce on good memories that still prove we are wrong and that what we
have discovered is false. As we engage with our father, if we have the
opportunity and start seeing patterns that match with our newfound
knowledge, that denial shifts into aggression. We get mad at our narcissistic
fathers, mad at our family members for allowing them to manipulate and
gaslight us, mad at ourselves for allowing it to continue and mad at the
universe for not giving us the loving family to grow up in. I remember I felt
a sense of huge injustice being done to me. I was angry that unlike my peers
who grew up in healthy families, I had to struggle with issues that very few
of them relate to. I was angry about being in a position where I needed to
heal, instead of enjoying life and being carefree. Nowadays I am glad for
the lessons I have learned and I am proud of myself for getting where I am
today and being proud of myself was rare when I was younger. You may
shift from denial to anger, back and forth and this is called bargaining.
Trying to find excuses because what you have discovered is a shock and a
huge plot twist on your whole life. Once these inner battles are over, you
may feel depressed and hopeless, so everything you were angry about turns
into deep prolonged sadness. We have all been there and you are not alone.
However long it takes, give yourself the time to grieve your childhood, and
feel as angry, depressed or confused as you need to.
When the whirlpool of emotions goes away, everything falls into place. You
realize you are not crazy. You haven’t imagined things. There is an
explanation to what you have been experiencing your whole life. Something
that didn’t feel right, but was hard to explain and rationalize now has a
name - narcissistic personality disorder. Suddenly, you stop feeling as guilty
for being an ungrateful child as you used to. It doesn’t happen overnight,
but the heavy weight of guilt slowly fades away as you gain more clarity. It
is called acceptance.
One of the first signs that you are breaking free from your father and his
impact on you is that you start not only understanding narcissism but
recognizing it in people. This may bring you a sense of unsafety and even
paranoia, as you may think the whole world is full of narcissists who are out
to get you. This is also the first step to breaking free from long-term effects
your father had on your behavior and relationship patterns, as you start
eliminating toxic people from your life solely for recognizing the signs of
narcissism. You clear the air and start saying no to people, but most
importantly, you start understanding the role you have been playing all
along, the role you had in your family that colored in all other relationships
you had. Your narcissistic father may have sabotaged you in many areas,
but his narcissistic ways have made you ten times more resilient and aware
of your surroundings than people who did not have the chance to be raised
by a dysfunctional parent. Whether you like it or not, you will be much
more aware of how the human mind works, much more alert to sociopathic,
psychopathic and other abnormal human behaviors and patterns that go
with that. This also means that you will be much less prone to relationships
with such individuals, which is a real blessing in disguise, as it will lead
you to much healthier, more positive and nourishing relationships than you
had in the past. This way, learning about your father’s patterns and
narcissism, in general, will set you free from his influence in future
relationships.
The newfound clarity is the stepping stone for breaking free from your
father’s control and from the conditioning you unconsciously embraced.
Knowing that you were raised by a mentally unhealthy individual is a hard
pill to swallow, but it will help you limit or completely cut the contact with
him. The best way to deal with all narcissists is to detach yourself,
emotionally, mentally and physically, as much as you can. Cutting contact
or keeping it to a minimum is the ideal scenario. However, in cases when
you still live with your parents or you don’t have the option to retreat from
an unhealthy environment, the very clarity and knowing of who you are
dealing with will help you see the relationship dynamically differently. You
will notice that you are not as worried as you used to be about whether or
not you will hurt their feelings and you will start to feel less guilty for doing
things that are good or right for you. Knowledge and self-education will
help you see your father from a new, more detached angle which will in
turn give you more space to breathe. Now you know they want to control
you and you are prepared for manipulation, accusations and gaslighting.
Staying in touch with your father and your family requires a lot of self-
awareness, and so if you are in contact, never forget who you are dealing
with.
Narcissistic fathers will try to influence your life no matter how old you are
and they will try to hoover you, blame you or dismiss you just as they did in
the past. However, the difference between your childhood and adulthood
will be that now you know how to successfully recognize his narcissistic
patterns of behavior and therefore you will be able to observe it rather
thanreact to it. If you are in contact, keep your privacy to yourself.
Unfortunately, narcissistic parents use the trust their child has in them to
manipulate and control the outcomes of their child’s behavior. Staying
private about your life will give them less material to use against you and
less space to interfere with your life and decisions. Being distant and
knowing you have to keep your greatest joys secret from your family may
be sad, but it is unfortunately crucial to keeping your sanity most of the
time.
You will notice that how you perceive the world around you changes. These
changes in perception will lead you to a new life, where you love yourself,
trust yourself and your abilities and most importantly - feel free. Something
you have struggled your whole life with will slowly start to dissolve and the
next chapter will be all about that - embracing your wounds, reparenting
yourself and becoming your own creator.
 Chapter 12:
Steps to healing and rewriting your story

F inding out your father is a narcissist is not easy, and the imprint his
parenting style has created may seem hard to break free from. You may
feel blocked from your own destiny, unable to live your life the way you
desire. We have all been there and we all go back there unwillingly from
time to time, and that is ok. Matter of fact, it is completely normal. You are
not a machine and there is no magic button to turn off your subconscious
mind that keeps repeating your father’s words. This very moment as you are
reading this, I want you to give yourself the credit for trying to learn about
your father, your upbringing and why you feel so blocked or lost. It takes an
immense amount of courage and desire to change your circumstances for
the better and to get to the point where you can say I am a child of a
narcissistic father and accept that. Complete acceptance, as mentioned
earlier, is the first step and probably the hardest leap to take. Know that
learning is never linear and start your healing journey gently and with
patience.
Everything starts with your enough is enough, I am not tolerating
being mistreated anymore. I don’t deserve this treatment I am
receiving and I want to be happy for a change. If you are looking for
ways to heal, it is likely that this is exactly what you have thought. This is a
great sign as it means that you are stepping into your power, even if you
still feel down, stuck or ashamed. While you may feel like this internally, it
can be difficult to assert these thoughts and make them a reality, but with
practice, learning self-love and other techniques, it becomes easier over
time. Understand that some people will not be able to understand you, so
don’t feel discouraged if that happens. Someone who hasn’t experienced
narcissistic abuse from their father may be able to relate to your experience
and that is ok. What matters is that you understand and relate to your
experience.
Below are some of the techniques you can use to understand yourself,
eliminate negative behavioral patterns that have been reinforced by your
father for a long time, and then slowly replace them. Hopefully, these will
give you helpful insight, enlighten your journey and lead you towards
unconditional self-love.

Developing emotional intelligence

Being raised in a healthy environment creates a predisposition for what
your father or people around you may have labeled you as, oversensitive. If
you can describe yourself as being too emotional, too sensitive or unstable,
know that first, you are not alone in that feeling, and two, the range of
emotions you feel show great capacity for empathy and emotional richness
not many people possess. Matter of fact, your narcissistic father may have
chosen you for the role you played precisely because of your ability to
empathize and feel things on a deep level. That being said, your
predispositions for developing emotional intelligence are already there, so
what you need to do is just find a way to swim in those emotions in a way
that is natural and healthy for you. Developing emotional intelligence is
about you learning that it is ok to feel, not to reject and be embarrassed
about your own emotions. We all tune in to different frequencies, but people
like you and me, in particular tend to be very, even hyper-aware of things
around us, which causes constant emotional alertnessand intense emotional
reactions. This is something to be honored. Once you honor emotions, don’t
think about them, but instead feel them as organically as you can. We were
taught to repress or be ashamed of feelings, so the important step to healing
is embracing them and for many of us, learning to recognize them for what
they are. Feeling and recognizing your emotions for what they are, instead
of thinking them or judging yourself for feeling a certain way, is half the job
done. When you know what it is that you are feeling, you can then safely
find ways to manage your own responses in a way that is not limiting to
you, without self-censoring or blame. Your emotions don’t define you but
are only your response to the experiences you have and are all human.
Counseling with a therapist, meditating, practicing mindfulness and
journaling can be ways that can help you on this journey. Remember that
healing an emotional body can be one of the toughest tasks, but accepting
and then slowly diminishing the effects of shame, guilt and resentment is
possible and it does happen when we become friends with this very
important part of our beings - our feelings.

Coming to terms with your upbringing

Healing begins once you start acknowledging that your childhood is only a
part of your path and not the determining element of your future. I used to
see my childhood as an unfair disadvantage that held me back in life. I used
to blame my father and held a lot of resentment towards him because of the
way he raised me, sabotaged my growth and happiness. To a large extent,
that was true, but I allowed myself to stay in the energy of anger and
resentment for too long, which adds only prolonged healing and amplified
negative effects that my father’s narcissism created for me. You cannot
change the past and you should not put the pressure on yourself to do better
in the present if you still feel resentful or held back by your family history.
It seems very unfair to be stripped of the basic support system and to be
discarded by your own father, and even more unfair that you have to
embark on the healing journey before you start to live the life you want. But
that is your journey.
Accept where you came from and understand that the trials and tribulations
your father put you through had nothing to do with you, your worth or how
lovable you are. You don't have to forgive your father or your family for
mistreating you or neglecting you, but you absolutely need to forgive
yourself and see your family life as a tough journey you will come out on
the top from. It is part of you and please be proud of yourself for playing
whatever role you were given for so long, because it takes a lot of resilience
and inner strength, to be able to do that. Enduring the narcissistic treatment
from your own father is a sign of fortitude, so don’t reject it, but rather
stand tall. You have been through it all and yet here you are, reading this
book, facing your demons and your past, trying to find your way out and
through. That is courage. You were a threat to your father's sense of power,
not because you are weak, but because you are powerful, so accept where
you came from and own it.
Strengthening the identity
Because you were told who you should be from day one of your life,
defining who you are can be a tricky task, simply because even though you
may have developed interests and beliefs, it is likely that there are some that
you have unconsciously adopted. These would be choices, beliefs, ideals,
and ideas that you live by and have taken on, but you find them not to be as
satisfying. These beliefs are those we have about ourselves and the world
around us that don’t serve us. Many are created as defense mechanisms,
while others are incorporated in our system without us consciously being
aware of them. You may feel confused about which way to go in life and
that is ok. Maybe you always wanted to become an artist, but you were
made to believe that you won’t be successful at it, so you may have
suppressed that part of your identity and refocused your attention to
something your father thought was more useful. Maybe you wanted to
express yourself through dressing a certain way or living an alternative
lifestyle. Whatever your story may be, to heal from narcissistic damage
caused by your father you need to get in touch with who you truly are.
What is it that you always wanted to do but didn’t because you were afraid
of failure, judgment or rejection? Your father has used these fears to guide
you in the direction that suits them and enables their narcissistic supply, so
you need to embrace those fears and understand who they come from. It is
ok to be yourself. Let go of fear and whenever you are about to do
something, start asking yourself:
Will it make me happy?
Do I feel expansive when I am doing this?
Do I want to feel this way?
What will happen if I do what I feel called to do?
Do I feel like myself when doing this?
Is this really what I think or is it my father speaking through me?
How will I feel if I accept/reject this offer? Why?
Knowing who you are means rediscovering and finding lost pieces of
yourself and putting the puzzle back together. The stronger the bond you
have with your authentic self, the less power your narcissistic parent will
have over you. Take your time to find these answers then strengthen the
bond with the person you find on the other side - yourself. Please stop
judging your real self, because that is what your father did for so long.
Our experience with narcissistic fathers can be very different, so
strengthening the core of your identity may be different than mine and vice
versa. This can vary from learning more about who you are to completely
rediscovering yourself and finding your true self. Be patient with yourself,
discover yourself bit by bit and things will slowly start falling into place.
Developing positive self-talk
Replacing the I am worthless, I will never make it, I am unlovable
with I am worthy, I will make it and I am lovable is something that
takes practice, but it is achievable. Positive self-talk is based on self-love,
which develops through acts of kindness to ourselves. It is when you start to
matter to yourself more than someone’s opinion, judgment or criticism
does. It is about accepting yourself just the way you are because you are
perfectly fine that way.
Practicing positive self-talk is also based on turning negative experiences
into positive lessons by reversing your perception. This is possible
particularly for us who were raised by narcissistic fathers, as their
narcissism, whether we know it consciously or not, has helped us develop
certain traits that are actually great virtues and strengths. If your father is a
narcissist, you are likely very observant, curious, empathetic, hard-working
and resilient. This alone makes you very capable, which is likely now how
you’d describe yourself. This is because you were programmed to think
your virtues are your flaws, because these virtues were twisted as they were
too overbearing for your narcissistic father to deal with. Instead of praising
your hard work and dedication, you were made to believe that what you are
doing is average, or they may have even called you lazy. If you are
observant or curious, they would say you are wasting time, call you
suspicious or nosy. These are just some examples meant to show you how
the way our father talked to us finds its way into adulthood and creates a
loop of negative self-talk. Instead of your father calling you lazy, now you
call yourself that, even when you are just taking a well-deserved break. The
path to healing is understanding this, taking a moment to listen to your
inner talk and then learning to stop yourself in repeating what your father
has made you believe about yourself. What you need to understand, which
is not easy for us kids of narcissistic fathers is that failures and mistakes
don’t define us. More so, they are not a validation that we aren’t good
enough.
Would you like someone to call you stupid, lazy, incompetent or
unattractive? You absolutely would not. Even if someone calls you these
names, why would you do that to yourself? You cannot control your father
or anyone else, and therefore they don’t have the power to tell you who you
are and how good you are. They are not you, they are not in your body and
they will never be. You have you. So be gentle to that person you see in the
mirror, they have been through a lot and they don't need yet another
negative comment from the person looking back from the other side of the
glass.
If you were raised in a negative environment, building a negative image of
yourself is natural. Narcissistic fathers focus on flaws and fail to give
praise, so that is what we embrace ourselves. When we grow up we see
only the failures, the mistakes, the bad choices and how we can never
measure up to the ideals we expect from ourselves. We are so used to the
negativity that we forget to see the little good things. We brush off
compliments. Developing positive self-talk means reversing whatever is it
that your father made you believe. Accepting and enjoying compliments
and your own accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for the things you
did. Put the pause on perfectionism. You don’t need to be perfect to be
loved. You don’t need to be extremely successful to be respected, heard or
seen. These are all fears projected by your father and not a reality, as you
are absolutely fine and lovable just the way you are. Take the time and be
compassionate with yourself as you would be with someone in need.
Choosing yourself
If you were invisible to your father and your family, you may grow up
being invisible to the most important person in your life - yourself. To heal
we first need to deal with our inability to say no without feeling guilty.
Narcissistic fathers discourage acts of self-love and self-care as they need
their children to cater to their narcissistic needs. This is why to break free it
is important to learn to clearly recognize our own needs and then prioritize
them. You are probably very familiar with the guilt you feel for saying no to
other people’s demands. As a result of being raised by a narcissist and in a
dysfunctional family, we learned to be providers, caretakers, nurturers and
that is the role we took on for a long time, giving the energy to people who
most likely didn’t deserve it. The key to healing here is reversing the focus
on ourselves without feeling like we have to apologize for doing something
that is good for us. You choose yourself by setting boundaries and making
your own codex of behavior, the things you’ll tolerate and the things you
won’t. Healthy boundaries will additionally push away the people who are
selfishly using you and taking from you without giving back, and draw in
healthy people who respect those boundaries because they respect you and
your energy.
Establishing boundaries and asserting them works like a muscle. The first
few times you get sore, aka you feel immensely guilty for not responding to
someone and catering to their needs, but the more you do it, the better you
will feel. Start small and reject invitations or requests that take your energy
at the given moment. The guilt you have is coming from being ashamed of
having needs because that is what your father found suitable. To have a
peaceful, joyous and quality life, and to genuinely give to others, you first
need to care for yourself. Every time you feel guilty for not following your
gut instinct and extending yourself beyond personal limits to be there for
others, remember to take a step back and put yourself first - the person who
is asking for your help, energy or favor, no matter who they are, is doing the
same. Ask yourself, do you do favors because you genuinely care or
because deep down you want to avoid unpleasant feelings of guilt and
shame? Know that there is nothing shameful about caring for yourself. It is
not your responsibility to make someone else happy or miserable. They are
responsible for their own wellbeing, just like you are responsible for yours.
Your needs are just as valid as someone else's, no matter how bad they seem
to be doing. So don’t forget to choose the caring person who is always there
for others over anyone else - always chose you.
Re-parenting yourself
I remember I believed for a very long time that had I been given the caring,
love and nurturing in my family I would be in a much better place in life.
That is true to an extent, because while our upbringing does influence how
we carry ourselves through life, it isn’t the determining factor, even if it
doesn’t seem like it at all at this very moment. Your original upbringing has
caused wounding, so to heal you must re-parent yourself. Re-parenting
yourself means reaching your inner child, embracing it and then teaching it
love instead of fear. We are afraid we are not good enough. We are afraid
we are not talented, attractive or successful enough. We are afraid we are
not lovable. These fears stemmed from the treatment we received as
children and the roles we took in our father’s hierarchy of importance and
worthiness. What can help is visualizing yourself as a child, seeing your
fears, tears you have cried and how you felt. Once you can do that, the next
step is treating yourself as you always wanted to be treated by your father
and your family. Every time you feel anxious, sad or afraid, imagine
yourself as a child. How would you comfort that child? By ignoring,
judging, criticizing for screaming at it like your father did, or by making it
feel safe, giving it consolation, and unconditional affection? Re-parenting
yourself includes taking a step back from how you were raised, taking on
and reversing the role of your dysfunctional father and giving yourself
everything you needed from him, be it acceptance, love or kindness. This
will include becoming visible to yourself, and treating yourself the way you
wanted to be treated. This will not only make you feel safer in your own
skin, but it will allow you to accept yourself the way you are, without
imposing self-criticism and unrealistic expectations on yourself.
By not rejecting yourself and supporting your inner child and nurturing
your vulnerabilities instead of discarding them, you are ultimately taking
responsibility for yourself. You could not choose your childhood, but now
you can choose yourself and you can become your own person of trust,
someone you always needed and who was never there. Please remember
that you already have what it takes to re-parent yourself, as otherwise you
wouldn’t be hoping or looking for healing and you are absolutely not alone.
Re-parenting includes an immense amount of self-care and self-nurturing. It
also includes getting in touch with your inner child and recognizing it’s
needs and understanding how it wants to express itself, which goes hand in
hand with choosing yourself. Choose you, because you deserve all those
beautiful things you were made to believe you are undeserving of.
If you find it difficult to cope with life’s challenges and need support, I
highly advise seeking the right therapy for you, talking to trusted people if
you have them in your life and doing your best to take care of yourself. I
want you to know that you are much more than you realize and I hope you
will be able to find compassion you always needed as a child deep within
yourself.
There is life after a difficult upbringing and your narcissistic father will
have less impact on your life with each step you take toward healing. What
awaits you on the other side is a shame-free life, a life where you
understand guilt rather than internalize it and let it define you. Healing will
allow you to see your father from a whole new perspective and most
importantly, to see yourself in a much more realistic, positive light.
 Conclusion
P aternal narcissism is an illness that impacts not on the person who has
it, but more importantly and more significantly everyone else in the
family, particularly children. Someone who has not experienced it as a
child, will have trouble understanding it, as such fathers are masters of
disguise who appear to be the best dads there are, while being immensely
toxic for their children and their entire family. It is a sickness that leaves a
mark on the offspring that can be hard to deal with in adulthood. The
relationship a child has with a narcissistic father is based on manipulation,
control, projection and blame games, so it consequently steals joy from the
child's life. Narcissistic fathers sabotage freedom and take away the power
from their children. Parent-child relationships with them lack in real depth a
truly intimate interpersonal connection has, as a narcissist is not able to love
unconditionally, but loves only with strings attached.
Narcissistic fathers are everything but protectors, although they know very
well how to play that role. They, instead of supporting their child, try to
diminish them, discard, ignore and abandon them when the child needs
them the most. Instead of helping the child strengthen their self-confidence
and personal power, narcissistic fathers prey on their child's weaknesses, as
even their own children are seen as a threat to their imaginary authority and
grandiosity. Children of narcissistic fathers feel used, abused, unloved and
abandoned, many times without knowing why or being able to pinpoint
what is it that makes them feel the way they do. This is because their fathers
are gaslighting, shifting the blame and projecting, which can be very hard to
spot for someone who has no knowledge and awareness of narcissistic
behavior. The main damage they do lies in the misuse of their power and
role of the father, which they utilize to gain narcissistic supply from their
children, the family as a whole and the society.
Children who grew up with them are the ones who were not given the
freedom to be children nor the freedom to be themselves. At a very young
age there was a role they were demanded to play and anything that
deteriorates from that role, even if it is something that makes the child
happy, needed to be punished, suppressed and controlled.
The bond between the narcissistic father and their child exists, but it is
unhealthy and not based on mutual respect and love, but on shame and
guilt. Such a father projects his deepest fears of inadequacies, shame and
rejection on their children, but they also do the same for their ambitions,
unrealistic qualities, imagined authority and false sense of personal power,
grandiosity and success. Based on these two they give their children the
roles of the scapegoat and the golden child where the first one becomes the
embodiment of the narcissistic fathers’ fears and the second one becomes
the embodiment of their ideals. Neither of these are based in reality and are
never a reflection of a child's real potential, skill, character or talent. The
scapegoated child is the one who is ultimately the greatest threat to a
narcissist's false sense of self-importance, and so that child will be the one
to be discarded and rejected. In homes with more children, his children may
easily get abandoned for their siblings simply because they are giving the
father a better narcissistic supply, are better at feeding their ego by playing
out the ideals their father has, catering to him, adoring and worshiping him.
In other words, equality and mutual support are not in a narcissistic father’s
vocabulary as he makes his children compete for his admiration, love and
attention.
Narcissistic fathers poison the whole family with this competitive energy
and instead of creating a safe environment for the children to grow, they
turn family members against each other. The children’s mother and the
scapegoated child are usually the ones to blame for all the failures, mistakes
and wrongdoings, particularly for those he himself has committed. His wife
is described as emotionally cold, distant, unloving, unsupportive and a
sabotager of his and the family happiness or she takes the role of the flying
monkey, catering to his needs, adoring him and supporting his toxic
parenting, many times unconsciously.
While part of good parenting includes being able to prevent deviant
behaviors in children and raise happy, healthy and assertive individuals,
having a father who is a narcissist means purposefully taking advantage of
the fatherly role and exerting extreme authoritarianism and control over the
children. They are, deep down, extremely vulnerable to rejection and
criticism, are resentful and have bottled a lot of shame in a very deep corner
of their subconsciousness. Such a father has no empathy, no sensitivity to
their child's needs, but is observant enough to spot what these needs are and
use them to gain his narcissistic supply. His children are seen as possessions
that belong to him, are emotionally neglected, made to be overly
codependent on him for affirmation, money or appreciation even in
adulthood. Their emotional scope is very narrow and infantile, so their
dealings with children are colored with aging and passive-aggressiveness,
rather than maturity and openness.
Ultimately, knowing paternal narcissism opens one to perspectives many
people are unaware of. While a difficult road, one can heal from the
wounding caused in childhood and rise above it. In fact, that is exactly what
happens in the great majority of cases for those whose father was a
narcissist. It takes patience, kindness to oneself, learning about self-love,
self-compassion and self-re-parenting to come out the other end, and it is
not a mission impossible. Narcissistic fathers make us feel alone, isolated
and rejected, so it is through healing work that we embrace who we are
without continuing to do the same thing our father did - judge and criticize
ourselves. It is through learning about paternal narcissism, its toxicity and
the nature of interpersonal relationships that it influences that we rise
above. And in the end, we truly do.
 How to Handle a Narcissist,
Sociopath or Psychopath

Spotting the differences to set yourself free from Narcissistic / Toxic

relationships and psychological abuse

Dr. Theresa J. Covert

 Introduction

L ook around you – is there someone in your life who expects constant
admiration and think that they are better than all else? Do they tend to
fly off the handle when they sense even the slightest criticism? Do you feel
exhausted and want to find ways to handle their narcissistic tendencies?
Well, if you have, then you have come to the right place!
You must first understand that we all have narcissistic tendencies in us – in
varying degrees. What is even interesting is that we have no idea how to
measure this personality trait. We don't know if someone is high in this trait
until we have had a chance to interact with them in a relationship, only to
realize the very qualities that attracted you to them are the very ones that
annoy you now, deeply.
It could be your parent, partner, boss, teacher, sibling, friend, employee,
colleague, or other relatives who you know have this personality trait,
which you are forced to confront. However, you cannot control or challenge
what they do.
Does it mean they are unlovable?
Definitely not!

People with narcissistic behaviors also have charisma, are fun and can be
good at what they do. They may be the kind of people you like having
around, more for pleasure than pain, and may even be the reason why your
career is soaring. My point is, not all narcissists are created equally. This
means that the way you choose to handle one in your life depends on your
type of dealing.
You may be wondering, “but who is a narcissist anyway?”
Unfortunately, narcissism is a term that gets thrown around all the time,
especially in a selfie-obsessed and celebrity-driven culture we live in today.
When we find someone who is extremely vain and full of themselves, we
call them a narcissist.
However, in psychology, narcissism is not a term used to describe self-love
– well, not of a true sort anyway. Narcissists are people who are in love
with a grandiose and inflated image of self just so that they can mask their
insecurities. What is even worse is that when you prop up their grandeur
delusions – which takes work – their dysfunctional behaviors are exposed.
They tend to be arrogant, self-centered, lack empathy for others, and have
an excessive need for admiration.
Perhaps you have heard people refer to them as selfish, cocky, demanding,
manipulative, or even patronizing. Their way of thinking and attitude shows
in every area of their life – love relationships, work, family, and friendships.
It is not easy to help them change their behaviors because they are
extremely resistant. They tend to blame others, are extremely sensitive, and
overreact even at the slightest criticism directed at them. When you
disagree with them for something, they interpret that as a personal attack.
When you have someone like this in your life, it is easier to agree with them
or play along with their demands to avoid conflict, rages, and cold
shoulders. However, when you understand more about narcissism, it is
easier to spot them, protect yourself from their power plays, and establish
healthy boundaries in your life.
But how can I set boundaries with such an impossible human?
Well, let us consider an instance where your coworker has narcissistic
tendencies. At work, they park their large truck in such a way that it is hard
for you to back out. This has not happened once or twice, but has become
the order of the day. What do you do? The first thing you need to do is ask
them to leave you enough space each time they park their truck. Be clear on
the consequences of not respecting your wishes like, “If you don’t park
your truck well next time, I will be forced to have it towed away.” If they
don’t listen, then follow through with what you said – call the towing
company.
Your part is to insist on immediate responses.
Standing up for yourself against narcissistic personalities does not come
easy. Trust me; they will not just walk away. They will respond to every
action taken and the boundary you set. They will try to manipulate you into
feeling guilty for your actions – that your actions were controlling and
unreasonable. Remind yourself that it is a tactic they use to get sympathy.
What you must do is stand your ground.
Remember, you are not at fault. Realize that they will not admit their
mistakes and will not take responsibility for intentionally hurting you time
and again. Instead, they will project their negative behaviors onto you or
those around them.
Yes, you will be tempted to accept the blame just to keep the peace. But the
truth is, you don’t need to belittle yourself just to save their ego. Don't
allow them to take the truth from you. If you feel that you can’t avoid them
at some point, establish a support network around you. Don’t spend time in
a dysfunctional relationship with a narcissistic personality because they will
leave you completely drained emotionally.
Handling someone with narcissistic behaviors requires that you take a step
back and look at things from a different perspective, if you are going to
handle them at all;
What it truly means to be a narcissist
What is considered realistically possible and what is not
Where to draw the line
You must know when they are abusive. Realize that abuse is abuse
regardless of whether they have narcissistic disorders or not. Your main
challenge here is to open your eyes to your abuse, identify the abuse, and
learn how to strengthen and protect yourself.
In this book, we will shed light into;
The psychology of narcissism
How to spot the differences between Narcissist, Psychopath, and
Sociopath
Why Empaths Attract Toxic People and HOW TO FIX IT
Warning Signs you are dealing with a Toxic Person
The Abusive Cycle: Idealize, Devalue and Discard
Narcissist Manipulation techniques
How to Stop from being Manipulated
Whether to expose the narcissist or not
Practical Exercises to heal after Narcissistic Abuse
How to rebuild Yourself after Narcissistic Abuse
So, what are you still waiting for?
Come with me, and let's delve deeper into your survival guide to
understanding and escaping narcissism so that you can live your life to the
fullest.
 Chapter 1:
Understanding the Psychology of Narcissism

T ake a moment to imagine a continuum where on one end is the worst

kind of psychopath you can imagine – someone who loves hurting,
torturing, or killing people for pleasure. These people are understandably
lonely and unhappy and prefer making friends with someone they can
derive pleasure from hurting. They are unhappy because they cannot feel
pleasure except when they are hurting someone.
Now, back to the continuum – on the other end are people like Mother
Theresa or Jesus. The kind of people whose actions are inspired by love and
happiness. They do not have the “me syndrome” – very minimal ego love.
These people are increasingly happy because they believe that how they
treat others determines how they are treated. All they want is peace, love,
and happiness.
To understand a narcissist's mind, it is best to first start with how this
personality trait develops. If you look at your childhood, would you say
your parents or guardians did all it took to ensure that you were successful
and felt good about yourself?
The truth is, most parents take a real interest in the wellbeing of their
children. They feel a sense of love and connection towards their kids, a
desire to do well, are successful, and have a sense of self-esteem.
However, trouble happens when a parent wants their child to be “special,
above-average, outstanding, or even better than all the others.” Do you
know what this does? It puts pressure on the child and the parent too. The
child starts feeling like they are "not enough" if they don't meet their
parent's expectations – outstanding, above-average, etc. in every sense of
the word.
According to research, it is clear that narcissism starts with an
overprotective parent who constantly tells their child that they are special.
They overdo everything to ensure that their child never takes risks or even
experiences any challenges. With time, the child learns that they must
scream or cry for them to get what they want, especially when they feel
pain or do not get enough pleasure.
As they grow, they start making others' demands, believing that they “must”
get what they want. Imagine what happens when that child is a teen – the
most difficult time for most humans. They realize that the world around
them is non-compliant and unforgiving.
You are wondering, “but do all parents raise their children with such levels
of overprotection?”
Definitely not!
The other parenting style is that of a cold and heartless parent. They give
their children little to no love or regard at all. These kinds of parents often
manipulate their children by withdrawing love, inducing guilt, controlling
them through possessiveness, and expressing shame and disappointment in
them. The child ends up in an endless loop of starved love and warmth, and
constant shame and guilt. They try as much as they can to justify their
existence by demanding love from others because they cannot get it from
their parents.
They have learned that they can get what they want by punishing or
withdrawing love – passive-aggressive behavior – using silent treatment
without realizing that the other person in the relationship does not know the
nature of the problem or solution in the first place.
This gets worse when aggression and acts of violence accompany it. In
school, they learn to protect themselves by bullying others to get what they
want. One thing you must understand is that bullying is aggressive.
However, not all aggression is bullying! In this world of narcissism, there
are various types of bullies – the reinforcer, aggressor, and assistant – while
on the other side of the table are bystanders, outsiders, and defenders who
may not like what they see but are afraid to stand up to their abuser.
Research shows that both aggression and narcissism are related to females
and males even though the symptoms – like demand for leadership, self-
absorption, and exploitative acts – are stronger in males than females.
Although narcissists seem to have a strong personality, you must realize
that they lack a core self. Their thought process, self-image, and actions are
others-oriented just so that they can validate and stabilize their self-esteem,
fragility, and fragmented self.
Think of them as people who have been sentenced to a life with no love for
humanity. Instead of loving others, they choose to fall in love with their
reflection and then die, hungering for a response. In other words, they love
themselves by seeking its reflection in others’ eyes, hence the likelihood
that they don’t really love themselves but immensely dislike who they are.
Their arrogance, self-flattery, and perfectionism can merely hide their self-
loathing habits.
Instead, they choose to project it to the outside world in their criticism of
others. They are afraid of looking inwards at themselves because they know
that what they will see can be devastating. They are emotionally dead
inside, which creates a vacuum they want to be filled by others’ validation.
Even when they are loved, they still find it hard to appreciate the love they
get and instead choose to alienate their givers.

There are major traits of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder

(NPD);
They have a superb sense of self-importance and tend to exaggerate
their talents, gifts, and accomplishments.
They dream of power, brilliance, success, and beauty that is
infinite.
They strongly believe that they are unique and very special because
most people do not understand and associate with them because of
their high status.
They demand extreme admiration from others and have
unreasonable expectations from others because they believe they
deserve favorable treatment and compliance with their wishes.
They manipulate and take advantage of others for personal gain. In
other words, they do not have empathy for others ’ needs and
feelings.
They envy others and then turn around and say that others are
envious of them, which is explained by their arrogant behaviors.
The description we have given above is for a small portion of narcissism –
the exhibitionist narcissist. However, there are other types of narcissists we
will discuss in the next chapter.
That said, it is challenging for one to empathize with a narcissist. However,
realize that they did not choose to be the way they are. The truth is, their
natural growth and development were arrested mostly due to faulty
parenting. In other cases, psychologists say that it may result from extreme
closeness with an indulgent mother. Others argue that it is a result of
parental criticalness and harshness. Even though there is a need for further
research into its causes, twin studies show that narcissism has a 64%
correlation, suggesting a strong link to the genetic component.
Underneath the narcissistic façade, it is evident that narcissists lack
adequate internal structures of stability, cohesiveness, and positive esteem
that offers a stable identity. They are blind to the boundaries set between
them and others, causing them to oscillate between a dissociated state of
inferiority complex and self-inflation.
The self, brought by shame, comprises an inferior, super-acting, devalued
self. When this self is in an inferior position, manifestation of shame is seen
through their idealization of others. However, when that self is in the
superior position, their grandiose personality aligns with their inner critic,
which tends to project by devaluing others. These acts of devaluation and
idealization of others are results of shame and depression.

Although most people fluctuate between these positions, the closet and
exhibitionist narcissists are less static in these positions regardless of the
reality, which makes them pathological. They respond to shame through;
- Arrogance
- Envy
- Repression
- Contempt
- Withdrawal
- Rage and aggression
- Self-pity
- Projection
- Avoidance
That said, they also tend to defend themselves against shame and
dysfunctionality by making themselves feel special by following a crowd of
special or high-status people.
So, are you in a relationship with a narcissist?
Based on what we have discussed so far, you can tell whether you are in a
relationship with a narcissist. If you are, one thing you need to do is
compare their persona when they are at home or work, and in public – are
they the same persona?
Most likely not.
Narcissists tend to be completely different when they are at home or work
and in public. One time they are entertaining, and the next, they are
denigrating you. Getting into an intimate relationship with them is
accompanied with a lot of uncertainties. During the initial stages of the
relationship, they expect you to appreciate them for their specialness. They
demand specific responses and criticisms to effectively manage their inner
surroundings and self-protect against humiliation, shame, and high
sensitivity. Unfortunately, everything in the relationship revolves around
them, and they view you as an extension of themselves.
One thing you must bear in mind is that most narcissists are perfectionists.
In other words, nothing you will do is right or worth appreciating. They
expect you to meet their endless list of demands and needs – purchases,
admiration, love, service, etc., and if you don't get them what they want,
they dismiss you. Whenever you are in pain or ill, they do not consider it
consequential. Interestingly, they want you to know their needs without
question and do not like being turned down. Their trademark is
manipulation to get what they want and punish others for standing up to
them.
As you see, to understand their mind better, you must accept that they are
thankless. Think of them as a pot that never fills up. You keep trying to fill
it, but it seems like the pot is bottomless. They will find fault with
everything you do and will give you back-handed compliments just to make
you feel less. If you manage to please them – even if momentarily – they
will keep asking for more until you are completely drained. What they are
doing is making you feel what they felt during childhood with their
narcissistic parents. Their deprivation of real nurturing and no set
boundaries rendered them dependent on others just to feed their insatiable
need for justification.
They will make you doubt their sincerity. You will question their behavior,
whether it is pretense or manipulation. In most cases, you will be drained by
their attacks, unpredictable tantrums, criticisms, false accusations, and
invalid indignation about imaginary slights. With time, you will get used to
it, and instead of knowing what is right, you start believing that what they
say is true just to get their approval and stay connected. But all your
attempts are in vain because what you are doing is walking on eggshells and
sacrificing your needs for someone who will never see your worth.
The truth is, you don’t have to fit into their cold world. You don’t deserve a
life of emotional abandonment or lose your confidence and sense of self-
worth because of their behaviors and attitudes towards you. Open your
eyes. Accept that each time you communicate your disappointments, they
will twist it with their defensive blame. Understand that this kind of person
is just used to dishing it but will never take it.
Don't be fooled by their periodic charm, loving gestures, and excitement
they give you when they sense that you are planning to break up with them.
Know your worth and embark on a road to self-recovery.
 Chapter 2:
How to spot the differences between Narcissist,
Psychopath, and Sociopath

W e have heard people call another narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath

out of anger without really knowing the meaning and the difference
between these terms. Here, we will discuss the difference between these
personality traits and how you can know when to run!
Before we delve deeper, it is important to understand that these three
personality traits fall under cluster B personality disorders. A narcissist falls
under Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), while sociopaths and
psychopaths fall under antisocial personality disorders (APD).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
We have already discussed the nature of a narcissist in the previous chapter.
We have gathered so far that a narcissist will demand constant approval and
attention without necessarily considering your needs and feelings. They
believe that they are better than everyone else and are condescending and
insulting. However, when they sense disagreement with hints of criticism
on your part, they fly off the handle.
Experts consider NPD a mental disorder with people showing patterns of an
exaggerated sense of entitlement, need for admiration, and a lack of
empathy for others. They spend most of their time fantasizing about
accomplishing success and power and are obsessed with their self-image.
However, underneath all that confidence is a very fragile ego that is easily
wounded by criticism. They belittle others just so that they can validate
their superiority.
There are three types of narcissists;
Classic narcissists
Also called Grandiose narcissists.
It is the kind you think of when you hear the term narcissist. They seek
constant attention, always bragging about themselves with the intent of
seeking compliments, and strongly believe that they are entitled to special
treatment. When the conversation is about anything but themselves, they
quickly get bored because someone else is taking the spotlight. The main
irony is that whenever they perceive themselves as superior, they want to
feel important.
Vulnerable narcissist
Also called the closet narcissists.

They are characterized by inadequate self-esteem, deflated ego, inner

emptiness, and depression. They are also referred to as introverted
narcissists. In most instances, they appear shy, anxious, and humble because
they are emotionally invested in their ideal other to be indirectly gratifying.
They are vulnerable because they try attaching themselves to special people
to feed their fragile ego. They try to manipulate others by being generous,
but their main intention is to gain admiration and attention to appeasing
their insecurities.
Malignant narcissist
Also called toxic narcissists.
They are characterized by cruelty and vindictive nature, especially when
they sense being threatened or do not get what they want. Unlike the other
types, they lack empathy and may portray sociopathic or psychopathic
tendencies. Their main goal is to control others by using deceit or
aggression to achieve what they want without showing remorse for their
actions.
The thing with narcissists is that therapy often proves futile because they
don’t think that they have a problem in the first place. 1% of the US
population is narcissistic and is observed more in men than women.

How then, can you spot a narcissist?

They focus on the image over substance.
The truth is that they invest heavily in how they look and how others
perceive them. It is not just vanity but an attempt to maintain the
disillusionment they have created for themselves at all costs.
Grandiosity
The main trademark is making others feel inferior because they think that
they are superior to everyone else without any evidence. They have a strong
need for admiration and adoration and will always use people who mirror
their specialness. Unfortunately, bragging is not exactly what they feel deep
within. Instead, they feel small, ashamed, and inferior.
Entitlement
When you sum the feelings of superiority and specialness, what you get is
entitlement. A narcissist's parents may have told them that they are special
and even held them to an extra-special treatment to the point that they now
think they have a divine right to the seat at the high table.
Lack of empathy

One thing that is evident about narcissists is that they are not in touch with
their feelings. Considering they did not get true and unconditional attention
from their parents, there is a high likelihood they did not have the space to
express their feelings, have them recognized and soothed. Without this
modeling, they have learned to be intolerant of others' feelings and needs
over time. Hence the reason they don’t stick around when the other person
is needy.
Manipulative
One minute, a narcissist can turn on their charm and make you feel
beautiful, interesting, and even graceful. The next minute, they turn on you
and become overly critical and leave you reeling. Unfortunately, their
power can be so much so that you are left hanging for more, anticipating the
time they turn on their charm again. With this kind of behavior, it is easy to
give away your power - which is what they crave anyway.
Objectification
Considering their true self was overlooked during childhood, it is
challenging for them to recognize other people’s true nature. To them, you
are an object and not necessarily a 3-D human being. They only need you to
be who they want you to be and not your true self.
Easily offended
When they don't get their way, they express a narcissistic rage. They feel
like even the slightest criticism is an attack on their person. It makes them
question their false self. While their rage is not scary, it is similar to a
toddler throwing tantrums, but they end up treating you badly afterward.
Just like different personalities on a spectrum, these traits are on a spectrum
too. While most people demonstrate narcissistic traits at some point, their
classification on an NPD spectrum must be characterized by distortions in
their thinking, actions, and emotional feelings.
Antisocial Personality Disorders

Psychopaths
The thing is that psychopaths look like everyone else. Often, the media
paints a picture of someone who is deranged and an imprisoned murderer.
However, psychopaths are most likely your friend, family member,
coworker, or ex, who makes your brain hurt. They are the kind of people
who make you walk away, feeling confused, doubtful, and self-conscious.
One thing you must note is that psychopathy is not a medical diagnosis
found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DS-
MMD). However, research on psychopaths has made it easy for people to
identify their character traits, which helps you spot them easily.
They are superficially charming.
Their charm should not be confused with their arrogance or confidence. It is
usually tailored to their targets. While there are people who respond well to
flattery – a manifestation of charm – there are those who have a soft spot
for sympathy and shyness. With a psychopath, they will make you feel
"special."
The point is – whichever person they choose, it is usually non-authentic. I
like to think of them as shape-shifting chameleons who are constantly
rearranging their personalities based on their target’s needs. If you notice
signs of behavioral inconsistencies, insincerity in their behavior, and that
different people describe them in completely different terms, don't assume
things. Simply honor and explore those feelings to find out the truth.
They manufacture negative responses.
They tend to stir up chaos and then sit back to play innocent and throw
around blame to see how one reacts. In other words, they provoke you, and
then when you react, they patronize you with such statements as, "I am not
having this conversation with you right now.” Their main intention is to
make you feel like a hypersensitive nut job.
If you have a coworker with psychopathic tendencies, you will notice that
they are calculated in how they try to make others turn against you just to
degrade your credibility. In relationships, they will use their reaction to get
your sympathy.
Look around you – are there people with these tendencies? Do they try to
bait you into an argument and then act surprised when you reach back? If
you do, take a closer look at that person and do not allow your desires to get
in the way of addressing the injustice you feel inside.
They repeatedly lie without a clear motive.
This is common with many psychopaths even when there is no reason to lie
at all. They constantly shift their personas and stories to the point telling
lies is like their default mode. When you question their lies by seeking
proof, they turn back at you, claiming that you are paranoid and
overanalyzing everything. Trust me; whether they do it because they are
pathological liars or psychopaths, you want to keep a safe distance from
them.
They are incapable of shame and guilt.
Think about it – when you lie, manipulate, or steal, wouldn’t you feel
remorse? It is what normal people do. However, when dealing with a
psychopath, you will realize that they have no remorse for their evil deeds.
While this is a sign of a narcissist, it is a glaring trait of a psychopath. The
truth is, they seem to enjoy their evil behaviors.
Deep down, they know that their behavior hurts others – and yet that is the
whole reason they do it. The only time you will hear them apologizing is
just to save face or when they know that they still need something from you
– never about remorse!
When someone enjoys inflicting others with pain and never seems to have
genuine remorse for their actions, it is an alarm for you to start cutting ties
with them. The last thing you want is to get into an emotional black hole.
They change allegiance instantly.
It does not matter how intense the betrayal is; psychopaths are never loyal.
They devalue and replace people in their lives without a second thought
about it. Even if you experienced a deep connection and excitement with
them, soon you realize that it is a bond they can forge with anyone in the
world. Even after they tell you how awesome you are from all the "crazies"
they have met in life, they will turn back, go to those "crazies," and declare
you the crazy one.
It is no secret – they are incapable of love, attachment, and loyalty.
Everywhere they go, they leave a trail of destruction and then blame their
victims for their actions.
They turn people against each other.
Think about it – do you know someone that came into your life and caused
you to dislike everyone around you, including those you have not met?
People with this personality trait are constantly whispering poison into your
ear, causing you to be jealous or suspicious of others. However, they do this
with a disguise of innocence, false concerns, and sad stories just to get you
to change your perception of others.
They want you distracted and in an endless loop of competition for their
attention just so that they feel like they are in high demand all the time. Be
careful about the people you let into your life. If you feel that someone has
caused you to dislike people, who you would normally have no reason to
dislike, pay closer attention to their intentions.
They trigger your cognitive dissonance.
The truth is, when a psychopath is in your life, there will be an intense and
rapidly increasing sense of fear and doubt. Your brain will struggle to
reconcile them with the inappropriate behavior they portray regularly. They
want you to think that they are perfect when the truth is that the person they
are trying to portray is non-existent. They simply created that person for
you, something hard for the human mind and heart to understand.
With them, you are always the bad guy. Even with their lies, con, theft, and
manipulation, they will not see themselves as the issue but instead, look at
you as the problem. In other words, they make you feel like there is
something wrong with you for simply recognizing their faults.
If someone makes you have such confusing thoughts and emotions, there is
a high likelihood you are dealing with a psychopath. Once you know the
signs to watch out for, you can safely remove them from your life. Yes, it
will not be an easy task, especially if you are in an intimate relationship.
However, notice that awareness is the very first step to leaving an abusive
relationship.
Sociopath
One common mistake people make is using the terms sociopath and
psychopaths interchangeably. The truth is, they are separate parts of the
whole personality disorder. Sociopaths have erratic behaviors, lie for no
reason, are unreliable, and are always willing to take greater risks than a
psychopath.
They are usually superficially charming to people that can offer them what
they want – money, power, and empathy. As long as they don't need
anything from you, they will give you the cold shoulder, and remain distant
and aloof as though you don't even exist in the first place.
Sociopaths completely lack empathy, but they can fake it for a short while.
At work, they are unreliable and unpredictable and will only complete tasks
they enjoy doing just so that they can draw instant gratification from it.
Unlike the psychopaths who are intentional in their lying, each time a
sociopath opens their mouth, everything they say is a lie, which they get
away with without designing a master plan. They turn on others and blame
them for their own mistakes without any feeling of guilt or remorse.
Instead, they take pleasure in seeing others suffer. Whenever they are bored,
they take unnecessary risks to stir things up and keep making the same
mistakes time and again without a sense of self-awareness.
Getting into a relationship with a sociopath is the worst thing that can
happen to you because they will use their appearance and sex to manipulate
you. They will constantly make suicidal comments towards themselves and
others to get what they want. In other words, they choose to commit to
illegal activities because they feel that they can. Whenever they get a job,
they do not stick around for long because they desire to constantly change
their careers when they are fired.
Working with a sociopath is dangerous because you get in their way,
attempting to expose their manipulative nature. Otherwise, if you stick to
your lane, they can be harmless. The best thing you can do is ignore their
behavior fully. With time, they will self-destruct, get bored, and move on to
something else. Use the traits we have discussed as a guide to help you
watch out for such people in your life to know how to approach every
encounter appropriately.
 Chapter 3:
Why Empaths Attract Toxic People and HOW TO
FIX IT

P
erhaps you are thinking, “who is an empath?”
I like to think of empaths as healers of society. They are the kind of
people who like to help everyone around them because they can
understand them and feel their pain as though it was theirs. Unlike
most people, empaths try to see the best in everyone and strongly believe
that people are fair, good, and have decency.
Think about it – is this line of thought, right? Do you think all people are
good?
The truth is, this is not always right. If you look around you, you will
realize that not everyone takes responsibility for their actions. Not everyone
is willing to apologize whenever they hurt others as empaths do.
Realize that people who have a motive, an empath can’t even understand
the goal and behavioral patterns. The thing with being an empath is that you
remain blind because there are people who don't apologize for hurting
others because they don't even have an idea that they have hurt another
person. All they care about is getting what they want, and if someone gets
hurt in the process, they don't consider that their problem.
Yes, not everyone is a sociopath, narcissist, or psychopath. However, most
people are toxic in a unique way. This means that as an empath, you must
approach such people with extreme caution. The last thing you want is for
your empathic soul to get involved with toxic people who will only destroy
your wellbeing. It can be your friend, boss, romantic partner, coworker, of a
family member. If you don’t exercise caution when interacting with such
people, you risk getting abused and treated badly.
Unfortunately, empaths seem to attract toxic people into their lives because
of their empathic personality. They take responsibility for their actions and
that of a toxic person. They believe that every bad thing that happens in
their relationship is their fault. Whenever they sense that the other person –
often toxic – is sad, angry, hurting, or abusive, they start thinking that it is
because of something they did. In turn, they will start trying to fix
everything.
Perhaps you are an empath. Each time things go wrong in your
relationships, you take the fall and blame even when you know deeply that
it has nothing to do with you. Perhaps the other person in the relationship is
even happy to let you do it. Whenever you confront them for their bad
behavior, they turn everything to their advantage so that everything is your
fault.
Today, you must open your eyes to their manipulative tricks. It is time to
take matters into your hands to reclaim your power. You must finally
understand you are not responsible for other people's actions, reactions, and
choices. None of what they do is your fault. You should not be the one to
always fix things up when they fall apart. If someone is not treating you
right, let go! Accept that not everyone will be as empathic as you are. There
are good and bad people out there, some of whom are toxic and beyond
repair, and you are better off without them.
The first thing is to learn to differentiate between a healthy and unhealthy
relationship so that you can protect yourself from their toxic manipulations.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
Healthy relationships are built on sincerity, while unhealthy ones involve
manipulations.
Take a minute to reflect on your relationships. Can you say that the other
person truly loves you? Before you get into a serious relationship, it is
always wise to analyze whether what you are getting into is healthy and
worth your energy. You want to ensure that the other person telling you that
they love you are not victims of their feelings and desires in the first place.
For all you know, they might be confused with their emotional feelings. It is
always a good idea to conduct a thorough assessment before taking a big
step in a sensitive area of your life.
Here’s what you need to look at in a healthy relationship;
Real giving
When you are in a healthy relationship, each one of you gives without
expecting something in return. You give freely, and this is what you would
refer to as a true gift of love. Unfortunately, in an unhealthy relationship,
people give because they expect something in return.
You must realize that trust must be the main force in operation for a
relationship to be healthy. No matter what life throws at you, you must have
each other’s back. You must have the other person’s best interest at heart,
and vice versa. For what you share to be true love, both parties must be
willing to cover the other because there is total trust.
If you are relaxed and not worried about the relationship because you know
your partner can never betray you, that is a good thing. However, if the
other person constantly gives expecting that you pay the price for
everything they give, then that is a red flag right there!
Acceptance
The other feature of a healthy relationship is accepting each other
wholeheartedly. It is not easy to discover the other person so that you can
love them completely. But when you are in a healthy relationship, you
accept them completely for who they are, knowing that there are things you
don't already know about the other – flaws and all – and still choose to truly
love them. You don't try to change them to conform to your needs and
wants. You don't try to control them just so that you can gain the
satisfaction of what you want.

Genuine desire
An unhealthy relationship is that the other person uses guilt just to get what
they want. They try to make you feel guilty to demand the things they want.
In other words, you don't have a chance to give freely and instead give
because you need to. What I like about a healthy relationship is that you can
give because of a genuine desire to meet your partner's needs, and you find
joy in seeing them satisfied.
Protecting privacy
Being in a healthy relationship means going the extra mile to protect the
other person’s weaknesses. It is about treating the other person’s dark areas
sacred without feeling the need or reason whatsoever to divulge. The truth
is, those dark areas are shared between the two of you to strengthen the
relationship. You are not allowed to reveal private information about the
other person to anyone, no matter what. What you know about the other is
only meant for the two of you. However, if the love is tainted, you will see
the other person using private information to make nasty jokes shared with
anyone willing to lend an ear.
Restoration
Every relationship goes through ups and downs – because we are human
and far from being perfect. However, a healthy relationship uses arguments
and quarrels to strengthen their relationship. With every fight you have with
the other, you get a chance to know them deeply and find ways to serve
them better instead of using fights as ammunition to hurt them even more in
the future. When you seek to know the other person better, you work at
restoring the bond you share. You don’t use fights as a chance for
vengeance, rejection, blame, and oppression.
Shared dreams
Truth be told, when you truly love the other person in your relationship, you
will seek to transform your bond into a real union. When you enter a
relationship with someone – friend, family, partner, spouse, coworker, boss,
employee, etc. – you sort of dream together, right? The fruits of that are
creating new goals that are unified and aim to promote your wellbeing. You
don't give up your dreams just so that the other can fulfill theirs. A true
bond is one that gives rather than stealing.
So, how can you tell that you are in a toxic environment?
Intensity
Whenever you realize that someone is expressing extreme feelings and
overwhelming behavior, it is a sign of toxicity. The truth is, when you feel
that someone is trying to rush your relationship along, are obsessive, and
want to see that you are in constant contact with them, realize that
something is amiss. It is not the kind of intensity you want.
Possessiveness
Is your partner possessive? When you spend time with other people, do they
feel jealous to the point that they start controlling who you spend time with
and what you do while at it?
Perhaps you are thinking, “isn’t jealousy normal in any relationship?”
Be that as it may, jealousy gets unhealthy when it causes the other person to
control you or lash out. In other words, they get upset when you hang out or
text people. They feel threatened by your relationships with others even
when there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Toxic people go to
the extent of accusing you of flirting or cheating, and when they suspect
that, they go as far as stalking you.
Unfortunately, most people think that possessiveness is being
overprotective or having strong feelings for someone, but the truth is that it
is toxic!
Manipulation
Manipulation simply means someone trying to control your actions,
decisions, and emotions. If you are not careful, you may not spot
manipulation mainly because the toxic person is smart enough to express it
in a passive-aggressive or subtle way. If you sense someone is trying to
convince you to do things against your will, values, and beliefs, ignore you
until the time they need something from you or attempts to influence your
feelings, then know that they are manipulative.

Isolation
Look at your relationships – is someone trying to keep you away from your
family, friends, and other people that are important to you? You may not
notice it at first, but they will try to take you away from all other people in
your life by asking that they spend more and more time with you until it
escalates to a level where they ask you not to spend time with certain
people.
You will hear them ask you to choose between them and your friends or
family in most cases. They will question your judgment when it comes to
choosing friends and even family. If you feel isolated, you risk becoming
independent in them for love, money, and acceptance.
Sabotage
Toxic people try to ruin your success, reputation, and accomplishments
purposely. Sabotage simply means keeping you from doing the things you
consider most important to you. Such behaviors as starting rumors, talking
behind your back, or even blackmail are all forms of sabotage. Be careful!
Belittling
An unhealthy relationship is that the abusive person will say things just to
make you feel bad about yourself. They will be rude, call you names, and
harshly criticize you. They aim to make you feel so little by making fun of
you. If you allow this to keep happening, there is a chance your self-
confidence and self-esteem will chip away little by little until you feel like
you don't deserve anything good in your life.
Guilting
You must note that when someone tries to make you take responsibility for
their actions and makes it your job to keep them happy, they are
manipulative. Guilting is a weapon toxic people use to blame you for things
outside your control just so that you can feel bad about yourself. They will
threaten to hurt themselves or others so that you can keep staying with
them.
Volatility
Toxic people have a strong and unpredictable reaction that makes you feel
confused, scared, and intimidated. In other words, they will make you feel
as though you are walking on eggshells and will overreact even to the
tiniest things. Each time you are with them, you feel like you are riding a
roller-coaster with intense ups and downs – with constant violence, threats,
and yelling.
The reason why Empaths attract toxic People
If you ever wonder why you attract toxic people into your life, the first
thing you must realize is that there is nothing wrong with you. There are
certain traits you have that make you attractive to toxic people. These traits
are:

Positivity
The truth is, toxic people like to see life in dark tones – glass-half-empty
kind of guys. When they meet you and see all your positivity, it feels like a
breath of fresh air in their stuffy existence. They feel good interacting with
you even if deep within, they consider you naïve and delusional.
The best thing you can do is let them be. It doesn't matter how positive you
are because they will still be unhappy. After all, deep within, they do not
have joy. They will always have something negative to say.
Yes, this might not bother you at first, but you will start to feel frustrated
and drained in the end. The longer you let them stay in your life, the higher
the chances of them sucking positivity right out of you.
Honesty
The thing that makes you different from toxic people is that lying makes
you uncomfortable. Even when you are tempted to tell a lie, it is evident
that the other person will see through it because you are not good at it. You
may be a straight shooter, but understand that not everyone is like you. The
problem is that you take other people's word at face value. Hence the reason
toxicity follows you because they know that they can easily get away with
lies. Once you realize that they are lying, they turn on you and use your
openness against you.
The trick is to become more selective with what you share with people.
Realize that toxic people are like information gathering machines that are
super-efficient. They will always be on the lookout for secrets, rumors, and
gossip they can use in their defense. The truth is, the less they know, the
better for you.
Compassion
Do you know why your friends and family call you a bleeding heart? Well,
it is because you are empathetic towards every living being. Unfortunately,
you feel the same towards toxic people. The problem is that their persona
cannot survive without empaths like you because they consider your
compassion their bread-and-butter. They will constantly feed on your
compassion until you are helpless.
The trick here is to lean out a little bit. Remind yourself that toxic people
love playing the victim while others take the blame and responsibility for
their actions. Realize that they will always play that role with everyone else,
especially you, because of your compassion. The main reason for this is
because they know that if they get you to feel sorry for them, they can
easily get you to do what they want.
Good listening skills
You are drawn to a narcissist because you are a good listener. It is not like
anyone taught you how to listen, but you were born that way. You have an
innate kindness that shines through when you offer someone your full
attention when talking to you. Trust me, not everyone can do that or is
willing to. But you are an empath after all, right?
Because of your ability to lend an ear, toxic people find you an irresistible
force. They will use your ability to listen to talk about themselves.
You are not their sounding board. Now is the time for you to set boundaries.
Realize that the more you listen to their endless talk about themselves, the
more they will come seeking more of your empathic, undivided, and patient
attention. Putting limits on how much whining you can take will ensure that
they don’t take advantage of you.
Non-confrontational
While you hate conflict so much, narcissists will always find a way to poke
you into an argument. They know that instead of picking a fight with them,
you would rather stab yourself with a fork than yell at them. They consider
you a pushover. Each time they pick bones with you, they know that you
will not tell them off even when you know they are crossing the line. Being
an empath is that you prefer treading lightly and choosing to understand
other people’s flaws.
If you want to fix this, simply grow some cojones. When you are dealing
with toxic people, you are treading a very slippery slope. If you are not
careful, you will start to drown in unnecessary exchanges, unsolicited
advice, and even unreasonable requests. Therefore, put on your big girl/boy
pants and say NO when you feel someone is starting to push you to the
edge.
Wanting to help
Lending a helping hand has never been a bad thing. Whenever we see
someone hurting or struggling with something, you feel the need to help
them. The problem with this is that narcissists consider you a savior. They
want you to fix things while they stand right beside you to criticize and
complain.
Instead of jumping in to save the day, take a moment to look at everything
from a bigger perspective. Realize that there is a difference between helping
and enabling. You don’t have to take responsibility for another person’s
actions other than your own. You are not to blame for failing to fix them
even after trying several times. Accept that there are people who prefer
staying broken and move on with your life.
Generosity
This is like sweet nectar to a toxic person. Naturally, toxic people are takers
and hence the reason they prefer sucking on your nectar because you are
serving it. The more you give, the more they will take until you are
completely drained.
The problem with narcissists is that the only time they want to be around
you is when they need or want something. The moment you need their help,
they will run as fast as they can just to leave a cloud of dust behind. It can
be challenging to come to this realization because the truth is, they do not
care about you – not even for a moment.
It is best if you start valuing your resources better. Watch where you invest
your time and money, and who you spend it on. The last thing you want is
someone using you as their emotional garbage and then dumping you when
they are done offloading. Understand that there are people who are designed
to just take away and offer no gratitude at all. Be cautious lest you become
resentful.
Loyalty
A loyal friend, coworker, partner, or family member will find it hard to
discard another easily. When you have a true connection with someone, it
can be hard to let go, even when you know that your gut feeling is warning
you against them. With toxic people, they know that one way to exploit you
is because you are loyal.
Take a moment to reflect on your relationships – is there someone that runs
when you need them the most? Are you still hanging out with them even
when you know they never have your back in any situation? Do you have
that relative who always takes advantage of your generosity to keep seeking
favors from you whenever they like? Or perhaps it is your spouse or partner
who constantly makes you feel bad about yourself, but you are still holding
on in the name of loyalty.
You tell yourself, "how can I cut them out of my life when we have this
much history? We go way back, or she is family, I cannot do this to them."
The truth is, you are loyal, and that has never been a bad thing. However,
they are undeserving of it. They don't deserve you in their lives. Train your
mind to differentiate between loyalty and overdependence. Yes, at times
you might feel like you owe them, but you don't! A relationship is a two-
way street – never one-sided. If someone declares their unconditional love
and support for you in public but breaks you into tears when you are alone,
they don’t deserve you, let alone your loyalty. What they need is a shove
out the door – give them that!
What you must do to fix it

Consistently set boundaries

I have said this before – set boundaries with everyone who exhibits toxic
behaviors. Every time you hear them say something negative or critical to
you, manipulate you in a way, or express jealousy instead of being
supportive, simply set verbal limits to let them know that you don’t tolerate
their behavior.
Think about it – you are out for drinks with friends on a Friday night. Then
a toxic friend says to you, “You don’t know how to dress.” Your immediate
response should be, “I don’t appreciate your comments. Kindly don’t talk to
me like that again.” If they keep at it, keep warning them and add a
consequence to it like, “If you keep making such negative comments, I will
not hang out with you again.”
Eliminate negativity from your life
You must be conscious of the energy in your space. Each time you are
anywhere with people, ask yourself, “what is the energy in this space?” If
the people around you are constantly negative, then negativity will surface
in the room. The best thing is to cut off negative people from your life and
choose to hang around people who make you feel good about yourself. The
last thing you want is to hang out with people who constantly take pleasure
in bringing you down.
Quit giving too much of yourself
As they say, misery loves company. The earlier you realize that toxic people
will do anything to take away your power, the sooner you can get away
from them. If you are not happy hanging out with them, quit giving too
much of yourself to the wolves. The truth is, no matter how many chances
you give them, you must get to a point where you say, “enough is enough!”
Quit feeding them your energy because the more you do it, the more you
crack. Take back your power and walk away.
Distance yourself from toxicity
Yes, you are an empath, but your strengths are the reason you are attracting
negative people. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge that your habit
is drawing toxicity towards you. Don’t get me wrong – I am not saying that
you start engaging in bad habits to push them away – because you cannot
fight fire with fire. The best thing to do is to look deep within to find habits
you have – and might be hard to recognize – that are attracting toxicity into
your life.
Start by checking your values and what you want from the people in your
life. Each time, stop and ask yourself whether you are living a life of self-
respect and integrity. When you constantly open the door for toxic people to
come into your space, then the chances are that you are not authentic in
your relationships. Step back and check your values, beliefs, and principles.
The most effective way is to raise your awareness of toxicity around you,
and then stop spending time with them. Minimize conversations with toxic
people. Realize that everything they stand for is different from what you
represent, and then move on to a new phase of your life.
Finally, trust that things will eventually be better. Whenever you are
stressed, take time off to figure out what is causing you stress. Perhaps you
are stressed trying to establish boundaries with toxic people in your life. It
can be challenging to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may find
yourself questioning the reason you bothered setting boundaries in the first
place.
Don’t stop setting those boundaries. I assure you – things will get better
eventually. Keep at it, and before you know it, you will get to a better place
free of toxicity.
Your empathic personality traits give you the light that shines from within
to the outside world. When toxic people see you illuminating with such
radiance, they are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. They are dark and
hence their need for light in their lives. The problem with this darkness is
that they can reflect your light but never radiate it because of their lack of
hope, joy, and happiness – simply, they are miserable. They need your light
to feel all-important about themselves.
They are not attracted to you because you are a bad person. Quit beating
yourself up for their mistakes. Your light makes them jealous, and because
they know they can never have the light you have, they try to leech it to get
some for themselves. The point is not to hide your light under a bushel or
give it away to them.
You are the light – be yourself. Raise your awareness of toxic behaviors that
might make you vulnerable to manipulation and abuse. Set boundaries and
listen to your gut feeling. Instead of paying attention to their empty
promises, realize that they are just words. The most important thing is how
they make you feel.
 Chapter 4:
Warning Signs you are dealing with a Toxic
Person.

T hink about it – how many months, coffee dates, and endless WhatsApp
chats have you invested in a relationship or friendship with someone
only to realize that they are toxic?
Well, me too!
You must realize that there are people who are not in the right place for a
relationship or friendship. Perhaps there is a personality clash between the
two of you and you bring out the worst in each other. Or you may even
realize that they are the problem because they don't want the best for you.
While that may sound horrible, it is the truth!
So, how do you know you are dealing with a toxic person in your life?
Signs you are Dealing with a Sociopath.
They show no signs of care for you.
When dealing with a sociopath, you must understand that they will not get
what you feel because they cannot feel guilty whenever they hurt you.
Think about it – how many times have you noticed that they do not show
any response to situations that typically would compel emotions?
They tend to appear robotic in most instances. The truth is, this kind of
behavior can be nerve-wracking, but it is a sign you are dealing with a
sociopath. While they might shower you with lots of affection during the
early stages of your relationship, with time, you will see that they are
master manipulators. This is your cue to quit before things take an ugly
turn.
They have huge mood swings.
The reason why most sociopaths are violent is partly that they do not have
empathy. You will notice someone who likes to control and lash out when
something is said or done that they think is a threat to their sense of control.
Take a moment to reflect on that person in your life – do they unexpectedly
flip on a switch and get furious over something insignificant?
There you have it – you might be dealing with a sociopath.
They aggressively guard their personal life.
The problem with sociopaths is that they destroy relationships they have
with friends and family and push them away as much as they can. It may be
because of this that they get so defensive about their personal life. If you
press the buttons on their friendships and family, they quickly get irritated.
They do not have the desire to open up to you about their personal life.
They are charming.
This is a good thing, right? Well, until it is not!
At first, a sociopath will appear likable. Wherever they go, they are sure to
leave a brilliant first impression. However, they have this witty personality,
and you will hear them flatter you with sweet compliments just to build you
up.
You are smarter than this – open your eyes and do not let your guard down
because they are out to fool you. Understand that it is their elaborate
scheme to control you and the relationship you share. If you realize that
they were charming and very friendly at first but have since grown cold and
emotionless, this is a sign you are dealing with someone with sociopathic
tendencies.
They are manipulative.
You must note that sociopaths are very manipulative and controlling, as we
have already discussed. But do you know why? Often, they do it intending
to get what they want. They have an urge for control over everyone they are
in a relationship with. Remember, they don't even understand what you are
feeling. They will continually hurt you and feel nothing at all.
In part, this has changed how they interact with others. They are narcissistic
and pathological liars. You will see them gaslight the relationship just so
that they can be in charge.
Signs you are Dealing with a Psychopath.
According to expert psychologists, data reveals that at least 1-4% of the
entire human population are psychopaths! When dealing with a psychopath,
it can be challenging to discover their psychopathic tendencies at first.
However, as time goes by, you start to see their true colors.
They lack emotions.
According to Scott Bonn – Doctor of Philosophy – psychopaths cannot
notice the sadness in people's faces. However, they can imitate others'
emotional responses. When they realize someone is sad, you will hear them
say something good, pat them on the back, or hug them.
What you must realize is that none of these reactions can be detected on
their faces.
According to research studies, they do not have any idea what others are
going through when scared. One murderer once said, "I don't understand
what this face means. All I know is that it is a facial expression people have
when I look at them."
They have little sleep.
According to research, most psychopaths sleep less compared to regular
people. You will notice that people who have psychopathic tendencies will
sleep only for 4-6 hours per night. The main reason for this is that they are
constantly excited, making it hard for them to calm their minds down and
sleep well.
The difference between a psychopath and a usual person is that they don't
feel as if they are exhausted emotionally whenever they don't sleep well.
They like making others feel guilty.
You will never hear a psychopath admit that they are at fault. Often, you
will notice that they will twist others' words and present the whole situation
in a way to make people feel guilty.
For instance, if they flirt will your partner, you will hear them blame you
for being too jealous. Or perhaps, you will hear them cheer you into
breaking the rules, and once you do, they turn around and judge you for
doing it.
In other words, they are known to provoke you into having certain reactions
just to bring out the worst in you or others. Why do that? Simply because
they relish it!
They are charismatic and love being in the spotlight.
The thing with psychopaths is that they are charming and love being in the
spotlight. Like celebrities, they will wear a mask just so that others can
perceive them as friendly and trust them. Whenever they meet new people,
you will see them try to make them believe they share a lot in common.
They will give them compliments and demonstrate an interest in their
personal lives. However, that is not their interest at all. They are looking for
people to like them, making it easier to manipulate them in the future.
They can be narcissistic.
You will notice with a psychopath that they will step on others' toes and
walk all over them. In whatever situation, their first aim is to do what is best
for them without a care in the world if someone else needed a little care.
You will see them show off their accomplishments while ensuring that
everybody presents other people's failures. The reason for doing this is to
look better than you and attract more attention to themselves.
They lie all the time.
What I have noticed about psychopaths is that they are not capable of the
truth. Each time they open, their mouths lies flow out just to manipulate
others and get what they want. In every situation, you will hear them give
one excuse after another. They will blame others and never take the time to
look at their mistakes in the mirror. Instead of feeling remorse for the lies
they tell, they will feel proud, especially when the lies are successful at
getting them what they need. They are not worried if someone realized that
they lied. They know that they will always come up with new sets of lies to
cover up their initial lies even before anyone questions them.
They are irresponsible.
Unfortunately, a psychopath will never see fault in their behavior. You will
hear them deny responsibility for their actions and will never accept the
consequences. They will quickly push the blame on you or someone else.
They will even go to extents of covering their actions, saying that it was the
only solution they could think of at that moment, and there was nothing
they could do.
Constantly breaking rules.
This is a common trait of a psychopath. No matter how hard you set rules,
they will break them because they think they are above the law. The thing
is, they will not only break the rules but will invite you – the victim – into
doing the same so that you can take all the responsibility.
That said, it is important to realize that most of the internet trolls we hear
and see today are psychopaths. You will see them leave nasty comments
just to troll others. Research shows that almost 95% of online trolls
demonstrated a combination of sadism, narcissism, Machiavellianism, and
psychopathy.
In other words, such people derive pleasure from hurting and deceiving
others without feeling remorse for their actions. If you have such a person
in your life, find a way to detach yourself from them lest you fall the next
victim.
Signs you are dealing with a Narcissist.
If you think about it, most people who like posting too many selfies or flex
pics of themselves or perhaps talk too much about themselves on their first
date are often termed as a narcissist. However, from what we have
discussed earlier, a narcissist has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Mental health is characterized by a lack of empathy for others, an inflated
sense of importance, troubled relationships, and a deep desire for
admiration and attention.
In other words, it all boils down to extreme selfishness at the expense of
other people without considering how your actions make them feel.
Knowing the signs to look at will help you identify the narcissists in your
life so that you can design ways to deal with them.
They were charming at first.
When you first met, it was like a fairy tale. Perhaps they sent you texts
constantly or told you how much they loved you within a few weeks of the
meeting – otherwise called love bombing. You will hear them tell you how
smart you are and emphasize that you are the perfect match for them
because you are compatible even if it has been a few days of seeing each
other.
The problem with narcissists is that they feel as though they deserve to be
with people they consider "special" and that these special people are the
only ones who can fully appreciate them. However, when you do something
that disappoints them, they turn on you, and you see a completely different
person from the one you are used to. If you ask them, you will realize that
they don't have a clue what just happened. This is mainly because their
reaction towards you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with
them.
Therefore, if you notice that someone came on too strong at first, be
cautious. Indeed, we all love it when others lust for us. However,
understand that true love is not something that happens out of the blue – it
must be nurtured to grow strong. If your gut feeling tells you that it is too
early for them to say they love you, the chances are that it is. Someone has
to know enough about you for them to say that they do.
They constantly hog the conversation to talk about themselves and how
great they are.
You will hear narcissists constantly talking about themselves – their
accomplishments and achievements with grandiose. The reason for doing
this is so that they can feel smarter and better than everyone else in the
room. This helps them create an illusion of self-assurance. According to
experts, you will hear them exaggerate their achievements and often
embellish their talents in stories just so that others get to admire and adore
them.
When engaging in a conversation with them, they are busy talking about
themselves, even listening to what you have to say. If your friend or partner
can't stop talking about themselves and won't even give you a chance to say
something, you will probably deal with a narcissist.
Take a moment to ask yourself these questions;
- When you have a conversation, what do you talk about?
- Do they give you a chance to say something?
- When you talk, do they ask follow-up questions to express interest
in what you have to say and learn more about you?
- Or do they just make it all about themselves?
They feed off your compliments.
It is easy to think that narcissists are self-confident when the truth is that
they lack self-esteem. Often, you will realize that they need lots of praise,
and if you don't give it to them, they will try to fish for it. They will
constantly look at you just so that you can tell them how great they are.
They will use other people – typically, empaths – to feed their sense of self-
worth to feel more powerful than everyone else. However, because of their
low self-esteem, you can bruise their egos so fast hence increasing their
need for compliments.
Realize that self-confident people will not rely on anyone just to feel good
about themselves. The difference between confident people and narcissists
is that narcissists need you to lift them. They will also find a way to lift
themselves by putting others down – things confident people don't do!
They don't have empathy.
Just like psychopaths, narcissists cannot feel what others are feeling. They
do not have the skill to make you feel seen, accepted, understood, and
validated. The truth is, they don't grasp the whole concept of feelings. In
other words, they don't know how to deal with other people's emotions.
Think about it – do they care when you have a bad day? Do they lend you a
listening ear to express what you are going through inside?
If you realize that they cannot sympathize with your situation, this is
because they are probably narcissistic.
They lack long-term friends.
Look at them, do they have long-term friends, or do you appear to be the
only one in their lives? The truth is, if you dig deeper into their
relationships, you will uncover that they only have casual acquaintances,
nemeses, and friends they like trash-talking about. In most cases, they will
lash out whenever you want to spend time with your friends. You will hear
them say that they want to spend time with you and make you feel guilty for
wanting to hang out with your friends. They will even go to the extent of
berating you because of the type of friends you keep.
Ask yourself:
- How do they treat people they don't need anything from?
- Do they have long-term friends?
- How do they talk about their nemesis?
They are constantly picking on you.
At first, it may have seemed like they were teasing you. However, you start
realizing that they are just mean. Suddenly, everything you say or do, eat,
wear, to the friends you hang out with is a problem. They will constantly
call you names, put you down, make you feel bad about yourself, hit you
with hurtful words, and make jokes that are not funny at all. Their main aim
is to lower your sense of self-worth just so that they can feel good about
themselves.
Whenever you react to what they say, you are only reinforcing their
behaviors. The truth is, you cannot beat a narcissist when it comes to
reactions. They use it to show you that they are powerful while affecting
your emotional state.
If you realize that someone is always knocking you down with insults when
trying to get on with your life, walk away! They will constantly make you
feel like your achievements are all because you had an advantage they did
not have. In other words, they are telling you that you are not better than
them. To them, they consider you a nobody!
They will constantly gaslight you.
This is a form of manipulation, and emotional abuse narcissists use. You
will realize that they will spew blatant lies and throw around false
accusations to make sure that the reality is completely distorted.
By gaslighting, we mean:
- They make you feel like the person you don't even recognize in the
mirror.
- They make you anxious and less confident with yourself and every
decision you make.
- They make you second guess yourself and wonder if you are only
too sensitive.
- They make you feel like everything you do is wrong and blame
yourself for everything that goes wrong.
- They make you take the fall and responsibility for their own
mistakes.
What they are doing is simply causing others to doubt you just so that they
can appear superior. They just want others to worship them by using
manipulation tactics to get you to do what they want.
They dance around defining your relationship.
Do you know why someone may not want to label your relationships?
Perhaps because they are polyamorous, keeping it casual, or are friends-
with-benefits. If you see your partner or friend exhibiting such behaviors, it
is a red flag you are dealing with a narcissist. They expect that you treat
them like they are your partner or friend just so that they can enjoy
everything that relationship has to offer – sexual benefits, intimacy, and
emotional warmth. All this time, they are also keeping their eyes on other
prospects who they consider more superior.
Take time to look at them closely – you will notice that they are flirting or
looking at others in a way to attract them sexually. If you confront them
about their behaviors and disrespect, they blame you for making a fuss.
They will call you names, say you are crazy, and use it as a reason not to
commit to you in the relationship.
If you choose not to say a word about their behaviors, you send a message
to them that you don't deserve respect. If you think of it as a lose-lose
situation, then it probably is.
Remember, you deserve someone that can commit to being in a relationship
with you to love and respect you for who you are and not treat you like
rubbish.
They never apologize because they think they are right about everything.
Have you ever fought with someone that feels impossible?
With a narcissist, there is no debating or compromising. They think that
they are always right. The truth is, they don't consider a disagreement as a
disagreement. Instead, they choose to see it as a lesson they are teaching
you about the truth.
If you feel your partner or friend does not hear you, won't understand what
you have to say, doesn't own up to their role in a situation, and does not
even try to compromise, that is a sign of a narcissist.
Ending the relationship might seem at first as the best game plan, but if you
can do it without arguments and negotiations, the better for you. If you
engage them in a fight, you risk going crazy. Remember that they lack
control. Therefore, the less you fight back, the less power you give them
over you, and the easier it is to detach and walk away.
Realize that you will never hear them apologize because of the obvious
reason – they are all-knowing! Even when they are obviously at fault, they
will not take responsibility for their actions. They will show up late for your
dinner date, not call when they promised to, and even cancel important
meetings last minute without caring how that makes you feel.
If they never apologize, then they don't deserve you. A good partner can
recognize when you are hurting and take time to make you feel better rather
than shifting blames or giving endless excuses.
When you try to break up with them, they go into panic mode.
When you try to end the relationship you share with them, they will push
harder to keep you in their lives. They will love-bomb you, say all the right
things, and make promises they know they can't keep. They will do
anything to make you believe that they have changed.
However, when you allow them back into your life, they start showing you
how much they will never actually change. Because of that, you end up in
an on-and-off relationship – but only until they get someone to replace you
with.
They lash out
What if you insist that you are done for good? In that case, they will make it
a goal to hurt you for leaving them, and leaving them bruises their ego so
bad that it causes rage and hatred to show. They don't want to see the role
they played in the breakup and take responsibility for it. All they know is
that it is your fault and not theirs.
You will hear them bad mouth you just so that others don't consider them
the bad guy. In most cases, you will see them start dating someone else
immediately to make you feel jealous and soothe their ego. They will also
try to steal your friends by painting you as a monster. This is because, to
them, a good reputation is everything and will not allow you to interfere or
tarnish it.
That said, if you are already in a relationship with a narcissist, the chances
are that you have experienced quite a bit. You are now used to criticism,
belittling, gaslighting, and being emotionally exhausted. For your sanity, it
is best to seek the help of an expert counselor to help you get through it. If
you are preparing to break up with a narcissist, it is best if you start by
reminding yourself that you deserve better. You must strengthen your
relationship with your empathic friends and surround yourself with
supportive people and remind you of the reality. Urge your narcissistic
friend or partner to see a therapist and find one for yourself too.
Unfortunately, one mistake most people make is thinking that they can
change a narcissistic person. The truth is, you can't! It doesn't matter how
much you love them or how much you try to change yourself to meet their
desires because it is in vain. Accept that they are just who they are and will
never be in tune with you. They will never be empathic to your experiences.
Interacting with them will only leave you feeling empty inside and
emotionally exhausted.
They will never feel fulfilled in the relationship because they will never
consider anything about you special enough. In other words, you will never
be enough for them because they are not enough for themselves in the first
place. What you can do is cut ties without an explanation, second chances,
or anything.
This does not mean they will let you off the hook that easy without trying to
contact you or harass you with texts, calls, and stalking. Know that you are
not responsible for their behavior, but you are responsible for yourself.
Therefore, take good care of yourself, love yourself, and know you are
enough for you!
 Chapter 5:
The Abusive Cycle: Idealize, Devalue and Discard
Emotional Abuse Red Flags
Anger

D on't get me wrong – I am not talking about their ability to feel anger.
The truth is, we should all have the ability to identify that emotion in
our lives as God-given. Here, I am simply talking about frozen anger or
resentment. One of the things that kill relationships is holding on to anger
and not addressing it. When you hold on to anger, you are opening the door
for bad things to happen. Are there issues of unforgiveness in your
relationship? In most cases, underlying anger is hurt, fear, or both.
How frequent and intense do you express anger?
According to scripture, Proverbs 22:24, you are not supposed to make
friends with hot-tempered people or who are easily angered. The truth is,
once you know someone has anger issues and is struggling with it – even if
for legitimate reasons – you should not walk into a committed relationship
with them.
Research shows that men find it challenging to face their anger compared to
women. You will see them ignore, deny, or explode. Before you enter into a
relationship with someone, assess whether they are struggling with anger
issues. If they are, then that is a red flag.
The truth is, there is no room for physical control and violence in a
relationship. You should not get into a relationship or marriage expecting
they will change, or that you will be the one to change them. The best you
can do is ask them to seek help before their anger gets out of hand and
causes them to hurt others. Unless you have strong evidence that someone's
anger has been dealt with emotionally, spiritually, and physically, you
cannot get entangled. Asking them to seek help while you remain in the
relationship with them runs the risk of pseudo-recovery.
Beware!
Lack of self-control
This is a second red flag in a relationship. One thing you must realize is that
if the person you are in a relationship with is merely a pursuer of their latest
emotional desires and experiences, life will quickly take an interesting turn,
to say the very least.
Take a look at that person in your life – do they follow through their plans
and commitments? Do they take the initiative to find a job and hold on to
it? Do they find themselves in debt because of impulse buying? Have you
opened up to each other's' credit histories? Do they have control over their
passions?
When their emotional states are like a roller coaster, there is a need to
address all the biochemical issues involved. Ask yourself what proper
changes would medication present? How likely are they to stick to their
medication? While there are legitimate explanations for their actions, you
must realize that you will still need to live with those actions once you get
married or commit to a relationship with each other. If the habits persist,
you must decide whether you are willing to put up with that for the rest of
your life.
Self-absorption
How much of your friends, family, or partner's life revolves around them?
Do they have a narrow flexibility quotient when it comes to what they
consider acceptable behaviors? Do they insist on getting what they want,
even if it means inconveniencing you or others?
Understand that when the pursuit of a relationship is in full gear, our minds
trick us into thinking that life will just be bliss seeking the other person's
interests from sunrise to sunset. Let me tell you the truth – if it does not
wear off before marriage, there is nothing to prevent it from happening once
you say your vows and exchange rings.
It is easy to think that when you need the other person to meet your needs, it
is an act of selfishness. The truth is, you must strike a balance. We are
required to look not only to our interests but that of others too. It is one
thing to want your friend or partner to show interest in your needs, but it is
quite another to take an interest in their needs too. When you study how
your partner or friend responds to others' needs, that is likely how they will
react to your own needs. Ask yourself, "Am I willing to tag along with their
self-indulgence?"
How much attention and energy do they invest in your appearance?
Don't get me wrong – there is nothing wrong with dying your hair and
working out regularly. While you need to pay attention to your appearance,
you must also balance that with the attention you give your friend or
partner. If it keeps you from serving others, then that is an indicator of
narcissistic tendencies. It may be hard to see this when what you are
looking for are results. However, self-absorption becomes evident and
destructive to your relationships.
Victim mentality
Are you struggling in a relationship with distrust? Does your partner come
in and play the victim even when they are the ones at fault? Or perhaps it is
the other way around – you play the victim. Most people would refer to this
as self-pity, critical, hyper-sensitivity, or martyrdom. In other words, the
thread connecting this is one's difficulty dealing with pain, letting go, and
moving forward.
You must understand that life is a series of whirlwinds that never seem to
end. Some people and circumstances are perceived as the cause of
undesirable events. You will see someone blame almost anything or anyone
to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. When you commit to
marriage, it is even easier for a spouse to blame the other for lack of
satisfaction.
The question is, is there truth to the other person's perspective?
Probably yes!
However, if they are not willing to get past the pain, there is a good chance
they never will. The outcome of this is that you end up with a bull's eye on
your chest. There is a chance their narcissistic personality disorder is
getting in the way of change. If they don't own their shortcomings and tend
to narrow down a band of acceptable habits for you – you are dealing with a
narcissist, which is a sign of emotional abuse. You may tell yourself that
you can put up with it, but for how long? When your romantic feelings are
sky-high, that can be easy to overlook, but you can't stop what is to happen
next when things begin to fall apart.
You cannot rescue the victim. No matter how hard you try to express true
love – Godly love – you will not change them. It may be tempting, but
notice that it is only a trap!
That said, establishing a bond with a narcissist is not easy. They will blame
you for their mistakes and will never own up to their role in anything. They
will continually manipulate and abuse you. This is the systemic way they do
it:
Step 1 Idealize
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is often accompanied by them
making you feel like you are in the best relationship ever. They will trick
you into believing that the relationship will last for eternity. They start by
making you believe that you are soulmates and that they have been waiting
for you all their lives.
The truth is, the relationship is just like passing waves of the sea.
Their behavior often paves the way for love bombing – showering you with
praises, compliments, courting, empty promises, and endless honeymoon
vacations just to make you feel special. That is when they move on to the
next step of devaluing.
Step 2 Devalue
At this point, they are comfortable in the relationship, and so are you.
However, it is the time when red flags start flashing. They will start subtly
and then gradually become aggressively detached from you even when they
made you feel special at the beginning.
They will devalue you with small remarks they make, reduced emotional
and physical intimacy, gaslighting, and putting all the blame on you for
their own mistakes.

Let's take a minute to just think about the devalue phase – your partner puts
you back on the pedestal, and you have to jump through all the hoops just to
remain there. What if you do the opposite? What if you walk on eggshells?
Let us consider an example where your partner texts you nonstop while
hanging out with friends – you can barely have fun at all. But then, you
decide to concentrate on your date with friends, and so you respond to their
messages an hour later. Here, they will start calling you names and sending
accusations of cheating and flirting with other people. They will complain
that they don't even spend enough time with you because you are always
out with friends.
If you deal with such a person, you need to stop caring how long you take
to respond. Define boundaries. At this point, you will have seen the patterns
and realized that no matter what you do, they always find a reason to upset
you. If you are hanging out with friends, what difference will it make if you
respond immediately or later? What is the worst thing that could happen?
They already have subjected you to their rage over things several times.
Realize that devaluation is an inevitable stage because they are wired that
way. They will always find something to threaten or offend you by. Stop
walking on eggshells and start accepting that there is no different outcome
as long as you are in a relationship with such a person.
Don't hold back. The best thing is to keep calling them out no matter how
hard they try to silence you. The difference here is that you will be doing it
from an empowered position as much as possible. Tell them, "I don't
appreciate you using that tone with me or how you treat me," and then leave
the room. Let them know that their attempts to paint you in a negative light
are noted and remain calm.
Responding to them from a position of power ensures that they have
nothing to use against you with others. Stick up for yourself because you
deserve respect for your person and boundaries – and if they don't get it,
then you shouldn't be together in the first place.
Step 3 Discard
The truth is, once they are satisfied with the ego you give them, they will
leave you. They will completely ignore the respect, honesty, compromise,
boundaries, and empathy you asked of them when they started devaluing
you. They will make themselves believe that you – whom they've
considered as perfect – are no longer good enough to soothe their ego. They
will make you feel bad about yourself and leave.
Realize that being with a narcissist will not only affect you emotionally but
mentally too. You need to work with a psychotherapist who will help you
address the emotional traumas you have suffered. Once you understand
what you have suffered, you begin to understand the cycle of abuse, which
will help you move forward with your life.

You will often notice that your abuser will discard you or give you silent
treatment mostly because you are not putting up with their abuse. You are
no longer giving them your power by giving them reactions they need to
feel validated. My advice is to avoid placating their twisted mindsets.
Remember, if you don't stick up for yourself, no one will. What you are
asking for is respect, and now, they are ignoring you for it. Whenever they
are not around, use that time to reflect on your life and focus more on your
self-care needs.
If they come back, do not excuse what they did. Ask them why they are
doing it and pay attention to their response. The truth is, you can use the
knowledge of what is happening to outsmart them and stop the painful
nightmare you are going through. Your responsibility is to make choices
that best serve you. Even the slightest change in how you respond, process
events, or challenge their thinking brings you a step closer to making all
other necessary changes.
The moment you start making changes that protect you from their abuse,
the more you shut them out of your life and ensure they are gone for as long
as possible. When you make their narcissistic habits uncomfortable patterns
for you, they get ingrained in your subconscious such that each time you
detect a similar behavior in others, you know what to do to handle them.
You don't have to wait for the idealization stage to start. You can start right
where you are. If you are in the devaluation phase, choose to respond
calmly and walk away from their poisonous habits. If you are already in the
discard phase, cut the connection with them completely. Quit trying to
contact them no matter what. Think about why they discarded you in the
first place and raise your awareness of the traps they set up for you with
their patterns.
Yes, this is not going to be easy – no one said it would be. However, a day
will come when you will see them in a different light as you establish new
neural pathways in your brain on how you view relationships and how to
respond to similar patterns in the future. With time, you will realize that
they become less and less appealing, and you get to a point where you say,
"enough is enough" and stick to it as your truth.
 Chapter 6:
Narcissist Manipulation Techniques
Gaslighting

T his is one of the manipulative tactics used by narcissists. Some of the

phrases they like using to gaslight are:
- Are you crazy?
- I think you just imagine things in that little head.
- That did not happen.
This is perhaps the most insidious technique aimed at distorting and eroding
one's sense of reality. Narcissists use this to make you doubt yourself and
inevitably disable you from feeling justified to call them out on their abuse
and mistreatment.
The best way to fight back is to ground yourself in reality. You can write
things that happened in order of their occurrence and then tell your friends
or support team to come up with ways to counter the effects of gaslighting.
Silent treatment
The thing with narcissists is that they will give you silent treatment as a
weapon to attempt to devalue you. This is a passive-aggressive technique
used by emotional abusers to control their victims while also neutralizing
their actions. They want to leave you as confused as possible and wreck you
emotionally.
You must note that when you start calling them out on their actions and
behaviors, they will give you the silent treatment. They want to neutralize
your attempts to call them out. Often, they do it when they know they have
secured your love and are out there hunting for new victims to trick with
their charm. The silent treatment might start slowly and then gradually
grow into something massive they use as a punishment for confronting
them.
Often, the silent treatment is confused with healthy timeouts. You need to
understand that healthy time outs are usually constructive, neutral, time-
bound, mutually agreed upon, and aim to offer practical solutions in the
end. People use timeouts to take breaks to deal with emotions that are often
unclear and overwhelming so that, in the end, they come back with clear
thoughts.
On the other hand, the silent treatment is indefinite, destructive, unilateral,
filled with contempt, and aimed at alleviating the abuser's accountability
and apportioning blame. It is a manipulative trick narcissist use to get away
with anything.
If you don't take time to calm down and communicate with your friend or
partner with the utmost clarity, it should not be confused with the silent
treatment. You are not trying to manipulate the other and cause them
distress. You are not intentionally withholding communication just to
control or coerce the other person. When you are on timeout, you allow
people to gather thoughts, calm their emotional feelings, and talk about
their experiences to find the best way to approach things lovingly and
healthily. It offers clarity and calm, whereas silent treatment offers
confusion, ambiguity, and distress.
But who uses silent treatment?
In most cases, this is used by manipulative and toxic people. It is a passive-
aggressive attitude that is highly effective and flexible; hence most abusers
use it. The truth is, anyone can find themselves a victim of abuse and
manipulation. However, you will find that the silent treatment causes the
victim to pay attention to themselves instead of focusing on the abuser in
most cases. On the other hand, the abuser shifts blame to the victim,
causing them great emotional distress to push them into taking
responsibility for their mistakes.
Stonewalling
This is also called diversion. Once you call them out on their actions and
they deny everything you say without showing remorse, they will get angry
and start punishing you by withholding everything that makes you feel
good. In other words, what was once love bombing is now gone. No more
love and affection. They want you to go crazy and start begging them for
love. They want you to ask them what happened, and when you do, they
will respond with dull answers as they enjoy watching you beat yourself up
for their mistakes.
They will use your reactions to fuel even more stone walls. When you ask
them if they still feel the same way they felt about you when you met, they
leave you hanging with no response. The truth is, the more you seek
closure, the less they will give it to you. This is because it gives them more
power, and they start feeling important because they know that they have
control over you.
Projection
As mentioned earlier, you will never hear a narcissist take responsibility for
their actions. They will continually claim that all the nastiness surrounding
them is your fault. In other words, they are projecting.
The truth is, we all make a little bit of projection from time to time.
However, for a narcissist, psychopath and sociopath, projection is the order
of the day. They use it as a defense mechanism to displace responsibility for
their negative habits and traits by attributing them all to you or others.
The only way you can counter and defeat their projections is to avoid
projecting your compassion and empathy towards them. Don't own any of
their projections towards you. When you project your conscience and value
system into them, you risk giving them a chance to manipulate you even
further.
Generalization
Think about it – at the office, you report that a coworker fails to consider
their financial decisions' long-term effects. If that coworker is a narcissist,
they will translate and say that you called them a loose cannon. In other
words, you say one thing, and they generalize and call it the other. If you
raise your concerns about a deal, they go ahead and report that you said the
deal is a disaster.
The truth is, they understood well what you said, but they chose to interpret
it their way because of a lack of interest to see your point of view.
What you must realize is that malignant narcissists are not always
considered intellectual masterminds. The truth is, most of them are
intellectual dwarfs. Instead of taking the time to consider the information
carefully and see your perspective, they choose to generalize everything
you say into a single blanket statement. They fail to acknowledge the
nuances of your argument or look at things from the bigger picture
perspective.
The trick is to hold fast to your truth and refuse their generalization. Insist
that their way of looking at things using blanket statements is rather
illogical because not everything is black and white as they like to see it.
Moving goalposts
The thing is, they constantly move goal posts to get others to be dissatisfied
with you. No matter how much evidence you give them to support your
argument or take action to meet their requests, they will continually set
expectations of you or ask for more and more proof to see how far you can
go.
To them, they are playing a game on you – and the best thing is to avoid
playing it with them. The only thing you can do is validate and approve
yourself. Understand that no matter how hard you try to make things right,
they will always find something negative to say because it is never enough
for them. Don't allow them to make you feel deficient and unworthy –
because you are enough, and that is what matters most.
Changing subjects
Normally, people switch conversational topics innocently. However, when
dealing with a narcissist, they will change the subject to avoid taking
responsibility for their actions. They don't want to be accountable for
anything. The last thing they want is someone trying to hold them
accountable for anything. To avoid that, they reroute the subject of
discussion to something else – preferably one that will benefit them.
The problem with this is that it can go on for eternity if you allow it. They
aim to make it impossible to have a constructive and fruitful discussion on a
relevant issue. The best thing here is to try the broken record technique to
fight back. Continually state the facts without yielding to their distractions.
Each time they redirect, redirect by saying something like, "You know that
is not what we are talking about. Kindly stay focused on the real issue."
If they don't change, simply disengage and spend your energy on things that
add value to your life and others.
Name-calling
The truth is, from the moment they start devaluing you, they will call you
all sorts of names. However, just because they have been doing it for as
long as you can remember does not make it right. Don't tolerate it. Each
time they call you names, end your interaction right there and let them
know that you will not tolerate it. Instead of trying to internalize it and
letting it get to you, realize that the only reason they resort to calling you
names is that they are intellectual dwarfs that are deficient in high-level
techniques of resolving issues.
Smear campaigns
When toxic people cannot control how you view yourself, they will try to
control how other people perceive you. In other words, they will play the
martyr as others label you the toxic and manipulative person of all time.
They use the smear campaign as a preemptive way to tarnish your image
and slander your name.
In other instances, you will see the divide and conquer by creating a divide
in friendships to form two opposing groups – one for you and another
supporting them. No matter how many rifts they create in your friendships,
do not allow them to win. Write down every form of harassment they use
and avoid taking the bait. Do not allow their horrible provocations to get
you into behaving like them.
Devaluation
We have mentioned this as one of the phases of their abusive cycle.
However, it is also a tactic they use to manipulate you. The last thing you
want is to surround yourself with someone that denigrates the last person
that held your position as they try to praise you.
Realize that narcissists do this all the time, and they will do it to you too
when the time comes. These are the kind of people who devalue their exes
to their new partners, and once you become the ex, you receive the same
treatment as the last. This is a dynamic that happens in any realm of life –
personal or professional.
Simply raise your awareness of the concept of devaluation as the first step
to countering it. Whenever someone speaks ill of another, avoid
contributing or entertaining their slander because the next time, it will be
you they are slandering.
Aggressive jokes
The issue here is not that you lack a sense of humor. They use their cutting
jokes with a hidden intention of hurting you. A narcissist enjoys making
malicious remarks just to bring you down. You may not notice it at first, but
soon, you will realize that they dress things up as jokes, but what they are
doing is saying appalling things that hurt you while pretending that they are
innocent statements. When you get outraged by their insensitive remarks,
they turn on you and accuse you of not having a sense of humor. Don't let
them gaslight you into thinking they are just joking. Call them out on their
behavior and make it clear that you will not tolerate it.
Triangulation
One other way toxic people will attempt to distract you from their nastiness
is by focusing on another's supposed threat – a concept called triangulation.
In other words, they will come running to you to report what others said
about you when, in fact, they were saying it with them.
Beware of such people and realize that such drama is a form of
manipulating you by disguising themselves as victims when, in fact, they
are the enemy in a goat's skin. The best trick is to reverse the triangulation
or draw support from a third party that is not under their narcissistic
influence.
Things ALL Narcissists Say
There are statements narcissists like to use at different stages of their abuse:

Idealization stage
- We are meant to be together. You are my soulmate.
- I have met so many people but never someone as wonderful as
you.
- No one understands me better than you do.
- Fate brought us together.
- No one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel.
 - You are the only friend I have.
- We don't need anyone else in our lives, just us.
- You are the most beautiful, creative, perfect, kind, and smart
human I have ever known.
- We are meant to be together for eternity.
Devaluation stage
- You imagine things.
- You are too sensitive for no reason.
- You are crazy.
- It is no wonder I am the only friend you've got. No one likes you.
- No wonder all my friends hate you but I am always the only one
defending you.
- You are so insecure.
- There is something wrong with you.
- I never matter to you. Your friends always come first.
- Trust me, your tears won't work on me.
- I will not allow you to manipulate me like you do everyone else.
- I act like this because my parents abused me when I was a child.
- Everyone likes leaving me. Please don't leave me. You are my
world.
- Don't you remember how great we were at the beginning?
- Your siblings don't like me. You probably should not see them as
much.
- If you leave me here alone to go see your friends, I will be very
angry.
Discard stage
- Everybody hates you because you are nothing.
- You are the most terrible person I have ever met.
- No one will ever love you as I do.
 - Consider me the best you will ever have. No one will tolerate all
your nasty, childish behavior.
- Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.
- You brought this all on yourself.
- This is what I have been warning you about, and you never listen.
Things narcissists say to get you back.
- Please don't leave me; I have decided to get help.
- You can't do this to me now.
- I just ran into them when we broke up. They mean nothing to me.
- You are the only person that understands me better than I
understand myself.
- I can't do this alone. I need you to walk this journey with me.
- I never meant to hurt you. I will spend the rest of my days making
it up to you.
- Let us just be friends then.
- I knew the first day I met you that you were the one for me.
- You are the only one I love.
- I think we can find help in couple's therapy. Don't you see how
committed I am to make this work?
- You can't leave me like this. I am down, and I need you to stay with
me.
That said, you must realize that narcissists will never admit it when they are
wrong. All their fears about your relationship are playing out underneath.
 Chapter 7:
How to Stop from being Manipulated

R emember, a manipulator or abuser's main aim is to create an imbalance

of power to exploit you just to meet their selfish interests or agenda.
The best ways to avoid being manipulated are:
Know your human rights
When dealing with a narcissist, you must know your human right to survive
and recognize when you are being taken advantage of. The truth is, you
have a right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights from being
infringed on as long as you do not harm others in the process. However, if
you harm others in the process of seeking your rights, you end up forfeiting
the very rights you are fighting for.
Some of the fundamental human rights include;
- A right to be treated with respect
- A right to freely express your wants, feelings, and opinions
- A right to set your priorities
- A right to get what you pay for
- I right to say "no" without necessarily feeling guilty about it
- A right to take care of yourself and protect yourself and others from
harm's way – whether emotionally, physically, or mentally
- A right to hold a different opinion from others
- A right to create your happiness and healthy wellbeing
Your role is to use these rights to define your boundaries. Yes, the society
we live in is full of people who will step on your human rights all the time.
Narcissists, in particular, will always seek to deprive you of your human
rights just so that they can control and use you to their advantage. However,
you have the power and moral authority to say NO to them and let them
know that you are in charge of your life just like they are of theirs.
Keep a safe distance
The best way to detect a manipulator is to raise awareness of how they act
in different situations and different people around them. Are they two-
faced?
The truth is, we all have this form of social differentiation when in different
situations and the presence of different people. However, in the case of a
narcissist, they will habitually dwell in extremes, pretend to be very polite
to others while being completely rude to others. One moment, they will act
helpless. In contrast, in the other, they are fiercely aggressive.
If you observe this kind of behavior in an individual regularly, it is best to
keep a safe distance from them. Try as much as possible not to engage with
them unless it is necessary. Realize that the reason they could be
manipulative is complex and deep-seated, and it is not your responsibility to
try to save or change them.
Avoid self-blame and personalization
Considering the main agenda of an abuser is to look for a chance to exploit
your weaknesses, it is understandable if you feel insufficient at some point.
You may get to a point where you feel like blaming yourself for not
satisfying your narcissistic partner or friend.
The most important thing at this point is to remind yourself that you are not
the problem. Realize that you are just a victim of manipulation, and you
shouldn't feel bad for yourself. The truth is, the more you feel you are to
blame for another person's mistake, the more you are giving them your
power and rights. Simply consider your relationship with your abuser and
ask yourself these questions:
- Are they treating me with genuine respect?
- Are their expectations and demands of me reasonable?
- Do I feel good about myself in this relationship?
- Is the giving in this relationship two way or unidirectional?
Once you answer these questions with utmost honesty, you will see where
the problem is coming from.
Ask them probing questions
Another way to avoid manipulation is to focus your attention on the
manipulator as they make requests of you. Examine their offers to see how
they often make you go out of your way to meet them. If you hear an
unreasonable solicitation, put that focus back on the manipulator by asking
them probing questions. Find out whether they have enough self-awareness
to realize that what they ask of you is close to impossible.
Everything they ask of you has to be reasonable, fair, and something you
can offer. Also, you must examine whether they are asking or demanding.
What do you get out of their requests and demands, and do you think you
can do it?
Asking questions is like putting a mirror up so that the manipulator can see
their true nature. If they have some sense of self-awareness, there is a high
chance they will see how unreasonable it is and withdraw their demands.
However, if your manipulator is a pathological narcissist, they will likely
dismiss your probing questions and insist that you give them what they are
asking for. If that happens, the following tips will help you keep your power
and stop their manipulative habits.
Use time to your advantage
Your narcissistic partner will expect you to give them an answer
immediately on top of additional unreasonable requests. They do this to
maximize the pressure and control they have over you in that situation.
Instead of responding to them immediately as they want, consider using the
time to your advantage. Simply distance yourself from them immediately to
avoid their influence. You can simply exercise leadership by saying things
like "I will think about it and get back to you."
Just these few words are very powerful and will send your manipulator to a
relaxed state. This way, you can take time to critically examine the pros and
cons of the situation, consider what they want, and the need to negotiate a
more equitable deal. If you are better off, you can simply say no, hence the
next point.
Know how to say NO firmly while being diplomatic
To say NO in a diplomatic yet firm way, you must practice and master the
art of communication. If you articulate it effectively, it will allow you to
stand your ground and still maintain a practical and workable relationship
with them.
Remember, you have fundamental human rights no one should infringe
upon. Use those human rights to set your priorities straight. This way, you
can say NO without feeling guilty, hence choosing the happy and healthy
life you deserve.

Set consequences
When a narcissist insists on violating all the boundaries you set and will not
take "NO" for an answer, it is time you deploy consequences. When you
identify and assert repercussions, you have a chance to effectively stand
down a difficult person. If you effectively articulate consequences, you stop
manipulations, and you start seeing them shift from violation to respect.
Safely confront your abuser
The thing with narcissists is that they tend to become bullies when they
intimidate you and cause you harm. What makes them happier is seeing that
they can do all that while you remain helpless.
The most important thing to note about abusers is that they pick on people
they consider weak. Therefore, the more you remain passive and compliant,
the more you make yourself a target. The truth about manipulators is that
they are cowards inside. When you show that you have a backbone, know,
and stand up for your rights, they gradually retract. This is something we
see every day in office environments, homes, and schoolyards.
From an empathic perspective, most narcissists are from violent
backgrounds. While this is no excuse to stop their abusive behavior, it may
help you consider them in more understanding light.

Phrases That Destroy A Narcissist

You are a loser
Some people may also use other alternative words like, "you are a failure,”
or “you are such a disappointment." The problem with saying these words
to a narcissist is that they go right into the core of the things that bother
them most – most of which are past bitter experiences. Remember, a
narcissist lacks an inner sense of value. Saying these words is like tearing
them apart.
When you say these words to someone that knows their worth, they
probably will ignore you and say something like, "you can think whatever
you want." However, it is not the same with a narcissist because you expose
what they are most afraid of.
I don't believe a word you say
As we have already discussed, narcissists are pathological liars, and they
will lie through their teeth without any shame. They lie about easily
verifiable things. The thing is, they don't have a problem telling a lie and
using more lies to cover up their initial lies. However, if you tell them you
don't believe a word they say, you are essentially calling them liars directly
– and that will make them go crazy. Instead of saying this, you can simply
say, "you can choose to believe whatever you like because I know that is
what you think." This phrase validates what they think while also letting
them know that you don't think what they say is true.
I'm busy
Often, we say things like, "I don't have time for you right now. I'm very
busy." The problem with saying these things to a narcissist is that they lash
out at you for putting them second to everything else. What this tells them
is that you have important things – and that is not them. Therefore, be
careful. Instead of saying this, you can simply let them know that you are
finishing up something, and you can get back to them at a specific time –
especially when dealing with someone you have to work with like a boss.
Even as you say this to them, ensure that you are not using a negative tone.
Remember, a narcissist hears things that are not even there. You want to be
careful because even the slightest edge of the tone might send the wrong
message. Don't say things with emotion. Allow yourself to be calm and
collected before uttering a word. Learning to respond to a narcissist in this
manner is one of the most important skills you will ever learn.
I did not read your mail/text.
This is a little dagger to a narcissist, which sends the message that they are
not important to you. It makes them think that whatever they wanted to say
to you was not that important to you.
You are wrong
Each time you feel these words fighting to come out of your mouth, try to
resist saying them. Trust me, telling them that they are wrong, and you are
right will not make them stop and contemplate. Don't even bother. Unless
there is something they stand to gain in a manipulative way, they will not
accept that they were wrong.
Perhaps you are wondering, "what if I have children with a narcissist? What
do I do?"
The best way is to minimize contact by employing parallel parenting. The
last thing you want is to inflame a toxic person because it will only make
things worse. The good thing with avoiding contact or using the words that
destroy them is choosing to play into their hands. Remember, a narcissist is
a street fighter, one that plays dirty. They always look for opportunities to
fight because when you engage them in a fight, you assure them that they
have control over you.
Whenever you are upset, you are feeding their narcissistic ego. Therefore, if
you choose to use these words to destroy them, bear in mind that you will
get back something so much worse than you expect. The best advice is to
stay calm, calmly respond to them, set boundaries, and choose to walk away
as soon as you can. Insisting on triggering their rage and injury is inviting
them into the ring. They will plan how to attack you back and hurt you even
more than you have hurt them. If you are not cautious, you will get sucked
into their insanity vortex. Therefore, before you say any destructive words,
think twice, and ask yourself if that is what you truly want.
How to disarm a Toxic Person
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is that it hurts so much – especially
when you finally walk away. Several questions will be racing through your
mind looking for someone to blame. You must realize that you are the
priority, and that is what you need to heal.
The truth is, a narcissist may be unaware of how much you are hurting
while others derive pleasure from the chaos they create and will always
believe that everything that goes wrong is your fault. These toxic people are
in your workplace, family, friendships, circles, and even romantic
relationships. The three fears we have are shame, abandonment, and guilt.
Unfortunately, narcissists can push these buttons too far. They use a wide
range of techniques to bring out fear in us or project their fears on to us.
The reality is, they are insecure people carrying around shame, guilt, and
are paralyzed by fear of being abandoned.
To disarm them, you must be willing to listen to your body because it never
lies. Here's how:
Breathe
Each narcissist has a unique style of projecting their fears on us. When you
recognize these signs, pay attention to what your body is telling you. Use
these signs as a warning to walk away from them. You can simply excuse
yourself and leave the office, room, or place you are in. Even if you are on a
plane or train, you can excuse yourself to use the bathroom.
When you move away from them, take in slow deep breaths. Being in a
relationship with a narcissist is that you are constantly like a soldier going
to war – except you did not sign up for this. Constant attacks can take a toll
on your body. When you sense attacks, you can stand with your legs apart
and your hands on the hips. This will help change the chemical processes in
your body. It is always a good idea to take yourself out of the situation to
breathe and calm down. This way, you can respond more assertively and
calmly.
Learn to say "NO."
Unfortunately, this is the most difficult word for most people. What you
must bear in mind is that toxic people lack tolerance for boundaries. The
thing is, they will cross every boundary you set, whether at home,
workplace, or relationship. The best way to disarm them is to learn to say
"no" by setting boundaries. Practice saying no to the things you are not
okay with and see how that feels. If they make you overwhelmed all the
time, pay attention to the things they demand from you. If you find you are
struggling with saying no, then you can let them know that you will check
ABCD out and get back to them at a certain time. This will strengthen you
to say no if it clashes with something else you have in your plans.
For instance, if you are asked to do something, you need to check your
availability that day in light of other projects if you can check yourself off
by reading a book or taking a bath at home, etc.
Listen and observe
Once you understand what a toxic relationship looks and feels like, you will
pay attention to your body and its message for you. The truth is, whenever
you are in a certain situation or surrounding, your body will always tell you
how you feel about it. There is a chance you will notice a calmness at work
or home when a certain person is not around. It is best to avoid getting
caught in their drama and manipulation tactics.
Before you engage in a conversation with them, listen to what they are
saying and not saying. Ask yourself whether you are getting into a situation
where you are being used in some way. Are they covertly picking on you?
Before you react to anything, pay close attention to what is happening.
Your soul needs to understand the fact that some people pretend to like you
for their selfish gain. It could be a lover professing their love for you just so
that they can bathe in the attention you give them. Or perhaps it is a parent
demanding attention by reminding you of all the things they have done for
you. Whatever it is, learn to listen and observe.
Focus on what is good for you
Remember, a narcissist is always after power and control, and all they want
is for you to focus all your attention on them. If you are in a romantic
relationship with a narcissist, perhaps you will hear them question who you
are and doubt your dreams and aspirations. They will make you create a
fake future together – one that revolves around what they want.
In the workplace, it could be that coworker that constantly challenges your
ability to do something. They will constantly stir up fear in you and tell you
that you cannot do things. They will try to make you small. You must
remember that they are using covert manipulation tactics to ensure that you
stay right where they need you to be.
Again, the most important thing is to listen to your body and thoughts. Ask
yourself, have I heard this from anyone else before? Do these statements
remind you of someone in particular?
Put your focus on what you want and claim your needs – the law of
attraction at work. Focus your thoughts on what you want, and before you
know it, you will start attracting those things into your life. Challenge all
the manipulative thoughts your narcissistic friend, coworker, or partner
keeps telling you. Ask yourself, "what are my dreams for the future? Are
they still intact? Who is judging my abilities at work, and are they qualified
to judge me?"
The bottom line is – you attract what you focus on. Ensure that you are
focusing on what you want and not what others want for you!
Distance yourself and detach
Once you know the signs to lookout for, realize who they are, and master
their game, you can create strategies to protect yourself. Remind yourself
that it is all about you. The truth is, you can never play a toxic person at
their game because it will all backfire on you, and you will end up getting
hurt.
The trick is to distance yourself from them and be emotionally detached.
Listen to the emotions coming up from within – shame, anger, guilt, fear,
etc. Remind yourself that the object of their game is to get a response from
you. The last thing they care about is you exploding on them in a surge of
anger. They will not blink when you burst into tears. The truth is, they will
thrive at your gush of enthusiasm because all they are after is having power
over you.
Ensuring that you distance yourself from them makes it clear to them that
you are not willing to play their game. This is about finding your poker face
and not revealing anything to them. Simply remove yourself from the
situation, walk away, take in a deep breath, and strike a pose.
Create space
It could be physical or emotional space. You can find a place to get away to
just to meditate. Realize that whenever toxic people surround you, your
energy is greatly affected—being out of their aura, even if for a few
minutes, can help you refocus on what matters to you most. Create a space
at home or at the workplace where you can go to find yourself again –
balance. It could be the garden, park, or just taking a walk in nature. Trust
me, there is nothing as satisfying and calming as hearing children laugh. It
helps you restore balance into your life and changes your energy in a
positive direction.
Strike a pose
While I am not a Madonna fan, we all are a bunch of chemicals held in
place by our skin – the largest organ in the body. Take a moment to just
think of all the statues in a museum – carved out of white marble. Don't try
to react to the statues. Instead, become one. You can imagine yourself as
Venus de Milo in the Louvre, Paris. Choose to be the goddess of love for
yourself and use all the surrounding statues to bounce off all the attacks
directed at you by your abuser.
Realize that we all are a bunch of chemical reactions – much like a lab
experiment. If you add a certain ingredient, you risk getting an explosion, or
if you add another, you get quite the opposite. Instead of engaging them,
choose to walk away and find a space to just strike a pose. Think about it –
when you talk to a statue, do they respond? I didn't think so – and that is
exactly what you should do. Just pose!
How to outsmart a Narcissist
The first thing you must note is that it is theoretically possible to outsmart a
narcissist. However, you must ask yourself why you want to outsmart them
in the first place. To outsmart them, you will need to play by their rules –
and that sets you up in a vicious game or a hellish zone, to say the very
least.
The problem with this is that you will constantly be in an inner turmoil,
which is precisely a trap they have set for you. They are trying to get you to
think that your situation is as good as it gets when that is far from the truth.
Just the thought that you are trying to outsmart them will energize them to
go into war. There is nothing they would enjoy more than to fight you and
prove who the superior party is.
Before you do anything stupid, remind yourself that they are an arsenal of
all the crazy tactics in existence. All they want is to see you out of control
and acting like a crazy person. They want to ensure that they bring you
down and take all the credit of how right they were about you – and then go
around accusing you of being abusive, controlling, and selfish.
What happened there? Gaslighting!
If your goal is to establish healthy ways to relate with yourself and others,
grow and protect your happiness in response to your abuser's tactics. Set
your intention not to allow their tactics to waste your energy and emotional
resources. Simply identify their patterns and learn to respond to them in
ways that neutralize their power over you. Your aim should be to repel
them, not attract. When you master how to protect your happiness,
wellbeing, and growth, you will never have to compete to outsmart them.
All you are after is deep life satisfaction – instead of cheap, addictive
thrills.
To a narcissist, you are a fierce competitor – and so is your relationship.
The idea of being partners in a relationship is foreign to them – there is just
a top dog and underdog. In that case, the underdog is constantly looking to
be the top dog. The thing with a narcissist is that they are constantly looking
for a sign that you are trying to control them, subvert their will, dominate
and render them powerless.
Think about it – how many times have they accused you of being
controlling?
They would rather self-destruct than allow you to outsmart them. It is like a
fight between a team with grenades and another with squirt guns. What you
are doing is trying to get them to partner and be close to you, while on their
end, they are creating strategies on how to ambush and take over control
from you. They think that their self-worth and existence depend on beating
you down just so that they can feel superior and validated.
Whenever you disclose your hurts, vulnerabilities, and pains, they take
notes – except not for the right reasons. All they want is to know your
weaknesses and everything that triggers your insecurities, fears, and
wounds so that when they strike, they do it hard. Trying to outsmart them
simply means going down to their level. Unless your goal is to destroy their
sense of self-worth, stay out of it.
There is nothing you will gain from a do-or-die competition. To be the big
person means that you aspire to grow an empathic connection towards
yourself and others. Try to feel their vulnerabilities with their strengths.
Instead of trying to poke the bear, remind yourself to be mindfully aware
and present in every situation. Strive to be centered, confident, and
authentic whenever you are around them. Accept that it takes two people to
make a relationship work and stay healthy. You can only do your part – not
theirs. If they keep relating to you like a fierce competitor, it will only hurt
your relationship.
Realize that you cannot outsmart a toxic person without hurting your
humanity. The best thing is to cultivate your ability to make conscious
choices that enrich your life, allowing experiences to grow you smarter and
stronger, and understand their patterns so that you can see the world from
their perspective. This way, you are better placed to neutralize their impact
on your emotional state of mind and body.
The real need is not to outsmart them but instead awaken and stay alert so
that you are no longer affected by their false personas. You need to save
your energy to use it as a protective shield around your sense of security
and self, which will allow you to reach for your higher-energy goals and
power.
 Chapter 8:
Should I expose the narcissist?

T his is a question I hear most people asking. The truth is, this is an
important question because the last thing you want is to expose a
narcissist and come across as being crazy or irrational.
Exposing a narcissist calls for smart and well-thought-out strategies.
So, should you expose a narcissist? The short response is YES!
Here's how you do it right:
Pay attention to their behavioral traits.
Unfortunately, when we are in a new relationship, it is easy to overlook lots
of red flags. We do it just because we are not ready to accept that the
honeymoon phase does not necessarily lead to a happily ever after!
Irrespective of how strong your emotions are, you must pay attention to
how the other person behaves. Instead of brushing things that bother you
under the carpet, seek to address them. Don't ignore that sinking feeling in
your gut that keeps telling you that something is not right.

Call them out from the beginning.

Once you are sure that the other person is displaying unsavory tendencies,
call them out there and then. You must set clear boundaries to ensure that no
one is taking advantage of the other in the relationship. Whenever you see
or feel that something is not right, don't make excuses or cover things.
Understand that this is a small but very important step to exposing
narcissist. Trust me, when you constantly call them out from the first
instance, you will stop things from spiraling out of control and getting
manipulative – this is the only way to know what it is like to be a
vulnerable narcissist and bring out their real face to the world.
Don't put up with toxicity.
Realize that manipulations and lies will put you at the receiving end of
constant toxicity. The truth is, it is a form of emotional abuse that will only
take a toll on your mental wellbeing. Therefore, before you expose a
narcissist for who they truly are, you must stop putting up with their toxic
behaviors from the very beginning. You must focus on self-healing. When
you act on the intent to expose them to the rest of the world, they will
quickly capitalize on your weaknesses and seek to project you like the crazy
one in the relationship.
Don't fall for the "I can change" promises.
As soon as you start resisting a narcissist's behavior, they will immediately
counter it with the empty promises of making amends. It never gets old –
always promising to change. The problem with this is that they don't mean
it. It is only a tactic they use to keep you under their thumb.
You must not fall for this trap!
If you do, then you are setting yourself up for more toxicity.
Realize that narcissism is a personality trait that is ingrained deep in their
fabric. No matter how hard you try to force them into changing, they will
not overcome it. The sooner you realize it is not your job or responsibility
to turn a narcissist into a good person, the better for you.
Only use facts while exposing them.
As you lay the groundwork to expose a narcissist, you must ensure that you
are armed with facts to bring the truth to light. That is when you finally
make a move to expose them in real life and on social media.
You must ensure that sentimentalities and emotional overtures do not sway
you at this point. The best thing is to share facts depicting their behavior
with the people that are the most important parts of the equation. At this
point, there is a high likelihood that the narcissist will try everything they
can to twist the facts and find an angle that will work in their favor.
Beware because things could get uglier. Develop a thick skin before you
expose them and never allow pressure to get in the way of your intentions.
Once you commit to the true line, you can easily get out of the vicious
circle of trauma.
How do you expose them to court?
The steps we have just discussed are kept to exposing a narcissist, and you
must follow them down to the T if you are seeking legal recourse and want
to expose them in court. Trust me, just telling the jury that the person
displays narcissistic tendencies will not cut it. You must have hard facts and
evidence to back your claims. You must also employ a calm demeanor to
see through everything that happens after.
Remember, narcissists have special penchants for making others fall apart
through intimidation. Avoid addressing them or their lawyers directly.
Instead, choose to make your case to the jury or judge. Ensure that you
maintain enough distance from them before you speak your mind. You must
not engage in conversations outside the courtroom and once you are inside,
try to avoid eye contact because they can do anything to rattle you.
When you keep calm and detached from them, you will leave them
disarmed and triggered. This way, they will soon spiral out of control and
put their delusional behaviors out for the world to see.
How do you expose them to the workplace?
There is a marked difference between personal and professional
relationships. This is the very reason you need to employ a distinct
approach when exposing a narcissist at the workplace.
The most important thing is to start by paying close attention to their modus
operandi. Professionally, narcissists prefer using the divide and conquer
policy. Their trick is to cozy up to different people and make them feel that
their allegiance is sworn. They turn around and use that proximity to stir up
an atmosphere of rivalry just to suit their constant need for appreciation and
attention.
At the workplace, they will try to shrink your responsibilities and constantly
find fault in everything you make for a chance to blame you and make you
look incompetent.
When you create an atmosphere of transparency, you make it easier to
expose them, considering they are pathological liars, and the truth is not a
word in their vocabulary. Again, remember that facts are your biggest
friends in this war. Therefore, ensure that you record every little detail –
like proof of incompetence, damning conversations, and scheming ways.
Never allow them to get a whiff of your plans. Also, avoid confronting
them alone even when you have sufficient evidence against them. If you do,
you risk them turning the whole situation around and making yourself look
crazy, bad, or paranoid. Bear in mind that they already have allies to back
them up. The best trick is to bring all the facts and evidence you have in
front of the whole group of coworkers – preferably during a formal meeting
with senior and subordinate staff. This way, you disarm their triangulation
tactics, and they will have nowhere to run to.
When you expose them, they will start mudslinging and projecting their
pathological insecurities. Ensure that you are prepared to see the battle to
the end. Realize that going down this path takes courage, but in the end, you
will enjoy the benefits – an organization and coworkers with good
intentions and respect for all.
How do they react to being exposed?
Once you expose them, you must be ready for the next step of the process –
an inevitable backlash. Because of that, you must know how a narcissist
reacts to being exposed.
Yes, you have freed yourself from all their emotional abuse towards you,
but they will not walk away without trying to punish you for it. Remember,
they are control freaks that are incapable of sensitivity, remorse, empathy,
or any care in the world. Regardless of how they have been treating you,
they will end up feeling like you have wronged them. They will feel
betrayed by your actions.
They will desert you and instead make themselves needed just to get back at
you.
Their idea of settling scores is to hook you deep into their toxicity that it is
a nightmare breaking free even when you understand them well. The only
way to bounce back is to ensure that you release yourself from all ties –
emotional, logistical, financial, etc. If people took their side and believed
them, cut them loose from your life because they don't support your hard,
cold facts – they are not worth your while anyway.
Once they realize they have lost the power to manipulate, control, or hurt
you, they will lose interest in keeping you around them. How is that for
freedom from a narcissist's clutches?
Today, understand that you can survive after exposing a narcissist.
Yes, the trauma of exposing them can be more overwhelming than putting
up with them. Whenever you are with them, there is an endless ebb and
flow of their toxicity and abuse. However, once you have cornered them,
they will try all they can to bring you down, which can be challenging to
cope with. The best thing is to constantly remind yourself that this phase
will pass, and you will eventually emerge from it free forever.
It will not happen overnight. You need patience, perseverance, and courage
to see it to the end. Hang in there!
 Chapter 9:
Practical Exercises to heal after Narcissistic Abuse

L ooking back at the abuse I experienced being married to a narcissist; I

see how miserable I was. By the time I was breaking free from him, I
was a complete mess. I completely lost my self-esteem and, most
importantly, my self-confidence. It took me months to finally stop crying.
Finally, I managed to go to therapy, and now things are working for me
again.
Healing is not an easy road – you must be willing to find yourself again.
The best way to understand what is happening is to realize our minds and
hearts travel on different tracks. The key to getting whole again is
communicating your feelings openly to each other. One time your heart is
telling you how much you love that person. At the same time, your heart is
telling you it is over because they abused you, and you need to detach
yourself and get as far as you can from them.
The back and forth dialogue between your mind and heart can go on for so
long without resolution. They are two different views of the same situation
– one is focused on how good you felt when things were working out
between the two of you, and the other is focused on the reality of how
everything has turned out.
You must note that you don't have to wait for something to happen for you
to finally break away from them. There are several things you can do to
speed up the healing process. You have the power to end the destructive
pull and push or your emotional self.
Some of the exercises you can do to achieve healing include:
Challenge your false beliefs
This is a four-part exercise that can speed up your healing process.
Part 1 Start by writing down all the beliefs you have about your
relationship with that narcissistic person.
Here, I am referring to all the beliefs that get in the way of you moving
forward with your life and finding someone new to love.
Most of the time, we find ourselves thinking these thoughts:
 - It is all my fault that things did not work out the way it should
have.
- I could have done something to make the situation better, but I did
not.
- His/her new lover is better than me, and that is why they are treated
better than I was.
- I will never be able to find someone that will love me and treat me
as special as he did.
If you examine the list above, you will notice that it is heart-based. What
you are doing is emotionally longing for the person that once loved you and
made you feel good and special. This side of you does not want to
acknowledge and face the pain you are currently experiencing in reality.
You don't want to accept that the love you once thought was everlasting and
perfect with this woman or man will never happen. Just the thought that
nothing can be salvaged from your relationship except for the wisdom you
have gained is too painful to face.
You find yourself trying to persuade your logical self into thinking that
there might be a way to make the relationship work if you get to do it all
over again. The heart is telling you to hang in there because you might still
be able to get back your boyfriend/girlfriend/ friend/spouse or coworker.
Unfortunately, your heart is that of a person taking on more blame than you
should for the failure of the relationship.
Part 2 Who encouraged you in your childhood to take all the blame?
A narcissist does not develop from anywhere. They are usually a result of
abusive childhood experiences. Perhaps they got a share of inappropriate
treatment from their parents. It helps to realize that the thing standing
between you and your current situation is a repeat of the same childhood
experiences you had. Why are you taking on all the blame when you know
full well that your partner is a narcissist who had a part to play in your
relationship's breakage?
Is there someone in your childhood that made you take on blame when
things went wrong?
If a narcissistic parent raised you, the chances are that you were blamed for
virtually everything that went wrong – the milk going sour in the fridge, etc.
Growing up, my mother would get angry and yell at me on the streets.
Everything was my fault, including losing her cool. She would say that the
only reason she was yelling was that I was disrespectful.
You may have gone through a similar experience and now feel that you
should blame everything that goes wrong. The truth is, you are not to blame
for another person's behavior.
Part 3 Ask yourself what you get out of protecting an abusive partner and
blaming yourself for it.

The truth is, we don't just blame ourselves out of habit but also because of
history. We do it because we know that by blaming ourselves, we are
serving a hidden psychological reason. If you want to move on with your
life and heal, you must recognize what you are getting out of self-blame.
Why are you protecting your narcissistic partner, friend, or coworker? Is
putting all the blame on yourself serving a specific purpose?
We often think that if we take the whole blame, we make things better –
after all, we loved how they made us feel at the beginning. We want to feel
special and beautiful, like they told us. It can be hard to let this go because
we can never find someone better to make us feel confident again. If we
accept they are narcissistic, there is nothing we can do to address the
problem.
The problem with thinking this is that you allow yourself to dwell in the
past – in the hurt – and make healing impossible. Healing will not come if
you hold on to the picture of them at the beginning, leaving out the abusive
parts.
Part 4 Write down true statements next to each belief in part 1
Do you remember all the beliefs we discussed in part 1 of this exercise?
Yes, against each belief, write down true statements. Ensure that your mind
is telling you that whatever you are writing is true even if your heart does
not want to believe it.
Let's try this;
 - It is all my fault that things did not work out the way it should
have. –He/she has a history of being abusive in relationships. It is
not my fault that they are abusive.
- I could have done something to make the situation better, but I did
not. – There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome.
- His/her new lover is better than me, which is why they are treated
better than I was. – From what I have gathered, he only treats
people well at the beginning of the relationship because there is
something he wants out of the relationship. Even if he/she treats the
new person well now, it is only a matter of time before they start to
show their true colors.
- I will never find someone who will love me and treat me as special
as he did. – I am a wonderful person. Even though I have my
imperfections, no one is perfect in this world. I will eventually meet
someone who finds me attractive, special, and will treat me right in
a normal way without changing into something opposite.
Whenever you are tempted to blame yourself for everything that happened
against your expectations, go through part 4 repeatedly. The truth is, it is
challenging to heal from narcissistic abuse because our focus is only on the
good parts. Most people tell themselves that they could have done things
differently. They imagine that the narcissistic partner will be giving another
person the perfect friendship and love they crave.
You need to realize that you need several doses of cold reality to counteract
all the fantasies you keep telling yourself so that you know that you did not
lose anything fantastic. Instead, you are getting out of a miserable life and
opening up yourself for something beautiful to happen.
Allow yourself to grieve by going into your feelings without trying to avoid
them. The more you feel the emotions, the faster you will face them head-
on and heal. When you grieve, you allow yourself to express the emotional
energy stored in your body. The best way to do this is to talk about your
pain, loss, and emotional feelings. Surround yourself with the loss and
remember all the good and bad times you experienced. Write all these
feelings in a letter and bid them goodbye.
As you spend time with yourself during your grief, there will be a sense of
shock and denial. You will find yourself asking, "did this happen to me?"
"What do I need to do?" There is a chance you will be doing this and
wishing that the person you lost comes back even when you know they
abused you. You will feel unwanted, and this will contribute to more self-
doubt. There are times when you are tempted to believe that you are
defective or not as good as the other person.
To challenge those self-limiting thoughts, you must replace them with
positive affirmations: "I am enough. I have what it takes to attract a loving
person into my life. I am lovable and attractive. I can be whole. I am
healing from all the pain, loss and shame, etc."
Once you do this, put back the responsibility on the other person. Just
because they are willing to leave, hurt, and even blame you does not
necessarily mean they are right. The trick is to put the onus where it
belongs. Their behavior says more about them and less about you. Stop
beating yourself up for their actions and decisions. They treated you badly
not because you are a bad person but because they are just who they are –
and their value system.
Think about it – a committed relationship is one in which there is
satisfaction at a personal level. Perhaps they are just incapable of loving and
staying in a long-term relationship, which is a narcissist's signature anyway.
Most narcissists discard people because it is part of their course and never
your fault. Simply imagine yourself picking a mantle of the responsibility
off your shoulders and setting it on theirs. Picture yourself being free of all
burdens of responsibility and the demise of the relationship.
Just because they chose to treat you badly and end the relationship does not
mean that you will never gain something valuable and meaningful in the
future. The most important thing is to pick up a few lessons and let them be
your guide as you move forward. Ask yourself, "What have I learned from
being in a relationship with a narcissist? What can I take with me to the
next relationship? Is there something I could have done differently?”
Realize that you are not asking these questions for self-blame but personal
evaluation and growth.
In most cases, the answer may be that you should have left this person a
long time ago and allowed yourself to invest your feelings and love on
someone that will love you unconditionally. Choose to move on, let the past
stay where it belongs – in the past – so that you can move forward with
your life. Healing is all about personal growth, loving yourself,
rediscovering who you are without the other baggage, and embracing
yourself fully. It is about realizing the value of not colluding with your
abuser and abandoning yourself.
The best you can do is take yourself by the hand – figuratively speaking –
and then choosing to live well. The best way to live life with happiness is to
invest in yourself and your future. Have plans and goals. Use them to create
a vision board and manifest all that you want into your life.
I like what Katharine Weber once said, "Life sometimes seems like nothing
more than a series of losses, from beginning to end. That's the given. How
you respond to those losses, what you make of what's left, that's the part
you have to make up as you go.”
 Chapter 10:
How to rebuild Yourself after Narcissistic Abuse

F our major pillars are destroyed during a narcissistic abuse that you will
need to rebuild here;
- Self-esteem
- Self-worth
- Self-trust
- Self-love
Let us take a minute to reflect on Newton's Law, "stationary objects tend to
remain stationary. Moving objects tend to remain in motion."
What does this have to do with narcissistic abuse and rebuilding yourself?
You must note that one of the most difficult things about overcoming
narcissistic abuse is the ability to shift your focus from the pain of the past
to gaining momentum that will help you focus on the future you want.
The truth is, we naturally respond to abuse with pain – because it broke our
hearts and crushed our sense of self-esteem. Often, I hear most people tell
me during our coaching sessions, "I don't understand why he/she would do
this. I always thought that he/she loved me."
You must bear in mind that a narcissist or someone who is borderline
psychopathic or sociopathic does not suddenly switch from normal to a
disorder because they are under pressure. Remember, it is a personality
disorder for a reason. It is who they are and will always be. Most
individuals project their perceptions and values onto their narcissistic
partners. The fact that we have empathy, forgiveness, and compassion that
runs deep in our veins makes us question our narcissistic partner's terrible
acts.
In that case, we end up giving them the benefit of the doubt. We repeatedly
do this and end up enabling the abuse and even causing it to escalate.
Rather than addressing the root cause of the problem, we continually let our
kindness get in the way. Eventually, we justify their behaviors, and that
allows the cycle of abuse to continue.
Finally, we wake to the harsh truth and ask ourselves, now what?
This is where true healing starts. At first, it may feel as though you are
climbing a muddy hill and will keep sliding back. You will be exhausted
when you realize that you are not getting anywhere. However, it only seems
that way. The truth is, every time you are kind to yourself, it adds up to your
healing process. Eventually, your small acts of self-care and self-love gain
momentum, and months later, you realize that you are no longer pulled into
a spiral of despair. Everything you have done has helped fuel your desire to
be even kinder and forgiving to yourself.
Here are some of the ways you can rebuild your life after narcissistic abuse:
Set boundaries
We cannot say this enough – boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
If you will get past the pain, heal and rebuild your life, you must be willing
to put a protective shield around yourself. The best thing is to physically get
away from the person that abused you. The truth is, any memory of them
will keep triggering pain and slowing down the healing process. Delete
their contacts, block their emails, and social media access. The whole point
here is to get rid of any kind of memorabilia of them.
And for God's sake, stop stalking their profile!
If you cannot physically get away from their surroundings, consider using
the "grey rock" technique. In other words, as you interact with them, ensure
that you are both mentally and emotionally disengaged from them. This
way, you give them nothing to feed on. Even if you know that you are
burning inside, you get a hold of yourself and keep your cool. Then when
you are alone, you can vent – cuss, cry or scream. Anything that brings you
relief.
The other form of boundary we mentioned earlier is to learn to say no. This
is one of the best ways to rebuild your self-respect and self-confidence.
Consider your boundaries as your cell wall, which keeps nutrients in and
shuts toxins out. Be very picky in whom you allow into your life.
Get toxicity out of your system.
Think about it – the whole time you spent with the narcissist, you did
everything in your power to please and appease them, right?
The truth is, that is when you were exposed to serious mental disorders.
This is something extremely unhealthy to the mind. You did everything you
could to understand them and even walk in their shoes. You did not realize
that they knew that the whole time and chose to take advantage of your
empathic nature.
For you to heal and rebuild your life, you must be willing to let go of all
that darkness so that you can start seeing everything. The best way to do
this is to externalize the poison – write about what happened, talk to
someone you trust about it, and engage a coach or therapist. Surround
yourself with a supportive team that can relate to your experiences.
When you take time to externalize everything you went through, you allow
all the chaotic thoughts of confusion to be restored to a semblance of order.
In other words, you clear the slate from all the debris.
You can externalize your pain by engaging in activities you enjoy, like
dancing, deep breathing, yoga, working out, or getting a massage. All these
will metabolize the toxic chemicals in your system and help you focus on
what is best for you going forward.
Acknowledge the truth and forgive yourself.
This is one of the most crucial steps to healing and starting life anew. It is a
step that sets your mind straight. You must be willing to accept that the
person was toxic and that they hurt you intentionally. Notice that they
tricked, manipulated, and abused you. You have a high pain threshold that
worked to your advantage, which made them abuse you more. You saw
them as a reflection of you, which prevented you from seeing all the
warning signs. It allowed them to fly under your radar.
Acknowledge that they took advantage of your desire to explore love,
empathy, transparency, and positive sociability.
All that was not your fault. Forgive yourself for not seeing it and move on.
Realize that some part of you knew.
The truth is, you stayed with a narcissist long after they started abusing you.
Is it because you never saw or realized that they were manipulating you?
No!
Some part of you knew what was happening, but you disregarded it. This
step is not to make you feel guilty for not seeing it. Instead, it is about
taking responsibility by doing a rational post-mortem analysis of what
happened.
Perhaps you had a feeling in your gut at some point during the early stages
of your relationship. Or perhaps they said something that did not add up.
You must review all that and find out why you disregarded your gut
feeling.
Is it because you wanted it to work? Or perhaps it was all the love and
admiration they lavished you with, which filled the void in your soul that
was left from childhood. If you have never felt truly loved in your life –
especially by your guardians – it is normal to want to seek fulfillment in
adulthood. However, you must realize that this is a huge vulnerability,
especially when predators are smelling the love wound on you.
Your gut feeling is your best friend. As you listen to your intuitions, it
grows stronger by the day. In the aftermath of abuse, it can be hard to
connect with your intuitions because you have become hypersensitive to
your surroundings because of PTSD. It is challenging to tell the difference
between a real threat and a fake one. If you are going through this, it is an
indication you must remain in hibernation to heal. It is always better to err
on the side of caution to avoid any questionable situations or characters.
Do some self-inquiry.
This is an exceptional opportunity for personal growth. At this point, you
have looked at your vulnerabilities. While this is not easy to do, we must
open ourselves to self-inquiry even as we desire change. Realize that the
only time you will see real change is when you do deep work.
If enlightenment was ever on your list, you must realize that you now have
a leg up. A potent form of awakening is one in which you rise from the
prison bonds of narcissistic abuse. Some examples of your greatest
vulnerabilities that attract manipulators are:
Need for security
This is likely having flashbacks from childhood or having some form of
neglect, especially from your father. The most fundamental role of a father
is to instill a sense of security and protection by showing it in their actions.
Without it, we set out into the world with an impaired sense of security.
Need for admiration
When you don't get enough nurturing during childhood, there is a chance
you will suffer from this. When parents ignore their children at an early age,
it manifests as low self-regard and self-confidence later in life. This places a
risk on the child because they are attracted to predators when they start
saying all those sweet nothings.
Need for acknowledgment
This could be an acknowledgment of our significance, intelligence, or
accomplishments. The truth is, most people walk around with empty
buckets and a nagging sense of feeling inadequacy. The irony in this is that
some people feel this even when they are well accomplished. The main
reason for this is that the feeling of being unimportant does not dwell on the
surface. Instead, it is lodged deep in their subconscious mind.
To get there, one must constantly and persistently acknowledge themselves
by mastering the art of positive affirmations and taming the negative inner
critic. The good thing about positive self-talk is that once you grasp it, you
stop relying on other people's opinions of you. that is when you experience
new and true freedom.
Heal your inner child.
If you want to rebuild your life, you must be willing to take a trip to
childhood from time to time. In this act, you create a sense of inner
cohesion, which gets rid of all unresolved pain and restores your deeper
connection and sense of self-trust. The child inside needs your help – to see,
hear, love, and guide them.
Shift your focus to what matters most.
There are times when you will feel like the past is pulling you back. This is
the trauma and cognitive dissonance bond at play. It signifies that there are
still things you must understand and emotions that need to be processed. To
start your life on a clean slate, you must continue this work. Rather than
allowing your past to steal the joys of your present moments, you set aside
some time to just address them.
Start by practicing mindfulness and visualizing the future you wish to
manifest. If there are dreams you had given up on, now is the time to
resurrect them. When you have a sense of purpose in life and things to look
forward to, you are in a better position to overcome constant pulls of trauma
and launch yourself forward. The most important thing is to know your
"why" so that you stop being a victim and become the hero of your life.
When you are healed from narcissistic abuse, you become more whole,
integrated, and self-loving. It is a gift and what you do with it depends on
you.
Practice listening.
Remember, your inner intuition is your best friend. Even when you are in
pain and chaos, your gut feeling will help navigate you through and out of
suffering. Most of the reasons you went through narcissistic abuse and
manipulation were out of your control. Understand that we live in a world
filled with manipulative people who only care about themselves. However,
you cannot make something of your life if you keep living in the past. You
must take your destiny into your hands and start paying attention to the
things that matter.
Practice listening to the voice that tells you how you feel. If you are at a
crossroads, always choose the voice that aligns with your inner feelings.
The whole point here is to feel relaxed and open to what life has to offer.
If you pay attention to the voice of your intuitions, it will lead you to a new
life in which you are in control because you know who you are and what
you want. It helps you realize that life is full of endless possibilities, and if
you can find one that is in harmony with your inner desires, you can start
manifesting the life of your dreams into reality.
Activate your Vagus nerve.
Realize that you are constantly in a state of hypervigilance when you are in
an abusive relationship without knowing it. Even when there are moments
of highs, you constantly feel like you are on a roller coaster ride. Other
times, you would tiptoe just so that you avoid disturbing your abuser. These
things caused overstimulation of your sympathetic system and pumped lots
of stress chemicals into your system, hence the reason you felt exhausted in
the relationship.
To override the feeling, you must work on activating the parasympathetic
system, which switches off the fight-or-flight response mode to rest-and-
digest mode. The best way to achieve this is by activating the Vagus nerve.
The best way to do this is to practice the art of deep breathing, lying on the
right side, and taking a cold shower.
Exercise patience.
Moving forward is not about beating yourself up for slipping up and falling
back into the pit. It has nothing to do with making faster progress. What
matters is that you are making progress, even if it is small. Instead of
getting frustrated and constantly crying, choose to be kind to yourself.
Realize that healing takes deep work, and that needs time too.
We have different rhythms, even when we have gone through somewhat
similar experiences. You will need time to heal and rebuild your life to a
state where you are happy doing the things that matter most to you. Know
this, no matter how long that takes, if you are committed and patient, you
will eventually get there – baby steps!
 Chapter 11:
Q&A about Narcissism

C onsidering a narcissistic relationship can be confusing and frustrating,

many questions arise with urgency and angst. Most people are
concerned with a lack of confidence, excessive perfectionism, self-doubt &
self-blame, a harsh inner critic, drained energy and vitality, difficulty
asserting oneself, trusting others, spontaneity, or even choosing a healthy
relationship going forward.
The fact that you are reading this book means that you have been looking
for ways to deal with a narcissist in your life and understand why they
behave the way they do. We all desire to protect, empower, and get past any
destructive aspects of our relationship with a narcissist. Here, we have put
together questions most people ask and their answers, which I believe will
help your healing process.
Q 1 How do I spot a narcissist?
One test is to find out how you feel in their presence. If you feel that you
are on equal footing with them and listen and value you for who you truly
are, you are probably not dealing with a narcissist.
However, if you feel that they are constantly belittling you, the chances are
that you are dealing with a narcissist of some sort. Remember, narcissists,
do not have empathy and often see other people as objects for their
gratification. They are wired so that winning and feeling superior to others
is the most important thing to them. They constantly want to be the center
of attention. They do this because they lack a vital psychological health
component – a fully developed self.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person, they will make
you feel like you are walking on eggshells. They find pleasure in constantly
putting you down even if for no reason at all. It feels as though you are
running on an endless treadmill – always trying to get their approval and
avoid disapproval. There is a feeling of righteous indignation, and you find
yourself asking, "how can someone who is supposed to love and care about
me have no empathy at all?"
Despite their desire for superiority and wanting to feel invincible, the truth
is that they are unworthy, terrified, flawed, and empty inside. They are
insecure about all their inadequacies, so they see the need to constantly
disguise or deny them just to fill the void. They expect you to cater to them
and admire them, and when you don't meet their expectations, they become
enraged.
Q 2 Will a narcissist ever change?
Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by distortion of healthy
norms related to feeling, thinking, and relating. Someone who has
narcissistic tendencies is "disordered," and that is a personality. Even
though most researchers do not agree universally about this, the truth is that
their personalities do not change substantially after their teen years. Their
disordered behaviors are who they are.
This simply means that their basic style and tendencies are set for life.
While some narcissists can change some of their behaviors if sufficiently
motivated, others are not capable of change for some time. Even if they
change some of their behaviors, they find their way back to their mean self
as they age.
Q 3 Can you beat a narcissist at their game?
The problem with a narcissist is that they are focused on winning, status,
dominating, and image. In their pursuit of these things, their desires often
feel like a life-or-death situation as they try whatever they can to defend
their ego and superiority.
They are scared of being flawed, ordinary, and powerless. Because of this,
they have mastered their game so well that they appear perfect, special,
powerful, or even successful.
You need to ask yourself, "Is this a game I want to play?"
The truth is, you want to tread your grounds carefully lest you upset them
and get hurt in the process. It is best if you play your own game. You get to
outsmart by playing a game they are incapable of competing with – one
with higher values like equality, empathy, fairness, reciprocity, and
compassion. I like what Michele Obama once said, "when they go low, we
go high." You win by standing up for your deepest values.
Q 4 What is the worst thing you can do when dealing with a narcissistic
person?
If you depend on a narcissist, then the chances are that things will not work
out well for you. You cannot try to change them and expect that they will
endure loyalty or even expect reciprocity. You must understand that
anything and everything you get from them does not come freely – it has
strings attached.
Q 5 How can I protect myself from destructive narcissists?
There are various types of narcissists. Some are hungry for power and
domineering, while others are charming even though they have an iron fist
in their velvet glove. Many narcissists are manipulative, whereas others
operate in stealth by gaslighting you and making you fall into the trap of
self-doubt. On the other hand, other narcissists are victims of martyrs, while
others portray themselves as omnipotent and larger than life itself.
Irrespective of what style of narcissism one has, there is always an option
for handling them. Yes, there are no perfect options, but what you need to
ask yourself is, "at what cost?" “What do you stand to lose by standing up
to a narcissist?”
Remember that they are vindictive, and if you lose your sense of self, there
is a high price to pay. Therefore, you must decide what you will and will
not tolerate.
Q 6 How can you heal and recover from narcissistic abuse?
First, you must understand that no matter how betrayed, manipulated, or
used, you are by a narcissist, realize that they are out there to satisfy their
selfish needs. Their needs are more primal, and even if it means using
hurtful tactics to get what they want, they will – and that is not personal to
them.
Realize that the closer you are to a narcissist, the more you will see them at
their worst. The problem is that you cannot be too close to them without
getting burned in the process. Remember, narcissists cannot provide for
themselves their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. They use others to fill
that void. Because of their dysfunction, they will prey on empathic people
like you just to get what they want. Trying to stand in the way of what they
want will only end up hurting you.
Secondly, to heal, you must do what narcissists did not and could never do
for you – honor yourself. You must honor your feelings – grief, anger,
despair, and a sense of injustice. Whatever you are feeling, understand that
it is okay to feel it. The truth is, feelings are not wrong because they are
information derived from your psyche.
Whatever you do to deal with a narcissist, honor that. While you might do
things differently, were you to do it all over again, you must understand that
you did all you could to meet your needs, protect yourself, and stay alive.
Finally, you must trust yourself to know the difference between healthy and
unhealthy relationships. Take care of yourself because that is not
narcissistic – it is an essential part of healthy living.
 Bonus Chapter
The most important Think you need to know

W hen we go through narcissistic abuse, it is easy to lose self-esteem

and start thinking poorly. Most people try to establish new healthy
living habits to overcome the negative feelings they have – like working out
at the gym, eating healthy, reconnecting with friends, or working to adopt
positive life choices.
Perhaps you are thinking, "these are good things, what is the problem?"
The problem is that many people turn to negative and often harsh self-talk
when one or more of the approaches they take do not click. When people
force themselves into routines they don't want to follow, they start rebelling
and get into self-defeating habits. They use it as a way for them to stay
connected with themselves and have control.
You have been through a lot! However, before you embark on new
exercises, diets, and routines to rebuild your self-trust, confidence, and
esteem, you must start by developing a new relationship with yourself. The
best way to achieve this is by employing positive self-talk. This way, you
become emotionally invested in new routines and habits you are developing
so that they are easier to execute and sustain over time.
You must do these things:
Harness your internal complementor
Every one of us has that internal voice that observes and critiques the world
and how we perform in it. Unfortunately, most people have allowed their
inner critic to punish them by telling them how they lag and are missing the
mark. You have to stop punishing yourself.
Pause and watch what your inner critic is telling you about yourself. Then
turn on your inner complementor to find positive things to say to you.
Before you believe all the negative things your inner critic tells you, take
time to let the complementor vet those statements. In most cases, you will
find that all those negative things are lies. By turning on the inner
complementor, you are taking the sting out of the criticizer – and this
renders it powerless!
Harness an internal motivator
According to Albert Bandura, a renowned psychologist, a person's beliefs in
their ability to succeed are termed self-efficacy, which is closely related to
one's perseverance. If you don't believe you can manage a task or improve,
there is no point in trying. If you want to feel better about yourself, even if
you have been to hell and back, you must turn on the internal dialogue that
says you can do it, win, and succeed in every situation.
When you raise your awareness of your self-talk, you make it harder to sink
into hopelessness. The truth is, if you don't harness your internal motivator,
you will be stuck in the first gear. But does this mean you will always get
what you want? Definitely not! However, it will improve your likelihood of
succeeding and your state of mind.
Call yourself out of cognitive distortions
Having experienced narcissistic abuse firsthand, there is a high likelihood
you will battle with low self-esteem. Your cognitive distortions will play
out repeatedly in your inner critic. The problem with these cognitive
distortions is that they tend to misrepresent the facts of what truly
happened. They will only bring you more anger, pain, fear, and frustration.
You must watch out for the black-and-white thinking that keeps telling you
that everything is bad just because one situation happened.
You start feeling like you are abandoned just because one person – a
narcissist – walked out on you, and you forget all the amazing friends you
connect with. The last thing you want is to allow sweeping negativity to
stand in the way of rebuilding your life. Don't just look at the pain and
hopelessness you experienced and forget all the positive things life has to
offer.
Develop a kind internal tone
As you begin to accept and embrace a new and improved way of self-talk
and connecting with yourself at a deeper level, you must observe the tone
you use with your internal self-talk. Think about what tone your loved ones
would use when reassuring you of something – wouldn't it be positive?
Or perhaps you can think of the tone you would use when speaking to a
small child who has been struggling with pain and abuse – wouldn't it
positive, gentle, and loving?
That is exactly how you should speak to yourself – calmly and
compassionately. When you repeatedly use a warm tone when talking to
yourself, you make it easier to accept yourself just the way you are. You
accept that you are human with all the imperfections that make you unique,
which helps build your self-esteem – limitations and all.
 Conclusion

I ndeed, we all have narcissistic tendencies in us – in varying degrees.

What is interesting is that we have no idea how to measure this
personality trait. We don't know if someone is high in this trait until we
have had a chance to interact with them in a relationship only to realize the
very qualities that attracted you to them are the very ones that annoy you
now deeply.
To understand a narcissist's mind, it is best to start with how this personality
trait develops. If you look at your childhood, would you say your parents or
guardians did all it took to ensure that you were successful and felt good
about yourself?
Narcissism starts with an overprotective parent who constantly tells their
child that they are special. They overdo everything to ensure that their child
never takes risks or even experience any challenges. With time, the child
learns that they must scream or cry to get what they want, especially when
they feel pain or do not get enough pleasure.
As they grow, they start making demands of otheres, believing that they
"must" get what they want. Imagine what happens when that child is a teen
– the most difficult time for most humans? They realize that the world
around them is non-compliant and unforgiving.
Think of them as people who have been sentenced to a life with no love for
humanity. Instead of loving others, they choose to fall in love with their
reflection and then die, hungering for a response. In other words, they love
themselves by seeking its reflection in others' eyes, hence the likelihood
that they don't really love themselves but immensely dislike who they are.
Their arrogance, self-flattery, and perfectionism can merely hide their self-
loathing habits.
The self, brought by shame, comprises an inferior, super-acting, devalued
self. When this self is in an inferior position, manifestation of shame is seen
through their idealization of others. However, when that self is in the
superior position, their grandiose personality aligns with their inner critic,
which tends to project by devaluing others. These acts of devaluation and
idealization of others are results of shame and depression.
You don't have to fit into their cold world.
You don't deserve a life of emotional abandonment or lose your confidence
and sense of self-worth because of their behaviors and attitudes towards
you. Open your eyes. Accept that each time you communicate your
disappointments, they will twist it with their defensive blame. Understand
that this kind of person is just used to dishing it but will never take it.
When dealing with a narcissist, you must know your human right to survive
and recognize when you are being taken advantage of. The truth is, you
have a right to stand up for yourself and defend your rights from being
infringed on as long as you do not harm others in the process. However, if
you harm others in the process of seeking your rights, you end up forfeiting
the very rights you are fighting for.
Realize that narcissism is a personality trait that is ingrained deep in their
fabric. No matter how hard you try to force them into changing, they will
not overcome it. The sooner you realize it is not your job or responsibility
to turn a narcissist into a good person, the better for you.
As you lay the groundwork to expose a narcissist, you must ensure that you
are armed with facts to bring the truth to light. Beware because things could
get uglier. Develop a thick skin before you expose them and never allow
pressure to get in the way of your intentions. Once you commit to the true
line, you can easily get out of the vicious circle of trauma.
To rebuild your life after narcissistic abuse:
- Set boundaries
- Get toxicity out of your system
- Acknowledge the truth and forgive yourself
- Realize that some part of you knew
- Do some self-inquiry
- Heal your inner child
- Shift your focus on what matters most
- Practice listening
 - Activate your Vagus nerve
- Exercise patience
So, what are you still waiting for?
It is time to work through your pain, shame, and guilt and living the life of
your dreams. There is life after abuse – beauty for ashes!