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My Darling Son;

A Comment On

Society

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 America, and the culture they represent to the rest of the world, has an alarming

influence on how the rest of the world treats their populations. The Americanisation of

society impacts the way that people think, and what they believe to be right. It is this

influence that has brought me to write this letter, to highlight the importance of media and

pop culture in spreading messages of hate and oppression. I don't hate men, and nor do I

believe that they are the sole instigators of this paradigm in society. Women are

perpetuating this culture, and ideology too, but for the purpose of this letter the term 'men'

is generalised as it is the audience I most wish to address as the instigators of the

necessity to instruct our children on the correct way to behave.

I apologise for the language that is used here, but I have preserved all quotes so that

you can experience the opinions of others, and I believe that altering the language of

others is a form of censorship, and a deprivation to your education. What I want most is for

you to learn something from this.

Remember, I love you, and that will never change.

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 My darling son,

The world around you is unsafe. Not physically, at least for you, but emotionally.

Every minute of every day, our society bombards you with images and music, movies and

television shows that attempt to influence your way of thinking. Occasionally, this influence

is good for you; don't smoke, don't drink and drive, love yourself the way you are. But there

are two sides to every coin; the 'cool' kids smoking in every movie you will view, the

'popular' boys hopping into their cars after 'having a couple' at the party, “Lose 10

POUNDS in 10 DAYS!”

See what I mean?

You will be bombarded with these conflicting messages for the rest of your life, and

for the most part I'm leaving things up to you. I will, of course, advise you of my opinion,

but I will support you in every decision you make. Except for one thing. If it were possible

to hide you from the influences of misogyny and sexism I would have done it years ago.

This is your world, and your society, and everyone else has ruined it for you, before you

ever had a chance to experience it. My son, you are too young to see the bad in this world,

and I envy you your ability to only see that which is good around you.

I want to teach you a new term; 'rape culture'. By the time you read this letter you

may have already heard it, but I assume you won't know it's true meaning, or the far

reaching affect it will have on your life, and already has had upon you. 'Rape culture' is an

environment in which 'rape' is prevalent, and in which sexual violence, against women

specifically, is normalised and excused in the media and in popular culture. 'Rape culture'

is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, illustrated in the lyrics, and the

video, for Robin Thicke's “Blurred Lines”, a song I don't permit you to listen to, and the

connotations applied to the standards of women and the expectations society, in particular

males, place upon them; the objectification of women's bodies, denoted in Emilie Autumn's

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satirical take on a patriarchal society in “Thank God I'm Pretty”; and the glamorisation of

sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women's rights and safety,

highlighted in such a profound way in Eleonore Pourriat's film “Oppressed Majority”. Social

media is also rampant with the sort of behaviours younger people so readily imitate, and

so when you ask about setting up a Facebook page I hope you can see why I am so

hesitant.

The 'rape' of one woman is a degradation, terror, and limitation to all women.

Women, and girls, limit their behaviour because of the existence of 'rape'. Women live in

fear of 'rape'; men, in general, do not. That is not to say that 'rape culture' and misogyny

do not affect men, they do, just not in the same way. You, my son, are a part of 'rape

culture'. Not just as a spectator, but as a participant, all because you are a man. When you

cross a parking lot at night, you will go out of your way to make your presence known to

the women around you so that they don't view you as a potential threat. You will do this

because you are a man, and you will know. You will acknowledge that she doesn't know

you, and thus you are just another man, one who is suddenly near her of a night. You will

realise that she could feel vulnerable. That's the key; vulnerability. That is how 'rape'

functions as a powerful means by which women are held in a subordinate position to the

whole male population, and how in turn men are held to restrictions of our society, even

though many women are never victims of 'rape', and even more men never 'rape'. This

cycle of fear is the legacy of 'rape culture'.

You may wonder why I use quotations around the word 'rape'. This is because of the

varied definition that exists throughout the world, even in our own country. Under the

common law, 'rape' was defined as “carnal knowledge of a woman against her will” and

was subject to narrow and restrictive definitions of 'sexual intercourse'. The penetrative

sexual offence is no longer gender specific, and despite some inconsistencies, generally

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includes penetration of the genitalia by a penis, object, and part of a body, or mouth. Only

a few jurisdictions prohibit a person from compelling, or convincing another person to take

part in sexual acts. You may be thinking, “what's the point of this, I know what rape is”, but

you probably aren't aware that if she is drunk, she can't say yes; if she is asleep, she can't

say yes; if you are married, she can still say no. I want to get this through to you, so that

one day you will think twice, so that one day you can be the bigger man and say no, so

that one day you can tell your children this.

My darling, you will find that many people object to a term like 'rape culture'. They

don't understand how a society as 'civilised' and 'progressive' as ours can be defined by a

force as destructive as 'rape'. They deem it an over statement, an over analysis by 'angry

bra-burning feminists'. As Rebecca O'Connor from the Rape, Abuse, Incest National

Network, RAINN, states;

“In the last few years, there has been an unfortunate trend towards

blaming 'rape culture' for the extensive problem of sexual violence on

campuses. While it is helpful to point out the systemic barriers to

addressing the problem, it is important to not lose sight of a simple fact;

rape is caused not by the cultural factors but by the conscious decisions,of

a small percentage of the community, to commit a violent crime.”

RAINN is one of the most active and important organisations in the United States

fighting sexual violence, so it's quite problematic for me to read about it denying the

cultural factors that allow sexual predators to evade justice. Personally, I disagree

wholeheartedly with what Rebecca O'Connor has to say about 'rape culture'. She claims

'rape' is caused by “conscious decisions...to commit a violent crime”, but as I have

observed, many men are not aware that they have committed this offence. For many men,

the concept of 'consent' is a straight 'yes' or 'no' problem, but the actual situation is not as

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clear cut.

For example, take Robin Thicke's hit from the winter of 2013, “Blurred Lines”. It has

been widely discussed as an example of 'rape culture'. In fact, it has been so controversial

that at least five universities in the United Kingdom have banned the song altogether. They

argued that the song objectifies women, and is a man suggesting that there are ''blurred

lines'' when it comes to sexual consent. While Thicke states that he wrote the song for his

wife, who can nonetheless be 'raped' by him, and that the lyrics have been misconstrued.

The lyrics however, are strikingly similar to the words rapists have been reported as having

said to their victims. For example, the main lyrics, repeated 18 times, of “I know you want

it” is a line given to many victims, and implies that women really want sex when they say

they do not. Continual references are made to women asking for sex, and assumptions

being made that they are there to cater for the men around them, and are represented

thusly as objects of lust. “The way you grab me/ Must want to get nasty” implies that

consent for one sexual act automatically provides the male with the liberation to claim his

partners body, and 'have his way' with her. The line “You wanna hug me/ What rhymes

with hug me?” is an implication towards a colloquial term for sexual intercourse, and once

again implies that women are unable to withdraw consent once it has been given. These

phrases from the song add to the effect that men believe in 'blurred lines' of consent, that

when there isn't a definite no, a yes is implied instead. My son, the opposite is in fact very

true; the absence of a definite yes always, always means a no.

The theme of sexual violence is also carried out throughout the song, starting with

'smaller' incidences, “Can't let it get past me”, yet another reference to women being

designed solely to be delivered into the hands of a man, and culminating in the phrase “So

hit me up when you're passing through/ I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass

in two”, denoting two important aspects of 'rape culture' that are frequently ignored; women

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being 'designed' to deliver sex to the male population at a moments notice, and the desire

men seemingly have to cause women pain with their own genitals.

The desire for men to cause their female partners physical pain is repeated

throughout the closing stanza's of the song, further driving home the point of men craving

dominance over their supposedly subordinate female counterparts. “Do you like it hurt, like

it hurt, does it hurt, does it hurt/ What you don't like work/ Baby can you breathe?”

This misogynistic language and sexist imagery combine to form a depiction of society

I wish you will never have to witness. It both sickens, and saddens me that this is the world

you will grow up in, and this is the behaviour that is normalised amongst your peers.

'Rape culture' is the condoning and normalising of physical, emotional, and sexual

terrorism against women. And it isn't just men who do this to women, so please don't think

I'm singling men out specifically. I can see the way women judge each other, and the way

we remark on the physical appearance of other women in an attempt to justify our own

decisions. Social media is a rampant, and continuous source of sexism, both people

supporting people who demonstrate sexism and misogyny so openly, and those who will

take a stand against the constraints imposed upon us as women. Twitter is one of the

forerunners in taking a stand against misogyny and the beginnings of 'rape culture'. There

is a tag on Twitter, #everydaysexism, that exposes the oppression, and discrimination

women suffer at the hands of a society, that includes both men and women, that values

their worth based upon their physical appearance. @therosetyler speaks of the way

women seemingly dress as though 'they want it', “two girls in my class were talking about

how you'd only have yourself to blame for getting raped if you wore a short skirt”. This

mind set is something society leads us to believe that women are 'asking for it' if they

dress provocatively, or in a way that they feel confident displaying their body in. Women

are now taught, instead of feeling comfortable in who they are and how they look, that they

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are to dress in a way that doesn't draw 'unwanted' male attention, lest they be seen as

provoking an attack from the opposite sex. @aggressivelarry echoes these ideas by

posting “bought an open back t shirt for a concert a month ago; my father told me the shirt

screamed “rape me””. But it is more than the way a woman dresses that provokes physical

and verbal attacks, it is also the way they look. @EllenSteenkamp recounts an occasion

when pre-teens told her she wasn't 'worthy' of a sexual assault, “At age 11 classmate on

schooltrip stated that 'no-one would rape me anyway cuz I'm too ugly'. Others only

laughed at that(sic)”. This behaviour is in ground in our children before they have a solid

understanding of sexual assault, or hopefully, sexual acts in general.

The idea that a woman's appearance is a determinant of how they should be treated

is the basis for Eleanore Pourriat's short film “Oppressed Majority”. She said, in relation to

the piece, “It came from my experience as a woman over the past 40 years...and from the

incredulity of men when I told them about the comments and behaviour of some men on

the street, in high school, in public transportation, everywhere really.” Unfortunately, her

film was met with mixed reviews, with both men and women attempting to dispute her

claims of sexism. Many men saw her flip on societal expectations as something to long

after, as a user on Youtube, 'stormanimal' wrote “It must be some sort of paridise where

women make catcalls at men. We can still dream...(sic)”, and 'vijayt' posting “I really feel

sad that I have never had that kind of attention from women, my whole life!” My son, I don't

believe her intention was to make men jealous of the attention women are constantly

bombarded with, but many men are still limited in their thinking due to the behaviour they

see around them. Low angle shots are utilised every time an interaction occurs between a

man and a woman, illustrating the power women have in this society and the lesser

position of men. When men talk to other men eye level shots are utilised to demonstrate

equality between the two individuals of the same gender. Pourriat's short film also received

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comments of anger, and resentment; 'ThatFreakingGuy' posted “Yeah, because we ALL

know that men don't already face bullshit. NEVER. Men? Have anything hard in life? Men?

Know what it is like to be assaulted or raped? NO!! That NEVER EVER happens!!!

'-.- Get over it, feminists, no matter how hard you try, how much reality you TWIST to falsify

a point, I do NOT want to worship your vagina.” This man's comment actually succeeds in

making me angry, and disappointed in the world we live in. To claim that feminists, or more

generally, women, falsify the facts of a matter in an attempt to 'convert' people into

believing that what we have to say is the truth, is extreme. Especially when the current

statistics for 'rape' and 'sexual assault' are 1 in 3 women. And that out of every 100 'rapes'

that occur, only 46 are reported to police; only 12 of those lead to an arrest; 9 of those

criminals will be prosecuted; 5 lead to a felony conviction; and only 3% of rapists spend a

day in jail. Those statistics are extreme, but our claims are not. The experiences of women

are extreme, but they are not as isolated, or as uncommon as people want to believe.

@everydaysexism isn't the only hashtag on Twitter that is highlighting misogyny and

sexism within our society. @YesAllWomen is also bringing stereotyping and gender roles

in society to the attention of a wider audience. “”I have a boyfriend” is the easiest way to

get a man to leave you alone. Because he respects another man more than you.”

@JBRylah

This is the behaviour witnessed during the Steubenville Rape Trial. This incident

occurred in Steubenville, Ohio; a town known for it's promising young athletes, and quiet,

cosy nature. This illusion of serenity was shattered on the night of August 11th, 2012, when

a high school girl, reportedly incapacitated by alcohol, not that her being intoxicated is any

justification, was publicly and repeatedly 'sexually assaulted' by her peers, several of

whom documented the acts through social media.

The details of that night are not important, and I am not going to go into it here. All

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you need to know is that this young woman was humiliated, degraded, and violated in the

worst way possible. The jocular attitude of the assailants was documented on Facebook,

Twitter, through text messages, and mobile phone recordings of the act. The crime, and

ensuing legal proceedings, generated considerable controversy and galvanised an

international conversation about 'rape' and the existence of a 'rape culture'.

Two students, Ma'lik Richmond and Trent Mays, both 16 at the time, were convicted

in juvenile court for the rape of a minor.

The case generated nationwide attention after it was prominently covered in The New

York Times, and in part for the involvement of social media in it's development. The article,

published December 17th, 2012, presented a history of the town, and the importance of the

football team to the identity of the town. Mays and Richmond were continually talked about

for their ability on the football field, with positive language being employed throughout,

“What they saw were two players who stood out from the rest: Mays and Richmond.” The

young victim, however was mentioned very briefly, and it began by presenting her as a

well brought up young lady, who defied her parents, “Across the river, in a well-kept two-

story colonial house in a solidly middle-class West Virginia neighborhood, the 16-year-old

girl told her parents that she was going to a sleepover at a friend’s house that night. She

then headed off to those parties, too.” This immediately brings to mind images of a liar, and

someone who can't be trusted. At this point in the article audiences are positioned to side

with the two men, rather than the girl.

The self proclaimed 'rape-crew' publicised the event using Twitter, Youtube, and

Instagram. Video and photographic evidence revealed that the girl was unconscious while

this was happening to her, which sadly didn't protect her from the backlash of not only her

own community, but from people around the world documenting their own opinions through

social media.

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 Twitter was the main source for people to openly express themselves, voicing a wide

range of opinions. @romano_santino wrote, “So you get drunk at a party and two people

take advantage of you, that's not rape you're just a loose drunk slut #BiasedResults

#Steubenville”. My son, this man makes two very important points; the first is of ignorance,

and the second is an issue of force and consent.

Darling, I ask you, what could possibly constitute calling a woman a 'slut', or any

number of derogatory terms, based on her sexual history? Especially when the man walks

away a hero, a legend of sorts. A woman is not a piece of equipment you can utilise to

improve your 'reputation' amongst your peers. A woman is not a prize to be claimed by any

man. There is one thing a woman is; a human being, capable of being loved and

respected by the men in her life. Be the man to see a woman for who she really is.

The second point @romano_santino raises is that Richmond and Mays took

advantage of this 'drunk slut', but in no way 'raped' or 'sexually assaulted' her. This

confusion as to what constitutes a 'sexual assault' leaves situations like this up for debate

in the eyes of our society, and this ideology was echoed on social media for months after

the trial. @alxndraadms posted “Maybe if you didn't want to be raped, don't get blackout

drunk. Just a thought.”

Unsurprisingly, it was mainly women who supported this young woman, rather than

criticising her, @serenavelocity posted “if a girl wants dick she can easily get it. Forced sex

is rape. Get the fuck over yourself.” She was suddenly the victim of many harsh comments

as a result of her support. @Itz_Real replied with, “It wasn't forced the whore passed out”,

a sad reflection on the way many people in our society think, especially in relation to

women who are raped in a way that is outside of societies preconceived notions of what

'sexual assault' entails.

The media coverage was no better than the comments on social media, and were

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riddled with examples of victim blaming, and rape apologists. Three separate reporters

from CNN gave presentations, talking both about the court case, and the outcome of the

trial. Candy Crowley stated,

“I cannot imagine how emotional the sentencing must have been...

a 16 year old, sobbing in court, regardless of what big football players

they are, they still sound like 16 year olds. What is the lasting effect of

two young men being guilty in juvenile court of rape, essentially.”

“What is the lasting effect of two young men being guilty in juvenile court of rape?”

What would be the lasting effects of a 16 year old being subjected to a 'sexual assault',

and then not only being the victim of 'rape', but also being the victim of a community who is

not shy to express their hatred towards her? The only time the victim was mentioned by

Candy Crowley was to pinpoint her as the reason these two boys now have no future in

professional football. Crowley spoke with an extensive amount of sympathy directed

towards the boys, maintaining a tone of nonchalance throughout her report. Poppy Harlow

echoed these thoughts, speaking solely of the future these boys had lost.

“Incredibly difficult to watch as these two young men who had

such promising futures, star football players, very good students literally

watched as they believed their life fell apart.”

While Harlow was presenting, video was played of Ma'lik Richmond breaking down

into the arms of his attorney as he was sentenced. This was a very biased presentation on

the part of CNN, riddled with imagery that would advocate sympathy within the viewers.

Mothers with daughters around the world, watched in disbelief as men, and other

women, so openly sympathised with the two men who had ruined one girls life irreversibly.

Paul Callan, also from CNN, spoke of the stigma attached to being labelled as a sex

offender.

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 “There's always that moment of just, lives are destroyed. But

in terms of what happens now, the most severe thing with these young

men is being labelled as registered sex offenders. That label is now

placed on them by Ohio law. That will haunt them for the rest of their

lives.(sic)”

Being labelled a sex offender is not arbitrary, it is as a result of committing a crime,

and as a warning to others, but all that people want to focus on is the chances that are

now closed to these boys as a result of the court outcome.

Again, there is no mention of the 'rape' that will haunt this young woman for the rest

of her life. She will carry the label of victim for the rest of her life, as well as the emotional

and physical problems that can arise from a sexual assault. It is not a woman's job to

protect herself from 'rape', it is a man's job to know the boundaries of sexual consent.

Love, I hope you understand what I am trying to say by telling you all of this.

It is the production and maintenance of an environment where 'sexual assault' is so

normative that people ultimately believe that 'rape' is inevitable. Society operates formally

and informally based on attitudes, beliefs, customs, and rituals that members agree are

acceptable and normal. 'Rape' is embedded in our culture through our collective beliefs

and this has rendered sexual violence normal and acceptable. Rather than viewing the

culture of 'rape' as a problem that needs changing, people in a 'rape culture' consider it's

persistence as 'just the way things are'. We've accepted 'rape' as a part of our society and

allocated gender roles only aid in exasperating this. As Lyn Phillips wrote;

“Everywhere you turn there's condoning, trivialising, and eroticizing

rape, and collectively it sets a tone that says this is no big deal, or

this is what women deserve.”

Emilie Autumn highlights this powerfully in her paradoxical depiction of our

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misogynistic society in her song, “Thank God I'm Pretty”. Every line is punctuated with the

truth, and for some audiences this may be an uncomfortable experience, due to the hidden

nature of the oppressiveness women suffer at the hands of men.

“Every skill I ever have will be in question, every ill that I must suffer merely brought

on by myself.” This particular line brings victim blaming to the forefront of our attention, a

main component of 'rape culture'. As already seen in the Steubenville Rape Trial, a young

woman was publicly harassed because it “wasn't fair, what she had done to these boys”.

The boys lives had been ruined, and this was all that CNN was able to concentrate on,

instead of focusing on the severe and traumatic experience a 16 year old child had just

endured at the hands of the boys who received sympathy that was completely undeserved

of them.

What can you do about 'rape culture' as a man? Avoid using language that objectifies

and degrades women; there are better ways to speak to those around you, that doesn't

involve highlighting their difference to you, or mocking them for unchangeable traits. If you

wouldn't say it to you mother, don't say it to another woman.

Think critically about the media's messages about women, men, relationships, and

violence. We've talked about the influence the media has on your everyday life, and the

positive and negative repercussions that can arise, and the influence you can have upon

others through social media.

Be respectful of others physical space, even in casual situation, because if 75% of 'rapes'

and 'sexual assaults' are committed by someone the victim knows, how could a woman

who doesn't know you, ever trust you alone?

Always communicate with your sexual partners, and do not assume consent; ask her.

Define your own manhood, and allow women to define being a woman for themselves. As

a man, you don't have to be strong, or dominating, and as a woman, she doesn't have to

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be demure or submissive.

Don't let stereotypes shape your actions.

Love,

Dad.

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