Natalie M.

Jarquin

Mrs. Ebel

ERWC Period [?]

18 January 2023

Scholarship Essay

Rubric

After completing your Scholarship Essay Assignment, highlight in yellow what you believe
you earned on your Scholarship essay on the rubric below.

6 5 4 3 2 1
W 11-12.4 A little Reflection is thoughtful and The student reflects on The student Attempt No
Produce clear and more reveals the author has his/her essay and how reflect on the to reflect evidence
coherent writing successful reflected on specific aspects he/she revised. The changes he/she
in which the than a 5 of the essay and how to student shares some of made but the
development, revise. The writer seems the specific techniques reflection might
organization, and genuinely engaged in the and changes he/she made be more
style are process of reflecting and but could go into more surface-level or
appropriate to revising by writing about detail. to just “get it
task, purpose, and the changes she/he has over with”
audience. made.

W 11-12.5 A little Develop and strengthen Develop and strengthen Develop writing Attempt No
Develop and more writing multiple times as writing as needed by by revision or to revise evidence
strengthen writing successful needed by planning, planning, revising, planning.
as needed by than a 5 revising, editing, rewriting, editing, rewriting, or
planning, or trying a trying a new approach,
revising, editing, new approach, focusing on focusing on addressing
rewriting, or addressing what is most what is most significant
trying a new significant for a for a specific purpose and
approach, specific purpose and audience.
focusing on audience.
addressing what
is most
significant for a
specific purpose
and audience.
 Original Essay

Write the essay’s prompt (recreate to the best of your ability) here:

Research a way to live if your parents where to kick you out the day after highschool
graduation. Give details regarding expenses and you are only given $5000 to start off with.

To the best of your knowledge, what scores did you earn on this essay? If you can’t
remember the scores, what were some of the things you struggled with in this essay?
What needs to be improved?

I received a 98/100. I have some grammar mistakes and based on Ms. Ebels expressions to the
length make it shorter.

[Put your original, unrevised essay here. It can be typed or pictures of your handwritten

work]

Natalie M Jarquin

Mr. Fisher

Economics

22 September 2023

On Your Own Project

It was a gloomy day and the roads were glossed over with the leftover rain from earlier

that day. It didn’t bother me at the time since it was my last day of senior year and I had just

graduated. I was so happy, filled with the feeling that nothing could go wrong. I felt invincible,
that no matter what obstacle hit me I could overcome it. I went home after all the celebration and

my parents were with me.

When we arrived home they told me that we needed to discuss something. They had this

look on their faces that made my stomach drop. I sat down at the table and they looked at me and

told me, “We no longer have the will to keep you around.” I asked what they meant by these

words. They described taking care of me my whole life was like a burden to them. They

explained to me how even though they were proud of me, the never ending feeling of not being

ready for parents weighed over them. I went to my room, which soon would not be, and cried. I

felt as if my world had crumbled. Eventually my parents came up the stairs and told me I would

need to figure out where to live and I needed to leave tomorrow morning.

I decided to start looking for apartments and roommates as quickly as I could. I already

had $5000 saved up from my job I had at the time. Using the website called Zillow I was able to

find apartments at this complex not far from where my parents lived. They were called

Rendezvous. The monthly rent was $2,975 without a roommate. With luck I found a roommate

on facebook after finding this group called “Looking for Roomies”. So after that we decided to

split the rent and now we only have to pay $1,487.50 each month. I wouldn’t have to pay any

utility bills since they are apartments, which was convenient. The exact address was 30135

Rancho California Rd, Temecula, CA 92592. Which was a perfect distance from my Job at the

time which was a hostess at Longhorn Steakhouse. I made $20 an hour and worked only

weekends, but since this sudden change I had to call my manager and ask for her to put me full

time now. My new schedule was 40 hours a week and I worked Monday through Saturday from

4pm till closing which was 11 p.m.. I would make $3,200 a month but after taxes would be left

with $2,220.
 I realized that I also had got accepted into MSJC and would need to start going there as

well. The distance was too great for me to take a bus, so I decided to look into cheap used cars. I

went on to carmax and started looking. I found a 2007 Lexus Is for $3,000. I was able to get the

car and pay a $15 dollar fee for changing the title and registration to my name since it was

already cleared for 2024. My next target was figuring out how much my tuition would be for my

new college MSJC. I looked it up and the tuition without aid was $23,825 a year so with the plan

I would end up spending $106.36 a month to pay off my tuition. With that done and handled I

needed to decide on how much to set aside for grocery shopping. I decided to set aside $150 a

month for that expense and stick to buying only on sale products.

With the help of the five thousand I had saved and my first paycheck I would have

$7,220 to work with. So after the first month of rent, tuition, buying the car and gas, and

groceries I would be left with $2,461.14. Next I would use it to buy extra stuff like entertainment

and a gym membership. The source of entertainment would be Netflix which with the basic

subscription would $9.99 a month. As for my gym membership it would be $9.99 a month with

EOS Fitness.

When I started researching on how much it would be like to live on my own I was

truly wrong on how many variables and how costly it would be. People I see on the internet

make it look so easy and luxurious when in reality it's a real struggle. I found that without my

parents' help I would have to learn to act like a person who works a 9 to 5 job. I learned that it's

not just rent and a car note, it's also groceries and other stuff that I use from my parents just to

entertain myself. I really do understand now how living on your own with no help is almost

impossible.
 The knowledge that I had prior to this was very vague since my parents raised me to

never experience that type of life. Living paycheck to paycheck, is something our family has not

and will not be like. I knew about payment and bills because my parents are constantly talking

about their beauty and when they are due. Sometimes they mention changing them which I

thought I could do but learned that that does not work the same when renting. I also knew about

car payments because my family is always talking about cars and my older sister also had car

payments she needed to pay.

The challenges that will present themselves when I move out on my own are large. One

of them is how will I have time to work and do school at the same time? Another is will I be able

to actually find a reliable roommate who will keep up with their rent payments and chores?

These are some questions that I had constantly asked myself while researching this project. I

have a lot more questions but they all revolve around my ability to persevere and adapt.

The skills I possess now I feel may not help me when I move out on my own, but my

parents say that you won’t know unless you try it. I think my ability to be optimistic about

difficult situations will really help me when I am on my own. Another skill I have that will help

me is I am great at making connections with people. By creating great bonds with certain people

I can potentially use their knowledge to help with any issue I may struggle with. Lastly is my

ability to stay strong mentally and spiritually. I practice meditation and workout quite often to

help keep a balance in my emotions so when I potentially reach stressful situations I am able to

calm myself down. For instance this project stressed me out alot and when I took a minute to

collect myself and pull through to finish it.

Having said all this and doing the research for thai event which could possibly happen to

me I learned that living is hard. I learned how costly not only money wise but health wise also
living on your own can be. I was looking over all the stuff and in my mind was praying that my

parents never do this to me. The shear stress it would put on me if my parents didn’t even let me

know in advance that I was being kicked out of our home would kill me. Though by doing this

project I think that I would have a better chance at surviving on my own because of the

awareness I possess and the knowledge I possess. In the end I hope that I will be successful in

doing everything but I am not afraid of failing so achieve it.

Type your revised essay in this section. Make sure to highlight in yellow the changes you made

from the original. These should be significant, meaningful changes, not just changes to grammar.

Natalie M Jarquin

Mr. Fisher

Economics

22 September 2023

On Your Own Project

It was a gloomy day and the roads were glossed over with the leftover rain from earlier

that day. It didn’t bother me at the time since it was my last day of senior year and I had just

graduated. I was so happy, filled with the feeling that nothing could go wrong. I felt invincible,

that no matter what obstacle hit me I could overcome it. I went home after all the celebrations

and my parents were with me. When we arrived home they told me that we needed to discuss

something. They had this look on their faces that made my stomach drop. I sat down at the table

and they looked at me and told me, “We no longer have the will to keep you around.” I asked

what they meant by these words. They described taking care of me my whole life was like a

burden to them. They explained to me how even though they were proud of me, the never-ending

feeling of not being ready for my parents weighed over them. I went to my room, which soon

would not be, and cried. I felt as if my world had crumbled. Eventually, my parents came up the

stairs and told me I would need to figure out where to live and that I needed to leave tomorrow

morning.

Fist off, I decided to start looking for apartments and roommates as quickly as I could. I

already had $5000 saved up from the job I had at the time. Using the website called Zillow I was
able to find apartments at this complex not far from where my parents lived. They were called

Rendezvous. The monthly rent was $2,975 without a roommate. With luck, I found a roommate

on Facebook after finding this group called “Looking for Roomies”. So after that, we decided to

split the rent and now we only have to pay $1,487.50 each month. I wouldn’t have to pay any

utility bills since they are apartments, which was convenient. The exact address was 30135

Rancho California Rd, Temecula, CA 92592. Which was a perfect distance from my Job at the

time which was a hostess at Longhorn Steakhouse. I made $20 an hour and worked only

weekends, but since this sudden change, I had to call my manager and ask for her to put my full

time now. My new schedule was 40 hours a week and I worked Monday through Saturday from

4 pm till closing which was 11 p.m.. I would make $3,200 a month but after taxes would be left

with $2,220.

I realized that I also had been accepted into MSJC and would need to start going there as

well. The distance was too great for me to take a bus, so I decided to look into cheap used cars. I

went on to CarMax and started looking. I found a 2007 Lexus for $3,000. I was able to get the

car and pay a 15 dollar fee for changing the title and registration to my name since it was already

cleared for 2024. My next target was figuring out how much my tuition would be for my new

college MSJC. I looked it up and the tuition without aid was $23,825 a year so with the plan I

would end up spending $106.36 a month to pay off my tuition. With that done and handled I

needed to decide on how much to set aside for grocery shopping. I decided to set aside $150 a

month for that expense and stick to buying only on-sale products.

With the help of the five thousand I had saved and my first paycheck, I would have

$7,220 to work with. So after the first month of rent, tuition, buying the car and gas, and

groceries I would be left with $2,461.14. Next, I would use it to buy extra stuff like
entertainment and a gym membership. The source of entertainment would be Netflix which with

the basic subscription would be $9.99 a month. As for my gym membership, it would be $9.99 a

month with EOS Fitness.

Taking everything into account, when I started researching how much it would be like to

live on my own I was truly wrong on how many variables and how costly it would be. People I

see on the internet make it look so easy and luxurious when in reality it's a real struggle. I found

that without my parent's help, I would have to learn to act like a person who works a 9 to 5 job. I

learned that it's not just rent and a car note, it's also groceries and other stuff that I use from my

parents just to entertain myself. I do understand now how living on your own with no help is

almost impossible. The knowledge that I had before this was very vague since my parents raised

me to never experience that type of life. Living paycheck to paycheck is something our family

has not and will not be like. I knew about payment and bills because my parents are constantly

talking about their beauty and when they are due. Sometimes they mention changing them which

I thought I could do but learned that that does not work the same when renting. I also knew about

car payments because my family is always talking about cars and my older sister also had car

payments she needed to pay. The challenges that will present themselves when I move out on my

own are large. One of them is how will I have time to work and do school at the same time.

Another is whether will I be able to find a reliable roommate who will keep up with their rent

payments and chores. These are some questions that I had constantly asked myself while

researching this project. I have a lot more questions but they all revolve around my ability to

persevere and adapt. The skills I possess now I feel may not help me when I move out on my

own, but my parents say that you won’t know unless you try it. I think my ability to be optimistic

about difficult situations will help me when I am on my own. Another skill I have that will help
me is I am great at making connections with people. By creating great bonds with certain people

I can potentially use their knowledge to help with any issue I may struggle with. Lastly is my

ability to stay strong mentally and spiritually. I practice meditation and workout quite often to

help keep a balance in my emotions so that when I potentially reach stressful situations I can

calm myself down. For instance, this project stressed me out a lot, and when I took a minute to

collect myself and pull through to finish it. Doing the research for the event that could happen to

me I learned that living is hard. I learned how costly not only money-wise but health-wise also

living on your own can be. I was looking over all the stuff and in my mind was praying that my

parents never do this to me. The sheer stress it would put on me if my parents didn’t even let me

know in advance that I was being kicked out of our home would kill me. By doing this project I

think that I would have a better chance at surviving on my own because of the awareness I

possess and the knowledge I possess. In the end, I hope that I will be successful in doing

everything but I am not afraid of failing to achieve it.

Reflection
1st Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining specifically what you revised in your essay and

why. Go into thoughtful details! How did these choices improve your essay? What skills do

you now have that you were able to use to help enhance your essay?

I changed some wording around and fixed some grammatical errors. It made my it more
clear ot read. I also combined the first two paragraphs that were my introduction
because it made it more organized.

2nd Paragraph: Write a paragraph explaining how you’ve improved as a writer since your

freshman year: What did you struggle with before? What are you proud that you can do now?

I gave the second paragraph a pepper start off it made it more professional looking and

sounded way better. It also made it more organized as of when all the actual research

started happening. Also it helped show where the fist body paragraph began.