COVERAGE, INK.

ANALYSIS

TITLE: TITLE
LOCALE: DC, in-flight, assorted global locations
WRITER(S):
PERIOD: the present
FORM: screenplay
GENRE: action/thriller
BUDGET: high
PAGES: 113
DRAFT DATE: n/a
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE

As North Korea instigates WWIII with a massive nuclear

missile strike on the U.S., a widower Air Marshal joins
forces with an aging pilot to land the last surviving plane
in the air safely.

SYNOPSIS

Off the coast of Somalia, SOMALI PIRATES raid a foreign oil tanker,
populated with NORTH KOREAN CREWMEN. Instead of finding oil, the
Pirates discovers nuclear warheads, shortly before hidden NORTH
KOREAN SOLDIERS fatally gun down the Somali intruders…

In a Chicago suburb, former Marine CODY WILMOT gives a loving

goodbye to daughter CHELSEA (5) and his mother MIA, as he heads out
for a three-day work assignment. Elsewhere, LEO CROMWELL (61)
attends an addiction-recovery meeting in a church basement.
Meanwhile, MOLLY JAMES (28) finds boyfriend BILLY with another
woman, and storms off with her guitar case in hand. Waiting at an
airport juice bar, Cody notices a TV report, which mentions the
breakdown of talks between the U.S. and North Korea…

Cody boards a 737 plane – Clear Skies, flight 533 -- and asks sexy
attendant SARA to seat him Coach; he clearly has a professional,
as-yet-unspecified relationship with the airline. We soon meet

1
several passengers (big CAL, Wall Streeter VERNON, worried ELIAZAR,
Molly, lovers MILES and TRINA), flight attendants (NEAL and ANITA);
and co-pilot LEO and pilot DALE (40s).

At Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado, USAF Technical Sergeant

CASSANDRA warns MAJOR UZAROWICZ that the satellites comprising the
North Warning System (NWS) are unresponsive. Uzarowicz dismisses
the non-responsiveness as mere technical glitches…

Back on Flight 533, now airborne, pilot Dale speaks condescendingly

to co-pilot Leo, who apparently is just back to work after a stint
in rehab. The flight is destined for Nashville. Cody sits next to
Molly, who peppers him with questions about his military
background; he suspects her peace-nik vibe and remains reticent.
The plane soon passes over Cincinnati.

Meanwhile, Tech Sergeant Cassandra notices another NWS satellite go

dark, and alerts LT. SILAS KIRKWOOD at the National Security Agency
in Maryland. Kirkwood doesn’t believe the situation is dire, but
acknowledges the massive blind spots in the NWS.

Now in the Pacific Ocean, the North Korean-manned oil tanker

prepares its nuclear missiles for launch…

On the 737, Molly playfully chats with Cody, who claims to be a

software-tech salesman. Molly reveals that she works in radio
sales, and teases him about his military roots. In the cockpit,
Dale ignores Leo’s suggestion to disengage the autopilot.
Suddenly, a North Korean nuclear missile whizzes by the plane and
barrels toward Cincinnati. At Peterson, Cassandra and colleague
MCHENRY alert Uzarowicz that 58 North Korean missiles are heading
toward America, all of them launched from tankers surrounding the
U.S. It’s a massive sneak attack…

Leo and Dale argue as their plane veers wildly, and Dale finally
takes Leo’s advice to switch to manual, as passengers panic. Cody
sees the missile descending upon Cincinnati, which is incinerated,
sending up a mushroom cloud. Everyone on the plane soon realizes
that North Korea is the likely culprit, and angry eyes turn upon a
young KOREAN FAMILY on the flight. As Leo coaxes Dale to ascend
the plane as quickly as possible, Cody reveals himself as an
undercover U.S. Air Marshal, and tries to retain order among the
distraught passengers. He reassures them that they will land at
the nearest available airport.

Realizing that his children died in Cincinnati, Dale begins to melt

down, and Leo grows concerned about the pilot’s ability to
function. As the plane narrowly climbs above the nuclear cloud,
passenger Eliazar becomes increasingly distraught, insisting that
the plane arrive at Nashville, where his wife is in critical
condition. Forced to subdue Eliazar with zip-ties, Cody reveals
that his own wife died of leukemia a few years earlier. As things

2
briefly calm down, Molly describes her recent breakup to Cody, who
responds in kind by recounting a haunting suicide mission in
Fallujah, which made him abandon his obedient attitude toward
military authority.

At Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming, American missiles are launched

in a counter-attack…

On the plane, attendant Sara tries to restore calm by serving

drinks. Unable to connect with ground communications, Leo urges
Dale to head toward Nashville as a possible landing site. Cal
tells other passengers that Nashville is too central, that the
plane should land at a remote town. At Peterson, Cassandra and
McHenry inform Uzarowicz that thousands of planes are down; their
job is to help the planes that are airborne to land safely. Cody
tells Eliazar that he must be prepared to move on with his life.
Cal and Vernon confront Cody, and insist that Nashville is not a
safe landing destination due to radiation. Vernon shoves Cody, who
eventually subdues both him and big Cal, with Molly’s assistance.

As the plane descends toward Nashville, the pilots realize that

Nashville has been hit as well. Pandemonium ensues as the plane
starts to overheat and plummet. Cody helps Leo and an increasingly
untethered Dale to regain control of the plane. Leo activates the
standby flight systems, and miraculously pulls the plane out of its
power dive, as a nuclear cloud rises from Nashville. Soon, major
U.S. cities – Chicago, San Francisco, Washington, D.C. – are
incinerated. Cody reminds the panicked passengers that they’re
still alive, and they need to find a safe haven. Cody recalls a
remote destination – Chiapas, Mexico – where he honeymooned, and
suggests that the pilots head in that direction.

Dale rejects the idea, and dismisses Cody, who sobs in frustration
and grief in the lavatory, shocking those who can hear him. Molly
gently reminds Cody to face the situation and to move on, even
though he knows his daughter is now dead. Cassandra finally makes
contact with Dale, who ignores her warning to land beyond U.S.
borders if possible. Leo finally unlocks the cockpit, allowing
Cody, Vernon, and Cal to storm inside and subdue pilot Dale. Leo
becomes the pilot, and Cassandra maps out a route to Chiapas. Soon
after, a nuclear missile wipes out Peterson.

Dale breaks free and urges his fellow passengers to allow the plane
to crash, since everyone they love is now dead. Dale nearly pulls
open the emergency exit door, until Cody talks him down. Dale
grabs Cody’s gun, however, and shoots himself in the mouth. The
bullet cracks a window, pulling air from the cabin. Dale is yanked
into the open window, effectively plugging the vacuum. Cody tells
the passengers that they’re aiming for Mexico, and he quietly tells
young girl DAWN that she can keep the toy plane he intended to give
to his own daughter.

3
Leo notices the plane’s gas level dropping precipitously, but
reassures Cody that everything is going as planned. The plane
takes a winding route toward Mexico, avoiding the nuclear clouds of
decimated cities. Leo reveals that he became addicted to Vicodin
after a shoulder surgery, and accidentally taxied a plane into a
luggage truck. Cody commends Leo’s comeback and realizes the plane
is nearly out of fuel. Leo promises to worry about the landing, if
Cody takes care of the passengers.

Cody prepares everyone for a rough landing, and this time, the
passengers cooperate fully. Cody sits next to young Dawn,
reassuring the scared girl, as the plane descends toward a jagged
mountain range in Mexico. Smashing into a peak, the plane loses a
wing, lurching the passengers violently. Leo struggles to deploy
the landing gear, as the plane careens along a plateau, heading to
a waterfall drop-off. Leo finally engages the landing gear, which
digs into the ground, pushing the nose of the plane into the
ground. The cockpit crushed, Leo dies in a final moment of pride,
knowing that he helped saved passengers.

Cody corrals the surviving passengers to exit the cabin, which is

filling with flames. Cody shoots the stuck emergency-exit door,
allowing an escape route. Everyone escapes, just as the plane
explodes and falls over the drop-off. Devastated but alive, the
survivors huddle together, and Molly gives Cody a kiss. Molly
sings a beautiful rendition of “Amazing Grace” as Cody honors Leo’s
bravery. Molly and Cody subsequently broach the topic of survival,
until an international helicopter rescue team approaches. Though
the future of the world remains deeply uncertain, Cody expresses
optimism for the future of mankind…

4
COMMENTS

OVERALL

[title] is a high concept, commercially viable disaster

script in need of surgical rewrite to reconcile anomalous
plotting, refine character and sharpen dialogue. The project
has a solid foundation and is close to working on several
levels. A thorough rewrite is need though to address
multiple issues, most of which are standard progression
requirements to move from one draft to the next. The
essential template is in place, so the rewrite should go fast
- but the script really ought not be sent out without it.

Let’s take flight...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

STORY

The spine of the story rests on assumptions that should be

strengthened to win audience confidence. Breaking it down:

1. North Korea decides to attack the US with nuclear missiles

launched from empty oil 'tankers' positioned strategically
but undetected around the world.

2. A lone female tech Sergeant at NORAD voices her fears that

missile tracking devices are not functioning properly - she
is ignored.

3. All early warning missile attack and response technology

fails (globally) and thousands of missiles fly through the
sky to hit every major metropolitan target in the US.

4. One lone commuter flight dodges the missiles and surges

over the nuclear fallout seeking to survive and escape to
Mexico.

This is the story of the people on that flight.

If we are to believe #4 (the functioning, emotional, action

and character driven body of this screenplay,) then we must
be plausibly convinced of 1 to 3.

At this point, story setup could be brainstormed for

5
improvement. The essential facts of the premise in its
current form raises countless "but what about x, y & z"
questions (e.g., How can you launch missiles from tankers/how
did the missiles go undetected and if the US systems were
hacked, what about Russia's/Europe’s, etc. Even non missile-
related North Korean movements are being tracked by
satellites, so why does that infrastructure not trigger
alerts...etc. etc.}

STRUCTURE

Except for the flaw in setup logic mentioned above, structure

works well for the rest of the script - although Cody's
(over)reaction at the end of Act Two seems out of character
for him and should be revisited.

CHARACTERS

All characters - except Sara/Neal/Dawn and Asian

Businesswoman - need some calibration - subtly - to add
dimension, most notably Dale, Vernon, Cal, Molly, Eliazar and
Cody. Suggestions would include a slight change in backstory
for the two principals, and general dialogue revisions.

For example:

MOLLY AND CODY - Molly seems a little aggressive, even

predatory and fickle - she's just walked out on her boyfriend
(their fight seemed shallow, not clearly seeing the payoff of
this intro for her character development) - Within hours
she's zooming in on Cody - knowing he's married with a
daughter.

If Cody were a single Dad maybe - whose Mom cares for Chelsea
while he travels - it would increase sympathy and jeopardy
for his character (when the bomb drops) and slightly purify
Molly's (and Sara's) interest in him. Both are made less
sympathetic by their willingness to be home-wreckers -
showing, even in moments of life and death, that they've no
qualms about infidelity or betraying their own gender (Mia).

If Mia were Cody's Mom - the opening sequence would play out
more or less as is - then Sara's exchange with Neal (about
the wife always winning) could be revised to provide the
reveal (making Cody a widower possibly).

Molly's character is undermined by many issues (IMHO) - she's

6
supposed to be feisty, opinionated, ambitious for her career,
outgoing etc. And she is on the page - but she is also
irritating - her anti-establishment dialogue could be
alienating instead of endearing (and she sounds a little bit
silly). It seems at moments that even Cody doesn't want to
get stuck sitting beside her on the plane. Little traits,
like Molly play punching Cody - she does it twice, those are
not very sweet touches. So generally, her speeches and
backstory might be reconsidered. What would make the
audience be invested in her A, surviving the disaster and B,
being Cody's future in this tragic new world. Right now,
this jury's out on both.

Cody is a strong character - but again, I wonder if it might

be wise to reconsider his emotional breakdown at the end of
Act Two? Especially his confessional speech which really
contradicts everything we've known about him - or need to
know to make it to the other side of the disaster. It is
fresh and somewhat original for the genre - but Die Hard and
Bond and all the other hero driven action adventure stories
are beloved because they stay within the rules of the game.
It would be hard to imagine Bruce Willis breaking down (in
front of all the people he's charged to save) in the middle
of the movie (unless it were a plot device to fake out the
bad guy). So while Cody is entitled to tender moments of
vulnerability alone - that's not the same as the public, I am
not worthy, confessional forum given to him here.

LEO

Leo and his backstory work well - but the details of it - and
the manner of the reveal seem a little clunky. We buy that
Cody and he are friends, and so Cody is a good candidate to
explain (the terrible thing that Leo did) but it feels
expositional, like a lost opportunity - Leo should have his
'confessional' moment for himself perhaps - he gets to tell
someone what he actually did - even if it's Cody.

DALE

Dale's emotional temperature goes up and down - and the spine

of his character goes in and out of focus. One minute he's
super confident Captain putting down an older, clearly more
experienced Vet Pilot - the next minute he's crying. Then he
pulls it together again to stand up to Cody, then he's crying
again. Generally, it would help to go through his dialogue
with Leo for both character and plotting details - because

7
even with two reads of those sequences, the clarity was
missing - especially given the fact that Dale loses all
control, shows his cowardice and almost kills everyone. He's
supposed to be the Captain. That's a very steep character
fall which needs to be handled more carefully. And If he
does believe they're all going to die, what's his hurry
anyway? (His actual death scene played out well - but the
consequences got resolved sort of magically fast. And raised
the question, wouldn't passengers get sickened by the nuclear
pollution in the air?

VERNON and CAL

Both had very obvious - on the nose dialogue - and their

challenge to, and conflict with Cody felt manufactured. It
would be a good idea to go back through each of their
speeches and see if there aren't more subtle ways to convey
the character conceit intended. For example, Cal asks if
there's any news on a blackberry, seconds after the explosion
hits - seems out of context and weakens the scene. If the
point is that he is that pesky guy, then capitalize on the
conflict and have someone tell him not to ask stupid
questions.

SARA vs MOLLY

Sara's character worked very well - except to say that she

kicked Molly's ass on the likability scale and left us
wondering why Cody would not fall for her. So Sara is a
barometer for the work that remains to be done on Molly.

ELIAZAR

Even though he has a small part, his character is crucial for

conflict and tension early in Act Two and should work better.
When he does enter the scene, he kind of springs out of
nowhere and his motives are bewildering. Everybody on the
plane is traumatized and wants to get to their family - so he
needs another, more plausible reason to behave as he does and
make sense. It would help to introduce him earlier in pre-
boarding - to give him a justifiable jeopardy so that the
audience accepts that the stakes are higher for him in the
moment he loses it. Maybe we first see him sweating it on
the phone - his child/wife has been in an accident - he's
trying to make it back to Nashville to get to the ER - he's
already in the grips of life and death - so his freak-out is
sincere, not just organic to crisis context.

8
PLOT LOGIC -

We've looked at problems with story setup in general - and

page 21 starts the specifics of the issue. It's plausible
that Cassandra gets the brushoff from her Commander - but
then to see Missile Defense Shields at 34% capacity because
of across the board system failure - those are metrics
overseen by thousands of eyes in countries all over the world
- NORAD would be at Def Con 1 at a far lower % failure. So
a better reasoning/logic needs to be set up by this point.

Also, didn't Cody - a lowly air Marshall get a Charlie

warning before he boarded the plane? What was it, and how
did it relate to the Norad alerts? If warnings like that
were sent out - why were any flights allowed airborne?

p 26 - The missile flies past the cockpit - it's okay that

the passengers/crew would have no idea how missiles could get
so far into US air space without shields going up - but not
okay for the audience ultimately to not really understand
how.

The next issues rest with plot logic in actual sequences (not
general story) -

The sequence onboard between the time everyone saw the

missile to the time it exploded feels stretched - and the
tail spin effect on the actual aircraft itself seems to have
left people able to move about and do things that seem
unlikely - it might help to revisit this and other similar
sequences to tighten them all up.

When Leo realizes this version of the 18 year old plane was
built with an emergency back-up system, he needs to shout
that out - it's a major plot point for the sequence that's
left in action description now.

Later, also in the cockpit when the fuel gauge goes from half
to zero - we need more clarity on what actually happened.

TONE - Very good generally. Nice roller coaster action

terror ride. Occasional lapses in dialogue which need to be
looked at - see Molly, Cal & Vernon. And further little
tonal lapses such as when Neal grabs the gin - might be nice
touch elsewhere, but jarring in this exact moment of high

9
crisis.

MARKETABILITY

Script could have real legs after the next draft.

MISCELLANEOUS

Opening - "Ripping through space, past galaxies and swirling

nebulae and planets and finally a gorgeous blue-green world
lit by a brilliant yellow sun, and we CONTINUE zooming
through the skies until we find..."

Note: too many "ands" here.

Leaders’ dialogue p 2. - a tad too expositional/on the nose

LEADER
Don’t worry. They know better than to
fight back. We will treat them well
until the ransom is paid for their
cargo. It is all a business
transaction.

Likewise the NK General p 4:

NORTH KOREAN GENERAL

Dump the bodies. Continue our course.
The Supreme Leader’s greatest moment
is in sight.

Description p 4. "It goes down flatulently" - rethink

descriptions like this.

Chelsea's dialogue "seriously" (She is 4, so make the joke a

little more subtle).

Then Cody's statement - she is four - it didn't have a

question mark, but the point was confusing. Is he suggesting
he didn't know how old she was? Is Mia suggesting that?

Cody's cell phone plays "Limelight" by Rush. Better not to

i.d. the ringtone.

p 10, Neil is misspelled. Elsewhere = Neal.

A note here about character descriptions in general. Maybe

10
take another look at all of them - We're told Cody is a Texan
(maybe belongs under his first speech to give us accent
reveal since it's not a character description, well, maybe it
is).

Miles is introduced/described as a "teaching assistant" -

find a visual cue to suggest character not occupation.
Likewise with Dale - "charming but a bit of a dick" - we will
get to know him through his actions but it's a cheat here.

Note on further minor dialogue issues. Some dialogue happens

as asides by the character to self - :

Cody
p 8 "I'll bring you back an airplane."
p 10 "Jesus Christ, what the..."

Molly
p 16 - gives herself a pep talk in the mirror - maybe it
could just be put in the lyrics she belts out to herself
instead
p 22 "Oh man, what the fuck is going on."

Asides in dialogue dip the level accomplished elsewhere in

the script - and add nothing.

Error on p 59 Says "Dale takes the Captain's chair" should be

Leo.

p 72 "She strides forward." Should be 'he'?

p 74 says its a Chinese Missile - but isn't it North Korean?

p 76 Sara backs off because Eliazar looks at her - why would

his interest affect her struggle for Cody with Molly?

CONCLUSION

[title] has commercial potential. It has a great title. The

story of a lone commuter flight trapped airborne in the
middle of a nuclear attack is fresh, original, and highly
saleable. The script needs a very careful reworking for
story, dialogue, character and plotting - but all the vital
ingredients are there. Would recommend looking at scripts
for Flight of the Phoenix, original and remake; Top Gun;
Passenger 57; Air Force One etc. - especially to study timing
and plotting of action sequences in blocks to reconcile some

11
pacing and logic issues as the action unfolds. Good luck
with the next draft - make it fly!

12


YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

X
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

X
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

X
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the TONE for the rest of the
X
story?

Is the TONE consistent throughout? X

Is the story mythology/world-building well-developed

X
and effective?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X

13
Is the plot conveyed clearly, with enough direct
X
exposition?

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

X
and ability?

Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of

X
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X
genre or tone?

Does the script have a clear THEME or THEMES?

X

Does the story have a clear target audience, and

does the tone of the script reflect that audience from X
start to finish?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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 COVERAGE, INK. PRO ANALYSIS

TITLE: (title)
LOCALE: Australian Outback
WRITER(S):
PERIOD: Present
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Paranormal Thriller
BUDGET: Moderate
PAGES: 101
DRAFT DATE: Unknown
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY: JT

LOGLINE:

An emotionally scarred former police detective, now a cattle drover crewman,

becomes an agent for good in a battle between supernatural forces and
reincarnated evil in a remote Australian outback town.

SYNOPSIS
An Aussie morning news show’s FEMALE PRESENTER interviews TWO less-than-credible EYEWITNESSES about the
Chaurus Lights, a supposedly supernatural phenomenon in the outback. In the outback, a cattle drover crews camp for the
night with their herd. Drover ANDREW MCKINNLEY (25), a former police detective, wakes from a nightmare about his dread
after hearing a RADIO call about an attack on a woman. The drovers hit the trail in the morning. Lead drover PETER (60, old
world cowboy type) tells Andrew about a small settlement of odd people up ahead. Good food and drink, though. Younger
drovers BILL (19, chubby) and MARTIN (21, designer clothes, constantly on his cell phone) bring up the rear. Martin ribs Bill
for mistaking a man’s good-looking ass for a woman’s. DAVID (32, modern cowboy type) tells them to stop fucking around
and mind the strays. The drovers reach the rundown town of Chaurus at dusk. Four wooden boundary posts mark the town’s
limits. Martin’s cell connection cuts out as they pass the posts to pen the cattle. Peter tells Martin and Bill to be on their best
behavior as they enter the town pub/hotel. Bartender ANITA (30s, fairly attractive) serves food and drink. Martin leads a
reluctant Bill away hoping to sneak a peek into the ladies’ showers via the roof. A tour bus arrives with TOUR OPERATOR
and 20 TOURISTS. They invade the pub and settle in. Local JEFF LARSON and the OPERATOR discuss the high volume
tour business because of the Chaurus Lights’ legend. Martin and Bill ogle at showering LADY TOURISTS. Bill tells Martin not
to tap him because he might fall. Martin didn’t touch him. The ladies see them. In the pub, Peter, David and Andrew eat while
Jeff tells rapt tourists about the Chaurus Lights that stalk and haunt outback travelers. The Operator warns the tourists of
cannibal Aboriginals whom he and Jeff claim created the Lights to attract fresh meat. Outside, Martin and Bill visit “Gwinlan
Jones’” lone grave and decrepit headstone under a leafless tree in the center of town. Martin considers breaking the
headstone with a rock, but a LOCAL scares them off. The Local cleans up the grave. At the pub, the Operator tells the tourists
about the whining the Lights emit before they attack. Local TALVERT COOMBS interrupts, spinning the story of Gwinlan
Jones, who died 100 years ago tomorrow and whose ghost roams the pub halls every night at 11:52pm, tapping people on the
shoulder or blowing on their necks. Martin and Bill return in time for the drovers to leave for their camp. Talvert’s tale
continues — Chaurus used to be prison Work Camp 39, where Gwinlan served for rape and murder, and tomorrow’s the 100-
year anniversary of his escape and rampage that killed everyone in the camp, after which he performed a ritual to bring him
back to life in 100 years. Anita and Jeff shoo Talvert away, but not before Talvert and Andrew make eye contact. Jeff gets in
Andrew’s face a bit before Andrew leaves. The drovers camp inside the town boundary. Peter presses Andrew about his

Page 1 of 16
being distracted. Peter’s still curious why Andrew still hasn’t told him why he left the city to work the range two years ago.
Andrew reveals he was a detective whose wife had been raped and murdered, and that he left the force knowing he’d have
killed the culprit if found. He rode west and took a job at a cattle station. He doubts he’ll ever go back because he’s not that
same man. Morning brings good weather. Anita tells them they’re no longer welcome in town because somebody saw Martin
and Bill damaging Gwinlan’s headstone. Peter’s pissed, and Anita won’t take an apology — leave! Andrew has an uneasy
feeling about the mountains to the east. The drovers hit the plains. In Chaurus, the Operator gives Jeff an envelope of cash.
The loaded tour bus leaves town in the drovers’ direction. The drovers encounter the Chaurus Lights (six-inch hovering orbs
of opaque white light), which scope them out. Andrew falls into a trance as the Lights pass. He FLASHES BACK to the
moment he proposed to his wife, APRIL, under a starry night sky. In the present, Andrew’s overcome with emotion. The Lights
emit a high-pitched hum and speed away. WTF! The drovers move on. In Chaurus, the pub clock chimes 11:52pm. Anita’s
happy yet concerned. At Gwinlan’s grave, Jeff watches that rock Martin considered using shake, spin and fly away. On the
plains, Peter tells Martin and Bill to act more responsible while visiting small towns. Martin whatevers, talking on his phone.
Then that flying rock embeds into his skull, killing him. Andrew surmises neither a local, nor a human for that matter, could’ve
done it because of the impact. David thinks it’s the Chaurus Lights. Peter concurs. Andrew doesn’t buy it, but they need to
contact the police. Too bad Martin’s phone is broken. They must return to Chaurus. They wrap up Martin’s body. Only Andrew
notices a Chaurus Light moving away in the distance. Meanwhile, the Lights buzz the tour bus; the Operator panic turns into a
pothole and pops a tire. The drovers encounter the crippled bus. They compare notes on their Lights encounters, including
Martin’s death. The drovers offer to help fix the tire. Andrew notices a FEMALE TOURIST smiling at him. The Operator lets
the drovers put Martin’s body with the luggage. Andrew tells the Operator it’s irresponsible to only have an emergency tire as
a spare. The Operator rips Andrew for telling him how to run his business. Andrew stops short of pushing back; Operator rips
him for being a “piss weak whiner.” The Operator puts on a congenial face for Peter, who also comments on the tire. Andrew
bristles. Tire replaced, drovers and bus head for Chaurus, where Jeff approaches Talvert at his general store to remind him
that the community suffers when his Gwinlan story scares off tourists and that community secrets need to be kept because
something wonderful starts tomorrow. Talvert cowers and apologizes — it won’t happen again. Talvert’s concerned about dark
clouds approaching in the distance, and Gwinlan’s grave. The drovers and bus plod along. Peter prods Andrew about his
distraction. It’s about Andrew lacking self-confidence and running away after April’s death. He doesn’t think he’s a man
anymore. Peter likens it to the response he received after returning from an unpopular war. He thinks men never lose their
self-confidence; they just misplace their balls. Andrew will find his soon. They reach Chaurus, where Anita and Jeff welcome
the tourists back with open arms. The drovers, not so much. Jeff could care less that Martin’s dead or that they need to call
the police — Martin fucked with Gwinlan’s grave. Andrew pays Jeff $1000AU for phone access. Peter sweet talks Anita into
letting the drovers stay at the pub until the storm blows over… but only after they relinquish their guns. Anita allows Andrew to
stow Martin’s body in the pub’s meat locker, where Jeff peeks at the rock damage. The tourists opt to get drunk while waiting
out the storm. Andrew calls the police from the pub phone, but the connection is distorted and suspect. It’s the only phone in
town. Bill notices that his iPod’s internal clock keeps resetting to November 12, 1913. David just wants to drink. The storm hits
Chaurus with torrential rain. While the tourists party, the drovers lament Martin’s death. Andrew overhears a drunk LOCAL
oblige a curious TOURIST with the Gwinlan Jones story again. Andrew watches Anita interrupt and tell the Local to cut wood
for the kitchen ovens. The local braves rain and mud to the town workshop, where he cuts lumber. Strange footprints appear
at Gwinlan’s grave and make a trail to the workshop, where the Local notices a pair of Chaurus Lights hovering outside. The
footprints appear in the sawdust, and an unseen force pushes the Local into the saw, severing his arm. Everyone follows the
screams to the workshop. The Local blames the lights, which still hover. Andrew notices the footprints leading back to
Gwinlan’s grave — and the prints aren’t from human feet or boots. Anita and Jeff rail against the tourists snapping photos.
Talvert watches from afar. Andrew and Jeff argue about who or what left the prints, to the point where Jeff threatens
Andrew… and Peter for butting in. Andrew keeps pressing, and Jeff lays hands on him. Anita breaks it up. The group brings
the Local to the pub. Andrew’s embarrassed about being manhandled. Talvert watches him from afar. Meanwhile, the
DISPATCHER at the county police station plays SHERIFF JOHN BOWMAN Andrew’s garbled message. They can only hear
“Chaurus” and “murder.” Another OFFICER dismisses it as a prank, but Bowman decides to check it out, since he lives
nearby. At the pub, Jeff cauterizes the Local’s stump. The drovers play poker. The rain pours beyond the town’s boundaries.
In town, there’s no rain, and a black void’s opened up in the clouds above Gwinlan’s grave. Andrew’s unsettled by Jeff and
drunk TOURIST #4 mocking him. He and the drovers discuss Martin more, until Tourist #4 interrupts to mock Andrew’s cop
past and efforts to solve Martin’s death. Andrew swallows his anger. Bill pipes up, which makes Jeff laugh. Peter tells them to
ignore Jeff. Outside, a bolt of lightning strikes Gwinlan’s grave. Talvert sees it, having heard a noise in his store that woke him
up. He sleeps in a back room, where he keeps Polaroids of young kids. He’s spooked, seeing that it’s “9:35” on a clock.
Bowman drives toward Chaurus, hoping it’s not a prank and seeing the massive storm cloud system over the area.
JEANETTE, the tourist who smiled at Andrew from the bus, asks him to dance. He reluctantly agrees. Way drunk Bill and
David dance together. Jeanette and Andrew chat, discussing his widower status until drunken Tourist #4 tries cutting in,
insulting Jeanette and ripping Andrew for being more pussy than tough outback cowboy. Andrew gets pissed, but Bill
surprises Tourist #4 with a kiss, which freaks him out. Bill and David resume dancing. Andrew and Jeanette too. Talvert
approaches Andrew because he needs to talk. Andrew obliges, thanking Jeanette for the dance. Outside, Talvert tells Andrew
that the Lights didn’t kill Martin — it was something else. Talvert thinks Andrew an honorable man who believes in justice,
which is why he claims the Lights have chosen Andrew to destroy Gwinlan Jones, who is real. Uh, right. Talvert mentions
how the Lights have shown Andrew memories to evaluate him for bonding with one of them to defeat Gwinlan. He fills in
details about Gwinlan’s story: that he can’t leave the Chaurus boundaries until he’s reincarnated into physical form. The only
way to stop him is to undergo an ancient Aboriginal ritual and bond with one of the Lights. Talvert was tasked to thwart
Gwinlan’s reincarnation attempt 50 years ago; he went through the bonding ritual, but only managed to delay Gwinlan’s efforts
after the lights bailed on him after learning something about him they didn’t like (Polaroids, anyone?). Talvert barely survived,
but at least Gwinlan remained in Chaurus, though his spirit’s tainted the locals and made them unknowing servants. Talvert
moves away after the ritual. He moved back a few months ago in anticipation of the 100-year event — tonight. He’s sure the
Lights have chosen Andrew. It’s Andrew’s choice: he could just make it through the night and leave the next morning. Talvert
lays out the Gwinlan power build timeline, which started when Martin was killed. Gwinlan will attempt to take human form at
11:52pm. Talvert tells Andrew he must visit the Aboriginal in the mountains to undergo the ritual. Gwinlan’s evil can’t be

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allowed to leave. Then Jeff interrupts, scaring Talvert back to his store. Jeff manhandles Andrew again, who opts to return to
the pub instead of fight back. At his store, Gwinlan surprises Talvert in spirit form and rips him for telling “outsiders” about him.
He rips out Talvert’s tongue and kills him. Andrew returns to the pub and mentions the Gwinlan story and impending event. He
thinks Talvert is right. Peter tells him to stop fucking around with the locals. Andrew withdraws. Gwinlan appears to Anita in
the pub kitchen, partially reconstituted. He cops a feel, which she seems to like. Gwinlan’s pissed about her letting Talvert tell
Andrew about him. He tells her that he’s killed Talvert and that he needs four sacrifices in total to fully manifest in physical
form. He tells her to take care of the drovers; he thinks one of them’s a troublemaker. At 10:05pm, Andrew announces the
Gwinlan event to the entire pub, blaming Gwinlan for Martin’s death and the saw injury. No one cares. Jeff glares, though. The
Operator suggests Peter ditch troublemaker Andrew at the next town. Drunk, Peter rips Andrew for piping up. Anita interjects
and tells Andrew that Talvert’s known for his “stories,” which he’s used to distract from his alleged child molester past. A
visiting reporter overheard one of Talvert’s stories of Aboriginal cannibalism, which brought the town bad racial publicity.
Andrew’s crushed that his hunch is wrong. Bowman gets closer to Chaurus. An hour out, a Light buzzes his SUV. More follow.
At the pub, a depressed Andrew DREAMS/FLASHES BACK to happier times with April. In the present, the other drunken
drovers make fun of Andrew “kissing” his beer mug while he sleeps. Then the pub power goes out. Anita doesn’t know how to
start the generator. Peter visits the genie on his own, heading out back and sparking it up. Jeff’s out back, closing up the meat
locker. He accuses Peter of trying to sabotage the generator. He cold cocks Peter with his rifle butt. Andrew notices Peter’s
extended absence. David thinks Peter’s hooking up with Anita. Andrew sees a MIND FLASH of Anita, Jeff and the locals
chanting around Peter at a tree. He notices that Anita et al are gone. He goes outside, noticing the rain is horizontal beyond
the town boundaries. He follows murmuring to that workshop, where he sees Anita, Jeff and the locals about to lynch Peter
from a tree out back. Jeff tells the group about Peter’s “sabotage.” He shoots Peter’s arm and leg for talking back. Anita
considers Peter the troublemaker Gwinlan mentioned. Jeff thought it was Andrew, who’s petrified watching the proceedings.
He tries interceding, telling the mob that he and the drovers will leave town if it’ll stop the torture. Jeff makes Andrew beg on
his knees, allowing him to leave… but they still have to kill Peter. Andrew attacks Jeff, who pummels him before stringing up
Peter, who tells Andrew he’ll find his balls before the night is over. Andrew apologizes to Peter and watches him die. Andrew
passes out hearing Jeff mention something about not needing to buy legs of ham for a while. Andrew FLASHES BACK to the
day he submitted his police force resignation. The POLICE CHIEF claims Andrew will never forgive himself and that he’ll lose
his self-respect. He’s always known Andrew as tough. He hopes he’ll reconsider, but Andrew walks out. In the present,
Andrew wakes up at the tree. No Peter. He staggers back to pub, bloody. Anita acts as if nothing’s happened. Andrew tells
drunken David about Peter’s lynching. Wha…? He tells him that Talvert told him Gwinlan needs a head for each of the four
boundary posts, which will allow him to leave Chaurus. He claims Gwinlan’s chosen the drovers as his sacrifice. Andrew takes
charge of the group, determined to get them out of town even in the storm. They’ll have to leave the bodies behind. Andrew
tasks David with prepping the horses to leave while he scoops up Bill. But LOCAL #5 stops David, claiming it wouldn’t be right
for them to let the drovers leave in the bad weather. Andrew notices a time rift to Chaurus’s Work Camp 39 past open up
outside near Gwinlan’s grave. He sees a small office with a SECRETARY. In the pub, the clock says 11:01pm. Andrew
agrees with Local #5 — they’ll stick around. Andrew considers running away, but he sees a dozen Lights hovering outside the
boundary communicating with each other through their humming. Andrew confronts Anita about their complicity with Gwinlan.
She claims Gwinlan had harassed the town for years, but then promised to not kill them if they helped him manifest. He also
promised to protect them from the Lights. Anita is obvious under Gwinlan’s spell, convinced he won’t kill them, but thinking
it’d be a glorious way to die if he did. David suggests enlisting the tourists to help overrun the locals. Andrew thinks they’re too
drunk, which makes them dangerous. Gwinlan approaches Anita and tells her to kill Bill next to complete the sacrifice. Anita
brazenly approaches Bill and says she wants to fuck him right now. Bill’s game. An unseen force keeps Andrew from
interceding. David sees pressure marks on Andrew. WTF! Anita leads Bill to a back room, where they’re quickly naked and in
bed. Andrew regrets not being able to help Bill. He’s determined to stop cowering and do something about it. Anita and Bill go
at it… until she butchers him with a knife. Gwinlan’s there, manifesting and absorbing Bill’s life force. Gwinlan tosses Anita
aside after she claims she did it all for him. Andrew tells David to create a diversion so he can check on Bill. David pisses out
the window. Pisses on Local #3 who tries to make him stop. Nobody sees that the time rift is bigger outside, and it includes an
office building and PRISON GUARDS milling about the street. Andrew makes his way to the back room, where he finds Bill’s
headless body. Andrew freaks and wails at the failure he’s become. He takes Bill’s lighter as a memento for his parents.
Gwinlan hasn’t manifested enough to pass through the boundaries. The Lights keep a watchful eye on him. At first frustrated,
Gwinlan thinks the cattle holding pen’s overlap beyond the boundary may be of use to him. Andrew is a wreck about Bill. Anita
helps him clean up and tells him the sacrifice was necessary for Gwinlan’s return. Andrew and David will be able to leave in
the morning if they don’t cause any more trouble. Anita would like Andrew and David to witness Gwinlan’s return. In the pen,
Gwinlan continues to manifest, thus losing his powers. The Lights sense his weakness and attack, but Gwinlan reverts to
ghostly form and psychically destroys all but two of the Lights, which flee. Jeff helps Anita tend to a shell-shocked Andrew.
Gwinlan approaches the holding pen and the cattle. Anita makes Andrew coffee. They hear the cattle crying out and acting up
in the pen. It turns out Andrew was playing shell-shocked — he scalds Anita with coffee and knocks Jeff out with a chair,
taking Jeff’s rifle and reclaiming Peter’s pistol, and telling a confused David they need to rescue the cattle before they
stampede off the plateau. Outside, they mount their horses and notice that the time rift is expanded, revealing Work Camp 39
and the old prison. Andrew and David shoot their way out of town, braving the boundary rain, which rips at their flesh as they
make it through. Gwinlan returns to the pub for Plan B. Andrew and David pursue the cattle. David reaches the ridge, shooting
the lead cattle in hopes of stopping the rest. No luck — the cattle jump over the dead and carry David and his horse over the
edge. The Lights zip over the edge and try to catch David. No luck — they lose hold, and David falls to his death. Andrew
freaks. The Lights return to him and show him an IMAGE FLASH of ABORIGINALS and a beautiful cave. Then Lights
disappear. Andrew looks toward the mountains with determination. Almost reincarnated Gwinlan rapes Tourist #5 in her pub
room. Andrew rides his horse to the mountains. Anita and Jeff blame one another for Andrew’s escape. Tourist #5 emerges
from her room holding her stomach; she exits the pub. Her beau, Tourist #4, follows her outside and watches her pass
through a special opening in the boundary, leaving town. Tourist #4 sees that Work Camp 39 is completely visible through the
time rift. He freaks, as do Anita and the rest of the locals and tourists who now see it. Gwinlan basks in his glory, ripping apart
a tourist and ordering the rest back inside the pub. Andrew reaches the mountain, where ABORIGINALS attack, drug and
bring him to their camp. Andrew explains he wants to bond with a Light, which the ABORIGINAL ELDER explains is not for

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the corrupt white man; it didn’t work the last time they tried. Andrew professes his belief in honor and justice and how he
wants to destroy Gwinlan. The Elder thinks the white man unfit for bonding. He tells Andrew to leave and be grateful they
didn’t eat him. Andrew snatches a spear and threatens the Elder — he’s not leaving. The Elder relents, giving Andrew a
purple and green substance to drink, which paralyzes him. Tribesman drag Andrew into Apalie Alkira, a granite cavern, and
toss him into a shallow pool of water. Andrew watches Lights emerge from fires surrounding the pool. Another Light
approaches and speaks to Andrew telepathically. Its name is STEPHEN, and he was killed thousands of years earlier. He’s
searched the earth for someone like Andrew who shares his belief in honor and justice. Stephen will bond with Andrew, and
their destinies will forever be entwined. Andrew agrees to it, and Stephen enters his chest. Andrew is privy to Stephen’s
history through an intense vision. He emerges with the Light glow inside his heart and visible through his chest. Bonding
complete, the Elder sends Andrew off to find the justice he seeks. Andrew is more determined than ever. In Chaurus, Gwinlan
vows to kill everyone. The panicked tourists in the pub want to bolt, but the Operator suggests they wait until the event is over.
Then their tour bus crashes through the roof and crushes Jeff under a beam. The bolt for outside, despite Anita’s attempt to
make them stay so Gwinlan can take their life force. Jeanette maces Anita. The tourists find Gwinlan waiting for them. Lights
hover around Gwinlan. Sheriff Bowman reaches the town boundary in his SUV. He sees the freaky rain wall. The tourists are
relieved to see Bowman, who tries driving through the rain, which shreds his vehicle with him inside. The tourists freak.
Gwinlan chuckles. The Lights encircle the tourists, hoping to protect them from Gwinlan who struggles to revert to his spectral
state but still manages to destroy the Lights. The tourists are doomed. Then Andrew returns on horseback, dismounting and
running through the rain boundary. The rain rips him up, but the Light bonding power heals him. He attacks Gwinlan as he
goes after Jeanette. Andrew’s not letting Gwinlan leave Chaurus. Gwinlan’s content to torture Andrew with a flood of
nightmarish memories of his Work Camp 39 rampage in 1913. But Andrew summons his Light power and fights back by
subjecting Gwinlan to a flood of uplifting and positive memories. Gwinlan freaks. How? Andrew shows him the Light in his
chest. Gwinlan lashes out and pummels Andrew, who heals quickly. They battle. Andrew can see Gwinlan’s moves
beforehand, so he gets the upper hand. A fuel tank spills in the mayhem. Andrew has incredible strength and power. Gwinlan
hurtles them both through the time rift and into Work Camp 39, where they battle amid that fateful day when Gwinlan ran wild
amid the prison chaos. Gwinlan drags Andrew into his old cell and beats the shit out of him. Then PRISONER #1, the man
who killed Gwinlan in 1913, attacks him with a shiv. Andrew escapes the cell, his Light losing power. Gwinlan kills Prisoner #1
as GUARDS arrive and Andrew jumps back across the rift into Chaurus. He sees the spilling fuel and tries lighting it with Bill’s
lighter as Gwinlan crosses over, determined to kill him. He doesn’t understand why Andrew has such rage toward him.
Andrew ignites the fuel, which detonates and takes some of Talvert’s General Store with it. Gwinlan’s right pissed, and he’s
determined to peek into Andrew’s mind and discover where the rage comes from. Gwinlan sees Andrew’s memories of April.
Andrew’s too weak to fight him off. Gwinlan shows Andrew April’s last moments alive, including the RAGGEDY MAN killer’s
robbery, rape and murder. Gwinlan laughs at Andrew’s pain. Andrew loses it, summoning all his rage and Light power, and
goes apeshit on Gwinlan while 1000s Lights descend on the town. Andrew beats Gwinlan into submission. Gwinlan
commends Andrew for his balls. Andrew lays off, exhausted. Gwinlan sees his chance to escape Chaurus fade away as the
rain stops and the Lights swarm over the two men and the tourists. One light buzzes the tourists and knocks them all
unconscious. The lights all flare and flash at once, and then the Lights, Andrew, Gwinlan, the Locals and the Operator vanish.
The clouds blow away. At dawn, the tourists wake up, most still drunk and not remembering anything. Chaurus is fully
restored. No sign of damage or mayhem. Jeanette thinks she’s forgetting something or someone. She sees a glint of sun near
the town center, where that once dead tree is alive and well, and there’s no Gwinlan grave. Jeanette finds Andrew’s wallet on
the ground. She stuffs it into a pocket. Later, Andrew returns to his former police station, where the Chief welcomes him back
with open arms. Andrew is a different man, brimming with confidence and inner strength. He muses over April’s photo in his
locker as he dresses for his shift and overhears a radio dispatch announce a hit and run suspect pursuit nearby. The Light
glow brightens in his chest. Outside, he overhears A POLICE OFFICER mention the suspect’s latest location, but then an
IMAGE FLASHE shows Andrew the suspect on a different street. Andrew follows his hunch. Later, that breakfast news show
is back on the air, and the MALE PRESENTER follows up on their Chaurus Lights story from six months earlier, now claiming
their reporter, FALON JANSON, has found a woman who knows the Lights are real. Falon interviews her WITNESS on the
street — it’s Tourist #5, and she’s pregnant, and she’s right pissed the Lights killed her unborn child’s father, who will live on
through the baby, which she plans to name Gwinlan.

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COMMENTS

OVERALL – An ambitious, energetic and ethereally vibrant supernatural

offering with a palpably spooky vibe, vivid horror and paranormal imagery, a
so-so but fixable structure and engaging if sketched-in genre characters, led
by a potentially intriguing protagonist that needs to stop crying and find the
“balls” he’s looking for sooner than later. Writer brings a good multi-genre knack
(horror, western, supernatural, action) and an evocative visual sense. Premise has
chance to book passage beyond setting’s native land, with producer and talent
interest potentially increasing once uneven structure is shored up and characters
(even those doomed to die) get some layering, dimension and dynamism.
Protagonist’s emotional scarring can play a role here, but the hero spirit needs to
manifest from the get-go for maximum audience appeal.

Let’s get right to the details…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CHARACTERS

ANDREW – Yeah, in the end his comes through as the hero and thwarts
GWINLAN, but what we have to sit through character-wise until we get to that
moment is sometimes unbearable and squirm worthy. Frankly, Andrew’s too much
of a pussy to be protagonist material. Yeah, okay, he’s “haunted” by APRIL’s death,
but his cowering and crying and wailing about failing is so unappealing. His
weakness is unsettling. He’s too passive and too much the punching bag (physically
and emotionally). It’s a sizable bump that needs to be dealt with right out of the
gate. Andrew needs to drive the story more and “take charge,” even with the weight
of the past on him, and especially after MARTIN’s death. Instead, he shrinks at
confrontation and conflict. Maybe he’s redrawn more like SHANE or an Eastwood
spaghetti western hero — smoldering, intense, and ready to explode. There’s a bit
of that in here, but pussy ultimately prevails. On p. 31, for example, when “Andrew
hurriedly counts the money in his wallet,” he comes across as too much like a
skittish, naïve dope, especially after having been a street-smart police detective.
Who knows, maybe he only offers JEFF some off his money, which Jeff snatches
out of his hands. Enhance Andrew’s more heroic and proactive traits that simmer
beneath his wounded exterior. SHOW him as being ultimately smarter than Jeff and
the other Locals. No, he doesn’t have to stand with his hands on his hips and make
a Superman pose, but he does need to be strong enough for the audience to hang
their hats on him as the hero for the story’s duration. Lastly, on p. 50, when
“Andrew, though shocked, seems to accept Talvert’s words as truth,” we have to
ask why he’s so quick to believe and accept without pushback. Consider some
knee-jerk scoffing and “this guy’s off his nut” reaction. Would Andrew believe Talvert
without proof? He’s a former detective whose job is evidence-based, no?

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THE DROVERS (PETER / DAVID / BILL / MARTIN) – PETER Has the most
layered characterization. His engagement with Andrew on an emotional level is a
nice choice (See DIALOGUE Section for a suggestion about how tweaking
backstory exposition might enhance their dynamic). Next, it’s a bit of a bump that
Peter would try and start the generator on his own, ignoring his own advice about
not mixing it up with the locals. He’s drunk, so maybe we play up the flirting
established between him and ANITA. Maybe Peter makes the chivalrous gesture,
which she eats up and gives him the go-ahead. Then, after JEFF confronts Peter
and accuses him of sabotage, maybe Anita denies she knew anything about the go-
ahead. Bitch. DAVID doesn’t have much impact for a majority of the story (and even
less when he’s drunk off his ass), but his effort to stop the cattle stampede is a solid
choice in that it at least lets the audience feel something when he eventually goes
splat. It’d be nice, though, to maybe add a sprinkling of backstory to dimensionalize
him. Overall, since the drovers are essentially grist for the Gwinlan mill, consider
amping up and adding some dynamism to the rather superficial “type”
characterizations. That said, BILL’s doughy loser thing has potential, so play up his
lack of luck with the ladies even more. This might help layer his response to Anita
when she makes her fuck proposition, where Bill’s apprehensive at first, expecting
the punch line (like he’s been slapped with many times before). Maybe Anita goes
out of her way to convince him that her wanting to fuck him is not a joke, which
breaks down his defenses and pumps up his ego. In the end, though, the cruel joke
is really on Bill, which he may comment about with a punch line of his own as he’s
hacked apart. Like Bill, MARTIN’s a one-note character for what we SEE of him
onscreen. Consider not making him too much of a dick that the audience doesn’t
feel something when he dies. His parents in the Caribbean thing is bit blah, so
maybe there’s a way to put a twist on his perceived sexting and sex line activities.
Yes, he puts up a horndog and “player” face (peeking in showers, etc.), but maybe
it’s a front. Maybe we’re able to HEAR snippets of his conversations while he “rides
along on his horse, talking on his phone.” Whoever’s on the other end of the call
might reveal something about Martin’s character. Maybe the sad twist is that all his
calls have been to a WOMAN he’s in a serious relationship with, perhaps checking
to see how she’s doing with a pregnancy or their sick child (which Andrew and the
rest might hear in a garbled voicemail or a surprising call that makes it through on
Martin’s “broken” phone), which upends audience expectations and unexpectedly
yanks the sympathy out of them.

CHAURUS RESIDENTS (ANITA / JEFF / TALVERT ) – A decent assortment of

foes (and one sort-of ally) for Andrew. JEFF and ANITA work as an antagonist two-
fer for most of the story (proxies for GWINLAN). Jeff’s bullying gets old after while,
so consider mixing up his approach. It’s too bad a tour bus takes him out —
consider letting our hero dispatch the henchmen on his way to vanquishing the
antagonist. The implied sexual thing between Anita and Gwinlan is icky (yet cool!).
Consider ramping that up. If she’s hot for the ghost, SHOW us more of her reaction
after Gwinlan’s sexy time grope and titty squeeze. Also, maybe she climaxes while
she fucks and hacks away at poor Bill. With TALVERT, his pedophile thing is a bit
on the nose. One would expect he wouldn’t keep his “piles of Polaroids of children”

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lying about his store back room. Next, it’s not clear how he would know the Lights
have considered Andrew for bonding. Is it just from “watching” him? Maybe ever
since Talvert went through the ritual, some residual juju still exists, so his radar
goes off when he’s close to Andrew. Maybe whenever the Lights send Andrew a
signal, Talvert has a Danny-from-THE SHINING fit and gets an image fragment
pointing to Andrew. Maybe Talvert mentions something he’s seen in one of the
flashes, which Andrew saw too. Talvert needs to convince Andrew (and the
audience) that he’s not loony and full of shit. This may help justify Andrew’s
accepting what he says as truth (which is a bump with his character).

TOURISTS – As long as the speaking TOURISTS (and LOCALS, too) aren’t just
set dressing, consider giving them names instead of numbers. That name can be
what visually identifies him or her (GAP-TOOTHED TOURIST, STOCKY LOCAL,
etc.); at least it injects a bit of humanity into them. That said, apart from JEANETTE,
the tourists seem like drunken sheep. Maybe there’s at least one among them who
calls “Bullshit” on the OPERATOR’s Chaurus shtick. Hell, maybe it’s Jeanette, who
gives Andrew some support on top of some potential tension in his pants.

GWINLAN – A decent baddy and antagonist once-removed for Andrew (via Jeff,
Anita and the other Locals). Not sure how or why he gets his psychic powers or
super strength or capabilities to “destroy the world.” He is just a bad ghost from
1913, right? He was just a murderer and rapist while alive. It’s not like he’s SATAN
in human form, or some eons-old evil inhabiting Gwinlan’s body. If he is, we might
need to establish that detail up front. Maybe there’s more to his initial reincarnation
ritual. Speaking of his powers… It’s unclear how Gwinlan is a) able to even keep up
with Andrew and his Chaurus powers, or b) able to SHOW him April’s last moments
as “he becomes completely physical.” His powers should be kaput, no? Writer might
consider establishing and baking in Gwinlan’s power parameters so it doesn’t feel
like he adjusts them if the story needs him to.

STRUCTURE / STORY

Script follows a compressed yet uneven 3-act structure, with equally compressed
and fluid plot points and beats in need or firmer placement.

ACT ONE – Breakfast news show not particularly compelling as an opening or

Opening Image. Writer might consider a PROLOGUE with the Lights in action while
not revealing them to the audience. This may help bolster the supernatural tone and
overall story mood from the get-go. Maybe it’s an “attack” captured on one of the
INTERVIEWEES’ smartphone, which the show treats like the famous Bigfoot
footage, but maybe with a heavy dose of skepticism (“It’s Photoshopped, isn’t it?”)
while establishing the “legend” so we can fuck with the audience when they do
show up later for real. Maybe one of the DROVERS could reference the bad video
he saw on the breakfast show. Another opening might be to dump us right into the
outback with the Drovers, establishing ANDREW as our protagonist doing what he
does best and experiencing his emotional backstory (BTW, his FLASHBACKS

Page 7 of 16
should adopt a darker tone; maybe we SEE Andrew at the actual crime scene,
rather than at the uninteresting police station, SHOW our hero what he did best —
being a detective). Overall, the known world set up is okay, and the character intros
tell us who’s who and what’s what. Not sure what serves as our Inciting Incident
(knocking down that world we’ve set up and presenting our hero with a choice to
act). Is it getting kicked out of town? That’s a tension boost, for sure. The Lights
encounter is too. Martin’s death seems to fit the bill best, though, but it’s late in the
act (the Inciting Incident lives around p. 12 — at least per Snyder’s Save The Cat
structural paradigm, a CI favorite), which compresses any hero debate into a few
lines and gets them headed back to Chaurus lickety-split to call the police, which
works as an act break and story turn of sorts based on Andrew’s decision. And we
have some real “Storm Clouds on the Horizon,” too.

ACT TWO – So the journey back to the Chaurus world is on. Does our hero have a
clear and compelling goal? Is it just to call the police? Is it about finding balls?
Actually, it’s more about our hero and the drovers finding themselves at the mercy
of the Locals, their Gwinlan allegiance and Gwinlan’s powers. While tensions do
rise between the drovers and the Locals, and the momentum builds with the storm’s
arrival and SHERIFF BOWMAN heading to Chaurus, and stakes raise with
Gwinlan’s arrival and the LOCAL #4’s saw incident, Andrew doesn’t elevate above
passenger in the proceedings. He’s marginalized and minimized when he should be
protagonized. BILL bails him out of taking charge of the JEANETTE/TOURIST #4
situation. Jeff literally steps all over him (again) after the TALVERT
Chaurus/Gwinlan lore backstory dump. Even PETER at first quashes and then
pisses on Andrew’s attempt to warn everyone about Gwinlan’s arrival. He’s not very
audience appealing. And in all this “excitement,” we seem to have blown by a story
turning Mid-Point. Maybe it’s Gwinlan’s arrival. Maybe it’s Andrew’s public
humiliation about his Gwinlan arrival announcement. The biggest turn feels like
Peter’s lynching (a False Collapse, where things from now on can only get better),
but that beat doesn’t arrive until the mid-60s (way beyond Snyder’s p. 55, or even
further beyond where it might fall in this script’s compressed page count). Some
realignment is in order if that beat is the Mid-Point. At least the momentum and
stakes pick up once we (and Andrew) get a glimpse of the opening time rift and
Andrew “takes charge,” as it were, though Gwinlan (with ANITA’s help) moves
another step closer to completing his sacrifice by taking Bill’s head. Andrew’s
subsequent emotional crash and burn is an okay Low-Point, though it’s unclear why
he doesn’t snap out of it sooner and get in Anita’s grill while she’s “freshening him
up.” Does the crying cattle trigger his re-emergence and table turning? Anyway,
Andrew leading the escape is a solid heroic choice, even though it’s not clear why
Gwinlan doesn’t simply wield his remaining powers and thwart it, thus preventing
Andrew from making his ABORIGINAL mountain meet-up and bonding with the
Chaurus. Alas, he gets to bond, which is a solid, compelling, story-turning break at
the Snyder-appropriate page marker despite the fact that it leaves…

ACT THREE – … only 10 pages to wrap everything up. Definitely underweighted.

But our hero does forge onward with the tools (re: STEPHEN CHAURUS and his

Page 8 of 16
powers), lessons learned and knowledge needed to confront his dilemma head-on,
prevail and achieve his goal. Solid, energetic climax. Good battle. Ultimately not
quite sure what the time rift has to do with anything between Andrew and Gwinlan,
though, or why it was even opened in the first place. Is it just so Gwinlan can “show
him where he comes from?” A bit of a bummer that Andrew doesn’t get to fully
vanquish and dispatch Gwinlan (the Chauruss clean up the mess and everything
else). Anyway, Andrew prevails, gets his balls back (there’s no more crying — yay!)
and retains the Chaurus power to do good. But did Andrew succeed? Tourist #5 has
the unborn “Gwinlan.” Maybe we drop some sequel bait on the ending and suggest
Andrew and Tourist #5 are “destined” to meet in the big city, where the battle
between good and evil will continue. Just a thought.

SCENEWORK / PLOT LOGIC

Pretty good scenework, overall, with decent connective tissue and linkage, though
the logic can be sketchy and convenient at times (several examples indicated
below). There are opportunities for bloat trimming to tighten scenes up. Some good
conflict throughout, even if the dust-ups with the Locals can get repetitive (How
many times does Jeff have to beat up on Andrew and make him cry?). Just
remember that the trick to solid scenework is to get in (preferably late, but just in
time for the important bits), expand what we know about the characters and their
objectives, make the scene/story point, and then get out when the getting’s good,
on strong action or DIALOGUE beats, sending the audience headlong into the next
scene (letting the previous scene continue on without us) with maximum propulsion.
Be lean and mean when doing so, too — every scene, and every word within that
scene, must serve the story. That said, here are some scene-specific comments
and suggestions (with more marked-up throughout the script)...

p. 6 - When did Martin and Bill leave the pub table? Given Peter’s “no bullshit” edict,
one would think he’d go out of his way to keep an eye on them and not let them
leave. Their suddenly appearing outside feels jump cutty anyway.

p. 17 - “The Chaurus Light slowly moves through the cattle…” Consider more WTF!
from these guys, rather than just stunned silence and “terror.” “It’s one of them
damn lights.” “Don’t be daft.” “What the hell is it then?” That said, consider
peppering in more skepticism, where they try and rationalize and explain away what
they saw. This might stoke some conflict flames in the group. Maybe MARTIN’s the
most vocal about it being nonsense… and he winds up with a rock in his skull,
which the others mistakenly blame on the Lights knowing to eliminate a potential
problem.

p. 23 - Between the TOUR OPERATOR and the drovers, the overall response to
Martin’s death is mighty blasé and matter of fact. There’s a dead guy here, folks!
BTW, How might the scene’s dynamic change if the TOURISTS hear about Martin’s
death? One might overhear and relay it to the rest, where panic spreads and the
Operator has to deal with it in his own inimitable way.

Page 9 of 16
p. 47 - “Upon seeing Andrew, he cautiously walks up to him and taps him on the
shoulder, trying to avoid being seen.” It would be difficult not be seen approaching
Andrew and Jeanette on the dance floor, especially right after everyone’s just seen
the Bill/TOURIST #4 “kiss.” Logic potholes can tweak the story axle.

- Andrew’s April DREAMS/FLASHBACKS are kind of blah. Fuck ‘em up. Reinforce
the supernatural tone. Maybe take advantage of the Chaurus involvement and
manipulation, where each dream degenerates into a nightmare that includes
Gwinlan. Treat them as the Chauruss planting Andrew’s call to action in his mind —
SHOWING him that evil will destroy everything if he doesn’t do something.

- If the Locals just need four heads to sacrifice for Gwinlan, why wouldn’t they kill
Andrew after he intrudes on their Peter lynching? Two drovers with one rope, no?

p. 69 - ANDREW: I’m taking charge of the group… Rather than use DIALOGUE, let
Andrew’s action speak for him. As the athletic shoe conglomerate says, “Just do it!”

p. 82 - “He sees a large mass of cattle falling down a very high drop.” Nice image!

p. 87 - “The Elder hands Andrew a small clay cup. Inside, a horrid looking purple
and green glop, which he considers for a moment before downing it in one gulp.”
Impulsive, isn’t he? How does Andrew know it isn’t poison? Maybe he insists the
Elder drink first to test it out. “You first…”

p. 91 - “… as the Sheriff’s vehicle is pulled upward and around the wall of rain,
being ripped apart…” Cool visual, if awkwardly worded. BTW, How do Andrew and
David (and their horses) make it through the razor rain with just the clothes and skin
on their backs when Bowman’s steel SUV is ripped to shreds? Andrew doesn’t have
his Chaurus Light powers yet. Another logic pothole.

- How fucked up would it be if the Work Camp 39 PRISONERS escaped from their
cells into Chaurus, perhaps going after the Tourists. Hell, maybe a few try running
out of town, where they’re summarily shredded. Speaking of the time rift… What
happens to it after Andrew and Gwinlan pop back into Chaurus? Is it still there while
they fight? Is it still there after the Lights wash everything away? Feels like a loose
end. Also, if Andrew disappears along with every other hint of trouble at Chaurus,
wouldn’t his wallet disappear too? Feels like some convolution. Perhaps there’s a
subtler and emotionally resonant remainder/reminder JEANETTE can see.

p. 99 – It’s unclear how Andrew returned to the city and his old police station. What
happened after the Chaurus energy wipe? Did the Lights drop Andrew off? Again,
the convolution level is higher than it should be here.

CRAFT:

Page 10 of 16
Writer brings a straightforward if sometimes uneven style, which can make for a
bumpy read. Writer does show a knack for supernatural/paranormal imagery, as
well as for action. That said, Writer might consider breaking up the bigger blocks of
SCENE DESCRIPTION into smaller, more easily digestible (re: readable) chunks to
pick up the energy, the read flow and help open up the whitespace on the more
than a few ink-heavy pages. Thinning out the CHARACTER blocking and gesture
minutiae (standing, turning, looking up, chuckling, smiling, etc.) will help too. Page-
count is in the industry wheelhouse, though might fall into the mid-90s with
editorial/revision suggestions made here, giving Writer room to expand character
and story. Lastly, Writer has an okay grasp of formatting nuts and bolts, yet there
are areas in need of attention and improvement, such as:

- Avoid repeating LOCATION info from SCENE HEADINGS in SCENE

DESCRIPTION. We know where we are, thank you, so move on. No sense
cluttering up the page with more black anyway (p. 2, for example):

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Andrew is sitting at his desk in a bustling police station…

The above example also highlights the noticeable difference between Active Voice
and Passive Voice. Screenwriting is all about action and doing. Characters do
things. Characters scream. Characters bleed. Characters whatever. Passive Voice,
while it does have its place in certain situations, can suck away the writing’s energy,
sometimes leading to awkward sentence structure and a clumsy read. Use Active
Voice and action verbs instead, which save you words and, eventually and over the
course of the script, page count. So, applying both tips might get us something like:

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Andrew sits at his desk amid the COP and PERP bustle…

- Consider using SLUGS (SUBHEADERS) in lieu of SCENE HEADINGS when the

action continues/moves through rooms and areas within an already established
LOCATION (like inside the Pub — examples marked up in script). This helps with
read flow and opens up whitespace. We can also use SLUGS to establish scene
geography and move the “camera” without acknowledging a camera or suggesting
camera moves (“The camera pans to the first man…” “We see…”), which is the
Director’s job. The Writer’s job is to tell the story (p. 17, for example):

20 METRES AHEAD

A SIX-INCH WIDE ORB of non-transparent white light hovers

silently above the ground.

Page 11 of 16
Also notice how we can apply ALL CAPS and underlining to important beats and
cool imagery to help them stand out.

- Be vigilant about typos; be they misspellings (on p. 4, maybe the BOUNDARY

POSTS are made from “very old wooden poles,” instead of “polls.”), punctuation
(commas, commas, everywhere…), awkward grammar or formatting missteps.
There are a lot here (marked up throughout the script). Even if you think you’ve
proofread the hell out of the script, do it again. Then let someone else proofread it.
It’s amazing what fresh eyes can find. Bottom line — put your best page forward.
Let agents and studio readers SEE you’re serious about your craft.

- Turn off “Automatic Character Continueds,” which can clutter up a script with
unnecessary ink, especially a spec, which is all about showcasing the storytelling
and characters. Most screenwriting software packages allow you to deactivate this
setting. The thinking behind this is even if SCENE DESCRIPTION breaks up a
character’s DIALOGUE, we know who’s in the scene and who’s speaking.

- Try to avoid ORPHANS. If a paragraph or sentence has one too many words (the
one hanging off alone on a new line), it’s a good bet we can pull it up by expressing
the thought or conveying the image with fewer words. It’s good creative practice.
Yeah, it’s cosmetic too. And the bonuses are less ink on the page and perhaps
even fewer pages in the long run (p. 1, for example, is one of many marked
throughout the script):

The FEMALE PRESENTER rolls her eyes and looks at the other
guy.

- Announce DREAMS and FLASHBACKS via SCENE HEADINGS (as opposed to

SCENE DESCRIPTION). There are several formatting approaches to choose from
that we can apply to both. Just remember to pick one approach and be consistent
throughout the script (p. 67, for example):

Andrew looses consciousness…

FLASHBACK [or DREAM] - INT. POLICE STATION - CHIEF’S OFFICE - DAY

And always remember to bring us out of said FLASHBACKS with a:

BACK TO PRESENT

Usually, we get out of DREAMS when a CHARACTER wakes up in a subsequent

scene. If it’s unclear, though, we can always SLUG it out with an: END DREAM

PACING

Page 12 of 16
Breakfast news show opening aside (it’s blah, energy-wise), the drover and
Chaurus set up comes at a nice, even keel. The tension picks up a bit once we add
the Chaurus Lights and Gwinlan histories to the mix, even if they’re harmless tales.
The drover eviction starts us on the momentum rise, and the Chaurus encounter
and Martin rock death sets us off and running. The tension builds from there,
bringing the drovers back to Chaurus and into the Gwinlan shit, though the sense of
urgency feels hampered by Andrew’s overall reluctance to engage once that shit
hits. It’s as if his lack of fortitude applies the brakes. The FLASHBACKS can hinder,
too. Unless FLASHBACKS add to the storytelling and keep it moving forward,
they’re in the way. Eventually, Andrew snaps out of it and goes balls out (which
helps the momentum), but getting there is a bit of a drag. Lots of full-steam-ahead
once he and David break out, and the careening toward the final Gwinlan battle is
solid.

DIALOGUE

Some pretty good exchanges throughout. Not as natural sounding and

conversational as it could be, and it often comes across as stiff and on the nose.
Next, be careful with exposition overload. Yes, the Operator’s Chaurus Lights
storytelling serves a purpose, but Peter and Andrew diving into Andrew’s past, or
Talvert’s Gwinlan history, can overwhelm — there’s nothing less interesting for an
audience than watching CHARACTERS talk backstory. With Peter and Andrew, for
example, it kind of feels story-convenient that Peter just now — with the audience
here — asks about Andrew’s past, and he just now offers it up. Maybe we establish
that Peter knows the rough April outline, but Andrew finally feels comfortable filling
in the missing bits. This approach can help establish their relationship and dynamic
too. Next, consider condensing and consolidating lines to tighten up the scenes
(Jeff’s p. 26-27 “community” and “keeping secrets” lines into one potentially creepier
speech), eliminate repetition and redundancy, and trim out the small talk to make
scene and story points quicker (examples are marked up accordingly). Next, be
consistent with Direct Address, which should be set off with commas on both sides
of the address, or at least after (p. 5, for example):

ANITA
Evening, gentlemen. Name’s Kathy-
Lee. Just passing through?

Lastly, avoid PARENTHETICAL overload. And avoid overloading them with

expanded character action better suited to SCENE DESCRIPTION (as opposed to
smaller gestures, or if the action it describes counters what the DIALOGUE
indicates — subtext). PARENTHETICALS are a polarizing screenwriting element,
regardless. While there’s no hard or fast rule, we at CI suggest taking a more
cautious and sparing approach.

MARKETABILITY

Page 13 of 16
Story’s supernatural bent and cool visuals may not be studio tentpole material, but
relatively contained story presents opportunity for producers (mini-major and indie)
looking for genre material to feed various pipelines (domestic and international
theatrical, genre cablers like SyFy and Chiller in the U.S., Direct-to-Video and
Netflix). Australia-centric story poses little if any obstacles to reaching beyond
continent’s “boundary poles,” as presentation isn’t too steeped in “Aussie”
idiosyncrasies. Characters bring potential opportunities for established and up in
coming genre talent, though not-as-strong-and-compelling-as-he-could-be
protagonist needs a boost and revamp to attract genre A-lister (or even mainstream
B-Lister) and thus draw audience demo in.

TITLE

Pretty good, though it might be a bit stiff and journalistic (like we’d find in a
Discovery Channel program or even a magazine article). Definitely brings a
paranormal or supernatural flavor (a la Loch Ness or Bigfoot or any UFO-based
conceit), which helps suggest genre, but maybe the poster pop isn’t quite there yet.
While we do get a solid handling of the Lights as a story element, how might we
also address the Gwinlan thread (which is mighty substantial, story-wise) and
Andrew’s personal journey and bonding with the lights too? As it stands, the title
can work, but Writer might consider brainstorming for more of a grabber.

CONCLUSION:

A solid genre piece start here, with engaging chills, thrills and vivid
supernatural/paranormal imagery. Writer shows a knack, for sure. Structurally,
script is a work in progress. Totally fixable, though, especially after locking in beats
and plot points. Protagonist needs those hero’s “balls” sooner than later, as
audience may tire of the anguish and stray. Nothing earth shattering with respect to
the genre, but spooky premise and relatively contained setting with an outbackdrop
may bring interest from smaller budget producers and genre talent. Keep up the
good work, keep on writing, and thanks for submitting to Coverage Ink.

Page 14 of 16
 

YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

X
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

X X
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

X
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the tone for the rest of the
X
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X X

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

X
and ability?

Page 15 of 16
Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of
X
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X X
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Page 16 of 16
 CLASSIC FEATURE COVERAGE

TITLE XXXXXX GENRE Comedy

WRITER(S) XXXXXX CIRCA Present

SUBMITTED BY XXXXXX LOCATION US

FORM / PAGES Screenplay / 78 BUDGET Med

DATE XXXXXX ANALYST XXXXXX

LOGLINE

Removed for writer confidentiality.

COMMENTS

Hey XXXXXX! Thanks so much for sending this script along. This was a ton of fun to
read, and I found that you had such a great knack for creating stakes within the small
world of Madison. The dialogue in particular was the high point of the script for me.
The one liners like, “I’m tolerating you back.” from Otis made me laugh out loud, and
made the writer’s intelligence come through in spades.

There was a lot to love about this script. The way the girls spoke to one another
suggested a clear rhythm and banter, and though I think there’s some more character
development that you can do in here, there was a lot I felt about their camaraderie and
the roles that each plays in the group by the end of the story.

www.scriptreaderpro.com
This definitely has the makings of a strong teen high school “love” story and I think
that leaning into that genre and watching as many films of this ilk as you can would be
great for correcting some of the structural notes I’ll go into in just a moment. I say love
in quotes because, the real love story is Madison and her awesome pack of girlfriends!
I’d also suggest that you find ways to push the envelope and really throw these girls
unique curve balls, as the concept felt a bit straight forward in a way that felt a bit
familiar.

Jumping into it! One of the issues that I had upfront was that you have so many
wonderful characters, but I found it took me a while to place the differences between
Madison and her friends in here, because there weren’t any character descriptions that
might help us get a sense of who they are right off the bat. For example, giving us age
and a physical descriptor is a great first step in character establishment. “MADISON
(20), wears ripped jeans and an old soccer jersey.” feels like a much different person
than, “MADISON (15), wears a short, pink dress and too much makeup.” To go further
here, you can also give us an indicator based on something we can see. For example,
“CASSIE (14) sits smugly by Madison in a stylishly worn bomber jacket. Her sharp gaze
misses nothing.” While I’m not saying these descriptors are necessarily right for your
characters, the important thing is to give us a simple yet specific idea of who they are,
so that we can inform their dialogue and get an immediate sense of characteristics
Without having that introduction, I found that characters didn’t stick as clearly in my
head, making it hard to follow and root for them and also making it easy to mix them
up. In particular, Cassie and Claire were hard to separate at times because their names
looked very similar. On this point, regardless of character intros, I’d change either
Cassie or Claire’s name to look a bit different on the page so you don’t risk any
confusion within the read.

To stick with Madison a bit, I thought her need for breaking out of her shell was a great
person to have some fun with. The idea of “Have an adventure, Baker.” is a solid
jumping off point for your story, and I loved when Madison went into her clarifying
regret that she should’ve done more. I think this needs to come much earlier in the
story, and, not to sound like a broken record, but you can start to build this idea as
soon as we meet Madison with a character introduction and an immediate choice that
shows she needs an adventure. The corny version of the kind of visual you need initially
is the yearbook she flips through as she packs her room, looking at all the clubs she
wasn’t a part of.

www.scriptreaderpro.com
Jumping into structure! My general note here, is that I think reframing your story to be
more of the quest to get to Ryan’s (side note: Ryan Bright is an amazing crush name!)
would be a great way to expand out the material you have here, and keep the story
moving forward. What I mean by this is, Madison took a while to finally give into
Cassie, that for much of the script she was trying to get back home rather than trying to
get to Ryan’s. I’d rework this, so that by page 25 or so she’s fully committed to the
adventure, and the meat of the story is the hiccups the girls face in their way and the
wild abandon for which Madison starts to act as she leaves a trail of chaos in her wake.
A wake she’s going to have to deal with when it’s revealed she’s not leaving at all at the
end. This would allow your plot to be clear and singular, while your subplot of the girls’
friendship and what happens when Madison, the glue, leaves town can reach into your
scenes, affecting these girls at every turn. For example, when Claire tells Madison that
she can’t wait to not deal with Cassie anymore, that was something I wished we’d
gotten a bit earlier, then we can see some of the cracks growing in this friend group as
well as start to see Madison’s concern over her friends, her real crushes.

To get more specific, reworking your first act is where you’re going to get the story to
start to click into place with a bit more strength. We spent a lot of time at Madison’s
house as the first scene and it felt like it dragged on just a bit. I’d consider showing
some different elements of Madison even before we get here. For example, maybe we
see her packing up her room, interacting with her family, etc. before her friends come
over. I think chopping down on this would be a solid way to get you to the sneaking
out element sooner, so that by your break into act two, we’re post spray paint moment
(where Madison is dipping her toes into the rush) and Madison has had time to
consider the options and returns from her debate period fully committed to this idea of
adventure. While your sequencing works, it just needs to be condensed so that we’re
moving along at a quicker clip, and I think we need to get that moment when Madison
decides that she’s down for this, rather than be dragged along the whole way.
Otherwise, I don’t truly get Cassie’s need being more powerful than Madison’s for this
journey, and think she can be the instigator, but actually do her job and convince
Madison that this is a good idea. Their subsequent adventures then, are not trying to
get home but rather trying to get to Ryan’s and dealing with the various obstacles in
their way.

I like Cassie’s backstory, and it added a lot to her character and why she struggles to let
people in. It also explains why Madison is one of the few she does let in. However, it
didn’t do enough to give that clear motivator about why she’s pushing Madison so hard
to go talk to Ryan.

www.scriptreaderpro.com
I think it made sense to be if she suggested it and plead with her to do it, but her
refusal to give up even when it’s clear her friend doesn’t want to do that is an
interesting choice that needs perhaps a more inventive reasoning behind it and is
maybe an opportunity for a further reveal that can thrust them apart later on. I also
think Cassie’s monologue about her mother could maybe be placed further in the third
act. It felt like a great character revelation, and we’re missing a bit by not leading up to
this after Cassie has perhaps made some bad decisions or gotten into it with Madison,
and explains by way of apology. This leads into a bigger note here, about how the
journey to Ryan needs to pull them apart more, while ultimately bringing them back
together. Let all their separate hurts, worries and goals climax to this moment where
they are at odds, and Ryan being out of town is the last straw before they all turn on
each other. That rift is needed to bring them back with more strength, and will
ultimately give us a more satisfying ending.

A little sequencing beat that I had a hard time with, was the loss of Nina’s glasses at the
same moment that Otis was driving back their way. This felt a little coincidental, and I’d
suggest leaning into the problem behind Nina’s glasses and actually making this more
of a new beat, where they have to divert from their current path to go take care of this
issue. Maybe Nina is not only drunk, but blind and panicking, making it something
they’re forced to deal with. At 79 pages, you have some room to expand, and giving
this the time it needs to develop so it doesn’t seem quite as written would be a great
way to further layer their journey.

From a formatting standpoint I’d keep your name/contact information on the title page
rather than having it spill over to the first page of your story. I’d also stay away from
using “MENTALITY FILMS PRESENTS, A XXXXXX FILM” in favor of a simple
“OPENING TITLES.” It just lets your reader live in the story, while also allowing that
part of the filmmaking process to be saved for much further down the line.

I’d try to slim your action blocks down a bit so they’re closer to four lines or so. This is
because readers tend to skim when confronted with a large chunk of text, and creating
more white space on the page can ensure that readers aren’t missing important details
that are hidden within your action blocks. Some of your lines could get more efficient,
but also it could be a matter of separating your action blocks and natural break points
to spread those out. This was more an issue at the beginning of the script, and
therefore made your first two pages feel a bit dense. Contributing to this was a lot of
description that focused on camera angles, and the way the script was shot. While
definitely a choice that shows intention behind the writing, I felt like it took away from
the story, and found it hard to totally immerse myself in the script.

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I’m all for emphasizing points and moments with camera movement and specific
choices, but I’d recommend scaling back on this just a hair and give more platform to
the emotional mechanics and choices of the characters, especially in your pivotal first
moments.

I also noticed your scene headers need a bit of finessing. There was a point where the
time of day dropped off when we stayed in NIGHT for a while. I’d keep referencing
time of day, and also stick to a period after INT./EXT. For example, “EXT STREET
NIGHT” should be “EXT. STREET - NIGHT” to keep it consistent throughout.

Additionally, make sure to cap your character names the first time we’re meeting a
character. For example, Joslyn was never given an introduction, and was referred to as
a girl walking towards them and it was a little confusing when a Joslyn started to speak.
This happened with Otis and Walt as well, so just make sure that you’re being clear
when we’re meeting those characters that will have subsequent dialogue.

Last little formatting note, but I’d make sure to center your parentheticals on their own
line. For example:

PAIGE
(annoyed)
Okay, fine.

CONCLUSION

This has a lot of potential to be a really strong story with dynamic characters and a
heartfelt ending. I’d first step back and restructure a bit so that you can get the
framework where it needs to be. When doing this, ask yourself how you can track and
stay true to not only Madison’s evolution, but also Cassie, Claire and Nina. While we
got a chance to touch base on each of their storylines separately, I didn’t feel like they
had much intention or affect within the story, and making these spill over into your plot
and the progression towards them being at odds with one another is going to give
some layers and subplot to your story. It all feels a bit too easy for these girls at times,
and since the biggest thing I cared about was their friendship, I’d love for you to
rework that structure to give your characters an opportunity to lose it all. After
restructuring, that’s when I’d take the deep dive into reworking and specify your
characters, starting with strong introductions and giving more clarity on the page
through consistent formatting choices. Well done and best of luck on your next draft!

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RATINGS GRID

1ST CLASS SOLID NOT BAD WEAK

Concept X

Story X

Structure X

Protagonist X

Antagonist X

Stakes
X
Character

Minor
X
Characters

Dialogue X

Scenes X

Pacing X

Theme X

Tone X

Writing Style X

Marketabilit
X
y

Formatting X

Grammar X

Title X

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SCRIPT RECOMMENDATION:
DEVELOPMENT NEEDED / CONSIDER / RECOMMEND

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 COVERAGE, INK. ANALYSIS

TITLE: [title]
LOCALE: England/Hollywood, FL/Denmark
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: Present Day/841 A.D.
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Comedy/Broad comedy/Teen comedy
BUDGET: High
DRAFT DATE: n/a
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE:

A meek eleven-year-old boy has a Viking (from the 9th century)

show up in his life. While the boy hides the Viking and helps
him adjust to 21st century life, the Viking helps the boy become
strong – like a Viking.

SYNOPSIS:

841 A.D. Devonport, England. All hell breaks loose as Vikings sack
and pillage with abandon. Their leader, NJORL IRONSIDE, attacks an
abbey, even though a MONK warns Njorl that “we are the keepers o’ the
Sacred Towel.” Back on the high seas, the Monk is tied to a mast.
Njorl crams the Scared Towel in the Monk’s mouth. The sea becomes
extremely rough. The ship breaks apart. The mast falls on Njorl’s
skull, knocking him unconscious, as the ship disintegrates.

PRESENT DAY. Hollywood, Florida. CLARK KIMBALL (11) and his African-
American friend, BENNY (11) watch a cute girl PAIGE SWANSON (11) walk
by on the schoolyard. Benny encourages Clark to make “a move” on
Paige, but her tough “boyfriend” ALVAREZ, shows up. After school,
Clark goes to the beach, Clark plays with action figures – one is
Thor. Meanwhile, on the sea, Njorl (bloodied) hangs on to his shield
for life. Njorl, with his sheathed ax, washes ashore. Clark discovers
him and gives Njorl mouth-to-mouth. Njorl wakes up. Njorl sees Clark’s
Thor doll and bows to Clark. Clark puts Njorl in a shopping cart and
takes Njorl and puts him in a storage room in his family’s garage.

1
Later, WALTER (40), (Roberta’s second husband) tries to bond with
Clark (his stepson), but Clark is not receptive. Walter thinks Clark
hates him.

Clark shows Benny Njorl. Njorl is grateful to Clark for saving his
life. Later, Benny tells Clark (on a walkie-talkie) about how famous
they will be when everyone finds out about Njorl. But, Clark wants to
keep Njorl a secret. Meanwhile, a reporter for the National
Inquisition, BROCK RODNEY (20s) overhears the walkie-talkie
conversation. Before going to bed, Clark watches a videotape of his
real father – a bass player in a rock band. The next day, Clark vows
to help Njorl survive in the 21st century and wants Njorl to help him
“kick ass like a Viking.”

Rodney tells his boss, LULUBELLE, that he has a great Viking story.
Lulubelle tells him to get photos. Meanwhile, Walter takes Clark and
Roberta to Wacky Mountains. Walter, who works for WackyCorp, has VIP
passes. Meanwhile, Njorl causes havoc in town. A woman who thinks
Njorl is a costumed character from Wacky Mountains, points Njorl in
the right direction. Clark takes nervous Walter on a mega-roller
coaster, but Clark hops off before it starts because Benny calls
Walter on the walkie-talkie and tells him Njorl is loose. Njorl
destroys the “It’s a Tiny Planet” ride. Benny and Clark take Njorl
back to the garage. Roberta is mad at Clark for treating Walter
poorly. Roberta takes away Clark’s TV and puts it in storage (but
doesn’t see Njorl). Njorl destroys the TV. In a voiceover, Njorl says
that he believes he landed in “Iceland” and wants to escape and return
to his home and see his son, Bjorn. Meanwhile, Rodney continues
searching for Njorl.

At school Clark passes a note to Paige. Alvarez sees the note and
later clobbers Clark in the lip. Meanwhile, Njorl sneaks out of the
garage, goes to an inlet and begins building a ship. Later that
night, Njorl sees Clark’s fat lip and threatens to kill the person who
did it. Clark calms him down. Njorl shows Clark how to fight with a
sword. They make a wreck out of Clark’s house. Clark is sent to his
room when Roberta sees what he did. He calls his father, TOMMY – who
is on the road with his band. Clark wants Tommy to visit, but Tommy
says he is too busy. Roberta comes into the room and hugs Clark.
Meanwhile, Njorl keeps working on his ship – and scoring a few babes.
Rodney finds Njorl and takes pictures. Njorl sees Rodney and ties him
to a tree. The next day, in the local paper there are pictures of
Njorl causing damage in downtown Hollywood. At school, Paige asks
Clark about his swollen lip. Clark asks if he can kiss Paige. She
laughs. Njorl shows up on the school grounds and Benny and Clark whisk
him away.

Rodney escapes from the tree. Meanwhile, Njorl tells Clark that you
“never ask a girl for a kiss, you just do it.” Clark acts a bit too
much like a Viking at home and is grounded. Later, Walter “ungrounds”
him. Walter asks Clark about Tommy. Clark shows Walter a videotape.
Walter feels he doesn’t match up to Tommy. Njorl finishes his ship.

2
Rodney leads reporters to Clark’s house. Walter and Roberta chase the
reporters away, but later Clark shows them Njorl. Clark asks them if
he can keep Njorl, but they say no. The police show up to arrest
Njorl. Walter helps Clark by stalling the cops. Njorl takes Clark to
the inlet to see his ship. Clark then takes Njorl to Wacky Mountains
to talk to an employee, STEPHANIE (who speaks Danish). Clark has
Stephanie tell Njorl that that he has traveled through time. The
police appear again. Clark gets into a jeep and drives Njorl to the
ship – chased by the cops. They say goodbye. Njorl sails off.

Njorl sails to his home, but doesn’t recognize it anymore. He goes to

a hill and digs in the ground. Back at school, Clark fights Alvarez
and using his Viking skills defeats him. Then, he kisses Paige. Two
months later at the beach, Benny and Clark see Njorl’s ship again. It
is decked out in jewels and gold. Stephanie is on the ship with Njorl.
Stephanie says she’s going to get Njorl a job at Wacky Mountains.
Days later, Njorl and Clark race through the streets – two Vikings.

3
COMMENTS

OVERALL

An engaging, well-structured, well-written story with a good

deal of solid humor. The story is light-hearted and fun. It
was a quick read. The author knows his stuff and has done solid
work. The premise is not super unique -- we’ve seen this type
of movie before -- but it offers a lot of possibility for
comedic scenes, and it seems to be an evergreen. In other words,
like body-swap and vampire movies, there will always be a market
for fish-out-of-water stories with a kid and an oddball (ET,
Encino Man, etc.)

The story has a solid structure. The tension is good for most of
it – though parts of the second act feels episodic and the
subplots at times slow things down. The second act tension could
be beefed up a bit. The protagonist is an engaging character
and has a solid arc (as does the Viking) -- but both characters
could be developed a further. The secondary characters are
colorful, but a bit stereotypical, particularly for a “teen
comedy” (the audience for the story).

Though it is a broad comedy and the audience will be suspending

belief, there are some believability issues. The story is a bit
predictable in regards to the school subplot, although the
ending is fresh and interesting, the tale overall heart-warming
and fun. The author needs to streamline the story, develop the
supporting characters a bit more, address some believability
issues and use his great imagination to come up with some fresh
scenes that will surprise the audience. The script has great
potential. So let’s look under the hood and give this baby a
tune-up...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CHARACTERS

CLARK – A solid protagonist. He has a good arc – he goes from

being a meek kid trying to adjust to life without his father to
being a confident kid who accepts his new stepfather. And the
Viking helps him get there.

The author should look at the relationship between Clark and his
real father. First of all, it doesn’t seem that Roberta and
Tommy could have ever been a couple. Roberta seems strait-laced
and Tommy is just too wild. Why does Clark miss his father so

4
much, when Tommy was probably never really around, never really
a father to him at all? Is he just acting out against his mom?
Or is it something in dad’s rock star persona that’s appealing,
despite him not actually being in the picture?

Perhaps it would be better if Tommy were NOT a rock star, but

just a man who was unhappy in his marriage and left. The rock
star stuff is a bit over the top and undercuts the touching
scenes between Roberta/Clark and Walter/Clark anyway. Make him
a normal guy and more folks will be able to relate. After all,
how many of us have dads who are rock stars?

Also why does Clark like Paige so much? And why does Paige like
him in the end? Is he just because he stands up to Alvarez?
That’s predictable and a bit shallow. It feels like this beat
needs to be thought through a bit more, because now it just
feels motivated by other movies. Perhaps when Clark finally
stands up to Alvarez, he chooses another girl instead of Paige –
after all, she laughed at him.

WHY is Clark such a meek kid at the beginning? He seems fairly

confident and a bit cocky. Is he meek just because he is in a
new school and because he is without his father? The
contradictions in the way he’s depicted call for a bit of
explanation, or some smoothing out to make him more consistent.
At the same time, let’s work on making Clark seem more like the
new kid. He already has friends (and enemies). When did they
move to this new town and why? How long has Roberta been
divorced from Tommy, and how long has she been with Walter?
Does the Viking simply teach Clark how to fight (and kiss) or
does he teach him something deeper - like how to be strong in
the face of difficulties in life? This might sound like a bit
much for a broad comedy, but if there is a deeper layer here,
then the comedy will be even better.

In short, he’s an interesting young character wuith good

potential for character arc. But let’s be consistent in his
depiction as well as what his exact issue is. It appears that he
learns self-confidence from the Viking, which is terrific. So
let’s make sure we have a few scenes up front that specifically
demonstrate (show, don’t tell) that he is lacking in that area.

NJORL – Great character! Unique, fresh. He is a man who gets

thrown through time and wants to get back home. His
personality, however, seems a little bit different when he
arrives in the 21st century. In 841 A.D. he is brazen, bold,
confident, cocky and calls all the shots. Even though he has

5
washed ashore in a strange land and is saved by Clark, it still
is a little odd that he would take direction from Clark (an 11-
year-old). Yes, he can be beholden to Clark for saving his life
and want to help Clark, but why does he allow himself to stay in
the storage room? Why doesn’t he just sleep by the inlet and
build his ship? Why does he come back to Clark’s house? Also,
is his goal to try to adjust to the “new world” or is it simply
to get back to his home. Perhaps he starts out wanting to “fit
in” in the new world (Iceland), but then he misses his home and
kid and wants to go back.

It would be nice if we saw Njorl interact with Bjorn in the 841

A.D. scenes, so we can see his attachment to his son. Clark
seems to make an arrangement at the end of act one – Njorl helps
him learn how to defend himself and Clark will help Njorl adapt
to the new world. But is this what Njorl really wants? Make
this clearer. If Njorl wants to adapt to his new world, he
should make more of an effort to try to adjust. This would
provide more opportunity for comedy – a Viking trying to
restrain himself. As it is now, Njorl just runs around town
acting like… well, a Viking. It might be funny, at times, to
see Njorl TRYING to act like a 21st century man. As Clark
becomes more and more of a Viking, Njorl becomes more and more
of a normal man. This is what happens at the end, but we should
see more of a progression of his arc throughout the story.

WALTER – A bit too stereotypical. He is a nerdy stepfather who

doesn’t hold a candle to the real rock star father. He seems to
be as wimpy as Clark. Perhaps he is just a normal guy trying to
bond with a kid who doesn’t want anything to do with him. Does
he have to be a wimp?

Let’s maybe think about this another way and try to make him as
fresh as we can. Perhaps HE is an expert on history and is gives
Clark the information about Vikings (rather than from a book).
There can still be awkwardness between the two of them because
Clark hasn’t accepted him yet.

Walter changes at the end when he helps stall the police – but
it is a bit abrupt. Let’s see Walter slowly change throughout
the story as well. Like with Clark, make clear what his arc is.
If his payoff moment is coming around to help the Viking escape,
then logically he should be a guy who follows the rules at all
costs -- a bit of a stick up his butt. So he learns to loosen up
because that’s the only way he can win Clark’s love.

6
And the contrast between Walter and Tommy is too great. Make it
a more subtle, more believable. Njorl is the over-the-top
character here in an otherwise normal world. Keep it that way.
Make EVERYONE else more believable and it the comedy will be
stronger – a classic fish-out-of-water comedy. There has to be a
reason Roberta chose both these men, and if they are wildly
different it seems a bit off -- unless that’s a story issue we
can make hay out of, such as, she dumps carousing bad-boy Tommy
and picks a guy who is super solid but boring.

Let’s see Njorl interact more with townspeople and school kids.
If is a “weird uncle,” let’s see him try to act normal at a kids
party or something. Njorl is often alone building his ship.
That takes away the opportunity for comedy and conflict. Put
him with people (without terrorizing them). That’s where the
comedy gold is.

ALVAREZ – Alas, also a bit stereotypical. Same with Paige. This

whole schoolyard subplot is predictable and a bit boring in an
otherwise fresh script. Find a way to make him unusual. We’ve
all seen the football-playing jackass bully too many times.
Suppose he’s the head of the chess club and gay? Or he is a
young millionaire from some invention? Come up with some stuff
here that’s out of the box and breathe some real life into this
character.

As for Paige -- she can’t just be “the pretty girl.” Let’s see
some interaction with substance between her and Clark. What is
it about her that makes him like her? Do they both play Halo 3
or Plants Vs. Zombies? Maybe she interviewed him for the school
paper. Dig in here and come up with some interesting
interaction. Maybe they can be assigned to work together on a
school project.

ROBERTA – Make her a stronger character. She seems a bit one-

note as well. She’s off to a good start but ultimately we need
to have an idea of why she got out of the previous marriage and
chose to go to Florida with Walter. What does she want out of
life? Does she like being a mom? What is she good at? What are
her quirks, tics, hobbies, foibles, eccentricities? Where did
she grow up? Spend a bit more time developing the female
characters. Male writers often write thin female characters –
take your time, make them fresh, interesting, three-dimensional.

STORY

7
Generally effective, but Act 2 is a bit soft in the area of a
throughline for Clark. Njorl has a more or less clear one --
assemble the parts to build his ship, then escape. But Clark’s
plan seems to be to keep Njorl in captivity, period. Granted
he’s 11 so he probably wouldn’t have the most sophisticated
plan, but let’s think this through a bit more. How can Clark use
Njorl better? As a protector/bodyguard? Personal trainer? Hit
man? Relationship counselor? All of the above? Come up with a
plan here and let’s see if it can at least superficially hold
water. It should also be mentioned here that the young
protagonist faced many of the same issues in ET and didn’t
really have a real plan either, at first. That movie got away
with it because of the heart and humor and characters. And soon
enough, Elliott did indeed have a plan. So let’s have Benny and
Clark strategize and come up with a way to maximize their new
“pet.”

On a minor note, Njorl’s time travel needs to be clarified a

bit. It seems like the Golden Towel had something to do with
Njorl’s getting thrown into the 21st century, but why? And how
come we never hear anything again about the golden towel? How
come Njorl never questions how or why he got thrown out of the
ship? What EXACTLY happened? Why is this towel so magical?
Where did it come from? Where did it go? Where did Njorl get
the jewels? Should we see Njorl hiding the jewels at the very
beginning of the story? In the end, shouldn’t Njorl give some
of his jewels/gold away? This way a bad Viking becomes a good
man. We need to understand (even if it’s just a one-line
explanation) as to HOW Njorl got transported into the future and
how come he can’t go back in time. If he found the golden
towel, could he go back?

The story has a has great sense of humor. However, the use of
scatological humor (farts, vomit etc.) is unnecessary. The
author has created a great comic character (the Viking), a great
comic situation (the Viking in the modern world) and a great
tension – he doesn’t need to rely on these cheap jokes. The
author should eliminate all these types of joke and put in jokes
that come out of the characters and the situations. Yeah, kids
like this kind of stuff, but we’ve seen it SO many times. The
author can do much better.

STRUCTURE

ACT ONE - Nice opening! Don’t think you need the “One minute to
hell” caption. Let’s see Bjorn somewhere in here. Maybe shorten
the opening a bit and get to Clark sooner (perhaps by page 3).

8
Also what is this magic towel? Where did it come from? And WHY
is it magic? Phone call between Roberta and Clark about going
to the beach seems unnecessary. Try to avoid phone calls in the
script. Phone calls are inherently NON-dramatic. The “Thor
action figure” is a bit too coincidental.

Why does Clark decide NOT to have the people at the hospital
examine Njorl? Yes, he tells us later that he’s afraid they
will dissect him, but in the moment we need to see WHY he leaves
the hospital (perhaps there is a crowd gathering around Njorl
and Clark gets nervous.) Keep the Viking dialogue short and
sweet – at times it’s a bit long (we don’t understand any of it
anyway.)

Brock Rodney overhearing Clark and Benny on the walkie-talkie is

too convenient and too much of a coincidence. Come up with a
more believable and more real way that Brock learns about Njorl
(perhaps Brock was at the hospital when Clark came rolling in
with the cart.) Njorl’s voiceover, the Captain’s Log, doesn’t
work very well. It is too expositional and it is odd to hear him
speaking in English all of a sudden. Perhaps he speaks this and
Benny translates. Again, make it short and sweet.

At the end of the first act, Clark and Njorl should make a pact
– I help you, you help me. BUT, it should be clear EXACTLY what
Njorl wants (to assimilate or to go home). Right now, Clark
makes the pact with himself. Overall, a very good end to the
act.

ACT TWO – Good tension in the act and some real fun moments,
but there are a few scenes that have little forward momentum,
such as: Walter and Roberta at the mall, Benny at the radio
station, and Brock being humiliated at the tabloid. Funny bits,
but since they don’t advance the story, that means we have to
jettison them. “Episodic” writing means scenes assembled
together that are not related to a central throughline -- if you
remove one, you’ll never know it was missing. If removing a
scene does not create a plot hole in the script, that means by
definition it needs to get cut or rethought. Think of your
structure in terms of a row of dominoes -- each scene triggers
the next.

Again, what is Clark’s specific goal for this act? To get

Paige? Or is it to help Njorl assimilate into modern society?
Again, make it clear and make it clear what his obstacles are.
That goal provides the mission template, and he needs to be
following it like a laser (despite Njorl pulling him off the

9
rails constantly.) Without this, the act feels a bit adrift.
Come up with that goal to give the act a much-needed throughline
and help the pacing in the process. For example, if Clark’s goal
is to help Njorl get home, then all the scenes need to be about
making the plan and then enacting the plan (and the various
setbacks along the way.)

The Wacky Mountains scenes go on a bit too long. Also it is

MUCH TOO coincidental that Njorl escapes and winds up at the
park at the EXACT time that Clark is there with Walter and
Roberta. Find a reason for Njorl to go there because he knows
Clark is there. You already have him misunderstanding how cars
work, so it’s not a stretch to extend that misunderstanding --
perhaps Njorl thinks Benny’s been kidnapped, and as his sworn
protector, he follows him.

Also, how could Njorl destroy the ride and then get whisked away
by Benny and Clark? Where are the cops? Where are park
security guards? Does he have to completely trash the ride? It
doesn’t have to be SO over-the-top to be funny (also it will be
cheaper to shoot if there is not so much destruction.) Also,
let’s SEE how Benny and Clark get him out of there. Right now
you just cut away with a rather implausible line to explain it
all (although admittedly it is pretty funny.)

Mrs. Flatus doesn’t add much to the script. She can be cut. Why
does Njorl save the Old Man working under the hood of his car?
Njorl is not a man who “saves” people. He pillages, he ransacks
– why does he now want to go around saving people? If the idea
is to show that he’s not just a maniac, then let’s thread this
in a bit earlier as his “Save the Cat!” moment in Act 1.

Clark is weak at school but has no problem talking back to

Roberta and Walter. This is one of those character
inconsistencies mentioned earlier. He should be meek all around
and then at the end learn to stand up for himself in all aspects
of his life.

Why does Njorl all of a sudden want to escape? If so, why does
he keep going back to the storage room? Wouldn’t a Viking be
more comfortable sleeping outside? Again, we could use a bit
more clarity here as to why he sticks around. Something
explaining that he feels he owes Clark his life for saving him,
until Clark grants him his freedom. This could create some very
funny moments of Njorl following Clark everywhere to “protect”
him -- with disastrous results.

10
Why does Paige laugh at Clark, when he tries to kiss her. She
seems to be sympathetic to him – why does she act cruel in this
instance? Let’s SEE how Njorl captures the Cops and how he
captures Rodney. Walter grounded Clark, then he decides NOT to
ground him, just because he wants to find out about Tommy? This
seems odd. Perhaps Roberta wants to ground him and Walter
steps in to defend Clark. The Tommy/Walter contrast is too
big. The end of the act seems to come when Njorl finishes the
ship.

ACT THREE - The new goal for Njorl in this act is to return
home. That works great, but what is Clark’s new goal? To help
him? Again, this is an area that could use a little
clarification. Screenplay structure is like a Christmas tree.
You can’t hang the ornaments until it is standing straight and
tall. So let’s make sure the plan (the throughline) is clear,
and then lay out the scenes in A leads to B leads to C fashion.
For example, the car chase is well-done, but we only see the
police chopper after Clark steals the car. If cops witness the
theft, then the next scene it makes sense for the chopper to be
there, because we’ve SEEN the motivation and thus it follows in
logical order.

That said, the act has some great action and hugely funny set-
pieces. It slows down, however, when they get to the ship and
then Clark takes Njorl to see Stephanie. This is odd. Perhaps
Clark can grab Stephanie and they can go to the ship only once.
Twice to the ship seems like a round trip for nothing – and it
slows down the momentum that you had going. Ending is solid.

DIALOGUE

There are some laugh-out-loud lines in here, and the writer

clearly shows influences ranging from Python to Ren & Stimpy to
Bugs Bunny to Farrelly Bros. There is a real cleverness to much
of the dialogue. Benny’s snarky lines in particular are often
show-stoppers. There are a few groaners here and there as well
(“I know jiu jitsu…”)

The only real weakness with the dialogue is that in a few places
the writer attempts to write dialogue with heart, with only
modest success. This is partly because he can’t resist poking
fun even in those scenes. The problem is that in doing so, it
undermines any actual emotional involvement.

For example, in the heart-to-heart between Walter and Clark,

this would be a great time for some honest, real dialogue. Let’s

11
see Walter’s words actually sting. This will make us feel for
them both -- the hurt step-dad and the kid who’s trapped between
his feelings of abandonment and resentment. Doing so would also
add real resonance to the scene later when Walter finally does
come around and even stalls the cops. Right now that transition
feels more like writerly convenience than a motivated character
arc, because the scenes preceding it were just a bit too tongue-
in-cheek to really propel Walter.

Subtext is another area that could be worked on, particularly in

the Walter/Roberta scenes. There’s a lot that could be conveyed
through body language to define the tension in their
relationship, which has nothing to do with the words being
spoken. Work on adding a layer of subtext into these scenes and
wow, watch those scenes ‘pop’! People love subtext, because we
feel like we’re being let in on a secert -- and also it engages
our brain a bit more as we have to figure things out rather than
the information being handed to us.

MARKETABILITY

As mentioned, the concept is not the most original, but it’s

easy to see someone being interested. There are big, funny set
pieces throughout, and the key dynamic -- Njorl and the boy --
is gold. The big problem is it feels derivative of ET -- but
working in its favor is its broad comedic tone and spoofy
nature. There are even moments in the script spoofing other
movies and product placement -- brilliant!

This may not be a studio film, but there are plenty of places
that could be interested in this as an affordable family movie
in the under $20 million zone. Let’s just make sure we iron out
those throughline and character issues first as well as keep an
eye on the budget.

CRAFT

The writing style is very good. Hardly a typo to be found, as

well as solid knowledge of script format. It’s clear that the
writer has some chops, so I’m confident that he has the ability
to tackle the issues raised herein.

CONCLUSION

I like the script very much. The characters need a bit more
development, the structure needs to be tightened up a bit and
the story needs to be more believable in the “real world” parts.

12
The writer has a great style and is a solid talent. The script
could be a real winner.

I’m giving it a PASS for now but it’s not that far off the mark,
and I feel that if the writer can really knuckle down and
address these problem areas, this one could well become a great
writing sample. Good luck!!

13


YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-developed

X
and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist and

X
not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in his/her

X
quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the TONE for the rest of the
X
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality and

X X
ability?

14
Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of bloat? X

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority of
screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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the info you need to make the script as good as it can be. Here are some resources you
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[email protected].

15
 FEATURE FILM SCREENPLAY COVERAGE

TITLE

LOGLINE (25 words max)

SUBMITTED TO AUTHOR

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READER DRAFT DONE

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LOCATION BUDGET

GENRE
SIMILAR PROJECTS
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PLOT ‎✔

PRODUCTION
‎✔
VALUE

CHARACTERS ‎✔

DIALOGUE ‎✔

SETTING ‎✔

STRUCTURE ‎✔

CASTING
‎✔
POTENTIAL

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 RECOMMEND CONSIDER PASS

SCRIPT ‎✔

WRITER ‎✔

SUMMARY:

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COMMENTS:

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 TV COVERAGE TEMPLATE

TITLE

LOGLINE (25 words max)

SUBMITTED TO AUTHOR

SUBMITTED BY COVERAGE DATE

READER DRAFT DATE

LENGTH TIME PERIOD

LOCATION

GENRE
SIMILAR PROJECTS

ATTACHMENTS

EXCELLENT GOOD FAIR POOR

PREMISE ‎✔

PLOT ‎✔

CHARACTERS ‎✔

DIALOGUE ‎✔

SETTING ‎✔

STRUCTURE ‎✔

SERIES POTENTIAL ‎✔

CASTING
‎✔
POTENTIAL

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 RECOMMEND CONSIDER PASS

PILOT ‎✔

WRITER ‎✔

SUMMARY:

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COMMENTS:

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Create shooting schedules, breakdowns, shot lists, storyboards, call sheets & more.
TITLE:
LOCALE: Suburbs/NYC area
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: Present
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Drama
BUDGET: Low
DRAFT DATE: Unknown
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE: A high school senior, and her younger sister,

learn that their loving father is a cross-dresser. The
family struggles to deal with this as the girl prepares for
her high school graduation.

SYNOPSIS:

Present Day. Suburbs somewhere. Two teenage girls, HOLLY

and JESS ride in a convertible. Holly taks about her
boyfriend Tyler and also says her younger sister, CAITLIN,
went away with her friends for the weekend. Jess drops
Holly off at her house. Holly walks in, sees her father
JOE, wearing his wife’s dress, sandals and makeup. Holly
confronts her father, but just says everything’s okay.
Holly runs to her bathroom, locks herself in. Joe leaves.
Later, Holly tells her mom, SUE, what happened. Sue isn’t
surprised and says she “caught him” several times. Holly
can’t understand why Sue is still with Joe. Sue says she
is because of “you girls.” Sue also says that Joe doesn’t
think there is anything wrong with it. Holly says everyone
thinks Joe is the greatest dad in the world. Sue says she
never wanted Holly to find out. Holly is disgusted.

Caitlin is with her friends LINDSEY and NICOLE. Holly

calls, tells her what happened. Caitlin is shocked. Holly
says that Joe may have been drunk. Caitlin says “dad
doesn’t drink.” Sue takes the phone from Holly. Sue tells

1
Caitlin everything is going to be alright, but says her
father is a transvetite. Caitlin feels sick. Caitlin wants
Joe to go to therapy. Caitlin cries in the bathroom, then
rejoins her friends, says her parents got into a fight. Joe
calls the house. Sue confronts him. Joe laughs, thinks
Holly freaked out too much. Holly doesn’t want to talk to
him. Joe calls back, talks to Holly. Joe tells her he has
done it for as long as he can remember. Joe says Sue
married knowing about it. Holly tells him he’ s hurting
the family. Joe says he doesn’t want to be a woman, he just
likes doing it. He says he did go to therapy once, but felt
he didn’t need it. Holly says she won’t talk to him until
he gets help.

Therapist’s office. The family meets with a THERAPIST.

Holly says she doesn’t know her father and is pissed off.
Holly does say that Joe is a good father – helpful and
dependable. But she says transvestites are psychos. The
therapist says many straight men are transvestites. Joe
says Holly has caught him before, she just didn’t know it.
He tells the story of the day she almost caught him.
Caitlin says she once thought he slurred his speech. Joe
says he doesn’t remember being drunk. Caitlin says he used
her clothes and tells about when she found her clothes had
been stretched out. She felt she couldn’t trust him.
Caitlin had a boyfriend, TOM, put a new lock on her room.
But later, she finds her clothes in her father’s gym back.
Sue says she feel that her marriage is a sham and has lived
with this secret for too long. Sue said she never new it
was a “problem” before they got married. The girls don’t
care if their parents get a divorce. Joe doesn’t want the
girls losing respect for Sue. Caitlin feels that Sue has
deceived them too. Joe says it started when he was 10 and
two girls next door dressed him up in girl clothes. Joe’s
father catches him and yells at him. The therapist asks Joe
if had been sexually abused – but he doesn’t have to
answer.

Holly sits with TYLER and her friends Jess and KRISTY. They
talk about their feelings about their upcoming graduation,
Kristy talks about her mother who’s going through chemo and
how hard it is on her. Jess talks about her mother’s temper
and how strict she is and how she disparages her in front
of her friends. Jess says her father doesn’t do anything
about it. Holly says it will be nice to live away from “our
parents.” Holly tells them she has a hard time with her
parents too, but they don’t believe her because they think

2
her parents are perfect. She gets upset. Jess says she
would love to have a father like Joe. Holly freaks a bit,
then calms down. Holly and Tyler leave. Kristy says Holly
is a “drama queen.”
Tyler tells Holly her friends weren’t putting her down.
Holly tells him she is just worried and sad that school is
ending. They tell each other “I love you.”

Holly sees woman’s clothes in her Joe’s gym bag again.

Holly and Caitlin talk. Holly hates that everyone thinks
they have a perfect family. Holly says she would never tell
anyone because it’s too humiliating. Caitlin says it’s
going to be hard on her when Holly goes off to college.
Holly says Joe is selfish. They avoid Joe.
Caitlin goes over to her friends house and sees pictures of
a bachelorette party in New York city where the waitresses
were drag queens. Lindsey calls them freaks. Caitlin goes
in the bathroom and cries. Graduation Day. Holly tells
Caitlin that she wrote a letter to her father telling him
not to come to the graduation and that she does not want
him in her life anymore. Joe read it and put it back in her
room. Holly and her friends gather to take pictures. Sue
is there, Joe isn’t. GRADUATION. Sue and Caitlin watch
Holly graduate. Holly looks for her father, but doesn’t
see him. But Joe is sitting alone in the back. After the
graduation Holly hugs Sue and Caitlin, then they walk
away. Holly sees Joe and… runs over to him and gives him a
big hug.

3
COMMENTS:

OVERALL – This is an engaging story about a young teenage

girl who discovers that the father is a cross-
dresser/transvestite and how it affects their relationship
and their family. The story is unique and deals with an
issue that is not often represented in films. The tone and
mood of the story are good. The world that the story is
set in is clear. There is good emotional truth in the
story. The structure of the story needs work. The story
is told mostly through dialogue. Screenwriting is a visual
storytelling medium, so there needs to be more showing and
less telling. There is not enough action in the story to
keep the audience fully engaged. The plot points are soft
and the story needs more “substance” a stronger narrative
engine to keep the audience engaged. Some of the scenes are
repetitive and we are reminded of information that we
already have seen or knew. The dialogue is a bit “thick,”
again because the author uses the characters to tell about
their feelings rather that showing us them. There is a
good story here. A family coping with a unique problem and
a daughter coming to grips with a “problem” her father has,
even though she loves him very much. The characters
however, don’t always feel believable and fully motivated.
The ending is very sweet and touching. The story and
premise have a great deal of promise, but the execution
needs to be much stronger.

So with that said, let’s look at the details and try to

make this script live up to its full potential.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CHARACTERS

HOLLY – A good, emotional character – one that will

attract actresses. But the author needs to dig deeper into
this character and into her relationship with her father.
The best protagonists are 1) believable 2) motivated and 3)
sympathetic. Holly is sympathetic because she has learned
a secret about her father and it scares (disgusts) her. We
feel for her, but she would be more sympathetic if we knew
her more. The whole story starts a bit too soon. Holly is
out with her friends then comes home and catches her father
dressed in woman’s clothes and makeup. The problem is we
never get to see what their family was like BEFORE this
incident. Yes, we are told over and over that Joe is a

4
good father and a good man, but we don’t see it. We can’t
fully sympathize with Holly unless we understand her and we
can’t understand her unless we know the family dynamic
BEFORE the incident and AFTER. Also, she comes off a bit
cold. It’s tough to sympathize with a girl like that. Yes,
it is something very difficult to deal with and the
audience sides with her, but she calls her father a freak
and a “psycho” and really reacts very strongly, which is
good because the ending is more powerful. BUT, we should
see that she is more conflicted earlier in the script. Her
father is a good man, but he has this “problem.” Yes, she
is angry that her father does this and has lied, but isn’t
she angry also that her image of her father is no forever
shattered. Show ALL sides to Holly so that she feels like
a three-dimensional person, not just a girl who is angry.
She is believable because she doesn’t know what to make of
the whole thing, but we need to REALLY understand her
anger, so that when she writes the letter at the end, we
feel that it was the right thing to do. Her father does
not seem to be an alcoholic, though there are hints that he
is, so his only transgression is that he is a cross-
dresser. Why does she want to disown him? We need that to
be believable, because the ending will be stronger. Just
go through and make sure, in every instance, she seems as
real as possible.

Her motivations are a bit fuzzy sometimes because we don’t

know what she wants. Every story can be described this
way: somebody wants something DESPERATELY but is having
DIFFICULTY getting it. What does Holly want desperately?
Does she want her father to give up dressing like a woman?
Is that what she wants? Or does she simply want to have him
out of her life? She has to actively PURSUE this goal
throughout the story. This is the narrative engine that
DRIVES the story. What does she want? WHY does she want
it? Those are two important questions. Her GOAL is often
described as the “WANT” of the character – what they are
trying to accomplish in the story. Every protagonist also
has a “NEED” – meaning that there is something lacking in
their character at the beginning, but is “healed” at the
end. Every protagonist usually goes from being a
PERSONALITY to PERSON in a movie. That is the character
arc. How is Holly a better person at the end? It seems
like it is because she is more accepting as a person. That
is great. The problem is that there is no arc. She is angry
for the whole story, then she is warm at the end. We need
to see her SLOWLY change over the course of the story.

5
Again, make her more emotional and complex (as a human
being.)

CAITLIN – Holly’s younger sister. She is another good

character, but we need to know more about her as well,
particularly her relationship with her sister, her mother
and her father. Caitlin and Holly should be different and
should react to the situation differently. They could
almost be the same character in this story. How is Caitlin
different from Holly? How does Caitlin handle the
situation differently then Holly? What was Caitlin’s
relationship like BEFORE the incident? This is important –
that’s why we have to see the family for a few scenes
BEFORE the cross-dressing incident happens. We have to know
how this incident changes the family dynamic. Perhaps
Caitlin isn’t bothered by what her father does? Perhaps
Caitlin knew about it? Also, what is Caitlin’s
relationship like with her sister? They are two teenage
girls - most likely there is some conflict between them.
They seem to get along well. This is a (TITLE) so ALL the
relationships should be complex. Highlight their
differences. Also, what is Caitlin’s relationship to her
mother like? How is it different from Holly’s relationship
with her mother?

SUE – This character needs more development. The teenage

girls are easier to get invested in. But both parents are a
bit thinly drawn – they don’t feel as real as the teenage
girls. Sue doesn’t seem consistent, she seems angry when
they are at the therapist’s office, but then she seems
accepting and a bit “clueless” when she is at home. How
long has Sue REALLY known this was going on? She MUST have
suspected something. She MUST have confronted Joe about
this before. If so, when? And what exactly has she been
doing to help Joe overcome this OR has she just accepted
that this is the way that he is and he’s a good man. She
seems a bit weak in this story. She NEVER did anything
about her husband and it’s her daughter that seems to make
the decisions (about going to therapy etc) and she seems to
accept the fact that Holly doesn’t want her father to be at
the graduation, which is fine, but it would be nice to see
a real human scene between Sue and Holly about this issue.
Dig deeper into Sue’s inner life. Who is this woman? What
are her hopes and dreams? Really, WHY has she stayed with
Joe? Is he a great husband as well as father? Give her
more of a personality.

6
JOE – Is probably most thinly drawn character of them all.
He is a bit of a mystery. He seems callous when Holly
first confronts him about catching him cross-dressing. If
he tries so hard to keep it a secret, why is he so
nonchalant when she finds out AND if he thought it was no
big deal, WHY does he keep it a secret for so long? Also,
it is not clear if he is an alcoholic or not? If he’s NOT
an alcoholic it makes the situation more interesting. We’ve
seen so many stories of family’s dealing with an alcoholic,
but what makes THIS story interesting is that we have
rarely seen a film dealing with a cross-dressing father.
That is good. There is no need to make him an alcoholic.
There are some basic things we need to know about Joe.
Where does he work? Where is he from? WAS he sexually
abused as a child? This is very important. The therapist
doesn’t want Joe “to answer the question” but the audience
DEFINITELY wants to know and we want to know how that
impacts the way he is behaving. We want to have sympathy
for Joe as well. Right now, he feels cold as well. We are
constantly told what a good man is, but we NEVER see it.
Again, that’s why we have to see him interact with his
family before the incident. Also, we never see his
REACTIONS to anything. We don’t SEE how he reacts to the
letter. We don’t SEE how he is when his daughter confronts
him with what she saw. It would be better if they were in
a room together and that we saw how they were with each
other. Let’s see him at work. Let’s see him interact with
his wife. We don’t know anything about him. Make him a
full, three-dimensional man. Right now, he feels like a
caricature.

TYLER – What role does he play in all this? Perhaps Holly

should talk to someone outside the family and tell them
what is going on. He would be a good choice. They’re
relationship seems perfect. Is it? What are his struggles
in life? The girls all seem to be dealing with something,
but Tyler doesn’t seem to be.

HOLLY’S FRIENDS – Jessica and Kristy are good. They both

have unique problems, but we want to see MORE of how they
interact with Holly. Okay, they think that Holly has the
perfect life and that they have real problems, but perhaps
it would be interesting to see even more conflict between
these girls and Holly. We need to see how this affects
Holly and her life. Perhaps the whole thing with her dad,
causes her to get into problems with her friends. That

7
would make these scenes more interesting. Show that Holly
really IS a drama queen.

CAITLIN’S FRIENDS - Not much here. They just react to

Caitlin. Probably should just use one girl, so we can get
to know her a bit more. Also, TOM is odd. It’s odd that a
father would let a young boy into his house and changes a
lock on his daughter’s room. And who is Tom? We never see
him again.

STRUCTURE

The structure needs work. Probably best for the author to

pick up a screenwriting book like Syd Field’s “The
Fundamentals of Screenwriting” to help get the structure
down. First of all, again, the protagonist needs to have a
goal that she DESPERATELY wants and there needs to be
STRONG OBSTACLES that keep her from achieving. Make sure
this is all clear. The first act sets up the protagonist
and the other characters. It also gets the audience
invested in the protagonist’s goal and the journey we are
about to go on. We need to be brought close to the
characters and REALLY get to know them. Again, here the
first act needs more of a setup of the family – we need to
see how they are BEFORE the incident. The end of the first
act has to be strong. It should occur between pp25-30.
The protagonist (Holly) has to make a decision, a choice.
Then, in the second act we will see her pursue that choice.
Here, it seems like Holly decides that she doesn’t want
anything to do with her father anymore and in the second
act we will see if she can do that. That’s what she wants,
but there are pressures (she IS conflicted) that makes her
wonder whether the goal she is pursuing is right or not.
The SECOND ACT is the meat of the story. The second act
has to have a strong, dramatic drive. What is Holly
ACTIVELY pursuing? What are the obstacles that are keeping
her from getting what she wants? What are the conflicts
between Holly and Sue, between Holly and Caitlin, between
Holly and Joe? These all have to be clear. The tension has
to escalate in the second act. It should seem by the end of
the second act that this family is falling apart. The
author needs to ratchet up the tension, keep making it
harder and harder for Holly – NOT easier and easier. The
end of the second act is often referred to as THE BIG
GLOOM. Since, this is a happy ending, the end of the second
act (between pp. 75-85) is when Holly looks like she will
never get what she wants, or it is when the family feels

8
like it has totally fallen apart. What is the worse
situation for Holly? That is the lowpoint, the end of the
second act. The THIRD ACT has Holly pursuing a new goal.
Maybe in ACT TWO Holly was trying to make it work with her
father and at the end of the second act she gives up. In
the THIRD ACT, perhaps she strives to distance herself from
her father. Holly’s goal in the third act should be
different from her goal in the second act. No matter what
it is, it has to be CLEAR what Holly is pursuing in the
third act. The screenplay should end on pp 100-110.
Somewhere in there…

FORMAT – Two small notes. Never use CUT TO: in a

professional script. You don’t need it. Don’t use
“begins” or “starts”… Just use active verbs, present tense
only. You have “begins” often in the script. Cut them or
reword the sentence. The author might want to buy scripts
from a place like www.scriptcity.com to see how a script
really looks.
VISUAL STORYTELLING – This is a big note with this script.
The author has the characters TELL us most of what we know.
Film is a visual medium. We need to SEE, through the
characters ACTIONS. That’s how we learn about the
characters, not through exposition

SCENES – There are a lot of scenes in this script with

characters chitchatting with each other or bantering with
each other. No. EVERY scene in a script needs conflict.
EVERY SCENE! Conflict is defined as characters with
opposing intentions. If a scene does NOT have conflict, it
has to be cut or reworked. AMD the author needs to make
sure EVERY scene accomplishes two things: 1) moves the
story forward 2) expand our understanding of the
characters. If the scene doesn’t accomplish both, it has
to be cut or reworked.

TITLE -- (TITLE) is too generic. MANY, MANY films could

have that title. Although maybe that’s the point. Still,
in this readers opinion, it could backfire. This story
reminded this reader of “The Ice Storm” or “Ordinary
People” or “In the Bedroom.” The author is creative and
talented, she should have no problem coming up with a
stronger title. Titles are VERY important in Hollywood,
some scripts sell on the title alone. Spend time making
the title a good one.

9
GENERAL – There are many nice moments in this story and
the author has an engaging style. The story needs more
“meat” on its bones – more tension, a stronger dramatic
engine and more emotions. The story is unique and fresh. It
does have good potential. Good luck!

10
 

Excellent Very Good Good So-So Not Good

Artistically
X

Commercial X

Premise
X

Story
X

Main
Characters X

Minor
Characters
X

Dialogue X

Visual X
Elements

Title
X

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: PASS

11
 COVERAGE, INK. ANALYSIS

TITLE: [title]
LOCALE: college campus, farm
WRITER(S):
PERIOD: the present
FORM: screenplay
GENRE: teen horror
BUDGET: moderate
PAGES: 100
DRAFT DATE: n/a
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE:

A college girl faces off with a serial killer while

confronting the childhood trauma she always knew would come
back to haunt her.

SYNOPSIS:

Junie Macketchum, 14, is at home alone when she hears a

crash. She hides and listens as strangers trash her house and
even when her parents come home, her fear won’t allow her to
show her face. The scene ends when someone flings open the
closet door where Junie is hiding.

Fast-forward seven years, Junie is now 20 and at college. In

her apartment she hears a noise that frightens her but it
turns out it’s only her two roommates, Sandra and Alicia,
home early from Easter break. Alicia is Junie’s sweet best
friend while Sandra is the spoiled, superficial roommate they
put up with. As they make plans for Junie’s upcoming
birthday, the girls read a ten-year-old article about their
Professor Broussard and how he was caught having an affair
with a student. They gossip about his proclivities until the
next day when another friend, Charlene, announces she’s
leaving school to be a professional cheerleader and Broussard

1
will be naming Alicia his new T.A. The student caught with
him also was a T.A.

Reggie, a nerdy classmate, enters by scaring Junie half to

death. Her trauma still very real to her, Junie still can’t
handle any sort of surprise.

Charlene packs up her whole life while a secret stalker

watches. A knock at the door stops her in her tracks as does
the stalker who enters the apartment.

In class the next day, all the students are back in school in
Broussard’s class. Broussard also has a farm he tends to when
he’s not in school and offers Junie a chance at earning money
by farm-sitting alone. Nervous, she declines and goes to meet
Alicia after class. They enter a sorority house where a
surprise party awaits Junie. Too scared to even enjoy it,
Junie throws up in front of everyone, halting the party.
Later, Alicia tries to comfort Junie but nothing helps. The
sirens that keep ringing outside stop their activities,
Charlene’s body has been found.

Alicia leaves school because her parents are nervous when

they hear the news report. Junie decides she shouldn’t be on
campus either and takes on Broussard’s offer after having a
chat with her mom.

At the Broussard’s farm, Junie comes face to face with Helen,

Broussard’s disabled and sick wife. She and Broussard used to
be the dream couple but after her accident and condition,
their relationship are strained. She’s got a patient with
her, Stavros, who looks agitated and leaves quickly. The
Broussard’s hand over the keys and leave Junie in charge of
the house, greenhouse, cat, and dog. They leave for separate
destinations.

Alone, Junie keeps having a lot of little jumps and scares

that all turn out to be nothing. Getting increasingly
nervous, she makes her rounds and doesn’t notice the same
stalker watching her.

Back on campus, Sandra leaves a bar too drunk to drive. She

spurns Reggie’s offer to drive her home but accepts the class
meathead’s. Before he can pick her up, a hooded figure kills
the meathead and then kidnaps Sandra. Reggie meanwhile goes
out to the farm and succeeds in scaring Junie once again. He
offers to keep her company but she declines. Dejected Reggie

2
leaves. Meanwhile the same figure that killed Charlene is
slowly mutilating Sandra.

The next day Junie tries to write her paper then focuses on
the tasks around the farm to keep her mind busy. She hears a
news report that there’s been another murder and decides to
leave. She phones Helen who talks her into staying until that
night. Reggie stops by again because he’s worried about her
and brings her a birthday present as well. Moved, Junie tells
him about the event seven years ago that left her traumatized
and her father wheelchair bound. Reggie understand why she’s
always so jumpy.

After he leaves, Junie is alone and a nervous still. A

delivery makes her jump before she realizes it’s a cake from
Alicia. As she cuts into it, she hits something
solid…Alicia’s decapitated head. She also finds a DVD the
killer left for her, showing Charlene and Sandra’s deaths.

Hyperventilating, Junie runs out of the house and comes face

to face with Stavros. He’s also scared and tries to help her
but she has twisted her ankle and has trouble walking. As
they make their way through the woods, they come upon
Alicia’s headless body hanging from a tree. They run but are
separated and the last thing Junie hears is Stavros’ scream.
She keeps running and mercifully sees Broussard driving back
home on the road.

Back at the house Broussard tries to calm Junie and treat her
wounds but nervous, Junie doesn’t trust him and he doesn’t
believe a killer is after her. Junie gets increasingly
nervous and finally runs for it but Broussard follows her as
she tries to escape and they end up in the stable where Junie
stabs him. Junie texts Reggie but he doesn’t get the message.
She steals Broussard’s keys and starts to drive away when
Stavros appears in front of her.

Junie comforts Stavros and leads him to the car where he

tries to choke her. Junie manages to get away and back into
the house with Stavros chasing her. He trails her all over
the farm but Junie manages to land a few blows. It turns out;
Stavros also killed the other girls. When Junie finally
eludes him, she sees Helen coming up the driveway. Junie
tries to convince Helen they have to get away when Stavros
shows up again. Together with Helen, Stavros grabs Junie. She
passes out.

3
When Junie comes to, she realizes she’s tied to a chair.
Helen tells her all about her husband’s infidelities and her
past beauty and happiness. She’s just about to kill Junie
when Reggie shows up. In the scuffle, Junie frees herself and
she and Reggie run for it with Helen and Stavros in hot
pursuit. They manage to kill Stavros but Reggie is gravely
injured. Helen appears while they’re in the stable with
Broussard’s dead body. He comes to long enough to say he only
cheated on Helen once, and never again.

The final showdown is between Helen and Junie as Helen chases

her through the fields. Junie manages to stay out of her way,
even though she’s injured until Helen jumps off the tractor
she’s been chasing Junie with and tries to fight her. Junie
manages to shove Helen back where she lands on the tractor’s
blades and dies. Sirens start screaming soon after.

Junie and Reggie make a date a few days later. Junie now
lives alone in her new apartment, not scared anymore.

4
COMMENTS

OVERALL

This was a very easy and interesting read. It caught my

attention from the get-go and even horrified me with the
details at the beginning. The scene with the squealing pig
and the main character sitting unable to help, but hearing
her parents, without knowing what was happening was
especially strong. You could picture yourself in the
protagonist’s shoes.

Speaking of the protagonist, Junie is a pretty good one.

Because of the intro, we already feel sympathy towards her,
so when she reacts violently to surprises, we can’t help but
feel sorry for her and be on her side. We want her to be
successful, to overcome whatever she needs to because she is
a likeable character with real flaws that we can empathize
with. It’s fear that’s holding her back and that’s such a
common thing that her victory could almost be ours. However,
for that to happen she needs to show us that she wants to
overcome it. There are just too many scenes where she’s
shrieking and hyperventilating. We need to see her steeling
herself and trying to at least handle it in one scene. She
can fail. In fact, she should fail. But she needs to be
mentally stronger because an audience may not cheer for a
weakling for too long. To go along with this, it would be an
effective turning point to see her deciding to chase the dark
rather than let it frighten her in the final scenes of the
farmhouse. A moment where we can see she’s made up her mind,
an empowering moment, so that her actions aren’t just the
floundering reactions to what’s going on but that there’s a
level of calculation there. Exactly like when she unleashes
the manure on Broussard.

As for the rest of the characters, I think they all have the
groundwork to be really interesting but right now they’re
just a bit too stereotypical and feel a bit like filler. You
have the chance to really skewer the girl-in-danger-slasher-
film trope while still abiding by the rules and I think you
should take advantage of that. The jock is a typical
meathead? Well then what is his relationship to the murders
and Stavros/Helen? His death can be used as a method to throw
off the audience; in fact, it works really well to do that
because all the deaths so far have been girls and videotaped

5
ones. There’s really an element of violation and creepiness
with the videotaping. Use that further. Have evidence of the
jock and others being videotaped. Maybe even Junie and
Reggie. If you can connect the videos to Stavros and Helen’s
motives in some way that could even make their actions seem
stronger and make more sense. Broussard was watching home
videos when Junie arrived for her job. It could be even a jab
at him. You have all the elements to round out the action and
make it come full circle with all its twists and turns but it
just needs to be connected.

Reggie is a great character. He’s the loveable nerd everyone

can’t help but treat affectionately. Except Junie. Have him
really prove himself to her. Jumping out and scaring her
seems a bit too repetitive. Maybe he can be constantly trying
out different ways of impressing her that backfire? There’s a
limited amount you can do with the un-wanted boy protagonist
and possible love interest but use his nerdiness to get you
there. Have him rescue Junie from a situation by hurling an
action figure box at the killer. Then he can complain how
it’s no longer mint and worthless because the box has been
crushed. That’s just a suggestion but really use each
character’s defining personality traits to develop them and
push them forward. Charlene with her cheerleading stuff, the
jock with his sports stuff, Sandra and her superficiality,
even Alicia with her niceness. They can all be stretched to
the limit.

In terms of tone, there are some instances of quips that are

so inappropriate that they’re funny. On page 20 when the
spinster makes her comment as the lock guy screams in horror
when they discover Charlene’s body is great. There should be
more of those little bits so this story can elevate itself
from the typical slasher to a dark comedy slasher movie.
Alicia’s head in a cake box is the perfect example. It’s just
so bizarre that it needs like a moment with the cat licking
the frosting or something.

The dialogue is very natural in the story. It suits the

characters and their ages as well. The Neil Gaiman joke
Reggie makes in class is so good. Maybe not everyone will get
it but the ones who do will appreciate it. However, the
dialogue does seem to come in scenes that slow the action
down. They’re just too obviously a method for exposition like
when Reggie asks Sandra about her make-up or the girls
discuss Broussard. These things can all come naturally
through showing the scene. Broussard comes to class wearing

6
overalls? Maybe change that to ripped jeans and a flannel
shirt. No matter how hot the man is, I have a hard time
believing overalls can be sexy but this way you can show that
he’s trying to be, “one of the students,” and managing to
pull it off even at his age. In direct contrast with his wife
in stiff formal clothes and a noticeably older appearance,
it’ll be so obvious. The way Broussard talks could also be
edited to reflect this. Yes, he can assign the paper but
having him sit cross-legged on his desk, rolling his eyes,
cracking jokes. All these small things that can be added to
show his personality. The T.A. aspect can come when he
introduces Alicia as the new one with a knowing glance. How
about making Charlene the one he had an affair with? Her
packing to go away could be a front for leaving the school in
disgrace while the teacher gets away with it. There are so
many little details you can coax out to tie these characters
together, push the story forward, and not allow it to remain
stagnant in the non-chase scenes. By page 25, I was still a
little unsure where the story was going so cutting out the
extraneous set-up scenes and dialogue could really help that
since page 25 is a good chunk of the way into the story.

There are some details that ought to be addressed as well.

I’ll go through them as I noted them while reading.

On page five you use the word trepidatious and it’s repeated
a few more times throughout (34 and 65). Not only is it not a
word but also the constant use takes away from its effect.
It’s okay to say with trepidation once but remember that
Junie’s actions really do describe her state of mind so
describing it again is redundant. It slows the flow of the
story and interrupts the natural progression. Let the action
describe the emotions of the setting and character. It’ll
make a stronger impression.

When referring to the killer as Hoody, note that hoodie is

spelled with an i-e. It’s a very small thing but readers will
take notice, so it’s better to be safe than sorry. It’s a
quick fix though, so nothing to worry about.

In the same way trepidatious tripped me up, some of the

descriptions of characters also took me a second to re-read
and understand what you meant. You have a great way of
describing the physical appearance of characters. Alicia as
Martha Stewart was absolutely perfect because everyone can
immediately imagine her in her Stepford perfection. But
Sandra is described as, “Looking like she’s dressed for a

7
part in a hooker movie,” on page 8. I think you mean the part
of a hooker in a movie. Small stuff like that can also be
cleaned up to make it tighter. The less is said, the better.
It just makes clutter on the screen and on paper.

Page 22 the reference of a herd of students with people

mooing at them is a little confusing. The herd already
denigrates an animal quality to the students. It would make
more sense for them to be mooing and the others making some
other sort of cacophony to differentiate them. It’s not a
huge deal but small stuff like this is also a distraction.

We know Broussard is leaving for the weekend, no need to

repeat it on page 25.

The murders of Junie’s friends are a little confusing. It

seems they’re all happening at the same time and it’s also a
little hard to work out when Alicia would have had the time
to die. Though there are actually two killers involved,
unless Helen does some killing too, it needs to be clearer
that one person is doing all the legwork because as it reads
right now, it seems like there are several.

On pages 40 and 41, the interaction between Junie and Reggie

seems a little off. He was at the surprise party for her so
he would know that it was her birthday. Dropping by twice is
also odd especially since he scares her again with the first
time. He already scared her at school. Offering a brownie
after scaring her yet again seems a little weak and
unbelievable. He needs better motives to interact with her
rather than acting like a child and trying to win her over
with a treat. In this same vein, Junie is far too jumpy and
the animals are over-used as the excuse for noises and
events. She calls 911 at one point. Even if she hangs up,
they still would drive and come check it out. They can be the
ones making noise at another point rather than blaming the
cat and dog again. The hide-and-seek of scares is just too
much especially since we know she’s being watched. Helen
trying to guilt her for being scared is also a little
unbelievable. This whole segment is a bit long. Cutting the
scares and building Reggie’s motives to be at the far, can
really help make him stronger and keep the story going.

With Broussard’s reappearance, we already know something is

up. It drags too long and even though it’s ultimately not him
Junie needs to fear, the interaction is too long. It needs to
be cut to increase tension and not lose our interest because

8
the audience will already be suspicious. Use that and then
quickly move to the Junie freak-out and Broussard’s fate.

When it comes to the final chase and fight for survival, it’s
very high action and intense. Reading made me hold my breath
so watching it would probably be even better. But again,
there are some suggestions to punch it up. Junie seems to get
away by rolling over too many times. It’s a little
repetitive. Googling the police also seems a little counter-
productive. Wouldn’t she just call 911 again? If she did,
they can even provide for more tension by not believing her.
The kiss on 89 comes at a bad moment. There is no reason for
it and though Reggie says she’s handling it all very well,
she isn’t. Either Junie needs to assert herself and stop
being afraid and make a plan that works, or the kiss needs to
come later. The showdown between Helen and Junie also seems
too long especially with Broussard’s final moment. If you
want his death to have a bigger impact, make it clearer that
all the rumors and insinuations about his affairs were false.
Not just one ten years ago, none. Charlene could’ve even been
lying about it if you decide to make her the student the
rumors were about. Or the student ten years ago. It would
make Helen’s mental trauma that much more poignant if she had
assumed everything and embarked on this murder spree for
nothing. One more suggestion, if he lives it could also
provide for an interesting and darkly comical ending; with
Junie asking if she’s receiving extra credit or not or
something like that. It would just make more sense that he
hasn’t died yet because him coming back and dying again is
just too handy for the story.

The ending is a good touch. We see that Junie has learned to

face her fear and that Reggie has redeemed himself in her and
our eyes. However, rather than having her tell us about it,
why not show it? Junie and Reggie alone in an apartment and
maybe him leaving and asking her if she’ll be all right
alone? Junie’s calm reply of yes would be so much stronger
than a simple exclamation that she now lives alone.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

STORY

The story develops naturally without force. It fits the trope

of the teen slasher flick where the protagonist, a girl,
faces her fears and ultimately saves herself. That being
said, there really is nothing new put forward to the

9
overarching genre. Interesting twists but no real surprises,
not even the double antagonist plotline. A few more twists
and challenges to the familiar story-line would make it stand
out against other films of its ilk and make it stronger.

STRUCTURE The structure is well organized. The beginning is

short and attention grabbing while setting the story in
motion. The middle works as a means of introduction for the
other characters and the main storyline. The climax comes as
the action peaks and there is a denouement to tie it all up
and present an ending.

CHARACTERS

The main characters are decent in their introduction but

there is no real development, especially in the protagonist.
There is no natural progression of her character and only at
the end do we get a glimpse of the change the events had on
her. Junie has too many instances of hyperventilating and
almost passing out. It’s already been established that the
events of her childhood traumatized her to this point; she
doesn’t like surprises. But there needs to be a stronger
moment in which she decides she no longer wants to live like
that. The actions scenes in the farmhouse are a good example
of how she’s facing her fears but there is no moment before
that shows her change, no instances where she’s at least
trying. Her hysterics are very real but too many and the
audience will get annoyed with her rather than be on her
side. The female friends are too similar, they are almost
indistinguishable except for character descriptions that
introduce them then they get lost in the shuffle. Sandra
stands out, though. The way she talks and treats the others
sets her apart from them. But Charlene and Alicia are too
similar and Charlene seems to be only there to start the
killing. The token jock is too stereotypical. He doesn’t even
have a name because he is indistinguishable from all the
other meathead side characters in the genre. It might be
interesting to give him a bit of depth. Also, his death is
the only one that does not suit the killer’s motives. There
needs to be a connection. Even if his death is supposed to
throw off the audience, there needs to be a valid ulterior
motive so that it can be connected. Reggie’s character makes
for a good love interest. He is clearly the nice-guy nerd but
again, that seems a bit too stereotypical. He needs a bit
more depth too. His clowning works well as an opposite to
Junie’s timidity. Exploit that and both characters will
naturally develop further. Stavros and Helen also need to be

10
slightly more developed. We only get them at the house before
Junie starts her stay but a longer interaction to show
Stavros and Helen’s relationship and even Stavros and
Broussard’s relationship could be a good hint and set-up for
what’s to come later and their motives.

THEME

The theme seems to be the ability for one to get past their
fears and face them, and life, head-on. However, Junie
remains jumpy and anxious all throughout the movie. The theme
doesn’t come into play until almost the very end. A slow
depiction of Junie’s development and how she suits the theme
would make it stronger.

PLOT LOGIC

It makes sense almost throughout except for a few exceptions.

The death of the lesser characters sort of fit the killer’s
motives but they’re not solid enough. The jock, the
cheerleader, and Alicia all need better connections to their
murders via their relationship with the Broussards.

TONE

A little up and down. It seems to have some moments of dark

humor set against the violence but they come abruptly and
seem out of place such as the landlady making a joke at the
discovery of her tenant’s dead body. If there were more
instances of jokes or quips, the whole story could have a
firmer tone of black humor set against horror.

CRAFT

Good handle on writing and the rules therein. Needs to be

proofread a little more carefully though to avoid those
simple little mistakes. Variation in descriptive words and
reactions would also benefit the script.

MARKETABILITY

It’s a Halloween/autumn film. Though it does not take place

on Halloween, it’s the perfect sort of film to release around
then for fun and scary thrills.

TITLE

11
Title is suitable and interesting as it’s not immediately
clear why it’s called that. Still, it fits the story and
references both the origins of the events as well as the
final showdown’s location.

MISCELLANEOUS

Too many descriptive words. “Junie walked forward

trepidatiously,” is an example. It is used several times and
not only is the word non-existent, it’s a little redundant.
Junie’s character is familiar and the tone of each scene is
already set through the writer’s build-up. It would already
be obvious that Junie is walking forward in trepidation.
Cutting out these extraneous bits (not all of them, after
all, some need to clarify the action. Just the ones that are
repeating the action) would make the story tighter and
stronger.

CONCLUSION

This is a good draft, but it is a draft nonetheless. The

action in the middle needs to be upped or the audience will
lose interest. There are just too many exchanges between
characters and their speaking seems mostly for exposition
rather than character development or to push the action
forward. It’s the weakest part of the story especially
compared to the beginning and ending where the action is so
fast-paced and snappy. That level of intensity can be applied
to times when there isn’t that much action by increasing the
tension and stakes. What will happen to Junie when she
realizes a friend has been killed? Will Junie begin to
believe the suspect is circling closer to her when every
death is someone she knows? Why is the moment of realization
so important to Junie and the story? Can it be related to the
beginning in some way? In this same vein, the other
characters need to be more developed so we can see the affect
of their respective demises on Junie and each other. The
story has the potential to be a slasher film that separates
itself from the others and developing the characters could
really benefit that. The audience can brush off most deaths
in these sorts of stories quite easily. The ones in Harm
House are memorable because of the method and the stalking.
The groundwork is there so a little more introspection for
them would really up the stakes and the audiences’ stake in
the finale.

12
The ending itself is a happy ending with everything working
out and though that may sound cliché, in the world of the
story and the genre, it works very well. The main character
learns something about herself and grows as a result. It just
needs to be a little more obvious.

Good luck!

13
ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß

YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? x

Is the material ORIGINAL? x

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) x

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? x

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

x
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

x
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? x

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

x
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

x
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

x
other?

Do the first ten pages set the TONE for the rest of the
x
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? x

Does each scene more the story forward? x

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? x

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? x

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? x

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

x
and ability?

14
Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of
x
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? x

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? x

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

x
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: PASS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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15
 COVERAGE, INK. JC ANALYSIS

TITLE: (title)
LOCALE: NYC, Bordeaux, Normandy, France
WRITER:
PERIOD: 1895, 1918
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Period WW1 Drama/ Epic/ Saga
BUDGET: High
PAGES: 94
DRAFT DATE: N/A
COVERAGE DATE: 11/15/13
PREPARED BY: JC

LOGLINE:

The story follows the tumultuous life of two inseparable

identical twins during WWI to their ultimate suicide due to
shell shock and hopelessness afterwards.

SYNOPSIS:

In 1895, at the country mansion of J.J. Chesterson, when TWO

IDENTICAL TWINS, 4 years old, jump in a water fountain, the
MINDER and GARDENER pull them out and the STAFF gives them
cocoa. It’s obvious they’re little troublemakers.

At a Private Girls School in 1918, the twins’ father MR. J.

J. CHESTERSON tries to convince the HEADMISTRESS not to let
the twins volunteer for hospital nurse duty on the
battlefield, but she trusts their decision to do so. On their
way to Europe on a ship, the identical twins MIRIAM and
AMELIA, now 26, tell friend ELIZABETH they have a brother who
died and a brother who’s in a hospital. Neither one of the
twins like them because they dunked them underwater when they
were younger children.

They arrive in Normandy, France, and on the battlefield

later, while Amelia is being raped by a soldier, Lt. HAROLD
 2

SPITZ comes to her rescue. Miriam senses Amelia is in danger

and rushes out to tend to her wounds. Possessive of Amelia
and sensing she’s attracted to Harold, Miriam makes Amelia
promise not to betray her.

Harold speaks fluent German and has a confrontation with a

German Officer while he, Miriam and Amelia are interrogating
the German wounded soldiers. While wading in a stream with
the twins later, Harold notices that they have scars that
were carved onto their ankles with broken bottles as a pact
to defend each other.

Miriam begins to hate Harold, jealous of his romance with

Amelia. Confronted about this, Amelia denies it and their
trust begins breaking down. Later, Harold and the twins have
a picnic near the German line on the farm of PIERRE DE GAULLE
with his daughter LOUISE, and her mother ANN-MARIE and
GRANDMOTHER. Notified by the MANAGER that the Huns are
coming, Harold and the twins hide in Pierre’s house. The
German Soldiers tear it apart, unable to find them. After
they leave, Harold and the twins leave in a horse-drawn
carriage. When Miriam observes Harold and Amelia kissing, she
snaps a bottleneck off, cutting her hand.

SGT. BURT ARMSTRONG meets with Miriam behind the supply tent
when she gets off her nurse duties and Amelia surreptitiously
observes Burt teaching Miriam how to shoot at a target, a
close alliance being formed. She confronts Miriam about it
later, but she says Burt is just a friend. They argue again
about Harold, and MRS. MOORE and two soldiers have to break
it up.

Later that night, Miriam follows Amelia to Harold’s tent and

overhears Harold advising her sister to tell her about their
relationship and that he wants a future with her. But Amelia
feels Miriam will complain to the commanding officer if she
knows, so it’s best to keep it a secret between them.

While having a picnic, Miriam and Harold race each other up

the bank of a river. She knocks him over, straddles him, and
when she tells him he spends more time with her than Amelia,
he says he spends equal time with them both. Back at their
tent, Miriam tries yet again to convince Amelia to stop
seeing Harold.

Harold rejoins his unit, making a CORPORAL suspicious because

he approached from the German line. Word gets back to Burt,

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who tells Miriam he suspects Harold is working with the

Germans. Miriam then tells Amelia she saw her and Harold
meeting secretly and that he’s a traitor and double agent,
working for the Germans.

Amelia helps a DOCTOR perform surgery on the wounded soldiers

and when Miriam is given permission by Mrs. Moore to choose
which of the wounded are going be operated on, she takes
pleasure in letting some of them die who wouldn’t otherwise.

Late at night, Miriam puts on Louise’s clothes to disguise

herself as a French woman and goes on a secret mission to
find Harold. A German soldier stops her, and when Miriam gets
back to their tent, she and Amelia argue about Harold again.

Miriam gets a LAKOTA INDIAN ARMY SCOUT to teach her how to

scout without being seen. After making a failed attempt at a
trial run, she finally sneaks up to the German’s “no-man’s-
land” and watches Harold surreptitiously, making note of his
route around the German patrols.

After assisting an OPERATING DOCTOR perform surgery on a

soldier with a serious abdomen wound, Amelia follows Miriam
to a field and gives her grief for letting Burt teach her how
to shoot. Later, Amelia sends the Headmistress another
letter, letting her know that she and Miriam fight all the
time and she losing all trust in her.

Burt shows Miriam how to load his Luger and invites her to
secretly go to the front with him. On the outskirts of a
village, Miriam watches him shoot a German Officer in the
neck. Burt’s taken by her fearlessness, but when she flirts
with him, he tells her they just need to stay buddies because
he’s in a romantic relationship with SHEILA. Later, Burt
pacifies Sheila when she confronts him about Miriam.

Amelia secretly meets with Harold again and, wearing Louise’s

clothes, she explores a large medieval cathedral with him.
Later that night, Miriam steals Burt’s Lugar, disguises
herself as Amelia in army clothes, and stalks Harold. A
soldier stops her, but she shoots him and two more soldiers,
and finally shoots Harold in the forehead, taking the
engagement ring he was planning to give to Amelia before she
slithers back and returns the Lugar, unnoticed by a sleeping
Burt.

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The DOCTOR who examined Harold’s body tells a COLONEL he’s

suspicious of Harold’s death, given he was shot at point
blank range and because he appears to have known the person
who shot him. Meanwhile, Burt gives Sheila his Lugar and
tells her he knows someone used it and tried to clean it
afterwards.

At the field hospital, CAPT. JONES tells a DOCTOR that Harold

may have been killed by a spy and to look for a Lugar there.
Learning that Harold spent most of his time with the twins,
he questions them about their whereabouts, but doesn’t let
them know that Harold was killed. When he questions Sheila,
she lets him know that Burt’s Lugar was stolen and that Burt
taught Miriam how to load and shoot it.

Amelia finally learns from Mrs. Moore that Harold was killed
and is devastated. In a makeshift hospital, Amelia’s hip is
wounded by debris when a bomb explodes. And Miriam
experiences a pounding in her head, both of them being shell-
shocked.

While celebrating the end of WW1 in a café, Sheila tells

Miriam she knows that she killed Harold, but Miriam denies it
and continues to keep the secret from Amelia. The twins bond
and become much closer on the train ride back to Bordeaux.
However, Cpt. Jones tells the GENERAL they have evidence that
Miriam killed Harold and that she’s going to be arrested for
his murder when she arrives in New York.

But while on the way to N.Y. on a ship, Miriam finally tells

Amelia she killed Harold and shows her the engagement ring
she took from him. Knowing that she’ll be arrested, and with
Amelia feeling so hopeless, the twins feel they have nothing
to live for and both jump overboard and drown in the sea,
leaving their father devastated.

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COMMENTS

OVERALL

The writer is first to be commended for his/her passion and

efforts in writing this screenplay adaptation. It’s an
exciting and heartfelt story, and one that’s fairly original
in that it combines a period war drama, similar to movies
such as JOYEUX NOEL and the ‘50s classic A FAREWELL TO ARMS,
with an epic that follows the life and ultimate downfall of
two inseparable identical twins, which reminded me a bit of
Jeremy Irons’ twins Beverly and Elliot (i.e., one good and
one bad) in the film DEAD RINGERS.

I especially like the title of the screenplay, (TITLE), given

it suggests the story’s tone and its main conflict, as well
as its two main protagonists. It’s also a very memorable
title, which is extremely important in this town because
sometimes a script sells for its title alone. The way in
which the twins gradually change is also pretty well-handled,
and there were a few moments that geniunely surprised the
reader, as well as some nice moments, such as the Cathedral
bit on p. 61 and the burgeoning but chaste attraction between
Amelia and Harold.

While the story’s premise and basic conflict are quite good,
there are issues with the presentation, which needs a bit of
an overhaul. There are issues with formatting which we will
get into, as well as the way one tells a story in screenplay
format most effectively. There are a number of additional
issues that need to be looked at more closely, involving the
dialogue, structure, pacing, and plotting concerns, which may
stop a studio or production company from ever considering it.

However, the good news is that the script does have a shot at
getting a CONSIDER if the writer is willing to address all of
the above issues on a rewrite. The following notes and
suggestions will hopefully get it up to that rating. So, with
that goal in mind, let’s get to it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

STRUCTURE/ PLOT ISSUES/ PACING:

In terms of story, while the yarn does have a nice evolution

of the characters, it sometimes feels episodic. That’s

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because there isn’t a clear throughline, or a strong

character goal that any one character is trying to
accomplish. Rather, it’s more of a character study set
against a very interesting backdrop. There’s nothing wrong
with that, of course, but it can also make the script feel a
bit disjointed and lacking the focus it needs to really grab
a buyer by the throat.

So with that said, let’s go back to basics for a moment.

Screenplays should have three acts with plot points in the
correct places, shifting the story in unexpected but
satisfying directions at each turn, with a great opening
hook, inciting incident, and a satisfying climax.

The inciting incident here seems to be around p. 12, when

Miriam senses that Amelia is attracted to Harold. And the
first plot point seems to be around p. 16, when Miriam begins
doing everything she can to keep Amelia and Harold apart.

However, the only real conflict that seems to drive the story
forward from that point on is Miriam’s continuous jealousy
and hatred for Harold, which is caused by his burgeoning love
for Amelia. And that comes across more like shifting
emotional attachments and reactions. At least, until p. 65,
when Miriam finally kills Harold, which is a startling turn
of events (and also removes our lead actor from the picture -
- but hey, they got away with it in GRAVITY, so...) But even
after that happens, the story meanders off somewhat in
different directions, until the final climax when Miriam and
Amelia jump off the ship and drown. And unfortunately, that
tragic event happens too abruptly, almost out of the blue,
and thus feels a bit anticlimactic.

So I would suggest you consider giving your story a better

progression of interconnected scenes within a more cohesive
narrative, and ones that demonstrates a clear rising action as
the dramatic stakes escalate. It will be well worth the effort.
To that end, I am cutting and pasting the structural template
from our Style Guide (which I’ll also send along to you at no
charge, since that will help with the formatting issues we’ll
go into as well.)

1) THE HOOK. Pages 1-3. A cool or visually interesting scene that grabs us and makes us
want to know more. Could be a precredits action or horror or comedy sequence, or showing
the protagonist doing what he does best. Above all, set the TONE for rest of the movie here,
and once you establish the rules of the world, stick to them!

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2) GETTING TO KNOW YOU. Pages 3-9. Showing the protagonist in his or her
KNOWN WORLD. The everyday life before the storm hits. Also in these pages indicate the
main character’s PROBLEM. For example, “If only John wasn’t so arrogant, maybe he’d
get that damn promotion.” Whatever he is NOT able to do here, he should be able to do at
the end of the movie.

3) INCITING INCIDENT. Page 10-12. AKA “The Catalyst.” This is the monkey wrench
that comes along and sends the protagonist’s world spinning. After this, life cannot remain
the same. This then forces the character to make a decision: accept the challenge or not.
Remember STAKES! In movies, the stakes must always be high. If the protagonist does not
succeed in his mission, the consequences must be DIRE for the protagonist. If the hero can
just go back to life as it was, then you shouldn’t be writing this movie.

4) HERO REFUSES THE CALL. Pages 13-17. Per myth, the hero doesn’t WANT to risk
everything to set off on this dangerous adventure and has to be convinced into doing it by a
MENTOR or other forces. The hero likely has to overcome his fears. Or another event
occurs that gives the hero no other option but to take on the danger.

5) HERO PREPARES. Pages 18-25. Accepting what he must do, hero prepares—rallies
friends, gathers necessary materials, etc.

6) END OF ACT ONE. Page 25-30. Hero debarks on The Journey, accepts the call to
Adventure and sets out from the safety of his known world into the unknown new world of
the second act. Note that this can come as early as page 22 or so, but not much earlier.

7) ACT TWO FIRST HALF. Pages 30-55. Several things happen here. First is we pay off
the premise and have some fun. So if your movie concept is about a man dressing up like a
chimp and going to live with apes at the Zoo, then these scenes show fun antics of what
that’s like. Think ‘trailer moments.’ Secondly, here we need to again emphasize the
protagonist’s dramatic flaw, which others are aware of, but HE is not—yet. Third, the
protagonist makes allies here—new traveling companions or others met along the journey
who could come in handy. And finally, the bad guy steps it up and tries to stop the hero. All
the while, the hero is actively pursuing his or her quest. A passive hero makes for a lame
flick.

8) MIDPOINT ACT 2. Page 55-60. The high point of the second act. Here we have a huge
twist or change or a big set-piece. This is also generally where the hero finally begins to
become self-aware—he finally starts to comprehend and accept what his problem is,
although he still can’t fix it yet. The hero makes a move to take control of the emotional
dilemma—generally followed by an immediate reversal to challenge that decision.

9) ACT TWO SECOND HALF. Pages 55-75. Fun and games are over. The conflict
suddenly amps up. Bad guy strikes back. Hero is forced to zig when he wanted to zag. The
conflict expands and escalates.

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10) THE FALSE ENDING. Page 75. It appears the protagonist is going to pull it off. He’s
within sight of his goal. He’s overcome obstacles and is about to win. But, no such luck…

11) THE BLACK MOMENT. Page 85-90. As we roll into the end of Act 2, everything
starts going wrong. Allies abandon the hero. Hero’s plans fall apart. Perhaps he, or an ally or
love interest, is captured. By the end of act 2, the hero should be at the farthest possible
point from his goal. Despair and as Blake Snyder puts it, “a whiff of death” here.

12) ACT 3. Page 90-110. After the hero hits rock bottom, he has to pick himself up by his
bootstraps. This often comes in the form of a mentor character imparting sage wisdom that
enlightens and empowers the character. Thus the character CHANGES, and overcomes his
dramatic flaw. In so doing he is now finally able to see how to defeat the menace. Also here
allies met along the journey come back to help the protagonist succeed. Finally, and this is a
MUST, is the showdown—the confrontation between the good guy and the bad guy.

13) TAG, YOU’RE IT. End of script. The protagonist succeeds and returns back to his known
world of Act 1 a changed and better man, bringing with him “the elixir,” or in other words, the
spoils of his successful quest. He is now able to do the thing he was NOT able to do in the first
few scenes of the movie.

+++

Now clearly this is formula, but formula is formula for a

reason - it works, and most movies are based on it. Looking at
this, it seems we’re missing some structural waypoints, as well
as a real throughline for your protagonist. I’m not saying you
must completely rewrite the script to conform to this, but the
point here is, things happen in this template when they do for
a reason - they work. So make sure you have damn good reasons
for doing so when you depart from it.

That said, I quite like the way the scenes roll out, gradually
changing the tenor of the relationship between the characters
from beginning to end. This is effectively done, and if we had
some better drawn leads, it could be very compelling as a
wartime character study film. Not super commercial, mind you,
but possibly actor bait - and that’s not a bad thing. We’ll get
into character depth in a moment.

PLOT LOGIC

There are a few things in the script which jump out and make us
go huh? For example, in the scene on p. 28, Harold advises
Amelia to tell her sister about their relationship and romance,
but it should be obvious to them, and everyone for that matter,
that Miriam knows about it by then. In other words, she
shouldn’t have to tell Miriam something she already has

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indicated to her she knows. So maybe just have Amelia confirm

once and for all to Miriam that she loves Harold and doesn’t
want her to come between them – either that or have Harold
advise Amelia the same thing earlier than he does. The non-
confrontational way the reveal finally comes lets the air out
of the tires anyway, so if this is going to be a point of
contention (obviously so) between Amelia and her far-more-
dysfunctional-than-she-thought sister, let’s have it out. Let’s
face it, Miriam must be rocking some serious mental issues to
do what she does later in the script. Let’s see more evidence
she’s capable of this early on. Even in the teaser, maybe make
Miriam the inciter, the one who’s always pushing things too
far, and Amelia the reserved, prim one.

In the scene on p. 68, when Burt gives Sheila his Luger, he

says he can tell that someone had taken it and had cleaned it
after they used it. This is wonderful - of course he should be
able to tell this. A refreshing moment of movie realism! But
it’s all dashed because it should be obvious to him that Miriam
took it, given she’s the only one who he let use it for target
practice – unless, of course, he was trying to keep Sheila from
knowing that because of her jealousy of Miriam. And if that’s
the case, you need to give that a bit more exposition in that
regard. For example, you could show him looking sheepish or a
bit guiltier than he does in the action description in that
particular scene or trying to protect Miriam (subtext.)

This is a minor concern, but in the scene on p. 22-23, why

would Sheila be so upset that Burt is teaching Miriam how to
shoot at targets? She’s jealous of him, but it just seems a
little bit overkill, especially given how jealous Miriam is
about Harold. The amount of time and loss of sleep this
requires jumps out as a clear issue which is not exploited, so
perhaps this can be the first sign of Miriam screwing up --
she’s falling asleep at work, making mistakes, and it’s all
because of her dangerous cavortings with Burt.

At the same time, there’s a scene where Harold notices that

Amelia arches her right eyebrow in certain instances and Miriam
doesn’t, which distinguishes one from the other. This was a
good little mannerism that I thought would serve to foreshadow
something creative for later, so let’s use it a little better.
A good place for that would be when Miriam sneaks up to shoot
Harold, he says something that generally would make Amelia arch
her brow, but Miriam doesn’t, but by then it’s too late.

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Throughout, there are moments where characters do or say things

that seem unbelievable, such as Miriam saying “It was going to
be so much fun, coming over here to the front.” At this point
Amelia should turn to her like she’s nuts (she IS.) Who says
something like this? Miriam better damn well play that line off
with a laugh or else we think she’s flat-out stupid.

On page 15, we have our characters unexpectedly speaking

German, yet this was never set up. This seems like the type of
thing we’d need to know in advance -- possibly in the “hero in
his known world” first ten pages of the script, where the girls
study German and then because of that, they are selected by the
draft board and sent into service. Giving us 10 pages of them
before we get to the front would go a long way towards allowing
us to better paint them as characters. Similarly, we should
know they’re Canadian before we are told this on page 20. We’ll
get into the script’s numerous “show, don’t tell violations” as
well as more on character depth in a moment.

Is Miriam really equipped to triage? This is a nice way to show

her coldness, but it feels like we need to see her working up
to this position of responsibility. Otherwise, she is pretty
unequipped to make life and death calls.

Thurderbird’s training sequence is good, but too easy. We go

from “you can’t learn” to she’s learned everything she needs in
one short, easy scene. Let’s turn this into a sequence and have
him train her.

Burt’s plan on page 56 is nutso. I mean, Miriam is clearly

nuts, but Burt? Why would he bring her along to the front?
Insanity!

On page 58, we have the confrontation between Sheila and Burt -

- but we never made clear there was anything between them in
the first place. Obviously, Sheila gets jealous as hell
earlier, but we never SAW anything from Burt one way or
another. So let’s SHOW them as a couple. Have her harping over
him as he recuperates, kissing him, and Miriam setting her
sights and moving in on him anyway.

More craziness as Harold offers to take Amelia behind enemy

lines on page 60. How about he takes her in the OPPOSITE
direction? Moments like this make the script seem like
backwards line, like the front and German-occupied France are
wonderful places everyone is trying to get to.

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SHOW Amelia favoring a scarf before page 64. Maybe it was their
mother’s. Set this up in Act 1 -- don’t tell us about it deep
into the screenplay.

PACING

Pacing is affected not only by the script’s page count, but

also by the combined strength of its structure, plot,
characters, dialogue, and narrative. A solid structure, strong
plot progression, and active, interesting characters with clear
goals, objectives, and strong arcs will all serve to create a
fast-paced script.

While the script has a lean and mean page count (great!) the
pacing can feel sluggish at times. A lot of this comes from the
lack of throughline -- an urgent quest which the protagonist
must achieve, such that the audience invests in and roots them
on. Also, the page count is deceptive, because the dialogue
margins are too wide (see the markup to be returned.) So the
real page count if formatted properly would probably be closer
to 105-110 pages (still okay, page count-wise.) But there are
also a few scenes in the script that are repetitive and
superfluous. For example, the scene in the DeGaulle (name is
too obvious -- reconsider) Manor House on p. 29, where Amelia
confides her relationship with Harold to Louise, is repetitive
and not necessary because we already knew she and Harold were
keeping it secret in the previous scene. Additionally, there
were a couple of scenes with Miriam trying to convince Amelia
to leave Harold. In fact, Miriam repeats the very same dialogue
she did in several previous scenes.

The same thing applies to the scenes on p. 51-55, where Amelia

gives Miriam grief for lying to her about sneaking to no-man’s-
land and Miriam is angry with Amelia yet again about not
leaving Harold.

The marked up script to be returned will hopefully indicate

other trims for pacing. Of course, the short page count is
generally indicative of a lack of character work in act 1, and
that’s the case here as well.

CHARACTERS

AMELIA AND MIRIAM: There are great qualities to both these

characters. Amelia obviously is the more earnest, good-hearted,
and reliable of the two; Miriam the more unstable. During the
course of the story, the strong bond between the twins is

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tested and then shattered by Amelia’s relationship with Harold,

as well as the two girls keeping secrets from each other. This
growing rift is nicely capped by them having to sleep together
every night, and the earnest, caring “good-nights” which then
turn forced. This is all good stuff.

But who is our protagonist? The two twins share an equal amount
of screen time in the story, but as mentioned, neither really
has a strong throughline, or critical task/mission/agenda that
must be accomplished. Amelia seems to just be trying to do her
job and find a way to survive it all in one piece, and come out
of it with Harold. Fair enough. So basically that makes her our
protagonist. But is it enough? Perhaps if there were something
else to create more urgency, then we could invest more in her
journey and root her on. Right now she’s more a passenger
really. The only thing she’s really trying to do is keep her
relationship a secret. Okay, well perhaps that’s enough, if we
can add more to it. For example, perhaps we should discuss that
Amelia knows her sister is short-tempered and volatile and
emotionally not quite there. Thus it becomes imperative to keep
this a secret from Miriam. Of course this is crazy because we
all know they’ll be found out sooner or later, and Harold
should say so. But maybe Amelia has a plan -- to escape from
her sister. Maybe she can have Harold put in for a transfer,
and she hopes to go with him, thus freeing her from her sister
once and for all. Now this changes the dynamic of the character
interaction significantly, but what it gets us is a real end
game for Amelia with stakes, and a ticking clock. Perhaps
Harold gets the transfer but it’s not for 4 weeks. So they have
to keep this secret from Miriam for that time because if Amelia
simply tells Miriam the tMiriam, she’s worried about what
Miriam will do. Yeah, she’s that crazy and her sister needs to
know it (because otherwise the audience will find her
hopelessly naïve that she didn’t know what her own sister was
capable of.)

Apart from that, we’re lacking real depth of character for

Amelia. This is partly because we don’t have any real
“protagonist in her known world” section of the story
(generally the first 12 pages of the script) to show us who the
movie is about. After a brief prologue, the movie launches
right into the twins leaving for war. But that departure
shouldn’t come until page 12-14. Before that, we need ten pages
of WHO IS AMELIA (and MIRIAM)? These scenes need to set up the
whos, what, where, when and whys of these characters, and show
us in particular What is Amelia’s dramatic need? This is why we
have “show don’t tell” violations throughout the script,

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learning about their skillsets by being told about them,

throughout the narrative. Instead, we should be SHOWN what
these skillsets are in the first ten. SHOW Amelia teaching
German and volunteering at a hospital. Show her having a date
but Miriam sabotages it without Amelia knowing about it. Show
us where they live, how they live, what they’re doing in life.
Talk about their hopes and dreams. Show us what Amelia NEEDS.
What’s missing in her life? How does her close relationship
with her sister help/hurt her? These are happy times at first,
but they should still be tinged with darkness to set up where
the script is going. Tonally they need to foreshadow Miriam’s
spiraling mental disease.

In addition, we should include other elements to really give us

a well-rounded protagonist, such as hobbies, quirks, foibles,
friends (and enemies,) etc. These crucial first ten pages will
then give us everything we need to know so that when our girls
sail off to war, we are already invested in them and have a
clear idea who is the protagonist and why we like her.

MIRIAM: a much trickier character than straight-ahead Amelia,

and with the makings of a really great antagonist. I love that
she’s the threat from within, and the bond between the twins
makes their separation and the tragedy to come juicy. But many
of the same notes apply to Miriam regarding character. She
actually functions as a co-protagonist for a while, given that
the screen time is equally split between her and Amelia. That’s
fine as well, but again we need to really underline their
differences so we can get an idea of the darkness to come.

So again, in the first ten pages we really need to see what

makes her tick. These new scenes should basically focus on
Amelia, but there can be a Miriam scene as well, and then a
scene with them both together. What makes her tick? What is HER
dramatic need? If Amelia wants to serve, and hopefully find
love, what does Miriam want? Let’s see how her mental issues
subtly undermine her in the beginning, and underline the
differences between the two girls, even though both are at this
point 100% a team. Again, giving Miriam hobbies, things she’s
good at (and not so good at) and friends and a life will all go
a long way.

Once the story is underway, Miriam transforms into a real

oddball, and we don’t know what’s driving her. There’s no
romantic attraction to Burt, so we don’t really understand why
she’s obsessed with learning to shoot. Maybe she’s a tomboy and
a fierce woman’s rights advocate and thinks a female soldier

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can be as good as any man, and she tries to enlist as such but
is laughed out of the recruitment office. So she sets out to
prove to everyone she can be as good a soldier as any man.

Finally, we really need to understand that she is mentally ill,

because shooting Harold like that is CRAZY. The bond between
the sisters is not enough to provoke this, because clearly
they’ve both had dates in life beforehand (which we should
see.) If their bond is so strong that she will not tolerate any
man taking her sister away, then basically that means she is in
love with her sister in all the wrong ways. And apart from
following her and spying on her, this would manifest in
passive/aggressive behavior towards her sister and Harold long
before trying to kill him. I mean, how good would she be at
bottling these feelings up? Wouldn’t she have a screaming hissy
fit first? Maybe catch them in the act and confront Harold and
Amelia? We need to really dig in to the psyche of the
personality so that the stakes ramp up (again, after this
confrontation could come the moment of Amelia realizing: she
needs to abandon her sister and get away with Harold) and we
put the wheels in motion for the ultimate betrayal: the murder
of Harold.

HAROLD AND BURT: These are both good characters as far as they
go, but like our two leads, both need a bit more fleshing out
as well. Starting with Harold, the way the relationship
develops with Amelia is pretty good, although we could use
evidence of more chemistry on the page -- furtive looks,
subtext, body language, sly inquiries and so forth. Make this
attraction irresistible, even though it clearly is a threat to
Amelia’s relationship with nutty sister (which Harold should be
concerned with and maybe pick up vibes from.)

Just like with our leads, we need to see more personality from
Harold. Where is he from? Did he grow up in Germany or is he
second generation? How did he get into the war and why? Is he
career military? Does he have any skills outside of uniform?
What does HE want? Now we can’t give Harold scenes in the first
ten, but we can certainly learn more about him in his scenes
with Amelia -- talking about hopes and dreams, joshing around,
reminiscing. The more dimensional he is, the greater the weight
of his murder.

Burt has lots of good elements, and we don’t need too much more
here than is already there. But the main thing about Burt is,
what the hell is his relationship with Sheila, and how does he
feel about Miriam? It feels like we’d make more hay out of a

14
 15

love triangle if he really did like Miriam, but was already

“dating” Sheila (or having a hospital romance as it were.)
Miriam might not reciprocate, but the pull of this sexy nutcase
should be like a moth to a flame for poor Burt, who likes the
sultry, dangerous edge of slightly crazy Miriam. The fact that
she wants something from him but doesn’t reciprocate his
feelings will only add fuel to that fire, driving him crazy.
There’s so much great tension we can layer in here -- wonderful
angst and subtext and passion to play with here, none of which
is on the page. We’re missing out of the meat of the story by
cheating the emotion out of both “love” stories between each of
our leads. More than anything else, this area is the one to
really concentrate on moving forward.

Watch some great romance movies and pay attention to how the
scenes play out. For example, AS GOOD AS IT GETS features
wonderful character interplay between dysfunctional people, who
finally come together. THE WAY THEY WERE has a wonderful build
to the relationship between Streisand and Redford - we know
they’re going to get together, but they really have nothing in
common at first and kind of dance around each other. So much is
in the body language and subtext as the characters weigh their
own attractions against the negatives of being with this
person, and everything else going on in their lives.
Particularly with a wartime backdrop, this should be a major
element of the screenplay.

DIALOGUE:

A script’s dialogue should advance the plot, reveal the

character, and express the theme. It should have the rhythm of
real conversation without being as dull as real conversation.

While your dialogue was fairly good and seemed to depict the
various character types, sometimes it comes across wooden, too
“on-the-nose” expositional, and even overly lengthy in places.
Also, there are too many “talking head” bantering scenes
between characters with superfluous and repetitive dialogue.

For example, the Headmistress’s lofty incantation to Mr.

Chesterson on p. 3 is lengthy and too on-the-nose expositional.
This brings us back to SHOW DON’T TELL. Movies are a visual
medium. Avoid TELLING us about characters in unnatural ways
(exposition.) instead, come up with scenes that illustrate the
facet of this person you wanted to tell us about (SHOW.) This
is another advantage to those missing first ten pages of the
script -- you can put all these character-defining beats into

15
 16

the movie by SHOWING them. Without this, we’re forced to resort

to clunky lines telling us things we should already know about
our leads. There are numerous “Show, Don’t Tell” violations in
the markup to be returned.

Miriam’s dialogue to Harold on p. 8 is a bit choppy and

includes dangling sentences, so I would suggest you consider
the following snappier version, “Okay, Lieutenant, come with
us. We’ll get some alcohol for her in the kitchen. No one’s
there.”

A good example of repetitive dialogue is on p. 9, where Miriam

tells Harold they’re going to keep it quiet, but she already
said that before in the previous scene. Also, Miriam repeats
the very same words Harold said in her last line of dialogue on
p. 9, “We’re not supposed to be backing you up.”

On p. 19, Miriam’s dialogue is a bit wooden and would sound

better as, “We could stop by an ‘estaminet’ café and have a
drink to see what they’re like, but we’d need to wear clothes
to appear like Frenchwomen.” You misspelled “estaminet,” by
the way.

At the same time, there are a number of places where the

dialogue is anachronistic and sounds like something young kids
in our present era would say…

For example, on p. 12, Miriam asks Amelia, “You’ll never betray

me by ‘hooking up’ with a fella, will you?”

Also, Mrs. Moore even says “hooking up” in her dialogue to the
Doctor on p. 13.

And again, on p. 46, Thunderbird tells Miriam, “Yeah, no

problem.”

FORMATTING/ TECHNICAL ISSUES:

The script needs to meet the industry standards in format,

appearance, grammar, and spelling if you expect it to be
considered by a producer, agent, or industry-type.

There are copious amount of mistakes in this regard, from the

first page of your script to the very last, that will stop most
industry types from ever considering it.

16
 17

I’ve made note of the following errors, and there are many
more in the markup. Again, our Style Guide will elucidate on
many of these areas and improve your chances of getting your
script sold.

On p. 1, you need to add the slug line “INT. COUNTRY MANSION

OF J.J. CHESTERSON,” for the scene where the staff is giving
the twins hot cocoa. There are several missing location slugs
throughout. Every time we move inside or outside, into a new
room, etc, that requires a new location slug.

On p. 1, “…like Maggie Smith playing (not ‘plsying’) Jean

Brodie…” But this should be cut anyway - never refer to other
movies. It will come across as derivative or worse, if the
reader hasn’t seen that reference, could work against you.

All of your main characters need to have their specific ages

noted as well as their physical descriptions. And ALL
CHARACTERS (first and last name) should be capitalized when
they are first introduced. However, that’s the ONLY time they
should be capitalized. Thereafter, standard upper and lower
case for all names.

Mrs. Chesterson isn’t shown in the beginning of the scene on

p. 2. Scene description must always tell us who is in the
scene and what the characters are doing.

The flashback scene in the twins’ mother’s bedroom on p. 2

would be more effective in the opening scene, as it’s not
necessary to flashback from the later scene.

On p. 2, the Headmistress says, “…stop them (from) going on,

right?”

Take out all of your FADE IN and FADE OUT notations on p. 2-

3, and throughout your entire script, and notate EXT and INT
slugs for your FLASHBACK scenes. These transitions are not
the writer’s call. Similarly, avoid all mention of CAMERA and
CREDITS.

Delete “V.O. see screenwriter’s note” on p. 3.

On p. 5 (and throughout your entire script), use a double

space between your slug lines and your first line of action
descriptions instead of 3-6 lines.

17
 18

On p. 6, Miriam’s first line of dialogue is missing a period at

the end.

On p. 6 (and throughout your entire script) don’t indicate “End

of... sequence.” This looks like you’re copying your notes from
your outline.

On p. 13, AMELIA is written instead of MIRIAM.

On p. 20, there needs to be a transition from the scene where

the German Officer and his soldiers leave and Louise brings her
guests out of the house.

NOTE: You included “shelling in distance” in the action

descriptions of almost every scene in the 2nd Act, so just make
that notation in the first scene that that occurs in all of
those following scenes.

And speaking of action descriptions, you should streamline them

more than you have and break them up in separate sentences or
even combine some...

For example, on p. 33, your 3 sentences take up 8 lines of

space and could easily be written as simply, “Miriam folds
clothes while Amelia writes a letter on top of a small board
held across her knees.”

On p. 68, use a double space between Sheila’s dialogue and

Burt’s dialogue, not 3 spaces. And on p. 67, use a single space
between Sheila’s dialogue name and her dialogue, not a double
space. These mistakes occur in many other places throughout the
script.

Writer often uses UK spellings as opposed to American ones.

MARKETABILITY

A bit of a mixed bag here. On the positive side, we have a

great dual role for an actress, and that means the best way to
market this may be to try to get one attached before shopping
it. On the negative side, period piece = death for specs. No
one wants to make a $100 million movie not based on source
material like a hit book (unless your name is Tarantino.) There
are some expensive sequences here to be sure, but fortunately
no gigantic bank-breakers. Still, the setting puts this movie
firmly in studio or well-financed indie territory, and there
are few of each. The best bet then is to find a passionate

18
 19

director or actress and then try to raise the money through a

film fund or overseas, since Europe seems to have no problem
with period pieces. Given the twins Canadian, as well, there
may be opportunities through the Canadian film programs to look
into.

MISC.

As a side note, no one ever makes any “twins” jokes or

observations in the script, and they never use their similar
appearances to any end until late in the script. Considering
they both work in the same place, people would be confusing
them all the time, as well as making jokes. It would be great
fun with the recovering men. Moreover, they’d quickly realize
they have to differentiate their appearance, so one would
surely have a different hairstyle (which Miriam might then have
to borrow a wig or something to emulate her sister’s appearance
later on, or wear a bonnet or whatever.)

CONCLUSION:

There are many elements in this script that are unique and
interesting. But as discussed, there are still a number of
issues that need to be addressed, and the writer should
attack them on a rewrite. If you’re willing to do that, the
script can be a real winner, and there’s no reason why it
wouldn’t be appealing to a studio or a production company
that makes films of this type.

Hollywood, especially now, is hungry for stories “that not

only look but feel like awesome movies.” But always remember
that studio and production executives are in the business of
saying no, so don’t give them an excuse to reject your
submitted script.

There’s work to be done here, but the good news is this is a

solid concept with a hook -- an actor bait dual lead role. It
may be wirth the heavy elbow grease to get it where it needs
to be.

Job well done, and good luck on the rewrite!

19
 20



YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

X
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

X
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

X X
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the TONE for the rest of the
X
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

X
and ability?

20
 21

Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of

X
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: PASS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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21
 COVERAGE, INK. COVERAGE

TITLE:
LOCALE: Seattle
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: Contemporary
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Romantic Comedy
BUDGET: Medium
DRAFT DATE: n/a
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE:

Love slowly blossoms when a high school student meets the pop star he idolizes.

SYNOPSIS:

Brad Kelly is a shy and sensitive high school junior—save for best friend Trevor,
he’s pretty much an outsider. His interest in gardening does nothing to help his
status with the popular crowd at school. He’s also consumed with fantasies
about Star McCarthy, a world-famous pop singer. She’s on tour and will soon
perform in Seattle—Brad feels certain it is his destiny to meet her, and he is
convinced that if he can get in the front row, their eyes will meet and she’ll share
his amorous feelings.

Unfortunately, it’s one fiasco after another as Brad tries to purchase tickets. He
is forced to view the concert from the nosebleed section, and can barely see her
onstage even with the help of binoculars. But he gets another chance when
Star’s manager Anna coerces the singer to sign autographs at the mall the next
day. Brad optimistically gets in line, only to have Star leave before he can
approach her. Star prepares to hop in her limo when she discovers that her
beloved dog Sammie has escaped. She and her entourage desperately search
for the pet; when she emerges from a room right in front of Brad, the teen faints
straightaway. Star pursues Sammy outside; the dog runs across the street, and
Brad heroically risks his life to save the canine. A truck nearly hits Brad, but
Sammie is safe. Star hops in the limo with her mascot, never realizing Brad’s
courageous role. But back at the hotel she realizes she lost a diamond earring,
given to her by Landon, the hunky singer she dates. But Brad found the diamond
and manages to track Star down to return it to her. She is impressed (yet initially
skeptical) that he selflessly wants to return the earring, wanting only the privilege
of meeting her.

1
Star is about to hit the road again, but realizes she can’t deal with the stress of
watching over the dog. Her father, who now lives in Seattle, is unable to watch
Sammie due to a business trip. Star is unwilling to board the pet with strangers
in a kennel, so she calls the one person she feels she can trust. Brad happily
takes the responsibility, and even refuses payment for his efforts. He meets Star
on the tarmac of the local airport, picks up the dog, and says farewell to the jet-
setting pop star. Despite this miraculous turn of events, he realizes he can’t
confide in anyone but Trevor, due to the seeming absurdity of the story.

Things begin falling apart for Star—she’s sick of the hollow life of an entertainer,
and Landon cheats with another woman. Brad consoles her about Landon, and
ultimately offers sage counsels rationalizing her wealth and fame, which is in
marked contrast to the abject poverty many face. Lyndsey, Star’s best friend,
urges her to consider dating Brad, because he is smart, sensitive, and honest.
Star dismisses the idea.

Star finally returns from tour and visits Brad to pick up Sammie. He shows her
around the simple suburban house, and then takes her out back to dazzle her
with his amazing gardening work. They draw closer and eventually kiss a single
time. Brad is of course thrilled! Soon after Star leaves, Brad calls to ask if she’ll
perform at his high school’s spring dance, and she accepts.

But not everyone is so happy at this growing bond—Anna thinks the relationship
bad for PR, and considers the concert a career killer. And Landon keeps
attempting to win Star’s love back; he ultimately succeeds, but the power-couple
is prevented by their hectic careers from spending time together. Still, things
seem to be going well for Star—and terribly for Brad. She tells the teen that
there’s no hope for a love affair, and she reneges on her plans to play the dance.
Brad of course is thoroughly discredited at school.

But the tables are soon turned when Star again catches her man cheating. It’s
finally over this time! Despite his regrets, Brad attends the dance, but all he
experiences is humiliation from his classmates…that is, except from Trevor and
Chloe, a nerdy girl he was previously not interested in. Brad and Chloe share a
tender dance just as Star and her band arrive. They rock the house on one tune,
and Star invites Brad up onstage. They make plans to spend the summer
together, then ride off on a Harley.

2
COMMENTS:

This is a somewhat modest story (meaning sweet and simple, rather than a high
stakes thriller or over-the-top comedy), and the writing craft is at times superb.
The first twenty pages or so are close to flawless—the “quest” for the protagonist
is clearly established early; dialogue is snappy and witty; humor is wry and
sophisticated; we learn many nuanced details about the protagonist via
thoroughly subtle indicators as opposed to gross exposition; and scenes often
cut with precision to subsequent scenes, so the pace is close to perfect.

The downside is that pace slows severely even before we’re out of Act I, and the
protagonist lacks a clear quest in Act II. Many of the scenes in the middle of the
screenplay are far too long, and do not drive the story in the sense of intensifying
or resolving conflicts. The protagonist has a very shallow transformational arc—
he does not grow or change much as the result of his experiences, and this
lowers stakes considerably.

Most of the problems in this screenplay concern PLOT and

CHARACTERIZATION. We’ll look at these together, since they are so
interdependent in this case.

CHARACTERIZATION/PLOT: Brad is a likeable protagonist. He’s sensitive,

thoughtful, honest, but far from perfect—we commiserate with his shyness and
with his feeling like an outsider. He’s so good-natured, we laugh with him rather
than at him as he fantasizes about the pop star he has no hope of meeting. We
root for him, but we sadly realize he probably has no hope to achieve his dream.
Most enjoyable is the dynamic between Brad and Trevor; their jibes and banter in
the first 20 pages or so are splendid. Moreover, we learn quite a lot about the
inner workings of Brad via very subtle indicators; rather than getting information
via exposition, we see what he is like through his actions, dialogue, gestures, etc.

The big issue concerning the protagonist is that his quest—to meet Star and
impress her enough so that she falls in love—is quickly resolved or at least
diminished considerably. He meets her and makes a fairly good impression early
on, so this is no longer a quest or source of conflict. True, he now has to get her
to love him, but he takes absolutely no active steps to achieve this in Act II. As a
result, we never get the sense that he is on a mission, and we are denied the
satisfaction of watching him struggle to win her over. He basically lets events
happen to him in Act II, and is content to sit back and hope for the best with her.

The author suggests a few valid sources for conflict in Act II—Brad seems to
want to impress his classmates, but can’t claim to know Star because they will
dismiss his claim as bogus. This is quite a crucible! Brad also wants to prove
himself via helping to organize the school dance, but this too is denied because
no one takes this outsider seriously. But these strains are severely

3
underdeveloped: Just as Brad does not take active steps to win Star, he does
not actively try to impress his classmates, and he makes only one feckless
attempt to pitch in with the dance plans. Moreover, it is never clear why he cares
so much about the popular kids. The author should (and could easily) explore
his insecurities and needs for validation from the in-crowd. Act I should firmly
depict Brad as desperate for respect from the jocks and cheerleaders, etc., only
to be a perpetual outsider. This will explain his attempts to pitch in on planning
the dance—and his desire to take a hottie to the event—as ways to boost his
credibility with the elite of the school. This could very well become the focus of
Act II, rather than Brad’s generally low-stakes interactions with Star. Because he
meets Star early on, and because Act II lacks much of an active quest, Star could
possibly serve as an archetype who symbolizes Brad’s longings to hang out with
the elites.

This device will not only give added dramatic weight to the climax (in which Brad
loses the popularity and admiration he so desperately craved), but it will also
permit a much steeper transformational arc. As it stands, Brad does not change
very much in this story. He starts off a decent and thoughtful guy (albeit very
uncool), and he pretty much stays that way as the story progresses. The author
should consider making him dreadfully uncool, only to grow in confidence and
cockiness as his friendship with Star grows; perhaps various kids could come to
believe his story about Star by the middle of Act II, and Brad could wind up on
the fast track to inclusion in the popular set. As he hits this peak, he should kick
his friends to the curb. In this sense, the big fight with Trevor should happen
much earlier, and it should last much longer—Brad should have to struggle to win
back his best pal, whereas it’s not currently a very rocky road to reconciliation.
When Star reneges on her pledge to sing at the dance, all of the popular kids (led
by that nasty jock) should rabidly turn on Brad, believing they were duped vis-à-
vis Star. Brad will now have no one—no Star, no Trevor, and certainly no
popular friends.

We can go one step further with this. The author presents a very sympathetic
character in Chloe. She’s a nerd, probably cute behind her shy façade, and
clearly hopeful for romance with Brad. He doesn’t seem to notice her in that way,
but is basically nice to her. Why not have them tentatively entering a romance
(Brad can even ask her to the dance early on) until he meets Star? As his
popularity magnifies, he can begin to ignore Chloe, thus crushing this poor girl
the way he himself is always crushed by the elites. In the climax, when Brad
realizes how hollow popularity is, he can fight to win back her trust. As it stands,
he gives her a sympathy dance in the climax, but it has absolutely no lasting
meaning…Gee, thanks. One measly dance, then Star shows up, and she’s a
nobody again!!! This is a very unpleasant final image of our hero. It makes his
quest ultimately shallow, and shows he learned nothing from his journey. The
author should strongly consider having Brad abandon his quest for Star in the
climax because he finds true love in his own high school.

4
The first scene is wonderful—we are in the midst of Brad’s fantasy world, and
have no reason to doubt it is reality, until things literally come crashing down on
him. But this juxtaposition between fantasy and reality should be explored much
more throughout the story. As he gets to know Star, Brad should believe he no
longer has need for his childish fantasies, as he’s getting to know the real Star
and is hopeful that in the end he’ll win her romantic devotion. But as he gets
swept up in the excitement of hanging with a celebrity and thus becoming a big
man on campus, he actually enters an even more elaborate delusion. Only when
his world implodes will he return to reality—to Trevor, Chloe, and his family.

Characters in screenplays should usually have a single “superpower” and a

single “kryptonite.” That is to say, while it’s great to have nuanced, complex
characters with many levels, they should have one clearly identifiable trademark,
and one clearly identifiable flaw that will stand in opposition to their primary
quest. The most apparent trademark for Brad is his love of gardening. But this
needs to be expanded. We catch a few glimpses of him working outdoors at
school, but we do not delve into the work he does at home to create the stunning
garden he shows to Star at the end of Act II. Moreover, he displays other,
inconsistent trademarks. There is a brief reference to his skill as a skateboarder
(we never actually see this), and he gives advice to Star about the Apollo
missions—he tells her he’s interested in space exploration, and we see him
working on a model. Everything but the gardening motif should be removed so
that we have a consistent profile of our protagonist. Gardening can serve as a
wonderful symbol of Brad’s fantasy world—he concocts a perfectly beautiful
garden just as he concocts images of the perfect life in his head. His fatal flaw
can be his need for popularity, his need to be justified via the approval of the cool
kids.

Star likewise needs a more consistent profile. Very soon after meeting her we
learn that she is increasingly turned off by the selfish people who clamor around
her. But in the middle of the second act, she seems to be far more turned off by
the shallowness and materialism of her very career. It makes the most sense to
have Star simply crave trust and honesty. She can’t trust the executives around
her, she can’t trust her fans (who all want something from the fantasy life she
vicariously provides), and she can’t even trust her boyfriend. Finally, she meets
the one man she can trust, and she begins to fall for him. The irony can be that
as her love for Brad grows, his trustworthiness vis-à-vis his true friends, will
decline.

Currently, Star has a very shallow arc. She’s already doubting her lifestyle when
we meet her—she expresses several times that she’s considering getting out of
her glamorous but meaningless career. And despite being a bit standoffish
toward her fans, she quickly proves herself a basically sweet and simple teen.
There are two possible solutions here, and the correct one will depend on how
the author decides to re-imagine Brad. If the author decides to give Brad a
sweeping arc, in which he goes from being a shy guy with values, to being a

5
snob and jerk, back to being true-blue, Star could have no arc—she might seem
to be idyllic when viewed from afar by the star-struck teen, but the audience will
realize she’s just a vain celebrity. On the other hand, if the author wants to keep
the focus on the romance with Star, in which Brad and Star ride off as lovers in
the end, she should have a drastically steeper arc, changing from shallow to
substantive due to Brad’s influence. This change will of course reinforce how
good a guy Brad is, but the problem with the latter approach is that it puts the
weight on how the leading lady changes in response to the protagonist, rather
than on how the protagonist himself grows. For this reason, it would probably be
more satisfying to give Brad a sweeping arc and progressively reveal Star as not
quite as idyllic as she seemed.

Trevor is lots of fun, and the author has wisely given him a pay off in the end. It
can’t be stressed enough that the most rewarding aspect of this screenplay are
the relentless barbs hurled at Brad by his friend. If the screenplay could maintain
this playfulness in every scene, we’d have a real winner of a story.

There are probably too many minor characters. Molly and Sean are mainly
nonexistent, so we should probably have no more than one sibling. Several
jocks are presented, including an unnamed LETTERMAN we never see again—
one or two menacing jocks will suffice. Jackson is not crucial to this story—Anna
could cover all the functions of Jackson as he escorts Star to her hotel room, etc.

STRUCTURE: In terms of hitting the major pivotal marks of a three act

screenplay, the author is generally close to being right on the money. We start
off great! There is a strong visual hook on page 1, when Brad fantasizes about
Star, and there is a decisive inciting incident on page 8, when Brad goes on his
ill-fated mission to score tickets.

The plot point setting up the new act seems to be Brad’s discovery of the ring.
This is a powerful way to pivot the story into new territory, but it happens too late.
When Brad returns home and tells Trevor what happened, we have the feeling of
entering a new act. But this only begins on page 40. As noted throughout the
markup, the mall scene is unmemorable and should be cut drastically. Some
suggestions on how to achieve this are given in the markup, but there are many
possible solutions. The vignettes showing the autograph line lack the wonderful
humor of the earlier pages, and are not really important in that they do not
concern the protagonist. The build up with the limo driver losing his spot is not
necessary for creating true conflicts, sneaking across the mall in disguise is not
vital to the story, etc. In fact, the scene could begin with Star pulling up to the
mall just as Brad arrives; Sammie could bolt into traffic, Brad could give chase,
and this could lead to his finding the earring. The mall scene currently stands at
around 20 pages, whereas a more direct set up could occur in just a page or two.

Act III happens at about the “right place” (page 90), when Anna sets up the
reunion between Star and Landon. Subsequent pace is good, although the

6
protagonist would have a much more riveting transformation if he pursued an
active quest and encountered more challenges in Act II. In other words, the
sense of closure for Brad could be far more complete in the climax; due to the
lack of real crises and conflicts in Act II, the events of the final act simply do not
pack the punch they could…issues are being resolved that were not clearly
established as problematic in earlier pages.

STYLE: Overall, style is pretty good. There are a few instances of needless
camera direction (rarely warranted in a spec script); of exposition and telling
rather than showing us subjective states; and of scene transitions that are not as
razor-sharp as they might be. Most of these are indicated in the markup.

The author has a pesky habit of not giving scene headings as characters move
within a general location. These can be subheadings rather than complete
sluglines, but we clearly need to distinguish when we move from, say, a LIVING
ROOM to a KITCHEN. Most of these are marked on the hard copy as well.

As a very general style note, there are quite a few scenes (particularly in Act II),
that are forgettable, and could be ramped up in terms of humor, conflict, and
pace. Most of these scenes are marked in text as well, but again, the 20-page
mall scene is the most glaring example.

MISCELLANEOUS: It’s never clear why the author indicates Olivia and the
principal are friends; this is a narrative dead end which we do not subsequently
explore.

It would be nice to get some examples of Star’s lyrics so that we could learn what
Brad finds so inspirational.

The title doesn’t pack much weight, as it seems to be perfectly literal. It would be
nice if there were some sense of double meaning or irony, but it really is about a
teen’s obsession with a pop star.

CONCLUSION: If the author can live up to the standards established in the early
part of the story, he’ll have a very appealing rom-com on his hands. The most
vital issue to address is the quest of the protagonist (and thus the definition of the
primary plot), and this must dovetail with Brad’s transformational arc.

Good luck!

7
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Excellent Very Good Good So-So Not Good

Artistically X

Commercial X

Premise X

Story X

Main
Characters X

Minor
Characters X

Dialogue X

Visual X
Elements

Title X

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: PASS

8
 COVERAGE, INK. PRO ANALYSIS

TITLE: (title)
LOCALE: Australian Outback
WRITER(S):
PERIOD: Present
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Paranormal Thriller
BUDGET: Moderate
PAGES: 101
DRAFT DATE: Unknown
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY: JT

LOGLINE:

An emotionally scarred former police detective, now a cattle drover crewman,

becomes an agent for good in a battle between supernatural forces and
reincarnated evil in a remote Australian outback town.

SYNOPSIS
An Aussie morning news show’s FEMALE PRESENTER interviews TWO less-than-credible EYEWITNESSES about the
Chaurus Lights, a supposedly supernatural phenomenon in the outback. In the outback, a cattle drover crews camp for the
night with their herd. Drover ANDREW MCKINNLEY (25), a former police detective, wakes from a nightmare about his dread
after hearing a RADIO call about an attack on a woman. The drovers hit the trail in the morning. Lead drover PETER (60, old
world cowboy type) tells Andrew about a small settlement of odd people up ahead. Good food and drink, though. Younger
drovers BILL (19, chubby) and MARTIN (21, designer clothes, constantly on his cell phone) bring up the rear. Martin ribs Bill
for mistaking a man’s good-looking ass for a woman’s. DAVID (32, modern cowboy type) tells them to stop fucking around
and mind the strays. The drovers reach the rundown town of Chaurus at dusk. Four wooden boundary posts mark the town’s
limits. Martin’s cell connection cuts out as they pass the posts to pen the cattle. Peter tells Martin and Bill to be on their best
behavior as they enter the town pub/hotel. Bartender ANITA (30s, fairly attractive) serves food and drink. Martin leads a
reluctant Bill away hoping to sneak a peek into the ladies’ showers via the roof. A tour bus arrives with TOUR OPERATOR
and 20 TOURISTS. They invade the pub and settle in. Local JEFF LARSON and the OPERATOR discuss the high volume
tour business because of the Chaurus Lights’ legend. Martin and Bill ogle at showering LADY TOURISTS. Bill tells Martin not
to tap him because he might fall. Martin didn’t touch him. The ladies see them. In the pub, Peter, David and Andrew eat while
Jeff tells rapt tourists about the Chaurus Lights that stalk and haunt outback travelers. The Operator warns the tourists of
cannibal Aboriginals whom he and Jeff claim created the Lights to attract fresh meat. Outside, Martin and Bill visit “Gwinlan
Jones’” lone grave and decrepit headstone under a leafless tree in the center of town. Martin considers breaking the
headstone with a rock, but a LOCAL scares them off. The Local cleans up the grave. At the pub, the Operator tells the tourists
about the whining the Lights emit before they attack. Local TALVERT COOMBS interrupts, spinning the story of Gwinlan
Jones, who died 100 years ago tomorrow and whose ghost roams the pub halls every night at 11:52pm, tapping people on the
shoulder or blowing on their necks. Martin and Bill return in time for the drovers to leave for their camp. Talvert’s tale
continues — Chaurus used to be prison Work Camp 39, where Gwinlan served for rape and murder, and tomorrow’s the 100-
year anniversary of his escape and rampage that killed everyone in the camp, after which he performed a ritual to bring him
back to life in 100 years. Anita and Jeff shoo Talvert away, but not before Talvert and Andrew make eye contact. Jeff gets in
Andrew’s face a bit before Andrew leaves. The drovers camp inside the town boundary. Peter presses Andrew about his

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being distracted. Peter’s still curious why Andrew still hasn’t told him why he left the city to work the range two years ago.
Andrew reveals he was a detective whose wife had been raped and murdered, and that he left the force knowing he’d have
killed the culprit if found. He rode west and took a job at a cattle station. He doubts he’ll ever go back because he’s not that
same man. Morning brings good weather. Anita tells them they’re no longer welcome in town because somebody saw Martin
and Bill damaging Gwinlan’s headstone. Peter’s pissed, and Anita won’t take an apology — leave! Andrew has an uneasy
feeling about the mountains to the east. The drovers hit the plains. In Chaurus, the Operator gives Jeff an envelope of cash.
The loaded tour bus leaves town in the drovers’ direction. The drovers encounter the Chaurus Lights (six-inch hovering orbs
of opaque white light), which scope them out. Andrew falls into a trance as the Lights pass. He FLASHES BACK to the
moment he proposed to his wife, APRIL, under a starry night sky. In the present, Andrew’s overcome with emotion. The Lights
emit a high-pitched hum and speed away. WTF! The drovers move on. In Chaurus, the pub clock chimes 11:52pm. Anita’s
happy yet concerned. At Gwinlan’s grave, Jeff watches that rock Martin considered using shake, spin and fly away. On the
plains, Peter tells Martin and Bill to act more responsible while visiting small towns. Martin whatevers, talking on his phone.
Then that flying rock embeds into his skull, killing him. Andrew surmises neither a local, nor a human for that matter, could’ve
done it because of the impact. David thinks it’s the Chaurus Lights. Peter concurs. Andrew doesn’t buy it, but they need to
contact the police. Too bad Martin’s phone is broken. They must return to Chaurus. They wrap up Martin’s body. Only Andrew
notices a Chaurus Light moving away in the distance. Meanwhile, the Lights buzz the tour bus; the Operator panic turns into a
pothole and pops a tire. The drovers encounter the crippled bus. They compare notes on their Lights encounters, including
Martin’s death. The drovers offer to help fix the tire. Andrew notices a FEMALE TOURIST smiling at him. The Operator lets
the drovers put Martin’s body with the luggage. Andrew tells the Operator it’s irresponsible to only have an emergency tire as
a spare. The Operator rips Andrew for telling him how to run his business. Andrew stops short of pushing back; Operator rips
him for being a “piss weak whiner.” The Operator puts on a congenial face for Peter, who also comments on the tire. Andrew
bristles. Tire replaced, drovers and bus head for Chaurus, where Jeff approaches Talvert at his general store to remind him
that the community suffers when his Gwinlan story scares off tourists and that community secrets need to be kept because
something wonderful starts tomorrow. Talvert cowers and apologizes — it won’t happen again. Talvert’s concerned about dark
clouds approaching in the distance, and Gwinlan’s grave. The drovers and bus plod along. Peter prods Andrew about his
distraction. It’s about Andrew lacking self-confidence and running away after April’s death. He doesn’t think he’s a man
anymore. Peter likens it to the response he received after returning from an unpopular war. He thinks men never lose their
self-confidence; they just misplace their balls. Andrew will find his soon. They reach Chaurus, where Anita and Jeff welcome
the tourists back with open arms. The drovers, not so much. Jeff could care less that Martin’s dead or that they need to call
the police — Martin fucked with Gwinlan’s grave. Andrew pays Jeff $1000AU for phone access. Peter sweet talks Anita into
letting the drovers stay at the pub until the storm blows over… but only after they relinquish their guns. Anita allows Andrew to
stow Martin’s body in the pub’s meat locker, where Jeff peeks at the rock damage. The tourists opt to get drunk while waiting
out the storm. Andrew calls the police from the pub phone, but the connection is distorted and suspect. It’s the only phone in
town. Bill notices that his iPod’s internal clock keeps resetting to November 12, 1913. David just wants to drink. The storm hits
Chaurus with torrential rain. While the tourists party, the drovers lament Martin’s death. Andrew overhears a drunk LOCAL
oblige a curious TOURIST with the Gwinlan Jones story again. Andrew watches Anita interrupt and tell the Local to cut wood
for the kitchen ovens. The local braves rain and mud to the town workshop, where he cuts lumber. Strange footprints appear
at Gwinlan’s grave and make a trail to the workshop, where the Local notices a pair of Chaurus Lights hovering outside. The
footprints appear in the sawdust, and an unseen force pushes the Local into the saw, severing his arm. Everyone follows the
screams to the workshop. The Local blames the lights, which still hover. Andrew notices the footprints leading back to
Gwinlan’s grave — and the prints aren’t from human feet or boots. Anita and Jeff rail against the tourists snapping photos.
Talvert watches from afar. Andrew and Jeff argue about who or what left the prints, to the point where Jeff threatens
Andrew… and Peter for butting in. Andrew keeps pressing, and Jeff lays hands on him. Anita breaks it up. The group brings
the Local to the pub. Andrew’s embarrassed about being manhandled. Talvert watches him from afar. Meanwhile, the
DISPATCHER at the county police station plays SHERIFF JOHN BOWMAN Andrew’s garbled message. They can only hear
“Chaurus” and “murder.” Another OFFICER dismisses it as a prank, but Bowman decides to check it out, since he lives
nearby. At the pub, Jeff cauterizes the Local’s stump. The drovers play poker. The rain pours beyond the town’s boundaries.
In town, there’s no rain, and a black void’s opened up in the clouds above Gwinlan’s grave. Andrew’s unsettled by Jeff and
drunk TOURIST #4 mocking him. He and the drovers discuss Martin more, until Tourist #4 interrupts to mock Andrew’s cop
past and efforts to solve Martin’s death. Andrew swallows his anger. Bill pipes up, which makes Jeff laugh. Peter tells them to
ignore Jeff. Outside, a bolt of lightning strikes Gwinlan’s grave. Talvert sees it, having heard a noise in his store that woke him
up. He sleeps in a back room, where he keeps Polaroids of young kids. He’s spooked, seeing that it’s “9:35” on a clock.
Bowman drives toward Chaurus, hoping it’s not a prank and seeing the massive storm cloud system over the area.
JEANETTE, the tourist who smiled at Andrew from the bus, asks him to dance. He reluctantly agrees. Way drunk Bill and
David dance together. Jeanette and Andrew chat, discussing his widower status until drunken Tourist #4 tries cutting in,
insulting Jeanette and ripping Andrew for being more pussy than tough outback cowboy. Andrew gets pissed, but Bill
surprises Tourist #4 with a kiss, which freaks him out. Bill and David resume dancing. Andrew and Jeanette too. Talvert
approaches Andrew because he needs to talk. Andrew obliges, thanking Jeanette for the dance. Outside, Talvert tells Andrew
that the Lights didn’t kill Martin — it was something else. Talvert thinks Andrew an honorable man who believes in justice,
which is why he claims the Lights have chosen Andrew to destroy Gwinlan Jones, who is real. Uh, right. Talvert mentions
how the Lights have shown Andrew memories to evaluate him for bonding with one of them to defeat Gwinlan. He fills in
details about Gwinlan’s story: that he can’t leave the Chaurus boundaries until he’s reincarnated into physical form. The only
way to stop him is to undergo an ancient Aboriginal ritual and bond with one of the Lights. Talvert was tasked to thwart
Gwinlan’s reincarnation attempt 50 years ago; he went through the bonding ritual, but only managed to delay Gwinlan’s efforts
after the lights bailed on him after learning something about him they didn’t like (Polaroids, anyone?). Talvert barely survived,
but at least Gwinlan remained in Chaurus, though his spirit’s tainted the locals and made them unknowing servants. Talvert
moves away after the ritual. He moved back a few months ago in anticipation of the 100-year event — tonight. He’s sure the
Lights have chosen Andrew. It’s Andrew’s choice: he could just make it through the night and leave the next morning. Talvert
lays out the Gwinlan power build timeline, which started when Martin was killed. Gwinlan will attempt to take human form at
11:52pm. Talvert tells Andrew he must visit the Aboriginal in the mountains to undergo the ritual. Gwinlan’s evil can’t be

Page 2 of 16
allowed to leave. Then Jeff interrupts, scaring Talvert back to his store. Jeff manhandles Andrew again, who opts to return to
the pub instead of fight back. At his store, Gwinlan surprises Talvert in spirit form and rips him for telling “outsiders” about him.
He rips out Talvert’s tongue and kills him. Andrew returns to the pub and mentions the Gwinlan story and impending event. He
thinks Talvert is right. Peter tells him to stop fucking around with the locals. Andrew withdraws. Gwinlan appears to Anita in
the pub kitchen, partially reconstituted. He cops a feel, which she seems to like. Gwinlan’s pissed about her letting Talvert tell
Andrew about him. He tells her that he’s killed Talvert and that he needs four sacrifices in total to fully manifest in physical
form. He tells her to take care of the drovers; he thinks one of them’s a troublemaker. At 10:05pm, Andrew announces the
Gwinlan event to the entire pub, blaming Gwinlan for Martin’s death and the saw injury. No one cares. Jeff glares, though. The
Operator suggests Peter ditch troublemaker Andrew at the next town. Drunk, Peter rips Andrew for piping up. Anita interjects
and tells Andrew that Talvert’s known for his “stories,” which he’s used to distract from his alleged child molester past. A
visiting reporter overheard one of Talvert’s stories of Aboriginal cannibalism, which brought the town bad racial publicity.
Andrew’s crushed that his hunch is wrong. Bowman gets closer to Chaurus. An hour out, a Light buzzes his SUV. More follow.
At the pub, a depressed Andrew DREAMS/FLASHES BACK to happier times with April. In the present, the other drunken
drovers make fun of Andrew “kissing” his beer mug while he sleeps. Then the pub power goes out. Anita doesn’t know how to
start the generator. Peter visits the genie on his own, heading out back and sparking it up. Jeff’s out back, closing up the meat
locker. He accuses Peter of trying to sabotage the generator. He cold cocks Peter with his rifle butt. Andrew notices Peter’s
extended absence. David thinks Peter’s hooking up with Anita. Andrew sees a MIND FLASH of Anita, Jeff and the locals
chanting around Peter at a tree. He notices that Anita et al are gone. He goes outside, noticing the rain is horizontal beyond
the town boundaries. He follows murmuring to that workshop, where he sees Anita, Jeff and the locals about to lynch Peter
from a tree out back. Jeff tells the group about Peter’s “sabotage.” He shoots Peter’s arm and leg for talking back. Anita
considers Peter the troublemaker Gwinlan mentioned. Jeff thought it was Andrew, who’s petrified watching the proceedings.
He tries interceding, telling the mob that he and the drovers will leave town if it’ll stop the torture. Jeff makes Andrew beg on
his knees, allowing him to leave… but they still have to kill Peter. Andrew attacks Jeff, who pummels him before stringing up
Peter, who tells Andrew he’ll find his balls before the night is over. Andrew apologizes to Peter and watches him die. Andrew
passes out hearing Jeff mention something about not needing to buy legs of ham for a while. Andrew FLASHES BACK to the
day he submitted his police force resignation. The POLICE CHIEF claims Andrew will never forgive himself and that he’ll lose
his self-respect. He’s always known Andrew as tough. He hopes he’ll reconsider, but Andrew walks out. In the present,
Andrew wakes up at the tree. No Peter. He staggers back to pub, bloody. Anita acts as if nothing’s happened. Andrew tells
drunken David about Peter’s lynching. Wha…? He tells him that Talvert told him Gwinlan needs a head for each of the four
boundary posts, which will allow him to leave Chaurus. He claims Gwinlan’s chosen the drovers as his sacrifice. Andrew takes
charge of the group, determined to get them out of town even in the storm. They’ll have to leave the bodies behind. Andrew
tasks David with prepping the horses to leave while he scoops up Bill. But LOCAL #5 stops David, claiming it wouldn’t be right
for them to let the drovers leave in the bad weather. Andrew notices a time rift to Chaurus’s Work Camp 39 past open up
outside near Gwinlan’s grave. He sees a small office with a SECRETARY. In the pub, the clock says 11:01pm. Andrew
agrees with Local #5 — they’ll stick around. Andrew considers running away, but he sees a dozen Lights hovering outside the
boundary communicating with each other through their humming. Andrew confronts Anita about their complicity with Gwinlan.
She claims Gwinlan had harassed the town for years, but then promised to not kill them if they helped him manifest. He also
promised to protect them from the Lights. Anita is obvious under Gwinlan’s spell, convinced he won’t kill them, but thinking
it’d be a glorious way to die if he did. David suggests enlisting the tourists to help overrun the locals. Andrew thinks they’re too
drunk, which makes them dangerous. Gwinlan approaches Anita and tells her to kill Bill next to complete the sacrifice. Anita
brazenly approaches Bill and says she wants to fuck him right now. Bill’s game. An unseen force keeps Andrew from
interceding. David sees pressure marks on Andrew. WTF! Anita leads Bill to a back room, where they’re quickly naked and in
bed. Andrew regrets not being able to help Bill. He’s determined to stop cowering and do something about it. Anita and Bill go
at it… until she butchers him with a knife. Gwinlan’s there, manifesting and absorbing Bill’s life force. Gwinlan tosses Anita
aside after she claims she did it all for him. Andrew tells David to create a diversion so he can check on Bill. David pisses out
the window. Pisses on Local #3 who tries to make him stop. Nobody sees that the time rift is bigger outside, and it includes an
office building and PRISON GUARDS milling about the street. Andrew makes his way to the back room, where he finds Bill’s
headless body. Andrew freaks and wails at the failure he’s become. He takes Bill’s lighter as a memento for his parents.
Gwinlan hasn’t manifested enough to pass through the boundaries. The Lights keep a watchful eye on him. At first frustrated,
Gwinlan thinks the cattle holding pen’s overlap beyond the boundary may be of use to him. Andrew is a wreck about Bill. Anita
helps him clean up and tells him the sacrifice was necessary for Gwinlan’s return. Andrew and David will be able to leave in
the morning if they don’t cause any more trouble. Anita would like Andrew and David to witness Gwinlan’s return. In the pen,
Gwinlan continues to manifest, thus losing his powers. The Lights sense his weakness and attack, but Gwinlan reverts to
ghostly form and psychically destroys all but two of the Lights, which flee. Jeff helps Anita tend to a shell-shocked Andrew.
Gwinlan approaches the holding pen and the cattle. Anita makes Andrew coffee. They hear the cattle crying out and acting up
in the pen. It turns out Andrew was playing shell-shocked — he scalds Anita with coffee and knocks Jeff out with a chair,
taking Jeff’s rifle and reclaiming Peter’s pistol, and telling a confused David they need to rescue the cattle before they
stampede off the plateau. Outside, they mount their horses and notice that the time rift is expanded, revealing Work Camp 39
and the old prison. Andrew and David shoot their way out of town, braving the boundary rain, which rips at their flesh as they
make it through. Gwinlan returns to the pub for Plan B. Andrew and David pursue the cattle. David reaches the ridge, shooting
the lead cattle in hopes of stopping the rest. No luck — the cattle jump over the dead and carry David and his horse over the
edge. The Lights zip over the edge and try to catch David. No luck — they lose hold, and David falls to his death. Andrew
freaks. The Lights return to him and show him an IMAGE FLASH of ABORIGINALS and a beautiful cave. Then Lights
disappear. Andrew looks toward the mountains with determination. Almost reincarnated Gwinlan rapes Tourist #5 in her pub
room. Andrew rides his horse to the mountains. Anita and Jeff blame one another for Andrew’s escape. Tourist #5 emerges
from her room holding her stomach; she exits the pub. Her beau, Tourist #4, follows her outside and watches her pass
through a special opening in the boundary, leaving town. Tourist #4 sees that Work Camp 39 is completely visible through the
time rift. He freaks, as do Anita and the rest of the locals and tourists who now see it. Gwinlan basks in his glory, ripping apart
a tourist and ordering the rest back inside the pub. Andrew reaches the mountain, where ABORIGINALS attack, drug and
bring him to their camp. Andrew explains he wants to bond with a Light, which the ABORIGINAL ELDER explains is not for

Page 3 of 16
the corrupt white man; it didn’t work the last time they tried. Andrew professes his belief in honor and justice and how he
wants to destroy Gwinlan. The Elder thinks the white man unfit for bonding. He tells Andrew to leave and be grateful they
didn’t eat him. Andrew snatches a spear and threatens the Elder — he’s not leaving. The Elder relents, giving Andrew a
purple and green substance to drink, which paralyzes him. Tribesman drag Andrew into Apalie Alkira, a granite cavern, and
toss him into a shallow pool of water. Andrew watches Lights emerge from fires surrounding the pool. Another Light
approaches and speaks to Andrew telepathically. Its name is STEPHEN, and he was killed thousands of years earlier. He’s
searched the earth for someone like Andrew who shares his belief in honor and justice. Stephen will bond with Andrew, and
their destinies will forever be entwined. Andrew agrees to it, and Stephen enters his chest. Andrew is privy to Stephen’s
history through an intense vision. He emerges with the Light glow inside his heart and visible through his chest. Bonding
complete, the Elder sends Andrew off to find the justice he seeks. Andrew is more determined than ever. In Chaurus, Gwinlan
vows to kill everyone. The panicked tourists in the pub want to bolt, but the Operator suggests they wait until the event is over.
Then their tour bus crashes through the roof and crushes Jeff under a beam. The bolt for outside, despite Anita’s attempt to
make them stay so Gwinlan can take their life force. Jeanette maces Anita. The tourists find Gwinlan waiting for them. Lights
hover around Gwinlan. Sheriff Bowman reaches the town boundary in his SUV. He sees the freaky rain wall. The tourists are
relieved to see Bowman, who tries driving through the rain, which shreds his vehicle with him inside. The tourists freak.
Gwinlan chuckles. The Lights encircle the tourists, hoping to protect them from Gwinlan who struggles to revert to his spectral
state but still manages to destroy the Lights. The tourists are doomed. Then Andrew returns on horseback, dismounting and
running through the rain boundary. The rain rips him up, but the Light bonding power heals him. He attacks Gwinlan as he
goes after Jeanette. Andrew’s not letting Gwinlan leave Chaurus. Gwinlan’s content to torture Andrew with a flood of
nightmarish memories of his Work Camp 39 rampage in 1913. But Andrew summons his Light power and fights back by
subjecting Gwinlan to a flood of uplifting and positive memories. Gwinlan freaks. How? Andrew shows him the Light in his
chest. Gwinlan lashes out and pummels Andrew, who heals quickly. They battle. Andrew can see Gwinlan’s moves
beforehand, so he gets the upper hand. A fuel tank spills in the mayhem. Andrew has incredible strength and power. Gwinlan
hurtles them both through the time rift and into Work Camp 39, where they battle amid that fateful day when Gwinlan ran wild
amid the prison chaos. Gwinlan drags Andrew into his old cell and beats the shit out of him. Then PRISONER #1, the man
who killed Gwinlan in 1913, attacks him with a shiv. Andrew escapes the cell, his Light losing power. Gwinlan kills Prisoner #1
as GUARDS arrive and Andrew jumps back across the rift into Chaurus. He sees the spilling fuel and tries lighting it with Bill’s
lighter as Gwinlan crosses over, determined to kill him. He doesn’t understand why Andrew has such rage toward him.
Andrew ignites the fuel, which detonates and takes some of Talvert’s General Store with it. Gwinlan’s right pissed, and he’s
determined to peek into Andrew’s mind and discover where the rage comes from. Gwinlan sees Andrew’s memories of April.
Andrew’s too weak to fight him off. Gwinlan shows Andrew April’s last moments alive, including the RAGGEDY MAN killer’s
robbery, rape and murder. Gwinlan laughs at Andrew’s pain. Andrew loses it, summoning all his rage and Light power, and
goes apeshit on Gwinlan while 1000s Lights descend on the town. Andrew beats Gwinlan into submission. Gwinlan
commends Andrew for his balls. Andrew lays off, exhausted. Gwinlan sees his chance to escape Chaurus fade away as the
rain stops and the Lights swarm over the two men and the tourists. One light buzzes the tourists and knocks them all
unconscious. The lights all flare and flash at once, and then the Lights, Andrew, Gwinlan, the Locals and the Operator vanish.
The clouds blow away. At dawn, the tourists wake up, most still drunk and not remembering anything. Chaurus is fully
restored. No sign of damage or mayhem. Jeanette thinks she’s forgetting something or someone. She sees a glint of sun near
the town center, where that once dead tree is alive and well, and there’s no Gwinlan grave. Jeanette finds Andrew’s wallet on
the ground. She stuffs it into a pocket. Later, Andrew returns to his former police station, where the Chief welcomes him back
with open arms. Andrew is a different man, brimming with confidence and inner strength. He muses over April’s photo in his
locker as he dresses for his shift and overhears a radio dispatch announce a hit and run suspect pursuit nearby. The Light
glow brightens in his chest. Outside, he overhears A POLICE OFFICER mention the suspect’s latest location, but then an
IMAGE FLASHE shows Andrew the suspect on a different street. Andrew follows his hunch. Later, that breakfast news show
is back on the air, and the MALE PRESENTER follows up on their Chaurus Lights story from six months earlier, now claiming
their reporter, FALON JANSON, has found a woman who knows the Lights are real. Falon interviews her WITNESS on the
street — it’s Tourist #5, and she’s pregnant, and she’s right pissed the Lights killed her unborn child’s father, who will live on
through the baby, which she plans to name Gwinlan.

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COMMENTS

OVERALL – An ambitious, energetic and ethereally vibrant supernatural

offering with a palpably spooky vibe, vivid horror and paranormal imagery, a
so-so but fixable structure and engaging if sketched-in genre characters, led
by a potentially intriguing protagonist that needs to stop crying and find the
“balls” he’s looking for sooner than later. Writer brings a good multi-genre knack
(horror, western, supernatural, action) and an evocative visual sense. Premise has
chance to book passage beyond setting’s native land, with producer and talent
interest potentially increasing once uneven structure is shored up and characters
(even those doomed to die) get some layering, dimension and dynamism.
Protagonist’s emotional scarring can play a role here, but the hero spirit needs to
manifest from the get-go for maximum audience appeal.

Let’s get right to the details…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CHARACTERS

ANDREW – Yeah, in the end his comes through as the hero and thwarts
GWINLAN, but what we have to sit through character-wise until we get to that
moment is sometimes unbearable and squirm worthy. Frankly, Andrew’s too much
of a pussy to be protagonist material. Yeah, okay, he’s “haunted” by APRIL’s death,
but his cowering and crying and wailing about failing is so unappealing. His
weakness is unsettling. He’s too passive and too much the punching bag (physically
and emotionally). It’s a sizable bump that needs to be dealt with right out of the
gate. Andrew needs to drive the story more and “take charge,” even with the weight
of the past on him, and especially after MARTIN’s death. Instead, he shrinks at
confrontation and conflict. Maybe he’s redrawn more like SHANE or an Eastwood
spaghetti western hero — smoldering, intense, and ready to explode. There’s a bit
of that in here, but pussy ultimately prevails. On p. 31, for example, when “Andrew
hurriedly counts the money in his wallet,” he comes across as too much like a
skittish, naïve dope, especially after having been a street-smart police detective.
Who knows, maybe he only offers JEFF some off his money, which Jeff snatches
out of his hands. Enhance Andrew’s more heroic and proactive traits that simmer
beneath his wounded exterior. SHOW him as being ultimately smarter than Jeff and
the other Locals. No, he doesn’t have to stand with his hands on his hips and make
a Superman pose, but he does need to be strong enough for the audience to hang
their hats on him as the hero for the story’s duration. Lastly, on p. 50, when
“Andrew, though shocked, seems to accept Talvert’s words as truth,” we have to
ask why he’s so quick to believe and accept without pushback. Consider some
knee-jerk scoffing and “this guy’s off his nut” reaction. Would Andrew believe Talvert
without proof? He’s a former detective whose job is evidence-based, no?

Page 5 of 16
THE DROVERS (PETER / DAVID / BILL / MARTIN) – PETER Has the most
layered characterization. His engagement with Andrew on an emotional level is a
nice choice (See DIALOGUE Section for a suggestion about how tweaking
backstory exposition might enhance their dynamic). Next, it’s a bit of a bump that
Peter would try and start the generator on his own, ignoring his own advice about
not mixing it up with the locals. He’s drunk, so maybe we play up the flirting
established between him and ANITA. Maybe Peter makes the chivalrous gesture,
which she eats up and gives him the go-ahead. Then, after JEFF confronts Peter
and accuses him of sabotage, maybe Anita denies she knew anything about the go-
ahead. Bitch. DAVID doesn’t have much impact for a majority of the story (and even
less when he’s drunk off his ass), but his effort to stop the cattle stampede is a solid
choice in that it at least lets the audience feel something when he eventually goes
splat. It’d be nice, though, to maybe add a sprinkling of backstory to dimensionalize
him. Overall, since the drovers are essentially grist for the Gwinlan mill, consider
amping up and adding some dynamism to the rather superficial “type”
characterizations. That said, BILL’s doughy loser thing has potential, so play up his
lack of luck with the ladies even more. This might help layer his response to Anita
when she makes her fuck proposition, where Bill’s apprehensive at first, expecting
the punch line (like he’s been slapped with many times before). Maybe Anita goes
out of her way to convince him that her wanting to fuck him is not a joke, which
breaks down his defenses and pumps up his ego. In the end, though, the cruel joke
is really on Bill, which he may comment about with a punch line of his own as he’s
hacked apart. Like Bill, MARTIN’s a one-note character for what we SEE of him
onscreen. Consider not making him too much of a dick that the audience doesn’t
feel something when he dies. His parents in the Caribbean thing is bit blah, so
maybe there’s a way to put a twist on his perceived sexting and sex line activities.
Yes, he puts up a horndog and “player” face (peeking in showers, etc.), but maybe
it’s a front. Maybe we’re able to HEAR snippets of his conversations while he “rides
along on his horse, talking on his phone.” Whoever’s on the other end of the call
might reveal something about Martin’s character. Maybe the sad twist is that all his
calls have been to a WOMAN he’s in a serious relationship with, perhaps checking
to see how she’s doing with a pregnancy or their sick child (which Andrew and the
rest might hear in a garbled voicemail or a surprising call that makes it through on
Martin’s “broken” phone), which upends audience expectations and unexpectedly
yanks the sympathy out of them.

CHAURUS RESIDENTS (ANITA / JEFF / TALVERT ) – A decent assortment of

foes (and one sort-of ally) for Andrew. JEFF and ANITA work as an antagonist two-
fer for most of the story (proxies for GWINLAN). Jeff’s bullying gets old after while,
so consider mixing up his approach. It’s too bad a tour bus takes him out —
consider letting our hero dispatch the henchmen on his way to vanquishing the
antagonist. The implied sexual thing between Anita and Gwinlan is icky (yet cool!).
Consider ramping that up. If she’s hot for the ghost, SHOW us more of her reaction
after Gwinlan’s sexy time grope and titty squeeze. Also, maybe she climaxes while
she fucks and hacks away at poor Bill. With TALVERT, his pedophile thing is a bit
on the nose. One would expect he wouldn’t keep his “piles of Polaroids of children”

Page 6 of 16
lying about his store back room. Next, it’s not clear how he would know the Lights
have considered Andrew for bonding. Is it just from “watching” him? Maybe ever
since Talvert went through the ritual, some residual juju still exists, so his radar
goes off when he’s close to Andrew. Maybe whenever the Lights send Andrew a
signal, Talvert has a Danny-from-THE SHINING fit and gets an image fragment
pointing to Andrew. Maybe Talvert mentions something he’s seen in one of the
flashes, which Andrew saw too. Talvert needs to convince Andrew (and the
audience) that he’s not loony and full of shit. This may help justify Andrew’s
accepting what he says as truth (which is a bump with his character).

TOURISTS – As long as the speaking TOURISTS (and LOCALS, too) aren’t just
set dressing, consider giving them names instead of numbers. That name can be
what visually identifies him or her (GAP-TOOTHED TOURIST, STOCKY LOCAL,
etc.); at least it injects a bit of humanity into them. That said, apart from JEANETTE,
the tourists seem like drunken sheep. Maybe there’s at least one among them who
calls “Bullshit” on the OPERATOR’s Chaurus shtick. Hell, maybe it’s Jeanette, who
gives Andrew some support on top of some potential tension in his pants.

GWINLAN – A decent baddy and antagonist once-removed for Andrew (via Jeff,
Anita and the other Locals). Not sure how or why he gets his psychic powers or
super strength or capabilities to “destroy the world.” He is just a bad ghost from
1913, right? He was just a murderer and rapist while alive. It’s not like he’s SATAN
in human form, or some eons-old evil inhabiting Gwinlan’s body. If he is, we might
need to establish that detail up front. Maybe there’s more to his initial reincarnation
ritual. Speaking of his powers… It’s unclear how Gwinlan is a) able to even keep up
with Andrew and his Chaurus powers, or b) able to SHOW him April’s last moments
as “he becomes completely physical.” His powers should be kaput, no? Writer might
consider establishing and baking in Gwinlan’s power parameters so it doesn’t feel
like he adjusts them if the story needs him to.

STRUCTURE / STORY

Script follows a compressed yet uneven 3-act structure, with equally compressed
and fluid plot points and beats in need or firmer placement.

ACT ONE – Breakfast news show not particularly compelling as an opening or

Opening Image. Writer might consider a PROLOGUE with the Lights in action while
not revealing them to the audience. This may help bolster the supernatural tone and
overall story mood from the get-go. Maybe it’s an “attack” captured on one of the
INTERVIEWEES’ smartphone, which the show treats like the famous Bigfoot
footage, but maybe with a heavy dose of skepticism (“It’s Photoshopped, isn’t it?”)
while establishing the “legend” so we can fuck with the audience when they do
show up later for real. Maybe one of the DROVERS could reference the bad video
he saw on the breakfast show. Another opening might be to dump us right into the
outback with the Drovers, establishing ANDREW as our protagonist doing what he
does best and experiencing his emotional backstory (BTW, his FLASHBACKS

Page 7 of 16
should adopt a darker tone; maybe we SEE Andrew at the actual crime scene,
rather than at the uninteresting police station, SHOW our hero what he did best —
being a detective). Overall, the known world set up is okay, and the character intros
tell us who’s who and what’s what. Not sure what serves as our Inciting Incident
(knocking down that world we’ve set up and presenting our hero with a choice to
act). Is it getting kicked out of town? That’s a tension boost, for sure. The Lights
encounter is too. Martin’s death seems to fit the bill best, though, but it’s late in the
act (the Inciting Incident lives around p. 12 — at least per Snyder’s Save The Cat
structural paradigm, a CI favorite), which compresses any hero debate into a few
lines and gets them headed back to Chaurus lickety-split to call the police, which
works as an act break and story turn of sorts based on Andrew’s decision. And we
have some real “Storm Clouds on the Horizon,” too.

ACT TWO – So the journey back to the Chaurus world is on. Does our hero have a
clear and compelling goal? Is it just to call the police? Is it about finding balls?
Actually, it’s more about our hero and the drovers finding themselves at the mercy
of the Locals, their Gwinlan allegiance and Gwinlan’s powers. While tensions do
rise between the drovers and the Locals, and the momentum builds with the storm’s
arrival and SHERIFF BOWMAN heading to Chaurus, and stakes raise with
Gwinlan’s arrival and the LOCAL #4’s saw incident, Andrew doesn’t elevate above
passenger in the proceedings. He’s marginalized and minimized when he should be
protagonized. BILL bails him out of taking charge of the JEANETTE/TOURIST #4
situation. Jeff literally steps all over him (again) after the TALVERT
Chaurus/Gwinlan lore backstory dump. Even PETER at first quashes and then
pisses on Andrew’s attempt to warn everyone about Gwinlan’s arrival. He’s not very
audience appealing. And in all this “excitement,” we seem to have blown by a story
turning Mid-Point. Maybe it’s Gwinlan’s arrival. Maybe it’s Andrew’s public
humiliation about his Gwinlan arrival announcement. The biggest turn feels like
Peter’s lynching (a False Collapse, where things from now on can only get better),
but that beat doesn’t arrive until the mid-60s (way beyond Snyder’s p. 55, or even
further beyond where it might fall in this script’s compressed page count). Some
realignment is in order if that beat is the Mid-Point. At least the momentum and
stakes pick up once we (and Andrew) get a glimpse of the opening time rift and
Andrew “takes charge,” as it were, though Gwinlan (with ANITA’s help) moves
another step closer to completing his sacrifice by taking Bill’s head. Andrew’s
subsequent emotional crash and burn is an okay Low-Point, though it’s unclear why
he doesn’t snap out of it sooner and get in Anita’s grill while she’s “freshening him
up.” Does the crying cattle trigger his re-emergence and table turning? Anyway,
Andrew leading the escape is a solid heroic choice, even though it’s not clear why
Gwinlan doesn’t simply wield his remaining powers and thwart it, thus preventing
Andrew from making his ABORIGINAL mountain meet-up and bonding with the
Chaurus. Alas, he gets to bond, which is a solid, compelling, story-turning break at
the Snyder-appropriate page marker despite the fact that it leaves…

ACT THREE – … only 10 pages to wrap everything up. Definitely underweighted.

But our hero does forge onward with the tools (re: STEPHEN CHAURUS and his

Page 8 of 16
powers), lessons learned and knowledge needed to confront his dilemma head-on,
prevail and achieve his goal. Solid, energetic climax. Good battle. Ultimately not
quite sure what the time rift has to do with anything between Andrew and Gwinlan,
though, or why it was even opened in the first place. Is it just so Gwinlan can “show
him where he comes from?” A bit of a bummer that Andrew doesn’t get to fully
vanquish and dispatch Gwinlan (the Chauruss clean up the mess and everything
else). Anyway, Andrew prevails, gets his balls back (there’s no more crying — yay!)
and retains the Chaurus power to do good. But did Andrew succeed? Tourist #5 has
the unborn “Gwinlan.” Maybe we drop some sequel bait on the ending and suggest
Andrew and Tourist #5 are “destined” to meet in the big city, where the battle
between good and evil will continue. Just a thought.

SCENEWORK / PLOT LOGIC

Pretty good scenework, overall, with decent connective tissue and linkage, though
the logic can be sketchy and convenient at times (several examples indicated
below). There are opportunities for bloat trimming to tighten scenes up. Some good
conflict throughout, even if the dust-ups with the Locals can get repetitive (How
many times does Jeff have to beat up on Andrew and make him cry?). Just
remember that the trick to solid scenework is to get in (preferably late, but just in
time for the important bits), expand what we know about the characters and their
objectives, make the scene/story point, and then get out when the getting’s good,
on strong action or DIALOGUE beats, sending the audience headlong into the next
scene (letting the previous scene continue on without us) with maximum propulsion.
Be lean and mean when doing so, too — every scene, and every word within that
scene, must serve the story. That said, here are some scene-specific comments
and suggestions (with more marked-up throughout the script)...

p. 6 - When did Martin and Bill leave the pub table? Given Peter’s “no bullshit” edict,
one would think he’d go out of his way to keep an eye on them and not let them
leave. Their suddenly appearing outside feels jump cutty anyway.

p. 17 - “The Chaurus Light slowly moves through the cattle…” Consider more WTF!
from these guys, rather than just stunned silence and “terror.” “It’s one of them
damn lights.” “Don’t be daft.” “What the hell is it then?” That said, consider
peppering in more skepticism, where they try and rationalize and explain away what
they saw. This might stoke some conflict flames in the group. Maybe MARTIN’s the
most vocal about it being nonsense… and he winds up with a rock in his skull,
which the others mistakenly blame on the Lights knowing to eliminate a potential
problem.

p. 23 - Between the TOUR OPERATOR and the drovers, the overall response to
Martin’s death is mighty blasé and matter of fact. There’s a dead guy here, folks!
BTW, How might the scene’s dynamic change if the TOURISTS hear about Martin’s
death? One might overhear and relay it to the rest, where panic spreads and the
Operator has to deal with it in his own inimitable way.

Page 9 of 16
p. 47 - “Upon seeing Andrew, he cautiously walks up to him and taps him on the
shoulder, trying to avoid being seen.” It would be difficult not be seen approaching
Andrew and Jeanette on the dance floor, especially right after everyone’s just seen
the Bill/TOURIST #4 “kiss.” Logic potholes can tweak the story axle.

- Andrew’s April DREAMS/FLASHBACKS are kind of blah. Fuck ‘em up. Reinforce
the supernatural tone. Maybe take advantage of the Chaurus involvement and
manipulation, where each dream degenerates into a nightmare that includes
Gwinlan. Treat them as the Chauruss planting Andrew’s call to action in his mind —
SHOWING him that evil will destroy everything if he doesn’t do something.

- If the Locals just need four heads to sacrifice for Gwinlan, why wouldn’t they kill
Andrew after he intrudes on their Peter lynching? Two drovers with one rope, no?

p. 69 - ANDREW: I’m taking charge of the group… Rather than use DIALOGUE, let
Andrew’s action speak for him. As the athletic shoe conglomerate says, “Just do it!”

p. 82 - “He sees a large mass of cattle falling down a very high drop.” Nice image!

p. 87 - “The Elder hands Andrew a small clay cup. Inside, a horrid looking purple
and green glop, which he considers for a moment before downing it in one gulp.”
Impulsive, isn’t he? How does Andrew know it isn’t poison? Maybe he insists the
Elder drink first to test it out. “You first…”

p. 91 - “… as the Sheriff’s vehicle is pulled upward and around the wall of rain,
being ripped apart…” Cool visual, if awkwardly worded. BTW, How do Andrew and
David (and their horses) make it through the razor rain with just the clothes and skin
on their backs when Bowman’s steel SUV is ripped to shreds? Andrew doesn’t have
his Chaurus Light powers yet. Another logic pothole.

- How fucked up would it be if the Work Camp 39 PRISONERS escaped from their
cells into Chaurus, perhaps going after the Tourists. Hell, maybe a few try running
out of town, where they’re summarily shredded. Speaking of the time rift… What
happens to it after Andrew and Gwinlan pop back into Chaurus? Is it still there while
they fight? Is it still there after the Lights wash everything away? Feels like a loose
end. Also, if Andrew disappears along with every other hint of trouble at Chaurus,
wouldn’t his wallet disappear too? Feels like some convolution. Perhaps there’s a
subtler and emotionally resonant remainder/reminder JEANETTE can see.

p. 99 – It’s unclear how Andrew returned to the city and his old police station. What
happened after the Chaurus energy wipe? Did the Lights drop Andrew off? Again,
the convolution level is higher than it should be here.

CRAFT:

Page 10 of 16
Writer brings a straightforward if sometimes uneven style, which can make for a
bumpy read. Writer does show a knack for supernatural/paranormal imagery, as
well as for action. That said, Writer might consider breaking up the bigger blocks of
SCENE DESCRIPTION into smaller, more easily digestible (re: readable) chunks to
pick up the energy, the read flow and help open up the whitespace on the more
than a few ink-heavy pages. Thinning out the CHARACTER blocking and gesture
minutiae (standing, turning, looking up, chuckling, smiling, etc.) will help too. Page-
count is in the industry wheelhouse, though might fall into the mid-90s with
editorial/revision suggestions made here, giving Writer room to expand character
and story. Lastly, Writer has an okay grasp of formatting nuts and bolts, yet there
are areas in need of attention and improvement, such as:

- Avoid repeating LOCATION info from SCENE HEADINGS in SCENE

DESCRIPTION. We know where we are, thank you, so move on. No sense
cluttering up the page with more black anyway (p. 2, for example):

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Andrew is sitting at his desk in a bustling police station…

The above example also highlights the noticeable difference between Active Voice
and Passive Voice. Screenwriting is all about action and doing. Characters do
things. Characters scream. Characters bleed. Characters whatever. Passive Voice,
while it does have its place in certain situations, can suck away the writing’s energy,
sometimes leading to awkward sentence structure and a clumsy read. Use Active
Voice and action verbs instead, which save you words and, eventually and over the
course of the script, page count. So, applying both tips might get us something like:

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Andrew sits at his desk amid the COP and PERP bustle…

- Consider using SLUGS (SUBHEADERS) in lieu of SCENE HEADINGS when the

action continues/moves through rooms and areas within an already established
LOCATION (like inside the Pub — examples marked up in script). This helps with
read flow and opens up whitespace. We can also use SLUGS to establish scene
geography and move the “camera” without acknowledging a camera or suggesting
camera moves (“The camera pans to the first man…” “We see…”), which is the
Director’s job. The Writer’s job is to tell the story (p. 17, for example):

20 METRES AHEAD

A SIX-INCH WIDE ORB of non-transparent white light hovers

silently above the ground.

Page 11 of 16
Also notice how we can apply ALL CAPS and underlining to important beats and
cool imagery to help them stand out.

- Be vigilant about typos; be they misspellings (on p. 4, maybe the BOUNDARY

POSTS are made from “very old wooden poles,” instead of “polls.”), punctuation
(commas, commas, everywhere…), awkward grammar or formatting missteps.
There are a lot here (marked up throughout the script). Even if you think you’ve
proofread the hell out of the script, do it again. Then let someone else proofread it.
It’s amazing what fresh eyes can find. Bottom line — put your best page forward.
Let agents and studio readers SEE you’re serious about your craft.

- Turn off “Automatic Character Continueds,” which can clutter up a script with
unnecessary ink, especially a spec, which is all about showcasing the storytelling
and characters. Most screenwriting software packages allow you to deactivate this
setting. The thinking behind this is even if SCENE DESCRIPTION breaks up a
character’s DIALOGUE, we know who’s in the scene and who’s speaking.

- Try to avoid ORPHANS. If a paragraph or sentence has one too many words (the
one hanging off alone on a new line), it’s a good bet we can pull it up by expressing
the thought or conveying the image with fewer words. It’s good creative practice.
Yeah, it’s cosmetic too. And the bonuses are less ink on the page and perhaps
even fewer pages in the long run (p. 1, for example, is one of many marked
throughout the script):

The FEMALE PRESENTER rolls her eyes and looks at the other
guy.

- Announce DREAMS and FLASHBACKS via SCENE HEADINGS (as opposed to

SCENE DESCRIPTION). There are several formatting approaches to choose from
that we can apply to both. Just remember to pick one approach and be consistent
throughout the script (p. 67, for example):

Andrew looses consciousness…

FLASHBACK [or DREAM] - INT. POLICE STATION - CHIEF’S OFFICE - DAY

And always remember to bring us out of said FLASHBACKS with a:

BACK TO PRESENT

Usually, we get out of DREAMS when a CHARACTER wakes up in a subsequent

scene. If it’s unclear, though, we can always SLUG it out with an: END DREAM

PACING

Page 12 of 16
Breakfast news show opening aside (it’s blah, energy-wise), the drover and
Chaurus set up comes at a nice, even keel. The tension picks up a bit once we add
the Chaurus Lights and Gwinlan histories to the mix, even if they’re harmless tales.
The drover eviction starts us on the momentum rise, and the Chaurus encounter
and Martin rock death sets us off and running. The tension builds from there,
bringing the drovers back to Chaurus and into the Gwinlan shit, though the sense of
urgency feels hampered by Andrew’s overall reluctance to engage once that shit
hits. It’s as if his lack of fortitude applies the brakes. The FLASHBACKS can hinder,
too. Unless FLASHBACKS add to the storytelling and keep it moving forward,
they’re in the way. Eventually, Andrew snaps out of it and goes balls out (which
helps the momentum), but getting there is a bit of a drag. Lots of full-steam-ahead
once he and David break out, and the careening toward the final Gwinlan battle is
solid.

DIALOGUE

Some pretty good exchanges throughout. Not as natural sounding and

conversational as it could be, and it often comes across as stiff and on the nose.
Next, be careful with exposition overload. Yes, the Operator’s Chaurus Lights
storytelling serves a purpose, but Peter and Andrew diving into Andrew’s past, or
Talvert’s Gwinlan history, can overwhelm — there’s nothing less interesting for an
audience than watching CHARACTERS talk backstory. With Peter and Andrew, for
example, it kind of feels story-convenient that Peter just now — with the audience
here — asks about Andrew’s past, and he just now offers it up. Maybe we establish
that Peter knows the rough April outline, but Andrew finally feels comfortable filling
in the missing bits. This approach can help establish their relationship and dynamic
too. Next, consider condensing and consolidating lines to tighten up the scenes
(Jeff’s p. 26-27 “community” and “keeping secrets” lines into one potentially creepier
speech), eliminate repetition and redundancy, and trim out the small talk to make
scene and story points quicker (examples are marked up accordingly). Next, be
consistent with Direct Address, which should be set off with commas on both sides
of the address, or at least after (p. 5, for example):

ANITA
Evening, gentlemen. Name’s Kathy-
Lee. Just passing through?

Lastly, avoid PARENTHETICAL overload. And avoid overloading them with

expanded character action better suited to SCENE DESCRIPTION (as opposed to
smaller gestures, or if the action it describes counters what the DIALOGUE
indicates — subtext). PARENTHETICALS are a polarizing screenwriting element,
regardless. While there’s no hard or fast rule, we at CI suggest taking a more
cautious and sparing approach.

MARKETABILITY

Page 13 of 16
Story’s supernatural bent and cool visuals may not be studio tentpole material, but
relatively contained story presents opportunity for producers (mini-major and indie)
looking for genre material to feed various pipelines (domestic and international
theatrical, genre cablers like SyFy and Chiller in the U.S., Direct-to-Video and
Netflix). Australia-centric story poses little if any obstacles to reaching beyond
continent’s “boundary poles,” as presentation isn’t too steeped in “Aussie”
idiosyncrasies. Characters bring potential opportunities for established and up in
coming genre talent, though not-as-strong-and-compelling-as-he-could-be
protagonist needs a boost and revamp to attract genre A-lister (or even mainstream
B-Lister) and thus draw audience demo in.

TITLE

Pretty good, though it might be a bit stiff and journalistic (like we’d find in a
Discovery Channel program or even a magazine article). Definitely brings a
paranormal or supernatural flavor (a la Loch Ness or Bigfoot or any UFO-based
conceit), which helps suggest genre, but maybe the poster pop isn’t quite there yet.
While we do get a solid handling of the Lights as a story element, how might we
also address the Gwinlan thread (which is mighty substantial, story-wise) and
Andrew’s personal journey and bonding with the lights too? As it stands, the title
can work, but Writer might consider brainstorming for more of a grabber.

CONCLUSION:

A solid genre piece start here, with engaging chills, thrills and vivid
supernatural/paranormal imagery. Writer shows a knack, for sure. Structurally,
script is a work in progress. Totally fixable, though, especially after locking in beats
and plot points. Protagonist needs those hero’s “balls” sooner than later, as
audience may tire of the anguish and stray. Nothing earth shattering with respect to
the genre, but spooky premise and relatively contained setting with an outbackdrop
may bring interest from smaller budget producers and genre talent. Keep up the
good work, keep on writing, and thanks for submitting to Coverage Ink.

Page 14 of 16
 

YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

X
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

X X
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

X
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the tone for the rest of the
X
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X X

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

X
and ability?

Page 15 of 16
Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of
X
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X X
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Page 16 of 16
 COVERAGE, INK. PRO ANALYSIS

TITLE: (title)
LOCALE: Australian Outback
WRITER(S):
PERIOD: Present
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Paranormal Thriller
BUDGET: Moderate
PAGES: 101
DRAFT DATE: Unknown
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY: JT

LOGLINE:

An emotionally scarred former police detective, now a cattle drover crewman,

becomes an agent for good in a battle between supernatural forces and
reincarnated evil in a remote Australian outback town.

SYNOPSIS
An Aussie morning news show’s FEMALE PRESENTER interviews TWO less-than-credible EYEWITNESSES about the
Chaurus Lights, a supposedly supernatural phenomenon in the outback. In the outback, a cattle drover crews camp for the
night with their herd. Drover ANDREW MCKINNLEY (25), a former police detective, wakes from a nightmare about his dread
after hearing a RADIO call about an attack on a woman. The drovers hit the trail in the morning. Lead drover PETER (60, old
world cowboy type) tells Andrew about a small settlement of odd people up ahead. Good food and drink, though. Younger
drovers BILL (19, chubby) and MARTIN (21, designer clothes, constantly on his cell phone) bring up the rear. Martin ribs Bill
for mistaking a man’s good-looking ass for a woman’s. DAVID (32, modern cowboy type) tells them to stop fucking around
and mind the strays. The drovers reach the rundown town of Chaurus at dusk. Four wooden boundary posts mark the town’s
limits. Martin’s cell connection cuts out as they pass the posts to pen the cattle. Peter tells Martin and Bill to be on their best
behavior as they enter the town pub/hotel. Bartender ANITA (30s, fairly attractive) serves food and drink. Martin leads a
reluctant Bill away hoping to sneak a peek into the ladies’ showers via the roof. A tour bus arrives with TOUR OPERATOR
and 20 TOURISTS. They invade the pub and settle in. Local JEFF LARSON and the OPERATOR discuss the high volume
tour business because of the Chaurus Lights’ legend. Martin and Bill ogle at showering LADY TOURISTS. Bill tells Martin not
to tap him because he might fall. Martin didn’t touch him. The ladies see them. In the pub, Peter, David and Andrew eat while
Jeff tells rapt tourists about the Chaurus Lights that stalk and haunt outback travelers. The Operator warns the tourists of
cannibal Aboriginals whom he and Jeff claim created the Lights to attract fresh meat. Outside, Martin and Bill visit “Gwinlan
Jones’” lone grave and decrepit headstone under a leafless tree in the center of town. Martin considers breaking the
headstone with a rock, but a LOCAL scares them off. The Local cleans up the grave. At the pub, the Operator tells the tourists
about the whining the Lights emit before they attack. Local TALVERT COOMBS interrupts, spinning the story of Gwinlan
Jones, who died 100 years ago tomorrow and whose ghost roams the pub halls every night at 11:52pm, tapping people on the
shoulder or blowing on their necks. Martin and Bill return in time for the drovers to leave for their camp. Talvert’s tale
continues — Chaurus used to be prison Work Camp 39, where Gwinlan served for rape and murder, and tomorrow’s the 100-
year anniversary of his escape and rampage that killed everyone in the camp, after which he performed a ritual to bring him
back to life in 100 years. Anita and Jeff shoo Talvert away, but not before Talvert and Andrew make eye contact. Jeff gets in
Andrew’s face a bit before Andrew leaves. The drovers camp inside the town boundary. Peter presses Andrew about his

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being distracted. Peter’s still curious why Andrew still hasn’t told him why he left the city to work the range two years ago.
Andrew reveals he was a detective whose wife had been raped and murdered, and that he left the force knowing he’d have
killed the culprit if found. He rode west and took a job at a cattle station. He doubts he’ll ever go back because he’s not that
same man. Morning brings good weather. Anita tells them they’re no longer welcome in town because somebody saw Martin
and Bill damaging Gwinlan’s headstone. Peter’s pissed, and Anita won’t take an apology — leave! Andrew has an uneasy
feeling about the mountains to the east. The drovers hit the plains. In Chaurus, the Operator gives Jeff an envelope of cash.
The loaded tour bus leaves town in the drovers’ direction. The drovers encounter the Chaurus Lights (six-inch hovering orbs
of opaque white light), which scope them out. Andrew falls into a trance as the Lights pass. He FLASHES BACK to the
moment he proposed to his wife, APRIL, under a starry night sky. In the present, Andrew’s overcome with emotion. The Lights
emit a high-pitched hum and speed away. WTF! The drovers move on. In Chaurus, the pub clock chimes 11:52pm. Anita’s
happy yet concerned. At Gwinlan’s grave, Jeff watches that rock Martin considered using shake, spin and fly away. On the
plains, Peter tells Martin and Bill to act more responsible while visiting small towns. Martin whatevers, talking on his phone.
Then that flying rock embeds into his skull, killing him. Andrew surmises neither a local, nor a human for that matter, could’ve
done it because of the impact. David thinks it’s the Chaurus Lights. Peter concurs. Andrew doesn’t buy it, but they need to
contact the police. Too bad Martin’s phone is broken. They must return to Chaurus. They wrap up Martin’s body. Only Andrew
notices a Chaurus Light moving away in the distance. Meanwhile, the Lights buzz the tour bus; the Operator panic turns into a
pothole and pops a tire. The drovers encounter the crippled bus. They compare notes on their Lights encounters, including
Martin’s death. The drovers offer to help fix the tire. Andrew notices a FEMALE TOURIST smiling at him. The Operator lets
the drovers put Martin’s body with the luggage. Andrew tells the Operator it’s irresponsible to only have an emergency tire as
a spare. The Operator rips Andrew for telling him how to run his business. Andrew stops short of pushing back; Operator rips
him for being a “piss weak whiner.” The Operator puts on a congenial face for Peter, who also comments on the tire. Andrew
bristles. Tire replaced, drovers and bus head for Chaurus, where Jeff approaches Talvert at his general store to remind him
that the community suffers when his Gwinlan story scares off tourists and that community secrets need to be kept because
something wonderful starts tomorrow. Talvert cowers and apologizes — it won’t happen again. Talvert’s concerned about dark
clouds approaching in the distance, and Gwinlan’s grave. The drovers and bus plod along. Peter prods Andrew about his
distraction. It’s about Andrew lacking self-confidence and running away after April’s death. He doesn’t think he’s a man
anymore. Peter likens it to the response he received after returning from an unpopular war. He thinks men never lose their
self-confidence; they just misplace their balls. Andrew will find his soon. They reach Chaurus, where Anita and Jeff welcome
the tourists back with open arms. The drovers, not so much. Jeff could care less that Martin’s dead or that they need to call
the police — Martin fucked with Gwinlan’s grave. Andrew pays Jeff $1000AU for phone access. Peter sweet talks Anita into
letting the drovers stay at the pub until the storm blows over… but only after they relinquish their guns. Anita allows Andrew to
stow Martin’s body in the pub’s meat locker, where Jeff peeks at the rock damage. The tourists opt to get drunk while waiting
out the storm. Andrew calls the police from the pub phone, but the connection is distorted and suspect. It’s the only phone in
town. Bill notices that his iPod’s internal clock keeps resetting to November 12, 1913. David just wants to drink. The storm hits
Chaurus with torrential rain. While the tourists party, the drovers lament Martin’s death. Andrew overhears a drunk LOCAL
oblige a curious TOURIST with the Gwinlan Jones story again. Andrew watches Anita interrupt and tell the Local to cut wood
for the kitchen ovens. The local braves rain and mud to the town workshop, where he cuts lumber. Strange footprints appear
at Gwinlan’s grave and make a trail to the workshop, where the Local notices a pair of Chaurus Lights hovering outside. The
footprints appear in the sawdust, and an unseen force pushes the Local into the saw, severing his arm. Everyone follows the
screams to the workshop. The Local blames the lights, which still hover. Andrew notices the footprints leading back to
Gwinlan’s grave — and the prints aren’t from human feet or boots. Anita and Jeff rail against the tourists snapping photos.
Talvert watches from afar. Andrew and Jeff argue about who or what left the prints, to the point where Jeff threatens
Andrew… and Peter for butting in. Andrew keeps pressing, and Jeff lays hands on him. Anita breaks it up. The group brings
the Local to the pub. Andrew’s embarrassed about being manhandled. Talvert watches him from afar. Meanwhile, the
DISPATCHER at the county police station plays SHERIFF JOHN BOWMAN Andrew’s garbled message. They can only hear
“Chaurus” and “murder.” Another OFFICER dismisses it as a prank, but Bowman decides to check it out, since he lives
nearby. At the pub, Jeff cauterizes the Local’s stump. The drovers play poker. The rain pours beyond the town’s boundaries.
In town, there’s no rain, and a black void’s opened up in the clouds above Gwinlan’s grave. Andrew’s unsettled by Jeff and
drunk TOURIST #4 mocking him. He and the drovers discuss Martin more, until Tourist #4 interrupts to mock Andrew’s cop
past and efforts to solve Martin’s death. Andrew swallows his anger. Bill pipes up, which makes Jeff laugh. Peter tells them to
ignore Jeff. Outside, a bolt of lightning strikes Gwinlan’s grave. Talvert sees it, having heard a noise in his store that woke him
up. He sleeps in a back room, where he keeps Polaroids of young kids. He’s spooked, seeing that it’s “9:35” on a clock.
Bowman drives toward Chaurus, hoping it’s not a prank and seeing the massive storm cloud system over the area.
JEANETTE, the tourist who smiled at Andrew from the bus, asks him to dance. He reluctantly agrees. Way drunk Bill and
David dance together. Jeanette and Andrew chat, discussing his widower status until drunken Tourist #4 tries cutting in,
insulting Jeanette and ripping Andrew for being more pussy than tough outback cowboy. Andrew gets pissed, but Bill
surprises Tourist #4 with a kiss, which freaks him out. Bill and David resume dancing. Andrew and Jeanette too. Talvert
approaches Andrew because he needs to talk. Andrew obliges, thanking Jeanette for the dance. Outside, Talvert tells Andrew
that the Lights didn’t kill Martin — it was something else. Talvert thinks Andrew an honorable man who believes in justice,
which is why he claims the Lights have chosen Andrew to destroy Gwinlan Jones, who is real. Uh, right. Talvert mentions
how the Lights have shown Andrew memories to evaluate him for bonding with one of them to defeat Gwinlan. He fills in
details about Gwinlan’s story: that he can’t leave the Chaurus boundaries until he’s reincarnated into physical form. The only
way to stop him is to undergo an ancient Aboriginal ritual and bond with one of the Lights. Talvert was tasked to thwart
Gwinlan’s reincarnation attempt 50 years ago; he went through the bonding ritual, but only managed to delay Gwinlan’s efforts
after the lights bailed on him after learning something about him they didn’t like (Polaroids, anyone?). Talvert barely survived,
but at least Gwinlan remained in Chaurus, though his spirit’s tainted the locals and made them unknowing servants. Talvert
moves away after the ritual. He moved back a few months ago in anticipation of the 100-year event — tonight. He’s sure the
Lights have chosen Andrew. It’s Andrew’s choice: he could just make it through the night and leave the next morning. Talvert
lays out the Gwinlan power build timeline, which started when Martin was killed. Gwinlan will attempt to take human form at
11:52pm. Talvert tells Andrew he must visit the Aboriginal in the mountains to undergo the ritual. Gwinlan’s evil can’t be

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allowed to leave. Then Jeff interrupts, scaring Talvert back to his store. Jeff manhandles Andrew again, who opts to return to
the pub instead of fight back. At his store, Gwinlan surprises Talvert in spirit form and rips him for telling “outsiders” about him.
He rips out Talvert’s tongue and kills him. Andrew returns to the pub and mentions the Gwinlan story and impending event. He
thinks Talvert is right. Peter tells him to stop fucking around with the locals. Andrew withdraws. Gwinlan appears to Anita in
the pub kitchen, partially reconstituted. He cops a feel, which she seems to like. Gwinlan’s pissed about her letting Talvert tell
Andrew about him. He tells her that he’s killed Talvert and that he needs four sacrifices in total to fully manifest in physical
form. He tells her to take care of the drovers; he thinks one of them’s a troublemaker. At 10:05pm, Andrew announces the
Gwinlan event to the entire pub, blaming Gwinlan for Martin’s death and the saw injury. No one cares. Jeff glares, though. The
Operator suggests Peter ditch troublemaker Andrew at the next town. Drunk, Peter rips Andrew for piping up. Anita interjects
and tells Andrew that Talvert’s known for his “stories,” which he’s used to distract from his alleged child molester past. A
visiting reporter overheard one of Talvert’s stories of Aboriginal cannibalism, which brought the town bad racial publicity.
Andrew’s crushed that his hunch is wrong. Bowman gets closer to Chaurus. An hour out, a Light buzzes his SUV. More follow.
At the pub, a depressed Andrew DREAMS/FLASHES BACK to happier times with April. In the present, the other drunken
drovers make fun of Andrew “kissing” his beer mug while he sleeps. Then the pub power goes out. Anita doesn’t know how to
start the generator. Peter visits the genie on his own, heading out back and sparking it up. Jeff’s out back, closing up the meat
locker. He accuses Peter of trying to sabotage the generator. He cold cocks Peter with his rifle butt. Andrew notices Peter’s
extended absence. David thinks Peter’s hooking up with Anita. Andrew sees a MIND FLASH of Anita, Jeff and the locals
chanting around Peter at a tree. He notices that Anita et al are gone. He goes outside, noticing the rain is horizontal beyond
the town boundaries. He follows murmuring to that workshop, where he sees Anita, Jeff and the locals about to lynch Peter
from a tree out back. Jeff tells the group about Peter’s “sabotage.” He shoots Peter’s arm and leg for talking back. Anita
considers Peter the troublemaker Gwinlan mentioned. Jeff thought it was Andrew, who’s petrified watching the proceedings.
He tries interceding, telling the mob that he and the drovers will leave town if it’ll stop the torture. Jeff makes Andrew beg on
his knees, allowing him to leave… but they still have to kill Peter. Andrew attacks Jeff, who pummels him before stringing up
Peter, who tells Andrew he’ll find his balls before the night is over. Andrew apologizes to Peter and watches him die. Andrew
passes out hearing Jeff mention something about not needing to buy legs of ham for a while. Andrew FLASHES BACK to the
day he submitted his police force resignation. The POLICE CHIEF claims Andrew will never forgive himself and that he’ll lose
his self-respect. He’s always known Andrew as tough. He hopes he’ll reconsider, but Andrew walks out. In the present,
Andrew wakes up at the tree. No Peter. He staggers back to pub, bloody. Anita acts as if nothing’s happened. Andrew tells
drunken David about Peter’s lynching. Wha…? He tells him that Talvert told him Gwinlan needs a head for each of the four
boundary posts, which will allow him to leave Chaurus. He claims Gwinlan’s chosen the drovers as his sacrifice. Andrew takes
charge of the group, determined to get them out of town even in the storm. They’ll have to leave the bodies behind. Andrew
tasks David with prepping the horses to leave while he scoops up Bill. But LOCAL #5 stops David, claiming it wouldn’t be right
for them to let the drovers leave in the bad weather. Andrew notices a time rift to Chaurus’s Work Camp 39 past open up
outside near Gwinlan’s grave. He sees a small office with a SECRETARY. In the pub, the clock says 11:01pm. Andrew
agrees with Local #5 — they’ll stick around. Andrew considers running away, but he sees a dozen Lights hovering outside the
boundary communicating with each other through their humming. Andrew confronts Anita about their complicity with Gwinlan.
She claims Gwinlan had harassed the town for years, but then promised to not kill them if they helped him manifest. He also
promised to protect them from the Lights. Anita is obvious under Gwinlan’s spell, convinced he won’t kill them, but thinking
it’d be a glorious way to die if he did. David suggests enlisting the tourists to help overrun the locals. Andrew thinks they’re too
drunk, which makes them dangerous. Gwinlan approaches Anita and tells her to kill Bill next to complete the sacrifice. Anita
brazenly approaches Bill and says she wants to fuck him right now. Bill’s game. An unseen force keeps Andrew from
interceding. David sees pressure marks on Andrew. WTF! Anita leads Bill to a back room, where they’re quickly naked and in
bed. Andrew regrets not being able to help Bill. He’s determined to stop cowering and do something about it. Anita and Bill go
at it… until she butchers him with a knife. Gwinlan’s there, manifesting and absorbing Bill’s life force. Gwinlan tosses Anita
aside after she claims she did it all for him. Andrew tells David to create a diversion so he can check on Bill. David pisses out
the window. Pisses on Local #3 who tries to make him stop. Nobody sees that the time rift is bigger outside, and it includes an
office building and PRISON GUARDS milling about the street. Andrew makes his way to the back room, where he finds Bill’s
headless body. Andrew freaks and wails at the failure he’s become. He takes Bill’s lighter as a memento for his parents.
Gwinlan hasn’t manifested enough to pass through the boundaries. The Lights keep a watchful eye on him. At first frustrated,
Gwinlan thinks the cattle holding pen’s overlap beyond the boundary may be of use to him. Andrew is a wreck about Bill. Anita
helps him clean up and tells him the sacrifice was necessary for Gwinlan’s return. Andrew and David will be able to leave in
the morning if they don’t cause any more trouble. Anita would like Andrew and David to witness Gwinlan’s return. In the pen,
Gwinlan continues to manifest, thus losing his powers. The Lights sense his weakness and attack, but Gwinlan reverts to
ghostly form and psychically destroys all but two of the Lights, which flee. Jeff helps Anita tend to a shell-shocked Andrew.
Gwinlan approaches the holding pen and the cattle. Anita makes Andrew coffee. They hear the cattle crying out and acting up
in the pen. It turns out Andrew was playing shell-shocked — he scalds Anita with coffee and knocks Jeff out with a chair,
taking Jeff’s rifle and reclaiming Peter’s pistol, and telling a confused David they need to rescue the cattle before they
stampede off the plateau. Outside, they mount their horses and notice that the time rift is expanded, revealing Work Camp 39
and the old prison. Andrew and David shoot their way out of town, braving the boundary rain, which rips at their flesh as they
make it through. Gwinlan returns to the pub for Plan B. Andrew and David pursue the cattle. David reaches the ridge, shooting
the lead cattle in hopes of stopping the rest. No luck — the cattle jump over the dead and carry David and his horse over the
edge. The Lights zip over the edge and try to catch David. No luck — they lose hold, and David falls to his death. Andrew
freaks. The Lights return to him and show him an IMAGE FLASH of ABORIGINALS and a beautiful cave. Then Lights
disappear. Andrew looks toward the mountains with determination. Almost reincarnated Gwinlan rapes Tourist #5 in her pub
room. Andrew rides his horse to the mountains. Anita and Jeff blame one another for Andrew’s escape. Tourist #5 emerges
from her room holding her stomach; she exits the pub. Her beau, Tourist #4, follows her outside and watches her pass
through a special opening in the boundary, leaving town. Tourist #4 sees that Work Camp 39 is completely visible through the
time rift. He freaks, as do Anita and the rest of the locals and tourists who now see it. Gwinlan basks in his glory, ripping apart
a tourist and ordering the rest back inside the pub. Andrew reaches the mountain, where ABORIGINALS attack, drug and
bring him to their camp. Andrew explains he wants to bond with a Light, which the ABORIGINAL ELDER explains is not for

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the corrupt white man; it didn’t work the last time they tried. Andrew professes his belief in honor and justice and how he
wants to destroy Gwinlan. The Elder thinks the white man unfit for bonding. He tells Andrew to leave and be grateful they
didn’t eat him. Andrew snatches a spear and threatens the Elder — he’s not leaving. The Elder relents, giving Andrew a
purple and green substance to drink, which paralyzes him. Tribesman drag Andrew into Apalie Alkira, a granite cavern, and
toss him into a shallow pool of water. Andrew watches Lights emerge from fires surrounding the pool. Another Light
approaches and speaks to Andrew telepathically. Its name is STEPHEN, and he was killed thousands of years earlier. He’s
searched the earth for someone like Andrew who shares his belief in honor and justice. Stephen will bond with Andrew, and
their destinies will forever be entwined. Andrew agrees to it, and Stephen enters his chest. Andrew is privy to Stephen’s
history through an intense vision. He emerges with the Light glow inside his heart and visible through his chest. Bonding
complete, the Elder sends Andrew off to find the justice he seeks. Andrew is more determined than ever. In Chaurus, Gwinlan
vows to kill everyone. The panicked tourists in the pub want to bolt, but the Operator suggests they wait until the event is over.
Then their tour bus crashes through the roof and crushes Jeff under a beam. The bolt for outside, despite Anita’s attempt to
make them stay so Gwinlan can take their life force. Jeanette maces Anita. The tourists find Gwinlan waiting for them. Lights
hover around Gwinlan. Sheriff Bowman reaches the town boundary in his SUV. He sees the freaky rain wall. The tourists are
relieved to see Bowman, who tries driving through the rain, which shreds his vehicle with him inside. The tourists freak.
Gwinlan chuckles. The Lights encircle the tourists, hoping to protect them from Gwinlan who struggles to revert to his spectral
state but still manages to destroy the Lights. The tourists are doomed. Then Andrew returns on horseback, dismounting and
running through the rain boundary. The rain rips him up, but the Light bonding power heals him. He attacks Gwinlan as he
goes after Jeanette. Andrew’s not letting Gwinlan leave Chaurus. Gwinlan’s content to torture Andrew with a flood of
nightmarish memories of his Work Camp 39 rampage in 1913. But Andrew summons his Light power and fights back by
subjecting Gwinlan to a flood of uplifting and positive memories. Gwinlan freaks. How? Andrew shows him the Light in his
chest. Gwinlan lashes out and pummels Andrew, who heals quickly. They battle. Andrew can see Gwinlan’s moves
beforehand, so he gets the upper hand. A fuel tank spills in the mayhem. Andrew has incredible strength and power. Gwinlan
hurtles them both through the time rift and into Work Camp 39, where they battle amid that fateful day when Gwinlan ran wild
amid the prison chaos. Gwinlan drags Andrew into his old cell and beats the shit out of him. Then PRISONER #1, the man
who killed Gwinlan in 1913, attacks him with a shiv. Andrew escapes the cell, his Light losing power. Gwinlan kills Prisoner #1
as GUARDS arrive and Andrew jumps back across the rift into Chaurus. He sees the spilling fuel and tries lighting it with Bill’s
lighter as Gwinlan crosses over, determined to kill him. He doesn’t understand why Andrew has such rage toward him.
Andrew ignites the fuel, which detonates and takes some of Talvert’s General Store with it. Gwinlan’s right pissed, and he’s
determined to peek into Andrew’s mind and discover where the rage comes from. Gwinlan sees Andrew’s memories of April.
Andrew’s too weak to fight him off. Gwinlan shows Andrew April’s last moments alive, including the RAGGEDY MAN killer’s
robbery, rape and murder. Gwinlan laughs at Andrew’s pain. Andrew loses it, summoning all his rage and Light power, and
goes apeshit on Gwinlan while 1000s Lights descend on the town. Andrew beats Gwinlan into submission. Gwinlan
commends Andrew for his balls. Andrew lays off, exhausted. Gwinlan sees his chance to escape Chaurus fade away as the
rain stops and the Lights swarm over the two men and the tourists. One light buzzes the tourists and knocks them all
unconscious. The lights all flare and flash at once, and then the Lights, Andrew, Gwinlan, the Locals and the Operator vanish.
The clouds blow away. At dawn, the tourists wake up, most still drunk and not remembering anything. Chaurus is fully
restored. No sign of damage or mayhem. Jeanette thinks she’s forgetting something or someone. She sees a glint of sun near
the town center, where that once dead tree is alive and well, and there’s no Gwinlan grave. Jeanette finds Andrew’s wallet on
the ground. She stuffs it into a pocket. Later, Andrew returns to his former police station, where the Chief welcomes him back
with open arms. Andrew is a different man, brimming with confidence and inner strength. He muses over April’s photo in his
locker as he dresses for his shift and overhears a radio dispatch announce a hit and run suspect pursuit nearby. The Light
glow brightens in his chest. Outside, he overhears A POLICE OFFICER mention the suspect’s latest location, but then an
IMAGE FLASHE shows Andrew the suspect on a different street. Andrew follows his hunch. Later, that breakfast news show
is back on the air, and the MALE PRESENTER follows up on their Chaurus Lights story from six months earlier, now claiming
their reporter, FALON JANSON, has found a woman who knows the Lights are real. Falon interviews her WITNESS on the
street — it’s Tourist #5, and she’s pregnant, and she’s right pissed the Lights killed her unborn child’s father, who will live on
through the baby, which she plans to name Gwinlan.

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COMMENTS

OVERALL – An ambitious, energetic and ethereally vibrant supernatural

offering with a palpably spooky vibe, vivid horror and paranormal imagery, a
so-so but fixable structure and engaging if sketched-in genre characters, led
by a potentially intriguing protagonist that needs to stop crying and find the
“balls” he’s looking for sooner than later. Writer brings a good multi-genre knack
(horror, western, supernatural, action) and an evocative visual sense. Premise has
chance to book passage beyond setting’s native land, with producer and talent
interest potentially increasing once uneven structure is shored up and characters
(even those doomed to die) get some layering, dimension and dynamism.
Protagonist’s emotional scarring can play a role here, but the hero spirit needs to
manifest from the get-go for maximum audience appeal.

Let’s get right to the details…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CHARACTERS

ANDREW – Yeah, in the end his comes through as the hero and thwarts
GWINLAN, but what we have to sit through character-wise until we get to that
moment is sometimes unbearable and squirm worthy. Frankly, Andrew’s too much
of a pussy to be protagonist material. Yeah, okay, he’s “haunted” by APRIL’s death,
but his cowering and crying and wailing about failing is so unappealing. His
weakness is unsettling. He’s too passive and too much the punching bag (physically
and emotionally). It’s a sizable bump that needs to be dealt with right out of the
gate. Andrew needs to drive the story more and “take charge,” even with the weight
of the past on him, and especially after MARTIN’s death. Instead, he shrinks at
confrontation and conflict. Maybe he’s redrawn more like SHANE or an Eastwood
spaghetti western hero — smoldering, intense, and ready to explode. There’s a bit
of that in here, but pussy ultimately prevails. On p. 31, for example, when “Andrew
hurriedly counts the money in his wallet,” he comes across as too much like a
skittish, naïve dope, especially after having been a street-smart police detective.
Who knows, maybe he only offers JEFF some off his money, which Jeff snatches
out of his hands. Enhance Andrew’s more heroic and proactive traits that simmer
beneath his wounded exterior. SHOW him as being ultimately smarter than Jeff and
the other Locals. No, he doesn’t have to stand with his hands on his hips and make
a Superman pose, but he does need to be strong enough for the audience to hang
their hats on him as the hero for the story’s duration. Lastly, on p. 50, when
“Andrew, though shocked, seems to accept Talvert’s words as truth,” we have to
ask why he’s so quick to believe and accept without pushback. Consider some
knee-jerk scoffing and “this guy’s off his nut” reaction. Would Andrew believe Talvert
without proof? He’s a former detective whose job is evidence-based, no?

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THE DROVERS (PETER / DAVID / BILL / MARTIN) – PETER Has the most
layered characterization. His engagement with Andrew on an emotional level is a
nice choice (See DIALOGUE Section for a suggestion about how tweaking
backstory exposition might enhance their dynamic). Next, it’s a bit of a bump that
Peter would try and start the generator on his own, ignoring his own advice about
not mixing it up with the locals. He’s drunk, so maybe we play up the flirting
established between him and ANITA. Maybe Peter makes the chivalrous gesture,
which she eats up and gives him the go-ahead. Then, after JEFF confronts Peter
and accuses him of sabotage, maybe Anita denies she knew anything about the go-
ahead. Bitch. DAVID doesn’t have much impact for a majority of the story (and even
less when he’s drunk off his ass), but his effort to stop the cattle stampede is a solid
choice in that it at least lets the audience feel something when he eventually goes
splat. It’d be nice, though, to maybe add a sprinkling of backstory to dimensionalize
him. Overall, since the drovers are essentially grist for the Gwinlan mill, consider
amping up and adding some dynamism to the rather superficial “type”
characterizations. That said, BILL’s doughy loser thing has potential, so play up his
lack of luck with the ladies even more. This might help layer his response to Anita
when she makes her fuck proposition, where Bill’s apprehensive at first, expecting
the punch line (like he’s been slapped with many times before). Maybe Anita goes
out of her way to convince him that her wanting to fuck him is not a joke, which
breaks down his defenses and pumps up his ego. In the end, though, the cruel joke
is really on Bill, which he may comment about with a punch line of his own as he’s
hacked apart. Like Bill, MARTIN’s a one-note character for what we SEE of him
onscreen. Consider not making him too much of a dick that the audience doesn’t
feel something when he dies. His parents in the Caribbean thing is bit blah, so
maybe there’s a way to put a twist on his perceived sexting and sex line activities.
Yes, he puts up a horndog and “player” face (peeking in showers, etc.), but maybe
it’s a front. Maybe we’re able to HEAR snippets of his conversations while he “rides
along on his horse, talking on his phone.” Whoever’s on the other end of the call
might reveal something about Martin’s character. Maybe the sad twist is that all his
calls have been to a WOMAN he’s in a serious relationship with, perhaps checking
to see how she’s doing with a pregnancy or their sick child (which Andrew and the
rest might hear in a garbled voicemail or a surprising call that makes it through on
Martin’s “broken” phone), which upends audience expectations and unexpectedly
yanks the sympathy out of them.

CHAURUS RESIDENTS (ANITA / JEFF / TALVERT ) – A decent assortment of

foes (and one sort-of ally) for Andrew. JEFF and ANITA work as an antagonist two-
fer for most of the story (proxies for GWINLAN). Jeff’s bullying gets old after while,
so consider mixing up his approach. It’s too bad a tour bus takes him out —
consider letting our hero dispatch the henchmen on his way to vanquishing the
antagonist. The implied sexual thing between Anita and Gwinlan is icky (yet cool!).
Consider ramping that up. If she’s hot for the ghost, SHOW us more of her reaction
after Gwinlan’s sexy time grope and titty squeeze. Also, maybe she climaxes while
she fucks and hacks away at poor Bill. With TALVERT, his pedophile thing is a bit
on the nose. One would expect he wouldn’t keep his “piles of Polaroids of children”

Page 6 of 16
lying about his store back room. Next, it’s not clear how he would know the Lights
have considered Andrew for bonding. Is it just from “watching” him? Maybe ever
since Talvert went through the ritual, some residual juju still exists, so his radar
goes off when he’s close to Andrew. Maybe whenever the Lights send Andrew a
signal, Talvert has a Danny-from-THE SHINING fit and gets an image fragment
pointing to Andrew. Maybe Talvert mentions something he’s seen in one of the
flashes, which Andrew saw too. Talvert needs to convince Andrew (and the
audience) that he’s not loony and full of shit. This may help justify Andrew’s
accepting what he says as truth (which is a bump with his character).

TOURISTS – As long as the speaking TOURISTS (and LOCALS, too) aren’t just
set dressing, consider giving them names instead of numbers. That name can be
what visually identifies him or her (GAP-TOOTHED TOURIST, STOCKY LOCAL,
etc.); at least it injects a bit of humanity into them. That said, apart from JEANETTE,
the tourists seem like drunken sheep. Maybe there’s at least one among them who
calls “Bullshit” on the OPERATOR’s Chaurus shtick. Hell, maybe it’s Jeanette, who
gives Andrew some support on top of some potential tension in his pants.

GWINLAN – A decent baddy and antagonist once-removed for Andrew (via Jeff,
Anita and the other Locals). Not sure how or why he gets his psychic powers or
super strength or capabilities to “destroy the world.” He is just a bad ghost from
1913, right? He was just a murderer and rapist while alive. It’s not like he’s SATAN
in human form, or some eons-old evil inhabiting Gwinlan’s body. If he is, we might
need to establish that detail up front. Maybe there’s more to his initial reincarnation
ritual. Speaking of his powers… It’s unclear how Gwinlan is a) able to even keep up
with Andrew and his Chaurus powers, or b) able to SHOW him April’s last moments
as “he becomes completely physical.” His powers should be kaput, no? Writer might
consider establishing and baking in Gwinlan’s power parameters so it doesn’t feel
like he adjusts them if the story needs him to.

STRUCTURE / STORY

Script follows a compressed yet uneven 3-act structure, with equally compressed
and fluid plot points and beats in need or firmer placement.

ACT ONE – Breakfast news show not particularly compelling as an opening or

Opening Image. Writer might consider a PROLOGUE with the Lights in action while
not revealing them to the audience. This may help bolster the supernatural tone and
overall story mood from the get-go. Maybe it’s an “attack” captured on one of the
INTERVIEWEES’ smartphone, which the show treats like the famous Bigfoot
footage, but maybe with a heavy dose of skepticism (“It’s Photoshopped, isn’t it?”)
while establishing the “legend” so we can fuck with the audience when they do
show up later for real. Maybe one of the DROVERS could reference the bad video
he saw on the breakfast show. Another opening might be to dump us right into the
outback with the Drovers, establishing ANDREW as our protagonist doing what he
does best and experiencing his emotional backstory (BTW, his FLASHBACKS

Page 7 of 16
should adopt a darker tone; maybe we SEE Andrew at the actual crime scene,
rather than at the uninteresting police station, SHOW our hero what he did best —
being a detective). Overall, the known world set up is okay, and the character intros
tell us who’s who and what’s what. Not sure what serves as our Inciting Incident
(knocking down that world we’ve set up and presenting our hero with a choice to
act). Is it getting kicked out of town? That’s a tension boost, for sure. The Lights
encounter is too. Martin’s death seems to fit the bill best, though, but it’s late in the
act (the Inciting Incident lives around p. 12 — at least per Snyder’s Save The Cat
structural paradigm, a CI favorite), which compresses any hero debate into a few
lines and gets them headed back to Chaurus lickety-split to call the police, which
works as an act break and story turn of sorts based on Andrew’s decision. And we
have some real “Storm Clouds on the Horizon,” too.

ACT TWO – So the journey back to the Chaurus world is on. Does our hero have a
clear and compelling goal? Is it just to call the police? Is it about finding balls?
Actually, it’s more about our hero and the drovers finding themselves at the mercy
of the Locals, their Gwinlan allegiance and Gwinlan’s powers. While tensions do
rise between the drovers and the Locals, and the momentum builds with the storm’s
arrival and SHERIFF BOWMAN heading to Chaurus, and stakes raise with
Gwinlan’s arrival and the LOCAL #4’s saw incident, Andrew doesn’t elevate above
passenger in the proceedings. He’s marginalized and minimized when he should be
protagonized. BILL bails him out of taking charge of the JEANETTE/TOURIST #4
situation. Jeff literally steps all over him (again) after the TALVERT
Chaurus/Gwinlan lore backstory dump. Even PETER at first quashes and then
pisses on Andrew’s attempt to warn everyone about Gwinlan’s arrival. He’s not very
audience appealing. And in all this “excitement,” we seem to have blown by a story
turning Mid-Point. Maybe it’s Gwinlan’s arrival. Maybe it’s Andrew’s public
humiliation about his Gwinlan arrival announcement. The biggest turn feels like
Peter’s lynching (a False Collapse, where things from now on can only get better),
but that beat doesn’t arrive until the mid-60s (way beyond Snyder’s p. 55, or even
further beyond where it might fall in this script’s compressed page count). Some
realignment is in order if that beat is the Mid-Point. At least the momentum and
stakes pick up once we (and Andrew) get a glimpse of the opening time rift and
Andrew “takes charge,” as it were, though Gwinlan (with ANITA’s help) moves
another step closer to completing his sacrifice by taking Bill’s head. Andrew’s
subsequent emotional crash and burn is an okay Low-Point, though it’s unclear why
he doesn’t snap out of it sooner and get in Anita’s grill while she’s “freshening him
up.” Does the crying cattle trigger his re-emergence and table turning? Anyway,
Andrew leading the escape is a solid heroic choice, even though it’s not clear why
Gwinlan doesn’t simply wield his remaining powers and thwart it, thus preventing
Andrew from making his ABORIGINAL mountain meet-up and bonding with the
Chaurus. Alas, he gets to bond, which is a solid, compelling, story-turning break at
the Snyder-appropriate page marker despite the fact that it leaves…

ACT THREE – … only 10 pages to wrap everything up. Definitely underweighted.

But our hero does forge onward with the tools (re: STEPHEN CHAURUS and his

Page 8 of 16
powers), lessons learned and knowledge needed to confront his dilemma head-on,
prevail and achieve his goal. Solid, energetic climax. Good battle. Ultimately not
quite sure what the time rift has to do with anything between Andrew and Gwinlan,
though, or why it was even opened in the first place. Is it just so Gwinlan can “show
him where he comes from?” A bit of a bummer that Andrew doesn’t get to fully
vanquish and dispatch Gwinlan (the Chauruss clean up the mess and everything
else). Anyway, Andrew prevails, gets his balls back (there’s no more crying — yay!)
and retains the Chaurus power to do good. But did Andrew succeed? Tourist #5 has
the unborn “Gwinlan.” Maybe we drop some sequel bait on the ending and suggest
Andrew and Tourist #5 are “destined” to meet in the big city, where the battle
between good and evil will continue. Just a thought.

SCENEWORK / PLOT LOGIC

Pretty good scenework, overall, with decent connective tissue and linkage, though
the logic can be sketchy and convenient at times (several examples indicated
below). There are opportunities for bloat trimming to tighten scenes up. Some good
conflict throughout, even if the dust-ups with the Locals can get repetitive (How
many times does Jeff have to beat up on Andrew and make him cry?). Just
remember that the trick to solid scenework is to get in (preferably late, but just in
time for the important bits), expand what we know about the characters and their
objectives, make the scene/story point, and then get out when the getting’s good,
on strong action or DIALOGUE beats, sending the audience headlong into the next
scene (letting the previous scene continue on without us) with maximum propulsion.
Be lean and mean when doing so, too — every scene, and every word within that
scene, must serve the story. That said, here are some scene-specific comments
and suggestions (with more marked-up throughout the script)...

p. 6 - When did Martin and Bill leave the pub table? Given Peter’s “no bullshit” edict,
one would think he’d go out of his way to keep an eye on them and not let them
leave. Their suddenly appearing outside feels jump cutty anyway.

p. 17 - “The Chaurus Light slowly moves through the cattle…” Consider more WTF!
from these guys, rather than just stunned silence and “terror.” “It’s one of them
damn lights.” “Don’t be daft.” “What the hell is it then?” That said, consider
peppering in more skepticism, where they try and rationalize and explain away what
they saw. This might stoke some conflict flames in the group. Maybe MARTIN’s the
most vocal about it being nonsense… and he winds up with a rock in his skull,
which the others mistakenly blame on the Lights knowing to eliminate a potential
problem.

p. 23 - Between the TOUR OPERATOR and the drovers, the overall response to
Martin’s death is mighty blasé and matter of fact. There’s a dead guy here, folks!
BTW, How might the scene’s dynamic change if the TOURISTS hear about Martin’s
death? One might overhear and relay it to the rest, where panic spreads and the
Operator has to deal with it in his own inimitable way.

Page 9 of 16
p. 47 - “Upon seeing Andrew, he cautiously walks up to him and taps him on the
shoulder, trying to avoid being seen.” It would be difficult not be seen approaching
Andrew and Jeanette on the dance floor, especially right after everyone’s just seen
the Bill/TOURIST #4 “kiss.” Logic potholes can tweak the story axle.

- Andrew’s April DREAMS/FLASHBACKS are kind of blah. Fuck ‘em up. Reinforce
the supernatural tone. Maybe take advantage of the Chaurus involvement and
manipulation, where each dream degenerates into a nightmare that includes
Gwinlan. Treat them as the Chauruss planting Andrew’s call to action in his mind —
SHOWING him that evil will destroy everything if he doesn’t do something.

- If the Locals just need four heads to sacrifice for Gwinlan, why wouldn’t they kill
Andrew after he intrudes on their Peter lynching? Two drovers with one rope, no?

p. 69 - ANDREW: I’m taking charge of the group… Rather than use DIALOGUE, let
Andrew’s action speak for him. As the athletic shoe conglomerate says, “Just do it!”

p. 82 - “He sees a large mass of cattle falling down a very high drop.” Nice image!

p. 87 - “The Elder hands Andrew a small clay cup. Inside, a horrid looking purple
and green glop, which he considers for a moment before downing it in one gulp.”
Impulsive, isn’t he? How does Andrew know it isn’t poison? Maybe he insists the
Elder drink first to test it out. “You first…”

p. 91 - “… as the Sheriff’s vehicle is pulled upward and around the wall of rain,
being ripped apart…” Cool visual, if awkwardly worded. BTW, How do Andrew and
David (and their horses) make it through the razor rain with just the clothes and skin
on their backs when Bowman’s steel SUV is ripped to shreds? Andrew doesn’t have
his Chaurus Light powers yet. Another logic pothole.

- How fucked up would it be if the Work Camp 39 PRISONERS escaped from their
cells into Chaurus, perhaps going after the Tourists. Hell, maybe a few try running
out of town, where they’re summarily shredded. Speaking of the time rift… What
happens to it after Andrew and Gwinlan pop back into Chaurus? Is it still there while
they fight? Is it still there after the Lights wash everything away? Feels like a loose
end. Also, if Andrew disappears along with every other hint of trouble at Chaurus,
wouldn’t his wallet disappear too? Feels like some convolution. Perhaps there’s a
subtler and emotionally resonant remainder/reminder JEANETTE can see.

p. 99 – It’s unclear how Andrew returned to the city and his old police station. What
happened after the Chaurus energy wipe? Did the Lights drop Andrew off? Again,
the convolution level is higher than it should be here.

CRAFT:

Page 10 of 16
Writer brings a straightforward if sometimes uneven style, which can make for a
bumpy read. Writer does show a knack for supernatural/paranormal imagery, as
well as for action. That said, Writer might consider breaking up the bigger blocks of
SCENE DESCRIPTION into smaller, more easily digestible (re: readable) chunks to
pick up the energy, the read flow and help open up the whitespace on the more
than a few ink-heavy pages. Thinning out the CHARACTER blocking and gesture
minutiae (standing, turning, looking up, chuckling, smiling, etc.) will help too. Page-
count is in the industry wheelhouse, though might fall into the mid-90s with
editorial/revision suggestions made here, giving Writer room to expand character
and story. Lastly, Writer has an okay grasp of formatting nuts and bolts, yet there
are areas in need of attention and improvement, such as:

- Avoid repeating LOCATION info from SCENE HEADINGS in SCENE

DESCRIPTION. We know where we are, thank you, so move on. No sense
cluttering up the page with more black anyway (p. 2, for example):

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Andrew is sitting at his desk in a bustling police station…

The above example also highlights the noticeable difference between Active Voice
and Passive Voice. Screenwriting is all about action and doing. Characters do
things. Characters scream. Characters bleed. Characters whatever. Passive Voice,
while it does have its place in certain situations, can suck away the writing’s energy,
sometimes leading to awkward sentence structure and a clumsy read. Use Active
Voice and action verbs instead, which save you words and, eventually and over the
course of the script, page count. So, applying both tips might get us something like:

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Andrew sits at his desk amid the COP and PERP bustle…

- Consider using SLUGS (SUBHEADERS) in lieu of SCENE HEADINGS when the

action continues/moves through rooms and areas within an already established
LOCATION (like inside the Pub — examples marked up in script). This helps with
read flow and opens up whitespace. We can also use SLUGS to establish scene
geography and move the “camera” without acknowledging a camera or suggesting
camera moves (“The camera pans to the first man…” “We see…”), which is the
Director’s job. The Writer’s job is to tell the story (p. 17, for example):

20 METRES AHEAD

A SIX-INCH WIDE ORB of non-transparent white light hovers

silently above the ground.

Page 11 of 16
Also notice how we can apply ALL CAPS and underlining to important beats and
cool imagery to help them stand out.

- Be vigilant about typos; be they misspellings (on p. 4, maybe the BOUNDARY

POSTS are made from “very old wooden poles,” instead of “polls.”), punctuation
(commas, commas, everywhere…), awkward grammar or formatting missteps.
There are a lot here (marked up throughout the script). Even if you think you’ve
proofread the hell out of the script, do it again. Then let someone else proofread it.
It’s amazing what fresh eyes can find. Bottom line — put your best page forward.
Let agents and studio readers SEE you’re serious about your craft.

- Turn off “Automatic Character Continueds,” which can clutter up a script with
unnecessary ink, especially a spec, which is all about showcasing the storytelling
and characters. Most screenwriting software packages allow you to deactivate this
setting. The thinking behind this is even if SCENE DESCRIPTION breaks up a
character’s DIALOGUE, we know who’s in the scene and who’s speaking.

- Try to avoid ORPHANS. If a paragraph or sentence has one too many words (the
one hanging off alone on a new line), it’s a good bet we can pull it up by expressing
the thought or conveying the image with fewer words. It’s good creative practice.
Yeah, it’s cosmetic too. And the bonuses are less ink on the page and perhaps
even fewer pages in the long run (p. 1, for example, is one of many marked
throughout the script):

The FEMALE PRESENTER rolls her eyes and looks at the other
guy.

- Announce DREAMS and FLASHBACKS via SCENE HEADINGS (as opposed to

SCENE DESCRIPTION). There are several formatting approaches to choose from
that we can apply to both. Just remember to pick one approach and be consistent
throughout the script (p. 67, for example):

Andrew looses consciousness…

FLASHBACK [or DREAM] - INT. POLICE STATION - CHIEF’S OFFICE - DAY

And always remember to bring us out of said FLASHBACKS with a:

BACK TO PRESENT

Usually, we get out of DREAMS when a CHARACTER wakes up in a subsequent

scene. If it’s unclear, though, we can always SLUG it out with an: END DREAM

PACING

Page 12 of 16
Breakfast news show opening aside (it’s blah, energy-wise), the drover and
Chaurus set up comes at a nice, even keel. The tension picks up a bit once we add
the Chaurus Lights and Gwinlan histories to the mix, even if they’re harmless tales.
The drover eviction starts us on the momentum rise, and the Chaurus encounter
and Martin rock death sets us off and running. The tension builds from there,
bringing the drovers back to Chaurus and into the Gwinlan shit, though the sense of
urgency feels hampered by Andrew’s overall reluctance to engage once that shit
hits. It’s as if his lack of fortitude applies the brakes. The FLASHBACKS can hinder,
too. Unless FLASHBACKS add to the storytelling and keep it moving forward,
they’re in the way. Eventually, Andrew snaps out of it and goes balls out (which
helps the momentum), but getting there is a bit of a drag. Lots of full-steam-ahead
once he and David break out, and the careening toward the final Gwinlan battle is
solid.

DIALOGUE

Some pretty good exchanges throughout. Not as natural sounding and

conversational as it could be, and it often comes across as stiff and on the nose.
Next, be careful with exposition overload. Yes, the Operator’s Chaurus Lights
storytelling serves a purpose, but Peter and Andrew diving into Andrew’s past, or
Talvert’s Gwinlan history, can overwhelm — there’s nothing less interesting for an
audience than watching CHARACTERS talk backstory. With Peter and Andrew, for
example, it kind of feels story-convenient that Peter just now — with the audience
here — asks about Andrew’s past, and he just now offers it up. Maybe we establish
that Peter knows the rough April outline, but Andrew finally feels comfortable filling
in the missing bits. This approach can help establish their relationship and dynamic
too. Next, consider condensing and consolidating lines to tighten up the scenes
(Jeff’s p. 26-27 “community” and “keeping secrets” lines into one potentially creepier
speech), eliminate repetition and redundancy, and trim out the small talk to make
scene and story points quicker (examples are marked up accordingly). Next, be
consistent with Direct Address, which should be set off with commas on both sides
of the address, or at least after (p. 5, for example):

ANITA
Evening, gentlemen. Name’s Kathy-
Lee. Just passing through?

Lastly, avoid PARENTHETICAL overload. And avoid overloading them with

expanded character action better suited to SCENE DESCRIPTION (as opposed to
smaller gestures, or if the action it describes counters what the DIALOGUE
indicates — subtext). PARENTHETICALS are a polarizing screenwriting element,
regardless. While there’s no hard or fast rule, we at CI suggest taking a more
cautious and sparing approach.

MARKETABILITY

Page 13 of 16
Story’s supernatural bent and cool visuals may not be studio tentpole material, but
relatively contained story presents opportunity for producers (mini-major and indie)
looking for genre material to feed various pipelines (domestic and international
theatrical, genre cablers like SyFy and Chiller in the U.S., Direct-to-Video and
Netflix). Australia-centric story poses little if any obstacles to reaching beyond
continent’s “boundary poles,” as presentation isn’t too steeped in “Aussie”
idiosyncrasies. Characters bring potential opportunities for established and up in
coming genre talent, though not-as-strong-and-compelling-as-he-could-be
protagonist needs a boost and revamp to attract genre A-lister (or even mainstream
B-Lister) and thus draw audience demo in.

TITLE

Pretty good, though it might be a bit stiff and journalistic (like we’d find in a
Discovery Channel program or even a magazine article). Definitely brings a
paranormal or supernatural flavor (a la Loch Ness or Bigfoot or any UFO-based
conceit), which helps suggest genre, but maybe the poster pop isn’t quite there yet.
While we do get a solid handling of the Lights as a story element, how might we
also address the Gwinlan thread (which is mighty substantial, story-wise) and
Andrew’s personal journey and bonding with the lights too? As it stands, the title
can work, but Writer might consider brainstorming for more of a grabber.

CONCLUSION:

A solid genre piece start here, with engaging chills, thrills and vivid
supernatural/paranormal imagery. Writer shows a knack, for sure. Structurally,
script is a work in progress. Totally fixable, though, especially after locking in beats
and plot points. Protagonist needs those hero’s “balls” sooner than later, as
audience may tire of the anguish and stray. Nothing earth shattering with respect to
the genre, but spooky premise and relatively contained setting with an outbackdrop
may bring interest from smaller budget producers and genre talent. Keep up the
good work, keep on writing, and thanks for submitting to Coverage Ink.

Page 14 of 16
 

YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

X
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

X X
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

X
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the tone for the rest of the
X
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X X

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

X
and ability?

Page 15 of 16
Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of
X
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X X
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Page 16 of 16
 FEATURE FILM SCREENPLAY COVERAGE

TITLE

LOGLINE (25 words max)

SUBMITTED TO AUTHOR

SUBMITTED BY COVERAGE DATE

READER DRAFT DONE

LENGTH TIME PERIOD

LOCATION BUDGET

GENRE
SIMILAR PROJECTS
ATTACHMENTS

EXCELLENT GOOD FAIR POOR

PREMISE ‎✔

PLOT ‎✔

PRODUCTION
‎✔
VALUE

CHARACTERS ‎✔

DIALOGUE ‎✔

SETTING ‎✔

STRUCTURE ‎✔

CASTING
‎✔
POTENTIAL

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 RECOMMEND CONSIDER PASS

SCRIPT ‎✔

WRITER ‎✔

SUMMARY:

Enter summary here (max 1 page)...

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COMMENTS:

Enter comments here (max 1 page)…

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 TV COVERAGE TEMPLATE

TITLE

LOGLINE (25 words max)

SUBMITTED TO AUTHOR

SUBMITTED BY COVERAGE DATE

READER DRAFT DATE

LENGTH TIME PERIOD

LOCATION

GENRE
SIMILAR PROJECTS

ATTACHMENTS

EXCELLENT GOOD FAIR POOR

PREMISE ‎✔

PLOT ‎✔

CHARACTERS ‎✔

DIALOGUE ‎✔

SETTING ‎✔

STRUCTURE ‎✔

SERIES POTENTIAL ‎✔

CASTING
‎✔
POTENTIAL

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 RECOMMEND CONSIDER PASS

PILOT ‎✔

WRITER ‎✔

SUMMARY:

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COMMENTS:

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 CLASSIC FEATURE COVERAGE

TITLE XXXXXX GENRE Comedy

WRITER(S) XXXXXX CIRCA Present

SUBMITTED BY XXXXXX LOCATION US

FORM / PAGES Screenplay / 78 BUDGET Med

DATE XXXXXX ANALYST XXXXXX

LOGLINE

Removed for writer confidentiality.

COMMENTS

Hey XXXXXX! Thanks so much for sending this script along. This was a ton of fun to
read, and I found that you had such a great knack for creating stakes within the small
world of Madison. The dialogue in particular was the high point of the script for me.
The one liners like, “I’m tolerating you back.” from Otis made me laugh out loud, and
made the writer’s intelligence come through in spades.

There was a lot to love about this script. The way the girls spoke to one another
suggested a clear rhythm and banter, and though I think there’s some more character
development that you can do in here, there was a lot I felt about their camaraderie and
the roles that each plays in the group by the end of the story.

www.scriptreaderpro.com
This definitely has the makings of a strong teen high school “love” story and I think
that leaning into that genre and watching as many films of this ilk as you can would be
great for correcting some of the structural notes I’ll go into in just a moment. I say love
in quotes because, the real love story is Madison and her awesome pack of girlfriends!
I’d also suggest that you find ways to push the envelope and really throw these girls
unique curve balls, as the concept felt a bit straight forward in a way that felt a bit
familiar.

Jumping into it! One of the issues that I had upfront was that you have so many
wonderful characters, but I found it took me a while to place the differences between
Madison and her friends in here, because there weren’t any character descriptions that
might help us get a sense of who they are right off the bat. For example, giving us age
and a physical descriptor is a great first step in character establishment. “MADISON
(20), wears ripped jeans and an old soccer jersey.” feels like a much different person
than, “MADISON (15), wears a short, pink dress and too much makeup.” To go further
here, you can also give us an indicator based on something we can see. For example,
“CASSIE (14) sits smugly by Madison in a stylishly worn bomber jacket. Her sharp gaze
misses nothing.” While I’m not saying these descriptors are necessarily right for your
characters, the important thing is to give us a simple yet specific idea of who they are,
so that we can inform their dialogue and get an immediate sense of characteristics
Without having that introduction, I found that characters didn’t stick as clearly in my
head, making it hard to follow and root for them and also making it easy to mix them
up. In particular, Cassie and Claire were hard to separate at times because their names
looked very similar. On this point, regardless of character intros, I’d change either
Cassie or Claire’s name to look a bit different on the page so you don’t risk any
confusion within the read.

To stick with Madison a bit, I thought her need for breaking out of her shell was a great
person to have some fun with. The idea of “Have an adventure, Baker.” is a solid
jumping off point for your story, and I loved when Madison went into her clarifying
regret that she should’ve done more. I think this needs to come much earlier in the
story, and, not to sound like a broken record, but you can start to build this idea as
soon as we meet Madison with a character introduction and an immediate choice that
shows she needs an adventure. The corny version of the kind of visual you need initially
is the yearbook she flips through as she packs her room, looking at all the clubs she
wasn’t a part of.

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Jumping into structure! My general note here, is that I think reframing your story to be
more of the quest to get to Ryan’s (side note: Ryan Bright is an amazing crush name!)
would be a great way to expand out the material you have here, and keep the story
moving forward. What I mean by this is, Madison took a while to finally give into
Cassie, that for much of the script she was trying to get back home rather than trying to
get to Ryan’s. I’d rework this, so that by page 25 or so she’s fully committed to the
adventure, and the meat of the story is the hiccups the girls face in their way and the
wild abandon for which Madison starts to act as she leaves a trail of chaos in her wake.
A wake she’s going to have to deal with when it’s revealed she’s not leaving at all at the
end. This would allow your plot to be clear and singular, while your subplot of the girls’
friendship and what happens when Madison, the glue, leaves town can reach into your
scenes, affecting these girls at every turn. For example, when Claire tells Madison that
she can’t wait to not deal with Cassie anymore, that was something I wished we’d
gotten a bit earlier, then we can see some of the cracks growing in this friend group as
well as start to see Madison’s concern over her friends, her real crushes.

To get more specific, reworking your first act is where you’re going to get the story to
start to click into place with a bit more strength. We spent a lot of time at Madison’s
house as the first scene and it felt like it dragged on just a bit. I’d consider showing
some different elements of Madison even before we get here. For example, maybe we
see her packing up her room, interacting with her family, etc. before her friends come
over. I think chopping down on this would be a solid way to get you to the sneaking
out element sooner, so that by your break into act two, we’re post spray paint moment
(where Madison is dipping her toes into the rush) and Madison has had time to
consider the options and returns from her debate period fully committed to this idea of
adventure. While your sequencing works, it just needs to be condensed so that we’re
moving along at a quicker clip, and I think we need to get that moment when Madison
decides that she’s down for this, rather than be dragged along the whole way.
Otherwise, I don’t truly get Cassie’s need being more powerful than Madison’s for this
journey, and think she can be the instigator, but actually do her job and convince
Madison that this is a good idea. Their subsequent adventures then, are not trying to
get home but rather trying to get to Ryan’s and dealing with the various obstacles in
their way.

I like Cassie’s backstory, and it added a lot to her character and why she struggles to let
people in. It also explains why Madison is one of the few she does let in. However, it
didn’t do enough to give that clear motivator about why she’s pushing Madison so hard
to go talk to Ryan.

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I think it made sense to be if she suggested it and plead with her to do it, but her
refusal to give up even when it’s clear her friend doesn’t want to do that is an
interesting choice that needs perhaps a more inventive reasoning behind it and is
maybe an opportunity for a further reveal that can thrust them apart later on. I also
think Cassie’s monologue about her mother could maybe be placed further in the third
act. It felt like a great character revelation, and we’re missing a bit by not leading up to
this after Cassie has perhaps made some bad decisions or gotten into it with Madison,
and explains by way of apology. This leads into a bigger note here, about how the
journey to Ryan needs to pull them apart more, while ultimately bringing them back
together. Let all their separate hurts, worries and goals climax to this moment where
they are at odds, and Ryan being out of town is the last straw before they all turn on
each other. That rift is needed to bring them back with more strength, and will
ultimately give us a more satisfying ending.

A little sequencing beat that I had a hard time with, was the loss of Nina’s glasses at the
same moment that Otis was driving back their way. This felt a little coincidental, and I’d
suggest leaning into the problem behind Nina’s glasses and actually making this more
of a new beat, where they have to divert from their current path to go take care of this
issue. Maybe Nina is not only drunk, but blind and panicking, making it something
they’re forced to deal with. At 79 pages, you have some room to expand, and giving
this the time it needs to develop so it doesn’t seem quite as written would be a great
way to further layer their journey.

From a formatting standpoint I’d keep your name/contact information on the title page
rather than having it spill over to the first page of your story. I’d also stay away from
using “MENTALITY FILMS PRESENTS, A XXXXXX FILM” in favor of a simple
“OPENING TITLES.” It just lets your reader live in the story, while also allowing that
part of the filmmaking process to be saved for much further down the line.

I’d try to slim your action blocks down a bit so they’re closer to four lines or so. This is
because readers tend to skim when confronted with a large chunk of text, and creating
more white space on the page can ensure that readers aren’t missing important details
that are hidden within your action blocks. Some of your lines could get more efficient,
but also it could be a matter of separating your action blocks and natural break points
to spread those out. This was more an issue at the beginning of the script, and
therefore made your first two pages feel a bit dense. Contributing to this was a lot of
description that focused on camera angles, and the way the script was shot. While
definitely a choice that shows intention behind the writing, I felt like it took away from
the story, and found it hard to totally immerse myself in the script.

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I’m all for emphasizing points and moments with camera movement and specific
choices, but I’d recommend scaling back on this just a hair and give more platform to
the emotional mechanics and choices of the characters, especially in your pivotal first
moments.

I also noticed your scene headers need a bit of finessing. There was a point where the
time of day dropped off when we stayed in NIGHT for a while. I’d keep referencing
time of day, and also stick to a period after INT./EXT. For example, “EXT STREET
NIGHT” should be “EXT. STREET - NIGHT” to keep it consistent throughout.

Additionally, make sure to cap your character names the first time we’re meeting a
character. For example, Joslyn was never given an introduction, and was referred to as
a girl walking towards them and it was a little confusing when a Joslyn started to speak.
This happened with Otis and Walt as well, so just make sure that you’re being clear
when we’re meeting those characters that will have subsequent dialogue.

Last little formatting note, but I’d make sure to center your parentheticals on their own
line. For example:

PAIGE
(annoyed)
Okay, fine.

CONCLUSION

This has a lot of potential to be a really strong story with dynamic characters and a
heartfelt ending. I’d first step back and restructure a bit so that you can get the
framework where it needs to be. When doing this, ask yourself how you can track and
stay true to not only Madison’s evolution, but also Cassie, Claire and Nina. While we
got a chance to touch base on each of their storylines separately, I didn’t feel like they
had much intention or affect within the story, and making these spill over into your plot
and the progression towards them being at odds with one another is going to give
some layers and subplot to your story. It all feels a bit too easy for these girls at times,
and since the biggest thing I cared about was their friendship, I’d love for you to
rework that structure to give your characters an opportunity to lose it all. After
restructuring, that’s when I’d take the deep dive into reworking and specify your
characters, starting with strong introductions and giving more clarity on the page
through consistent formatting choices. Well done and best of luck on your next draft!

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RATINGS GRID

1ST CLASS SOLID NOT BAD WEAK

Concept X

Story X

Structure X

Protagonist X

Antagonist X

Stakes
X
Character

Minor
X
Characters

Dialogue X

Scenes X

Pacing X

Theme X

Tone X

Writing Style X

Marketabilit
X
y

Formatting X

Grammar X

Title X

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SCRIPT RECOMMENDATION:
DEVELOPMENT NEEDED / CONSIDER / RECOMMEND

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Entry Type: Comprehensive Notes (WeScreenplay)
Marketing Blueprint: Analysis for Writing Sample
Synopsis Included: Yes
Ranking: 56th Percentile

SAMPLE SCRIPT
Sci-fi Feature 118 Pages

TOP 21%
STRUCTURE

RATING
PASS
PLACED IN THE TOP 44%

Percentiles are based on historical data of scores given out by this analyst.

For increased consistency, we calculate a project's pass/consider/recommend rating by using the scores input by the analyst and their history of
scoring. Approximately 3% of projects receive a recommend and ~20% of projects receive a consider.

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SYNOPSIS
In a near Utopian future, the sun is on the verge of dying. When the shockwave hits, most people are
killed or mortally injured. GALILEO, a young boy, searches for his younger brother ABEL after
discovering the death of his parents. He is saved by CLEAVE and IRIS, but his brother is left behind. 22.3
years later, the Earth is deeply devastated by the lack of sunlight. Galileo, now 28 and going by GAL,
lives in a commune with Cleave and Iris. Also in the commune are SUNNY, Iris' 9 year old daughter, and
KAZI, a man handicapped in the shockwave. Gal still searches for his brother, feeling guilty for leaving
him behind. They are able to sustain themselves using energy from the Energy Commune.

In the Energy Commune, GREGG, a 45 year old man in a pressed suit, relays his plans to drastically
increase the price of energy. He does not care that this means there will be a significant loss of life.
Dwellers, cannibalistic beings that were once humans before drinking contaminated water, threaten
anyone who wanders into the space between communes called The Nether. Elsewhere, NIX, a a tough
27 years old and her father MARK discuss Mark's plan to tell Gregg about his invention, a mini sun,
Helios, that can bring life back to the Earth. Gregg pretends to agree to give Mark the gases he needs,
but instead he tells his loyal henchman THRONE to kill Mark and Nix. In Gal's commune, the power
goes out because they have been unable to pay Gregg's exorbitant prices. This means their food won't
grow, and they can't decontaminate the water.

Mark is killed, but Nix manages to escape. She winds up at Gal's commune and asks them for help
getting across The Nether, and Gal reluctantly agrees to transport her. Gal is not willing to open up to
this total stranger and remains hostile towards her. They make it back to Nix's commune, but Gal is
forced to join her in the Helios Warehouse and is unable to return home. There they meet ERNIE, 42,
Mark's partner at Helios. They create a plan to get the gas needed to launch the sun, and this means
breaking into Osiris. They make it in, but the guards stop them from getting the final gas they need,
magnesium. They are forced to plan another heist, this time to the main gas plant. They drive across
The Nether, getting attacked by both Dwellers and guards, but they make it alive. A romance blossoms
between Gal and Nix through their shared struggle. Back in Gal's commune, Cleave is killed, and Kazi,
despite feeling like a burden, steps up to protect the people he loves.

With very little time left to get the sun into orbit, as the Earth will only be in the correct position again
in 160 years, the trio is forced to fight off an onslaught of Dwellers and guards. Gal is faced with his
brother, Abel, now a Dweller, and he tries to convince the once human creature that he can change
back. Even though this plan starts to work, Abel is shot and killed by a guard. Ernie is killed, and Gregg
gloats over Nix and Gal, keeping them alive to watch the sun fail. In a final showdown, they manage to
kill Gregg and Throne, and they launch the sun.
In the aftermath, the Dwellers start to become human again as the water becomes drinkable again
under the light of the sun. The sunrise is beautiful.

OPENING THOUGHTS
SAMPLE SCRIPT is a high concept and timely sci-fi with exciting action, vivid world building, and an
introduction of deeper themes. While well-written, some of the characterization gets lost in favor of
intense action sequences, and, despite the stakes being high, the various threats begin to feel similar
and repetitive. Some major plot elements are rushed, therefore minimizing the reach of the presented
themes and character development.

CHARACTERS
Gal or Galileo, while a somewhat typical protagonist familiar to this genre, has a strong set up for his
characterization and the start of a compelling, emotional arc. The loss of his brother during the death
of the sun is devastating and relatable, but this part of Gal's journey does not get enough focus.
Outside of this, the journey towards accepting the Dwellers as human and the external journey of
getting Helios into orbit aren't as compelling. Since the script opens with the loss of Abel, this feels like
it should be the heart of the story. Once the action really begins, Abel feels forgotten. It would help if
he actually opened up to Nix once they start to trust each other, expressing his guilt over leaving his
brother and perhaps expressing what he fears may have happened to him. The idea that he could
have become a Dweller doesn't seem to cross Gal's mind, and this feels unrealistic. Once the Dweller
version of his brother shows up during the climax, we don't get that sense of catharsis or completion
because of how absent this aspect of Gal's journey is. This scene in particular doesn't do enough to
show Gal's inner turmoil and his horror once Abel gets shot. After Abel dies he effectively vanishes
from the script. Gal doesn't appear to grieve, to be in shock, or to feel differently about killing
Dwellers.

Gal's relationship with Nix needs a better build up. It's unclear why he acts with such hostility towards
her when she first arrives, especially since she appears to have a way to save humanity, and
consequently the lives of everyone Gal loves. If the script could convey a specific cause for his anger,
like believing that Nix has brought the Osiris guards to their doorstep or that she is on Osiris' side, then
his reaction would make more sense. Because of the lack of motivation behind his reactions to Nix,
him agreeing to help transport her doesn't fully make sense, and the build up towards their romantic
relationship feels like it's missing a few steps. Having them open up to each other in a more
meaningful way about the loss of their loved ones would help to further both of their
characterizations, and it would justify them falling for each other.

Nix's reaction to her father's death is currently understated, just like Gal's reaction to his brother's
death. Her voice comes through better in her dialogue and the way she acts, like how she lacks a filter
and isn't afraid to call Gal out. While her journey is solid, she could use a more defined arc that
consists of more than her not wanting to kill anyone. The moment where she shoots Gregg doesn't
feel that momentous because we don't see her refusing to kill anyone cause a detriment to her plans.
There isn't a big enough contrast between who she started the story as and who she is at the end. Gal
we can see gets a better appreciation for humanity and learns to trust.

Gregg and Throne are both underdeveloped. Gregg's motivations for everything he does are too
simplistic, and it feels like the only reason he does anything is to be evil, like when he outright says he
doesn't care that people will die. His declaration that weak people will always die on page 17 is his
ideology, but why does he have this mindset? We don't get a great sense of why he longs for control or
why he's willing to kill endless amounts of people to gain it. Since he is a major character, we need to
understand him more. He shouldn't know he's the bad guy, he should genuinely believe in what he's
doing. It's also hard to understand why Throne has such undying loyalty towards Gregg. Even after
Gregg seems like he is going to execute Throne, Throne forgets this moment instantly. Building the
relationship between these two, maybe showing why Throne is so convinced and inspired by Gregg,
would make both of these characters more compelling. Adding some conflict between these two
would be worthwhile as well, like having Throne start to question Gregg as the story goes along.

PLOT
The plot is overall fast paced and entertaining, but there are some repetitive sequences and
underdeveloped moments. The constant attack of the Dwellers on the Weston's Commune all feel
fairly similar, as do the guard attacks on Nix and Gal. Just reducing some of the Dweller attacks on the
commune and having only the last attack escalate to an outright battle with the Dwellers will feel
more significant. The attack where Cleave dies doesn't have to be as intense as the last sequence
since it plays out almost exactly the same. Kazi's conflict with his disability starts to dominate the story
after a while, and it isn't built up well enough to justify this. There isn't enough focus on his story or
characterization to give his character these huge moments as the story goes on, and it ends up
distracting from Nix and Gal's story. Either his story needs to be better balanced with the main story, or
it needs to be diminished. On the surface his story is compelling, but in practice he isn't present
enough for his story to fit within the larger narrative.

It feels strange that Nix, Gal, and Ernie are fairly blasé about not getting the magnesium during the first
heist. There could be a larger emphasis on Gal choosing Nix's life over getting the necessary materials,
and Nix would realistically confront Gal about getting her out of there before their job was done. The
scene with the Hippie Woman currently feels out of place because of the insufficient focus on the
Dwellers as human beings. There are a few attempts at bringing this theme to the forefront, but it
quickly goes by the wayside, like when Gal tries to stop himself from killing Dwellers and Nix taking the
opportunity to start killing. It doesn't feel like they ever really face the knowledge that every Dweller
had the potential to become human again. The scene with the Hippie Woman is too quick and feels
like it's just there to set up the eventual reveal of Abel and the possibility that Dwellers can get better.
This could be a more significant scene if Gal and Nix start to really consider this possibility, maybe
even trying to save the nearly healed Dweller as they escape.

STRUCTURE
The structure works well for the narrative, but as mentioned, the fight sequences at Weston's
Commune with the Dwellers become repetitive due to the similarities and the structuring. Each of the
major fight sequences at the commune use a structure that intercuts major events. This is a major
reason these sequences feel similar. Switching up the structure or changing the scenario in some way
would make these scenes feel fresher. Gregg's involvement in the narrative feels too even until the
ending, and it would be worth ramping up his involvement and emotional state quicker. There feels
like there's a scene missing between Nix's arrival and need for transport and Gal agreeing to
accompany her.

DIALOGUE
The dialogue furthers the story well for the most part. There are issues overall with the similarities in
how the characters speak, and specific instances are pointed out in the script notes. Gal in particular
has a stoic, serious, and declarative way of speaking, which would be fine if Cleave, Throne, Gregg, and
others didn't have that same quality. Showing who these characters are by infusing sarcasm, coldness,
cruelty, peppiness, or any other quality will help us understand who they are better. There are also a
few instances of dialogue being too obvious, like Greg declaring outright what he thinks of people. He
doesn't speak with subtext, and it becomes hard to believe anyone would follow this man. In contrast,
Nix has an edge to her words and a clear personality in the way she speaks, like on page 26.

CONCEPT
The concept is timely and provides and entertaining way to examine modern issues of global
warming, individualism, and capitalism. The story itself doesn't surprise enough to feel different from
other films that explore the same topics. The script goes in the right direction when it brings Abel back
as a Dweller and the scene with the Hippie Woman, changing the "rules" established by the narrative
so far, that Dwellers are mindless killers, and changes it to the fact that Dwellers are victims who are
only killers due to their lot in life. Every scene that starts touching on this goes by too quickly and
doesn't affect the overall narrative as well as they could. The path of the script ends up being too
predictable and typical of the genre.

ARE THE VOICE AND PERSPECTIVE UNIQUE ENOUGH TO STAND OUT WITH
INDUSTRY PROFESSIONALS?
The voice and perspective aren’t standout. Even if the writing is really solid, this may be a little
bit run-of-the-mill storytelling.

There is a unique voice with this writer. While it may not be jumping off the page grabbing a
manager or agent yet, it’s definitely there.

This writer has a truly unique voice or perspective. This will really stand out as a writing sample.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE WRITER'S VOICE / PERSPECTIVE
The set up of the world building and atmosphere are fantastic. We get a clear sense of the world
before and after the death of the sun, and it's clear that the writer has an intriguing and creative point
of view. The story itself is a bit formulaic, but it touches on complex topics that could be brought out in
the same way the world is. It's unclear right now what the perspective of the writer is as the story is too
broad, so a more focused approach will further convey the writer's voice.

DO THE FIRST 10 PAGES ACCOMPLISH WHAT IS NECESSARY TO SET UP THE

SCRIPT?
The first ten pages don’t give enough of a sense of the script’s genre or tone, or don’t give an
indication of where the story is headed.

The first ten pages are intriguing, but need a few adjustments to grab the reader’s attention.

The first ten pages pull the reader in immediately by establishing the tone, genre and promise of
the script.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE FIRST 10 PAGES

The opening imagery is excellent, and this will immediately intrigue any reader. The tone and genre
are apparent from the very first page. The promise of the script could use more definition, especially
when it comes to setting up the big bad. Better characterization of Gregg and a clearer presentation of
Osiris would make the conflict of the story more apparent. The suffering of humanity is clear, but the
reason for the suffering is important to introduce early on.

HOW SUCCESSFULLY DOES THE SCRIPT'S HOOK OR CONCEPT GRAB YOUR

ATTENTION?
The Hook or Concept has appeal, but is something that has been done successfully in the past.
 The Hook or Concept adds an engaging element to the mix. The idea needs some shaping, but
there’s real potential.

The Hook or Concept grabs the reader’s attention and holds it until the final page.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE UNIQUE CONCEPT OR HOOK

The concept is timely, and the hook is attention grabbing. As discussed, there is a lack of definition in
the plot and themes. There are too many things going on between almost equally showing the events
at Weston's Commune and Nix and Gal's story. It at times is unclear whether this script wants to be a
straight action movie or an action sci-fi that ruminates on the complex ideas introduced. There should
be more at stake internally for both Gal and Nix. The set up of the world and the way of life for
humanity after the sun is gone shows great storytelling and imagination, but more work could be put
into the individual character arcs.

HOW WELL DOES THE WRITER BUILD AN AUTHENTIC WORLD THAT SEEMS
REAL?
The world of the script is interesting, but feels like it’s being presented by someone without first-
person knowledge of the environment.

The world of the script feels organic, but it needs a little bit of added detail or texture to
resonate fully.

The world of the script feels detailed, specific and organic, and the reader can believe that this
representation of the world is coming from someone who’s personally familiar with it.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE WORLD-BUILDING AND

AUTHENTICITY
The set up of the world is great, but it's hard to understand how it functions at large. The issue lies in
Gregg's role in the world and how he garners influence. He isn't supported by a group of elites or a
society that thinks like him, so it's hard to understand how he has the power he has. Providing energy
to the masses might explain it, but other people keep the energy running and know how it works.
Defining a reason for Gregg's heightened importance in society will add the needed detail in making
this world believable.

HOW IS THE SCRIPT'S FORMAT, GRAMMAR, AND SPELLING?

The script can become a slow read because of typos, formatting, or other issues.

The script has a few typos, formatting or grammatical issues, but overall looks professional.

The script has limited errors, and the word choice and formatting make this an easy read. It feels
professional.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE PRESENTATION AND READABILITY

Overall the formatting is clear and professional. There are inconsistent uses of directions like "Cut to"
and "Fade out" that aren't necessary. There are also a few spelling errors and grammatical errors that
sometimes muddle meanings. The few instances of this are mentioned in the script notes, but as a
whole there are no major issues.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Overall this script has potential to be a riveting, heart-quickening, and mind-opening sci-fi with great
action sequences. The themes need a deeper exploration, and the plot could use a narrower focus to
help define the characters and their journeys. Cutting some of the more repetitive sequences and
focusing on the inner conflict will bring the script in the right direction.
 SAMPLE SCRIPT

VIRTUALLY PERFECT EXCELLENT GOOD IMPROVE

98th - 100th Percentile 85th - 97th Percentile 50th - 84th Percentile 0th - 49th Percentile

- - Plot Characters
56th Percentile 45th Percentile

Concept
50th Percentile

Structure
79th Percentile

Dialogue
59th Percentile

RATING
PASS
PLACED IN THE TOP 44%

ABOUT STORY ANALYST AH55

Reader has extensive experience reading for Atlas Entertainment (The Batman, Wonder Woman, American Hustle) and has worked
closely with writers as a literary management assistant.

Percentiles are based on historical data of scores given out by this analyst.

For increased consistency, we calculate a project's pass/consider/recommend rating by using the scores input by the analyst and their history of scoring.
Approximately 3% of projects receive a recommend and ~20% of projects receive a consider.

WeScreenplay proudly uses Coverfly, an online platform that connects writers, readers, and the industry.
 7.

TITLE CARD:

H E L I O S

Stars slowly FADE IN and speckle the blackness.

In the middle of it all, barely visible, Earth appears. No

longer bright and colorful - just a piece of floating debris.

One side of Earth maintains its spherical shape, but the

opposite side is jagged.

EXT. DEAD COMMUNE - NIGHT

A SKELETAL MAN painfully shuffles down a small dirt path

toward twisted, brown plants.

SUPER: 22.3 EARTH YEARS AFTER THE SUN

He falls to his knees, searching through the decaying leaves.

His larger than life eyes search for anything edible.

INT. DEAD COMMUNE HOME - NIGHT

The Skeletal Man walks into the one room home. His Skeletal
Wife and Son look up at him.

The three aren't completely human. Their arms are longer than
expected; their skin is translucent.

The Skeletal Man weaps softly, but severe dehydration

prevents any tears from rolling down his cheeks.

He stares at a full pitcher of water. He grabs it, considers

drinking... and then SMASHES it to the ground. His family
doesn't protest despite their dried, cracked lips.

The Man shuffles over and hugs his son. Crying over him.

He slowly pulls a small pistol out of the back of his over

sized pants tied up with rope.

He puts the pistol on his son's head and looks to his wife
who shakes with grief. Finally, she nods yes.

The Skeletal Man closes his eyes.

BANG --
 COVERAGE, INK. COVERAGE

TITLE:
LOCALE: AmGaroan Suburb
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: 1995, Present Day
FORM: Teleplay
GENRE: Sitcom Pilot
BUDGET: Low
DRAFT DATE: N/A
COVERAGE DATE: 12/09/09
PREPARED BY: AP

LOGLINE:

Three old high school friends try to impress former classmates at their high
school reunion.

SYNOPSIS:

Cold Opening. Teens Garo, Ellis, and Marv play around in Marv’s basement, as
Ellis forecasts a wealth of sex in high school. When Ellis wins at air hockey, he
humps the table and Marv laughs.

Act One. Marv and Garo, now 27, play air hockey in Marv’s basement, when
Ellis shows up carrying his high school year book and a stack of folders. He
predicts a ton of sexual opportunities at their upcoming reunion, hoping to prey
on the desperation of aging women and impress them with false identities he has
crafted for himself and his friends. Ellis will pretend to be a helicopter pilot, whil
Garo will be a Korean game show host and Marv a mystery shopper.

Garo’s in his bedroom when his mother comes in to tell him his reunion ticket has
arrived but worries that Garo will freak out if old obsession Natalie is there. She
asks him to see sister Suzy’s homecoming dress but Garo refuses, not wanting
to see his sister’s cleavage. When Mrs. Chang leaves, Garo clicks on Natalie’s
facebook page. Meanwhile, Marv reads his own facebook blog and smiles at the
thought of going to the reunion.

1
Reunion Night. Suzy prepares for homecoming, Garo views a slide show of
Natalie’s pictures while drinking heavily, and Ellis arrives at the hotel where the
reunion is being held, dressed in military blues. Garo loads up a camelback with
booze and takes off for the reunion on his bike, while Ellis insults everyone he
meets at the hotel. Marv arrives at the reunion but Garo crashes his bike into a
parked car.

Act Two. Marv is admired by a fan of his blog, the two discussing Marv’s dream
of being a writer, while Garo shows up at his old high school, searching for
Natalie and calling the high school kids hobbits. Marv meets up with old high
school friend Brittany Barnes and the two decide to hang out rather than go snort
cocaine with a garbage man. Ellis hits on girls at the reunion but sees trouble
when an actual veteran arrivew with a prosthetic arm.

At the high school gym, Garo storms the stage to protest a teen’s winning
Homecoming Queen, professing the crown to belong to Natalie. After his
drunken scene, teacher drag him out while students pelt him with cups. Marv
finds out that Brittany now lives with her parents on the same block that he lives
on and Ellis shows up angry that his military persona has been one-upped by an
actual veteran. As Ellis walks off, he catches the eye of the Sandpaper Monster,
a harsh-handed girl who gave him his first handjob in high school, and Ellis
decides to lower his standards for the night.

Garo tries to get back into the high school but instead gets invited to a high
school party when he agrees to score booze for the teens. Marv and Brittany
walk home together, flirting and getting to know one another anew, though Marv
is demoralized when Brittany wants to keep their relationship platonic. Garo
pisses on the floor at the high school party and his own sister screams at him to
get out.

The next morning, Ellis and Marv eat breakfast and Marv tells Ellis about
Brittany, while Ellis admits to having slept with the Sandpaper Monster last night.
Garo wakes up on the floor of the high school kid’s house with a penis drawn on
his cheek, pointing toward his mouth.

2
COMMENTS:

OVERALL – (TITLE) is a funny comedy pilot, using a trio of old high school
buddies now in their twenties as a way of looking at how a generation finds itself
stuck in between the fun and games of youth and the demands of adulthood. It’s
over-the-top approach to raunch comedy is to be commended, as it has the feel
of actual “guy relationship” and gives the script its unique voice. The trip to the
high school reunion is a great way to introduce the characters’ place in the world
as adults and Garo’s misadventures at his old high school offer a funny B-story.
There are a few loose ends still with this script, though, as there’s not quite as
much contrast between the protagonists and the other guys from their old high
school class on display, there’s an unsatisfying feeling coming from the way
Garo’s night ends, and Ellis, while good for a laugh, is a bit hard to take, coming
off as mean-spirited more than sexually driven, making it tough to spend as much
time with him as we do. Cleaning up these issues will help tighten this script but
even in its current form, the script is a good read. It just needs a little work to
become bulletproof.

STRUCTURE/PLOT – The structure of this episode is fairly strong, although

Garo’s story feels a bit too disconnected from Marv and Ellis’s and the ending,
while okay for a regular episode, doesn’t give us the “this is where we’ll be going
from here…” direction a pilot episode demands. Tying the stories together a bit
more, giving us a direction forward, and addressing the less-than-satisfying way
Marv’s night with Brittany ends will go a long way toward making this fun and
funny script sharp and resonant.

MARV AND BRITTANY – The most enjoyable part of this script is Marv’s story,
as he goes to his high school reunion and, unlike his two friends, actually finds
someone he can connect to on a human level. We get the sense that this is the
one character who is in transition, the person on the verge of true adulthood who
might actually find his way past the petty adventures of youth and into a more
meaningful purpose down the road. While that is all great, there is also a
disconnect here, as Marv’s journey down this path ends prematurely. We get a
little flirtation between Marv and Brittany but she cuts off any talk of a relationship
right away. Does this mean a relationship won’t develop? Or is it just a bump in
the road that Marv will overcome in future episodes? It’s hard to tell. Though not
every question has to be answered in the pilot, we do need a way forward. The
prospect of Marv finding a loving relationship with Brittany is a good thing. It’s
what sets him apart from his goof-off friends. It’s the thing that takes this story a
step past the simplicity of a “guy humor” riff and gives it a little heart. It would be
great to see more of a relationship develop between these characters in the end,
rather than ending it abruptly.

GARO’S NIGHT – Garo’s scenes are the funniest part of this script. They are
laugh-out-loud funny. They even wrap around well when we see that Garo has

3
not only ended up getting wasted and foolish with real high schoolers rather than
his old high school class but in doing so, he has put himself in the same social
circle as his own sister. Very funny stuff! But there’s one problem… Garo is
isolated too much from Marv and Ellis. We see them together in the beginning
but after that, Garo’s on his own. Again, in a regular episode this would be fine.
But in a pilot episode, it feels off, as we need a better look at the dynamic of the
three main characters together. Maybe Garo should actually start the night at the
reunion and then wander off when he gets way too drunk, ultimately heading off
to the old high school when he can’t find the girl he pined over at the reunion.
Another choice – and one that ties a couple things together well – would be to
have Garo go to the wrong place as he currently does but then have him brought
back into the fold by Marv. Marv could be off with Brittany, on the verge of
creating a romantic relationship we will be seeing in the future, maybe even
about to kiss, when he gets a call from Garo’s sister, telling him Garo’s at a high
school party, passed out, and telling Marv to come get him. Marv’s night with
Brittany would be cut short but at least we’d get a sense of what it could become.
Marv could then pick up Ellis on his way to find Garo, bringing the three old high
school friends back together at the end of the night and establishing the idea that
no matter where they go while they’re out, these three will always end up
together in some form.

THE REUNION – This is a great setting for this script to take place. It really ties
in well with what the characters are all about. Ellis’s attempts to impress girls by
putting on a fake identity is also great, stepping things up a notch and offering
several strong comedic beats. But there does seem to be a missing element
here, which is contrast. The protagonists don’t really stand out as being all that
different from their old classmates. The people they run into at the reunion are
garbage men and fans of Marv’s writing, perpetual partiers who seem more
interested in doing blow than building careers. But isn’t that fairly close to what
the protagonists are? It would be better to see the old classmates as the
protags’ opposites. They should be successful, grown up, past the slacker life
that our main characters haven’t dug their way out of, so that the audience will
get the chance to see that these people, no matter how successful they may be,
are not necessarily better people than our good guys. But they at least need the
superficial appearance of success and happiness to stand in contrast to the lot in
life the protagonists have found for themselves.

THE SANDPAPER MONSTER – At one point Ellis talks about getting a rough
handjob from a girl referred to only as “the Sandpaper Monster.” Then, at the
reunion, Ellis ends up hooking up with that very same girl. This bit just doesn’t
quite work as well as the rest of the script. It feels shoehorned into the narrative
and, what’s more, it actually feels like a victory for Ellis even when the audience
isn’t going to want him to get one. Yes, he complains after the fact but in reality,
the guy got laid. That’s what he wanted. That’s considered a victory here. But
after being such a jerk all night long, it’s hard to really get behind this victory,
rough as it may be. But what if Ellis picked up a hot girl at the reunion, someone

4
who he vaguely remembered but just really couldn’t place, only to go to a motel
with her and find out that she was a transvestite, a former football star turned
drag queen lounge singer, a reversal that sends Ellis running and screaming
away from the bed? That feels like a more appropriate end to the night for this
rather unlikable character than actually getting a little action from the Sandpaper
Monster.

CHARACTERS – The main characters here are pretty good. Marv is a likeable
window character for the audience to relate to, Garo has some of the script’s
funniest moments, and Ellis’s self-centered approach to life and perpetual quest
for sexual satisfaction make him a useful comedic device. With each of these
characters, though, there is a concern, as Marv’s piece of this story ends too
abruptly to offer the promise of change in future episodes, Garo’s story separates
him from his friends for too much of the script, and Ellis, while funny, is just too
mean-spirited for the audience to enjoy as much as they might. The secondary
characters are a mixed bag, with Garo’s little sister Suzy really hitting the right
note and tying in well, the reunion classmates never really stepping up and
adding the contrast they need to, and Brittany landing somewhere in the middle,
at first offering the promise of a compelling female counterpart to the main
characters but abruptly cutting off the promise of a close relationship when she
should do precisely the opposite. Fortunately, it is only Ellis and the reunion
classmates that have core character problems, as the rest of the issues are
related more to the way the characters fit into the story than the character traits
themselves. Addressing all of these concerns, whether character or narrative
related, though, will help make this script stronger.

MARV – A very good character. This guy is the audience’s way in. It’s easy to
see the world through his eyes, being the one character among the protagonist
trio that appears to find himself at a crossroads between wasted youth and some
form of personally acceptable adult future. He’s likable and fun and easy to
relate to. That said, he gets cut off too quickly in this pilot episode. We need to
get the sense that he is moving on with his life, accepting change, and the fact
that Brittany simply sees him as harmless rather than a potential romantic
interest means that we don’t get a view of Marv as a character capable of relating
to women in a meaningful way going forward. We don’t need to see these two
characters hook up in the pilot episode but we should get the feeling that they
might. That’s the signal that Marv’s world is on the verge of change and it is the
pursuit of that change that makes Marv an accessible character for the audience.

GARO – This is the funniest role in the script. He has the best moments and
every scene he’s in is funny as the result of his drunken antics. Beyond being a
drunken nut, he’s also a guy with some emotional depth, as we learn from the
fact that he still obsesses over a girl he was in love with a decade ago. There’s
nothing that really needs to change with Garo on a character level, although it
does feel like he is too disconnected from the rest of the characters to fit into the
dynamic a pilot episode is expected to establish. Tying his B-story into the A-

5
story and physically putting him in the same place as his friends would be a wise
move.

ELLIS – It’s tough to really like this guy, no matter how funny he is. And to be
clear, he’s very funny. His self-centered outlook on life, his willingness to veer
toward the absurd in pursuit of sexual satisfaction, and his disconnected view of
the world that allows him to believe that great things are always around the
corner lead to some very, very funny moments. But while selfishness and
silliness and sexual pursuits offer a lot of laughs, they are tempered too much by
the fact that Ellis is not only looking for a good time, he’s also being a jerk. He’s
mean to the people he encounters, whether they deserve it or not, and his
moments of cruelty rarely do anything to make the scene funnier. Quite the
opposite, in fact. They take away from the power of the joke. Ellis’s comedy
should come from his selfishness and his drive for sex. That doesn’t have to be
mean-spirited or cruel to be funny. It just has to be selfish on a level that
audiences can connect to, whether they’d admit to it or not.

BRITTANY – Brittany’s issues relate directly to Marv’s, as it is their relationship

that gives the script heart but which also give it an unfinished feeling in the end.
She’s easy to like and it’s easy to root for her and Marv to get together. That
being the case, why destroy the prospect of such a thing happening right there in
the pilot episode? We need to see that Brittany sees something Marv and vice
versa. We need to see them connecting on a level that neither connects to the
other people around them on. This is the undercurrent of what is already there
but it’s not pronounced enough. We should get the feeling that Brittany is the
thing that might steer Marv forward in life, offering him a relationship with
someone who won’t judge him the way adults do but who might also help him
find a world outside of the childish antics of his buddies. Since she squashes
any thought of a romantic relationship at the end of this episode, though, it’s hard
to see those things developing. A better choice would be to keep Brittany as an
attainable goal for Marv, someone worth his spending time with but giving him
the prospect of romance with her. And it’s all a matter of changing the things she
says to Marv on page 26. Give them hope of a relationship and the audience will
want to watch episode two, if only for a glimpse at what might develop between
them.

SUZY – A great character used well. We get just enough of her to find it funny
when her older brother ends up at the same party she does. Very nice work with
this character!

ADULTS – We need more adult characters, not necessarily meaning people of a

certain age but people who have established some traditional career and family
goals in life, so that we can see the contrast between the hero trio and the rest of
the world. We should see them in the form of reunion characters and other
adults the protags meet in the course of their day. Garo’s mother gives us a
glimpse of this but that’s the only place we get it. We need more.

6
DIALOGUE – The dialogue here is pretty funny. It has the feel of guy talk, the
way that young adult men relate to one another when not forced to act differently
for the sake of employers or parents. The dialogue also works well to establish a
past history between Garo, Marv, and Ellis, as well as offering quite a few laughs
along the way. Great work here! The concerns here have already been
documented in these notes. Ellis comes off as too much of a mean-spirited jerk,
thanks largely to things he says to people he doesn’t like, and there’s not enough
contrast found by way or dialogue with “adult” characters. Overall, the dialogue
here is very strong but making Ellis self-centered more than mean and offering a
little contrast would only make it stronger.

SUMMARY – (TITLE) is a funny script. No question about it. It’s also the kind of
script that will speak to a very specific demographic and it does so with a sharply
defined voice. The characters are pretty good, the dialogue funny, and the high
school reunion setting a great place to put these characters’ lives on display.
There are a few things that should be addressed in a future draft though and they
all relate to the fact that this is not just a television episode but a pilot episode in
particular. It needs to set up future episodes by showing us a glimpse of how
things are going to change for the main characters. That’s where it comes up a
little short but by tweaking what happens to Marv in the end, along with getting
Garo back into the same story as his two buddies, and cleaning up a
characterization issue with Ellis, this story could be well on its way to a positive
reception from a cable network like Showtime or FX.

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

7
 Excellent Very Good Good So-So Not Good

Artistically X

Commercial X

Premise X

Story X

Main
Characters X

Minor
Characters X

Dialogue X

Visual X
Elements

Title X

SCRIPT: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

WRITER: CONSIDER

8
 TELEVISION COVERAGE EXAMPLE

TITLE: The Raja’s Dilemma

AUTHOR: ----------
GENRE: Big Bang Theory sitcom episode
ANALYST: ----------
PERIOD: Present
LOCALE: Pasadena
SERVICE: TV Coverage
DATE: ----------

LOGLINE: When Leonard insults Penny’s intelligence and then she

passes a test he fails, Penny leads the women in a challenge against
the men to prove who has superior intelligence.

Excellent Good Fair Poor

Structure x

Plot/Story x
Line
Character x
Development
Dialogue x

First 20 Pages x

Recommend Consider Pass

Script x

Writer x
SYNOPSIS:

Penny takes Leonard with her as she sits an aptitude test that will
enable her to get promoted within the Cheesecake Factory. However
before long he is insulting her lack of intelligence, saying that he is
clearly more intelligent since he has a PhD.

Later, Leonard waits for Penny to return home telling her that Raj
hacked into the system and that she passed the test. Still angry with
Leonard she looks at his scores to see that he failed the test. She
slams the door on him.

Later, Penny comes over to borrow milk still not talking to Leonard.
Leonard tells her he knows why he failed – because the questions were
flawed – ‘no-one with half a brain would be able to answer correctly’.
Penny picks up on the insult. Raj explains to Sheldon that Leonard
failed a test that Penny passed. They begin to examine the questions
in detail and Penny storms off.

Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette awaken and Bernadette initiates a

sex game, assuming that she will be the doctor. This bothers Howard,
as he does not like her assumption. After she has reassured him that
he is the most caring and intelligent man she knows, he wants to play
the doctor sex game, but pissed with him, she has gone off the idea.

In Leonard’s apartment, Howard gripes that he hasn’t had sex in 3

days. Sheldon suggests to Leonard that he challenge Penny to a retest
as his ‘manhood has been besmirched’. Howard agrees that Leonard
should ‘defend the realm’. Raja tells them a story about an Indian man
who loved money as much as his wife and lost both, because he
doesn’t know of any stories where a guy ‘gets whipped by his high-
school-drop-out-ex-girlfriend.’

Leonard claims that he can’t challenge Penny, because it would crush

her when he beat her. Walking in at that moment, Penny overhears
Leonard and empties the carton of milk, she is returning, over his head
and challenges him.

Meanwhile, Howard tries to make up with Bernadette by cooking her a

romantic meal of alphagetti. However when he tells her that he
forgives her, she storms off.
In Penny’s apartment, Penny tells Bernadette and Amy that she cannot
believe Leonard’s ego. They drink wine and Bernadette tells them that
‘Howard is an ass’. They decide to challenge the men.

Howard and the guys discuss how to prove themselves the intellectual
superiors. They challenge the women, who accept and introduce the
fourth member of their team, Leslie. A date is set for the following
evening in Penny’s apartment.

The two teams separately prepare for the challenge with Bernadette
dividing her team into subject specialties, and Sheldon arguing with
Howard and Raj about the times the people in the questions board the
train. Unable to take it anymore, Leonard heads out and runs into
Penny in the hall. He helps her carry numerous empty wine bottles and
offers to drive her to the liquor store, as she is slightly drunk. Penny
says she can make it herself, but thanks him for asking.

The night of the challenge and after agreeing the rules, Leonard and
Penny step forward to answer the first question. However instead of
answering the geology question, Leonard apologizes to Penny and
Penny hugs him. Immediately, Bernadette hugs Howard and asks him
if he has something to say. Howard apologizes. Raj tries to hug Amy
who pushes him away.

Sheldon says that they still need to find out who the smartest person
is and Leslie answers that she thinks that is obvious. Sheldon agrees,
but is unnerved by Leslie’s smile.

In bed, Howard and Bernadette play a new sex game ‘The Maiden and
the Masters’.
 DEVELOPMENT COMMENTS

Premise:

The premise in The Raja’s Dilemma is Leonard insults Penny’s

intelligence and then fails a test that she passes. This causes concern
over how to prove who is the most intelligent and Penny leads the
women in a challenge against the men to prove who has superior
intelligence.

Although this is a strong comic premise for an episode of The Big Bang
Theory, it is less successful than it could be for two reasons. Firstly
because the resolution reads a little easy with Leonard just deciding at
that point to apologize to Penny. This seemingly could have happened
earlier in the script, such as the scene where he helps her with the
bottles. She already seems to have forgiven him at that point, and
earlier than this, he seems to have known that his attitude towards
her during the test was wrong. Consequently the resolution seems a
little easy. Secondly, the comedy in the script needs to be maximized
throughout. Perhaps, having Leonard’s apology much harder for him to
make and Penny less willing to forgive him, will add to the comedy in
the script.

Therefore, although it is a good premise, the writer receives lower

marks because some of the actions in the script read as too easy for
the characters. If the writer is able to make changes to this effect,
then perhaps the writer and the script will receive higher scores.

At 44 pages, the script is a good length for a sitcom script in this

format.

First Twenty Pages:

In the first few pages of a sitcom the writer needs to reveal the comic
premise, create the world and tone of the story, introduce the
characters, their goals, and the conflict between them. In addition it
needs to be funny.

In The Raja’s Dilemma the writer succeeds in establishing the comic

tone of the show. The writer also succeeds in credibly re-creating the
world of The Big Bang Theory and the lives of the main characters that
populate the show. The central characters of Leonard, Howard, Penny,
Raj, Sheldon, Amy, and Bernadette are all introduced, and their goals
for the episode established. Penny wants to prove she isn’t stupid to
Leonard and Howard wants to prove men are more intelligent than
woman.

The writer then successfully sets the funny A and B stories in motion,
with Penny challenging Leonard and Howard making it a team
challenge.

Structure:

The traditional A and B story sitcom structure is evident here. The

script also demonstrates a clear two-act sitcom structure.

Cold Open – Leonard insults Penny for her lack of intelligence. He tells
her she passed the test. She tells him that he failed the test.

Act I – Leonard says the questions were flawed. Penny is insulted and
storms off. Bernadette initiates a sex game, assuming that she will be
the doctor, which bothers Howard, which in turn annoys Bernadette.
Leonard claims that he can’t challenge Penny to an intellectual battle
because it would crush her. Penny overhears and challenges him.

ACT II – The men challenge the women to an intellectual battle.

Leonard apologizes to Penny who hugs him. Bernadette hugs Howard.
Howard apologizes. Raj tries to hug Amy who pushes him away.
Sheldon says that they still need to identify the smartest person. Leslie
answers that it is obvious.

Tag – Howard and Bernadette play a new sex game ‘The Maiden and
the Masters’.

Additional notes:

Give the script a rigorous edit, to give the comedy as much focus as
possible.

Look at the ending of each scene and see if this is the best place, with
the greatest point of anticipation or joke, to end on. The viewer needs
to continue to want to know what happens next.

Consider where additional jokes can be added into scenes, and how
the comedy of a scene can be maximized. Ensure jokes do not get
lost in over long chunks of dialogue.

Read as many sample Big Bang Theory scripts as possible, to ensure

you are following the show’s style of writing. There are several
available at http://www.zen134237.zen.co.uk/Big_Bang_Theory/

Consider the ending of act two and the tag and whether there are
stronger jokes to end on. The lactose intolerance joke at the end of act
one is much funnier.

Character and Dialogue:

Generally the characters are credible within their context and seem to
fit with the show’s depiction of the main characters. Many of the
program character’s characteristics are present from Howard’s
insecurity over the lack of his PhD to Leslie calling Sheldon ‘dumb ass’.
There are also some funny one-liners such as Raj’s comment about
Howard’s mother as boss. The writer has also captured the dynamics
of the relationships within the group.

The dialogue in the script generally works well, and captures the
voices of the show’s characters, however some of the dialogue is
overlong and needs editing. By giving the dialogue a rigorous edit,
some of the banter in the script should increase in pace.

General Notes:

Overall, The Raja’s Dilemma has funny and credible A and B storylines
for an episode of The Big Bang Theory. However, the writer needs to
work through the script maximizing the comedy in each scene. It
would be worth the writer reading many sample scripts from The Big
Bang Theory and sitcom scripts in general, to help them achieve this.

It would also be recommended that the writer work on a new draft,

editing the script and resubmit for a higher score.
 COVERAGE, INK. ANALYSIS

TITLE: [title]
LOCALE: college campus, farm
WRITER(S):
PERIOD: the present
FORM: screenplay
GENRE: teen horror
BUDGET: moderate
PAGES: 100
DRAFT DATE: n/a
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE:

A college girl faces off with a serial killer while

confronting the childhood trauma she always knew would come
back to haunt her.

SYNOPSIS:

Junie Macketchum, 14, is at home alone when she hears a

crash. She hides and listens as strangers trash her house and
even when her parents come home, her fear won’t allow her to
show her face. The scene ends when someone flings open the
closet door where Junie is hiding.

Fast-forward seven years, Junie is now 20 and at college. In

her apartment she hears a noise that frightens her but it
turns out it’s only her two roommates, Sandra and Alicia,
home early from Easter break. Alicia is Junie’s sweet best
friend while Sandra is the spoiled, superficial roommate they
put up with. As they make plans for Junie’s upcoming
birthday, the girls read a ten-year-old article about their
Professor Broussard and how he was caught having an affair
with a student. They gossip about his proclivities until the
next day when another friend, Charlene, announces she’s
leaving school to be a professional cheerleader and Broussard

1
will be naming Alicia his new T.A. The student caught with
him also was a T.A.

Reggie, a nerdy classmate, enters by scaring Junie half to

death. Her trauma still very real to her, Junie still can’t
handle any sort of surprise.

Charlene packs up her whole life while a secret stalker

watches. A knock at the door stops her in her tracks as does
the stalker who enters the apartment.

In class the next day, all the students are back in school in
Broussard’s class. Broussard also has a farm he tends to when
he’s not in school and offers Junie a chance at earning money
by farm-sitting alone. Nervous, she declines and goes to meet
Alicia after class. They enter a sorority house where a
surprise party awaits Junie. Too scared to even enjoy it,
Junie throws up in front of everyone, halting the party.
Later, Alicia tries to comfort Junie but nothing helps. The
sirens that keep ringing outside stop their activities,
Charlene’s body has been found.

Alicia leaves school because her parents are nervous when

they hear the news report. Junie decides she shouldn’t be on
campus either and takes on Broussard’s offer after having a
chat with her mom.

At the Broussard’s farm, Junie comes face to face with Helen,

Broussard’s disabled and sick wife. She and Broussard used to
be the dream couple but after her accident and condition,
their relationship are strained. She’s got a patient with
her, Stavros, who looks agitated and leaves quickly. The
Broussard’s hand over the keys and leave Junie in charge of
the house, greenhouse, cat, and dog. They leave for separate
destinations.

Alone, Junie keeps having a lot of little jumps and scares

that all turn out to be nothing. Getting increasingly
nervous, she makes her rounds and doesn’t notice the same
stalker watching her.

Back on campus, Sandra leaves a bar too drunk to drive. She

spurns Reggie’s offer to drive her home but accepts the class
meathead’s. Before he can pick her up, a hooded figure kills
the meathead and then kidnaps Sandra. Reggie meanwhile goes
out to the farm and succeeds in scaring Junie once again. He
offers to keep her company but she declines. Dejected Reggie

2
leaves. Meanwhile the same figure that killed Charlene is
slowly mutilating Sandra.

The next day Junie tries to write her paper then focuses on
the tasks around the farm to keep her mind busy. She hears a
news report that there’s been another murder and decides to
leave. She phones Helen who talks her into staying until that
night. Reggie stops by again because he’s worried about her
and brings her a birthday present as well. Moved, Junie tells
him about the event seven years ago that left her traumatized
and her father wheelchair bound. Reggie understand why she’s
always so jumpy.

After he leaves, Junie is alone and a nervous still. A

delivery makes her jump before she realizes it’s a cake from
Alicia. As she cuts into it, she hits something
solid…Alicia’s decapitated head. She also finds a DVD the
killer left for her, showing Charlene and Sandra’s deaths.

Hyperventilating, Junie runs out of the house and comes face

to face with Stavros. He’s also scared and tries to help her
but she has twisted her ankle and has trouble walking. As
they make their way through the woods, they come upon
Alicia’s headless body hanging from a tree. They run but are
separated and the last thing Junie hears is Stavros’ scream.
She keeps running and mercifully sees Broussard driving back
home on the road.

Back at the house Broussard tries to calm Junie and treat her
wounds but nervous, Junie doesn’t trust him and he doesn’t
believe a killer is after her. Junie gets increasingly
nervous and finally runs for it but Broussard follows her as
she tries to escape and they end up in the stable where Junie
stabs him. Junie texts Reggie but he doesn’t get the message.
She steals Broussard’s keys and starts to drive away when
Stavros appears in front of her.

Junie comforts Stavros and leads him to the car where he

tries to choke her. Junie manages to get away and back into
the house with Stavros chasing her. He trails her all over
the farm but Junie manages to land a few blows. It turns out;
Stavros also killed the other girls. When Junie finally
eludes him, she sees Helen coming up the driveway. Junie
tries to convince Helen they have to get away when Stavros
shows up again. Together with Helen, Stavros grabs Junie. She
passes out.

3
When Junie comes to, she realizes she’s tied to a chair.
Helen tells her all about her husband’s infidelities and her
past beauty and happiness. She’s just about to kill Junie
when Reggie shows up. In the scuffle, Junie frees herself and
she and Reggie run for it with Helen and Stavros in hot
pursuit. They manage to kill Stavros but Reggie is gravely
injured. Helen appears while they’re in the stable with
Broussard’s dead body. He comes to long enough to say he only
cheated on Helen once, and never again.

The final showdown is between Helen and Junie as Helen chases

her through the fields. Junie manages to stay out of her way,
even though she’s injured until Helen jumps off the tractor
she’s been chasing Junie with and tries to fight her. Junie
manages to shove Helen back where she lands on the tractor’s
blades and dies. Sirens start screaming soon after.

Junie and Reggie make a date a few days later. Junie now
lives alone in her new apartment, not scared anymore.

4
COMMENTS

OVERALL

This was a very easy and interesting read. It caught my

attention from the get-go and even horrified me with the
details at the beginning. The scene with the squealing pig
and the main character sitting unable to help, but hearing
her parents, without knowing what was happening was
especially strong. You could picture yourself in the
protagonist’s shoes.

Speaking of the protagonist, Junie is a pretty good one.

Because of the intro, we already feel sympathy towards her,
so when she reacts violently to surprises, we can’t help but
feel sorry for her and be on her side. We want her to be
successful, to overcome whatever she needs to because she is
a likeable character with real flaws that we can empathize
with. It’s fear that’s holding her back and that’s such a
common thing that her victory could almost be ours. However,
for that to happen she needs to show us that she wants to
overcome it. There are just too many scenes where she’s
shrieking and hyperventilating. We need to see her steeling
herself and trying to at least handle it in one scene. She
can fail. In fact, she should fail. But she needs to be
mentally stronger because an audience may not cheer for a
weakling for too long. To go along with this, it would be an
effective turning point to see her deciding to chase the dark
rather than let it frighten her in the final scenes of the
farmhouse. A moment where we can see she’s made up her mind,
an empowering moment, so that her actions aren’t just the
floundering reactions to what’s going on but that there’s a
level of calculation there. Exactly like when she unleashes
the manure on Broussard.

As for the rest of the characters, I think they all have the
groundwork to be really interesting but right now they’re
just a bit too stereotypical and feel a bit like filler. You
have the chance to really skewer the girl-in-danger-slasher-
film trope while still abiding by the rules and I think you
should take advantage of that. The jock is a typical
meathead? Well then what is his relationship to the murders
and Stavros/Helen? His death can be used as a method to throw
off the audience; in fact, it works really well to do that
because all the deaths so far have been girls and videotaped

5
ones. There’s really an element of violation and creepiness
with the videotaping. Use that further. Have evidence of the
jock and others being videotaped. Maybe even Junie and
Reggie. If you can connect the videos to Stavros and Helen’s
motives in some way that could even make their actions seem
stronger and make more sense. Broussard was watching home
videos when Junie arrived for her job. It could be even a jab
at him. You have all the elements to round out the action and
make it come full circle with all its twists and turns but it
just needs to be connected.

Reggie is a great character. He’s the loveable nerd everyone

can’t help but treat affectionately. Except Junie. Have him
really prove himself to her. Jumping out and scaring her
seems a bit too repetitive. Maybe he can be constantly trying
out different ways of impressing her that backfire? There’s a
limited amount you can do with the un-wanted boy protagonist
and possible love interest but use his nerdiness to get you
there. Have him rescue Junie from a situation by hurling an
action figure box at the killer. Then he can complain how
it’s no longer mint and worthless because the box has been
crushed. That’s just a suggestion but really use each
character’s defining personality traits to develop them and
push them forward. Charlene with her cheerleading stuff, the
jock with his sports stuff, Sandra and her superficiality,
even Alicia with her niceness. They can all be stretched to
the limit.

In terms of tone, there are some instances of quips that are

so inappropriate that they’re funny. On page 20 when the
spinster makes her comment as the lock guy screams in horror
when they discover Charlene’s body is great. There should be
more of those little bits so this story can elevate itself
from the typical slasher to a dark comedy slasher movie.
Alicia’s head in a cake box is the perfect example. It’s just
so bizarre that it needs like a moment with the cat licking
the frosting or something.

The dialogue is very natural in the story. It suits the

characters and their ages as well. The Neil Gaiman joke
Reggie makes in class is so good. Maybe not everyone will get
it but the ones who do will appreciate it. However, the
dialogue does seem to come in scenes that slow the action
down. They’re just too obviously a method for exposition like
when Reggie asks Sandra about her make-up or the girls
discuss Broussard. These things can all come naturally
through showing the scene. Broussard comes to class wearing

6
overalls? Maybe change that to ripped jeans and a flannel
shirt. No matter how hot the man is, I have a hard time
believing overalls can be sexy but this way you can show that
he’s trying to be, “one of the students,” and managing to
pull it off even at his age. In direct contrast with his wife
in stiff formal clothes and a noticeably older appearance,
it’ll be so obvious. The way Broussard talks could also be
edited to reflect this. Yes, he can assign the paper but
having him sit cross-legged on his desk, rolling his eyes,
cracking jokes. All these small things that can be added to
show his personality. The T.A. aspect can come when he
introduces Alicia as the new one with a knowing glance. How
about making Charlene the one he had an affair with? Her
packing to go away could be a front for leaving the school in
disgrace while the teacher gets away with it. There are so
many little details you can coax out to tie these characters
together, push the story forward, and not allow it to remain
stagnant in the non-chase scenes. By page 25, I was still a
little unsure where the story was going so cutting out the
extraneous set-up scenes and dialogue could really help that
since page 25 is a good chunk of the way into the story.

There are some details that ought to be addressed as well.

I’ll go through them as I noted them while reading.

On page five you use the word trepidatious and it’s repeated
a few more times throughout (34 and 65). Not only is it not a
word but also the constant use takes away from its effect.
It’s okay to say with trepidation once but remember that
Junie’s actions really do describe her state of mind so
describing it again is redundant. It slows the flow of the
story and interrupts the natural progression. Let the action
describe the emotions of the setting and character. It’ll
make a stronger impression.

When referring to the killer as Hoody, note that hoodie is

spelled with an i-e. It’s a very small thing but readers will
take notice, so it’s better to be safe than sorry. It’s a
quick fix though, so nothing to worry about.

In the same way trepidatious tripped me up, some of the

descriptions of characters also took me a second to re-read
and understand what you meant. You have a great way of
describing the physical appearance of characters. Alicia as
Martha Stewart was absolutely perfect because everyone can
immediately imagine her in her Stepford perfection. But
Sandra is described as, “Looking like she’s dressed for a

7
part in a hooker movie,” on page 8. I think you mean the part
of a hooker in a movie. Small stuff like that can also be
cleaned up to make it tighter. The less is said, the better.
It just makes clutter on the screen and on paper.

Page 22 the reference of a herd of students with people

mooing at them is a little confusing. The herd already
denigrates an animal quality to the students. It would make
more sense for them to be mooing and the others making some
other sort of cacophony to differentiate them. It’s not a
huge deal but small stuff like this is also a distraction.

We know Broussard is leaving for the weekend, no need to

repeat it on page 25.

The murders of Junie’s friends are a little confusing. It

seems they’re all happening at the same time and it’s also a
little hard to work out when Alicia would have had the time
to die. Though there are actually two killers involved,
unless Helen does some killing too, it needs to be clearer
that one person is doing all the legwork because as it reads
right now, it seems like there are several.

On pages 40 and 41, the interaction between Junie and Reggie

seems a little off. He was at the surprise party for her so
he would know that it was her birthday. Dropping by twice is
also odd especially since he scares her again with the first
time. He already scared her at school. Offering a brownie
after scaring her yet again seems a little weak and
unbelievable. He needs better motives to interact with her
rather than acting like a child and trying to win her over
with a treat. In this same vein, Junie is far too jumpy and
the animals are over-used as the excuse for noises and
events. She calls 911 at one point. Even if she hangs up,
they still would drive and come check it out. They can be the
ones making noise at another point rather than blaming the
cat and dog again. The hide-and-seek of scares is just too
much especially since we know she’s being watched. Helen
trying to guilt her for being scared is also a little
unbelievable. This whole segment is a bit long. Cutting the
scares and building Reggie’s motives to be at the far, can
really help make him stronger and keep the story going.

With Broussard’s reappearance, we already know something is

up. It drags too long and even though it’s ultimately not him
Junie needs to fear, the interaction is too long. It needs to
be cut to increase tension and not lose our interest because

8
the audience will already be suspicious. Use that and then
quickly move to the Junie freak-out and Broussard’s fate.

When it comes to the final chase and fight for survival, it’s
very high action and intense. Reading made me hold my breath
so watching it would probably be even better. But again,
there are some suggestions to punch it up. Junie seems to get
away by rolling over too many times. It’s a little
repetitive. Googling the police also seems a little counter-
productive. Wouldn’t she just call 911 again? If she did,
they can even provide for more tension by not believing her.
The kiss on 89 comes at a bad moment. There is no reason for
it and though Reggie says she’s handling it all very well,
she isn’t. Either Junie needs to assert herself and stop
being afraid and make a plan that works, or the kiss needs to
come later. The showdown between Helen and Junie also seems
too long especially with Broussard’s final moment. If you
want his death to have a bigger impact, make it clearer that
all the rumors and insinuations about his affairs were false.
Not just one ten years ago, none. Charlene could’ve even been
lying about it if you decide to make her the student the
rumors were about. Or the student ten years ago. It would
make Helen’s mental trauma that much more poignant if she had
assumed everything and embarked on this murder spree for
nothing. One more suggestion, if he lives it could also
provide for an interesting and darkly comical ending; with
Junie asking if she’s receiving extra credit or not or
something like that. It would just make more sense that he
hasn’t died yet because him coming back and dying again is
just too handy for the story.

The ending is a good touch. We see that Junie has learned to

face her fear and that Reggie has redeemed himself in her and
our eyes. However, rather than having her tell us about it,
why not show it? Junie and Reggie alone in an apartment and
maybe him leaving and asking her if she’ll be all right
alone? Junie’s calm reply of yes would be so much stronger
than a simple exclamation that she now lives alone.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

STORY

The story develops naturally without force. It fits the trope

of the teen slasher flick where the protagonist, a girl,
faces her fears and ultimately saves herself. That being
said, there really is nothing new put forward to the

9
overarching genre. Interesting twists but no real surprises,
not even the double antagonist plotline. A few more twists
and challenges to the familiar story-line would make it stand
out against other films of its ilk and make it stronger.

STRUCTURE The structure is well organized. The beginning is

short and attention grabbing while setting the story in
motion. The middle works as a means of introduction for the
other characters and the main storyline. The climax comes as
the action peaks and there is a denouement to tie it all up
and present an ending.

CHARACTERS

The main characters are decent in their introduction but

there is no real development, especially in the protagonist.
There is no natural progression of her character and only at
the end do we get a glimpse of the change the events had on
her. Junie has too many instances of hyperventilating and
almost passing out. It’s already been established that the
events of her childhood traumatized her to this point; she
doesn’t like surprises. But there needs to be a stronger
moment in which she decides she no longer wants to live like
that. The actions scenes in the farmhouse are a good example
of how she’s facing her fears but there is no moment before
that shows her change, no instances where she’s at least
trying. Her hysterics are very real but too many and the
audience will get annoyed with her rather than be on her
side. The female friends are too similar, they are almost
indistinguishable except for character descriptions that
introduce them then they get lost in the shuffle. Sandra
stands out, though. The way she talks and treats the others
sets her apart from them. But Charlene and Alicia are too
similar and Charlene seems to be only there to start the
killing. The token jock is too stereotypical. He doesn’t even
have a name because he is indistinguishable from all the
other meathead side characters in the genre. It might be
interesting to give him a bit of depth. Also, his death is
the only one that does not suit the killer’s motives. There
needs to be a connection. Even if his death is supposed to
throw off the audience, there needs to be a valid ulterior
motive so that it can be connected. Reggie’s character makes
for a good love interest. He is clearly the nice-guy nerd but
again, that seems a bit too stereotypical. He needs a bit
more depth too. His clowning works well as an opposite to
Junie’s timidity. Exploit that and both characters will
naturally develop further. Stavros and Helen also need to be

10
slightly more developed. We only get them at the house before
Junie starts her stay but a longer interaction to show
Stavros and Helen’s relationship and even Stavros and
Broussard’s relationship could be a good hint and set-up for
what’s to come later and their motives.

THEME

The theme seems to be the ability for one to get past their
fears and face them, and life, head-on. However, Junie
remains jumpy and anxious all throughout the movie. The theme
doesn’t come into play until almost the very end. A slow
depiction of Junie’s development and how she suits the theme
would make it stronger.

PLOT LOGIC

It makes sense almost throughout except for a few exceptions.

The death of the lesser characters sort of fit the killer’s
motives but they’re not solid enough. The jock, the
cheerleader, and Alicia all need better connections to their
murders via their relationship with the Broussards.

TONE

A little up and down. It seems to have some moments of dark

humor set against the violence but they come abruptly and
seem out of place such as the landlady making a joke at the
discovery of her tenant’s dead body. If there were more
instances of jokes or quips, the whole story could have a
firmer tone of black humor set against horror.

CRAFT

Good handle on writing and the rules therein. Needs to be

proofread a little more carefully though to avoid those
simple little mistakes. Variation in descriptive words and
reactions would also benefit the script.

MARKETABILITY

It’s a Halloween/autumn film. Though it does not take place

on Halloween, it’s the perfect sort of film to release around
then for fun and scary thrills.

TITLE

11
Title is suitable and interesting as it’s not immediately
clear why it’s called that. Still, it fits the story and
references both the origins of the events as well as the
final showdown’s location.

MISCELLANEOUS

Too many descriptive words. “Junie walked forward

trepidatiously,” is an example. It is used several times and
not only is the word non-existent, it’s a little redundant.
Junie’s character is familiar and the tone of each scene is
already set through the writer’s build-up. It would already
be obvious that Junie is walking forward in trepidation.
Cutting out these extraneous bits (not all of them, after
all, some need to clarify the action. Just the ones that are
repeating the action) would make the story tighter and
stronger.

CONCLUSION

This is a good draft, but it is a draft nonetheless. The

action in the middle needs to be upped or the audience will
lose interest. There are just too many exchanges between
characters and their speaking seems mostly for exposition
rather than character development or to push the action
forward. It’s the weakest part of the story especially
compared to the beginning and ending where the action is so
fast-paced and snappy. That level of intensity can be applied
to times when there isn’t that much action by increasing the
tension and stakes. What will happen to Junie when she
realizes a friend has been killed? Will Junie begin to
believe the suspect is circling closer to her when every
death is someone she knows? Why is the moment of realization
so important to Junie and the story? Can it be related to the
beginning in some way? In this same vein, the other
characters need to be more developed so we can see the affect
of their respective demises on Junie and each other. The
story has the potential to be a slasher film that separates
itself from the others and developing the characters could
really benefit that. The audience can brush off most deaths
in these sorts of stories quite easily. The ones in Harm
House are memorable because of the method and the stalking.
The groundwork is there so a little more introspection for
them would really up the stakes and the audiences’ stake in
the finale.

12
The ending itself is a happy ending with everything working
out and though that may sound cliché, in the world of the
story and the genre, it works very well. The main character
learns something about herself and grows as a result. It just
needs to be a little more obvious.

Good luck!

13
ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß

YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? x

Is the material ORIGINAL? x

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) x

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? x

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

x
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

x
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? x

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

x
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

x
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

x
other?

Do the first ten pages set the TONE for the rest of the
x
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? x

Does each scene more the story forward? x

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? x

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? x

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? x

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

x
and ability?

14
Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of
x
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? x

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? x

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

x
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: PASS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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15
 COVERAGE, INK. ANALYSIS

TITLE: [title]
LOCALE: England/Hollywood, FL/Denmark
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: Present Day/841 A.D.
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Comedy/Broad comedy/Teen comedy
BUDGET: High
DRAFT DATE: n/a
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE:

A meek eleven-year-old boy has a Viking (from the 9th century)

show up in his life. While the boy hides the Viking and helps
him adjust to 21st century life, the Viking helps the boy become
strong – like a Viking.

SYNOPSIS:

841 A.D. Devonport, England. All hell breaks loose as Vikings sack
and pillage with abandon. Their leader, NJORL IRONSIDE, attacks an
abbey, even though a MONK warns Njorl that “we are the keepers o’ the
Sacred Towel.” Back on the high seas, the Monk is tied to a mast.
Njorl crams the Scared Towel in the Monk’s mouth. The sea becomes
extremely rough. The ship breaks apart. The mast falls on Njorl’s
skull, knocking him unconscious, as the ship disintegrates.

PRESENT DAY. Hollywood, Florida. CLARK KIMBALL (11) and his African-
American friend, BENNY (11) watch a cute girl PAIGE SWANSON (11) walk
by on the schoolyard. Benny encourages Clark to make “a move” on
Paige, but her tough “boyfriend” ALVAREZ, shows up. After school,
Clark goes to the beach, Clark plays with action figures – one is
Thor. Meanwhile, on the sea, Njorl (bloodied) hangs on to his shield
for life. Njorl, with his sheathed ax, washes ashore. Clark discovers
him and gives Njorl mouth-to-mouth. Njorl wakes up. Njorl sees Clark’s
Thor doll and bows to Clark. Clark puts Njorl in a shopping cart and
takes Njorl and puts him in a storage room in his family’s garage.

1
Later, WALTER (40), (Roberta’s second husband) tries to bond with
Clark (his stepson), but Clark is not receptive. Walter thinks Clark
hates him.

Clark shows Benny Njorl. Njorl is grateful to Clark for saving his
life. Later, Benny tells Clark (on a walkie-talkie) about how famous
they will be when everyone finds out about Njorl. But, Clark wants to
keep Njorl a secret. Meanwhile, a reporter for the National
Inquisition, BROCK RODNEY (20s) overhears the walkie-talkie
conversation. Before going to bed, Clark watches a videotape of his
real father – a bass player in a rock band. The next day, Clark vows
to help Njorl survive in the 21st century and wants Njorl to help him
“kick ass like a Viking.”

Rodney tells his boss, LULUBELLE, that he has a great Viking story.
Lulubelle tells him to get photos. Meanwhile, Walter takes Clark and
Roberta to Wacky Mountains. Walter, who works for WackyCorp, has VIP
passes. Meanwhile, Njorl causes havoc in town. A woman who thinks
Njorl is a costumed character from Wacky Mountains, points Njorl in
the right direction. Clark takes nervous Walter on a mega-roller
coaster, but Clark hops off before it starts because Benny calls
Walter on the walkie-talkie and tells him Njorl is loose. Njorl
destroys the “It’s a Tiny Planet” ride. Benny and Clark take Njorl
back to the garage. Roberta is mad at Clark for treating Walter
poorly. Roberta takes away Clark’s TV and puts it in storage (but
doesn’t see Njorl). Njorl destroys the TV. In a voiceover, Njorl says
that he believes he landed in “Iceland” and wants to escape and return
to his home and see his son, Bjorn. Meanwhile, Rodney continues
searching for Njorl.

At school Clark passes a note to Paige. Alvarez sees the note and
later clobbers Clark in the lip. Meanwhile, Njorl sneaks out of the
garage, goes to an inlet and begins building a ship. Later that
night, Njorl sees Clark’s fat lip and threatens to kill the person who
did it. Clark calms him down. Njorl shows Clark how to fight with a
sword. They make a wreck out of Clark’s house. Clark is sent to his
room when Roberta sees what he did. He calls his father, TOMMY – who
is on the road with his band. Clark wants Tommy to visit, but Tommy
says he is too busy. Roberta comes into the room and hugs Clark.
Meanwhile, Njorl keeps working on his ship – and scoring a few babes.
Rodney finds Njorl and takes pictures. Njorl sees Rodney and ties him
to a tree. The next day, in the local paper there are pictures of
Njorl causing damage in downtown Hollywood. At school, Paige asks
Clark about his swollen lip. Clark asks if he can kiss Paige. She
laughs. Njorl shows up on the school grounds and Benny and Clark whisk
him away.

Rodney escapes from the tree. Meanwhile, Njorl tells Clark that you
“never ask a girl for a kiss, you just do it.” Clark acts a bit too
much like a Viking at home and is grounded. Later, Walter “ungrounds”
him. Walter asks Clark about Tommy. Clark shows Walter a videotape.
Walter feels he doesn’t match up to Tommy. Njorl finishes his ship.

2
Rodney leads reporters to Clark’s house. Walter and Roberta chase the
reporters away, but later Clark shows them Njorl. Clark asks them if
he can keep Njorl, but they say no. The police show up to arrest
Njorl. Walter helps Clark by stalling the cops. Njorl takes Clark to
the inlet to see his ship. Clark then takes Njorl to Wacky Mountains
to talk to an employee, STEPHANIE (who speaks Danish). Clark has
Stephanie tell Njorl that that he has traveled through time. The
police appear again. Clark gets into a jeep and drives Njorl to the
ship – chased by the cops. They say goodbye. Njorl sails off.

Njorl sails to his home, but doesn’t recognize it anymore. He goes to

a hill and digs in the ground. Back at school, Clark fights Alvarez
and using his Viking skills defeats him. Then, he kisses Paige. Two
months later at the beach, Benny and Clark see Njorl’s ship again. It
is decked out in jewels and gold. Stephanie is on the ship with Njorl.
Stephanie says she’s going to get Njorl a job at Wacky Mountains.
Days later, Njorl and Clark race through the streets – two Vikings.

3
COMMENTS

OVERALL

An engaging, well-structured, well-written story with a good

deal of solid humor. The story is light-hearted and fun. It
was a quick read. The author knows his stuff and has done solid
work. The premise is not super unique -- we’ve seen this type
of movie before -- but it offers a lot of possibility for
comedic scenes, and it seems to be an evergreen. In other words,
like body-swap and vampire movies, there will always be a market
for fish-out-of-water stories with a kid and an oddball (ET,
Encino Man, etc.)

The story has a solid structure. The tension is good for most of
it – though parts of the second act feels episodic and the
subplots at times slow things down. The second act tension could
be beefed up a bit. The protagonist is an engaging character
and has a solid arc (as does the Viking) -- but both characters
could be developed a further. The secondary characters are
colorful, but a bit stereotypical, particularly for a “teen
comedy” (the audience for the story).

Though it is a broad comedy and the audience will be suspending

belief, there are some believability issues. The story is a bit
predictable in regards to the school subplot, although the
ending is fresh and interesting, the tale overall heart-warming
and fun. The author needs to streamline the story, develop the
supporting characters a bit more, address some believability
issues and use his great imagination to come up with some fresh
scenes that will surprise the audience. The script has great
potential. So let’s look under the hood and give this baby a
tune-up...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CHARACTERS

CLARK – A solid protagonist. He has a good arc – he goes from

being a meek kid trying to adjust to life without his father to
being a confident kid who accepts his new stepfather. And the
Viking helps him get there.

The author should look at the relationship between Clark and his
real father. First of all, it doesn’t seem that Roberta and
Tommy could have ever been a couple. Roberta seems strait-laced
and Tommy is just too wild. Why does Clark miss his father so

4
much, when Tommy was probably never really around, never really
a father to him at all? Is he just acting out against his mom?
Or is it something in dad’s rock star persona that’s appealing,
despite him not actually being in the picture?

Perhaps it would be better if Tommy were NOT a rock star, but

just a man who was unhappy in his marriage and left. The rock
star stuff is a bit over the top and undercuts the touching
scenes between Roberta/Clark and Walter/Clark anyway. Make him
a normal guy and more folks will be able to relate. After all,
how many of us have dads who are rock stars?

Also why does Clark like Paige so much? And why does Paige like
him in the end? Is he just because he stands up to Alvarez?
That’s predictable and a bit shallow. It feels like this beat
needs to be thought through a bit more, because now it just
feels motivated by other movies. Perhaps when Clark finally
stands up to Alvarez, he chooses another girl instead of Paige –
after all, she laughed at him.

WHY is Clark such a meek kid at the beginning? He seems fairly

confident and a bit cocky. Is he meek just because he is in a
new school and because he is without his father? The
contradictions in the way he’s depicted call for a bit of
explanation, or some smoothing out to make him more consistent.
At the same time, let’s work on making Clark seem more like the
new kid. He already has friends (and enemies). When did they
move to this new town and why? How long has Roberta been
divorced from Tommy, and how long has she been with Walter?
Does the Viking simply teach Clark how to fight (and kiss) or
does he teach him something deeper - like how to be strong in
the face of difficulties in life? This might sound like a bit
much for a broad comedy, but if there is a deeper layer here,
then the comedy will be even better.

In short, he’s an interesting young character wuith good

potential for character arc. But let’s be consistent in his
depiction as well as what his exact issue is. It appears that he
learns self-confidence from the Viking, which is terrific. So
let’s make sure we have a few scenes up front that specifically
demonstrate (show, don’t tell) that he is lacking in that area.

NJORL – Great character! Unique, fresh. He is a man who gets

thrown through time and wants to get back home. His
personality, however, seems a little bit different when he
arrives in the 21st century. In 841 A.D. he is brazen, bold,
confident, cocky and calls all the shots. Even though he has

5
washed ashore in a strange land and is saved by Clark, it still
is a little odd that he would take direction from Clark (an 11-
year-old). Yes, he can be beholden to Clark for saving his life
and want to help Clark, but why does he allow himself to stay in
the storage room? Why doesn’t he just sleep by the inlet and
build his ship? Why does he come back to Clark’s house? Also,
is his goal to try to adjust to the “new world” or is it simply
to get back to his home. Perhaps he starts out wanting to “fit
in” in the new world (Iceland), but then he misses his home and
kid and wants to go back.

It would be nice if we saw Njorl interact with Bjorn in the 841

A.D. scenes, so we can see his attachment to his son. Clark
seems to make an arrangement at the end of act one – Njorl helps
him learn how to defend himself and Clark will help Njorl adapt
to the new world. But is this what Njorl really wants? Make
this clearer. If Njorl wants to adapt to his new world, he
should make more of an effort to try to adjust. This would
provide more opportunity for comedy – a Viking trying to
restrain himself. As it is now, Njorl just runs around town
acting like… well, a Viking. It might be funny, at times, to
see Njorl TRYING to act like a 21st century man. As Clark
becomes more and more of a Viking, Njorl becomes more and more
of a normal man. This is what happens at the end, but we should
see more of a progression of his arc throughout the story.

WALTER – A bit too stereotypical. He is a nerdy stepfather who

doesn’t hold a candle to the real rock star father. He seems to
be as wimpy as Clark. Perhaps he is just a normal guy trying to
bond with a kid who doesn’t want anything to do with him. Does
he have to be a wimp?

Let’s maybe think about this another way and try to make him as
fresh as we can. Perhaps HE is an expert on history and is gives
Clark the information about Vikings (rather than from a book).
There can still be awkwardness between the two of them because
Clark hasn’t accepted him yet.

Walter changes at the end when he helps stall the police – but
it is a bit abrupt. Let’s see Walter slowly change throughout
the story as well. Like with Clark, make clear what his arc is.
If his payoff moment is coming around to help the Viking escape,
then logically he should be a guy who follows the rules at all
costs -- a bit of a stick up his butt. So he learns to loosen up
because that’s the only way he can win Clark’s love.

6
And the contrast between Walter and Tommy is too great. Make it
a more subtle, more believable. Njorl is the over-the-top
character here in an otherwise normal world. Keep it that way.
Make EVERYONE else more believable and it the comedy will be
stronger – a classic fish-out-of-water comedy. There has to be a
reason Roberta chose both these men, and if they are wildly
different it seems a bit off -- unless that’s a story issue we
can make hay out of, such as, she dumps carousing bad-boy Tommy
and picks a guy who is super solid but boring.

Let’s see Njorl interact more with townspeople and school kids.
If is a “weird uncle,” let’s see him try to act normal at a kids
party or something. Njorl is often alone building his ship.
That takes away the opportunity for comedy and conflict. Put
him with people (without terrorizing them). That’s where the
comedy gold is.

ALVAREZ – Alas, also a bit stereotypical. Same with Paige. This

whole schoolyard subplot is predictable and a bit boring in an
otherwise fresh script. Find a way to make him unusual. We’ve
all seen the football-playing jackass bully too many times.
Suppose he’s the head of the chess club and gay? Or he is a
young millionaire from some invention? Come up with some stuff
here that’s out of the box and breathe some real life into this
character.

As for Paige -- she can’t just be “the pretty girl.” Let’s see
some interaction with substance between her and Clark. What is
it about her that makes him like her? Do they both play Halo 3
or Plants Vs. Zombies? Maybe she interviewed him for the school
paper. Dig in here and come up with some interesting
interaction. Maybe they can be assigned to work together on a
school project.

ROBERTA – Make her a stronger character. She seems a bit one-

note as well. She’s off to a good start but ultimately we need
to have an idea of why she got out of the previous marriage and
chose to go to Florida with Walter. What does she want out of
life? Does she like being a mom? What is she good at? What are
her quirks, tics, hobbies, foibles, eccentricities? Where did
she grow up? Spend a bit more time developing the female
characters. Male writers often write thin female characters –
take your time, make them fresh, interesting, three-dimensional.

STORY

7
Generally effective, but Act 2 is a bit soft in the area of a
throughline for Clark. Njorl has a more or less clear one --
assemble the parts to build his ship, then escape. But Clark’s
plan seems to be to keep Njorl in captivity, period. Granted
he’s 11 so he probably wouldn’t have the most sophisticated
plan, but let’s think this through a bit more. How can Clark use
Njorl better? As a protector/bodyguard? Personal trainer? Hit
man? Relationship counselor? All of the above? Come up with a
plan here and let’s see if it can at least superficially hold
water. It should also be mentioned here that the young
protagonist faced many of the same issues in ET and didn’t
really have a real plan either, at first. That movie got away
with it because of the heart and humor and characters. And soon
enough, Elliott did indeed have a plan. So let’s have Benny and
Clark strategize and come up with a way to maximize their new
“pet.”

On a minor note, Njorl’s time travel needs to be clarified a

bit. It seems like the Golden Towel had something to do with
Njorl’s getting thrown into the 21st century, but why? And how
come we never hear anything again about the golden towel? How
come Njorl never questions how or why he got thrown out of the
ship? What EXACTLY happened? Why is this towel so magical?
Where did it come from? Where did it go? Where did Njorl get
the jewels? Should we see Njorl hiding the jewels at the very
beginning of the story? In the end, shouldn’t Njorl give some
of his jewels/gold away? This way a bad Viking becomes a good
man. We need to understand (even if it’s just a one-line
explanation) as to HOW Njorl got transported into the future and
how come he can’t go back in time. If he found the golden
towel, could he go back?

The story has a has great sense of humor. However, the use of
scatological humor (farts, vomit etc.) is unnecessary. The
author has created a great comic character (the Viking), a great
comic situation (the Viking in the modern world) and a great
tension – he doesn’t need to rely on these cheap jokes. The
author should eliminate all these types of joke and put in jokes
that come out of the characters and the situations. Yeah, kids
like this kind of stuff, but we’ve seen it SO many times. The
author can do much better.

STRUCTURE

ACT ONE - Nice opening! Don’t think you need the “One minute to
hell” caption. Let’s see Bjorn somewhere in here. Maybe shorten
the opening a bit and get to Clark sooner (perhaps by page 3).

8
Also what is this magic towel? Where did it come from? And WHY
is it magic? Phone call between Roberta and Clark about going
to the beach seems unnecessary. Try to avoid phone calls in the
script. Phone calls are inherently NON-dramatic. The “Thor
action figure” is a bit too coincidental.

Why does Clark decide NOT to have the people at the hospital
examine Njorl? Yes, he tells us later that he’s afraid they
will dissect him, but in the moment we need to see WHY he leaves
the hospital (perhaps there is a crowd gathering around Njorl
and Clark gets nervous.) Keep the Viking dialogue short and
sweet – at times it’s a bit long (we don’t understand any of it
anyway.)

Brock Rodney overhearing Clark and Benny on the walkie-talkie is

too convenient and too much of a coincidence. Come up with a
more believable and more real way that Brock learns about Njorl
(perhaps Brock was at the hospital when Clark came rolling in
with the cart.) Njorl’s voiceover, the Captain’s Log, doesn’t
work very well. It is too expositional and it is odd to hear him
speaking in English all of a sudden. Perhaps he speaks this and
Benny translates. Again, make it short and sweet.

At the end of the first act, Clark and Njorl should make a pact
– I help you, you help me. BUT, it should be clear EXACTLY what
Njorl wants (to assimilate or to go home). Right now, Clark
makes the pact with himself. Overall, a very good end to the
act.

ACT TWO – Good tension in the act and some real fun moments,
but there are a few scenes that have little forward momentum,
such as: Walter and Roberta at the mall, Benny at the radio
station, and Brock being humiliated at the tabloid. Funny bits,
but since they don’t advance the story, that means we have to
jettison them. “Episodic” writing means scenes assembled
together that are not related to a central throughline -- if you
remove one, you’ll never know it was missing. If removing a
scene does not create a plot hole in the script, that means by
definition it needs to get cut or rethought. Think of your
structure in terms of a row of dominoes -- each scene triggers
the next.

Again, what is Clark’s specific goal for this act? To get

Paige? Or is it to help Njorl assimilate into modern society?
Again, make it clear and make it clear what his obstacles are.
That goal provides the mission template, and he needs to be
following it like a laser (despite Njorl pulling him off the

9
rails constantly.) Without this, the act feels a bit adrift.
Come up with that goal to give the act a much-needed throughline
and help the pacing in the process. For example, if Clark’s goal
is to help Njorl get home, then all the scenes need to be about
making the plan and then enacting the plan (and the various
setbacks along the way.)

The Wacky Mountains scenes go on a bit too long. Also it is

MUCH TOO coincidental that Njorl escapes and winds up at the
park at the EXACT time that Clark is there with Walter and
Roberta. Find a reason for Njorl to go there because he knows
Clark is there. You already have him misunderstanding how cars
work, so it’s not a stretch to extend that misunderstanding --
perhaps Njorl thinks Benny’s been kidnapped, and as his sworn
protector, he follows him.

Also, how could Njorl destroy the ride and then get whisked away
by Benny and Clark? Where are the cops? Where are park
security guards? Does he have to completely trash the ride? It
doesn’t have to be SO over-the-top to be funny (also it will be
cheaper to shoot if there is not so much destruction.) Also,
let’s SEE how Benny and Clark get him out of there. Right now
you just cut away with a rather implausible line to explain it
all (although admittedly it is pretty funny.)

Mrs. Flatus doesn’t add much to the script. She can be cut. Why
does Njorl save the Old Man working under the hood of his car?
Njorl is not a man who “saves” people. He pillages, he ransacks
– why does he now want to go around saving people? If the idea
is to show that he’s not just a maniac, then let’s thread this
in a bit earlier as his “Save the Cat!” moment in Act 1.

Clark is weak at school but has no problem talking back to

Roberta and Walter. This is one of those character
inconsistencies mentioned earlier. He should be meek all around
and then at the end learn to stand up for himself in all aspects
of his life.

Why does Njorl all of a sudden want to escape? If so, why does
he keep going back to the storage room? Wouldn’t a Viking be
more comfortable sleeping outside? Again, we could use a bit
more clarity here as to why he sticks around. Something
explaining that he feels he owes Clark his life for saving him,
until Clark grants him his freedom. This could create some very
funny moments of Njorl following Clark everywhere to “protect”
him -- with disastrous results.

10
Why does Paige laugh at Clark, when he tries to kiss her. She
seems to be sympathetic to him – why does she act cruel in this
instance? Let’s SEE how Njorl captures the Cops and how he
captures Rodney. Walter grounded Clark, then he decides NOT to
ground him, just because he wants to find out about Tommy? This
seems odd. Perhaps Roberta wants to ground him and Walter
steps in to defend Clark. The Tommy/Walter contrast is too
big. The end of the act seems to come when Njorl finishes the
ship.

ACT THREE - The new goal for Njorl in this act is to return
home. That works great, but what is Clark’s new goal? To help
him? Again, this is an area that could use a little
clarification. Screenplay structure is like a Christmas tree.
You can’t hang the ornaments until it is standing straight and
tall. So let’s make sure the plan (the throughline) is clear,
and then lay out the scenes in A leads to B leads to C fashion.
For example, the car chase is well-done, but we only see the
police chopper after Clark steals the car. If cops witness the
theft, then the next scene it makes sense for the chopper to be
there, because we’ve SEEN the motivation and thus it follows in
logical order.

That said, the act has some great action and hugely funny set-
pieces. It slows down, however, when they get to the ship and
then Clark takes Njorl to see Stephanie. This is odd. Perhaps
Clark can grab Stephanie and they can go to the ship only once.
Twice to the ship seems like a round trip for nothing – and it
slows down the momentum that you had going. Ending is solid.

DIALOGUE

There are some laugh-out-loud lines in here, and the writer

clearly shows influences ranging from Python to Ren & Stimpy to
Bugs Bunny to Farrelly Bros. There is a real cleverness to much
of the dialogue. Benny’s snarky lines in particular are often
show-stoppers. There are a few groaners here and there as well
(“I know jiu jitsu…”)

The only real weakness with the dialogue is that in a few places
the writer attempts to write dialogue with heart, with only
modest success. This is partly because he can’t resist poking
fun even in those scenes. The problem is that in doing so, it
undermines any actual emotional involvement.

For example, in the heart-to-heart between Walter and Clark,

this would be a great time for some honest, real dialogue. Let’s

11
see Walter’s words actually sting. This will make us feel for
them both -- the hurt step-dad and the kid who’s trapped between
his feelings of abandonment and resentment. Doing so would also
add real resonance to the scene later when Walter finally does
come around and even stalls the cops. Right now that transition
feels more like writerly convenience than a motivated character
arc, because the scenes preceding it were just a bit too tongue-
in-cheek to really propel Walter.

Subtext is another area that could be worked on, particularly in

the Walter/Roberta scenes. There’s a lot that could be conveyed
through body language to define the tension in their
relationship, which has nothing to do with the words being
spoken. Work on adding a layer of subtext into these scenes and
wow, watch those scenes ‘pop’! People love subtext, because we
feel like we’re being let in on a secert -- and also it engages
our brain a bit more as we have to figure things out rather than
the information being handed to us.

MARKETABILITY

As mentioned, the concept is not the most original, but it’s

easy to see someone being interested. There are big, funny set
pieces throughout, and the key dynamic -- Njorl and the boy --
is gold. The big problem is it feels derivative of ET -- but
working in its favor is its broad comedic tone and spoofy
nature. There are even moments in the script spoofing other
movies and product placement -- brilliant!

This may not be a studio film, but there are plenty of places
that could be interested in this as an affordable family movie
in the under $20 million zone. Let’s just make sure we iron out
those throughline and character issues first as well as keep an
eye on the budget.

CRAFT

The writing style is very good. Hardly a typo to be found, as

well as solid knowledge of script format. It’s clear that the
writer has some chops, so I’m confident that he has the ability
to tackle the issues raised herein.

CONCLUSION

I like the script very much. The characters need a bit more
development, the structure needs to be tightened up a bit and
the story needs to be more believable in the “real world” parts.

12
The writer has a great style and is a solid talent. The script
could be a real winner.

I’m giving it a PASS for now but it’s not that far off the mark,
and I feel that if the writer can really knuckle down and
address these problem areas, this one could well become a great
writing sample. Good luck!!

13


YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-developed

X
and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist and

X
not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in his/her

X
quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the TONE for the rest of the
X
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality and

X X
ability?

14
Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of bloat? X

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority of
screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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15
 COVERAGE, INK. ANALYSIS

TITLE: TITLE
LOCALE: DC, in-flight, assorted global locations
WRITER(S):
PERIOD: the present
FORM: screenplay
GENRE: action/thriller
BUDGET: high
PAGES: 113
DRAFT DATE: n/a
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE

As North Korea instigates WWIII with a massive nuclear

missile strike on the U.S., a widower Air Marshal joins
forces with an aging pilot to land the last surviving plane
in the air safely.

SYNOPSIS

Off the coast of Somalia, SOMALI PIRATES raid a foreign oil tanker,
populated with NORTH KOREAN CREWMEN. Instead of finding oil, the
Pirates discovers nuclear warheads, shortly before hidden NORTH
KOREAN SOLDIERS fatally gun down the Somali intruders…

In a Chicago suburb, former Marine CODY WILMOT gives a loving

goodbye to daughter CHELSEA (5) and his mother MIA, as he heads out
for a three-day work assignment. Elsewhere, LEO CROMWELL (61)
attends an addiction-recovery meeting in a church basement.
Meanwhile, MOLLY JAMES (28) finds boyfriend BILLY with another
woman, and storms off with her guitar case in hand. Waiting at an
airport juice bar, Cody notices a TV report, which mentions the
breakdown of talks between the U.S. and North Korea…

Cody boards a 737 plane – Clear Skies, flight 533 -- and asks sexy
attendant SARA to seat him Coach; he clearly has a professional,
as-yet-unspecified relationship with the airline. We soon meet

1
several passengers (big CAL, Wall Streeter VERNON, worried ELIAZAR,
Molly, lovers MILES and TRINA), flight attendants (NEAL and ANITA);
and co-pilot LEO and pilot DALE (40s).

At Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado, USAF Technical Sergeant

CASSANDRA warns MAJOR UZAROWICZ that the satellites comprising the
North Warning System (NWS) are unresponsive. Uzarowicz dismisses
the non-responsiveness as mere technical glitches…

Back on Flight 533, now airborne, pilot Dale speaks condescendingly

to co-pilot Leo, who apparently is just back to work after a stint
in rehab. The flight is destined for Nashville. Cody sits next to
Molly, who peppers him with questions about his military
background; he suspects her peace-nik vibe and remains reticent.
The plane soon passes over Cincinnati.

Meanwhile, Tech Sergeant Cassandra notices another NWS satellite go

dark, and alerts LT. SILAS KIRKWOOD at the National Security Agency
in Maryland. Kirkwood doesn’t believe the situation is dire, but
acknowledges the massive blind spots in the NWS.

Now in the Pacific Ocean, the North Korean-manned oil tanker

prepares its nuclear missiles for launch…

On the 737, Molly playfully chats with Cody, who claims to be a

software-tech salesman. Molly reveals that she works in radio
sales, and teases him about his military roots. In the cockpit,
Dale ignores Leo’s suggestion to disengage the autopilot.
Suddenly, a North Korean nuclear missile whizzes by the plane and
barrels toward Cincinnati. At Peterson, Cassandra and colleague
MCHENRY alert Uzarowicz that 58 North Korean missiles are heading
toward America, all of them launched from tankers surrounding the
U.S. It’s a massive sneak attack…

Leo and Dale argue as their plane veers wildly, and Dale finally
takes Leo’s advice to switch to manual, as passengers panic. Cody
sees the missile descending upon Cincinnati, which is incinerated,
sending up a mushroom cloud. Everyone on the plane soon realizes
that North Korea is the likely culprit, and angry eyes turn upon a
young KOREAN FAMILY on the flight. As Leo coaxes Dale to ascend
the plane as quickly as possible, Cody reveals himself as an
undercover U.S. Air Marshal, and tries to retain order among the
distraught passengers. He reassures them that they will land at
the nearest available airport.

Realizing that his children died in Cincinnati, Dale begins to melt

down, and Leo grows concerned about the pilot’s ability to
function. As the plane narrowly climbs above the nuclear cloud,
passenger Eliazar becomes increasingly distraught, insisting that
the plane arrive at Nashville, where his wife is in critical
condition. Forced to subdue Eliazar with zip-ties, Cody reveals
that his own wife died of leukemia a few years earlier. As things

2
briefly calm down, Molly describes her recent breakup to Cody, who
responds in kind by recounting a haunting suicide mission in
Fallujah, which made him abandon his obedient attitude toward
military authority.

At Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming, American missiles are launched

in a counter-attack…

On the plane, attendant Sara tries to restore calm by serving

drinks. Unable to connect with ground communications, Leo urges
Dale to head toward Nashville as a possible landing site. Cal
tells other passengers that Nashville is too central, that the
plane should land at a remote town. At Peterson, Cassandra and
McHenry inform Uzarowicz that thousands of planes are down; their
job is to help the planes that are airborne to land safely. Cody
tells Eliazar that he must be prepared to move on with his life.
Cal and Vernon confront Cody, and insist that Nashville is not a
safe landing destination due to radiation. Vernon shoves Cody, who
eventually subdues both him and big Cal, with Molly’s assistance.

As the plane descends toward Nashville, the pilots realize that

Nashville has been hit as well. Pandemonium ensues as the plane
starts to overheat and plummet. Cody helps Leo and an increasingly
untethered Dale to regain control of the plane. Leo activates the
standby flight systems, and miraculously pulls the plane out of its
power dive, as a nuclear cloud rises from Nashville. Soon, major
U.S. cities – Chicago, San Francisco, Washington, D.C. – are
incinerated. Cody reminds the panicked passengers that they’re
still alive, and they need to find a safe haven. Cody recalls a
remote destination – Chiapas, Mexico – where he honeymooned, and
suggests that the pilots head in that direction.

Dale rejects the idea, and dismisses Cody, who sobs in frustration
and grief in the lavatory, shocking those who can hear him. Molly
gently reminds Cody to face the situation and to move on, even
though he knows his daughter is now dead. Cassandra finally makes
contact with Dale, who ignores her warning to land beyond U.S.
borders if possible. Leo finally unlocks the cockpit, allowing
Cody, Vernon, and Cal to storm inside and subdue pilot Dale. Leo
becomes the pilot, and Cassandra maps out a route to Chiapas. Soon
after, a nuclear missile wipes out Peterson.

Dale breaks free and urges his fellow passengers to allow the plane
to crash, since everyone they love is now dead. Dale nearly pulls
open the emergency exit door, until Cody talks him down. Dale
grabs Cody’s gun, however, and shoots himself in the mouth. The
bullet cracks a window, pulling air from the cabin. Dale is yanked
into the open window, effectively plugging the vacuum. Cody tells
the passengers that they’re aiming for Mexico, and he quietly tells
young girl DAWN that she can keep the toy plane he intended to give
to his own daughter.

3
Leo notices the plane’s gas level dropping precipitously, but
reassures Cody that everything is going as planned. The plane
takes a winding route toward Mexico, avoiding the nuclear clouds of
decimated cities. Leo reveals that he became addicted to Vicodin
after a shoulder surgery, and accidentally taxied a plane into a
luggage truck. Cody commends Leo’s comeback and realizes the plane
is nearly out of fuel. Leo promises to worry about the landing, if
Cody takes care of the passengers.

Cody prepares everyone for a rough landing, and this time, the
passengers cooperate fully. Cody sits next to young Dawn,
reassuring the scared girl, as the plane descends toward a jagged
mountain range in Mexico. Smashing into a peak, the plane loses a
wing, lurching the passengers violently. Leo struggles to deploy
the landing gear, as the plane careens along a plateau, heading to
a waterfall drop-off. Leo finally engages the landing gear, which
digs into the ground, pushing the nose of the plane into the
ground. The cockpit crushed, Leo dies in a final moment of pride,
knowing that he helped saved passengers.

Cody corrals the surviving passengers to exit the cabin, which is

filling with flames. Cody shoots the stuck emergency-exit door,
allowing an escape route. Everyone escapes, just as the plane
explodes and falls over the drop-off. Devastated but alive, the
survivors huddle together, and Molly gives Cody a kiss. Molly
sings a beautiful rendition of “Amazing Grace” as Cody honors Leo’s
bravery. Molly and Cody subsequently broach the topic of survival,
until an international helicopter rescue team approaches. Though
the future of the world remains deeply uncertain, Cody expresses
optimism for the future of mankind…

4
COMMENTS

OVERALL

[title] is a high concept, commercially viable disaster

script in need of surgical rewrite to reconcile anomalous
plotting, refine character and sharpen dialogue. The project
has a solid foundation and is close to working on several
levels. A thorough rewrite is need though to address
multiple issues, most of which are standard progression
requirements to move from one draft to the next. The
essential template is in place, so the rewrite should go fast
- but the script really ought not be sent out without it.

Let’s take flight...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

STORY

The spine of the story rests on assumptions that should be

strengthened to win audience confidence. Breaking it down:

1. North Korea decides to attack the US with nuclear missiles

launched from empty oil 'tankers' positioned strategically
but undetected around the world.

2. A lone female tech Sergeant at NORAD voices her fears that

missile tracking devices are not functioning properly - she
is ignored.

3. All early warning missile attack and response technology

fails (globally) and thousands of missiles fly through the
sky to hit every major metropolitan target in the US.

4. One lone commuter flight dodges the missiles and surges

over the nuclear fallout seeking to survive and escape to
Mexico.

This is the story of the people on that flight.

If we are to believe #4 (the functioning, emotional, action

and character driven body of this screenplay,) then we must
be plausibly convinced of 1 to 3.

At this point, story setup could be brainstormed for

5
improvement. The essential facts of the premise in its
current form raises countless "but what about x, y & z"
questions (e.g., How can you launch missiles from tankers/how
did the missiles go undetected and if the US systems were
hacked, what about Russia's/Europe’s, etc. Even non missile-
related North Korean movements are being tracked by
satellites, so why does that infrastructure not trigger
alerts...etc. etc.}

STRUCTURE

Except for the flaw in setup logic mentioned above, structure

works well for the rest of the script - although Cody's
(over)reaction at the end of Act Two seems out of character
for him and should be revisited.

CHARACTERS

All characters - except Sara/Neal/Dawn and Asian

Businesswoman - need some calibration - subtly - to add
dimension, most notably Dale, Vernon, Cal, Molly, Eliazar and
Cody. Suggestions would include a slight change in backstory
for the two principals, and general dialogue revisions.

For example:

MOLLY AND CODY - Molly seems a little aggressive, even

predatory and fickle - she's just walked out on her boyfriend
(their fight seemed shallow, not clearly seeing the payoff of
this intro for her character development) - Within hours
she's zooming in on Cody - knowing he's married with a
daughter.

If Cody were a single Dad maybe - whose Mom cares for Chelsea
while he travels - it would increase sympathy and jeopardy
for his character (when the bomb drops) and slightly purify
Molly's (and Sara's) interest in him. Both are made less
sympathetic by their willingness to be home-wreckers -
showing, even in moments of life and death, that they've no
qualms about infidelity or betraying their own gender (Mia).

If Mia were Cody's Mom - the opening sequence would play out
more or less as is - then Sara's exchange with Neal (about
the wife always winning) could be revised to provide the
reveal (making Cody a widower possibly).

Molly's character is undermined by many issues (IMHO) - she's

6
supposed to be feisty, opinionated, ambitious for her career,
outgoing etc. And she is on the page - but she is also
irritating - her anti-establishment dialogue could be
alienating instead of endearing (and she sounds a little bit
silly). It seems at moments that even Cody doesn't want to
get stuck sitting beside her on the plane. Little traits,
like Molly play punching Cody - she does it twice, those are
not very sweet touches. So generally, her speeches and
backstory might be reconsidered. What would make the
audience be invested in her A, surviving the disaster and B,
being Cody's future in this tragic new world. Right now,
this jury's out on both.

Cody is a strong character - but again, I wonder if it might

be wise to reconsider his emotional breakdown at the end of
Act Two? Especially his confessional speech which really
contradicts everything we've known about him - or need to
know to make it to the other side of the disaster. It is
fresh and somewhat original for the genre - but Die Hard and
Bond and all the other hero driven action adventure stories
are beloved because they stay within the rules of the game.
It would be hard to imagine Bruce Willis breaking down (in
front of all the people he's charged to save) in the middle
of the movie (unless it were a plot device to fake out the
bad guy). So while Cody is entitled to tender moments of
vulnerability alone - that's not the same as the public, I am
not worthy, confessional forum given to him here.

LEO

Leo and his backstory work well - but the details of it - and
the manner of the reveal seem a little clunky. We buy that
Cody and he are friends, and so Cody is a good candidate to
explain (the terrible thing that Leo did) but it feels
expositional, like a lost opportunity - Leo should have his
'confessional' moment for himself perhaps - he gets to tell
someone what he actually did - even if it's Cody.

DALE

Dale's emotional temperature goes up and down - and the spine

of his character goes in and out of focus. One minute he's
super confident Captain putting down an older, clearly more
experienced Vet Pilot - the next minute he's crying. Then he
pulls it together again to stand up to Cody, then he's crying
again. Generally, it would help to go through his dialogue
with Leo for both character and plotting details - because

7
even with two reads of those sequences, the clarity was
missing - especially given the fact that Dale loses all
control, shows his cowardice and almost kills everyone. He's
supposed to be the Captain. That's a very steep character
fall which needs to be handled more carefully. And If he
does believe they're all going to die, what's his hurry
anyway? (His actual death scene played out well - but the
consequences got resolved sort of magically fast. And raised
the question, wouldn't passengers get sickened by the nuclear
pollution in the air?

VERNON and CAL

Both had very obvious - on the nose dialogue - and their

challenge to, and conflict with Cody felt manufactured. It
would be a good idea to go back through each of their
speeches and see if there aren't more subtle ways to convey
the character conceit intended. For example, Cal asks if
there's any news on a blackberry, seconds after the explosion
hits - seems out of context and weakens the scene. If the
point is that he is that pesky guy, then capitalize on the
conflict and have someone tell him not to ask stupid
questions.

SARA vs MOLLY

Sara's character worked very well - except to say that she

kicked Molly's ass on the likability scale and left us
wondering why Cody would not fall for her. So Sara is a
barometer for the work that remains to be done on Molly.

ELIAZAR

Even though he has a small part, his character is crucial for

conflict and tension early in Act Two and should work better.
When he does enter the scene, he kind of springs out of
nowhere and his motives are bewildering. Everybody on the
plane is traumatized and wants to get to their family - so he
needs another, more plausible reason to behave as he does and
make sense. It would help to introduce him earlier in pre-
boarding - to give him a justifiable jeopardy so that the
audience accepts that the stakes are higher for him in the
moment he loses it. Maybe we first see him sweating it on
the phone - his child/wife has been in an accident - he's
trying to make it back to Nashville to get to the ER - he's
already in the grips of life and death - so his freak-out is
sincere, not just organic to crisis context.

8
PLOT LOGIC -

We've looked at problems with story setup in general - and

page 21 starts the specifics of the issue. It's plausible
that Cassandra gets the brushoff from her Commander - but
then to see Missile Defense Shields at 34% capacity because
of across the board system failure - those are metrics
overseen by thousands of eyes in countries all over the world
- NORAD would be at Def Con 1 at a far lower % failure. So
a better reasoning/logic needs to be set up by this point.

Also, didn't Cody - a lowly air Marshall get a Charlie

warning before he boarded the plane? What was it, and how
did it relate to the Norad alerts? If warnings like that
were sent out - why were any flights allowed airborne?

p 26 - The missile flies past the cockpit - it's okay that

the passengers/crew would have no idea how missiles could get
so far into US air space without shields going up - but not
okay for the audience ultimately to not really understand
how.

The next issues rest with plot logic in actual sequences (not
general story) -

The sequence onboard between the time everyone saw the

missile to the time it exploded feels stretched - and the
tail spin effect on the actual aircraft itself seems to have
left people able to move about and do things that seem
unlikely - it might help to revisit this and other similar
sequences to tighten them all up.

When Leo realizes this version of the 18 year old plane was
built with an emergency back-up system, he needs to shout
that out - it's a major plot point for the sequence that's
left in action description now.

Later, also in the cockpit when the fuel gauge goes from half
to zero - we need more clarity on what actually happened.

TONE - Very good generally. Nice roller coaster action

terror ride. Occasional lapses in dialogue which need to be
looked at - see Molly, Cal & Vernon. And further little
tonal lapses such as when Neal grabs the gin - might be nice
touch elsewhere, but jarring in this exact moment of high

9
crisis.

MARKETABILITY

Script could have real legs after the next draft.

MISCELLANEOUS

Opening - "Ripping through space, past galaxies and swirling

nebulae and planets and finally a gorgeous blue-green world
lit by a brilliant yellow sun, and we CONTINUE zooming
through the skies until we find..."

Note: too many "ands" here.

Leaders’ dialogue p 2. - a tad too expositional/on the nose

LEADER
Don’t worry. They know better than to
fight back. We will treat them well
until the ransom is paid for their
cargo. It is all a business
transaction.

Likewise the NK General p 4:

NORTH KOREAN GENERAL

Dump the bodies. Continue our course.
The Supreme Leader’s greatest moment
is in sight.

Description p 4. "It goes down flatulently" - rethink

descriptions like this.

Chelsea's dialogue "seriously" (She is 4, so make the joke a

little more subtle).

Then Cody's statement - she is four - it didn't have a

question mark, but the point was confusing. Is he suggesting
he didn't know how old she was? Is Mia suggesting that?

Cody's cell phone plays "Limelight" by Rush. Better not to

i.d. the ringtone.

p 10, Neil is misspelled. Elsewhere = Neal.

A note here about character descriptions in general. Maybe

10
take another look at all of them - We're told Cody is a Texan
(maybe belongs under his first speech to give us accent
reveal since it's not a character description, well, maybe it
is).

Miles is introduced/described as a "teaching assistant" -

find a visual cue to suggest character not occupation.
Likewise with Dale - "charming but a bit of a dick" - we will
get to know him through his actions but it's a cheat here.

Note on further minor dialogue issues. Some dialogue happens

as asides by the character to self - :

Cody
p 8 "I'll bring you back an airplane."
p 10 "Jesus Christ, what the..."

Molly
p 16 - gives herself a pep talk in the mirror - maybe it
could just be put in the lyrics she belts out to herself
instead
p 22 "Oh man, what the fuck is going on."

Asides in dialogue dip the level accomplished elsewhere in

the script - and add nothing.

Error on p 59 Says "Dale takes the Captain's chair" should be

Leo.

p 72 "She strides forward." Should be 'he'?

p 74 says its a Chinese Missile - but isn't it North Korean?

p 76 Sara backs off because Eliazar looks at her - why would

his interest affect her struggle for Cody with Molly?

CONCLUSION

[title] has commercial potential. It has a great title. The

story of a lone commuter flight trapped airborne in the
middle of a nuclear attack is fresh, original, and highly
saleable. The script needs a very careful reworking for
story, dialogue, character and plotting - but all the vital
ingredients are there. Would recommend looking at scripts
for Flight of the Phoenix, original and remake; Top Gun;
Passenger 57; Air Force One etc. - especially to study timing
and plotting of action sequences in blocks to reconcile some

11
pacing and logic issues as the action unfolds. Good luck
with the next draft - make it fly!

12


YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

X
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

X
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

X
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the TONE for the rest of the
X
story?

Is the TONE consistent throughout? X

Is the story mythology/world-building well-developed

X
and effective?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X

13
Is the plot conveyed clearly, with enough direct
X
exposition?

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

X
and ability?

Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of

X
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X
genre or tone?

Does the script have a clear THEME or THEMES?

X

Does the story have a clear target audience, and

does the tone of the script reflect that audience from X
start to finish?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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15
TITLE:
LOCALE: Suburbs/NYC area
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: Present
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Drama
BUDGET: Low
DRAFT DATE: Unknown
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE: A high school senior, and her younger sister,

learn that their loving father is a cross-dresser. The
family struggles to deal with this as the girl prepares for
her high school graduation.

SYNOPSIS:

Present Day. Suburbs somewhere. Two teenage girls, HOLLY

and JESS ride in a convertible. Holly taks about her
boyfriend Tyler and also says her younger sister, CAITLIN,
went away with her friends for the weekend. Jess drops
Holly off at her house. Holly walks in, sees her father
JOE, wearing his wife’s dress, sandals and makeup. Holly
confronts her father, but just says everything’s okay.
Holly runs to her bathroom, locks herself in. Joe leaves.
Later, Holly tells her mom, SUE, what happened. Sue isn’t
surprised and says she “caught him” several times. Holly
can’t understand why Sue is still with Joe. Sue says she
is because of “you girls.” Sue also says that Joe doesn’t
think there is anything wrong with it. Holly says everyone
thinks Joe is the greatest dad in the world. Sue says she
never wanted Holly to find out. Holly is disgusted.

Caitlin is with her friends LINDSEY and NICOLE. Holly

calls, tells her what happened. Caitlin is shocked. Holly
says that Joe may have been drunk. Caitlin says “dad
doesn’t drink.” Sue takes the phone from Holly. Sue tells

1
Caitlin everything is going to be alright, but says her
father is a transvetite. Caitlin feels sick. Caitlin wants
Joe to go to therapy. Caitlin cries in the bathroom, then
rejoins her friends, says her parents got into a fight. Joe
calls the house. Sue confronts him. Joe laughs, thinks
Holly freaked out too much. Holly doesn’t want to talk to
him. Joe calls back, talks to Holly. Joe tells her he has
done it for as long as he can remember. Joe says Sue
married knowing about it. Holly tells him he’ s hurting
the family. Joe says he doesn’t want to be a woman, he just
likes doing it. He says he did go to therapy once, but felt
he didn’t need it. Holly says she won’t talk to him until
he gets help.

Therapist’s office. The family meets with a THERAPIST.

Holly says she doesn’t know her father and is pissed off.
Holly does say that Joe is a good father – helpful and
dependable. But she says transvestites are psychos. The
therapist says many straight men are transvestites. Joe
says Holly has caught him before, she just didn’t know it.
He tells the story of the day she almost caught him.
Caitlin says she once thought he slurred his speech. Joe
says he doesn’t remember being drunk. Caitlin says he used
her clothes and tells about when she found her clothes had
been stretched out. She felt she couldn’t trust him.
Caitlin had a boyfriend, TOM, put a new lock on her room.
But later, she finds her clothes in her father’s gym back.
Sue says she feel that her marriage is a sham and has lived
with this secret for too long. Sue said she never new it
was a “problem” before they got married. The girls don’t
care if their parents get a divorce. Joe doesn’t want the
girls losing respect for Sue. Caitlin feels that Sue has
deceived them too. Joe says it started when he was 10 and
two girls next door dressed him up in girl clothes. Joe’s
father catches him and yells at him. The therapist asks Joe
if had been sexually abused – but he doesn’t have to
answer.

Holly sits with TYLER and her friends Jess and KRISTY. They
talk about their feelings about their upcoming graduation,
Kristy talks about her mother who’s going through chemo and
how hard it is on her. Jess talks about her mother’s temper
and how strict she is and how she disparages her in front
of her friends. Jess says her father doesn’t do anything
about it. Holly says it will be nice to live away from “our
parents.” Holly tells them she has a hard time with her
parents too, but they don’t believe her because they think

2
her parents are perfect. She gets upset. Jess says she
would love to have a father like Joe. Holly freaks a bit,
then calms down. Holly and Tyler leave. Kristy says Holly
is a “drama queen.”
Tyler tells Holly her friends weren’t putting her down.
Holly tells him she is just worried and sad that school is
ending. They tell each other “I love you.”

Holly sees woman’s clothes in her Joe’s gym bag again.

Holly and Caitlin talk. Holly hates that everyone thinks
they have a perfect family. Holly says she would never tell
anyone because it’s too humiliating. Caitlin says it’s
going to be hard on her when Holly goes off to college.
Holly says Joe is selfish. They avoid Joe.
Caitlin goes over to her friends house and sees pictures of
a bachelorette party in New York city where the waitresses
were drag queens. Lindsey calls them freaks. Caitlin goes
in the bathroom and cries. Graduation Day. Holly tells
Caitlin that she wrote a letter to her father telling him
not to come to the graduation and that she does not want
him in her life anymore. Joe read it and put it back in her
room. Holly and her friends gather to take pictures. Sue
is there, Joe isn’t. GRADUATION. Sue and Caitlin watch
Holly graduate. Holly looks for her father, but doesn’t
see him. But Joe is sitting alone in the back. After the
graduation Holly hugs Sue and Caitlin, then they walk
away. Holly sees Joe and… runs over to him and gives him a
big hug.

3
COMMENTS:

OVERALL – This is an engaging story about a young teenage

girl who discovers that the father is a cross-
dresser/transvestite and how it affects their relationship
and their family. The story is unique and deals with an
issue that is not often represented in films. The tone and
mood of the story are good. The world that the story is
set in is clear. There is good emotional truth in the
story. The structure of the story needs work. The story
is told mostly through dialogue. Screenwriting is a visual
storytelling medium, so there needs to be more showing and
less telling. There is not enough action in the story to
keep the audience fully engaged. The plot points are soft
and the story needs more “substance” a stronger narrative
engine to keep the audience engaged. Some of the scenes are
repetitive and we are reminded of information that we
already have seen or knew. The dialogue is a bit “thick,”
again because the author uses the characters to tell about
their feelings rather that showing us them. There is a
good story here. A family coping with a unique problem and
a daughter coming to grips with a “problem” her father has,
even though she loves him very much. The characters
however, don’t always feel believable and fully motivated.
The ending is very sweet and touching. The story and
premise have a great deal of promise, but the execution
needs to be much stronger.

So with that said, let’s look at the details and try to

make this script live up to its full potential.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CHARACTERS

HOLLY – A good, emotional character – one that will

attract actresses. But the author needs to dig deeper into
this character and into her relationship with her father.
The best protagonists are 1) believable 2) motivated and 3)
sympathetic. Holly is sympathetic because she has learned
a secret about her father and it scares (disgusts) her. We
feel for her, but she would be more sympathetic if we knew
her more. The whole story starts a bit too soon. Holly is
out with her friends then comes home and catches her father
dressed in woman’s clothes and makeup. The problem is we
never get to see what their family was like BEFORE this
incident. Yes, we are told over and over that Joe is a

4
good father and a good man, but we don’t see it. We can’t
fully sympathize with Holly unless we understand her and we
can’t understand her unless we know the family dynamic
BEFORE the incident and AFTER. Also, she comes off a bit
cold. It’s tough to sympathize with a girl like that. Yes,
it is something very difficult to deal with and the
audience sides with her, but she calls her father a freak
and a “psycho” and really reacts very strongly, which is
good because the ending is more powerful. BUT, we should
see that she is more conflicted earlier in the script. Her
father is a good man, but he has this “problem.” Yes, she
is angry that her father does this and has lied, but isn’t
she angry also that her image of her father is no forever
shattered. Show ALL sides to Holly so that she feels like
a three-dimensional person, not just a girl who is angry.
She is believable because she doesn’t know what to make of
the whole thing, but we need to REALLY understand her
anger, so that when she writes the letter at the end, we
feel that it was the right thing to do. Her father does
not seem to be an alcoholic, though there are hints that he
is, so his only transgression is that he is a cross-
dresser. Why does she want to disown him? We need that to
be believable, because the ending will be stronger. Just
go through and make sure, in every instance, she seems as
real as possible.

Her motivations are a bit fuzzy sometimes because we don’t

know what she wants. Every story can be described this
way: somebody wants something DESPERATELY but is having
DIFFICULTY getting it. What does Holly want desperately?
Does she want her father to give up dressing like a woman?
Is that what she wants? Or does she simply want to have him
out of her life? She has to actively PURSUE this goal
throughout the story. This is the narrative engine that
DRIVES the story. What does she want? WHY does she want
it? Those are two important questions. Her GOAL is often
described as the “WANT” of the character – what they are
trying to accomplish in the story. Every protagonist also
has a “NEED” – meaning that there is something lacking in
their character at the beginning, but is “healed” at the
end. Every protagonist usually goes from being a
PERSONALITY to PERSON in a movie. That is the character
arc. How is Holly a better person at the end? It seems
like it is because she is more accepting as a person. That
is great. The problem is that there is no arc. She is angry
for the whole story, then she is warm at the end. We need
to see her SLOWLY change over the course of the story.

5
Again, make her more emotional and complex (as a human
being.)

CAITLIN – Holly’s younger sister. She is another good

character, but we need to know more about her as well,
particularly her relationship with her sister, her mother
and her father. Caitlin and Holly should be different and
should react to the situation differently. They could
almost be the same character in this story. How is Caitlin
different from Holly? How does Caitlin handle the
situation differently then Holly? What was Caitlin’s
relationship like BEFORE the incident? This is important –
that’s why we have to see the family for a few scenes
BEFORE the cross-dressing incident happens. We have to know
how this incident changes the family dynamic. Perhaps
Caitlin isn’t bothered by what her father does? Perhaps
Caitlin knew about it? Also, what is Caitlin’s
relationship like with her sister? They are two teenage
girls - most likely there is some conflict between them.
They seem to get along well. This is a (TITLE) so ALL the
relationships should be complex. Highlight their
differences. Also, what is Caitlin’s relationship to her
mother like? How is it different from Holly’s relationship
with her mother?

SUE – This character needs more development. The teenage

girls are easier to get invested in. But both parents are a
bit thinly drawn – they don’t feel as real as the teenage
girls. Sue doesn’t seem consistent, she seems angry when
they are at the therapist’s office, but then she seems
accepting and a bit “clueless” when she is at home. How
long has Sue REALLY known this was going on? She MUST have
suspected something. She MUST have confronted Joe about
this before. If so, when? And what exactly has she been
doing to help Joe overcome this OR has she just accepted
that this is the way that he is and he’s a good man. She
seems a bit weak in this story. She NEVER did anything
about her husband and it’s her daughter that seems to make
the decisions (about going to therapy etc) and she seems to
accept the fact that Holly doesn’t want her father to be at
the graduation, which is fine, but it would be nice to see
a real human scene between Sue and Holly about this issue.
Dig deeper into Sue’s inner life. Who is this woman? What
are her hopes and dreams? Really, WHY has she stayed with
Joe? Is he a great husband as well as father? Give her
more of a personality.

6
JOE – Is probably most thinly drawn character of them all.
He is a bit of a mystery. He seems callous when Holly
first confronts him about catching him cross-dressing. If
he tries so hard to keep it a secret, why is he so
nonchalant when she finds out AND if he thought it was no
big deal, WHY does he keep it a secret for so long? Also,
it is not clear if he is an alcoholic or not? If he’s NOT
an alcoholic it makes the situation more interesting. We’ve
seen so many stories of family’s dealing with an alcoholic,
but what makes THIS story interesting is that we have
rarely seen a film dealing with a cross-dressing father.
That is good. There is no need to make him an alcoholic.
There are some basic things we need to know about Joe.
Where does he work? Where is he from? WAS he sexually
abused as a child? This is very important. The therapist
doesn’t want Joe “to answer the question” but the audience
DEFINITELY wants to know and we want to know how that
impacts the way he is behaving. We want to have sympathy
for Joe as well. Right now, he feels cold as well. We are
constantly told what a good man is, but we NEVER see it.
Again, that’s why we have to see him interact with his
family before the incident. Also, we never see his
REACTIONS to anything. We don’t SEE how he reacts to the
letter. We don’t SEE how he is when his daughter confronts
him with what she saw. It would be better if they were in
a room together and that we saw how they were with each
other. Let’s see him at work. Let’s see him interact with
his wife. We don’t know anything about him. Make him a
full, three-dimensional man. Right now, he feels like a
caricature.

TYLER – What role does he play in all this? Perhaps Holly

should talk to someone outside the family and tell them
what is going on. He would be a good choice. They’re
relationship seems perfect. Is it? What are his struggles
in life? The girls all seem to be dealing with something,
but Tyler doesn’t seem to be.

HOLLY’S FRIENDS – Jessica and Kristy are good. They both

have unique problems, but we want to see MORE of how they
interact with Holly. Okay, they think that Holly has the
perfect life and that they have real problems, but perhaps
it would be interesting to see even more conflict between
these girls and Holly. We need to see how this affects
Holly and her life. Perhaps the whole thing with her dad,
causes her to get into problems with her friends. That

7
would make these scenes more interesting. Show that Holly
really IS a drama queen.

CAITLIN’S FRIENDS - Not much here. They just react to

Caitlin. Probably should just use one girl, so we can get
to know her a bit more. Also, TOM is odd. It’s odd that a
father would let a young boy into his house and changes a
lock on his daughter’s room. And who is Tom? We never see
him again.

STRUCTURE

The structure needs work. Probably best for the author to

pick up a screenwriting book like Syd Field’s “The
Fundamentals of Screenwriting” to help get the structure
down. First of all, again, the protagonist needs to have a
goal that she DESPERATELY wants and there needs to be
STRONG OBSTACLES that keep her from achieving. Make sure
this is all clear. The first act sets up the protagonist
and the other characters. It also gets the audience
invested in the protagonist’s goal and the journey we are
about to go on. We need to be brought close to the
characters and REALLY get to know them. Again, here the
first act needs more of a setup of the family – we need to
see how they are BEFORE the incident. The end of the first
act has to be strong. It should occur between pp25-30.
The protagonist (Holly) has to make a decision, a choice.
Then, in the second act we will see her pursue that choice.
Here, it seems like Holly decides that she doesn’t want
anything to do with her father anymore and in the second
act we will see if she can do that. That’s what she wants,
but there are pressures (she IS conflicted) that makes her
wonder whether the goal she is pursuing is right or not.
The SECOND ACT is the meat of the story. The second act
has to have a strong, dramatic drive. What is Holly
ACTIVELY pursuing? What are the obstacles that are keeping
her from getting what she wants? What are the conflicts
between Holly and Sue, between Holly and Caitlin, between
Holly and Joe? These all have to be clear. The tension has
to escalate in the second act. It should seem by the end of
the second act that this family is falling apart. The
author needs to ratchet up the tension, keep making it
harder and harder for Holly – NOT easier and easier. The
end of the second act is often referred to as THE BIG
GLOOM. Since, this is a happy ending, the end of the second
act (between pp. 75-85) is when Holly looks like she will
never get what she wants, or it is when the family feels

8
like it has totally fallen apart. What is the worse
situation for Holly? That is the lowpoint, the end of the
second act. The THIRD ACT has Holly pursuing a new goal.
Maybe in ACT TWO Holly was trying to make it work with her
father and at the end of the second act she gives up. In
the THIRD ACT, perhaps she strives to distance herself from
her father. Holly’s goal in the third act should be
different from her goal in the second act. No matter what
it is, it has to be CLEAR what Holly is pursuing in the
third act. The screenplay should end on pp 100-110.
Somewhere in there…

FORMAT – Two small notes. Never use CUT TO: in a

professional script. You don’t need it. Don’t use
“begins” or “starts”… Just use active verbs, present tense
only. You have “begins” often in the script. Cut them or
reword the sentence. The author might want to buy scripts
from a place like www.scriptcity.com to see how a script
really looks.
VISUAL STORYTELLING – This is a big note with this script.
The author has the characters TELL us most of what we know.
Film is a visual medium. We need to SEE, through the
characters ACTIONS. That’s how we learn about the
characters, not through exposition

SCENES – There are a lot of scenes in this script with

characters chitchatting with each other or bantering with
each other. No. EVERY scene in a script needs conflict.
EVERY SCENE! Conflict is defined as characters with
opposing intentions. If a scene does NOT have conflict, it
has to be cut or reworked. AMD the author needs to make
sure EVERY scene accomplishes two things: 1) moves the
story forward 2) expand our understanding of the
characters. If the scene doesn’t accomplish both, it has
to be cut or reworked.

TITLE -- (TITLE) is too generic. MANY, MANY films could

have that title. Although maybe that’s the point. Still,
in this readers opinion, it could backfire. This story
reminded this reader of “The Ice Storm” or “Ordinary
People” or “In the Bedroom.” The author is creative and
talented, she should have no problem coming up with a
stronger title. Titles are VERY important in Hollywood,
some scripts sell on the title alone. Spend time making
the title a good one.

9
GENERAL – There are many nice moments in this story and
the author has an engaging style. The story needs more
“meat” on its bones – more tension, a stronger dramatic
engine and more emotions. The story is unique and fresh. It
does have good potential. Good luck!

10
 

Excellent Very Good Good So-So Not Good

Artistically
X

Commercial X

Premise
X

Story
X

Main
Characters X

Minor
Characters
X

Dialogue X

Visual X
Elements

Title
X

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: PASS

11
 COVERAGE, INK. COVERAGE

TITLE:
LOCALE: Seattle
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: Contemporary
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Romantic Comedy
BUDGET: Medium
DRAFT DATE: n/a
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE:

Love slowly blossoms when a high school student meets the pop star he idolizes.

SYNOPSIS:

Brad Kelly is a shy and sensitive high school junior—save for best friend Trevor,
he’s pretty much an outsider. His interest in gardening does nothing to help his
status with the popular crowd at school. He’s also consumed with fantasies
about Star McCarthy, a world-famous pop singer. She’s on tour and will soon
perform in Seattle—Brad feels certain it is his destiny to meet her, and he is
convinced that if he can get in the front row, their eyes will meet and she’ll share
his amorous feelings.

Unfortunately, it’s one fiasco after another as Brad tries to purchase tickets. He
is forced to view the concert from the nosebleed section, and can barely see her
onstage even with the help of binoculars. But he gets another chance when
Star’s manager Anna coerces the singer to sign autographs at the mall the next
day. Brad optimistically gets in line, only to have Star leave before he can
approach her. Star prepares to hop in her limo when she discovers that her
beloved dog Sammie has escaped. She and her entourage desperately search
for the pet; when she emerges from a room right in front of Brad, the teen faints
straightaway. Star pursues Sammy outside; the dog runs across the street, and
Brad heroically risks his life to save the canine. A truck nearly hits Brad, but
Sammie is safe. Star hops in the limo with her mascot, never realizing Brad’s
courageous role. But back at the hotel she realizes she lost a diamond earring,
given to her by Landon, the hunky singer she dates. But Brad found the diamond
and manages to track Star down to return it to her. She is impressed (yet initially
skeptical) that he selflessly wants to return the earring, wanting only the privilege
of meeting her.

1
Star is about to hit the road again, but realizes she can’t deal with the stress of
watching over the dog. Her father, who now lives in Seattle, is unable to watch
Sammie due to a business trip. Star is unwilling to board the pet with strangers
in a kennel, so she calls the one person she feels she can trust. Brad happily
takes the responsibility, and even refuses payment for his efforts. He meets Star
on the tarmac of the local airport, picks up the dog, and says farewell to the jet-
setting pop star. Despite this miraculous turn of events, he realizes he can’t
confide in anyone but Trevor, due to the seeming absurdity of the story.

Things begin falling apart for Star—she’s sick of the hollow life of an entertainer,
and Landon cheats with another woman. Brad consoles her about Landon, and
ultimately offers sage counsels rationalizing her wealth and fame, which is in
marked contrast to the abject poverty many face. Lyndsey, Star’s best friend,
urges her to consider dating Brad, because he is smart, sensitive, and honest.
Star dismisses the idea.

Star finally returns from tour and visits Brad to pick up Sammie. He shows her
around the simple suburban house, and then takes her out back to dazzle her
with his amazing gardening work. They draw closer and eventually kiss a single
time. Brad is of course thrilled! Soon after Star leaves, Brad calls to ask if she’ll
perform at his high school’s spring dance, and she accepts.

But not everyone is so happy at this growing bond—Anna thinks the relationship
bad for PR, and considers the concert a career killer. And Landon keeps
attempting to win Star’s love back; he ultimately succeeds, but the power-couple
is prevented by their hectic careers from spending time together. Still, things
seem to be going well for Star—and terribly for Brad. She tells the teen that
there’s no hope for a love affair, and she reneges on her plans to play the dance.
Brad of course is thoroughly discredited at school.

But the tables are soon turned when Star again catches her man cheating. It’s
finally over this time! Despite his regrets, Brad attends the dance, but all he
experiences is humiliation from his classmates…that is, except from Trevor and
Chloe, a nerdy girl he was previously not interested in. Brad and Chloe share a
tender dance just as Star and her band arrive. They rock the house on one tune,
and Star invites Brad up onstage. They make plans to spend the summer
together, then ride off on a Harley.

2
COMMENTS:

This is a somewhat modest story (meaning sweet and simple, rather than a high
stakes thriller or over-the-top comedy), and the writing craft is at times superb.
The first twenty pages or so are close to flawless—the “quest” for the protagonist
is clearly established early; dialogue is snappy and witty; humor is wry and
sophisticated; we learn many nuanced details about the protagonist via
thoroughly subtle indicators as opposed to gross exposition; and scenes often
cut with precision to subsequent scenes, so the pace is close to perfect.

The downside is that pace slows severely even before we’re out of Act I, and the
protagonist lacks a clear quest in Act II. Many of the scenes in the middle of the
screenplay are far too long, and do not drive the story in the sense of intensifying
or resolving conflicts. The protagonist has a very shallow transformational arc—
he does not grow or change much as the result of his experiences, and this
lowers stakes considerably.

Most of the problems in this screenplay concern PLOT and

CHARACTERIZATION. We’ll look at these together, since they are so
interdependent in this case.

CHARACTERIZATION/PLOT: Brad is a likeable protagonist. He’s sensitive,

thoughtful, honest, but far from perfect—we commiserate with his shyness and
with his feeling like an outsider. He’s so good-natured, we laugh with him rather
than at him as he fantasizes about the pop star he has no hope of meeting. We
root for him, but we sadly realize he probably has no hope to achieve his dream.
Most enjoyable is the dynamic between Brad and Trevor; their jibes and banter in
the first 20 pages or so are splendid. Moreover, we learn quite a lot about the
inner workings of Brad via very subtle indicators; rather than getting information
via exposition, we see what he is like through his actions, dialogue, gestures, etc.

The big issue concerning the protagonist is that his quest—to meet Star and
impress her enough so that she falls in love—is quickly resolved or at least
diminished considerably. He meets her and makes a fairly good impression early
on, so this is no longer a quest or source of conflict. True, he now has to get her
to love him, but he takes absolutely no active steps to achieve this in Act II. As a
result, we never get the sense that he is on a mission, and we are denied the
satisfaction of watching him struggle to win her over. He basically lets events
happen to him in Act II, and is content to sit back and hope for the best with her.

The author suggests a few valid sources for conflict in Act II—Brad seems to
want to impress his classmates, but can’t claim to know Star because they will
dismiss his claim as bogus. This is quite a crucible! Brad also wants to prove
himself via helping to organize the school dance, but this too is denied because
no one takes this outsider seriously. But these strains are severely

3
underdeveloped: Just as Brad does not take active steps to win Star, he does
not actively try to impress his classmates, and he makes only one feckless
attempt to pitch in with the dance plans. Moreover, it is never clear why he cares
so much about the popular kids. The author should (and could easily) explore
his insecurities and needs for validation from the in-crowd. Act I should firmly
depict Brad as desperate for respect from the jocks and cheerleaders, etc., only
to be a perpetual outsider. This will explain his attempts to pitch in on planning
the dance—and his desire to take a hottie to the event—as ways to boost his
credibility with the elite of the school. This could very well become the focus of
Act II, rather than Brad’s generally low-stakes interactions with Star. Because he
meets Star early on, and because Act II lacks much of an active quest, Star could
possibly serve as an archetype who symbolizes Brad’s longings to hang out with
the elites.

This device will not only give added dramatic weight to the climax (in which Brad
loses the popularity and admiration he so desperately craved), but it will also
permit a much steeper transformational arc. As it stands, Brad does not change
very much in this story. He starts off a decent and thoughtful guy (albeit very
uncool), and he pretty much stays that way as the story progresses. The author
should consider making him dreadfully uncool, only to grow in confidence and
cockiness as his friendship with Star grows; perhaps various kids could come to
believe his story about Star by the middle of Act II, and Brad could wind up on
the fast track to inclusion in the popular set. As he hits this peak, he should kick
his friends to the curb. In this sense, the big fight with Trevor should happen
much earlier, and it should last much longer—Brad should have to struggle to win
back his best pal, whereas it’s not currently a very rocky road to reconciliation.
When Star reneges on her pledge to sing at the dance, all of the popular kids (led
by that nasty jock) should rabidly turn on Brad, believing they were duped vis-à-
vis Star. Brad will now have no one—no Star, no Trevor, and certainly no
popular friends.

We can go one step further with this. The author presents a very sympathetic
character in Chloe. She’s a nerd, probably cute behind her shy façade, and
clearly hopeful for romance with Brad. He doesn’t seem to notice her in that way,
but is basically nice to her. Why not have them tentatively entering a romance
(Brad can even ask her to the dance early on) until he meets Star? As his
popularity magnifies, he can begin to ignore Chloe, thus crushing this poor girl
the way he himself is always crushed by the elites. In the climax, when Brad
realizes how hollow popularity is, he can fight to win back her trust. As it stands,
he gives her a sympathy dance in the climax, but it has absolutely no lasting
meaning…Gee, thanks. One measly dance, then Star shows up, and she’s a
nobody again!!! This is a very unpleasant final image of our hero. It makes his
quest ultimately shallow, and shows he learned nothing from his journey. The
author should strongly consider having Brad abandon his quest for Star in the
climax because he finds true love in his own high school.

4
The first scene is wonderful—we are in the midst of Brad’s fantasy world, and
have no reason to doubt it is reality, until things literally come crashing down on
him. But this juxtaposition between fantasy and reality should be explored much
more throughout the story. As he gets to know Star, Brad should believe he no
longer has need for his childish fantasies, as he’s getting to know the real Star
and is hopeful that in the end he’ll win her romantic devotion. But as he gets
swept up in the excitement of hanging with a celebrity and thus becoming a big
man on campus, he actually enters an even more elaborate delusion. Only when
his world implodes will he return to reality—to Trevor, Chloe, and his family.

Characters in screenplays should usually have a single “superpower” and a

single “kryptonite.” That is to say, while it’s great to have nuanced, complex
characters with many levels, they should have one clearly identifiable trademark,
and one clearly identifiable flaw that will stand in opposition to their primary
quest. The most apparent trademark for Brad is his love of gardening. But this
needs to be expanded. We catch a few glimpses of him working outdoors at
school, but we do not delve into the work he does at home to create the stunning
garden he shows to Star at the end of Act II. Moreover, he displays other,
inconsistent trademarks. There is a brief reference to his skill as a skateboarder
(we never actually see this), and he gives advice to Star about the Apollo
missions—he tells her he’s interested in space exploration, and we see him
working on a model. Everything but the gardening motif should be removed so
that we have a consistent profile of our protagonist. Gardening can serve as a
wonderful symbol of Brad’s fantasy world—he concocts a perfectly beautiful
garden just as he concocts images of the perfect life in his head. His fatal flaw
can be his need for popularity, his need to be justified via the approval of the cool
kids.

Star likewise needs a more consistent profile. Very soon after meeting her we
learn that she is increasingly turned off by the selfish people who clamor around
her. But in the middle of the second act, she seems to be far more turned off by
the shallowness and materialism of her very career. It makes the most sense to
have Star simply crave trust and honesty. She can’t trust the executives around
her, she can’t trust her fans (who all want something from the fantasy life she
vicariously provides), and she can’t even trust her boyfriend. Finally, she meets
the one man she can trust, and she begins to fall for him. The irony can be that
as her love for Brad grows, his trustworthiness vis-à-vis his true friends, will
decline.

Currently, Star has a very shallow arc. She’s already doubting her lifestyle when
we meet her—she expresses several times that she’s considering getting out of
her glamorous but meaningless career. And despite being a bit standoffish
toward her fans, she quickly proves herself a basically sweet and simple teen.
There are two possible solutions here, and the correct one will depend on how
the author decides to re-imagine Brad. If the author decides to give Brad a
sweeping arc, in which he goes from being a shy guy with values, to being a

5
snob and jerk, back to being true-blue, Star could have no arc—she might seem
to be idyllic when viewed from afar by the star-struck teen, but the audience will
realize she’s just a vain celebrity. On the other hand, if the author wants to keep
the focus on the romance with Star, in which Brad and Star ride off as lovers in
the end, she should have a drastically steeper arc, changing from shallow to
substantive due to Brad’s influence. This change will of course reinforce how
good a guy Brad is, but the problem with the latter approach is that it puts the
weight on how the leading lady changes in response to the protagonist, rather
than on how the protagonist himself grows. For this reason, it would probably be
more satisfying to give Brad a sweeping arc and progressively reveal Star as not
quite as idyllic as she seemed.

Trevor is lots of fun, and the author has wisely given him a pay off in the end. It
can’t be stressed enough that the most rewarding aspect of this screenplay are
the relentless barbs hurled at Brad by his friend. If the screenplay could maintain
this playfulness in every scene, we’d have a real winner of a story.

There are probably too many minor characters. Molly and Sean are mainly
nonexistent, so we should probably have no more than one sibling. Several
jocks are presented, including an unnamed LETTERMAN we never see again—
one or two menacing jocks will suffice. Jackson is not crucial to this story—Anna
could cover all the functions of Jackson as he escorts Star to her hotel room, etc.

STRUCTURE: In terms of hitting the major pivotal marks of a three act

screenplay, the author is generally close to being right on the money. We start
off great! There is a strong visual hook on page 1, when Brad fantasizes about
Star, and there is a decisive inciting incident on page 8, when Brad goes on his
ill-fated mission to score tickets.

The plot point setting up the new act seems to be Brad’s discovery of the ring.
This is a powerful way to pivot the story into new territory, but it happens too late.
When Brad returns home and tells Trevor what happened, we have the feeling of
entering a new act. But this only begins on page 40. As noted throughout the
markup, the mall scene is unmemorable and should be cut drastically. Some
suggestions on how to achieve this are given in the markup, but there are many
possible solutions. The vignettes showing the autograph line lack the wonderful
humor of the earlier pages, and are not really important in that they do not
concern the protagonist. The build up with the limo driver losing his spot is not
necessary for creating true conflicts, sneaking across the mall in disguise is not
vital to the story, etc. In fact, the scene could begin with Star pulling up to the
mall just as Brad arrives; Sammie could bolt into traffic, Brad could give chase,
and this could lead to his finding the earring. The mall scene currently stands at
around 20 pages, whereas a more direct set up could occur in just a page or two.

Act III happens at about the “right place” (page 90), when Anna sets up the
reunion between Star and Landon. Subsequent pace is good, although the

6
protagonist would have a much more riveting transformation if he pursued an
active quest and encountered more challenges in Act II. In other words, the
sense of closure for Brad could be far more complete in the climax; due to the
lack of real crises and conflicts in Act II, the events of the final act simply do not
pack the punch they could…issues are being resolved that were not clearly
established as problematic in earlier pages.

STYLE: Overall, style is pretty good. There are a few instances of needless
camera direction (rarely warranted in a spec script); of exposition and telling
rather than showing us subjective states; and of scene transitions that are not as
razor-sharp as they might be. Most of these are indicated in the markup.

The author has a pesky habit of not giving scene headings as characters move
within a general location. These can be subheadings rather than complete
sluglines, but we clearly need to distinguish when we move from, say, a LIVING
ROOM to a KITCHEN. Most of these are marked on the hard copy as well.

As a very general style note, there are quite a few scenes (particularly in Act II),
that are forgettable, and could be ramped up in terms of humor, conflict, and
pace. Most of these scenes are marked in text as well, but again, the 20-page
mall scene is the most glaring example.

MISCELLANEOUS: It’s never clear why the author indicates Olivia and the
principal are friends; this is a narrative dead end which we do not subsequently
explore.

It would be nice to get some examples of Star’s lyrics so that we could learn what
Brad finds so inspirational.

The title doesn’t pack much weight, as it seems to be perfectly literal. It would be
nice if there were some sense of double meaning or irony, but it really is about a
teen’s obsession with a pop star.

CONCLUSION: If the author can live up to the standards established in the early
part of the story, he’ll have a very appealing rom-com on his hands. The most
vital issue to address is the quest of the protagonist (and thus the definition of the
primary plot), and this must dovetail with Brad’s transformational arc.

Good luck!

7
♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

Excellent Very Good Good So-So Not Good

Artistically X

Commercial X

Premise X

Story X

Main
Characters X

Minor
Characters X

Dialogue X

Visual X
Elements

Title X

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: PASS

8
 COVERAGE, INK. COVERAGE

TITLE:
LOCALE: Europe, U.S.A.
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: 1930s/1940s
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Thriller
BUDGET: High
DRAFT DATE:
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE:

The scientific community finds itself embroiled in matters of war and peace as the
nuclear arms race heats up during World War II.

SYNOPSIS:

Berlin, 1938. Professor Otto Hahn sends a letter to colleague Lise Meitner in
Sweden, asking her to check the results of a recent experiment. Lise shares the
data with nephew Otto Frisch and it doesn’t take long before they realize the
atom has been split. In January, Frisch travels to Copenhagen to meet with
Professor Niels Bohr. After briefly meeting Bohr’s assistant Kristine, Niels gives
the scientist the new revelation and before long, Bohr is on his way to America,
where he meets with Einstein, Teller and Fermi, with whom he shares the grand
information.

April, 1940. The Nazis march across Europe and Bohr and Fermi learn that
Hitler is in search of certain materials valuable in the pursuit of atomic energy.
As calls go out for Bohr to become more involved in the creation of an atomic
weapon, he champions the idea that such a device would be the ultimate
deterrent to war, an opinion not shared by everyone.

Kristine and R.A.F. officer Eric Scott flirt as Bohr travels to meet with King
Christian, who champions Bohr as a hero to local Jews. At the War Ministry in
Berlin, Dr. Hahn meets with Dr. Warner Heisenberg to discuss a massive effort to

1
ramp up the creation of a pineapple-sized bomb. In London, Frisch and Eric
discuss a contact in the Danish underground named “Horatio” but are interrupted
by an air raid during the Nazi blitz.

Bohr uses Tom Mix analogies to explain physics to students and is later
surprised to find out that Kristine has an impressive knowledge of war and
weaponry. Kristine heads out to the county to meet up with a group of resistance
fighters as they receive weapons dropped from airplanes above. Heisenberg
continues to trumpet Bohr’s importance, despite pushback from those offended
by the reliance on a “half-Jew” and Kristine starts up a relationship with the
overweight, balding Duckwitz, telling him she practically worships Heisenberg but
learning that the Nazis are banning open discussion of science. She shares the
info with Bohr, who crusades against secrecy.

Heisenberg’s experiments go awry and an explosion tears through the “virus

house.” News of the disaster gets out, along with word that Bohr plans to meet
with Heisenberg, prompting Eric to worry that the Gestapo will soon have Bohr
and thus the tide will shift in their favor. He sends a message to Horatio in hopes
of stopping the Nazis from getting their prize. Duckwitz takes Kristine to meet
Heisenberg and afterwards she heads out with the resistance fighters, including
teenager Jens. Bohr and wife Margrethe argue about his position as Kristine and
the resistance fighters bomb a German freight train.

Heisenberg calls upon Bohr, pleading with him to join the Nazis, if only to slow
down their progress.

Kristin heads to Bohr’s place, overhears the conversation with Heisenberg, and
burns blueprints in the fireplace. Bohr is incensed by what Heisenberg says to
him and he throws him out. Bohr goes to the Royal Theater to see a play.
Kristine is there too and she finds a Gestapo agent and informs the resistance
fighters, who stop an assassin from killing Bohr, despite Duckwitz’s efforts to put
him in the crosshairs. The assassin is killed and is found to have an envelope
labeled “Horatio” in his pocket.

German High Commandant Dr. Warner Best informs Duckwitz that Kristine is
working with them before sending Kristine to find “Knightsbridge.” He further
reveals that the Danish Jews will be rounded up and finished off but that Bohr
must appear to have been killed by someone else, lest his death sway public
favor.

Kristine calls Bohr’s house to tell him that the Nazis are coming so Bohr makes a
daring escape on a bike. He hides out in a shed, then gets help from a baker
before meeting with Kristine and Margrethe on Elsinore Beach. They get in a
rowboat and try to row to safety, though the waters are choppy and patrol boats
threaten to pick them up. They safely make it to a Swedish fishing village,
though, where Kristine meets up with Eric, the two proving to be “Horatio” and

2
“Knightbridge.” They board a train and continue toward freedom and Bohr
becomes obsessed with stopping a Jewish holocaust. Eric and Kristine make
love on the train and as the Germans round up Jews elsewhere, Bohr and crew
make their way to safety inside a Stockholm hotel room.

Bohr meets with King Gustav but is disappointed to find little interest in a direct
appeal to Hitler. Bohr sees photos of Kristine in sexual poses with Duckwitz
before nearly collapsing and when she tries to spirit him away, he goes on the
run again. Kristine gives chase and when Eric questions her, she shoots him.
Her pursuit of Bohr continues until teenaged resistance fighter Jens guns her
down.

Bohr is picked up by the British and flown away in a bomber, which ends up in a
fire fight as Bohr passes out from lack of oxygen.

New Mexico, 1945. Bohr, very much alive, oversees the first atomic detonation
test alongside Oppenheimer, Fermi, and Teller. Meitner writes a letter, praising
Bohr’s efforts, which have helped the Danish Jews return from Sweden. She
also speaks of Bohr’s assurances from FDR that atomic bombs would be used
only as deterrents, even as newspaper reports announce the bombing of Japan.

3
COMMENTS:

OVERALL – (TITLE) is a compelling script with interesting characters, good

subject matter, and strong visuals. About the atomic arms race during World
War II, this script deals with make-or-break issues that literally shaped our world.
While the writers have done a great job of infusing this with verisimilitude, giving
us detailed, layered characters, and dialogue that rings true, there is also a
structural concern here, as the story takes quite a while to progress, struggles to
offer a clear protagonist, and doesn’t make full use of its set pieces. We spend a
lot of time with characters of minor importance and don’t really develop a rooting
interest in a single character until the Third Act. The dialogue, while brimming
with good moments, is burdened with too much of this script’s heavy lifting, with
the thoughts of scientists dominating much of the first half and a visually static
conversation between two men taking up over ten pages at the midpoint. The
fact is that all of the individual details of this script are good – good characters,
good dialogue, good set pieces – but they need to be balanced in a way that
makes better use of them. We need to know our protagonist much sooner, know
what to root for much sooner, and see the story through suspense, action, and
set pieces, as opposed to less visually compelling dialogue scenes. There’s a
ton of great stuff here and the writers’ talents are certainly on display, but in order
to really make (TITLE) a viable spec, another pass appears to be in order.

STRUCTURE/PLOT – All of the pieces of this script are in place. The

characters, the setting, the relationships, the dialogue… it’s all there. Now it’s
time to re-think the structure, to streamline the story a bit and feature the
suspenseful and action-packed moments rather than washing past them for the
sake of dialogue. A smart exercise would be to use a structural template (the
one provided in Blake Snyder’s “Save the Cat” is a very good one but there are
plenty of others that can do the same thing) and plug the beats in. In doing so,
the writers will find that this script is slow to develop in the beginning and lacks a
clear protagonist. By hitting the key structural beats, though, and delivering at
least one big, sharp action/suspense set piece in each act, they can re-shape
what is currently an unfocused look at interesting people in an interesting time
into a sharp, cutting, fast-paced espionage thriller of the first order. Let’s look at
some of the plot points in need or adjustment…

FOCUS – (TITLE) is about something very interesting at its core but the story
utilized to speak to this subject matter is rather unfocused. It’s important to have
a protagonist on a definable journey, as that is where rooting interest comes
from. But who is the protagonist in (TITLE)? And what is their goal? Is it Bohr,
determined to keep scientific discovery public? Or to survive? Or to stop a
holocaust? Is it Kristine, working with the resistance? Or for the other side? Is it
Frisch? Or Eric? It’s very hard to tell, largely because the script opens with the
travel of information from one character to another and even once it’s found its
destination, the use of that information has no clear direction moving forward.

4
Once the information finally makes its way to Bohr, there is a sense that the story
belongs to Kristine, who seems to be the one character with a mission and visual
actions. We see her plotting, making contacts, working with the resistance. This
seems to be the focus of the script in the Second Act. But in the Third Act, it’s all
about Bohr, who outruns his pursuers in the climax and is the featured player in
the resolution. While he was always a part of this story prior to that, most of what
he did was talk. Screenplays are driven by action and audiences respond to
action more than anything else, which is why the natural tendency is to follow
Kristine and even root for her, which makes it a bit unsettling when she doesn’t
turn out to be the most important character in the climax. Identifying the
protagonist and giving them a clearer, more active goal is crucial. This is not to
say there can’t be a lot of moving parts or a complicated narrative. This is not to
say twists and turns revealing people to be something other than what we
thought are a bad thing. But rooting interest is probably the most valuable
element in a screenplay because it is what keeps the audience engaged from
“Fade In” to “Fade Out.” If the story is too unfocused to have that rooting
interest, then there’s a problem. That’s the issue here. Clarify the hero and their
goals and the audience will follow whatever path they may find themselves on.

TONE – Another area for confusion comes from the tone of this script. From the
absent-minded bumbling and Tom Mix hat-wearing antics of Professor Bohr to
the visuals of key characters traveling through forts on skis, the First Act of this
script has a bit of a goofball, comedic tone. But the subsequent two acts are far
more serious, becoming violent and even action-packed in the end. Escalating
the tension level over the course of a script is a good thing but as drastic a tonal
shift as this is can be jarring for the audience. Since the serious subject matter
that dominates the Second and Third Acts is more important than the flippant
portrayals of the First Act, a wise choice would be to employ the more serious
tone from the outset. This is not to say that comic relief won’t work, just that it
shouldn’t work against the overall tone of the story. A modification of the First
Act to match the overall tone of the script will have a positive ripple effect
throughout.

BOOKENDS – This script is bookended by letters, the first from Dr. Otto Hahn to
Lise Meitner, the second from Meitner to Hahn. There is great symmetry in this
device and from a structural standpoint, the writer is to be commended for
utilizing it. That said, there is also a troubling issue with these letters, in that they
are to and from characters who don’t really matter. Though Hahn appears briefly
in the First Act, we don’t ever see him after page 24. Meitner appears even less
in the First Act and then pops up briefly in the resolution as she’s writing the
letter. These aren’t even really secondary characters but tertiary characters.
They are a generation removed from the story itself, really just serving as
expository devices. Since it’s tough to catch hold of a protagonist from the
outset, it’s best not to muddle things by starting and ending the script with two
characters that won’t fact into the rest of the story. The bookends are a good

5
device but unless they feature characters the movie is actually about, they don’t
merit keeping.

ACTION AND SUSPENSE – This script plays best when the suspense is strong
and when there is action to be seen. Air raids, trains being attacked, snipers
putting key characters in the crosshairs… these are the good moments in this
script. They work particularly well with the WWII setting, giving the script an
espionage thriller vibe. Unfortunately a great deal of this script steers away from
such things, particularly in the first two acts, as dialogue tends to dominate the
early parts of the script. But the musings of scientists can only carry the story so
far before the audience will want action, suspense, and visuals. The more the
debate can be seen in the forefront of action, the better. What about opening
with the bombing raid rather than letters? Or the attack on the train? What about
showing that Bohr is being followed early in the script to establish tension? His
talking about scientific principles will only engage the audience so long as they
know that his thoughts are dangerous to the enemy, thus meaning they have a
vested interest in shutting him up. Get to the tension in a hurry and keep the
action coming. That’s the best way to keep the audience on-board for the
discussions.

BOHR AND HEISENBERG – Heisenberg shows up to speak with Bohr on page

54. The conversation, while intercut briefly with a shot of Kristine eavesdropping,
runs on until page 65. That’s a long, long conversation. And while the subject
matter may be important, the reality is that audiences just aren’t going to want to
sit through this much dialogue without more action. Even at half its current
length, this conversation would feel a bit long. This is a major bumping point
halfway through the script, right where things need to turn a corner and start
amping up. While the script does get moving in a hurry about ten pages later,
the reality is that this lengthy dialogue scene just past the midpoint is a problem,
making it hard to keep the audience’s interest until the Third Act kicks in. Trim it
down considerably and keep the action coming.

SET PIECES – Spy thrillers need set pieces and (TITLE) has a couple of them in
the train explosion halfway through the script and the Royal Theatre
assassination attempt near the end of the Second Act. But while the
assassination attempt is drawn out a little bit more than the train attack, the fact
is that both are a bit smaller than they could be. These are moments the
audience will remember. These are moments of suspense and action, the things
that keep audience members on the edge of their seats. But in order to really
command attention they should be drawn out a bit more, hitting the suspense
beats and the actions beats as sequences rather than short scenes. The
assassination attempt does this to a degree but could be expanded a bit more for
impact. The train attack scene is far too brief to be anything more than a
surprise, where suspense and action would be more useful. Expand it and get
the full effect of a useful set piece. Since the script starts a bit slowly, it also

6
might be wise to consider moving the train sequence forward in order to give the
audience needed suspense and action earlier.

THE THIRD ACT – The Third Act stands out in stark contrast to the first two acts,
thanks to the fact that Bohr’s escape attempt gives it action and suspense. It is
powerful stuff, no longer dominated by scientific theory but now utilizing the tools
of cinema (movement and visuals) to drive the story forward. Great stuff here.
Even this could be expanded a bit, though. The bicycle escape is nice but brief.
From there, it’s on to cars, boats, and trains, but in each case, the moments are
a bit too short. Expand each of them by 50 percent, really use them for the sake
of suspense, and the Third Act, which is already pretty strong, will become
amazing.

CHARACTERS – The main characters in this script are individually strong,

although used a bit unevenly in the story. While Bohr and Kristine are both
sharply written, layered personalities, it’s hard to know who to root for, with no
clear protagonist emerging for a long time. The secondary characters also ring
true but again, are ill-fitting into the narrative. Mostly it’s the oversized cast of
scientists that get in the way, as Hahn, Meitner, Einstein, Fermi, and Teller
collectively take up a lot of space but are really not who the story is about.

BOHR – In the end, this character basically becomes the protagonist. But it
takes a long time for him to emerge. For the first half of the script really, the
audience is left without a sense of who to root for. There are so many scientists
and so many people around them, all of whom have their own little stories going,
that it’s only when Bohr goes on the run in the end that we realize it is his story.
As a character, he is a very interesting and likeable one. But the good he does
for the narrative is buried beneath the weight of all the other scientists. Even
though a “scientific community” is a part of the world here, the reality is that we
only need a representative of that community in order to tell the story. Get the
others out of the way, introduce Bohr as the protagonist early on, and the story
will take shape.

KRISTINE – For much of the script, it seems like Kristine is the protagonist. The
information we are given about her early on makes her seem like a prime
candidate. She’s young, works with resistance fighters, has a desire to affect
things in the world. As the story progresses, Kristine proves to be something
different than we originally think which would not be a bad thing if she were more
of a secondary character but since she takes up the space of the protagonist for
so much of the script, it’s a jarring shift when it ends up being Bohr we are
rooting for in the end. Again, a sharply written, interesting character but one that
needs to be used a bit more cleanly in the narrative.

FRISCH – Long before Bohr becomes the protagonist, and even before Kristine
starts looking like she’s the one to follow, the first character that feels like our
hero is Frisch. He is in the opening sequence and travels to spread information.

7
He is an active participation in what is going on and we get a feel for his
personality more than others until… page 25. Then, he’s gone. After the First
Act, he never appears in the movie again. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to
dispense with a character this early in the script, if they’re clearly a secondary
character. But in this script that lacks a focus on a protagonist, this misdirection
is a problem. It throws the audience off, but not in a good way. If Frisch is going
to disappear this quickly, then we shouldn’t know him as the protagonist first. He
should feel like a secondary character and not be allowed to overshadow the
protagonist.

ERIC – This is the character that is used most appropriately. He has exactly the
right amount of screen time for his importance to the story, he’s interesting and
likeable, and his demise in the end is a powerful moment. Every scene he’s in is
better for his presence and even when he dies, it is a good beat, storywise.
Great work with this character!

HEISENBERG – This is an interesting character. His fit in the scientific

community is compelling, as is his relationship with Bohr. But like so many
characters in this script, his screen time is in need of adjustment. He appears
prominently in the first two acts of the script, even dominating the Second Act
with the lengthy dialogue he has with Bohr, but after that moment, he’s gone,
never to be heard from again. It really feels like we need one more beat from
Heisenberg, a moment in the Third Act to pay him off. Otherwise, it seems
strange to have him play so prominently in what comes before.

DIALOGUE – The dialogue in (TITLE) has a good feel to it. The scientific details
seem to ring true and the relationships between characters is often illuminated
thanks to their conversations. There is a good layer of subtext, the dialogue
always offering a sense that there’s more going on than what is being spoken of
literally. While the tone of the dialogue is strong, though, the fact is that this
particular element of the script is overused. Dialogue scenes run on for longer
than they should, with a bit too much information being given through
conversation when visuals would be more powerful. The musings of scientists
don’t tend to carry thrillers as much as people on the run, so the more the
conversations can be used in conjunction with action, as opposed to instead of
action, the better off the script will be. Again, the dialogue itself is good. But it
needs the right balance in order to work as well as it could.

TITLE – (TITLE) is a title that should probably be re-thought. It is obviously

appropriate for the subject matter but it doesn’t really fit the tone or the genre.
This is a dark, WWII thriller about atomic bomb-making. But who would know
that from the title? It needs a title that keys potential producers in on what the
movie is about or at least what genre it fits into.

SUMMARY – There is some really great stuff in (TITLE). The characters are
interesting, the subject matter compelling, the setting strong. The dialogue has a

8
good feel to it and the visual elements are impressive. But for all the good that
comes from these strong ingredients, the fact is that this script is a bit looser in a
structural sense than a movie of this type can really be. It needs a tighter, more
defined narrative with a clear protagonist and a stated goal. It needs set pieces
that last more than a couple of pages and dialogue scenes that don’t last eleven
pages. The fact is that the characters and the story are here. They’re just hard
to find at times. A renewed look at the structure of this story will hopefully yield a
new draft that takes the same characters, subject and setting and puts them in a
more thriller and more marketable light. The writers’ skillset is good. No
question about that. Now it’s a matter of fine-tuning to make (TITLE) the winning
WWII spy thriller it could and should be.



9
 Excellent Very Good Good So-So Not Good

Artistically X

Commercial X

Premise X

Story X

Main
Characters X

Minor
Characters X

Dialogue X

Visual X
Elements

Title X

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER

10
 COVERAGE, INK. PRO ANALYSIS

TITLE: (title)
LOCALE: Australian Outback
WRITER(S):
PERIOD: Present
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Paranormal Thriller
BUDGET: Moderate
PAGES: 101
DRAFT DATE: Unknown
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY: JT

LOGLINE:

An emotionally scarred former police detective, now a cattle drover crewman,

becomes an agent for good in a battle between supernatural forces and
reincarnated evil in a remote Australian outback town.

SYNOPSIS
An Aussie morning news show’s FEMALE PRESENTER interviews TWO less-than-credible EYEWITNESSES about the
Chaurus Lights, a supposedly supernatural phenomenon in the outback. In the outback, a cattle drover crews camp for the
night with their herd. Drover ANDREW MCKINNLEY (25), a former police detective, wakes from a nightmare about his dread
after hearing a RADIO call about an attack on a woman. The drovers hit the trail in the morning. Lead drover PETER (60, old
world cowboy type) tells Andrew about a small settlement of odd people up ahead. Good food and drink, though. Younger
drovers BILL (19, chubby) and MARTIN (21, designer clothes, constantly on his cell phone) bring up the rear. Martin ribs Bill
for mistaking a man’s good-looking ass for a woman’s. DAVID (32, modern cowboy type) tells them to stop fucking around
and mind the strays. The drovers reach the rundown town of Chaurus at dusk. Four wooden boundary posts mark the town’s
limits. Martin’s cell connection cuts out as they pass the posts to pen the cattle. Peter tells Martin and Bill to be on their best
behavior as they enter the town pub/hotel. Bartender ANITA (30s, fairly attractive) serves food and drink. Martin leads a
reluctant Bill away hoping to sneak a peek into the ladies’ showers via the roof. A tour bus arrives with TOUR OPERATOR
and 20 TOURISTS. They invade the pub and settle in. Local JEFF LARSON and the OPERATOR discuss the high volume
tour business because of the Chaurus Lights’ legend. Martin and Bill ogle at showering LADY TOURISTS. Bill tells Martin not
to tap him because he might fall. Martin didn’t touch him. The ladies see them. In the pub, Peter, David and Andrew eat while
Jeff tells rapt tourists about the Chaurus Lights that stalk and haunt outback travelers. The Operator warns the tourists of
cannibal Aboriginals whom he and Jeff claim created the Lights to attract fresh meat. Outside, Martin and Bill visit “Gwinlan
Jones’” lone grave and decrepit headstone under a leafless tree in the center of town. Martin considers breaking the
headstone with a rock, but a LOCAL scares them off. The Local cleans up the grave. At the pub, the Operator tells the tourists
about the whining the Lights emit before they attack. Local TALVERT COOMBS interrupts, spinning the story of Gwinlan
Jones, who died 100 years ago tomorrow and whose ghost roams the pub halls every night at 11:52pm, tapping people on the
shoulder or blowing on their necks. Martin and Bill return in time for the drovers to leave for their camp. Talvert’s tale
continues — Chaurus used to be prison Work Camp 39, where Gwinlan served for rape and murder, and tomorrow’s the 100-
year anniversary of his escape and rampage that killed everyone in the camp, after which he performed a ritual to bring him
back to life in 100 years. Anita and Jeff shoo Talvert away, but not before Talvert and Andrew make eye contact. Jeff gets in
Andrew’s face a bit before Andrew leaves. The drovers camp inside the town boundary. Peter presses Andrew about his

Page 1 of 16
being distracted. Peter’s still curious why Andrew still hasn’t told him why he left the city to work the range two years ago.
Andrew reveals he was a detective whose wife had been raped and murdered, and that he left the force knowing he’d have
killed the culprit if found. He rode west and took a job at a cattle station. He doubts he’ll ever go back because he’s not that
same man. Morning brings good weather. Anita tells them they’re no longer welcome in town because somebody saw Martin
and Bill damaging Gwinlan’s headstone. Peter’s pissed, and Anita won’t take an apology — leave! Andrew has an uneasy
feeling about the mountains to the east. The drovers hit the plains. In Chaurus, the Operator gives Jeff an envelope of cash.
The loaded tour bus leaves town in the drovers’ direction. The drovers encounter the Chaurus Lights (six-inch hovering orbs
of opaque white light), which scope them out. Andrew falls into a trance as the Lights pass. He FLASHES BACK to the
moment he proposed to his wife, APRIL, under a starry night sky. In the present, Andrew’s overcome with emotion. The Lights
emit a high-pitched hum and speed away. WTF! The drovers move on. In Chaurus, the pub clock chimes 11:52pm. Anita’s
happy yet concerned. At Gwinlan’s grave, Jeff watches that rock Martin considered using shake, spin and fly away. On the
plains, Peter tells Martin and Bill to act more responsible while visiting small towns. Martin whatevers, talking on his phone.
Then that flying rock embeds into his skull, killing him. Andrew surmises neither a local, nor a human for that matter, could’ve
done it because of the impact. David thinks it’s the Chaurus Lights. Peter concurs. Andrew doesn’t buy it, but they need to
contact the police. Too bad Martin’s phone is broken. They must return to Chaurus. They wrap up Martin’s body. Only Andrew
notices a Chaurus Light moving away in the distance. Meanwhile, the Lights buzz the tour bus; the Operator panic turns into a
pothole and pops a tire. The drovers encounter the crippled bus. They compare notes on their Lights encounters, including
Martin’s death. The drovers offer to help fix the tire. Andrew notices a FEMALE TOURIST smiling at him. The Operator lets
the drovers put Martin’s body with the luggage. Andrew tells the Operator it’s irresponsible to only have an emergency tire as
a spare. The Operator rips Andrew for telling him how to run his business. Andrew stops short of pushing back; Operator rips
him for being a “piss weak whiner.” The Operator puts on a congenial face for Peter, who also comments on the tire. Andrew
bristles. Tire replaced, drovers and bus head for Chaurus, where Jeff approaches Talvert at his general store to remind him
that the community suffers when his Gwinlan story scares off tourists and that community secrets need to be kept because
something wonderful starts tomorrow. Talvert cowers and apologizes — it won’t happen again. Talvert’s concerned about dark
clouds approaching in the distance, and Gwinlan’s grave. The drovers and bus plod along. Peter prods Andrew about his
distraction. It’s about Andrew lacking self-confidence and running away after April’s death. He doesn’t think he’s a man
anymore. Peter likens it to the response he received after returning from an unpopular war. He thinks men never lose their
self-confidence; they just misplace their balls. Andrew will find his soon. They reach Chaurus, where Anita and Jeff welcome
the tourists back with open arms. The drovers, not so much. Jeff could care less that Martin’s dead or that they need to call
the police — Martin fucked with Gwinlan’s grave. Andrew pays Jeff $1000AU for phone access. Peter sweet talks Anita into
letting the drovers stay at the pub until the storm blows over… but only after they relinquish their guns. Anita allows Andrew to
stow Martin’s body in the pub’s meat locker, where Jeff peeks at the rock damage. The tourists opt to get drunk while waiting
out the storm. Andrew calls the police from the pub phone, but the connection is distorted and suspect. It’s the only phone in
town. Bill notices that his iPod’s internal clock keeps resetting to November 12, 1913. David just wants to drink. The storm hits
Chaurus with torrential rain. While the tourists party, the drovers lament Martin’s death. Andrew overhears a drunk LOCAL
oblige a curious TOURIST with the Gwinlan Jones story again. Andrew watches Anita interrupt and tell the Local to cut wood
for the kitchen ovens. The local braves rain and mud to the town workshop, where he cuts lumber. Strange footprints appear
at Gwinlan’s grave and make a trail to the workshop, where the Local notices a pair of Chaurus Lights hovering outside. The
footprints appear in the sawdust, and an unseen force pushes the Local into the saw, severing his arm. Everyone follows the
screams to the workshop. The Local blames the lights, which still hover. Andrew notices the footprints leading back to
Gwinlan’s grave — and the prints aren’t from human feet or boots. Anita and Jeff rail against the tourists snapping photos.
Talvert watches from afar. Andrew and Jeff argue about who or what left the prints, to the point where Jeff threatens
Andrew… and Peter for butting in. Andrew keeps pressing, and Jeff lays hands on him. Anita breaks it up. The group brings
the Local to the pub. Andrew’s embarrassed about being manhandled. Talvert watches him from afar. Meanwhile, the
DISPATCHER at the county police station plays SHERIFF JOHN BOWMAN Andrew’s garbled message. They can only hear
“Chaurus” and “murder.” Another OFFICER dismisses it as a prank, but Bowman decides to check it out, since he lives
nearby. At the pub, Jeff cauterizes the Local’s stump. The drovers play poker. The rain pours beyond the town’s boundaries.
In town, there’s no rain, and a black void’s opened up in the clouds above Gwinlan’s grave. Andrew’s unsettled by Jeff and
drunk TOURIST #4 mocking him. He and the drovers discuss Martin more, until Tourist #4 interrupts to mock Andrew’s cop
past and efforts to solve Martin’s death. Andrew swallows his anger. Bill pipes up, which makes Jeff laugh. Peter tells them to
ignore Jeff. Outside, a bolt of lightning strikes Gwinlan’s grave. Talvert sees it, having heard a noise in his store that woke him
up. He sleeps in a back room, where he keeps Polaroids of young kids. He’s spooked, seeing that it’s “9:35” on a clock.
Bowman drives toward Chaurus, hoping it’s not a prank and seeing the massive storm cloud system over the area.
JEANETTE, the tourist who smiled at Andrew from the bus, asks him to dance. He reluctantly agrees. Way drunk Bill and
David dance together. Jeanette and Andrew chat, discussing his widower status until drunken Tourist #4 tries cutting in,
insulting Jeanette and ripping Andrew for being more pussy than tough outback cowboy. Andrew gets pissed, but Bill
surprises Tourist #4 with a kiss, which freaks him out. Bill and David resume dancing. Andrew and Jeanette too. Talvert
approaches Andrew because he needs to talk. Andrew obliges, thanking Jeanette for the dance. Outside, Talvert tells Andrew
that the Lights didn’t kill Martin — it was something else. Talvert thinks Andrew an honorable man who believes in justice,
which is why he claims the Lights have chosen Andrew to destroy Gwinlan Jones, who is real. Uh, right. Talvert mentions
how the Lights have shown Andrew memories to evaluate him for bonding with one of them to defeat Gwinlan. He fills in
details about Gwinlan’s story: that he can’t leave the Chaurus boundaries until he’s reincarnated into physical form. The only
way to stop him is to undergo an ancient Aboriginal ritual and bond with one of the Lights. Talvert was tasked to thwart
Gwinlan’s reincarnation attempt 50 years ago; he went through the bonding ritual, but only managed to delay Gwinlan’s efforts
after the lights bailed on him after learning something about him they didn’t like (Polaroids, anyone?). Talvert barely survived,
but at least Gwinlan remained in Chaurus, though his spirit’s tainted the locals and made them unknowing servants. Talvert
moves away after the ritual. He moved back a few months ago in anticipation of the 100-year event — tonight. He’s sure the
Lights have chosen Andrew. It’s Andrew’s choice: he could just make it through the night and leave the next morning. Talvert
lays out the Gwinlan power build timeline, which started when Martin was killed. Gwinlan will attempt to take human form at
11:52pm. Talvert tells Andrew he must visit the Aboriginal in the mountains to undergo the ritual. Gwinlan’s evil can’t be

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allowed to leave. Then Jeff interrupts, scaring Talvert back to his store. Jeff manhandles Andrew again, who opts to return to
the pub instead of fight back. At his store, Gwinlan surprises Talvert in spirit form and rips him for telling “outsiders” about him.
He rips out Talvert’s tongue and kills him. Andrew returns to the pub and mentions the Gwinlan story and impending event. He
thinks Talvert is right. Peter tells him to stop fucking around with the locals. Andrew withdraws. Gwinlan appears to Anita in
the pub kitchen, partially reconstituted. He cops a feel, which she seems to like. Gwinlan’s pissed about her letting Talvert tell
Andrew about him. He tells her that he’s killed Talvert and that he needs four sacrifices in total to fully manifest in physical
form. He tells her to take care of the drovers; he thinks one of them’s a troublemaker. At 10:05pm, Andrew announces the
Gwinlan event to the entire pub, blaming Gwinlan for Martin’s death and the saw injury. No one cares. Jeff glares, though. The
Operator suggests Peter ditch troublemaker Andrew at the next town. Drunk, Peter rips Andrew for piping up. Anita interjects
and tells Andrew that Talvert’s known for his “stories,” which he’s used to distract from his alleged child molester past. A
visiting reporter overheard one of Talvert’s stories of Aboriginal cannibalism, which brought the town bad racial publicity.
Andrew’s crushed that his hunch is wrong. Bowman gets closer to Chaurus. An hour out, a Light buzzes his SUV. More follow.
At the pub, a depressed Andrew DREAMS/FLASHES BACK to happier times with April. In the present, the other drunken
drovers make fun of Andrew “kissing” his beer mug while he sleeps. Then the pub power goes out. Anita doesn’t know how to
start the generator. Peter visits the genie on his own, heading out back and sparking it up. Jeff’s out back, closing up the meat
locker. He accuses Peter of trying to sabotage the generator. He cold cocks Peter with his rifle butt. Andrew notices Peter’s
extended absence. David thinks Peter’s hooking up with Anita. Andrew sees a MIND FLASH of Anita, Jeff and the locals
chanting around Peter at a tree. He notices that Anita et al are gone. He goes outside, noticing the rain is horizontal beyond
the town boundaries. He follows murmuring to that workshop, where he sees Anita, Jeff and the locals about to lynch Peter
from a tree out back. Jeff tells the group about Peter’s “sabotage.” He shoots Peter’s arm and leg for talking back. Anita
considers Peter the troublemaker Gwinlan mentioned. Jeff thought it was Andrew, who’s petrified watching the proceedings.
He tries interceding, telling the mob that he and the drovers will leave town if it’ll stop the torture. Jeff makes Andrew beg on
his knees, allowing him to leave… but they still have to kill Peter. Andrew attacks Jeff, who pummels him before stringing up
Peter, who tells Andrew he’ll find his balls before the night is over. Andrew apologizes to Peter and watches him die. Andrew
passes out hearing Jeff mention something about not needing to buy legs of ham for a while. Andrew FLASHES BACK to the
day he submitted his police force resignation. The POLICE CHIEF claims Andrew will never forgive himself and that he’ll lose
his self-respect. He’s always known Andrew as tough. He hopes he’ll reconsider, but Andrew walks out. In the present,
Andrew wakes up at the tree. No Peter. He staggers back to pub, bloody. Anita acts as if nothing’s happened. Andrew tells
drunken David about Peter’s lynching. Wha…? He tells him that Talvert told him Gwinlan needs a head for each of the four
boundary posts, which will allow him to leave Chaurus. He claims Gwinlan’s chosen the drovers as his sacrifice. Andrew takes
charge of the group, determined to get them out of town even in the storm. They’ll have to leave the bodies behind. Andrew
tasks David with prepping the horses to leave while he scoops up Bill. But LOCAL #5 stops David, claiming it wouldn’t be right
for them to let the drovers leave in the bad weather. Andrew notices a time rift to Chaurus’s Work Camp 39 past open up
outside near Gwinlan’s grave. He sees a small office with a SECRETARY. In the pub, the clock says 11:01pm. Andrew
agrees with Local #5 — they’ll stick around. Andrew considers running away, but he sees a dozen Lights hovering outside the
boundary communicating with each other through their humming. Andrew confronts Anita about their complicity with Gwinlan.
She claims Gwinlan had harassed the town for years, but then promised to not kill them if they helped him manifest. He also
promised to protect them from the Lights. Anita is obvious under Gwinlan’s spell, convinced he won’t kill them, but thinking
it’d be a glorious way to die if he did. David suggests enlisting the tourists to help overrun the locals. Andrew thinks they’re too
drunk, which makes them dangerous. Gwinlan approaches Anita and tells her to kill Bill next to complete the sacrifice. Anita
brazenly approaches Bill and says she wants to fuck him right now. Bill’s game. An unseen force keeps Andrew from
interceding. David sees pressure marks on Andrew. WTF! Anita leads Bill to a back room, where they’re quickly naked and in
bed. Andrew regrets not being able to help Bill. He’s determined to stop cowering and do something about it. Anita and Bill go
at it… until she butchers him with a knife. Gwinlan’s there, manifesting and absorbing Bill’s life force. Gwinlan tosses Anita
aside after she claims she did it all for him. Andrew tells David to create a diversion so he can check on Bill. David pisses out
the window. Pisses on Local #3 who tries to make him stop. Nobody sees that the time rift is bigger outside, and it includes an
office building and PRISON GUARDS milling about the street. Andrew makes his way to the back room, where he finds Bill’s
headless body. Andrew freaks and wails at the failure he’s become. He takes Bill’s lighter as a memento for his parents.
Gwinlan hasn’t manifested enough to pass through the boundaries. The Lights keep a watchful eye on him. At first frustrated,
Gwinlan thinks the cattle holding pen’s overlap beyond the boundary may be of use to him. Andrew is a wreck about Bill. Anita
helps him clean up and tells him the sacrifice was necessary for Gwinlan’s return. Andrew and David will be able to leave in
the morning if they don’t cause any more trouble. Anita would like Andrew and David to witness Gwinlan’s return. In the pen,
Gwinlan continues to manifest, thus losing his powers. The Lights sense his weakness and attack, but Gwinlan reverts to
ghostly form and psychically destroys all but two of the Lights, which flee. Jeff helps Anita tend to a shell-shocked Andrew.
Gwinlan approaches the holding pen and the cattle. Anita makes Andrew coffee. They hear the cattle crying out and acting up
in the pen. It turns out Andrew was playing shell-shocked — he scalds Anita with coffee and knocks Jeff out with a chair,
taking Jeff’s rifle and reclaiming Peter’s pistol, and telling a confused David they need to rescue the cattle before they
stampede off the plateau. Outside, they mount their horses and notice that the time rift is expanded, revealing Work Camp 39
and the old prison. Andrew and David shoot their way out of town, braving the boundary rain, which rips at their flesh as they
make it through. Gwinlan returns to the pub for Plan B. Andrew and David pursue the cattle. David reaches the ridge, shooting
the lead cattle in hopes of stopping the rest. No luck — the cattle jump over the dead and carry David and his horse over the
edge. The Lights zip over the edge and try to catch David. No luck — they lose hold, and David falls to his death. Andrew
freaks. The Lights return to him and show him an IMAGE FLASH of ABORIGINALS and a beautiful cave. Then Lights
disappear. Andrew looks toward the mountains with determination. Almost reincarnated Gwinlan rapes Tourist #5 in her pub
room. Andrew rides his horse to the mountains. Anita and Jeff blame one another for Andrew’s escape. Tourist #5 emerges
from her room holding her stomach; she exits the pub. Her beau, Tourist #4, follows her outside and watches her pass
through a special opening in the boundary, leaving town. Tourist #4 sees that Work Camp 39 is completely visible through the
time rift. He freaks, as do Anita and the rest of the locals and tourists who now see it. Gwinlan basks in his glory, ripping apart
a tourist and ordering the rest back inside the pub. Andrew reaches the mountain, where ABORIGINALS attack, drug and
bring him to their camp. Andrew explains he wants to bond with a Light, which the ABORIGINAL ELDER explains is not for

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the corrupt white man; it didn’t work the last time they tried. Andrew professes his belief in honor and justice and how he
wants to destroy Gwinlan. The Elder thinks the white man unfit for bonding. He tells Andrew to leave and be grateful they
didn’t eat him. Andrew snatches a spear and threatens the Elder — he’s not leaving. The Elder relents, giving Andrew a
purple and green substance to drink, which paralyzes him. Tribesman drag Andrew into Apalie Alkira, a granite cavern, and
toss him into a shallow pool of water. Andrew watches Lights emerge from fires surrounding the pool. Another Light
approaches and speaks to Andrew telepathically. Its name is STEPHEN, and he was killed thousands of years earlier. He’s
searched the earth for someone like Andrew who shares his belief in honor and justice. Stephen will bond with Andrew, and
their destinies will forever be entwined. Andrew agrees to it, and Stephen enters his chest. Andrew is privy to Stephen’s
history through an intense vision. He emerges with the Light glow inside his heart and visible through his chest. Bonding
complete, the Elder sends Andrew off to find the justice he seeks. Andrew is more determined than ever. In Chaurus, Gwinlan
vows to kill everyone. The panicked tourists in the pub want to bolt, but the Operator suggests they wait until the event is over.
Then their tour bus crashes through the roof and crushes Jeff under a beam. The bolt for outside, despite Anita’s attempt to
make them stay so Gwinlan can take their life force. Jeanette maces Anita. The tourists find Gwinlan waiting for them. Lights
hover around Gwinlan. Sheriff Bowman reaches the town boundary in his SUV. He sees the freaky rain wall. The tourists are
relieved to see Bowman, who tries driving through the rain, which shreds his vehicle with him inside. The tourists freak.
Gwinlan chuckles. The Lights encircle the tourists, hoping to protect them from Gwinlan who struggles to revert to his spectral
state but still manages to destroy the Lights. The tourists are doomed. Then Andrew returns on horseback, dismounting and
running through the rain boundary. The rain rips him up, but the Light bonding power heals him. He attacks Gwinlan as he
goes after Jeanette. Andrew’s not letting Gwinlan leave Chaurus. Gwinlan’s content to torture Andrew with a flood of
nightmarish memories of his Work Camp 39 rampage in 1913. But Andrew summons his Light power and fights back by
subjecting Gwinlan to a flood of uplifting and positive memories. Gwinlan freaks. How? Andrew shows him the Light in his
chest. Gwinlan lashes out and pummels Andrew, who heals quickly. They battle. Andrew can see Gwinlan’s moves
beforehand, so he gets the upper hand. A fuel tank spills in the mayhem. Andrew has incredible strength and power. Gwinlan
hurtles them both through the time rift and into Work Camp 39, where they battle amid that fateful day when Gwinlan ran wild
amid the prison chaos. Gwinlan drags Andrew into his old cell and beats the shit out of him. Then PRISONER #1, the man
who killed Gwinlan in 1913, attacks him with a shiv. Andrew escapes the cell, his Light losing power. Gwinlan kills Prisoner #1
as GUARDS arrive and Andrew jumps back across the rift into Chaurus. He sees the spilling fuel and tries lighting it with Bill’s
lighter as Gwinlan crosses over, determined to kill him. He doesn’t understand why Andrew has such rage toward him.
Andrew ignites the fuel, which detonates and takes some of Talvert’s General Store with it. Gwinlan’s right pissed, and he’s
determined to peek into Andrew’s mind and discover where the rage comes from. Gwinlan sees Andrew’s memories of April.
Andrew’s too weak to fight him off. Gwinlan shows Andrew April’s last moments alive, including the RAGGEDY MAN killer’s
robbery, rape and murder. Gwinlan laughs at Andrew’s pain. Andrew loses it, summoning all his rage and Light power, and
goes apeshit on Gwinlan while 1000s Lights descend on the town. Andrew beats Gwinlan into submission. Gwinlan
commends Andrew for his balls. Andrew lays off, exhausted. Gwinlan sees his chance to escape Chaurus fade away as the
rain stops and the Lights swarm over the two men and the tourists. One light buzzes the tourists and knocks them all
unconscious. The lights all flare and flash at once, and then the Lights, Andrew, Gwinlan, the Locals and the Operator vanish.
The clouds blow away. At dawn, the tourists wake up, most still drunk and not remembering anything. Chaurus is fully
restored. No sign of damage or mayhem. Jeanette thinks she’s forgetting something or someone. She sees a glint of sun near
the town center, where that once dead tree is alive and well, and there’s no Gwinlan grave. Jeanette finds Andrew’s wallet on
the ground. She stuffs it into a pocket. Later, Andrew returns to his former police station, where the Chief welcomes him back
with open arms. Andrew is a different man, brimming with confidence and inner strength. He muses over April’s photo in his
locker as he dresses for his shift and overhears a radio dispatch announce a hit and run suspect pursuit nearby. The Light
glow brightens in his chest. Outside, he overhears A POLICE OFFICER mention the suspect’s latest location, but then an
IMAGE FLASHE shows Andrew the suspect on a different street. Andrew follows his hunch. Later, that breakfast news show
is back on the air, and the MALE PRESENTER follows up on their Chaurus Lights story from six months earlier, now claiming
their reporter, FALON JANSON, has found a woman who knows the Lights are real. Falon interviews her WITNESS on the
street — it’s Tourist #5, and she’s pregnant, and she’s right pissed the Lights killed her unborn child’s father, who will live on
through the baby, which she plans to name Gwinlan.

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COMMENTS

OVERALL – An ambitious, energetic and ethereally vibrant supernatural

offering with a palpably spooky vibe, vivid horror and paranormal imagery, a
so-so but fixable structure and engaging if sketched-in genre characters, led
by a potentially intriguing protagonist that needs to stop crying and find the
“balls” he’s looking for sooner than later. Writer brings a good multi-genre knack
(horror, western, supernatural, action) and an evocative visual sense. Premise has
chance to book passage beyond setting’s native land, with producer and talent
interest potentially increasing once uneven structure is shored up and characters
(even those doomed to die) get some layering, dimension and dynamism.
Protagonist’s emotional scarring can play a role here, but the hero spirit needs to
manifest from the get-go for maximum audience appeal.

Let’s get right to the details…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CHARACTERS

ANDREW – Yeah, in the end his comes through as the hero and thwarts
GWINLAN, but what we have to sit through character-wise until we get to that
moment is sometimes unbearable and squirm worthy. Frankly, Andrew’s too much
of a pussy to be protagonist material. Yeah, okay, he’s “haunted” by APRIL’s death,
but his cowering and crying and wailing about failing is so unappealing. His
weakness is unsettling. He’s too passive and too much the punching bag (physically
and emotionally). It’s a sizable bump that needs to be dealt with right out of the
gate. Andrew needs to drive the story more and “take charge,” even with the weight
of the past on him, and especially after MARTIN’s death. Instead, he shrinks at
confrontation and conflict. Maybe he’s redrawn more like SHANE or an Eastwood
spaghetti western hero — smoldering, intense, and ready to explode. There’s a bit
of that in here, but pussy ultimately prevails. On p. 31, for example, when “Andrew
hurriedly counts the money in his wallet,” he comes across as too much like a
skittish, naïve dope, especially after having been a street-smart police detective.
Who knows, maybe he only offers JEFF some off his money, which Jeff snatches
out of his hands. Enhance Andrew’s more heroic and proactive traits that simmer
beneath his wounded exterior. SHOW him as being ultimately smarter than Jeff and
the other Locals. No, he doesn’t have to stand with his hands on his hips and make
a Superman pose, but he does need to be strong enough for the audience to hang
their hats on him as the hero for the story’s duration. Lastly, on p. 50, when
“Andrew, though shocked, seems to accept Talvert’s words as truth,” we have to
ask why he’s so quick to believe and accept without pushback. Consider some
knee-jerk scoffing and “this guy’s off his nut” reaction. Would Andrew believe Talvert
without proof? He’s a former detective whose job is evidence-based, no?

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THE DROVERS (PETER / DAVID / BILL / MARTIN) – PETER Has the most
layered characterization. His engagement with Andrew on an emotional level is a
nice choice (See DIALOGUE Section for a suggestion about how tweaking
backstory exposition might enhance their dynamic). Next, it’s a bit of a bump that
Peter would try and start the generator on his own, ignoring his own advice about
not mixing it up with the locals. He’s drunk, so maybe we play up the flirting
established between him and ANITA. Maybe Peter makes the chivalrous gesture,
which she eats up and gives him the go-ahead. Then, after JEFF confronts Peter
and accuses him of sabotage, maybe Anita denies she knew anything about the go-
ahead. Bitch. DAVID doesn’t have much impact for a majority of the story (and even
less when he’s drunk off his ass), but his effort to stop the cattle stampede is a solid
choice in that it at least lets the audience feel something when he eventually goes
splat. It’d be nice, though, to maybe add a sprinkling of backstory to dimensionalize
him. Overall, since the drovers are essentially grist for the Gwinlan mill, consider
amping up and adding some dynamism to the rather superficial “type”
characterizations. That said, BILL’s doughy loser thing has potential, so play up his
lack of luck with the ladies even more. This might help layer his response to Anita
when she makes her fuck proposition, where Bill’s apprehensive at first, expecting
the punch line (like he’s been slapped with many times before). Maybe Anita goes
out of her way to convince him that her wanting to fuck him is not a joke, which
breaks down his defenses and pumps up his ego. In the end, though, the cruel joke
is really on Bill, which he may comment about with a punch line of his own as he’s
hacked apart. Like Bill, MARTIN’s a one-note character for what we SEE of him
onscreen. Consider not making him too much of a dick that the audience doesn’t
feel something when he dies. His parents in the Caribbean thing is bit blah, so
maybe there’s a way to put a twist on his perceived sexting and sex line activities.
Yes, he puts up a horndog and “player” face (peeking in showers, etc.), but maybe
it’s a front. Maybe we’re able to HEAR snippets of his conversations while he “rides
along on his horse, talking on his phone.” Whoever’s on the other end of the call
might reveal something about Martin’s character. Maybe the sad twist is that all his
calls have been to a WOMAN he’s in a serious relationship with, perhaps checking
to see how she’s doing with a pregnancy or their sick child (which Andrew and the
rest might hear in a garbled voicemail or a surprising call that makes it through on
Martin’s “broken” phone), which upends audience expectations and unexpectedly
yanks the sympathy out of them.

CHAURUS RESIDENTS (ANITA / JEFF / TALVERT ) – A decent assortment of

foes (and one sort-of ally) for Andrew. JEFF and ANITA work as an antagonist two-
fer for most of the story (proxies for GWINLAN). Jeff’s bullying gets old after while,
so consider mixing up his approach. It’s too bad a tour bus takes him out —
consider letting our hero dispatch the henchmen on his way to vanquishing the
antagonist. The implied sexual thing between Anita and Gwinlan is icky (yet cool!).
Consider ramping that up. If she’s hot for the ghost, SHOW us more of her reaction
after Gwinlan’s sexy time grope and titty squeeze. Also, maybe she climaxes while
she fucks and hacks away at poor Bill. With TALVERT, his pedophile thing is a bit
on the nose. One would expect he wouldn’t keep his “piles of Polaroids of children”

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lying about his store back room. Next, it’s not clear how he would know the Lights
have considered Andrew for bonding. Is it just from “watching” him? Maybe ever
since Talvert went through the ritual, some residual juju still exists, so his radar
goes off when he’s close to Andrew. Maybe whenever the Lights send Andrew a
signal, Talvert has a Danny-from-THE SHINING fit and gets an image fragment
pointing to Andrew. Maybe Talvert mentions something he’s seen in one of the
flashes, which Andrew saw too. Talvert needs to convince Andrew (and the
audience) that he’s not loony and full of shit. This may help justify Andrew’s
accepting what he says as truth (which is a bump with his character).

TOURISTS – As long as the speaking TOURISTS (and LOCALS, too) aren’t just
set dressing, consider giving them names instead of numbers. That name can be
what visually identifies him or her (GAP-TOOTHED TOURIST, STOCKY LOCAL,
etc.); at least it injects a bit of humanity into them. That said, apart from JEANETTE,
the tourists seem like drunken sheep. Maybe there’s at least one among them who
calls “Bullshit” on the OPERATOR’s Chaurus shtick. Hell, maybe it’s Jeanette, who
gives Andrew some support on top of some potential tension in his pants.

GWINLAN – A decent baddy and antagonist once-removed for Andrew (via Jeff,
Anita and the other Locals). Not sure how or why he gets his psychic powers or
super strength or capabilities to “destroy the world.” He is just a bad ghost from
1913, right? He was just a murderer and rapist while alive. It’s not like he’s SATAN
in human form, or some eons-old evil inhabiting Gwinlan’s body. If he is, we might
need to establish that detail up front. Maybe there’s more to his initial reincarnation
ritual. Speaking of his powers… It’s unclear how Gwinlan is a) able to even keep up
with Andrew and his Chaurus powers, or b) able to SHOW him April’s last moments
as “he becomes completely physical.” His powers should be kaput, no? Writer might
consider establishing and baking in Gwinlan’s power parameters so it doesn’t feel
like he adjusts them if the story needs him to.

STRUCTURE / STORY

Script follows a compressed yet uneven 3-act structure, with equally compressed
and fluid plot points and beats in need or firmer placement.

ACT ONE – Breakfast news show not particularly compelling as an opening or

Opening Image. Writer might consider a PROLOGUE with the Lights in action while
not revealing them to the audience. This may help bolster the supernatural tone and
overall story mood from the get-go. Maybe it’s an “attack” captured on one of the
INTERVIEWEES’ smartphone, which the show treats like the famous Bigfoot
footage, but maybe with a heavy dose of skepticism (“It’s Photoshopped, isn’t it?”)
while establishing the “legend” so we can fuck with the audience when they do
show up later for real. Maybe one of the DROVERS could reference the bad video
he saw on the breakfast show. Another opening might be to dump us right into the
outback with the Drovers, establishing ANDREW as our protagonist doing what he
does best and experiencing his emotional backstory (BTW, his FLASHBACKS

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should adopt a darker tone; maybe we SEE Andrew at the actual crime scene,
rather than at the uninteresting police station, SHOW our hero what he did best —
being a detective). Overall, the known world set up is okay, and the character intros
tell us who’s who and what’s what. Not sure what serves as our Inciting Incident
(knocking down that world we’ve set up and presenting our hero with a choice to
act). Is it getting kicked out of town? That’s a tension boost, for sure. The Lights
encounter is too. Martin’s death seems to fit the bill best, though, but it’s late in the
act (the Inciting Incident lives around p. 12 — at least per Snyder’s Save The Cat
structural paradigm, a CI favorite), which compresses any hero debate into a few
lines and gets them headed back to Chaurus lickety-split to call the police, which
works as an act break and story turn of sorts based on Andrew’s decision. And we
have some real “Storm Clouds on the Horizon,” too.

ACT TWO – So the journey back to the Chaurus world is on. Does our hero have a
clear and compelling goal? Is it just to call the police? Is it about finding balls?
Actually, it’s more about our hero and the drovers finding themselves at the mercy
of the Locals, their Gwinlan allegiance and Gwinlan’s powers. While tensions do
rise between the drovers and the Locals, and the momentum builds with the storm’s
arrival and SHERIFF BOWMAN heading to Chaurus, and stakes raise with
Gwinlan’s arrival and the LOCAL #4’s saw incident, Andrew doesn’t elevate above
passenger in the proceedings. He’s marginalized and minimized when he should be
protagonized. BILL bails him out of taking charge of the JEANETTE/TOURIST #4
situation. Jeff literally steps all over him (again) after the TALVERT
Chaurus/Gwinlan lore backstory dump. Even PETER at first quashes and then
pisses on Andrew’s attempt to warn everyone about Gwinlan’s arrival. He’s not very
audience appealing. And in all this “excitement,” we seem to have blown by a story
turning Mid-Point. Maybe it’s Gwinlan’s arrival. Maybe it’s Andrew’s public
humiliation about his Gwinlan arrival announcement. The biggest turn feels like
Peter’s lynching (a False Collapse, where things from now on can only get better),
but that beat doesn’t arrive until the mid-60s (way beyond Snyder’s p. 55, or even
further beyond where it might fall in this script’s compressed page count). Some
realignment is in order if that beat is the Mid-Point. At least the momentum and
stakes pick up once we (and Andrew) get a glimpse of the opening time rift and
Andrew “takes charge,” as it were, though Gwinlan (with ANITA’s help) moves
another step closer to completing his sacrifice by taking Bill’s head. Andrew’s
subsequent emotional crash and burn is an okay Low-Point, though it’s unclear why
he doesn’t snap out of it sooner and get in Anita’s grill while she’s “freshening him
up.” Does the crying cattle trigger his re-emergence and table turning? Anyway,
Andrew leading the escape is a solid heroic choice, even though it’s not clear why
Gwinlan doesn’t simply wield his remaining powers and thwart it, thus preventing
Andrew from making his ABORIGINAL mountain meet-up and bonding with the
Chaurus. Alas, he gets to bond, which is a solid, compelling, story-turning break at
the Snyder-appropriate page marker despite the fact that it leaves…

ACT THREE – … only 10 pages to wrap everything up. Definitely underweighted.

But our hero does forge onward with the tools (re: STEPHEN CHAURUS and his

Page 8 of 16
powers), lessons learned and knowledge needed to confront his dilemma head-on,
prevail and achieve his goal. Solid, energetic climax. Good battle. Ultimately not
quite sure what the time rift has to do with anything between Andrew and Gwinlan,
though, or why it was even opened in the first place. Is it just so Gwinlan can “show
him where he comes from?” A bit of a bummer that Andrew doesn’t get to fully
vanquish and dispatch Gwinlan (the Chauruss clean up the mess and everything
else). Anyway, Andrew prevails, gets his balls back (there’s no more crying — yay!)
and retains the Chaurus power to do good. But did Andrew succeed? Tourist #5 has
the unborn “Gwinlan.” Maybe we drop some sequel bait on the ending and suggest
Andrew and Tourist #5 are “destined” to meet in the big city, where the battle
between good and evil will continue. Just a thought.

SCENEWORK / PLOT LOGIC

Pretty good scenework, overall, with decent connective tissue and linkage, though
the logic can be sketchy and convenient at times (several examples indicated
below). There are opportunities for bloat trimming to tighten scenes up. Some good
conflict throughout, even if the dust-ups with the Locals can get repetitive (How
many times does Jeff have to beat up on Andrew and make him cry?). Just
remember that the trick to solid scenework is to get in (preferably late, but just in
time for the important bits), expand what we know about the characters and their
objectives, make the scene/story point, and then get out when the getting’s good,
on strong action or DIALOGUE beats, sending the audience headlong into the next
scene (letting the previous scene continue on without us) with maximum propulsion.
Be lean and mean when doing so, too — every scene, and every word within that
scene, must serve the story. That said, here are some scene-specific comments
and suggestions (with more marked-up throughout the script)...

p. 6 - When did Martin and Bill leave the pub table? Given Peter’s “no bullshit” edict,
one would think he’d go out of his way to keep an eye on them and not let them
leave. Their suddenly appearing outside feels jump cutty anyway.

p. 17 - “The Chaurus Light slowly moves through the cattle…” Consider more WTF!
from these guys, rather than just stunned silence and “terror.” “It’s one of them
damn lights.” “Don’t be daft.” “What the hell is it then?” That said, consider
peppering in more skepticism, where they try and rationalize and explain away what
they saw. This might stoke some conflict flames in the group. Maybe MARTIN’s the
most vocal about it being nonsense… and he winds up with a rock in his skull,
which the others mistakenly blame on the Lights knowing to eliminate a potential
problem.

p. 23 - Between the TOUR OPERATOR and the drovers, the overall response to
Martin’s death is mighty blasé and matter of fact. There’s a dead guy here, folks!
BTW, How might the scene’s dynamic change if the TOURISTS hear about Martin’s
death? One might overhear and relay it to the rest, where panic spreads and the
Operator has to deal with it in his own inimitable way.

Page 9 of 16
p. 47 - “Upon seeing Andrew, he cautiously walks up to him and taps him on the
shoulder, trying to avoid being seen.” It would be difficult not be seen approaching
Andrew and Jeanette on the dance floor, especially right after everyone’s just seen
the Bill/TOURIST #4 “kiss.” Logic potholes can tweak the story axle.

- Andrew’s April DREAMS/FLASHBACKS are kind of blah. Fuck ‘em up. Reinforce
the supernatural tone. Maybe take advantage of the Chaurus involvement and
manipulation, where each dream degenerates into a nightmare that includes
Gwinlan. Treat them as the Chauruss planting Andrew’s call to action in his mind —
SHOWING him that evil will destroy everything if he doesn’t do something.

- If the Locals just need four heads to sacrifice for Gwinlan, why wouldn’t they kill
Andrew after he intrudes on their Peter lynching? Two drovers with one rope, no?

p. 69 - ANDREW: I’m taking charge of the group… Rather than use DIALOGUE, let
Andrew’s action speak for him. As the athletic shoe conglomerate says, “Just do it!”

p. 82 - “He sees a large mass of cattle falling down a very high drop.” Nice image!

p. 87 - “The Elder hands Andrew a small clay cup. Inside, a horrid looking purple
and green glop, which he considers for a moment before downing it in one gulp.”
Impulsive, isn’t he? How does Andrew know it isn’t poison? Maybe he insists the
Elder drink first to test it out. “You first…”

p. 91 - “… as the Sheriff’s vehicle is pulled upward and around the wall of rain,
being ripped apart…” Cool visual, if awkwardly worded. BTW, How do Andrew and
David (and their horses) make it through the razor rain with just the clothes and skin
on their backs when Bowman’s steel SUV is ripped to shreds? Andrew doesn’t have
his Chaurus Light powers yet. Another logic pothole.

- How fucked up would it be if the Work Camp 39 PRISONERS escaped from their
cells into Chaurus, perhaps going after the Tourists. Hell, maybe a few try running
out of town, where they’re summarily shredded. Speaking of the time rift… What
happens to it after Andrew and Gwinlan pop back into Chaurus? Is it still there while
they fight? Is it still there after the Lights wash everything away? Feels like a loose
end. Also, if Andrew disappears along with every other hint of trouble at Chaurus,
wouldn’t his wallet disappear too? Feels like some convolution. Perhaps there’s a
subtler and emotionally resonant remainder/reminder JEANETTE can see.

p. 99 – It’s unclear how Andrew returned to the city and his old police station. What
happened after the Chaurus energy wipe? Did the Lights drop Andrew off? Again,
the convolution level is higher than it should be here.

CRAFT:

Page 10 of 16
Writer brings a straightforward if sometimes uneven style, which can make for a
bumpy read. Writer does show a knack for supernatural/paranormal imagery, as
well as for action. That said, Writer might consider breaking up the bigger blocks of
SCENE DESCRIPTION into smaller, more easily digestible (re: readable) chunks to
pick up the energy, the read flow and help open up the whitespace on the more
than a few ink-heavy pages. Thinning out the CHARACTER blocking and gesture
minutiae (standing, turning, looking up, chuckling, smiling, etc.) will help too. Page-
count is in the industry wheelhouse, though might fall into the mid-90s with
editorial/revision suggestions made here, giving Writer room to expand character
and story. Lastly, Writer has an okay grasp of formatting nuts and bolts, yet there
are areas in need of attention and improvement, such as:

- Avoid repeating LOCATION info from SCENE HEADINGS in SCENE

DESCRIPTION. We know where we are, thank you, so move on. No sense
cluttering up the page with more black anyway (p. 2, for example):

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Andrew is sitting at his desk in a bustling police station…

The above example also highlights the noticeable difference between Active Voice
and Passive Voice. Screenwriting is all about action and doing. Characters do
things. Characters scream. Characters bleed. Characters whatever. Passive Voice,
while it does have its place in certain situations, can suck away the writing’s energy,
sometimes leading to awkward sentence structure and a clumsy read. Use Active
Voice and action verbs instead, which save you words and, eventually and over the
course of the script, page count. So, applying both tips might get us something like:

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Andrew sits at his desk amid the COP and PERP bustle…

- Consider using SLUGS (SUBHEADERS) in lieu of SCENE HEADINGS when the

action continues/moves through rooms and areas within an already established
LOCATION (like inside the Pub — examples marked up in script). This helps with
read flow and opens up whitespace. We can also use SLUGS to establish scene
geography and move the “camera” without acknowledging a camera or suggesting
camera moves (“The camera pans to the first man…” “We see…”), which is the
Director’s job. The Writer’s job is to tell the story (p. 17, for example):

20 METRES AHEAD

A SIX-INCH WIDE ORB of non-transparent white light hovers

silently above the ground.

Page 11 of 16
Also notice how we can apply ALL CAPS and underlining to important beats and
cool imagery to help them stand out.

- Be vigilant about typos; be they misspellings (on p. 4, maybe the BOUNDARY

POSTS are made from “very old wooden poles,” instead of “polls.”), punctuation
(commas, commas, everywhere…), awkward grammar or formatting missteps.
There are a lot here (marked up throughout the script). Even if you think you’ve
proofread the hell out of the script, do it again. Then let someone else proofread it.
It’s amazing what fresh eyes can find. Bottom line — put your best page forward.
Let agents and studio readers SEE you’re serious about your craft.

- Turn off “Automatic Character Continueds,” which can clutter up a script with
unnecessary ink, especially a spec, which is all about showcasing the storytelling
and characters. Most screenwriting software packages allow you to deactivate this
setting. The thinking behind this is even if SCENE DESCRIPTION breaks up a
character’s DIALOGUE, we know who’s in the scene and who’s speaking.

- Try to avoid ORPHANS. If a paragraph or sentence has one too many words (the
one hanging off alone on a new line), it’s a good bet we can pull it up by expressing
the thought or conveying the image with fewer words. It’s good creative practice.
Yeah, it’s cosmetic too. And the bonuses are less ink on the page and perhaps
even fewer pages in the long run (p. 1, for example, is one of many marked
throughout the script):

The FEMALE PRESENTER rolls her eyes and looks at the other
guy.

- Announce DREAMS and FLASHBACKS via SCENE HEADINGS (as opposed to

SCENE DESCRIPTION). There are several formatting approaches to choose from
that we can apply to both. Just remember to pick one approach and be consistent
throughout the script (p. 67, for example):

Andrew looses consciousness…

FLASHBACK [or DREAM] - INT. POLICE STATION - CHIEF’S OFFICE - DAY

And always remember to bring us out of said FLASHBACKS with a:

BACK TO PRESENT

Usually, we get out of DREAMS when a CHARACTER wakes up in a subsequent

scene. If it’s unclear, though, we can always SLUG it out with an: END DREAM

PACING

Page 12 of 16
Breakfast news show opening aside (it’s blah, energy-wise), the drover and
Chaurus set up comes at a nice, even keel. The tension picks up a bit once we add
the Chaurus Lights and Gwinlan histories to the mix, even if they’re harmless tales.
The drover eviction starts us on the momentum rise, and the Chaurus encounter
and Martin rock death sets us off and running. The tension builds from there,
bringing the drovers back to Chaurus and into the Gwinlan shit, though the sense of
urgency feels hampered by Andrew’s overall reluctance to engage once that shit
hits. It’s as if his lack of fortitude applies the brakes. The FLASHBACKS can hinder,
too. Unless FLASHBACKS add to the storytelling and keep it moving forward,
they’re in the way. Eventually, Andrew snaps out of it and goes balls out (which
helps the momentum), but getting there is a bit of a drag. Lots of full-steam-ahead
once he and David break out, and the careening toward the final Gwinlan battle is
solid.

DIALOGUE

Some pretty good exchanges throughout. Not as natural sounding and

conversational as it could be, and it often comes across as stiff and on the nose.
Next, be careful with exposition overload. Yes, the Operator’s Chaurus Lights
storytelling serves a purpose, but Peter and Andrew diving into Andrew’s past, or
Talvert’s Gwinlan history, can overwhelm — there’s nothing less interesting for an
audience than watching CHARACTERS talk backstory. With Peter and Andrew, for
example, it kind of feels story-convenient that Peter just now — with the audience
here — asks about Andrew’s past, and he just now offers it up. Maybe we establish
that Peter knows the rough April outline, but Andrew finally feels comfortable filling
in the missing bits. This approach can help establish their relationship and dynamic
too. Next, consider condensing and consolidating lines to tighten up the scenes
(Jeff’s p. 26-27 “community” and “keeping secrets” lines into one potentially creepier
speech), eliminate repetition and redundancy, and trim out the small talk to make
scene and story points quicker (examples are marked up accordingly). Next, be
consistent with Direct Address, which should be set off with commas on both sides
of the address, or at least after (p. 5, for example):

ANITA
Evening, gentlemen. Name’s Kathy-
Lee. Just passing through?

Lastly, avoid PARENTHETICAL overload. And avoid overloading them with

expanded character action better suited to SCENE DESCRIPTION (as opposed to
smaller gestures, or if the action it describes counters what the DIALOGUE
indicates — subtext). PARENTHETICALS are a polarizing screenwriting element,
regardless. While there’s no hard or fast rule, we at CI suggest taking a more
cautious and sparing approach.

MARKETABILITY

Page 13 of 16
Story’s supernatural bent and cool visuals may not be studio tentpole material, but
relatively contained story presents opportunity for producers (mini-major and indie)
looking for genre material to feed various pipelines (domestic and international
theatrical, genre cablers like SyFy and Chiller in the U.S., Direct-to-Video and
Netflix). Australia-centric story poses little if any obstacles to reaching beyond
continent’s “boundary poles,” as presentation isn’t too steeped in “Aussie”
idiosyncrasies. Characters bring potential opportunities for established and up in
coming genre talent, though not-as-strong-and-compelling-as-he-could-be
protagonist needs a boost and revamp to attract genre A-lister (or even mainstream
B-Lister) and thus draw audience demo in.

TITLE

Pretty good, though it might be a bit stiff and journalistic (like we’d find in a
Discovery Channel program or even a magazine article). Definitely brings a
paranormal or supernatural flavor (a la Loch Ness or Bigfoot or any UFO-based
conceit), which helps suggest genre, but maybe the poster pop isn’t quite there yet.
While we do get a solid handling of the Lights as a story element, how might we
also address the Gwinlan thread (which is mighty substantial, story-wise) and
Andrew’s personal journey and bonding with the lights too? As it stands, the title
can work, but Writer might consider brainstorming for more of a grabber.

CONCLUSION:

A solid genre piece start here, with engaging chills, thrills and vivid
supernatural/paranormal imagery. Writer shows a knack, for sure. Structurally,
script is a work in progress. Totally fixable, though, especially after locking in beats
and plot points. Protagonist needs those hero’s “balls” sooner than later, as
audience may tire of the anguish and stray. Nothing earth shattering with respect to
the genre, but spooky premise and relatively contained setting with an outbackdrop
may bring interest from smaller budget producers and genre talent. Keep up the
good work, keep on writing, and thanks for submitting to Coverage Ink.

Page 14 of 16
 

YOU KINDA- NOT

CRITERIA BET!
YES
SORTA SO MUCH
N/A

Strong PREMISE? X

Is the material ORIGINAL? X X

Is the script COMMERCIAL? (mainstream or indie) X

Is the PROTAGONIST dimensional, well-developed? X

Does the story have a clear ANTAGONIST or

X X
ANTAGONISTIC FORCE?

Are the SECONDARY CHARACTERS well-

X
developed and believable?

Is the STORYLINE believable and effective? X

Does the FOCUS remain clearly on the protagonist

X X
and not get lost in secondary characters’ subplots?

Are the STAKES high? If the protagonist fails in

X
his/her quest, are the consequences of failure dire?

Does the story have a strong STRUCTURE, 3-Act or

X X
other?

Do the first ten pages set the tone for the rest of the
X
story?

Does the script have solid PACING? X

Does each scene more the story forward? X X

Does the CONFLICT rise effectively? X X

Does character DIALOGUE sound natural? X

Does the DIALOGUE contain sufficient subtext? X X

Does the writer’s STYLE reflect professional quality

X
and ability?

Page 15 of 16
Is the writing tight and punchy, with a minimum of
X
bloat?

Length appropriate for genre? X

Format/Mechanics/Spelling/Grammar? X X

Is the TITLE a grabber? Does it reflect the material’s

X X
genre or tone?

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

(Ratings scale: Recommend, Strong Consider, Consider, Consider with Reservations, Pass. The vast majority
of screenplays submitted are a “pass.” It generally takes a lot of drafts and elbow grease to get a “consider.”)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Page 16 of 16
Entry Type: Comprehensive Notes (WeScreenplay)
Marketing Blueprint: Analysis for Writing Sample
Synopsis Included: Yes
Ranking: 56th Percentile

SAMPLE SCRIPT
Sci-fi Feature 118 Pages

TOP 21%
STRUCTURE

RATING
PASS
PLACED IN THE TOP 44%

Percentiles are based on historical data of scores given out by this analyst.

For increased consistency, we calculate a project's pass/consider/recommend rating by using the scores input by the analyst and their history of
scoring. Approximately 3% of projects receive a recommend and ~20% of projects receive a consider.

WeScreenplay proudly uses Coverfly, an online platform that connects writers, readers, and the industry.
SYNOPSIS
In a near Utopian future, the sun is on the verge of dying. When the shockwave hits, most people are
killed or mortally injured. GALILEO, a young boy, searches for his younger brother ABEL after
discovering the death of his parents. He is saved by CLEAVE and IRIS, but his brother is left behind. 22.3
years later, the Earth is deeply devastated by the lack of sunlight. Galileo, now 28 and going by GAL,
lives in a commune with Cleave and Iris. Also in the commune are SUNNY, Iris' 9 year old daughter, and
KAZI, a man handicapped in the shockwave. Gal still searches for his brother, feeling guilty for leaving
him behind. They are able to sustain themselves using energy from the Energy Commune.

In the Energy Commune, GREGG, a 45 year old man in a pressed suit, relays his plans to drastically
increase the price of energy. He does not care that this means there will be a significant loss of life.
Dwellers, cannibalistic beings that were once humans before drinking contaminated water, threaten
anyone who wanders into the space between communes called The Nether. Elsewhere, NIX, a a tough
27 years old and her father MARK discuss Mark's plan to tell Gregg about his invention, a mini sun,
Helios, that can bring life back to the Earth. Gregg pretends to agree to give Mark the gases he needs,
but instead he tells his loyal henchman THRONE to kill Mark and Nix. In Gal's commune, the power
goes out because they have been unable to pay Gregg's exorbitant prices. This means their food won't
grow, and they can't decontaminate the water.

Mark is killed, but Nix manages to escape. She winds up at Gal's commune and asks them for help
getting across The Nether, and Gal reluctantly agrees to transport her. Gal is not willing to open up to
this total stranger and remains hostile towards her. They make it back to Nix's commune, but Gal is
forced to join her in the Helios Warehouse and is unable to return home. There they meet ERNIE, 42,
Mark's partner at Helios. They create a plan to get the gas needed to launch the sun, and this means
breaking into Osiris. They make it in, but the guards stop them from getting the final gas they need,
magnesium. They are forced to plan another heist, this time to the main gas plant. They drive across
The Nether, getting attacked by both Dwellers and guards, but they make it alive. A romance blossoms
between Gal and Nix through their shared struggle. Back in Gal's commune, Cleave is killed, and Kazi,
despite feeling like a burden, steps up to protect the people he loves.

With very little time left to get the sun into orbit, as the Earth will only be in the correct position again
in 160 years, the trio is forced to fight off an onslaught of Dwellers and guards. Gal is faced with his
brother, Abel, now a Dweller, and he tries to convince the once human creature that he can change
back. Even though this plan starts to work, Abel is shot and killed by a guard. Ernie is killed, and Gregg
gloats over Nix and Gal, keeping them alive to watch the sun fail. In a final showdown, they manage to
kill Gregg and Throne, and they launch the sun.
In the aftermath, the Dwellers start to become human again as the water becomes drinkable again
under the light of the sun. The sunrise is beautiful.

OPENING THOUGHTS
SAMPLE SCRIPT is a high concept and timely sci-fi with exciting action, vivid world building, and an
introduction of deeper themes. While well-written, some of the characterization gets lost in favor of
intense action sequences, and, despite the stakes being high, the various threats begin to feel similar
and repetitive. Some major plot elements are rushed, therefore minimizing the reach of the presented
themes and character development.

CHARACTERS
Gal or Galileo, while a somewhat typical protagonist familiar to this genre, has a strong set up for his
characterization and the start of a compelling, emotional arc. The loss of his brother during the death
of the sun is devastating and relatable, but this part of Gal's journey does not get enough focus.
Outside of this, the journey towards accepting the Dwellers as human and the external journey of
getting Helios into orbit aren't as compelling. Since the script opens with the loss of Abel, this feels like
it should be the heart of the story. Once the action really begins, Abel feels forgotten. It would help if
he actually opened up to Nix once they start to trust each other, expressing his guilt over leaving his
brother and perhaps expressing what he fears may have happened to him. The idea that he could
have become a Dweller doesn't seem to cross Gal's mind, and this feels unrealistic. Once the Dweller
version of his brother shows up during the climax, we don't get that sense of catharsis or completion
because of how absent this aspect of Gal's journey is. This scene in particular doesn't do enough to
show Gal's inner turmoil and his horror once Abel gets shot. After Abel dies he effectively vanishes
from the script. Gal doesn't appear to grieve, to be in shock, or to feel differently about killing
Dwellers.

Gal's relationship with Nix needs a better build up. It's unclear why he acts with such hostility towards
her when she first arrives, especially since she appears to have a way to save humanity, and
consequently the lives of everyone Gal loves. If the script could convey a specific cause for his anger,
like believing that Nix has brought the Osiris guards to their doorstep or that she is on Osiris' side, then
his reaction would make more sense. Because of the lack of motivation behind his reactions to Nix,
him agreeing to help transport her doesn't fully make sense, and the build up towards their romantic
relationship feels like it's missing a few steps. Having them open up to each other in a more
meaningful way about the loss of their loved ones would help to further both of their
characterizations, and it would justify them falling for each other.

Nix's reaction to her father's death is currently understated, just like Gal's reaction to his brother's
death. Her voice comes through better in her dialogue and the way she acts, like how she lacks a filter
and isn't afraid to call Gal out. While her journey is solid, she could use a more defined arc that
consists of more than her not wanting to kill anyone. The moment where she shoots Gregg doesn't
feel that momentous because we don't see her refusing to kill anyone cause a detriment to her plans.
There isn't a big enough contrast between who she started the story as and who she is at the end. Gal
we can see gets a better appreciation for humanity and learns to trust.

Gregg and Throne are both underdeveloped. Gregg's motivations for everything he does are too
simplistic, and it feels like the only reason he does anything is to be evil, like when he outright says he
doesn't care that people will die. His declaration that weak people will always die on page 17 is his
ideology, but why does he have this mindset? We don't get a great sense of why he longs for control or
why he's willing to kill endless amounts of people to gain it. Since he is a major character, we need to
understand him more. He shouldn't know he's the bad guy, he should genuinely believe in what he's
doing. It's also hard to understand why Throne has such undying loyalty towards Gregg. Even after
Gregg seems like he is going to execute Throne, Throne forgets this moment instantly. Building the
relationship between these two, maybe showing why Throne is so convinced and inspired by Gregg,
would make both of these characters more compelling. Adding some conflict between these two
would be worthwhile as well, like having Throne start to question Gregg as the story goes along.

PLOT
The plot is overall fast paced and entertaining, but there are some repetitive sequences and
underdeveloped moments. The constant attack of the Dwellers on the Weston's Commune all feel
fairly similar, as do the guard attacks on Nix and Gal. Just reducing some of the Dweller attacks on the
commune and having only the last attack escalate to an outright battle with the Dwellers will feel
more significant. The attack where Cleave dies doesn't have to be as intense as the last sequence
since it plays out almost exactly the same. Kazi's conflict with his disability starts to dominate the story
after a while, and it isn't built up well enough to justify this. There isn't enough focus on his story or
characterization to give his character these huge moments as the story goes on, and it ends up
distracting from Nix and Gal's story. Either his story needs to be better balanced with the main story, or
it needs to be diminished. On the surface his story is compelling, but in practice he isn't present
enough for his story to fit within the larger narrative.

It feels strange that Nix, Gal, and Ernie are fairly blasé about not getting the magnesium during the first
heist. There could be a larger emphasis on Gal choosing Nix's life over getting the necessary materials,
and Nix would realistically confront Gal about getting her out of there before their job was done. The
scene with the Hippie Woman currently feels out of place because of the insufficient focus on the
Dwellers as human beings. There are a few attempts at bringing this theme to the forefront, but it
quickly goes by the wayside, like when Gal tries to stop himself from killing Dwellers and Nix taking the
opportunity to start killing. It doesn't feel like they ever really face the knowledge that every Dweller
had the potential to become human again. The scene with the Hippie Woman is too quick and feels
like it's just there to set up the eventual reveal of Abel and the possibility that Dwellers can get better.
This could be a more significant scene if Gal and Nix start to really consider this possibility, maybe
even trying to save the nearly healed Dweller as they escape.

STRUCTURE
The structure works well for the narrative, but as mentioned, the fight sequences at Weston's
Commune with the Dwellers become repetitive due to the similarities and the structuring. Each of the
major fight sequences at the commune use a structure that intercuts major events. This is a major
reason these sequences feel similar. Switching up the structure or changing the scenario in some way
would make these scenes feel fresher. Gregg's involvement in the narrative feels too even until the
ending, and it would be worth ramping up his involvement and emotional state quicker. There feels
like there's a scene missing between Nix's arrival and need for transport and Gal agreeing to
accompany her.

DIALOGUE
The dialogue furthers the story well for the most part. There are issues overall with the similarities in
how the characters speak, and specific instances are pointed out in the script notes. Gal in particular
has a stoic, serious, and declarative way of speaking, which would be fine if Cleave, Throne, Gregg, and
others didn't have that same quality. Showing who these characters are by infusing sarcasm, coldness,
cruelty, peppiness, or any other quality will help us understand who they are better. There are also a
few instances of dialogue being too obvious, like Greg declaring outright what he thinks of people. He
doesn't speak with subtext, and it becomes hard to believe anyone would follow this man. In contrast,
Nix has an edge to her words and a clear personality in the way she speaks, like on page 26.

CONCEPT
The concept is timely and provides and entertaining way to examine modern issues of global
warming, individualism, and capitalism. The story itself doesn't surprise enough to feel different from
other films that explore the same topics. The script goes in the right direction when it brings Abel back
as a Dweller and the scene with the Hippie Woman, changing the "rules" established by the narrative
so far, that Dwellers are mindless killers, and changes it to the fact that Dwellers are victims who are
only killers due to their lot in life. Every scene that starts touching on this goes by too quickly and
doesn't affect the overall narrative as well as they could. The path of the script ends up being too
predictable and typical of the genre.

ARE THE VOICE AND PERSPECTIVE UNIQUE ENOUGH TO STAND OUT WITH
INDUSTRY PROFESSIONALS?
The voice and perspective aren’t standout. Even if the writing is really solid, this may be a little
bit run-of-the-mill storytelling.

There is a unique voice with this writer. While it may not be jumping off the page grabbing a
manager or agent yet, it’s definitely there.

This writer has a truly unique voice or perspective. This will really stand out as a writing sample.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE WRITER'S VOICE / PERSPECTIVE
The set up of the world building and atmosphere are fantastic. We get a clear sense of the world
before and after the death of the sun, and it's clear that the writer has an intriguing and creative point
of view. The story itself is a bit formulaic, but it touches on complex topics that could be brought out in
the same way the world is. It's unclear right now what the perspective of the writer is as the story is too
broad, so a more focused approach will further convey the writer's voice.

DO THE FIRST 10 PAGES ACCOMPLISH WHAT IS NECESSARY TO SET UP THE

SCRIPT?
The first ten pages don’t give enough of a sense of the script’s genre or tone, or don’t give an
indication of where the story is headed.

The first ten pages are intriguing, but need a few adjustments to grab the reader’s attention.

The first ten pages pull the reader in immediately by establishing the tone, genre and promise of
the script.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE FIRST 10 PAGES

The opening imagery is excellent, and this will immediately intrigue any reader. The tone and genre
are apparent from the very first page. The promise of the script could use more definition, especially
when it comes to setting up the big bad. Better characterization of Gregg and a clearer presentation of
Osiris would make the conflict of the story more apparent. The suffering of humanity is clear, but the
reason for the suffering is important to introduce early on.

HOW SUCCESSFULLY DOES THE SCRIPT'S HOOK OR CONCEPT GRAB YOUR

ATTENTION?
The Hook or Concept has appeal, but is something that has been done successfully in the past.
 The Hook or Concept adds an engaging element to the mix. The idea needs some shaping, but
there’s real potential.

The Hook or Concept grabs the reader’s attention and holds it until the final page.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE UNIQUE CONCEPT OR HOOK

The concept is timely, and the hook is attention grabbing. As discussed, there is a lack of definition in
the plot and themes. There are too many things going on between almost equally showing the events
at Weston's Commune and Nix and Gal's story. It at times is unclear whether this script wants to be a
straight action movie or an action sci-fi that ruminates on the complex ideas introduced. There should
be more at stake internally for both Gal and Nix. The set up of the world and the way of life for
humanity after the sun is gone shows great storytelling and imagination, but more work could be put
into the individual character arcs.

HOW WELL DOES THE WRITER BUILD AN AUTHENTIC WORLD THAT SEEMS
REAL?
The world of the script is interesting, but feels like it’s being presented by someone without first-
person knowledge of the environment.

The world of the script feels organic, but it needs a little bit of added detail or texture to
resonate fully.

The world of the script feels detailed, specific and organic, and the reader can believe that this
representation of the world is coming from someone who’s personally familiar with it.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE WORLD-BUILDING AND

AUTHENTICITY
The set up of the world is great, but it's hard to understand how it functions at large. The issue lies in
Gregg's role in the world and how he garners influence. He isn't supported by a group of elites or a
society that thinks like him, so it's hard to understand how he has the power he has. Providing energy
to the masses might explain it, but other people keep the energy running and know how it works.
Defining a reason for Gregg's heightened importance in society will add the needed detail in making
this world believable.

HOW IS THE SCRIPT'S FORMAT, GRAMMAR, AND SPELLING?

The script can become a slow read because of typos, formatting, or other issues.

The script has a few typos, formatting or grammatical issues, but overall looks professional.

The script has limited errors, and the word choice and formatting make this an easy read. It feels
professional.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THE PRESENTATION AND READABILITY

Overall the formatting is clear and professional. There are inconsistent uses of directions like "Cut to"
and "Fade out" that aren't necessary. There are also a few spelling errors and grammatical errors that
sometimes muddle meanings. The few instances of this are mentioned in the script notes, but as a
whole there are no major issues.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Overall this script has potential to be a riveting, heart-quickening, and mind-opening sci-fi with great
action sequences. The themes need a deeper exploration, and the plot could use a narrower focus to
help define the characters and their journeys. Cutting some of the more repetitive sequences and
focusing on the inner conflict will bring the script in the right direction.
 SAMPLE SCRIPT

VIRTUALLY PERFECT EXCELLENT GOOD IMPROVE

98th - 100th Percentile 85th - 97th Percentile 50th - 84th Percentile 0th - 49th Percentile

- - Plot Characters
56th Percentile 45th Percentile

Concept
50th Percentile

Structure
79th Percentile

Dialogue
59th Percentile

RATING
PASS
PLACED IN THE TOP 44%

ABOUT STORY ANALYST AH55

Reader has extensive experience reading for Atlas Entertainment (The Batman, Wonder Woman, American Hustle) and has worked
closely with writers as a literary management assistant.

Percentiles are based on historical data of scores given out by this analyst.

For increased consistency, we calculate a project's pass/consider/recommend rating by using the scores input by the analyst and their history of scoring.
Approximately 3% of projects receive a recommend and ~20% of projects receive a consider.

WeScreenplay proudly uses Coverfly, an online platform that connects writers, readers, and the industry.
 7.

TITLE CARD:

H E L I O S

Stars slowly FADE IN and speckle the blackness.

In the middle of it all, barely visible, Earth appears. No

longer bright and colorful - just a piece of floating debris.

One side of Earth maintains its spherical shape, but the

opposite side is jagged.

EXT. DEAD COMMUNE - NIGHT

A SKELETAL MAN painfully shuffles down a small dirt path

toward twisted, brown plants.

SUPER: 22.3 EARTH YEARS AFTER THE SUN

He falls to his knees, searching through the decaying leaves.

His larger than life eyes search for anything edible.

INT. DEAD COMMUNE HOME - NIGHT

The Skeletal Man walks into the one room home. His Skeletal
Wife and Son look up at him.

The three aren't completely human. Their arms are longer than
expected; their skin is translucent.

The Skeletal Man weaps softly, but severe dehydration

prevents any tears from rolling down his cheeks.

He stares at a full pitcher of water. He grabs it, considers

drinking... and then SMASHES it to the ground. His family
doesn't protest despite their dried, cracked lips.

The Man shuffles over and hugs his son. Crying over him.

He slowly pulls a small pistol out of the back of his over

sized pants tied up with rope.

He puts the pistol on his son's head and looks to his wife
who shakes with grief. Finally, she nods yes.

The Skeletal Man closes his eyes.

BANG --
 The Madcap Mob Diaries
Submitted Writer: J. Writerman

115 pages
Genre: Comedy | Circa: Modern
Script Reader: RI
2030-09-17

LOGLINE
Two aging comedy writers try to revitalize their careers by writing a serious crime drama,
forcing them to reunite with their old partner even as they are drawn into the underworld of
crime.

SYNOPSIS
In a Hollywood studio, the middle-aged writing team of Henry Jackson and Skip Mently watch
the filming of an episode of their TV show, "The Babbette Bunsen Show". Though known for
comedies - and for being quick with a quip - Henry confesses he wants to write something
different. When he spies the director buying cocaine from Toby, a young "assistant", they
decide to write a drama about the drug world. As research, they approach Toby, who
eventually realizes what they're after and gives them each a sample packet of cocaine.

While Henry is a Hollywood playboy, Skip is happily married to Geri. The two have a college-
age daughter, Anais, who hopes to take a year off college to pursue a career in film. At a
fundraiser, Skip catches Geri kissing the pool boy and, in a fury, storms out. He finds Henry at a
bar and his partner quickly agrees that Skip should stay with him. As Skip drives them home,
they are pulled over by the cops after Skip is seen swerving in traffic. When the police discover
the cocaine, the men are quickly arrested. Though they are bailed out, news of the arrest
travels through Hollywood and they find themselves fired from "The Samantha Kennedy Show"
and unable to find work.

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As the men struggle to decide on their next step, they are visited by Toby who has heard of the
incident and wants to express his gratitude because the men didn't turn him in. They tell him
about their idea for a new movie and he agrees to be interviewed as part of their research. Skip
returns home to pack his things where he has a fight with Geri over the state of their marriage.
Geri has felt neglected for a long time but Skip can't forgive her for her betrayal.

Henry and Skip try to distract themselves with work and go to the Original Farmers' Market
for inspiration. They meet Michelle, who years ago was their writing partner, and she tells them
the truth about how the men got their first job: she was sexually assaulted by a producer who
went on to hire Henry and Skip. Disgusted with Hollywood, Michelle left and has gone to
become a successful author of teen fiction, which she writes under a pseudonym. The men are
stunned by the revelation and suggest that Michelle help them with their film.

Knowing that Anais grew up reading Michelle's books, Skip invites her over. When Geri
overhears the call, her reaction tells Anais that she wants to reconcile with Skip and Anais
agrees to help. Meanwhile, Henry, Skip, and Michelle start writing their movie and there is a
clear attraction between Henry and Michelle.

The next night, Skip goes to a restaurant to meet Anais and finds Geri waiting for him instead.
After a rocky start, the two have a good time and agree to revitalize their romance. Henry and
Michelle continue to grow closer. The writers go on to interview Toby who reveals himself to
be a sensitive sort who is dealing drugs to pay for his education.

In the name of research, Michelle and Henry visit the warehouse where Toby told them his
drug deals occur. While Skip and Geri have a successful date, Michelle and Henry stakeout the
warehouse. They're discovered by Toby and his girlfriend Jenny. Toby reveals he set the writers
up to see how committed they were to tell his story. The four of them go for drinks and
Michelle and Henry continue to flirt. Later, Skip returns home to find that they have slept
together.

The writers continue working on their film only to be interrupted by Toby, who is on the run.
He reveals that Jenny is the daughter of a rival gang leader and that they are in danger now that
the romance has been discovered. Toby asks the writers for help staging a murder-suicide so
he and Jenny can start a new life. The writers concoct a complicated plan involving squibs and
fake guns which they'll enact with the help of Scott Ryan, a stuntman friend of Michelle's.

A few nights later, the writers follow Toby and Jenny to their meeting with the gang leader
Crisso and his henchmen. They are taken to an empty field where Toby is told to kill Jenny -
but Crisso exchanges Toby's gun (which is a fake with blanks) with his own (which is real).
Watching this from afar, the writers panic as they realize their ruse is about to go tragically

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awry. Michelle comes to the rescue by racing into the field with her own gun. As Skip and
Henry watch in horror, chaos ensues. Toby shoots Michelle and then Jenny.

Suddenly, cops swarm the field. Crisso is killed and the other men are apprehended. It is
revealed that the police had bugged Henry's house and knew about the planned meeting.
Believing Michelle to be dead, Henry confesses his love - only to be stunned when Michelle
wakes up unharmed. She had been fitted with a squib and had managed to switch guns with
Toby when she ran onto the field. Jenny is also unharmed but the cops announce that Toby,
Jenny, and Michelle will have to go into the witness protection program.

In the aftermath, the writers finish their script - now a Romeo and Juliet-esque tale based on
Toby and Jenny's romance - and learn that it has been optioned. Anais is going to helm the
project. Toby and Jenny are safe and Michelle, now living under her pseudonym, marries Henry.
Skip and Geri have also reconciled. Henry and Skip both quit the writing game - Henry is going
into witness protection with Michelle while Skip and Geri are moving to Europe for a fresh
start.

SCRIPT NOTES
F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote that there are no second acts in AmTobyan lives, but the heroes of
"The Madcap Mob Diaries" might disagree by the time they reach their finale in this bright and
snappy romp. The movie's theme of second acts and second chances is echoed throughout its
numerous plot threads - Michelle gets a second chance at screenwriting, Geri and Skip get their
second chance at marriage, and even Toby gets a second chance to live an honest life. Of
course, the men also get one final stab at Hollywood glory when they sell their script, giving the
film its fairy-tale ending. Our wisecracking protagonists have a rapport which recalls other
famed comic duos like the ones found in "The Odd Couple" and "The Sunshine Boys". The
premise of Hollywood writers colliding with the high stakes of the criminal underground is a
sharp one, as it provides for both tension and fish-out-of-water comedy. The film also has many
strong scenes in which the comedy pauses long enough for these characters to become three
dimensional. The scenes between Geri and Skip (pages 41 - 42), Anais and Skip (pages 21 - 22)
and Michelle's revelation about her past all help to lift these characters and make them three-
dimensional.

The third act has a clever conceit as the Hollywood folk find their special skills are just what's
needed to dupe the crooks. It's also the strongest section of the film as the dramatic stakes are
sky-high, which gives the script a finale taut with tension. By contrast, the earlier parts in the
film pale in comparison. While the film's first two acts create great problems for the characters
- the arrest, the loss of their jobs, Skip's failing marriage - their efforts to solve these problems
lack sufficient dramatic stakes. After losing their jobs, Skip and Henry set out to write a new

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film. While this may help them in the long run, the plot has not yet provided urgency to their
efforts. No one is asking them to write the film and there's no indication that a completed
script will even give them the opportunity to help them rehabilitate their careers. This means
their quest to finish the script lacks sufficient dramatic tension. The lack of a compelling need
means the first two acts lack of a compelling antagonist. The antagonists (the Hollywood people
who have ended their career) are kept off-screen. And since the characters have no desperate
need in the second act, there's no antagonist who stands in the way.

This could be addressed by the simple introduction of a dramatic opportunity to help them
revitalize their careers. There could be a screenwriting competition or Henry might pitch their
unwritten film to an important producer, who asks to see a screenplay by the end of the week.
Whatever the urgency, the result should be that Henry and Skip are compelled to suddenly
produce a script. The stakes could be further heightened if they are told that some A-list
celebrity is interested in the project - but time is ticking. The celebrity would need to see a
script soon. In all these scenarios, we have a scenario which introduces urgency to the film's
second act. The men have a limited time to produce a screenplay which will save their careers.
The antagonistic forces could be their conflicting desires to address the issues in their personal
lives (i.e. Skip wants to write the movie but he also wants to repair his marriage).

Creating urgency will also force the men to become more active in their own fates. Right now,
many of the things that happen to Skip and Henry occur largely by luck. Toby happens to show
up at their apartment after the arrest and they happen to run into Michelle at the Farmers'
Market. Anais sets Skip up on the blind date, making her and Geri the active ones in restoring
the marriage. Consider altering these scenes so that these events happen as a result of the
men's own actions. Let's continue with one of the scenarios suggested above. The men have a
week to produce their screenplay. They track down Toby and convince him to tell them his
story. Then one of them gets the idea to find Michelle (perhaps on the theory that three heads
are better than one). Meanwhile, Skip convinces Anais to help him reconcile with Geri.

These are just suggestions, of course. The point is to create a scenario which A) creates
urgency behind their need to write the script and B) makes the protagonists more active in
their own fates.

Consider finding more opportunities to create conflict between the characters. Part of the
great comedy in "The Sunshine Boys" and "The Odd Couple" comes from the fact that the men
are forced to interact with each other even though they don't get along. This is not to suggest
"The Madcap Mob Diaries" needs to mimic this dynamic with Skip and Henry (though that's
certainly a possibility). However, finding ways to introduce conflict into their relationship will
raise the dramatic stakes. Let's return to the above scenario one last time. Suppose the
producer the men needed to impress is none other than Howard Leachman. This creates a

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conflict since Michelle obviously doesn't want to interact with him again. She tells them the
reason why. What do the men do with this information? They need Howard Leachman to
revitalize their career but how can they accept his help after what he did to Michelle? This
would create a moral dilemma which will add tension. It may lead to conflict between the men
as they are forced to examine the price they are willing to pay for success.

Creating opportunities for the men to confront their own morals is just one possible way to
use the plot to take the protagonists on a compelling emotional journey. This is another area of
the script which needs close examination. All films have two plots - the exterior one (the action
of the film) and the interior one (the emotional arc of the characters). The exterior journey
should provoke the interior one, such as how the exterior plot in "The Sunshine Boys" forces
the two elderly comedians to confront their issues and restore their friendship.

In "The Madcap Mob Diaries", there exists a disconnection between Henry and Skip's interior
journey and the exterior plot. The exterior plot concerns their efforts to write a new film and
save their careers, which gets them embroiled with Toby, Jenny, and the criminal underworld.
The interior journey, though, involves Skip saving his marriage and Henry embarking on a
romance with Michelle. This disconnection is emphasized in the third act when Henry and Skip
remain uninvolved in the film's climactic confrontation. They are witnesses to the climax of
their own adventure as opposed to being active participants.

Consider connecting these two stories. The efforts to write the screenplay should be the thing
that provokes some interior change in the men. This could be as simple as forcing the two men
to confront issues in their own relationship or giving them the tools they need to save their
romantic lives. For instance, suppose that its Toby who ends up coaching Skip on how to save
his marriage? Whatever is decided, it's crucial that the third act climax involves the men.
Perhaps it's all three of the writers who have to jump into the fray and improvise - or write -
their way to freedom.

"The Madcap Mob Diaries" has an engaging premise and plenty of comedy. In the next draft,
focus on raising the dramatic stakes, adding dramatic urgency, and using the plot to give the two
protagonists a more compelling emotional journey.

Page 1. This is a fun opening that delivers a nice twist when we realize we're watching a
TV show being filmed. It also introduces the world of the story and our characters in a way
that's fast and funny.

Page 10 - 15. There is a natural energy to this scene with Toby. This sequence is strong
because Skip and Henry are active and taking charge of their own fates. They want something
and they're trying to get it. Use this technique throughout the film. In every scene with the

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men, examine how to make the men more active in fighting for what they need.

Page 20. "Looks like you need a new writer...." One of the clever things about the film's
dialogue is that it reflects the characters: they are writers and would naturally use writing
metaphors when they talk. Good job.

Page 38. "I do my homework." This should be Toby's line but it's been assigned to Henry.

Page 43. Skip is referred to as "Paul" in the narration.

Page 77. Typo. "bit" should be "bite"

Page 96. Consider finding a way to give us this information about Toby and Jenny's relationship
earlier. Including this much exposition now slows down the momentum. Suppose that Toby and
Jenny told Henry and Michelle the truth when the four of them were out earlier. Then Toby
could show up now and there would be no need to pause for an explanation.

Page 99. For them to agree to help Toby and risk themselves, there should be some very
compelling reasons. For instance, suppose Toby helped them write their movie and they sell it
to some producer. As they're celebrating, Toby arrives with his problem and they agree to help
him to pay him back for helping them get their careers back on track.

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 SCRIPT READER’S SCORESHEET

The concept is strong and/or script has a buzzworthy hook 80

Script’s first 10 pages are compelling 80

Script’s theme is well-executed/interweaved well 90

Story/plot/story logic is clear and easy to follow 90

Every story element feels essential 75

Setting/world is easy to understand/follow 90

The script is not bogged down by exposition 70

Scenes and moments cause/impact later scenes and moments 75

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and/or compelling 60

Tension builds/escalates throughout 60

Characters are interesting/entertaining/fun to watch 75

Characters' choices and actions drive the story forward 60

Characters' motivations/wants/obstacles are clearly defined 60

It’s easy to tell who’s who – Characters are different from one another 75

Antagonistic forces are difficult for protagonist/s to overcome 60

Dialogue is strong/colorful/entertaining/impactful 85

Action/description text is visual/concise/vivid 100

Climax/resolution is entertaining/satisfying 60

The script feels as if it's as strong/funny/dramatic/entertaining as it can be 65

The script's target audience/demographic is clear 90

Content/subject matter is likely to be strategically appealing to buyers 90

The script’s format/spelling/presentation isn't distracting 100

Average Score 76.8

Recommendation Pass

Please note: There is no formal mathematical correlation between scores and Recommendation.

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 BECHDEL TEST
YOUR SCRIPT’S RESULT: No

Bechdel Test Explained

The Bechdel Test is a non-scientific, shorthand "litmus test" that many readers, agents,
producers, and executives apply to a potential project when looking for material with strong
roles for women. The Bechdel Test asks the question: Does the work feature (a) at least two
women, (b) who talk to each other, (c) about something other than a man?

Please note: It's absolutely not Screenplay Readers' place to tell you your work needs stronger
female roles or more diversity, but because the film and tv market is shifting, perhaps slowly,
but undeniably, towards more diversity in casting, we feel we owe it to our clients to provide
this metric so you can decide for yourself whether or not it's even applicable and/or something
you can use when considering your project's submission strategy.

DIVERSITY RATING
YOUR SCRIPT’S RESULT: Diverse

Diversity Rating Explained

We define a “diverse” script as one possessing a significant number of characters from diverse
backgrounds. That is to say, characters who are other than white, male, cisgender, etc.
Diversity rating has no direct correlation to your script’s overall Script Reader Score or
Recommendation. It is here as a metric for you to use if you find it helpful. If we rate your
script other than “Diverse,” it absolutely does not mean your script is necessarily “bad” or
“racist” or “sexist” or not worthy of consideration. We include this rating only so you can
determine for yourself if our opinion with regards to this rating is something you’d like to
consider when determining your project’s submission strategy.

IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT THE BECHDEL TEST AND DIVERSITY RATING:

It is absolutely not Screenplay Readers' place to tell anyone that their work needs stronger
female roles or more diversity, but because the film and tv market is shifting, undeniably,
towards more diversity in casting, we feel we owe it to our clients to provide these metrics so
they can decide for themselves whether or not they’re applicable when determining their
project's submission strategy.

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 COVERAGE, INK. COVERAGE

TITLE:
LOCALE: Europe, U.S.A.
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: 1930s/1940s
FORM: Screenplay
GENRE: Thriller
BUDGET: High
DRAFT DATE:
COVERAGE DATE:
PREPARED BY:

LOGLINE:

The scientific community finds itself embroiled in matters of war and peace as the
nuclear arms race heats up during World War II.

SYNOPSIS:

Berlin, 1938. Professor Otto Hahn sends a letter to colleague Lise Meitner in
Sweden, asking her to check the results of a recent experiment. Lise shares the
data with nephew Otto Frisch and it doesn’t take long before they realize the
atom has been split. In January, Frisch travels to Copenhagen to meet with
Professor Niels Bohr. After briefly meeting Bohr’s assistant Kristine, Niels gives
the scientist the new revelation and before long, Bohr is on his way to America,
where he meets with Einstein, Teller and Fermi, with whom he shares the grand
information.

April, 1940. The Nazis march across Europe and Bohr and Fermi learn that
Hitler is in search of certain materials valuable in the pursuit of atomic energy.
As calls go out for Bohr to become more involved in the creation of an atomic
weapon, he champions the idea that such a device would be the ultimate
deterrent to war, an opinion not shared by everyone.

Kristine and R.A.F. officer Eric Scott flirt as Bohr travels to meet with King
Christian, who champions Bohr as a hero to local Jews. At the War Ministry in
Berlin, Dr. Hahn meets with Dr. Warner Heisenberg to discuss a massive effort to

1
ramp up the creation of a pineapple-sized bomb. In London, Frisch and Eric
discuss a contact in the Danish underground named “Horatio” but are interrupted
by an air raid during the Nazi blitz.

Bohr uses Tom Mix analogies to explain physics to students and is later
surprised to find out that Kristine has an impressive knowledge of war and
weaponry. Kristine heads out to the county to meet up with a group of resistance
fighters as they receive weapons dropped from airplanes above. Heisenberg
continues to trumpet Bohr’s importance, despite pushback from those offended
by the reliance on a “half-Jew” and Kristine starts up a relationship with the
overweight, balding Duckwitz, telling him she practically worships Heisenberg but
learning that the Nazis are banning open discussion of science. She shares the
info with Bohr, who crusades against secrecy.

Heisenberg’s experiments go awry and an explosion tears through the “virus

house.” News of the disaster gets out, along with word that Bohr plans to meet
with Heisenberg, prompting Eric to worry that the Gestapo will soon have Bohr
and thus the tide will shift in their favor. He sends a message to Horatio in hopes
of stopping the Nazis from getting their prize. Duckwitz takes Kristine to meet
Heisenberg and afterwards she heads out with the resistance fighters, including
teenager Jens. Bohr and wife Margrethe argue about his position as Kristine and
the resistance fighters bomb a German freight train.

Heisenberg calls upon Bohr, pleading with him to join the Nazis, if only to slow
down their progress.

Kristin heads to Bohr’s place, overhears the conversation with Heisenberg, and
burns blueprints in the fireplace. Bohr is incensed by what Heisenberg says to
him and he throws him out. Bohr goes to the Royal Theater to see a play.
Kristine is there too and she finds a Gestapo agent and informs the resistance
fighters, who stop an assassin from killing Bohr, despite Duckwitz’s efforts to put
him in the crosshairs. The assassin is killed and is found to have an envelope
labeled “Horatio” in his pocket.

German High Commandant Dr. Warner Best informs Duckwitz that Kristine is
working with them before sending Kristine to find “Knightsbridge.” He further
reveals that the Danish Jews will be rounded up and finished off but that Bohr
must appear to have been killed by someone else, lest his death sway public
favor.

Kristine calls Bohr’s house to tell him that the Nazis are coming so Bohr makes a
daring escape on a bike. He hides out in a shed, then gets help from a baker
before meeting with Kristine and Margrethe on Elsinore Beach. They get in a
rowboat and try to row to safety, though the waters are choppy and patrol boats
threaten to pick them up. They safely make it to a Swedish fishing village,
though, where Kristine meets up with Eric, the two proving to be “Horatio” and

2
“Knightbridge.” They board a train and continue toward freedom and Bohr
becomes obsessed with stopping a Jewish holocaust. Eric and Kristine make
love on the train and as the Germans round up Jews elsewhere, Bohr and crew
make their way to safety inside a Stockholm hotel room.

Bohr meets with King Gustav but is disappointed to find little interest in a direct
appeal to Hitler. Bohr sees photos of Kristine in sexual poses with Duckwitz
before nearly collapsing and when she tries to spirit him away, he goes on the
run again. Kristine gives chase and when Eric questions her, she shoots him.
Her pursuit of Bohr continues until teenaged resistance fighter Jens guns her
down.

Bohr is picked up by the British and flown away in a bomber, which ends up in a
fire fight as Bohr passes out from lack of oxygen.

New Mexico, 1945. Bohr, very much alive, oversees the first atomic detonation
test alongside Oppenheimer, Fermi, and Teller. Meitner writes a letter, praising
Bohr’s efforts, which have helped the Danish Jews return from Sweden. She
also speaks of Bohr’s assurances from FDR that atomic bombs would be used
only as deterrents, even as newspaper reports announce the bombing of Japan.

3
COMMENTS:

OVERALL – (TITLE) is a compelling script with interesting characters, good

subject matter, and strong visuals. About the atomic arms race during World
War II, this script deals with make-or-break issues that literally shaped our world.
While the writers have done a great job of infusing this with verisimilitude, giving
us detailed, layered characters, and dialogue that rings true, there is also a
structural concern here, as the story takes quite a while to progress, struggles to
offer a clear protagonist, and doesn’t make full use of its set pieces. We spend a
lot of time with characters of minor importance and don’t really develop a rooting
interest in a single character until the Third Act. The dialogue, while brimming
with good moments, is burdened with too much of this script’s heavy lifting, with
the thoughts of scientists dominating much of the first half and a visually static
conversation between two men taking up over ten pages at the midpoint. The
fact is that all of the individual details of this script are good – good characters,
good dialogue, good set pieces – but they need to be balanced in a way that
makes better use of them. We need to know our protagonist much sooner, know
what to root for much sooner, and see the story through suspense, action, and
set pieces, as opposed to less visually compelling dialogue scenes. There’s a
ton of great stuff here and the writers’ talents are certainly on display, but in order
to really make (TITLE) a viable spec, another pass appears to be in order.

STRUCTURE/PLOT – All of the pieces of this script are in place. The

characters, the setting, the relationships, the dialogue… it’s all there. Now it’s
time to re-think the structure, to streamline the story a bit and feature the
suspenseful and action-packed moments rather than washing past them for the
sake of dialogue. A smart exercise would be to use a structural template (the
one provided in Blake Snyder’s “Save the Cat” is a very good one but there are
plenty of others that can do the same thing) and plug the beats in. In doing so,
the writers will find that this script is slow to develop in the beginning and lacks a
clear protagonist. By hitting the key structural beats, though, and delivering at
least one big, sharp action/suspense set piece in each act, they can re-shape
what is currently an unfocused look at interesting people in an interesting time
into a sharp, cutting, fast-paced espionage thriller of the first order. Let’s look at
some of the plot points in need or adjustment…

FOCUS – (TITLE) is about something very interesting at its core but the story
utilized to speak to this subject matter is rather unfocused. It’s important to have
a protagonist on a definable journey, as that is where rooting interest comes
from. But who is the protagonist in (TITLE)? And what is their goal? Is it Bohr,
determined to keep scientific discovery public? Or to survive? Or to stop a
holocaust? Is it Kristine, working with the resistance? Or for the other side? Is it
Frisch? Or Eric? It’s very hard to tell, largely because the script opens with the
travel of information from one character to another and even once it’s found its
destination, the use of that information has no clear direction moving forward.

4
Once the information finally makes its way to Bohr, there is a sense that the story
belongs to Kristine, who seems to be the one character with a mission and visual
actions. We see her plotting, making contacts, working with the resistance. This
seems to be the focus of the script in the Second Act. But in the Third Act, it’s all
about Bohr, who outruns his pursuers in the climax and is the featured player in
the resolution. While he was always a part of this story prior to that, most of what
he did was talk. Screenplays are driven by action and audiences respond to
action more than anything else, which is why the natural tendency is to follow
Kristine and even root for her, which makes it a bit unsettling when she doesn’t
turn out to be the most important character in the climax. Identifying the
protagonist and giving them a clearer, more active goal is crucial. This is not to
say there can’t be a lot of moving parts or a complicated narrative. This is not to
say twists and turns revealing people to be something other than what we
thought are a bad thing. But rooting interest is probably the most valuable
element in a screenplay because it is what keeps the audience engaged from
“Fade In” to “Fade Out.” If the story is too unfocused to have that rooting
interest, then there’s a problem. That’s the issue here. Clarify the hero and their
goals and the audience will follow whatever path they may find themselves on.

TONE – Another area for confusion comes from the tone of this script. From the
absent-minded bumbling and Tom Mix hat-wearing antics of Professor Bohr to
the visuals of key characters traveling through forts on skis, the First Act of this
script has a bit of a goofball, comedic tone. But the subsequent two acts are far
more serious, becoming violent and even action-packed in the end. Escalating
the tension level over the course of a script is a good thing but as drastic a tonal
shift as this is can be jarring for the audience. Since the serious subject matter
that dominates the Second and Third Acts is more important than the flippant
portrayals of the First Act, a wise choice would be to employ the more serious
tone from the outset. This is not to say that comic relief won’t work, just that it
shouldn’t work against the overall tone of the story. A modification of the First
Act to match the overall tone of the script will have a positive ripple effect
throughout.

BOOKENDS – This script is bookended by letters, the first from Dr. Otto Hahn to
Lise Meitner, the second from Meitner to Hahn. There is great symmetry in this
device and from a structural standpoint, the writer is to be commended for
utilizing it. That said, there is also a troubling issue with these letters, in that they
are to and from characters who don’t really matter. Though Hahn appears briefly
in the First Act, we don’t ever see him after page 24. Meitner appears even less
in the First Act and then pops up briefly in the resolution as she’s writing the
letter. These aren’t even really secondary characters but tertiary characters.
They are a generation removed from the story itself, really just serving as
expository devices. Since it’s tough to catch hold of a protagonist from the
outset, it’s best not to muddle things by starting and ending the script with two
characters that won’t fact into the rest of the story. The bookends are a good

5
device but unless they feature characters the movie is actually about, they don’t
merit keeping.

ACTION AND SUSPENSE – This script plays best when the suspense is strong
and when there is action to be seen. Air raids, trains being attacked, snipers
putting key characters in the crosshairs… these are the good moments in this
script. They work particularly well with the WWII setting, giving the script an
espionage thriller vibe. Unfortunately a great deal of this script steers away from
such things, particularly in the first two acts, as dialogue tends to dominate the
early parts of the script. But the musings of scientists can only carry the story so
far before the audience will want action, suspense, and visuals. The more the
debate can be seen in the forefront of action, the better. What about opening
with the bombing raid rather than letters? Or the attack on the train? What about
showing that Bohr is being followed early in the script to establish tension? His
talking about scientific principles will only engage the audience so long as they
know that his thoughts are dangerous to the enemy, thus meaning they have a
vested interest in shutting him up. Get to the tension in a hurry and keep the
action coming. That’s the best way to keep the audience on-board for the
discussions.

BOHR AND HEISENBERG – Heisenberg shows up to speak with Bohr on page

54. The conversation, while intercut briefly with a shot of Kristine eavesdropping,
runs on until page 65. That’s a long, long conversation. And while the subject
matter may be important, the reality is that audiences just aren’t going to want to
sit through this much dialogue without more action. Even at half its current
length, this conversation would feel a bit long. This is a major bumping point
halfway through the script, right where things need to turn a corner and start
amping up. While the script does get moving in a hurry about ten pages later,
the reality is that this lengthy dialogue scene just past the midpoint is a problem,
making it hard to keep the audience’s interest until the Third Act kicks in. Trim it
down considerably and keep the action coming.

SET PIECES – Spy thrillers need set pieces and (TITLE) has a couple of them in
the train explosion halfway through the script and the Royal Theatre
assassination attempt near the end of the Second Act. But while the
assassination attempt is drawn out a little bit more than the train attack, the fact
is that both are a bit smaller than they could be. These are moments the
audience will remember. These are moments of suspense and action, the things
that keep audience members on the edge of their seats. But in order to really
command attention they should be drawn out a bit more, hitting the suspense
beats and the actions beats as sequences rather than short scenes. The
assassination attempt does this to a degree but could be expanded a bit more for
impact. The train attack scene is far too brief to be anything more than a
surprise, where suspense and action would be more useful. Expand it and get
the full effect of a useful set piece. Since the script starts a bit slowly, it also

6
might be wise to consider moving the train sequence forward in order to give the
audience needed suspense and action earlier.

THE THIRD ACT – The Third Act stands out in stark contrast to the first two acts,
thanks to the fact that Bohr’s escape attempt gives it action and suspense. It is
powerful stuff, no longer dominated by scientific theory but now utilizing the tools
of cinema (movement and visuals) to drive the story forward. Great stuff here.
Even this could be expanded a bit, though. The bicycle escape is nice but brief.
From there, it’s on to cars, boats, and trains, but in each case, the moments are
a bit too short. Expand each of them by 50 percent, really use them for the sake
of suspense, and the Third Act, which is already pretty strong, will become
amazing.

CHARACTERS – The main characters in this script are individually strong,

although used a bit unevenly in the story. While Bohr and Kristine are both
sharply written, layered personalities, it’s hard to know who to root for, with no
clear protagonist emerging for a long time. The secondary characters also ring
true but again, are ill-fitting into the narrative. Mostly it’s the oversized cast of
scientists that get in the way, as Hahn, Meitner, Einstein, Fermi, and Teller
collectively take up a lot of space but are really not who the story is about.

BOHR – In the end, this character basically becomes the protagonist. But it
takes a long time for him to emerge. For the first half of the script really, the
audience is left without a sense of who to root for. There are so many scientists
and so many people around them, all of whom have their own little stories going,
that it’s only when Bohr goes on the run in the end that we realize it is his story.
As a character, he is a very interesting and likeable one. But the good he does
for the narrative is buried beneath the weight of all the other scientists. Even
though a “scientific community” is a part of the world here, the reality is that we
only need a representative of that community in order to tell the story. Get the
others out of the way, introduce Bohr as the protagonist early on, and the story
will take shape.

KRISTINE – For much of the script, it seems like Kristine is the protagonist. The
information we are given about her early on makes her seem like a prime
candidate. She’s young, works with resistance fighters, has a desire to affect
things in the world. As the story progresses, Kristine proves to be something
different than we originally think which would not be a bad thing if she were more
of a secondary character but since she takes up the space of the protagonist for
so much of the script, it’s a jarring shift when it ends up being Bohr we are
rooting for in the end. Again, a sharply written, interesting character but one that
needs to be used a bit more cleanly in the narrative.

FRISCH – Long before Bohr becomes the protagonist, and even before Kristine
starts looking like she’s the one to follow, the first character that feels like our
hero is Frisch. He is in the opening sequence and travels to spread information.

7
He is an active participation in what is going on and we get a feel for his
personality more than others until… page 25. Then, he’s gone. After the First
Act, he never appears in the movie again. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to
dispense with a character this early in the script, if they’re clearly a secondary
character. But in this script that lacks a focus on a protagonist, this misdirection
is a problem. It throws the audience off, but not in a good way. If Frisch is going
to disappear this quickly, then we shouldn’t know him as the protagonist first. He
should feel like a secondary character and not be allowed to overshadow the
protagonist.

ERIC – This is the character that is used most appropriately. He has exactly the
right amount of screen time for his importance to the story, he’s interesting and
likeable, and his demise in the end is a powerful moment. Every scene he’s in is
better for his presence and even when he dies, it is a good beat, storywise.
Great work with this character!

HEISENBERG – This is an interesting character. His fit in the scientific

community is compelling, as is his relationship with Bohr. But like so many
characters in this script, his screen time is in need of adjustment. He appears
prominently in the first two acts of the script, even dominating the Second Act
with the lengthy dialogue he has with Bohr, but after that moment, he’s gone,
never to be heard from again. It really feels like we need one more beat from
Heisenberg, a moment in the Third Act to pay him off. Otherwise, it seems
strange to have him play so prominently in what comes before.

DIALOGUE – The dialogue in (TITLE) has a good feel to it. The scientific details
seem to ring true and the relationships between characters is often illuminated
thanks to their conversations. There is a good layer of subtext, the dialogue
always offering a sense that there’s more going on than what is being spoken of
literally. While the tone of the dialogue is strong, though, the fact is that this
particular element of the script is overused. Dialogue scenes run on for longer
than they should, with a bit too much information being given through
conversation when visuals would be more powerful. The musings of scientists
don’t tend to carry thrillers as much as people on the run, so the more the
conversations can be used in conjunction with action, as opposed to instead of
action, the better off the script will be. Again, the dialogue itself is good. But it
needs the right balance in order to work as well as it could.

TITLE – (TITLE) is a title that should probably be re-thought. It is obviously

appropriate for the subject matter but it doesn’t really fit the tone or the genre.
This is a dark, WWII thriller about atomic bomb-making. But who would know
that from the title? It needs a title that keys potential producers in on what the
movie is about or at least what genre it fits into.

SUMMARY – There is some really great stuff in (TITLE). The characters are
interesting, the subject matter compelling, the setting strong. The dialogue has a

8
good feel to it and the visual elements are impressive. But for all the good that
comes from these strong ingredients, the fact is that this script is a bit looser in a
structural sense than a movie of this type can really be. It needs a tighter, more
defined narrative with a clear protagonist and a stated goal. It needs set pieces
that last more than a couple of pages and dialogue scenes that don’t last eleven
pages. The fact is that the characters and the story are here. They’re just hard
to find at times. A renewed look at the structure of this story will hopefully yield a
new draft that takes the same characters, subject and setting and puts them in a
more thriller and more marketable light. The writers’ skillset is good. No
question about that. Now it’s a matter of fine-tuning to make (TITLE) the winning
WWII spy thriller it could and should be.



9
 Excellent Very Good Good So-So Not Good

Artistically X

Commercial X

Premise X

Story X

Main
Characters X

Minor
Characters X

Dialogue X

Visual X
Elements

Title X

SCRIPT: PASS
WRITER: CONSIDER

10
 TELEVISION COVERAGE EXAMPLE

TITLE: The Raja’s Dilemma

AUTHOR: ----------
GENRE: Big Bang Theory sitcom episode
ANALYST: ----------
PERIOD: Present
LOCALE: Pasadena
SERVICE: TV Coverage
DATE: ----------

LOGLINE: When Leonard insults Penny’s intelligence and then she

passes a test he fails, Penny leads the women in a challenge against
the men to prove who has superior intelligence.

Excellent Good Fair Poor

Structure x

Plot/Story x
Line
Character x
Development
Dialogue x

First 20 Pages x

Recommend Consider Pass

Script x

Writer x
SYNOPSIS:

Penny takes Leonard with her as she sits an aptitude test that will
enable her to get promoted within the Cheesecake Factory. However
before long he is insulting her lack of intelligence, saying that he is
clearly more intelligent since he has a PhD.

Later, Leonard waits for Penny to return home telling her that Raj
hacked into the system and that she passed the test. Still angry with
Leonard she looks at his scores to see that he failed the test. She
slams the door on him.

Later, Penny comes over to borrow milk still not talking to Leonard.
Leonard tells her he knows why he failed – because the questions were
flawed – ‘no-one with half a brain would be able to answer correctly’.
Penny picks up on the insult. Raj explains to Sheldon that Leonard
failed a test that Penny passed. They begin to examine the questions
in detail and Penny storms off.

Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette awaken and Bernadette initiates a

sex game, assuming that she will be the doctor. This bothers Howard,
as he does not like her assumption. After she has reassured him that
he is the most caring and intelligent man she knows, he wants to play
the doctor sex game, but pissed with him, she has gone off the idea.

In Leonard’s apartment, Howard gripes that he hasn’t had sex in 3

days. Sheldon suggests to Leonard that he challenge Penny to a retest
as his ‘manhood has been besmirched’. Howard agrees that Leonard
should ‘defend the realm’. Raja tells them a story about an Indian man
who loved money as much as his wife and lost both, because he
doesn’t know of any stories where a guy ‘gets whipped by his high-
school-drop-out-ex-girlfriend.’

Leonard claims that he can’t challenge Penny, because it would crush

her when he beat her. Walking in at that moment, Penny overhears
Leonard and empties the carton of milk, she is returning, over his head
and challenges him.

Meanwhile, Howard tries to make up with Bernadette by cooking her a

romantic meal of alphagetti. However when he tells her that he
forgives her, she storms off.
In Penny’s apartment, Penny tells Bernadette and Amy that she cannot
believe Leonard’s ego. They drink wine and Bernadette tells them that
‘Howard is an ass’. They decide to challenge the men.

Howard and the guys discuss how to prove themselves the intellectual
superiors. They challenge the women, who accept and introduce the
fourth member of their team, Leslie. A date is set for the following
evening in Penny’s apartment.

The two teams separately prepare for the challenge with Bernadette
dividing her team into subject specialties, and Sheldon arguing with
Howard and Raj about the times the people in the questions board the
train. Unable to take it anymore, Leonard heads out and runs into
Penny in the hall. He helps her carry numerous empty wine bottles and
offers to drive her to the liquor store, as she is slightly drunk. Penny
says she can make it herself, but thanks him for asking.

The night of the challenge and after agreeing the rules, Leonard and
Penny step forward to answer the first question. However instead of
answering the geology question, Leonard apologizes to Penny and
Penny hugs him. Immediately, Bernadette hugs Howard and asks him
if he has something to say. Howard apologizes. Raj tries to hug Amy
who pushes him away.

Sheldon says that they still need to find out who the smartest person
is and Leslie answers that she thinks that is obvious. Sheldon agrees,
but is unnerved by Leslie’s smile.

In bed, Howard and Bernadette play a new sex game ‘The Maiden and
the Masters’.
 DEVELOPMENT COMMENTS

Premise:

The premise in The Raja’s Dilemma is Leonard insults Penny’s

intelligence and then fails a test that she passes. This causes concern
over how to prove who is the most intelligent and Penny leads the
women in a challenge against the men to prove who has superior
intelligence.

Although this is a strong comic premise for an episode of The Big Bang
Theory, it is less successful than it could be for two reasons. Firstly
because the resolution reads a little easy with Leonard just deciding at
that point to apologize to Penny. This seemingly could have happened
earlier in the script, such as the scene where he helps her with the
bottles. She already seems to have forgiven him at that point, and
earlier than this, he seems to have known that his attitude towards
her during the test was wrong. Consequently the resolution seems a
little easy. Secondly, the comedy in the script needs to be maximized
throughout. Perhaps, having Leonard’s apology much harder for him to
make and Penny less willing to forgive him, will add to the comedy in
the script.

Therefore, although it is a good premise, the writer receives lower

marks because some of the actions in the script read as too easy for
the characters. If the writer is able to make changes to this effect,
then perhaps the writer and the script will receive higher scores.

At 44 pages, the script is a good length for a sitcom script in this

format.

First Twenty Pages:

In the first few pages of a sitcom the writer needs to reveal the comic
premise, create the world and tone of the story, introduce the
characters, their goals, and the conflict between them. In addition it
needs to be funny.

In The Raja’s Dilemma the writer succeeds in establishing the comic

tone of the show. The writer also succeeds in credibly re-creating the
world of The Big Bang Theory and the lives of the main characters that
populate the show. The central characters of Leonard, Howard, Penny,
Raj, Sheldon, Amy, and Bernadette are all introduced, and their goals
for the episode established. Penny wants to prove she isn’t stupid to
Leonard and Howard wants to prove men are more intelligent than
woman.

The writer then successfully sets the funny A and B stories in motion,
with Penny challenging Leonard and Howard making it a team
challenge.

Structure:

The traditional A and B story sitcom structure is evident here. The

script also demonstrates a clear two-act sitcom structure.

Cold Open – Leonard insults Penny for her lack of intelligence. He tells
her she passed the test. She tells him that he failed the test.

Act I – Leonard says the questions were flawed. Penny is insulted and
storms off. Bernadette initiates a sex game, assuming that she will be
the doctor, which bothers Howard, which in turn annoys Bernadette.
Leonard claims that he can’t challenge Penny to an intellectual battle
because it would crush her. Penny overhears and challenges him.

ACT II – The men challenge the women to an intellectual battle.

Leonard apologizes to Penny who hugs him. Bernadette hugs Howard.
Howard apologizes. Raj tries to hug Amy who pushes him away.
Sheldon says that they still need to identify the smartest person. Leslie
answers that it is obvious.

Tag – Howard and Bernadette play a new sex game ‘The Maiden and
the Masters’.

Additional notes:

Give the script a rigorous edit, to give the comedy as much focus as
possible.

Look at the ending of each scene and see if this is the best place, with
the greatest point of anticipation or joke, to end on. The viewer needs
to continue to want to know what happens next.

Consider where additional jokes can be added into scenes, and how
the comedy of a scene can be maximized. Ensure jokes do not get
lost in over long chunks of dialogue.

Read as many sample Big Bang Theory scripts as possible, to ensure

you are following the show’s style of writing. There are several
available at http://www.zen134237.zen.co.uk/Big_Bang_Theory/

Consider the ending of act two and the tag and whether there are
stronger jokes to end on. The lactose intolerance joke at the end of act
one is much funnier.

Character and Dialogue:

Generally the characters are credible within their context and seem to
fit with the show’s depiction of the main characters. Many of the
program character’s characteristics are present from Howard’s
insecurity over the lack of his PhD to Leslie calling Sheldon ‘dumb ass’.
There are also some funny one-liners such as Raj’s comment about
Howard’s mother as boss. The writer has also captured the dynamics
of the relationships within the group.

The dialogue in the script generally works well, and captures the
voices of the show’s characters, however some of the dialogue is
overlong and needs editing. By giving the dialogue a rigorous edit,
some of the banter in the script should increase in pace.

General Notes:

Overall, The Raja’s Dilemma has funny and credible A and B storylines
for an episode of The Big Bang Theory. However, the writer needs to
work through the script maximizing the comedy in each scene. It
would be worth the writer reading many sample scripts from The Big
Bang Theory and sitcom scripts in general, to help them achieve this.

It would also be recommended that the writer work on a new draft,

editing the script and resubmit for a higher score.
 COVERAGE, INK. COVERAGE

TITLE:
LOCALE: AmGaroan Suburb
AUTHOR:
PERIOD: 1995, Present Day
FORM: Teleplay
GENRE: Sitcom Pilot
BUDGET: Low
DRAFT DATE: N/A
COVERAGE DATE: 12/09/09
PREPARED BY: AP

LOGLINE:

Three old high school friends try to impress former classmates at their high
school reunion.

SYNOPSIS:

Cold Opening. Teens Garo, Ellis, and Marv play around in Marv’s basement, as
Ellis forecasts a wealth of sex in high school. When Ellis wins at air hockey, he
humps the table and Marv laughs.

Act One. Marv and Garo, now 27, play air hockey in Marv’s basement, when
Ellis shows up carrying his high school year book and a stack of folders. He
predicts a ton of sexual opportunities at their upcoming reunion, hoping to prey
on the desperation of aging women and impress them with false identities he has
crafted for himself and his friends. Ellis will pretend to be a helicopter pilot, whil
Garo will be a Korean game show host and Marv a mystery shopper.

Garo’s in his bedroom when his mother comes in to tell him his reunion ticket has
arrived but worries that Garo will freak out if old obsession Natalie is there. She
asks him to see sister Suzy’s homecoming dress but Garo refuses, not wanting
to see his sister’s cleavage. When Mrs. Chang leaves, Garo clicks on Natalie’s
facebook page. Meanwhile, Marv reads his own facebook blog and smiles at the
thought of going to the reunion.

1
Reunion Night. Suzy prepares for homecoming, Garo views a slide show of
Natalie’s pictures while drinking heavily, and Ellis arrives at the hotel where the
reunion is being held, dressed in military blues. Garo loads up a camelback with
booze and takes off for the reunion on his bike, while Ellis insults everyone he
meets at the hotel. Marv arrives at the reunion but Garo crashes his bike into a
parked car.

Act Two. Marv is admired by a fan of his blog, the two discussing Marv’s dream
of being a writer, while Garo shows up at his old high school, searching for
Natalie and calling the high school kids hobbits. Marv meets up with old high
school friend Brittany Barnes and the two decide to hang out rather than go snort
cocaine with a garbage man. Ellis hits on girls at the reunion but sees trouble
when an actual veteran arrivew with a prosthetic arm.

At the high school gym, Garo storms the stage to protest a teen’s winning
Homecoming Queen, professing the crown to belong to Natalie. After his
drunken scene, teacher drag him out while students pelt him with cups. Marv
finds out that Brittany now lives with her parents on the same block that he lives
on and Ellis shows up angry that his military persona has been one-upped by an
actual veteran. As Ellis walks off, he catches the eye of the Sandpaper Monster,
a harsh-handed girl who gave him his first handjob in high school, and Ellis
decides to lower his standards for the night.

Garo tries to get back into the high school but instead gets invited to a high
school party when he agrees to score booze for the teens. Marv and Brittany
walk home together, flirting and getting to know one another anew, though Marv
is demoralized when Brittany wants to keep their relationship platonic. Garo
pisses on the floor at the high school party and his own sister screams at him to
get out.

The next morning, Ellis and Marv eat breakfast and Marv tells Ellis about
Brittany, while Ellis admits to having slept with the Sandpaper Monster last night.
Garo wakes up on the floor of the high school kid’s house with a penis drawn on
his cheek, pointing toward his mouth.

2
COMMENTS:

OVERALL – (TITLE) is a funny comedy pilot, using a trio of old high school
buddies now in their twenties as a way of looking at how a generation finds itself
stuck in between the fun and games of youth and the demands of adulthood. It’s
over-the-top approach to raunch comedy is to be commended, as it has the feel
of actual “guy relationship” and gives the script its unique voice. The trip to the
high school reunion is a great way to introduce the characters’ place in the world
as adults and Garo’s misadventures at his old high school offer a funny B-story.
There are a few loose ends still with this script, though, as there’s not quite as
much contrast between the protagonists and the other guys from their old high
school class on display, there’s an unsatisfying feeling coming from the way
Garo’s night ends, and Ellis, while good for a laugh, is a bit hard to take, coming
off as mean-spirited more than sexually driven, making it tough to spend as much
time with him as we do. Cleaning up these issues will help tighten this script but
even in its current form, the script is a good read. It just needs a little work to
become bulletproof.

STRUCTURE/PLOT – The structure of this episode is fairly strong, although

Garo’s story feels a bit too disconnected from Marv and Ellis’s and the ending,
while okay for a regular episode, doesn’t give us the “this is where we’ll be going
from here…” direction a pilot episode demands. Tying the stories together a bit
more, giving us a direction forward, and addressing the less-than-satisfying way
Marv’s night with Brittany ends will go a long way toward making this fun and
funny script sharp and resonant.

MARV AND BRITTANY – The most enjoyable part of this script is Marv’s story,
as he goes to his high school reunion and, unlike his two friends, actually finds
someone he can connect to on a human level. We get the sense that this is the
one character who is in transition, the person on the verge of true adulthood who
might actually find his way past the petty adventures of youth and into a more
meaningful purpose down the road. While that is all great, there is also a
disconnect here, as Marv’s journey down this path ends prematurely. We get a
little flirtation between Marv and Brittany but she cuts off any talk of a relationship
right away. Does this mean a relationship won’t develop? Or is it just a bump in
the road that Marv will overcome in future episodes? It’s hard to tell. Though not
every question has to be answered in the pilot, we do need a way forward. The
prospect of Marv finding a loving relationship with Brittany is a good thing. It’s
what sets him apart from his goof-off friends. It’s the thing that takes this story a
step past the simplicity of a “guy humor” riff and gives it a little heart. It would be
great to see more of a relationship develop between these characters in the end,
rather than ending it abruptly.

GARO’S NIGHT – Garo’s scenes are the funniest part of this script. They are
laugh-out-loud funny. They even wrap around well when we see that Garo has

3
not only ended up getting wasted and foolish with real high schoolers rather than
his old high school class but in doing so, he has put himself in the same social
circle as his own sister. Very funny stuff! But there’s one problem… Garo is
isolated too much from Marv and Ellis. We see them together in the beginning
but after that, Garo’s on his own. Again, in a regular episode this would be fine.
But in a pilot episode, it feels off, as we need a better look at the dynamic of the
three main characters together. Maybe Garo should actually start the night at the
reunion and then wander off when he gets way too drunk, ultimately heading off
to the old high school when he can’t find the girl he pined over at the reunion.
Another choice – and one that ties a couple things together well – would be to
have Garo go to the wrong place as he currently does but then have him brought
back into the fold by Marv. Marv could be off with Brittany, on the verge of
creating a romantic relationship we will be seeing in the future, maybe even
about to kiss, when he gets a call from Garo’s sister, telling him Garo’s at a high
school party, passed out, and telling Marv to come get him. Marv’s night with
Brittany would be cut short but at least we’d get a sense of what it could become.
Marv could then pick up Ellis on his way to find Garo, bringing the three old high
school friends back together at the end of the night and establishing the idea that
no matter where they go while they’re out, these three will always end up
together in some form.

THE REUNION – This is a great setting for this script to take place. It really ties
in well with what the characters are all about. Ellis’s attempts to impress girls by
putting on a fake identity is also great, stepping things up a notch and offering
several strong comedic beats. But there does seem to be a missing element
here, which is contrast. The protagonists don’t really stand out as being all that
different from their old classmates. The people they run into at the reunion are
garbage men and fans of Marv’s writing, perpetual partiers who seem more
interested in doing blow than building careers. But isn’t that fairly close to what
the protagonists are? It would be better to see the old classmates as the
protags’ opposites. They should be successful, grown up, past the slacker life
that our main characters haven’t dug their way out of, so that the audience will
get the chance to see that these people, no matter how successful they may be,
are not necessarily better people than our good guys. But they at least need the
superficial appearance of success and happiness to stand in contrast to the lot in
life the protagonists have found for themselves.

THE SANDPAPER MONSTER – At one point Ellis talks about getting a rough
handjob from a girl referred to only as “the Sandpaper Monster.” Then, at the
reunion, Ellis ends up hooking up with that very same girl. This bit just doesn’t
quite work as well as the rest of the script. It feels shoehorned into the narrative
and, what’s more, it actually feels like a victory for Ellis even when the audience
isn’t going to want him to get one. Yes, he complains after the fact but in reality,
the guy got laid. That’s what he wanted. That’s considered a victory here. But
after being such a jerk all night long, it’s hard to really get behind this victory,
rough as it may be. But what if Ellis picked up a hot girl at the reunion, someone

4
who he vaguely remembered but just really couldn’t place, only to go to a motel
with her and find out that she was a transvestite, a former football star turned
drag queen lounge singer, a reversal that sends Ellis running and screaming
away from the bed? That feels like a more appropriate end to the night for this
rather unlikable character than actually getting a little action from the Sandpaper
Monster.

CHARACTERS – The main characters here are pretty good. Marv is a likeable
window character for the audience to relate to, Garo has some of the script’s
funniest moments, and Ellis’s self-centered approach to life and perpetual quest
for sexual satisfaction make him a useful comedic device. With each of these
characters, though, there is a concern, as Marv’s piece of this story ends too
abruptly to offer the promise of change in future episodes, Garo’s story separates
him from his friends for too much of the script, and Ellis, while funny, is just too
mean-spirited for the audience to enjoy as much as they might. The secondary
characters are a mixed bag, with Garo’s little sister Suzy really hitting the right
note and tying in well, the reunion classmates never really stepping up and
adding the contrast they need to, and Brittany landing somewhere in the middle,
at first offering the promise of a compelling female counterpart to the main
characters but abruptly cutting off the promise of a close relationship when she
should do precisely the opposite. Fortunately, it is only Ellis and the reunion
classmates that have core character problems, as the rest of the issues are
related more to the way the characters fit into the story than the character traits
themselves. Addressing all of these concerns, whether character or narrative
related, though, will help make this script stronger.

MARV – A very good character. This guy is the audience’s way in. It’s easy to
see the world through his eyes, being the one character among the protagonist
trio that appears to find himself at a crossroads between wasted youth and some
form of personally acceptable adult future. He’s likable and fun and easy to
relate to. That said, he gets cut off too quickly in this pilot episode. We need to
get the sense that he is moving on with his life, accepting change, and the fact
that Brittany simply sees him as harmless rather than a potential romantic
interest means that we don’t get a view of Marv as a character capable of relating
to women in a meaningful way going forward. We don’t need to see these two
characters hook up in the pilot episode but we should get the feeling that they
might. That’s the signal that Marv’s world is on the verge of change and it is the
pursuit of that change that makes Marv an accessible character for the audience.

GARO – This is the funniest role in the script. He has the best moments and
every scene he’s in is funny as the result of his drunken antics. Beyond being a
drunken nut, he’s also a guy with some emotional depth, as we learn from the
fact that he still obsesses over a girl he was in love with a decade ago. There’s
nothing that really needs to change with Garo on a character level, although it
does feel like he is too disconnected from the rest of the characters to fit into the
dynamic a pilot episode is expected to establish. Tying his B-story into the A-

5
story and physically putting him in the same place as his friends would be a wise
move.

ELLIS – It’s tough to really like this guy, no matter how funny he is. And to be
clear, he’s very funny. His self-centered outlook on life, his willingness to veer
toward the absurd in pursuit of sexual satisfaction, and his disconnected view of
the world that allows him to believe that great things are always around the
corner lead to some very, very funny moments. But while selfishness and
silliness and sexual pursuits offer a lot of laughs, they are tempered too much by
the fact that Ellis is not only looking for a good time, he’s also being a jerk. He’s
mean to the people he encounters, whether they deserve it or not, and his
moments of cruelty rarely do anything to make the scene funnier. Quite the
opposite, in fact. They take away from the power of the joke. Ellis’s comedy
should come from his selfishness and his drive for sex. That doesn’t have to be
mean-spirited or cruel to be funny. It just has to be selfish on a level that
audiences can connect to, whether they’d admit to it or not.

BRITTANY – Brittany’s issues relate directly to Marv’s, as it is their relationship

that gives the script heart but which also give it an unfinished feeling in the end.
She’s easy to like and it’s easy to root for her and Marv to get together. That
being the case, why destroy the prospect of such a thing happening right there in
the pilot episode? We need to see that Brittany sees something Marv and vice
versa. We need to see them connecting on a level that neither connects to the
other people around them on. This is the undercurrent of what is already there
but it’s not pronounced enough. We should get the feeling that Brittany is the
thing that might steer Marv forward in life, offering him a relationship with
someone who won’t judge him the way adults do but who might also help him
find a world outside of the childish antics of his buddies. Since she squashes
any thought of a romantic relationship at the end of this episode, though, it’s hard
to see those things developing. A better choice would be to keep Brittany as an
attainable goal for Marv, someone worth his spending time with but giving him
the prospect of romance with her. And it’s all a matter of changing the things she
says to Marv on page 26. Give them hope of a relationship and the audience will
want to watch episode two, if only for a glimpse at what might develop between
them.

SUZY – A great character used well. We get just enough of her to find it funny
when her older brother ends up at the same party she does. Very nice work with
this character!

ADULTS – We need more adult characters, not necessarily meaning people of a

certain age but people who have established some traditional career and family
goals in life, so that we can see the contrast between the hero trio and the rest of
the world. We should see them in the form of reunion characters and other
adults the protags meet in the course of their day. Garo’s mother gives us a
glimpse of this but that’s the only place we get it. We need more.

6
DIALOGUE – The dialogue here is pretty funny. It has the feel of guy talk, the
way that young adult men relate to one another when not forced to act differently
for the sake of employers or parents. The dialogue also works well to establish a
past history between Garo, Marv, and Ellis, as well as offering quite a few laughs
along the way. Great work here! The concerns here have already been
documented in these notes. Ellis comes off as too much of a mean-spirited jerk,
thanks largely to things he says to people he doesn’t like, and there’s not enough
contrast found by way or dialogue with “adult” characters. Overall, the dialogue
here is very strong but making Ellis self-centered more than mean and offering a
little contrast would only make it stronger.

SUMMARY – (TITLE) is a funny script. No question about it. It’s also the kind of
script that will speak to a very specific demographic and it does so with a sharply
defined voice. The characters are pretty good, the dialogue funny, and the high
school reunion setting a great place to put these characters’ lives on display.
There are a few things that should be addressed in a future draft though and they
all relate to the fact that this is not just a television episode but a pilot episode in
particular. It needs to set up future episodes by showing us a glimpse of how
things are going to change for the main characters. That’s where it comes up a
little short but by tweaking what happens to Marv in the end, along with getting
Garo back into the same story as his two buddies, and cleaning up a
characterization issue with Ellis, this story could be well on its way to a positive
reception from a cable network like Showtime or FX.

♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣♣

7
 Excellent Very Good Good So-So Not Good

Artistically X

Commercial X

Premise X

Story X

Main
Characters X

Minor
Characters X

Dialogue X

Visual X
Elements

Title X

SCRIPT: CONSIDER WITH RESERVATIONS

WRITER: CONSIDER

8
 COMMIE SPIES

One-hour episodic TV pilot

By

Martin K. Zitter

Draft series bible available upon request.

1O/14/21

WGAw #2094395

Stuart Arbury
RAMO LAW PC
315 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
310.284.34940
M.K. Zitter
1217 North Chester Avenue
Pasadena, CA 91104
626.398.1960
[email protected]
(c)2021
FADE IN:

INT. A GRIMY JAIL CELL - DARKENED

DMITRY BUKOV, mid 30s, tall, blond, and powerfully built,
painfully awakens on the filthy floor - bruised, battered,
and bloodied. He struggles to focus on his surroundings.
CARD: NOVEMBER, 1955 - MOSCOW, RUSSIA, USSR - THE COLD WAR
He looks at his wrists, chafed raw where the handcuffs were,
wipes a smear of blood from his forehead, winces at some
likely broken ribs, and rises, lurching to the cell door.
DMITRY
(in Russian, subtitled)
Guard! Guard! What did Antonov
say? He knows the truth. Guard!
His calls join the cacophony that echoes in long grey
corridors as he collapses back in despair.
[NOTE: Dialog among Russians may vary between proper English
and Russian with subtitled English. When speaking English in
the U.S., Dmitry's syntax is often broken and even comical.]

EXT. KGB MAIN BUILDING, MOSCOW - DAY

A brutishly chiseled grey stone exterior. A cold, snowy day.

INT. A KGB INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

NATALYA BUKOV, early 30s, Dmitry's elegant wife, STANDS in a
corner and squints at a floodlight in her eyes. A slick KGB
AGENT, 30s, enters, sits at the table, and examines her.
KGB AGENT
(smarmily)
Hello, Natalya Bukova. I am Nikolay
Gregori Garin, KGB lieutenant of
the Committee for State Security.
Do you know why you are here?
NATALYA
(tentatively)
I do not know, comrade lieutenant.
Why am I here? Please.
KGB AGENT
First, citizen Bukova, what is it
you do for work?
 2.

NATALYA
I am a clinical child psychologist.
KGB AGENT
Very good. You are here because of
your husband - concert pianist, and
accused traitor, Dmitry Bukov.
NATALYA
Oh my God, has something happened?
KGB AGENT
If I were you, I would not mention God
here. Someone might think you are not
committed to the Communist Party. But I
am sure you are the very example of the
great citizen, comrade Bukova, and you
would do anything the fatherland needs
you to do without any doubts. Correct?
NATALYA
Oh, my G... Yes, yes. I would.
KGB AGENT
Excellent. So, citizen Bukova, did
your husband tell you where he was
going to perform?
NATALYA
Yes. He told me and the children
that he was going to perform and
give masterclass in St. Petersburg.
KGB AGENT
Hmmmm, citizen Bukova. Be careful
with your testimony. If you lie to
me, I will be forced to put you in
jail for perjury. What a shame that
would be for a respectable doctor
like yourself. And what is going
to happen to your children? Foster
home? Most likely, they will be
separated. Am I clear, Bukova?
NATALYA
(indignant)
You need not threaten me. I will
tell you the truth. After dinner,
Dmitry told me that he was going to
perform in America to glorify the
Soviet Union. But he didn't want
the children to know.
KGB AGENT
Yes. Good. That is the truth. We
believe you, citizen Bukova.
(MORE)
 3.
KGB AGENT (CONT'D)
And tell me, did he contact you
during his trip? Maybe he called
you, asked you about the kids or
how you were doing? Or perhaps
someone else contacted you on his
behalf?
NATALYA
(angry)
You well know he called me from the
consulate. No one else. Now you
will tell me what this is about!
She's irate but holds her rage back. The agent turns off the
light and motions her toward the door. She doesn't move.
KGB AGENT
Very well, comrade Bukova. No need
to disturb my office by shouting.
(calls to door)
Duty guard... escort comrade Bukova
back to her home.
NATALYA
(furious)
Wait... What about my husband? What
is happening to him? He is loyal. A
brilliant composer and teacher, and
a war hero. You must not suspect
him. You will take me to him now!
KGB AGENT
Good day, comrade Bukova.
A guard enters, takes Natalya's arm and escorts her out.

INT. A LUXURIOUS KGB OFFICE - DAY

Dmitry, wrapped in bandages, limps in, salutes, and stands at
rigid attention in front of the desk of General Pavel
Andreevich GROMOV, 60s, a scarred and grizzled WWII veteran.
DMITRY
Comrade General - Major Bukov
reporting as ordered.
GROMOV
(smiles)
At ease, Bukov. I have news for
you.
(MORE)
 4.
GROMOV (CONT'D)
After much consideration, comrade
Secretary-General of the Communist
Party of the USSR himself has
proclaimed to honor you for your
services to the country with thе
Order of Merit for the Fatherland.
Congratulations.
Gromov stands and pins the Order to Dmitry's coat.
DMITRY
(relieved)
I serve the fatherland!
GROMOV
Good. Now listen, you and your
family have been awarded a month-
long state-sponsored trip to one of
our secret French Riviera villas,
and a governess for the children.
DMITRY
Thank you, comrade General. It is
an honor to receive this award.
GROMOV
Go now. Take some time and enjoy
the sunshine. But, Dmitry, only
your formidable wife may know about
this award and why you received it.
You do understand why?
DMITRY
Yes, comrade General.
GROMOV
We'll call you later for your - and
your wife's - next task.
DMITRY
(bewildered)
I beg your pardon, comrade General,
did you say my and my wife's task?
GROMOV
(bursts out laughing)
Bukov, did they beat out your
fucking brain in jail? Or you
thought you'd got all this for your
retirement? Ahahahahah. Go to the
Riviera, pull yourself together and
come back for a new task. That San
Francisco trip fucked you up, huh?
It's not capitalism or corrupt
democracy here.
(MORE)
 5.
GROMOV (CONT'D)
It's the USSR, son - the greatest
country in the world and we have
great plans for both of you - all
around the world. Go!
Dmitry salutes, turns on his heel and exits.

INT. A MOVING CAR - DAY

BEGIN MONTAGE:
A CHAUFFEUR drives Dmitry, Natalya, and their two children,
IGOR, 9 and OLGA, 7, in a Mercedes-Benz limo along a coast.
QUICK CUTS:
-- They cuddle, laugh, and frolic in the big back seat.
-- They arrive at a big beautiful secluded beach villa.
-- Two MAIDS and A dowdy GOVERNESS help them in and unpack.
-- The children run wildly through the house exploring.
-- They change into swimsuits and run out to the warm water.
-- Dimitry and Natalya swim a mile out to a tiny island and
make love on a beach.
-- The STAFF serve them an elaborately prepared dinner.
-- They gather in the salon and the children play the piano.
-- Natalya reads to them from a volume of Russian folk tales.
END MONTAGE:
ACT 2

INT. A U.S. GOVERNMENT CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

CARD: 13 APRIL 1953 - WASH. D.C., [ONE MONTH AFTER THE DEATH
OF JOSEPH STALIN, GENERAL SECRETARY OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY.]
Five white males, ages 30-60, dressed in suits and ties with
crew-cut hair, enter and sit around a long conference table.
Engraved name-plates read: ALLEN DULLES, DIRECTOR, CENTRAL
INTELLIGENCE; DR. SIDNEY GOTTLIEB, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER;
CARL WILLIAMS, AGENT-IN-CHARGE; WILLIAM [BILL] UNDERWOOD,
CHADWICK [CHAD] PAUL - SPECIAL AGENTS.
 6.

ALLEN
Good morning, all. I gathered you
here to discuss a crucial new
matter. Central intelligence feels
that we have a mind-control gap
with the Russkis and must catch
up now. I have ordered development
and testing of various substances
and techniques for use against the
Soviet Union because of their use
against U.S. prisoners during the
Korean War. We want to use similar
techniques against them and their
henchmen, particularly against
their Iron Curtain cronies. Now,
I’ll turn it over to Dr. Gottlieb.
SIDNEY
Thank you, Director Dulles.
Gentlemen, this is an
experimental data-gathering
program. It’s also black-ops
domestic field-craft. We know, by
anecdotal reports, that many of
the drugs and techniques in
question have immediate and
dramatic effects, but we have yet
to rigorously qualify, quantify,
and document those effects on
behavior. Today we begin the
process. Agent Carl Williams will
explain the operational plan.
CARL
To commence this local operation,
I have assigned special agents
Chad Paul and Bill Underwood
(they nod)
to secure a safe house in North
Beach, San Francisco, this time,
and the cooperation of several
bartenders, prostitutes, valets,
and cab drivers to assist. Our
subjects will be unaccompanied,
unsuspecting middle-aged males to
be selected at random. Here's how
it will work in practice...
They light up cigarettes and pipes and lean in attentively.

INT. THE BUKOV FAMILY APARTMENT - MORNING

CARD: OCTOBER, 1955 - MOSCOW, RUSSIA, USSR
Natalya is at the stove preparing breakfast for the family.
 7.

Dmitry enters and walks past a long CABINET full of his

medals and commendations, pictures and regalia of his heroic
World War II service.
He greets his lovely bride and the children with gusto.
DMITRY
Good morning, my little ones. Are
you ready for a good day at school?
Mother Russia needs you to grow
strong. And pay attention to your
English lessons today.
NATALYA
And to lessons about our People's
Revolution and the Great War.
IGOR/OLGA
(in unison)
"Workers of the world, unite!"
NATALYA
(laughing)
That's right, children. Now go
wash your hands and bring your
satchels. Papa will take you to
school. I'll go to the hospital.
They finish breakfast and rush to get their bags. Dmitry and
Natalya share a warm affectionate moment as the kids look on.
They march out of the apartment soldier-style.

INT. THE GRAND ORNATE UNIVERSITY CONCERT HALL - NIGHT

Dmitry enters with applause from the sold-out house, bows to
the audience, sits at the Bösendorfer Concert Grand Imperial
piano, and nods to the conductor.
He brilliantly performs the Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No.
2, accompanied by the Moscow University Symphony.
After the long applause, Dmitry is surrounded on stage by
dozens of fans and admirers.
ADMIRER 1
When will you travel to perform in
the West? They must hear you play.
DMITRY
Thank you very much. I will travel
when the Party deems it correct.
NATALYA
(whispers to him)
Your playing was inspired tonight.
 8.

He responds with a loving smile as his adoring wife steers

him slowly and gracefully to the doors as they leave.

EXT. MOSCOW STATE UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - AERIAL VIEW - DAY

NARRATOR V.O.
(Russian accent)
The Moscow State University main
building was the tallest in the
world outside of New York City at
the time of its completion in 1953.
The central tower is 240 meters
tall, 36 stories, with four wings
of accommodations for students and
faculty. It has some 33 kilometers
of corridors and 5,000 rooms.

INT. A LARGE LECTURE HALL - DAY

A mixed-gender class of some 50 STUDENTS are rapt as Dmitry
paces around a grand piano and several large CHALKBOARDS.
DMITRY
(professorially)
Is one of you our next Tchaikovsky
or Rachmaninoff? We must find out.
So, you will begin to learn how to
read and write rhythms that include
triplets and swing eighth notes;
write and analyze diatonic chords;
He notices and calls out a student in the back nodding off.
DMITRY (CONT'D)
Comrade student, do I bore you?
STUDENT
(startled awake)
Oh, no, professor, I am so sorry.
The class has a laugh at his expense.
DMITRY
(continues)
Read and write rhythms that include
sixteenth notes in a double-time
feel; construct modal scales and
identify them by sound. We begin...
The raucous calls of mockingbirds seep through the windows.
 9.

EXT. UNIVERSITY OFFICES - DAY

Dmitry enters and stops at the front desk to collect a pile
of mail and messages. Secretary TANYA KARPOVA, early 40s,
buxom, sassy and flirtatious, greets him with admiration.
TANYA
Good morning, professor. How are
your beautiful children and very
lucky wife today?
DMITRY
Good morning and thank you. We have
our 10th wedding anniversary soon,
if you remember. They are fine and
appreciate your compliments. What
do we have today?
TANYA
I remember that wedding well. Now,
Director Antonov asks you to report
to his office immediately. He has
two very important-looking others
in there with him right now.
DMITRY
At once.
She gives him a sly wink and a smile as he strides off down a
long corridor to a corner office labeled:
"ALEXEI ANTONOV, DIRECTOR GENERAL, UNIVERSITY OPERATIONS"

INT. ALEXEI ANTONOV'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

ALEXEI ANTONOV, late 40s, sharp in impenetrable dark glasses
and a cruel smile, is in a dark, drab office with two
FACELESS men in black leather coats. A knock on the door.
ALEXEI
Come in.
(Dmitry enters)
Come in, Major Bukov. Please come
in. Sit. Good. Now, these comrades
(gesture to them)
from KGB have something - a secret
mission to America and which by
virtue of your combat experience,
English language, and musical fame,
which gives the perfect cover to
travel under, you are uniquely
qualified. They have brought this
(hands it to him)
dossier to acquaint you with what
you need to do in America,
(MORE)
 10.
ALEXEI (CONT'D)
specifically what you need to
learn about America's newly-
developed secret truth serum and
their strange delivery methods.
(sternly)
You will take this document and go
into my adjoining office and spend
as much time as you need reviewing
and memorizing every detail.
DMITRY
(bewildered)
But I have never done this before.
I don't know how to be an agent. I
know very little about America. I
am a piano teacher. Comrades, I
think I am not suitable for this.
ALEXEI
Bukov, you went through the war -
heroically. This is an obligation
to your people and Mother Russia.
KGB AGENT
(slowly approaches)
Comrade Bukov, you understand you
can't turn this offer down. There
can be consequences. Think of your
career as a great artist.
ALEXEI
Dmitry Ivanovich, what these
comrades offer you is a big honor.
I will see that you are promoted to
full colonel after you succeed.
He moves to Dmitry's side, close, hand on shoulder.
KGB AGENT
Dmitry, he is right. You know what
will happen to you and your family
if you do not agree to do this.
Dmitry takes a deep breath and swallows hard.
DMITRY
(now resolved)
Very well, comrades, I am convinced
of the importance of this mission.
I promise to complete the task with
all my skills and abilities.
Alexei addresses the two KGB men.
 11.

ALEXEI
Thank you, comrades. Your mission
is complete as I deliver this file
to Major Bukov, who has agreed,
(to him)
and you may retire to begin.
(to them)
Comrades, we bid you a good day.
Dmitry accepts the file as the KGB pair rise, shake hands and
leave. He and Alexei move toward an adjoining office door.
ALEXEI (CONT'D)
(to Dmitry)
I'll leave you to your work. Tanya
will bring you hot coffee and stay
until you're finished. Also - your
cover will depend on your musical
bona fides - rank will be Honorary
Consular Officer - with limited
diplomatic immunity. So if the
Americans suspect you of spying or
breaking their laws they may very
well arrest you. Be most careful.

INT. ADJOINING OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Alexei leaves. Dmitry moves to sit behind a desk with the
file in hand. The smiling Tanya enters with a coffee tray.
He opens the thick folder and begins methodically turning the
densely typed pages and black and white photo blowups.
At length, he closes the dossier and leans back to reflect.

INT. ALEXEI'S OFFICE - LATER

Tanya is tidying up the office as Dmitry re-enters.
TANYA
So soon? You are a quick study.
DMITRY
I am also good at memorizing music.
They nod and smile as Dmitry hands her the file and leaves.
Now alone, Tanya LOCKS the door behind him, listens as his
footsteps fade, and takes a tiny Minox camera from Alexei's
DESK. She lays out the pages and hastily PHOTOGRAPHS each.
 12.

INT. THE BUKOV'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Dmitry enters to a table set with borscht, corned beef,
cabbage, and boiled potatoes. They sit and she serves.
DMITRY
(to Natalya)
Thank you for this, dearest.
(cover story)
Now, I have some great news. I have
been ordered to perform a private
concert for some very important
people and give masterclasses in St.
Petersburg for a few days.
(to them)
Children, while I am gone you must
help your mother in all things.
IGOR/OLGA
Yes, papa.
DMITRY
Good.
The proud parents glow with pride at the precociousness of
their offspring, and pass the borscht.

INT. THE BUKOV'S BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT

Natalya is in bed. Dmitry lays down beside her and whispers.
DMITRY
(to her ear)
I need to tell you something.
NATALYA
What's that, dear?
DMITRY
I lied to you at dinner so the
children would not know.
NATALYA
Why would you do that?
DMITRY
I am being sent to America on
business and I don't want them
boasting to their friends. I wish
I could take you and them with me.
 13.

NATALYA
(whispers, emotionally)
Play for the Americans and for your
family and country. I love you and
I am so proud of you.
They warmly embrace and quietly reflect together. She drifts
off to sleep. He lies awake awhile staring at the ceiling.

EXT. UNIVERSITY SQUARE - DAY

Dmitry emerges from the University building and walks several
blocks from the campus to the MOSCOW PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL.

INT. MOSCOW PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL - DAY

It's a gray and foreboding interior. Dmitry is met at the
entrance by the white-coated, whiskered, and distinguished
Dr. NIKITA MARKOV, late 60s.
NIKITA
Good day, comrade Bukov. Time is
short so let's begin our tour with
the worst of our cases.
DMITRY
Thank you, doctor Markov.
They walk down a long drab corridor, hearing muffled shouts
and groans, to a steel bolted door. Nikita unlocks it and
they step into a cacophony of screams of fright and agony.

INT. LOCKED HOSPITAL WARD - SAME TIME

Some 50 grey-clad MEN are seen through the bars of the ward
and beyond aimlessly moving around and gesticulating or
sitting on the floor and rocking to and fro.
NIKITA
(compassionately)
These men, and other wards full of
women, are suffering from a disease
of the mind about which we know
almost nothing. It is some sort of
chemical or electrical imbalance
that also seems to give rise to
religious hallucinations. They see
and hear imagined things and
feel drastic antisocial urges.
Some still suffer from the after
effects of the war. We have given
them electric shocks and drugs but
nothing helps.
 14.

DMITRY
Is there any hope?
NIKITA
We see little hope, but worse, we
see the Americans weaponizing these
kinds of conditions with secret
drugs and delivery methods designed
to render our troops on the
battlefield incapable of fighting
or even surviving when we go to war
with them. A doomsday drug.
DMITRY
This is truly a matter of worldwide
importance. We must do something.
NIKITA
It is. As I understand, you have
been briefed about intelligence
reports that the Americans have a
program to do just that. We have
reliable information that they have
a truth serum to render ordinary
citizens like these helpless,
wandering the streets like ghosts,
and in of all places, around the
neighborhood of North Beach, San
Francisco, California. Now you know
what we're up against.
DMITRY
I understand. But who is capable
Of understanding such a substance?
NIKITA
There are a few people - a Swiss
chemist named Albert Hoffman and a
Berkeley and Harvard psychologist
named Dr. Timothy Leary.
Nikita walks Dmitry back and sees him off with a handshake.

EXT. MINISTRY OF CULTURE - DAY

Dmitry walks into another gray and faceless Soviet-era
building in a drab section of Moscow.

INT. MINISTRY OF CULTURE RECEPTION - DAY

Greeting Dmitry at reception is SERGEI SMIRNOV, mid 60s, trim
and dapper in a tailored suit, and his assistant TATIANA,
30s, attractive but severely proper.
 15.

SERGEI
(effusive)
Greetings, comrade Bukov, it is an
honor to work with you again. Your
performances are inspiring. This
is my assistant, Tatiana.
TATIANA
(extends hand)
Pleased to meet you, comrade Dmitry
Ivanovich. I have very much enjoyed
your fine concert performances.
DMITRY
Thank you, comrade Smirnov. Pleased
to meet you Tatiana.
SERGEI
Please come this way to my office.
They walk a short way down another seemingly endless hallway.

INT. SERGEI'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

They enter and are seated. Sergei pours two glasses of vodka
and hands one to Dmitry. They raise them.
SERGEI
(to Dmitry)
To Mother Russia.
DMITRY
Mother Russia.
They drink and sit. Tatiana quietly takes notes.
SERGEI
Dmitry Ivanovich, Alexei appointed
me your handler and sole contact
under the cover of the KGB for the
duration of these tasks. Tatiana
will know my whereabouts at all
times. As per the dossier, you are
henceforth our music impresario and
booking agent for Soviet music and
culture in America. In the event
of an emergency our unique password
shall be "Yankee Doodle". Do you
know that American expression?
DMITRY
(laughs)
Yes, comrade, I will be your Yankee
Doodle Boy!
 16.

They break the tension with hearty laughs.

SERGEI
(seriously)
Now, remember, you must telephone
me every night, at 10 pm your time,
9 am Moscow time, that you are on
the West Coast, collect, person-to-
person, but from a random pay
telephone, not from any other, and
with our codewords. Is that clear?
DMITRY
Yes, comrade.
SERGEI
Good, now let us bring in your
client liaisons.
Tatiana rises and goes to open a door to an adjacent room,
beckoning two women to come into the office. NADIA FEDEROVA,
30s, Secretary of the Russian Symphony, and KATYA SOKOLOVA,
30s, Secretary of the Moscow Opera.
SERGEI (CONT'D)
Ladies, until now you have known
comrade Dmitry Ivanovich Bukov as
the principal pianist of the Moscow
University Symphony, but from now
on he will be your organizations'
booking agent as well in the United
States of America.
NADYA/KATYA
(effusive)
It is an honor to work with you,
comrade Bukov.
SERGEI
As you know, the American diplomat
George Kennan is a passionate
advocate of cultural exchange for
peace. We have arranged a meeting
with him in Washington after which
you go to San Francisco to book
West Coast concert tours for us.
NADYA
The Symphony can hardly wait to go.
KATYA
We at the Opera are very excited.
 17.

DMITRY
Thank you. Nadia, Katya, I will do
my best to represent you and the
Soviet Union to the Americans.
SERGEI
Very good. Now Dmitry Ivanovich,
your flight to Washington is at 3
am tomorrow so you should go off
and get some rest. Ladies, we
thank you again for your service.
They all rise, shake hands, and exit.

EXT. A SECLUDED CORNER OF THE CAMPUS - DAY

Tanya walks along a narrow path between two buildings. She
stops and looks around to see she's unnoticed, places a tiny
PARCEL behind a tree and leaves. In moments a nondescript
figure emerges from a doorway and retrieves the DEAD DROP.
ACT 3

INT. PERIOD JET AIRLINER - DAY

One of only five passengers, Dmitry settles into a luxurious
seat in a TUPOLEV TU-104 JETLINER, and immediately falls
asleep. The flight is long, boring, and uneventful.

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. AIRPORT - DAY

An official car takes Dmitry to the U.S. State Department.

INT. U.S. CULTURAL AFFAIRS OFFICE - DAY

Dmitry is escorted into a conference room where he meets
GEORGE KENNAN, late 50s, dapper and scholarly looking.
GEORGE
Hello, Mr. Bukov, I'm delighted to
meet you. How was your flight?
DMITRY
Thank you, sir. It is very long and
as you know, most boring dull.
GEORGE
Of course, I know it well. And this
is your first time in the U.S.?
 18.

DMITRY
Yes, sir, and I am wish to very
much to be on with business.
GEORGE
Of course, have a seat, and I'll
brief you. You may not know that I
recently left the State Department
for a job at Princeton University.
DMITRY
But will you continue to be as a
cultural attaché?
GEORGE
Oh, yes, very much so. As your
office requested, we coordinated
with several classical music venues
on the West Coast that are eager to
have your clients and others tour.
So we set up a trade show of sorts
in the San Francisco Palace Hotel
where you and they can meet and
greet and ply your wares. Is that
what you had in mind?
DMITRY
Yes, sir, that is so.
GEORGE
Good, and on Halloween Day, which I
can tell you is quite an event
there. In the meantime, we have a
suite for you at the D.C. Hilton
for you to rest before you go on.
DMITRY
Thank you for your kindness.
They rise and shake hands and Dmitry departs. An adjacent
door opens and the pipe-smoking ALLEN DULLES, 50s, Director,
Central Intelligence, steps into the room.
ALLEN
Very interesting, George. What do
you make of him?
GEORGE
Well, Allen, from my point of view,
he's a welcome contact for our
cultural peace initiative. But I
can see from your agency standpoint
that he is likely also a KGB
intelligence asset.
 19.

ALLEN
Right you are. Our source TANYA
tells us what they're after but not
how they'll get it. I'm wondering,
do we also have an intelligence
drug-gap with the Russkis?
Allen puffs his pipe as they ponder the question.

EXT. SFO AIRPORT PRIVATE ARRIVALS - DAY

A limo from the Russian consulate is waiting.

INT. LIMO TO CONSULATE - HALLOWEEN EVE

Dmitry enjoys his first glimpse of the streets of San
Francisco heading into town and arrives at an imposing seven-
story building in a residential area. A plaque on it reads:
CONSULATE GENERAL OF RUSSIA

INT. RUSSIAN CONSULATE - CONTINUOUS

SVETLANA PETROVA, 30s, tall, very chic and polished, opens
the front door and warmly greets Dmitry.
SVETLANA
We've been expecting you, comrade
Bukov. How was your journey?
DMITRY
Thank you. Long and tedious. I
much prefer arriving.
They both knowingly laugh and head for the elevator.
SVETLANA
Follow me. I will take you to your
suite so you can clean up and rest.
Consul Popov requests the honor of
your presence for dinner at eight.
DMITRY
I will be honored.

IN THE ELEVATOR/SUITE:
Arriving on the seventh floor the elevator opens into an
expansive private penthouse suite with a panoramic view from
the Pacific Ocean, Golden Gate Bridge, and across the Bay
north and eastward. He walks to the window.
 20.

DMITRY
Magnificent.
SVETLANA
Please let me know if there's
anything else I can do for you.
DMITRY
Very kind of you. Please give me a
wake-up call at seven o'clock.
She turns and leaves. He unpacks and heads for the shower.
Emerging, he flops down on the bed for a nap.

INT. CONSULATE DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Dmitry, in full dinner-dress, enters the magnificent art deco
dining room, taking a moment to admire it. Svetlana and
Consul IVAN POPOV, 60s, distinguished and sophisticated in
evening wear, arrive.
IVAN
(effusive)
Dmitry Ivanovich, welcome to the
wonderful San Francisco and the
Russian peoples' consulate.
DMITRY
Thank you, comrade Popov, it is a
distinct pleasure to meet you.
IVAN
(indicating)
Please have a seat, my friend, and
we shall dine. But before we drink
good old vodka you must try some of
their local wines from Napa and
Sonoma. They rival all of the best
French and Italian and Germans.
SVETLANA
(conspiratorial)
But comrade Bukov, say nothing in
Moscow about our pleasures here.
Someone might not understand.
DMITRY
(laughing)
Fear not, comrades, the secrets of
your luxuries are safe with me.
They are seated and the sumptuous meal begins with several
wines and dishes delivered by liveried servants.
 21.

SVETLANA
We are also very eager for you to
give a concert for us. I have
invited our friends for later in
the week, if you're available.
DMITRY
I shall be delighted to perform.
At length, the plates are cleared and Ivan produces cigars.
IVAN
Now, let us talk about business. As
you know, the Americans are very
keen on mind-control using various
drugs. I think that their religious
evangelicals may have found a way
to make everyone believe their
prophecies and create a theocracy.
(he lights their cigars)
The best way for you to proceed
might be to just sniff around and
ask the taxi drivers and doormen
for information. Maybe even
bartenders and waitresses.
DMITRY
Understood. I can start tomorrow
night, after the conference.
IVAN
Good. Be thorough and careful. We
must learn what they're up to, but
I needn't tell you to be especially
vigilant. By the way, I spoke with
comrade Smirnov before our dinner
so you needn't call him tonight.
We'll fill him in tomorrow. Now I
would suggest that we all turn in
and get an early start.
They rise and leave to return to their quarters.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM EVENT - HALLOWEEN DAY

The large open space is set up convention-show style with
booths and tables with brochures and souvenirs proclaiming
the musical and cultural attractions of some 30 nations.
Buyers and promoters wander from booth to booth meeting
representatives, chatting, eating, and drinking.
Dmitry is mobbed by a dozen buyers from classical music
venues eager to have Soviet and Russian players perform.
 22.

But, he is also closely WATCHED during the event by a

familiar face - CIA agent Carl Williams.
BUYER 1
(hands business card)
Mr. Bukov, we're with the Pasadena
Symphony Association and would love
to have you and the Moscow Symphony
perform for us next Spring. Please
call us as soon as possible so we
can compare calendars.
DMITRY
(takes card)
Thank you. I have five days here so
I will soon call you. I have heard
about beautiful Pasadena.
The crowd mills about with many unheard encounters throughout
the day and eventually fades away, leaving just the staff.

HOTEL LOBBY - CONTINUOUS

On his way out, Dmitry stops to play the Chopin Minute Waltz
on the lobby grand piano, quickly drawing a rapt crowd.
ACT 4

EXT. HOTEL ENTRANCE - NIGHT

Dmitry exits the hotel into the cool evening air. Loud
costumed Halloween revelers flock on Market Street.
At the valet desk, CIA agent Carl Williamson is quietly
speaking with a VALET and a DOORMAN. He alerts them as they
notice Dmitry walking to the curb in the DAMP CHILLY air.
CARL
(whispers, points)
It's the Russki piano player.
Carl leaves. The doorman rushes to Dmitry's side.
DOORMAN
May I hail you a cab, sir? Will you
be returning to the hotel tonight?
DMITRY
Yes, but I wish to see more of your
city. Is there a place special you
would say?
 23.

DOORMAN
There are lots of great places.
I'll hail you a driver who knows
the city well. He'll guide you.
The doorman blows his whistle beckoning a SPECIFIC cab, which
approaches. The doorman and cabbie share a wink and a nod.

INT. TAXI IN SAN FRANCISCO - CONTINUOUS

Dmitry enters the cab.
DMITRY
So, where to have some drink? Is
good North Beach place to go?
CABBIE
To tell you truth, mister, North
Beach is colorful but most of the
bars there are dives and could be
dangerous. But a historic place on
Columbus Avenue called the Goldrush
Saloon might be more comfortable.
DMITRY
Goldrush Saloon is good. So what
else is okay here?
CABBIE
Well, the Beatniks with their crazy
poetry and cool jazz have invaded
North Beach, the pretty boys are in
the Castro, and the motorcycle
gangs are busy selling reefer.
DMITRY
Reefer? What they call them - dope
fiends?
CABBIE
Right you are, buddy. There have
been a lot of doped-up fiends
around North Beach lately.
DMITRY
Do reefer dope you so bad?
CABBIE
No sir, what these people are on is
way beyond reefer. Some of them go
running, screaming, through traffic
or hug the trees. A few of them
have jumped out of windows. Bad.
 24.

DMITRY
When it all begin?
CABBIE
Oh, it's been going on for months.
Dmitry sits back. Seeing the sights. Thinking.
CABBIE (CONT'D)
Well, here we are, mister. The fare
is $2.50. What do you think?
DMITRY
(looking out)
The Goldrush Saloon looks like nice
place. Here is three bucks?
(hands him bills)
How you say - keep change?
CABBIE
Yes, thank you, sir. I think I'll
stay around here for a while.

EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

Dmitry exits the cab and heads toward the entrance. The
bouncer opens the door, smiles at him, then at the cabbie,
and then nods to someone inside. Dmitry enters the bar.
The bouncer walks quickly to the cab's open window.
BOUNCER
Where'd ya get this one?
CABBIE
The Palace. Some kind of out-of-
town music convention going on.
BOUNCER
Looks like a good one. Lucy will
have fun with this guy.
The bouncer hands the cabbie two dollars with a wink and a
nod and hurries back inside.

INT. GOLDRUSH SALOON – NIGHT

Two young WOMEN, late 20s, are seated at the bar. At the
bouncer's SIGNAL, one rises as Dmitry approaches and GOES OUT
the door. The other, LUCY, costumed in a sexy CLEOPATRA
outfit, smiles at Dmitry as he approaches the empty seat.
DMITRY
Pardon me, miss, is okay I sit?
 25.

LUCY
Sure. Janey had to go home to feed
her rat husband. I'm Lucy.
DMITRY
(laughs)
Hello, pleased to meet you, Lucy. I
am Dmitry. Janey has rat husband
is for funny? What do you drink?
LUCY
A Manhattan. My favorite.
DMITRY
I will take Manhattan too.
LUCY
(to bartender)
Hey, Henry, a Manhattan for Dmitry.
HENRY
Coming right up, Lucy.
With his back turned to them, Henry fills a glass with the
beverage, then withdraws an EYE DROPPER from under the bar
and squeezes ONE TINY DROP of a clear LIQUID into the drink.
He approaches and presents it to Dmitry with a flourish.
HENRY (CONT'D)
Here now, Dmitry, me boy. Enjoy!
Dmitry INTENTLY inspects the deep-amber cocktail. He holds
the Manhattan up to the light observing its pure color,
sniffs and savors its aroma, senses no danger, takes a sip,
smiles approvingly, and drinks half of it.
LUCY
So, Dmitry, what do you do? Are
you married? Kids?
DMITRY
Yes, I have. I am Russian pianist
and music promoter in your town.
LUCY
(brightens)
I'm a country and western singer
and people tell me I sound just
like Loretta Lynn. Maybe you could
promote me in Russia?
DMITRY
Well, I have not promote your kind
talent, but who know? What do you
do when not sing?
 26.

LUCY
I'm studying psychology at Cal
State but I come here to make new
friends. I'm very interested in
Freudian analysis and its effects
on modern society. I think that you
and I are going to be good friends.
DMITRY
(downs the drink)
Yes, please, friends. Is easy to
make friend with Americans. It is
friendly here.
(pauses)
Please excuse a moment.
He rises and heads toward the toilets.
LUCY
I'll save your seat. Would you like
another drink?
DMITRY
Please. I come back soon.
Lucy exchanges a glance with Henry and wards off several
takers while reserving his seat. He returns and sits.
LUCY
So as I was saying, Freud had some
great insights into how the mind
works, you know, the subconscious
and the id and the ego.
(pauses)
Say, you look a little pale. Are
you okay?
DMITRY
Oh, yes, I am fine. It is much
travel and many time change.
LUCY
As I was saying, Freud was the
founder of psychoanalysis, a
clinical method for treating
psychopathology through dialogue
between a patient and analyst.
(pauses)
Say, you look like you could use
some fresh air. Let's take a walk.
DMITRY
Yes. Walk is good. I am to feel
very... something.
 27.

Henry gives Lucy a wink as she gets Dmitry up. She grabs his
arm as he walks unsteadily with her past the bouncer out into
the now COLD and FOGGY night air.

EXT. GOLDRUSH SALOON - CONTINUOUS

Dmitry is staggered and unfocused, uneasy on his feet. They
walk down the block where the same cabbie is waiting. Lucy
opens the door and helps the dazed Dmitry get in.

INT. TAXI – CONTINUOUS

As they travel up Columbus Avenue the cabbie watches in the
mirror as Lucy sits close to Dmitry holding him as he reddens
and stares ahead with his eyes become glassy and ever-wider.
LUCY
It's okay, Dmitry, you'll be
alright, I'm here to take care of
you. Just a little bit farther.
The cab pulls up in front of an UPSCALE TOWNHOUSE.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Lucy helps Dmitry out of the cab and they head toward the
townhouse door. In the shadows is agent BILL with a WALKIE-
TALKIE to his ear. He keys and softly speaks into it.
BILL
(to walkie-talkie)
Hey, Chad, you awake?
CHAD (O.S.)
Yeah, we got another one?
BILL
Yeah, Lucy's on her way in with
him. It looks like a pussy cat.
CHAD (O.S.)
Okay, copy.

INT. TOWNHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

IN A LARGE CLOSET:
Chad sits in a dim space the size of a walk-in closet with
two 16mm sound cameras mounted on tripods facing a glass
about two-feet tall by four-feet wide.
 28.

The glass is the backside of a two-way mirror on the other

side of which is a modern brightly-lit bedroom.
Chad picks up a phone and dials a 7-digit number. He moves to
CAMERA-1 and starts it as Dmitry and Lucy appear in the room.
CHAD
(to phone)
Hey, Carl, Lucy just arrived with
another one. Looks like a piece of
cake. I just started up.
(pause)
Okey dokey.

INT. TOWNHOUSE BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Lucy pulls the docile Dmitry through the door, pushes him
down onto the bed, and starts undressing him.
LUCY
Say, who are you really, Mr.
Dmitry, and why have you come to
San Francisco? Tell me the truth!
DMITRY
(dazed)
I am piano player. I can see color
Rachmaninoff... look at notes...
LUCY
Sure you can, buddy, now let's get
these shoes and jacket off.
(removes clothing)
Tell me, how often do you cheat on
your wife? Who sent you here?
(no response)
Do you cheat on your taxes too? Do
you pay taxes in Russia? Huh? Are
you some kinda commie?
He's virtually comatose, out, as she removes his shoes,
wrestles him out of his jacket, and notices that the tailor's
mark is in Russian or some language like it. She gets his
shirt and tie off and struggles while removing his pants.
He's in his tighty-whities and tall black garter-socks only.
Lucy pulls his PASSPORT and WALLET out of his pocket.
LUCY (CONT'D)
(reading)
I'll be damned. It says your name
really is Dmitry Bukov and you are
from Moscow, Russia.
(to him)
Who are you? Are you a spy?
 29.

DMITRY
(stirring)
Yes... spy... help... I am become
those men... I become those men.
His affect shows that he's going in deeper.
LUCY
What? You're a spy? You want me to
help you to spy? What do you want
to know? Who are those men?
DMITRY
I am become insane... I am those
men... will you lock me away...
will you execute me...?
LUCY
Nobody's gonna execute you. Yeah,
you're kind of insane. Now tell me
more about what you're spying for.
Are you going to invade California?
She goes to the mirror and presses the passport against it
for Chad to read. With her back to him, Dmitry COMES TO,
RISES, STUMBLES, and rushes OUT the unsecured door.
A DARK ALLEY:
He runs blindly into a dark corridor, crashing into walls,
turning toward the back of the building and into an alley.
ACT 5

EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - NIGHT

He emerges from the alley and around the corner onto busy
Columbus Avenue with blaring traffic and trick-or-treaters
who stop to laugh at him SHIVERING in his socks and skivvies.
Parked at the curb is a small panel van labeled:
"TIM & GLORIA'S NORTH BEACH FLORISTS"
The sliding door is ajar. He sprints for the van and dives
inside hiding in the back behind rows of floral arrangements.
BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE:
Through his eyes we see the flowers come to vivid life in
FRACTAL patterns of color and form as they sing and dance
around him in dazzling wonder to the strains of Rachmaninoff.
END DREAM SEQUENCE:
 30.

IN FRONT OF THE TOWNHOUSE - SAME TIME

Chad, and Lucy, with Dmitry's wallet and passport in hand,
rush out the front to Bill.
CHAD
(to Bill, panicky)
Which way did he go?
BILL
Which way did who go?
CHAD
The subject. He escaped.
BILL
Holy shit. How did that happen?
CHAD
Never mind how. We gotta find him
before the local cops do and blow
the operation... and our careers.
LUCY
I have his wallet and passport.
Maybe that'll help.
BILL
(takes it, reads)
Holy shit. This guy really is from
Moscow. Dmitry Bukov, a Russian
passport. Holy fuck, we gotta find
him or our asses are grass.
CHAD
Okay, Bill, you go left and I'll go
right, Lucy stay here and try to
hold onto him if you see him. Go!
They take off frantically running through the crowds.
UP THE BLOCK:
Chad runs to the corner, looks around and scratches his head.
DOWN THE BLOCK:
Bill runs to the corner looks around frantically.
BACK IN FRONT OF THE TOWNHOUSE:
CHAD (CONT'D)
Okay. This... did not happen. Is
that right? We just go on...?
 31.

Bill and Lucy vigorously nod in agreement. Bill unlocks the

gate and they go back in.

EXT. BACK AT THE FLORIST VAN - MOMENTS LATER

TIM HOLMES, 30s, the handsome African-American co-proprietor
of North Beach Florists, returns to the van, slams the door
shut, and drives off.
He soon looks in his mirror and sees Dmitry huddled in the
back, cowering, panicked.
TIM
Hey, man, what's happenin'?
DMITRY
(pleading)
... help me...
TIM
Right. Totally awesome costume you
got on there. Any place special I
can drop you?
DMITRY
... Rachmaninoff... see him...
TIM
Okay, man... I think I can see
what's happening... You're freaking
out. A bummer. A bad trip. Not
uncommon these days. Do you want
me to take you to the hospital?
DMITRY
... no hospital... phone Sergei...
TIM
Who is Sir Gay? What's your name?
DMITRY
I see it... it is full of notes...
TIM
Okay, man. I'll take you back to
the shop and my old lady where
you'll be safe and we can get you
dressed. Is that okay, man?
DMITRY
... spasibo... Yankee Doodle...
TIM
What was that, man? Your friend?
Who?
(MORE)
 32.
TIM (CONT'D)
Okay, man, just relax we're almost
there. Gloria knows how to deal
with bad trips.

EXT. FLORIST STORE - CONTINUOUS

Tim pulls into the alley behind the store, parks, and gets
out. GLORIA LOPEZ, late 20s, his partner and glamorous tie-
dyed, long-tressed, BEATNIK PRINCESS comes out to meet him.
TIM
Hey, babe, wait 'til you see what
the cat dragged in.
He opens the truck door and Gloria peers in.
GLORIA
Oh, wow, that's a soul in distress,
but maybe a real handsome one.
TIM
He's been babbling about spasibo
and Rachmaninoff, some Gay Sir and
Yankee Doodle. I don't know.
GLORIA
Well, we gotta help him. Let's get
him inside and warm him up.
They grab an old army blanket, toss it over Dmitry, carefully
unload him from the truck.

INT. FLORIST & GIFT SHOP - CONTINUOUS

They guide him into the store - a grand floral and knick-
knack paradise - seating him on a large overstuffed sofa.
GLORIA
Get him a glass of wine and light
up a reefer. That'll level him out.
TIM
Sure thing, Glor.
Dmitry downs the wine and they refill him. He fumbles with
the joint. He stops shivering and closes his eyes.
GLORIA
Do you think we should take you to
the hospital?
 33.

DMITRY
(panicky)
NO... no hospital... not those
men... no... Phone Sergei...
GLORIA
Okay, man, take it easy. No
hospital. I'm Gloria and you know
Tim. We'll help you. What did you
take? Are you a fugitive from the
law or what? What's your name?
DMITRY
...spasibo... Yankee Doodle...
GLORIA
(to Tim)
I'll be damned... this guy is
Russian. It adds up... spasibo,
Rachmaninoff, Sergei. But I don't
get the Yankee Doodle part.
TIM
Let's put some clothes on Yankee
Doodle, get him respectable.
GLORIA
He's close to your size so I'll get
some of your things.
Gloria goes off and Tim pours Dmitry another glass of wine.
She returns with a pile of clothing.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Okay, Yankee Doodle, let's try on
these trousers, shirt, and shoes.
They help him get dressed in too-tight black pants, a striped
boatneck top, black oxford shoes all topped off with a jaunty
French beret and a string of chunky peace beads.
TIM
Hey, man, you look groovy. Now,
listen, I got a singing gig at the
Hungry i night club later on. We
can't very well leave you alone
here so we'll take you with us.
Dmitry's affect gets worse as he struggles to focus.
DMITRY
Yes. Yes. Take me. I go.
GLORIA
Okay, man, you're in for a treat.
 34.

TIM
Yeah, we'll take you but get ready
for some comedy and very cool jazz.

INT. SERGEI SMIRNOV OFFICE - MORNING

The wall clock reads 9:25 as Sergei looks up from his desk-
full of correspondence. The next time he looks it's 9:50.
SERGEI
(keys intercom)
Tatiana...
TATIANA (O.S.)
Yes, comrade.
SERGEI
Bukov was supposed to call an hour
ago. Get me Smirnov in San
Francisco on the secure line.
In a moment, one of his phones rings and he picks it up.
SERGEI (CONT'D)
(to phone)
How are things going with our man?
He leans back, listens, appears reassured, unconcerned.

INT. FLORIST VAN – NIGHT

The trio travel through the raging Halloween night.

EXT. HUNGRY I - CONTINUOUS

They park across the street from the crowded entrance with
"LENNY BRUCE & TIM HOLMES TONIGHT" on the marquee and lead
Dmitry by the hand as they dodge across traffic to the door.
DOORMAN
(to Tim)
Hey, man, who's your friend?
TIM
We're not sure. He seems to be some
Russian tourist named Yankee
Doodle. We'll pay his cover charge.
DOORMAN
Naw, it's alright. Nice to meet you
Yankee Doodle. Come on in.
 35.

INT. HUNGRY I - CONTINUOUS

They enter the darkened room with a be-bop jazz band playing.
The crowd is diverse with many persons of color.
Dmitry stands transfixed, slack-jawed, wide-eyed, hearing the
music and staring at the players. A beatific smile crosses
his face as they lead him to a table and seat him.
BEGIN JAZZ DREAM SEQUENCE
Through his eyes and ears, we sense the sounds come to vivid
life in patterns of color and form as they sing and dance
around him in dazzling wonder, even beyond Rachmaninoff.
END JAZZ DREAM SEQUENCE
A nearby patron passes a fat glowing joint to Tim and Gloria
and notices the stunned Dmitry.
PATRON
Hey, man, your friend looks like a
real gone music lover.
GLORIA
Yeah, this is Yankee Doodle. He
does seem to really like be-bop.
The band finishes their set to Dmitry's over-the-top applause
as an MC comes on stage.
MC
Ladies and gentleman, please stick
around for the blues vocal stylings
of Mr. Tim Holmes, but now welcome
New York City's, Mr. Lenny Bruce.
Generous applause as LENNY BRUCE, A skinny late-30s red-
headed hipster in a shiny suit runs on stage.
LENNY
Hello San Francisco. It's certainly
a real thrill to be here at the
Hungry i in your great town. As
you know, the Virgin Mary was
supposed to appear tonight but her
bus broke down and she got laid
over in San Bernadino...
A "sick" comedian, Lenny has crossed the line and insulted
the Catholic Church. POLICE WHISTLES blast through the room.
The house lights go up. A dozen San Francisco cops storm in
and begin herding the complaining crowd to the front door.
 36.

EXT. STREET SCENE - CONTINUOUS

The street is sealed off with several police buses and paddy
wagons parked in front with lights flashing and more cops
trying to keep gathering, yelling costumed protesters at bay.
Completely innocent, Tim and Gloria and Dmitry are pushed out
and forced into one of the paddy wagons and driven away.

INT. PADDY WAGON - CONTINUOUS

Panic has returned to Dmitry's face. Tim and Gloria and the
five others in the wagon become loud and irate.
TIM
Fuckin' cops. What's the matter
with you? People are getting robbed
and killed all over town and you
fuck with our music and poetry?
GLORIA
You fuckin' pieces of shit cops! We
pay your salaries and you treat us
like dirt.
The partition door slides open revealing a cop's face.
COP
You better shut your traps or we'll
come back there and shut them.
They continue in stony silence to the police station.

INT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS

The entire Hungry i audience and staff are lined up and mill
about and wait to be processed. The desk SERGEANT, 50s,
obese, gestures toward the petrified Dmitry.
SERGEANT
(to Dmitry)
You there. Let's see your I.D.
Dmitry silently stares back at him.
SERGEANT (CONT'D)
I said let me see your I.D.
Gloria steps forward.
GLORIA
He doesn't have any I.D.
 37.

SERGEANT
Why not? Who is he to you? Can't
he speak for himself?
GLORIA
Not much. Nearest we can tell his
name is Yankee Doodle.
In a panic, Dmitry begins shouting.
DMITRY
Yankee Doodle...those men... insane
...phone Sergei... Rachmaninoff...
SERGEANT
(yells to cops)
Put this one in the drunk tank.
DMITRY
(louder)
Yankee Doodle...those men...insane
...phone Sergei... Rachmaninoff...
SERGEANT
Put him in a straitjacket too.
DMITRY
(shrieking)
Yankee Doodle...those men...insane
... phone Sergei...Rachmaninoff...
The cops pin him down, subdue him, and drag him away.
IN THE DRUNK TANK:
BEGIN NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE:
They throw him in to spend the night on the floor in fear and
trauma. Sounds and visions of terror surround him.
END NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE:

INT. MINISTRY OF CULTURE - MORNING

Sergei Smirnov glances up at his wall clock and frowns. It
reads 10:15. Dmitry is overdue. He keys his intercom.
SERGEI
(to intercom)
Tatiana, get me comrade Bukov at
the Palace Hotel in San Francisco
on the line.
TATIANA (O.S.)
Yes, Sergei Ivanovich.
 38.

Moments later the clock reads 10:30.

TATIANA (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Palace Hotel for you.
SERGEI
Hello, Dmitry?
(listens)
Well, if he's not there can you
page him?
(listens)
When was the last time you saw him?
(listens)
Who else is there who would know
where he is?
(listens)
Very well, thank you.
Hangs up and frowns. The clock reads 10:45.
He again keys his intercom.
SERGEI (CONT'D)
(to intercom)
Tatiana, get me our Consul General
in San Francisco on the line.
TATIANA (O.S.)
Yes, Sergei Ivanovich.
It's 11 am.
TATIANA (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Consul General San Francisco on the
line for you.
SERGEI
(picks up phone)
Hello, Alexei, how's the family?
(listens)
Wonderful, give them all my love.
Listen, I am calling regarding our
cultural attaché Dmitry Bukov
visiting there this week. Has he
checked in since yesterday?
(listens)
Well, he was supposed to call me
over two hours ago and it's not
like him to neglect his duty.
(listens)
Okay, send a man right over to the
Palace Hotel to see if he's been
there and call me back right away.
He hangs up.
 39.

INT. SAN FRANCISCO COURTROOM - MORNING

The entire crowd, now subdued after a night in jail, is led
into the big courtroom in ranks in front of the judge.
They are all disheveled and bleary-eyed. Dmitry seems to
have come down and become aware of his plight.
JUDGE
(pounds gavel)
Listen up, you people. I'm not
going to waste this court's time
dealing with the likes of you as
individuals. As far as I'm
concerned you are a blight on our
city with your Negro music and
obscene comics. If I had my way I
would build more new Alcatrazes to
get you off our streets. You are
each fined fifty dollars and
released. See the Bailiffs.
The judge gets up and walks out. Tim and Gloria stay with
Dmitry as they approach the bailiff.
GLORIA
(to bailiff)
Hi, Freddy, remember us? Tim and
Gloria from North Beach Florists?
We made the wreath and arrangement
for your mother's funeral.
FREDDY
Oh, yeah, excellent flowers. Too
bad they busted you. Who's he?
TIM
Oh, he works for us. Say, Freddy,
give us a break and let us skate.
FREDDY
Sure, Tim, no problem. Follow me.
Freddy walks them to the courthouse door and waves them out
and away. Returning to his desk, he's handed a missing
persons' flyer with Dmitry's face on it.
FREDDY (CONT'D)
(under his breath)
Holy shit!
SERGEANT
(calls out)
Hey, Freddy, wasn't this guy just
in here?
 40.

FREDDY
(calls back)
Naw, Sarge. I don't think so.
They both shrug and go about their business.

INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS

A cab with the three in the back seat pulls away from the
courthouse. They lean back, close their eyes, breathe deeply.
GLORIA
(to cabbie)
Drop us across the street from the
Hungry i, please.
Their conversation is low and muted to keep the driver from
hearing them.
DMITRY
Because this...
(gestures back)
I am grateful you for help me.
(pauses as they listen)
I am Dmitry Bukov, classical
pianist and on cultural mission
from Soviet Union. I am poisoned
last night. Lucy took wallet and
passport.
(pauses)
If I go back to Palace Hotel or
consulate and look like this I will
soon be in Moscow prison.
TIM
(panicky)
Oh, wow, man... Lucy took your
passport? A freakin' international
incident. This is the kind of shit
they start wars over.
GLORIA
Nobody's starting any wars, yet,
but Dmitry...
(thinks)
Here's what. You come back to our
place and clean up again and we'll
think it over and go from there.
DMITRY
Your kindness for stranger is very
good. You a best that American. I
am call Palace hotel and Moscow.
 41.

The taxi drops them back at the van, with several parking
tickets on it, where they parked it last night across the
street from the Hungry i. Gloria pays the driver.

INT. FLORIST SHOP - CONTINUOUS

They enter. Gloria goes to the shop's small kitchen, makes
coffee and begins preparing some vegetarian food. Dmitry
goes to the phone, dials the hotel.
DMITRY
(to phone)
Hello, this is Dmitry Bukov,
Russian mission, messages for me?
(pauses)
Yes... Oh... I see... good bye.
(hangs up)
BLIAT'!
GLORIA
What's that mean?
DMITRY
When I not call my boss tonight he
is worry and consulate file missing
persons' report with police and
FBI. I hang up so not trace call.
TIM
See? I told you so. They're gonna
be nuking us any minute now.
DMITRY
Is FBI one poison me because know I
am spy? What they do if find me?
TIM
Oh, man... turn on the TV. I bet
he's made the news. He's a bona
fide freakin' fugitive.
GLORIA turns on their 12" TV and tunes a local channel but a
VINTAGE KIDS PROGRAM is showing. She leaves it on low.
GLORIA
So, if you show up at the consulate
empty-handed without your passport
and wallet and in strange clothes,
with no real evidence of what
happened to you, they won't believe
you and they'll put you in that
Moscow prison. Am I right?
Dmitry nods in desperation.
 42.

TIM
And when those cops who busted us
last night see your picture and put
two-and-two together you'll have
them, the FBI, and the consulate
looking for all of us thinking that
we freakin' kidnapped you.
DMITRY
(brightens)
Must go to Goldrush Saloon and Lucy
and cabbie and bartender and
townhouse took me and get evidence
of truth what they do.
An official appears on the TV next to a poster with a photo
of Dmitry. Gloria turns up the volume.
ANNOUNCER O.S.
(on TV)
Mayor Robinson is here with members
of San Francisco's Police
Department, county sheriffs, and
special agents of the FBI. Now
here's Mayor Robinson.
ROBINSON O.S.
Hello, San Francisco. A Soviet
Russian diplomat and classical
pianist on a cultural mission to
our town has gone missing and is
feared to be either abducted by a
party or parties unknown or
murdered. Now, this does not look
good for our town, an international
incident that can only make us look
bad. So, whoever has him, if he's
still alive just drop him off at a
police station or firehouse or any
street corner. If he's dead just
tell us where the body is so we can
put this to rest. Now here's the
FBI to tell you about a reward.
FBI AGENT 1
Thank you, Mr. Mayor. The federal
government is offering a $10,000
reward for information leading to
the arrest and conviction of the
abductors or return of his body.
Gloria turns it off.
GLORIA
First of all, let's eat and clean
up and get some sleep.
(MORE)
 43.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
We have a bathroom and a loft
upstairs. We'll figure it all out
tonight.
They eat in silence then climb a stairway to the loft.

INT. FLORIST SHOP - THAT NIGHT

Gloria is down in the store kitchen frying eggplant and
tomatoes as Tim and Dmitry come stumbling down the stairs.
GLORIA
Hello, boys. Did you sleep well?
DMITRY
Oh, man - I am headache - jaw hurt.
Now you make me say 'man.'
TIM
I hope you feel better, man, but we
gotta come up with some ideas and
quick or we'll end up in Alcatraz.
GLORIA
First we gotta go to the scene of
the crime and do a reconnoiter.
TIM
Okay, yeah, gotta scope it out.
They finish their coffee and food and head out the door.

EXT. STREET-ALLEY - BEHIND FLOWER STORE - CONTINUOUS

The three emerge and pile in a 1955 BUICK ROADMASTER TWO-TONE
CONVERTIBLE and drive off with Gloria at the wheel.

EXT. GOLDRUSH SALOON - CONTINUOUS

The Buick moves southbound on Columbus Avenue. Gloria parks
down the block from the SALOON and they look back.
DMITRY
(anxiously)
This is where Lucy drug and kidnap
me. I need why she is or family
will end up dead in Siberia.
GLORIA
Okay, be cool. I'm gonna go in and
check out the place. Wait up.
 44.

Gloria ties her long dark hair up, lights a Lucky Strike
cigarette and gets out. They fretfully watch her go.

INT. GOLDRUSH SALOON - CONTINUOUS

She walks in past the bouncer, over to bartender Henry, who's
conversing with Lucy, and RALPH, 50s - WALLEYED - their new
mark, in a tan suit, loud tie, white belt, and white shoes.
GLORIA
(to Henry)
Excuse me, was there a big blond
Russian guy in here last night? We
met at the Palace Hotel and were
supposed to meet here for a drink
but I guess I missed him.
Lucy overhears Gloria's question and audibly GASPS. She and
Henry share a quick anxious look as she HUSTLES Ralph out.
HENRY
(nervously)
I dunno. I don't think so.
GLORIA
(looks around)
Okay. Nice place ya' got here, man.
She casually sashays back to and out the door.

EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

She hurries back to the car, passes Ralph and Lucy as she's
hailing a cab, looks back to see she's not being followed.

INT. BUICK - CONTINUOUS

Dmitry is facing away and doesn't see Lucy when she exits the
bar to the cab. They look expectantly at Gloria as she gets
in. She makes a U-turn and heads back north up Columbus.
GLORIA
(excited)
Oh, yeah. There's something fishy
going on in there. That bartender
and some hooker almost had a fit
when I asked him about last night.
Let's go find that townhouse.
She drives into North Beach and parks across from the
townhouse. Car windows OPEN, they hunker down and watch.
 45.

TIM
(points, sotto voce)
That's gotta be the one there.
The alley right behind it lets out
onto Columbus around the corner
from where I made the delivery.
DMITRY
All look same to me. We have no
such houses in Moscow.
A taxi drives up and Lucy and Ralph emerge. He staggers and
stumbles holding onto her and the car door.
DMITRY (CONT'D)
(excitedly)
That is she. It is Lucy. The
one took me here from Saloon.
Agent Bill with his walkie-talkie again appears.
BILL
(to walkie-talkie)
Heads up, Chad. Lucy with incoming.
Lucy struggles getting Ralph through the gate and toward the
ground floor door. Bill retreats back into the shadows.
ACT 6
DMITRY
Please to drive corner wait for me!
Dmitry opens the door and bails out of the car, running low
down the block behind cars, before they can react.
TIM
He's fucked up. They'll kill him.
They watch in disbelief as he disappears among the cars.

INT. TOWNHOUSE CLOSET - CONTINUOUS

LOOKING THROUGH THE MIRROR GLASS:
Chad is filming as Lucy drags Ralph in. She starts to UNDRESS
him - stripping him down to his TIGHTY-WHITEYS and black
garter-socks - removing and examining his WALLET. We hear
Lucy's voice leaking through Chad's headphones.
LUCY
(to Ralph)
Hey, where in hell is Podunk, Iowa?
 46.

EXT. SIDEWALK - SAME TIME

Dmitry is running low, down behind parked cars and across the
street to where Bill is loitering. He waits and watches.
In moments he comes up and sucker-punches Bill with a hard
right-hand to the jaw. Bill fumbles for his GUN, staggers
back against the wall, falling, and keys his walkie-talkie.
BILL
(shouts at walkie-talkie)
Mayday! Mayday!
Dmitry moves in, hits him again and again knocking him out
cold, KICKS his KEYS, the gun and walkie-talkie to the curb
under a car and takes off running down the block.
Tim and Gloria get out of the Buick and run to assist Bill.

INT. TOWNHOUSE CLOSET - SAME TIME

Chad reclines, drinks a beer, and thumbs a girly magazine.
BILL (O.S.)
(from walkie-talkie)
Mayday! Mayday!
CHAD
(to walkie-talkie)
Yeah... What's up? Hello...? What?
No reply. He grabs the phone and dials the 7-digit number.
CHAD (CONT'D)
(shouts into the phone)
Man down-situation unknown-backup!
He grabs his GUN, forgets the keys, and quickly exits the
closet into the bedroom.
IN THE BEDROOM:
CHAD (CONT'D)
(to Lucy, urgent)
Something's wrong. Get him out now.
IN THE CORRIDOR:
Chad and Lucy rush Ralph out the apartment door and through
the front gate which CLANGS shut and locked behind them.
 47.

EXT. STREET-ALLEY BEHIND BUILDING - SAME TIME

Dmitry turns the corner and runs down Columbus Avenue toward
the same alley behind the townhouse.

EXT. SIDEWALK - SAME TIME

Chad waves his gun at Tim and Gloria,
CHAD
(shouting)
You two, back off. Nothing to see.
Lucy and Gloria's jaws drop as they lock eyes in RECOGNITION
of one another. Neither speaks, and they quickly look away.
They slowly back off. Lucy runs away. Ralph is transfixed,
smiling beatifically. Chad attempts to revive Bill then tries
to drag him back inside and realizes he's locked out.
CHAD (CONT'D)
FUCK!
He holds Bill's head and watches for backup to arrive.
Ralph wanders about, now shivering. Tim and Gloria get in the
Buick. They move down to the corner and stop, as Dmitry said.

INT. TOWNHOUSE/BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Dmitry climbs over the back alley gate and enters, searches
the bedroom, notices some wires around the open closet door.
He looks in and sees the cameras, piles of film cans, files,
and binders. He grabs a SHEET off the bed and goes inside.
IN THE CLOSET:
He stacks the film cans and files and HIS OWN CLOTHES, plus
NINE unmarked 10cc vials of clear and amber LIQUIDS onto the
sheet, shoulders the LOAD, and runs back out the alley.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Dmitry arrives at the corner and dives into the Buick. Bill,
back on his feet and holding on to Chad, sees Dmitry get into
the car, just as Carl arrives in an older CHEVY.
BILL
(pointing, shouting)
That's them... in the Buick!
Carl picks up Chad and Bill and roars off in chase leaving
the bewildered Ralph standing alone in the street.
 48.

INT/EXT. BUICK - CONTINUOUS

BEGIN CHASE SEQUENCE:
Gloria guns the powerful Buick as it pulls away up Columbus
weaving and dodging traffic and turns west onto Lombard
Street heading toward the landmark switchback section.
She grips the wheel, a big grin on her face and a gleam in
her eye. The Buick loudly accelerates but handles smoothly.
GLORIA
(excited)
I've always wanted to do this.
They hold on as they're being SLAMMED around in their seats.

INT/EXT. CHEVY - SAME TIME

Carl pushes the pursuit but STOPS and watches in amazement as
the Buick enters the steep twisting roadway AGAINST one-way
descending traffic while dodging and slipping through gaps in
the eight turns between oncoming cars and the buildings.

INT/EXT. BUICK - CONTINUOUS

She makes it to the top and goes AIRBORNE over Hyde Street,
then turns left going southbound on Van Ness Avenue.
GLORIA
They'll think we went back to
North Beach. Instead, we'll go to
my sister's place in Haight
Ashbury. She's in Puerto Rico.
TIM
You lost them, Glor. Outstanding!
She slows down and checks her mirrors.
END CHASE SEQUENCE:

INT. BUICK - CONTINUOUS

Going south, they hunker down passing the police department
and courthouse turning on Fell Street and park near Masonic
Avenue and the Panhandle. They cautiously look around.
GLORIA
Okay, all clear.
Dmitry hefts the bundle as they cautiously exit the car.
 49.

EXT. FELL STREET - HAIGHT ASHBURY - LATE NIGHT

Gloria and Tim guide Dmitry, with his bundle, to an apartment
building and they go in.

INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

They make their way up a narrow staircase to a beautiful
turn-of-the-century paneled and wall-papered living room with
a large ornate fireplace and plush couches.
Dmitry collapses as Gloria raids her sister's wine rack and
brings out glasses. Tim gets the FIRE going. Soon...
TIM
So... what's in the bundle?
Dmitry places it in the middle of the floor and unties the
knots. The contents come spilling out.
DMITRY
(retrieving his clothes)
These are mine.
He examines each of the film cans. They are hand-labeled with
various times and dates in the month of October 1955. One is
circled in RED. He puts it aside with his clothes.
CLOSE ON FILM CAN: "31 OCT 1955 - 10:18 PM"
DMITRY (CONT'D)
(pointing)
This film my evidence. These
film, too. How many men fell in
trap? We must expose to light.
They HESITATE, then each reach in and grab the 16mm boxes and
35mm film cans, open and unspool the negatives.
DMITRY (CONT'D)
All these crimes against innocent
men. It is too much to carry home.
Somewhere here wallet and passport.
They begin opening folders and envelopes laying the contents
out on the floor. One yields up Dmitry's passport and wallet.
He opens and examines them, smiles, and hands them to Gloria.
GLORIA
We believed you are who you said
you were and had no doubt.
As they go through the files and papers they come to a stack
of calendar pages and several bound diaries.
 50.

Opening them they see revealed full names of hundreds of men

with home addresses, telephone numbers, birth dates, etc.
DMITRY
We must to burn all this.
They continue sorting the piles and come to the nine vials of
liquids and a thick 3-ring BINDER labeled:
TOP SECRET -- UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY
Dmitry opens it to a random page and quickly closes it.
DMITRY (CONT'D)
Oh, so wrong. It is not FBI, it is
(pauses)
CIA secret. I must to keep it. I do
not know what drug is in these
vials, but it will save my life if
I bring to KGB an evidence.
TIM
CIA? But isn't the CIA not
permitted to operate domestically?
DMITRY
It is not big secret what they do.
American government not different
from Soviet. We go to fireplace.
They carry all the stuff to the fireplace, rip out and
crumple handfuls of pages and solemnly watch as they turn to
ash and the acetate negatives flare up.
They contemplate the flames as their task is complete.
DMITRY (CONT'D)
Your sister has piano. Ok I play?
Dmitry begins playing. They are astonished by his artistry.
By now they have been up all night and light filters in.
GLORIA
Alright, your work here is done.
Now to get you to the consulate.
DMITRY
Is many big problems.
TIM
What's that?
 51.

DMITRY
I do not have diplomatic immunity
so if the FBI catches me with this
evidence I will spend the rest of
my life in prison. I must first
tell consulate I am coming in. I
cannot call because local phones
are listening to by FBI. I cannot
just go to gate because it will
take the guard 10 minutes to get
permission to let me in and the FBI
watching will arrest me on street
first with evidence. I am - how
you say - my duck she is baked?
They sit back and think the situation over.
GLORIA
We have to get you in with no one
knowing. I got an idea. We'll need
to borrow my sister's car because
they'll be looking for our car.
She goes to a desk drawer and withdraws car keys.
DMITRY
Yes, I will to trust you.
TIM
She's never wrong.
GLORIA
Now. Let's find two large shopping
bags plus a loaf of bread and some
other groceries sticking out of one
and the other for the evidence, and
something like a colorful shawl or
headscarf, and this bedsheet.
They go off and soon return with the items. Gloria folds the
headscarf, rolls up the bedsheet. Dmitry fills the OTHER BAG
with his accumulated evidence and clutches it tightly.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
You hang onto all that stuff tight.
Are you ready to go, Dmitry?
DMITRY
Yes, just as you say.

EXT. FORD PARKING SPACE - EARLY DAWN

They exit from the rear of the building and cautiously look
around as they walk to and get into the Ford.
 52.

INT. FORD - CONTINUOUS

Dmitry lays on the backseat floor with his bagful of evidence
and pulls the sheet completely over him.
Tim holds the bag of groceries in the front passenger seat
as Gloria drives off, slowly and carefully back north.
She parks two blocks around the corner from her destination,
and ties the scarf low around her head and over her eyes.

EXT. A STREET NEAR THE RUSSIAN CONSULATE - CONTINUOUS

Gloria exits the car with her shopping bag and scarf disguise
and begins to walk with a stooped shuffle, like impersonating
a crazy BAG-LADY while feigning a belligerent attitude.

INT. A THIRD FLOOR APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET - SAME TIME

An FBI agent watches through the window blinds and another
dozes as Gloria slowly approaches the consulate gate.

EXT. IN FRONT OF THE CONSULATE - SAME TIME

Gloria stops in front of the Russian consulate building gate
and yells across the courtyard to the uniformed guard within.
GLORIA
(to guard)
Hey you, commie, come here, you
speak English?
GUARD
(yells back)
Beat it lady - I'll call the cops.
GLORIA
It's really important - come here.
The guard slowly makes his way across to the gate
GUARD
(wearily)
Yeah, lady, what?
GLORIA
(sotto voce)
Good. Now listen carefully. The man
you've been looking for, Dmitry
Bukov, is very nearby and I can
have him here in ten minutes.
(MORE)
 53.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Tell his boss, Mr. Smirnov, that
the password is Yankee Doodle and
I'm not kidding around. I know
we're being watched so when I drive
up here in 10 minutes, you, and you
alone, are to immediately open the
gate and he will jump out of my car
with a large paper bag in his hands
and run in. Is that clear?
GUARD
(now respectful)
Yes, ma'am, it's clear.
GLORIA
Now slowly go make that call and
get ready.
GUARD
Yes, ma'am.
GLORIA
(screams, in character)
You stinkin' Russian commies should
go back where you came from...
Gloria yells and shakes her fist at him, continuing in
character, and slowly shuffles off. The guard casually walks
back to his post and picks up a phone.
Gloria returns to the car and convinced that she has not
aroused suspicion LEAVES the shopping bag at the curb, gets
in, neatly FOLDS the scarf, puts it out of sight UNDER the
seat, and slowly drives off.

INT. FORD - CONTINUOUS

She looks around again and is satisfied it's safe.
GLORIA
Okay, Dmitry, stay down and slide
over to the passenger side door.
When I say go, open the door and
run through the consulate gate. If
I'm stopped I will say I picked you
up hitchhiking on Van Ness and you
asked me to drop you here. It's
been really exciting knowing you
and I wish you the very best.
DMITRY
(muffled)
Thank you. I will not forget you.
I promise. We will meet again.
 54.

TIM
We wish you the very best, man.
GLORIA
Okay, we'll be there in about two
minutes. I hope we don't get
stopped first.
She pulls slowly into traffic.

EXT. CONSULATE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

She drives slowly westbound on Green Street, approaching the
gate. Gloria stops in front, looks to the guard, and gets a
nod in return.
The back door flies open and Dmitry rushes out.
DMITRY
(shouting, Russian)
I am Major Dmitry Ivanovich Bukov,
Soviet Red Army. Let me through!
The guard opens the gate and the front door for him and gives
Gloria a smile. She drives away as they expect the worst.
Within a minute's travel, there are three unmarked cars
behind them with red lights and sirens blaring. She pulls
over as several men rush the car with guns drawn.
OFFICER1
Alright, hands up, both of you.
Who the hell are you?
GLORIA
I'm Gloria from North Beach
Florists and this my partner Tim.
Who in hell are you?
TIM
Hey, what's happenin', man?
OFFICER1
FBI. Special agent Gilbert. Do you
know who you just dropped off?
GLORIA
FBI? Lemme see your badge.
(sees badge)
Some bum, hitchhiking, he looked
pitiful out there on Van Ness.
OFFICER1
Where are you going?
 55.

GLORIA
Say, can't people go out shopping
anymore in this town without a
bunch of FBI strangers asking her
about her business?
OFFICER1
Where were you coming from?
GLORIA
Coming from my sister's house. This
is her car. Why are you so curious?
OFFICER1
That's okay, lady, you can go.
TIM
Thanks for wasting our time, man.
She pulls away, both grim-faced, with deep breaths of relief.

INT. CONSULATE - MORNING

Dmitry clutches the bag of evidence to his chest as he
sprints into the building lobby. Two more guards emerge.
They silently escort him through the ornate marble and gilt
building, marching beside him in lockstep to a closed office
door marked with a large brass plaque:
"IVAN POPOV, Consul General of Russia"
A guard knocks on the door.

INT. CONSUL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ivan is leafing through a pile of correspondence on his
massive desk.
IVAN
Come.
The door opens and Dmitry enters, clutching his bag, and
silently walks to the desk. Ivan stays seated and looks at
him coldly, poker-faced, without the usual warm greetings.
DMITRY
Greetings, comrade consul.
IVAN
Greetings to you, Dmitry. Do you
have something there for me?
 56.

Dmitry removes the FILM, VIALS, and CIA project binder from
the bag and silently places them on the desk. Ivan opens the
binder and begins to read. Soon, he leans into it.
A smile begins to move across his face, then a broad grin. He
rises, goes to the bar, and pours two vodkas. He hands one
to Dmitry and raises his glass.
IVAN (CONT'D)
You have performed above and beyond
the call of duty and I will ask
comrade Malenkov himself to reward
you for your heroic service to the
fatherland.
(glasses raised)
To you, my friend.
(they drink)
Now please tell me where you have
been these days and why you are so
dressed and unshaved.
Dmitry hands the film can to Ivan.
DMITRY
It is a long story, comrade Ivan,
but if you will have your photo
laboratory develop this film
negative and permit me to shower
and shave, clean my clothes and get
some rest, I will be happy to tell
you every detail.
Ivan pushes a button under the desk and Svetlana enters.
IVAN
(to her)
Give this to Maxim for development,
(hands her film)
and escort comrade Bukov back to
his suite and see that all his
needs are met.
SVETLANA
Yes, comrade consul.
(to Dmitry)
Please follow me, comrade.
IVAN
And, Dmitry, you will dine with us
again. Get some rest until then.
She escorts Dmitry to the elevator.
 57.

INT. ELEVATOR/CORRIDOR/APARTMENT
SVETLANA
Anything else, comrade.
DMITRY
Yes, please see that these clothes
(hands her bag)
are cleaned and pressed and send up
a steak and baked potato and a
bottle of Stolichnaya and ice.
Svetlana
Yes, comrade. If there's anything
else please don't hesitate to ask.
DMITRY
Just a call at seven o'clock.
SVETLANA
Yes, comrade.
She exits. He tears off his GOPNIK garb and heads into the
shower. In moments he's back in the room in a plush white
robe and slippers embroidered with the Russian Eagles.
He answers a knock on the door to find a WAITER with a cart
laden with his meal, the vodka, and a selection of Russian
pastries and delicacies.
WAITER
Bon appetit, comrade.
He ravenously consumes the steak and potatoes, half the
bottle of vodka, and flops face down on the bed to sleep.

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Dmitry enters the elaborate gold and crystal dining room,
refreshed, well-groomed, neatly dressed, with a smile on his
face, and a spring in his step.
He is seated at the dinner table to the right of Ivan and his
deputy, VLADIMIR, early 30s, a sharp eager looking young man.
IVAN
Dmitry, you look like a new man.
How do you feel?
DMITRY
I feel excellent, comrade consul, a
changed man.
 58.

IVAN
Excellent. This is my first
assistant deputy, Vladimir Orlof.
VLADIMIR
it is an honor to meet you, comrade
Dmitry.
They vigorously shake hands with mutual admiration. Dinner
is served. Svetlana wheels in a portable 16mm projector and
screen and sets it up to run.
The grainy FILM of Dmitry's entry is shown - Lucy displaying
his passport, his escape, then Chad and Lucy running out.
IVAN
(breaks the tension)
If it weren't such a serious
matter, I'd have to laugh at what
they did to you.
DMITRY
Honestly, comrades, I'd have to
laugh at myself too.
At that, they all break into laughter.
DMITRY (CONT'D)
But although the experience was
profoundly frightening at the time,
largely because it was unexpected,
I have found a lot of truth in it
and a new perspective on life. My
consciousness has been... expanded.
It will be useful for understanding
peace of mind and personal freedom.
(pauses)
But I do have to wonder - why...
how did they choose me - was it
just coincidence or were they
somehow expecting me?
Ivan quizzically reflects on Dmitry's revelations. Dimitry
looks at his watch and notices it's 9:55.
DMITRY (CONT'D)
And now it's almost 9 am in Moscow
and I must call Alexei and my wife
so I'll have to excuse myself. I
bid you a good night, comrades.
VLADIMIR
Before you leave, comrade,
(hands him an attaché'
case)
(MORE)
 59.
VLADIMIR (CONT'D)
we photographed the pages of the
CIA dossier for safekeeping. Here
are the originals and seven of the
vials to take home tomorrow.
DMITRY
I am sure that our experts will
have much to learn from it, and my
report. But if the CIA knew about
my mission here and targeted me for
it, we must have a mole somewhere
in our system.
IVAN
I am personally convinced of your
intelligence and bravery in
bringing in this material, but, be
prepared for the suspicious KGB.
If it is judged authentic, you will
be a hero. If it is a fraud or a
forgery, you will be a criminal.
They trade ironic looks.
Dmitry heads back to the elevator and enters it.

INT. SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE NEWSPAPER BUILDING - DAY

A press conference is underway. The mayor, sheriff, police
chief, and a dozen or so plain-clothes types stand passively
on a dais behind a lectern surrounded with cameras and
microphones. Some fifty reporters and are in attendance.
MAYOR
And now we will hear from Mr. Ivan
Popov, Consul General of Russia.
IVAN
(approaches, clears his
throat)
Three days ago, our great Russian
pianist, diplomat, a hero of the
Soviet Union, brilliant cultural
ambassador, Dmitry Ivanovich Bukov,
was abducted and drugged by a party
or parties unknown and taken
against his will to a secret house
where he was harassed, intimidated,
and interrogated for two days and
nights as though he were a common
American criminal. He managed a
dangerous and harrowing escape but
as a result he is severely ill and
traumatized having suffered a
psychotic break and has been
sedated.
(MORE)
 60.
IVAN (CONT'D)
Rather than creating an
international crisis over this
gratuitous aggression, we are
immediately sending him home to his
loving family on an emergency
medical flight. That is all.
He rushes off toward a waiting car.
SEVERAL REPORTERS
(shouting as he departs)
1. Who do you think did it?
2. Why would they do it?
3. Was it your people who did it?
4. Did he try to defect?
5. How was he drugged?
6. How did he get away?
MAYOR
The press conference is over.
With his departure they mutter and mill around frustrated.

INT. GOLDRUSH SALOON - NIGHT

Carl, Chad, and Bill glumly sit over beers at a rear table.
CARL
So, what do we tell Washington now
with the records due for delivery?
He gets back sullen blank stares and shrugs.
BILL
(brightens)
I got an idea.
CHAD
What?
BILL
I'll need to order another hundred
boxes of film negative and around
fifty dollars worth of assorted
stationery binders and supplies.
Chad smiles knowingly as Carl shakes his head in resignation.
Bill appears to be enjoying his fine idea.
CARL
Oh, no. I don't want to know.
Just make sure you get everybody
out first and nobody gets hurt.
 61.

BILL
We'll make an anonymous donation to
the neighborhood association for a
free catered party in the park.
They look at him like he's out of his mind.

EXT. ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT

There's a big noisy party in the city park up the block.
Carl, Bill, and Chad stand in a doorway watching. A wisp of
smoke wafts out an open window, than a flash of light, then a
rush of fire as the whole building goes up in flames.
CARL
Looks like we're going to have to
go house hunting again.
Fire engines are heard in the far distance as they look on.

EXT. RUSSIAN CONSULATE - DAY

The same gaggle of press and photographers are being held
back by police as an AMBULANCE makes its way through the
crowd and pulls up to the front. Two white-coated attendants
emerge, lower a gurney out the back, and roll it in.
Ivan emerges with the faux-comatose Dmitry on the gurney
wearing an oxygen mask and covered with blankets. The
reporters go wild trying to get a glimpse as he is loaded in
and the ambulance pulls away with lights and siren blaring.
COP
Alright, everybody back. Back...
Several press cars chase the ambulance down the block and
through the city.

EXT. SFO PRIVATE GATE - DAY

Dmitry's gurney is loaded on the Tupolev Tu-104 jet airliner
and the doors are closed.

INT. AIRPLANE - CONTINUOUS

Two dour KGB AGENTS observe as Ivan speaks.
IVAN
Comrade Bukov, you may open your
eyes and sit up now.
 62.

Dimitry opens his eyes, sits up, and tosses off the blankets.
IVAN (CONT'D)
We have determined there are too
many irregularities in your story
to be believed. You are now under
arrest for not observing protocol,
abusing Soviet trust, lying to
authority, and treason to the USSR.
Dmitry stares in disbelief as they cuff him to the gurney and
one INJECTS him with a sedative.
IVAN (CONT'D)
We will all be more comfortable
this way. You will be interrogated
when we get home and your value to
the people will be judged.
He collapses unconscious as they retrieve the attaché case.

EXT. THE AIRPORT - CONTINUOUS

The plane taxis out and takes off.
END EPISODE 1.1
20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

SCRIPTWRITING

A Complete Guide To
Understanding Script Coverage
(Free Template)
By Matt Vasiliauskas on October 7, 2019

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cript coverage is an essential part of the development process, but many

S screenwriters and even some producers are in the dark. If you’re pursuing a
242

job in the entertainment industry, keep reading. 22

This post will guide you through the entire process of script coverage, including how
0
they rate scripts and places for you to find professional resources and script coverage
jobs. Plus, we include a free script coverage template. 5

Watch: Anatomy of a Screenplay — Ultimate

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Guide
A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

Anatomy of a Screenplay — Movie Script Format Explained (And Why It …

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TA B L E O F C O N T E N T S

01 What is script coverage?

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02 What's on a Script Coverage Template?

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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

02 What's on a Script Coverage Template?

03 How Do I Write Script Coverage?

04 Are there script coverage jobs?

05 Coverage for writers

A COMPLETE GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING SCRIPT COVERAGE

What is script coverage? 269

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Script coverage is a report that provides analysis of a screenplay. It’s used by a variety
242
of industry professionals including agents, managers, producers and studio
executives. If storyboarding is the foundation of the visual image, then script coverage
22
is the foundation of the written word.

0
There are professional services like WeScreenplay and consultants like Nick Fore that
provide professional script coverage for production companies, studios, and producers
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looking for reliable, accurate, and trusted coverage.

If you're looking for scripts, a trusted service like WeScreenplay is akin to a finding a 0

reliable realtor when buying a home. Films commonly cost millions of dollars to
produce, and every dollar relies on the quality of the script.

These story notes allow decision-makers to prioritize the many projects they have on
their plate; deciding which should move into production, and which should take a back
seat. It also lets them screen the enormous amounts of material they receive every day.

Any executive worth their salt knows that competent readers who can produce
comprehensive script notes will generate value. One of the primary roles of the
assistant is to provide these notes, acting as a kind of gatekeeper for the massive
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amount of material 22
that moves through their offices.0 5 0

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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

Script coverage is not only a decision-making tool used by professionals but a

mechanism to help writers shape their content to better appeal to the wider
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Let’s say you’re an aspiring writer. You’ve just finished the final sentence of your
masterpiece screenplay “Moby Dick 2: The Ghost of Ahab,” and want to send it out to
the world.

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22

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Good script coverage has become the elusive whale to many executives, Moby Dick, (1956)

Well, if you haven’t received industry feedback, or understand what executives and
agents typically look for in material, then you’re selling yourself short.

This is why script coverage is essential for both the writer and reader.

DOWNLOAD STUDIOBINDER'S FREE SCRIPT COVERAGE

TEMPLATE NOW

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FREE Download: Script Coverage Template 5

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Download your FREE printable script coverage template below.

Just enter your email address and we'll instantly send it to you!

Email...

GRAB YOUR COVERAGE TEMPLATE

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A COMPLETE GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING SCRIPT COVERAGE

What's on a Script Coverage Template?

Now, you may be asking yourself what exactly does the script coverage template
include?

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22

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Download StudioBinder's Free Script Coverage Template

The script coverage template is broken into four parts:

A cover page that lists the script’s vital information (author’s name, genre,
length of the script, etc.) and contains a logline and brief evaluation of the
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A 1 to 2 page synopsis of the script’s story highlighting the main characters
and the events surrounding the tale.
A 2 to 3 page comments section in which the reader provides their review of
the story.
A final ratings page rounds out the script coverage template.
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22

0
HOW DO THEY RATE THE SCRIPTS?

On the ratings page of the script coverage template, the reader either 5

recommends, considers or passes on the material.

0
Here's a closer look:

RECOMMEND

This is the highest rating a script can receive, but as you probably guessed, the
rarest. When a reader recommends something it’s like saying to their boss, “If we
pass on this, then we’re passing on the next Old Yeller!”

A “Recommend” should only be given to scripts that are ready to be green-lit. This

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is rare so don't get heartbroken if your first script doesn't land this coveted status.
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CONSIDER

This is the second highest rating and is very beneficial to the writer.

Although the reader may not have felt their project was the next “Old Yeller,” their
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development team.

PASS

Unfortunately, the most common of the ratings is the “Pass.” 269

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Now it’s easy to get discouraged when your script is passed on and want to spend
242
the rest of your life hiding under a pile of blankets.

22

A COMPLETE GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING SCRIPT COVERAGE 0

How Do I Write Script Coverage?

5

Now, of course, anyone can copy down a script coverage template, but the point is
to understand the screenwriting process as much as possible to provide the most 0

effective coverage.

Here are some tried-and-true practices to consider when writing screenplay

coverage:

If the story doesn’t make sense in the script, then don’t fill in the holes
in the summary.
It’s not necessarily about whether or not the script is good, it’s about
whether your bosses would want to make it.
Remember, you don’t need to include every plot detail in the
269
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242 Of course,
22 you want the0analysis to be thorough,
5 but it 0

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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

should be economical as well.

Don’t get too opinionated in the script coverage comments section. This
isn’t about your personal tastes, but about presenting the facts of the
story and whether they suit the needs of your company.
There’s a number of screenwriting blogs out there that not only
examine screenwriting and script coverage, but also offer important
ways to think about story when engaging with a screenplay.
Script Magazine
The Script Lab
Screencraft

269
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A COMPLETE GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING SCRIPT COVERAGE

Is there a free peer-to-peer script coverage 242

service?
22

If you're looking for a completely FREE peer-to-peer script coverage service,

0
you're in luck. Head on over to coverflyX.

What this allows is for you to exchange script notes with other screenwriters while5
using using coverfly's peer script exchange.
0
The coverflyX peer exchange ensures a valuable experience for all users by using
scores. Every time a reader provides script coverage, they’ll get a reader
rating from the writer. Readers with great ratings get priority access. If readers do
not complete their coverage on time, they'll be penalized with “strikes”. Too many
strikes, and the reader’s account could be suspended.

A COMPLETE GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING SCRIPT COVERAGE

Are there script coverage jobs?

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You’re probably thinking look life’s hard enough I have bill’s to pay and the dog
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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]
You re probably thinking look, life s hard enough. I have bill s to pay and the dog
just chewed up my favorite Patsy Cline record for the fourth time.

Is it even worth my time getting involved with script coverage?

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242

22

Educating yourself on script coverage is well-worth the effort. Turner and Hooch (1989)

The answer is yes, of course! Since story is at the heart of most creative endeavors,

269
being exposed to it, and having the ability to present key themes and ideas in a
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thorough yet concise manner is essential.
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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

That’s what makes script coverage jobs ideal for writers looking to get into feature and
television development.

Script coverage jobs also benefit actors who are hoping to hone their craft by becoming
more familiar with screenplays.

Again, story is at the heart of all artistic endeavors, so whether you’re a writer or
performer, familiarizing yourself with the narrative process is incredibly beneficial.

Now, show me the money!

Script coverage salary can range anywhere from $50-500 per script. 269
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This is dependent on whether you’re hired on as a freelancer or an in-house studio
242
reader.

22

LOOKING FOR A SCRIPT COVERAGE TEMPLATE TO USE

0

PROFESSIONALLY? DOWNLOAD OUR FREE TEMPLATE.

5

A COMPLETE GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING SCRIPT COVERAGE 0

Coverage for writers

THE BLACKLIST

Okay, you’re a writer who wants honest screenplay coverage.

Yes, you’ve tried showing your mother your masterpiece but she just keeps saying,
“Well, do they have to rob a bank? Can’t they just go to lunch instead?”

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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

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242

22

Mom knows a lot, but script notes may not be one of them. Throw Momma From The Train (1987)

You’re desperate, sweaty and you have no idea where to turn.

Well have no fear, the Black List is here.

Founded by former Universal Pictures executive Franklin Leonard, The Black List uses
industry professionals, ranging from agency assistants to studio presidents, to deliver
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some of the most242in-depth and trusted
22 script coverage
0 in the industry.5 0

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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

These readers rate Black List scripts on a scale of 1-10.

Those ratings are then aggregated to create a real-time list that’s filterable using a
variety of criteria, allowing members to search for the scripts that will be most relevant
to their needs.

As founder Franklin Leonard says:

“It's about making the work the focus and creating an infrastructure where
the best of it can rise more quickly to the top.”

Over 300 Black List screenplays have been made into feature films, generating a jaw-
dropping 26 billion in global box office.
269
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Also, The Black List’s official blog Go Into The Story is run by screenwriter Scott
Meyers. With over 30 projects to his name, Meyers offers Black List visitors superior 242

knowledge about screenwriting and story development.

22

ADDITIONAL SCRIPT COVERAGE SERVICES 0

Besides The Black List, there are a number of sites that will provide in-depth, studio-
5
level script notes to meet one’s desires.

Most will have package-deals depending on what services you’re interested in. 0

Some, like Scriptshadow, will even offer the opportunity to have your material reviewed
on the main site. Writers can submit to Scriptshadow free of charge, and if selected,
their script will be reviewed and posted in its entirety on the Scriptshadow website.

A word of caution: make sure the service you choose is reputable.

If you can’t tell who’s running it, or if the site looks like it would be comfortable existing
on the dark web, then stay clear.

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242

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Make sure you know who's running your script coverage service. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

Always consider customer testimonials, the interactions you have with site hosts and
the fees. Remember, it's possible to pay too much.

Here are the best screenplay coverage sites and their price points:

Scriptshadow– $499.00
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Sense– $225.00 22 0 5 0

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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]

Scriptapalooza– $175.00

Script Reader Pro– $155.00

Coverage Ink– $129.00

REDDIT SCREENWRITING

With the rise of social media and online communities, outlets for obtaining reliable
script notes and story coverage have risen. Enter Reddit Screenwriting.

The site offers a forum called Reddit Screenwriting that offers users the opportunity to
post and get their material reviewed by fellow Redditors.
269
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Besides the script coverage itself, members of Reddit Screenwriting will recommend
books, video, podcasts and provide script coverage samples to assist the writer in 242

improving their work.

22
Reddit Screenwriting also permits users to request and post both classic and
contemporary screenplays, helping the budding writer to educate themselves further
0

about what works and doesn’t work in story.

5
Perhaps more than most services, Reddit Screenwriting is beneficial in that it allows the
writer to get notes from a large social community.
0

DOWNLOAD STUDIOBINDER'S FREE SCRIPT COVERAGE

TEMPLATE AND GET STARTED WRITING COVERAGE

UP NEXT

The Lowdown on Screenplay Format

269
Story is the foundation of the creative process. If any one of the screenplay’s complex
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components is out of place then the whole production suffers. Ridley Scott said, "Once
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20/3/24, 15:13 A Complete Guide To Understanding Script Coverage [FREE Template]
components is out of place then the whole production suffers. Ridley Scott said, Once
you crack the script. Everything else follows."

For both industry professionals and aspiring writers alike knowing how to utilize script
coverage is essential. By understanding the script coverage template and its elements,
one can be sure the story produced is of the highest caliber. But why stop there? Check
out our next article to walk you through essential tips on formatting a screenplay like a
pro.

Up Next: How to Format Your Screenplay →

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Write and produce your scripts all in one place.

5

Write and collaborate on your scripts FREE. Create script breakdowns, sides, schedules,
storyboards, call sheets and more. 0

WRITE MY SCREENPLAY

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Tags: Screenwriting

Matt Vasiliauskas
Matthew Vasiliauskas is a graduate of Columbia University. His work has appeared
in publications such as Conjunctions, Berlin’s Sand Literary Journal, Chicago
Literati and The Pennsylvania Review. Matthew currently lives and works in Los 269
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Angeles.

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20/3/24, 15:18 A Script Reader's Checklist - ScreenCraft

A SCRIPT READER'S CHECKLIST

by ScreenCraft Staff - updated on January 11, 2019

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20/3/24, 15:18 A Script Reader's Checklist - ScreenCraft

Readers are the much maligned gatekeepers to studios and production companies,
filtering screenplays and writing the cursory coverage that will seal the fate of the
script in the eyes of the development team. Celebrated screenwriter Terry
Rossio's blog Wordplayer has an amusing post (Death to Readers) about his
experience as a reader - and the creative checklist that he created to evaluate
screenplays. As simplistic as some of these criteria are, it's nonetheless important
to "know the rules to break them." Below is Terry Rossio's checklist for a fictional
company he calls "Spectacle Pictures." It's an excellent example of the arbitrary
criteria that production companies often impose on projects they evaluate.

Alternatively, if you're a screenwriter and you want to make sure your final draft is

good to go, download our free guide here.

SPECTACLE PICTURES

CHECKLIST A: CONCEPT & PLOT

#1. Imagine the trailer. Is the concept marketable?

#2. Is the premise naturally intriguing -- or just average, demanding perfect

execution?

#3. Who is the target audience? Would your parents go see it?

#4. Does your story deal with the most important events in the lives of your
characters?

#5. If you're writing about a fantasy-come-true, turn it quickly into a nightmare-

that-won't-end.

#6. Does the screenplay create questions: will he find out the truth? Did she do it?
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20/3/24, 15:18 A Script Reader's Checklist - ScreenCraft

Will they fall in love? Has a strong 'need to know' hook been built into the story?

#7. Is the concept original?

#8. Is there a goal? Is there pacing? Does it build?

#9. Begin with a punch, end with a flurry.

#10. Is it funny, scary, or thrilling? All three?

#11. What does the story have that the audience can't get from real life?

#12. What's at stake? Life and death situations are the most dramatic. Does the
concept create the potential for the characters lives to be changed?

#13. What are the obstacles? Is there a sufficient challenge for our heroes?

#14. What is the screenplay trying to say, and is it worth trying to say it?

#15. Does the story transport the audience?

#16. Is the screenplay predictable? There should be surprises and reversals within
the major plot, and also within individual scenes.

#17. Once the parameters of the film's reality are established, they must not be
violated. Limitations call for interesting solutions.

#18. Is there a decisive, inevitable, set-up ending that is nonetheless unexpected?

(This is not easy to do!)

#19. Is it believable? Realistic?

#20. Is there a strong emotion -- heart -- at the center of the story? Avoid mean-
spirited storylines.

CHECKLIST B: TECHNICAL EXECUTION

#21. Is it properly formatted?

#22. Proper spelling and punctuation. Sentence fragments okay.

#23 I th di ibl th
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t t t ? 3/15
20/3/24, 15:18 A Script Reader's Checklist - ScreenCraft
#23. Is there a discernible three-act structure?

#24. Are all scenes needed? No scenes off the spine, they will die on screen.

#25. Screenplay descriptions should direct the reader's mind's eye, not the
director's camera.

#26. Begin the screenplay as far into the story as possible.

#27. Begin a scene as late as possible, end it as early as possible. A screenplay is

like a piece of string that you can cut up and tie together -- the trick is to tell the
entire story using as little string as possible.

#28. In other words: Use cuts.

#29. Visual, Aural, Verbal -- in that order. The expression of someone who has
just been shot is best; the sound of the bullet slamming into him is second best;
the person saying, "I've been shot" is only third best.

#30. What is the hook, the inciting incident? You've got ten pages (or ten minutes)
to grab an audience.

#31. Allude to the essential points two or even three times. Or hit the key point
very hard. Don't be obtuse.

#32. Repetition of locale. It helps to establish the atmosphere of film, and allows
audience to 'get comfortable.' Saves money during production.

#33. Repetition and echoes can be used to tag secondary characters. Dangerous
technique to use with leads.

#34. Not all scenes have to run five pages of dialogue and/or action. In a good
screenplay, there are lots of two-inch scenes. Sequences build pace.

#35. Small details add reality. Has the subject matter been thoroughly
researched?

#36. Every single line must either advance the plot, get a laugh, reveal a
character trait, or do a combination of two -- or in the best case, all three -- at
once.

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20/3/24, 15:18 A Script Reader's Checklist - ScreenCraft

#37. No false plot points; no backtracking. It's dangerous to mislead an audience;

they will feel cheated if important actions are taken based on information that has
not been provided, or turns out to be false.

#38. Silent solution; tell your story with pictures.

#39. No more than 125 pages, no less than 110... or the first impression will be of a
script that 'needs to be cut' or 'needs to be fleshed out.'

#40. Don't number the scenes of a selling script. MOREs and CONTINUEDs are
optional.

CHECKLIST C: CHARACTERS
#41. Are the parts castable? Does the film have roles that stars will want to play?

#42. Action and humor should emanate from the characters, and not just thrown
in for the sake of a laugh. Comedy which violates the integrity of the characters or
oversteps the reality-world of the film may get a laugh, but it will ultimately
unravel the picture. Don't break the fourth wall, no matter how tempting.

#43. Audiences want to see characters who care deeply about something --
especially other characters.

#44. Is there one scene where the emotional conflict of the main character comes
to a crisis point?

#45. A character's entrance should be indicative of the character's traits. First

impression of a character is most important.

#46. Lead characters must be sympathetic -- people we care about and want to
root for.

#47. What are the characters wants and needs? What is the lead character's
dramatic need? Needs should be strong, definite -- and clearly communicated to
the audience.

#48. What does the audience want for the characters? It's all right to be either
for or against a particular character -- the only unacceptable emotion is
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20/3/24, 15:18
for or against a particular character A Script
the Reader's Checklist - ScreenCraft
only unacceptable emotion is
indifference.

#49. Concerning characters and action: a person is what he does, not necessarily
what he says.

#50. On character faults: characters should be 'this but also that;' complex.
Characters with doubts and faults are more believable, and more interesting.
Heroes who have done wrong and villains with noble motives are better than
characters who are straight black and white.

#51. Characters can be understood in terms of, 'what is their greatest fear?'
Gittes, in CHINATOWN was afraid of being played for the fool. In SPLASH the Tom
Hanks character was afraid he could never fall in love. In BODY HEAT Racine was
afraid he'd never make his big score.

#52. Character traits should be independent of the character's role. A banker

who fiddles with his gold watch is memorable, but cliche; a banker who breeds
dogs is a somehow more acceptable detail.

#53. Character conflicts should be both internal and external. Characters should
struggle with themselves, and with others.

#54. Character 'points of view' need to be distinctive within an individual

screenplay. Characters should not all think the same. Each character needs to
have a definite point of view in order to act, and not just react.

#55. Distinguish characters by their speech patterns: word choice, sentence

patterns; revealed background, level of intelligence.

#56. 'Character superior' sequences (where the character acts on information the
audience does not have) usually don't work for very long -- the audience gets lost.
On the other hand, when the audience is in a 'superior' position -- the audience
knows something that the characters do not -- it almost always works. (NOTE:
This does not mean the audience should be able to predict the plot!)

#57. Run each character through as many emotions as possible -- love, hate,
laugh, cry, revenge.

#58 Characters must change What is the character's arc?

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#58. Characters must change. What is the character s arc?

#59. The reality of the screenplay world is defined by what the reader knows of it,
and the reader gains that knowledge from the characters. Unrealistic character
actions imply an unrealistic world; fully-designed characters convey the sense of a
realistic world.

#60. Is the lead involved with the story throughout? Does he control the outcome
of the story?

You need to think like a studio reader or producer in order to write scripts that will
stand out in their eyes. And again, you need to know the "rules" in order to break
them.

TAGS
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20/3/24, 15:12 How to Write Script Coverage - Helpful Tips for Readers - WeScreenplay

COVERAGE  WRITING LABS  MARKETING SERVICES FAQ BLOG LOGIN

HOW TO WRITE SCRIPT

COVERAGE – HELPFUL TIPS
FOR READERS
By Shaun Leonard May 29, 2018

Search... 

Open Competitions

WeScreenplay
Diverse Voices Lab
Final Deadline on April
Imagine you just became a script reader… Yes, you got the 15th, 2024
job! Whether you’re an intern at a development company,
a reader for a film festival, or a story analyst aiming to
help writers sharpen their drafts, your job is writing
coverage. This article provides helpful tips to readers on
the most common criteria used across various festivals WeScreenplay Short
and competitions, as well as common errors people make Script Lab
when writing coverage for the first time. Early Deadline on April
15th, 2024

The main thing to remember is that there are many ways
to write coverage on a script, and different companies
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20/3/24, 15:12 How to Write Script Coverage - Helpful Tips for Readers - WeScreenplay

and festivals favor different formats. Follow the format, Free Feedback 
and if you have a question, ask someone. And if there isn’t
COVERAGE  WRITING LABS  MARKETING SERVICES FAQ BLOG LOGIN
a coverage template already, set one up. It helps
everyone stay on the same page. (Ha!)

Table of Contents
1. Coverage Criteria:
2. Synopsis/Summary
3. Comments
Popular Posts
4. Plot
5. Structure The 20
Most
6. Concept Misquoted
7. Characters Movie
Lines of
8. Dialogue
All Time
9. Marketability
10. Rating The Best
11. Common Mistakes Mobile
Screenwrit
Apps You
Coverage Criteria: Should
Try
Synopsis/Summary
4 Things
This isn’t really a criterion, but it is one of the most You
common headings across the industry when it comes to MUST
coverage. For studio heads and creative executives alike, Include in
Your TV
a synopsis of a script comes in handy for the endless
Pilot
meetings about each individual project. A synopsis is just
a recounting of the story’s main developments from 10
beginning to end. Some readers like to write the summary Screenwrit
as they read the script. Others prefer to read the script Programs
for
through once before working their way through the major Diverse
plot points. Do whatever works best for you. But once Writers
you’ve read a few dozen scripts you’ll start to recognize
the beats that are important to the story as a whole as
they’re introduced. Be sure to separate your opinion from 
the synopsis. Try and represent the story as it was

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20/3/24, 15:12 How to Write Script Coverage - Helpful Tips for Readers - WeScreenplay

written, putting the pieces of the script together while The Most

Expensive
using word choice to convey tone and character reactions.
COVERAGE  WRITING LABS  MARKETING SERVICES FAQ BLOGSpec LOGIN
Bear in mind you need to represent the causation in the Scripts of
script, the cause and effect logic that drives the story. All Time
Make it easy for anyone reading your synopsis to “get” the
script and understand why the characters do the things
they do. Even if the script itself is confusing, your synopsis Recent Posts
shouldn’t be. Which brings us to… 2024
WeScreenp
Feature
Comments Lab
Quarterfina
Coverage for development companies can be as simple as
a synopsis and a section for comments, followed by a Looking
Pass/Consider/Recommend rating (more on that later). If Beneath
the
this is the situation you’re in, be as brief as you’d like with Plastic:
comments. What worked, and what didn’t? Unless you’re Breaking
told otherwise, chances are good that the people reading Down the
your coverage are more interested in a quick perspective, ‘Barbie’
Screenplay
a hot take on the script they’re interested in
developing/buying/producing etc. So point out what Ask a
specifically you liked or didn’t like. Avoid bland words like Script
“good” and “bad” and focus on highlights and lowlights. Reader:
Sometimes you’ll be told to comment on whether the How to
Fix the
script is a good fit for the company you work at. If that’s Most
the case, go wild. Maybe it’s the wrong tone or genre, or Common
maybe the characters are generic and underdeveloped. Script
Issues
Whatever the issues, here’s your chance to underline
them. And if you really liked the script, here’s your chance How Julie
to promote it. Point directly to what you love and explain Dash
why you love it. More in-depth coverage, often provided Became
to the screenwriters of the script you’re reading, will the First
Black
require you to break your comments down into sections, Woman
such as plot, structure, and the other criteria listed in this to Helm a
article. Theatrically
Distributed
Movie
Plot


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This section is not for your comments on the strength of Spring

2024
the story overall. Rather, it’s the place where you remark
COVERAGE  WRITING LABS  MARKETING SERVICES FAQ BLOGWeScreenp
LOGIN
on individual events in the script and pinpoint issues with Diverse
plot logic. For example, if your script has an issue with Voices
causation, highlight that issue in this section. If there are Lab
Finalists
no significant turning points in the story or incidents that
raise the stakes, this is where you bring that up. Be
concise, specific, and clear, but try not to be mean. You
may not know this, but some writers can take offense to
constructive criticism if it’s phrased poorly.

Structure
How do the pieces fit together? Even if the script you’re
reading doesn’t follow a clear structure, it still has a
structure. Films like Inception and Memento emphasize
their structure to the point where the audience is keenly
aware of it. These films use specific structure to impact
their characters and make the audience question the
reality of the story. Other films highlight a series of trials,
rounds in a competition, or specific goals with ticking
clocks to make the audience invest in what’s going on.
Whatever the structural framework, consider whether it
propels the story in an interesting way. Does the
character’s journey take a pointless detour from the main
through-line? Does the pacing gradually build tension, or
is the script just slow? Consider if the rising action is
imbalanced, with the majority of the story weighted
towards the beginning, middle, or end. These kinds of
comments are hugely helpful for screenwriters, even if
they require a total overhaul of their draft.

Concept
Does the idea for this story stand on its own? Some
stories are high concept, sewing curiosity in anyone who 

hears them. How exactly will that cop go undercover as a

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kindergarten teacher? Other concepts proffer an inciting 

incident or clear human stakes that inform the story. This
COVERAGE  WRITING LABS  MARKETING SERVICES FAQ BLOG LOGIN
section of script coverage focuses on the sweeping idea of
the script. If the story doesn’t live up to the promise of the
concept, let the writer know. If the concept is overstuffed
with elements, tell the writer. And if the concept is
dynamic and original but the writer weighs down the
script with boring exposition then force the writer to
confront this awful truth.

Characters
Characters can be sympathetic, clichéd, unnecessary, or
unique. Whatever they are, this is where you provide your
evidence for why you think that. Use specific examples of
character actions to illustrate your point. And if you have
suggestions for the screenwriter, tease them out. Bear in
mind that film is a visual medium, and sometimes writers
can make the mistake of telling the reader who a
character is rather than showing the reader. It can be
useful to describe moments of discovery in the script,
where the reader learns something integral to the
character. This can be compared to later, perhaps
inexplicable actions to show that you understand where
the writer was coming from.

Dialogue
Do the characters speak in distinct ways? Or do they all
have basically the same voice? This can be a particularly
tricky area to discuss, so be sure to make notes with page
numbers if you notice anything out of place with the
dialogue. Specific lines that highlight problems with the
way a character speaks always help explain the issue.

Marketability


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Would you go see this movie? Would your friends? What 

demographics have gone to see similar movies?
COVERAGE  WRITING LABS  MARKETING SERVICES FAQ BLOG LOGIN
Comparisons help a lot when discussing marketability, as
does guesstimating the budget. If you’re not familiar with
this way of thinking about a script, read up on the subject.
Development and production professionals often give
interviews where they talk about the business-we-call-
show, and it’s important to focus on the realities of
moviemaking as well as the magic of storytelling.

Rating
Do you think someone should make this script for millions
of dollars? If the story is special and the writing sings as
well as the top one, two, or three percent of what you
read, give the script a hearty Recommend. But if you have
doubts of any kind, chances are you’re looking at a Pass
or Consider. Drawing the line between these two can be
difficult, so figure out what matters most to you in the
script, and ask yourself why you feel that way. Is the
emotional impact guaranteed by the pacing and the plot?
And do the characters need to be brought to life? Ask
yourself if there are flaws, dark spots where the script
needs more polishing. And make your best judgement.

Common Mistakes
I know that’s a lot to take in, but before we finish here’s a
quick list of common mistakes people make when first
writing coverage. Avoid these at all costs, for your sake
and for the sake of the scripts you’re covering.

Writing general statements about what is “good” and

“bad” in the script and in screenwriting in general.
Being mean to the point where the writer will feel 
defensive, taking your comments as an attack.
Remember to point out the strengths of the writing
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too, as examples of what the writer might focus on in 

the future.
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Misspelling words, particularly names. Writers may
feel you don’t care about the script if you consistently
misspell their character’s names. Proofread your
coverage!
Focusing on grammar. Coverage is not the place
where you teach someone the difference between
their theres and their they’res. Also, bear in mind the
writer’s first language may not be English. Whatever
the case, chances are they know they have some
proofreading problems. They don’t want their
coverage to be a list of errors, they want guidance on
their story and writing. Script notes, however, are a
different story.

The above tips are more for story analysts who provide
coverage to writers directly, but they should be helpful for
any reader writing coverage. And now that we’ve
discussed readers, the only thing left to talk about is
writers. The next installment of this series will talk
shopping around for the coverage you need on your
script. In the case the above didn’t make it clear, there are
a lot of different kinds of coverage, and costs vary. We’ll
get into the nitty-gritty about what you want and more
importantly, what you need.

Shaun Leonard is an experienced writer, editor, and

assistant. He is available for story consultation and script
editing. Follow Shaun on Twitter @shaun_leonard

For all the latest wisdom from WeScreenplay, follow us

on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.
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Tags: Coverage Readers Screenwriting Writers Writing 

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AI Screenwriting Cinematography & Cameras Directing Editin

Screenwriting

How to Write Script Coverage (FREE Script Coverage

Template)
Given how many scripts there are out there, how do people decide
which ones to read? Script coverage.
By Jason Hellerman
Nov 08, 2018

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20/3/24, 15:13 How to Write Script Coverage (FREE Script Coverage Template)

There’s nothing more satisfying than typing “Fade Out,” but how do you know if your script is
any good?
Each year thousands of people turn to script coverage services to get read. Who reads them?
What are they looking for? Welcome to understanding script coverage.
Today we’re going to learn how to provide script analysis, we'll grab a script coverage template,
plus get some tips as to how you can entertain the person doing your script consultation!
Let’s "fade in" on this topic and learn how to write script coverage.

What is Script Coverage?

It's an assignment given to script readers. "Coverage" refers to a document they prepare that
summarizes your screenplay and gives the production company script notes, and advice on
how to proceed with it. Script development like this is standard all over Hollywood. Agencies,
management companies, production companies, and contests all use a coverage report.

Script Coverage: Film Industry Essentials

Who Does This Script Analysis?

Back in the day, people paid and employed full-time script readers to write a bunch of
coverage reports a week. There are still even script coverage companies.
Then, to save money, the task fell to the interns who do it for free.
When I was an intern, I was probably covering 5-6 scripts a week. And books as well. Now, it is
either still done by interns (hopefully paid ones), assistants, and even some independent
reading agencies, or script covering companies as previously mentioned.
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Most places pay freelancers a specific price per coverage, and have readers they rush for
overnight and expedited coverage.

What Is the Point of This Process?

It helps companies decide what screenplays to buy, and what scripts to further develop. It’s
one of the most critical steps in the process of going from an idea to a movie or TV show. Just
think about how many screenplays are written every day! Who is going to weed through all of
them and find the gems?
Script reader comments truly move the needle in Hollywood.
Once you’ve done coverage, that same screenplay will get passed around where you work.
Execs can read it, check out the summary, the script notes, and then decide whether or not
the screenplay is worth their time. Frequently, they’ll pass or pursue a project based on this
information alone.
That’s a lot of power, and it’s what makes excellent script analysis such a hot commodity.

Looking At Examples
Most coverage analyzes the script based on various criteria. And it’s not just whether or not the
screenplay is good or bad.
The company or studio has to decide whether or not it’s right for them.
Disney is not going to make a horror movie.
Blumhouse is not going to make a rom-com.
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20/3/24, 15:13 How to Write Script Coverage (FREE Script Coverage Template)

Netflix... can make anything they want.

You don’t just have to impress the script reader when it comes to quality, but you also have to
show them why their script fits under their banner.
We had Evan Littman, an Acquisitions Executive, break down who’s reading your script. You
can check out his summation, but one thing was very clear.
Quality can get you to the top, but dollar signs can get you further.
Companies are employing script readers to find projects that can make money. If you want to
take a look at prime example, check out this one from Hollywood Script Express.
Now that you understand coverage, check out or template to help you get started.

Script Coverage Template

If you’re learning to write coverage, script analysis, or considering becoming a script reader full
time, you’re going to need this.
Screenplay Title - This is self-explanatory
Screenplay Author - We need to know who wrote it. Is it a hot name?
Attachments - Is there a director attached? High profile actors and actresses?
Who Submitted It - An agent? A manager? A lawyer?
Coverage By: If you’re trying to build a reputation as a script reader who provides good
coverage, this is your calling card.
Logline: What’s the script about? Use 2-3 sentences max.
Plot Synopsis: This should be around one to one and a half pages, single-spaced unless
informed otherwise.
Comments: These usually range from half a page to a full page. What was good, what was bad,
is it marketable, what are some similar titles, did they make money?
Audience: Who is this script targeting? Moms? Dads? Families? Teenagers? Is it rated R?
Verdict: This is where you tell them whether to Pass, Consider with Reservations, or Consider.
You might want to provide a sentence of explanation, but usually, it’s just one of the
aforementioned summations.
Okay, now that you have your template, it’s time to find your script reading jobs!

Script Coverage Jobs and Script Reader Jobs

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p g p
How to Write Script Coverage (FREE Script Coverage Template)

Script analyst jobs are hard to come by.

Usually, you have to work your way up to Story Editor at a production company to be in charge
of coverage.
I used to do coverage for extra income while I was taking meetings as a writer. Lots of script
readers are actually writers trying to learn more about their trade.
Or, as I mentioned above, you’re doing coverage because you work at a production company,
management company, agency, or studio.
Script reader jobs go quick, so you need an in, or to be one of the first people to respond.
I know a few people who read regularly for some larger companies and can make a decent
income off being a professional script reader. Their services are sought out by huge
companies. And if you’re a professional script reader it means you have an excellent reputation.
But there are lots of places that pay inexperienced readers low wages to determine if your
script is any good. Be wary of lots of contests. And beware any coverage service that offers
notes and analysis for free.
You get what you pay for...
You can look for screenplay coverage jobs, or script analyst jobs, on sites like Indeed or
LinkedIn, but most of those places hire within the industry. The best way to get this type of job
is to move to Los Angeles, intern, and look from there.

Now You Know About Coverage... What's Next?

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So you’ve learned a lot about screenplay coverage today. Professional screenwriter Terry
Rossio supplied an entire checklist for aspiring writers to learn how to beat the script reader.
And we have an article all about what Hollywood script readers really think about your
screenplays.
So get writing, get reading, and good luck!

NEXT UP
The Best Script Coverage ›
Why I'm Going to Work With What I Always Warned You to Avoid... ›

Script Reading, Scriptreader, Script Analyst, Script Breakdown, Script Coverage, Script Notes

Screenwriting

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P R E - P R O D U CT I O N

How to Write Script

Coverage According to
Hollywood Pros

By Assemble
October 14, 2023

What is Script Coverage? What is the goal for the reader and what skills do you need to
become a Story Analyst?

Auteur filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock once said “To make a great film you need three things–the
script, the script and the script.” When a production company or an independent filmmaker
is looking to make that great film, they want confidence that the screenplay is production
ready. Before the script development executives invest time reading themselves, they turn to
specialized individuals or a script coverage company whose job it is to read scripts, cull the
herd and write script coverage.

So, what does the job of a script reader involve and can script reading be a full-time
opportunity to offer your script coverage services? If you are someone who has critical
writing skills, a love and knowledge of film and a keen understanding of plot and character,
then joining the ranks of script consultants might be for you.

To serve as a guide for all things script coverage, we turned to a trio of industry professionals:

Andrea McCall, Amblin Partners Head of Story and Exec VP, Creative Affairs

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Mark Chandley, Union Story Analyst at Sony and former Development Exec at Storied Media
Group Assemble Magazine

Holly Sklar, long time Warner Bros. Pictures, Story Analyst and current member-at-large of
the board of the Motion Picture Editors Guild, IATSE Local 700.

What is Screenplay Coverage?

Writing script coverage or script notes is analyzing synopsis and providing feedback. The
studio executives will read the coverage to see the screenplay’s logline (one or two lines that
state the central conflict of the screenplay), summary of plot and characters and the script
coverage comments on the quality of the writing. In the comments section, the reader will
give their impressions in a variety of ways.

Mark Chandley helped us break down many forms coverage can take following common
industry standards:

Submission coverage – Consists of a logline, a 2-3 page summary of the story, 1 page of
comments, and a recommendation. Usually the recommendation scale is PASS, CONSIDER,
and RECOMMEND, but each studio, production company, and agency may have their own
variation of this.

Writing Sample (W/S) coverage – Formatted the same as standard submission coverage
but the evaluation is targeted toward identifying the writer’s ability and viability to be placed
on a writing assignment for an existing film or TV project, rather than considering for
production the script being evaluated .

Chapter Break-Down – Summary of each chapter, for manuscripts, books, any material that
has chapters. For this, there is no comment/analysis, it is simply informational.

Character breakdowns – Oftentimes included with agency/management company

coverage. Can range from short blurbs of characters, like you might see in casting, to more
detailed summaries about the character, their personality and arc through the story.

You can use our cloud based, fully customizable script coverage template below to get
started on the coverage for your next screenplay.

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Assemble Magazine

Script Coverage Template

Use our script coverage template to analyze
screenplays, write a summary and provide a
recommendation on whether to acquire the material.

Get Template

What exactly are studios, production companies and producers looking for in professional
script coverage?

How Do I Write Screenplay Coverage?

Coverage is a one to three page report written by an experienced Story Analyst that
communicates to film executives whether or not a script, book, article, or other piece of
intellectual property should be considered for acquisition.

The analyst will determine if the creative property should be a “pass”, a “consider” or a
“recommend” for acquiring the material. According to Andrea McCall, at a minimum, her
coverage needs to identify the following elements:

Genre

Central idea – what is at the core of this story?

Premise – what drives the plot?

Theme – what is it ultimately about? (i.e. hope, forgiveness, coming of age)

Character discussion – who they are and what they want

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Plot discussion – major important events and why they matter

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Tone – the mood or attitude such as playful or serious

Entertainment value / Marketability / Target audience

Commercial & mainstream? Or Art film?

A concise synopsis

A concise logline

Clear comments

However, no two companies will have the same format to follow when evaluating a
screenplay or creative property.. There is no universal script coverage template, but they are
all in pursuit of identifying wonderful, marketable, fresh stories. Story Analyst Holly Sklar had
these thoughts on the process:

“Yes, everyone is looking for a logline, synopsis, plus genre, time period during which
something takes place, and everything that goes into telling a story well onscreen — a writer’s
distinctive voice, a clear and resonant-with-audiences theme, obviously good story structure,
characters that we can relate to/identify with/root for, or if anti-heroes, are compelling, strong
character arcs and relationships/dynamics between characters, and other things that are
genre-dependent.

For instance, if it’s fantasy or sci-fi, is the world believable and consistent within itself, so we’ll
understand the rules of how it operates? If it’s a thriller, does it sufficiently build tension and
suspense, and have a satisfying pay-off? If it’s got a mystery element, is the mystery
surprising but not confusing? If it’s a comedy, is it consistently funny, and will it connect with
the audience to which it’s aimed? The latter consideration — who is this movie for, and will it
provide a satisfying experience for that audience — is key for all genres. We’re also looking
for freshness, novelty, distinctiveness in the writing and/or a new take on a genre or combo of
genres.”

And since so many more screenplays are read than get produced, Sklar offered this
important insight into the process:

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“We read not just to find material but to find writers who are skilled and have compelling and
Assemble Magazine
new voices.”

Coverage Samples
Now you know what script coverage is and the goal of screenplay analysis , but what does it
actually look like on the page?

Script Analysts at studios and production companies, who have current script reading jobs
are often not at liberty to share examples of coverage due to confidentiality. However we
were able to provide a a free script coverage example for the 2017 draft of Bill and Ted Face
the Music.

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Assemble Magazine

The above is one agency approach to coverage. Today, many independent Story Analysts are
taking advantage of new technology. For example, Zoom meetings where you can screen
share in real time, make it a more holistic approach to discussing story issues and
opportunities.

A lot of script work is in the rewrite. Insightful coverage can help the process as you hone the
central idea, plot/structure, dialogue and descriptive action lines.

Becoming a Story Analyst

At Amblin, Andrea McCall oversees a bustling story department. “I hire readers who love
movies, and who are well educated cinephiles, preferably with an English lit degree and
possess a remarkable understanding of story, who have terrific writing skills to articulate the
strengths and weaknesses of any genre of material.”

There is often an urgency towards deadlines and although it would seem like a relatively
straightforward job, McCall sees the complexity.
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“Among a million other things. I could lecture for hours on this subject, as writing (good)
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coverage Magazine
is harder than you think. Readers have 4-5 hours to turn around a 120 page script
with full coverage. And it has to be perfect and correct in all ways.”

The role of the Story Analyst has a long and storied history. Holly Sklar wrote an excellent
article on the profession that shows its importance to the creative process. In today’s world
of coverage, most of the legacy studios use union Story Analysts (Warner Bros., Paramount,
Sony, Universal, Disney, 20th Century Studios, MGM) and a few other big places — e.g.,
Amblin Partners/Dreamworks, Focus, CBS-TV Studios (the production arm that makes TV
shows). Sklar explains further:

“The union we are part of is Local 700 of the Motion Picture Editors Guild, and at present
there are fewer than 100 people making a regular full-time union-job living doing this — closer
to 65-70. The bulk of opportunity for newcomers is in freelance work, at the many, many
production companies around town. But it’s hard to make a freelance full-time living at it —
you have to juggle multiple clients and get paid in some cases by the piece (script or novel,
say) rather than by the hour. There are a few places that have moved to an hourly rate, which
is what the union positions have, but union positions come with benefits: companies
signatory to our agreement make pension and health plan contributions such that we get
union health coverage, and we get paid holidays, we earn vacation and sick time, etc.
Freelance work comes with none of these benefits.”

Besides the financial stability and benefits, a Story Analyst that works in a union usually has
more responsibility than simply evaluating material. Sklar explains:

“Union story analysts do extensive creative development notes for studio executives,
comparison coverages tracking and documenting changes from draft to draft as a project
goes through development, plus intellectual property comparisons and good faith writing
credit determinations for studio legal departments.”

However, becoming union is a bit of a catch-22. The only way to get into the union is to get a
job with a union signatory company and work for them a qualifying number of days/hours
(around a month’s work). Sklar expressed that the union is actively working to expand union
jobs in this field, and get more companies to become signatory. But it is an uphill battle. Her
advice?

“Freelance work is far more plentiful and the best way to get experience and network. That
way, when a position opens up at a union signatory company, freelancers may get a shot at it
— though people already in the union do get priority. That said, newcomers do get into the
union — it’s been around 17 in the past 10-15 years or so.
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The difficulty isn’t the union readers getting priority, it’s that not enough jobs exist, and not
enough Assemble
companies Magazine
are signatory and willing to hire full-timers to do this work. It’s not a big
growth industry, but if more companies become signatory to the union’s Story Analyst
Agreement, more full-time jobs will open up for newcomers. A bunch of us in the union are
working to try to make this happen, and recently a major streamer became signatory and is in
the process of converting a number of its freelancers to full-time employees who will also be
given entree to join the union as soon as they’ve earned enough qualifying days to do so.”

Independent Story Analyst Mark Chandler offered this sage advice:

“Most of these jobs are word of mouth and networking-based, meaning you won’t see a job
posting for them. The most effective thing an aspiring story analyst can and should do is
build up a portfolio of good script coverage examples.

There are tons of scripts on the internet, find one, and write up a coverage. Have samples of
a pass, consider and recommend. Network with story analysts that way, when they hear of a
gig, they have a name to put forward. Reach out to people who run story departments at
production companies (as a note studios can’t hire freelancers per the Local 700 contract)
and development executives. There’s never a shortage of material to cover and people
always need help trying to find the diamond in the rough.”

Useful Resources
Here are some helpful links as you begin the journey of creating script coverage examples or
finding someone to cover your script:

Assemble's guide to understanding the three act structure by James V. Hart.

Holly Sklar, Mark Chandley, and Daniel Livnat share their experiences working as story
analysts for production companies, studios, and networks, and what they look for in
material.
UCLA Extension class on story analysis for film and television.

A R E YO U R E A DY ?
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