Hello,I'

m Nobuhl eMqokel i.Youdon' tknowmeand

Idon'tknowyouei t
her ;butt hatisal laboutto
changebecauseyouar eaboutt oknowmel i
keyou
knowyourf riend.See;I 'm yourr egulareverydaygi
rl
,
ther
e'snot hingspeci al aboutmer eall
y,butthi
ngs
tookat wistedt ur
nf ort hisregul areverydaygirl
.I
wentf r
om wor ryi
ngaboutwher e/when/ howI '
l
lget
thenextpl ateoff oodt o...
letmenotspoi lt
hefun.
Juststickar oundt ofindoutt her est.
I
NTRO
ENTRY1

EversinceIcouldrememberi'vealwaysbeent he
fi
rstt
owakeupevenwhenmamawasst i
llaround.
I'
dwakeup, turnontheTVandwat chwhat everwas
onwhi l
eIwai t
edformamat ocal lmetoeitherbath
oreatmybr eakfast
.Whenigotol derandtall
enought or
eachsomet hi
ngsint hehouseist art
ed
helpi
ngout,sosomet i
mesmamawoul dwakeand
fi
ndthewat eralr
eadyboi
led,kit
chenandl ivi
ng-
room swept.fr
om ther
eonist art
edlearni
ngt ocook;
Istart
edwi thmama' sfamouspor ridgemi xedwith
fl
ourandIacedi tthef ir
stti
me.Fr om thatmoment
onobecameabi ggi r
lataveryyoungage, sowhen
mamadi ediwasal readyprepared;ibecameher .
Alltheday-to-
dayt hingsbecamemydut y;like
cl
eaning, cooki
ng, washi ngandtakingcar eof4
men-t hatismyf atherand3br others.Iam at hi
rd
chil
dandanonl ygi rlsoyoucani magi nemyl if
e.

Thismor ni
ng;asusualiam intheki t
chenbei nga
grownwoman.Ihaveal readymadet eaformy
father,nowi '
m busywi t
htheporridgeandi tis
comi ngtogetherperfecl
y.Somet hingi soddabout
thismor ningthough..
.i
tstooquiet,oneoft heboys
shoul dhavebeenher ebynowchecki ngifI
've
startedwi t
hbreakfast.

"Buhle,"thatshoul
dbeMandl a.He'syel
li
ngfrom
theli
ving- r
oom.Okay,they'
reup..
.andbeginsmy
day."Hi zangapha.qui
ckly!
".Nowihavet odrop
everythingIam doingandgot ohim.iwentt ot
he
meethi
mi nt
hel
ivi
ng-
room onl
ytof
indt
hewhol
e
packt
here.
"Surpri
se!!
"Theycriedsimultaneousl
y.Ont he
woodent ableinthecenteroftheroom iseeabi tt
le
ofcoke, apacketofdori
tosandchocol ateslab.iam
bitconfused,i
t'
snotmybr i
thdayandbesi deseven
onmybi rt
hdaytheydon'tdot hi
s.Theyjustgiveme
moneyorbuymedr essesandbodyspr ays.Didi
forgetdomething?

"Ok!Kwenzekantoni
,
"(whati
shappeni ng)Iasked
taki
ngaseatnexttomyfather.I
nfrontofusisMzi
andMzamoandbehi ndt
hecoucht hey'
reseatedin
i
t'sMandla.You'
l
lknowthem verysoon.
"Buhl
e,sanalwam"( Buhle,mybaby)myf at
her
fi
nall
ysaidsomet hingbecauset hisgettingabi t
akward."
Wear eproudofyou, yourmat ricresults
areoutst
andi
ngandIam sur eyourmot herisjust
asproudwher evershei s."headds.Ismi led,
becauseiam alsopr oudofmysel f.Istudiedreally
hardandgotaccept edt o3universit
ies.Onebei ng
theUniver
sit
yofKwaZulu-
Nat
alandiaccept
edthei
r
off
erbecauseIhaveal
wayswantedtomivetoKZN
andstudylaw.

"Kodwasi si
,kunengxakina..
."(but,
thereisami nor
problem)Mzimanangedt owipethesmi l
eof fmy
face."Wecan'taffor
dt hefees,"andwi t
hj ustfew
wor dshemanagedt oshat tereveryfibreofmy
being.Il
ookedatmyf atherhopinghe' dsay
somet hi
ngdiffer
ent,butinsteadhel ookedatt he
fl
oor .
"
Bhuti
,youpr
omi
sed,
"isai
dtr
eyi
ngt
okeepmy
t
ear
satbay.
"Si
zamileBuhl
e,
"(Wet
ri
edBuhl
e)Mzamosai
d
soft
ly.
Ist
oodupwi
thangert
hatwassovi
sibl
efort
hem
t
osee.
"Nizami
le.
"(Youtri
ed)Itookadeepbreat
hintr
ying
tosummont hestrengt
ht onotcr
yandhaveaheart
att
ackonthespot."Excuseme,"Imademywayt o
theboys'r
oom, i
tseemedl i
kethebestpl
acet
ogo
andcr
yandhopef
ull
ynotdi
e.

Ilayedonmybackont opofoneofthebeds.Ican
feelthebal
loff
ir
einmyhear tgr
owi
ngbiggerand
biggertowar
dsmythroat
.Ifeltt
het
earsrol
li
ngout
ofmyeyest omyears.
"DearGod,whom mamapr ayedto;ifyouwereever
realandifyoureal
lyl
ovedmelikemamasai dyou
did-pleasepl
easehelpme."Iwhisperedashort
prayer.
ENTRY2

Ihadapl anf ormyl i

fe.Ihadever yt
hingperfectl
y
plannedout ;nowt hi
s!Mybr otherspromisedme,
theysaidnomat t
erwhathappensiwi l
lgoto
universi
ty;theysaidthey'
dmakesur eigot oKZN.
Myl if
ewasgonnabegi ninDur ban.Ihadpl annedt o
besuper woman. .
.iwasgoi ngt omovet oDurban,
dateaZul uhunkf orsomet i
met henmar yhim;
wor katakick-asslawf i
rm, haveki dsthatgomodel
Cschool s,haveabi ghouse. ..
youknowbeasi ster
,
wif
e,mother
,lawyerandhavepeopl
ewonder
ing
howikeepeveryt
hingbal
ancedi
nmyl i
fe.

Iwasbor nher e,r

aisedhere,
ididgrade1upuntil
grade12i nthisdungeonandnow. .
.nowiam stuck
hereforever.Ican'
thavemyf ir
stki
sshereorhave
myvi rgi
nit
yt akenbysomeor di
naryguyfrom t
his
pl
ace.IWANTAZULUHUNKandidon' tt
hinkmy
brothersareunderstandi
ngthat.Mydreamsare
bi
ggert hanthisplace.

ihearfootst
eps,someonecamei n.it
'sMandla;he
satnexttome."Phakamamf ondini,
"(Si
tupstr
aight)
hepulledmyar mt owar
dshim,ididn'tst
ruggl
e."I
don'tl
ikeseei
ngyoul i
kethi
s,
"hesai d.
"
ThengoMandl a,
"isai
d.Iam notinthemoodf
or
whateverhewantstosay.Nothingcanmakeme
f
eelbetterr
ightnow.
"Theytr
ied,
theyreal
lydi
d.Noonewant st
ohire
someonewi t
houtamat r
iccer
ti
ficate,
"hesays
throwi
nghisarm overmyshoulder.Hedoeshavea
point
.IknowMzamost oppedschoolatgrade10
andMzi ;grade11..
.andtheydidthatsoMandlaand
icouldgot oschoolwhiletheyhustl
ed."
You'r
ea
verysmar tgir
lmntaseandumhl e,l
ikeyourname,
Nobuhle..
.you'l
lmakeit"

Nowifeelli
kei'
m bei
ngabitsel
fi
shf
orcr
ying.Mzi
andMzamogaveupal otf
ormeandbesi
desihave
myoutstandi
ngmat r
iccer
ti
fi
cat
e.

Okf olks!Nomor eKZN.Nomor elaw,nomor e

dreamsandnomor eZuluhunk.NowI '
mjustan
ordinaryNobuhle..
.hmmm myhear ti
sbur ni
ng.Help
me.Anyways. ..
myf atherwentt owor kandi
continuedwit
hl i
feasusual ,buteverythi
ngfelt
heavyandf orcedbecauseif eeliam forcedtobe
here.Theniwasver yenthusiast
icabouteverythi
ng
becauseihadanescapepl an.

Let'
sgett
oknowmyfami
ly.Myfat
her
,Mduduzi
JosephMqokel
i,
hei
smyhero.He'
saweakman
butilovehi
m.Thenmybr other;wehave
Mziwamandl a(Mzi)26yearsold.Aft
erMzi comes
Mzamowet hu(Mzamo)andhei s23,
thenmyself;
Nobuhl eMqokeliandIam 19;last
lywehave
Mandl aandheis18yearsol d.Ourparent
shavea
stor
ybehindthesenamesandmysmi lesfr
om ear
toearwhenhet ellsi
t.
ENTRY3

OK!I'
lldi
einthi
sdungeon.Timetomoveonwi t
h
l
ife.
..
it
sfri
dayinthemorningandasusuali'
mi nthe
kit
chendoingwhatidobest;bei
ngtheonlygir
l.The
porri
dgeisal
mostdone;thewateri
sreadyforthem
tobathandmaket ea.Mzamowalkedinhalfasleep.

"
Mor
ning,
"hesaysi
nthemi
ddl
eofyawni
ng.
"
mol
onakuwe,
"(mor
ningt
oyout
oo)
"
uri
ght
,"heasks.
"
Yeah,I'
mfine.Butbendi
cingayazi
,
"(I
'
vebeen
t
hinki
ng)Isaystar
ingtheporri
dge.
"
About
,"
"Ishoul
dgetajob,
nowthatiwon'
tbegoi
ngt o
schoolishoul
dmakemoneyofmyown.Theni n
thatwayicoul
dsaveupandgotoschoolnext
year,
"
"
AjobBuhl
e..
.hayiman!
"
"
Whowant
stogetajob,
"dadwal
kedi
nandj
oined
i
nont
heconver
sat
ion.
"
NguBuhl
e,
"thewayMzamosaidt
hati
t'
sli
kewhati
wantt
odoisanabomi
nat
ion.
"
Ajob,
"saidmyfatherandinoddedt
oassur
ehi
m
t
hatheheardr
ight
."Phinasisi
."
"Andazit
ata,
icangototownanddraftupaCVt
hen
applyonl
ineorsomet
hing.
..
andazi
."
"Jongajongajongasisi,
sizobonisananoMzi
noMandl athensi
buyelekuwe.Okwangoku,
ndil
ambile,
"Mzamosaysr ubbinghistummy.I
couldn'
tevensayanyt hi
ngaf t
erthathedragged
utataoutofthekit
chenandar guingwithMzamoi s
thelastt
hingiwannado.
So,theyar egoingt ohaveameet i
ngr egar ding
whet herornotishoul dgetaj ob;i
ft hat
'snot
madnesst henidon' tknow.Ican' tgot oschool
becausewecan' taffordi t;sonowiam t ryingt o
fi
ndwayst ogetmysel ftoschoolandt heyar enot
forthat.iknowyou' r
epr obabl ythink;WHYDON' T
YOUAPPLYFORNSFAS?idi d...
andmyappl ication
wasn' tsuccessf ul.Backt omeget ti
ngaj ob. ..the
moneywoul dhel poutal otandiwoul df inallyst op
askingt hem f ormoneywhenineedmymont hly
l
adyi tems.MziandMzamodonothavest ablej obs;
theyjustwor kwher ether e'smoneyandt heyar e
alwayst oget her.Mandl at hinkstheyar el iket he
coolestpai reverandhi smi ndissetonj oiningt hem
nextyearwhenhef i
nisheswi thschool .Myf ather
worksatat uck-shopownedbyapaki staniper vet.
Heisbasi callyacl eanert her eandt hatbr eaksmy
heart;butaman' sgott odowhataman' sgott odo.

Ir
ememberbackin2012;iwasingrade8t
hen..
.my
motherhadj
ustr
ecent
lypassedanddadused
everypennyhehadt ogivemom adi gnifi
edsend
off
.Heevensol dthevanheusedt otranspor t
kid
fr
om homet oschoolandbackwi th.Af terthat
fi
ndingsomet hingtangibletodobecame
harder.
..
hefoundhi msel fdoingil
legalthings,Idon't
knowwhatt hoset hingswer ebutidor ecallhavi
ng
copsinthehouseshout ingandwavi ngguns
everywhere.IrememberMziandMzamowoul dtell
meandMandl at ohideandnotcomeoutunt i
lwe
hearoneoft hem sayso.Thef i
rsttimei thappened
Mandl ahi
dwi thme, aft
ert hathewast heonet ell
ing
met ohide.

Somegi rl
sf r
om schoolsawmehuggi ngdadaf ter
hehadgi venmechi pstoshar ewithMandl a;andi
knewwhi chgi r
lsbecauset heycamet obuyi ce
l
olli
es.Theyt ol
dt hewholeofgr ade8t hatihadan
olderboyfr
iendt hatbuysmesnancksf orlunch.
Peopleobviouslyt ol
dthei
rf r
iendsinhi ghergr ades
andwi t
hin2weeksiwast het opi
conever yone's
l
ips.Meet i
ngswer ehel
dtogett othebot t
om oft hi
s;
theyaskedmet ocomewi thanadul tbutIwasn' t
aboutt oembar rassmyf atherinf rontoft hewhol e
school .IbeggedMandl at onott ellt heboysand
dad.Youknowhowi ti
swi thusbl ackpeopl e, we
li
keaddi ngspi cest oever ything;t henextt hingi
hear dwast hatiwasseenki ssingt hisolderl overof
mi ne.Itgottoapoi ntwher eIgott i
redoft hewhol e
thing,forsomet imeIwasn' tmysel f ,Ievenski pped
awhol eweekofschool ;theboyst houghtiwas
pregnant .Thenir emember edhowmamaal ways
said,"Buhle,youar enotaweakgi rl,"wheneveri felt
iwas' tcutoutf orsomet hing.Onemor ningiwoke
upanddeci dedIwasnotgoi ngt ot oleratethis
nonsenseanymor e.Igotdr essedandwentt o
school .Incl
ass, Iir
eceivedsomef unnyl ookswhi ch
mademeexecut emypl anear l
y.iaskedt obe
excused.Justabovemycl asswast hemeangi r
ls'
class...
Asiclimbedt hestairsif eltmyhear trising
tomyt hroat,
myst omachwast wi st i
ngandt ur ning
butiwasnotpr epar ednott urnbackbecauseiam
notaweakgi rl.

Thesecondiappear
edbyt
hedoort
hecl
assgot
sil
entli
kesomebodyhaddi ed.Iwenttothe
teacher
'stabl
e.Iwantedt
odoever yt
hingpoli
tel
yso
theywon'tsaydisr
espect
edanyone.
"Goodmorningma'am,
"igreet
edwi
thasmi
le
plast
eredacrossmyface.
"Nobuhle,
"shesai dwithalotofrel
iefinhervoice,
l
ikeshewashappyt oseeme." Howmayihel pyou
sisi
,"shereci
procatedthesmile.Seemedf orcedbut
i
'llt
akeitbecausei t
'sMsLanga.Shei sani ce
teacherandIwi shshehadbeenmycl assteacher
i
nst eadofthatdinasourendedupwi th.
"Uxoloma'am,mayipl
easet
alkt
oNoma,
",
Isai
d
sti
llcont
aini
ngthesmi
le.
"Al
ri
ghtmydal i.Noma,"shecal l
edouthername
Nomar aisedherhandf r
om t hebackoft heclass.
Whoi sNoma?Nomai sther ingleaderoft
hatgroup
ofmeangi rl
s.Iknowshei stheonewhost ar
tedthe
rumour,shehasneverl i
kedmeandf rankl
yIhave
neverli
kedhert oo.Shei
ssmar tshameandal so
hasahugecr ushonMandl a;Iwon'tli
esheaver y
beauti
fuldark-skinnedgirlandherski nhasno
spots.Herl
ipsar
eplumpandper fect
,herbodyi s
verytonedandatt
acti
ve.Itookitifit
akecareoft he
l
eaderi'vet
akencareofthem all
.Iwalkedupt oher.
Myhandswer eshakingandmyl egswerefai
ling
mebutiwasnotaweakgi rl,
therewasnot urning
back.
ENTRY4

"Sugardaddy",
someonei ntheclasssaid,idon't
knowwhobutt hankyoutothem becauset heygave
met hecouragetoslaptheli
vinghellouther.The
wholeclasswenthaywire.Icouldfeelmyr i
ght
handbur ni
ngfrom sl
appingher.
"Mqokel i
,"Ms.Langagr abbingmyar mf r
om the
backi nattemptt orescueNoma, Ididn'
tevengi
ve
herthechancet opullmeback.it ur
nedmy
att
ent i
onbackt oNomaandshehadapai rof
scissorsinherhands;butevent henIwasn't
fr
ightened.Ir estedmyhandsonherdeskand
l
eanedi nclosertohaveaper fectl
ookather
perfeclyperfectface,butiwantedhertolookme
st
rai
ghtintheeyeandseet
hatir
eal
lymeant
busi
ness.

"Mamel ake,sbhanxandi ni,

"(l
istenher eyoufool)
"phindanj euxokengam, uzondazi "(l
ieaboutme
againandyou' llsurelyknowme) .icl
ickedmy
tongueandbackedaway.Myj obher ewasdone.
Herf r
iendswi llalsoknownott oeverspeakl i
es
aboutme.Ipol itelythankedMsLangaf orherhelp
andwal kedoutgr acef ully.Ifeltsogoodabout
mysel f..
.i
twaswor t
hi t
.Event ual l
yMzamohear d
aboutt hewhol et hingandgoti ncontactwi t
ht he
school .Hecamef orameet i
ngandmadei tclearto
myt eacher sthatt hemaniwasseenwi thwasour
father.Heyel l
edatmef orfightingatschooland
thenboughtmechocol atef ortakingcareofmy
businessandal soleftmeconf used.

"
Buhl
e,"t
hatmustbeMzamo.Imethimint
helivi
ng-
r
oom andonceagaint
hewholepacki
sher
e.Ihope
t
heyhavenotcal
ledmetot
ellmemorebadnews.
"Sesi
thethil
eke."(
We'vet alked)hesays.Fora
secondther eIwasabi tconf usedandthenI
remember edtheysai
dt hey'ddiscusswhet herIcan
growupandgetaj oblikeot herkidsorjustbea
housewife."Wewewi lllookf orthejobforyou, i
t
hastobesomewher esaf e.Aphosizofi
keleleka
kuwel ul
a."(Wherewe'llreachyoueasi l
y)Hei snot
seri
ous,theyarenotser ious.Iknowt hi
swas
Mzamo' sidea.
"Thankyou,buticanfindajobmysel
f,ndi
mdala
bhuti
,"(
I'
m oldenough)isai
dtryi
ngtosoundpol
ite;
Iwasal i
tt
lepissedbecauseIknewexaclt
ywhat
washappeningher e.
"Ungakhathazeki
,
"(Don'
tworry)hesai
dandleaned
backont hecouch."Wewillf
indyousomethi
ng.It
won'tbefarfrom homeandinasafearea"he
added.Theonl yt
hingworryi
ngmeher ei
sthat
Mzamoi st r
yingtocont
rolmeandit'
sbeenli
kethis
mamadi edandhat eit
.Heseemst obetheri
ng
l
eaderher e.
"
Butl
ikeisai
dbhuti,
icandoitmysel
f.Canyoulet
megr
owup, "Isai
d.itr
iedt
ocont
rolmybreathi
ng
becausemyvoi
cewasget
ti
ngalit
tl
eaggressi
ve
andMmzamocanbeveryroughatti
mes;especi
all
y
wit
hme.
"
Nobuhl
e,wewon'tar
gueaboutt
his.Eit
heryoutake
i
torl
eavei
t"hi
stonegotf
ir
merandhi seyeswider.
..
"Tat
a"(Dad)Ilookedathi
m hopi
nghe'
dsay
somethingthatwouldputMzamooffhi
shi
ghhor
se.
"Weallthi
nkthatisagreati
deababygi r
l,
"hesays.
Saveme. .
.icl
ikedmytongueandlit
erall
yflewt
othe
ki
tchen.Mzamowasbehi ndme,icouldfeel
catchi
ngupt ome.Hegotahol dofmyhandand
aggressi
velypull
edmet owar
dshim.
"Ngubanlo'
oyitangayakhoaphaendli
nil
ento
uzogezakanje,
"heshouted.Il
ookedaway.
"Ndi
jongexandithet
hanaweNobuhle,
"(Lookatme
whenIspeak)
"Mzamondi yeke,uyandi
li
maza",Mzianddadwere
herealr
eadytryingtogethim awayf
rom me.They
allknowthemonst erhebecomeswhenhei smad.
I'
veseenitonet oomanyt i
mes.
Hecal
meddown.
"Uzokhabekawena"(You'
llgethur
t)hesays
rel
easinghimselff
rom t
hehandsthatrest
rai
ned
himfrom gett
ingtome.
"What everMzi ,
"isai dandt hatwast hebiggest
mi stakeofmyl ife.BI GGESTIt ellyou.Wwi t
hspeed
hewal kedupt omeandt henextt hingIwasont he
fl
oort ryingtomakesenseofever ything.Dadwas
nextt omet r
yingt ogetmet ost and, Mzi held
Mzamoagai nstt hewal lchoki nghi m,Mandl awas
tr
yi ngt ogetMziawayf rom Mzamo.I twasa
chaos. ..
andt hisf olks;thisbecamemyl if
eaf t
er
mamadi ed.Mzamoj ustbecameamonst er
,him
andi nevergotal ongl i
kewedi daf termama' sdeath.
Ever ythingwasj ustmessedup.AndMzamowas
best frend...
sowhenmamadi ed-Idi dn'tonlylosea
mot herbutal soabr otherandaf riend.Whenhe
star tsact i
ngl i
ket hi
sij ustprayt hathedoesn' tki
ll
me.He' sshor ttemper edandsensi t
iveandhe
scar esmewhenheget slikethi s.
Aft
erthatepisodei hadtotakeanap.Hehi tmeso
hardmynosest ar
tedbleeding.Theboystookit
uponthemsel vest
ocookt onight.IknowMzi can
cookanddad. ..
asfortheothertwo;wesurvive.Isat
upstr
aightandmyheadwaspoundi ng.Mziwalked
i
nandswi tchedont heli
ght.
"
Uhlel
i"(
Areyouawake)heaskedsof
tl
y."
supperi
s
r
eady"
.
"
OkI
'
llbet
her
e"

Itist woo' cl
ocki nt hemorni ngandIam wi deawake.
Iam wor riedaboutMzamo, dadchasedhi m out
ear l
ieronandhewasn' tt
her eforsupper,Ihopehe'
s
saf e.I'
mi nt hekitchenboilingwat erforcoff
eethen
I'
llwat chwhat everison.Forme;wat chingTVhas
neverbeenact uallywatchingTV, Ijustseem to
thinkbet terwhent here'
snoi se.Thefrontdoor
opened, Iwat chedwhowasabout towalkinandit
wasMzamo.Thankheavens.Hel ookedatmeand
hisgazehel dnot racesympat hy.
"
Ulambi
le,
"(Ar
eyouhungr
y)Iaskedt
aki
ngasi
pof
mycof
fee.
"Umnqunduwokut
ya"(
F**kf
ood)hesaid.Ok,
itook
aproperl
ookandhi
m andir
eali
sedthathewas
drunkandMzamodoesnotdri
nk.Heonlysmokes
weed.Somethi
ngi
snotri
ght
.
"
Got
obedMzamo"
"Haveyoueverlovedsomeonesomuchbutst il
l
hatethem,t
hatishowifeelaboutyou"Hetooka
fewstepscl
oser.IwasconfusedbutIknew
somet hi
ngwasn'tokwit
hhim.
"
Ndenzenikant
iMz.
..
"(whatdi
dido)
"Youkil
ledmamaNobuhl e.You.
..
you"het
ook
anotherstepcl
oser.Hel
ookedatmedeadinthe
eyes.Hewasn'tjoki
ng.
ENTRY5

DoyouknowwhatIhate?Thef actt
hatwhenyou
areintr
oubl
e;i
nst
eadofcall
ingforhel
p;youjust
fr
eezeandgowiththef
low.Icanneverexpl
ainwhy
I’
m notcal
li
ngf
orhelpr
ightnow;especi
all
y
knowi
ngMzamo’
stemperandwhathe’
scapabl
eof
.
“Mzamo,got
obed.Youaredr
unk,
you’
reamess
andyousmel
lbad.
”Isai
d.
“Youkill
edmamaBuhl e,youkill
edher,i
twasyour
faul
t,”hi
seyesstart
edt eari
ngandIl i
ter
all
ystar
ted
feel
ingsosorryforhim.He’ sismybrotherandI
don’tli
keitwhenhehur ts.Ipl
acedthecupofcof f
ee
ontheki t
chencounterandt ookhishand.
“Bhuti
,wewereintownwithherandt her
ewasa
shootout
.Rememberyoual sogotshotont he
stomachthatday;youwer
et here”WhatI’
m hear
ing
from Mzamohurtsmeactually.Obvi
ousl
yhehas
beendyingtosaythis.
“Ubawawungatshongoukubamasi phindele
ngeyi
saphil
angoku”.Thathithome.Ilefthi
mi nthe
kit
chen.Ihavet
otakeamomentt oreplaythatday
i
nmyhead…andhe’ sdr unksohepr obablywon’t
rememberanythi
nginthemor ning.
Iheadedtomyroom.Thel ight
saresti
llonfrom
whenIwokeupearli
er.Ifl
ickedtheswitchturni
ng
theli
ght
soff
.Theli
ghtfrom themooni sgivingme
abi toflightsoIam abl etowal ktobedwi t
hout
wor ryi
ngaboutt ri
ppi
ngandf al
li
ng.Nowi tallmakes
sense, whyMzamobecameacompl et el
ydifferent
per sonaf t
ermamapassed.Ok!Ist il
lremembert he
clearlyli
kei twasyesterday.ItwasaSat urday
afternoon, Ineededtradit
ionalbeadsf orthe
her i
tageconcer tatschoolandMzamoneedednew
sneaker s.MzamoandIwer emeantt ogot oget her
butmom i nsistedoncomi ngwi thsoshecoul dbuy
extrathingsf orthehouse.Weboughtever ything
butt hebeadsandwer ealreadyneart hetaxirank.I
beggedmamat ogobackbutshesai dshe’ dbor r
ow
from oneoft heneighborsandIdi dn’tacceptt hat,I
want edt ohavebeadsofmyownl ikeever yother
girlinmyhomet ownandmamapr omi sedt oget
them f orme.Wewentbackt opurchaset hebeads;
wegott hem;t henweheadedbackt ot hetaxirank.
Thenitstar
ted;outofnowher epeoplestart
ed
scr
eami ngandr unni
ng.Iheardmul t
ipl
egunshot s
andIhavenevereverhear dgunshotsbef or
e–onl y
onTV.Mamahadbeenhol dingmyhandt hroughout,
Mzamogotahol dofmyot herhandandr anfaster
draggingmamaandmysel fcausi
ngustorunfast
er
andfindcover
age.If
eltmama’shandlooseni
ng;I
l
ookedbackonlytoseemamaf al
li
ngt
ot hegr
ound.
“Mama,”Icriedrunningtoherai d.“Mzamo,
umama” .Iremembercr yinghopel essl
y;Ithoughtif
Icri
edveryloudt hentheshoot i
ngwoul dstopand
mamawoul dbehel ped.Whil
est il
lcryi
ngf orhelp,
someonel i
teral
lysnatchedmeawayf rom mama’ s
bodyandr anwithme.Ionl ysawt hati
twasMzamo
whenwehadent er
edaPepst orenearby.Whenhe
hadputmedownIsawt hebloodonhi sshi rtandI
thoughti
twasmi ne.
“Ndi
li
mele?”(
Am IHur
t?)Iaskedshaki
ng
uncont
rol
labl
y.
“
Hayi
…ndi
m”hesai
dpant
ing.
“
Mzamoumama,
”
“Funekasi
hlal
’
aphaokwangokuuyeva”hesays
taki
ngaseatont hef
loorcar
efultonothurthi
msel
f.
Hisbreat
hingbecamecalcul
atedandwasf oll
owed
bygroani
ngs.IwasscaredbutIhadt obeabiggir
l
forMzamo.Mzamowashospi tal
izedf
orthree
weeks;whenhecamebackhewasnotthesame.
Hecouldn’
tevenat
tendmama’
sfuner
al.

Idon’ tknowwhatt odoaboutMzamo, wehaven’ t

talkedaboutl astni ght .Hehasbeenavoi dingme
andsohaveI .IfIcoul dIwoul dwr i
tet osi s'
Dol l
y
now.OkIwoul dneverdot hat ."Hel l
osi s'
Dol ly..
my
brot herhasbeenbl ami ngmef orourmot her '
sdeat h
andhehast riedt ohur tmesever alti
mes" .That
evenmakesmyal teregodi eofl aught er.It'
s
Sundayt odaysoal l youseei schi l
drenandwomen
dressedni ce, carr yingt heirbi blesgoi ngchur ch.
Nei ghbor spl ayingRebeccawher east hroughoutt he
weekt heygotdr unkandsi nnedl i
keitwasa
trend...butint hisf ami l
y,myf ami l
yaSundayi sjust
l
ikeanyot herday.Dadi satwor k.Mandl awentt o
seehi sgi r
lf
riend, Mzii st alkingt oPal esaont he
phoneandMzamoi si nhi sr oom l i
steningt oBob
Mar ley, smoki ngpot-andme. .
.I'
m her eint he
sitti
ngr oom st aringatMzismi li
ngf rom eart oear
talkingt ohisgi r
lfriendPal esa.Hesomet i
mes
sneaksheri ntot hehouseandt heboysal lthinkI
don'tknowbutIknowbecauseonedayIhada
real
lybaddr eam andMandl ahadsleptwi tht hem
whenIwentt othei
rroom Inoti
cedthatMzamoand
Mandl awer esleepinginthesit
ti
ngr oom soIwent
tocheckwhatwasgoi ngonandt hereshewasi n
hisarms.SameweekIwentt odri
nkwat eratni ght
andMzamowasont hecouchIwentt ocheck.She
wast heresowheneverMzamoi sont hecouch
Palesaisar ound.Shesneaksoutear lyi
nt he
mor ni
ng.Idon' tIdon'tknowwhyt heycan' tjusttell
met hatthere'sagirlthatkeepscomi ngher e.
Well..
.IguessIunder stand.
"PALESABABE. ..
ICAN'TNAMHLANJE. ..
MYLI TTLE
SISTERISSICK"hesai d.Thi
sPal
esagirlImust
meet;proper
ly.Ionl
yknowherwhenshe' sasleep..
.I
wanttoproperlymeetthegir
lwho'
sresponsiblefor
plant
ingsuchhappinessinmybrotherandthank
her.
"OKI
FMANDLACOMESBACKEARLYI
'
LLCALL
YOUANDWE'
LLMEETUP".
..
"YOURETHEBEST..
.LOVEYOUTOOBABE"
.He
shovedt
hephonebackint
ohi
spocket
.
"
Bhut
i"Isai
d.
"NoNobuhl e.
.wewillnottalkaboutthis
conversat
ionIjusthadwi thmygi r
lf
riend"hesaid
andsmi l
ed.Ohmygosh!Thi sguyisinlove.Iknow
thi
slook..
.I
'veseenitbeforeandit’
spr i
celess.
..
and
speci
al.
"
Haibobendi
zocel
'
undiphathel
eamanziqha”(
Iwas
j
ustgoi
ngtoaskforwater)Isai
dteasi
ngl
y.
“Ayeza"hestoodt
ogot otheki
tchen.Hecame
backwi thagl
assofwaterandhandeditt
ome.He
wasst i
llsmi
li
ngfr
om eartoear
, t
histi
mehesat
nexttome.
"Youwannatalkaboutit
?"heaskedwi
thasmi
rk
plast
eredacr
osshisface.
"
No..
.Imean…yeah.
..
butawuf
ununj
ena"(
Youdon’
t
wantto)Isai
d.
"
Wow...
alr
ight
"hesaid.OhmanIcan'thel
pit
,Iwant
t
otal
kaboutit;Ihavesomanyquest
ions.
"
Youloveher
"thequest
ionl
it
eral
lyr
oll
edoutofmy
mout
h.Helaughed.
"Toomuchsi siyhoo!
!”hepaused."
Iloveher"he
added.Iknowwher eI'veseent
hatlook.
"But
ndiyoyi
ka,
"(ButI’
m scared)hesai
d.
"
Why"Iasked.
"Because..
.whatifshedoesn'
tfeelt
hesameway?I
mean, Idon'twanttojumptoconclusi
onsher
e"he
says.
"Wel
lbhut
i.
..t
here'
sonlyonewayt
ofi
nd
out
..
.mxel
ele"
(tel
lher
)Isaid.
"Ican't
...
whatifshe'sj ustnott
hatintome
Nobuhl e..
.l
ike.
..
mhl elowanaandIdon' thavemoney
oranything, l
it
eral
ly"(
she’sbeauti
ful)hesai d.Icoul
d
tel
lhewaspani cki
ngandIcoul dalsot ellt
hathe
reall
ylovedherbuthewasscar edofr ejecti
on.
“
Issher
ich?
”
“
Nobutshe’
snotpoor
,”
“Mzi
,i
fshelovesyout
henwhatyouhavewon’
tor
don’
twon’
tmat t
er,
”
Hewassi
lentf
orasecond,
taki
ngi
nwhatI
’
vej
ust
sai
d.
“She’
sbeenher
eyouknow,
”hesaysbr
eaki
ngt
he
sil
ence.
“Iknow”hel
ookedatmewideeyed.“I
’veseenher,
whenMzamoi sonthecouchthenshe’saround.
Sheleavesi
ntheear
lyhoursofthemorning;bef
ore
Iorutat
awakesup.”
LaterthatdayMzamowentoutandcamebackwi t
h
achocol ateslab.Icoul
dnotunder st
andwhathe
meantbutt hat.Washeapol ogi
zingorwhat ?He
andIst i
llneedt otal
kaboutwhathesai dbecauseit
clearl
ycamef rom ahurt
inghear t
.ImeanIwas
twelveyear soldIdidn’
tunderstandanything.Ij
ust
want edbeadsf ormyconcertatschool.Mzamo
needshel p–psychol ogicalhel
p.Urgently!
[
01/
05,
13:
28] :CHAPTER2
ENTRY6
There’
snowat ersoIhavetogotot heri
vertof et
ch
somewat erandtheri
verisli
keontheot herside.
It
’snotfar
;butiti
swhenyou’ r
ealone.Iaskedt he
boystogoandf etchi
tbuttheywerenotpr epared
towakeupandIneedt oclean,bathandcook.
Whenmamawasst i
llal
iveweusedt ogot ogether
;
we’dmakeast opbyt heshopandbuychi psand
sweetsorfruit
sandsweet s.Itneverchanged.
Suddenlyaflashyandf ancycarcomest oast op
ri
ghtbesideme, Idon’tknowanyonewi ththatkind
ofcarsoIwassur enotgoi ngtostop.
Whent hedrivernoticedIwasn’tpayinghi m
att
enti
onhedr oveforwardandt hendr oveslow
whenhewasbesi deme.Thebackseatpassenger ’s
windowwi ndeddown, butmyat tenti
onwasont he
dri
ver’
swindow…t hi
sper sonobviouslyhas
somethingtosay.IhopeI ’
m notbeing
ki
dnapped…anyonewhoknowsmybr otherwil
l
knownott otouchme.Orki dnapmet hatmat t
er.
Thecarwental it
tl
ef or
war dmaki ngthebackseat
windowdirectlybesideme.
“Molo,
”sai
dtheguyinthebackseat
.Whatis
happeni
ng?Kidnapper
sdon’tgr
eet,
ordothey
nowadays?
“Molo,
”Isai
dwi t
haver ypolit
etone.Whoist
hisguy?
He’
sbeingdrivenaroundlikeaprince,
and…i
sthata
l
aptop.Ohyes;it
’salaptop.Hemustber i
ch.
“
Ar eyougoi
ngtogetwater
,”heasks.Hmmm does
i
tlookli
keI’
m goi
nggrocer
yshoppingtoyour
ich
l
ookingboy.
“
Yes,
”Thi
sisnotaki
dnap.
“
Allal
one,
”
“bhut
indingakunceda…,”(
mayIhel pyou)Isai
d,the
wordsfelloutf
asterandsharplyt
histi
mear ound
becausehewaswast i
ngmyt ime.Andprobably
l
osingsomemoney, helooksli
kethe‘t
imeis
money’typeofguy.
“I
’
m sorry,
Imustirr
it
ati
ngyouwi t
hallthese
questi
ons,
”heapologi
zed.Okthat’
snice.“Ij
ust
wantedtocomewi t
hyou,ift
hat’
sokaywi thyou.I
washeadingther
emyself,
”Igri
maced.
“So,wenaxausi yokhaamanzi uqhut
ywangemot o
uphathenel apt
opyakho, ”( Whenyou’regoingtoget
water,yougetdr ivenandbr i
ngyourlapt
op)Iasked
andwai tedfortheanswer .Isowantedtohearwhat
hewasgoi ngtosay.Heopenedhi smouthi n
att
emptt ospeak, butnowor dcameout .“Okbye
byebhut indini
,
”Icont inuedwi t
hmyj ourney.
Hewasjustaboytryi
nghisluck.Iam sur
etheski
rt
heseeshewil
lst
opandt al
kt o.Butf
ancycarsdon’
t
moveme…theyneverhave.
OnmywaybackhomeIsawt hesamecarandt hi
s
guywasst andi
ngout si
dethecarthistime.Ihope
he’
snotwai t
ingforme.Icamet ostop,i
staki
ngt he
l
ongwayhomewor t
hi torshouldIjustgi
vethisguy
apieceofmymi nd.That ’
sifIcanlocateit
.WhileI
wasstil
lcontemplat
inghewavedatmeandf rom
hi
sdemeanorIcoul dhewaski ndofexcit
ed.
“
Youneedhel
p,”hesai
dasIgotcl
oser
.
“No,
thankyoubhut
indi
ri
ght
,”Isai
dwalki
ngri
ght
past
.Hefoll
owedme.Wowhei stal
l.Hei
sver
ytal
l.
“St
opcall
ingmebhuti,
”hesayswit
hasmirk.Her
an
andst
oodi nf
rom oft
hewheelbar
rowbri
ngingme
toast
op.Whyt hehel
lwashesmili
ngandwhyis
myheartbeat
ingsofast?
“bhuti
,guy,dude…whoeveryouare,Ineedtogomy
brotherareprobablygett
ingwor
ri
edI’vebeengone
forawhi l
enow, ”Isay.
“
Okl
etmehel
pyou,
”hesai
dandwal
kedovert
o
t
akeovert
hewheel
bar
row.
“
Mybr
other
sar
e…”
“f
orgetaboutyourbr
othersforasecond,
let
’sgo,
”
hecutmeshor tandstar
tedpushingsoIfol
lowed.
Aft
erallt
hat’
smywat erhe’spushing.
“
Andyourf
ancycar
,”Ipoi
ntedbackatt
hecar
.
“I
t’
snotmine,
it’
smyf
ather
’sandmydr
iverwi
llt
ake
careofi
t,
”
“
Sot
hedr
iveri
syour
s,”
“t
hedr
iveri
smi
ne,
allmi
ne,
”hesai
dandbot
h
gi
ggl
ed.
“
Isee,
”
“
Unj
ani
”(
howar
eyou)heasks.
“l
et’
ssee;Ineedtobath,ndi
lambi
le.Ever
ythi
ng…,”
agai
n, wor
dsjustf
alloutofmytonguewi t
houteven
warningme.Helaughed,Ihadtol
aught oo.
“Well,Iam doi
ngver
ywell
.Iat
e;Ishower
ed
so…yeah,”Heshowers.Wow…no‘shower
s’i
nthi
s
place.Webat h.
“Veryfunny,
”Isaidlookingupathimtojustsat
isf
y
myeyes.Iam wonder i
ngwhot hi
sguyis…didwego
toschooltogethermaybe?“ Hmm,that
’smyhouse;
ndicel
aujikeaphabeforeoneofmybr othersee
you”.
“Iwil
lrespectt
hatnkosazane.CanIatl
eastget
yournumber ,
”heputthewheelbarr
owdownand
facedme.NowIhaveaf ullvi
ewofhisf
aceand
physique.Heisacatch.
“Tel
lyouwhat?Ifweevermeetagai
nIwil
lgi
veyou
mynumber ”,
Isaidt
aki
ngoverthewheel
barr
ow.I
star
tedpushi
ngforwar
d.“Byebye”
“Ok,thankyou, ”hesaid.ittookaboutasecondt o
stopst aringatmeandwal kback.Icoul dfeelhi
m
standingont hesamespotl ookingatme.Iam
actuall
ysur pr
isedathowni ceIwast ohim.The
boysi nt hisplace;Idon’tevengi vethem asecond
ofmyt ime.That ’swhyIdeci dedIwanttomar rya
zuluhunk.
“Fi
nall
y,ni
vuki
le,
”(youar
eup)Isai
dIent
eredt
he
house.
“
Ngubanil
oubuhambanaye,
”(Whower
eyou
wal
kingwi
th)
-Mandl
a
“
Shewaswal
kingwi
thsomeone,
”-
Mzi
“
Yeah,
ndi
mbonendi
yochama,
”-
Mandl
a
“
Justoneoft
hosewet
hu,
Idon’
tevenknowhi
m”-
me
Mzamowal
kedi
nfr
om t
heki
tchen.
“
Whowast
hatguy?
”heaskedt
oo.
“Oneofthosewet hu,”MziandMandl asaid
simult
aneously.Mzamosmi r
kedandwal kedout .I
wonderhowt hey’dreacti
fIactuallygotaboyfri
end.
Itookabathandt henwentbackt ot heri
verforone
mor er
ound.Ok, Iwon’tl
ieIwaski ndofhopingto
seehim…theni celooki
ngandni cesmelli
ngguy
[
01/
05,
13:
30] :ENTRY6
By20: 00Iwasf
ini
shingupwi tht
hedishesthenI
’d
haveanear l
yni
ght.Ihear
danunf amil
iarvoi
cein
theli
ving-
room,
mustbeaf r
iendoftheboysora
neighbor.
“
Nobuhl
e,
”dadcal
led.
“Ewetata”,usuallywhenmydadcal l
sIjumpt he
ti
mehecal l
smyname.Myeyesgr ewwi derasIgot
i
ntothel i
ving-r
oom; myhandsar estil
ldrippi
ng
waterIam t r
yingtobreathe.Whatt hehel li
she
doinghere?Ilookedatt ataandhewasl ookingat
him.Ilookedatt heboysandt heyareallstari
ngat
him,atleastMandl aissmi l
ing.Mzamohasa
deadlylooksot hisboyisnotsaf e.
“
Youhaveavi
sit
or,
”dadsays.Wel
lduuuhol
dman.
“Hel
lo…again,
”hesays.I
t’
stheboyImetearl
ier
.The
tal
lboy;theni
ce-l
ooki
ngandverygoodsmell
ing
guywithadr i
verandafancycart
hatbel
ongstohis
fat
her.Yes…him.
“Again,
”Mandlaechoeshim andl
ooksatme.“ Oh,
yil
angqawa,
”(It
’st
hatguy)Mandlajustkeeps
tal
kingandwishIcouldshovesomethingdownhis
thr
oat.
“Hell
o,”Isai
dstar
ingathi
m st
rai
ghteyes.Whythe
hellwouldthi
sboycomehere?Ididn’
tevenshow
him whichonewasmyhouse.
“Unjani,
”(Howareyou)heasks.Thisguy’
s;i
fhe
keepssmi li
ngl
iket
hathe,hewillgetawaywit
h
anything.
“Iam fi
ne,thankyou.Kut heniul apha,
”(Whyar eyou
here)am Irudef oraskingthatquest i
on.Ididn’
t
i
nvitehim;inf actIdidn’
tthinkI’dseehim again.For
mehewasl i
terall
yjustaboyt ryinghisluckandI
thoughthewasver ynicesoIgavehi mt hebenefit
ofthedoubt .Nowhei shere,insidemyf ather
’s
house,withf atheri
nside…andmybr others.Send
help.Now!!
“Youdroppedyourphone,
soIt
houghtIshoul
d
bri
ngitbackforyou,
”
“Oh.Idi d…thankyou,”Iforcedasmi l
e.Idon’
tcare
aboutt hatphone, nowonderIdi dn’
tnoti
ceitwasn’
t
there.Webl ackpeoplecal
lin‘udontont
o’or
‘
util
hilhi’becauseofthewayi tri
ngs.It’
soneof
thoseNoki asthatcostaboutR100atPEP.
“
Mandi
beyi
ndl
elake,
”(Letmegetgoi
ng)hest
ood.
“Jah,i
t’
sget
ti
nglat
eand…l
etmewal kyouout,
”why
am Istammeri
ng.Myhear
tisbeat
ingoutofcont
rol
agai
n.
“
Alri
ghtnyana,
”myf at
hersai
dhi
sgoodbye.Mandl
a
wavedpoli
tel
y.MziandMzamowerenotaboutthi
s
l
ie.
Li
keamanwouldinthemovies–heopenedt
he
doorf
ormeandthenfol
lowedbehi
ndme.
“Uphambene,”(Areyoucr
azy)Ihi
thi
mrepeat
edly
ontheshouldertheminut
ethedoorwascomplet
ely
shut.
“Ouch!
”hecri
ed.Hesmil
edagai
n,“Rel
ax…youneed
tocomedownsisi”
.Thi
sboyistel
li
ngmetocalm
down.I.
..
Nobuhl
eMqokeli
.Al
ri
ght.
“Don’tt
ellmet orelax.Bhut
indini,awundazinam
andikwazi.Whatgi vesyoutherighttocomet omy
houseatt histi
me…unasonesi bindisokuhlal
a
phantsiuthethenot at
ewam” ,(
Youdon’ tknowme
andIdon’ tknowyouei t
her
…youevenhavet heguts
tositdownandt alktomyfather)Ibetveinswere
poppingoutofmyneckasIwasyel li
ngathim.His
demeanorwentf rom sil
lyt
oseriousinamat terof
seconds.
“Yhoo,
Uxolo…Ij
ustwantedtoconf
irmifyoureal
ly
l
ivedhere,
withyourbrot
her
s,”hel
if
tedhishands
abovehisshoul
derstoshowremorse.
“
Didyoustealmyphone,
”Iaskedt
ryi
ngt
ocompose
myanger
“No,youarereall
ydr
oppedi
t.Isawi
tonmyway
backtothecar,”
“
Whydi
dn’
tyoubr
ingi
tear
li
er?
”
“Hmm, doIlookl
iket
heladyi
nthel
ostandf
ound
off
ice?Ihadthi
ngstodo,
”
“
Likewhat?
”Iasked.Ir
eall
ywantedtoheart
his.
Whatdoesaguywhoget sdri
venarounddofora
l
ivi
ng?Hegiggl
edandlookedaway.
“Woul
dn’tyouliketoknow,awusemhl e,
”(Youar eso
beaut
if
ul)hejustsaidIam beaut i
fuli
nthemi ddleof
thi
sheatedconversati
onwe’ r
ehavi ng.I
st hiswhat
hedoesonadai l
ybasis?Approachgi rl
sandt hen
cometot hei
rhomesatni ghtandt hensmi lefrom
ti
metotimet ogetawaywi ththings?Wel l
,hemust
thi
nkagain…thatgorgeoussmi l
eisnotgoi ngt o
workonme.
“
Gohomedude,
”Isai
dsqui
nti
ngmyeyes.
“Yousaidthesecondt imeyouseemeyouwi llgi
ve
meyournumber ,”het ookoutapocketsize
notebookwit
hapenat t
achedtoitfr
om hisback
pocket.Heopenedt oacl eanpage;hel
ookedatme
readytoscri
bbl
e.Whowal ksar
oundwitha
notebook?Whoist hisguy?
“
No,
gohome.Don’
tcomebackher
e,”
“
Ok…goodni
ghtsi
si”
“
Goodni
ghtbhut
i,
”hewal
kedaway.
MightyGod, whatwast hat.
..
howwi l
lIexpl
aint
his
tomyf atherandbrothers?Iwatchedhiscardr
ive
offunti
ltheli
ghtsdisappeared.
Iwal
kedi
n,shutt
hedoorbehi
ndmeandbr
eat
hed
out
.
“
Hel
ooksl
ikeani
ceboy,
”myf
athersays.
“Hei
snott
ata…Idon’
tevenknowhi
m.I
’
m sor
ryt
hat
hecameher
eatthist
ime,”
“
Buhle,youjustf
ini
shedyourmatr
ic.Li
vea
l
it
tl
e…takeiteasyonhim.He’
sjustaboywho
cl
ear
lyseessomet
hingi
nyou,
”daddef
endedhi
m.
Myfatheri
sdef
endi
ngthi
sboy…
“
Tat
a…no,
”Isai
d.
“Ngubaniomnikeinvumeyokuzaaphangeli
xesha,
”
–Mzamo.IknewMzamowasn’ tgoi
ngtoletthi
s
onepassunnot i
ced.Hei
sgoingtogivemet he
hardestt
ime.
“
Andi
mazibhut
i…honest
ly,
andi
mazi
”(Idon’
tknow)
“RelaxMzamobr a,uNobuhl
emdalangoku…Iam
actuall
ygladIguycamehereforyou.Ihadalr
eady
concludedyouwerelesbi
an,
”saidMandla.Thi
s
clown…
“
Idon’
tli
kehi
m,”Idef
endedmysel
f.
“Youclear
lydo…j
ustenj
oythi
swholeboyandgi
rl
crushi
ngthingsi
swam,”sai
dMzi.
“
Okay,Opr
ah.”Iwenti
ntot
heki
tchent
ofi
nishup
wit
hthedi
shes.
“
What
’shi
sname,
”oneoft
hem asked.
“
Andi
mazi
,
”(Idon’
tknow)
[
01/
05,
13:
30] :ENTRY8
“Nobuhle,
vuka.
”IopenedmyeyestofindMandla
seatedonmybed.IrememberIwokeup, prepar
ed
fordadandtheboysandthenf
ellbackasleep.
“Mandla,kut
heniulapha.Ii
zikol
oziyavul
wa
namhlanje,
”(Whyar eyouher e,
schoolsare
resumingtoday)Isaidsit
ti
ngupst rai
ght.
“I
t’
sonlythefi
rstdayIwon’tmissanythi
ng.We
needtogoandgetwat er
,ther
e’ssti
llnowater
aroundhere,
”hesays.
Isti
llr
ememberwheni twasmyf i
rstdayinmatri
c,I
wassoexcitedtobeamat ri
culantbecausethenI
knewIwasj ustayearawayfrom being
superwomanandget t
ingmyZul uhunk.Now;Zulu
hunkdolol
o,superwoman,dololo!
“Pl
easegoalone.Ndiyozela,
”(I
’m sl
eepy)Ibegged
him.Ir
eal
lydon’twanttoleavethebed.But ;there’
s
nosayi
ngnot oMandl a.Igotup,gotdressedand
weheadedout.Honest l
y,somethingneedst obe
doneaboutt
hiswaterscar ci
tybecausegoingal lthe
waytotheothersi
det ofetchwaterisnotwor king
out
.Itwor
kedoutwhenmamawasst
il
lar
ound.

Ihel
pedhim putt
hebucketsi
nt hewheel
barr
ow,
obvi
ousl
yhei spushi
ng.Iam j
ustaccompanyi
ng
hi
m.
“Haveyouhadanyt
hingt
oeat
,”Iaskedhi
m aswe
headedbackhome.
“
Yeah,
Ihadt
hepor
ri
dgeyoumadeekuseni
,
”
“Therei slit
eral
lynot hingelseinthehouse.Andazi
sizotyant oniemal anga.Hopef ull
yooMzibazobuya
nokut ya.”(Idon’tknowwhatwe’ regoingeatinthe
evening.Hopef ull
yMziandMzamocomebackwi th
somet hi
ng)Thi ngsar eget t
ingti
ghterandti
ghterat
homeandIhat et hef actthatIcan’tdoanyt
hingto
help.Wel l,i
t’
snotl ikeIcan’thelpbutIhavetowai t
tobet ol
dt ohelp.Speaki ngofhelping,wehave
neveragai nt al
kedaboutmeget ti
ngaj obandI
haven’ tactuall
yconf rontedMzamoaboutwhathe
saidt hatday.
“
Molweni”
,aheavi
ngvoi
cesaidfr
om behi
ndus.I
l
ookedbackandmyheartst
art
edbeati
ngfast
.It
’s
hi
m agai
n.
“
Sho,
”Mandl
agr
eet
edagai
n.
“
Ninj
ani
,
”heshookMandl
a’shand.
“
Sigr
andsi
grand,
”-Mandl
a.
“
Niyakhawuleza,
kuninindi
nil
eqa.
”(Youar
ewal
king
t
oofast;I
’vebeentr
yingtocatchup)
“Sorrybafo,”sai
dMandl a.Thoughthisguyi s
tal
kingt oMandlahiseyesar eonmeandhei s
maki ngmesuperuncomf ortabl
e.Anotherthi
ngthat
i
smaki ngmesuperandoutoft hisworld
uncomf ortabl
eisthefactthatwhenImethi m
yesterdayIwaswear i
ngt hesamedr essI’m
wear i
ngr i
ghtnow.Buryme.
“Ok,I
’m donewithmyj
oganyway,
”hesays…who
j
ogsi nt
hisplace.“
Howaboutwegetsomethi
ngt
o
eat,
maybei kot
a,”
“Wear
efi
nethankyou,
”Isai
dbendi
ngt
ogetahol
d
oft
hewheel
barr
ow.
“
Masiyebaf
o,myekel
o,”(
let
’sgo,godon’
tmi
ndher
)
Mandl
asaystot
all
ygoi
ngagainstme.
“Butonlyononecondi t
ion,
”hewaveshi sri
ght
i
ndexf inger.“
akotainexchangeofyoursist
er,
”
Mandl a’sexpressi
onwascontemptuous.He
sneeredathi m.
“I
nexchange, saniuphambene, uyagul
a?”(Areyou
crazy,areyousi ck?)hegotcl
osertohimreadyto
puncht heri
chandcut eoutofhim.Ihopehedidn’
t
meanwhatIal sot hi
nkhemeansbecausei t’
l
lbethe
l
astt hi
nghet hinksof .
“
Mandl
a…”It
ri
edt
ogethi
sat
tent
ion.
“Yintonngokubr a,”(What ’supbr a?)t
hemyst er
y
guyl if
tsuphi sheadandst r
aight
enshi supperbody.
Igoti nbetweent hem cr eati
ngal it
tl
ebitofspace.
Hel ookeddownatmet henbackatMandl at henhi
s
facel i
tuplikehewashavi nganepi phany.“Ooooh,
yout hinkI…nomf ethu, never.InexchangeImean
you’lll
etmet al
ktoher ,haveachatwi thher,
”he
bentdownandr estedhi shandsonhi skneesashe
l
aughedi toffMandl a.Thankheavenst hat’
swhat
hemeant .
“
Ubuzof
abr
a,”(
Youwer
egoi
ngt
odi
e)sai
dMandl
a.
“That’
snotgoi
ngtohappen.YouandIar enot
havingatal
korchatorwhatever
,”Idi
stur
bedthei
r
bromance.
“
Uzi
vel
emf
ethu,
”(Youhear
dher
…)–Mandl
a
“Ok…sinceyouwer
ewil
li
ngtohel
pmehmmm,
”he
ponderedhisnamebycl
icki
nghi
sfi
nger
s
conti
nuously
“
Mandl
a,”Mandl
arescuedhi
m andsai
dhi
sname.
“Mandl
a,yes.
..
”heechoedi
twithexci
tement
.“How
aboutwegrabsomethi
ngtoeattoget
her,
”
“
He’
sfi
ne,
”Ispokef
orMandl
a
“
Hmmm…Iam notf ine.Iam gr
abbi ngthiskot
awith
t
hisguy.”Mandlaisgoingagainstmeagai n.
Whateverhappenedtobloodisthickerthanwater
.
“Okke, hhambaninodwa, ”If
oldedmyar msagainst
mychestt oprotestagainstt
hisidea.Thisguy
pickedupt hewheelbarr
owandst ar
tedpushing,
Mandl afoll
owedhi m.NowI ’
m standinghereall
alonelookingatthem walkaway.DidMandl ajust
l
iteral
lychooseikotaoverme…hi ssister
?
WhenIgothomet heyhadal r
eadyof f-
loadedthe
bucketsandpl acedthem intheki t
chen.Gr eat
…my
brotherdi
tchedme.Igotst ar
tedwi thmychor es
thentookabat haf t
er.Iwouldcookbutt here’
s
nothingtocook.Iturnedt hetelevi
siononandl eti
t
watchmeasIt houghtaboutt hingsIhaveno
reasontothinkabouti nthefi
r stpl
ace.Mandl a
walkedin,alone,carr
yingSparpl astics…about5
plasti
csfullofgroceri
es.
“Mandl
a,”Ist
oodandfoll
owedhi mtotheki
tchen.
Myprayerwasthathedidn’
tstealt
heseormoney
anywher
ebecausethereisnootherwayhecould
havegot
tenthem.“Kanj
ani,
”(How?)
Hel
aughedt aki
ngoutf
ooditemsonebyonefrom
t
heplast
ics.Hetook2chocolat
esl
absandhanded
t
hem tome.
“Thosear eforyousi
s’
wam”hesai dandkissedmy
forehead.Helookssohappy.Het ookoutmeat ,
dif
ferentkindsofmeatfrom anotherplast
icand
thr
ewt hem ont het
able.“Cookforus…”hesays.
“
Wher
edi
dyougetal
loft
his,
”Iaskedagai
n.We
haven’
thadt
hiski
ndoff
oodi
nawhi
le.
“Yourboyf
ri
endcal
ledhi
sdr
iver
,wedrovetotown
andhedidalit
tl
eshoppi
ngf
orus,”hefi
nal
ly
calmeddownandgavemehisundivi
dedatt
enti
on.
“
Myboyf
ri
end,
”Isai
d.
“
Yes,
richboy,
”henodded.Ohno!Ihope…Ohno!
“Theguy;youallowedhi
mt obuyusfood,
Why? ”I
askedtr
yingnotshoutatthi
sstupi
dboystandi
ng
befor
emer ightnow.
“
Heof f
ered,soIthoughtwhynot?Wedoneedt he
f
ood,”hesays.Lookingathi
sathimr i
ghtnowIcan
t
ellheseesnothi
ngwr ongwitht
his.Atal
l!
“AwumazinomazilamntuMandla,
areyoukiddi
ng
me,”(Youdon’
tevenknowthatper
son)NowI ’
m
yel
li
ngathim.Hisexci
tementst
art
stoboildown.
“
RelaxNobuhleandhavesomet
hingt
oeat
.Hewas
j
usthel
pingus,”
“Wedon’tneedhi
shelp,especi
all
ysincewedon’
t
knowhim.Suddenlyyou’
reallbuddybuddywi
th
thi
sguy…”
“Areyoukiddingmerightnowsi si,youcanseehow
emptythekitcheni
s;Isawanoppor t
uni
tyandtook
i
t.Andthankst omewear egoingtohavedecent
foodforsomet i
me,”histoneincreases.
“Am Ikiddingyou, I
’
m sor rywhataboutmy
demeanorgaveyout heimpr essiont hatIam
kidding,”Isai
dexpect i
ngaqui ckresponsebut
i
nst eadhest aredatme;openedoneoft heplastics;
tookoutabagr edappl es;toreitandt ookanappl e.
Het hencl i
ckedhi stonguet henwal kedrightpast
meandsai d,
“Pheka, ”(cook).Pause…Ineedt he
wor l
dt opauser ightnow.Di dthisboyj ust
commandmet ocook?Iam nott ouchi nganything
i
nt hosepl asti
cs.Hmmmm, Iam tryingtosummon
thest r
engtht onotf oll
owMandl aandgi vehima
pieceofmymi nd.Ok, Buhlebr eathe…Mandl awi ll
comeback;you’ llgi
vehi m api eceofyourmi nd
thenbutf ornowcal m down.Idr ankawhol eglass
ofwat erbutmyhear twasst il
lburning.
And…whothehelli
sthisguycomi ngi
ntomyhome
andbuyi
nggroceri
es.Ili
ter
all
ymethim yester
day
andnowhethinksjuuuuustbecauseMandla,Mzi
andmyfatherl
ikehim hecanbuyusgr oceries.He
bet
terpr
ayIdon’tseehim agai
nbecauseIwi l
lki
ll
hi
m…andt henusehisbodyt oki
llMandla.Justyou
wait
.
[
01/
05,
13:
30] :ENTRY9
I’
vealwaysbeendi fferent.Asi def rom thef actthatI
wast heonl ygirlint hehouse;I ’vejustalwaysbeen
diff
erent.Ididn’tliket het hingst heylikedandmy
hairwaswayt oosof tandhadsomef adingcur l
s.
Mybr othersandf atherhavebl ackt hickandhar d
hairandIont heot herhand, i
t’sal mosthazelbr own,
verysof t
,thickandcur ly.Theyhavever ythick
eyebrowsandmi near ever yt hin.Mamahadt hi
ck
anddar keyebr ows.Theonl yt hingIt ookf rom her
washerf areskin.ThoughI ’
m notasyel l
owasshe
wasbutIam cer tainlynotasdar kasmyf atherand
brothers.Myf ather ’sal wayssai dIwashi sgood
l
uckchar m.Wheneverhe’ dki ssmyf oreheadand
givemehi sgol dneckl aceIknewhewasgoi ngt o
dosomet hingillegalandI ’dalwayspr ayt othegod
whom mamapr ayedt opr otecthi m.
Iknewhewassaf
ewhenIwokeupi
nhi
sbedt
he
fol
lowi ngmor ni
ng.He’ dbuymebeaut ifuldresses,
l
otsandl otsofchocol ate,bookst oreadandBar bie
doll
s.Butt hent hingschanged;ayearaf t
ermama’ s
passi ng,hest artedt akingpr ivat ephonecal l
s,my
brother swer ealsoact ingpr otect i
ve,they’dpickme
upf rom schoolandt ellMandl aoverandoveragai n
toneverl etmeoutofhi ssight .Therewasal waysa
carpar kedout sidewhenwegotbackf rom school ,
a
fancycar .I’dhearar gui ngcomi ngf r
om i nsidethe
housesoMandl awoul dmakeexcusest ogetme
outoft heyar dsowe’ dgot ot hegr aveyar dandvi sit
mamaunt iloneoft hem camet ogetus.One
mor ningMzist artedcombi ngmyhai r
, het i
editup
i
ntoacut ebun, Iattempt edtot akethecombf rom
himt opul loutthehai rbuthesai dhe’ddoi thimsel f
.
Iknewsomet hingwaswr ong.Hewai tedf ormet o
l
eavet heroom butIwassmar tenought olookback
andIsawhi m pul li
ngoutt hehai randput t
ingitin
hisbackpocketandt hencr iedaf t
erthat .
Iknewsomethingwaswr ongwi t
hme.It houghtI
wassickandthefancycarthatkeptcomi nghere
wasadoctorandtheywer earguingbecausemy
familydidn’twanttoaccept.Event uallythefancy
carstoppedcomi ng,
theystoppedf etchingmef rom
schoolandMandl astoppedkeepi nganeyeonme.
Tatar emindedmeever ychancehegott hatIwas
hisdaught erandonlyhisdaught er,“mygoodl uck
charm, i
ntyatyamboyam”( myf lower )he’ dsay.And
i
nr eturnI’
dt el
lhimthathewasmyf atherandonl y
myf ather,thathewasmyher o.
By20: 00you’ l
lfi
ndt hatwear eallinf r
ontofthe
tel
evisionwat chinggener at ions, buthal ft
hetime
I’
m alwaysr eadingsomet hingandwat chi
ngatt he
samet ime.Ri ghtnowI ’mr eadi ngamagazi ne
arti
cleonwomenandchi ldabuse.I tmakesmesi ck
whatsomemenar ecapabl eof .I’
mj ustoneofthe
fewf emalest hathavemenl ikemyf at
herand
brothersaroundt hatwi l
lalwayspr otectme.
Somet imest heyhavef ri
endscomeoverandt hey’
d
dri
nkt hewhol eni ght ,butI ’
dst i
llsleepi nmyroom
withoutawor rythatt heymi ghtgett oodrunkand
maybeaf ri
endmi ghtt akeadvant ageofme.One
call
edmesweet hear tandspankedmyasswhenI
wasgoi ngt
ot heki tchent ogetagl assofwat er.I
hadtopleadwi
thmybrother
stoforgi
vehim.Inever
sawtheguyagainandI
’veal
waysbeenaf r
aidt
o
askbecauseIf
eell
iket
heresponsewil
lchangemy
ent
ir
ebeing.
There’
saknockonthedoor
.Mandlaattendedt
oit
andIjustknewi
twashim.Richboy;hetookasi
t
nexttoMzamo.
“Ni
njaniekhaya,
”(How’sever
yonedoing)hesai
d
gent
lyplacinghi
sphoneont hetabl
e.AniPhone,
I
wonderhowmanygi r
lshavehisnumber.
“Siyaphil
asiyaphilanyana,mandi bulel
eman
ngal ant
ouyenzileyo.Usincedil
ekwedi ni,
”(Wear e
wel lson,andthankyouf orwhatyoudi dearli
er;you
reallyhelpedusboy)myf athersays.Ilookedathi m
hei sjustsmili
ngatt hi
sboy.Buhl e,babes,read
yourar ti
cleandbreatheinthepr ocess.
“Jahsure,t
hanksbafoneh”–Mzi.Mzamoheldout
hisfeastf
orandrichboycameinwit
hhis.Theyar
e
fri
endsnow;IthoughtIhadMzamo.
Richboylookedatmeandwaved,
“unj
ani
,
”(howar
e
you)heasks.
“I
’m good…I
’m sooogood,”Ir
esponded.Mandl
a
gavehim aglassofapplejui
ce;t
hathebought
becauseheisthefourt
hsonnow, thebreadwi
nner
.
Hedr anki
tupatonet i
me.
“Tata,
wit
hal lduerespect,mayIpleasespeakwi
th
yourdaughteroutside.Itwon’
ttaketi
me.”He
rubbedhishandst ogether.
“Hayi hayi
,akhongxakinyana…Buhleni
ngathet
ha
sisi,
”(Noproblem son…Buhle,youguyscantal
k)my
fatherapprovedhisrequest.
“
5mi
nut
esnt
anga,
ndi
nij
ongi
le,
”Mzamosays.
Heheldt
hedooropenforme.Asheclosed,
Ihear
d
ki
ssi
ngsoundsandIam sur
ethatwasMandla,no
oneel
seist
hatstupi
d.
Il
ookedathi
m wait
ingf
orhimtospeak;he’
sthe
onewhocall
edthi
smeeting.
“Youdon’tl
ooksohappy,
”hesayscar
essi
ngmy
cheek;Il
ookedawayandhishandi
mmediatel
yfel
l.
“Whatdoyouwant ,
from meandmyf ami
ly,
”Iasked
andhesmiled.“
Stopsmili
ng”Isai
d.
“
Idon’
twantanyt
hingf
rom yourf
ami
ly”
“
Then…”
“Look,
Ithi
nkyouareaverynicegi
rlandI’dl
iket
o
gettoknowyou.That
’sal
l…butyouarejustso
mean,”hesays.
“Andthatgi
vesyoutheri
ghtt
oshowupatmy
houseunannouncedandbuygrocer
ies,
grocer
ies,
”
“
Mypoi
ntexact
ly”
“
What
?”
“
Whyareyousomeantome,awundazinondazi
,
”
(
Youdon’
tevenknowme)hesayswit
haf i
rmtone.
“That’
sexactl
ywhyIam someantoyoubecauseI
don’tknowyou,”mytonegotf
ir
merbabyt
hisboy
doesn’tknowme.I’
veli
vedwit
hboysmywholeli
fe
andIcanhandl ehi
m.
“
Andthati
sexactl
ywhyIlikeyouBuhle,
”hecupped
myfacewit
hhishands.“
Becauseyoudon’tknow
me,
youhavenoideawhoIam.Al lt
hesegirl
sknow
meandtheywantme…butyoudon’tknowme. ”
“
We’
renotachar
it
ycase”Isayundermyvoi
ce.
“
Whichoneisi
t,ar
eyoustubbornoryouhavet
oo
muchpri
de,
”helet
shishandsfall
.Thewaythi
sboy
i
sspeaki
ngtomeisunacceptabl
e.
“
Bot
h.”Isaywi
thanat
ti
tudeal
lovermyf
ace.
Hel
ookedawayandchuckl
ed.
“Fi
ne,thegrocer
ies;
Iwast r
yingt
ohelp…anyone
whohasenoughwoul dhavedonethesame.Iwil
l
notfor
ceyout odoanythingyoudon’
twanttodo
andclearl
yyoudon’twanttoknowmeasmuchasI
doyou…sobyebye”hi stonegotsof
terandsomber.
“OK…byebye,
”Isai
dal
socal
mer
.Het
ookhandand
kissedi
t.
“Mynamei sLikhakhabytheway…”hesaidthe
star
tedwalki
ngaway.Iwat chedhi
m geti
ntohi
scar
,
thedri
ver
’ssidethi
stime…hedroveoff
.
[
01/
05,
13:
31] :ENTRY10
Ididtheri
ghtt
hingright?See;Ihaveneverreal
ly
enter
tai
nedthewholeboyf r
iendandgirl
fri
endthing.
Ok…inhighschooleveryboythatli
kedmeInever
l
ikedbackandeveryboyIl i
kedneverli
kedmeback
soIthoughtmaybet hiswholecrushi
ngt hi
ngwas
nevermyt hi
ng.AndI ’
m gladbecausewhi l
egirl
s
weregetti
ngpr egnantleftri
ghtandcenterIwas
gett
ingstrai
ghtA’ sl
eftri
ghtandcenter.Whobuys
grocer
iesfortheircrushthough?!?Anyway, t
hat’
s
beentakencar eof;Idon’thavetoworryaboutrich
boycomi ngaroundanymor e.
Butwhydoesal lthi
smakemyhear tfeelf unny.Li ke
I’
m al mostsad…am Isad?Iguesshewaski ndofa
niceguybutImean…” snapoutofi tBuhl e,”Isai dto
mysel f.Hesaidsomet hingt hatIcan’tgetoutof
mi nd;hesai d“Ili
keyoubecauseyoudon’ tknowme;
youhavenoi deawhoIam. ”Whoi nthiswor ldsays
that?Andhewasr i
ght;Idon’ tknowhi m.Ist illdon’t
.
Likhakha.Ishoul dhaveaskedf orthenameofhi s
colognet houghbecausebr other!!Hisscenti sst i
ll
l
inger ingsomewher einthebackofmymi nd.
Ever ythingthathappenedl astni ghtbef orehel eftis
justr eplayi
nginmyhead.Hi sbr eathsmel tlikemi nt
flavor edbubblegum.Hel ookedl ikeanor dinar yboy,
buthewasn’ t
.Hesai dsomet hi
ngt hat’sbeen
replayi nginmyhead;hesai dsomet hingal ongt he
l
inesof,“
Ili
keyoubecauseyouhavenoi
deawhoI
am,allt
hesegir
lsknowmeandwantme.”
“Pr
incess,
”Idi
dn’
tevenseedadwal
kin.“
You
okay?”
“Ewetata,unjaniwena,
”Isai
dhim acupofbur
ning
hott
ea,justthewayhel i
kesit
.Hesmiledashe
l
eanedagai nstthedoor
.“Uyamazi
”(Doyouknow
him?)Iasked.
“
Ubani
,umf
anal
owakho,
”(
Who,
yourboy?
)
“Tat
a…ayi
ngomfanawam,
”(dad,
he’
snotmyboy)
Hegaveaconcer
ningsmi
le.
“Ndiyamfanisamanl omfana,butAndaziuba
ndimqhelelephi,
”(Helooksveryf ami li
ar,butIdon’
t
knowwher eIknowhi mfrom,)het akesasi pofhis
tea.“Peopleli
kehim areeit
herfrom t heroyalfamily
orfrom Rhadebe’s.
”hewal kedintot heliving-
room
andl eavi
ngmewi t
hmor equestions.
Orhe’sj
ustvisit
ingdad,
whymustyoubesoext ra?
Theroyalpeopleareupt
ightandmajest
ic;atleast
fr
om adistance.Heisabitupti
ghtandnothing
cl
osetomaj esti
c…nowtheRhadebe’sareaver y
wealthyfamil
y.Rhadebei sapolygamist
,Idon’
t
knowhowhemakeshi smoneybuthehasi t
.Heis
probablytheri
chestpersonhereaftert
he
Dali
ndyebo’s;t
heroyalthati
s.
Aftermakingbreakf
ast,Icleanedandt ookabath.
It
’sthatt
imeoft hemonthsoIneedt oaskMzi for
somemoneyandIhat et hat,buteverymonthIhave
toaskoneoft hem f
ormoney.Mzi i
salwaysmygo-
toguy.Ifoundthem behindt hehousesmoki ng
weedandj ammi ngtosomeBobMar ley;Mzamo’s
all
-ti
mefavourit
e.
Itappedhi
m ont
heshoulder
.“Bhuti
,
”helookedup
atmeashepassedthesmokeouthi smouth.“
I
needsomemoneyplease,
”Isaid.
“i
mali
,fornt
oningokuBuhl
e?”(
Money,
forwhat
?)He
asks.
“
Doyouhavet
oask?
”
“Awunokwaziuvel
eucel
ei mal
injeest
hubeni
,
uzoyenzani
,
”(Youcan’
tjustwantmoney,whatar
e
yougoingtodo
Whyi
shebei
ngsodi
ff
icul
t?
“I
t’
sthatt
imeoft
hemont
hMzi
,
”Isai
dundermy
breat
h.
“Oh,
”hepull
edoutsomenot esfr
om hisback
pocket
.Thatisalotofmoney.Helookedatmethen
pull
edoutaR100not eandhandedittome.”Get
youachocolateandair
ti
me,”hesaid.
“
Enkosibhut
i,
”(
thankyou!
)
“
Let
’sgo,
”Mzamosai
dbur
ninganot
herj
oint
.
It
’sjustli
kehimt owantt ocomewi t
hme.He’ s
alwaysbeenover l
ypr otectiveofme;evenaf terthe
fancycarstoppedcomi nghewoul dstil
l
occasionall
yf etchmeaf terschool .Thenithi
tme,
wehaveneverr eallytalkedaboutwhathesai dthat
night.Nowwoul di tbewi seofmet obr i
ngitupnow?
No, Idon’
tthinkt hatwoul dbeasmar tmove.At ime
willcome.Thewhol ewayt ot heshophewasqui et,
hehel dmyhandandahel daj ointwiththeother.
He’doccasional lyst ealagl anceatme.Icoul dt ell
hewant edtospeakbuthehel dhi mselfjustl
ikeI
decidedtohol dmysel f
.Honest l
y,Ilovemybr others;
butMzamoi st heoneper sonIcanneverl iet
o.He
getsli
keheisinsi
demyheadandsomet imesIf
eel
l
ikehecanr eadmymi nd.Thoughthi
m andIdon’
t
getalongaswellasweusedt oheissti
llt
heonl
y
personthatunder
stands.
LastnightIwentt obeddear l
yduet othesever e
peri
odpai ns.Mziwokemeupat7: 00tobat h.He
madebr eakfastandmadesur edadhadhi stea.My
brot
hersdohel poutwheni t’
sthatti
meoft he
monthbecauset heyknowhowIcanget .Thisguy
deci
dedt ocook, ear
lyinthemor ning.ImeanIcan
smellcabbageandchi cken;ri
chboy’sgroceries.
Thesmel lisalr
eadyt urni
ngmeof foni t
sown.He
madepor ridgejustforme.
“Bhut
’Mzi
,
”Isaid.Hetookaseatnextt
ome.
“RememberIsaidI’
dgetajobandthenyouguys
gangeduponme. ”
Hechuckl
ed.“
Wedidn’
tganguponyou,
uyamazi
uMzamo”hesays.
“Ei
therway,Ist
il
lthi
nkIshoul
dgetajob.Iwantt
o
hel
pout ;ImeanMandlaisgoi
ngtobacktoschool
nextweekIsupposewe…”
“
Mandl
a…aboutMandl
a,”hesays.
“Whatabouthi
m? ”IaskedandIknowi
njustaf
ew
secondsIwil
lregr
eteveraski
ng.
“Akasayi
ngen’
indabayeskol
ouMandl
a,”(
Hei
sn’
t
goingbacktoschool)
“Akazangewayi
ngenakwasekuqal
eni
, butIhope
nimxelel
eubauyaya,
”(Hehasneverl
ikedschool,
butIhopeyoutol
dhim heisgoi
ngback)
“UyamaziuMandla,hehasmadeuphismi
nd.And
besides;youhaveyourcer
ti
fi
cat
esosi
gqi
bil
e…”i
s
thi
sguyl ist
eni
ngtohimsel
f?
“Yeahbutthisi
sn’
taboutme,
Mandl
aneedshi
s
cert
if
icat
e,tel
lhi
mtogobackbhut
i,
”
“
He’
sgoi
ngt
owor
kwi
thus,
”hedef
endshi
m.
“
Andwheredoyouguyswor k?
”Iaskedandhe
f
ail
edt
orespond.“
Exact
ly!
”
“
Tat
alosthi
sjob!
”hesays.Howcant
atal
osehi
s
j
ob?
[
01/
05,
13:
31] :ENTRY11
Dadlosthi
sjob,t
henwheredoeshegoevery
morning?Andwhywasn’tItol
d.Mzamoand
Mandlawalkedoutoft
heirbedr
oom bot
hhal
f
asl
eep.
“
Kutheninat
hula,
”(
Whyar eyouguyssoqui
et?
)
Mandlaasksin-
betweenyawning.
“Tatalosthisj
ob.Andyou…wena,
”myindexf
inger
pointedstr
aightatMandl
a,“
You’r
enotgoi
ngback
toschool,”
Hi
sgazet
ravel
ledt
oMzi
,butMzihashi
seyeson
t
hegr
ound.
“Whydi dyoutel
lher
?”hesai
d.Hesoundedso
disappoint
edatMzi.
“Leavehi m outofthis,thi
sonei son
you…khang’ ubonesdi ngosokundazi sa,
”(Youdidn’
t
seet heneedt oletmeknow, ”Iasked.Theyalways
dot his,al
ongwi t
ht ata.Theyal waysdot hi
ngs
behindmyback.I ’
m al waysexcl udedfr
om big
discussionsandmeet ings,Ijustseethi
ngshappen
andwhenIhavequest i
onsoneoft hem wil
lsay,
“Wet alked”or“Don’twor r
yabouti t
”or“Ever
ythi
ng
i
sper fectBuhle”andIam t
ir
edofit
.But…ri
ghtnow
i
spr obablynotthebestt
imetotal
kaboutthis–
especiall
ywithdadnotaround.Healsoneedsto
payforhi ssi
ns.
“WetalkedBuhl
e,ever
ythi
ngisper
fect
”sai
dMzamo.
Itookaquickgl
anceathim.OkNobuhleMqokel
i,
calm down.
“Getmeal lyourdir
tyj
eans,
letmewasht hem”I
saiddeli
beratel
yrunni
ngawayfrom thi
stopi
c.They
alll
ookedatmel ikeIdonel
ostit
.“Namhlanj
etana,
”
(t
odayplease)
Am Ij
ustagirli
nthi
shouse?Theyonlyneedmeto
cl
ean,cookandwashf ort
hem,i
sthatal
l?Ok…l
et
mescarethem ali
tt
le.
Ifoundt
hem intheki
tchenhavinganothermeeti
ng.
Theyeachhadapl at
eoverfl
owi ngwit
hthefoodMzi
wascooking.Il
eanedagainstthedoorli
ket
hey
al
waysdowhenI ’
mtheonedi shing.
“Ndi
niqhaphel
eubanenzakanjaninina,
”(
Ihave
seenhowyouguysoper at
e)Isaid.MziandMzamo
gent
lyplacedt
hei
rplat
esont hetabl
e.NotMandla,
hecan’
tdot
hat
.
“
Meani
ng”
-Mzi
“Ani
ndixabi
sangaaphaendli
ni.Youmakeimportant
deci
sionswithoutme,youhol
dmeetingswit
hout
me.Mandl ai
syoungerthanmebutheknows
thi
ngsthatIdon’t
”(Youguysdonotvalueme)-
me
“
Well
,uMandl
ayindoda,
”(
Mandl
aisman)
-Mzamo.
Mandl
anoddedbehindhi
m.
“kabana,yi
ndodakabaniuMandla,
”theyallf
ail
edto
answerme.“ It
hinkIhavebeentooniceforwaytoo
l
ongandI ’
vebeendepri
vingmysel
fofallthe
pleasur
esmypeer senjoy;sowi
ththatsaidfr
om
nowIwi l
lgoout ”
“
Out
,outwher
e”-
Mzamo.
“Outwithboys,ndi
yonxilandibeludaka,”
(Iam going
togetdrunk)Ifol
dedmyar mst omychest .They
l
aughedhi st
eri
call
y,sotheyt hi
nkI ’
mj oki
ng?“ Iam
goingtowearskimpycl othes…andIam goi ngto
havesex,”Iadded.Theyf i
nall
ygavemet he
necessaryatt
enti
on,theylookscar ed…perfect.
“
Yemf
ondi
niuser
ious”Mziasked.
“Ewekaloku,andit
hiandibal
ulekangamna.Ican’
t
gotouniversi
ty;Ican’
tgetajobsoImi ghtaswell
dosomet hi
ngwi thmylif
e.Whoknows;maybe
you’
llbeunclesintheprocess”Isaid.
“
Ungayenzil
ont
oNobuhl
e,
”saysMzamo.
From whereI ’
m st andingIseeVuyoi nthisyard
hangingclothes.Vuyoi sournextdoorneighbor
whol i
kesanyt hingwear ingaskirt
.Hei salways
drunk,al
wayssi ngingandal wayshappy.Vuyo’s
ti
mingcoul dn’tbeanymor eperfect.Ihadanold
tabl
eclothwr appedar oundmywai standundert hat
Iwaswear ingj eanshor ts,
theyweret i
ghtand
sexy…Iunwr appedt hetabl
eclot
handt hrewitonthe
couchasIexi tedgoi ngbacktomyl aundryoutsi
de.
“
Uyaphi,
”Ihear
doneoft
hem ask.ButIwasbei
nga
r
ebelsoIhadtoti
metor
espond.
Themi
nut
eVuyosawme…LORD!
!
“Yho!Yho!Yho!
”hecriedmakinghiswayinsi
deour
yard.Ourgatei
salwaysunlockedsoanyoneTom,
DickandHarry,
incl
udingVuyocouldcomei n
anytime.“Nobuhle,nguwelo
mnt anasekhaya,
”(Nobuhl
e,i
sthi
syou?
)hestood
beforemecover i
nghi smouthwi
thbot
hhishands.
“
Hayi
voet
sekVuyonawe,
”Mzamosaysbehi
ndme.
“Mzamomnt anasekhayar elax.Nobuhl esekemdala
manje, angenzanomayi niayi funayo,”
(Mzamor el
ax,
Nobuhl eisgrownnow, shecandowhat evershe
wants)Vuyosai dwithhi seyesf i
xedonme, not
bli
nkingorwhat soever .“Eishmamau- fine
usis’
wenu”( Butyoursi sterisf i
net hough”headded.
Iwant edtolaughmyl ungsoutbutIhadt o
composemysel fandl ett hisplayout .Vuyowas
makingmybodycr ingeal it
tlebit.Justhavinga
manl ookatmel ikethat;likeI’m somepi eceof
meatdi sgustsmet othecor e.
“Vuyohambabr a”(
Vuyo,j
ustgo)Mandlatookone
stept owardVuyo.ImustsayIam aver y‘f
resh’gi
rl
,
ast heboyswoul dsaybackinhighschool
.Iam
withoutasi nglespotonmyt hi
ghscleanasa
baby’ sbott
om.Idohoweverhavescr at
chmar kson
myt ummy;t heyannoytheheavensoutofme.The
onlyot herspotIhaveonmybodyi sthecl
oud
shapedbi
rthmarkont
helefthand-si
deofmyneck.
Mandladecidedi
twasshapedlikeacloud.
“
Sorr
yke,ngenasit
het
heningayole-
way”(
come
i
nsi
delet
’st
alkaboutt
his)Mzibegged.
“NimenzenikodwauSweet
ymyl ove”Vuyoasked.
Mandlalostit
;hechar
gedtowar
dshi m andpat
ted
him onthechest.
“UnoSweetymylovewenaaph’
endl
iniVuyo,
goduka”heescor
tedhi
mt ot
hegate.
“
Nobuhl
e,i
t’
syoubabygi
rl
”Vuyosai
d.
BeforeIcouldsayanythingMzamomeupand
carr
iedmei nsi
de.Theyst oodbeforemewai tingfor
met ospeak,Itri
edtokeept helaught
eratbaybutI
j
ustcouldn’t
,Il
aughedsohar dtheyendedup
j
oiningme.Iwi shtheycouldhaveseent hemsel ves,
Mandlawasj ustnothavingit,hewasn’tpreparedto
l
ist
enanyt hi
ngt hatVuyohadt osayaftert
hat.
“Onaseriousnoteguys,Iam j
ustapartoft
his
famil
yaseachofyouar e.Don’
texcludemefrom
seri
oustalks…ndi
vel
endibonekusenziwanj
e,that
’s
notfai
r”
-me
“Ok,utat
axaebuya,
sizohl
alaphant
sisit
hethe;
sonke”(whendadcomesback,wewi l
ltal
kabouti
t;
allofus)
-Mzi
“
Fai
renough”
,Ismi
led.
“Nxi
bake”(dr
essup)Mzamosaid.Hepickedupthe
oldtabl
eclot
handthr
ewitatme.Icaughtitand
wrappeditar
oundmywaistl
ikebefor
e.
“YouboysdoknowthatsoonIwillhaveaboyfri
end.
Hewi l
lki
ssmeandtouchmeandunder …”theyal
l
deli
berat
elywal
kedi
ntotheki
tchenignori
ngmeon
purpose.
[
01/
05,
13:
32] :ENTRY12
“Vul’
amehl o”(
openyoureyes)Iobl idged.“
Surpri
se,
”
hecr i
ed.Myf atherhasalwaysbeenasmoot h
cri
mi nal .Ir
emembergr owingupwhenhe’ dhada
l
itt
lemi sunderstandingwit
hmamahe’ djustshower
herwi thgi f
tsleavingherwithnoroom t obemad
anyf urther.AsIgotbi ggerhestarteddoingthe
samewi thmeandsot heboysf ol
lowedi nhis
footsteps;hencet hechocol at
es.Theboysmust
havet ippedhim of faboutwhathappenedear l
ier
,he
boughtmeaphone;api nkNokiaasha.Icannot
conti
nuewithwhathadplannedearl
ier,
I’
vebeen
begginghimforadecentphonewithint
ernet
.
Final
lyIcanal
sohaveFacebookandbel i
kethe
otherki
ds.
“
Tat
a,wemeantbuyachocol
ateoradr
ess,
”sai
d
Mzi
.
“Ut
atasi
sgebenguMzi,ni
mli
bele,
”(
dadi
sasmooth
cri
minal
,haveyouf
orgott
enhim)Mandl
asays.
“Ndi
yabul
elat
ata,”
(thankyoudad)Ipl
ant
edakiss
onhischeckwhichher eci
procat
edwi
thoneonmy
for
ehead.
“Keepupboys,
”hesaysl
ooki
ngqui
tepl
easedwi
th
himsel
f.
“
Bhut
iMzamondi
cel
’
i-
air
ti
met
ana,
”-
me
“
Areyouupf
orawal
k,
”heasks.
“Hayi
,Mzamo,kuhlwil
ehambanoMandla,”(
No,i
t’
s
l
ate,t
akeMandla)yeahdadhasneverl
ikedthei
dea
ofmeleavi
ngthehouselat
eatnight
.
“
Ndi
zombuyi
sat
ata,
rel
ax,
”(
I’
llbr
ingherback)he
draggedmeoutoft
hehousebef
oredadcoul
dsay
anythi
ng.
Asusual ,wi thhi
srighthandhewashol dingmy
handwi thhi slef
taj oi
nt.Yes,Mzamoi slefthanded
andtheamountofst r
engthhehasi smi nd-blowing.
Heoncesl appedaguyandhi stoothbroke.Asa
resul
thedoesn’ thavemanyf ri
ends,hedoesn’ t
easil
ygetal ongwithpeople,it
’srar
et ofindhi m ata
taver
norcl ubbecausehebr eakspeople.The
smallestthingsannoyhi m,he’sverysensi t
iveand
hisdiscernmenti sver ysharp.
“Uyavuya,
”(
areyouhappy?
)heaskedbl
owi
ng
smokeouthi smout
h.
“Ewe,buthowcanhebuymeaphonewhenhe
doesn’
thaveajob,
”
“Uyi
ntyat
yamboyakhe, l
ethim spoilyou.We’
llmake
aplandon’tworr
yaboutf i
nances;that’
snotyour
j
ob.Akhon’amadod’endl
ini
,mane” (
You’rehi
s
fl
ower….t
here’
smeni nthehouse, f
ourofthem)I
hatei
twhenhespeaksl ikethi
s,li
keI ’
mjustagir
l
andIcan’tdoanythi
ngimpor t
ant
“Ok”Isai
d.Icoul
dfeelhi
mlookingatme.Il
ooked
upathim andhelookedaway.
“Mzamo”someonecri
edfrom behi
ndusand
suddenl
yMzamo’seyescameal i
ve.
“Shoshobr a,
”hest ret
chedouthishandal ready
fol
dedintoaf i
standhi ti
tagainsthisf
istast hey
greet
edeachot her.It’
sSizwe,thi
sguyisliket he
onlypersonthatgetsMzamot heyarepracticall
y
bestfr
iends.Myf athertr
eatshimlikehisownson.
“
Buhl
es,unj
ani
?”(
Howar
eyou?
)heaskedbr
ushi
ng
mycheek.
“
I’
m okay,
wher
ehaveyoubeen?
”
“Ndi
khonasisi,
qhaumsebenzi
man…”(
I’
m around,
j
ustbusywi t
hwork)heal
socall
sme‘
si
si’andIcal
l
him‘bhut
i’att
imes.
Heaccompani edustotheshop.HeandMzamo
st
art
edcatchingup,Ithi
nkwelastsawhi
ml ast
month.Hestayedoverforl
ikeaweek.
“KhawenzeuCel
lCR50andt
wobot t
lesofbeer
”he
placedaR200noteont
hecount
er.Hetookaquick
gl
anceatme,
“neChocol
ate;l
astnumber
.”(
The
bi
ggest
)
I’
m standingnextt oMzamowi thmyhandunderhi s
arm, Si
zwewaswai ti
ngforusbyt hegatefi
nishi
ng
upt hejointMzamowassmoki ng.Thesmellof
weedusedt omakemesi cktothestomachbutIgot
usedt oitbecauset hat’
sallMzamosmokes.At
l
eastMziandMandl adotakecigaret
tes.Mzamo
hatescigar ett
es;heclai
mst hey’r
enothealt
hy.
Spar emet hedet ai
ls.
IjumpedasIf
eltacol
dhumanhandgoi
ngupmy
thigh.
“
Whatisit
?”Mzamoaskedpul
li
ngmebehi
ndhi
m
f
orpr
otect
ion.
“Hetouchedme,nxi
landini
,”(
Youdrunkar
d)thi
s
drunkmanbehindmet ouchedme.Howdar ehe?
Hesmel l
ssobad.
“Bra,uzoyimel
alekak’uyi
qal
ayo”WhenMzamo
squintshiseyesjustknowthati
t’
soverforyou.
Sizwet ooklar
geandbol dst
epscloser
.
“
Uyaxokamanl
omnt
wana,
makat
shoxayi
funa
ndizombamba, ”(She’
slyi
ng,ifshewant stobe
touchedshemustsaysoI ’
lltouchher )he
responded.Wr onganswer…Itriedgettingahol dof
Mzamo’ sarm sowecoul dgobef or
et hingsgotout
ofhandbutSi zwemadesur ethatthingsgetoutof
hand.Hepushedt hepoorguyagai nstt hewalland
heldhim bythet hr
oat
.
“Ndiyekeni
”(
leavemeal one)hecri
ed.Theyar enot
goingtoleavehim al
one.Theywi l
lteachhima
l
essonsohe’ llt
eachthelessontohisof f
spri
ng.
That’swhattheyalwayswhent heyteaseeachot her
orafterbeat
ingupsomeone, “
uxel
el’abant
wana
bakho”(tel
lyourchil
dren)
Mzamogotcloser
.“Ndi
jonge,
undi
jongisi
se,
”(Take
alookatmeandlookatmeproper
ly)“Uyandi
bona”
(
canyouseeme)heasked.
“Ewebra,UxoloMzamomf et
hu,andi
bonangauba
nguwel oskhul
usam”(Yes,MzamoI’m sor
ry,
I
didn’
tseeyoutheremyboss)hisvoi
cestar
ted
trembl
ing.Poorguy…
“
Boysj
ustl
ethi
m go,
”Ical
ledout
.Doyout
hinkt
hey
l
istenedt ome?Thenextt hingt heguywasont he
fl
oorr eceivingki cks.Ihadt ojumpi nandsavehi m,
Mzamohasnomer cyi nhi ssyst em.Ther eis
l
iterallynomer cyint heent iref i
breofhi sbei ng…i f
youmesswi t
hhi m hemustt eachyoual essonso
you’ l
ltellpeopl enott ogonearhi m;andasf or
Sizwe, heisj ustasmer cilessasMzamoi sbutt he
differencewi thhi mi st hathe’ llwantyoudead.He
willwantt owi peyouawayf rom t hef aceoft he
earth.Ipul ledSi zweawayandl ucki l
yt heshop
ownerwasabl et opul lMzamoaway.Thi si swhyI
donotl ikegoi nganywher ewi thmybr other s
becauseboyswi l
lbeboys.Theygeti ntof ightsand
thenIenduphavi ngt owat chort ryt ogett hem t o
stop.Compar edt omybr othersIam ver ysmal lso
draggi ngt hem outofaf i
ghti sneveraneasyj ob;
somet imesIgethur tinthepr ocess.AndIal ways
pullthem outofaf i
ghtt osavet hei ropponent s, I
knowmybr ot her s;especi all
yMzamo.Goanywher e
i
nt ownandaskaboutt het hreebr other s.Everyone
knowst hem.
Bef
orei
twasj
ustMziandMzamobutbyt
het
ime
Mandl awasi ngr ade8hewasbecomi ngpopul ar
foral lt hewrongt hi ngs.He’ df ightwi t
hol derboys
andbr eaktheirar ms;onpur pose.I tgott oapoi nt
wher ehewassuspendedf or3weeks, sowi t
hhim
notatschoolmeantIwast henextt ar
get .Itgot
reallyugl ywi t
hanot herguy, hewasgenui nelyout
forr evengeandusedmet ogett oMandl a.Iwasi n
grade9t hen.Hef oundmei nclassal onedur ing
break.Hecamei nwi t
h3ofhi sfri
endsandasked
meaboutMandl a, Itoldthem hewassuspendedf or
threeweeks.Ipackedmybagandgotupt oleave.
Hecommandedmet ositdownandIwasn’ tabout
tolistenhi m,whot hehel lwashe?It r
iedt ocut
bet weenhi m andhi sf r
iendhepushedmesoI
pushedmeback.Thatwast hebi ggestmi stakeof
myl if
e.Hegotahol dofmyt hroat,hisgr ipgot
ti
ght erandt i
ght er .Icoul dn’tbr eathe.Ir emember
feelingsoscar edbecauseIcoul dscr eam andmy
visionwasget tinghazy.I twasgameoverf orme.
Het hrewmeont hef l
oorandsai di fMandl adoesn’ t
comehewoul dn’ tst opbot her i
ngme.whenhel eftI
i
mmedi atel
ycal ledMzamoandi nl esst han10
mi nut eshear rivedwi thMziandMandl a.Imett hem
bythegatefreakedout.Longstoryshor
t,wewent
aroundtheschoollooki
ngf ort
hisguyandwhenwe
foundhim,hellbrokel
oose.That’
swhenandhow
thethr
eebrothercameabout .
[
01/
05,
13:
32] :CHAPTER3
ENTRY13
MzamoandIwer esti
lll
aughi
ngabouttheepi
sode
t
hatj
usthappened.HesaysifIwasn’
tther
ethey
wer
eprobabl
ygoingtodamaget heguy.
“Bhuti
,youknowyoudon’
tneedt
obestr
ongand
scaryallt
heti
me,
”Isai
dandtookaqui
ckgl
anceat
him.
Hechuckl
edandsai
d“St
rongandscar
y,”
“Ewe,Imeanyoudi
dn’thavetobeatt
heguyup,
ubenxil
il
e,
”(
hewasdrunk)Isai
d.
“Lookati
tthi
sway,nextt
imewear enotaround
andyouneedtogototheshophewi l
lnotharass
youandhewi l
lwar
npeopleaboutyourbrother;
that
’sme.Notonl
yareyousafebutIam feared”
“
You’
drat
herbef
ear
edt
hanr
espect
ed”Iasked
“Respectisgiventorichpeopl e;peoplewithmoney.
Fornowt heyneedt of earmesowhenIhavel ots
andlotsofmoneyt hey’ l
laut omati
call
yrespectme.
LookatGaba;he’ srespect edbecausehehas
money…i fyouneedhel pf rom himjustbowbef ore
him butnoonef earshi m andheknowst hathence
theguardsandgunsandhi ghfences.Peoplefear
hismennothi m”

“Whendi
dyougettimetothinkaboutallt
hat,
”that
wassomethi
ngt
ot hinkabout.Hegotholdofboth
myhandsandbenthiskneessot hatwe’r
ethe
samehei
ght.
“Don’
tworryaboutrespect
.Makethem fearyou…I
am notsayi
ngdon’tbenicetopeoplebuttheymust
knownottomesswi t
hyou,okBuhle”ashewas
sayi
ngthatIwastryingmyhardestbesttohold
myselff
rom aski
ngifIneedtofearhim becauseI
do.
“Whataboutyouguys,
shoul
dImakeyoufearme”I
asked.Hegiggl
edandthr
ewhisar
m ar
oundmy
shoul
der
s.
“You’
recute”hesays.I
’l
ltaket hatasano.“Look,
youalreadyhaveaheadst art.Theyfearus
ther
eforetheywil
laut
omat icall
yplayitsaf
ewith
you”
“
Oh,
ok.Ndi
yabona.
”(
Isee)

“LookIwannat el
lyousomet
hing,
Ifoundaj
obf
or
you.Notfarfrom homeandi
t’
sasafeand
protect
edplace,
”hesaid.
Thesearebestnewsi ntheenti
rehist
oryofgood
news.I’
l
lstar
tsavingforuniver
sit
yandbuymyown
thi
ngsandbei ndependentandjustbelikeot
her
chi
ldr
en…okmaybenotl i
keotherchil
drenbutyou
getmypoint.
“
Nyanibhut
i?”(
Real
l
y?)
“
Yeah,
ebukhosi
ni”(
att
her
oyalhouse)
Suddenlymyexci
tementdi eddown.Whatcoul
dI
possi
blydoatt
her oyalhouse?
“
Ebukhosi
ni,
”Iechoedhi
m.Henoddedand
cont
inuedwal
king.“Ndizobendisenzani
”(Whatwi
ll
Ibedoing?
)Iquickenedmyst epsbehindhim.
“
Andazi
,thechi
efneedsagi
rl
…”
“
Agi
rl
”
“
Likeahel
per
…uzovaphambi
li
,that
’si
fyouwantt
he
j
ob”
“Icantry…”NowI’
m scar
ed,Iwasreadyt
obeabi
g
girlandnowIcanbarel
yfeelmylegs.
“Ifyoudon’twantthejobthenwecanlookfor
somet hi
ngelse,toget
herplease,
”heemphasi
zedon
that‘t
ogether
’.Inodded.
“Uzondi
bonanini,
”(Whendoeshewanttoseeme?
)
Iaskedbreat
hinginbraver
yandbr
eat
hingoutf
ear
.
“
I’
llcal
landsetupameet
ing.
”

Itisabeautif
ulandgl
oriousMondaymor ni
ng.At10
o’clockIhaveameeti
ngwi tht
hechiefandhi swif
e.
Iam scared…I’
veseenthem fr
om adistancebutI
havenevereverhadanencount erwit
ht hem.Ihave
neverbeent other
oyalhouse,I
’veonl
ypassedby
andwheneverIpassedIneverpai dat
tenti
onto
anythi
ngoranyoneandt heguardsgiveyouamean
l
ooksot hebestopti
onistojustlookaway.I
passedhereeverymorningonmywayt oschool
unti
lMandladecidedweshouldtakeashor tcut
.
Nowt hatIt
hinkabouti
t;Mandlaactuall
ybull
edme.

Theti
meisnow9:50,Mzamoi nsi
stedonsmoki
ng
whil
ewewaitedout
sidethegatewithaman
car
ryi
ngabiggunstari
ngatus.
“Ndij
onge,
”(Lookatme)Mzamosai dpulli
ngme
towardhim.Hef i
xedmyhairandcleanedmyf ace.
Hemai nt
ainedeyecontactwit
hme.“ I
fforevena
secondyouar enotcomfort
able,
cal
lmeandI ’
l
l
comeandgetyou, ”
“Bhuti
,
”Isaidwit
hafir
mt one.“St
op,andina9,
ndina19…”(I
’
m not9,
I’
m 19)Itookastepback.I
thenbreat
hedinandouttocalm myselfdown.I
wishMziwasher ewi
thme…t hi
sguyist oomuch.
“Ni
ngangena,
”(Youmayenter)sai
danot
herguar
d
comingfr
om i
nside,
thati
sIsaac,Mzamo’
s
acquai ntance,hecal lshi m.whenIaskedhi m why
hecal l
edhi m anacquai nt
anceandnotaf ri
endhe
tol
dmehehasenoughf ri
ends;heonl yhasone
fri
end.Asweent eredmyeyesgr ewwi derast hey
gazedupont hehousebef or
eme.I t’
sbigandni ce
andcl ean.Besi dest hehumongoushouse;t here’s
aboutf iverondavel sandaboutahandf ul–ifnot
mor e–car sint heyar d.There’sanenor mous
gardenwi t
hveget ables.Iseeal otofmencar rying
gunsandl adiesi nuni form walkingar ound,doi ng
onet hingort heot her.Thi si
st rulyt heroyal
house…t hi
siswher emychi efresi des.Beaut i
ful!
Mzamowasi nstructedt owai tbyt hegat e,l
ucki ly
heobeyed.I saacshowedmewher etogoandI
foundsomeonet here…
“Mol
o,ndinguZuki
swa,”(
Hell
o,Iam Zuki
swa”she
sai
dstr
etchingoutherhandtogreet
.
Ishookherhand.”Nobuhl
e,
”Isai
d.Shel
ookslikea
veryresponsi
blewoman,maybeinherl
ate30s.She
hasveryasmal lwai
standbigbot
tom.Herl
egsare
plumpandneat .
“
iNkos’
i
li
ndewena,
”(Theki
ngi
swai
ti
ngf
oryou,
)
shesaysleadingmedownaver yl
ongandnar r
ow
passage.Wet hentookalef
ttur
nwhi chl
eadinto
theli
ving-
room.It’
sli
keanyotherl
ivi
ngroom but
biggerandfancier
.
“Li
ndandi mkhangele,
”(
wait,l
etmelookforhim)she
says.Ithoughthewaswai ti
ngforme…MrKi ngman,
don’twastemyt ime.Shecamebacki n2mi nut
esor
so…”Hlalaphantsi
,i
Nkosiizobanawe
kungekdala”(
takeasithe’
l
lbewi t
hyoushor t
ly)
Ohthecouchissoftandcl
ean…mosti mportantl
y
soft
.Theonesatmyhousedr i
llhol
esintoyour
body.“
Ndiyaqal
aukuzaapha”(
It’
smyf ir
stti
meher e)
Isai
dtryi
ngtonotshowthefactthatIam nervous.
“Ungoyiki.Justberespect
fulandl
ookatyourshoes,
don’tlookattheroyalsint
heeyesthey’
l
lthi
nk
you’
r enotscaredofthem”
“Kodwaandi boyikinje,”(
ButI’
m notscaredofthem)
Isaid.Iam notscar edofthem, i
fanyt
hingtheyare
upti
ghtandmaj esti
c.Butt hi
sisnotasocial
meet ing,
it’
saninterviewsoIneedt obef r
eakedout
alit
tle.
“Zenzisewet hu,”(t
henpr etend)shei ndicatedthatI
shouldf oll
owherandIobl i
ged.Wewentback
outsi
de.Myeyeswentst rai
ghtfort hegat e,Mzamo
i
sst i
llhere.He’ dneverleavemeher e,Itrusthim.
Hest oodwhenhesawt hensatbackdownwhen
mydi recti
onwasn’ ttothegate.IfollowedZuki swa
assheent eredintooneoft herondavel s,it’
s
beautifull
ypai nt
edanddecor at
edi nsi deandout .
Thismustbet hethrone,Isawt heki ngi nhis
chair
…oht hi
si sjustli
keint hemovi es.Myeyes
keepwonder ingabout .Shekneltbef or ehim…
“
Nkosiyam,
nguyel
o”(
Myki
ng,
thi
sisher
)
Iwasabitpuzzledastowhatt
odo,Iknel
taswell
.
ZukiswastoodandIgotabi
tannoyed,
Idon’
tli
ke
thi
skneeli
nggame.
“
EnkosiZuki
wa, ungahamba,
”(Thankyou,youmay
l
eave)
.Sheleftus,i
t’
sjustmeandt hechi
ef.
Woooow!!
!
[
01/
05,
13:
32] :ENTRY14
“Ungubani
,
”(Whoar
eyou?
)heaskedbri
ngi
ngmy
att
enti
onbacktohi
m,myeyesweret
ravel
ing
aroundt
hei
nsi
deoft
hesewal
ls.I
t’
sal
lpr
ett
ycooli
f
youaskme.
“
Nobuhl
e,
”Isai
dwi
thmyeyesont
hef
loor
.
“Nobuhl
e,
”hetookabr
eat
hinandoutandsai
d,“
I
donotknowyou,”
“Idonotknowyouei
thersi
r.”Idon’tt
hinkIwas
supposedtosayt
hat
,wellatleastIdi
dn’tl
ie.Ir
eal
ly
donotknowhim.
Hechuckl
edandsai
d“Ndi
jongent
ombazanendi
n,”
(
Lookatmeyounggir
l)
“AndinokwaziNkosiyesi zwesethu.”(Icannotmy
king)Zukiswaclear l
ysaidtonotlookt hem inthe
eye,shewor ksheresoI ’m suresheknowswhat
she’stal
kingabout .Besides,t
hismi ghtbeat est
.I
needt ostayvigi
lant.“Kuthi
wendi ngakujongi
emehl weni”(
Iwast ol
dtonotlookyoui ntheeye)I
added.
“Thati
str
ue,butifyou’
regoi
ngtoworkf
ormet hen
Ineedtoseeyourface.Besi
dest
hat
,ndi
mi Nkosi;
whatIsaygoes,andit
sho?”(
I’
mtheki
ng…isn’
titso?)
Ipeel
edmyeyesoffthefloorthencametoapause
whenIfi
nal
lysawhiseyes.Hmmm…hel ooksl
ikea
ni
ceoldman.Notancientold…but…r
espect
abl
eold;
maybeearl
y60s.
“
Uthiungubani
?”heaskedagai
n.
“
Nobuhl
eMqokel
i”
“Mqokel
i,
int
ombikaMduduzi
”(
Mduduzi
’
sdaught
er)
Ohsoheknowsmydad.
“
Ewe”(
yes)
Hisf aceli
tup.“ufananonyoko”( Youl ookli
keyour
mot her)Hestood, mindi
ngthest epbef orehi
m, he
sl
owl yandst eadil
ylethi
srightlegt ouchtheground
fi
rstthenhisleft.Hehasast affthatIsupposei sf
or
balanceasr esultofoldage…Idon’tknow.He
analyzedmef r
om top…totoe.“Wal kwi t
hme. ”
Iobeyedandwal kedri
ghtnextt
ohim.“Tel
lme,
uyakwaziupheka”(canyoucook)heasked.
“
Ewet
ata”
“
Nott
hecooki
ngt
hatyouyoungst
ersconsi
dercool
andheal
thyort
rendi
ng…Imeanpr
…”
“Iknowwhatyoumean, ”Icuthim short.Thatwas
verywrongofme, butIcan’
tlethim seethatIregret
doingthatorhownervousIam r i
ghtnow.“ Istay
withfourmen,Iknowwhatyoumean”Icont inued.

Hestoppedbyt
hegardenandlookedtoi
tsf
arends
asi
fsearchi
ngf
orthenextt
hingtoask.

“
Canyoucl
ean?
”
“Li
keIsaid,ndi
hlal
anamadodaamane;sohouse
choresautomati
call
yfal
lonmyshoul
ders”
Helookedatme;soItookt
olooki
ngback.
“Unj
an’uMqokel
i”(
How’sMqokel
i?
)That’
smyf
ather
.
“He’sokay,justtakingitonedayatat i
me,”this
doesn’tfeell
ikeaj obinter
viewatall
.Thisismyf i
rst
j
obi nter
viewandi t’snothi
ngliket
heinternetsaid.
Hemassagedhi sgr eybeardthentookadeep
breathinandt henout .
“Youstol
emyhear
t,
”hesays.Ir
ecoi
ledi
n
confusi
on…
“
Andi
va”(
par
don?

“Ineedyoutotaket
hej
ob.Ineedaper
sonal
helper
,”hesays.
“
Per
sonalhel
per
”Iechoedhi
swor
ds.

“
Yes!Meaningyou’l
ldoourcooki
ng,
cleani
ngand
washi
ng;andotherthi
ngsofcour
seasinst
ruct
ed”

“
Our
,asi
nyouandyourwi
fe?
”

“
Andmychi
ld,
”

“
Chi
ld?
”

“
Myson,
he’
s23…myf
ir
standl
astson”
“Andtheot
herfamil
ymembers?”Iam aski
ng
becausehespeci
fi
call
yment
ionedhi
msel f
,hi
swi
fe
andson.

“YouandZukiswa–t hati
sifyou’
llt
akethejob,
wil
l
beinchargeoffood.Whenyoucookyoucookf or
theenti
refami
ly,hepaused.“XauyiNkosif
uneka
uqaphelengamaxeshaonke, t
herearemanypeople
thatwantmychai randwoulddoabsolutel
y
anythi
ngtogetit
”

“
Ndi
yabona”(
Isee)Isai
d.I
’
m abi
tfr
eakedout
.

“Iknowyourf
atherandyoulookl
ikeaharmless
person.Umhl
e,unent
loni
pho…sofar”hesays.

“
Iseet
hatt
oo”webot
hlaughed.“
So,howmany
t
imesaweekwoul
dyouli
kemet ocomein”
“Iwashopingyou’
dstayhere;I
’
llarr
angear oom f
or
you.Youcanseeyourfamilywheneveryouwant
provi
dedthatyounotbusy…andtheycanvisit
”

“
Ndi
hlal
ephi
,apha”(
Staywher
e,her
e?)Iwhi
sper
ed.

“Ewe,you’
resaf
ehereandi t
’snottoofarfrom
home”hesayst hatl
ikei
t’
sacherryont opwhenit
’s
actual
lyadaggerthr
oughmygut s.Ican’tstay
here…

“
Howmuchwi
llIbeear
ning”i
thast
obewor
thi
t.

“R8000,”Hesai
dandmyeyesautomat
ical
lygr
ew
biggerandmyjawsfel
ltot
hegr
ound.

“That
’sal
otofmoney,
”Idon’
twantt
ori
pthepoor
oldmanoff
.
“I
’m desperat
e.Mypr
evi
oushel
perf
ellpr
egnantsoI
hadtolethergo…bet
weent
hetwous;hercooki
ng
wasn’tthatgreat
.

“
R8000,
itwoul
dhel
pusal
ot”

“
Thi
nkaboutyourf
amil
y”heusedt
he‘
fami
ly’
car
d
t
oguiltt
ri
pmeint
otaki
ngthej
obandi
twas
wor
king.

“Letmetal
ktothem abouti
t,i
fthey’
reokaywi thit
thenI’
l
lcomebackwi t
habag.I fnott
henI ’
llt
ryto
summont hedecencytocomeandt ellyou”Isaid.

“Fairenough;fi
ngerscr
osseduzobuya”hel
it
eral
ly
crossedhisfinger
s.

Lat
ert
hateveni
ngIhadameet
ingwi
tht
heboys
aboutt
heki
ng’sof
ferandt
heyseemedhappyabout
mestayi
ngther
e.

“
It
’ssaf
eenough”
-Mandl
a

“
Andt
hepayi
sgood”
-Mzi

“Okl
ook,howaboutyoupackyourcl
othesandj
ust
deci
dethemorni
ng”-
Mandla.

“
Youarenotf
orcedtopri
ncess,i
fyoudon’twantt
o
t
henyoucanalwaystur
nhim down”-dad.

Isleptaroundt wointhemor ning.Iwast hi

nking
aboutthej obandst ayingsomewher eelsewith
dif
ferentpeople.It
’sscar y.WhenIl eavethi
shouse
i
nt henext15mi nutesorso, Ieitherl
eavewi t
hmy
bagorabsol utelynothing.Ilookedatmysel finthe
mirrorasIt i
edmyhai rintoahi ghbun,Icouldn’
t
hel
pbutnoticethatIr
eallyl
ookli
kemom.Ihaveon
awhitesummerdr essthatt
iesbehindtheneck;i t
’s
j
ustabovetheknee,nottooshortandnott oolong,I
matcheditwit
hblacksandalsandtinyhear tshaped
eari
ngsMzamoboughtf ormeearli
erthisyear.This
shouldbeperf
ect.

Ifoundt
hekingintheli
ving-
room r
elaxi
ngovera
gl
assofwine.Theradioi
sonbuthe’ ssti
llr
eadi
nga
newspaper
.Don’tevenask…
[
01/
05,
13:
33] :ENTRY15
“
Nkosiyam,
”Isai
drespect
ful
lykneel
ingbef
orehi
m.
“
Ntombi,
”heswitchedof
fther
adi
oimmedi
atel
y.
“
Phakama.”(
Stand)
“Ingathiawonwabanganamhl anjetata,i
ngaba
yonk’intoi
lungi
le”(
itl
ookslikeyou’ r
enothappy
today, i
severyt
hingokay)whot hehellpermit
tedme
toaskaboutt heking’
swel l
-being.Ineedt obemore
discipli
ned;morecoll
ectedandmi ndmyown
business.
“Wel
l,whywoul dn’tIbe?Youdon’
thaveyourbags.
Younglady,doyouhaveanyi deahowharditisto
fi
ndtherightpersontotakecar
eofmeandmy
fami
ly?”hesays.
“No,Idon’thaveani dea…I’
veneverhadt ofi
ndt he
ri
ghtpersont otakecar eofmeandmyf amilysoI
canonlyimagi ne.Ij
ustcamet ot
ellyouthatIlove
theroom,it’
sbeaut i
ful…”Isaidsmili
ngandhi s
countenanceimmedi at
elyli
tup.
“Theroom,l
ontoi
thet
h’ukubauzohl
ala”
(Thatmeans
you’
restayi
ng?
)heaskedandInodded.
“Ewetat
a,ndi
zohl
ala,
”(Yes,
I’
llbest
ayi
ng)I
assur
edhim.
Hetookmetomeethiswi
fe,
thequeenmot
her
.We
f
oundheri
ntheki
tchenmakingt
ea.
“Nkosikazi
,
”(Mywife)hesayswrappinghisar
m
aroundherwaist
.“Thisi
sthegir
lthatstol
emy
heart
,”headded.
“Hecoul
dnotstoptalki
ngaboutyou,Iwasworri
ed
youwerenotevenreal,
”shesai
dandweal ll
aughed.
“Soyouwil
lbestayi
ngwi t
hus,Itakei
t?”
“
Ewemamaandmyfami
lyar
equi
tepl
easedwi
th
t
hatImustsay.
”
“Myqueendoyour
ecogni
zet
hisf
ace,
”askedt
he
ki
ng.
“Shelooksveryf
amili
ar,
siyamazi
?”(
Doweknow
her?
)Askedt heQueen.
“
She’
sMqokel
i’
sonl
ydaught
er,
”
Thequeen’
sfacel
itupasshel
ookedupather
husband.
“Uyaxoka,
yebet
hunanakuyakhulwanje.
Awusemhl emansanal
wam…”( Don’
tli
e,peopl
ear
e
growingup.Youar
esobeautifulmychild”
“Enkosimam’uNdl
unkul
u,”Il
etoutahumblesmi
le.
Theyseem toknowmypar ent
squit
ewell
.
“Bef
oreIl
eaveyoutwoalone,mysoniscoming
backonMonday;forgoodthi
stime,
”hesmil
ed.
“Pl
easefi
xhisr
oom.Letitbereadyforhi
m”
“Nkosiyam”Ibowedmyheadal it
tl
easagest ur
eof
respect.Heki
ssedhiswi
fe’
scheekandleftus
alone.IhopeI
’l
lgetal
ongwit
hherlikeIdowit
hthe
ki
ng.
“Ut
heungubanikanene?
”(Yousai
dyouwer
e..
?)I
don’
tremembergivi
nghermyname.
“
Nobuhl
e,
”Isai
d.
“Abeaut ifulnamef orabeaut i
fulgirl”shesai dwi th
aver ysof tandwar m smi le.Thelastt imeIsawt hat
kindofsmi lewasonmama’ sfacer i
ghtaf terwe
pur chasedmybeadst hatday.Iwassohappyt o
fi
nal l
yhavemyver yownsetoft raditionalbeads
l
ikeever yot hergi r
l.Sheshowedmear oundt he
house, i
ncl udingherbedr oom wi ththeki ng.Thei r
bedr oom i sbi ggert hatourki tchen, howi st hateven
possi ble?Ther eisabat hroom, t
oiletandawal k-
in
closeti nsidet her oom, peopleact uallyli
vel ike
this….andI ’
mj ustacl eaner .Inevershame…a
mi racleneedst ohappenpr ett
ysoonbecauseI
wantt olivei nabi gf ancyhouseandwai ti
ngf or
someyear stost artli
vingl ikethisisnotagame
plan.
Iwasgivenaroom t
hati
sri
ghtinf
rontoft
heson’s
room,
itfeel
sawkwardtobethi
scl
osetothem buti
-
j
obyi-
job,
apparentl
ysisZukiswaistheper
sonal
hel
pertot
heking’syoungerbrot
her’
sfamil
y.
“Youcanr estnowandjustgetset
tledi
n;t
heki ng
requestedthatyoupr
eparesupper.Byei
ghto’clock
everyonemustbeseatedinthediningt
able”she
says.
Inodded.“
Mam’ uNdlunkul
u,whataboutmy
uni
form?”Inot
icedthateveryworkerwaswear
ing
uni
form.
“Thekingpref
ershispersonalhel
perswit
hout
unif
orm;hispersonalguardwearssuit
ssoIguess
you’
llbefi
neasyouar e,”
I
’
llbef
ineasIam shesays.Okay,
asIam.
“Onemoret
hing,Isawyoumakingt eaear
li
er…why
youweremakingityour
sel
fordoyoupr ef
erto
maketomakeyourownt ea,
”Iasked.
“Bef
or eI
’m aQueenI ’m awoman.Youknowhow
wear e,
”shesai d,smil
edandti
ptoedout side;I
’m
guessingtot herondavelwi
tht
hethr onetobewi t
h
herlover.Sheisactuall
yqueenmat eri
al;Itot
all
y
wantt obelikeher.Ihidmysel
finther oom, I
’m not
yetfamil
iarwit
hmycoll
eaguesandthewholebeing
anicesocialbei
ngt
hinghasneverbeenmyf or
te.
I’
vealwaysbeennonchal
antaboutcrowdsand
beingsocial
.Myphoneri
ngs,i
tshome.
“
TATA,
”
“HELLOPRINCESS,HOW I
SI TGOING,
”heasks.I
canheart
heboysinthebackgr
ound.
“I
T’SGOI
NGOKAY,
AKHONGXAKITATA,
”(THERE’
S
NOPROBLEM)
“WEMI SSYOUMAN, IDON’TKNOW WHATMZII S
COOKINGHERE”webot hlaughed.Imisst
hem;I
don’
tthinkI
’
llbeabl
et osl
eeptonight
.
“TATA,MZICANCOOKNJENA, ”Isai
dinthemiddl
e
oflaughi
ng.Il
ookedatt
heclockonthewall
;it
reads17:
50…Ineedtogetst
artedwit
hsupper.
“HMM TATAFUNEKANDI
HAMBE,
I’
LLCALL
BEFOREISLEEP”
Whenheaskedi fIcouldcookIsaidyesbecauseI
wantedtogett
hej obandyesIcancookbutIhave
nevercookedf
orar oyalf
amily;j
ustmine.NowIam
confused.Ist
artedchoppi
ngonionsandpeppers;I
havenevereverbeenconfusedinli
fe.Theki
ng
walkedin.Igavehim myatt
enti
on.
“
Pleasemakepapandr
edmeat
,”hesays.
“Thatisal
l…”Isai
d…itcan’
tbeal
l;nosal
adorf
ancy
dish.Henodded.“I
papanjeqha”
“
Nenyamaebomvu,
”hesays.
“
Nof
ancydi
shes…”Iasked.
“Dar
li
ngI’
m anoldman,Ijustwantt
oeat
somethi
ngIwil
lunder
standplease”
“Iunder
stand,”Ismi
ledbecausehej
ustmademy
j
obeasier.“Somethi
ngsimpleandunder
standabl
e
comingrightup”
“Don’
tforgetsomeveget abl
es;youknowhowwi ves
areabouthealth,”hewinkedandexited.Icoul
dhi s
l
aughf adingalongwi t
hhisfootst
epsdownt he
passage.Okay, sowe’remakingstif
fpapa,withred
meat;thestewhast obeawesomeIt akeitheloves
redmeat .Forsomet hi
nghealthyIwil
lmakef r
ied
cabbagewi thrajaandmaybeboi l
edgr eenbeans.
Yeah!It
hinkt
hat
’sagamepl
an.
By20:
15ever
ymemberoft
hefami
lywasseat
ed.I
gavet
hel
astper
sont
hei
rpl
ate.
“
Ist
her
eanyt
hingel
seyouneed,
”Iasked.
“Hhayintombi ,si
-ri
ghtokwangoku, ”(No, we’r
eokay
fornow)sai doneoft heuncl es.Iwentbackt ot he
kit
chenandst art
edempt yingt hepotsandwashi ng
them.Iam t ir
edandhungr y;Ihavenevereveri nmy
l
ifecookedf orthatnumberofpeopl e,Ithinkthere’
s
aboutf i
ft
eenpeopl eint here.Iwentf r
om f ourto
fi
fteeninabl inkofaneye.IsawZuki swaandt he
otherladiescookingout sideIguessedt hatwasf or
thewor kers;butIwillwaitunt i
lI’
m called,Idon’t
wantt ojumpi ntoconcl usionshere.
Atexactl
yni neo’
cl
ockIwentt
ocol
lectt
hepl
ates
andclearthetabl
e.Iwast
oldt
onotmakedessert
theyhadwi ne.
“Bath’
ungubani,Nobuhle”Itur
nedmyeyestothe
guywhowasspeaki ng.“Thatwasdel
ici
ous.Pl
ease
tel
lmeyoust i
llhavemor e,
”
“
Ewe,
ther
eisst
il
lenoughf
orever
yone,
”Isai
d.I
hopemysmi l
eisnott
oomuchbecauseIam so
happyr
ightnow.Iwassowor
ri
edtheywoul
dn’tl
ike
mycooking.
“Khawuphindeundizamesanal wam”( pleasegi
ve
mesomemor e)Iwentbackt othekitchenwitha
bunchofdirtyplat
es.Iquicklydishedfortheuncle,
wentbackt ogivehim hi
sf oodthensomeoneasked
forasecondr oundtoo.
Iwashedt heremainingdi shes,
moppedandswept .
Thereaft
er,Iir
onedtheki ngandqueen’ sclothesf
or
tomorrow.Iheardnoi sesintheli
ving-room soI
wenttocheck…don’ taskmewhywhenIknowf ul
ly
wellIam justahelperandnotaguar d.Ifoundthem
watchingtvallcuddledupi neachot her’
sarms.
“
Usahl
eli
,
”(you’
rest
il
lup)sheasks.
“
I’
m goi
ngt
osl
eepnow”Ir
esponded.
“Ididn’
tseeyoueatNobuhlesinceyougothere,
”
saidtheking.Idon’
thaveanyt
hingtosaythat
.My
excusesoundsst upi
dinmyheadsoIwon’ tdare
utterit
.
“
Youdi
dn’
teat
,”shesayssi
tt
ingupst
rai
ght
.Ishook
myhead.“Thixo,ngoba…”Icoul
dnotgiveheran
answer,mymout hwasopenbutnoopenwas
comingout.“
Sitdown, I
’
llmakesomethingf
oryou,
”
shestood.
“
Mam’uNdlunkul
uI’
l
lgoandmakesomet
hingf
or
mysel
f.Pl
easedon’
tbot
heryour
sel
f.
”
“
Nonsense…hlal
aphant
si.
”(Sitdown)Iobeyed.She
i
sreal
lymakingfoodf
orme, okay.
“Yourson…i
shest
il
lcomi
ngbackonMonday,
”I
asked.
“Yesyes…”hisfacelight
supever
yti
mehespeaks
abouthisson.Hemustr eal
lyl
ovehi
m.“
Ndit
hethi
le
nayeemi ni
,uyeza”(
Ispokewit
hhimint
he
aft
ernoon,he’
scomi ng)
Inodded.TheQueenmothercamebackwi thaplat
e
offoodandaglassofjui
cebothonatray.She
warmedt hef
oodIhadcookedearl
ier
;howni ceof
her.Iat
eonaswewat chednews.
“
Nobuhle,
youareall
owedt oeatwheneveryouwant
t
oeat.Whenyoucook, youcookforever
yone
i
ncl
udingyour
sel
f.Thisishomenow…”shesai d.
Thisisnothome.Imi ssmybr ot
hers…suret hi
s
placeisluxur i
ousandbi gbutmybr othersand
fatheraren’therewithmesoIcan’ treall
yrelaxand
beathome.Ihaveneversl eptanywhereelse
besideshome, knowingt hatmybr othersareinthe
otherroom andi fanyt hi
nghappensIwi l
lbesaf e
becauset heywi l
ldoanyt hingintheirpowert o
makesur eIam safeandhappy.Her e;I
’m onmy
ownandIhavet otakecar eofmysel fandl ookout
formysel f.Ican’
treallytr
ustanyone.
Mzamocal ledtoaskifIhadakeyt ol ockmyr oom
andl ucki
lyIhadone.Hecal ledmeagai nbef
orehe
slepttoaski fmydoorwasl ocked.Hewasn’ t
satisfi
edwithmej ustsayi
ngyessohemadest and
andcheck.Iknowhewon’ tbeabletosl eept
onight
too,butI’
m gr owi
ngup.Wehavet ogetusedt oit.I
won’ tbearoundforever
..
.neitherwi
llhe.
[
01/
05,
13:
33] :ENTRY16
It
’s6:45,i
t’
saSundaymor ning.I
’mintheki t
chen
prepari
ngisidudu( por
ridge),mom’sspecial
porri
dge;Ihopet heyloveit.Ihearpeopl
et al
king
outsi
de,thi
spl aceisbig.Idon’tknowwhoi s
who…Zukiswaent er
edlookingasf reshasthe
mor ni
ngsuni nheruni
form.Herf aceisglowing,
she’sver
ybeaut i
ful
.Youcant el
lshe’saverypr oud
woman, she’sabeli
ever
.Shebel ievesinGod,the
sameGodt hatmamabelievedin.Icansmel lhim al
l
overherli
keIdidonmama.Het ookovermamat oa
pointwhereIgotsoannoyedbecauseIcoul dnot
feelhi
m onme.

OnSundays;mamawoul dpickoutanout f
itf orme,
bathemeandmakemepr esent ablef ortheLor d.
Dadandt heboyswoul dsitalmostever ySunday
out.Ihadnochoi ce.Mamadi dn’ tevenaski fI
want edtogot ochurch,shejustt ookmet ochur ch.
Irememberever ySundayser vicef eltli
keitl asteda
week.Thepast orwoul dstandi nf rontandpr each
unti
lhest art
edtosweat .Thent herewer et he
prayersforwomenonWednesdaysandofcour se
mamadr aggedmeal ong,I’
dwat chthem pr ayand
praiseandIjustdidn’tunderstand.
OneSundayaf ter
noon,
onourwayhomefrom
church;Iaskedmamaifshe’
sseenGodandifshe
real
lybeli
evedhewasrealordi
dshej
ustgoto
churchbecauseallt
hewomenheredi
d.
Shet oldmet hati fitwasn’ tforGodshewoul dn’ t
haveus;t hat ’smeandmybr others.Shesai dt he
doctor stoldhershewoul dn’tbeabl etohaveki dsof
herownbutbecausehermot hergavehert he
greatestgi ftofal landt hatwasGodshewai ted
fait
hfullyforHi mt obl essherwi t
hthef r
uitoft he
wombandHedi d.“ Iam sohappyt hatItoogett o
giveyout hegr eatestgi ftamot hercouldevergi ve
toadaught er ,
”shesai dt hatwithjoybr i
mmi ngon
herfaceast hesunhi theri nalltherightplaces.I
smi l
edt ocovert hef earIhad.Iwasscar edt hatI
wasn’ tagoodper sonbecauseIdi dn’tknowGod;
I’
veneverf el thim orhear dhi m.Iprayedever ynight
i
nt hemor ni ngandni ghtbef oreIslept.Iprayed
beforeIwr ot eapaper ,Iprayedandhopedt hatone
dayGodwoul dvisitme.

Theni
ghtaf
termom’
sfuner
alIhadapani
cat
tack
atnight.Iwasal onei ntheroom;Icoul dn’tbreat he
ormoveandut terasi nglewor d.Nosoundcame
outfrom mymout h.Icouldheart heboysanddad
tal
kingi nthel i
ving- room butt heycoul dn’
thearme.
IthoughtIwasgoi ngt odieandIdi dn’twantt odi e
asyet.If eltabur ninghotl i
quidr olli
ngoutofmy
eyesintomyear sasIwasf acingt hecei l
ing.It hink
fearandpai nboi ledmyt ears…Idi dn’tprayi nthose
fewmi nut esofpai nandagony, whendeat hwas
l
ookingatmesquar eintheeyes.Ir emember
chanting, “
Tat apl easehel pme, ”inmyhead.My
eyeswer etightlyshutbecauseIdi dn’twantt ol ook
atdeat hevent houghIcoul df eeli thover i
ngover
mej ustwai tingpat i
entlyformet of i
nal l
ybr eathe
outandneverbr eat heinagai n.
“Amanzi,
”(Water)Iheardsomeoneshout ,it
soundedli
ketheper sonwasf arawayfrom me.
WhenIopenedmyeyesIsawahumanf igure
standi
ngoverme.Myhear twashappy, aspainful
asitwas.Godcamet omef i
nal l
y!Hevi
sitedmel i
ke
hedidmama…Godwasi nmyr oom t
ryi
ngt ohelp
me.Isawmybr othersst
andingoverme, Icouldn’
t
seemyf at
her.ThenIlookedatGodagain,
hegentl
y
satmeupst r
aightandgavemewat ert
odr i
nk.I
tookafewsipsandever yt
hingst
art
edfeel
ing
normalagai
n.

“You’r
eokaybaby, utat
’ukhona, ”(
dadi shere)he
saidbur yi
ngmei nhisarms.I twasmyf ather.I
couldn’tseehim withmybr ot
hersbecausehewas
seatedr i
ghtnexttomet ryingtohelpmeandI
thoughthewasGod.Si ncet hatnightIstopped
goingt ochurch,Iprayedl essandt heneventuall
yI
j
ustst oppedpr ayi
ng.

“Buhle,
”Iwasactual
lysurpri
sedthatshecal
ledme
Buhle.“Youcanstar
tsett
ingupt hetabl
enow,I
beli
evethey’
llbecomingforbreakf
astanyminut
e”
shesays.
Ididn’
twasteanot
hersecondintheki
tchenIwent
overtothedini
ngroom andst
art
edsetti
ngupf or
breakfast
.Notsol
ongaf t
ert
hetablewasfull
.Sis
Zukiswatoldmethatsomepeoplewil
lbeleavi
ng
t
odayandsomet oni
ght,
ther
ewasaf amil
yget
t
oget
herlastweekandyouknowsomef amil
y
members;theyl
iketoli
ngeraroundaf
tert
heevent
–but–itwon’talwaysbefull
.

“Soyouunder st
andt hat;iNkosi
,hiswifeandson
areallunderyourcar e,
”shesaidthemi nuteI
walkedinwithatr ayinmyhandsandadi shcl
oth
overmyshoul der.Ifeltl
ikeahelper…becauseIwas.

“Yes,
they’veexpl
ainedever
ythi
ngt
o…t
ellme
something?”

“
Yint
oni
?”

“Wher
edoyouguyssleep?
”mycur
iosi
tywas
get
ti
ngthebestofme.

“
Somegohomesomest
ayi
nthef
lat
s,”
“
Oh!
…andyou?
”

“
Igohome.Homei
snotf
ar…”

“
Molweni,
”aladyinthesameuni for
m asZukiswa
wal
kedin.Wellshe’
senergeti
c,ever
ythi
ngabouthe
i
shappyincl
udinghervoice;i
tshighpit
chedcute.

“Molo,
”ZukiswaandIsaidsi
multaneousl
y.I
’
ve
seenheraroundbutneverr
eall
ygotthechancet
o
tal
kwithher.

“It
akei tyou’
retheki
ng’
spersonalhelper
,”she
analyzedmef rom t
optotoe.Inodded.
“
I’
m Mar
y,”ahugf
oll
owedaf
ter
.Ohmy!Okay.
“Wellar
en’tyoul
ucky,urhol
amalini?
”sheasked.I
am nottheonlycuri
ouscatIsee.“ButImustwarn
youthough,thepri
nceismine,
”
“Yours…asinyouaretoget
her.Asi nyouar e
romantical
lyi
nvol
ved?”Iasked.Ineededt oknow
becauseaccordi
ngtomyunder standi
ngtheprince
cannotwi t
hanyonethati
snotfr om aroyal

“Uyaxokawethulo,uyamf unaqhaandi Nkosana

ayimazinomazi,
”(She’slying,shej
ustwantsthe
pri
ncebuthedoesn’ tevenknowher )saidZuki
swa
bursti
ngherbubble.Ilaughed.Girl
s…“Nkosazana,
”
(Pri
ncess)sai
dZukiswat easinglyt
oMar y.

“Youcanhaveanyoftheyoungeruncl
esorol
deror
alloft
hem,
”Marysays.

She’sactuall
yserious,sheactual
lybeli
evest
hat
onedayt hepr i
ncewilllooki
ntohereyesandt hen
falldeepl
yinlovewi t
hherandt henmar r
yher.Talk
aboutaf ant
asy.Whoi nthei
rmindfall
sforanyone
from aroyalfamil
y?Iwoul dn’
tdare!Ihavealotto
doinl
if
ethantojustlookpr
ett
yandbeapr
incess
oraqueen.Thosestori
esar
efant
asi
es…

“
She’
snotj
oki
ng,
”sai
dZuki
swa.

“Oh,don’
tworr
y…Iam sureyourpr
incewillnoteven
havemyheadt ur
ning,
”Isai
djustt
or est
orepeace
i
nhermi nd.

“Letmegetbacktowor
kthen,
”shehuggedme
againandexi
ted.

“
Don’
tfor
gett
odustt
het
hrone,
”sai
dZuki
swa.

“Thatismydut
yaswell
?”t
hatseemedl
ikea
Zukiswaki
ndofjob.

“
Anyt
hingt
oocl
oset
otheki
ngi
syourdut
y,buthe
doestr
ustmewit
hcertai
nthi
ngssoIwil
lbeabl
eto
hel
pyouhereandther
eunti
lyougett
hehangof
thi
ngs,
”
Ohjah!If
orgetshe’st
heking’syoungerbrot
her
’s
hel
persoItakeitshehasprivi
legestoo.“
Letmeget
somevegetabl
esf orl
unch,
”

“Actual
lyIwasthi
nkingofmakingamasiforl
unch,
theweatheral
lowsit,
”Ihopeshedoesn’
tthi
nkIam
disr
egardi
ngherideas.“Thenwecanusethe
vegetabl
esforsuper
,”Iadded.

Shenoddedandsmi
led.“
Liceboel
ihl
eel
o,”
(thati
sa
greati
dea)

“Nobuhle,goodnews,”Mam’Ndlunkulucamein
rushi
ngl i
keawi nd.“Mysoniscomi ngt
oday.Make
surethereisfoodwhenheget shere…hi
sroom
mustber eadyf orhi
m,”shel
ookedsoexcited.They
mustr eal
lylovethei
rson.
“Iwil
ldosoma, ”Ireci
procat
edthesmi l
e.Iam not
excit
ed;thatonl
ymeansmor eworkforme.She
ti
ptoedoutthedooragain.Isayshetipt
oes
becauseshewal kssoglori
ouslyandmaj est
ical
ly,
everystepshetakeslookssolady-
li
keandpoi sed.

“ThisiswhatIhateaboutyourjob.Youst ayhere,
sleephere,
wakeupher eandt akeordersfrom t
hem
alltheti
me,”sai
dZukiswaoutoft heblue.SheandI
dot hesamet hi
ngsoIdon’tgethermur mur i
ng.The
diff
erencei
sshegoeshome.“ Letmeleaveyou”
sheadded.Shet henexi
tedthroughthebackdoor .
[
01/
05,
13:
33] :ENTRY17
Thet imenowis8: 30am;l etmegetst artedwit
hhi s
room.Ichangedt hebedsheet sandcur t
ainsashi s
mommyi nstr
ucted.Hiscloseti sneatandverybi g.
Ther e’
sablackfl
uf f
yfloorr ugonthef l
oor,ahuge
mi r
roronthewallandbr ownl eat
hercouchatthe
centerofthewalk-incl
oset .Hiswar dr
obeisfullof
clothes…l
ikealotofclothes.Theyl ookexpensive
andsmel lexpensive.Therearewat ches,belt
s,
shoesandbr andnamesIcanandcannot
pronouncewi thmymout h.Heseemsl i
keacl ean
anddecentguy.Notasi nglephot oofhim,justhis
parents.Hi sbedroom flooriswooden, butthere’
s
anotherbI gfloorrugundert hebed.Ichangedhi s
bedsheet sfr
om what everthatcolourwast o
white….whi t
eeverything;itgavetheroom a
welcomi ngandpeacef ulambi ance.
At10:30Igotstart
edwi t
hlunch.By11:30orsoI
wouldhavebeendown.Thehousei snotchaot i
c
today;i
fIgetthechanceto–maybeIwi l
lwal k
aroundtheyardjustt
oknowmysur roundings.
Mzamoi nsi
stedIdot hat
…IknowwhenI ’
m being
watchedandr i
ghtnowIknowt hereissomeone
behindmest ari
ngatme…i t
’st
hequeenmot her.
“
Mama,
ndi
ngakunceda,
”(CanIhel
pyou?
)Iasked.
“Ohno, don’tmindme.Ijustcamet ocheckonthe
food.Icouldn’thel
pbutnoti
cehowbeaut if
ulyou
are;you’l
lmakeagr eatmakotione.I’
m sur
eNkosi
willt
hinksot oo…”shesays.
“
Nkosi
…”
“
Myson,
thepr
ince,
”shesai
dandIl
aughed.
“Yeahno,
”IlookedatthedressIhadon, andthen
l
ookedather.“Mna…hayimamasudl al
angam.Why
wouldapri
nceevengi vemeasecondl ook?Iam
j
ustNobuhleMqokeli,
umnt unje,
”(Iam just
NobuhleMqokeli,
anor di
naryper
son)
“Yehlisai
stovesakho,
”(decr
easethetemper
at ur
e
ont hestove)shesaysopeningthepottost
ir.I
obeyed.“Wonkeumnt ungumnt unjeNobuhle,”
(everyoneisordi
nary)
“
Notyouoryourhusbandandson.
”
“I
fmyhusbandandIdi vor
cenowIwoul dbean
ordi
naryperson.Iwasbornafemalenotaqueen.
Youwer eal
sobor nafemaleweren’
tyou,”Inodded.
“ThenIguessI
[
01/
05,
13:
34] :ENTRY18

Ther
es’
saknockont
hedoor
,bef
oreIknewi
tMar
y
hadl
ether
sel
fin.
“
OKBOYS,
MANDI
HAMBE.
..
”(
letmego)
“
LOOKAFTEROFYOURSELFBUHLE,
”sai
dMzamo.
“
OKMZAMOIWI
LL.
”

“
YesMar
y,”Isai
dri
ghtaf
terendi
ngt
hecal
l.

“You’r
ethe3br ot
her’
ssist
eraren’tyou…Ididhear
someoft hehelper
stalkaboutitbutIthoughti
twas
allj
ustgossi
p,”shesaysenthusiasti
call
y.

“
Ok…and.”ThanksalotMaryf
oryetanot
her
r
eminderthatIam j
ustt
hei
rsi
ster
.Whenwil
litend?

“Tel
lme?”shecaressesmyf ace,“
Mzi…orMzamo,
maybeevenMandl a;Mandlaistooyoung.Ok,
Mzamot hen;I
’l
lset
tlef
orhim.Hookmeup, ”Mary
speaksalothey.“
Icanfeeli
t,Mzamoi stheone”
“
Youseever
yconvi
ncedaboutwhatyou’
resayi
ng,
”

Shesmi
ledandsai
d,“
NowIneedt
odumpt
heot
her
one,
”

“
Whi
chone,
”Ihopeshedoesn’
tsayt
hepr
ince.
“Youdon’
tknowhim wethu.I
fIl
eavehi
mI’
l
lbe
downtotwo;thepr
inceandMzamo.

Aladywal kedin.“Yewenasphukuphuku, youwere

meanttocal lherandnotcor rupther,”(
heyyouf ool
)
shesaidcar ef
ulenought onotof fendher .“I
nkosi
i
yakucela,ndinguOlwethu,”
(theKingwoul dli
keto
seeyou,I’
m Ol wethubytheway)t here’
sasenseof
urgencyinhervoice.Ileftthem inmyr oom and
hurri
eddownst air
s…Ienteredt helivi
ng-room wit
h
myeyesont heground.Idi dgetagl impseoft he
thi
rdpersoni ntheroom.I t
’saguy…I ’mt hi
nkinga
famil
ymember .
“Nkosiyam,Mam’uNdlunkulu”(
Myking,queen
mot her
)Isai
dkneel
ing.Justbyt heway–i fanyone
wonderedthi
swholekneelingandbowi ngthingis
slowlyget
ti
ngtome…Idon’ tappreci
ateitonebit
.

“Nobuhl
e,t
hisisNkosiDal
indyebo,
myf
ir
standl
ast
sonandchil
d,”theki
ngsays.

“NdijongeNobuhl e,”
(l
ookatmeNobuhl e)sai
dthe
prince.Il
ift
edupmyheadandmyeyesbehel d
Likhakha…isthisapr ank?Whati shedoinghere?I
mi ghthavediedt hereforawhol e10seconds.He
smi l
ed;thatsmile…itshim, i
tsri
chboy.Ithi
nkI’
m
dyingagain.Ineedt oqui tandgobackhome.My
hear ti
sbeatingfastagainandmypal msar e
sweat i
ngandIt hinkIam dyi ng.

“Isever
ythi
ngokay?”t
hequeenbroket
hesi
lence
thathaddwell
edforwaytool
ong.Myli
psweretoo
dryformetoutteraword.
“Shel
ookedver
yfami
li
arma,
that
’sal
l.Unj
ani
Nobuhl
e?”

“Iam wellNkosana,wena?”Icoul
dn’tgetmyeyes
offofhi
m.Thi sisthei
rson…him,outofallpeopl
e
hehadt obetheirson.Ofcoursehe’
sar oyal.

“Iam ti
red.Ihaven’
tshoweredorhadanyt
hingt
o
eatbutseemsyou’ vedonealloft
hat
,”hesai
d.I
clear
edmyt hr
oat.Idon’
tknowwhattosaynow.

“Nkosi,
thi
sismyf avori
tegi
rl
;af
teryourmom.Be
nicetoher…”t
hekingsaysandIforcedasmil
eto
acknowledgehisprai
ses.

“Myparent
sli
keyou, wowthiswasreall
ymeantt
o
be…”i
sthatsarcasm?Ishereal
lydoingthi
s
now…”I
’l
lbenicetat
a,”headds.
Thequeenstandsandletsoutherhandwhichthe
kinggotaholdof.“
We’l
lgiveyousomespacet o
talkandgooveryourt
hingswithher
,”shesays.

“Okmama.I twon’
ttakelong,
”Iwait
edunt
ilIcoul
d
nothearthei
rfoot
stepsanymore.“
Youcanstand,
”
hesays.Iobeyed.

“Yousai
dyournamewasLi khakha,”Iwhispered.
Notoutofchoi
cebutoutoflackofairinmyl ungs.I
wasnotawareIwasholdi
ngmybr eath.

“I
tis…soi
sLi
khakha…soi
sLawr
ence,
”hest
ood.He
st
il
lsmell
sgl
ori
ous.

“
Youdi
dn’
ttel
lmeyouwer
eapr
ince,
”

“
Woul
dyouhavegi
venmechance,
”heput
shi
s
handsinhispant
s.Verynicef
ormalpant
s;hewore
them wit
hawhiteshi
rt
,blackt
ie,
ablackjer
seyand
blackfor
malshoes.

“Hellno!Ineverwouldhavet
alkedt
oyou,
”Icoul d
feelsassymeawaki ngandwecan’taf
for
dt hatnow
Buhle,sojustcal
m down.Thi
sboyisaprince,he’s
nolonger‘ri
chboy’.

“You’
rest
il
lstubborn,
”hesayst
hatl
ikehehas
knownmef oryears.

“Andyou’resti
ll
…”Isighed.Li
khakhai
sapr i
nceand
Itr
eatedhiml i
keanor di
naryboy.Wel
ltobefairon
myselfhedidpr esenthi
mselfasanordi
naryboy
andbeingar oyaldoesnotexempthimfrom beinga
‘
boy’.“I
sthereanythingyou’
dmet odoforyou,”I
asked.

“
Yespl
ease;mar
rymenowandgi
vemechi
ldr
en
thatlookexact
lyli
keyouandnot hingli
keme,”he
says.Iwanttosaysomet hingbutIknowifIsay
anythingImightbef i
redf
oroffendinghi
m.Itooka
deepbr eat
hinandt henout.

“WhenIsai
danyt
hing,
Imeantanyt
hingwi
thi
nmy
power,
”

Hesmiledandsaid,
“Getmef
ood,
I’
m
hungr
y…please”

“OKgoandshower ,andIwi l
lfi
xsomethingf or
you,”hetookast epforwardandItookast epback.
Het ookanotherforwardandIwasn’tpreparedt o
playthatgame.Hei slookingatmestraighti
nt he
eyesandever yinchofmewant stocr
awl undera
blanketandholdmybr eat
hforever
.

“Thankyou,
Ilookf
orwardt oeati
ngyourfood,
”he
smiledandl
eftmefrozen.Icl
ingedmyfistswi
ll
ing
mysel ftobreat
henormallybefor
eIdie.Ineedto
callmybr other
s,Ineedtotel
ldadthathewasr i
ght
,
thatri
chboyi sapr i
nceandthatmyhear tbeat
s
reall
yf astwhenhetalkstome…

“Umboni
le…umboni
le,
mhleneh?”(
Didyousee
him…di
dyouseehim,he’
shandsomeright
)Mary
showedupoutofnowher
e.

“
No,he’
sjustaboy…he’
sal
lyour
s,”Imademyway
t
otheki
tchen.
Igavehim amasi f
rom ear
li
erand–l i
kehisfat
her–
hewant edsugar .Heli
keditandal soaskedmet o
mar r
yhim, inresponsetothatIshowedhi m my
middlefinger;whichhelaughedatandsai ditwas
cute.ForsupperIam maki ngrice,chi
ckenandthe
vegetablesZukiswapickedforme.Wi thin20
minutest hearomahadspr eadt hr
ought heent
ir
e
house.
“Ndi
lambil
ekwakhona,”(
I’
m hungryagain)Iturned
andfoundhim standi
ngagainstt
hef r
idge.Ididn’
t
evenhearhim coming.I
’
m notupf ort
hesmal lt
alk;
someonemi ghtjustwal
kinandseeust al
king.

“Nkosana,Idon’tli
ketobedi
stur
bedwhenI’
m
cooking;pleaseexcuseme,
”Isai
dtryi
ngnott
o
soundr ude.

“hmm…okay, ”helef
timmediat
ely.Thankheavens.
Firstofal
l…Ihavesomanyquest i
onsforhi
m.He
showsupoutofnowher e,buysmyf amilyf
oodt hen
disappear
s…nowsuddenlyhe’sapr i
nce.Something
doesnotaddup.Ineedanswer sandIneedt hem
now.

Bythe20:00everybodywasseat edwait
ingt obe
ser
ved.IwasIandoutoft hekit
chenser vi
ng.
Zuki
swahadt oleaveearl
ytodaysoI ’
m onmyown.
Hekeepsstari
ngatmef rom acrossthetable.Idi
d
l
ookathim andblinkedr
epeatedlytr
yingtogethim
tol
ookawaybutnop…ni
ggaj
ustkepthi
seyesf
ixed
onme.

“There,
”Isai
denthusiast
ical
lyasIplacedaplateof
beforehim.Hesmellsgood;Icannotfaulthi
m on
that.Imademywaybackt otheki
tchentocleanup.

“
Nobuhl
e,
”Ipausedbyt
hedoor
.

“
Nkosana,
”Iwalkedbacktothet
abl
e…sl
owl
ythi
s
t
imeandlessenthusi
ast
ic.

“Wher e’
syourfood, ”heasked.Hi smom was
l
ookingatmesmi ling…Ihaven’tdi
shedf ormyself
butsomehowIcannotbr i
ngmysel ftosayt hat.I
fearwhathewi llsaynext .“Uxolobant’abadala,
”
(Excusemeel der s)hewal kedupt ome, tookmy
handandt henledmet othekitchen.“Phaka,”(di
sh)
hesai dswall
owi ngt heremainsoff oodi nhis
mout h.Iobeyed.“ Let’
sgo,”hesignaledmet ogo
bef
orehi
m.

“
Ohno!li
bala,
Iam notgoingtoeatwi
thyour
f
ami
ly…never”
(for
get
)Iprotest
ed.

“
Ngoba?
”(why?
)

“No,andi
zukwazi…”(Ican’t)he’swait
ingf orabett
er
excuse.“
Likhakha,Ican’tsitt
hereanddi newith
yourfamil
y,I’
l
ljuststi
ckoutl i
keasor ethumb.I’m
notli
keyouguys…I ’
mj ustahel per
.Goandeat ,”

“Youcar etoomuchwhatpeopl esay,whyisthat

?”I
hadnor esponse.Hetookthepl
atewithhi
mt othe
dini
ngr oom.“ Buhl
e,yourf
oodisgett
ingcold,
”he
shouted.Hel pme!
Hemadespaceformenexttohim.Ihaveanapr
on
onandIsmel
lli
ketheki
tchen…savemesomebody
pl
ease.
“Hl
alasisi,
hewant syoutodinewi
thus,”saidhi
s
mom.Wi t
hallduerespectmama;Idon’
tdine,Ieat
.
Ismiled,t
ookofftheapronandhungitonmychai r.
Therewaseyesgl uedtomeandIwasget ting
uncomf or
tabl
e.

“
Areyougoi
ngt
oeat
?”heasked.

“Yeah,
”Iwhisper
ed.Idon’
twantasi
ngl
epersont
o
hearmyvoice.Ij
ustwantthi
shourt
obeoversoI
cangoanddi epeacef
ull
y.

“
Buhle,yourfoodi
sdel
ici
ousonceagai
n…”
his
f
athersaid'

“
Enkosit
ata,
”

“
Socooki
ngdel
ici
ousf
oodi
sat
hing,
”Li
khakhasai
d
underhi
sbr
eat
h.

“
Whywoul
dyoudot
his?
”

“Justeat …”ancest orsandgodsandsuper natural

power s,Ineedyout ohel pmetocalm downandl et
thismomentpassr i
ghtnowsoIcanki llt
hisboy
andt hengobackhome.Thankyou.It r
iedtoeatbut
Iwast ooner vousandt ooawareofmy
surroundi ngs.Hewasl ooki
ngatmeagain,this
ti
meIt ookaqui ckglanceathimthenbackatmy
plate.“Whydoyoudot hat,
”hewhisper
ed?

“What?
”If
eell
ikeal
it
tl
eki
dwi
tht
hiswhi
sper
ing
backandf
ort
h.

“Lookatmet henlookaway,
whycan’tyoujustl
ook
atme,”theconfi
dencehehasisenvi
able.
“
Maybeit’
sbecauseIhavenodesi
rel
ooki
ngatyou
mypr
ince,
”hegiggl
ed.

“I
’m guessingthatiswhyyourcheeksturnr
edand
pi
nk,”Ihavenost rengt
hforthi
sboyhonestl
y…Iam
defeated.“Lookatme”hesays.Iam tr
yingtonot
smile…”lookatmeNob…”

“
Nkosi
,
”hi
sfat
heri
nter
rupt
edhi
m.

“
tat
a,”

“
IhopeIwon’
thaveanypr
obl
ems,
”theki
ngsays
wit
hasmir
k.

Ever
ybodyar
oundt
het
abl
elaughed.Idon’
tgeti
t…
“Tat
a,r
elax.I
twon’
tbeaprobl
em i
fyoudon’
tleti
t,
”
hesaysalsowit
hasmirk.
[
01/
05,
13:
34] :ENTRY19
Afteraf ewroundsofgoi ngbackandf ort
hbetween
thekitchenandt hedi ningroom theroom had
start
edt oclearup.Itookt helastpil
eofdishest
o
thekitchenwi t
hthei ntenti
onofcomi ngbackwitha
wetdishcl othtocleant hetable;Il
eftLi
khakhawit
h
hisfatherchatti
ngandl aughingoverabottl
ewine.

"Don'
tfor
getaboutRose,"Ihear dhisfat
hersayjust
asIwasaboutt otur
nt hecornerandent eri
ntothe
dini
ngroom.Idon'tknowwhyIpausedandl i
stened
from t
heothersi
deofthewal l.Icontr
oll
edmy
movementssoIwon' tbemade.

"Ohjah,
her
,"Li
khakharesponse.Buthisr
esponse
soundsver
yobli
gator
yandper funct
ory.

"
Shecan'twai
ttomarryyou,"Ican'tseetheking'
s
f
acebutIcantel
lhe'
ssmi l
ing.Ifeelali
tt
lestabin
mychestwhenIhearthat'
richboy' i
sgetti
ng
mar
ri
ed.There'
sjustanunusualbur
ninmychest
.It
t
ast
esli
kedisappoint
ment.

"Ewetat
andi
kuvi
le,
"(Yes,
fat
her
,Ihear
dyou)he
says.
"Iseet
hewayyou' r
elooki
ngatNobuhl e,
"hi
sfather
saysandmyeyesi mmediatelywiden,"
comeon
nyanayou'
veonlyjustmether,youreyescan'
tbe
gluedonherl
ikethat,
"headds.Ohmy!Thi sboyis
goingtomakemel osemyj ob.

"
Ungakhat
hazekit
ata,
"(don'
twor
rydad)

"She'
sverybeautif
ulbutsadlyshe' sacommoner
andshecomesf r
om averydi sadvantagedfamily.
Girl
sli
keherareafteronething,"theburni
ngi nmy
chesti
ncreases.Isqueezethedi shcl
othwil
ling
myselftocal
m down.

"
Andwhat
'st
hat
?"Iam ascur
iousashei
s.
"
Moneymyboy.
..
moneyandyouhavepl
ent
yof
t
hat
"

"Don'tsaythattat
a,she'
snotliket hat
..
.Iknowher,
"
heclearshisthroataft
erherealisesthathejustt
old
hisfatherheknowsme.They' renotsupposedt o
knowIguess. ..
Iwouldn'
twantt hem to.

"
Umazi
kanj
ani
,
"(howdoyouknowher
?)

Ther
e'safewsecondsofsil
encethenhesays,"
I
mean,shedoesn'
tlookl
iket
hattype,
"goodcover
up.

"She'
sjustapoorgir
llookingformoney,"Iam not
poor,i
fmybrothersheardt hethi
ngsthi
smansays
aboutmeandmyf amily;they'
dburnthi
senti
re
placedown."Igavehert hejobbecauseshe'
sreal
ly
goodinthekit
chenandshei sveryni
ceand
respectf
ul.Butsheisafemalel
ikeanyotherf
emale,
sodon'tlethergetint
oyourpantsandespeci
all
y
notintoyourwallet
.

"Don'
ttal
kaboutherli
kethattat
a.Webothdon't
knowherwellenoughtomakesuchaccusations
andconclusi
ons.Shelooksli
keaver
ynicegirl
..
.I
l
ikeher,
"

"AndRosei sanevenni cergirl

..
.i
ntombi
yasebukhosini."I
'm scared;ift
hisiswhattheking
thinksofmet hen...
."Nobuhle!!
"Thekingsingsmy
nameandInear l
yletoutascr eam.Itipt
oedbackto
thekitchenandst artedmovi ngthi
ngsaroundto
bringlif
eint
ot hekitchen.ThenIr ushedbacktothe
diningroom.

"
EweNkosiyam,
"(
YesmyKi
ng)

"
Tomor
rowpl
easegetmewat
erf
rom t
her
iverand
hidei
tinmyroom"hegi
vesmeani nst
ruct
ionand
theni
mmediatel
yst
andsprepar
ingtol
eave,I
suppose.

"
Akhongxakit
ata,
"

"
I'
llbeinbedifanyoneneedsme.Nyana.
..
kusasa,
"
(
son...
tomorr
ow)

"
Kusasat
ata"(
tomor
rowdad)

Hegi vesmeasof tsmil

ewhichIr eci
procate.The
mant hatsmiledatmelooksnothingli
ket heman
thatjustspokeaboutme3mi nutesago.WhenI
couldnol ongerseehim outofthecornerofmyeye;
Istartedcleaningthet
ableandLikhakhast art
ed
stari
ngatme. ..

"
Stopl
ooki
ngatme,
"Isaywi
thoutl
ooki
ngathi
m.
"Ineedyout
olookatme,
"hesayst
hatl
ikei
t’
sa
command.

"
Iam notsupposedt
olookatyou,
you'
ret
hePr
ince
r
emember ,
"

"Youar
enotmeanttodi
sobeymeei
ther
,"Idon'
t
knowwhenhestoodupbuthewasappr
oachingme.

"
Iam notdi
s..
."

"ThenlookatmeNobuhl e,
"heinter
rupt
sme.Heis
ri
ghtinf r
ontofme.Ifeell
ikebr
ingi
ngupRosebut
howwi llIexpl
ainhowIknowabouther.

"No,"Isai
dausel
essandsoftnoundermybr eath.
Hishandi sonmyface.
..
Ican'
tlookathi
m soI
droppedmyeyes.Helif
tedupmyheadwi thhis
i
ndexf
ingersot
henIcl
osedmyeyes.

"
Lookat
..
."

"No"Ialsointerruptedhi m.Ifelthishandwr apping

aroundmywai standIf eltsosaf eandsecured.Hi s
eyesar ehazelBr ownandhi seyebr owsar ethi
ck
andbl ack;l
ikemybr others.Ifelthi
m pull
ingme
closertohim unt i
ltherewasnospacebet weenus
andt henIreali
sedIhadopenedmyeyes.Icanf eel
hisbreathcolli
dingwi thmi neatmi d-ai
r.Whyam I
notmovi ngort ell
inghimt ost
op?Ishoul dbe...
this
mani sget t
ingmar r
iedandIam notaboutt omea
mi st
ress.Hecamei ncloserandt henIfel
thiscol d
l
ipsonmyf or
ehead.Lor dhesmel l
snice…

"Goodnight,
"hewhisper edashewasr el
easingme.
Iwavedathi m outoflackofwor ds.Hegi ggl
edand
walkedaway.Hewentupt hestair
sthen
disappearedinthecorner;that
’swhenIexhal ed,I
hadnoi deaIwashol dingmybr eath.Iprobably
wouldhavepassedouti fhehadst ayedanylonger.
Itouchedmyf acewill
ingmyselftowakeup.Am I
ruini
ngamar ri
age?Wel lt
echni
callytheyar
en't
mar r
ied..
..
nononoBuhl e,youdidn'
tdoanything.
Youj ustfr
oze.
..
that
'sall
.
[
01/
05,
13:
35] :CHAPTER4
ENTRY20
ItwasVuyi swa’sturnt omakebr eakfastsoIused
thattimet oquicklyr ushtot her i
verandgetwat er.
Mar ysuggest edIchar m oneoft hedr iversunti
l
theyhavenochoi cebutt odr ivemebutIobvi ously
didn’tgowi ththatsuggest ionbecausef i
rstofal
l;
no–andsecondl ywher ewoul dIevenst artwith
seducingaman.I tsjustnotmyf ort
e.Yest er
day
keepsr eplayinginmyheadandIcan’ tgetoverhow
hekissedmyf orehead.Thel asttimeIsawhi m;
that’
sbef orehemi raculouslyt ur
nedi ntoapr i
nce,
hekissedmyf orehead.ThatwaswhenIchased
him outofmyhome.
Wait!Iknowt
hiscar
.Itst
oppedrightnextt
omeand
ofcourseIwal
kedevenfast
er.Icanhearthedoor
openi
ng.Andnowhei
srunni
ngaf
terme.

“
Goodmor
ning,
”hesays.

“
Nkosana,
”

“Unj
ani,”hesaysandhej ustl
it
erall
yputsmeof f.I
donotunder standwhyhekeepsbot heri
ngme
whenheknowsgoodandwel lthatthi
sisjusta
reci
pefordisasteranditannoyst hepret
tyoutof
met hathethinksjustbecausehe’sapr i
ncehecan
getanythinghewant sandwhenhewant sit
.

“Ok,l
ookLikhakha…Imeannkosana;unlikeyouI
havealottodosopl easetakeyourf
ancycarand
pret
tyfacesomewher eelse.Somewherefaraway
fr
om mepl ease…anddon’tcomeback,”Isaid.

Her
aisedhi
seyebr
ow,
smi
rkedandsai
d,“
Ohso
yout
hinkmyf
acei
spr
ett
y,”
Isi
ghed.Thatsi
ghwasapr
ayerf
orGodt
ohel
pme
tost
aycomposed.

“
Thatwasnotacompl
iment
…”Iwal
kedevenf
ast
er.
“Kantiyi
nton’
i
ngxakiyakho,
”(Whati
syourpr
obl
em)
hepickeduphi space.

“Li
khakhajonga, t
hef actthatyou’reapr incedoes
notchanget hatyou’r
eaguyandf rankly;andi nalo
i
xeshalamakhwenkwe”( Idon’thavetimef orboys)I
i
ncreasedmypaceaf t ergett
ingmypoi ntacr oss.
Hestoodf oraf ewsecondsIt hi
nkt r
yingt ofat hom
whatIjustsaid.I’
m notsur ewhet heritsdawni ngon
himthatheneedst oletmegoorhei sjustof fended.
Hisfootst
epsar ethumbi nglouderandf aster
meaninghe’sr unni
ngaf t
erme.Icamet oast op
whenhebecamest at
ionar yr
ightbeforeme.

“
Nobuhl
e”hesays,
“thatwashur
tful
.”Okay,
not
of
fendedbuthur
t…

“
Thenletmego.Letmegoandgetwat
erf
oryour
f
atherandpl
e…”

“Nonono…l i
sten.”Thi sbet t
erbewor thitbecause
thedeterminationinhi sfacei smot i
vatingmet onot
walkawayf ort het hirdtime.Hecamei ncl oserand
i
nmyhead;Iam not i
ngdownt hingsIwi l
ltellhim
assoonashei sdonet alki
ng.Forexampl e,hecan’ t
keepinvadingmyspace.Li t
er all
y.Ilookedt ot he
l
eftandmyeyesmetabl uer ondavelatadi stance.
Hisbreathhitsmycheekandt henitimmedi at el
y
getsdistr
ibutedtot herestofmybody.Iwonderi f
mybr eathorscentorevensmi leorvoi cedoest hat
tohim;orsomet hing, anything.Iwonderi ft ohi m
am Ijustanothergi r l
.Likethosegi rl
sthatal ways
taghim onFacebookandI nst agr am.“Neverever
callmeinkwenkweagai n,ndaayaent abenimna
ndabuya,”headds.He’ shur tbecauseIcal l
edhi ma
boy…that’
sit.Ihur thi sbigroyal ego.Iturnedmy
gazebackonhi m.Ij ustcouldn’thelpbutgi ggle
undermybr eath…thisiscute.Hei sdef endinghis
manhoodr i
ghtnow.“ What,wenzaningoku?
Uyandi hl
eka?”(whatar eyoudoi ng?Ar eyou
l
aughi ngatme? )heaskedandInodded.Hesmi led
andIsmi l
edtoo.Iattempt edt opushhi m away,
gentlybuthewasont ome.Hewenti nf ori
t…he
kissedmeont hel i
ps.Thisismyf irstkisseverfrom
aguy.Ist oodonmyt oesandwr appedmyar ms
aroundhi sneck.IhopeI ’m doingt hisrightbuti
t
feelssor i
ght.Hisarmswer et i
ghtl
ywr apped
aroundmyl owerback.Hel i
ftedmeup, spunme
aroundt henheputmedown.

“Yazi
,nam bendi
yokh’amanzi,
”(Youknow, Iwas
alsogoi
ngtogetwat er)hewhisper
swhi l
ewe’rest
il
l
ti
ghtl
ywrappedaroundeachot hertr
yingtomake
senseofwhatjusthappening.

“
Wher
e’syourbucketkexakunj
alo?
”
Hesai ditwasi nt hecart henIt oldhimt ogoand
fetchitandhecamebackwi thabot tl
eofcoke
whi chhadsomel eft-overcokei nitbuthepour edit
out.Hehel dmyhadandwewal kedt other i
ver.I
t
wasni ce…Icer t
ainlydidenj oyhi scompany.Het old
meaboutt hef i
rsttimehesawme.Hesaysheand
hisdr i
vercamef r
om behi ndmeandsomet hi
ng
aboutt hewayIwal kedf ascinatedhim.Il ooked
backf ornor easont hat’swhenhecaughtagl i
mpse
ofmyf aceandi mmedi atelyaskedhi sdrivertoslow
downbesi demet henhewentf ori t
.Hisdr i
verwas
therewai t
ingforhi m.

“Yourri
deishere,
youcango, ”Isai
d.Idon’twanti
t
togetweir
dwheni t’
stimef orhimtoleavemeandI
can’ti
nthecar.Wejustkissedandhel dhands,I
havenoideawhatitmeansbuti tdefi
nit
elydoesnot
meanIcannowgeti nt
ohi scarandgetdr i
ven
aroundwit
hhim.Icer t
ainl
ywoul dnotwantt hat
.

“
No,
I’
m wal
kingwi
thyou,
”hesays.
“Wi
thme?Backt
oyourhouse?
”henoddedwi
tha
smi
le.

So,wewal kedbackandhet oldmeabouthi s

chil
dhoodasapr inceandanonl ychil
d.It
oldhim
aboutmi neasmyf ather’
sprincess.Iknowhe
movedt ot
heUSwhenhewasver yyoungandhe
studi
ed2cour ses–busi nessmanagementandt he
otherhesaidhe’dtel
lmesomeot herti
me.People
werel ooki
ngatus,IknowI ’
dal sostar
eifIwasnot
mer ightnow.Wear ejustawei rdpair
.Wefinal
ly
arri
ved!

“Yourhouseisreal
lybi
g,”Isai
daswebot hgazed
uponit.Tr
uthful
lyt
hatwasawayofst al
li
ng,Iguess
Iwantedhimt osaysomethingsi
gnif
icant;
somethingthatwouldmakeeveryt
hingmakesense
aft
erwedepar t.
“I
tsnotmyhouse”
,”hi
seyeswander
edar
oundt
he
yard.“
Yet
”headded.

“Oh!Nkosana, howareyou? ”shitMary,she

curtseyedbeforehim.Ihopeshedoesn’ tt
hinkwe
didwhatweact ual
lydid.Apparent
ly;sheisvery
protecti
veofwhatbel ongstoher;forexampl e,
Likhakha.“Nobuhle,
”thesmi l
eddisappearedwhen
sheacknowl edgedme.Hergazeandt hetoneinher
voicesentchill
sdownmyspi ne.Shet hencleared
herthroat.

“I’
l
lbei nside,”Ileftthem.Icoul dhearMar ytalki
ng
non-stop.Ilookedback…I ’
m notsur ewhybutt hank
heavensIdi dbecauseoureyesmetandhe
i
mmedi atelysmi led.IfMarywassmar t
;shecoul d
havenot icedt hatthemanst andingbeforeherwas
turni
ngr edandpi nkandi fshehadnot i
cedt hatshe
wouldhaveseent hathewasn’ tatalll
ookingather .
Iwenti nsidemyr oom andr emember edthe
bucket…Il ef
tt hebucketout side.Ihopehet akesit
f
ormebecauseifIgobackther
enowwi t
hMary
t
herewit
hhi
m, i
t’
llj
ustl
ookandfeelwr
ong.Ther
e’s
aknockont
hedoor.Iopened…i
t’
shim.
“Whatar e…”Idi dn’tevenf inish, hecamer ightin
andshutt hedoorbehi ndhi m.Hehadmeagai nst
thedoor ,Ihavenoi deahowIgother eorwhenhi s
l
ipsst ar
tedi nterl
ocki ngwi thmi ne.Ifel
thi shand
goingdownmyback, i
twaswayt oolow.Hi sbody
pressedhar deragainstmi net hat’
swhenmyknees
startedget t
ingal i
ttlewobbl ybecauseIcoul df eel
hisever ything.Ourbr eat hingbecamel ouderand
calcul at
ed.Hi shandwentdownt henupundermy
skirt
, i
tfeltcol dandver yr oughonmyt highs.He
thenef f
ortlesslyli
ftedupmyt hi
ghandt hr ewit
aroundhi swai st.Ourbr eat hinggotheavi erand
heavi er…Iwantt odot hi
sbutIknowIwi llregretit
aftersoIneedt ost opi t
, now!

“Likhakha,
”Isaidbutmyvoicedi
dn’
tcomeout.Did
Ireall
ysaysomet hi
ngordidIimagi
nemyself
calli
nghim?becauseIdidn’
tevenhearmysel
fsaya
singleword.Icuppedhi
sfaceandli
ftedi
tupfrom
mychest,hegavemehi sattenti
on.“Weneedto
stoppl
ease,”Isai
d.ThoughIhavenoi deawhyI
saidpl
ease.Hekissedmyf orehead.

“Ok”hewhi
speredtr
yingtocatchhi
sbr eat
he.He
kissedmyf
oreheadagain.“
I’
m sorr
y.”

Ichuckl
ed,“met oo,
”.Hesmil
ed.Icuppedhi sface
andbroughtitdownt omyli
psandIpl antedan
i
nnocentkissonhi sli
ps.Hi
ssmileissti
llint
act,he
backedaway.

“
Umhl
e,
”(You’
rebeaut
if
ul,
)hesays.

Iacknowledgedthatver
ysincer
eandhonest
complimentwithasmi l
e.

“
Youshoul
dgonow,
”Isai
d.
“Jah, t
hat ’sagr eatidea, ”hecamei ncloserand
kissedmyf or ehead. ..
fort hemi lli
onthtimet hen
exited.Am Inotdead?Whati st hisboydoi ngt ome?
Aboyt ouchedmeanddi dt hattomeandIf eltpart
s
ofhi mt hatIhavenevereverf el
tbef oreand…I
thoughtmyZul uhunkwoul dbet heper sontot ouch
mel i
ket hat .Hei sdef i
nitelynotZul u.Iam st i
ll
tryi
ngt odeci dewhet herhe’ sahunkornot .This
Mondayhasbeenver ydi fferentfrom myusual
Mondays.Forexampl e;Ididn’twakeupt ofourmen
i
nt hesi tti
ngr oom wi thhandsi nt hei
rpant s
scratchingt hei rhairandyawni ng.Iwokeupt o
royaltywher epeopl ear eal wayspr operand
clean…nowt hatIt hinkofi t;Ihaveneverseent hem
i
nt heirni ghtwear .Unl i
keonmyusualMondays,
thisMondayIki ssedaboy.Thathasnever
happenedonmyusualMondays…oranyot her
Monday, i
nf actonanyot herdayoft heweek.What
i
fI ’
m slowl ybecomi ngr atchetlikeIsaidIwoul dto
mybr other s.

I
’
m out
sidehangi
ngt
hei
rver
yexpensi
vel
ooki
ng
clothes.Theki ngandqueenar ei nandoutof
meet ingstoday.Mondaysar ever ybusydaysf or
them andsowast hisMondayf ormysel fandt heir
son.Speaki ngofthei rson, Ihaven’tseenhi m
since…youknow.Vuyi swagotst artedwi thsupper
andIhel pedwi thpeel ingandchoppi ngandsome
unclesdeci dedtoslaught erasheep.I st hateven
all
owed, slaughteri
ngasheepoutoft hebl ueona
Mondayaf teroneo’cl ock?Itwoul dhavemade
mor esensei fitwasaFr i
dayorsomet hi
ng…Iasked
oneguywhatwast hecel ebrationandhesai dthe
ancest or
swantsomemeat .Him andIshar edavery
l
ongmomentwher ewej ustst aredateachot her.
Mygazesai d,“cutthecr ap”andhi s,“I’
m ser i
ous”.
ThenIendedupsayi ngokandwal kedaway.He
l
aughedbecauseheknewIdi dn’tbelieveawor dhe
said.Theyj ustwant edmeat ,slaughteredmeat .

Ididn’
teati tandr easonbeing;Iwalkedi
nthe
minutet heyst ar
tedcut t
ingtheneckandit
splatt
eredal loverme.Mygut stwist
edbecauseof
thesmel l.Icannotst andthesmellofani
mals.
WhenVuyi swawashal fwayt hroughhercooki ng
shegotacal lf
rom thequeent el
li
nghertonotcook
thattheywerebringi
ngsomet hingsoIhel pedher
sortoutthekit
chen.Hecamei ntothekit
chen
l
ookingsohappyandofcour seVuyi swawas
alr
eadyoutbyt hen.Ideci
dedt oboilthepotatoesI
hadal r
eadypeeledandkeept hem fortomor r
ow.

“Hey,”hesai d.Hedi dn’tevenal lowmet osay‘hi ’

back, hej ustplantedabi gwetoneal lovermyf ace
andIdi dn’tstophim.Ipl ayedal ongwi t
htheot her
kid.Theki dthatisget t
ingmar r
iedt oRose, a
princess.Lat ertonightIwi lll
etmysel fbeconsumed
byt hought sofLi khakhaLawr enceNkosi
Dal i
ndyeboorasmybr othersli
ket osay‘ Richboy’.
By21: 00ever yonewasst il
lup, chat t
ingamongst
oneanot her,eatingthemeatf rom ear li
erand
drinkingbeerandot hersexpensi velookingwi ne.I
wentonovert othekingandknel tbef orehi
m.

“
Nkosi
yam”(
Myki
ng)
Hesmi
led,
“EweNt
ombi
,
”

“Si
ncekusahlel
iwe,
ndi
celaukuphumakanci
nci
ndiyokr
obaekhaya,
”Imademywi shknownunt
o
him.

“
Ngoku,
”(Now?
)

“
Ewekumnkani
,
”

“Ok,youcango.Butplease,letmydri
vertakeyou
there,
I’
dneverfor
givemyselfifanyt
hingwer et
o
happentoyou,”Hesignaledhisbodyguar
dwho
alsohappenstobehisdrivertocomecloser.He
obeyed,hebentsothekingcouldwhisperintohi
s
ear.

“
Ready?
”thedr
iveraskedme.
“Letmegrabaj acket,
”Irushedupstair
st omyr oom
togetaj
acket–t heeveningwi ndi
sabi tchi
ll
y.I
foundt
hecarwai tingoutsidetheyardwithengine
onandeverythi
ng.Igoti ntothebackseatandput
onaseatbel
t.“Singahamba, ”

“Surpr
ise,”hel
ookedback.Thi
sisnotthedri
vert
he
kingassignedtome…thi
sisnothim atal
l.

“
Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iwaswhi
sper
ingbutI
wasshout
ingathim att
hesametime.

“I’
m dri
vingyouhome.Comesi twit
hme”hesaysi n
themiddleoflaughing.It
sfunnyhowt hi
sisnot
funnyatall.Il
aughedalong.Ijumpedtothef r
ont
seat.Where’stheotherguy?Howdi dheevenknow
Iwasgoi nghome?Wai t
…Likhakhai
sseatedr i
ght
nexttome, maybeIshoul daskhim al
lofthese
questi
onsr unningt
hroughmyhead.
“
Where’
stheot
herguy,
”Iaskedast
hewheel
son
t
hecarst
art
edgoi
ngaroundandround.

“
Rel
ax,
”hebr
ight
enedt
hel
ight
s.

“
Likhakha,youareintr
oubl
e,hewi
llr
epor
tyou…”
j
ustputti
ngitoutther
e.

“Heisinont hi
s;we’
resafe,
”heemphasizedont
he
l
astwor d.Irol
ledmyeyestosigni
fyhowmuchIdid
notagreewi t
hwhathewasdoi ng.“
HeknowsIli
ke
you,It
oldhimt hefi
rstt
imeIsawyou.He’sagood
fr
iendofmi ne…”

“t
hat’
sfunnybecauseIdon’tknowhowyouf eel
aboutmeandyourf r
iendsknow,”Ilookedoutthe
window.Cometothinkofithehasneverr eal
lytol
d
mehowhef eelsabout.Hejustkeptshowingupat
myhouseandever ywhere.
“Il
ikeyou,al ot,
”hesai dandIimmedi atelyregret
ted
sayingthat.Ididn’tmeanheshoul dtellmenow.
“af
terthelasttimewet al
ked,whenyouwer emean,”
Icoveredmyeyeswi thmyhand.Iwasqui temean
andIam ver ypr oudofmysel f
.“It
houghtI ’dget
overyoubutwhenIsawyouathome…i tallcame
back.Myhear tstart
edbeatingoutofcont rol,my
handsgotsweat yIwasj ustapussy…I ’
m al ove-
str
uckpuppy, ”

“Love-
str
uck,
”henoddedandwebothchuckl
ed.We
areoutsi
demyhouse.Befor
eweknockedMandla
hadopened.

“Hey, Richboy,
”hepassedmeandwentst raightto
Likhakha.Ihuggedeachandever yoneofthem and
Mzo’ shugl i
nger
edalit
tl
elonger.Theysti
llcouldn’
t
beleivethefactt
hathewast heking’
sson.They
wer eallyoungwhenher el
ocatedtotheStatesand
myf atherdidnotgetanyyoungerovertheyear s.I
l
ovedhowhegotal
ongwithmyfamil
y,Imeani
t’
s
notawkwar
dandhecanteaseMandl
abackwhen
tr
iest
obesmartwi
thhi
m.

“
Anyl
uckonj
obs,
”Iasked.

“
Justgigsher
eandt
her
eyouknow,
”Mzamo
r
esponded.

“Don’tworr
y, t
hemont hisalmostoverandIwi llget
myf i
rstpay.”Isaidreassuri
ngt hem.Icantel
lthat
Mzamowasst i
llnotcomfortablewit
hfactthatI
wast heonlyonebr i
nginginr ealmoneyhere.He
sti
llf
eelsli
keitshouldbet hem butdefi
nit
elynotme,
butitiswhatitisboet!

“Tata,
singathethaphandle,”(Canwet al
koutsi
de,
)
saidLikhakhaandIwasabi tstar
tl
ed.Sincewhen
doeshehavet alkswithmyf atherout
side.Weall
gaveeachot hert hatst
art
ledlookwonder i
ngwhat
t
hehel
ldot
heyhavet
otal
kaboutout
side.

“
So,ar
eyouguysl
ikeanitem?”Mandl
ahadt
obe
t
heonetoaskt
hatquest
ion.

“
No!Mandl
a…r
eal
ly?
”Isai
d.

“
Pleaset
ellus,
niyat
handana,
”(ar
eyoudat
ing?
)Mzi
j
oinedhi
m.

“
Please”t
henMzi
.Igi
veup.

Theywal kedinbeforeIcouldt r
ytoavoidanswer i
ng
thatquesti
on.Itwast i
mef orust ogoalr
eadyand
myhear twasal itt
lesad.Wewer ewitht
hem fortwo
hoursbuti tf
eltl
iketwomi nutes.Theywalkedus
out.Wesai dourgoodbyest hendr oveof
f.Ilovethe
factthatIcanhelpmyf amil
ywher eIcanbutI
cannotstandt hefactthati
tistakingmeawayf r
om
t
hem.

“
Likhakha,
”Ical
led

“
Yes.
”Hesang.

“Di
dyougi vemyfat
hermoney?”Iaskedl
ooki
ngat
him buthe’
seyeswereont
heroad.

“KancinciBuhle,ndi
saqhuba,
”(Holdon,Iam sti
ll
dri
ving)Oh!So, whenyouwerepr ocl
aiminghow
youf eelaboutmeyouwer enotdrivi
ng,Ithoughtt
o
mysel f.

“Pl
easeanswerthequesti
on,
please,
”Ibegged
becauseIdidn’
twantt
histot
urnintoauselessand
weight
lessargument
.
“
Yes!Igavehi
m money.
”Hi
stonewasf
ir
m.

“
Mal
ini
?”

“
Doesi
tma…”

“Ma-li
-niLi
-kha-kha,
”myvoicetookonat
hick
staccatorhythm.Eachsyll
ablemademyloat
hing
forhimi mmensel ycl
ear
.

“
Five…”hesays.

“Hundred,
”hetookaquickglanceatme.Ihaven’t
takenmyeyesof fhi
m.“Thousand,”henodded.
Doesthisguyjusthavemoneylyingaround?“so,
youjustal
wayshaveani nsaneamountofmoney
l
yingaround,
”Ijusthadtoask.
“Mydadhasasecretst
ashinthecar
,thi
scar
”he
can’
tevenl
ookatmer i
ghtnow.

“
So, yout
houghtyoushoul
dgi
vemyf
atherwi
thout
l
ett
ingmeknow? ”

“
Woul
dyouhavesai
dyes?
”

“No,ofcoursenot
.Myf
ami
lyi
snotachar
it
ycase,
”I
prot
ested.

“Ididn’tsaytheywere,damnitNobuhle,
”hehitt
he
steeringwheelandt hecarhooted.Heparked
carelesslyoutsi
dehisfather
’sgateandIli
ter
all
y
fl
ewout .I
’m notbi
gonar gui
ng…

“Nobuhl
e…”hewasbehi
ndme.“
Nobuhl
e…j
ustwai
t
hel
l!
”hegotahol
dofmyarm.
“
Likhakha,
ndiyekeman,”It
ri
edt
orel
easemysel
f
f
rom hisgri
pbutfai
led.

“Whyar eyousost ubborn?Whydoyoucar eso

muchaboutwhatpeopl et hi
nkorknowaboutyou?
Whywon’ tyoujustaccepthelp?”histoneisal i
tt
le
aggressivethereandIdonotl ikeitonebit.Idon’t
l
ikebeingshout edat,whichisironicbecauseI
shoutatpeopl ealotwhent hey’vedonesomet hing
wrong.

“Idonotcar ewhatpeoplesay!Ijustdon’
twant
peoplecomi ngint
omyl if
eandst artshower
ingme
andmyf amilywit
hmoney.Whati fyouwakeupone
dayanddeci deyouwantyourmoneybackandwe
can’tpayyouback? ”Ipaused,shi
ftedmywei ghtto
onesi de.“
Areyout r
yingtogetbetweenmyt highs?
Isthiswhatearli
erwasabout ?
”

“You…wow…classi
cNobuhle,j
ustcl
assi
c.That
’s
hurt
ful
.Don’
tyouthinki
fthi
swasaboutsleepi
ng
withyout henear l
ierwhenIhadt heoppor tuni tyto
actuallyf*****ghavesexwi t
hyout henIwoul dn’ t
havest oppedwhenyoucl earlyaskedmet ost op.I
stoppedbecauseIr espectyouand…”her eleased
myar m, “
AndIl i
keyousomuch…Iwi shyou’ dsee
thatandst opt hi
nkingsuchhor ribl
et hi
ngsabout
me, ”inwhi chwor lddoest hisguyact uall
yt hi nkhi m
andIcoul deverbeanyt hingsol i
dandgenui ne?
“Listen,Iwi l
lnotst ophel pingyourf amilybecause
ofyourpr ide.Ican’ t…I’m sorry.”Hepul ledmecl oser
thenpl antedaki ssonmyf orehead, hislipsl inger ed
alittl
elongert here.“ I
’m goingt obr i
ngi nt hecar ,
goodni ght.”Hel ef
tmest andingi nthemi ddl eoft his
yard.Iam soconf used.Ineedal coholandcocai ne.
Whatconf usesmet hemosti st hathebel i
evest hat
him andIwi llbetoget heronedayandl i
vehappi ly
everaf ter
.Icanheari ti
nhi st oneandseei ti nhi s
eyes.He’ si sconvinced.Isai dsomehor ri
blet hings
tohi m andIr egretever ywor d.Iwi l
lapologi zei nt he
mor ning,fornowl etmet rytogetsomesl eep.
[
01/
05,
13:
36] :ENTRY22
At9:
30Ist
art
edhangi
ngt
hecl
othesIhadputi
nthe
washi ngmachi neear li
er.Myheadi snother e,
I’m
nother e…Ihaven’tseenLi khakhaandIam l ow-key
wishingIcouldbumpi ntohim somewher einside
thi
sbi ghouseandapol ogi
zef orlastnight
.Isai d
somepr et
tymeant hingsandIf eelbad.Iam having
alightbulbmoment ;hedi dn’tcomedownf or
breakfastthi
smor ning,maybeIshoul dtakesome
foodupst ai
rsforhi m, maybef ruit
s.Somet hing
quickandeasy…Ihopehe’ sst i
llinther
e.
Ican’tknock.I’
m scared.Whati fher ejectsme?
Whati fheturnsmeaway?Whati fhedoesn’ twant
toseeme?Whyam Ipani cking?Ihat ereject
ion,i
t
makesmef eelsick.Ioncelikedt hi
sguyi nhigh
school;hewasapopul arguy, goodl ooking.Every
gir
lwant edhim andeveryguywant edt obehi m,I
forgothisname.Butatapoi ntwegotdet ent
ion
togetherandhei ndir
ectl
ytoldmeIwasn’ tcool
enoughf orhim.Thatwasmyf irstr
ejectionandt i
ll
thi
sdayIst il
lrememberi tl
ikei thappenedf i
ve
minutesago.
Iknocked.
Nor
esponse.
Iknockedagai
n.
Noresponse.Il
etmysel
fin.Hi
sbedi
snot
done…whereishe?
“Likhakha,
”Icalledout .Ther ewasno
response…maybehehasl eftalready.“ I
tsme,
Buhl e,
”asifthatwi l
lmakeanydi fference.Iwent
i
nt ohisclosetandf oundhi m busyonhi slapt op
wi t
hheadphoneson.Atl eastIknowhewasn’ t
i
gnor i
ngmeonpur pose.Het ookagl anceatme
thenbackatt hel aptop.Ok.Ir egretcomi ng
her e…makemedi sappear .Iplacedt hebowlof
fruitsri
ghtnexttohi m.Het ookof ftheheadset s
andf i
xedhiseyesont hebowlal mostconf used.
“Youdi dn’
tcomedownf orbreakfastsoIt houghtI
shoul dbri
ngyousomet hingt oeat…”Isai dal so
fi
xingmyeyesont hef ruit
s.Par ti
cularlythegr apes.
“
Thankyou,
”hesai
d.Hel
ookedupatme.
“Andbendi
funanokuxolisaaboutwhatIsai dizol
o,”
Imurmured.“Iam tr
ulysorr
yLikhakha.”Whyi sn’
t
hesayi
nganyt hi
ng?Myhear tisstar
ti
ngt oburnand
Ihat
eitwhent hathappens…Ihateit
.“Likhakha,I
am sor
ryf
orever
ythi
ngIsai
dlastni
ght
,thatwas
wrongofme…”
Imademywayt othedoorbecauseIam not
preparedt
ost andhereandtal
ktomyself.Besi
des
that,
myeyeswer estar
ti
ngtotearandt
hereisno
wayIam lett
inghim seemecr y.
“Nobuhle,
”hesai
d.Iwasr
eadyt
opul
lthedooropen
butIstopped.

“
Yeah,
”Isai
dandcl
ear
edmyt
hroat
.

“Honestl
y,Idon’
tknowwhataguys’ gott
odot o
i
mpr essyou.Youaresodi f
fi
cultandstubborn,
”he
says.Whatisthis?”
onemi nuteyou’
returni
ngpink
andpurplethenthenextyou’r
eblue.Itol
dyouthatI
wanttobewi thyou,
”Iimmediatelyf
acedhim.

“Ihaveneverbeenwit
hanyone.IfIl
ikedaguy;he
neverli
kedmeback…ifaguyli
kedme;Ineverl i
ked
them back.I
t’
sscar
ybecauseIthinkIact
uall
yli
ke
youandIdon’
tIunder st
andwhyaguyli
keyou
wouldwantagirll
ikeme…ohwait
,Idon’
tthi
nkIl
ike
you,IknowIl
ikeyoubecauseIl
etyouki
ssme,”
l
ist
ent omemumbl i
ngaway…

“
andIdot
heeyet
hing…”headdedhi
sli
tt
ledet
ail
.

“Yes,thattoo…andIfeell
ikefai
nti
ngwhenyou’re
around.Ispeakal otofcrapsometimes,
”Icansee
him sl
owl ycreepi
ngupt ome.“andwhenyoudo
that…”Iadded.

“
What
?”

“That
!Whenyougetcl osetome…Igetweakknees
andthatmakesmewantt olaughbecauseitti
ckl
es
i
naway;butatt hesamet i
me, Ican’
tlaughyou
mightthi
nkI
’m crazy”
“AndwhataboutwhenIdot hi
s? ”heleanedinfora
kissbutbef
oreourli
pscoul
dt ouch;Iint
err
upted.
ThisisnotwhatIcameherefor.

“I
fIwereyou,Iwouldn’
tki
ssmebecauseIwi l
lnot
l
etyou…”Isaid.“
Iknowyouar eget
tingmar
ri
ed.
Pleasedon’
taskmehowIknow…Ij ustdo.
Nonethel
essIam happyforyou,
”Itookast
epback.

“Ifyougotyourinfor
mationright
,you’
llalsoknow
thatIdon’twanttomarryher,”hesaystakingast ep
closer.I’
venot
icedhowhi m andIarealwaysdoi ng
that.Itakeastepbackandhet akesast epcloser.

“Yes!Iam awar eofthat

.ButIam heret oworkand
notthis.Ifthi
ssomehowcomesout ;Iwi l
lbein
trouble.Youareaprincesoyoudon’ tgetint
o
trouble,
”Itookastepcloserandwrappedmyar ms
aroundhi sneckashewr appedhisar oundmywai st
.
Ikissedhi sfor
eheadandsaid,“
justgetmar ri
edand
forgetaboutme…”
Hechuckl
ed!“
Youmakei
tsoundsoeasy…”

“Ihavesomet
hingt
otel
lyou,
maybei
t’
llmakeyou
happy,”

“
You’r
epregnant
…you’
l
lmarr
yme,”t
heexci
tement
i
nhiseyesgrewwit
hever
ywordhesai
d.

“
Wedi
dn’
tevensex”Isai
dlaughi
ng.

“
west
il
lhavet
ime,
plusyousmel
lsogood…”

“
Listen,youweremyfir
stki
ss…”Isai
dandhesmi
le
mischievousl
y.Thi
sboy…

“
Andyoursecondandyourt
hir
d…”hesmi
rked.
“
Okaybyebye”
,Ir
eleasedmysel
ffr
om hi
sar
msand
wentf
ort
hedoor.

Ok!ThankGodt hat’
sbeensortedout.NowIcando
whatIcameher eforandthati
st owork.Iwasi
n
t
her oyalr
ondavelwhenMar ycreepeduponme.

“
HiMar
y!”

“DoyouknowwhatIhateNobuhl
e?”shesai
d,I
thi
nkherdemeanori
ssupposedt
ointi
midat
eme
butsheneedst
otryhar
der

“
No!butIf
igur
eyouwi
llt
ellme,
”

“
Yes!Iwi
ll
…Ihat
eli
arsandbackst
abber
s,”

“
Weshar
ethesamesent
iment
s.Evenbackst
abber
s
andl
iar
shat
ebackst
abber
sandl
iar
s…i
sn’
tit
i
roni
c?”

“Youaregett
ingtooclosetot
heprince.Whatwere
youdoinginhisroom thi
smorni
ng? ”sheasks.My
heartj
umpedt her
eforasecondbutIgat her
ed
myselfhopef
ullywit
houthernot
ici
ng.

“Mar y,
youneedt ocal m down.Youknowt hatIam
thei
rper sonalhelpersoIam boundt obecloseto
him andhi sparents,
”Iam r eal
lynotl
ooki
ngtostart
afightoveraguywi thMar y;especi
all
ynotwit
h
Mar y.

“
That
’sal
l?
”

“Ewe…Ineedtogobacki nside,
”Il
efther
.Idon’
t
wanttohearanythi
ngel seshehast osay.Notnow.
I
sitcrazythatIf
eell
ikeLi khakhaandIbrokeup?
Yes–i ti
s.Iti
sverycrazy.Onaser iousnot
ethough;
someoneneedst
otal
ktoMar
y.Shei
scr
azy…t
his
i
sn’tnor
mal.

Wel l
!Itsbeenaweeksi nceLi khakhaandI‘ broke
up’.Ourr elat
ionshipisst rictlyprofessionalthough
somet imesIcat chhim st aringatmeandIal so
stareathi mf rom ti
met ot i
meandheal socat ches
mebutwebot hquicklylookawayandwenevert alk
abouti t
.Iwentt oseet heboysyest erday,thatmade
mehappyandt hingsar est arti
ngtof eelnormal
again.Mychestst i
llt
ingleswhenLi khakhaspeaks
tome.I t’s00:12andIcannotsl eep.Iam st aringat
thecei l
ingcalcul at
ingthingsIhavenobusi ness
calculatinginthef i
rstplace.Tomor rowIam goi ng
towearmyyel lowandwhi tedresswi thwhi t
e
pumpsf rom MRPr ice.Mandl aboughtt hisout f
itfor
me, i
tscut e.Myphoner ings…i t
shi m.Whatdoeshe
wantatt hi
stime?

“
LIKHAKHA,
”Ipi
ckedup.
“INEEDYOUTOCHANGEMYBEDSHEETS.THESE
AREITCHINGME,
”hesays.

“ATTHISTI…HELLO…LI KHAKHA,”hedroppedthe
cal
lonme,hedr oppedthecal
lonme…me.
Amongstothert
hings,Ihat
eitwhenpeopledropa
cal
lonme.Itisveryrudeanddisr
espectf
ulIcan’
t
gother
e…notnow!

ButyetIfoundmyselfi
nhisroom taki
ngouthi
s
pi
ll
owcases.Ithinkhe’
sintheclosetort
he
bat
hroom soIwillmakethi
squickandbeoutof
her
ebef orehecomesback.

“
Iwasj
oki
ng,
”hesai
dappear
ingf
rom t
hecl
oset
.

“
Thenuf
unant
oni
?”Ir
est
edmyhandont
hehi
p.

“
Ineedcompany…I
’
mlonel
yandIcan’
tsl
eep,
”
“
Likhakha…”
“Iwon’
ttouchyouwi thoutyourper missi
onand…”
hesquintedhiseyes.“Idon’ tneedthatkindof
company.Ihavemusi candsomesnacksher e,
ngena.Ijustwantust obet wonor malpeople
havi
nganor malconversation”(comei n)Li
khakha
wil
lneverbeanor malper son.He’ sapr i
nceandI
don’
tthinkhefull
yunder standst helevelof
abnormalit
ythatis.

“okay,
thatsoundsnice,I
’dli
kethat.
”Heushered
mei nt
ohiscloset
.There’
sonlyonechouchher e,
howar ewegoingtodot his?“Ndi
zohlal
aphi
?”I
asked.

Hesignaledmet oholdonbywavi nghisindex

fi
nger.Hethenrushedintothebedroom andcame
backwithallt
hepill
owshecoul dgrab.Hethrew
them onthefl
oorthenlookedatmel i
kehej ust
savedtheworld.Aft
erscrol
lingt
hroughhismusi c,
hefi
nal
lydeci
dedtoset
tleforLaur
enHi
ll
…Ial
so
l
ookedthr
oughhismusic,heknowshi
smusicI
mustsay.

“Youl
ist
ent
othi
s?”Isai
dpoi
nti
ngataBoys2Men
CD.

Hegiggled.“Il
ist
ent
oeverythi
ng,
”hesays.“
Tel
lme
aboutyourself
…what
’syourstor
y?”he’
sonthef
loor
,
I’
minthecouch.Bothstari
ngatthecei
li
ng.

“WhataboutmeLikhakha?I
’
mjustagi
rl.Iwantt
o
bealawyerbutt
hat’
sbeenputonhol
d,”Isai
d.

“
Ngoba?
”(Why?
)

“f
inances…butI’
l
lmakeaplan,
”IsaidandIbeli
eved
myself.Ij
ustgenui
nel
ybeli
evedwhatIjustsai
dand
onceIbelievei
nsomethi
ngIdoit.Igofori
tandI
al
waysmakei
t.

“Il
ikethat
,”Il
ovetheambiancei
nher
e.I
t’
sver
y
cal
mi ngandtherapeut
ic.

“Tel
lmeaboutRose,
”whyt
hehel
ldi
dIj
ustaskt
hat
questi
on?Soawkward!

“She’sbeaut
if
ul…ver
y!Andshe’snice.Ver
y
energeti
candcolorf
ul,
”hesays.Isenseabut
coming.

“
But
,”Ist
arti
tof
fforhi
m.

“
Butshe’
snotforme.She’
stoomat
eri
ali
sti
candI
l
ikeagi
rlwhoknows…youknow,
”

Igi
ggl
ed.“
No,
Idon’
tknow,
whoknowswhat
?”
“Whoknowswhatt osayandwhent osayit,agirl
whot hi
nks.WhenIlookatmymom, Iseethet ype
ofwomanIwantt omar r
y,Imeanmymom i sa
queen;l
ikeawholequeenbutwheni t’
sti
met oget
downanddi r
tyshedoesn’tshyaway,”heloveshis
mom.Icanheari ti
nhisvoice.He’
sreall
yfondof
her.

“Il
ikeyourmom.She’sr
eal
lyniceandhumbl
eand
shehast hi
scrazyi
deat
hatI’
donedaymakea
greatqueen,
”Isay.

“
Thati
smymom,
”-
him.

“
Hey!Yousai
dyouhadsnacksher
e,”Ir
emember
ed.

“Il
ied!
”hecar
elessl
ysaid.It
ookasmal
lpi
ll
ow
behindmeandt hr
ewitathim.
Ohno!it
’s08:
00.Isl
epther
e…i
nhi
scl
oset
.Wi
thhi
m.
Br
eakfast
…Sh*t!

“
Wakeup!
”Igavehi
m aki
ckandhewasup.

“Yi
ntoni
…yintoni?
”( Whati
sit?
)helooksstartl
edand
Ial
mostwantt olaughbutthi
sisnottheti
me.He
l
ookedatwher ehewasandwhohewaswi th.“Oh
shi
t!
”,ever
ythingstart
edmakingsense.“Calm
down,”

“
Likhakha,
youneedtocalm down.I
’m cal
m…”he’
s
t
heonehyperventi
lat
ingher
e.Hetookmyhandand
l
eadmet othedoor.

“MayIkissyou?”hesaysoutofthebl
ue.He’
snot
ser
ious…notatall
.Hefel
titwasbestt
oaskmethat
now.
“
What?!
?”thepi
tchofmyvoi
cewenthi
gh.“
You
wantt
okissme…now?”

“Ipr
omi sednott
otouchyouwithoutyour
permission,
”hel
ookssoholyandinnocent.

“
I…Ihaven’
tbr
ushedmyt eet
h,”myeyesf el
ltot
he
f
loor
.Honestl
y,Iam j
ustmakingexcuses.

“Met oo,
”heli
ft
edupmyheadandki ssedme.I
couldsmellandtastehismorningbreathasIcan
i
magi nehedoesmi ne.Imisshim…andIl i
kehima
l
ot.Myhear tf
eelssomet hi
ngforhi
m, somethi
ng
genuine.“
Youarekilli
ngmeNobuhl e,Ili
keyoua
l
ot.”Hetookthewor dsri
ghtoutofmymout h.

“
Ineedt
ogo,
”Isai
dbur
yingmyf
acei
nhi
sneck.
“
Ili
keyou,
whatdowantmet
odo?
”

“Don’
tdot
hatLi
khakha,
notnowpl
ease,
Ineedt
o
go”

“
Wai
t!Ican’
tdot
hispr
etendi
ngt
hinganymor
e…”

“
We’
l
ltal
klat
er,
”Idon’
tmeant
hat
.

“
Youpr
omi
se?
”

“
Yes,
Ipr
omi
se,
”Ipl
ant
edaki
ssonhi
scheek.
[
01/
05,
13:
36] :ENTRY23
Upongetti
ngint
omyr oom Iwashedmyfaceand
brushedmyteet
h,It
ri
edtolookdecent
.Li
keI
bathed.
“Nobuhle,
”that
’ssi
sZuki
swa,hervoi
cei
svery
parent
alIcouldnevermi
ssi
t.Icameoutal
lready
andeveryt
hing.“
Uli
boni
lei
xeshant
ombazane
ndi
ni?”(
didyouseetheti
me)sadl
yIdidsi
s
Zuki
swa.Shedoesn’tl
ookhappywit
hme.

“Bendi
phethweyi nt
lokoizolondat
hat
haiipi
li
si,
I
oversl
ept.Uxol
o,”(IhadaheadachelastsoItook
somepi l
ls…I
’m sorry)Idef
endedmy
unprof
essional
ism wi t
hal i
e.

“Kulungil
ekesisi,
sekutyiweisidl
osasekuseni
ungazikhathazindiboneubamandi vel
endisenze,
”
(I
’vealreadymadebr eakfastsodon’
twor r
yaboutit
)
shesaysl ooki
ngconcer ned.Ihaveneverbeenso
gratef
ultoher.Shel i
ter
allysavedmybutt…what
wasIgoi ngtosayordor eall
y?
Iqui
cklyt
ookabat hbecausewell;Ididn’
tbath.I
woul
dnevergetusedt othisshoweringthi
ng.Itr
ied
i
twhenIfirstmovedi nandmyhai rgotwet…sonop!
Notforme.AfterthatIti
dieduptheki ng’
soffi
ce,
j
ustregul
ardustinghereandt her
e…
“
AreyouNobuhl
e,
?”It
urnedmyat
tent
iont
othe
doortofindaguar d.Inodded.“
Pleasecomewi t
h
me, t
hekingwoul dliket
oseeyoui mmedi at
ely,
”he
says.Idroppedeverythi
ngIwasdoi ngandf oll
owed
thi
sgentleman.Ihopet hisi
snotaboutear l
ier
…but
ther
eisnowayheknowsaboutt her ealr
easonas
towhyIwasl at
e.I’
m surehewant stosendmeon
anerrand.

“
I’
m Nobuhl
e,
”Isai
dtryi
ngt
omakethi
sjour
neyt
o
t
hekingl
essawkwardandscar
yonmycase.

“
I’
m Duke,
andIknowyournameal
ready.
”hesays.

“Yeah…youdo.Whydoyoukeepl
ooki
ngar
ound?
You’r
elooki
ngforsomeone?
”

“
It
’sprotocol
,I
’ml ooki
ngforanyt
hingsuspi
cious.
Whatareyoulooki ngf
or?
”heasks.Iwasn’tawareI
waslookingaround.
“IguessI’
ml ooki
ngforwhatyou’relookingfor,
”we
bothgiggl
ed.Heleftmebyt hedoor .Imademyway
i
n…he’saloneandhedoesn’ tl
ookhappy.Thi sis
aboutearl
ier…Iam i
ntroubl
e.Ikneltbeforehim.
“Nkosiyam,”Isai
dwi t
hmyeyesgl uedt othef l
oor
.

“Iknowyouwer ewithNkosilastnight
,”Ididn’tsay
anything.Ikeptmyheaddown;i tseemslikethe
bestdef enseatthi
spoint.“
Ulalanendoda
etshatil
eyo,”(
youaresleepingwithamar ri
edman)
hesays.Hesoundssosur eofwhathe’ ssaying.
Likhakhai snotmarri
edandbesi desIdidn’tnot
sleepwi thhim.

“
Nkosiyam…asi
zangesi
…”

“Thul
a!.
..
thul
a!”(shutup!
)hecutmeshor t.Il
ift
edup
myheadandoureyesl ocked.Heimmediatel
y
l
ookedaway.Idi dnotsleepwithhi
sson;andeven
i
fIdid,whyisn’thehere?Whyam Ifaci
ngt hisalone?
GoshIknewt hiswouldhappen…Iknewit!“Jongake,
natsii
ntoezokwenzeka,
”(Thi
siswhat’sgoingto
happen)whatisthi
smandoi ng?“WhenLi khakha
getshereyouaregoingtotel
lhimthatallyou
wantedwashi smoneyandnot hi
ngmor e,”

“Ican’
tdothat
…Iwon’t
”Iprot
ested.Li
khakhawil
l
notbeli
eveme.I’
dli
ketobeli
evethatwit
htheli
tt
le
ti
mewespentt oget
herhe’
dwoul datl
eastknowthe
thi
ngsIwouldandwouldn’
tdo.

“Itakei tyouwantt ol
oseyourj ob,thatl
it
tl
eboxofa
houseyoucal lhome…yourweakf atherandyour
brothers?Icanmakeal loft hathappen–donot
under est i
matethi
soldwr inkledman, ”heisserious.
Hewant smet oli
e…Ican’tlietoLikhakha,it’
l
lhurt
him andIdon’ twanttohur thim becauseIlovehi m.
Yes–Il ovehi
m.Hecal ledf orDukeandi nstructed
himt ogetLi khakha.Whilewewai tedforLikhakha
hedi dn’tsayawor d,hedidn’ tevenlookatme…how
thehel lam Igoingtogetmysel foutofthismess?
“Ewet ata…kuqhubekantoni,
”(yesfather
…whatis
goingon? )Ohno!Ican’
thurthim.Ican’t
.Icoul
d
feelhiml ookingatmeandIj ustcan’
tlookathi
m.I
am tryingsohar dtokeepthesetearsatbaybutI
am fail
ingdi small
y.

“
Speakyoungl
ady!
”hesai
dst
ernl
y.

“Ndi
xel
eleNobuhle,sukhal
a”(Tel
lmeNobuhle,
don’
tcr
y)hesays.Het henkneltbefor
eme,cupped
myfacethenhuggedme.“ Areyouokay?Did
someonehurtyou?”howIwi shthatwast
hecase.

“
Thet
haman!”(
Speak!
)hi
sfat
hershout
edand
j
umpedal
it
tl
e.

“Tat
acal
m down…heck!
”hesai
dlooki
ngoverhi
s
shoul
der
.
“
Don’
ttouchmepl
ease…”Iut
ter
ed.

“
Ican’tl
etyougo,
you’
recryi
ng.Tel
lmewhat
’s
wrong.Whyshoul
dn’
tItouchyou?”

“Idon’
tloveyouorlikeyouorwhatever.Ij
ust
wantedyourmoney. ”WitheverywordIsaidmy
heartr
atedecreased.Itf
eltl
ikeIwasstabbing
myselfi
nt hechest.

“
That’
snottr
ue.Youhatedmef orgi
vingyourfami
ly
money,
”Il
ookedovertohisfat
hertr
yingtotel
lhi
m
t
hathedoesn’
tbuythi
sstorybecauseheknowsme.

“I
twasal lpr
etense.Vulaamehl
oNkosi
…”(
Open
youreyes)hisfatheradded.

“
Hei
stel
li
ngt
het
rut
h…”Isai
d.
“Ukhal
elanikengoku?Somethi
ngisnotri
ghther
e…”
(t
henwhyar eyoucr yi
ng?)Li
khakhai
snotdumb, he
wil
lfi
gureeverythi
ngout.Thi
soldman’sstor
y
doesn’
taddup.Atal l!

“Sheiscryingbecauseubhaqi we,j
onga,”(sheis
cryi
ngbecauseshegotcaught …look)hepulledout
awal l
etfr
om somewher e.I
’
m al i
tt
le
confused…whosewal letist
hat?Het hrewinont he
fl
oorandi tlandedrightinfrontofus.“Thatisyour
wall
etandi twasf oundi nherroom.”

Wedidn’tagreeont his,hedidn’tsayanyt
hingabout
awall
et.Ididn’ttakehi swallet.“Nowimaginei
fshe
wasn’
tcaught ,shewasgoi ngt okeepsteali
ngfrom
us,
”Ifel
tLikhakha’ shandsl owl ylet
ti
nggoofmi ne.
Iwant
edt ohol dont ightandj usttel
lhimthetr
uth
butmaybet hisreallyneedst ocomet oanend.

“Li
khakha,
”Iam hopi
ngthathesti
lldoesn’
tbel
ieve
anyofthethi
ngswe’r
etell
inghi
m.
“Don’
tspeakNobuhl e,”hesaidpi ckinguphi swallet
.
“Thesadpar taboutthisi
st hatIactuallyloveyou;
butmyf atherwasr i
ghtaboutyoual lalong.You’
re
nothi
ngbutagol ddigger,”hekill
edme.Heki l
led
mysoulandspi r
it
,hekill
edever yfiberofmybei ng
downt otheverylastatom ofmyexi stence.

“
It
’snott
rue,
“Iwhi
sper
edt
omysel
f.

“Thef**kdoyoumeani t
’snottruewhenyouj ust
f**
*ingtoldmeyoursel
fthatyoufeelnothingforme.
Youdisgustme…dealwithhertata”heleft
.Ihat e
thi
sman.Thi soneti
meIf i
ndaguyt hatactuall
y
l
ikesmeandIl ikehi
m backandhecomesandr ui
ns
everyt
hing.

“
Goodjob!Thisst
aysbet
weenusandstayaway
f
rom hi
m,”theki
ngsoundsr
atherpr
oudofhi
mself
.
“
Iwant edt
opayf orschoolt
ata,
”Iweptbefor
emy
f
atherandtheking.Yes!t
hebastardcal
ledmy
f
ather…heplannedthi
swholethingout.

“Nobuhle,wayifundiswandi ml entouyenzayo?”not
evenmyownf atherbeli
evesme.Ishookmyhead.
Likhakhawalkedi nandmyhear tstart
sbeati
ng
faster
,pleasetellmehei sher etosayheknowst he
trut
h,thatsomehow, hefiguredthiswhol et
hingout.
“Iam sosor r
yson, ”myf athersayst ohim.

“Don’tworr
yaboutyourj obyounglady,youcanstil
l
keepitbutZukiswawi l
lbetaki
ngoveryourdut i
es
fornowandyouwi l
ljustbeageneralwor ker
,”t
he
kingsays.Idon’twantit
…Idon’twantthisstupi
djob.

“
Youarever
ykindNkosiyam.Godbl
essyou,
Ican’
t
t
hankyouenoughf
orwhatyou’r
edoi
ngformy
f
amil
y,
”dadsays,
Myf atheraskedthatIsl eepathomet onightand
comebackaf t
er2days.Theki ngagreed.NowIwi l
l
havetof acemybr others.MaybewhenIgethome;I
shouldjustspeakthet ruth,butthenI
’dhavet o
explai
nwhyIwasi nhi sr oom thi
smorning.At
20:15theboysarr i
vedanddadi mmediatel
ysatus
alldown.Wear eaboutt odi scussme…I’vebeen
dreadingthi
smoment .

“Tat
a,didsomethi
nghappen,
”Mandl
aasked.I
’m
j
uststari
ngatthefl
oorwai
ti
ngtobecruci
fi
edbymy
brot
hers.

“Nobuhle,
”myfat
hersays.“Thef oundt hepri
nces
wall
etinherr
oom andshehasbeensl eepi
ngwi t
h
him,
”hepaused.Iguessthi
si sthehar destpartf
or
him.“Formoney.
”Hefinal
lyletsitout.Ili
ft
edupmy
headtof i
ndMzamoandMzi lookingatme.

“Iwascall
edovert
otheroyalhouse…i
t’
sal
ltr
ue.
Yoursi
sterisabi
ggir
lnow,ulal
anamadoda
ngoku…”dadsays.

“
Itwasj
ustLi
khakhat
ataandi
t’
snott
rue…”Isay.

“Likhakhahasbeennot hingbutgoodt ousandyou

dot histohi m…Buhl e,”
-Mzi.Hesoundsr eal
ly
disappoi nted.Theki ngisthekingandhehas
everythingandwehavenot hi
ng.IfIt
ellmyfami l
y
thet r
utht heywi l
lgoandconf r
onthim andLikhakha
willalsoevent ual
lyknow.Thensl owl
ymyf ami l
y
willdie…I’veseent hisinmovies.“So–becausewe
couldn’tt akeyoutouni versi
tyyouthoughtopening
l
egsf orment ogoi nandoutast heyplease…”he
sighed.

“Theki
ngwasgener
ousenought
onotf
ir
eher
…”
dadadds.

“
Buttost
ealf
rom hi
mthoughBuhl
e,comeon”
-
Mandl
a.
“
Hayi
!Undi
phoxi
leNobuhl
e,
”-
dad.

“
Nam t
ata,
”-
Mzi

“Metoo,”-
Mandl a.Mzamoi sbei ng
uncharacter
ist
icall
ynon-ver balaboutt hi
sissue.It
’s
unli
kehim…heshoul dbef umi ng.Iaskedt obe
excused,i
tseemedt hattheyhadnot hingelseto
say.BeforeIcouldjustcloset hedoor ;Iheardmy
sayhehopesIwasn’ tpregnant .

It’
sinthemorningandIdi dn’tsleepawi nk.The
thoughtofmyf atherthinkingIam notvi rgi
n
anymor ej
ustkil
lsme.Mybr othersaidIopenmy
l
egsf orment ogoi nandoutast heyplease.
Likhakhacal
ledmeagol ddigger .Icoveredmy
mout hwit
hbot hhandst omuf fl
et hesoundofmy
cry.Ihel
dmybr eat
hef orawhi l
ehopi ngthatI’
d
die…
“
Shh”
Icr
iedevenlouder
!Idon’
tknowwhothati
sbutt
hey
hel
dmet ightf
rom t
heback.“I
t’
snott
heendoft
he
worl
d,”i
t’
sMzamo.

“Nooneunderst
andsandnoonebel
ievesanyt
hingI
say…i
t’
snotokay.
”

“Forgetaboutpeopl
e.Weallhaveourr
easonsfor
doingthethingswedeci
detodo…peoplewil
lnever
alwaysunder st
and.
”Hesays.

“
ButIdi
dn’
tdoanyt
hing…”Ishoul
dn’
thavesai
dthat
.

“Whatdoyoumean?
”It
houghtaboutspeaki
ngup
butt
henIremember
edt
heking’
sthreat
s.
“Youwon’tunderst
and…Idon’twantt
otal
kabouti
t,
”
Isatupstrai
ghtandfacedhim.Healsosatup
str
aight
.

“Ifyou’r
enotr eadytotalknowi tsokay…butI’m her
e
andI ’
m yourbr other
.I’
lll
ist
entoyou.Iknowt he
thingsyou’recapableandt hisisjustnot
you…t her
e’sanexpl anati
on.”Ihaveneverbeenso
gratefulf
orahumanbei ng’
sexistence.Lookingat
Mzamor ightnowgi vesmehopet hatIwillbefi
ne
andIam notal one.
[
01/
05,
13:
38] :ENTRY24
Febr uar y27,t
hishasnotbeenagr eatmont h;from
Likhakhat r
eati
ngmel i
keaslave,t
omyf athernot
l
ooki ngatmei ntheeye.Hedoesn’ tevencal lme
princessanymor e;onecanonlyimagi newhathe
thinkswhenheseesme.Oh!ImetRose, Li
khakha’s
fi
ancé.She’ sni
ce.Shet ol
dmeLi khakhawar nedher
againstherbutshesai dshedoesn’tbelievet he
rumor sandshecont inuestobenicetome
regar dlessofwhatshehear d.Thekingwasver y
smar tthoughImustsay;hedi dn’
ttel
lhert
hatI
sleptwithLikhakhabecauseshe’l
lmostprobably
talktohim aboutitandLikhakhahasnoideathat
wesupposedl ysl
epttogether
.Igotpai
dyesterday,
I
gavet hemoneyt omydadandhegaveme
R1000…f airenough,Iguess.

Ihar dl
ycallt
hem nowbecauseourconversat
ions
haver uncoldthoughMzamocall
sandweact ual
ly
talk.MziandMandl a…t
hat
’sadi
ffer
entcase.Iwas
cleaninghischairwhenhewal
kedinandinstruct
ed
met oexcuseme.

“
What
’swrongwithme,”Iaskedhi
mli
ter
all
youtof
t
hebl
ue.Ineededtoknow.

“
Andi
landel
i
,”(
Idonotf
oll
ow)

“
What’
swr
ongwithmethatyou’
ddosuchacr
uel
t
hingt
omeandyourson?
”
Li
khakhaisveryfondofyou,Isawiti
nhiseyest
he
fi
rstti
mehemetyou.Ndi ngat
hiuyakut
handa,
”(I
couldsayhelovesyou)

“Butwhat
’swrongwithlovi
ngaperson?Thatisa
goodthi
ng,”IhavenoideawhyIam havingthi
s
conver
sati
onwi t
hthi
smanwhohascl earl
ymade
uphismindaboutthi
ssituat
ion.

“He’
smyonl yson,”hesaysremorsefull
yandf
ora
second,
justforasecond,IcouldseethemanIfi
rst
metwhenIwal kedthroughthosegates.

“
AndIam myf
ather
’sonl
ydaught
er…”Isay

Hechuckl
ed.

“
You’
reasmar
tyoungl
ady,
”hesays.“
Likhakhai
s
thenextkingandhehast omar ryaroyalot
her
wise
Iwouldhavef ai
ledmypeopl e,
theancestor
s,t
he
throneandhim…i fhemarri
esyouanyt hi
nghe
touchesshallperi
shbecauseyourbloodisnotfr
om
aroyalli
neage,”

“
Thenwhydi
dn’
tyouj
ustt
ellhi
mthatt
ata…”

“Li
khakhawoul dn’thavecar edaboutt raditi
on.My
forefatherssati nthesamechai randnoneoft hem
fai
ledi nanyway.Ir efusetobet hefir
stkingt ofai
l
byhavi ngmysonmar r
yjustagi rl
…Irefuse! ”I
guessMzamowasr i
ght…weal lhaveourr easons
fordoi ngthet hingswedoandsomet imesnot
everyonewi llunderstand.Ithi
nkf rom mygazehe
couldt ellthatIdidnott hi
nkhi ghlyofhim anymor e.
Theref ore;feltt
heneedt ojusti
fyhimsel f
,“ Nobuhl
e,
I’
m st i
llthesameol dking,thesamemanyoumet
heret hef i
rstdayyouwal kedthr oughthose
gates…al lIdidwast okeepmyf ami l
yinl i
ne.Your
fatherwoul ddot hesame, ”
“Firstl
y,t
hedaywemether ewasn’tthefi
rstti
me
LikhakhaandIwer emeeti
ng.We’vemetbef ore,he
appr oachedmel i
keaboydoesagi r
l.Secondly,
my
fatherwouldneverhur
tmel i
kethisandthirdl
y,
you’ r
enoki ngt
ome…youar ej
ustamani na
cost ume.”Iwal
kedoutgi
vinghi
m nochancet osay
anyt hi
ng.

Thought hissolvesnot hing, If

eelal it
tl
ebet t
erthatI
atleastgavehi mj ustal it
tlebi tofmymi nd.His
underst andwhathei st ryingt odo.He’ sjusttrying
tomakesur ehi
ssonmar riesr i
ght.Hedoesn’ twant
tofailhispeople.Imeanever ysinglepersont hat
knowsLi khakhai swai t
ingt oseewhi chprincessis
hegoi ngt ointr
oducet ot heel ders.AsIcani magine
everypr incessisr eadyingt hemsel vesfor
mar r
iage…butt hatdoesnotj ustif
yhi sacti
ons.Atal l
!
Appar ently;mydadcal ledandaskedt hatIsleepat
homet onightsot hat’
swher eIam r i
ghtnow.
WhenIgothome, Ionlyfoundmyf at
herin.hetol
d
met hatt heboyst ookasmal ltri
pt otakecareof
smal lbusiness.Theyal wayst akeofbusi nessbut
theynevert akeat ri
ptot akecar eofthisbusiness.I
saidokaybecauseIdi dn’twanthi mtol ashatme.
Heseemedpr ett
yof fandl i
tt
let i
psy…itjustdi
dn’t
makesensewhyhe’ dcallmet osleepoverwhenhe
won’ tevenlookatmei nt heeyeorbet t
eryethavea
conver sati
onwi t
hmeasi def rom ournor mal
perfunctorysalutati
ons.

Thet i
menowi stenf ort
yf ive;Ihearvoi cescomi ng
from thelivi
ngr oom.Iwonderwhat ’s
happeni ng…butIam goi ngt ost ayputunt i
l…Idon’t
know.Isatupst r
aightandt extedMzamo;
somet hingdoesn’ tfeelrightatal l.Iam act uall
ya
l
ittl
escar ed.Letmej ustcal m down, it
’sprobably
nothing…Iam sur ei t’
snot hing.Theyal wayshave
theirfri
endsoversoIhavenot hi ngt owor r
yabout .
Suddenl yitgotqui etbutt hey’r
est i
llhere.Ididn’t
heart hedooropeni ngorcl osingandourdoor
makesl oudsqueakynoi seswhenopeni ngand
cl
oses.Thecurt
ainshif
tedtothesi
de,Iseeaman
standi
ngther
e.Verylar
ge;hi
ssizeisi
ntimi
dat
ing.I
knowit’
snotdad…it
’snotanyoneIknow.

“Tat
a,”Ical
ledout.Myheartstar
tedbeati
ngfast.
Mydaddi dnotanswer …buthewasthereIheard
him.Whatiftheyhurthim?

“Mt hathendodasi hambe…”sai danunfami li

arvoice
from t hediningr oom.Hesl owl ywalkedupt omeat
thesoundoft heot herman’ svoice.Whatishe
goingt odo?Whoar ethesepeopl eandwhathave
theydonet omyf ather?Ther eisnowher etor un
andIcan’ tfi
ghtt hisman.He’ stoobig.Iknowmy
brother sarenother e…tear
sst art
edfall
ingdownmy
face, Iknowt hismani sgoingt ohurtmeandmost
probabl yhisf r
iendi sgoingt ohurtmet oo.He
stretchedouthi shandandgotahol dofmyar m,he
thenpul l
edmef or cefull
ybringingmet omyf eet.I
tri
edt opul lawaybuthi sgripwast ooti
ght.He
pickedmeupef fortlesslyl
ikeasackofpot atoes
andt hr
ewmeonhi sshoul
der.Ist
art
edki cki
ngand
screamingashewasmakinghi swaybackt othe
l
ivingroom.Isawmydad…hei sri
ghtthere.Why
didn’
therespondwhenIcall
edhim?Ther eare3
menwi ththebi
gfel
lowherebothwit
ht heirguns
out.

“Undisaphi?”(Wher eareyout akingme? )Icr ied.

“Tata,hel
pme, ”Icr i
edbuthedi dn’ tmove.He
wasn’tevenl ooki ngatme.Iki ckedandcr iedoutf or
helpbutmyf atherdi dn’tdoanyt hing.Whatdi dIdo?
Wher earet hesepeopl etakingme?Heexi tedwi th
mehangi ngacr osshi sshoul dercr yinghopel essly
forhelp.From t hisposi t
ionIcan’ tseeort ellifany
neighborcanseewhati shappeni ngandatl eastt r
y
tohelp.Ilif
tedupmyheadandsawaf ewpeopl e
stari
ngbutnotdoi nganyt hing,“Ndi ncedeni …” (Help
me…)Icr ied.Noonet ri
edt ohel pme.Hel iter ally
threwmei nsideacarandent er
edaf ter
.Anot her
oneent er
edont heothersi deandt heot herwason
thewheel .“Pleaset ellmewher eyou’ retakingme.
Please…”Ibeggedbutnoneoft hem sai danyt hing.
It
’sl
ikeIam t
alki
ngt
omysel
fher
e.Theyar
enot
evenlooki
ngatme.

Inaboutf i
ft
eenmi nutesorsot hecarcamet oa
stop.Bigfell
owopened, gotoutandsi gnal edmet o
comeoutandIobeyed.Iknowt hishouse.Thi si
s
Rhadebe’shouse.Rhadebet her i
chguyswi t
h2
wivesandhel lofal otofchil
dr en.Whatt hehellam I
doinghere?Al otisnotaddi ngup.Bi gfellowlead
met oar oom.Iam sur et hi
sr oom hasn’tbeen
touchedinaver ylongt i
me.Ther e’
sdust
everywhereandi tsmel l
s.Isatont hefl
oorbecause
Iam notaboutt ositont hatbed.Iam col dand
scaredandal one.Iam liter
allyshakingandmy
prayeristhatthereisaval i
dexpl anati
ont othisand
thattomorrowIwi llwakeupandmybr otherswillbe
hereandIwi llbefine.

Bigf el
lowcamebacktofet
chme,hetookmet o
theirli
vingr
oom andsatmedown;onthef
loori
n
front3ol dmenandRhadebehi
mself
.
“
Sukhal
antombi,”(
Don’
tcrygi
rl)Rhadebesays.
“
Wipeyourtear
s”hesayssoft
ly.

“Uyazazikut
heniul
apha?”(Doyouknowwhyyou
arehere?
)Theol dmanwi t
hwhitehairasks.Ishook
myhead.Ihavenoi deawhat’
shappeni ngoldman.
IfIdi
dIwoul dn’
tbecryi
ngnowwoul dI?

“
Uzokwenda,
”(Youar
eget
ti
ngmar
ri
ed)hesays.

“Ndizokwenda…nabani?.
..
”(Getmarri
ed…with
whom? )Myvoicebecameboldandl oudagain.Wai
t
waitwai t
…Ithi
nkthi
sisoneoft hosethi
ngswherea
younggi rli
smarri
edofftoanoldmanwi t
hher
permission.Thi
sistot
all
yit…

“WithRhadebe,
”onemansays.Iam
fr
ozen…Rhadebeisol
denoughtobemyf
ather
’s
olderbr
other
.
“
Never
!”Ist
oodonmywobbl ytwofeet
.“Iwil
lnever
mar
rythi
sman.Ican’
t…andi
funi
”Iprot
ested.

“Unfor
tunat
elywearetel
li
ngyousowhenyousl eep
toni
ghtyouknowwhyyouar eher
e,”Rhadebesaid
andIli
teral
lyspati
nhisf
aceandmadeawayt othe
doorbutbigfel
lowbitmetoi
t.

“I
tstradi
tion;i
ndodaxai
bonai
ntyat
yambo
i
yayikha,”onemansaysandIcri
nge.Iwantt
o
scream anddie…

Rhadebecall
edforhi
sson-whoalsohappensto
bemyexschoolandcl assmat
e–Baxol
ele,and
i
nstr
uctedhimtotakemebackt ot
her
oom andlock
meinside.

“
Uxol
ouyeva,
”(Isor
ry,
)Baxol
elewhi
sper
edashe
l
eadmeinsi
de.
“Pl
easehel
pme,”myvoi
cet
rembl
ed.Idi
dn’
tthi
nkI
hadthi
smuchtear
sinme.

“
Wenzeni
,
”(Whatdi
dyoudo?
)heasked.

“Nothi
ng,bathindizomt shat
a…utat
’akho,
”(Theysay
I’
m marryingyourf ather)bythelookplast
ered
acrosshisfacet el
lsmet hathedoesnotappr oveof
thi
sbuthei salsoscar edofhisfat
her.Baxolel
ehas
alwaysbeenal onerbackatschool …thi
sexplains
everyt
hing.Heisscar edofhisdad.“Youhavet o
helpmeBaxol ele,please”

“Akhont
oendingayenzaNobuhle,
uxol
o…”(Therei
s
nothi
ngIcandoNobuhl e,
I’
m sorr
y)heshutthe
doorandlockedl
eavingmehopelessandweary.

Myeyeshurt
,Icanbar
elykeepthem openbutIdo
notwantt
ofal
lasl
eep.Idon’
tevenknowwhatt he
ti
mei sbuti t
smor ni
ng, Icanhearbi rdssi nging.I
am st i
lli
nt heni ghtdr essIwaswear ingl astni ght
whenIgotst olen.Iam col dont hef loor ,notat
home.Thi si sal lsti
llrealandmybr other sdi dn’t
comef orme…andmyf ather…hedi dn’thel pme.He
l
ett hem takeme.Tear sfelloutofmyeyesal lover
again.Iam t ryingtocont rolmybr eat hingbecause
atthispointIf eel i
fIdonotcont r
olmysel fImi ght
stopbr eathing, andI ’
dhavet owatchdeat h
consumemel ikethet imeIhadapani cat tackwhen
mamadi ed.Thi sti
meIwi l
lactuall
ydi ebecause
tataisnother et opl
ayGodandmybr ot herst he
angels.
[
01/
05,
13:
39] :CHAPTER5
ENTRY25
“Vukantombazanendini,
nak’ukut
ya,
”(wakeup,
here’
ssomef ood)Ifel
tacoldhandrestonmy
shoulder
s.Howl onghaveIbeenout?

“
Andi
lambanga,”(
I’
m nothungry)Isay.She’
sa
woman…she’
llhel
pmer i
ght.Letmet r
yher."Mama,
Idon’
twantt
ogetmar r
ied.Pl
easehel
pmeescape.
I’
mtooyoungfort
his.
”Isay.

“Umt shat
oayontoembi ,
”(marri
ageisnotabad
thing)shesayssmili
ng.Canshenotseet hatIam
dyinghere…”fut
hiakuhambingeminyaka,
”(andit
doesn’tgobyage)sheadds.“ Andkeumyeniwam
yindodaelungekakubigqit
ha;uzobonanawe…”
(Andmyhusbandi saverygoodman;you’ l
lsee)

“
Iam 19”

“
Kengoku?Lont oit
heth’
ukubaureadykaloksi
si…”
(
Andt hen?Thatmeansyou’reready)Rhadebe
walkedin.Iwi
llnotbeint
imidat
edbythisman…I
r
efuse.

“Khawusiphei
thuba,
”hesaystaki
ngasitonthe
edgeofthebedrighti
nfr
ontofme.Sheobeyedhim.
“Kungekudal
ayou’l
lbemyfavouri
tepossessi
on,
you’l
lbemywi fe…”hesaidandsmi led.Iwantedto
scream,Icannotimaginehavingthismanasmy
husband.Ispatri
ghtinhisfaceandbef oreIknewit
hehadsl appedmeacr osst
hef ace.Iwillnotcr
y…I
cannotmakehi mthinkI’
m weak.“Uyandaziukuba
ndingubani?”(
DoyouknowwhoIam? )Heasked.
Atthispointmyfacewasbur ningandmyhear twas
beatingoutofcontr
ol.

“You’r
eanani mal,
”Isaid.Hegiggled.Whereare
MzamoandMziandMandl aandmyf at
her?Ikeep
i
magi ningthem br
eakingdownt hatdoorand
rescui
ngme.Iknowmybr other
sar egoingtosave
me.Ijustneedtost ayali
veandnotbr eakdown
becausei fIl
osemymi ndIwil
lnotbeabl et
opick
myselfbackup.

“
Ok,let
’smakeadeal
.St
ayhereayeart
opsthen
l
eave…wecanwavethedi
vor
cecard,
”hesays.

“
What
?”
“Comeon, Idon’twanttomar r
yyou.Justkeepme
happyandofcour seIwil
lcompensateyouforyour
generosit
y,”canthismanhearhimselfwhenhe’s
speaking.“Andlookingatyou…hmm hmm hmm, ”he
brushedmyt hi
gh.

“Don’tt
ouchme,”Iviol
entl
yremovedhi shand.
Disgusti
ngol
dthing,“umdal atatandi
niawuziboni.
Unaboabafazibadebabinifuthi…”(Youareold…you
havewives,t
wooft hem)Hel aughedhi st
eri
call
y.

“Ezi
zintozi
gugi l
eyo, pleasemanIwantf reshblood
andjustlookingatyouhoneyi ssat
isf
ying;now
i
magi nehowi t
’l
lfeelwhenIt ouchyou,”(Theseold
thi
ngs)hel i
ckedhi slips.Howsi ckcanamanbe?
“See,yourfathertookmoneyf rom metogi veyour
motheradi gnifi
edf uneral.Zangeandi
bhat hal
e,
”
(Heneverpaidme)
“Ihaveajob;Iwil
lgiveyouever
ypennyIgetf
rom
thekingunti
lthedebtispai
doff.Pl
easel
etme
go…”Ibegged.
“Idon’
twantyourmoneyoryourfat
her’
smoney
anymore;Iwantyousweet
heart
,”hesmirked.

I’
vebeenher eforaweeknow, I
’
vebeenst uckinthi
s
room, l
ockedi nsidethesewal l
sl i
keapr i
sonerand
notoncedi dmyf athercomeandseemeormy
brothers.Iam breakingdown.Ihavenoaccesst o
theout si
dewor ld.Theyallowmet otakebat hsand
thegivemef ood.I’
m notsur ewhatt hetimei sbut
It’
slateIshouldbeasl eep.Thedoorcr eaked.No
onecomesi natt histi
me.Thedoorcl osed….whatis
Rhadebedoi ngher eatt hi
st i
me?Heonl ycomes
heretot el
lmet het hi
ngshewant stodot omeand
howmuchofal osermyf atheris.Onet i
mehe
actuall
ywat chedmebat heandhehadagunnextt o
himt heentir
et i
me.

“
Ufunant
oni
?”Iasked.Iknowwhathe’
sher
efor
.
Hedidn’tsayanythi
ng,hewalkedupt othebedand
Isatupstrai
ght.Hegrabbedtheblanketandthr
ew
i
tont hefl
oor.Hecli
mbedont hebed, Itr
iedt
o
moveawayf r
om him butheheldontighttomy
ankl
e.

“Don’ tmaket hishard,”hewhi spered.Iwantt o

vomi t.Hesl owlycameovermeandatt hispoi nt
,
ther ateatwhi chmyhear ti
sbeat i
ngi sf astenough
toknockmeoutandhonest l
yIwi shthatcoul d
happenanysecondnow.Letmej ustst opbr eathi
ng
thisver ysecond…Idon’ tminddyi ng;pleaseGod,
takeme.If elthisroughbighandmovi ngar oundmy
thighs.Hei sbi gandver yheavyonme.Hi seyesare
l
ockedonmi neandIam j ustfrozen,Iwantt o
scream butIcan’ tgetmyselfto.Fearf rozemet o
thesoul …theonl ythingIcandoatt hi
spoi ntisthi
nk.
Her ippedmyunderwearandt henwhi sper ed,
“Yenzel ’
utatawakho, ”(Doitforyourfat her)Iclosed
myeyesandpr ayed.“shhh”hesai d.
Iopenedmyeyesandr emember edIwasn’ t
compl ete.Iwasinphysi calandemot i
onalpain.A
manvi ol
atedmel astnight;hetooktheonlythingI
waspr oudof.There’sapar tofmethatdiedlast
night
…myhandsar eshaki ngIcan’
tevenf eed
mysel fandtheonl ythi
ngt hatcancurethisshaking
i
si fmyhandst akeakni feandstabitthr
ough
Rhadebeoverandoveragai n.Iwanttogetoutof
here,Iwantmybr other
s.IneedMzamo…whyar en’
t
theyher etohelpme?Thef i
rstwi
fecamei n.
“Yewethunenekazi
,khawutsho;abantubakowenu
bafi
kanini
?Kudalaulaphakalokngokuf uneka
ubengumfazinawe”(younglady,t
ellme;whenar e
yourpeopl
ecomi ng?You’vebeenhereforawhi l
e
now,youneedt obeawi f
e)shesaidnonchal ant
ly
.
Iweptandpleadedwi
thher
.“Pl
easehel
p
me…please,
”

Shelookedatmewi t
hsympathy.Shet
henclosed
thedoorandsatnexttome.Il
ookedatherst
rai
ght
i
nt heeyes.Iwantedhertoseet
hepainIwas
feel
ingsoshecoul dhel
pme.Iwantedhert
o
underst
andt hatshewasmyonlyhope.

“Ukulimazile? ”(Didhehur tyou? )Ididn’trespond.I

feelli
kei fIrespondandsayyest henever ything
woul dber eal ,r
ealerthani tisnow.She’ sagr own
woman, sheunder st
oodmysi lence.Shet ooka
deepbr eathi nandt henout .Shehandedmeakey.
Thisist hekeysheusedt oopenher e.“Atni ghtIwill
opent hef rontdoor ,
ubalekeuyof umanauncedo, ”
(runandf i
ndhel p)Ihuggedher ,Icouldn’tspeak
becauseIwascr ying.Ihopesheunder standshow
gratefulIam.It appedt hebackofmywr istandshe
recoil
edi nconf usion.Shet ookmyhandsandsai d,
“Phefuml asi si…”(Breathe)andIdi djustthat .I
calmedmysel fdown…i fIwantt omakei toutoft his
hellholeal i
vet henIneedt ogat hermysel fandnot
breakdown.

“
Atwhatt
imewi
llyouopent
hedoorandhowwi
l
lI
know,
”Iaskedasmyvoi
cet
rembl
edon.

“
Here,
”shet
ookof
fherwri
stwatchandgavei
tto
me,“
thi
swasaweddi
nggiftf
rom hi
m,buthei
sno
l
ongert
hemanImarr
iedsoyoucantakeit
.

“
Thankyou,
”Iwhi
sper
ed.

“uphumengo00: 05, ndizobendi vulil

engoko…”I
smi l
edandhuggedher .Iwi llforeverbegr at
ef ulto
thiswoman.Whatannoysmet hemostaboutt hi
s
whol ethingisthefactt hatt hemant hatwer eher e
whenIar ri
veddidn’tevencomebackt ocheck
whet herthepreparationst owar dst hisso-called
ceremonyhavest artedassupposedel dersoft his
place.Ormaybet heydi dbutRhadebebr i
bedt hem
orthreatenedthem…asf ormyf ami l
y, Idon’tknow.I
can’tbringmyselft obel i
evingt hatmyf at
herwoul d
givemeawayt oRhadebeandmybr others,Mzamo
usual l
yknowswhensomet hingi swr ong,whydi dn’t
hepi ckitupthistimear ound?Why?Iam madat
hi
m…Iam madatLi
khakhaandever
yone.

It
’s20:
50.Baxol
eleent
eredwi
thapl
ateoff
ood.He
satnextt
ome.
“Mamat oldmewhatt hatbastarddi
dtoyou,”he
says.Ihavenot hi
ngtosayr eall
y,Ij
ustl
ookedat
him.“I
’m sorr
y,”hereachedi nt
ohisbackpocket
andreturnedwithapocket knif
e.Hehandedittome.

“
WhatmustIdowitht
his?
”Iwhispered.Isobadl
y
want
edhi
mt ot
ellmetokil
lhi
sfather.

“Forl
ater,
justtopr
otectyour
sel
f,
”It
ooki
tandhi
dit
underthepil
low.

“Thankyou;youareveryki
nd…andyourmother
.I’
m
sorr
yyouhadt odisobeyyourf
atherandf
orseei
ng
everyt
hing.
”Isai
d.
“
Myf
atheri
shear
tl
ess…I
’
veseenal
ot”hei
sso
broken.Icantellj
ustbylooki
nginhiseyes.Ican
onlyimaginehowi tmustbelikel
ivi
ngwiththat
snake24/ 7.
“Baxolel
e,i
fIhadscreamedwoul dyou
havehelpedme? ”

“Ewe,Ihatemyf ather.He’
sahor nysonofabitch,
”I
chuckledali
tt
le.Hel ookedatmeandf orceda
smile.Thi
sguyhasbeent hroughalotbutther
e’sa
gli
mmerofhopei nhisvoice.Iknowhe’l
lbevery
happyandhopef ulatsomepoi ntinthi
sli
fe.

“
Didmyf
atherr
eal
lygi
vemeaway?
”Iasked.

“Idon’tr
eal
lyknow.AllIknowi swhathetoldme;
thatyouweregoingtobehi sthir
dwife…butIknew
somet hi
ngwasupwhennoonef r
om yourfamil
y
showedup…oranyoneatal l.
”
Isighed.“
Wheni t’
stimetoleave,
runlikeyourl
if
e
dependsoni tbecauseitdoesandleavethekeyin
thedoorI’
llt
akeit.Letmeleaveyou,”
Iwat
chedhi
m wal
kaway.Helookedbackandgave
methumbsupbef
oreshut
ti
ngthedoorandIfor
ced
asmil
e.
It
’sti
me;Iopenedt hedoorslowl ysot hecr eaki
ng
soundi sn’tloud.I nmyheadIkeepchant i
ng‘ Don’
t
screwt hisup’ .Itipt
oeddownt hepassage, it
sdark
andt hef actt hatIcanhearmyhear tbeatismaki ng
myhear tbeatevenl ouderandf aster.Atapoi ntI
stoppedbr eat hi
ngbutthatwasn’ thelpful.I
unlockedt hedoorbutIhadt olookbackbecauseI
feell
ikesomeonei sbehindmeandGodf orbidit
s
Rhadebe.il ookedbackandf oundBaxol elejust
standingt her e.Ihavenoi deawhyIam st il
l
standingher e?
“RunNobuhl e…bal eka”hesaidandIwasout .Iflew
out.Ihavenoi deawher eIam goi ng,Ican’tsee
anythi
ng.IhavenoshoesonsoIkeepget ti
nghur t
anumberoft i
mes.Iam cut t
ingthrought hewi nd
l
ikemyl if
edependsoni tbecauseitdoes.Myf eet
hurtbutthepaint hatmanputmet hroughi slarger
thananythingrightnowandt hefactt hattherear e
nostreetl
ightsthi
ssideisnothelpi
ngmeatal l
.The
onl
ythingIcanheari sthewindasIcutthroughit
.
SuddenlyIcamet oastop,someonei shol
dingme.I
am t
ryingtoreleasemyselfbutIdon’
thaveenough
st
rengthtofightwhoeverthi
sis.

“Sweety,
uyaphiwedwangel i
xesha…”(
Wher
eare
yougoingatthisti
me?)Hesays.Icoul
dsmell
nicot
ineandalcoholal
loverhi
m.

“Mthat
hemf ethu,
”(Takeher)sai
danot hervoiceand
Ii
mmedi atel
ystart
edfighti
nghim harderthanIwas.
Iwasnotaboutt ogothroughwhatIwentt hr
ough
l
astnightandthisti
mear oundthere’
stwooft hese
monsters.

“
Comeonguys,youwon’
tdothat…”scr
atcht
hat,
t
her
e’sthr
eeoft
hem.Thethi
rdguysoundsvery
f
amil
iar
.
"
Sizwe"
,it
ookachance,
“It
’smeNobuhl
e,
”

“Buhle,”Hesnat
chedmeawayf r
om hi
sfri
end.He
stoodbef or
emeandcuppedmyf ace,
“Uyaphi
?”
(Wher eareyougoi
ng?)HecleanedmyeyesandI
start
edseeingalit
tl
eclear
er.

“
Hel
pme,
”Isai
dundermybr
eat
h.

“Ndiyamazi ,
thi
sismyl i
ttl
esister…hambani,”(
I
knowher …go)“What’
shappening?Wher eareyou
comi ngfrom?Wher eareyourbr other
s?”Sizwei s
aski
ngal otofquesti
onrightnowIdon’ thavethe
str
engt htogivehim al
ltheanswer soratleastthis
i
snott heri
ghtplaceortimetobeanswer i
ngthe
quest i
onshehas.

“Uri
ght?”oneoftheguysasked.Theywere
prepar
edt ohur
tmeandnowhesuddenl ycar
es.He
mostprobablyheardSizwecall
ingmynameand
f
igur
edwhoIwas.Oratl
eastwhomybr
other
sar
e.

“Bhut i,
”Icuppedhi sfaceandl ookedhi mi nthe
eyes.Il etmyeyesdot hetalkingf ormet hesedays.
Iact uallydiscoveredinthepastf ewdayst hata
person’ seyescoul dtel
lyoual ot.WhenRhadebe
woul dwal ki ntotheroom –I ’dt elljustbylooking
i
nt ohi seyeswhatki ndofmoodhewasi n.
Somet imeshej ustneededsomeonet otalktoo
really.Butlastni ghtIcouldn’tseehi seyes,maybe
i
f,Idi dt hi
ngswoul dhavebeenal i
ttl
ediff
erent.
“Takemewi t
hyoupl ease,”Isai di nthemi ddl
eof
crying.Hedi dn’taskanyquest i
ons;f r
om therehe
j
ustpi ckedmeupandst artedwal kingasf astashe
possi blycoul d.IknowI ’
m saf enow.Si zwewi l
ltake
careofme.
[
01/
05,
13:
40] :ENTRY26
Wear
ri
vedathi
shouse.“
Come,”hel
eadmetohi
s
r
oom.I
t’
sbeenawhil
esinceI
’
vebeenher
e.

“
Sizwe,
”that
’smakhul
u;Si
zwe’
sgr
andmot
her
yel
li
ngfrom herbedroom.“Ngubanil
owouhamba
naye,awunantl
oniungeni
s’
intombazanekwam,
”
(Whoisthat?Youhavenoshamebr i
ngi
ngagir
lint
o
myhouse,”

“NguNobuhl
emakhulu,”cri
esSi
zwef
rom hi
sroom.
He’sl
ooki
ngforsomething.

“Ni
yathandanangoku?
”(Soyouguysar
edat
ing
now?)makhuluasks.

“
Hayimakhul
u!She’
shurt
.Andaziubabamenzeni
,
”
(
Idon’
tknowwhattheydi
dtoher)

“Ndiyeza,
”(I
’m coming)shewasher ei
nnot i
me.
“Kwenzeknt oni
?”(Whathappened? )Sheasks.I
l
ookedaSi zweandf orsomer easonIfeelalit
tl
e
uncomf or
tabletel
li
ngt hem whathadhappenedt o
me, Idon’
tevenwantt oconvincemysel fthatit
actuall
yhappened.
“
Rhadebe,
”Isay.

“
Wenzeni
,
”(Whatdi
dhedo?
)makhul
uasked.

“He…Idon’ tknow.Lastweeksomemencamet othe

houseandt ookmet oRhadebe’
shouse;myf ather
wast hereandhedi dn’
tdoanythi
ng.Whenwe
arri
vedt heretheytoldmethatIwasgoi ngtomar ry
Rhadebe, ”Iam speakingsofastbecauseIdon’t
wantt otalkaboutt hi
smakesmewantt ovomi tand
j
ustdi e.“Iwaslockedi naroom f
orawhol eweek;
hehi tmewhenhewant edto.I
zoloebsukuuyewa…”
(Lastnighthe…)If eelmychestclosi
ngbecauseme
tal
kingabouti tmeansIhavet oreli
veitandIjust
can’tbet hatperson.Idon’
twanttobet hatgi
rl
…I
don’t.

“Uyewat
hini
?”(
Hewhat .
.?)Si
zweaskskneel
ing
befor
eme.Ican’tbr
ingmyselft
osayit
…Ilookedat
Sizwehopingt hathefeelswhatIam t r
yingt
osay
butcan’tgetmysel ft
osay.Iquicklywipedat ear
crawli
ngdownmycheek.Het i
lt
edhi sheadand
analysedmyf ace.“Didthatbastardf**
**ngrape
youNobuhl e?
”Il ookedatmakhul uthenbackathim.
Inodded.

“
Thi
xo!
”makhul
uexcl
aimed.

“He’sgoingt
odie…”hesaystaki
ngouthi
sphone.
Hest ar
tedscr
oll
ingthr
oughi
t.“Ndi
yakwakhe,
”(I
’
m
goingtohishouse)heatt
emptedtost
andbutI
stoppedhim.

“Don’
t…hehasmenwit
hgunsyouwon’
tmakeitout
ali
veandthey’
l
lknowwher
etofi
ndme.Pl
ease…”

“
OK.Shoul
dIcal
lyourf
ather
…”heasked.
“
Mzamopl
ease…”t
henhi
sphoner
ings.

“It
’shim,”hesayspi cki
ngitup.“ Bafo,wher ethe
f**kareyou?”heshout sashepi cksupt hephone.
“There’snoneedf orthat,
she’sher ewi t
h
me, ”
….”Mzamoj ustgethere.Ineedyouher e
tomor r
ow, Nobuhleneedsyou”het hehandsmet he
phonebutIshakemyheadt oi ndicatethatIdon’t
wantt ospeaktohi m.Butthenagai nt hi
si sMzamo,
hepr obablycal
ledbecausehef eltsomet hingwas
wrong.Ki ndoflat
ei fyouaskme…

“
BUHLE,
”hesays.

“
BHUTI,
”Icl
ear
edmyt
hroatt
ryi
ngt
ohol
dbackt
he
t
ear
s.

“WHATHAPPENED?”heasks.Icanheari
nhi
s
voi
cet
hathei
sworr
ied.
“PLEASECOMEBACK…PLEASE”Icoul
dn’
thol
dit
anymorej
ustcr
ied,
Ileti
tal
lout
.

“
SISI,
MAMELA…AREYOULI
STENI
NGTOME”
(
List
en)

“
YES”

“RIGHTNOW IAM GRABBINGMYTHINGSANDI

AM DRIVINGTHERE,IWILLBEWITHYOU
TOMORROW EVENI NGANDEVERYTHINGWILLBE
FINE,UYANDI
VA?”(Youhearme)

“
EWEBHUTI
,
”

“
HLALAAPHONOSI
ZWENOMAKHULU,
NDI
YEZA”

“
OKDRI
VESAFE”
“
IWI
LLSI
S’WAM”

Mzamohasnoi deawhatact uall

yhappenedandhe
i
st hisfrant i
c.Imaginewhenhehear sever ything.
There’sst il
lMziandMandl a…arrghIj ustwantt o
disappear .Sizwewant edt otakemet ot hehospi tal
foracheck- upandmymi ndi mmedi atel
yscar edme
overt hef actthatmegoi ngf oracheck- upmeant
thatever ythingwasr eal
.ThatIr eallywasr aped
becauset hat’swhatpeopl ewhohadbeenr apeddo
–t heygof orcheck- ups.Iwasavi rgin;Ikeptmysel f
foranol dmant oviolateme.I fIhadknownt hatthi
s
woul dhappent henImostpr obablywoul dn’thave
wast edmyt imest udyingandbei nga‘ goodgi rl
’
.I’d
havegoneoutwi t
hot hergi r
ls;I
’dhavedat edand
hadsexwi thaboyi nmyschool–ni ceand
consensualsex.

Mzamohasbeencal
li
ngal
mostever
ythr
eehours
t
otel
lushowfarhei
s.Andthel
astt
imewespoke
hewasaboutt wohour sout.Ihaven’
tsl
ept
si
nce…youknowwhat .Everyti
meIclosemyeyesI
seeRhadebesweat i
ngoverme.Icansmel lhis
breat
handf eelhi
swei ghtandsometimesIfeell
ike
Ican’
tbreat
hesoI ’
drat herst
ayupandcontrolmy
breat
hingandwhatgoesoni nmyhead.

He’
shere.Icanhere;Icanhearhi m gr
eet
ing
makhuluandSizwe.Whyi sheal one?Whatabout
MziandMandla?Ican’theart hem.Hewalkedin
wit
hSizwebehindhim.He’ scarryi
ngaplasti
cwi t
h
j
unkinit-t
hatisobviouslyforme.Hepulledtook
myhandandpul l
edmet owardshim andembr aced
me.
“Whathappened?”hewhisper
ed.Ipul
ledawayfr
om
him andsatonthebed.Hepull
edabucketofpai
nt
andsatonitri
ghtinfr
ontofme.

“
Wher
ewer
eyou?
”Iasked.
“Iwasi nJohannesburg,wetol
dyou.Dadsentus
theretodoaj ob.Igotmoneysee…”hepul ledouta
stackofcashf rom hi
sleat
herjacket,
“See…we’l
lgo
totownt ogetherandwe’l
lgetyounewcl ot
hesand
youdon’ thavetoworkanymor e.Takeital
lofit
…”
heknowssomet hi
ngbadhappenedandhef eel
s
badf orleavi
ngme.

“
No,
bhuti
…keepi
t.
”Isai
d.Heshovedi
tbacki
nto
t
hej
acket
.

“Oklook…”hest artedpull
ingoutthi
ngsfrom i
nsi
de
theplasti
c, “
Igotyousomesnacks.Chi ps,sweet
s,
chocolates…everythi
ngyoul i
keuyabona..
”he’
s
panickingandIdon’ tl
ikei
twhenmybr ot
hergets
l
ikethis.Mzamoi ssupersensit
iveandhedoesn’t
reacttothingsthewayot herpeopledo.

Ismi
ledandhuggedhi
m agai
n.“
Enkosi
,
”Isai
d.
“WhathappenedBuhl
e?Whohurtyou?”myhearti
s
beati
ngfastagai
n.Hel
ookedmeintheeyes,
didn’
t
bli
nknotonce.

“
Rhadebe…”

“
Whatabouthi m? ”Ohdearheavens…helpme.I
l
ookedatSi zweandhegavemeanod.I t’
sokay,
whateverhappens,whatevert
antrum Mzamo
t
hrowsSi zwewillgetaholdofhim.They’
rebest
f
ri
endsSi zweknowshowheget s.

“
Her
apedme…”Isai
dandwi
pedmyeyes.Hest
ood.

“Si
zwe,saph’
i
sbham.Masambe…”(
Sizwegi
vemea
gun,l
et’
sgo)

“
Mzamo,
”Igotahol
dofhi
m.“
Don’
tdot
hispl
ease”
“Ndi
yekeNobuhl
e,ndi
yekendi
hambe,
”(Letmego)
hecri
ed.

“
Ican’
tletyougoMzamo,
justcal
m down”

“Bafo,Iwoul
dhaveki l
ledhim alongt
imeagobut
wehavet orespectherwishes…canyoudothat
please,
”hepunchedt hewardrobeanddent
edit
.

“
Mzamo!!”Ishout
ed.Si
zwehel
dhi
m agai
nstt
he
wal
ltot
ryandcalm hi
m down.

“Mamel abafo, youhavet ocontrolyourself

.Your
si
sterfuckin’needsyousoshecan’ tbewor r
ied
aboutyourmot herfuckin’
tempersuyandi va?”t
hank
Godf orSizwe.“ Thishitmetoo,If oundherrunning
atnight,al
one, cryi
ng,notknowingwher eshewas
goi
ng, hurt,
don’ tyouthinkIwant edtogot ohis
houseandki lleverythingheloves.Iwantt okil
lhis
wholef amil
ywhi l
ehewat ches,thenhiswor kers
andthenhi sfuckin’
dogyouhearme.Respecther
wishesandcal m yourfuckin’sel
f-
down,”t
hatwasa
l
otoff ucks.Nowt hatIthinkaboutitSi
zweisbei
ng
extr
emel ycalm aboutthis,hesawthemost.I’
m
sureitwast r
aumat i
zing.

“Ok,
”hesai
dpant i
ng,“
Uxol
o,I
’
m sor
ry,
”hel
if
tedhi
s
handsi
nsurrender.

Sizwemanagedt ogethi mtogoout sideandhavea

smoke.Apar tofmewant stobeli
evethatt hosetwo
areplanningsomet hi
ngt hatinvol
veskill
ing
Rhadebe.Iwanthi m deadbutIdon’ twantt olose
oneofmybr othersbecauseRhadebe’ smenar e
goingtocoverhi m byal lmeans.Nowt hatMzamo
i
sher eandIt oldhim whathappenedIf eelal i
ttl
e
better
.MziandMandl awon’ tbethisdif
ficult
.This
willbereall
yhardont hem hey?Knowi ngt hatyour
l
ittl
esisterwasr apedandyouwer enotther eto
helpherandmybr othershaveal waysassur edme
thatnoonecoul deverhur tmeasl ongast heyli
ve,
t
hismustbeahar
dpi
llt
oswal
low.
[
01/
05,
13:
40] :ENTRY27
Ihaven’tsleptsincetheincident,MzamoandSi zwe
tookthef l
oor,t
heyhadnochoi ceactuall
y.They
havenol ivi
ngr oom here;it
’sjustakitchenandt he
twobedr ooms.Mzamo’ salarm wentof fwhich
woket hem up.I t
’s5o’clocknowandmakhul uwoke
upar ound4It hink,It
hinkshe’ smakingbr eakfast.
Mzamokeptwaki ngupt ochecki fIwasst il
lthere.
“Uri
ght,”he’daskandIal waystoldhimt hesame
thi
ng, “
Ewebhut il
ala,
”andt hatwasit’sallalie.I
don’tsleepatallbecauseal lIseeishim sweat ing
overmebutIcan’ ttel
lthattoMzamo.Idon’ twant
towor ryhim.
Atsevenmakhul
ubr
oughtusf
oodwhi
chIhaven’
t
t
ouched.

“
Buhl
e,
”sai
dMzamo.Il
ookedathi
m.“
Pleaseeat
,”

“
Andi
lambanga,
”(
I’
m nothungr
y)Isai
d.I
’
vebeen
overdosi
ngoncof
fee.Ihadanappl
elastni
ght
beforeIsl
ept
.

“
Kanci
nci
,
”hebegged.

“Ok,pleasemakepor ridgeforme, mama’ s

porri
dge, ”heputhi spl atenexttomi neandheaded
tothekitchen.I ’
lltr
yt oeatthat ,
Ihopei t
’scl
oseto
tasti
ngl i
kemama’ smaybet hatwi l
lgivemeal i
tt
le
mot i
vationt opickmysel fup.Nowi t’
sjustmeand
Sizwei nt heroom andIj ustfeeltheneedt othank
himf orhel pi
ngme, thoughIknowt here’
snoneed
to;IknowMzamohasappr eciatedhi m.
“Bhut’Si
zwe, ”hel ookedatme.“ Enkosi ,f
orhelpi
ng
me,”

“You’
remysi st
erBuhle,Iwasdoi
ngmyj
ob.
Sundi
bulel
a,”(don’
tthankme)

“
Idon’
tknowwher
eyouwer
ecomi
ngf
rom but
thankyouforst
ayi
ngoutl
atet
hatni
ght
,”hesmi
led
andconti
nuedeati
ng.

Mzamot r
iedwi t
hthepor r
idge–thoughIcoul
dn’
t
fi
nish–atleastther
ei ssomethi
ngsoli
dinmy
stomachbesidescoffee.
“
Utatauyeza,”
(Dadi
scoming)Mzamosai
dpeeki
ng
t
hroughawi ndowabovet
hebed.

“
Didyouaskhi
mt ocome,
didheknowwher
eI
was?
”Iaskedhi
m.

“EweIjustwanthimt otellusexactlywhat
happenedyouknow…”Il ovedmymot hersomuch
andIstil
ldobutIthinkther ei
snooneont hiseart
h
thatIhavelovedmor et
hanmyownf ather.Heismy
heroyouknow.Gr owingup–Idi dn’tcar ewhatI
hadordi dn’
t.I
nfactIdi
dn’ tevenknowt hatwewer e
poorinawaybecausemyf at
heralwaysmade
thi
ngshappen;afterschoolIal wayslookedf orward
t
oseei
nghim,anddoi
ngmyhomewor kt
oget
her
.
“
He’
sprobabl
yonhisway”headds.

“Ij
ustwonderMzamoyazi…”Isaycompl
etel
y
detour
ingf
rom ourconver
sat
ion.

“
Youwonderwhat
?”

“
Nevermi
nd,
I’
mjustt
hinki
ngoutl
oud…”

“So,whenar
eyougoi
ngbackhome?
”good
questi
on.
“Idon’
tknowbhut
i.Why,
doyouwantgoback
home?”

“No…I’
mfineher
ewi
thyou.Iwon’
tleaveyouok?
”I
nodded.
Notsol
ongaf
ter
,dadar
ri
ved.Hecamei
nwi
thhi
s
armsopen.UsuallyI
’dbethrowingmysel
fathi
s
chestr
ightaboutnowandhe’ dburymeinhi
sarms
unti
lheexhalesbutalothaschanged.

“Pri
ncess,”hesai
d,“Ihavebeenl ooki
ngf oryou,
wher ehaveyoubeen?”het urnedhisatt
entionto
Mzamo, “
Youdidn’
ttellmeyouwer eback,where
areyourbr ot
her
s?”hel ooksbeatenupandscar ed,
I
suspectRhadebegavehom abeat ingwhenhe
couldn’
tfindme.

“Tata,
whathappened?Ndaat
hathwaendl
iniand
youwat chedt
hem…youdidn’
tcomeforme”(Iwas
takenfrom myownhome)Isaid.

“
Whyaren’
tyouther
e?Youaresupposedt
obe
t
her
eri
ghtnow,getdressedl
et’
sgo,
”

“
Iam notgoi
ngbackt
her
e,”Ipr
otest
ed.
“Youhavet
oo,
thi
sisnothowt
hist
hingwor
ks,
”he
says
“
Thisi
snothowwhatwor
kst
ata…”Mzamo’
stone
wasabitst
ernt
her
e.

“Rhadebeisgoi
ngtomarryher
,”Mzamojumpedf
or
histhr
oatandheldhi
m agai
nstthewar
drobe.

“
Bhut
i!
”Icr
ied.“
Sizwe…”

“Uzomtshata…uNobuhl
elusanatat
a,”(
He’sgoingto
marryher…Nobuhleisachil
ddad)hisbreat
hingis
gett
ingveryheavyandsoisdad’
s.

“
Yourmot
herwasyouragewhenwegotmar
ri
ed…”

“
Wassheal
sol
ockedupandr
aped…”
“Raped,
”heechoedme.“
Thatwasn’tpartoft
he
deal…hesai
dhe’dmar
ryyou,
”herecoil
edinguil
t
andconfusi
on.

“
SoI
’
m adealnow…notyourdaught
er,
”

“
Pri
ncess,
”hesai
dunderhi
sbr
eat
he.

“
Pleasegot
ata,
we’
l
ltal
kaboutt
hissomeot
her
t
ime…”

“
Buhl
e,f
lowerkat
ata…”

Igavehi
m myback.Idon’ twantt
oseehim…he
brokeme.Iheardthedooropenandshut.He’s
gone.It
urnedaroundandf oundMzamol ooki
ngat
me.Whenat earroll
eddownmyf acehegotahol d
ofme.I’
vealwaysthoughtIwasthesafestgir
lin
theworl
dandt hatwheneverIwasint
roublemy
ownf atherwoulddoanyt hi
ngt oprot ectme…nowI
don’tknowwhatt othink,Idon’tknowwhoIam.
Povertyr obspeopleofmanyt hings;it’
sathief
.It
robbedmeofaf ut
ur e,t
hechancet ohavemyver y
fi
rstseriousboyfri
endsl eepwi thmef ort
hefir
st
ti
meandsmi l
eabouti tfordaysbecauseI ’
dhaveno
regret
sandnotf orgett
ingLikhakha, povert
yrobbed
meofLi khakha.

Maybei t
’smef olks,maybeI’mlookingatt hi
swhole
l
ifethi
ngt hewr ongway.Maybet here’snosuch
thi
ngasper fect,orgoodorhappil
yeveraf t
er.Just
eventsguidedbyl uckorchance.Maybebei nga
goodgirlyourwhol eli
fedoesn’
tguar anteeyoua
perf
ectandf lawlessfut
ure.Maybebei ngani cegir
l
doesnotmeanever yonewillbenicetoyou.Peopl e
dowhatt heywantt odot oyouandt reatyou
howevertheywantt otr
eatyou.

“
Buhl
e,
”Ij
umped.Myhear
trat
ewentt
hrought
he
r
oof
.
“Uxolo…uxolosi
s”Mandlaf ol
lowedbehindMzi .I
missedthem.Ididn’twasteanothersecondlooking
outthatwindowIr antothem li
kemyl i
fedepended
onit–l i
keifIhuggedthem mymemor ywouldbe
erasedorI’
dgetadooverandbebr avethi
stime
around.

“
I’
m sogladyou’
reback…”Isai
dcat
chi
ngmybr
eat
h
i
nbetweenthem.

“
Wegother
eassoonaswepossi
blycoul
d,”sai
d
Mandl
a.

“You’
reokay,
”Mziwhi
spered.Mzamoal
soj
oinedi
n
onthehugging,
andsodidSizwe.

“Si
zweawungowalapha,
”(
Sizwe,
you’r
enotfami
ly)
Mandl
asaidjoki
nglyandwealll
aughed.Mandl
ais
suchacl
own.
Lat
eronthatday,wejustsati
nthatr
oom t
hatIdar
e
notl
eaveandtalkedl
ikeoldti
mes.

“
Youguysdoknowt
hatIdi
dn’
tst
ealt
hewal
let
r
ight
?”

“
Iknowyoudi
dn’
t,
”-Mzamo

“
Ihadmydoubt
s,”
-Mandl
a

“
Idi
dn’
t,
uxol
osi
si,
”(Sor
rysi
s)-Mzi

“Idi
dn’tst
ealit
,I’
dneverstealf
rom hi
m or
anyone…thekingthr
eatenedmeandIj ustcoul
dn’
t
sayanything,
”

“
Whatt
hef
**kdi
dhesay?
”-Mzamo
“Hesai
dhe’
dmakesur
eIl
oseyouguysandour
home,”

“We’
resorrywewer en’
tther
ewhenyouneededus
andforeveryt
hingyouhadgothrough,
”–Mandla.

Ijustnodded;Icoul dn’tsayIf orgivethem.Iam st il

l
somadt hatt heywer enott herebutIknowi t’
snot
theirfault;noneoft hisis.Gr owingupmybr other
s
woul dpr etendt obesuperher oesl i
keBat -
man, Ir
on-
man, andt hei ncrediblehulkandsoonandsof or
th.
They’dt ellmet oclimbupat reeandpr etendlikeI
wasi ndangerandt hey’dcomeupandsaveme.
Theyal waysdi dsaveme.They’ dalwaysgetme
backt ot hegr oundsaf el
y.Igr ewupwi ththe
under standingt hatpeopl eknewwhomybr others
wer eandnoonecoul dhur tmeorevent ryto
removeast randofhai rfrom myhead.Iguessi n
thepr ocessofgr owingup;mybr othersforgotto
ment i
ont hatt heydon’ treallyhavepower s, t
hey
can’tflyandt heydon’ thavesuperst rengthandi na
waythisi
sawakeupcal lforme,ali
ttl
eremi nder
thatmybrot
hersaren’
talwaysgoingtobet here,
they’
rej
ustmortal
s–likeeveryoneelse-andt hatI
needtobebraveandprotectmyselfandbe
Superwoman.

“Haveyousl eptwit
hhim,”Mziasked,heisreferr
ing
toLikhakha.Ishookmyhead.Ithurts,myhear t
hurt
ssobad.Thi sisjustareminderthatIwi
llnever
haveaf i
rstti
me.
“
Ifyouhadt
hechancetosl
eepwi
thhim,wouldyou
t
akeit
?”what
’supwit
hMziandal
lthesequest
ions?

“Nobhuti,
”Isaidandsighed.“ Ihadthechancet o,
manyt i
mes.Ijustwantedittobepr operyouknow?
Iwantedthewholefir
stdat ething,gettoknowhi m
andthen…”Itookdeepbr eathi nwil
lingthetear
sto
stayi
nthere.“Nowhewon’ tevenlookatme
becausehethinksI’
m athiefandal otisjust
wrong…”
“You’r
ereall
yfondofthisLikhakhaboyaren’tyou,”
saysMzamoandIsmi led.Ismiledforr
eal;Ifel
tthe
authenti
cit
yofthatsmil
edeepdowni nmyhear t.

“
Yho!
,
”Mandl
aexcl
aimedt
omybl
ushi
ng.

“Ewe,kodwahe’
sgett
ingmarriedt
oagir
lcall
ed
Rose;she’
sapri
ncess,beaut
if
ulandIam j
ust
Nobuhle,
”

“
I’
m sureshe’
snotasbeaut
if
ulasyouar
ethough,
”
Mandlatr
iedt
ocheermeup.

“Shelooksl
ikeshejumpedoutofamagazi
ne…”I
saidandweal ll
aughed.

“Haveyouki
ssed?
”Mziagai
n;I
’
dexpectt
hese
quest
ionsf
rom Mandl
a.
“Yesbhuti!Anumberoftimes,
”they’
reallsmili
ng
from eart
oear.“Noguyhasevermademet hat
happyi nmyli
fe;I’
dnevertr
adetheshorttimeIhad
wi t
hhimforanythi
ng,
”

“
Haibothi
na?
”(Andus?)-Mzamo.Ij ustsmiledand
l
ookedawaybecauseLikhakhamakesmehappi er
t
hantheydobutthat
’sastoryforanotherday.

“Thef
ir
stti
meheki ssedmeIl ookedhimi nt
heeye
andIsawthelookdadwear swhenhet al
ksabout
mom”,Itur
nedmyat tenti
ontoMzi ,
“Theoneyou
haveonwhenyout alktooraboutPalesabhuti
,”

“
str
u?”(
Forr
eal
?)–Mandl
a.Inodded.

“
Andnowhet hi
nksyou’
ret
hief
,”saysMzi
soundi
ng
r
athersad.
“I
t’
sokaythough,peopl
eli
kemecan’
tbewi
th
peopl
eli
kehim,”

Ithi
nkImi ghthavebeeninreall
ovewiththeprince
andIthinkhemi ghthavereal
lyl
ovedmet oo.But
youcan’tpossesspeople;youcanonlyexperi
ence
them andhewasanawesomeexper iencetohave
i
nmyl i
fe…unti
lhewasn’t.

“
Doyouthi
nkyou’
l
l everf
orgi
veutat
a?”asked
Mandl
aandIswal
lowedmyhear t
.

“I
…Ifor
gavehi
m,”Isai
dthensi
lencef
oll
owed.“
Did
youguysknowaboutt
his?”

“
Nop”–Mandl
a

“
Hhayisi
si,
”-Mzamo.Thensil
enceengul
fedt
he
r
oom agai
n.Weallhadoureyesfi
xedonthe
el
ephanti
nther
oom,
Mzi
.
“Hementi
onedi
tinpassi
ngkodwa…butIdon’
tthi
nk
hepl
annedfort
hingst
ogosouth,
”

“
Ubusazi
mfet
hu,
”Mzamost
ood.

“
Mzamo,
hlal
aphant
si,
”Isai
dbuthei
gnor
edme.

“Hesai
dhewasgoingtosi
tusal
ldownandt
alkt
o
usabouti
t,
”hedef
endedhi
mself
.

“Whenyousayusyoumeant hethr eeofyou,r

ight?
”
Isaid.Henodded.Iam abouttocr yandIdon’twant
them tobeherewhent hathappens.Idon’twantthe
pit
yt heyhavetooff
er.“Ndi
celanindishi
yekancinci
tana,”(Pl
easegivemesomespace)

“
Pleasel
etusst
aywi
thyou,
”Mzibegged.
“
Youst
ayingwithmewon’
tundoanythi
ng,itwon’
t
f
ixmej
ustleavemeal
oneplease…pl
ease,
”myvoice
i
str
embli
ng.

“Si
zwe,”Icr
iedandSi
zwewasher
einamat
terof
seconds.

“
Pleasegett
hem outIneedt
obeal
one,
”

“
Baf
ethu,
”hesi
gnal
ledt
hem t
oexi
t…

“
Buhl
e,pl
ease…”

“
Out
…nonke”(Allofyou)Iscr
eamedandt
hey
j
umpedontheirfeet

“
Mmkuphunywemadoda,
”Si
zwesaysandt
heyal
l
obeyed.Theyf
oll
owedoneaf
tert
heot
her
.

Final
ly!They’
reallout.Iexhal
ed.Ifeelli
keevery
secondIcr ymyhear tislosi
ngitsstrengt
h.Iam
afrai
dthatit’
l
lreachitsbreaki
ngpoi ntwhereitno
l
ongerwant stof unct
ionandt hatwouldbetheend
ofme.AsmuchasIwi shIcoulddieandescapeal l
ofthis–Idon’ twanttodiebeforeImakeRhadebe
pay.Hewi l
ldie!
[
01/
05,
13:
41] :ENTRY28
I’
m suretodayisMonday.I’
m sti
llatSi
zwe’shouse
andmakhul uhasbeensowarm andwel comingto
us.Mandl aandMzicomeandgo.Ihave
night
mar esaboutRhadebeeverynowandagai nso
Ikeepmyeyesopenunt i
lmakhuluwakesupatf ive
togetstartedwit
hbreakf
astthenItryt
of al
lasl
eep
then.
MzamosuggestedIgotothelocalcl
ini
cforacheck
-
up.Iref
usedandtheexcuseIgavewast hatIdi
dn’
t
wantt
obeseen.Sizwesaidtheheadoftheclini
cis
hi
sfri
endandthathecouldatt
endtousear l
y,
befor
eotherpatiencest
artpour
ingi
n.Icoul
dn’
t
escapethatone.Heaskedmet ochangeint
othe
hospit
aldress.
“
I’
mready,
”Isai
dcl
osi
ngt
hedoorbehi
ndme.
“Ngqengqaphayangomqolo,
”(Layonyourback
please)sai
dthedoct
orguy.“
Youboysmi ghtwant
toleaveus,
”headds.
“
Hhayi
…ngoba?
”(No…why?
)Mzamopr
otest
s.
“Thi
swi l
lbeabituncomfor
tabl
e,notonl
yforher
butforyouguysaswell,
”hesays.
“I
sn’
tther
ealadywhocoul
ddot
his?
”Mzamoasks.
Thatdi
dhitmymind.
“
Itr
usthi
m baf
o,”Si
zwesai
d.
“Bhuti
,i
t’
sfi
ne,
I’
m okay…j
ustst
andout
sideokay…”I
said.
“
I’
llber
ightout
side,
”theybot
hst
eppedout
.
“OkNobuhle,
”he’
sputti
ngonsur gi
calgl
oves.He
cameclosert
othebed.“ Ineedyoutoj
ustopen
yourl
egsforme,justsl
ightl
y…”
“Youwantmet oopenmyl
egs,
”Ir
epeat
edwhathe
said.Henodded.
“
Youcant
rustme…”
I
’m gl
adt
hat
’sover
.I’
m wai
ti
ngi
nthedoct
or’
sof
fi
ce
wit
hMzamo.
“
Whatdi
dhedo?
”askedMzamo.
“
I’
drat
hernottal
kabouti
t,
”Isai
d.Thedoct
or
wal
kedinwit
hf i
lesi
nhi
shands.
“Hmmm Nobuhl
e,r
apeisaver
yseri
oust
hing.I
t’
sa
cri
me.Youcanl
aychar
gesandgethi
mlockedup
and…”

“
Okl
ist
en,
doct
or…”Iponder
edf
orhi
sname.
“
Xaba,
”hesays.
“Dr.Xaba,
Idon’
twantanyoneknowi
ngaboutt
his…”
Ifi
nishedoff
“Idon’tt
hinkyouunderstandt hi
s,usuall
yvict
ims
thattr
ytopr etendl
ikenothi
nghappened, endup
getti
ngaffectedbythepredicament.Itcoul
daf f
ect
youemoti
onal
ly;mental
ly…youcoul
dhur
tyour
sel
f,
unl
essyougethelp”
“St
optreat
ingmel i
keavicti
m orast at
ist
ic.Idon’
t
havecancer,
I’
m notdying.I
tsrape…ithappens
ever
yday…”talki
ngaboutitmakesmewantt o
vomitmylungsout.Igetsodisgusted.
Mzamogotaholdofmyhandundert hetabl
eandI
knowthatmeansIshoul
dcalm downandbeni ce.
Funnyhowtabl
eshaveturned…I
’m usuall
ytheone
tr
yingt
ogethimtocalm downandbeni ce.
“Youcancont
inueDr
,”Mzamot
ri
est
obet
hevoi
ce
ofreason.
“Youcancomet omeifyou’
ref
eel
ingsomethi
ng
outoftheor
dinar
y,I
’
m alwaysher
e,”t
heDrsays.
Il
ookedatMzamo,
“Idon’
tneedt
oseeanyone.Iam
fi
ne…”
“OK!Butt
hegoodnewsisshe’
sokay…noinfect
ions
ordamagesbot
hint
ernal
lyandext
ernal
ly,
”hesays.
“
Thankyoudoc,
”-Mzamo
“
Iwi
llmakef
urt
hert
est
s,j
ustbet
oont
hesaf
e
si
de…”
“Thankyou”Isai d.Il eftMzamoi nsidewi tht he
doctor…wher e’ sSi zwe?Hewassupposedt obe
herebyt hedoor .Istoodwi t
hmybackagai nstt he
wallwai tingf orMzamo.If eltsosmal land
i
nsignificant .If eltmysel fshr i
nkintoar apevi cti
m,
i
ntoast at i
stic.Wi l
lIeverbet hesameagai n?Wi l
lI
everbeNobuhl e, myf ather’spr i
ncess,hisf lower ,
hisluckychar m?If eel realit
ymovi ngf arawayf rom
me.Ever ysoundIcoul dheari sbecomi ngsof ai
nt,
myvi si
oni sget tingbl urry.Asl ongasIcanst i
llfeel
thewal lthenI ’l
lbef i
ne.Mzamowi llfi
ndmeher e
andsavemef rom mysel f.It
’sgetti
ngdar kerand
darkerandmyl egscannotcar rymeunt ilMzamo
getsher e, mychesti sget ti
ngheavi erandheavi er
bythesecondandever ysi nglesecondi ttorture.
Suddenl yIf el tmyl egsl eavet hegr ound.I ’
m backi n
theoffi
ce.
“Shehasn’tbeenget
ti
ngenoughsl
eep,
”Iheart
he
doctorsay
“
Shedr
inkscof
feeal
lthet
ime,
”Si
zwesays.
“
Bhut
i,
”thi
ngsar
estart
ingtomakesenseagai
n.I
r
ememberwhathappened.
“
You’
reokayBuhl
e,ndi
khona…”
Mzamosays
“I
’m goingtopr
escr
ibesomesleepi
ngtabl
etsf
or
her;theyshoul
dknockherr
ightout
,”
Wear r
ivedatSi
zwe’splaceataround10am;we
madeadet ourt
omypl ace.Itwasdir
ty,
clear
lyI
haven’
tbeenaround.Makhulucameout si
de;she
hurr
ieduptomeetusatt hegate.
“Kukhoumnt
uolindewenangaphakathi
,
”(t
her
e’s
someonewai
tingforyoui
nsi
de,)shesayst
ome.
“
Mnamakhul
u”(me)Iconf
ir
med.Shenodded.I
t
ookast
epback.
“
Whoi
sthat
?”askedSi
zwe.
“Igavehim someteaandbi
scuit
s.Hesayshi
s
namei sLanyal
anyaorMkhaya…”
“Lanyanya…”Mzamosaidheadingi
nsi
det
hehouse,
Sizwefoll
owed.Theyent
ered.
ThenMzamocameout
,
“NguLikhakha,
”(I
tsLikhakha)hesaid.Makhul
u,
real
ly?Lanyanya…sheisreall
ygett
ingold.Can’
tshe
seethatit’
sthepri
nce?
“
NguLi
khakhamakhul
u,unyanawenkosi
…”Isai
d
Whatishedoi
ngher
e?Idon’
twanthi
mtoseeme.
AsIenter
edhest
ood.
“Nobuhle,hi,
”hiseyesl
itup.Al
otofthi
ngswer e
goingthroughmyhead.Ihaveal otIwanttosay
butmyeyesar ewetsoIwon’tmakesense.Atthe
samet imeIjustwanttohughim andslaphimfor
beingsost upi
dandbelievi
nghi
sf at
her
.“You’r
e
crying,
”nokiddingSher
lock!
“
Nkosana,
”Isai
d…
Her anuptomeandhuggedme.Whati shedoing?
Howdi dheknowIwasher e?Hepi ckedmeupand
heldmesot i
ghtthatIcouldn’
tbreatheproperl
y.I
don’tminddyingi nhisarms.Hest i
llsmell
sso
good.“I
’vebeent ryi
ngtogetahol dofyou, whatar
e
youdoingher e?Whathappened?Whyar eyou
cryi
ng?I’m sorryBuhle,f
oreveryt
hing…”hesaid.He
putmedownt hencuppedmyf acewi thhishands
andlookedmei
ntheeye.“
What
’shappeni
ng?
’he
whisper
ed.
“Bafo,ni
ngangenangapha”Mzamodi rectedhimt o
Sizwe’sbedroom whi chhasbecomemi ne.Wesat
ont hebedsidebysi de.Wesatinsi
lencef orali
tt
le
while.Thelastt
imehesawmeIwasat hief,agol
d
diggerandavi r
gin.Hesqueezedmyhand.
“
Howl
onghaveyoubeenher
e?”Ibr
oket
hesi
lence.
“Wellovertwohours…”Ididn’tsayanythingaft
er
that
.IclimbedonthebedsoIcoul drestmyback
agai
nstt hewal
l.Hetookof fhisshoesanddi dthe
same.“ Iknowyoudidn’
ttakemywal l
et,”
“
Oh”Idon’
tknowwhatt osay.I
treal
lydoesn’
t
mat
ternow,bi
ggert
hingsarehappening.
“
Marywasinst
ruct
edbythechi
eftohidei
tinyour
r
oom…andIknowhetol
dyourfatherwesl
ept
t
oget
her
,”
“
Howdi
dMar
yconf
ess?
”sheconf
essed.
“
Rose…shetol
dRosehowshesavedherhusband
f
rom you,
soRosetol
dme,
”hesays.
“
Shet
oldyou…”I
’
m abi
tshockedbyt
hat
.
“Yes…we’veestabli
shedwedon’tl
oveeachother
.
Shet ol
dmet ofindyouandtel
lyouIloveyou,
”Il
aid
downandf acedt hecei
li
ng.Hedidthesame.Hegot
ahol dofmyhandagai nandIheldhimtoo.
“Ndiyakut
handaNobuhl eMqokeli
,
”(Il
oveyou
Nobuhl eMqokeli
)
“
Iwasraped,
”Isai
d.Itookadeepbr
eat
hinand
t
henout.Hi
shandtightened.
“
When?
”Hewhi
sper
ed.
“
Lastweek,
”
“
Who?
”
“
Rhadebe,
”
“
Don’
twor
ry;I
’
llsor
titout
…”
“Iknowyouwi l
l,
butdon’ t
…Ibeggedmybr ot
herst
o
notdoanythingandt heyobeyedme.ButIhopeyou
canseewher eI’
m getti
ngatwi t
hthis,
”Icansee
himf r
om t
hecor nerofmyeyer ubbi
nghi seyes.I
’
m
notsurewhetherhe’scryingor…heshookhishead
i
ndicati
ngthatdoesn’tunderst
andwhatI ’
m on
about
.“YouandIaretwodi
ff
erentpeopl
efr
om way
toodi
ff
erentwor
lds”
“Whocomplet
elyver
ymuchloveeachot
her
,”he’
s
diver
ti
ngf
rom whatIwant
edtosay.
“Butdonotst
andachancei
nthi
swor
ld…”If
ini
shed
off
.
“
Whynot
?”
“Likhakha,whenIwaslabel
ledathiefyoubeli
eved
yourf at
herandcal
ledmeagol ddigger,suddenl
y
nowyoul oveme…youdidn’
teventrytofindoutthe
truth.
”
“
Myf at
heri
sthechief
,hi
swordisfi
nal
.Hei
sawi
se
man…Ineedtot
rusthi
sjudgement
,”
“
Lookhowf
art
hatgotyou,
”Isai
d,
“
I’
m sor
ry…al
loft
hati
sint
hepastnow,
”
“Jah,that
’st
ruebutt
her
ear
enewt
hingsi
nthe
presentnow…”
“Whydi
dyousayyoudi
dwhatyouknowyoudi
dn’
t
do?”
“Li
keyousaid,
yourf
atheri
sachief
…hethreat
ened
myf amil
yandIwasautomati
cal
lyl
eftwi
thno
choicebutt
obeathi
ef,
”
“
Iam sosor
ryBuhl
e,
”
“I
t’
sokay.It
’snotyourf
aul
t,
”Ipaused.“
Butl
ook,
I’
m
notthesamenow…gobackt oRose,”
“
No…Ican’
tBuhl
e,
”Thi
sboy.
“Li
khakha,Idon’
tthinkyougett hi
s,
”Isatup
str
aight
.“Iwasviolatedsexuall
y…Iam notthesame.
Iwantedyout obemyf i
rstbutt
hatcan’thappen
anymorebecausehet ooktheonethi
ngIwassoo
proudtoha…”
“Don’tdot hat,”hepulledmebyt hearm br i
ngingme
i
nt ohischest .“Youar esof *
****gbeaut i
fuland
strongandyouar ejustli
ght.Youwi l
lgett hr
ough
thisandIpr omiseyouIwi llnevereverleaveyou
again…Iwi llnever.We–youandI–wi llgetthrough
this.Ineedyout onotgiveuppl ease,forme, ”he
kissedmyf orehead.“Lookatme;Idon’ tknowwhat
you’retalki
ngabout .Youst il
llookprett
ycompl et
e
tomeandIwi llbeyourf i
rst…Ipromise,”thatgave
mesomuchhope.“ Nooneknowswhathappened
toyoubutus…andRhadebewillbet
akencareof
don’
tworry,
”heki
ssedmyf or
eheadagain.
“Mybiggestfearist
hefactIknowandIam scar
ed,
Ican’
tsleep…theminutesomeonemovesIj
ump,
thi
sisnotlif
e,”Isai
d.
“I
’
m herenow,t
hingswi
llbedi
ff
erentIpr
omi
se…I
’
ll
prot
ectyou,
”
“
Ok”Isai
dundermybr
eat
h.
Idon’tknow.Ireall
ydon’
tknow.AllIknowisthatI
feelbett
ernowt hatLi
khakhai
shereandifitwere
bymeI ’
dleavethi
splaceandtakehim wi
thme.
[
01/
05,
13:
41] :ENTRY29
We’ vebeenlayi
ngher eforhours,webot hfell
asleepatsomepoi ntbutI
’m upnow.Iam sur pri
sed
athowcomf ort
ableIam wi t
hhim.He’ sholdingme
from behind,hi
sbreathkeepshi t
ti
ngt hebackofmy
neckandIwoul dn’
ttradethatf
oranyt hi
ng.Thi shas
tobet hebestmomentI ’
vehadinweeks.Ieven
forgotaboutRhadebef orawhi l
e.Myhear tisn’t
burninganymor e.Iactual
lyfel
lasleep.
“
You’reup? ”heasked.Ohgoodhe’ sup.It
urned
myselfaroundtof acehi
m.“Ineedtogetgoing;
t
hey’
llprobablystartasear
chparty,”
“
NyanaweKumnkani
,
”Isai
dteasi
ngl
y…
“
Onl
yson,
”
“
I’
llwal
kyouout
,”

“
Yhooo!Ekugqi
bel
eni
,
”(Fi
nal
ly!
)makhul
ucr
iedas
wewalkedout.
“
Uxolo…uxolomama, ”(I
’m sor
ry)Likhakhasays
wit
hasmi lepl
asteredacrosshisface.Ihonest
ly
f
orgotthatIwasn’tathome.
WefoundSi
zweandMzamoout si
desmoking.
Appar
ent
lywhenwewer easleept
heywenttotown
t
obuysomegrocer
ies;cur
tesyofMzamo.
“I
’
llbecomingher
emor
eof
tent
oseeher
,”says
Li
khakha.
“
Awunyanzel
ekanga,
”(Youdon’
thavet
o)Isai
d.
“
Ndi
nyanzel
eki
le,
”(Ihavet
o)
“
Idon’
thaveaproblem wi
tht
hat
,”saysSi
zwe.
Mzamojustnodded.
“
Mmandi
hambe,
”(Letmegetgoi
ng)
“
Howdi
dyougether
e?”Iasked.
“Ihadt opaymydri
veroff,
”heshakesthei
rhands
andt hentur
nstowar
dsmewi t
hhisarmsreadyto
swallowmeup.Iobliged.Heli
ft
edmeupal lowi
ng
myf eettofl
oat
.“Beokay,pl
ease,
”
“
I’
mfi
ne,
”Iassur
edhi
m.
SizweandMzmaost art
edclear
ingt
hei
rthr
oat
s.
That’
sasignalf
orhimtoletgoofmeandmake
fr
iendswi
ththegate.
“
Shokebaf
o,”sai
dSi
zwe.
IwatchedLikhakhaexi tthepremi
ses.Myhear ti
s
sadthathe’
sl eavi
ngbutIam happyt hathe’sback
andhei sLi
khakhaagai n.AndIam gr
atefult
o
SizweandMzamof ormaki ngmegot othecli
nic
becausenowIam abl et ocomeoutsi
de.
Thef ol
lowi
ngdayMziandMandlacametoseeme.
Ifeelli
keasickper
soni
nhospi
tal
.Theyconst
ant
ly
comeher
ewithfrui
tsandchocol
atesandasfor
Mzamo,t
heminutehestepsouthecomesback
wit
hachocol
ate.Theyobvi
ousl
ywantmet ogetfat
.
“Unj
ani
?”Mziasked.Icansenset
hegui
ltand
shameinhi
svoice.
“
I’
m hangi
ngi
nther
e.Ni
na?
…how’
sdad?
”
“
Fal
li
ngapar
t,
”hesays.
“
How?
”Iasked.
“
He’salwaysdrunk.Izol
ohewasbeatingupMandl
a
f
orcomi nghomelate,ever
ythi
ngi
sjustamess”
Mzisays.
“Akakul
imazanga?”(Didhehurtyou? )Iasked
Mandla.Myf at
heristurningi
ntoamonst er
.Heis
nolongerthemanIknow.Myf atherdoesn’tjust
pickuphishand.Somet imeswhenasi t
uati
on
needshimt ousehishand;he’dratherspeak.
“Ihadami
nornosebl
eed.Mzi
wasabl
etogethi
m
off…”
“
Ineedt
oseehi
m,”Isay
“
Uthi
nikuye?
”Mandl
aasks
“Andazi,
he’scl
ear
lygoi
ngt
hroughalotbuthe
shouldn’
ttakei
toutonmyl
it
tl
ebrot
her,”oknowI
’
m
mad.
“
Kantinguban’
i
ndodaphakat
hikwam nawe,”
Mandlasaysandmyeyesimmediatel
ygrowwide.
Wit
hwhi chgut
sisheaski
ngthatquest
ion?
“Uyindodakabani?”Iasked.Myr
esponsel
eftthem
allshocked.Hecouldn’tgi
vemeananswer.“Take
mehome, ”Iadded.
Myf atherwasn’tther
ewhenwear ri
ved.Idecidedto
dosomecl eani
ng.Icooked;Idon’tknowf orwhom
becauseIwon’ tbeeating.Fi
nal
ly!Hear ri
veddrunk,
staggeri
ngandshockedt oseeusal lunderthe
samer oof;hisroof.
“Mykids.
”Hesaysprepari
ngtoembr
aceMandl
a
buthesteppedaway.Idon’
tbl
amehi
m.
“Tat
a,”Isai
d.“Hlal
aphant
si,
”het
hrewhi
ssmel
li
ng
bodyont hecouch.
“
Iam sohappytoseeyoumyluckycharm,daddy’
s
f
lower
…myangel.Youlookj
ustl
ikeyourmotherand
t
hatbast
ardofaman…andnothingl
ikeme,butI
l
oveyousomuchl
ikeyou’
remyown,
”whati
she
sayi
ng?
“Tat
a,thul
aumamel
e,
”(Dad,
shutupandl
ist
en)Mzi
says.
“Youar
etear
ingthi
shouseapart
…justpickyour
sel
f
upandownupt oyourmist
akes,
”Isaid.
“Uxol
obantawanabam…ndixol
eleni
,
”dadsaysand
noonesaysanythi
ng.“
Ijustwantever
ythi
ngt
obe
perf
ect,
”headded.
“Butyou’
rebr
eaki
ngusal
ltat
a.Ubet
hana
noMandla…”
“
Cal
m downsi
si,
”Mzicut
smeshor
t.
“Donott
ellmet
ocal
m down…don’
t!
”Ir
epr
imanded
him.
Li
khakhawal
kedi
nandsi
lenceengul
fedt
her
oom.
“
Icanwai
tout
side…”hesai
d.
“
Excuseme,”Ifl
ewt ot heroom.Ineededtogather
mysel
f.If
eelsuffocatedandcompr essed.Icur
se
t
hedaymymot herdied.Ifshewasher enoneof
t
hiswouldhavebeenhappeni ng.We’dallbehappy
andsaf e.Dadwoul dn’tbedr i
nkinghisgui l
taway
andmaybeLi khakhaandIwoul dbehappyand
together.Butthatwor l
ddoesn’ texist
;itonl
yexist
s
i
nmyhead.Myt r
ainoft houghtswasdi st
urbedbya
knockont hedoor.Iopened.I t
’sLikhakha…IknowI
don’thavet oactstrongar oundLikhakhabutIcan’t
helpbutputupast rongf r
ont.Iopened.
“Awusemhl
e,
”(You’
resobeaut
if
ul)t
hat
’st
hef
ir
sthe
sai
dwhenhelaidhi
seyesuponme.
“
Likhakha,
comei
n,”Isai
d.
“
Let
’st
akeawal
k,
”hesays.
“
Youwantt
otakeawal
k?Now?
”Henodded.
“Yeah!Masi
y’
emlanj
eni.Ther
e’sa2li
tr
ebott
leof
cokeinmycar,
”(Let
’sgototheri
ver
)hesays.
“Youneedtost opdr
inki
ngcoke,
it’
snotgoodf
or
yourhealt
h,”Isai
dcomplet
elyst
rayi
ngawayfr
om
thetopi
cathand.
“I
t’
smydr
iver
’s,
”hesays.Het
ookmyhand,
“Let
’s
go”
“
Ijustdon’
twantt
obeout
side,
”asIwaspr
otest
ing
hedr aggedmeoutoft her oom.Heaskedmy
brothersforpermissi
ontot akemeoutand
surprisi
nglytheyall
owedhi m,thoughMzamowasa
l
itt
lehesitant
.“Isyourfr
iendgoi ngtof
oll
owus?
”I
askedaswest rol
ledout.
“Yep,
”hesayst
aki
ngmyhand.Doesheeverget
pri
vacyt
hough?
Whenwear rivedatt heriverwesatont hegrass
faci
ngeachot her.Hesmi l
edsoIt ooktosmi li
ng
back.Iremembert hef i
rstti
meImethi m;hissmi le
annoyedmesomuchbecausei tseemedt obehi s
manipulat
iveweapont hatheusedt ogetafree
passatever ything.Butthenagai nI’dfi
ndmysel f
smili
ngatthet houghtofhi sri
diculoussmile.Ifeel
real
lycalm her ewithhim.
“
Howar
eyouf
eel
ing?
”heasked.
“
Relaxed…”Isaidexhal
inghopi
ngi
t’
llconvi
ncehi
m
t
hatIam calm andrel
axed.
“See…youneededthis,
”hesighed.“
Thi
smi ghtnot
betherightti
me,butIfeel
Ineedtosayitnow,”he
sayspickingont
hegr asswit
hhisheaddown.My
eyesar ef
ixedonhim wait
ingforhimt ospil
lhi
s
guts.Ihopewhathehast osaywon’ thurtmeor
dist
ur bmysoul.Myheartcan’ttakeanymor e.
“Ndifunaucel
auxolokuwe, Ishouldn’thave
beli
evedhim.I’
m sorr
y”(Iwantt oapol ogi
zetoyou)
Ithoughtwewer el
ongpassedt his.
“
It
’sokay…Ij
ust
…”
“Nomamel a,
”(Li
sten)“notbeingabl
etotalktoyou
kil
ledme.Itf
eltwrong…Iknowwewer enottoget
her
butIenj
oyedeverysecondIspentwi t
hyou.You’re
prett
ycoolpri
ncess,”hesmirked.
“Enkosif
orukucelauxol
o.I
ttakesgut
sandalotof
trai
ningforapri
ncetoadmithewaswrong…wel
l
done,”hegiggl
ed.
“
We’
renott
hatbad,
evenasboyf
ri
endsket
ana…”
“Boypl ease…Iwil
lmarryazuluhunk…”Ipr
ided
mysel foverthat
.I’
velostal
otinthepastt
woweeks
orsobutonet hi
ngthatisst
il
lint
acti
sthefactt
hatI
sti
llwantt obeSuperwomanandmar r
yaZuluhunk,
period.
“
Azul
uhunk!
”hecr
ied.“
Gir
lpl
ease…uzot
shat
wa
ndim wena,”therewasasecondofsi l
ence.Wej ust
bothgotlostineachot her’seyes.Apar tofme
beli
evesthatsomuch, butt here’
sthatpartofme
that’
sarealist.Li
khakhaandIwoul dnevereverbe
together
!Notasl ongasmybl oodisstil
lthatofa
commoner .Ihopehedi dn’tmeant hat…buthiseyes
tel
lmeever ythingIneedt oknowandf rom thi
s
anglehemeansever ywor d.
“How’
shmm. ..
”Ican’
tgetmyselft
ospeak.Iknow
whatIwanttosaybutthewordsarejustst
uck
downmyt hr
oat.“
How’syourmom, Ikumkanikazi
?”
“Ohshei sfi
neman.Shej ustmi
ssesyou,
”hegot
closer
.“Kutheniungayombona,
?”(
Whydon’tyougo
andvisither?
)heasked.
“Uhno,alothashappenedandI
’
mj ustnotreadyto
expl
ain.Besi
desthatwomanwil
lseeri
ghtthrough
me…”
“
Comewi
thme…”
“NoLikhakha,
I’
mjustnotr
eadyt
ofaceheryet
,”I
prot
ested.
“
Imeant
oKZN.
”Ther
e’sanot
herawkwar
dpause.
Doesthi
sguyhearhi
mselfwhenhespeaks?Imean
hesaysthemostr
andom oft
hingsandt
ohimitall
seemsnormal
.
“
Anddowhat?Doyouhavebusi
nessyouneedt
o
t
akecar
eof
?”
“
Ihaveahouset
her
e,af
latact
ual
ly…”hesays.
“
Doyouwantmet
ocl
eani
tforyou?
”Iasked.
“No!Never!I’
dneveraskyout odothat,
”he
grimaced.“Youcanattendvarsit
yandstayther
e…”
hesayssof r
eel
yli
kewhathej ustsaidi
snormal.
Doesheknowwhathe’ ssayingtome?Doeshe
reali
sethedepthofthewor dsthatj
ustr
oll
edoutof
hismout h?Ihaveconcludedthathedoesnothear
himselfwhenhespeaks.
“Youhaveaf l
atinKZN!Ar eyouki ddi
ngme? ”Ican
feelmyf aceli
ghtingup.Apar tofmei ssoooo
happy.Iknowt her ei
salwayst hatpartofmethat
willsear
chf oreverypossibl
enegat i
vethingabout
thi
s.HoldonI ’l
lsearchforit
…
“Uyezaokanye?
”(Ar
eyoucomingorwhat?
)He
asked.“
Thehouseisal
waysempty,
I’
m hardl
yever
t
her
e…you’
l
lhavei
tal
ltoyour
sel
f”
“
Idon’tknow,”Iwhi
spered.Yes!Mybr
other
sand
t
uit
ion;that
’stheot
herpart…
“
Ireal
lyappr
eci
ateal
loft
hisbutt
hemai
nreason
wasnotaccommodati
on…i
twas…”
“
Finances,
”hecutmeshor
t,“
That
’swher
eIcome
i
n…”
“
Whatdoyoumean?
”Iasked.
“
I’
llpay,
”
Myjawsdr oppedtot
hegr
ound.“
I’
m sor
rypayf
or
what?
”Ipinchedmyar mj
ustt
owakemyselfupin
caseI
’m asleep.
“Letmepayforyourfeesplease…”I’
m sti
llpi
nchi
ng
myar m.“
Hey,don’
tdot hat,
”heseparatedmyhand
from myarm.“
It
’sokay,it
’sallr
eal
,”hekissedmy
hand.
“Ican’
tletyoudothat.I
t’
sal otofmoneyand…”I
stood,
“Ijustcan’
t…”Ist
artedcrying.Iam j
ustso
weakthesedays,itspat
hetic.
“
Lookatme,
”hest
oodwi
thme.Het
ookmyhand
andpull
edmeclosert
ohi
m.“
Iwantt
odot
his.
Pleasel
etme…”
“Thisisaj oke…udl al
angam”Isai dwi pi
ngmyt ears.
Iam tryingt opr ogrammemymi ndt owakeupand
beint hismomentandbel ievet hatallofthi
sisr eal.
YoumeanIcangetawayf rom her e?Icanspr ead
mywi ngsandbeNobuhl eandnotj ustt
het hr
ee
brother’
ssi ster?Thi sisrealf olks.Suddenl yIjust
start
edl aughi ngoutl oud,hyst ericall
y.“
Sorry,
”Isai d
real
isinghowembar rassedIf eelj ustl
aughinglike
thatfornor eason.Icover edmymout hwithmy
handbutIcoul dn’tholdmyl aughback.Ij ust
l
aughedl i
keIwasmad…hel aughedal ongwi t
hme.
Whatt hehel lar ewel aughingat ?
“
Ist
hatayes”heaskedi
nthemi
ddl
eofl
aughi
ng.
“Areyoukiddi ngme?Yes! !
”Ijumpedathi m andhe
didn’
tletmef al
l.Hepi ckedmer ightupandhel don
ti
ghttomeandever yt
hingf el
tri
ght.Istar
tedcr yi
ng
again.Iburiedmyf aceinhi sneckandj ustcried.“
I
j
ustdi dn’
tthinkt hi
soppor tunit
ywoul devercome
againsosoon”Imumbl edt hr
ought hatsentence.
“Don’
tcry,you’regoingtomakemecr y.You
deserveallofthis…”healsoshovedhi sfaceinmy
neckandki ssedmyneckr epeatedly.Hef i
nal
lyput
medownandl ookedatmewi t
hasmi lethati
sasa
resul
tofthej oyoozingfr
om myf ace.“Let’
sgoto
KZN,”
“
Let’
sgoooo”Ishout
edont
opofmyl
ungs.He
l
aughed.
“
KZN!KZN!KZN!
”hechant
edandIj
oinedhi
m.
Ican’
twait
!Ican’twai ttobreathe,toexhal
e.Iwil
l
beSuperwoman...Iwillbeawesome.Iam l eavi
ng
thi
splaceandallthetr agicmemor iesi
tholdsfor
me.Igettostar
taf r
esh.Cl eanslate,i
t’
sanewpl ace,
newpeople,newever ything.Icannotwait.
[
01/
05,
13:
41] :ENTRY30
“Ut
hiniNobuhle,
”Mzisaysr ecoil
inginconfusi
on.I
j
ustexpl ai
nedtothem whatLikhakhasaidtome.By
t
helooksoft hi
ngsMzidoesn’ tfeelcomfor
tabl
e
wit
ht hewholeideaandasusualdadi snothere.
He’
spr obablysomewheretryingtof i
ndsol
aceat
t
hebot tom ofabottl
e.
“Hewantsmet omovetoKZNwi t
hhim.Hehasa
fl
att
here…he’l
lpayf
ormystudi
esandt henIwil
l
payhim backwhenIst
artwor
king,
”Iexplai
ned
agai
n.

“
You’
l
lbest
ayi
ngwi
thhi
m?”Mziasked.

“
Techni
cal
ly,
no;he’
sawaymostoft
het
ime…”Isay.

“
Soyou’
l
lbeal
one?
”Mandl
aasksandInodded.

“That’
snotsaf
e.Awazimntupha.Whati
fyouneed
help…?”(
Youdon’tknowanyonet
her
e)

“Bhuti,
Ineedt ogoandbeabi ggirlnow…thisguyi
s
givi
ngmeanoppor tuni
tyyoucouldn’t.Pl
easedon’
t
takeitawayf r
om me.Leavingthi
spl acewouldbe
verytherapeuti
cformeandyouknowi tt
oo,
”
Mzisi
ghedandl
ookedatMzamo.
“Andiboningxakimna,”(
Idon’tseeaprobl
em)
Mzamobacksme.Ismi l
edathim.“Kodwake,”(
but)
ther
ehegoes…Iknewt herewassomet hi
ngcoming.
“Youcalleveryday.Youcomehomeasof tenas
youpossiblycan.Giveusyouraddress.Si
zwe
knowsaf ewpeopl ether
e,I’
l
lgethimtogetonefor
you.”

Al
loft
hesecondi
ti
onsar
esuf
focat
ingme.

“
Whatwi
llIdowi
thhi
m?”

“Youwi l
lcallhi
mifyouneedhel
pwithanythi
ng.If
wecan’ tgetaholdofyouwewil
lsendhim over
…he
willbecomingoverrandoml
ytocheckifeveryi
sin
order…”
“SoIwil
lbewat
ched,
li
keal
it
tl
ebaby…”i
she
seri
ous?

“Wejustwantyoutobesaf
e…”hejust
if
ieshi
msel
f.
Itookadeepbreat
hinandthenout
.
“Stop!youcoul dn'tkeepmesaf efr
om him, so...
"is
toppedmysel fbeforeicoul dsaysomethingr eall
y
hurtfulthatimightr egret."
Okguys,mamel ani,
”
(l
isten)“Iunderstandt hatwe’real
labitshaken, but
Ineedyouguyst ocal m down.I’
m notli
tt
le
anymor e…coul dyoupl easet r
ustmeandLi khakha.I
don’tneedamanwat chingoverme, Idon’tneedt o
calleveryday…”theyl ookedatoneanot herasi f
theywer ecommuni catingwi t
hthei
reyes.“ i
foneof
yousaysnot henIwon’ tgo…butIwantyout oknow
thatthisissomet hingIr eal
lyneedtodobutIcan’ t
doi twithoutyourbacki ng”

“Baf
o,”MzamosaystoMzi.“
WeknowLi khakha.I
tr
usthim,I
’veseenhi
m wi
thherandIcanproudly
sayhe’saman.He’l
ldoanyt
hingt
omakesur e
she’ssaf
e.El
am l
it
hiifwehavehi
mthenwehave
nothingt
oworryabout,
”

“Okfine!”Mzigavein.“
Ungavaya, ”(
Youcango)
“butIwillhaveawor dwit
hhi m bef
oreyouleave…I
promiseyouBuhl eifhedarestouchyouIwi l
lkil
l
him withmyhandsandper sonall
ydeli
verhi
sbody
tohisfather,
”wellt
hat’
snotnice.

“
Thankyou, butyoudon’thavetoworryaboutal
lof
t
hat;Li
khakhaisagentleman, he’
dnevertouchme
wit
houtmyper missi
on,
”Idef endedLi
khakhaname.

“
Sti
llNobuhl
e,ndi
zomqhekeza…”(
I’
llbr
eakhi
m)

“Takecar
eofyoursel
fsi
si,
”sai
dMzamot ryingto
putupastrongfr
ontbutIcanseer
ightt
hroughhis
eyes.He’
smad.He’sbeenangrysi
ncehef oundout
aboutRhadebe.
“
Lungi
s’
ubusobhut
i,
”

“Iwillmakesur
eshecomeshomever
yof
ten,
”
Likhakhatr
iedt
ocheert
hem up

“
Haisho,
”hetoughenedup.Dadi
snother
e,I
’
dhave
l
ovedtosaygoodbyetohi
m.

“
Saygoodbyet
odadf
orme,
”Ishutt
hedoor
.

“Youguysdon’ thavetoleavetodaycomeon, you

canleavetomor r
ow, l
et’
scelebrat
et onight,
”Mandla
said.Ihavenothingtocelebrat
euntilIcanbean
offi
cialst
udentoftheUni ver
sit
yofKwa- Zul
uNatal.
ButIunder st
andwher ehe’scomingf rom.Wehave
nevereverbeenapar t
,wegr ewupt oget her
.We’r
e
allweknow.

“
Mandl
a,wet
alkedaboutt
hisnj
ena.Ihavet
ogo
andsor
touti
zint
ozesi
kol
o…”

“
Likhakhacomeonmf
ethu,
justonemor
eday,
”
Mandlabegged.

“Let
’sjuststayonemoredayandcel
ebr
ate,
itwon’
t
hurt
,”Likhakhaisnowonthei
rsi
de.

“
Isi
kol
oLi
khakha,
”(schoolLi
khakha,
)

“thewholeweekubuhlambananempahl
a,cl
eani
ng
thehouse.Justgi
veusonemor edaywit
hyouthen
youcanventureofft
obeSuperwoman,”–Mandla.

“fi
neke!”Igavein,“Siyahambakodwangomso, no
excuses,”t
heyallrejoiced.Gosh…willmybrot
hers
everbeabletoletgo;Iwonder edasIwatchedthem
rej
oiceoverthefactt hatIwasst ayi
ngonemor e
day.
“Let’
sgot othetshisanyama,
”Li
khakha
enthusiast
ical
lysaid.“
We’rewal
king,
”cl
ear
lyhehas
forgot
tenwhohei s.
Aswewer eal
lwalki
ngtothetshisanyama, I
rememberedthatIlef
tmyphonei nthebagandI’
ve
beencommuni cati
ngwithaladyf r
om UKZN.She’s
beentryi
ngtohelpmegetmyt hi
ngssor t
ed.Ihadto
expl
aineveryt
hingtoherandluckilyshewaskind
enoughtopullsomestri
ngsforme.

“
Guys,Ihavetogoback,
Ilef
tmyphone,
”Isai
d
t
urni
ngeveryone’
sat
tent
iontome.

“
Leavei
t,
”sai
dMzamo

“No!theladymightcal
l,
”Iwai
stednomor
eti
me,
I
star
tedrunningback.
“
Sizol
indaapha…bal
eka,
”Ihear
dLi
khakhashout
.

Igothomeandwentt ot heki t
chenf oragl assof
wat er,I
’m notaver yactiveper son.Iam suddenl y
thinkingofthatnight;whenIwasr unningint he
dar klookingforsafety.Ir ememberhowmyt hr oat
wasbur ningandhowmyhear twasbeat inglikea
jungl edrum.Myf eetwer eachi ngli
keI’vebeen
runni ngforweeks.That ’
showscar edand
desper ateIwasf orsafet y.Icaughtmysel ftr
ailing
of fwithnegativethought sandshookmyhead
wi ll
ingthethoughtstovani sh…myphonest arted
ringing.Irantomybedr oom t opi ckitup.Idon’ t
knowt hisnumber …

“
HELLO,
”

“YOUOWEME,”t
hevoi
ceont
heot
herendoft
he
phonesai
d.
“WHO’ STHI S?”Iasked.Ihearf oot st
eps…I
i
mmedi atelytellmyselfitseitherdadoroneoft he
boys.Icutt hecal lbecausecl earlythisperson
dial
ledt hewr ongnumber .“Tata,ndingapha,”(Dad,
I’
m her e)Isai d.Iappliedsomel ipbalm andf i
xed
myhai r ;afterall
,Likhakhaist hereso…Ineedt o
represent .“Tata,si…”asIexi tedmybedr oom int
o
thelivi
ng- room.Igott heshockofmyl if
e.Hewas
j
ustst andi ngt heresmi l
ing,lookinglikemybi ggest
fearandconst antnightmare.If eltmykneesf ail
ing
me.

“Azangendi thihamba,”(Ididn’tsayl eave)het ook

offhisblazer.“YouandIdi dn’tevenenj oyone
another,Iunderstand”hekeptt akingstepscl oser
.
I’
m standingagai nstt
hewal ltryingtof i
gur eoutmy
nextmove.Thedoori sshutsoI ’
m surehel ocked.
“fi
rstti
mesar ealwaysconfusing, ”headds.“ But
youshoul dhavet oldmet hatyouhaveneverbeen
touched…t hatyoukeptallofthatf orme.Iwas
goingtot akeiteasyonyou…”Ihavenot hingtosay.
WhenIf elthishandgr abbingmyt hi
gh, Il
etouta
smal lscream, Icoul dfeelmymi ndt ryi
ngt ofai lme
l
ikemyl egsdi d.Ifeltmymi ndaccept i
ngwhathe
want edtohur tmel i
ket helastti
me…butIcoul dn’t
got hroughi tagai n.Heki ssedmyneck, “hmm you
smel lgood,”hewhi speredinmyear .Mybodywent
cold.Wi t
hj usthi sbar ehandshet or emydr ess
l
eavi ngmenakedbef orehim.Hest artedexpl or i
ng
mybodyf r
om t heneckdown.Whenhewas
kneel i
ngdownki ssingmyt highs;IknewIhadt odo
somet hing.Ipushedhi m sohar dt hathel ost
balanceandl andedonhi sback, asIwasr unni ng,I
tr
ippedandf ell,whichgavehi m enought imet or i
se
up.

Iwasn’tabouttogiveup.runningtot
hef r
ontdoor
i
snotanopt ionbecauseitdoesn’tgi
vemeenough
ti
metounl ock,openandrun.Iwentintothekit
chen
andpickedupaver ybigknife.Hewasr i
ghtbehind
me.

“
Yourf
athersol
dyouof
fyoul
it
tl
esl
ut…”hesai
dout
ofanger
.

“Don’tyoudar ecomecl oset omeorIpr omiseIwi l

l
kil
lyou,”Ithreatenedhi m butt hatdi dtheopposi te.
Hegr abbedachunkofmyhai randvi olentl
yt ur
ned
mear ound.Hepushedmyupperbodyont ot he
tabl
e.Ihitmyf oreheadsohar dthatmysi ghtwasa
l
itt
ledistort
ed.Icoul dfeel hi
m behi ndmepr eparing
himself.Withthekni f
est i
llinmyhandIknewI
wasn’taboutt ogodownwi t
houtaf ight.Istabbed
hislegwi t
hever ypoweri nmeandcamebackwi t
h
theknife.Hecr iedlikeal i
ttlegirl
,that’
swhenI
real
isedhowweakhewas.“ Youbi tch!”hecr ied.I
gotmysel fbackup.Thent heknifewenti ntohi s
chest.Her ecoiledintoshock.Heat tempt edt oslap
mebuthehadnobal ancesoIwasabl et ododge
thatslap.Hest agger edandf ell
,

Aforcedwithi
nmeawakened,hewasn’tat
hreatt
o
meanymor e.Icoul
djustr
unoutt
ogoandgethelp.
I
nstead,Iwentonmykneesandfi
nishedwhatI
st
art
ed.Myknif
emadeholesinhischest
,many
hol
es.Ist
oppedassoonasIreal
isedt
hatRhadebe
wasnolongeri
nthi
sroom,j
usthisbody.

That ’
swhenIst art
edt opanic.“ WhathaveIdone? ”I
saidt omysel f.He’snotmovi ng…Il aughedoutl oud
andt henIstoppedmysel fagai n.Iki ll
edaman.No!
Ican’ tgotopr ison.Ithadcompl et elysli
ppedmy
mi ndwhathappenst omurder ers.Iam a
mur der er
…heneedst owakeup.heneedst owake
up.Il aidmyhandsonhi schestl iket heydoont v,
is
startedpumpi ngandpumpi ng.“ Nonono…pl ease
wakeup!I ’m sorry,
”Iam apol ogizi ngt oalif
eless
body.Nowmyhandsar ebloody.It ookaj ugof
wat eront het ableandpour edi tonhi m,Iwas
hopi nghe’dwakeupbuthedi dn’tevenmove.The
j
ugi sbloodyandsoi smydr ess.Wel lwhat’
sl ef
tof
i
t.Ijustst oodt hereandwat chedhi m withtears
fl
owi ngdownmyeyest ofi
ndr efugei nmycheeks.

“
Nobuhl
e,si
desabuyamf
odi
ni.Uphikant
i?”t
hey’
re
back.Oneoft hem openedthedoor.I
t’
sMandl a…I
canseehi m buthecan’tseem me.“Whyisitl
ocked?
Nobu…”hi seyesf i
nall
yfoundme.“Nobuhle.
Wenzeni ?”(Nobuhle,
whathaveyoudone?)hei s
start
led.Hiseyesbeheldadeadmanandacr ying
girli
nabl oodytorndress.

“I’
m sor
ry,
”Iutter
ed.Therestwalkedin…andt othei
r
shock,t
hereisadeadmanont heirki
tchenf l
oor.
“I’
m sor
ry,
”Irubbedmybloodyhandst ogethert
o
showhowsor r
yIwas.I’
m notsurewhatI ’m sor
ry
forbutI
’m sorr
y.

“You’
resor
ry?Whatt
hehel
lhappened?
”Mzi
does
notsoundnice.

“Mzi,Isuggestyoucalm down,l
ookather
…she’
s
scared,”Li
khakhadefendedme.Hehuggedmeas
bloodyasIwas.“ Ineedyoutotel
luswhat
happenedsowecoul dhelpyou…”hesai
d.
“
Ithoughti
twasdad,
het
oremydr
essand…and
t
hen,”

“
Cal
m down,
”Mzamor
ubbedmyshoul
der
.

“Hhetor
emydr essandtouchedme.Icoul
dn’
tlet
him doi
tagai
n”Isaid.

“
Listentome,
”sai
dMzamo,
“youdi
dther
ight
t
hing,”

“Wher e’
sthekni f
e? ”Dadjustwalkedi nsoberand
helookedl i
kehi mself.Iwassohappyt oseehi m.I
ranintohisarmsf orahugandhehuggedmel i
ke
hisli
fedependedoni t
.Hethencuppedmyf aceand
l
ookedmei ntheeye.“ Youaremyf lower,my
warrior.Lookathowbr aveyouwer e,yougott hat
from yourmot herbecauseIam nott hisbrave.You
didther i
ghtthing;youpr ot
ectedyour sel
f.Mandla
cal
lthepol
ice,
wher
e’st
hekni
fe…”

“
Amapol
isat
ata,
”Iexcl
aimed.

“Buhle,l
etmef i
xthis.GotoUKZNandf i
ndthatzulu
hunk.Superwomanawai t
syou.Oryoucoul djust
becomeapr i
ncessbymar ryi
ngthisboyhere,”he
ti
lt
edhi sheadtowardsLikhakha.Wegiggledover
that
.“Ididyouwr ongmyl uckycharm,Iwas
supposedt oprot
ectyou.Nowl etmepayf or
everythi
ng.Mandla,haveyoucalledthepoli
ce?”
Mandl anodded.“Good!”

THEEND
[
01/
05,
13:
41] :ENTRY31
Ifyouhaver eadDuduBusaniDube’ sbooks,
parti
cularl
y;Hlomuthewi f
e,you’
llseethatHlomu
doesn’tintr
oducehersel
ftothereadersinthe
beginningofthebook.Sheallowedust ofalli
nlove
withaper sonwedidn’tknownamedHl omu, whi
ch
gaveusspacet oimaginehowshel ooked.Butaft
er
shehadengagedi nsexualr el
ati
onswi t
hMqhel e,
shethenintroducedher sel
f.Shepaintedhersel
f.
Shedescribedherphysi calappearanceetc.Idi
dn’t
exposemysel ftoyouguys…IguessIwasbusy
tr
yingtonotdi e.Li
ter
all
y!

Nowt hatIhavebeenexposedtotheharshnessof
thisworl
d.Nowt hatamanhasbeeni nsi
deofme
forcef
ull
y.Nowthatmyhandsar eresponsi
blefor
kil
li
ng,It
hinkIshouldgi
vemyselftoyou.Painta
pictur
eofmyselfforal
ltosee.

Mynamei sNobuhl eMqokel iandIam ni net

een
yearsold.Ididmymat r
iclastyearandpassed
excepti
onall
ywel lbecauseIwor kedreallyhard.Not
becauseI’m smar t
.Iam li
ghtski nnedlikemymom
andnextt omybr othersandf ather,Ist
andoutl ikea
sorethumg.I ’
m ashortgirl–whi chnowmakesme
thi
nkthatLikhakhaandmybr othersmi ghtnotbe
real
lytal
l,I
’mjustreall
yshor t,Ihavever yshortand
feweyel ashesandt hineyebr ows.Peopl eact ually
thoughtIt weezed.Ihaver abbitteethandr eally
smal lears,okever yt
hingofmi neissmal l.Myl i
ps
arepl umpandper fect,t
heymat chmycompl exion.I
haveabi rthmar konthel eft
-handsi deofmyneck.
It’
sshapedl i
keashapel esscl oud.Mybr others
havet ri
edt ofigureoutwhati twasbutt heyf ail
ed.
Tot hisdayIhavenoi deawhati tis.Physiquewi se;
Iwoul dsayIam pet i
teIhaveasmal lwaist…Igot
thatfrom mymom andcur vesi njustther i
ght
places.I’
m agoodgi rl
!I’vealwaysbeenagoodgi r
l.
I’
mr esponsi bl
e, r
espectfulandr eserved.

Ni
cet
omeetyou.
Iki
ll
edaman.

“Pr
incess,I’
vebeent oj
ailbef
ore.Icansurvive…you
won’t
…t hepoliceareontheway.Ineedust obui ld
ourstory,
”dadsaid.Iam numb…If eell
iket
hr owing
up.Thesmel lofbloodi
smaki ngmygut st
wi stand
tur
n.
“Buhle,j
ustlethi
m dothi
s.Theywi
lll
ockyouup…”
Likhakhapleadedwit
hme.

“Masi
zamen’
eli
nyei
cebo.Ndi
zot
hii
biyisel
f-
def
ense,
”Icr
ied.

“
Youstabbedhi
mrepeat
edl
yNobuhl
e….
”Says
Mzamo.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”Isai
d.

“
Lookatme,”dadsai
d.“
Youdi
dther
ightt
hing.Now
i
t’
smyturn,
”

Wecr eat
edourstoryandmadesur ethatwedon’ t
changealotofdetai
ls.Icamehomet ofet
chmy
phone,heshowedupoutofnowher eandtouched
me…Ipushedhim andhef el
lsoIr
antothekitchen.
Hefol
lowedmeandt ouchedmeagai n.That’
swhen
dadshowedupandst abbedhimtodeat h.I
pani
ckedsoIpouredwat eronhi
m hopinghe’d
wakeup.That
’sourstory.

Notsol ongaf ter ;thepolicear rived.Thenei ghbor s

wer est andingout sidewi ththeireyesgl uedonour
house.Wewer easkedquest ions.Iwant edt otell
thet ruthbutIdi dn’t.myf atherbeggedt he
policemant onotcuf fhim becausehedi dn’twant
met oseet hat .Iki l
ledamansoseei ngmyf at
herin
cuffswoul dn’ tdomuchdamage.Hegaveusapep
talkbef orehel ef t.Het ol
dust onotf ightandst ay
strongf oroneanot herandhet oldmet odat e
Likhakha.Li khakhapr omi sedt ogethi sl awyeron
thismat terbuti tseemedl ikedaddi dn’ tcar emuch
aboutt helawyerhej ustgavehi m hi sbl essingst o
bewi thme.Wecl eanedt hebl oodont heki tchen
floorandIt ookabat hbutIcanst i
llsmel lit.
Ever yonei sj ustnumbandki ndofr el i
evedt hat
Rhadebei sdeadbutj usthowi tallhappenedi s
what ’ssaddeni ng.MzamoandMzi aresi t
ti
ng
toget
her,LikhakhaandIt
ogetherandMandlaal
one.
Thereissil
enceeverywher
e.Ifeell
ikenoonei
s
evenbreathing.

“Mandl
a,”Li
khakhabr
eaksthesil
enceandmyheart
j
umpsal it
tl
e.“
Mmasiyothengaukut
ya,
”(Let
’sgo
andbuyfood)

“Don’
tbot
heryour
sel
f,Idoubtanyonewi
lleat
,”Mzi
says.

“Weallneedtoeat,
allofus…l
et’
sgetf
ood”
Li
khakhaprotest
s.Iwanttoagreewi
thhi
m.They
needtoeat.

“He’
sr i
ght,
youguysneedt oeat
.Rhadebedeser
ved
everyt
hingthathappenedt
ohim,Ihopeheburnsin
hell
,
”
Theywentt otownandcamebackwi t
hKFCand
al
cohol icbeveragest onumbt hepain.I fIknewa
drugdeal erI’
dgoandgetsomeheavydr ugsfor
mysel f
.Yes;Rhadebedeser vedeveryt hingthat
happenedt ohi m butIst i
llr
egr etki
ll
inghi m.I t
s
weighingheavi lyi
nmyhear t.Hehurtmei nthe
wor stpossibl
ewayamal ecoul dhurtaf emal e.He
mademef eelli
keIwasanobj ect.Butf ateand
naturehadot herpl ansforhim.Thewor ldjusthas
i
tswayoft urningthingsar ound.Event ual l
yhewas
goingt opayf orallhissinsandmaybemeki ll
ing
hi
m wast hatevent uall
y.

“Buhle,pleasebr
ingsomepl ate,
”Mziasked.Whyi s
heaski ngme?Iam busyhur ti
ng.Anyway;Iwentt o
thekitchenandmyat tent
ionisimmediatelypul
led
tothef l
oor.Ther
e’sblood;Ithoughtwe’dcleaned
thatup.Imi xedwaterinabucketandmi xeditwit
h
somecl eani
ngdetergentsjusttoquenchthesmel l
.

“
Buhl
e,pl
easebr
ingsomegl
asses,
”oneoft
hem
shout
edfrom theli
ving-
room.Idi dn’
tsayanythi
ng.I
wil
lsortt
hem outoncet hi
sbl oodisal
lgone.Now
myhandsarebl oody.Thisbloodishumanbl ood
andInevert
houghti nmyl i
femyhandswoul dbe
cover
edinsomuchbl ood.

“
Nobuhl
e,
”oneoft
hem cr
ied.

“Nndit
hendi
yeza!
!”Ishoutaggr
essi
vel
y.Ikept
scrubbi
ngandscr
ubbingjustsothesmellcoul
d
sti
ck.

“Wenzanisi
si?
”(Whatar
eyoudoi
ng?
)Whendi
dMzi
gether
e?

“I’
mt r
yingtocleant
hisblood,”Isaidnotpaying
attent
iontohim.Icont
inuedt oscrub.Nowt hey’
re
allher
el ooki
ngatmelikeI’m cr
azy.Likhakhatook
thebucketaway.“Whatar eyoudoi ng?”
“Si
si,
akhogaziapho.Wecleanedi
tear
li
er,
”(t
her
eis
nobloodther
e)Mandlasays.

Il
ookedupatthem f
umingbecausethereisblood
al
lovermyhandsandtheycan’
ttel
lmet hereisno
bl
oodwhenthereiscl
earl
ybl
oodever ywhere.

“Whatdoyoumeant her e’snobloo…”It ookmy

eyesbackt othefloorandt omysur pri
se…there’s
j
ustwat er!Soapedwat er .Myhandsar eclean.“It
washer eIpr omise,”ohheavensam Icr azy?“ My
handshadbl oodjustnow, ”tear
sst artedsli
ding
downmycheeks.Myt onewasver yl ow…Iwant ed
toconvincet hem thatIwasnotcr azy;t hough
nothingaboutt heirfacialexpressionssayst hey
thi
nkI ’
m crazy.Likhakhal et
’southishandandIgot
ahol dofit.Hepul l
edmet omyf eet.Isawbl ood
there,t
hat’swhyIwentt ogetwat ert ocleanitup.
Myhandshadbl ood.

Af
teranot
herepi
sodeofsi
lence,
theyf
orcedmet
o
eat
.

“
Likhakhai
t’
s23:
53,
youneedt
ogohome,
”Isai
d.

“No,
youneedme,I
’l
lst
ayherewi
thyou…”hesai
d
andthatmademesohappy.

“
Andyourdr
iver
?”

“
Ical
ledhi
m adr
iver
,”

“
Andyourf
ather
?”

“
Ndi
mcaci
seleubafunekandi
bel
apha,
”(Iexpl
ained
t
ohi
mthatIneedtobehere)

“Thankyou,
”Isaidsqueezi
nghi
shand.Hesmi
led.
There’
sthatsmil
e…ital
waysget
sme.
“Yourdadhasgi
venmehisblessi
ngssobasi
cal
ly
youandIareanit
em,”hesays.Webot
hgiggl
ed.
ThankGodforLi
khakha.I
’
m happyhe’
shere.

“
Thankyouf
orbei
ngher
e,i
tmeansal
ot…”

“ImeantitwhenIsaidIwon’
tleaveyouagain.I
’m
hereforyouandyourbrot
her
s…t houghI
’m ali
tt
le
scaredofMziandMzamo.Especi al
lyMzamo, t
hat
guymeansbusi ness…”
[
01/
05,
13:
42] :ENTRY32
We’real
lsti
llwide-
awaket r
yingt
ofindsomething
normalaboutthisday.Iguesssomealcoholanda
fewjoi
ntsformybr other
sandLikhakhaareof
somehelp.Asf orme…Idon’tknow.

“Utat
awabanj
wani ni
?”(
Whenwasdadarrest
ed?)I
askedoutt
heblue.Ir
ememberhement
ionedthat
hecoul
dsur
vivej
ailbecausehe’
sbeent
her
ebef
ore.

“Wawungekabikhowena…”Mzii sdist
urbedbythe
dooropening.It
sher.We’r
eallj
ustlooki
ngather
standi
ngthere.Shedidn’
tevenknock.“Palesa,
”he
says.

“Mzi,
”shesays.Thenthenextt
hingthey’
real
l
wrappedaroundeachother
’sarms.“
Uxolobabe,I
tr
iedtocomeearlybutku-
busyekhaya.Kukhona
umgidingomso,”

“Sukhathazeka.UlaphangokuandIf eelbetter
,”he
kissesherf or
ehead.Whent heyfinallyreleaseeach
other,shelooksatt hehouset henatMzi .That
meansMzimustdoani ntr
oduction,butIknowmy
brotherandhei snott hatformal.Buthergazei s
quicklythrownbackatt hehouse.“ OhmyGosh”
shecr i
ed.Shel ookedsoshocked…l ikeshewas
seeingaghost .sheknel tdown, “
Dal i
ndyebo!
Undixolelenkosana, bendingakuboni ,
”andt henit
hi
tsme;Li
khakha…he’
sapr
ince.If
orgotaboutt
hat
.

“Ungaphakamasi
si.
”Li
khakhapol
it
elysai
dandshe
obeyed.Mandl
agaveuphisseatf
orher.

“
NguNobuhl ekelo,
”ohMzii sdoingtheintr
ot hi
ng.
I
tsreal
lyunl
ikehim.IseePalesahast aughthim
t
hingortwo.“she’
smyl i
tt
lesist
erslashgirl
fr
iend,
”

“
HiNobuhl
e,I
’
m Pal
esa…”shesayswi
thasmi
le.

“Oh!Iknowwhoyouare.Ever
ynowandagainyou
sneakintot
hehouseatni
ghtandsl
eepover
…”

“Buhle,behave!
”Mzir
epri
mands,
Mandl
aand
Likhakhalaughedi
toff
.

“
Whathappenedher
eexact
ly?
”sheasks.Weal
l
l
ookedateachot
her
.

“Iki
ll
edaman, ”Isai
dwit
hast r
aightf
ace.Sheal
so
hashereyesgluedonme.Ithensmi l
ed,t
hat’
s
whensheexhal edandl
aughed.Wealljoi
nedint
he
l
aughing.Andthat’
showyoudot hatfol
ks,j
ustt
urn
i
tintoajoke.

“Anyway, Iwantyouguyst oknowt hatI

’m her efor
allofyou,”shesays.Shel ookslikeshe’
llbear ound
forawhi l
e.Notj usttodayorthisweek,she’sher e
forthelongr un.“Waitguys!Asinokwaziuvele
sihlal
eandpr et
endlikeeveryt
hingisnormal ;sihl
eli
nonyanawenkosiapha, nj
ani?
”(Wecan’ tjust
sit…we’r
ewi t
ht heking’sson,how? )

“
I’
m Nobuhl
e’
sboyf
ri
end,
”Li
khakhasays.

“Amen,”shesaysandcl
apsonce.Oh!Il
ikeher
,she
doestheclappi
ngoncet
hingy.
“
Suxoka,you’
renotmyboyf
ri
end,
”Idef
ended
mysel
f.

“Butyouwillbe…”hedoesn’
tbackdownbuti
nst
ead
hesmi r
ks.Gosh…thi
sguy.

“
Kut
shobani
?”(
Sayswho?
)Iasked.

“Si
bhejamal
ini
?”(
Howmuchar
ewebet
ti
ng?
)he
says.

“Don’t
…ohmygoshj ustst
op,”Isay.IhopeI ’
m not
blushi
ngr i
ghtnow.Wor dofadvice;getyouaman
thatcanmakeyout urnpinkandr edevenaf t
er
kil
li
ngaman.Thati sofcourseifyou’replanningon
commi tt
ingmurder.

“
Ndi
zokut
shat
auzobona…st
ru”(
I’
llmar
ryyou,
I
swear)doesthisguyeverlist
entohimselfwhenhe
speaks.Helit
eral
lycrossedhisheart
.Icouldn’
tsay
anythi
ng…myj awsjustrefusetoopenupanddo
whatthey’
remeantt odo.Ipromiseyou,Likhakha
hasspecialpowers.

“
Clear
lyt
her
e’sal
otofchemi
str
yher
e,”shesays.

“ThankyousisPalesa!I
’vebeensayingthi
s,”
Mandlarej
oicedoverhisli
tt
levi
ctory.Foronce
someoneagr eedwithhi
m.Weal llaughedoverthat
.

Atthispointnoonei spayi ngattent i

ont oanyone.
We’reallj
ustchat t
ingamongstour selves.Plus;
wit
ht hetvont here’
sthatnoi seoverus.Li khakha
l
eanedI nandsai d,“Il
oveyou, andyou’ rebeaut i
ful
,”
.
Doest hi
sboyhonest l
ythinkIwi llkisshim her e,
ri
ghtnowi nfrontofmybr others?Ast empt edasI
am tokisshim;myheadi snoti nagoodspacer ight
now.Theki sswon’ tbereal soitwon’ tbef airon
ei
therofus.Especi all
yhim.It urnedawayandhi s
l
ipscameincontactwithmycheek.“smooth
cri
minal
…smooth,”hesayschuckli
ng.WhenIli
fted
upmyhead;IfoundMzamo’ seyeslooki
ngat
us…hesmil
edsoIsmi ledback.Iwentt
ositnextto
him.

“
Ili
kehi
m,”hesayst
aki
ngasi
pfr
om hi
sbeer
.

“WhoLi khakha?”thisissoobvi
ous.Ijustwanthim
toconf i
rmit.Mzamoi ssohardtopl ease.He
noddedandt hatsubsti
tut
edthefeeli
ngofdisgust
andf earwit
hbut ter
fli
esandli
ghtness.“Bhut
i,I
kil
ledaman, ”

“
Hewasn’
taman,
”hesays.

Isi
ghed.“
Thedudeli
kesyou,
Isawthel
ookka
tat
a…benicet
ohim”i
sMzamoaskingmetobeni
ce
tobeaboy?
Itookasecondandl ookedaround.Il ookedateach
andever yoneoft hem;Palesaincluded.I tmightnot
benowort omor rowbutIknowevent ual l
yIwillbe
okay.Ihavemybr ot
hersforeverythingand
Likhakhat omakemebl ushandPal esaf or.
..
Idon’
t
knowPal esai sforbutastimegoesbyIwi l
l
discoverherpur poseinmyl i
feandmi neinhers.
She’sher eforsomet hi
ngthough.Somet hi
ng
positi
ve.Thisjustmi ghtbetheeraf ort hi
s
househol d.

At3i nthemorningIwentt
obed.ButImadesur e
thateveryoneknowswherethey’
llbesl
eepi
ng.
PalesaandMziar ei
ndad’sroom.Mandlaiswit
h
mei nmyr oom andLi
khakhawi l
lbewit
hMzamoi n
thei
rroom.

Li
khakhawal kedin.“CanIsaygoodnight,
”he
standsagainstt
hedoor .Inodded.“
CanIgeta
hug?”Ismiledandnoddedagai n.Isatupstr
aight
andembr acedhim, al
lofhim.
“Yousmelll
ikepeanutbutt
er,
”Isai
d.Wegi
ggl
ed
andlookedateachother.

“
Peanutbut
ter
!!
”heexcl
aimed.

“I
t’
sagoodthi
ng.I
’
vebeensmel
li
ngbl
oodt
heent
ir
e
day,
”Isai
d.

“
Wel
lI’
m gl
adIcoul
dhel
p,”

“Doyout
hinkI
’
m goi
ngt
ohel
l?
”Iasked.Ihadt
o
ask…

“
Idon’
tbeli
evei
nhell
…buther
e’swhatIbel
ieve;you
f
oughtbackandyouwonandIam proudofyou,”

Hepr
omi
sedt
ost
aywi
thmeunt
ilIf
ellasl
eep.We
l
istenedt osomemusi candwat chedf unnyvideos
ont heinternet.Imostpr obablysleptan
hour …everythingjustkeepscomi ngbackt ome.
Mandl aisj ustalognextt omesnor i
ngandt alki
ng
i
nhi ssleep.Iwentt ojoi
nMzamo.WhenIopened
thedoor ;Iprayedt hatIdon’tseeRhadebel i
keIdi d
yesterday.

“Bhuti
,bhekel
a,”(
moveover
)Iwhi
sper
ed.Hepeel
ed
hiseyesopen.

“Uri
ght?”hesaysi
nthemiddl
eofchewi
ngwhat
ever
peoplechewwhenthey’
resl
eepi
ng.

“
I’
m okay,
gobackt
osl
eep…”

“
Buhle,
”Likhakhali
ft
eduphi
shead.Il
ookedathi
m.
“
Isever
ythingokay?”
“
I’
m okay,
sleep”

“Don’tthi
nkaboutit,
”hesaysthenfall
srightbackt
o
sleep.Themor etheysayIshouldn’
tthi
nkaboutit
themor eIjustt
hinkabouti
t.

Mzamolef
tthebed.Il
if
tedupmyheadandf
ound
hi
m dr
essi
ngup.

"Uyaphibhut
i",Iaskedi
nthemi
ddl
eofyawni
ng.
Thesuni sout.

"
Ndi
yochama.
.l
ala"
,hesays.

"
Whatt
mei
sit
?"Iasked.

"Maybe8:
30.
..
youneedtosleepthough,
Likhakhai
s
asl
eepsoyou'
resaf
e,"hesaid.
"Lal
aBuhl e,
"Li
khakhasai
dhal
fasl
eep.Mzamoand
Ismiled.Icl
osedmyeyesandIwasout.abouti
t.

Everythi
ngstopped, i
t’
slikemyheartstopped
too…there’
scompl etesil
ence.Ther
oom lookscl
ean.
Likhakha’sbedisalreadymade.Ican’thearasi
ngl
e
thingbutthefootsteps.
“
Mzamo! ”Ical
ledoutandIgotnor
esponse.
“
Likhakha…”agai
n.

Thecurt
ainshi
ft
edt oonesi
deandmyheartbeat
camebacktoli
fe.Icoul
dfeelmyhear
tbeat
ing
agai
nstthewal
lsofmychest .

“
Youcan’
tgetr
idofmet
hateasi
ly”hesai
d.

“
ButIki
ll
edyou…”myvoi
cest
art
edt
rembl
ing.
“
Bhuti
…”Icr
ied.
“Youcan’
tgetri
dofmeeasily…”hesmiledandsaid.
Hewasstandingri
ghti
nfrontmeandIcoul dsmell
thebl
oodsoimmensely.Icr
iedoutforhelpbutno
onecametohelpme…hewentst rai
ghtformy
neck…

“
Mandl
a!!
”that
’sal
lIcandor
eal
ly.Cr
youtf
orhel
p.

“
Nobuhl
e…Nobuhl
e,
”IhearmynamebutIcan’
tsee
whoi
scall
ingme.

“
Hel
pme!
”noonecoul
dheart
hat
.

“Nobuhl
e,nguMzi,ndi
m si
svul’
amehlo,
”(i
ts
Mzi…openyoureyes)MzithankGod!Whatdoeshe
meanIshouldopenmyeyes.Myeyesar ewi de
openandIcan’tseehim.Whyisn’
the…suddenlyI
seeMzi,MzamoandMandl ast
andi
ngoverme.
[
01/
05,
13:
42] :ENTRY33
Icouldn’
tseehim anymore.Al
lIcoul
dseewasmy
brother
sstandi
ngoverme.Isatupst r
aightt
ryi
ngt
o
catchmybr eat
h.Ifeelsoembarr
assed.

“
He’
snother
eandi
thi
?”Iasked.

“
Akekhosi
si,
”(He’
snother
e,)Mzi
assur
edme.

“Iki
ll
edhim,ri
ghtandthatwasalljustabad
dream?”theynoddedassuri
ngl
y.“Andyouguysar e
herewit
hme, thi
sisnotadream? ”Mzisqueezed
myhand.

“
You’r
eokay”hesaid.“
Ndij
onge,”Il
ookedathi
m
wit
hredweteyes.“
Ndingubanimna?”heasked.

“Mzi,
”Iut
ter
ed.Ican’
tli
vel
ikethi
s.Ican’t
…Istar
ted
cryi
ngevenmore.Justl
ookingatmybr ot
hersand
everyt
hingthey’
regoingt hr
oughbecauseofme;
I’
vebecomeabur den.Somet hi
ngt hatneedstobe
guarded.Likeabomb.“ Ican’tl
iveli
kethis,Idonot
havethest r
engt
hf orallofthi
sbhut i
…Ijustwantto
die…Ifeelweakandt i
redandscar edalltheti
me…”

“Nobuhle,
ndi
jonge,
”(Lookatme)sai
dMandl
a.And
Ilookedathi
m.“what’
smyname? ”

“
Mandl
a,”Isai
d,heknel
tbef
oreme.

“Youseem toforgetourdeal .IsaidndinguMandl a

wakho…wheneveryouf eel l
ikeyourownst rengthis
fai
li
ngyou;I’m here,andingoMandl afornothing.
Ndiyakucel
asiswam yi lwa…yi lwa”(IsaidIwasyour
Mandla…Iam notMandl afornot hi
ng.Pleasesis,
fi
ght…fi
ght)Icouldhearhi svoi cecrackingbuthe
darednotletasingleteardr opf all
.Isqueezedhis
handandnodded.“ Il
oveyou, ”
“
Nam ndi
yakut
handa,
”(Il
oveyout
oo)

Iam sobl essedt ohavesuchbr other

s.My
rel
ationshi pwi thmybr othersi sonethatpeopl ein
thi
spl aceneverunder stood.Mymot heralways
forcedust osaywel oveeachot herandhugi tout
afteraf ight.Myf at hert oldust hatbestf r
iendsar e
foundathomeandt hatsi bl
ingsar ethosebest
fri
ends.Eveni foneget smar ri
ed;hisorherbest
fri
endi sst i
llathome.Mymom anddadl ovedeach
otherandt heywer enotaf raidtoshowt hatlove.
Theyhuggedandki ssedi nfrontofus.I '
venever
seent hem f ighting, justt henor mal
misunder st
andi ngsanymar riedcouplehas.My
rel
ationshi pwi thmybr otherswasgr oomedf r
om
root,from thebegi nning, soI '
m notaf r
aidt osayI
l
oveoneoft hem, Idon' tfeel awkwar dwhenIsl eep
withoneoft hem becauseIdon' thavesisters,only
brother sandasi sterIf indineachoft hem.Abest
fri
endIf i
ndi neachoft hem andobvi ouslyabr other.
Dadoncesai dIwassupposedt obeaboyandf r
om
ti
met ot i
me, Iwonderhowt hingswoul dhavebeen
hadIbeenaboy.

“
Yourboyf
ri
endsaidhe’
dbeback.Usayot
shint
sha,”
(
Hewenttochange)Mandl
a.Hesaidboyf
riendjust
t
ogetmesmi l
ing.

“
Hei
snotmyboyf
ri
end!
”Ipr
otest
ed.

“Eit
herway,hesai
dhe’
dbest ayi
ngoverf
orafew
days.Thatscr
eamsboyfr
iendtome…”Mandlasays
standi
ngup.

“Hedoesn’thavetostayover .Hecoul dj ustcome

overtocheckonmeandt henleave.Bazot hi
ni
abantu?”(Whatarepeoplegoi ngtosay? )honest
ly
–Idon’tthinkLi
khakhaf ull
yunder standswhohei s.
He’sapr i
nce!Hecan’tjustgoar oundsl eeping
whereverhepleases.“ButIknowLi khakha, hewon’t
l
istentome.There’sli
teral
lynopoi ntint ryi
ngto
tal
ktohim. ”
“I
nentl
ok’
eqini
leyokenangqawa,
”(Thatguyi
shar
d
headed)saysMzamo.

“
Ndi
zomxel
ela”(
Iwi
llt
ellhi
m)-
Me

"Asozeungamxelel
iubabywakho"(
ther
e’snoway
youwon’ttel
lyourbaby)
-Mandl
a

Itookmybat handhadsomet hingqui ckandl ightt

o
eat.Icouldn’
tfi
nishitbecausethesmel lofblood
wasal lovert
hef ood.I
tsgoingtothreeo’ clockand
Palesahasst ar
tedcooking.Ihavenoi deawhat
she’scookinginthatkit
chenbutI ’
mj ustgladIdon’ t
havet oworryaboutthatforami nuteyouknow.

“Nobuhle,Babyishere…”Ihear
dMandl ashouti
ng
fr
om out si
de.Iwenttocheckwhot hatwas.I
t’
s
Likhakha…Mandlareall
y?Icoul
df eelmycheeks
stret
chingsidetosi
def r
om smil
ingoutofcontr
ol.
“
Whyam Ibabynow?
”Heaskedwal
kingupt
ome.

“
AskNobuhl
ebaf
o…shesai
dit
,”Mandl
asays.

“Mandl ashutuppl ease…”Isai drel

ievi
nghim ofthe
baghewascar ryi
ng.Heal sohasf rui
tsand
vegetableswithhim.Maybehedet ouredtotown.I
placedt hebagont hesof aandt ooktheplasti
csto
thekitchen.Imademysel fcomf ort
ablenexttohim.
Mybr ot
hersarenoti nther oom sowehavesome
privacytodroolovereachot her.Hetookmyhand
kisseditthensmiled, Ismiledbackbecausewhen
hesmi l
es,Ij
ustautomat icall
ysmi l
e.Irest
edmy
headonhi sshoul
der .Hesmel l
ssogood;notl i
ke
bloodatal l
.

“
Youl
ookni
ce,
”hesays.

“
Thankyou,
yousmel
lni
ce…”It
hrewi
na
compl
imentaswel
l.

“
Peanutbut
ter
?”

“
No, col
ogne.Yourscenti
sactual
lyoneoft
he
t
hingsthatat
tract
edmet oyou…”Isai
d.

“Sooo,
you’
reat
tractedtome? ”Idon’tevenneedto
l
ookathimtoknowt hathei
ssmi r
kingr i
ghtnow.I
canheari
tinhi
st one.

“Ok,Ichangemymind,
yousmel
lli
kepeanut
butt
er,”hegi
ggl
ed.

“
Yousmelll
ikeVasel
ineandagi
rl
ydeodor
ant
.
What
’si
tcal
led?”

“
Playgi
rl
,”hedoesn’
tsayanyt
hing.It
il
tmyhead
overt
ohaveal
ookathi
m.“
What
?”Isay.

“
Apl
aygi
rli
sat
otalopposi
teofwhatyouar
e?”

“Boydon’
ttr
yme,”Igotali
tt
lesassyt
here,
“Iwi
ll
playyousohar
dyou’l
lwishyouhadnevermetme,”

“
Yesma’am…pointtaken”hekissedmynose.
“
You’r
eokayBuhle,
”hewhi spersandIknowexact
ly
whathemeans.Isqueezedhishand.

“
Ihadanepi
sodeear
li
er,
”Isay,

“
Whathappened?
”heasks

"Itwasadream…Isawhim comi
ngovermel
ikehe
didthatday.WhenIl
ookedover
,youwer
en'
t
there.
..
I
call
edoutforyouandyoudi dn'
tcome.Iser
iousl
y
thoughti
twasr eal
",Isay.

"I
'
m sorr
yBuhl
e,nexti
tmeIwi
llwai
tforyout
owake
up"-
him.

"
Youcan'
tkeepmef
rom havi
ngbaddr
eams"-
me.

"
Icanactual
ly…Ihavet
heper
fectr
emedy"
,hesays
wit
heyeswideopen.

"
What
?"-
me.

"Whenyoucl oseyoureyes…t
hinkaboutme.When
youfinal
lyfal
lasl
eepuzophuphamna"( Youwi
ll
dream aboutme)hesays.

"
Uqi
nisekekangakananiubai
zosebenzal
ont
o?"
(
Howsur
ear
eyout
hati
t’
sgoi
ngt
owor
k?)Iask.

“
Ital
waysworksforme,
you’
real
lIdr
eam about
l
atel
y,
”hesays.

“
I’
llt
ryt
hat
,”Isai
dsof
tl
y.

Whoi sthisguyandwhydoIl i
kehim somuch?My
brothersl
ovehim anddadadoreshim.heisl
iket
he
fi
fthson,incl
udingSizwe.Hel
it
eral
lymakesme
forgetabouteveryt
hing.

“Hel
lobaby,”Mzisayswalki
ngin.Ishi
ft
edaway
fr
om Likhakhaleavi
ngali
ttl
espacebetweenus.
Theboysar ebacksonof l
ir
ti
ngwithboysthathave
acrushonmeandsl eepoveratmyhouse.

“
Real
lyMzi
…”hel
aughsi
tof
fthenl
ooksatme.
“
Mandlainst
ruct
edmet osaythatwhenIseeyou…”
Mzishout
sfrom t
heki
tchen.

Wewer esupposedt obeleavingf orKZNt odaybut

thi
ngsdeci dedt otakeatwistedturnandnowher e
wear etryi
ngt okeepeachot hersanef ortheti
me
being.I’
m guessi ngIwi
llseeschoolnextsemest er
ornextyear .Li
khakhawenti ntothekitchento
assistPalesa,thoughI’
m sureshe’ sal
mostdone.I
decidedtoj oi
nMandl aoutside,hejustfini
shed
washinghi stekkies.

“
You’
regood?
”heaskedandInodded.

“It
hink…”I
’m di
sturbedbyt hepolicevant
hanjust
parkedinfr
ontofthegat e.I
t’
stheguywhoar rest
ed
dad…ishebackformor equesti
ons?DoIneedt ogo
tothepoli
cestat
ionf orquesti
oning?Didhef
indout
thetrut
h?
“
Andthen,”-Mandla.Iam aspuzzl
edashei
s,
maybeevenmor e.

“
Mol
wen’
ekhaya,
”(Gr
eet
ings)hel
ethi
msel
fin.

“Tat’
upolisa…”saysMandl a.Mzicameoutt obethe
adultthathei s.Hewalkeduptohi m andshookhis
hand.Theyst art
edt
alkingandfrom whereI’
m
standi
ng, itseemsli
ket heconversat
ionisagood
one.

“
Buhle,
”Mzical
ledmeover.Ist
oodbehindhi
m.“
He
want
stotal
ktoyou,al
one”heleftus.

"Masit
hethel
eemot wenint ombi"(
Let’
stal
kint he
car)
,hesays.Inod.Wewal kedouttheyard,he
openedthedoorf orme.I'm notsurewhattothink.
Ishebeingnicebecausehe' sacoporbecauseIam
afemale?Ijustcan'ttel
lthesedays.Someoft he
nei
ghborsarewat ching.Gosheveryinchofmei s
cl
inchi
ng.Hesmil
edsoIfor
cedonet
oo.“Tellme,
whydidyouli
etoapoli
ceman?”myi
ntesti
nes
fr
oze.However
,doeshemean?

“
Ngantoni
?”(
Aboutwhat
?)Iknowexact
lywhathe’
s
t
alki
ngabout
.
“
Youki
lledRhadebe,
”mytonguei
sdry.Ilooked
i
nsi
detheyard,MziandMandl
aweresti
lloutsi
de
wat
chi
ngt hecar
.WhatdoIdonow?WhatdoIsay?

“Sakuxelel
ayonkeint
ongal
ami
…”(
Wet
oldyou
everyt
hingthatday)

“
Yourf
athert
oldmeever
ythi
ng,
”hecutmeshor
t.

“
Oh!
”

“Wehaver apecasesthatwer
eopenedagainstt
he
deceased…multi
ple.Eveni
nneighbor
ingst
ati
ons,
”
“
Whywasn’
thel
ockedup?
”Iasked.

“RhadebeisRhadebe,hemadet hi
ngshappen.I
’
m
surehisvi
cti
mswi l
lbehappytoknowt hathedi
eda
brut
aldeat
h.Hewasst abbedr
epeatedl
y,byagi
rl
.
That’
sembarrassi
ng.Hechuckled.

“
What
’sgoi
ngt
ohappennow?Am Iunderar
rest
?”

“Mydaught
erwasal
sor
apedbyRhadebe…”he
says.

“I
’
m sorr
y.Ihopeshe’
l
lfeel
bet
terknowi
ngt
hatt
he
bust
ardisdead,
”

“Li
stentome,I’
m agoodcopandIabidebythe
bookbutthi
scaseistoocl
osetomyhear t
.You
won’tgetar
rest
edandyourfat
hershoul
dbehome
bynextweek,
”

“
Real
ly?How?
”

“Hisfi
lewil
ldisappearandweneverspoke,
”he
start
edthecar…that’
smyquetoexitbutIhaveso
manyquest i
ons.Beforehedr
oveoff,hesai
d,“You
didtheri
ghtthing,
”
[
01/
05,
13:
43] :ENTRY34
Myf at
herwi llbehomesoon, he’
scomi ngback.The
detect
ivesai dhisfi
lewi l
ldisappear.AsI ’
m wal ki
ng
backinsidet heyard,MziandMandl aar estaringat
me.Idon’ tknowwhet hertotellt
hem thatdadwi l
l
beheresoonandhi sfil
ewi l
lsomehowdi sappear .
Letmej ustkeepi ttomysel ffornow,theymi ghtdo
somethingt hatwoul dmessupt heentirething.
Especial
lyMzamo.

“
Uthi
ni?
”(Whati
shesayi
ng?
)Mzi
asked.
“Hejusthadafewmorequesti
ons,”Isai
d.“
And
also,
tochecki
fIneededcounsel
ing,
”shutupBuhl
e
befor
ethisget
scomplicat
ed.

“I
st hatall
? ”heasked.BeforeIcouldassur
ehim,
Palesacal l
edusf orfood.Imademywayt othe
ki
tchen, gotmyf oodandgi tcomfortabl
enextt
oMzi
i
nt helivi
ngr oom.Soonaf ter
,Palesacameback
wit
hherpl ate.

“Buhl
e,
”shesangmynamest
andi
ngoverme,
I
gavehermyatt
ent
ion.

“That
’smyspace,”shesayssmi
li
ng.Whatdoesshe
meant hisi
sherspace?DidImi
sssomethi
ng?
Clear
ly,Idi
d…

“
Excuseme?
”Isai
d.
“
Uhl
eliecalenikomnt
uwam,
”(You’
resi
tt
ingnextt
o
myboyfri
end)

“Ufunandisuke?”(
Youwantmet omove? )Iasked
her.Iam hopingshewi
llsayshe’
sjoking,but
i
nsteadshenoddedwi t
hasmi leIwishIcouldslap
offofher.

“Lethersitwi
thme,”Mzisays.Di
dInotboili
nsi
de?
Isheser i
ous?Il
ookedathim,hebrushedmyback.
Imovedt otheone-
seat
erwi t
hmypr i
deanddigni
ty
sti
lli
ntact.

Shesi
ghedl
oudl
yandsai
d,“
Final
ly,
thanksBuhl
e,
”

Iam bei
ngtested.Ipromi
seyou,t
hisisatest.Iam
holdi
ngmyselfbackfrom j
umpingforhert
hroat
andsqueezi
ngt heli
feoutofher–but–Iwi lll
et
thi
ssli
de.Nexttimeshepull
sastuntli
kethisshe
wil
lbepi
cki
nguppi
ecesofherhai
ront
hegr
ound.
Thehel
l…

Aweekhaspassedsi ncet hedet ect ivepai dmea

visit.Sincethatday;I ’
vebeenl ooki ngout side
l
ooki ngatwhoi sgoi ngi nandoutoft heyar dand
whoi spassi ngby, j
usti ncasei t’
smyf at
her .
Yest erdaywasLi khakha’ sbi rt
hday, hewast urni
ng
23andIwasn’ tsur ehowol dhewasunt i
lyesterday.
Mandl afoundoutonf acebookt hati twashi s
birthdaysoheandMzamoqui cklyr ushedt otown
tobuycakeandr efreshment s.Pal esamadesome
saladsandpapwhi let heboysbr aai dsomemeat
out side.Whenhecamebackhome, wedi dt he
whol esurpri
set hing…hecr iedal itt
le.Sadl y,I
coul dn’tgethim anyt hing.Speaki ngofPal esa,Il
ike
her ,she’sniceandcut eandshel ovesMzi most
i
mpor t
antl
ybutshei st aki
ngMzi awayf r
om me.
Wi thDadnotar ound, IfeellikeMzii st henextbest
thing, I
’vealwayst houghtofhi m asmysecond
fatherandshei sj ustal wayswi thhi m.Lastweek
theywer eplayingagameofcar dsandIaskedt o
j
oi nthem,MzisaidokayIcoul
djoi
ni nthenext
roundbutMo’ galsai
ditwasacouple’sgameand
thenMzil aughedandsaidhe’
l
lmaket imefora
sibli
ng’sgame.

Andt henIaskedhi mt owalkmet otheshopwhi ch

hedi d,l
itt
lemi ssPalesataggedalongandt hey
wer ekissingandpl ayi
ngwi t
heachot hertheentir
e
way.Mzidi dn’tsayawor dtomebecausehi sl
ips
wer egluedonPal esa’
s.Iwantedtothrowstonesat
them…l ikewheni sshegoi ngbackhome.She’ s
helpedenoughnow, I’
m good.Andhowdoyout el
l
yourbr otherthatyouwantt omopt hefloorwit
hhi s
girl
fri
end?

“I
na,”(
Here)shehandedmeapl atetodry.Bearin
mind,IcookedandIhavet ohelpherwithdishes
becauseshe’s‘t
oot ir
ed,’
butwhenshecooks, I
washthedishesal lbymyselfunlesstheboys
deci
det ohelp.Mzilit
eral
lybeggedmet ohel pher.
“Youknow, Buhle,
Ilikeyou…”shesaysoutoft he
blue.Ifor
cedasmi le.Ireall
ydon’ twantanybad
bloodbetweenmeandt hisgirl
,butwi ththeway
she’smovi ngthi
ngswi l
lgetheat edr eall
yquick,
somet i
mesIf eelli
keshe’ sdoi ngal lthesethingson
purpose,she’soldenought oknowwhenher
acti
onsar epathetic.“You’recute,“ shesays, “But
yourbrotheriscuter ,
”shebl ushes.Shehandedme
anotherplate.Sher eall
ylikesMzi shame, t
hatI
cannotarguewi th.“andt hankyouf orwelcomi ng
mei ntoyourhome, ”someonepl easet el
lhertoshut
up.

“You’
rewelcome.Mzili
kesyousoyou’
rewel
come
hereanyt
ime,”Isai
d.

“
YouandLikhakhaar ever
ycut e,
I’
m surei
nthelong
r
unyou’l
lbejustli
keyourbrotherandI.
”whyisshe
t
alki
ngaboutLikhakha?Whatdoeshehavet odo
wit
hanythi
nghappeni ngr
ightnow?

“
Can’
twai
t,
”Igaveheraper
funct
orysmi
le.Fol
ks
ndi
vel
elwe…Ineedanyt
hingt
hatwi
llmakehershut
up.

“Oh,andt i
meheal s.Soonyou’l
lgetovert hewhol
e
rapeandmur derthi
ng,”whyisshetalkingtome
aboutthis?Whydoessheknowt hi
s?Ij ust
remember edt hatni
ghtwhenRhadebewas
sweat i
ngont opofmemaki ngir
ri
tat
ingsounds.
“Buhle,areyouokay? ”IguessshenoticedIwasout.

“
Howdoyouknowal loft
hat
?”Iaskedaquest
ion
wit
hanobvi
ousanswer.

“Babet
oldme,wet
elleachot
herever
th…”Ist
ormed
off
.Mybloodi
sboi
li
ng.

“Mzi!!
!”Idi
dn’tevengiveherachancet ofi
nisht
hat
sentence.Ifl
ewt othei
rr oom.Ifoundthem
smokinganddr i
nki
ng, Inoti
cedthatLi
khakha
doesn’tsmoke.Hej usttakesalocohol
.
“Kwenzekent
oni?
”(Whathappened?
)Mziasked.I
t
seemsPalesafol
lowedme.

“Uphambene?”(Areyoucr
azy?)Ishouted.Therest
ofthem j
ustsatther
eandwatched,I’
m guessi
ng
theydi
dn’twanttogett
hemselvesinvol
ved.

“Bal
aamazwiNobuhl e,uwabali
sise…asi
ngontanga,
”
(CountyourwordsNobuhle,wear enotagemates)
thefactt
hatIhavetocalm myselfdownmakes
wanttoscream.Iwanttoyellathim andswearat
him.

“You”,Ical
medmysel fdownbecausemybr eathi
ng
wasget ti
ngheavierandIdi
dn’
twantt ost
art
anotherepisode.“
Youtoldher
,”Isai
dcalmly.

“Ut
hethangantoni
?”(
Whatar
eyout
alki
ngabout
?)
helookssocluel
ess.
“
Rhadebe,
ever
ythi
ng…”Isai
d.

“
ButuBabyknowsnj
ena…”hesayst
ohi
sdef
ense.

“Idon’t
…”Ifel
tasharppassi
ngthr
oughmychest
,“I
don’tcarewhatLi
khakhaknows…”

“
Sohecanknowbutshecan’
t,
”isheser
ious?

“Mzi,thereisabigdif
ferencebetweenBabyand
Palesa,thisismystoryandIdon’tknowPalesa.
Wher edoyougett herighttot
ellhert
hat,
”Itur
ned
aroundandf acedher
,“Andwher edoyougetthe
ri
ghttoevent al
ktomeabouti t
.Youdon’tknow
me…”

“Si
s,comeon…”hesays.Il
ookedathi
m.”She’
smy
gir
lf
ri
end,
”
“
AndIam yoursi
ster
!Yourl
it
tl
esi
ster
…”Ishout
ed.

“
Pal
esai
sapartofmylif
enow,youneedtoaccept
t
hat
…andIj
ustt
hinkyou’
reover
act
ingnow,
”hesaid.

“Buhle,
I’
m sor
ry.Youcantrustme,“Pal
esasai
d
behindmeandii f
noredheronpurpose.

“Exactl
y!She’sapartofyourli
fesokeephert her
e,
don’tdiscussmewhenyou’ recuddlingi
nbed.And
don’tyoudar et
ellmeI’
m overreact
ing.I’
m done
withyou.Youcanhavehi m Palesa…andisengosis
wakhof uthi,
nxa!
”(I’
m nolongeryoursisterI
stormedof f.
)

“
Youf
uckedup!
”someonesai
dasIwal
kedout
.

Isatout
side,
Ineededt
hef
reshai
r.Ical
medmysel
f
down.Idi dthebreathi
ngi nandoutexer cise.I
meanMzishoul dhavebeensmar tenought otel
l
Palesatonott al
ktomeaboutt hi
sthingifhef el
t
l
ikeher eall
yneededt otellher.Andhowdar eher
compar eLikhakhawi t
hPal esa,whot hehellis
Palesa?Dadi stheonet hatputmei nthi
ssi t
uati
on
butImisshi m.Isti
llwishhewasher eandmom.I
wishIwasst r
ong.Iheldmybr eath.Maybei fIhold
i
tlongenough;Iwi lldi
e.

“
Siswam.
”Iexhal
edsl
owl
y.

“Leavemeal
oneMziwamandla,notnow”,hesat
nexttomeanyway.“
What?Uzocelauxolobecause
youknowIhavenochoi
cebuttof or
giveyou?”

“IwaswrongandI’
m sor
ry.Itrustheryes,butthat
doesn’
tmeanyoushouldtrusthertoo.Ishould
havebeensmart
eraboutit
,”hesays.Damnr i
ght!
“Eversinceshecamearound,
”Iburi
edmyf acein
betweenmyl egswil
li
ngmyselft
ostopcrying.He
threwhisarm ar
oundmyneck.“Youdon’teventalk
tome.Youmakeever ythi
ngabouther…”Isnif
fed
andwi pedmyeyes.

“
Mol
omakhi
!!
”someonepassi
ngbygr
eet
ed.

“Ekemama, “hegreetedback.“Buhle,
I’
m sorry”he
kissedmyhand.“ WithBabyar oundIthoughtyou
guysneededsomet imetogett oknoweachot her
,I
wasj ustgi
vingyousomespace.Youknowi t’
syour
fi
rstboyfri
endandIdi dn’
twantbet hatbrot
her…”

“You’
remybigbrot
herMzi,Iwil
lal
waysneedyou.
Andwi t
hdadnotaroundIneedyouevenmore,
”

“You’
reri
ght
,Palesahasmeallt
ohersel
f.Ihaven’
t
beenther
eforyoulat
ely…I
’
m sor
ry”
“She’
sli
teral
lyalwayswi
thyouandkissi
ngyou,I
wanttosmackherf acesomet
imes.Iknowthat
’s
bad,I
’m sorr
y,”

Helaughedandsaid,“
Pleasedon’
tsmackmy
gi
rl
fri
end’
sface.I
’
lltoher,Ipr
omise”

“
Ifor
giveyou,
”

“CanIhavemyli
tt
lesist
erbackpl
ease.Ican’
thave
MzamoandMandl aasmyonl ysi
bli
ngs…they’
re
ugly,
”webot
hlaughed.

“
Fine,
”

“Thankyou,
”hest
oodandpul
ledmeupt
hen
huggedme.
“
Umhl
euyeva,
”(You’
rebeaut
if
ul)hesays.

“Thankyou,
Babyt
ell
smeallt
heti
me…”hehel
dmy
handaswewalkedbacki
nsi
de.

“
Andhe’
snotl
ying.Bel
ievehi
m…”
[
01/
05,
13:
43] :ENTRY35
I
t stwel
vei
nthemor ni
ngandwe’
real
lst
il
lawake.
PalesaandIar
eni bbli
ngonbi
scui
tsandjui
cewhil
e
theboyssipontheirbeer
s.

“Wel
lsincewe’r
eall her
eandeveryonehereknows
whatishappening,
”Ispokeali
ttl
eloudersoIcoul
d
gett
heiratt
ent
ion,“Thedet
ecti
vesaiddad’sfi
lewil
l
gomissingandweshoul dexpecthim anyt
imethi
s
week,
”

“
Njani
?”(
How?
)-Mandl
a
“
Int
oni
?”(
What
?)-Mzi

“
Yhoo…”
-Pal
esa

“Sgel
ekeq’
esFocused”Mzamosai
dandal
lthe
att
enti
onwast ur
nedtohim.“
What?”

“HesayshisdaughterwasrapedbyRhadebebut
Rhadebewasamanwi thconnect
ionsand
everyt
hingj
ustseemedtoalwaysworkinhis
favour
,”-Me

“
JesusChrist
!”Pal
esaexcl
aimed,“
thi
sisagood
t
hing,
right
?”she’
slowkeypanicki
ng.

“Perfectt
hing,
”sai
dMzamononchal
antly.
Likhakha’
sphonerangandhepi
ckedituprighti
n
frontofus.
“NKOSIYAM. ”( myki ng)I
t’shisfather,myst omach
twisted.“KUHLEAKHONTOTATA, NDINGEVA
KUWE…TATANDATSHONJEKUWEUBA
ANDI ZUKUYI SHI YALENTOKAZI ,
”(Everythi
ngi s
okaydad, howar eyou? .
..
dadIt oldyout hatIwi l
l
notleavet hisl ady)hewal kedt otheroom butweal l
sti
llhearhi m.“ ANDI KHATHALIUKUBAABANTU
BATHI NI,BAYOSOLOKOBETHETHANOBA
NDENZANI ,NDI ZOBUYAXANDIREADY…THAT’ S
FINAL”( Idon’ tcar ewhatpeopl esay,theywi ll
alwayst alk.I’
llcomebackwhenI ’
mr eady)hecame
back.Icoul dt ellthathewasangr yatthisfatherfor
notsuppor t
inghi m.Idon’ twanttobet her eason
whyheandhi sf atherdon’ tgetal
ong.

“Li
khakha,
Ithi
nkyoushouldgobackhome, you
cancomeandvi si
twhenyoucan…”Isuggested

“
No!
”andsadl
yhedi
smi
ssedmysuggest
ion.

“
Uyi
Nkosansa,
youneedt
obeathome,
youcan’
t
j
ustbeseenanywher
e..
.”Isay(
You’
reapr
ince)

“Youneedme, ”hewhisper
ed,“Il
etyougoonce,I
won’ tdothatagain,
”heisstar
ti
ngtoir
rit
atemenow.
Heneedst owakeupandr eali
zethatt
hingscan’
tbe
l
iket hi
sforever,hecan’
tst
ayhereandwat chme
f
or ever.

“
Uzohl
alaaphakudekubeni
nike,
”Iasked.(
How
l
ongwil
lyoustayher
e?)

“
Udeuphol
ekal
ok…”(
unt
ilyouheal
)

“Ndiphol
il
e,
”(I
’veheal
ed)it
’sj
usthim andI
bicker
ingbackandfort
h,nooneelseinjumpi
ngi
n.

“
Nobuhle,
ifyouwantmetogojustt
ellme…tel
lme
i
fyoudon’twantmeher
e,”hi
seyesdugholeint
o
mine.
“Iwantyout
ostayher
ewithmebutyoualsoneed
youtounder
standt
hereal
it
yofyourl
if
e,”

“I
’
llgo,”hest
ormedoffther
oom.Weal
lsati
n
si
lence.Whathappensnow?

“
Goandt
alkt
ohi
m,”Pal
esasai
dtome.
“
Andsaywh…”

“Hamba! ”(Go!)Mandlajumpedi n.Iobeyed.I

walkedinonhi m wit
houthi
st-shirtonandmi ghtI
say‘hall
elujah’
,Iclear
edmyt hroattoannouncemy
presence.

“Don’
tworry,I
’
ml eavi
ng”i
fthereisanythi
ngI’
ve
l
earntaboutLikhakha;hel
ikesvicti
mizi
nghimself
.
Hehasani cebody, ver
ynice,onethatmakesagirl
f
eelri
ght.Hehasacut e6packandj ustmusclesi
n
allt
heri
ghtpl
aces.Godblesshi
m.Amen.Heseems
tobelooki
ngforsomet
hing.

“
Ufunant
oni
?”(
Whatar
eyoul
ooki
ngf
or)

“Myblackvest,”hesulked.Thevestisl
iteral
lyright
i
nf r
ontofhim.I t’
sontopoft hepi
ll
ow.Iwal ked
overtothebed, pi
ckedupt hevestandthrewi ton
hisshoulder.“
Enkosi,
”(Thankyou)hesai dwithout
evenlookingatme.

“
Pleasest
ay,
”Isay

“
Ngoba?Ur
ightmos?
”(Why?I
sn’
tyou’
real
ri
ght
)

“YesI’
mfine,
I’
mfine…I’
m heal
ingbutIam nott
her
e
yetandIneedyouhere,
”
“Utheupholil
ekum,”(
Yousai dyou’
veheal
ed)he
shovedclothesint
ohisbag,“Soke
ndiyahamba…awusandidingii
cacil
e,
”(SoI
’mleavi
ng,
i
t’scleart
hatyoudon’tneedmeanymor e)

“Ok,Likhakha…”Ihel dhim bytheshouldersand

turnedhimt ofaceme.“ l
ook…”Iclearedmyt hr
oat.I
j
ustcan’ tseem toconcent r
ate.“
Couldyouputt hi
s
onpl ease, i
t’
sabitchil
ly”Ihandedhim ashi rtf
rom
hisbag, hechuckledandputi ton.Hedi dn’teven
buttonit,butit’
sokay.“thankyou,Ili
kehavi ngyou
around.Ij ustdon’twantyout of
ightwithyour
fatherbecauseofme, Ineedyouher ewi t
hme”

“
Thenwhydoyoumakemef
eell
ikeI
’
m not
wel
comedher
e,”
“IguessI
’
mt r
yingtobest
rong,
Idon’
twantt
obea
burdenonanyone,
”

“
Butasi
kakhal
azinj
ethi
na.
.”(
Butwehaven’
t
compl
ained)

"Iknow. .
.I'
m sorry"
,Isaid.Helookedathisshoes.I
tookast epcl osertohim, Iwentonmyt i
ppytoes
andwr appedmyar msar oundhisneck.Helooked
atme.Iki ssedhim.Heki ssedmeback.Hi sbreat
h
smellsl i
kemi ntfavoredbubblegum.Doeshe
alwayshavet hose?Ever ytimeourl
ipsint
erl
ock,I
feell
ikedanci ng.Imean, howof t
endoyougett o
kissaPr ince?Hi sarmsar ewrappedti
ghtlyar
ound
mywai st.Istoppedandt il
tedmyheadbackmaki ng
hisforeheadr estonmi ne.
“
Ndi
yakucel
a,
”(I
’
m beggi
ngyou)Iwhi
sper
ed.

“I
st hatyourwayofbeggingme?”heasked.Iki
ssed
him again.I
fmybrother
sweren’
thereandIwas
okayi nthesoulal
otwouldhavehappenedbynow.
Istopped…

“
Isebenzi
lekuqal
a,”(
Didi
twor
k?)Iasked.
"
Ndi
ngatshoubaandi
yondodaxayi
nongasebenzi
"
(
Iwoul
dn’tbeamanifitdi
dn’
t)hesays.

“
Uyi
ndoda?
”(Wel
l,
areyouaman?
)Iasked.

“
Yesma’am”hesaidandkissedme.If
eltmyl
egs
f
loat
ingabovet
heground,
hel i
ft
edmeup.

“Besi
des;i
fyouleave,you’
l
lbreakmybr ot
hers’
heart
’s,
”hesmil
ed.“Thankyou,”Igavehim anot
her
smooch.

“Younglady,Irespectyourbrot
hersandifyoukeep
kissi
ngmel ikethat,
Imi ghtj
ustl
osethatrespect
anddot heunthinkable”heembracedme.Ihad
forgot
tenhowwar m hishugswere.Theymakemy
hearthappy.Veryhappy.
Li
khakhahasbui
ltt
hisbr
idgeoft
rustbet
weenhi
m
andI .Iwasactuall
ysur pr
isedthatIwasabl etobe
theonet oki
sshi m andhavehi mf oll
owaf t
ermy
predicament.Thought heideathathef i
ndsmedi rt
y
orsomet hi
ngpopsi nmyheadever ynowandt hen.
Het ookoutclothesfrom hisbag.“Look,”hesays.
Takingthem outonebyone.I ’
m confused,whatis
heshowi ngme?

“
What
?”

“
They’
real
ldi
rt
y,”hesai
d.

“
Kengokumnandi
ngenaphi
?”(
whatdoest
hathave
t
odowi t
hme?)

“
PleaseBuhl
es…”

“OhsoI’m Buhlesnow…”Ifol
dedmyar
mstomy
chest
.“Fi
ne,I’
llwashthem t
omorr
owkodwa
uzondi
bhat
ala.
”(butyou’
l
lpayme)

“ok,Igotyou, ”heleanedi ncl osert omyear ,hehad

tobendal it
tl
ebecauseoft hehei ghtdi fference.I
thoughthewasgoi ngt owhi spersomet hingsweet
l
ike,‘you’rebeautif
ul’butinst eadt hisboysays,
“Pleasebegmet ostayonemor et ime…pl ease,
”I
l
ookedathi m withdisbeliefbuthehadona
mischi evoussmi l
e.Ihadt ogof ori tfolks…Ist ood
onmyt oesandkissedhi m agai n.If elthi shands
goingdownmyback, hesqueezedmybums.I
stoppedhi m.“ I
’m sorry,
”heapol ogized,

“No,
I’
mfi
ne.I
tsj
ustt
hatmybr
other
sar
eher
e…we
can’
t”

"
Jahjah.
.you'
reright
.I'
m sor
ry.They'
l
lprobabl
yki
ll
me"hewhispered.Hiseyesarebarel
yopen.We
l
aughedsoftl
y.
"
I'
llgonow"
,Isai
d.

"
I'
llmeetyout
her
e",
hesai
d.

Dearsweetheavens, whatj usthappened?Thatf el

t
sogood!Idi dn’
twantt ost op, butIhadtobecause
ofmybr others.Willweevergetourpr i
vacy?Andi f
weeverdo;wi l
lIeverbeabl etojustgivemysel f
overtohim withoutr eservationsandnegat i
ve
thoughtsabouthowdi rt
yandi ncompl et
eIam.
CouldIbei nlove?Andi fIam, i
sn’ti
tsadhowl ove
foundmeatmyweakestandmostbr okenpointsin
l
ife?Screwl i
feandf ateanddest inyandeverything.
Screwtheki ngandRhadebeandasmuchasIl ove
him andador ehim, scr
ewmyf at
her…
[
01/
05,
13:
43] :ENTRY36
Thisi
sturni
ngouttobeaver ylazyTuesday.I
washedtheclot
heswi ththehelpofPalesa.I
wonderwhatherfami l
yissayingaboutherbeing
absentf
rom homef orsolong.Doessheevenhave
ahome,oraf amil
y?Comet othinkofi
tI’
venever
reall
yhear dhertal
kingaboutanyonef r
om home.
Woul ditberudeifIaskedher ?NoBuhl e,justshut
upandmi ndyourownbusi ness.Palesaislayingon
thecouchconcent ratingonherphoneandI ’m busy
doingMandl a’shair
,hel oveshi shairsoever ynow
andt henIhelphimr evivehi sdreads.Mzi,Mzamo
andLi khakhaareintheki tchen–Ihavenoi dea
whatt hey’
rediscussingbuti tsoundsser i
ous.

“Nobuhle,
”someonecalledfrom out
side.Mzamo
cameoutoft hekit
chenthenMziandLi khakha
fol
lowed.MandlastoodandPal esasatupst r
aight
.
“Nobuhle,
”theycal
ledagain.Mziwentoutt ocheck
andsignaledustostayputbutMzamodi sobeyed
andfoll
owed.

“
Whatdoyouwant
?”Mziasked.

“Iam l
ooki
ngf orNobuhl
e.”Thepersonsai
d.I
t’
sa
male.MandladraggedmeandPal esatodad’
sroom
andclosedthedoorbehi
ndhi m.
“
Mandl
a,t
hisi
snotnecessar
y,”Isai
d.

“
honest
ly!
”Pal
esaagr
eedwi
thme.

“Forallweknowitcoul
dbeRhadebe’sbr ot
heror
cousinorevenhissonseeki
ngforrevenge,
”he
saysandpullsoutagunfrom adrawer.

“JesusChr
istMandl
a,’Pal
esacr
ied,“
putthatthi
ng
away.You’
reachil
d,youshoul
dn’tbecar
ryingthat
.”

“NotnowsisPalesa,
”hedismissedher.Idon’
twhat
tosaytoMandlacarryi
ngagun.Andal lofthi
sis
unnecessar
y.Allf
ourofthem arepani
ckingbut
PalesaandI.Mzamowal kedi
n.

“I
t’
saguy,hesayshi
snameisBaxol
ele,
”Mzamo
sai
dshovi
nghisknif
ebacki
ntot
hebackpocketof
hisjeans.Ihear dwhathesaid,i
t’
sBaxolel
e,I
haven’tseenhi m si
nceheandhi smom helpedme
escape.Ikill
edhi sfat
herandhe–l ikeot
herpeopl
e
–t hi
nksmyf atherkil
ledhi
m.I’
mj ustst
ari
ngat
Mzamo, Idon’tknowwhatt osaytohim.

“Si
si,
”Mandl
abr
oughtmebackt
oear
th.“
Doyou
knowhim?”

“i
t’
sRhadebe’sson.Heandhismom helpedme
escapethatni
ght.Iki
ll
edhi
sfat
her
,”Isaidunder
mybr eat
h.

“Buhle,”Pal
esat ookmyhands, “
Akayaziyenalonto.
Justgooutt her
eandt alktohim.Besidestheyboys
areher ewithunnecessar yweapons,hecan’tdo
anything,”(
Hedoesn’ tknowt hat
)shesaidandf or
thefir
sttimeIsawPal esa.NotMzi’
sgi r
lf
ri
end;just
Palesa…maybesher eallydoesmeanwel l.
“ShouldIt el
lhimtol eave?”Mzamoasked.Ishook
myhead.Ineedt of acehim now.Iwenti ntot
he
dining-r
oom andf oundhi m si
tt
ing,l
ookingaround
andl ookingnervous.Andwhywoul dn’thebewi t
h
LikahkhaandMzil ookingathiml i
kethey’r
e
assassins.Likhakhai sstandi
ngbyt hemai ndoor
andMzibyt hekitchendoor .Hecan’trunevenifhe
tri
ed.

“
Nobuhl
e,
”hest
ood.

“
Takeasi
tbaf
o,”Mzicommandedhi
m.Heobeyed.

“
Bhut
i,i
t’
sokay.Hewon’
thur
tme,
”Isai
d.

“
Utat
a…goshNobuhl
e,Iam sosor
ry,
”-Baxol
ele.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”Iwhi
sper
ed.
“No,Iam sorr
y.Myfatherwas…Ihat
ehi m.Iwi shhe
couldcomebackt oli
fesoIcouldki
llhim again.
”
He’sangry,heli
ft
eduphist-
shir
tandr evealeda
bandageallaroundhi
sstomach.

“Whathappened?”Imovedi ncl
osetogetaproper
l
ook.Nowt hatI’
mt hi
sclosetohi
m Icoul
dhear
howlaboredhisbreat
hingwas.Iendedupsit
ting
ri
ghtnexttohim.

“Het houghtIwasgay, ”hechuckl ed.“Thatni

ght,he
toldmet ogoandsl eepwi thyoubutIr ef
used.I
couldn’tdothattoyou, ”hepaused;I’m guessi
ngt o
gatherhisemot ionsbecausehi seyeswer eturni
ng
red.“Het ol
dmehegotyouf orme,thatIshould
mar ryyou.Someni ghtsIcamei ntoyourroom
whi l
eyouwer easl eep,Ijustcoul
dn’thurtyouli
ke
that,I’
m sorr
y,”hecr i
ed.Igatheredallofhiminto
myar msandembr acedhi m.Heneededi t
,weboth
did,
“
Youshoul
dhavet
oldme,
”Isai
d.

“Ididn’
tthi
nkhe’dhur
tyoul
iket
hat
.Itdi
dn’
tatal
l
crossmymi nd,
”

“
Iunder
stand,
”

“ThatnightwhenIr efused.Hesaidhe’ dshowme

whatar ealmani ssupposedt odo,bigf ell
owwasi n
myr oom wi thagunt omyheadmaki ngsur eIdon’t
callforhelp,”Pal
esadr oppedt woglassesofj uice
beforeus.Idoubtwear egoingtodrinkt hosebutI
appreciatethegest ur
e.“Sowhenyouescapedhe
want edt obeateveryoneint hehouse.;includingthe
kids.Itoldhim Ididitandt henextt
hi ngIwokeup
i
nahospi t
albed,
”

“Iguessyouar
enotangr
ythatmyf
atherki
ll
ed
him?”Isai
d,
“Iknowyouki l
ledhi
m Nobuhl
eandi t
sokay,”he
chuckled,“Heaskedmeifyouwerenotbeautif
ul
enoughf ormewhi l
eIwasinthehospit
albed”he
smiled.

“
What
?”Iwi
pedt
het
ear
sfr
om hi
sfaceandsmi
l
ed
t
oo

“
backi
nhighschoolIhadhugecr
ushonyou, you
wer
esobeaut
iful
.”hesai
dandwel aughed.

“ThankyouBaxolel
e,
”Li
khakhawasn’
ttaki
ngki
ndl
y
toBaxol
elet
ell
ingmehewoul dsl
eepwithme
anyti
me.

“
Butthebast
ardwasri
ght
,Iam gay,
andnow
t
hankstoyouandIcanst
artl
ivi
ngasagayman,
”

“
Howi
syourf
ami
lyt
aki
ngt
his?Dot
heyknowIdi
d
i
t?”Iasked.

“
It
’sdeath,
itcomeswi
thadar
kshadowbutImean
t
hey’
llbeokay.Onl
ymymom andIknow,
”

“
Howdi
dyouguysknowi
twasme?
”

“It
’sobvious,”hest
oodandIstoodwit
hhi m.“Thank
youf orseeingme,”wehuggedandIfeltasenseof
rel
ief.Il
ookedatLikhakhaandhewinkedatme.

“
Thankyouf
orcomi
ng,
”Iwal
kedhi
m out
.

It
’sei
therBaxol
eleisbl
indorhechoset oignor
ethe
factt
hatthepri
ncewasst andi
ngagai nstmydoor.
Anyway,that
’sgood;Li
khakhadoesn’tneed
anymorepeoplebowingbeforehiminmyhouse.
Mybr ot
hersalr
eadyteasehim ever
yday.Whenhe
walksinaroom, t
heyallsi
ng;“Nkosiyesizwe,”
(
Kingoft
henat
ion)andbowbef
orehi
m.

“
Ispokewit
hthedet
ect
ive,
”sai
dMzamoasI
wal
kedin.

“Whenshoul
dweexpectdad?
”Iasked
ent
husi
asti
cal
ly.

“Hesayst hecasehasbeengi vent oanotherteam,

i
t’stooclosetohim.Hisdaught erisa
victi
m…confli
ctofint
erest
,”Itookadeepbr eat
hin,
screwlif
e…”healsoaiddadwon’ tbecominghome
anytimesoonandhe’ ssorryhecoul dn’
tcome
throughforyou,
”headded.

“
Whatnow? ”Iasked.I
nact
ualf
actIwasaski
ng
mysel
fthatquesti
on.

“
I’
llcal
lmyl
awyert
ogetoni
t…”Li
khakhasai
d.
“
Doyout
hinkhe’
l
lhel
p?”Iasked.

“
Itr
ustme,
”hewentt
hroughhi
sphoneandt
hen
wal
kedout
.

Ijustl
osteveryounceofhopethatIhad.Ikeep
havingthisfeeli
ngthati
fdadcomeshomet hem
everyt
hingwi l
lgobacktonormal
.He’l
lbuyme
chocolateeverydaytomakeupforever
ythingand
thenI’
dheal.

Thi
sFri
dayi
salsoadrag.Li
khakhatookmetot
he
pal
acet
oexpl
ainever
ythi
ngtohisparent
s.

“
Sanalwam,whydon’tyoucomehome.Youcould
j
ustkeepvi
sit
ingherever
yday,
”shemisseshi
sson.

“
Mama,
sheneedsme…pl
ease,
”hesai
d.Ihat
ethi
s…
“Uyayit
handalentombiNkosi,
”(Doyoulovethi
s
gir
l?)sheasked.Iforgothi
sothernamesareNkosi
andLawr ence.Lawrenceisajokesoundsso
far
fetched.

“
Kakhul
u,”(
Alot
)hel
ookedatmeandsmi
led.

“Rememberthefir
stt
imeIsawyouNobuhl e?”she
tookmyhand.Inodded.“
Itol
dyout hatmyson
wouldli
keyou.See?Amotherisneverwrong,”I
couldn’
thel
pbutsmil
eather.Yep!Shesaiditfol
ks.

“
Nkosi
kazi
!”t
hechiefcal
ledalmosti
na
r
epr
imandi
ngtone.“Younglady,
”hesai
d.

“
Tat
a,”

“
Iam notyourf
ather
,Iam yourki
ng,
”he’
snoteven
l
ooki
ngatme.

“
Dad,
co…”

“
Likhakha,
it’
sokay.Nkosiyam”Iobeyed.

“Doyouseethemessyouar
ebri
ngi
ngintomy
house?Igaveyouaj
ob,apl
acet
ostayandmade
youasomebody,”

“That
’sit,
wit
hal lduerespectsir,
”Li
khakhastood
andtookmyhand, Istoodwithhim,“Youtaughtme
tofi
ghtforwhatIbelieveinandbest rong,beaman.
Ichosetodot hatnow.Ican’tletyoutalkt
oherli
ke
that
.Iloveherdad.Ibelievei
nher ,i
nus”

“WellIbel
ieveinyouandRoseboy!
”theki
ng’
stone
gotaggressive.
“
I’
m sor
ry,
”Isai
dtot
heki
ng.

“
Donotut
teronewor
d!”heshout
ed.

“Dali
ndyebocal
m down!
”thequeensai
d.Ther
ewas
sil
ence.

“Icametocheckifyouar
eokayandi tseemsyou
are.Gi
vemeami nuteBuhle,
I’
llgetsomeclot
hes,
”
hewentupstai
rs.

“Talktoyourson!Isaidt
alkt
oyourson,”his
parentsstar
tedargui
ngandI’mjuststandi
ngthere
feel
ingsoawkwar d.“Heisapri
nce,soontobeking;
hecannotbewi thacommonerandyouknowi ttoo
nkosikazi
,
”

“
Mydear
…justcal
m down,
”
Idecidedtoexcusemysel f.Iwentt ostandoutside.
Ifeelsobadf orLi khakha;hispar entsarefight
ing;
hisdadhat esmeandhei sfightinghi m.istoodout
theretryi
ngt opretendl i
keIcoul dn’ thearthem
arguing.Likhakhacamebackt henhest ar
ted
arguingwit hhisfather.Hismom cal l
edmei nt
othe
kitchenwithLikhakha.Shegaveussomesconest o
givetomybr others.

“Nkosi,bri
ngmybagi nmyr oom,”shesaidand
Likhakhaleftus.“Myhusbandi sj
ustbeingaking;
don’ttakeanythinghesaystoheartdear”sheadds.
Inoddedandsmi l
ed.Iwanttoapologi
zetoherfor
causingthishavoci nherhouse.

“Iunderst
and,
”Isai
d.Li
khakhacamebackwi
thher
bag,shegavemeaf ewhundredRandsi
nan
envelopetobuysomeladythi
ngs.
“Nkosi,
”shelai
dherhandonhischeeks.Shereal
ly
l
ovesherson;“Ifyoureal
lyl
ovethi
sgirlt
henwhois
yourfathert
ostandinthewayofthat
?Youf i
ght
youhearme? ”shet ookmyhand.“ Youbot hfight
toothandnai lbecauset heywi llcomeaf teryou,
yourf ather ,
”shel ookedatLi khakha, “wil
lcome
afteryou, t
heel ders,thecounci leveryone…fightyou
hearme? ”webot hnodded.Ican’ tdot hi
s.Ican’t
fi
ght …I’vebeenf i
ghtingandIam done.I ’
m noteven
sureIwantt obewi t
hLi khakha, Idon’twanthisl i
fe.
We’ renotevent oget her…wellImeani t’
snotof f
icial
.
Ihaveal otI’
m deal i
ngwi thrightnow.Idon’ twant
toaddmor etothel i
st.Iam scar ed.“But,ifi
t’
snot
wor kingout ,
it’
sokayt oletgoandgoyoursepar at e
ways, ”t hankGodshesai dthat.Wesai dour
goodbyesandheadedonback.Wel lthatwas
somet hing.
[
01/
05,
13:
43] :ENTRY37
“
Yourmom i
sreall
yni
ce,
”Isai
dashewasusher
ing
meint
othehouse.

“She’sasweet
heart
…andthenmyda…”we’
rebot
h
startl
edbywhatwe’
reseei
ng.Whowe’
reseei
ng
rather,
“
Mol
weni
,
”(Hel
lo)shesai
dandst
oodup,

“
Hel
lo,
”it
sNoma.Thenthenextt
hingshehugged
meandcri
ed.Whati
shappeni
ng?

Al i
tt
lerecap:Nomai sthegir
lthatspreadarumor
aboutmehavi ngasugardaddybacki nhighschool
.
TheoneIsl apped,yesthatone.Whatt hehel
lisshe
doingher e?Ihaven’tseenhersincehighschool.
“Thedet ecti
veismyf ather,
”shesaid.Irel
eased
mysel ff
r om herti
ghtandawkwar dembr ace.Okay,
i
t’saddingup.

“Let
’ssit
,”Li
khakhalookedatmewithconcer
nandI
assuredhimthateveryt
hingwasokayandhe
excusedus.

“Ij
ustwant edt
othankyou,myfathert
oldme
everyt
hing.Hetol
dmet hatyou’
retheone…who,
you
know?
”

“
Whathappened?
”Iasked.

“Iwasdatinghisson,Mlungisi,
”Ir
emember
Mlungi
si.Iwonderwhathappenedt ohi
m.hewasn’ t
ther
ewhent heyki
dnappedme.“ Hewantedme, he
sentmegi ft
sandever yt
hing.Onedayafterschool
hesenthisguyst ograbme, theyt
ookmet oahot el
andthen…yeah!”

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”

“Al
lal
ongIthoughtIthoughtIwassmar ter
,bet
ter
andstr
ongerthanyou.Lookatmenow, yousaved
mefrom myself
.Suici
dalthoughtshaveneverl
eft
mesincethatdayandbeingmeant opeopleand
mostl
yyoumadef eelli
keIstil
lhadcontrol
,
”
“Well,
he’sdeadnow.Youcancont i
nuewi thl i
fe.I
don’twantt otalkaboutschool.Iwon’ tjust
understandandl eteveryt
hingshedi dtomesl i
de
l
ikethat.ButIwon’ tmakeitabigi ssue.Iowei tto
myself.Aftersomet i
mewemovedonf rom t he
Rhadebet opicandf ocusedonot herthings.Shei s
goingtoschoolnextyeart ostudyar chitectureand
I’
m actuall
ygl adshehassomet hingsf i
gur edout .
Honestly,Ijustwant edhertoleave, we’vechat ted
enoughnow.Mandl acamei nfr
om out side.

“
Woul
dyouguysl
ikemor
ejui
ce?
”heasked.

“
Mandla,
hel
lo…Imeanyespl
ease,
”shest
utt
ered.
Whatt
hehel
l?

“Yes,Mandla,
thankyou,
”Isaidyesonlybecause
shesaidshewant edmore.Idi
dn’twanthert
odrink
alone.I
t’
srude.
“
Noma,
youst
il
lli
kehi
m?”Iasked.Iam shocked.

“IthoughtIwasoverhi m unti
lIsawhi m hereand
thenmyhear tj
ustfai
ledme.Yourbr otherNobuhle,
”
shesi ghed.MandlacamebackandIwasj ust
i
nt er
estedinseeinghisface.Isheturningredand
pink?

“
Ladi
es,
”hesang.

“ThankyouMandl a,
sheimmediat
elyt
ookasi
p,”
Mandlai sjustst
andingher
elooki
ngawkwar
dand
nowIf eelawkward.
“
wil
lthatbeal
l?
”heasked.

“Yes,t
hankyouMandl
a.Youmayexcuseusnow…”
Isaid.

“
Thi
sisbestj
uiceIhavet
ast
edi
nmyent
ir
e
l
ife…you’
rer
eall
ygoodMandl a,
”shesaysandmy
earsarehur
ti
ng.Ican’
tli
stentoanymoreoft
his.I
t’
s
tooawkwardforme,makei tst
opplease.

“
It
’s…yeah.Ij
ustpour
editi
ntheglass…I
,okay…l
et
mejustgonow,”whatishesayi
ng.

“Yes,pl
easego,
”Isai
dundermybr
eat
h.Hehopped
out.
Likhakhawal kedoutoftheroom andthati
snot
goodi dea.Nomahasseenenough.Herj aws
l
iteral
lydroppedt oherl
ap.Hewenti nt
othekit
chen
andt heenti
ret i
meshewasf ol
lowi
nghim wit
hher
eyes.

“
That
’s…hei
s…t
hat
’sourpr
ince,
”

Inodded.
“Whati
shedoi
nghere?
”whyisshewhi
sper
ing?I
al
mostwantt
olaughmygut
sout.

“
He’
smyboyf
ri
end,
”Isai
d.

Shet appedmyt hi ghandsai d,“

Youl i
e!!”Likhakha
cameoutoft heki t
chen.Hehadt ogiveushi s
attent i
onbecauseNoma’ seyeswer epoki ngdeep
i
nt ohi ssoul.Hel ookedatherandwaved…she
wavedbackandnodded.Il aughed.Thisist oo
muchf orme.Likhakhaisnotacel ebri
ty.Hei sjust
apr ince.Comeonpeopl e.Clearl
y,I’
mt heonl yone
thati sn’tashypedabouthi ssurnameandt i
tl
e.
Afteranswer i
ngsomequest i
onsaboutMandl aand
Likhakhashel eftandyes, youguessedi t
.Mandl a
wal kedherhome.

At20:
00wewereal
lgat
heredupintheli
vingroom
chat
ti
ngt
heni
ghtaway;sadl
y,Pal
esaisn’
taround.
“I
sn’tNomatheNomathatbul
li
edyoui
nhi
gh
school?
”Mziasked.

“
Wai
t,youwer
ebul
l
ied?
”-Li
khakha

“Yes,i
t’
sher.AndIwoul
dn’tcalli
tbul
lyi
ngassuch,
shejustgavemeahardtime,”-Me

“
Mandla,wasthatyoudrool
ingoverear
li
er?”
Mzamo’stonehasahintofsarcasm.Weallbust
ed
i
ntol
aughter.

“Heybafo!
”(Heymybr other
!)Mandlacried.“Bul
l
y
ornot,Nomaishot.She’
sf i
erceandjust…hoooo”he
tookhisphone,“
Letmeshowyouherpi ctureon
facebook,
sheis…whatthe?”helooksstartl
ed.

“
Whati
sitbr
o?Youcan’
tfi
ndherpi
ctur
es,
”-Mzi
.
“
No,it
’sNobuhl
e,she’
sontheinternet,
”-Mandl
a.
WhatdoeshemeanI ’
m ontheinternet
?

“Ther e’
sapageonf acebook.Di
dyoudot his?”he
askedl ookingatme.Apage?Weal lsqueezedonto
onecouchgazi ngatMandl a’
sphonescr een.
Ther e’sapageonf acebook,Idon’
tknowwho
startedt hispagebuti twasdefi
nit
elynotme.The
nameoft hepagei sBELI KENOBUHLE.Ther e
picture’spicturesofmef r
om myoriginalf
acebook
page.Ihaven’ tpaidmuchat t
enti
ont omyphone
sinceRhadebeki dnappedme.I thasbeenof f
hiddeni nmywar drobe, somewhereundermy
clothes.

“Ihaven’
tbeenonl i
neindays, Mandlawhatist
his?”
Irantother oom andgotmyphone.WhenI
switcheditonthenoti
ficat
ionsstart
edfl
oodingin.
whenIl i
ft
edupmyheadever yonewasont hei
r
phones.
“Afri
endofminesentmeamessage,
inf
actal
otof
people.Whyar
eweonlyseei
ngthi
snow?”
-Mzi

Basical
ly,
there’
sthi
shashtagt r
endi
ng,#BNL, BE
LIKENOBUHLE.Thi saddsupnow, wheneverIwent
totheshoppeoplewoul dstar
eatme.Somewoul d
evenwaveatme.It houghtitwasbecauseoft he
wholepolicesagathathappenedinmyyar d.Mzi’
s
phonerings.

“SI
ZWE, ”
…”SABC1”hesignal
edMandlatot
urnon
thetv.I
sthi
sontv.Whattheheckhappeni
ng?I
don’
twantanyofthis.
“WhatisthisBNLever yonei stal ki
ngaboutyou
ask?”theladyont het vsings.Idon’ tevenknowt hi
s
show.Fol ksIthinkyoucanagr eewi thmewhenI
sayIdon’twat chtv…Ionl ywat chi twhensomeone
i
swat ching.“Wel l
,forthoseofyout hatdon’
tknow,”
apictureofmeappear edonscr een.Ilookedat
Li
khakhahi sgazehadnot hingIcoul dhol
dont o.I
meanwhocoul dhavest artedthi s.
“Thisladi
esandgentlemen,i
sNobuhleMqokeli
,
she’s19,”If
orgotIwas19,Ifeell
ikeI
’
m above25
withtheshitI
’vebeendeal
ingwi t
h.

“
Whati
sthi
s?”
-Li
khakha

“
Shhh,
”weal
labr
upt
lysai
d.

“Thest oryis,aboutamont horsoago,shewas

takenf r
om herhomeandwast ol
dthatshewast o
mar rymanol denought obeherf
atherwhoi s
alreadymar riedtotwowomen.Shewasl ockedup
i
nar oom, beatandr apedbythel
ateRhadebe.Long
storyshor tsheescapedandaf ewdaysl aterhe
camebackf ormorebutsiswasn’thavi
ngi tsoshe
tookmat tersintoherownhandsbyst abbinghimt o
deat h,
”

Thewhol
ethi
ngi
srepl
ayi
ngi
nmyhead.Fr
om t
he
ti
meIwast akeninmybedtothet
imeIwas
kneel
ingbefor
eadeadbody.Thewhol
ethi
ng.How
dotheyknowalloft
his?

“SoBNLsi mpl ymeansdon’ tbeaf r

aid,bestrong
andf i
ghtforyourself
.Ladi es,itmeansdowhat ever
i
ttakest oprotectyoursel
ff rom sexualpredators
l
ikeRhadebe.I t’
stimet otakeast and,girl
sbecause
wer unthewor ld,
”no,it’
snott ime.Iam declaring
thatti
me.Thi sistoomuch.Nowal otofpeoplewi l
l
knowt hatIam avi ct
im ofr ape.

“Nobuhlegi
rl,
wear ewi t
hyou.Pleaseshow
yoursel
f.Weareyourf ansandwear ewai t
ingf
or
you…herear
esomecomment sonourtwitt
erhandl
e;
NOBUHLE, WHEREAREYOU? ;CANNOBUHLE
SPEAKTOUSPLEASE?FI NDUSNOBUHLE;BUHLE
WELOVEYOU, PLEASETALKTOUS”Peopl eare
l
ookingforme.Whoeverst artedthi
spagedoesnot
underst
andwhatt hey’r
ejuststar
ted.Idon’
twantto
tal
ktopeople.Idon’twantfans.
“Nobuhl
e,wher
everyouar
e,pl
easeshowyour
sel
f.
Onothernews…”

Mandlaswi
tchedthet
voff.Webaskedi
ntheglor
y
oft
hisconf
usionandsi
lencef
orafewseconds.

“
Doyouknowwhatt
hismeans?
”-Mandl
a.

“
No,
what
?”-Me

“
Oh,Iwashopi
ngyou’
dknowbecauseIdon’
t,
”-
Mandl
a

Ilookedatmyphoneagain.Thenotif
icat
ionsare
i
ncr easi
ng.Fr
iendr
equest
sonf acebookareoozing
l
ikebeesonhoney.Someofmyf ri
endson
Facebooksentmemessagesaski ngwhatis
happening.RememberMsLanga, Noma’steacher,
theonethatwasincl
asswhenIwentt oteachhera
l
esson.Shesentmeal ongassmessageabouthow
she’
salwaysknownthatIwasabr avegir
l.Shesai
d
I’
vealwaysbeenherf
avori
testudentandIknew
that
.

*
NOBUHLEWELOVEYOUGI
RL
*
YOUAREMYHERO
*
GIRLPOWER
*
YOUAREABRAVEYOUNGGI
RLCONTI
NUE
I
NSPI
RINGUS
*
BABONI
SEGHAL(
Showt
hem gi
rl
)
*
#BLN.
..
IAM TOTALLYGONNABELI
KEYOU
*
UNZI
MANTOMBI
*KEEPITUP.Thisoneisver
yambiguous,
Imust
say.WhatmustIkeepup?Kil
li
ng?

*ASCRAZYASTHISMIGHTSOUND,
INOW
BELI
EVEINSUPERHEROSANDYOU’REONEOF
THEM.YOU’ RESUPERWOMAN.Super woman!
Whenwast helastti
meIwasher ?Thi
sisagreat
reminderofthepersonI’
vealwayswantedt
obe.I
plannedonbeingsuperwomanandIhaven’treal
ly
thoughtabouther.DidIabandonher,
me?Anyway,
mywal lwasf l
oodingwit
hthose.

“Thestor
yisonInst
agram now,
”-Li
khakha.Idon’
t
haveInst
agram.Ortwi
tter
.

“
Idon’
twantt
odot
his,
”Isai
d.

“Youdon’
thavet
odoanyt
hingbabe,
”Li
khakha
says.

“Excuseme, ”Iwenti nt
otheroom t
ogathermy
thoughts.Wher e’
smom whenyouneedher ?Ilai
d
onmybackandcl osedmyeyes.Al
lofthisisgi
ving
meanxi ety.Idon’twanttobefamous.Ijustwantto
beanor malgi r
l,Iwanttostudyl
awandbe
super
woman.Notsuper
womanf oravastnumber
ofpeopl
e,j
ustal
imi
tedandcont
roll
ednumber .I
wanttobesuper
womanincourt
.Likealegal
super
woman.

Af ewmi nuteslat
ertheboyswal kedi
n.Iappr eci
ate
thattheygavemeaf ewmi nut estomyself.Iam
surethatLikhakhastoppedt hem from comingt o
met hesecondIent eredther oom.Iknowmy
brothers,t
hedon’tunderstandwhati tmeanst ogi
ve
mesomespace.

“
I’
m al
ri
ght
,”Isatupst
rai
ght
.

“
What
’smaki
ngyoupani
c?”
-Mzi

“
Thatyou’
rebl
owi
ngup?
”-Mzamo

“
Idon’
twantanyoft
his.Whatam Isupposedt
osay
tothesepeopl e?Kill
,ki
ll
,kil
l.Iam notpr
oudofwhat
did,Ican’tsleep.Ihavenightmaresaboutthi
sman.
Ili
terall
ywentf rom bei
nganobodyt obeing
super woman…noonecar edaboutme.Mypi ct
ures
barelygotf i
ftyli
kesnowmyphonewon’ tst
op
beeping,”-
Me

“Buhle,”Li
khakhakneltbeforemeandt ookmy
hands.“ Youarenotakill
er,andyoudon’thaveto
dothis.Butitwon’tchanget hef
actt
hatyoudi d
somet hinghugeandpeopl ewantyouandyou
hidi
ngi nyourroom won’tchangethefactthat
peopleknowyou.I t’
llj
ustgiveyougreatski
n,”we
bothchuckled.

“Ri
ghtnow, yourbiggestf
ansar estandi
ngright
beforeyouandwewoul dn’
tleadyouastray.I’
d
adviceyoutopickupyourphoneandbet he
superwomanyou’ vealwayswant edtobesis,”
-
Mzamo
“
Mygi
rl
fr
iend’
saher
o,”Li
khakhasays.

“
Inotyourgi
rl
fr
iend,
”Iwhi
sper
ed.

“
You’
repushi
ngi
tbr
o,”Mandl
abr
ushedhi
shead.

“Doyouknowwhatyouneedt odori
ghtnow?
”
Likhakhaasked.Ishr
ugged.“YouneedtoBeLike
Nobuhl e,
”hesaidwit
habrightsmil
e.

“JahBabay, #BNL”-Mandla.Seri
ously?I’venoti
ced
howmybr otherj
ustallbri
ngoutadi f
ferentsideto
Likhakha.Mandlabr i
ngsoutthejokerinhim,
Mzamobr i
ngsoutt heoverpr
otecti
veand
possessivesidet
ohi m andMzi bri
ngsoutt he
mat ur
e,warm andcar i
ngside.

“
Okboys,
letmej
ustsl
eepoveri
t,
”Isai
d.
“Or
,”Li
khakhasai
dwavinghisindexf
ingeri
nfr
ont
ofhisf
ace.“Youcoul
dsleepoverme,
”

“Ok,
it’
sbedti
meforyou,
”Mzamogr abbedhisar
m
anddraggedhi
m.Icoul
dn’thel
pbutlaughathi
m.

“Baby,
youarepushi
ngi
tbr
a…pl
ayi
tcool
,
”Mandl
a
saysastheywal
kedout
.
Boyswi
llbeboys.
[
01/
05,
13:
44] :ENTRY38
Saturday,12:
00.Ihadf i
nishedcooki
ngwhenI
heardPalesawal kinginwi t
hexcit
ementfol
lowed
by3gi rl
s.Ihaven’ttouchedmyphonet odaybut
Mandl akeepsupdat ingmeanyway, Ihadtochase
hi
m away.

“Theresheis,
mysisteri
n-l
aw,”sheranandt
hrew
hersel
fatme.She’shuggi
ngme.“ Howareyousis,
thesegir
lsheardt
hatIwaskindoffamousbecause
youandt heybeggedmet
obr
ingt
hem t
oyou,
”she
blabber
edon.

“
oh!Hi
…”Iam soconf
used.

“Hekil
ledmysisterabout2year
sagoaf t
erkeepi
ng
herl
ockedupf orweeks.Shewasalsopromised
marri
agewhichshewant ed.Sheli
kedaft
erthi
ngs
i
nlif
e,hatedschool,
”oneofthegi
rlssai
d.Shelooks
about15.

“l
iki
ngfi
nerthi
ngsinli
fedoesn’tmeanshedeser
ved
whathappenedtoher,
”Isaidthefi
rstt
hingt
hat
cametomymi nd.I
’
m notOprahhere…”AndI
’m
sorr
ythathappenedtoyoursi
ster,
”.

Wespokeal otwit
ht hegir
ls,
theywereaskedme
whyIdidn’
trespondt ot
hem onli
ne.Wecriedand
l
aughedandi twasjustgoodhourandahal forso.
“
Thankyou,
sisin-
lawf
orgi
vingt
hesegir
lsyour
t
imeandatt
enti
on,
”sai
dPal
esa.Sisi
n-l
aw.What
t
heheck?

Theboyswalkedin,al
lfourofthem.Wher ewere
they?WasIalonethi
sentir
etime?Suddenl yt
he
girl
swentonthei
rknees.GoshLi khakha,
his
presencei
s…

“
Dal
indyebo!
”theysang.

“
Pleasestand,
”hehelpedtwooft hem upwhile
Mandlahelpedtheotherone.Andwhyt heheck
i
sn’tPal
esabowi ngbefor
ehim?Dosahet hi
nkthat
t
hey’ref
ri
endsnowbecauseshe’ sdatingMzi?

“Hell
oMzamo,”oneoft
hegi
rl
ssai
d.Theydi
dn’
t
givemethei
rnames.
“
Khanya,hey”Mzamo’
seyeskeeprunningfr
om her
t
othefl
oor,tomeandthenbackt
oher .Whatist
his?

“
Doyouguysknoweachot
her
?”Ihadt
oask.

“Notreally,
”hesays.Shef orcedasmi l
e,Icouldtel
l
thatshewaski ndofhurtbywhatMzamoj ustsai
d.
Andi t
’sclearthatthesetwohavehi st
ory.“Excuse
megi rl
s,”hefollowedtheboysi nsi
de.Wehugged
beforethegirlscouldleave,
butPalesast ayed
behind,I’
m guessingshe’ssleepingover.Mzamo
cameoutoft hehouser unni
ng.

“Khanya!Khanya!
”hecr
ied.Khanyast
opped,her
faceli
tupwhenshesawMzamo, shewalkedupto
him.

“
Didhe,
youknow?
”-Mzamo
“Mzamowethu,thet
hauvakal
e,
”(Speakandmake
sense)f
eist
y,Il
ikeher
…

“
DidRhadebehur
tyou?
”heasked.

“What’
sitt
oyou? ”
-Khanya.It
akei
twhatever
happenedbetweenthem wasn’
tni
ce.Mzamojust
l
ookedather.Shesighed.

“
Whathappenedbet
weent
hose2?
”Pal
esa
whi
sper
ed.

“
Shhh,
li
sten,
”-Me

“No,hedidn’
thur
tme, I
’mfi
ne”shesof t
enedup.
Mzamol ookedbackandsawt hatwewer e
eavesdr
oppingsoPalesaandIpretendedli
kewe
werehavingourownconversati
onbuthedi dn’
tbuy
i
t.
“
I’
llbei
ntoucht
hen,
”-Mzamo

“I
twasgreatseei
ngyouMzamowet
hu,
andourl
it
tl
e
si
steri
sawesome,”-Khanya

“
Itwasgr
eatseei
ngyouKwakhanya,
”-Mzamo.

Il
eftPal
esaandwentt
oMzamo.

“Iwi
llnott
alkaboutthatsi
si,
”hesai
d.Idi
dn’
teven
wanttotal
kaboutit.Iwrappedmyarmsaround
him.

“Il
oveyou,
”Isai
d.Her
est
edhi
schi
nonmyheadad
heembracedme.

“
Iloveyousi
swam,
”heki
ssedt
het
opofmyhead.
“
Andshe’
spr
ett
y,”Iqui
ckl
ywhi
sper
ed.

“
You’
vest
art
ed,
Isai
dIwon’
ttal
kabouti
t,
”

“Nobuhleeeeeee,
”thatf
olksi
s;Si
zwe.Nooneel se
cal
lsmel ikethat
.Webot hgr
oanedsti
llhol
ding
eachother.

“
Doeshehavet
oshout
?”-Me

“
He’
syourbr
other
,”
-Mzamo

“
Hei
syourbest
y,”
-Me

“Mzamo, lethergo,
”heshout
ed.Irantohim.“
Stop
ri
ghtthere!”Ist
opped.He’
sgoingtoasktodoaturn
aroundforhi m.“
Givemeaspin,letmeseeyou,
”
andlikeanaï
vel
it
tl
egir
lIspunar
oundforhi
m.
“Lookatyou,
youaret
hemostbeaut
if
ulsist
erI
have,
”

“Sizwe,
youdon’
thaveanothersi
ster
,”Il
aughed.He
broughtmeachocolat
e.Li
ndt.
Wewal
kedbackt
othehousehand-
in-
hand.

“
Baf
o”(
Mybr
other
)Si
zwesai
dtoMzamo.

“
Gazi
,wher
ehaveyoubeen?
”(Bl
ood,
)-Mzamo

“
Whyyoumi
ssedme?
”-Si
zwe

“
Fuckyoubr
o,”
-Mzamo.Theyhugged.

Wewenti
nsi
de.Si
zwet
hrewhi
msel
font
hecouch.
“HeeeySi
zwe,
usaphi
la,
”(Youar
est
il
lal
ive?
)Mzi
cri
ed.

“
I’
m around,justbusyher eandther
eyouknow, ”he
t
urnedhisattentiontoMandla,“HeyMandla
wabantwana.Whatar eyoudoingtothesegir
lsman;
t
hey’r
ecrying,justlastweekoneofthem askedme
f
oryournumber ,
”

“Di
dyougi
veher
?”-Mandl
a.Si
zwewinkedathi
m.
Ohmygosh,weal
lknowwhatthatmeans.

Li
khakhawal
kedi
nfr
om t
her
oom.

“
Sizwe,
you’
reher
e”hesai
d.

“Chi
efmychief
…Dalindyebo.Ulapha…”hi
sface
wentali
tt
ledarkt
here.“Am Isupposedtobowor
somethi
ng?”heasked.Am Itheonlyonewho
not
icedt
hesuddenchangei
ntheat
mospher
e?

“Yesact
ually,
”Likhakhasaidandt ookasitnextt
o
me.Whatishappeni ng?Ithoughtallthebrot
hers
werecoolwi t
hLikhakha.Ithoughttheypastthat
phaseofgivinghim ahardt i
me.

“Butsi
nceI
’m Nobuhle’
sbrot
herIdon’
thavetodo
that
…ri
ghtNobuhl
e?”Sizwelookedatme.Ihaveno
sayinwhobowsbef orehi
m andwhodoesn’t.

“
Nah,don’
tworryabouti
t…”sai
dLi
khakha.Hedoes
l
ookali
ttl
eint
imidat
ed.

“Good,
mychief,
”-Si
zwe.Hei
snotevenachi
ef.
He’sapri
nce.

“
Sizwe,
stopi
t,
”If
oughtf
orhi
m’
“
I’
mjoki
ngwi t
hyou,rel
axbr
o,”hesaidandtheydi
d
t
hehandshakethi
ngyboydothatendswithasnap.

“
Sizwebr
a,youcanbever
yint
imi
dat
ing,
”says
Mandl
a.

Laterthatday,Vuyocamearoundtodel
iversome
muf fi
nsfrom hismom.Vuyoisthedr
unkardthat
l
ivesnextdoor .Af
terchat
ti
ngali
tt
lewit
hmy
brothers,
Iwalkedhim out
.

“
Thankyourmom f
ormepl
ease,
”Isai
d.

“Nobuhle,veleIwanttoapol ogizeforlento
eyenzekil
euyabona, ”(
Iwantt oapol ogizeforwhat
happened? )hesays.“Minangi zokuvikelasthandwa
sam, youaret heforme,”(
I’
llprotectyou)Okay, he
i
shigh.Hei salwayshigh.
“
Ok,
thankyouVuyo,
Iappr
eci
atei
t,
”

“Youareahero,
mamaAf ri
ca,”heki
ssedhi
shand
thenatt
emptedtot
ransf
erthekisst
omyl i
psbutI
backedaway.

“
Ungahambangoku,
enkosi
,
”(Youmayl
eavenow,
t
hankyou)

“Il
oveyou,mamaAf ri
ca,
”smell
ssobad.He
grabbedmyarm andpulledmeclosert
ohi
m.Again
-Ibackedaway,
Iwillnotmakeascenebecausehe
i
sgoi ngt
ogethurt
.

“Vuyo, l
etmego, ”Itr
iedtoreleasemysel ffr
om hi
s
gripbuthewashol di
ngont ot i
ght.Het r
iedtoki
ss
mesopunchedhi mr i
ghtacrosst heface.“Go!
”I
cried.ThenextthingIsawwasMzi andSizwe
tryingtogetLikhakhaoffofVuyo.Li khakhawason
topofhi m punchinghimrepeat edly.
“Si
zani
!”(
Help!
)Vuyocr
ied.Theyf
inal
lymanagedt
o
gethi
m off
.

“Trythatbull
shitagai
nandseewhatwi l
lhappen,
”
saidLikhakhapanting.Mandl
adraggedVuyoout.
Lit
erall
y.PalesaandMzamot ookmei nsi
deandsat
medown.

“Whereisshe?”Li
khakhawal
kedi
nbr
eat
hing
heavi
ly.Oureyesmet.

Atthi
spointmybl oodi sboil
ing.Iwantt
opunch
someoneagain.Iwi shIcouldhavedonemor eto
Vuyo;maybebreakhi snoseorteeth.Maybeeven
stabhi
m, t
hem givingmewat erandbrushingmy
backismakingmybl oodboil.Ihat
emen!Li khakha
satontopofthetabl ethentookmyhands.

“
Don’
ttouchme!
”Isai
dandpul
ledmyhandsaway.
“
Buhl
e,i
t’
smeBaby,
”hesai
dwi
thasombert
one.

“
Sisi
,nguLi
khakha,
”Mzamobr
ushedmyback.

“Isaiddon’
ttouchme,”Ist
oodupi mmedi at
ely.
Likhakhagrabbedmyhand.“Don’ttouchme, don’
t
touchme…”Ist ar
tedweepinghysteri
cal
lyasI
foughttofr
eemyselffrom hi
m.

“
Baby,
leaveher
,”
-Pal
esa.Hel
etmego…

Ther
ewassil
ence.Alleyeswereonme.Icoul
dfeel
myfaceheat
ingup.Likhakhawastear
ing.

“
Iwoul
dneverhur
tyou,
”hesai
d.“
Never
”

Ir
ant
odad’
sroom andl
ockedmysel
fin.Whathas
becomeofme?Wi l
lIeverhealagai n?Isawmom
anddad’ sphotoont hetabl
e, i
tlooksliketheyare
l
ooki ngatme.They’resmi l
ing.Itookitandgota
closerlookatit
.Theywer ealwayssohappy.Some
daysf eelli
keawalki nt
hepar kandsomef eell
ike
I’
m bet weenarockandahar dplace.Iplaceda
handovermymout htomuf fl
emycr y.Idon’twant
toalar mthem.I’
m surethey’r
eal r
eadyal armed.
PoorLi khakhahasbeennot hingbutgoodt ome
andIknowhewoul dneverhur tme.Igat heredmy
emot ionsandwalkedout ,t
hesqueaki ngoft hedoor
announcedme.

“I’
m sor
ryaboutthat
;Ijust…Idon’
tknowwhat
happened,”myli
psstartedquiver
ing,f
uck!It
hought
Ihadgatheredmyemot ions.“Hejustcameonto
me…andt he,”
.Li
khakhaabandonedhi sspaceon
thecouchandcamet ome.

“
Shhh”hebur
iedmei
nhi
sar
ms.
“Ij
ustIgotangry…andthen;I
’m sor
ry,
”-Iam not
makingsenserightnow.Helif
tedmeupandhel d
ontomef ordearlif
e.IhavehuggedLikhakha
befor
ebutneverlikethi
sIpromiseyou.

“I
t’
sokay.You’
reokay,
”hewhisper
ed.“
I’
m hereand
Iwon’
tleaveyou”.Heputmedownandt henhel
ped
mecleanmyf ace.

“
Washebl
eedi
ng?
”Iasked.

“
What
?”-
Likhakha

“Vuyo,washebl eedi
ng?Ipunchedhi snose,
”.They
allbustedi
ntolaughter
.Iknewthey’dlaugh,
I
want edtol
ight
ent hemood.Theat mospherewas
tooheavyanditwasal lmyf aul
t.
[
01/
05,
13:
44] :ENTRY39
Thisdayhasbeensodr amat i
candannoyi ng.Two
l
itt
legir
lsnamedSi saandLi hl
ecamear oundear l
ier
onwi t
hapl asti
cf ul
lofpeaches.Theysai dt heysaw
myst oryontvandt heirbigsisterexplai
ned
everyt
hingtothem, sot heyst olesomepeachesf or
me.Iwi shyoucoul dhaveseenhowLi khakha’s
faceli
tupwhenhewast al
kingtot hem.Hel ooks
l
ikeasuckerf orkids.At20: 00wewer eallinthe
l
oungechat ti
ngt heni ghtaway.Asperusual .It
l
ooksl i
keSizwei sst ayingover.

“Guys,Ithi
nkIwanttotal
ktothem,
”Isayoutoft
he
blueloudenoughforthem t
ohearme.

“Youmeanyourfans?”Mandl
aasked.Hel
ooksand
soundsr
atherexci
ted.

“Yeah, Imeant hosetwoli

tt
legi
rl
sthatcamehere
earl
iert oday,
itmademeseewhatpeopl eseei
nme
andl ookedatbr i
ghtersi
deofwhathedidtomeand
everything.Imeant heepi
sodesIkeephavi
ng,
someonemi ghtbehavi
ngt
hem andunfortunatel
y
theydon’
thaveyouguysasthei
rsupportsystem,”
-
Me

“
Final
ly!
”Li
khakhaj
umped,
“Ndi
yabuya,
”(I
’
llbeback)

“
Andt
he,
”-Me

“Waitandsee,
”-Mandl
a.Hecamebackwi
tha
plast
icfr
om MTN

Hehandedittomeandsai
d,“
Gomeetyourf
ans,
i
t’
sfr
om allofus”

It
’sasmar t
phone.ASamsungnote;t
hisphoneis
verybig,
biggert
hananyphoneI’
veevertouched.
It
’sevenbiggert
hanLi
khakha’
s.
“
Guys,
what
?”Il
ookedatal
loft
hem onebyone.
“
How?”
“
Weal
lpi
tchedi
n”-Pal
esa

“Youtoo,”-Me.Iam actual
lyshockedt hatPalesa
Pit
chedi nont hi
s.Ourrel
ati
onshipisnotyetcl ear;I
don’tknowwher eIstandinfact.Frankly;Imyself
havenoi deawher eshestandswi t
hme.Somet i
mes
we’r
egoodandsomet i
messhe’sj ustsoannoyi ng.
Butatleastnowwehaveanunder standingwheni t
comest oMzi .Sheknowsherpl ace.“Thankyouso
muchguys, ”
Mandlahel
pedmesetever
ythi
ngup.MyWhat
sApp,
f
acebookandIal
soj
oinedInst
agr
am.

“
Whatnow?
”Iasked.

“Postsomet
hing,
saysomet
hing,
”Pal
esasai
d.“
Oh
andtagme”
“
Justgi
vethem assur
ancethatyou’
reher
e,andi
t’
s
r
eal
lyyou”Li
khakhasays.
Her
e’swhatIpost
ed.
HEYGUYS,FIRSTLYI
’DLIKEFOREVERYONETO
KNOW THATIDIDNOTCREATETHEBNLPAGE
ANDISTILLHAVENOI DEAWHOCREATEDI T.I
PERSONALLYWOULDN’ THAVEADVERTISED
WHATHAPPENEDTOMEBYSTARTI NGASOCIAL
MEDIAPAGE,HOWEVER;IHAVESEENHOW MY
STORYHASHELPEDANDI SHELPINGSOME
PEOPLE.HONESTLY,
IAM STILLTRYINGTOMAKE
SENSEOFEVERYTHINGTHATHAPPENEDAND
WHATMYNEXTSTEPI S.FORNOW, HAVEA
GOODNIGHT.
Mandlawasthef i
rstper
sont ol
ikethepostand
thenf
rom t
hereon, not
if
icat
ionsstart
edfl
oodingi
n,
someofthem read;
*
SHEEXI
STS
*
ILOVEYOU
*
WENEEDMOREGI
RLSLI
KEYOU
*
PLEASEPOSTASELFI
E.YOUAREBEAUTI
FUL
*
YOUDI DTHERIGHTTHI NG.SCREW THELAW,
t
hisone’
sfr
om Baxol
ele.
Itookadeepbr
eat
heinandthenout .Ilockedmy
phoneandputi
tontopoft
het able.Iknowmyself,
I’
m goi
ngtowantt
oreadeverysinglecomment .
Sundaymor ni
ng.Itshoul
dbeapeacef uldaybutit
i
snotapeacef uldaybecausePalesawantstodrag
allofustochurch.Shemustjustfor
getwithmy
brother
s.Theywillgoanywherebutnotchurchand
forme…no,I’
m good.

“Guys,masambenit orho!Sibalate,
”(let
’sgopl
ease!
We’regett
ingl
ate)shebegged.She’ sbeen
harassi
ngussincel astnight.Itol
dhert ogi
veitup
becauseit
’snotgoingt owor k.Ididnoti
cethere
wasabi bl
eIdad’sroom, Ithoughtitwasmom’ sol
d
bibl
ethatMzifound.Nowi tallmakessense.Even
whenmom wasst i
llalivetheboysdi dn’
tbudge.
“Ndigrandbabe,
I’
llseeyoulat
er,
”(I
’
m okay)he
kissedherfor
eheadandt henwal
kedout.

“Si
sPalesa,
meandchurchar
ejust2t
hingsyou
shoul
dnevermi
x,
”healsobai
led.

“Ithi
nkMziiscal
li
ngusBaby…shobra!”Mzamo
grabbedLi
khakhaandtheyr
anout.Ohman!They
l
eftmealonewithher
.Shehasherhazeleyesgl
ued
onme.

“
For
geti
tPal
esa,
no,
”Ipr
otest
ed.

“
YouneedGodi
nyourl
if
e,”shesays

“Ok,nottodaythough…andIhaveGodinmyl i
fe.
”
That’
sal i
e,Idon’tknowwhoGodi s.MaybeGod
haschangedbecauset heguythatmamat ol
dme
aboutisn’tt
hekindofguythatwouldal
lowmet o
getraped.MaybeheknewthatIwasgoingto
commi tmurdert
hat’
swhyheallowedRhadeberape
me;soIgotpunishedbef
orecommi t
ti
ngasin.
MaybeGodi smadatmef orki
ll
ingRhadebe.she
huff
ed,tookherbagandj
ustli
kethat
,shewasgone.

Atar
ound13:
00Pal
esacamebackf
rom chur
ch.

“Hmmm, youguysdor
eal
izet
hatt
her
ear
ecamer
as
out
side,
right
?”

“What?”Likhakhasai
dandt
heyal
lli
ter
all
yfl
ew
out
side,”

Ipeakedthr
oughthewindowandsawMzit
alki
ngto
alady.She’
sal
ldoll
edupwithamici
nherhand.
Li
khakhacamebacki nsi
de.

“
What
’shappeni
ng?
”Iasked.
“
Theywantyou,
”hesays.

“
Me?
”

“
Yes,
theywantani
nter
view”

“Idon’twanttodoani nter
view,goandt el
lt hem.”I
wentt ohidei
ndad’ sr oom.Whatt heyhell?Idon’ t
wantt odoani nterview.Whogavet hem myhome
address?Couldn’ttheycal lfir
standmake
arrangementswi thme?Iam get tingofpeopl ejust
doingt hi
ngsonmybehal f
.Fir
stitwast hef acebook
pagenowani nterview.Theycan’ tjustshowup
unannounced.I nfact !Letmegoandgi vet hem a
pieceofmymi nd.“Excuseme! ”Ishouted.

“
Star
trol
li
ngst
artr
oll
ing,
”oneguyssai
d.
“No,don’
t!
”Isai
d.“Whoinvi
tedyouher
e?Ist
his
whatyounormallydo,
showupatpeople’
shouses
unannounced?”

“We’
resor
ryNobuhl
e,I
’
m sopleasedtomeetyou…I
apol
ogi
ze.Wejustr
eal
lywant
edt hi
sint
ervi
ew,
”

“
Well,
Idon’twantt
odot
hisst
upidint
ervi
ew.Idon’t
wantt
o…pleasego,
”Mzamodraggedmet otheside.

“
Whatar
eyoudoi
ng?
”heasked.

“
I’
mtr
yingt
ogett
hesepeopl
eof
fourbacks,
”Isai
d.

“
Whydoyoukeepr
unni
ngawayf
rom t
his?Huh?
”

“
Iam notr
unni
ngawayf
rom anyt
hing,
”
“Li
sten!I
twon’
tchange.Hehur
tyou!Her
aped
you..
”

“
Mzamo”Ii
nter
rupt
edhi
m.howdar
ehespeakt
o
mel
iket
hat
?

“No!Youneedtohearthi
ssi swam, st
optryi
ngto
avoi
ditother
wiseyouwillnothealandincaseyou
werenotaware,youhavepeopletoheal,
”

“
Idon’
twantt
ohealpeopl
e”Iwhi
ned.

“Toolate,yout ookupt hatjobtheminuteyou

postedonf acebook.You’resocaughtupindenial
thatyoucan’ tevenseewhent hesuperwoman
you’vealwayswant edtobei sri
ghthere.I
t’
sti
meto
useyoursuperpower ssis,gother
eandkicksome
ass,”wellthatwassomespeech.Ican’ thel
pbut
feelli
keher i
ght.Ever
ythinghesayingishit
ti
ng
home.
Iagreedtodot heintervi
ew, sheaskedmeal otof
questionswhi chItriedtoansweraswi selyasI
possiblycould.Ididn’twantt oletmepeopl eknow
mor ethant heydoaboutt hatnightort hatday.They
Istil
lneedt okeepsomet hingst omysel f.Italked
aboutmyf amily.WhenIsayf ami l
y,Iam including
Likhakha,butIr ef
erredtohi m as‘ mycr ush’ and
Palesa.Yes–Iment ionedher .She
helps…somet imes.Ial sotookaf ewquest ionsf rom
theviewer .Somewer esoper sonalbutIst uck
throughit.Itookaf ewsef ieswi t
ht heinterviewer ,
shepr omisedt otagmeonI nstagram andf acebook.
Wellt
hishasbeenonehel lofaday.Itseemslike
mydaysar egonnabef ul
lsurpr
isesfrom nowon.
Theboyswentt ovisi
tdadbutrefusedtotakeme
wit
h.Apparent
ly,dadsaidhedidn’twantmet osee
hi
mi nthatpl
ace.
[
01/
05,
13:
44] :ENTRY40
I
thasbecomeatr
adi
tioninthi
shousethatby20:
00,
weareseat
edi
nthel
ivingroom chat
ti
ngunti
lwe
can’
tnomor
e.
“Youar
elyi
ng,Idi
dnotplayhardt
oget
,”Pal
esa
saysi
nthemiddleofl
aughing.
“
Ohpleasebabe,
itt
ookmemont
hst
ogetyou,
”sai
d
Mzi
.
“Soyouwant
edmet
osayyest
hever
ymomentyou
appr
oachedme?
”

“
Hmmm yeah!Youl
ikedme,
didn’
tyou?
”-Mzi

“Lookguys, what
’simportanti
sthatyouguysare
togethernow.Gir
lsdon’tplayhar
dt oget
,wedon’t
stal
l.Wej ustwai
tfort
hatmoment …youseewhen
thatmomentcomes…hmm Lor d,
”-Me

“ThankyouBuhl
e!”Pal
esacr
ied.Wehi
ghf
ivedeach
other
.

Iwokeupt
hismor
ningf
eel
ingl
essheavy,
less
worriedandl essanxi ous.Ifeell
ighterinmyhear t
.I
sawdadi nmydr eamsl astnight.Hewaspacki nga
bagget tingreadyf oralongjourney.Iaskedhi m
wherehewasgoi ngbuthedi dn’
tt el
lme.ButIj ust
knewt hathewasgoi ngawayf orar eallylongtime.
Hehuggedmeandassur edmeIwoul dbef i
ne.The
smileonhi sfacemademef eelsohappy.Hesai d,
“Myl uckychar m, you’r
egoingt obemor et hanokay.
Everythingisasi tshouldbe,”.Iwantt oseehi m so
bad,Imi ssmyf ather…isi
tpossibl et
ol oveandhat e
someoneatt hesamet ime.Idon’ tunder st
andwhyI
can’
tseehi m whenMandl acan.Iam ol derthan
Mandl a.I’vebeenbeggi ngLikhakhat ot akemet o
him buthei sn’tbudging.

“
PleaseBaby,
Imi
sshi
m,”Ibegged.

“
Buhl
e,Idon’
twantt
odi
e.Yourbr
other
swi
llki
ll
me.
”

“
Wewon’
ttel
lthem wher
ewe’
regoi
ng.We’
l
lsaywe
ar
egoi
ngt
othepal
ace,
”

Hegr
oaned.

“
Fine,
”Ij
umpedandhuggedhi
m.

Af
terourli
tt
lepr
ivat
etal
kbehi
ndt
hehouse,we
wai
tedforanhourbefor
ewecoul
dleave.

“Boys,
wearegoingovert
othepal
ace.Ij
ustwantt
o
seemom,”Li
khakhasaid.

“Ohwecanl
eavet
ogether
.Yourmom sai
dwe
shoul
dcomeandseeherremember
,”
-Mandl
a.

“Nottoday,youcan’
ttoday.Seehe’
sgoingtotal
kto
hismom aboutsomet hi
ngver yper
sonal
…jah,
it’
sa
personaltal
ksono…,”Iclear
edmyt hr
oat.“
Okbye,”
Idr
aggedLi
khakhaout
.

“Youaregoingt
obet hedeathofmeIpr omi seyou,
”
hestart
edthecar.Mzamol eani
ngagai nstthedoor
withabottl
eofbeeri
nhi shand.Judgingbyhi s
disposi
ti
onhedoesn’tbuyourstory.Idon’tcare,I
’m
goingtoseedad.Anythi
ngelseIwi l
lfacewheni t
comes.
We’
reher
e.

“
Itol
dtheboystonotbringyouhere,
”hesaidand
l
ookedatLi
khakha.Helooksali
tt
lethinher
eand
t
henbuteit
herthanthat
.Heissti
lldad.

“Sir
,I’
m sor
ry.Youknowyourdaught
er,
”hesai
dto
hisdefense

“
Ibeggedhi
m dad,
”Ial
sodef
endedhi
m.
“Don’
tworryaboutit
,Iwasmi ssingyourbeaut
if
ul
facepri
ncess.Isawyourint
erviewont v,
Iam so
proudofyou,”hesmil
ed.Idon’twanttocryinfr
ont
ofdad.Thisisahappymoment .

“
Thankyou,
daddy,
”

“Li
stenprincess,
Ialwaystel
lthi
stoyourbrot
hers
whent heycomear ound;i
fanythi
nghappensIlove
youall,
”

“
don’
tdot
hat
,”

“
Haveal
it
tl
efai
thsi
r,
”Li
khakhasai
d.

Hesmil
edsoft
ly,
“Youl
ooksogrownup.Youknow
t
hatIam al
wayswit
hyouri
ght
?”-Dad
“t
ata,canyoustoptal
kingl
ikethatpl
ease.You’
re
scari
ngme, rememberyousaidyou’dbebacksoon
andLIkhakha’sl
awyerisworki
ngont hi
scase,”
-Me

“Remembermybrownjersey–t heoneyoul
ike
steal
ing–i
tsyour
s.Keepitfor
ever,
”

“
No,Idon’
twantit.I
’
llkeepst
eal
ingi
tfr
om you
whenyouret
urn,
”-Me

“Don’
twor
rysir,ever
ythi
ngisokaybackathome.
AndMzi’
sgirl
fr
iendisaround,Si
zweisback…i
t’
s
j
ustaful
lhouse,”-Li
khakha

Dadchuckl
ed.“
That’
sgood.You’
real
lmy
chi
ldr
en…st
ayandtakecar
eofoneanother
,”
-Dad

“
Time’sup.”Ar
etheyseri
ouse?Thatf
eltl
ike2
minut
es.I’
m notr
eadytosaygoodbye.
“
far
ewellmyl
uckychar
m.I’
m alwayswi
thyou…I
l
oveyousomuchmyf l
ower
,”-
Dad

Myf at
herhasal waysbeenanambi guousand
mysteri
ousman.ButIdon’ tli
kethewayhe
speaki
ng.I t
’sasthoughheknowssomet hingwill
happen.Knowi ngmyf ather;hewouldn’
teventell
anyoneifheknewsomet hingbadwasaboutt o
happen.Anyways, wearr i
vedathome.Mi ssi
on
accompl i
shed!ButMzamohasn’ tst
oppedlooking
atmesi ncewegothome.Webr oughtNando’sand
afewalcohol i
cbeveragesf ort
heboys;chocolates
forPal
esaandI ,
justmaket hem al
lshutup.

Iwasintheki
tchendishingwhenMzamoshowed
upoutofnowhere.Il
iter
all
ydidnotseehi
m comi
ng
i
n,Ij
ustbli
nkedandhewasr i
ghtbehi
ndme.

“
Mzamo,
youscar
edme,
”hedi
dn’
tsayanyt
hingsoI
l
ookedbackathim.heissti
llst
ari
ngatme.Letme
j
ustshutup.“
Areyouhavingyourfoodwit
hbeeror
j
uice,
water…?
”lookatmymout hgoingagai
nstmy
br
ain.

“Ni
velaphiBuhl
e,
”(Wher
ear
eyouguyscomi
ng?
)he
askedwithalowlyt
one.

Ikeptmyeyesonthetabl
eundert
hem.“
Kul
oBaby,
”
(Fr
om Baby’
shouse)

“Songubanii
sdengeapha? ”(
Who’saf oolher
e?)I
canhearhisf
oot st
epsthumbingonthef l
oor
towar
dsmydi recti
on.Ir
eall
ydon’twanttodothis
withMzamo.

“
Mzamo,
canwet
alkaboutt
hisl
ater
?”Ibegged.

“
Justt
ellmet
rut
h,beni
phi
?”(
Wher
ewer
eyou?
)he
says,
“LookatmewhenI
’
mtal
kingyou,
”

“
I’
m di
shi
ngMzamo,
wil
lyouexcusemepl
ease,
”

Het ookmyhandandpul ledmet owardshimsel

f.I
attemptedtoret
urnmyat tenti
ont ot
het abl
ebuthe
preventedmebyholdingont omyhand.“ Mzamo, I
don’thaveti
mef ort
his,”Ifidgeted.Withhisi
ndex
fi
ngerhel i
ft
edupmyf acef rom thegroundtohis
eyes.

“LookatmewhenI
’
mtal
kingt
oyou,
”hesayswi
tha
ster
ntone.

“Fi
ne!Youaresuchapainintheass.Wewentt
o
town,hetookmeoutonadat e…”t
hethi
ngwit
h
Mzamoi sthatheseesr
ightt
hroughmeand
nothi
nggetspasthim.
“
You’
rest
il
llyi
ngt
ome”

“
Whatt
hehel
lMzamo?
”

“
Iwantyout ellme…t
ellme?
”hi
stonei
sget
ti
nga
l
it
tl
eaggressive.

“Yes!Iwenttoseedad,
Imisshim bhut
i”If
inal
ly
confessed.Iwon’
twint
hisbat
tl
e.

“
Likhakha!
!!
”hef
lewout
.

“
Mzamowai
t!
”Ir
anaf
terhi
m.

“Sur
ebra,
”thesecondLikhakhastoodhewasback
onthecouch.Mzamo’spunchsenthim back.Hi
s
noseimmediat
elyst
artedbleedi
ng.Li
khakhagot
himsel
fbackuptofightbackbutMandlaheld
Mzamobackwhi
leIwasnur
singLi
khakha.

“
Mzamo,
getout
!”Mandl
ademanded.

“
Areyoucr
azy?
!”Ishout
ed.

“Ubumsaphi
?”(
wher
ewer
eyout
aki
ngher
?)he
panted.

“
Umsephi
?”(
wher
edi
dhet
akeher
?”-Mzi

“
Askhi
m,”
-Mzamo

“
Someonepleaset
ellmewhatt
hehel
lisgoi
ngon?
”
Mzishout
ed.

“
Lenj
atookNobuhl
etoseedadi
njai
l,
”Mzamosays.
“Iaskedhim, Ibeggedhi m…i t
’snothisfault
,”Isaid.
From thereonever ythingwentsout h.Mzicarri
ed
meandt hrewmeasi de.Theywer eallbeati
ngup
LikhakhabutIdi dn’
tjuststandt her
e,Itri
edtost op
them.Igoti nont hefighttoo.EvenPalesagoti n
butsheandIcombi nedwer enotamat chformy
brother.Si
zwecamei n…thankyouheavens.

“Whatt
hef uck?”hepull
edMzamoout .Ijumpedon
Mzi’
sbackcausi nghimtolosebalance.Palesagot
aholdofMandl a.Mzifi
nall
yfel
lwithmehangi ng
onhisback,Iquickl
ycrawledovertoLikhakhaand
hel
pedhim situpstrai
ght.

“
I’
mfi
ne,
I’
mfi
ne”hesai
dandpushedmeaway.

“
Don’
tfucki
n’t
alkt
oherl
iket
hat
,”
-Mandl
a

“
Shutup!
”Iyel
ledatme.
Sizwegaveusal latimeout.Noonei stalking,
everyoneiscat chingabreathert
hebestwayt hey
knowhow.Pal esawaspr ayingindad’sroom.My
stupidbrotherswer esmokingoutsideandSi zwe
wast idyi
ngupi nt hel
ivi
ngroom, i
tlookslikethere
wasat or
nado.Iwashel pingLikhakhacleant he
blooddr i
ppingf r
om hisnose.

“
Whyar
eyoucr
y?”hewi
ncedasIwi
pedhi
snose.

“Becauseyou’r
ebleedi
ngandmyf
ingerr
eal
lyhur
ts,
Ithi
nkitgottwist
ed,
”

Hechuckl
ed,
“It
oldyouyou’
dbet
hedeat
hofme,
”
hesai
d.

“
I’
m sosor
ry,
”Isai
d.
“
I’
mfi
ne,
”he’
supset
.Icant
ellhei
sbuthewon’
ttel
l.

Palesadi
str
ibutedthefoodweweresupposedt
o
havehadagesago;butbecauseMzamoi sanass
we’reonl
yhavingthefoodnow.At20:
00Sizwe
cal
ledusallforafamil
ymeeti
ng.

“
Whatt
hef
ucki
sgoi
ngonher
e?”Si
zweasked.

“Bhut’
Sizwe,
theyhur
tmet
oo,
Ihur
tmyf
inger
…,”I
said

“Ial
sogothurtonmyshoul
der.Iwasj
usttr
yingto
stopthef
ight
,”Pal
esabr
oughtherowncasetothe
tabl
e.

“Mzamostar
tedal
loft
his.Heover
react
edas
usual
,
”Iadded.
“
Buhl
e,hol
don.”Si
zwewavedhi
spalmintheai
r.
“
Madoda,ar
eyougoingt
osayanyt
hing?
”

“
Youguyshadnor
ightt
olayahandonhi
m,”
-Me

“No-bu-
hle”hisvoicet
ookonathickst
accat
o
rhyt
hm.Iwhi spereda‘sor
ry’
asIsunkint
othe
couch.

“
Thi
sguyt
ookNobuhl
etoj
ail
,
”-Si
zwe

“
Toseeherdad!
”-Li
khakha

“
Afterwemadei tcleart
hatshewi
llnotseehimin
j
ail
?”thest
aringgamebet weenMziandLikhakha
r
ightnowisintense.

“
Didyouguysact
ual
lybel
ievet
hatLi
khakhawoul
d
saynot oNobuhle,hi
sloyal
tiesarewithher…not
you.Soyout houghtbeat
inghim uswoul dchange
thefactthatshesawherfatherinjai
l?
”-Si
zwe

“
Nahbra,
thatwasj
ustt
oteachhi
m al
esson,
”-
Mandl
a

“Mandl
a,Likhakhaisnotyouragemate.Lett
hatbe
ver
yclear
,”saidSizwe.“
Likhakha,
youseem t
obe
ver
yquiet
.Doyouhaveanyt hi
ngtosay?”

"Br
aSizwe,
I'm gonnasaythi
sinfr
ontofever
yone.
Therei
snothi
ngt hatNobuhl
easksofmeIwillnot
do,
unlessiti
sbeyondmypower s.Nobuhlei
sanadult
she'sboundtodowhatshewant s.I
ftomorr
owshe
asksmet otakehertoherfat
herndi
zokwenzanjal
o
(Iwil
ldojustt
hat)
.Ifi
tmeansndizobethwaever
y
ti
me, t
hensobei t
.Uxolo"(
Excuseme)hesaidand
walkedoutsi
de.
“Likhakhauyaphi?”(Wherear
eyougoing?)Iasked
buthedel i
berat
elyignoredme.Ther
eisnowayhe
didn’thearme.Ifoll
owedhim.Hewasi nsi
dehiscar.
SizweandMzamof oll
owedme.“Whereareyou
going?”

Hesi
ghed.

“Letmecomewithyouthen,”Ididn’
twantt
obe
alonewi
thmybrother
.Ididn’twanttobeher
eatal
l.
Notaft
erwhatt
heydidtoBaby.

“
Geti
n,”hesai
dandIdidn’
twasteanymoret
ime.I
j
umpedintot
hatcarl
ikemyli
fedependedonit
.

“
Nobuhl
e!”Mzamocal
led.

“
Dri
ve”
[
01/
05,
13:
44] :ENTRY41

“
Areyouokay,
”Iasked.

“
I’
mfi
ne,
”hesai
dconcent
rat
ingont
her
oad.

“Whydi
dyoubri
ngmeal
ongi
fyou’
renotgonna
speakt
ome?”

“
Youaskedt
ocome.Thepl
anwast
obeal
one,
”
r
udemuch…
“Wellt
akemebackhome,
”hel
ookedatmet
hen
backatther
oad.

“Idon’thaveti
meforyourgamesBuhle,”hesai
d.
Hedr oveintoahotel
.Theminutehi
scarpull
edin;a
guyinawhi teshi
rtandblackpant
srushedoverto
him.
“Nkosana,”(
Pri
nce)hebowedhisheadandsai d.
Thenhenot i
cedthathewasn’
talone.“
Ntombentle,
”
(Beaut
ifull
ady)heacknowl
edgedmypr esence.

“Fana,
nicetoseeyouagai
n,”It
akei
ttheyknow
eachother
.
“
Likewi
se,
mypr
ince.Anyt
hingyouneed?
”heasked.
“No.I’
m okayfornow.Thankyou,
”heconti
nuedto
theundergroundelevat
orandI
’mjustf
oll
owinghi
m
aroundli
keal ostpuppy.

“
Wher
ear
ewe?
”Iasked.

“
hotel
,don’
tworry.
”Theli
ftopenedandwewal
ked
i
ntoabeauti
fulr
ecept
ionarea.

“
SisBeauty”hesangaswewal keduptoaplump
l
adybehindtherecept
ioncount
er.Shehasalotof
makeupon.

“
Dalindyeboomnci nci
,
”(YoungDalindyebo)herf
ace
l
itup.“Haibo!Thi
sisNobuhle,asinBNL.Youar eal
l
mydaught ertal
ksabout,
”Ismiled.

“
Nicet
omeetyousi
sBeaut
y,”Isai
d.

Shebroughtoutapi eceofpaperandapen,“Please
si
gnthisforherleavealitt
lemessage,
”shesaid.
WhatthehelldoIsay?Whati sNobuhleabout?Yes!
She’
saboutbr avery.Isi
gnedandwr ot
e;BEBRAVE.
“
Uxolonkosiyam,doyouneedyourr oom keys?”
(
I’
m sor
rymyki ng)shesaidgr
abbingthekeysfrom
arackf
ullofdi
ffer
entkeysandroom number s.

“Thankyou, andasusual
.Iwasn’tneverher
e,”he
tookmyhandandwal kedwit
hmebackt othe
elevator
.WhenIwalkedin,Iwasn’tasmesmer i
zed
asIt houghtIwoul
dbe.Thebathroom andlavator
y
areinonepl ace.Asyouwal kfurt
herdown, there’s
thebedroom onyourr ightandt henevenf urther
downyouf i
ndt heki
tchenont helef
t,theli
ving
room islocatedonther i
ghtandt hent hedining
area.Ipull
edopent hecur tai
nsandf oundabal cony.
Backatt hepalace,t
here’sabal conyinLikhakha’s
room butIneverwentandst oodoni t.Thesunhas
l
ongsetandst arsareoutt winkl
ing.Thisplace
wouldbesor omanticifLikhakhawasn’ tsosour .

“
Wouldyouli
kesomet
hingt
oeat
?”Iaskedcl
osi
ng
t
hedoorbehi
ndme.

“
No,don’
twor
ryabouti
t,
”he’
snotevenl
ooki
ngat
me.

“Shoul
dIrunyouabath?
”Isatnextt
ohi
m and
wrappedmyarm ar
oundhisbutheimmedi
atel
y
stoodup.
“I
’m goi ngtogetsomef oodforyoutoeat,
”forme
toeat .Whyi shesayi ngthatl
ikeI’
m someorphan
hei sforcedtot akecareof?“BathandIhavesome
clothesi nt
her oom, youcangr absomethi
ngto
sleepi n,whatdoyouwant ?”

“
Can’
tweor
deri
n?we’
reatahot
el?
”

“
Idon’
tcheckin.t
hisi
smyhi
dingspot
,whatdoyou
wantt
oeat?”

“
Arewer
eal
lygoi
ngt
otal
kaboutf
oodLi
khakha?
”

“
Wel
lwhatdoyouwantt
otal
kabout
?”heshout
ed.
“You’r
ecl earl
ynotfi
ne,let’
stal
kaboutthat,
”Ical
mly
said.Trustmei fIwantedtopickafightwi
th
LikhakhaIwoul dhaveyel l
edback,
Idon’thavethe
energyf orthatnow.Istood.
“Youwantt otalkabouthowyourbr othergangedup
onmeaf t
erIt oldyoutheywer egoingtokil
lme?Do
youwantt otalkabouthowst ubbornyouar e?Or
howyout hinkeverythi
ngrevolvesaroundyou?Or
howyoudon’ tcareaboutconsequencesasl ongas
yougetwhatyouwant ,youdon’tcarewhoget shurt
i
nt hepr
ocess, ”hepouredhisangerout .

“
That’
snottr
ue,
Icar
e…al
ot”whyt
hehel
lar
ethese
t
ear
sfall
ing?

Het ookhi skeysandheadedf ort hedoor .“ Likhakha

wait…Likhakha! ”Iranafterhim.buthei gnor edme,
het henbangedt hedoorbehi ndhi m.Ijust
can’t…mybr other sareactingupt hi ssideandon
theot herit’
sLi khakha.Idon’ tknowwhatt odo.
Likhakhal eftmei nthisplaceal one…I ’
mj ust
conf used.Itookabat h,
threwonashi rtIf oundi n
thewar drobe.I tsalmost22: 00nowandLi khakhai s
notback, Itriedcal li
nghim wi t
ht hel andlinebuthe
i
twentst r
aightt ovoicemai l
.Ifoundcof feei nthe
ki
tchensoImadet hat
,watchedsomet vandr ead
magazines.Li
khakhal
eftat20:50,
itcan’
ttakethat
l
ongt obuyfoodanddriveback.

Iwasstart
ingtodozeoffwhenIhear
daknockon
thedoor
.It
s23:15.PleasebeLi
khakha,
please…I
’
m
alit
tl
eworried.

“
Whoisi
t?”Iaskedloudenoughfort
heper
sonon
t
heot
hersideofthedoortohear
.

“I
t’
smebabe, ”whenIhear dhisvoi
ce.Iopened
i
mmedi at
ely.Myprayerwast hathewasn’tdrunkor
hurt
.Andt omysur pri
sehewasper f
ectl
yfine,hi
s
gazewasal it
tl
esof t
er.HehadaMcDonal dsbagi n
onehandandacanofcokeandkeysi ntheother.
Hewal kedr i
ghtpassedmeandmadeal ef
tintothe
ki
tchen.Ifoundhim unpackingthebag.

“
Sitdown,
I’
lldot
hat
,”Isai
dtaki
ngoverf
rom hi
m.
heobeyedbyst
eppi
ngasi
de.Hel
ooksexhaust
ed.
Heneedstosl
eep.

“I
’m sorr
yaboutearli
er,
”hesays.It
ookonegl
ance
athim andIjustknewthatIwasgoingt
ofor
give
hi
m.Si l
lypr
ince.

“I
t’
sokay,
justsi
t.
”Agai
n,heobeyedme.Wow.”
I’
m
sorr
y
aboutwhatmybr ot
hersdidtoyou.Youwer eright
andIshouldhaveli
stenedtoyou,
”Igavehim hi s
food.Helookedatmeanddi dn’
tsayawor d.That’s
okay,Idi
dcatchaghostofasmi let
here.Itookmy
foodandsatnexttohim.wesatinsil
encei ndulgi
ng
ontheburgers.

“Didyoucal
lme? ”heasked.Fi
nal
ly!Ididn’
tknow
whattosay.I’
veneverhadaboyfr
iendbef oreandI
real
lydon’
tknowwhatt odowhensucht hi
ngs
happen.NotthatLi
khakhaismyboyf r
iend,whatI
meantwast
hat
…he…okay.Letmeshutup.

“
Yeah,Iwaswor
ried,
”Isay.It
ookt
hepl
atesbackt
o
t
hekit
chen.Hef
ollowedme.

“Thi
sshir
tlooksbet
teronyou,
”hewhisper
edinmy
earandchil
lswentdownmyback.Hewr appedhi
s
armsaroundmywai stf
rom t
heback.

“
Ithi
nki
tlooksbet
teronmet
oo,
”Isaysof
tl
y.

Hechuckled,“
Conf identmuch,”
.Hepackedmy
brai
dsallononesi deandt henkissedmyneck.
“Whatisthi
s?”thatwoul dbemybi rthmar
khe’
s
tal
kingabout
.

“
Mybir
thmark,
”Isai
d.Hisfingeri
smovingar
ound
mybel
lybut
tonandIcan’tconcent
rat
e.
“
Yes,
butwhati
sit
?”

“I
t’
sashapel
esscl
oud,”Isay.hechuckl
edand
ki
ssedmyneckagain.

Iturnedar
oundandki ssedhim.hisgripgotti
ghter
aroundmywai st.Ifel
thi
shandt r
aveli
ngundert he
shir
tIwaswear i
ng.Whenhewasont hehip;Iheld
hishandfrom goinganyfurt
herup,Ilookedathim.
Hiseyeslookedsmal l
erthanusual.
“Iwon’tdoanyt hingyoudon’ twant .Ifyouwantme
tostopjustt ellmeokay? ”,hesai dunderhi sbreath.
Iwant edthisasmuchashedi d.Ifnotmor e…I’
ve
alwayswonder edhowi twasl i
ket obei nti
mat ewith
aboywi l
li
ngly.Iwentonmyt ippytoesandki ssed
him.Idon'twanthi mt ostop, Ijustf orgotthatmy
brothersaren'ther ewithus.Heunbut t
onedt heshir
t
totheveryl astbut ton.Analyzedmybodyf rom top
totoe.Ifeltinsecur ealit
tl
e, butitsLi khakha.He
pickedmeup.Myl egswer ewr appedar oundhi s
waistwhi l
ehi shandswer ehol dingmybehi nd.No,
nothol di
ng,carryi ngmybehi nd.Hewal kedtothe
room andshutt hedoorbehi ndhim.Hel ai
dmeon
mybackont hebed.Idon' tknowwhatI '
m doing,
butitfeelsri
ght .He'sont opofmeki ssingmeand
touchingme. ..
theai risgetti
ngt hickandmybodyi s
slowlysurrender ing,Ifeeleverywal lofinsecuri
ty,
fearandsel f
-doubtbr eaki
ngdownwi thever yki
ss
andt ouch.Hest oppedandl ookedatme.Am I
doingsomet hingwr ong?Whyi shest opping?

“
What
’swr
ong?
”Iasked.

“Ar
eyousureyouwanttodot
his?Ar
eyour
eady?I
canwai
tforyou”hesays.

“Li
khakha,”Ipulledhim downsohe’ sclosertome,
“Justkissme,”.Hesmi ledandwentf orit
.Hemade
mef eelthi
ngsInevert houghtexist
ed.Hewas
gentl
ewi thme;ki ssedeveryscarandst r
etchmark
hecameacr oss.Hemademef eell
ikewewer ethe
onlypeopleinthiswor l
d,li
kemybodywasamap
navi
gat
inghi
mt oanotherr
eal
m,l
ikeweexi
stedi
n
anot
hergal
axy.Lor
d!!
!

Iwokeupat2a. m.andi mmedi atel

yr emembered
whatwedi d,If
eltasmilecreepingin.Iall
owedthe
smiletodwellonmyf aceforagoodf ewseconds.I
tur
nedar oundtofacehim buthewasn’ tther
e.Then
theli
ghtswenton, myeyesbehel dLikhakhawith
nothi
ngbutawhi tetowelwrappedar oundhiswaist
.
Lord,t
hisboybettersl
owdownnowbecause
shame!

“
Hey,
”hesai
dent
husi
ast
ical
ly.

“
Hel
lo,
”Ij
ustcoul
dn’
thi
det
hesmi
le.i
t’
stoobi
gfor
myl
iki
ng.

“Whyar
eyousmili
ng?”heasked.Excusemet
his
guyi
salsosmi
li
ng,pr
obablymorethanme.
“
Becauseyou’
resmi
li
ng,
”

“DidIwakeyouup? ”heasked.Ishookmyhead.I
alsowentforaquickshower.Ifoundhiminbed
waiti
ngpati
entl
yforme.Itookanot hercl
eanshi
rt
andthrewiton.
“
Youngl
ady,
youwi
llf
ini
shmywar
drobe,
”hesai
d.

“Yousoundl i
keyourfatherwhenyoucal lmeyoung
l
ady,”hel aughed.Iswi t
chedof ftheli
ghtand
j
umpedi ntobed.Hei mmedi atelyopenedhisar
ms
formet ogoi n.Irest
edmyheadedonhi schest.I
neverreallynoti
cedhowbi gLikhakhawas
compar edt ome.I’mlikeThumbel i
nanexttohi
m.
I’
m Thumbel i
nanexttomybr othersaswell.

Heki
ssedmyf
oreheadandsai
d,“
Guesswhat
?”

“
What
?”
“You’
renotavir
ginanymore,
”hesays.Ilif
tedupmy
headandlookedathim,Iki
ssedpassionatel
y.He
meantitwhenhesaidIwascompl et
et ohim.I
adorehim.

Wewokeupar ound10, wellwesl eptat6because

weupt al
kingaboutt hings,wehadnobusi ness
talki
ngabouti nthef i
rstplace.Het oldmeabout
howhe’ st henextinlineforthet hrone.Hel oves
thatthrone,andhe’ ddoanyt hingtopr otectit
.He
alsoloveshi sfat
her ,heador eshimi nf act.Hesays
i
tdoesn’ tmat t
erhowmucht heyf i
ghtheknowst hat
oldmanl oveshim andhel oveshimt ooandt hathe
mayseem l i
keahear tl
essoldmanbutunderal l
thatfaçadehe’ sjustasweetguywhol i
keshi sbowl
ofamasiwi thsugar.AndIbel i
evet hat,Iknowhi s
father,
heoncel i
kedmesomuch…hewassweet
andwi se.Whenwear ri
vedher ethingswer eal i
tt
le
rockybet weenLikhakhaandI ,
butI ’
m gl adwe
foundcommongr ound…inbed.
[
01/
05,
13:
45] :ENTRY42
Thi
ngar
est
il
ltenseher
eIsense.

“Wher
edidyouguysgo?Wewerewor
ri
edsi
ck”
Pal
esasays.Shepani
csal
ot.

“
Wecheckedi
ntoahot
eli
ntown,
”Li
khakhasai
d.

“SoyouchoseLi
khakhaoveryourbr
other
s,”
-Mzi
.
Heismental
lyi
ll
.Ipromi
seyou.

“
Mzi
,notnowpl
ease…”

“
He’
snotl
ying,
”-Mandl
a

“Whatdi
dyouguyswantmetodo?Leavehi
m al
one
aft
eryougangeduponhi
m?”
-Me
“
Wear
eyourbr
other
s.He’
sast
ranger
…”-
Mzamo

“
I’
m ast
rangernow?
”-Li
khakha

“
Att
hispoi
ntyouar
ebr
a,”
-Mandl
a

“
YazwenaMandl
a,”Li
khakhachar
gedt
owar
ds
Mandl
a.

“Li
khakhacal
m downplease,
”wedon’tneed
anymorefi
ghti
ngint
hishouse,i
t’
senough.

“
Pleasegiveme5minuteswit
hhim,just5mi
nut
es
wit
hthisboyletmet
eachhim al
esson…”-Me

“
Boy?
!?Whatt
hef
uck?
!?”Mandl
aret
ali
ated.

"
Mandl
a!”Icr
ied.“
Mandl
a,Mzamo,
Mzi
..
.
Nobathathu”Ireducedmyvol ume.Ijustdon’
twant
toshout.“Thi
sguyt hatyouarecall
ingastranger
nowstoodupt ohi sfat
herforme.Hedi sobeyedt
he
chi
effor
me…hei
sher
eforme.Thi
sst
rangeri
stheonewho
of
fer
edt
opaymyfeeswhenyouguys
couldn'
t.So,wheneveryouguysdeci deyouwantto
ganguponhi m andcallhim ast
rangerj
ustknow
thatIwil
lpickhisside"Isaid.

“Mxm,”-Mandla.Iam goingtoignor
eMandla.I
chooset obet
hebi ggerperson.Oh,
howIwi shI
coul
dj ustl
aymyhandonhi m.howIwishIcoul
d
j
usthave2mi nuteswi t
hhimi ntheroom…j
ust2
minutes.

“
Letmegoandcook,bytheti
meIfi
nishcooki
ng
t
herehadbet
terbeasol
uti
ontot
hismess…orat
l
eastsomepeace,
”
Somet i
mes, youjustneedt oputyourf ootdown
andspeakyourmi nd,makedemands.Especi all
yif
youhave3st ubborn,overprotectiveandhot-headed
brother
s.Andhonest l
y,ther
e’ snot hi
ngIcandoi f
theydecidetodisobeyme.Thet r
ickistobecl ear
enoughsot heyhavenochoi cebutt odoit,makei t
soundliketherewillbear eper cussion.

Growi ngupmybr otherusedt obullyme.Therewas

threeoft hem andonl yoneofme.i tgottoapoi nt
wher eIwoul dcry,Ithinktheydi dn’tr
eal
ly
under standthatIwasagi rlandnotaboyl ikethem
andt hatbeingchasedar oundwi t
hadeadbi rdisn’
t
somet hinggirl
spar t
icularl
yenj oyed.Buteventuall
y,
theywoul dcomfortme.Ever ytimeItoldonthem,
myf at herwouldsay:

“Aren’
tyougi
rl
?”thatl
ineusedtoannoymesobad
becauseIwantedhimtopunishthem.

“
That
’swhyt
hey’
rebul
lyi
ngme,
becauseI
’
m agi
rl
,”I
wi
pedmyt
ear
s.

“Thereyougomyl uckychar
m,usethatt
oyour
advantage.Suggestyouplayagameyouknowyou
willwi
n,”he’
dsaywi thhisgl
uedtot
henewspaper
.

“
Likewhat
?”

“
Idon’
tknowbaby,youcanski
propeoranyof
t
hosegi
rlygames,
”

Ismil
edathim,t
houghhewasn’tlooki
ng.Iwalked
awayfrom myf
atherwi
thasmi l
eonmyf aceand
det
erminat
ioni
nmyheart.Iknewjustwhattodo.

“It
’smyturntochooseagame,”Isai
dst
andi
ngover
them.theywerekneel
ingont
hedustygr
ound
playi
ngmar bl
es.
“
No!Goaway,
”Mandl
asai
d.

“AreyouscaredMandla?”Iasked.Thatwasme
tr
yingtoprovoket
hem.Iknewal ongti
meagot hat
Mandlawasver ygul
li
ble,manipulat
ehim and
you’r
edone.

“Whatevergameyouchoosewewi
llwi
n,soi
t’
s
usel
ess,”-Mandl
a

Theyf inallyagreedt oplaywi thme.Wepl ayed

‘
udushe’ f
orthoseofyouwhodon’ tknowt hatgame
l
etmeexpl ainal i
ttl
e.Itconsistsof2t eamsoft wo
ormor emember seach( Thoughyoucanpl ayitone
onone) .Onet eam wi l
lrunbackandf orthcount ing
i
nt hemul tipl
esof5( Orwhat ever)so,arunf orthis
5andt henbackmakesi t10.Whi l
erunni ngback
andf orth;theot herteam hasat ennisbal lsizedball
madeofpl asti
csandt heirgoalistoeliminat ethe
otherteam byhi tti
ngitsmember swi ththebal l
.The
minut et heballtouchesyou, you’r
eout .
Ifooledt hosef ools.Thet hreeoft hem wer einone
team andIwasr idingsol o.IhitMandl afirst
;hewas
toofastf ormyl i
king.ThenMzamo, hewast oo
slow…Mziwasabi tofachal lengebutt hebal l
touchedhi m at50.Nowi twast hei rtur
nt ochase
mewi t
ht hebal l,
Imadet hosef oolsr unupand
downl ikeheadl esschi ckens.Myt inybodywor ked
i
nmyadvant age.Iwasl it
erall
yj ustwal kingback
andf orthbecauset heywant edt obeboysand
throwthebal lt
oohar dsoi twoul dlandt oofar .
Longst or yshor t
…Iwon.Icount edupt o100t hree
ti
mes, theiyforfeitedi nthe4t hround.

“Buhle,youwi n…youwin.Wequi t,
”Mandl apanted
throwinghimsel fontheground.Theothertwof ool
s
satnexttohi mt ryi
ngtocatchthei
rbreath.Whi l
e
theywer etryi
ngt onotdi
e;Igatheredtheirmarbles
andal lt
heirtoys.

“
Boys,
nextt
imeyouwantt
obul
lymej
ustt
hink
aboutyourstupi
dtoysbecausemightyounever
seethem again,
”Isai
dwithmyarmsf ol
dedtomy
chest.

“
What
,”t
heyal
lcr
ied.

“Don’
thitme,orprankmeorscar emewi t
hdead
bir
ds.Treatmeli
keagi rl
.Don’
ttouchmy
doll
s…especi
all
ytheirhai
r,
”Ihummedmysel fi
nto
thehouse.Il
eftt
hem gaspingforairandconfused.
Theytol
donmet houghanddadsai d;

“Whenal adyspeaks, l
isten,
”Iwashappydadwas
onmysi deandf orthef ir
stti
met heboyswer eni ce
tome.Ikepttheirtoysf oraweekandt hebul lyi
ng
beganagain.Idi
dn’ tpanic,everymorningbef or
e
dadleft
;I’
dwakeupandsaygoodbyet ohi m, soI
crepti
ntothei
rroom andt ookthem again.Ikept
them f
oramont ht histi
mear ound.Si
ncet hen,
they’
verespect
edandobeyedmebecauset hey
knowwhatI ’
m capabl eof .
“
Sisi
,
”theycamei
noneaf
tert
heot
her
.

“
We’
vemadepeace,
”-
Mandl
a

“
Oh”
-Me

“Wewerewrongf
oratt
acki
nghi
m.I twasj
ustwr
ong,
andhe’
snotastr
anger
,he’
sBaby,
”-Mzamo

“Iforgavet
hem andt
heyf
orgavemet
oo…”
-
Likhakha

“Good,you’r
eallwashi ngthedishestonight
.Two
willwashandt wowi l
lrinseanddry,”t
hiswasj ust
formyownper sonalbenefit
.I’
m surePalesawi l
lbe
happyt oknowt hatshewon’ tbedoingthedishes
tonight
.Youcan’ tbeincontrolandnothavea
personalgain.
“
KodwaBuhl
e..
”-
Mzi

“Wemadepeace…IloveBaby,l
ook,”het
hrewhis
armsar
oundLikhakhaandembr acedhi
m.“Il
ove
youbr
a,”hesai
d.Likhakhat
ooktohuggingback.

“Jahbra,
”hesai
d.Youcouldtel
lthatLi
khakhawas
onlyhuggi
nghimtogetofft
hehook.

Il
eftt
hem whi
ningandcomplai
ningi
ntheki
tchen.
Andthatl
adi
es–i showyoudothat.

Aft
ersupper,t
heydi
dwasht hedishesther
eaf
ter
mybrother
swentoutsideforasmoke.Iwasinthe
l
ivi
ngroom rubbi
nghisback.Mybrothersr
eal
lyhad
agoathim.

“
Ouch!
”hecr
ied.
“
Sorr
y”Ithr
eat
edlight
eronhi
sback.“
Doyouknow
what
’sf
unnythough?”

“
What
?”

“Lastni
ghtyoudi
dn’
tcomplai
naboutpai
n,”Isai
d
ashesatupstrai
ght
,“I
’
m done,
”
“well,Imean…therewasnof orcompl ai
ntslast
night,”hesmoochedmeandIgl adl
ysmoochedhi m.
Hel ookedatmeandsmi l
ed.Lord!Whenwef i
rst
met ,Isometimeswant edtoslapthatsmil
eof fhis
facebecausehe’ dusei tt
ogetawaywi ththings.He
hasoneoft hecutestandmostgenui nesmi l
esever.
Hissmi l
eiscont
agious.Bewar ned.

“
Whyar
eyousmi
li
ng?
”Iasked

“
BecauseofwhatI
’
mlooki
ngat
,”t
hat
’sme,
he’
s
l
ooki
ngatmefol
ks.He’
ssmi l
ingbecausehei
s
l
ooki
ngatme.Pal
esawalkedinwhilewewere
ki
ssi
ng.

“So,whathappenedl
astni
ght
?”shet
hrewher
sel
f
onthecouch.

“
Letmej oi
ntheboysoutsi
de,
”heki
ssedmy
f
oreheadthenexcusedhi
mself
.

“
Not
hinghappenedl
astni
ght
…whatdoyoumean?
”

“Gi
rl
,you’vebeenwalkingar oundli
keyou’vej
ust
wonal ott
ery.Spi
llt
hejuicystuff…l
ikeIam soti
red
oft
ensionandnegat i
vity.Ineedsomet hi
ngtoboost
mysoul ,
”

“Boostyoursoul
?..
.Ihavenot
hingt
oofferthati
s
soulboosti
ng.Besi
des;Aladydoesn’
tkissand
tel
l…”Isai
dsmir
king.Shegasped.Thenscr
eamed
ont het
opofherl
ungs.

“
Nobuhl
e,”shecameandsatri
ghtnextt
ome.
“
moreli
kedoesn’tf
uckandt
ell
,tel
lmemore”

Theboyspushedt
hedoordownandscar
edus.

“
Whatt
hehel
l?
”Icr
ied.

“
What
’swr
ongwehear
dascr
eam?
”-Mzamo

IlookedatPalesa.She’st
heonewhoscreamedat
theknowl edgeofmeengagingi
nsexualrel
ati
ons
withLikhakha.Shelookedme…

“
What
’shappeni
ng?
”-Mzi
“
Nothinglove,
”shesaystryi
ngsohar
dtonotlaugh.
“
Wej ustsawabi gcockr
oachandyouknowthose
t
err
if
yme, ”-Pal
esa

“
Yeah…abi
gcockr
oach,
”Iadded

“
Cockroachhuh?
”gosh,
Mzamoandhi
spsychi
c
t
endencies

“Thankyouforchecki
ngonus…youmayl
eave
please,
”Isai
d.

Theylookedatuslikewewerecrazy.Weal so
l
ookedatt hem t
ryi
ngourhardestbesttonotlook
cr
azy.Ijustwanttolaughmylungsout .They
st
art
edwal ki
ngoutoneaft
ertheother.

“
So,
howwasi
t?”shesang.
“No!Iwil
lnotshar
ethatpar
t…”wear
eli
ter
all
y
cuddledupinonecouch.
“Nobuhl eMqokel
i,youhadar oyaldi
ckupyour
vagina,notal
lgir
lsarethatl
ucky,”Pal
esai
s
deli
rious.

“
Aroyaldi
ck?
!?!
?..
.gi
vemeabr
eakpl
ease,
”

“I
fyout hi
nkI’m bei
ngtooinqui
siti
vebli
nktwice
okay?”Iknowwhatshe’ sthi
nking.“
Wasi tnot
di
ffi
cultaft
er…youknow,”Ibli
nkedrepeatedl
yand
i
ntogotherf ace.Welaughedoutloud.

“Hmmm, i
twasmor ediff
icul
tforhimthanitwasf
or
me.Her eall
ydidn’
twanttomakemef eel
uncomfortabl
e.Butitwasgreat…Imeanwow.You
wil
lneverguesswhathesai dafter
?”

“Speakspeak,
whatdi
dhesay?”Pal
esa’
slevelof
curi
osit
yisthr
ought
heroof
.Shebaff
lesme.
“
Wellwhenhef
oundoutabout…youknowwhat
,he
t
oldmeIwassti
llcompl
etet
ohim,”

“
Awww”shemadebabyf
aces.

“So,
aft
erwedidt
hedeed,hesai
d,guesswhat
?
you’
renol
ongeravi
rgi
n,”

“Buhl
e,thepri
ncelovesyou.Ican’teven…heist
oo
cuteforme.Imean, whowouldgiveupal if
eof
l
uxurytocomeandst ayher
e.Hebaf fl
esme…”Yeah,
ther
e’salotofbaf
fli
nggoingont onight
.

Theboyst henwalkedinoneaf
tert
heother
,buta
fi
ft
hper sonwalkedinwit
hthem.Pal
esaandI
quickl
yfixedoursi
tti
ngposi
ti
ons.

“
Ladi
es,
thi
sisdet
ect
iveXaba.He’
sheadi
ngt
he
Rhadebecasenow…”Mzisai
dast
heywer
esi
tt
ing
down.

“Shoul
dweexcuseyou?”Pal
esaasked.Iwasn’
t
goingt
oaskt
hatquesti
on.

“
Nah,
stay,
stay”
-Mzi

“Iam detect
iveXaba, li
kehesai d.AndIapologi
ze
againforcomingi natt histi
me.Yourf atherwil
lbe
retur
ningtomor r
ow, they’rereleasi
nghim,”Idon’
t
wantt ogettooexcitedf orthisbutIcouldalr
eady
seemybr ot
hers’facesl i
ghtingup.

“
Onwhatgr
ounds,
ifImayaskdet
ect
ive?
”Isai
d.

“Hi
scasefil
edisappearedsocan’tholdhim
anymoreandbesidesthat,
wedidn’treal
lyhave
evi
dencepinni
nghimt othedeceased’smur der
,”
“
Howdoesaf
il
edi
sappear
?”-Me.

“Wesuspectyourf atherhasmol eswithinthe

depart
ment .Let’
sfacei t;yourfat
herisn’texactl
ya
l
aw-abidi
ngci t
izen.He’ snotsqueakycl ean…And
Nobuhle,withallt
hissoci almediasagahappeni ng
andpeoplesayi ngyouki ll
edhim, t
hepol iceare
l
ookingintoit,
they’r
el ookingintoyou.Wef ound
yourfi
ngerpr i
ntsont hedeceased’ sblazerbuttons
andchest…”

“
BecauseIwastr
yingt
ogethi
m of
fme.Hewas
t
ryi
ngtorapeme,
”

“Butonthemur derweaponwehaveyourf ather’

s
fi
ngerprints.Youbothhaveasol idandbelievable
mot i
vetoki l
lthi
sman, butsomethingdoesn’tadd
up,”ever
yonewassi l
ent.“
List
en,I’
m wit
hyou.I ’m
onyoursi de,Ineversai
dthisthough.Fornow, just
celebrateyourfather
’sretur
nhome.Dosomet hing
niceforhim, hehasn’tbeenabletokeephismouth
shutabouthi sluckycharm,”aft
erhavingapri
vate
discussionwi t
hMzi ,
Mzamo, Li
khakhaandMandla,
thedet ect
ivelef
t

Onceagai
n,I’
m happymyf at
heriscominghome
butsomet
hingfeel
swr ongaboutthi
sandit
s
weighi
ngonmeheavi l
y.

“
Whatar
ewecooki
ng?
”Pal
esaasked.

“
Whatdowedr
ink?
”-Mzamo.

“
Andazi
…whatwereyouthi
nki
ngPalesa?”Iasked.
“
Guys,I
’
m sor
ry…somethi
ngdoesn’
tfeelr
ightabout
t
his,
”

“
Dadi
scomi
nghome…ever
ythi
ngi
sri
ght
”-Mandl
a.
“Iknow,i
t’
sjust…Ihavethi
sfunnyfeel
ing.Al
lI’
m
sayingi
s;let
’snotgettooexci
tedunti
lheisi
nside
thi
shouse,”-
Me

“Can’
tyouj
ustbehappy…t
hat
’sal
lNobuhl
e,be
happy!
”-
Mandla

“
Fine,
”Isai
d.
[
01/
05,
13:
45] :ENTRY43

YOUCANNOTPOSSESSPEOPLE,
YOUCANONLY
EXPERI
ENCETHEM.
-
NIPSEYHUSSLE

I’
mf i
xingmyhai randLikhakhaisslowl
ylosing
patienceout si
de.We’ r
egoi ngtotowntogetaf ew
thi
ngsf ordad’shomecomi ng.Ihaveonbl ack
skinnyj eans,blackandwhi tevanzandLikhakha’
s
sweat
er,
Ideci
dedt
oletmybr
aidsdown.

“
Wecango,
”Isai
dst
eppi
ngout
side.

“Youlooknice,Il
ikeyoursweater,
”hesaid.Ibl
ew
him akiss.Idi
dtellhi
mt hatthi
ssweaterwas
stayi
ngbehi ndwhenhedeci destogobackhome.

“
Youl
ookbeaut
if
ulsi
s,
”Mandl
asai
d.

“Enkosibhutiwam,”(
Thankyoumybr other
,)
Mandla,pleasemakesurethatdad’
sroom iscl
ean
andputont hatgreybeddi
ngthatheli
kes.Iwashed
i
t,”

“Si
si,
”Mandlat
ookmyhand, “
cal
m down,
ever
ythi
ngisokay…bef
oret
hesunsetstodaydad
wil
lbehere,
”
Inodded.It hi
nkwhati smakingmemor enervous
i
st hef actthatIdon’tknowhowl i
f ewil
lbef rom
nowon.Al othaschangedandIhaveal otofr age
i
nme.Whati fIhatemydad?Whati fIdon’ttrust
him anymor e.IknowIlovehim andhewi l
lforever
bemydad, butIwasr apedandmur deredaman
becauseofhi m.Somet i
meswhenIhavet hese
episodes, Igetsoangr yatworl
dt he,Igetsoangr y
athim;whati fIhaveanepisodewi thhim around
andt henIl oseit.Li
ketheVuyoepi sode;mybl ood
wasboi l
ing,Ineededtohurtsomeone.Iwant edto
seebl oodcomi ngoutofsomeonebecauseofme.

“
Areyouokay?”Li
khakhaaskedl
ooki
ngatt
he
r
earvi
ewmirr
or.

“
I’
m okay,
justal
it
tl
ener
vous,
”

“Ever
ythi
ngisokay,your
elaxokay,
”hetookmy
handandkissedit
.Ismil
ed.Hetookhiseyesback
totheroad.
“Ij
ustf
eelalotofheavi
nessi
nmyhear
t,i
tswei
rd
andscary…”Isay.

“That’
snor mal .Yourf atherhasputyout hrougha
l
otandnowhe’ scomi ngbackhome, youhavet o
coexistwithhi m, i
t’
sal ottotakei n.ButImust
commandyouf ornotcompl etelycutti
nghim off
yourlif
e…that ’
swher et heheal ingbegins;i
tstart
s
byyouf or
givinghi m notforhi m orbecausehe
askedf orforgivenessorbecausehei syourf at
her,
butforyour self,youhearme, ”Inodded, “
Youar ea
verystrongl adyandIadmi r
et hat.Iadmireyou…”

“
Thankyou,
”thi
sti
meIt
ookhi
shandandki
ssedi
t.

“AndcanIjustsay,Ihaveneverseenyoui
n
j
eans…wow.Thatj eanjustout
li
nesallt
her
ight
places,
”hesayssmi r
king.
“
Ihavet
hisbl
ackdr
esswi
thasl
itt
hati
sjustso
high…i
thugsever
ypartofmeper
fectl
y,
”Iteased
him.Hetookaquickgl
anceatmethenbackatthe
road.

“
Doyouhavepi
ctur
esofyoui
nit
,”heasked.

“Yeahhol
don,”Iscr
oll
edthr
oughmyphoneand
showedhimthepict
ure.

“Youknowbabe, wecouldtakeaqui
ckli
tt
ledet
our
tothehot
el.Justtocheckonsomethi
ngsandfi
x
somethi
ngs,”hesaysrubbingmythi
gh,

“Boy,
youbet
terdr
ivethiscarst
rai
ghtt
othe
super
market
…”wel aughed.Hi
sphoneri
ngs.

“SHOMZI ,
”hegri
maced.Het
henpar
kedthecaron
thesideoft
heroad.“
UNGATHETHA,
”(youcan
speak)“OK,WEAREONTHEWAY”heendedt he
cal
l.

“
Whati
sit
?”Iasked,

“Ineedtomakeaqui
ckphonecal
l,
excuseme”he
steppedout
.

“
Isever
ythi
ngokay?
”Iasked.

“Jahbabe”there’
sachangei nhist
oneand
disposi
ti
on.He’snolongerinthat‘
I
’m hor nyl
et’sgo
toahotel’mood.Hedidn’tevenmaket hatquick
phonecall,i
fhedidt
henImusthavemi ssedit.He
cameback, star
tedt
hecaranddi daU- turn.

“Whyar
ewegoingback?
”Iasked.Cl
ear
ly
somet
hingi
snotr
ight
.
“
Mzisaysweshould,we’
l
lfi
ndoutwhenweget
t
her
e,”hesays.Hel
ooksangry.Di
dIcauset
his?

Whenwear r
ivedathome, hepar kedthecaroutsi
de
thegat e.Idi
dn’tevenquestiont hat.Inot
icedhow
whenIgotoutoft hecaraft
erheopenedt he
atmospher ewasj ustsoheavy.Ther ewasnoone
outside,butit
’sliketheheavinessIwasf eeli
ng
tri
pled.There’sjustsomethingwr ong?

“
List
en,Buhl
e,l
ookatme,
”het
ookmyhands,
he
l
ookssad.

“
Areyouokay?
”Iasked.

“
RememberhowIsai
dyou’r
everystr
ong,
”Inodded.
“
Nowyouneedtobestr
onger,
str
ongert
hanyou
wer
ebef
ore”
“
Likhakhawhatishappeni
ng?”Iasked.I
’
m st
art
ing
t
owor rynow.Myheartbeati
sloudenoughforme
t
ohearandf eel
.

“Pr
omi semeyouwi …”hewasdi st
urbedbythe
scream comingf
rom i
nsidethehouse.That
’s
Mandl a,
IknowbecauseIjustfel
tasharppain
passingthr
oughmychest .

“Mandl
a!!
!”Ipushedt
hegat
eopenasIr
ant
othe
house.

“Buhl
e,”Li
khakhai
srunni
ngaf
terme.Myhandsar
e
heati
ngup…

Ifoundt hem i
ndad’sroom standingoverMandl a
tryi
ngtohol dhim down.Pal
esai scar r
yingawet
towel,herenti
refaceisredandwet .Whyisshe
cryi
ng?Mandl a’scryissopainful
, youcantel
lthat
hisbreathingi
slabored,
“Whathappened? ”Iasked.Icamecl osertot hebed,
Iwant edtoseehi m.Hi snoseisbleeding.“Mandl a,
”
suddenlyIwascar ri
ed,whenIl ookedi twasMzi .I
thinkhenoticedhowIwasget t
ingal i
ttlel
ight
headed.Iwasst ar t
ingtolosemyvi sion.“Bhut i
,
utheniuMandl a?”Iaskedt r
yingtogat hermysel f
andmakesenseofmysur r
oundings.Isaw
Likhakhanextmet o,Mziisinfrontofmesi t
tingon
thetable.BehindMzi ,IsawVuyo’ smom.

“
Nobuhl
e,dadi
sgone?
”Mzisai
d.

“Gonewher
e?”Iasked,
“Di
dhecomebackal
ready?
Hewentout?”

“OhNkosi,
”(OhLor
d)Vuyo’
smom sai
dunderher
breat
he.

“
Hepassedawaysi
si,
”Iswearmyhear
tisnot
beat
ing.Il
ookedatMzi
,thenatLikhakha,
thenat
Vuyo’
smom.Whatar etheytel
li
ngme?

“Wait,”Isai
dandstood.Imademywayt otheback
ofthehouse.Icannotbr eat
henor mall
y.Icansti
ll
hearMandl a’sl
aboredbreathi
ngandwi thevery
scream hemakesIf eelashar ppainpassi
ng
throughmychest .Ifeel
weak.I nsi
demyhear tIam
prayingthatGodhelpsme, thathemaysendhel p
formeandmybr ot
hers.

“Lookatme,”Ihear
davoice.Ij
ustwanttoclosemy
eyesri
ghtnowandneveropent hem agai
n.“My
l
uckycharm, l
ookatme,
”onlyoneper soncal
lsme
that
.Il
ift
edupmyhead.

“Tata,
”(dad)helookedatmeandsmi l
ed.“
Tata,
”I
utter
ed,Ifeelweakandti
red.Mykneesfai
ledme,
buthecaughtmei nhi
sarms.Ifel
tataponmy
face…
“Nobuhle,
don’tyoudar edothat.Openyourfucki
ng
eyes…”everyt
hingsoundsf ai
nt.Ifel
tanot
hersharp
painpassi
ngt hroughmyeyes, that’
swhenIopened
myeyesandsawLi khakhahol
dingmei nhisarms
withVuyo’smom andMzikneel ingnexttome.

“Thethanizi
nyanyazam,
thethanimat
honga,
”I
heardVuyo’smom chant
ing.Theysatmeup
str
aight.

“Breat
hein,”Li
khakhai
nst
ructed,
Iobeyed.Wedid
thebreat
hingexerci
seunt
ilIcoul
dbreathenor
mall
y
again.

“
Wher
e’sMandl
a?”Iasked.

“
He’
sasl
eep.He’
sokay”Mzisai
d.Inodded.
“
We’llgi
veyousomespacet
ocalm down…”Vuyo’
s
mom saidandt
appedMziontheshoul
der,
Mzi
f
oll
owedher.Li
khakhat
ookmyhand.

“
Mandl
aneedsyou,
”Li
khakhasays.

“
Iknow,
”Ir
esponded.

“Rememberhei st hebabyi nthishouse, ”Hesai d.

I’
mi nal otofemot ionalpain,butI’m dry,Ihaveno
tearsleftt
ocr y.I’m angry.FolksI '
m sot ir
edof
hur t
ing,whenIt houghtt hatthingswer eatleast
falli
ngintoplace, hel ef
tus.Iam somadatt he
wor ldandever ythingout si
det hiswor l
d.I'
mf uri
ous,
Ijustwantt odi ebecausei tseemsl i
kemypur pose
i
nt hiswor l
di stocr yandhur toverandoverand
overandoveragai n.Whyme?I fanyonecoul d
explainwhybadt hingshappent omeal lt
het ime
thenmaybeI 'dfeel bett
erandj ustwai tforanot her
crisistohappen.OhGod!Mybr others.Theyandmy
fatherweret hickast hieves.They’vej ustlostabest
f
ri
end.

Wewentbacki
nsi
dethehousetoj
oint
heot
her
s.
Vuyo’
smom waspassi
ngaroundt
ea.

“
Nobuhl
e,
”shecal
ledme.Il
ookedather
…

“I
tseemedt hatwhenMandlawascr yi
nglouderyou
wereaffect
edaswel l
…”shesays.Vuyo’
smom i sa
sangoma.Somesayawi t
chdoctorsomesayI
tr
adit
ionaldoctor
…Idon’
tknow.

“I
t’
sbeenli
kethatsi
ncetheywer
eyoung.IfMandl
a
wasintr
oubleshewouldsomehowfeeli
t?”Mzi
spokef
orme.

“Notonlyt
hat,youknewsomethi
ngwrongwas
goingtohappen?Youhavedreamsaboutt
hings
beforet
heyhappen?”shesays.
“Idi
dn’
tknowthi
swasgoingtohappen,
Ijustf
elt
heavi
nessinmyhear
t,
”Isai
d.

“Whenyouf indtime,comeandseemei nmy

rondavel
,”shesays.No!Iam notdoingthat…she
doesthewhol esangomat hingandfranklythat
scaresme.Ij ustnoddedsoshecoulddr opthe
topi
c.“Don’ttakeyourdreamsli
ghtl
y,youhavea
verypowerfulgift
.Youareaspecialchil
d.”Inodded
again.

LaterthatdayPalesacal l
edherpast orandaf ew
otherchur chmember s.Theypr ayedanddi dwhat
churchgoer sdowhensomeonedi ed.Mandl ai ssti
ll
l
ockedupi ntheroom, hedoesn' twantt ocomeout ,
hedoesn' twanttotalkoreatbutwant stobel eft
al
one.Wel lheonl
ytalkstoMzi .Iaskedt ot alkto
him hesai dhedoesn'twannat alk.ThisisMzamo
al
loveragai nwhenmom di ed.Wet houghthewas
goingtodi easwell,hewasn'teat i
ngort alking.He
j
ustneededtost opbr
eat
hingf
orustodeclar
ehi
m
dead.Losi
ngmom wast hemosttr
agi
cthingtof
ir
st
occurinourl
ives.

Palesa'smom andsi sterareher e.They' vebeen

cleaningandwal kingar oundlooki ngbusy.Mzi i
s
outsidemaki ngcal l
s,he'sborrowi ngmoneyf r
om
peopl eforthefuneral.Mzamoi sher ewi t
hmei nthe
sitt
ingroom.Pal esai sinthekitchencooki ng,I
doubtanyonewi lleat.Ikeeplooki ngatmyphone
cont emplati
ngwhet herIshoul dt ellmysoci al
medi afriendsorjustpr et
endever ythingisfine.
"Talktot hem,”Li
khakhasays.We' real lsi
tti
ngon
separ at
ecouches.Ipost edapi ctureofMandl aand
i
nt hemor ni
ngsot hey'resti
llt
al kingabout
that…shar i
ngandcomment i
ngonhowcut emy
brotheris.

HEYGUYS,IJUSTFOUNDOUTMYFATHER
PASSEDAWAY.HEWASSUPPOSEDTOBE
COMINGBACKHOMETODAY,Ipost
ed.Af
tera
minuteorsomessagesst artedfl
oodingin,my
phonewasbeepi ngnon-
st op.Iwon’tl
ookatwhat
they’
resayi
ngnow.They’lljustbefeel
ingsorr
yfor
meandIdon’ tneedthat
.Iwasj usttel
li
ngthem
becausethey’
vebeenpartofmysuppor tsyst
em i
n
away.

“If
oundaguywhoi swil
li
ngtogiveusmoney,
”Mzi
saystaki
ngaseatnextt
oLikhakha.

“
No.
”Isai
dsof
tl
y.

“
Didyousaysomet
hingBuhl
e,
”-Mzi
.

“
Wecan’
tbebor
rowi
ngmoney,
”-Me

“
Reasonbei
ng?
”-Mzamo
“
Wearei
nthi
smessbecausedadbor
rowedmoney
f
oraf
uner
al,
”-
Me

“Howarewesupposedt
obur
ryhi
mthen?
”Mzi
asked.

“You’
l
ldi
gawhol enexttomom,I
’
m sur
ewecan
aff
ordacheapcasket
,”Isai
d.

“
Whataboutcater
ing,
decor
ati
on…awhol
elot
mor
e?”Mzisays.

“Andyourdaddeser
vesadi
gni
fi
edsend-
off
,”
Likhakhaadds.

“Dadisn’
taf ancyper son.Justgetasimpleand
cheapcasket ,
Palesawi l
lpray.I
nfact
;wedon’t
evenneedtot ellpeoplethedat eoft
hefuner
al.Let
’s
j
ustkeepitintimate,”Ijusti
fiedmypoint
s.
“I
’m wit
hNobuhl
e,butwecanatl
easthavemy
pastorover
.Hewon’tmi
nd…”Pal
esabackedme.

“Thankyouforyoursuggestionsbutattheendof
theday;ast
heol dest,Imakethefi
naldecisi
onsin
thi
shouseandt hatisdefi
nit
elynothowwear e
goingtobur
yourf ather”Mzisai
d.

“Dowhatyouwantt odoMzibutj ustknowthati

f
anothermant ri
estor apebecauseyoucannotpay
him back;Iwil
lslaughterhimli
keIdidRhadebe
thenleaveallofyouher e,
”Isai
d.

“Thi
sisnotaboutyou,
”fi
nal
lyhecameout.Hetook
aseat.“
Whydoyoual wayshavetobesoself
ish?
”
heaskedlooki
ngatme.

“
Me?
”
“Yes,t
hisi
snotaboutyou, i
tsaboutdad…sostop
makingeverythingaboutyou.Wewi l
lgivehi
ma
properanddignifi
edfuneral
.Wewi l
linvi
teal
lofhi
s
fri
endsandnei ghbor
s.”

“Myprobl
em i
swithborr
owingmoney.What
happenswhenwecan’tpayitbackandsadl
yfor
meMandla,Iknowtheconsequencesofbei
ng
unabl
etopaysomeoneback,”Isaid

“Hereyougoagainmakingeveryt
hingaboutyou.
You!You!You!Youdoknowt hati
t’
syourfaultthat
dadisn’
there?
”hesays.Hist
oryisli
ter
all
yont he
tur
ntabl
es.

“
Whatar
eyout
alki
ngaboutMandl
a?”Iasked,

“Guys,
wecan’
taffor
dtofi
ghtoneanotherr
ight
,the
devi
lwant
sthatandyouareser
vingi
ttohim ona
si
lverpl
att
er.St
opi
t!
”Pal
esasai
d.

“NahsisPalesa,i
fshehadjustbeenhappyand
posi
tive,dadwouldhavebeenhere;someoneneeds
tosay,”hesays.

“Mandla,j
usttakei
teasybr
o,cuthersomesl
ack,
”
Likhakhadef
endedme.

“
Baby,
notnow,
”-Mandl
a

“Lethimtalk,
”-Me.I’
dratherhavehi
mt al
knowt han
havehi m hat
ingmelaterontheyears.AndIknow
he’sjusthurt
ing.Heneedssomeonet oblame.

“Buhl
e,youdon’
tevenhavet
oli
stentohim,
”Palesa
thr
ewherarm aroundmyshoul
ders.Act
ual
ly,
Ido
needtohearthi
s.
“Youwereraped,sowhat?Ithappensever y
day…getoverit
.Thewor l
ddoesn’ tr
evol
vearound
youjustbecauseofthati
ncidentNobuhle.Youwere
abletoopenyourlegsforLikhakhanowsuddenly
i
t’l
lbeprobl
em wheni t
’sti
met opayupadebt …fuck
thatshi
t”
-Mandla

Mzigrabbedhisneckandpul
ledhi
m up,
het
hen
pushedhim agai
nstt
hewall
.

“Sayonemor ewordboy,pl
ease…IpromiseyouI
willbreakyou.Sayonemorewor dtoheryou
cowar d.”Mzi
’seyesar
eteari
ng.Icouldtellthathe
didn’twanttodowhathewasdoi ngtoMandl abut
heal sodidn’
twanttogi
vehimr oom todisrespect
me.

“Don’tbotherbafo,”heut
tered.Speakingwasn’ t
easywi t
hMzi ’
shandar oundhi sthroat.They’
reall
standingbutPal esaandI,noonei swilli
ngtostop
Mzi,Ifeeleveryonewantst ohavejust2mi nutes
wit
hMandl aintheroom.“HandmeovertoNobuhle,
l
etherslaughtermeli
keshedidRhadebe…”Mzi
punchedhim andhestart
edbleedi
ngimmediat
ely.
Hereleasedhishandfr
om hisneck.

“
Mziundibet
hel
anibra?
”(Mzi,whyar
eyouhi t
ti
ng
me?)Mzithr
ewanotherpunchathi
m.Likhakha
wentt
ostandbetweenhim andMandl
awhi l
e
Mzamo.

“Thati
syouroldersi
steryoubastar
d!Haveyou
everheardmeorMzamot al
kingtoherl
iket
hat
?
Andyoucallyoursel
fafuckingman,youhavealot
ofgrowinguptodoyoucowar d,
“Mzisaidt
hen
cli
ckedhist
ongue.

“That’
senoughnow, ”Likhakhasaid.Hetur
ned
aroundt ofaceMandla.“Standupstrai
ghtboy!
”he
shouted.“Nextti
meIwon’ tst
opyourbigbrot
her
from breaki
ngyourjaws, Iwil
lhel
phim,”he
subtractedhimsel
ffrom theequati
on.HetookMzi
wi
thhi
m.

Afterthewholedebacle,Idecidedt
or el
axindad’
s
room.Ihaven’tcr
iedsinceIf oundoutabouthi
s
passing.Mandlasaidallthosehurt
fulthi
ngsbutI
sti
lldi
dn’tcr
y.Myf eel
ingswer ehurtbutIcoul
dn’
t
cry.

Thecl ockonthewal lsaysit’

s1inthemorning.I
haven’tsleptawi nk.Myheadi spoundi
ngtot he
ti
ckingandt ockingoft heclockont hewal
l.Ican
sti
llhearthatthey’reallup.ThedooropenedandI
shutmyeyes.

“Iknowyou’
renotasl
eep,
”hesatont
hebed.I
openedmyeyesandlookedathi
m.Hecamedown
andkissedme.

“
Areyouokay?
”Iasked.Hesmi
led.
“
Ihavet
ogobackhome,
”hesays.

“
Isever
ythi
ngokay,
”

“Dad’
snotokay…mom needsmeandIneedt obe
onthethronetomorrowmor ni
ngandtakeoverf
rom
himtempor ar
il
y.Justunt
ilheseest
hedoctorwhen
thesunisout,”

“Wait
!Areyouleavi
ngnow? ”Isatupstr
aight.He
nodded.“
Ok,butcan’toneoftheuncl
essitthere,
”

Ishookhi
shead,
“I’
m al
ive,
aroundandofage…”he
says.

“I’
m sorr
yaboutyourdad.He’sgoingtobeokay,
”I
saidandhuggedhim.hel ookedatmeandsmi l
ed.
“ki
ssme, ”hecameincloserandkissedme
passionatel
y.
Theyallsaidthei
rgoodbyet ohim.Mandlacamet o
hugandLi khakhasaidsomet hi
ngtohi
m whilethey
werehuggingeachot her.I
tMandlaalit
tl
e
emoti
onalIcoul dseeinhiseyes.Iwal
kedhim out,
hethr
ewhi sbagi nt
ot hebackseat
.

“Ever
ythingwil
lbeokay,you’
llsee,”hesays
wrappinghisarmsaroundmywai st“YouandIwil
l
getmar r
iedandhavekids…everythingwil
loneday
makesense,”Ichuckl
ed.

“
We’l
lcal
lever
yday,r
ight
?Bef
orewesl
eepand
whenwewakeup?”Isay.

“
Nobuhl
e,I
’
m notgoi
ngtoEngl
and.Youcanl
it
eral
ly
wal
ktomyhouse…”hesaysl
aughi
ng.

“
Ohj
ah!
”
“Youcancomeoveranyti
me.Ihavepeanutbut
ter
…”
hesays.Hethenhuggedmepickedmeupaswe
l
aughedineachother
’sar
ms.

“
Tel
lmewhenyougethome,
”Isai
d.

“
I’
llmar
ryyouokay?
”

“
Baby,
youarenotgoingtoEngland.Icanl
it
eral
ly
wal
kyourhouse,
”Ii
mi t
atedhi
m.

Iwat chedhi scardisappearintothedarkness.Igot

usedt ohavi nghim around,thisi
stoomuch.If eel
l
ikeI ’
ml osinghimt ooli
keIlostdad.Iforgotthathe
hasar eall
ife…thathe’
sapr inceandnotj ustan
ordinaryguy.Andhehaspr i
ncelyduti
est oattend
to.Iwenti ntomyr oom andf oundMandl aasleep,
I’
m notsl eepingwithhim,I’
llcrashwit
hMzamo.
[
01/
05,
13:
45] : ENTRY44

EVERYNI
GHTHERTHOUGHTSWEI GHEDHEAVI
LY
ONHERSOULBUTEVERYMORNI NGSHEWOULD
GETUPTOFI GHTANOTHERDAY,
EVERYNI
GHT
SHESURVIVED.
:r
.h.si
n

Iwoket hismor ningandcl eaneddad’ sr oom,

thoughi twasbasi call
ysqueakycl ean.If oundt hat
brownj erseyhesai dIshoul dtake, Ididn’ttakeit
though, I
’l
ljustkeepcomi ngt osteali t
.Justf ormy
ownsani t
y.Neighbor shavebeencomi nginandout
prayi
ngandencour agingust ostayst rong.Vuyo’ s
mom camear oundt oclean, shebr oughtsome
sconesandst eamedbr ead.She’ sver ysweet ,Ij
ust
remember edthatInevert oldherwhatVuyodi dthat
nightandIt hinkit’
sbestIdon’ t,
Vuyohasbot hered
herenough.Oner adi
ost ationpassedt heir
condolences.Mysoci al medi aisfloodi ngwi th
messagesofencour agement .Sincemyt wo
secondsoffame;mybrother
shaveal
sobeena
l
itt
lesoughtaf
teront
heinter
net
.Youknowgir
ls.

Likhakhaal socall
ed,hesayssof arsogood.Hi s
uncl eisguidinghi
mt hrought hi
sday.Hesayshe
actuallydoesn’tneedguidancebuti t’sthelaw…it’
s
thef i
rstti
mehe’ shadtot akeoverfrom hisfather
andhe’ snotasner vousasheshoul dbe.Acar
hoot edoutside,pl
easetellmei t
’sLikhakha, Iwent
out si
detocheck.Nop, Idon’tknowt hisguy.Heisin
ar edandbl acksuitandbehi ndhim ar etwoguysi n
blacksuitsandsungl asses.Whatt heact ualhell
?

“
Bhuti
,”Ical
led.Hedi
dn’
trespond.Pal
esaappear
ed
f
rom t
hekitchen.

“
Andt
hen?
”shewhi
sper
ed.

“
Ihavenoi
dea,
”It
ookt
owhi
sper
ing.
“Theboysar
enoti
n,”shesai
d.“
Areyouscar
ed?
BecauseIam”

“
Ithi
nkso,
”Isai
d.

Thetwomeni nblacksuitsstar
tedwal kingaround
theyardwhi l
etheoneint heredsuitwasbusyon
thephone.Itseemslikethey’r
elookingf or
something.Theycamet ot hedoor.Oneoft heguys
pushedPal esaasi
deinat tempttogoint othehouse,
butthatwasr udeofhim andIwasn’ twilli
ngto
tol
eratei
t.Ijumpedoverandst oodinf rontofhim.

“Excuseme,t
hatwasr ude…youcan’
tjustwalki
nto
ouryardandstar
tpushingusaround,
”Isaid
confi
dentl
yso,hetookoffthegl
assesandshoved
them i
nthepocket.

“
Buhl
e,shutup”Pal
esahel
dmyhand.
“NoPalesa,heneedstoapol
ogize.Bl
oodymen!”I
sai
dlookingathim st
rai
ghti
ntheeyes.Iwasn’
t
aboutt
of l
inch

“
Move,
”hesai
d.

“
No!
”Isai
dst
ernl
y

“
Ok,
”hecar
ri
edmeandt
ookmewi
thhi
minsi
de,

“Putmedown!Howdar eyouevent ouchme?Do

youwhomybr othersare?Wai tuntilt
heygethere,
youwillr
egreteverputti
ngont hatsui t
,”hethr
ew
meont hecouch.Hest artedlookingar oundagai
n,
whatthehellaretheylookingfor?ButIkept
fol
lowi
nghimt oever yroom.Hepr essedabutton
onhiswatch,thenbroughti tt
ohismout h.

“
It
scl
ear
,”hesai
dthenpr
essedi
tagai
n.
Pal
esacameinfol
lowedbyt
her
edsui
tguyandt
he
ot
herbl
acksui
tguy.

“
MayIsit?
”theredsuitguyasked.Hehasaver
y
t
hincol
ouredaccent
.

“
Teachyourf
ri
endssomemanner
s,”Isai
d.

“Nobuhle!
”Palesasai
dagain.Youknow–f ora
bel
iever–Palesaisveryf
earfulandpani
cky.

“Wel
laren’
tyoubrave,
”sai
dther
edsuitt
aki
nga
seat
.“Youremindmeofyourfat
her
,”

Clear
lyt
hismandoesn’tknowmyf ather
,Mduduzi
JosephMqokel
iwasn’tbrave.Atal
l.
“
Youknowmyf
ather
?”Iasked.

“Ineedtospeaktoanelder
,Mziwamandl
ain
parti
cul
ar…”helooksathi
swatch

“
Heisnotar
ound.I
t’
sjustus…whatdoyouwant
?
We’
l
lpassonthemessage.”

Hesi ghed.“Doyouhavebr andy…orwhi skey?”he

asked.Iwon’ tanswerhim,Iwon’t
.notonl ybecause
wedon’ thavebutalsobecauseIdon’ tknowt he
dif
ferencebet weenbrandyandwhi skey.My
brothersdrinkbeerandsmokepot .“Ok,Iam sorry
forthisinvasionandforscar
ingyoul adies.Iam
PeterGaba, that’
sMr.Gabaforyou.Thesear emy
fri
ends,BobbyandMi dni
ght,
”

Midnightisver
ydark.Hei
stherudeandmeanone
thatcarr
iedmeandpushedPalesa.“
Now, please
callMziwamandlaandtel
lhi
m‘Snow’ishere,”Gaba
says.I
’
m notcal
li
nghi
m Mr
.Gaba.

“
Who’
sSnow?
”

“
That
’smedear
…nowt
hatphonecal
lcupcake,
”

“
Yourfri
endDar
kni
ghtneedst
oapol
ogi
zef
ir
st,
”I
i
nsi
sted.

“
Midnight
,”Mi
dnighthi
msel
fcor
rect
edme.Gaba
l
ookedathim.“
Iapologi
zel
adi
es,
”

“Weforgiveyousir
,”Pal
esasmi
ledandsai
d.
Bet
rayer!Judas!
Bef
oreIcoul
devensayanyt
hingel
set
heboys
wal
kedin.

“
Snow,
”Mzisang.“
Youknowyouar
eful
lofshi
t,
”
“Mziwamandla,
”heal
sosang.“Spi
tt
ingi
mageof
yourfat
her
,”nowhereal
lyknowsmyf at
her
.

“
Areyouguysokay?
”Mandl
aasked.

“Don’twor
ryYoungMqokel
i,wewerejustget
ti
ngt
o
knowoneanother,
”hesmil
edandlookedatme,
“weren’
twecupcake?
”

“Hernamei sNobuhle,Mandl
apleasetaket
hem do
theroom,”Mzamosai d.Pal
esaandIfoll
owed
behindMandla,bef
orehecouldshutthedoor
completel
yMzamost uckhi
sheadinsi
deandsaid,
“Openyoureyesandear sMandla,
”hewasout.
“
Whoi
sthat
?”Pal
esaasked.

“Someoneyoudon’
tneedtoworr
yyour
sel
fabout
,”
hesai
dlooki
ngoutthewindow.
Aft
eranhourorso,Igott
iredofbei
ngi
nthi
sroom.
Besi
des;Ijustwant
edtoknowwhatwashappeni
ng
behi
ndthisdoor.

“
Ineedt
hel
oo,
”Isai
d.

“Hol
dit
,I’
m sur
ethey’
l
lbedonei
nnot
ime,
”Mandl
a
sai
d.

“
It
’sbeenoveranhour
,”Ipr
otest
ed.

Hegavei n,andallowedmeout .Andyes;you

guessedi t,
hef oll
owedmet othel oo,Ilookedat
him.“Iwillwaitout side,
”Icanheari nhi st
onethat
hedoesn’ twantt ot alktome.He’ sst i
llangryf
rom
yesterday.Frankly,It hi
nkIshouldbemadathi m,
hesai dsomepr ett
ymeanandcr uelt hingstome.
whenIcameoutoft helooourvisitorswer edr
ivi
ng
off.Thankheavens.Iqui ckl
ywashedmyhands
t
henj
oinedt
hem i
nsi
de.

“
Whowast
hat
?”Iasked.

“Someoneyoudon’
tneedt
owor
ryyour
sel
f
about
,”
answeredMzamo.

Laterthateveni
ngaftersuperwewerecal
ledf
or
meet i
ng;Palesaincl
uded.Abigbl
ackbagwason
topoft hetabl
e.
“I
’m sureyou’
rebothwonderi
ngwhat’
sinthe
bag,
” Mzisai
d.‘
both’i
sPalesaandIbecauset
hey
al
readyknowever yt
hing.

“
Whati
sit
?”Iasked.

“
2met
er,
”Mzisays.
“
Ofwhat
?”Pal
esaandIsai
dsi
mul
taneousl
y.

“
It
’s2mi
ll
ion,
”her
oll
edhi
seyes.

“
That
’sal
otofmoney,
”Iwhi
sper
ed.

“
It
sjust2mi
ll
ionBuhl
e,
”sai
dMandl
a.Oh!I
’
m sor
ry.

“
Isi
tfr
om t
hatmanIshoul
dn’
twor
rymysel
fabout
?”

“
Yes,
we’
l
lspl
iti
t4ways,
”-
Mzi

“
It
’sdef
ini
tel
ydi
rt
ymoney.Idon’
twanti
t…”
-Me

“
Thereshegoest
hinki
ngt
hewor
stofever
ythi
ng,
”-
Mandla
“
Notnow,”Iwavedmypalminhisdirect
ionto
i
ndi
catethatheshoul
dtal
ktothehand.“Whoist
his
man?Whatdoeshewantust odowiththis
money?”

“Buryourf
atherf
orstar
ter
s,getyoust
artedat
schoolandthengetour
sel
vesonownf eet,
”-
Mzi

“
ButLi
khakhai
staki
ngcar
eofschool
,
”-Me

“
I’
llt
ellhi
m wegotit
.Looksi
s,canyout
rustme,
just
t
hisonceplease,
”

“Nobuhle,j
usttakethef
ucki
ngmoneyandgot o
yourstupidschoolandl
eaveusher
e,”Mandl
asaid
nonchalantl
y.

“
Igetthatyouar
emadatmef orverystupi
d
r
easons;butbel
ievei
tornotIam actual
lyl
ooki
ng
outf
orusher
e…”Iwasn’
tevenl
ooki
ngathi
m when
Isai
dthat
.

“Bul
lshitsis!You’r
ejustworr
iedthatSnowmightbe
anotherRhadebe…weact ual
l
yhaveachanceher e.
Ourlivescanchangei ncredi
blywit
hjustt
his
2met er.Canyoust opbei
ngsosel f
ishandthi
nk
aboutus? ”hef i
redback.

“Voest
ekMandlabr
a,whatt
heisyourfucki
ng
probl
em?Justdeal
wit
hyourdemonsandl eaveher
thehel
lal
one”Mzamofir
edhisshotathi
m.

“Okay,
Iwil
lexcusemysel
fbecauseclear
lyMandla
i
snotreadytobeamanandmat ur
eupandIcan’ t
haveaproperdi
scussi
onwit
hhiml i
kethis,
”Ist
ood,

“Buti
t’
sthetrut
hsiswam andyou…”ther
ewas
sil
enceaft
erPalesa’
shandhi
tacrossMandl
a’sf
ace.
“Whatthefu…”
“ShutMandl awethu! ”wewer eal ljustshocked.
Whatt hehelljusthappened?Wher edidt hatcome
from?“ Mandlayout al
kt oomuchandyouar eso
disr
espectful.Idonotappr eci ateyourat t
it
udeand
behavior.Doyout hinkGodi spl easedwi t
hhow
you’vebeent reat
ingyoursi sterl atel
y?Doyout hi
nk
you’l
lmakei ttoheavenwi t
ht hatr ottenmout hof
yours?”Preachsi sterP, Preach.“ Haveyouever
beenr aped?No, soshutt hef uckup, ”shecovered
hermout hafterrealizi
nghowf oulherl anguagewas,
“SorryJesus,”shewhi spered.“ Buhl e,pleasespeak”

I’
m evenscaredtospeaknow.ButIneedt
osay
something,
Palesais…wow.

“
Ithi
nkI
’m pr
ett
yclearwhereIstandasf
arast
he
moneyi
sconcerned,so…”Ishr
ugged.

“
Buhl
e,l
ookatme”sai
dMzamo,
obeyed.“
Wewi
ll
takethismoneyandst ar
tabusinesswhilewit
h
someofi t,
wepayf oryourf
ees.Gabawi l
lnever
wantt hi
smoneyback–buti fhedoes–I ’
m sureby
thenwewoul dhavemadeenoughmoneyt opay
him backwithoutasi
nglesweatfrom anyofus,”

“
Howsur
ear
eyouaboutt
hat
?”Iasked.

“
Youjustneedtotr
ustushere…wecan’
tdoi
t
wit
houtyourgoaheadsi
s”-
Mzamo

“
Hewouldneverhur
tyou,
IknowSnow,
trustme
whenIsayt
hat.He’
sdad’
sfr
iend”

Fri
daymor ning.WhenIwokeupt hi
smor ni
ng,Ihad
for
gott
enthatt atahadpassed.WhenIremember ed
myheartfelltothepitofmystomach.IthoughtI
wasgoingt ocrybutnop.Thef uner
ali
stomorrow
sotheboysar eoutgetti
ngwhat ’
sneeded.
“Tellme,whattookoveryoul
astnight?Imeanyou
justsur
prisedusall
,
”Iasked.I
’m wit
hPalesaint
he
kit
chenshe’ smaki
ngsteamedbreadandI ,
amagwi nya.

“Mandl
athinkshe’sallgr
ownupnowj ustbecause
heisst
art
ingt ogetsomest r
eetcred.Andallthese
fl
oozi
esaren’tmakinghim anylessarrogant
,Ihad
hadenough,”shesays.

“Youhel
pedmet
hough,
Idi
dn’
tthi
nkyouhadi
tin
you,
”

“WhenIsawyoust andi
ngupt othatGoodnightguy
Iwasimpressed,
IthoughtIshouldtr
yitout
”

“
Hisnamei
sDar
kni
ghtPal
esa,
”Isay.

“
I’
m pr
ett
ysur
eit
’sGoodni
ght
,rememberSnow
cor
rect
edyouaf
teryousai
dDar
kni
ght
,”

“
Ohj
ah!
”

“
Nono…wearewr ong,
itsMiddleoft
heni
ght
,”we
t
henl
ookedateachother.Ithi
nkwe’
vej
ust
r
ememberedhi
snameatt hesameti
me,

“
Midni
ght
,”webot
hsai
dthenl
aughed.

“knockknock,
”Baxol
elewasstandi
ngbyt
he
kit
chendoor.“
Iletmysel
fin,
I’
m sor
ry,
”

“Comeinplease,
”Isai
d.Ever
yti
meIseehim my
heartj
umpsbecauseIkil
ledhi
sfat
herandheist
he
spit
ti
ngimageofhim.
“Andi
hlel
anga,
”(Iwon’
tbeherelong)hesays.“Ijust
wantedtoseeifyouareokayyouknow…andl etyou
knowthatI’
m herei
fyouneedanything,
”
“
That
’sver
ysweetofyou,
I’
m hangi
ngi
nther
e…”

“
That
’sgood,
”

“
YeahI
’
mjustexhaust
ed…wi
thal
lthewor
k,”

“Li
keIsaid;I’
m her
eifyouneedme…eveni fyou
needhelpinthekit
chen,I
’m her
e.Iwi
llbehere
tomor
row.I ft
hat’
sokaywithyou?”

“
I’
dlovef
oryout
ome,
”

“al
ri
ght
.Iwillseeyoutomorr
ow.Takecare
now…sist
era,”(
Sist
er)hesal
utedPal
esa.Hesaw
himsel
fout.

Atni
ght
,someofPal
esa’
schur
chmember
scame
overforpr ayer.Everyfewmi nut esanewper son
walksin.Idon’ tevenknowsomeoft hesepeopl e.
It’
s00:30nowandIhavenoi deawhent heywi l
l
fi
nishbutIknowI ’
m notspendi nganothermi nute
here.Somewomenhavest artedcooki
ngi nthe
kit
chen, Ihelpedear l
ierwithchopping.NowI ’mjust
ti
red,Ifeelsoweak.Ist eppedout si
deandsaton
thestoop.Mandl aappear edfrom thecornerofthe
housewi t
hsmokecomi ngoutofhi smout h.

“Ekse,
”(Hey)It ookaquickglanceathim ashe
madehi mselfcomf ort
ablenexttome.“These
prayersarejustannoying,ar
en’tt
hey?”Itook
anotherlookathi m.“
I’
m sorry”hefi
nall
ysays
what’sbeent r
ippingonthetipofhistongue.

“Notnow,
I’
mjustti
red.Ican’
tli
stent
oyour
ight
nowandIhaveeveryri
ghttobemadatyou,
”Isaid.

“IknowI’
vebeeni
nsensi
ti
vefort
hepastfewdays
andunfai
rtoyouandBaby…basi
cal
lyeveryone.But
theni
ghthelef
thetol
dmetogetmyactt
oget
her,
andthathewasn’
tmadatme,
”hemumbledon.

“l
et’
sgobacki nside,thesepeoplearehereforus,”
hefollowedmei nside.Aroundthreetheprayerhad
ended.Somewentandonl yafewwomenar el ef
t
cooking.Palesahasbeenr eal
lyhandson, I
appreciat
eher .Afteral
lIam 19andIdi djustlose
myf atherhere.Thef ourofusar einthel
ounge
watchingpeopl emovi ngfreel
yar oundourhouse.

“
Areyouokay?
”Mzi
asked.

“I
’mjustr
eal
lyt
ir
ed,Imi
ghtneedanener
gydr
inkt
o
gett
hrought
herestoft
hisday,
”

“Goi
ndad’sroom.Youhaven’
tsl
epti
nawhi
leIcan
seei
tinyoureyes,
”-
Mzi
“Weneedyouupandawakewhenever
ythi
ng
star
ts,
”-
Mzamo

“
Ok,
I’
llbet
her
ethen,
”
[
01/
05,
13:
46] : ENTRY45

DEATHI
SNOTTHEOPPOSI
TEOFLI
FE,
BUTA
PARTOFIT.
:
Har
ukiMur
akami

“Nobuhle,
wakemybaby,i
t’
sti
metobath,
”Iopened
myeyesandf oundawomanIdonotr
ecognize
standi
ngoverme.
“
Whatt
imei
sit
?”Iasked.

“Ei
ghto’cl
ock.Li
sten;mybaby,”okayfi
rst
ly,
whoi s
she?Andsecondly,Iam notherbaby.“
Youar ethe
womani nthishousenow.Youneedt oholdthis
housetogether
…youneedt obestrongandbea
grownwoman”Iappr
eci
atet
hepeptal
kbutI
becameagrownwomanataround13.
Again,
whot hehellisthiswoman?Ineedast r
ong
cupofcoffeebutheadi sallovertheplace.Ineed
drugs,
anythingthatwillnumbt hisheavi
ness.Ifeel
l
ikevomit
ing, Ij
ustwishIcould, maybeI’l
lfeel
bett
er.

I’
vebat hed.I’
m wear i
ngabl acklongsleevet i
ght
fi
tti
ngdr ess.Likhakhasentitoverwi t
hadr i
ver.
WhenIaskedhi m howheknewmysi zehesai dhe
fi
gureitoutt hatnightatthehotel.Healsoboughta
navypai rofopent oehill
s,earr
ings,acutel i
tt
le
necklacemat chingtheear r
ingsandper fume.Iam
wearingever ythi
ngheboughtf ormebutt heshoes,
i
t’snott i
meyet .I’
m sti
llwait
ingindad’sr oom,I
don’tknowf orwhatbutI ’mjustwai t
ing.

“Awusemhl
e,
”(Youlooksobeaut
if
ul,
)Vuyo’
smom
cri
edwhenshewalkedin.
“
Thankyouma,
”Isai
d.

“Wheredidyoubuyt hedr
ess?i
tlooksver
y
expensi
ve,”shesays.

“
I…”Idon’
tknowi
fIshoul
dtel
lhert
het
rut
h…

“Theprinceboughtitforyoudidn’
the?”shesays
andsmi les.Shethenstaredf
ixi
ngmyhai r.She
sprayedit.Idon’
tknowwhatt osaytoheraboutt he
pri
nce,butIcanseeheri nthemi r
ror
,shesmi l
ing.

“
Yes,
hedi
d,”l
etmei
ndul
ge.

“
He’
sbeenar
oundher
eal
ot,
”shesays.

“
Yeshehas…”Isaysmil
ing.Wemadeeyecont
act
i
nthemi
rrorbutIqui
ckl
ypeeledmyawayf
rom her
.
“Lookatyou, “shesayspl ayingwithmybraids.
“Enjoyt hi
s,what everyouyoungst erscal
lwhatyou
aredoi ng.You’veal waysbeenacagedl i
tt
legir
l,a
goodl it
tlegi
rltoo…you’ r
egr owingupintoan
unbelievablystrongwoman.Youar edoingverywell
,
don’tbehar donyour sel
f…”

“
Thankyouma,
Iwi
llt
ry”Isay

“
Andt
akei
teasyont
hatboy.He’
str
ying…”

“
He’
sapr
ince,
”

“Mydaughter,
attheendofthedayhe’saman…”I
wishitwasaseasyasitsounds.“Yourbrot
her
s
askedmet ospeaktoyou,
”shefinal
lysays.

“
Aboutwhat
?”
“
Theysayyouhaven’tcr
iedforyourfat
her
?”t
hat’
s
t
rue…It
ri
ed.“YouhavetosethimfreeNobuhl
e,
f
orgi
vehim andreal
lymeanit,
”

“
Ifor
gavehi
m,”Isai
dundermybr
eat
he,
“
Thenr
eleasehi
m”

Mybr other
scamei ntofet
chme.They’
realli
nnavy
bluechinosandwhiteshir
t.Di
dLi
khakhago
shoppingforthem t
oo?Vuyo’smom st
eppedout.

“
Youguysl
ookni
ce”Isai
d.

“
Babygott
hesef
orus…”Mandl
asays

“
Howdi
dheknowyoursi
zes?
”
“
Heaskedus,
you?
”-Mzamo

Ohwel
l,
isn’
tthi
sawkwar
dnow.“
Heaskedme…”

“Surehedi d,
”-Mzamo.Mzamoi sanotheronewi th
gif
tthatheshoul dexpl ore.Wewal kedouttogether.
There’sawhi teandbl uet entstandingwithpeopl e
i
nsidesinging.Theyar discr owded.Likhakhaand
hismor earehere.Theygotseat sont hehightable
withthepreacherand…i st hat…whatthehelli
she
doingthere?Myuncl e,Idon’ tevenconsiderhima
partofthi
sf amily.Heonl yshowsupwhen
somet hi
ngi shappeni ngandwheneverhei saround;
hemakessur etost artafightwi thsomeone.If eela
l
itt
ledizzyandi t
’shoti nher e.Letmegoi nside.
WhenIst ood, Mandl afoll
owedme.

“
Areyouokay?
”heaskedt
aki
ngmyhandt
hen
wal
kedwit
hme.
“Idon’
tknow, Ifeeldizzyandtir
ed,”heopenedthe
doortodad’sr oom forme.“ Pl
easegetmesome
water”Isaidsitt
ingont hebed.Mandl acameback
withPalesa,shewascar r
yingawat erbott
le.

“Mandla,youcangoback.Goandhonouryour
fat
her,
I’l
ltakecar
eofher…”shesaysopeni
ngt
he
bott
lef
orme.

“
SisPalesa,
I’
m sor
ryfort
hewayI
’
vebeenbehavi
ng
l
atel
y.Iwasanass,”

“Comehere,
”theyhugged.“
goandbewi
thyour
brot
her
s,”heobeyed.

“Haveyouhadanyt hi
ngtoeatt oday?
”Inodded.IfI
eatwil
lthrowup,Icanfeel
it.“Okaythen,
justl
ie
down.I’
llwakeyouupwheni t
’stimetogotothe
cemetery,
”
Assoonasmyheadhi
tthepi
ll
ow,
Ist
art
eddozi
ng
of
f.

“Hell
osexy,”heki
ssedmyf orehead.Myeyes
peeledopen.It
’smykissi
ngbuddy.“ Areyouokay?
You’rescar
ingme,what’shappening?”Isatup
str
aightandhuggedhim.

“Ki
ssme,”Iwhisper
edandheobeyed.Imi
ssedhim
somuch.“Imissedyou,
”Isai
drest
ingmyfor
ehead
onhis.

“Buhle,
youareshaki
ng.Haveyouhadanyt
hingt
o
eat”helooksver
yconcer
ned.

“
No,I’
l
ljustt
hrowup.If
eelsosi
ck…Ij
ustwantt
o
t
hrowup”
“Ar
eyoupregnant?”heasked.Ther
e’sal
it
tl
ebi
tof
sar
casm i
nhistone.
“
No…wej
usthadsexonce,
”Isayl
aughi
ng.

“
Iwashopi
ngI
’
dknockyouupt
hatday,
”hesays

“Li
sten,
”Iki
ssedhim ont hel
ipsthenont hecheek.
“Assoonast hi
swholesagadi esdown, Iwil
ltake
careofyou.Iwil
lbethereforyou,Iwil
lbestrong
foryou.Ipr
omise”Ikissedhim agai
n.

“Whatdoyoumeanhoney,yout
akecar
eofmeall
theti
me.You’
remysuper
woman,”heplant
eda
kissonmyli
ps.

“
Andyou’
remypr
incechar
ming,
”Isai
dandsmi
l
ed.

“
Lit
eral
ly”webot
hsai
dandl
aughed.
Mziwalkedi
nwhil
ewewerekissi
ng.“
Okay
l
ovebir
ds,I
t’
sti
metogo,
”hehelpedmeputonmy
shoes.

“I’
l
lseeyout her e,”heki ssedmyf oreheadt hen
tappedMziont heshoul der.Likhakhagaveusone
ofhiscar stousei npr eparat
ionforanddur ingthe
burial
.It’
sagr eyLand- Rover.I’
mi nt hebackseat
withMandl aandMzamo.Mzii sont hewheel wi
th
Palesabesi deshi m.Shel ooksbeaut i
fuli
nt hi
sblue
andwhi tedr ess.I tlooksl i
keI’mtheonl yoni nblack.
Wehavear ri
ved.Ther e’sawhi temar queerightnext
tothegr ave.Hi scof f
inhasn’tbeenl oweredyetit
l
ooksbeaut iful.Ther e’spurpleandwhi tefl
ower son
top…it’
sj ustbeaut i
ful.Yetagain,mor eprayingand
preaching…Ican’ tdot hisanymor e.Li khakhahas
hisblazerandbeadsof f,
he’shelpingsomeguysf ix
somet hingont hecof fi
n.

IsqueezedMzi
’
shand.Hel
ookedatme.
“
Whathappenedt
odad?
”Iasked.Idon’
tknowhow
hedi
ed.I
tjusthi
tmenow

“
Whatdoyoumean?
”hespokel
owl
y

“
Howdi
dhedi
e?”

“
I’
llt
ellyoul
atert
oday.
”

Itwast i
met ovi ewthebody.Li khakhai ssohands
onheopenedt hecoffin.Iappreciatet
hat.He
l
ookedatmet henbackatt helif
elessbodyofwhat
usedt obemyf ather.Peopl eli
nedupwhi lewe
waited,Ithoughtthef ami l
ywoul dstart
.Thenthey
call
edt hefamily.Myuncl eleadthewayf oll
owedby
Mzi,Mzamo, myselfandt henMandl a.Iwasso
scared…af t
erviewingt hebodywewentbackt oour
seats.Mybr othersar ecryingandI ’
m not.I’
m
almostembar rassed.Vuyo’ smom camet ome;she
tookmyhandanddr aggedmebackt otheopen
coff
in.
“Lookathim,”Idi
d.Thisismyf at
her,heisgoing
undergroundandIwillneverseehim agai
n.“Tel
l
him youforgi
vehim,
”shesays.

“
Ifor
giveyoudaddy,
”Isai
dandIact
ual
lymeanti
t.

“Nowsethimfree,l
ethi
mr est
,”shesai
d.Idon’
t
howsethimfree.Ij
ustnoddedsoIcouldgoback
tomyseat.I
twast i
metolowerhim.West oodas
thel
adi
essang.

UKHOLWOLAMINDONYUKANALO
UKHOLWOLAMINDONYUKANALONDI
LUBAMBE
NGEZANDLA
NDI
YONGENANALOEKHAY’
EZULWI
NI

Thecof
fi
nsl
owl
ywentdown.
“Tata…”(Dad)cal
led.Iwentandst
oodnextt
othe
grave.Someonegotahol dofmyhand.

“
Come,
”hesai
d.

“No…utat
aakasekho,
”(Dadi
snomor
e)“
Dad,
”I
cal
led.
“Nobuhl
e,i
t’
sokay…come,
”hewaspul
li
ngme.I
pull
edmyhandaway.

“Hesai
dhe’dbeback.Dad”Iscr
eamed.Iknel
t
down.Icoul
dfeel
myhear tbur
ningup.

“I
’
m sorr
yBuhle,
”Palesakneltdownandhuggedme.
Sheiscr
yinghereyesout.Iam st
il
lnotcr
ying.
Li
khakhaisher
etoo,
“
Lethi
m go,
”hesai
d

“Buthe’
smyfather
…hesaidhe’
dbeback.Whent
he
poli
cetookhi
m hepromi
sedtocomeback.Whydi
d
hedie?”

“
Sisindi
yakucel
a,mkhul
ule,
”(I
’
m beggi
ngyou
r
eleasehi
m)Mzisaid.

“
Amanzi!”someonecr
ied.Suddenl
yever
ythi
ng
wentbl
ank.

“
Bri
ngt
hecarar
ound!
!”t
hat
’st
hel
astt
hingIhear
d.
[
01/
05,
13:
46] : ENTRY46

THEEMOTI
ONTHATCANBREAKYOURHEARTI
S
SOMETI
MESTHEVERYONETHATHEALSI
T
:
Nichol
asSpar
ks
“Whathappened?”Iasked.I
’mtryi
ngt
omakesense
ofmysurroundings.If
eelheavy.

“She’sup!Doc,”someoneranoutshouti
ng.Where
thehellam I?Whathappened?Wherearemy
brothers?Aretheyfi
ne?Allt
hosequesti
onswere
runninginmyhead.Ther oom st
art
edfil
li
ngup.
Okayt hey’
rehere.Al
loft
hem, i
ncl
udingPalesa.

“Youhadapani cat
tack,
you’
rei
nthehospit
al,
”
Palesasays.Hospi
tal
…Pani
catt
ack.That
’swhit
e
peopleshi
t.

“MissMkhokeli
,”Awhi t
eoldmanwal kedin.Iwill
forgi
vehimforfucki
ngupmysur name.“ Iwil
l
prescri
beafewt abl
etsforyou.Ei
therthanthat,you
needtoeat,
drinkmor ewaterandjusttrytorelax,
”
hesays.
“
Whatar
ethepi
ll
sfor
?”Iasked.

“
They’
reant
idepr
essant
s…j
ustt
ocal
m youdowna
l
it
tl
e,
”
“
Ant
idepr
essant
s?”
-Mzi

“I
’m notdepr
essed,j
ustal
it
tl
etir
ed.Al
othas
happenedinthepastfewmonths,
’’

“Iknowyouarenotdepressed,
let
’sj
ustcal
lita
safetypr
ecaut
ion,
”hepull
edoneofthosefake
doctorsmil
es.
Thedoct
orkeptmef oranotherdayforobser
vat
ion.
I
tsMondayintheafternoon,Li
khakhacametofetch
mewithhisbodyguard/dri
ver.

“Ar
eyour
eady?
”Heaskedast
hedr
ivershutt
he
door.
“
Yespl
ease,
”Isang.

“
Howar
eyouf
eel
ingma’
am?
”hi
sdr
iverasked.

“
Muchbet
ter
,thankyou,
”

Helookedatmei
nther
ear
-vi
ewmi
rr
orashe
adj
ustedit
.
“Youhangi
nther
e”hesai
dent
husi
ast
ical
ly.I
smil
ed,

“
Ishal
l.
”Li
khakhat
ookmyhand.

“Takeiteasyokay.Youscaredmeyest er
day.You
werejustli
fel
ess,andwhenyoudi dn’topenyour
eyes…Ijust,
”hecuthimselfshort
.Icouldfeeland
hearthefearandsadnessinhisvoi ceandithurts
met ohearhim soundsowor r
ied.Icuppedhisf ace
withmyhands.It henpul
ledhim closerandkissed
hisforeheadthenwentallt
hewaydowntohi
slips.
Ikissedhim passi
onat
ely.If
eelsor
ryf
ort
hedri
ver,
but…itiswhatiti
s.

“Forgivemesweet hear
t,I
’
m here…myeyesareopen
now, ”Isai
dlooki
ngathim str
aighti
ntheeyes.I
kissedhim agai
n.“Doyouf or
giveme?”Ismil
ed.

“I
’m notsur
e,justdot hatagai
nandthenmaybewe
cant al
kaboutforgi
vingyou,”hesai
d.Iki
ssedhi
m
again.

“
Hey,getar
oom yout
oo!
”hi
sdr
iversai
d.We
l
aughed.

“EyesonroadtheManuel
,eyesont
her
oad.
”
Likhakhasays.
I
’
m secr
etl
ythanki
ngLi
khakhaf
orsayi
nghi
sname.
“
Sor
ry,
”Icover
edmyf
acewi
thmyhands.

“
Youki
dshavef
unnow,
”Manuelsays.

“
Whoisathome?Ihopeever
yonei
sgone,
”Il
ocked
myhandswit
hhi
s.

“
Theusual
,Vuyo’
smom andUncl
eSbu,
”

“Whyishesti
llt
her
e?”Iaskedhi
m aquest
iont
hati
s
outofhi
sjur
isdi
cti
on.

“
Becausehei
sfami
ly,
Ishoul
dsuppose…”

“
Hedoesn’
tevenknowt
hemeani
ngoft
hatwor
d,”

Theypar
kedoutsi
detheyar
d,Ithi
nkbecauseofmy
uncl
e.Mandl
aisstandi
ngoutsi
de.Ihopehewas
wai t
ingf orme.Thi sremindsmeofbacki nhigh
school ;Ihadext ramat hsclassestwiceaweek
afterschool ,sothisguywoul dwai tformeout side
mycl ass.Somet imeshe’dbuymeal oll
ipopandeat
i
tsl owlywhi l
ehewai tedanhourandt hir
tymi nutes.
Mandl ahasal waysbeenmybestf ri
endr eal
ly.But
nowhe’ sgr owingup, heisbecomingaman, a
toughguy, hewant stobel i
kehi sbrothersandIam
nothingl ikehisbrothers.

“Ubuyi
le,”(
Youar eback,
)heengul fedmewi thahug.
Heisstillali
tt
leshakenbymyf ather’
spassing.
We’reallare,i
ncludi
ngLikhakha.Ididn’tt
hinkit
’dhi
t
himthishar dtoo.“Don’
tdot hatagain,
”hesays.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”Iki
ssedhi
scheek.

“Comeonsi s,don’
tdothatoutsi
de,
”heli
ft
eduphi
s
shoulder
,“Supladi
es,
”Ilookedbackandsawa
groupofgirl
spassingby.
“
HiMandl
a,”t
heyal
lsang.Wow.

“
Areyoucomi
ngi
nbr
o?”heaskedLi
khakha.

“
Nono…Ihaveameeti
ngwitht
heeldersin15
minut
es.Theol
dmanisst
il
lonbedrest,
”hesays
t
akingmyhand.
“Babythechief
…”theydidthehandshakethingy.
“Nowlist
en,Baby,ifyouneedl
ikeavicechiefor
deputychi
ef.I’
m yourboy…”

Li
khakhalookedatmewi t
hconcer
n.Ishookmy
headindi
cati
ngthatheshoul
dnotinvol
veme.
“
Yeah,
youar emyboy.Iwi
lldef
ini
tel
yconsi
der
t
hat
…”Likhakhasays.

“Justputachai
rf ormeri
ghtnextt
oyours,
getme
oneofthosekil
lersuit
sandbeads…we’
redone!
”
Mandl
aneedst
ost
opt
alki
ng.

“Youknowwhatvi cechi
ef,t
akeyoursi
steri
nsi
de
fornowandmakesur eshe’stakencar
eof.I
’l
lbe
poppingi
n,”hesayshandinghim mybag.

“Si
s,youheardtheman,
”hesteppedasideformet
o
go.“Saybye,
”Mandlai
swatchingus,Imeanwe
wanttokissandhug.Webothlookedathim,

“
CanIhugheratl
east
?”Li
khakhaasked.Imean…

“Yougot5second,”het
urnedar
ound.Wequi ckl
y
huggedandkissed,t
hethi
ngiswearetr
yingto
makethismomentcountbutwearealsolaughing
hyst
eri
call
y.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”Isai
dasMandl
atur
nedar
ound.
“
Youcomeoveranyt
imeyouwant,I
’
llt
ellt
heguar
ds
t
oal
lowyoui
nwhenever.Ni
ghtorday,
”Inodded.

“Ti
me’supkids,
”hesays.Heopenedthegatef
or
met ogot
hrough.Il
ookedback;Li
khakhawas
alr
eadydr
ivi
ngoff,t
hedustmakingisital
most
i
mpossibl
etoseethecar.

“
Tel
lme,areyouakil
lernow?”hesays.I
shetal
king
t
ome?Ilookedathi
mt henatMzi.Hecall
edt
he
f
ourofustothel
oungefora‘meeti
ng’

“
Comeon…don’tt
aket
hatrout
emal
ume,
”(Uncl
e)
Mzispokei
nst
eadofme.

“
ThulaMzi!,
”(ShutupMzi!
)heshout
ed.Ihavehad
j
ustaboutenough.Iseewhathe’
str
yingt
odo.He
want
stostartafight
.
“
List
enher e,
”Isaidstandi
ng.“Iwi
llnotexpl
ain
myselfyou,Iwi
llnotenter
tai
nyou,”
“
Iam youruncl
e,
”

“
Sincewhen?
”

“Si
nceyouwereborn,
”heseemst
ohavehis
answer
sready.Li
keheknewwhatIwasgoi
ngt
o
askhi
m befor
eIevenask.

“
Howol
dam I
?”hegotst
uck.

“
Mypoi
ntexact
ly!
”

“
Sti
ll
,youact
ionsar
einexcusabl
e…”

“I
nexcu…Si
busi
so,spellinexcusableplease…”Isai
d.
Theboysareshocked.Icouldt el
ltheywer et
ryi
ng
sohardtonotl
aughatt hisfool.
“
Howdareyou?!
”hisbreat
hingi
sgett
ingheavy
meani
ng.Hi
sangertowardsmeisescal
ati
ng.

“Youdon’tst
ayhere,youdon’tknowanythi
ng.Do
usallafavourandleaveplease.Il
eftt
hem t
her
e
andjoi
nedPal esai
nt heboys’room.

UncleSibusi
soleftl
astnight
,whichIappreci
ated
from t
hebottom ofmyhear t
.I’
mjusttryi
ngtofinda
reasontogetoutofthisbedandIcan’tfi
ndany.I
call
edBabytwiceandhedi dn’tpi
ckup.Iguesshe’s
busysavinghispeoplefr
om onlytheroyalf
ami l
y
knowswhat .

At12noon,Igotoutofbedandbat hed,
justt
o
pl
easemybr ot
hers.Everythingisbackt
onormal
now.Nomor epeople,walkinginandoutaski
ngf or
l
eft
-overf
oodandwomencl eaningandwashingt he
di
shes.Nomor etentsst
andi ngoutsi
deandpr ayers.
Everyt
hingi
sjustnor
mal.Pal
esaisintheki
tchenas
usual,
I’
m st
andingbythedoorwatchi
ngthe…ist
hat
,
ohmy…myski nrancoldinamatt
erofseconds

“
Pal
esa,
”Ical
led.

“
YesBuhl
e,
”

“
Hur
ry,
comeher
e,”sher
ushedover
.

“
Whoi
sthat
?”Iasked.

“Theonecomi ngthi
sdir
ecti
on?”Sheconfir
med.
Pleasetellmesheseesthi
stoo.Inodded.“
That
’s
yourbrother,
Mzi,
”shesays

“
Areyousur
e?”Iasked.
“Yes,t
hat
’smyman, yourbr
other
,can’
tyousee
him?”hewalkedi
ntotheyar
d.

“
Whatar
eyoul
ooki
ngat
?”heaskedus.

“
You,
”sheanswer
ed,“Youmeanyoucoul
dn’
tsee
t
hati
twasyourbr
other?
”

“
Icoul
dswearI
…It
houghtyouwer
e…”

“
Yout
houghtIwasBaby?
”heasks.

Ijusthuggedhim.Icoul
dfeelmyeyesbur ningand
puffi
ngup.Icouldfeelt
hatIwasaboutt ocryand
wher ebet
tert
odot hatt
haninmybr othersarms.“I
thoughtyouweredad”Isaidtryi
ngtobeascl earas
Ipossibl
ycan.Hehel dmeclosetohischest.
“Letital
lout,I’
m here,
”hesai dandkissedthetopof
myhead.“ I
’m sorr
ysis.Lethim go…”Ifel
tanother
handr ubbingmyshoul der;t
hatshoul dbePalesa.
Wewenti nsi
deandsati nthel ounge.Iwasn’
tready
toletgoofMzi ,
Iwasst i
llf
oldedinhischest.Ifeel
l
ikemychesti sopeningup.

“Justcrybabesletital
lout
.Ipromi
seyouwillf
eel
l
ighterandbett
er,”shesays.MzamoandMandl a
walkedin.Theylookedatmeandsawt hatIwas
cryi
ng.

“Yesssss,
”Mandl acel
ebrat
edwithhisf
istwavi
ngin
theair
.Het hr
ewhi msel
fnexttome.Pulledme
awayf r
om Mzi’swarm chestandthr
ewmei nhis
l
ap.“Lookatme, ”hesaid.

“
Mandl
abr
a,r
elax”Mzamosai
d.

“
Youl
ooksobeaut
if
ul,
justcr
ysi
s,
”hepl
ant
ed
ki
ssesal
lovermywetface.We’
real
llaughi
ng.Thi
s
i
sabitt
ersweetmoment.

“
Okaydude!I
’
m cr
ying.Don’
tswal
lowmeup,
”

“
ShethoughtMziwasyourf
ather
,”Pal
esaexpl
ains
t
othem.
“That’
sfine,
asl ongasshe’
scryi
ngandj ust
rel
easinghim.Thatoldmanwast al
kingabout
depressi
onandpani catt
acks…nahsi
s,”Itakeit
Mandl awasshakenbywhathappenedonSat urday
atthecemet er
y.

“Maybeyour
eal
lydi
dseehim;maybethi
swashis
wayofshowi
ngyouthathei
ssti
llwi
thyou,
”sai
d
Pal
esa

“
Ibel
ievet
hatwi
thal
lofmyhear
t,
”-
Mzamo
“
Maybe,
”Iwhi
sper
ed.WhatPal
esasai
djust
war
medmyheart.

“Youcanrecognizeyourbrothersanywhereand
youcanrecognizeyoufatheranywhere…ifyousay
yousawhimt henyousawhi m boo,
”sheadds.

“
Nobuhl
e!!
!”ashoutcamef
rom out
side.

“
Sizwe,
”Isai
dbur
yingmysel
finMandl
a’schest
.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”Mandl
awhi
sper
ed.They’
real
lgi
ggl
ing.

“Doeshehavet
oshoutmynameli
kethatever
y
ti
mehecomeshere,
”hewalksi
nwithhi
sarms
openwideandasmil
eacr
osshisf
ace.

“
Isshecr
ying?
”heasked.Inoddedwi
thasmi
le.He
cameandbentdownoverme.“ Youwi llbeokay, for
me,”Inoddedagai n.Hekissedmyf orehead,Icoul d
smellnicot
ineinhisbreathe.“
Youar ebeaut i
ful
,just
l
ookather ,
”het ur
nedandl ookedatPal esa,“
Palesa,
l
ookatyou, justgorgeous.Beauti
ful!”hef i
nall
ysat
down.Wear eallf
ighti
ngtheurget olaughour
l
ungsout .Sizwe,i
snotast ablehumanbei ng, I
promiseyou.Hepul ledoutaslabofchocol atefrom
hisbackpocketandgaveme, thishasbecome
tr
adit
ion.

“Thewholehouseishere,”wealllookedatt
hedoor.
He’shere…I’
m sohappy.Iranandt hrewmysel
fat
him.Hel i
ft
edmeupandt henkissedmeont he
neck.“Imissyousomuch, ”hesayswhi l
ewe’r
esti
ll
holdi
ngont oeachother.

“YouhavenoideahowhappyIam t oseeyou,
”I
stuckmyheadbet weenhi sneckandshoul
derand
theninhal
edhisscent.“Youstil
lsmel
lper
fect
,
thankyou,
”Isaid.Hefinall
yputmedownand
gr
eet
edt
hehouse.

“
Babyt
hechi
ef,
”Mandl
asai
d.

“
Bro,
shef
inal
lycr
ied,
”Mzisays.

“
Okayguys,
wegeti
tIcr
ied…l
eti
tgo,
”Isai
d.

“That
’sawesomenews,
”Likhakhasai
dandt
hen
plant
edakissonmycheek.

“
Baf
obafobafo,
”(Br
obrobr
o)Sizwegotwor
kedup,
“
Cal
m down,
kissherwhenwe’
renotar
ound,
”

“Ooooh”t
heboyssaid.Reall
y!Honestl
ySizwe
shouldst
opgivi
ngLikhakhaahardtime.Likhakha’
s
eyebrowwentup.Notgood,
“Idomor ethanjustki
ssi
ngherwhenyou’
renot
around…”myeyeswer eopenedwi
de,
hedidn’
tjust
saythat.Talkaboutacomeback,

“
TMIBaby,
TMI
,
”Mzamocr
ied.

“Wedon’twantt
oknowwhatyoudotoourl
it
tl
e
si
sterwhenwe’r
enotar
ound,
”-Mzi

“
Yout
hemanBaby,
Yout
heman…”Mandl
asang.

IseeLikhakhai slear ningtostandupf orhimself

now.Ilikethat.Ever yoneisher eandwe' reall
l
aughingagai n,justl i
keoldt i
mes.Maybedadgoi ng
tojai
lwasawayofpr epari
ngusal lforhisdeath.
Wegoteachot hernowandIknowf oraf actthat
thesefi
vemenwi llneverletanythingbadhappent o
meorPal esaandt ooneanot her.Atleastdadi s
reuni
tedwithmom now.Nowt hey'l
lhavet heir
happil
yeveraf ter.Asf ormybr ot
hersandI .
..
wear e
goingtobejustf
ine.Wehavetheseamazi
ng
fr
iendsaroundus.It
'l
lal
lwor
kout .

[
01/
05,
13:
46] : ENTRY47

WHENYOUPLAYTHEGAMEOFTHRONES,
YOU
WI
NORYOUDI E.
:
Cer
seiLanni
ster

Junet hird,todayi sMziandMzamo’ sbir

thday,yes
–t heyshar eabir t
hday.Mzii s27andMzamo24.
Mziwi llhit30ver ysoon;heneedst odosomet hing
withhisl i
fe.Wehadourusualci rcl
eoverbutsadl y
Likhakhacoul dn’tmakei t
.Everythi
ngisgoinggreat,
perfectinf act.Remembert hetuckshopmyf ather
usedt owor kat?MziandMzamoboughti t
,they
planont ur ningitintoahar dwarestor
e/workshop
andi ti
sunderconst ruct
ionaswespeak.Thi sisall
theywant edt odor eall
y,fi
xcars.Youcouldswear
thesetwohavet hesamemi nd.List
eningtothem
tal
kabouti ti
sf ascinat
ing.I
t’sli
keli
steningtothe
sameper sonr eall
y.Theyplanonaddi ngacar wash
afteralongrun.Mandl aisgoi ngbackt oschool
nextyeartogethi smat ri
ccertif
icat
e.Her ef
used,
wef oughtabouti tbutattheendt hethreeofus
madet hefinaldecisionandhecoul dn’tgoagainst
us.

“I
t’
ssadLikhakhacoul
dn’
tmakei
they,”Pal
esa
handedmepl at
eoffoodandt
hensatnextt
ome
wit
hhers.

“He’
sachief
,”Isai
ddefendinghim andalsot r
ying
tomakemyselfbel
ievei
tespecial
lysinceIhaven’ t
spokentohi
mi naweek.Hedoesn’ tpi
ckupwhenI
cal
lhim.Hecall
edme2daysagowhenIpi cked,he
sai
dhe’dcal
lmer i
ghtback.I’
m sti
llwait
ing.

“
Act
ingchi
ef,
”shesays.
“
Itcoul
dbeper manentforal
lweknow, whati
fhis
f
atherneverget
sbetterorworse.
”Isai
d.Suddenl
y
r
eali
tyishit
ti
ngmer i
ghtintheface.

“Ei
sh…youguysneedt
osi
tandt
alkaboutt
his,
”she
suggest
s.
“Ifhewillevercatchabreak,
”Isay.“
Whatwer ewe
thinki
ngkodwa? ”( t
hough)Isear
chedherfacefor
answer sbutsheisascl uel
essasIam.Ifnotmore,
“thisguyisapr i
nceandI ’
m notapri
ncess,
”

“
Don’
tbest
upi
d,t
hatguyl
ovesyou,
”

“
I’
m bei
ngar
eal
ist
,”

“
Go,
”shet
ookmypl
ate.
“
Gowhere,I
’
m eat
ing,
givememyfood”Ist
ret
ched
myhandfor
wardr
eachingf
ormyplat
e.

“Gotohim;t
ellhi
m ever
ythi
ngyou’r
ef eel
ing.He
deser
vestoknowandyoual sodeservetoknow
whereyoustand,
”shesays.

“
I’
m sur
ehei
sbusy,
ori
nameet
ing.
”

“
Thenyouwi
llwai
tunt
ilhecomesback,
”

Thereisnosayi
ngnotoPalesa,Imarchedint
othe
royalyar
dlooki
ngformyboyfr
iend.Wait,
ishemy
boyfri
end?Agai
n,i
twasnotmadeof fi
cial
.
“GooddayNobuhl e,evenprett
ierinperson,
”she
says.Shelooksexpensive.Andt here’
smei na
yel
lowlit
tl
edr ess,
sil
versandalst hathavewhi
te
fl
owersont hem andast r
aightup.
“Hel
loRose,
”Isai
d,thi
sisver
yawkward.Roseis
ri
ghtinfr
ontofme,she’
sapri
ncess.“
Youlook
amazingbytheway,”

“Thi
sol
dthi
ng,thankyou.
”Shesays.“
Thi
sis
awkwar
disn’
tit
?”sheblur
ted.

“
Ver
y,”wel
aughed.

“I
’mjustheretofet
chmywi g;Il
efti
ther
ewhen…”
shestoppedhersel
f.“You’r
ehereforhi
m hey?”I
nodded.“Anyway;Idon’tbel
onghere,I
’minlove
babes,
”

“
Oh!That
’swonder
ful
,ri
ght
?”Isay.

“Yes,butheisj
ustaguyf
rom Ni
ger
ia,
”thel
ighti
n
herfacedieddown.
“
Iknowhowi
tfeel
sli
ketobejustsomebody,
I’
min
l
ovewit
hapr
inceandI’
m acommoner,”

“That
’sonethingchocol
ateandIhadincommon,
wewer ebothfrom r
oyalf
amili
esi
nlovewit
h
commoner s,
”

“
Chocol
ate,
”

“Oh, sor r
y,whenwewer est i
llt
ryingt omaket hi
ngs
wor k; Iusedt ocallhim chocolate.I ’
m asuckerf or
petnames. ”Wowchocol ate…that’ssweet .“But
Likhakhal ovesyou, l
ikeit’
snotevenf unny.This
onet i
me;wewer ehavingt hi
sheat edmakeout
sessi onandhecal ledmeNobuhl e,”thisgirldoesn’
t
haveaf i
lt
eroraf ullstop.Ididn’tknowt heyhad
heat edsex, heneverment ionedt hattome.
“Mama,”shecurt
seyedast
hequeenwal
kedi
n.I
didn’
t,
Idon’
tknowwhy.
“
Nobuhl
e,you’
veabandonedme,
”shesays.

“
I’
m sor
rymama,
I’
m her
enow,
”Idef
endmysel
f.

“
It
’sni
cet
oseeyout
woget
ti
ngal
ong,
”shesai
d.

“Nobadbloodma,”Rosesays.“
Imustgetgoi
ng,
”
shehugsthequeen,andt
henme.Ididn’
tknowwe
werether
ealr
eady.

“
ByeRose,
”shel
eftus.

Anoldwomanwalkedi
nri
ghtaf
tershej
ustwal
ked
out
.Sheisver
yol
d.

“Mama,”t
hequeenmothert
ookherhand.“
Thi
sis
Nkosi
’
sgirl
fr
iend,
Nobuhl
e,”
“Gi
vemeyourhandsdaughter
,”shesai
d,hervoi
ce
i
strembli
ngbecauseofol
dage.Igavehermy
hands.

“
Thi
sismymot
her
,”t
hequeenmot
hersays.

“Ndi
yavuyaukwazimakhul
u,”(
I’
m pl
easedt
omeet
yougranny)sher
ubbedmyhandsasshesmi l
edat
me.

“
Mamawesizwe,
”(Mot
heroft
heki
ngdom)shesays
wit
hasmi
le.

“Mama,I
’
m here,
”thequeentookherhands.“
Have
yout
akenyourmedstoday,”

“No,Iseeyoumydaught
er.I
’
mt al
kingtothi
syoung
l
ady,”thequeenmot
herl
eadherupstai
rs.Ol
d
people…
“Andthenyou,ar
eyouher
eformeormyson, ”I
smil
edatherasshewaswalkingdownt hestai
rs.I
t
wasclearr
eall
y.“He’
sont
hethrone.Hurry,
thelast
ti
mewet al
kedhewasgoingforameeting,”

Helooksstressed,hehasl ostalit
tleweighttoo.I
wait
edwhi l
ehet alkedtosomemenaboutf undsf
or
someschool .Whent hemenl efthim, hemot i
oned
metocomei n.Idon’treal
lyknowt hesethingswork.
Li
kenow, si
nceLi khakhaandIar er omanticall
y
i
nvolved,
doIbowbef orehim andpr ai
sehim.Let
menotexhaustmypr i
vil
eges.Iwentonmyknees.

“
Nkosiyesi
zwe,
”Isai
dwi
thmyeyesont
hegr
ound.

“Buhle,st
andup,
”hesaidsoftl
y.Icantellhehasa
l
otonhi smindandIjustwishIcouldrel
ievehim of
thatstr
ess.Hewentandlookedoutthewi ndow
givi
ngmehi sback.Iwal
kedupt ohim andrubbed
hi
sback.

“Li
khakha,”Isaid.Hei
ssotense,I
’
veneverseen
himlikethi
s,it
’sli
kehewi
llexpl
odeanyti
me.He
remindsmeofMzamobackwhenhewasdeepl y
depressed.

“Howareyou?”heasked.“
Howar
eyoudeal
ingwi
th
ever
ythi
ng?”

“Don’
twor
ryaboutme.Lookatyou,
howar
eyou?
”
heiscl
ear
lyt
ir
ed.

“Dal
indyebo,
”amanwalkedi
n.it
’soneoft
heuncl
es.
Iremovedmyhandsfr
om isback.

“
Ewemal ume,
”(
Yes,uncl
e)het
urnedar
oundand
l
ookedathim,
theenti
ret
imemyeyesaregl
uedto
t
hefloor
.
“
Meet
ing,
”hesays.

“
Ther
e’sst
il
lti
me,
givemeaf
ewmi
nut
espl
ease,
”

“
Ver
ywel
lmychi
ef,
”heexi
ted.

“
I’
mfi
ne,
”hel
ookedatmeandsai
d.

“Don’
tli
etome, haveyoul
ookedatthemirrorl
atel
y.
Whenwast helastti
meyouslept
?”Istr
etchedmy
handupandr estedi
tonhi
scheek.

“Whyar
eyouher
e?”heasked.Doesn’
thewantme
her
e?

“
Icametoseeyou,
”Ipeel
edmyhandawayf
rom hi
s
f
aceandtookonest
epback.
“
Iknowbabebutyoushoul
dhave…”

“Cal
led,
”If
inishedhissent
ence.“
Youdon’
tpickup.
Wehaven’ttalkedi
naweek, nott
otal
kofseeing
eachother
,”

“I
’
mthechiefnow,
I’
m busyandmyf
atheri
ssi
ck.
”
Hesays.

“
Iknow,
that
’swhyI
’
m her
e,”Isay.

“I
’
m busy.Ihaveameeti
ng,
”hesays.I
tsoundsl
ike
heisaski
ngmet ol
eave.

“Okay,Iwi
llgo…”hegotaholdofmyhand, he
broughtmecloserandkissedme.Whatdoesthi
s
guywantfrom me?Ikissedhim backt
hough,
“Waitforme,IhaveameetingandthenIwi
llbe
back,”hesai
dbeggingl
y.Exceptt
herewasno
please.

“
It
’sokay,
Iwi
llcomebacksomeot
hert
ime,
”

“Pl
ease,
”hesoundsdesper
ate.Ican’
tleavehim
whenheneedsmet hemost.Hewast hereformeat
myweakestandlowestmoment s.Hehelpedme
getbet
ter
,Iwi
llbeher
eforhimtoo.

“
Youknowwhat?Gotoyourmeet
ing,Iwi
llbeher
e
whenyoucomeback,
”Ipl
ant
edakissonhischeek.

“Thankyou,”hesmiled.Evenhissmil
eisti
red.I
mademywayout .“
Buhle,
”It ur
nedmyheadand
l
ookedathi m.“Howt hehelldoyoumanaget ol
ook
sogor geousever
ysingledayofyourli
fe,
”heasked.
Ijustsmiledathi
m andblushedi mmensel
y.“My
mom bakedsomemuf f
insyest
erday,
youcanhave
al
it
tl
eteapartywi
thherandgossipaboutme,
maybeshecanshowyouembar rassi
ngpict
uresof
mewhenIwasst i
llaboy,
”hesays.

“Thatsoundsl ikeapl anmyki ng,”Il

efthim.The
queenmot herwassot hri
ll
edtospendt he
afternoonwi t
hme.Wemadet eaandhadmuf fi
ns,
shegavemeat r
ayt ogoandgi vetheking, her
husband.If oundhi m onthebal conyintheirvery
humongousr oom.Shedi dthisonpur pose,she
sentmet oherhusbandonpur pose,maybeshei s
hopingt hatheandIwi l
ltal
kandmaybei ront hi
ngs
out.Ther earetwobeaut if
ulrockingchairsthatare
decor at
edwi thbrightfl
owers,acut el
itt
lewooden
tablebetweent hem wi t
hnewspaper soni t.Oldman
andnewspaper s.

“
Dal
indyebo,
”Isai
dasIwal
kedi
n.“
Somet
eaand
muf
fins,
”Iwentar
ound.
“ThankyouZuki
…”Itwassomeonehewasn’
t
expect
ing.“
Nobuhl
e,”hesays.

“Don’tworr
ysir,
ther
e’snopoi
son,youwif
emade
thetea.I
’mjustamessenger,
”Isayput
ti
ngthet
ray
overthepil
eofnewspapers.
“Thankyou,”hesaystaki
ngabit
eofhi smuffi
n.I
stoodther
e,looki
ngathim.Iwashopinghewould
saysomethingelse.“
Isther
eanyt
hingelse?
”
“
Youar
ewel
come,
”Il
efthi
m.

“Buhle,I
’
m back.I’
m herebaby,
”If
eltcol
dki
ssesal
l
overmyf ace.What?Ifel
lasl
eeponthecouch.
There’sablanketoverme.

“
Whatt
imei
sit
?”Iaskedi
nthemi
ddl
eofyawni
ng.

“
Hal
fpastni
ne,
”hesayscar
essi
ngmyf
ace.
“
Didyouj
ustcomebacknow?
”Iasked.

“
Yes,
I’
m sor
ry,
”hel
ooksr
emor
sef
ul,

“Nohoney,I’
m notmad, I
’mjustgladyou’rehere
now.Besidesyourmom wasawesomecompany, ”I
say.Iam alit
tlesadbutIunderstand.Hewasbusy,
Iscootedsohecoul djoinmeundert heblanket
.He
tookoffhi
sbl azer
,ti
e,beltandshoesandt hen
j
oinedme.“ Didyoueatt hemuffi
ns? ”Iasked
makingmysel fcomfortablei
nhischest .

Befor
ehel eft
,Ipackedsomemuf f
insandmil
kand
gavethem tohisdriver
.It
oldhi
mt otel
lhi
mthatit
’s
overbetweenusi fhedoesn’
teatt
hoseandfi
nish
them.

“Yes,
thankyou.Iact
uallydidn’
tknowhowhungryI
wasuntilIhadabit
e.Plus,theycamewit
hathreat
soIreal
lyhadnochoice,”Igiggl
ed.
“
Howwast
hemeet
ing?
”

“
Itt
ooklongerthanIt
hought.Onthewayher
eIgot
acal
lthatapipehadbur
stinthehotel
,
”

“
Ever
ythi
ngi
ssor
ted?
”

“Yesma’am,”hetookadeepbreathi
nandthen
slowl
yout.“I
’m sor
ryBuhl
e,
”Iplacedmyi
ndex
fi
ngeroverhisl
ips.

“
Shhh,
”It
hensmoochedhi
m.

“
Whatar
ewedoi
ng?
”heasked.Goodquest
ion?

“
Idon’
tknow,
”Isai
d.Iwashopi
nghe’
dknow.
“Butwe’l
lfi
gur
eitouttogetherri
ght,
”heti
ghtened
hishandonmywai st.Ibrushedhiseyebrowwi t
h
myt humb.

“
Yes,
wewi
ll
,butr
estf
ornow,
”Ii
nsi
sted.

“
Kissmeagai
nmyqueen,
”hesmi
led.Iki
ssedhi
m.

“
Closeyoureyesmyking,
”heobeyed.Iwentback
t
ohischestandclosedmyeyesagain.Ti
mewi l
ltel
l.
Ihearshout
ing.

“
Howmanytimesmustwet
ellyou?Youwil
lnever
mar
ryt
hatgi
rl
,shei
snotar
oyal?”whoist
hat?

“Idon’
tcar
euncle,Iloveher
,”t
hat
’sLi
khakha,
I'
m
notsurewhichuncle.
“
Theancestorswil
lnotbepl
easedwit
hyou.They
wil
lfi
ghtyouandyoucannotfi
ghtt
heancest
ors”
t
heuncleshoutsback.

“Iwi
llfi
ghtwhoeverandwhatever
,”Li
khakhasays.I
shouldleave,
Ishoul
dn’
tbeli
steni
ngtothis.

“
Sheki l
ledaman;youwantakill
ert
oseatonthe
t
hronewi t
hyou?”okay.That
’smycue.Igat
her
ed
mythingsandranout.

I’
m athomei ndad’
sroom r
uminat
ing.If
eelli
kethi
s
i
snotwor kingoutandIhat
ethatf
eeli
ng.Idon’t
thi
nkLikhakhaandIweremeanttobe,wecan’t
haveahappi l
yeveraf
ter
.It
’sal
mostnearl
y
i
mpossi bl
e.

“
Babycall
ed;hewasaski
ngforyou.Youl
eft
wit
houtt
ell
inghi
m,”Mandl
asaysalmostaccusi
ngl
y.
“
Yeah,
Ihadt
oo,
”Isay.Hesatnextt
ome.

“
What
’swr
ong?Di
dhehur
tyou?
”heasks.

“
Nobhuti
,hewoul dnever
.Iover
hear
dhi
m ar
gui
ng
wit
hhi
suncle.Ihadtogo,”

“
Whatwer
etheyar
gui
ngabout
?”heasks.

“Me,hewastell
inghimthathecan’
tbewi
thme
becauseIam notfr
om aroyalf
amil
y.Hecal
ledme
akil
ler
,”

“I
’m sor
rysi
s,”hesays.Hi
sphoner
ings.“
It
’shi
m
again,
”Ipi
ckeditup.

“
LIKHAKHA”
“
AREYOUOKAY?
”heasked.

“
YES.AREYOUOKAY?
”

YES.WHATHAPPENEDI
NTHEMORNI
NG?
”

“I
’
M SORRY,
IHEARDYOUARGUINGWI
THYOUR
UNCLEABOUTME.IJUSTDI
DN’
TKNOW WHATDO
TO,”

“IWI
LLTRYTOCOMEOVERLATERSOWECAN
TALK,OKAY,
”

“
OKAY,
I’
LLBEWAI
TING,
”

“
BUHLE”
“
YESBABE,
”

“
AREWEOKAY?
”agai
n,goodquest
ion.

“
YOUANDIAREOKAYLI
KHAKHA,
”

Hi
m andIareokay,wesai
dwe’
dfi
gur
eitoutand
wewil
l.Ihopeso…

[
01/
05,
13:
46] : ENTRY48

STABTHEBODYANDI
THEALS,BUTINJURETHE
HEARTANDTHEWOUNDLASTSALIFETIME.
:
MinekoI
wasaki

Mzamodeci
dedtobeacheft
odayandcooked.
Si
nceGabagaveusmoneyourf
ri
dgehasbeenful
l.
Palesawal
kedinwi
thasui
tcase,whatt
hehelli
s
happeni
ng?Isshemovi
ngi
nwi thuspermanentl
y?

“
Andt
hen?
”Isai
dshockedatwhatI
’
m seei
ng.

“
Babe,
”sai
dMzit
aki
nghersui
tcase.

“
Mydadchasedmeout
,”shesays,
hereyesst
art
t
ear
ing.
Whyisshecryi
ng?Pal
esai
sjustt
ooemot
ional
,I
r
eal
lydon’
tknowhowmybr ot
herdeal
swi
thher.

“What
’swrong,
”Iaskedhuggi
ngher.She’
sbeen
ver
ynicetomesoIt hi
nkshehasearnedmy
ki
ndness.

“Why?Whydi dhechaseyouout
?I si
tbecauseof
me? ”Mziasked,
hesoundsworr
ied.Shenoddedt
o
hisquest
ion.
“
I’
m pr
egnant
?”shesays.What
?!?

“
Preg…youmean?
”Mzist
utt
ers.

“
Areyouser
ious?
”Iaskedt
heobvi
ousher
e…

“
WaitBuhl
e,”hepul
ledPalesaawayf
rom me,
“You
meanther
e’sababyinsi
deyounow,myboy?”

“Idon’
tknowaboutboy,
butababyyes”shesays
smili
ng.

“
Yeeeessssss…Mzamo,
Mandl
a”Mzi
shout
ed.“
Cal
l
t
hem!”hesaidtome.

“I
’m suretheyheardyou”andindeedtheydi
d,t
hey
camei nrunning.Theyhavegunsout…whythehel
l
dot
heyhavegunsonthem?Inthi
shouse?Mandla
i
s18year
soldheshouldn’
tbewavinggunsar
ound.

“
What
’shappeni
ng?
”Mzamoaskedal
lwor
kedup.

“Heyheyhey,
putt
hataway,
ther
e’sababyi
nher
e,”
sai
dMzi.

“Ababy?Wher
e,”Mandl
aasked.Theybot
hputt
hei
r
gunsaway.

“Ri
ghtinsi
dePalesa,
she’
spregnant
,”Mzibr
oket
he
news.Theirf
acesli
tup.Mandl
agotclosert
o
Pal
esa.

“
Isi
ttr
uesisPal
esa?
”shenodded.Hehuggedher
,
t
henweallcameinf
oragr
ouphug.
“
I’
m goingtobeafat
her
,”Mandl
awhi
sper
edt
hen
wealll
aughed.Tr
ustMandl
a…

Ithinkababyi sjustwhatweneedt oli

ghtenthe
moodi nthishouse.There’sbeenal otofnegati
vit
y
andj ustadar kcloudhoveringoverusf orsometi
me
now.Ibel ievethingsareturningaroundforus.
Soont hey’llbeal i
tt
leMzidrivingusmad.Ohhe’ s
goingt obel oved.

“Youknowt hatIwil
lfi
ghtthisri
ght?IfIcan’thave
yousit
tingnexttomet henIcan’tsi
tont hatthrone,
”
hesays.Hesayst hatli
kehei swil
li
ngtogi veup
thatt
hronetobewi thme.I’veseenLikhakhat al
k
aboutbeingking,heli
vesforit.

“
Likhakha…”

“No,Buhl
e,youhavetomarr
yme,bemy
queen…li
ter
all
y,
”hesays,
“Wecoul
dgetmar
ri
ed
nextweekandyouwi l
lneverhavet
owor
ryabout
anythi
ngeveragai
n,”

“Li
khakha,
Iam 19andIwantt
obeal
awyer
,nota
queen.
”Isay.

“Youaresmar
t,Iam cer
tai
nyouwi
llr
uleyour
peopl
ewithwi
sdom andhonor,
”

“They’r
enotmypeople,they’
reyour
s,”Icor
rect
ed
him.Idon’
thavepeople.Mypeoplearemy
brother
s…

“You’
real
readyahero,
whowoul dn’
twantabr
ave
queenli
keyou?”hepersi
sted.

“Idon’
twanttobeyourqueenl i
ter
all
y.Iwanttobea
l
awyer,pleasetellmeyouunderst
andthat
,”Isai
d
almostaggressivel
y.
“Whatar
eyout
ryi
ngt
osayt
ome?
”het
ookmy
hand.

“
I’
mtryi
ngtosaythatIwanttobewit
hyouandbea
l
awyer,
nott
akeyourmom’ schai
r,
”

“Butthechai
rcomeswi
thwhoIam…i
t’
sinmy
blood,
”

“
Iknowt
hat
!”Ishout
ed.

“
Whyar
eyoushout
ing?
”heaskedcal
mly.

“Becauseyou’
rejuststandi
ngt her
eacti
ngl
ikeI
don’tknowwhat’
shappeni ng.Iam awar
eof
everythi
ngLi
khakha,”Isay.
“Iknowyou’reawareofever
ythi
ng,whatworri
esme
i
st hatyoumightnotwantanyofit
,”hetookona
sterntone.

Isighed.Therewassi lenceforafewseconds.“So,
arewef ighti
ngnow? ”hesays.That ’
sagood
question,I
’venot i
cedt hatthi
sguyisamast erat
askingkeyquest ions.Igi ggl
ed,Ij
usthadtoo.I
meanwho–i nt hemi ddleofaf i
ght–asksi fi
t’
sa
fi
ght?We’ reclearl
yar guing.“What’
sfunny?Areyou
l
aughi ngatme, ”hejoinedmei nthelaughi
ng,
“Comeher e,
”hepul l
edmecl oserandkissedmy
for
ehead.

“Thisi
shardLi
khakha,Iwanttogot oschoolandbe
somebodyandthenyou…Iwantt o..
.”hi
sphone
rang.Hej
umpedf ori
twithoutt
hinki
ngtwice.

“
MAMA,”he’sst
il
lhol
dingmyhand,
“NDLOVUKAZI
,
”
t
hecal
lended.“
BabeI…”
“
Youhavet
ogo…Iknow,
”Icuthi
m shor
t.

“
Iwi
llcal
lyou;Ipr
omi
se…”her
ant
othecar
.

“Baby,”Isaidbef
orehecouldshutthedoor.Iranto
him,“kissme,”Isai
d.Hesmi l
edandkissedmewi t
h
outhesi t
ati
on.Hekissedmel i
kei
twast hefi
rstand
l
asttime.“ Goandbeaki ng,
”hegotint
ot hecarand
hewasof f.

Thisisinsane,thisboyi sat empor ar

yki ng.Hecan’ t
keepr unni
ngar oundbet weent hepal aceandmy
house.Ican’tjustkeepshowi ngupathi spl aceli
ke
aprobat i
onof f
icer.Ican’tli
velikethi
s, neit
hercan
he.Myphonebeeped, it
’sat extmessagef rom him;
MARRYMEi treads.Sur elyLikhakhadoesn’ tthi
nk
thatIwillmarryhim now.Ican’ taffordt oget
mar r
iedat19, aft
ereveryt hi
ngI ’
vebeent hrough,I
needt oachievesomet hinggr eat.Somet hingofmy
own.I ’
veonlysleptwi thoneboy;don’ tgetme
wr ong,Idonotpl anonsl eepi
ngwi thmul ti
pleboys.
WhatImeani s,Ionlyknowl i
fefrom onepoi ntof
view,there’
shasgott obesomet hi
ngf ormeout
there.Somethingmor ethanget t
ingraped,kill
inga
man, losi
ngmyf atherandget ti
ngmar riedat19.I
sentar edheartbackwi t
haki ssingemoj i
.

“Mandlawhyisitsohardforyoutofol
dyour
clot
hesandputthem away,”Ishout
ed.Iam noti
na
goodmoodt oday.Idon’
twanttodoanythi
ngortalk
toanyone.

“I
’m comi
ng,
”sheshoutedf
rom theki
tchen.“
What’s
upwi t
hyou?whyareyousocranky?Isyourbest
fr
iendher
e?”heaskedashewalkedin.

“
Justt
akeyourcl
othesMandl
a,”

“
Hey,
”het
hrewhi
sar
m overmyshoul
der
,“You
okay?I
sitLi
khakha?Di
dhecheatonyou?
”

“
Mandl
a,goshno!I
’
m okay,
don’
twor
ry.
”Isai
d.

“Nobuhleeeeee”IlookedatMandl
ahopi
nghewould
hel
pme.i nsteadhehuggedme.Si zwei
sjustabal
l
ofenergyandnoi se.Hewaltzedi
n,

“
Sur
ebr
a,”Mandl
agr
eet
edhi
m.

“Bhut
’Si
zwe,
hey,”Ihuggedhim.Andobvi
ousl
y,he
camewithaslabofchocolat
e.

“Achocol
ate,f
ormychocolat
e,”hesayswit
ha
bri
ghtsmil
edecorat
inghi
sentiredemeanor
,
“wher
e’sever
yone?”

“
Theyaccompani
edPal
esat
otheshop…whoi
s
pregnantbytheway,
”trustMandl
atobr
eakt
he
newsbef or
eMzigetsthechanceto.

“
What
?!?YoumeanIam af
ather
?”

“
Palesai
smaki
ngusdaddiesboy,
”theycelebrat
ed
wit
hsomebeer
.Ther
e’sal
soalwaysalcoholinthe
f
ri
dgenow.
Il
eftthem dri
nki
nginside.I
’
m behi
ndthehouse
pondering,
Ineedtostartmaki
ngplansr
egardi
ng
nextyear.

“
Apennyforyourt
hought
s,”Il
if
tedupmyheadand
f
oundSi
zwe.“What’
sup?”

“
Likhakha,
”Isai
dunwi
ll
ingl
y.

“
Doest
hisneedme?
”hel
itaci
gar
ett
eandpuf
fed.
“
Youboysneedt
orel
ax,
no…hesentamemessage
l
astni
ght
,”

“
Whati
shesayi
ng?
”hesatnextt
omeont
hegr
ass.

“
Mar
ryme,
”Isai
dseei
ngt
het
extvi
vidl
yinmyhead.

Hechuckl
ed,
“He’
ssai
dthatbef
ore,
”

“Yeahbutthi
ngsareget
ti
ngrealnow,I
’
m 19,
besidesheisapr
incehecan’
tmar r
yme,”

“
Shit
,Ifor
gotaboutt
hat
.”Smokeescapedf
rom hi
s
mouth.

“
Andhesayshe’
sgoi
ngt
ofi
ght
,”
“
Doyouwanthi
mtof
ight
?”heasked.

“Here’
swhatIknow, Iwantt
obewi t
hhim,Iador
e
him;Idon’twanttomarryhi
m nowandImost
cert
ainlydon’twantt
obeaqueen,”Il
ookedathi
m,
“Justimagine,”

“Youneedtogot
oschool
,gr
owupanddi
scover
yoursel
f,
”
“i
tseemsnextyeari
sfar
,Ineedt
ogot
oschool
,I
don’
twantt
obeher e,
”

“
Doyouneedhel
pwi
tht
hat
?”

“
Yespl
ease,
”

“Buhl
e,youcan’
tjustgo.Tel
lhi
m atl
east
,”Pal
esa
says.
“It
hinki
fIj
ustl
eave,
ever
ythi
ngwi
llbel
esspai
nful
,
”
Isai
d.

“
Soyou’
rej
ustgoi
ngt
opackupandgo…”

“
Pal
esa,
Wedon’
tst
andachance…l
etmej
ust
…”

“Buhle,
”Mandl asai
dsoft
ly.Igavehim myattent
ion.
Hepoi nt
edatt hedoor
,whenIlooked,Ifound
Likhakha.Ihopehedidn’
thearme, pl
easeplease…

“Justli
kethat?
”hisvoiceistr
embling.Hehear
dme,
“Ok,”heexit
ed.Fuck!Thisismessedup.Iranaft
er
him.

“Baby,canyoujustwai
t,
”Igotahol
dofhi
sar
m,he
stoppedandfacedme.
“Wai
tforwhat?Go,
got
oKZNandl
eavemeher
e…”
heshouted.

“Li
khakha,
Ican’
tjustgi
veuponmydr
eamsf
ora
seat.I
t’
snotf
air
,”Isai
d.

“ButIl
oveyou,Il
oveyousomuch,
Iwoul
ddo
anythi
ngforyou,
”hesays.

“Thenletmegotoschool
,l
etmegr
owup,
”I
pleadedwit
hhi
m’
“
Isai
dIl
oveyou,
”

“
Ihear
dyou,
”

“
Youheardme?I
sthatal
lyouhavet
osay,
”he
l
ookedatme
“Li
khakha,
youar
eput
ti
ngal
otofpr
essur
eonme…”
Isay.
“WhydoIevenbotherwit
hyou,
fuckt
his,
”he
unl
ockedt
hecar.Iheldhi
sarm.

“Canyouj
ustcal
m down,
let
’st
alkaboutt
his”I
shout
edathi
m.

“Andtalkaboutwhat
!”hegotaggr
essi
ve,t
oo
aggressi
ve.Ihadtot
akeastepback.“
It
’sokay,
Iget
you,it
’sover
”hegotint
othecar

“Youdon’tmeanthat,
”myeyesar ewet.“
Please
don’tgo,
”Ibeggedhim.If
earwhatwi l
lhappento
myhear ti
fthi
sboydoesn’tgetoutoft
hatcarand
holdmet hi
sverysecond.

“
Fuckyou!
”hesai
danddr
oveof
f
Myhear tisfr
ozen.Idon’tknowwhattodo?Al lIcan
dorightnowi scry.Iwatchedhi
scardisappearinto
thedarkness.Imademywaybacki nsi
de;Ididn’t
wanttof acethem butIhadto.

“
Wher
eishe?
”Si
zweasked,

“Helef
t…andhmmm”Icoul
dn’
tkeepmyt
ear
sat
bay.Mzamocametomeandhuggedme.

“
Whathappened?
”Mziasked.

“Hetol
dmetogo,
hej
ustdi
dn’
twantt
oli
sten.He
sai
dit’
sover
…”

“OhBuhle,
”Palesacameupt
omewi
thherar
ms
open,
Iindulged.
“
So,
what
’st
hepl
anf
ort
omor
row?
”Si
zweasked.

“We’
rel
eavingt
omor r
ow.Ihaveto…”Isni
ff
ed.
Pal
esastar
tedcryi
ng.Whatthehel
l?

“
Babe,whyar
eyoucr
ying?
”Mzi
asked.Isatdown
wit
hher.

“Iknowthesetwoloveeachother
.Imagi
neifwe
brokeuplove?Iwouldn’
tbeablet
osurvi
ve…”she
sobs.

“
Butwear
etoget
herPal
e,
”hesays

“
Butj
usti
magi
nebabe,
”

“
I’
m sosor
ryBuhl
e,
”Ihadt
ocomf
ortoveremot
ional
Palesa.Shecri
eswhenshel aughs,shecri
eswhen
she’shappy.Shelit
eral
lycri
esever yt
ime.Thelast
ti
meImadedumpl i
ngsshecr i
edandsai dthatshe
hadn’thadthem i
nawhi le.Iwalkedoutwhileshe
wascr yi
ngandcal l
edherboyf r
iend.Nowshe’s
cryi
ngoversomet hingshehadt oimagine.
I’
ml eavi
ngtomor rowforKZNwithSizwe.Iwon’tlet
heartbreakorLikhakhastopmefrom reachingmy
dreams.Ihaveal otIneedtoachi
eveinlife.Iwon’t
l
ieithurts,
Ifeelli
kecall
inghi
m andtel
lhimt hatI’
m
sorry.Buti
t’
sokay…I ’
veseenworse.

[
01/
05,
13:
47] : ENTRY49

HEARTSCANBREAK.YES,HEARTSCANBREAK.
SOMETI
MESITHINKITWOULDBEBETTERI FWE
DIEDWHENTHEYDID,BUTWEDON’T:St
ephen
Ki
ng
“
So,you’
rer
eal
lydoi
ngt
his,
”Mzi
sai
d,“
Youar
e
l
eavi
ng?”

“Mzipl easedon’tdothis,
Iwantt osorteveryt
hing
outbef oreImovet herepermanent l
y.School,
a
placetost ayeveryt
hing.AndIalsoneedal i
tt
le
break.IfIcangetapl acethenI’
lljuststayt
here
untilschoolstar
tsnextyear,”

“
What
?”heexcl
aims.“
Wedi
dn’
tdi
scusst
hat
,”

“Becauseyouweregoi
ngt
oactli
kethi
s,”Isay
l
ookingatmysel
finthemi
rr
or.Heisst
anding
againstt
hedoor
,

“
Likehow?
”hesays,

“
LikeI
’
m goi
ngtodi
eorsomet
hing.Youguysnever
l
etmedoanythi
ng,
”Isay.
“Si
spromisemeyouwi
llcal
l,
dayandni
ght
,”he
bentdownbefor
eme.

“WhennoworwhenImovetherepermanent
ly?
”I
placedmyhandsonhi
sshoul
ders.

“
Themi
nut
eyougeti
ntot
hatcar
,”hesmi
led.

“Fi
ne,
”Iki
ssedhi
sfor
ehead.Si
zwei
sher
e,he
shout
edoutmyname.

“
Shal
lwe,
”hesays.

“
Weshal
l,
”Isay.

“
Youlookni
ce,
”hesays.I
’
m weari
ngblackl
eggi
ngs,
abl
acktur
tl
eneckandmyblackandwhit
evanz.
“
Thankyou,
let
’sgo,
”

Sizwe’
sf r
iendwillbecomingwi thus, t
hey’
llbe
assist
ingeachot herwit
hthedr i
ving.Sizwegets
ti
redquicklyandIcan’tdri
ve.Plus;theguyi sway
toofondofhi scar.Mybrothersaresadandsoam I ,
butthi
ngshavet ohappen.Lifehast ochangein
onewayort heother.We’
realloutsidesayingnever
endinggoodbyes.

“Buhl
e,”Whatishedoinghere?Hecameoutoft
he
carfl
ying.Hisdr
iverManuel
ishere.“
Weneedto
tal
k,“
hesai d

“
Sor
rychi
ef,
wewerej
ustaboutt
oleave.Bad
t
imi
ng,
”Si
zwesai
d.

“I
’
mt al
kingtoher!
”heshouted,“
2minutesBuhl
e,
pl
ease”heloweredhi
svoice,hewentdownonone
knee.
“
Whatar
eyoudoi
ng?
”Isai
dundermybr
eat
h.
“Marryme,”hesaid.Thatisthemostbeaut i
fulri
ngI
haveeverseen, “
IloveyouandIdon’ twanttoli
ve
withoutyou.Myhear tcoul
dneversur vi
vethat,
”
Sizwedraggedhi mtohisfeet,
Likhakha’sdri
ver
quicklyt
ookonhi sbodyguarddut i
es.Hehadagun
pointedatSizwe.

“
Handsof
f,
”Manuelsai
d.

“
Sizwe,
leavehi
m,”Isai
d.

“She’s19,
howcanyouaska19- year-
oldt
omar r
y
you?”Whyi sSizwemoremessedupaboutthi
s
thananyoneelse.I
ncl
udingmysel
f.Butwhatwas
Likhakhat
hinki
ngthoughcomingtomyhousewi t
h
ri
ng?
“
Sizwe,
letmehandl
ethi
s,
”Mzisai
dcal
mly.

“Mzi,
pleaset
alkt
oherbr
a.Tel
lhert
ost
ay,
”he
beggedhim.

“Baby,letmet alkyourealqui
ck,
”hetookhim asi
de.
I’
mj ustfrozen.Idon’tknowwhattosay.Mzicame
backt ome.“ Sis,Idon’
twanttot
ellhi
mt ogowhen
youhaveot herplansinmind.Whatdoyouwantto
do?”hesai d.

“
Idon’
tknow,
”Isay.Li
khakhaisjustst
andingt
her
e
l
ooki
ngatme.Thisissoself
ishofhimthough.

“Doyouwantt
omarr
yt hi
sguy?”Ifyes,
I’
llcal
lhi
m
overher
eandwe’
l
lal
ltalkaboutt
his”

“Thi
sismadness,howcanyoubegi
vingher
opti
ons.She’
snotmarr
yinghi
m,per
iod!
”Mzamo
saysbehi
ndme.

“Bafoyi
bambenj
ekancinci
,kuthet
hamnangoku,”
(Brot
her
,hol
donjustasecond.I’
mt al
kingnow)Mzi
says.

Whatifbysayi ngnoI '

m makingt hebiggestmi stake
ofmyl i
fe.ButIcan'tsayyesandgi veuponbei ng
superwoman.I '
vealwayswant edt obe
superwomansi nceIfoundIwassmar t.Ican'tl
et
herdienow...I
'
vecomet ofar.I
'vebeent hroughal ot
andIneedt obepr oudofonet hingaboutmysel f,
andthatwoul dbet ogetmyl awdegr eeandbet he
fi
rstt
ogr aduateathome.Super womanhasbeen
putonhol dforwayt oolong.It
st i
meshecamet o
l
ife.

"Ican'tdothis,getri
dofhim,”Iwenti
nsi
de.I
alwaysgot odad’sroom whenthi
ngsgetoutof
control.Idon’twanttoseehim dr
ivi
ngawayhurt.
ButIt hinki
tsbetterithur
tsnowthanlat
erbecause
event
ual
lywewer
ebot
hgoi
ngt
ohur
t.Badl
y.
Icouldhearf
idget
ing,
itseemsl i
keLikhakhais
i
nsidethehouseandbywhatI ’
m heari
ng,they’
re
tr
yingtoconvi
ncehimt oleave.

“
Nobuhl
e!”hecal
ledme.

Itol
dMzitogetri
dofhi
m…hestart
edknocki
ng.
“Babe,
pleaset
alkt
ome,pl
ease”

“
Babyj
ustgobr
a,”It
hinkt
hat
’sMandl
a.

“
Mandl
a,”Ical
led.

“
I’
m her
e,I
’
mli
steni
ng,
”hesai
dbehi
ndt
hedoor
.

“
Letmet
alkt
ohi
m,f
rom t
hatsi
de,
”
“
Buhl
e,
”that
’shi
m

“Tal
k.I’
ml i
steni
ng,”Isaidt
ryi
ngt osoundstrong
andbrave.Likethere’snot
earsfall
ingfr
om my
eyes.Li
kemyhear tisn’
tbr
eaki
ngever ysecondI
hearhisvoice.
“Youcan’ tleavemeher e,
”he’spanting.“Wesai d
we’ dfigurei toutt ogether,
”Iopenedmymout hin
attemptt ospeakbuti t’
slikethere’
sahugebal li
n
myt hroatbl ocki ngmyvoi cefrom makingt hewor ds
I’
mt hinki
ngr eal.“You’recryi
ng,Iknow, opent he
door .Letmej ustholdyou, ”howdoest hisboyknow
I’
m cr ying.Igavei n,Iopenedt hedoorandf ound
him st andingt here,
sweat i
ngandl ookingamess
from thegr abbi ngandshovi ngandever ything.

“Idon’tl
ikewhatisgoingonLikhakha,
Idon’tl
ikei
t
atall
,”Isaid.Oh!sonowIcant al
k.Hecamei nand
thenshutt hedoorbehindhi
m.Hegotcl osert
ome.
“We…youcan’tl
eave,
”hewhispered.Ij
usthugged
him andcr
ied.“
I’
m sor
ry,
”hesaid.

Afterali
tt
lewhil
eofholdi
ngeachotheri
ndad’sbed,
Idecidedtospeak.Isawi
tuptomet obreakt
he
si
lence.Hekeptkissi
ngmyforehead.

“
Likhakha,
”Isai
d.

“
Nobuhl
e,
”

“
Ihavet
ogo,
”

“
Iknow,”Il
ookedathi
m.Icoul
dtel
lhewashur
ti
ng,
we’
rethesamekindofbr
oken.

“
Iloveyou,
”Isai
d.Het
ookmyhandandki
ssedi
t.
“
Met
ooBuhl
e,met
oo”

“ki
ssme, ”Isai
d.Hedid,hekissedmelikeitwasthe
l
astt i
mebecausei nact
ualfact,i
twas.Somehow
howhemanagedt ogethimselfontopandbet ween
myl egs.Hestoppedandlookedatme.“ Thankyou,
”
Isaid.

“
Yougoandbeal
awyer
,”hesays.

“Andyougoandbeachi
ef,
”Ismi
led.Myhear
tis
breaki
ng…

“i
nacountof3l et
’sbothsayi t
’soversother
ewon’t
beanyfingerpointi
ng,especial
lywhenyouwantt o
getbacktogether,
”Ichuckled.Sil
lyboy.“
123, ”

“
It
’sover
”webot
hsai
d.Iki
ssedhi
m.
“
Younglady,
iti
sover
,”hesayski
ssi
ngmeagai
n.“
I
l
oveyou,
”

“
Howmuch?
”Iasked.

“Idon’
tknow,Ican’tmeasure,
”welookedateach
other,
Ikeptcaressi
nghisface,t
heviewlooks
beauti
fulf
rom downhere.

“
IloveyouBaby,
”hesmi
led.

“Cl
oseyoureyesandcountt
oten,
”heki
ssedme
agai
nasIclosedmyeyes.

“123,”Icoul
df eelhisweightslowlyli
fti
ng.“456” ,
myvoi cei
strembling.Iknowhe’ sbythedoornow.
“789”hemi ghtbeoutnow.Icoul dfeelmyt ears
sli
dingtomyear s.“10”whenIopenedmyeyest he
doorwasjustshut t
ingcompletely.Icoul
dn’teven
catchagl i
mpseofhi m.Icover edmymout htotry
anddecr easethevol umeofmycr y.Ij
ustl
aidthere
sti
llonmybackt ryi
ngt ostopmysel ff
rom cr
ying.I
believei
nt hi
sposi t
ion,especiall
ywhenI ’
m crying.
i
tgi vest
hei l
lusi
ont hatmyt earsf al
lbacki
nsidemy
eyesandt henr i
ghtbacki ntomyhear t
.Orwher ever
tearsdwell.Mybr other
swal kedi n.
“Idon’twantt
ofeell
ikethi
s,whydoesmyhear thurt
sobad? ”Isai
dinthemiddleofcr
ying.Mandl
at ook
Likhakha’
sspotnexttome.

“
Youlovehim?”Mziasked.Inodded.“
Ifthat
’st
rue
t
henyou’l
lfi
ndyourwaybackt oeachother,
”

Thetr
ipt
oKZNwascancel l
ed,agai
n.Ineedtobe
wit
hmybr ot
her
s.Theyknowhowt omakemef eel
bet
ter
.Myphoneisvibr
ati
nginmypocket.It
’sacal
l.

“
HELLO,
”Ipi
cked.
“
HELLO,MAYIPLEASESPEAKTOMSNOBUHLE
MQOKELI,
”thel
adysays.

“IAM CALLI
NGYOUONBEHALFOFTHE
UNIVERSITYOFKWA-
ZULUNATAL,
”shesays.

“
OKAY,
”

“
WEWOULDLIKETOOFFERYOUAPLACEATOUR
I
NSTI
TUTI
ON,
”

“WHATDOYOUMEAN?IWASACCEPTED.I
’
LLBE
COMINGDOWNTHERETOFI
XEVERYTHINGFOR
NEXTYEAR,
”

“WEWANTTOPAYFORYOURFEES,
ACCOMODATI
ONEVERYTHING,
WEREADABOUT
YOUANDDISCOVEREDTHATYOUWANTTO
STUDYHEREWI
THUS,BUTIWASNOTAWARE
THATYOUHADAPPLI
EDANDGOTIN,
”

“HOW ABOUTYOUGIVETHATOFFERTOONEOF
THEGIRLSTHATWASABUSED,IKNOW ONE
THATCANAPPRECIATEIT?
”

“WELL,I
…ICAN’
TDOTHAT,
THEY’
RENOTYOU,
”
shestut
ter
s.

“I
’
LLACCEPTTHEOFFERTOSTUDY,BUTI’
llBE
PAYINGFORMYOWNFEES.IWILLBETHERE
TOMORROW WITHMYBROTHER,”mybr
other
l
ookedatmepuzzl
ed.

“THEPLACEI
SYOURS.IWILLBEEXPECTI
NGYOU
TOMORROW,”shesays.

“
WHOMUSTIASKFOR?
”
“
THANDINDLOVU,
”

“OK,
IWI LLSEEYOUTOMMOROW NOON, ”Isai
d
andendedthecal
l.“
Ineedt
oleavenow,
”Isaid.

“
Now?
”Mzamoexcl
aimed.

“Yes,Sizwe,
”Ifoundhi
mint
hel
ivi
ngr
oom.“
Let
’s
go,callyourguy,
”

“
Buhl
e,i
t’
sal
most19:
00”Pal
esasays,

“
Iknow!Bhut
icanwegopl
ease,
”Ii
nsi
sted.

“Letmecheckwi t
ht hi
sguy,”hetookhi sphoneand
startedscr
oll
ingt
hroughit.Ist
artedgatheri
ngmy
things.Myphone,chargerever
ything.aft
er30
minutesorso,t
heguywasher
e,readyandhyped.
Heknowshe’ sget
ti
nggoodmoney.Wesaidour
goodbyes.

“Bhut
i,Iwi
llbebacki
nafewdays,
”Isai
dtoMzamo
whowashol dingmesot
ightt
hatIcoul
dhar
dly
breat
he.

“Pr
omisemeyouwillcallever
ysecondoftheday
andyouwil
lbecar
eful.Don’tt
alktost
ranger
sand
donotgoanywher
ewi thoutSizwe.Weclear
?”he
sai
d.

“Ipr
omise,
”Iunderstandt hei
rfear.Ihavenever
goneanywhere.I’
veal waysbeenher ewiththem.
NowsuddenlyI’m goingtoanot herprovi
ncewithout
anyofthem,i
t’
sahugel eapoff ait
hthem.

“
Whycan’
tIgowi
thyou?
”heasked.
“
Becauseyouwi
llholdmyhandt heenti
reti
me, you
won’
tletmebeabiggir
l,nei
therofyouwil
l”Igot
i
ntot
hecarandclosed.

“Si
zwe,ar
eyouloaded?”Mzi
asked.Thatmeans
doeshehaveagunwi t
hhim.

“
Yep,
”hewavedhi
sgunoutf
orMzi
tosee.

“
Andwhataboutyourguy,
what
’shi
sname?
”-Mzi

“
Svi
we,
”hespokef
orhi
msel
f.“
Simoj
a,”(
We’
regood)

"Youbr
ingmysi st
erbackSi
zwe,
"Mzamoshout
ed
aswedr oveof
f.

Thi
sisi
t.Wewer
eof
f.
[
01/
05,
13:
47] : ENTRY50

IHAVEACCEPTEDFEARASPARTOFLIFE–
SPECI
FICALLYTHEFEAROFCHANGE…IHAVE
GONEAHEADDESPITETHEPOUNDINGINMY
HEARTTHATSAYS:TURNBACK.
:
Eri
caJong

Thisisgoi
ngt obeonehel lofari
de.I’minthe
backseatwithablanketandapi l
low,hadtomake
myselfcomf or
tabl
e.I’
m sohappyIcan’ tseemy
houseanymor eoranythingthatremindsmeofmy
l
ife.ButImissmybr othersalr
eady.Speakofthe
devil
,acallf
rom Mzamo.

“
MZAMOWETHU,
”Isai
d
“
PLEASEBESAFE,
PLEASE”

“I
’
M WITHSI
ZWE,
ICAN’
TGETANYSAFERTHAN
THAT,
”

“
DOYOUSTI
LLREMEMBERKHANYA?
”

“YEAH,
THEONEYOUWEREDROOLI
NGOVER
THATDAY”

“COMEONNOW,
I’
M TAKI
NGHEROUT
TOMORROW,
”

“OHTHAT’
SWONDERFUL!WHEREAREYOU
TAKI
NGHER?”

“
IDON’
TKNOW,
THAT’
SWHYICALLED.HELPME”
“TAKEHERTOTHERIVER.LI
KHAKHAANDIHAVE,
WELLHADASPOTTHERE, PI
CKYOUROWNAND
JUSTHAVEAPICNI
C,”

“
THAT’
SACTUALLYNOTABADI
DEAATALL.

“WEARYOURBLACKJEANSWI
THDAD’
SBLUE
SHIRT,
”

“
THANKSSI
S,LETMETALKTOSI
ZWE,
”

“OKTELLMEHOW I
TGOES,
”Ihandedt
hephone
overt
oSizwe.

“SI
ZWEHERE,
”hel
aughed.“
IGOTYOUMZAMO,
RELAX,
”
Ifel
lasl
eep,whenIwokeupSizwewasdr
ivi
ng.I
seetheyboughtf
ood,butI
’
m noti
nthemoodfor
foodanyway.Si
viwei
seati
ngandSizwei
ssmoking.

“Youhungr
y?”Si
zweaskedwhenhenot
icedIwas
awake.

“
I’
m okay,
thankyou”Isai
d.

“Nobuhler i
ght?
”Sivi
wesays.Hestretchedhishand
tothebacksoIcoul dshakeit
.Iobl
iged.Inodded.
“I’
m Sivi
we,”headds.We’vebeeninthiscar
togetherforabout3hoursatl
eastandwe’ r
eonly
speakingnow.

“Ni
cetomeetyou,
”Ismil
ed.Hehasdreadsanda
gol
dtoot
h.Whenhewasdr i
vingInot
icedt
hathe
hasatat
toocover
inghi
senti
rearm.
“You’
real
lovermyFacebook,
“hesai
dandt
ooka
bit
eofhisburger
.“Youdi
dn’
ttel
lmewewer
e
t
ravel
ingwit
hacelebri
ty,
”hesayst
oSi
zwe.Si
zwe
l
aughed.I
tstar
teddri
zzli
ng.

“
Buhl
e,pl
easeeat
,”Si
zwebegged.

“
Iwi
ll
,I
’mj
ustnothungr
ynow,
”Isai
d.

“
Ifyourbrot
hercal
lsnow,hewon’tbepleased.He
mightevenkil
lme,
”hesaystr
yingtoconvinceme
t
oeat.Andhei snotl
ying,
Mzamoi sjusti
nsane.

“
Ok,
I’
m oni
t…”

“Buhle,wakeup,”Iopenedmyeyes.Di dIl
it
erall
y
sleepthroughoutthist
rip?Ir
eall
yhaven’
tenjoyed
sleepinawhi l
e.Iguesst hei
deaofknowingthatI’
m
farfr
om t hepl
aceIf el
tpaingavemepeace.Ifin
anywaymybr otherscouldbeheret
oexperience
thismomentwi thme, I’
dbesohappy.“We’r
eher e”
.
Isatupst r
aight,Ilookedatmyphoneandt het i
me
was3: 40.Thel astthi
ngIrememberwaspeei ngon
thesideofther oadbecauset herewerenot oi
lets
nearby.NowI ’
mi nKZN, t
heairsmell
sdi f
ferentand
i
tfeelsdiff
erentonyourski n.It
’swarm andal i
ttl
e
thi
ckcompar edtot heai
rbackathome.

“
We’
reher
e,’
Isai
dshut
ti
ngt
hedoorbehi
ndme.

“
Wel
comet
oDur
ban,
”Si
zwesai
d.

“Nj
ayami ,nj
ayami,
”(Mydawg!)sai
dthi
sguywho
j
ustwalkedoutoft
hegateapproachi
ngSizwewi
th
suchenthusi
asm.Theyhugged.

“Buhle,
thisi
smyf r
iendSi
busiso,
”Ihaveanuncle
namedSi busi
so.Heisastupi
dman;Ihopet hati
s
notthecaseforthi
syoungman.“Sbu,mylit
tle
sist
erNobuhle,
”
“
Hell
o,”Il
etoutmyhandforafri
endl
yshakebut
t
hisboycamei nf
orahug,“Ok,
ahugiti
s”

“
I’
m sor
ry,
I’
m ahugger
,”

“
That
’scool
,
”

“Sizwe,I
’
llseeyoutomorr
ow,”Si
viwedroveoff
.I
thoughthewasstayingwit
hus,butIsupposehe
knowspeopl eher
e.

Theelevat
orri
dewasn’tpleasant
,itgotstuck
hal
fwayinbetweenfloorsbutSbut ol
dust onot
pani
c,I’
m guessi
ngthisisnormal.Itdi
dn’tsmel
l
pl
easanteit
herbutI
’
mj ustgl
adI’
m her e.

“Soyou’
ret
ell
ingmethatt
hisisyourl
it
tl
esi
ster
dawg?”SbusaystoSi
zwe.I’
m walki
ngbehi
ndthem
car
ryi
ngapl
ast
icwi
thl
eft
over
sandmybackpack.

“
Don’
tevent
hinkabouti
t,I
’
m wat
chi
ngyouSbu,
”

“Khul
uleka,
Igotyou.That
’sanogoar ea…”(
Rel
ax)
helookedbackatmesoIl ookedatt
hef l
oor
.

“Yeahdon’
teventhi
nkaboutt
hatarea,
”Sizwesays.
Thedudelookedbackatmeagain,
thisti
meIdidn’t
l
ookaway,Ilookedathi
mtoo.

“Holdon,
”hestopped.“You’
reNobuhle,
”hesays
enthusi
ast
ical
lyso.“Shi
tdawg.She’sNobuhlethe
girl
…theBNLgi r
l”wow,theyevenknowmet his
side.

“Yes,
it’
sher
.It
oldyou;Isai
dthi
sismysi
ster
Nobuhle,
”
“
Youdi
dn’
tsayi
twasBNLNobuhl
e,
”

“Welli
t’
sher …”Sizwesayswithnotacar ei
nthe
worl
dbecauset ohim,Iam sti
llj
ustNobuhl
e.They
aret
alkingaboutmel i
keI’m nothere.I
’
m standi
ng
ri
ghtinfrontofthem.

“Wel
lIseet
hatnow.Heycoul
dwet akesome
sel
fi
esonceyou’
rer
ested?
”helookedatme.

“Akhongxaki,
singafot
a,”(
Noproblem,wecantake
pict
ures)Isay.Ithi
nkit
’sthel
eastIcandoforhi
m.

“Eish,Xhosa…sexy”hesaidtohimselfashe
continuedwalki
ng.SizweandIf oll
owed.He
stoppedinf r
ontofacloseddoor .I
’m guessing
that’
shim.Heopenedandal lowedmei nf i
rst.I
t’
s
clean;youcantellhecleanedbecausepeopl ewer e
comi ng.I
t’
snotbigbutt oosmallforthreepeople.
ButI ’
m abeggerandappar entl
yIcan’tbeachooser .
Thebedroom,kit
chenareal
linoneplace,
ther
e’s
al
soat woseatercouchi
nthesamespace.I’m
guessi
ngdownt hepassageyou’
llf
indthe
bathr
oom andtoil
et.

“I
t’
snotf
ancybutit
’smi
nesomakeyour
sel
vesat
home,
”saidSbu.

“
Thi
sisper
fect
,thankyou…”Isai
d.

“Wegotabi gdaytomorr
ow,weneedtorestal
it
tl
e,”
Sizwesays.WellIr
est
edenoughinthecar
;Ihope
I’
l
lbeabletosleepher
e.“Youcanchangei
nthe
bathr
oom,”

“I
t’
srightdownthepassage,
”Sbupointedmetothe
dir
ecti
onoft hebat
hroom.Iqui
ckl
ychangedintomy
pajamas.“Youtwocantakethebed,
I’l
ltaket
he
couch.
”You’
renothungr
yar
eyoumami
,
”mami
,I
’m
guessi
ngthat’
sme.

“
Ohnothankyou,butwesti
llhavesomesnacksi
n
t
hepl
asti
cifyouwant,
”Isay.

“
I’
llsor
tthatoutt
omor
row,
”

Andt heni twasl ightsout.Iam inKZN, t

hisiswhat
I’
veal wayswant ed.Letmecal m downandt akeit
alli
n.not hingbadi sgoi
ngt ohappen,Si
zwei shere.
Everyt hingi sasi tshoul
dbe.Myphonevi brated
undert hepi ll
ow, Ihadputi tonsil
entanddisabled
allalarms.Idon’ twanttodi st
urbthem.Especial
ly
Sizwe, hedi dn’tsleepawi nkandi t
’sal
most
mor ning.Mandl aiscall
ing.

“
BHUTIWAM,
”(Mybr
other
)It
ri
edt
ospeakasl
owl
y
asIpossi
blycoul
d.

“
WHATAREYOUDOI
NGNOW?
”heasked.

“WEJUSTSWI
TCHEDOFFTHELI
GHTS.WE’
RE
SLEEPI
NGNOW…”

“
WHERE’
SSI
ZWE?
”heasked.

“
RIGHTNEXTTOME,
”

“OKAY, YOULISTENTOHI M OKAY, HEKNOWS

EVERYTHI NG.”Mandl aneedstounderstandthatI
am olderthanhim andmebei ngagirldoesnot
canceloutthefactthatIam ol
derthanhim, bya
wholeyear .

“
OKAYIWI
LL,
IPROMI
SE.SLEEPNOW…”
“YEAH, WE’
LLALLSLEEPNOW.WEMI
SSYOUSIS.
..
YOU’ VENEVERBEENSOFARAWAYFROM US,
”he
sighed.

“IMI
SSYOUALL,
ALOT.BUTYOUKNOW INEED
TODOTHISRI
GHT?”

“IUNDERSTAND,
I’
M JUSTTRYI
NGTOADJUST.
LISTEN,
SLEEPOKAY…ILOVEYOUBUHLE,
”

“ILOVEYOUCLOWN”hechuckl ed.Icoul
dn’
thear
him br
eat
hinganymor
e.Al
lIheardwasabeeping
sound.

Ican’tbeli
evemybrothersst
ayedupuntilIar
rived.
It
s4: 39,Ineedtocl
osemyeyes.Ilookedat
Likhakha’sprof
il
epict
ureonWhatsAppandi t
’sstil
l
me.I t’
sbeenmef orthepast2or3weeks.Ishoved
myphoneundermypi l
lowandthenlai
donmyback.
LikeIsai d,Ibel
ieveinthisposi
ti
on,mythought
sare
fl
owi ngf reel
y,I
’m breathi
ngsmoothl
yand
everythingi sj
ustper f
ect.

I’
m wokenupbynoi se.Sizweisnotnextt
ome, Sbu
i
sal sonotinthecouch.Coul
dhebeout si
deinthe
noise?Itr
iedtoopenbutIdiscover
editwaslocked.
Whyt hehellwoul
dt heyl
ockmei nhere?Ibanged
ont hedoorandSizweopened.Thankgoodness,

“
MorningNobuhle,
”Sbushout
edf
rom out
side,
t
her
e’s2newf aces.

“
HeySbu”Igr
eet
edback.

“I’
m afanhey,If
oll
owyouonI nst
agram,”oneof
them sayswit
hapolishedEngl
ishaccent.Theot
her
onewaved.
“Hey,thankyou.”Isai
dthent
urnedmyat t
enti
on
backonSi zwe.Hesmel l
sandlooksni
ce.“You
bathed?”Iasked.

“Yeah,bathandeatsowe’ l
lgetgoing,”hesays.
“There’
ssconesandmi lk,
”heshutt hedoorand
wentbackt otheguysoutside.Iseetheywentt o
thestore,Iseeaplasti
cf r
om sparont het able.
There’sai
r ti
meandt wochocol at
eslabsont opof
mybag.Si zweisasweethear t.Isti
llhaveoneof
hischocolatesinthefr
idgebackathome.Idor ecal
l
seeingashoppi ngcenterlookingli
kebuildingwhen
wear ri
ved.It’
salit
tl
efurtherupifI’
m notmi staken.

“At9:
16Iwasr eady.Iknockedandheopened
i
mmedi atel
y.Ihaveonagr eyof ftheshoulderst
ight
fi
tt
ingdresswithaslitont heleftandIwor ethat
withawhi t
eAll
-st
ar.Iallowedmyst r
aightupto
hangasopposedt ogat heringitintoabun
“
Yousai
dshe’
syoursi
sterbr
o?”oneguysays.

“
Yeahandthat’
sanogoar
ea,
asksSbu,
”Si
zwe
l
ockedandhandedt
okeyt
oSbu.

“Buhle,youpromisedmeasel fie,
”hecameupt o
mewi t
hhisphoneal r
eadyoncamer a.Wet ooka
fewsel f
iesandthenhisfr
iendst ookouttheir
phones.Nextt hi
ngtherewasabunchofnewf aces
allar
oundmewant ingtotakeasel fi
eorahug.
Sizwel i
ter
all
ycarri
edmet otheel evat
or.Ididn’
t
knowt hatthi
sBNLt hingwast hisseri
ous.We
foundSi vi
wedownst ai
rswaiti
ngf orus.

ThedrivetoUKZNdi dn’ttakethatl ong.Icouldeven

walktoschoolifIgetapl acenear by.Ididn’tthink
aboutthefactthatpeopl eknowIwasr apedwhenI
wascomi ngher e,i
nf actIdidn’tevent hinkabout
BNL.NowI ’m notsocomf or
tablewi ththis…being
rapedisnotani cething,Isuddenl yf eelexposed.
ButIhavetosucki tup;Idon’ thavet hetimetobea
pussy.Peopl ewer elooki ngatus, most l
yme.Some
tookpictureswithoutmyper missi
on.They’re
l
ooking,poi nt
ingandt alking.Sizwewashol dingmy
handt heent i
reti
meandt hathelpedal i
tt
lewi ththe
nerves.Iwonderi fI’l
leverhavef ri
endsher e.Isaw
agirlsit
tingbyher self,forsomer easonwemade
eyecont act.Shesmi l
edatmeandIsmi led
back…maybeshe’ llbemyf ri
end.Wef inall
yf ound
therecept i
on.Afterwal kingar oundandaski ng
someoft hestudent s.Wef oundacol oredlady
chatti
ngt hedayawayont hephonewi thaper son
call
edGi na.Themi nuteshesawussher ant hrough
thedoorbehi ndher .

Thedooropenedagain,shecameoutandbehi
nd
herwasabi gl
ady.Shewaschewingwhat’
slef
tof
whatevershewaseati
ngbeforeshewasdi
stur
bed,
notr
udelyIhope.

“Nobuhl
e,i
t’
sThandiNdlovu,pl
easecomethrough,
”
sheleadusint
oanoffi
ce.It’
snicel
yvent
il
atedbuti
t
couldbeneat
er.Shel
etoutherhandforshaki
ng,
I
obli
ged.“
Nicetofi
nal
lyseeyouinper
son,”

“Nicetofi
nall
ymeetyoutoo,
”hereyeswonder
edto
Sizwe.“Thi
sismybrotherSi
zwe,
”theyshookhands
withSizwe.

“I
sheMziorMzamo…hel
ookst
oool
dtobeSi
zwe,
”
shesays.

“No,hei
sjustSizwe.Mzi
,MzamoandMandl
aar
e
backathome,”she’
spryi
ng.

“
Okay,
hei
syourbr
otheryousay?
”sheconf
ir
ms.

“
That
’swhatIsai
d.Mybr
other
,”

“
Nicet
omeetyou,
”Si
zwesai
d.
Aftersomesmal ltal
k,shewasexpl aini
ng
somet hi
ngtomeandt ell
ingmet hatwhenI
offi
cial
lyst
artstudyi
ngIshoul djustconcent
rat
eon
thatandforgetaboutboys.Appar ent
lymanygirl
s
quitschoolbecauseofpr egnancy.

“Letmer emi ndyouagai n,weatUKZNar ewi l

li
ngto
giveyouaf ul lbur
saryf ortheyear sthatyouwi llbe
studyingwi thus.Wewoul dr eal
lylovetoassi styou,
andyouneedt osaveever ypennyyouget …looking
atyoursi tuationbackhome”Shesayswi thaf ormal
tone.Sizwegotannoyed;Icoul dseei talloverhis
face.Whatt hehel ldoessheknowaboutmy
situati
onbackhome?Hepl acedt hebaghewas
car r
yingont opofhert able.Unzippedi tandt hen
cleanedi toutonhert able.Cashwasf all
ingout ,
pur enotes.Cl eanandf r
eshlycut…sheexcl ai
med.
I’
m notsur ewhet hertheamountofmoneymade
herpani cort hegunt hatfell
outwi ththecash.
“
Howmuch?
”Si
zweasked.

SizweandIcameoutl
aughi
ngathowper
plexed
shewas.

“
Shehassomener
vedoesn’
tshe,
”Isai
d.

“Iwant
edt
ogi veherapieceofmymind,
”wef
ound
Sivi
weout
sidesti
llwai
ti
ngf orus.

“
Ever
ythi
ngsor
ted?
”heasked.

“
Schoolissor
ted,
thankst
oBNL,
”Isai
dput
ti
ngon
myseatbel
t.

“
What
’snextnow?
”Si
zweasks.

“
I’
dappr
eci
atesomei
ce-
cream,
”Isay.Event
hough
thesunisnotout
,it
’sst
il
lhotashel
l.I
t’
llt
akeme
sometimetogetusedtothiswhet
her.

“
Youri
ce-
cream i
sourbeer
,”sai
dSi
viwe.

“Onei
ce-
cream,andtwobeer
scomi
ngup!
”Si
zwe
sangasSi
viwedroveof
f.

[
01/
05,
13:
48] : ENTRY51

QUI
CKDECI
SIONSAREUNSAFEDECI
SIONS.
-
Sophocl
es

Ithi
nkaboutLikhakhaal
otbecauseIlovehim.He’s
l
ikeashadowatt hebackofmyhead.Evenwhen
I’
m nott
hinki
ngabouthimintent
ionall
y,hei
sthere.
Mysubconsciousisawareofhisexist
enceinsi
de
me.I ’mj ustwonder i
nghowt hi
ngswoul dhavebeen
hadIsai dyes, andwhatifhei stheonef orme?I
stronglybel ievehei s.Butt henagai n,hecoul dbe
theonebef oret heone.Likei nthemovi es;t her e’
s
alwayst hatguyweal lbelieveist heoneunt ilthe
realtheoneshowsup.MaybeLi khakhai smy‘ t
he
onebef oret heone’.InHLOMUTHEWI FE, Mqhel e
wast hef i
rstguyHl omueverhadsexualr elat ions
withandheendedupbei ngt heone, shoul dn’ tthat
bet hecasef orme.Hl omuwas23whenshehad
sexwi t
hhi m, maybeIshoul dhavewai t
edunt ilI
was23…butt henagai n,
Hl omuwasneverr aped.
Or…t hereisal waysthator;maybei nt hi
scase
LikhakhaandIar enotHlomuandMqhel e.Maybe
we’ r
eNkosanaandZandi l
e.I twouldmakeeven
mor esensebecauseNkosanawasmyf avour iteof
theZul ubr ot hers.

InthecaseofNkosanaandZandile;Zandi
lewasin
pri
sonf orsomeyear
sandwhenshehadser vedher
sentence;sheandNkosanaevent
uallygotmarr
ied.
Maybeuni ver
sit
yist
heprisonandwhenI ’
m done
studying, wecoul dpi ckupwher ewel eftoff.That ’
s
i
fhedoesn’ tgetmar ried.Thi sismadness;l ookat
mer ambl i
ngoni nmyheadcr eatingdi ff
erent
scenar i
ost hatmakei tpossi bl
eformeand
Likhakhat obet ogether .Gosh…I ’
veal waysbeen
veryodd, haven’tI?Outofal lt
heboysbackathome
Ichoset ofallforLikhakhaNkosiLawr ence
Dalindyebo, waytogoBuhl e.Couldn’ tit
be…hmmm…Idon’ tknow, there’
st hisboyI ’ve
alwaysl iked…okay, notal waysl i
ked, Ioncel iked.Ok
fi
ne, Il
ikedhi mf ormostofmyhi ghschooll ife,but
hedi dn’tevenknowIexi sted.Mt het heleliDut ywa;
theycal l
edhi m Razer, allthegirl
sl ikedhi m andI
wasj ustageekwhogotawar dsf oracademi csand
nonef orspor t
s,soIr eal l
ydi dn’
tst andachance.

Mymom al wayssaidmyl if
ewouldbeadvent urous
onceI’
m grown;nowIgether .I
tallmakessense
now.Imeanwhot heheckam Itof allf
orapr
ince,
ournextki
ng?Ididn’tevenknowthi sguyexi
sted.
Again,
wayt ogoBuhl e.Goodcall
!
Anyway, backt oMt hetheleli,
Itri
edtomake
conversationwi thhi m once.Whathadhappened
was; wewer estucki ndet entiontoget
her.Wegot
i
ntoanar gumenti ncl assbecauseImi stakenlyt
ook
hiscalculatorthinkingitwasmi neandputitinmy
bag.Allalongmi newasi nmybag;Iapol ogizedand
tol
dhi m Ihadmadeami stake.Heaccusedmeof
beingat hief,Icall
edhi m st upid,wewerejust
arguingbackandf orthunt i
lwegotaf terschool
detenti
on.

“Ishouldbei nsoccerpracti
cenow, ”hesaid
throwinghi sbagont hedesk.Idi dn’
tsayanythi
ng
becausehewaspur poselystar
tingawarwi t
hme.
“Soyoucan’ tspeaknow, ”hecl
ickedhi st
ongue.I
gotst ar
tedwi thmyhomewor k,sowhenIgethome
Ijustcook;washt hedishesandt hensleep.He
startedkickinganempt ycanofcoke, whichwas
disturbi
ngme.

“
I’
mtr
yingt
odomyhomewor
k,youar
emaki
ngal
ot
ofnoise,”Isaid.Hedeliberat
elyi
gnoredme.
“Mthethelel
i,youaremaki ngnoise.Pl
easest
op,
”I
begged.Idon’ tbeg,Ineverbeg…butitwashi
m so…

“
Howdoyouknowmyname? ”hestoppedki
cki
ng
t
hecanandconcent
rat
edhi
sener
gyonme.

“YouareinmyEngl i
sh,hist
ory,L.Oandmat hclass.
It
’simpossibl
etonotknowyourname? ”Isaid
l
ayingmypenci lcareful
lydownsoIcangi vehim
myundi vi
dedattenti
on.Howst upidwashet hough?
Ithoughtt
omysel f.Imeanwej ustarguedi nmat h.
Buthewasst il
lcuteandi nt
riguingtolookat .

“
What
’syourname?
”Heasked.

“
Nobuhl
e,
”Isai
d.

“
Ohl
oocl
everl
a-way,
”(Thesupersmar
tone?
)
“
Yes,
thatone,
”Isai
d.Hecameandsatont
opof
t
hedeskinfr
ontofme.

“
Youst
olemycal
cul
ator
,”hesai
d.

“No,Imist
akenl
ytooki
t,It
houghti
twasmi
ne,
”I
defendedmysel
f.

“Butitwasn’
tyour
s,soyoust oleit
,”hesai
d
soundingsoproudofhimsel f
.Everythi
ngthatcame
outofhismouthwasut teredstupi
dityand
fool
ishnessati
tspurestform.

“Igavei
tbackt
oyou,will
ingl
yandvol
unt
ari
ly.What
doyoucallt
hat
?”Iasked.

“
Idon’
tknow,
you’
ret
hesmartonehere,
”hesai
d.
“
HeyhowcomeIdon’tknowyou?You’
reli
kepr
ett
y
andgeekyandever
ythi
ng.
”Hesai dIwaspr
ett
y.
Ever
ycellofmybei
ngwast wer
king.

“Youhavealotoff
ri
ends…andareyouimplyingthat
youchooseyourcompanybasedontheirphysical
appear
ance?”

“No,
I’mjustt
ryi
ngtosayIlikeyourgeekyauraand
you’
reverypr
ett
y.Justtakeacompliment…”hesai
d.
Heseemedt obepanicki
ngt her
eali
ttl
e.

“
Ok,
thankyou,
”

“SoIhavealotoff
ri
ends,
ist
hatwhywedon’
tknow
eachother
?”

“No.t
hat’swhyyoudon’ tknowmeandIknow
you…butyes,”Ipickedupmypencilandscr
ibbl
ed
onmyhi stor
yt extbook.
“Youwanttobemyf r
iend?”asf l
att
eredasIwas,
I
didn’
twanttobehisf
riend.PlusMandla,hat
edhi
s
guts.Wemadeadeal,hedoesn’ tgetwit
hNoma
andIdon’tgetwi
thMthethelel
i.

“Hmmm, yeahno,
thankyouf
ort
heof
fert
hough.
Verygener
ousofyou,
”

“
Whynot?”heseemedoffended,Igotthefeel
ing
t
hathewasn’
tusedtopeoplesaying‘no’t
ohim.

“
Idon’
tfi
twi
thyourent
our
age,
”

“That’
st r
ue.They’reli
keal lt
hewayupt here,
”he
usedhandgest urestoshowhow‘ upt her
e’his
fri
endswer e.“Andyou’ re…nooffence;youarejust
notallthewayupt here.You’rej
ustthere”he
l
iteral
lyoffendedmer ightaf t
erhesaid‘nooffence’
okIwi llt
akethat.“Whoar eyourfr
iendsanyway? ”
“
Mandl
aismyf
ri
end,
”

“
Thatcr
azyguyi
ngr
ade10?
”

“
Yes,
hei
sal
somybr
other
”Ismi
led.

“Evenhehasfri
endsbesi
desyou.Butst
ickwi
th
him.LookI
’m get
ti
ngoutofher
e…”hewenttotake
hisbag.

“Butt
here’
s30mor eminut
esl ef
t,
”Isaidt
ryi
ngto
notpani
c.Iwantedhimtostayal i
tt
lewhi
lel
onger.I
wantedt
ol i
stentohi
minsul
tingmeunknowi ngl
y.
Hetookhisbagandwentout .

“
ByeAmahl
e,
”heshout
edf
rom adi
stance.
“
It
’sNobuhl
e,
”Iwhi
sper
edt
omysel
f.

Oh!We’ r
ebackatt hefl
at.Sivi
wedr oppedusof f
andt henl ef
timmediatel
y.Theel evatorrideisonce
agai nadr agbutwemadei toutwithouti tget
ti
ng
stuckhal fwayinbetweenfloors.Whenwear ri
ved
Sbuwasn’ tther
e,sowe’restuckout side.Myphone
i
sr inging,butit
’swit
hSizwe.Hedi dn’tpickup.He
rejectedthecall.

“
Whoi
sthat
?”Iasked.

“I
twasn’tacall,
music…Ipr
essedpl
aybymist
ake”
hest
uttered.Idi
dn’
tpayatt
enti
ontothat
.Wewere
st
uckout si
deforal
mostanhour.

“I
’
m sosorryguys.Ir
eal
lyf
orgotaboutyou,
”hesai
d
unlocki
ng.
“
It
’sokay,
”Isai
d.

“I
’
m gett
ingalotofl
ikesonourpi
ctur
e…”hesays
openi
ngthefr
idge.Hecameoutwithabott
leof
ci
der,

“
Howmanyl
ikes?
”

“
700nowI
’
m sur
e,”

“
Buhl
e,whatdoyouwantt
oeat
?”Si
zweasked.

“
Anyt
hing,
I’
m coolwi
thwhat
everyouwant
,”

“Letmegetyouguyssomet hi
ng,I
’m goi
ngout ,
”Sbu
said.Si
zwegavehi m af
ewhundredRandsandhe
wasout .Igat
heredmybathi
ngthi
ngs;incl
udingmy
pajamasandt henmademywayt othebathroom.I
tookalonghotbat
h,Ineededitaf
tert
hewal
king
aroundIdi
dinthati
nsti
tut
ion.Wealsomadea
detourt
othebit
ch.
“MayIusethebat
hroom?
”Si
zweaskedwhenI
cameout.

“YeahI’m done,”hegat heredhist hingsandwentt o

bath.Iwentthroughmycal ll
og,IsawLi khakha’
s
nameatt hetopoft heli
st.There’sst i
llaheartnext
tohisname.Idon’ tr emembert alkingt ohim…I
actuall
ywant edtocal lMandl aandgoi ngtomyl ogs
i
st heeasiestwayt ocal lhi
m.Wai t…backt o
Likhakha,Hecal l
edat17: 15andIwasher ebythen
wasn’tI?Anyway, letmecal l
him back.

“HEY,
BABY,
I’
M SORRYIMI
SSEDYOURCALL,
”I
sai
d.

“
YOUDI
DN’
TMI
SSI
T,YOUREJECTEDI
T,”hesays.
“I
’
M SORRY;IDON’
TREMEMBERTHATATALL.I
T
HASBEENSUCHALONGDAY,”Isai
d.

“DON’
TWORRYABOUTIT,
IJUSTWANTEDTO
CHECKIFYOUNEEDEDMETOSENDA
BODYGUARDTHEREFORYOU,
”

“LI
KHAKHA, REALLY?”ifhewantedtosendmea
bodyguar
dhe’ dhavespokentomybr other
s.Iknow
him,anyt
hingthathastodowi t
hmysaf etyorwell
beinghediscusseswithmybrothers.

“
OKAY,IDON’
TKNOW WHYICALLED,
”hebr
eat
hed
i
nheavi
ly.

Ismil
edtomyself
,“THAT’
SVERYSWEET,
”It
hink
abouthi
m al
lthet
ime.
“ATSOMEPOI
NTWEWI LLHAVETOLETGOOF
EACHOTHER,
”hesayswi
thasombert
one.

“
IGUESS,
”Isai
d.Idon’
twantt
oletgoofhi
m.

“
WHATAREYOUDOI
NGTHERE?
”hechangedt
he
t
opi
c.

“IJUSTFI
NISHEDBATHI
NG,
WHATAREYOUUP
TOTHEREMYKI NG?”

“IHAVEAMEETI NGI NAFEW, LISTEN…ITHINK

IT’
SBESTI FWEJUSTDELETEEACHOTHER’ S
NUMBERSANDJUSTMOVEONWI THOURLI VES,
”
hesaidthatl
ikeitwassoeasyf orhim.Li
keitwas
aneverydaythi
ng;li
kewhatwehadwasj usta
gamet opasstime,l
ikeweweref ri
endswith
benef
its.Orj
ustfuckingbuddi
es…”BUHLE,”hecall
s
me.
“
YES,
IAGREEWI
THYOU…”Isai
d.

“
WELLIGUESSTHI
SISGOODBYETHEN,
”

“GOODBYE!”heendedthecal
l.I
’
m mad…I
’mf uming.
Whywasitsoeasyf orhi
mtoendthecal
l?Yes,of
cour
se,Si
zwe.Hehadmyphone.

Good,
he’
sher
e.

“I
twasLi
khakhat
hatwascal
li
ngear
li
erwasn’
tit
?”I
sai
d

“Whatar
eyout al
kingabout?”hesayst
aki
ngaseat
onthecouch.Heknowsexact l
ywhatI’
mtalki
ng
about
.Icanseeitinhiseyesandheari
tinhisvoi
ce.
“YouknowwhatI’
mt al
kingaboutbhuti
,Li
khakha
call
edear
li
erandyousaidyouaccidental
lypr
essed
playonmusic,
”

“Youwereti
red,Ijustdi
dn’
twanthim st
ressi
ng
you,”hedef
endshi msel
fandfrankl
yhisdefensei
s
veryweak.I
’m abouttopunct
ureit,

“Sowhati
fIwastir
ed?It’
smyphone,”Isai
dst
ernl
y.
Iwanthi
mt oknowthatIam madathim.

“
Ididn’
twanthimtostr
essyouaboutt
hismarri
age
t
hing.Youneedtomoveonnow…”hesaidthatl
ike
i
twasacommand.Li kehewasdemandingmet o
moveon.

“Butt
hati
smydeci si
ontomake.Youcan’ tdeci
de
whoIcanandcan’ ttal
kto.Icamewi thyoubecause
Iwashopingyou’dloosenupal i
ttl
eandl etme
be…canyoupleasebet hecoolbrotherandnot
anot herMzamo, ”Isaid.I ’
m act ual l
yver ymadat
him.hecameandst oodi nf r
ontofme.“ Promi se
meyouwon’ tdot hatagai n?”If eelbadf orhim now.
Heknel tdownbef oreme, goodnowIcanl ookhi m
i
nt heeye.“ Bhut i,Ineedyout opr omisemet hatyou
won’ tdot hatagai n.Likhakhaandi …”Icoul dn’t
fi
ni shwhatIwassayi ngbecausehi slipswer eon
mi ne.Hewaski ssingmeandwhyam Ihel pinghi m?
What ’
shappeni ng?Whyam Inotst oppingt his?He
slowl ylaidmedownonmyback, hewasont opof
meandi nbet weenmyt highs.Hi shandsar eal l
overme.If elthiscoldhandgoi nginsidemy
under wear .That ’swhenIcamet omysenses.It ri
ed
topushhi m awaybuther esistedandSi zwei svery
strong.“ Sizwe, stop”hel ookedatme.wewer ebot h
breat hi
ngheavi ly.Islappedhi m, that’swhenhe
stoodupst raightandIal sosatupst raight,

Irantothebat
hroom andl
ockedthedoor.Iam
dead,wearedead.Mzamoi sgoi
ngtokil
lhim and
thenusehisbodytokil
lme.WhydidIdot hat
?
Sizweisli
keabrothert
ome.WhenIseehi mI
l
iteral
lyseeMzamo.Ican’ tdealwi t
hanothermess.
Pleasetellmethisi
sj ustahorri
bledream;Ineedto
wakeup.Af terawhileIdecidedtogoback, he’
snot
here.Good, t
hisisj
ustwhatIneed.Ineedt heselast
fewmi nutesalonesi
nceI ’
llbedyingsoon.

[
01/
05,
13:
49] : ENTRY52

I
NLIFE,SOMETI
MESWEFI GHTTHECURRENT.
ANDOTHERTIMES,I
T’SI
MPORTANTTOFLOW
WITHTHERIVER.
-
Prut
hvi
senaReddy

Thefoll
owingday, at15:00wehittheroad,the
worstparti
st hatSivi
wedecidedhehadn’ tpart
ied
enoughandt hathewasgoi ngtotakeat axiback
home.It’
sjusthim andIi nt
hecar.canthingsget
anymoreawkwar d,i
magineifyou’
dkissedyourown
brot
herandt henhavet obealonewithhimf or
hour
s.

“Sizwe,”Ical
ledhi
m.Ihadt
ohaveat edtal
kwi
th
mysel fbefor
eopeningmymouth.ThankGodI
didn’tchokeonmyownwor ds.

“
Sho,
”

“
Whathappenedlastnight
?”Iasked.Wehavet
o
t
alkabouti
tevent
uall
y.

“
Idon’
tknow,
”hetookaqui
ckglanceatmeand
t
henbackatt
heroad,“
Wekissed,
”

“
No,
youki
ssedme,
”Icor
rect
edhi
m.

“
Butyouki
ssedmeback,
”
“
WhydidthathappenSizwe,Idon’tunder
stand
what
’shappeni
ng?”IaskedhimlikehewasGod.

“Nobuhl
e,Idon’tknow…Idon’tknowwhyit
happenedbutithappenedokayandther
eisnothi
ng
wecandot ochanget hat
,”hesaysdi
smissi
vel
y.

“
Don’
ttel
l…”

“Anyone,
don’
ttel
lanyone,
Iknow…”hecut
sme
short
.
“
Youar
esupposedt
obemybr
other
,”Isai
d.

“Canwenott alkaboutthisnow,li
keIsaid;i
t
happened…l
et ’
sjustkeepittooursel
vesandmove
onwithli
fel
ikei tneverhappened,
”hesaid.“Ther
e’s
agarageupther oad,l
et’
sgetsomethingtoeat,
”

“
Ok”
Wear ri
vedatt hegarageandboughtsomesteers
burgersagain.Ithi
nkwebot hjustdi
dn’
twantto
thi
nk.Weboughtsomechi ps,sweetsandasusual
hegrabbedachocol ateformeandener gydr
inks
forhimself
.Iwai t
edforhim out
sidewhil
ehepayed
forourit
ems.

“Wellaren’tyouabeaut
y,”sai
damancomi ngoutof
awhi teBMW.Nott ooshabbyImustsay.He’
s
shorterthanmostguysinmyl i
febutj
ustper
fect
ly
tal
lerthanme.

“Excuseme?
”Ihear
dhi
m;Ij
ustdon’
tknowwhatt
o
sayback.

“I
’m sorry,
itusual
lyhappensl
iket
hatinmovi es.
Theguycomesoutoft hecarshouti
ng‘wellaren’
t
youbeaut i
ful’
andthenthegir
lisi
mmedi atel
y
smitten…”hesayslookingsoembarrassed.
“
Smi
tt
en?
”Ichuckl
ed.

“Yeah!Ispecial
izeinshamingmysel fi
nfrontofthe
opposi t
esex.Hewaswear i
ngabl acksui
twith
blackshoesandabl ackshi
rt.Hehadoneoft hose
famousmanl ycuts.Il
aughed.“Lookyou’
re
beaut i
ful
,Inear
lycrashedmycarwhenIwas
comi ngin.Youneedt obecar ef
ulwhereyoujust
standandl ooksublime,Imightneedtocallt
he
policeonyouma’ am, ”

Ilaughed.Hesmell
sreal
lynice.“Hmm,thankyou,
”
hest ret
chedhi
shandforward,Igotahol
dofit.
Insteadofshaki
ngi
t,hekissedit
.
“SiyabongaGumede, ”hesai
d.HisEngl
ishaccenti
s
cleanandwow…heavenknowst herei
snothingI
appr eci
atel
ikeamanwhosmel l
sgoodandcan
speakpr operEngl
ish.
“
Nobuhl
eMqokel
i,
I’
m pl
easedt
omeetyou,
”

“Whatdoesasweet ,ki
ndandcar ingguyt hatwil
l
neverbreakyourheart
,forexampl eme;havet odo
togetaphonenumberf r om anangel ,
I’
m sorr
yI’
ve
neverhadtoapproachonebef ore,”thi
sguy.Iam
l
iter
all
yjustsmil
ing.ButIwon’tgivehi m my
number.Iam sohappyhedoesn’ trecognizeme
fr
om thatstupi
dBNLt hing…

“
Wel
l,
I…”

“
Beati
tfuckboy!
”hepushedhi
m awayf
rom me.
whatt
hehell?Whendi
dheevengether
e?

“Whoa,dude…shedidn’
ttel
lmeshehada
boyf
ri
end,”theguysays.Si
zwegrabbedmyar
ms
anddraggedme.
“Hei
snotmyboyf
ri
end…”Isai
d,“
Sizwe,
whatar
e
youdoi
ng?
”

Heopenedthedoori
ntot
hecar
,“geti
n,”he
demanded,

“Heyman, It
hinkyouneedt
obealit
tl
egent
lewi
th
herokay.AreyouokayMs?”hel
ookedatme.

“I
’mf i
ne,heismybrot
her
.Hegetsali
tt
le
overprot
ecti
vesometi
mes,
”Idef
endedSizwe.I
shouldn’
thave.

“She’sf
ine,”Sizwesays.Siyabongawasl ooki
ngat
meandIhadt ogiveoffareassuri
nglook.Hemost
probabl
yt hinksI’
mi nanabusiverelati
onshi
p.As
Sizwewasgoi ngaroundthecar,Siyabongaquickl
y
threwhiscar dthr
ought hewindow.Itookitand
shoveditinmybackpocket .
“
Anyt
ime,
”hesays.

“Thankyou, don’twor ry.Iknowhim…he’dneverhurt

me.Hei smybr other,
”Si zwerudel
ydroveaway.
WhenIl ookedoutt hewi ndow,Si
yabongawasst i
ll
standi
ngt herewat chingt hecar
.

“Whatthefuckiswr
ongwithyouNobuhl
e?”hei
s
dri
vingtoofastf
ormyl
iki
ng.

“No,whatthef
ucki
swr
ongwi
thyouSi
zwe?
”I
shoutedback.

“Il
eaveyoual
onefor2minutesandyoucan’tkeep
yournumbert
oyoursel
f,
”li
ter
all
ywhattheactual
fuck…

“
Sizwe,
no…st
op.Youcan’
tdot
his.Whyar
eyouso
mad?Don'
tdothat
"
“
Youar
emysi
ster
…”heshout
ed.

“Bull
shi
t!St
opthecar…stopthecarrightnow”he
stoppedonthesi
deoft heroad.Igotoff,
crossed
overandthenwalkedli
keamadwoman.

“
Whatt
hef
uckar
eyoudoi
ngnow?
”heyel
led.

“I
’m goi
ngforawalk,”Il
ookedbackathi
m and
shouted.Si
zwecan’tli
keme.hecan’t
.

“
Nobuhl e,geti
nsi
dethisf ucki
ngcarr i
ghtnow…”I
i
gnoredhi m.WhenIlookedback;Isawhi m
f
oll
owi ngme, hedoesn’tlookpleased.Iwalked
f
aster;hispacealsoincreased.Istar
tedrunning.

“Leavemeal oneSi
zwe!
”Ishout
ed.Heranaf
terme,
hefinal
lycaughtuptomeandstoppedme.
“Letmego! ”If
oughtwit
hhim.Het hrewmeonhi s
shoulderandwalkedbacktothecar.Suddenl
y
thereisnotasingl
ecarpassi
ngher eatthi
svery
moment .Heopenedthebackseat,
thr ewmeinsi
de.

“Idon’thaveti
meforthi
s,don’
tmakemer unaf ter
you,”hechasti
sedme.Heswungt hedoorshutand
thenlockedthecar
.Hetookoutacigaret
te,li
titup
andsmokedhi sangeraway.Ithi
nkwear eboth
calm now.Hecamei nandwewer eoffagain.
Neitherofushassaidawor dt
otheother,IwishI
couldalsosmokewhenI ’
m angryi
nsteadofbei ng
givenat i
meout.

“
Idi
dn’
tgi
vehi
m mynumber
,”Ibr
oket
hesi
lence.

“
Butyouwer egi
ggl
ingandblushi
ng,”hesai
d.I
t
houghthewasgoingtoignoreme.AndsowhatifI
wasgiggl
ingandbl
ushing,I
’
m agirlandhesai
dI
wassubli
me,noonehaseversai
dI’
m subl
ime
bef
ore.Pl
us;hesmel
theavenl
y.

“Becausehewasnicet
ome.Iwasn’
tgoi
ngt
ogi
ve
him mynumber…”

“
Ial
sogotal
it
tl
etoowor
kedup,
”

“
Ali
tt
le…”

“
Igott
oowor
kedup,
I’
m sor
ry…”

“I
’m sorr
yImadeyour
un.Iknowhowmuchyou
hateit
,”Isai
d.
“let
’sj
ustgobackhomeandf or
getaboutever
ythi
ng
thathappened,”hest
oppedt
hecar,
“Youcancome
backnow, ”Ij
ustjumpedtot
hefr
ontseat
.“Oryou
candot hat,
”
If
ast
enedmyseat
bel
t.

“
Iagr
ee,
”

“Whataboutaplacet
ostay?Whatar
eyougoi
ngt
o
doaboutthat
?”heasked.

“We’
ll
…I’l
lcomebackf
ort
hat
.Ther
e’sst
il
lti
me,
”I
answered.

Iwonderi fhe'sthinkingabouti t
.Doest hi
smean
Sizwel i
kesmeorhe' sl i
kedmef orawhi l
enow?
Whi ch;wouldexpl ainhi sbehaviorar oundLi khakha.
Isthisevenal l
owed.Si zwei smybr other,Igrewup
knowi ngthathewasmybr other
.I nfact;Iwasi nmy
teenswhenIdi scover edt hatwe'renotevenr elat
ed.
Meani ngourancest orsbumpi ntoeachot herinthe
ancest r
aluniverseandj ustpassbybecauset hey
don'tknoweachot her, t
here'
snoconnect i
on.But
maybewhent heyr ealizedhowcl oseourf ami l
ies
wer e,theyf ormedsomesor tofancestralalliance.If
dadi slooki ngdownonme, hemustber eally
disappoi nted.Ikeepaski ngmysel f,whydi dIobl i
ge?
Whydi dn'tIstophi m?Imeanwhenheknel tbef ore
me;Ishoul dhaveseeni tcomi ng.Ishoul dhave.But
–t omydef ense-coul dIhaveseeni tcomi ng?
Sizwekneel ingbef orei
st hesameasMzamo, Mzi
orMandl akneel ingbefor eme.St il
lIshoul dhave
sensedi t
.Ishoul dhaveseeni tcoming, Ishoul d
havest oppedhi m.Ial l
owedhi m ont opofme.If el
t
hismanhoodagai nstmy. ..ohno...
Howam I
supposedt ol i
vewi thmysel fnow?Thi sguycomes
tomyhouseever ychanceheget s,hepr acticall
y
l
ivest here.Fol ks,Ibasical l
ymadeoutwi t
hMzamo
here.

[
01/
05,
13:
49] : ENTRY53

I
NTHREEWORDSICANSUM UPEVERYTHI
NG
ABOUTLI
FE:I
TGOESON.
-
Rober
tFr
ost

Wearr
ivedathomeafewminutespast22:
00,
they
wer
eallst
il
lupwai
ti
ngforus.

“
Imi
ssedyou,
”Mzamosai
dembr
aci
ngme.

“
Imissedyout
oo,”Ihel
dhi
mlonger
,Iam soscar
ed.
“
I’
m sohappyI
’m home,
”

“Lookatme, ”hesai
dcuppi ngmyf acewithhis
hands.Whyi sheaskingmet ol
ookathi m?“We
haveal ott
ot al
kabout,Ineedtotellyouaboutmy
date.Andlookingatyou,ther
e’ssomet hi
ngyou
needtot el
lme,”hesays.

“
Yes,wewi l
ltalk,
”Isai
d.Everyonei
sinsi
dealready,
i
t’
sjusthim andIoutsi
de.“Let’
sgoin,
”Ir
eleased
myselff
rom hisarms.
“
Buhl
e,
”hecal
lsme,

“
Yes,
Mzamo,
”Il
ookedathi
m.

“
Isever
ythi
ngokay?
”heasked.

“No,ever
ythi
ngi
snotokaybhut
i,Iam ti
red;andI
missmybr ot
her
s.Nowcanwegoi n…”Itookhis
hand.

Hesmi
led.“
Okok…l
et’
sgo.
”

Leti
tbetomorr
owsoSizwecangetoutofhere.I
needhi
m gone;myner
vesar
ethroughtheroofri
ght
now.

“
SoBuhl
e,howwasi
t?whatdi
dyouguysgetup
t
o?”Pal
esaasked.

“
Hmmm, whatdidwegetupt
o?Nothingreal
ly,we
j
ustat
e…al
ot.Andwewenttothebeach,
”Isaid.

“Youknowwhat
?Letmeletyouguysdot
his…Iwi
ll
beonmyway,”Si
zwesai
d.Goodidea…

“
Whatt hehel
l?Sl
eepoverman.Besi
des;Iwantto
t
ellyouandBuhleaboutmydatewit
hKhanya,”

“
No!”t
hatjustf
elloutofmymout
h,Ihadnocont
rol
what
soever.
“
Hai
boBuhl
e,whynot
?”-
Mandl
a.

“
Ijust,
Ireal
lywantedtosl
eepwithMzamo
t
onight…andIam surehemisseshi
sgogo,
”Isai
d,
“Letmegoman, I
’l
lseeyouguystomor
row,”Si
zwe
hashiseyesgl
uedonme, whythehel
lishedoi
ng
thatf
or?Ishecr
azy?

“Whyareyouguysal
ljumpyandst
uff
?”Mandl
a
asked.

“I
’
m not,
sheis…whyareyouj
umpyandst
uff
Buhl
e?”Sizwesays.

“
Iam notj
umpyandst
uff
,Ij
ustwantt
osl
eepwi
th
Mzamo.Mybrot
her
…”Isai
d.

Iwokeupandmadepor r
idge,mama’ sstyl
e.Iknow
theboysloveit
,event
hought heywil
lnevertellme
thatI
’ver
eachedmama’ slevel
,theyalwaysleak
thei
rbowlsclean.

“
Goodmor
ning,
”
“
Goodmor
ningt
oyout
oo,
”Isai
d.

“Youknow,
ifyoukeepacti
ngthiswaythenwe’
llget
caught
.Youknowyourbrother
,”hesays.I
t’
sSi
zwe.

“
Howam Iact
ing?
”Iasked.

“Youar
eact
ingli
kewehadsex,
wej
ustki
ssed…i
t’
s
notabi
gdeal,
”hesai
d.

“Youaremybr other’
sbestf
ri
end.Youaremy
brot
her,Ibasi
call
ykissedMzamo,”Idef
endedmy
supposedpetulance.

“I
’m notMzamo, andwearenotbloodrel
ated.Stop
acti
nglikeafuckin’
school
gir
lwho’sj
ustbeen
ki
ssedf ort
hefir
sttime,
”Idonotappreci
atehis
choiceofwordsnorhistone.
“
Sizwe,
”Iam shocked.

“
Andwhati
ssowr
ongwi
thwhatwedi
d?”

“Youareunbel
ievabl
e…Iam donewi
thyou.Getout
ofthi
skit
chen,
”

“
Ther
e…”

“
GetoutSi
zwe,
”Icuthi
m shor
t.Hecl
ickedhi
s
t
ongueandexi
ted.

“Whatt
hehelldi
dyoudo?Whyi sshechasi
ngyou
outoft
heki
tchen?”It
hinkt
hat
’sMzamot al
kingt
o
him.

“
Appar
ent
lyIt
alkt
oomuch,
”Si
zweanswer
ed.
“
Sizwe,
you’
dtel
lmei
fanyt
hingwaswr
ongr
ight
?”
Mzamosays.
“
forsur
e,youknow…”

“WhathappenedtoBuhl e,
”Itipt
oedcl osertot
he
door.Ineedtohearthis.Mygutf eel
ingtell
smet hat
shitj
usthitt
hefan.“Lastni ghtshedidn’twantyou
tosleepover.Nowshe’ skickingyououtoft he
kit
chen,tel
lmeI’m cr
azy”

“Youarecrazy.Shesai
dItal
ktoomuchandkicked
meout.You’rejustr
eadi
ngtoomuchint
othi
ngs,as
usual
”Sizwesays.

“
HaveIeverbeenwr ong?”Mzamohasneverbeen
wrongaboutt
hings.Never.”
Buhle,”Mzamocall
ed
me.Ihear
dhisfootstepsapproachingt
heki
tchen.
“Bhuti
,gi
vemeami nut
e,”Isai
dheadi
ngf
ort
he
door.Hestoppedme.

“
Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
”heasked.

“Ineedtopee,
pleasewat
cht
hepot
.It
’sal
most
done”Isai
d.

“
Wai
t,Ineedt
oaskyousomet
hing,
”hesays.

“
Mzamo, l
ikeIsai
dyou’
rer
eadi
ngt
oomuchi
nto
t
his…”Si
zwesays.

“
HoldonSizwe,
I’
mt al
kingtomysi
sterri
ghtnow.
”
Mzamohasstart
ed.Iknowwhenheturnsint
oa
monst
er,
I’
veseenitonetoomanyt
imes.

“
Bhut
i,what
’shappeni
ng?
”Iasked.
Hecuppedmyf acewit
hhishands,
Iwasbi t
ingon
mylips.Mytonguewasget
ti
ngdry.“Lookatme
babysis,
”hesays.

“Mzamo,Imissedyoutoo,butIneedtogoandpee
now.Canwedot hisl
ater
?”Itri
edtogetcont
rolof
thet
rembli
ng;Iusedasmileasaf açade.

“Whathappenedsi s?Youknowwhenmygutt el
ls
mesomet hingiswr ong, t
hensomet hi
ngiswr ong.
You’vebeenweirdsi nceyoucameback…”It ooka
deepbreathin.“
I’m sorryforputt
ingyout hr
ough
thi
s,butIwon’trestuntilIknowthet r
uth…”his
handsareshaking.Themonst erisup….

“Thendon’tputmet hr
oughitMzamo,youknowI
don’tl
ikeitwhenyougetli
kethi
s.Ij
ustwanttopee.
Pleaseletitgo…”Isai
d.
“
Don’
tli
etome!
”het
ookonanaggr
essi
vet
one.

“LethergoMzamo, ”Sizwesaysbehindhi m.The

tensionisbuil
dingnow;andmybi ggestfeari
sthatI
willgethurt
.That’
salwaysthecasewi t
hMzamo,
someonemustal waysgethurtwhenhel osesit
.

“
Mzmao,
letmego.Letmegot
othel
oo,
I’
llbeback”

“
Whatareyoutwohidi
ng?
”hel
ookedbackatSi
zwe
whi
lest
il
lhol
dingont
ome.

“
That’
sitI’
m cal
li
ngMzi,
”Sizwesai
dand
i
mmedi at
elywentint
odad’
sroom whi
chi
snow
Mzi
’sroom.

“
Buhl
e,t
ellmet
hef
ucki
n’t
rut
h,”hesayst
ome.
“
Whati
shappeni
ngher
e?”Mzii
sher
e.

“Pl
easetel
lhi
mt oletmego”t
her
e’sal
otoff
ear
anddesperat
ioni
nmyvoice.Hel
etmegowhenMzi
spoke.

“Somethi
ngiswr
ong,
Icanseeital
loverBuhl
e
bafo,
”hetur
nedhi
sat
tent
iont
oMzi

“
Mzamo, It
oldyounothi
nghappened?Justst
op
wit
hthi
smadness,stopitr
ightnow”

“
Youar
elyi
ng,
”her
aisedhi
svoi
ce.

“Mzamo, let
’sgooutsi
de,makemeunder st
and
everyt
hing…”Mzisaid.Mandl
aandPal esafi
nal
ly
j
oinedus.Theywer ebothsti
llasl
eep.
“
Okay,
hol
don,
”hewenti
ntohi
sroom.

“Mzi,youhavetodosomethi
ng.Makehim stop,
”I
whispered.Hecamebackcockedt
hegunand
poi
ntedi tatSi
zwe.Mzamohasoff
ici
all
ylostit
.

“Whatthefuckhappened? ”hesaid.“
Don’tmakeme
madNobuhl e,youl i
kemessingwithme,”Istoodin
fr
ontofSizwe.Atl eastwi
thmehemi ghtthi
nktwice
befor
epulli
ngt hattri
gger
.“Didyoutouchher?I’
ve
seenthewayyoul ookather…di
dyout ouchher?”

“Mzamo, pl
easecalm down, ”Si
zwesayswithhi
s
handsup.Palesaiscrying,anyonet
hattr
iestoget
anyclosert
ohi m hescaresawaywiththegun.I
canoffi
cial
lysayMzamoi ssick…

“
Tal
kBuhl
e,di
dhet
ouchyou,
”hesai
d.
“
Bhut
i,pl
easecal
…”

“Di
dhet ouchyou?”heshoutedashebroughtt
he
guntomyhead.Myhandsar esweat
ing.What’
s
goingt
hroughmyheadnowi swhatwil
lhappenif
thi
sguyr eal
lypul
lst
hattr
igger?

“
Mzamo…i
t…”

“
ShutupNobuhl
e!”Si
zwesaysbehi
ndme.

“
Lethert
alk,
”Mandl
asai
d.

“
Itwasamist
ake,
”Isai
dwi
pingt
het
ear
sawayf
rom
myeyes.

“
Whatwasami
stakesi
si,
”-Mzi
.
“Mzamo,putt
hegundown,
”Pal
esaf
inal
lysai
d
somethi
ng.
“Weki
ssed…butt
hat
’sall
.Itwasami
stake,
I
promi
seyou,
”Itr
embledon.

“Youfuckingbastard,
”Mandl achargedf orSizwe
butPalesagotahol dofhi m.There’ssi
lence,Mziis
mad, al
lthreeofthem arelookingatSizwe.Iused
thi
soppor tunit
ytojumpf orthegun.Mzamo
resi
sted,therewasal otoffi
dgetingandst r
uggli
ng.
Idon’tknowwhat ’shappening.

“
Buhl
e,l
etgooft
hegun,
”It
hinkt
hat
’sMzi
.

“Letgoofthefucki
nggunNobuhl eman…”Si zwe
shoutedtr
yingtopullmyhandawayf rom t
hegun.
I’
m beingpushedandpul ledi
nalldi
recti
ons;Idon’
t
knowwho’ swhere.AllIknowisthatIneedtoget
thegunawayf rom Mzamo.Thenextt hingIheard
wasaBOOM.Pal esascr eamedherlungsout .
“Jesus,Jesus,Jesus,
”shechant
ed.Thegunwent
off.Weallstar
tedbackingawayslowl
y.Icanfeel
myhear tbeati
ng.Myhandsar eshaki
ng.Ever
yone
i
sbr eat
hingheavily.

“
Isever
yoneokay?
”Si
zweasked.

“
I’
m good”
-Mzi

“
I’
mfi
ne”
-Me

“
I’
m good,
”-Mandl
a

“
I’
m okay,
”-Mzamo.

“
Itpr
obabl
yjusthi
tthewall
,
”Palesasays.Herf
ace
i
stur
ningr
edf r
om cryi
ngandscreaming.We’
real
l
j
usttr
yingt
ocatchourbreat
handmakesenseof
whatj
usthappened.I
’
m sureever
yonei
sshaken,
Pal
esamorethananyone.Thegunisonthef
loor
.

“
Nobuhl
e,
”Mandl
acall
edandIl
ookedathi
m.
“
You’
rebl
eedi
ng,
”hesai
d.

TOBECONTI
NUED

[
01/
05,
13:
50] : Nobuhl
e3:ABeaut
y

ENTRY54

ANYBODYCANBECOMEANGRY–THATI SEASY,
BUTTOBEANGRYWI THTHERI
GHTPERSONAND
TOTHERIGHTDEGREEANDATTHERIGHTTIME
ANDFORTHERIGHTPURPOSE,ANDI
NTHE
RI
GHTWAY–THATI SNOTWITHINEVERYBODY’
S
POWERANDISNOTEASY.
-
Ari
stot
le

Mybodyi sr eadytowakeupandgetbackt oreali

ty
butmyhear tisnot .Idon’ twanttof aceever yt
hing
now.I’mj usttoot i
red.IknowI ’m hurt,andIknow
Mzamodi ditandIal soknowhedi dn’tmeant o.I
canfeelt hesedat i
onwear i
ngout ,‘
i
t’st ooearl
y’I
keptthinkingt omysel f.Icanheari ndi sti
nct
hospitalnoisesandat el ephoner i
ngingf rom a
dist
ance.If eltasqueezeonmyhand.Idon’ twant
toopenmyeyes.ButIhavet oo.Ipeeledt hem open,
theli
ghtwasbl i
ndingme.IsawPal esa
concent r
atingonherphoneandhol dingmyhand
withtheot her…Ibadl ywantt osayhel lotoher,but
thethoughtofwhatSi zweandIdi di shol di
ngthe
wordsdownmyt hroat.Icl osedmyeyesagai n–
butthistime–i nsteadofdi vi
ngintot heabyssi n
myhead–IsawPal esa.Letmej ustwakeupand
facethemusi c,what ’
st hewor stthatcoul dhappen?
Mzamoal r
eadyt ookcar eoft hat.
“
Hel
lo,
”shej
umpedt
oherf
eet
.

“Thi
xo,youscar
edmet her
e,”(
God,
)shesayswi
th
herhandonherchest
,“Areyouup?
”sheasked.

“
Hmmm,
Ithi
nkso,
”Isai
d.

Shescreamedexcitedl
y,“
I’
llgett
hedoctor,
”sheran
out.Herphonerangtheminuteshedisappear
ed
i
ntothecorner;Ist
ret
chedforwardr
eachingfori
t.
It
’sherboyfr
iend.

“
MYLOVE,
”hesai
d.

“
HEYBABE,
”Ipl
ayedal
ong

“
THI
SISNOTMYLOVE,
BUHLE…I
STHATYOU?
”I
coul
dheari
nhisvoi
cet
hathewashappyandt
hat
hewassmil
ing.

“YES,
BROTHER,
IT’
SNOTYOURLOVE.SHEWENT
TOGETTHEDOCTOR….”

“
STAYTHERE, WE’
RECOMING,”heendedthecall
.
I
shemockingme?WherecanIgo?Igetshortand
t
hensuddenl
ypeopl
ecan’
tthi
nk.Pal
esawalkedin
wit
hthedoct
or.

“Letmecal
lyourbr
other
s,”shesaysr
eachi
ngf
or
herphone.

“Ij
ustspokewit
hhim,theyarecomi
ng,”Isay.The
doctorl
if
tedupthehospi
taldr
essIhadonand
examinedme.
“Alr
ightMsMkhokhel i,
”hesays.It
’sthesame
doctorthattreatedmewhenIhadapani cattack.
“Let
’shaveal ooksythere,
”whyishet al
kingtome
l
ikeI’m akid.“Youar ebecomingar egul
arher e,
”he
adds.Heopenedt hebandage;Ir
eallydon’twantto
l
ookt here.

“Thatshoul
dbegoodforyou,
”Isaysarcast
ical
ly.
Thebrother
swal
kedin,t
heywerenotfarItakeit.

“
Doc,
”Mzisai
d.

“
Ouch”Iwi
ncedashepr
essedont
hewound.

“
Easydoc,
easy,
”Mandl
asai
d.

“IknowwhatI’
m doi
ngdon’tworr
y,”hesays.He
thentookof
fthesur
gicalgl
oveshehadon.“ Okay,
I
havegoodnewsandgr eatnews,
”hesings.
“
Goodnewsf
ir
st,
”Pal
esasays.

“Shewi
llheal
;shej
ustneedst
otakei
teasy,
no
heavyl
if
ti
ngetcet
era,
”

“
Andt
hegr
eatnews,
”-Mandl
a

“Thegreatnewsi s;sheisalive,
foraper sonwho
wasshor tatacloser angesheshouldn’tbeali
ve.I
f
youarebelieversyoushoul dbethankingGodr i
ght
now,orwhat everyoubel i
evein.Westitchedherup,
i
nsideandout ”hel ookedatme, “Yougetasecond
chanceatlife,
usei twisel
y,”hesays.Allinal
lIam
supposedt obedead.Whatt heheck?

“GodissogreatBuhl
e,”Palesasays.Ihopeshe
doesn’
tcryorworse,
pr ay.
“Wewi l
lstil
lkeepyouin,f
ornowIneedyout orel
ax
andjusttalktoyourfamil
y.Theycoul
dhavelost
you.Andf amilydon’
tstr
essher…”heexi
ted.NowI
needtofacemydemons.

“Letmegoandbuysomef ood,”shel ookedatMzi .

Het ookouthi swal l
etandgaveheraf ewhundr ed
Rands.It hi
nkshecoul dsenset heawkwar dness.
Haveyoueverhear doft hebut ter f
lyef fect?The
but terf
lyeffectistheideaornot iont hatsmal l
thingst hathappeni nt hepastcanchangeorcause
dispr oporti
onatelylargeandunf oreseeabl e
out comesi nt hepresent ,itschaost heor y.For
exampl e;steppingonabug4000year sagocauses
adi fferentpersont owi nt hepresi dent i
alel ecti
on
today.Iwonderwhot hehel lst
eppedonabugand
causedsuchdi sproportionalconsequencesi nmy
l
ife.Iwonderi fkissi
ngSi zwewasasmal lchange
thatmi ghtcausegr eatandunf or eseeabl e
out comesi nt hefuture.
“
Howar
eyousi
s?”Mziasked.

“I
’
m okay,
it’
spai
nfulbutI
’
m abi
ggi
rl
,”If
orceda
smil
e.

“I
’
m gl
adyou’
reokayBuhle,
”Mandl
asays.t
he
awkwar
dnessst
artedagai
n.

“
Wher
eisMzamo?
”Iasked.

“
Hewi
llcomeandseeyousoon,
”sai
dMzi
.

“
When?
”Iasked.

“Soon,j
ustconcent
rateonget
ti
ngbet
ter
.Youwi
l
l
seehim,”Mzianswered.

“
Whatar
eyouguysnott
ell
ingme?Wher
eisyour
brot
her?
”Iknowmybr other
st oowell.Yousee
whentheystar
tstar
ingateachot her
;justknow
somethi
ngisup.Theyareplayingthelookinggame.
“Youboysbett
erspeakup,”

“He’
sheresi
s,hei
sont
hef
looraboveus,
”Mandl
a
speaks.

“
Mandl
areal
ly?
”Mzil
ookedathi
m wi
thdi
sdai
n.

“Shewasgoingt
oknowanyway,i
tmi
ghtaswel
lbe
now,”Mandl
adefendshi
msel
f.

“
Whati
shedoi
ngt
her
e?”Iasked.

“
Hewasadmi
tt
ed”Mzir
esponds.

“
Didhegethur
ttoo?Howbadi
sit
?”
“
Wet
oldhi
mtogethel
p,heneedshel
p,”
-Mzi
.

“
Hel
pwi
thwhat
?”-Me

“Hehasbipolardi
sorderandanxi
ety,
sot
hewhi
te
l
adysays,”everyt
hingisst
art
ingt
oaddupnow,
ever
ythi
ngismaki ngsensenow.

“
Bipol
ari
s…”

“Iknowwhatbi
pol
arisMandla,”Icuthi
m short.I
attempt
edt
ostandbutthewoundpai nfrom t
he
woundpull
edmerightback,
“fuck!”Icr
ied.

“St
opitBuhl
e,si
tback,
”Mandl
afi
xedt
hebl
anket
overme.
“Besides;hemadeuspr omisetonotbri
ngyout
o
him whileheisinhere,”Mzisays,
mor ethan
anything–Mzi ’sr
elaxeddisposi
ti
onismakingme
somadr ightnow.

“
Scr
ewt
hat
,”Isai
d.

“Nobuhle,”Mzisai
di nareprimandingt
one.Itooka
deepbr eathi
nandf eltasharppainshooti
ng
throughthewoundsoIcal cul
atedtheexhal
ing
process.

“Canyouatleasttel
lhi
mt hatI’m notangry,
”Isai
d
calmly,
butint
ernall
yIam breakingplatesand
screamingmyor gansout
.Pr obablyevenburning
theenti
rehospit
aldown.

“You’
vebeenoutforaweekandtheonl
ything
you’r
eworri
edaboutist
hepersont
hatputyouout
,”
Mzisaidandscof
fed.Cl
ear
lyheismadatMzamo.
“Iam supposedtoworr
yabouthi
m, hei
smy
brot
h….waitdidyousayIwasoutf
oraweek?
”di
dI
hearhim cor
rectl
y.

“
Yeah,
”

Well
,shit
!HereIwasthinki
ngeverythinghappened
yest
erday.I
’
vebeenoutf oraweek;Imi sseda
wholeweekoflif
e.Thewor l
dcontinuedasusual
andwasn’tther
etowitnessital
l.
It’
sthef oll
owingday, Ihardlysleptl astnight.It
s
ti
mesl i
kethisthatIwi shLikhakhawer earound.I
promi seyout hatboyhassuper nat uralpower s.He
hast heabi l
it
ytomakesi t
uationsl i
ket hi
smake
senset ome.Hemakesmel ookatt hingsdiffer
entl
y.
Maybei fIhadaccept edhispr oposalI ’dbeinhi s
armsr i
ghtnowandnoti nahospi talbed.I ’
dbe
servedbypeopl e,
I’
dbequeen.‘ Don’ tyoudar et hi
nk
that’
,Idisturbedmyownt rainoft hought s.That ’
s
super womanr i
ghttheredisturbingmyt r
ainof
t
houghts,myalterego;andshe’sri
ght.Ican’tbe
f
antasi
zingaboutthatli
fewhenIhaveaki ckass
l
if
eaheadofme.Iam ki ckass,I’
mt hefuckingboss
l
adyandIneedt omakeanamef ormyself.One
t
hatdoesn’thaverapeandmur derstai
nsoni t.

“
Ekse!
”(What
’sup)Mzii
sher
e.

“
Hey,
”Iacknowl
edgedhi
m.

“
Howar
eyouhol
dingup?
”het
ookaseat
.

“
I’
mfi
ne;Ij
ustwantt
oleaveal
ready,
”

“
Theyar
edi
schar
gingyout
omor
row;hangi
nther
e,”

“Iknow,
”Ismi
ledj
ustt
omakehim happy.Ijust
hopehedoesn’
taskmeaboutSi
zwe.Idon’twantt
o
tal
kaboutthatnow,Ist
il
lhaven’
tfi
guredoutwhat
happenedexactl
y.“
So;you’l
lbeafather
.Areyou
happy?”

“I
’m sohappysi s;Iwakeupi nthemi ddleoft he
nightandt alktothel it
tl
eguyi nhertummy.It alkt
o
dadandmom, j
ustaski ngthem towat chovert he
l
ittl
edudeandher …andmost l
yyou.Icanal ready
seehi mr unningar ound,makinguscr azyand
mi spronouncingwor ds.Iknowyout woar egoi ngto
bet hebestoff ri
ends;youwat ch,
”hesayswi ththe
mostgenui nesmi l
epl aster
edacr osshi sface.He
l
ooksr eal
lyhappyandIam sohappyhei shappy.
Thi sbabywi l
lbet hebaneoft hi
sf amily’
sjoyand
l
ight .

“
I’
m guessi
ngyouwil
lbecont
inui
ngwi t
htheMM
t
rend,
”Isai
dholdi
ngbackt
earsofjoy.

“Defi
nit
ely!Ther
e’ssomet
hingaboutt
hisMM…i
t’
s
deep,
”
“
Ihavenoi
deawhatyou’
ret
alki
ngabout
;I’
m NM”

“
Ifit
’sagi
rlt
henwear
ecar
ryi
ngonwi
tht
heNM
t
rend,”

“What
?IsPalesaokaywitht
hat?”Iasked,Iam
act
ual
lyhappythatheeventhoughtaboutit.

“I
twasheridea,shesaysyou’
reherf
avour
it
e
personi
nthisfamil
y,
”welaughed.

“
Iwonderwhynow…”Isai
dsar
cast
ical
ly.

“Youknowmybi disonMM.He’
l
lal
sogethi
sown
pocket
kni
fei
nit
iall
edMM,”

“
NoMzi
,nokni
ves…”Isai
dal
mostr
epr
imandi
ng
hi
m.

“
Chi
llsi
s,
”

Mandl
awal
kedi
nwi
thapl
ast
icf
rom Spar
.

“
Heybabysi
s,
”hesai
d.

“
Youmeanbi
gsi
s,
”Icor
rect
edhi
m.

“
Justgowitht
heflow,
”hetookoutabananaf
rom
t
heplast
icandhandedi
ttome.

“Mandlaareyoutr
yingt
olosewei
ght?Wherethe
hel
lisproperf
ood,l
ikemeat?
”Mzicompl
ained.

“Not
hingi
nthi
spl
asti
chasyournameonit
.I’
l
lbuy
yousomefoodwhenweleave,
”hesai
dtoMzi.
“Buhl
e,
”Igavehi
m myat
tent
ion.“
Didhef
orce
himsel
fon…”

“St
op,”Isi
ghed.“Hedi
dn’
thur
tme,itwas
consensual
,”Idi
dn’
tpr
eparemysel
ffort
hese
questi
ons.

“
Okay”heexhal
edl
ikehewashol
dinghi
sbr
eat
hfor
awhil
enow.

“
Doest
hatmeanyoul
ikehi
m now?
”

“No,Idon’
tli
kehim.Ijusthadamomentof
weakness.IhadjustspokenwithLikhakha;hewas
tel
li
ngmet hatweneedt ostopcall
ingeachother
,
basical
lyl
oseeachother’snumbers.Iwasmad…I
real
lydon’
tknowwhathappened, ”Isay.

“
Didyouguyshavesex?
”Mandl
a,doeshenothave
amut
ebut
tonsomewher
e.

“GoshMandl a,
”Irubbedmyf ace.“No,Ididn’
thave
sexwi t
hmybr other’sbestf
riend.Wej ust
kissed…canyoust op.Idon’
tneedt hi
sr i
ghtnow…”I
grabbedthechocol atef
rom theplasti
candopened
i
ti mmediat
ely.Ineedadi st
racti
on.

“
Coul
dIhavesomepl
ease?
”-Mzi

“
No!
”Isai
dshar
ply.

“
Whatt
hehel
ldi
dIdo?
”

[
01/
05,
13:
50] : ENTRY55

WEFEARVI
OLENCELESSTHANOUROWN
FELLI
NGS.PERSONALPRI
VATE,
SOLI
TARYPAI
N
I
SMORETERRI FYI
NGTHANWHATANYONEELSE
CANINFLI
CT.
-
Jim Mor
ri
son

Iam goinghomet odayandIam sohappy,t

his
placewasst ar
ti
ngtosuffocat
eme.I’
m packi
ngmy
thingssowhenMzi get
sherewedon’
twastea
singlesecond.

“Hey,
”Itur
nedaroundandf oundhim bythedoor
l
ookingsexyasusual.Iam feel
ingal
itt
lescar
edof
him,Idon’
tknowwhy.

“
Baby,
whatareyoudoingher
e?”Iasked.Myhear
t
i
sbeat
ingoutofcont
rol
.

“
Myf r
iendwor
kshere.Whathappened?
”heclosed
t
hedoorbehi
ndhim.“Icametoseeyouwhenyou
wer
eunconsci
ous,
”hehuggedmeandt henki
ssed
myf orehead.Iwentonmyt i
ppytoesandkissedhis
cheek.Ihuggedhi m again,thist
imeIburi
edmy
faceinhisneckandi nhaledhi sscent
.Hest i
llhas
hisarmsar oundmywai st;Ifeel
sogoodrightnow.
IwishIcoul dfol
lowhim home.

“
Mzamoheshotme, wel
lIgotshotwi
thhi
sgun…a
l
otwashappeni
ng.
”Isai
d.

“Wherei
shenow?Ihopeyoucal
ledt
hecopson
him?”hesayswi
thdi
sdai
n.

“
No,itwasent
irel
ymyf
aul
t.Imadeaver
ybig
mist
ake,
”Idef
endedmybr
otherf
oral
mostki
ll
ing
me.

“Buti
tdoesnotmeanhemustshootyouorl aya
fi
ngeronyoueit
her,
”hesaysangr i
ly.Heisvery
upset
.Ithi
nkIshouldtel
lhim whatactual
ly
happened,
hedeservesthatmuch.
“
Igetyou,
”Isayr
ubbi
nghi
sar
m.

“
Whatdi
dyoudo?
”heasked.

“Iki
ssedSizwe,
nohekissedme…butIki
ssedhi
m
back.Ist
oppedhim…”

Ifelthisar
mr eleasi
ngfr
om mywaist,“
Thatwas
quick,”hesays.Hetookastepback.

“I
t’
snotli
kethat
…itwasamistake.I
twasaf
terwe
spoke…Iwasmad,”Idef
endedmyself.

“
Soyou’
resayi
ngt
hisi
smyf
aul
t?”

“Thati
sclear
lynotwhatIsai
dBaby,
youar
e
dist
ort
ingmywor ds,
”Isai
d.
“
It
’sf
ineBuhl
e,youdon’
towemeanyexplanat
ion,
“
buthisf
acesayshewantsanexpl
anat
ion.

“Likhakha, webrokeup,youdon’tgettomakeme
feelmi serabl
e.WhataboutyouandRose, youdi dn’
t
tel
lmeaboutt hat,
”Isai
d.Whyt hehellam Icr
ying?
Gosh, thisiswhatspendingt
oomucht imewith
Pal esagetsyou.

“Whatt
hehel
lar
eyout
alki
ngabout
?”her
ecoi
ledi
n
conf
usi
on.

“
Shet
oldmeyouguyshadsex,
”

“
Wewer
enott
oget
herwheni
thappened,
”hesays.

“Butitst
il
lhappenedandyoudi
dn’tt
ellmeabouti
t,
atleastIhadthedecencyt
otel
lyouaboutSi
zwe,”
“Webrokeupsoyoudon’ tgett
omakemef eel
miser
able”hequot edme.Ihavenothi
ngtosayto
himreal
ly,Ihavetoomucht odealwit
handIdon’t
wanttoaddhi m onthel
ist.

“Wel
l,f
inet
hen.Iwon’
tmakeyoufeelmi
serabl
e,”I
cl
eanedmyeyes.Helookedatmeandthenatthe
fl
oor
,thenbackatme.

“Fine,”heexi t
ed.Iwanttoscr eam.Ineedt obreak
somet hing…Iwanttopunchsomeoneunt i
lthey
bleed.Myhandsar eburning,Iwantt ostop
breathi ng.Ili
ter
all
ywantt obleedunt i
lIdie.He
can’tdot hattome,hedoesn’ tgettomakemef eel
l
iket his.Isitpossi
bletolovesomeonesohar dand
hatet hem att hesametime?Att hisver
ymomentI
hateLi khakhamor ethanIl ovehim.Hedoesn’ tget
tosayweshoul dloseeachot her’snumber s.What
thehel ldoeshewantf rom menow?
Mziar
ri
vedshor
tl
yaf
tert
hat
.

“Ready?”hesangashewal kedi
n.Inodded.“What
’s
wrong?”Iam tryi
ngtoavoi
deyecontactwit
hhim.
Hegotcl oserandcuppedmyfaceinhishands.
“Youdon’ tl
ooksohappy,
”

“Ij
ustwantt
ogohomeandf orgetabouteveryt
hing.
IknowImessedup”Isai
dholdingbacktearsfr
om
fal
li
ng.

“We’r
el eavi
ngnowokay,don’tworr
yaboutanythi
ng.
It
’l
lsortit
self
,”hesai
dandkissedmyf or
ehead.You
know,foraper sonwhocr
it
icizesPal
esaforcryi
nga
l
ot,Isuredocr yalot
.

Het ookmyl i
ttl
ebagandledmeoutside.Wefound
Palesastandingagai
nstacar.“
Youshouldtel
lyour
gir
lfri
endtonotstandagai
nstpeopl
e’
scars.Whatif
thealarm goesoff
?”
“It’
sour s,secondhand…i t’
sreall
yneeded, ”Imust
sayt hi
si sar eallysmar tmove.Wedoneedacari n
thishouse.Especi all
ywi t
hPal esapr egnant;whatif
herwat erbr akesi nthemi ddl
eoft heni ght.My
brothersar emybr othersI’
m sur et heywoul dwork
somet hingout .I
’mint hebackseatal one,thewind
i
shi tti
ngmyf aceandIam enj oyi ngi t.Ineeded
freshairaf terbeingint hehospitalf or2weeks.I t
feelsli
keacl eansinginaway;acl eansi ngfrom t
he
hospi t
alat mospher eandsmel lthathasmademy
bodyi tsdwel lingplace.

“Weneedtogetourfami
lybackt
oget
her
,”Pal
esa
saysoutoft
heblue.

“
Our
?”Mziquest
ionsher
.

“
Yes,
Imeant
hisi
smyf
ami
lyt
oonow…”shesays.
“
Ireal
lywantyout
obepar
toft
hisf
ami
ly,
off
ici
all
y,
”
Mzisays.

“
Official
ly?
”Ithi
nkPalesai
sconf
usedaboutwhat
‘
off
iciall
y’means.Tr
ustmeIam t
oo.

“
Ifyouwantt
o…pl
easewantt
o,”hest
utt
ered.

“
Whatar
eyousayi
ngMzi
?”sheasked.

“YeahMzi ,
whatthehel
lareyousayi
ng?”Iasked.
Hest oppedthecaront
hesideoftheroadandgot
out.HewentovertoPalesa’
ssi
deandopenedher
door.

“
Mzi
,
”shecal
ledhi
m.Hewentdownononeknee.

“
Pal
esaNgcobo,
pleasemar
ryme.Youar
ebeaut
if
ul
andyoucookwonder f
ulfood,I’
veneverhadt odo
thisbeforeandI ’m notsureifI’
m doingitrightbutI
knowIl oveyouandIwantt ocal lyoumywi f
e,”big
brotherstutteredon.Het ookoffdad’sneckl ace
from himselfandputi tonher .I
’vebeenl ookingfor
that,butI’
m happyhehadi t
.It
’sthenecklacedad
usedt ogivemebef oreleavingtododi rt
ywor k.
Palesacoul dn’tevenspeak;shej ustkeptnoddi ng.
Tearsar efalli
ngdownherf ace.Ican’tdealwi t
h
Palesa.

“I
’l
lmar
ryyou,”shef
inal
lyspoke.Wel
lIguesswe
haveaweddingcomingup.

Wear efi
nall
yhome.AshappyasIam t obehere;I
am alsoscared.Icanalr
eadytel
lthatt
hesi
lence
andmemor iesaregoingtohauntme.They’
regoing
tokeepmeawakel ateatni
ght
.

“
Buhl
e,”Mandl
ahuggedme.Buti
twasn’tt
heusual
l
ongandti
ghthug,
thi
sonewascalcul
atedandl
ight
.
“
Pleasegr
abmybag,
I’
llbei
nsi
de.
”Isai
d.

“Si
sPal
esa,
whyar
eyoucr
ying?
”Ihear
dMandl
a
ask.

WhenIwal kedi never yt

hingj ustcameback, i
t’sl
ike
I’
m wat chingamovi eIf eat
ur edi n.Ther ageand
hatredhisgazehel dwassomet hingIhavenever
seenbef ore, Icanst i
llfeeltheener gyf r
om t hatday.
Wewer eter r
ified,Pal esaor et hananyoneel se.We
wer eangryanddeepdowni nsideIwasj ustwai t
ing
forhimt opul lt hattrigger.Whent het r
iggerwentof f
Iwasal sohol dingt hegun, someonewast ryingto
pullmeawaysomaybeImadehi m pullthet r
igger
unwi l
li
ngly.It’scol dandl onelyinher e.NoMzamo,
noLi khakha, no, Sizweandnodadandt hey’reall
nother ebecauseofme.I ’l
lbef ineIguess.Ij ust
don’twantt ogobackt othatdar kpl aceIwasi n,
thatplacei st ooscar y.
It
’s3o’ clockint
hemor ning.There’
ssomet hi
ng
wr ongwi ththewound.I’mfeeli
ngal otofpain.I
reacheddownandgent lytouchedthatar ea;my
handcamebackwi t
hbl ood.Okay,don’tpanic…just
tryt ostandandgethelp.Okaydon’tstand, I
reachedf ormyphoneundert hepil
lowandcal l
ed
Pal esa.Itol
dhertoquicklycomeandi nstr
uctedher
tonotwakeMziup.

“Buhl
e,whatthehel
lishappening?It
’s3i
nt he
morning,
”shetur
nedont heli
ghts,r
ubbedhereyes
andlookeddownatme.Hereyesgr ewwi der,

“
Shhhhh”Ipl
acedmyi
ndexf
ingerovermymout
h.

“Whatdoyoumeanshhh,
letmecal
lMzi
,
”she’
s
star
ti
ngtopani
c.

“
MziandMandl adon’
tneedtoknowaboutt
his,
at
l
eastnotnow.Let
’snotbot
hert
hem…theyhave
beent
hroughal
otofbecauseofme,
”

“
OhBuhle,I
’
m scared,
I’m soscar
ed.Whatdoyou
wantmetodo?”shebitherli
ps.

“
Stepone,
don’
tcr
y,”shenodded,
“anddonotpr
ay,
”

“
Ican’
tobeyt
hatI
’
m sor
ry,
”

“Fai
renough,
stepthreegoandt
aket
hecarkeys.
Donotwakehim up,”

Palesadi dasIinstr
ucted.Shegotthekeys;we
ti
ptoedoutoft hehouse.Iknowyou’ reprobabl y
thi
nkingI ’
m cr
azy…heymaybeIam, butIjustcan’t
botherthem again.Theirbrot
heri
snother eandi t
’s
becauseofme.Theypr obabl
yhatemebutcan’ t
bri
ngt hemselvestosayi t–bett
eryet–even
acknowl edgeit
.They’vealwaysbeenbestf r
iends
t
hose3.Mzii
sthebrai
ns,Mzamot
hepowerand
Mandl
athemouthpi
ece.

Iam coldandinhellofal otofpain.Mybr eathi

ngis
ver
yl i
mitedandcalculated.IjustwishIcouldclose
myeyesr ightnow,Ifeelli
keifIclosethem thenI
wil
lfeelmuchbet t
er,butit’
skindofhar dt
odot hat
wit
hPal esaprayi
nglikeacr azywomannextt ome.

“Pal
e,youdon’
tneedt
odot
hat
.Iam f
ine…”I
assur
edher.

“Iam notgoingtotaket hatri

sk.Mypr ayershave
neverfail
edmeNobuhl e,Iwil
lprayuntilthedoctor
tel
lsmeyouwi l
lbefine,”shesaid.Youknowwhat ?
Letmenotwast emyener gyonthis…IknowPal esa
won’tstop.

Anyway;t
heysti
tchedmeupagai
n.Apparent
lythe
nur
sethatst
it
chedmeupwasnew, st
rai
ghtfrom
medschool.Theybeggedmet onotsue,and
beggedmet obegmybr other
stonottakematter
s
i
ntothei
rownhands.I’m notmad,IhavealotI
’m
deal
ingwithal
readyandfrankl
y,Idon’
twanttoadd
acourtcasetothel
ist
.
“
MsMkhokheli
,Idon’
twantt
oseeyouher
eagai
n,”
t
hedoct
orsai
d.

“Ialsodon’twanttobeheredoctor,butitseemsli
ke
webot hcan’tli
vewi t
houtoneanother”hethrewa
quickwi nkatme.Hewant edtokeepmeher eagain.
Ihadt ostri
kesomedealwi tht
hedoct or.Ipromi
sed
nott osueifhereleasesme.Webot hgotwhatwe
want edsoI’m good.

“
Thesear
eforyou,
”hehandsabr
ownbag.

“
Ihavemedsal
readydoc,
”

“
Thosear
eant
idepr
essant
s,”hesays.Whyi
she
gi
vingmeanti
depressant
s?“Thosearemuch
st
rongert
hantheone’sIgaveyouthelastt
ime.
Makesureyoutakethem,”hei
nstr
ucts.

“Doc,Igotshot
,Idon’
tneedant
idepr
essant
s,”Isai
d
andlookedatPalesa.

“Iwaswat chi
ngyoungl ady;yourheartrat
eis
higherthanwhenIlastcheckedi tandthatwas
yester
day.Whatthehellwer eyoudoingat3i nthe
mor ni
ng?Ifyoureal
lytookt hemedsIgaveyou
thenyouwoul dn’
thavef eltt
hepainbecausethey
aremeantt oknockyour ightout
,”

“
Shet
ookhermedi
cat
ion,
Isawher
,”

“Ibel
ieveyou.Lookyouneedt odealwithwhatever
youwentt hroughother
wise,If
earfortheworst.
Depressedpeopl edon’
tknowthey’
redepressed
unti
lsomet hingbadhappensli
kealcoholi
csdon’t
knowt hey’
realcoholi
csunt ilt
heyrunoverachi ld
becauseofdrunkdr iving.Igaveyourfil
et othe
headofpsychandsheal sosaysi t
’snotlooking
good,”heexplained.“Shecoul dspeaktoyoui fyou
want,youcanbeseei ngher …”

“
Likeat
her
api
st?
”Iasked.

“Youcanlookatitthatway,
butmoreli
kea
psychol
ogist
.She’sgoodandveryni
ce;Ibel
ieve
youtwowi l
lgetal
ong,”

“DoIhavetoseeherdoc?”Idon’twanttoseeno
stupi
dpsychol
ogi
stortherapi
st.Idon’
tcarehow
nicet
heyare.

“
Takeyourmedsandthencomebackaf
teramont
h,
we’
l
lhavealookatyouagai
n,”
Ataround10i
nthemorning;
wewer edr
ivi
ngi
nat
home.MziandMandlawereout
sidebot
honthei
r
phones.Wear
eintr
ouble…
“Notawor
daboutt
hepi
ll
s,
”Isai
dbef
oreMzi
coul
d
openmydoor
.
“Whatthefuckisthi
s?Wher
eareyoutwocomi
ng
fr
om? ”Mziasked.Heisf
uri
ous.Hehel
pedmeget
out.

“
Thewoundopened,soIaskedPal
esat
odr
iveme
t
othehospi
tal
,
”Ispi
ll
edthebeans.

“
Whydi
dn’
tyouwakeusup?
”Mandl
aasked.

“Wedi
dn’twanttobotherguys:butwe’
reher
enow
andwe’
refine,
”Isai
d.

“Fi
ne,don’
tdothatagai
n.Wehadal
readyst
art
ed
cal
li
ngourpeople,
”Mzisays.
“
Yourpeopl
e?”
-Me

“
Yes,
ourpeopl
e”-Mzi

Letmenotevenbother.Iknowmybr ot
hersare
i
nvolvedi
ndodgythingsandIt hinkatt
hisstage,
thel
essIknowthebetter.Iheadedinsi
de.

“
Sis…si
s”Mandl
acal
ledmewi
thhast
e

“
YesMandl
a,”Il
ookedathi
m.

“
Ther
e’s…hmmm”suddenl
yMandl
acan’
tspeaknow,

“
What’supdude,
tal
k”Mandl
alookedatMzi
,Mzi
l
ookedaway.
“What
’shappeni
ngguys?I
sever
ythi
ngokay?
”
Pal
esaasked.

“
Mzamoi
sinsi
de,
”Mzibl
urt
sout
.

“Insidet hehousenow? ”IaskedandMzi nodded.

“Okay, ”thatokaywaswhi spered.Suddenlymy
tonguei sdry.Mygut saret ossingandturni
ng.Ifeel
l
ikeIam goi ngtothrowup.Iki ssedhi
sbestf r
iend.
Hel pme.Thel astti
meIsawhi m hehadveins
poppi ngoutofhi sforeheadandneck.Hi seyes
wer ebl oodredandi tlookedl i
ketheywereseconds
awayf rom popping.Thel asttimeIsawhi m,hewas
basical l
yabeast .

[
01/
05,
13:
50] : ENTRY56

I
’
LLNEVERSTOPDREAMI
NGTHATONEDAYWE
CANBEAREALFAMILY,TOGETHER,
ALLOFUS
LAUGHI
NGANDTALKING,LOVINGAND
UNDERSTANDI
NG,
NOTLOOKI NGATTHEPAST
BUTONLYTOTHEFUTURE.
-
LaToyaJackson.

Igotint
ot hehouseandmyeyesi mmedi atel
y
scoutedthehousef ormybr other.Thereheis
comingoutofMzi ’
sroom.“ Unjani?”heasked.I
didn’
tknowwhatt osay.Ijustlookedathim.What
shouldIsay?“ Youlookbeautiful
,”real
ly?He
soundslikeLikhakha.Ichuckled.

“Mzamo, Iam sosorry.I

twasami stake;Iwas
hur
tingfrom thebreakwithLi
khakha.Iguessithi
t
mehar derthanIthought,
”Iapol
ogized.

“Don’tdothatBuhle,don’
tyoudaredothat
,”hetook
giantleapstogetri
ghtinfrontofme.Hepull
edme
i
nt ohischest.“
Ishotyou,Iam wrong…I
’minthe
wrong.I’
mtheonewho’
ssor
ry.Don’
tyoudar
e
apol
ogizetome,
”

“I
twasami stakeMzamo.Therewasal otof
commot i
on,Imightpushedyourf
inger,anyt
hingi
s
possibl
e,
”Isaidtr
yingtomakethi
ssituati
onseem
bett
er.Il
ookedupathim.

“Iam supposedt
opr
otectyou,
nothur
tyou,
”he
says.

“Youwereangr
y,Iunder
stand…Ipromi
sebhut
i
wam,”(
Mybr ot
her)Pal
esainwalkedwit
hMandla
andMzi.

“Hmm Mzi,I
’l
lbegonef
oral
it
tlewhi
le,
”whenhe
sai
dthatInot
icedt
hebagonthecouch.Howdi
dI
missi
t?
“
Areyougoi
ngbackt
othehospi
tal
?”Iasked.

“
No,Iwi
llbest
ayingwi
thafr
iend…Ij
ustneedt
o
wor
konmyself,
”hesays.

“Hai
boMzamo,uzosi
shi
yangoku?”(
Mzamo,so
you’
rel
eavi
ngusnow?)Pal
esasayswit
hsadness
i
nhertone.

“Si
sPalesa,
thi
sissomet
hingIneedt
odo.Pl
ease
guys…”

“Youcanwor konyour
selfhereathome.We’l
lall
helpyou…”Isai
dwithdesperati
onoozi
ngallover
myvoi ce.

“Ican’tNobuhl
e,
”therewasadamancei
nhi
stone.“
I
am sick,i
t’
sament alpr
obl
em,”
“
Youarenotsi
ck.I
t’
sacondi t
ionthatcanbe
mai
ntai
nedwithmedi
cation.Wecant akeourmeds
t
oget
her…pl
easedon’
tleaveme,”Ibegged.

“
Don’tdothi
sMzamobr a,
weneedeachot hernow
morethanever
.Pal
esaispregnant
,Buhl
ewillbe
l
eavi
ngussoon…don’tdothat,
”Mandl
asays.

“Dowhatyouneedt odobabybr
o,justtellme
whereyouaresoIcanandseeyounow, ”they
hugged.Ican’
tbel
ieveMzii
ssupporti
ngt his.

“
Nobuhl
e,I
’
llcomeand…”

“Youwanttogoandl
eaveme?Isthatwhatyou
wantMzamowethu,
”myvoicei
strembli
ng.Ihate
howquickl
ymyeyesgetfi
ll
edwit
htearslat
ely.

“
Idon’
twantt
ohur
tyou,
that
’sal
lIeverdo…”
“Fine,
go!Butdon’t
, evenf orasingl
esecond, t
hink
thatyouaredoingthisf orme.Go…”Il efthim
standi
ngthere.Iwenti ntomyr oom andcl osedthe
doorbehind.Il
aiddownf acingtheceil
ing.Hecame
i
nanddr oppedasl abofchocol atebesideme.He
bentdownandki ssedmyf or
ehead.Iheldhi sarm.

“Pl
easedon’tgo,Ican’
tdot
hiswi
thoutyou. .
.Pl
ease
bhutiwam.Iloveyousomuch,”(
Mybr other)I
beggedastearssli
doutmyeyestomyear s.Iam
desperat
e;Ineedhimtobehomewi t
ht herestofus.

“
Buhl
e,l
etgo,
”

“
Please,
”

Hepull
edhisarm awayandheadedf
orthedoor.I
hat
ehim.IhateMziforal
lowi
nghimtoleave.
Shor
tl
yMandlacamei nandweconsoledone
anot
her
.

“
Ishegone?”Iaskedknowi
ngf
ull
ywel
lthathe’
s
l
onggone.

“
Kudal
a,”(
Alongt
imeago,
)heanswer
ed.

“
He’l
lbeback,
”Isai
d.Mzamobel
ongsher
ewi
tht
he
r
estofus.

“
Don’
thol
dyourbr
eat
h,”

“
Hewi
llbeback,
”It
ookonast
accat
o.

At20:00,Mandlacall
edmef orsupper .Iwasn'tup
fori
t.
..
.butIhavetonsofpi
ll
st odrink–ot herwise-
Iwil
lapparentl
yhurtmysel
f.Ili
terall
ydonotcar e
abouteveryt
hingri
ghtnow,Idon'tcareabout
people, Idon' tcareaboutbr eathi
ngandIdon' tcare
aboutt hesest upidpil
ls.Idon' tcaret hisstupi
d
depressi ont hatIdonotf uckinghaveorsee. .
.Ihate
l
ifeandl oveandpeopl eandever yoneandIhat e
myselff orf eelingli
ket hi
s.Ihat ebei ngal i
veIhat e
myf atherf orbei ngdeadandmymot herevenmor e
fordyingf irst.Ihatethisst upidfoodPal esagave
mewhi chbyt hewaywoul dhavet astedsogoodi fI
wasn'tsof uckedupr i
ghtnow.Ihat et hatIwantt o
vomitjustbyl ooki
ngati tandI .
..
.

"Buhl
e,i
na"(Here)Palesadi sturbedmyi nt
ernal
ragi
ng.Shehandedmeagl assofwat eral
ongwith
mypill
s.Ihadgatheredal lthepi l
lsinonebag.
Befor
eIcouldthrowthem downmyt hroat
,Ihada
goodlookatthem.Ther e’sjustsomany, i
fIadda
fewmor eI
’l
lbecommi tt
ingsui cide.Igulpedthem
downallatthegetgo, It
hr ewi nwat erand
swall
owed.

“
Isawyourpi
ll
sNobuhl
e,
”Mzisays.“
Yougot
anti
depressantsagai
n,”Inodded.“
Andyousawi
t
besttonottellus?
”

“Actual
lyyes,
”Isai
dsof
tl
y.Hebangedt
het
abl
eand
Palesajumped.
“
Mzi
,whatt
hehel
l?
”Isai
d.

“I
’m sor
rylove,
”herubbedherhandsof
tl
y.“
Iam
gett
ingti
redofyourstupi
dgamesNobuhle,
”he
says.

“
Okay,canwenotfightplease;i
t’
sjustpi
ll
s.Idi
dn’t
wantt
ostressyouguys.”Idefendedmyst upi
dit
y.

“
Youshoul
dhavet
oldus,
”Mandl
asays.

“Iam notdyi
ng,appar
entl
yI’
m depresseda
l
itt
le…butIdon’
tthi
nkit
’st
rueguys.Calm down,
bothofyou,”
“Idon’
tknowwhatyout hi
nkthi
sis.Youthinkjust
becauseyou’
retheonewhogothur tyou’
retheonly
onewho’shurt
ing?Don’tbesofucki
nselfi
sh,”he
headedfort
hedoor.“Fuckyou!
”
Myj
awsdr
oppedt
othegr
ound.Real
ly?

“Nobuhle,l
ikeyourbr othersaidyouarenottheonly
onewhoi shur t
ingher e.Thinkabouthowt heymust
befeel
ingwi theverythingthathashappened.St op
hurt
ingpeopl e,
st ophurtingyourbrot
hersandst op
hurt
ingyour sel
f,”Pal
esashoot shershots.“You
havenoi deahowmuchyourbr ot
herisworried
aboutyou.Don’ tbeselfish,
”shefoll
owedherman.

Il
ookedatMandl a.“
Ifyouwanttoshoutatme, I
’
d
suggestyoudoitnowwhi leyousti
llhavethe
chance.Lat
eryouwon’ tgett
hisopportuni
ty,
”Isay.

Hesi
ghed.“
Letmet
akeyout
obedBuhl
e,
”hesays.
Mysweetl
it
tl
ebrother
,toopr
eci
ous;butIcantel
lhe
i
smadatmet hough.Letmenotspeakanyfur
ther.

Aroundtwelveint hemidnight;Mzijoinedmei nbed.

Wet al
kedaboutt hisdepressionandwhat ’s
happening.That’
swhatIl ikeaboutMzi ,hewill
comet oyouwhenhei scal m andtalkaboutthe
i
ssue.That’swisdom rightthere.

“
Bhut
i,yousai
dfuckme,
”Ir
emi
ndhi
m.

“
Yes.YesIdi
d,Ir
emember
,”

“
What
?!.
..
apol
ogi
ze,
”Idemanded.

“
Nah,
I’
m good,
”her
efused.

“
Anyway,
joke’
sonyoubecauseIcan’
tfuck
mys…di
dyouheart
hat
?”

“
Yeah,maybei
t’
sMandla,
”Itsoundedl
iket
hedoor
wasopeni
ng.Mandl
aisprobabl
ygoingtouri
nat
e.

“That
’snotMandl
a,thepersoni
sstr
uggli
ng,It
hink
they’
ret
ryi
ngtobreakin,
”wesatupstr
aight
,as
painf
ulasitwasf
orme.

“Youar er i
ght
,Iam ki l
li
ngwhoevert hatis.St ay
here,”hecheckedt hewindowt henexited.Whot he
helli
sdumbt obr eakintotheMqokel ihousehol d?
Thisper sonclearlyhasadeat hwish, i
twillsurely
comet r
ueanymi nutefrom now.Igotoutofbed
andst oodbyt hedoor ,Iguesstober eadyf or
what ever.Thelightsaresti
llof
fandt hisper sonis
sti
llouttheretryingtobreakin.Iheardagun
cockingandi t’
sf rom i
nsidethehouse.Iopenedt he
dooral itt
leandst uckmyheadout .
“
Youboys,
becar
eful
,
”Iwhi
sper
ed.

“
Stayt
her
e,”I
’
m notsur
ewhosai
d,t
hat
.

“
Your
ubberneck,
”BOOM,
agunwentof
f.

“Mzi
!”t
hat
’sPal
esa,
agai
n,scr
eami
ngheror
gans
out
.

“
Whatthefuck?
!?I
t’
sme…don’
tshoot
.It
’sme
Mzamo,”whatt
hehelli
swr
ongwitht
hisboy.

“Whythef uckareyoubreakingin?”Mziasked
breat
hingheavi l
y.Igotoutandswi t
chedthel
ight
onandi twasr eal
lyhi
m.ItwasMzamo.Iknewhe’ d
beback.Iwal keduptohim withhaste.

“
Areyouhur
t?Di
dithi
tyou?
”Ianal
ysedhi
m.
“
I’
mfi
ne,
”hesays.

“
Pal
esa,
it’
sokayl
ove,
”Mzishout
ed.“
It
’sMzamo”

“Mfet
huutheni?Ungutsotsingoku,
whythehel
lar
e
youbreakin?
”(Browhat ’
shappening?Ar
eyoua
cri
minalnow?)Mandlaasked.

“It
hinkIl
eftmykeyher
eear l
ier
?”hesays.Pal
esa
walkedoutoft
heroom shaken.“
SisPal
esaI’m so
sorr
yIscaredyou”

“
Whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?”sheasked.

“
Iwantt
ocomeback.I
’
m back,
”hesays.

“
Forgood?
”Iasked.Henodded.Thatmademy
hear
tsmi
le.

Iwokeupt othesmel lofoi

l,
Ilookedatt het imeon
myphone.I tsj ustpast10.Whatt hehel lisPalesa
cooking.Icanheart hesoundsofl aught er.Ther
e
areinsult
sbei ngt hr
ownacr osst het able.Ihear
utensil
shitt
ingagai nsttheplates.It’
sj usta
beautif
ulcacophonyt omyear s.

“
Whatishappening?”Iaskedleaningagai
nstt
he
wal
lforbal
ance.I’
m sti
llhal
fasleep.

“Wewokeuptot
his,”Mandlasayswi
thamouthful
l
oft
hechi
ckenhejustbi
t.Iseebagsf
rom KFC.

“Givemeami nuteI’
m coming.Iquickl
ywashedmy
faceandbr ushedmyt eet
h.Imademysel facupof
coffeeandjoinedthem.Iseefriedeggs,viennas,
bacon,toastedbreadandawhol el
otmor e.Ifeel
sick,t
hereisjustalotonthi
stable.
“Pal
esa,whathappened?Di
dyougot otown?”I
askedgrabbi
ngapieceofchi
cken.Ihavetoeat;I
can’
tlett
hismomentpasswithoutpar
tici
pat
ing.

“No,thi
sisallyourbrother,Mzamo, ”shesays.Now
i
tallmakessense, whenMzamosi nsagainstyou,
hewi l
lgooverboardtryingtoshowyouhowsor r
y
heis.Hisapologiesareexaggerated.Ilookedat
him andthrewawi nkhisdi r
ect
ion.He
acknowledgeditbywi nkingback.

SohereIam sitt
ingwi t
hallthreeofmybr others
andmybr other
’sf i
ancéandt hey’
realll
aughi ngand
teasi
ngoneanot her.If
eelcalm, t
hismoment
makessenseandIneedt ohol dont oit
, andjust
baskint
oitwhileit’sst
il
lhere.Everyonet hat’
snot
hereIguessisnotmeantt obeher e.Rightnow; I
needtojoi
ni nont hehappinessbrimmi ngont he
facesofmyf amily.

“
Nqonqo,
”(Knockknock)weal
lsi
mul
taneousl
y
tur
nedourheadst othedoor.Letmedi enow.What
i
shedoi nghere?Mygut sareturningandIdon’t
thi
nkI’
m breathi
ng.Ibitmylowerl i
p.Thesil
enceis
awkward.“Ihear
dyouwer eback, soIthoughtI
shoul
dcomeandseeyou, ”hesaysl ooki
ngat
Mzamo.Hi seyesstart
edwonder ingbetween
mysel
fandhi sbestfri
end.

“
Yeah,
I’
m back,
”Mzamosays.

“Ial
sowanttoapol
ogize;especi
all
ytoBuhle…Iam
sososorr
y.IknowIruinedagoodr el
a..
.”

“Sizwe,sitt
hefuckdownandeat .You’
llbi
teyour
tongue,
”Mzamosays.Ever yonelit
eral
lysi
ghed
heavil
y.Ididn’
treal
iseIwasn’ttheonlyoneholdi
ng
mybr eath.NowIam t hough.

“Youguysneedt
ohugi
tout
,”Mandl
asays.Si
zwe
openedhisar
msandMzamoindul
ged.
“Don’tf
uckar oundboy,”saidMzamoembr acing
him.Sizwej oinedus.Hehasn’ tsaidawor dt ome
andIpr aythathekeepsi tl
ikethatbecausemy
tongueisdr y.Inbetweent hetalki
ngandl aughingI
keepingcatchi nghim stari
ngatme.Hi seyesar e
dir
tyandevi l.Idon’
tthinkhemeanthi sapology.Or
maybei t’
sme…maybeI ’mjustlookingtoomuch
i
ntothings.Cal m downsi s..

“
Buhl
e,how’
sthewound?
”Si
zweasked.

“I
…It
’sgetti
ngbett
er,
”thesoundofmyvoice
soundedstranget
omyear s.“I
t’
sst
il
lverypai
nful
,
butPalesahasbeenmyguar di
anangel,
”Isai
d.

“
Igotyoubabes”shesai
dbl
ushi
ng.

“LookatyouPalesa,j
ustbeingagoodsist
eri
n-l
aw
andeveryt
hing,
”Sizwesaid.WhenIlookedupmy
eyesmetwit
hhis.Idon’tl
iket
hewayheisl
ooki
ng
atmeatal
l.Iwon’tsayanythi
ngt
oanyone.

[
01/
05,
13:
51] : ENTRY57

LI
FECANONLYBEUNDERSTOODBACKWARDS
BUTI
TMUSTBELIVEDFORWARDS.
-
Sor
enKi
erkegaar
d

Ithasbeenal ongdaywi t
hl ecturesfrom 7:45unt i
l
now, 14:20.Ileftinahurry,Icoul dn’
teveneat .Okay
al i
tt
leupdat e.Iam curr
entlyi nmysecondyearand
Imustsayl awi snochil
d’spl ay.Assi gnment sand
examsar eli
terall
ythedeathofmebutI ’vebeen
copingpr et
tywel lsofar.Idon’ tstayatr es,my
brothersinsistedIstayatanear byf l
at.Icaneither
wal ktoschoolort akeashut t
le.Myf irstyearwas
kindofdi f
fi
cul t,
Ievenwant edt oqui t
.Fort hefi
rst
fewmont hspeopl ewerest ari
ng, askingme
questionsaboutRhadebeandi fIreal
lydidki
llhi
m.
Iwasr eallydepressed,hadnofriendsbecause
anyonet hatcamecl oset omewasj ustcuri
ous
aboutmypastandmybr other
s.Itwasli
kemy
brothers'shadowsf ol
lowedmet oKZN.Ihave
earphonesonl isteni
ngt oSweetestDevoti
onby
Adele.

THESWEETESTDEVOTI
ON
HI
TMELI
KEANEXPLOSI
ON
ALLOFMYLI
FEI
’
VEBEENFROZEN
THESWEETESTDEVOTI
ONIKNOW

Iknowaf ewpeoplenow,butItrymyhardestbest
tokeeptherealonescl
ose.Iknowwhent hey’
renot
real
.Oneper sont
hathasbeenrealt
omei s
Londeka,Icansafel
ysayshe’smyfri
end.
RememberwhenIcamet opaymyfeesandsign
somepaperswit
hSi zweandarandom gi
rlsmi
led
atmefrom adi
stanceandIsmil
edback?We
becameverycl
osefriends.

“
Heyf
ri
end,
”shesai
dshovi
ngherar
minmi
ne.

“HeyBubbles,
”Isaid.Shehasver
ybigeyes,t
hey
l
ookl i
kebubbl
es.Andi t
’swei
rdbecausesheuses
glassesandherglassesar
eequall
ybig.

“Arewest il
lonforburgersatst eer
s,I
’m hungry,
”
shewallowed.Londekal ovesfood;shef ini
shesal l
thefoodinmyhouse.Shest aysatar esi ntown
andherbei nganNSFASbaby, shecan’tgetenough
goodiestof eedherneverendingappetite.And
l
uckilyforme, mybrotherssendmemor ethan
enoughmoney.Somet imesItakeheroutshoppi ng
withmyownmoneyandIdon’ tmi ndbecauseshe’ s
aniceper son.SheknowshowmuchIhat ecleaning
sowhenshecomesovershecl eansandcook
amazingfood.Andsomet
imes,
whenshehas
enoughcashshetakesmeoutandbuymegi
fts.

“
Mostdeff
ri
end,
I’
m al
soki
ndofhungr
y,”Isai
d.

“Thefoodinthecafet
eriaisvomitworthy,
youlook
cutebytheway,Iam takingthattop”wealsowear
eachother’
sclot
hes.Shehasagoodsenseofst yl
e
andmostoft heti
meshedr essesmeupandt akes
pict
uresforherI
nstagram page.

“
Whataboutthosewhi
teear
ri
ngsyousai
dyou’
d
r
etur
n?”Isay

“Iret
urnedt hem chomam, ”shesays.Ohyes, she
didreturnthem,Iwor ethem af t
er.Ismil
edfrom ear
toear.“Lookatyou, andIsai dI’
mt aki
ngt hetopnot
borrowing,”shealsosmi ledeartoear.Wecr ossed
overtother est
aurantsacr ossthegate.There’sKFC,
Debonai r
s,Steer
sandFi shawaysouther eandi t
’s
al
wayspackedwit
hst
udentsaroundt
hist
ime.We
ent
eredatSt
eer
sandjoi
nedthecue.

“How’sLi
ndani
?”sheaskedconcent
rat
ingonher
phone.

“
Idon’
tknow,
”

“
Fri
end!
”shel
ookedatmewi
thdi
sbel
ief
.

“Idon’
tknowf
ri
endr eal
ly,
let
’snott
alkabouthi
m,”I
said.“
AndMxoli
si?
”Iasked.

“
We’r
egoingouttonighttothemovi
es,
doyouwant
t
otagal
ong?”herfacelitup.

“
No,youki
dshavefun.IhaveHOW TOGETAWAY
WITHMURDERt obi
ngewat ch,
”
“
Okay,butnextweek,
sleep-
overatyourhouse
r
ight
?”

“
Yes,
I’
llbel
ooki
ngf
ormovi
es,
”

“Whenar eyouleavingforhome?”sheasked.Yeah
I’
m goingbackhomesoonf oravisi
t,pl
usmy
bir
thdayparty.Mybr ot
herswanttothrowali
ttl
e
somet hi
ngforme, whichIopposedbutitwasthree
againstone.

“
Ithi
nktomor
row,f
ri
endIdon’tknowanyt
hing,
”we
l
aughed.“
Mybrot
hersl
it
eral
lyrunthi
sshow,”

“
Tel
lmeabouti
t,especi
all
yMzamo.
”

Iopenedmyeyeswi
de.“
Kil
lmenow,
”
“
I’
m sor
ryIcan’
tmakei
tBuhl
eneh,
”shef
rowns.

“
I’
llt
ellt
heboysyouweresadyoucouldn’
tcomeso
t
hey’l
lgivememoneytotakeyouout
,”

“
Yaaaaaschomam,
mil
kthem,
”webot
hmi
lkedan
i
maginar
ycow.

“Milkthem,
”wel aughedhyster
icall
y.Wefinall
ygot
tothecounterandor der
ed.Wehadourmeal sand
thenwentoursepar ateways.Wellherboyfr
iend
pickedherup;

“
Iloveyouchomam,
”shecr
iedast
hecardr
ove,
”

“Il
oveyouf r
iend,
”Ishout
ed.Ir
equest
edforanUber
,
thenextshuttl
eisal
mostanhourawayfrom
arr
ivi
ng.AndIam notabouttowaitt
hatl
ong.
Ispendmostofmyt imeatschoolorathome.
Eit
herwi thBubbl esorbymysel f.WhenIgothome;I
i
mmedi at el
ydozedof f
.Here’stost ayi
ngupt he
wholenightt onight.WhenIwokeup;It ookaqui ck
showerj usttogetaf reshfeel.IthrewonLi ndani’
s
sweaterandputonsomesocks.Thati smyst ayat
homeal oneout f
it.Socksandabi gasst -shi
rtor
sweater;mostofwhi chIstealfrom mybr ot
hers
andLindani .Rightnow;Icoul dei therstudy,bi
nge
watchHOW TOGETAWAYWI THMURDERorst art
packi
ng.Bi ngewat chingitis…
“Previ
ousl
yonhowt ogetawaywithmurder
,”Isai
d
simult
aneousl
ywiththet
v.There’
saknockont he
door.Maybethat
’sBubbl
es,shecomes
unannouncedatti
mes,butshehasthekey.
“
Bubbl
es,
didyouloseyourkey?
”Isai
dpi
cki
ngup
t
heremot
etopause.

“Mami,i
t’
sme,”t
hatmustbeLi
ndani
.Iti
sLindani
.I
openedthedoor
.“Hey,
”hei
mmediat
elyt
hrewa
smi l
e.Ist eppedasi def orhi mt ocomei n.Beforehe
wenti t
, hepl atedaki ssonmyl i
pswhi chIgladly
recipr
ocat ed.Li ndaniandIhavebeent ogetherfor
about6mont hsnowandwe’ vebr okenupt wice.I
can’treal l
ysayi t’
saser iousr elat
ionshipbecause
mybr ot her sdon’ treal l
yknowabouti t
.He
i
nt r
oducedmet ohi sf ri
endsandf amilywithin3
mont hsofdat i
ng.Il i
kehi m, buthehasj erk
tendenci es.Forexampl e;heneversaysIl ook
beautiful, i
nst eadhe’ llsay“ yougotboot yfordays”
andspankmyass.Oh, howIhat eitwhenhesays,
“Manje, ngi li
tholani n’ikhekhe? ”(Whenar ewe
havingsex? )don’twor ry, Ihaven’tsleptwithhim
andIdon’ tthinkthatwi llbehappeni nganyt i
me
soon.Af terwewat chedanepi sodeofHTGAWM he
gotacal lf r
om af r
iendandhadt oleave.

Iwokeupveryearlyinthemorning,andstar
ted
packi
ng.Iam ver
yexci t
edtobegoinghomer eall
y,
j
usttoseemybr othersandcelebr
atemyupcomi ng
21stbi
rt
hdaywi t
ht hem andt
heirfr
iends.
“
Buhl
e,
”whati
shedoi
ngher
e?Ir
ushedovert
othe
doorandopen.“
Goodmor
ningmami
,
”hesai
d.

“Li
ndani,goodmorning,”Iwrappedmyar msaround
hisnecks.Heisnotveryt al
lsoIdon’tneedt
ostand
onmyt oest obeabletokisshim.“Iseeyoucan’
t
getenoughofme, ”

“
I’
m notget
ti
nganyofyouboo,”hegrabbedmybut
t
wit
hbothhands.“
Whyaren’
tyoudressed?”

“
I’
lldressupwhenmybrot
herget
sher
e,”Isai
dand
walkedovert
othel
ounge.

“
Yourbr
other
?”

“
Yes,
he’
spi
cki
ngmeup,
”Isai
d

“
Whatdoyoumeanhe’
spi
cki
ngyouup?
”heasked.
“WhatdoyoumeanwhatdoImeanhe’
spi
cki
ngme
up?He’l
lbeher
eanyminut
e,he’
spi
cki
ngmeup.I
’
m
goi
nghome,”Isay.

“
Whatthefuckf
or?Andwhydon’
tIknowabout
t
his?
”hesaysli
kehehassomesortofr
ight
sover
mymovement.

“Li
ndani,
Itol
dyoulastweek.Ievensentyouatext
remindi
ngyou.Youneedtoleavebeforeheget
s
here,
”

“Ar
eyoucheat
ingonme?
”het
ookonasof
ttone.I
s
heoutofhi
smind?

“
Wit
hwhomybr
other
s?”

“
Youar
eal
wayst
alki
ngaboutyourbr
other
s,goi
ng
homet oyourbrother
s,goi
ngoutwit
hyourbrot
her
s.
I’
m star
ti
ngtohavedoubt snow…”hescof
fed,
“Uyangi
febel
a,”(You’
recheat
ingonme)

“Doyouknowhowst upi
dyousoundLindani
?Are
youli
steni
ngtoyour
self
?Mybrother
,Mandlaison
hisway…Iam goi
nghome?”

“Youneedtochoose,
meoryourbr
other
s.Youcan’
t
dateyourbr
other
s…”

“
Whatt
heactualfuckLi
ndani
…”Ishi
ft
edmywei
ght
t
oonesi
derestedmyhandsonmyhi ps.

“Who’sthi
s?”Mandlajustwal
kedin.Iswearmy
brot
hershaveastealt
horincogni
tomodet heyal
l
assumef r
om t
imetotime.Whendi dhegethere?

“
Bhut
i,
”Igavehi
m ahugandt
hencuppedhi
sface
andpul
ledi
ttowardsmysel
f.Ithenpl
ant
edaki
ss
onhi
scheek.“youhungr
y?”Iasked.

“I
’m okayfornow.Whoi
st hi
s?”nowLindanican’
t
speak,suddenl
yhe’sal
it
tl
eboyt onguet
ied.

“Mandla,thi
sisLi
nadaniMkhi
zeandheisl
eavi
ng.
Lindanit
hisisMandl
a,mybrother
…hei
shereto
fetchme,”Isai
d.

“
ShoMandla,
”Li
ndanisai
dandstr
etchedhi
shand
t
owardsMandl
a.Mandlal
ookedati
t,thenl
ookedat
me.

“Letmetakeaqui cknapbef orewehittheroad,

”he
passedandl ef
tLindanihanging.Akward…so
awkward.Mandl aisactuall
yyoungerthanLindani
,
butyouwillneverguesst hatf
rom thi
sakward
encount
er.Lindanijustshrunkint
oan
uncir
cumcisedboy.
“
Go,
”Imi
med.

“
choose,
”hewhi
sper
ed.

“Ichoosemybr other s,getout,

”Ipoi
ntedatt hedoor.
Heclickedhi
st ongueandl eft
.I’
m notevenhur tby
thi
ssupposedbr eakupbecausewe’ vebrokenup
beforeandIdidn’tcry.I’m notevensad.IthinkIcan
sayIam disi
ll
usionedbyt hiswholeideaofazul u
hunk.Mandlaisasl eepi nmyr oom.Letmej ust
packupaf ewf i
nalt hingswhi l
eIwaitforhim.

[
01/
05,
13:
51] : ENTRY58

ANDTHEDAYCAMEWHENTHERISKTOREMAI
N
TI
GHTINABUDWASMOREPAINFULTHANTHE
RI
SKITTOOKTOBLOSSOM.
-
Anai
sNi
n

“Wakeup,”Ifel
tIal
it
tl
enudgeontheshoulder.I
openedmyeyesandf oundMandlakneel
inginfr
ont
ofme.“You’l
lsl
eepi
nt hecar
,dr
essup,”hesays.

“
I’
m up,
”

“I
’l
lputthebagsinthecar
,getyour
selfready.”
Withinhal
fanhourwewer eout.Wemadeadet our
tothemalltogetsomesnacksfortheroad.I’
m
walkingbehi
ndhim sl
owlyscanni
ngtheshel vesf
or
anythingwemightneed.

“
Don’
tyouneedyourt
hings?
”heasked.

“
Whatt
hings?
”
“
YourAl
waysvagi
nat
hings…”

“
Ohpads, yesIshoul
dgett hose,
”hetookt
hem of
f
t
heshelfandwavedt hem atme.Inoddedto
i
ndi
catethathegottheri
ght sones.

Hethr
ewthem insi
det
hebaskethe’
scar
ryi
ng.“
And
t
hese,
”hepickedupaboxofKotext
ampons.

“No,Idon’
tusethose…thoughIshoul dconsi
der
usi
ngt hem.Bubblessaystheyar ecomfyandwhen
youwearone,itdoesn’
tatallfeelli
keapenis
poki
ngt hr
oughyourvagina,”

“Si
s,Idon’twanttoknowwhatyouandBubbl estal
k
aboutconcerningyourleakingdays,
no…”hesaid
andcontinuedwalking.Ifoll
owedhim.Igr
abbed3
bott
lesofDettolhandsani t
izer
sandthr
ewt hem i
n
thebasket.Helookedbackatmewi t
honeeyebrow
rai
sed.
“
What
?”Ir
aisedmyshoul
der
s.

“ThatZul
uni
ggabeenpoki
ngt
hroughyourvagi
na?
”
heasks.

“Ohno,hellno…no,Ipr
omi se.Andevenifhewas;I
wasn’
tgoingt otel
lyouthat,butLi
ndanii
snot
poki
ngthroughmynunu, ”Isaid.

“Hebetternot
,thatboyisweakasshi
t,I
’m sur
ehi
s
dickai
n’tevencir
cumcisedsoyouwon’tevenenj
oy
i
t,”whatthehel
l…

“Iam goingtowalkawayfrom younow.Iwil

lbeby
theti
l
l,”Ili
ter
all
ywalkedawayfrom hi
m.Thistal
kis
j
usttoomuchandt ooawkwardf orme.Af
terour
i
temshadbeenscanned;It ookoutmywal l
etand
openedi t
.
“Don’tdothat,
”hesays.Hetookoutathi
ckstackof
cashf r
om hisbackpocketandpaid.Whydoeshe
havesomuchcashwi thhim?it
’sheldt
ogetherbya
rubberband.Hasheeverheardofabankaccount ?

“Suchasweetguy, Iwishmyboyfri
endwasj ustl
ike
him,”theIndi
anladybehindthet
il
lsays.Mandla
l
ookedatmeandIi maginethisl
ady’
sstatement
j
ustt ookhim backt
ohighschoolasitdidme.

“Well
,heisani
ceaguy,
buthe’
sal
somyl
it
tl
e
brot
her,
”

“
Oh, I
’
m sosor
rysir
.NowIcanseether
esemblance.
I
’vebeenwat
chingyousi
nceyoucamein,
you
makeagoodpair,
”

“
He’
salsomyf r
iend,butwedogett
hatl
ot,
”Ismi
led.
“
Havealovel
yevening,”Isai
d.
Idon’tknowhowlongwe’
vebeendri
vingbutIknow
thatIam nowver
ymuchagit
atedandIneedabed.

“
Buhl
e,
”hecal
ledme.

“
Yeah,
”

“Doyour ememberwhendaddied?”heasked.If
eel
l
ikehe’sgoingt
ogetnost
algi
c.I’
m notabigfanof
nost
algia.

“Jah,”Youknow, untilt
hisday,Ihavenoi deahow
myf atherdied.Thepol icejuststoppedcomi ngt
o
myhousef orinterviews.Ital
lendedl i
keitnever
star
ted,li
keIwasn’ tasuspect.WhenIaskmy
brothersaboutit;theyt r
ytheirhardestbestto
brushawayt hetopicsoIj uststoppedasking.I
fi
guredIshoul dmoveonwi thli
fe.
“Isai
dreal
lymeanthi
ngstoyouandIneverr
eal
ly
gotachancetoapol
ogizepr
oper
ly.Iwasj
ustmean
toyou,”

“
Mandlat
hatwas2year
sago,
I’
vef
orgot
tenabout
t
hat
,”

“Ij
ustwantedtoapol
ogize;i
t’
sbeenhaunt
ingme.
Especi
all
ysinceyouneverreal
lysai
dyoufor
give
me,I’
m sorr
y,”

“EvenifIdon’tsayIforgiveyou,youshoul
d
automatical
lyknowt hatIforgi
veyoubecause
you’r
emybr ot her
.”Isaid.

“Nah,that
’swrong,
thenI’l
lenduptakingadvant
age
ofyourautomaticf
orgi
veness.That’
swhat
Mzamowet hui
sdoing,hegotusedtobeing
for
givenbecausehe’syourbrot
her,
”
“
Ifor
giveyoudor
kface,
”Isai
d.

“
Ok,
youmaysl
eepnow,
”

Mybr other
sneverall
owmet odri
vewhent hey’r
ein
thecarbecauseapparentl
ymydrivi
ngsucksand
I
’mt ooslow.Theprobl
em witht
hem isthat
;they
forgett
heyarenotcastmembersoftheFASTAND
FURI OUSnoneofthem isVinDi
eselorJason
Statham.

“Heyhey, wakeup,youhavi
ngabaddr eam,”I
openedmyeyesandscannedmysur r
oundi ngs.I’
m
stil
linthecar.“
Whatdidyousee?”heasked.Outof
allmybr ot
hers;Mandl
aistheonlyonet hattakes
mydr eamsseri
ous.WhenIdream ofsomet hingit
happens, t
houghsometimesnotexactlyasI
dreamedi t
.ButIknowwhenadr eam islikea
war ni
ng,aheadsuporjustastupiddream;likethi
s
onet i
meIhadadr eam wasaf orkdanci ngona
plat
e, t
het houghtofi tjustmakeswantt olaugh.I
don’tknowwhatIbel i
ever eally.Okay, Ido
acknowl edget hatthereisapoweroutt here,af or
ce
greaterthanme;Idon’ tknowwhet hertocallthat
powerGodsoIj uststicktopower .Ibeli
evet hat
thereisanot herwor l
dint hei nvisibleand
somet i
mest hereisabat tl
ebet weent hephysi cal
worldandt hespiri
tualwor ld.Andsomet imest here
i
sacomi ngtogetheroft heset wor ealms.

Andno, Inevervisi
tedVuyo’smom aboutt he
supposed‘gift
’shesaidImi ghthave.Honestly;I
wasscar edthatshemi ghtsayIneedtobel ikeher .
Li
keweart hosebeadsandt hrowbonesforpeopl e
andhaveahutwi thallsort
sofherbs.Ican’tdot hat.
Idon’tseemyselfbeingl i
keher,I
’
m alawyer ,nota
beadwear i
ng,bonet hrowingandancestorcal l
ing
person.

“
Isawmysel
fandt
hreeofyouguys…andamani
na
sui
t,
”Isay.
“
Amani
nasui
t?”hesays.

“Yeah,hewastryingt
ot akemeawayf r om you
guys,andyouwer efi
ghtinghim al
sotryingtotake
meawayf rom him.Iwasj ustl
ookingatyouguys
fi
ghti
ngovermybodyl i
keIwasdead, ”

“
Whatt
hef
uck?Wer
eyoudead?
”heasked.

“No,Iwasverymuchalive.Butthewayyouwere
fi
ghtingoverme…Iwasjustwatchingyou,
not
sayi
nganyt hi
ng.Myheartwasheavy,li
keIwas
real
lysad.Thisi
snotj
ustadr eam.”

“
Shi
t!Okay,
don’
tsl
eep,
we’
real
mostt
her
e,”

Homesweethome.Mybrot
hersaredoi
ngagr eat
j
obwit
hthehouse,t
heyj
ustkeepext
endingand
changi
ngt
his.Sl
owl
ythi
ngsar
echangi
ngf
orus.

“Theyar
ef astasleep,
”Pal
esasai
dopeni
ngher
armsgett
ingr eadytohugme.

“Mybrot
her
sar
eget
ti
ngol
d,”weembr
acedeach
other
.

“
Imi
ssedyouBuhl
e,
”shesays.

“
Lor
ddi
dImi
ssyou,
wher
e’sMonwabi
si?
”Iasked.

“
Healsof
ellasleep.He’sinbedwithhisdad…Buhle,
mybabywaitedf oryou.Hekeptsayi
nghe’swait
ing
f
orhi
sbestfriend,”

“
Ijustl
ovehowhebelievest
hat
,”Monwabisii
s
Mzi’
sson,t
heycont
inuedwitht
heMM trendandI
couldn’
tbehappi erformybr other
.7mont hsinto
herpregnancy;Ihadadr eam dadwastell
ingmet o
tel
lMzitost opwor r
ying,theboyisfi
ne,f
ordaysI
wasconf used.Whatboywasdadwast alkingabout.
Afewdaysl ater,Palesahadcont r
act
ionsandt hen
Mzigotsof rant
ic,that’
swheni thi
tme.

“
Ohmygosh, ”Isai
dmassagi
ngPal
esa’
sbackt
o
r
eli
eveherofthepai
n.

“
What
?”Mzisays.

“
It
’saboy,
”Ismi
ledf
rom eart
oear
.

“Howdoyouknowt hat?di
dyouguysf
indoutthe
sexofthechil
danddidn’
ttel
lme?
”hehasalookof
betr
ayalal
loverhi
sface.

“
No,
”shesatpr
oper
ly,
“Ifshedi
dgetascani
t
cer
tai
nlywasnotwi
thme.Unlessshedruggedme
anddraggedmetot
hedoctor
,”shesays.

“Pal
esa,didyouseehowsmal
lIam?Wherethehel
l
didIgetthestr
engt
htodr
agyourbigasst
othe
doctor
?”Icockedmyheadtot
heside.

“
It
’st
heonl
yreasonabl
eexpl
anat
ion,
”shesays.

“
Whywoul
dyousayi
t’
saboy?
”Mzi
asked.

“Dad.Ihadadream afewdaysago.Dadwast el
li
ng
met otel
lyoutostopworryi
ngandthatt
heboyis
fi
ne,”SoIrui
nedthei
rplantonotknowthegender
unti
lthedaythebabyarri
ves.

Pal
esaandIgossipedunt
ilshegaveintosleep.I
madeacupofcoffeeandwat chedsoccer
hi
ghli
ght
s.Usual
lywhenIgethome, Mzamoi s
alwayswatchi
ngsoccerhighli
ghts,sothenI’
dlay
myheadonhi slapandwakeupt henextmor ni
ngin
mybed.Iwokeupat8: 30stil
lont hecouch.Today
i
smy21stbi rt
hday…Iam offi
cial
lygrownup.Iam a
biggir
l.Mzamopromisedmet hatt hedayIturn21
they’
deaseuponmeandgi vemeal it
tl
espaceto
beabi ggi
rl
.

Palesahasstart
edcookingandi tsmell
samazing.I
stoodbythedoorandwat chedMzamot alki
ngto
someguybyt hegate.GoshImi ssedhim…he
turnedar
oundandsawme.Hi sfaceli
tupl i
ket
own
doesonChristmas.Hewal kedupt omeand
huggedme.It hi
nkI’
m dying;Ican’tbr
eathe.

“
Bhut
i,Ican’
tbr
eat
he,
”Iut
ter
ed.Hel
aughed

“Imi
ssedyouBuhl
e,I
’
m sohappyyouar
ehome.
Happybi
rt
hday,
”
“Imi
ssedyoutoo,hugmeagain,”Iwr
appedmy
armsaroundhi
sshirtandembracedhi
m.heli
ft
ed
meupaswewer ehugging.

“St
ay,comebackhome.Busi nessi
sdoinggood;i n
j
usttwoyear swewillhavemoneysis…Iam tal
king
aboutrealmoney.Youdon’tneedtostudyorwor k.
Youwillneversuf
feragain,
”hesays,

“Bi
rt
hdaygir
l,
”Mzisangwalki
ngoverwi
thMandla.
Hekissedmycheek.“Youar
e21now…lookatyou,
”

“Iwastel
li
ngbirt
hdaygi r
lher
ethatsheneedst
o
movebackhome, shedoesn’
tneedtostudy
becausewegotever yt
hingundercont
rol
.Whatdo
youguysthink?
”Mzamosays.

“Don’
tyoudar
eanswerthat
,”Isaid.Ever
ytimeI
comehome;Ineedtodebat
ewi ththem aboutwhyI
needtogetmydegr
eeandwor k.Theyar eso
agai
nstmewor ki
ng.“
Whywoul
dyouworkf
or
anot
hermanwhenyourbrot
her
shavesomuch
money,
”they’
dsay.

“
Goandbat
h,yourguest
sar
ear
ri
ving,
”Mandl
asai
d.

“Il
it
eral
lyknow10%oft
hesepeopl
e,t
heyar
eal
l
yourfri
ends,
”Isay.

“
Watchandseehowt hi
syar
dwi l
lbef
il
ledwit
hgi
rl
s
t
ryi
ngtogetMandl
a’satt
ent
ion,
”Mzamosaid.

“Well
,whatcanIsay?Thegirl
swantmor eofallof
thi
s,speaki
ngofgir
ls…whoisthathoneywalki
ng
i
n,”hedrool
edoveragirlt
hatjustwal
kedint
othe
yard.

“
Thati
smyf
ri
end’
sgi
rl
fr
iend,
”Mzi
says.
“Letmewelcomeourguest
,”hesai
dandfi
xedhi
s
hair
.Hethr
ewabubblegum inhismout
handlef
t
us.

“
Boy,
behaveyour
sel
f!
”Mzisai
d.

“
Baby,
”It
urnedandsawKhanyaact
ingl
ikeawi
fe,

“
Yesbaby.
”Mzamor
esponded.

“
It
’sonegoatandonecow,
right
?”sheasked.

“
Yesnana,
”hesays.

“
Happybi
rt
hdayBuhle,
”shet
hrewi
nasmi
leand
r
anbackt
otheki
tchen.

“
Whatt
hehel
l,
agoatandcow?
”Il
ookedatbot
hof
t
hem.

“
Toosmal
lneh?
”Mzisays.

“
It
’st
oomuch,
”Isai
d.

“
Youknowyourpeopl
e,”saidMzi.“
Mandla,
thi
scow
won’
tsl
aught
eri
tsel
f,getyourassher
e,”

Theboyswentt osl aughtert

hecowandgoat .I
nthe
meant i
me;Icleanedmysel fandthenvisi
tedVuyo’s
mom.Justt ogr eether…she’
sbecomeaguar di
anof
somesor tsi
ncemydad’ spassing.Sadl
y;Ifound
herinsi
deherscar yhutand.LordhowIdi sl
ikethi
s
place.

“
I’
vebeenwai
ti
ngf
oryou?
”shesays.
“
Unj
animama,
”(Howar
eyou?
)shest
andst
ohug
me.

“Iam wellmychi ld.Iam sohappyt oseeyou…look

atyou,allgrownup, ”Ismiled.Wetalkedforatl
east
10mi nutes;justgivi
ngheral it
tl
eupdateofwhat’s
beenhappeni nginmyl i
feandshet oohadaf ew
questi
onsaboutDur ban.Shesaysshe’ sneverbeen
anywhere;allsheknowsi sthispl
aceandherhut .I
encouragedhert ovisitmei nDurbanforaweek2.

“Mama, l
etmego.Iwil
lsendMandl
aormaybe
Vuyotocomebackwi t
haplat
eforyou.Thoughyou
canalsocome,youknowyouaremorethan
welcomed,”

“
Iknowmychild,Ij
usthaveal
otofconsultat
ions
t
oday,
butIwi
llsurel
ycomebefor
eyoul eave,
”

“
Okay,
“Ismi
ledandheadedf
ort
hedoor
.
“
Nobuhl
e,
”shecal
ledbef
oreIcoul
dexi
t.

“
Yesmama,
”

“
Yousawhi
m,di
dn’
tyou?
”shesays.

“
Sawwho?
”Iasked.

“Theman,yousawhimi nyourdr eams.Hewas

taki
ngyouawayfrom yourbrothers,
”myhear
t
star
tedbeat
ingf
asterandfaster…

“
DidMandl
atel
lyouaboutt
hedr
eam?
”Iasked.

“No,Isawyouwat
chi
ngi
t”shesays.“
Ihadt
he
dream too,
”
“
Whatcoul
ditmean?
”Iasked.Am Iconsul
ti
ng?

“Justbecaref
ult
oday…ever
ythi
ngyouknewi
s
abouttochange,
”

“How…”myphoner ang.Ipickedi
tup.ItwasMzi
tel
li
ngmet ocomet hepar
tywasst ar
ti
ngand
Monwabisiiscr
yingbecausehehasn’tseenme.I
hadtol
eaveher.

[
01/
05,
13:
51] : ENTRY59

WHENWEARENOLONGERABLETOCHANGEA
SI
TUATION–WEARECHALLENGEDTOCHANGE
OURSELVES.
-
Vit
korE.Fr
ankl
Thepar tywasabl urformer eall
y.Iremembermy
brot
her shavingabl ast.Isawt hem singi ng,
dancing,drinkingandeat ing.Iwasdi sturbedbyt he
tal
kIhadwi thVuyo’smom ear l
ier.Shesai dI
shouldbecar efult
odayandIhavebeenwat chi
ng
everysingleper sonher ewithahawk’ seyebutI
haven’tseenanymanwi t
hanexpensi vel ooki
ng
suit
.Sheal sot oldmet hateverythingIknewwi ll
changet oday.Whatt hehelldoIknow?Comet o
thi
nkofi tIact ual
lyforgotitwasmybi rthdaytoday.

Backt otheact ualbirthday.Mybr othersboughtme

ablackandwhi t
eMi niCooperandIdi ed77t i
mes.
Andbi gbrother( Mzi)madeahear twar mingspeech
i
nf rontofalltheguest s,Icr i
edalit
tlethere,itwas
j
ustt ooprecious.Pal esaandKhanyaboughtme
twoweaves, t
heysai dt heywantmet oj ointhe
weavegang, they’
retiredofmybr ai
dsand
cornrows.Onei sli
keext remelylong;itgoesal lthe
waydownt omyassandt hentheotheri sjuston
theshoulderswi thcur ls.Honest l
yspeaki ngIl ove
theweavesandIcan’ twai ttogetri
di fthisstrai
ght
backandwearthem.DearsweetMonwabi sibought
meawhi t
eroundneckshortsl
eevet-
shirtwit
hhis
nameinaboldblackf
ontri
ghtinfr
ont,cute.

TheboysandIt ookthecarf
oraspinar
oundthe
neighborhood,
obvi
ouslyIwasdr
ivi
ng,Mzii
sin
fr
ontwi t
hmeandt henMzamoandMandl atookt
he
backseat.

“Okay,par
krighther
e,”Mzisai
dpoi
nti
ngatwher
eI
shouldpark.

“
Why?
”Iaskedobeyi
ng.

“I
t’
stimetoregroup,
”hesays.“Iwant
edustot
alk
befor
ethepartybutyourfr
iendsBuhl
eshowedup
befor
eweevenwokeup, ”

“
ThankGodf
orsi
sPal
esaandKhanya,
theywer
eup
bef
oresunr
ise,
”Mzamosai
dunf
ast
eni
nghi
sseat
bel
t.

“Tellmeaboutit,
”Mandlaagreeswi
thhim,“
Iwas
goingt ol
etthem st
andoutsi
deunti
lIwasgoodand
ready,”headds.

“
Itr
ustyout
odot
hatMandl
a,j
ustaj
erk…”Isai
d.

“Okay,l
ist
enguys...
especiall
yyouBuhle,”Mzitakes
backthemeet i
ng.“Businessisdoinggreat
;infact;
i
tcan’tbedoinganybet tert
hani ti
snow.Thecar
wash,hardwarestore…everythi
ngisdoi
nggr eat”

“
That
’sawesome.I
’
m pr
oudofyouboys…”

“
Wear
egoi
ngi
ntoanot
herbusi
nessnow,
”
“
Whatbusi
nessi
sthat
?”

“
Export
ingandimport
ingcarpar
ts.Wehavean
i
nter
nati
onalcont
actl
ooki
ngt oworkwi
thus,
”
Mzamosays,

“
Int
ernat
ional
?”Isay…

“
Ger
man,
”Mandl
asai
d.

“I
sitsafeboys,Imeanthel
astt
hingIwanttohear
whenI ’
minDur bani
sthatmybrot
hershavebeen
arr
ested,
”Iasked.

“
It
’sokaysi
s,
”-
Mzi

“j
ustokay,guys…Iam notconvi
nced,
Mzi wehavea
baby.Pret
tysoonI’m sur
eKhanyawillbeknocked
up,
”

“Look,alotofpeoplewant edthi
scont actbuthe
personal
lywant edtowor kwit
husandsot hathas
sti
rredupal otofunwant edbeefintheindustry.
Everyoneknowst hatifyouarewor kingwiththis
guyyouar eboundt omakeal otofmoney.Andt hi
s
contactwil
lleadust oothercontactsandot her
businessventures,
”Mzisays.

“Weneedt
osignt
hecont
ractandfaxitt
ohi
m
ASAP,wej
ustwant
edtot
alktoyou,”
-Mzamo

“Hmm, It
rustyouguysandIknowhowmuchyou
l
ovecarssoIcan’ treal
lystopyoufrom goingaft
er
whatyouwant .Ifyouneedanything,I
’m here,
”I
sai
d.Ihavetosuppor tmybr ot
hersandhel pthem i
n
anywayIpossi blycan.Ican’
treall
yvoteagainst
thi
sbecauseit’
llbemeagai nstthem.
“Actual
ly,
thereissomethingweneedyout
odofor
us,”
-Mandla.Ilookedathi
m.“Weneedyoutol
earn
howt oshootanddef endyour
sel
f,
"

“
Youwantmet
ouseagun,
”

“
Wej ustwantyoutohaveagunwithyouatall
t
imes,Mzamowi llgi
veyousel
fdef
enselessons,
j
ustthebasi
cs,”
-Mzi

“
Youwantmet
ohaveagunwi
thme24/
7?”

“PalesaandKhanyaagreedtoi
t,t
hey’
llbestar
ti
ng
nextweek.Weneedyout odothismorethanthem;
reasonbeing,
you’
reoutther
eallbyyoursel
f,
”-
Mzi

“Pl
easesi
s,we’
llsl
eepbett
erknowi
ngt
hatyou’
re
abl
etoprot
ectyoursel
f,
”
“YouboysknowhowmuchIhat e
viol
ence…especi
all
yguns,
”Isighed.“
Fine,Iwil
ldoi
t,
butIdon’twantanyt
hingdi
sturbi
ngmycl asses,
”

“
We’
l
lfi
gur
eitout
,”
-Mzamo

Whenwegothomet heyardwasstart
ingt
oclearup.
IhelpedPalesaandKhanyatoclearupinthe
ki
tchen.Mandlaisherewithuseati
ng,hesayshe
hasn’teat
ensincemor ni
ng.Hewasbusychasing
gi
rlsorjusthel
pingout.

“Thi
sfoodi
sgood,
youguysdi
dagr
eatj
obman,
”
hesays.

“
Thankyou,
”Pal
esaandKhanyasayi
nuni
son.

“
Pleasesavemeanot
herplat
eforl
atersi
sPal
esa,
”
Mandlasaysi
nthemiddl
eofchewi
ng.
“
Whatdoyoumeanl
ater
?It
’spastsevennow
Mandl
a,”Isay.

“
Justdi
sh,
I’
llt
akecar
eofi
t.
”

“Molweni
,
”Iyoungmanwal
ksi
n.Hel
ooksabout
13/14

“
Shontwana,
utyi
le?
”(Heyboy,
didyoueat
?)
Mandl
aatt
endstohim.

“
Yes,
thankyou,
sisBuhl
e,Iwassentt
ogetyou,
”
t
heboysays.

“
Togetme?Whosentyou?
”Iasked.

“
Idon’
tknowt
hatman,
buthesai
dIshoul
dnot
comebackwi
thoutyou,
”

“Mandlapl
easeatt
endt ot hisf
ormepl ease,”
Mandlaimmediat
elyleftwi t
htheboy.Itsprobablya
drunkguywanti
ngmor efoodormor ealcohol.The
boysmusttakecareoft heirdr
unkfri
ends,Ijust
can’t
.Mzamowalkedi n.

“
Gir
ls,IneedyoutotakeMoandgoi nt
oMzi
’
s
r
oom,”hesaystakingKhanya’
shand.

“Whybabe?”Khanyaasked.Mzamol
eanedi
nand
ki
ssedher.

“
Justgobabe,
now,
”hesays.Heledusout
.We
f
oundMziandMandl
aintheroom.

“Yougi
rl
sstayher
e.Don’topent
hedoorunl
essone
ofussaysso…”Mzisays.
IgrabbedMzamobythearm.Stoodonmytoesand
thencuppedhi
sface,
Iwantedhimtol
ookatme
andgivemeallhi
satt
ent
ion.
“I
severythi
ngokay,i
sthi
saboutwhatyout
oldme
earl
ier
?”Iasked.Mandl
aandMziexit
ed.

“
Stayput
,lockt
hedoor
”hesai
dandexi
ted.

Ihate.i
twhentheydothis.Ihat
eitwhentheytr
eat
melikeI’
m akid,
Iam fl
ippin21years,
Ideser
veto
knoweveryt
hingthathappensinthi
syard.Wedid
astheycommanded.

“Thi
shappensal otKhanya,wegetl
ockedinthi
s
room andtheygooutwiththei
rgunsandsortout
theprobl
em,”Pal
esaexplainedt
oKhanya.Isee
she’
sgottenusedtoit.
“
Oh,sothi
sisathing…doesi
tevergethect
ic,
li
ke
r
eal
lyhect
ic,
”Khanyaasked.

“
Justsi
tbackandenj
oyt
heri
deKhanyabecause
i
t’
saboutt
ogodown…”Isai
d.

“Dearheavens,
”Palesajumpedf r
om t
hebed.“
Mo,
Monwabi sii
ssupposedt obeherewit
hus,
”she
star
tedbreathi
ngheavil
y.“Ineedtof
indhi
m,”she
rantothedoor.

“
Wai
t,
”Isai
d.

“Ican’twait
,Ineedtogetmybaby.Iwi llnever
forgi
vemysel fi
fanythinghappenstothatboy,”she
says,she’snotthi
nkingstr
aight
,herhandsar e
shakingandherf aceistur
ningred.

“
Letme,
stayher
e…Iwi
llgoandf
indhi
m,”Isai
d.
Shenodded.Iopenedt
hedoorandthel
ivi
ng-
room
l
ookedli
keaghosthouse.I
t’
sempty…

“Mo,”Ical
ledout
.Il
ookedinmyroom andint
he
otherrooms.He’
snother
e.Iwentout
sideandIwas
shockedbywhatIfound.

“Tellyourmant ostanddownSnowandgett hehel

l
outofher e,
”Mzamosai d.Snowishere…Snow, t
he
guywhogaveusani nsaneamountofmoney.He’ s
with4guysi nblacksui t
s,theyhavegunsout
pointedatmybr others.Mybr ot
hersarealso
pointingthei
rgunsatt hem.whatt hehel
lisgoi
ng
onher e?WhatdoIdo, whatdoIdo?Ican’ tgoback
withoutMo’ .

“
Nobuhl
e,
”Thi
sSnowguysays.

“Whatar
eyoudoi ngher
e?Gobacki
nsi
deBuhl
e,
now!”Mziyel
lsatme.
“Wecan’
tfi
ndMonwabi
si,
”Isai
d.Pal
esacameout
pant
ing.

“Mziwhereisourson?
”shesaid.“
Mo,”she
screamed.Weheardacry;i
t’
scomingfrom i
nsi
de
thehouse.

“He’
shere”Khanyashout
edf
rom i
nsi
de.Pal
esar
an
back.If
oll
owedher…

“Youwaitri
ghtt
here,”SnowsaysandIfr
oze.
Thingsaret
oointensehere.Mzi
walkeduptoGaba
andgrabbedhim bytheneck,
“Whatt
hefuckar
eyoutryi
ngt
odoSnow?”hesays.
OneofSnow’smenhel
daguntoMzi’
shead.

“
Justgivemewhatbel
ongst
ome,
I’
m nother
eto
f
ight
,”Snowsays.
“Bhuti,
pleasegivehim what
everhewant
s,
please…theyaregoingtohurtyou,
”

“Getthehel
loutofmyyar d,
”Mzi said.Theguy
holdi
ngagunt ohisheadhithim withitatt
heback
ofthi
shead.Mzamoat t
ackedhimj ustasMandla
wasabouttoattack;Snow’sgunwentof f.

“IsaidIwantwhatbelongstome,noneedtofi
ght
.
Nobuhlecomeher e…”Igotscar
ed,Igotr
eal
lyr
eal
ly
scared.

“
Nobuhl
est
ayr
ightt
her
e…”Mzamoshout
ed.

“
Whatdoyouwant
?”Iaskedhi
m.

“Youbr
othersknow,
Idon’
twantt
ofi
ghtanyone
babygi
rl
,”Snowsays,
“Bhuti
,pl
easegi
vehim whathewant
s.I
’
mreal
ly
scared…i
sitmoney?
”

“Buhl
e,getinsi
de,fuck!
!”Mzishout
ed.Hei
soutof
contr
ol;Ihaveneverseenhimliket
his.

“
Hewi
llhur
tyou,
”Ishout
edathi
m.

“
Iam yourf
uckinf
ather
, i
t’
syouIwant
…”Snowsai
d.
whatt
hefuckishetal
kingabout
?

“
Myf
atherdi
ed,
”Isai
d.

“Shutthef
uckupSnow,shutup,
”Mzamowas
gett
ingworkedupt
oo.

“
No,
yourst
epf
atherdi
ed.Iam yourf
athercup
cake,
”Snowsaysloweri
nghi
sgun.Iwalkedto
whereMziwas,whichwasri
ghti
nfrontonSnow.

“
Mzi,tel
lthi
smant
ogetoutofourhomewi
thhi
s
l
ies,
”Isai
d,

“
Cupcake,
”Snowcal
ledbehi
ndme,

“Shutup!”It
ookonathinkst
accato.Iam t
ryi
ngmy
hardestbestt
onotatt
ackthi
smanr i
ghtnow.“Mzi
,
tel
lhimtogo…”Mzilookedaway.Ilookedat
Mzamo…

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”hesai
d.

“
SorryforwhatMzamo,t
ellhi
mt ost
oplyi
ngand
l
eave.Tellhi
m myfat
her
,ourfat
herdi
ed…tel
lhi
m”
“
Babygi
rl
,I
’m sor
ry…”Snowsays.

“Bhut
i,whyaren’
tyousayinganyt hi
ng? ”Ipushed
Mziwithpowerandmi ght,Hedidn’tfalll
ikeIhad
hoped,hejustst
aggeredalit
tl
e.“Fighthim! ”I
demanded.“Mzamo, Mandla…fi
ghtt hisman, t
ell
himtoleave…”IpushedMziagai n,hegotahol dof
myar msandheldmet ohi
schest .

“
I’
m sorr
y,”hesai
dwi
thatrembl
ingt
one.Iknew
t
henthatSnowwasn’
tlyi
ng.

“No!”Iscr
eamed.Itr
iedt oreleasemysel ffrom Mzi
buthewashol di
ngmet ootight.“Mzi,tel
lhim…”
tear
swer est
reamingdownmyf ace.Idon’twantto
beli
eve.Mywholewor ldjustcrumbl edr i
ghtbefor
e
meandIcan’ tdoanythingabouti t.IlookedatMzi .
“Iwantyoutotel
lmeyour sel
fMzi ,tel
lme…”

“
Snowi
syourf
ather
,”hesai
dandever
ywor
djust
br
okehi
m andcr
ushedme.

“Iwantmychi
ldMziwamandl
a,Nobuhl
ebabygi
rl
…I
cametogetyou.I
’
m sor
ry,
”Gabasays.

“
IfyousayanotherwordSnow,
Iwi
llshootyour
f
uckingbal
ls”Mandlasays.

“
I’
m sor
ryYoungMqokel
ibutIneedt
odot
his…”

“
Letmego,
”Isai
dtoMzi

“
Ican’
t”hesays.

“Mzi
,Ineedyout
oletmegonow,
letmet
alkt
o
him,
”

“
Don’
tgowi
thhi
m okay,
you’
remysi
ster
…”he
r
eleasedme.

“
Go,
pleasego,
”Isai
dtoSnow,

“l
ikeIsaid,
I’
m notheret
of i
ght,
soIwi l
lgo…butI
willsl
eepbett
ertoni
ghtknowingthatyouknowwho
Iam now.Ihadtodot hi
s…you’r
emybl ood.My
babygirl
”

“GopleaseSnow,
takeyourmanandl
eave,
”Mzi
says.

“Boys,l
et’
sheadout,
”hesaid.“
Iloveyou,
”he
att
emptedt oki
ssmyforeheadbutItookastep
back.It
urnedandfoundmybr other
sstandi
ng
behindme.

“Youbel
ongwi
thus,
”Mzamosai dst
ret
chi
nghi s
handfor
wardf
ormetotake.Il
ookedatal
lthr
eeof
them onebyoneandsuddenl yIjustdonot
recogni
zet hem anymor e.Ican’
tseemysel fint
hem,
myhear tisjustburningup.LikeVuyo’smom sai d,
everyt
hingIknowhaschanged.WhenIl ookedover
atherhouse, shewasst andingri
ghtout si
deherhut
l
ookingt hi
sdirect
ion.Imademywayi nside.Il
eft
them outsi
de…Idon’ tknowt hem.Idon’tknow
anythi
ng.

[
01/
05,
13:
52] : ENTRY60

ANGERISANACI
DTHATCANDOMOREHARM TO
THEVESSELI
NWHI CHI
TISSTOREDTHANTO
ANYTHI
NGONWHI CHITISPOURED.
-
Mar
kTwai
n

It
sSundayinthemorni
ng.Theti
mei s8:
00andIam
suspecti
ngPal
esai
satchurchwithbabyMzi.I’
m
sti
lll
ockedupi
nmyroom tryi
ngnottomentall
y,
emot i
onal
lyandspiri
tuall
ydie.Gabacalledmeat3
i
nt hemor ni
ngandItoldhimt olosemynumber .
Li
ndanihasal sobeentryi
ngt ocallme.Itol
dmy
brotherst
oleavemeal one,i
nf actIhavesince
switchedmyphoneof f.

Ther
e’saknock,Iwon’tsayanyt
hingbecauseI
madeitcl
earthatIshouldbelef
talone.

“Sis,we’regoingtot heshopokay.You’ llbeallalone,

pleasecomeoutandeat ,
”that’
sMzamo, “
there’
sa
l
et t
erforyouont het able…andwel oveyousi s.
You’ r
eourBuhl eokay, ”.Ihear dt
hedoorshut .The
carengi newentof f.Ipeekedt hr
oughthewi ndow
andwat chedthem dr iveaway.Thankheavens;I
fewhour stomyself .Ont opofmydr awert here’
sa
pictureofmom anddad, i
t’
st hei
rweddingphot o.
Howdi dthishappen?I smom evenmymom, butI
dol ooklikeherdon’ tI?Irushedovertot hemi rr
or
andl ookedatmysel fandt henbackatmom.Why
am Inotmyf ather’
sdaught er?Whatnow, what’
s
goi
ngt
ohappennow?Shi
t,nowonderI
’
m agi
rl
.

Iwenti ntot helivi

ng-room/ diningr oom nowsi nce
theext ensionandi ndeedt herewasal etteri
na
whi t
eenvel opewi t
hmynameoni tandal i
tt
lenote
from them, itr
eadsWELOVEYOU.Dot heyhonest l
y
thinkthatast upidnot ewillchanget hef actthat
theirfatheri snotmyf ather?Andt hattheyknewal l
alongandnoonebot heredtoment i
ont hat…gosh
evenMandl aknew!Mandl aisyoungert hanIam
butheknew.Myhear tisboili
ngup…Ineedt oget
outofher e.I’mleavingandIwon’ ttellthem.I
quicklygat heredmyshi tandgott hehel loutofthat
house…Mowon’ tbehappybutIj ustr eallyneedto
beawayf rom here.Thi splacehasnot hingbut
negativityf orme…itdoesn’ tli
keme.

I’
vebeenontheroadforjustali
ttl
eoverandhour
now.Ineedagaragetogetsomeener gydr
inksand
snacksfort
heroad…hopefull
yIcangetapepper
spray,
I’
veneverdr
ivenal
onebef ore.
“Shit!Fuck!Shi t!”Inear l
yhitthecari nfrontofme.
whatt hehel lam Idoi ngont hi
ssi deofther oad?
Thecar sont hi
ssi dear egoingi ntheopposi t
e
direction.Oh!sweetheavens, thiscouldhavebeen
areal lybadacci dent.Iftheotherdr i
verhadnot
beenal ert
;wewoul dbot hbedanger ouslyhur t.I
readsomewher et hathead-oncol l
isi
onsar ever y
sever e.Ijumpedoutoft hecar .Standingont he
groundf eltsof oreignwi t
hmyl egsshaking.Ther e
aret earsal lovermyf acebecauseoft hewi nd.The
driveroft heot hercari swal ki
ngupt omef uriously.
Iwon’ tf i
ghthi m;Iwasont hewr ong.

“Ar
eyousleepi
ngbehi
ndthewheel?
”heshouted.
He’saver
ybigmaninapairofbl
uejeans,
blueshi
rt
wit
hredandorangest
ri
pesandworkboots.Looks
about45/
46.

“
Yes…noImeanno…Ij
ust
..
.”Ist
utt
ered.
“Whatwer eyoudoi
ngonthatsideoft
her
oad?
”he
asked.Icantel
lhe’
sshakentoo.

“I
’
m sor
ry,
I’
m sor
ry…Iwaswr
ong”Iapol
ogi
zed.He
si
ghed.

“
Areyouokay?
”heasked.

“
Yeah,
I’
m nothur
t.Ar
eyouhur
t?”

“
No,
butImean…i
sever
ythi
ngokaywi
thyou?
”

“
No,
”Il
eanedagai
nstmycar
,

“Look,Ihavesomewat erandgummybear sint

he
car.l
et’
ssitouthere,t
rytocal
m downandyoucan
tel
lmeal laboutwhyyou’ddri
vert
owardson-
comingt r
affi
c,
”thatsoundsli
keagoodidea.I
nodded.Hewentint
ohiscarandcamebackwi th2
bott
lesofwater
,gummybear sandsomechi ps.We
satonthegrassonthesideoftheroadand
i
ndulged.“
Howol dareyou?”heasked.

“Ij
ustt
urned21yester
day,”It
ookasip.Hehast
he
gummybear sandIhavethechips.

“Happybelat
edbi rt
hday,”Ismi l
ed,hehandedmea
gummybearwhi chIthrewi nt
omymout h
i
mmedi atel
y.“YourfamilyisrichItakei
t,your
fat
her…youlooklikeadaddy’ sgirl
”hesays.

“
Whatmakesyout
hinkt
hat
?”Iasked.

“Thecar,unl
essyousomehowmanagedt
obuy
yoursel
facar.I
t’
sbrandnew,
”

“
Mybr
other
sgi
ft
edi
ttomeyest
erday,
”It
hrewa
chi
pinmymout
handchewed.

“Tel
lme, whywereyoudr
ivi
ngont
hewr
ongsideof
theroad.Ihavenoi
deahowmanyti
mesIhoot
ed…”
hesays.

“
Imightaswellt
ellyou,
Ijustfoundoutl
astnight
t
hattheguyIknewasmyf at
herisnotmyfather,
”

“
Shi
tonyourbi
rt
hday,
”
“
Andthewor
stparti
sthatmybr
other
sknew,
i
ncl
udi
ngmylit
tl
ebrother
…”

“
Yourl
if
eisl
ikeadr
amaser
ieski
d,”

“
Iwokeupt hismorni
ng,packedmyt
hingsandj
ust
l
eftwi
thouttel
li
nganyone,
”
“
Well
,forwhatit
’swort
h,mywi
fei
spr
egnantwi
th
mybrother
’schi
ld…”

Igasped,
“getout
”

“Storyofourl i
ves.Butyoudon’tseemedr i
vingon
thewr ongsi deoftheroad.There’ssomuchmor e
tolivefor,asfuckedupasever ythingi
s…asforyour
brothers;theyclearl
yloveyou,Imean…”hepoi nt
ed
atthecar .“At21Icouldnotaffordt or
unawayi n
myowncar …”

“
ButI
’
m madatt
hem,
”Isai
dwi
thasqueaky.

“Bemad, i
gnoret
hem unti
lyouaresureyouwon’
t
bedrivi
ngonthewrongsideoftheroad,andt
he
guythat’
salwaysbeenyourfat
her?
”

“
Hedi
edwhenIwas19,
”
“Evebett
er,youcanswearathim,fuckhi
m off…he
can’tdoanythi
ngabouti
t,
”Ilookedathim and
l
aughed.

I
twasf
inal
lyt
imet
ogooursepar
ateways.

“
Thankyouf
ort
het
alkandt
hesnacks…”

“Youst
ayont
herightsi
deofthi
ngski
d,”hewal
ked
awayassodi
dI…Ididn’
tgethi
sname.

“Hey!
”Ical
ledjustbef
orehecouldenteri
ntohiscar
.
helookedback,“What
’syourname?”Ishouted.

“Ti
nyMazi
buko,
”hegotint
ohi
scaranddr
oveaway.
Youknowforaguywhosenamei
sTinyhesur
eis
qui
tebi
g.
Ineedt ogetmymi ndont heroadot herwi seIwon't
makei ttoKZNal ive.I'
m sostressedr i
ghtnow, my
phonewasr ingingnon- st
opsoIswi tchedi toff
,
again.I'
llbeathomei nanhourormor e...andI'ma
verybaddr iver,Mzamoi sal
wayst elli
ngmeand
nowt hatIhavemyowncar ;Iam st ar t
ingt obeli
eve
him.Ihavebeendr inki
ngredbul lsandchewi ngon
chocolates,Ididf i
ndagar ager ightaf t
ermy
encounterwi thTinyMazi buko.Si aandEmel iSande
havebeenonr epeat–but-Evenwi tht hemusi con,
myst upidheadi ssomehowst il
lablet osuckme
outofthenowandbackt othatsceneIf oundout
thatmyf at
herwasn' tmyfather.You' l
lfigureitout
Buhle,you'reSuper woman.

IwonderifLi
khakhathoughtaboutmeyesterday.
I’
m sur
eheknewIwasbackathome…anyway, that
guyisnotpartofmylif
enow.Whet herhethi
nks
aboutmeornoti si
rr
elevanti
nfor
mat i
ontome.
Homesweethome, Iwi l
lbealoneher e…nobr other
s,
noguns, noSnow.Justmemysel fandmyt houghts.
Igr abbedaf ewthingsandt ookthem wi t
hme
i
nsi de.Iconnectedmyphonet ot hechargerinthe
kitchenandwentbackt of et
chther estofmyst uff
.I
cameback, thr
ewt het hingsont hefloorandt hen
l
ockedt hedoor.Iswi t
chedmyphoneonandi t
star t
edbeepingnon- stop.50mi ssedcal l
s,20
mi ssedWhat sAppcal ls,35textmessages.I t’
s
ringingagain,i
t’
sMzamo…Iam j ustnotpr eparedto
talktoanyoft hem…

“
Buhl
e,
”

“Li
ndani,i
sthatyou?”heappear
edfr
om downt
he
passage.“Whatthehellar
eyoudoi
nghere?
”

“I
’m sor
rybabe,theguyshadaturnupyesterday
andIhavetestcomi ngupi
n2days,Ijustneededa
quietpl
acetostudy.AndItr
iedt
ocallyou”hesays.
“
Okay,
buthowdi
dyougeti
n?”

“
Ist
il
lhavet
hekey,
”

“
Oh,
”

“
I’
lll
eavet
omor
row,
”

“Nah!Youdon’thavet
oo…Iunder
stand,
I’
llgoand
bath”t
heregoesmyaloneti
me.Idippedmyselfi
n
warm water
.ThebodywashIaddedsmel lsgl
ori
ous.

“
Babe,
”heknocked.

“
Yeah,
”Ianswer
ed.
“Yourphonehasbeenr
ingi
ngl
ikecr
azy,
itmi
ghtbe
urgent
…”

“
Hmmm, justputi
tonsi
lent
.I’
l
lat
tendt
oitwhenI
f
ini
shher
e,”

“
Cool
,
”

Iputonabl ackbi ki
ni,avestandagownover .I
foundLindaniintheki tchenstandingoverthekett
le
concentrati
ngonhi sphonescr eenwithnothi
ngbut
apairofboxer sandsockson.Hesmi ledsoI
smiledback, t
here’sjustthisweirdenergybetween
usthatIdon’tunder stand.Iwentovert omyphone
andscrolledthroughi t.Ihavenoenergyforthis.

“Cof
fee?
”hesays.Hi
stoneassumest
hathe’
s
aski
ngaquest
ion.
“Yesplease,
”myr i
ngsagain,t
hecal
ledI
Dreads
Palesa.Ii
gnoredthecall
.Hehandedmeacupof
coffeewhichIappreci
atedver
ymuch.

“
Aren’
tyoupi
cki
ngt
hatup?
”heasks.

“No,
I’
lldealwi
tht
hem t
omorrow,
”thecof
feet
ast
es
awesome.Nowhei sj
ustst
ari
ngatme,andIam
conf
used.

“Aveumuhlemf et hungeke,”(Yousobeaut i
ful
)he
saysgazingatme.Thi sguyisjustsodiffer
ent,i
n
thesensethat,
hest andsout.Hedoesn’tremindme
ofanyoneinmyl ifeoranyt hi
ng.Idon’tevermiss
him butsomehowhaveasof tspotforhim.Hei s
j
ustoutofplace, yetjusti
nplace.Hepul l
edme
closerandIdon’twantt oresist
,“Wegotagood
thingyouandI”hesays,

“
Real
ly?Idon’
tseet
hatatal
l,
”Ismi
rked.
“Letmeshowyou, ”hesai dandki ssedme
passionat
ely.Idi dn’tstophi m orr esistinanyway,I
j
ustgavei n.Ohman…i tseemsl i
ket hisisgoingfar.
Hishandsar eal lovermybehi nd.Hei sholdi
ngme
ti
ghtagainsthi sdi ck.Hepi ckedmeupandwal ked
totheroom andl aidmedowngent l
y.Hei sin
betweenmyt highski ssingmyneckandboobs.I
didn’
tseehim unt yingmygownbuti tiswideopen.
Hecameupki ssedmyf orehead, thenmyl i
ps.He
wentdownt omyboobst hent raveledal lt
heway
downt omybel lybut tonandt henki ssedmyl ady
partovertheunder wear .Het ri
edt opul lmy
underweardownbutIhel dhi shandsr estr
ict
ing
them fr
om movi nganyf urther.

“Li
ndaniwait,
”Isaid.Heopenedmyl egswiderand
gotinbet
weenwi thhishead.Heki ssedmyi nt
er
thi
ghthentravel
eddown.If elthi
stonguepoking
thr
oughtheunder wear,
“Li
ndani ,
”Isaid.Thi
sfeltso
uncomfort
able…Isatupstraight,
helookedatme.
“Letmeshowyouwe’ regoodtogether,
”hegr abbed
myl egsandpulledmetowardshim.Hehel dmy
handstogetherandpi
nnedthem ont hebedover
myhead.I ’
m notdumb,heistr
yingtorestr
ictmy
movement .

“Li
ndani,stop,
”Isai
d.Iam startingtopanic.Ifel
t
hishandinsidemyunder wear, hetouched
me…” Li
ndani!!
”Ishout
edont het opofmyl ungs.He
j
umped.“ I’
vebeensayingwai t!Whyar en’
tyou
l
isteni
ngt ome,”Isayfur
iously.

“FuckNobuhle,Iwil
lnothur
tyou.DoIlookli
ke
Rhadebetoyou,”heisbreat
hingheavi
ly;t
her
e’sthi
s
sharpsi
lenceengulfi
ngourspaceri
ghtnow.“That
cameoutwr ong,”hesays.

“
Ithi
nkyoushoul
dleave…”Isayundermybr
eat
he.
“
Yeah,
cool
”

Iwatchedhim dressupf orabout5mi nutes.He

tri
edtokissmebef or
ehel eftbutIr
esi
sted.Fuck
fuckfuckfuckfuck…i
t’
sbeenawhi l
esinceIheard
Rhadebe’sname.Iam j ustfuckeduprightnow…I
needcocaineoranydr ugt hatcannumbyouupf or
alit
tl
ewhi l
e.

[
01/
05,
13:
52] : ENTRY61
EVERYMANHASHI
SSECRETSORROWSWHICH
THEWORLDKNOWSNOTANDOFTENTIMESWE
CALLAMANCOLDWHENHEISONLYSAD.
-
Henr
yWadswor
thLongf
ell
ow

Iam wokenupbymyphoner i
nging,
myringtone
cangivesomeoneaheartatt
ackIneedtochangei t
,
thi
sti
mei t
’sMzical
li
ng.Iseetheykeept
akingturns.
aft
erLi
ndanileftIdr
ownedmysorrowsinicecr
eam
andmarshmal l
ows.Icoul
dn’
tgetaholdofBubbl
es;
she’
sprobabl
yatherboyfri
end’
s.Ther
e’saknock
onthedoor…

“
Lindani
,i
sthatyou?
”Iaskedbef
oreIopened.

“
Nobuhl
evul
a,”t
hat’
snotLi
ndani
.Thatsoundsl
ike
Mzi
…orMzamo…I’
m notsur
e,I
’m hal
fasl
eep.

“Bhuti,
ist
hatyou?
”Iasked.Ineededtobesur
e,f
or
allIknowIcoul
dbeopeningforastranger
.

“
It
’sus,
open”hesai
dandIopened.

“
Areyoufucki
ngoutofyourmind,whatwereyou
t
hinki
ng…wereyouevent
hinki
ng?”Mandlastormed
i
nbeforet
hedoorwasevencompl et
elyopened.
“
Mandla,phef
uml
abaf
o,”(
Mandl
a,br
eat
hebr
other
…)
Mzisai
d,

“Youl
eftwi
thoutsayi
ng,
andwhoi
sLi
ndani
?”he
adds.

“Yes,Iknow…”Isay.Ireachedforaglassfrom t
he
dishrackandgotsomewat erfor
mt hetap.Iam
deli
beratel
yignor
ingtheLindanitopi
c.

“Youwerebeingst
upid;you’
veneverdri
venthi
scar
l
etalonedri
veforalongdist
ance…andthentomake
thi
ngsworseyouignoreourcal
ls”Mandlaisst
il
l
ragi
ngout.“
Wehaveourpeopl eoutlooki
ngfor
you,
”

“
Whatpeopl
e?”Iasked.

“
That
’snott
hemat
terathand,
”Mzamosays.
“Hel
lo,peopl
e…ther
e’savitalpieceofinformati
on
youallseem t
obeleavingout .Ifoundoutthatmy
fat
her,myhero…themanIador edandl ovedwith
everyfi
breofmyexistenceisnotmyf ather…”

“
Nob…”

“And…youallknew,MandlaisyoungerthanIam
andheknew…wewer esupposedtobei nthi
s
toget
her.Youwatchedmemour nforhi
m, Icr
ied,
myhear tbr
oke…Ilandedinhospi
tal.MaybeIjust
neededtobeawayf rom peopl
ethatkeepsuch
thi
ngsfrom me…”

Mzamopul l
edmecl oserandhuggedme.Ipul
led
away,“t
hatwon’thel
pnowMzamowet hu,
”Ilef
t
them i
nthekit
chen.

I
tsmel
lsl
ikeoi
l,
hotboi
li
ngoi
l.Theymustbe
makingbreakfast
.Ihar
dlyevermakebreakf
ast;I
al
waysgr abfrui
tormakeasmoot hiet
henight
befor
e.Buteveryti
meoneoft hem comestocheck
onme, wegogr ocer
yshoppingandbuyeveryt
hingI
neveruse.ThankgodforLindani
,hi
sfri
endsand
Bubbles.

Ihavealectur
eat12:00andfrankl
yIj ustwantt
o
belockedupinmyhouseandwat cht vthewhol
e
daybutmybr other
swil
lbebreathingdownmy
neck.I
’drat
hergoandtellBubbl
esal laboutmy
weekend.

“Andwher
ear
eyouof
ftoo?
”MzamoaskedasI
appear
ed.

“
Ihavea12o’
cl
ockcl
ass,
”Isay

“
I’
lldr
iveyou,
”hesays.
“Ther
eyougo, ”Mandlahandedmeal unchboxfi
ll
ed
tothebrim.Iopeneditandmyeyesj ustwantedto
vomit.Ther
ear efr
iedeggs,bacon,sausages,sli
ces
ofpolonyandapi e.Whatwashet hinking?“That
’s
yourlunchsis…Idon’
twantyouget ti
nghungr yat
school,
”hesaysoversopr oudly.

“
Thankyou,Mandl
a”Ikissedhi
scheek.Iwon’
teat
t
his.I
’
m sor
ry…I
’m sur
eBubbleswi
ll
.

“
Her
e,”Mzicamet
ogi
vemeR300

“
Whati
sthi
sfor
?”Iasked.

“
Snacks…”hesays.

“Youaregivi
ngmeR300forsnacks,
I’
mli
ter
all
y
goingdownthest
reet
.Keepi
tIhavesomecash
withme,”
“Justi
ncasesi
s,youkeepi
torgi
vei
ttoLondeka,
”
hesaid.

“Okay,thankyou”Iplant
edaki ssonhischeektoo.
“Shallwe?”IlookedatMzamo.Hel edmeout .Ij
ust
feelsoweak.Ineedsomet hingtoboostmyener gy
soIaskedMzamot opassbyt hest
oresoIcanget
anener gydrinkoranyt
hing.Ifmybrot
herswere
supercool;they’
dgetmei ntouchwithadrug
dealer.

“
Whatti
mewi llyoubeout?”heaskedasheparked
t
hecaroutsi
det hegat
e.Bubbleswasalr
eadyt
here
wai
ti
ngforme, shecameovert ogr
eetMzamo.

“
Att
wo,
”

“
HeyMzamo,
”shesai
d.
“HeyLondeka,howar
eyou?wemi
ssedyouatt
he
part
y,”hesays.

“I
’
m sosorry,
Ihaveatesttoday,
Ireal
lyhadto
st
udybhutiMzamo,”her‘
bhutiMzamo’ soundsso
wrongwit
hherzulutwang.Mzamopul ledouthi
s
wall
etandgaveherR500.

“Buyyour
selfsomet
hingaf
teryourpaperokay,
and
youaceit
,”hesays.

“
Thankyou”wel
lshel
ookshappy.

“Buhl
e,I
’
llbeher
eat1:
50okay?Orwoul
dyouf
eel
bett
eri
fIwait
edher
eunti
lthen?
”

“
Nogo,
”Isai
d.
“Areyousurethi
sareaissaf
e?”helookedaround.
“Idon’
ttr
ustsomeofthesecars.Youjustneedto
beextracar
eful,
”headds.

“Mzamo,
it’
sauniver
sit
y,t
her
e’scar
sever
ywher
e”I
sai
d.I
shebeingseri
ous?

“You’venevernot
icedanyunusualact
ivi
ti
esi
nthe
area…”

“
Iam goi
ngt
oleaveyounow,
”

“Okay,j
ustt
akecar
e.I
’
dfeel
bet
teri
fyouhada
gun,”

“
I’
llseeyouatt
wo,
”Iwal
kedawaywi
thBubbl
es.
Wehel dhandsaswewalkedintothepremises.
“Fr
iend,wasyourpar
tyt
hatli
t,youlookdrai
ned”
shesays.

“I
twasgreat
,theyboughtmeacarandt
hei
r
gi
rlf
ri
endsgotmeweaves,”Isai
d.

“Youdon’tl
ookhappythough?”Isi
ghedandcame
toastop.Shecameandst oodinfrontofme.
“Fri
end,youlooksosad.Lookatyou…what
happened?”shehuggedme.

“
RememberSnow? ”shenodded.“
He’smyreal
f
ather
,”Isai
dandclosedmyeyestryi
ngt
okeepthe
t
earsatbay.

Shehuggedmeagain,t
ight
erthi
sti
me.“
It
’sokay,
”
shewhisper
ed.“
I’
m sosorr
y,”
“Andmybr other
sdon’
tevengett
hatIam angry.Al
l
theycareaboutismysafet
yandgivingmemoney.
Theydon’tseeanywronginnott
ell
ingme,l
ike
fri
end…evenMandlaknew,”

“Geez,that’
shecti
c.Idon’tevenknowwhattosay
toyou…I ’
m herebabesifyouneedtotal
kandIlove
you.Ifit
’sofanyconsolation;I
’
m yourr
ealbest
fr
iend,”Ilaughed.

“Mandl
amademelunch,
Ican’
teati
t,i
t’
stoomuch,
”
Isai
dandsni
ff
ed.

“
Iam her
eforsuchat
imeast
hisf
ri
end,
Iwi
llsor
t
t
hatoutf
oryou,
”

“
Canyoual
sochasemybr
other
soutofmyf
lat
?”

“
Hooo!
!”sheexcl
aimed.“
Inevermyf
ri
end.Thenext
t
hing,
they’
l
lbegunsbl
azi
ng…”

“
DramaLondeka,
”Ir
oll
edmyeyes.

“
You’l
lgett
hroughthi
sbabe,
youseem t
ofor
get
t
hatyouareBNL,”
Imanagedt ogetthrought heday.Ifoundmy
brothersoutsi
deinabr and-newcar.Abl ackjeep
Cherokee,itdoesn’tevenhaveanumberpl at
eyet.
ThankGodMandl awasout si
deentert
ainingsome
gi
rlsot her
wiseIwoul dhavewai ted.AsIwas
approachingthem Mzist eppedoutandopenedt he
doorf orme.

“
Hell
o,”Ithr
ewi naweaksal
utat
ion,
onl
ybecause
i
t’
sobligat
ory.

“Howwasschool
?”Mzamoasked.He’
stheone
dri
ving.
“
Itwasgr
eat
.Ar
eyouguysokay?
”Iasked.

“We’
regood,
andMandlai
sdoi
ngevengr
eat
eras
youcansee,
”hesays.

Ipeekedmyheadoutt heopendoor .“Mandla,l

et’
s
go,”Ishout ed.Hel ookssopr oudofhi mselfwith
thosegi rl
salloverhi m.WhodoesMandl athinkhe
i
s?Tr eySongz, he’
snotevent hatcute.HeisJust
talland…wel lt
hat’sall.Icanonlyhopehe’ snotas
naï veashel ooks.“Soyouguyswai tforMandl ato
finishplayi
ngandt henl eave?
”Iasked.

“
Lettheboyenjoyhi
msel
fman,
”Hi
sol
derbr
other
Mzidefendshi
m.

“Lett
heboyhavef
un,”Iwhi
sper
ed.“
What
happenedt
oyourcar
? ”
“
It
’sathome,
”Mzamoanswer
s.

“
Andt
hisone?
”

“
YouknowMzamoandgadget
s”saysMzi
.

“Soyouseeagadgetandtakeithomewithyou.
Youguysareact
ingl
ikeyou’veal
readyst
art
ed
worki
ngwitht
heGermans,”

“
Businessisgoodsis,
”Mzamosays.Final
ly!
Mandlaishere.Lookathi
m dr
ool
ing.

“Sorr
yaboutthatfam,”hesaysshut ti
ngthedoor.
Wemadeadet ourtoNando’sandboughtsupper ,
wellmaybejustasnackf orthem.Whenwegot
home;Ichangedi nt
otightsandasweat er.Af
ter
thatIdi
shedforthem thenweal lsati
nfrontoft
he
t
vandwat
chedTopGear
.

“
Whathappened?
”Iasked.

“
Wit
hwhat
?”-
Mzi

“Wit
hme?Whyi sn’
tdadmydad? ”Iasked.“Pl
ease
don’
tpoli
sht
hetrut
hforme,I
’m 21,Idon’tneedyou
guysprot
ect
ingme,”t
heyl
ookedateachot her.

“
Justt
ellherMzi
,shedeser
vest
oknow,
”-
Mandl
a.

“Mom anddadhadaf alloutandsomehowmom

metGaba,sti
llhear
tbrokenshef elli
ntohi
sarms,he
wasrichandcharmingwhatmor ecouldawoman
whosehusbandhadj ustcheat edonherwant..
.so
onethingl
edtoanotherandt hereyouwer e,
"-
Mzi
“Dadcheat
edonmom?They’
vebr
okenupbef
ore…”
Iam soshocked.

“Buttheylovedeachot her.Dadtookherbackwit
h
youandhel ovedyousomuchsi s,l
ikeyouwerehi
s
ownbl ood.Wewer en’
tevenall
owedt ocarr
yyou
withoutsupervisi
on,”-
Mzamo

“Iwasn’
tthere,
Idon’
tknowanyt
hing,
”-Mandl
a.
TrustMandlatobeaclown.

“Youshoul
dhavet ol
dme…”there’
saknockont he
door.Mandl
aattendedt
oit,
itcoul
dbeBubbles.“I
mean,daddiedandyoudidn’
teven…”

“
Buhl
e,there’
saguyhereforyou,
”Mandlasai
d.
WhenIstood,MziandMzamost oodal
ongwit
hme.

“
Sitdown,
”Isai
dandt
heyobeyed.Iwal
kedt
othe
ki
tchen,“
ThankyouMandla,”Isai
dwhenIgott
othe
door.I
t’
sLindani
.“HeyLi
ndani,
”Ial
lowedhi
min.

“
Hey,
yougood?
”heasked.

“I
’m good,ar
eyouokay?”mybr
other
shavest
opped
eati
ng,they’
rej
ustst
ari
ngat
.

“Yeah,I
’m awesomeman, ”hegl
ancedoveratmy
brother
sandt henbackatme.“Icametofet
chthe
restofmyt hi
ngs,
”hesaidthatl
owly.Goodmove,
I
mustsay.

“Sure,comewi thme,”befor
ewecouldt urndown
thepassage, Ihadtointr
oducehim.“
Hmmm boys,
thi
si sLindaniMkhize.Li
ndanit
hesearemy
brot
her s,t
hat’
sMzi,”Ipoint
edatMzi,“
Thatis
Mzamo, ”t
henIpointedathim,“
yousti
llremember
Mandl a,”
“
Sani
bonabaf
ethu,
”(Hel
loguys)Li
ndanigr
eet
ed.
“
Nathisi
yakubonamf ethu”(Wealsoseeyou)Mzi
t
easedhim andtheyallbrokei
ntolaught
er.

“
Thatwasagoodonebr
o,”Mandl
asai
dint
he
middl
eofl
aughi
ng.

“Mzi!
”Isaid,
“Iexpect
edt
hisf
rom Mandl
a,behave.
Allofyou…”

“
Zul
uhunk,”Mzamoshothisshotandyetagai
n,
t
heyl
aughedatthepoorboy.

“
Mzamo,”r
eall
y?Iwasexpect
ingt
hisbehavi
orf
rom
Mandl
a“We’l
lbei
ntheroom”

“
Whatwi
llyoubedoi
ngi
nther
oom?
”Mzi
asked.
“Iwon’
ttouchher
,Ipr
omise,
”Li
ndanisays.It
ook
hishandandledhi
m downthepassage.

Ihelpedhiml ookf ortherestofhi

sstuffwhi l
ehe
madest upidl i
tt
lejokesaboutmybr others.He
admi t
tedthathewast erri
fiedoft
hem andIl aughed
athimf orthat.Peoplethinkmybr ot
hersar ejust
toughguys, theyhavenoi deahowsofttheyar e.
Well…Itdependsr eall
y.Het ookmyhandandsatme
down, hesatr i
ghtnextt ome.

“I
’m notabadguyandIact
ual
lydol
ikeyou,
”he
sai
dpl ayi
ngwi
thmyfinger
s.

“
Iknowt
hat
,”Isai
d.

“
Youareapr
ett
yspeci
all
ady,
butyou’
rej
ustnotf
or
me…”
“
Iknowt
hatt
oo”

“
Andyouar
ebeaut
if
ul”

“
Thankyou,
”

“
Oh!soyoudi
dn’
tknowt
hat
?”

“Idi
d,butIdi
dn’
tknowyouknewIwasbeaut
if
ul.
Youhavenevertol
dme”

“
I’
m aj
erk,
aren’
tI?
”

“
Yes,
yesyouar
e…”hegi
ggl
ed.

“Okay,IguessIdeservethatone.Wel
lyouare
beauti
fulandsupersexy…yourassisjustamazi
ng,
”
hegrabbedani maginaryass.
“
Ifmybr
other
sher
eyout
heywon’
tletyouwal
k…”

“Shit
!MzamoisonsomeRomanRei gnsshit,
”we
l
aughed.“Comehere,letmehugyou,”west oodand
hugged.Thisi
sthefi
rstti
meLindaniisgi
vingmea
realhug.Heal
wayseithergr
absmyassorspanks
i
t.

“
Wewi
llbeokayr
ight
?”Iasked.Il
oveassur
ance.

“Wewillbemor et
hanokay,”weshar edaki
ssand
thenIwalkedhim out
.ItwasmorelikeIwashis
bodyguard.Mybrother
sneedtotakeachi l
lpi
ll
.
Theywer enevert
hishardinLi
khakha.

[
01/
05,
13:
52] : ENTRY62
DESPI
TEEVERYTHI
NG,
IBELI
EVETHATPEOPLE
AREREALLYGOODATHEART.
-
AnneFr
ank

It’
sbeenaweeksi nceIf oundoutaboutSnow.
Bubbleshasbeensuppor ti
veandIjustreall
y
appreciateher.Ihaven’
tf orgi
venmybr other
sfor
keepingsuchasecr etf
rom mebecauset hey
haven’tactual
lyapologizedandIdon’ tt
hinkthey
understandthattheywer ewr ongandsomet imes
thewayt hetreatmei sjustunfair
.ButI’
mj ustagir
l
i
nt heireyesandt hey’
remensoal lt
heysayanddo
i
sal waysr i
ght.

Its18:
30onaSat urdaymor ningandIam j ust
exhausted.Itookmyselfoutt oday.Ihadal it
tl
e
shoppingspree;Igotmynai lsandeyebr owsdone.
Ijustwentalloutormysel ft
oday.Ri ghtnowI ’
min
thekit
cheninmypi nkunicornonesiemaki ngacup
ofcoffeeandal soscrol
li
ngt hroughInstagram.
Myphoner
ings.I
t’
sKhanya…t
hisl
adynevercal
ls
me.

“
KHANYA,
”

“
HELLOBUHLE,
”

“
ISEVERYTHI
NGOKAY?
”Iasked.Icoul
dn’
thel
pbut
wor
ry.

“EVERYTHI NGISGREAT, IHAVEWONDERFUL

NEWS, ”Icouldhearhowhappyshewas.Her
posit
iveenergyisjustsocont
agi
ous,
Icoul
dn’
thel
p
butsmi l
e.“YOURBROTHERASKEDMETOMARRY
HIM,ISAI DYES”

“AREYOUSERIOUS?!
?!WHENDIDTHAT
HAPPEN?”wow,i
tseemsl
ikemybr
other
sar
ereal
ly
gr
owi
ngup.

“JUSTNOW,JUSTPOPPEDTHEQUESTIONWHI LE
WEWEREHAVI NGBREAKFAST.ISERI
OUSLY
THOUGHTHEWASPULLI NGAPRANKONME,
LIKEHEHADTHERINGANDEVERYTHI NG”she
exhal
ed.

“IAM SOHAPPYFORYOU,WHEREISHE? ”Iasked.

Iwantedt
ohearhi
svoi
ceandj
ustf
indouthow
happyheis.

“THEYWENTTOBUYSOMEMEAT;WE’ REHAVING
ACELEBRATORYBRAAI ,
”ther
e’saknockonthe
doorsoIheadedovert
oopen.

“
TELLHIM TOCALLMEWHEN…”Iam shockedby
whoIf
indatthedoor
.Il
it
eral
lyf
roze.
“
BUHLE,
AREYOUSTI
LLHERE?
”sheasked.

“HMM,LISTEN,LETMECALLYOUBACKORTELL
YOURBOYFRI ENDTOCALLME,”Iendedt
hecal
l
wit
houtsayi
nggoodbye.

“
Hel
lo,
”hesmi
led.

“Whatar
e…”Icl
ear
edmyt
hroat
.“Whatar
eyou
doi
nghere?
”

“
Ihadt
oseeyou,
wer
eal
lydoneedt
otal
k,
”hesays.

“
Wher
edi
dyougetmyaddr
ess?
”Iasked.

“
Ihavemyways,
”
“No,getoutofhere…”Ishutt hedoorandlocked.I
scroll
edthroughmyphoneandf oundMzi’scontact
.
Forsomer eason,myt humbr efusestotapthe
greenicon.Ifearwhatmi ghthappen,t
hey’l
lbeguns
outandf i
ghtingandIwillbestuckinthemi ddl
eof
i
tall.Heknockedagain.

“Cupcake,Ijustwanttotal
k…”hesays.Hesounds
l
ikeadi f
ferentper
son,li
keadecentmanthat
doesn’townagun.Li kesomeoneyoucantrust.“
I’
m
agoodman, Ipromiseyou,
”

“
Agoodmandoesn’trui
npeopl
e’
sbi
rt
hdaysor
wavegunsar
ound,
”Isay.

“I
’m sorry,
”hesoundssodesper
ate,
Ial
mostf
eel
sorr
yf orhim.

“Pl
easeplease,
justt
alkt
ome…Icanst
andouther
e”
hebegged.
“Idon’
twantgunsi
nhere,
”it
’sf
unnyhowIhate
gunsbutIagreedt
otakeshoot
ingl
essonsandown
agun.

“
Ilef
titi
nthecar
,”

“Andyourscaryent
our
ageneedst
ochi
ll
,bet
teryet
;
stayout
side,
”

“I
’m al
one”Iopenedthedoorsl
owly.Ifoundhi
m
withhishandsup;“youmaystr
ipsearchme,”I
steppedasideandall
owedhimin.“I
t’
swar min
here,
”hesays.

“Youmayhaveasi tr
ightovert
here,
”Ipoint
edat
thecouch.Hesmil
edandwal kedover…hekeeps
scouti
nghissur
roundings.“
Wouldyoulikesome
coff
ee?”
“
I’
dloveacup,
”

Iqui
cklyboil
edsomewat erwhil
ehesatoverther
e.
Wekeptmaki ngawkwar deyecontactandhe
smil
edthrougheachone;Ij ustl
ookedaway.“Her
e,”
hetookhiscupfrom atrayandimmedi at
elyt
ooka
si
p.Isatdownandl ookedatme.

“
Thi
sisdel
ici
ous,
”hesays.

“
Yousai
dyouwant
edt
otal
k,
”

“I
’
dlovef
orust
ogett
oknoweachot
herBabygi
rl
,”
hepl
acedhi
scupont
hetabl
e.

“Iam 21yearsol
dnow,sot
heyear
sofbabygirl
havepassed.Wedon’
tneedtodot
his…j
ustcar
ryon
withl
ife,
”Isay
“Youcan’tdot
hat.Iam notgett
inganyyounger
,”he
almostsoundsli
kehe’
sbeggi ng.

“Thi
sisnoteasyforme.Wher
ewoul
dwest
art
?
How?There’
sjustalot
,”

“Wecanst artbybeingf
riends”hesuggest
s.I
coul
dn’thelpbutlaugh,
whatf ri
endshi
pcouldwe
possi
blyhave.

“Fr
iends?Theonlyfr
iendsIhavear
emybr
other
s
andtheyhateyourguts,
”

“Wecanbeli
kesecr
etfr
iend.Al
lIwanti
sforust
o
knoweachot
herbet
ter
,”

“
Mybr
other
swi
llbemadatme…”
“
Yourbr
other
sar
ever
ysel
fi
shi
fyouaskme,
”

“Don’
ttal
kaboutmybr
other
sli
ket
hat
,youdon’
t
knowthem,”

“I
’
m sor r
y,”hesatback,
“Look,mywifeandson
wantedtocomewi t
hmet oni
ghtbutIdi
dn’twantt
o
putpressureonyou,”

“Ihaveabr
other
,”It
hinkmyf
acel
itup.“
DoIhavea
sist
er?”

“Nounfort
unat
ely,yourbr
otheri
stheni
cestper
son
ever
.He’safewmont hsyoungerthanMziandhe
j
ustcannotwaittomeetyou,”

“
I’
dlovet
omeetyourf
ami
lysomet
ime,
”
“Howabouttomorrowevening?”Igasped.“
Mywife
want st
ocookforyou.Havedinnerwithmyfami
ly
please,
”

“Tomorrowiswhent heli
ghtcomesup…j
ustinafew
hours,
”Ididn’
tthi
nkhe’dwanttospeedt
hingsup
thi
squickl
y.Ididn’
tmeant hi
ssoon.

“
Please,
itwoul
dmeanal
ott
ome,
”hebegged.

“
Okay,
”Isai
dwit
hal
otofr
eser
vat
ions.Idon’
tknow
whatI
’
m doi
ng.

“
Iwi
llpi
ckyouup17:
00”

Ibar
elygotthroughtheday, Icoul
dn’tconcent
rat
e
i
nclass.Ihadal otoffearcombinedwi t
h
exci
tement.Iam technical
lycheat
ingonmydead
fat
herhereandi
fmybr other
sfi
ndoutwhatI’
ve
beneuptothenI
’m dead.Idi
dn’
tevent
ellBubbl
es
aboutt
his.
WellhereIam wai
ti
ngoutsidef
orSnowt ocome
andgetme.IhopeIam notoverdr
essed.MaybeI
shouldcal
lhi
m andcancel…shi
theisherealr
eady.
Hepulleddownthewindowandsmi l
ed.

“
Youl
ooklikeanangel
,”hegotoutoft
hecarand
l
edmetothepassenger’
ssi
de.Heopenedthedoor
f
ormeandIgotin.
“Di
dyougotoyourpr
om?
”hef
ast
enedhi
sseat
-bel
t
anddr
oveaway.

Isi
ghed.“No,wedi
dn’
thaveenoughmoney.
Besidesnoboywoul
dhaveaskedmetobethei
r
date,
”Isay.

“That
’snonsense.Didyouseehoweyecatchi
ng
youare?Youlooklikeafl
ower,
”hesays.
“
anyf
atherwoul
dsayt
hat
,butt
hankyou”Ismi
led.

“Iwi
llor
ganizeaneveni
ngforyouandI,youcanget
yourhai
rdone,lookf
oradress.
..
ever
ythi
ngison
me”thatsoundsamazing.

“Snow,IhopeyouknowI’
m sti
llmadatyoufor
rui
ningmybirt
hdayandthi
sdoesn’tmean
anythi
ng,
”hewasgetti
ngalit
tl
ecomf or
tabl
ether
e.

“
Iam wel
lawar
ecupcake,
”

“
Nobuhl
e,
”Icor
rect
edhi
m.

“
You’
reat
oughonear
en’
tyou?
”

Wehavear
ri
ved.OHMYWORD!
!“Wel
comet
omy
home,
”hesai
dtaki
ngmyhand.

“
Allofi
t?”

Hel
aughed.Thi
spl
acei
shuge

“Nodar l
ing, Ihaveal otofpr opertyaroundAfr
ica
andout side, whichar eal soyour snow…butlet’
snot
tal
kaboutt hattoni ghtandcl oseyourmout h
cupcake,”Ihadn’ tr eali
sedmymout hwaswide
open.Thi syar disbi ggert hantheki ng’
syardback
athome.Wel lit
’st ool atetot ur
nbacknowbecause
wear einsidet hiscast le.Wewal kedpasta
stai
rcaset hathasagol denr ail
ing,couldi
tbereal
?
Anywayhel edmei ntoadi ni
ngar eaandIfound
whoappeart obehi swi f
eandson.Theyst ood
whenwewal kedi n.

“
Pet
er,mylove…”sheheldherhandtoherchest
,
“
Shehasyoureyes,”sheopenedherar
msand
embr
acedme.

“
Hel
lo,
”Isai
dtr
yingt
obr
eat
he.

“Iam Cl
araGaba,yourst
epmommy.
”Shesai
dever
soenthusi
ast
ic.

“Myqueen,LadySnow”Gabasaysbehindme.“
And
thati
syourbrot
her,
”healsoopenedhi
sarmsand
embracedme.“BrandonGaba,
”

“I’
veal
wayswant edalit
tl
esi st
er,asibl
ingatl
east,
”
theyal
lhaveacol our
ed.Itsurpri
sesmehowf l
uent
Snow’sXhosais.Whenyoul ookathim you’
dnever
suspecthecanspeakanyNgunil anguage.
“He’
sjustafewmont
hsol
dert
hanMzi
,
”Gaba
spokeforhi
m.

“
Youar
ever
ytal
l,
”Isai
dtot
hebr
other
,
“Haveyouseenourf ather
,”hewinkedatGaba.He
sai
d‘ourfather’
,i
tsoundssor eal“
Waitunti
lyou
seehisfather
,you’dhavetobendyourheadal lt
he
waybackt olookathim.There’sagrandf
ather?
Thatexcit
esme…

“Youhaveagr
andf
ather
?”I
’
m smi
li
ngf
rom eart
o
ear.

“Yeah,
butIshar
ehi
m wit
hmanyot
hercousi
ns.
He’snowyourst
oo…”Ismil
ed.

“Hmmm, ”Snowgroanedi
nsat i
sfact
ion,“Myqueen,
myprince,andnowmyprincess,Icouldn’
tbe
happi
er.”

Aft
erdi
nner,wegatheredaroundthefi
replaceand
hadourdesser
t.Damnt hesepeoplear
elivi
ngli
ke
ri
chpeopl
e…welltheyare,evenr
ichert
hant her
oyal
famil
y.Imeant hishouselooksli
keamal l.Cl
ara
hasblingfrom headtotoe;doesitgetanybett
er
thanthis?Shi
t!Mzamo, he’scal
li
ng.

“
Excuseme,
”Ist
eppedout
.

“
MZAMOWETHU,
”Ipi
ckedup.

“
SIS,
AREYOUOKAY?
”heasked.

“YEAH,
IAM OKAY…I
’
M PERFECT.AREYOU
OKAY?”

“
WHEREAREYOU?
”Whatt
hef
uck?If
roze…

“
IAM OUTWI
THBUBBLES…”Iscr
atchedmyhead.
“OUTWI
THBUBBLESHEY?OKAYCALLMEWHEN
YOUAREHOME…HAVEFUN,”

“
IWI
LLBHUTI
,BYEBYE,
”

“
LISTENBUHLE,
”hesaysr
ightbef
oreIcoul
dmove
t
hephoneawayfr
om myear.“
ILOVEYOUOKAY? ”

“OKAY…ILOVEYOUBHUT’
WAM”(
MYBROTHER)
heendedthecal
l.
Coul
dheheart
hatIwasl
ying?I
’
m conf
usednow.

Anyway;Ir
e-j
oinedt
hem.“ Hmmm Snow,It
hinkI
shoul
dgetgoingnow,”Isaidt
aki
ngaseat.

“Sl
eepoverdar
li
ng,Ii
nsi
st.Wel
ovehavi
ngyou
over
…youcanwat chmovi
eswit
hyourbr
otherand
thentomorrowwecouldhaveagirlsonl
ydayout.
Wewi llgoshoppi
ng,doournai
ls,
got othespa;
anythi
ngyouwantt odo,
”shesayssmi l
ing.

“
I’
m sorr
yMsCl ar
a;Ihaveanassi
gnmentIneedt
o
f
ini
sh.Iwil
lst
ayoversomeothert
ime,
”she
f
rownedtoshowsadness.

“
Verywellt
hen,
li
kepr
omi
sed;Iwi
llt
akeyouback
mysel
f,
”sai
dSnow.

Nowt hatI’
m homeal oneIfeelguil
tyformeeti
ng
Gaba’sfamily;f
orevenallowinghiminsidemyf l
at.
Ifmybr ot
hersfindouttheywi l
lbemadatmeand
kil
lGaba.Idon’twanttolosemybr others,
they’
re
theonlyfamilyIknowandhave.ButSnowi smy
biol
ogicalf
ather,myblood…ohdearGodhel pme.
[
01/
05,
13:
53] : ENTRY63

NOTHINGI
SPERFECT.LI
FEISMESSY.
RELATI
ONSHIPSARECOMPLEX.OUTCOMESARE
UNCERTAI
N.PEOPLEAREIRRATI
ONAL.
-
HughMackay

It
’sabr i
ghtSat urdaymor ni
ngandIpl anon
spendi ngt hi
sdayi ndoor sstudyi
ng, I
’vebeen
slackingint hatdepartment.Iwokeup, cl
eaned,
bathedandcooked.Iact uall
ycooked…okayIj ust
boiledchi ckenf orachi
ckensal ad.Insidemydi ar
yI
foundt hel ett
ermybr othersgavemet hemor ningI
decidedt odr i
vebackt oDur banwi t
houtt el
li
ng
anyone.If or
gotabouti t
.Iopenedi tandi tr
ead:

DEARBUHLE
HAPPYBI
RTHDAY
ILOVEYOU
BABY

Ifl
ippeditar oundsear chingformor ewor ds;
anything.Iguessi tsaysal otinj ustveryf ewwor ds.
Ican’tbeli
eveI ’m onlyopeni ngi tnow!It hinkI
shouldcal lhim;ort exthim andt el
lhimt hatIl ove
himt oo…not hatwi l
lcompl i
cat ethings,letmej ust
l
eavehi mr i
ghtwher ehei s,r
ightatt hebackofmy
mindandr ightdeepdowni nsidemyhear t.I’
l
lkeep
himlockedi nthere.FunnyhowIdel etedhi s
numberagesagobutIcanst il
l knowi tl
ikeIknow
thebackofmyhand.Isi ngitfrom t i
met ot i
mej ust
tochecki fIstil
lrememberi t,and, eventual l
y,I
subconsci ouslydevel opedar hythm forit.

Gabacameoverar ound12:
00.Thi st
imethe
atmospherewasn'tasawkward, Ishoul
dsay.It
old
hi
m howIf eltaboutthi
swholethingandabout
goingovertohishouse.Atsomepoi ntIsai
dwe
needtostopseeingeachot her,hesaidhef el
tli
keI
wasbreakingupwi thhi m andthenbeggedmet o
notendourr el
ati
onshi p–hel it
erall
ygotdownon
hi
skneesandbeggedme.Iagr eed,butit'
sgoingbe
awhileunti
lIgobackt ohishouse, Ithi
nkthat'
s
whatmadeever ythingheavyandmaj or
.Someone's
atthedoor,Gabaat tendedtoitsincehewas
cl
osesttothedoor …hewast eachingmehowt o
makehisfamousbeefst ew.

“Whatt
hefuck?!?
!”It
urnedmygazetothedoorand
foundmybrother
swiththei
rgunspoi
ntedatGaba.
Thoughout
number ed–Gabastil
lhadhisoutt
oo.
NowhowdoIsol vethi
s?

“
Ever
ybodycal
m down,
”Isai
d.

“Whatishedoi
ngher
eBuhl
e?Ar
eyouokay?
”Mzi
asked.
“Putyourgundown,
”Idemanded.Hecockedhi
s
andpointedi
tbackatSnow.

“
AreyouokayBuhl
e,
?”Mzamoasked.

“I’
mf i
ne…youknowwhat ?”Itookabi gTupper war
e
container
,“Ifyouwantt ocomei nsi
de, dropyour
guninher e.Snow, ifyouwantt ostayinsi dedrop
yourgun…It oldyout hatIdon’ twantgunsi nhere,
”
theylookedatoneanot herunt ilGabaf i
nal l
y
droppedhi sfi
rst.“YoumayhaveaseatSnow, ”
Mandl adroppedhi s,Mzif oll
owedandt henMzamo,
butI’
m smar terthant hat.“Mzamowet hu,”he
paused.“theot herone,”hepul ledoutanot hergun
from i
nsidehiscoatandt hr
ewi tintheTupper war
e.
“Mzamo, andt heot herone…”

Hescof
fed;“
Fine”hepul
ledoutanot
heronef
rom
hi
sboot.
“
Thankyou;youmayhaveasi
t,
”
Iam gl
adt
orepor
tthatwear
eal
lseat
ed,
nonei
s
har
med…yet.

“Whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?”Mzir
aisedhi
svoi
ceat
Snow,

“
Hey!Donotshoutathi
m,”Idef
endedSnow.

“
Babygi
rl
,i
tsokay…”Snowsays.

“Babygi
rl
…heyfuckman!Hernamei sNobuhl
e,
”
Mzamoal sol
osthiscool
.“Nobuhleopenyour
fucki
ngmouthandspeak…whatt hehel
lis
happeni
nghere?”

“Mzamowethu,youwi
llnotspeakt
omel
ikethat
.I
am anadul
tandIcanmakemyowndecisions.
Thankyouverymuch,
”Isaid.
“Ohyou’reanadultnow…youcanmakeyourown
deci
sions,youdon’tneedus”hi
seyesar
etur
ning
redbutIwillnotbackdown.

“
Idi
dn’
tsayt
hat
,youar
etwi
sti
ngmywor
ds,
”

“Cl
earl
yyouar
enotgrownenough,
”hestood,
“Snowgett
hefuckoutofher
eandstayoutl
it
tl
e
doggy,
”

“
Mzamo,
wat
chyourt
ongue”Isai
dshar
ply.

“Yeahyouwat chyourdeci
sions…adul
t,
”hesai
dthat
mockingly.Il
ookedatMzihopinghe’dsay
somethingast heheadbutheseemedt obewi
th
Mzamo.Gabat ookhisbl
azerandstood.

“
Letmegocupcake,
it’
sokay,
”hesays.
“
I’
llwal
kyouout
,”

“Nonono…l i
stentoyourbrot
hers.Nowlist
en
cupcake;thest ewisf
inenow, youj
ustneedtodish
andenj oy.Dosharewiththeboys;it
’l
lmakethem
l
essgr umpy.Enj oymyfamousbeefst ewbrother
s,”
Aft
erSnowexcusedhi mself
;Mzidecidedweal l
t
akeabr eather
.Mziisoutsi
desmokingwi t
h
Mandla.I’
mi ntheki
tchenwashi
ngthedishes,the
l
astti
meIcheckedMzamowasi nthet oi
let.Oh
t
herehei s,

“
Nobuhl
e,
”hecal
lsme.

“
Yesbhut
i,
”

“Di
dwegowr ongsomewhere?Orwear
ejustnot
enough?Orut
atai
snotenough?”
“
Bhut
i,don’
ttal
kli
ket
hat
,”

“
Yourf
atherdi
ed!Ourf
ather
”hesai
daggr
essi
vel
y.

“
Mystep-f
atherdi
ed,hewasn’tmyfat
her.Youkept
t
hatasecret
,remember?
”Iclappedback.

“
Youwhol
eli
fehewasyourf
ather
,”

“
Unt
ilmy21stbi
rt
hday,
”

“I
’m sur
edadisdi
sappoi
ntedi
nyour
ightnow,
how
dareyourunt
othatman,
”

“Mzamowet huyouwi
llnotspeaktomeli
kethat
,I
meani t
,”Iwal
kedawayandheadeddownt he
passagetomyr oom,
hiseyeslookedal
ltoof
amili
ar.
ButIcanhearhi sfootstepsbehi ndme.Hegr abbed
myar m andpul ledmet owar dshim.Ipul l
edmyar m
away, “
Ifyoudar el ayahandonmeIpr omi seyouI
wil
ldisownyou.Iwi l
lneverspeakt oyouagai n;you
wil
lbedeadt ome, ”hel ookedatmewi thawe.It ook
tolooki
ngbackdet er
mi nedt onotbr eakandal l
ow
myselftobef rightenedbyanyt hi
nghewi llsayordo
next.Heslowlybackedawayandf i
nal l
ywal ked
away.Ienteredi ntomyr oom andl eanedagai nst
thedoor….Iam sopr oudofmysel f,sososopr oud.
“breat
hebr eathebr eathe,”Ichanted.
Aft
erwhatseemedli
keagoodhour
;Mzi
cal
ledme
t
otheli
ving-
room,

“Weallknowweneedt otalkasaf amil

yandfi
gure
outawayf orward,
”hesays.“ Thesil
encewon’
t
makethet hi
nganyeasier,”ther
egoesMzi bei
ng
wiseandmat ureabouteverythi
ng.

“
Iagr
ee,
”sai
dMandl
a.I
’
m si
tt
ingnextt
ohi
m,
Mzamoi
swithMzi
.
“
So,
”Mzisays,
“Di
dyour
eachoutt
ohi
m?”

“No,hecameher elastweekandsaidhewant edto

tal
k,”Iexplai
nedmysupposedt ransgr
ession.“So
thenIallowedhi min,wetal
ked.Iwentovertohis
housef ordinnerandmethiswifeandmybr other”

“Yourbr
ot her
?!?Canyouhearthebullshitcoming
outofyourmout h?Theonlybrother
syouhavear e
ri
ghtinfrontofyou…”Mzamosays.hei sjustbei
ng
sochil
dish;Ican’tdealwi
thsuchpetulance.

“
YesMzamo,Snowhasasonandi
fSnowismy
f
athert
hent
hatmakeshi
ssonmybrot
her
,”

“
Youjustmett
hisguyf
ivemi
nut
esago…”hi
stone
i
ncr
eased.
“Andwhosefaulti
st hat
? ”sodi
dmi ne.Hecouldnot
answerme.Sil
encet ookoverthespace.“Ican’
tdo
thi
sri
ghtnow,let’
sjusttalksomeotherti
me…I
can’
t”

“
Youwanttoplayhappyf
amilywi
ththisguy?”
Mandl
afi
nall
ysayssomethi
nganditisnotinmy
f
avour
.

“HeismyfatherMandla,t
hefactt
hatIjustmethi
m
doesn’
tchangethatIhavehi
sDNA, ”Isay.

“
Andus?
”Mzisai
d

“
Whatdoyoumean?
”Iasked.

“Whataboutus?What
’sgoi
ngt
ohappent
othe3of
us?”
-Mzi
“Nothing, Mziyouar emyf amilyandyouwi l
lal
ways
bemybr othersandIwi llneverleaveyou,butSnow
i
smyr ealf at
her,
”Isaid.Noneoft hem spokeand
thatmademeal i
ttl
esad,thatjustonlyshowsthat
theydon’ tunderstand.“Li
stenboys, t
hisis
somet hingIneedt odoandIwi lldoitwithor
withoutyoursuppor t
.I’
m sorryyouhadt of i
ndout
thi
sway”Mzamoexcusedhi mself,heheadedfor
thedoor .Mandl afoll
owedhi m.Iwasl eftwit
hMzi .
“Pleaset el
lmeyouunder stand.Iknowdadwoul d
bef i
newi t
hthis,Icanfeelit
,”

“
It
’sokayBuhl
e,
”hesai
d.Hecameandki
ssedmy
f
orehead.

“
Don’
tgot
hen,
”

“
I’
llj
ustst
epout
sidef
orasmoke,
”hesays.

Iknewt
hiswasabadi
dea.Ican’
tlosemybr
other
s
overpeopl eIliter
all
yjustmet5mi nutesago, but
suppor t
,whathappenedt osupport?Ican’t…Ijust
can’tkeepr earrangi
ngmyl if
ejusttomake
everythi
ngokayf orthem.I ’
m 21andIcanmakemy
owndeci si
ons, ImeanI ’
vebeennot hingbut
suppor t
ivetot hem,forgivemef orexpectingthe
samef r
om t hem.Mzamoi sback,heopenedt he
fr
idge.Iwentoverandwai tedforhimt oclose.He
fi
nallyclosedandsawme.Hehas3bot t
lesofbeer .

“
Mzamo,pl
easet
ryandunderst
and.Ir
eal
lydon’
t
wantt
ohur
tyouguys,
”Isai
d.

“
Makemeunder
stand,
”hesays.

“Iknewt
hati
fIt
oldyouyou’
dki
llmeandl
it
eral
lyki
ll
him,”

“
Damnr
ighthe’
sgoi
ngt
odi
e,
”
“
Areyoumad?Hei
smyf
ather
”

Thenextt hingIheardwasbot t
lesbreaking,he
grabbedmebyt heshoul dersandpinnedme
againstthef r
idge.There’sbrokengl assalloverthe
ti
les.Hejustcaughtmebysur pri
se;Ididn’tknow
whatt odoexceptt oscr eam.Iwassol oudt hatMzi
andMandl acamei nflying.Whenhesawt hem his
griparoundmyshoul dersl oosened.Hisar msf el
l.

“Iwasn’tgoi
ngtohurther,
”hesaysbreat
hing
heavi
ly.Mandlacamet omyaid;hetookmyhand
andmovedmeawayf r
om Mzamo.“Iwasn’tgoi
ng
tohurtyouBuhle,
”helookedatme.

“
Getout
,”Mzisays.

“
Buhl
e,Ipr
omi
seyou…”
“
Isai
dgetout,
”Mzi
tookonanaggressi
vet
one,“
Get
t
hefuckout
.Goandbreat
he…”Mzamoobeyed.

“
Ihaveaclassat7:
45…letmecal
litani
ght
,”Isai
d
t
ryi
ngtocontr
olmytrembli
ngvoi
ce.

Icri
edsohar dbecauseIfel
tIletmyselfdownf or
notpushingawayordoi ngsomethingtodef end
mysel f
.Notsol ongagoIdid,Ithr
eatenedt odisown
himifhehur tme.Whathappenedt othatlady?She
onlyli
vedf or5secondsandt henleft
,li
kemom she
l
efttooear l
y.Whenshedi edIwasst i
lltooyoungt o
understandal otoft
hings,maybejustmaybeshe
wouldhavet oldmet hatdadwasn’tmydadi fshe
hadlivedlonger.

Ilef
tthehouseat5a.m,tooearl
y;Iknow.Idi
dn’
t
wanttofaceanyofthem.Icouldn’
tfi
ndmycar
keyssoItookthei
rcaranddrovetothe
beach…..
yes,t
hebeach,i
t’
sveryniceandpeacef
ul
atthi
stime.Igotmylapt
opwithme, I’
m busy
fi
nishingupanassi gnmentwhi chisduet omor row
butifIfinishnowIcansubmi tear l
y.I’
m agood
chil
d.Al wayshavebeen……wai t,that’
smycar .
Mzamo.Howdoesonedot his?Igotoutoft hecar
andwat chedhi m walkup.myst omachi stwisti
ng
andt urning.Idon’tknowwhat ’
sgoi nghappenher e
andf orsomer easonIfeell
iketheoddsar est acked
againstme.

“
Howdi
dyouf
indme?
”Iasked.

“
Thecarhasatr
acker
,”hesays.Hel
eanedagai
nst
t
hecarandsodi
dI

“I
fyou’r
eheret
oswi t
ch;I
’
m sorr
y,t
hatcan’
t
happen…I’
veal
readymadeitwarminsi
de,
”

“Pl
easebeli
evemewhenIsayIwasn’
tgoi
ngt
ohur
t
youlastni
ght,
”hesays.
“
Woul
dyoubl
amemei
fIdi
dn’
t?”

“
No,
”hesayssof
tl
y.

“I’
m madatmysel fMzamo, fornotstandi
ngupt o
you.NotlongbeforethatIdid;Ist
oodmygr ound
andyoubackedaway.Whenyouhel dmeagai nst
thefr
idgeallIcoul
ddowasscr eam andli
kealways
yourbrot
hersrescuedme.Idon’ twantthat…Iwant
tosavemysel f
….onl
ypr i
ncessesneedsavingandI
am notaprincess”,
Ivented.

“I’
vealwayst houghtyouwer eaqueen, t
houghdad
call
edyoupr i
ncess.Honestly,somet imest heway
your espondt ocert
ainsit
uationsshocksmeand
thewayt he3ofusj ustcan’
tlivewi thoutyouit’
s
scary.There’sawayyougetust oyi eldtoyour
wor dwithouthavingtospeakmuchordomuch,
thatisbadassand…i tint
imidatesme” ,Igiggl
ed,“
If
your eal
lylookintothi
ngsyou’ llf
indt hatiti
susthat
reall
yneedt ober escuedandever yday-likea
warri
orqueen-your escueourgrownsorryasses.
Whydoyout hi
nkwedon’ twanttoloseyoutoGaba
andhisfamily?Becausewewon’ thaveourhero
anymoreandt hatwil
lnotbenice.Iam admit
ti
ng
thati
twil
lbreakmei fIloseyoutothatman”,

“
Butyouwon’tl
oseme.I’
mj ustget
ti
ngt
oknowmy
r
ealf
atherandmyotherbr
other…”

“You’
rehereandtheyarehere,nextt
hingyouwon’t
becomi nghomeasusual,thenyou’l
lstar
tmissi
ng
ourcall
s.You’l
lmoveinwit
ht hem andthen…and
thenwewon’ tbesi
bli
ngsanymor e,
”hesoundsso
sad.

“Comeher e”Ihuggedhi m, “Wewi l

lneverstopbeing
sibl
ingsokay?Youwi llalwaysbemybr other.No
sucht hi
ngwi l
lhappen,”Icuppedhi sfacewi t
hmy
handsandl ookedathi m.Hei stryi
ngsohar dt onot
cryrightnow,Icanseei talloverhiseyes.”Besides;
youboyswi llki
dnapmei fImovei nwiththem, ”he
engul
fedmei
nhi
sar
ms.

“
I’
m sor
rysi
s,
”

“Il
oveyousomuchandIwi
llal
waysbeyoursi
ster
,”
Iki
ssedhisneck.

“Ski
pschoolt
oday,l
et’
sgoonadate,
”hesays.“
The
boyswil
lbeherei
nashortwhi
le,
”

Thefourofuswentoutf orbr eakfastatMcDonal d

andIcannowof f
ici
all
ysaymybr othersareabad
i
nfl
uence.Ever ytimet hey’rear oundIseem t o
al
waysski pcl ass.Mandl ainsi st
edwegetdesser t
andweal lfelltrapandagr eed.Il ovehowt heyare
al
wayst easingoneanot her,theirjokesjustalways
makemel aughmyl ungsout .IhaveMandl a’s
phone,Idon’tknowwhy, butt henitrangandt he
cal
lerI
Dr eadNhl anhla.Idon’ tknowwhyIr eadthat
befor
eIgavei ttohim.Hest eppedout sidetopickit
up,butwecanseehi mf r
om wher ewear eseated.
Hestartedsmil
inginfactanyonewoul dsayhei s
bl
ushing.Ishesti
llt
alki
ngtoNhl anhla…Nhlanhlai
s
aZulunamegi ventoamal echil
d, r
ight?Oritcan
beunisex….ormaybeinthiscase,it
’sshortfor
Nonhlanhla.

Outofcur i
osi
ty,IwentonInstagr
am andscrol
led
thr
ought hepeopleheisfoll
owing.Icameacrossa
Nhlanhl
a‘ NJ’Jacobsandhei saboy.Hisphotos
arewow…he’ sanactivi
stfort
heLGBTQIcommuni t
y
athisschoolDUT.

“Whatar
eyoudoi
ng?
”Mziaskedt
hrowi
ngast
raw
atmyface.

“Justbr
owsingthroughInstagram,freewif
i,
”Isaid
completel
ygivi
nghim zeroat t
enti
on.Theywent
backtotal
kingaboutbusiness.Backt othi
sNJ
thi
ng,coul
dMandl abe…..noNobuhl e,j
ustl
etitgo.I
l
ockedmyphoneandt hrewi tbackinmybag.I t
’s
noneofmybusi ness,butthenwhati
fhei s…st
il
l
Buhle,noneofyourbusinessifhewantstoohewil
l
tel
lyouandyouwi llaccepthi
m andlovehimli
ke
always.

Soar ound12:00Iwentt oschoolandatt

endeda
12:00lectur
e,Iwantedtogetawayf rom my
brothersf
oral i
tt
lewhileandIdon’tknowwhyI
choset ogotoschool.At14:30Igothomeand
foundanot eont heki
tchencountersayi
ng:

HADTOGOBACKHOMETOTAKECAREOF
BUSINESS,
WELOVEYOU
Cansomebodypl easetel
lmewhyt heycouldn’tcall
meort extmef orthatmatter,
mybr otherscanbe
verydodgyatt i
mesandIal waysst opmysel ff
rom
thi
nkingaboutthenumberofi l
legalthingsthey
couldbeinvolvedin.Ei
therway;Il ovet hem
regardl
ess.Isentamessaget oMzi r
espondingt o
thei
rnote:
ISAW THENOTE:ILOVEYOUTOO.

[
01/
05,
13:
53] : ENTRY64

EXPERIENCEI
SSI
MPLYTHENAMEWEGI
VEOUR
MISTAKES.
-
OscarWi
lde

5YEARSLATER

Myphoner
ingswhi
leI
’
m get
ti
ngr
eadyf
orwor
k.I
t’
s
Mzi
,
“
MZI
WAMANDLA,
”Ipi
ckedup.

“YOUNEEDTOCOMEBACKWENEEDYOU,
”He
says.

“BHUTI
,I’
M SUREIDONOTNEEDTOREMINDYOU
THATIHAVEAJOB…IWORK…I’M ANEMPLOYEE,
”

“
MANDLAI
S…”

“MANDLAISWHAT?HELLO,
MZI
,
”thephone
beeped.

Let’
sjustpraythatheranoutofair
ti
mebecausei f
hedroppedthecallonmehehasanot herthi
ng
comingforhim.Iwonderwhat’shappeni
ngwith
Mandlathough.IfewdaysagoIhadadr eam about
him.Helookedsoskinny,hi
sbodywasj ustl
if
eless.
Heneededt ojuststopbreathi
ngtobepr onounced
dead.It’
sli
keIwast ryi
ngtogethimt ot alkbutall
hedi dwasrunawayf r
om me.Icall
edhi mt he
foll
owingmor ni
ngandaskedi fhewasokay, he
assuredmehewasf i
nejustti
redf
rom wor k.He
soundedf i
netome.Aaf t
erthatIj
ustfeltsoweak,
l
ikehowIf eelwhenMandl aisintr
oubl e.Icalled
Palesaandaskedhert ojustkeepaneyeonhi m.I
reall
ydidn’
tpaymuchat t
enti
ontoallthat, Iwas
distr
actedbywor k.

I’
vegr aduatedwi t
hmyBAi nl
aw.Iam cur rent l
y
busywi thmyar t
icl
esi nalawfirm ownedbyan
Indianman, MrNaidoo;it’
scall
edNai dooand
Partners.He’sapr ett
ycoolguy;hemot i
vatesme
everynowandagai nbecausenoneofhi skids
venturedi nt
olaw.Hi sdaughterisahighschool
sciencet eacherandhi ssonthatjustgraduat ed
from highwant stost udyfi
lm.HesaysI ’m his
protégéandhonest l
yIl i
ketheti
meandener gyheis
puttingintomakingt hisexperi
enceamemor able
onef orme.Ever yoneIwor kwithisjustsoni ceand
theymakecomingt
owor
kexci
ti
ng.AsIpar
kedmy
carmyphonerang.

“
HELLO,
”Isai
d.

“
BUHLE,
YOUNEEDTOCOMEBACK,
”shesays.

“PALESA,
YOUGUYSNEEDTOSTOPHARRASSI
NG
ME.IWORK…IHAVEAJOB.ICAN’
TJUSTPI
CKUP
ANDLEAVE,”

“OOBHUTIBAKHOBAYAKUDI
NGANJENA?
”(YOUR
BROTHERSNEEDYOU)

“BANDI DI
NGANANTONIBENGAMADODA
AGUGI LEYO,”(
WHYDOTHEYNEEDMEWHEN
THEYAREGROWNMAN? )Iasked.Theyar
e
actual
lykindofpi
ssi
ngmeoffri
ghtnow.Ican’
tjust
wakeupanddeci
dethatI
’
mleavi
ng.Unl
iket
hem;I
workf
orsomeone.

“BUHLE,
ICAN’
TDEALWITHALLOFTHI S,
JUST
COMEHOME,”hert
onewasaggr
essi
ve.

“EXCUSEME?YOUAREMARRI EDTOMY
BROTHERSOBEAWI FEAND…HELLO, WHATTHE
FUCK!!
!”shetoodr
oppedthecallonme.Ipromi
se
youmybr ot
hersar
ejustt
ryi
ngtogetmef i
redsoI
canmovebackhomef orgood.

Idroppedmybagsont hedeskandcaughtmy
breath.Mybr ot
herswil
lbethedeathofme,but
,
event houghIam soannoyed,I’
m st
il
lali
tt
le
worri
edt hatsomethi
ngmi ghtbeseri
ousl
ywrong.

“
Sthandwa,
”(l
ove)hedr
oppedsomef
il
esonmy
desk,“l
ookthoseupforme,
cal
lwhoneedst
obe
cal
led.Iloveyou,
”hebl
ewmeakiss.

“Goodmor ni
ngtoyout ooMnot ho,
”Mnothoisan
attor
neyhereandheisgoodatwhathedoes.Iam
alsoworki
ngunderhim, meaningIhelphim wi
thal
l
hiscasesandIjustt
akeor der
sf r
om him.Mnothoi
s
alsoverymuchnotstraight
.

“Youwillnotbel
ievest
handwa,”hecal
lsever
yone
sthandwa,incl
udingMrNaidoo.

“
Whathappe…”myphoner
ings,
it’
sMzamo.

“I
FYOUDARETELLMETOCOMEHOME,I
PROMISEYOUIWI
LLCHANGEMYSURNAMETO
GABA,
”Isai
d.
“I
T’SNOTHINGMAJOR, MANDLAI
SJUSTNOT
OKAY,”hesayscal
mly.

“
WHATI
SWRONGWI
THHI
M?I
SHESI
CK?
”Iasked.

“
BUYAQHA!
”(JUSTCOMEBACK,
)

“IAM I
NMYCARRIGHTNOW ANDIAM DRI
VING
TOHOMEAFFAIRS,
”It
hreat
ened.

Hedidn’tdothat!Hedi
dn’
thanguponme.Iam
fuming;thesepeopl
edon’
ttakemyj
obser
iousl
y.I
groanedoutofanger.
“I
severyt
hingokayst
handwa?
”Mnot
hoaskedout
ofconcer
n

Isi
ghedsharpl
y.“
Idon’
tthi
nkso,Idon’
tknow
Mnotho,t
heboyswantmet ocomehome”Irubbed
myforehead.
“
Hambaki
nigi
rl
,”(
gohome)hesays.

“
Ican’
tjustl
eave,
”Isai
dbi
ti
ngi
ntomynai
ls.

“You’
reagoodgi
rl
,theol
dmanwi
llunder
stand,
”he
says.

“
Yout
hinkso?
”

“Letmet al
kt ohi
m,”hef
lewout.Andi
namat t
erof
secondshewasback.Il ovehowMnothoactslike
thebossher e.Hecal
lst
heshotsandMrNai doo
can’tevenseethatMnothogetst
hefi
nalsay.“He
want stoseeyou,”

AsIam wal ki
ngdownt hispassaget
ohisoffi
ceI
feelsoscared.Ihavenevert
akenadayoff,asked
fordayoff,
takenahalfdayorbeenlatesi
nceI
start
edwor ki
nghere.I
’
m good,Ihaveacl
ean
record.Icl
earedmythroatasIst
eppedi
ntohi
s
venti
latedoff
ice.

“
Whatisthemat
ter
?”heloweredhi
sgl
assest
othe
t
ipofhi
snoseandlookedatme.

“It
hinksomethingiswrongbackathome…Idon’t
thi
nkit’
sthatseri
ous,maybemybr ot
hersare
overr
eacti
ngsoal loft
hisi
sjustunnecessar
y.”I
mumbl ed

“
Goandpackabagandheadhome,
bebackon
Monday,
”hesai
d.
“
ThankyouMr
.Nai
doo,
”

Sot hereIwasdr ivi

ngbackhome,thi
shadbett
erbe
serious.Ijusthopethatthef
ewthi
ngsIpackedare
allIwillneedforthi
sweekend.Inf
actImadesureI
packasmal lbagsot heywon’
tmakemestayany
l
onger.OnSundaymor ni
ngIam dri
vingbackt omy
smallcosyfl
atandthenonMonday;it’sbackto
work.Speaki
ngofsmallcosyf
lat
s,mybr other
s
boughtmeanapar t
mentisAmanzimt otiandI’
ve
beensayingI’
l
lmoveinnextweekfort hepast3
monthsnow.

Mzamoi
scal
li
ng.

“
YESMZAMO,
”

“I
FYOUI NCREASEYOURSPEEDATADBI T,
YOU’LLARRIVEFASTERTHANEXPECTED,”he
says.

“
WHAT?
”

“
THESPEEDATWHI
CHYOUAREDRI
VINGI
SFAR
TOOSLOW,
TAKEITUPANOTCHSOYOU’
LLBE
HOMEONTIME,
”hesays.
“
MZAMO…DI
DYOUPUTASTALKI
NGGADGETI
N
MYCAR?
”

“
YES,
ANDI
T’SCALLEDATRACKER,
”

“WHENDIDYOUPUTATRACKERINMYCAR…SO
NOW YOUMONITOREVERYMOVEIMAKE?
”

“WHENIBOUGHTI
T.THERE’
STHECOMPANY
TRACKER,
ANDTHEONEIINSTALLED.JUSTTO
BEONTHESAFESIDE,
”

“THAT’
SNOTNICEATALLANDBHUTI,
YOUGUYS
CAN’TJUSTEXPECTMETOPACKUPANDCOME
ATYOURCOMMAND, IHAVEAJOB,
”

“
SLOW DOWN.YOUHAVESPEEDHUMPSAHEAD,
”
hesays.

“OKAY,AREYOU…OUCH,GOSH…”Iwentovera
speedhump;Idi
dn’
tsl
owdownli
kehesaid.

“
SLOW DOWNNOBUHLE,
”hesays.

“
OKAY,
”Idecr
easedmyspeed,

“YOUJUSTWENTOVERTHELASTONE,
PICKI
T
UP,”Iobeyed.

“
ISTHATFI
NE?
”Iasked.

“YEAH,
KEEPATTHAT.LI
STENIWI
LLWAI
TFOR
YOUBYTHESTOREOKAY,”

“
OKAY,
I’
LLSEEYOU…”
Andindeed,
hewast her
ewait
ingf
ormebythe
st
ore.Iputt
hecaronneutr
alandgotout
.Het
hrew
awaywhatwasleftofhi
sjoi
nt.

“
Youare15minut
esbehi
ndt
ime,
”smokeescaped
f
rom hi
snose.

“ButI’
m her
enow, hugme, ”hesmi ledandt hen
pull
edmet ohischestandembr acedme.Igavehi m
thekeyssohecouldt akeover .I’
mt ired…theygot
meusedt ohavingthem dr ivebecauset heyal
ways
i
nsistonfetchi
ngme.“ Sowhatexact lyis
happening?
”Iasked.Het ookaqui ckgl anceatme
andthenlookedatther ear-vi
ewmi r r
or .

“
Let
’st
alkwhenwegethome,
”Iwi
llr
espectt
hat
.

Wefi
nal
lyar
ri
vedathomeandboyweretheyhappy
t
oseeme.Khanyai
snowMr sMqokel
i,
shejoined
Palesainthatgang.Lucki ly;t
heygetal ongandt hey
actuall
ykneweachot herbeforetheyevenst arted
datingmybr others.Monwabi sii
sabi gboy,hei s
j
ustsocut eandador able.Hei sveryconsiderate
andcompassi onate,t
hat ’
sonet hi
ngIsol oveabout
him.Andt hef actthathet hi
nkshim andIar elike
thebestoffriends.However ,
somet hi
ngi snotr ight
,
Ifel
titwhenIwashuggi ngMzamoear l
ier
.Mandl a
i
snother e.

“Wherei
sMandl aandhowmanygirl
fri
endsdoeshe
havenow?”Iasked.Noonesai
danythi
ng.

“
DaddyMandlai
ssi
ck…”Mosaysconcent
rat
ingon
t
hetvscr
een.

“
DaddyMandl
aiswhat
?”

“Mo,got
oyourr
oom boy,
letdaddyt
alkt
oBuhl
e
okay,
”
“Okay,”hest
ruggl
edt
ost
andbutf
inal
lygothi
s
balance.

“
What
’shappeni
ng?
”Iasked.

“
Mandl
aisi
nhospi
tal
?”Mzisays.

“
Isi
tst
il
lthef
lu?
”Iasked.

“
Whatf
lu?
”Mzamoasks.

“
Ical
ledtocheckonhim.Hesaidhewasjustti
red
f
rom work…andhehadaflu”Isay,
“Hesoundedfi
ne
t
ome, ”

“
Mzihasbeentaki
ngcareofthi
ngsathiscl
ub,
”
Mzamosays.Mandladi
destabl
ishasidebusi
ness
ofhisown.HeopenedaclubcalledCLUBM, and
accordi
ngtomyknowledgeitwasdoi ngwonder
s.I
t
getsbookedf
orcel
ebri
tybir
thdays,appear
ances
andsoon.

“
Mandl
adi
dn’
thavenof
lu,
”Khanyasaysl
ooki
ngat
Mzi
.

“
Cocai
neover
dose,
”Mzispeaks.

“
Cocai
ne,
”-Me

“
Yeah,buthesayshewant
stost
op,hetol
dme
whenIwenttoseehi
minthemorni
ng,
”-Pal
esa

“
Didyouguysknowhewasoncocai
ne?
”Iasked.

“
Hel
lno,
Ial
wayst
ellhi
mtomakesur
ethatnot
hing
i
ll
egalgoesintot
heclub.Iur
gedhimt
okeepthat
busi
nessclean…”Mzisays.“
Iwil
lbef
etchi
nghi
mi n
ashortwhil
e,”

“Okay,maybewecouldbookhi
mintoarehab.He
canevencomeandst aywit
hmeforafewweeks,I
cantakecareofhi
m,”Isai
d.

“Di
dyouf eeli
tBuhl
e,si
nceyouknow…”Pal
esa
asked.AndyesIknowwhatshe’st
alki
ngabout
.

“Yes, Ihadadisturbingdr eam abouthim;andthen

afterthatIj
uststartedf eeli
ngweak.IcalledPalesa
andaskedhert omoni t
orhi m.Idi
dn’twanttomake
abi gdealoutofit…pl uswor kwasadi str
acti
onsoI
didn’tlooki
ntoitthatmuch, ”

OkBuhle,cal
m yourselfdownandbr eat
heit’
snot
yourpr
oblem sothereforedonotcarryi
tonyour
shoul
ders.Donotletiteatyouinsi
de.Calm down
andj
ustf
indawayf
orwar
d.

Iwokeupat22: 40andheardMandla’
svoice.I
thoughtIwasjustgoi
ngtoliedownandwai tf
orhi
s
arri
val
,buti
tseemsIpassedout .Whenhesawme,
hestoodup,IwasshockedatwhatIwasl ooki
ngat,
helookedski
nny.ThisisnottheMandlaIknow.He
openedhisarmsandhuggedme.

“Youscar
edme.Ical
ledandaskedifyouweref
ine,
youassur
edmeeverythi
ngwasfine”Isai
d.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”

“
so;cocai
nehuh?
”Isayt
aki
ngaseat
.

“
Comeonsi
s,l
et’
snotdot
his…”
“
I’
m sor
ry,
Ijustdon’
tunder
standMandl
a,”

“
Don’tdothatBuhle,
I’
mti
red…i
nfact
,”hest
ood“
let
mejustcal
litanight
.”

“
ButI
’
m st
il
ltal
kingt
oyou”

“
Idon’
twantt
otal
ktoyouaboutt
his…j
ustbut
tout
,”

“Guys,t
hisi
snott heti
metobequarrel
li
ng,Khanya
andPalesapleaseexcuseus,
”Mzisays.“Mandla
sitdown,
”heobeyed.

“Mandl
a, whatdr
oveyout ot akecocaine?Your
brot
herstol
dyout imeandt imeagaint ostayaway
fr
om anythi
ngill
egal.Howdoyout hinktheyfel
t
whentheyfoundoutt hatyouwer einhospi t
alf
or
over
dosingondr ugsMandl a,”
“Whocalledherhere?Li
stenBuhl
e,Iappr
eci
ate
yourconcernbutyoudon’tneedt
obehere,I
’
llsor
t
thi
soutmyself”

“
Wheni
shegoi
ngt
orehab?
”Iasked.

“
Rehab?
”hesoundsshocked.

“Yes,
rehab.Pal
esasaysyousai
dyouwantt
o
change,
”Mzamosays.

“
YeahbutIdi
dn’
tsayanyt
hingaboutr
ehab,
”

“It
hinkyoushouldgoMandla,
youcanstil
lbeatt
his
bhuti
.Infact
;yourcasei
snotevensever
e”

“
Isai
dIdon’
twantt
o,”het
ookonat
hickst
accat
o.
“Nowyouar ej
ustbei
ngself
ishandchi
ldi
sh.Even
Monwabisiknowsthatsomethi
ngi
swrongwi t
h
you…”

“
Fuckyou,
”hesai
dandst
ood.

“
Howmat
ureMandl
a…r
eal
lymat
ure,
”Isay.

“Li
keIsai dfuckyouNobuhl e,gett
hefuckoutof
here”heclickedhistongueashewal keddownt he
passaget ohisroom.Thepl anwast ocalm down
andr at
ionall
yfindawayf orwardbutMandl ajust
hasawayofget t
ingmesomad;hej ustknowshow
topressallthewr ongbutt
ons.

“
Tal
ktoyourbr
other
,”Isai
dtot
hebot
hoft
hem.

“Buhle,youneedt
obemorecompassi
onat
e.We
don’tknowwhatisgoi
ngoni
nsidehi
shead,f
oral
l
weknowhemi ghtmest r
uggl
ingwit
hsomethi
ng
biggert
hanus.Wejustneedt
obekindandbether
e
forhim,
”Mzispokesomesense.Iwasali
tt
le
i
nsensit
ive.

“
Yeah,don’
tbet
oohardonhim,heneedsyounow
moret
hanever,
”Mzamoagreedwit
hhim.

“
Iunder
stand,
Iwi
llgoandt
alkt
ohi
m,”

“Tal
ktohi
minthemor
ning,
justl
ethi
m bef
or
now…”Mzisai
d.

[
01/
05,
13:
53] : ENTRY65

FORI TWASNOTINTOMYEARYOUWHI
SPERED,
BUTINTOMYHEART.ITWASNOTMYLI
PSYOU
KISSED,BUTMYSOUL.
-
JudyGar
land

Mzamowokemeupwi thacupofcoff
ee,as
thought
fulast
hegest
urei
s;If
eell
ikether
e’sa
bombcomi ng.

“Sukuphindelae-Dur
ban,
”(Don’
tgobacktoDur
ban)
Yepthere’sthatbombIwast al
kingabout
.

“Mzamo,pl
easedon’
tdothi
s,pl
ease…mylif
eisi
n
KZNIneedtobeatworkonMonday,”Isay.

“
Butwear
eher
e,”hesays.

“
Ther
e’snot
hingher
eforme,
”

“
Andus?
”het
ookmyhand,
“
YouknowwhatImeanMzamo,
”

“Ever
ythi
ngfal
lsapar
twhenyou’
renotar
ound,
we
needyou,”

“
Youhaveme,
justl
ikeIhaveyou,
”

“
Please”

“I’
l
lthinkabouti
t,
”Isaidwithawarm smil
e,he
recipr
ocatedbysmiletoo.Suddenl
yther
ewasa
scream comingfrom outsi
de.MzamoandIboth
j
umpedandheadedf orthedoor.

“Help!
”Palesacri
ed.She’scarryi
ngMonwabi siand
heiscryi
nghysterical
ly.Mandlaisonthefloor,
shi
t
he’shavi
ngseizures.Mziisstandingoverhim
tryi
ngtopinhim downt otheground.Mzamoal so
rushedovertohelpwhi l
eItri
edtocalm Palesaand
Modown.Whatt
hehel
lhappenedher
eexact
ly?

Af t
erMandl ahadcal meddown, t
heyr ushedhimt o
thehospi t
alintown.Imustsay;I ’m alit
tl
ebit
traumatizedf r
om whatIsaw.I ’
mj ustsadt hatI
couldn’thelpatall.IaskedPal
esawhathad
happenedshet oldmet hatMandl awascar ryi
ngMo
whent hesei zuresstart
ed.I
’m guessinghemi ght
havefellandgothur tsomehow.Butt henagai n;
whowoul dn’tcrywhenseeingt hei
rsmal ldaddyin
thatstate.

At15:00t heboyscal ledandt oldusthatt hey’ve

seent hedoct orandthathewasnotget t
ing
admi t
ted.ThankHeavens, It
houghtthey’dshowup
shortl
yaf t
erthatbutt here’ssti
llnosignoft hem.I
decidedtot akeabr eatherandgot otherivertoget
somewat erforabsolutelynor eason.Wehavea
tankintheyar dandt apsi nsi
det hehousenowbutI
j
ustwantt othink.So;theseboysandt heirwives
wantmet omovebackhomeandasmuchasI
enjoythei
rcompany, Idon’twanttostayhere.
what ’
shereforme,honestlyspeakingnow.Backi n
Durban,Iam doi
ngwhatIl ove;practi
cinglaw.
Thingsmaynotbeexact l
yhowenvi sagedbutI
mean…Iwi l
lgetther
e.Forexampl e,Idon’thavemy
Zuluhunkasyet …markthatasyet .AndIam notas
superasIhadhoped;butl ikeIment i
oned,Iwil
lget
there.

“Molosis,
”myt r
ainofthoughtsisdistur
bedbya
voicet
hatsoundedalltoofamili
arcomi ngfr
om this
fancycarparki
ngnexttome.Ther eardooropened
andheemer ged.Myhear tl
it
eral
lystopped.My
handsjustwentnumbasar esultt
hebucketslipped
outofmyf i
ngerstotheground.It’
shim.

“Molobhuti
,”Isaysmil
ingfrom eartoear
.Almost6
yearsago,aguyinafancycarst oppedmerighton
thi
sspot.Iknowitwast hi
sspotbecausethishuge
rockisst
il
lhere.Hewidelyopenedhisarms,every
partofmejuststar
tedshiveri
ng.Ijumpedathim
wit
heveryounceofexci
tementt
hatwasi
nmy
vei
ns.Heembracedme.

“Youlooksobeaut iful
, myGodl ookatyou...
Inever
thoughtI’
dseeyouagai n,”hesaidlookingatme
from t
opt otoe.Hepul ledmecl oserandhuggedme
again,thi
stimehel i
ftedmeupandspunmear ound.
“Youlooklikeaf lower …allgrownupandgl owing.
Justlookatyou, ”hest illsmellsgoodandhi shugs
arestil
lheavenly, j
ustlikeIr emembert hem,hest i
ll
holdsmet hesameway.Iam t ell
ingyounoonei n
thisl
ifeholdsmel i
ket hisguyr ighthere.Nota
singl
esoul .

“
LikhakhaNkosiLawr
enceDal
indyebo,
”myf
eet
f
inall
ytouchedt
heground.

“Onl
yNobuhleMqokel
icancal lt
hechiefbyhis
nameinst
eadofprai
singhim,”hesayssmi l
ing.I
thi
nkwebothjustmi
ndbl own.Thelastti
meIsaw
thi
sguyIwas19…20…I ’
m notsure.
“
Ohmybad,”Icurt
seyedali
tt
le,
“NkosiYesi
zwe,
”
(
Kingoft
henati
on)Isang.

“Awusemhl e!Ut
yantoniwenawedwa,”(Youar eso
beautif
ul,
whatareyoueating?
)heasks.Ihaveno
i
deahowmanyt i
meshehassai dIam beauti
ful
alr
eadybutI t
’smorethanoneshouldi
nasi ngleday,
tojustoneperson.

“Youaresocheesy.ButI’
m happyyouf
inal
lygot
ever
ythi
ngyouwant ed,
”Isaid.“
Whenwasthe
i
naugurat
ion?
”

“Wellnotever ythi
nghey…that’
snotquiteallt
hatI
wanted,”hel ookedatme, t
helooki
nggott ooheavy
formesoIj ustlookedatmyshoes.Thi sis
awkwar d.“It
’sonTuesday, t
heinaugurati
on
ceremonyi st hisTuesdayanditwouldmeanal oti
f
you’dbet here,”hesays,
“
Iwil
lbelonggonet
hen,
Ihavet
obeatwor
kon
Monday,
”
“Heynow!That
’ssadI
’
dhavereall
yappr
eci
ated
yourpr
esence,
butIwi
llt
akei
tli
keaman.”Hesays.

Thewhol ewaytotheri
verIwasrepl
ayi
ngtheent
ir
e
encounterIhadwit
hhim.Icoul
dstil
lsmel
lhi
m,
hearhisvoiceandhi
sgiggl
es.ThankGodIcame
home.

“Andthen…whyareyousmili
ngtoyoursel
f.Di
dyou
meetaguy?”Khanyaasked.Notjustanyguy
Khanyamyl ove,
theeguy.

“Not
hing,
I’
mjustthi
nki
ng,
”Isai
dput
tingt
hebucket
onthecount
er.“
Wherearet
heboys?
”

“
Theyar
einyourr
oom,
they’
rehavi
ngameet
ing,
”
Khanyasays.

“
Letmeseet
hem,
”Iheadedt
omyr
oom andf
ound
t
hem t
her
e.

“
Hel
lo…am Idi
stur
bing?
”Iasked.

“I
t’sagoodt
hingyou’
reher
e…comei
n,”Mzi
says.
Allthr
eeoft
hem ar
ehere.

“
What
’sup?
”Iasked.

“Weneedyout omovebackhome,
”Mandlasays.
Andjustl
ikethatmymoodwasrui
ned.Theyare
act
uall
yserious.

“Thi
sismadness.Ist
udi
edtobealawyerandnow
youwantmetogiveupalloft
hatbecauseyouwant
met
ost
ayher
e…”Isay.

“Si
s,youcanstartyourownl
awyerbusi
nessher
e
andhelppeopl
e,”-Mzi

“Andthetrut
hiswecanprot
ectyouwhenyouar
e
here,
closert
ohome,”
-Mzamo

“
Thi
ngsj
ustf
allapar
tmostoft
het
ime,
”-Mandl
a

“Putt
hem backtoget
her
.Ihavemyownt
hingst
o
putbackt
ogether…

“
PleaseBuhl
e,wearebeggingyou,
”-
Mzi
,myphone
r
ings.Ohl
ordit
’sMrNaidoo.

“
HELLO,
”
“DARLING,IHAVEABIGCASE, INEEDAN
ASSISTANT…”hesays.What?Whenhehasbi
g
cases;heworkswi
thMnothoorKaren.

“YOUWANTTOWORKWI THME?”Iasked.I
nfact
;
MrNaidoohasnevereverwor
kedwithme.Ihave
neverseenhi
mli
ti
gate.

“AREYOUINTERESTEDORYOUWANTTOBE
MNOTHO’SLITTLEPUPPYYOURWHOLELI
FE?
”he
asked.

“
AREYOUKI
DDINGME?OFCOURSE, IWANTTO.
WHATAREWELOOKI
NGAT?”Iasked.

“IEMAI
LEDYOUACOPYOFTHECASEFI LE,
”thank
Godmyl apt
opwason.Ij
ustconnect
edt
otheWI FI
andopenedmyemail
s.
“IAM LOOKI
NGATI TRIGHTNOW, THISIS
AWESOME…MURDER”Isay.Iknowt hatsounds
wrongbutIdon’tmeanthatmur
derisexcit
ingbut
j
ustthatIwi
llbedeali
ngwithamurdercase.

“OURCLI
ENTSAYSHEDIDN’TDOIT.YOUKNOW
OURJOB;PROVEBEFORETHECOURTOFLAW
THATHEREALLYDIDN’
TDOI T,
”

“
HAVEYOUSPOKENTOHI
M?”Iasked.

“YEAH,
IDON’TTHINKHEDI
DIT.
..SOMETHI
NG
DOESN’TADDUP,”
“AREYOUSUREYOUDON’ TWANTMNOTHOTO
ASSISTYOUSIR?”Iasked.Iwasgett
ingnervous
j
ustbylooki
ngatt
hiscase.It
’sbi
ggerthananythi
ng
I
’vehandl
ed.
“YOUALWAYSSAYIUNDERESTI MATEYOU,
PROVEYOURSELFTOME.IWANTTOHI REYOU
WHENYOUFI NISHWI THYOURARTICLES.START
WORKI NGDARLI NG…”What?!
?Hewantstogiveme
ajob,t
here…thisisawesome.“BEHEREON
MONDAYSOWECANSTARTWORKI NG,”WhenI
l
ookedatmybr other
s;Ij
ustcoul
dn’
thel
pbutfeel
sorr
yforthem.

“
IWASACTUALLYGOI
NGTOCALLYOUSI
R,”

“
ISTHEREANI
SSUE?
”

“YES,
IDON’
TTHI
NKMONDAYWI LLWORKOUT
FORME.MYFAMILYNEEDSME.
..
”

“OKAY,
IUNDERSTAND.HMMM,TAKETHEWEEK
OFFBEWITHYOURFAMI LY,
”
“THANKYOU,MRNAI DOO,
”thankheavensmy
bossi
sunder
standi
ng.

“IGUESSWEWI LLHAVETOWORK
ELECTRONICALLY,
VIDEOCALLS,
CALLS,
EMAILS…ANYTHINGYOUFINDUPDATEME…IWILL
SENDYOURECORDI NGSOFINTERVIEWS.WECAN
DOTHI SKI
D…”ohhowIloveMrNaidoo.

“
IWI
LLDOTHAT,
LETMEGETSTARTED…”

“STARTLOOKI
NGINTOTHEDECEASEDAND
BRINGMEEVERYTHINGYOUHAVEONHER…”

Ihavet hewholeweektopr
etendtothinkabout
whet herIam movi
ngbackhomeornot .Isay
pretendbecauseIknowIwon’tevenconsi deri
t.I
willnotstopnowbecausemybr ot
herswantt o
‘
protectme’.
“
Mybossj
ustgavemet
heweekof
f,
”Isay.

“Si
si,
Idon’
tthi
nkyouunderst
andthi
s.Peopleare
aft
erus…youdon’
tunder
standtheki
ndofbusiness
wearein…it
’saj
ungl
eoutthere,
”Mzisays.

“
Whyar
epeopl
eaf
teryou?
”Iasked.

“Money!Weallwanttomakemoney.
Turfs…cont
act
s,cont
ract
s,younamei
t”Mzamo
says.

“OhmyGod!Myl if
eisnotaboutyouguys…st
op…”I
stoppedmysel fbefor
eIcouldsayanyt
hingImight
regretl
ateron.“Ihavethewholeweektofi
gurei
t
out…it’
sokay,”

Iam att
heri
veragainforal
i
ttl
epeaceandqui
et.I
am soconf
li
cted.Ihavenoi
deahowtoletmy
br
othersdowneasil
y…Idon’
twantt
obeher
e.I
l
it
eral
lyhavenot
hinghere.

“Whateveri
tisyou’
llf
igur
eitout
,”t
her
e’sthatal
ltoo
fami
li
arvoice.It
urnedaroundandbehel
dhi m.I
coul
df eelt
heragi
ngseai nmyheadcalmingdown.

“
Whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
eLi
khakha?
”Iasked.

“Samethingyoucametodo;thi
nk,
”hetookoffhis
shoesandsocks.“That
’sameancar,Il
oveit
,”yes,
I
droveher
e…Idohaveacarafteral
l.Hej
oinedmei n
thewater
.

“
Thankyou,
Mzamoboughti
tforme,
”Isay.

“
What
’seat
ingyouup?
”heasked.
“Theboyswantmetomoveback,canyoubeli
eve
howdelusi
onalt
heyar
e.Myli
feisbackinDurban,
I
havenothi
ngher
e…”Isayl
ooki
ngatthefarendof
theri
ver
.

“Rememberwhenwest arteddat ing?”Inodded.“I

wasj eal
ousofyourbr others.Ifeltli
keIwast he
brotherandyouwer edat i
ngt hem.Whenyousay
yourlif
eisnother e,
I’
m al i
ttl
econf usedbecause
thelastti
meIchecked, thoseguyswer eyourli
fe,
theywer etheverybeati
ngofyourhear t
.What
changed? ”Okaynowt hatheput sitthatway,Ifeela
l
itt
lebad.Hei stwist
ingmywor ds.

“Youareputti
ngitthewrongway.WhatImeani s
that
;Ihavealifeofmyownt hatIneedtoest
abli
sh.
Mycar eeri
sjuststar
ti
ngout…IhavealotIwantt
o
buil
d,”Idef
endedmyself.

“
AllI
’m sayi
ngi
s;Iunder
stand.Iknowhowitfeel
s
t
olosesomeoneyoulove.Imeanyoujustl
eftme…”
Hedi
dn’
tjustsayt
hat
.Il
ookedathi
m,

“
What
?No…Idi
dn’
tleaveyou.Ihadt
oleave…”

“
Youcoul
dhavest
ayed,
”hesai
d.

“
Youcoul
dhavef
oll
owedme,
”heal
sol
ookedatme.

“
HowwhenI ’m apr
ince?Ihaver
oyaldut
iesIcan’
t
j
ustescape,
”hedef
endedhimself
.

“WellIam notroyal
ty,butIdohaveapassi oninsi
de
myhear tanditisveryspecialtome.I fyouwerenot
will
ingtogiveupthet hr
onef ormet henwhyt he
hellwereyouexpectingmet ogi veupmyl ifef
or
you? ”NowI’m mad.Howdar ehemaket hi
sabout
him?
“Becausethat
’swhatpeoplewhol oveeachother
do…theysacri
fice.Icoul
dn’
ttakethethr
oneto
whereeveryouwer egoi
ngandt her
eareschools
hereNobuhle,youcouldhavedoneonl i
necourses
orwhatever”

“Iwasn’twi
ll
ingtogi
veupmydr eam t
ositont
he
thr
oneandl ookpret
tyjustl
ikeyouwerenotwi
ll
ing
togiveupthatst
upidthroneformesoIguesswe
don’tl
oveeach…Iguessweneverdi d”
,

“
Iguessso,
”hesayswi
thacal
m down

“Fuckthis!
”Iwalkedaway.Therewasnowayhe
wasgoi ngtoseemecr y.Never
!Igoti
ntot
hecar
anddroveaway.Ican’tbeli
evehethi
nksIl
efthi
m.
Self
ishlit
tl
eass…gosh!Ofcourse,
hehadtomake
thi
sabouthi m.

WhenIgothome,
Ist
ayedi
nthecarf
orabouthal
f
anhourtr
yingtocomposemyself.Thelastt
hingI
needist
hem aski
ngmewhat ’swrong.Iopenedthe
doorandfoundMonwabisionthefloorpl
ayi
ngwi t
h
hi
stoys.

“Whyareyoucryi
ng?”heaskedl
ooki
ngsosadand
concer
nedatthesametime.

“
I’
m notcr
yingsweet
ie,
I’
mjustr
eal
lyt
ir
ed.
”Isai
d
t
ryi
ngtoassurehi
m.

“Daddyyoursi
steriscr
ying,”heshout
edasher an
tomeethisfat
herintheli
vingroom.Iwentint
ot he
kit
chengetanythi
ngIcanchew.Mziwal kedinwi t
h
Mo.

“
Youokay?
”heaskedpul
li
ngmet
ohi
schest
.

“
She’
snotdaddy,
yoursi
steri
scr
ying,
”Mosays,
“GotodaddyMandlaboy,
letmetal
ktomysister
okay…”heobeyed.Webot
hwatchedhim wal
kout.

“I
’
m okay,
don’tworr
y.I
’m goi
ngtosleepnow…don’
t
wakemeupf orsupper
,”Isai
dwalki
ngawayfrom
hi
m.

“no,t
ellmewhat’
swrong,”hef
oll
owed.“Iwantto
help,
”Islammedthedoorbehi
ndmer estr
ict
inghi
m
from comingi
n.

“
Youcan’
thel
pmeMzi
,j
ustgoaway,
”

“Okay,
letmehugyouthen.Letmehel
pyou…ar
e
youonyourperi
ods?
”

“Ohmygosh,”Iopenedthedoor.Ideci
dedt
ogo
andseeLi
khakha,IhavealotIneedtosayt
ohi
m.I
j
ustexchangedthesandalsIhadonfortekki
es.
“
Mzi ,
stop.Idon’
tneedyou…I’
mf i
ne,
”Ipassedhim,
“
I’
llbeback,”

Idrovetother oyalhouse.Ijustneededt
osee
Likhakha…Ijustneedtotellhim afewthi
ngsbut
thisguardrefusestoletmeseehi m.

“
LikeIsai
dma’am,comebacktomor
row…t
heki
ng
i
sverybusyr
ightnow,
”hesays.

“Pl
ease,
justt
ellhi
m Nobuhl
eMqokel
iisout
side”I
begged.

“
Thefami
lyi
sst
il
lhavi
ngsupper
;you’
l
lhavet
o
wai
t.
..
”

“
Fine,
aslongasIseehi
m,”Iwentbackint
ot hecar
t
owaitfort
heroyalf
ami
lytofi
nisheat
ingtheir
r
oyalsupper
.

At22:23,
theguar
dcametoadvisemet ocome
backtomorr
ow,hedi
dn’
teventellLi
khakhaIwas
here.

“
Iam notl
eavi
ngunt
ilIspeakt
oLi
khakha,
”Isai
d.

“Youmeant heking,
”hecor r
ectedme.Igavehi ma
nastyl
ook,hethentip-t
oedbackt ohispost.He
openedthegateandwenti t.Ihopeheisgoi ngto
tel
l‘
theking’I
’
m here.Afterafewmi nuteshecame
outwit
h2ext raguards.Theyhadt hei
rgunout .

“Ma’am st
epoutoft
hecar,
”Iobeyed,
“handsup…”
heturnedmearoundandpinnedmeagainstt
hecar.

“Whatar
eyoudoing?Iam her
eforLi
khakha,
he
knowsme..
.”t
heyhavetor
chesli
ghti
ngmy
dir
ection.Hepi
nnedmyheaddownandst
art
ed
searchingme.“
Stop!Letmego…”

“Whosentyou?Theki
ngisnotexpect
inganyone,
”
heshout
edinmyear.The2otherguardshavethei
r
gunspoi
ntedatme.

“
Youar
ehur
ti
ngmyhead,
letmego…”Icr
ied.

“
Whyar eyouherel
ateatni
ght
?Whatdoyouwant
f
rom t
heking?”

“
Who’
sthat
?”t
hat
’sLi
khakha’
svoi
ce.

“
It
’smeNobuhl
e,
”Isai
d.“
Iwantt
otal
ktoyou…”

“
Bloodyhel
l!Lethergo…”hecamet
omyai
d.
“
Myapol
ogi
esmyki
ng,
”hesayst
aki
ngast
epback.

“Howlonghaveyoubeenher
e?Geez,
noneofyou
bother
edtocal
lme…”

“
Justal
it
tl
eoveranhour
,”

Heopenedt
hecar
,“Let
’st
alki
nsi
de,
”

ButIshuti
t,“
I’
m notstayi
ng,Ijustwantt
osay
somethi
ngandt hengo…”Isaid.

“Giveussomespace, ”hesaidtotheguardsand
theyimmedi at
elywentinsi
de.Het ookof
fhisbl
azer
andhungi tonmyshoul ders.God;hesmell
sgood.
“Whatisit
? ”

“
Idi
dn’
tleaveyou.Wel
efteachot
her
.Inf
act
;wedi
d
whatwasbest ,
sost opmakingmefeelbad
becauseIdidn’
tleaveyou.Iwoul
dneverdothat
and…”,ohheavenshe’skissi
ngme…

“Youaresobeauti
ful,
”hesaidandki
ssedmeagai
n.
Istoppedhimt
histime,Ipushedhi
m away
forcef
ull
y.

“Whatareyoudoing?Likhakha,you’llj
ustf
allin
l
ovewi thmeagainandt henIwon’ tbeable
stay…aft
erthatwe’
l
lbothgethur t
,”Isaidtr
yingto
holdmyselfbackfr
om crying.Ist
illl
ovehim, Inever
stopped.Hecamecloserandcuppedmyf aceinhi s
hands.

“Whatareyoutal
kingabout ?Whatdoyoumean
again?Nobuhl
e,Ineverstoppedlovi
ngyou…Inever
wil
l.Ther
e’snoagainhere,”hesays.Ipushedhi
m
awayslowly.
“
That
’sallIwantedt
osay;l
etmegonow,
”Iwi
ped
myeyes.Ihandedhi
m bl
azer.

“
Keepthat
,youneedi
t,i
t’
scol
d…”hesays.Iopened
t
hedri
ver’
sdoor
.

“
Buhl
e,
”Il
ookedathi
m.

“Doyoust il
lloveme? ”heasked.Igoti
ntot hecar
andclosedt hedoor .Istar
tedthecarandr eversed.
Hemadehi swayback.Don’ tdothisBuhle.Don’tdo
thi
stohim.Hedeser vestoknowhowyouf eel
.I
hootedjustbef orethegatecouldswallowhi m up.I
gotoutthecarandwentbackt ohim.Ikissedhi m,I
madesur ethathef el
tmyl oveforhim.Ikissedhim
sohardt hatIfeltli
keIwasgoi ngtofaint
.Hepi cked
measweki ssed.

“Ineverst
opped,
”Isai
d.“Andbyt
hel
ookoft
hingsI
neverwill
,
”Iki
ssedhim agai
n.
“
Iloveyou,
Buhl
eandIam sosor
ry,
”

“
I’
m sorr
ytoo.Iloveyou,
wit
hallofmyheart
.Even
t
hebrokenpartsandthemessyli
tt
lepi
eces”

“
Thosepar
tsar
emyfavor
it
e,”hesai
dandsweptme
i
nhisar
msagain.

“
Youst
il
lsmel
lni
ce,
”Isai
dandhegi
ggl
ed.

“
God,
Iloveyou,
”hesays.

[
01/
05,
13:
54] : ENTRY66

LOVEDOESNOTBEGI
NANDENDTHEWAYWE
SEEM TOTHI
NKI
TDOES.LOVEI
SABATTLE,
LOVE
I
SAWARANDLOVEI
SAGROWI
NGUP.
-
JamesA.Bal
dwi
n

I
tseemsIfellasl
eepont
hecouchandaccor
dingt
o
myphone;thetimenowi
s9a.m.

“Good,you’
reup.We’vebeeni
nvi t
edtotheroyal
houseforthei
naugurati
onofLikhakhaNkosi
LawrenceDali
ndyebo,”Mandl
ar eadoutloud.

“Goodmorni
ngt
oyoutooMandl a”Igr
eeted.“
I’
m
notgoi
ng,
Idon’
thaveanycl
otheshere…”Isay.

“
Yourboyf
ri
endsaid;your
sist
ojustbat
handbe
t
her
e,hesaysever
ythingi
ssor
ted”Mandlasays.

“Whatt
hehelli
sthatsupposedt
omean?
”my
phoner
ings,
“
BUHLE,
”hesays.

“
NKOSIYESI
ZWE,
”

“
DIDYOURECEI
VEI
T?”heasks.

“
YES,
BUT…”

“
ITOLDYOURBROTHERSEVERYTHI
NG.
”

“
LIKHAKHA…”

“I
TWOULDMEANEVERYTHI NGIFYOUCAME,
BYE,
ILOVEYOU,
”heendedt
hecall
.
Mziwalkedincarr
yingabowlofcer
eal
.It
’scrazy
howhel ovescer
eal.Whent
hewivesbuycerealf
or
Mo;theyincl
udehim.
Mondaycameandpassed, Ihadal otofanxiety
aboutt odayandt hisinauguration.Idon’tknowwhy.
Iguessbecauseatsomepoi ntLi khakhawillhaveto
getmar ri
edandt hechancesoft hebr i
debei ng
yourstr ulyarezer otonone.Li khakhapr ovidedme
withadr ivert
of etchmef rom homet ohi shouse.I
wasaskedbyoneoft hehelper stogoi ntohisroom.
I’
vebeenwai t
ingf orhim si
nceIar ri
vedaboutan
hourago.Ihavenoi deawhati shappeni ng.Ileftmy
brothersandt heirwivesbackathomeget t
ingready.
There’sj ustalotofconf usiongoi ngonatmyend.
Finall
yhei shere!Hecamei nwi t
hapl ateofchips
anddr aggedmet ohi scl
oset .I
t’sstil
lbigandver y
cosy.

“WhyarewehereLi
khakha?
”Iasked.“
AndIam st
il
l
notdr
essed,
Idon’
thaveanoutf
itasyetr
emember,
”
Isai
d.

“
Canyoustopworryi
ngf
orj
ustonesecondand
t
rustme,
”hesays.

“
Ihaven’tseenyoui
nal
most6year
s,howcanI
t
rustyou?”Isai
dashel
ockedt
hedoor.

“
West i
llhavet
imebef
oret
hecer
emonyst
art
s,
r
elax!
”

Itookadeepbreathi
nandthenout
.“Fi
ne,Iwi
ll
tr
ustyou,
”hesmi l
ed.“
So…aret
heymakingyouking
permanent
ly?
”Iasked.

“
Yes,
”hesays.

“
Iam sohappyf
oryou.Youl
ovet
hatt
hroneandI
knowyou’
l
lmakeagr
eatki
ng,
”

“
Buhl
e,
”hecal
lsme.

“
Yes,
”

“
MayIki
ssyou?
”heasked.

“Yesplease…I’
dlovef oryoutokissme,”andindeed
hekissedme.If eelli
keI’mfl
ying.Hestopped,“hold
on,j
ustsecond”Iki ssedhim again.Webothgiggled
whil
ewewer ekissi
ng.

“Takeyourti
me,”hesaysi
nthemi ddl
eofthi
svery
passionat
ekissweareshar
ing.Thedooropened.

“
Baby,
whatareyourhandsdoi
ngdownt
her
e?”
Mzamosays.
“
Okayki
ds,
cuti
tout
,”Mzisai
d.

“AwuBaby!Yougeti
tboy,
”Mandl
aal
sot
hrewi
na
comment.Theyl
ookamazing…

“Woaw!
”Iexcl
aimed.“
Youguysl
ookamazi
ng,
”I
sai
d.

“
Buhl
e,
”Li
khakhat
ookmyhands.

“Guys,what’
shappeni
ng?Youar
eact
ingabi
toutof
charact
er”

“Li
sten,Iknowthatyoudon’thaveanout f
itf
or
todaysoIt ookcareofi
t…Ihavesomeoneher et
hat
willhel
pyouwi thhai
randmake- up.Idon’
twant
yout ostr
essormakeexcusest oavoidbeing
here…”Likhakhasays.
“Youhaveanoutfi
tforme?”Iasked.ShouldItr
ust
him wi
thclot
hes?Wellhedidbuymeanent i
reout
fi
t
onthedayofmyf ather
’sburi
alanditl
ooked
amazing,

“Yes,al
lyouneedt odoisdressupandshowup, ”
heopenedt hewardrobeandcameoutwi thadress
madeoutr edandbl ackXhosamateri
al.My
brother
s’suit
sarealsoredandblack,j
ustwi
th
whiteshir
tsthough.

“Thislooksamazing,
”Icoul
dn’
tgetmyeyesof
fthe
dress.Itl
ookspromisi
ng.

“We’ l
lgiveyousomespacet oputthaton, ”sai dMzi
.
Theyal lexi
tedleavi
ngmeal one.Iturnedar ound
andsawmysel finthemi rr
or.Thisdresswi l
llook
perfectonme.Iqui ckl
ytookof fmycl ot hesand
threwt hedresson.Ohmywor d…Ilooksobeaut i
ful
.
Likeat ruequeen.Iwalkedoutoft hecl oset
disturbingthel
itt
lemeetingtheywer ehavi ng.
“HowdoIl ook? ”Iasked.Theyareallstar
ingatme,
Likhakha’smout hisopenaf l
ycouldf l
ydownhis
throat.Theirsil
encemademepani c.Maybeit
doesn’ tl
ookt hatgoodonme.“ Okay,Il
ookhorri
ble;
I’
lltakeitoff,
”

“
Whatar
eyoukiddi
ngme?Youl
ookl
ikeadr
eam”
Mzamosays.
“
Real
ly?
”Isai
d.

“
Idon’tevenhavewordstodescri
behowyoulook.I
j
ustwishwecoul dswi
tchbodiessoyou’
l
lseewhat
I
’
ml ookingat
,”saidMzi
,

“I’
m sosor r
yf ort
hisboys,”Likhakhasaidchar
ging
towardsme.Heki ssedmer ightinfrontofmy
brothers.Tr
ustmybr ot
herstomakeasceneand
j
ustcr eatedramat heystart
edwhi st
lingandmaking
noise.
“
That’showi
t’
sdoneBaby!
”Mandl
ashout
ed.He
f
inal
lycametoastop,

“
Gang,
pleasegi
veusami
nut
e,”hesays.

“Don’
tgetheroutoft
hatBaby,
wedon’
thave
enoughti
me,”saidMandl
a.

“Mandla,
behave!
”Isaid.Theyshutt
hedoor
.He
plant
edakissonmyf orehead.

“
Your
eal
lydol
ikeadr
eam,
”hesays.

“
Thankyou,
Ilovet
hisdr
ess.Ir
eal
lydo…”

“
List
enBuhle,
”hesai
d.“Ihaveneverl
ovedawoman
t
hewayIloveyou…wellt
hatexcl
udesmymom.But
Il
oveyoubothequal
lybecauseyoujustr
emindme
ofheri
t’
sscar
y,”Igi
ggl
ed.Helookssonervous.

“Baby,”Iki
ssedhim.“Breathe,whyar
eyouallover
theplace?I’
m here.Ever
ythingwil
lgoaccor
dingto
plantoday…justr
elax,
”

“
Hol
don,
letmespeak,
”hesays.

“
Okay,
goon”

“Todayt heyof f
ici
allyandpermanentlyputti
ngme
ont hehotseatandIj ustwantyoutoknowi fyou
wer etobeseat ednextt omeI’dbesohappy…butI
understandt hatyouar ever
yambi ti
ousandI
understandt hatandbecauseIl oveIwillnotstand
i
nt hewayofyourf utur
ewiththeZuluhunk” ,
he
paused, “Butifyoucan’tbemyqueent henplease
beher eandcel ebratewithmeast heymakeme
king,”
Istoodonmytoesandsmoochedhim.Hehel
don
ti
ghtandwebaskedint
heglor
yofthemoment.

“I’
m herewithyou,everyf
ibr
eofmybeingishere
withyou.Iam sopr oudofyou,
”myheelstouched
theflooragai
n.“Ij
usthaveonequest
ion?”he
nodded.“Wheredidyougett hi
sdr
ess?”

“Oh!Imadei
t,
”hesaysl
oosel
y.Whatt
hehel
ldoes
hemeanhemadei t
?

“
Whatdoyoumeanyoumadei
t?”Iaskedpuzzl
ed.

“
Iboughtt
hemater
ialandthenIusedasowi
ng
machi
neandsowedit…”hesays.

“
Ididn’
tknowyoucandothat
…Ican’
tevenpat
cha
t
ornjeanandyetyoucanmakeanent
iredr
essfr
om
scr
atch…whatt
heact
ualhel
lLi
khakha?
”

“EverymomentIhadwit
hyouIusedasan
opportuni
tyt
omeasureyou.Li
kewhenwehugged
orkissed…”

“
Whatdi
dyouuset
omeasur
e?”

“Justmyarms,”Iam shocked.“
Andthenightatt
he
hotelwassuperhel
pful.Isawever
ycurveandinch
ofyourhal
lowedground,”

“Youaresomet hi
ngelse…”Isai
d.I
’
mj usthol
ding
myselfbackfrom cr
ying.Thi
sguyhasmyhear t.He
haseveryinchofmyexi st
ence.

“That’
stheot
hercourseIdi
dinvar
sit
y.Fashi
on
designi
ng,
”NowIr ememberwhenIwasawor ker
hereandwewer evibi
ng.Hepr
omisedtotel
lmethe
ot
hercour
sehedi
dinuni
ver
sit
y;f
ashi
ondesi
gni
ng.

“
Youareful
lofwonder
,”wegoti
ncl
oserandki
ssed.
“
We’vebeenki
ssi
ngalothey,
”

“Justmaki ngupf orl

ostti
me,”hesai
dandwe
l
aughed.“ Letmegetsomeonei nher
etoenhance
yourbeaut y.Myeyeswi l
lbeonyoutheenti
reti
me
i
nt her
e,”heki ssedmyforeheadandexi
ted.

Ther ehei slookinghandsome.Peopl est oodashe

walkedi n,thereisamanwal kingbeforehim
praisinghim andcal l
ingoutallhisclannames.
Womenar eul ul
atingandever ythingisj
ustso
beaut if
ul.Hei sfi
nallyseatedont hethr
one.He
l
ookssohappy;hi sfatherdr
essedhi m wi t
hthe
royalbeadsandcover edhi
m wi ththeli
onskin.
Wowhonest lythisisbeautif
ul.It’
stimeforhim
deli
verhi sspeech.
“
Igr
eetyoual
l,
”hesays.

“Dal
indyebo,
”thecongr
egati
onsang.Hei sst
il
labit
shakenItell
.Iwi
shIcouldholdhishandandjust
assurehimthatheisdoi
nggreat.Helookedatme
andsmi l
ed.

“Thankyouf orbeingher e.Iknowchangi ngleader s

cancauseal otofuncer tainti
esanddoubt s;
especi al
lyi
fthepr eviousl eaderhasbeenont he
seatf orawhi le.Myf ather-t hegr eatestkingthi s
kingdom haseverhad–hast aughtmeever ything
aboutt hi
sthr one.Hesatmeont hatt hronebef ore
youevensatmet here…”t hecr owdmumbl ed
agr eei
ngwithhi m.“Amongstmanyt hingsmyf ather
taughtmet obeamanofmywor d.Hesai dwhen
youar eont hatseatyouwi llgetpul l
edi nall
directi
onbutt hemosti mpor t
antt hingi stostand
fir
m andnotst agger,”

“
Power
ful
,
”someonei
nthecr
owdsai
d.
“Ndiyakhumbul andingekayigi
nyiyonkel ent
o
yobukhosi ,
ndiseyinkwenkwenj e”(Iremember
backwhenIhadnotyetf athomedt hi
swhol er oyal
ty
thi
ng, whenIwasmer elyaboy)hel ooksand
soundsconf identnow.“Iwasr espectedandl oved
byeachandever yoneofyou.Andt hesamel ove
andr espectIrecei
vedwhenIwasr unningaround
hereasaboyi sthesamel oveyouwi l
lrecei
vewhen
youwal kintothisyardseekingforhelpinoneway
ortheot her,
”thecongregationcl
apped.

“ Today, wehavewi t
husaver yspeci alfamily.Ifeel
honour edt
ohavet hem herewit
hus.Notonl yare
theygoodf r
iendsofmi nebutal
sof ami l
y.Mqoke
br othersandsist
erpleasekindl
yst and,”hesai d.
Whatonear th.West ood,t
hecongr egationclapped,
camer ascli
ckedourdirect
ionandhi sfat her
’sface
tur nedsour.Wewavedatt hem justtoacknowl edge
thei rr
oundofapplauseandul ul
ation.
Wesatbackdown.Gosht
hiswassouncal
ledf
or
andsounnecessar y.“Andazinobani yibonil
e
l
ant yatyambokulamadodamat hathu?”(Idon’t
knowi fyounot i
cedt hef l
oweramongstt hosethree
men, )hesaysashesmi l
ed.IsqueezedMandl a’s
handsi ncehewasseat ednextt ome.“ Nobuhle,
pleasej oi
nmeher ef orami nutesletthem havea
properl ookatyou,
”Ican’ tgoupt here,whatishe
doing?Myhear tj
ustst artedbeatingoutofcont rol.I
tr
iedt osignalhimtost opbutMandl at ookmyhand
andescor t
edmet othef r
ont .

ThereIwasst andingnextt otheking.Ilookedback

athisfamil
yandt hefi
rstfaceIsawwashi sf ather
’s.
Ithel
dnot raceofj oyoranythingposit
ive.Iwaved
atthecrowdwi thasmi leIhadt odigdeept of i
nd.I
am nervousashel l.I
nmyat t
emptt ogobackt omy
sitheheldmyhand.Thecamer asarestil
lcl
icking
andthereisindisti
nctchattercomingf r
om the
congregati
on.“Mypeopl eIhavesomet hingtosay,
andIwantyoual ltohearit,
”
“
What
’shappeni
ng?
”Iwhi
sper
ed.

“St
andingnexttomeistheloveofmylif
e,”hesai
d
andthecrowdexclai
med.“AndIloveher,
”he
l
ookedatme, “Il
oveyou,
”

“Li
khakha,
youknowIloveyoutoobutcanwenot
dothisher
e…”Isai
dundermybr eat
h.Ther
epor
ter
s
gotcl
oserwit
hthei
rcameras.

“
Mar
ryme,
”hesai
dkneel
ingonknee.

“Thi
xo!!
!”(
MyGod)someoneint
hecr
owdcr
ied.The
congregat
ionbecamer
oudy.

“
Iwantthi
sladytomarryme?Iwanthertobemy
wif
e….
yourqueen”hesaidwi
thamuchl oudert
one.
“Never!Stopthatnonsense”hi
sfat
hershouted
descendingfrom wherehewassitt
ing.Thecrowd
wasoutofcont rol
,cameraswererighti
nmyf ace.
Therewasj ustalotofchaosandthingswere
gett
ingoutofhand.

“Ungumbul
ali
wena,
”(Youar
eaki
ll
er!
)Ihear
d
someonesay.

“Nobuhl
e,aft
erwhathappenedt
oyousixyear
sago,
doyouthinkyouarefi
ttobeaqueen?
”onerepor
ter
asked.

“Doyouknowt
hatmar
ryi
ngacommonerisnot
all
owedi
fyouar
efr
om aroyalf
ami
ly?
”oneasks.

“Nobuhl
eMqokeli,youarebeinglabel
ledakill
er.
Whatdoyouhavet osayf oryour
self,
”Ican’
t
breat
he.Thisi
stoomuch.Igr abbedLikhakha’
sarm.
Hewast ryi
ngtogetpeopleoutofourway.
“
Getmeoutofher
e,”Isai
dinhi
sear
.

“
Mzi ,
getusoutofhere,”heshouted.Thenagun
wentoff
,ever
ybodyimmedi at
elyfellt
otheground.
Mzamo’sgunisupint heair
,Iguessthetri
ck
worked.

“Fol
lowme,”Mziledtheway.Likhakhafol
lowedhe
washoldi
ngmyhandver yti
ghttherewasnoway
wecouldgetseparat
ed.Mzamowasbehi ndme.We
goti
ntoMzi’
scaranddr oveawayasf astashe
coul
dleavi
ngjournal
ist
sbehind.

“
Mandla,
youbet
terbr
ingmemywi
feandchi
ld,
”
t
hat
’sMziont
hephone.

“Gotomyhouse,
nooneknowst
hatpl
ace,
”Mzamo
sai
d.
[
01/
05,
13:
54] : ENTRY67

FAI
THISTAKI
NGTHEFI
RSTSTEPEVENWHEN
YOUDON’
TSEETHEWHOLESTAI
RCASE
-
Mar
ti
nLut
herKi
ng,
Jr.

Whathashedone?That ’
sall Icouldthi
nkaboutas
wedr ovetoMzamo’ shouse.Whywoul dhedot hat
?
Wehaven’ tseeneachot herinyear sandthenhe
decidestoproposeathi si naugur ati
onceremony.
Thatdoesn’tmakesense.Whatshocksmet he
mosti st
hef actthatpeopl estil
lthinkI’
m akil
ler.
Whataboutt hefactt hather apedmeandhewas
tr
yingtodoi tagain.Allthememor i
escame
fl
oodingin…everything.Thedayt heycamet ot ake
mef rom myhouse, howscar edIwas.Theni ght
he…
“
Stopt
hecar
,”Isai
d.

“
What
?”Mzisays.

“
Mzi
,st
opt
hecarnow…”Isai
daggr
essi
vel
y.

“Pul
lover…”Likhakhasays.Ij
umpedoutoft hecar
andimmedi atel
ystar
tedvomiti
ng.Ireal
lydon’
tfeel
good.Likhakhaisnextt
omer ubbingmyback.
Mandlapul l
edoverwhenhesawusandj umpedout.
Khanyacamewi thabott
leofwater.Thi
si sMo’
s
bott
le.

“
What
’swr
ong?
”Mandl
aasked.

“
Idon’
tfeelsogood,
”Isai
d.

“
Havesomewat
er,
”hesai
dopeni
ngt
hebot
tl
eof
water.Ir
insedmymouthwiththefi
rstgul
pand
thendrankafter
.Wewentbackint
othecarand
conti
nuedwi t
hthej
our
neytoMzamo’ shouse.

“
Hewast
ryi
ngt
ohur
tmeagai
n…”Isai
d.

“
Buhl
e”Mzamocall
s,“
Don’
tdot
hatnow.Thi
sisnot
t
heti
me,
”hesays.

Thedr ivehomef eltlongandheavy.Butevent ual

ly
wear r i
ved.Iam justf aili
ngt ounder standwhatwas
expect edofmewhent hatdogt riedt orapeme-
again.WasImeantt olaydownandpl aydeadand
thenl ethim getawaywi t
hitaf t
erandj ustbe
anotherbr okenrapevi cti
m.That ’snotme…. Isaid6
yearsagoandIam st i
llstandingbyi t,i
fanyone
tri
est ohur tmeIwi l
lfightbackandIwi lldo
what everIcant ogetoutal ive.Ican’ tbeavi ctim.I
don’tt hinkanyoneher eisawar et hatIhel pedal ot
ofpeopl ewithwhatIdi d.Iwasmor eaccept edin
KZNt hanIam i nmyownhome.
“Idon’ thaveanycl ot
hesher e;Ineedyourshirt
,”I
saidt oLi khakhaasIemer gedf rom t
hebathroom
wear ingmyunder wearandbr a.Hei mmediatel
y
tookof fhisshirtandwasl eftwi thawhit
evest.He
stil
llooksgood.It hrewtheshi rtonandsatonmy
sideoft hebed.Ever yonehasar oom atever
yone’s
house;i ncl
udingMandl a’s–yes–Mandl ahasa
housenowt oo.That’swhytheyboughtmet he
apartmenti n
Amanzi
mtot
i.Mostoft
het
imewear
eal
lathome
t
hati
sMzi’
shouse.

“
Youhaven’
tsai
dawor
daboutt
oday,
”hesays.

“I
twasabeauti
fulcer
emony,
Iam happyf
oryou,
”I
sai
dnonchal
antl
y.

“
YouknowwhatI
’
mtal
kingabout
,”
“
Ihavenot
hingt
osayaboutt
hatnow,
”

“Ipr
oposedtoyoui
nfrontofever
ybody…myfamil
y,
ever
yone”hesayst
hatli
keIshouldbeproudofhi
m.

“
IknowLi
khakha,
Iwast
her
e…”

“
Fuckt
his,
”hest
ormedout
.

Whatthehellwashet hi
nki
ngproposi
ngt omein
fr
ontoftheenti
rekingdom andr
eporter
s;What?Did
hethi
nkwoul dhappenwithhisf
amilyaround?That
ever
ythi
ngwoul dj
ustbenor mal
?Thathisfamil
y
wil
lsuddenl
yacceptme?
Thewholef
amilywasinthedi
ningr
oom eat
ing,
I
thi
nkIwasthetopi
cbecausewhenIwal
kedin
sil
encet
ookover.

“
Ithi
nkIneedt
ogobackhomet
omor
row,
”Isai
da
taki
ngseatnextt
oLikhakha.I
twasobvi
ousl
y
designat
edforme.

“It
hinki
t’
sbett
eri
fwe’
real
lheref
ornow;especi
all
y
the2ofyou.Wewil
lgoandfet
chyourt
hings…”Mzi
says.

“
Bhut
i,Imeanbackt
oDur
ban,
”Isai
d.

“
Youcan’
tseri
ous,
”sai
dLi
khakhasl
owl
ylayi
nghi
s
f
olkont
heplat
e.

“Ihaveto.Noonej udgesmet here.Inmyf ir

styear
ofstudiespeopl
ewer estar
ingandpoi nti
ng
becauset heywenttoschoolwiththebravegi r
lthat
foughttosaveherself
.Iwasn’takill
erthere,Iwasa
hero…andyoudon’ twanttobemar r
iedtoa
mur der
er,
”
“Canyoul eavethattomet odecide!
”hesays
ster
nl y.“
IknowwhatIwantandwhatIdeser veand
from mypoi ntofviewIam looki
ngateverythingI
want .Iwil
lnotletmyfamily,t
heancestorsor
anythingtakethatawayfrom meagai n.Noteven
you,youhearme? ”

“
Butwhatwer
eyout
hinki
ngLi
khakhapr
oposi
ngt
o
metoday,
”

“Iwasthinki
ngther
e’sthel
oveofmyli
fe,l
etme
makehermywi f
ebecauseIdon’
twanttolive
another5yearswit
houther!
”heshout
ed.“Excuse
mef orbeli
evi
nginus,”

“Thi
sisnott
het
imet obefi
ght
ingoneanot
her,you
can’
taff
ordt
hat
,justf
indawayforwar
dtoget
her”
Mzisays.

“
Bhut
i,t
her
eisnowayf
orwar
d,”Isay.
“Wecanfi
ghtt
hem t
oget
hermyl
ovepl
ease…”
Li
khakhaj
umpedin.

“Don’tcallmet hat!
”Isaidaggressively“pl
ease…I ’
m
sorr
y.Excuseme…”Ichar gedformyr oom.Ican’ t
dealwitht hi
s.Doeshehaveanyhowbadt hiscould
getifwef ightthem…Idonotwantt of i
ghtanyoneor
anylawort radi
ti
onorbel i
efordoct r
ine.Ijustwant
tobeNobuhl e,wit
houttheotherlabelsandbewi t
h
themanIl ovewi t
houthavingtofightort r
yt o
convincesomeel derst
hatIam wor t
hyt obel oved
byacer tainman.

Li
khakhast
ormedin.Hebangedt
hedoorbehi
nd
hi
m;“Thisi
snotf
air,
”hesays.

“Tomorrowmor
ningyouguysneedtotakemeback
homesoIcanpackandleave.Ihavealotofwor
k
thatneedst
obedone!
”
“
Ijustpr
oposedt
oyou,
”hesays.

“Li
khakha,Idon’tt
hinkyouseethi
s,yourfamil
yand
thenewspeopl eandnewspaperpeopleare
overl
ooki
ngt hebiggerpi
ctur
ewhichistheproposal
andarefocusingonmypast …thi
swillr
uinyour
reput
ati
onand. .
”

“AndIdon’ tthi
nkyouseethis,
Idonotcar eabout
them IjustloveyouNobuhleandI…”,hesighs,“
I
j
ustwantyouqha” ,hi
svoicestar
tedtrembli
ngand
thelastthi
ngIwanti stoseehim cr
ysoIembr aced
him.Thef ir
sttimeIdidIwasn’
tthesameaf ter
.

“
Pleasedon’
tcr
y,”Isai
dal
sot
ryi
ngt
okeepmy
t
earsatbay.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
Idi
dn’
tmeant
o…”
It’
sSundayi nt hemor ning, yesIdidn’ tgobackt o
Dur ban, mybr othersbeggedmet odr i
vedown
today.Ther ehasbeenal lsor t
sofnewsaboutme
andLi khakha, apparentl
yIam onl ywi thhimf or
powerandmoney.Wel lthat ’
sthei deaLi khakha’s
fatherhasbeengi vi
ngt hemedi aandt hey’vebeen
runni ngwi t
hi talr
ight.Likhakhai st heonl ymanI
haveeverl oved;thatexcl udesmybr others, butmy
pastandwhoIam asaper sonclasheswi thhi s
fami ly.Icanhearl aughterandspoonshi tti
ng
agai nstplates.Andt omet hatisthebestsound
ever …Iwoul dnevert radei tforanyt hi
ngi nt heworld.

Ihavebeenignori
ngmyboss’ call
sandemai l
s.OkI
havebeenignori
ngmyphoneent irel
y.Everyone
thatknowsmei nKZNkeepst ell
ingmet oswitchon
theTVbecauseI ’
m onthenews.Iam notaboutt hat
l
ife.Idonotcar
eaboutwhatt hemedi ai ssayi
ng
aboutme.Idecidedtojoi
nthem f orbreakfast
.I
tookmyseatnextt oLi
khakha.
“
Hel
lodaddy’
ssi
ster
,”Mosays.

“Heybaby,”Isai
d.It
urnedLikhakha’
sfacetowar
ds
meandki ssedhim.“
Yout ast
elikebaconandeggs,
”
Isai
d.

“
Doyouguysneedsomespace,
”Khanyaasked.

'
idon'tl
ikei
twhenwefight,
"isai
drubbingmynose
agai
nsthis.Heki
ssedme.“Doyoustil
lhavet
he
ri
ng?”Iaskedundermybreath.

“
Ther
ing?
”hewhi
sper
ed.

“
Yeah,
Iwantt
oseei
fitf
it
s,”Isai
d.

“
Andi
fItf
it
s?”
“ThenIguessIhavet
oweari
tfor
ever
…”Isai
dand
kissedhi
m agai
n.

“Di
dshej
ustsayyestoyourpr
oposal
?”t
her
egoes
Pal
esawi
thhercryi
ng.

“
You’
l
lmarr
yme?Youar eser
ious?You’
l
lsi
tnextt
o
meonthet
hrone…ever
ythi
ng”

“Ever
ythi
ng,”hekissedme.Myphonerings,
it’
sMr
Naidoo.Ican’
tignorehi
m anymor
e,i
tlooksli
keI’
ve
mademydeci si
on.

“GOODMORNI
NGSI
R,”Iwentandst
oodbyt
he
door
.
“WHATAM ISEEI
NGONTHENEWS?I
STHI
S
TRUE?
”

“
ALOTI
SHAPPENI
NGSI
R,”

“JUSTCOMEHOME,GETBACKTOWORK,
JUST
GETOUTOFTHERE…”

“
ACTUALLYSI
R,ICAN’
T”

“DARLI
NG,YOUHADTHEWHOLEWEEKOFF.
KARENISGOINGONMATERNITYLEAVEON
WEDNESDAY,INEEDYOUHERE”

“WHATIMEANISTHATICANNOLONGERWORK
FORYOUBECAUSEIAM STAYI
NGHERE,
”

“
THI
SISYOURFUTURE,
YOUCAN’
TGI
VEI
TUP
FORAMANDARLI NG,”Il
ookedatLikhakha.Hei
s
st
il
lcel
ebr
ati
ngwi
ththefamil
y.Helookssohappy.

“
INEEDTODOTHI
S,”

“WELL,
IFYOUFEELYOUNEEDTOBETHERE
THENWHOAM ITOSTOPYOU,IWISHYOUALL
THEBEST.IFYOUAREEVERBACKINDURBAN
THENYOUCOMETOMEOKAY, ”

“
IWI
LLHOLDYOUTOTHAT,
”

ThereIwasquitt
ingmyjob;Ihavenoi deawhatthe
futur
eholdsbutIguessIam wil
li
ngt ofi
ndout.
WhenIt ur
nedaroundIfoundLikhakhaononeknee
blushi
nglikeaboyinhi
ghschool.

“
Forr
ealt
hist
ime,
”hesays.Icanf
inal
lyseet
his
r
ing.It
hinki
t’
ssameonehepr
oposedwi
thwhenI
was19.

“Forr
ealthi
st i
me,”hetookmyhandputt hatst
one
i
nbaby.Ipulledhimt ohi
sf eetandkissedhim.My
famil
ywasjustr ej
oici
ngtakingpict
uresandvideos
ontheside.

“
Final
ly”Li
khakhasaysspi
nni
ngmear
ound.

Youknowt hatpar tofyout hatwantstodo

everythingbyt hebookandbeaposi t
ivehuman
being,thatconsi deratepar tt
hatputsotherpeople
fi
rst,Ifeltthatpartofmedi e,t
hatgir
ldoesn’texist
anymor e.InfactifIam honestwi thmyself;thatgir
l
diedthedayRhadebel ai
dhi shandsonme.Iwas
readyt of i
ghttobewi t
ht hismanandIdi dn’tcare
whati ttook.Mywhol el i
feIhaveputt heneedsof
otherpeopl ef
irstnowi t’
smyt i
me.Thegoodgi r
lis
goneandt hefactthatmybr other
sare100%behi nd
memakesmemor econvi ncedIam doingther i
ght
thi
ng.Manymi ghtsayIjustwanttositonthe
throneandhavepower ;whereasIam j
ustfight
ing
forlove.IfoundLikhakhaapr i
ncenowhehasbeen
ordainedaki ngandhisqueenIshallbe.Asscar y
ast hatmightsound,Iam readyforwhatevercomes
myway.

Thef oll
owingday, Mzamodr oveLi khakhaandIt o
thepal ace.Hewant edtoaccordhi sfamilythe
respectoft el
li
ngt hem himselfthatwer eallyare
get t
ingmar ri
ed.Mandl apostedt hevideohet ookof
Likhakhapr oposingt omeandt hatst art
edanot her
cont roversybiggert hanthetwoofus.It hinktelli
ng
hispar entsour selveswi l
lputalotofpeopl e’s
mi ndsatease.Unf ort
unatel
y,Iwasnotal l
owed
i
nsi de.Likhakhawasmadaboutt hatbutMzamo
andImanagedt ocal m hi
m downandheevent uall
y
wenti nbyhi mself.Iam start
ingt opanicthough;he
hasbeent hereforwayt oolong.

“
Whatcoul
dbet
aki
ngsol
ong?
”Iaskedchewi
ngon
mynai
ls.
“
Cal
m down,
”hesays.

“
I’
mtr
yingMzamo,
”

“
Youlovehim hey?
”hesaysthatmor
ethatmor
e
l
ikeast
atementthanaquest
ion.

“
Ithi
nkwef
igur
ethatout6year
sago…”

Li
khakhaf
inal
lycameoutstormi
ng.Iam happyhe
i
soutbuthedoesn’
tseem happyatal
l.Iwentoutt
o
meetme.

“Thesepeopl
eareimpossibl
e!Shi
t…andasf
ormy
dad,Ihat
ehim,”hesays.

“
Hey,
”It
ookhi
shands.“
Cal
m down.Thi
sisj
ustt
he
begi
nni
ng…”

“Justgi
vemeami nuteNobuhle,
”Hewal kedaway.
Nowhesoundsli
kehei smadatme.I fhei sli
ke
thi
swhenit’
sonl
yjustthebeginni
ng,thenhowf ar
canhehangon?Ican’tlethi
m be,weneedt olear
n
toholdont
oeachot her
.Ifol
lowedhim.

“
Baby,l
isten…”Isai
dfoll
owi
ngbehi
ndhi
m.He
t
urnedaroundandburiedhi
sfacei
nmyneck.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
”hewhi
sper
ed.

“Lookatme, ”heobeyed.“Idon’
tcarehowangry
youare, walki
ngawayf r
om meandpushi ngme
awayi snotanoption.Youtakethatangerouton
me, t
ellmehowyouar efeeli
ngandthenIwill
comfor tyou…areweclear?”
“
Yesma’
am,
”hesai
d.

“
Comeher e…Il
oveyouokay,
”wehugged.Iwonder
whathappenedi
nther
e.

“
Iloveyout
oo,
”

Shit
!Thisisgoingt
obehar derthanIhad
anti
cipat
ed.ImeanLi khakhaisjustf uming…dear
Godwhom mamapr ayedtoo,Ineedyounowmor e
thanever.Mom anddad, pleasewat choverus…give
usthestrengt
ht of
ightthisandwi n.Ilovehim.
Thedr
ivebackhomei stense.Li
khakhahasn’tsai
d
awordaboutthatmeeti
ngandIam j ustdyi
ngto
know.

“
Whatdi
dtheysay?
”Iasked.

“
Ihaveunt
ilt
omor
rowt
odeci
dewhatIwant
.IfIam
nothomebytomor
rowni ght
,myunclewil
lbe
ordai
nedki
ng,
”hesays.That’
snotal
lowed…

“Butyou’
resti
llal
iveandyouar
eofage;i
sn’
tthat
againstt
herul
es?”

“
That’
smyf atherforyou,heonl
ybr
eakst
her
ules
whenitsui
tshim,”hesighed.

Likhakhalookssofrustr
ated.Hecher
ishesthat
throneandIknowt hereisnothi
nghewant smore
thansitt
ingonitwithmebesi dehi
m.Askinghimt o
choosebet weenthatchairandmysel
fisbasical
l
y
askinghimt ocommi tsui
cide.

Wegothomeandf oundPal esaandKhanya

cooking.Li
khakhamadehi swayt oourroom
withoutsayingawor dandIf igur
edIshouldfoll
ow
him.Likhakhalovesme, Iknowt hat…andIhave
neverdoubtedit.Butthatthrone…that
’shi
slif
e.
Basical
lyIam worr
iedt
hathemi ghtendup
choosingitovermeandIdon’tt
hinkI’
deversur
vive
that
;Igaveupmywhol eli
feforhim.

“
GoandeatBuhl
e,Ineedt
orestal
it
tl
e,
”hesays.
“I
’
m nothungr
y.Iwanttobeher
ewi
thyou,
”Isai
d.
Hestar
tedundressi
ng.

“Thi
sisf
rust
rat
ing,
”het
ookadeepbr
eat
hinand
out.

“Iknow,andIdon’twantyoutocar
ryt
hisal
lby
yoursel
f.Iam her
emyl oveandnowmorethanever
weneedt orel
yononeanot her
…”

“
Ihearyou.Li
sten,l
etmetakeashower
.We’
l
ltal
k
l
ater
…”hewenti nt
othebathr
oom.

“
Baby,
”hedi
dn’
trespond.Ij
ustwonderwhathe’
s
thi
nki
ng.Mywor stf
earri
ghtnowi sthathemi ght
choosethatt
hroneovermeandj ustthethoughtof
i
tmakesmesi cktothestomach.Letmej ustlethi
m
shower.Thi
smustbehar deronhim.

[
01/
05,
13:
55] : ENTRY68

SOMETI
MESTHEHEARTSEESWHATI
SINVI
SIBLE
TOTHEEYE.
-
H.JacksonBr
own,
Jr.

Iwokeupat8: 00andLi khakhawasn’

tnexttome, I
guesshe’supal r
eady.Itookashowerandjoined
them i
nthediningroom, j
ustint
imeforbreakfast
.

“Didanyofyouguyshearfrom Likhakha?”Iasked
aroundthetabl
e.Theyal
llastsawhi mlastnight
whenhecamebackf r
om thepalace.
“Cal
lhim,”Khanyasays.“
Heprobabl
ywentfora
j
og,”Ipickedupthephoneandimmediat
elycal
led
him.i
t’
sr ingi
ng….
andthenvoi
cemail
.

“Voi
cemail
,”Isai
d.Iwi
llkeeptel
li
ngmysel
fthathe
wentforajogandhewi l
lwalkinthr
ought
hatdoor
anyminutenow.
“Eatsomet
hing,
”Mzamosays.Ipi ckedupt he
coffeej
ugandpouredmysel facup.Iimmedi at
ely
gulpedi
tdown.Ifel
titt
ravelinsi
demebur ningme
up.Ihopei
t’
snotobviousthatI ’
m panicki
ng.

At10: 00,Igottir
edofl ookingatt hedoorand
call
inghi m.ItookMzamo’ scarkeysanddr oveto
thepal ace.I
t’
sal itt
lef
arnowbecausewe’ reat
Mzamo’ splace.Iam scar ed, Ihavenoi deawhat
thi
sj ourneywi l
lyiel
dbutIst oppedusi ngf earasa
tooltoqui t
.Iuseitasaf orcet ocar r
yon.
Somet i
mesIj ustseemysel fdoingt hings;li
kethe
ti
meIki l
ledRhadebe, Ionlyr ealizedaf t
erhehad
diedthatIhadkil
ledhi
m.Myonl yprayeri
sthat
someonewi llcal
lmebackhomet otellmethatmy
fi
ancéisback.Oratleast
,letmefi
ndhi m al
iveand
safe.
Andwhyam Inotsur
pri
sed?I
’
vebeenr
efused
ent
rance.

“I
saac,youknowme.Ij
ustwantt
oknowi
fhe’
s
here…”Ibegged.

“Nobuhl
e,wewer
einst
ruct
edt
onotl
etyoui
n…”he
says.

“
Doyouunder
standt
hatIam yourki
ng’
sfi
ancé?
”

“
Iam sor
ry,
Iam al
soj
ustdoi
ngmyj
ob,
”

“
Likhakha!
”Ishout
ed.
“Excuseme?Youcannotdothat
…pleaseleave,
otherwi
seIwil
lhavetocar
ryyouawayfrom thi
s
gate,
”anot
herguardcameout.

“
Whati
shappeninghere?”hi
seyesrest
edonme,
“
Youagai
n…”Idon’thaveti
meforthi
s.Ichar
gedf
or
t
hegat
e
knowingf
ull
ywellt
hatIwi
llnotmakei
tfar
.Isaac
andtheot
herguardhel
dmeback.

“Likhakha!”Ishoutedagain.Iwasst arti
ngt ol
ose
mycomposur eandIhat eitwhenIgetl ikethi
s.I
havet womenhol dingmebackf r
om comi ngcl
ose
tot hegate.Iam notacr i
mi nal
,Idon’thaveabomb
onme.Af terstr
uggling,
kickingandscr eaming
Isaacf i
nall
yagr eedtocallhimforme.

“
Buhle,
whatar
eyoudoinghere?
”that’
sthef
ir
st
t
hinghesai
dwhentheemergedfrom t
hegat
e.
“Iwokeupandyouwer enotthere…”Isai
d
breat
hingheavi
ly.“
Ical
led…but
…”

“
I’
m al
it
tl
ebusyher
e…Iwi
llcal
lyoul
ater
!”hesays.

“Youmeanwe’
l
ltal
klat
erwhenyoucomeback…”I
corr
ect
edhi
m.

“
Ineedt
otakecar
eofsomet
hingsher
e…”hesays.

“Li
kewhat ?”IhopeI’
m notbeingtooinquisi
ti
ve.
From ourlastmeeti
ngyesterday;heshouldn’
tbe
here;unl
esshechoosest obeki ngwithoutmein
hisli
fe.

“
Buhl
e,Iwasordai
nedki
ng,
wasn’
tI?Ihavedut
ies
t
oatt
endto…”
“Duti
es,butyousaid…Likhakha,whenareyou
comingbackt ome? ”myhear ti
sburningup.Whyi
s
heactingli
kethi
s?Di dImisssomet hi
nginour
conversat
ionsperhaps?

“
I’
llcal
lyou,
”

“
Ididn’
taskyoutocal
lme”mytonegothi
gherand
t
hicker
.Isaact
ookafewst
epsclosert
ohi
sking.

“Nkosiyam,”(Myking,
)hiseyesaregl
uedonme.I
am sotiny;Ican’
tdoshitt
ohisking.

“
Isaac,
leaveus,
bot
hofyou”

“Ngonyamayesizwe,
youknowIcannotdot
hat
,”he
opposeshi
sking.
“
I’
mfi
ne.Now…leaveus,
”theyobeyed.“
Buhl
e,
”he
t
ookmyhands.

“
Pleasetellmewhat ’shappeni ng?Whyam Iwor r
ied?
Whyismyhear tburningLikhakhaandwhydi dI
wakeupt ofindyounott here?”Iasked.Hiseyes
wonderedandf rom thelookinhi seyesIcantel
l
t
hatI’
m aboutt olosehim;inf act,Il
osthi
m.“So…it’
s
t
hethronehuh? ”

“Ican’
tleti
tgo.That
’smyli
fe,Iwasr
aisedand
groomedt obeaking,
”hesayscuppi
ngmyf ace.

“
IhearthatandIunder
stand,”myeyesst
art
ed
t
eari
ng,“butwher
edoest hatputme?whatabout
me?”Iasked.

“
myl
ove…”hewhi
sper
s.
“Youarenotanswer
ingmeLikhakha.Ichangedmy
l
ifepl
ans,qui
tmyjobandgaveupaver ybigcase
j
ustsoIcouldbewithyou,
”Isay.hecleanedmy
eyes.

“Let
’sf
acei t
, youdidn’
twantanyoft
his.Ibegged
youandbeggedyout omarr
ymebutyoul eft
…”he
saysdefensively.It
ookastepback.

“
Iwas19.
”Ishout
ed.

“
Jahwellwhat
’st
hedi
ff
erencenow?
”hi
stone
i
ncr
eased.
“I’
m 25andIam here…t hat’
sthedi
ff
erence.Ist
ayed,
IsaidyesIwil
lmar r
yyou”Iwavedmyhandi nhis
face,“
Iam weari
ngt her i
ngyougavemeandIl ove
you…that
’sthedi
fference,”
“Thereisnopointinarguingaboutt hi
sbackand
fort
h,what ’
sdoneisdone…I ’
m sor r
y,Ihopeyoucan
understandthatli
keyouchoseyourcar eer,
Iam
alsochoosingmyt hrone,
”heheadedf orthedoor
.I
coveredmymout hwiththepal m ofmyhandt otr
y
andmuf f
lethesoundofmycr y,

“Li
khakha, pleasedon’ tdothis.Wewi llfi
ght
toget her…si debysi de,”heignoredme.Di dn’
tfl
inch
oft urnar ound.“ Youl ovemeLi khakhaDal i
ndyebo
andIl oveyout oo…don’ tdot hi
s,”Icried.Thegat e
swal lowedhi m andhewasgone.I saaccameout
i
nst ead…hewasst ari
ngatmel ikeI ’
m acr azy
person.It ookoutt heengagementr ingIhadonand
gavei tt
ohi m.“ Pleasegi vethatt ohim, ”Isaidand
goti ntomycar .Ist ayedi nthereforabout20
minut escr yi ngbef oreIcal l
edMzamot ocomeand
fetchme.Ican’ tdr iveinthisstate.Hecameher e
withacab, It ol
dhi mt o.

“
Whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?”heaskedl
eadi
ngmet
o
thecar.Icouldn’tgetmyselftoopenmymout hand
actuall
yutterwor dssoIjustgoti
ntothecar
.
“Thethamf ondini,bendi
semsebenzi
ni…”(
Speak,I
wasatwor k)

“I
’
llt
ellyoulat
er,
”Isai
dcover
ingmyeyest
ryi
ngt
o
hi
dethet ear
s.

“
Buhl
e,l
ookatme”heasks.

“Mzamo,pleasej
ustt
akemehome…pl ease”I
begged.Hetookmyhandandpul l
edmet ohi
s
chestandthenki
ssedthebackofmyneck
repeat
edl
y.

“
DoIneedt
oki
llsomeone,
youknowI
’
lldoi
t,
”

“
Mzamo,
”Isai
d.
“
Iloveyousi
s,
”hesai
d.

“
Okay,
Iloveyout
oo…”hedr
ovehome.

WhenIgothome;Ilockedmyselfinmyr oom.I
coul
dn’tf
acethem;Iwasjusttooembarrassedand
hurt
.WhatwasIsupposedt osaytothem?Idon’t
wanttodothisanymore…t
hisli
vingt
hingisclear
ly
notmeantforme.

It
’s3:
00i nthemor ning.It’
sthenextdayandIdi d
notsleepawi nk.WhydoIal waysdot hist
omysel f
?
ImeanI ’veal
waysknownt hatLi
khakhawoul d
neverchoosemeovert hatthr
one.YetIsti
llchose
todeceive,l
ieandbet raymyownhear t.HowcouldI
besost upidandblind.Fuckme!

Fir
stl
y,Li
khakhachoset
oproposetomei nf
rontof
theenti
reki
ngdom andt
heworldandthen…Iam so
mad.I’
m angry.Myhear
tisbur
ning.Iwantt
okil
l
someoneoranyt hing.Hei scall
ing.WhyshouldI
pickup?Whyshoul dIgivehim evenasecondof
myt i
me?It appedt hegreeniconthatappear
edon
myscr eenandpl acedthephoneagai nstmyear.
Forgi
veme…Il ied.Ofcour se,
Ihavetopickup,don’
t
j
udgeme, youknowyou’ ddot hesame.

“
BUHLE,
”hesays.Hi
svoi
cei
str
embl
ing.

“
LIKHAKHA,
AREYOUOKAY?
”Isayconcer
ned.

“NO”,Icoul
dhearfrom hi
svoicet hathewasnot
okayandmypai nimmediatelydisappeared.I
stoppedburni
ng,i
nsteadIstart
edpani cki
ng.

“WHAT’ SHAPPENING?”Iasked?Hebreat
hedin
heavi
ly.Icoul
dhearhi
mt ryi
ngtocomposehimsel
f.
Thentherewassil
ence,Icoul
dn’
thearhi
m
br
eat
hing.Icoul
dn’
thearanyt
hing.

“BABY, PLEASESAYSOMETHI NGPLEASE…I ’

M
HERE.PLEASETALKTOME, ”Ibegged.NowI ’m
crying,
justthi
nkingthewor stofthi
ssituat
ion.What
i
fhej ustcommi ttedsuici
de?WhatifIputt oomuch
pressureonhi m andhej ustendedhisli
fe?Ican’t
hearasi ngl
et hi
ngbutt hecalli
ssti
llongoing.
“LIKHAKHA…INEEDYOUTOSAYSOMETHI NG.
PLEASELETMECOMETOYOU…PLEASESAY
SOMETHI NG,”Mziwal kedin.WasIthatloud
though?

“
what
’shappeni
ng?
”heaskssi
tt
ingnextt
ome.

“
Ithi
nkLi
khakhahashur
thi
msel
f,
”Iut
ter
ed.

“
What
?”hest
ood.Het
oowasshaken.
“
LIKHAKHA,
”Ical
led.

“I’
M OUTSIDEYOURHOUSE, ”Iwastedi
dn’
tanot
her
second;Ij
umpedoutofbed.AllIhadonwasabigt
-shi
rt
.“COMEOUTSIDE”

“He’
soutsi
de,”Isai
dtoMzitorunni
ngout.Therehe
wasstandi
ngout si
dehiscar
,nobodyguar
d,just
him.It
akeitheescaped.

“Li
khakha,whatareyoudoing?Ar eyouokay?”I
sai
dbr eat
hingheavi
ly.Heembr acedme.hewas
holdi
ngmesot i
ghtIcoul
dn’tevenbreat
he.“Areyou
okay?It’
sthreei
nthemor ni
ng…”Isaid.heputme
downandt ookastepback.

“
I’
m af
ool
;ar
en’
tI?
”hesayscl
eani
nghi
seyes.
“
Yes.
”Imeanhei
s.

“YouknowIwassitt
ingonthatthr
oneaboutan
hourago;Iwast
hinki
ngaboutyou.AndIr eal
ized
thatIhavemypri
ori
ti
esmixedup.Ivaluedachair,a
stupi
dchairmor
ethanIvaluedyou,”

“I
t’
sinthemor
ningLi
khakha,
it’
scol
d.Whyar
eyou
here?
”

“Buhle,youar etheonl ypersont hatmakesmyl i

fe
makesense.WhenIsawyouaf tersomany
years…bel i
evei tornotIact ual
lyf eltmyself
breathingsoeasyandnor mall
y.Ihavebeenhol ding
mybr eat hfor6year sbecausei twasal lnotworthit
.
Themoney;t hegirl
s;t hepopularity.Thethrone.
WhenIl eftyoust andi ngoutsi
demyyar d,Icaught
mysel fholdingmybr eathi
ngandi twasthemost
uncomf ort
ablef eel
ing, ”
“
But
..
.”

“Nolist
en.Iam sorryforwhatIdi
d.Youdon’t
deserveanypaininyourlif
e.AllI
’
m sayi
ngis…Iam
holdi
ngmybr eathrightnowandIdon’twantto.
Pleasetel
lmetobr eathe,
”

“Youdidthi
stoyoursel
fthi
stimear ound”,
I’
m
actual
lyt
eari
ng,agai
n..
.I
’m soti
red.Thisguy…

“Iam sorr
y.Pl
ease,Ineedyourpermissi
ont
olive.
Ndiyakucel
aNdlovukaziyam,
”(Pleasemyqueen)
hebegged.

“Iwassoscar
edLi
khakha,
”hegotcl
oserand
huggedme

“
I’
m scar
edBuhl
e,
”hesays.
“Breathe,”Isai
d.hel ookedatme.“ Stophol ding
yourbr eath,br
eathef orme…”her estedhis
foreheadonmi neandexhal edslowl y.“I
’m her e,
”I
uttered.ButthenIneedt obossupr ealquickandl et
thi
st hisniggaknowIai n’taboutthi sbull
shi tgame
he’splaying.Ifuckingki l
ledamanandI ’m st i
ll
wal ki
ng.I’m abossassbi tchandheneedst oknow
thatcozcl earl
yhedon’ t
.Itookast epbackand
l
ookedathi m.her ecoiledinconf usion.“i
fyoudar e
dot histomeagai n;IswearIwi llcallmybr others
onyouandaf t
erwhat everhor r
iblet hi
ngt heydot o
youIwi l
lbreakyourt eethandmakeyouswal low
them, Iwillski
nyoual i
veandf eedyout ot he
fuckingdogs…Idon’ tcarehowmuchyoucr yorbeg;
Iwi l
lkil
lyourrustyass, ”

“Shi
t!
”hewavedhispal
msabovehi sheadt o
i
ndicat
esur
render
.“Deal
,okay…okay,Ihearyou.I
’
m
basi
call
yadeadmanwal ki
ng,”hesays.

“
Yeah,
youbet
terknowt
hat
,”
“
Now,
canIki
ssyounow?
”

“
Yespl
ease,
”hegoti
ncl
oserandki
ssedme.

“Ar
eyouminenow?
”hesaysr
ubbi
nghi
sli
ps
agai
nstmi
ne.

“
I’
veal
waysbeenyour
s.Youwer
ejustbei
ngaf
ool
,
”

“
I’
m yourf
ool
,
”says.

“Yes,
yesyouar
e,”Iki
ssedhi
m.“
Comei
n.Let
’s
cuddl
e,”

[
01/
05,
13:
55] : ENTRY69
AGAIN,YOUCAN’TCONNECTTHEDOTSLOOKI NG
FORWARDYOUCANONLYCONNECTTHEM
LOOKINGBACKWARDS.SOYOUHAVETOTRUST
THATTHEDOTSWI LLSOMEHOW CONNECTI N
YOURFUTURE.YOUHAVETOTRUSTI N
SOMETHI NG–YOURGUT,DESTI
NY,LIFE,
KARMA,
WHATEVER.THISAPPROACHHASNEVERLETME
DOWN, ANDITHASMADEALLTHEDI FFERENCE
INMYLI FE
-
SteveJobs

Thi
smor ni
ng,whenIj
oinedt
hem f
orbr
eakf
ast
,I
hadatailf
oll
owi
ngbehindme.I
t’
snamewas
Li
khakha.

“
Goodmor
ningf
ami
ly,
”hesayst
aki
ngaseat
.

“Nkosiyesi
zwe,
”Pal
esasays.Hereyesar
erest
ing
onme.
“
Whatt
hef
ucki
sthi
s?”Mzamoasks.

“Hecameher
et hismorni
ng;i
twascoldsoItol
d
himtost
ayover…”Isay.Mzi’
seyesar
erest
ingon
measheissippingonhiscoff
ee.

“Baby,whatgameareyoupl
ayi
nghere?
”Mandla
asks.Foroncehel
ooksandsoundsser
ious.

“
I…Idon’
tfol
low,
”hesays.

“Youdon’tfol
low…”Mandl
arepeat
swhathesai
d.
Likhakhanodded.

“Yesterday,Ipickedupmysi sterf
rom yourhouse.
Shewascr ying,hurt
ing…andnowyouar etrai
li
ng
behindherj ustthenextmorning.Whatdoyouwant
from her?”Mzamoasks.
“
Bhut
i,wet
alkedand…”

“Iam t
alki
ngt
ohim,”hiseyesarefi
xedonLikhakha.
IsqueezedLi
khakha’
sthi
ghunderthetabl
e.Just
forhi
mt ocal
m down.Mybr ot
hershaveeveryri
ght
toquesti
onhi
m.Idon’tbl
amet hem.

“
Thet
habaf
o,”(
Speakbr
other
)Mandl
acomesi
n.

“Li
khakha,
fol
lowme,”Mzist
ood.“i
ngat
hi
asi
zuvana,
”(I
t’
sli
kewewon’tgetal
ong,
)ther
egoes
Mzibeingabigbr
other
.

MzamoandMandlaf
oll
owedbehi
ndLi
khakha.Poor
ki
ng.Ipr
ayt
heydon’
thur
thi
m.

“Iwishmybr ot
herswer
eascari
ngasyour
s,”
Palesasays.ThenMonwabi
siheadedf
ort
hedoor
.
Wewer
eallal
it
tl
econfused.“
Uyaphiwena?
”
(
Wher
eareyougoing?
)hismom asked.

“ToBuhl
e’
sboyfr
iend,
”hesai
danddi
sappear
ed
behi
ndthedoor
.

“
Whatdoyout
hinkt
heyar
egoi
ngt
odo?
”Iasked.

“Theworsttheycoul
ddoiskillhi
ml ove,
don’t
worry,
”Khanyasays.Pal
esaandIl ookedatherand
l
aughedbecausemybr other
swoul dactual
lyki
ll
him.They’
rehere,Moisl
eadingthem.

“
Higuys,
”Khanyasays.

“Shal
lwehavebreakf
ast
,asafamil
y?”Mzii
s
smili
ng.Hi
sfacehassof
tenedupsi
ncethel
ast
ti
meIsawhi m.
“Asaf
ami
ly…al
ongwit
hmyf
iancé?
”Iasked,
justt
o
beont
hesafesi
de.

“
Comeher
e,”Li
khakhaj
ustki
ssedme.

“
Comeher
e,”Mziki
ssedPal
esa.

“Comeher ebabe,
”Mzamoki ssedKhanya.Whaton
earth?Wewer eal
ljustl
aughi
ng,asafamily,
along
withmyfiancé.

“
Wel
l,
Moboy,
Iguesswewi
llbesi
ngl
etoget
her
…”

“
Daddy”Mocover
edhi
sfaceshyl
y.

“Ihatetobreakupt
hiswonder
fulf
ami
lyt
ime,
”
Likhakhasays.
“
Butyouhavet
ogo,
”Isai
d.Iwon’
tli
eIam al
it
tl
e
wor
ri
ed.

“Dutycall
s,
”hekissedmyhand.“ Don’
tworry,Iwi
ll
callyouandIwil
lbethinki
ngaboutyouever ysi
ngle
minuteoftheday,”t
hisguyjustr
eadmyt houghts.I
nodded.“CanIgetakiss?”heasks.Iki
ssedhim.

“
I’
llwal
kyouout
,”Isai
d

“
Fam,
Iloveyou,
Igot
tar
unandf
ightmyf
ami
ly,
”

“
LoveyouBaby,
”Pal
esasays.

“
Goodl
uck!
”saysMzamo.Wewal kedout
sidehand
i
nhandandsaidourgoodbyes.

I
t’
sbeenawhi
lesi
nceI
’
vebeenoutwi
thmy
brot
hersoratleastspentt
imewi t
hthem.Mebei
ng
thesweetsi
sterthatIam Ideci
dedtotr
eatt
hem out
.

“BOY,
TAKECAREOFTHEHOUSE.YOU’ REIN
CHARGEOKAY” ,
Mzi’sfacel
i
teral
lyl
ight
supface
whental
kingt
ohisson.Toopreci
ous.

“Whyareweher
e?”Mandl
aaskedconcent
rat
ingon
hisphone.

“Wel
l,i
t’
sbeenawhil
esi
ncewespenttimetogether
,
Iwil
lbegett
ingmar
ri
edsoonsoIthought
,whynot
tr
eatyoutosomedi
nner
,Imissyouguys,
”Isaid.

“Thi
sisagr
eatideasi
s,we’
real
lol
dnowandl
if
e
getsi
ntheway…”Mzisays.

“NahMzi,
speakforyour
sel
f,I
’
m notold.Just
grownup…”Isai
dandpokedmyt ongueoutathi
m.
“Ooooh,doyouhaveanyt hi
ngtosayt
othatMzi
,
shejustshothershotatyou…”Mzamosaid.

“
Theni
ghti
sst
il
lyoung…”sai
dMzi
smi
rki
ng.

“
Andsoam I
…”Isay.

“
Okaynowyou’r
ejustt
akingadvantage…”-
Mzi
.
Mandl
aisbei
nguncharacter
ist
ical
lyqui
et.

“
Mandl
a,putyourphoneaway,
let
’schat
…”Isai
d.

“Ihavethi
ngsandpeopl eIneedt oat t
endt o.You
shouldhavetoldusear l
ieraboutthissowecanf i
x
ourschedules.Ishouldbeatt heclubrightnow”
saidMandlanotl ooki
ngatmeoranyonei nthis
tabl
ewhatsoever .
““
Itwasmeanttobeasu…”,herudel
ypi
ckedupa
phonecal
landwalkedout
side.Hedi
dn’
teven
excusehi
mself
.

“
Don’
twor
ryabouthi
m.He’
sbei
ngMandl
a”-
Mzamo

“
Yeah”If
orcedasmi
le.

Mzi
’
sphoner
ingsaswel
l.

“
It
’sGermany.Ineedt
otaket
his”hesaysand
l
eaves.
“Puthi
m onspeaker
”,Mzamofoll
owedhim.Okay
great
!Ever
ythi
ngisgoi
nggreat
,justgr
eat
.

“ENJOYYOUTIMEWI THYOURBOYFRI ENDS,

I
LOVEYOU,”It
extf
rom Li
khakhar
eads.
They’
vebeenoutsi
degat
her edar
oundMzi’sphone
andourfoodisget
ti
ngcold.Notonl
ythat,
butmy
pati
enceisal
sorunni
ngthin.Her
etheycome.

“
Hey,br
a,”Mzical
lst
hewai
ter
,“Canweget
t
akeaways,
”

“
Mzi
,wel
it
eral
lydi
dnoteat
,”Isay.

“We’
lleatathome.Ineedtobeathomewit
hmy
sonandwi fe,
”hesaystaki
ngouthi
swal
let
.

“
JustanhourMzi,
”Mzamobeggedonmybehalf
.I
f
eelsodesper
ate,
li
keI
’m beggi
ngaboyt
oloveme.

“Ihavetobeattheclubi
nhalfanhour,canwe
hurrythi
sup.There’
sanappearance,
”saidMandl
a
sti
lll
ookingathi
sphone.Whatishappening?Ar
e
wedr i
ft
ingapar
t…t
hiscan’
tbebecauseweare
growingup;ormaybeitj
usti
sandIam just
overt
hinki
ngthi
s,

“Okay,
youguyscango…I’l
lpay.Youguysgoand
att
endtoyourt
hings,
”Isay.

“No,nooneisl
eavi
ng.Wewil
lsi
tandeat
,”Mzamo
star
tspour
ingsour
ceonhi
schips.

“
That
’snotgoi
ngt
owor
k,j
ustgoguys,
”

“
Buhl
e,pl
easedon’
ttaket
hisper
sonal
”-
Mandl
a

“
Comeom Buhl
e,don’
tfeel
bad,
”-Mzamo.

“I
t’
sokay,Iunder
stand.
”If
orcedasmil
e,“I
’
mj ust
gl
adIdidn’tmovebackhomeallt
hoseyears.
I
maginehowt
hingswoul
dhavebeen,you’dbebusy
maki
ngmoneyandyourwivesbusyspendi
ng
i
t…wher
ewoul
dIbeinthatpict
ure?
”

“That
’sbul
lshi
t,
”Mandlasays.I
nmomentsliket
his,
IknowMandl awil
lal
wayshaveasay.heneverl
et
thi
ngspasshim.Especi
all
yifheget
stoprovehow
muchofamanhei s.

“Whatt
hehel
list
hatsupposedt
ome?
”Il
ookedat
him.

“
Youwil
lnotdot
hisher
e…bot
hyou.
”Mzisay.
“
Wait
er!
”
“
Isai
dIwoul
dpay,”Igavehi
m anast
ylookt
hat
madehi
mleanback.

“It
hinki
t’
saboutti
mesomeonesaidsomet
hingand
i
tlooksl
iket
hatpersonwon’
tbeanyofmyso-
cal
ledbi
gbrother
,”
-Mandl
a
“
So-
cal
led?
”Mziachoeshi
m.

“Wheret
hefucki
sthiswaiter
.Thi
sisnotaboutt
o
happenher
e…”weallignor
edMzamo.

“
Yousai
dyouwantt
osaysomet
hingMandl
a,”

“We–yourbr other
saskedyoutomovebackhome
yearaft
eryearbutyouref
used.NowBabyshows
upanddoest hesamet hi
ngandyouar
e
stayi
ng…It
’scl
earthatwearenoti
mport
antt
oyou
anymore,”

“Whatthef uck”Il
ookedatallt
hreeofthem.Mzi
didn’
tdisputeMandla’spoi
nt.Neit
herdidMzamo.
Mzilookedathi sphone.

“
Fuck,
themer
chandi
sear
ri
vedal
it
tl
eear
ly.We’
re
neededatthestor
e,”hesayst
oMzamo, “
Buhle,
tel
l
thegir
lswe’l
lbehomesoon.Lockt
hedoor swhen
yougethome…”het ookouthi
swal
letandlef
ta
chunkofmoneyandexi t
ed.

“Dri
vesaf e,
”Mzamof ollowedbehi ndhim.Mandl a
didn’tevensayanything,hejusttookhispr oper
ty
andl eftme.Ipayedforthefoodandt ooki thome
withme.Ipayedwi thmycar d, I
’m gi
vingthis
moneybackt oMzi.IsaidIwoul dpay.Likhakhais
call
ingIpickedup.

“
NKOSIYAM,
”(MYKI
NG)

“NDLOVUKAZIYAM,
AREYOUDRI
VING?
”(MY
QUEEN)

“
YES,
I’
M GOI
NGHOME,
”
“
WHERE’
STHEGANG?
”

“THEYLEFTME.APPARENTLYTHEYHAD
BUSINESSTOTAKECAREOF.MANDLAWASJUST
SORUDE, I
’
M SOOVEREVERYTHINGREALLY…”I
vent
ed.

“
HAI
BO!
”heexcl
aimed.“
WHATHAPPENED?
”

“THEY’
REALI
TTLEMADTHATISTAYEDBECAUSE
OFYOUANDNOTTHEM,”

“
SHIT!WENEEDTOGETMARRIEDQUI
CKLYSO
I
T’SCLEARWHEREYOUBELONG…”

“
REALLY,
YOUAREJUSTSI
LLY,
”Isai
d.Hegi
ggl
ed.
“JUSTTALKTOTHEM.YOUGUYSALWAYSHAVE
FIGHTS…YOU’
RESI
BLI
NGS,”

“YEAH,
I’
LLTALKTOTHEM.LI
STEN,
LETMEGET
HOME.I’
LLCALLYOU,
”

“
OKAY,
ILOVEYOU,
”

“
ILOVEYOU,
”

Igothome-t ookashower–madeast rongcupof

blackcof f
eeandwat chedsomej udgeJudy.Isent
Likhakhaagoodni ghttext
,Iact
uallyf
orgottocall
.
Hei seitherasleeporbusysor t
ingouttheproblems
broughtt ohim onadai lybasi
s.Inwalkedthe
musket eers,oneaf t
ertheother
, f
rom ol
destto
youngest .
“
You’
resti
llup?”Mziasked.Inodded,
“Ar
eyoust
il
l
madaboutthatdi
nner?”headds,

“
Sitdown,allofyou,”Isay.Theyobeyed.“
Youare
r
ightMandla,IstayedbecauseLikhakhaaskedme
t
oo.Ifi
twasn’tforhim –I ’
dbeinDurban,atwor
k…”

“Whyarewest
il
ltal
kingaboutt
his?
”Mandl
acutme
shor
t.

“Li
teral
lyst
opt alki
ngMandl a,Iam t
alki
ngnow.Why
areyousor udeanddi srespectf
ul?Fuck!
”nowI ’m
mad, hehasmademer eall
ymad.Mandl aisjust
rude.Hedoesn’ tcareaboutt heimpactofthethings
hesaysonot herpeopl e.I’dneverdist
urbhimlike
thi
swhenhei st al
king,thati
sjustrude.

“
Fine,
thet
ha,
”(speak)hesays.
“Aftermamadi ed,Iaut omat icall
yhadt ogr owup
andbeabi ggirl.Ichoseyouguysanddadover
everything…ever ything.Ichoseyouoverpr om, the
afterpartywher eyoudi dn’tneedapr ett
ydr esst o
att
end, Ichoseyouoverhavi ngaboyf r
iend.I tgott o
apoi ntwher eIwasi nvisible.Iwast hethr ee
brothers’sister.NotNobuhl e,”Mzi nodded, t
hat
gavemeal itt
lehope.“ Ididn’ twantt ost aywhen
youaskedmebecauset hatmeantIwasj ustgoing
tobet het hreebr others’ sisteragai n,
”Imovedt o
theedgeofmyseat .“IloveLi khakha,hemakesme
makesenseandyesIchoset ostaywhenheasked
mebecausehewon’ tl
etmypr esenceormy
existencef adebehi ndhi snameormascul i
nity.He
seeswhatIcanbe…soI ’m sor r
yformaki ngyou
guysf eellessi mpor tant ,Iloveyou.ButIdonotf eel
badf ornotcomi nghomeal lthoseyear s…”

“
Ift
hisi
saboutear
li
er,
we’
resor
ry,
”Mzi
speaks.

“
It
’snotj
ustaboutear
li
er,
it’
saboutmywhol
e
l
ife…butmostl
yaboutt oni
ght,”Isi
ghed.“Does
anyonehaveanyt hingtosay? ”Iaskedclearl
y
openingthefl
oorf orthem t
opouroutt heirheart
s.
Noonesai danything.WellIguesst hat
’smycue.
WhenIgoti nt
omyr oom, Ireali
zedthatIdidn’
tgive
Mzihismoneybackt oIwentback.Ist retchedmy
handf or
ward,“
Isai dI’
dpay, ”

“
Thankyou,
”het
ooki
t.

“Buhle,uBabyuyakubi za”(Babyiscal
li
ngyou)If eel
aslimycol dhandonmyf ace.I
tsMo’,whot ol
dthis
boytocal lmyfiancéBaby?Hest ar
tskissingmeal l
overmyf ace.“vukavukavuka, ”(Wakeup!Wakeup!
Wakeup! )hechant ed.Ifeelsomeonehol dingme
from theback;it
sLi khakha.Hestart
edkissi ngmy
cheekandneck.

“I
’m up,
”Isai
dyawning.Hesmellsandlooksgood.
Hehasonawhi teshir
twithanavyandwhi tet
ie
andanavypairofstr
aightcutf
ormalpants.Mo
j
umpedbetweenmeandLi khakhaandki
ssedme
al
lovermyfaceagai
n.Hismom alwaysdoest
hist
o
hi
m whenhewakesup“ Mo,I’
m up,
”

“Monwabi
si,goandfinishyourbreakf
astandwhi
le
you’
reati
t,getyour
selfagirl
fr
iend,
”

“Okay,
I’
m goi
ng”saysMonwabisist
umbl
ingont
he
bed.Hefi
nall
ylef
tusinpi
ece.

“Getup,t
heyarewai
ti
ngf
orusatt
hepal
ace…”my
eyesgrewwider…

“
Us?Meandyou…now?
”Ist
utt
ered.Henodded.
“
Why?”

“Theywantameet
ingwi
tht
het
woofusi
nli
ket
wo
hour…”
“
Twohour
s,”Isai
dundermybr
eat
h.

“
Weart
hedr
essyouwor
ethatday…”hesays.

“
Ican’
t,
they’
veseent
hat
,”Icr
ied.Heki
ssedme.

“Youwil
llookperf
ect…wellit
’snotli
keyouhavea
choi
ce.Youcan’texact
lywearj eansort
ights.You
wil
lbeinfrontoft
heelders,thecounci
l,my
famil
y…andmosti mport
ant l
y,myancestors.You
needtoshowof ft
hosecur ves,
”

“
Okay,
letmeshowert
hen,
”

[
01/
05,
13:
55] : ENTRY70

THREETHI
NGSCANNOTBEHI
DDEN;THESUN,
THEMOON,
ANDTHETRUTH.
-
Buddha

Icameoutofthebathr
oom wit
hatowelwr
apped
aroundme.He’sst
il
lherel
ooki
ngathi
sphone.

“
Babe,
”Ical
led.Hel
ookedatme.

“Whydotheywanttoseeus?”Iasked.Idi
dn’tr
eal
ly
askwhattheywant
edwithus,Ij
ustgotnervous
andworr
ied.

“
Areyouwor
ri
ed?
”heasked.

“
Yeah,al
it
tl
e.”I
’
mlooki
ngathi
sref
lect
ionint
he
mir
ror
.Hecameandheldmefr
om theback.

“
Youl
ooksobeaut
if
ul,
”hesayski
ssi
ngmyneck.
“Ihavet
olookbeaut
ifuli
nyoureyes…”hechuckl
ed
andheldmetight
er.

“
Yest
erdayIhadameet ingwitht
hem;myf amily,
t
heel
der sandcounci
l.Itol
dthem t
hatIneededyou
i
nmylife,Ibeggedt
hem.Iwentonmyknees…”

“
Awhol
eki
ng,
onhi
sknees”Isai
djoki
ngl
y.

“Lookatt
hei
ronyinthat.”hesays.“
List
en,Iwant
youtoknowt
hatifwel osethenwear epacki
ngour
thi
ngsandmovingtoDur ban.Toaplacebythe
beach…”

“
Youhavet
hisal
lpl
annedouthey?
”

“Dressup,
let
’sgetthem,”hesays.It
urnedar
ound,
stoodonmyt oesandkissedhim.
“
It
’syouandI
,andi
thi
?”(
Isn’
t?
)Isay.

“Well
,
”heplant
edakissonmyf or
ehead.“
It’
syou
andIandyourbrot
hersl
ove,
”webothlaughed.
“AndMo”,t
hatboyneedtowatchout,
”hesays.

“Il
oveyou,
”weki ssed.I
twasgetti
ngkindofheat
ed
upandIjustdidn’
twanttostop.ButIhavet
o…I
haveameet i
ngwi t
htheroyal
s.“Canwecarryon
wit
hthisl
ater…”

“
Yesma’
am,
”hesai
dandst
eppedaway.

Igotdr
essedandlookedl
ikeaqueen.Li
khakha
openedthebedr
oom doorformeandledmeout .
Wewal kedi
ntot
helivi
ngroom andf
oundthefamily
ther
e.
“
Ndl
ovukazi
,
”(Myqueen)Mziki
ssedmyhad,

“
Mzi,Ij
usthaveameet
ing,
I’
m notget
ti
ng
mar
ri
ed…yet,
”Isay.

“Buhle,
justspeakEngl
ish…ever
ythi
ngwi
llgowel
l
,”
Palesasays.

“
Yes,speakyourlawEngl i
sh…justsayconsti
tut
ion
t
heywillaskyoutobet hei
rqueent hatver
y
moment ,
”Khanyaagreedwi t
hPal esa.“
You’l
lmake
agr
eatqueen, Buhl
e,
”sheadds.

“
Queen,
”Iechoedthatword.If
eell
ightheaded.
“
CanIhaveasitplease,
”Isai
dsqui
ntingmyeyes
wil
li
ngt
hedizzi
nesst ogoaway.

“
Areyouokay?
”Li
khakhaknel
tbef
oreme.
“I’
mf i
ne,justalit
tl
elightheaded.Everythingis
real…whatifwewi n.ThatmeansIwi l
lbeyour
queenandIhavet ol eadpeopleand…it’
sr eal,
”
Palesahandedmeagl asspfwater
,Iquickl ygul
ped
i
tdown.“ Whati fIfai
l?Whati fIl
etyoudown…what
i
fI ’
m nottheonef oryou? ”Iam r
eall
ypani cking.My
visi
onisget t
ingdistortedandmybr eathingi s
heavy.IheldLikhakha’ shandsuperti
ghtt ot r
yand
concentratemyener gysoIwon’ tpassout .My
tongueisdr yandmyear sf
eelbl
ocked.If eltahand
onmyf ace,

“
Breat
hef
orme,
”hesays.That
’sLi
khakha.

“I’
mt r
ying,”Ihopehehear dme, oratleastIhopeI
saidthatoutl oudbecauseIcan’thearasi nglethi
ng.
Whyt hefuckam Isuchapussy?Whyam Idoi ng
this?Whyam Ipani cking?Everythi
ngst ar
ted
cleari
ng.IthinkI’
m calmingdownnow…Ihat edthat
fewmi nutesofhell.Youjustneverknowwhat ’s
happeningorwhatwi l
lhappennext .You’r
ej ust
hopingandpr ayingthatyourbreathi
ngwillgetback
tonormalandyou’ llbefi
neagain.Icansee
Likhakha.Thankheavens.“ Mzamo…canwegot o
myr oom? ”Idraggedhim.Ishutt hedoorbehindus.

“
Whati
sit
?”heasked.

“whatifwe’
redoingthewrongt
hing.Thesearel
aws
andtradi
ti
onsthathavebeenherewaaaaybefor
e
wewer eborn.Whoar ewetowanttobendthem,
”I
vent
ed,

“
Sit
,”hesayscal
mly.Iobeyed.

“Mzamo,Li
khakha’senti
ref
amilyhatesmeandnot
tomenti
onhisfat
her.WhatifIgetscaredwhenI
gett
hereandIcan’tspeakf
ormyself,andjust
fr
eeze?
”Ibitonli
ps.
“Whoareyougett
ingmarri
edtoagain?”heasks.I
s
heseri
ous?Waitt
here’
sprobabl
ysomet hi
ngwise
comingaft
ert
his,
letmejustbeniceandpati
ent.
Letmenotcal
lhim off
.

“
Likhakha,
”Ir
esponded.

“Whyi sn’theherewi t
hyou? ”Icouldn’
trespondto
that,
“Mamel a,”(Li
sten)hesays, “
I’
m goingt ogoout
andcal lhim,youneedt otal
ktohim andtellhi
m
whatyou’ refeel
ingrightnow;notme.I maginehow
he’sfeeli
ngnow.Yout ookmyhandi nsteadofhis.I
l
oveyousomuchbutIcannothol dyourhandal l
theti
me;especi all
yint hismatt
er…okay”

“Okay,”Inodded.Hewentoutandcamebackwi
th
Likhakha,helookssoworr
iedandnowIact
ual
ly
feelbadfornottaki
nghi
shand.

“
Mamawesi
zwesam,
”(mot
herofmynat
ion)he
wentonhi
sknees.“
Tal
ktome,
”hesays.

“It
hinkI
’
m scar
ed,andI
’
m sor
ryf
ornott
alki
ngt
o
you…”Mzamoexit
ed.

“
Good,
”hesaysandki
ssesme.

“
What
?”Di
dhehearwhatIsai
d?

“Good,Iwasst ar
ti
ngt othi
nkIwasapussybecause
Iam fr
eakingoutandever ytimeIlookedatyou;
youjustlookedsobr aveandcer t
ain,
”hescoffed.
“ButasscaredasIam, ever
yt i
meIl ookatyou;Iam
cert
ainthatIam doingtherightthi
ng,”

“
So,
we’
rebot
hpussi
es?
”Isi
ghed.

“
Yeahpr
ett
ymuch,
”wel
aughed.“
Just2pussi
esi
n
l
ove”

Mzamodr oveustothepalace,whenwegott her

e;
wewer emetwi thr
eportersoutsi
det hegate,t
he
mi nut
eourcarappeared,theyallst
ood, somegot
outoftheircar
sandgotcl oser.I
’m sureitwashis
fathert
hatcall
edthem;hej ustwantsto
embar r
assedme.Likhakhaopenedt hedoorforme.
Icanhearcamer ascli
ckingandquest i
onscomi ng
myway.Het ookmyhandasIst eppedoutandt hen
closedthedoorbehindme.

“
Areyour
eady?
”heasked.Inodded.

“Nobuhl
e,whydoyouwanttomar r
yLikhakhawhen
youknowyouarenotf
rom aroyalfamil
y?”

“
Justkeepwal
king?
”Li
khakhasays.
“
Isi
tbecauseofmoney?Power
?”

"
Whoar
eyouwear
ing?Whodesi
gnedyourdr
ess?
"

“Howsur
eareyouthatyouar
egoi
ngt
obegood
enought
obequeen?”

“
Areyout
ryi
ngt
ochanget
her
ulesandt
radi
ti
ons?
”

“
Areyoupr
oudofyour
sel
f?”

Wear efinal
lyinsidet heyar d,butIwasnotal lowed
i
nsi dethehouse.Ihadt ost andbythegat e;wi tht
he
guar d,li
kesomet hief.Likhakhacamet ogetme;
afterbeingsear chedf oronlyGodknowswhatIwas
fi
nal l
yallowedi nsidet hehouse.Iwai t
edint he
l
ivingr oom withLi khakhaoversomej uiceand
biscuits;whichwedi dn’ttouch.Hismom wal kedin
withhi sgrandmot her .Wei mmedi at
elystood, just
asasi
gnofr
espect
.

“Myelder
s,kunj
ani
?”(
Howar
eyou?
)Ihuggedt
he
queen.

“
Youl
ooksobeaut
if
ul,
”shesayst
ome.

“
Thankyou,
mama,
”Isay.

“
Mama,”Likhakhakissedthequeen’scheek.
“
makhul
u,”(granny)hekissedhercheekaswell
.

“Areyour
eady?
”thequeenasked.Webot
hsi
ghed
andnodded.Hi
sgrannytookmyhandsandr
ubbed
them.

“
Thi
sisher
,”shesays.
“
Yesgogo,t
hisi
sher.Thi
sist
hewomanIwantt
o
mar
ry,
Iloveher
”hesays.

“No,t
hisi
sourqueen.Ourrul
er…yourrei
gnhas
begun,
”shesaysl
ookingatmest r
aighti
ntheeyes.

“Mama,i
t’
sgoodtobeposit
ive,
butdon’
tgether
hopesupbef
oret
hemeetingwitht
heelder
s,”

“Mamawesi
zwe,”
(Mot
heroft
henat
ion)shesai
d
andwal
kedout
.
HereIam inther oyalrondavelsi
tti
ngatt hecenter
oftheroom withever yoneelsearoundme.He’ son
theroyalseatandI ’
vebeengi venanor malchairto
seaton.That’sokay.Idon’tcarewher eI’
m sit
ti
ng
ri
ghtnowr eall
y.Ther eheis…hisfather
.Thewayhe
walksmakesmesi ckbutIneedt opretendIli
kehim
andthatIhavenot hingagainsthim.

Li
khakhaopenedt
hemeet
ingbyst
ati
ngoutt
he
reasonsastowhywe’ rehere.Peoplesai
dwhat
theywantedtosay,Ili
stenedtoinsult
sbeing
thrownatme…Ididn’tret
ali
ate.Butnowit’
smyturn
tospeak.Iam act
uallyshockedtheygavemea
chancetoeventalk…whatam Iexpectedtosay.

“Thankyou,myel dersforthi
soppor t
unityt
o
speak,”Isai
dstanding.“Wellbel
ieveitornot,
Idon’
t
wantt obeyourqueen,”theygasped.“ Youmayask
Likhakha,
”

“
That
’sKi
ngf
oryou,
”thef
ormerchi
efsays.

“
Nor
espect
,”someonesays.

“Youmayaskt heki
ng,”Icor
rectedmysel f
.“Idon’
t
wanttobeyourqueen,Ihatethetit
lethisf
ami l
y
holds,
Ihat
ethatchair
…Ihateit.IhatetheKing’
s
surname,
”Isay.Il
ookedathim, “Sorr
ylove,”
“
Igetyoumyl
ove,
”

“That ’stheonl yt hi
ngIhat eaboutyourson, my
fiancé, ourki ng…hissur name.I t’
st oobi g,don’ tyou
think? ”Ilookedathi sfather.Hegr i
maced.“ Iwon’ t
tellyouwhyyoushoul ddefileallyourl awsandl et
memar r yyourki ngsoIcoul dbequeenbecauseI
don’ twantt obeyourqueen.ButIwi llbegyout o
def i
leal lyourl aws,bendt hem soIcoul dbe
Likhakha’ squeen. ”Ilookedatt hef ormerchi ef,“Sir
,
Iloveyourson.Igaveupever ythi
ngt obewi thhim.
Yoursonador eshi speople,hiski ngdom, buthe
alsoador esmeandaski nghi mt ochoosebet ween
thet woi slikeaskinghi mt okillhimself.Howwi llhe
rulet hiski ngdom ifhei snothappy…andImakehi m
happy;agai n,Ihatethet i
tl
emyf i
ancéhol dsbutI
l
ovehi m.Hei smybestf ri
end, mysoul mat e…”

“That’
senough,”amemberoft
hecouncilsays.I
humblysatbackdown.Li
khakhasmil
edatmeandI
smiledback.“
Membersofthecounci
l,
elders…i
s
ther
eanyt
hingel
sebef
oreweaskt
hem t
oexcuse
us?”

“Mypeople,myking,
”hisfat
herstands.“
Iwil
lnot
all
owthis.Mysonwi l
lnotmarryacommoner ;
especi
all
ynotthi
sone.Shehasanomi nouspast
,
shekil
ledamanf orChri
stsake,amanshewas
gett
ingmarri
edtoandcr i
edrape…”

“
Dad!
”Likhakhadi
stur
bedhim.“
That’
senough,
you
mayhaveyourseat
,”t
hequeenstoodup.

“Mypeople.Thet
ragedythathappenedt othi
s
youngladywashorri
fi
candIwoul dliketo
respect
full
yaskt
hatwedonotuset hattojudgeher
capabil
it
ybasedonthat;i
tisnotfai
r,iti
s
arbit
rar
y…”

“
Sheki
ll
edaman,
”thef
ormerki
ngshout
ed.
“Justlett
hekidsgetmar r
ied,
whoar eyout ostand
i
nt hewayoft ruelove.Iam notf
rom ar oyalfamil
y,
butlookatmenow, ”thequeenmot herdroppedthe
bombonal lofus.Everyoneexcl
aimed,including
myself.

“
What
?”herhusbandsays.

“
Mama”
-Li
khakha

“Acleanerfoundmeonherwayt oworkatthe
palace,Iwasjustani
nfant.TheNgubane’
stookme
i
n, t
heyr ai
sedmeastheirown, t
hisi
snotabout
blood.I
t’sabouttr
uel
ove,”shesays.

Ihavebeenaskedt ostepoutsi
de.Theguard
escor
tedmei nside.Surpr
isi
ngl
yhewasni ce…some
minutesl
aterLikhakhajoi
nedme.
“
Isever
ythi
ngokay,
”IjumpedwhenIsawhim.He
t
ookmyhandandwal kedmebacktothecouchI
wassit
ti
ngon.Hetookasipfr
om t
hej
uiceIwas
of
fer
edwhichIdi
dn’tt
ouch.

“Thatissomet
hingel
seright
…,”hesai
daf
ter
keepingmeundersuspense.

“Tel
lmeabouti t,
”theat mosphereissot ense.He
gentlygotholdofthet i
pofmychi nandt ur nedme
tofacehim, heplantedasof tki
ssonmyl ipsthen
analyzedthem l
ikether ewassomet hingdiffer
ent
aboutthiskissormyl ips.Hekissedmeagai nand
star
edatmyl i
ps…“ Ilikethisli
psti
ck.Itdoesn’tstai
n
me,”hebr ushedmyl owerl i
pcareful
ly.Ithinkhe
wasshockedbecausehi sthumbcamebackcl ean.
“i
sitpermanent?”Ilaughed.

“No…howcanl
ipst
ickbeper
manent
.It
’sj
ustmat
te,
”
Isai
d.

“
Andi
zazi
kal
oki
zint
ozabaf
azi
,
”(Idon’
tknowt
hese
woment
hings)

“Asikhoisi
zathusokwazii
zint
ozabafazi
andithi
…yaziezalouphamb’
kwakhoumf azi,
”
(There’
snor easontoknowwoment hings…just
knowt hi
ngsaboutt hewomanr i
ghtf
rontofyou)I
saidandkissedhi m.

“Ndlovukazi,
”(Myqueen)hesaidbowi
nghi
sheada
l
itt
le.“Ilovedyourspeechbyt
heway.I
twas
beautiful,
”

“
Iloveyou,
”Isai
dandki
ssedhi
m passi
onat
ely.

“
Iloveyout
oomyl
ove,
”

[
01/
05,
13:
56] : ENTRY71
DONOTGOWHERETHEPATHMAYLEAD,
GO
I
NSTEADWHERETHEREI
SNOPATHANDLEAVE
ATRAI
L.
-
Ral
phWal
doEmer
son

We’vebeensit
tingherewait
ingtobecalledbackt o
themeeti
ng.Likhakhacoul
dn’tbethereaswel leven
thoughhe’
sking.Itwoul
dbeconf li
ctofi
nterest.
Justli
keadetecti
vecan’ti
nvesti
gateafamil
y
member ’
scase.

“Mtshana, ”(
nephew)hi sunclewalkedi n.“They’
d
l
iket oseeyou, ”Ithi
nkbot hourheartsstopped.
Thisi sit…Ithink.Thisi
st hemomentwe’ vebeen
waitingf orforthepast6year s,we’vebeenwai t
ing
forhisf ami l
yt ogiveusthepermissiont obe
together ,permissiontoloveoneanot herforall
eternity.
“Wear eonourway,”hesai
dtaki
ngmyhandaswe
stood.Hisuncl
eexcusedus.Ist
art
edf
ixi
nghi
sti
e.
“Thisi
sit”

“Il
oveyouwit
hbothmybut tcheeksbecausewhen
combinedt
heyarebiggert
hanmyhear t,
”he
l
aughedasherestedhisheadonmyshoul der
s.

“Touchdown;youwi l
lbet
hewei
rdestqueent
his
kingdom haseverhad,
”

Icuppedhi
sf acei
ntomyhands,
“Il
oveyouso
muchLikhakhaDali
ndyebo,
”

“
Iloveyout
oo,
Nobuhl
eDal
indyebo,
”

Wemadeourwayout .Handinhand;l
ikekingand
queenwi
thaguardbehindandbefor
eus.Wegot
i
ntother
oyalhut
,Li
khakhaassumedhi sposit
ion.I
satonthenor
malchairt
heygaveme.Af
tert
hat
;
Vuyo’
smom walkedin.

“Dal
indyebo,
”shekneltbef
oreLikhakha
acknowledgi
nghispresence.ShouldIgr
eetherI
meanIknowherbutwhati sshedoinghere;

“Nobuhl e,
”oneoft hecounci lmember ssays.Igave
him myat t
ention.“Aftersomedi scussi onswe
decidedt hatitisnotfairt otakeyouawayf rom our
son,whocl earl
yt r
ulylovesyou, ”Ismi l
edand
glancedatLi khakha, hei salsot ryingtocont ainhis
smi l
e.“But,wecannotdef il
eourr ulesandl eta
commonersuchasyout oascendupont hatt hrone
whenyouar enotofr oyalbl ood.Royal tyr ecogni zes
royalty,
”andmysmi lewaswi pedawayf rom my
face.Ididn’tlookatLi khakhat hi
st imear ound;I
didn’twantt oseet hedi sappoi ntmentIf elt.
“Wheneverwechangeki ngsorqueens, t
heyhavet o
under goacer tainprocess…t hatis;theyneedt ogo
tother i
veroft heDal i
ndyebo’ swi t
hasacr if
ice,”
whatthehelli
sthi
smant alki
ngabout?Ariver
?I
l
ookedatLikhakhawithconfusi
ontryi
ngtoget
answersfr
om hisface.Hejustl
ookedshocked.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
Idon’
tfol
low,
ari
ver
…asacr
if
ice?
”Isai
d.

“Youwillt
akeslaughteredmeatandputi tonyour
headandt hengoinsidet herivert
ogiveitasa
sacri
fi
ce,theywil
ltakeitiftheyacceptyouifyou
aremeantt orul
etheirkingdom, ”

“
Howwi
llIknowwhent
heydon’
tacceptt
hemeat
?”

“
Sacr
if
ice”Li
khakha’
sfat
hercor
rect
sme.

“Howwi l
lIknowwhent
heydonotacceptmeort
he
sacr
if
ice?”
“Onl
ywewil
lknow,youwon’
tbecauseyouwi
llbe
dead”myt
onguegotdry.
“
Why?Whyshoul
dIdi
e?”Iut
ter
ed.

“Thegreatsnakeoftheriverwil
lkil
lyouunder
waterandthesacri
ficewillcomeup.I fyoucomeup
andthesacrif
icedoesn’t
;thenwewi llstar
t
prepar
ingforaweddi ngandani naugurati
on
ceremonyforyou,”

“
Asnake!
”Icr
ied.

“Baby,calm down…”Li
khakhasays.Ilookedat
Vuyo’smom;shehadar eassur
inggaze.Ican’
tgo
i
ntoar iverandgivesomesnakemeat ,
Imeant he
minutet hemight
ystupidsnakesmel l
sblood,i
twil
l
comer unningatmydi r
ection.I
sthatevenreal
…

“Thi
sisther
oyalt
radit
ionalheal
er,
shewil
lgui
de
youthr
oughtheprocess,
”hesayspoint
ingat
Vuyo’
smom.
“
Asnake!”Icr
iedagai
n.“Li
khakha,
Ican’tgoint
oa
r
iver
.Iwil
ldi
e…themightybi
gsnakewilleatmeup
t
hemi nut
ethemeattouchesthewater
.Thisi
s
madness,
”

“
It
’st
hegr
eatsnakebaby,
”Li
khakhasays,

“
Yest
hat
,”

“
Thengobackhome,
”hi
sfat
hersays.

“Baby,youhavet
odothi
s.Youwil
lbefi
ne.I
promiseyou…youar
emeanttoberi
ghtnextt
ome,
”

“
Excuseme,”Ij
umpedf
rom mychai
randheaded
f
orthedoor
.
“
Thi
sgi
rlcan’
tbeourqueen,
shehasnor
espect
,”
someonesaysasIwal kedout
.Ir
anintot
hel
ivi
ng-
room t
obreathe.Li
khakhawal
kedinand
i
mmedi at
elyhuggedme.

“
Iam soscar
ed…whatift
hemight ybi
gsnakeeat
s
meup?”Isai
dbreat
hingheavi
ly.Hegiggl
ed.

“Youj ustcan’tl
earn,it
’st heGr eatsnake.It
’sthe
fi
rstkingt hi
skingdom haseverhad, ”hesaysandI
canj usthearinhisvoi cehowmuchhej ustloves
thi
ski ngdom andi t
’shi story.Hetalksabouti twit
h
passion.“ Apparent
ly,hel ovedgoi ngtother i
ver,t
o
beal onethereandj ustr elax;onedayhewentt here
andnevercameback.I nsteadpeopl ejustkept
seeingt hatsnakeandt heyneverusedt oseei t
beforehedi ed.Legendhasi tourgreatkingis
i
nsidet heGr eatsnakewat chingaf t
erthekingdom,”

“
Babe,t
hatstor
ydoesn’
tmakemeanyl essscar
ed,
i
tmakesthi
ngsworse.Nowthere’
sanoldman
i
nsi
deasnake”Ibi
tonmynai l
.
“
Youwil
lrui
nyourper
manentl
ipsti
ck,
”hesays
movi
ngmyhandawayf r
om mylips.

“
Youj
ustneverl
ear
n,i
t’
samat
tel
ipst
ick,
”Isai
d.

“Wehavetodot
hecer
emonyt
omor
row,
myl
ove,
”
hesays.
“
Tomor
row,
”Isai
dundermybr
eat
h.

“Tomorrow,
tonightwewil
lst
artpr
epari
ng,
”I
nodded.Iam soscaredmypanti
escoul
dfallof
f.

Mybr other
shadtopurchaseagoattoslaught
er
becauseapparentl
ythesacri
fi
cehastocomef r
om
mysi deofthefamil
ysinceI’
mtheonegoingtobe
eatenbyasnake.Iwonderhowbi gi
sthatsnake
thatawholemancanl iveini
t?

Theyhi
dmei
nther
oom t
hatusedt
obemi
newhen
Iwasst il
lworki
ngher e.It
s3o’ cl
ockint
hemorning,
Iam sleepyandt ir
ed,buttheceremonyhastostart
nowandIhaven’ tseenLikhakhaoranyofmy
brothers.Vuyo’
smom wentt ogetmeawhi t
ecloth
towr aparoundmybodyandar oundmyhead.She
alsobroughtcalami netopaintal
lovermybody.
Likhakha’smom wal kedin.

“Sanalwam,
”(mychi
ld)shesaysandst
art
shel
ping
Vuyo’smom t
opai
ntmybody.

“
Mamawesi
zwe,
”Vuyo’
smom sang.

“
Mama,
Iam soscar
ed,
”

“
Don’
tbescar
edNobuhl
e,
”Vuyo’
smom says.

“Thi
sisnotsomeCi
nderel
last
ory,
happi
lyever
-
aft
ersar
etvthi
ngs…i
fther
eisreal
lyasnakedown
t
her
ethenIam dead,
thi
sisr
eall
if
e.”Isay.

“
That
’st
hethi
gwi t
hyouNobuhl e,
”thequeensays.
“
Youdon’
tbel
ieveinanyt
hingexceptwhatyousee,
”

“It
’seasi
ertobeli
eveinwhatIsee,becauset
her
eis
nodenyingit’
sreal.I
t’
sbel
ievabl
ebeyond
reasonabl
edoubt,”

“Beyondreasonabledoubt,“Vuyo’smom chuckl
es.
“Youneedtoleavet hatl
awschoolEngl i
shanddeal
withtheancestor
s.Theyar ecall
ingyou…youwere
bornforsuchat i
meast his,”

Wewer ethencal ledtothethr

onewher ewef ound
Li
khakhaandt her estoft
heelders.Vuyo’smom
i
nstruct
edmet osi tonthefl
oor;whichIobeyed.I
am socold,Ican’tevenspeakpr operly.Icanfeel
myf i
ngersfreezingup;Iam notdr essed,nowI
havetositont hi
scol dhardground.Il i
ter
all
ydid
notsi
gnupfort
his.Shedr
apedsomebeadsover
meandthenopenedasmallbagmadeoutof
ani
malski
n.

“Vuthelaapha, ”(Blowi nher e)shesai dandIobeyed.

“Givemeyourl efthand,”Idid.Shehadabl adewith
herandshedi dwhatIt houghtshe’ sdo, shecutme,
Iimmedi at
elyst art
edbleedi ng.“Nkosiyam, ”(My
king)Likhakhacameoverandknel tbeforeus;she
alsocuthi shand.Sheaskedust osqueezeour
bleedinghandsi ntoasmal lglassj arthathaddirt
y
l
ookingwat er.Weobeyed.Li khakhaseemedqui te
comf ortabl
ewi thallofthi
s.Hedi dn’tfli
nchorshow
signsofdoubt ;hej ustwentwi t
ht hef l
ow.Likhakha
wentbackt ohi sseatandl ef tmewi thVuyo’smom
andherwei rdancest orthings.

“Mathongaamahl e,
”(Beaut
if
ulancestor
s)shesaid,
“BoDali
ndyeboabahle,”(
Beauti
fulDal
indyebos)
“Sibi
zakunimathongaamakhul u,
”(Wecallonyou
greatancest
ors)shepausedandgr oaned.Iam
scar ed.Thet hingswedof orlovet hough…” Unyana
wenuuf unaukut hat hanant siintombazaneayenze
undl unkuluwesi zwesenu, ”(Yoursonwant stot ake
thi
sgi r
landmakehert hequeenofyourki ngdom, )
shepausedf orami nute.Thatf eltl
ikeami nute,it
wasj ustwayt oolong.Shekeptwi ncingand
groani nginbet ween.“ Sizakuniphant sikwamanzi ,
khanyi selanilomnt wanai ndlela…mamkel eni,
”( We
arecomi ngtoyouundert hewat er,l
ightthewayf or
thi
schi l
d,welcomeher …)shel ift
edupherheadand
l
ookedatme, chil
lsimmedi atelywentdownmy
spineandmywhol ebodywentnumb.“ Ungubani ?”
(Whoar eyou? )sheasked.Iwasal i
ttl
econf used,
Vuyo’ smom knowswhoIam.Sheknowswhowas
sit
tingbef oreher …

“
Nobuhl
eMqokel
i,
”Isai
dtr
embl
ing.

“I
yooo”shegroaned.“
Ungubani,
”whenshespokeI
knewIwasn’tspeaki
ngt oVuyo’
smom anymore.I
canfeeli
tinmybodyt hatsomethi
nghasj
ustt
aken
overher
.

“Ndi
nguNobuhleMqokeli
,
”(Iam NobuhleMqokel
i)I
sai
dlouder
.WhenIlookedupitwasdarkallar
ound
us.That
’swhenIr
eall
ystart
edpanicki
ng.

“
Likhakha!
”Ical
led.

“Justl
ist
entoher,”Iheardhim saybutIcouldn’
t
seehim.itwasjustdarkaroundus;allIcouldsee
wasVuyo’smom.Vuyo’ smom –orwhat everwas
i
nsideofher-startedchant
ingandhummi ng,her
eyeswerewhiteandt heywerest ar
ingst
raightat
me.

“Ndij
ongent ombazanendini
,”(l
ookatmeyoung
l
ady,)Iobeyed.Myeyesar eteari
ngbecauseIam
scared.Idon’tknowwhatI’mlookingatbutIknow
forsurethatthisi
snotVuyo’smom.Herf acefell
,
whenshel ookedbackatme, hereyeslooked
normal,shewasVuyo’
smom again.“Basil
indi
le,
”
(Theyarewait
ingf
orus)shesays.Nowt hi
si s
Vuyo’smom.Icheckedmysurroundi
ngsand
everyt
hingwasbacktonormal
.

Vuyo’smom andIwalkedt otheri

verwhi
let
her est
ofthefamil
ymember sandel der
stookacar.She
hadmecover edwit
habl anketfr
om topt
otoe.Iam
al
sobar ef
oot,j
usti
maginet hehorr
or.
“Mama,
”Ical
ledher
.IhopeI’
m all
owedtospeakt
o
her
.Ort
oevenspeakinthi
ssituat
ion;

“I
’mli
steni
ng,
”shehasherar
m aroundmy
shoul
derstogui
demystepssinceIcannotseet
he
way.

“
Thatwasnotyouspeaki
ngt
her
e,”

“
Areyouaski
ngmeort
ell
ingme?
”
“Iam aski
ngyouandtel
li
ngyouatt
hesamet
ime,
”I
say,“
Ican’tbr
eat
heunderthi
sbl
anket
,”

“
Stayther
e,t
heseenandunseencannotseeyou
r
ightnow,
”
“
Okay,
”

“Thathasneverhappenedtomebef ore.The
Dali
ndyeboancestorseemstohavet akenovermy
body;Iwasstandingri
ghtbehi
ndmyownbody
watchingt
hewhol eeventunf
old.Li
keinadr eam,
”

“
Iwasscar
ed,
”

“Youmustbeprett
yspecialthatt
heyhadt ocome
themsel
ves.Thi
shasnevereverhappenedt ome
befor
e…i
twasconf usi
ngbutagr eatexper
ience,
”
shesaysandsighssoftl
y,l
ikeshewassat i
sfi
ed.“I
al
sosawsomet
hing”

“
Whatwast
hat
?”Iasked.

“
Ther
ewasf
ir
einyoureyes,
”

“
Fir
e?Li
ker
ealbl
azi
ngf
ir
e?”

“Realfi
re…youarear arebreedNobuhle,youar
e
power f
ulandstrongandwi lldogreatt
hingsf
orthi
s
kingdom.Iperceive”shesays.“HeadupNobuhle,
toughenyourhear t…i
ts’
time,”

We’rehere.Li
khakha’sfamil
yisher ealr
eady
wait
ingforus.They’vestar
tedafire,Idon’tknow
forwhat.Wetookthebucketwi t
ht he‘sacrifi
ce’
and
headedfortheri
ver.Thisismyriver,meandmy
mom’ sri
ver…t
hisiswher ewegetoutwat er.Thi
sis
whereIcomet obreatheandment allydetox.
Anyway,Li
khakhaandhi
sfamil
ystayedbackaswe
appr
oachedthewater
.Sheknel
tdownbyt her
iver
bankandpull
edmedownt omyknees.

“Sesif
iki
lemat hongaamahl e,
”(Wear ehere
beautif
ulancest ors)“Sif
ikil
emat hongaamakhul u,
”
(Wear eheregr eatancest ors)“Yenzani
enikut
handayo, ”(Doasyoupl ease)Il
ookedather;
no…theyshoul dn’tdoast heyplease.Iftheydon’
t
wantmet heymustj ustletmego.Shepul l
edmeto
myf eet,openedt hebucketandt henst art
ed
headingback.

“
Don’
tgo,
”Ibegged.Iam soscar
ed.

“Ican’tbeher
e;Ican’
tseewhatwi
llhappennext
…I
willbether
ewiththefami
lyt
owelcomeyouwhen
youcomeback”

“
Andi
fIdon’
t?”
“Iwi l
lcomeandcol l
ectt hebucket ,
”sheheaded
back.Myf eettouchedt hewat erandIwi nced, this
wat erispracticall
yfrozen.Theydi dn’tevenal low
mybr otherstobeher e.Whent heyhear daboutt his
theybeggedmet oreconsi der,theyevensai dt hey’d
hookmeupwi thsomeoft heirZulufriendst hat
havebeenaski ngaboutme.Iwal kedf urt
herand
furtherintothewat er ,
If eelli
kemyor gansar e
freezingup.Thewat erisnowupt omyneck.Ikept
wal ki
ngunt ilmywhol ebodywasunderwat er.Al ot
i
sj usthappeni ngormaybei t
’smymi ndplayi ng
tri
cksonme, butIcanf eelmybodydyi ngoutonme,
IthinkI’mf reezingtodeat h.Am Isupposedt osee
thishugesnake, i
t’
slooki ngatme, Iwanttoswi m
awayorscr eam oranyt hing.Am Ir eall
yseei ngal l
ofthis?NowIheari ndist i
nctchant i
ngand
hummi ng.Ican’ tmove…Ineedhel p.

[
01/
05,
13:
56] : ENTRY72
AMANRESERVESHISTRUEANDDEEPESTLOVE
NOTFORTHESPECIESOFWOMANI NWHOSE
COMPANYHEFINDSHIMSELFELECTRI
FIEDAND
ENKI
NDLED,
BUTFORTHATONEI NWHOSE
COMPANYHEMAYFEELTENDERLYDROWSY.
-
Geor
geJeanNat
han

Thel
astthi
ngIr
ememberi
sfeel
ingmybody
ti
ght
eni
ngandfr
eezi
ngup.

“Buhl
e,openyoureyes,
”Ihear
davoice.Icanmove.
Am Idead?Icoughedandthenopenedmyeyes.I
sawLikhakhaandVuyo’smom kneel
ingoverme.

“
Isawi
t,
”Isai
dint
hemi
ddl
eofcoughi
ng.

“Yousawwhat ?”avoi
ceaskedcomingf
rom behi
nd
Likhakha.Icoughedagai
n,har
derthi
sti
me.
Likhakhasatmeupst rai
ght
.
“
Isawi
t,t
hebi
grept
il
e,
”Iam shi
ver
ing.

“
Dalindyeboabakhul
u”(
GreatDal
indyebos)hi
s
f
atherexclai
med.

“
Let’
sgobackhome,
”Li
khakhasays.“
We’
l
ltal
k
whenshe’
swarm,
”

Vuyo’smom andIwal kedbackagai n;Idon’tt

hinkI
candot hi
sanymor e.Ican’t
!Ican’t
…Iam cold,
barefoot
,hungry,sl
eepyandscar edofwhatIsaw.
Fortunat
elyforme;thi
st i
mear ound,Idi
dn’thaveto
covermyselfwithablanketfrom headtotoe.Now
theycanseeme.

“
Mama,
”Ical
ledVuyo’
smom.

“
Thesnakebr
oughtyoubackexact
lyast
hesun
wasr
isi
ng”shesays.“I
tdoesn’tbr
inganyoneback,
t
heycomebackforthemselves”

“
DidIdosomet
hingwr
ong?
”Iasked.

“No,
defi
nit
elynot
;seeIwasi
nst
ruct
edt
okeepan
eyeonyoumanyyearsagowhenyouwerebor
n,”

“
Inst
ruct
edbywho?
”Iasked.

“
TheDal
indyeboancest
ors,
”

“Wait
,soyouknewIwast heone?”shenodded.
“Thenwhydidn’tyouj
usttellt
hem t
hatsowecould
skipt
hishor
rif
yingpar
t,”

Sheshookherheadandsaid,
“It
’saprocess,
ithad
tobedone.Ar
eyoureadyforyourrei
gn?”she
l
ookedatme.

“
Am Isupposedt
obe?
”

Shesi ghedi nsatisfaction, “

Thankyoumygr eat
ancest ors,”shesai dlooki ngupt ot heski eswi t
ha
smi le.Whenwegott ot hepal acemybr otherswer e
waitingbyt hegat ewi tht herestoft her oyalf ami l
y
waitingt owel comeme.Al lIknowi st hatI ’
mt i
red
andIj ustwantmyman.Af t
ersomesi nging,
danci ngandunnecessar yeat ingt hingswer ef i
nally
calmeddown.Mybr ot hersleftpr ettyqui ck, t
hey
j
ustwant edtomaket hatt hest r
ongsnakedi dn’teat
me.Remembert heglassj arwi t
hdi r
tywat erwher e
LikhakhaandIsqueezedoutourbl oodi n?Iwas
askedt opourhal fofthatwat erintomybat hi
ng
wat er,Li khakhausedt heot herhal f.Iobeyed.
Honest ly;att hispointIj ustreallydon’ tcar eabout
whatt heyaskmet odo, Imeani fI’vegoneunder
ther ivert oser vesomesnake, what ’
st hewor stthey
canaskmet odonow?Imi ghthavesol dmysoult o
thedevilforal
lIknow.I ’
mj ustgl
adIgettobewi t
h
myLi khakhanow.Heaskedhi suncl
eandadvi sor
totakecar eofthingsforthedaywhilehetookcar e
ofme.We’ r
einhisbedcuddl edup…nowt hisiswhat
Isignedupf or.Iam comingdownwi thacol d,Ican
feeli
t.Mywhol ebodyjusthurts,mythr
oatisdr y
andIj ustwon’tstopshiveri
ng.

“Baby,
wakeup…uyaphupha,”(Youaredreami
ng)I
fel
tawarm handonmyf ace.Ipeel
edmyeyesopen
andsawLikhakha.“
Ithi
nkyouar ehavi
ngabad
dream,
”

“Yeah,Iam,”Isni
ff
ed.“
Thissnakej
ustmessedme
up…t heminut
eIdozeoffIf
eelli
kei
t’
swrappi
ngit
s
bigandslimybodyaroundme,”heki
ssedmy
forehead.

“Vuyo’
smom i
smaki
ngaf
lur
emedyf
oryou,
you’
l
l
befinei
nnot
ime,
”
“
Thankyout oher,she’
sveryki
nd,
”Isnuggl
ed
mysel
fclosertohischest
.“Idi
dn’
tknowshewas
t
heroyalhealer
,”

“
Idi
d,”hesays.

Ipinchedhischest
,“Ofcourseyoudi
d,”It
il
tedmy
headbacksoIcoul dlookathim.“
Didyougot ot
he
ri
ver?”Iasked.

“
Yeah,
”

“
Didyouseei
t?Thewondersnake?
”

“TheGr
eatsnakel
ove,andno…Ididn’
t.Ij
ustr
oseup
andwalkedbackt
otheriverbank,
”
It’
sbeenaboutf ourweekssi ncemyunder water
exper i
ence;Ipromi seyou, I
’
m amer maid.It’
sbeen
hectic.NowI ’
mi nbedf aci
ngt heceili
ngt r
yingt o
cont r
olmybr eathing.It’
s5o’ cl
ocki nthemor ning
andal readytherei salotofchaosgoi ngonar ound
thehouse.Wel li
t’sbeenchaot icsincetheweek
began.Icoul dn’tsleeplastnightmybr othersand
theirfr
iendshavebeensi ngingandget t
ingdr unk.
PalesaandKhanyahavebeendoi ngwhatwi vesdo;
cook.Theyt ookmyphoneandl ockedmei nside
thisroom.Appar entl
ythebr i
de/queencannotbe
seenbyanyone-especi all
yt hegroom -theday
beforeandbef or etheweddi ng.

Ohyes!I ’
m getti
ngmar r
iedandinaugurat edtoday.
Final
ly!Thisdayt ookforevert
ofinall
ycome, Ijust
wantt ogetoutofher e,walkdownt hatisleand
mar r
yt hemanofdr eams, mymani nshi ning
armour ,mypr i
ncechar mingandlit
erall
ymyki ng.I
hearaknockont hewindow.Iwalkedoverj ustto
checkwhot hatis?It’
sprobabl
yadr unkguy.I
pull
edt hecurtai
nasi deandwasshockedatwhatI
saw.GreatDal
indyeboancestor
s…t hi
sguy!Whatis
thisguydoi
ngher e?Iqui
ckl
yreleasedthecur
tain
from mygri
pallowingitt
ofr
eelyflowbacktoplace.

“Uyagul
a,uzokwenzaniapha?”(Ar
eyousick?What
areyoudoinghere?)Iasked.“
You’r
enotsupposed
toseemebef or
et hewedding”

“
Buhle,
I’
m pr
ettysureyoudon’
tcareaboutwhet
her
weseeeachotherornot,
”hesays.

“
Butyourmom sai
d…”

“Iknowwhatmom sai d,
shesaysal otofthi
ngs”he
cutmeshor t,
“butIneedt oseemywi fenow…all
theserul
esandt radi
ti
onsaregetti
ngtomyhead.
Wear egett
ingmar ri
edinaf ewhours…andI’
m
panicki
ng,I
’m scared,
”
“
Areyouhavi
ngsecondt
hought
s?”

“
That
’snotwhatI
’
m sayi
ng”hesays.

“Thenwhatar eyousayingBaby? ”Iasked.I

swallowedfearinatt
emptt osoundst r
ong,fi
rm and
l
ikeIcompletelygotthi
s.Truthofthemat t
erisIam
dyinginthi
sroom.Idon’ tknowwhat ’
shappening
outsi
deandnowhewant stobreakrulesthatwere
setbyoureldersbecausehei sscared.Howt he
heckIam Isupposedt ofeelnow?

“Openthewi ndow,l
etmeseeyou, ”heasked.Ihad
toopen–ImeanIdon’ treall
ybel i
eveinthese
supersti
ti
onsandol dtales.“Comeher e”he
stret
chedopenhi sarmsandIwenti nst r
aightfora
kiss.“
Wellthat’
stoosoon.Awul indinomf undi
si,”
(Youdon’tevenwaitfort hepriest)webot hgiggled
overthatthencamet oasi lence.
“I
’
dbel yingifIsai
dIwasn’
tscar
ed,
I’
mfr
eaki
ng
out,
”Isighedsharply.

“
Whati
fIsuckatbei
ngahusband?
”

“
Whatifthi
slandperishesbecauseofus?Whatif
wearenotri
ghtforeachother?WhatifI
’m abad
wif
e…”

“You’
resupposedt obethesmar tandwisespouse,”
hekissedthebackofmyl ef
thand.“I
fanythi
ngour
peopleareblessedtohaveyouast hei
rqueen;and
soam I,”hecuppedmyf acewi t
hhishandsand
plant
edal ongandassuringkissonmyf orehead.

“I’
mluckyt ohaveyou,
”Isai
dandsmi l
ed.Hesmi l
ed
andlookeddeepi nt
omyeyesandIknewt hereand
thenIwaswher eIshouldbe.Iki
ssedhi
m again;he
didn’
tholdback.Hekissedmewi t
heveryat
om of
hisbei
ng, Icoul
dfeeli
nhisgri
paroundmywai st
thatthi
swasn’tj
ustanyordinarykiss;i
nf act–he
hasnevereverkissedmelikethis.Hethenbur i
ed
hisfaceinmyneck.Afterafewsecondsof
hesit
ati
onhefinall
yrel
easedme.“ Iwil
lseeyou
whenwegetmar ri
edthen.
”

“You’l
lfi
ndmer i
ghttherewaiti
ngforyou,
I
promise,”heblewmeaki ssandthenwalkedaway.
“Wearsomet hingprett
y,it
’sadate,
”headdedashe
disappearedintothecorner.

Ok,it
’stimet obeMr s.Dalindyebo.Iam
ready…ever yt
hingthathappenedwasf orthi
s
moment .Dad, Rhadebe, Li
ndani,mybrother
sand
Gaba…t hisisit.I
t’
s7: 30…theceremonywi l
lbe
start
ingatni ne;Iam alldressedup.Palesaand
Khanyaar ehereinmyr oom wi t
hmehel pi
ngme
withever yt
hing.Ther e’
saknockont hedoor.
“
Whoi
sit
?”Pal
esashout
ed.
“I
t’
sus,
”oneofthem shout
edfr
om behi
ndthedoor.
Theboys;Pal
esaopenedand4meni nbl
ackand
whit
etuxli
ter
all
ytookmybreat
haway.Thefour
th
manisMonwabi si
.

“Damn!Youguysl
ooksexy!
”Khanyai
sshocked
andsoam I;mybr
other
scleanupver
ywell
,Imean
l
ookatthem.

“
Lookatyouguys,
”Mandl
asays.

“Buhle,youlookbeaut
if
ul.Li
khakhai
sonel
ucky
bastard,”Mzamosays.

“
Wow…”Moexcl
aimed.

“
Mamawesi
zwe,
”Mzisai
dki
ssi
ngmyhand.
“Letmet al
ktot
hegang;gir
lspl
easetakeMowit
h
you,”IgaveMoakissontheli
ps.“You’
rei
nchar
ge,
”
PalesaandKhanyaobeyed.

“Areyouaboutt
ogetmushyandst
uff
?”Mandl
a
says.

“No,
”Ifixedhi
stie,
“Ijustwanttohaveapr
operl
ook
atyou.Youalll
ooklikeourfat
her,
”Isai
d.

“Youlookl
ikemom,
”Mzisays,“
Iwi
shtheywer
e
bothheret
oseeyoubecomingawoman,”

Aphoner
ings;i
t’
sMandl
a’s.

“
OK,
NDI
YEZA,
”(I
’
M COMI
NG,
)hesai
d.

“
Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
”Iasked.
“
Mandl
a,nobusi
nesst
odaypl
ease…”Mzi
begs.

“I
t’
snotbusi ness, Ipromise.Justgivemea
minute…st ayher e,allofyou,”heranout.Helef
tus
al
lconf used, butwedi dashesaid;wewai tedfor
hi
m.Ij usthopehei snotupt oanythingfunny
becausei fher ui
nst hi
sdayf orme,IpromiseyouI
wil
lsli
thi swr istswithmyt eeth,

“
Ili
keyourmake-up,i
t’
sver
ysi
mple,
”Mzi
says
r
emovingsomethingfr
om myhead.

“
Khanyadi
ditandPal
esaf
ixedmyhai
r,
”Isay.

Mandlawal
kedi nandshutthedoorbehi
ndhi
m.He
thenst
oodagainstthedoorasthoughhewas
hidi
ngsomet
hing.
“
Whatisi
t?”Mziaskedaf
teranawkwar
dpr
olonged
momentofsi
lence.

“
Guys,Iknowthisdayisnotaboutme…butIfeel
l
ikeIneedtot
ellyouguysthi
stoday,
”hesays,he
l
ooksabitner
vous.
“
Boy,di
dyouki
llsomeone?
”Mzi
askedshi
ft
inghi
s
wei
ghtt
ooneside.

“
Didyougetagi
rlpr
egnant
?”Mzamoasks.

“
Okay,It
hinkweshoul
dlethi
mtal
k,
”Whyishe
f
reaki
ngout.Hel
ookssoshyandj
ustscar
ed.

“Thankyou,si
s,
”hetakesadeepbreathinand
slowl
yout.Heisfr
eakingoutri
ghtnow.Iwalked
overtohi
m andgotholdofhishands.

“
Mandl
a,i
t’
sokay.Youcant
alkt
ous…”Isai
d.
“Yeahboy,
tal
ktousman,
”Mandl
arest
edhi
shand
onMandla’
sshoul
der
.

“DoIneedt
oki
llsomeone?
”Mzamot
ookast
ep
closer
.

“Chil
l,wedon’
tneednoneoft hatnow…”Mandl a
saidandsighed.“Buhl
e,youknowhowwhenwe
fi
ghtIalwaysI’
m amanandt heninresponseyou’
d
askwhosemanam I ?”Inodded.“
Okay, pl
easesi
t,
allofyou…”weallsatdownonmybedashe
i
nst r
ucted.
Heopenedt hedoor, “
Comei n,”hesays.Ayoung
manabouthi sagewal kedinwear ingadust ypi
nk
blazerandpantswithawhi l
eshi rtunder…hehasno
ti
eonandhi sshir
tisnotbut tonedallthewayup;
hischestisshowing.Heistallaboutt heboys’
height,oral
it
tl
etall
er.Heisyel l
owandhi sli
psare
veryplumpandpi nk.Hehasoneoft hosef ancy
haircut
sandhishai ri
sverydar k;dyeIpresume.
Theboysanalysedhimf rom t
optot oe…Ij
ustkepta
smil
eonwai ti
ngforthi
sscenar i
otounf ol
dit
self.
“Thi
sisNjabuloJacobs…heis,Iam…see…he, fuck!
!”
hewasget t
ingfr
ustrat
ing.Thi
sNj abuloguy
squeezedMandla’
shand.Whati nt heworld.

“
Speakboy!
”Mzi
’
stonewasal
it
tl
eaggr
essi
ve.

“
Bhut
i,gi
vehi
m somet
ime,
”Ispokeonhi
sbehal
f.

“Njabul
oismyboyfri
end…we’vebeendatingfora
whilenowandhemakesmever yhappy.Ireal
lyl
ike
him,sotoansweryourquesti
onsis;Iam hi
sman…”
hesighed.“
OhandI ’
m gay”NokiddingSherl
ock.

“Sani
bonani
”(Gr
eet
ings)Yel
lowguyspoke.Hei
s
Zuluandhasareal
l
ydeepvoi ce…wel
ldamnMandl
a.

“
Fuck!
”-
Mzamo.
“
Mzamo,
”Isai
dundermybr
eat
h.

“Doyouknowwhat
’sfuckedupabout?”says
Mzamo.Ohsweetheavens…shi
tisabouttogo
down.

“Bhut
’wam,l
et’
snotdothi
snow,
”Isaid.“Wehavea
weddingi
naboutanhoursol
et’
sjustallst
ay
calm…”

“What’sfuckedaboutt hisisthat,
you, ”hepointedat
me, “
want edt omarryaZul uhunkandt hen,
”he
dir
ectedhi sindexfi
ngert oMandla, “yourbrother
,
showsuponyourweddi ngdaywi thaZul uhunk…
forhi
msel fthought.”Weal ll
aughedsohar d
i
ncludingt heyell
owguy.Hej ustfi
ttedinper f
ectl
y;
j
ustnothi scompl exion.Heisevenl ightert
hanIam.

“
Nicet
omeetyouNj
abul
oJacobs,
”Iopenedmy
ar
msandhecamei nforahug.Sweetcreat
orhe
smel
lsgorgeous.Mybrot
hersalsogavehima
manl
yhandshake.Boyam Igladther
ewasno
dr
amathere.“Bytheway;I
’veal
waysknown
Mandl
a,”

“
Howtheheckdi
dyou?”heaskedshocked.“
Itr
ied
t
obesecr
eti
veabouti
t,
”

“
I’
m awoman,
Ial
waysknowt
hings…”

“Youwomenjusthavet
hesewei
rdabi
li
ti
es,
”Mzi
says.“
Idi
dn’
tnoti
ceshi
t,
”

“So;youguysar
eokaywit
hthi
s?”Mandl
aasksst
il
l
shockedatthet
urnout
.

“Comeonboy!We’
refamil
y…youshoul
dhavet
old
usaboutt
hiswayback,
”Mzipul
ledMandl
atohi
s
chestandhuggedhi
m.
“You’remyli
tt
lebrot
herman, ai
n’tnot
hingchanged
aboutyou.Youstil
lthatannoyi
ngassspoiltt
hatwe
allknowandlove…”saidMzamo.

“
Youhavenoideahowhappyhear
ingt
hismakes
me,
”-
Mandla,

“Butli
keIsaid,
”Mzamol ookedatNjabul
o.His
expressi
onwentfrom sweett osourinamatterof
seconds.“Heissti
llmyl it
tl
ebrot
herandifyou
breakhisheart
,Iwillki
llyou,
”

“MygoshMzamo…st
op!
”Mandl
adef
endedhi
s
boyf
ri
end.

“Whathappenswhenhebr eaksmyheart
,”Njabul
o
l
ift
eduphishead,fi
xedhisshoul
dersandlooked
Mzamost r
aighti
neye.Verysmartquest
ionyell
ow
guy…
“I
fyouhaveabigbr
other
,hecant ryt
oki
llhi
m…but
Iwil
lki
llhi
mtoo,
”Mzamor esponds.

“Wehaveaweddingt ogetto,Iam get

tingmarr
ied,
”
Il
eadthewayoutandt heyfoll
owedme.Themi nut
e
Ist
eppedouteverybodystart
edululat
ingand
sweepi
ngthegroundbeforeme.

[
01/
05,
13:
57] : ENTRY73

BRI
DE:AWOMANWITHAFINEPROSPECTOF
HAPPI
NESSBEHI
NDHER.
-
Ambr
oseBi
erce

Iam inamattegreyBentl
eyi
nthebackseatwit
h
Mandla,Mzii
sdrivi
ngandMzamoi sinthe
passenger
’sseat
,WeddingDaybyBrendafassi
eis
onmax.Pal esa,
Khanya,
MoandVuyo’ smom are
behi
nduswi t
hYell
owguy.Ever
ythingissti
llgoi
ng
perf
ect…Ihaveanxi
eti
esaboutt
oday, butIguess
that
’swhatpeoplecal
lweddi
ngjit
ters.

I
t’
sti
me…

Ther ehei sl ookinggl ori

ousandhusbandyandst uff
.
Ther e’sal otofpeopl et hatIdon’tknowandmedi a.
I’
veal wayspi cturedthismomentwi thmyf ather
wal kingmedownt heai sl
e;notGaba, myot her
fatherbutasf atemayhavei tMandl aandMzamo
arewal kingmedownt heaisleandMzi i
s
Likhakha’ sbest -man.Justbef orereachi ngtheend
oft heai sle, myeyesmethi sdad’ s.Hisgazehel dno
traceofanyt hing.Andt othinkthatt hi
smanandI
oncegotal ongsowel l.Helovedmyf oodandmy
atti
tude;butIwashoweveracommoner .I
’m sure
hef eelsl ikehehasf ail
edhasaf atherandf ormer
chiefevent houghIwashandpi ckedbyt heso-
calledancest ors.Historyisont het urntables…yet
anot
hercommonerwi
llbet
hequeenmot
heroft
his
l
and.

Backtomyweddi ng;Ihavespeciall
yr equestedto
notwearat raditionalwhi t
eweddi ngdr ess,so
i
nsteadIam wear ingablackandwhi t
egownmade
wit
haXhosamat er i
al–speciall
ymadebymy
husband.Ihavesomeexpensi veweaveon;Pal esa
andKhanyat ookcar eofthehairandmakeup, butI
knowIlookgor geousandt her
e’sblingonmyhai r
somewher e.WhenIsaymakeup, Imeanj usthaving
aprett
yclearf ace.Idon’ tdomascar asandot her
thi
ngs.Notmyf orte.

Theceremonycarr
iedonasplanned.Everyt
hing
wentonsmoothlyandper
fectl
y.I
tisnowt imeto
ki
ssthebri
de…thi
siswhatI’
vebeenwai t
ingfor.He
unvei
ledme…

“Whooo,
”heshout
edj
umpi
ngupanddownwi
th
exci
tement
.
“Takeiteasymyking…”someonei
nthecr
owd
shouted.Gosht
hisguy…

“Ndit
hichundodayamadoda,
”hesayst aki
ngof
f
hisblazer
.Whati
shedoing?Iam honestl
y
marryingacl
own.

“Whatareyoudoi
ng?”Iaskedtr
yingtolaughl
ikea
queen.Lor
dknowsmyl aughisnotmajesti
c.He
tookadeepbreat
hinandthenout,thenhecame
closer
.

“
Uwusemhl
e,
”(Youar
esobeaut
if
ul)hewhi
sper
ed.

“
Justki
ssmeal
ready,
”

Hewenti nf
oritcausi
ngeveryonepr
esentto
scream,whi
stl
e,shout,
singanddance.Ther
eitis
again…t
hatki
sshegavemei nt hemorni
ng.Ihave
neverfel
titbef
orebutIl
ovei
t,i
tsendsmet
o
anotherr
ealm

“Yibamb’aphoNkosiyet
hu!
”(Holdi
tri
ghtther
eour
King)thatisoneofmybrot
hers.Heobeyed.

“Ican’
tbel
ieveit
;you’
real
lmine,
”wi
thsi
ncer
it
yand
honestyi
nhi svoi
cehesays.

Aboutanhouraftert
hat,myinaugurati
onceremony
commenced.Ichangedintoanotherdress,
somet hi
ngmorefunandchill
ed.It
’satightfi
tt
ing
dresswithafl
areri
ghtatthebott
om, st
illt
hesame
mat er
ial
.Fol
ks;i
thashappened.Iam thequeen.
Li
khakha’smom tookoffherbeadsanddr essedme
withthem ast
hecongregati
onulul
ated.

“Bant
ubesizweset
hu,”(
Peopleofourki
ngdom)one
oftheelder
scommandedthecongregat
ion’
s
att
enti
on.“Thet
imetochangepowersandruler
sis
fi
nallyhere.Nobuhl eMqokel iisnol ongeral ive,we
buriedhert hedayshevi sitedt heriveroft he
ancestors.Todayshei snol ongert heyoungl ady
youknew, t
odayshei sthewi f
eofourbel ovedand
recentl
yappoi ntedkingandal soourQueen, ”
everybodyul ulatedinexci t
ement .Iam act ual l
yso
happywi tht hewayt heki ngdom haswel comedme,
IthoughtI’dhaveugl ystarescomi ngf rom t he
congregationornast ycomment s.“Mamawesi zwe,
”
hesaysl ooki ngatme, “Youmayascendyourseat ,
”
Iwentupandst oodi nfr
ontofmyseatf aci ngt he
congregation.“ Queenmot her,youmaydr essher
withthelionski n”theformerqueencover edmy
shoulderswi tht heli
onski nandhoneydi dIl ookli
ke
aqueen.It hensatdownandassumedmyposi ti
on.
Iturnedmyheadt othelef tandIsawLi khakhaand
hesmi l
edcl appi ngalongwi t
ht hecongr egat i
on.

Itwasnowti
meformetosayasmallspeechand
j
ustmakepromi
sestomypeopl
e.Thatsounds
good,‘
mypeopl
e’
“
Mypeopl
e”Isai
dasIst
ood.

“Ndlovukazi,
”(Queen)t
hecongr
egat
ionsang.I
specifi
call
yheardmyhusband’svoi
ceinthemidst
ofthisbeautif
ulcacophony.
“Ithankyouf orthewar m welcomeandthelovet
hat
I’
mr eceiving.Iti
soverwhelming.”It
ookadeep
breathinandt henout .“Mostimport
ant
ly,
Ithank
youf ort
r usti
ngmewi ththi
sseat.Anyl
eadercan
comeher eandpr omiseyouheavenandear t
h,
that’
seasy. ”

“
Hmm”t
hecongr
egat
ionagr
eeswi
thmyst
atement
.

“Honest
ly,I
’m newatthis.Asmanyofyoumay
know,Ihaveneverbeenaqueenbef or
e,”t
herewas
l
aughter,“
SoIwi l
lbelearningonaj ob.Ispentthe
past6yearsorsot r
yingtor unawayf r
om thisplace
becauseofthetraumaIhadexper ienced.Asmany
ofyoumayknow;Iwasr apedbythenowdeceased
Rhadebe…Il ostmyf atherandmymot heri nthis
placesoIj ustt houghti fIwasnother enot hingbad
woul dhappent ome.Iwant edt obringabout
changei not herpl acesandbesuper womani not her
placesbuthome.Asf atemayhavei t,thel oveofmy
l
ifewasher eathomeandnowher eIam t akinga
positionbi ggert hananyt hi
ngIknowandhaveor
everwi llhave. ”It ookadr amat i
cpause, justf or
effect.“Itjustdawnedonmet hatmypur posei s
herewi t
hyou, withmybr othersandmy
husband…i t’
sher e.Ever yt
hingIwentt hroughwasa
prepar ati
onf ort hismomenther eandt hemoment s
afterthis.Onet hingIcanassur eyoui st hatnogi rl
i
nmyki ngdom wi l
lbeabusedandnotgethel pand
justi
cebecauseIwi llbest andi ngr i
ghtt herewi th
them.Nogi rlwi lleversuf ferasl ongasIam st il
l
yourqueen.Ot hert hingsl i
keheavydut iesIwi l
lnot
event ouch, butchi l
dren;especi all
ygirlchi l
drenar e
verycl oset omyhear tandgi r
ls, l
adies,womenbe
restassur edt hatyoucancountonmet odel iver,
”a
roundofappl ausecamesoIpausedandt ookt he
momenti n.“Ther e’sal otthatneedst obedoneand
i
twi llbedoner ightaf terIcomebackf rom my
honeymoon,”t
heylaughedandcl
appedatthesame
ti
me.“Thankyou”Isatbackdown.Li
khakhast
ood
andwalkedfor
ward.

“Thankyou, mypeopl e,
”het urnedaroundand
l
ookedatme.“ I
’
m al uckyman, ”hesaid, “
Wear e
l
ucky.Shei sspeci al
…”het ookinthemoment .
“Todaywentonper f
ectly,yourpresenceand
suppor tt
owar dsourweddi ngandmywi fe’s
i
naugur ati
oni smuchappr eciated.Nowi tistimeto
eat,dri
nkandpar t
y.Enj oy,
”het ookmyhandaswe
exitedgoingi ntothedi ning-r
oom.Mybr othersand
theirwivesar eheret oowi ninganddi ningwi ththe
royalfamily,thatincludesme.Unf ortunately;
Likhakha’sfatherisnother e;Idon’tknowwher ehe
disappearedt o.

“
Sis,
”Mandl apaused,“
ImeanNdlovukazi
,thatwas
abeauti
fulspeech,
”thepeopl
ear
oundt hetabl
e
l
aughed.
“Thankyou, Mandla,Iwassoner vousthough…I
nearlyshit
tedmypant ies,
”Likhakha’ssideoft he
familydidn’
tgetthejokebutLi khakha.Hel aughed
alongwi t
hmyf amily.“ImeanIwassoner vousand
scaredInearlypassedout .
”Icor rect
edmysel f.
Gosh, Ineedtofi
xmyvocabul ary.

“Don’
tworry,
youwi lllear
nont hejob”Li
khakha’s
mom sayssmi l
ing.Iloveher,Iadoreher
…shei sjust
sochil
ledandnonchal ant.Justmytypeofvibe.

“Baby,mayIshowyousomethi
ngi
nthebedr
oom
please,
”Li
khakhasai
dtaki
ngmyhandandI
foll
owedbehindhi
m.

“
Whati
sit
?”Iasked.

“Bepati
ent.Wear ealmostther
e,”heopenedthe
doortohisroom andusheredmei nside.Hecl
osed
thebehi
ndhi m andthencamecl osertome.
“Mylove,Idon’tseeanyt
hingher
e,”Isai
dlooki
ng
around.Hekissedmyf or
eheadandt henhugged
me.

“Iam sohappy.Youmakemesohappy…canyou
beli
evethatyouaremyqueen,
”hesays.Iki
ssed
him.

“
Ithi
nkIwi
llbel
ievei
taf
tersomemont
hs…”Isai
d.

“Closeyoureyes,”hesai dandIobeyed.Hewal ked

awayf r
om me.Icoul dhearhisfootst
epsthudding
aroundt heroom.“ Okay,youmayopent hem now, ”I
did.Hewascar r
yingpaper sinhishands…morelike
abr ochure.It
ookt hem andreadt ogetmore
knowl edgeofwhatIwasl ookingat.

“Hmm,
babe,
ist
hiswhatIthinki
tis?
”Isai
dst
il
l
ski
mmi
ngthr
oughthepapers.
“Well
,i
fyouthinkthesear
etwoticket
stoIt
alyfor
ourhoneymoon,thenyesthat
’swhatiti
s”hesays
smil
ing.Iscr
eamedj umpi
ngupanddown.

“Baby,t
hankyou…thankyou…ohmygosh! ”Ihugged
him whil
esti
llj
umpingupanddown.“ Areyou
seri
ous?Ital
y?JustyouandI”hekeptnoddingat
everyunnecessar
yquesti
onIkeptasking.Ist
art
ed
dancingandshakingmybootyinthemost
undigni
fi
edofways.

“Yesbabe,
shakethat…”hesai
dspanki
ngmyass.I
thenrememberedtheposi
ti
onIhadassumedt
oday
andthengather
edmyself.

“Thankyouverymuchmyking,yourgesturei
svery
muchappreciat
ed…youhaveoutdoneyoursel
f,
”I
saidwit
hmychi nupandshoul
dersstrai
ght.
“Why,youarewel comemyqueen,”hetookmyhand
andkissedit
.“Shallwe,
”heopenedthedoorandI
exi
ted.Iwait
edf orhi
mt ol
ockbutbeforewecar
ri
ed
ondownst ai
rs;wesharedapassionat
ekiss.

“
Iloveyoumyl
ove,
”Isai
d

“
Iloveyoutoomylove,
”wewentbackdownst
air
s
t
ojointhef
amil
y.

“Iwonderwhatsurpr
isehehadforyou,
”hi
saunt
says.“
Wehear dthescreami
ngandtheexci
tement
,”
sheadded.

“
Spi
llt
hebeans,
”thef
ormerqueensays.

“
Wel l
,i
fyoumustknow;hesurpr
isedmewi
th
t
icket
sforourhoneymoon,
”Isai
d.
“
Youmi ghtaswellt
elluswher
ehe’
staki
ngyou,”
Mzisays,“
Justsoweknowwher eourl
it
tl
esi
ster
i
s,
”

“
WearegoingtoIt
aly.Ihaveat
ourgui
deor
gani
zed;
wej
ustneedtoshowup…”hesays.

“
Smartchoice,
”hismom says.“
Myhusbandal so
t
ookmet oItal
yforourhoneymoon,
youwi l
lenjoyi
t
mydaughter…”shesayswithawarm smi
le.

“Icannotwai
t,i
nfact
,whendowel
eavemyl
ove?
”I
asked,

“
Thedayaf
tertomorrow,
justneedtosor
toutafew
t
hingst
omorr
ow, j
usttol
eavethingsi
norder
,”

“
Iwi
llbepacki
ngi
nthemeant
ime,
”Isai
d.
“Youknowyouar equeennow,sofir
stthing
tomorr
owmor ningyoucanpickamai dforyour
sel
f,
orevenhiresomeonenewt hatwil
ldot hi
ngsfor
you,i
nthemeant i
meIcanappointsomeonet o
packforyou,”thequeenmothersays,

“Ohokay,
Iwil
llooki
ntot
hat
.ThoughIdon’
tmi
nd
doi
ngitmysel
f…”

“Astimegoesbyyouwi l
lappr
eciat
ehaving
someonei r
onclothesforyoubecauseofthe
amountofwor kyouwillhave,
”hisuncl
esays.
“Especi
all
ysinceyouar eawoman, youwomen
fussabouteveryt
hing,
”

Iguar
dwal
kedi
n.

“
Ndl
ovukazi,
”hesai
d.Ther
ewassi
lencear
oundt
he
t
abl
e,ever
yonewaslooki
ngatme.
IlookedatLikhakha,“
Whati
sit
? ”Iwhi
sper
ed.Hi
s
eyest r
aveledtotheguar
dandthenbacktome.Oh
shit!If
orgot.

“OhI’
m sosorry,Iforgot…Ithoughtyouwer et
alki
ng
toourmother,
”ever yonearoundt hetabl
eis
l
aughingthei
rlungsout .“Iam sosorry.Yes…you
havemyat t
ention…youmayspeak, ”

“
Wedon’tsayt
hat
,”Li
khakhasaysi
nthemi
ddl
eof
l
aughi
ng,

“Youwil
lgetusedtoitmyqueen,
”theguar
dalso
saysl
aughing.“
Thereisamanouthereaskingt
o
seeyou,
”whomi ghtthatbe.

“
Whoi
sthat
?”Li
khakhaasks.

“
Ihavenoi
dea,
bri
nghi
min…”Isai
d,“
Am Ial
lowed
t
odot
hat
?”IaskedLi
khakha.

“
Yesl
ove,
”hesays.

“Bantuabakhulu,
”(Greatpeopl
e)heknel
tbyt
he
door.Ir
antohi m;Ijustcoul
dn’
thavehimtot
hat
.I
am achil
daf t
erall
.

“Pl
easestand,
”Ipull
edhimt ohisfeet.Ther
ewasa
l
itt
lecommot i
onatthetabl
e,IguessIdi d
somethi
ngwr ong.MaybeIshouldn’thavestoodor
askedhimtostand,Idon’
tknow.

“Babyg…Ndlovukazi
,
”hecor
rect
edhi
msel
f.
Likhakhaappear
edbehi
ndmeandputhi
shand
aroundmywai st
.

“
Sir
!”hesaysst
ret
chi
nghi
shandf
orwar
d.
“Son,Iwi
shyounot
hingbutt
hebestwi
thmy
daughter
,”

“
Thankyou,
thankyou…”

“
List
en,Iam f
lyi
ngoutt
oNiger
iatonight
,Ijust
wantedtocomeandseeyoubeforeIlef
t…”hesays.

“ThankyouGaba,
Ireal
lyappr
eci
atei
t,
”wear
est
il
l
holdi
nghands.

“Yourbrot
herswillgiveyouagiftf
rom meandI
promiseyouIwillbringyousomeoft hosevi
brant
andcolourf
ulNigerianmateri
als,
”

“
I’
dlovet
hose,
”

SoLi
khakhaandIdeci
dedt
oar
oundt
heyar
dand
j
ustpersonall
ythankpeopleforcomi
ngandj ustf
or
them t
oseet hatweareonewi t
hthem.Hisuncle
cameandt ookhim away,hewantedtohaveat al
k
withhi
m, butIcont
inuedwithwhatwestart
ed.

“Ndlovukazi
,
”sai
davoi
cebehi
ndme.Itur
ned
aroundandsawsomeoneIhaven’
tseeni
nyear
s.

“Sizwe!”ithasbeenawhile;Ihaven’tseenhi
m
aroundt hehouseinfor
ever.MaybeheandMzamo
wer eneverabletogett
hrought hatscandal
.I
polit
elyletoutmyhand.

“Oh!Buhlebam, ”hesays.Hehasnevercal l
edme
bythatbefore;he’slooki
ngatmeupanddownl i
ke
I’
m apieceofmeat .Ther
e’ssomethingwrongwith
him…Icanf eelit.Icanseeit.ButIwil
lpl
ayitcool
,

“
Haveyouhadsomethingt
oeat,
Icanorgani
ze
f
oodforyou,
”Isai
dtr
yingt
ogeteyesawayfr
om my
chestt
omyf
ace.

Hesmi
rkedwr
yly.“
Idon’
twantf
ood…Iwantyou,
”

“What?
”Isai
d.Iheardwhathesaid,
Ijustwant
edt
o
givehi
m achancetofi
xhisst
atement.

“Don’tworr
y,Iwil
lfr
eeyouf r
om him soon,”he
walkedaway, “
Soon”Iwil
ljustconcl
udet hatheis
eit
herdrunk,hi
ghorboth.Iwatchedhim wal ki
ng
away.

“Ndlunkulu,
”sai
dsomeol dwomansit
ti
ngonthe
grassenjoyingt
heirfoodwithumqombothi
(t
radit
ionalbeer
).Idecidedt
ositwi
ththem.

“
Ninj
anikodwa?”(
Howar
eyou?)Iaskedmaking
mysel
fcomfort
abl
eont
hecl
eargreengrass.
Befor
eIcouldevengeti
ntoaconver
sat
ionwi
th
them Li
khakhacametofet
chme.

“Youshouldhaveaskedf
orachair
.Uyi
Ndlovukazi
ngoku,
”(Youareaqueennow)hesaysswingingmy
handbackandf or
thaswewalkedbacki
ntothe
house.

Myr
eignbegi
ns.

[
01/
05,
13:
57] : ENTRY74
“Li
stentome, gir
l,youhavecastlesinsi
deofyour
bones,coronetsinyourheart
,ifhethreat
ensyou
wit
hbat t
le,youraisewar,t
helasttimeIchecked
Queenscowerbef orenoman.
-
Niki
taGi
ll

Myr
eignbegi
ns.
Whowoul dhavet houghtthatanyofthiswouldbe
happeningtome?I ’
mj ustanotheror
dinarygir
lwith
nothingspecialtooffert
hewor ldbutyetIam
mar r
iedtothemanofmydr eams,arealpri
nce
charming.Thisisallsurrealtome.It
’sSunday,Igot
mar r
iedyesterdayandwasmadequeen.Iam i nthe
royalhousesleepingnextt omyhusband.Yes!I ti
s
allr
eal…letmeopenmyeyesandbehol dthi
snew
day.

It
’sSunday,Igotmar r
iedyester
dayandwasmade
queen.Iam intheroyalhousesleepi
ngnextt
omy
husband.Yes!Iti
sallreal
…letmeopenmyeyesand
beholdthi
snewday.

“JesusChri
stLi
khakha,
wenzantoni
,howl onghave
youbeenawake,”hi
sfacewast hefi
rstt
hingIsaw
whenIopenedmyeyes.I fhecoul
dhewoul dget
ri
ghtinsi
demyface…
“Longenought
oknowt
hatyouchewal
oti
nyour
sleep”
,

“Imarr
iedyouyest
erdayandal
readyyou’r
emaki ng
funofme.doyouknowwhoIam…” ,Igotoutofbed
andwenttothebathr
oom.Hefoll
owedme.

“
Uyi
Ndl
ovukazi
”(You’
ret
hequeen)hesays.

“
Bet
ternotf
orgett
hatbaby.
”

Beforetheweddi ng,Khanyacamet oprepareforme;

shebr oughtsomet hingsIwoul dneed.Li ke
toi
let
riesandaf ewcl othes.We’refacingthemi rr
or;
brushingourteethandt alki
nginthemi ddleofital
l.
Wet ookashoweranddi dwhatl oversdoi nthe
showert hedayaf t
erthei rwedding.Il
efthimi nthe
bathroom.
Ohyes!Irememberthiski
tchen.Everypartofi
t;
exceptf
orthefr
idge,
Iseetheyupgr aded.
Sis…what’
shername?..
.

“
Ndl
ovukazi
”(Myqueen)shesai
d…Zuki
swa.Yes

“
SisZuki
swa”Isai
dandgaveherahug.

“Ndi
yaqal
aukongi
wangumntuwasebukhosi
ni
ubonanj
e,
”(I
tsmyfir
stt
imehuggi
ngaroyal)

“Andi
ngowasebukhosininj
emna…ndit
shate
nobukhosi
,
”(I
’m notaroyal,
I’
mjustmarr
iedtoone)
welaughedoverthat
.

“
Isi
dlosasekusenisizobareadyngokungoku,
”
(
breakf
astwillbereadyjustnow)shesaid
“Kanene,
”wellsh*
tthi
sissomethi
ngIhavet
oget
usedto.Oh!Lookwhatthecatdr
aggedi
n.
Mary…shewal ksi
nandbows.

“Ndl
ovukazi,
”(Myqueen)shesays.WhatdoIdo?
Shef r
amedmebef ore.I
nfact;i
fshehadn’tf r
amed
met henIwouldn’
thavebeenkickedoutoft his
houseandRhadebewoul dn’
thavegottentome.i t
i
shonestlytaki
ngeveryt
hingIam tonotstrangle
thel
ifeoutofherri
ghtnow,but…Iwil
lletbygones
bebygones.

“HeyMary,”Igaveherawar m hugtooaft
erallIgot
ever
ythi
ngsheeverwant ed.LikhakhaandIam also
aboveineverysingl
eway…Iam herqueen, she
obeyseveryt
hingIsaywi t
houtfli
nchi
ngortwitchi
ng,
whatmorecoul dIeveraskfor
?

Li
khakhawalkedi
nl ooki
ngandsmelli
ngfr
eshinan
emeral
dgreensuitandawhiteshi
rtwit
hblack
shoesandablacktie.
“
Ladi
es”hesang.

“
Dal
indyebo”si
sZuki
swacur
tseyed.

“
Hi,Li
khakha…”al
leyesf
ellonher
.Imeant
hener
ve.
”I’
m sor
ry,Nkosi
yam”(Myking)

“
Whati
sshest
il
ldoingher
e?”Li
khakha’
seyes
r
est
edonsi
sZukiswa.

“TheQueenmothersai
dshe’
dtalkt
oyouaboutit
Nkosiyam”shesayswit
hhereyesont
hefloor
.

“
Whati
sit
,myl
ove?
”Iasked.

“Isaidbytheti
meyoumovei
n,Iwant
edhergone”
Likhakhasays.
“
Ndiyakucel
aNkosiyesi
zwesam,yi
banof
efekum,
”
(
I’
m beggingyoumyking,havemer
cyonme)Mary
wentdownonherkneesandbegged.

“
Goneasi
nfi
red?
”Iasked.

“Yes!Sheputyout hroughal ot…Idon’twanther

here.Iwantyoutobeascomf ortabl
easpossible.
Letmet al
ktomymot her…”hewenti ntot
hedining
room wheretherestoft hefamilywas.Ifoll
owed
him.Aswewal kedi n;theystoodup, “Myelder
s”he
said,

“El
ders”Iguessthat’
saf orm ofsal
utat
ionoraway
ofacknowledgi
ngt hem allatonce.

“
Dal
indyebo,
”theysang.Li
khakhapul
ledoutachai
r
f
ormeandt hensataft
er.
“Hmmm, mama”hi smom smil
edasshel ai
deyes
uponhim.“ WhyisthatMarygi
rlst
il
lher
e?Iasked
i
nadvancet hatshebegonebyt heti
meNobuhl e
movesi n.Weallknowwhatsheputherthrough..
.”I
pouredhim acupofcoffeewhi
lewewai t
edf or
breakf
ast.

“Iactual
lywantedtotalktoyouaboutit
, butIgotso
busywi t
htheweddi ng”shesaidthensippedona
glassofwater.“Son,It
hinkfi
ri
ngherist ooextr
eme,
attheendofthedayNobuhl egotherhappyending.
Pleasegiveheronemor echance…”shebegged.

“Mama…pleasegi
veheratwo-mont
hpayment
upfr
onttomorr
ow,Iwanthergonet
henextday.
Thatgi
rlha…”

“Baby,
”Ii
nter
ject
ed.“
Iagreewithyourmother
,fi
ri
ng
herist
oomuch.Imeani fal
lthepeoplet
hatdidme
wrongint hi
spal acehadt obepuni shedthenthat
wouldincludeyourf at
her …”myar mpitsstar
ted
i
tchi
ng, everysinglepersonseatedatt hi
stableis
l
ookingatme.Di dIactuallysaythat?”Imean
that
…Iwi l
lkeepanonher , j
ustgi
veheronemor e
chance”hecl earedhisthroat.

“Kul
ungil
eke,butmyloveonemi
stakeandshe’
s
gone,
”(Verywellt
hen)

“Youhavemyword”Iassuredhi
m.Ineedtohavea
wordwitht
hatmosquit
o,j
usttoputheri
nherplace
andmakeherunderst
andthatsheisbei
ngwatched
sosheneedstobehaveandcountherbl
essi
ngs.

Aft
erbreakfastIwal
kedLikhakhaoutt
ot hecar
.
Thereareaf ewthi
ngsthatneedhisat
tenti
on
befor
ewel eaveforourhoneymoontomor r
ow.

“
Pleasepackmybr
owncoat
…andsomesneaker
s”
hesai
d.

“
Yessi
r!
”It
hrewasal
utehi
sway.Hechuckl
ed.

“
Iloveyou–youbum”hesai
d.

“
Kissme–youbum”Il
eanedi
nforaki
ss.

“Hmmm”hemoanedi nt hemiddleoft
hekiss,“
baby,
i
fyoucarryonl
ikethi
s,wemi ghtj
ustgotothat
honeymoonri
ghtnow,”Itookastepback.

“Letmenotkeept
heki
ngf
rom hi
sduties…getgoi
ng
andcomebacksoonsowecankissanddoot her
thi
ngs,
”

“
Packasexyout
fi
t,
”heki
ssedmyf
oreheadand
j
umpedi
ntothecar
.
Onmywaybackt othehouseIsawLikhakha’
s
fatherstandi
ngoutsi
destari
ngatme,asIwalkedi
n
hisdirecti
onhiseyeskeptwander
ingaroundt
he
yard.

“
Dal
indyebo,
”Icur
tseyed.

“Isti
llthi
nkyouarenotgoodenoughformyson, or
mypeopl e.”hesaysasIpassedhim.Hiswords
broughtmet oanabr uptst
opri
ghtbehi
ndhim.I
turnedaroundandst oodnextt
ohim,Ist
art
ed
scout i
ngtheyardli
kehedid.

“Uyathet
hatat
a,”(
Didyousaysomethingsir
?)I
heardhimloudandclear,
Iwasjustgi
vinghima
chancetochangehisstat
ement
.

“
Youhear
dme”hesai
d.
“Well
,theancestor
sthinkI
’mtheperf
ectcandi
date.
Allt
hat’sl
eftnowisforyoutoapol
ogizetome,then
Iwil
lforgi
veyouandt henwecangetalongand
carr
yonwi thli
fe,
”

“
Overmydeadbodyyoungl
ady,
”

“Thatmighthappensoon,
oldman.Haveagood
day”Ilef
thim.Ihear
dhim chuckl
ingsof
tl
yasI
walkedaway.Thisman…

Ifthismant hinksIwillleaveLikhakhat henhemust

thi
nkagai nbecauseIam her et ostay,Ididn’tent
er
thatcoldriverfornothing.Idi
dn’ tgetrapedf or
nothingandIcer t
ainl
ydi dnotgiveupwor kingfor
Mr .Naidooj usttobedisrespectedbyadyi ngman.
I’
vebeenwayt oonicemywhol el i
fe…t
hi sisthe
birthofabr and-newNobuhl e.Thi sisSuper woman,
version2.0,beastmode.
[
01/
05,
13:
57] : ENTRY75
“Somet
imesyougot
tabeaBeaut
yandaBeast
”-
NickMi
naj

1yearl
ater

It’
sbeenayearsi nceIgotmar riedt o
Likhakha…thingshavebeenamazi ng.Hegi vesme
mypl aceandmyspace.I nsomemat ter
she
consultsmeandasksf oradvi ce.Ther eisaprojectI
am wor kingon.Iwantt of i
xmyol dschool.Supply
them wi t
hcleanwat er,gi
vet hem f ruit
sand
vegetablesweekl y,r
estorethei rtoiletsand
classrooms.Pr ovideunif
or msf ort hoseinneedand
getsomesor toftrai
ningf orthet eachersjustt
o
betterthemselvesatwhatt heydo.WhenIsaton
thatthrone;Iswor etobringachangeandt oprotect
womanandgi r
ls…andt hatIshal ldo.
Sof ar,myhusbandhasbeent heonespeaki nginall
themeet ings.Ijustgowi thhim…It ellhim whatI
wantandhenegot i
at es.Butt oday;hespeci fi
cal
ly
askedmet ogot ot hemeet i
ngbecausehehasa
chief’smeet i
ng/gett oget herthingt heydoannual ly.
Iam meet i
ngupwi thMr .
VandeKer k, I
’veseenhim
before.He’ sapr oudBoer .Hei s;wel lwast he
biggestf ruitandvegsuppl ieront hissi deofthe
provincebutt herehasbeenr umor st hatheis
i
nvol vedi nill
egalt hings, embezzl ement ,
andmoney
l
aunder i
ngandsoon.Buthei samanwi th
connect ions;evidenceagai nsthim di dnotconvince
thejudget osent encehi m hencehei sst i
llwalki
ng
freel
y.Thescandalwasal mostt hreeyear sagoand
sincet henhi sbusi nesshasbeensl owl ygoing
downsout h.LikhakhahasaskedMzamot o
accompanymeasmybodyguar dal ongwi thtwo
othersguar dsf r
om t hehouse.

“
Mr.VandeKer
k,pl
easur
etof
inal
lymeetyouf
ace
t
oface.
”
“
Whati
sthis,wher
eisLi
khakha?
”heasksl
ooki
ngat
Mzamobehindme.

“Hehadotherimport
antthingstot
akecareof
,so
hesentmet odealwit
hthis.Aft
eral
lthi
sproj
ecti
s
mybaby.”

“Iam sorr
yma’ am.Idonotnegot
iatewit
hwoman.I
start
edthisbusinesswi
thamanandIwi l
lfi
nishit
withaman” ,hegulpeddownhisbrandyandst ood
getti
ngreadytogo.

“MrVandeKer k,si
tdown…whatareyoudoing?
Whatdoyout hinkmyhusbandisgoingtosaywhen
hehearsthatyouwalkedoutonhi
swi f
e?The
disr
espect
!”

“
Areyout
hreat
eni
ngme?
”
“Why?Never !Li
stenswallowyourball
s,sitdown
l
et’stalkbusiness.Frankl
yIdon’tl
ikedoing
businesswi thmenbecausemenar e–amongst
otherthings–st upid,dumb,weakandcowar di
ce,
butinbusi nessit’
sraretofi
ndaMr s.VandeKer k.
Mendomi nate,”

Hesl
owlysatbackdown.Hesi
tantbuthedi
d.Igot
hi
sat
tent
ion.
“
Wai t
er!
”hesnappedhi
sfinger
ssignal
ingthe
wait
ertoat
tendtous.“
Mor ebr
andyplease.What
wil
lyoubehaving?
”heaskedme.

“Coff
ee,
blackandasl
iceofyourchocol
atecake”I
saidpol
it
elywi
thasmile.

“Youknowwhatboy,
letmehavewhatshe’
s
havi
ng,”
“
Well
,ifIhaveyouchangi
ngyourmindt
hateasi
ly
whoknowswhatwi l
lhappeni
nthi
smeeting,
”

“
Cal
m downnowl
ilMi
ssy,
”

“
Oh!You’l
lbesur
pri
sedwhatbi
gthi
ngst
hisl
il
Missycando,
”

“
Tal
ktome.Mr
s.Li
khakha,
whatdoyouwant
?”

“I’
vebeenr eadinguponyou, justdoingalit
tle
homewor k.I
’vealwaysbeenagoodst udentandI
i
nt endtokeepmyr ecor
d.”Hel eanedincloser.The
wai t
erquickl
ycamebackwi thwhatweor dered.I
tookasi pofcof f
eeassodi dhe.

“
Whathaveyoubeenr
eading?”heaskedsoundi
ng
abi
tconcer
nedandworr
ied.
“
Youneedt hi
sdealmoret
hanIneedit
.Inf
act
;iti
s
t
hebreakt
hroughyou’
vebeenwai
tingf
orsi
nce
t
hreeyear
sago,”

“
Iam l
ist
eni
ng.
”Hepushedt
hecakeasi
de.

“Yourbusinessi
sdyingMr.deKer
kandi tneeds
saving.Whatbet
terbet
terwayt
osaveitthan
helpingki
dsinneedofveget
abl
esweekly?”

“That
’snotwhatyourhusbandandIt
alkedabout
.
Hesa…”

“Hmmm” ,Icuthi
m short.“
That’
swher eyou’re
mistaken,Iam notmyhusbandandt hi
si smy
proj
ectsonowIcal ltheshots.Didyouseewhat
you’
redemandi ngfrom him?Thatmoneyi s
l
udicrous;especi
all
yconsideri
ngthestateofyour
company-I t’
sdyingandsadlyyoudon’ tneed
moneyyouneedgoodandposi ti
vepublicit
y,”
Hel
ookedawayt
henbackatme,
thenawayagai
n.
Hel
eanedi
n.

“
Noman!No!
”hewhi
ned

“Remove5%f rom yourinitialoffer…”Ibasi cally

orderedhi m.Ifthere’
sanyt hingt hatLi khakhahas
taughtmewheni tcomest onegot iatingist hatI
shouldal wayshaveaback- uppl anf ormyback
plan.Li
khakhaal wayshasacont i
ngencypl anf or
hiscontingencypl anandt hatalwayswor kedf or
him.Iknewhewasgoi ngt odi sputemyof f
er ,
not
becausei t’
sabadof ferorbecausei tdoesn’ twork
forhim butonl ybecausehewant st ofeelli
kehei s
i
ncont rol,l
ikehei scalli
ngt heshot s,li
keheal ways
getswhathewant s…lit
tl
edoesheknowt hatI ’
m
actuall
yincont rol.There’
saver ybi gdi f
ference
betweenbei ngi ncontrolandl ooki ngl i
keyou’ rein
control
.Likhakhaal wayst el l
smet hatIdon’ thave
tolooklikeaqueen–i nstead–j ustbeaqueen.
“5%!”heexclai
med.“Thatispuremadnessmy
darli
ng,
”that
’stest
osteronespeaking.Hewant
sto
feelpowerf
ul.Men…strangespecies.

“
Or…youkeepyouri
nit
ialamountasiti
s,pr
ovi
ded
t
hatyoudel
iver
;wedon’tpi
ckup,yourtr
ucks,
your
menandyourgaseveryFri
day.
”
“
Ever
yFr
iday?It
houghtt
hiswasamont
hlyt
hing.
”

“Thi
ngschangesi r!Getwitht
heprogramme.
Besides;I’
m sureyouremployeescoulddowi t
h
someact ualwork.Ineedthemerchandiseatthe
schoolint hemorni
ng,lat
esttwel
ve.Thatgivesthe
l
unchl adiesenoughtimetopackanddi st
ri
buteto
thelearnersbef
oretheschooldayisover…Ididof
coursehiresomeext r
ahands.”

Hepulledbackhi
scake.Mi
nei salr
eadyfi
nished
becauseli
keIsai
dIam cal
li
ngt heshot
sand
nothi
ngcanmakemeputasl iceofchocol
atecake
asi
de.

“Whencanyousendt
hecont
ractt
omyof
fi
ce?
”he
asked.
Darli
ngIal r
eadyhavet hecontr
act.Icamehere
knowingwhatIwant edandIgoti t.Gabaoncesaid
tome, “Babygirl
,yougotoneoft wochoices,winor
don’tgoatall,
”andifIfeell
ikeIdon’tgoti
tIdon’t
go.Ipulledoutawhi t
eenvelopefrom mybag.He
sighed.“Youknowwhatyouar edoingdon’tyou?”

“
Iwoul
dn’
tbeher
eifIdi
dn’
t,
”

Hepull
edoutt heenvel
opeandreadthr
oughitfor
about5minutes.Hethenpul
ledoutapenfrom
i
nsidehi
sblazerandsignedwit
houtwasti
ngany
moreti
me.

“
Iwi
llf
axyouacopyASAP,
”
“Thi
sbett
erwor
k;doyouwantmor
ecake?
”he
asked.

“Ohno,”Istoodupl i
kethequeenIam, pull
edout
mywal letfr
om thebag.Yes!That’
sright
,Ilef
tabout
R300ont hetabl
e.“Butdohelpyoursel
fthough.
Pleasuredoingbusinesswit
hyou…” ,t
henIwal ked
outbabeswi thMzamoandt hetwoguards
protect
ingmel eftr
ightandbefor
eme.

Iam tel
li
ngyou;t hedayRhadebedied,
something
i
nsideofmedi edal ongwit
hhim.Somethingsafe
andcarefuldied.NowIgetwhatIwantandwhenI
wantit–af t
eral l–peoplehavebeentaki
ngfrom
me.Theuni verset ookmymom anddad, Rhadebe
tookmyvi r
ginity,tr
adit
ionnear
lytookt
heloveof
myl i
febutluckily,Iwasbraveenoughtonotall
ow
that
.
Whatadayi thasbeen.Iam actual
lyproudof
myself;mypr ojecti
scomi ngt
ogetherperfectl
y,and
whatmakesmer eall
yreal
lypr
oudi sthatIdidnot
askLikhakhaf orapenny.Ever
ycentIam
usi
ng/ usedismi neandsponsorsofcour se.The
onlythingthatishisthati
sactual
lywor ki
nginmy
advantageishi ssurname.
It
’s00:00i
nthemorning.I’
minbedwait
ingformy
husband.ILef
thi
m stil
lhavi
ngachatwit
hhis
father
…ohther
eheis.Hewentintot
heclosetto
change.

“
Whatdi
dyousayt
oVandeKer
k?”heasksf
rom
t
hecl
oset
.

“
Final
ly!Wegett
otalk.Ihavebeenwaiti
ngforyou,
t
hemeet i
ngwentgreat.Ihadhi
ml i
ter
all
yeati
ngout
myha…”

“
That
’snotwhatIasked.Isai
dut
henikuye?
”(What
didyousayt ohim?)heinterr
uptedme.Ok, he
soundsabi toff
.Icl
imbedoutofbedandwent
i
nsidetheclosettohaveal ookathisface.
Unfort
unately,
hewasgi vi
ngmehi sback.He’
s
unbutt
oninghisshirtnow;pantsandshoesar eout
al
ready.

“
Iaskedhimforhisassi
stancei
nthi
spr
ojectl
ike
wehaddiscussed,
”

“Wedidn’tdi
scussyoubl
ackmai
li
nghi
m wi
thhi
s
pastaccusat
ions,
”

“Bl
ackm..
..
isthatwhathesaid?Oh!Hemustst op
bei
ngagirlhisinvol
vementinthiswi
llbr
inghim
goodpubli
cit
y,itwil
lcol
ourhisimageupal i
tt
lebi
t.
”

“Ihearhesi
gnedthecont
ract
.Anewcontr
actt
hatI
hadnoknowledgeof,
”hetookaseatont
hecouch.
Thiscouchbri
ngsgoodmemor i
es.
Iwentovert
owherehewassi
tt
ing.Isatont
ophi
m
put
ti
nghim bet
weenmythi
ghs.

“Iwasgoingtodiscussitwit
hyou;Iwasactual
ly
goingtotel
lyoubutyousentmel astmi
nute,so–I
tookituponmyselftonailt
hisdeal
.Wehadnot i
me
todiscussi
t,
”

“AndlilMissy?
”Igiggl
ed.“Yout hi
nkt
hisi
sfunny
Nobuhl e?
”histoneisabittenseandwhenhestart
s
call
ingmebymynameIknowhemeansbusi ness.

“NoLikhakhakhawuphefuml enawe.Ijustgota
dealformyprojectandallyou’
rewor r
iedabouti
s
pett
ylit
tl
emeani ngl
essthings,
”(Justbreat
he)

Hejustsatther
eandstaredatme.Uponseei
ngthat
hewasn’tgoingtosayanyt
hing,
Ist
oodup.Clear
ly,
heneedssomespace.
“
Uyaphikengoku?
”(Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
)heasked.

“
Ndi
yol
ala.
”(I
’
m goi
ngt
osl
eep)

“Comehere,I
’m sorr
y,”Istoodbef
orehim wait
ingt
o
hearwhathehast osayf orhi
mself
.“Hlal
akaloku,
”
(si
tdown)hetookmyhandandpul ledmecloser.I
rest
edmykneebet weenhi sthi
ghs“Kissme,”he
saidunderhi
sbreath.

“Youdon’tdeser
veanythi
ngf r
om meri
ghtnow,
”I
saypulli
ngawayf r
om him asheat
temptedt
oget
closer
.

“Suyenzalonto,
”(Don’
tdot
hat)hesaidal
most
begging.Hiseyeswereget
ti
ngsmallerashi
shands
wer et
ravel
lingupanddownmyt hi
ghs.“Ki
ssme,
pleasebaby”hebegged.Il
oveitwhenhebegs,
it
actual
lyturnsmeon.
“Areyoupr oudofme? ”Iaskedrubbi ngmyl i
ps
againsthi swhil
emyi ndexf i
ngertravell
edar ound
hischestmaki ngi t
swaydownt ohi sbell
y.Idon’t
knowwhyIneedhi svalidati
on.Ifeelgoodabout
whatIdi dandIam pr oudofmysel f
.ButIguess
knowi ngwhatLi khakhathinksofmemat tersto
me…i tgivesmeasenseofsecur i
ty.AndI ’
m also
justteasinghim alit
tl
e.

“I
’m sopr
oudofyoumylove.Youaresobeaut
if
ul
andsexyandIl
oveyou,
”hebithi
slowerl
ip.

“
Good,”Iki
ssedhim.Hest
oodandpickedmeup
wrappi
ngmyl egsar
oundhi
swaist
.

“Yousmel
lsoni
ce,
”hesai
dwal
kingt
owar
dst
he
door.

“
Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
”Iasked.
“
Tot
hebed,
”hesai
d.

“What ’
swr ongwi t
hthecouch? ”Igl ancedatt he
coucht henbackathi m mi schi evousl y.Hesmi r
ked
andqui ckl ywentbackt ot hecouch.Wheni tcomes
tohavingsex, Ilikebeingspont aneousand
explorative.Itsnotever ydaywemustdoi tinbed
l
ikeanol dmar ri
edcoupl e.Wear eyoungandf resh
andhaveal otofener gyoozi ngt hroughourvei ns.
We’ r
ebot halwayscomi ngupwi thnewwayst o
spicethingsupi noursexl i
fe.Onet imewewer e
havingameet ingwi ththeel der sandt henhehadt o
makeaf i
naldeci sionont hemat terthatwasi n
questionont hatday.Heki ndl yaskedt obeexcused
andaskedmet of oll
owhi m.Wewenti ntoourr oom
andhadsex.Wecoul dn’tst opl aughi ngaf t
ert he
whol ething, goingbackt ot heel derst ook
everythingi nus.Weevent ual lycomposed
ourselvesandwentback.Af tert hemeet ingwehad
sexagai n…I ’
venot icedthati tgivesmeagl owand
him alittl
echar i
smat i
cj umpt ohi swal k.
[
01/05,
13:58] :THESTRENGTHOFAKINGDOM
COMESFR0M IT’
SKING,THESTRENGTHOFA
KINGCOMESFROM HISQUEEN–CodyEdward
LeeMil
ler

ENTRY76

WheneverIwakeupint hemor ni
ng;Ial
waysfind
Li
khakhastari
ngatme…eveni fwehadbeen
fi
ghti
ngtheprevi
ousnight.Thist
imehecaughtme
bysurpri
se,mymindwasf ar
…Iwasn’tt
hinki
ng
aboutseei
nghiseyesatall.

“Whydoyoual
waysdot
hat
?”Iaskedr
ubbi
ngmy
eyes.

“Youshouldbeusedtoitbynow”hesmiled.“
Ijust
wanttobethefi
rstthi
ngyouseeeveryti
meyou
wakeup,”My8o’clockalar
m wentof
f!Whatisthis
guysti
lldoi
nghere?
“Baby,i
t’
s8,
shoul
dn’
tyoubei
nasuitl
ooki
ngsexy,
”
Iaskedmaki
ngmysel
fcomfor
tabl
einhi
schest
.

“Ihaveonemeet i
ngat11andt
henIam f
reef
ort
he
day,”hedecl
ares.

“
Areyouser
ious?!
?”Iaskedj
umpi ngontophim and
maki
ngmyselfcomfort
abler
ightonhiswaist
.

Hesmiled,“
Love,haveIbeenthatbusyt
hatyouget
t
hisexcit
edoverhavingafreeday?”

“
Idon’tevenknowyouanymor
e…l
et’
sdosomet
hing
l
ater
,”Il
eanedinandki
ssedhi
m.

“Ibookedusint
o‘TheHotel
’fort
heweekend,
”he
sayscaressi
ngmyt hi
ghs.
“
Asin‘TheHot
el’
”Ismil
edwit
hjoyashenodded.
‘
theHotel
’i
sLi
khakha’
sfat
her
’shotel
.Theone
wher
e–accordi
ngt ohi
m –hebrokemyvirgi
nit
y.

“It
oldmyuncl etomakeFr i
dayslessbusy, one
meetingornoneatallandthenI ’
m yours,”Iam
smili
ngfrom eartoear
,Ican’tbeli
evethis.

“
Thenyou’
real
lmi
ne,
”Ibl
ushed.

“So,packaweekendbagforthebot
hofusandthen
Iwillpi
ckyouup-let
’ssayar
ound13:00,
lat
est
13:30,”

“Iloveyou,
”Il
eanedinandki
ssedhi
m again.He
stoppedandhiseyeskeptmi
neinpl
ace.“Whatis
i
t?”Iasked.Heli
ft
eduphisheadandki
ssedme.
“Iwi
llseeyoul
ater
?”heaskedt
owhi
chIsmi
ledand
nodded.
Het hentookashowerwhileIi
ronedhi
sshirtand
fi
xedhi senti
reout
fi
tfort
heday.Hecameoft he
bathroom andtookitwi
thhimtohiscl
oset
.

“
Babe,Ican’
twai
tforl
ater.Iwi
llmakesureIscor
e
t
oday…”hesoundsexci
ted,Idon’
tneedtoseehim
t
oknowt hathei
ssmili
ng.
“It
’stooearl
yforali
tt
leyoumylove,
”Inonchalant
ly
said.Hecameoutoft hecl
osetcomplet
elynaked
rubbinghisface.

“
We’
vebeenmar
ri
edf
orayear
…”hesays.

“Iknow,andbesides;ababyshoul
dbesomet
hing
beauti
fulandspontaneous,
”

“
So,
I’
mtheonl
yonet
hat
’sbeent
ryi
ng?
”hesounds
di
sappoi
nted.
“
Whyar
eyout
ryi
ng?
”Iasked.

“
Becauseweneedt
ohaveaf
ami
ly,
”hest
ernl
ysai
d.

“Butwear eaf amil

y…”Ir esponded.Hegr i
maced
andt hendisappearedinsidetheclosetagain.I
she
goingt osayanythi
ng?Af ewmi nutespassedand
thenheemer gedagaininawhi teshirt
,amar oon
three-pi
ecesuitandbrownf or
malshoes.

“Comehere,
”hesaysf i
xinghi
sti
e.Iplant
edmyself
ri
ghtinfr
ontofhi
ml eavi
ngnospacebet weenour
feet
.“Youdon’
twanttohaveachild?”hesaysthat
l
ikeit
’saquest
ionbuthisgazeassumest hathei
s
sayi
ngitasastatement.

“Ido…Ijustfeell
ikenowi
snott
het
ime.Youbar
ely
havetimef ormebabe…”
“
Butwear
emaki
ngi
twor
k.Weal
waysmakei
t
wor
k…”

“
Idon’
twantt
omakei
twor
k…Iwanti
ttowor
k!”

“Well
,l
ove,t
hisi
sthelif
eyousignedupf
or…i
t
doesn’
talwayswork.Youj
usthavetomakei
t
work,
”

“OkayBaby, ”Istoodonmyt oesandwr appedmy

armsar oundhi sneckandplantedakissonhis
for
ehead.“ YouandIhaveaweekendl ongdateand
wewi llt
alkaboutt hi
s.Fornow;justgotothat
meetingandcomeback, ”

“Okay,”hesaidunderhi
sbr
eat
h.“
You’
rer
ight
,”he
kissedmyl i
pssoftl
y.
Iwalkedhimt othecarandbi dhimfar ewelland
thenthereaft
erhadbreakfast.I
t’
ssti
llwei r
dhaving
peoplecurtseyandacknowl edgeyourpr esenceas
youwal kinandout.Somet i
mesIf orgetwhoIam
andwhatIam i nthi
shouse.Byt heway, Iam byfar
theyoungestqueenthiskingdom haseverhad;not
thati
t’
sofanyi mportancebuthey…it’swor thyt
o
note.
*
***
***
***
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***
***
***
***
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*
*
***
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***
*
Thet i
menowi s13:
50andt hereisnosignofmy
husband.IhavepackedandIhaveourt hi
ngsready.
Itri
edcal
linghim about2timesorsoandhedi dn’t
pickup.i
t’sunli
kehimt onotcallmewhenheis
runningl
atehence; Iam al
itt
leworri
ednow.Icall
ed
bothhisdriverandbodyguard,t
hatalsowasadead
end.There’saknockont hedoor.

“
Comei
n”Ishout
ed.Thedooropenedsl
owl
y.

“
Myqueen,
”saysaf
airl
adywi
thshor
thai
randbi
g
browneyesi
nacl
eaner
’suni
for
m st
andi
ngbyt
he
door.

“Pleaselookatmewhenyout al
kingtome…”Isaid.
Ireall
ydon’tgetthisthi
ng…Imean, howarewe
supposedt ohavepr operconver
sationswi
thother
peopleiftheycan’tlookatusintheeyes.

“Iwasinst
ruct
ednott
o,”shesays.she’
snew…she
smell
sandsoundsnew.

“Here’salit
tlesecr
et,I
’m notfr
om aroyal
family…I
’mj ustanordinarygi
rl
,Ij
usthappent
o
havef al
lenforyourformerking’
sson…soyoudon’
t
real
lyhavet odoallthatbowingshitt
ome,”

Shechuckl
edandthenl
if
tedherheadup,“
The
el
der
sar easki
ngf
oryouinthethr
oneroom,”
“Iwi
llbethere,
”shecur t
seyedandt henexit
ed.I
wonderwhatt heseancientpeoplewantfrom me
now…I’veal
readymadei tclearthatfr
om 13:00Iam
busy.MeaningIwon’ tbetheirqueenunti
lIcome
backfrom t
hehot elwit
hmyhusbandwhoi snot
showingup.
WhenIwal kedi n,t
heyallstoodandshout ed,
“MamaWesi zwe,”Ial
waysacknowl edgethem by
bowingmyheadal i
tt
leandsmi li
ngher eandt her
e.
Afterhavingt akenmyseatont hethrone,theysat
downaswel l
.Imustadmi t;walki
ngi ntot
hi sroom
tomeett heel derswit
houtmyhusbandbef oreme
makesmef eelabitsmallandinsignifi
cant,thisi
s
hisfamilyaf t
erall.

“Youcalledmemyelders,
”theatmospherefeelsa
bitsourandoutoft
heordinar
y.TheGreatqueen
mot her
’seyesar
eredandpuffy…Ical
lherthegr eat
queenmot herj
ustt
oacknowledgeherseniori
ty.

“
Ther
eisnobet
terwayofsayi
ngt
his,
”Li
khakha’
s
fat
herspoke.Okay,whatinthewor ldishappeni
ng?
“We’vej
ustrecei
vedacallinformingust hatour
son…yourhusbandhasunf ortunatelypassedaway,
hewaskill
ed.”whatthefuckishet alki
ngabout?I
l
ookedathim…Likhakhasaidhewoul dbeback
and…

”Hisdri
verandbodyguar dar eoutsidewait
ingtobe
call
edtocomeandexpl ainwhatr eall
yhappened.
Allweknowi sthatitwasahi jacki
ng”hisuncle
says.I’
m st
il
ltr
yingt ofeelmyself…noneofwhat
they’
resayi
ngismaki ngsenset ome.it’
sasthough
theyarespeaki
ngi nanot herl
anguage.

“Whatdoyoumeanhewaski ll
ed?”Ifi
nal
lygot
somewor dsout
.If
eelsickt
othepitofmy
stomach…why?Hecan’tbedead.
“Mydaught
er…”Hi
smom cr
ied.“
Youhavet
obe
str
ong…”
“Getmehi sbodyguardanddriver
…Now!”I
commanded.Myhusbandi snotdead.Iref
useto
beli
evewhatt heyaresayi
ngtome.Manuelwal ked
i
nwi thanotherguybehindhim.bothbl
oodyand
dir
ty.Youcant el
lthey’
vebeenroughedup.“Tel
lme
everyt
hingManuel ,
”

“
Myqueen”hewentdownononekneeandsodi
d
t
heot
herguy.

“Thi swasn’ tarandom hi

jacki
ngmyel ders,i
twas
orchest rated.Thesepeopleknewexactlywhot hey
want ed.Theyshowedupoutofnowher e…about5
oft hem, theyshotourtir
esbeatusup, shottheking
straightint hechestandthenthr
ewhisbodyover
thebr i
dge,”everywordisli
keasharpkni f
estabbing
throughmyhear t.

“Theyj
ustwant
edt
hekingdeadandt heyweresent
bysomeonemyqueen,
”theotherguyint
erj
ected.
“Whatisovert
hebr
idge?
”Iasked.Anywoman
wouldbeintear
snowbutnotme…myhusbandis
notdead.

“Wat
er…”sai
dManuel
,“r
ocks,
rept
il
es…soI
’
ve
hear
d…”
“
Rept
il
es?
”Iasked.

“
snakes,
crocodi
lesmost
ly…”

“
Thankyou,
youar
eexcused.
”Isai
dandt
heyexi
ted.

“Wehavetopr
eparefort
hef
uneral
,maket
hings
qui
ck…”t
heGreatqueenmot
hersays.

“
Wedon’
thaveabody,
”Idi
sput
ed.
“Thepoli
cearethereaswespeakl ookingthrough
thecri
mescenewi ththeirdivers,
”hisunclespeaks.
“Andmychi l
d,t
heyshor thim strai
ghtinthe
chest…ashardasitmi ghtbe,youhavet oaccept
andjustmakesuret hatyougi veyourhusbanda
digni
fi
edsendoff”

“Nobody,nofuneral
!AsfarasIam concernedmy
husbandisnotdead…heisouttherei
njuredandI
needtofi
ndhim,”Istoodupandsodi dthey.
“Excusememyel ders,
”Iheadedfort
hedoor .

“
Mamawesi
zwe,
”theysangasIexi
ted.

Ineedmybr others…ri
ghtnow.Onlytheycan
underst
and.Ibangedt hedoorbehindmeandf el
lto
thefl
oorwithtearspouri
ngoutofmyeyesl ikea
heavyrai
n.Idon’tknowwhatt odonow, Ifeelweak.
WhodoIpr ayt o?God?Mypar ents?The
Dali
ndyeboancest or
sthatputmeher e…butIknowI
needtopray.Ineedt oaskahigherpowerf orhel
p
andst r
engthbutIcan’ tutterasi nglewor d.
“Li
khakha,”somet hingfinall
ycameoutofmy
mout h,“
Youcannotl eaveme, youknowIcan’ tdo
thi
swi t
houtyou. ”Likhakhacannothearmer i
ght
nowbutIneedt ospeakwi thhi m.“Iswearonyour
ancestorsLikhakha, i
fyoul eave,Iwi l
lneverforgi
ve
you…andIwi l
lhateyouf oral lofeterni
ty,
”I
screamedont hetopofmyl ungs.Ididn’tcarewho
heardme.”Getup! ”Isaidt omysel f.“Getupr i
ght
now!”Icommandedmysel fandt henobeyed.Ican’ t
fal
lapart.Myhusband’ skingdom needsme…my
peopleneedme.
Iqui
ckl
yrant
omyphoneandcal
ledMzamo.

“
MYQUEEN,
”hepi
ckedup.

“BHUT’WAM…INEEDYOU,
”Ipausedt
ocat
chmy
breat
h.“ALLOFYOU,
”

“
SITTI
GHT,
IWI
LLBETHEREI
NANHOUR…”he
hungup.

[
01/05,13:
58] :ASNAKEKNOWSMOREABOUT
WHATI SHAPPENI NGAROUNDTHANANYOTHER
CREATURE, BECAUSEI
THASNOEARSTOLI STEN
TOGOSSI P-ONLYDIRECTPERCEPTI
ON.-Jaggi
Vasudev

ENTRY77

Thefai
rski
nnedgi
rlwal
kedi
nonmewi
pingmy
tear
yeyes.
“Nobuhl
e,”shesayscal
mly.Ilookedathershocked
atheari
ngmynamewi t
hinthesewall
s.

Ichuckl
ed,“
Yes,
”Isai
dtr
yingtokeepthetearsat
baybutthat
’st
oolat
ebecausemyf acei
salready
wet.
“Ij
ustf oundoutaboutyourhusband…Iam real
ly
sorr
yt hatyouhavet ogothr
ought hi
s”shesays.I
l
ookedatherandsawwhatIal waysseeinVuyiswa,
whichi swhatmymom had.Shel ooksli
kea
bel
iever ;shebel
ievesi
nsomet hi
ng…thestench
encir
clesherentirebei
ng.“I
fyouneedsomeonet o
tal
kto…oranyt hi
ngatall,
ndikhona”(I
’
m here)

“
Hei
snotdead…”Isai
d.f
uck!Ibel
ievet
hat
.

“
Myqueen…t
heysai
d…”

“Iknowwhattheysai
d…”Ii
nter
ject
edabr
upt
ly,
almostst
ernl
y.
“
Howdoyouknowhei
snotdead?
”sheasked.

“
Well
,Icanf
eeli
tinmybones,
”Ihopeshedoesn’
t
j
udgeme.
“
Doyoubel
ievewhatyouar
esayi
ng?
”Inodded.

“
Wit
hal
lmyhear
t.Icanst
il
lfeel
him…”

“
Verywellt
hen,Ibel
ieveyout
oo”shesai
dandIf
elt
ali
tt
lebi
tofhopeinvadingmyhear
t.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
what
’syourname?
”Ihadt
oask.

“
Hope,
”shesai
dwi
thawar
m smi
le.

HopeandIt
alkedforabouthal
fanhourunt
ilmy
br
other
swal
kedi n.

“Pl
easeexcuseus,”Isaidrubbinghershoulders.
Shenoddedanddi dasIasked.“ Si
tplease”Isaidto
mybr ot
her
sandt heyallsatatthebottom ofthe
bed.Ist
oodinfr
ontoft hem readytospeakand
hopef
ull
ynotsoundcr
azy.

“Whatisi
t?Ihadtoleaveint
hemiddl
eofan
i
mpor t
antconf
erencecallwi
tht
heJapanese,
”Mzi
says.

“
Youfinal
lygott
hem,gr
eatwor
kbro’”Mandl
a
t
appedhisshoul
derf
orjobwel
ldone.

“
TheysayLikhakhaisdead…”Ican’
tevenget
myselft
osaythatsent
encewithoutwanti
ngt
o
r
egurgit
atei
nsi
demymout h.

“Fuck!Baby…”Mandl
asai
dtohimsel
f.Icoul
dsee
sadnessoverwhel
mingt
hem.“Whathappened?
”he
asked.

“Theysayhewasshor
tdur
ingahij
acki
ng,
onthe
chest…andt
henhi
sbodywasthr
ownoverthe
br
idgei
ntot
hewat
er”Isummar
izedwhatt
heyt
old
me.

“
Areyouokaysi
s?”Mziasked.

“
Youkeepsayi
ng‘
theysay’
”Mzamoi
sont
her
ight
t
rack.

“YesMzamo…asint
hat’
swhatshewastol
d…i
t’s
simpl
eEngl
ish,
”Mandl
arubbedhi
sfor
ehead.

“ShutupMandla,youarenotget
ti
ngt
his.
Somethingisnotri
ght
”Mzamosayswithhiseyes
fi
xedonmi ne.

“Br
oherhusbandi
sdead…obvi
ousl
ysomet
hingi
s
notri
ght
…”
“
That
’swhatt
heysay…”Iemphasi
zedont
hat
.
“
Wait
!”Mzif
ixeshi
seyesonme.“Iknowthatl
ook?
”
t
hankGodMziisal
sogett
ingonboard.

“Youdon’
tbel
ievet
hem,
doyou?
”askedMzamoas
hestood.

“
Wai
twhat
?”Mandl
aisst
il
llost
.Asusual
.

“JesusChristMandl
a!Ar
eyoueverpresent
?She
doesn’tbel
ieveBabyi
sdead”Mzihi
tthebackof
Mandla’shead.

“Guys,Icanf
eelhiminmybones…Icanstil
lfeel
him.heisnotdead…pl
easehel
pme”I’m desperat
e
here.

“
We’
reoni
t”Mzisai
dandt
hatmademeexhal
e.
Af t
ermybr othersl eft
;Iwasl ef
talonewi thmy
thought s.Ihavet ocomeupwi thapl ant ost al
l…I
needt ost allt
hef ami l
yf r
om preparingf ormy
husband’ sfuneral.Ineedt i
met of i
ndhi m because
thereisnowayi nhel lIam wearingbl ackf orthe
next…Idon’ tevenf orhowl ongandIcan’ tjustsiton
amat tressbehi ndadoor ,Ihavet hi
ngsIneedt odo.
LiketheschoolIam t ryi
ngt ofi
xandaki ngdom I
needt ol ead.Aknockont hedoordi sturbedmy
trai
noft houghts.

“Ent
er”Iannounced.I
t’
stheQueenmot
her
.I
curt
seyed,“
GreatQueenmother”

“Iam happythatmysonspenthislastdayswith
you,Nobuhle”Ihel
dmyselfbackfr
om cutti
ngher
shortbecausewhatsheissayi
ngisnonsense.“The
elder
sarewai t
ingf
oryouinthethr
oner oom,”
“Givemeami nut
eplease,letmeputonsomet hi
ng
else,
”Ist
il
lhadonthetightsandturt
leneckf
rom
whenIwasl eavi
ngwithLikhakha.

“I
t’l
lbebrief…changi ngcanwai t
”shest eppedaside
andpavedt hewayf ormewi t
hherar m.Iobeyed,
didn’
twantt ochangeanyway.Iwal kedinand
everyonest ood.Havi ngtoalwayswal ktothatsi
t
withtheelder sjuststandi
ngandwai ti
ngformet o
givethem per missiontositalwaysmademe
uncomf ortable,butitsal
soar eminderthatit
’snot
aget hatpeopl erespectbutme.

“Myel ders,youmaysi t,
”Isaidmakingmysel f
comf ort
ableont heedgeofmyseat .Ilookedtomy
l
eftanddi dn’tfindLikhakhaseatedt here.Thatsent
agut -
wr enchingf eel
ingtotheverypi tofmy
stomach.Ican’ tdot hiswithouthi
m, what ’
saqueen
withoutherki ng.Wi t
houtLikhakhaIam notevena
queen…Iam nobody.
“Uponr eceivi
ngthesaddeni ngnewsaboutourki ng,
wewai tedont hepol i
ceandt hediversforthei
r
repor t
.Theyar eherenowwi ththatreport,
”the
King’sadvi sorspokeopeni ngt hemeet ing.“MayI
bringt hem through,myqueen”Inoddedandhe
wal kedout .Wewai tedanxi ously.Itr
iedtocompose
mysel fandst il
lbethegr acef ulqueentheyexpect
met obe.Myhear ti
sbeat ingl i
keaj ungledrum,
palmsar esweat i
ng, andmyt onguei sasdryas
thoughIhadn’ thadwat erisdays.I fIstood–Ibet
youmybot tom doll
ar–mykneeswoul ddr agmeto
thegr ound.Adet ectivewal kedinwi thapoliceman
i
nuni f
or m.

“
Off
icer
s,wel
come”Isai
d.

“
Myqueen,
”thedet
ect
ivesai
d.

“
Whatdi
dyouf
ind?
”Iasked.
“MayIappr oachyou? ”heasked.Inodded.Het ook
outat ranspar entplasti
cinwhi chhecollected
evidencef r
om hi sbagandwal kedupt ome.“ The
colonelcoul dn’tbeher ehersel
fsosheaskedme
andmypar t
nert ocomeandshowyouwhatwe
found,”hesai dt aki
ngoutamar oonwaistcoatandI
i
mmedi atelyremember edfixi
nghi sout
fitthis
mor ni
ng.“ Doyour ecognizethi
sma’ am,”Likhakha’s
mom cr i
ed.Inodded.

“Hewaswearingitthi
smor ni
ng,
”Isaid.Thebackof
mythroati
sburningbecauseeveryt
hingthatis
happeni
ngisonlyprovi
ngthatLi
khakhai sdead.

“Wefoundinthewat er,
alongwithbl
oodypiecesof
awhitemater
ial…t
ornandi tl
ookedfresht
oof r
esh
tohavebeenthereforawhi l
e.Doyouknow
anyt
hingaboutawhi temateri
al?Maybeashirtor
j
ackethewaswear ing?”Heasked.

“
Hewaswear
ingawhi
teshi
rt
…”Ir
eal
lydi
dn’
twant
togivethisdetecti
veal
lthisi
nformati
on,i
twil
lgive
him everyreasontowantdeclaremyhusband
dead…andever ythi
ngwillbereal
.Icannotbea
widowat26!Ir efuse!“
Detect
ive,di
dyouf i
ndhi
s
body?”Iaskedwhatever yoneinthi
sroom wantsto
know.

“
No,
”

“
Thenhemi
ghtst
il
lbeal
ive”Isai
d.

“Myqueen, wedidn’tfi
ndanybl oodoutsi
dethe
wateroranythingprovingthathemighthavemade
i
tandmaybel ookedforhelp.It
’scl
ean.Thekingi
s
dead…prepareforabur ial
,
”

“
Icannotburymyhusbandwi
thoutabody!
”Isai
d
wit
hathinkstaccat
o.
“Weconcl udedt
hathewaseatenbythe
crocodi
les…orwhatever
!”her
aisedhi
svoi
ce.

“
Orwhatever
?Youar
eadetect
iveandallyouhave
i
sthathewaseat
enbyacr
ocodileorwhatever
!”

“Myapologi
esmyqueen.We’vehi
tadeadend…we
can’
twasteti
meandresour
cesonfindi
ngyour
husband’
sbody.Now;wehavetotr
yandfi
ndthe
ki
ll
ers,
”

“Anddonotdar
erai
seyourvoi
ceatmedet
ect
ive…,
”
hewentdownonhisknees.

“
Ndl
ovukazi
…”hesai
dlowl
y.

“Fi
ndthem becauseifIfi
ndthem mysel
f;Iwil
lnot
bri
ngthem toyou…”Itookadeepbreathinandthen
out.“
Thankyou–youmayl eave”helef
twithhis
part
ner.Theelder sandIsati
nsilenceforaminut
e,
Ithi
nkweal lneedt otakei
nthatinfor
mationand
j
ustdigestit
.unlikeme–ever yoneherehas
accept
edt hatthekingisdead.

“
Mal
ume,
”(Uncl
e)Ical
led.

“
Myqueen,
”hest
ood.

“Pl
easehel
pmesetupameetingwi
ththecol
onel
.I
needhert
ocomehereassoonaspossi
ble…”

“Mayenzek’i
ntandoyakhoNdlovukazi,
”(Letyourwi
ll
bedonemyqueen)hebowedhi sheadandt hen
exi
ted.That’sonethi
ngI’
vealwayslikedabout
malume, hedoesn’twast
etime.Youspeakandhe
get
si nt
oi t
.Ifi
guredwit
hLikhakhagoneIshoul d
puthimintogooduse.
“Iam sur
esupperwillbereadysoon,l
et’
sendt
he
dayandseewhatt omorrowbr i
ngs.
”Isai
dand
l
ookedatallt
hepresenteldersandcouncil
member soneit
hersideoftheroom.“Youmaybe
excused,
”

Theylef
tther
oom andleftmebymyselfwit
hmy
thought
sandLikhakha’
semptychai
r.WhatdoIdo
now?

“Li
khakhauyadika!”(Li
khakhayou’
reannoyi
ng)I
sai
dundermybr eathlooki
ngathischai
r.I
saac,
the
gateguar
dwal kedi n.

“Mamawesi zwe,”Il
ookedathi
mi ntheeyespaying
him att
ent
ion.“
AmannamedSi zweisoutside,he
requestst
oseeyounow.Hesayshei sfamilyandI
rememberyousai dweshouldalwaysletyour
familymembersin,”
Sizwe!Ihaven’theardthatnamei nages.Thel ast
ti
meIsawhi m wasatmyweddi ng.Hejust
disappearedli
keheneverexi st
ed.Mzamol ooked
forhim ever
ywher ebuthecouldn’ tfi
ndhim.
Makhul uevengaveuponf indi
nghi m.“Lethimi n”I
fi
xedmyeyesont hedoorwai t
ingt oseeifi
t’
sreally
him.Hewal kedinl ooki
nghealthyandal i
ve.Istood
andwal kedupt ohim withopenar ms.

“
Buhl
ebam,
”hesaysembr
aci
ngme.

“Sizwe,”it
’shardformet osay‘
bhuti
’tohi
m af
ter
everythingthathappened.Ij
ustcan’
tbri
ngmyself
toutterthatword.“Whereonearthhaveyoubeen?”
Itookhi shandandl eadhimtooneoftheseat
s,
“Hlala”(Si
t)

“
Her
eandt
her
e…her
eandt
her
e.”

“
Sizwe,
youl
it
eral
lydi
sappear
ed.Mzamol
ookedf
or
youever
ywher
eandmakhul
u,shewasj
ustsad.
”

“
Iknow,Ij
ustneededtodealwit
haf
ewt
hingsbut
I
’
m backnow.I’
m hereforyou,
”

“
It
’sgoodt
oseeyou,
”

“Ihearyourboyf
rienddi
ed,
”hesayst
hatl
ooki
ngat
Likhakha’
schair
.

“Myhusbandyoumean…hmmm t heyhaven’
tfound
hisbodysomyhear
twil
lnotacceptunti
lIseehis
body,
”

“Iheart
heythr
ewhi m overt
hehi
ghwaybr
idge…t
he
crocodi
lesmusthaveeatenhim,
”

“
Youknowsomuchaboutt
his,
theyar
erel
easi
ng
thest
oryi
nt omorrow’snewspapersonoone
knowsbutthefami l
yandtheselect
eddet
ect
ives
worki
ngont hecase,”

“ImetMzamoearl
ierandheupdatedmewhenItol
d
him Iwascomi
ngtoseeyou…”hiseyeswander
ed
around.

“Okay…woul
dyouliketostayforsupper?”t
hings
aresoawkwardbetweenus.Hef eelsl
ikeastranger
andSizweisnotastranger
.Igrewupbel i
evi
ngt hat
hewasmybr other
.

“Nah,Ican’
tbewiththoseupti
ghtr
oyalpeople,
that
i
sexcludingyouofcourse.ButmaybeyouandIcan
goonadat etomorroworthenextday…orevery
day?”hesaysthatwithasmirk.

“
Adate,Si
zwe…I
’mthequeenofthi
skingdom and
myhusbandj
ustdi
ed.I
maginetheheadli
nesofthat
scoop,
”het
ookmyhandashest
ood.

“
Iwil
lseeyousoon,
”heburi
edmei nhi
sar
mshe
t
henkissedmyfor
eheadandlef
t.

[
01/05,
13:
58] :FORAKI
NG,DEATHI SBETTER
THANDETHRONEMENTANDEXILE.-Theodor
a

ENTRY78

Laterthatday;aftergoingovermydr essdesi
gn
withZane, Iwenthomet oseemybr other
s.They
askedt ocomeandseemebutIneededt ogetout
ofthehouse.Ever yonei si
naf uner
almoodandI
am justst i
cki
ngoutl i
keasoret humb.Icamewi th
mydr iver/bodyguard,Mbasa.Hewasoneoft he
peoplet hatwelcomedmewhenIst artedworkingat
thepalacesoofcour seIchosehimt ofol
lowme
everywher eIwent.
“Khanya,pl
easeaskMbasatocomei nandgivehi
m
somethingtodri
nkwhi
le.I
’
m sti
llbusywit
hthe
boys,
”

“
Yesmyqueen,
”shesai
d.

“
Don’
tst
artKhanya…”

Mybr other
sandIarehavingasmallmeeti
ng
regardi
ngwhattheyfound.Wealwayshavea
meet i
nginmyroom, whichnowhasgym
equipmentandboxes.

“Mzi,
whatishappeni
ngher
e?Thi
sismyr
oom,
”I
cri
edlooki
ngaround.

“
Sis,
youdon’
tst
ayher
eanymor
e…”
“Fairenough,”Isatontheedgeoft hebedwhi l
e
theystoodrightinfrontofme.“Didyouf i
nd
anythingpromising?”Iasked.Theyplayedthe
l
ooki nggame.Mandl ai
slookingatMzamo, Mzamo
i
sl ookingatMziandMzii sl
ookingatMandl a.

“Fi
ne,”Mandl
abr okethesi
lence, “Nosis…ther
eare
afewhousesupaheadsoweaskedar oundandno
oneseemedt ohaveseenanyt hingoranymant hat
l
ooksl i
keBaby,supposi
ngt hathemi ghthave
survi
vedandwentl ooki
ngforhel p,”

“
Whatar
eyousayi
ngt
ome?
”Iasked.

“
Gobackandmour
nyourhusband,
”sai
dMzi

“Ican’t
..
.I,
”myvoi
cecr
ackedmi
d-sent
ence.Mzamo
kneltbeforemeandt
ookmyhandsintohi
s.
“
It
’sokaysi
s…”sai
dMandl
a.

“It’
snotfai
rbhuti…”IsaidlookingatMzamowi t
h
tearstr
ickl
ingdownmycheeks.Icl osedmyeyes
tryi
ngtocont ai
nt heamountofr ageIf eelburni
ng
i
nsi deofme.Iwi shtherewassomeonet oblameor
kill
…Iwoulddoi t
.Istoodandwal kedtot hewindow
toopeni t
.I’
m soangr y…howl ongdoIhavet okeep
l
osi ngpeopleinmyl i
fe,peopl
el ove?

“Ineedsomeonetoblame,Ineedt
opunish
someoneforthi
s.Theremustbeblood,
”

“
Sis!”Mzisaid.It
urnedaroundwi
thalookedathi
m
wit
hgazeI ’
m sureheldnothi
ngbutr
age.

“
What
?!?
”
“Youcan’
ttal
kliket
hat.We’l
lfi
ndoutwhodidt
his
andthentakecareofi
t.Yourhandsmustbecl
ean,
queen,
”Iwalkeduptohim.
“
Ifyou…”letmecorrectmysel
f,“
Whenyouf
ind
whoeverdidthi
s;br
ingthem t
omeali
ve…”

“
Yourhandsneedt
obecl
ean,
wewi
llt
akecar
eof
i
t,
”

“Myhandshavebeencoveredi
nbloodsinceIwas
19year
sold.”Iki
ssedeachoft
hem onthecheek,
“I
l
oveyou,Ineedtogetback,
”
Uponmyar ri
valatthepal
aceIwast oldthatthe
col
onelhadbeenwai ti
ngforme.InoticedthatIhad
missedcal
lsfrom malumebutIdidn’tbothercal
li
ng
backbecauseIwasal r
eadyonmywayback.

“
Col
onel
,
”Isai
dwal
kingi
n.
“
Ndl
ovukazi
,
”shest
ood.

“Pl
ease,seat
,”Isatont
hecouchi
nf r
ontofher
.
“Youaskedtoseeme, I
’
m sorr
yIcouldn’
tcomeany
sooner
!”

“Iunderst
and.Youmustbever ybusy.AndIcan
i
magi ne–asawomani namal edomi natedfiel
d
andposi t
ion,
youmusthavet owor k10t i
mes
harder,
”Idon’tneedheranymor e.Mybr other
s,
whom It r
ustwithmywhol ehear thavelookedint
oit
,
soiftheyaresayingIshouldletitgo;thenI
probablyshould.“AndIam sorrytohavekeptyou
waiti
ng,”

“Iunderstand.Youarealsowalkinginsomebi g
shoes.Theyoungestqueenofourt i
me…Imeant hat
i
snochi l
d’splay.I
fnoonehast oldyou, letmebe
thefir
sttosay;youar edoingagr eatjob.Whatyou
aredoingatt heschool,i
sbeyondmeandIhearyou
arelookingintodoingthesamewi t
hanot her
school
,
”

“Hmmm yeah!Il oveeducat i

onandIam al lf
or
chil
drengettingthebesteducat ionwi ththebest
facil
it
iesandeducat or
ssot heydon’ tmakeexcuses
wheni tcomest ogoi ngaftertheirdreams.School
washar dforme, aft
ermymom di ed,t
hingsgot
reall
yhardathome.Butmybr othersandf at
her
wer everysuppor ti
ve…butwhataboutt hosekids
withoutbrothersorf at
herslikemi netotakecareof
them,”

“Hmmm…Icanonl yimagi
ne.Havi nganaccessi
ble
queenl i
keyoumakesiteasierfortheyout
h;
especial
lyyounggir
lst
oappr oachyou.andIli
ke
thatyouareacti
veonsocialmedi a”

“Lookatusmumbl ingon”webot hchuckl

ed.“List
en,
Ijustwantedtohearfr
om youwhatt hedet
ective
toldmebutIdidmyowni nvest
igat
ingandmy
sourcestellmet
omour nmyhusband, ”Isi
ghed.
“
Butitseemslikeyouarest
il
lnotconvi
ncedabout
i
t?”shesqui
ntedhereyesexamini
ngme.

“Wit
houtabody,
Ijustcan’tshakethefeel
ingthat
myhusbandisoutthere.Ifeell
ikeIcanst
illf
eel
him…”myeyesstart
edt ear
ingbutIquickl
ycleaned
them.

“Noonecouldhavesurvivedt
hat
,Nobuhl
e…”t
he
factt
hatshecalledmebymynamemademeso
happy.Noonewascal l
ingmebymynamei nthi
s
housebutLikhakha.

“
Iknow…butmaybemyhusbanddi
d,”

“Maybeyouneedtotalktosomeone.Iwi
llsendyou
hercont
actdet
ail
s…it
’sforyourowngood.This
ki
ngdom wil
lneedyou,”
“That’
strue.Ican’
taffor
dtoloseit
,”Isi
ghedand
smiledather,“Thankyou,Iwil
lbewaiti
ngfort
he
detail
sthencolonel,
”

“Nobuhl
e,j
ustcal
lmeSasha…Imi
sshear
ingmy
owndamnname! ”
“Iwasjustt
hinkingthatafewsecondagowhenI
heardmynamecomi ngoutyourname,
”wel
aughed.
Likegenui
nelylaughed.

“Haaaman!”shesmi
led,“
Thi
shasbeenrefr
eshing.
Andifyouneedme,notasacol
onelbutasSasha,
buthi
tmeup,”

“
Iwi
llSasha,
thankyou,
”

IwalkedSashaout.Imadeadetourtothethr
one
room;Likhakhal
ovedthi
sthr
one,probabl
ymor e
thanhelovedmeandIguessIf eelclosesttohi
m
whenI’m here.Isatonhi sseat
,closedmyeyesand
thentr
iedtoconcent r
atemyener gyont he
ambianceoft histhr
oner oom.Maybei fIsitst
il
lfor
j
ustalitt
lewhi l
e,Iwil
lfeelhi
m,orhear
him…anything.

“Nobuhl
e!”Ij
umpedatthesoundofmyname.i
t’
s
Vuyo’
smom.Whati sshedoingher
e?

“
Mama,”Ij
umpedt omyfeet
.Mbasacamei
nfl
ying
f
oll
owedbyIsaacandmalume.

“
I’
m sorrymyqueen, Iaskedhert
owai
tbutshef
lew
r
ighti
n,”Isaacapol
ogized.

“
Shoul
dIgetr
idofher
?”Mbasaasked.

“
No,
leaveher
…”
“Thulaninonke, ”( Shutup!al lofyou. )Iknow
this…hereyest urnedwhi teandt henshef ellonher
kneesbef or eme.Mbasat ri
edt opul lherawaybutI
wavedmyi ndexathi m,hest oppedandt ookast ep
back.Shel ookedmest r
aighti ntheeyesandt hen
breathedi nloudl y,hervoicewasr aspyanddeep.
“NdlovukaziyoDal i
ndyebo,”( Dal i
ndyeboQueen, )
shesai d.Themi nutehervoi cechangedIknew
Vuyo’smom hadl ongleftthebui lding.Thi sissome
spiri
t.Iwentdownonmykneest ol evel upwi t
hher .
Likhakha’spar ent swalkedi nhast ily.“Amaxesha
obumnyamaaf ikil
e,li
zochithekai gazi”(Dar kti
mes
areher e,bloodwi l
lspil
l)“Bazokuzel a,kodwa
ungokhet hekileyo…”( Theywi llcomef oryou, but
youar ethechosenone)whot hehel lwillcomef or
me?“ Hmmm, yhoooyhooo!Nabobusi za
ubumnyama.Buzogcwal akul omzi wonke…zi mela”
(Herecomest hedar kness, i
t’llfil
lthisent irehouse.
Hide!)

“
Andi
qondikakuhl
e”(
Idon’
tunder
stand)Isai
d.
“Kumnyama…”(It
sdark)shetur nedherheadand
l
ookedatmalumeandt hef or
merki ng.Hergaze
keptt
hem inpl
aceforami nute.“Kumnyama.
Zimel
a!”(
It
sdarkhide)

Aft
erthatsheflewoutcryi
ng.Whati
nt heworld
wasthat?Ilookedatmalumeandthefor merki
ng
t
heywer ealsoasconfusedandascluelessasI
was.
*
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
*
*
***
***
***
***
***
**
Ij
ustneedsomet hingr i
ghtnowt hatwi llconvi nce
met hatmyhusbandi snomor ebecauseIwi lldie
bel
ievingthatheisst il
loutthere.OrmaybeIj ust
havetoaccept ;maybet hent hi
ngswi llgetbet ter
soon.Again;Ican’tletLikhakhago, Ican’ thei smy
soulmate,thel
oveofmyl if
e…myf irstboyf ri
endand
husband.HowcanIj ustletgoofever ythingand
j
usthaveacer emonywi t
ht heenti
reki ngdom and
camer asandthenmoveonwi t
hl i
fe.Imeant hi s
guywascr azyenought
oaskmet omar r
yhim at19.
Nowher eIam befor
emyf amil
y,f
riendsandmedi a
wit
hnothingbutabigpi
ctureofLikhakhabeforeme
andIhavet osaysomet
hingqueenly-Somet hi
ng
di
gnif
iedandsaygoodbyet ohi
m.Howi sthateven
humanlypossibl
e?

“Mypeople,”Iutteredwhent hesingingdi
eddown.I
am shaki
ngsobad, notbecauseIam scaredof
speaki
nginf rontofpeoplebutbecauseIam scar ed
ofadmitt
ingthathei sgone.Iam scaredofsaying
goodbyetohi m.Iam notr eady.“I…I
…OhGod! ”I
bowedmyheadt ot r
yandcont rolmytears.If
elta
handonmyshoul derswhenIl ookedupandsaw
Mzamo.“ Bhuti,Ican’tdothi
s…”

“Youcanandyouwi
ll
…youhear
?”hehuggedme.
Thechurchl
adi
esst
art
edasongwhil
eMzamot r
ied
tocomposeme.

“
Idon’
twantt
odot
hisMzamo,
Ijustwantt
ogo
homewi t
hyouguys.Ican’tl
osehi
m…”Isobbed
undermybreathandinthemeanti
methecameras
werecl
icki
ngthist
othem meantagoodstor
y.

“Breat
hei
n,”hesai
dwhi
leIwasst
il
lbur
iedinhi
s
arms.Mandlacamewi
thMziwhowascarryi
nga
bottl
eofwater
.

“Sis,haveasip,”Mziopenedthebot tl
ef ormeandI
tookasi p.Havingthem ri
ghtnexttomemakesme
feell
ikeIam notexposedt othemedi aandt he
wor l
d.“Nowbr eathein,
”Iobeyed,“Nowl et’
scount
tothree,”If
eltMandla’sfi
ngertappingthreeti
mes
onmyl owerbackandt henweal lexhaled.

“
Wecandot
his,
”Mzamosai
d.

“Usemystrengt
h,”sai
dMandl a,“
Ndim amandla
akhongoku,
”(Iam yourst
rengthnow.)Inodded.
“Okay,wecandot hi
s,”Isai
dwithashakyvoi ce.
“Thankyou,boys,
”theywentbacktotheirseats.My
famil
yalwaysseatswi t
htheroyalf
amily,sothey
areri
ghtinfr
ontwher eIcanseethem anddraw
str
engthfrom t
hem.Ilif
tedupmyhandandt he
musicdieddown.

“
Kunzi
ma,
”(I
t’
shar
d)Isai
dint
othemi
crophone.

“
Hmmm”somepeopl
eint
hecr
owdsympat
hized
wit
hme.

“ImetLi khakha,whenIwas19andt herewasjust

somet hingabouthi mthatjustmademewanthi m
around.Iwoul dgot othest ream tofetchwater
hopingI ’
dbumpi ntohim,”Icleanedmyeyes.“ The
dayafterwemett hi
smandeci dedtocomei nt
omy
house, sitdownwi thmyf atherandver y
i
ntimidat i
ngandver yfearedbr other
sandt hen
askedt ospeakt omepr i
vately.Mybr other
sare
here,t
heycant estif
ythathadIhadt hepowert o;I
woul
dhavekill
edhim,”thecr
owdlaughed.“
Imean
what19-
year-
oldgi
rlwantsaboycomingintoher
hometotal
ktoherfatherandbr
other
s…buthedid.
Li
khakhadi
d,”

Remember inghowLi khakhaandImetmakesmy

heartsof tal i
ttl
e.Iam speaki ngwi thoutf i
ghtingt he
urget ocr y.Ther earesmi l
esher eandt here.“He
didn’tevent ellmehewasapr ince.I magi ne!”al oud
l
aughcamef rom thecongr egat ion.“ Asmanyof
youmayknow, Iam notf rom ar oyalf ami lybutyour
kingf oughtf orourl ove…hebel ievedi nitmor ethan
Idid.Mor et hananyoneel sedid…hest oodbyme,
hesuppor tedme, hehealedmeandevenwhenwe
hadbr okenupf orabout5year sorso, hewasst il
l
therei nthebackofmymi ndl i
nger ing.Henever
mademef eell i
keIwasnotgoodenough.I ’m sur e
hebel ievedIwasSuper woman, noonel ookedat
met heywayyourki nglookedatme.i fIam t odi e
now, Iwi lldiepeacef ul
lyknowi ngt hatIhavet ast ed
truelove.Iwi llnotsaygoodbyet omybestf riend.I
wi l
lnott ellhimt orestinpeace.Li khakhamyl ove,I
l
oveyousomuchandnoone…Imeannoonecoul d
everoccupymyhear tli
keyoudo.Fornow, j
ust
relax;Iwi
llseeyousoon,”Iwentbacktomyseat
andt hechurchladi
esstart
edanothersong.
LikhakhaandMziwer everyclose;hewashisbest
man, soheal soget
stospeak.

“Mandi bul
isekuninonke,
”(Igreetyoual l,
)the
crowdr esponded.“Man…”hesi ghedl oudly.“We
nicknamedhi m Babyjustt
ot easeoursi sterand
thatnamest uckaroundandt oushewi l
lforeverbe
Baby.AndIhavet oadmitthathel ovedmyl i
ttl
e
sistermorethanthethreeofusdi dandt hatisallI
everwant ed,someoneIcouldt rustherwi t
handhe
wast hatperson.Hewi l
lbemi ssedandhewi l
l
foreverli
veinmyhear tasmybr other,f
ri
endandi n-
l
aw.Il oveyouBaby.Resteasy”

Wit
hnobody;wecan’ tgotothecemetery.Food
wasserved,Ihadani
ntervi
ewwithoneoft he
newspaperswhichLi
khakha’
sfatherbeggedmet o
have.Ididitonlybecausehespoket omel ikeIwas
ahumanbei ng.Hepl acedhi shandonmyshoul der
andsaid;“Pleasedoi tformyson, ”andforami nut e
IsawLikhakhai nhi seyesandIr emember edjust
whohewasandwhathemeantt omewhenwef i
rst
met.Mybr othersandt heirpar t
nersstayedal i
ttle
whil
elongerj ustunt ilIwassl eepyandt henl eftme.
Nowt hateveryonei sgone–Icanf eelt
hevoi d.The
enti
rehousei sdar k,peopl ear esleepingandIam
upplayingcandycr ushbecauseIcan’ tsl eep.
Todaymadeever yt hingr ealandIam st illrefusing
tobeli
eveit.Iam st il
lhopi ngt hatsomeonewi ll
wakemeupandt ellmeI ’
m havi ngabaddr eam.
ButFolks,t
hisi sasr ealasi tgets…Myhusbandi s
gone.

[
01/05,
13:59] :IFEELSURETHATNOGIRL
WOULDGOTOTHEALTERI FSHEKNEW ALL–
QueenVict
ori
a
 ENTRY79

WhenIr eal
izedthatIwasn’
tgoingtosl
eepanytime
soon,Ipackedabagandwenthome.Maybebei ng
wit
hthepeopl eIlovewil
lhelpmehealfast
er.Ihad
tosneakoutofthehouset oavoidwaki
nganyone
up.Itol
dtheguar dbythegatetokeephismouth
shutorhewi l
lfi
ndhimselfjobl
ess.

“MZI”Isai
dwhenIhear
dhi
sbr
eat
hingovert
he
phone.

“BUHLE,I
T’S1I
NTHEMORNI
NG.AREYOUOKAY?
”
heasked.

“
I’
M OUTSI
DE,
PLEASEOPENFORME,
”

“
OK”
Iwai
tedjustaf
ewminutesout
sidet
hegat
ethen
Mzishowedupshi
rt
less.

“
I’
m sor
rybhut
i”Isai
dwal
kingupt
ohi
m.

“I
t’
sokay,
”hehel
dmei
nhi
sar
ms.“
Iam happyyou
areher
e,”
Iwentintomyr oom andtri
edt omakemysel f
comf or
tablebutt heboxesandgym equi pment
scatter
edar oundar emakingitdi
ffi
cult.If eelli
ke
I’
m suffocati
ngi nmyownhome.So, Ideci dedt o
sleepinthelivi
ngr oom,Ialsotur
nedont het vand
tunedtot hesoccerhighli
ghtschannelj ustt odrown
myt houghts.

“Buhl
e,
”Ipeel
edmyeyesopenandsawPal esa
hangi
ngoverme.“
Breakf
astwil
lbereadyin5
minut
esandIneedyoutoeat
.”Inodded.

“
Pal
esa,
”Ical
ledj
ustasshewasgoi
ngbackt
o
whereevershecamef
rom.“
Aremybr
other
sat
work?”Iasked.

“No,everyoneisher
ebutMo’”shesmil
ed.“
Khanya
andIwer eabletoconvi
ncet
hem tost
ayhome
today,f
oryou.”

Isatupst
rai
ght
.“Youar
eawesome,
”

Iam sohappyt ohearthatmybr othersarehome.I

willjustcal
lmal umeandtellhim Iwil
lbeathome
today.Ineedt or el
axandjustbewi t
ht hepeopl
eI
l
ove.Af terbrushingmyteethandwashi ngmyf ace;
Ijoinedthefami lyi
nthedini
ngr oom forbreakf
ast.
“
Molweni,”Igreetedtakingaseatnextt
oYell
owboy,
Mandla’
sboyf r
iend.Ididn’tknowhewasaround.
“
You’r
eher e?”Ihuggedhi m.

“Yeah!Mandlatol
dmeyouwer ehomethi
smorni
ng
soIthoughtIshouldcomeandseeyou…I
’
m sor
ryI
coul
dn’
tmakei
ttot
hef
uner
al,
”

“
I’
mjusthappyyouar
eher
enow,
”

“Youshoul
drepor
ttot
heroyalf
amilyt
hatyou’
l
lbe
herewit
hussotheydon’
tgetworr
ied,
”sai
dMzamo

“
Iwi
llbhut
i,
”Isai
d

“Doitnowmyqueen,
”hei nsi
sted.Irol
ledmyeyes
andpickedupmyphone.Iswitchediton…I
swit
cheditof
fwhenIarr
ivedher e.

“Weareallherethewholeday, mostl
yf orBuhle,
”
Mzistart
edspeaking,“Butal
soi t
’saper f
ect
opport
unitytobondasaf amily.Youknowweal l
getbusywi t
hourpersonalli
vesandwor kthatwe
for
getfamily…sotodayIsuggestwej ustbondand
catchup…andalsot r
ytodist
ractBuhleal it
tl
e.She’
s
goi
ngt
hroughat
ought
ime,
”

“Ireal
lyappreciat
eyouguysforthis…i
tmeansalot
tome.Iknewcomi nghomewast hebestwayto
startheal
ing.AndI ’
m sor
ryMz…”myphonest art
ed
beepingcontinuouslysoIpi
ckeditupandlookedat
whatwashappeni ng.Myjawsdropped,“Ohmy!”

“
Isever
ythi
ngokay?
”Mandl
aasked.

“
Thi
sisunbel
ievabl
e…”Isai
dlooki
ngatMandl
a.

“Nobuhle,
thetha!Kwenzwekant oni
?”(Nobuhle,
speak!What’shappeni ng?
)Ican’
tevenbringmyself
tosaysomet hing.Thisissoembarrassi
ng.Njabul
o
snatchedthephonef rom myhandsandl ookedat
whatgotmespeechl ess.

“
Whati
nthewor
ld.Thi
sisal
ie!
”hesai
d.
“I
fyouar enotgoingtosayanyt
hingthenpl
ease
passthephonebabe, ”sai
dMandlasnatchi
ngthe
phonefrom Njabulo.

“Butyoucamehome,”hesays.“Thi
sart
icl
ethat
cameoutt hi
smorni
ngsaysthatshelef
ttheroyal
housetogoandbewi t
hhersecretl
over…t
heyhave
pict
uresofherl
eavi
ngherhusband’
shouseat
night
,”

“Andnopicturesofherwal ki
ngintoherownhome!
Howconveni ent
.”Khanyasai dandscoff
ed.Idon’
t
havetheenergyforthis.Ij
ustburiedmyhusband
yest
erdayandal r
eadypeopl earecomingatme!For
what?!
?“Andwhoi sthissecretl
over?
”

“
Itsaysheaskedt
oremai
nanonymous,
”

“
Bul
lshi
t!
”Mzisai
dunderhi
sbr
eat
h
“Hmmm”Ist ood,
“Mandlapleasechar
gemyphone.
Ineedtobathandthenheadonovertotheroyal
house,
”Ipushedmychairmaki ngwayformysel
f.

“Si
s,”Mzamostoppedme.“
Whatar
eyougoi
ngt
o
do?”heasked.

“
Mineist
ogobackandt
ellthem Iwashome…onl
y
t
hefamil
ydeser
vest
het
ruth,”

“
Wil
lyouhaveapressconf
erencet
oaddr
esst
he
r
umors?
”Palesaasked.

“Ican’
thaveapr essconferenceeveryti
met he
mediasayssomet hingaboutme. ”Imademyway
tomybedr oom whereIfinall
yexhaled.Icoul
dfeel
myeyesbur ni
ngupandget tingwetbutIcan’t
affor
dtocryri
ghtnow…i fIdot hatwil
lonlymake
meweak.
Ishower edandgotmysel freadyt oleave.Ipacked
apai rofj eans, sandalsandacut elit
tletopthatI
boughtonl ine.Dr i
vingbackt omyhusband’ shome
feelslikeIam t akingmyselfstraighttohell.Idon’
t
knowwhatt heybel i
eveorifthey’veseent he
paper …orwhatt heythi
nk.AsIt urneddownt he
streetl eadi
ngt ot hehouse,Isawaswampof
reporter scampi ngoutsi
detheyar d.Istoppedthe
carandcal ledMbasat ocomeandgetme.They
obviousl yfol l
owedhi mt omycar .Bloodymedi a
peopl e!Theykeptknocki ngont hewi ndow
screami ngoutmynameandscr eami ngout
quest ionsaboutmysupposedsecr etloverofmine.

Mbasamanagedtodr
ivet
hrought
hechaosandget
meinsi
det
heyard.

“
Areyouokaymyqueen?
”heasked.

“Yes,
thankyouMbasa,
”Iwenti
nside,changedint
o
somethi
ngpresent
abl
eandthencall
edameet ing
witht hefamil
yandcounci
lmember s.Icanal
ready
seet hatI’
mi ntr
oubl
eandthatIhavealotof
explainingtodo.

“Youmaybeseat
edmyel
der
s.”Isai
d.Ideci
dedt
o
notremai
nst
andi
ng.“
Hmmm…”

“
Whatareyousayi
ngabouttheserumorst
hatwe
wokeupto…youar
eembarrassi
ngt hef
amil
y,
”The
f
ormerki
ngspokeandhonestl
y;Iwasexpect
ing
t
hisfr
om hi
m.

“Si
r,thati
swhyIcal
ledt
hefamil
ymeeti
ngt
o
addressthat
…soi
fyoudon’
tmind;mayi
…”

“
Myson’ sbodyhasonl
ybeenundergr
oundfora
f
ewhour sandalr
eadyyouar
esleepi
ngaround!
”he
i
nter
ject
ed.
“Thisonlymeansshewascheat
ingonour
king..
.har
lot
!”Mal
umesai
dhispi
ece.

Itookadeepbr eat
hinandthensl owlyout.“
Tata,
malume…t hi
sismyt hr
one,IknowIam way
youngerthatbothofyou–inf act–allofyou,but
sofarasIam ont hi
sseatyouwi llr
espectmeand
neverspeakovermeordi st
urbmewhenIam
speaki
ng.Nowi sthatcl
ear?”Iaskedsoftl
y.

“Ndlovukazi
,
”mal umeret
reat
ed.Ilookedatt
he
greatkingwait
ingforhi
sresponse.

“Tat
a,doIneedtohaveyouescor
ted?Iwi
llnotbe
disr
espect
ed…”
“
Iapol
ogi
ze,
”hesai
dhesi
tant
lyso.

“
Who?
”
“
Myqueen,
”hesays.

“NowasIwassayi ngbef or
eIwasr udely
i
nter rupted.”Myeyest ravell
edbet weenmal ume
andLi khakha’ sfat
her.“YesterdayIbur i
edmy
husbandandt henwokeupt ot hesehumi l
iat
ing
rumor saboutmecheat i
ngonmyhi m,”Istart
ed
addr essingt heissue,“Now!Ther umor sarejust
that…r umor s.Icouldnotsl eep,Ineededt obewith
myf ami l
yaf terastressfulandemot i
onalday.SoI
packedabaganddr ovehome…mybr otherscan
attestt othat,”

“
Ofcour
se,
theycan!Theyar
eyourbr
other
s,”
mal
umespoke.

“
That
’si
t!Mbasa,
pleaseescor
thi
m out
”

“
Youcan’
tbeser
ious”hesays.
“Mbasa,please”Iwait
edwhileMbasaescorted
malumeout .“Ij
ustwantedtoputthefami
lyatease.
Thisi
salljustrumors,
”Isatdown.“Doesanyone
haveanythingtosayorask?”

“Youshoul
dhaveapr essconf
erenceandaddress
thi
s…wecan’thaveourqueenassociat
edwithsuch
nonsense,
”oneofthemembersoft hecounci
l
speaks.

“Therewil
lnotbeapr
essconference.Iwi
llnot
addressanythi
ngwi
ththemedia…”Isaid.

“
Howarewegoingtodealwi
tht
hismydaught
er?
”
t
hegr
eatqueenasked.

“Wedon’tdealwit
hitmama.Leavei
tasiti
s…t
hey
star
tedi
tsot her
efor
e,t
heywil
lendi
tthemsel
ves.I
havenot
hingt osaytot
hem…”
“
Withal
lduer
espect
,Ndl
ovukazi
…thatpl
anmi
ght
j
ustbet
heworstpl
an,
”sai
dthegreatki
ng.

“It
’snotaplanorastr
ategyIam justchoosingto
grievemyhusbandandnotpr ovemyf ai
thfulnesst
o
him.whoeverstar
tedthi
srumorwi l
ldealwithit
themselves,
”

“Neveri
nhist
oryhasaqueeneverbeenaccusedof
adult
eryt
hedayaftershebur
iedherhusband.
”He
saysunderhi
sbreath.

“
Speakupsi
r!
”If
ixedmyeyesonhi
m.

“Put
ti
ngyouont hatt
hronewasamistake…Ithi
nk
wewillhavetohaveyouremovedj
ustunti
lthe
smokeclears,
”

“
Iagr
eewi
thyou,
”Li
khakha’
smom says.
“
Youdidn’
tputmeonthi
sthrone,
yourancest
ors,
t
heonesyouspeaksohi
ghlyofdid.Andwhowill
mountup?You?mal
ume?”

“Thati
snoneofyourbusi
nessbecauseyouar
enot
partoft
hisf
amil
y,
”

“
Iam yourqueen”Ist
ood.

“Mysoni sdeadandyouhavebeencheat i
ngon
him…it’
sti
mef orpowertochangehands.
”
Likhakha’
sfat
hersaidsharpl
ywhil
estandi
ng.

“Hehasn’ tevenbeencol dinthegr oundandyouar e

alr
eadyl ookingtoreplacehiswi fe.Yourut
hless
bastard!”everyoneatpresentexcl ai
med!“Guards”I
call
edout .Mbasacamei nflying.“Escor
thim out!
”I
pointedatthisshrivel
edbast ard.“Youwantto
overthrowme?t hebloodyner ve”Mbasastood
thereanddi dnothing.“
Mbasa,Isaidt
akethisman
out”Mal umewal kedinwit
halotofprideexudi
ng
from hisdisposi
tionandsmil
eat hatj
ustmademe
sickplasteredacrosshisf
ace.

“Mbasa,
”hecal
led.Mbasat
urnedar
oundwi
thhast
e
andknel
tbef
orehim.

“
Nkosiyesi
zwe”(
Kingoft
henat
ion)

“
Dal
indyebo!
!!
”(Ther
estoft
hef
ami
lysang)

“
Escor
therout
”mal
umepoi
ntedatme.

“Kwenzekantoniapha?”(What’
shappeninghere?
)I
tookastepdown.“ Mbasa,Iam yourqueenandI
gaveyouanor der!
”
“Nobuhl e,
pleasel eavethepremi
ses.Yourthi
ngs
havebeenpacked…”Mbasasays.Iwi llnotbe
disrespected;Irefusetotreat
edl
iketr
ashby
Likhakha’sfather.Isatbackdown.“No!”

“
Dragherout
”commandedmal
ume.

Befor
eIknewi tMbasawaspul li
ngmebyt hearm.
Nomat terhowhar dIfoughthim Icoul
dn’tfr
ee
myself.Thekickingandscreamingalsodidn’thel
p.
Mbasadr aggedmet owardsthegatewher ehe
commandedI saactoopenandt henthrewmeout
anditwasopenseasonf orthereport
ers.Iwas
bangingont hegateandshout i
ngforthem toopen
upandl etmet akemyt hi
ngsatleast.

“Mbasa!Opent hisgateandl etmein…”Icri

ed.Ihad
nowheretogo, therepor t
ershadmesur r
ounded.
“Pl
easeleavemeal one, ”Ibegged.Myfacewas
cover
edint ear
sandpr obablysomesnortthati
s
howmuchIwasoutofcont rol
.Thegameopened;it
wasmal ume.Hethrewablackplast
icbagatme
andthenfol
lowedmyphone.I ’
m guessi
ngthat
’smy
stuf
f…”Goodri
ddance”hesaid.

“
Ndlovukazi
,
”arepor
tercal
led.“
Areyoust
il
lthe
r
eigni
ngqueen?
”

“
Wer
eyoucheat
ingonyourl
atehusband?
”

“
Whoi
sthi
ssecr
etl
over
?”

“Ar
eyoubei
ngki
ckedoutofyourhusband’
s
house?
”

“Di
dyouorganizet
hehi
tonyourhusband?
”that
quest
ionsentmetohel
landback.

It
urnedar
oundandf
acedt
her
epor
ter
swi
th
dagger
sshoot
ingt
hrougheyes.

“What?”Iutt
eredi
nthemiddleofsniff
ing,
“Stop
taki
ngpictur
esofme!Stop”Ishouted.“Whatdi
d
youjustaskme?DidyousayIkill
edmyhusband? ”

“I
twasaquestion,di
dyouordi
dyounot
?”t
heguy
sayseversoconfi
dent.

“Ican’tdothis…”Ir anaway.Iknowt hewayhome

from here.Iwasonceapoorgi rlwhowalkedt othe
palacebyf oot,soI ’m sureIcanf i
ndmywayback
home.Icutt hrought hewi ndasf astasIcoul
d.But
i
tseemednomat terhowf astIranIcouldsti
llhear
thethumbi ngofot herfeetbehindme.Icouldst i
ll
hearther eport
er sscr eamingoutmynamehungr y
formet osaysomet hing.InmyheadIwas
i
magi ningmyol d,tinyraggedyhousesowhenI
stoppedbyt hisbi g,nicelypaint
edandcl eanhouse;
IthoughtIdonel ostmymi nd.
“Mzi!
!!
”Iscreamedout.“Opent
hegat
e,”Ibangedon
thesteelgat
e.“Pal
esa!
”Mzicameoutrunning.The
gatesli
dopen.

“
Buhl
e,
”

“
Closecl
osecl
ose…t
hey’
rebehi
ndme.
”

“Cl
oset
hegate…”Mzamoshouted.“
Whot
hehel
lis
behi
ndyou?whoischasi
ngyou?”

“Justcloset hegat e,
”themi nuteIst eppedi nsi
de
thehouseIf ellt
omykneesandt ri
edt ocat chmy
breath.Everybodywasl ooki
ngatmewai t
ingforan
explanati
on.Yel lowboy, MandlaandMzamohad
thei
rpistol
soutr eadyf orwar.Ilookedatt hem one
byoneandt henmyeyesf el
ltothef looragain.I’
m
ti
red….myt hroati sdryandIchesti sbur ni
ng.Could
thi
sbet hef allofSuper woman2. 0?
[
01/05,13:59] :IWASAQUEEN,ANDYOUTOOK
AWAYMYCROWN;AWI FE,ANDYOUKI
LLEDMY
HUSBAND;AMOTHER, ANDYOUDEPRI
VEDMEOF
MYCHI LDREN.MYBLOODALONEREMAI NS:TAKE
I
TBUTDONOTMAKEMESUFFERLONG–Mar ie
Ant
oinett
e

ENTRY80

Idon’tknowhowt oexplainwhatjusthappened.
Everythinghappenedt oof ast.I
’m stil
l
confused…Li khakha’ sfatheronceagai nwi ns.He
hasmanagedt obringmet omyknees.Hehas
managedt opr evailovermeandhi sson.Iwoul dn’
t
evenbesur prisedifhewasbehi ndmyhusband’ s
death.I’m sti
llpantingont hef l
oor,replayi
ng
ever
yt hingthatj usthappenedsot hatIpai ntt
hem a
cl
earpi cture.Ilookedupandmyeyesl ockedwith
Mzi’
s;Isawmyf atheri
nhi
seyes…heal
thyandali
ve.
ThenIjustbr
okedownandcriedsomemor e.Mzi
knel
tdownbef or
eme.

“I
fweneedt ogetoutt her
eandsortoutsomebody,
youbestspeaknow, ”hist
oneanddisposit
ion
suggestthatIneedtobest r
ongandgetup.Iknow
mybr ot
hersenought ounderst
andthei
rbody
l
anguageandexact l
ywhatt heymeanbywhatt hey
aresayi
ng.Mzamoi st heonlyonet
hattel
lsmet o
getmyshi tt
ogether
.

“
Getup”sai
dMzamo.Il
ookedupathi
m whi
ppi
ng.
“
Buhl
e,getup!
”hecommandedme.

“
I’
mti
red!
”Iut
ter
ed.

“Youcan’
taff
ordtobetir
ed,gett
hefuckup
Nobuhle,
”hegavehisguntoMzi.“Gi
veusa
minut
e…”hesaid.Ever
yoneobeyed.“Getupand
f
ight
,youcannotf
ightonyourknees,
”hesai
donce
wewereallal
one.

“
Idon’
twantt
ofi
ghtanymor
e!I
’
m donebhut
i…”

“Queensar
eneverdone,t
heyfi
ghtt
ot hei
rdeat
h
bed…getupNobuhl
e,”hi
seyeswereteari
ng.

“
Iam notaqueen,
hisfami
lydr
aggedmeoutl
ikeI
wasadog.Theytr
eat…”

“Hisfamil
ydoesnotmakeyouqueen…t hatchai r
doesnotmakeyouaqueen.Youwer ebornaqueen.
Standthefuckup”heext endedhishandt ohel pme
up,IgotaholdofitandIst oodup…Istoodbef ore
him,cryi
ng,ti
redandpar ched.Hecleanedmy
face…”Standupstrai
ght.St andf
ir
m onyourf eet,
”I
tookadeepbr eat
hinandoutwhi l
efirmlyplant i
ng
myf eetonthewhiteti
les.“Youguyscancome
back,”hecall
edoutandt heystar
tedwal ki
ngi none
af
tert
heot
her
,Mandl
aandNj
abul
ohandi
nhand.

“I
sther
eanythi
ngweneedtodo?”Njabul
oasked.
Howdoesthisguyf
itsoper
fect
lyi
ntothi
sfamil
y?
Hesoundsl
ikeMandlawhenhethi
nkshei sol
der
t
hanme.

“Canwegetsomedr inks.Ineedast rongbl ackcup

ofcof fee…let’ssitdownandt alk,
”Isai dlookingat
Palesa.Shenoddedandheadedf orthekitchen.
“Foll
owme, ”Isaidmaki ngmywayi ntothedi ning
room wi thmyf ami l
ytrail
ingbehi ndme.Mzi took
thechai ratt hefarendoft hetableandIt ookt he
oneatt heot herend.Mzamousual l
yt akesitbuthe
didn’ttodaysoIt houghtIshoul d.Pal esawasback
i
nnot imewi thcoffeeformysel f
,juiceforherand
Khanyaandbr andyfortheboys.Yel lowboywent
forjuice…itsl i
psmymi ndever ynowandagai nt hat
hedoesn’ tdrink.

“
Moi
snother
eri
ght
?”Iasked
Mzishookhi sheadandsai
d,“
No…hewon’tbe
aroundthisweek.Hesayshehasal
otofproj
ect
s
todo,”Inodded.

“Myhusband’sf amil
ykickedmeout …theydragged
meoutlikeIwasnott heirqueen.Theypackedmy
cl
othesinapl asti
cbagandt hrewitatmyface.
Aft
erthrowingmeout si
det hegate,t
hereporter
s
surr
oundedmeaski ngquesti
onsandaccusingme
ofki
ll
ingLikhakha”

“
Ican’
tsayI
’
m sur
pri
sed,
”-Khanya

“
Buttheyhadnori
ghtt
ol ayaf
ingeronyou!No
r
ightt
otouchyouatal
l…”–Mzi

“Malumeisnowthenewking…Imeantheymadea
fooloutofmeandnowIwillbeanat
ionaljoke
becausemyweepingfacewil
lbeal
loverthe
newspapers.Theydi
dn’tevendoitr
ight”Iscof
fed.
“Iknewthatevent
uall
y–wi thLi
khakhagone–I
wouldhavetostepdown, butIt
houghttheywould
doittheri
ghtway.Lettheancest
orspick…”

“
Youhavet
ogobackt
her
eandf
ight
!”–Mandl
a

“Nobhuti
…Ihavenomor efi
ghtlef
tinme.
Someti
mest hebestfi
ghtonecouldeverputupi
s
nofi
ghtatal
l,”Isai
dandtookasipofcoffee

“Nowisnotthet
imetonotf
ight
,theywer
enot
supposedt
odothissi
s,
”-Mandl
a

“
Iknow,
butIneedt
osi
tthi
soneout
,”

“
Youcan’t
!Thatmakesyouweak!
”Mandl
asounds
abi
tupset
.
“Mandla”Ical
ledsternl
y.“Leti
tbebhut ’
wam…Iwi l
l
notfi
ghtinabattl
et hatIwil
lnotwin.It
’snotmi ne
tofi
ght,
”hepushedhi schairoutwhilestandingin
att
emptt owalkout.“Mandla,
”Irubbedmyf orehead.
“Si
tdown, pl
ease”I
’m notevenlookingathim, that
i
showf edupIam.

“Ndl
ovukazi,
Iam wit
hMandlat
hist
ime.Ithi
nkyou
shoul
dgobackt her
eandshowthem whatyou’
re
madeof,”sai
dKhanya

“Andwhati
sthatKhanya?
”Il
ookedather
,“Fl
esh
andbl
ood?”

“
Butyoucan’
tgi
veupnow,
”shesays.

“Thedaybef orethef
uneral
,Vuyo’smom camet o
seeme…wel lshewasundertheinfl
uenceofthe
ancestors.Shewascryi
ngandj ustindist
ress.She
saidthatdarktimeswerehereandthatIshould
run…shesaidt
hey’dcomeformeevent houghthey
knowIam thechosenone.Shement i
onedthat
therewil
lbebl
oodshed,i
nthemiddleofalloft
hat
shelookedatmalumeandLikhakha’
sfatherand
saidIshoul
drun.
”

“Whatthef
uckdoesal
lthatmean?
”Yel
lowguy
asked.

“ItmeansIshoul drun…I’m notgi

vingup.I’m
running.NowIdon’ tknowwhatwi llhappennext
butIknowt hatthisbatt
leisnotmi netofi
ghtandifI
am there;Imightgetmi xedinthecrossf
ire.”

Ittookalottoconvi ncemyf amilytonotgot othe

palaceandshootatever yli
vingthingbuteventuall
y
theypromisedt oobeyme.IsentMzi ,
Khanyaand
Yellowguyt othepal acetofetchmycl othesand
j
ustt het
higsIwi llneedonadai ly.Iwil
lgettherest
l
aterwhenIhavemadepeacewi thmyl i
fe.I
’m
almostcertainLikhakhaistossingandt urni
ngin
hi
sgr
aver
ightnow…
*
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
*
*
***
***
***
***

Thel astthinganyonewant sjustafterbur yi

ngt hei
r
spousei st heirfacesalloverthenewspaper sand
socialmedi a.Iknewmyf ami l
ywasn’ tgoi ngt obuy
met hepapersoIboughti tonli
ne.Ir eadt hrough
everynewspaperar ti
cle.Iam stil
lreadi ngt hrough
thesoci almedi acomment s.Almostever ythingt hat
i
sbei ngsai di seitheralieorutterbul lshi
t .Oneof
theheadl inesr ead:FROM RAGSBACKTORAGS:
THEFALLOFNOBUHLE.ImeanIam bei ng
accusedofcheat i
ngonmyhusbandandt heykeep
talki
ngaboutt hisanonymousl overt hathasal lthe
i
nf or
mat i
ont hatIwasappar entl
ywi thhi mt hat
night.Ther e’savideoonYouTube, it
’st it
led;WHAT
HAPPENEDTOBLN?Ipr essedplayandt ortured
mysel f.

“
WEALLKNEW HERASOURQUEENBEFORESHE
WASAQUEEN, SHESHOWEDUSWHATI TMEANS
TOSTANDUPFORYOURSELFANDWELL…BE
BRAVE.BUTHERRECENTBEHAVI OURHASSENT
SHOCKWAVESTHROUGHOUTTHEENTI RE
NATIONANDHASLEFTPEOPLE, ESPECI
ALLY
YOUNGGI RLSWONDERING,
SHOULDWESTI LLBE
LI
KENOBUHLE.TAKEALOOK…”avi deoofme
cr
ying,
bangingont
hegat
eandshouti
ngtobel
eti
n
pl
ayed.

“Sis,
don’tdothatt
oyour self,swit
chyourphone
off,
”saidMzi.GeezIforgotIwasont hetabl
ewith
therestofthefamil
y.They’vebeenar oundsinceI
camehomet hatni
ghtandr ecentoccur
renceshave
hinderedthem f
rom everleaving.

“Iknow.ButIneedtoseewhattheyaresaying
aboutme,”myeyesar efi
xedonthescreen.They’
re
practi
cal
lygl
uedthere.

“
SHEWASSEENLEAVI
NGHERLATEHUSBAND’
S
HOUSEONTHENI GHTOFTHEFUNERALAND
APPARENTLYSHEWASGOI NGTOSEEHER
LOVERTHATSHEHASBEENWI THSI NCEHER
HUSBANDWASALI VE.NOW FOLKS, THISMANI S
REAL…HECAMEFORWARDTOTHENEWSPAPERS
ANDSAI DTHEYWERETOGETHERFROM 1A. M
UNTILSHEWENTBACKTOTHEPALACE.HESAYS
THATTHEYHAVEBEENTOGETHERFORTHE
LONGEST.UPONGETTI NGHOMETHATMORNI NG,
THEFAMI LYKICKEDHEROUTBECAUSE
WELL…TOSAVETHEMSELVESFROM SUCH
SHAME.LI KHAKHA’SUNCLE- ELIBANZI-WILLBE
INAUGUARATEDSOMETI MENEXTWEEKANDHE
WILLLBETHENEXTREI GNINGKI NG, ALONGSIDE
HISWI FEASQUEEN, ”pi
cturesofmal umeandhis
wifepoppedupont hescreen.“LETMEKNOW
WHATYOUTHI NKBYCOMMENTI NGDOWN
BELOW…THERE’ LLBEMOREONTHI SSTORYSO
PLEASESUBSCRI BEANDLI KEANDHI TTHAT
NOTIFICATIONBELL,”

Idi
dn’
tevenknowmal
ume’
sname.Ij
ustknewhi
m
asmal ume, li
teral
lyever yonecalledhim malume.
Everythi
ngi shappeni ngt oofast.There’
salreadyan
i
naugur ati
onpl anned…Imeanwej ustbur
ied
Likhakha2daysago…Ihaven’ tmour nedhim;the
housest i
llsmel l
slikehim.Howcanhi smom al low
thistohappen?Theot herfamilymember s,they’re
j
ustwat chingwhi lethisabomi nationoccursrightin
frontofthem.Whatmadnessi sthis?

Myphoner
ings.I
t’
sGaba.

“
CUPCAKE,
”

“
SNOW,
”

“WI
LLYOUEVERCALLMEDADDY,
ORPAPAOR
PA?”
“
HOW AREYOU?
”Iaskedcompl
etel
ydevi
ati
ngf
rom
hi
squest
ion.
“HEY!THAT’
SMYLI NE…ISAW THENEWS,
WHAT’
S
HAPPENING?”heasked.

“EVERYBODYSAW THENEWS.I
T’SALLLI
ES…I
WASN’TCHEATINGONHIM SNOW ANDICAME
HOMETHATNI GHT,”

“IKNOW BABYGIRL,TRUSTMEIKNOW.WHY
AREN’TYOUFIGHTING?”heasks.

“BECAUSEIKNOW IWI
LLNOTWIN.YOUSAI
DIFI
DON’TGOTITTHENIDON’TGO…”

“
SO,
WE’
RESI
TTI
NGTHI
SONEOUT?
”

“WE’
RESI
TTI
NGITOUT,
”Icl
ear
edmyt
hroat
,“HEY,
AREYOUBUSY?
”
“
WHATDOYOUNEED?
”

“DOYOUTHI
NKMAYBEYOUCANCOMEHERE
SOMETI
ME…TOME?
”

“
IWILLBETHEREFI
RSTTHINGINTHEMORNI
NG
MUFFIN,
LETMECLEAREVERYTHI
NG,”

“
THANKYOU,
SNOW,
”

“
HEY,
ILOVEYOU”

“
METOO…”Iendedt
hecal
l.

“
Snow,
wil
lbeher
etomor
row;t
oseeme,
”
“
Okay,l
adi
es,pl
easepr
epar
eamealforhi
m andf
ix
t
heguestbedr
oom j
usti
ncase,
”Mzi
spoke.

“
Hedoesn’
thavet
osl
eepover
,”t
her
egoesMzamo.

“Yeah!Theladi
esdon’
thavetocookforhim,
”Mzi
decidedtoletmehavearel
ati
onshi
pwi t
hSnow,
theyalldi
dbutMzamoandMandl astil
ldon’
tli
ke
him.

“Hei
sBuhle’
sf ami
lysothatmakeshi
m ourf
ami
ly
andwedon’tshutanyoneout
,”sai
dMzi.

”
Enkosibhut
i,
”(Thankyoubr
other
)

Myrel
ationshipwit
hGabahasgr ownstr
ongerover
t
heyears.Istoppedlookingathi
mli
kehewasjust
amanandIst ar
tedrel
yingonhimli
keadaughter
woul dom herf ather.Hehasshownmehowser i
ous
heact uallyisaboutf i
xingwhatwasbr okenand
abouthavi ngmei nhisl i
fe.Hecal l
sme3t imesa
weekandsendsmemoneyever ynowandagai n.
Hei sal sooneoft hesponsor sformypr oj
ectatt he
school .Hespeakssohi ghlyofmeandhenever
makesmef eelli
keIdon’ tbel
ong.Iaskedhi mt o
comeoverbecauseIneedhi m asmyf at
her…Ijust
wantsomeonewi seandol dt
otellmet ocalm down.
Ijustyear nforthatfather l
ycompani onship.Iknow
mybr othersareher ebutIst r
onglyfeeltheneedt o
seeGaba.

ClaraandBr andonal sokeepintouch.Brandonhas

visit
edmemor etimest hanIcancount .Hehas
treatedmeandLi khakhat oaweekendatt he
Mal dives;Imean.Whatmor ecanagi rlwant?Clar
a
andIhavemont hlygirl’
sdayoutwherewej ust
spendSnow’ smoneyandj ustpamperour sel
ves.
Allinal l
;theyaremyf amil
ynowandIwoul ddo
anythi ngforthem justli
keIwouldforthefamil
y
thatIam wi t
hrightnow.Hopef ul
ly–oneday–
MzamoandMandl awillunderst
andli
keMzi does.
Thatdaybett
erbet
odaybecauseGabawi l
lbehere
tomorr
owmor ni
ngandIdon’ thavet
imetobe
deal
ingwit
hthatdr
amaandIknowMzamo, hei sso
goodatmakingmountainsoutofrocks.

[
01/05,
13:59] :QUESERASERA(
WHATWI
LLBE,
WILLBE)

ENTRY81

Iwokeupt hismor ningfeeli

ngal i
tt
leexcitedt osee
Snow.Ihaven’ tseenhimi nlikethreemont hsand
alsot hisordealIam passi ngt hroughismaki ngme
vulner ableandweak.Iwokeupat7, workedouta
l
ittle,
bat hed,sor t
edoutmyr oom andt henhel ped
Khanyawi t
ht heguestbedr oom.NowI ’
mi nthe
ki
t chenwi t
hthewi vescooki ngupast ormf orSnow.
Wemadepap, chakalaka,
roast edporkandagr een
sal
ad;Idon’
twanttooverwhelm him.Theboys
wenttoworktodayexceptNjabul
o,theyaskedhi
m
tost
aybehind,j
ustsothereisamani ncaset
he
j
ournal
ist
soranyonefrom theroyalfamil
ycomes.

“
Youseem anxi
ous?
”Pal
esasays.

“
Me?
”Iasked.

“Yeah!I
t’sj
ustGaba…youdon’
thavet
ofuss.
Everyt
hingisper
fect
…”

“I
’
m notevenawar eI
’mfussi
ng.Whati
fthe
j
ournali
sts’
preyuponhi
m andbombardhim wi
th
quest
ions?”

“He’
sagrownassmanhecanhandl ehimsel
f.I
don’
tknowGabathatmuchbutIknowhewi l
lnever
sayordoanyt
hingt
oputyouindanger…”shesays.
“Andtheboys?Whati
ftheybr
eakandl
osei
tand
saysomethingst
upi
dtothepr
ess?”

“Well
…youshoul
dworr
yaboutyourbr
other
s.
Especi
all
yMandla,
”
Isi
ghedl
oudl
y.

“Iwasthi
nking”IforgotKhanyawaswi thus.Thi
s
womancanbesoqui etatti
mes.“Whatifwegotoa
spa?Justusgirls…orwecoul dgoshopping…ort
o
themovies.Wecoul devengetawayf oraweekend.
Gotoahi deoutsomewher e?”

“Di
dMzamoputyouupt ot
his?
”Palesaasks
chewingonapi
eceoft
omatoe.Khanyaguil
ti
ly
nodded.

“
Iappr
eci
atet
hegest
ure,
butIdon’
tthi
nkIcando
anyt hingrightnoworgoanywher e.Thesepeopl e
areever ywher e.They’l
lsayI ’
m spendi ngmy
husband’ smoneywi t
hmyl overforgettingt hatI
havemyownmoney…Imakemyownf ucking
money.Iwor kedandsaved.Ihaveshar esin
Mandl a’
scl ub, t
heirhardwar estoresscat tered
acr osst heprovi nce,carrepairstores,carpar ts
stor es.Ihaveshar esinouror ganicgoodi es’shop
andKhanya’ sclothingshop.Ii nvestedi n
i
nt ernationalbusi nessessot heyshoul dnotdar e
thinkIcan’ ttakecar eofmysel f
.Icanaf forda
fuckenvacat ionar oundthef uckenwor ld…”I
exhal ed.Iam somad.

“
Weknow,
youhavemoney…l
otsofi
t”

“
I’
m sor
ryguy”Icover
edmyf
acei
nshame.

“Ishouldstar
tinvest
ingi
ninter
nat
ional
businesses…”Khanyashareshert
houghts.
“Youshould;ithasalotofcapital
…Iknowaguyi n
NewYor k,
hedeal swithinvestmentsinpr
oper
ty.I
cangetyoui ncontactwithhim,”Isay.

“Idon’
tunder
standwhyyouneedt oi
nvesti
nso
muchorevenhavesharesinyourbrot
hers’
companieswhenyourbrot
hersareper
fectl
y
capabl
eoftaki
ngcareofyou?”

“Whati
fsomethi
nghappenstot hem?who’sgoing
tot
akecareofyouandMo? ”Iasked.“
Idepended
onmybr ot
her
smywhol eli
feandnowIwantt obe
abl
etobuywhateverIwantwheneverIwant,
”

“
Butt
heyst
il
lsendyoumoney,
”shesays.

“Yeah!Becausethey’
remybrother
s.Pal
esa…men
areallgr
eatandstrongbutgr
eaterandstr
ongeri
sa
womanwhost andsonherownt wofeet
.”
“Lookwhathappenedwhenyoutri
edtost
andon
yourowntwofeet,yougotst
ri
ppedof
fyourcr
own
anddigni
ty.
”Shesays

“
Pal
esa!
”Khanyacover
edhermout
hinshock.

“It
’sthetrut
h.Eversi
nceyoubecamequeenyou
thinkyouar ethegr
eatestwomant oeverwal kon
ear t
h.Perhapsever
ythingthat’
shappeningisjust
karma…youknowwhatt heysay,i
t’
sabi t
ch”what
thehellisgoingonhere?PalesaandIwer egood
justnowandsuddenl yshe’shappyt hatIam
suf f
eri
ng.

“Palesa,apol
ogi
zenow!”Khanyashoutedather.
“Howcanyoubesoi nsensi
ti
ve?Buhl
ei sgoing
thr
oughsomuchal r
eadyandyourpetulanceisnot
helping,
”sheadded.
“Li
khakhaisgone,
youar
enolongert
hequeensoI
am notfor
cedtoapol
ogi
zet
oyou…”

“
Don’
tyoudar
eut
terhi
sname…”

“Youhaveyourheadsof arupyourassNobuhl e.
Wakeupandsmel lt
hebeacon, yourroyal
glamorousli
feisover…wedon’ tbowdownatyour
feetanymore.Whyi severyt
hingal waysaboutyou?
Howdi dsweetLikhakhaevendealwi thyou?
Perhapstheuniversedidhim af avourbytakinghim
awayf r
om you”shecl i
ckedhert ongueandl owly
said,“
Bloodyself
ishprick”

Everywor dshesai dwasmaki ngmemadandangr y.

Ifoughtt heurget onotchar geatherandgr abher
bighead.If oughtitsohar d…Idi dbutIcouldn’
t.t
he
nextthingPal esaandIwer eont hef
loorscrat
chi
ng
andsl appingoneanot her.Icoul dhearKhanya
call
ingf orNjabulo.Ihaveaf ewsecondst oensure
thatthisbitchhasabl oodybl ueeyeoratleasta
bl
eedingnose.Shepunchedmesohardt hatbl
ood
start
eddrippi
ngoutofmynoseinst
ant
ly.Inoti
ced
ar edscr
atchrightbel
owherf
ace;t
hat
’sgoingtobe
nasty.
“Whatt
hehelli
sgoingon?”Nj abul
opul
ledPalesa
awayfr
om mebutIchargedt owardshi
m.Iwant ed
towhoopherasssohard.“Heyheyhey!”Njabulo’s
handwasonmychestkeepi ngmeatar m’slength.
“Whati
sthi
s?”Njabul
oasked.

“Letmeki l
lthisbi
tch”Isaidj
umpingonNjabul
o
tryi
ngt ogettoPalesa.Igotahol
dofherhairt
he
catfightstar
tedagain.

“
Guysstopit
!”Khanyashout
ed,
“St
opt
his
madness”

BeforeIknewit
,myfeetwer
efl
oat
ingabovet
he
ground.“Whatt
hehelli
sgoi
ngonhere?
”whenthe
helldi
dMzigether
e.
“
Cupcake,
”Gabai
sher
easwel
l
.“Ar
eyouokay?
”

“
I’
mfi
ne”Isai
d,“
Mziputmedown,
”Idemanded.

“Iwil
lputyoudownonl
yifyouwon’
tat
tackher
,”he
said.

“At
tackher
?”mytonewenthi
gh,
“Thi
sjeal
ousbi
tch
cameforme…she”

“
Holditr
ightt
her
e,Iwil
lnotl
etyouspeakt omy
wif
eli
kethat,
”Mzidef
endedher;under
standabl
y.

“Thebitchinthishousei syouNdl ovukazi…sel

f-
servi
ngass, ”Palesasaidbreat
hingheavi l
ybehind
Njabulo.That’
sit.Ichargedtowardsher
screaming…butbef oreIcouldreachher ,Mzihad
alr
eadygr abbedmebyt hewaistal l
owingmet o
f
loatabovet
hegr
oundagai
n.

“
Letmeki
llher
…”

“Youwi
llnotki
llt
hemotherofyournephew
Nobuhl
e,Idon’
tcarehowangryyouare”

“Pumpki
nyouhavet
ogetahol
dofyour
sel
f,
”Gaba
says.
Igr
abbedMzi’
sarm ar
oundmywai standsqueezed
i
ttr
yingt
otr
ansferal
lthi
sangerel
sewhere.

“Shesai dIdeser vedever yt

hingthat
’shappeni ngto
me”myvoi cestartedbreaking.“
Shesai dLikhakha
diedbecauseI ’m…”Icaughtmybr eathandcl eaned
myeyes, “BecauseI ’
m abadper son.Mzi putme
down, Iwon’ tattackher.Ipromise…”myf eet
touchedt hegr oundagai n.“Youdon’tknow
anythi
ngIwentt hrough.Youcoul dneversurvive
anyoft het hingsIsurvived.Iam aself-
made
woman.Idon’ tr
elyonmybr other
sandInever
reli
edonLi khakhaf ormoney,”Ipausedandl ooked
atherr edandwetf ace.“Youdon’ tgett
oinsultme
andl aughatmewhenIam downbecauseyouar e
nothingcompar edt ome.Yes, whatishappeningis
embar rassi
ngbuti tisnotbecauseIam abad
person.Howdar eyoui mplythatIdeservel
osing
theonl ypersonthatactuall
ymademef eelli
ke
takingthenextbreat hisworthit
.Fuckyou
Palesa…excuseme, ”Iexi
ted.

Palesahast hener vetoinsultmewhenI ’m alr

eady
down.Howcanyouat t
acksomeonewhoi sgoing
throughsomuch?Honest ly,
ifshewasn’ tmy
brother
’swi feandmynephew’ smother;Iwoul d
haveputabul letthroughherskul l
.Iswungt hedoor
behindmeandi tmadeal oudbang.Il aidont he
bedandf acedt heceili
ng.Ineedt obreathe…Ineed
tobreathe…Ineedt obreathe.Api ct
ureofLi khakha
saying,“Iloveyou”t hensmi l
ingappear edinmy
head.Icover edmymout hwi thmyhandmuf fl
ing
mycr y.Whydi dhel eavemeal onewithnoheads
up?Ican’ tdealwithlosinghim,hisfamil
ydrama,
themedi aanddumbPal esaatthesamet i
me;and
thewor stpartis;Idon’tevenknowwhyshe’ s
comi ngatme.Idi dnot hingtoprovokeherandI’
ve
beenver ynicet oherandKhanya.Iwasneverone
ofthosewi ckedsi st
er’
si n-
law.Shesaysthisi
s
karmabecauseI ’m abadper son.Iam sel
fi
shand
self
-servi
ng…

Af
tersomehour
s;Khanyacamei
n.

“Areyouokay?”sheaskedtakingaseatnexttome.
Ishookmyhead.“ I’
mreal
lysor r
yBuhl
e.Youguys
arebothmysistersandIbeli
eveyouwillworkthi
s
out…”

“Thanks,
”whatdoesKhanyawant?Noneofwhat
she’ssayi
ngwil
lhel
pthissi
tuat
ioni
nanyway.

“
We’
rehavi
ngaf
ami
lymeet
ing.MzamoandMandl
a
ar
eback…pl
easej
oinus”shesayseversosof
tl
y.

“
Wil
lGababepar
toft
hatmeet
ing?
”Iasked.

“
Yes,
hei
sther
e.”

“Okay,Iwillbethereinami nut
e…”sheleftme.Igot
upandwashedmyf acebecause…wow.The
meetingisi nt
hel i
ving-r
oom.IsatbetweenMandla
andNj abul
o.KhanyaandPal esawalkedinoneafter
theother.Onceweal lset
tl
eddownMzi openedt
he
meeting.
“Idon’
tknowwhatt osay?Iam verydi
sappointedi
n
thebothofyouladi
es,”hesays.“
IupdatedMzamo
andMandl aaboutwhathappenedandweal lsawit
fi
ttohavethismeeti
ng.Now, whathappened?”he
asks.

“
Yoursi
sterat
tackedme…”Pal
esasays.
“
Soyoudon’
tknowhernamenow?
”-Mzi

“
Buhl
eat
tackedme,
”-shecor
rect
edher
sel
f.

Mzil
ookedatme.“
She’
sri
ght
,Idi
d…butshe
pr
ovokedme…”
“Khanya,
youwer
ether
e.I
sthi
str
ue?
”Mzi
tur
ned
hisatt
ent
iont
oher.

“EweMzi,
”(YesMzi)sheclearedherthr
oat.“
NowI
l
oveyoubothandIam nott akingsi
desbutPalesa,
I
don’
tunder
standwhereallofthatcamefrom.It’
s
l
ikeyouwantedhertoatt
ackyou…”

“
Butyouar
etaki
ngsi
dest
hough”
-Pal
esa

“
I’
m not
”Khanyapr
otest
ed.
“
Whatar
eyousayi
ngKhanya?
”-Mzi

“I
’
m sayingt
hatPalesawaswr ong.Buhl
ewas
wrongforat
tacki
ngherbutthatwasasar esul
tto
al
lthemeant hi
ngsPalesasai
dt oher
.anyone
wouldhavedonethesamet hi
ng…”

“Love,
”Mzitookherhandandl
ookedatherst
raight
i
nt heeyes.“
Why?Whathappened?Whatprovoked
youtosayallthoset
hings?
”

Shescof fed.“
Babe,everythi
nginthishouseis
aboutNobuhl e.Dothi
sf orBuhle…gothereforBuhle.
BuhlethisandBuhl et
hat .Whenshemovedout ;we
rest
edabi t
,nowthatshe’sbackwemustt urnour
l
ivesaroundandaccommodat eher.Herfatheris
coming, wehavet oprepareforhi
m whenshei s
perf
ectlycapable…”
“
Ihel
pedPal
esa…”Idef
endedmysel
f.

“
Shehel
pedPal
esa,
”Khanyai
nter
ject
ed.

Palesacl
ickedhertongue.“
AllI’
m sayi
ngis;Iam
ti
redofbeingyoursist
er’
sslave.She’
snolonger
queen,soshemustdoherownt hi
ngsli
ketherest
ofus.”

“Outoft
hetimesyouchoset
ostar
tthi
snonsense
youchosethi
sti
mewhenIam deali
ngwit
hso
muchPalesa?”myvoi
cestar
tedcr
acki
ngagain.

“
Wear
eal
ldeal
ingwi
thsomet
hingNobuhl
e,and…”

“Ohjah!Wear eal
ldeal
ingwithsomuch.Remi nd
meagai n;di
dyouhaveaf uneralforyourhusband
j
ustaf ewdaysago,wit
houthisbody? ”Ilookedat
herbuthereyesweregluedtot hefl
oorsinceI
startedspeaking.“I
syourf acealloverthenews.I s
yournamedr aggedtot hemudandyouri mage
tarnished?Areyoubei ngaccusedofcheat i
ngon
yourhusband?Di dhisfamilydragyouandt hrow
yououtl ikeyouwer enothi
ng?Isyoursi sterin-l
aw
attackingyouf ornoreason?”Shef ai
ledtospeak.I
restedmyheadonmyl apandtriedtocleanmy
eyes.

“Fuckthi
s,”Mandl
atookmyhandandst
ood,
“Come
sisi
…it
’senough”

“
Mandl
a”-
Mzi

“Bafo, we’l
lfi
nishupsomeot herti
me.Nobuhl eis
emot i
onal l
ydrained….andsisPalesaIr eal
lydon’t
under standwhatt hi
sisallabout.Ifyouwer einher
shoes;shewoul dhavebeent her
ef oryouthroughit
.
Attheendoft hedayBuhl eismysi st
erandIwi l
l
alwaysst andbyher .Especiall
ywhenshehasdone
nothingwr ong? ”Mandladraggedmet omyr oom
andshutt
hedoor
.

“
Thankyouf
orsavi
ngme,
”Ihuggedhi
m.

“I
’m sosor
ryIwasn’
ther
ewheni
thappened.
”He
squeezedme.

“
You’
reher
enow,
”Isi
ghedheavi
ly.Gabawal
kedi
n.

“
HeyMuf
fi
n,”hesai
d.

“
Iwi
llgi
veyouguyssomespace,
”Mandl
asai
d.

“ThankyouyoungMqokeli,
”Gabaembr acedme.I
mademyselfcomfortabl
einhisarms.“Ican’
tst
ay
l
ong.Iwassupposedt ohavelef
t2hour sagobutI
wantedtomakesureeverythi
ngwasf i
nebetween
youandSnowwhi t
e.”Hecal l
sPalesaSnowwhite
becauseofherf
airski
n.

“I
’m sor
ryyoucametoalloft
hisandforl
ocki
ng
myselfi
nhereinst
eadofspendingsometi
mewith
you,
”

“
Youseem st
ressedandt
ir
ed…”

Inodded,
“Iam”

“CometoDurbanwi
thme.Letust
akeofyou…you’
l
l
behiddenf
rom t
hepr
ess,
”

“
Thatmi
ghtnotbeabadi
dea…”

“Let’
sgosweethear
t.Ihavesomethi
ngIneedt
o
sortouti
ntown.Iwil
lbeleavi
ngtomorr
ow
mor ni
ng,
”
“
Iwi
llbepacked….
”

“That’
smyangel ,
”heki
ssedmyf oreheadandthen
stood.“Letmegetgoi
ng,
”hebentdownandt hen
kissedmyf or
eheadagai
n.Repeatedlythi
sti
me.

“Okayokay…Iwi
llseeyout
omor
row,
”hechuckl
ed
andthenexit
ed.
Ireal
lyt
hinkIshouldgivePalesasomespaceto
fi
gureoutwhattheissueisexactl
y.Sher
eall
ydid
catchmebysur pr
isethere.

[
01/05,
14:00] :ASTHEDUSTCLEARSANDTHE
SMOKESETTLES,EVERYTHI NGWI
LLBE
REVEALED–KevinStonest
reet

ENTRY82
Asperusual–at19: 00–wegat heredar oundthe
dinnertabl
et ohavesupperasaf amily.Iwas
reluct
anttojointhem t oni
ghtaftert
heshowPal esa
andIputupf orthem, but…Ihel
pedcookt hefood
andIdi dnothingwr ong.Also,Iwantt otellmy
brothersIwil
lbegoi ngt oDurbanwi thGaba
tomor r
ow.We’ reallsitt
inginsi
lencewai tingf
or
Khanyat ofi
nishdi shingup.

“Youokaysis?”Mandl
aaskedcausingmetotake
myeyesawayf r
om myphonetohim.Iwaspl
aying
SubwaySurfersoIwon’thavet
odealwit
hthe
awkwardness.

Ismil
edandnodded.Khanyaf i
nall
ysatdown.
Usuall
y,att
hispoi
ntPalesawouldbegivi
ngthanks
toGodforourfood;si
nceshe’smoreofabeli
ever
thanal
lofcombined,sowe’r
eallj
ustwait
ingonher.
“
Love?
”Mzical
led,
“pl
easebl
essourf
ood,
”

“Youcanblesst
hefoodi
fyouwantMzi
wamandla,
”
shesays.Hecal
ledhi
m byhi
sful
lname…Shi
t!

“Let’
scloseoureyes,”Khanyabr oughtherhands
togetherandsodi deveryotherpersonaroundthe
tablebutPalesa."ThankyouGodf orthismeal,
blessthehandst hatprepar
edit.Amen”

“
Amen!
”weal
lsangi
nuni
sonandt
hendugi
n.

“Haveyouhear
danyt
hingf
rom t
hepal
ace?
”
Njabul
oasked.

“
No.Idon’twantt
ohearanyt
hinghonest
ly…”I
r
esponded.
“Aslongasyou’
reokay,
”hesayswi
thasmi
le.Oh
Njabulo,
I’
mfarf
rom okay.

“I
’
m good”Isaid,“Ohandboys,Gabawi
llbeher
e
t
omor rowmorning,I
’l
lbel
eavingwit
hhi
mt o
Durban,”

“Areyousurethat’
sagoodidea?Consi
der
ing
everyt
hinghappening?
”Mziasked.

“It
hinkIshoul
dgi
vePal
esasomespace,
webot
h
needit,
”Isai
d.

“
Goodr
iddance,
”shegaveafakesmil
elooki
ngat
mewhi
lecocki
ngherheadtothesi
de.

“Mypointexact
ly!”Isai
dalmostannoyed.“
Oneof
ushastobemat ureandasusualthesel
fi
sh,sel
f-
ser
ving,badpersonwi l
lhavet
obet hematureone,
”
“
Ladi
esnotnowpl
ease,
”Mzamobegged.

“HoldonMzamo,”Igentlypl
acedmyf or
kont he
plat
eandlookedatPalesa,“
Let’
stal
kPalesa,
what
i
si t
?Whatiseati
ngyouup?Ar eyoujeal
ousofme?
Ofmyl i
fe?Myachievements?”

Shechuckled,
“Pl
ease,who’
dwantt
obeaf
all
en
queen?Givemeabr eak!
”

“Letmet ellyousomething,housewi
fe;youseet he
personwr iti
ngthi
sstory,they’
rewri
ti
ngitfr
om my
pointofview, meani
ngI ’
mt hemaincharacterand
you’r
ej ustanextraandachapt ermayendwi thout
hearingaboutyou.Isuggestyougetusedt oi t
…I’m
l
eavingi nthemor ni
ngsoIneedt opack,”Iexcused
mysel f
.
I
’m ver
ypunctuall
ately;bytheti
meSnowar
ri
vedI
wasbyt hedoorwait
ingf orhi
m.
*
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
*
*
***
***
***
***
***
*

“
Youcal
lusi
fyouneedanyt
hing,
”sai
dMzamo.

“I
t’
llj
ustbeaweek.I
’
llbebet
terwhenIcome
back….”

“Snow,Itr
ustyou.Pl
easekeepherawayfrom t
he
mediaplease…”sai
dMzishakingSnow’shand.
Gonearethedayswher eIwasbetweengunsand
manyelli
ngbackandf ort
haboutwhatshoul
d
happenwithme.

“Thehousei
spaparazzipr
oofsosheshoul
dbe
good.
”SaidSnow.

Ihadtowearanoversi
zedt
racksui
t,huge
sungl
asses,
abeanieandanevenbiggercoatover
j
ustt opapar azziproofmyappear ance.Gabahi r
ed
apr ivatejet ;thankgoodness.Heconf i
scat edever y
wor ker’sphonej usttomakesur enoonel eaksmy
l
ocat ion.Whenwear ri
vedatthehouse, Clarahad
prepar edahugemeal forus.Unf ortunately;my
brother ;Br andonwasoutt aki
ngcar eofbusi ness
sowehadt oeatwi thouthim.Snowor gani zedaf ul
l
bodymassagef orme, whi
chwassosoot hi ngand
calmi ng.Myr oom hadwhi t
elinent hatsmel tli
ke
fabricsof tenerandt hatisthemostcomf orting
scenti nt hewor ldandcof feebeans.NowI ’
m
snuggl edupi nbed, li
steni
ngtomusi c.Byt hel ook
ofthi ngs, Iwi l
lbeasl eepverysoon.Pl us,Cl ara
mademesomet eathatwi l
lsupposedl yhel pmef all
asleepsoI ’mj ustwaitingforthatt okickin.Over
themusi cIhear daf aintknocksoIpausedt he
musi c.

“
Yes!
”Icr
ied.

“
It
’smeMuf
fi
n,mayIcomei
n”
“Youmay,”t
hedoorslowlyopenedandGaba
walkedinst
il
linf
ormalpantsandshir
t.Isatup
str
aight
.Hemadehimselfcomf or
tabl
eont hebed.

“Howareyouhol
dingup?Ihopeever
ythi
ngwe’
re
doingi
snottoomuch?”

“No!Everyt
hingisper
fect
…Ir
eal
lyf
eell
ikeIwi
ll
asl
eept oni
ght,
”

“
I’
m pr
oudofyouJel
lybean,
”

“
Jell
ybean!Snow…youreal
lyneedt
ostopwi
th
t
hesenames…I ’
m cl
osetot
hirt
ynow.”

“Youarest
il
lmylit
tl
egirl
,”hel
ookedatmesmi l
ed.
“Butl
ist
en,
Iam veryproudofeveryt
hingyouhave
becomeandhowst rongyouare.Youwillget
t
hrought
his…Ipr
omi
seyou…”

“Imi
sshi
m somuchdad,
”If
eltmyeyesheat
ingup
andmythr
oatt
ight
eni
ngup.

“Comeher e,
”hepulledmetohi schest,“
Iknowbut
hewillfor
everli
veinyourheartandonedayi t
’l
lget
easi
er,you’l
lthi
nkabouthim andsmi l
e.Remember
Cupcake;youcan’tpossesspeople,youcanonly
exper
iencethem,”

“
Hewassuchashor texperi
ence.HowcanIjust
moveon…Ifeelgui
lt
yf orever
ysecondthatIdon’
t
t
hinkabouthi
m, If
eellikeI
’m movi
ngon.”Isobbed.

“Li
khakhawil
lal
waysbeapar tofyouthatnoone
cantakeaway.Evenwhenyoudon’ tt
hinkabout
him,heisal
waysther
ewi t
hyousomewher eatt
he
backofyourmind,
”hekissedthetopofmyhead.
“Nowyourmind,hear
tandentirebodyisawarethat
her
esidesi
nyou…okaybabygi
rl
?”Inodded.“
Let
meletyousl
eep”

“Hey!I
’vebeenmeani
ngtoask;dotheycallyou
Snowbecauseyouareveryli
ghti
ncompl exionor
becauseyousel
lcocai
ne?”

“
Howdi
dyouknowIsol
dcocai
ne?
”heasked.

“
Youj
ustconf
ir
medi
t,
”

Helaughed,“Iseeyouaretr
yingtobealawyerwit
h
me.Well…thenamest ar
tedwhenIcamei nt
othe
busi
nesssomyguessi sthecocai
ne…”

“
Goodni
ghtSnow,
”

“
Whydon’
tyoucal
lmedadagai
n?”hest
ood
“Idi
dn’
tcal
lyoudad,
”Isai
dsmi
li
ngandl
ooki
ngup
athi
m
“
Yesyoudi
d!Your
eal
lydi
d…”

“
Liar
!”

“From nowonI’
lljustr
ecordourconversati
ons,
”he
reachedfort
hedoorandopened, “Goodnight
kiddo,
”hesaiddisappear
ing.

“GoodnightSnow,”Ididcallhi
m dad;
unintent
ional
ly.Thatmomentwasanemot i
onal
momentf ormesoanyt hi
ngIsaidcannotbehel
d
againstme.
*
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
*
*
***
***
***
***
***
**
2MONTHSLATER
Wel l
, Imighthavest ayedl ongert hanIhadpl anned
atGaba’ s.Hishousei scomf or tableandsecl uded
soIwassaf ef r
om papar azzi .Lastni ghtwewoke
upt over ysaddeni ngnews;uncl eElibanziwasshot
todeat h.Wel lIcan’ tsayI ’
m saddenedbyt henews
consi deri
ngwhathedi dtome.Ther ehasbeenso
muchdr amai nvolvingt her oyalf ami lysi
nceIl eft
.
Thef amil
ywasf ight i
ngovert het hroneasusual
andever yti
meIcameacr ossoneoft hosescandal s,
IthankedGodIwasnoti nt hemi ddleofi tal
l.The
kil
lerwant edt omakeast atementsoheshothi m
whi l
ehewasseat edont het hr one…t hati
ssome
statement .Vuyo’ smom di dsayt herewi l
lbespi ll
ing
ofbl oodandt hesear eindeeddar ktimesf orthat
fami ly.

PalesaandIneverspoke.EvenwhenIwenthome
aft
eraweekatGaba’ st ofet
chmor eclotheswe
di
dn’tspeak.Didn’tgreetoneanotherorevenlook
atoneanother.IfIwasatwr ong,
Iwoul dhave
apologi
zedinahear tbeatbutIwillnotbe‘thebi
gger
person’f
ornor eason.Palesaneedst oreali
zeher
mi
stakesandmakeamends.

AtthemomentIam j
oggi
ngar oundt
heyar
d,i
t’
sa
verybi
gandspaci
oussoital
lowsforar
easonabl
e
run.Mzi
wamandlai
scall
ing.

“
BROTHER!
”Ipi
ckedup.

“
YOUNEEDTOCOMEHOMENOW,
”hesays.

“WHY?WHAT’
SHAPPENI
NG?
”Iaskedbr
eat
hing
heavi
ly.

“ICAN’
TTELLYOUOVERTHEPHONE.YOUNEED
TOBEHERENOW…GETONTHENEXTFLI GHT
HOMERI GHTNOW NOBUHLE,
”
“
OKAY,
LETMESEEI
FICANGETANYTHI
NG,
”

ClarahelpedmepackandSnowwasabl eto
organizeapr i
vat
ej etforme.Myl i
fei
sgoals,no
wonderPal esaissoj ealousofme.Uponarri
vingat
theairport
,Ihadtowai tnearlyanhourf
orMandl a.
Eventuall
yhear r
ivedpant ingandsweat
ing.

“
I’
m sor
ry,
traf
fi
c,
”hehuggedme.

“
I’
m sohungr
y,”Icr
ied.

“Ther
e’snotimetogetfood.Wehavet
ogethome
now…”ittookhi
mr oughlyaminut
etol
oadmy
l
uggageintothebootandthenwewereof
f.

“What’
shappeni
ng?Didsomeonedie?
”Iasked.He
shookhishead,
“Issomeonehur
t?”
“
No,
you’
l
lseewhenwegett
ohome,
”

Whenevermybr other
saskmet our gent
lygethome
ther
e’sal
wayssomet hingwr ongsor i
ghtnow;Iam
awfull
yworried.Mandlai sholdi
ngback, hewon’t
evenlookatme.I ’
ml i
terall
yshitt
ingmypant s.If
eel
l
ikeheisdrivingtooslowlyorhet ookalongr out
e.
I’
mjustnervous.

Whenwear r
ivedhome,Idi
dn’tevenwai
tforMandl
a,
Ifl
ewoutofthecarandsodidMandla.Icamein
l
ikeawind,
justrushi
ngandloud.

“Pleasetel
lmewhati
sgoi
ngon?”Ibegged.Theyal
l
stood.“Wherei
sMo’?i
shefi
ne?
”

“
Mo’isf
ine,
he’
satschool
”sai
dMzi
wal
kingupt
o
me.
“
Iwantt
otal
ktohi
m,”Idemanded.

“Nobuhl
e,l
ist
en,
ther
eissomeoneher
etoseeyou…”
hesays.

“Whoisit
?Isitsomeonefr
om thepalace?”my
sent
encesarebrokenasaresul
tofnotbr eathi
ng
andthati
sasar esul
toff
earandt r
embling.Mzi
noddedasresponsetomyquestion.“
Gett hem out
!
Idon’
twanttospeaktoanyofthem!”Isternlysai
d.

“
Trustme,youwant
…no,
youneedt
ospeakwi
th
t
hisone,
”

“Mzi
!”Ifor
medaf istwithbothmyhandswi l
li
ng
myselft
ostoptrembl i
ng.“Al
lofyou!Youknow
whatthosepeopledidtome.Howcanyoual l
ow
anyofthem tosetfootinmyhome?Theyar ekil
l
ing
oneanotherandIwantnot hi
ngtodowi t
hthem….”
“Justgoint
othedi
ningr
oom andt
ellt
hem
yoursel
f!
”Mzamoshouted.

“Youguysar eunbelievable!”Isaidmarching
towar dsthediningroom.“ Idon’ tknowwhatt hehell
youwantf rom me,yourf ami l
yhasdoneenough! ”I
mar cheddownt hepassagesor eadytogive
whoevert hispersonwasapi eceofmymi nd.“What?
Doyouwantt oapolo…”If rozer i
ghtbytheent r
ance.
Whatam Iseei ng?!
?!Iranbackdownt hepassage
screami ng.Fearhadconsumedever yfi
breofmy
beingt hati
twasevent akingawaymyvi si
onand
senseofhear i
ng.Everythingj ustfel
theavy.The
l
astt hingIrememberseei ngwasMzamor unni
ngto
me.

[
01/05,
14:
00] :THEREI
SNOTHINGBEAUTI
FUL
ABOUTTHEWRECKAGEOFHUMANBEING.
THEREISNOTHI
NGPRETTYABOUTDAMAGE,
ABOUTPAI N,ABOUTHEARTACHE.WHATI S
BEAUTIFULISTHEIRSTREGNTH,THEI
R
RESILI
ENCE,THEIRFORTI
TUDEASTHEYDI SPLAY
ANOCEANOFCOURAGEWHENTHEPI CK
THROUGHTHEWRACKAGEOFTEHI RLIFETO
BUILDSOMETHI NGBEAUTI
FULANDBRANDNEW,
AGAINSTEVERYODDTHATI SSTACKEDAGAI NST
THEM.–Ni ki
taGil
l

ENTRY83

Iam subconsciouslytell
ingmyselftowakeup.My
bodyfeelsnumb, Ican’tfeelanyt
hing.Iam so
scaredri
ghtnow;If eelli
keI’
vebeendr uggedor
worsekidnappedanddr ugged.Idon’tr
emember
anythi
ng.Ihavenor ecollect
ionofthisdayorthe
l
astthingIdid.Iopenedmyhouseandscout edmy
surr
oundings:I’
m home.Whatt hefuckhappened?

“
Mzi
!”Ical
ledout.Af
terst
ruggl
ingIf
inal
lymanaged
t
osi
tupstrai
ght.Iwi
ncedrespondi
ngtothesudden
t
hrobbi
ngofmyhead.“
Mzi
…”

Hewalkedi
n,“
You’
reup!We’
dal
readycal
ledt
he
doct
or,
”
Wai
t!Di
dIsee…

“
WasIdreamingwhen…”Heemer
gedfrom down
t
hepassageandIj
umpedtomyfeet
,“OhmyGod, ”

“Buhle,i
t’
sme…it
’sokay”hesai
dtaki
ngsmal
land
calculat
edst
epstowardsme.

“
It
’shi
m si
si,
”Mzisays.“
Cal
m down,
”

“No,
don’ tcomeclosetome.I tcan’
t…he…you…”I
can’
tform asinglesentence.Mytongueisdr yand
myheadf eel
sli
ght.I
’mt r
yingtonotpassout .“
Thi
s
i
sadr eam, ri
ght?
”IlookedatMzi ,“
Right?”hewas
fi
nal
lyrightinfr
ontofme.If el
tchil
lsrunningdown
myenti
rebody.Hecuppedmyf
acei
nhi
shands
andl
ookedatme.

“Breatheforme, mylove…it’
sme.Youar enot
dreami ng”hesaid.Hesoundslikehim andheis
l
ookingatmet hesamewaywi ththesameeyes.My
eyesar ewetandIcan’ tevengetmyselftomake
senseoft hissi
tuati
on.Ihadaf uner
alforhi
m,
withouthisbody.Ireachedmyhandupt ohisface
andt ouchedhim.

“Youarehere,whathappened?Youl
eftme,
you
died,
theysaidyoudied,
”

“Iwouldneverleaveyoubabe;Iwoul dneverdi e
withoutyourpermission…never!
”Igiggled
remember i
nghowmadIwasathi mf ordying
withoutaski
ngf ormyper missi
on.Hescoopedme
i
nhi sarmsandsqueezedme.Mzi wasst il
l
standingbehi
ndLi khakhajuststar
ingatusand
gleamingwithjoy.
“
Hei
sher
e”Isai
dint
hemi
ddl
eofcr
ying.

“Yeahsi
s,Babyhasresur
rect
ed.
”Wealllaughed.
Hef i
nal
lyr
eleasedmesoItookasecondtoanalyze
him.

“Turnaround,
letmeseeyou.Ar
eyouhur
t?”Iasked
cleani
ngmyeyes.

“
Iwas,
butI
’
mfi
nenow…”

“
Wher
ewer
eyou?i
t’
sbeen2mont
hs,
”

“
Canwenottal
kabouti
tnow.
”Heki
ssedmy
f
orehead.

“
Bro,
canyoueatnow?
”sai
dMzi
,“Hedi
dn’
twantt
o
eatorbat
heunt
ilhesawyou,
”

Likhakhafinall
ydecidedtot akeashowerwhi l
eI
preparedal i
ghtsnackf orhim,Khanyawasaboutt o
startwit
hsupperanyway.Ican’ tevenwr apmy
headar oundwhatj usthappened.I ’
m scaredthatI
willwakeupt ofindthatthisisalladream.Whati f
I’
m crazyandt hisi
sal lj
ustmehal luci
nating?What
i
fi t
’snotreal?WhatifIfellandhitmyhead
somewher eorI ’
mi nacoma?

“
Buhle,
”Khanyacal
l
eddist
urbi
ngmyt
rai
nof
t
houghts.“
Heisher
e,don’
tworr
y”

“
How?Not
hingmakessense”Isi
ghed.

“Iagr
eebutthemostimport
antthi
ngi
sthathei
s
hereandeveryt
hingwi
llbef
ine,
”
“Shoul
dIgotohim now?ShouldIgi
vehi
m some
space?
”I’
m pani
cki
ngr i
ghtnow.

“Letmet el
lyousomething,whent
hisguyarrived
today;hecameinrunningandshoutingoutyour
nameaski ngwhereyouwer e,t
hel
astthinghe
needsisspacefrom you.youweredyingwithout
him…”Ilaughed.

“
Real
ly?
!?!
”

“Hel
ookedsocrazy.Wealllookedcr
azy;fi
rstofal
l,
hedi
edandsecondlyherocksupaskingforyou…I
meanhell
odude,wearefreakedouthere,
”

Palesawalkedinandwentstrai
ghttothefr
idge.
Theatmospher esuddenl
ythi
ckened.Shetookan
apple,wentovertothesi
nkandwashedi t
.
“
Qhubekani
”(Conti
nue)shesays.what’
swrongwit
h
t
hisgi
rl
?“I’
m happyyourhusbandisbackbythe
way”

“
Thanks…”Isai
d.

“Hey,
doyouthi
nkmaybewecant
alki
npr
ivat
e?”
sheasked.

“No,Ican’
t.Ineedtobewi t
hLi khakha…”howdar e
she?Shehadal lthetimeint hewor l
dt omake
amendsor‘ t
alkinprivate’
andnow, ont hi
sdayt hat
mydeadhusbandcomesback, shewant stotal
kin
pri
vate?Nah!Fuckt hat!Iwalkedout .Igenuinel
y
don’
thavet i
mef orthis.

Iknockedonthedoor
.Idon’tknowwhyI ’
m
knocki
ng…butheopenedandi mmediat
elysmil
ed
whenhesawme.Hest eppedaside,
all
owingmein.
“Iuh…Imadeyouaf rui
tsal
ad.Khanyai spr epari
ng
supperso…”Isatonthebed.Butitdidn’tfeell
ike
mybed.I t
’ssoweir
dhavinghim here.Hei swear i
ng
Mzi’ssweatpant
sandt-shi
rtandheal sosmel lsl
ike
Mzi;Iguesseheusedhiscologneaswel l
.Hesat
nexttome.

“
Thankyou,
baby”het
ookmyhandandki
ssedi
t.

“
Yousmel
lli
kemybr
other
…”hechuckl
ed.

Aftereatinghisfruitsalad,hefel
lasleep.AndYes, I
wat chedhim sleep.Iwat chedhimt ossi
ngand
tur
ni ngandever ything.Ikeptpokinghimjustto
makesur ethathewasr eal.Ial
sonot i
ced
somet hingodd, hekeptj umpinginhissleep,l
ike
somet hingwasscar inghim.So,everytimethat
happened;Ihel dhi shandandsqueezedi tandtold
him hewassaf e.Ihavenoi deawherehewasor
howhewasl i
ving, whathappenedt ohim orwhohe
waswi t
hsoIneedt obever ypat
ientwithhim and
j
ustbet
her
eforhi
m.
Ifi
nallydecidedt olethim sl
eepandnotgawkat
him.Int hemeant imeIhelpedKhanyawi thsupper.
Ofcour se,Ikeptchecki ngonhi m, Icheckedhi s
pulseandever ythi
ng.Iknow, Iknow…I ’m being
paranoid.Whi l
eKhanyaandIwer esetti
ngupt he
table,
Ihear dhi svoicecomingf rom thelivingroom.
Whyi smyhear tbeati
ngsof astrightnow? !?!His
presencei sjustover whel
mingmeorI ’
mj ust
panicking.

“Okayeverybody,supperisready,
”Khanyasang,
andasecondl ater,
theywalkedinoneaf t
erthe
otherchatt
ingamongstt hemselves.Li
khakha
wasn’tther
ethough…letmecheckonhi m.

“
Hey!
”he’
sinmyr
oom.“
Supperi
sready”hesmi
led.

“Comehere,
”hesai
d.Itookafewstepsf
orwar
d
andpl
antedmyfeetri
ghtinf
rontofhim.
“
Youokay?
”Iaskedget
ti
ngahol
dofhi
shand.

“Iknowalothaschangedinthepast2monthsand
Iknowthatwear enotwher
ewewer e,t
hisi
s
probabl
yscaryforyou,
”

“Yeah,ver
y.Ifyouneedspace,Icandothat
…Ijust
don’tknowwhatt odo.I
’m pani
cki
ng.And…Ikept
checkingyourpulsewhenyouwer easl
eep,
”

“Idon’
twantspacemyl ove,
Ijustwantyoutoknow
thatI
’m st
il
lwit
hyouandIst i
llwantt
obewithyou.
It’
l
ldefi
nit
elyt
akealotofadjusti
ngbutal
lIwantis
you,”

Ismil
edandtookanot
herst
epcl
oser
,“I
’
m withyou
too,
andI’
m heref
oryou–youcandoanyt
hingyou
wantwit
hme,”
“I’
lltellyouwhatIwant,”hekissedmyl ips.Fora
momentt hereIwasstati
c,hi
sl i
psagai nstmi ne
def ini
telyshockedme,itfel
tli
keel ectr
icit
y.“Iwant
you, ”hekissedmeagai n,ourli
pswer eintert
wini
ng
justl i
keoldt i
mes.Ist
oodonmyt oessoIcoul d
enj oyt hi
smoment .Iwrappedmyar msar oundhis
neckwhi lehishandsgotcomf ort
abl earoundmy
wai st.Andt hen…

“Heyheyhey,Baby,
yourhandsarewaytolow,
”
Mandlawalkedinwit
houtknocki
ngoratl
east
givi
ngusaheadsup.

“
Mandl
a!”

“Don’tMandl ame! ”hesays,

“You’
llbangeachother
l
ater,let’
shavesuppernow.You’ r
enottheonlyone
thatmi ssedthisdude,”wi
thhisar
msopenhe
chargedf orLikhakhaandhuggedhi m.
“
Okay,
youcanhavehi
m,”Isai
d.

“
Imissedyoutoobr
o,”Li
khakhal
ookedatmeand
t
hensmiled.

Yep!Thegangisoffi
cial
lybacktoget
her.“
Givemea
minute,
letmekissheronemor etimeandthenwe’
l
l
j
oinyou,”

“
Alr
ight
,al
ri
ght
,justdon’
ttouchherass,
”

“
Ipr
omise,
”Mandlafinal
lygaveussomespace.
“
We’r
eokay?”heasked.

Inoddedandt henst
oodonmyt oesandpl
anteda
ki
ssonhi scheekandthenpl
antedanot
heronhis
l
ips.“
Iloveyousomuchokay? ”
“
Iloveyout
oobaby,
”

Wewalkedintothediningroom handinhand.
Honest
ly,
Ireall
ydon’tcarewhathappensnow, as
l
ongasIhavehi m here.Hi
m andIwi l
lbejustf
ine.

“Thankyouf
orfinal
lygr
aci
nguswit
hyourpr
esence
youtoo,
”Khanyasaidasweset
tl
edin.

“Icaughtthi
sni ggagr
abbi
n’mysi
sterass…don’
t
worrybros,Istoppedhim!
”sai
dMandlaeverso
proud.Weal ll
aughed.

“
Ohgod!Imi
ssedyouMandl
a.”

Wehadsupperi
npeace.Justlaughi
ngandchatti
ng
amongstour
sel
ves,
evenPalesawasl aughi
ng.
Ever
ythi
ngwasgenui
neandIhaveneverbeenso
content.Ihaven’ tevent ouchedmyphonesi nceI
sawhi m.I ’
m st i
llinawesoIdon’ twantt odo
anythingt ojeopar di
zet hi
s,what evert hisis-bei na
dream, avi son,what everthef ucki tis.Dur i
ng
supper ,Ikeptsqueezi nghi shandandhesqueezed
ri
ghtback.orIj ustleanedi nandaskedi fhewas
okayandever yt ime;heki ssedmyhandandsai d,
“I’
m okaybaby, areyou? ”.Iguessmor et han
anythingIdon’ twantt oover whel m hi m.Icanf eel
thathehasbeent hr
oughal otwher everhewas.I
havei deawhathappenedsoIj ustwanthi mt obe
comf ortableandatt hesamet ime, Ineedt oadjust
aswel l…Ineedt ogetusedt ohavi nghi m backand-
notonl yunder stand–butal sobel i
evet hatheis
hereandal lofthisisreal.

[
01/
05,
14:
01] :IHOLDABEAST,ANANGEL,
ANDAMADMANINME.-Dyl
anThomas

ENTRY84
3weeksl
ater

Nooneknowst hatLikhakhai salivebutmyf amil

y
andmysel f.Heneededsomet i
met ogetbacki nto
reali
ty.Thepast3weekshavebeent hehar dest.
Likhakhahadal otofdemonst hatheneededt oslay
andt hathasbeencr eatingsomesor tofdivide
betweent hetwoofus.Someni ght shedoesn’ t
sleepatal landwhenhedoes;hekeepswaki ngup
from night mareswhi chhedoesn’ twantt otalk
aboutandt hathasbeenf rustr
atingt omebecauseI
donotknowhowt ohelphim.It ri
edor ganizinga
therapistbuthesnappedatmesot hatwasanogo.
Oneoft henights;hewashavi ngani ghtmar esoI
tri
edt owakehi m up.Heopenedhi seyesandwi tha
fi
stacr ossmyf acehesentmet ot hefloor.The
foll
owi ngmor ning;Iwokewi t
haswol l
eneyeand
thefami lythoughthewashi t
ti
ngme.Mzamonear ly
strangledt hel
ifeoutofhi m.Imadet hem
under standwhatwasact uall
ygoi ngon.
Inor dert okeepmeal i
ve;sai dMzi ,
theymovedhi m
tot heguestbedr oom.If oughti tbutevenhe
himsel fwasf orthatidea.Sot hatcr eatedaneven
biggerdi videbet weenus.Si ncehecameback,
we’ veonl yhadsexonceandi twast hemost
unpl easantt hinginthewor l
d.Hewasj ustrough
andt her ewasnoaf fect i
onorpassi on.Itgottoa
pointwher ehewasr eall
yhur tingme, Itol
dhi mt hat
hewashur tingmebuthedi dn’tlist
en.Icoul dn’t
scr eam becausemybr otherswer egoingt okillhim
thist ime.WhenIt ri
edpushi nghi m of f
,hepi nned
bot hmyar msabovemyheadandgotevenr ougher .
Itight enedmyt eet
hwi l
li
ngt hepai ntoease
fast er…event uallyhest opped.Ki ssedmyf orehead
andsai dhel ovedme.Het henaskedi fIwant edhi m
stayal i
ttl
elongert ocuddl eandchat ,Isaidno.I
wassl eepy.Af terwesai dourgoodni ght,Iwenti nto
thebat hroom andf oundt hatIwasbl eedingal it
tle.I
didn’ ttellhim –i nfact–Idi dn’tt el
lanyone.Idi dn’t
evencr y.Itri
edsohar dtof i
ghtt hememor yofwhat
Rhadebedi dtomet hatni ghtfrom cr eepingbacki n
butt
hetr
uthi
s,Li
khakhadi
dtakemebackt
othat
ni
ght.
Aftersupper,MandlaandNj abulowashedthe
dishesafterPalesaandMzicooked.Andt henwe
decidedtobr i
ngbackourol dtradi
ti
onofgatheri
ng
andchat t
ingthenightaway.Nj abul
ohasnever
reall
yexperiencedthis.Hecamei nt
ot hef
amily
whenSi zwewasgoneandIwasget t
ingmarri
edso
thegangwasj ustseparati
ngforbett
erandfor
wor se,
inSizwe’scaset hati
s.

“Baby,we’
vebeendyi ngtoknowwhatexact l
y
happenedtoyou?”Ithinkit
’ssafetosayMandlai
s
speaki
ngforallofusr i
ghtnow,butearl
ieri
t
seemedhewasnotr eadytotalkabouti
tsoIwil
l
standbyman.

“Mandl
a,he’
l
ltel
luswhenhe’
sready,
”Ispokef
or
him.
“
It
’sokaybaby,youguyshavetoknowsooneror
l
ater
,soitmayaswellbenow…”hei sdi
stur
bedby
t
heknockont hedoor
.Njabul
ostood…

“
PauseBaby,Idon’
twannami
ssat
hing,
”hesai
d
r
unni
ngtothedoor,

“
Anyoneneedsanyt
hing?
”askedBabyheadi
ngt
o
t
hekit
chen.

“Grabmeabeerpl ease,”sai
dMandla.Myeyes
weregluedtotheentrancewait
ingt
oseewhot he
visi
torwas.AndthenSizwewalkedin.

“
Shobra!
”hesayspassi
ngNj
abul
oandwal
king
r
ighti
n.

“
Sizwe,
”cr
iedKhanyai
nexci
tement
.
“
Whatthehelliswr ongwi t
hyou?!
?!?”saysMzamo,
“
Boy,youcan’tjustdisappearwi
thoutsayinga
wor
d,”hesai
dst andi
ngupt ohughim.

“Howi severybody?”hesayshuggingusonebyone.
Whyi severyonesoundingli
ketheyaresurpr
isedt
o
seethathei sback?Somethingisn’
tri
ght
…

“Si
zwe!
”Li
khakha’
svoi
cecutt
hroughal
lthel
oud
chat
ter
.

“Whatthefuck!
”Sizwenear
lyl
osthisbal
anceaf
ter
seei
ngLikhakhaisver
ymuchalive.“
Youare
supposedtobedead.

“
It
’sokay,
he’
sreal
…”sai
dPal
esa.

Hewentdownononekneeandsang,
“Nkosi
yesi
zwe!
”
“Yes!I’
m al
iveSizwe.Andit
’sgoodtoseeyoutoo,
”
afterSi
zwekissedme, Li
khakhahasneverever
l
ookedathimt hesamewayandi t
’sthesamegoes
forme.

“Anyway;Li
khakhawasabouttot
elluswhat
happenedtohim?”sai
dKhanya.

“
Iwasj
ustpassi
ngby,
can’
tst
ayl
ong,
”

“
Don’
tdi
sappearonusnow…”sai
dMzamo

“I
’
m around,
don’
tworr
y,”hegl
ancedatme.“
My
ki
ng,I
’
m gladyoual
i
veandwel l
,
”

“
Likewi
se,
”
“Iwil
lseeyousoon,”hel ethi
msel fout
.Isn’
titweir
d
thathedidn’tsayawordt ome?Si zwewoul dnever
notspeakt ome…weal lknowhowSi zweis.Okay,I
knowmymi ndwon’tr
estuntilIput2and2t ogether
andmakesenseofever ythi
ng,butnowIneedt o
l
istentoLikhakha’
sstory.

“Anyway, backt owhathappened! ”het ookmyhand

andsqueezedi t.Iknowdeepdowni nsidet hi sman,
myLi khakhai sstill
inthereandIknowIwi llhave
him backsoon.Ican’ tgi
veuponhi m.Hi sfami ly
can’tbet r
ustedandi fhelosesme,hel oses
everyonei nthisroom wi t
hhim.“Thel astthi ngI
rememberar eabunchofmeni nbalaclavasar med
andsur roundingt hecar,shouti
ngandwavi ngt hei
r
gunsar ound.Iwasj ustabouttocallBuhl et ot ell
herIwasonmywaysheshoul dgether selfr eady.
Wewer egoingt ospendt heweekendatt hehot el
together.

“
Youwer
eaboutt
ocal
lme?
”Iasked.
“Yeah!Ilit
erall
yjusthadt ohitthegr eenbut
ton.And
thent henextIknew, wewer epul l
edoutofthecar
andt hrowni nt
ot heground.Myguar dsandItri
edt o
fi
ghtbutwewer eoutnumber ed.Oneoft hem f
inall
y
gaveanor dertotheotherguyst ell
ingthem t
ost op.
Irememberhi m clear
lysaying,theyhadno
businesswi thmyguar ds,theyshoul dkil
lme,”

“Ohno!”Pal
esai
sgoi
ngt
ocr
y,wecanal
lheari
tin
hervoi
ce.

“Andso,Ibegged,Ibeggedtocallyouandjust
speaktoyouonemor eti
me,”hesighedloudl
y.His
eyeswerealsoteari
ng.Thatmusthavebeenscar y.
Iguesstheydidn’
tall
owmebecausef rom t
heremy
memor yisbl
ank,”helookedatme.“ Di
dtheykil
lthe
guards?”

“
No,
theyar
eal
ive.Theywer
ewoundedbutt
hey
l
ived…”Isai
d.

“ThankGod.Anyway,aft
ert
hatIwokeupi nthi
s
darkroom t
hatsmeltl
ikemedi
cineandherbsand
everyt
hingunpl
easant
.Longstoryshor
t,aboy
foundmebyt heri
verbankl
if
elessandbleedi
ng,”

“Wereyounotbi
tt
enbysnakesandcr
ocodi
les?
”
askedNjabul
o.

“Ihadasnakebit
ebuttheol
dwomanwasabl
eto
helpwi
ththat
,”hesays.

“
Oldwoman?
”Iasked.

“Theboy’
sgrandmother
.Iwokeup5daysaftert
he
i
ncidentwi
thnomemor yofwhoIwasorwhathad
happenedatal
l.Iwasparal
yzedf
rom t
heneck
down,”
“
OhmyGod!
”myvoi
cet
rembl
ed.

“
Buthowar
eyounotpar
alyzednow?
”asked
Mandl
a.

“Theoldlady–shet ookcar eofme.Shemademe

takedisgustingconcoct i
onseveryday…sheandI
foughtal otbutherintenti
onswer epure.Atfi
rst,
I
thoughtshewant edt oturnmei ntoazombi e,some
ofthemi xeshadsi deeffectsli
kehall
ucinati
onor
drowsiness.EventuallyIstart
edfeeli
ngherpinches
andpokeswi thneedles.Sheandt heli
ttl
eboy
helpedmewal kagain...
”

“
That
’ssur
real
”Khanyasays.

“
Buttherewassti
llthei
ssueofmymemor y.Whi
leI
wassti
llcl
uel
essast owhoIwasorhowIgothurt,
t
heoldwomancal ledmenyana(son)
;despit
eour
misunderst
andi
ngsandt hel
ackofcomfor
tabi
li
tyi
n
theenvi
ronment,Isti
lll
ovedstayi
ngwit
hthose
two,
”Ikeptsqueezinghishandeveryt
imehe
paused.

“
Whendi
dyougetyourmemor
yback?
”askedMzi

“Ijustwokeuponemor ni
ngandIr emembered.But
gogodi dn’twantmet ol
eavejustyetsoshekept
mef oranotherweekorsomakingsur eIhadf
ull
y
recoveredt hentheyf
oundsomeonewi t
hasmart
phoneandt hat’
swhenIdiscoveredwhathadbeen
happeni nginmyabsence,”

“
Theyaccusedmeofcheat
ingonyouandt henyour
f
amil
ydraggedmeoutli
keInevermeantanythi
ng
t
oyouorthiski
ngdom,
”

“Isaweveryt
hing,
”hesays.“
Myf
atheri
sbehi
ndal
l
ofthi
s;Icanjustf
eeli
t.
”
“
Yourdeat
htoo?
”Pal
esa’
seyesgr
ewwi
der
.

“
Idon’tevenwanttothi
nkt
hat…butmyfatherhas
t
hisvendett
aagainstmywi
fe.Anythi
ngispossibl
e”

Thatnight,aftereveryonehadgonet obed.Itexted
Mzamot omeetmei nthekitchenforal ate-ni
ght
snackandhi m beingthelovingbrot herthatheis,
hecamet hrough.We’ resi
tt
ingont hekitchen
countertalki
ngoverat ubofi ce-
cream.We’ vebeen
hereforthepasthal fanhourandIj ustcan’tget
myselftoment i
onSi zwe.It
’snowornever ,
weneed
togot obed.It’smor ni
ngnow.

“
Hmmm,
bhut
i”hel
ookedatme,
“So,
Sizwe”

“Sothisiswhatyoureal
lywant
edt
otal
kabout
,not
theotherbul
lshi
tabouthowmuchyoumiss
Bubbles,
”
“
Ilovehowyouknowme…”

“
Sowhatabouthi
m?”

“
Bef
oreBaby’
sfuner
al…he…”

Hedi
dn’
tevenletmefi
nishmysent
ence,
“Hewhat
?
Di
dhedoanything?
”

“
NoMzamo,
”

“Nobuhl
e,i
fhedi
danyt
hingyouneedt
otel
lmer
ight
now.Iwil
lfi
ndhi
mri
ghtnow,”

“Ok,
fir
stofal
lit
’s2inthemorni
ng.Andsecondl
y,
hedidn’
tdoanythi
ng.Oratl
eastIt
hinkhedidn’
t…”
“
What
’sup?
”

“
Okay,
bef
oret
hef
uner
al,
Sizwecamet
oseeme…”

“
And?
”

“AndhetalkedaboutLi
khakha’
sdeathandthethe
newshadn’tbeenrel
easedtothepubli
c.WhenI
asked,hesaidhewascomi ngfr
om youguys,you
updatedhi
m, ”

“What?
”hejumpedofft
hecounterandplant
ed
himsel
finf
rontofme.“
That
’snottrue,
”

“
Yeah!Ihear
dintheconver
sat
ionear
li
er,
youal
l
wer
eshockedtoseehim,”

“
Andam It
heonl
yonewhonot
icedhowshocked
hewaswhenhesawLi
khakha,
”

“Inot
icedthat
,butt
henagai
n,anyonewoul
dbe,
knowingthehewassupposedtobedead”

“
It
’swhathesai
daf
tert
hatgotmet
hinki
ng,
”

“
Whenhesai
d‘you’
resupposedt
obedead’
?”

“Yes!Hemadei
tsoundl
ikehi
sdeat
hwas
somethi
nghewassureof,
”

“
ThankGod,
IthoughtIwascr
azy,
”

Hegotcl
oser,rai
sedhishandandthenr
estediton
myshoulder
.“Don’tsayanyt
hingt
oanyonejustyet
,
l
etmelookintoit
.”
Inodded,
“NotevenMziandMandl
a?”Iasked.

“Especi all
ynotMzi ,Babyispracti
cal
lyhisbest
fri
end, hewi llobviouslywanttoendSi zwewithout
evidencepi nni nghimt otheaccident
,”Inodded
agreeingwi t
hhi m.“Wai t
!Whywoul dSi zwedothis
though? ”Ohf uck!Thehar dpart.

“
Me?
”

“
Whataboutyou?
”heshr
uggedhi
sshoul
der
s.

“
Ithi
nkSi
zwenevergotoverourki
ss…”Isai
d.

“What?!
?!
”hisvolumei ncr
eased.Ithrewmyhand
overhi
slipsstoppinghimfrom speakingatal
l.He
removed,“Di
dhet ellyout
hat?”heasked.
“No,Icanseeit
.Isawit
…thedayhecametoseeme
atthepalaceheaskedmeoutonadate,
”

“
Whatt
hef
uck,
Buhl
e!”hi
stonegotaggr
essi
ve.

“
Hey!Keepyourvoi
cedown…”i
nsi
sted.

“
Ishoul
dhaveki
ll
edthatbast
ard.Whyar
eyouonl
y
t
ell
ingmet
hisnow?”

“Becauseyou…”Li
khakhawal
kedi
n.“
Babe,
you
okay?”

“
I’
mfi
ne,
areyouguysokay?
”

“
Sir
ightbaf
o”saysMzamo.

“
Ican’
tsl
eep,
doyout
hinkmaybeyoucancomef
or
acuddl
e…”Li
khakhaasked.

“
Yeah!I
’
dl ovet
oo…”Ijumpedof
fthecount
erand
l
andedri
ghtinf
rontofMzamo.

“Hmmm, Baby.Idon’
tmeant opr
yinyourbedroom
busi
nessbutdoyouthinkit
’sagoodideawit
hal l
theni
ghtmaresandstuf
f?”Mzamoasked.

“Mzamo,Iwoul
dneveri
ntent
ional
lyhur
tyour
si
ster
…”hesays.

“
It
’sokay,we’
llbefi
ne,
”It
ookLi
khakha’
shand.
“
Goodnightbhuti
,”

“
Holdon,t
hat
’snotwhatIwassayi
ng…I
’
mjust
t
ryi
ngto…”
“
Mzamo,
stayoutofi
t,pl
ease.
”sai
dLi
khakha.

Mzamowavedhi spawsabovehi
shead,
“I’
m sor
ry.
you’
rer
ight
,”hi
seyeskeptminei
npl
ace.

“Canyoubeli
eveyourbr
other?St
icki
nghi
snosein
ourbusi
ness…”hesaidshutt
ingt
hedoorbehi
nd
him.

“Heisj
ustt
ryi
ngtolookoutfort
hebot
hofus,
”I
def
endedmybr ot
her.Wemadeoursel
ves
comfor
tabl
eineachother
’sarms.

Heki
ssedt
het
opofmyhead,
“Imi
ssedyou,
”

“
Imi
ssedyout
oo,
”Isqueezedhi
m.

Het
hensatupst
rai
ghtandpl
ant
edasof
tki
sson
myl i
ps.“
Iwanttoseeyou”hesaidandswi
tchedon
thesidel
amp.Heleanedinandkissedmyfor
ehead
andthenmylipsandthentr
avel
leddowntomy
neck.

“
Babe,
wear
esupposedt
obecuddl
ing”

Hemadehimsel
fcomfort
abl
einbetweenmythighs
whi
leki
ssi
ngmyneckandchest.Hi
shandtravell
ed
upmydressandthengr
abbedontomybreast.

“Ouch!Li
khakha,
takei
teasy…”hegr
abbedmy
breastwaytohar
d.

“Justrel
ax,
”hesai
doutofanger
.Heat
tempt
edto
pulldownmyunderwearbutmyhandr
ushedto
grabhis.

“
Hey!St
op!Idon’
twantt
o…”t
henextt
hingIf
eltwas
hisotherhandatthebackofmyhedadpul li
ngmy
hair
.“Likhakha,
youarehurt
ingme…st op!”Icri
ed.I
fel
tmyeyesbur ni
ngupandt hat
’sthelastt
hingI
want.Idon’twanttocauseanydr ama.

“Buhl
e,justfucki
ngcal
m down…”heyelled.I’
m sur
e
hejustwoket heent
ir
ehouseup.Whenhet oremy
underwear;Iknewthi
swasn’tmyLikhakha
anymore.IknewIhadt odosomething.

“No!Stop!”Ishout ed.Ifoughthim buthewast oo

heavyf orme.“Baby, uyandili
maza! !
”(Youar e
hurti
ngme)Icr ied.Thedoorswungopen.Mzamo
andMzicamef lyingi n.Li
khakhaj umpedt ohisfeet
andIsatupst raight.Mzamo’ sfi
rsti
nstinctwasto
pinLikhakhaagai nstt hewallandholdhi m bythe
throat
.

“
Shesai
dst
op!
”Mzamosai
d.
“No,it
’sf
ine…everythi
ngi sfi
ne.It
’sjust
…”Itr
iedto
defendLikhakhabutI ’
m shakingandIcan’tget
myselftospeak.Idon’tknowwhatt osaytomake
them bel
ievethateverythi
ngisfine.Mzicametomy
aid.Mandlawalkedi nwithNjabulo.

“What’swrong?”heasked.Hel ookedatmeand
thenatLikhakha,“Di
dhehur tyou?”heasked.
BeforeIcouldrespondMandl ahadsomehow
managedt oflytoLikhakhaplant
edapunchr i
ght
acrosshisface.

“
Stopi
t,hei
snotokay.Heneedsourhel
p…”Icr
ied

“Boys,vi
olencewon’tsol
veanyt
hingr
ightnow.Let
him be…”saidNjabul
o.

“I
’
m sorr
y,mylove…I
’m sor
ry…”saidLi
khakhafi
ll
ed
withr
egreti
nhisvoi
ceandgui l
tinhi
seyes.How
arewegoingtocomebackf r
om thi
s?
[
01/
05,
14:
01] :THEBRAVESTWARRI ORSKNOW
WHENTORETREAT–MaureenJoyceConnol
ly.

ENTRY85

I’
m doi ngitagain.I
’
m doingt hatthi
ngwher eIbeat
mysel foverfuckedsituationseveniftheyarenot
myf aul t
.Whathappenedear li
erthi
smor ni
ngwas
notinanywaymyf ault.ButasI ’
ml ooki
ngatmyself
i
nt hemi rr
or,
Iam goingoverdi ff
erentscenari
os
thatdon’ tendthewayt hingsdid.Ishouldhave
l
istenedt oMzamo.FuckyouNobuhl e!Atl
eastI
slept.

“
Goodmorni
ngever
ybody,
”Isai
dtaki
ngaseatat
t
hetabl
e.
“
Goodmorningfami
ly,
”sangMandl
awal
kingi
nal
l
j
oll
yandbr
ight.

So,Mzamoi stheonet hatmadebr eakfast

.You
knowthatbibleversethatsaysGodwi llpr
epareus
atabl
einthepr esentsofourenemies?What
Mzamodi dtodayi stheexactdefi
nit
ionofthat.
Mzamol i
ter
allypreparedusat abl
e,onlyI’
m not
surei
nthepr esenceofwhi chenemies.Mybr ot
her
usual
lygoesover boardwhenhef eelsguil
tyabout
somethi
ngsoI ’m alit
tl
econfused.
Mzamowal kedincar
ryi
ngajarofjui
cewit
hadi sh
cl
othhangingoverhi
sshoul
der.Hewalkedoverto
me,bentdownandkissedmyforehead.

“
Heysi
s,
”hesays.

“Heybrother
,”Hepr
obabl
yfeelsgui
lt
yaboutwhat
happened.Heshoul
dn’tf
eelbadatal
l;i
twasn’
thi
s
faul
t.Ormaybehefeel
sthatheshouldhavet
ri
ed
har
dtopr
eventmef
rom goi
ngt
ocuddl
e.

“
Youokay?
”Nj
abul
oaskedme.

“Yeah,”Okay,t
heybetternotdothi
s.“Everyone
pleaseli
sten,whathappenedbetweenmeandBaby
wasver yunfort
unate.ButIdon’
tneedyouguys
treat
ingmel i
keIwasi nanabusiverel
ationshi
p,”

“
But,i
twassti
llt
raumat
izi
ng.I
’
m sur
eitmusthave
t
akenyoubackto…”

“Li
khakhawouldneverhur
tonpurposeandallof
youknowthat!
”IcutMandlashort
.“Hehasbeen
thr
oughalotandhejustneedshel
p,”

“
Andt
hat
’swhyhehadt
oleave”Mzispoke.
“
Whatdoyoumean?
”Iasked.

“
Wher
edi
dhego?
”Pal
esaasked.

“
Hel
eft
?”Khanyai
sal
soconf
used.

“Li
khakha,
”Ishoutedhisnameheadingdownthe
passagetotheguestbedroom wher
ehesleeps.

“
Buhl
e,comeback,
”

Iswungthedooropenandfoundaneat l
ymadebed.
Thewindowsareopen,t
hebathroom doori
sopen
andther
eisnosignofBaby.Okay,br
eatheBuhl
e.I
wentbacktot
hediningr
oom.

“Wher
edidhego? ”Iasked.Myhandsar
eshaki
ng
andhear
tisabouttojumpoutofmymout h.
“
Nobuhl
e,hehadl
eave!
”Mzisays.

“
Didhegobackhome?
”

“
No,
justsi
tdown”Mzist
ood.

“
Don’tfucki
ngtel
lmewhatt
odo!”It
ookonest
ep
f
orward.“Wher
edidhego?’
Ishout
ed.

“
Heisget
ti
nghel
p”Mzamo’
svoi
cepi
ercedt
hrough
l
oudandbol
d.
“
Wher
e?”Isweart
oGod,
Iam aboutt
olosei
t.

“
Wecan’
ttel
lyout
hat
”Mzamor
esponded.

“Pl
easedon’
tdothi
stome,
Iam beggi
ngyou.I
can’
t…”Il
oweredmytr
embl
ingvoi
ce.
“Heneedstogethel
pandwhenhehasgottent
he
hel
pthatheneedshewil
lcomeback.
”-Mzamo

“Didyouchasehi m outMzamo?Wast hisyour

i
dea? ”Imarchedovertohim andheimmedi atel
y
stood.“Wherethefuckishe?”Ipushedhim.Mandla
cameandst oodbet weenMzamoandmysel f.“I
hateyou!”Istor
medof f.“
Allofyou!
”

Howcant heydothist
ome?Tohi m?Li khakhais
ourfami l
y.IswearI
’m goi
ngtohaveament al
breakdown.Ihatethem!Iwil
lnevereverforgi
ve
them forthi
s.Mzamowal kedi
nandf oundme
pacingupanddown.

“
Sis,
”

“
Comi
ngi
nher
ewasabadi
dea,
leaveme,
”Isai
d.
“
Justl
ist
ent
ome”

“
Go”t
her
ewasal
otofr
agehel
dinmyvoi
ce.

“
Hedidthi
shimself
.Hecal
ledmer
ightaf
terweal
l
wentt
obed,r
ightaf
ter
…”

“Andyouhel
pedhim?”myeyesgrewwiderasI
plant
edmyfeeti
nfrontofhi
s.Hetookast
epback.

“Ofcourse,Idid!Iwanthi mtogethelpasmuchas
youdo,”het ookmyhandandpul l
edmet ohi schest
.
“Whenhehasr ecei
vedthathelp,
hewi l
lcomeback
toyou,okay? ”hesqueezedme.I ’
m notsure
whethertopushhi m awayorembr acehim aswell.
“I
nthemean- ti
me, youneedtowor konyour sel
fas
well
.Youalsoneedt ospeaktosomeone,”
“
Likeashr
ink”Il
ookedathi
m.

“Youhavebeengoi ngthroughal otandIfeell

ike
youhaven’treall
ydealtwi t
hyourdemons, ”hesays.
“Eversi
nceLi khakha’
sf uneral
,you’vebeen
separat
edfrom t heworld.Yourphonehasbeenof f
.
Youdon’tgoout side,
”

“
Idogoout
side,
”Idef
endedmysel
f.

“Yeah,onl
ytowor koutandt
hat
’si
nsi
det
heyar
d.
Thisisnotheal
thy…”

“You’
reright,
”Irest
edmyheadonhi
schestagai
n,
andthistime,Iwrappedmyar
msaroundhi
m and
reci
procatedthehug.

“
Sowehuggi
ngnow?
”heaskedal
mostwhi
sper
ing.
“
Yes,
wear
e.”

“Don’tkil
lme,
”hesqueezedmeharder.“Ihave
organizedsomeoneforyouandIwil
ltakeyouto
him attwotoday…”

“MzamowethuMqokel
i,
”LordknowsIwantt
oki
ll
himri
ghtnow…Ido,
Ireal
lydo.

“Ial
readypaidfori
t,si
s…”asifthatmakesthi
ngs
anybetter
.“Justtr
yhim out
,ifyoudon’
tli
kehim,
we’l
lchangehim.”

“Fine!
”Iwhi sper ed.Youknowwhat ?Iwil
lgofort
his
stupidsessionandj ustonce.Justf ormybr ot
her
.
AfterMzamocal medmedown;Iwentbackt ojoi
n
them forbreakf astandapol ogizedformybehavior.
Iwasqui etaroundt hetable;honestly,
I’
m sadandI
feelbadthatLi khakhai sinast rangeplacewit
h
strangepeopl eandnotevenasi ngl
efamil
iarf
ace
around.ButIguessher eall
yneedstobef
ixedandI
can’thol
dthatagainsthim.Iwouldhavet
oldhi
m
wher eIwasthough,justsayi
ng…

I’
m wai t
ingbytherecept i
onareawi thMzamoand
Khanya.I ’
m notsurehowI ’mf eel
ingsoIwon’teven
tr
yt ounderstandthat.We’vebeenher eforalmost
halfanhourandIbegi nni
ngt olosemypat i
ence;
doest hi
stherapi
stwantt oseemeorwhat ?Frankl
y,
Idon’twantto.Thedoori nfrontofusopenanda
guyinapai rofblackjeans,ar edV-neckt-
shirtand
whitesneakersstrol
ledout .

“
Mzamo,
myguy!
”Oh!Theyknoweachot
her
.

“
Steve,”t
heyhuggedt
hemanlyway.“
Hey!Thanks
f
orthisman…itmeansal
otDoc.
”

“
Anyt
hingforyoumyguy”hetookaquickglanceat
meandthenatKhanya.“
Khanya,
sti
llgor
geousas
ever!
”hestretchedouthi
shandandKhanya
l
eisurel
yrestedhersonit
.Asgentl
eashecanbe,
heplantedasof tki
ssonthebackofherhand.
.

“It
’sgoodtoseeyouSt
eve,How’
sBonnie?”she
asked.Clear
ly;I
’
mtheonl
yonethatdoesn’
tknow
thi
sman.

“She’sgood,
she’
sst
il
lpr
egnant
”hesi
ghed
nervousl
y.

“Sendmylovetoher
,”Shesayswi
tht
hemostpol
it
e
andfancysmil
e.

“Iwil
l.YoumustbeNobuhl
e,
”heletouthi
shand
l
ikehedi dt
oKhanyaandsoIdi
dwatKhanyadid;I
placemyhandonhisandthenhekissedi
t.

“
Nicet
omeetyou,
”If
eltMzamo’
ssqueezeonmy
ar
m andt
hat
’sasi
gnalf
ormet
obeni
ce.

“Pl
ease,”hesteppedasi
demakingwayf ormeto
walkin.Itooksl
owandcarefulstepsf
orward.Wow!
Thi
sof fi
ceisbeauti
ful
.Heshutthedoorandthen
walkedovertohisdesk.

“Takeaseat”hesaid.Il
ookedaroundandther
ear
e
alotofseat
shere,Iam notsur
ewher etopl
acemy
butt.

“Youhavealotofchai
rs,
wher
edoyouwantme?
”I
asked.Hel
ookedatmeandgiggl
ed.

“That’
saf i
rst
,”hesays.“Okay,
pickyourfavouri
te.
We’rejusther
et otal
k,i
t’
snotabi gdeal
,”hepicked
upanot ebookandapent henmadesuret hatI
knowhei swai t
ingforme.
“
So,
thi
stal
kingi
snotabi
gdeal
?”Iconf
ir
med.

“
Iwon’
tfor
ceyout
otal
kifyoudonotwantt
o,”

“
Idon’
twantt
otal
k,
”

“Okay, wecoul djustsit,Iwillber ightoverher eif

youneedme”het ookasi tbehi ndhi sdesk, threw
onapai rofglassesandst artedl ookingal l
professionalandser ious.It ookasi tont heleather
couchgi vinghi m myback, pickedupamagazi ne
andj ustreadt hroughi t
.After10mi nutesorso, I
start
edf eeli
nggui lt
yf orthi
s.Whati fIreall
ydoneed
helpandI ’m herewast i
ngmybr other’smoney?
Likhakhawentt ogethel p,Iwantt obef i
xedwhen
hecomesback.

“
Yout
hinkyoucanf
ixme?
”Iasked.
“
Yout
hinkyouneedf
ixi
ng?
”her
esponded.

“No,mybr
other
sdo…It
hinkI
’
mfi
ne”Ican’
teven
convi
ncemysel
f.

“Youthi
nk?”heechoedme.Imar
chedonovert
ohi
s
deskandtookaseat.

“Idon’
tknow,Ithi
nkI’
mfine.You’
ret
hedoct
or,
you
shouldknow”lookam meimplyi
ngthi
sguyi
s
i
ncompet ent
.

“
HowcanIknowwhenwear enott
alki
ng?
”he
l
eanedbacki
nhi
sfancychai
r.

“
Butwear
e,”Ibl
inkedr
epeat
edl
y.

“
Mybad,
Iwasn’
tawar
ethatwewer
einsessi
on.
”
Hereachedforhispenandnot
ebook.Imustadmit,
thi
sguyisveryquickwi
thhist
ongue.Fast
erthan
myself
.“Whydoyout hi
nkyourfami
lywantsyouto
seeatherapi
st?
”heasked.

“Becausealotofshi
thasbeenhappening.Fi
rst,
my
husbanddied.Themediatarni
shedmyi mage.His
famil
ykickedmeout.Thenmyhusbanddi dn’tdi
e.
Hechangedi nt
oacompl et
elydif
fer
entper
son…”

“
Dif
fer
enthow?
”hedi
stur
bedme

“
Hewasj
ustamonst
er.Iknowhewoul
dneverhur
t
mei
nanywaybut
…”

“Didhehur
tyou?”hecockedhi
shead.It
ookadeep
breat
hinandthenout
.

“
Oneni
ght
,wewer
ehavi
ngsexandhegotr
eal
ly
roughwithme,butitwasn’
tonpur
pose,
hehas
beenthroughalot
”hekeptnoddi
ng.WhydoIf
eel
stupi
dtalki
ngaboutthi
s?

“Di
dyoutellhimtost
op?”Inodded.“Andhedi
dn’
t?”
Inoddedagain.“
Wherei
shenow? ”

“Well,
hegotaggr essiveagai naround3t his
morningandt henhel eft.Idon’tknowwher ehei s
butmybr otherssayhei ssaf eandt hatheisgetti
ng
thehelpheneeds, ”Ibitonmyl owerlip,“
Ishould
havegot tenhim helpsoonbef orethingsgotto
wheret heydid.Ijustthoughtt hatifIstayedwith
him andmadehi m comf ort
able,maybehewi l
lheal,
”

“
Youdi
dnot
hingwr
ong”hesays.

“
Idi
dn’
tgethi
m hel
p!”Iopposedhi
sst
atement
.
“Youwerethereforhi m.That’smor
et hanenough
help…”hepausedandt hatmademef eel
uncomfort
able.“List
en, t
hismanclearlylovesyou
andwhereverhei s,Idon’tthi
nkheblamesyouf or
anythi
ng.Theonl ypersonyoushouldbef ocusi
ng
onnowi syou…justlikehet ookt
hedeci si
ont ogo
andgethelp,
”

“
ButIfeelgui
lt
yf ort
ryi
ngt
otakecar
eofmyself
whenIhavenoi deahowheisorwherehei
s?”

“Lookati tt
hisway.Let’scr eateastory;youand
Likhakhaar egoingoutonadat ethi
sevening,
after
wor khegoeshomet of r
eshenupandputon
cleanclothes,”okaywhatt hehel li
sthisguygett
ing
at?“Youont heotherhand, areconfli
cted.Youare
notsurewhet hertogoandchangeorj ustmeethim
wear i
ngthecl othesyou’
vebeensweat ingi
nthe
wholeday”okay, thi
sactuallymakessense.

“
Okay…t
hatmakessense.
”
“ThankGod, Ididn’thaveprofessionalandprofound
thingstosay,”hesi ghedi
nr el
ief.Ifeltasmil
e
visit
ingmyf ace,Iquickl
ybrushedi tof f
.“So,
you
needt odecidewhet heryouwantt olooksexyfor
thisdateornot…”Inoddedt owhathewassayi ng.
“Andf oryoutolooksexy, youneedt ocomeher e
andgett hebestmakeovermoneycanbuy, ”

Hespokeal otofsense.Thoughi twasn’ t

professionalorpr ofoundbutIgotwhathewas
sayingandi tmadeal otofsenset ome.Even
thoughLi khakhal eavingfeelsli
kehedi edforthe
secondt ime;Iunder standandIappl audhi mforhis
bravery.Iwoul dhaveneverbeenabl et odowhathe
did.NowIneedt odeci dewhetherIl i
ket hi
sguyor
notandi fIwantt oseehi m agai
n.Itf eelswrong
pouringyourhear toutt oacompl etest r
anger.If
elt
nakedandexposedandnott oment ionweakand
that’
sthel astthi
ngIeverwantt of eelorbe.
[
01/05,14:
01] :YOUMAYWRI TEMEDOWNI N
HISTORYWI THYOURBI
TTER,TWISTEDLI
ES.YOU
MAYTRODMEI NTHEVERYDIRTBUTSTILL,LI
KE
DUST,I’
LLRISE–MayaAngel
ou

ENTRY86

I’
vebeengoingtothet her
apistforthepast3weeks
now.Hehasbeenhel pful
.Icallhim wheneverI
wantandhet al
kstomeandgi vesmeadvi ce.Ihad
anonli
neconsultati
onwi t
hhimt odaybecausehe
hastr
aveledoverseaswi t
hhispr egnantwifewhom
Iwasluckyenought omeetvi athevideochat .
Bonni
e,isquit
ethecat chandwaski ndenought o
l
etmebor rowherhusbandf or45mi nutes.

I’
vebeendoi ngbett
er.Muchmuchbet t
er…Imiss
Likhakhaeverydayandnotbeingabl
etocallhim or
texthim mademyheal i
ngprocessmuchhar der
,but
havingmyf amilywi t
hmehasbeenr eall
yhelpful
.
Today, Mziinsi
stedtotakemeoutonadat e.He
rentedoutMandl a’
sbarf orus;Iam st
il
lnotsureI
wantt ogobacki nt
ot heworldjustyet
.Notwi t
hout
Likhakha.Hesaidt olookfancysodarli
ngthat’s
whatIdi d.

“
I’
mready?
”If
oundhi
mint
hel
ivi
ngr
oom wai
ti
ng
f
orme.

“
Yho!
”hecriedashej
umpedt
ohi
sfeet
.“MyGod,
l
ookatyou!
”

“
HowdoIlook?
”It
wir
ledgi
vinghi
m af
ullvi
ewof
myout
fi
t.

“Youl
ookperf
ectsi
s,Ial
mostfor
gothowgorgeous
youarewhenyoucl
eanup,”Pal
esaappear
edfrom
behi
ndme.
“Awusemhl
ent
ombi
,
”(You’
resobeaut
if
ulgi
rl
)she
sai
d.

“Enkosi”(
thankyou)It hr
ewinagenui nesmi l
e.
Nothingwasevert hesamebet weenus.It ryto
avoidherandsodoesshe.Ihaven’ tr eall
yhadt he
ti
meorener gyt odealwithotherpeopl ebutmysel f
andsomeoft hethingsshesai dstuckwi t
hme.I
alwaysendupaski ngmyselfifshewasr i
ghtabout
everythi
ng?MaybeIdodeser veever ythingthat’
s
beenhappeni ngtomebecauseI ’
m abadper son
andI ’
m sel
fish.Justhavi
ngherar oundmei s
uncomf ort
able.

“Love,canyougiveusaminute,
please?
”she
requested.Okay…t
hisi
sthet
imetoletallt
hisshi
t
go.

“Okay,l
adies”heki
ssedmyf or
eheadandthen
kissedherontheli
ps.“
Iloveyouboth,
”heexi
ted.
“Let
’ssi
t,
”shesays.Ifoll
owedhert othecouch.
“Hmm, Iwaswrong…thet hingsIsai
dtoyouwere
verywrongandinappropriate,
”

“Yeahbutthat
’st
hethi
ngthough,why?What
happened?Ihavebeennothi
ngbutnicet
oyou.I
nevert
riedtocomebetweenyouandmybr ot
her
,
i
nsteadIsupport
edyouandhelpedyouwhenyou
neededme,”

“
Iknow,”shetookmyhands.“Honest
ly,
IguessI
wasjustj
ealous.Youar
ethequeen,
”

“
Was!
”Icor
rect
edher
.

“Youstil
lar
e!Andever
yoneknowsyou…youwork
hard.Imeanyou’
vebasical
lymadeanamefor
yoursel
fandI’
mjustyourbrot
her
s’wi
fe”she
shrugged.
“Iunderstand.Notsol ongago, Iwasknownast he
threebrothers’sist
erandt hatannoyedme.Whydo
yout hi
nkIwant edtobei nKZNsobad?Gi r
l,I
want edtomakeanamef ormysel fwit
houtthem,”I
sighedsof t
ly.“Youknowyour sel
fandwhatyou’ r
e
passionateabout .Thinklonghar daboutwhatyou
wantt odo.I’m hereifyouneedhel p,
”shenodded.
“We’regood, comeher e”wehuggedi toutandboy
am Iglad.Onel esst hi
ngt owor r
yabout .

“Imi
ssedyou,
”shewi
ncedasweembr
acedone
anot
her.
*
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
*
*
***
***
***

Wej ustpul
ledupoutsidethebar.It’
squiet.The
star
sar eoutli
ght
ingupt henightjustperfect
ly.I
wishIwasgoi ngonthisdatewi t
hmycr ush
Li
khakha.ButMzii saper f
ectsubstit
ute.Hegotout
andopenedt hedoorforme.
“Ma’
am,
”hesays.It
ookhi
shandhoppedoutoft
he
car
.

“
Thankyou.
”Ihookedmyar
mint
ohi
sandt
henwe
madeourwayinsi
de.

“Iwantyout
oenj
oyyour
sel
ftoni
ghtokay,
letgoof
ever
ythi
ngandj
ustbei
nthemoment.Everyt
hingi
s
real
,
”

“
Okay…Iwi
llbei
nthemoment
,”

Whenwewal kedin,t
herewasaguystandi
ngby
thedoorwit
ht woglassesonat
ray.Onewit
hwine
andtheotherjui
ce.

“Goodeveni
ng,
”hesmi
led.I
’
veseenhi
m ar
ound
herebef
ore.
“
Thankyou,
”Ipi
ckedt
heonet
hati
sobvi
ousl
ymi
ne.

“
Isever
ythi
ngr
eady,
Mbuso?
”Mzii
nqui
red.

“
Kunj
aloskhul
usam,
”(Yes,
myboss)

Mzi’
sphonerangandhepi
ckedi
tup.“
Tal
ktome,
”
hesayswal
kingout.

“Letmet
akeyoutoyoursitma’
am,
”Mbusot
ookmy
handandleadmetoourtabl
e.

“Thankyou,
”I’
m sureMziorder
edthisguyt
obe
kindtomeandt r
eatmelikealady.

“
Start
erswil
lbecomi ngsoon,
”Inoddedpol
it
ely.
Well
,IguessI
’l
ljustsiponmyjui
cewhileIwaitf
or
mydat
e.

“Hell
opr et
tylady,
”Iturnedar
ounddyingtoseethe
facethatbelongedthisveryf
amil
iaryetst
range
voicethatjustspoke.“MayIj
oinyou?”heasked.
Whati nthewor l
d?!?!
?!

“
It
’sr
ealr
ight
?”Igotup.

“
Allofi
t,
”heconf
ir
med.

“
AndMzi…thedat
eever
ythi
ngwasforthi
s?”Iam
t
ryi
ngsohardtor
emaincal
m.Thelastti
methis
manshowedupoutofnowher
eIpassedout.

Hetookst eadyandcarefulstepst
owardsme,when
hewascl oseenough;hewentdownonbot hknees.
“Iwoul
dliket oapol
ogizetoyou.Ivowedtoprot
ect
youbutinsteadIhurtyou,”Icover
edmymout h
whenIfel
ttearsvisi
ti
ngmyeyes.“It
ookyout oa
ver
ydarkplace,aplaceIworkedsohar
dt opullyou
outof
.I’
m herenow, onmykneesbeggingforyour
mercymyqueen.Pl easet
akemeback…Iloveyou
somuchandIf ixedmyself
…Igothel
p,”

“Pl
easehugme, ”myvoi cewasthinandshaky.He
i
mmedi at
elystoodandhel dme.“Thankyou,for
comingbacktome.Igothel ptooandI ’
m bett
er
now,”hecuppedmyf aceinhi
shandsandki ssed
myf or
ehead.“
I’vebeenseeingatherapi
standI
missedyouever yday…I’
m sosor
ry”

“
Hey”heembracedmeagai
n,ti
ghtert
hist
ime.
“
Stopt
hat,
youdidnot
hingwrong,
”

LikhakhaandIhuggedf oraf ewmor emi nutes.We

j
ustst oodthereburiedi
neachot her
’sarms, not
talki
ng,justi
nhali
ngandhol dingoneanot her.Aft
er
ourstandingcuddlingsessi
on, weenjoyedt henight
.
Weat eandcaughtup.I tfel
tli
keIwast alkingt omy
Li
khakhaagai n,wewerelaughingandgossiping
andplanninghowwear egoingtomakeourcome
back.Becausebabe,ifyouthinkweweregoi ngto
gi
veupourt hronethateasi
lythenyouthought
wrongsweet y.

Mzipickedusupwhenwewer edonewithourdat
e,
whichwentperf
ect
lywell
.Anditseemstheyal
l
knewaboutthi
sdatebutme.Reall
y,whyam I
alwaysthel
astper
sontoknowaboutthi
ngs?

“
So,
youal
lknewaboutt
his?
”–Me

“
Theyal
lknewaboutit
;wecreat
edagr oupon
what
sAppabout2daysago!
”Likhakharesponded.

“
Youar
eal
lunbel
ievabl
e!”Icr
iedi
ndi
sbel
ief
.

“
EvenMo’
knowsI
’
m back.Ical
ledhi
m…”Baby
announced.

“Ineedtovisitt
hatone.Ihaven’
tspokentohimi n
weeks,”Isaid.I
’m al
it
tl
eashamed.Monwabi sii
s
practi
cal
lymyboyf ri
endandIhaven’tcheckedup
onhimi nawhi l
e.

“Hedidaskoneofthedaysifyouwer
eignor
ing
him?”saysPal
esa,
“Itol
dhimt ogi
veyousome
spaceandheunderst
ood,”

“
Mypoorboy,
”Ipout
edmymout
h.

“Okay,gang.Here’
sthegamepl an,
”Likhakha
announced.“Theking,
”hekissedmycheek, “And
thequeenar eback!
”thehousebrokeintoajoyous
chatt
er.“Idon’
twanttowasteanymor etime.My
babyandIneedt ogobackt othethrone,
”
“
Yes!
”Mandl
athr
ewaf
isti
ntheai
r.

“
Tomorr
ow!”hedeclared.“Buhl
eandIdeci
dedt o
t
akeawalktotheroyalhouseandIneedallofyou
t
oposti
tonallyoursocialmediapl
atf
orms,”

“
Wal
k?”Khanyaquest
ioned.

“Yes,”Ir
esponded.“Wewi l
lwal
k.Lettheenti
re
kingdom seeusfir
sthand.Witht
heirownnaked
eyes.Someonewi l
lobviousl
yti
pthepr essandour
comebackwi llbebig.
”

“
Whatar
eyougoi
ngt
osayt
othepr
ess?
”askedMzi
.

“Nothi
ng!”Li
khakhasays.“Wewi llj
ustwal
ktothe
palacehandinhand…justforpeopletoseet
hatI
am notdeadandBuhlei ssti
llst
anding”
“
Thatsoundsl
ikeapl
an”sai
dMandl
a.

“Ineedyouboystobeourguards.Idon’
treal
lyt
rust
anyonerightnow…”
-LI
khakha

“
Yougoti
tBaby,
”-Mzi

Thiswasal lLikhakha’
sidea.Heactual
lywantedt
o
waitunti
lnextweekbutIt hought,whynot
tomorrow.Ididn’tseethereasontowasteti
me.It
soundedl i
keasol idpl
anandt her
ewasnoneedt o
procr
astinate.Wear ecomingbackbaby!
*
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
*
*
***
***
***
***
It’
stoday.MyhusbandandIar emakingourcome
backinjustlessthananhourandt here’
sal
readya
crowdout si
detheyardwaiti
ngpatientl
ytoseeifwe
willr
eall
yemer ge.Mostl
y,peoplewanttosee
Likhakha.Theyallknowhimt obedead,suddenly
theyhearhehasr isenfr
om thedead!Whowoul dn’t
wanttoseethat
?Somepeoplewereal
legi
ngt hat
thi
sisal
lastuntIpl
annedl
ooki
ngforatt
enti
on.
Thesepeopl
ehavenoideawhat’
sabouttohitthem.

Thissit
uationhastaughtmet hatpeopl ej
ustgo
withthewind.Theydon’ tst
andupf orwhatt hey
beli
evein.Onemi nut
et heyloveyouandt henext
theyhateyou.I’
velearnttostopwant i
ngtopl ease
peoplebecausenomat terwhatIdo,theywill
alwaystalkandfi
ndsomet hi
ngwr ongwi t
h
absolut
elyanythi
ng.Justcont i
nuedoi ngyou,stay
onyourlane.Berealtoyouandyour s.

“I
t’
sti
me,”announcedMzipeeki
ngthr
ought hedoor
.
Li
khakhaandImadeourwayt otheli
ving-
room
wherewefoundtherestoft
hefamil
y.

“
BoDal
indyebo!
”Mandl
ahai
ledus.

“
Dal
indyebo!
”ther
estoft
hef
ami
lyj
oinedhi
m.They
allknel
tdownbef oreusl ikesubj
ectswouldtotheir
ruler
s.I
’vealwaysf ounditawkwar dwhenanyofmy
familymember shai l
edmeorbowedbef or
emebut
ri
ghtnow;If eelnot hingbutmypowercomi ngback.
IknowIam r eadyt ofacet hi
snewchapt er
.Iam
readyforthecont inuationofourreign.Theri
ghtf
ul
kingandhi squeenar ebackandever yonethathad
ahandi nouror deali sabouttopay.

“Beforewel eave,”Pal esasai d.Shel ooksgor geous

bytheway.“ Canwej ustsayal itt
lepr ayer,
”It hi
nk
weal ldeemedi tf i
tt osayal ittl
epr ayerfort oday.
Weal lheldhandsandofcour sePast orPal esa
prayedf orus.“DearGod;west andher etodayasa
fami l
y.Fir
stl
y,wewantt ot hankyou, forkeepi ngus
all
.Thr oughever ythingwef acedyoust il
lkeptus
united.Asyoursonanddaught erar eaboutt o
embar kont hisjour ney–weaskf orfavourand
guidance.Gobef oret hem andaf t
ert hem.I nJesus’
Might yname, ”
“
Amen,
”weal
lsangi
nuni
son.

Her
ewego!

[
01/05,14:02] :IDON’
TKNOW HOW I
’
M GOI
NG
TOWI N,IJUSTKNOW I’
M NOTGOI
NGTOLOSE.–
Gokham Saki

ENTRY87

Ther e’
ssomet hingaboutbei ngdownt hatgi vesone
strength,massi vest rength,str
engthbeyondt hei
r
ownunder standi ng.Whenyour iseup, your iseupa
beastandst andyourgr ound.That ’
sthest rengt hI
feelrightnowwal ki
ngoutt hedoor ,hand-in-hand
withmyhusbandandourf amilybehindus.Ican
alsoseet hatst r
engt hexudi ngthroughLi khakha
andj ustfi
ll
ingmeupwi thconf i
dence.Mzamo
openedthedoorandleadt
heway.Befor
ehecould
openthegate;hel
ookedbackatusandasked,

“
Your
eady?
”

“Openi tup,
”sai dLikhakha.Thegat esl i
dopen.Her e
we’ r
ego.MziandMzamousher edusout ,movi ng
thepeopl eoutoft heway.Thepeopl e’ sreact i
ont o
seeinguswasbeyondme.Somewer eevencr ying
calli
ngoutt heirking’
sname.Wewal keddownt he
street,hand- i
n-handpar adingourselvest oour
peopl e.Thesoundofscr eams,cries, singingand
ululatingcreatedabeaut i
fulcacophonyt hatjust
madeyouwantt osmi l
einstant
ly.WhenIl ookedt o
mysi de, IsawVuyo’ smom.Shel ookedatmeand
thengavemear eassuri
ngnodandaf aintsmi le.I
feltLikhakha’shandl et
ti
nggoofmi ne, soIt urned
myat tenti
onovert ohim;hehadal ittl
eboyr est i
ng
onhi sshoul der .

“
Who’
sthel
it
tl
eguy?
”Il
eanedi
nandasked.
“He’
sbeenholdi
ngmyhandt heent
ireti
me,”we
smil
edateachother
.Mybrother
smadesur ethat
noreport
erget
snearus.Wejustwantedthem t
o
captur
ethismomentandnotbombarduswi t
h
questi
ons.

“
We’r
enear
ingthepal
ace?”Isai
d.If
eelmyanxi
ety
t
aki
ngover
.Li
khakhaglancedatme.

“
Youar
esobeaut
if
ul,
”hesays.Ismi
led.

“
Nottheti
me,
”It
uckedmyar
mint
ohi
sandl
ooked
f
orward.

Thisdayi sstar
ti
ngoutt obenothinglikeI’
d
expected.Forsuretheroyalf
ami l
yi snotexpecting
toseet hei
rson,li
kemostpeopl e–I ’
m suret hey
thoughtthiswasast untIwaspul l
ingforattenti
on.
ButI’
m sur eourpict
uresareallovertheinternetby
now,whicht heymusthaveseen.Her ewear e.
outsi
dethegat esofthepal
ace.Wedidn’tevenhave
toknock,itseemedt heywereexpecti
ngus.Hi s
enti
refami l
ywasst andingoutsi
dewaiti
ngf orus.
Wouldyoul ookatt hatnow,Li
khakha’
spar entsar
e
wearingther oyalbeadsandli
onskin.

“Nyana!”(
son)hismom couldn’
thol
dher
sel
f;her
emotionsgotthebet
terofher.

“Ndim mama”( I
tsmemom, )Likhakhafel
ltohi
s
kneesrightbef
orehispar entspulli
ngmedownwi t
h
him.Ireall
ydonotunder standwhyhewoul dkneel
befor
et hem af
terever
ythingt heydidtome.

“Mydaught er,
”hismom brushedmyf ace.Whatthe
hel
lishappeningher e?Il
ookedatLikhakhaandhe
squeezedmyhand.Thehandsqueezecoul dmean
oneoffourt hi
ngs;1.ILOVEYOU2.I ’
M OKAY3.
IT’
SOKAY4.BENI CE,thelat
tertwoseem r
ather
appropri
atesol etmejustgowi t
hhisfl
owher e.
“Mama, t
ata”(Mom, dad)hesays.“Iandmywi fe,
thereigningkingandqueenoft hi
skingdom have
retur
ned,”hisfatherl
etouthi
shand, which
Likhakhahel dontoandgotup, hel
pingmest and
withtheot her.

“Welcomehome, son,”hesai dhuggi nghim.the

enti
ret i
me, Li
khakha’
sl efthandwashol di
ngmi ne
andt hatgaveasenseofsecur i
ty.“Let’
sgoinside
andt al
k,”heinsi
sted.Thismanr eekedofgui l
t.He
can’tevenbeexci t
edt hathissoni snotdeadaf ter
al
l.Theyi nvit
edusinsideandweaccept edthe
i
nvitati
on.Wewai tedint helivi
ng-room whilethey
walkedupanddown, i
nandout ,pant i
ngand
panicking.MziandMandl aar ewaitingoutsi
de.
Mzamoi sinherewithuspaci ngupanddownand
l
ooki ngouteverywindow.

“
Bhut
i,
”Ical
ledhi
m andhegavemehisat
tent
ion.
“
Doyouknowsomet hi
ngwedon’
t?Si
tdown!”
“I
’m yourbodyguar dnow,notyourbrother
.Iwould
neverbeabl etolivewit
hmysel fi
fanythi
ng
happenedt oyouguys…t hesepeoplewerekil
li
ng
oneanot herforthatchai
rwhoknowswhatt hey
mightdot oyout wo,”hesays.Inodded,hedoes
haveapoi nt,t
hesepeopleareanimals.Theyare
greedyandsel fi
sh.Mandlawalkedin;

“
They’
rer
eadyf
oryou,
”

MyhusbandandIhel dhandsandmar cheddownt o

thethroner oom.Ther e’
sabondt hatLikhakhaandI
sharethatIwoul dnevert radeforanythingint hi
s
wor l
d.It’
sbeyondt hi
st hroneandt heani malskin,
i
t’sbeyondt hepowerandf ameandi t’
sunbr eakabl
e.
ThismanandIhavebeent hr
oughhel landback
together.Somet i
meswepul l
edeachot heroutof
hellandsomet i
meswewer eeachot her’
shellbut
wewer ealsoeachot her’
sheaven.That ’
swhyIam
soconf identthati
fthingsgosout handwenever
evergett
ositont
hatthr
one–likhakhawil
lbehur
t,
yes-butevent
ual
lyhewil
lbefi
nebecausehewill
havemeandIwi l
lal
waysbethereforhi
m.

Wewal kedi nandeveryoneatpr esentstood–

excepthi sparents–whoar eseat edonthet hrone,
onourseat s.Theyhaver eservedseatsfor
LikhakhaandIr i
ghtwher etheyusedt osit.Thisis
goingtobever yawkwar dbecauseIknowmy
husband, hewant sthebigchai rs.Wecameher eto
getourt hronebackandt hatiswhatweshal ldo
Likhakhagl ancedoveratt hetwoempt yseat sand
thenhiseyest r
avel
ledandr estedonhi sfather,

“Nisi
hlel
i,
”(Youar
eonourseats)hesai
dsoft
ly.Oh!
Ilovemyhusband.Aninaudi
blechat
terbr
okeout
behindus.

“
Son,
”hecl
ear
edhi
sthr
oat
.
“
Iam t
herei
gni
ngki
ng,fat
her…”het
urnedar
ound
f
aci
ngtheel
der
s.“
Isthatnotsomyelder
s?”

“
Kunj
aloNkosiyam,”(I
tissomyki
ng,
)amemberof
t
hecounci
lresponded

“Mama,t
ata…pl
easeki
ndl
yexcuseus.
”Li
khakha
sai
deversogentl
y.
Hismot hergotupfirst,
gr abbedherhusbandbythe
arm anddraggedhi mt otheirseat
sallocat
eddown
therewiththeothers.Li
khakhaandIascendedt he
throneandt henaloudul ulat
ionbrokeout.

“I
’m home.”Hel ookedatme,“Mamawesi zwe,
pleasesit
,”Iobeyed.“Aft
ermyfuneral,
itdidn’
ttake
youasecondt ohumi l
iat
emywif eanddragherout
l
ikeshewasnot hing.Youhumil
iateher
,you
humi l
iat
eme, ”

“
Wehadt
oputsomeoneel
seont
het
hrone,
”hi
s
mom i
nter
ject
ed.

“Mama!”hi
svoi
cewasst
ernandbol
d.“
Iam
speaki
ngnow”

“
Myki
ng,
”shebowedherheadi
nshame.

“Yout hinkIdon’ tknowt hatsomeonei nheret ri

ed
tokil
lme, father!
”hisfatherjumped.OhIl ovet hi
s.
“Myki ngdom i sf al
li
ngapar tbecauseofal lofyou!
Myf ami l
y!Eldersandcounci lmember s,
”Ihave
nevereverbeensoashamedt obeyourki ng, ”Ican
tel
lthathewant stoshoutandcussatever yonei n
herebuthehast okeepi tcool.Idon’tcareabout
keepingi tcool ,
Icandoi tonhi sbehalf.I’
vebeen
degradedsomuchsot hatIdon’treal
lycar ewhat
anyonesaysnow.I ’
vegotnot hi
ngt olose.“You
havenoshamet ata,youanduncl eElibanzihaveno
shame.Youcoul ddoanyt hingyouwantwi ththis
stupidt hrone,”hekickedhischai routofanger , “
But
mywi fe!”hegotl ouder.Hisvoicewaspi ercing
thr
oughmyear s.“
Howdareyout ouchherwit
hyour
fi
lt
hyhands,allofyou,
”Igotup,grabbedhi
shand
andsqueezed.Hewasl osi
ngitandhecan’taff
ord
tolosei
tri
ghtnow.

“Go, Igotitf
rom here,”Iwhisperedi nt
ohi sear.He
mar chedt owardstheexi tandever ystephet ook
thuddedl ouderont hefloor.Iwaiteduntilhewas
outandt henIlookedatt heelders.
Isi
ghedsof
tl
y.

“Myel ders,”Iexaminedt heroom.Inmyhead, I

alwayspi cturedLikhakhacalmi ngmedown.Al lI
everwant edt osayt othesepeopleis,‘
FUCKALLOF
YOU’ nowt hetableshavet ur
ned.Ihadtocal m
LikhakhadownandnowI ’
mleftherewiththem and
theyar eallwai t
ingonmet ospeak.Tosay
somet hingqueenl yandsophi sti
cat
edbutal lt
hat’s
i
nmyheadi s‘FUCKOFALLOFYOU’ .Youknow
whatscr ewi t
!“Myelders,for
givemebutf uck
you…fuckal lofyou,
”
“
Nobuhl
e!”Li
khakha’
sfat
hergotupwi
thr
agehel
d
i
nhi
sgaze.

“That’
sNdl ovukazif oryouandf uckyou.Youar eall
abunchofol dshi ts…yoursoni sdisappointedin
youandhehasever yrighttobe.Youal lfuckedup,
especiall
yyou, tata,”Il
ookedatLi kakha’sfather
.“I
knowyouar eexpect i
ngmet osaysomet hi
ngwise,
youknow, somet hingyoucanhol dont o.Howver y
unfortunate,atthispointallIhaveisf uckallof
you…justtaket hatf ornow.You’vef uckedupbi g
ti
me, excuseme”Idescendedf r
om t hethroneand
elegantl
ywal kedout .

IfoundLi
khakhastandi
ngoutsi
dewit
hmybr ot
her
s.
Icantel
lheisst
il
lfuming;hi
sbl
azerandt
ieareof
f.

“
Youokay?
”Iaskedappr
oachi
ngt
hem.
“I’
mf i
nemylove,”heplantedasoftki
ssonmyl ips.
“Areyouokay?”Inodded.Ireachedinforanot
her
kissandthensighedloudl
y.“Whatdidyousayto
them?”heasked.Ohshi t
!HowdoIt ellt
hekingI
toldhi
sfamilyf
uckt hem?

“Youknow…hmm,
thebasi
cs…”Ipl
ayedwi
thmy
eari
ng.

“
Whatar
et hebasi
cs?”Likhakhaasked.Il
ookedat
MzamoandMzamogavemet hat‘
I
’m ont
oyou
l
ook’
soIlookedatt
hef l
oor,
“Just,
theusualroyalpal
acethi
ngs…”It
ookhi
s
blazer
,“Let
’sgetyoudressedupbabe…”

“
Buhl
e,
”Mzamocal
led.Igavehi
m myat
tent
ion,

“Mylove,
whathappenedi
nther
e?”Li
khakha
cuppedmyfacewithbot
hhands.
“
Okay,f
ine!Isai
dfuckallofyouandt
oldt
hem t
hey
f
uckedup,”Isqui
ntedeyesinshame.

“
Youwhat
?”Mzicr
ied.

“Yeah!I’
m sorry…Iwascal mthough.I
’m sorr
y
babe…”Likhakhagi ggled.“
Areyoumad? !?I’
m
sorry,
”Shitf
uck!Whatwast hinki
ng?That’sri
ghtI
wasn’tthi
nking.Likhakhakissedmeandsai d,

“
Fuck,
Iloveyou”heki
ssedmeagai
n.

“
What
’shappeni
ngher
e?”Mandl
aasked.

“
Idon’
tknow…”Isai
d

“
Yoursi
sterj
ustmademyday,
that
’swhat
’s
happening…”Likhakhai slaughinghyster
icall
y.“She
tol
dmyf amil
yfuckt hem, ”hebentdownandr ested
hishandsonhi skneesandl aughedevenhar der.
“Onlyshecandot hat…Iloveyoursist
erguys, don’t
everdoubtthat,
”mybr othersstar
tedlaughingtoo.I
wantwhat evertheytookwhi leIwasinside.Infact;I
needit.

“
Wai
t,baby,
you’
renotmadatme?
”Iasked.

“Areyoukiddi
ngme?No!Icoul
dn’tbe
prouder…t
hosest
uckupmotherf
uckersneededt
o
hearthat,
”

Hecalledhi
sfamil
ymother
fucker
s.Excel
lent
,
ever
ythingi
sgoinggr
eati
fyouaskme.

Eventuall
ywerejoi
nedtheelders.Li
khakhat
old
them thatwewouldbebackt omorrowandthatalot
wasaboutt ochange.Isuspectsomepeoplewil
lbe
removedf
rom t
hei
rpositi
onsandnewpeoplewil
l
assumenewposit
ions.Thi
sisindeedanewdawn.
Wewal kedbackhomeaspl anned.Ourcrowdand
j
our nalist
swer esti
llwaiti
ngout sidethepalaceasif
theyknewwewer egoi ngt owalkback.Njabulois
tooki nd,Godblesshi shear t
.Hewentandbought
drinksandpassedt hem outt oeveryone–i ncl
uding
ther eporter
sthatsai dshitaboutme, butanyway…I
canover l
ookthat.Likhakhasqueezedmyhandand
Ilookedathi m.

“
I’
m pr
oudofyou,
”hewi
nked.

“
I’
m pr
oudofyout
oo,
Baby”hesmi
rkedandl
ooked
f
orwar
d.
Befor eclosingt
hegat e;wewavedandsmi l
edfor
thecamer as.Li
khakhat ookpi ctureswithabunch
ofki ds,carr
iedsomeandpr omi sedsomesoccer
balls.Itwasabeaut i
fulthingt owat ch.Oncewe
closedt hedoor,weallsi ghedl oudly.Ii
mmediatel
y
tookof fmyshoesandj ewel ryandt hr
ewmyt i
red
bodyont
hecouch.Sodi
dKhanyaandPal
esa.

“
Itseemswe’
vel
ostt
hegi
rl
s,
”sai
dNj
abul
o.

“
Buhl
e,Idon’
tunder
standhowyoucanspendthe
whol
edayrunni
ngaroundinheel
s,
”cr
iedPal
esa.

“Idon’
tunder
standmysel
f,
”Isai
d.“
Myf
eetar
e
kil
li
ngme…”

“
I’
m hungr
y,”Khanyawhi
ned.

“Youknowwhat ?”Njabul
ojumpedtohisfeet
.
“Mandlasthandwasam, l
et’
sgototownandget
somethingtoeat.Thesegi
rl
sarenotcooking
toni
ght…”

“
Ihat
etosayi
t,butyouar
eri
ght
,”Mandl
afol
lowed
Nj
abul
o.

By22: 00thehousewassi lentanddar k.Itseems

wewer ealltootiredt ohaveourbondi ngsessi on,
weal lwentt obedr i
ghtaf tersupper.Itwas
awkwar dsayi nggoodni ghttoLikhakha, aft
erhaving
suchanawesomedaybuthest il
linsi
stson
sl
eepi ngsepar ately.AndI ’m surei
tsuckedeven
moref orhim.Imi ghtr egretthi
s–butt henagai n–I
mightnot .Itiptoedt ot heguestbedr oom wher e
Li
khakhai ssleeping.Iknockedt wiceand
waited…he’ sprobabl yasleep.JustasIwasgi ving
up,heopened.

“Hellobabe,
”hesaid.“Youokay? ”heasked.Ist
ood
onmyt oesandkissedhi m.Ihavetoadmit,I
’
m
scared.Thelastt
imet hingsdidn’
tgosowel l
.It
ook
offmyni ght
dressandt henwenti nf
oranotherkiss.
Heshutt hedoorandt henpickedmeup.Hewal ked
tothebedandgent lyl
aidmedownonmyback.He
kissedmeeversopassi onat
elyandgentl
y.He
st
opped,l
ookedatmeandsaid,“
You’r
escar
ed,
”I
nodded.“
Icanst
op.Wecanjustcuddl
eand…”

“No,
”Igrabbedhi st-
shir
tandpul l
edhim cl
oser
.I
endedupt akingoffhi
st-shirt
.Wehavetoget
thr
oughthi sphase.Idon’
twantt obescaredofhi
m
whenwe’r ehavingsex.LikhakhaandIhavethe
mostincrediblesexandIr ef
usetoleti
tbecomea
minef
iel
d.

“Buhle,
Idon’
twantyoutofeell
ike…”f
uckt
hisguy.I
rol
ledoverput
ti
nghim onhisbackandmeont opof
him.

“
Yout
alkt
oomuch,
Igott
his…”

Hechuckl
ed,
“Yesma’
am.
”

[
01/
05,
14:
02] :HOW BEAUTI
FULTHESI
LENT
HOUR,WHENMORNI NGANDEVENINGTHUSSIT
TOGETHER,HANDI
NHAND, BENEATHTHE
STARLESSSKYOFMI DNI
GHT!–Henr
yWadswor
th
Longf
ell
ow

ENTRY88

Thedar kestt imeoft heni ghtismi dni

ght ,
thatisat
00:00.Thi si sthepointhal fwaybet weenduskand
dawnorsunsetandsunr i
se.So, whenitgetsr eal
ly
dar k,
ther e’sboundt obel ightsoon.Iwas
ponder ingovert hisrightar ound00:00thismor ni
ng
andi tjustmadeper fectsense;wheni tseemsl i
ke
thingsar er eallyhard, don’tgiveupbecauset hat’
s
whenabr eakt hroughi saboutt ocomet hrough.I
evengoogl ed,“Wheni stheni ghtatit
’sdarkest”.
Likhakhawaspassedoutbesi demesnor ing.Ican’t
remembert helasttimehesl eptsopeacef ull
y,he
evenhadsmi l
esher eandt her e.Hemanagedt o
makehi msel fcomf ortableonmychestbutr i
ght
nowIneedt opee.Hel ookssopeacef ulandIj ust
don’
twantt
odi
stur
bhi
m.I
’
llj
ustwai
tforhi
mto
wakeup.

“
KnockKnock!
”someonesangout
side.

“Comei n,
”Isai
daslowl
yasIpossi
blycan.I
t’
s
Palesa.Shepouted.
“
Whati
sit
?”Imout
hed.

Shepoi
ntedatLi
khakha,
“Hel
ookssopeacef
ul,
”

“
Pal
esa,pl
easedon’
tcr
y.Iam beggi
ngyou!
”I
whi
sper
ed.

“I’
m sorr
y,i
t’
sjust
…”t r
ustPal
esat oclimbont he
bedandmakeher sel
fcomfort
able.“Hehasbeen
throughsomuchandhedeser vesthis,butsadl
yI
havet owakehim up.i
t’
sbreakfastt
imeandt he
kingdom needsbothofyou,
”shegent lyplacedher
pal
eyel
lowhandonhi
sback.“
Baby,
”shesays.

Isthi
sladybeingser
iousr
ightnow?Shesqueezed
hisshoulder
.
“Yes,
myl ove,
”Li
khakhasaysi
nthemi
ddl
eof
yawningandchewing.

Sheshr
ieked.“
It
’st
imef
orbr
eakf
astsweet
y,”

“Babe,Iwasdr eami
ngaboutt heamazi ngsexwe
hadlastnight…”Pal
esa’seyespoppedouti nshock.
Youknowwhat ?Iwon’tevenstophi m,Pal
esais
gett
ingexactlywhatshedeserves.“Babe,youwere
amazingf uck!Youworemeout …wher edidyou
l
earntomoveyourwai stl
ikethat?
”heyawned.“ I
’m
thehappiestmanaliveri
ghtnow…heycanwehave
aquickiebeforeweleaveforbreakfast
,”heli
ft
edup
hisheadandopenedhi seyes.Lowandbehol dhi
s
eyesgazeduponPal esa.
“
Goodmor
ning!
”sai
dPal
esa.

“Hmm…hisi sPal
esa…”hesatupst
rai
ght
.“Di
dyou
hearever
ythingI
…”

“Youneedt ot
eachmehowyoumoveyourwaist
girl
;Ineedtot
rythatonyourbr
other
!”she
requested.

“Idon’twanttoknowwhatyouplanondoi ngtomy
brother,”mymentalgavemeaverycleari
mageof
herridingmybrotherli
keIwasLi
khakhalastnight
.

“Iwil
lgoandbrushmyteet
handt
hen…nevercome
out”hemarchedtot
hebathr
oom.

Ihadtoki
ckPalesaout–shejustwouldn’tst
op
aski
ngquest
ionsandI’
m dueforaquickie.Aft
er
shut
ti
ngthedoor,Ir
antothebathr
oom, Ili
ter
all
y
ran.Ifoundhi
minf
rontoft
hemi
rr
ormoi
stur
izi
ng
hisface.

“Hey,”Ihuggedhimfrom behind.Het
urnedar
ound
andki ssedme.“Yousmellnice,
”Isai
dinthemiddl
e
ofkissing.

“Yousmel ll
ikelastnight,
”hepickedmeupand
placedmebesi dethesi nk.ThankGodIdidn’
tgi
ve
upl astni
ght.If
eel l
ikewear ebackwhereweused
tobe.

“Ouch!babe.
..
begent
le”Icr
iedget
ti
ngahol dofhi
s
hand.Hesqueezedmyboobt oohard.IguessI
spoketoosoon.

“I
’m sor
ry,
I’
m sor
ry.I’
l
lstop…”hesaidrest
inghi
s
headonmyshoul derbreat
hingheavi
ly.
“
Baby,
lookatme,
”Icuppedhi
sfacei
nmyhands.

“
Ipr
omi
seyou,
I’
mfi
nebabe…I
’
mfi
xed,
”

“Li
khakha,
stopi
t!i
t’
saprocess…don’
tbet
oohar
d
onyoursel
f,
”Iki
ssedhi
sforehead.

“HowcanInotwhenIkeephur
ti
ngmywi
fe…”he
gri
maced.

“
Youdidn’
thurtmel
astni
ght
…di
dyoucel
ebr
ate
t
hat
?”Iasked.

“Ihateitwhenyou’r
eri
ght
,”hehuggedme.“
I’
m so
horny,”hewhisper
ed.

“Metoo,
”webot
hgiggledandthenhest
art
ed
ki
ssi
ngmyneck.If
elthishandgent
lymovi
ng
aroundmythighsandt
hent
ravel
ledi
nsi
demy
underwear
,Imoaned.

“Youtel
lmeifI
’m hurti
ngyou.I
’l
lstopalri
ght?”I
nodded.Hewentdeeperwithhismi ddl
efingerandI
moanedevenlouder.Withhi
mt akingthewheel,I
knowhe’sgoi
ngtot akemefar…Ijustneedtoletgo
andlethi
m dowhathedoesbestandt hatisme.
*
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
*
*
***
***
***
***
*
ONEWEEKLATER

LikhakhaandImovedbacki nt
ot hepalaceand
we’ vebeenadj usti
ngverywel l
.Wechangedaf ew
oft hestuffmember s.Wei nter
viewedt hem
our sel
ves,justtobeont hesafesi de.Likhakha
reallywantsmet obeinvolvedinal otineverything,
i
ncl udi
ngwhowor ksforus,whoi sallowedwher e
andwhoi sn’tall
owedwher e.Hope, thef ai
rski
nned
girlwit
hshor thairisnowourper sonalhelper,
likeI
waswhenIst art
edwor ki
ngher e.SisZuki swaist he
headofhousest uffandMar y,she’
sjustMary.My
husbandreall
ywant edtofir
eherbutIhadt obegon
herbehal
f;Ireal
lydon’tunderstandwhyIkeep
fi
ghti
ngforthisgir
l whenshe’sbeennot hi
ngbut
badnewsi nmyl i
fe?

Ri
ghtnow, I
’
minameet ingwit
hMbasaregar
ding
hi
sjobhere.Hedidbet
raymewhenmyhusband
di
ed,butt
hereisnodenyingheisver
ygoodatwhat
hedoes.

“
Youmayst
andMbasa,
”Isai
dandhest
oodup.

“
Myqueen!
”hi
seyesar
egl
uedt
othef
loor
.

“Lookatme…”Isai
dandheobeyed.“
Youdr
agged
meout ,
youbetr
ayedmeMbasa.Whatdi
dtheygi
ve
you?”
“
Idonotf
oll
owmyqueen,
”

“Howmuchdi
dtheypayyout
obet
rayme?
”howam
Isocal
mri
ghtnow?

“
IwasnotpayedNdl
ovukazi
…”

“
Soyousawi
tbestt
odomedi
rt
yli
ket
hat
,”

“Myqueen, ”hewentdownononeknee.“
Wi thal
l
duer espect,
andyouknowtheamountofloveand
respectIhaveforyou–but–Imustremindyou–
I’
ml oyaltothet
hrone,
”

“
Iwast
het
hrone!
”Isai
dst
ernl
y

“
No,t
het
hronest
il
lremainedandIwastol
dthat
mal
umei
sthenewki ng.Hewasweari
ngthebeads
ever
ythi
ng…mi
newast
oobeywhoeverwor
ethel
ion
ski
n”

“
Isee…”

“Iapol
ogi
zeifmyanswerisnotpl
easingtothe
queen’
searsbutt
hatistheoat
hItook,t
obel oyalt
o
thethr
oneandatthatt
imethethr
onepresented
malume,”

“
Atsomepoi
ntyouwi
llhavet
opi
cksi
desMbasa,
”

“I
’m ont
hesi
deoft
het
hrone,
myqueen”hel
ooked
atme,

“
So,
nowt
hatI
’
m her
e,what
’sgoi
ngt
ohappen?
”

“
Ishal
lpr
otectt
het
hronewi
thal
lthatIhave…Iwi
ll
dothesamefort
henextqueen,eveni
ftheyar
ea
hopel
esssi
mplet
onorimbecil
e,
”

“Il
ikeyouMbasa,”Isai
d.Hecurtseyed.“
AndIneed
yourightnextt
omeatal lt
imes…asoftoday,
assumeyourpositi
onasmyper sonaldri
verand
guard,”

“
Myqueen!
”

“Notonlythat,
youarenowof f i
cial
lytheheadof
securi
ty.I
tisyourjobtomakesur ethishouseis
securedatallt
imes.Ifyoufeelyouneedt ofir
eor
hir
esomeone, dosobutpr ovidedthatyourreasons
-whichyouwi l
lrunbymeormyhusband–ar e
val
id,areweclear?”

“
Mayenzekei
ntandoyakhoNdl
ovukazi
,
”(Letyour
wil
lbedonemyqueen)
“Thankyou,
youmayl eave,”hecur
tseyedandthen
headedfort
hedoor.“
Imi ssedyou,Nobuhle,
”he
saidwit
honefootoutthedoor.

“Whatacoi
nci
dence,
Imi
ssedmet
oo!
”hechuckl
ed
andexi
ted.
Myr elati
onshi pwithMbasahasal waysbeen
specialfrom dayone.Hewasl i
keabi g
brother/confidantsortofperson.Havinghim asmy
bodyguar djustfel
tli
kehavingMzi asmy
bodyguar dexcepthewasl essinmybusi nessand
l
essannoyi ng.HespokewhenIneededhi mtoand
heal waysseemedt oknowwhatt osay.AndI
under st
andandr especthispoint.Heisloyaltot
he
throne.

Iti
stimef orsupperandthefamil
yisgathered
aroundthedi nnert
ablewai
ti
ngt obeserved.There
wasusual lyaloudchatt
erandlaughteratthi
stabl
e,
butnowt hingshavechanged.Peopledon’ttr
ust
oneanotheranymor e.Ther
earenewst uffmember s,
newr ulesandl aws.Allmember softhefamilyhave
beenf r
om t hecouncilexceptforLikhakha’
spar ents.
Likhakhahasgi venmecont r
olofsomet hings,
whi chmeansal otofpeoplenowhavet oreportto
me;i ncludinghi sfat
her.Hedoesnothavean
advi sorasofyet ,he’
sbeenconsul t
ingmeal ot
mor et hanhedi dbeforeandal otofpeoplewithin
thef ami lyarenothappyaboutt hat
,buttheking’s
willshal lbedone.

“
Howwasyourday,
myl
ove?
”Ii
nqui
red

“I
twaspr oductive,Imetwi
thsomebusi
ness
part
nersandr eintr
oducedmysel
fasali
vingman.I
assuredthem thatIwasbackandwearebackin
business,
”

“
Noneoft
hem gaveyoupr
obl
ems?
”

Heshookhi
shead,
“theywer
eincr
edi
blyver
y
under
standi
ng,
itwassmoothsai
li
ng.
”Hepausedt
o
swall
ow,“Howdidi
tgowit
hyoutoday?”

“Mbasaisbacktobeingmydriverandbodyguar
d.”
Helookedatmewi t
hconcern.“Andheisnow
off
ici
all
ytheheadofsecur
it
y!”

“
Babe,
thever
ysameMbasa?
”

“Yes!Trustmei twasagoodi
dea.Hesaidhewas
l
oyaltot hethrone,
soIknowthatnomatterwhat
happens, aslongasweareonthatthr
one,hewould
diebeforewedo. ”

“
Hedr
aggedyouout
!”hepoi
ntedout
.

“
Thet
hronepr
esent
edyouruncl
e…”
“Whataboutt
heotherguar
ds?Youcoul
dn’
tfi
nd
anyoneyoutr
ust
ed?”heasked.

“
Itr
ustt
hem al
l,
butt
her
e’sonl
yoneMbasa,
my
l
ove”

Henodded,
“Itrustyou,
butIwi
llneedt
ohavea
wor
dwi t
hhim andhismen,”

“
Yourwi
shi
smycomm…”

“Myqueen!
”Mbasawal
kedi
ndi
stur
bingmemi
d-
sent
ence.

“
Yes”Igavehi
m myat
tent
ion.

“Ther
eisal
adyi
ntheli
ving-
room wi
thayoungboy,
shewantst
oseeyou,
”hesays.
“Thequeenisbusy…t
ellhert
ocomebackt omorr
ow
morning…”myhusbandspokeonmybehal f.Imade
apromisetohelpwomeni nt
hiskingdom and
queensareneveront
imeout,soletmeattendtoit
.

“Baby,l
etmeseeher…I
’
llbequi
ck!
”Ist
ood.“My
please,
excuseme,
”Ibr
oughtmypalmstogetheras
signofrespect
.

“
Letmecomewi t
hyou,
”Li
khakhafol
lowedme.
Mbasal
eadtheway.Whenwewalkedin,t
his
womangotup.

“
Likhakha,
”shesai
d.What
’shappeni
ngher
e?

“
Phel
okazi
…”Li
khakha’
seyeskepther
’si
npl
ace.

“
Youknoweachot
her
?”IgazedatLi
khakha,
who
wasgazedatt
hisl
ady.

“What
…hmmm”hestammer
ed.“
Whatareyoudoi
ng
her
e?”di
dhej
usti
gnor
emyquesti
on?

“Canwetal
k…inpr
ivat
e?”sheasked.Hmmm,
excuseme,whoareyou?whyareyouhere?and
whydoyouwanttospeaktomyhusbandi npri
vat
e?

“Hell
o…hey!”Ipull
edherat
tenti
ontomysel
fand
awayf r
om myhusbandwhoseemst obeunableto
stoplooki
ngather .“
Theguardsai
dyouwantedto
speaktomeandnotmyhusband…”Iemphasi zed
onthewor d‘husband’

“Idi
dn’tt
hinkhewasi n.Butit
’sokaylady…Iwi
llj
ust
speakwithLikhakha…”ther
ewasasuddenwaveof
unnecessaryatt
itudet
hatjusttookoverher
demeanor.
“Nobuhle,
letmedealwit
hthis…”Li
khakhasai
d
brushi
ngmyar m.Didhejustcal
lmebymyname?
hedid!Yes,hedi
d…okay!

“
Youwantmet
oleaveyou?
”

“
YesNobuhl
e,I
’
llbewi
thyouj
ustnow.
”

Hecall
edmebymynameagai n..
.again!Ilookedat
hi
m andthenlookedatherandthenl ookedbackat
hi
m.“Please,
”hebegged.Iwalkedoutl eavinghim
al
onewiththi
sPhelokazil
ady.Letmej ustseewhat
herpl
ayishere…

[01/
05,
14:02] :DOESMYSASSINESSUPSET
YOU?WHYAREYOUBESETWI THGLOOM?‘CAUSE
IWALKLIKEI’
VEGOTOILWELLSPUMPINGINMY
LIVI
NGROOM.–MayaAngelou.
 ENTRY89

Wehadsupperandf i
nishedwi thoutLi khakha.What
i
si tthatheandt hisladywer edi scussingt hatt ook
sol ong?Weevenhaddeser t–and–asyoucan
i
magi ne–Iwasn’ tateaseatal l.If oughttheur get o
ri
seupandgobackt ot heli
ving- room, butIchose
tocal m downandt r
ustmyhusband.Butmy
husband, thatIchoset otrust, l
ef t
.Iwast oldt hathe
wentoutwi t
hthel adyandt hechi ld.Hedi dn’ttell
meanyt hi
ng.Hej ustleftthepr emi sesl i
kean
unmar r
iedcommoner .Ont opoft hathewasn’ t
pickinghisphoneorr espondi ngt oanyofmyt exts.

Itookashowert ryi
ngtokillti
meandt ryi
ngtof i
ght
againstt
heugl ythoughtscreepi
nginslowly.After
thatIwentdownst ai
rstogetsomei cecream.Idi d
somepaperwor kandat22: 00Ideci
dedt orespond
tosomeemai ls.Hewal kedinlooki
nguntidy,i
sshirt
i
sout ,hi
sblazerisoffandhedoesn’ tl
ookpleased
atall
.Helookssoexhaust
ed.Igl
ancedathim,
obvi
ouslywait
ingforhi
mt osaysomethi
ng;Imean
I’
m nott
heonet hatwentMIA.

“I
’
m back”hedecl
ared.Hewalkedupt
omeand
pl
ant
edaki ssonmyf or
ehead.

“
Yousmel
l…notl
ikeyou”Isai
dlooki
ngupathi
m.

“
I…sweat
!I’
mreal
lyt
ir
ed…”hest
ammer
ed

“
Wherewereyou?
”thefactt
hathemademeaski
s
j
ustpi
ssi
ngmeoff.“Andwhowasthatl
ady?
”

“
Ist
hisani
nter
rogat
ionbabe?
”hegotdef
ensi
ve.

“
Hmm,
no…shoul
ditbe?
”
“
I’
mti
red…l
etmechange.
”Hewenti
ntot
hecl
oset
.

Iconti
nuedwi t
hmyemai ls.Ifthere’sonethingI ’
ve
l
earntinallmyyear soflivingist oknowwhent o
l
oseitandwhent ostaycal m butwoke.Myi nt
ui t
ion
i
stell
ingmet hatPhel okaziishi soldloverthathe
doesn’twantmet oknowabouti t.Mywor ryist hat;
wherevertheywentt oday, somet hinghappened.
Somet hi
ngIwillnotbepl easedwi th.Hejoinedme
i
nbed, didn’
tsayawor d,didn’tkissmegoodni ght.
Hethrewt heblanketoverhi sheadandsl ept.Okay.
*
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
*
*
***
***
***
***
Iwokeupver
year
lyt
hismorni
ng,
andwentf
oraj
og
wit
hMbasa.Wefi
nal
lycametoastop.

“Tel
lmesomet
hingMbasa?”Ipanted.“
Whydon’
t
youfol
lowmewithacarorsomething?
”

Hesatont
hesi
deoft
her
oad.“
Ineedt
okeepf
itt
oo
ma’
am.I
’
m abodyguar
dremember
”Inodded.

“
Okay,
Igotyou”

“
Issomet
hingt
hemat
ter
?”heasked.

“
No,
why?
”

“
Itseemsli
kesomet
hingisbother
ingyou,”dear
Mbasa:Youar
ethebestbodyguardanyonecanask
f
or.

“
Wher
edoIst
art
?”Isatdownnextt
ohi
m.

“I
fthere’
sanythingI’
velear
ntaboutyouisthatyou
alwayswin…soj ustdoyou,don’
tchange.Stayt
rue
towhoyouar e,”Mbasami ghthaveali
tt
leideaasto
whatisgoingon.
“
That
’swhatyout
oldmewhenwef
ir
stmet
,”

Wefinal
lymadeourwaybackt
othehouse.If
ound
Li
khakhadressi
ngup.

“
Goodmor
ning,
”Isai
d.

“
Wher
ewer
eyou?
”heasked.

“
Ist
hisanint
errogat
ion,
babe?
”Iechoedhi
swor
ds
f
rom l
astni
ght.

“
No!babe,
youusual
lyt
ellmewhenyou’
reout
j
oggi
ng…”

“
Justl
ikeyouusual
lyt
ellmewhenyouar
eleavi
ng
t
hepremises…”
“
Ist
hisaboutl
astni
ght
?”

“Don’tpl
aydumbwit
hme…”Istart
edt
aki
ngof
fmy
clot
hesgett
ingr
eadytoshower
.

“Okay,babe”het ookmyhandandpul ledmecloser,

“ifyouwantt ohaveaseri
ousconversationwit
hme
thendon’ttakeoffyourcl
othes…”heleanedinfora
kiss.Ibackedaway.

“
Yout
hinkt
hisi
saj
okeLi
khakha?
”

“
Nobuhl
e,youhavenot
hingt
oworr
yabout
…”I
wal
kedaway.“
Babe…”hecal
led

IfIhadnot
hingtoworr
yaboutt
henLikhakha
wouldn’
thaveactedt
hewayhedidlastni
ght.Then
hewouldhavetoldmeexact
lywher
ehewasand
whothatl
adywas.ThenIwouldn’tbei
nt hi
s
posi
ti
onwhereI
’m wonderi
ngandwor r
yingabout
myhusband’
sfai
thful
nesstowardsme.

LikhakhaandImadeourwaydownst air
st ohave
breakfastwit
htherestofthefami
ly.Thi
ngsar est
il
l
notentirel
ybacktonormal;youcanstil
lfeelt
he
tensionbetweentheseatsbutwekeepi tmoving.

“
Hmm,
Ndl
ovukazi
”cal
ledLi
khakha’
smom.

“
Yesmama…”

“
Pleasedon’
tfor
getaboutt
hewomen’
smeet
ing
t
odayatthechurch…”

“Theoneaboutthechurchuni
forms?”Iconf
ir
med.
Shenodded.“Jah,Ihavet
hatdowninmydi ary.I
willbebackbythenwecangot oget
her…”
“
Myqueen,
”shecur
tseyed.

“
Whatar
eyoudoi
ngbef
oret
hat
?”Li
khakhaasked
me.

“Alot…”Ihesi
tant
lyrespondedundermybr eat
h.I
don’twantthefamil
ytoknowwear efight
ing.

“
Wow,
”hemout
hed.Mar
ywal
kedi
n…

“
Nkosiyam,
”(Myki
ng)

“
Yes!
”Li
khakhar
eal
lydoesn’
tli
ket
hisgi
rl
.

“
Yoursonisher
e…”Phel
okaziwalkedi
nwit
hthe
l
it
tl
eboyshecamewithyest
erdayeveni
ng.
“
Hisson!
”someoneseat
edont
het
abl
eexcl
aimed.

“
Phel
okazi
,whatt
hef
ucki
sthi
s?”Li
khakhachar
ged
t
owar
dsher.

“I
’m sorr
y, Ij
ustwantedyoursont omeetther estof
hi
sf amilyandhisnewst epmommy, ”shelookedat
me.“ Pr
ince,that
’syournewmommy”shepoi nted
atme.Igotupandmett hem bythedoor.Itook
Li
khakha’ shandandwal kedoutwithhim.Thebest
pl
acet odealwi t
hthisi
si nourroom sothat’
swher e
Idraggedhi mto.

“
Babe,
li
sten…”hesai
d.

“
Whati
sshet
alki
ngabout
?”Ii
nqui
redcal
mly.

“
Iwasgoi
ngt
otel
lyouabouti
t…”
“
Him,
”Icor
rect
edhi
m

“
What
?”

“it
’snotit…it
’shim…hei syoursonandhei sa
per son.Him…”t hatpoorboydidn’tdoanything
wr ongsoIwi llnotholdanythi
ngagai nsthi
m andas
fort hatf
loozy.Shebestpr ayIfi
ndJesusbecause
thewayI ’
m goingtodealwi t
hheri sbeyondany
humanunder standing.“I
sshetell
ingt hetr
uth?”

“That’
swhatshetoldme…sweet heart
,itwaswhen
youandIhadbr okenup…shereallydi
dn’tmean
mucht ome,”l
ookatwhatguiltdoestoaper son?
Heisjustr
amblingonbeforemeandhei snot
tel
li
ngmeanythingtangi
ble.

“
Whathappenedl
astni
ght
?”
“Lastni
ght
?”Hegotcl
osersoItookastepback.My
eyesaregl
uedtohi
sandhiskeepdart
ingaround.

“Iwasshockedwhenshet oldme…Ijustwantedto
seehim somemor esoItookthem outforsupper
andthentookthem home,”heconf
essed.

“
Andt
henyouf
uckedher
?”Isay.

“No,
myl ove,
”hetr
iedt
otakemyhand,
Itook
anot
herstepback.

“Don’ttouchme, ”Ical mlysaid.“LastnightItold

youyousmel l
eddifferentandyousai ditwassweat .
I’
m notst upidLikhakha, whenIwaspassi ngbyher
downst ai
r s,
shehast hatscentt hatwasal loveryou
l
astni ght,
”het ookof fhisblazer,“NowIwi llask
againanddon’ twastemyf uckingt i
me…”
“
ComeonBuhl
e,
”

“Di
dyoufuckher?”myt
onegotl
ouderandshaper
.
Heshookhishead.

“Aft
erPr i
ncehadf al
lenasleep,shetr
iedtomakea
moveonme…sheki ssedme, butIpushedheraway.
Shef oughtme…Isweart oyouonyourf at
her
’s
grave…Ididn’
ttouchher!”

Itooktwogent l
estepsf orwar dandplantedmysel f
ri
ghtbeforehim.“fi
rstly;don’ttal
kaboutmyf at
her.
Secondly;yourgir
lf
riendandchi l
daredownst air
s
waiti
ngforyou…Ihavet hingsIneedtoat tendto,
”I
tookmyhandbag, l
aptopbagandcoatf orwheni t
getscoldandexited.

If
oundMbasar
eadywi
tht
hecarout
side.
“Buhl
e,
”Il
ookedbackandfoundLi
khakharunni
ng
aft
erme.Iwai
tedtohearwhathewantedt
osay.

“
Canwet
alkaboutt
hispl
ease?
”

“
Tal
kabouti
t?Youmeanl
ikewedi
dlastni
ght
?”

“
That
’snotf
air
,Nobuhl
e…”

“What’snotf ai
risyoushutti
ngmeoutandwhen
shi
thitsthef anyouexpectmet obet her
eandbe
understandingandhol dyourhandli
keagoodl i
tt
le
wif
e.What ’salsonotfairi
syoukeepingyourfamil
y
wait
ing…”Igoti ntothecarandlookedatMbasa.He
needst oclosethedoornowbutLi khakhaisi
nthe
way.

“
UxoloNkosi
yam,
”(Excusememyki
ng,
)sai
d
Mbasa
“
Giveusami
nut
eMbasa…”hesays.

“
Icannot
,shehasor
der
edmet
ocl
ose…”

“Jahwell
,Iam yourki
ngandyouobeyme…”hegot
bolder
,hi
sshouldersgotbr
oader
.

“No!
”Isai
d,“
Youdon’
tgett
odot
hat
!Movebef
ore
youmakeascene…”

“
Fine”hemovedasi
de,“
Iapol
ogi
zeMbasa…”he
wavedhispawsi
ntheair
.Mbasafi
nal
lycl
osedand
wetookoff
.

Thener vet
hismanhas!IwishIwasthatbrave.
Lastnighthemademef eell
ikeapr
ying,i
nsecure
andjealouswif
e.Heshutmeoutanddi dn’
ttel
lme
anythi
ng.Nowt hatt
het
ruthisout
,hesuddenly
want
st oplay‘
goodhusband’
.Nowhecansee
whenthingsar
enotfai
r…itmustbeni
ceyazi
?

“
Youhandledi
twell
…”sai
dMbasal
ooki
ngatmei
n
t
herear
viewmirr
or.

“
Thankyou.
”

“
Hey,you’
redoi
nggr
eat
.Thi
swhol
ebei
ngaqueen
t
hingsui
tsyou…”

“
OrI
’
mjustgoodatpr
etendi
ng…”

Hegi
ggl
ed.“
Ort
hat
!”

[
01/05,
14:03] :JUSTLI
KEMOONSANDLIKE
SUNS,WITHCERTAINTYOFTI
DES,
JUSTLI
KE
HOPESSPRI
NGI
NGHI
GH,
STI
LLIRI
SE.–Maya
Angel
ou

ENTRY90

Likhakhai smyr i
deordi ebutwhathedi dl astni ght
showedmeanot hersidet ohim.Ir ememberwhenI
Sizweki ssedme, itwaswhenLi khakhaandIhad
brokenup;It oldhim whenIsawhi m.If eltli
keI
owedhi mt hatmuchbecausehehadaspeci al
placeinmyhear tandi twoul dhavebr okenhi mt o
fi
ndoutf r
om someoneel se.It houghtitwasour
thingtonotkeepsecr etsf r
om oneanot her .I’
ve
beendr eadi nggoi nghome, Idon’tknowwhatt o
expect.Idon’ tknowwhet herPhelokaziandPr ice
arestil
lther e,Ihavenoi deahowhedeal twitht hem
today.Ihavenoi deahowhei sorwher ehei s, we
haven’tspokent oday.Hecal l
ednumer oust i
mes
butIdidn’thavet heener gytospeakt ohim.af t
er
thewomen’ smeet ingatchur ch,wedr oppedt he
Greatqueenmot heranduncl eEl i
banzi’
swi feback
athomeandt henIwenthome, myhome, Mzi’
s
house.Ididn’tevent el
lPal
esawhatwashappeni
ng;
Iknowsiswi lltel
lherhusbandandherhusbandwil
l
tel
lhi
sbr othersandt henhisbr
other
saregoi
ngto
for
getthatIloveLi khakhaandtr
ytokil
lhi
m.

Anyway, I’
m backathomenow, IcanseeLi khakha
i
sbackaswel l.Hiscari sher e;unl essheused
anothercar .AsIwasappr oachi ngt hemai n
entr
ance, Icoul dhearar guing.Idon’ thavetimef or
thi
s,Iwilljustgot omybedr oom, Idon’teventhinkI
wil
lhavesuppert oday.Iwal kedi nandj ustasIwas
abouttopassbyt hel i
ving-r
oom, IseeLikhakhaand
Phelokaziar guingont het opoft heirlungs.Poor
Pri
ncei sevencr ying.Myf ir
sti nst i
nctwast orush
tohisaid.

“Whatintheworl
di shappeningher
e?”Ir
ushedto
Pri
nce.“comeboy,”Iletoutmyhandforhi
mt ohol
d.
Histi
nylit
tl
ehandwasswal l
owedupbymi ne.
“
Buhl
e,canyoutakehim pl
ease?”sai
dLikhakha.I
t
ookPri
ncetotheki
tchentotryandcalm hi
m down.

“
Hey!I t
’sokay…”IbenddownsoIcoul dbeonhis
l
evel.Heissocut ethough,hi
smom mademeso
madt hatIneverevenlookedathi
m.“Wouldyou
l
ikesomei ce-cr
eam andcookies?
”Iasked.
Hi
sfacei
mmedi
atel
yli
tup,
hesmi
led.

“Yes,
pleasemommy,”hecal
ledmemommy.What
doIdoaboutthi
snow?Mbasawalkedi
n.

“Myqueen,
Icangetoneoft
hehel
per
stot
akecar
e
ofhi
m,”

“
It
’sokay,
Igoti
t…”

Idishedhi
m someicecream andcooki
esandthen
tookhimtomyr oom wi
thme.IlookedatPr
inceand
studiedhi sf
acewhi l
eheindulgedont heice-cream,
Iwast r
yingtol
ookf orLi
khakhaandi twasr eally
hardf ormet of
indhi m.It
hought ,
maybet heanger
i
scl oudingmyj udgementrightnowsol etmej ust
l
etthepoorboyenj oyhisi
ce-cream andcooki es.

“
Mommy, doyouhavegames?
”hel
ookedatme
wit
hthosei
nnocenteyes.

“Whatgamedoyouwanthoney?”Iasked.Thi
sboy
haswonmyheart,
IthoughtLi
khakhahadmyheart
butPri
nceher
eist
heone.

“Mydadlet’smepl ayTom,”Okay, heevencal l

shi m
dadnow.It ookmyphoneanddownl oadedTal king
Tom.Iknowhi mf rom Mo’,heisl
ikeaTal ki
ngTom
addict
.Hepl ayedwi t
hmyphoneunt ilhefellasleep.
Ichangedintomypj sandmademysel fcomf ortable
nexttoPri
nce.Li khakhareall
yneedst osortthis
si
tuati
onout ,Ineedclari
ty.Am Igoingtobepl ayi ng
stepmommyf r
om nowon?Whati shisplan?
I
tseemsIdozedof
f.

“Myl ove.
”Ipeel
edmyeyesopenandfound
Likhakhastandi
ngovermeandPri
nce.

“
Areyoudone?
”Isatupst
rai
ght
.

“
It
’st
imef
orhi
mtol
eavenow,
”hepi
ckedPr
inceup.

“
Becar
eful
,
”Isai
d.

“
Byemommy,
”sai
dPr
incei
nhi
ssl
eep.

“Byebaby…”Likhakhalookedatmeandsmi l
edbutI
didn’
treci
procat
et hesmile.I’
m st
il
lmadathim.
“Areyoutakingthem home? ”Iwanttoknowifmy
husbandisgoingt obekissedbyhisex-l
overagai
n.
“
No,
IaskedMbasa…i
t’
sti
mef
orsupper
.”

“
I’
m nothungr
y,”

Igotupandfixedthebedandalsowashedmyf ace.
Li
khakhacamebackandf oundmei nthebat
hroom
brushi
ngmyt eet
h.Hehuggedmef rom t
heback
andlookedatmeint hemi
rror
.

“Idon’
tli
kewhatyoudidtoday,
pleasedon’tl
eti
t
happenagain”hesaidhol
dingmet i
ght
er.Ibent
overthesinkandr
insedmymout h.

“
Whatwast
hat
?”Iasked.

“
Youdidn’
tpickupmycal
lsorr
espondt
omy
t
ext
s…”Ifacedhim
“
That
’swhatyoudi
dtomel
astni
ght
,”Il
ament
ed

“
Iwasi
nshockandconf
used…i
t’
sdi
ff
erent
,”

“
SowasI
!”myt
onegotaggr
essi
ve.

“Buhl
e,Ij
ustf
oundoutIhaveaki
dforChr
istsake!
”
hebackedaway.

“AndIjustf
oundoutmyhusbandhasason!
”Igot
closert
ohim,
“Sodon’ tyoudar eexpectanyt
hingfrom me,
especiall
yaf teryouwer enothonestwithmef rom
thestart.”Iwal kedout.Hefoll
owedme.Hegr abbed
myar m andpul l
edmet owardshimself
.“Whatare
youdoi ng? ”Ilookedatthehandt hatwasclawed
i
ntomyar m.
“Ij
ust
…canwepl
easet
alk,
”hesl
owl
yrel
easedmy
arm.

“
Isuggestyougodownst
air
sandhavesomet
hing
t
oeat,
”

“
Iwasn’
tgoi
ngt
o…”

“GoandeatLi
khakha…”het
ri
edt
oki
ssmyf
orehead
butIl
eanedback.

Basicall
y,thi
smani saskingmet ogetoverthefact
thathedidn’ttel
lmethiswhenhef oundoutabouti t
andt hefactthatPhel
okazitr
iedtokisshi
m?How
l
ongwashegoi ngtokeepthissecret
?Ibethewas
goingtopayhert oshutupandpr obablybuythem a
nicetownhousewi thaswi mmingpoolandjustlead
adoubl eli
fe.Fuckmenandt heirenti
tl
ementissues.
JustasIwasstart
ingt
of eelmybodypeel
ingaway
fr
om real
it
y;Li
khakhaj
oinedmei nbed.

“
Baby,
baby…pl
easewakeupmyl
ove,
”

“
Likhakha,whati
sitnow?Iam sosl
eepy,
”Icr
ied.I
movedt hebl
anketf
rom overmyhead.

“Lookatme, ”Iobeyed.“ I’
m sorryaboutear li
er…I’
m
sorryaboutPhel okaziandf orshutti
ngyouout !”he
kissedmyl i
ps.“Ijustspoket omywi ckedfather
andhemademeunder stand.I’
mr eallysor
ry
Nobuhl e,
”Ijuststaredathi m,thi
sst upidguy.
“Pleasesaysomet hing,pleasekissme, ”hekissed
myf orehead,“Pleasehol dme.Tel lmeyoul ove
me…l et’
sdowhatl oversdo…”Icoul dn’thel
pbut
giggle.

“I
t’
sokay…butyoufuckedmeupLi
khakha.AndI’m
notmadthatyouhaveachil
d,wewer
enott oget
her
then…I’
mj ustmadt hatyoudi dn’
ttellme
i
mmedi ately.Youmademef eelsoinsecureand
stupi
d.Canyoui magi nethesat i
sfacti
onyougave
thatgi
rl
…don’ tyouevercal lmeNobuhl einfr
ontof
yourexes,it’
seither‘
mywi fe’or‘babe,baby,
honey,
sweety,l
oveorwhat everticklesyourfancyalong
thoseli
nes;ar ewecl ear?
”

“
Yesma’am,
nowpl
easeki
ssmeandt
ellmeyou
l
oveme…”

“No,
youdon’
tdeservemyki ssesandmyl
over
ight
now,
”It
hrewtheblanketovermyhead.

“
Iguesst
hat
’sf
air
…Il
oveyout
hough,
”

Ihadadr eam andIknowwhatitmeans.Ican’t

bri
ngmysel ft
oment i
onitt
oLikhakha.It
exted
Vuyo’smom andaskedhert ocomeovertoday.I
thoughtIshouldbr
ingupthePrincet
opicandhear
whathehaspl
anned.

“
Baby,
”Ical
led.Hei
sint
hebat
hroom.

“
Yes!
”

“
Canwet
alkaboutPr
ince…”heappear
ed

“
WhataboutPr
ince?
”Iwal
kedupt
ohi
m.

“
Youhaven’
treal
lyt
oldmewhatyourpl
anis…Idon’
t
wantt
obeinthedarkher
e;I
’
m yourwif
e,”

“Okay,
”het ookmyhand, “comehere!
”heleanedin
andkissedme.“ I
’m sorr
yforthewayIhandledthi
s
matter
.Iwaswr ongf orshutt
ingyouout
,Ishoul
d
haverantoyout hemi nut
eIfoundout,
”hepaused,
“I
nfact,Inevershouldhaveaskedyoutoexcuseus
t
hatday…”

“Iunder
standbabe,andIfor
giveyou.Kissme…”he
obeyed.“Thankyou.Il
oveyou,”Icl
eanedthe
l
ipsti
ckstainsonhisli
ps.

“Met oosthandwasam,”(myl ove)“

butIhaveno
planasyet …Ir
eal
lydon’tknowwhatt odo.So,
ifyou
don’tmind,canyoupleasesitdownwi t
hmeand
her”

“
Phel
okazi
??!
”Ir
ecoi
ledi
ndi
sgust
.

“Iknowshe’ sthelastpersonyou’dwantt obei na

room with,butpleasedoi tf
ormeandmyson…”he
cuppedmyf aceinhishandsandsmi l
ed.Het ook
mebackt obeforewedat ed,whenwehadj ustmet;
hissmi l
ewasmyweaknessandi tst
il
lis.Whenhe
smileshiseyesjustlightupandIsweart hereis
nothingonewoul dn’tdoatthesightofthatper fect
genui
nesmi le.Hi
ssmilemakesmesmile…“
Come
onBuhle,Ievenbroughtt
hesmil
e,
”thi
ssmooth
cri
minal
.

“Fine!ButI’
m doi
ngthi
sforyou…”heki ssedmy
foreheadandwentbackintothebathroom wit
ha
ratherenthusi
ast
icandchari
smat i
cwal k.“
Youlook
nicebyt heway;Il
iket
hatsuit
!”Isaid.

“Thanksmyl ove…i
tsallforyou…”hesays.Ijoi
ned
himi nt
hebat hr
oom.Hei slookingathimselfi
nthe
mirrormakingsurehelooksneat .Li
khakhahas
beenal i
tt
lebitofaperfect
ioni
st,especi
all
ywhenit
camet ohisappearance.

“Al
loft
hisi
sforme,”Il
eanedagai
nstt
hedoor
anal
yzi
nghimfrom t
heback.

“
Ijustwant
edtoseduceyou…”het
ookafewsteps
t
owar dme.“
Isi
tworking?
”hesmir
ked.Hepl
anteda
sof
tki
ssonmyl
ips…

“Keepgoi
ng…”heplant
edanotheroneonmyneck
andthencamebacktomyl i
psandpl ant
edabig
wetone.“
Ohthatisdef
ini
tel
yworking…”Ist
art
ed
unfast
eni
nghisbel
t…

“
Thisi
spaybackf
orl
astni
ght
…Bye!I
t’
sbr
eakf
ast
t
ime”her
anout…

“
Areyouseri
ous?!
?!WhatdidIdol
astni
ght
?”he
t
ookhisphoneandwall
et.

“Youdidn’
twanttoki
ssmeandIwantedtodowhat
l
oversdo…”heheadedfort
hedoor
.“Youcan
servi
ceyoursel
f”

Myj awsli
ter
all
ydr
oppedtot
hefloor,“
Baby!”he
exi
tedleavi
ngmealoneandunservi
ced.Great!Just
gr
eat
…andt
hat
’smyhusband.
Imademywaydownstair
sforbr
eakf
ast
,Iwal
kedi
n
gr
eetedandt
ookaseatnextt
omyhusband.

“Ndlovukazi
,di
dyoumanagetoreachthespot
?”
Likhakhaaskedoutl
oud.Mycheekstur
nedred…

“
Whatspot
?”hi
sfat
herasked.

“Hmm, shewantedtoscratchacer t
ainspott
his
morning,Iwasn’
tabletohelpher…Ihadtorush
down.“From whatIhearit
’sdeep,veryver
ydeep..
”
Lordpleasemakehim stoptal
king,theent
ir
etime
hiseyesweregluedonme.

“Youknowwhi t
epeopl
ehavear epl
acementfor
everythi
ngthesedays,Ihavesomethi
ngIuseto
scratchfaranddeepspots…Icanbuyoneforyou,
”
saidoneoft heaunt
s.Inearl
ychokedonmyown
spit
.
“Hmm, youknowwhatant i
, It
hinkIknowwhatyou
aretal
kingabout.Iwilljustgetmyselfascrat
ching
toyandt henscr
atchal lmyver ydeeppartsmyself
whenmyhusbandi snotar ound,"Il
ookedathi
m
andpout edmischievously.

“Ascrat
chi
ngthi
ng…”hesai
d,excepthewasn’
t
smil
ingthi
sti
mebecauseheknowsexactl
ywhat
I’
mtalki
ngabout
.

“Yesmyki ng,t
heycomeindiff
erentsi
zesand
colour
s,”heli
ter
all
ychokedandstart
edcoughi
ng

“That’
strue,somearesl
ight
lyl
ongert
hanother
s…I
willj
ustbuyitforyout
odaymyqueen,Iwi
llbe
goingint
ot ownanyway”sai
dtheaunt
.

“
Greatthen!Getmethever
ylongest
..
.”Li
khakha
j
ustkeptcoughingandIwant
edtolaughmyl ungs
outbutIhadt
okeepi
ttoget
her
.

“
AreyouokayLi
khakha?
”hi
sauntasked.

“Eweanti…hmmm”(Yesaunt
)“Myel
der
spl
ease
excuseus,myqueen,
canIseeyouf
orami
nute
please…”hest
ood.

“
Justf
orami
nut
e?”It
eased.

“
Probabl
ylonger
…”

“
Likhakha,
youbot
hneedt
oeat
”sai
dhi
smom.

“Yesmom, wewi l
lbebackj ustnow..
.t
here’sa
thi
ng…andjah,
”Hegl ancedatme, “Buhle”he
walkedawayandIf oll
owedhi m.Wewenti nt oout
bedroom,t
hemi nuteIclosedthedoor;hepi nned
meagainsti
tandki
ssedmesohar dIcouldn’
teven
breat
he.“
Noscrat
chi
ngtoys!Icanscr at
chyour
deeppart
s”hesai
dandwentinf oritagai
n.

Ipausedt
ocat
chmybr
eat
h,“
Thenser
viceme…”I
sai
d.

Hepi
ckedmeupandwal kedtothebed.“
Yes
ma’
am”hebentoverandkissedmeevenhar
der
.

[
01/05,14:
03] :DIDYOUWANTTOSEEME
BROKEN?BOWEDHEADANDLOWEREDEYES?
SHOULDERSFALLINGDOWNLIKETEARDROPS,
WEAKENEDBYMYSOULFULCRI ES?-
Maya
Angel
ou

ENTRY91
NowthatI’
m goodandservi
cedIam readyt
oface
t
heday.Ihaveameetingwit
hVuyo’smom whoi s
wai
ti
ngformei nthet
hroneroom.ButIneedto
wal
kLikhakhaoutandwishhim agooddayfi
rst.

“
Vuyo’
smom i
sher
eforyou?
”heasked.

“
Yesmyl
ove,
Ihaven’
tseenheri
nawhi
le…”

“
Isever
ythi
ngf
ine…?
”heasked

“Fr
om whereI’
m st
andi
ngever
ythi
ngisfi
ne,
”I
smirkeddr
yingawayfr
om t
hetopi
cinquest
ion.

“From whereI ’
m standingever ythi
ngi
sfiner
!”he
winkedatmemi schievously.“
Hmm so, I
’l
lbeback
i
n2or3hour s,Phelokazishoul dbeher
ebyt hen…”I
sighedloudly.“Behave…pl easebabe…”hehopped
i
nt othecar.“Itr
ustyou, ”
Iwatchedhiscardri
vingoutoft
hegat
eandt hen
wenttoatt
endtoVuyo’ smom.Shefel
ltoherknees
assoonasIwal kedin.
“Mamawesi zwesam…wenaot hetha
kwenzeke…Ndlovukazientl
e…wenaOkhetheki
leyo”
(Motherofmynat i
on!Youwhospeaksandi t
happens!Beauti
fulqueen!Thechosenone)she
prai
sedmeandIcoul dn’
thelpbutsmil
e.

“
Mama,
”Ihel
pedherup,
“Unj
ani
?”(
Howar
eyou?
)

“I
’
m wellNdl
ovukazi
,andIsawt
hedr
eam t
oo”t
her
e
goesVuyo’
smom.

“Let’
sseat”Ileadhertotheordi
nar
yseat
s…but
beforeIcouldsit
,shepulledmeawayandI
staggered.“
Mama! ”Icri
ed.
“Upt her
e!”shepoi nt
edatt hethrone.“Youneedt o
alwayssi tt
here,that’
swher eyoubelong.That ’s
wher eyoudr awst r
ength.Wheneveryouar e
betweenar ockandahar dplace,si
tont hatchair
andspeakt ot hequeensbef oreyou,”Iobeyedher .I
ascendedupont hethroneandsatonmy
designatedchair.“Nowt heboy!”sheknel tbefore
me, “Yousawhi m playingagamewi thhi sfat
her’s
phone,”

“Yes!Ifi
gur
editwasbecausehetoldmethathe
Likhakhaal
lowedhi
mt oplayTom wit
hhi
sphone,
that’
swhyIhadthedream,”

“Andthen,i
nthisdr
eam theboygavehi sf athert
he
phone,whenthefatherappeareditwasn’ttheKing”
Inoddedagreei
ngwi thher.“
Ifthi
smat t
erisnot
rect
if
iedtheancest
orswi l
lnotbepleasedwi thyou”

“
WhatdoIdo?
”Iasked.
“Whatisri
ght.
..
thatboydoesn’tbel
ongher
e.Ican
smellhi
sblood…its’toodi
ff
erentandt
heancestor
s
donotrecogni
zei t,
”

“
Hewantst
omehaveameet
ingwi
thhi
m andt
he
mot
hert
oday,
”

“Youhavetotellhi
m myqueen…ot herwise, ei
sh…”
shestart
edshaking.“TheDalindyebor eignwi l
l
ceasetoexist
.Thethronewillbeinher i
tedby
forei
gnbloodandthislandwillparish…theboyyou
arecarr
yingwil
ltakeoverfr
om hi sf at
her ”shesays
withhereyesgluedtothefl
oor .

“What
?!?
!”Ij
umpedt
omyf
eet
,“Di
dyousay…di
d
you…whatboy?
”

“
Thereisnoot
herki
ngbetweenhi
m andhis
f
ather
…theboyyouarecar
ryi
ngi
sournextrul
erand
hisr
eignisblessedbytheancest
ors”shewal
ked
uptome, lai
dherhandsonmyt ummyandsai d,
“Dal
indyebo,yourwi
llshal
lbedone”

“
Mama…Ican’
tbe…”

Shewal kedoutchant ing,“Si

yabul
elaboDali
ndyebo
abahle…mat hongaamahl e…zi
nyanyaezi
khulu…”
(Wear egratefulbeautif
ulDali
ndyebos…beauti
ful
ancestors…ourgr eatancestor
s)
Sheleftmeshockedandpuzzled.HowcanIbe…did
Ihearcorrectl
y?I’
m pr
egnant
.Isl
owlysatback
downandt ouchedmystomach.Fi
rstofal
l….
noand
secondly…what?Mbasacamei n…

“
Isever
ythi
ngokaymyqueen?
”hei
nqui
red.

Inodded,“It
hinkso…”Igotupandmademyway
i
nsidethemai nhouse.Itookabott
leofwaterand
gul
pedi tdownimmedi at
ely.“
Ihopethat
’snottoo
muchwat erl
itt
lebaby”Ispoketothissupposed
chil
di nsidemyt ummy.Whatt hefuckam Idoi ng?
NowIf eelguilt
ybecauseIdi dn’
teat,t
hatmeanst he
babyi shungr y.Igrabbedapeach, washedi tand
startedeat i
ngitmer ci
lessl
y.OhGod, am Iabad
mot her .Wai t
…Idon’tevenknowi fI’
mr eall
y
pregnant .Hopewal kedinonmeponder ingand
worryi ngoversomet hingIhaveabsolutelyno
contr olover .

“Icanmakeyousomet
hingt
oeatNobuhl
e,
”she
says.

“Yespl
ease…makemebr ead,
toasti
tandeggsand
baconandcheeseandsausagejui
ce…ever
ythi
ng,
”

“
JesusNdl
ovukazi
,ar
eyoupr
egnant
?”If
roze.

“
What
?”
“
Youneveraskf
orsomuchf
ood”

“
Addmushr
oomst
oo…I
’
llbei
nmyr
oom,
”
“
Owk”

Il
efther
.

Ifeelbad!WhydoIf eelbad?Whydi dIj

ustaskfor
somuchf ood?Am Iabadmot her?OhGodno…I
can’tdothis…andIcannottel
lanyonebefor
eItel
l
Li
khakha.Myphonechi med,i
t’
sat extf
rom
Li
khakah;i tr
eads:

CHANGEOFPLANS,
I’
M ONMYWAY.I
’
M COMI
NG
WITHHER.

Ir
esponded:OKAY,
HURRY.
Iateandf inishedever ythingsi nglethingont hat
plat
eandt hengul peddownt heor angejuiceallat
once.Ikeptquest ioningi fthisisagoodt hingandi t
i
sagoodt hingbutIdon’ tknowwhyIcannotbr i
ng
myselftounder standt hat .Iam pr egnant,thi
sis
everythi
ngLi khakhawant edandi thappened
spontaneousl ylikeIhadwant ed.So, webot hwin.I
pacedupanddownput tingmyt houghti norder…I’
m
basicall
ypacki ngandunpacki ngmyt hought sri
ght
now, I
’m put t
ingt hem i nor der.Likhakhacal l
edand
i
mmedi atelypickedup.

“I
’MINTHELI
VINGROOM WI
THPHELOKAZI
”he
sai
d.

“
OKAY,
”Irandownst
air
sandi
ndeedf
oundhi
m
t
her
ewit
hher.
Hecamet
omeandhuggedme,
“love,
”

“
Hellobabe,
weneedt
otal
k”Isai
d.Heki
ssedmy
f
orehead.

“
Wewi ll
,l
et’
ssor
theroutf
ir
standt
henyouandI
wil
lhaveourownmeeti
ng,
”hesayspul
li
ngmeto
t
hecouch.

“
No, Li
khakhayoudon’tunder
stand.Weneedt
otal
k
r
ightnow…”Ipressedon

“Oh!Mywor d,l
ady.Thisisaboutmyson…st
op
tr
yingtopullhi
m awayf r
om thi
stal
k.I
tis
happening…”sheblur
tedout.

“Phel
okazi
,youwil
lnotspeaktomywifeli
kethat
…I
didnotseeyoubowingtoherwhenshewalkedin,
”
saidLi
khakhast
ernl
y.Thatsoundedbeaut
if
ulinmy
ears.“
Ifyourefuset
orespecthert
henIwi l
lhave
myguar dstakeyououtandyouwillnevercome
backhereagain…”

Shewentonherknees,“Mamawesi zwe”shesang.
Att
hispoi
ntIdon’
tcareaboutwhethershebowsor
not
,Ij
ustneedtoseeLikhakhapr
ivatel
y.

“
Myki
ng,
”Isai
d“Ineedt
oseeyoui
npr
ivat
epl
ease”

“Nobuhle,youneedt
ostopthisr
ightnow…st
op
nagging,Isai
dwewillt
alkaf
terwefini
shher
e…”

“Seeshe’
stryi
ngt
ogetyoutoabandonyourf
amil
y”
sheremarkedmaki
nghersel
fcomfor
tabl
eint
he
couch.Whoaskedhert
osIt?
“Phel
okazi!
”Li
khakhashout
ed.“Youbothneedto
bemat ur
e…weneedt ot
alkaboutPr
ince,myson”
“
Hei
snotyourson!
”Ibl
urt
edout

“
What
?”Li
khakhacr
ied.

“
Thi
sbi
tch!
”sai
dPhel
okazi
…

“Hol
don…whatareyoutalki
ngabout
?Howdoyou
knowthi
s?”heaskedt
akingoffhi
sblazer
.

“
Ihadadr
eam and…”

“
Adream Nobuhle…adream?”Inodded.“
Whatthe
f
uckisthi
s?”heshif
tedhiswei
ghttooneside.“
You
r
eal
lydon’
twantmysonher ethatbad?”

“No,
baby,i
t’
snotli
kethat
…youknowmeandIam
notl
iket
hat!
”thi
sisnotgoi
ngwell
.
“Bi
tchyouaresosel
fi
sh;mysoni
sthenextki
ng”
sai
dPhelokazi
.
“
Guar
d!”Li
khakhacal
ledout
.Oneoft
heguar
dsf
lew
i
n.

“
Myki
ng,
”

“
Takeherout
…infactt
akeherouttheyar
d.She’
l
l
f
indherwayhome…youwil
lnotinsul
tmywifeli
ke
t
hat!
”

“
Shei
slyi
ngt
oyou…”shepr
otest
ed,

“
Out
!”hel
oosenedhi
sti
e.

“
Ma’
am t
hiswaypl
ease…”Goodr
iddance.

“
Likhakhacanyouj
ustcal
m downandl
ist
ent
ome
pl
ease…”Ihel
dhi
shandbuthepul
ledaway.

“Youhadadr eam thatPr i

nceisn’
tmyson…when?
Thisaft
ernoonrightafterItol
dyouthatIhavea
meetingwithhismot her!
”

“
No,l
astnight
,Ij
ustwant
edt
oconsul
twi
thVuyo’
s
mom bef
oreItol
dyou.
”

Hescoffedmockingmeandt henpickedhisblazer
andheadedforthedoor
.“Pr
inceisjustalit
tl
e
boy…youdidn’
thavetobesoevil,
”Igrabbedhis
armtryi
ngtokeephiminthi
sr oom.Hepaused, “Let
mego”hedemanded.

“I’
m pregnantandit
’saboy,
”het
urnedaround
slowlyandf acedme.Ismil
edwi
thjoybecause
that’
sallheeverwanted.
“Youreal
lyareaself
ishbit
charen’tyou…”myeyes
grewwide.“Youarepregnantandit’
saboy.
Nobuhleareyouli
steni
ngt oyour
self…”

“Vuyo’smom t oldmeandIwashopi ngwewoul d

confi
rmi ttogether…”I’
mt ryi
ngsohar dtoover
look
thefactthathej ustcal
ledmeabi t
ch.“Whydon’t
youbel i
eveme?Vuyo’ smom conf i
rmedeveryt
hing.
Heshookhi sheadi ndisappoint
ment .

“
Ican’
tbel
ieveyou…”hepull
edhisarm awayand
wal
kedout
.“ Wher
e’sPhel
okazi
?”Iheardhim ask

Ithrewmyselfont hecouchandexhal ed.Vuyo’s

mom di dn’
tpreparemef orthi
spart.Ineedtocal m
downandt hinkaboutmysonnow.Ican’ tj
ustget
angryanyhow, Imightupsethim andIhaven’ t
exactl
ybeenagoodmot hertohi
m.Li khakha
walkedbackin, t
ookhiswal l
etandphoneandt hen
said,“
Iam goingtomeetwi thPhelokazi.Wewi ll
havethismeet i
ngregardingmyr ealsonwi t
hout
you”andt
henhel
eft
.

Vuyo’smom hasneverl i
edormadeami st
ake
aboutthethingssherecei
vesfrom thethedead
people.Herwordisalwaystrueandt hatgi
vesme
comfort.Ij
ustneedtodoapr operpregnancytest
andfindawayt ogettoPrini
ce’srealfat
her.Iwon’
t
fi
ghtwi t
hLikhakhaaboutthi
s.Ifeelitwon’
tbe
worthitwit
houtproof.
Thef oll
owingmor ning, Iwokeupwi t
haheavyhear t
.
Likhakhadidn’tsleepher elastnight…myonl y
prayeristhathesl epti ntheguestbedr oom orhe
bookedi nt
oahot elatl east .Butmyanxi eti
esar e
tell
ingmehesl eptatPhel okazi
’s.Anyway, Igot
mysel fcl
eanedupandf resh;si
scan’ taffordt obe
down.Iwentdownst airshopi ngthatIwoul dn’ tf
ind
himt herewit
ht hef ami l
ybuthewasn’ t
…Igr eet ed
andsatdown.It hinkt heycoul dallsenset he
tensionhencet heydi dn’tevenaskhi swher eabouts.
Ihaveameet i
ngwi tht hepr i
nci
palatmyf or mer
schoolagaintoday…wel lhesaidt hatthel ear ners
awant edmet ocome, t
heyhavesomet hingpl anned
formeandIalreadysai
dIwoul
dbet
her
e,I
’
dal
so
hatet
odisappointt
hem
.
Whenwedroveout,
Likhakha’
scarwasjustdr
ivi
ng
i
nsoIaskedMbasatost opandIranbacki
nsi
de.I
foundhi
mjustcomi
ngoft hecari
nthesame
clot
heshewasweari
nglastnight
.

“
Baby!
”Ical
led.“
Wher
ewer
eyou?
”

“Areyoust
il
lpr
egnant?
”heaskedmocki
ngl
y.I
almostwant
edtocry.

“Li
khakha,al
lyoueverwantedwastogetme
pregnant
!Andnowt hatIam youwantnot
hingt
odo
withme…”

“
It
’ssoconveni
entyaziNobuhl
e,Phel
okazir
ocksup
wit
hmyson, soyou’
refeel
ingt
hreat
enedandyou
ar
edoingj
ustanyt
hingt
osecur
eyourseati
nthe
bi
gtabl
e”hesays

“
Comewi
thmet
othedoct
ort
hen…pl
ease,
”Ibegged.
“Phel
okaziwil
lbemovingi
nwi t
hPrince.I
t’
s
temporar
yforherandhewillbehere
permanentl
y…don’
tcausebull
shi
t”herequest
ed
andthenwalkedaway.

“Likhakha,
”Icall
ed.Likhakhaisall
owingt hi
sbitch
tomani pul
ateandusehi m andhei ssogul l
ibl
eis
disgustsme.Wewer esupposedt odiscusssuch
thingstoget
her,asamar r
iedcouple.FUCK!Iam so
mad…Iam l i
teral
lyfuming.IknowPhel okaziwil
ltry
byal lmeanstogetinsideLikhakha’swall
etandof
cour sewhatweaponcansheusebesi desseducing
him?Ok, calm downBuhl e,weneedagamepl an.

[
01/
05,
14:
04] :DOESMYHAUGHTI
NESS
OFFENDYOU?DON’TYOUTAKEI
TAWFULHARD
CAUSE’
ILAUGHLIKEI’
VEGOTGOLDMI
NES
DI
GGIN’I
NMYOWNBACKYARD.–MayaAngel
ou

ENTRY92

Thingsar
ef uckedthissidehey?Youknowwhat ?I
didn’
tsi
gnupf orthis…thesestupidancestorsbett
er
fi
ndawayf orwar dbecauset heystar
tedthis.I
didn’
tst
artthi
s.Ididn’tsi
gnupf orthis.Al
lIever
wantedtobewasal awyer ,Iwantedtoli
vein
Durbanandmar r
yaZul uhunk;r emembert hatgr
eat
deadpeople?Remembert hat
?Butyouhadt o
chooseme, youhadt odr agmef rom anot
her
provi
nceandpl antmeher e.

WhatIwentt oschoolfortookmymi ndawayf r

om
mysituati
on.Theyhadawhol eli
ttl
eeventjustfor
me,theysang,recit
edpoems, dancedanddi da
sket
chaboutagi rlt
hatgrewupi nal it
tl
evil
lage
whot ur
nedoutt obeanangl ethatwouldrescueall
t
hekidsofthatvi
llage…andtheangelwasyours
t
rul
y.WhenIr eal
izedIwast heangel
;It
hought,
“I
woul
dgiveananyt hi
ngforanangelt
ocomet omy
r
escue”att
hispoi nteventhebi
gsnakewoulddo.

“
Mbasa,
Ihavet
otel
lyousomet
hing,
”Ibl
urt
edout
.

“
Whati
sit
?”

“
I’
m pregnant
,”Ineedt
ot el
lsomeone.Ican’
tcar
ry
t
hisburdenal
lbymyself.It
’stoomuch…

“
Myqueen,
ndi
vuyi
sananawe!
”(Ir
ejoi
cewi
thyou)
“
How?When?”

“Well
.Mbasa…I’
dimaginet
hesamewayyourwif
e
gotpregnant
;Ihandsexwi
thmyhusband,
”he
giggl
ed,“Asf
orwhen,Iam yett
ofi
ndout
,”
“
OhIcan’
twai
ttoseet
hel
it
tl
eguy!
”

“
Andi
tisaboy,
funnyenough!
”

“
Wel
ldoneNobuhl
e,youdi
dwel
l,
”

Isni
cker
ed.“
Thankyou,
”

“
Mzamo’
sof
fi
ce?
”heasked.

“
Yesi
r!
”Isang

Ineedsomeonebymysi deandMzamoi salways

mygo- toguy.Imost l
yneedhimtot
rackdown
Prince’
srealfat
herandIneedafamilymembert o
knowt hatIam pregnant
.Iwashopi
ngt hat
LikhakhaandIwoul dgot ot
hedoct
ortogetherbut
hei sbei
ngaj er
kr i
ghtnow,somybrotherwil
ldo.
“
Brot
her
”Iwal
kedinonhi
m andKhanyaki
ssi
ng,
“
ooooh,
Icanwai
t.Ar
eyouguysaboutt
ogeti
ton?”

“
Sist
er…”Mzamosang.

“
HeyBuhl
e,byeBuhl
e,
”shepi
ckedupherpur
se.

“Nobabe,
don’tleave.Buhl
ewi l
lleave…r
ightBuhl
e?
Comeback,l
et’skiss”hewhined.

“No,Ineedt
ogethomeanyway…”shehuggedme
beforeshel
eft
.

“Thanksalotsi
s,
”het
hrewhi
msel
fonhi
sfancy
offi
cechai
r.

“
Wer
eyouj
ustaboutt
ogetsomecooki
e?”Iasked
t
aki
ngaseatr
ighti
nfr
ontofhi
m

“Whatdoyouthink?Shewasaboutt ogiveitupand
youknowhowf ormalKhanyais.Doi
ngitt heoff
ice
wouldhavebeenasteptowardsunleashingher
wil
dside,
”

“
Ohbigbrot
her
!I’
m sor
ry”Ipout
edtoshowremorse.
“
Butwehavebi
ggerthi
ngstoworryabout
,”Mbasa
wal
kedi
n.

“Mzamo”heacknowl
edgedmybrot
her.Mzamo
thr
ewasalut
ehisway“Iwil
lbewai
ti
ngoutsi
det
he
off
ice,
”

“
It
’sokay,
youcanwaiti
nthecar.Thankyou
Mbasa”helef
tus.“
Bhut
i,I
’
m pregnant”Isai
d.he
l
eanedfor
ward.
“
Youar
epr
egnant
?Youhadsex?
”

“
WhatthefuckMzamo!I’vebeenhavi
ngsexsinceI
was19…”isi
tathingf
orpeopletoaskorsaystupi
d
t
hingswheninshockorsurpr
ised.

“Yeah!Ofcourse,Iknowthat.SoI’
m goingtobea
fat
heronceagai n…”hegotupandwal kedaround
t
het abl
e,“Comeher e”Ist
oodandgavehi m ahug.
Ohbutt her
e’smor ebrot
her,
don’tcel
ebratej
ustyet
.

“There’
smor e”hesatontheothervi
sit
or ’
sseat
.
“Longstoryshort
;afewdaysago;agi rlshowedup
withaboyclaimingit’
sLi
khakha’sson.Ihada
dream whichexplai
nedhewasn’tthefatherand
Vuyo’smom conf i
rmedthat
.Shet ol
dmeIwas
pregnant…”

“Waitwait
…slowdown.Youhaven’
ttakena
pregnancytest
?”
“No,
Iwashopingyou’
dcomewi t
hme.Li
khakha
can’
tevenl
ookatmerightnow.
”

“
Why?
”

“HethinksIam faki
ngt hepregnancybecauseof
Pri
nce, hethi
nksI’
mf eeli
ngthreatened…ohandthi
s
Phelokazigir
lwil
lbemovi nginandI ’
m supposedt
o
beokaywi ththatar
rangementaf t
ershekissed
him…”

“
Yho!There’
salot.Pri
ncei
stheboy?
”Inodded,
“
AndLikhakhacheatedonyou?”

“No,sheki
ssedhi
m buthebackedaway…sohe
says,
”

“
No!f
uckhi
m si
s…ki
ngornot
,hei
sst
il
lmessi
ng
wi
thmyl
it
tl
esi
ster
,”

“Bhuti
,Ineedyout ocalm downandthentr
ack
downt heboy’srealf
atheroranyonet
hatcanbri
ng
somesor tofclar
ityt
othis…andcanwegot ot
he
doctorpl
ease?”

“
Okay…l
et’
sgo”

Mzamoi sright,
there’
sal ot.I
t’
sst ar
ti
ngtoconfuse
met oo.ThefactthatLikhakhathinksI’
mf aki
nga
pregnancyjusttoprotectmyt i
tl
eisjustpatheti
c
anddisgusti
ng.Ithurt
smemor ethanI’mlett
ingon.

SoMzamomanagedt oconvincemetobuya
pregnancyt
estandjustdoitathi
soff
ice.Ijust
urinat
edon2stickssoI’
m curr
entl
ywatching
Mzamopaci ngupanddownwhi l
ewewai tfort
he
result
s.
“Mzamo,
Ipeedont
hest
icks.Notyou…”Ir
emi
nded
him.

“I
’
m sorr
ysis…I’
mtoonervous,”hi
sphonebeeped.
“I
t’
sti
me”Ididn’
twasteanothersecond.Igr
abbed
botht
hesti
cksandlooked.

“It
oldyou…”Isai
d.Iknewi
twast r
ue.Thesedead
Dali
ndyebopeopl
ehaveneverli
edtome.Even
t
hought hei
rwaysareunor
thodox,
Itr
ustthem.

“
Nowwhat
?”heasked.

“Now,Igobackhomeandshowmyhusband…and
thent
rytoprovethatPhel
okaziisj
ustusi
nghi
m.I
’
ll
buyanotherst
ickanddoitagainathome”

“
Iknowsomeone,
I’
llcal
lhi
mjustnow…”
“
ThankyouBhut
i”

MbasaandIwentoutforcoff
ee,Ineededtoki
ll
sometime.Iam r
eal
lynotl
ookingforwar
dtogoing
backhome.

“
Buhl
e,wehavet
ogobacknow.Ineedt
ogethome
t
omyfamil
y”

“
OhMbasa!”If
orgetMbasadoesn’
tbel
ongt
ome.
“
Areyouf
orsale?
”

Helaughedoutl
oud,
“No,
Idon’
tthi
nkmywi
fe
wouldall
owthat
,”

Mbasajustli
stens.Heiscal
m…hedoeswhathe
needstodo.Hemi ndshi
sownbusi
nessandhe
dri
vesaroundandbuyssnackswhenI’mfeel
ing
l
ow.Hef inal
lydrovemebackhomeandwenthome.
It
’swayaftersuppernow,I
’m sur
eever
ybodyis
aboutthei
rbusiness.Iwal
kedint
othel
ivi
ngroom
andfoundLikhakhaandhisfamily.

“
Hel
lo,
”Igr
eet
ed.Li
khakhapur
posel
ylookedaway.

“
Ndl
ovukazi
,
”Phel
okazigaveaper
funct
orybow.

“Hel
loPr i
nce,
”Pri
ncewaved,whichwasst r
ange
becausethisboycall
edme‘ mommy’ Iwouldthi
nk
he’
dbehappyt oseemeagain.“Comeandgi veme
ahug,”heshookhi sheadandthenlookedat
Phelokazi
.

“Prince,
goandhugmommymyboy.
”Sai
d
Likhakha.

“
No!
”hest
ernl
yref
used.
“That’
sokay!
”If
orcedasmi
le.“
Babe,
canIseeyou
please”

“
I’
m busy…I
’
llcomewhenI
’
m done”Inodded.

Iwentintoourroom andchangedint
oanightdress.
Itookthepregnancysti
ckthatIhadj
ustpeedon
andplaceditonhissideofthebedandwaitedf
or
hi
m.Icoul dfeelt
hatIwasfall
ingasl
eepsoIcal
led
hi
m.

“
PLEASECOMETOBED,
I’
M FALLI
NGASLEEP”

“
OKAY”hedr
oppedt
hecal
l.

Isatupst
rai
ghtsoIdon’
tfal
lasl
eepbef
orehe
comes.Andhef
inal
lyar
ri
ved.

“
Whati
sitt
hist
ime?
”heasked.

“Look!
”Ipoint
edatt
hest
ick.Hegli
dedovertohi
s
sideofthebedandt
henpickedupthest
ick.

“
Whati
sthi
s?”heasked.

“
apr
egnancyt
estshowi
ngt
hatIam pr
egnant
…”

“Buhl
e,I
…I…Ican’
tdot
his”hesatdown“
Wher
edi
d
yougetthi
s?”

“Iboughti
tandusedit
…Iam pr
egnantandIreall
y
don’twantt
odothisonmyown”myeyesst arted
tear
ing.
“
AndPr
incei
sst
il
lnotmyson?
”

“
Look,
ifyoudon’
tbel
ieveme,
doaDNAt
est
…”

“
Areyoul
ist
eni
ngt
oyour
sel
f?Hei
sjustaboy…”

“
Hei
snotyourboy!
”Isai
daggr
essi
vel
y.

“Andyouarenotpregnant!
”helookedatme,“Stop
beingsoevi
l,Buhl
e,i
t’
sembarrassing.Pr
ince
showsupandsuddenl yyouarepregnantandit
’sa
boy…baby,t
rysomethingel
se.
”

“
Howcanyouevensaysucht
hingsaboutme?
”

“I
’
m gonnagoandmakesur ePri
nceandPhelokazi
arecomfor
tabl
e”hegotup.Ir
anandstoodbefore
hi
m.
“Li
khakha…canyou…Vuyo’
smom toldmethis.You
havebeli
evedherbef
ore,whycan’
tyoubel
ieveher
now?”

“
Excuseme,
”hewal
kedr
ightpassedmeandout
t
hedoor.

Hedoesn’tevenbel i
evethepregnancytest
.What
doIdonow?Myhear thurts…i
thurt
ssobad.My
husbandisinanot herr
oom withhisex-
loverand
sonthather ef
usest obel
ieveisnothi
sandt hat
ki
ll
smei nside.I’
m notevensleepyanymore,just
heart
broken.Likhakhacameback…

“
Idon’
tthi
nkIcanputupwi
tht
hisanymor
e”Isai
d.

“
Thenst
opt
hisnonsenseBuhl
e,
”
“
I…”Ipausedwi
ll
ingt
het
ear
stost
aybehi
ndmy
eyes.Butt
hatwaswi
thoutavai
l.

“Ineedyout obeveryni
ceandaccommodatingt
o
ourguests.HelpPri
ncelookf
oraschooli
fyou
wanttobei nvol
ved…”

“Likhakha!”If
eltmybr eakingint
oami ll
ionli
ttl
e
pieces.TearsjustpouredoutandIcoul dn’thold
mysel f.Ir
antot hebathroom andlockedthedoor
behi ndme.Hedoesn’ tevencar eaboutmeorhowI
feel.Howcanhedot hi
st ome?t ous?Heknocked!I
openedhopi ngt hathehadcomet ohissenses.

“Ineedtouset hebat hr
oom”Isteppedout.Igoti
nto
andt hr
ewt heblanketovermyhead.Letmej ust
sleep.Ever
ythi
ngwi llworkoutandeventual
ly
Phelokaziwil
lbeexposed.Ican’tstr
essmyselftoo
muchbecauseI ’
m pregnantandthatmighthurtt
he
baby.
[
01/05,14:
04] :YOUMAYSHOOTMEWI TH
YOURWORDS, YOUMAYCUTMEWI THYOUR
EYES,YOUMAYKI LLMEWITHYOUR
HATEFULNESS, BUTSTI
LL,
LIKEAI
R, I
’
LLRISE–
MayaAngelou

ENTRY93

It’
sbeenaweeksi ncet hi
swhol ePhel okazithing
start
ed.LikhakhaandIar epr
act i
call
yr oommat es.
Speakingwi thhimi sl i
kespeakingt oawal l.Allhe
caresabouti sPr i
nceandPhel okazi,Ispendmost
ofmyf reetimeathome;Mzi ’
spl ace.Itreall
y
baffl
esmehowLi khakhadoesnotbel ievea
pregnancyt est.Het hinksIri
ggedi torsomet hing
andIam nott hatmal ici
ous.I
’vebeenbeggi nghi m
tocomet ot hedoct orwi t
hmesohecanseeIam
notlyi
ng,buthebel ievesIwillhaveobvi ouslypaid
thedoctorinadvance.Iguesswhenmyst omach
start
sprotrudingt hat’
swhenhe’ l
lbelieveme.
I’
mi nourr oom gettingr eadyt oleave, Ihavea
meet ingwi thmybr other s–ast owhatt hemeet i
ng
i
sr egar ding–Ihavenoi dea;al lIknowi st hati t’
s
aboutbusi ness.Iusual l
ysi tt hereandl ett hem
outvot emeonever ydeci sionandIdon’ treallycar e;
j
ustasl ongasIr eceiveapaycheckatt heendof
themont h.Okay, Idor espondt oemai l
sandmake
call
sont heirbehal ffrom t imet otime.Theonl y
reasont heyal lowedmet ohaveshar esinsomeof
theirbusi nesseswasbecauset heywant edmet o
haveal otofmoneyandsecondl y, Iagreedt obea
sil
entpar tner.Likhakhai sappar ent l
yfreet oday, he
saidhe’ dgoandhaveapi cnicwi t
hPr i
nceand
Phel okazi ,Itoldhim Iwasnotcomf ort
abl ewi t
ht hat
i
deaofhi m goi ngwi thPhel okaziandt hef actt hat
hehasbeenspendi ngsomucht imewi thher .He
obviousl yaccusedmeofbei nganevi l
st epmot her
andsai di twasal lforPr ince.Wef oughtabouti tfor
hour sunt i
lIgaveup, It oldhi mt of uckheri fhe
want ed, Idon’ tcareanymor e.
“Li
khakha,
”Ical
led.Helookedatme.“
I’
m goi
ng,
now…Iam tel
li
ngyouonceagai nt
hatIdonotl
ike
thefactt
hatyouarespendi…”

“
Nobuhl
e!”heshout
ed

“
Don’
trai
seyourvoi
ceatmel
iket
hat
…”Isai
dsof
tl
y.

“
Don’
tpat
roni
zeme…”

“
Okay,
Iam notdoi
ngt
his…”

“Okay!
”hecalmedhimself.“
IdidaDNAt estandI
am waiti
ngontheresul
ts.Ishoul
dbereceivi
ng
them i
nthenexthouror2…Iwanttoputanendt o
yourmadness,
”

“
Iwi
lll
it
eral
lyi
gnor
ethef
actt
hatyouj
usti
nsul
ted
mebecauset hat
’st
hefir
stnoblethi
ngthatcame
outofyourmouthsincethathar
lotwal
kedthrough
thosedoors,
”

“
That
’st
hemot
herofmyson…”

“
Heisnotyourson!
”Ipoi
ntedi
tout
.Hecl
ickedhi
s
t
ongue.

“Andwhenyoucomebackf rom whereveryouare

going,
Iwil
lbetakingyoutoadoctort oal
soputan
endtothatmadness…theresult
swillcomeback
andprovethatPr
inceismysonandt hedoctorwi
ll
tel
lusyouarenotpregnant,whenthathappens,I
needyoutopackyourt hi
ngsandleave”

“Didthosewor dsj
ustcomeoutofyourmouth?
Likhakhathi
sisme, yourwi
fe…whyareli
kethi
s?”
hisgazeheldnot r
aceofremorse,
guil
tor
compassion,itwasjustcol
d.It
ookmyt hi
ngsand
l
eft
.
Onmywayout
,Imadeadetourt
otheki
tchent
o
gr
ababot
tl
eofwat
erfort
heroad.

“Ndlovukazi,
”Phelokaziwal kedi
n.Forthepastt wo
weekorso;I ’
vebeendoi ngmyver ybesttoignore
her.I’
vebeenst ayingonmyl aneandkeepingaway
fr
om her s’
.IfearthatImi ghtnotbeabletofi
ghtt he
urgetolockmyhandsar oundherthroatand
squeezet heli
feoutofher .“
Myson’sfathertel
lsme
youar efaki
ngapr egnancy”

“
Likeyou’
ref
aki
ngason,
”

“Minei
sreal
…hei
sal
iveandhei
shi
sson,
my
queen”

“I
’vealwaysimaginedwhatit
’dbeliket
ostandi
n
fr
ontofyou, j
ustyouandI…withnoonearoundand
Ithought;nomatterwhatIwi
llki
llyouont
hespot.
Her ewear e…aloneandallIfeelisjustpit
y”Itook
sli
ghtandcar efulst
epsinherdi recti
on,“t
he
diff
er encebet weenmycast leandyour sisthat
your sismadeofsand, andi t
’sfake,mineis
real…it’
smadeofconcr ete.Soonert hanyouhad
planned, you’l
lbewat chi
ngyour stumbl i
ngdown
i
nt onot hi
ngandmi newillsti
llbestanding,soenj
oy
i
twhi l
eitlasts,”

“
Youdon’
tscar
emeNobuhl
e,
”

“
OhbutIdo,Phelokazi.Isawyoufli
nching…I
i
nti
midat
eyou,”Ifakedasmi le,
“Anyway;havefun
t
oday…”Isai
dwi t
hal i
velytoneandlef
therfrozen
i
nthekit
chen.

Ifi
nal
lyarr
ivedathomewher ewehaveour
meeti
ngsiftheydon’
tinvol
veotherpeopl
e.Only
thi
sti
mewe’ rehavi
ngthemeetingintheli
ving-
room
andnotinmyr oom.Thegirl
spreparedsnacksand
dri
nks…t
hisisfancy.
“Whateveri
tis,
itwi
llgobecauseIwi
llbeout
vot
ed.
”
Isai
d.

“
Oyeeofl
it
tl
efai
th,
”sai
dMzi chewi
ngonagr ape.
“
Mandl
awantstobri
nghisl
overint
obusi
ness…”

“
Whatbusi
ness?
”Iasked.

“
Alloft
hem?
”sai
dMandl
a.

“Butouragreementhasalwaysbeenfamily
only…what’
shappeningnow?”whatisMandl a
tr
yingtodo.“Thei
rwivesarenoteveninvol
ved.
Okay,makemeunder st
andhowyouwantust o
bri
nghimi n?”

“
Hewant
stobuysomeofourshar
es.AndNjabulo
i
saman,It
hinkbr
ingi
nghi
m won’
tbeanissue”
“Wehaveacont ractsignedbyal lf
ourus…itcl
ear
ly
stat
est hati
nallourbusi nesses;eachsi
bli
ngtakes
10%andt hefoundingsibli
ngoft hatpar
ti
cular
businesstakesther est,whatisthi
snow? ”

“YeahMandl
a…thatwasouragr
eement.Allf
ourof
ussatdownwit
hourlawyerandsi
gned,”

“
Ijustfeell
ikewe’
resi
del
ini
nghi
mli
kewedoyour
wives…”-
Mandla

“No,wearenotsidel
iningthem…theyknowt hei
r
placewhenitcomest oourbusinesses.Nj
abulo
j
ustneedstofindsomet hi
ngtodoi fhewants
to…butnowaysbr o!
”-
Mzamo

“
Comeonguys!He’
saman…”Mandl
apr
otest
ed.
Irai
sedmyhand, “Hmm. .
Likhakhaisal
soaman.
Justincaseyouforgot
…andhei snoti
nvolvedi
n
anyofthefamil
ycompani eswehaveest abli
shed,
”

“
Wecan’tletdownthatshi
eldf
orNjabul
obro…we
j
ustcan’
t,
it’
soursafet
y.Whereishenow?”
-Mzamo

“
Att
hecl
ub,
”-Mandl
a

“
Ithi
nkt
hevot
eiscl
ear
…it
’snothappeni
ngbaf
o…”
-
Mzamo

“
Fine…”
-Mandl
a

“Let
’sgoandgetsomet
hingt
oeat
,justt
hef
ourof
us?”Isuggest
ed
“
I’
m down,
”sai
dMzi
“
Wher
ear
ewegoi
ng?
”askedMandl
a

“
Canwedospur
…I’
m cr
avi
ngt
hei
rbar
bequesauce”
-
Me

“
Spuri
tis…”Mzamosai
djumpi
ngt
ohi
sfeet
.

“Wait…youguysarenotgoingt ofightmeonthis?
”I
asked.Mybr ot
hersneverwantt ogowher eIwant
togo…theyalwayswantt obuykasi fastf
oodsand
sadlymyDi orst
il
ettosandmat chingbagdonot
evergowi t
hthatkindofscene;thoughIalways
budgebecauseI ’
m alwaysoutvoted.

“Youarepregnant!
”sai
dMzi,“
Youdon’
tfighta
pregnantl
ady…justgi
vethehi
ppowhatshewants?
”

“Thehippo!
”Icri
ed,
“HippoMzi
…nochangeshave
star
tedtohappenyet”
“Trustme, wecanseeal lt
hechanges…”hegl i
ded
towardst hedoor ,hisbrotherfol
lowedhi m cackling.
Whyt hehel ldidIevensuggestt hisout
ingwhenI ’
m
goingtobei nsult
ed.Iknowhowmeanmybr others
are;Palesaneverr estedwhenshewaspr egnant,
theycalledheral lsort
sofi nsult
ingnamesl i
ke
RhinoandIl aughedal ongwi t
hthet hem.Howt he
tableshavet urned…nowi t
’smyt urnandlucki l
yf or
meIam notwi ththem 24/ 7…mar r
iagemighthave
j
ustsavedme.Myphoner i
ngs,i
t ’
smyhusband.

“
BUHLE,CANYOUCOMEHOME”hesai
dinaver
y
l
owtone.

“IAM BUSYRIGHTNOW…I
’
M WI
THMY
BROTHERS,”

“
ISAI
D,COMEHOME!
”hedr
oppedt
hecal
labr
upt
ly.
Iam sotemptedtogoandenj oymyselfr
ight
now…Likhakhadoesn’
tcallmelat
ely.Andnowon
thedayhedecidestocallmeheisrudeand
dismi
ssive!Thener
ve.Iquickl
ycal
ledMandla.

“IHAVETOCANCEL,
HUSBANDNEEDSMEHOME,
YOUBOYSGOANDENJOY…IPROMISETOMAKE
I
TUPTOYOU, ”

“
FUCKBABY…”

“HEY!THAT’
SMYHUSBANDYOUDUMMY…ILOVE
YOU.BYE!”

“
BYESI
S!”
“
Let
’sgobackt
othehaunt
edhouseMbasa…”

“
Asyouwi
shmyqueen…”

Uponourarri
val,
wef oundLikhakhastandi
ng
out
sidethegatewithDuke,hisbodyguard,
he
si
gnaledMbasat ostopthecarandhedi djustt
hat
.

“
Mbasa,taket
hedayoff
…we’l
luseDuke,
”Mbasa
l
ookedatmeandInodded.

“
Gotoyourwif
e…I
’
llsendyousomemoney,
please
t
akeherout
”

“
Mybeauti
fulqueen!
”hebowedhi
shead,“
Iwil
ldo
j
ustt
hat
.she’l
lbesohappy…”hei
mmediat
elydr
ove
of
f.

“
What
’shappeni
ng?
”Iasked.

“We’
regoi
ngt
othedoct
or…”hesai
dconcent
rat
ing
onhi
sphone.

“
Butyousai
dwhenIcomeback…Iwasgoingout
wit
hmybrot
her
s,peopl
ewhoactual
lypayat
tent
ion
t
ome,”

“Notnowpl ease…”hel ookedbackatt hegateand

shouted“Duke!What ’staki
ngsol ong…”f i
ne…I ’
m
gladwe’redoi ngt hi
s.Ican’twaittolookhimi nthe
eyewhent hedoct orconfir
msI ’
m pr egnant.Iwant
toaskifher eceivedt heresult
sback…butI ’l
lwait
forhi
mt oswal l
owhi spr i
deandt ellme;that’si
fhe
hasalreadyr eceivedthem.
*
***
***
***
***
***
****
****
***
*****
***
***
****
***
***
*****
*
***
***
***
***
***
**Hereweare;i
nthedoct
or’
soff
ice,
si
tti
ngi nsil
enceliketwost r
angersint
herecept
ion
area.Heisal i
ttl
eagi t
ated,t
here’
sevenavain
poppingouthi sforehead.Attheri
skofbei
ng
i
nsulted,Iasked.

“
Areyouokay?
”

“
I’
mfi
ne…”hesai
ddi
smi
ssi
vel
y.Okay…

WhatIlikeaboutt hiscurr
entsit
uat
ionishow
rel
axedIam…t hejokeiswillbeonhim.Theshame
wil
lbeonhi mf ornotbeli
evingmeandfor
neglect
inghisr ealf
ami l
y.Thedoct
orwalkedinal
l
j
oll
yandexci ted.

“Bant
wanabam…. ”(Mychi l
dren)hesatdown.His
greyhai
rissoneat lycombedandi tcompli
ments
hiswhit
ecoat .“
Ilearntyouwer et
hekingandqueen,
Ihadtohastenthepr ocess…”hesmi l
edandlooked
atuswhilef
lippingthroughsomepaper s,“
Of
cour
se,
Ihadt
opul
laf
ewf
avor
s…”hechuckl
ed.

“Si
yabul
elat
ata…t
hatmeansal
ot,
”(t
hankyou)I
smil
edback.

“Oh,i
t’
snotabigdealmydaught er
…it
’snot
ever
ydayIgettot
reatroyal
ti
es…Okay…”he
anal
yzedasheetofpaperbeforehim.“Her
eiswhat
Iam waslooki
ngfor
..
.Ihavegoodnewsandbad
news…”

“
Goodnewsf i
rst
”thisgrumpyhusbandofmi
ne
f
inal
lysai
dsomething,“
Isshepregnant
”

“Yesofcourse…canyounott ell
bytheglowi
nher
face…”Ismiled.Thisgr
ey-hai
redoldmanisthefi
rst
persontosayanyt hi
ngniceaboutmyappearance
sinceIfoundoutIwaspr egnant.Mybrot
her
sjust
call
edmeahi ppoforcr
yingoutloud.
“She’spregnant
…”hesatupst r
aightandlookedat
me.Heanal yzedmyf ace.Thi
sisthefir
stti
me
Likhakhahaslookedatmewi thpureeyedsinceI
toldhim Iwaspregnant.Hi
sgazeissoftand
remor sef
ul.

“Yes!That’
swhatIsai
dson,
yourbeaut
if
ulwi
fei
s
pregnant…”

“
Thebadnewspl
ease…”Isai
d.

“Don’tbeal
armed…yourbl
oodpr
essur
eist
oo
high…”

“
What…hmmm”hegott
ohi
sfeet
,“Whatcoul
dbe
t
hecause…”

“
Thefoodsheeats…st
ress.Looki
ngatherother
t
est
s…herdi
etispret
tydecentandIcantel
lthatshe
i
sanact i
vemommy, soatthispointIwoul
d
suggestshetakesiteasy…sherel
axesandjustdo
whatshelikes.Somet hi
ngthatkeepshercal
m.”He
l
ookedatme, “
Stayawayf r
om anythi
ngthatbr
ings
str
esstoyou…”

“
Iwi
llmakesur
eshei
snot
…”

“Youwi l
lmakesure!”Ii
nter
ruptedhi
m.“Doct
or,
thi
s
mani sthereasonformyst r
ess.Hewasaccusi
ng
meofl yi
ngaboutt hi
spregnancyandnowheis
goingtomakesur e…makesur ewhat
?”

“Doyoublamemet hough?Itwasal
ltoo
conveni
ent…”hepr
otested.

“
Iam yourwi
feyousonofbi
tch!
”

“
Iwi
llgi
veyout
wosomespace…”sai
dthedoct
or
r
ushi
ngf
ort
hedoor
.

“IknowandIam sor
ry…Iwassohappytohavea
sonthatmyjudgementwascl
ouded…”

“Gobackt
oyoursonandseehowl
ongt
hatl
ast
s…”
Ipi
ckedupmybag.

“Youwer
eright
!”heblur
ted.“
Youwerer
ight
,hei
s
notmyson.NobuhleIam sosor
ry…”

Ilookedathim andshookmyheadi n
disappointment,
“Iknewthattoo…shameonyou.I
hateyouf orthi
s…andIneverwantt oseeyou
again…”Itookmybagandst ormedof f
.Hef oll
owed
me.Idon’ tknowwhatthehellhewassayi ngtome
allIknewwast hatIneededtogetthef uckaway
fr
om hi m.Ihatehim wi
theverysinglepieceofme
ri
ghtnowandIdon’ twanttolookathim.Idon’t
evenknowwher eIam orwher eI
’m going.I’
venever
beent
othi
spl
ace.

“
Buhl
e,“
hegr
abbedmyar
m.“
Justl
ist
ent
ome”

“Li
keyoul i
stenedtomewhenIt
oldyout
heboy
wasn’tyours…li
keyoudi
dwhenIsai
dIwas
pregnant?
”

“Iadmi
t,Iwaswr
ong…butpl
easecalm down.The
baby…ourboymylove,
youhadthedoctor
”

“
TheonlyboyyouhaveisPr
ince,Iwil
lmakesur
e
t
hatyounevergett
oseemychild,”

“
Don’
tsaythat”hepul
ledmecl
osert
ryi
ngt
ohug
mebutIpul
ledaway.

“
Ifyoudon’
tleavemeal
one,
Iwi
llcr
yforhel
pri
ght
now…go!”Isaidwit
hathi
ckshakytone.“
Isai
dGo!
”
Ishout
edont hetopofmylungs…

“
Buhl
e…myl
ovel
ist
ent
ome…”

“
Hel
p!”Ishout
edunt
ilIgotl
ightheaded.

“Youarebleedi
ng…yournosei sbleeding…”and
i
ndeedIcoul dsmellbl
ood,Ifelti
ttri
ckli
ngoutmy
nose,“Hel
p!”Ij
ustkeptshouting.Icouldseepeopl
e
l
ookingatusconfusewhet hertocomeornot .A
securi
tyguardcamer unni
ngt omyai d.

“Ma’
am!”hecal
ledoutashewasr
unni
ngt
owar
ds
us.“
Areyouokay…”

“
It
’sf
ine!She’
smywi
fe…”
“I’
m nothi
swi f
e…”Mykneesst artedget t
ingwobbl y
andmybr eathingwasget t
ingheavy.Al lIcoul d
thi
nkaboutwasmychi ldandwhatt hedoct orjust
saidaboutmybl oodpr essureandst r
ess…Icl osed
myeyes.Buti nthatmoment ,Ithoughtcl osi
ngmy
eyeswouldhelpr elaxmesoIdon’ thurtt
he
baby…thelastthingIrememberi sseeingt he
securi
tyguardt r
yingtogetLikhakhaawayf rom me
andpeoplestaring.Lightsout.

[
01/05,14:
04] :DOESMYSEXINESSUPSETYOU?
DOESITCOMEASASURPRI SETHATIDANCE
LI
KEI’VEGOTDIAMONDSATTHEMEETI NGOFMY
THIGHS?–MayaAngelou

ENTRY94

Somet
imes.Iwantt
odisappearandneverr
eappear
.
Somet
imesIwishIneverexi
sted…andsometi
mes,
whent hingsgethardli
kenow, Ijustpr etendI ’
m
someoneel se;someonewi thdi f
fer entpr obl ems.
Beforethepowerandmoneycame, bef oreRhadebe,
beforemypar entsdi
ed;Iwashappy.Wedi dn’ thave
muchbutwehadeachot herandt hatkeptusgoi ng.
Somet imesIwishIwast hatl i
ttl
egi rlwhodepended
onmypar ent
sandbr ot
her sforever yl i
ttl
et hing, l
ike
getti
ngsomet hi
ngthat’
stoohi ghf ormet oor each.I
wishIcoul dgobacktobef oreIunder stoodt hings
andl i
feandpeople.Thatli
ttlegirlwasobl ivioust o
everythi
ngandt her
eforethingsdi dn’ tbot herher .

Thatlit
tl
egi r
lbel i
evedherfatherwasar eal
superheroandt hathewasal waysright.Hewas
i
ncapabl eoff ail
ureandbeingwr ong.Ibel i
evedmy
brother
swer esuper man,spider
man, batman…you
namet hem.Al lbecauseeverybodywasscar edof
them andt heycoul djumptot heverytopoft rees
withoutfear.Andt henIgrewup…Iwi shIhadt he
powert ogobacki ntime,I’
dgobackt obeingt hat
l
itt
legirl
.
Myheadisachi
ng…ohGod!Igr
oanedasIopened
myeyes.IsawMzamostandi
ngoverme.

“
HeyHi
ppo!
”hesmi
l
ed.

“
Thebaby…”myvoi
cecr
acked.

“
List
ent
ome…cal
m downokay.
”

“Mybabybhut i
,didIhurthim?”It
ri
edt
ositup
str
aightbutMzamopi nnedmebackdown.
“Mzamo”Icried.Ifel
tasqueezeonmyleg.WhenI
l
ookedoveritwasLi khakha.

“
I’
m her
emyl
ove,
”hesai
d.

“
Mzamo,i
sthebabyokay?
”Iasked,
“Pl
easet
ellme
mybabyi
ssti
llal
ive…”
“
Siswam…lookatme”(
mysi
ster
)hecuppedmy
f
aceinhi
shands.
“Buhl
e,breat
he…”saidLikhakha.Iam bl
ocki
nghim
onpurposerightnow,heisthereasonI’
m here.

“Li
stentome,”saidMzamosof tly,“Ineedyout o
calm downforme, I’
m here”Iclosedmyeyesand
l
istenedtomybr other’
svoice.Heknowswhathe’ s
doing,hewasconsci ouswhenIwasn’ t
.Igotcontrol
ofmybr eat
hingandcal medmysel fdown.“ The
doctorhasnottoldusanyt hi
ngyet …butIam sur e
everythi
ngi
sf i
ne,”helookedmest raighti
nt heeyes.
Inodded.

“
Youpr
omi
se…”

“Ipr
omise,
mysoni
nther
egr
owi
ngup…okay.
”I
nodded.
Thedoorswungopenpul
li
ngmyat
tent
iont
oit
.
“Whatthefuckhappened? ”Mandla,Mziandallt
heir
spousescamei nfl
ying.“Didyoudot hi
s?”Mandla
chargedforLikhakha.Likhakhabracedhimsel
fbut
Mziwasabl etostopMandl afrom st
art
ingwhat
couldhavebeent her easonwhywe’ dgetki
ckedout
ofthishospi
talandpossi blybanned.

“
Isuggestyoust
aythefuckoutofmymar ri
age
Mandla,
yesshe’
syoursist
er…butdon’
tfor
getI
marr
iedher,
”

“Boys,
thi
sisnottheri
ghtt
imenorpl
ace.Canyou
bothbehave…”Khanyasai
d.

“
I’
m sor
ry…”sai
dMandl
a.

Pal
esacameandheldmyhand.“
Areyouokay?
Whatdi
dthedoct
orsay?
”sheasked.
“Wear esti
llwai t
ingonhi m.”Mzamospoke.Ican
sensethet ensionint hisroom.Pal esaandKhanya
keeplookingatLi khakhaandpout i
ng.Mybrot
hers
aren’
tevenl ookingathi m.ImustsayIam ver y
proudofMzamo, thef actthathewasher ewit
hhim
andLikhakhai sst i
llali
veisami r
acleonit’
sown.
Heshoul dbeonhi skneesgi vi
ngt hankst
ohis
ancestor
s.Thedoct orwal kedinf oll
owedbyanurse.
It
’smygr ey-hairedoldman.

“
Doc!
”Likhakhaj
umpedt
ohi
sfeet
,andsodi
dmy
f
amil
y.

“
Canweallj
ustst
andbackwhi
let
henur
sedoesher
j
ob,
”hedemanded.

“
Pleaset
ellmemybabyi
sfi
ne…”sai
dLi
khakha…

“
It
’swhatIsai
dear
li
er…hi
ghbl
oodpr
essur
e.”He
l
ookedatLi khakha.“Ihearyouhadanar gument
outsi
de…son, i
fyouwantt oholdyourchildinyour
handsyoubet tert
hinkofotherwaysofr esolvi
ng
yourissueswithyourwi f
e”Likhakhanodded.

“
CanIgohome?
”Iasked.

“
Yes,Iwi
llpr
escri
bebedrestfornow.Idon’
twant
t
ogiveyoumedicati
onbecauseofthebaby…”

“Herhear
trat
eisgett
ingbacktonor
mal
…the
progr
essissl
ow,”sai
dthenurse,

“
Iwi
llr
estdoc,
Ipr
omi
se,
”

“Okay,
comebacknextweekforacheck-up,
”he
patt
edmyshoulder
.“Gohomeandr est
.Excuse
us…”helef
twi
ththenurse.
“LikhakhayouandIar efri
endsbutwheni tcomes
tomysi sterallofthatgoesdownt hef uckin’
drain…shet oldyoushewaspr egnantandyou
treatedherlikeshewasadesper ategirlt
ryingto
secur eherplaceont hethrone,
”Mzi fi
nall
yspoke.
“Theonl yreasonIhaven’tthrownaf i
stacr ossyour
bloodyf aceisbecauseshebeggedusnott o…”

“I
’m sorr
y…Ifuckedup!Idon’tknowwhathappened?
Iwassohappyt ohaveasont hatIjustdidn’
twant
anythi
ngt or
uinthat,
”Ihaven’tseenLikhakhathi
s
meeki nawhi l
e.

“Iam sodi
sappoi
ntedinyouLi
khakha,
Ijustcan’
t
evenlookatyou,
”sai
dPalesa.

“
Mzi
,l
etmef
uckhi
m up…r
ightnow”Mandl
asai
d…

“Noboy,”sai
dMzamo“Goandtakeaminute
out
side.IknowIwantt
ost
rangl
ehimtoo…butt
hat
won’
thel
pBuhl
e,
”Mandl
ast
ormedout
.

“
Baby,ndi
cel
auxolo…”(Pl
easefor
giveme)hetook
myhandbutIpul
leditawaygentl
yandclear
edmy
t
hroat
.

“Canwehaveaminuteplease…AndcanIget
somethi
ngfort
heheadacheplease.
..
”Ir
equest
ed

“
Alr
ight
,we’l
lberi
ghtout
side,
”sai
dMzamo.I
wai
tedfort
heroom t
oclear.

“Buhl
e,Iwi
llt
akecar
eofyou.Pl
ease,l
et’
sgo
home…Iwil
lbethehusbandIam meantt
obe…”

“
Stop”Isai
drubbi
ngthecentreofmyfor
ehead
wil
li
ngthepai
ntoease.Isi
ghedloudl
y.“
Hmm.I
wantustogobacktothepalacenow…”
“
Yes…wewi
lldot
hat
.”Hesaysent
husi
ast
ical
ly.

“
Pleasecal
lforafami
lymeet
ing.Iwantt
otel
lyour
f
amilythegoodnews!
”

“
Yes!Def
ini
tel
y..
.wehavet
oo”

Inodded.“
Letmegetup”

Hedoesn’ tknowwhat ’
scoming.Iseehet hinksthat
wear esuddenl yplayi
nghappycoupl eagain,butI’
m
notther
e.Li khakhaneedst ounderst
andsomet hi
ng
andthatis,hewon’ tjustdomedi r
tyandt hen
assumeever yt
hingwi l
lgobacktonor malbecause
amer eapologycameoutofhi smout h.
***
****
****
*******
* *
***
** *
** *
* ***
******
*******
****
***
***
****
****
*******
Uponar rivingatt hepalace,I
fr
eshenedupwhi lewewai tedf orLikhakha’sfat
her
tocomeback.Idr eadwhatI ’m abouttodobutI
havetodoit.Ihadonbl ackt ightsandabl ack
sweat erforcomf ort
abi
li
ty.Themeet
ingwashel din
thedining-room,Ididn’
twantthefor
mal i
tyt
he
throneroom i nvi
tes.Li
khakhaandIwalkedinand
greeted.Wet ookourusualseatsandheopenedt he
meet i
ng.

“Thankyouforgat
her
ingatsuchshor
tnot
ice,
”sai
d
Likhakha.
“
Isever
ythi
ngokay?
”askedhi
smom.

“Thingsarebett
ert
hanokaymom…”hesmi led.
“BuhleandIareexpect
ing,
”Thef
amil
ybrokeoutin
celebrat
orychat
ter
.“Wewantedt
oletyouknow…”

“
Ohnyana…I
’
m agr
andmot
her
,”hi
smom says.

“
Dad,
youar
eagr
andf
athernow…”hesays.

“
Oh!Am It
hatol
dal
ready?
”hi
sfat
herasks.
“
Yessir
!”sai
doneoft heunclesastheylaughedin
j
oy.Thi
sisbeauti
ful
.Thismomentwasbi tt
ersweet
f
ormyfami l
ybecauseafterIhadtotel
lthem t
hat
myhusbanddoesn’tbel
ievethatIam wi
thchild.But
,
i
t’
sabouttobebit
tersweetforthem…I’
m aboutt o
t
ellt
hem t
hetrut
h.

“Well
,theDalindyebosarepl
easedNdlovukazi
…you
didwell”hi
sfathersaid,
Ifr
oze.Didhejustsay
somethingnicetome?Washeni cetome?Idon’t
knowhowt oreact.

“Thankyou,
I’
m happyt
oo…butIhavesomet
hingI
needtosaytothefami
ly,
”Isai
d.

“
Myl
ove…”hepl
acedhi
shandovermi
ne.

“Li
khakhapl
ease…”It
ookadeepbr
eathi
nandt hen
out.“
WhatI’
m aboutt
otel
lyoui
snotassweetas
whatyouj
usthear
d,”

“Arether
esomecomplicat
ionswit
hthe
pregnancy?
”askedoneoftheaunt
’s

“Noanti
…it
’snothingthatcan’
tbefi
xed.Hmmm”I
clear
edmyt hroat
,“Idon’
tknowIfyoursonhast
old
youaboutPrince,
”

“Idi
dlove,
andheandhismom havegoneback
home,”heint
erj
ect
ed.

“Ihadadr eam, Iguesstheancestorswere

communi catingwithmeandt heroyalhealerhad
thesamedr eam, thi
sdr eam wasconf i
rmingthat
Princewasnothi ssonandont hesamedayIt old
him Iwaspr egnant,hedidn’
tbeli
eveme.Hesai dI
wasf akingi tandIwasj ustdoingthatbecauseI
wast hreatenedbyPr i
nceandwor riedaboutmyt it
le
i
nt hishousehol d,”
“Buhl
e,youdon’
thavet
odot
his…”hesqueezedmy
hand.

“Iam doingthis.Fort
hepast3weeksorso,thi
ngs
haven’tbeensmoot hbet
weenmeandmyhusband.
Today, hetookmet oadoctorofhischoi
cef
ora
testwhichpr ovedIwaspregnant
,”

“
Son,
how?
”hi
sfat
herdi
stur
bedme.

“Thedoct
oralsosaidIwasstressed,
longst
ory
short
,It
hinkitwi
llbebestbothformeandthebaby
i
fIgoandst ayhomef orafewweeks,”

“
That
’snothappeni
ng…”Li
khakhadecl
ared.

“
Myel der
s,af
terwhathappenedt
oday,
IfearthatI
mightnotbeablet
ocarrythi
schi
ldt
ofull
-t
erm.I
justneedsometi
mewi t
hmyf amily…andl et
’sf
aceit
,
noneofyour eal
lyl
ikeme.Si
nceImar riedyourson,
I’
veneverfel
tathome.ToyouallIwillalwaysbe
yourqueenandnotyourdaughteroryourmakot iat
l
east,”

“
OhNobuhle…youhavealwaysbeenl
ikeadaught
er
t
ome;youknowt hat
,”Li
khakhamom sayswi
th
t
earst
ri
ckl
ingdownhercheeks.AndIdon’
tgi
vea
f
uck!

“Thatchanged…Ineedt obewi thmybr others.”I

l
ookedatLi khakha,“Andpl ease, don’tt hi
nkIam
askingforpermission;I’
mj ustinf ormingyou
becausei t
’sanoblet hi
ngt odo…mybr otherwillbe
hereformesoIneedt opack…”Igotup, “Excuse
me”Ileftthem holdingmybr eath, waitingfor
anyonet osayIcan’tleaveorsomest upidshi t
aboutbeingaqueen.I nallhonest y;Iknewt hey
werenotgoi ngtofightme…t heydon’ thaveany
soli
dgroundt ostandon, I’m suret heywoul dn’t
wanttol
oset
hei
rgr
andson,
thenexthei
rtot
he
t
hrone.

Istart
edpacki ngallt
hethingsIknowIwil
lneed,
most l
ytights,bi
kershort
s,sweatpant
sandbig
sweat er
s.Andsomef ancythi
ngshereand
there…Likhakhacamei nandsatbesidemysuitcase.

“That ’sabi gbag.Howl ongar eyoupl anni ngon

negl ecti
ngyourdut ies, bothasawi feandr eigning
queenofmyki ngdom, ”Ir estedmyeyesonhi mf or
af ewsecondsandt hencont inuedpacki ng.If eelifI
openmymout h,Imightendupi nhospi talagai n.“I
am nott alki
ngt oawal lhere…andand…”he
stammer ed,“whatist hatbul l
shi tyouj ustpul led
downst airs?Doyouknowhowt hatmakesmel ook
i
nf r
ontofmyf amily?”keepyourmout hshutBuhl e,
shutup!Iknowyoucanf eelyourbl oodboi l
ingbut
youneedt oshutupot her wiset hiswon’ tendwel l
.
Youar ewi thchildnow;youcan’ tber eckless.“ I
’m
fucki ngtalkingtoyou! ”hegotl ouderand
aggressi
veashegott ohisfeet.Ist
eppedawayout
offear.“
Justsaysomethingplease”hecomposed
hi
msel fandthensatbackdown.

“Getout!
”Isai
d.Herecoi
ledi
nconfusi
onashe
cockedhisheadtothesi
de.“
Leave,l
etmepack.I
don’twantyouher
e.”

“
Nobuhl
e,canwenot
…”

“Ifyoudon’tleaveinthenext5secondsyouand
yourfamilywi l
lneverseeyourson…never !And
needIremi ndyouaf teryouthereisnoot herking
buthim…i magineifhesuddenl ydisappears,the
thronewillbetakenbyst rangersandyourki ngdom
wi l
lpar
ish,that’
swhatt hehealersaid…bewi semy
king”

“Areyout
hreat
eni
ngme,
Nobuhl
e?”hegotup
slowl
y.
“Thr
eateni
ng?Threatsaremadebyweakli
ngs…I
makepr omi
ses.5..
.4”helookedatmewit
hdisbel
ief
whil
enoddinghisheadast houghhehadfi
gured
outsomethi
ng.

Hewavedhi shandsabovehi
shead,“
Alr
ight
,your
rul
es…I’
m out”heheadedf
ort
hedoor.Onceheshut
i
t,Iexhal
edinrel
ief
.Fucki
tman!I
’m abaddass
bit
ch.

[
01/05,14:05] :OUTOFTHEHUTSOF
HISTORY’SSHAMEIRI SE.UPFROM APAST
THAT’SROOTEDI NPAINIRISE.I’
M ABLACK
OCEAN, LEAPINGANDWI DE,WELLINGAND
SWELLINGIBEARTI DE,-MayaAngelou

ENTRY95
Wal kingdownt hesestair
swithmybagsi ssad.I
don’twantt oleaveLi
khakhabutsomet hi
ng’sgott o
give.Ilovemyhusbandwi thal
lofmyhear tbutI
don’tknowwhatt hefutur
eholdsforourmar r
iage.
Whathedi dtome–i nmybooks–i sunforgi
vable,
thef actt
hatwear ehavingachildtoget
herisnot
helpingmuch.

If
oundMzamoout si
dethegatewai
ti
nginhiscar
.
Hegotouttohel
pedmewi t
hmybags.Justaswe
wereaboutt
odri
veoffLi
khakhacameoutrunni
ng.

“Pl
easet
ellwhatt
odot
onotl
oseyou…Iwi
lldoi
t,
”
hesayspanti
ng.

“
Idon’
tthi
nkt
her
eisanyt
hingt
odo…”Isai
d.

“
Ican’
tloseyou…”
“Youalreadydid,
”IlookedatMzamo,“Let
’sgo”he
steppedonit.Iwatchedhiminthesi
demi rr
or
shrinki
ngaswedr oveaway.

“Buhl
e!!
!!
”hecal l
edout.Myeyesj ustst
art
edtear
ing
outofcontrol.It
houghtIhadahol dofmysel
fand
myemot ionsbuthearinghim callmynamel i
kethat
j
ustbrokeme.Icoul dhearthepai nandsadnessin
hisvoi
ceandwhat ’
ssadabouti tisthathedi
dthis.
Mzamot ookmyhandandt heninterl
ockedhi
s
fi
ngersi
nmi ne.

“Youareokay…”hewhi sper
ed.Icl
eanedmyface,
tookadeepbreathinandoutandt hent
ri
edtocal
m
myselfdown.Thisisfuckedup!al
lIwantt
odois
crybutthebaby…thebaby.

“
Ist
her
eicecr
eam athome?
”Iasked.Hesmi
led.

“
Letmecheck,
”hepi
ckeduphi
sphone.
“SI
SPALESA.
..
JAHDOYOUGUYSHAVEI
CE
CREAM?.
..
WHATSHOULDIGETORAREWE
LETTI
NGHIPPOHEREDECI
DE?
...
”
“I
’m notevent
hatfatguys!
”Iwhi
neddi
stur
binghi
s
conversat
ionwit
hPalesa.
“
ALRI
GHT,
WE’
LLGOI
NTOTOWN,
”

heshovedt
hephonebacki
ntohi
spocket
.“Wear
e
goi
ngshoppi
ng?”hesai
dandIgr
oaned.

“
Areyouathome?
’Iasked.

“No, I
’
m atmyplaceandsoi sMandlaandNj abul
o.
Wecancomei fyouneedme…”Ican’ texpectmy
brotherstoal
waysturnthei
rli
vesupsidedown
whenmi nei
supsidedown.It’
ssweetthatMzamoi s
will
ingtonow,butno…it
’snotnecessary.
“No,
I’
m okay…Ineedt
orelax.Letmej
ustdealwi
th
onebrot
herandspouseatat i
me,”

So,wewenti ntotownandboughtsomef ood,

Pal
esadidn’tcooktoday.Imadesur et
obuyaf air
amountoficecr eam;twoti
nrooftubsformyself
andthentwomor ewhichIwil
lprobabl
yalsofi
nish.
Don’tj
udgeme.Iaddedsomemar shmall
ows,chips
andchocolatesjustf
orcontr
ol.

“
Thepregnantl
adyi
sher
e!”sangMzi
whenIwal
ked
i
nwit
hMzamo.

Iwant edtogoandst
ayatMzamo’ shousebecause
thelastti
meIhadaproblem andcamebackhome,
PalesaandIwereateachother’
sthr
oats.Li
ter
all
y.

“IhopeMrsdoesn’
tmind…It
hinkIshoul
dgot
ohi
s
house,
”Isai
dhugginghim.
“Don’
tworr
y.Ever
ythi
ngi
sokay…t
hisi
syourhome
aft
eral
l,
”

“Icantakeherin,I’
m sur
eKhanyawi
llbehappyto
haveyouover ,youcanhavesl
umberpart
iesand
sleepover
s,”suggestedMzamo

“Bhut
i,asleepoverandaslumberpar
tyar
ethe
samething,”Irol
ledmyeyes.“
AndIhonestl
ythi
nkI
shoul
dgowi t
hhim, ”

“
Butyou’
rel
eavi
ngt
hef
oodbehi
nd,
”–Mzi

“
Noways…”Icr
ied.

“Okay…howaboutweal
lsl
eepher
etoni
ght
?Gett
he
other3her
e…”–Mzi
“
I’
llcal
lMandl
aandNj
abul
o,”Ivol
unt
eer
ed.

“
Iwi
llf
etchmywi
fe…”

“
Great
!It
’sasl
umberpart
y!”decl
aredMzi
.“Ask
Mandl
atogetmorefood,
”

Mybr other sal

wayst urnsit
uati
onsi ntoreasonsto
br
ingt hef amilytoget
her.Andtheyal waysuseany
si
tuati
onasanexcuset odr i
nkandsl eeplate.
Anyway;Iwenti ntomyr oom andf ixedit…theshit
s
ar
est i
llcleansoIwon’ tbechangi ngt hem.Pal esa
walkedinwi t
hagl assofsomet hing…I ’
m notsure
whatandIcan’ thelpbutfeelalit
tleawkwar d.

“
Heymama!”shecameandst
oodoverme.She
t
henpl
acedthecupont
hesi
detabl
e.
“
Hi,
”Ismi
ledwr
yly.

“
Yourbr
otherj
usttol
dmet ocomeandmakeyou
f
eelwel
comed.”Shesays.

“
Idi
dn’
taskhi
mtodot
hat
…”Idef
endedmysel
f.

“Doyoufeell
ikeyou’
renotwel
comeher
e?”she
asked.

Isi
ghedsoftl
y,“
Aft
erthel
astt
ime…Ij
ustdon’tknow
anymore.Idi
dn’
twantanyawkwardsi
tuati
onandI
don’
twanttoputMziinaposi
ti
onofhavingto
choose,
”

“
Iunder
stand…”shesayssoundi
ngr
athersad.

“
Ijustneverknowwher
eIst
andwi
thyou…Idon’
t
wantt
oupsetyou,
”

“I
’m sorrythatyou’
vebeenf
eeli
ngt
hatway.Thi
sis
yourhome, youshoul
dbeablet
owalki
nandoutas
youwi sh,”

“Andit
’sal
soyourhouse.That’
swhyI’
vedeci
dedto
moveinwithMzamo…butImi ghtendupgoi
ngto
Durban,
”

“No!Yourbrotherwoul
dneverf
orgi
veme.Please
stay…Ii
nsistandbesi
des,
Iwanttowat
chyouget
fatandlaughatyouwhenyourbrot
her
steaseyou,”

“
Iwi
lldot
hatf
oryou,
Ioweyout
hatmuchPal
esa…”

“
Heyladi
es”Mzibar
gedi
n.“
I’
m eati
ngnow,Ican’
t
wai
tfort
hem.Shoul
dIdi
shforyouguys?
”
“
Yespl
ease,
”Pal
esar
espondedandInodded.

“Al
ri
ght
,pl
easej
oinmei
nthedi
ning-
room,
”hel
eft
us.

“Shallwe?”shehel
doutherhandandhelpedmeup,
Iroll
edmyeyesandt ooki
tanyway.I
’m notatt
hat
stageyet,
Icanstil
lst
anduponmyown.

Wewenti nt
othedini
ngroom andwai t
edforMzi.
It
’srareforMzitobetheonest andi
ngandservi
ng
soIthinkwhenhedoes, Pal
esasoaksi ti
n,j
udging
fr
om thewayshekeepsst aringathim whengoesin
andoutt ryi
ngtosett
hetable.IknowMzamocooks
moret hanheshouldathishouseandwhenhe’ s
heretoo.

Suddenl
ythehousewasfil
ledwit
hl oudchat
terand
l
aughter
,therestoft
het
roopishere.Theypoured
i
noneaf t
ertheother
.
“Youguysst
art
edt
hepar
tywi
thoutus?
”Nj
abul
o
complai
ned.

“Thi
sisnotapart
y,”Pal
esaresponded.Mandla
cameandkneltbesidemeandt henbrushedmy
near
lyfl
attummy.

“
Heyboy,
”hesai
d.

“
Heydaddy,
”Ir
espondedonbehal
foft
hebaby.

“Li
sten,youarenotal onehereright.I
fthi
ngsdon’t
workoutwi thyouandLi khakhawear eallher
e…I
wil
lputmynamei nhi sbir
thcertif
icat
e,”Ikept
noddingwi t
hasmi leonmyf ace.“Wewi l
ldo
everyt
hing.Doctorvisit
s,mommyandmepl ay
datesshit…”
“
Youcan’
tcometoamommyandme…i t’
snota
mommy,daddyandme,
”Icor
rect
edhi
m.

“
Thatmakessense…”hechuckl
ed.

“
ButIgetyou,
”heki
ssedcheek.

“
Iloveyou,
”hesai
dgoi
ngt
otakeaseat
.

“
Met
oo”

IloveMandl aandhowhet hinkshehast otake

responsibi
li
tyforever
yonei nthishousewher eashe
i
st heyoungestofusal l
.Theener gyisjoll
y,
everyoneiseatingandlaughingandj usthavinga
goodt i
mebutt hatwasallcutshor t
.Likhakha
walkedinunannouncedanduni nvit
ed.
“
Howt
hehel
ldi
dhegeti
n?”askedMzi
standi
ng.

“
Buhl
elef
therkey,
”hedangl
edt
hekeysi
ntheai
r.

“
Likhakha,
whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?”Iasked
l
ookingathim.
“Wai
t!Li
khakha,youcan’tj
ustbudgei
nli
kethis…I
don’
tthi
nkyougetthis;youareanenemyatthe
moment,”Mzisaid.

“Woul
dyouhaveletmei nifIhadcall
ed…”noone
wasabletoanswerhim.“Exact
ly!Pl
ease
under
stand…Buhl
e,Ihadtoseeyou,”

“Youhave5mi nut
esandthengetthehel
loutofmy
house!Andstayout!
”Mzisatbackdown.Hetooka
fewstepscl
osertome.

“
Baf
o…st
andr
ightt
her
e?”Mandl
acommanded.
“
It
’sokayMandl
a…Whati
sit
?”IaskedLi
khakha

“
Canwetalk”hiseyeskeptwander
ingf
rom f
acet
o
f
ace.“
Inpr
ivate,
”

Ist
oodandwalkedoutoftheroom.Hefol
lowedme.
Il
eadhi
mi nt
otheli
ving-
room.“Whati
sthi
s?”

“
Howar
eyou?
”heasked.

“
I’
mfi
ne”Ishr
ugged.

“
Andmyboy?
”

“Hei
sfi
ne…hei
ssur
roundedbypeopl
ewhol
ove
him,
”
“
Ilovehi
m,”het
ookmyhands,
“AndIl
oveyou…”

“
Ok…youcan’tshowupinmybr
other
s’housel
ike
t
his,
it’
sdi
srespect
ful
,
”

“
Pleasecomehome,
babyIwi
llt
akecar
eofyou!
”

“
No,st
op…”Ibackedaway.“
I’
m notgoingback
t
her
enow…givemespace!”Isai
dsternly.

“
You’
remywi
fe…pl
ea…”

“
WasInotyourwif
ewhenyounegl
ect
edmeand
mademewatchyouspendi
ngt
imewithyour
f
amil
y,
”Ii
nter
ject
ed.

“
FuckBuhl
ethat
…”
“Heyheyheyhey…”saidMzif rom t
hedini
ngr
oom.
Doesheactual
lyt
hinkhe’llt
alktomeanyhowinmy
home?Mybr ot
hers’house?Ishest upi
d?

“JustgoLikhakha.Ifeell
ikeyouar enotreal
izi
ng
howmuchyouf uckedupandwhyar eyousoooo
enti
tled?I’
m notyourobjectyoudon’ townme…you
apologizi
ngf ort
hesakeofj ustapologizi
ngdoes
notmakeever yt
hingokay.Youneedt oownupand
real
izewher eyouwentwr ong!”

“
That
’swhyI
’
m her
e!”

“No,
you’r
eherebecauseI
’m pr
egnantandyouar
e
scar
edthatyoumightl
oseyourson!
”

“Whatthefuckdoyouwantf r
om meNobuhl
e?”he
tr
iedtolowerhi
svoicebutIcoul
dtel
lhewant
edto
yell
.
“Iwantyout oleaveandnevercomeback…”I
walkedawaybuthef oll
owedme.“ Areyouser
iousl
y
doingthiswithmybr other
shere?doyouhavea
deathwith?”hegr abbedmyarmj ustbefor
eIcould
walkintothediningroom.

“
List
ent
ome,
”heor
der
ed.

Ipul
ledmyar
m away,
“Andl
etgoofme…”

“Whyar
esodif
fi
cul
t?Imadeami st
ake,
getoverit
andcomehomeand…”Mzij
oinedusinthepassage.

“It
’sti
met oleave!”hesaidpointinghimint he
direct
ionofthedoor .JustasIwasaboutt oleave
them, Li
khakhagr abbedmyar m againwhichpissed
Mziof fsohepushedLi khakha.Likhakhadidn’
t
backawayorcower .Hegotclosert oMziand
l
ookedhi m strai
ghtintheeyes.“ Letgoofher ,
”Mzi
tookonat hickstaccato.
“Sheismywi
feandIam st
il
ltal
kingt
oher
…”he
said.

“
Bhut
i,l
etmehandl
ethi
s,
”Isai
dtoMzi
.

“
No,Iwanthi
mtol
eave.Now…gett
hef
uckoutof
myhouse”

“Li
khakha,”It
ri
edtopul
lmyar
m awaybutIf ai
led.
“Letgoofmeandgohome.IfIlett
hem handlethi
s
youmi ghtgethur
t…”

“No,Iam st
il
ltal
kingtoyou.Theyshouldn’
tget
i
nvo…”thenextthingLi khakhawasonthefl
oor
.Mzi
l
osthiscool.Hegr abbedhim wit
hhisbl
azer
draggedhim out
.

Iwal
kedbacki
ntot
hel
ivi
ng-
room andt
her
ewas
j
ustanawkwar
dsi
lence.Isat
,keptmyeyesl
ow.

“Yougood?
”askedMandl
a.Il
ookedathi
m.I
’
m sur
e
ever
yonecanj
ustseehowhurtIam.

“Ihavet obe…”Icl osedmyeyesandt riedtost op

myselff rom cryi
ng.“ Hmmm…Iwi llcal litanight,”I
gotupandl eftthem.Li khakhahascr ossedt heline
now.It’
st oomuch.WhatIhat ei
st hatheact uall
y
doesn’trealizehowmuchhehashur t,andi shur ti
ng
meandt hebaby.Hecan’ tadmitthathewaswr ong,
heisjustapol ogizingbecausehedoesn’ twantto
l
osehi sson.I fIcoul dIwoul dhavet oldhi m exactly
whatIt hinkofhi m, butthatwouldmakemesomad
andImi ghthurtthebaby.Hei sactingl ikeaf ucking
boyandnot hinglikeaki ng.

[
01/05,
14:
05] :LEAVI
NGBEHINDNI
GHTSOF
TERRORANDFEAR,IRI
SE.I
NTOADAYBREAK
THAT’SWONDROUSLYCLEAR,IRI
SE.BRI
NGI NG
THEGI FTSTHATMYANCESTORSGAVE,IAM THE
DREAM ANDTHEHOPEOFTHESLAVE, IRISE.I
RISE.IRISE.

ENTRY96

I’
vesur vi
vedbi gt hings.Thingsbiggerthanmeand
biggerthanlifeitself.I
’vesurvivedthingsIdidnot
understandbutf oughtagai nstanywaybecausemy
l
ifedependedoni t.I’
vehadt or i
seupandl ead
peopledespi t
ehowweakandwear yIwas,because
myl if
eort helivesoft hepeopl eIlovedependedon
i
t.AsI ’m si
tt
ingher ewithMzi andt hedoctor
l
isteningtohowmybl oodpr essureisalar
mingI’m
thinki
ngt omysel f, '
wellIguessIbet t
erarmorup
andgetr eadyt of ight,
'

“
ButI
’m notst
ressed.Sur
e, myhusbanddi
dsend
meontheedgeal i
ttl
ebutI’
m athomeandmy
f
amil
yistaki
ngcareofme, ”Idef
endedmysel
f.
“Si
s,youdon’
tsl
eepandyoueatal
otofj
unk…t
hat
’s
nothelpi
ng”

“Ever
yti
meIseeyouyourpressurehasgoneup
andyoualwayspr
omi set
otakecareofyour
sel
f.
Whydoyout hi
nkIaskedyoutobri
ngsomeonethe
l
astti
me?”

“
Iwi
llbef
ine!I
’
vebeenshotand…”

“
Thishasnothi
ngtodowi
tht
hat
!”Mzi
’
stonegota
l
it
tl
eaggressi
ve.

“WhatI
’mtryi
ngt
osayi s;I
’
vesur vi
vedwaywor se
soI’
m sur
eIcantakeonahi ghbloodpressur
e…”I
j
usti
fi
edmynonchalantbehavior
.

“
Evert
ookasecondt
othi
nkyourl
uckmi
ghtbe
runni
ngout?”Mybrot
herlooksreall
ypissedri
ght
now.“Andnomorecoffeeforyou!”headded.Ibet
thatmusthavemadehimf eelgoodabouthimsel
f.

“MrsDali
ndyebo,youreall
yneedtotakeever
ything
I’
m sayi
ngseri
ousot her
wiseyouarenotonly
putt
ingyour
selfatri
skbutalsoyourunbornchil
d,”

“Okay”Isur render ed.“Iwi l

lletthem hel pme…Iwi ll
sleep, Iwil
leatheal thierandexer ciseagain…Iwi ll
doi t
,”Icant ellMzii swor ri
edaboutmeandt he
babyandmycar el
essnessi swhatannoyshi mt he
most .He’swal ki
ngi nf r
ontmel ikehehaswheel s
forfeetandI ’mj usttip-toeingbehi ndhi mlikea
straydog.Hi sLand- roverbeepedashepr essedt he
keys, hewentovert ot hedr iver’
ssi de,gotinand
shuthi sdoor .Usual l
yhewoul dopent hedoorf or
meanddot hewhol egent l
emant hing,buthedi dn’t.
“Mzi,wecant alkabouti t”hest artedthecar ,l
ooked
aroundi fit’
ssaf etogoandt henthendr ove.“ Bhuti
!
Really?I t
’smybody, mychi l
d…”
“I
t’
smysi st
er,myson!
”hecl
i
ckedhi
stongueand
droveevenfast
er…

“I
’m sureyou’veexceededt hespeedlimitforthis
area,
”Ipointedoutl ookingoutthewindow.He
glancedatmeandt henl ookedbackatther oad.
“Stopthecar,I’
lldr
ive,”heobeyed.Hest oppedt he
carandgotoutsoweswi t
chedsides.“Howt allar
e
you?”Iaskedadj ustingtheseattofi
tmysi ze.

“Howshortareyou?Pr et
tysoonMonwabi siwi
llbe
tal
lert
hanyou,”hesaidalsoadjust
ingt
he
passenger
’sseat.Ist
uckmyt ongueouttomock
him.

“Look,
I’
m sorr
yIhaven’
tbeentaki
ngcar
eofmysel
f.
IknowI’dbegivi
ngyouhelli
fyouwerei
nmy
shoes…Iwil
ltr
yharder
”
“
IfIf
orgi
veyou,
wil
lyouf
orgi
veme?
”

“
Forwhat
?”hesi
ghedpr
epar
inghi
msel
ftor
espond.

“He’
sathome”Ij
ustknewwhohewastalki
ngabout.
Isqueezedt
hest
eeri
ngwheelwi
ll
ingmysel
ftocal
m
down.

“
Why?
”Iasked.

“It
’syourtur
n,”heunfast
enedhisseatbelt
,“St
opthe
car…let
’sswitch,
”hecommanded.Ist oppedthecar
thenweswi tched.Hewhinedunderhisbreath
abouthowcl osethechai
ristothesteeri
ngwheel.

“
Whyi
sheathome?
”Iasked.

“
Youmi
sshi
m”
“
Idon’
t”Idi
sput
ed.

“
You’
vebeencal l
ingusLi
khakha…pl
easedon’
tfi
ght
i
tsi
s.I
’m notsayi
ngforgi
vehim,j
ustseehi
m,”

“
Fine…I
’llj
ustseehim,
”hesmil
ed,“
Idon’
tmi
sshim
t
hough,”added.Justf
oremphasi
sandtocl
ear
t
hingsout.

“
Ok,
Hippo”

Isawhi
scarparkedoutsidetheyar
daswedrovein.
Myhear
tstar
tedbeatingfast
erandfort
hef
ir
stti
me
i
nalongti
me,Ifeltbutt
erf
li
esintummy.

“
DoIl
ookf
ine?
”Iaskedner
vousl
y.
“
Youl
ookper
fect
”

Whenwewal kedin,hejumpedt ohi sfeet

.Helooks
l
ikeheisenjoyinghimselfwithMzamowat chi
ng
somemovi e.DidImi sssomet hi
ngher e?Didthey
kissandmake- upwithouttel
li
ngme?“ hey!
”hesays,
heevenhashi sblazerandt i
eoff.Ilookedat
Mzamo, hi
sgazewassayi ng“ benice”

“
Hel
lo”Igr
eet
ed.

“
Howar
eyou?Youl
ooksobeaut
if
ul…”

“
We’
l
lgi
veyousomespace,
”Mzi
sai
d.

“Thatshouldbemycue! ”Mzamoexi
tedaswell.I
tookasit.Ir
eall
ydon’tknowwhatt
osay.Ihaven’
t
seenhimi nalmostt
woweeks.
“
Howar
eyou?
”heaskedt
aki
ngaseatr
ightnextt
o
me.

“
Thedoct
ori
swor
ri
ed…”

“
Aboutt
hebaby,
”hepani
cked.“
What
’swr
ong?
”

“
Sameol
dbl
oodpr
essur
e…”

“
I’
m sor
ry…”hesoundssi
ncer
e.

“
I’
llgeti
tbackdown,
Ipr
omi
se,
”IhopeIcan.

“Hey,
Iknowyouar
etr
yingyourbest
.”Hesays,
“do
youwanttogof
orawalk?
”

“
Awal
k?Iechoedhi
m.
“Yes…it’
l
lgi
veyoualit
tl
eexerci
seandgi veusti
me
tocatchup”Idon’
tknowifIwanttocatchup.I
don’tknowifIwantt
ogoforawal k.Idon’
tknow
evenknowwhatIwantatt hi
spoint.“Pl
easeBuhle,
I’
mt ryi
nghere…meetmehalfway.”

Iagreedt ogoont hisstupidwal kwi t

hhi m andI ’
m
gladIagr eedtobecauseIhaven’ tseenmyhomei n
awhi leonewoul dswearImoved.Si nceImar ri
ed
LikhakhaI ’
vebeenver ydistantfrom Nobuhl e’
s
vil
lage,I’
vebeenconcent r
atingont hequeen’ s
kingdom.Thedi fferenceaboutt hetwoi sthata
vil
lageispeacefulandi tholdsmemor ies;some
preciousandsomenotsopl easi
ngt othehear tbut
i
t’shome.Andaki ngdom issacr ed,i
tneedssavi ng
andpr otecti
ng,i
tneedsaki ngandqueen, aher o
andher oinetostandi nthefrontlineforitandt ake
thefirsthiti
fnotallthehitsforit.

Ihaven’
tbeenher
einawhi
le;i
nyear
sinf
act
.
“Youint
roducedmet othisplace,i
twasourspot,
”
hesays.It
’sstil
lli
keIl
efti
t…butthegrassi
sgreener
andthewat erseemsmuchcl earer
.

“
Ihaven’
tbeenher
einf
orever
…”Isai
dadmi
ri
ngt
he
r
iverwi
thmyeyes.

“
Met
oo,
”

“Havewefor
gottenwhoweare?Liketheyoungboy
andgir
lwhojustwant
edtobetogether?
”

“Youmeantheboywhowantedt
obewi t
hthegir
l
andthegi
rlwhocameupwit
heveryexcusei
nthe
booktomakesuret
heywer
enot,
”

Myeyesgr
ewwideandsodi
dmysmi
le,
“Okay,
f
ir
stl
yyouwer
ecreepy.
”
“HowNobuhl
e?”hepl
ant
edhimsel
finf
rontofme
blocki
ngmyvi
ewofthewat
er.

“Youhadaf ancycar,andadri
ver,youbought
groceri
esf
ormyf amilyand…”Ipausedtolaughed,
“Youshowedupatmyhouseont hedaywemet
andspoketomyf atherandbrot
her s,
whodoes
that?
”

“Aboyinlove,
”hesaysandIcouldseet
hatboyi
n
hiseyes.TheboyIf
elli
nlovewi
th.

“
Whathappenedt
othatboy?
”Iaskeddampening
t
hemood.“Youar
enolongerBabyorRichboy,
”

Hecuppedmyfacei
nhi
shandsandsai
d,“Helost
si
ghtofwhatwasi
mpor
tantt
her
eforasecond,he
l
osthi
mself,
”
“Hehur tthegi
rlalot…”myeyesstar
tedteari
ng.
WhatLi khakhaissayingi
strue.Webothlostsi
ght
ofwhowewer ebeforewebecamewhowear enow.
“Li
khakhaIwoul dneverchaseyourchi
ldaway.I
don’tcareaboutyourstupi
dt hr
oneaslongasI
haveyouandIwoul dneverl
ietoyouaboutbeing
pregnant,”

“Iknowbaby…Iknow.Ido,”heplant edal ongki

ss
onmyf orehead,“
Befor
ethehijacking,wehadan
argumentaboutkidsandIthoughtyoudi dn’
twant
havebabiessowhenPr i
nceshowedup;Iwasso
happytohaveaboyofmyownt hatIj ustbecame
bli
ndtoeverythi
ng.Ij
ustwantedt ogett oknowhim
andnurturehimli
kemyf at
herdidme, ”

“Baby,Idi
dn’tsayIdon’twanttohavekids,Ij
ust
didn’
twanttomakebabi esoncommandort r
y.I
wantedittobeunplannedandspont aneous.I’
m not
ababymaki ngmachi ne…butPhel
okazireal
ly
f
uckedusover
…”

“No,
Ididallthatonmyown…Ifuckedusover
.Can
youeverf
or gi
vememyl ove?
”

“YouknowIhavet
oforgi
veyourassbecauseImi
ss
youandI’
vebeencal
li
ngmybrother
sbyyour
name…”

Hel
aughed,
“Nowondert
heycal
ledme.
”

Iwouldusual
lyl
ashoutatmybr othersforgoi
ng
behi
ndmybackandcal l
ingmyhusbandbuti twas
al
lforagoodcausebecauseIreall
ydi dmisshim
anditseemsli
kehehaslearnthislesson.Heisnow
bei
ngt hemanIneededhimt obe,themanhehas
al
waysbeen;myLikhakha,myBaby.

“
Imi
ssedyou,
”Iconf
essed.Hej
ustki
ssedme.“
Can
weneverf
ightl
iket
hisagai
n?”

“Okay,
butt
hinkaboutthemake-
upsext
hatwe’
re
goingt
ohave,”hesmir
ked.

“
Sex?
!”It
ookast
epback.

Henoddedandsai
d,“
Yeah!Babe…i
t’
sbeen”

Idel
iber
atel
ywal kedaway,
“Yeahno,youneedt
o
showmehowsor r
yyouarebefor
eIopenmy
cookiej
arforyou…”

“But
,Imar
ri
edyou!
”hefol
lowedme.Iignor
edhim;
heneedst
oputsomet
hingbiggeront
hetable.

“
Howaboutanewcar?”Istoppedandsmi
ledbutI
madesur
ehedidn’
tseethatIwas.
“Whatkindofcar
?”Iaskedgr
inni
ngfr
om eartoear
.
Theideaofabrand-
newcarti
ckledmyfancy.

“Anycarofyourchoi
ce…”It
urnedt
ohi
m wi
tha
cheer
fulsmil
e.

“
Deal
”

Wewal kedbackhomehand-i
n-handlikeamarri
ed
couple;l
aughi
ngandsmil
ing,gossi
pingandjust
goingdownmemor yl
ane.Ourpeople
acknowledgedusaswestrol
ledupanddownt he
vi
ll
age.

“
Hey,
doyour
ememberourf
ir
stki
ss?
”heasked.

“
Iwasgoi
ngtogetwat
erf
oryourf
atherandyou
f
oll
owedme,
”
“Youcal
ledmeaboy…anunci
rcumci
sedboy!
”he
shookhi
shead.

“
Thatbr
uisedyourego…”webot
hlaughed.

“Isawyouf rom thebackandIt oldmydr iverto

slowdown.Iwat chedyouwal kasthoughyouwer e
kissingthedust ygroundwi thyourfeetandIwas
justmoved.Youl ookedbackandIsawyourf ace..
.I
couldn’tevenclosemymout h,
”ashewasnar rati
ng
thatdayt ome, Iwasj ustcharmedandt ickled.“My
driver,
Duke…hej ustdrovethecarfasterand
sloweddownr ightbesideyou, whenyouwer eup
close,IjustknewIhadt ohaveyou.Iknewyouwer e
madef orme…justhadt ogetri
dofthatat t
itude”

“Iwantedtoki
llyouwhenyouwerenearme…but
whenyouwer egone,Iwant
edtobewithyouandI
didn’
tevenknowyou.Ievenaskedmyfatherabout
andhesaidyoulookedfamil
iar
,”Isi
ghedl
oudl
y,
“OhIrememberhowmybr ot
hersusedtogi
veme
hel
laboutyou.Theyst
il
ldo.”

Herewear efolksandIwon.Iwonagai nstNoma,

thebull
yf rom highschool.Iwonagai nstmy
mother’sdeath.Iwonagai nstmyf ather’
sbet r
ayal
.I
wonagai nstRhadebe.Iwonagai nstmyf ather’
s
death.Iwonagai nstLi
khakha’sfami l
y.Iwon
agai
nstLi khakha’sfakedeat h.Iwonagai nstthe
media.Iwonagai nstPhelokaziandnow…nowIj ust
needtowi nagai nstthi
shighbl oodpr essureand
makesur et hi
sbabyi sbornheal thyandal i
ve.

I’
m awar ri
or!Af i
ghter!Andexperi
enceiswhat
taughtmet hat.Iusedt ocowerandhidebehindmy
brothersbutnowIst andtal
landfacemyproblems
headson.Thel adythatIam nowisnotthegirlyou
met ,t
heonewhocoul dn’
tgotouniver
sit
y;t
hatgi r
l
i
sl onggone, shet r
ansfor
medi nt
osuperwoman.My
familyisdoinggr eatfi
nanci
all
yandotherwi
se, no
l
ongerdowewor ryaboutt henextmeal .Theyare
al
lwit
ht hepeoplet heyl oveandourf amilyi
s
growi
ngever yday.LI khakhaandIwi llbejust
fi
ne…todaywasar emi nderforbothofust hatour
l
oveisstrongerandbi ggerthananything.Andthis
pl
ace?Thisplacei shome…myhome.Myki ngdom.
FunnyhowIspentyear stryi
ngtorunawayf rom i
t
onlyt
oendupbei ngi t’
squeen.

Whenwegoti nt
ot hehouse, thewhol esquadwas
there.Thewhol ehousewasj ustfil
ledwithcheerful
chatteryoucouldf eeli
tover whelmingyouasyou
walkedt hr
ought hedoor .Theboyshadbeer s,
there’
smeeti nthebr aaistand,thegirlswereinthe
kit
chencooki ng.WhenIl eftt
heener gywasn’tthi
s
high.Whatt hehellhappened?You’ dswearaf air
y
sprinkl
edsomehappyf airydustinher e.

“
What’
shappeni
ng?
”IaskedasLi
khakhaasI
wal
kedi
n.
“
Youwi
llnotbel
ievet
his,
”decl
aredNj
abul
o.

“Comeonguys,somebodysaysomethi
ng…”I
guessLi
khakhawasasanxiousasIwas.

“
I’
m pr
egnant
”Khanyaannounced.

“Andsoam I ”Palesaal soannounced.Therewas

thatmomentofsi lence, noonesaidanythi
ng.
Likhakhawasf r
ozen.Iwaswai ti
ngforthem t
osay
they’
rejoki
ngbutt helightinthei
reyessuggested
otherwise.

“
Howt
hef
uck?
”Li
khakhaut
ter
ed.

“
Youser
ious?
”–Me

“
Howt
hef
uck?
”-Li
khakha
“
Yep!Wehave3babi
esi
ntheoven”sai
dMandl
a.

“
SoIwon’tbefatal
one”t
hewhol
ehousebr
okeout
i
ntol
aughter
.

“NowwehaveHippo,
”Mzamopointedhisi
ndex
fi
ngeratme,“
Rhi
no”hepoi
ntedatKhanya,
“Now
ourel
ephanti
sback”

Howi nthewor l
ddi dt
hishappen?Iam shockedto
thecore.Howdoesonebegi ntoexpl
ainthi
s?Our
babieswillpr
obablybejustsomeweeksoreven
probablyevendaysapar t
.SeewhatImeantf ol
ks?
Thesquadi sincreasi
ng.

THEEND