1

WHO SHOULD I MARRY?

Copyright 2010 Kingsley Okonkwo
ISBN:978-978-49768-6-2
All rights reserved.
No portion of this publication may be reproduced,
or stored in retrieval system or
transmitted in any form or by any means-
Electronic, mechanical,photocopy or
any other without permission of the author.

2
 CONTENTS
Preface
Introduction
· Christ
· Character
· Capacity
· Companionship
· Compatibility
· Chemistry
· Complimentary
· Commitment
· Conviction
· Counselling
Conclusion

3
 PREFACE
I have discovered a lot of people don’t really know
the qualities to look out for in a spouse and the truth is
you cannot blame them because they are not taught in
school and most of our Parents; even those that know,
might not be able to articulate the principles, let alone
pass it on.
Unfortunately, because a lot of people can’t really
tell you the right qualities to look out for when
choosing a partner, when they get into bad marriages,
they start to send out the wrong messages. Without
meaning to offend anyone, I am kind of tired of
hearing people make marriage look like a war
situation. The average married person just has stories
of woes and you see as much as I want to relate with
them, I can’t.

The truth is, I am happily married; very happily

married and you see the Bible says that God is not a
respecter of persons (Acts 10:34) and is rich unto all
4
that call upon Him (Rom 10:12). So if God has done it
for one, there is no reason why He will not do it for
another. That is why our slogan for our LOVE DATING
AND MARRIAGE seminar is ​“You Can Have the
Marriage of Your Dreams”​.
I believe it absolutely and I believe it was because I
looked out for the right things when choosing a
spouse and those are the things I want to share with
you. The qualities that will help you make the choice
that will give you a stress-free marriage.

5
 INTRODUCTION
​

One Sunday morning, my wife and I were on our way

to church, and as we were driving on the highway, we
suddenly noticed a brand new car which began to
swerve, the car was swerving like the ones you see in
the movies, I thought may be something was wrong
and as we looked back, we saw a husband and wife
fighting in a moving vehicle, when I say fighting, I
don’t mean name calling, I mean real fighting,
exchanging blows in a moving vehicle! by the time I
looked back again the woman was on the driver’s
seat of the car with the man who was still struggling
to hold on to the steering wheel while punching her
with the other hand. They were not in a parked car.
Now, that is not the climax of the story, the sad part of
it was their baby was in the car with somebody else,
maybe their nanny, the person was at the back seat
with the baby, can you imagine? They were ready to
jeopardize the child’s safety and the life of the person
at the back.

6
This is my point: whether you like it or not, your
decision to marry somebody will definitely affect
other people. When you are choosing a husband: you
are choosing the father of your children, likewise
when you are choosing your wife, you are also
choosing the mother of your children, that decision is
a very serious one. If you marry right you are going
to have a totally stress free marriage. The person you
marry will affect the rest of your life.
When you are single your happiness and success;
everything about you depends on you, once you are
married, your partner matters. The rest of your life
will be affected by who you marry, that is great power
that God has put into our hands. The rest of your life if
it’s going to be successful, if it is going to be full of joy
or pain, it’s all dependent on who you marry. I have
discovered that God did not put too many choices in
our hands. I mean, when it comes to relatives, you
didn’t choose your parents; we just arrived here and
suddenly saw our parents. We didn’t have the choice;
maybe some people would have chosen a rich
millionaire. We also don’t get to choose our siblings;
that’s why in some families we have some crazy
7
siblings that will just keep you wondering if you are
from the same family and we don’t also choose our
children; we all meet at the hospital for the first time. If
we had the option of choosing an offspring, who
wouldn’t want a genius for a child?
The only relative God allows us to choose is our
spouse and unfortunately many don’t know anything
about choosing one; many don’t know anything about
how to choose a husband or a wife and like I said
earlier, it’s not their fault. There is no official place
where you are taught who to marry, schools don’t
teach that and in most churches they don’t teach that
either. I am trusting God that the ability to recognize a
good spouse will be released to you as you read this
book in the name of Jesus.
When I talk to people sometimes, it becomes clearer
that they don’t know what qualities to look out for in a
spouse. I was watching a television show at home
recently and a very nice looking girl was being
interviewed and she was asked, “Which kind of man
would you like to marry?”, and she said, she likes tall
8
men that are fair. I was heartbroken, funny though but
that is how the average person thinks. How can that be
the first quality you will mention?, what if it’s a mad
man, someone in the asylum now is tall and fair, will
you marry him?, someone else in prison is tall and fair
will you marry him?, many people don’t know how to
choose. “I’d like a tall and fair man”, that’s the worst
thing I have heard this year probably. Is that how you
choose who you want to spend the rest of your life
with?
Someone called me a while ago and as we were
talking on the phone she said, “pastor my relationship
has ended.”
I said, “No problem” and then after she took me
through what happened, I asked “is there anybody
else yet?”
She said, “Yes but I don’t like him”, I asked why? And
she said, “He’s not tall enough.”
“Does he have good character?”
She said, “Yes”
“Do you like him and does he like you?”
She said, “Yes, but he is not tall enough.”
9
I said, “The last one that broke up with you was he tall
enough?”

There was some other guy I counselled a while back

and he said to me, “Pastor, I want to break the
relationship that I am in now”
I asked him,” why?”
He said, “I want to break it because I don’t like the
girl again”
I asked further, “what’s the problem? What made you
decide to start the relationship in the first place? Why
did you decide to marry her, what did you see?”
He said, “She was jovial and friendly”.
Now, you see that is not a tangible reason to decide to
marry someone. If somebody is jovial, that same trait
can be a problem tomorrow, when she becomes jovial
with other people and you become uncomfortable
with it.
A lady caught me on-line the other day, telling me that
she is trusting God for a partner and I asked her if
there was nobody interested in her? She said, there is
this young man that likes her, they are friends, but she
10
said that he is not tall enough. It is amazing that
people look at the craziest things when trying to find a
spouse; they want a tall man so that when he wants to
knock them he will see the centre of their head? That
height can still be a problem; he will be able to reach
the centre of your head to give you a knock. It will
amaze you the amount of men that beat their wives, I
am not talking about a slap I’m talking about a proper
beating. It will amaze you what goes on in marriages
behind closed doors.
Unfortunately, a lot of single people do not know these
things, they think marriage is a game, it is when you
have talked with married people that you know the
challenges they face. It is usually because the
foundation is not laid right. A good marriage is largely
dependent on whom you marry. Once you marry
wrong it might be difficult to have a good marriage; it
might be a struggle from the beginning to the end.
The best thing you can do to ensure you have a great
marriage is to choose right. So, how do you choose?
I’m going to give you a few basic things you must look
out for when you want to marry a spouse, by the time
11
you have the basic picture you will be able to
recognize the right person when you see them. It will
be easy then.
Let’s begin to see from God’s word how we can
recognize the qualities that we should look out for in
choosing a spouse.

12
 CHAPTER 1
CHRIST
“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers”
-II Corinthians 6:14 (KJV).
I believe that the first thing that determines who you
should marry is this: The person you are about to
marry should be in Christ, I say this because, firstly, if
you are not in Christ; that means you are not a
believer, and you don’t have the Spirit of God in you.
However, if you are an unbeliever and you want to
marry another unbeliever, there’s no problem there,
two unbelievers can get married, they go together.
But, if you are a believer and you are trusting God to
have a good marriage, then, there are some basic
conditions: the person you are about to marry should
be in Christ.
It is important that you understand that there is a
difference between a good person and someone that
has the Spirit of God. They are two different things,

13
completely different, you will say he is nice, he is a
moralist; those things are generally good, but there is
still a great difference between knowing God and
being good, because on one side, the person is trying
to live right based on his own strength: but the other
person that has Christ is no more living his life based
on his own strength, he is living by the Spirit of God.
There is a difference.
Let’s see it in Ephesians chapter 2:1-2, it said:
“And you hath He quickened, who were dead in
trespasses and sins; wherein in time past ye walked
according to the course of this world, according to the
​

prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now

worketh​ in the​ children​ of disobedience.”
​ ​ ​

That is a clear picture of what we were like when we

were not born again. It says, wherein in time past, ye
walked according to the course of this world; that
means there is a course, a path laid for us in this world
according to the prince of the power of the air. In
other words: there is a prince, there is a power
14
overriding people’s lives; it said the spirit that now
worked in the children of disobedience. Listen
carefully, this world is a spiritual world, you need to
understand God created this physical world from the
Spiritual world and since that time the physical world
is still controlled by the spiritual world, and you see
the spiritual world has the positive and the negative
side. God is the positive and the devil runs the
negative side. So whether you like it or not as long as
you are still on this physical world you are being
influenced by the spirit or spiritual things, its either
you are being influenced by the spirit of God or you
are being influenced by the devil. You might not know
the one you are being influenced by, unless you are
born again. In other words, if you are not saved, there
is a spirit at work in you; you might not even know it.
Friend that spirit really drove me hard, I wanted to kill
myself, I thought I was being a big boy.
There is a spirit at work, there is a part of you that only
God can fill: if God doesn’t fill it another spirit will,
you might not know it; how many of you are drunk and
will know that you are drunk? You can’t be drunk and
be aware, You can’t know what you are doing, I have
15
been drunk in the past, I didn’t know what happened,
people were telling me all I said and did, I didn’t
know it. It said the spirit at work among the children of
disobedience.
Verse 3 says: Among whom also we all had our
conversation in time past in the lust of our flesh, did you
see that? Fulfilling the desire of the flesh and of the
mind; and were by nature the children of wrath.
Sin comes naturally to a sinner, look, people that will
go to hell will not go because they did something very
bad, many people don’t understand that, the person
that will go to hell is not going because he smokes, or
because he drinks or womanizes, no, because, there
are some Christians that do some of those things:
there are some Christians that lie; but the person that
will go to hell will go because he has not received the
forgiveness of God and walked with it. A Christian
commits sin sometimes when they fall or are weak:
but it's different with a sinner, sin commits a sinner; he
is committed to sin, and that is the difference. He is a
sinner; we don’t expect him to do anything else, but
16
sin. But when a Christian commits sin, he has the
access to get repentance, to get forgiveness, it says
that there is a spirit at work; who by nature, in other
words when I see people lie, I know they don’t have
the spirit of God, People that kill themselves with
overdose of drugs; is that normal? He is taking the
drugs and is about to die and is still taking more,
those things are not normal; they are influences,
strong influences.
Look I have been a sinner, I have received Christ, and
there is a great difference. The man that does not
know God commits sin naturally, the man that knows
God, even when he steps out of God’s will, he knows
that something is wrong. It is better to marry
somebody that is influenced by the Holy Ghost, not by
the evil ghost. The scripture tells us that by nature
they are the children of wrath, that there is a spirit
within them, the guy might look good, but the spirit
can come upon him anytime.
Maybe I should explain how the hierarchy of God
works; some people think it is words and opposite,
17
God and Satan, Black and white, Good and bad, oh
no!. Good and bad is word and opposite. Black and
white is word and opposite, but God and devil is not.
There is hierarchy in the things of the spirit, God is
number one, followed by us his Children, the Bible
said we are joint heirs with Christ; we are seated in
Heavenly places with Christ. If my body is in London
can I be in Nigeria? The Bible says we are the body of
Christ, we are one with Him; so we are second in
command, after us we have Angels, the Bible says
Angels are ministering spirits, God created them to
serve, they are ministering spirits sent to serve us the
heirs of salvation; they are third in command, they
protect us, they guard us, then after the Angels, there
is Satan, Satan is a fallen angel, Satan is not competing
with God. Satan is a creature of God, God is the
creator. They are not even comparable; they are not
on the same level. Then after the devil, guess who is
down the line: the unbeliever. So every other thing
controls him, the devil can wake up one morning and
ask him to slap his wife or marry another wife.

18
The thing that differentiates us from animals is the
Spirit of God. The bible says God breathed into man
and he became a living being and without the breathe
of God, that is the Spirit of God, we are just like other
animals.
I have never seen a marriage that they divorce in the
wedding picture, they are usually full of smiles, some
marriages don’t last 2 days, some don’t even last 2
weeks, some others don’t even last up to 2 months
before they call it quits. It’s important that the person
you intend to marry is a child of God, a born-again
Christian.
Friend, marriage is spiritual, you must get this, it
wasn’t man’s idea, Adam was not the one that
invented marriage, the magazines you read did not
invent marriage, the blogs you find on the internet
were not the ones that invented marriage, God did. It
was God that said that it is not good for man to be
alone (Gen 2:18). If God created marriage and God is
Spirit (John 4:24) then, marriage is spiritual. That
means if someone is not born again he lacks the
capacity to function in marriage. As a believer you
19
cannot marry someone that is not saved the person
should be in Christ. Many women always think they
are the Holy Ghost they want to change the man, if you
are good at changing people then you might need to
start a crusade. You cannot save anyone, let him give
his life to Christ and not to you.
Ephesians 2:2 says,
“where in times past ye walked according to the course
of this world, according to the prince of the power of the
air, the spirit that now works in the children of
disobedience among whom we also had our
conversations in time past in the lust of our flesh
fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind we
were by ​nature​ the children of wrath “
When a person is not born again, it is not just their
actions we are talking about it is their nature. That is
why you can’t be a believer and want to marry an
unbeliever his nature is not changed he might do
everything as a moralist now even if he does not lie
his nature is wrong, it is like a fish marrying a human
20
being, where will they live? They don’t have the same
equipment for sustenance.
You are born again going to heaven; he is born
against going to hell, some people don’t like to hear
this but except a man is born again he cannot see the
kingdom of God (John 3:3). So how can you say you
are in love with him? Where will you live? In water or
on land? A human being cannot live in water. 2nd
Corinthians 6:14 states clearly that; it is an unequal
joining and you cannot be unequally yoked with an
unbeliever. It further states, what agreement has
Christ with Belial and what concord has light with
darkness, what fellowship can you possibly have? It’s
just like trying to mix diesel and water; no matter how
you shake it and try to mix it once it settles, one
would go up the other will go down, that’s how it is
when a believer marries an unbeliever.
As a believer you don’t have the same nature with an
unbeliever. When I was an unbeliever, I knew how I
was; now you can’t tell me to marry my old nature.
The person must have Christ because all the things we
21
teach are from the bible, if he doesn’t have Christ he
does not have the capacity to

22
 CHAPTER 2
CHARACTER
“Favor is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman that
fears the Lord, she shall be praised”
- Proverbs 31: 30
The second quality to look out for is Character. You
hear a lot of people say “oh! That girl is a fine girl, she
is fair, she has a lovely shape, and the girl is simply
hawt.” all those things don’t count for anything in
marriage; it does not amount to character. The bible
says a woman that fears the Lord, you can vouch for
.
Many times people come to me and they tell me, “the
lady I want to marry, I don’t really trust her,
sometimes I feel like I don’t know her, there are
always stories, too many controversies, and I’ve found
out that she tells lies, but pastor I want to marry her.” I
ask them to listen to themselves, when I ask, “can you
vouch for her?” He says, “no, but I love her.” that my
friend is not love.

23
Some versions of Prov 31: 30 use the word charm
rather than favor; charm and favor here mean the
same thing. It speaks of charisma or the art of being
charming; things like, “I like the way she talks” or “I
like the way he walks” that means he has charm, he
has charisma. Note however, that the bible says
beauty is vain but a woman that fears God, let her be
praised. Many people choose on the level of beauty.
When asked, why do you want to marry this girl? They
answer, “She is beautiful”. It was God that created
people and He said beauty is a vain thing to build a
relationship on; charm is deceitful because you will
assume that because that person has charisma that he
has character.
Now, when you were not born again I understand that
you were largely moved by the outward, but now as a
child of God you should know better, be like your
father, look at the inward (1 Sam 16:7), what is the
character of that person; don’t base your decision on
things like, “I like her voice”, those are vain things
they don’t count in marriage, it’s a woman that fears
the Lord or a man that fears the Lord.
24
Some people are too obsessed with attraction and
emotions, and unfortunately, those things are fleeting,
they don’t last in marriage. I was talking to someone
that had just experienced a failed marriage and I was
just saying to him that all of the other ladies that he
had been hinting me that he wanted to marry were
people that had character issues, so I said to him,
“Why are you always pointing to people with
questionable character? Why don’t you look out for
other fine girls in church that have good character?”
and he said, “I am not attracted to those ones” and I
said to him, “Is it not this attraction that made your first
marriage fail? You want to build another one on
attraction?” Attraction cannot hold anything.
Some people build their relationships on lust and on
attraction. Some of the finest girls that confuse people
in show business have been married and they have
been divorced, you might be saying if I marry
someone really beautiful, I won’t cheat. Let me tell
you, I know for a fact that the reason why you are in
lust now is because you don’t have a beautiful woman.
When you do, you will know that all women are the
25
same there’s nothing that one woman has physically
that the other does not; but one can have good
character while the other might not, that’s where the
difference lies.
Lust and attraction are based on what you don’t have.
Let me give you a practical example, were there ever
things you wanted badly? Maybe, a pair of shoes,
when you got it, you were so excited, you screamed
and you were so happy that you wore it with
practically every outfit but when you wore it again and
again, after a while you threw it away. The passion for
it died, because you were only crazy about it because
you did not have it. Do you realize when you buy a car
and the brand new model of that car comes out your
own immediately becomes old? Attraction thrives on
lust. I am advising you, marry character because after
you have married beauty and there’s no character you
will soon hate the woman.
Character comes first. Young men, stop chasing
charisma, most times when I interview young men I
can tell that they are in trouble by the ladies they
point to saying “Pastor, see that girl, I like her” and “I
26
will say do you know her?” of course he will say “no, I
just like her,” and I know it is attraction and I know the
lady does not have character but he thinks he is in
love; he is crazy about her.
Stop making your choices based on the outward
things; they don’t last. Look out for character, does
that person fear God? Is he a liar? The person lying for
you today will lie to you tomorrow. Whenever I
encounter lying, I don’t take it lightly. If you lie to me
once, I will mark you from that day because I don’t
know if what you are saying now is the truth or not.
You must understand that I can forgive you, I don’t
have a choice, in fact, I must forgive you immediately
but I’ve learned that trust must be earned over time.
Can you imagine you gave someone a million naira to
buy you something and when he returned, he claimed
there was no change, but on further investigation you
discovered there was change of over a hundred
thousand naira, will you still give him one million
naira to purchase something else? If your answer is in
the affirmative, then you are not very wise.

27
Character is so important when dealing with anyone
in any capacity. Let me share this story with you of
someone who wanted to help me purchase something.
The problem was that he had already lied to the
owner that we went somewhere else to compare
prices and the price we were getting elsewhere was
cheaper, so he told me “now, pastor I am going to the
man’s house and I have told him that we went
together”, I immediately told him, “as you are going
there now correct every lie you have told him
because if that man calls me I will tell him exactly
what happened. I didn’t go anywhere with you. So, as
you are going there now correct it”
.
He thought he was trying to do me a favor by lying for
me but from that day anything that man tells me, how
am I going to believe it? Why is he not going to lie to
me when he needs to do someone else a favor? So the
man that is lying for you now and you say, “he is
covering up for me”, will soon cover you the day he
needs to.

28
Is he violent? A woman-beater? He has slapped you
once or twice now that you are just in courtship; he
will punch you in marriage. On the other hand, don’t
marry the woman that hates authority. Don’t marry a
rebellious woman. She is always fighting her father,
fighting her boss, fighting her pastor, and then you
believe that she will submit to you? Why? Because
you’re her god? If she is constantly speaking evil of
her pastor or those that have authority over her, then
she doesn’t have any knowledge of or respect for
spiritual authority.
Marriage is about spiritual authority. The bible says
that the head of Christ is God and the head of man is
Christ and the head of the woman is the man.
Marriage is about spiritual order and if she doesn’t
have regard for spiritual things and she comes to you
and insults her pastor and you say, “Its okay honey,
remember I love you.” Let me warn you that if she
insults her pastor, she will insult you because if she
doesn’t have qualms about insulting God’s
representative over her life then you are too small for
her not to insult you.

29
A man forcing you to sleep with him doesn’t have
character. It’s not about you or how much he loves
you. He can’t control himself, many women say, “he
loves me so much he can’t control himself.” My
response to this is simply, “and the day you are out of
the picture?” Of course, he will still do it with whoever
he chooses. It’s not about you; please stop fooling
yourself. You say, “Anytime he sees me Pastor, he
can’t control himself. It’s because he loves me so
much pastor.” It’s not love; it’s lust.
Proverbs 31:11 says that when it come to a virtuous
woman and her husband, his heart doeth safely trust
in her. Many marriages are under tension today
because there’s no trust. If you see the way they count
money to the last dime and they even fight over
money. They count the pieces of meat in the pot of
soup to confirm that the money they gave their spouse
was used for its purpose. That’s why when I teach
some men that you and your wife should work
together financially they find it hard because there’s
no trust between the two of them. They are both afraid

30
of allowing the other party know how much they earn;
talk less of giving them their money.
Personally, I don’t touch money, I don’t do anything
with money; I am always at peace because there’s
someone in charge: my wife. I have never checked
her kitchen or her purse because there is absolute
trust. Sometimes, it amazes me when I see people
fight over money. My wife is a signatory to all our
accounts; we are both signatories. There’s no big deal
when there’s absolute trust.
Too many marriages are under tension because the
trust foundation is broken and the rest of the marriage
is affected. It’s terrible; I’ve even heard of men that
check tyre tracks to see if the car went out of the
house when they were away. They even touch the car
engine to know whether it is hot in order to confirm
whether she went out that day or not. I know of a
couple that when the wife says she is out with
someone, he will call to confirm if she is really with
that person. Sometimes, he sounds paranoid when he
is asking, “Where are you?”
31
And when she replies, “I am at aunty Nkechi’s house”
He will say, “give aunty Nkechi the phone let me
confirm… aunty Nkechi where are you? Are you both
there? Are you sure?”
It may sound funny but trust is such a major issue in
marriage. It is what fuels a good marriage and when a
partner is of questionable character, it can be a big
issue in marriage.

“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that

​ ​ ​

he shall have no​ need​ of spoil.”

​ ​

Proverbs 31:11
T​ hey found out at the embassy when they were doing
DNA testing for families that wanted to get a visa to
travel together as a family that a lot of the children
belonged to the mother but they did not belong to the
father. When you want to travel as a family, they will
need to verify that you are really a family and they will
run a test. Sadly, it is at the embassy that they find out
that the child is really a child of the mother but the
DNA does not match that of the father. It will amaze
you and I know that some people think it is only men
32
that cheat. Sadly, that is not the case. I cannot even
begin to tell you the amount of women I have
personally counseled that are involved in adultery.
They are married women; Marriage doesn’t change
anyone. A woman that sleeps around before marriage
will sleep around in marriage; nothing will change.
A man that sleeps around now will sleep around in
marriage. He is receiving strange text messages now
from different girls, but you say, “I will still marry him,
he will change.” He is an adulterer in the making
already. You say different girls are sending him love
texts and he is keeping it in his phone, he picks up
strange calls at night and you say I love him; that is not
love, there must be character. Look, by the time all
these things that excite you are gone; the thing that
will keep you is what I’m sharing with you now. There
must be character.
Attending church does not automatically translate to
character. Therefore it is not every “Christian” that
you should marry. It is not every one that claims to be
a Christian that has character. There are a lot of
33
deacons, deaconess, workers, some even pastors that
have no integrity. Character is so crucial, can you
trust the words that come out of their mouth, do they
lie, and do they steal? You will say he or she is a
worker in his church that doesn’t mean anything.
What kind of life do they live behind closed doors?
I have said before that if you don’t marry someone
that has character, you will live a life where you are
constantly checking up on your spouse? How can you
be calling your wife to find out where she went?
Sometimes, you even call the person she said she was
going to see to find out if she really went there; why
don’t you settle down and look for someone with
character now and save yourself all the heartache?
I have never had cause to look for my wife or question
where she went. Can you imagine me checking
whether she really went there? Checking the tyre
tracks; why are you punishing yourself? If your
husband says something, you should be able to trust
him. check for character, he is calling three girls now,
the day he will propose to you he will propose to
34
three other girls, you will say, I love him, that is not
love and love is not the issue here, character is. There
must be character.

35
 CHAPTER THREE
CAPACITY
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
​ ​ ​

and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one
​ ​ ​

flesh” –Gen 2:24(KJV).

The third quality is there must be Capacity. Capacity

simply talks about being competent or showing
capability to manage or handle a certain situation or
position. However, for the purpose of this book I want
to adapt it to mean maturity.
Marriage has demands, it even has challenges, yes it
is true, it’s not everybody that has the capacity to
cope, a lot of people are still too selfish to be thinking
about marriage, they still love themselves too much.
Isn’t it rather amusing that no marriage has ever
broken up because of too much love? It is usually
selfishness, it’s always about “I” or “Me”; it’s always
about the way you are treating ​me​, the way you talk to
me. It’s always for one selfish reason or the other;

36
there has never been a quarrel out of love; it’s always
about selfishness.
I believe that capacity is one area that too many of us
overlook. You need to even throw the question at
yourself first. Ask yourself, do you have the capacity
to take care of another person? This question is
important because if you are not able to take care of
yourself how can you carry someone else with you?
Capacity covers a large variety of areas but I’d like to
start with Financial Capacity because too many
Christians are just too broke and they will not do
anything about their state, and it is sad that they want
to add a woman to the poverty.
There is nothing wrong with not having money, but to
remain poor is the problem. Solve your own problems
first. Marriage is about carrying somebody else with
you. Now that you are alone you can’t even make
sense of your life yet and you want to join someone
with you, and you see, those people will never go for
financial seminars, never read books, they will never
find out how to leave their present state. What they

37
are looking for is a wife. They say, pastor I don’t have
a job now, but I need a wife, I’m looking for a wife.
Look for a job first. What you need is a job not a wife.
Genesis 2:24 says;
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother
​ ​
and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become
one flesh”
Now take note, the bible said the man shall leave his
father and mother and cleave to his ​wife not his ​babe
or ​girlfriend​. Friend, it is not everyone that has
capacity for marriage. It is not for boys; it is for men.
The definition given to a man here is that he must be
able to leave his father and his mother and that speaks
of complete maturity and independence. Many
people today are boys; old boys. At forty, still
complaining about pocket money, still fighting for
meat in their parents’ house. A basic criterion for
being a man is that you can leave your father and
mother physically (you can rent your own apartment).
When you are still living with your parents they can
38
determine so many things you do and the decisions
you make. So you must be able to leave even if it is a
small apartment to start with. Move out, your thinking
will expand and maturity will set in when you are on
your own. ​You cannot be seeing things from a man’s
perspective as a boy, because you are not paying
bills.
When I hear some people share their vision, I just
know it is because there’s somebody else paying their
rent. If you are the one paying your bills you’ll be
dreaming more practical and realistic dreams.
Usually, you build castles in the sky because you’re
not paying rent or feeding yourself.
Secondly, Leaving also means you leave financially, I
am surprised when I see grown men; twenty five
years old saying my mother did not give me money, I
have been running ministry since I was nineteen; a
teenager. At nineteen I had already started running
ministry on my own without a dime from my family,
but now you see a twenty five year old man saying
“my father…” a full grown adult blaming his father for
39
all his woes. You must be able to leave your father and
your mother financially. We have too many spoilt boys
and I fear that we will soon cease to have a generation
of real men. You need money for everything so if you
are not making, managing and multiplying your own
money then I wonder how you intend to marry
someone else because the truth is that you will pay
bills in marriage. sometime ago, a young man said to
me, “Pastor, all the women I like don’t like me, they
are running away from me, is it that Christian ladies
are now no more interested in spiritual things, are
they only looking at status?”
I said, “Yes, they are! Because I will not give you my
daughter, if you do not have a job.” Most men are
looking for where to get free lunch. They are looking
for hard-working women to sponge off.
Believe me, if that man doesn‘t have a job now, when
you marry him, that is the end, He will not work again,
you will go to work and bring food for him. It’s not that
people are necessarily getting more materialistic but,
who wants to marry a liability? It’s only a dumb
40
woman that will do that. The Bible says ​he that does
not work should not eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10), should
he now be looking for a wife? It said he should not
even eat. So if the bible says don’t allow him eat, do
you think it will be wise to give him a wife?
You must have capacity to take care of somebody
else. Like we normally say, love is not cheap; there is
no true love anywhere that is cheap. Did the Bible say
God loved us so much that He wrote us a poem? God
so loved the world He sent us a card or a love text
message? No, the Bible says that, He gave us His
ONLY begotten Son (John 3:16). If he didn’t have the
capacity to give it, then there’s no point of Him telling
us He loves us. You say I love you sister, I just love you
and you remain in courtship for 10 years, people have
studied medicine, others have completed their
master’s degree programme or even PhD and you are
still in courtship.
You must also be able to leave your parents
emotionally, and this is particularly very important for
the women. It is funny that there are still married
41
women who are homesick. I find it very amusing
because by now, you are someone else’s mum and
you are missing your mum and dad. You are now
somebody’s mum, you must be mature.
The bible says ​he that finds a wife… (Prov 18:22). ​We
don’t find babes we find wives; you must first be a
wife before you can be found. Wives and girls don’t
dress the same way; girls can expose their bodies;
wives don’t. Girls cannot cook; wives can cook. Girls
cannot manage money, they spend without thinking of
the future while, wives know about management
because they run the home.
Ladies, do you have the capacity to control your
emotions? There are some women that are in love with
the idea of being in love. They are always in love with
somebody, sometimes the person they are in love
with doesn’t even know they exist.
Sometimes when they are in a relationship, they start
to pressure the man into marrying them. The woman
in a hurry today, hustling you to marry her, proposing
42
to you, sending you everything to push you into
marrying her by force, this simply means she lacks
emotional control, what will happen if ten years into
the marriage she tells you she likes somebody else?
This is usually the cause of high divorce rates in
developed nations, it’s not uncommon to hear things
like “I don’t love you anymore.” if she could not
control herself when you were in courtship then she
won’t control herself when you are married
.
I even hear people give the excuse that the reason
they rush into marriage is to avoid sexual temptation.
Who told you that when you are married the
temptation will stop? That is when the real temptation
starts; there are married women that are being wooed
all over this country. In fact, there are pregnant
women whom are still being chased. I’ve heard real
life situations, where the woman is pregnant and I
mean visibly pregnant but the man still says I like you.
So are you mature enough to control yourself
emotionally or should I say sexually? Can you say
“no!” or will you still try to hide behind marriage?

43
Is there capacity for spiritual things? Because whether
you like it or not marriage is spiritual. Do you have
spiritual maturity? Some people have never heard
God, but they want to hear from God for the first time
concerning marriage. Have you taken time to grow in
your walk with God? Have you taken time to grow in
your understanding of the things of God? Have you
taken time to become a mature person, to have a very
balanced view of life? There must be capacity
because marriage is not for boys, it’s for men.
I’ve heard Ladies say, “Pastor, he is shy, he hasn’t
proposed. Should I propose for him?” He can’t be shy,
If he is too shy, it means he doesn‘t have the capacity,
because proposing to you is just one step, he will still
go and propose to your father, tell him I want to marry
your daughter, that’s not all, in some tribes, he will
still has to go and propose to all her uncles, he has to
have the capacity today to do all that. So check for
capacity- financially, spiritually, emotionally,
mentally, socially and physically. Remember capacity
simply means maturity.

44
 CHAPTER FOUR
COMPANIONSHIP
”A man that has friends must show himself friendly and
there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother”
-Proverbs 18:24.​
The bible is simply saying that there is a level of
friendship that is stronger than blood ties. Many
people do marriage as an assignment; marriage is
simply living with your friend.
Marry your friend. Look among your friends and pick
a wife. Don’t try to make your wife your friend that’s
difficult; you might find out that both of you don’t have
anything in common, instead, make your friend your
wife; it’s so much easier.
There are couples that sit down to talk and find out
that after one hour there is nothing to talk about
because they are married as husband and wife; it is
simply a job with defined roles - I am the husband;
you are the wife. I bring money home; you cook and
45
stay home and raise the children while I go to work.
It’s just work, there is no relationship between them.
The man is never at home; whenever you see women
complaining, ‘my husband is never at home.’ Then I
know that he is not her friend. You will leave your wife
at home every day and come back at midnight or
11pm everyday that you are with your friends. So, who
did you marry? A baby factory, to be releasing
children, or a house help? The truth is that some
people married a house help, they needed someone
to be cleaning their house, washing their clothes and
cooking their meals, that is why they married, there’s
no relationship.
Men always gravitate towards their friends. That’s
why they go out to the club and all the other places
they go to. It’s to be with ​their ​friends, so they can gist.
If he is not your friend he won’t stay at home, I wonder
where I will be if I am not with my wife. Anywhere you
see me you must see my wife; and I mean anywhere in
the world and now because I’ve said it so often people
always ask me, “where is your wife?” I will say,
“There she is.” She is my friend I don’t desire the
46
company of any other person apart from her; anybody
that is my friend is our friend that’s how it works I
don’t desire to be away from her for one minute what
am I going to discuss that I don’t want her to hear? She
is as intelligent as any of my other male friends and
she has a strong sense of humor. There is nobody I
want to hang out with when she is not there; and I
mean absolutely nobody else I desire to be with like
that – whether male or female. The key is to marry
your friend.
Some people say I have a friend and I have a husband.
No! They are supposed to be together because you
shouldn’t have too much time to share with someone
else. Your husband should be your friend; your wife
should be your friend. That way marriage is no more a
burden it is just natural. I really don’t understand
when people say they fight in marriage. Because of all
the negative things I hear about marriage, my wife
and I often ask ourselves are you sure we are
married?

47
Every one desires the company of their good friend.
We don’t make friends; we actually discover friends.
That’s why when you enter a class; maybe in
university or you move from a certain level to another
in your schooling or you get into a new class where
everybody is new, do you know what is going to
happen in the first four weeks of that class? People will
enter that class and some will automatically go to the
front; as soon as they enter the class, something
moves them to the front. Those are the ones
considered nerds, they always sit in the front of the
class and those in front always do their assignments,
they always know what the lecturer said but some
others when they enter a class or even church, they
naturally gravitate towards the back. In church, the
ushers encounter such people all the time. When
asked to go to the front, they naturally decline
because they are born for the back. They are the ones
that when the lecturer forgets to ask for the
assignment, say “thank you LORD.” because they did
not do it.

48
So on entering a group, people naturally find their
level, it is not everybody that can be your friend.
Friendship requires that you think alike, and that you
have things in common. Marry your friend that
relationship is tighter than the one you have to do by
force. Even in an office when office hours close
people that are not friends just go away but people
that are friends continue with the relationship even
after office hours. Many girls say, “I can’t marry this
guy, he is my friend.” who else do you want to marry,
your enemy? It’s your friend you need to marry.
Marry someone you know, you should marry your
friend, it doesn’t have to be someone you know from
childhood, but somebody with mutual values.
Marry your friend because the truth is, the real thing
you will do in marriage is hanging out, spending time
with yourselves, I usually tell people that there are 24
hours in a day. If both of you are very spiritual
“Brother” and “Sister”, say both of you pray and
study the word of God for one hour, you challenge
yourselves with scriptures, You do all those things for
one hour, how many hours are left in that day? 23
49
hours, then both of you are so physically attracted to
one another, and then you have sex passionately for
another one hour. How many hours are left in that
day? What will the both of you be doing in 22 hours If
both of you are not friends? The real thing you will be
doing in marriage is hanging out. You just sit down
and talk, if both of you cannot talk now, you will bore
yourselves to death.
I often hear people complain that it seems everyone is
pretending these days and to be honest, I think it is
because too many people are looking for spouses. If a
woman is looking for a husband and you are looking
for a wife won’t both of you pretend? But if both of you
are friends; friendship is built on reality,
transparency, and sincerity but courtship can be built
on being fake. That’s why too many people pretend.
people will pretend when the reason for coming
together is marriage but when it is friendship the
person will be real, they will show their true nature, so
stop looking for a wife and look for a friend if you
want someone who is real. When you are with your
friend, you are real and not trying to impress anyone.
50
The first time my wife and I went out, there were no
strings attached we just went out as friends, nothing
romantic. I didn’t even know I would think of her as a
wife so it was very easy when we went out as friends
to be very real with each other. You can pretend on a
date, but you can’t fake it inside the home so let him
know who you are now. Too many people pretend and
that’s why marriages break. Romance is based on
fleeting things, on things that are not reality, people
choose to live in those fleeting things like chocolates,
teddy-bears, scented candles, flowers, etc. but for
how long will it last? So when those things end, the
relationship or marriage too will end. All those things
are good when there’s a strong foundation. Pretense
will be less when it is real friendship.
Most married couples don’t talk, they don’t have real
intimacy, no real friendship; the husband is doing
something the wife does not know about, the wife is
doing something the husband knows nothing about,
there’s no real communication.
I remember the story of the woman that wanted her
husband to spend more time at home because her
51
husband goes to the club after work each day and she
said to herself, “Is it not the club? Is it not pepper soup
he goes there to drink? And so, she prepared pepper
soup for him and put his best drink in the fridge. Her
husband came back from work as usual, had his bath
and wanted to go to the club again when she stopped
him saying, “No, wait! I have prepared pepper soup
for you”, and he said, “Ah! that’s great!” he sat down
and asked for what he would drink after eating, she
brought him his best drink which he drank and when
he was through he said, “I am still going to the joint”,
then she asked, “Is it not the pepper soup that makes
you go there?” He said, “No, it’s the gist, it’s the guys,
it is the hanging out, we just use the pepper soup and
drink to wash it down.”
So, the best way to keep that man or that woman is to
develop friendship. That means you should like some
mutual things; be interested in some things your
friend is interested in. it’s simple really, if you are a
woman and your fiancé loves cars, start learning
about cars. Let him teach you; that will be fun.

52
Sometimes, when women don’t like a thing they do
not want to learn anything about it. They want to stick
to what they are familiar with like novels and soap
operas. You must get interested in his interests. I
remember a woman who was always complaining that
her husband was always going to the mechanic on
Saturdays so her pastor advised her next time he is
going pack a picnic basket, put on a pair of jeans and
go with him to the mechanic, sit down there and gist
with him; ask him questions. Learn about cars, learn
about football, watch a match with him sometimes. It
makes the relationship more interesting, don’t just
spend all your time gisting him about make up; men
are not interested in such things.
I don’t have any other friend, its either you are our
friend, that is me and hers together because you will
always see me with her, it will be difficult for me to get
along with somebody she is not getting along with,
she is my friend the main thing I want to do with her is
talk.

53
Some people just think that when you are married,
you will have sex, morning, afternoon and night. Ask
people that have been married for 5, 10 years. That is
why many people, the way they run their homes, they
are the king, the wife seats down at the backyard, the
man calls her mama so and so come here, bring the
remote control, she came from backyard, the remote
control is in front of him. He will say ok, go, where is
the soup? Go and bring it, there is no salt. It is a
dictatorship.
My wife is my friend, my best friend, I cannot say it
enough, marry your friend. Marry your friend. The
main thing you do is hang out, to talk and that is why
true love doesn’t happen instantly, it grows and when
you now get married, it will keep growing because
you understand each other. When it is an instant thing
it’s like a spark, it will be fading because the real
issues is certain. Why did you marry her? The reasons
I married my wife, the reasons are still present, they
are still sparking happiness and emotions in me.
If you can understand how this things work, you will
have a sweet marriage, I am not talking about a 2, 3,
54
10, 20 year happy marriage, but a lifetime of amazing
friendships and unforgettable experiences.

55
 CHAPTER FIVE
COMPATIBILITY
“Two cannot walk together unless they be agreed”
-Amos 3:3
Once you have sorted out the issue of companionship,
then you need to be sure you are compatible.
Compatibility does not necessarily mean that both of
you are similar and exactly the same, it simply means
that both of you can get along well, it means that you
are well-suited for or attuned to each other. It doesn’t
mean that we should be the same thing, that if I have
bow legs, she must also be bow-legged, that is not
what compatibility means.
Compatibility means that we can go together; that we
are well-matched. For instance your biro and the
biro-cover are compatible, when you are not using it,
it covers the main part of the biro-head, when you
want to use the ball point, then you would cover the
tail end of the pen with the biro cover and it would still
sit there perfectly while you write, that is
compatibility. It doesn’t, like I said earlier, necessarily
mean similarity, it simply means that both of you can
56
fit together. You might not be the same, for instance,
my wife likes cold food, I like hot food, it shouldn’t
cause a problem.
There are two things that make people quarrel in
marriage. First, it is when they, either or both are very
selfish people and are unwilling to adjust, because no
matter who you marry, no matter how compatible you
are, there will still be need for adjustment, but if both
of you are compatible the adjustment will be very
little, it won’t be stressful. Compatibility, like we have
established doesn’t mean that you won’t have to
adjust in some areas, but if both of you are not selfish
it will be easy for you to adjust.
The second reason why people quarrel excessively is
just total incompatibility that is when the two cannot
even get along at all, even concerning the smallest
things. They don’t ever see eye to eye on any issue;
totally incompatible. Ask yourself do we get along in
basic things? What are our simple basic values? How
do we treat people? How do we see life? Do we have
similar goals in life? Genesis 2:18 says;
57
 ​ “And the LORD God said, it is not good that the man
should be alone. I will make him a​ n help meet”
T​ hat word is not one word it is two put together “help
meet”. What He was saying is I will make him a helper
that is ​suitable and ​adaptable​. So it is not every one
that you can get along with. Compatibility is about
your ability to get along not necessarily your
similarity. For instance, if someone is quiet it doesn’t
mean he has to marry another quiet person; no he
might need to marry someone that can talk. They will
be more compatible because it means one party will
do more listening while the other will do more of the
talking. If both of you talk a lot who will listen? If both
of you are quiet who will talk?
It is not based on similarity but rather on our ability to
meaningfully get along or fit into each other’s lives.
Marry someone that you are compatible with. It’s not
everybody you can get along with; it is not even every
Christian that you can marry. Let me give you a
practical example, there are some churches where
women do not wear earrings while there are some
58
other churches where men are allowed to wear
earrings. Imagine a man and a woman who go to
churches like these planning to get married. He has a
different belief from hers. Where will they be wed?
So, you need to check your spiritual compatibility. We
have basic fundamental differences not just in biblical
understanding but in our lives as well.
Also check simple things like compatibility in your
vision. Where are the two of you going? Are you
headed in the same direction? It is not every woman
that can marry a pastor. The calling of a pastor’s wife
is different from the calling of a business man’s wife,
and also different from that of a career man’s wife. If
you are a business man’s wife you must know how to
pray because in business there is no fixed income and
getting by every day, is by faith. Then on the other
hand, a pastor should not marry a business man’s wife
because in business everything is profit and loss, but
ministry is not about profit and loss; at least not in
monetary terms. In ministry, profit is counted by how
many people were blessed not how much money was

59
made. So marry someone that you are compatible
with.
I usually give this example, let’s assume that your
name is Jane and you have two suitors asking for your
hand in marriage and both have the name Michael
and your vision is to have an international choir that
will sing at the world cup and international events.
Who will you marry? Let me make it a bit clearer for
you. The first one goes by the name Michael Jackson
and the second one is Michael Tyson who will you
marry? Certainly you will choose Michael Jackson
because he can come to help you in the studio with
your recordings, he can teach your back-up singers a
thing or two. He can choreograph your songs and
generally add value to your vision; his name just
being added to yours will open doors for you and
make your album sell. Sometimes, he can even
feature in your songs.
On the other hand if your vision is to clear social
miscreants (area boys) from a certain area, who will
you marry? Marrying Michael Jackson would be a
60
major mistake while marrying Michael Tyson will
make your job easier. Of course, once they see you
they will just stay away because they know your
husband can beat them up. Statistics show that most
divorces are caused by irreconcilable differences,
things they just couldn’t agree about, ask important
questions before you marry, what are your beliefs on
God, money, kids, in-laws, talk about anything
possible, differences weaken a relationship.
Compatibility makes life ease.

61
 CHAPTER SIX
CHEMISTRY
“Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her
​ ​ ​

breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished

​ ​ ​

always​ with her love”.

​
- Proverbs
5:19.
Another major quality to look out for is Chemistry.
There must be chemistry. Many people believe you
should just marry, just look at the spiritual virtue, be in
the spirit, don’t walk in the flesh just close your eyes
and pray and just pick in the spirit. Do you know the
bible says you should watch and pray and I don’t
know where else that phrase “watch and pray” is
relevant than in the area of marriage, I don’t think
there is any other area where you need to be
watching than in the area of marriage.
Watch and pray; don’t marry in the Spirit because
marriage has carnal aspects. The bible says in
Proverbs chapter 5 verses 19, ​let her breasts satisfy
you at all times. ​You know what that means, you must

62
be satisfied with the person you marry till you die, and
you are not permitted to look at another person’s wife.
So after you have checked out other major issues
please marry somebody you like. Many people just
marry, yet they complain, “I don’t like her, I am just
obeying God.” I also hear people say things like, “I
just like her, she is very spiritual”, but my question is
“are you attracted to her?” you’ll hear them say “no,
but she is very spiritual .She will be praying for me.”
Don’t be deceived you can have the best of both
worlds, God is not a task master; His commandments
are not grievous. God will not tell you to marry
someone you will not like. And I’m saying this
because too many people want to hide under this
guise saying, “I don’t like you it is just God that forced
me” don’t let anyone marry you under pressure; they
must like what they see.
I have seen men, Christian men put themselves under
pressure, they marry a sister, she doesn’t dress the
way they like, she doesn’t look the way they like.
Every time they are together his eyes are going
63
everywhere, looking at other people’s wives. Marry
the one you will be satisfied with. All the other basic
qualities must be in place, but please still marry
someone you like; there must be chemistry. As much
as we should look out for spiritual things, please
marry someone that is fine to you. Other people might
not think she is fine or he is fine, but the person must
at least be fine to you. Now everyone may not like her,
others might think she is too tall, too short, too fair or
too dark but it is what you think that matters because
every woman is beautiful and every man is handsome
it all depends on how you see it. Some might say she
is too short others might say she is cute, you can carry
her easily. So there is no one that is bad it all depends
on how you see it, so there must be chemistry. You
must like what you see, don’t say it is God then close
your eyes. You must like her because you will be
telling her that she is beautiful everyday and you must
like what you see because you will be telling him that
he is handsome and it needs to be the truth to you.
Personally, for instance, I like women to be as natural
looking as possible. My wife is beautiful and even
though she uses make-up, she never looks made up or
64
overdone. Nowadays, with quite a number of women,
everything on their body is fake; the hair is fake
(maybe a wig or a weave), the eyebrow is fake
(permanently painted on), the eyelashes are fake
(false eyelashes), the colour of the eyes is fake
(contact lens), nails are fake (stick-on or acrylic), so
by the time they get home with you after the wedding
and start removing all the false parts of their body and
she comes out of the bathroom you will say, “ah!
Where is my wife? So it’s crucial that you are sure that
you are getting what you like. Now please note that if
that is what you do, I’m not saying that you should not
do it, but as for me I like it when women look natural. I
like to see my wife when she has not had her bath,
before she puts on any make-up in the morning and
still like her because she still looks just as beautiful.
Proverbs 5:19 says
“Let her be as the loving hind and the pleasant roe let
her breast satisfy thee at all times and be thou ravished
always with her love”.

65
So God is saying the summary of it is that you must
love the person you want to marry. Did I hear you say
his lips are too big, or his eyes are big? If you don’t
like it leave him, someone else will like those big eyes
and big lips. As a woman you need to know that
whatever thing you think is a disadvantage is the very
thing someone else will like and will want to marry
you for, so stop trying to change yourself. You say,
“But I am too fat.” Is that your excuse? People fatter
than you are married. But if you need to lose weight
do lose some weight for health reasons but don’t use
that as an excuse to be unhappy or settle for less than
you deserve. Marry the person you like, refuse to
manage anyone or be managed by anyone.

66
 CHAPTER SEVEN
COMPLEMENTARY
“Two are better than one because they have a good
reward for their labour. For if they fall the one will lift up
his fellow but woe to him that is alone when he falleth ,
for he hath not another to help him up, again when two
lie together then they have heat but how can one be
warm alone? , If one prevail against him two shall
withstand him and a threefolded cord is not quickly
broken.” –Ecclesiastes 4:9
The person you marry must complement you; (s)he
must add to, supplement, match, balance, round out,
and complete you. In joining, with them you must
bring better results. (S)he must complement you just
as the bible put it, two are better than one. The two of
you coming together must produce a greater result.
Two must always be better in marriage than one.
There are some marriages that one is better than two;
their joining together will reduce their chances of
making it in life.

67
Friend, marriage is not a joke, two must be better than
one. The bible said; ​he that finds a wife finds a good
thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22).
Life should be on a flight upward when you get
married not allowed to be in reverse or on ground
level. Many get married and that’s the last hope,
everything is finished. Some people say, I am just in
love and the man has no job and you want to marry
him? No, let him find a job before he finds a wife
.When God created Adam He gave him a job first
before He brought him a wife. A woman must not meet
you jobless, you might say, “I finished school since
1982 I cannot find a job.” If you cannot find a job then
create a job. God expects you to be a strong
individual before you join to another person because
if you join with that weakness you have, it will be
doubled.
There are some people that came to me saying pastor
we want to get married, when I saw the two of them, I
said, “if you join the problem both of you are carrying
together we will need external help to keep you
down” because I saw the individual struggles they are
68
yet to make a headway in their own personal lives. It‘s
easier to solve your problem when you are alone,
when you are married, your life is no more your own;
your money is half, your time is half ,everything is
divided and you now want to solve a problem you
could not solve when you were whole and you had all
the time and money to yourself.
I have seen two people come together with serious
issues; no job, nothing and you want to get married.
Next thing, children will appear because you can get
pregnant the first day. So, nine months after, a child
has entered the picture; he will not eat love, then
there are no “​love diapers”, all diapers are paid for,
he will need to go to school, all school fees are paid
for with money not love and he will not wear love he
will need clothes.
So you were struggling as an individual and now you
have joined yourself with somebody struggling as
well and the joining does not increase you, if anything
it reduces you. It is easier to rescue an individual than
to rescue a family. If one person has a problem we can
69
easily help but when the whole family has a problem
who will you pull out first? All of them are in danger.
Whoever you choose to marry must be
complimentary; two must be better than one. Open
your eyes when you are getting married, please.
Marriage is a covenant partnership, like in business
you don’t just join to any company for joining sake
there must be something we are going to add to each
other. Can we add value to each other? when I was
getting married I knew I needed someone that would
stand with me in ministry not a minus I needed an
addition and it is there today since we have gotten
married things have gotten better ministry-wise,
everything has gotten better; my life is more
organized, far more focused and productive.
So many people say they are in love but when they
are faced with real issues and the challenges of life,
they suddenly discover that the love has gone out the
window, when the landlord shows up and he is
kicking them out they will forget love. I am not saying
you should marry out of greed but you must see that
70
your partnership will produce a better result than you
being alone. Marriage is not a vision, marriage is not
an end; it is only a means to an end. It is part of the
vehicles we use to enter fulfillment.
There is a guy I counseled, I told him you are not
ready for marriage don’t try it because the way he
was thinking and as a man you represent the highest
wisdom in that family and you are talking like this I
have not seen his children but I am pitying them
because that will be the highest level of wisdom
available to them. I told him don’t talk marriage go
and improve yourself.
Friend as that man is wooing you or as you are
beginning to develop love for that girl ask yourself
when we join together are we going to produce more;
are we going to be better? Any union that adds joy to
you naturally will make your life better but any union
that reduces you before long resentment sets in and
you will begin to wander secretly, did I marry the
right person? And it will continue to build till it gets to
the point where it becomes a real issue and the
71
marriage breaks. Men listen to me carefully, don’t
marry any woman that says I will marry you like that
you can be poor; she is lying or simply making an
emotional decision. When real issues arise she will
change her mind; when all her neighbors are buying
Aso-ebi and she can’t buy, the neighbors’ children go
to good schools and hers can’t, her tone will change.
Life cannot be allowed to go backwards, if you have
never been rich and now you are poor it won’t pain
you but if you have been rich before and you now
become poor it is painful. Some men that say I want to
marry a sophisticated woman, now that she is on her
own she travels out of the country at will, she now
marries you and all these things cease, she could go
for lunch before but now she can’t go for lunch. Don’t
allow romance blind you, it must be complementary,
are we going to add to each other’s lives?

72
 CHAPTER EIGHT
COMMITMENT
“Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all
​ ​

things, endureth​ all things.”1 Cor 13:7(KJV)

​

Marriage is largely run by commitment and nothing

else. I know before we entered we were thinking it’s
feelings, we thought it was about emotions, I love you,
you love me, you are my pumpkin, you are my ice
cream, you are my butterfly, that’s before marriage,
while your heads are still in the clouds, check for
commitment, that’s the thing that’ll keep any one in
marriage.
Those that have great marriages are the ones that
usually have great commitment. Because in marriage
it will not be convenient you will not always feel like
doing the things you ought to do. No woman wants to
cook when she gets home at ten o’clock in the night
from work; she’ll be exhausted but that’s where
commitment comes in. she knows that even when she
doesn’t feel like it, she still needs to.

73
Listen, even the sex in marriage is by commitment
because many young men are trying to marry
beautiful women because they think that’s what will
sustain sexual pleasure in marriage. No, when you
marry you will discover all women are the same and
the pleasure is the same. If you are married for a year,
two, three, four, you will not see all those things single
men are seeing, its commitment that will keep you at
that level. It’s not all about sex, if you know how many
people have this problem in marriage that I have
counseled, if you ask, what is it? They will say my
husband does not sleep with me anymore. It’s funny
because as a single man it was a challenge trying to
get him to control himself and now two or three years
into marriage he cannot even get himself to have sex
with the same person he couldn’t control himself
around anymore. The wife is complaining for the past
one month my husband has not touched me. So even
when you get married, the sex that used to excite you
as a single person, will be by commitment.
There was a young man that sent me a mail saying
pastor my wife is not always happy, I told him do what
74
you should do because his wife was telling him to do
something. I am sure when he was young they will be
telling him cool down, cool down, he will be saying
no, o.k. go ahead, three years down the line he is
tired. Ask the married men around you they will tell
you it is commitment. So, true love is commitment.
Fear the quitter. The person that is a quitter today will
also quit in marriage. Check the person that quit
school for no reason quits church for no reason, quits
his job for no reason or when faced with the slightest
challenge, always quitting, he will also quit in
marriage. Check the one that quits the department,
why did you stop work in your department? I just got
tired, he will get tired in marriage because it is for the
rest of your lives, and it’s forever. Look out for the guy
that has no commitment, he quit his last relationship
for nothing, why did you leave your last relationship
he’ll say I just got tired and you want to start another
one with him. He’s a quitter, marriage won’t change
any one. Watch out for the quitter, quit school, quit
church, and quit work. Doesn’t have commitment
watch out for the committed people they are the ones
that can stay in a marriage. Marriage will require
75
commitment. Do you think when people say “I have
been married for twenty years…” it is by romance? It
is commitment that keeps you married fifty, sixty
years down the line. I agree there should be romance
and feelings, but commitment will stand the test of
time.
Statistics show that fifty percent of first marriages end
in divorce, sixty percent of second marriages end in
divorce, seventy percent of third marriages end in
divorce and so on. This goes to show that the same
way you were not committed in the first marriage to
stay married, you will exhibit even less commitment
in the second marriage and so on because it is not
about changing partners, it’s about staying committed
to the one you choose to marry. Even if you marry an
angel you will still need commitment for it to work.

76
 CHAPTER NINE
CONVICTION
Let every man be fully persuaded in his own heart
– Romans 14:5.
You must be convinced in your spirit that the person
you want to marry is the right person.
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thy heart, and
lean not on your own understanding, in all thy ways
acknowledge him and he shall direct your path”
So, when it comes to marriage after you have checked
all other things that need checking please pray; there
must be that spiritual conviction. Many people don’t
know anything about prayer these days, they just
cajole God, let this man marry me, they don’t know
how to ask, “LORD is it your will; is it this one?” Don’t
force God to bless what he has not blessed. It’s only
what God has joined together that you cannot put
asunder (Matt 19:6) but what you joined together by
yourself can definitely break or be put asunder.
77
Pray; learn to trust in the Lord with all your heart,
don’t lean on your knowledge of how things are done
or on your normal understanding by thinking, she’s
fine, she’s good, she’s a worker, she’s a pastor, no! He
can be a deacon now and be a demon tomorrow.
Lean not on your own understanding, He said, in all
your ways (including marriage) acknowledge God
and He will direct your steps.
That’s why it’s amazing for me that when women are
doing things like fasting and praying together or
organizing bible study meetings; some women will
never show up then out of the blues they now want
God to tell them who to marry. You are not building
your relationship with God; you’ve never heard from
God before on any other issue so how do you want to
know when and how God is speaking to you when it
comes to the issue of marriage.
Some people I don’t even know sometimes call me or
even come to see me saying, “Pastor, John and James
want to marry me, please tell me, who I should
marry?” I cannot tell you that! I cannot choose for you
who to marry. ​YOU go and pray and hear for yourself
78
from God who you should marry, but you see the
problem now is that since you have not been hearing
God before, is it now you will hear God? How are you
sure what you will hear is correct? Besides, I don’t
know James or John; I don’t even know you Miss Jane,
so how am I going to choose for you? It’s not your
prophets conviction it’s your own because you are the
one getting married. You cannot base it on anyone’s
conviction not even the person that is proposing to
you; it must be your own conviction.
Some Christians are so shallow you won’t believe it.
You need to grow spiritually. You must have a real
relationship with God; a living, walking, working
relationship with God. I hear too many Christians say
it was my pastor that prophesied that this is my wife.
How can you base that decision on someone else? I’ve
seen too many marriages crash because they were not
convinced themselves they just give names to pastors
or prophets, and say, ‘Man of God, these are the
names just let me know the one that’s right.’ When
you see pastors that do that, just know that they are
pastors with a low self esteem and usually they just
79
want to feel important. I don’t believe that God place
your marital destiny in anyone’s hands. He may place
people in your life as checks and balances but the
choice of who you marry cannot be up to anyone else.
Too many people still want to place the responsibility
of choosing a spouse on their pastors or prophets; I
am not the Holy Ghost. The bible says, as many as are
led by the Spirit of God (Romans 8:14), you cannot be
led by a prophet, that is not the New Testament, you
must grow for yourself, you must grow in the things of
God. You cannot put your life in someone else’s
hands, you don’t know if he has not prayed for the
past three weeks. He might be having marriage
problems in his own house and his wife’s English
name is Jane; his wife just finished slapping and
tearing his clothes at home before you walked in to
see him. Then you bring the name Jane to him he’ll
just tell you “no, no, don’t marry Jane, thus says the
Lord.” It’s not thus says the Lord its thus says the slap
that his wife just gave him.

80
The bible says let the peace of God be the umpire in
your heart (Colossians 3:15). In all your ways
acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Don’t
be lazy spiritually, it’s your life. It erases all doubt
when you are fully convinced after you have prayed.
Nothing shakes you anymore because you are sure
you have gotten God’s go-ahead. When I met my
wife, I liked her but I still prayed and I told her and we
agreed that if two hours before the wedding I get a
strong leading not to marry you I will not marry you.
You must be that submitted to God. Not your parents
conviction, not the suitors conviction, but on your own
conviction. If someone proposes to you, saying, “God
said I should marry you, God said you are my wife,
you must marry me or else you will be walking
outside God’s will for your life and if you do you will
never be happy.” This puts too many women under
pressure; you cannot marry based on his conviction. If
God has not told you then don’t marry him. Don’t say,
‘pastor he has heard God no need for me to hear
God.’ No! Hear God for yourself, it erases all doubt.
There are many married people today wondering if
they married the wrong person; every month they are
81
thinking about it: am I sure I married right? Is this the
best I could have done? And the sad part is that they
are already married. I am a hundred percent sure that
I married the right person because I prayed about it
before I went ahead and I heard from God. It erased
all doubt for me, I am so certain that I married the
right person for me so no matter what challenges I am
faced with I know this is my wife, I am sure and
nothing can change that.
When you are convinced, even when you face
opposition on the way you are still strong not that you
are shaking. You must hear God for yourself because
as many as are led by the Spirit of God they are the
sons of God. It erases all doubts from your heart
forever. Get personal conviction.

82
 CHAPTER TEN
COUNSELLING
“In the multitude of counsellors there is safety”
-Proverbs 11:14.
One of the most important things to take into
consideration when getting married is
COUNSELLING. Please take time to get Counselling.
Too many people ask me questions that their Pastors
will be in a better position to answer. Talk to someone
who knows you and understands the things of God.
Please if you belong to a church; a bible believing
church, get to know your pastors and let them know
you. You should be involved in the church; join a
department, attend services, be a worker in church,
attend a cell group, make friends, etc. Be an active
member of your church so they can get to know the
real you and they will be able to answer a lot of
questions. A lot of the questions people ask me there
is no way I can answer them because some issues
don’t have a yes or no; right or wrong answer, it
83
depends on the people involved. For instance, a
question like, “should I marry at 22?” I cannot just
give you a general answer because the answer to that
question is largely dependent on how well I know you
as a person. There are some 22 year olds that are
mature, while some are not. I cannot sit here and
know if you are mature through the phone or through
text messaging, but your pastor should be able to tell
because they should know you. My dear, take your
time, take counsel don’t dodge counsel. I heard a
story of a woman that was in a hurry to get married;
but at her church they had a policy of six months
courtship classes, but she was in a hurry because she
felt she couldn’t wait, she left her church and went to a
church where the counselling classes could be done
faster and she got married in another church, I think in
one year or less than that the marriage dissolved and
she got a divorce. Not quite long after that she met
someone else who wanted to marry her and instead of
waiting to do things right, because she was in a hurry
again, she quickly arranged another one and that also
ended in no time. Take it easy, slow down and let your
Pastor know about your plans then go through proper
84
counselling. Don’t try to dodge it; you will be doing
yourself more harm than good. Marriage is a long
term thing, it’s not for 10 years, it’s not for 20 years,
it’s for the rest of your life, trust me that is a very long
time.
Counseling is very important, especially for this
younger generation. I keep saying don’t play with
counsel especially when you belong to a church that’s
sound on teaching marriage because there are some
things you’ll not see especially when you are blinded
by romance that somebody else will see, so get
counsel.
In our church, our procedure is before you start a
serious relationship talk to a pastor, there are many
reasons why we insist on that in our own church and
even if people grumble about it we still insist because
it is for their safety. Some people you want to marry
are already married. There are some people that have
come to meet me, “Pastor I like that girl in the choir
she is nice, she sings beautifully, she is pretty and
she…” I finish for them, “… is married” yes, she is
85
married. She is nice, she sings and she is married, but
most people don’t know. I have just helped him and
saved him the trouble of proposing to a married
woman, that way you can quickly adjust your eyes and
move it to someone else .Some are engaged may be
their fiancé is out of the country briefly, someone
walks up to me and says, “Pastor I like that girl, that
usher, I’m sure it’s the LORD” and I say “I’m sure it is
not the Lord because she is already engaged and they
are getting married in the next two months” so you
see, counsel is for safety.
There are some people you even want to marry that
are undergoing treatment. You must understand that a
church is a hospital; that’s why it’s not everybody you
meet in church you can marry. Church is a hospital
and a good hospital is known by the amount of sick
people you see in it. Can you see someone enter a
hospital and say this hospital is an international
standard hospital, a very good hospital but there are
no sick people there. When you enter a good hospital
you’ll see someone’s leg hung up, someone else in
pains, some are vomiting in one corner yes that’s a
86
good hospital, they are working. A good hospital is
known by the amount of sick people inside so a good
church is like a good hospital. We have insane people
in church, we have fraudsters, we have liars and
cheats, we have angry people; that’s a good church.
We are giving them treatment, some are responding
while others are not yet responding. So it’s not
everyone you meet in church you can marry. You
need to go and ask the chief medical officer or the
chief consultant about the patients there. Ask how are
they responding to treatment sir? Then we will now
tell you that the illness is terminal the person will not
survive do not marry or that person will be needing
some more treatment and with some time will be
perfect for marriage.
I am of the opinion that too many people can avoid
broken-hearts if they would only take counsel, most
times when your heart breaks it won’t be possible to
glue it back fully well again. You know when glass
breaks and it’s joined it will still show that it’s been
glued. It can never be put back to one piece again the
way it was before it was broken. So avoid getting your
87
heart broken, get counsel. It sounds funny but there
are some young men in church that have what I like to
call the three months disease; they date a girl for
three months then they get tired and move on.
They’ve been doing it and both of us have agreed that
it’s a disease and I’m giving them certain tablets (in
the scriptures) to see if we can treat the illness. Now,
because it is not written on his face, one young girl
came to church newly and did not ask any questions,
she didn’t tell anyone that he was interested in her,
she met that same guy they fell in love and they
started a relationship and in my mind I kept saying,
“Oh! How I wish she had asked me”, this thing is a
three month disease. If she had asked me I would
have warned her, we would have prayed about it, and
asked her some questions to be sure she should get
involved with him. Of course, she went along, she did
not ask any questions and did not seek any counsel.
Lo and behold, not long into it, the guy said to me,
“Pastor, I’m in a relationship with this girl but I don’t
think she’s the one.” I’ve heard this before so I said, “I
know. So have you told her yet?” because I knew it
88
wouldn’t work, I knew it like I knew my name. I knew
because before you came to join this church, he has
done that to about five other people. Do you think you
have the ability to change anyone? Ask questions;
seek counsel.
Recently I was talking to a young lady and she was
saying to me, “Pastor, we are having some problems
in our relationship, help me call him and talk to him”
Meanwhile, the guy just left a few days ago telling me
“pastor, I’ve seen someone else somewhere that I like
and I want to marry.”
I said “what of the other one? I thought you were in a
relationship?”
“We have ended it.” He replied. Can you imagine? He
has moved on but to the girl they are still together just
having problems. Heartbreak can be avoided, a
pastor will know about the people in his church, he’s
like a doctor he has the case file of each patient. There
are some things he has seen that you may not see and
that he will never tell you except it has a direct
bearing on your own life.
89
When you seek counsel you will be aware of the
treatments. You’ll know what to do. As for the new girl
he went to meet, I warned her; be careful with this
guy, we are treating him, we don’t know for sure if he
is going to respond to the treatment before you join
your heart with his, so take counsel.
Counsel will make life easy for you.

Proverbs 11: 14
“Where no counsel is the people fall, but in a multitude
of counsel there is safety”
Proverbs 12: 15 “The way of a fool is right in his own
eyes but he that harkeneth unto counsel is wise”
Proverbs 15:22,
”Without counsel purposes are disappointed but in a
multitude of counselors they are established”
Proverbs 20:18

90
It says “Every purpose is established by counsel and
with​ ​good advice make war”
Don’t jump into marriage without counsel. An
anointed pastor will see far better than you and will be
honest enough to tell you whether to go ahead or not.
Sometimes the guy is blinded by the girls shape, he
can’t even see her character but when you get counsel
they’ll sit you down and say this is the problem.
There’s a story I always share of one of my sons in the
Lord that brought one girl he wanted to marry I knew
two of them well and I told him “no I don’t think it’ll
work for so and so reasons.” He insisted, “No we must
get married.” I talked to this guy for about three
weeks consistently every day, trying to make him see
reason why he shouldn’t marry her. He insisted he
would marry her. The girl went on to convince him,
“who is your pastor that you are listening to him? Is he
your father? I came all the way down to Nigeria for us
to get married so we must do the wedding.” Watch
out for anyone that does not respect God because
God ordained those authorities, the girl convinced
him so they went behind me and got married. I saw
the pictures two months after the wedding.
91
Unfortunately, it didn’t make one year. One year after
they were married, she called him up on the phone
and said she wanted to break the relationship; she
called a marriage of one year, ​a relationship​.
Remember when he came to me for counsel, I said,
“don’t do it.” What he could not see I saw clearly.
Today, he is divorced and trying to pick up the
pieces.
When you come for counsel you must be ready to
accept it. Don’t come when you already know what
you want to do in your heart. That’s why it’s not good
for you to bring someone to your pastor, “pastor see
my wife I’m going to marry this girl on the 30th​ of
January.” before you go that far, come to your pastor
“sir or ma, I’m thinking of marrying someone what do
you think?” before you go ahead and fix the wedding
date.
Note that I am not asking you to ask for permission;
what I’m saying is rub minds with your pastor; ask for
his honest opinion. It’s like going to buy a used car
without asking your mechanic to take a look at it.

92
Another couple came to me that their relationship was
as a result of match-making; someone gave him her
phone number and they both hooked up. They said
they wanted to get married in the next two months. I
told the lady “Don’t rush into marriage. How well do
you know each other?” I did not even say don’t marry
each other, I was just saying, “It’s too early to decide.
Take time to get to know each other. You’ve just met
and you are planning a wedding in the next two
months. That means from now till the wedding all
you’ll be discussing are the wedding ceremony
details. ‘Have you seen that hall? Let’s go and check
that hall.’ It’s funny that even when they left my office
they were going to check a hall for the reception.
You won’t really know each other. How can you meet
on Sunday and plan a wedding in the next two months.
Two months is actually enough to keep you busy
planning the wedding you’ll never get to know each
other. You’ll be talking about ties, shoes, gown, meet
my father, meet my mother, bills, wedding colors;
before you know it the wedding day will come and
you are married.

93
After you get married, you’ll start knowing the person,
then you’ll be shocked when you see things you didn’t
know existed and that you don’t think you can cope
with. I told them, “Do your marriage counseling
classes first and in this church it is six months; go and
do it. The six months will have a calming effect on you.
It makes you relax because marriage requires
patience. I said, “Take time, do the counseling
classes.”
“No! Pastor is wicked, how can he say we should wait
six months? We have fixed the date and invited
people.” Six months is small compared to the sixty
years of a bad marriage.
I said, “Go in peace”, they went and married in some
other church. The story is back now the man is saying,
“If I knew I would not have married this girl” and she
is back to her parent’s house now. They are already
separated. IF YOU RUSH IN YOU WILL RUSH OUT.
I knew they should have done counseling; it would
have helped them refocus on the marriage and
relationship proper rather than the wedding
preparations. Get counsel, marriage is a lifetime thing
you can’t cross that line without counsel, it doesn’t
94
make sense. To a trained eye, something that looks
mysterious to you would look ordinary to him; things
you cannot see will be very visible to him. You know
when hearing a sound in your car in the morning
you’ll be wondering what’s wrong with this car. But
when taken to a mechanic’s workshop, just by hearing
the sound from afar, he will tell you check this or
check that or it’s the engine. A trained eye will see
things faster than you’ll ever see it and you’ll think it’s
mysterious, it’s not; he’s just trained. Sometimes,
when your car breaks down somewhere and it’s not
coming on, you’ll think it’s the devil but if a mechanic
arrives on the scene, he’ll tell you, “hit that thing, then
start it and It’ll start.” is he a magician? No, he is just a
trained eye. To you the car broke down for no reason
but he knows why it happened.

CONCLUSION
95
Somebody is saying pastor, “I’m looking for a wife, for
a husband.” like I usually say, you don’t have the
power to give yourself a spouse, but you have the
power to prepare for one. So you just go ahead and
prepare yourself that is all God requires of you. Don’t
say I don’t have any man now in my life, so you don’t
make up well so you don’t do your hair well, so you
don’t wear perfumes and all that, take care of yourself
now, you don’t know the day the man will meet you.
Take care of yourself.
Don’t just focus on the physical, You must have a
good attitude ,Rebecca was nice to that old man ,even
though the man was not an eligible bachelor, she
didn’t know the man was coming in search of a wife
for someone’s child (Gen 24:17-24), you know some
people are so rude to people they meet. Always carry
a good attitude naturally, dress well ​every day​, don’t
say I don’t have anybody in my life, dress well
everyday​, prepare yourself, improve yourself, be the
best you can be in whatever it is that you are doing,
then trust God to do the one He only can do. The bible
says wealth and riches are the inheritance of the
96
father, but a prudent wife is from the Lord (Proverbs
19:14). Man cannot give you a good wife, you cannot
get one by power or by might only God can do that.
Let God bless you with one.

SURRENDER TO CHRIST
​

97
If you have not given your heart to Christ this is a
good opportunity to do so, God reserves only good
and perfect gifts for His children. Come into God’s
fold today; let Him work out a good spouse for you,
say this prayer from your heart:
Lord Jesus, I come to you today, I acknowledge I am a
sinner and I believe that you came and died to save me.
I open my heart to you and ask that you be my Lord and
Saviour from today on-wards.[Romans 10:9-10].
Thank you Lord for saving me and transforming me into
your kingdom.

98
99
 OTHER BOOKS BY

● PASTORS KINGSLEY AND MILDRED

OKONKWO

● 25 WRONG REASONS WHY PEOPLE ENTER INTO

RELATIONSHIPS

● WHEN AM I READY

● JUST US GIRLS

● I LOVE YOU BUT MY PARENTS SAY NO

● GOD TOLD ME TO MARRY YOU

● SHOULD LADIES PROPOSE?

● WAITING FOR ISAAC

● 7 QUESTIONS WISE WOMEN ASK

● 7 QUALITIES WISE MEN WANT

● A-Z OF MARRIAGE

● CHAYIL: Secrets of the Virtuous Woman

● CHAYIL PRAYER JOURNAL

● HELP! My Husband is Acting Funny

100