Effective Communication Skills for Couples

1. Listen carefully and respond appropriately

Proper communication needs the total participation of both parties. One of the vital
communication tips for couples would be to allow your partner to talk as you actively listen
to all the complaints, appreciations, and concerns. You may not be in agreement with all the
issues, but empathize with a wailing sound or statement such as “I feel your disappointment
in my action, but do you realize that…….” It is not a defense mechanism; it gives reassurance
to your partner that you take into account their concern, but you also have your opinion or
point of view. You attract their attention for an open discussion to draw a conclusive
solution.

2. Evade personal reproach

Avoid any form of personal criticism through insults, inappropriate body language,
shouting, and yelling. You may have a point, but the way you communicate has an effect on
the way your partner conceives the information. Personal reproach prompts your partner to
take a personal defence strategy inhibiting your communication process. Often, personal
reproach works as a catalyst leading to heated arguments between partners. You need to
guide your body language, facial expressions, and the tone of your voice properly so as to
avoid giving wrong suggestions to your partner. This is one of the key communication skills
for couples to develop if they want peaceful discussions every time.

3. Understand one another

Seek your partner to listen to you without judging you. Psychologists recommend
appreciation first in a bid to drive a point home. A partner will feel valued despite some of
his/her weaknesses. Naturally, the relationship dynamics tend to work better when you put
yourself in your partner’s shoes as you seek their attention for a fruitful communication
process.

4. Use the right tone

Are all of you emotionally stable when getting into a discussion? A quarrel regarding
a sensitive issue can turn into a disaster only because you failed to use the right tone.
Couples communicating with maturity use the appropriate tone manifested with a stable
mind to face the situation. Never get the attention of your spouse in anger; you are bound to
raise your voice leading to a complete shutdown of the communication channel. An effective
tone gives you the gift of humility and politeness, guiding your choice of words and further
calms your partner to join in the discussion humbly.

5. Seek explanations

Another communication skill for couples to practice is asking fact-finding questions

or seeking explanations from their partner. This skill enables couples to understand each
other better rather than making assumptions. You are both responsible for the control of the
discussion. The use of open-ended questions rather than closed questions gives room to
your partner for sharing insights and thoughts on the situation. Closed questions are more
often used during a police interrogation and not for open fruitful communication.

6. Use the first-person reference

 As you seek answers, be part of the question, For example, when you want to have
an open chat about your partner avoiding their errands: “I feel you sidestep your
responsibilities because I don’t give you enough attention.” Now, this may not be the
situation, but the fact that you acknowledge being part of the problem even if you are not,
gives your spouse a challenge to own up and accept the situation as a collective
responsibility.

7. Maintain calmness and balance your emotions

A proper communication strategy for couples is to stay calm the entire time you
speak with your partner even if you realize the argument is becoming more hurtful during
the course of the discussion. The calmness gives you self-control to get a deeper
understanding of the situation and, at the same time, helps your partner to vent the hurt
feelings and move forward to a solution. The best time to communicate is when you have
cooled down, and you are in control of your emotions.

8. Appreciate your partner

Communication, which is full of blames and negative thoughts, can never be fruitful.
Your partner must have positive attributes. Otherwise, you could opt for a divorce rather
than communication, appreciate those attributes. Everyone needs appreciation and positive
compliments to soften the heart to sincerity and openness- a parameter for successful
communication.

9. Admit the influence of your spouse

A bad relationship communication practice is when one partner dominates or has

control over the other. Work together to alleviate your relationship from such traditions and
do not let this hamper your peaceful communication process. As you seek to have good
communication skills with your spouse, take into account the environment, emotional
stability, and the willingness to open up for a talk. In addition, your partner must have prior
knowledge of the reason for the meeting. Avoid the mention of any past experiences.
Communication skills for couples are definitely one of the important chapters of life that
each partner needs to memorize once they say ‘I do’ to each other.

The Gottman Method for Healthy Relationships

Doctors John and Julie Gottman identified the following nine components of healthy
relationships.

1. Build love maps

2. Share fondness and admiration
3. Turn towards
4. The positive perspective
5. Manage conflict
6. Make life dreams come true
7. Create shared meaning
8. Trust
9. Commitment.
Collaborative Communication
Everyone knows that communication is simply a matter of talking and listening.
However, most of us mistakenly believe that the matter of communicating is simple.
We fail to realize that rather than involving innate abilities, communication involves
specific skills can be learned and developed in ourselves in order to talk with and
listen to our loved ones.
Step 1: Approaching a conversation with your partner
Step 2: Talking to your partner
Step 3: Listening to your partner
Step 4: Determining reality with your partner
Step 1: Approaching a Conversation with Your Relationship
Partner
Rule #1 to follow when going into a conversation with your partner: unilaterally
disarm. That is, give up the need to be right!! You are not going into a battle that
you have to win.
This is not to say that you are will have to compromise or capitulate. This is not to
say that you can’t be angry, frustrated or provoked. You have a right to all of your
thoughts and feelings.
Just consider that your partner may have something to say that is worth listening to
and considering. This conversation is not a battleground where you must prove that
you are right; it is not a fight that you must win.

Step 2: Talking to Your Relationship Partner

Going into a conversation, there is only one reality that a person can be sure of: you
can know what your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions are. You can be sure of
nothing else: not the other person’s thoughts, feelings or perceptions; not even the
reality of what is going on between the two of you.
The only thing that you and your partner each needs to bring to the conversation is
something that each of you can be sure of: your own thoughts, feelings and
perceptions. However, talking personally about yourself is often more challenging
than you might think.
Focus on yourself.
It is an unfortunate reality that, within almost all couples, one person is victimized by
the other. As a result, the focus of many of their discussions is on blaming each
other. In your effort to talk about yourself, avoid the temptation to lapse into
attacking, accusing, criticizing or blaming your partner.
You are here to talk about you. Not about your partner or the kids or work or your
friends. About you. What would you say about yourself? Look at your partner and
think of what you could reveal about yourself to him-her at this moment.
Reveal feelings that are embarrassing or humiliating.
It is important to recognize your irrational feelings. Don’t dismiss them as being
inappropriate, immature or meaningless. Make an effort to talk about the feelings
that you would much rather skip over. The feelings that you fear will cause you
embarrassment or humiliation should you disclose them.
For example, if you feel hurt or disappointed discuss these feelings with your
partner. Avoid the temptation to defend yourself by becoming victimized and
righteous. This is not about how you shouldn’t be hurt or disappointed. It is just
about the simple truth that you are hurt or disappointed, and that it is causing you
emotional pain.
Reveal your personal wants.
People often feel embarrassed to talk about what they want. Not the easy wants: I
want to go to that new restaurant, I want a new jacket, I want to go on a trip. But the
personal wants that come from deep down in you where you feel the most
vulnerable: I want you to complement me, I want to be affectionate with you, I want
to have a baby with you.
Many of us have grown up feeling ashamed of our wants. However, the more that
you communicate on this level, the more in touch with yourself you will be–the more
authentic you will be as a person–the closer your partner will be able to feel to you.
When you and your partner communicate on this personal level, many of the trivial
issues between you vanish. It becomes apparent that they were merely
inconsequential issues meant to distract you in your relationship.
Finally, talk to your partner with the decency and respect with which you talk to anyone else.
Most people have a special way of communicating that they reserve for their
partners. What makes it special is that it includes abusive behaviors such as: being
complaining, demanding, bossy, irritable, sarcastic, childish, parental,
condescending…to name a few.
When you are talking with your partner, stop and ask yourself: “Would I be talking
like this to anyone else?” Do you hear yourself complaining (I’m so tired!) or
demanding (Get me a drink of water!!) or deferring (What should I order for
dinner?) in ways you never hear yourself with other people?
Try to treat your partner with the respect and decency with which you treat any other
person….after all, your partner is another person.

Step 3: Listening to Your Relationship Partner

Going into a conversation, you have very little awareness of what your partner really
thinks and feels. You may think you do because you recognize an expression that he-
she always gets when he-she is hurt. Or you might have even exchanged some heated
words. But until you have listened to your partner, you know almost nothing.
Listening is a skill that needs to be learned and developed. Just because we hear
does not mean that we are listening. Only when we listen with an unconditional
interest in understanding the person who is talking to us, can we truly get to know
that person.
Listening is not about you.
Listening is entirely about the person you are listening to. Put aside your point of
view. Your thoughts, opinions or reactions to what the other person is saying are
both irrelevant and inappropriate. The person talking is not looking to you for advice
or guidance. What they truly need is to be heard so that they feel that they are being
seen.
Hear your partner out.
When you put yourself aside, that is when you focus on what your partner is saying
rather than on how you are reacting, you are making yourself available to listen to
your partner. As your partner talks, try to sense what it feels like to be him-her.
Try to feel what your partner is experiencing. Empathize. Listen with your heart.
When he-she relates an incident to you, try to feel how he-she felt in the situation.
Make a special effort to empathize with what your partner is currently feeling while
talking with you.
In To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus spoke about empathy when he advised his young
daughter, Scout, to “put on someone’s shoes and walk around for awhile.”
Indicate that you are hearing your partner.
It is not enough to listen silently. It is helpful to indicate to your partner that you are
hearing him-her. During your conversation, reflect what your partner is saying and
feeling. Repeat to him-her what you hear him-her saying and what you feel him-her
feeling.
If your reflection is not accurate, your partner can correct you. You can then make
adjustments until you have a true understanding of what your partner is trying to
communicate to you. Reflecting lets your partner know that he-she is being heard,
which makes him-her feeling seen by you.
Have compassion for your partner.
As you listen to your partner with empathy and feel what he-she feels, you gain
compassion for him-her as a person. You feel for him-her as a human being with
personal pain and struggles like the rest of us.
You gain a new perspective. When you feel for your partner’s issues, your own
personal over-reactions to them seem unimportant. Giving advice or being
judgmental suddenly seems condescending and patronizing. Acting hurt or
victimized suddenly seems childish and self-indulgent. From this perspective, you
see your partner as a separate person who you care about deeply as he-she deals with
his-her own issues in life.

Step 4: Determine Reality with Your Relationship Partner

In the process of talking personally about yourself as your partner truly listened, it is
likely that you both came to a deeper understanding of what you were experiencing
and feeling. Likewise, as your partner talked personally to you with you truly
listening, both of you most likely came to a deeper understanding of your partner’s
experiences and feelings.
This level of insight and understanding along with the feelings of empathy and
compassion that accompany it, help clarify much of the confusion that exists within
the couple. The deeper awareness of each other eliminates many of the
misconceptions, misinterpretations and miscommunications that go into creating
this confusion. What remains is a clearer picture of yourselves and of the reality of
your relationship.
At this point in the conversation, you and your partner may want to review what you
have learned about yourselves and each other and about your relationship. By
discussing what you have learned, you can identify the personal issues and reactions
that tend to lead to trouble between you. You will now know what to look out for to
avoid trouble in the future. And if you do get into trouble with each other, you can
recognize what is happening and deal with it more quickly.

Helpful Advice about Communication

There are several negative forms of communication to be aware of. Make sure that
you are not engaging in any of these because they contaminate the communication
process. As long as you are enlisting these techniques, you can be sure that you and
your partner will become more and more alienated and estranged from each other.
Communication should bring you and your partner closer to each other. It should be
used to break down the barriers that keep you apart, not to build up fortifications
between you.

Intimidation: A Common Relationship Issue

One of the most effective techniques that couples use to manipulate, control and
punish each other is intimidation. According to the dictionary, to intimidate is to
frighten into submission.
Interestingly enough, couples report that the behaviors they are intimidated by are
not those that are overt and aggressive. Rather partners are frightened by the subtle
covert behaviors that leave them feeling guilty and responsible for their mate’s
unhappiness.
During a conversation between a couple, if one partner responds by being miserable,
self-hating or self-destructive, it is virtually impossible for the other partner not to
submit. The conversation is over; the intimidating partner has won.
But in reality, both people have suffered disastrous defeats. The dictionary goes on
to say that to intimidate “implies reduction to a state where the spirit is broken or all
courage is lost.” This certainly defines the emotional state of the partner who has
been frightened into submission. Likewise, the cost to intimidating person is also
high. The intimidating partner must forfeit his-her autonomy, after which his-her
spirit is broken and courage is lost.

Parental or Childish Communicating

Watch out for ways that you might be communicating from a childish or parental
stance. Childish communications involve deferring and submitting, looking for
direction or definition, being servile or subservient, seeking approval and/or
criticism. Parental communications involve directing and dominating, being
condescending and assertive, acting judgmental and critical.
None of these qualities has a place in the communications between two independent
adults in an equal relationship. Be respectful of yourself and respectful of your
partner in the way that you speak to each other.

Non-verbal Communication in Relationships

Non-verbal communication refers to how one’s body language contributes to the
process of communicating feelings and reactions. Non-verbal communication is not
a negative form of communicating. On the contrary, it can be very helpful in trying
to understand what a person is saying.
Sometimes what a person is saying does not coincide with what he-she is
communicating non-verbally. These mixed messages often cause confusion. First
you must acknowledge both messages, even though they conflict. Then you have to
decide which one more accurately communicates what the person is thinking or
feeling. Often the non-verbal message is more truthful.
Many of these mixed messages are communicated in couple relationships. A partner
may say “I love you” throughout the day then behave indifferently and
unaffectionately. A partner may declare interest and concern about his/her mate but
whenever the mate talks about him-herself, the partner actually interrupts or
becomes distracted.
Pay attention to what your actions are saying. Make your actions and words match.
In other words, be truthful in how you communicate both verbally and non-verbally.

6-Step Strategy to Conflict Management:

1. Investigation

Finding out all the facts and being very clear of what the conflict is
about is the most important first step. There should be no blame
pinned on each other at this stage.

2. Choosing one issue

If many issues arise, pick the most pressing issue to work on.

3. Brainstorm for solutions

This stage is where the couple will brainstorm and come up with
possible solutions to the said problem.

4. Agree on a solution

The couple will then decide on the most viable solution and plan
when and how to execute it.

5. Do/Carry out the solution

This is the action through which the couple will actually carry out the
solution plan.

6. Follow-up
The couple will then take time to follow-up and review if the selected
solution works.

Grieger (2015) uses a simple yet effective four-step process with couples handling
troublesome conflict to overcome resolute differences.
  Step 1 – Eliminate relationship disturbances
Firstly, it is vital to remove or at least reduce emotions that will get in the
way of conflict resolution, such as hurt, anger, and resentment.

Otherwise, either side is unlikely to listen patiently and openly to what the other is
saying.

 Step 2 – Commit to a win–win posture

Each party must commit to finding a solution that works equally for both.
One side winning while the other loses is not acceptable. The couple must
remain motivated and open to change.
 Step 3 – Adopt purposeful listening
A win–win solution is more likely when each partner is actively listening to
the other. Each individual knows what a win looks like for themselves but
now must purposefully listen to the other, avoiding censorship or judgment.

Once both have a shared understanding, a win–win solution is possible.

 Step 4 – Practice synergistic brainstorming

The couple can progress toward identifying a workable resolution, having
removed any emotional contamination, adopted a win–win mindset, and
fully committed to a win for both.

The couple can share ideas, hopes, needs, goals, and concerns until finding a
solution that satisfies both of them.

Conflict Resolution Tips

1. Directly Express Your Problems

Couples who are having issues may resort to a behavior that avoids
the problem itself. For example, a partner who acts depressed or
sad may use that as an expression, instead of directly stating their
concern. The same thing applies to a partner who retaliates with
anger or annoyance; their response side-steps the problem at hand,
creating more confusion for both parties. In order to find a
resolution, couples must directly express what's bothering them in
a firm and honest matter. Once the issue is out in the open, a real
plan of action can be put into place.

2. Don't Blame Your Partner

Putting the blame on someone for a problem that both people are
experiencing never leads to a viable solution. Instead, the one
taking the blame will feel attacked, forcing them to respond to the
blame, rather than the problem at hand. A scenario that explains
this pitfall is when a partner says, "You're crazy for thinking that!"
Immediately, the blame is shifted away from the issue, which could
be the fear of being cheated on, and now the other partner will go
on the defensive: "I'm crazy? You're the one who's crazy!" Note that
the original problem has now become secondary to the blame. To
avoid this pattern, it's better to respond with "I feel"
statements that keep the main point at the center of the
discussion. By saying, "I feel that you're being crazy to think that I
would cheat on you," removes the blame from the partner, while
keeping the heart of the argument intact. This approach will lead to
a better communication that honors the feelings of each partner
without putting them down.

3. Stick to One Argument at a Time

In addition to removing blame, it's important to maintain one

argument at a time. Unfortunately, when couples fight, it's easy to
start lumping together multiple issues into one massive blowout.
When this happens, the ability to solve one problem gets lost in the
shuffle of trying to solve many problems, which in turn causes an
argument to go nowhere. Couples who can stick to one argument
have a much better chance of finding one solution. This approach
allows for an attitude of patience and understanding, giving each
partner the time to process their feelings and come up with the
right answers together before moving onto to something else.

4. Communication is Key

It may sound like a broken record, but healthy communication

between partners is the bedrock of any successful relationship.
Within this idea lies an umbrella of listening and response skills that
provide guidance for couples when arguments start to ensue or
differences begin to surface. For example, one must really pay
attention to the issues or feelings that their partner is sharing. This
form of listening can be followed up with questions or personal
identifiers to make sure that one is understanding what is being
said. If a partner is laid back in their reciprocity or preoccupied with
other matters, the overall communication will never develop into
something beneficial. Using a form of active
listening and perception checks will eliminate misunderstandings
and provide a strong foundation for alleviating future conflicts.

5. Be Open Minded
Finally, couples who can remain open minded throughout their
issues are more likely to find peaceful resolutions that serve the
interests of both parties. Getting caught up on one side of the
argument doesn't allow for any flexibility with understanding the
other's concerns, so as a conflict grows, the odds of meeting in the
middle are highly diminished. To combat this dysfunction, partners
must learn to rationalize an argument from an objective standpoint.
They must remove their ego and consider both sides of the coin
without bias or personal gain. Operating within this mode will allow
for a reasonable discussion, as well as having the openness to
accept the other partner's standpoint. When couples can be open-
minded and objective, they are well-suited to handle a variety of
issues.

5 Helpful Strategies for Couples & Married People

Conflict can become an unhealthy habit, leading to a repeating pattern of one or
both partners consistently feeling they have lost (Grieger, 2015).

It’s important to consider what brought the couple together in the first place and
what they can do more or less of to show their love and understand one another
better going forward.

Launching and landing rituals

Heading out to work, school, or the store is described as launching, a time when
one partner leaves the relationship world for the non-relationship world (Tatkin,
2012).

Launchings and landings (returning to the relationship) can be an opportunity for

conflict or the perfect chance to build healthy relationship-building habits.

Ask yourself or your client:

 Do you run out the door?

 Do you give a lingering kiss and share a moment?
 Do you return, slamming the door as you come in and ask what’s for
dinner?
 Do you walk in with a smile and a funny story to tell?

What is right for one couple may not be for the next. It is essential to consider the
message sent by each partner’s behavior. An enjoyable farewell and return can, in
time, improve connections and reduce the risk of conflict.
Blueprint for love
Caddell (2013) describes the importance of building a blueprint for love. Conflict
often arises from misunderstandings or a failure to consider the other’s needs and
wishes.

Understanding what a loving relationship looks like to your partner may make it
easier to recognize what upsets or frustrates them.

Use the Blueprint for Love worksheet to reflect on how a relationship’s blueprint
for love might look.

The exercise begins by asking the client to think of a couple from their past who
had a loving relationship. It may be their parents, or they can choose two other
people who showed love, acceptance, and caring for one another. Then the person
considers what they are looking for in a relationship.

Nothing swept under the rug

Conflict is often unavoidable and sometimes outside of our control. However, how
we respond to disagreements, harsh words, and arguments is.

Tatkin (2012, p. 155) suggests couples should adopt the “policy never to avoid
anything, no matter how difficult.” Not leaving things to fester and returning at a
later date requires paying attention to one another and recognizing what is sensitive
for the other person.

Aim to discuss and agree on a mutually beneficial outcome as soon as possible

after an issue occurs. If that’s not possible, then agree when it can be discussed.

Revisiting the past

Sometimes couples forget what they saw in each other when they first met. Instead,
they become wrapped up in repeating patterns of arguing, disagreements, and
conflict.

Revisiting the past can serve as a helpful reminder of what is good about a couple
and review why they are together (Williams, 2012).

Ask the couple to consider and discuss the following relationship therapy
questions:

 What made you fall in love with each other?

 What were your early years like together?
 How were things better then?
 How are things better now?
 How do you currently show your partner that you care?
 What does your partner do that makes you feel loved?
 What caring behaviors can you do more of or start?
Focus on good communication
Clear, open, and complete dialogue is crucial to a successful relationship and
reducing conflict. Sharing and understanding are best achieved when we are not
projecting our own beliefs about a partner or what they are going to say but
genuinely paying attention to verbal and nonverbal behavior (Hannah, Luquet,
Hendrix, Hunt, & Mason, 2005).

Effective listening takes practice. Focus on your partner, what they have to say,
and how they act; do not divide attention by looking at your phone or people
passing by. Hear what they are saying and how they say it, rather than attending to
your own thoughts. And crucially, be comfortable with moments of silence and
practice nonjudgment.

Common Conflicts in marriage – Take the bull by

its horns
Conflict in marriage is not the culprit.

Consider conflict as an opportunity to bring into isolation the pressing issues that
are affecting the harmony of your marriage. Manage these disagreements as a
team and work towards evolving as married partners. Do not hope for a marriage
conflict resolution to happen on its own. Deal with it. Stalling is not advisable and
autocorrect is not an option available.

If you have entered the bond of marriage recently and are yet to discover the post-
honeymoon disappointments, you can avert the possible future conflicts and the
magnitude of damage.

Or, if you and your partner have been struggling to breathe in some happiness and
peace into a marriage full of conflicts, now is the best time to fix the broken
marriage and turn a new leaf in your exciting journey of the marital bond.

Causes of common conflicts in marriage – Don’t miss these red flags, resolve
them

1. Unmet expectations – unreasonable expectations

Expectations – both unmet and sometimes unreasonable, often give a rise to major
conflicts in a marriage.

One partner assumes the other to be a mind reader and to be sharing same
expectations. Frustration creeps in sneakily when things and events don’t go the
way we expected them to roll out.

Partners lash out at their spouses over a tussle on lifestyle choices, staycation vs.
vacation, budgeting vs. living it up, grousing over lack of appreciation, family
expectations, sharing household chores or even about not supporting their career
choices in ways imagined by the upset spouse.

 Reaching a middle ground, a common consensus is not something that

comes organically to a couple. It takes practice and a conscious effort to
ensure that you don’t burn the bridges with your spouse, especially in a
marriage. But you would want to do it and save yourself some serious
heartburn and a lingering, debilitating bitterness in marriage.

2. Conflicting standpoints on the subject of

children
Children are a lovely addition to a family. But the same children, who are looked at
as an extension of yourself can be the escalation point for some serious marital
conflict. One spouse may experience a strong need to extend the family, while the
other spouse may want to stall it for a time when they feel they have a stronger
financial stability.

Parenting has its share of challenges, and there could be conflicting views over
schooling, saving for the future education, drawing a line between what is a
necessary, non-negotiable childbearing expenditure over what’s superfluous.

 While both parents wish the best for the child, there is a need to take a
purview of other household liabilities, child’s best interests, contingency
funds, a scope for augmentation of family income.

Also, a little kindness with which you look at your spouse’s intentions to provide
the best for your child helps. Easier said than done, in the heat of the argument,
you say? But definitely worth a shot for marital bliss and a conducive environment
for your child.

3. Inability to manage marriage finances

Issues centered around marriage finances, if unresolved can shake the foundation
of the most stable marriages.

A marriage can derail because of money issues and lead straight up to a

divorce! According to a study, it is corroborated that 22% of the divorces are
attributed to marriage finances, close to the heels of reasons like infidelity and
incompatibility.

Not making a full disclosure to your partner about your financial situation, going
over the top on wedding day celebration, alimony or a child support situation from
a previous marriage are major culprits in putting a strain on your marriage.

A difference in temperament with respect to one partner being a frugal or other a

big spender, a major shift in financial priorities and preferences, and a seething
sense of resentment of a working spouse towards the non-working, non-
contributive, financially dependent spouse also leads to conflict in marriage.

 If you sense that you and your partner have a disparate set of financial goals
or there are serious discrepancies in your spending habits, then the best way
out is to keep a budgeting journal handy. And as a thumb rule, do not keep
secrets! Like all good habits that are difficult to cultivate but easy to
maintain, these two habits will yield long-term benefits in your marriage and
help you resolve conflict in marriage.
4. Allocation of time to marriage and personal
pursuits
After the wedding day extravaganza and honeymoon bliss, comes the knocking
reality of married life.

You have the same 24 hours as you had when you were unattached or single, but
how do you now allocate time to yourself, career, personal hobbies, friends, family
and the latest addition to your life – your spouse. And since you have been
dispensed with the unsolicited, but useful advice by your friends and family –
marriage needs work, you also have the challenging task of nurturing your
marriage with your spouse in the best possible way.

Exhausting much, did you say?

 Marriage comes with its KRAs – Key Responsibility Areas. But don’t make
it a drudgery in your head.

Take respective ownership for your share of household work, pursue your
individual interests and encourage your spouse to do likewise, elaborating on
benefits of maintaining constructive hobbies. Build an equation with your spouse
in the most devoted manner, by spending exclusive time with your partner,
notwithstanding the length.

You don’t need to crane your neck entire day glued to your phone or spend all day
gawking at each other like a mushball. Keep the phone and other forms of
distractions at bay. Listen to your spouse attentively, share interesting anecdotes,
and maintain an intermittent, reasonably timed communication spread over a
course of a day.

5.Lack of sexual compatibility

Misaligned sexual drives, where you experience a stronger urge to have sex more
frequently, as opposed to your less inclined spouse, can throw a wedge between
you and your partner.

Work stress, household responsibilities, poor body confidence, intimacy inhibitions

and lack of honest sexual communication are some serious, pressing issues that
lead to conflict in marriage. When you scratch the surface, you see that building an
emotional intimacy with your spouse and embracing other forms of intimacy are
paramount to enjoying sexual closeness and bonding with your partner.
  The importance of scheduling sex and going for weekly date nights cannot
be stressed enough. Sharing an open-ended dialogue with your spouse really
helps. Cuddling up with your partner and going over your sexual desires,
fantasies and vocalizing your sincere attempts at satiating your partner’s
sexual needs builds the right prelude to establishing a sexual compatibility
with your spouse.

6. Breakdown in communication
Do you find yourself saying things that you regret later and wish you had best
avoided? And if you are not the confrontational type and believe in letting things
be, you will find this seething, simmering passive aggression catch up with you
like a nemesis. It will explode in your face in form of one ugly showdown with
your spouse.

Both ways you set yourself up for a relationship disaster.

Silent treatment, resistance to your spouse’s standpoint and choices, passive-

aggressive behaviour, selection of an inappropriate time and place to hold the
conversation, and a sense of threat in your voice – all contribute to conflict in
marriage.
  How do you resolve a conflict in marriage when there are so many
impediments to a free-flowing communication in marriage?
Approach communication in marriage with a problem-solving attitude. Do
not try to drive home a point, defensively. Recognize and acknowledge your
part in the conflict. Seek clarification only after you have listened attentively
to your spouse. Expectation settings are a great way to avoid
misunderstandings.

Do not resort to stonewalling or shutting down. At most, take a short break to

collect and process the series of events and your thoughts. Non-verbal
communications cues go a long way in cementing your bond with your spouse. An
approving nod and a relaxed body posture demonstrate your willingness for an
open-ended, relationship conducive dialogue.

Finally, it is important to bring into discussion the absolute non-negotiables.

Determine your deal-breakers that are crucial to marital bliss.

7. Mismatched dynamics and imbalanced

powerplay in personalities
In a marriage, both spouses are equal counterparts. But often times, this notion is
relegated to being a utopian concept. Couples often have radically mismatched
dynamics, where one of the partners could be a domineering spouse and the other
submissive partner in such an equation, invariably ends up colluding as a caretaker
to their spouse. This subsequently leads to a resentful build up and an unfair,
unhealthy powerplay, making a marriage fall apart.

In such a lopsided spousal equation, there is an imperative need for marital

counseling. A marriage counselor can help put things into perspective for both the
parties involved. A marriage therapist can bring the subservient partner to
understand the importance of being assertive and respectful of themselves.

Additionally, they will shed light on the damage, known or otherwise, the
manipulative or an abusive partner brings onto their harried partner. On the
realization, the counseling can then progress towards the corrective measures to
resolve conflict in marriage and resurrect the relationship.

Other types of marital conflict

Problems arising due to ‘living apart but together’ situation in marriage,
incompatibility, perceived irreconcilable differences and love lost between the
couples who grew apart, over a course of time – account for reasons attributing to
the conflict in marriages.

However, if the couple feels a strong sense of willingness and exhibits an equally
strong level of effort to be together, then it’s an easier journey to traverse, towards
conflict resolution in marriage.

Conflicted marriage doesn’t need to be your reality

One such shining example is that of Prince William and Catherine Elizabeth
Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, who met as undergraduates at Scotland’s St.
Andrews University and went public about their relationship in 2004. By March
2007, the couple took a break before their final exams at St.Andrews. Media
pressure and the stress to perform well at their academics took a temporary toll on
their relationship and they decided to split. They got back together four months
later, and by April 2011, the royal couple had exchanged marriage vows. Their
relationship is a glorious example to take a leaf from, for couples at the onset of
getting married. The conflict in their relationship did not become a prelude to a
conflicted marriage.

Also watch: What Is a Relationship Conflict?

Continue the pursuit of keeping your marriage

happy
Dr. Gottman’s research suggests that 69% of conflicts in a marriage can be
managed successfully, even as reaching a 100% conflict resolution sounds like a
lofty goal. Treating your partner as an equal goes a long way in acceptance of the
mutual differences, de-escalating damage, salvaging the relationship and helping
couples wrap their heads around agreeing to disagree.
When chips are down in a marriage, don’t give up, just because it’s too much hard
work. You got together in first place to build a happy space for yourself and your
spouse. You stumble, but rise together, hand in hand – that’s the quintessence of a
happy marriage. And, you don’t enter a happy marriage, you work to make your
marriage happy.

Marriage is a beginning, keeping together a progress and continually working

together a success!

When things are not a sunny side up in your marriage, and you are looking for an
inspiration and an impetus to save your marriage, read on marriage quotes with
your spouse alongside, to build a happy marriage together.
Moving towards collaboration
The big question, of course, is how you can move towards
collaboration, especially if you have already established a pattern
of fighting. There are a few ideas that will help:

1. Talk before you are angry and agree a strategy

Managing conflict requires a commitment from both of you. Talk beforehand

about how you would like to manage disagreements, and also agree that you will
help each other to do that.
You may find it helpful to talk about how you behave when you are angry, and
support each other to manage that. For example, if one of you becomes angry
very quickly, it may be helpful for the other to propose waiting until later to talk.

You may find our pages on Anger and Anger Management helpful.
2. Stop focusing on things that don’t really matter

There is a saying ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’. It means that you should focus on
what matters, and not worry about the things that really don’t matter all that
much.

Living with someone else requires compromise.

A good place to start is with the ‘small stuff’: minor and one-off infringements of
your shared ‘rules’. These are often not deliberate, but the result of your partner
being tired, or simply getting distracted. It is not worth getting angry about these
—until or unless they become regular, or a ‘big thing’ that really bothers you.

Of course if they do become regular, or are really irritating you, it is worth

mentioning them—but nicely, not angrily.

3. Don’t make personal attacks

When you are angry, it is tempting to attack someone in a way that you know will
hurt. In particular, make a personal attack on their morals, values or beliefs.

However, it is important to avoid this with your partner.

Words said in anger may be hard to forget or forgive, however much you want
to do so. Instead, remember the ‘rules of feedback’ and focus on their behaviour,
and crucially, its effect on you.

4. Walk away when you are angry

Get into a habit of not discussing issues when you are angry. Say something like:

“I can’t talk now, I’m just too angry. Please let’s talk about this later when I’ve calmed
down.”

Then walk away, and go off somewhere to calm down.

5. Don’t try to discuss difficult things when you are tired and/or
hungry

We are all more likely to be grumpy and difficult when we are tired or hungry. It
is human nature. Avoid having difficult conversations at difficult times. Instead,
find a time when you are both relaxed and comfortable, and the conversations
are less likely to escalate into an argument. Some people prefer to go out for a
walk, and others find time at home is better: try things out and see what works
best for you.

There is more about this in our pages on Giving Feedback to Partners and Having
Difficult Conversations with your Partner.

6. Always be prepared to apologise

You may feel that you were in the right. You may even have been in the right.

Being prepared to apologise for the way that your partner feels, however, will go
a long way towards ensuring that they feel they have been heard, and that you
understand their concerns. This is especially true if, despite your best intentions,
you ended up shouting at each other.

Apologising doesn’t mean you have to accept that you were wrong.

It means saying that you are sorry that there was a disagreement, and you are
sorry that your partner is upset, and that you are committed to finding a way
forward that works for you both.

See our page: Apologising | Saying Sorry for more.

7. Listen and discuss

Be prepared to listen to your partner. Don’t just repeatedly explain your own
point of view or you will end up fighting again. Building a compromise or a
collaborative solution requires real understanding of what is important to them,
and why, and a discussion that shares viewpoints and opinions constructively.

You may find our pages on Listening Skills helpful.

8. Don’t make assumptions

It is very easy to make assumptions about what your partner meant when they
said x or y, or what is behind a particular piece of behaviour.

However, try to resist the temptation.

Instead of assuming, try asking them what they meant, or why they behaved that
way, or said whatever it was—and then really listen to what they say in
response. This will help you to understand each other better.
2 Approaches to Managing
Money Together
Both of these approaches to couples finance are about managing everything jointly. One
person may pay the bills, and move money in accordance with what you both agree upon;
however, all income is combined into one shared resource.

1. The “What’s Yours is Mine: Approach:

Combine everything. You will have one main account where everything gets deposited and
from which things are paid that you both have access to. You may have additional accounts
for savings, but again you both have access to these accounts. You may each have employer
sponsored retirement accounts, but the money you are saving and your investment strategies
are specific to your household’s goals.

2. The “Act as If” Approach:

This is a variation of the “What’s Yours is Mine Approach.” In this approach you still
combine everything as a resource for the couple as a whole. The main difference is that you
“act as if” there is only one income to the couple. So, you set up your life to live on one
person’s income. So, one person’s income is put into an account and all bills of the couple are
paid from that account. The other person’s income is put into a separate account and can be
used for big goals of the couple (i.e. pay down debt faster, increase emergency savings,
investing, or fun, big goals such as trips, purchasing a second home, etc.).
This approach to managing money together can be very meaningful for couples that have one
partner with inconsistent income. It is beneficial for couples who plan to only have one wage
earner in the future (i.e. couples who have a goal of one person leaving their current
profession).

4 Approaches to Managing
Money Separately
Some couples choose to manage money separately. Reasons I’ve heard for managing money
separately include, not being able to effectively manage money with a previous partner,
reluctance to share realities of finance, not wanting to be financially entangled, and more. If
you want to manage your couples finance separately, here are four approaches or frameworks
that can be effective:

3. The “We are Equals” Approach:

You keep most income and expenses separate; however, you have one joint account and pay
for all joint expenses 50/50. You both have your own savings accounts and retirement
accounts and you manage those as individuals, not for the household.

4. The “According to Earnings” Approach:

You most income and expenses separate; however, you have one joint account and pay for all
joint expenses according to the percentage of your earnings. If one of you earns 60% of your
combined total income, that person would pay 60% of the joint expenses. So, that person
deposits enough into the joint account to pay for 60% of the joint expenses and the other
person contributes an amount equal to 40% of the total expenses.

5. The “Pick your Bill” Approach:

You maintain everything separately. There is no joint account, and on a bill-by-bill level you
select who will pay each bill you have. You ensure everything gets paid and each person has
selective responsibility for certain things. You may try to set this up so that it comes out to
close to 50/50 or according to earnings; however, from month-to-month it may vary as bills
vary in amount.

6. The “I’ve got it” Approach:

One person pays for everything. This is really for couples where one person makes
significantly more than the other and it’s appropriate as a couple that the second person gets
to maintain the income that they make separately and aren’t responsible for any of the day-to-
day bills. The way this is different from managing money together, is that the second person
may not have as much insight or transparency into the finances of the person saying “I’ve got
it.”

The 10 Emotional Needs

There are 10 emotional needs. Some are stereotypically associated with women,
and some are stereotypically associated with men.
Today, that concept triggers some folks. As I describe these emotional needs and
who usually has that need, I ask that you understand it is based on science. Not
social theory. Not feelings. Studies and science.
It doesn’t matter which ones you associate with. What does matter is that you
identify with the ones that help you feel a special sense of love. As I discuss each
one, I will refer to the sex that typically identifies with that need. Use this just as a
reference, not an absolute.

As you read about these 10 emotional needs, please be aware that at the end of this
article, I will provide an exercise where you will select your top 5 emotional
needs. Dr. Harley, Jr. has found that the top five emotional needs are the most
important. Continuing to rank the remaining 5 do little to help a marriage.

Let’s get started.

The 10 emotional needs are:

1. 1 Affection
2. 2 Sexual Fulfillment
3. 3 Intimate Conversation
4. 4 Recreational Companionship
5. 5 Honesty and Openness
6. 6 Physical Attraction
7. 7 Financial Support
8. 8 Domestic Support
9. 9 Family Commitment
10.10

Admiration
Affection
Affection is the expression of caring. When you are shown affection by your
partner, you feel that your partner cares about you. You feel secure. You feel
comforted.

From “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. page 37:
“To most women, affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval,
vitally important commodities in their eyes. When a husband shows his wife
affection, he sends the following messages:

I care about you.

You are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.
I’m concerned about the problems you face and I’ll try to help you overcome them.

…Men need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations.”

Many men try to show affection to their wife with sex. No. Sex is sex. Affection is
non-sexual. Any hug, kiss, or physical touch that is sexual in nature, or intended to
lead to sex, is not affection. I'll talk more about sex later.

Affection is very closely related to the 5 Love Languages popularized by Dr. Gary
Chapman. When you show love to your partner in the language they prefer, you
are showing affection.

If your partner has a need for affection, what can you do to provide them a feeling
a security and comfort in a non-sexual way?
Sexual Fulfillment
Sex is most often associated as a need for men. Today however, more women are
reporting a similarly strong need for sex. A partner can feel cheated in a marriage
because they don't get enough sex. For a partner with a strong need for sex, it is
nearly as important as the air they breathe. Without sex, one can feel unloved.
When feeling unloved a partner can do very bad things.

Men often do not understand the relationship between affection and sex. They want
sex, but forget about giving affection first. Sex and affection are highly inter-
related.

When a man gives ample affection to his wife, she is far more likely to be in the
mood for sex.
If you have sexual fantasies, that is a good indicator that sex is high on your list of
emotional needs.
As I said earlier, women can also have very high sex needs. Sometimes, it is the
woman who is the sexual aggressor in a marriage. That is OK.

When sex is a high emotional need, it is beneficial for both partners to educate
themselves in the art of sex. Boring sex is a drag. It can take all the fun of sex out
of it. If either partner isn’t into it, the other partner will know. If a woman likes to
get a rose now and then, she wouldn’t like him to throw it on the table and say
“Here’s your damn flower.” Likewise, if he or she just goes through the motions,
the more sexually aggressive partner will sense it and not receive the love they
could have received from sex.

If a man wants more sex, he has to give his woman more affection, all the time. He
can have fun with this. He can be creative in when and how he gives affection, and
she can get creative in the bedroom, or wherever. When the wife wants more sex
but is turned away by the husband, she needs to get creative in finding out what is
causing his sexual shyness.

A man thrives on making his wife happy. Likewise, when a woman has a strong
need for sex, she also wants to make her man happy. Full participation in
lovemaking is essential. I’ll get more into lovemaking versus just sex in another
article.
Intimate Conversations
Intimate conversation is the next step beyond normal, everyday conversation.
Intimate conversation is personal. It reveals feelings, concerns, cares and is often
emotional. Intimate conversation often occurs while dating, and then drops off
after marriage. Most women not only crave intimate conversation, but they need it.
Men tend to not need it as much, nor enjoy talking intimately after marriage.

Intimate conversation does not take place when one partner is distracted by the TV,
radio, or something else. Intimate conversation is dedicated time set aside for the
exclusive purpose of connecting about the day, problems, achievements, dreams,
fears, and goals. Dr. Harley, Jr. recommends 15 hours of such conversation each
and every week. While that may sound difficult, it is a sound way to develop a
happy marriage.

If you are familiar with the concept of the Love Bank, intimate conversation is a
great way to make love bank deposits. Men need to understand this and develop
intimate conversation skills.

For those with a need for intimate conversation will fall in love with someone who
can have such a conversation with them. They will stay in love with the person
who continues to have an intimate conversation.
Recreational Companionship
It is fun to share your preferred recreational activities with your partner. Men will
often enjoy playing tennis, softball, soccer, or go on hikes and other adventures.
While dating, both parties try to do as many things as possible together, whether
they like the activity or not. They enjoy spending time with their love. Once
married, however, couples have a tendency to only do the activities they enjoy,
often letting their partner spend an inordinate amount of time doing activities solo
or with other friends. This separation of activities is a dangerous practice.

Marriage coaches often hear from one partner that the other partner changed. We
hear that before marriage they used to do all kinds of things together, but not now.

Men are the ones usually wanting to do recreational activities. It is a real bonus
when his wife participates in the activity or supports him from the sideline.
Women also love to do activities and would love to have her husband join her.
When they each stop doing activities together, each is making a conscious decision
to not support their partner. It is a bad decision.

Recreational companionship combines two needs into one – that of recreation and
companionship.

The answer is one that takes a little work and a lot of compromises. You need to
find recreational activities you both enjoy doing. Yes, that means one or both of
you may have to stop doing a preferred activity. This is a decision you are making
for the betterment of the marriage. You may have to try several different activities
before you find one or two you both like. The result is that you and your partner
will be spending more time together. This will be time to talk, share experiences,
and enjoy life together.
Honesty and Openness
Honesty and openness give us a sense of security. When a partner shares their
innermost thoughts and feelings, becoming vulnerable, they give a precious gift to
their partner. It is no surprise that women tend to need honesty and openness more
than men.

If you feel especially loved when your partner shares their soul with you,
becoming vulnerable, you have a need for honesty and openness.

Tied to intimate conversation, honesty and openness take the need to a whole new
level covering many topics. Very simply, there can be no secrets between husband
and wife. Anytime I come across a partner talking about their privacy and needing
their own space, I know the marriage is in serious trouble. They are trying to hide
something, past, present, or future. Such secrets drive a wedge between the
partners. How can any person fully trust another person when there are secrets?

Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. suggests a policy of radical honesty. Radical honesty
includes:

1. 1

Emotional Honesty – reveal your thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes,

especially regarding your spouse’s behavior.

2. 2

Historical Honesty – reveal everything about your past, especially as it

pertains to your weaknesses and failures.

3. 3

Current Honesty – reveal information about your day, calendar, and

activities, especially anything that pertains to your partner.

4. 4

Future Honesty – reveal full details about your future plans and goals.
Such honesty is rare today. When we date we tend to put our best face forward.
That’s fine for an initial meeting, but afterward, you cannot continue misleading
your potential partner. If you married this person and still have secrets or things
you don’t want them to know, now is the time to share that information. Simply by
holding back, your partner knows there is something. That uncertainty leads to
questions and doubt. Doubt and uncertainty have a way of building walls between
people. The only solution is radical honesty.
Physical Attraction
It is well known that men are more visual creatures. Yes, this means that men tend
to have the need to be around their wife who looks beautiful in their eyes. I know,
it is not politically or culturally correct. Men shouldn’t think that way, you may
say. The fact remains we live in the real world and this is an innate need for many
men, and women also.

Ladies, if you are having an issue with this particular need, I ask you to be honest.
When you go out on a date with your man to a special place, don’t you like it when
he cleans up, shaves, and puts on a nice set of freshly pressed clothes? Doesn’t it
make you feel special that you are with such a handsome man?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You may have a need to be with someone you
find physically attractive. What is physically attractive to you? What you find
attractive, someone else may not. All that matters are what you find attractive, and
your partner makes a serious effort to look attractive for you.

What is beauty? Some may suggest the following:

 Weight
 Clothes
 Hair Style
 Make-up or the Lack of it
 Shoes
 Hygiene
 Smell

When we do our best to look good with how we are, we are giving a special gift to
our partner. If you have a need for your partner to be physically attractive, you
need to be radically honest with your partner. When both of you have the same
understanding, you will both feel loved.
Financial Support
What do you expect financially from your spouse? Do you have plans financially
that depends on your spouse earning a certain amount or higher? Do you expect
your spouse to work when you will not be working? All of these expectations need
to be shared with your partner. It is no surprise that women often have an
emotional need for financial support, even when they work or earn more than the
husband.

Today, women are far more independent than they ever have been. The actual need
for a man is less than it ever has been. Many women earn more than their male
spouse. Even if that is the case, what are the expectations? Women tend to like a
man that can provide, or at least participate financially.

If a couple is planning to raise children, the expectations on the husband increase

dramatically. If they dream of owning a house or fixing up where they live,
financial demands can increase. If they like driving nice cars, the same applies.
There are many areas where financial matters are very relevant. Discussions in
these areas are best done early and often.
Domestic Support
Dr. Harley, Jr. puts it well: “The need for domestic support is a time bomb.”
There was a time when it was expected that the man would earn the money to
support the household, and the woman would raise the children and keep the house
clean. Today with many women working a full or part-time job, having to raise the
children and keep the house clean is an undue burden. Yet, there are still many
men who want to put in their time at work and come home to relax, having dinner
waiting for them.

When children arrive, the need for domestic support changes radically. The fact
is, we do not live in the 1950’s any longer and cooperation in taking care of the
children and household are mandatory.

Consider the following actions:

1. 1

Identify all household responsibilities. Both partners must agree on the

list of duties.

2. 2

Assume responsibilities for specified tasks. From the master list, each
partner agrees to do the tasks they wish to take on.

3. 3

Assign the remaining tasks. Both partners agree to who will do what and
when they are to be completed.

4. 4

Each spouse indicates which duties they would like help with. Some tasks
are best done together or with the help of the other spouse.

5. 5

Each partner helps the other spouse with other tasks. Love units are
earned by giving help where your help is volunteered and appreciated.
Family Commitment
Family commitment is not child care. Family commitment is the active
participation in the raising of the children with their moral and educational
needs. Many women need help from the father to properly raise their children.
Some of the help includes:

 Meals together as a family

 Attending church services together

 Playing board games together

 Reading to the children at bedtime

 Teaching the children about finances

 Planning and participating in family day trips

 Playing sports with the children

Parenting takes a lot of time and training. Schedules need to be adjusted for family
events. Parents may need to take classes or read how to raise the children. Some of
the key areas include:

1. 1

Learn how to reach an agreement with your spouse. The two of you must
be on the same page when it comes to the children.

2. 2

Learn how to explain the rules to the children. No one parent should be
the preferred or good parent when it comes to the children.

3. 3

Learn how to be consistent. Don’t let the mood of either parent allow
rules to be broken or swayed. This can pit one parent against the other.
Children will learn how to leverage a parent.

4. 4
 Learn how to punish properly and fairly. Spanking can be appropriate
when done properly. Corporal punishment can be excessive, especially as
the child grows up.

5. 5

Learn how to handle anger. Never punish a child when in the state of
anger. Develop the skills of emotional intelligence to recognize when you
start becoming angry and act accordingly.

Admiration
Kind words and recognition for your efforts can make serious love unit deposits for
someone who needs admiration. Most often, men need admiration. Just as kind
words can make serious love unit deposits, harsh words and criticism make serious
withdrawals.

Men are often driven to achieve, accomplish, and succeed. Men like to hear they
are doing well. They like to hear that their efforts are appreciated. I was listening to
a Dr. John Gray interview recently, and he was elaborating on how important it is
for a woman to show admiration to her man. Even when they are experiencing
difficulties, sincere compliments go a long way. When a man hears his wife say
something positive about him in front of neighbors or friends, he gets serious love
unit deposits.

Dr. Gottman is well known for his writings about the 4 horsemen of the
apocalypse. These are 4 actions that destroy a marriage and lead to divorce. One of
them is criticism. Many people confuse criticism with a complaint. A complaint is
when you might say “Honey, you said you would take the trash out today. We’re
ready to go to bed and the trash is still in the house.” Criticism makes it personal.
A criticism sounds like this: “You are worthless. You promised to take the trash
out and you didn’t. Why can’t you do anything you say. You’re a liar.”

In relation to the 5 Love Needs, the need for admiration is similar to Words of
Affirmation. Kind words heal. Harsh words hurt. When we feel pain from our
partner it may seem OK to use harsh words. Nothing could be further from the
truth. Every harsh word causes a withdrawal in the love bank. Enough harsh words
cause a negative balance. When the love bank goes into the negative the marriage
is in serious jeopardy. We control the words we use. We make the choice to make
deposits or withdrawals.

Determine Your Emotional Needs

The way to determine your emotional needs is to first read the descriptions above
and make a list that you think are your 10 emotional needs, prioritized from 1 to
10. Now, imagine you could only have 1 of these needs. Take a look at number 1
and number 2. Make a mark next to the one that would help you feel more loved.
Then look at number 2 and number 3. Make a mark next to the one that would help
you feel most loved. Continue down the list for all 10. Make sure the last
comparison is between number 10 and number 1, so that all 10 get an equal
comparison.

The next step is to imagine you can have 2 of the emotional needs. This time look
at the first 4 needs and place a mark next to the 2 you most associate with. Then,
look at 2 through 5 and place a mark next to the 2 you most need. Then 3 through 6
going through the entire list placing a mark next to the 2 you feel would most help
you feel loved. Like before, make sure the last comparison is between number 10
and number 3.

Now, count up all the marks. The 5 with the most marks are your 5 emotional
needs. Now rank them from 1 to 5 according to the ones with the most marks to
the least marks.

Conclusion
Doing this exercise can TRANSFORM your marriage. When it comes to personal
needs, we often do not have proper words to describe them. This exercise provides
you with terms you can now discuss with your partner.
In my coaching programs I continue this exercise and coach you how to tie these
needs into your everyday life. The emotional needs covers the middle tier of the 13
Personal Needs. In addition to the emotional needs, you have love needs and
human needs.
I often talk about how important it is to get to the root cause of a problem and not
deal with the surface issues. Your 13 Personal Needs are often the root cause of
problems you experience in life and your marriage. ALL marriage problems are
rooted in the marriage foundation.
1.
What do you appreciate most about your partner?

2. What do you value about your relationship?

3. Are you on the same page about children? How many children do you
want to have?

4. How do you relate to your family? How do you relate to your partner’s
family?
5. How do you imagine relating to your family of origin when you have
your own family?

6. How will you manage your money and household finances (joint or
separate)?

7. How do you feel about saving money and investing?

8. How will you raise or educate your children?

9. How important is your sexual relationship? What are your expectations

around intimacy and sex?
10.How do you want your spouse to express love and affection?
11.What are your ideas around division of household chores?

12.What is your relationship with money? What are your feelings about
having or managing debt?

13.How will you prioritize your careers in relation to your family and
marriage?

14.How do you deal with conflict that can not be resolved?

15.What are your expectations or boundaries around relationships

outside of the marriage such as friendships or co-worker relationships?
16.What makes you compatible for marriage?

17.Why is marriage important to you and your relationship?

18.What does marriage and commitment mean to you?

19.What does betrayal and infidelity mean to you?

20.Where do you for see yourselves living and creating your life?

21.How do you feel about religion? How important are your religious
beliefs or spiritual beliefs to you?

22.How will you practice your religion or spirituality? Will you raise your
children in your religion or spiritual tradition?

23.What are your deal breakers? What do you expect from your husband or
wife?
24.What type of support do you expect from your husband or wife in
marriage? (personally, financially, and emotionally)

25.How will you support your husband or wife? If you choose to have
children how will you support them?

26.How do expect to interact with your friends as a married couple?

27.Do you agree with your partner’s lifestyle choices (health, diet,
exercise, use of substances, sleeping habits, activities, hobbies, and
professional drive/achievement)

28.How will you include your spouse in making important or personal

decisions?

29.How will you maintain your personal identity within the marriage? How
much time do you expect to spend with each other? How will you
spend your free time together and apart?

30.How do you feel about spending money? How compatible are your
spending habits?

31.What are your individual core values? How do your partners core values
align with yours?

32.How do you define a happy, loving, and fulfilling marriage?

33.Who are your positive relationship role models for marriage? Whose
marriage do you admire and why?

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Home › Marriage Advice › Married Life › Relationship Advice & Tips

13 Easy Ways to Show Your Affection

in a Relationship

By Rachael Pace, Expert Blogger

8.6k Reads
Updated: 16 Nov, 2021

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In a relationship, we must know how to express ourselves to show our affection to
our partner. By showing our affection in a relationship, we can build a secure
relationship that is healthy and long-lasting.

Everyone who is in a relationship expects to receive tenderness from their partners.

However, not all people are good at showing affection in a relationship, and
sometimes, this causes issues within couples.

Let’s learn how you can show your love and affection towards your partner, but
first, let’s dig deeper into why affection is vital in a relationship.

What is affection in a relationship?

The most common definition of affection is showing someone that you care
about them through physical gestures. Physical gestures would often include
hugging, kissing, and even holding hands, but did you know that there are so many
other ways to show your partner that you love them?

Affection is one of the most important ways that you can show your love to your
partner. There is no need for a grand gesture; some of the sweetest acts of affection
are the minor things we do for love.
So, what is affection in a relationship? It’s everything that you do for your partner
because of love. It’s those simple acts of love and care that make your partner
blush.

Related Reading: How Much Affection Is Normal in a Relationship?

Why is affection important in a relationship?

In general, affection in a relationship is one of the key ingredients determining how
strong your relationship is. Do you think relationships without affection can last a
lifetime? Without affection, misunderstandings start developing. Feelings of
insecurities and uncertainty are common when a partner feels undervalued and
overlooked.

Affection gives us security, peace of mind, and happiness. That strong bond you
have for each other will help you in times of uncertainty and trials. When you love
someone, it’s normal for you to show signs of affection towards your partner.

Communication Expert Kory Floyd, in his book ‘Communicating Affection,’ talks

about the direct correlation between relationship development and initiating
affection. Learning how to show affection fosters a healthy relationship where both
partners feel validated and cherished.

Do you feel that you have no affection in your relationship? Then let’s start with
these 13 examples of affection in a relationship:

13 ways to show affection in a relationship

You might be in love with your partner, but you don’t know how to show it.

You are having a hard time showing affection to the love of your life, and you’re
frustrated.
Don’t worry because we are here to show you the different forms of affection. You
can choose which one works for you and which one comes naturally.

Surprise your partner with the following:

1. Listen to your partner

Did you know that one of the sweetest gestures of affection in a relationship is
listening?

That’s right. When your partner is talking, and they are trying to tell you about
their day – listen. Even if you think you won’t help your partner, it won’t hurt to
stop what you are doing and start listening to your partner.

Make eye contact and listen to what your partner says. It’s already one of the
sweetest and most caring ways to show affection to your partner.

Remember this: Don’t be afraid to ask your partner how you can help. A hug can
also do wonders if your partner is feeling sad.

2. Do something for them

Surprise your partner by doing something for them.

You don’t have to book a reservation at a fancy restaurant. Instead, you can
prepare a warm home-cooked meal for your partner. You can prepare a small note
that you will put on your partner’s lunchbox at work.

These are specific things that already show so much affection.

Remember this: It’s not about money or extravagance. It’s about thoughtfulness
and love.

Related Reading: 20 Effective Ways to Put Effort in a Relationship

3. Go on dates
Sometimes, we get busy, and we forget how to be more affectionate in a
relationship.

Change this by allocating a few hours of your day-off for your partner. By doing
so, you and your partner can go on dates. It doesn’t matter if you are already
parents, there’s always a way to spend some time alone.

As per research studies on the subject, planning date nights and other activities that
promote closeness are essential for creating a close bond between couples.

Remember this: Make use of this time to talk and catch up with your partner. Let
the sparks continue to fly.

4. Don’t be afraid to say that you love them

Some people have difficulty showing affection in a relationship to the point that
even saying “I love you” requires so much work for them.

They would even say that they aren’t into displays of affection or you don’t need it
because you already know that you both love each other. That’s not the case here.
Words of love and care can energize the relationship for the better.

Remember this: Saying “I love you” or “I miss you” to your partner doesn’t make
you less of a person or cheesy.

Related Reading: What to Do if You’re in Love With Someone Who Is Afraid of Love
5. Surprise them

Don’t be afraid to show affection in a relationship by planning something for your

partner.

When you are in love, you might want to do something for your partner just
because you want to. At times like these, you can grab a simple rose and give it to
your partner.

If you see something that your partner loves, go ahead and buy it! Put on a movie
that holds memories for both of you. Play your favorite music and grab your
partner, and dance!

Remember this: While it’s nice to say I love you, it’s equally sweet to show your
partner that you’re thinking of them.

Also Try: Are You Working Hard To Surprise Your Partner?

6. Always make time for your partner

There can be many different types of affection that you can choose from, but one
of the most important ones to remember is time. Time may be one of the sweetest
types of affection that you can give to your partner.
We’re all busy, especially when we have demanding careers or kids, but we can
make time for it if we truly want something done. You don’t have to take a leave.
You can spare a few minutes and ask your partner to drink coffee with you while
you’re talking about how your day went.

Remember this: When you give time to your partner, then your partner would feel
that they are essential to you.

7. Be intimate
Intimacy is a broad subject. It can be emotional intimacy or physical intimacy;
either way, you need to make sure that you include this in your
relationship. Studies have shown a link between day-to-day intimate interaction
and relationship satisfaction for the partners.

It’s way better if you can practice both emotional and physical intimacy with your
partner. There’s nothing sweeter than a partner who can make you feel necessary
with soft touches, hugs, and kisses.

Remember this: A hug and a kiss can do so much in a relationship. While there
are many ways to show affection without being sexually active, it’s also essential
that you and your partner are sexually compatible.

Related Reading: How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship

8. Remember the little details

Listening to your partner while they are talking is already a great way to show
affection. But did you know that remembering the little details of your
conversation is just as important?

These may be small details, but for your partner, they may mean a lot.
Do you remember when your partner said they always get stomach aches when
eating too many carbs?

Remember this: Letting your partner see that you remember the littlest details,
such as her favorite color, will already mean so much to your partner. Plus, you
can pick the perfect item when you get your partner something because you know
what your partner wants.

9. Be equal partners
Your partner is your equal, so allow them to have a voice in your relationship.
Sometimes, the feeling of not voicing your needs and opinions can take a toll on
your relationship.

It doesn’t matter who the breadwinner is, both of you are working for your
relationship, so it’s fitting that you both should feel at ease in sharing your
opinions.

Remember this: If your partner can voice their opinion in your relationship, your
partner will indeed feel essential and valued.

Related Reading: Equality in Relationships

10. Be your partner’s best friend

Being your partner’s best friend is not impossible.

If you and your partner are already at ease with each other and have that strong
bond, then it’s more likely that you already have a spiritual connection with each
other.

Remember this: You can show how much your partner means to you if you start
aiming for a spiritual connection. That’s a solid form of affection right there.

11. Help them

Sometimes, your partner might not voice what they want and still doubts your
relationship. Don’t lose hope. Give your partner time and help your partner feel at
ease, and open up to you slowly.

Remember this: Some people aren’t good at showing what they feel, so be patient
with them. Be your example, and soon, your partner will understand and start to
show love and affection to you.

Watch this video to learn ways to help the ones that you love:
12. Respect their privacy
Did you know that another way to show your affection in a relationship is by
respecting your partner’s privacy?

That’s correct. Affection isn’t all about sweet gestures and intimacy. It’s also about
respecting that your partner is also a person who needs personal
space. Studies have shown reasons like dignity and autonomy that make privacy an
important concern for individuals.

Remember this: If you want your privacy to be respected, do the same with your
partner. Respecting others’ privacy will do much for your personal growth and
maturity.

Related Reading: How Much Privacy in a Relationship Is Acceptable?

13. Appreciate your partner

Appreciation can mean so much to your partner. Can you imagine doing your best
for your partner, but your partner doesn’t even appreciate your time and effort?
How painful is that?

So, if you want to make your partner feel how much you love them, start by
appreciating them. Research has shown clear signs that gratitude and appreciation
have a positive effect on relationship strength and longevity.

Remember this: By simply saying “thank you “or” I appreciate you,” you can
already make your partner happy.

Related Reading: 8 Ways to Show Appreciation to the Love of Your Life

The 7 steps of the decision
making process

Step 1: Identify the decision that

needs to be made
When you're identifying the decision, ask yourself a few questions:

 What is the problem that needs to be solved?

 What is the goal you plan to achieve by implementing this decision?
 How will you measure success?
These questions are all common goal setting techniques that will
ultimately help you come up with possible solutions. When the
problem is clearly defined, you then have more information to come
up with the best decision to solve the problem.

Read: 22 types of business objectives to measure success

Step 2: Gather relevant

information
Gathering information related to the decision being made is an
important step to making an informed decision. Does your team
have any historical data as it relates to this issue? Has anybody
attempted to solve this problem before?

It's also important to look for information outside of your team or

company. Effective decision making requires information from many
different sources. Find external resources, whether it’s doing
market research, working with a consultant, or talking with
colleagues at a different company who have relevant experience.
Gathering information helps your team identify different solutions to
your problem.

Step 3: Identify alternative

solutions
This step requires you to look for many different solutions for the
problem at hand. Finding more than one possible alternative is
important when it comes to business decision-making, because
different stakeholders may have different needs depending on their
role. For example, if a company is looking for a work management
tool, the design team may have different needs than a development
team. Choosing only one solution right off the bat might not be the
right course of action.

Read: What is decision tree analysis? 5 steps to make better decisions

Step 4: Weigh the evidence

This is when you take all of the different solutions you’ve come up
with and analyze how they would address your initial problem. Your
team begins identifying the pros and cons of each option, and
eliminating alternatives from those choices.

There are a few common ways your team can analyze and weigh the
evidence of options:

 Pros and cons list

 SWOT analysis
 Decision matrix
Step 5: Choose among the
alternatives
The next step is to make your final decision. Consider all of the
information you've collected and how this decision may affect each
stakeholder.

Sometimes the right decision is not one of the alternatives, but a

blend of a few different alternatives. Effective decision-making
involves creative problem solving and thinking out of the box, so
don't limit you or your teams to clear-cut options.

One of the key values at Asana is to reject false tradeoffs. Choosing

just one decision can mean losing benefits in others. If you can, try
and find options that go beyond just the alternatives presented.

Step 6: Take action

Once the final decision maker gives the green light, it's time to put
the solution into action. Take the time to create an implementation
plan so that your team is on the same page for next steps. Then it’s
time to put your plan into action and monitor progress to determine
whether or not this decision was a good one.

Step 7: Review your decision and

its impact (both good and bad)
Once you’ve made a decision, you can monitor the success metrics you
outlined in step 1. This is how you determine whether or not this
solution meets your team's criteria of success.
Here are a few questions to consider when reviewing your decision:
  Did it solve the problem your team identified in step 1?
 Did this decision impact your team in a positive or negative way?
 Which stakeholders benefited from this decision? Which stakeholders were impacted
negatively?
If this solution was not the best alternative, your team might benefit
from using an iterative form of project management. This enables
your team to quickly adapt to changes, and make the best decisions
with the resources they have.